What’s hiding under YOUR hood? – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars “CTRL A”

“Now, what date would be so important to Caleb that it would merit an explanation point . . . I wonder . . .”

“OHHHH!”

Greetings, my Pretties!  This week on PLL, a lame secret was revealed, computers were remotely hacked,  a deal was struck, a crisis was averted, and a single doobie, once again, possessed the power to ruin an entire relationship.  (Don’t do drugs, kiddies!)  So, fire up your laptops, and smoke ’em if you’ve got ’em, because it’s time to  “CTRL A” . . .

Swimming with Sharks

Thanks to shopaholic blackmailer / hacker Mona, Emily Fields is back in the pool.  This, of course, is great news for Emily and her swim team, but, perhaps, not such great news for her lady love, Maya, who’s starting to feel a wee bit left out of the fun.

“This is super uncomfortable.  I could really go for a joint, right about now .  . .”

Elsewhere, Techno Boy Toy Caleb finds himself in some hot water, when the police impound his laptop, on suspicion of it containing stolen school files on it.  You know, like the ones Mona accessed from the principal’s office, last week.  Golly gee, this wouldn’t have anything to do with the time Caleb fell asleep at school, and, like a moron, left his laptop out in the open, and ripe for the taking, now would it?  A smug and unfazed Caleb calmly proclaims his innocence, confident that no hack Police Boy is going to be able to crack the enigma that is his computer.

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Girlfriend, Hanna, however, is FRACKING FREAKING OUT.  She’s been through this with “A” and the Rosewood PD many times before.  And she knows that, as good as Caleb might be with computer hacking, “A” might just be a teeny tiny bit better . . .

Caleb tries to calm Hanna down, while simultaneously turning her on, by using sexy computer lingo like HOTSPOT, INTERFACING, and FIREWALL.

And though titilated by her boyfriend’s Dirty Nerd Talk, Hanna wishes to get down to business . . . and not in a fun way either.  Instantly suspecting that “A” has compromised Caleb’s harddrive by hiding incriminating material on it without Caleb’s knowledge, Hanna suggests he remotely hack the laptop, and erase the files in question, before the Useless Rosewood PD can find them.

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Caleb agrees, and some intimate discussions regarding Caleb’s computer passwords and logins ensue.  Unfortunately, however, Caleb can’t successfully hack his computer, while the police are keeping it offline.  Inconvenienced, but not defeated, Caleb decides to explore Hanna’s hotspots, instead . . .

The first rule of Fight Club, is don’t have a heart attack while in Fight Club . . .

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Some secrets are better kept as secrets, because the mystery is sexier than the reality.  Beard Boy Holden’s secret is definitely one of those secrets.  Like Lucas and his “big bad bookie problem,” before him, Holden joins the ranks of characters on PLL who’s plotlines ended up being MAJOR letdowns.  That’s right, my Pretties.  After all our jokes about Holden having bruises on his stomach, because he’s in Fight club, that’s exactly what he ended up being in.  Except, rather than being in an edgy, get-your-teeth-knocked-out-by-Ed-Norton-who-thinks-he’s-Brad-Pitt kind of Fight Club, Holden’s fight club looks a lot like your six-year old nephew’s karate class . . .

“Can we celebrate my victory with a McDonalds Happy Meal?” 

Relieved that her fake boyfriend isn’t the Drug Lord she suspected he was, Aria agrees to keep her fake date with him in Philly that night.  This way, Holden can attend his snoozeville super important fighting tournament, and Aria can eat French Vegan food with Fitzy, while the two discuss “their future.”

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Will everyone’s favorite English Teacher take Byron’s bait, thereby allowing himself to be shipped away to the land of Mardi Gras, and ladies who take their shirts off for plastic 50-cent necklaces?

Only time will tell . . .

