Let’s Have Some Fun with The Vampire Diaries’ Promotional Posters!

Aside from being an amazing show, with stellar writing, and a talented, not to mention, sublimely sexy, cast, The Vampire Diaries is also known for its INGENIOUS marketing strategies.  Every few months, the CW marketing department releases a few new fabulous posters to promote the show.  These posters tend to feature one or more of the cast members in a sexually suggestive pose, adorned by both the TVD logo, and a titillating tagline, which hints a bit at what’s to come on the show. 

Here are a few of my favorite promotional posters, from The Vampire Diaries’ recent past . . .

In honor of the upcoming mid-season premiere of The Vampire Diaries, the CW has released three NEW posters, one featuring each of the show’s three main characters.  The first poster was released around the time that the show’s mid-season finale, “By the Light of the Moon” aired.  Elena was the focus of that poster. 

Its tagline,  “Death is a sacrifice Elena is not willing to make,” was a not-so-subtle reference to the dangerous deal Elena made with Elijah, in order to release Stefan from the Underground Tomb, where he and Katherine were heretofore trapped.  (It also probably referred to “The Sacrifice,” the title of Season 2’s tenth episode.)

The second new promotional poster was released in early January 2011.  I’m pleased to report, that it featured my FAVORITE character, Damon Salvatore, in a mesmerizing EXTREME CLOSEUP! 

As for its tagline, “Look out Damon, your emotions are showing,” it refers to Damon’s increasing inability to “turn off his emotions,” particularly when it comes to the people he loves (Stefan and Elena), and the friends, who have helped him along the way.  Could these not-so-hidden emotions impact his relationship with Elena, in the upcoming episodes?  Will Damon’s “forgotten” declaration of love to his brother’s girlfriend, be “remembered,” once again?  (MAN, I HOPE SO!)

The third installment of this new poster series, features Stefan Salvatore.  According to interviews with Paul Wesley, himself, his tagline,  “There’s a reason he always gets the girl,” refers to Stefan’s nefarious, almost Damon-like past, and the one woman in it who deemed him capable of redemption. 

This can only mean two things, TVD fans: (1) more flashbacks to 1864; and (2) DARK STEFAN RETURNS!

But why must Elena, Damon, and Stefan be the only cast members of The Vampire Diaries to get their own promotional posters?  What about the rest of the cast?  Honestly, I think this is a travesty of justice!  For this reason, I have decided to create MY OWN posters for some of the OTHER residents of Mystic Falls . . .

Here’s one for our favorite Baby Werewolf, Tyler Lockwood . . .

Not creative enough for you?  Perhaps, this one will be more to your liking . . .

But what about Tyler’s new Gal Friday, Caroline?  Surely SHE deserves a poster too!

In fact, I don’t think one poster is enough for Caroline Forbes.  After all, Vampire Barbie isn’t just a character, she’s a commodity to be “played with” by fangirls (and adoring boys) EVERYWHERE!

Having already covered, Tyler and Caroline, I would be remiss not to create a poster for the third point of that aforementioned Love Triangle.  Of course, I’m referring to the Cute but Clueless, Matt Donovan . . .

Speaking of Clueless, what about Aunt Jenna?  Doesn’t SHE deserve some poster love too?

While we are on the subject of Jenna, what about her dashing History Teacher Turned Vampire Slayer Boyfriend, Alaric Saltzman?  Surely, Damon’s bromantic buddy, and favorite weapons enthusiast is worthy of a poster all his own.  Isn’t he?

Hmmm . . . I think I’m missing a new couple here . . . Oh, I KNOW!  It’s Mini Gilbert and Bonnie the Teenage Witch!

But enough about all these Good Guys, I need some VILLAIN posters!   Let’s start with the biggest villain of them all . . . ROSE!  (Hey, she interferes with my Delena Mother Ship!  That makes her a BIG BAD VILLAIN, OK?)

But, you know, there are villains I ACTUALLY LIKE on this show.  And one of them is Kickass Vampire Katherine.  Granted, unlike the other cast members for whom I’ve created posters, Katherine HAS already been featured in promotions before.  (See the poster featuring her and Stefan, above).  Nevertheless, this Tomb-Dwelling Femme Fatale has never had her OWN poster . . . until now . . .

(It’s a Full House reference . . . just in case you missed it.)

Another villain we all love to hate, is the mysterious OLD VAMP, Elijah.  He’s smart, intense, wryly humorous, and scary as ALL HELL!  So, I for one, think it’s high time, he got inducted into our TVD Poster Hall of Fame . . .

Well, that about does it for the villains, we KNOW.  But what about the ones we haven’t met yet . . .  You all know who I’m talking about, right?  I’ll give you a hint, he’s a vampire who’s name rhymes with “mouse.” 😉

So, there you have it.  Now ALL of the main cast members of The Vampire Diaries have their own promotional posters, just in time for mid-season premiere . . .

Well . . . almost everyone . . . 

Speaking of “The Descent,” I am proud to report that my blogging pals, Amy from Imaginary Men and Cherie from My Spidey Sense is Tingling, will be LIVE BLOGGING the entire episode!  Be sure to check back here, later this week (probably this Tuesday or Wednesday) to find out how YOU can join in with the fangirly festivities. 

See you then, my fellow FANGBANGERS!

[www.juliekushner.com]

Battle of the Bad Boy Vampires: Damon Salvatore (The Vampire Diaries) versus Eric Northman (True Blood)

Those of you who know me and/or have read this blog before, probably suspected that the time would come when I would write a post that pit my two favorite television vampires (both of whom are based on characters fromnovels) against one another . . .

But WAIT!  Before you stake me, or snap my neck like a twig, please know that this is REALLY not a competition, in the traditional sense of the term.  I merely aim to illustrate some similarities between these two extremely unique and dynamic fangsters . . .

(But, before I begin, I’d like to give a shout out to the Always Brilliant Amy, over at imaginarymen, who remains the reigning queen and founder of the TV Boyfriend Olympics.  Without her, this post would never have been written.  Additional thanks go out to the Fabulous Cherie, over at myspideysenseistingling, and the Remarkable Madeleine, both of whom have a depth of vampiric fangirl capacity that knows no bounds.)

Above all else, Viking Vampire, Eric Northman, and Fangy Rebel Without a Cause, Damon Salvatore, are both EXTREMELY SEXY!  In fact, they are unequivocally sexy, no matter what they happen to be doing, at any given moment.  Whether they are . . .

 .  . . preparing for war . . .

 . . . or lounging around in bed . . .

. . . or driving around in hot super expensive sports cars, with the top down . . .

 . . . or having a little “snack” . . .

 . . . or forgetting how to button their shirts . . .

 . . . or getting dressed up for a night on the town . . .

 . . . or breaking in their new leather jackets . . .

. . . or wearing certain BLUE PANTY DROPPER articles of clothing 😉 . . .

 . . . rest assured these immortal beings are going to be looking hot, while they are doing it.

And yet, being an INSANELY AWESOME Television Vampires isn’t just about looking good.  (That’s most of it . . . of course . . . but not all of it. ;)) To be truly insanely awesome, you’ve also got to have the personality to match the looks.    And for both Eric and Damon, a fun and snarky sense of humor functions as the perfect accessory to any item of clothing (or, no clothing at all, for that matter)!

Behold . . . the funny .  . .

(Don’t worry!  I’m not playing favorites, by using a longer video for Eric than for Damon.  I just take them, as I find them!)

So, now we’ve got a handle on their looks, and their respective senses of humor.  But if you want to learn what REALLY make Damon Salvatore and Eric Northman tick, you’ve really got to watch them in action.  What follows is a comparison study of fourteen (seven a piece) arguably similar Damon and Eric scenes from their respective shows .  . .

(Note: For clips that are non-embedded, just click the internal links for your viewing pleasure!)

Let’s BITE into it, shall we?

Romantic Manipulation

In the REAL WORLD, when you look like Ian Somerhalder or Alexander Skarsgard, NO fancy hypnotic magic, or blood bonds are necessary to ensure romance.  When you want to get laid . . . all you’ve got to do is ASK!  But in TV Land, virtually EVERYONE is beautiful, and girls can be (no offense to Elena and Sookie) kind of dense, sometimes.  For this reason, both of our Bad Boy Vamps, at least initially, used vampire magic to add a little OOMPH to their respective courtship rituals .  . . with varying results.

First up is Damon, and his attempt to mesmerize Elena — the number one object of his affections — to make out with him.  The “mesmerizing” part seems to work . . . (She’s not BLIND, after all!).  But the “making out” part . . . well . . . not so much.  Because what Damon doesn’t know is that Elena is wearing a vervain necklace, which makes her impervious to vampire mind control.  He gets an “A” for effort, though!

Eric Northman had slightly better luck with Sookie, when he tricked her into drinking his blood, thereby establishing a Blood Bond between the pair.  As a result of the Blood Bond, Sookie will have uncontrolled sexual dreams about Eric (I have those ALL THE TIME!).  He will also always be able to sense her feelings (like, when she’s horny, for example ;)), and instinctively know when she’s in danger (so he can rescue her).  Well played, Viking Vamp!

 

Dream Walking (a.k.a. Inception – Vampire Style)

So, by now, we’ve all probably seen, or at least heard about the film, Inception, and its erudite discussions about one’s ability to manipulate the dreams of another. 

In TVD world, vampires are capable of controlling other’s dreams, Inception style, as Damon does in this next clip.  (Hint: We know it was Damon making Elena’s dream, based on his creepy crow mascot hanging out by her bedroom window, near the end of the scene.  By the way, I’m SO GLAD the writers nixed that lame plot device!)

