For those who have balls . . . – A Recap of Grey’s Anatomy’s “Something’s Gotta Give”

Karev stares wistfully at what’s left of his balls, after Avery beat the crap out of him, at Cristina’s House Warming Party . . .

 The way I see it, there are two types of people in this world: (1) those who have balls .  . .

(2) and those who don’t.

Although seemingly simplistic, the above statement is actually much more complex than it looks.  After all, I could talking about balls, in the literal sense . . .

 .  . .  balls, in the anatomic sense . . .

. . . or balls, in the metaphoric sense, as something representative of courage or “guts.”

During this week’s installment of Grey’s Anatomy, many of our favorite Seattle Grace-ys got the opportunity to show us their BALLS . . .

 . . . while others just . . . sat around eating frozen yogurt.

It’s never too late to gain the Freshman 15 . . .

 So, without further adieu, what do you say we get these balls rolling, and commence with the recap?

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The New-New Cristina

When the episode opens, we learn that Cristina hasn’t exactly been using her “Surgery Hiatus” time wisely.  In fact, despite having ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD to decorate, following her and Owen’s move into the Old Firehouse, Cristina hasn’t unpacked a SINGLE BOX.  The result of this massive oversight, on Cristina’s part is that her and Owen’s new crib now looks like something out of A&E’s Hoarders. 

(In Cristina’s defense, moving SUCKS!  And I would know, because I’ve done my fair share of it  .  . .)

Speaking of Cristina’s “Surgery Hiatus,” those of you who, like me, were worried that we would have to suffer through yet another episode of “”The Mopey Depressed PTSD Cristina Show,” got a bit of a reprieve this week . . .

“This week on Grey’s Anatomy, the part of Mopey Depressed PTSD Cristina will be played by Crazy, Bad Dancing, I Don’t Give a F*ck Cristina.”

Now . . . before you all start giving me the Stink Eye . . . I KNOW that letting her “id” run wild, compulsively spending money on frivolous things, and impulsively throwing parties and chopping off her friend’s hair, is not a “healthy” way for Cristina to cope with the emotional trauma she suffered, as a result of The Shooting.  But you have to admit that this week’s Cristina was WAY MORE FUN to watch than last week’s, right?

Speaking of People-I-Thought-Would-Be-Annoyingly-Mopey-This-Week-But-Weren’t .  . .

Callie Get’s a New Look . . .

“This week on Grey’s Anatomy, the part of Callie Torres will be played by Minnie Mouse . . .”

Cristina isn’t the only Seattle Grace Doc on “Surgery Hiatus,” this week.  As it turns out, Callie too has decided to take some time off, following her girlfriend Arizona’s decision to go on maternity leave from the show leave Callie’s ass for Africa.  When Callie hears the news from Mark that Cristina has quit the residency program, she rushes to her former roommate’s new casa to talk some sense into her.  Instead, she ends up . . . getting a haircut?

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I have to admit that Cristina’s maniacal cackling, as she dangled a chunk of Poor Callie’s hair in her face, all the while screaming, “LET’S MAKE LEMONADE,” frightened me a little bit.  However, my initial fear quickly vanished, when a now Hat-Wearing Callie and Crazy, Bad Dancing, I Don’t Give a F*ck Cristina decided to GO TO THE MALL!   

After all, who doesn’t like malls?  Malls are AWESOME!

Cristina and Callie Become Mallrats . . .

The scenes featuring Cristina and Callie at the mall on Grey’s this week, kind of reminded me of that old movie Mallrats . . . or rather, what that movie would be like, if those two poor slacker guys in it were actually female surgeons with LOTS of money to burn . . .

Ostensibly, the duo was at the mall, so that Callie could get her hair fixed, since Cristina had gone all Edwards Scissorhands on it, earlier . . .

However, Cristina uses the time to bask in the very special joys that only unemployment (while married to a rich surgeon) can provide.  During her Mallpisode, Cristina eats highly processed and chemical-laden food, prepared by teenagers.  She also marvels at the “Mall People,” who wander about the premises slowly, and aimlessly, with no particular time schedule to keep, but the ones in their own brains.  Cristina also buys an ENTIRE LIVING ROOM DISPLAY at the Furniture Store!