Prior to her fake date, Aria’s mom not-so-subtly suggests that Aria should stop dating Beard Boy in Philly, and start boning her family friend closer to home.  This way, if the rough sex results in him collapsing from his heart condition, he can be cared for by Dr. Wren a.k.a. the-Only-Doctor-in-Rosewood, as opposed to those not-model-looking doctors in the City of Brotherly Love.

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“What?  Holden has a heart condition?”  Aria asks incredulously.

“Why yes, dear daughter.   I figured you would already know that, considering how you are out porking him for hours at a time, three or four times a week,” replies Aria’s mom, more or less.

“Oh yeah,  you’re right.  I totally knew about Holden’s lethal disease!  I was just kidding, Mom.  Haha!  Boy, I sure, got you!” Aria says.

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Meanwhile, Byron has just received a note on his car from “A,” offering him the location of Aria’s REAL date with Fitzy.

 

Am I the only one starting to get a strong sense of deja-vu, here?  Silly “A.”   For whatever reason, she never seems quite as creative when she’s messing with Aria, than when she’s messing with the other PLL girls.  I wonder why that is . . .

Instead of heading off to meet Fitzy, Aria follows Beard Boy to Fight Club.  “So, Holden, what’s this I hear about you joining Fight Club, when you have an exploding timebomb in your chest?”  Aria inquires.

“This isn’t just because we all thought you were gay, is it?” 

Holden makes a nice speech about living life to its fullest,  and about how people don’t always know what’s best for you.  This, of course, makes Aria think of her relationship to Fitzy . . . as most things do.  But, ultimately,  she decides to ditch out on Fitzy, so that she can watch Holden in Fight Club . . . you know, just to make sure he doesn’t . .  . like . . . die in stuff (which would TOTALLY ruin this nice Fake Date thing they have going on).

Aria cancels on Fitzy by text, without explanation, which, of course, is super inconsiderate.

But when Fitzy arrives at the site of their date and sees Papa Byron seated at one of the tables, he’s suddenly a lot less pissed, and a lot more relieved not to have walked into that lions den.

After Holden wins at Fight Club, Aria heads to congratulate him.  And suddenly Holden is looking a wee bit smitten with our littlest PLL girl.  (Ruh-roh, Fitzy!  I suggest you start practicing your moves, because there might just be a little Fight Club for Aria’s heart headed in your direction . . .)

Papa Byron phones Aria, and tries to slip her up, by asking to speak to Beard Boy.  So, of course, Aria calls his bluff by promptly  putting him on the phone, something she would never have been able to do, had she decided to leave Holden to die in Fight Club.  Well played, Miss Montgomery!

What am I going to doobie?

There is trouble lurking in paradise between Emily and Maya.  First we see Maya randomly hanging out with Facelift Vampire Jason, bringing the total number of major “A” suspects and NAT club members with whom the supposedly “loner” Maya associates to two.  To make matters worse, the big green monster of jealousy is clearly eating at Maya, during Emily’s swim team party, where her swim phenom girlfriend is the center of attention, while Maya is left alone holding the doobie.

“I have a confession to make.   I ate all your blue swim team cookies.  I couldn’t help it.  I have a serious case of the munchies.” 

That’s right, my Pretties, Maya confesses to Emily that her parents might have found an old “toke-n” of Maya’s affection in her bedroom.  Wow, these dirty hippies must REALLY not like pot, because they threaten to send her back to druggie camp AGAIN!

As it turns out, Maya was a bit coy with Emily about how exactly old that doobie was.  Emily assumed she meant “months,” but Maya actually meant “minutes.” 😉  Emily’s super pissed at Maya for not being honest with her.  And Maya is pissed at Emily for being more popular than she is, and for not wanting to run away to San Francisco with her, where the pair can smoke all the ganja they want.

I don’t know, my Pretties.  Something about Maya’s story stinks a bit to me, and it’s not just the pot I’m smelling . . .  I’d feel better about it being true, if we actually got to meet Maya’s supposedly crazy parents.  Your move, writers.