In True Blood, sexual vampire dreams tend to stem from the blood bonds between human and vampire.  Never do the writers of True Blood ever explicitly mention dream manipulation.  And yet, in this next clip, Sookie clearly KNOWS that she’s dreaming, and Eric does appear to be purposefully using the dream to send her an important message.  This particular dream scene may also give you a little sense of deja vu, when you watch a similar REAL LIFE (well . . . real TV life . . . at least) scene that takes place between the two characters, later on in this post.

(Note:  This is actually just one of THREE dreams Sookie has about Eric, and it’s not even the HOTTEST one.  I simply chose it to make a point about Damon and Eric both using Dream Manipulation Tactics on Sookie and Elena.  You can watch Sookie’s other dreams about Eric here.)

 

Murder By Seduction

Of course, Damon and Eric would never WILLINGLY hurt the women they love.  But they don’t seem to mind hurting others all that much . . .

In this next clip, Damon lures the unsuspecting Vicki Donovan into his lair, plies her with liquor, sexy dancing, and promises of genuine understanding and affection.  And then . . . well . . . I’ll just let you watch, and see for yourselves.

Though Damon’s motives for “murdering” Vicki Donovan were never made entirely clear, during the series, one suspects they had something to do with Damon wanting to wreak havoc on his little brother’s life.  (Damon promised to make Stefan’s life an unliving hell, after the latter coerced him into becoming a vampire, seemingly against his will).  Damon eventually “revived” Vicki from death, by turning her into a vampire, shortly after initially killing her.  Ironically enough, it was at the hands of STEFAN that Vicki met her True Death.

This picture SHOULDN’T be funny . . .  but it kind of is!

Likewise, Eric seduces and ultimately murders Vampire Talbot, to wreak havoc on Vampire King Russell Edgington’s life.  Eric seeks vengeance against Russell, for murdering his parents, centuries ago.  You see, Talbot is Russell’s “soulmate.”  Though, as you will clearly see in the next clip, vampires and monogamy don’t exactly mix . . .

(Note:  This clip is DIRTY with a capital “D.”  Parental discretion is advised, KIDDIES!  Don’t say I didn’t warn you!)

 

Hot Bod Taunting

“When you’ve got it, flaunt it!”  These are words to live by . . . even if you’re undead!  And Damon and Eric have NO qualms about displaying their “wares” to the women they love, in order to show them EXACTLY what they are missing . . .

In this next scene, Damon might be drunk, but he’s NO dummy!  He knows that, once Elena gets close enough to him to button up his strategically opened shirt, she will get a peek at those abs, a whiff of that vampire man musk, and be his forever.  Even if she doesn’t know it yet . . .

As for Eric, he takes Hot Bod Taunting to a whole other level!  Unlike Damon, who tactfully alludes to the fact that he’s a Lion in the Sack, Eric wears his HOURS and HOURS of nonstop Sexual Conquesting like a badge of honor . . . one located right below his belly button . . .

 

Vulnerability Due to Loss of “Maker”

Damon may be head over heels in love with Elena now, but for about 140 years, he loved her doppelganger Katherine, the woman who initially turned him into a vampire.  Damon loved Katherine so much, in fact that he risked everything to “rescue” her from the tomb in which he thought she was buried undead.  So, when the tomb was opened, and Katherine was still nowhere to be found, Damon was heartbroken.  It was the first time in the series, where we really saw this tough-as-nails vampire break down emotionally.  And when he needed a shoulder to cry on, Elena’s was the first one he sought . . .

Unlike Damon, Eric may have never done the horizontal mambo with his maker, Godric (at least, not that we know of).  But he did love him, in the way that a father loves his son.  And when Godric “met the sun” (i.e. committed suicide by burning to death) Eric felt completely lost.  For the first time in the series, the Viking Vamp cried tears of blood.  Eric was inconsolate over the True Death of Godric.  Without Sookie there to support him, who knows what self-destructive acts he might have committed?

Romantic Gestures with BITE!

Who said bloodsuckers couldn’t be romantic?  Let’s face it! When guys have been on this earth for as long as Damon and Eric have been, they KNOW when they are in love.  And they are NOT afraid to show it.

In the episode Rose, Damon has just rescued Elena from an Evil Old Vampire who kidnapped her.  He also retrieved from said Evil Old Vampire her precious vervain necklace, which protects her from vampiric compulsion.  When Damon visits to Elena’s home to return the necklace, he decides that this is the perfect moment to let Elena know exactly how he feels about her. 

Sounds simple, right?  It isn’t . . . Because Damon knows better than anyone, that True Love sometimes requires us to make the most painful of sacrifices.

Eric Northman knows a thing or two about sacrifices, himself!  After all, he’s willing to DIE the True Death, in order to rid the world of the PURE EVIL that is Russell Edgington.   When you are about to die, the things that are most important to you, suddenly become crystal clear.  And nothing else matters. 

Remember when I showed you that Dream Scene between Sookie and Eric?  Well . . . IT’S BACK . . . for real, this time!

Rescuing the Woman He Loves . . . For Her OWN GOOD . . . Whether She Wants It Or NOT!

As a member of the fairer sex, I can admit, that us ladies can be pretty stubborn when we want to be — especially when we feel strong enough about something, that we are willing to fight to the death for it.  And while, most of the time, we are ABSOLUTELY right . . . there are sometimes (very rarely, of course ;)) when we are wrong.  Enter the Hot Vampires with Hero Complexes to rescue us . . . even if they have to drag us away, kicking and screaming, in order to do it . . .

In this next clip, Elena has set off on a Suicide Mission.  She plans to turn herself over to an EVIL HOMICIDAL VAMPIRE, in order to save the lives of the people she loves.  But Damon loves HER . . . and he’s not having it . . . AT ALL!

Like Elena Gilbert, Sookie Stackhouse always seems to be throwing herself into harms way.  But she doesn’t have to go far from home to find trouble.  It usually just knocks on the door, and comes right in!  In this particular instance, Sookie is unwittingly being stalked by some Killer Werewolves.  It’s a good thing her Friendly Neighborhood Vampire  is available to help her in her time of need (even if she would rather talk about Boring Vampire Beeeel, than do important things . . . like NOT GET EATEN)!

So, there you have it: seven situations and fourteen sexy scenes to compare and contrast.  Not bad, for a pair of undead bloodsuckers, right?

[www.juliekushner.com]

GO IAN! It’s your birthday! – A (Small) Tribute to Ian Somerhalder on his 32nd Birthday

It’s Ian Somerhalder’s birthday.  So let’s CELEBRATE!  First, change into something a little more comfortable . . .

Make sure you’ve got your favorite tunes playing . . .

You are DEFINITELY going to want to DANCE!

Pour yourself a drink . . . or twenty!

And don’t worry about those pesky calories.  INDULGE YOURSELF!

Put your feet up, and relax . . .

And don’t forget to pucker up for those birthday kisses!

Who knows?  You may even end up getting LAID!

You may have noticed that I spend a lot of time on this blog going on (and on . . . and on) about Ian Somerhalder – the actor.  I’ll write posts about the various roles he’s played, throughout his career, or his acting techniques, or the deft with which he’s established himself as a complex and intriguing male romantic lead.  Yet, through all of this, I very rarely take the opportunity to talk about Ian Somerhalder – The Man. 

Well, now “The Man” has just turned 32.  So, what better time than NOW, to peek into Ian Somerhalder’s life:  where he has been, and, perhaps, even more importantly, where is he GOING . . .

Ian Somerhalder was born December 8, 1978 in Covington, Louisianna.  His gregarious nature, and natural good looks led him to begin a career in modeling at a very early age . . .

But, at the age of 17, Ian found himself craving something more.  And so, he began to pursue a career in acting.

Though Ian made a name for himself playing roles like the bisexual schemer Paul Denton in the film The Rules of Attraction, and sexually confused private school student Hamilton Fleming, in the short-lived television series, Young Americans, his big break came in 2004, when he auditioned for the role of Boone Carlye, in what would become ABC’s most successful television series, Lost.

But then the writers had to go and kill off his character, during the show’s first season.  (Yeah . . . THAT SUCKED!)

So, Ian took his talents to the stage, starring as a teenaged version of Pig Pen in the Off-Broadway Peanuts tribute play, Dog Sees God, alongside other up-and-coming actors, America Ferrara (Ugly Betty, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants), Eliza Dushku (Bring it On, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Dollhouse), Ari Graynor (Nick and Nora’s Infinite Playlist), Logan Marshall Green (The O.C.), and Eddie Kaye Thomas (American Pie).

(Believe it or not, I actually got to see this show live.  I loved it to pieces.)

And . . .  then came The Vampire Diaries, and a little Brooding Bad Boy Bloodsucker, we like to call Damon Salvatore . . .

The show was an instant success, and quickly built up a rabid fanbase.  This can largely be attributed (in addition to great writing) to the stellar acting skills and amazing chemistry of its talented cast members . . .

The success of The Vampire Diaries helped Ian gain recognition both as Entertainment Weekly’s Sexy Beast, and as one of People Magazine’s Sexiest Men Alive in 2010.

But Ian is more than a pretty face, talented actor, and charming interviewee, he’s also a pretty darn good person, who cares about the environment and wants to better his community.  A staunch animal lover, and owner of three cats . . .