This just in . . . the Recession is OVER!  Our economy’s troubles have single-handedly been resolved, through the frivolous purchases of one woman.  And that woman is: Cristina Yang – Mall Person!

Did I mention that NuCristina has also decided to throw herself a house party, and invite all her surgeon friends, but NOT tell her new husband?  Cristina Yang – Mall Person has officially become MY IDOL!

Meanwhile, back at Seattle Grace, where people actually have to work for a living . . .

Everybody Hates Teddy . . .

Poor Doctor Altman!  Ever since her Blink-and-You’ll-Miss-It dalliance with that Shrink Guy has ended, she hasn’t had a single storyline that didn’t involve her yelling at someone, or being yelled at by someone.  Teddy kicks off this week, by getting more than her share of the latter. 

It all starts, when Teddy holds a little “information session” at the hospital, regarding her “Miraculous Lung Transplant Patient.”  Unfortuntely, no one gives two darns about that Poor Roy Henley Guy, who, lets face it, is SO LAST WEEK!

“Hey!  Now that’s not very nice!  What’s a guy gotta do to get some sympathy around here.  DIE?”

“Worked for ME!”

Instead, the doctors pepper Teddy with questions about Dr. Yang’s absence, and why she chose to quit the Residency Program.  Leading the Inquisition is Derek, or, as I like to call him, Dr. McJudgy . . .

 

“Hey!  I resemble that remark!”

McJudgy goes as far as to suggest that it is Teddy’s fault that Cristina quit her Residency, because Teddy inadvertently obligated Cristina to care for Roy, who was a very high risk patient, with a rather complex case history.  As if her presumed involvement in Cristina’s quitting didn’t make Teddy unpopular enough, shortly after the information session, the “Cardio God” finds herself having to cater to a VERY IMPORTANT patient, who no one else is allowed to KNOW is even in the hospital . . .

Inexplicably, most of the doctors at the hospital assume that Teddy’s Super Secret Patient is Bono . . .

Unfortunately, it doesn’t end up being anyone nearly as exciting.  It’s just some random Middle Eastern Leader Dude, who’s trying to bring peace to the entire Free World.  Bo-rinnnnggg!

Teddy, who is no Politico, by ANY means, does her best to save Middle Eastern Leader Dude’s life, while catering to the increasingly strange demands and inquiries of his harem colleagues and staff.  While, at first, Teddy butts heads with the Head of Middle Eastern Leader Dude’s Secret Service, the latter ultimately comes to respect Desert Storm Barbie, for her ability to work so well under pressure . . .

There was actually some pretty spicy sexual tension between these two!  And if this was a different show, and /or Teddy was a more well-liked character, we all KNOW that Teddy and the Secret Service Guy would have totally hit the on-call room for some Horizontal Mambo.  But its Grey’s Anatomy, and its Teddy Altman, so they didn’t . . .

Things got a bit more complicated, when Middle Eastern Leader Dude’s Chief Advisor, admitted that Middle Eastern Leader Dude did not just have heart trouble, as previously thought, he had also recently suffered from a brain aneurysm.

“Well, hello there!  My name is Ridiculous Plot Twist.  It is very nice to meet you.”

Now, suddenly, Teddy is forced to call upon her nemesis, Brain Doctor Derek.  The pair must perform surgery on Middle Eastern Leader Dude simultaneously.  How’s THAT for awkward?  Fortunately, this is DEREK we’re talking about, here.  So, of course, everything goes perfectly.  Shortly thereafter, Middle Eastern Leader Dude is free to go back to his country, and Save the World.

(And if you believe that I have a bridge to sell you in Brooklyn for $2.  If interested, inquire in the comment section, below . . .)

The Balls are in YOUR Court . . .

Remember a few weeks back, when April was totally and completely in LOVE with Derek Shepherd?  Remember how she would follow him around all the time, like a puppy in heat; and would squeal annoyingly everytime the Married Man did so much as take a dump, unaided? 

Come on, April.  You KNOW its true . . .

Well, those days are gone now.  Because, ever since Alex gave April the Hug Heard Round the World, last week . . .

 . . . it’s been ALL KAREV, ALL THE TIME, as far as this girl is concerned . . .

