ARIA: “Don’t look now. But I think someone’s watching us.”
HANNA: “Well, of course, someone is watching us! It’s ‘A’. ‘A’ is always watching us! Where exactly have you BEEN these past two seasons, Aria?”
ARIA: “Ummm . . . in Fitzy’s pants?”
HANNA: *rolls eyes*
EMILY: “Uhhh . . . guys . . . I don’t think it’s ‘A,’ this time. I think it’s those Recapper Girls. I heard they are doing a liveblog on us.”
SPENCER: “A LIVEBLOG?! No one does a LIVEBLOG on us, and gets away with it. They MUST BE STOPPED!”
Greetings, my Pretties! As you know, tomorrow marks the last episode of PLL, before the show heads into its interminable Fall Hiatus . . .
But don’t worry! My pal, Sassyfran, over at Random Recaps and I have decided to send this show off, in style, with a LIVEBLOG!
“What the f*&k is a liveblog, and what does it have to do with ME?”
Well, I’m glad you asked, Spencer! A liveblog is kind of like a chat room where you can talk (well, more accurately, “type”) about the PLL Mid-Season Finale with other fabulous fangirls (and boys), like yourself, while the show is airing.
Or, if you’re shy, just read along. And let US do the work for you!
Yeah . . . not that kind of work, Hanna. I was thinking more along the lines of . . . you know . . . TYPING and stuff!
In addition to covering the play-by-play of the episode, and repeatedly cooing over the hotness of the show’s cast (Comments like “OMG! HE IS SO GORGEOUS!” are, of course, inevitable, in these types of forums, and TOTALLY welcome!) . . .
. . . Sassyfran and I will also be regaling you with screenshots from the episode, hot photos of the cast, and fun live polls, in which can take part.
Of course, if you miss the liveblog, and want to check it out, after the episode airs, you can do that too!
“This is very suspicious. We are going to have to investigate this.”
For those of you who have never taken part in a liveblog before, here’s an example of one we did for The Vampire Diaries’ Season 2 finale, back in March.
Oh, and just a quick note, because we had some confusion last year. A LiveBlog is not the same thing as a LiveStream.
Unfortunately, the technology we have available to us from CoverItLive does not allow us to stream the episode to other viewers, over the internet. It provides “chat” services only. There are a number of other websites that will stream the episode for you, of course. However, us fangirls don’t have the resources – or the necessary legal approval – to offer you that particular service. Sorry, in advance! (You still like us, anyway . . . don’t you?)
So, if you are up for celebrating The Pretty Little Liars’ Mid-Season Finale with a couple of crazy fangirl bloggers, who share a love of snarky commentary, wild plot speculation, and Abs Toby . . .
CLICK HERE at 8 p.m. (Eastern Standard Time) on Tuesday, August 30th!
Until then, feel free to watch (and rewatch, and rewatch . . .) this ABC Family preview for PLL’s Summer Finale episode (which, by the way, is entitled, eerily enough, “Over My Dead Body”) . . .
And here’s a Sneak Peek from the Upcoming Episode. (Shrinkypoo! Where are YOU?)
SPENCER: “Nice to be stood up by your OWN therapist . . .”
HANNA: “She better not be charging us for this . . .”
EMILY: “Do you smell something? I think I smell a dead body.”
HANNA: “That might be me. I just puked up coconut shrimp, right before I got here.”
EMILY: “Nope, it’s definitely a corpse-like smell . . .”
ARIA: “Aww, crap! Not again!”
Greetings, my Pretties! Can you believe there is only one PLL episode left in the summer season? It seems like only yesterday, that I was contemplating whether Creepy, Then-Only Possibly-Dead, Pedo Zombie Ian was somehow related to that Blueberry-looking chick from the Willy Wonka movies . . .
Good times!
Eleven episodes later, Ian is DEFINITELY dead. And if the last few minutes of “I Must Confess” are any indication, “A’s” body count may very well be on the rise. So, take a big hefty swig out of your vodka-spiked water bottle, make an appointment with your therapist, and set a dinner date with your long lost significant other, because it’s time for another PLL recap . . .
Why You Shouldn’t Call Emily the Weakest Link, Anymore . . .
Because I ran all the way to my therapist’s office, and only got slightly sweaty . . .
The episode begins with Emily receiving a pre-dawn text from “A,” and dashing out of her bedroom, in a panic. Emily remains missing for hours, leaving her new girlfriend roommate, Hanna, and the rest of the PLL girls, to worry over her whereabouts. We then see Emily running frantically through the woods, and winding up right outside Dr. Anne Sullivan’s office. She NEEDS to talk . . .
“Geez, Emily. You ran all the way here? Would a SHOWER have killed you? Some of us have to work in this office.”
However, by the time she arrives at the office, the rest of the girls are already there waiting for her. Apparently, they need to talk too . . .
“Haha! We beat you!”
Way to be a loyal friend, Emily! After some prodding, the girls evenually reveal to Shrinkypoo that “A” has been targetting Emily, specifically, for her weakness. Apparently, she (or he?) believes that, of the four girls, Emily is the “toughest nut to crack.” Also, it’s clearly her turn.
As it turns out, the text Emily received that morning relates to Aria. It shows a picture of her cleaning Fitzy’s teeth with her tongue. Underneath it is the phase, “Clue Ella [a.k.a. Mama Montgomery] in, and I will let YOU out.”
ARIA: “Fitzy? Is that Jackie I taste on your tongue? Have you been cheating on me?”
FITZY: “No, I just ate Jackie . . . because, I’m secretly a vampire . . . and because Jackie is LAME.”
ARIA: “Oh . . . good call.”
Hey guys, remember when “A” pulled this same trick on HANNA a few episodes back, and it actually worked?
“Way to rub it in, Recapper! That was actually a very dark time in my life.”
Apparently, someone needs to update their “Unique Ways to Torture PLL Girls’ Handbook . . . and STAT!
One of the best lines of the episode, came when Spencer saw the picture, and wryly noted that, had Aria’s mom ACTUALLY seen it, she probably would have assumed it was “Spencer . . . slutting it up” rather than her own daughter . . .”
“Hey, I am NOT a slut, Mama Montgomery! How many sluts do you know that wear My Little Pony sweaters?”
You can see a slight sense of relief pass over the girls, as they FINALLY tell someone outside their social circle about “A” (though they conveniently leave out most of the juicy stuff . . . you know, like the Jenna Thing . . . and Dead Ian). No matter, Shrinkypoo seems sufficiently horrified by what she is hearing anyway, and wonders out loud why the girls have waited this long to come forward about what was happening to them . . .
“Ooh, this sh*t is JUICY! I think I’ll go try and sell the idea to ABC Family, as a television series! I’ll just have to insist that they get Angelina Jolie to play me.”
The next day at school, Shrinkypoo makes an appearance at school, during which she makes a speech to the student body about the dangers of Cyber Bullying . . .
“Yeah A! That poster is totally on to you!”
While Shrinkypoo is giving her speech, we get a series of reaction shots from the rest of the cast. The PLL girls look kind of horrified . . .
Blind Jenna looks evil. (But, then again, she pretty much always looks like that . . .)
Annoying Mona looks like she’s practicing for a time twenty years in the future, when she has to get her first Botox injections, and finds herself no longer capable of forming realistic facial expressions . . .
“I know you can’t tell from my face. But I am VERY, VERY upset about this whole Bullying Thing.”
After the assembly, Hanna is FURIOUS with Shrinkypoo! She feels like the therapist pretty much took her clothes off in public (Then again, this might just be a side effect of her late night phone sex sessions, with Caleb.)
“I just feel so violated! Now, everybody knows what my Lily looks like!”
Conversely, Emily found Shrinkypoo’s speech empowering. And she shows her newfound strength when Big Bad Blind Bully Jenna approaches the girls, and makes some snide remark about how Dead Ali was the biggest Cyber Bully of them all . . . “I guess it takes a bully to know one, Jenna. Now, move your stick. Other people are trying to pass you!” Emily sneers.
“Yeah, and while you are at it, why don’t you take your little stick and shove it up Police Boy Garrett’s ass!”
“You GO, EMILY!”
Why You Should Never Leave Hanna Alone with Your Wedding Dress . . .
Hanna is trying to play nice with Facelift Kate, after the whole “I Said Crappy Stuff About You on the Loudspeaker at Some Horse Farm, and You Threatened to Turn Me into Glue” thing. So, she asks Spencer to get her some old smelly horse books to give to Facelift Kate, as a form of apology . . . you know, because Spencer – like most people who own My Little Pony Sweaters – is an expert on smelly horse books.
I don’t know, Hanna . . . if I was trying to make someone forget about an incident that occurred at a HORSE Farm, I would probably start by NOT GIVING THEM BOOKS ABOUT HORSES . . . just a suggestion.
Then, Hanna’s grandma makes a random appearance at school . . .
Apparently, she needs a copy of Hanna’s house keys, and wants Hanna to take her to the bathroom, so that she can “wipe the dew off her lily.”
And if that statement means what I think it means, that’s pretty much the most disgusting request I have ever heard someone make on prime time television, EVER! (Just a note, boys and girls, if an adult ever asks you to go into the bathroom with them, and “wipe the dew off their lily,” that’s when you RUN AWAY . . . FAST! NO JOKE! I assure you that Granny is fully capable of wiping the dew off her OWN LILY! And if she isn’t, she should probably be in an assisted living facility, where trained nurses can do it for her. Just sayin . . .)
Back at home, Hanna is busy having Phone Sex with Caleb . . .
. . . when she gets a call on the other line from her dad. AWKWARD! Apparently, Daddy wants her to give a toast to the new happy couple, with Kate, at the engagement party. (Gee Dad? Aren’t toasts supposed to be like . . . I don’t know . . . spontaneous, or something? It kind of defeats the purpose of a toast when you TELL someone they have to say good stuff about you.) Hanna looks like she’d rather have all her fingernails plucked off than have to give a speech with Kate. But she agrees to it anyway, because she is trying to be the “good daughter.”
Oddly enough though, Grandma Marin, of the Dewy Lily Club, is TOTALLY NOT COOL with her son’s upcoming nuptials. In fact, she, more or less compares the upcoming event to cows getting slaughtered . . . (Boy, this woman sure loves her metaphors, doesn’t she?)
“I’d rather become a Sloppy Joe, than help you get the dew off your lily . . .”
When Hanna’s mom comes home, Grandma Marin tells her that she looks like Condoleeza Rice . . . which, I guess, is supposed to be a compliment . . .
Yeah . . . I don’t really see the resemblance . . . Hillary Clinton, maybe, but not Condy . . .
Granny then tells her ex-daughter in law, that she should pretend that she’s starring in the last five minutes of Every Romantic Comedy Film Ever Written, and stop her son’s wedding. Mama Marin is NOT amused . . .
