The Devil went down to Panchitos
He was looking for a beverage to spike.
He was in a bind, because Blair’s so refined.
But her nuptials, he did not like . . .
So, when Blair emerged for some fresh air, he gently whispered in her ear.
“That cop’s really a stripper, so give him your reefer, and, maybe offer him your brassiere.”
Greetings Upper East Siders! This week on Gossip Girl I got to witness some things I never EVER thought I would see . . . (1) Blair Waldorf fist pumping . . . (2) Chuck Bass going to church
for reasons other than his own inevitable wedding to Blair . . .(3) Serena van der Woodsen becoming a “talented writer” . . . and (4) Nate Archibald outsmarting someone.
I must admit, I’m a bit worried. These events might very well signify the Four Non Judging Breakfast Club of the Apocalypse. What’s next? Louis-bot and Donut Dan joining a Book Club, together?
Uh oh! I might as well bend over and kiss my ass goodbye! But, before I do that, let’s review. Shall we?
Unholy Alliances . . .
When the episode begins, bromantic buddies Nate and Chuck are drowning their sorrows in their breakfast of choice: espresso and tears. (Of course, Chuck puts some scotch in his.) Nate can’t figure out who on earth would hate him enough to want him dead. And yet, I could immediately think of about three or four psycho ex-girlfriends of his, who might fit the bill.
As for Chuck, he’s been keeping himself busy by stalking Blair, and paying others to do it for him, when he can’t.
“Peekaboo! (I see YOU!)”
His faithful companion Monkey was noticeably absent thoughout the episode. I choose to believe that this is because the adorable mutt has taken a Puppy Lover. Talk about adding insult to injury! Even Chuck’s dog is getting more tail lately, than him . . .
Though there have been some exceptions that neither Chuck, nor Monkey seem particularly willing to talk about . . .
Speaking of tail, Nate admits to Chuck that he is uncomfortable allying himself with the Eeeeevilll Gossip Girl, in order to get information about the cause of Chuck’s and Blair’s accident. To this, Chuck responds, “Meh! Do it. She’s got a sexy voice. And knowing your track record, she’ll probably end up being your next guest star girlfriend . . . Ooh, gotta go. Blair’s taking her royal morning pee in five minutes, and I don’t want to miss it.”
Persuaded, Nate immediately contacts Gossip Girl, to see if she might be interested in XOXO-ing with him, in the near future . . . She agrees.
Also bonding over morning cups of over-priced cappuccino are Dan and Serena . . .
“Kiss me, you Donut!”
So this is what they decided to do, in order to make it look like they’re dating? Walk around Manhattan with Starbucks cups in their hands at 8:45, in the morning. That might work if they’re pretending to be a 75-year old retired couple. But if Serena really wants to look like she’s dating Donut Dan, she should try stumbling out of his Brooklyn apartment at a quarter after 11, wearing last night’s clothes, and a serious case of sex hair . . .
Then again, aside from that one time when he engaged in a threesome, Humpty Humphrey never quite struck me as the “randy” type. So, perhaps this “date” is more suitable to his style
or lack thereof.
Date or no date, Serena is all over Dan like those ugly flannels he wears all the time. She’s clutching his arm, leaning into his chest, sniffing his Ode de Donut cologne, and cooing kittenishly about how their “fake date doesn’t seem so fake to her.” She briefly tells Dan about an article she’s writing for the Spectator Blog about . . . SURPRISE . . . her relationship with him. Serena might as well be dropping a ten-ton brick on Dan’s head that says, “I want to bone you, for real.”
“Why must you insist on looking me in the eye, when I clearly want you to look lower?”
But alas, the Donut is entirely clueless. And here I thought novelists were supposed to be insightful . . .
At another breakfast table on the Upper East Side, Blair is breaking bread with Louis-bot’s sister, Beatrice-bot.
“Tell me Beatrice-bot, how exactly do robots become siblings? Do they just have to be made in the same factory, or is there some requirement that they have interchangeable parts?”
Blair used to
rightly think Beatrice-bot was a social climbing sociopath. But ever since she became engaged to the Cyborg, the portion of her brain labeled “common sense” seems to have shut down entirely. So now, Blair thinks Beatrice-bot is just a doll (which being a robot, and all, she kind of is . . . )! And, since the hasty departure of Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena has left an opening in her Bridal Party, she even goes as far as to invite Beatrice to be her bridesmaid.
Somewhere in another dimension, Season 1 Blair Waldorf is rolling her eyes at the idiocy of her future self . . .