 . . . Ian has worked closely with the St. Tammany Humane Society to raise money for animals in need.  His involvement in this organization increased manyfold, following the Gulf Oil Spill, back in April of 2010.  Ian was one of the first celebrities to speak out publicly against BP, and the lackadasical way in which the spill was being handled by its executives.  Concerned about the welfare of the animals living in the gulf, Ian put out a series of public service announcements requesting public donations to help care for them.

In fact, Ian was one of the main voices behind the Gulf Oil Spill Telethon hosted by Larry King this year. 

Today, in honor of his 32nd birthday, Ian will launch his own foundation geared toward positively impacting the planet and its creatures.  You can learn more about the Ian Somerhalder foundation (and how to make a donation) by clicking here.  To learn more about what’s going on in the Fabulous Life of Ian Somerhalder, go ahead and follow him on Twitter.

But, however, you decide to celebrate Ian’s birthday, be sure to watch The Vampire Diaries this Thursday at 8 p.m . . .

I promise you, it won’t SUCK . . .

Happy Birthday, Ian.  YOU’RE THE MAN! 🙂

[www.juliekushner.com]

The Vampire Diaries’ Love Bites: Who’s YOUR favorite “ship”?

My blogger pal, Cherie, who gave me the fabulous idea for this post, once said, that TV Couple Fangirling for women, is like Sports Team Fandom for men . . . and other women . . .  I guess.

  After all, both pasttimes involve obsessive television watching, and vicarious living through people we admire.  So what if Sports Team Fans analyze plays and stats, while we analyze longing looks and kisses?  It all comes from the heart!

Therefore, in the spirit of Team Fandom, I would like to take this time out to pay homage to the various couples, and prospective couples, that populate what has quickly become my favorite television show, The Vampire Diaries.  After all, vampires, werewolves, ugly rings, and random parties aside, at its core, TVD is a show about interpersonal relationships.  And while EVERY relationship in this show is unique and special, I’d like to focus on a choice few that really spark my interest.  They are: (1) Damon and Elena; (2) Stefan and Elena; (3) Stefan and Katherine; (4) Damon and Katherine; (5) Damon and Bonnie; (6) Stefan and Caroline; and (8) Jeremy and Tyler.

So, without further adieu, LET THE SHIPPER GAMES BEGIN!

Damon and Elena – Team Delena

The players: 

DAMON

He is a 160 some odd-year old vampire, who just had his heart broken, by the woman he has loved and pined over for about 150-years!  He tends to mask his feelings of heartbreak and loneliness with humor, sarcasm, an “I don’t care” attitude, and the excessive consumption of liquids, both alcohol and otherwise.  Lest that lead you to believe that Damon is a one-note character — trust me, he is NOT!

Damon is a guy who loved life, and loves undeath even more.  He believes in living both to the fullest.  And he is not afraid of breaking the rules . . . or bashing them in with a sledge hammer . . .  to do it. 

Damon is also a good friend, who is unfailingly loyal, and more than willing to do whatever it takes to help you out of a bad situation.  Many struggle with the dark sides of their humanity.  Damon is fine with his!  It’s the “light side” that’s taken him some getting used to . . .

ELENA

She was a cheerleader and popular party gal, who began to question her fun- loving ways, when both of her parents were killed in a tragic accident.  She is maternal, almost to a fault, and fiercely protective of the people she loves.  Elena is a strong and intelligent woman, unfailingly honest, and more than a bit spunky.  If you get out of line, she’s not at all afraid to put you in your place.  And yet, she is also a hopeless romantic — one of the few people left in this world who still believes in True Love.

Their story:

Those of you who have read this blog before, know that I have a soft spot in my heart for Damon and Elena, or, as I like to call them Delena.  In fact, I have written an ENTIRE blog post dedicated to solely to the evolution of their relationship.  Because I have limited space, I’d rather not repeat myself too much here.  Please go read my other post! 🙂

Suffice it to say that, throughout Season 1, we watched this pair evolve from wary strangers . . . to friends . . .to people who kept calling themselves “friends,” but were so OBVIOUSLY in love with one another, it’s not even funny . . . to enemies (who are still pretty much in love with eachother).  And, just recently, they have begun their journey back to friendship again. 

Trust is the foundation of Damon’s and Elena’s relationship. When trust is high, like when Damon saved Elena from a car accident with a vampire, or when he, on two occasions, refused to compel her, even though he had the opportunity, Damon and Elena are on fire.  But when it is low, like when Damon tried to kill Elena’s brother Jeremy (OOPS!) . . .

 . . . well, let’s just say, things can get a bit dicey between these two.

Why you should ship them?

Read my other post!  Read my other post!   Damon and Elena are two sides of the same coin.  Both are good souls, who are hiding a portion of themselves to protect their hearts.  He hides his light.  She hides her darkness. 

Because of this, the pair have an innate understanding of one another — one that doesn’t require words.  A smouldering sexy look can say volumes!  It is this special connection they have to one another, that allowed Elena to see Damon’s humanity, even when Damon’s own brother could not. 

As if that wasn’t enough, being with Damon allows Elena to let her guard down.  With him, she can be silly and fun-loving.  She can be herself.  Did I mention these two are INSANELY HOT together?  Or that the electricity between them can power an ENTIRE CITY?  

Don’t believe me?  Check out this fan video, and see for yourself.

Stefan and Elena – Team Stelena

The players:

(Note: For a description of Elena, see above)

STEFAN

As far as vampires go, he’s about as “gentlemanly” as they come.  Up until recently, he has prided himself on sticking an exclusively “No Human” diet.  That means, all woodland creatures, ALL THE TIME!

For many years, Stefan hated the part of himself that thrived on blood.  His penchant toward self-hatred and self-sacrifice some caused problems for him toward the middle of season 1, when he developed a very nasty addiction to to human blood, after years of abstaining. 

Lately, however, Stefan has begun to come to terms with who and what he is.   He’s even started to have a bit of fun with it.

Just like that OTHER vampire, from those OTHER books, who shall remain nameless, Stefan is quite the sensitive bloodsucker.  He cares about the people around him, and will sacrifice anything to protect them from harm.  Stefan is a bit more serious-minded than his brother Damon.  As such, he tends to be more rule-abiding, and more inclined to avoid violence whenever possible.  And yet, Stefan has a definite darkside.  Mess with his brother, or with his girl, and Dark Stefan will DEFINITELY come out to play.

“Heeeeeeeeeeere’s Steffy!”

Their story:

From the moment they met, Stefan and Elena had an instant connection and attraction.  They practically couldn’t resist being together.   Considering Stefan is undead, he and Elena actually had quite the traditional initial courtship.  However, the pair started to run into problems, when Elena learned that Stefan was keeping secrets from her, about his true identity, his origins, and his VERY old flame.

But the pair ultimately survived these obstacles.  And it was a good thing, too!  Elena needed Stefan to save her life, on many occasions.  And Stefan needed Elena to help him battle his human blood addiction.  Now, with Vampire Katherine back, they need eachother more than ever .  . .

Why ship them?

Stefan and Elena are SO MUCH ALIKE!  They are both sensitive, and fiercely protective of the ones they love.  They are both good souls, who despise violence, and avoid evil at all costs.  They even both keep diaries, for heaven sakes!  Not to mention, everytime these two make love, it is the sexiest, sweetest, softcore porn you have EVER SEEN.!

Check them out!

Stefan and Katherine – Team Kefan

The players:

(Note: For a description of Stefan, see above.)

KATHERINE

Katherine’s been a vampire for a LOOOONG time.  And no one does it better than she does.  Katherine loves every part of being undead, the blood-drinking, the immortality, the super-human strength, the ability to control minds . . .  all of it. 

 She’s a girl who’s not afraid to use her assets to get what she wants, and is more than willing to cheat, manipulate, steal, kill, or screw to do it.  As Damon once said of Katherine, she LOVES to play games.  And she is quite the player . . .

Their story:

Katherine first met Stefan back in 1864, when she began residing in his parents’ house, after the supposed “death” of her parents (which probably happened about 100 years prior).  Almost immediately, the two became engaged in a whirlwind courtship.  Despite the fact that Katherine was carrying on a relationship with Damon at the same the time, she swears to, this day, that her love for Stefan was real. 

When Stefan first found out that Katherine was a vampire, he was disgusted.  And so, to keep their relationship going, Katherine began to compel Stefan, even going as far as to feed her his blood, during their hot sex sessions.  When Katherine is found out by the town as a vampire, she is hunted by Stefan’s own father, a “pillar of the community.”  Stefan is shot, while trying to saving Katherine’s life.   However, because he unwittingly fed on her blood during his lifetime, he ultimately transitions into a vampire.  The change happens shortly after Katherine’s disappearance.

Now, Katherine is back.  She claims that she has returned, solely to rekindle her relationship with Stefan, who she “always loved.”  But is she telling the truth?

Why ship them?

“You hate me, Stefan?  That sounds like the beginning of a love story, not the end of one.”

Nothing says loving like Hot Hate Sex, and these two are destined to have it at some point during the series (preferably sooner, than later).  Pardon me for saying, but am I the only one that thinks Stefan “doth protest too much” when he says he never truly loved Katherine?  She was his first love.  And your first love is something you never really get over . . .

Sure, she’s more than a little evil.  But, if you know this show, you know that no character is ALL good, or ALL bad.  I suspect there is more to Katherine than meets the eye . . .

Aside from that, have you SEEN these two together lately?  They are hardcore HOT!   As you know, Stefan and Katherine are both vampires.  In fact, she’s older and stronger than he is.  This allows Stefan to be “harder and tougher” (wink, wink) when handling Katherine, than he is with Elena.  He can let his guard down with Katherine, because he never has to worry about “hurting or breaking” her.