Oh bastard half-brother, where art thou?

Early on in the episode, the PLL girls get to meet Vivian Darkbloom’s “friend” Jonah, a cell phone geek, who she offered $2,000 to hack into phone records and find out who was sending threatening texts to her “friend” Alison.

The only average looking male in Rosewood . . .

(Of course, if “A” was using prepaid phones paid for with cash  . . . as evidence suggests that she is . . . that really wouldn’t help much, now would it, Jonah.)  Jonah’s uber pissed at Vivian, because doing this little task for the Rosewood Lolita cost him his job.  And then, to make matters worse, she never paid up . . . you know . . . because of the whole “dying” thing.

The rest of the girls want to pay Jonah, and immediately turn to moneybags Spencer for the dough.  The problem, of course, is that Spencer hasn’t exactly been on speaking terms with her parents, as a result of the whole “Facelift Vampire Jason is my half-brother” thing.  In fact, she’s spent the entire week hiding out at Aria’s house . . .

Spencer has been on speaking terms with Facelift Vampire Jason, though.  These two really do have an interesting dynamic with one another.  And by “interesting” I mean “slightly incestuous.”  Facelift Vampire Jason notes that Ali had $15,000 along with love letters between Spencer’s dad and Ali’s and Jason’s mom, in a box she kept under the floorboards.  This was how Jason found out about his paternity.  It’s also what led him to believe that Ali might have been blackmailing Spencer’s dad, in exchange for keeping quiet about what she knew.

“So, if you and I hooked up, what do you think would be the likelihood that our children were born with a tail, or three arms?” 

Hoping to snag the $2,000 she needs to pay off Jonah for the answer to the question of “Who was calling Alison, and, by extension, probably calling the girls as well,” Spencer heads back home for the first time, in a week.  Briefly mesmerized by her dad’s open checkbook in his briefcase, Spencer contemplates a little Grand Theft Checky.  But she quickly abandons the idea, when her father nearly walks in on her stealing it.

 

Spencer finally confronts her father about what she knows.  And he, more or less comes clean about everything that happened.  He swears, however, that he was never blackmailed by Alison.  And Spencer believes him.

“You are SO grounded, Mister!” 

The question is, who was blackmailed by Alison?  Was it Spencer’s mother, hoping to save the family?  Was it the members of the NAT club  (sans Jason), because of the tapes she had on all of them?  Or was it someone else entirely?

Facelift Vampire Jason still wants to believe it’s Papa Hastings, because that would make it easier to hate him.  But toward the end of the episode, Spencer finally opens his eyes to new possibilities .  . . and hits him up for that $2,000, of course.

On computer hacking, and sex in tents . . .

Caleb  isn’t the only one in hot water with the police.  Deputy Douchey finds more ammunition for torturing the PLL girls when a page of Ali’s autopsy winds up missing from EVERYWHERE, and the hospital security cameras turn up a picture of Hanna, Spencer, and Emily clad in candy striper outfits outside the morgue on the day of the theft.

Wait a second . . . shouldn’t it have been Hanna, Spencer and Aria?  Wasn’t Emily in the hospital as a patient at the time?

This is either an inconsistency on the writers part, or a fairly big hint that “A” is someone with not nearly as big of a grudge against Aria, as against the other three girls.  Could “A” have doctored this photograph?  Or am I just overthinking things?  What are your thoughts, my Pretties?

Anywhoo, following Hanna’s own encounter with Deputy Douchey (I guess he only called Hanna in, because he thought he might have another chance to screw her om), Caleb telephones her to let her know that he’s in a “Hot Spot” and needs her help.  There go those sexy computer terms again!

Apparently, Deputy Douchey and Police Boy have wised up, and are forcing Caleb to cooperate, by making him enter his own password into the computer for them.  The bad news about that, is now the cops will have access to whatever incriminating files “A” put on his hard drive (not to mention that “A” related files that are actually there).  The good news, however, is that now Caleb’s online a.k.a, in a hotspot.