Beatrice-bot really plays up her other
species worldliness, by fussing over how exciting it will be to attend a REAL American Bachelorette Debauchery Extravaganza. (Why? What exactly do girls do in Monaco to celebrate their impending nuptials? Eat croissants and snarl at people, who are passing by?)
“Don’t knock eeyt, until you’ve tried eeyt.”
Unfortunately, Blair explains to Beatrice-bot that Serena has planned a “tasteful” Bachelorette Party in her honor. And by tasteful, I mean “dreadfully boring.”
Forgive me if I find this a bit unbelievable. When has Serena van der Woodsen ever done anything “tasteful?” How soon we forget that this is the girl who spent most of her early high school years drunk, and once got blissfully coked-out in a hotel room with Georgina Sparks, while some junkie OD’d, just inches away from her.
But hey, I guess people can change . . . and, even if they can’t, television writers can pretend that they do . . .
Let your conscience be your guide (if you still have one . . .)
In the confessional, Blair admits to having dirty dreams about Chuck. (Dammit, the one time I actually would WANT to see a dream sequence from Blair. And we get nada . . . squat . . . bupkiss. The GG writers are such shameless teases! Blair describes Chuck as the “Devil on her Shoulder.” But I suspect in her dreams that ‘devil” resides on another part of her body, entirely . . .
Not one to waste time, even while making confession, Blair helpfully tells her priest that she wishes to keep him around as her spiritual advisor, as opposed to that slimeball priest who is currently acting as Louis-bot’s advisor. So, of course, absolutely none of us are surprised to learn that Blair was making her confessions to that very same slimeball. No explanation was given as to what happened to Blair’s usual priest, that he wasn’t available to provide her with spiritual guidance, during this important time. My theory? Slimeball Priest ate him . . .
“Tastes just like Heaven . . .”
Anywhoo . . . apparently, Slimeball Priest and Beatrice-bot are plotting to stop the Blouis-bot wedding, by getting Blair wasted, and reuniting her with Chuck . . .
Oh . . . wait . . . you mean I’m NOT supposed to be rooting for the Devil in Priest’s Clothing and his Android Girlfriend? Talk about a spiritual crisis . . .
We know that Beatrice-bot wants to do this, so that she might become Queen, one day. But Slimeball Priest’s motives are a bit more murky. He claims he’s going to “lose his job,” because Blair is bringing her own Personal Pocket Priest to Monaco. What . . . Monaco is only allowed to have one Priest inside its borders at a time? Even if Slimeball Priest isn’t Blair’s spiritual advisor, wouldn’t he still be Louis-bot’s (assuming robots actually go to Church)?
There’s nothing like a good old-fashioned takedown . . .
Delivering on her promise to help Nate find out who tried to kill him, Gossip Girl texts him a picture of Max McPoorPerson taken at the time of the accident . . .
Seriously, are ALL guest stars on this show evil?
Nate immediately rushes to tell his boy toy, Chuck about this. Good ole Chuck, despite all the anguish in his personal life, he is willing to take time out of his busy schedule of Blair-stalking, and helping old people across the street to research this nefarious non-New Yorker . . .
See, Blair? Chuck’s still a REALLY good guy. You should totally dump the Bot, and go back to boning him . . . (You know you want to . . .)
In return for her services, Gossip Girl has a favor to ask of Nate. I bet you can guess what that favor is . . .
Oh, that’s cold! Taking down Serena’s site, and not telling her about it until after she’s made a total ASS of herself in front of about twenty reporters. That’s at least $50 in the Douchebag Jar for you, Nate!
On second thought, make that $5,000, because we all know how filthy rich you are . . .
(By the way, why are we suddenly talking about the “launch” of Serena’s blog, when, last week, they were referring to her as a Famous Blogger, who surpassed even Gossip Girl? Sometimes, I wonder whether the folks who write this show actually watch it . . .)
When Serena confronts Nate, wondering what the f*&k happened to her blog, he claims he took it down, as part of a “marketing strategy.” Nate, I’m sorry. I like you, and all. But you wouldn’t know a “marketing strategy,” if it bit you in the nipple . . .
Shameless of me . . . I know.
Donut Dan clearly bathed in pheremones this morning. Because, minutes later, we find him strolling down the street with yet another woman who wants to inject herself into him, like jelly filling. I mean, why else would she possibly support Dan’s ridiculous idea to write a WESTERN novel. Humpty Humphrey, I hate to break it to you, but riding the F train from Brooklyn to Manhattan doesn’t make you a cowboy . . .
