Redemption Maybe? – Vampire Diaries Season 4 Revamped Part 3 – Klaus Mikaelson

“If you want to be bad, be bad with a purpose.  Otherwise you’re just not worth forgiving.”

These are the iconic words Damon utters to Klaus Mikaelson, during a mid-season conversation that’s about as “Meta” as TVD gets . . .

One could probably imagine a similar conversation taking place in the TVD writers’ room, around the time Plec and Co. got their greenlight to film the back door pilot to “The Originals.”

After all, Klaus had been the series’ main Big Bad for three seasons know, roughly 75% of the life of the show.   And now, there was a good chance the Original Hybrid would be blessed with a series of his very own . . . a series where the character would be featured, not as the show’s antagonist, but as its protagonist.

It was a tall order.  Fortunately, the writers  already had two templates as to how such a feat could be accomplished.  The first was another blonde villainous vampire, by the name of Spike, who made a similar journey from Season 2 Big Bad, to Season 4 Questionable Ally on the critically acclaimed TV series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

The second was Damon Salvatore himself, the ultimate TVD Bad Boy MOSTLY Redeemed . . .

Step 1 – Make the Villain Fall in Love . . .

Everyone remembers the first time Spike spied Buffy at a party, and was instantly plagued with an intense desire, both to kiss her, and kill her.  Damon felt the same way about Elena, the first time he laid eyes on her   . . . his brother’s girlfriend, who bore the same face as his lost love.  She seemed to be the ultimate pathway toward Sweet Revenge.

So, too did Klaus experience this conundrum, firsthand, when, to get revenge on his errant sire hybrid Tyler, he compelled him to lethally bite his girlfriend, Caroline . . . potentially ending her new vampire life, before it even really had a chance to begin . . .

When Klaus first arrives at the Forbes household, his motives are unclear.  Is he planning to let Caroline die, to teach Tyler a lesson in obedience?  Is he hoping to seduce her, thereby taking from Tyler, the one aspect of his life, over which Klaus, up to this point had no control?

Whatever Klaus had initially planned to do, it’s clear from the way he looks at Caroline, lying vulnerable on the bed, that he’s changed his mind.  Seeing this young woman, on the cusp of young vampire life, lying helpless before him, does something to Klaus.  It changes him imperceptibly.

So, Klaus tells this dazzling woman, what no one else would, that vampirism, while “dark” and “monstrous,” can also be beautiful, because LIFE is beautiful.  And then, he gives her a choice . . . immortality or death.  This insanely powerful vampire, who has done nothing that wasn’t directly in his selfish interest, from the moment he set foot in Mystic Falls, for the first time, relinquishes control of his life and his Master Plan to Caroline, for reasons he may not yet entirely understand.

The result is a scene that remains one of my favorites in TVD history . . . And this is coming from a staunch Damon fan . . .

Klaus may have begun his wooing of Caroline back in Season 3, through expensive gifts, vacation promises, and pictures of ponies . . .

But it wasn’t until Season 4 that Klaus really started making headway toward winning Caroline’s heart.  And he did it in a way that the Klaus of earlier season’s would never have even considered.  He did it by listening to her, opening up to her, and by not taking advantage of her when he had the opportunity to do so  . . .

Like, for example, when he was in Tyler’s body, early on in the Season . . .

Sure KlausiTyler comes off like a bit of a cad in this scene. But he’s also surprisingly chivalrous!  Michael Trevino does a great job conveying Klaus’ emotions during this season.  He’s clearly turned on and pleasantly surprised that the woman he loves is FINALLY attacking him sexually.  And yet, as much as he wants Caroline, there’s a part of him that can’t bear to have her under false pretenses.  So, he exposes his true identity, and, in doing so, loses the opportunity for Hot Hybrid Sex . . .

It’s the second “half-way” decent thing he did for Caroline in Season 1.  (Rescuing her from that anti-vampire cult, being the first.)  And there’s plenty more where that came from . . .

Let’s not forget that Klaus came as Caroline’s date to the Miss Mystic Falls Dance?

Just as Buffy reawakened the quiet poetic side of Spike on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Elena awakened the selfless side of Damon, so too does Caroline seem to bring out an oddly lighthearted cheeky version of the usually single-mindedly power hungry Klaus.

He smiles, he jokes . . . he makes a good show of pretending to care about things that Caroline cares about . . . things that would otherwise have no meaning for him whatsoever, like pageants, proms, and party dresses . . .

And what girl wouldn’t appreciate a guy with the unique ability to be the Fairy Godmother to her Cinderella, while still looking like Prince Charming?

(Even if it does make you wonder what happened to all the girls who used to wear the dresses he stores in his closet?)

Of course, every budding relationship hits a bit of a snag.  And Klaus finds himself relapsing into old habits, when he, once again, is responsible for Caroline’s receipt of a lethal werewolf bite . . . a bite he issues himself, out of anger at Tyler, and Caroline’s brutal rejection of him . . .

And yet, when all is said and done, Caroline and Klaus make amends, and end up parting as “friends (?),” with Klaus temporarily ceding the love of his life to the same young hybrid that’s been a thorn in his side all season .   . .

You know what they say, “if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you, due to series cancellation, it was meant to be.”

So, why the ultimate change of heart, with respect to Tyler?  Especially, considering how intent Klaus initially seemed on keeping these two lovebirds apart indefinitely . . .

I suspect it had a little something to do with Step 2 of our Redemption Plan . . .

Step 2 – Find a New Big Bad, So the Old One Can Unite with the Scoobies Against Him . . .

In Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Spike joined the Scoobies after the ultimately corrupt initiative put a chip in his brain, preventing him from hurting humans.  This made Spike no longer a threat to Buffy and her gang.  It also gave him impetus to fight on their side, as it enabled him to kill the only type of being he still could . . . demons.

Likewise, in Season 2, Damon promptly put aside his differences with his brother, so the two could battle a mutual, and much more powerful enemy . . . Klaus, himself . . .

The writers must have had quite a difficult time coming up with a Bigger Bad than Klaus.  After all, we are talking about a 1,000-year old virtually unkillable vampire, who also possesses full werewolf powers.    But it wasn’t Silas’ strength that made him such a threat to the Scooby gang, it was his impressive ability at mental manipulation . .  .

Not only could Silas impersonate any person or thing, he could also see inside people’s minds, and expose their deepest darkest fears and secrets.  As a result, Klaus found himself reluctantly found himself in a role entirely foreign to him . . . that of VICTIM . . .

Sexy buff shirtless, victim . . . but victim, nonetheless . . .

Ahh yes, the infamous bloodline . . . another nifty way to align Klaus to the Scooby Gang, was for the writers to literally tie his survival to their own.  Thanks to some crafty mythology, Klaus can no longer die, because killing him would effectively demolish the ENTIRE CAST OF THIS SHOW . . .

I bet Spike is wishing he thought of that one.  It sure beats his method of maintaining character relevance . . .

While, in previous Seasons, Klaus was the Ultimate Enemy, like Spike and Damon before him, Klaus suddenly found his own personal interests aligned with Damon, Stefan, Caroline and co.  And so, he helped them, in their quest to defeat Silas, by solving the key to the Hunter’s Map that would lead to the vampire cure.  (He hoped to use that cure on Elena, so her human blood could produce more hybrids.)

“Human blood bag for all eternity . . . BFF . . . same difference.”

A vulnerable, lovelorn, character, fighting on the side of good, to defeat the Big Bad, who sometimes becomes prey to the ultimate predator . . . Season 4 Klaus sure sounds like a hero to me . . .

except when he isn’t .  . .

Step 3 – Keep the Former Villain Behaving Badly Enough That He Doesn’t Lose His Edge . . .

Heroes are great and all . . . but they can be SUPER boring.

So, when writers are tasked with redeeming a Bad Boy, they always must make sure he remains just evil enough to still be interesting.  (Plus, there’s the ever present issue of character consistency.  A guy like Klaus doesn’t just automatically start shaking hands and kissing babies, just because he fell in love with a pretty girl!)

And so, for every kind, romantic, or selfless act Klaus committed in Season 4, he had to do something truly awful, just to balance things out . . .

Revenge Sex with Hayley . . . definitely not your finest hour, Klaus . . . (hot triangle tattoo notwithstanding)

No act was more awful than the Christmas Massacre Klaus committed in episode 9 of the Season.  Betrayed, once again by Tyler, and the hybrids, who Tyler systematically taught to break themselves of their bond with the Original, Klaus is BEYOND pissed.  This single calculated act has painfully exposed the Original Hybrid’s two Achilles Heels’ his pride and his loneliness.

And so Klaus lashes out in the only way he knows how, by ripping from Tyler everything he cares about.  Murdering 13 people in a single episode,  one of whom is a completely harmless human.  It doesn’t get much more villainous than that . . .

And yet, as Caroline once said, “Anyone who can love, is capable of being saved.”

Can New Orleans be Klaus’ salvation?  Can Caroline?  How about that ridiculous plotline spawn in Haley’s belly?

Throughout Season 4 of TVD, Klaus has shown himself to be capable of both exceptional good, and horrifying evil.  But is it enough to make him a relateable protagonist on his own series?  A series without Caroline . . . the woman, who made all this sort-of redemption possible?

Only time will tell . . . and for an immortal like Klaus, time is definitely on his side . . .

Speaking of everyone’s favorite Vampire Barbie, she’s next on my Re-Vamped list.

See ya then, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com] [My Tumblr] [Fangirls Forever]

This Girl is on Fire! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “She’s Come Undone”

Well . . . that’s one way to get guys to think you are hot . . .

Hey there Fangbangers!  This week on TVD, Elena Gilbert felt the burn, figuratively and literally.

Source

Also this week, literally EVERYONE in Caroline’s life became Silas  .  . .

Source

So, keep your fire extinguisher handy, Fangbangers, because this one is going to be a scorcher . . .

This is your brain on Damon Salvatore . . .

“I’m actually at school?  What is this?  Some alternate universe where my character is still on Degrassi: The Next Generation?”

We begin our episode on a lovely sunny school day.  The sun in shining.  The birds are singing.  Caroline is bragging about being named valedictorian.  Bonnie is smiling . . . wait . . . Bonnie is smiling?  This HAS to be fake.

Source

“Dammit!  Why did I have to make Bonnie smile?”

Yes, it appears that Damon has been Inception-ing Elena, in an attempt to convince her to come back to Team Humanity.

Source

But to no avail . . .

Source

I love the goofy moment, where we pan back from Elena’s “dream,” to see Damon standing around with his eyes closed . . .

It reminded me why they don’t usually show the “manipulation” part of Dream Manipulation on these shows.  I mean, compulsion from a vampire’s perspective always looks cool.  There’s no doubt about that . . .

But Dream Manipulation from a vampire perspective looks like  . . . well . . . a nap.

It’s kind of like that move Avatar.  If taken from the human perspective, all that running around in the forest, riding on giant dragon-birds, using your blue tails to have sex, and saving the world from that Evil Army Dude, would just look like some guy sleeping in a coffin-like object, while getting powdered donuts fed to him intravenously through a tube . . .

Source

Anywhoo, since Damon gets a big fat F in the gradebooks for his attempts to Inception Elena back into a “good little girl,” he reverts to something that he KNOWS will earn him an A+ . . . Torture.

That’s right, Fangbangers!  Damon and Torture go together like Damon and Showering . . .

How to Lose Friends and Alienate Vampire Barbies . . .

Peace-loving Caroline, who cured herself of her vampire anger issues, a mere two days after being turned . . .

 . . . doesn’t believe the best way to Elena’s heart is through ripping out her stomach.  She’s convinced good old fashioned talking will do the trick.  And so the perky blonde flounces her way into the Salvatore Correctional Institute for Wayward Vampires, bearing her heart on her sleeve, and a peace offering . . . blood for the starving and dessicated Elena.  Hmmm . . . I wonder if it’s B positive?

Source

After Elena gorges greedily on the blood, she pointedly asks Caroline why she’s being so nice to Elena, after Elena has pretty much been the sh*ttiest friend ever to her . . .

Caroline admits to Elena that . . . yeah . . . people who try to eat her don’t typically make it to the top of her best friend list . . .

(Actually it kind of seems like most of Caroline’s friends have tried to eat her at one point or another . . .)

