Greetings Fangbangers! This week’s installment of The Vampire Diaries explored the many ways in which humans (and vampires) can be prisoners . . .
“Is it Friday yet?”
They can be literal prisoners, locked in jail cells and deprived of freedom, like Damon, Sexy New Latin Lover Enzo (played by newcomer Michael Malarkey . . . mama like . . . . A LOT), and later Elena, were to those wackjob sadists fondly referred to as “Augustine” . . .
“On the bright side, conjugal visits just became much more convenient.”
They could be prisoners of their own bodies and mortality, like the supposedly-rapidly-decaying-and-dying-but-still-looks-frustratingly-stunning-sexy-and-wrinkle-free Katherine Pierce . . .
Wait until she learns that humans actually gain weight . . .
They could be prisoners of their sorry fate and unfortunately evil legacy, like that eternal sad sack, who makes Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh, look downright cheery, Aaron Whitmore . . .
And they could be prisoners of their own minds, like good ole “my girlfriend dumped me for my brother, and my face twin, locked me in a safe at the bottom of a river, hence all the screaming, hyperventilating and crying I’ve been doing lately,” Stefan . . .
“Dear WebMD, does Aspirin work on Vampires?”
Whatever your personal prison, you didn’t need to have vampire blood running through your brains to relate to at least one of the storylines of “The Cell,” which, as a refreshing change from the uber complex mythology and whiplash fast repeated plot twists of “the Silas Storyline” actually worked pretty well as a standalone episode, with a focus on character motivation and basic interpersonal relationships that we haven’t really seen since the series’ heyday back in Season 2.
So break out your favorite trusty old safe (hopefully, you’ve sanitized it first), choke down your daily blood rations, and turn up the radio on that old classic 50’s tune, because it’s time to “go a-walking after midnight” with this latest TVD recap . . .
La Casa de Rich and Slimy
No wonder, Damon never had any qualms about offing his ancestor Zach Salvatore back in Season 1 of TVD! It seems these Salvatores have a pretty long history of familial betrayal . . . one that dates back at least as far as the early 50’s, when Some Random Salvatore used the now infamous Boarding House (where Damon and Stefan have been drinking, sexing up numerous women who look like Nina Dobrev, and brooding for the past five seasons) to lure a very James Dean-y version of Damon into a life of captivity and torture, all for “the good of science” and a bit of cash, of course.
When Damon found out about this betrayal (upon receiving a neck full of vervain for his trouble) he was less than pleased.
And so, he found a rather creative way to seek vengeance on his less-than-trustworthy relative: death-by-whiskey-glass. Granted, this form of death is not quite as visually appealing, as a good old-fashioned heart-extraction-from-chest-and-subsequent-tossing-of-heart-on-floor-like-it’s-a-piece-of-lint-on-your-shirt, but it will do in a pinch.
“This whiskey tastes funny. Perhaps, it has something to do with the rim of the glass having just been inside my great, great, great grandson’s carotid artery . . .”
Enter Dr. Whitmore . . .
Psycho sadist by day, douchebag who wears a pocket square by night . . .
He’s thrilled that Death-By-Whiskey resulted in a surprise discount on his Vampire Pin Cushion purchase, but bummed that his test subject is still awake. Fortunately, a bit more vervain will fix that right up . . .
Back in the present day, Damon finds himself once again, a P.O.W. (Prisoner of Whitmore). Only this time, fashions have changed (he’s wearing a black shirt instead of a white one), and vampire jail is much lonelier without a super sexy guest star in the next cell with which to shoot the breeze. Fortunately for Damon, company is on the way . . .
“Black is the new black.”
“Sorry all your friends and family died. But let’s talk about me for a change . . .”
It appears that one of the unfortunate side effects of being on a show where everybody’s sole point of interest and topic of conversation is you, is that you tend to become a wee bit self-absorbed . . .
“But enough about me, let’s talk about me.”
And because she is a victim of her own circumstances, I guess we have to cut Elena a bit of slack for KILLING JESSE one night, and popping up at his MASSIVELY DEPRESSED TO THE POINT OF BEING SUICIDAL former roommate’s dorm room the next morning, and asking him to come frolicking with her in search of her errant boyfriend.
Fortunately, for Elena, Sad Aaron is so desperate for non-brutally murdered people to befriend, that if he spotted a cockroach on his window sill, he’d probably invite it out for beers, and offer to be its wingman while it tried to pick up chicks . . .