“Oh Donut, you can lasso me, anytime . . .”
In other opportunistic news, Dan’s agent thinks it would be “better for his
sexlife career,” if he stopped screwing associating himself with and/or fake dating Serena. Riiiiight . . . and that helpful advice wouldn’t have anything to do with the fact that you’re trying to free up space in the Donut’s pants for yourself, now would it, Alessandra?
“When did I become such a stud?”
Fortunately for Alessandra, Dan’s humongously inflated sense of self worth, enables him to eat every morsel of horse crap she shovels into his mouth. And so he calls Serena to engage in the most Awkward Conversation Ever . . .
“Heyyyyyy . . . Serena. So, remember that article you wrote about our relationship . . . and how great it is . . . because we can always be TOTALLY honest with one another, even if things that one of us says might hurt the other one’s feelings?”
“Oh, you mean the one where I declared my undying devotion to you, and vowed to love you forever and ever, and debase myself in the most pathetic ways possible to show you that love . . . even though we’re sort of kind of related . . . and lately, I’ve seen you look at cheese with more passion than you look at me . . .”
“Yeah that’s the one. Listen, could you . . . like . . . not publish that. It’s not that I don’t totally appreciate your undying devotion and all. It’s just that I don’t want to be associated with you and your writing, because my readers don’t find you particularly intelligent. And boning you would lower my credibility as a writer. It would be like the New Yorker having sex with the National Enquirer. Also, it’s kind of preventing me from having sex with other women, which, for the first time in my life, I actually seem to have multiple opportunities to do.”
“Sure, honey. No problem. I’ll take that column down, right away. Listen, I’d love to sit and chat with you, but I have an oven I’d very much like to stick my head inside, right now. Toodles!”
(To add insult to injury, throughout this conversation, Serena was wearing an outfit I distinctly remember Betty White wearing on a rerun of The Golden Girls, I watched on Nick at Nite . . .)
Meanwhile, Blair finds herself doing what she always does, whenever she’s sexually frustrated from a lack of Chuck . . . eating lots, and lots, of chewy, CHUCK-Y macaroons . . .
“Mmmm . . . these chuck . . . er . . . I mean . . . macaroons are delicious.”
So, of course, it’s fitting that the inspiration for Blair’s macaroon craving arrives, just moments later . . .
As sexy as Chuck looked in this scene, and as sexually tense as his moment with Blair was, during it. I think Chuck actually made a bit of a boo-boo here. By telling Blair exactly where she planned to be, at each stage of her bachelorette party, Chuck pretty much demanded that Blair change her plans at the last minute
(basically, because she can’t bare being so close to him for any extended period of time, without ripping his clothes off and ravaging him). And, of course, as we know, this was exactly what Beatrice-bot and Slimeball Priest wanted . . .
“Hold me back, Beatrice-bot, or I swear I’ll hump him . . .”
If I was Chuck, I’d probably just lie and tell Blair I WAS looking to purchase a pink velour tracksuit. They’re very comfy, you know . . .
Meanwhile, back at the Spectator, Serena takes it upon herself to plop down at Nate’s computer, which, of course, is not password protected . . . genius that he is. So, of course, she immediately finds those tell-tale e-mails from Gossip Girl that are as helpfully labeled as can be . . . (You would think someone who valued her anonymity as much as Gossip Girl would know enough to use code words, or something.)
“Golly gee, I wonder what ‘In return for Serena’s article’ means. Darn Gossip Girl! Always so cryptic!”
As has become habit on this show, Serena takes it upon herself to publish something on the Spectator that Nate doesn’t want published. We’ve seen this now three times, already. The security at the New York Spectator is so lax, I’m surprised I’m surprised the homeless guys outside haven’t jogged in and stolen all the computers, by now. I also love how Nate’s trusty assistant SEES her do this, but doesn’t try to take the post down (which, considering it’s a blog, should be as easy as clicking the “Move to Trash” button).
In Trusty Assistant’s defense, perhaps, she couldn’t get to the computer, as a result of the massive poisonous snake-like object dangling from her neck. Seriously, that thing must weigh at least half her body weight . . .
Over at Dan’s Book Meeting, his “Western” idea, gets shot down faster than you can say “Quick Draw McDonut.” So, does his “Book of the Future” idea.