But Caroline doesn’t love Elena for the heinous b*tch she’s been these past few episodes.  She loves her for the Special Snowflake she’s been throughout all these other episodes!

(Loving Elena is a prerequisite for being a character on this show!)

Source

So, of course, Evilena does what she always does when confronted with kindness.  First she insults the Kind Person . . .

Source

Then she tries to rip off the kind person’s face with her teeth . . .

Source

So, Caroline does what any rational girl would do in such a situation.  She breaks Elena’s neck . . .

Source

And so, after a brief dalliance with Peacekeeping, it’s back to TORTURE TIME!

Rendezvous with Mean Girls

Meanwhile, over at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Rebekah is drinking her feelings, when she comes upon the only male character left on the show, with whom she hasn’t had sex (yet) . . . Matt.

“Hey hot stuff.  Have you ever seen a 1,000-year old girl naked?”

“Shouldn’t you be hanging out on that New Spinoff with the rest of your ancient relatives?”

“Stop ripping out my heart with your continuous rejection of me!”

Matt casually lets it slip that he’s going to probably be stuck in Mystic Falls, cleaning vomit off bartops, forever.  This is because he’s been too busy running from werewolves and ghosts, and evading inevitable apocalypses to actually do homework, or study for any of his classes.  This gives Rebekah an idea . . .

Over at another diner/ bar type place . . . (one that can’t be in Mystic Falls, since we know there is only one Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls) Bonnie has a secret meeting with Elena’s Doppelganger Katherine Pierce.  It turns out that Katherine still has Silas’ headstone, and Bonnie wants it BAD . . .

For a girl who doesn’t need to eat, Katherine sure spends a lot of time in diners .  . .

It has something to do with Silas, and the veil, and the apocalypse, and blah, blah, blah.  All this mythology talk gives me a headache.

Just bring back my Alaric, Kol, and Jer Bear mmm-kay?

The rest of it, I could care less about, honestly . . .

Back at the Salvatore Correctional Institute for Wayward Vampires . . .

Bad Girls Don’t Get Nice Jewelry

“Do you realize that torturing Elena together is the closest you and I will probably ever get to that threesome we always dreamed about?”

Damon and Stefan have Elena tied to a chair in front of a window.  Also, Damon has stolen Elena’s sunscreen ring.  Now, that’s gotta hurt . . .

Source

Actually, Damon, I think bad girls steal nice jewelry . . .

Damon and Stefan kind of have the whole good cop / bad cop dynamic a bit messed up here.  Stefan is clearly trying to play good cop.  He keeps Dr. Phil-ing Elena into talking about her “feelings” . . .

 . . . while Damon is throwing out the one liners, like it’s his job (which, lets face it, it pretty much always has been).

Source

The only problem, of course, is that Stefan is the one who keeps ripping back the curtain to burn Elena  .  . .

“The good news is that all this face burning, is making my teeth look super white!”

 . . . and this pretty much makes him the Worst Good Cop Ever . . .

Stefan and Damon decide to take a break from burning Elena’s boobies off to let her insult them both.  She reminds Stefan she dumped him, and Damon that she was sire bonded to him.  And blah, blah, blah . . .

But just when I’m about to get bored, Elena turns around and does something REALLY interesting . . .

“I am vampire hear me ROARRRRR!”

“I imagined this going a bit differently in my head . . .”

Because the last Sunshine Shock Treatment Elena received enabled her to burn through the ropes on her wrists, she breaks free from her spot on the chair, and actually FULL ON SETS HERSELF ON FIRE!  (Katniss Everdeen a.k.a. The Other Girl on Fire is not impressed . . .)

Source

Damon jumps into action and “extinguishes Elena,” reminding Damon fans everywhere what a sexy firefighter Damon would make (and what a long hose he probably has) . .  .

Firefighter fantasies notwithstanding, this is not a proud moment for our Sexy Salvatore Duo.  Elena is lying on the floor laughing in their faces.  After all, she’s just proved that, try as they might to be mean and menacing, these two could never truly hurt their Special Snowflake.  So, no matter how many times they put her in the proverbial hot seat, she really has nothing to fear.  Alas, this appears to be another Moonstone in the Soapdish Moment for poor Damon . . .

Source

It’s time for the brothers to call in The Reserves . . .

Study Buddies and Burgers

“Someone once told me that the way to a man’s heart was through his clogged arteries.”

Source

“Awesome, now I won’t have to eat my dinner out of the Mystic Grill trash compactor.”

Caroline is crazy jealous and hurt, when Beks crashes her and Matt’s Let’s B*tch About Evil Elena Session to feed him, and help him pass all those classes he’s been failing.  It turns out, Caroline didn’t even know Matt was flunking out!

Caroline has always been portrayed as the fashion conscious social butterfly of the show . . . The Joiner.  But it makes sense that she would be a TOTAL Rachel Berry, when it comes to academics, just like she is in every other aspect of her life . . .

For Caroline, her ex-boyfriend’s failure at school is simply not an option (nor is leaving him alone to study with that vixen, Rebekah).  And so, off Vampire Barbie dashes to grab her arsenal of adorable pink flash cards, fantastic array of multi-colored highlighters, and sugar free energy bars.  “You dated That?”  Beks jokes.  (Watch out, Beks.  Your brother might just end up dating That too . . .)

While Caroline’s away (more on that in a bit), Beks kindly offers to compel Matt some passing grades, and a college scholarship, so that he can FINALLY get out of this godforsaken town.   It’s a sweet offer from the girl who once ran Matt’s car off a road, and almost killed him.  (Oops.)

Umm . . . check the bottom of the lake.

The Original Vampire kind of DOES owe the Bar Boy a favor or twenty.  And while giving Mr. Blue Collar a ticket into the Lower Middle Class wouldn’t entirely erase the whole Attempted Murder Thing from these two’s history together, it sure would be a nice start.  But NOOOOOO, Matt has to be all “honorable” and pass his classes the “old fashioned way” . . . by using his smart phone to teach him Italian.

Sometimes people are too good for their own good.   You know what I mean?

The Doppel-BANGER!

Source

At first Stefan’s “Genius Plan” to get Katherine to scare Elena’s humanity seems to be going swimmingly well . . .

The two insult one another.  They rough each other up a little bit . . .

Source

Well, would you look at that?  Nina Dobrev is beating the sh*t out of herself.   How very Fight Club of her!

Of course, you would think that after 170 some odd years, Stefan would have finally learned that Katherine will never EVER do what the Salvatore Brothers want her to do.  And this time is no exception . . . Katherine sets the captive Elena free!

Silly Stefan.  One day, you’ll learn that whenever you play with fire, you inevitably will end up getting burned . . .

Speaking of getting burned . . .

Silas, Silas Everywhere . . .

Source

It is like something out of fanfiction.  Klaus leaving his Baby Mama Drama in New Orleans to return to his lady love in Mystic Falls.  He begs her to escape her humdrum apocalyptic vampire life to come live with him in the Treme.  He forces her to admit that her hatred of him has morphed into something else entirely.  And, for the first time, she doesn’t exactly deny it . . .

Source

He invades her personal space, so she’s up against a tree . . .  his breath hot against her ear.  And then, he has to go and ruin it all, by making an offhand comment about feathers . . .

Source

So, wait.  Now, I’m confused.  Since when did Klaus become Elena?

Just kidding.  It’s that MIND RAPIST, whose real face looks like a cross between Lord Voldemort and the Sith from those Star Wars movies . . .

SILASSSSSSS!

He wants to send a message to Bonnie that she should come out of hiding OR ELSE.  And apparently that “message” involves staking Caroline.

“Why is everybody always temporarily killing me?”

Later that night, Caroline wakes up from her little death nap.

“I just had the most awful nightmare.”

Fortunately, Matt is there to comfort her . . .

I’m sorry.  Did I say “Matt,” I meant SILAS . . .

Source

Seriously?

Then Klaus pops up again, and he’s Silas too!

“I’m getting too old for this sh*t.”

Worried that Silas will kill her mother, Caroline rushes home.  Then Bonnie appears at the window, out of no where, to tell Caroline that her MOM IS SILAS TOO!

“I haven’t been this villainous, since that time I tried to have my daughter killed, because I found out she was a bloodsucker.”

Feeling trapped, Bonnie eventually walks off with Silas and his Real Ugly face, leaving Caroline to tend to her maybe-dead mother, in the back room.  What a b*tch!

As much as I’ve never been a big fan of the Lizard, I must admit, I got a little teary, when Caroline huddled over her and wished her back to life, a la Simba and Mufasa at the beginning of the Lion King.

Source

Actually, I Ugly Cried . . .

But then Lizard Forbes came back to life!  And all was right in the world!

Well, almost . . .

Attempt to Return Elena’s Humanity #562 (Spoiler Alert: This one actually works.)

After laying it into Katherine a bit for being just as crappy at helping Elena get back her humanity as everyone else on the show has been . . .

Source

 . . . Damon comes up with another idea . . .

This one involves Matt . . .

Source

At first this Plan #562 seems pretty darn similar to the 561 before it.  Matt finds Elena in the woods.  And he tells her she’s his oldest friend, and blah, blah blah . . .

Source

So, she eats him . . .

He passes out .  . . and wakes up.  So, she tries to eat him again.  But Damon gets there first.  And Damon .  . . KILLS MATT?

What’s this?  Is Elena actually SAD that Matt is dead?

Source

Source

But wait.  JUST KIDDING!  He’s wearing that Jamaican Me Crazy Immortality Ring!  Hooray!

Matt’s ALIIIIIIIVE!  Elena’s humanity is BACK!  I think there’s just something about Matt that always represented a sort of youth and innocence she shared with him, before her parents died.  When Elena was with Matt she was perky, untarnished, and pure.  And that’s ultimately why I think it was his potential death that ended up effecting her enough to trigger her to put her humanity switch back into the “ON” position.

In short, the 562nd time was, in fact, the charm.  Damon Salvatore (and Matt) for all the awards . . .

But, of course, now, Elena is SUPER DUPER SAD about Jer Bear being dead, and about what a piece of sh*t she’s been these past few weeks.  I mean, girlfriend KILLED A WAITRESS!  And worse.  .  . she dyed her hair pink!  Oh the humanity . . . literally.

Stefan instantly reverts back to Dr. Phil mode . . .

Source

Source

A few weeks back, we all harped a bit on Damon for using the sire bond to get Elena to turn ALL of her emotions off, when he could have just as easily just gotten her to lose ONE emotion . . . like say “sadness.”  This week, Stefan gets into a similar semantic kerfuffle with the extremely LITERAL Elena.

Source

Silly Stefan!  He thought his advice to Elena would turn her emotions into hearts, teddy bears and roses.  Maybe he even thought it would help him get laid.  Instead, it made Elena dead set on murdering the woman who killed Jer Bear, turned Caroline into a vampire,  brought Klaus to Mystic Falls, and stole the cure . . . her evil twin from the past . . . her doppelganger . . . Katherine Piece . . .

Katherine . . . the very same girl, who just entered into an alliance with Bonnie Bennett for the destruction of Silas, in exchange for her own shot at indestructibility.   Oh hell yes!  I think of all the Elena’s we’ve met this season, I’m going to like Homicidal Maniac Elena best of all . . .

Next week on The Vampire Diaries . . . The Apocalypse . . . and Kol . . . though not necessarily in that order . . .

Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com] My New Tumblr (Just getting my feet wet.)  Fangirls Forever

How Ya Like Me Now? – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Originals”

Source

Now there was a time when you loved me so.
I could have been wrong, but now you needed to know
See, I’ve been a bad, bad, bad, bad man.
And I’m in deep.  Yes I am.
I found a brand new love for this man 
And I can’t wait till you see.
I can’t wait
So, how you like me now?

-Lyrics to “How ya like me now?” by The Heavy.

How ya like me now?  It’s the song that sexy villain vampire Marcel sings in a karaoke bar in New Orleans, to introduce himself as Klaus’ charming, but intensely arrogant, new nemesis, in the early moments of this week’s episode of TVD.

Source

It’s also the question chief in the minds of the TVD writing staff.  The crew undoubtedly watched the episode with their fingers crossed, silently praying that you’ll still “like” Klaus, Elijah, Rebekah, and Hayley (though, let’s face it, no one ever really liked Haley), now that they’ve packed their bags and left Mystic Falls in exchange for a swankier (and much more culturally diverse) NOLA address.