And so he gallantly invites the only person on the show who is a bigger Grim Reaper than he is, over to his family mansion where, unbeknownst to him, his “guardian” is using Elena’s boyfriend to play a live action version of the beloved childhood game “Operation.” (Just don’t remove his funny bone, Mmm-kay, Doctor Death. We like our Elder Salvatore Brother sexy AND snarky.)
If you recall, the last time Elena was here, she had to hang out outside, because the owner of the house wasn’t around to invite her in. This time, she dances around awkwardly, waiting for Aaron to do the polite thing, and let the female bloodsucker cross his threshold.
It’s at this point in the story that we learn (1) Aaron is a Whitmore, which means his dead family like TOTALLY owns the college; (2) Elena’s dad may or may not have been in league with the nefarious Augustines; and (3) Doctor Death became Aaron’s legal guardian, after the death of his last living relative Useless Aunt Jenna Aunt Sarah.
We interrupt this trip down Plot Twist lane, so that Elena can get stabbed in the neck with a vervain syringe . . .
(Personally, I prefer the good old fashioned neck snap for characters who need a “temporary time out,” but I guess this will do, in a pinch.)
Another Fail “Safe” Plan
Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Stefan thinks writing about her problems in a diary will make Katherine want to kill herself less.
(Yeah, Stefan, because that worked SO WELL for you!)
But Katherine has never really been much of a writer (or a reader) for that matter. So, she tells Stefan he should stop focusing on Katherine’s suicidal tendencies and start trying to figure out why the same guy who ate his own father without flinching, now goes into girly hysterics every time he pictures an itty bitty box . . .
I mean, I thought vampires were supposed to like coffins?
Katherine invites her new bestie Caroline over to shock Stefan out of his PTSD, by locking him in a safe, until he’s not afraid of being there anymore.
She even brought her own trusty safe to use in Stefan’s treatment. “But don’t worry,” she tells the seriously freaked out younger Salvatore brother. “I sanitized it.”
Yes, Caroline, because germs have always been a vampire’s worst enemy . . .
Stefan’s first run-in with the safe doesn’t exactly go well, in the sense that he’s throwing a full-on temper tantrum within minutes of getting inside. (Can you imagine this guy in a tanning bed? It would not be pretty.)
Katherine wonders out loud whether Stefan’s problem is not the safe at all, but rather, his pen*s. This logic inspires in her a rather brilliant idea. (Katherine not be particularly literary. And she may never have enrolled in Psych 101, like Caroline. But if she’s an expert in anything it’s Vampire Pen*s . . .)
“This one time . . . in Augustine Vampire Jail . . .”
Finding themselves reunited in Vampire Jail with a sturdy wall of bars between them, Elena and Damon find themselves with a bit of time to kill.
And so, Damon decides to regale Elena about his zany prison adventures with a hot European soldier Vamp named Enzo. You see, this isn’t Damon’s first time at the rodeo. He’s been a vampire test subject once before.
(By the way, over 50 some-odd years of experimentation with the undead, and these guys are still doing things like testing vampire light sensitivity, and their ability to regenerate limbs? Any teenager who has read Twilight could tell you that. Worst Medical Researchers EVER!)
Damon discusses how Enzo and him developed a friendship through the bars of their personal vampire prison, while chugging down a single shot glass of blood each day to keep themselves from desiccation. While they took turns being brutally tortured by that icy cyborg Dr. Whitmore (charm cleary runs in this family), the two bonded over lost lady loves (Enzo’s was a benevolent researcher named Maggie), music (“I go a-walking . . . after midnight . . . out in the moonlight . . .lalala”), and their mutual hatred for all things Whitmore. Time passed, until finally, after one New Years, the vampire bromantics finally devised a plan for their inevitable escape from Torture Town.
The plan involved Damon drinking both his and Enzo’s rations, and secretly growing stronger, over the course of a year, so that when the two were let out for the annual New Year’s party, Damon would be strong enough to free Enzo from the pokey, and the pair could live happily ever after . . . literally . . . you know . . . because they are immortal and stuff . . .
A whole year, comprised of doing nothing but regularly submitting to torture and drinking shots of red stuff . . . talk about a LOOOOOOOONNNG CON. (Though, honestly, it seems strange that Enzo wouldn’t have desiccated during that time, seeing as he was drinking nothing for an entire year, and the whole point of the rations was to keep both vampires alive and weak.)
Because Katherine Pierce is just kinky like that . . .
When this box is a rocking, don’t come a-knocking . . .
Stefan opens his eyes in the Evil Box to find Katherine right next to him, sweating it out with him. (Geez! It’s a good thing Stefan isn’t claustrophobic.) He freaks out, of course, threatens to kill her, gently chokes her, makes a big show of breathing heavily on her neck. It’s supposed to be scary, but it’s kind of hot, and you can tell both parties are totally turned on by it . . .