“OK. . . so it’s like Hunger Games meets Mean Girls meets Star Wars, and I’m like Hans Solo / Katniss, and Blair is a cross between Princess Leia and Regina George. And, in the end, we have glorious intergalactic sex on an obscure planet called Humphreyon.”
“So, basically, it’s an alternate universe Dair fanfiction . . .”
Basically, the book sellers want Dan to write Inside 2: Electric Boogaloo, about his newfound relationship with Serena. You know since, as of five minutes ago, when Serena published her article about the GREAT AND LIFE-ALTERING love of Dan Humphrey, she’s like totally the most popular blogger ever . . . again.
You know what that means? Darena fanfiction. So suck it, Alessandra . . .
“Can I at least play Serena, in the movie version? I’d totally be willing to dye my hair blond, and not brush it for a few weeks . . .”
Back at the Spectator, Nate puts on his Big Boy Pants and tells Serena she’s “fired.”
Then, the pair fight a bit about how, by screwing Serena, Nate found out from Gossip Girl that his own cousin (and one of Serena’s many ex-lovers) Tripp was the one who tried to murder him. Serena defends the honor of the man she’s once known in the biblical sense (even though she’s known Nate . . . and most of Manhattan, that way too). But when she leaves, Trusty Assistant sends a video of the firing to Gossip Girl. I smell a SCHEME!
I must admit, I was super disappointed about how ridiculously quickly and carelessly, they wrapped up the plot about how SOMEONE ALMOST KILLED CHUCK BASS, and ACTUALLY KILLED BLAIR’S BABY!
Look, I get the fact that we all knew it was Tripp trying to sabotage Nate, from the outset. So, the reveal was going to be anti-climactic, no matter what. But the way Trippster just blurted out a five-minute long (complete with cheesy flashbacks) monologue confession of his crimes, the minute he was ambushed by Serena, Nate and Grandpoppy was so completely ridiculous, it was almost laughable.
Even the actors look bored by this scene . . .
Why bother telling everyone that YOU were the one who cut the brakes. Tripp? Why not just let Max continue to take the blame for that part, of this whole disaster? It was his idea, and he did take your money, after all . . .
Tripp trips up . . . and gets trapped.
Let’s put aside for a second the fact that we’re supposed to believe that CONGRESSMAN would sabotage his cousin’s car . . . putting his entire career and freedom at risk . . . because he was jealous that the latter got invited to a party that he didn’t. He claims he “didn’t think it would be that bad.” What exactly does this guy think happens when you cut someone’s breaks. The car does a little dance, pops a wheely, and goes right back to normal?
I guess we are supposed to be happy at the end, that Tripp’s probably going to go to jail (It seems like a family trait for those Archibalds.), his wife is leaving him (another family trait), and his career is pretty much in the toilet (And, we’re three for three.). But NONE of these things are going to bring back Blair’s baby. Oh, and did I mention that Tripp is responsible for breaking up CHAIR?
Now, I’m generally not an advocate for the death penalty, but I would be willing to make an exception here . . .
“I’d rip out your heart, Tripp, if you had one . . .”
Oh, and I guess Nate finally stood up to his Grandpoppy, or something . . . So, um, yay for that . . . I guess? Elsewhere, Slimeball Priest stops by Chuck’s house to give him directions to Blair’s NEW Jersey Shore cast-approved Bachelorette Party. It’s interesting how GG was so very religious, last week. And, this week, is giving us the worst representation of Catholicism, EVER. In fact, if I was much more religous than I am, I’d probably find this a bit offensive . . .
Jesus would like to remind all Upper East Siders that not all priests are cut from the same cloth . . .
Then again, all this Priest’s talk about “Divine Intervention” actually makes a pretty good argument as to why the Lord ships Chair . . .
Of course, he’d have a lot more credibility saying this, if he WASN’T, going against his vows, by hooking up with Beatrice-bot . . .
Getting Jiggy with Queen B . . .
In what was, hands down, my favorite part of the episode, Blair attends her bachelorette party at Panchitos, and proceeds to get rip-roaring wasted, thanks to a cleverly fixed drinking game, courtesy of Beatrice Bot.
The game involved naughty acts of Blair’s exes. And the only one I distinctly remember was something about Carter Baizzen wearing women’s underwear . . . Still, it was pretty awesome.
You know who else is awesome? Drunk Blair! I don’t think I’ve seen her have this much fun, since she stripped for Chuck, and made sweet, sweet love to him for the very first time, in the limo, back in season 1 . . .