Hanna calls “Smart Friend” Spencer over to help with the computer hacking festivities.  Spencer manages to get remote access to Caleb’s computer.  But it’s up to Hanna to input the password.  Hanna is explains to Spencer Caleb’s rationale for the letters he uses in his password.   Spencer is impressed, and more than a little bit turned on.  “That’s almost as complex as my computer password.”  ALMOST . . . ha . . . gotta love Spencer!

Hanna runs into a problem, however, when she can’t figure out the last four numbers of Caleb’s code, followed by the exclamation point.  And she only has three tries to get it right, or be locked out of Caleb’s computer FOREVER!  Spencer ultimately suggests that the numbers probably represent a date that was particularly important to  Caleb . . . a date that merits an exclamation point.

Suddenly, Hanna knows exactly what those last four digits are.  And they are in!

Hanna immediately finds the incriminating files located in a folder input on Caleb’s harddrive entitled “Hefty,” for “Hefty Hanna.”

“B*tch!” Hanna exclaims, over how “A” has managed to insult her, even in her hacking of Caleb’s computer.

Over at the police station, we see that Deputy Douchey has located the “Hefty” file too.  (Remember, he KNEW Hanna, back in the day. ;))  Now, it’s a race to see who can get to them first.  Hilarity ensues, when Hanna tries to delete each individual file, and finds that the process is taking too long.  “CTRL A” Spencer exclaims.

“That’s what I’m trying to do .  . . CONTROL A,” Hanna exclaims frustratedly.

But of course, Spencer’s talking about the keys, not the person . . .

In a moment of televised brilliance, Hanna manages to erase the files moments before Deputy Douchey can open any.  They disappear before his beady little eyes, and he’s completely flabbergasted.

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By the time Caleb leaves the station with his laptop, a happy Hanna is there to shower him with celebratory PDA.  Hanna has earned major points for saving Caleb’s ass.  And Caleb has earned major points for immortalizing the day he took Hanna’s virginity in his computer password.  Something tells me there’s going to be some major nookie going on in the Marin household tonight . . .

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In the final scene of the episode, we see Emily calling Maya to apologize for their fight, while SOMEONE watches Emily from her window.  Creepy!

Next week on PLL, Spencer SEDUCES WRENNNNNNN!

Oh, and I guess some other stuff happens too . . .

See you then, my Pretties!

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[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Snitches, and Phonies, and Liars (Oh my!) – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “The Naked Truth”

Greetings, my Pretties!   And Happy Truth Up Day!  Considering how, most PLL episodes revolve around the lies various characters tell, and the secrets they keep, I thought it was kind of fitting to have an episode that focused on truth, for a change.  “The Naked Truth” was all about characters stripping down, spilling their guts, and coming clean.  So, open up your blacklight pen, and power up your photo shop, because it’s time for another Pretty Little Recap . . .

Change your attitude . . . Change your coat

Don’t you just hate it when someone uses your phone to take a naked picture of themselves someone else, and then sends that picture to the ENTIRE SCHOOL?

Maybe not . . . 

Our episode begins in the Principal’s Office, where Hanna and her mother are facing child pornography trafficking charges.  And yet our favorite blonde still can’t be bothered to put her cell phone on vibrate.  Awk-warrrrrd  . . .

*cell phone begins to play “Sexy and I Know It” by LMFAO*

HANNA and KATE: (in unison) “That’s not mine.”

PRINCIPAL: “Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle YEAH!” 

Want even more awkward?  How about the fact that everyone in this room answers to the same last name?

Anywhoo . . . Evil Stepmonster Mommy thinks Hanna should be expelled for sending the nudie shot, in question, which, of course, Hanna denies taking, in the first place.  Through it all, Evil Stepsister Kate sits in silence crying crocodile tears, and wondering whether the principal is picturing her naked, while he’s talking to her.  (Yes, Kate.  He absolutely is!)