So, you can imagine how excited April was, upon finding out that both she and Karev were on New Pediatric Doctor Stark’s service together . . .

While spending the day taking care of babies, April can’t help but imagine what it would be like for her and Alex to have a Bundle of Joy of their own . . . one produced by Divine Conception, of course.

Although April and Alex care for many Tiny Humans under Stark’s watch, their main Patient of the Week is a baby in need of a liver transplant . . .

“How many times do I have to tell you?  It’s LISA!  The baby’s name is LISA!  LISA! LISA!  LISA!  Like that chick from The Simpsons . . .”

Aside from REPEATEDLY demanding that the doctors refer to her by name, Lisa’s parents have lots of questions about the manner in which Dr. Stark will chose to conduct the transplant.  However, Dr. Stark can really give two craps about answering these questions.   He’s WAY TOO BUSY bossing getting Karev and April to do his job for him, to do a thing like that. 

To make matters worse, when it comes time to do the transplant, Dr. Stark finds that the liver is TOO BIG for the baby’s body.  And so, he makes the bizarre decision to LEAVE THE BABY OPEN for a few day, while the swelling goes down.  

Stark HOPES that the liver will “fit” inside the body . . . eventually.  (Now, how’s that for a ringing endorsement .  . .)

Of course, Dr. Stark doesn’t tell ANY of this to Lisa’s parents, who assume their little girl is doing just fine.  April and Alex don’t like the situation one bit.  Fortunately, during lunch, the “Brilliant” A**hole Alex comes up with a plan involving his balls . . . or rather, A BALL that Lexie shot at his chest earlier.

Never . . . gets . . . old.

Upon recognizing that Lisa’s liver can be wrapped around this small celluloid ball, without complication — thereby, enabling Dr. Stark to complete the surgery, and close the body cavity, Karev rushes show Dr. Stark what solid BALLS he really has . . .

Unfortunately, for Alex, Stark COMPLETELY blows off the idea . . . at least initially.  Later, while Alex is making his rounds, April learns that Stark has decided to use the “ball” in surgery, after all.  He has also opted to take FULL CREDIT for Alex’s idea!!

Arizona would NEVER do a Mean Ole Thing like that, now, would she, Grey’s fans?

April Gets SCREWED (But Only Metaphorically . . .)

Later that evening, April finds Alex resting in a cot in the on-call room.  Plopping down on the bed next to him, she sweetly tells him how brilliant he was for finding a solution to Lisa’s case, and what a good person she thinks he is.  Of course, this gives the perpetually Self-Destructive Alex the perfect opportunity to prove her wrong . . .

“How DARE you call me a Good Person!  Walk the plank, B*tch!”

Things start off well enough, I guess.  Alex, overcome with emotion that SOMEONE would be willing to show him such kindness after the AWFUL weekend he had (more on that later), pulls April toward him for a deep sweet kiss . . .

Then there is some heavy-petting, and scrubs-removal, and heavy-breathing, and laying down on the bed . . .

Uh OH!  The warning bells are starting to go off here . . .

April did NOT maintain her virginity for 28-years, only to lose it on some dirty cot in the on-call room, during a five-minute break between rounds.  Now, April definitely WANTS to do it with Alex . . . don’t get her wrong.   She’d just like a few moments of quiet kissing to ponder the occasion. 

After all, before she knows it, her virginity will be gone forever.  And she will be waddling (sore, slightly bloody, and feeling a bit used) to the OR, to perform yet another surgery.  So, April politely inquires whether Alex can slow down just a smidge with his Olympic Speed Boning . . .

Well, CLEARLY Alex is a guy who is NOT capable of “keeping it up” for very long, if you catch my drift.  Because the mere suggestion of slowing down, causes Quick Draw McWilly to go TOTALLY Apesh*t on Poor April’s ass! 

“What do you need from me?  You wanna screw, let’s screw.  You don’t, then get out.  I’m not gonna hold your Virgin Hand, and walk you through it, Dammit!  You’re not a child.  I can’t take care of you.  I can’t take care of everybody in this frickin’ place!”

Well, if it were ME laying in that cot, I would have told Alex to take that HAND of his, and shove it up his ASS . . . so, that he could slap the NASTY FACE attached to his HEAD, which was, obviously, already up there . . .