From a strategic perspective, it seems like the perfect time for a spinoff like this.  With nearly four seasons behind its belt, TVD is quietly creeping toward middle age.  (By this time next year, it will be eligible for syndication!)

Source

And a well-executed spinoff might be just what the doctor ordered to breathe new life into a franchise that’s been struggling of late.  Plus, it’s not like these characters are untested newbies.  Klaus, Elijah and Rebekah are all TVD veterans, each with substantial fanbases of their own.  (Klaus and Elijah have both been around since late season 2, and Rebekah, since early season 3.)

Yes, The Originals certainly has within it the makings of a great show.  The question is: did its backdoor pilot deliver?

Let’s review, shall we Fangbangers?

Source

Have Gumbo, Will Travel . . .

Lactating?

Still on the hunt for her dead family, Hayley day drinks at a bar in New Orleans, where the chef notoriously puts a piece of her soul in every pot of gumbo she makes.  (You know, kind of like Voldemort and his Horcruxes.  And I don’t know about you, but I’d rather not eat a horcrux.  Thank you very much.)

“Mmmmm Soul Food . . .”

Bar Tender Jane Anne gets a little touchy feely with Hayley, when she shows her a map to a location in the bayou, where werewolves supposedly used to frequent.  We find out why, after the werewolf leaves.  Jane Anne promptly walks back to the kitchen were Soul Food Sophie is slaving away.  She’s clutching a massive clump of Hayley’s hair, like it’s a trophy of some sort.  (Yuck!  I hope they aren’t planning on mixing it in the gumbo, with all those horcruxes!)

Then again, they are probably just using it for this spell . . .

Hey, Soon-to-be-dead Jane Anne uses candles and salt to do spells!  Just like that OTHER witch we know . . .

I wonder how she avoids those pesky nosebleeds . . .

I guess now we’ll never know . . .

Anywhoo, Jane Anne’s spell is rousing success, in that it gets Hayley’s car to break down, and causes her to temporarily DIE.  (Though, I suspect Klaroline fans are wishing that death was permanent, after this episode . . .)  Just as she falls to the ground, the witches magically appear just in time to catch her, and drag her into the bayou.  Bonnie could use some serious tutoring from these girls . . .

Marcel’s Rules

KLAUS: “I’m going to break your neck, and then rip out your spine”

MARCEL: “I’m going to chew off your shoulder, and then eat your face off.”

RANDOM NEWSIE CAP-WEARING GUY: “Geez, get a room you two.  Your PDA is making me uncomfortable.”

Upon learning from a witchy fortune teller that Marcel has taken over New Orleans, in Klaus’ absence — rendering the town’s witch population essentially powerless against him — Klaus just has to see this for himself.  So, he heads off to a Karaoke bar, where Marcel is auditioning to be on the cast of Glee . . .

“If that Puck guy can play a highschooler, so can I!”

Klaus and Marcel do that thing Alpha Males do, where they threaten each other, than act like it’s all a joke, and they really love one another, when actually the threatening part was closer to the truth . . .  Klaus, apparently, is Marcel’s sire, which immediately tells us a few things.  (1) Flashbacks are inevitable.  (2) Even if Marcel found some magical witchy way to kill Klaus, he wouldn’t be able to pull it off.  Because a dead Klaus means, not only a dead ENTIRE TVD CAST, but a Dead Marcel as well . . .

Source

I mean, all vampires SAY this.  But Klaus is the only one who can actually mean it . . .

And yet, while Klaus may have Marcel beat in the game of Eternal Living.  Marcel has one thing that Klaus has always desperately wanted, but never seemed fully able to obtain (even though he created an ENTIRE RACE OF BEINGS just for this purpose): FRIENDS!

As Katherine astutely notes, later in the episode, Klaus’ Achilles Heel is his loneliness.  He has nobody to play with but himself. . .

Marcel, on the other hand, has an Entourage so large that it makes the guys from Entourage look like losers . . .

Marcel is literally friends with the entire city . . . though I guess he’s friends with them in the way girls in high school are friends with that b*tchy head cheerleader.  They are deathly afraid of him.  But they have to at least pretend to like him, so he doesn’t literally chew off their heads  . . .

Source

That said, I instantly like Marcel.  I actually think he’d be kind of fun to hang out with, in the way that douchebaggy, evil, sort of people, can sometimes be fun . . . particularly douchebaggy, evil people who like karaoke . . .

Klaus instantly covets this kind of loyalty.  But before he can steal all of Marcel’s newsie-cap wearing, hipster friends away from him, he has to deal with the little problem that sent him here in the first place . . . the witches that supposedly want him dead.  Marcel, being the generous guy that he is, is more than happy to help his old friend Klaus solve this little problem . . .

You killed Jane Anne!  (Bastards)

Source

Death By Tree . . .

Oh Jane Anne, we barely new thee . . .  You made pretty designs with salt, and played with Hayley’s hair.  And then you died with a goofy expression on your face, after being interrogated by Marcel on a dark city street, in the company of his entourage.  Jane Anne wasn’t about to give up her reasons for using the heretofore forbidden magic . . . certainly not to the guy who forbid her from using it. And for that, she paid the ultimate price.

Fear not, Jane Anne.  You’ll live to die again . . .

As far as deaths go, being impaled by a tree branch, isn’t the one I’d choose.  I mean, on one hand, it leaves you with a pretty pristine corpse, apart from some unsightly neck hickeys.  On the other hand, YOU WERE KILLED BY A TREE BRANCH.  And that’s just sad, sad, sad .  .

MURDERER!

Even Klaus seems sad for Dead Jane Anne.  Though, I suspect his sadness has less to do with him actually giving two craps about a bartending witch, and more to do with the fact that he feels he might have lost his chance to figure out why these witches seem to want him dead.

Marcel is sorry, but not sorry, about literally killing Klaus’ lead . . .

Source

So, Klaus heads to the Gumbo Bar to ask the grieving Soul Food Sophie about what exactly her sister’s beef with him was . . .  Sophie’s well acquainted with Klaus from bedtime stories her mother used to tell her.

Now, I don’t know about your bedtime stories.  But mine generally didn’t involve a guy who EATS people.  Sophie’s mom must have hated her guts to tell her bedtime stories like that.  Maybe that’s why she puts horcruxes in people’s gumbo . . . bad childhood.

Anywhoo, Sophie stays mum about the whole magic thing with Klaus, because they are being watched by members of Marcel’s entourage.  Klaus responds to the secret stalking in a surprisingly gentlemanly way, by offering to buy his stalkers expensive Scotch . . . after threatening to remove their spines.  This act of kindness enables him to earn an adorable nickname from the cute new bartender, who conveniently appeared in town, just as the ORIGINAL bartender lost her neck . . .

I hope they enjoyed that Scotch.  Because it’s the last they will ever have . . .

A Man Who Knows How to Make an Entrance . . .

Though initially ambivalent about helping his younger sibling . . .

Source

 . . . Elijah ultimately decides to do the brotherly thing, by murdering Klaus’ stalkers when they attempt to silence Sophie  . . .  And no one has a more artistic flare for murder than Elijah . . .

Suave Elijah . . . he sure knows the way to a woman’s heart, doesn’t he?  That bludgeoned organ was like a Valentine’s Day card to dear Sophie.  All that was missing was a poem, and the words “Be Mine.”

Then, he got the second stalker impaled against a wall!  Color me turned on . . .

Source

I wonder what kind of bedtime stories Sophie’s mom told her about Elijah . . .

She’s having my baby!

Source

“Dammit.  I knew I shouldn’t have eaten all that gumbo.  Is there a bathroom around here?”

In the Big Reveal of the evening, Elijah brings together Klaus and the NOLA witches for a Peace Treaty of sorts.  As it turns out, the witches aren’t out to kill Klaus, at all.   Rather, they are hoping that Klaus will save them from King Marcel and his tyrannical Magic Free rule . . .

King Klaus, huh?  And the witches think this will be a SAFER alternative for them?  Seriously?  Did they only watch the Klaus/Caroline parts of Seasons 3 and 4 of The Vampire Diaries.  Did they miss the part where Klaus brought to extinction an entire RACE of hybrids . . . a race that HE CREATED?

Logic notwithstanding . . . the witches have an ace up their sleeve, one they think will win them Klaus’ loyalty.  And out pops Hayley . . .

Klaus scoffs at this.  Clearly, the witches didn’t watch the Klaus/Caroline parts of the show either.  “I don’t give a sh*t about Hayley!”  Klaus says, more or less.   “It’s not like the sex was THAT good.  And, besides.  Everyone knows I prefer blondes.”

“Not so fast, Klaus,” the witches warn . . .

Clear Blue Sophie . . . the only pregnancy test for your knocked up teen werewolf

Detecting pregnancies . . .well, now that’s a nifty magical power!  Some might argue it’s even cooler than playing with salt, and lighting candles, without suffering from a nosebleed  . . . (Then again, after about three months, MOST people can “sense when a woman is pregnant.”  It’s called WEIGHT GAIN!)

Source

Damn straight, it’s impossible!  1,000-year old hybrids and werewolves making babies together?  What’s next?  Sparkly vampires impregnating humans, who have to be turned into vampires, after they give birth to creepy kids who reach adolescence, by the time they are a year old?

Being a typical guy, Klaus immediately wants a paternity test, accusing Hayley of slutting around with someone else in Mystic Falls.  (How hilarious would it be if the baby actually ended up being Tyler’s?)

But Hayley says, “Nope, all you, Big Guy!  No one else on TVD liked me enough to sleep with me.”

Klaus uses his vampire hearing to detect the baby’s heartbeat. And he is briefly touched by the notion of an unborn Mini Klaus in the tummy of his one-night stand.  But then, he quickly reverts back to petulant child mode.  “Kill the girl, and the baby.  See what I care,” Klaus shouts, as he stomps off into the darkness . . .

“But Daddy . . .  I thought we had a Moment!”

Elijah follows Klaus to try to get him to reconsider.  He tells him that a baby can be just what the broken Mikaelson family needs to get a fresh start on life .  . . a path back to their humanity.  (Silly Elijah, don’t you ever watch Lifetime Movies?  The baby never saves the failed marriage .  . . not even magical babies, like Mini Klaus.)

But Klaus’ pride will simply not allow him to do the witches’ bidding, not when he feels like they manipulated him, and underestimated his intelligence . . .

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Source

In other family news, the Honeymoon between Klaus and Marcel is clearly over.

Source

Furious at Marcel for having him followed, Klaus threatens to bite one of the King’s little boyfriends.  And later, when Marcel starts getting all territorial, and calling NOLA his city, Klaus makes good on that threat . . .

Awww . . . Newsie Cap Guy!  You’re too pretty to die!

Death by Klausi-kiss.  Now, THAT’S a much better way to go than Death by Tree Branch . . .

Message sent and received.  Marcel may have his rules.  But those rules simply don’t apply to The Original Hybrid . . .

Artsy Fartsy

Always a sucker for a spunky blonde and some good artwork, Klaus begins to reconsider the whole Daddy Situation, after engaging in a rather loaded conversation with Bartender/ Psych Major Camille about a street vendor’s art, which seems to literally speak to Klaus’ soul.  (Another horcrux, perhaps?)  Camille describes the painting as done by someone who is angry, dark, lonely, and doesn’t like to be controlled . . .

It probably didn’t help that the painting in question kind of looked like this . . .

Every King Needs an Heir . . .

Source

Whether it was the poopy painting, or the Caroline lookalike who talked to him about it, something about the experience causes Klaus to have a change of heart . . .

“IT DOES EXIST!”

Klaus and Elijah wax nostalgic a bit, about their youthful days spent in New Orleans.  (And by youthful, I mean they were only in their 600s.)  Klaus admits to his brother that he wants what Marcel has . . . power, friendship, family, loyalty, and a kingdom to call his very own.

And yeah, if that kingdom just so happens to include Hayley’s spawn, so be it . . .

In his first boldly political move to regain power over the Treme, Klaus makes peace with Marcel.  He rescues Newsie Cap guy (YAYYYYY!!), by feeding him his blood, and politely asks his former vampire kid for permission to stick around awhile.  Marcel accepts Klaus’ apology, but is smart enough to know that this detente between the two is only temporary, as the town is certainly not big enough for both of their massive egos . . .