“First of all, I look nothing like Condoleeza Rice. Second of all, stop making my daughter touch your lily!”
At Papa Marin’s Super Snooty Engagement Party, Grandma Dewy Lily is being hilariously rude to her son’s guests, which makes me fall a bit in love with her, despite having kind of a bad first impression.
“Why should I bother learning any of your names? My son’s to be divorced again in about two months . . .”
Meanwhile, Hanna is trying to mend fences with the super slimy Facelift Kate, who’s acting nice on the surface, but is so obviously being fake, that I can’t, for the life of me, understand how Hanna isn’t picking up on it.
“Oh, Hanna! It is so good to see you! I would very much like to rip that blonde hair at of your head, lift my leg, and pee on your bloody skull. I can’t wait to become your SISTER!“
Facelift Kate takes this opportunity to show Hanna her mom’s wedding dress, which, of course, is NOT WHITE. (That one clearly hasn’t been a virgin in a VERRRRRRRY long time!)
“Believe it or not, this is the same dress my Mom wore when she married my dad . . . It was white back then . . .”
Facelift Kate pulls out her purse, and extracts what she claims are two water bottles filled with vodka. She offers some “liquid courage” to Hanna as the two plan out their toast. Hanna seems hesitant at first, but sheer stupidity peer pressure wins out in the end, and she decides to chug-a-lug.
“I’ll get you my Pretty, and your little Lily too!”
As a viewer, I figured out immediately, that Facelift Kate had manipulated the water bottles to sabotage Hanna. (I actually thought she was goin to do something way worse, like lip her a Roofie, or something.) But I could also see how Hanna — given her insecurities regarding her newfound popularity and her relationship with her dad — might put her misgivings aside, and go along with this Rich B*tch, in hopes of being accepted by her, and “fitting in” to this new family. Seeing Hanna get gradually more intoxicated, as the evening wore on, was pretty darn funny . . . and yet, kind of sad too, since we all knew this wasn’t going to end well . . .
When Facelift Kate conveniently steps outside for a bit, Hanna starts drunkenly dancing around with her stepmonster’s dress, gets dizzy, and TOTALLY YAKS all over the darn thing!
Before . . .
After . . .
The evil wench, of course, sees the whole thing go, down, smirks triumphantly, and heads off to give the toast by herself.
After the party, Papa Marin goes into the ladies’ room (What the heck is with this family following eachother into bathrooms?!) He’s FURIOUS with his daughter for getting wasted, and bailing on the toast. Hanna argues that Facelift Kate was drinking too, but Papa said SHE was poised and mature during the toast, unlike his Alchy of a DAUGHTER!
Grandma Awesome sticks up for Hanna, insisting that Papa should take it easy on her. After all, it’s not like she PUKED ON THE BRIDE, which is what Grandma would have done! When Facelift Kate returns, Grandma TOTALLY has her number, yanks her purse away from her, and extracts the two water bottles.
“Mmm! Smells like breakfast!”
Of course, the one Kate was drinking was plain water, whereas Hanna’s was PURE VODKA.
Granny gives a miserable, and sure to be VERY hungover tomorrow morning Hanna a hug, and takes her favorite granddaughter home to sleep it off . . . Ooh! I HATE FACELIFT KATE! I can’t wait to see what Hanna has planned for her revenge! It better be something GOOD!
Why You Should Never Discount Your Ex-Girlfriends . . . Even While they are in De-Gaying Camp . . .
“This is what I’m going to use to smack Granny for rearranging my cabinets, without permission.”
While Hanna is busy changing her stepmonster’s wedding dress from gawdy gold to puke brown (with coconut shrimp chunks), Emily is at home with Mama Marin having a heart-to-heart. (Isn’t it weird / sort of sad that Emily’s relationship with Hanna’s mom seems way more affectionate and honest than her relationship with her own?) Emily asks Mama Marin if she is upset about being home, while her former husband marries a Rich B*tch with an Evil Spawn of a Daughter . . . Mama Marin admits that it’s hard, but that she’s doing her best to get by. (I’m sure it helps to Mama Marin to know that Granny is going to make that Evil Wench’s life ABSOLUTELY MISERABLE!)
Then Mama’s maternal instincts kick in, and she asks Emily what’s going on between her and Samara.
“Well, actually, I think she left the show to play a supernatural creature on The Vampire Diaries, like all my ex-girlfriends eventually do.”
When Emily explains that there are still a lot of unanswered questions in her relationship with Samara, Mama Marin notes that, when you have unanswered questions in a relationship, it’s best to . . . you know . . . ASK THE OTHER PERSON ABOUT THEM. (Duh!) Shortly thereafter, we see Emily waiting at a restaurant for somebody.
And we THINK it’s going to be Samara . . .
“Nope! Guess again!”
So, you can imagine our surprise (Well, at least those of us who hadn’t read the spoilers were surprised!) when the person who sits down at the other end of the table is . . . wait for it . . . MAYA!
Looking good, Maya! De-gaying camp, has done wonders for your complexion!
That’s right, boys and girls! Fresh from De-Gaying Camp, Emily’s first girlfriend has clawed her way out of the PLL Vortex for Lost Significant Others, and right back into Emily’s heart. I have to say, it was cute, how well these two seemed to relate to one another. And, considering how EFFED up, sexually confused, and emotionally abused by her mom Emily was, when she FIRST started dating Maya, it was great to see our Emily looking all happy, horny and evolved, this time around.
If you know me, you know I wasn’t Maya’s biggest fan, the first time around. However, she definitely won me over with her little jab at Emily’s ex-girlfriend “Little Orphan Bitchy.”
BOO! Hiss!
“She shoved your head underwater, and you STILL DATED HER! Man, I didn’t come back a moment too soon!” (Truer words were never spoken, Maya.)
Foreplay?
And then, Emily and Girlfriend #1 lived Happily Ever After . . . (at least until next week, when “A” will probably try to decapitate Emily and blame on Maya, or something else awful like that . . . No relationship is sacred on this show . . .)
Speaking of relationships, “A” has yet to ruin . . .
Why You Shouldn’t Keep Your Eyes Closed, While Making Out with Abs Toby . . .
There’s this totally random scene, at the beginning of the episode, in which a Grossed Out Abs Toby spies his adopted sis, Blind Jenna, lining up discarded fruit rinds on the dashboard of Policeboy Garrett’s car.
I love Toby’s disturbed facial expression, here . . .
But Police Boy Garrett’s is EVEN FUNNIER!
Oddly enough, Policeboy Garrett doesn’t seem to mind to mind that much, and starts sucking Blind Jenna’s face right in front of poor Abs Toby, who’s probably WISHING he was blind, right about now . . .
“AHHHH! MY EYES!”
Later, we have this sadly prophetic scene, in which Spencer makes out with Abs Toby in his pickup truck, on the way to school, and tells him that they have to be careful, or “A” will try and break them up. Abs Toby promises her that this will never happen, which makes us feel pretty certain that it WILL . . .
Enjoy it while it lasts, Spoby! Because something tells me you are in for a World of “A” Pain!
That night, we get a MUCH HOTTER Spoby Makeout session, which features Abs Toby’s half unbuttoned shirt. (TAKE IT OFF, TOBY! TAKE IT ALL OFF!)
Talk about a buzz kill. Things are just about to move to a TV-MA rating, when Abs Toby notices two figures involved in an intense discussion upstairs in Facelift Vampire Jason’s bedroom. He tells Spencer what he saw. And Spencer wonders why Abs Toby had his eyes open, while they were making out.
Now that Spencer knows that Abs Toby is watching her kiss him, she’s probably feeling pretty uncomfortable. I mean, what does she look like, when she’s kissing? Does she make a weird face? Is her mouth doing something weird? It’s got to be pretty disconcerting to know something like this.
So, of course, NOW SHE’S KISSING WITH HER EYES WIDE OPEN (Why were they open? I gave you all I had, and you tossed it in the trash, you tossed it in the trash, yes you diiiiiiiddd . . . SEE, what you did to me, Abs Toby?)
While open-eyed macking, Spencer sees the same thing that Abs Toby saw. And now she’s thoroughly freaked out. So, she rushes from the car, as a half-naked Abs Toby chases after her. (CAN I GET A HELL YEAH?)
NO TOBY! Take the shirt OFF! Trust me, you will run MUCH faster . . . 😉
But it gets worse. The person Facelift Vampire Jason was talking to ends up being . . . wait for it . . . HER DAD!
Cue SPENCER FACE!
A fairly intense scene follows, in which Spencer tries to get her dad to explain what the f*&k he’s doing hanging out with Facelift Vampire Jason, and her dad totally blows her off! Then, Abs Toby gets in the mix, risking his job, and his relationship with his potential future father-in-law, by demanding that Daddy Dearest answer Spencer’s questions.
Daddy is FURIOUS, that his daughter’s boyfriend would have the AUDACITY to confront him in this way. (Personally, I thought it was kind of hot!) He wants Spencer to come home with him IMMEDIATELY, but she refuses. And her and Abs Toby speed away in their car, as Daddy Dearest chases after it . . . like a dumb dog, who’s just gotten off his leash . . .
“Oh, go pee on a hydrant, Dad! I have more open-eyed face-sucking to do!”
When Spencer arrives home that night, Daddy Dearest reluctantly admits that Ali and Facelift Jason’s grandmother had changed her will right before she died, and TOTALLY cut Facelift Jason out, leaving everything to Ali. Then, after BOTH Ali and granny died, the Dilaurentis’ hired Daddy Dearest to alter the date on the will, and it’s contents, so that it didn’t appear to give Jason a motive for killing Ali. (Annnnd, now we know where Jason got all his money from!)
Mind control, of course!
In a flashback, we see Alison suggest that Jason may have sold a family heirloom to buy drugs, and that she may have gone to visit her grandmother before she died to tell her this, so that she would change her will.
“I’m going to take ALL YOUR MONEY! Suck on THAT, Facelift Vampire Jason!”
Spencer then, puts two and two together, recalling that Alison (and possibly Ian?) went away to Georgia, shortly before her death, to visit her grandmother. And this was, possibly, when she got the will changed. Given all this, now Spencer REALLY thinks Facelift Vampire Jason killed Ali . . . both, for the money, and to get back at her for trying to have him cut out of the will.
Daddy Dearest warns Spencer not to pursue such theories, which brings Spencer to a more dangerous question. “What does the Dilaurentis Family have on US, that you were willing to break the law to help them?”
“I’ve been a bad, bad boy . . .”
“You are SOOOO busted!”
Daddy Dearest didn’t exactly have an answer for that one, but I’m going to guess it has something to do with the fact that he’s porking (or at least used to pork Ali and Jason’s mom) . . . We’ll see if I’m right . . .
Why You Should Never Touch Psycho Mike’s Computer . . .