“Hey, something smells funny, up here . . .”

But April is a much nicer person than I am.  So, she just lays on the cot, crying, as the Grade A – A**hole storms out to go kick tiny puppies, or whatever it is that Grade A – Asshole’s do in their spare time . . .

Jackson Avery to the RESCUE!

“I may not be the BEST doctor in this hospital.  But I am certainly the best-LOOKING.  And today, I might have proved myself to be the best FRIEND.”

April is still crying hysterically, by the time she gets to Cristina’s House Warming Party . . .

*sobbing uncontrollably*  “How the hell do two you afford this place?  I work at the exact same job that you do, and yet, I share a BATHROOM with 85,000 castmembers roommates, one of whom just totally ripped me a new one in the on-call room!  It’s not fair, dammit!”

Jackson hasn’t exactly had the best day himself.  Not only has he become the “red-headed stepchild” of the residency program, having screwed up surgery after surgery, since The Shooting.  He also suffered the loss of one of the patients, he was caring for on Bailey’s behalf (through no fault of his own).  So, Jackson sees his best friend April in need.  And hers is a problem he can fix . . . (just not in the way you think ;)). 

OK . . . I know he’s supposed to LOVE Lexie and all, but does anyone else think these two would be pretty darn adorable together?

And “fix it,” Jackson does . . .

Picspam provided by the cahboom tumblr

“OK .  . . I get that I should be all ‘Morally Outraged’ by the sight of two incredibly HOT grown men beating the sh*t out of eachother for ME  . . . but I’m secretly loving ALL OF IT.”

That was AWESOME!  Just like with Cristina, while I logically recognize that Jackson’s uncharacteristically aggressive behavior is sort of a Cry for Help, it’s still CRAZY FUN TO WATCH!  (And let’s face it, Alex the A**hole TOTALLY had it coming . . . )

Speaking of Alex, he later admits to Meredith that he spent the weekend caring for his brother Aaron . . .

 . . . who has just been diagnosed as schizophrenic, after trying to KILL his teenage sister.  Unable to cope with all the family drama, Alex flees, after just a day or two.  And I guess the guilt of not being able to care for his family, caused him to lash out at April. 

*sings*  “Nobody knows . . . the trouble I’ve seen .  . .  nobody knows, the SORROW!”

Yeah . . . OK . . . I’ll admit it . . . your Family Situation really SUCKS, Alex.  But its no excuse to be a DICK to a Nice Virgin.  Just sayin . . .

But Where’s Cristina?

Throughout the episode, Cristina’s friends and colleagues have plotted to confront her at her House Warming Party, and stage an “intervention,” of sorts . . .  The only person who seems to be against that idea is Derek, who himself, is no stranger to “quitting his job” during Sweeps Week.  Nonetheless, McJudgy is out-ranked and out-numbered.  And so, the Intervention is set to occur.  The only problem is that no one find Cristina . . .

Why?  You ask?  Because Derek has kidnapped her . . . and taken her up to the roof of the apartment, where he can ply her with wine, and discuss . . .  home furnishings?

Yeah . . . I didn’t get it either.

Oh, and I almost forgot about Callie . . .

For those of you who haven’t seen the episode, and are curious about Callie’s Big Change Haircut, here it is . . .

Based on the comments I’ve read on various message boards, I’ve come to the conclusion that most of you LIKE the ‘do.  And, while I don’t necesarily disagree, I do have a question or two for you Grey’s fans out there. 

Here goes . . .  (1) At what age do you become TOO OLD to wear rainbow-colored streaks in your hair?  (2) And if there exists such an age, has Callie passed it?

Did I mention that Callie and Mark are moving in together, because “it’s easier to be single together, than alone?”  I smell ANOTHER Friends with Benefits storyline . . . . don’t you? 

Seriously, Grey’s?  I know they’re cute together and all, but HOW MANY TIMES ARE WE GOING TO GO THERE?

Speaking of “Going There,” the trailer for next week’s installment of Grey’s looks so intriguingly bizarre, that I can’t help, but share it with you . . . So, enjoy!

See you next week!

