“Do you like Scary
Movies Television Episodes? Because, you are in one, Stiles!”
You know those movies, where there’s this ragtag bunch of teenagers, who get trapped in the same building as a serial killer? So, they scream, cry, make pop culture references, and run around a lot, while they wait for the killer to casually pick them off, one by one, in increasingly creative ways?
That’s sort of how this episode felt for me . . . well, aside from the fact that the “serial” killer was this cheesy-looking, red-eyed, wolfy sort of thing, and none of the main characters actually died. But, you get the idea . . .
Aside from serving as a fun-little tribute to the old-school teen slasher movies of the nineties, this week’s installment of Teen Wolf also marked a shift in the relationships between the main characters. FINALLY, our Scooby Gang (and, I suspect, many viewers) have stopped hero-worshipping Scott. This week, our so-called hero gladly embraced that selfish wolfy douchiness that always seemed to lurk beneath the surface of his “Gee golly, I’m just so darn sweet and naive,” persona.
Don’t worry Scott! We still think you’re pretty . . . a pretty douchebag . . . but pretty, nonetheless.
Also, this week kicked off the start of the Game of Couples’ Musical Chairs that always plays such a big role in every teen drama. Because, let’s face it, monogamy is for OLD PEOPLE!
Sorry Stiles! You STILL aren’t getting laid any time soon . . .
And, of course, this week was the week that all of our characters’ FINALLY woke up and smelled the werewolf sweat. Yes, boys and girls, that weird thing attacking you every week is not a mountain lion . . . not even close!
So, what are we waiting for, Werebangers? It’s time to get SLASHED!
Stiles and Scott are in the Closet (SURPRISE!)
“Uhhh . . . Scott ?”
“Is that your hand on my hot dog, or are you just happy I’m not the Alpha?”
When we last left our terrible twosome, they were both seen racing for shelter in the high school, after coming face-to-face with a hungry Alpha, who may or may not have made Scott’s boss disappear, and who definitely did gut Derek McSexyPants like a fish, right before their very eyes!
“Hey, Scott! Look what I caught us for dinner! I’ve been told
by Aunt Kate that he tastes just like chicken.”
The pair pull the heavy double doors shut behind them. However, they know they just can’t stand there holding them closed, forever! Eventually, Alpha is GOING to overpower them, and come inside to play. So, Stiles gets an idea.
From the window, he sees an object, located just a few feet away, that might just hold the doors closed long enough for the teens to seek shelter inside the school. (At first I thought it was a pair of pliers, but it could very well have been a wrapped up jump rope.) Whatever it was, Stiles boldly manages to get outside, retrieve the object, and fasten it to the door, just moments before the Alpha has a chance to get into the school. (PHEW! Except . . . well . . . the Alpha gets inside, a few moments later, anyway . . . so . . . so much for that.)
Oh yeah, and I almost forgot. Remember Stiles’ trusty car? The one he rarely gave Scott a ride in, even though the latter spent like the first five episodes, commuting on that dorky bike of his?
Well, apparently, the Alpha remembered too. And it made him MAD!
“Hey Stiles! Guess who’s taking a big Alpha-sized dump on your car? I hope you have a good air freshener!”
The episode’s first unofficial victim is claimed, when the Alpha DESTROYS the roof of Scott’s car, and tosses its battery through the window of the school, so it lands just feet away from where Scott and Stiles are hiding.
(It looks like it might be SOMEBODY ELSE’S turn to use a bike, huh?)
Not wanting to see what other strange objects the Alpha will toss at their heads, Scott and Stiles decide to enter a locker (possibly together). *insert porn music here*
The only problem is that the mean night-shift janitor finds them in there. I’m thinking this janitor must be deaf, as he has apparently not heard, the BREAKING OF GLASS AS THE CAR BATTERY CAME THROUGH THE SCHOOL WINDOW, nor has he heard all the GROWLING AND SCREAMING THAT HAS TAKEN PLACE DURING THE SHOW’S FIRST TEN MINUTES. Rather, Mr. Janitor simply assumes that Scott and Stiles are nothing more than two crazy kids who wanted to have sex in a locker (Those darn kids!). So, he kicks their asses out!
Best peep show ever!
He’ll pay for that! In about five minutes, the Janitor has been attacked by the Alpha, who is now dragging the poor wage-earner’s lifeless body across the cheap linoleum floor. Something tells me this high school is going to be VERY dirty tomorrow.
Stiles and Scott continue to be stalked by the Alpha, until they manage to trap it in a storage closet of some sort. However, eventually the Alpha crawls up the ceiling vents and escapes, leaving the boys on the run, once again.