“Stop trying to steal my internet porn, MOM!”
Ma and Pa Montgomery are fighting about Psycho Mike. Pa Montgomery wants him on anti-depressants, since he thinks his emotional condition is the same genetic one that afflicted his brother. Ma Montgomery doesn’t think drugs are necessarily the answer. She wants Psycho Mike to try talking to a therapist first, to see what specifically is causing Mike to behave this way.
Honestly, I can usually care less about Aria’s parents, but their discussion was an interesting one, this week. After all, both Ma and Pa have a point. On one hand, there shouldn’t be any stigma against taking medication for clinical depression. And, in this case, Mike has both a family history of the disease, and is showing all the classic signs. On the other hand, knowing this show, Mike’s sudden depression is almost certainly situational, and almost definitely has something to do with “A.” So, talking, more than drugs, is probably the answer here . . .
“Hey Psycho Mike? Why don’t you take a break from Cyber Sex, and come down for dinner, K?”
Anywhoo . . . Aria enters Mike’s room to find him once again tapping away at his computer (which seems somehow linked to whatever it is that causing him to act out). She tells Mike to come down for dinner, and when he refuses, Mama Montgomery comes in, and tries to take his computer away. BAD MOVE! Psycho Mike FREAKS OUT, and wrenches it from her fingers, causing her to fall back into one of his chests of drawers, and seriously hurt her wrist.
It’s a heartbreaking scene, as a horrified Psycho Mike, upon realizing that he just basically beat up his own mother, dashes into the bathroom, while Ma Montgomery chokes back tears.
I have to say, Holly Marie Combs was remarkable in this scene. As a typically strong mother type, it was fascinating to see Ma Montgomery looking unusually timid and fragile, this week. I honestly had tears in my eyes, when she frantically made Aria promise not to tell her father what Mike did. Ma Montgomery seems afraid of what her husband would do to Psycho Mike, if he found out. She also seems just the slightest bit afraid of her own son . . .
This storyline made me teary AGAIN, when Aria came back into Psycho Mike’s room, and sat on the edge of his bed, next to him. “Is mom going to be all right?” He asked his sister nervously, acting the part of the innocent younger brother, once again.
“Yes,” replied Aria.
“Am I going to be?” He asked worriedly.
“Yes,” exclaimed Aria, pulling her little brother in for a tight hug.
Toward the end of the episode, Aria, tired of all the secrets her family has been keeping from one another, finally confronts her parents about Psycho Mike’s stealing.
And when Mike, himself, comes down to the living room to be with his family, we all feel a bit of hope, that things might finally start to become a bit less angsty in the Montgomery home.
*sniffle, sniffle* “I just keep having all of these FEELINGS!”
(Or, at least, we can FINALLY figure out what the f*&k has been going on with Psycho Mike!)
Why You Should Always Check Your Bobble Head Dolls for Bugs . . .
Dr. Freud is ALWAYS listening . . .
The night after her morning meeting with the PLL girls, and her triumphany BULLIES ARE BAD speech, Shrinkypoo is walking the streets of Rosewood by herself late at night (never a good idea, by the way), when she gets a strange cell phone call. The call is basically a taperecording on repeated playback of Shrinkypoo talking to the girls, during their private therapy session.
“Hi, Shrinkypoo! I’m calling to confirm the appointment I have with you later tonight. My name is ‘DEATH’.”
Having already had her office broken into once before, an understandably terrified Shrinkypoo calls the Lame-o Rosewood cops to search for bugs in her office. These police academy rejects find no such bugs, but that’s clearly because they aren’t really looking all that hard. Not surprisingly, Policeboy Garrett is there.
“Gee Shrinkypoo, I’m really sorry that you have a potentially murderous stalker watching your every move. But I need to get back to making out with my underage girlfriend . . . Catch ya later . . . unless, you are already dead by then.”
Oddly enough, all Policeboy seems interested in are the names of the patients that were in Shrinkypoo’s session during the supposed bugging, so that he can find them, chop them into tiny pieces, and feed them to Blind Jenna. Shrinkypoo is fortunately smart enough not to give the Shady Police Boy this confidential information. And he leaves in a huff . . .
Later, while thumbing through her files, Shrinkypoo comes upon one file in particular belonging to a patient, the same age as the PLL girls. Upon studying the file, Shrinkypoo notes some shocking similarities between the patient and this “A” the girls are describing.
So, she calls Emily and tells her to gather the girls and meet her at the office ASAP. “I know who A is,” Shrinkypoo says, though OF COURSE, she conveniently doesn’t give this information out over the phone. Because that would be too easy, right?
By the way, remember that time when HANNA texted the PLL girls to tell them that SHE knew who “A” was? Remember what happened to her, back then?
Ahhhh, memories . . .
So, the girls’, of course, rush to Shrinkypoo’s office, eager to learn the true identity of “A.” But when they get there . . . SURPRISE! She’s not there! In fact, she might be DEAD!
At least that’s what THIS text message, which the girls get, shortly after arriving in the office, seems to suggest . . .
OH NO! How are the girls ever going to learn “A’s” identity now! THE HORROR!
In the final scene, we see gloved hand trashing the incriminating therapy file, and removing a not-particularly-well hidden bug from the bottom of a Sigmund Freud bobble head (See, Police Boy Garrett! Dead Shrinkypoo was RIGHT! It wasn’t IN THE WALL!) . . .
Damn you, “A”! Damn YOU!
If you thought this week’s PLL was intense, wait until you check out next week’s trailer! Be prepared for ugly dolls, more cryptic “A” messages, and a weird Ali dream sequence, among other things . . .
You know what else is going to be INTENSE about next week’s summer finale? My blogger pal, France and I will be LIVEBLOGGING IT!
Yes, Hanna, we love it too! Be sure to check back later this week, when I will have exclusive details on how YOU can take part of this spectacular event!
“So, THAT is who was pinching my ass! I THOUGHT those fingers felt familiar!”
Welcome back, My Pretties! This week, on PLL, the girls began to wonder whether “A” was, not just an EXTREMELY busy individual . . . but, rather, a crack team of Expert Stalkers / Threatening Text Message Writers. And, really, if you think about it, this seems like the ONLY logical explanation. I mean, how else could anyone possibly explain this seemingly supernatural character, who’s nefarious hands are simultaneously up every single PLL girl’s butt, AT ALL TIMES?
“Well, THAT sounds painful!”
Oh, and before I begin this recap, I’d like to thank the writers of Pretty Little Liars for adding “eating cereal” and “getting a massage” to the ever-growing list of Things I Am Now Afraid to Do, Because of This Show. (At this rate, by the time the series finale airs, I won’t be able to leave the house!)
Leave My Alpha Bits ALONE!
See? This is why Froot Loops are my cereal of choice. You can’t leave creepy messages in Froot Loops! On an unrelated note, Poor Spencer! It looks like “A” went into her closet, in the middle of the night, and shredded all her button-down shirts. Wait . . . you mean, it’s SUPPOSED to look like that? Wow, I will just never understand fashion . . .
This week, the girls, once again, give their Pretty Little Episode recap in the cafeteria. Aria admits to swapping blood saliva with Facelift Vampire Jason . . .
“I was thirsty. OK?”
And Spencer and Emily admit to breaking into Facelift Vampire Jason’s lair, and finding scary close-up shots of Aria sleeping (or drugged?), inside of it. Having imparted that old news important information, Spencer and Aria exit, Stage Left, leaving poor Emily, and her Alpha Bits all by their lonesome.
“What the hell? Aren’t I supposed to get another new girlfriend, this week? Because I could really use one right about now.”
So, Emily opens up her Alpha Bits, and is shocked to find that SOMEONE has given her only letter “A’s,” (which pretty much defeats the purpose of having Alpha Bits, if you ask me.)
Now, they just look like Lucky Charms, without the marshmallows . . .
OK, now this is where I cry foul Are we honestly supposed to believe that “A” somehow: (1) anticipated that Emily was going to eat Alpha Bits that morning; (2) bought like TEN boxes of Alpha Bits, in order to find enough “A’s” to fill an individual box; (3) opened a box of Alpha Bits, and exchanged its multi-letter contents for just “A’s;” (4) RE-SEALED the box, so it looked like it had never been opened; and (5) somehow made sure that of all the available cereal boxes, THAT was the one Emily chose?
Not only is Emily’s cereal box filled with A’s, it also, apparently, contains a personal note . . .
Still in mourning over being ditched by Caleb, in favor of his Deadbeat Mom, Hanna has decided to express her depression, by maintaining the same hairstyle she wore on the night of the fateful breakup (which, I really like, actually) . . .
“This is my Sad Hair . . .”
While Emily is off at school, eating pre-fondled cereal, Hanna is still loafing around the house, when she runs into Mama Marin, who’s VERY worried about Poor Emily, and her “stress.” (Riiiight, because her own daughter doesn’t appear stressed out at all!) When Hanna complains that Emily has taken to the annoying habit of grinding her teeth in her sleep (Wow, you’ve gotta be pretty close by to notice something like that! Are these two sleeping in the same bed? ;)), her mother scolds her to have a little more compassion for her friend.
I agree, Hanna. The only person I’m compassionate toward, before 10 a.m., is MYSELF. And that’s only because I pity myself for having to be up before 10 a.m.
But Mama Marin will not give up on the surrogate daughter she clearly likes better than her own. She hands Hanna a gift certificate for a massage, instructing Hanna to give it to Emily, if and when she ever decides to drag her butt to school . . .
“Emily Fields is like the daughter I never had . . . no offense, Hanna.”
“So . . . about that whole ‘You’re a Psycho Stalker’ thing . . .”
“Sleep now, so that I can take more . . . ahem . . . ‘artistic’ photos of you . . . er . . . I mean so that Ali can take more photos of you sleeping . . . even though she’s dead.”
I think most of us sort of expected that Jason would have SOME sort of explanation for those disturbing photographs of Aria, we saw in his shed, last week. And, I guess, I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt that he’s telling the truth about not taking them, himself, until I hear otherwise. But still, you have to admit, that whole family is pretty cracked!
I mean, I know Ali’s like dead and all. But that’s really no excuse for having been a perv, while alive, now is it? Am I the only one who’s just as creeped out knowing that Ali took these pictures, as I was when I thought Jason took them? Why the double standard? Just because she’s a GIRL?
Anywhoo . . . in a show that revolves quite a bit around LYING, I give Aria a lot of credit, for being surprisingly mature, and IMMEDIATELY coming to Jason with the accusation Spencer and Emily had lodged against him. Typically, in shows like this, the protagonist will simply start AVOIDING the accused person, without telling him or her why she is doing so, until the truth eventually comes out . .. thereby making the protagonist look like a TOTAL ASSHAT. So, yay to Aria, for not being an ASSHAT, I guess.