This carefree quality extends to every interaction the pair have with one another.  When Stefan is with Katherine, he is tough, sarcastic, and, sometimes downright mean.  But, BOY is he FUN!

Damon and Katherine – Team Kamon

The players:

(Note: Descriptions of BOTH Katherine and Damon can be found above)

Their story:

Like Stefan, Damon met, and began dating, Katherine back in 1864.  But, unlike Stefan, Damon had a bit less trouble coping with the news that Katherine was a vampire.  Although he swears that she never compelled him, we learned, in a recent flashback, that this was not, in fact the case.  Nevertheless, we can assume that Damon was more open to the dark side of Katherine’s nature than Stefan was, during that time.

Damon was so crushed when he thought that Katherine had burned to death, that he wanted to die himself, rather than make the final transition to vampire. 

Though he slept with many women throughout the years, Katherine was Damon’s only true love until he met Elena.  He pined for her endlessly, and risked everything to break into that underground tomb and rescue her, even if it meant unleashing 30-some odd hungry vampires onto Mystic Falls.

When Damon found out Katherine wasn’t in that tomb, he launched himself, headfirst, into a downward spiral of drunkeness and despair.  And when Katherine returned, and rejected his love, he did something far worse . . .

Why ship them?

If Elena is the female Stefan.  Than Damon is the male Katherine.  These two are exactly alike.  They LOVE being vampires.  They love “living,” and they are not afraid to get a little messy to get what they want. 

Oh, and they LOVE, LOVE, LOVE long, hot, clothes-ripping, earth-shattering, forget-your-name afterwards SEX!

Damon and Bonnie – Team Bamon

The players:

(Note: For a description of Damon, see above.)

BONNIE

Bonnie led a pretty normal life.  That is, until recently, when she found out her best friend was dating a vampire, and that she was a witch.  Throughout Season 1, we’ve watched her learn to use her powers to help her friends.  She opened the tomb thought to contain Katherine, upon Damon’s request.  And, recently, she charmed a ring that would allow new vampire Caroline to be able to walk in the sun.

But Bonnie took the death of her grandmother, caused indirectly by the tomb opening spell, which the pair performed together, very badly.  She took her anger out on Elena, and began to REALLY despise vampires.  With her new found powers, she is now quite the headache for Damon and Stefan, both literally, and figuratively.

Their story:

To say that Bonnie’s and Damon’s relationship is an antagonistic one is a total understatement.  Ever since Bonnie’s grandmother died from over-exertion, opening that tomb for Damon, she has thwarted him at every turn.  She’s tricked him into believing a magical weapon against him was harmless, before giving it to his enemies.  She gives him massive headaches with her magical mind meld.

She even tried to SET HIM ON FIRE!

And yet, when it comes to helping their mutual friends, Elena and Caroline, Bonnie is big enough to put aside her personal feelings, even if that means making some very dangerous deals with the devil . . .

Why ship them?

Remember what Katherine said about “Hate being the beginning of a love story?”  I think that might very well apply here.  Damon and Bonnie are both very PASSIONATE people.  That passion comes out when they fight with eachother.  Bonnie is a worthy adversary of Damon’s.  And she will definitely keep him from getting out of line, even if she has to kill him to do it.

Stefan and Caroline – Team Staroline

The players:

(Note: For a description of Stefan, see above.)

CAROLINE

Like Bonnie, when we first meet Caroline, she seems pretty normal, all things considered.  She’s blonde, pretty, popular, and a cheerleader.  She’s also a bit of a Mean Girl, a tad neurotic, and has major issues with jealousy.  Of all the characters on the show, Caroline has probably undergone the biggest transformation, since her first appearance in the pilot episode.

Throughout the show’s brief run so far, we have watched a seemingly vapid, and often whiny, Caroline transition from a b*tchy alpha teen, to a mind-altered victim of Damon’s whims . . .

  . . . to a loving girlfriend . . .

 . . . to a kickass vampire, willing to sacrifice real love, and her relationship with her mother, to protect the lives of the people she cares about.

Their story:

Believe it or not, it was Caroline, not Elena, who first noticed Stefan, when he arrived as a “new student” at Mystic Falls high.   It was she who did the initial research about him, which she shared with Elena, during the pilot episode.  After that, the pair developed a sweet, if tentative, friendship.  But lately, that friendship has blossomed into something more special.

When Caroline woke up alone in a hospital, a new vampire, confused and frightened by her new abilities, she needed guidance.  And Stefan was there to give it to her.  He saved Caroline from death by staking.  He then, gradually, taught her how to live among humans. 

Stefan taught Caroline to hunt.  He protected her from a werewolf attack.  And, of course, he gave her advice on life and love.  “I’m not going to let anything happen to you,” Stefan whispered to Caroline, on her first fateful night as a vampire.

And, so far, he hasn’t . . .

Why ship them?

Like Katherine, Caroline brings out something in Stefan, that Elena can’t.  And that something is good old-fashioned goofiness.  Ever since he’s started paling around with Caroline, Stefan smiles and jokes more.  These two are comfortable around one another.  They have an easygoing relationship, and often exchange light- hearted and witty banter.  Caroline and Stefan find eachother’s flaws endearing — a trait that is VERY important, when embarking on a long-term relationship.

And besides, we all know that some of the BEST loves spring from friendship . . .

Jeremy and Tyler – Team Jyler

The players:

JEREMY

Can we really blame Jeremy for “switching teams,” after he’s had such TREMENDOUSLY bad luck with women?  First his mom dies.  Then his girlfriend, Vicki, gets turned to a vampire.  Then she dies.  Then he meets another vampire, Anna.

He quickly falls in love with her.  And the two begin a romantic, and, eventually, sexual relationship.  Then, you guessed it, SHE DIES!

Initially, Jeremy’s Big Sis Elena kept him mainly in the dark about all things supernatural.  But lately, she’s been letting Jeremy in on a few secrets.  And she BETTER!  Because supernatural creatures seem to keep TRYING TO KILL HIM!

In terms of personality, I guess you can describe Jeremy as being a bit Emo, but in a good way.  He’s still a hopeless romantic, despite all the obstacles that have been thrown his way.  Jeremy is also an artist, with a penchant for drawing vampires and werewolves.  (Gee, I wonder why?)  He used to be into drugs a bit, but we think that’s over and done with now. 

In short, Jeremy is basically a good kid, who’s gotten a REALLY raw deal, lately.  If anyone deserves some happiness on this show, it’s him.

TYLER

When we first met Tyler, he seemed like kind of a dick.  He was a druggie, and a bully.  He had rage issues, and like to beat the crap out of people, especially Jeremy. 

But lately, the writers have engendered in us fans some sympathy for the character.  Tyler had an abusive dad, who recently died.  He also has this Werewolf Curse hanging over his head. 

Lately, Tyler has shown an ability to care for people.  He saved Stefan and Caroline from a werewolf attack.  And he has bonded with Uncle Mason, and with Jeremy.  In short, Tyler got a long way to go, but the dude’s got potential.

Their story:

Jeremy and Tyler got off to kind of a rough start.  They hung out in the same social circle, but weren’t friends, by any means.  The fact that they both were in love with the same girl, certainly didn’t help matters.

Tyler and Jeremy have come to physical blows with one another on more one occasion, with the stronger Tyler usually having the upper hand.  And yet, in the way that “manly men” do, the pair always seem to come to an understanding with one another, when all is said and done. 

Jeremy sees a bit of himself in Tyler, as both men are no strangers to pain and alienation.  “You don’t have to be like this,” Jeremy said to Tyler once, after an argument.  (We’d like to think that’s true.)

Just recently, Jeremy comforted Tyler, regarding the loss of his father.  In return, Tyler invited Jeremy to his home, and confided in him about his family’s Werewolf Curse.  One might even consider these two friends.  Or, perhaps, something more . . .

Why ship them?

In the words of Jerry MacGuire, I think these two “complete” one another.  Tyler is strong, where Jeremy is vulnerable.  Jeremy is sensitive, while Tyler is crass, and tends to hide his true feelings. 

These two men share similar experiences, when it comes to loss and rejection.  Like Damon and Elena, they have this unique unspoken connection with one another.  Jeremy and Tyler are two VERY intense individuals.  And when they fight . . . well . . . it’s kinda hot.

So, there you have it, the EIGHT main “ships” from The Vampire Diaries.  Which one are YOU on?  And what do you think are that ship’s chances are of “staying afloat” this season?

[www.juliekushner.com]

Loved Me Once? Shame on YOU! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries “Memory Lane”

“Tell me something, Katherine!  What products do you use on your skin?  I’m going to tell Elena get them.  Because you, my dear, don’t look a day over 150.”

He is a Vampire with a Heart of Gold . . . and some SERIOUS rage issues . . .

Welcome back tight Hoodie of Hedonism.  We sure have missed you!

She is a Vampire with a Heart of Coal, with a serious aversion to wearing sensible shoes .  . .

“Flats?  Who the hell wears flats?  I don’t even know what those ARE!”

As a couple, they enjoy past-times such as: staking one another . . .

. . . playing dress-up . . .

. . .  invading eachother’s personal space . . .

 . . . lying / manipulation . . .

. . . and, most importantly, hard core S & M . . .

In short, they are just like YOU and YOUR boyfriend!

So, while the promos for this episode tauted it as being the hour that, once and for all, pitted Katherine against Elena . . .