Hey Allison! I’m getting stalked by an Evil Beast! It’s SUPER FUN! Come join me!
“Hi, you’ve reached Scott’s phone! I’m in the closet with Stiles now, but if you leave a message, I’ll call you back as soon as we both come out.”
So, remember after Bowling Night, when Allison promised Scott that their next date would be a solo affair? Apparently, Allison doesn’t either, because, here she is, waiting to meet up with a seriously tardy Scott, as serial double daters, Jackson and Lydia impatiently tap their feet.
LYDIA: “Why don’t you sit in the car and wait? It’s much warmer here on Jackson’s lap!”
JACKSON: “You know, if you and I had sex in the back of my car right now, Scott and Lydia would never have to find out.”
LYDIA: “I’m right here . . . you know!
Jackson: ” . . . “
But then, Allison gets a text from “Scott” saying that he is at the school. So, off they go! (Can you say, “WHIPPED?”) When the threesome arrive at the school, conditions look super-shady, and the front door looks broken into (Gee, I wonder why?) And yet, Allison (who, for someone genetically predispositioned to be a hunter, has NO self-preservation instinct, WHATSOEVER), decides it would be totally safe to go in there, anyway.
Jackson (who is looking significantly hotter this week . . . perhaps, due to the surprising lack of zombie makeup he is wearing, and/or a dearth of claws coming out of his mouth) uses this as an opportunity to eye f*&K Allison to near-pregnancy, right in front of his girlfriend (NOT COOL!), while still pretending to be “super concerned” for her well-being.
And yet, I notice Mr. Puny Pants never offers to go into the school with her. (Girlfriend Stealer, FAIL!) Nonetheless, Allison (who is sort of slutty, anyway), definitely seems receptive to Alpha Male Douchebag’s flirtations. It must be because of that extra special “heart-to-heart” they shared in front of the lockers, last week.
Allison returns the eye f*&k to Jackson, and with her best “Come hither” stare, tells him, “I’ll be right back.”
Woah! What’s with the clown makeup, and the fish face? Not exactly a great look for you, honey. Fortunately, Jackson and Scott both only seem to stare at your chest . . .
Silly Allison! Have you NEVER seen the Scream movies (or any horror movie, for that matter). Don’t you know that those words are the Kiss of Death?
Famous last words, and adulterous eye f*&king aside, this episode featured the most likeable version of Jackson we’ve probably seen, since the series premiered. Gone were the cocky posturing . . . the zombie death stare . . . and the Big Bully attitude. This week, Jackson was just a boy with a crush on a girl, who just so happened to be taken . . . oh, and a nasty wolf hickey on his neck. But hey . . . nobody is perfect, right?
Bodily Functions and Skinny Dips
Speaking of neck hickeys, Jackson and Lydia notice that not only is Stiles car TOTALLY TOTALED, it also has weird scratch marks on its surface . . . scratch marks that are remarkably similar to the ones on the back of Jackson’s neck . . .
I’m not sure whether Stiles’ car insurance covers WOLF MAULINGS . . .
FINALLY, Jackson and Lydia decide to go in and retrieve Allison, but only because Lydia needs the bathroom. (What a sweet, caring couple these two are! It’s like a Hallmark card in the making.)
Jackson grumbles at Lydia for having the gall to interrupt his hot Allison-centric fantasy with her human need to pee. Lydia makes some remark about not being able to control her bodily functions,
which sounds like an invitation to sex, if I ever heard one. In response, Jackson notes that he is starting to have a problem with ALL of her bodily functions. (Guess the sex is really boring between these two bloom is finally off the rose on this, let’s face it, never-particularly-hot romantic pairing.)
While Lydia is exploring her bodily functions, Jackson gets an eye-full, but not in a way he expects or hopes . . .
Meanwhile, Allison is contemplating going for a swim . . .
Personal Question: Do (or did) you guys have Olympic-sized swimming pools at your high school? Because I didn’t. And, honestly, the outdoor set they use for Beacon Hills High School on this show looks too small to have one either . . .
“Oh, HI ALPHA! I almost didn’t notice you there! Look at you, always SMILING! What a Happy Little Predator you are!”
But, I digress . . .
Allison is at the pool, when she gets a call from “Stiles,” or, rather, Scott, who is using Stile’s phone. (This, of course, got me wondering when Allison became tight enough with Stiles to get his digits. Don’t get me wrong, I like the idea of these two being buddies. I just always thought Allison was too busy tonguing Scott all the time, to notice sweet little Stiles. Perhaps, she took his number, after Scott “lost his phone?”
Reunited and it Feels So . . . AHHHHHH! RUNNNNNN!