“Was that supposed to be a compliment?”
According to Facelift Vampire Jason, he had been randomly sifting through Ali’s old things, when he came upon a roll of undeveloped film. When he figured out what it was, he developed the pictures, and planned to have them framed for Aria as a gift. Riiiiiight . . . because everyone likes to hang weird creepy close-up pictures of themselves sleeping on their bedroom wall. Seriously, Facelift Jason, how vain exactly do you think Aria is?
But, hey, I guess it’s not the gift, but the dirty thought that counts, right?
Meanwhile, back inside the school . . .
The Return of El Shrinko
“OK . . . so let me get this straight, your daughter believes that the ghost of her dead friend has been sending her text messages? And your son steals ugly pottery from blind girls? What a lovely, sane, family you’ve raised!”
Even though it’s College Fair Day, and she has absolutely no logical reason to be there, that Random Shrink from a Few Episodes Back is conveniently wandering around Rosewood Prep. Mama Montgomery sees her, and asks her to meet with her Crazy Klepto, Possibly Suicidal, Son . . .
“That’s ME!”
Though, it would be a conflict of interest for Aria’s therapist to also see her brother, Random Shrink From a Few Episodes Back agrees to recommend a colleague of hers for Crazy Mike.
Speaking of Crazy, Random Shrink runs into a clearly at her wits end, Emily, who REALLY needs to talk to someone about all the awful stuff going on in her life right now.
Don’t worry, Emily. In a couple weeks, “A” will go back to ignoring you, and it will be Aria’s turn to experience her wrath . . .
Random Shrink, who, honestly, seemed like a cold b*tch in earlier episodes, is surprisingly sweet to Emily probably because she knows she’s going to make A LOT of money off of her crazy ass and gently suggests that the two meet after school to talk. Emily agrees.
“I’ll be billing you for this conversation too . . . just so you know.”
Speaking of people who have no business being at Rosewood Prep, but are there, because the plot requires them to be . . .
Hollis College: Where The Faculty is VERY Hands-On Your Boobs
At the college fair, Aria is THRILLED to see Fitzy working the Hollis College booth (especially since these sort of things are usually run by RECRUITERS, and not NEW PROFESSORS who should be . . . I don’t know . . . busy professing). However, she is less than thrilled to learn that Fitzy’s ex-fiance Jackie is working the booth as well. And she is hanging all over Fitzy, like she’s one of his sweater vests . . .
“I’m going to use this Hollis College Lanyard to tie you up, and throw you in the trunk of my car. I hope you don’t mind.”
When Fitzy sees Aria, he immediately bounds over to her, clearly horny as hell from being around all these high school students. He even makes some sexually suggestive comments about the generalized gropiness (Is that even a word?) of the Hollis College faculty. But Aria isn’t exactly in the mood for Fitzy Flirtation. So, she stomps out of the gym, forcing him to run after her, like the loyal puppy dog boyfriend he has become.
Continuing this weeks trend of uncharacteristic “Honest and Mature” behavior, Aria directly confronts Fitzy with her fear that, because they are still hiding their relationship, “external factors” *cough Jackie and Jason* are getting in the way of their happiness. Fitzy, typical clueless boy that he is, is, apparently completely oblivious to the fact that Jackie-O still wants his bod . . .
I’m just reminding you what it looks like . . .
During this conversation, Aria also confesses to kissing Jason . . . er . . . I mean, LETTING Jason kiss her. This is where the conversation, understandably, gets a bit uncomfortable. And like any good pitbull, Jackie-O immediately smells the fear, and rushes over to hump Fitzy’s leg. Once Fitzy leaves, she moves on to Aria, baring her fangs, and peppering her with thinly veiled insults about her age and lack of maturity.
“Fitzy’s MINE! And I would know, I peed on his leg to mark my territory, yesterday . . .”
Annoying Mona . . . Horse Whisperer
“You better not make me wear a fugly dress like that, when I’m a bridesmaid at your wedding.”
Hanna and Mona ditch the College Fair (She chooses colleges, like she chooses clothes, anyway . . . from the catalogue!), so that Hanna can get fitted for the hideous bridesmaid dress her future stepmonster picked out for her wedding to Hanna’s Douchey Daddy. The pair rank a bit on the awfulness of the dress, and how hillbilly the person who selected it must be, until that person’s daughter appears on the scene, looking very different from the last time we saw her . . .
First we had Facelift Jason, now we have Facelift Kate . . .
“What the hell did they do to my face?”
Annoying Mona quickly figures out that Hanna’s future stepsister is a wealthy snob. And, since that’s exactly what Mona aspires to be someday (Well, she’s already a snob . . . but I guess the wealthy part, is something she needs to work on), the professional star f*&ker arranges for her and Hanna to accompany Kate and her friends on a little horseback riding excursion . . .
“This storyline is lame. Why the f*&k are we here?”
Though Annoying Mona claims to be a “horse whisperer” (I don’t think Mona is even capable of whispering to HUMANS, let alone horses.), neither of the girls actually have any riding experience. And both Mona and Hanna end up losing their horsing, and having to walk the rest of the trail. Back at the Polo Lodge, Hanna “accidentally’ leaves her hat on the control panel, which ends up turning on the intercom system. So, of course, she starts griping about Stepmonsters Kate and Isabel. And, of course, Kate overhears all of it.
“I’m really angry now, but you can’t tell, because of all the collagen I had injected into my New Face . . .”
Hanna immediately becomes worried that Facelift Kate will rat her out to her family for all the nasty things she said. But she doesn’t. Instead, she calls her on the phone, threatening to break her spirit, and beat her into subservience, like an unruly horse. (WOW, Facelift Kate is into animal cruelty? Now, I DEFINITELY don’t like her.) Here’s hoping “A” breaks Kate’s new face, before she gets a chance to break Hanna’s . . .
Speaking of familiar (and not so familiar faces) . . .
What the hell is an N.A.T. club?
“How dare Creepy Pedo Ian join a club I’m not a member of! If he wasn’t already dead, I’d kill him!”
Spencer and Abs Toby are sorting through Dead Creepy Pedo Ian’s stuff, when they come across his old yearbook. Flipping through it, they come to realize that Creepy Pedo Ian, Facelift Vampire Jason, and Police Boy Garrett, were all in the same three-person club . . .
Wait a second! Since when are these three guys all the SAME age? Whatever happened to the writers saying that Facelift Vampire Jason is more “age-appropriate” for Aria than Fitzy. Isn’t Creepy Pedo Ian virtually the same age as Aria’s current boyfriend (give or take a year or two)? Just curious . . .
Cue SPENCER FACE!
(You have to admit, Toby kind of had a point, when he called Spencer, “a nice word for obsessive.”)
After doing a little internet research, Spencer figures out that N.A.T. stands for Nos Animadverto Totus, which translates into English as “We See All.”
Now, Spencer is convinced that these guys were ALL taking creepy videos of Rosewood residents, and that Facelift Vampire Jason killed his sister to drink her blood to prevent her from going forward with the tapes. Knowing that Aria will not listen to her anymore, when it comes to her “advice” about Jason, Spencer decides to tell the person most likely to get through to Aria . . . Fitzy . . .
“I wish I was wearing my My Little Pony Sweater . . . I miss that little guy.”
Spencer finds Fitzy in his car outside the school . . .
Never one to mince words, within about 30 seconds, Spencer has already told Fitzy that (1) she knows about him and Aria’s relationship; and (2) Aria is in DANGER of getting turned into a vampire. And we all know how persuasive Spencer can be, when she really puts her mind to it . . .
Unfortunately, for Spencer and Fitzy, they are not alone. SOMEONE is watching them . . .
*hissssssss*
And now for the most disturbing part of the episode . . .
Massages are SCAAAAAARRRRRY!
Oh Emily . . . you won’t be smiling for long.
As was commanded by the Marin’s Emily heads to the massage parlor, and is instructed by the masseuse to lay down and get comfy, while she prepares for the appointment. A few moments later, Emily’s massage begins. You can just see the tension rolling off Emily’s shoulders. She feels happy and relaxed, and looks like she might drop off to sleep at any moment. Then the masseuse comes back, ready to start the massage . . . wait . . . WHAT?
Yeah, so apparently, that WHOLE time Emily was being fondled by “A” instead of the actual masseuse. What are the odds? (Actually, on THIS show, the odds are very high.)
Adding insult to grossness, the minute Emily leaves the massage parlor (looking NOT AT ALL relaxed, by the way), “A” has to go and send her a super threatening text message. (SURPRISE!)
OK. So, I know who Dr. Sullivan is. But who are Eric and Denise J.? I never see any of the PLL’s hanging out with anyone except for their significant others, and eachother . . . and sometimes Annoying Mona.
Tata for now, Facelift Jason! Ezria is “Official”
“I’m really going to miss you, Aria. Can I keep one of these pictures of you that I TOTALLY didn’t take myself *wink, wink* as a souvenir of our three-episode love affair.”
At some random coffee shop, Facelift Vampire Jason gives Aria those Framed Creepy Pictures of her Sleepy Face. I’m actually really curious to see whether Aria will actually hang these up on her wall. (Imagine staring at pictures of yourself sleeping, while you are trying to go to sleep . . . weird.) Facelift notes that he found the film in a box that Aria kept underneath the floorboards. Aria expresses interest in the box, so Jason offers to get it for her. She follows him back to his house, but is still hesitant enough of his motives, to not want to follow him inside alone to retrieve the darn thing.
While Aria is waiting for Facelift, Fitzy arrives . . .
Fitzy reiterates to a shocked Aria, how dangerous he thinks Facelift Vampire Jason is, after hearing all about the guy’s “photography talents” from Spencer. He then tells her that he wants to save their relationship. And if that means going public, starting with Aria’s parents, then, so be it. Aria mentally reminds herself to thank Spencer for helping her to FINALLY get laid, as she moves in for a big fat Fitzy Smooch . . .
*insert sucking and slurping noises here*
Of course, this is precisely the moment at which Jason emerges from his house with Dead Ali’s Box O’ Memories . . . because he’s probably been watching from his window the whole time.
Yeah, because this isn’t awkward at all.
The Facelift Vampire gives Aria the box, while Fitzy waits for her in his car, clearly, not taking ANY chances . . .
But before you start checking your mailbox for Ezria wedding invitations, you should hear what Aria’s snoopy, kind of judgmental MOM had to say to Aria, when she got home . . .
“I’m totally judging you Spencer, right now.”