[www.juliekushner.com]

Let’s Play Doctor! – A Recap of Grey’s Anatomy’s “Almost Grown”

Remember when you were a kid, and you used to play doctor . . .  or teacher, or lawyer, or whatever “grown-up” job you happened to be coveting at the time? (For me, it was “firefighter,” but only because I really wanted my own Cute Red Firetruck . . . and, of course, those adorable Dalmations that always seemed to come with it. )

So, you’d put on your tiny lab coat, or hard hat, or your Mom’s suit jacket.  Then, you’d get up in front of your friends or parents, and bluster on with confidence, speaking precisely the way you thought a “grown-up” with that job would sound. 

 

But, eventually, you’d get bored playing dress-up, and go back to watching cartoons . . .

Well, that’s kind of what it felt like our Seattle Grace residents and attendings were doing this week: playing dress-up.  They were pretending to be more mature and responsible than they actually were.  They did this, knowing full well that, if they screwed up, couldn’t perform, or just plain got bored, the “real” grown-ups would be right behind them, waiting to pick up the pieces . . .

The only difference was that Seattle Grace isn’t some kid’s playroom, it’s a HOSPITAL.  And when the “kids” screw up, patients can . . . you know . . . die and stuff.

OOPS!

So, while I applauded the concept of “Residents Play Attendings Day,” and “Attendings Play Chief Day” as a teaching tool, it wouldn’t exactly inspire confidence in me, as a prospective hospital patient.  In other words . . . Seattle Grace?  You be sure to call me, the next time your hospital is “playing dress-up,” and I will try very hard not to become critically ill, on that day . . .

“Doctor McDoody, reporting for DUTY!”

My own personal reservations aside, SOME of our doctors fared quite well in their role-playing, while others seemed desperately in need of training wheels.   Grey’s fans?  Get out your trusty red pens, because it’s time to grade our “students” . . .

THE RESIDENTS

Alex Karev – B+

Good Ole’ Alex.  Here’s a guy who has AWFUL social skills, some serious issues, when it comes to dealing with authority figures, and is almost aggressively immature.  Yet, despite all of these things (or, perhaps, because, of them) he is positively AWESOME at dealing with kids . . .

Anyone else remember this scene?  Because I do . . . A LOT . . . especially at night . . . when I’m DREAMING . . .

Yet, despite Karev’s obvious talent for Pediatrics, his chosen specialty, at least, for now, is “Plastics.”   And why not?  “Plastics” is exactly the type of specialty people would associate with someone like Alex — someone who, on the surface, is shallow, superficial, and “just in it for the money;”  someone who wants to fondle boobies for a living; someone who looks like this . . .

(No offense to all you Plastic Surgeons out there, by the way.  I’m sure you are all really nice people.  Nice people . . . who are certainly smarter and more successful than I am, and, I suspect, better looking too . . .)

So, when Alex’s first case as “Faux Attending” is a Pediatric Breast Reduction, he’s understandably OVER THE MOON about it!  (It’s like a two-for-one special on Alex’s Specialties!)  As Alex is walking down that hospital corridor, envisioning his patient, he’s probably picturing some hot leggy 18-year old model-type, with boobs the size of watermelons . . . someone like Barbie . . . or Jessica Rabbit.

Instead, he gets This Guy . . .

Alex’s patient is 13-years old.  He suffers from a rare glandular problem, which produces an excess amount of estrogen in his system.  (His father suffers from the same condition, making it, presumably, genetic.)  The condition results in the teen having “man boobs,” which have nothing to do with his being out-of-shape, or overweight.  In fact, the patient is quite thin.

What’s unique about this case (aside from the obvious, of course), is that Alex’s patient is NOT the one who needs “managing.”  The teen is GUNG HO about the surgery!  He’s tired of being called Boobie, and having bras taped to his locker.  (Man, middle schoolers can be AWFUL, can’t they?)  He is about to start high school.  And he wants to do it, without having two large bulls eyes taped to his chest . . . literally.

But his parents are concerned.  They think he’s too young to have such major reconstructive surgery.  Furthermore, they don’t see the boobs as being any sort of hinderance to their son’s masculinity or teenage lifestyle.  (In other words, the boy’s parents . . . are TOTAL BOOBS, themselves.)