Katherine explains to Stefan that his fear of safes is really just a sublimation of the feelings of abandonment he experienced when Elena dumped him for Stefan. It’s some pretty high brow talk for a girl who’s used to speaking almost entirely in sexual innuendos! Then, in a voice that’s oddly Elena like, Katherine gently reminds Stefan that she’s there for him.
This has the impact of giving Stefan a major boner, and making him temporarily forget that he’s locked in a death trap of a safe with a dying human blood bag.
“Wakey, wakey!”
Caroline pops open the safe, unfortunately cock blocking the hundred plus year-old flames before they have a chance to let the REAL healing begin. But Stefan isn’t mad at his gal pal. His PTSD is cured!
Now if he could just find a remedy for these . . .
A little while later, Katherine confronts Stefan in the study, and lightly teases him about an ugly chair he broke, while in the throes of PTSD. Stefan admits that he finally has to make a point to move on from Elena. Katherine is uncharacteristically demure when she admits that sometimes she isn’t quite sure what she’s doing. They move closer to one another slowly, like boxers circling each other, eyes locked, wondering whose going to be the one to make the first jab. “My Superman” by Santigold plays in the background, reminding both characters that they’ve “got to live.”
Annnnd the, next thing you know they’re sucking face . . .
Part of me wishes we actually got to see a bit of the good stuff, rather than merely implying that the two characters were boning, by zooming in on Caroline’s horrified and disgusted face, as her vampire hearing picked up the sound of their sex moans, while she was leaving a telephone message for the kidnapped Elena. And yet, I guess there is something to be said for leaving a bit to the imagination.
After all, this “coming together” of Stefan and Katherine was actually much less about sexual tension (though they have it in spades, for sure), and more about them both being precisely what one another needed in that moment. Stefan needed to recognize that his pain over Elena’s abandonment of him was keeping him metaphorically trapped, emotionally suffocated, and afraid of moving on with his life. Katherine’s willingness to be there for him, when he needed it most, literally allowed Stefan to breathe inside that safe, and, subsequently feel freer than he had in a long time.
As for Katherine, her mortality and impending death were making her feel weak, old, and frail, sapping her of her usual survival instincts and will to live. Seeing how much Stefan needed and wanted her, brought Katherine back to herself. It made her feel, strong, sexy, and virile. It gave her the desire to fight for her own survival.
Also, let’s face it, these are two people who REALLY like sex, and haven’t been laid in a few episodes . . . so there’s that . . .
New Year’s Cleave
Back in flashback land, it’s New Year’s Eve and Damon and Enzo are prepped and ready for their great escape. Everything starts off as planned. Damon, emboldened by his extra shot of blood each day, breaks his own bones upon minutes of being let out of the cage, heals them, and then proceeds to pop out Dr. Whitmore’s eyeballs, just as Dr. Whitmore did to him early on in the episode.
You know, because no one gets between Damon and his darling baby blues . . . NO ONE.
Then he, takes the keys to the cages from Dr. Whitmore’s pants, frees hot Enzo and dashes off into the sunset.
Just kidding. That would be the SMART thing to do. Instead, Damon proceeds to kill all the party guests, knock over a candelabra, and set the entire place on fire. Then, the bars are all hot, and Damon can’t save Enzo without becoming fried chicken in the process. So, Damon does what any self-respecting antihero would do, he turns off his emotions, and walks out, leaving his buddy to chargrill. Catch you later, Hot Enzo . . . who is now literally hot . . . as in BURNING TO DEATH HOT.
And so yet another clueless human learns about the existence of vampires is and changed forever . . .
Back in the present day, Doctor Death gives Aaron an impromptu lesson in vampires . . . explains that vampires killed his parents . . . and gives him a vervain watch and some lame vampire research journals as a belated birthday present. Traumatized Aaron travels down to vampire jail to find out which member of the Scooby Gang killed his parents and possibly Megan. He accuses Elena, at first. WRONG! (Though Elena DID kill Jesse, Aaron never quite gets around to asking her about that.)
“Et tu, human version of Eeyore?”
Damon admits that while he didn’t kill any of Aaron’s roommates, he did kill Aaron’s parents, and pretty much all of his ancestors, along with a boatload of Augustines. In a brief flashback, we learn that Damon’s plan for vengeance against the Whitmores had been to kill everyone in their family but one, in each generation, to ensure that he would continue having Whitmore’s to kill for all eternity. He better hope Aaron’s not sterile, because he just killed his last living relative Sarah, a few months back . . . when Damon and Elena had just started dating.