Apparently, Mama Montgomery’s little eavesdropping session somehow led her to believe that SPENCER and Fitzy were doing the deed, and that the rumors going around school that Fitzy was porking one of the students at Rosewood Prep were about HER. Aria, of course, denies this, but wonders allowed what difference it would make if the two of them WERE dating, considering their age difference is minimal. Mama Montgomery who’s probably still stewing over her OWN husband cheating on her with a student feels that this situation is STILL immoral, because it implies that Fitzy used his position as a teacher at the school to his sexual advantage. She also admits to a horrified Aria that, if she found out that Fitzy and Spencer were boning she would feel incredibly jealous betrayed, since Mama Montgomery always had a HUGE crush on Fitzy she considered Fitzy a friend.
Uh Oh! I guess these three won’t be going to the movies together anytime soon . . .
Elsewhere in Rosewood . . .
Blind Jenna and Police Boy Garrett Strike Again
Blind Jenna barges into Spencer’s house and accuses her of being a hungry terrier for using Toby to help her search through the wench’s private belongings.
That’s funny, I always thought of Spencer more as a pug . . .
B.J. warns Spencer that her continued snooping is dangerous for her and Abs Toby. But Spencer is not the type of girl who’s going to be intimidated by a few idle threats. In fact, as B.J. is leaving, Spencer sends her off with a pretty awesome parting shot. “Tell, Garrett I said, Hi,” she coos.
In what is becoming almost as common an occurrence on PLL episodes, as the PLL Girl weekly recap, Jenna hops into the sniveling Police Boy Garrett’s car to warn him that “they [the PLL girls] know about us.”
“Would this be a bad time to ask you for car sex?”
However, it is what B.J. says next that is the most intriguing. Blind Jenna notes that Spencer has been “looking through yearbooks,” something Spencer clearly never mentioned in her earlier conversation. This means that either (1) Toby told Blind Jenna what he and Spencer found; or (2) Blind Jenna is NO LONGER BLIND JENNA (having had her eye surgery already), and saw the yearbooks in Spencer’s living room. Honestly, I’m not quite sure about that second option, since you would think that type of eye surgery would require a signficant amount of recovery time. Needless to say, however, SOMETHING is up . . .
“I’ve got my eye on you Blow Job , Blind Jenna!”
Blind Jenna and Police Boy end their conversation by jointly making the decision that it is time to talk to Facelift Jason, so that the threesome can get their respective stories straight. In one of the final scenes of the episode, Police Boy visits Facelift, and reminds him how important it is that the two of them keep their mouths shut about what happened between them. After all, Police Boy has a job to keep, a reputation to protect, and an underage blind girlfriend to continue screwing. Stakes are high, indeed . . .
Having been enmeshed in their own separate storylines for most of the episode, it was nice to see the PLL girls all reunite at (Emily’s?) house, for one final bonding moment. In what may have been my favorite scene in the entire episode, Aria tells Spencer that she isn’t mad at her for going to Fitzy about Facelift Jason. After all, as I mentioned earlier, Spencer’s little trick is DEFINITELY going to help Aria get laid. 🙂 Spencer, of course, apologized anyway, for butting in, explaining that she just worries about Aria, because she’s so petite and fragile looking, and Spencer cares about her so darn much.
Both Lucy Hale and Troian Bellisario played off the scene beautifully. And you could really feel the love between these two girls. All together now . . . AWWWWWW!
The final scene features “A” coming to visit Random Therapist lady . . .
Uh oh! Something tells me this isn’t going to end well . . .
You can check out the promo for Episode 11 of Pretty Little Liars, here:
“WOAH! My Dream Self is a TOTAL HO! I hope I didn’t just give myself Dream Crabs . . .”
Welcome back, my Pretties! This week on Pretty Little Liars, we learned that Spencer still wears My Little Pony sweaters; Emily is great at poker, but sucks at life bluffing; and, even after ALL she’s been through with “A,” Aria STILL hasn’t learned to shut her bedroom door (but not lock it, Byron says “NO LOCKING DOORS!”), and close her curtains, before she goes to bed at night . . .
So, pick up that hide-a-key on top of the doorframe, and slip your digits to your significant other’s best friend, because it’s time for another Pretty Little recap . . .
To Sleep, Perchance to HUMP . . .
First of all, let me say, SCREW YOU, PLL, for being such a tease! You gave me, not one, but TWO, fake sex scenes before the opening credits even began!
What kind of show do you think this is . . . True Blood, or should I say . . . Faux Blood?
All I can say is, Aria REALLY didn’t look pleased, when she woke up in the morning. And, honestly, I think she should reconsider those feelings. I mean, so what if her second faux-screw toy may very well be a psycho stalker / murderer / pedophile.
You know, I never realized it, but Facelift Jason TOTALLY looks like he’s either going to grab Aria’s boobs, or strangle her, in this picture.
The way I see it, being Dream F*&ked is the best of both worlds! You get all of the pleasure, and none of the soreness, STD’s, or soul-crushing guilt real sex can sometimes bring. You also significantly decrease your chances of being BASHED IN THE HEAD WITH A HOCKEY STICK, AND BURIED ALIVE.
Meanwhile, over at the morgue, Hanna, Emily, and Spencer have randomly decided to don those skimpy candy striper outfits again. Seriously, when did this show become PORN?
SPENCER: “This is as far as I go. If they make me put on one of those French Maid costumes, I’m QUITTING!”
Actually, the girls have a pretty good reason to be dressed like they are. After all, they are currently snooping around the hospital in search of the missing page to Ali’s autopsy. Of course, I’m pretty sure that my favorite part of the ENTIRE episode, was when the girls were at risk of being caught snooping, and Hanna had to . . . improvise . . .
(Have I told you guys, lately, how much I adore Hanna? Girlfriend is friggin HILARIOUS!)
Unfortunately, Spencer emerges from the morgue empty handed. Someone must have snuck into the hospital, and extracted the missing page, before the PLL girls could get their hands on it. Of course, as it turns out, missing pieces of paper may end up being the least of the girls’ problems . . . As they are LOUDLY discussing their plan of action, the girls very nearly run into THIS . . .
*insert T-Rex music from that Jurassic Park movie, here*
That’s right, my Pretties. Apparently, Blind Jenna might not be BLIND for much longer at which point, we will surely have to find a new nickname for her, STAT! Any suggestions?. What does this MEAN for the PLL girls? (Well, honestly, not much. Blind Jenna always seemed eerily capable of “seeing” whatever it was the PLL girls were doing, anyway. But, let’s go along with it, and pretend to be REALLY SCARED. OK?)
A Very Important Message from PLL: DON’T DO STEROIDS! (It might make you turn into Thor . . .)
No offense against THOR . . . or anything . . .
Back at the Marin Household, Emily is throwing away all of hers and Hanna’s creams, just in case “A” got to them, and pumped THEM up with steroids too. Hanna spies her throwing a way one cream, in particular, and takes immediate offense . . .
“I don’t care if this cream turns me into Thor, it costs 100 dollars,” lectures Emily.
Emily, of course, reminds Hanna that she STOLE the lotion. “It still costs 100 dollars!” Hanna replies. (Remind me why Little Miss Klepto was getting all bent out of shape about Caleb‘s criminal activities again?)
Except when she’s drunk, Emily is not typically known for getting great one liners on the show. But her response here, definitely makes the list: “Chin hair and back pimples are also side effects of taking steroids.”
My sentiments exactly, Hanna. I bet “turning into Thor,” is starting to look like a pretty good option, in comparison to THIS, huh?
Hanna ultimately ends up tossing out her Stolen Contraband Lotion, just as Mama Marin pops in to (1) lecture Hanna about not calling Papa Doucheface; and (2) invite the girls downstairs for breakfast.
Not surprisingly, the minute Hanna leaves the room, Emily gets yet another text message from “A.” And THIS one is a doozy . . .
“Well, I certainly hope she paid for me, first!”
Apparently, sometime, during the course of the last two episodes, “A” managed to steal Emily’s medical chart. (I’m wondering if he or she needed their very own candy striper outfit to do it too!)
Speaking of Emily, later at school . . .
“You’re Dream Cheating on Fitzy! (You Bastard!)”
“Stop looking at me like that, Em! I’m sure I made him wear a Dream Condom!”
Emily and Aria fill one another in, on the last five minutes of the show. Though, Aria, at first, does not come clean to Emily about her little sex dream, Emily sees THIS FACE. . .
and THIS ONE . . .
. . . and immediately puts two and two together. (If only she was this good at judging the effectiveness of skin creams, she might not have gotten A HOLE IN HER STOMACH.) Emily reveals herself as a hardcore TEAM FITZY-ITE, when she tells Aria that she has NO business eyef *&king or dreamf&^*king Facelift Jason, when the Professor is over at Hollis waiting patiently to “make pottery with her.” Aria promises to keep that in mind and mentally reminds herself to buy some Red Bull, so she can stay awake tonight . . . No sleeping, means no dreamf*&king, right? Right?
Later, in the lunchroom . . .
“They are taking her eyeballs out? COOL!”
“I wish someone took MY eyeballs out, so I wouldn’t have to EVER see Blind Jenna hooking up with Policeboy Garrett again . . .”
Spencer (who, because she is dating Toby, is “in the know”) explains to the rest of the girls that Jenna is a candidate for corneal transplants. This basically means they replace the damaged flap over her cornea, so that she can see again. (See? And who says you can’t learn things from watching PLL?) The girls discuss what exactly this would mean for THEM, which, pretty much, makes them HUGE A$$HOLES. I mean, really, how DARE Jenna try to get back the vision that the PLL GIRLS TOOK AWAY FROM HER, and inconvenience the Pretty Little Liars? She’s got SOME NERVE!
“Jenna is scary enough with four senses. Can you imagine what she will do to us with all five?” Hanna wonders out loud.
You’re right, Hanna! Because that would make her ROBO-JENNA, Super Villain EXTRAORINAIRE . . .
But ROBO Jenna isn’t necessarily the ONLY villain the PLL’s need to worry about . . .
Hide Your Sweater Ponies, Folks! Facelift Jason has a SECRET ROOM! (And we all know what that means . . .)
“It’s not safe for you here, Sweater Pony! RUN!”
After school, Spencer and her favorite sweater from Grade 4, decide to do what they do best: namely, stalk the Suspect of the Week, Facelift Jason. Conveniently, Spencer finds Facelift Jason, just as he is hiding the key to his SECRET ROOM in the WORST HIDING SPOT EVER!
“Look at me. I am soooo clever, with my newly chiseled face, and Pantene Pro V hair . . .”
Nice going, Facelift! No one will think to look for your hide-a-key in the SAME PLACE EVERYBODY AND THEIR MOTHER HIDES THEIR HIDE-A-KEY! Did the surgery that changed your face, perhaps, cut into your brain too?
Cue SPENCER FACE!
Oh, how I missed you, Spencer Face!
Meanwhile, over at Hanna’s . . .
“A” Cockblocks Emily, BIG TIME!
The Last Kiss?