 And when the boy’s mother learns that Alex, and not Dr. Sloan, will be performing the surgery, she decides immediately to take her child home.  So, Alex, knowing the MAJOR ass kicking this poor kid is about to take, the minute he takes off his shirt for Freshman gym, immediately rushes to Mommy and Daddy (a.k.a. Arizona and Sloan) for help.

(And it was this initial decisiveness, and this alone, that kept Alex from getting an A in my book.)

However, just as the boy’s parents are signing his discharge papers, Alex performs a Hail Mary!

In his own, special, very blunt way, Alex tells the kid’s mother, in no uncertain terms, why her son should be entitled to make his own choice, regarding getting the surgery.  Alex also explains what will likely happen to the kid, if he is not allowed to do so. 

Ultimately, as a result of Alex’s Tough Love, the boy’s parents relent.  And Alex performs the breast reduction surgery, flawlessly.

Well played, Dr. Evil Spawn! 🙂

Meredith Grey – A –

 

Initially, Meredith and Jackson shared a patient, during their “Attending for a Day” game.  She was an older patient, who required SERIOUS brain surgery.  She also had a very ornery partner, who, as it turns out, was rightfully skeptical of Meredith’s and Jackson’s surgical capabilities.  Said girlfriend was also a former teacher . . . and probably the MEANEST teacher her students ever had!

“Don’t sass me, Young Lady, or I will have you expelled so fast, your head will spin!”

Since both “Faux Attendings” couldn’t both carve up the lady’s noggin, Derek decided to engage the pair  in a little “friendly competition,” to determine which candidate was more worthy of wielding a scalpel.

Weirdly enough, the competition involved “egg carving,” which, I guess, is a cross between pumpkin carving . . .

 . . . and that ridiculous “Egg Baby” assignment that they make teens complete in High School Health Class . . .

EGG BROKEN  = FAIL?  I guess nothing preaches abstinence like punishing teens for an “accidental hatching.”

Meredith, hustled by Jackson’s hotness “Scrambled Eggs” routine . . .

. . .  becomes overconfident.  She, therefore, does a piss poor job on her egg carving . . .

“Don’t look at me, I’m HIDEOUS!”

As a result, Meredith loses the opportunity to conduct the solo brain surgery. 

Given that information alone, you may be wondering why she received such a high grade from me.  Well, you see, while the first brain surgery was going on, Lexie called on Meredith to perform another emergency surgery, one which she ultimately completed ALL BY HERSELF, and completely WITHOUT DEREK’S help or supervision. 

Of course, at the time, Lexie didn’t know her patient neeeded brain surgery.   So, it was up to Meredith to diagnose the patient first, which she did, in a matter of seconds, thus saving the patient’s life.  The surgery went swimmingly, which is why Meredith is our top scoring resident, today!  You GO GIRL!

Now, Jackson on the other hand . . .

Jackson Avery – C –

What an EGG HEAD!

The only reason Jackson didn’t get an F today, was because he’s a TOTAL Edward Scissorhands, when it comes to carving eggs.

He also looks like this . . .

That being said, Jackson really sucked the big one, this week!  First he completely botched the brain surgery, forcing Derek to step in and save the day at the last minute.  Then, until Derek stopped him, he was going to TELL THE PATIENT about it, which would have, not only freaked her out, but would have probably resulted in a major lawsuit against Seattle Grace.  And we all KNOW what happened the last time they had a law suit on their hands . . .

April Kepner – C+

We can’t really blame April for doing pretty much exactly what was expected of her . . . no more . . . no less.  But we can blame her for an obvious lack of confidence, and a seeming inability to think for herself.  She was also rather annoying, this week.  And, surely, we can blame her for that.

In April’s defense, she didn’t really get much in the way of guidance on her case.  (Although, wasn’t that kind of the point of this whole excercise?)  After all, for a good three-quarters of the episode, April’s “partner,” Cristina, seemed so quiet and disaffected, the patient in question, thought she was autistic . . .

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, END THIS SUPER-FRUSTRATING PTSD STORYLINE NOW!!!!

April’s and Cristina’s patient is a sweet and refreshingly optimistic older man, who is facing down certain death, if he doesn’t get a lung transplant, ASAP.

The question at hand is whether the patient is healthy enough to even be deemed a viable transplant candidate.  He has a host of medical problems, including possible renal failure and a fungal infection.  He also lacks a strong family support system.