. . . I would prefer to refer to it as the episode that created TEAM KEFAN!

So, without further adieu, let’s take a nice stroll down “Memory Lane.”

“A Dream is a Wish your heart makes . . .”

The Year is 1864.  It is the night of the Founders’ Day Ball, which is being celebrated in the Lockwood Mansion.  Katherine has chosen Stefan to be her escort to the Ball, over Damon, because Little Salvatore is “the better dancer.” 

(That should have been your FIRST clue that this was a Dream Sequence.  Stefan?  The better dancer?   Need I remind you of a little episode I like to call “Miss Mystic Falls?”

 . . . Oh, and let’s not forget about this . . .

Sorry, Stefan!  I love you.  But you are NEVER going to beat your brother in Dancing with the Vampire Stars.)

So, anyway, Stefan and Katherine are at the Founders’ Day Ball, engaging in some serious eye f*cking, when Stefan begins to express some concern for his “poor older brother,” who has been faced with the ignominious fate of going to the Ball STAG!

But WAIT!  Damon isn’t alone, after all.  SOMEONE is there with him.

It’s Elena!

And she’s RIDICULOUSLY under-dressed for a ball . . .

Unlike Katherine, Elena is not in the mood to dance.  In fact, she would much rather play with Damon’s balls . . .

 . . . his pool balls that is!

“It hurts, doesn’t it?”  Katherine inquires, pointing the smoochy couple out to a very Broody Stefan.  “Don’t fight it.  You’ve loved me once.  You will love me again.”

Stefan awakens with a start — his “girlfriend” nuzzled into his chest, still fast asleep.  She stirs.  “What’s wrong, Stefan?” She inquires sleepily.

Stefan tries to ease himself back to sleep, but something is still bugging him.  And that “something” has nothing to do with his Bad Dream.  Stefan dashes across the bedroom, and looks in horror at the girl with whom he was sharing a sleepy cuddle, just moments before. 

“I am getting better and better at this.   It is EASY to get in your head,” says . . . wait for it . . . VAMPIRE KATHERINE!

 Dammit!  I knew I shouldn’t have drank that Easter Bunny before bed.  Those cotton tails ALWAYS cloud my judgment!

Stefan tries to scare Katherine away with threats.  But this is NOT a girl who scares easily.  “We both know I could rip you to shreds, and do my nails at the same time,” the Vampiress remarks casually, examining her well-groomed, but old fogey, fingers, for affect.

Painted with the blood of high school girls who tried to date my ex boyfriend . . .

Unnerved, Stefan insists that Katherine tell him the REAL reason she has returned to Mystic Falls.  But Katherine can do better than just ONE reason.  “I came back for three reasons, Stefan.  You, you, and you,” she replies.

Ummmm, Katherine?  Not to be nitpicky here.  But . . . isn’t that just the same reason, three times?

“I love you.  You love me.  We’re an effed up family.”

The Power of Peach Cobbler

“Elena Gilbert, I am going to bring baked goods to your house.   And there is absolutely NOTHING you can do about it!”

Over at Mystic Falls’ ONLY bar / social establishment, Elena is “studying,” when Damon magically appears . . .

Because this is Episode 4, and we haven’t had a Shirtless Salvatore scene since Episode 1, let’s just pretend Damon showed up at the bar looking like THIS . . .

“So this is where you spend your time, when you aren’t busy stabbing people in the back,” offers Damon, conversationally.

Elena, ever the stickler for proper, dictionary-approved, insults, quibbles with Damon’s terminology.  “I tricked you into telling the truth.  That is not the same as stabbing you in the back.  That’s using your own tactics against you.”

“Well, EXCUUUUUUUUSE MEEEE!”

“I thought I made myself clear that I want nothing to do with you,” sneers Elena.

“OK.  See you at Useless Aunt Jenna’s barbecue!”  Damon sing-songs.

That’s right, Elena!  When Damon Salvatore isn’t getting laid, he becomes very Sherlock Holmes-y.   So, this  is ALL YOUR FAULT!  Apparently, Damon had casually suggested to Alaric that he and his new Useless Girlfriend, Aunt Jenna . . .

 . . .  hold a barbecue at Jenna’s house, and invite all of Jenna’s old high school friends.  However, Useless as Aunt Jenna is, she only actually had one friend in high school (well . . . two . . . really . . . but that Logan guy is dead, so . . .).  Of course, I’m talking about THIS GUY . . .

Geez!  The boys sure didn’t look like that in MY high school!

Contrary to what Alaric might have been led to believe, Damon’s reason behind suggesting the barbecue, had nothing to do with getting back into Aunt Jenna’s good graces, by using peach cobbler . . .

Rather, it had EVERYTHING to do with getting into Elena’s pants “silvering” Mason Lockwood — thereby exposing him as the “Wolf in Stud’s Clothing” he really is!

Meanwhile, back at the Lockwood Mansion, Mason is still refusing to tell Tyler how the “werewolf curse” is activated . . .

Curse?  That looks more like a BLESSING to me!

. . . and Tyler is still hiding Mason’s “family jewels.”

Somehow I always imagined Mason’s “jewel” being . . . bigger.  Didn’t you?

Raising the stakes . . .

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Stefan and Katherine are still engaged in an intense game of Slap the Salami Cat and Mouse.  Katherine, who is clearly the Houseguest from Hell, has already made herself at home, reading Stefan’s diary, drinking Damon’s blood, and fondling the Salvatore Brothers’ personal belongings.  In her reading, Katherine couldn’t help but notice that the Salvatore Detective Agency had recently encountered werewolves in Mystic Falls.  “What do you know about werewolves?”  Stefan inquires, defensively.

“I know enough not to pet one,” jokes Katherine.

“Awwww!  You’re a sweet puppy, aren’t you?  Yes you are!  Yes you are . . . Hey . . . Owwwwww!  I needed that arm!”

Through a series of flashbacks, Vampire Katherine explains Mystic Falls’ long history with werewolves — specifically, the role the Lockwood Werewolves had in the destruction of the Hidey Hole Vamps back in 1864.  Coincidentally, it was the Lockwood Werewolves who “outed” the Mystic Falls vampires, in order to cover up their own messy lupine-esque murders.  The werewolves in question were led by, pillar of the community, and Civil War veteran, George Lockwood (played by the INSANELY sexy, Simon Miller).

But before Katherine will reveal any more information about George and the werewolves, she has some questions for Stefan.  “Why did you keep this picture?”  She inquires, holding up the very same grainy photo that so TOTALLY creeped out Elena, the first time she and Stefan “did the deed.”

“You didn’t come back for, Elena.  You came back here to fall in love with me all over again, didn’t you?”  Katherine coos.

Stefan moves toward her slowly, as TVD fans collectively hold their breaths.  He then runs his hand across her cheek, and looks deeply into her eyes.  “What is it about you  . . . that makes me still care?”  Stefan whispers.

The two start making out hard core!

And it is HOT, with a capital “H”.  But you know what’s hotter?  When he STAKES HER ASS!

And, as if all of this wasn’t kinky enough?   Stefan then chains Katherine up in his basement.  He then angrily knocks over a chair, and tosses it across the room, as he rushes toward her — growling and groaning, just inches from her face, while he torturously tickles her with vervain plants.

“I am so turned on right now.  You have NO IDEA!”

As Stefan tries to get to the heart of the REAL reason behind Katherine’s return, Katherine continues to fill in the blanks from that fateful night in 1864, when (1) the Salvatore Brothers were turned vamps; (2) the Hidey Hole Vampires first were entombed, and (3) Katherine escaped Mystic Falls.  According to Katherine, she had struck a deal with George the Werewolf Lockwood.  Katherine gave up all of her vampire friends and family, in exchange for safe passage out of Mystic Falls on the night of the raid.  She also gave George the same precious moonstone that Mason has been so intent on getting from Tyler this Season.

You know what that means, don’t you?  Remember that whole Big Brave Effort the Salvatore Brothers made to rescue Vampire Katherine from the clutches of the evil townspeople?  You know, the one that resulted in their DEATHS at the hands of their own FATHER, as well as their subsequent rebirths, as a result of Stefan EATING THEIR FATHER?

Yeah, that was all a TOTAL WASTE OF TIME!

But here’s the kicker . . .  lies and manipulations aside, Katherine and Stefan (those two crazy old fogeys), really did seem to be in love, back in the day!

Stefan was definitely NOT under compulsion, when he first told Katherine that he loved her, on the night of the Founders’ Day Ball.  “I’ve never met a woman quite like you.  You are an angel.  (Katherine?  An ANGEL?  HAHAHAHA) When I touch your skin my body ignites.  I kiss you, and I know that I am falling in love.”

(Sappy . . . but sweet.  Who knew our Little Stefan was so poetic?  Then again, Dude does keep a DIARY!)

“Hey!  There is nothing wrong with a sexy man who’s in touch with his feminine side!”

And I’ll be darned if our Evil Vampiress didn’t look like quite the smitten kitten, while a 1864 Stefan deftly pawed at her face.

In fact, Katherine was so shocked by the extent of her feelings, that she blew off Damon’s advances later that night — going as far as to COMPEL him to LEAVE HER ALONE!

Who does THAT to boys that look like THIS?

“Seriously?”

Oh, and when the towns people were about to burn her ass to a crisp, if she didn’t leave town IMMEDIATELY, you know what Katherine did?  She WENT BACK .  . .

 . . . and fondled / made out with Stefan’s CORPSE, telling it that they would one day be “together again.”

Yes!  I know it was a hot corpse!  But COME ON people!  A hot Dead Guy is still a Dead Guy!