In the land of Too Little, Too Late, Samara brings Sorry You Had a Hole in Your Stomach Cookies to Emily. Emily takes them gratefully, and doesn’t ask, “Why the hell didn’t you visit me at the hospital, B*tch?” . . . which I thought was rather kind of her.
Speaking of kind . . . enter Mama Marin . . .
“Newly single, and ready to mingle!”
Hanna’s mom has been racking up SO many cool points recently, that I almost forgot how she once slutted around with Deputy Douchey, so her daughter wouldn’t go to jail for shoplifting, and STOLE MONEY FROM AN OLD LADY . . . almost. This week, she generously offers her house up to Emily, Samara, and Samara’s friends for “poker night,” when the parties’ usual host cancels, on account of her Mom being sick. Emily, of course, is thrilled.
“I’m THRILLED!”
Hanna’s mom tells Emily that she should feel at home in the Marin Household, and be able to be “herself.” This is kind of awesome, especially considering that at Emily’s actual house, her Mom had a TOTAL sh*tfit, when Emily had ONE other lesbian over at her house (Maya!), let alone a group of them. But I digress . . .
That night, Emily invites Samara and her Poker Crew over to the Marin household, where she impresses them all with her Mad Poker Playing Skillz . . .
One of Samara’s friends with whom Emily particularly hits it off is “Zoe” . . . a fact that, will come to haunt her, before the night is over . . .
The Bait . . .
*Insert cell phone ring here* . . . you guessed it! It’s time for “A” to crash this poker party . . .
I’m not going to lie, this was the part of the episode that pissed me off the most! Now, in REALITY, there were LITERALLY TONS of ways Emily could have gotten her number to Zoey, without looking like she was trying to cheat on Samara with one of her closest friends. For starters, she could have given ALL the girls her number, including Zoe, insisting that she wanted them to have it, in case they were ever again in need of someone to host Poker Night. She also could have slipped a paper into Zoe’s purse containing her digits. (If you read the above-message, it says that Zoe has to LEAVE with the number . . . she doesn’t have to KNOW she’s leaving with it.) She also could have told Zoey, she wanted to plan a romantic surprise for Samara, and needed her help. I could keep going . . .
But that wouldn’t be “exciting” now, would it? So, Emily, the same girl, who just two weeks back, cleverly deciphered Great Mystery of the Ian Suicide Note, quickly takes a turn for the moronic, and flirtatiously offers Zoey her number, outright, RIGHT IN FRONT OF Samara’s possessive “friend” Quinn.
“Woah, way to be subtle, Hobag!”
“Rebound sex with Samara, here I come. Thanks ‘A'”!
(By the way, who the heck cut Quinn’s hair? Edward Scissorhands?)
Samara is understandably super PISSED when she confronts Emily about what she did . . . so pissed, in fact, that she puts their relationship on indefinite hiatus, until Emily is willing to come clean about what happened at Poker Night . . .
“Is this because I didn’t visit you in the hospital, when you thought you were dying?”
Emily is crushed by the news . . . I think . . .
“Hmmm . . . do you think it’s too early to call Zoey? I really wish I got her number, last night.”
And so ends yet another relationship at the hands of “A” . . . Of course, sometimes PLL girls’ relationships end all on their own . . .
Mama, I’m Coming Home . . .
So, remember how, last week, Hanna kicked the private investigator, who was stalking Caleb to the curb. But then we learned that his intentions might not have been as bad as she assumed they were? Well, it turns out the private investigator was searching for Caleb on behalf of his biological MOTHER, who is apparently, some filthy rich country club lady, who lives next door to Oprah!
When the private investigator confronts Caleb, he IS mad. Why wouldn’t he be? He’s spent twelve years of his life going from one trailer trash foster home to the next, and was PRETTY MUCH HOMELESS for the last year of his life. Meanwhile, the woman who “couldn’t take care of him,” is probably putting her two other kids through private school, and weekly tennis lessons with Andy Roddick . . .
But hey, family is family, right? And Caleb kind of owes it to himself to get a piece of that lifestyle he’s been denied all these years. (Yes, I’m that cynical.) Believe it or not, it’s actually Hanna, she of the “Dad you’re dead to me,” perpetual poutiness, who convinces Caleb to give Deadbeat Mommy Dearest a call. “The worst that can happen is you never speak to her again. The best thing that can happen is you can finally get to know her. Both of them are better than what you are doing now.”
“The last time I saw my mom, I was small enough to actually swing on this swingset, without having to worry about breaking it.”
The next evening, a tearful Caleb comes to Hanna’s house to say goodbye . . . forever now. He had a little chat with his Mom that day, and decided he should bring his phone pimping business to Montecito, since eveyone is so rich there come and visit her. He’s leaving now, as she had a car sent for him (See Caleb, this is how the OTHER HALF LIVES. Get used to it.)
Hanna is obviously saddened at the thought of losing Caleb. But, to her credit, she remains strong and supportive, because she knows how hard this must be for him, and that he is doing the right thing. The couple promise to call one another every day, and Caleb offers to return someday, though Hanna is rightly skeptical about both statements. “I’ve seen pictures of Montecito,” she says, smiling ruefully.
The two then share a touching kiss goodbye. And Hanna waits until Caleb is out of sight to REALLY break down in tears . . .
“Man, this episode is depressing!”
When all is said and done, Hanna decides to reach out to her own dad, and agrees to take part in his wedding to the odious Isabelle. Way to be an adult, Hanna!
Now, if y’all don’t mind, I’d like to bid adieu to the Haleb relationship with a little GIF tribute . . .
*sniffles* OK . . . moving on . . .
Speaking of depressing . . .
“I’m just really bummed out about the end of Haleb, OK?”
It seems as though Jerkface Mike has gone from non-existent, to creepy, to klepto, to a$$hole, to suicidal depressive in about three episodes flat . . . (That’s gotta be some sort of record.) Papa Montgomery, who’s brother (from what I gather) committed suicide as a teen (or maybe he OD’d), is extremely concerned, and rightfully so.
Aria’s mom, on the other hand, who’s usually the less lame parent of these two, sort of seems like she’s in denial about the whole thing. Now, I’m DEFINITELY thinking that Mike has become just as much a victim of A’s torturing as his sister. She (or he) has something on him, and I’m guessing it’s pretty big . . . something that makes home invasion seem like a walk in the park.
Speaking of Aria . . .
Tempted by the Hair of Another . . .
“The truth is Aria. I’m really a vampire. And I put dirty dreams into your brain, while you sleep at night. Then I take pictures of you, and use them while spanking my monkey.”
So, you want to hear something shocking. I actually think that all this time that Aria and Fitzy have been dating one another, they NEVER DID THE DEED!
NO! I’M SERIOUS! This episode all but gave that information away. The first piece of evidence, is Aria’s impromptu seduction of Fitzy in his office at Hollis. She seems determined to screw those Jason dreams right out of her brain . . .
But Fitzy is oddly hesitant, despite the obvious hard-on he started sporting the minute Aria removed her coat. “I have class in 15 minutes,” he says, as they start making out hard core . . .
But then they cut away to another scene, before anyone can get Nekkid . . .
Next thing you know, Aria’s getting A LOT of food out of the vending machine, so . . . post coital munchies, perhaps?
But then Fitzy comes back and he’s FULLY DRESSED, with his TIE ON PERFECTLY. Hmmm . . . Of course, he COULD have re-dressed himself before class (He only had 15 minutes, after all!). But then there’s that conversation he has with Aria, where he’s all “concerned” about the reason behind her aggressive seduction, and thinks something is up, and wants to talk about her “FEELINGS.” Yeah . . . NOT the kind of conversation one has after mindblowing sex . . .
To add insult to injury, we flip to this . . .
Now, we’re talkin!
Fitzy remarks that he wishes Aria could stay at his place every night, and she makes a comment about being REALLY GLAD SHE WAITED. (In other words: bye, bye Aria’s virginity! Nice knowing ya!) But then she walks to the mirror, and the scene changes to THIS . . .
“You can’t stop thinking about me, can you?” Facelift Jason whispers seductively in Aria’s ear . . .
AND it’s wake up time . . .
“I’ve really gotta lay off that vending machine food.”
So, yeah, as unrealistic as it sounds, if Aria’s “first time” occurred IN HER DREAM, than she hasn’t done it yet in real life, which means Fitzy must have the most painful pair of THESE the world has ever seen . . .
And so the Little Christian Channel that Could subtly transmits its message to the Youth of America. TEASE! Now, I’m just wondering if Spencer and Toby have done it yet . . . any guesses?
Facelift Jason stops by Aria’s house unexpectedly to put the moves on her to give her little brother, Headcase Mike, his number for “counseling” or something . . . But close physical contact with Facelift Jason (he fondles her arm, while he’s giving her the card), causes Aria to get those “dream feelings.” (It’s a good thing girls don’t get hard-ons, you know?) So, she makes some lame excuse about studying, and kicks a surprised Facelift to the curb.
She seriously looks mesmerized in this scene. Are we entirely sure Facelift Jason ISN’T a vampire? It would explain SO MUCH!
“Invite me in, Aria. I van’t to suck your blood . . .“
Later, Facelift Vampire Jason hunts down Aria in his car, in the middle of the night, and admits that he has feelings for her. WELL DUHHHHHH! You couldn’t have made THAT more obvious if you skywrote it across all of Rosewood, boyfriend!
Vampires always drive the nicest cars . . .
Without waiting for a response to his statement, Facelift Vampire Jason pulls Aria in for a necksucking kiss, and Aria lingers a bit longer than someone who has NO feelings for a person should.
*nom-nom, nom* Tastes like chicken . . .
It all seemed a bit rushed to me. And I was surprised by how LITTLE game Facelift Vampire Jason has. Aria might have been surprised too, as she nervously sputters that she is taken, before dashing back to the house . . .
“Rats, foiled again . . .”
Watching this exchange is Blind Jenna and Police Boy Garrett . . . well, at least ONE of them is watching . . .
The pair express concern that Aria and Jason will “hook up,” and she will get him to remember what happened on the night of Ali’s murder. This conversation once again seems to confirm my theory that Jason DID NOT kill Ali, but was passed out nearby, when the murder was going down. Whether B.J. (my new nickname for Blind Jenna . . . like it?) and Police Boy actually COMMITTED the murder themselves, remains to be seen.
Elsewhere, in Sleuthing Spencer Land . . .
Photo Finish
After having a weird conversation with her mother, in which the latter tells her she shouldn’t trust ANY of the Dilaurentis’, and that her father’s decision to DESTROY Ali’s murder weapon was probably the right one, a high strung Spencer commandeers Emily to go snooping around Facelift Vampire Jason’s secret vampire bat cave . . .
“Hi, Spencer Face . . . please allow me to introduce you to Emily Face . . .”
What they find in there is a photo dark room, filled with a ton of surveillance equipment, and . . . wait for it . . . photos of close-ups of various parts of Aria’s body taken . . . WHILE SHE WAS SLEEPING . . .