Elijah too makes plans for a more permanent stay in Spinoff Land, by boldly cutting off ties with that sex kitten, Katherine Pierce, in the final moments of the episode . . .

What’s the matter Elijah?  You have something against getting laid?

Look, I get it, Elijah.  Family is important.  But I don’t see why you can’t have your family, and eat Katherine out too.  Just sayin . . .

Speaking of liaisons . . .

Sweet Caroline?

So, remember when Klaus promised Caroline that he’d be her personal travel companion, and willing cosmopolitan tour guide, for all eternity?

Source

Apparently, so does he!  A deep appreciation for art and culture is always something Klaus and Caroline shared.  Even though Klaus had the opportunity to travel the entire world, whereas Caroline’s existence, up until this point, has been limited to the confines of a sometimes stifling small Virginia town.  So, it’s natural that Klaus would think about Caroline, while traveling in a city as rich and culturally unique as New Orleans.

And given the general easing of relations between the two, of late, it’s hard to imagine that Caroline would be able to keep the smirk from her face, as she listened to this message.

I may be in the minority here.  But I’m one of those people who think Caroline would be better served as a cast mate on The Originals (with the option to return to TVD, if the series went south, of course).  For starters, for the past two seasons, Caroline hasn’t had a solid plotline that didn’t involve Tyler (gone) or Klaus (also now gone).  Though her friendship with Stefan is “cute,” I don’t really see a strong character developing future for Caroline on TVD, as the series stands.

Another reason, I’d like to see Caroline head off to NOLA is for the simple fact that girlfriend is GRADUATING HIGH SCHOOL.  And given her clear desire to travel, and strong appreciation for art and beauty, it seems natural that Vampire Barbie would want to head to college somewhere outside the bounds of her hometown.

Get on that pony and ride, far, far away, Caroline!

But will she take Klaus up on his offer?  Sadly, I suspect not.

TVD has been hemorrhaging characters, left and right, of late.  And I suspect the loss of one of its few remaining leading ladies would be too much for the show to  bear.

But hey, you never know . . .

So, Fangbangers?  Tell me, what did you think of The Originals.  Were you relieved to see these ancient jet setters FINALLY seeking out some classier digs?  Does Sexy Marcel make for a more intriguing villain than that Identity Thief Silas?  Are you glad Gentleman Elijah has started eviscerating people again?  And yeah . . . how about that BABY?

www.juliekushner.com    Fangirls Forever

The Katherine Pierce Project – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “American Gothic”

Source

Greetings Fangbangers!  Have you ever wondered what TVD would be like, if Katherine was its leading lady, instead of Elena?  Try this premise on for size: Nina Dobrev stars as Katherine Pierce,  an “ordinary” vampire gal trying to get her life back on track, in the “wacky” small town she’s compelled to universally adore her.  But when a REALLY Old Flame re-enters her life (Daniel Gillies, as Elijah Mikaelson) . . .

Source

 .  . . will Katherine be willing to give up the “normal”world she’s built for herself, for a second chance at True Love?

Also starring Sookie Stackhouse as “the Wacky Best Friend” . . .

Regina Mills as “That Bitchy Neighbor Who USED to Control the Town, until Katherine Came Along” . . .

Victoria Grayson as “The Other Bitchy Neighbor” . . .

Nick Miller as “The Hot Bartender / Handyman” . . .

 . . . and Daenerys Targaryen as “That Crazy Lady Who is Always Babbling About Her Dragons” . . .

Source

Coming this Fall to NBC (because the CW doesn’t do Sitcoms . . . or shows featuring characters over the age of 25).

With a shiny new locale, and two previously-absent characters taking center stage for much of the hour . . .  

ELIJAH . . . .

 .  . . this week’s pre-hiatus (Another one?  Already?) installment of TVD certainly felt like a different show.

Personally, I think it made for a nice change of pace.

So, ease on down to Death Diner, and don’t forget to tip kill your waitress . . .

 . . . because it’s time for another TVD-cap . . .

Dark Clouds and Silver Linings

Source

After hours on the road, Thelma and Louise Elena and Rebekah conveniently take a rest stop at the one town that just so happens to contain Katherine Pierce.  They know they are in the right place, because Elena’s roadside snack mistakes her for Katherine, just seconds before the Big Bite . . .

Source

As I suggested in the introduction, I  love the idea of Katherine compelling an entire town to be her Happy Meals.  And I kind of wish we got to explore it further.  The way the townspeople were compelled to ONLY remember Katherine when SHE was talking to them, and not when anyone else inquired after her (as Rebekah tried to do, in the first scene)?  Absolutely brilliant!

I was also intrigued by the fact that the supposedly stone cold Katherine appeared to be taking into account all the Bite Fetish Preferences of her various food sources.  Case in point, that one chick preferred to be bitten on the wrist, and actually appeared hurt and offended when Elena-as-Katherine seemingly ignored her wishes.

 That’s kind of chivalrous of Katherine, don’t you think?  Especially when you consider how many people she likely feeds from in that town, and the wide range of wacky ways on which each probably prefers to be fed.  How does she keep track of them all?  Perhaps, she keeps a list somewhere?  Or maybe even. . . A DIARY?

“Today the mailman told me he would prefer I only feed on him, by biting him in the ass.  Too much?”

Silver Lining: Rebekah and Elena ultimately find Katherine.

Source

Dark Cloud: Upon being discovered, Katherine promptly kicks Elena’s ass.  (Then again, depending on how you feel about Elena, maybe that could be construed as a silver lining too . . .)

Also on the road, on the hunt for THE CURE . . .

 . . . are Stefan and Damon.

Silver lining: Damon finds his precious car, which the girls abandoned on the road, in favor of a newer shinier model . . .

Dark cloud: It’s out of gas.

While refilling the tank, Damon and Stefan agree that New Elena kind of sucks ass, because she steals ugly blue ribbons from cheerleaders hair, eats people without wiping off her mouth, steals cars, and, perhaps, most importantly, won’t sleep with either of them . . .

Silver Lining: Mutual rejection by Elena = Salvatore Brotherly Bonding, something we haven’t really seen in a while on this show.

“Kiss me, you fool!”

Dark Cloud: This means that we’re going to have to wait until Damon takes another shower for us to see him naked again. 🙂

Silver Lining:  Damon showers more than any character on this show.

So, right about now, you are probably wondering what the deal is with this whole “Dark Cloud / Silver Lining thing.  Is this my new gimmick?  Is it going to replace my obsession with Surprised Monkey . . .

Scared Baby . . .

 . . . or this completely random picture of Stiles from Teen Wolf?

No.  Honestly, I just really liked the way Stefan said “Dark Cloud” in this scene . . .

Truth: if Stefan said the words “Dark Cloud” like that in every episode, I would be much more attracted to his character than I am now . . .

 . . . just not enough to become a Stelena fan.  Sorry.  I’m not sorry.

A Beautiful Place to Die

Meanwhile, back in Mystic Falls, Klaus has a really bad boo-boo, in a Naughty Place that he can’t scratch.

Sorry ladies, I’m talking about his back . . .

Silver Lining: Caroline comes to his rescue, and is being all flirty with his shirtless, in pain, possibly dying, ass, by cupping his face in her hands, and giving him big pouty googly eyes.

Dark Cloud: Oops, did I say Caroline?  I meant Silas, who decided to make himself look like Caroline, just for sh*ts and giggles.

Wait . . . so this guy is a cross dresser, now?

(BTW, “Caroline” makes a much better Silas than Professor Bushyhead Dumpy Dork . . . just saying.)

Back in Katherine Town, Klaus Barbie Rebekah, has come to Evilena’s rescue,  and introduces Katherine to a little ass kicking, herself.  The two hot vamps muse about what a beautiful place the town is to die.  Meh, I’ve seen much prettier places to die . . .

Everyone’s hungry.  So, the three girls take a break from their mutually assured,  oddly sexually charged ass kicking of one another, to eat some pie at the local Death Diner.  That’s such a Dude thing to do, isn’t it?  Settle your differences with fisticuffs, and then go eat immediately after, as if you all didn’t just try to kill one another . . .

Source

Doppleganger Hijinks 2: Electric Boogaloo

At Death Diner, the Search for the Cure has hit a bit of a snag.  Katherine won’t give up the goods . . .

 . . . so the three girls sort of just hang around acting passive aggressive with one another, while occasionally stabbing one another with forks.

Then, Elena hits pay dirt, when she notices a conveniently placed appointment on Katherine’s phone with the mysterious “EM.”

Tsk, tsk Katherine.  One would have thought you’d have more creative nicknames for the dude you’re screwing than just his initials.

Anywhoo, Elena decides that she’s going to impersonate Katherine at this meeting, something I’ve been wanting her to do, since Katherine first appeared.   You see, Katherine was always actually really GOOD at playing Elena.  And it was always my secret hope that Elena would SUCK at playing Katherine, and that it would be hilarious to watch.  I wasn’t wrong.

Source

Kudos to Nina Dobrev for instinctively realizing that Elena is a bad actress, and using that to her best advantage.  Everything about this scene is filled with win, from Elena’s ridiculous exaggeration of Katherine’s mannerisms, to Rebekah’s acting advice “make your voice deeper . . . more mannish,” to the look on Katherine’s face, when Elena insists on taking those killer high heels.

Source

Back in Mystic Falls, Caroline is also suffering from a case of mistaken identity.  Klaus thinks she’s SILAS AGAIN!  He’s pouting and telling her to leave him alone, like a 10-year old, getting accosted by a bully.

Then, Caroline makes some inane comment about prom committee, and Klaus realizes that this type of shallow, single-mindedness just can’t be faked.  HIS LADY LOVE IS HERE TO RESCUE HIM!  HOORAY!

Source

Back in K-Town, Elena meets Katherine’s “friend.”  SURPRISE!  Not really.  It’s Elijah.

Source

Bigger surprise?  He starts eating “Katherine’s” face.  And DAMN is he a good kisser!

Once again, I’m wishing I was watching the Katherine Show, so we could see what these two are like between the sheets.  I’m thinking it would be pretty torrid!

Reading the message boards, I notice that quite a few people were bothered by this development . . . specifically, the way it “tarnished” the image of Elijah as the consummate gentleman, the “smart brother,” in the words of Rebekah, i.e. the only male character on this show immune to sexual manipulation by girls who look like Nina Dobrev.

(For the record, while Elijah is still my favorite Original, flaws and all, I’m pretty sure the title of “Smart Brother,” should go to Kol.  No fawning over teenagers for that guy!  Then again, I guess being smart didn’t do him much good, in the long run, considering he spent more time in a coffin than any of his siblings.)

I certainly understand that sentiment, and felt the same way to an extent.  And yet, the new knowledge that Elijah occasionally thinks with his weiner . . .

 . . . does make him seem more three-dimensional and real.  And this “character veracity” will be important, once the character is carrying his own series.

But back to that kiss.  To Elijah’s credit, he knows enough about tonguing Katherine to determine when he isn’t doing it.  And this is one of those times.  Ruh-roh, Evilena!

Hide and Seek

Back at Death Diner, the Salvatore Brothers join Katherine and Beks at their table.  “There goes the neighborhood,” indeed!  In the course of a single episode, what was once a One-Vampire Town is slowly becoming . . . well . . . Mystic Falls!

Katherine glibly reveals that she basically set up Elena to get murdered by her “friend” Elijah, and all but sky writes that her and the Original Vamp are currently doing the Horizontal Mambo, on a regular basis.

Source

 Salvatore Squared and Rebekah pretend to be disgusted by this.  But we all know they are secretly turned on / jealous.  Well . . . except for maybe Rebekah, who really shouldn’t be thinking about her big brother that way . . .

After some maneuvering, the group decides to split up, with Katherine grudgingly leading Damon and Beks to THE CURE, while Stefan copes with the Evilena Hostage situation.  Clearly, Stefan got the better end of the deal, since his “problem” was solved with a simple phone call.

“Don’t kill my version of Nina Dobrev, and I won’t kill yours,” Elijah offers, more or less.