“I’ve already printed out a copy for my wallet!” 

Rather than expel Hanna for a crime she swears she didn’t commit, Mr. Principal decides instead that the two girls should air out their own differences, while in the same group at the school sponsored lock-in type event, “Truth Up Day.”

Meanwhile, back at Spencer’s house, the rest of the PLL girls are very confused about the Pretty Little Red Peacoat they retrieved using Ali’s old storage claim tag, under the pseudonym Vivian Darkbloom.

ARIA: “It’s only one color . . . and doesn’t come with any loud patterns.   Lame!”

SPENCER: “Where’s the matching hat?  I need my matching hat!”

EMILY: “I bet Maya would think I looked hot in that jacket . . .” 

Emily seems unusually tense about the whole situation.  “I feel like we are in a bad place,” she warns.

Spencer, of course, is having none of that.  “We are in my living room, Emily.  We are holding a coat,” she retorts . . .

Game, set, match, for Spencer, on that one . . .

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Since the peacoat in question is not really Ali’s style, the girls suspect that Ali used it to perpetuate her Vivian Darkbloom identity, in hopes of bringing down “A,” once and for all.

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While fondling the dead girl’s coat, the girls notice a slip of paper containing a telephone number, in one of the pockets.

“Who the heck writes down  telephone numbers, anymore?  That’s what cell phones are for!  Silly, Vivian Darkbloom!” 

The girls promptly dial the number, and leave a message, claiming to be “friends of Vivian’s,” which, isn’t a lie . . . at least, not exactly  . . .

From Boil-n-Baggies to Bags of Pills to Bad Intentions . . .

At school, everyone is looking at Hanna like she’s a TOTAL PERV!

Meanwhile, Emily is SUPER pissed at the principal, for keeping her off the swim team, based solely on that whole, the “PLL Girls Touched the Ali Murder Shovel” thing .  . .  Also at school,  Holden should really learn to keep his school bag closed, especially, if that’s where he wants to hide his drugs.

“Oh, hello there, Holden’s Drugs.  Fancy meeting you here!” 

“Doh!” 

“It only works, if you pull on the end,” says Holden to Aria, as the two tug on opposite ends of a ream of paper.  And my mind immediately goes to dirty places . . .

A few feet away, someone trips over Holden’s bag, sending the telltale pill bag flying out into the open.   “Oh Hol-den!  You have some ‘splaining to do!”

Upon seeing the pills, Aria gets that look on her face, that actresses tend to reserve for Lifetime Movies and After School Specials . . .

*insert dramatic, Drugs are BAAAAAAD, music here*

Meanwhile, Blind Jenna is canoodling with Bushy Eyebrows Noel  . . .

Please excuse me for a moment, while I go hurl . . . 

OK . . . I’m back now. 

Then, Spencer runs into Facelift Vampire Jason at the school, you know because he’s a diddler of teenagers “mentor” and stuff.   He tells Spencer that she should give her dad a “message” that he’s been awaiting his call.  But Facelift Vampire Jason says “message” like most of us would say threatening, scary things like, “knife through the throat,” “bullet wound to the head,” and, in Facelift Vampire Jason’s case, “bite on the neck.”  So, you really can’t blame Spencer for being a bit concerned, on her father’s behalf, douchey as said father might be . . .

“I want to suck your blood, chew off your face, and give your father a ‘message.'”

“Oh no!  Not a ‘message’ . . . anything but that!”

Then, Aria’s mom comes by to beg Facelift Vampire Jason to be a chaperone at Truth Up Day.  (Because that’s just what high schools need at their sleepover events, more bloodsucking vampire chaperones!)

That’s Aria’s mom, doing her best vampire impression . . . 