April is confused as to what to do about this patient.  And so she makes her “scared, confused, and slightly annoyed face,” which may very well be the only facial expression the character has in her arsenal . . .

So, April asks Cristina what she should do.  Cristina tells April that she should convene a board panel, to determine whether the patient should be on the transplant list.  So, April convenes a panel.  But she doesn’t know what to say to the board. 

So, she asks Cristina AGAIN!  Cristina tells her that, if Teddy thought the patient was a viable candidate, she probably would have already convened a panel.  Therefore, Teddy probably thinks the patient is not a good transplant candidate.  So, April tells the panel the patient is a bad candidate because .  . . umm . . . ummm . . . because  . . . he  . . . um . . . is old . . . and ummm . . . has uh. . . no family and friends . . . and ummm . . . is sick . . . and ummm . . . will uh . . . probably like die anyway . .  . or . . . something.

OK . . . now I’m scared, confused and slightly annoyed . . . 

Ladies and gentleman, welcome to the Future of Medicine!

Christina Yang – C

Cristina spent most of the episode wandering around dazedly like some sort of PTSD zombie (kind of like she has been for five episodes now).  However, unlike the patient in her care, SHE is (relatively) young, healthy, financially solvent, and actually HAS a support system. 

Specifically, Cristina has Meredith to bolster her confidence.  She has the Chief, Derek, and Teddy to give her the tough love, she so desperately needs now.  And she has her husband, Owen, to hold her, and tell her, “No matter what happens today, you and I are going home together.”

She also has this patient, who, inexplicably, sees something in Cristina that NONE OF US FANS have seen in her for five episodes now: namely, hope.  “Please don’t let me die.  I WANT TO LIVE!”  The patient pleads to a seemingly disaffected Cristina.

And so, at the very last minute, Cristina, like Alex before her, performs a Hail Mary!

She tells the skeptical panel that she has seen 27 transplant cases, and, in all of them, the will to live was the most important factor in the patient’s survival.  Healthwise, this patient may be borderline, but his will to live is strong.  “So, if you give this patient lungs, they will not go to waste, because he will LIVE,” concludes Cristina.

And the board AGREES, because they agree to put the Loveable Old Guy, on the lung transplant list. 

“You were a surgeon today, Yang,” says Teddy (These were the b*tchy doctor’s only kind words the ENTIRE episode, by the way).

And then, Cristina does something she hasn’t done in five episodes . . . she SMILES!

Please LORD, let this be the start of a new trend . . .

Lexie – A –

Poor Lexie!  She is the hospital’s ONLY third-year resident.  Everyone else, apparently is either a fourth-year or an intern.  (Man this hospital is POOR!  Maybe they should spend that “MILLION DOLLARS” hiring some new doctors.)

So, instead of being “Attending for a Day,” Lexie got to be “Everybody’s B*tch.”  But, she was REALLY good at it!  Lexie did everybody’s grunt work flawlessly.  She memorized her patient’s charts.  And, perhaps most importantly, she knew enough to call for help, when she had gotten in over her head.  In other words, this third-year kicked most of the fourth-year’s ASSES! *cough Avery, April, Cristina cough*

You go, GIRL!

THE ATTENDINGS

If you thought the residents did a BAD JOB of playing attendings . . . well, the attendings, did an EVEN WORSE job playing “Chief.”

“Heck, I could have told you that was going to happen!  I was a Bad Chief for an ENTIRE SEASON!”

Apparently, Seattle Grace, which (1) dropped in the rankings from 1 to 13 two seasons ago, and hasn’t come back since; (2) had to cut half its staff last season, because it was so POOR; (3) had to merge with another hospital last season, because it was so POOR; (4) lost 12 doctors in a freak shooting; and (5) has, recently, become known as the hospital you go to when you want to “be shot to death by psychos,” now has a surplus of . . .

“ONE MILLION DOLLARS!”

Yeah . . . I didn’t understand it either .  . .

Nevertheless, the Chief wanted each Attending to explain to him why his or her department should get the money.  As for the presentations, themselves?  Well, let’s just say they were . . . interesting.

Mark Sloan . . .