Elsewhere in K-Town, Katherine takes Beks and Damon to a house she claims is hers, though it’s pretty obvious she either killed its original occupants, or compelled them to give it to her.  She did, however, have time to put her own touches on the place . . . like have an empty fishtank filled with vervain water installed right in the middle of the living room.  Classy!

“What a waste of a good tank!”

(By the way, remember back in Season 1, when vervain was this rare-hard-to-find plant that Uncle Salvatore was growing in small quantities in his basement?  Now, apparently the Mayor of Mystic Falls has enough to taint the ENTIRE town’s water supply.  And Katherine manages to get herself an entire tank full in East Bumblef*ck, PA.  What gives?)

So, Damon is reasoning out loud all of the different places Katherine would be most likely to hide the cure in her home.  And at this point, I’m literally screaming at my television.  “It’s in the SOAPDISH! CHECK THE SOAPDISH!”

But instead, Damon checks the fish tank.  So, this happens . . .

Should have gone with the soapdish.  That’s all I’m saying . . .

To Damon’s credit, there is SOMETHING in that fish tank that looks suspiciously cure-shaped.  Katherine ends up giving it Beks before bolting.

Then Beks holds the little bottle aloft, doing an excellent impression of Smeagol from Lord of the Rings . . .

“My precious!”

 . . . before downing that red goo like it’s a jello shot she’s just been given by the character James Franco plays in Spring Breakers . . .

Stefan runs in just in time to say, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO,” for the second time in two episodes.  But to no avail.

Glug, glug, Beks drinks the cure and promptly passes out (because everyone knows that James Franco’s character in Spring Breakers roofies all his jello shots).

When Beks wakes up she’s super excited about the whole “being average” thing.  She feels FREE!  She feels ALIVE!  She feels like getting knocked up, and popping out puppies, ASAP!  She feels . . .

 . . . like getting a stake thrown at her head by Damon?

And just when you think this will be the shortest Cured Vampire Life Ever, Beks catches the stake with her hand, and her wound immediately heals.

Human?  Not so much . . .

Sorry Beks, it looks like you just got yourself Katherine-d . . .

Source

Also finding fake stuff?  Caroline, who’s digging inside the blood, guts and goo of Klaus’ back, like he’s a turkey she’s stuffing.

Source

(I bet Klaus wished she was really “stuffing” him, if you know what I mean.)

This whole vampire bloodline conceit actually works well in this case, because it makes Klaus a “Special Snowflake,” just like Elena used to be . . . only this time it’s actually for a good reason.  Elena is a Special Snowflake, because if she croaks, the Salvatores will never get to bone her again.

Klaus is a special snowflake, because if HE dies, the Salvatore Brothers won’t be able to bone ANYBODY ever again, because they will die too . . . and so will Katherine . . . and Tyler . . . and Caroline . . . and Elena.  Because Klaus is pretty much indirectly responsible for the vampirization of the entire cast.

Caroline takes a pause from Back-Digging to remind Klaus (as she does every week) what a little sh*t he is, and how, even though she thinks he’s hot (especially shirtless), the fact that he’s tried to kill her and her friends multiple times, and succeeded a few, is kind of a major turn-off.

Source

She thinks Klaus should let the guy she’s been boning return to Mystic Falls, because that would be a Major Turn ON!

Wait . . . what?

Klaus yells back, more or less, “Don’t sass me, Little One!  I’m your Big Bad Special Snowflake!”

Then, POOF!  All of Klaus’ pain disappears . . . basically because it was never there in the first place.

Silas, you scheming Mind-Rapist, you!

Klaus thanks Caroline profusely for the magically curative powers of her Incessant Nagging. And it’s an oddly sweet moment . . . or at least as oddly sweet a moment can be, when you consider that Klaus is leaving the show in a couple of episodes.  And these two probably aren’t going to “happen” romantically, before then.

Source

Let this be a lesson to all you couples out there.  The next time your boyfriend or girlfriend chides you for being a pain in the ass.  Just tell them you are keeping them from feeling their imaginary back pain!

Source

The Real Deal

Back in K-Town, Elijah is holding Elena hostage, so that the Salvatore Brothers and his sister don’t kill Katherine.  But because Elijah is so civilized, this hostage situation involves genial smiles and polite conversation.

(Remember back in Season 2, when Elijah kidnapped Elena for the first time, and he was the Scariest Hostage Taker EVER?  A lot has changed since then . . .)

Elijah wants to know what happened to Elena?   She used to be such a nice girl . . . the kind of girl to whom you write elegant missives about the nature of her beautiful soul!  Now, she’s a total sh*t!

Source

Elena calmly explains how she became a total sh*t when Elijah’s girlfriend killed her brother.

Source

Then, to add insult to injury, she adds that she burned his love letter to her.  What a dirtbag move!

Source

Elijah seems genuinely bummed out about the death of JerBear.  (The two shared the same dedication to hair care products, after all.)  But he’s obviously more bummed out about the loss of those elegantly written sort-of letters.  Elijah is pretty much the William Darcy of TVD . . .

Source

Elena continues to needle Elijah, reminding him that Katherine is 100% manipulating him so that he can broker a peace treaty on her behalf with Klaus.  And Elijah just looks so sad to hear this, that I cheer when Katherine comes from behind and breaks Elena’s neck.  B*tch had it coming!

Source

But then Elijah gives Katherine the cold shoulder about the whole JerBear Murder, which has come to symbolize for him their entire relationship . . . a Tragic Sham, not to mention a Waste of Good Hair!

Source

To Katherine’s credit, she looks genuinely saddened by Elijah’s sudden rejection.  Though, at this point, it’s uncertain whether that sadness, comes from the actual loss of sensational sex with Elijah (which would certainly make ME cry, if I was her), or the fact that she’s pretty much just earned herself another 500 years of running from Klaus.

Whatever the real reason, Katherine makes strides to prove her loyalty to Elijah, by obtaining the ACTUAL cure (it was hiding in the Bite-Me-in-the-Wrist Chick’s house, from the beginning of the episode), and offering it up to Elijah to do with it what he will.

Elijah then reunites with his baby sister.  And the two of them head back to Mystic Falls. (In another stolen car, I presume?)

Back at Death Diner, Stefan and Damon continue to nag Elena about taking the cure.  So, she gets mad, and kills a waitress . . . in broad daylight . . . in front of EVERYONE.  (Though, I guess those who actually remember what happened will blame it on Katherine).  Elena warns the boys to stop trying to cure her, or she’ll keep killing random extras on the show.

Source

“Killing random extras on the show?  But that’s our job?”  Damon pouts.

“I know!”  Stefan commiserates.  “Evilena sucks.  Her and I are SO broken up.  It’s high time I got a life,” he adds.

Source

And it only took him about three-quarters of a season to figure that out!

Next week on TVD . . . hiatus.

The week after that . . . hiatus.

But after that, this . . .

Some are speculating that the Evilena in these promos is actually Katherine, given the focus in multiple shots on the bracelet on her wrist . . . a bracelet that looks remarkably similar to the daylight one Katherine refused to take off in this week’s episode.  But would Katherine risk returning to Mystic Falls just to play a trick on the Salvatore Brothers at prom?  Tune in two weeks from now to find out.

Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Apocalypse Eventually? – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Because the Night”

Source

Greetings, Fangbangers!  And welcome to the End of the World!

The Heroes have failed.  The Bad Guys have won.  And the Apocalypse is imminent.

Now, there’s nothing left to do, but wait until the Gates to the Other Side open, and Evil swallows us whole . . .

Still waiting .  . .

Any minute now .  . .

It’s coming .  . .really . . . I promise . . .

*whistles uncomfortably*

Did I say the Apocalypse was NOW?  I meant NEXT WEEK!

This week on The Vampire Diaries, Silas WINS . . .

Elena gets a haircut. . .

Source

And an ill timed commercial break deprives us of Rooftop Sex . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

[This weeks screencaps are brought to you by screencapped.net.]

Bloody Big Apple

It’s 1977 in New York City.  Disco isn’t dead yet.  Bell bottoms are still cool.  And there’s a Dead Guy lying in the street.

Or is there?

*slurp, slurp . . .*

That’s right, boys and girls.  Different decade.  Same old vampire tricks . . .

Source

And yet, with generous amounts of guyliner, and a couple clever pop culture references (Son of Giusseppe, anyone?), Damon Salvatore manages to make what could have been a tired scene seem somehow fresh . . . not to mention way funnier than a double homicide has any right to be.  Because, he’s just cool like that.

Also, kudos to the music department for getting the rights to Talking Heads “Psycho Killer.”  When it comes to matching a song to a scene, it really doesn’t get much more perfect than this . . .

Of course, my favorite TVD Musical Moment will ALWAYS remain Damon’s dance with Vicki in Season 1 to Depeche Mode’s “Enjoy the Silence.”

But this one came a close second.  What’s YOUR favorite TVD Musical Moment?

A Silas Hunting We Will Go

Source

When Stefan finds out Silas has been skulking around Mystic Falls, and draining the hospital blood supply, he immediately calls his ex-boyfriend Klaus for help.

This, of course, totally pisses off Stefan’s New Girl Friday, Caroline.

Did I say pisses her off, I mean secretly thrills her in a Sexual Way . . .

Source

Such is the curse of the Good Girl, who longs for the Bad Boy, but hates herself for it . . .

Source

And when it comes to Bad Boys, Klaus pretty much takes the cake, in Caroline’s life.  After all, this IS the guy who killed her boyfriend’s mother and her best friend’s Useless Aunt, banished her boyfriend to the Great Beyond, and was responsible for almost poisoning Caroline, herself, to death with werewolf venom . . . twice.

But he draws her ponies, and triangles on a map.  And he buys her expensive things.  (DREAMY!)

Did I mention he has an accent?

That’s right, Klaroline fans.  Though, when it comes to snagging Caroline, up to this point, Klaus has had about as much game, as Charlie Brown on a football field .  . .

. . . he definitely made some headway into her heart, this week . .  .

from the group geometry lesson .  . . to the Walk in the Woods . . .

Source

. . . to the come hither stares the pair were giving one another throughout the episode .  . .

Source

Something is definitely brewing here, Sports Fans.  And then Klaus did the one thing that is sure to send Caroline zooming right into his Dr. Evil Underoos . .  .

He REJECTED HER!

“As IF!”

But I’m getting ahead of myself, here.  For now, all you need to know is that our Blonde Vampire Trio has located Silas Bushyhead, by finding on a map, the two places where he is most likely to perform his next massacre . . .

The plot . . . it’s thickening . . .

A New York Sh*tty Flashback

This one time .  . . at Band Camp . . . I turned off my humanity, and started eating everyone in New York . . .

So begins, Damon’s Bedtime Story to Elena.

And of course, every Bedtime Story has to have a Fairy Godmother . . .

Good ole, Lexie!  Talk about a Girl with Bad Boy Complex.  This reoccurring vampiress never met a Humanity Free Salvatore she didn’t want to fix.

But while “therapy” for Stefan involved tying him to a chair for months on end, and draining him dry, her methods of curing Damon were a bit more . . . unorthodox.

Source

Honestly, who could blame Damon for not wanting to restart that pesky humanity switch?  From the sexy neck shares, to the long nights spent drinking and dancing, this flashback read more like The Perks of Being a Vampire II: Electric Boogaloo than any sort of cautionary tale against bad vamp behavior!

And when Damon started fixing those Puppy Dog Eye Things in Lexie’s direction, and stroking her ego (among other lady parts), by claiming his love for her CURED HIM OF EVIL, I knew instantly he was full of crap.  (Even the most casual TVD fan knows that Damon Salvatore was a one-woman vamp for about 145 years, and that woman was sure as hell NOT LEXIE.)

But still, like the Most Gullible Vampire Ever, I found myself eagerly awaiting the start of some good, old fashioned humanity free Damon Sex .  . .

Source

And then those bastards cut to commercial!

Oh the humanity!

Seriously, since when did the CW become PBS!  They skipped over the night, and went straight to MORNING?!  COME ON!  Even ABC Family gives us Naked Foreplay!

Anywhoo, I guess it isn’t supposed to matter, because the whole Seduction Thing was all just a scheme on Damon’s part to get Lexie locked up on the roof, without her sunscreen ring, so he could ditch her self-righteous ass.