SOMEBODY wears a lot of makeup to bed . . .
Spencer and Emily hear Jason returning to the dark room to jerk off, or eat bunnies, your pick and escape just in time, except THEY FORGOT THEIR FLASHLIGHT! Morons.
“Great! I needed one of these!”
When they dumbly return to get it, the girls are shocked to find that Jason has cleared the place of everything . . . EXCEPT THEIR FLASHLIGHT!
Spencer Face and Emily Face: The Sequel
The girls frantically try to call Aria to warn her, but can’t seem to get her on the phone. Will they find her, before Facelift Vampire Jason makes her his Princess of Eternal Darkness? Only time will tell . . .
In the final moments of the episode, we see Gloved Hand, in the formerly empty dark room developing . . . you guessed it, an incriminating shot of Spencer and Emily breaking into Jason’s shed. Someone has some EXPLAINING TO DO!
Geez! I thought “A” was supposed to be all “HI-TECH.” Why not invest in a digital camera?
And that’s all she wrote, my Pretties. Next week on PLL . . . THIS . . .
Oh, and yes, Facelift Vampire Jason. Since you asked, we ARE still afraid of you we just don’t think you actually killed Alison . . . 🙂
SPENCER: Pssst, don’t look now, but there’s a BIG GIANT ALISON HEAD behind us . . .
EMILY: Maybe, if we ignore it, it will go away . . .
Poor “sweet” Alison! Perhaps, if there wasn’t a memorial service for her every two episodes, people would stop trying to sabotage them . . .
Hello, my Pretties! This week on PLL, we got to meet Alison’s Mommy, Samara’s “friend,” and a whole lot of dresses. We also got to see how well our favorite little liars can work the Runway . . .
Ten innocent bottles of hairspray were harmed in the making of this picture. FOR SHAME!
Also this week, no hot men took off their shirts . . .
“Oh the humanity!”
. . . which is why I decided to do THIS for you . . .
You’re welcome!
Wipe the drool off your mouths, girls . . . because it’s time to get this Pretty Little Recap started . . .
“It’s All Fun and Games, Until Someone Hacks Up a Hairball.”
Here’s a Riddle: How many Pretty Little Liars does it take to fold a bunch of fashion show programs?
Answer: Apparently, all of them. (Because folding is . . . like . . . hard . . . or something.)
When the episode begins, the Fabulous Foursome is in Spencer’s room (at least, I think it’s Spencer’s room), preparing for the annual school fashion show / charity event / function where “A” will inevitably torture the girls, and make them wish they were never born. As has become the norm, the girls spend the opening scenes of the episode, helpfully rehashing what happened last week, and trying to figure out who killed Alison. Spencer reminds us, that just because Creepy Pedo Ian didn’t kill Alison on the raunchy sex tape, doesn’t mean he didn’t do it later . . .
You’re not off the hook yet, Buddy! (Poor choice of words?)
Hanna wonders whether “A” isn’t Ali’s actual killer. It’s interesting how, at the beginning of the series, both the girls themselves, and most PLL fans, had always ASSUMED the aforementioned premise to be true. Then, sometime in the middle of the first season, the theory that “A” and Ali’s killer were two DIFFERENT people seemed to become commonly accepted. Now, it seems, with Creepy Pedo Ian dead, the girls, at least, have returned to the first theory.
But, hey, who needs to talk about “boring stuff” like Ali’s killer, when we can talk about EXCITING stuff, like what kind of lip gloss Hanna was wearing when she started cleaning Caleb’s teeth with her tongue, at the end of last week’s episode?
Apparently, she was wearing the sticky kind that tends to get hair stuck to it . . . hair like Caleb’s long luscious locks. Aria (who’s already a little bit pissy, because, not only did Fitzy REFUSE to hug her in public, last week, he also ditched her this week to enter the PLL Lost Significant Other Vortex “attend some lame college conference”) has some choice words to say about that . . .
By the way, I don’t know about you, but, lip gloss or no lipgloss, I’ve never had the experience of hacking up hairballs from making out with guys. Perhaps, Aria just kisses hairier men than I do!
Don’t worry, Fitzy! I wasn’t talking about YOU . . . (See shaved tummy picture above)
Speaking of Aria’s many hairy suitors, she gets a text message from one of them, just shortly after making her hairball comment . . .
OK, here’s another question: How many of you actually include FULL NAMES in your cell phone contacts? I mean, I understand that Jason is a fairly common guy’s name. So, maybe a popular girl like Aria has four or five friends named Jason. But still, wouldn’t “Jason D” be sufficient? Or “Jason Ali’s Bro”? Or, my personal favorite, “Facelift Jason?” Honestly, I’m not even sure a name like “Jason Dilaurentis” would fit in my cell phone contact list! A name like that would probably take up MY ENTIRE SCREEN! But, I digress . . .
Text Message Reply: “Hello, Jason Dilaurentis. Aria Montgomery would very much like to meet you outside in your car, so that we can discuss the fact that you are still a murder suspect, and perhaps, if we are lucky, make out. Don’t worry, I am wearing a special lipgloss that minimizes hairball creation.”
Being sure not to tell the girls who she is meeting (They, of course, assume it’s Fitzy), Aria heads out in the dark of night to rendezvous with Facelift Jason.
Try to forget, for a moment, that he has been eye f*&king her to near-pregnancy in every scene the two of them shared, since he got his new face. Do you want to know why I THINK it’s obvious that Facelift Jason wants a First Class Trip inside the Montgomery Pantalones? Let’s put it this way, he asked to meet her in secret . . . in his expensive car . . . in the middle of the night . . . just to tell her not to tell anybody about something he said to her the day before.
“Don’t worry Facelift Jason, I’m going to keep this between you, me, “A,” and the million or so folks who watch Pretty Little Liars, every week . . .”
Wouldn’t a “Don’t tell your Big Mouth Friends that I think I may have killed my sister, while in the midst of a Drunken Rage Blackout” text message would have sufficed, in this situation?
Anyway, Facelift Jason is relieved that Aria is thankful enough to him for not ratting her bratty brother out as a Dirty Thief, to not rat him out as a Drug Addict / Potential Sister Killer. Everybody WINS! (Well, except Ali of course . . . who’s dead . . . and Creepy Pedo Ian, who’s also dead).
Dads Behaving Badly . . .
Talk about sending a bad message! There are FOUR DADS on this show. And if my theories about Spencer’s papa is correct, the ONLY one of them who has never been unfaithful to his lady love, is the one who’s too busy fighting for his country to have time to do so!
“YAY! I WIN!”
In a scene that’s highly reminiscent of the Aria’s Parents Secretly Start Dating One Another Again storyline (BARF!), Hanna comes home to find her divorced Mommy and Daddy slowly getting eachother wasted with Martinis, and looking at one another, like they want to do it on the counter, right in front of their daughter.
“I’m so glad you guys decided to fork over the money for my therapy. Because I am REALLY going to need a shrink, after seeing this . . .”
Some might argue that Hanna should be happy that her parents are possibly reconciling. And yet, this jaded blonde has been around the block enough times with her Douchey Dad to have developed a healthy dose of skepticism toward his ever-evolving definition of “family.” “What’s for dessert?” She asks her “sperm donor” snidely. “Or are you saving that for your new family?”
Meanwhile, elsewhere in Dysfunctional Family Land, Spencer has just finished probably having super hot sex with Abs Toby . . .
. . . when she overhears her dad loudly arguing with someone on the phone. Specifically, he is telling someone that he or she “clearly doesn’t have control over a certain situation, if Jason is back home.” Cue Spencer Face!
When Spencer asks her dad about the telephone conversation, he acts suspicious enough that it prompts Spencer to dial the last number he called, after he conveniently leaves the phone on the kitchen table.
“Do you like Scary Movies?”
Upon doing that, she quickly learns that the woman her Dad was screaming at was none other than . . . wait for it . . . Ali’s and Jasons’ Mom, Jessica DiLaurentis . . .
BUSTED!
Now, I’m guessing that Spencer’s POP and his Lady Friend were both using landlines to make this call, considering (1) Spencer had to press Redial to solve the mystery, instead of simply looking at the “Dialed Calls” list that is now available on pretty much every cell phone made in the last FIVE YEARS; (2) Dead Ali’s Mom conveniently stated her FULL NAME, upon picking up the phone, which means that she obviously didn’t realize that the call was coming from the Exact Same Person Who Just Called Her Moments Ago.
*sigh* Old People . . . they never learn . . . 😉
Now, to me, it seems pretty obvious that the “Big Secret” Spencer’s Dad and Ali’s Mom are hiding is that they had an affair at some point. And the reason that Spencer’s Dad is so miffed about Jason returning to town is that HE KNOWS ABOUT IT, somehow. Then again, I could be TOTALLY wrong . . .
In other Parental Unit News, Emily’s Mom is getting all weepy about missing Emily’s Dad . . .
*insert blubbering noises here*
So, Emily suggests that she go stay with him in Texas for a while, so the two can have Wild and Crazy Monkey Sex in the army barracks get “reacquainted,” while Emily finishes out the school year in Rosewood.
“WOO HOO! Parties every night at my house! You’re all invited!”
Dressed to Kill (or Be Killed)
The next day, Spencer and Aria are talking about how suspicious Facelift Jason is acting (Actually, Spencer is talking about that. Aria is sticking up for Facelift Jason, like it’s her JOB! Watch out, Fitzy!), when they get a strange e-mail from Alison’s mom, inviting all four of the PLL’s to lunch . . . UH OH!
OK . . . now this may be because I’m a TOTAL NERD, but I had so much fun reading the subject headings for all of Spencer’s FAKE E-MAILS! Someone in the production department probably had a blast coming up with these! Here are some questions I had: (1) Why is Melissa e-mailing Spencer for “lunch” when she (a) hates her now, because of the Ian thing, and (b) is supposedly on vacation? (2) Whose birthday is it, that Spencer is getting them cupcakes? (3) Spencer plays the flute? (4) What the heck is Albacore Design? And why does Spencer keep making and canceling orders from them?
Cue, the most AWKWARD lunch meeting ever . . .
Only the swankiest of restaurants serve their drinks in jars of leaves . . .
Alison’s mom, who’s looking a bit looped, after her fourth Bloody Mary before noon (Hey, I’m sure it’s Happy Hour, SOMEWHERE!), is apparently STILL head of the school board, despite the fact that neither of her children have attended Rosewood Prep in at least a year. (Maudlin much?) She recalls depressingly how much her Dead Daughter loved the Annual Fashion show, and asks the Pretty Little Liars to dedicate a portion of the show to Alison, while each wearing dresses that the SHE picked out, before she was murdered.