At first, Facelift Vampire Jason says “no dice.”  It’s really hard to suck on teenagers, with all those pesky chaperones around.  But when Aria’s mom casually notes that Spencer’s parents might be there, he promptly changes his mind.  Hey, maybe he will get the chance to deliver his “message” after all!

At Hanna’s house, Hanna’s mom confronts her about the whole pervy child porn picture thing. She reminds Hanna that she would crush anyone who tried to hurt her daughter.  But she needs to know who’s during the “hurting,” before she can start doing the “crushing.”

“I’ll give her a ‘message’ she’ll never forget.” 

Hanna looks genuinely distraught, but flawlessly so.  (As an ugly crier myself, I’m always seriously jealous of those people with a talent for “pretty crying.”  And Hanna is a Gorgeous Crier.)

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Hanna wants her mother to know that she didn’t do this totally awful thing.  Yet, if she spills the beans about “A,” she will be potentially putting yet another person she loves in danger.  And she definitely doesn’t want to do that.  So, instead, she continues to suffer in silence . . .

“Why not just skip the step, and jump out the window?”

Awkwardness abounds, as the students arrive at Rosewood, armed with sleeping bags, and cellphones that have been forcibly turned off.  A misty chill hangs in the air between Aria and Holden, now that Aria thinks Holden is a High School Drug Lord.  Glares are exchanged between Hanna and Evil Sister.  And Facelift Vampire Jason growls with fangy rage, when he learns that Spencer’s dad won’t be present at the event.  But, hey, at least he could deliver his “message” to Spencer’s mom!

“You and your messages better stay away from me.  I’m a lawyer!” 

Oh, an then there’s Blind Jenna creepily playing the piano in the music room.  First the flute, now the piano.  Is there any instrument in the world this girl doesn’t play?  Next, we will probably see her with a tambourine, or massive-sized harp . . .

“I guess Three Blind Mice would be an inappropriate song to request.” 

 Also in the group with Blind Jenna — and led by Spencer’s mom, and Facelift Vampire Jason — are Caleb and Aria.  It’s fun to get to see these two interact with one another, for a change.

I’d ship it, but I’m pretty sure Hanna would beat me up, if I did . . . 

Emily and Mona are in Hanna’s mom’s group.  And these two are saucy little duo.  When Mama Marin suggests the students take a step forward, if they don’t want to be “here”  . . .

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 . . .  Mona suggests this, instead . . .

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As for Emily, she decides to take multiple steps forward for every statement Mama Marin makes, because she thinks just one, is simply not enough . . .  (She’s also probably one of those girls, who always cheated at “Mother May I,” when she was a kid.  I HATED those girls.  I played “Mother May I” fair, dammit!)

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Emily’s real gripe, of course, is against the Principal for continuing to keep her off the swim team.  The fact that he happens to be there at the time, allows her to direct her dagger glare at his smug face.  “Message” sent . . . and received.

“I’m currently experiencing a pain where my heart is supposed to be.  Is this guilt, or just indigestion?” 

The Principal calls Emily over, and basically tells her she’s not on the swim team, because she’s a bad seed, sucks, and pretty much deserves everything she gets . . .  How’s that for making students feel “welcome” at their school!

“This is why, in high school horror movies, the principal always dies first.  Just sayin'” 

Mona watches this exchange from a far with interest.  You could just tell she’s cooking up a plan in that devious little mind of hers . . .

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Speaking of not feeling welcome, Aria conveniently forgets to turn off her phone, which allows her to get yet another text message from “A.”  This time, the target seems to be Aria’s “new friend.”

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So . . . who’s the friend?  Is it Beard Boy Holden, or Techno Boy Toy Caleb?  Always more questions . . .

The Blame Game

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In Hanna and Evil Stepsister Kate’s bouncy ball tossing group, Kate whines that people at her new school aren’t “nice people.”  (Yeah, Kate, because YOU’RE a real sweetheart!)  Bushy Eyebrows Noel takes opportunity to leer at Kate, and tell her how nice she looks, all “nekkid.” The Caterpillars that live above his eyeballs seem to agree . . .