Question: If a Dead Girl makes out with a Corpse, would she be considered a Necrophiliac, or just an Equal Opportunist?

I’m not trying to be judgmental Katherine.  Every girl has a “type.”  Yours just happen to be ancient, sleep in coffins and be maggot-infested.  Different strokes, for different folks, I guess.  PLEASE don’t eat me . . .

Lamest Barbecue EVER!

Useless Aunt Jenna?  Can we talk?  You just had a barbecue at your house with THREE HOT MEN — two of whom had superhuman strength . . .

 . . . the other one was Alaric.

You could have done ANYTHING you wanted!  Fun things!  X-rated things!  Things that did not require clothing!  And you chose . . . PICTIONARY?

ARE YOU INSANE??????????

I love how the writers try to make Useless Aunt Jenna out to be this Uber Slutty Former Rebel. And yet, every time, she appears on screen, she does moronically dull things like this.  But while Useless Aunt Jenna proceeds to get wasted at her own party, and, thereby, increasingly more useless, Damon entertains himself, by trying to see how many “wolf” puns he can make at Mason’s expense, before the dog bites him in the nuts.

“Lone wolf, Dances with Wolves, Hungry like the Wolf, the wolf in Little Red Riding Hood, the wolf in the Three Little Pigs.  Who’s afraid of Virginia Woolf? . . . I’m going to take a shot every time I come up with one of these.  Hopefully, being inebriated will make this party more interesting.”

Things between “the Wolf” and “the Vampire” start out friendly enough, with Mason telling Damon, that he has “heard great things about him.”

“That’s weird, because I have a really big  ‘m a dick,” replies Damon.  (Oh COME ON!  Like I was REALLY only girl who “went there” with that comment . .  .)

However, after the umpteeth time Damon calls Mason “wolf-something” and tries to “silver” him, our favorite lycanthrope starts to wonder whether something is up.  “Listen, I’m not your enemy,” offers Mason, conciliatorily.

“You tried to kill my brother,” notes Damon matter-of-factly.  “I mean, granted, I tried to do kill him too a few times during Season 1.  But we’re related.  So, it’s OK.  But for you, it’s unacceptable.  The only one allowed to kill Stefan is ME!”  (OK, he didn’t say that last part.  But he SHOULD have!)

Mason then makes some lame excuse for the attempted murder of Stefan — something about not being able to control himself, after shifting and blah blah blah.  “Let’s not spark an age old feud that doesn’t apply to us,” insists Mason, ever the Serene Surfer Dude.

A slightly Drunk Damon reluctantly extends his arm for a manly handshake . . . and then . . . STAKES MASON WITH A SILVER KNIFE!

 

“That was so totally NOT COOL, dude!  You just like need to catch a wave, and CHILL man.  Spark a doobie or something!”

Mason is not really so mad at Damon for the whole “trying to kill him thing” as he is about the whole “ruining his buzz” thing.  “I was really looking forward to Last Call,” whines Mason.  “Now you’ve made an enemy.”

“Well, DUH!”

Back at home, Mason gets up in Tyler’s grill, about  the teens refusal to give him his “family jewels.”  Then, the Lone Wolf / Silver Surfer FINALLY reveals what it is that activates the Lockwood curse.  You have to .  . . KILL SOMEONE!

Me-thinks Mason Lockwood just got a WHOLE LOT more interesting . . .

Team Mean Girls Strikes Out

From the moment Vampire Katherine stole into Vampire Caroline’s room and told her that they were going to have “so much fun together,” we all knew it would be only a matter of time, before the pair were up to no good.  This week, we got to see exactly what “so much fun together” meant.  Apparently, Team Mean Girls’ mission, should they choose to accept it, is to “Break Up Stefan and Elena” — a task that is easier SAID than DONE.

“Tell me about it!  I couldn’t even manage it, and I . . . look like ME!”

For Katherine’s part, she appeals to the “self-sacrificing” side of Stefan, which is, coincidentally, the same trait that convinced Caroline to get Matt to dump her, once she turned vamp.  Katherine, who had only pretended to be trapped by Stefan because chains are SEXY so that he would be forced listen to her story (Apparently, she’s built up some immunity to vervain), eventually, frees herself from her chains and attacks Stefan.  The vixen even goes so far as to stake Little Salvatore in his Hoo-Ha, after he finds himself morally unable to finish her off.

“You’re kidding, right?”

“I will snap her [Elena’s] neck like a twig, and you know it,” threatens Katherine.

Elena’s neck.

“I will kill everyone she loves, while she watches.  And then I will kill her, while YOU watch,” Katherine continues.

(Awwww!  How sweet!)

Meanwhile, Caroline is busy engaging Elena in what I like to call the Twilight Talk.

With a whiny-ness that would make Bella Swan proud, Caroline fills Elena’s head with fears of wearing diapers, “while your boyfriend is still ridiculously hot” . . .

. . . never being able to have Baby Vamps . . .

. . . and always having to worry about your boyfriend eating you.  When Elena gets worried about Stefan not picking up his phone, Caroline offers to “drive Elena to Stefan’s house, to make sure he’s OK.”  Caroline then proceeds to let the air out of her tires, while Elena isn’t looking, so the pair will have to wait for the tow truck driver.  Eventually, an Angry Elena ditches Caroline’s Mischievous Butt and escapes to La Casa de Rich and Awesome.

It is there that she runs into Katherine.

The two size eachother up a bit, like a couple of kids playing “Steal the Bacon.”  I’m pretty sure, Katherine even went as far as to sniff Elena’s face.   Weird.  

“How is this possible?  How do we look exactly alike?”  Elena inquires.

“Easy.  We are both played by Nina Dobrev.  You are asking the wrong question,” replies Katherine tauntingly, before disappearing into thin air.

Almost immediately, Stefan appears, and gives Elena a much deserved hug.

Outside La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Katherine encounters Damon, and warns him that, if he messes with the werewolves and tries to play hero, he will get himself killed.

“Been there, done that,” remarks Damon boredly.  (He’s got a point!)

Later that night, at the only bar / social establishment in Mystic Falls, Elena and Stefan get into a “fight” over how big of a threat Katherine is to Elena.  Elena pouts a bit and acts jealous, while Stefan admits that Katherine had “already come between them.”  The last remark causes Elena to stalk off.  Then, both Caroline and Damon, who are eavesdropping nearby, with their FABULOUS vampire ears, sprout identical sh*t-eating grins on their faces. 

Honestly, the fight seemed TOTALLY fake to me, from the moment it started.  I didn’t believe it was real for a second, and have a lot of trouble believing that Damon would fall for a poor showing like that.  Nevertheless, later, back at Elena’s house, Stefan and Elena hug again, and vow to keep their continued relationship a secret, in order to protect Elena from the wrath of Katherine, and her new minion, Caroline.

You know what that means don’t you?  Lots of SUPER HOT SECRET SEX!

There you have it folks — a trip down “Memory Lane.”  So, what did you think?  Have you become a Team Kefan convert?  How long do you think Stefan and Elena will be able to keep up their “breakup charade?”  How far will Caroline fall into Katherine’s clutches to protect herself from harm?  Who do you think Tyler will eventually kill to become a full-fledged werewolf?  And, finally . . . and most importantly . . . in a fight between Mason Lockwood and Damon Salvatore . . . who do you think would look better naked? 😉

See you next week!

[www.juliekushner.com]

Hungry Like the Wolf – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Bad Moon Rising”

I gotta say, given the build up this whole “Lockwood Curse” has had since the end of last season, Mason’s big drooly “Presto Chango,” this week, was kind of “all bark, no bite,” wasn’t it?  I mean, literally . . . he snarled, he barked . . . he made googly eyes at Tyler, like he was the boy’s “b*tch” (no pun intended).  He just didn’t .  . . you know . . . bite. 

To be honest, that was a little disappointing.  You see, I thought for SURE that random ho-bag, Amy (who is NOT to be confused with my fabulous blogger pal, who shares the same name, BTW), was a prime candidate to become Dog Meat / win the Senseless Death of the Week Award.

I was wrong . . .

This is not to say that there weren’t ANY fun things about “Bad Moon Rising.”  For example, I thought the “B” plot was quite intriguing . . . or, perhaps, I should call it the D and E plot . . .

I’ll have what SHE’S having . . .

So, without further adieu, what do you say we chain ourselves to our minivans, and bark at the moon?

Or . . . maybe we’ll just get started with the recap, instead?

Return of the “Rick”

Hey, boys and girls!  Guess who’s back with a Brand New Nickname, and a “Useless” New Girlfriend?

Our episode begins with one of TVD’s classic Pow Wows of Sexiness and Plot Explanation.  Said Pow Wow is held, of course, at the typical headquarters for such events, namely, the Salvatore Brothers’ Casa de Rich and Awesome.  Joining our usual trio of attendees to the Pow Wow is Alaric Saltzman, who, suddenly, everyone is referring to as “Rick.”  

This makes Alaric the only character on this show to actually have a nickname (except for Damon, who I sometimes refer to as “My Boyfriend.”)

If you want him, you will have to get through me first . . .

Why did they invite Alaric, you ask?  Because it was the third episode, and the writers figured it was about time Matt Davis had some lines. You see, the Salvatore brothers . . .

 in their infinite wisdom (and insane hotness), recalled that Alaric’s former wife, Isobel

 Known aliases: Elena’s Bio Mom, Heartless Vampire B*tch 

 . . . was a doctoral candidate at Duke University, who studied  “folklore.”  Apparently, said “folklore” didn’t only include vampires.  It also included lycanthropes or, more specifically, werewolves.