Using his Big Ole Wolf Ears, Scott is actually able to hear Allison’s phone ringing by the pool, and quickly realizes that she is in the school with him! As it turns out, SCOTT wasn’t actually the one who texted Allison about coming to the school . . . ALPHA did!
(which confuses me, because I thought Scott’s cell phone has been broken all this time, thanks to Derek SLAMMING IT INTO A WALL . . . perhaps, the Alpha works for Verizon)
Scott instructs Allison to meet him in the school lobby, ASAP. And it is there that the entire Scooby Gang is reunited. (YAY! Now, they can all die together! BONDING EXPERIENCE!)
Every man’s dream . . .
Unfortunately, the Scooby Gang’s “Happy Reunion” is short-lived. Soon the group’s ears are bombarded with creepy scratching sounds emmanating from the ceiling of the school, presumably coming from the vents. MAN, this Alpha gets AROUND!
Adorably, the group all grab hands and run together into a chemistry lab. Thinking fast, or rather, not thinking much at all, they all start rushing to bar the doors from the Alpha’s inevitable entrance with anything they can get their hands on.
Not surprisingly, it’s Stiles who kindly reminds them, “Gee, that’s great, but what about the HUGE WALL OF WINDOWS on the other side of the room that were seemingly made specifically for Alpha entrance.
There will be plenty of time to worry about Death By Window-Breaking Alpha later. For now, the Scooby Gang wants answers from Scott as to what the heck is going on. They want the TRUTH!
However, since Scott has decided that his buddies “can’t handle the truth,” he decides to LIE . . .
. . . and blame all the murders that have taken place, in addition to the school stalking, on Poor Derek McSexyPants!
Even Stiles, who has never been a particualrly big fan of Derek’s, thinks this is a TOTAL DICK MOVE!
There isn’t much time to discuss it though. The Scooby Gang has bigger fish to fry . . . like, for example, whether Scott and Stiles have tried calling the cops yet. Stiles has the answer to that question! (And it doesn’t even involve throwing a friend under the bus! Go figure!)
Think Tank for Dummies . . .
Earlier, Scott was under (rightly) fire, because the rest of the Gang (most notably Allison) seemed skeptical about the whole “Derek as Cold Blooded Killer” idea. Now, it is Stiles’ turn to face the Inquisition, as HE seems to be the one patently against calling the cops. Why, you ask? Because he was worried about Papa Stiles getting hurt again, that’s why!
The family that eats curly fries together . . . stays together.
Despite Stiles’ protests, Lydia pulls out her cell phone and calls the cops, herself. And get this . . . they DON’T BELIEVE HER! Apparently, someone *cough the Alpha cough* “warned” the police that someone might be prank calling them about a disturbance at the high school. Now the Gang is crap out of luck. Or are they?
Jackson suggests that Stiles call his dad, PERSONALLY. Again, Stiles balks. Then, Jackson starts dissing on Stiles’ dad. BAD MOVE, JACKSON!
YEAH! Way to GO STILES! Look who’s got a kick ass RIGHT HOOK!
Always a sucker for a weenie, Allison of course, rushes to comfort the wimpering Jackson . . .
Now, it’s Scott’s turn to have an idea!
(Honestly, I didn’t know he was capable of original thought.)
He’s going to go get the key to the back door of the lab off of Dead Janitor, so the Scooby Gang can escape!
This worries Allison, who, of course, doesn’t know Scott is a wolf, and therefore thinks he will be purposefully putting himself in
the Alpha “Derek’s” crosshairs completely unarmed (which, lets face it, he basically will be). More importantly, Allison can tell that Scott is TOTALLY lying about why he ended up at the school in the first place, and what exactly the group is running from.
*sings* “Babe, I love you so . . . and I want you to know . . . that I’m . . . gonna miss your love . . . the minute you walk out that door. PLEASE DON’T GO!”
Jackson absolutely gets off on the fact that his future girl toy, Allison, thinks her soon-to-be old boyfriend is a Big Fat Liar . . .
Currently having a wet dream about Allison . . .
However, he’s considerably less happy about THIS . . .
After Allison extracts her tongue from Scott’s mouth, she warns him not to approach the Alpha unarmed. Scott finds a stick of some sort to use against the creature that GUTTED DEREK HALE, and apparently thinks that will suit him just fine. (DOOFUS!) Fortunately, Lydia has a better idea . . .
Considering the group is in a science lab, why not make a Molotov Cocktail to BLOW UP THE ALPHA! (Well, I have to say, Lydia, I’m impressed with your Science Geekdom / Hidden Pyromaniacal Tendencies.) Jackson wasn’t as impressed though. He hates the fact that he has a girlfriend that might be smarter than he is. That’s why he wants to date Allison . . . because she’s so much better at playing dumb, than Lydia.