“Even in death, I am still making you feel self-conscious, and not-so-subtly criticizing your taste in clothing, MWAH-HAHAHA!”
The girls (rightfully) think this is an ABSOLUTELY AWFUL IDEA. I mean . . . we all remember what happened THE LAST TIME these four made a memorial for Ali, right?
R.I.P. Ugly Ass Memorial Fountain
But still, they have to do it. Because, really, how can you say no to a grieving Mom?
As if the Annual Fashion Show hadn’t become frightening enough, Spencer soon learns that Annoying Mona has stolen the position of Committee Chairperson right out from under her during that whole Under Suspicion for Murdering Ali Fiasco (not to mention completely discarded the programs Spencer spent hours painstakingly FOLDING) . . .
“We thought you were like going to jail, or something,” offers Mona, in a faux sweet voice. “Decisions had to be made. I made them.”
“That’s right, Mona. I’ve never murdered anyone. But keep talking, and that might change real fast.”
I’ve gotta say, Janel Parrish (the actress who plays Mona) is spectacular. The way she portrays this character makes me GENUINELY want to reach into the television and wring her neck, every time she is on screen! Her voice is like nails on a chalkboard to me. Like Spencer, I have no idea why a fun, funny, non-annoying, girl like Hanna would ever willingly spend time with such a slimy toad. Mona is probably the kind of girl who gets spit or worse in her food EVERY SINGLE TIME she eats at a restaurant, if you catch my drift . . .
Mona’s personal “chef”
Fortunately, for Spencer, she has Toby at her side, to prevent her from doing bodily harm to the Evil Mona . . .
Things just went from awkward . . . to annoying . . . to dangerously creepy, in about two minutes flat . . .
Sometimes the Truth Hurts . . .
Peek-a-BOOB!
Apparently, Emily’s new girlfriend has more talents than just the ability to fangirl at swim meets, and successfully lie to parents, she’s also quite the master seamstress! We find Samara at Emily’s house, gleefully fondling the latter’s lady parts, under the guise of fitting her in Alison’s dress for the fashion show . . .
“Ummm . . . Samara? My eyes are UP HERE!”
Between you and me, Samara has always struck me as being a bit insecure about the extent of Emily’s feelings for her. Perhaps, she senses that her new girl Friday seems more than a bit hung up on her former Ex-Loves (and current PLL Vortex Inhabitants) Maya and Little Orphan Bitchy . . .
“LET US OUT! WE’VE BEEN TRAPPED IN HERE FOR MONTHS!”
So, it is not surprising to me that Samara purposefully tries to “test” Emily, by asking if she could bring a “date” with her to the fashion show. Not wanting to seem too possessive over her “friend with benefits,” Emily reluctantly agrees, even managingto offer Samara a polite little smile, upon hearing the request . . . (Threesome, anyone?)
Meanwhile, after hearing from her Mother that memories lost during alcoholic blackouts can be revived with proper coaxing and psychological support (By the way, kudos to Aria’s mom for not-so-subtly copping to taking part in underage drinking, back in the day.) . . .
“To be honest, Aria, I’m still a bit hazy about the night you were conceived. . .”
. . . Shrink Aria meets up with Facelift Jason (who looks so much like Ali, they really could be brother and sister) . . .
. . . to review the pictures of Ali they plan to use in their slideshow tribute to the Dead Girl, during the fashion show . . .
Hey FaceliftJason, how do you expect to see the pictures, if you keep STARING LOVINGLY AT ARIA, while she’s showing them to you?
Things are going well, until Aria starts peppering Facelift Jason with questions about the night of the accident. Once he figures out what she’s trying to do, he gets SUPER defensive, and eventually storms off. I guess SOME memories are better off repressed . . .
“Nice going, ARIA! You just totally blew your opportunity to have sex with me . . . ummm . . . Well . . . actually, I’d still kind of like to have sex with you . . . if you want to have sex with me. Do you? WOULD YOU? Pretty please, with a weiner on top?”
Speaking of Men in Denial, Hanna’s father refuses to cop to the fact that the REAL reason he keeps hanging around the house, is that he wants to get back into Hanna’s mom’s pants . . .
“You want relationship advice, DAD? Did I ever tell you about the time my boyfriend was PAID to seduce me, and took my virginity in a tent outside? Good times!”
Beauty is Painful (and, sometimes, even deadly)
“Gee, thanks a lot A! Now our chances of becoming contestants on America’s Next Top Model are pretty much ruined!”
What started off as a fairly slow, and uneventful episode, definitely picked up the pace, during the climactic annual fashion show, where, in just minutes . . .
. . . Emily met the Mister to her girlfriend, Samara’s “Misses,” and became insanely jealous (which was precisely why Samara brought her along, in the first place). This eventually, prompted Emily and Samara to have “The Talk” about the status of their relationship, and whether they should take it to the “next level.” (Nothing was really decided, however.)
Hanna went for a liquor run, and got an eyefull of her supposedly-separated parents dry-humping on the dance floor, instead . . .
PAPA MARIN: “Let’s make another baby . . . right here . . . while our daughter watches.”
MAMA MARIN: “Oh, Daddy! You always DID know how to sweet talk me . . .”
“Oh, MY EYES! I think I just went blind . . .”
*laughs maniacally* “Mission accomplished!”
Speaking of Hanna, the uninvited Caleb decides to crash the Fashion Show, in order to support her, whether she wants to be supporte or not. (Something tells me, Ashley won’t be the ONLY Marin girl to be getting some nookie tonight . . .)
Spencer spots her Dad fighting with Ali’s Mom again. (Where’s SPENCER’S MOM, anyway? On vacation with Crazy Nanny Carrie Melissa?)
Spencer is also asked by Mona — who is randomly wearing weird librarian glasses — to deliver the Ali Tribute CD to Bushy Eyebrows Noel (a potentially important detail that we will touch upon, in just a bit) . . .
When Spencer hands the CD off to Bushy Eyebrows, he asks her if she wants to watch it first, to make sure it is “OK.” Spencer says “No” . . . a decision she will undoubtedly come to regret later not that it matters, since Bushy and Mona probably would have switched the CDs at the last minute anyway, if they are, in fact, behind all this.
Meanwhile, Jason continues to have visual intercourse with Aria, even though he is supposedly still “mad at her” . . .
It’s important to practice safe eyesex, boys and girls! You never know where else your partner has LOOKED, before you!
The fashion show begins, and our PLL girls strut their stuff, and shake their asses, down the runaway to the cheers and catcalls of a mixture of adoring parents, and potential pedophiles . . .
If The Flintstones was ever made into a porno, I’m pretty sure Betty Rubble would be wearing an outfit like Emily’s . . .
Then the music changes, and it’s time for the Ali Tribute. The girls smile politely, as they walk out together, in the dresses that Ali herself never had the chance to showcase . . .
Cute dresses . . . but I’m not loving the hair choices . . .
Suddenly, the music gets all angry, and death metal-ly. Then, THIS HAPPENS and, it’s really NO SUPRISE AT ALL, CONSIDERING THEY SHOWED THIS PART IN THE MUCHMUSIC PREVIEWS . . .
The whole crowd gasps audibly, as Spencer rushes to turn off the slideshow, and Ali’s mom rushes out of the room in tears . . .
(OK, now I know it’s is probably an inappropriate time to ask this, but who’s the Extra sitting next to Facelift Jason? He’s CUTE! Hey, Buddy, if you are reading this, Call Me!)
Once the chaos has died down, the PLL girls find themselves alone on stage, in entirely different dresses, than the ones they were wearing earlier. (I love that Hanna is wearing the inappropriate Nikki Minaj Concert Dress she wanted to wear to Creepy Pedo Ian’s funeral!) Of course, “A” has one final message she wants to deliver just to them . . .
. . . make that TWO final messages . . .
Given “A’s” passion for fashion, and b*tchy snarkery, not to mention that “my dresses” comment, it is becoming more and more apparent that “A” is a WOMAN (which is not to say that she doesn’t have a male companion by her side to do the “heavy lifting.”) In particular, the final scene of the episode, seems to suggest that the Gloved Hand is manicured underneath the leather (more on that later) . . .
The Aftermath . . .
Understandably, the PLL girls are pretty darn eager to escape the school auditorium, after all that happened to them there. Hanna cuts out with a wide-eyed and clearly smitten Caleb (But where’s LUCAS?) . . .
Meanwhile, Aria is accosted by a sickeningly smug-looking Bushy Eyebrows Noel, who seems WAY TOO PLEASED WITH HIMSELF, when he hands her back the incriminating CD . . .
“Hi, my name is Bushy Eyebrows Noel. I butcher small puppies for fun, and feed them to the hungry furry caterpillars sitting over my eyelids.”
I have to say, I cheered a bit when Facelift Jason intervened, and broke the CD with his barehands. (On the other hand, now we might never know who tampered with the damn thing!)
The pair end up leaving together in his car . . . sound familiar?
Back at home, we get three quick parental moments, in short succession. In the first, Hanna’s dad FINALLY admits to still being in love with Hanna’s mom. And Hanna finally accepts him back into her life . . . (Repeat after me, “AWWWW!)
“So, if your Mom’s room’s a-rockin, don’t come a-knockin”
Emily’s mom decides to go to Texas to see her husband, and, therefore, lets Emily bunk with the Marin’s for the rest of the year. (Because, apparently, the Marin house is the equivalent to the Rosewood Homeless Teen Shelter . . . just ask Caleb!)
(This seemed like kind of a random plot point to me. I’m thinking “Mom” landed a movie role, or TV pilot, or something . . .)
Finally, Spencer’s Dad reluctantly admits to fighting with Ali’s and Jason’s Mom, and warns Spencer to stay away from Facelift Jason so that he can’t tell her about the AFFAIR!.
Remember, how I told you that the last scene seemed to pretty strongly suggest that “A” / Gloved Hand was a woman? Well, it begins with a closeup on an array of open fashion magazines kind of like the ones MONA might have used to create the new Fashion Show program. Now, I don’t mean to be sexist, but how many men DO YOU KNOW that read women’s fashion magazines (Well, aside from the MALE FASHION DESIGNERS, of course)? Gloved Hand then orders a pair of fashionable women’s boots online in Size 5.5. (very small feet!), and delivers them to an as-of-yet unknown address . . .
(By the way, have you ever tried using a laptop, while wearing gloves? It’s IMPOSSIBLE . . . Not to mention, it makes your hands really sweaty.)
So, which PLL girl is about to get a new pair of shoes from “A?” Tune in next week to find out! Until next time, My Pretties!
Let's Go Shopping!
Buy Comeuppance!
Buy Hollywood Warlock!
Buy InGENEious!
Buy Life Sucks, Death Bites!
Buy Me and You, Inc.!
Snarky Goes to Hollywood!
The Exquisite Corpse
TV Recappers Anonymous 