Ruh-roh . . . it looks like, while love heals all wounds, it may not be strong enough to satisfy one’s thirst for vengeance . . . just ask Amanda Clark from Revenge.
What’s worse, many fans are speculating that Damon might very well have been the one to cause Elena’s parent’s accident, seeing as he was present moments before the accident occurred, and Elena’s father is currently presumed to have been a member of the Vampire Torture Fraternity. Is there a Hallmark card out there that reads, “Sorry for maybe killing your parents, and for going on killing spree road trips, when you and I were supposed to be at home having mind blowing sex? If so, Damon better start shopping for it now . . .
Aaron thanks Damon for his confession, by shooting him in the head. Nighty night, Damon.
He wakes up a few moments later to find his girlfriend missing from her cell . . .
Someone needs to get more music on his iPod . . .
When you think about it, it’s a bit ironic that the haunting oldies tune “Walking After Midnight,” of all tunes, was the one that played in the background throughout most of “The Cell,” especially when you consider how little walking our Scooby Gang did during this episode. I mean, seriously, this might very well have been the least ambulatory episode of TVD of all time! Everyone seemed to be either, locked up in jail cells, or lying down in safes, strapped down to examination tables, or dumbfoundedly watching others lay around, sit around, or lie around in those places.
How does that old saying go? Something about idle hands being the devil’s playthings?
Well, the same thing could possibly be said about idles minds and mouths, if Enzo (Welcome back, Enzo! We just knew you were too damn good looking and charismatic to be a one-off flashback character on this show.) and his creepy crooning of what may very well be the ONLY song he’s been listening to nonstop since 1953, while strapped down next to Poor!Elena on an examination table, waiting to get his weiner chopped off or some such nonsense in the name of pseudo-science-as-an-excuse-for torture. Let’s all invest in an iTunes gift card for this guy for Christmas, what do you say?
That said, it does appear that Doctor Death at least took the time to get Enzo a modern day haircut, and update his wardrobe. (Though, to be honest, I was kind of partial to his greaser duds. They were sexy.) This, of course, begs the question: why bother to play dress up with a guy you only let out once a year to be your dancing monkey at parties? Could Enzo be THE Augustine Vampire to which Doctor Death has been referring all this time? The one who has become allegiant to the same society that tortured him for over half a century? The one that killed sweet Megan and her adorable glasses?
Next week, on The Vampire Diaries mid-season finale, Sad Sack Aaron learns that it’s hard out there for a relatively wimpy human on a show full of vampires. Just ask Matt . . .
Also, next week, Katherine dabbles in some cardio . . .
Greetings, Fangbangers! It’s no secret that everyone’s favorite teen vampire show has always been a bit of a sausage factory . . .
. . . at least metaphorically speaking . . .
For four seasons, the series has been almost exclusively dominated, both in the hero and in the villain column, by eternally youthful and modelesque men with uncommonly large . . .
. . . muscles . . .
. . . super human strength, razor-sharp teeth . . .
tortured souls, and hearts of only slightly tarnished gold who, despite being instantly desired by everyone they meet, seem to only have eyes for the daintiest, most delicate, of damsels of distress, who just so happen to live right next door . . .
OK . . . so maybe they aren’t always all that dainty. But I think you get my point . . . Mystic Falls has almost always been a man’s world, where the women may be the prizes, but the men are typically the fighters.
And that’s always been OK with me . . . because . . . I like sausage . . . A LOT!
That said, this week’s female-dominated hour felt like a refreshing change of pace. It was an hour dominated by women heroines (and anti-heroines) joining forces to protect the men they cared about most . . .
. . . sassy foreign chicks with strange unidentifiable accents, who consistently outsmarted every single man with whom they came in contact . . .
. . . and QuetzalcotalQ*bertCatsoup QUETSIYAH . . . a wacked-out, bad-ass witch who takes the concept of post-breakup brooding to an entirely new level . . .
(I mean, most of us just buy a pint of Baskin Robbins, break out the sweatpants, cry a bit on the couch and call it a day.)
Now, THIS is a Big Bad I can get behind!
Let’s review, shall we?
Because Hipsters Taste Like Chicken . . .
The episode opens with Stefan, fresh from his summer-long stint hanging out underwater with the cast of Finding Nemo . . .
. . . stumbling down a deserted street at near-dawn, looking less like a hungry vampire and more like one of the dancers in the music video for Michael Jackson’s Thriller . . .
He’s doing that dazed, sort of shuffle step thing you do when you’ve just gotten out of a REALLY long movie, and realize that at some point during the second half of Lord of the Rings you’ve forgotten how to walk . . .