Speaking of playing dumb, how many of you think that Jackson INTENTIONALLY “forgot” to give Lydia one of the ingredients she asked for to make the Molotov Cocktail, so that Scott’s attempt at making the Alpha go BOOM ended up being a TOTAL BUST?
THIS GUY apparently thinks so!
Useless Molotov Cocktain in hand, Scott heads to the locker room where he last saw the Unfortunate Janitor. Except, apparently the Janitor has pulled a Weekend at Bernies’ on Scott, and has decided instead to wait for him on the bleachers in the gym . . .
Scott and Alpha = Love at First Hump!
“Kiss me, you fool!”
Scott quickly (and oh-so-conveniently) immediately finds the right key, and “borrows” it from Dead Janitor. Unfortunately, our so-called Hero is not alone with the Dead Guy. He’s got company!
“Hey SCOTT! Let’s shoot some hoops, buddy! I’ve got a stellar jump shot!”
Alpha is apparently pretty tech-savvy, because he figures out the mechanism that gets the bleachers to close in on Scott . . .
With no where to run . . . and nowhere to hide, Scott, eventually finds him face to face with the Alpha . . . LITERALLY. With his hot skanky Dead Janitor breath, Alpha emits a low growl, which immediately causes Scott to wolf out and GO EVIL! Now, he’s heading back to the chemistry lab with his newfound key . . . and a KILLER INSTINCT!
BAD SCOTT! Stop TRYING TO EAT YOUR FRIENDS or there will be no doggy treats for you!
We’ve seen Scott like this before, so there’s no big shock here. What is more shocking is that Jackson seems to react to the howl too. He doesn’t wolf out, or anything. However, he DOES double over in pain, as his Derek-provided neck hickey flares up once again. (I’m still not sure where they are going with this whole “Jackson Thing.” But I’m defintiely intrigued by it.)
“Ummm . . . guys? I think I just pooped my pants.”
Wolfman Scott is ready to attack, when he starts having an Allison Montage in his brain *gag*, and reverts back to normal . . . (PHEW! That was close.)
And They All Lived Miserably Ever After . . .
Right on cue, the Most Useless Cops in the World (Aren’t they ALWAYS USELESS in these types of shows and movies?) arrive on the scene. The Scooby Gang is relieved . . .
“PEEKABOO! We see YOU!”
Once safely outside of the school, Scott and Stiles attempt to tell Papa Stiles about Dead Janitor and, possibly, Dead Derek, but Papa Stiles, of course, doesn’t believe them.
And why should he? The cops already inspected the inside of the school and the parking lot, and there are NO DEAD BODIES TO BE FOUND!
You know who HAS BEEN FOUND, however? The Creepy Uber Suspicious Vet, who was “magically” able to escape the Alpha
because they are obviously working together, and keeps slyly remarking on what a “hero” Scott is for “saving his life.”
Then Allison randomly decides to dump Scott, because she
is bored of their nauseatingly sweet relationship and would rather bone Alpha Male Douchebag Jackson, for a change doesn’t think he’s been completely honest about the whole Homicidal Maniac / Creature of Doom Stalking Him at School Thing. And that means, “She can’t trust him.”
“Awwww! Come on, Allison! Did you not see that beautiful
super cheesy montage I had of you, that kept me from murdering all your friends? Have you no taste for romance?”
To make matters even worse, Scott then decides to confide in Stiles about the Alpha’s true intention. He (or she) wants Scott as part of his pack, but not until SCOTT kills his OLD PACK, which includes . . . wait for it . . . Stiles, Allison, Jackson (HUH? REALLY?) and Lydia (Ummm . . . no?).
Wait . . . but that’s not even the worst part! The WORST PART, is that AS A WOLF, Scott actually WANTED TO EAT ALL HIS FRIENDS . . . and Jackson. 🙂
Awwww! Don’t cry, Stiles! I’ll protect you!
So, in short, everybody finishes off this episode worse off than when they started . . . well . . . almost everybody.
“WEEEEE! I’m the KING OF THE WORLD!”
And that was Night School, in a nutshell! (Special thanks to Andre again for the awesome screencaps!)
So, now it’s your turn, Werebangers . . . What did you think of this episode? How unintentionally hilarious / cheesy is the Alpha . . . and who the heck is it? Why do YOU think Allison really dumped Scott? What do you think Stiles is going to do, now that he knows that his bestie sort of / kind of wants to eat him (and not in a good way)? And, most importantly, will Derek come back shirtless to rescue us all?
Tune in next week, to find out! See ya then!