Kudos to the writers for providing us a (sort of) explanation here, as to why our favorite Vampire Detective Agency (Stefan and Damon) has been so unbelievably slow in figuring out what the rest of us have known for about half a season now: namely, that the Lockwood’s are, literally, Dirty Dawgs! 

“I’ve been on this planet 160-odd years, and I’ve never seen one.  If werewolves exist, where the hell are they?”  Damon inquires, throwing in a dash of his trademark “Eye Thing” for good measure.

“My mouth may be talking about wolves, but my eyes are TOTALLY undressing Elena, right now . . .”

 And then, just in case his youthful charm and unmatched good looks had made you temporarily forget, Damon chose this moment to remind fans just how OLD of a fogey he really is, by making, not one, but TWO Lon Chaney (Junior and Senior) references, and one Bela Lugosi one.  Now, while I knew that Bela Lugosi was the original Hollywood Vampire . . .

He’s not too bad looking — definitely NO Salvatore brother, though.

  . . . I’ll admit, I had to Google the two Lon Chaneys.  Apparently, the younger one played Wolfman in movies (hence, the reference here).  Also apparently, when he wasn’t in costume . . . Wolfman was actually kind of hot.

The Lost Salvatore Brother?

As for his father . . .

 . . . well, I’m sure he had a really nice personality.

Anyway, recognizing that having werewolves in Mystic Falls would be, in Damon’ words, “not good” for our little Scooby Gang, Damon and Alaric decide to take a trip down to Duke to “borrow” Isobel’s research on the creatures. 

Damon and Alaric:  Together again.  How bromantic!

Meanwhile, Elena, who is desperate to find out why she looks so much like Vampire Katherine, sees Isobel’s research as a possible treasure trove of information on the subject of her doppelganger. 

So, despite the fact that, Damon, the vampire she is desperately attracted to and can’t stop thinking about hates, is going on the trip, Elena decides to tag along.  Unfortunately, for Elena, Stefan  . . .

 . . . has to babysit Baby Vamp Caroline . . .

 . . . and can’t come along.  But that’s OK!  Elena can still use Stefan to make Damon jealous!

OK, Elena.  Now, I actually like the whole “meanspirited-ness” thing you have going on during this episode.  So, I’m going to give you an “A” for effort.  But here’s a little hint:  when you are trying to prove to someone that you are “so over them,” you might want to try .  . . oh. .  . I don’t know .  . . NOT staring longingly at that person, while you are MAKING OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.  . . just saying.

What Elena was doing . . .

What Elena was thinking . . .

While Elena is OUTSIDE tonguing Stefan and eye-f*cking Damon, Alaric / Rick is inside, hitting on Useless Aunt Jenna .  . .

However, when things get too close for comfort, suddenly Alaric is all “I’m not ready for a relationship.  It’s not you it’s me, blah, blah blah.”

(Honestly, I’m not really sure why we are supposed to CARE about whether Alaric dates Useless Aunt Jenna.  I guess it’s just a way for Alaric to kill time, while he waits for his TRUE LOVE, Damon, to realize that he exists . . .)

Picspam courtesy of http://fyeahteambadass.tumblr.com/

“You hate me, huh?  That sounds like the BEGINNING of a love story, to me . . . not the end of one.”

During the ride to Duke University, a Super Sulky Elena rides in the back, while the Ambiguously Gay Duo, Damon and Alaric, keep the seats warm, up front.  Damon (who clearly feels that one and 1/4 episodes is MORE than enough time to get over someone trying to MURDER YOUR BABY BROTHER) inquires into the current status of Elena’s “forgiveness” of him.  “You know this pretending to hate me thing, is getting a little silly,” jokes Damon, as he aims his best “Eye Thing” into the back seat of Alaric’s car.

When Elena replies with the obvious — that the murder of one’s brother requires a mourning period more substantial than a commercial break —  Damon notes that there is a very big asterisk next to that statement.

Jeremy is still alive.

(Ahhh, Damon.  Between your obscure fogey film references, and your use of archaic grammatical symbols, you really are proving yourself to be elderly today, aren’t you?)

Elena uses this opportunity to pose to Damon the question fans have been pondering since the Season Premiere, namely: Did Damon see the Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality on Jeremy’s finger, before he decided to break the little guy’s neck?

To this inquiry, Damon responds, “Elena, I SAW the ring.  It’s a big tacky thing.  It’s hard to miss!”

THANK YOU, DAMON!  It’s HIGH TIME someone FINALLY noticed how majorly UGLY this ring is!

More Caroline-y than EVER BEFORE!

Speaking of Ugly Ass Rings, is it any wonder that Caroline bitched about the lack of stylishness of her brand new Vampire Sunscreen one?  “I have to wear this ring for the rest of eternity,” whines Caroline.  “Shouldn’t I at least get to choose what it looks like?” 

(Given the Salvatore brothers TERRIBLE taste in jewelry, I’d be inclined to say “Yes, you should, Caroline.”)

But, perhaps, I should backtrack . . .

At the opening of the episode, Caroline is avoiding Matt (who wants to go down to the old Lockwood Swimming Hole for Tyler’s outdoor party) because she can’t go out in the sun, without frying like bacon . . .

Stefan, recognizing that Bonnie’s witchy powers can make a Vampire Sunscreen Ring, and that being with Matt is Caroline’s one link to whatever humanity she has left, tries to convince Bonnie to do the spell.  But Bonnie doesn’t want to do it, because she is a total asshole worried that Caroline will hurt someone again, if allowed to walk in the light. 

(Ummm Bonnie, what time of day did Caroline kill someone last week?  That’s right .  . . AT NIGHT!  And, therefore, you think that not making the ring for your supposed best friend is going to save lives because . . .)

Hello, there, person who is a FEMALE, a MINORITY, and a WITCH.  Perhaps, you’d be interested in learning a thing or two about TOLERANCE of other species  . . .

Ultimately, Bonnie agrees to place a spell on Caroline’s ring, but only after she ANNOYINGLY lectures Caroline about the whole “not killing people” thing, like the lame ass Debbie Downer-witch she’s become.  Then, after instructing Caroline on the importance of preserving all life, Bonnie nonchalantly risks burning Caroline to a crisp, by ripping open the shades to her bedroom, and LETTING THE SUNSHINE IN!

Keep smiling, and shining, knowing you can always count on me, for sure . . . that’s what friends are for!

Once Caroline is cleared for Sun Worship, Papa Stefan (ever the understanding parent) allows her to attend Tyler’s party, provided she feed on bunnies with him first . . .

“You don’t want to eat ME, do you Caroline?  Might I interest you in some Tasty B*tchy Bonnie-witch, instead?”

When a stressed-out Caroline unloads all her neuroses on poor Stefan, during their morning hunt, he notes wryly that “when someone becomes a vampire, all their natural personality traits are amplified.” (NEW VAMPIRE RULE ALERT!)

Upon hearing this, Caroline correctly notes that she will now be an “insecure, neurotic, control freak on crack.”  And, to prove her point, when Caroline reunites with Matt at the Swimming Hole, she goes BALLISTIC on Slutty Amy, for flirting with her man. 

Matt . . .

 . . . far from being turned on by the sheer extent of her girlfriend’s devotion, stomps away from Uber Possessive Caroline in a pouty huff.

Meanwhile, Tyler . . .

. . . has become suspicious of Uncle Mason, after seeing the latter lurking around an old underground “slave cellar.”  It is this suspicion, perhaps, that causes him to ignore Uncle Mason’s warning that it’s a Full Moon. And if Tyler doesn’t get all his friends off the property by nightfall, “someone will wind up wasted, and dead at the bottom of the lake.”

(Well . . . that pretty much sounds like every horror movie, I have EVER SEEN!)

“Pull it out, Baby!  It hurts (SO GOOD)!”

Over at Duke University, Isobel must have been pretty darn important, because her office looks like a Mansion / Ancient Artifact Museum.  And her old student / assistant, Vanessa . . .

(played by Courtney Ford)

 . . . seems literally willing to guard the place with her life.  Moments after the gang arrives, Vanessa shoots a crossbow in Damon’s and Elena’s direction.  The immortal Damon gallantly steps forward to take the proverbial “bullet” on Elena’s behalf.  While Alaric struggles to disarm Courtney, Damon and Elena engage in a thinly veiled sexual conversation over the phallic arrow lodged beneath the muscle fibers of Damon’s perfect abdominals . . .

 Yummy!

“Pull it out!  Pull the damn thing out!  It hurts so good!  YES!  YES!  YES!” Damon whines, as Elena straddles him, rocks back and forth a bit, and, finally, breathing heavily, yanks the big stick out of his midsection. 

(Thank you for this, writers.  Clearly, you know how to give this Pervy Fangirl EXACTLY what she wants, while still sticking to your TV-14 rating.)

Watching this scene, I couldn’t help but be reminded of another vampire / human encounter on television.  This one also involved a morally ambiguous vamp “taking a bullet” for an ambivalent human female, and forcing said female to bodily remove the offending weapon from the vampire’s body . . .

I’m referring, of course, to the scene in True Blood, during Season 2.  In that scene, Eric tricked Sookie into sucking a bullet from his stomach, so that she would be forced to swallow his blood, and, thereby, be bonded to him forever . . .

“That b*tch i SOOOO DEAD!”  Damon remarks, referring to the woman who just crossbowed him.