But still . . . a little skin would have been nice . . . just sayin’

Feeding Family Style

Back in the present day, Damon’s gabbing on the phone with Stefan, who’s back in Mystic Falls, while Elena is busy getting the FASTEST Hair Color / Cut EVER.  (Maybe the hairdresser is a vampire too?)

STEFAN: “Previously, on The Vampire Diaries . . .”

DAMON: “Seriously, isn’t this supposed to be Elena’s job?  I don’t want to have to listen to this.  What, just because she has her humanity turned off, she gets a free pass on in-script recapping?  I’m contacting SAG!”

I like Elena’s new look . . . I do.  And in general, I enjoyed Nina Dobrev’s new take on humanity-free Elena this week.  She just seemed less robotic, and more mischievous . . . She seemed like she was actually having a good time being bad, for a change.

Source

My one gripe?  This Elena seems a lot less like Humanity Free Elena, and more like . . . Regular Katherine, even down to the bigger hair, and more stylish clothes.  I have a feeling that this is going to make next week, when the two start sharing the screen again VERY CONFUSING.

But I digress, it turns out that Damon has some ulterior motives for his little Humanity Vacation Road Trip.  You guys remember Will from last week?

Well, apparently, he was well known in New York City vampire circles as a Fake ID maker . . . or rather, a Real ID taker, who gave dead people’s ID’s to vampires on the run . . . And I bet you will never guess who Will’s favorite client was . . .

Ding! Ding! Ding!  Katherine Petrova, that’s right!

Source

So, Damon’s Master Plan is to hunt down Katherine, swipe The Cure from her fingertips, and shove it down Elena’s throat, along with her morning Blood Breakfast.  Sounds easy, right?

The only problem is that Elena’s on to his little scheme, and has some plans of her own for The Cure .  . . plans that involve it being given to her Brand New Bestie, instead . . . Rebekah.

Woah!  Who ever thought that these two sworn enemies would end up partying together, and drinking from the same neck . . . literally?

Source

Apparently, Damon’s little pep talk to Rebekah, last week, about humans being boring, failed to convince the Original She-Vamp that her future shouldn’t be paved with mortality, and a bevy of Klaus Barbie Babies . . .

Now, I know this makes me a total traitor, but I kind of like the idea of a Human Rebekah.  She wants it more than anyone else.  Why shouldn’t she get it?

And while I’m still quite positive that this storyline is going to end with the cure inadvertently being shoved down Damon’s throat, I have to admit that I’m with Team Elenbekah on this one . . .

Source

So, to review, Damon is playing Elena.  Elena is playing Damon.  And Rebekah is definitely NOT playing with This Guy . . .

Source

Now, that we know the Teams, we can start keeping score!

Damon, thanks to Stefan’s uncanny ability to remember all his ex-girlfriend’s birthdays, finds a paper in Will’s apartment, listing all of Katherine’s known addresses.  (Score 1 for Damon).

Then, Elena seductively brings him on the roof, for what Damon thinks will be some Lexie-inspired nookie, but is actually a game of Back-Pocket snatch and grab (Score 1 for Elena, Score -25 for Delena fans hoping for a little rooftop action from their favorite lovebirds).

Source

But Damon catches on to Elena’s scheme, and pries the paper back from her greedy little hands.  (Score 2 for Damon, 1 for Elena).

Then, Rebekah pops up, seemingly out of nowhere, and breaks Damon’s neck!!  (Score 69 for Rebekah, Score 2 for Elena, and Score -25 for the temporarily dead Damon).

In the final round, Rebekah, and Elena head off in Damon’s car, with his precious address list, while Damon naps off his death on the rooftop of that seedy New York bar.

Source

(Score 169 for Rebekah and Elena, Score -125 for Snoozing Damon, and Score 1,025 for Lexie, who, somewhere up in Vampire Purgatory, just got the best Poetic Justice of her unnaturally long life . . .)

Talk about Vampire Girl Power!

Binge and Purge – Wiccan Style

“Hey, I just met you.  And now you’re crazy . . .”

“So I’ll call all my witch friends .  . .”

“And kill you, maybe?”

Meanwhile, back in Mystic Falls, Silas Bushyhead is still Svengali-ing Bonnie into murdering 12 people, who P.S., just so happen to have to be witches.

Source

Way to not support the Sisterhood of the Traveling Nosebleeds, BonBon!

Silas Bushyhead’s plan really sets into motion, when Bonnie goes all Stephen King’s Carrie on the windows in her dad’s house.

Source

So dad does what any rational father would do in this situation . . . sends his daughter off in the woods to meet with his vampire ex-wife’s crazy witch friend, and her 11 teen minions?

Is Ridiculously Bad Parenting contagious?  Because it definitely seems like an epidemic in Mystic Falls.

As much as I abhor me some Bonnie, even I have to admit the Witch Exorcism scene was pretty nifty, with Bonnie adding white eyeballs to her usual repertoire of Bleeding from the Nose and Whining . . .

Then, Stefan . . . bless his heart, pops on the scene, and says, “WAIT!  Stop the exorcism, Bonnie’s working for SILAS!”

To which, The Witch, replies . . . “Eh, no biggie!  We’ll just kill Bonnie.  We were half way there, anyway . . .”

(Sounds like a plan to me!)

Of course, Stefan’s lame attempt at rescue ended up playing right into Bushyhead’s plans.  Because, minutes later, Caroline KILLS the head witch . . .

.  .  . and all the others immediately fall dead, domino-style (which was also pretty unintentionally hilarious to watch).

And so, the Apocalypse has finally come to Mystic Falls . . .maybe.

Klaus, who earlier in the day gave Caroline a geometry lesson about equilateral Expression Triangles, now gives her another one, about how killing TWELVE witches, and OPENING THE GATES OF HELL, to save one REALLY annoying one, isn’t exactly a fair trade in the scheme of Good versus Evil.

Caroline is SAD.  Caroline is VULNERABLE.  Caroline wants comfort.  In other words, Klaus is SO IN . . .

. . . which is probably why he rejects her ass . . .

Source

Congratulations Charlie Brown Klaus.  It looks like you finally got that football, away from Lucy, after all!

P.S. It turns out Bonnie has amnesia about her entire Bring It On: Apocalypse Mini Series.

This means, she has to learn about JerBear’s death ALL OVER AGAIN.  Might I suggest waiting until Season 4 of TVD comes out on Blue Ray . . .

Bushwack . . . ing off?

Then Bushyhead Silas has to come and totally harsh Klaus’ buzz, by rubbing it in about the whole Apocalypse Thing, and staking his ass . . .

BASTARD!

Next week on TVD . . . did I hear someone say, Doppelganger Hijinx?

Oh, and what the heck is up with Dog-on-a-Leash Klaus, and . . . is that Silas!Caroline?

Color me intrigued . . . until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Elena the Cheerleader Slayer – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Bring it On”

Source

Welcome back, Fangbangers!   This week on TVD, we got a chance to meet BAAAAAD Elena.  For those who are confused, BAAAAD Elena is actually not all that different from Good Elena.  She just wears less clothes, and eats more people!  (After all, perpetual nudity does cause one to work up an appetite . . . or so I’ve heard.)

Also, in this episode, Klaus, the thousand-year old vampire drawer of ponies, ugly snowflakes, and random shapeless mounds of what look like poop “artist” extraordinaire, FINALLY GOT LAID, thus making him a hero for geriatrics everywhere!

OK, so, it may not have been the most eventful TVD episode ever (or the second most, or even the eighth most).  But I guess after the doom and gloom of “Stand by Me,” the writers thought we were in need of something a little lighter . . . like a cheerleading competition!

So, tighten up that high ponytail, puff up your pom-poms, and, for heaven sakes, leave that blue hair ribbon at home, because it’s time to “BRING IT ON!”

[As always, special thanks to Andre for the kickass screencaps.  This may be the first time, in a long time that he’s liked an episode more than I did.  Go figure!]

Drive-Thru Fast Food

She may be emotion free, and have terrible manners.

But our Bad Elena is an incredible little student.  Look how effortlessly she perfected the Katherine and Damon method of Roadside Dine n’ Dash!

Source

One small problem, of course.  For an undead girl, Bad Elena makes for a very unconvincing corpse.  At least Katherine and Damon bloodied their faces and went easy on the guyliner, for their “Monthly Street Lie-In.”  Not only was Bad Elena’s makeup flawless, her outfit unwrinkled, and her hair un-mussed, on her Roadkill Debut, but, for whatever reason, girlfriend decided to lay in the road, SPREAD EAGLED?

It kind of makes you wonder what Bad Elena was supposedly doing, before she was “hit by a car,” to make her “land” in such a precarious position.  Cheerleading, perhaps?  Or, maybe, something even more “athletic” . . .

Anywhoo, our nameless, identity-free, unsuspecting, driver stops to help Roadkill Elena (as all nameless, identity-free, unsuspecting, drivers inevitably do), and ends up with a neck-full-of gore for her trouble.

“Is it Friday yet?”

Have no fear, Nameless, Identity-free, Unsuspecting Driver!  Damon Salvatore has arrived to rescue you!

“Elena, darling.  Save some room for dessert!”

 I mean, sure, you are still probably going to be spending the next month of your life, sporting the ugliest neck hickey in the History of Neck Hickeys.  But hey, look on the bright side, at least you still have a neck!

Damon tells Elena to “practice some restraint.” It’s worthwhile noting that this comment that would have been a lot funnier, had it been said by Season 1 Damon . . .

. . . than by Season 4 Damon, who — much to Delena fans’ chagrin — has somehow managed to only have sex with Elena ONE TIME, since this whole Sire Bond storyline crapped on graced our screens.

Season 4 Damon is the Granddaddy of Restraint, at least when it comes to his superhuman ability to nurse these . . .

Coed Naked Elena

Damon drags a bloody faced, perpetually bored looking, but decidedly less hungry, Elena back home.  Shortly thereafter, at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Daddy Damon has a “family meeting” with Mommy Stefan, and Judgmental-Older Sister Caroline about how to handle their new unruly vampire baby.

“Are they talking about me?  They are totally talking about me, aren’t they?”

Sidenote:  I did find myself briefly amused by the fact that, of ALL the houses in Mystic Falls, the SALVATORE water supply, just so happens to be the only one not laced with vervain.  Not only is that ridiculously convenient plot wise — how else would we get to see five glorious minutes of Damon singing in the shower, every other episode? — it’s also SUCH a major failure on the part of the Mayor.   I mean, Mystic Falls doesn’t seem like that BIG of a town, right?  In fact, I’d go as far as to say that at least 15% of the town’s vampire population currently lives, has lived at, or WILL live at La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  And THAT’S the house they miss vervaining?

Then again, this guy is related to Bonnie.  So, maybe I shouldn’t be so surprised . . .

Sorry, to all you Bonnie lovers out there.  I’m not sorry.

(Speaking of everyone’s favorite Witch Who Joined the Cult of Silas, girlfriend was notably absent from this week’s cheer festivities, thus proving that Shane/Silas ruins EVERYTHING . . . even extracurricular activities.)

But back to this All-Important Family Meeting, Elena walks in on it, as unruly vampire babies are wont to do.  But, here’s the kicker, she’s TOTALLY NAKED . . . which would be a lot more surprising, if we hadn’t seen it in the promos.

Still, it was fun to see the various characters’ reactions, to Elena in her birthday suit.  They were embarrassed (Stefan), amused (Damon), and aghast (Caroline) respectively.

Source

By the way, did you notice how Elena’s “It’s not like you haven’t all seen it before” statement included Caroline?  Now, THAT would make for a great fanfiction  . . .

Before Elena heads off for her first day back to school in about eight episodes since her “dehumanizing,” she and Damon play a quick game of Sire Says.  For those of you who are unfamiliar, Sire Says, is a lot the Simon Says game you used to play as kids, except the commands take a lot longer to carry out than your typical, “jump on one leg,” “pat your head, while rubbing your tummy” sort of instructions.  Plus, rather than saying the typical “Sire Says,” prior to giving a command, Damon is forced to say something like, “If you really loved me you’d . . .”

(Where have we heard that one before, ladies?)

But here’s the rub.  BAAAAAAD Elena doesn’t love anybody anymore, which kind of puts the kibosh on the whole “Sire Bond” thing.