Sober Blair is prim, proper, and often calculating. Drunk Blair is bubbly, happy, carefree, and VERY friendly . . . she’s also a surprisingly good dancer . . .
You could tell Leighton Meester had a lot of fun exercising her comedy muscle, and displaying this rarely seen side of Blair. Part of me wishes Chuck was inside to see it to. Something tells me he would have enjoyed it . . . a lot . . .
You know who else would have enjoyed Drunk Blair? Serena . . . if she actually SHOWED UP! FRIEND FAIL!
Sure, ditch me for Grandpa Archibald, and the psycho serial killer Congressman. See, if I care?
Had Serena been at the party, she might have prevented Blair from making this drunken confession to Beatrice-bot . . .
Interestingly enough, I think it was Blair’s confession of her star-crossed love for Chuck to Beatrice-bot that actually convinced her NOT to try and sabotage her wedding (BOO). After all, as Blair so astutely reminded Beatrice-bot, these two actually have a lot in common: forbidden loves, daddy issues, scheming psyches . . . a love of macaroons. Best friendships have been built on way less . . .
Speaking of lovers and friends, when Blair finally leaves the bar, her lover (Chuck) and her friend (Dan) are waiting for her. But she doesn’t notice either of them, because she’s too busy getting arrested for handling a joint, someone just happened to toss her way, and fondling a police officer (appropriately named “Weiner”), who just happened to try and take it from her. Oops!
Anti-Blouis fans (including Chuck, Dan, Beatrice-bot, Slimeball priest, and 99.99% of the world couldn’t have planned it better) if they tried! After all, what Prince would marry a “drug addict?”
“Robots don’t do drugs. It causes them to prematurely rust.”
Surprisingly enough, given all that, Blair seemed to have luck (and friends) on her side. Moments after she landed in jail, Serena finally dragged her ass away from Golden Girls reruns to bail her out. And Blair was too drunk to even be pissed off about it . . .
Even more surprising was the fact that Beatrice-bot actually purchased all the cameras off bar patrons who photographed Blair, so that news of her cop humping, and ganja smoking antics wouldn’t get out?
Well, except for the fact that her cop humping and ganja smoking antics were probably uploaded to YouTube and Facebook by at least ten people about five seconds after it happened . . .
And Blair lived happily ever after . . . well . . . except for a massive hangover . . .
. . . and the fact that she’s still marrying a lame ass cyborg . . .
“Please, S. Make this nightmare end . . .
I was having such good sex dreams about Chuck. And then you had to go and wake me up to my REAL life.”
Becoming the villain . . .
Speaking of Chuck, he came to visit Blair at her home the night of the Bachelorette Party. But she was too wasted
and busy having sex dreams about him to come to the door . . . He did vow to keep fighting for her, though . . .
. . . even if that means forming a VERY unholy alliance with the same Slimeball Priest, who, apparently, got his supposed lover Beatrice-bot shipped off to a missionary in Africa, when he heard she wasn’t going to scheme with him against Blair anymore . . . (Nice guy, right?) Does it make me a terrible person, that, as awful as Slimeball Priest is, I STILL hope he will succeed in helping Chuck stop this travesty of a wedding?
Oh well . . . You can’t be good all the time, right?
Speaking of no good, even though Blair explicitly told Serena that she didn’t have to pretend to date Dan, anymore, Serena lied to Dan, and said that they DID, just to give her a better chance at getting in his pants. It’s kind of pathetic, I’m not going to lie . . .
I’m starting to think that this guy has hypnotic powers. He probably hides them in his hair . . .
Why is Blair suddenly OK with Serena not fake dating, Dan, you ask?
(Because that whole Serena fake dating Dan thing was a stupid idea to begin with). Because she and Louis-bot are in a “good place.” And why are they in a “good place.” Because Louis-bot apparently wrote Blair some REALLY good vows.
Oh, I’m sorry . . . did I say Louis-bot wrote some really great vows? I meant DAN wrote them . . .
(It’s important to note that Louis-bot chose to insert his little thank you note in a copy of Camus’ “The Stranger,” a book about a guy who lacks emotion and a personality, so he kills someone, more or less, in an effort to FEEL something. Hmmm . . . no emotions . . . no personality . .. Sound like anyone we know?)
Next week’s 100th episode of Gossip Girl, entitled GG promises a wedding . . . maybe . . .
. . . a Chuck Bass intervention . . .
. . . and, of course, the return of the deliciously evil, Georgina Sparks . . .
You can check out the promo for the episode here:
Until then, XOXO!