“If you kill her, I will never talk to you again,” threatens Elena, childishly.

“You are starting to manipulate me,” Damon notes wryly.

“And I LOVE being manipulated.  Just ask Vampire Katherine . . .”

When Vanessa has calmed down enough for Alaric to unhand her, the grad student admits that, having reviewed Isobel’s research, she freaked upon running into the Definitely Dead Damon Salvatore, and Elena, a girl who LOOKED just like Vampire Katherine. 

Later, as the crew begins poring through boxes of Isobel’s research, Elena and Vanessa bond over boys and vervain plants.  “He is a first rate, jackass,” Elena whispers to Vanessa, looking over her shoulder at Damon.

Damon overhears and smiles.

“So THAT’S the pet name she plans to call me, when we’re doing the NASTY, tonight!  Daddy LIKE!”

Later, Damon sidles up to Elena to continue their Flirt Fest 2010.  “It’s a bummer we aren’t friends anymore, because I could tell you what I know,” he coos.

“Now who’s manipulating?”  Elena replies, trying to hide the smirk on her face.

Mental F*cking = all of the heat, none of the STDS!

Unfortunately, Vanessa has to ruin all the fun, by launching into a seemingly endless monologue of Plot Explanation Sans Sexiness, which seems to be the only purpose, thus far, for her character being on this show.  Vanessa explains to us that some Aztec curse made vampires Creatures of the Night, and werewolves Servants of the Moon.  She also describes the two species as mortal enemies.  “According to legend, a werewolf bite can kill a vampire,” remarks Vanessa. 

(And what exactly does it do to humans?  Turn them into wolves?  Give them a gnarly tattoo?  I guess we will find out soon enough . . .)

The “Serious” Vampire Look

While Elena and Damon are flirting over at Duke, Stefan and Caroline seem to be flirting with one another, back home.  Just as Stefan teased Caroline earlier about her neuroses, Caroline playfully taunts Stefan about his excessive seriousness, and the  stern looks he keeps giving Mason, at the swimming hole.  And I’ll be darned if the friendly teasing doesn’t cause the usually Serious Stefan to crack a smile or two.

Eventually, however, Caroline runs off to find Boy Toy Matt.

Apologizing for her earlier bad behavior, Caroline promises her beau “no more drama,” and then pulls him into the woods for a substantial makeout session, under the light of the Full Moon.

While the pair are going at it, Stefan receives a call from Elena, in which she relays to him the information she uncovered about werewolves, and the unique brand of danger they pose to vampires.  Ever the concerned Papa, Stefan rushes off to protect Caroline.

Meanwhile, Tyler is in the woods making out with Slutty Amy, a.k.a. Boy Toy Matt’s Sloppy Seconds.  Apparently, the girl had taken Caroline’s mind control command to “go after someone single” literally.  To Tyler’s credit, when Slutty Amy awakens from her compulsion, and ditches Tyler’s ass, he doesn’t go into a rage, like Season 1 Tyler would probably do. 

(I guess the writers are trying to make this Teen Wolf more likeable, after all . . .)

“Oh, come on!  How could you NOT like me?  I wear pajamas to my own keggar!  Now, if that doesn’t make me a Loveable Dork, I don’t know what does!”

Down in the underground cellar, Mason has chained himself to some rocks, to protect Tyler and his friends from his Wolfy Wrath.  However, upon hearing his cousin’s voice above ground, Mason decides to relocate . . . to also ABOVE GROUND.  Mason eventually chains himself to his van . . . which to me seems like THE DUMBEST IDEA EVER! 

So let me get this straight . . . you were concerned about hurting the teens located MANY FEET ABOVE YOU.  So, you decided to . . . come to ground level and be CLOSER TO THEM? 

“If this car’s a rockin, don’t come a knockin'”

When the Full Moon finally hits the sky two things happen that should surprise presisely NO ONE. (1) Caroline vamps out on Matt and tries to eat him; (2) and Mason, upon turning wolf, breaks free of the chains attaching him to his van.

DUH!

Fortunately, two more FAIRLY predictable things happen, to prevent anyone from getting hurt:  (1) Stefan tackles Caroline to the ground, before she has a chance to finish her Matt Sandwich;

“This is me, playing the HERO again .  . . and looking Super Sexy in my Hoodie of Hedonism.”

and (2) Tyler stares down Wolfy Mason, preventing him from attacking Stefan and Caroline.

“This is ME, doing my Endzone Dance, because my character is FINALLY relatively sympathetic.”

When it is all over, Tyler confronts a VERY DIRTY and VERY NAKED (but still tasty) Mason about his wolfishness (See picture above).  Nearby, Caroline compels Matt to forget that she ate him.  Stefan then gives him vervain, to protect him from being a future Snack de Caroline. 

Then, Papa and Baby Vamp engage in a conversation about the difficulties associated with protecting the humans they love from their own vampiric darksides.  Following that conversation, Caroline purposefully ruins her relationship with Matt, in order to protect him from her.

To see her break down in tears after Matt dumped her immortal butt was truly heartbreaking.  In making this decision, Caroline has performed a truly selfless act, one that not even the Saintly Stefan was capable of accomplishing.  The question is . . . now that she no longer has Matt to keep her on the straight and narrow, where will Caroline find that ever important link to her humanity?

“Hint:  It sure as hell won’t be from ME!”

Vampire Katherine’s arrival in Caroline’s room at the end of the episode, followed by her threatening, yet intriguing pronouncement — “Don’t be frightened.   We are going to have so much fun together!” — certainly didn’t bode well for the future of Vampire Caroline’s soul . . .

The Darker Side of Elena

After a lame-o scene, during which Alaric makes Useless Aunt Jenna his official Lame Ladyfriend, we are returned to the MAIN EVENT . . .

Upon arriving home from Duke University, Damon corners Elena, once again, by the car door.  Their mutually beautiful faces are just inches away from locking lips. 

“Road trips work well for us,” remarks Damon, glibly.  “You know I chipped away at your Wall of Hatred.”

A scene from Damon and Elena’s FIRST road trip.  Ahhh, memories!

Throughout most of the Duke trip, Elena has been trying to get Damon to spill the information he has on Vampire Katherine — information that, hopefully, can help Elena understand why she looks so much like her.  “Friends don’t manipulate friends,” Elena mutters, early on in the trip, when Damon, once again refuses to share.

And yet, at the end of the night, Damon is feeling remarkably generous.  Sensing some softening in Elena’s resolve against him, he tells her that Katherine’s last name was “Petrova,” and hands her a book on the Petrova lineage.  “Men snoop too, you know,” he says slyly.

But then, he becomes serious . . .

“You have every right to hate me.  I understand.  But you hated me before, and we became friends.  It would suck if it was gone forever.  Is it is it gone forever?”

“Of course, it’s not gone forever.  I LOVE YOU, you Big Fangy Lug!  Thank you for the book, Damon,” Elena replies, demurely.

And that’s when Elena finally works up the courage to ask Damon directly the question that has been plaguing us all.  “Did you know Jeremy was wearing the ring, when you broke his neck?”

Damon admits that he didn’t.

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!  (I still refuse to believe it.)

Elena tears up at the admission, but thanks Damon for being honest.  “You have lost me forever,” she whispers.

NOOOOOOOO! (I refuse to believe THAT too!)

Now, it is Damon’s turn to be hurt and angered.  “You knew that already.  You used me today.  I thought friends didn’t manipulate friends,” he says, throwing Elena’s own words from earlier in the evening back in her face.

But Damon knows the unspoken response to that too.  Elena was OK with manipulating Damon, because she doesn’t consider him a friend .  . . not anymore.

“You and Katherine have a lot more in common than just your looks,” remarks Damon, before walking away.

She TOTALLY deserved that.

Don’t worry, Damon.  You’ll get her back, eventually.  Sexy television characters, like you, are ALWAYS forgiven for your evils.  So, for now, just go back to La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  Relax.  Pour yourself a drink . . .

or TEN . . .

Be sure to practice your trademark “Eye Thing” in front of the mirror . . .

Tomorrow is another day . . .

[www.juliekushner.com]

 

 

 

The Vampire Diaries Season 2 Premiere – We are Live Blogging it! (Or, at least, attempting to . . .)

Elena is not too keen on the idea of live-blogging.  Too much risk.  With a vampire as a boyfriend, a witch as a best friend, and . . . DAMON . . . she feels she has all the risk she needs in her life, right now.  But Vampire Katherine?  She says, “GAME ON, B&TCHES!”

Last year, in honor of the Finale of Season 1 of The Vampire Diaries . . .

. . . the amazing, brilliantly talented, and insanely hilarious, Amy (author of the AWESOME blog, Imaginary Men) and I, attempted to live blog the bloody festivities in all their so-beautiful-it-physically-hurts-to-look-at-them glory.

And . . .  yeah . . . it didn’t work out so well . . .

But we still had a great time doing it . . .

And .  . . maybe it’s just because we are gluttons for punishment . . . but we’ve decided to try the whole “live blogging” thing again, for the upcoming Season Premiere.

So, if ogling / completely objectifying hot boys, snarkiness, and OBSESSIVE (slightly nerdy) fangirling are YOUR thing, feel free to click the link below (on Thursday, September 9th at 8 p.m., EST) and watch The Vampire Diaries’ Season Premiere episode, “The Return,” with us.  We can’t promise you it will all work out . . . but we CAN bribe you with sexy pictures of the show’s stars . . .

Have I convinced you?  If so . . .

Click here to participate in the live blog 

 Because we have nothing to lose . . . except our dignity. . .