The whole exchange causes Hanna to blow up, and ask her group whether they really think she’s a bully.  Ooh . . .here’s a hint, Hanna.  Don’t ask questions, if you REALLY don’t want to know their answers . . .

Fortunately, Caleb is waiting for her on the roof, with a hug, some words of encouragement, and a little tongue  . . .

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“Oh honey.  You are just too good in bed to be a bully!”

Oh, did I mention that Caleb put the smackdown on puss-faced Blind Jenna in group, after she started b*tching and complaining about how terribly SHE gets treated at school?

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It was pretty effing awesome, I’m not going to lie.  In fact, I haven’t had this much fun during a PLL episode, since Hanna slapped Jenna in the face . . .

 OK . . . so that might have seemed REALLY rude, back then.  But now we know the wench had it coming . . .

During a brief break, Emily takes the time to apologize to Mona for the way Ali used to bully her.  Mona claims she’s WAY past that “That was like, two personalities ago!” She exclaims, nonchalantly.

But the look on her face seems to suggest that Mona’s still holding on to quite a bit of baggage from her outcast days.  However, for now, she’s Emily’s greatest savior.  Why?  Because Mona happens to know that the Principal takes bribes from members of the football team, to keep them on the squad despite bad behavior.  And she’s got the mad hacker skills to prove it!

Viewers for whom Mona remains their chief “A” suspect, got a ton of clues, in their favor, this week.  For starters, she’s clearly computer savvy, as we already know “A” to be.  She has the motive of years of bullying.  And, as we heard in this episode, when Mona contacted Emily on the loud speaker, she’s pretty adept at disguising her voice, as necessary.

“Computers are my only friends . . .” 

Additionally, Mona’s previous job working in the Principals office clearly gave her access to a ton of information about all of the students of Rosewood High, most notably the PLL girls . . . not to mention all the additional scoop she must have dug up by being Hanna’s bestie.

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But does this make Mona too obvious of a choice?  I think so . . . a reveal of Mona as “A” would probably disappoint many fans, for that very reason.  But hey, she did manage to get Emily back on the swim team, with her scheming, blackmaily ways.  So, yay for that!

In slightly less positive news, Aria and Beard Holden broke up their faux-lationship . . . presumably, because of the whole “drugs thing.”

What a shame!  I was just starting to like their fake dates!  I really hope they fake make-up soon!

YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Regarding the room where everybody anonymously wrote their secrets using a blacklight pen . . . a few of those secrets bear very special significance to our story . . .  (Also, it just looks really cool.  So, I’ve decided to share the picture with you.)

Well, we can be pretty sure none of the PLL girls wrote the “never been kissed,” secret.  But Aria might be the virgin!

 .  . . despite regular efforts to make it not so . . .

As for the “I’m afraid of my dad,” confession, my money’s on Holden.  It would certainly explain the bruise on his stomach, and why he never seems to want to go home.  It also might explain his actions at the end of the episode. 😉  As for the taunting, “I know who killed Alison Dilaurentis . . .” well, I’m going to go with Jenna or Mona for that one.  Both girls seem like such obvious “A” candidates that they just HAVE to know more than they are letting on . . . (assuming, of course, that neither is actually “A.”)

A Match Frowned Upon by the Gods

Upon overhearing her mother fighting with Facelift Vampire Jason about truth, justice, and the illegitimate bastard child way .  . . Spencer makes the Spencer Face . . .

Then, she remembers that time when Melissa and Facelift Vampire Jason got caught making out in their car, and Ali responded by making all these naughty incest jokes.

“A match frowned upon by the gods,” Ali quips.  “This is more interesting than the guy who kills and eats his dates.”