The good news about that, is that Damon can finally sex with Elena, without worrying about it being . . . you know . . . Sire Bond Sex.

The bad news is that, without the Sire Bond to force her to switch her emotions back on, BAAAAD Elena could very well end up being BAAAAD Elena FOREVER . . . or at least until the next Sweeps period . . .

The Quick and the Undead

In non-Elena related news (Who am I kidding?  Everything on this show somehow ties back to Elena.) , Hayley (Remember her?) is wandering around some random gas station when some hot, soon-to-be-dead, vampire comes thisclose to making her into a tasty werewolf burger.

And you are never going to guess who saves her?

Wait, yeah you are, because you already saw the episode. It’s Klaus.  You see, Katherine wants Hayley dead, because Hayley was a party to Katherine’s plans to steal the cure, and, therefore, might know her whereabouts.  And Klaus wants Hayley alive, for the exact same reason.  Comprende?

Now, Klaus has two people to mine for information about Katherine’s whereabouts: (1) Hayley, obviously; and (2) the now-dying-of-werewolf bite guy who just tried to kill Hayley on Katherine’s behalf.  So, he makes things easier for himself, by sending Damon and Rebekah after the one he doesn’t want to f*&k.  Convenient, right?

How’s this for a small world?  When Damon finds Hayley’s would-be killer / Katherine’s minion, it turns out that he knows the guy!  It’s some hot vamp named “Will” from New York.  So, Damon decides to do what any self-respecting vampire would do, when he meets up with an old dying friend from New York . .  . he rips his heart out.  Nice knowing ya, Hot Will!  See ya in next week’s flashbacks!

“Damon, don’t leave me here to die.  You’re breaking my heart!”

“Problem solved!”

Also, in not-related-to-Elena news, it turns out that the mystery person whose been gorging on the local hospital blood supply is . . . wait for it . . . SILAS.  Be afraid, Scooby Gang!  Be very afraid!

Speaking of scary . . .

Cheerleading is a bloodsport . . .

With this odd expression on her face that makes her look like a Stepford Wife controlled by Dr. Evil . . .

. . . Bad Elena politely requests that Cheer Captain Caroline let her back on the cheerleading squad.  Cheer Captain Caroline (who, come to think of it, bares a striking resemblance to Cheer Captain Torrence, from the first Bring it on Movie)

. . . thinks this is an AWESOME idea . . . possibly because, in addition to spiking the town’s water supply with Vervain, the Mayor has also spiked it with Stupid.

I mean, seriously, how did Vampire Barbie not realize that this was going to end badly.  Hasn’t she ever seen Jennifer’s Body?

Caroline’s questionable judgment aside, Elena is immediately allowed back on the Cheerleading Squad.  And, then, literally the next minute, she’s at a cheer competition.  Now, that’s impressive.  I wonder what poor freshman got [eaten] kicked off the travel squad bus, so that Elena could compete.  Perhaps, it was this one .  . .

. . . Haven’t seen the generally useless and ridiculously annoying perky April Young lately, have we?  Wouldn’t it be great if, she somehow ended up being Silas?  Just saying . . .

As someone who has attended regional sports competitions in high school, I can tell you, it’s never a good idea to leave your crap on the bus.  ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS take your crap off the bus, OK?  For one thing, those meets are looooooong. You are typically there for hours, and are usually only competing for maybe 7 minutes of that time, if you are lucky.  So, you are definitely going to want to have your crap with you while you wait.

“I left my crap on the bus.”

“Haha, moron!”

Also, I’m sure, by now, you’ve noticed that all school buses look alike.  So, the chance of you actually locating yours, when your bus driver isn’t smoking in the front seat, are about as likely as TVD hooking up Matt with Klaus, this season.  And even if you do find it, there’s about a 95% chance it’s locked up tight, which means you’re not getting in there, until that meet is OVER!

Another reason not to leave your crap on the bus? Elena Gilbert might come there, EAT YOU, and take away your ugly blue ponytail ribbon.

Source

When Caroline finds Elena with a TOTALLY NOT MATCHING WITH HER RED UNIFORM blue ponytail ribbon, she is SUPER PISSED .  . . though I’m not sure whether she’s more angry about the whole “eating the competition” thing, or the fact that Elena’s blue ribbon is like totally clashing with the team uniform . . .  Whatever, the reason, she gives Elena a piece of her mind.

Source

This, in turn, prompts Elena to let Caroline fall on her ass during Cheer Pyramid time.

“Last time Elena got me on my back, I was having a lot more fun . . .”

Bring it On Torrence would NEVER have stood for that!  It’s time for revenge, Caroline.  Shove that Spirit Stick right up Elena’s ass . . .

Or, maybe, just have Stefan do that for you.  Outside Cheer Town, Stefan responds to Elena’s boredly hitting on him, by vervaining her ass and dragging her back home.

“I think this is the most play I’ve gotten from Elena all season.”

Meanwhile, back at Klaus House  . . .

The “Art” of Seduction

Haley is not so much admiring, as, insulting Klaus’ artwork, while Klaus attempts, with only limited success, to extract from Tyler’s former Girl Friday information about Katherine’s whereabouts.  Klaus admits that he uses art as a way to exert control over the world around him.  Funny, because that’s exactly how Haley uses sex!

Klaus wants Caroline, and information about Katherine (which Hayley might have).  Hayley wants Tyler, and information about her long lost family (which Klaus might know, based on his remark about her birthmark).  They agree to form an unholy alliance to help one another get what they want.  Instead of shaking hands on the deal, like normal humans, Klaus and Hayley decide to screw on it, which, I guess, is like shaking private parts.

Source

All right, now I know a lot of fans have been bitching about the whole Klaus / Haley sexual interlude thing.  They say the two actors have no chemistry with one another.  They say the whole scene seemed less designed to drive the plot, and more designed to promote the spinoff, The Originals, in which both characters have already been awarded starring roles.  They have a point . . .

But, here’s the thing . . . I’m GLAD Klaus finally got laid on camera.  For one thing, the audience has gone way too long, without seeing Joseph Morgan shirtless, weird Sesame Street-esque triangle back tattoo, notwithstanding.  Are Klaus and Haley a great love match?  Absolutely not.  But it was starting to stretch the realms of believeability that a hormonally-charged, perpetual 20-something, would remain entirely celibate for two-plus years, all because he “fell in love” with a high school girl.  No matter how much Damon loved Elena, he was constantly getting laid, throughout the first three seasons of the series.  And if TVD had any sense of realistic character development, that’s exactly what Klaus should have been doing this whole time .  . . you know, when he wasn’t plotting World Domination and /or staking his siblings, and/or shamelessly hitting on Stefan . . .

House Party Munchies

Over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elena tells Stefan that she remembers him being good in bed . . .

Source

. . . but only in a clinical way . . . not in a way that makes her want to marry him, and have his vampire babies .. . because that’s not what BAAAAD Elena is about.

What is BAAAAD Elena about, you ask?  PARTIES!

That’s right!  Our impressively efficient Evil Elena somehow manages to invite the ENTIRE SCHOOL to Stefan’s house all within her five minute conversation with him.  Talk about speed text messaging!  She must have learned that from THIS GUY . . .

Damon and Beks arrive at the party, just in time for Damon to tell Klaus Barbie that she shouldn’t really want the cure, because humans are boring . . . well, except for Human Elena, of course . . .

Having survived her brush with Cheer Death, Caroline arrives at the party, SUPER PISSED at her gal pal, Elena.  Her and Stefan are very worried about the state of their friend’s soul, indeed.  But not worried enough to keep them from DANCING . . . HOLLA!

Source

Despite Stefan having only recently finished sexing up Rebekah, and Caroline only recently having “split” with Tyler (more on that in a bit), these two have been flirting with one another, something fierce lately.   Do I smell a future hookup?  Elena sure seems to . . .

“Why do I look so jealous?   I’m not supposed to have emotions, this week.”

Man, is this group getting incestuous. . .

We interrupt this dating game to bring you Elena trying to EAT CAROLINE’S MOM!

“I knew becoming a cop was a mistake.  I should have become a pirate, like I wanted to back when I was a kid.”

Watch it, Elena!  You almost killed the only parental figure left alive in Mystic Falls.  You’re going to pay . . .

It’s girl fight time!  BRING IT ON!

And, once again, the Salvatore brothers must come to the rescue . . .

Source

This used to be my boyfriend’s house (Now it’s my ex-boyfriend’s house)

Poor Caroline!  Now, I’ve heard of guys breaking up with girls by voicemail, text message, post-it note, even Facebook / Twitter status update.  But I’ve never heard of a guy breaking up with a girl by deeding his house to her ex-boyfriend!  Ouch!

And us fans thought JerBear got a bad send off, when his stinky corpse got burnt to a crisp, along with the Gilbert house.  Tyler got two minute voice over, in the same episode where Caroline very much looked like she’d already started moving on with Stefan.  Now, that’s gotta hurt!

“Dammit!  Now, I’ll have to choose from one of the other eight boys on this show currently hitting on me.”

In lighter news, Matt Donovan, Teenage Mansion Owner, just became the RICHEST poor guy, ever!

“I’ll buy a limousine, instead!”

Maybe now, he can finally stop working at the Only Bar / Social  Establishment in Mystic Falls, and start trying to find himself a REAL storyline . . .

A girl can dream, right?

On the Road Again . . .

Source

Pop Quiz:  Where’s the best place to take your now- humanity-free girlfriend on a road trip?

Personally, I’d go with Vegas.  I mean, they call it Sin City for a reason, right.  Damon, however, opts to bring Elena to New York City, former home of the now literally heartless Will.

Source

This could be promising . . .

Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

The Boy Who Cried “Dead” (and the Wolf who Cried “Gone”) – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Down the Rabbit Hole”

Source

Hola, Fangbangers!  This week on TVD, someone DIED again . . . but maybe not permanently . . . it’s kind of hard to tell.

Someone left Mystic Falls forever    for a REALLY, REALLY LONG TIME     for a few episodes, at LEAST!

And someone RETURNED FROM ETERNAL EXILE, at least until her NEXT eternal exile!

This is a big deal, right?  I mean these sorts of things don’t happen every week . . .

OK, you got me.  They kind of do happen every week in Mystic Falls.  But still!   When someone dies, they usually stay dead!

When someone leaves, they usually stay gone!

When someone returns, they usually stick around.

All these things could mean big changes for the show, as we know it.  RIGHT?

No?  Oh well!  On with the recap, anyway  .  . .

[As always, special thanks to Andre, who will undoubtedly miss screencapping JerBear’s abs, just as much as I miss writing about them!]

Skin Care with Damon Salvatore

Source

When we last left Damon Salvatore, he was dead . . .

No, seriously.  I don’t mean like “undead.”  I mean, that vampire hunter guy snapped his neck, and he wasn’t breathing.  (See what I mean about deaths being unusually passe and temporary, on this show?)

Anywhoo, Damon’s alive again now . . .

Except, he’s got a noose around his neck, and is being humiliatingly dragged around Lost Island by the guy who “killed” him . . .

These two are flirting with one another, something fierce.  The Vampire Hunter (who’s name is “Vaughn” by the way), compares Damon to a mosquito, an adorable pet name, if I’ve ever heard one.

Source

He also tells Damon that he’s been watching him, and all his friends closely (Though, apparently, not closely enough to know that Damon doesn’t give two craps about Bonnie.); and that he plans to use him to wake and kill the Infamous Silas.

In return, Damon remarks on Vaughn’s nifty new tattoo (which apparently sprouted new wings around the same time THIS happened) .  . .

Then, the eternal stud boasts of his own, supple, ink-free, skin.

Source

Oh, just get a room already, you two .  . . or at least a nice hole in the ground!

We interrupt this Very Sexy Infomercial for another “Previously on The Vampire Diaries” phone conversation . . .  Take it away, Elena . . .

“Like previously .  .  . on The Vampire Diaries . . .  we all went to this crazy island, where dudes wearing dreadlocks and white face paint occasionally try to  stake us and shoot us with arrows.  But you and Tyler didn’t get to come, because you were  both busy getting hit on / almost murdered by Klaus.  And then, like,  Damon and I TOTALLY got into this big fight, because I want to take The Cure.  And he like . . . doesn’t?  And then he disappeared, and I thought it was because he was mad at me.  But I think he’s like actually in a lot of danger?  So, um, anyway, even though last week we said we had no cell phone reception here, and now it seems like we lied . . . would you mind going to Klaus’ house, picking up his sword map, and sending us pictures of it?  Because we totally came to this remote and dangerous island without any plan, whatsoever?”