 . . . argued for a state-of-the-art Plastic Surgery facility, the money earned from which could be used to build a state-of-the-art Burn Victim Unit.  Now, this wasn’t necessarily a bad idea. 

What was BAD, was Sloan’s explanation as to why this would be good for the hospital.  In short, Sloan told the Chief that he should get $1 million dollars, so that he can throw himself into his work.  This way, he can forget about the fact that he’s not getting laid regularly, anymore . . .

SERIOUSLY?

Grade: C

Callie Torres . . .

Had Callie dressed like THIS to her presentation, the Chief might have taken her more seriously . . .

. . . who spent the whole day using immature tactics to psych out her “friends” about their presentations, spent hers talking about what a “Bad Lesbian” she is, and how much better of a lesbian Arizona is than her.  Honestly, I don’t even remember what idea she pitched . . .

Grade: F

Teddy Altman . . .

 . . . spent half the meeting with her nose buried in her note cards, mumbling on and on about stem cell research (Zzzzzzzzzzzz).  She spent the other half of the meeting bad mouthing her colleagues, and their respective specialties.

She also, apparently, forgot to brush her hair, before the meeting.  B*tches never prosper, Teddy!

Grade: D

Arizona Robbins . . .

 . . . spent so much time tossing around tissues, and promising that she wasn’t going to cry, that I can’t even remember how she planned to use the money to save the “Tiny Humans.”  And, honestly, who out there doesn’t think it’s “important to care for Tiny Humans?”

Aside from HIM . . .

How can ANYONE flub up a presentation, who’s sole purpose is to reiterate something with which EVERYONE ALREADY AGREES?

Grade: C-

Derek Shepard . . .

 . . . fared slightly better, by appealing to the Chief’s love for Meredith’s mother, and his paternal relationship with Meredith, herself.  Derek wants to use the money toward research of a cure for Alzheimers. 

 I liked what Derek said about real cures coming, not from pure science, but from indiviual doctors, and their belief in the futures of much-loved prospective patients, like Meredith. 

What I didn’t like, was that Derek’s plan was just a teensy bit selfish.  I also  didn’t like that Meredith misplaces her keys once, and forgets what day of the week it is (after working 13-hour shifts EVERY DAY, getting four hours of sleep a night, and literally spending 24-7 with ALL THE PEOPLE SHE WORKS WITH) and genius Dr. Derek immediately assumes the early 30-something has Alzheimers . . .

Derek . . . it’s called “BEING TIRED,” get used to it . . .

Grade: B –

Miranda Bailey . . .

 . . .immediately recognized this whole “Surplus Thing” for the Crock of Sh*t it really was.  And so, she suggested spending money on realistic day-to-day things the hospital actually needed: the replacement of broken and out-of-date machines, and a new nurse on the night shift. 

Chief Webber, who is often known for having his head up his ass in the clouds, chastized Bailey for her lack of creativity.  Yet, I thought she had the best (certainly, the most practical) plan out of EVERYBODY!

Grade: A

Owen Hunt . . .

 . . . was clearly the emotional favorite of the evening.  His discussion of The Shooting, and how a number of the lives lost could have been saved, had the doctors’ on staff received Trauma Training (most notably the initially maligned, but posthumously loved, Dr. Percy . . .)

 . . . undoubtedly brought tears to the eyes of many Grey’s fans.  And, perhaps, psychologically, receiving such training would be cathartic for the doctors at the hospital.  If nothing else, it would provide them with confidence of knowing that, if such a catastrophe were to happen again, they would have the tools necessary to handle it. 

So, I understand why Owen ultimately won the grant . . .

 And yet, I can’t help but wonder if this is the best use for money that the struggling hospital so DESPERATELY needs for other things (like a Night Nurse and new medical equipment).  

Don’t get me wrong, The Shooting was certainly awful.  Yet, what are the chances really of lightning striking twice in the same place?

Then again, this is Seattle.  And, if we’ve learned anything, during the past seven seasons, it’s that this hospital tends to be a really magnet for All that is Stormy and Electric!

Grade: A –

Here’s hoping that Chief Webber’s ominous prophecy, at the end of the episode, that “there are about to be some major changes [at this hospital]” doesn’t signify the coming of yet another Major Storm . . . 

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