More interesting, indeed.  But, for the record, I happen to think that Facelift Vampire Jason does kill and eat his dates  . . . I mean, he is a vampire, after all . . .

Later that night, Spencer confronts Facelift Vampire Jason with the fact that they might very well be half siblings.  He doesn’t deny it . . .

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Spencer understandably feels hurt and betrayed about being left out of the loop on this.  After all, given the younger Hastings’ siblings penchant for dating older men, there’s a good chance that Spencer could have ended up doing a lot more than make out with Facelift Vampire Jason, if left to her own devices . . .

And though Spencer gave her mom a bit of a verbal smackdown, at the end of the episode,  it’s her father that really has some explaining to do . . .

Now, Spencer that’s no way to talk about the newest additions to your family tree . . . 

Speaking of “rotten fruit under the family tree” . . .

Busted by a Birthmark . . .

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One of the problems with using photoshop to improve the quality your sexts is that, eventually, the person to whom you sent the picture is going to actually have to see you naked.  Evil Stepsister Kate just never figured that the person seeing her naked was going to be the same girl she was trying to screw over . . .

Get thee to a dermatologist, STAT!

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I absolutely adored the scene where Hanna got Kate to admit that she was the one, who sent that naked picture of herself to the whole school on Hanna’s phone.  And when Emily and Aria emerged in unison from the bathroom stalls, smiling and holding out matching cell phones that had recorded the conversation, I’m not embarrassed to say I did a little dance of joy . . .

BUSTED! 

I also loved seeing the smug, and self-righteous look wiped right off of Mama Isabel’s face, when she found out from the principal exactly what her “sweet daughter” had done . . .

Where’s Caleb?  (And why is your hand on my leg?)

Now, that the whole “Porno Kate” situation has been properly handled, Hanna becomes concerned that Blind Jenna and Bushy Eyebrows Noel might be after Caleb, because (1) of what he said to Blind Jenna in group; (2) because they seem to be working for “A,” and he has their phone.  Though, admittedly, I’m not quite sure why she sent Aria to find him, as opposed to going herself . . .

“If we are playing hide-and-seek, Aria, you are very, very bad at this game . . .”

Walking right past Caleb, as he types away in front of an OPEN WINDOW, Aria finds herself on the creepy, windy rooftop, screaming Caleb’s name . . . and not in a sexy way, either . . .  The minute she walked past that heavy door, held open by a rock, I just knew she was going to get locked up there by “A.”  What I didn’t expect was for Bushy Eyebrows Noel to start yanking on her legs, while she climbed a ladder, like the villains always do, in those action flicks.

Then, this happened  . . .

Never has Beard Boy Holden looked hotter than when he drop-kicked Noel in the nuts, to rescue Aria from his clutches.  It was 100% awesome sauce!  In fact, I may have to stop calling him Beard Boy, and start calling him Fight Club!

But Aria’s on to him . . .”Did someone jump you like that?  Is that how you got the bruises?” She wonders out loud . . .

Well, Holden, I’m sorry that you probably have an abusive dad and/or regularly used to get your ass kicked by people who don’t approve of your choice of mate.  That sucks!  But hey, at least you have a better nickname, now!

In other news, at the end of the night,  Emily’s and Aria’s regular calls from “Vivian” and “Vivian’s friend” to the number in Ali’s peacoat seem to have paid off.  Though, at first, someone who sounded suspiciously like Mona told them to piss off, when they called.  This time, the person on the other end of the line actually agrees to meet with them.

The plot . . . it thickens.

Oh, and as for Techno Boy Toy Caleb, he may be great at cracking cell phones, playing hide-and-go-seek, and being Hanna’s savior, but he sure is crappy at guarding his personal items.  Boyfriend is dumb enough to fall asleep at the school, with his precious laptop exposed to the world.

Is it any wonder the damn thing gets stolen in the middle of the night?

 Next week, on Pretty Little Liars . . .

Until then, my Pretties!

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