“What?  Elena?  I can’t hear you.  This is a really bad connection.  *makes fake static noises into the phone*  Ohhh, I think I’m losing you.  Gotta go. Have fun failing to get The Cure.  Byeeeeeee!”

“I can’t believe that b*tch hung up on me, on MY SHOW!”

Then, Caroline goes to Klaus’ house, so she can fondle his big ancient sword, which isn’t nearly as fun as it sounds . . .

Source

“Thanks so much for your help!  Here, have a rock!”

Poor Not-Johnny Depp . . .

He went through all this trouble to capture Bonnie and JerBear, and all he got for his troubles was a DAMN ROCK!

Shane said the rock . . . like . . . had some sh*t like that.  Bull honky!  It looked like a plain old rock to me!  And it certainly didn’t help keep Not Johnny Depp from ending up like this . . .

Sorry Not Johnny Depp guy!  Unlike the rest of the characters on this show, I’m thinking you are probably going to STAY dead.  But hey, look on the bright side, at least you don’t have to shell out extra cash for a fancy gravestone!  You already have a rock!

Aramaic for Dummies

Back in Mystic Falls, Tyler, Caroline and Klaus are having a great time surfing for porn on the internet . . .

“Hey, look!  It’s Andre’s screencaps!”

 . . .  and taking turns rubbing Klaus’ big ancient sword . . .

Tyler: “I think my sword is bigger.”

Caroline: “Trust me, it isn’t.”

“Hey Caroline, don’t YOU want to hold my sword for a little while?”

Tyler: “I’m not going to lie, this is making me feel a bit uncomfortable.”

Actually, Tyler and Caroline are using Klaus’ surprise knowledge of Aramaic to translate the sword.  They immediately call Rebekah on the phone to share the intel with her, figuring she’s on Team Scooby, anyway, so why not.  But then Klaus drops a not particularly surprising, because we all pretty much knew this from the beginning bombshell on them, which makes them wish they used cell phone minutes a bit more wisely.  As it turns out, there’s only enough vampire cure for ONE PERSON!

Oh no!  If Vampire Klaus Barbie gets to the cure first, the Scooby Gang won’t be able to use it to .  . . SAVE ELENA!  Oh the humanity!

“I don’t know why I’m crying.  I’m not even on this show.”

So, I guess now, in the words of the Three Musketeers,  it’s all for one, and one for .  . . ONE?

Meanwhile, back on Lost Island . . .

Stefan and Elena – Friends Forever . . . Literally

Source

Stefan and Elena share a nice platonic moment, during which Stefan admits that he still wants to grow old and eventually croak, even if that means never being able to insert his 160 + year old weiner (which might very well become instantly wrinkly, once he gets the cure) into Elena ever again.  Watching from afar, Rebekah doesn’t find this moment all that platonic . . .

Poor Beks . . . she’s always a bridesmaid.  (But hey, at least she’s the bridesmaid that ends up getting laid in the coat closet at the wedding reception!)

With her new knowledge about The Cure in tow, Rebekah cleverly separates Elena from Stefan, so that she can reveal to the latter her deep dark secret about  The Cure’s limitations.  She then asks Stefan if he’s going to end up giving the darn thing to Elena, anyway.  He can’t deny it, so she breaks his neck.  Ahhhh, young love . . . or, perhaps, I should say really, really, really  old love!

And just like that, another temporary death has rocked Mystic Falls.

Later, Elena comes to Stefan’s temporary death rescue, at which time he breaks for her the bad news about The Cure.  Elena’s response to this news is arguably more surprising than anything else that happens during the episode . . .

Source

WOAH!  Look who’s gone and become all self-aware on us!

All sarcasm aside, I was kind of proud of Elena, in this moment.  In past seasons, Elena has always been treated by the rest of the cast (except, maybe Rebekah) as a Delicate Flower, because she was a young fragile human, in a world of Old Dangerous Vampires, Werewolves, Witches and Whatevers.

“And what am I, chopped liver?”

But now, Elena is a vampire, who has committed murder.

She has no greater claim on her humanity / right to The Cure than any other life-loving vampire on this show.  And the fact that she understands that, and is willing to own up to it, makes me a lot more sympathetic to her character, than I have been in recent episodes . . .

In fact, Elena gets over the fact that she’s probably going to be a vampire for the rest of eternity, a lot quicker than one might suspect.  Instantly, she’s rushing toward the cave, dragging Stefan in tow, so that the pair can obtain the cure, and use it ON KLAUS!

“Not before I get my spinoff, b*tches!”

Things we do for love .  . .

Source

Also in the cave, Damon refuses to continue to be dragged around as Vaughn’s vampire puppy dog.

“I’ll let you off your leash, once you lift your leg and pee on the tree!”

Like the rest of the crew, thanks to Vaughn, he has also been blessed (or cursed, depending on the way you see things) with the knowledge that there is only one cure.  And while Vaughn’s idea to use the cure on SILAS, thereby preventing an impending apocalypse, even if it means all vampires shall STAY vampires for eternity, definitely seems like the better deal for Damon . . .

 . . . he’s still willing to risk all that, if it means making the woman he loves happy.  (Little does Damon know, Elena is TOTALLY willing to forgo the cure, if it means continuing to bone him for the rest of time, without Klaus constantly on their tail.)  So, Damon makes a move to beat the crap out of Vaughn, along with some help from a surprising source . . .

Source

Rebekah!

So what if they both end up totally getting their asses handed to them, by a mere HUMAN guest star, and end up passed out next to one another on the floor . . .

Source

It’s the thought that counts, right!

Later, when Stefan and Elena come to Damon’s rescue, he agrees to bow out gracefully, and let Stefan keep the proverbial Hero Hat that fits his slightly large head so well.  Damon doesn’t really want Elena to have the cure, because he fears it will be the end of their relationship.  But he’s not going to inadvertently stand in the way of her obtaining it either . . .

Further up in the cave, Elena encounters a familiar face . . . one that has no trouble whatsoever kicking her BUTT!

“This  is sooooo not my episode!  I’m calling my agent.”

Golly gee!  I wonder who it could be?

It’s the CIRCLE OF LIFE and tattoo removal

Over in Nosebleed Bonnie land, Shane finds a Perfect Circle, and positively no one’s everyone’s favorite witch uses the shape as an excuse to fondle Jer Bear’s naked body, once again.  (Honestly, can you blame her?)

JerBear: “But Bonnie, I thought you loved me for my mind?”

Bonnie: “Shut up and take off your pants, I have Very Important Witchy Work  to do!”

JerBear: “But the tattoo is only on my chest.”

Bonnie: *whistles awkwardly*

Bonnie: “Wow, I can feel your tattoo moving and growing.  The magic must be working.”

Jer Bear: *whistles awkwardly*

Bonnie must have really strong hands!  All it takes is a few fondles, and Jer Bear’s tattoo’s disappear, like he’s just had the Best Laser Treatment EVER!

“Thanks for the free tattoo removal.  You know, I also have this freckle on my left butt cheek that I never much cared for.  Do you think you could take that off too?”

Elsewhere, Vaughn’s tattoos disappear as well.  Unfortunately, no one had the foresight to take off HIS shirt, or this could have REALLY been a party!

“This is total crap.  I’m calling my agent too!”

Knowing what a total unapologetic perv I am, I suspect a lot of you assumed that my favorite part of this episode was that the mere fact of Bonnie touching JerBear’s Man Parts caused an honest-to-goodness avalanche in the Silas Cave . . .

But that’s not true at all!  My actual favorite part of the episode came a little later, when that same avalanche ended up paralyzing Professor Dumpy Dork, and the rest of the Scooby Gang left him to ROT!

Now THAT was awesome!  Honestly, they should have done that about five episodes ago!

But then, JerBear has to go and ruin all that awesomeness, by putting his shirt back on.  LAME!

“I’m sorry!  My nipples got cold, OK?”

Welcome back, Zombie Granny!

Bonnie knows she’s getting closer to Silas’ coffin when her Ghost Granny, who is suddenly sporting a SERIOUS case of the Crazy Eyes, pops up out of no where, and tells her that she should feed her blood to the rotted dead corpse . . .

“Hi sweetie!  Go kill yourself, OK?  Grandma knows best!”

Fortunately, JerBear, who’s seen more dead people in his lifetime than that kid from The Sixth Sense . . .

 . . . knows that Zombie Grams is nothing more than a figment of Bonnie’s Silas-controlled imagination.  He knows some sense into Bon-Bon, just in time for her to get stabbed in the back by that pesky Vampire Hunter Vaughn.

The Long(ish) Goodbye

With Bonnie out of commission, Klaus has earned his Get Out of Box Free Card, and can no return to the important work of Terrorizing the Cast of The Vampire Diaries Until His Spinoff Begins . . .

Not wanting Klaus to kill her boyfriend again, or chase him out of town for the 85,000th time, Caroline appeals to the Original Vampire’s “softer side,” by admitting to him that, like him, she too prefers her fangy, eternally youthful self, to the shallow, self-absorbed human brat she was back in Season 1 . . .

   . . . at least not anymore . . .

In return for this heartfelt admission, Klaus agrees to let Tyler take another multi-episode hiatus, before he goes and tries to kill him again.

Caroline: “Does this mean that Tyler gets a spinoff too?  It could be called Hungry Like a Hybrid?”

Klaus: “Don’t push your luck.”

Outside on the porch, Caroline and Tyler share a tearful, sweet, and possibly, but probably not, permanent, goodbye. . .

Tyler: “See you next season?”

Caroline: “Absolutely . . . well . . . unless the writers have given me another love interest by then, in which case, nice knowing ya . . .”

The on again, off-again couple genuinely promise to attempt to live full and happy lives without one another.  And I swear I’m not crying, it’s just raining on my face . . . or I’m chopping onions .  . . or something . . .

The Selfless Salvatore

Speaking of touching, Rebekah and Damon share a surprisingly genuine moment, during which Rebekah expresses her admiration for Damon’s selflessness, with regard to Elena and the cure.

 

I really do like Rebekah, and think it’s about time she gets herself a hookup that isn’t Elena’s sloppy seconds.  Anyone else agree?

Surprise!

Further down in the cave, we FINALLY get our first glimpse of the ever elusive SILAS . . .

 

And I hate to say this, but he kind of looks like Mikael . . . you know   . . . that OTHER big scary vampire type, who started off entombed, until he fed on one of the cast members, and then awoke, only to die about two episodes later . . .

 

Deja-vu?

If you recall, it was actually the unlucky Kat, who received the honors of being Mikael’s first meal, which is fitting, when you think about it, because . . . well . . . I’ll get to that in a bit.

So, Vampire Hunter Vaughn is fighting with Vampire Hunter Jer Bear, when “Elena” makes a surprise appearance, and rescues her brother from certain death . . .

JerBear’s first hint that “Elena” isn’t quite herself, is when he has to REMIND her not to KILL Vaughn, and risk being saddled with that pesky Vampire Hunter Murderer curse again.  His second hint, is when she refuses to help paralyzed Bonnie, which I think is just good sense.  That witch is a pain in thee ass!

 

But alas, JerBear figures out a bit too late that the vampiric female, who came to his rescue is not his sister at all, but . . . wait for it . . . KATHERINE PIERCE . . .

 

 

Annnd . . . then she feeds JerBear to Silas, who breaks his neck, and leaves him lying dead on the floor.  (So much for avoiding that Hunter Killer Curse, Katherine!)

 

 

Source

So, is Mystic Falls’ Shirtless Wonder REALLY dead?  Or just FAKE DEAD . . . like all those other times?

It’s hard to tell at this point.  And this makes it difficult for me, as a viewer, to have a genuine emotional response to a loss which, if it actually sticks, will be a pretty major blow to the Mystic Falls Community, on multiple levels . . .

(I’ll miss those ARMS, that’s for sure!)

The promos certainly want us to believe that JerBear is gone for good.

But IS he?

Only time . .  . and next week’s episode will tell . . .  See ya then, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]