Let’s not forget, Stefan has just been on a summer-long, starvation diet, which means he’ll look great in his new swim trunks. But . . .
Stefan’s first order of business as a free vamp is to get some breakfast to go. He stops at the generically named Joe’s Bar, where the only thing on the menu is a hipstery looking bartender who somewhat resembles Lindsay Lohan’s ex girlfriend, Samantha Ronson . . .
It’s far from the gourmet meal he was hoping for in that it probably tastes a lot like cigarette ash, overpriced hashish, and music by Bon Iver, but it will have to do in a pinch . . . Seconds after chowing down on the little lady, Stefan suffers a crisis of conscious, or maybe just a bad case of indigestion. Either way, he allows Not-Sam-Ronson escape with her life . . .
Silly Stefan! Who goes on a tropical adventure and forgets to pack their sunscreen . . . ring?
I Dream of Steffy
Meanwhile, over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elena Gilbert wakes up in bed in cold sweat, wondering why she had a dream about Sam Ronson, and thinking it might be because she’s been watching too many episodes of TMZ, circa 2008. Damon is lying in bed next to Elena, wondering how anyone could manage to sleep in La Casa de Rich and Awesome and have a dream about anyone other than him!
Then Katherine stumbles into the room and announces that she had the same dream. Damn that pesky, Sam Ronson! She ruins everything, including Damon’s beauty sleep.
Of course, everyone remembers that Stefan was in the dream too. So, they all head off on a road trip to Random Bar, USA to find Stefan, and literally “put a ring on it,” before his finely chiseled face starts to look like a sundried tomato . . .
Shortly thereafter, we are treated to a scene in which Nina Dobrev (Elena), other Nina Dobrev (Katherine), and Ian Somerhalder (Damon) drive to an undisclosed location, while other Nina Dobrev (Katherine) teases Nina Dobrev (Elena) about not really loving Ian Somerhalder (Damon) as much as she claims that she does, seeing as she continues to have mysterious dreams about Sam Ronson Stefan . . .
Take into consideration the fact that Ian Somerhalder and Nina Dobrev broke up in real life shortly before filming this scene, and you can imagine what’s going through Ian’s head right about now.
Talk about life imitating art! This scene is officially Ian’s worst nightmare come to life! And Damon doesn’t really like it much either . . .
But at least the vampire could take solace in the fact that he still has the girl, something his human counterpart can’t . . .
Invasion of the Pothead Snatchers
Back in Mystic Falls, exotic foreign chick, Nadia, gets a call from Silas, who thinks that Nadia’s last minute decision to kill her boyfriend in a convenient store was a crappy way of her to show her loyalty to the evil villain’s cause. He wants her to do something more profound. Clearly, Silas is being short-sighted. I mean, here is a guy who only drinks human blood out of styrofoam cups, because he finds taking it directly from the skin too tacky and classless. And here, Nadia killed her boyfriend in a place where STYROFOAM CUPS ARE SOLD! It doesn’t get much more meaningful than that . . .
Anywhoo, Silas wants Nadia to steal Bar-Boy Matt’s immortality ring (So much ring theft on this show, this week!) and kill him too. Nadia agrees, but you can tell she’s up to something . . .
She corners Matt in the back of the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls. Matt is understandably concerned, seeing as the last time these two met, some random dude massaged his face, forced him to wear black colored contacts, and then made him take a nap on the floor.
Sure enough Nadia is massaging his face, and forcing him to wear black colored contacts too! Except this time, Matt doesn’t take a nap on the floor. Instead, he starts talking like the villain from every action movie I’ve ever seen. He’s yelling at Nadia for killing him, one minute, and sucking her face the next. And it . . . is . . . AWESOME!
Truth be told, I thought Nadia’s beau Gregor was kind of boring. And Matt can be kind of boring too, at least when he’s not high on pot, then he’s HILARIOUS . . .
But Matt-as-Gregor? NOW THAT GUY is SEXY with a capital S! Who knew Zach Roerig had this in him?
Anywhoo, Nadia tells “Gregor” to call Elena using Matt’s phone. And though we don’t actually get to hear their conversation, we can imagine it goes something like this . . .
“Hey, Matt are you feeling OK?”
“Ahhh . . . ya . . .why?”
“Because you sound like the bad guy from that cartoon we used to watch back when we were kids . . . the one with the talking moose.”
Fortunately, for Nadia and Gregor, Elena is much too self-absorbed to pay any attention to sudden personality transplants exhibited by any character on this show whose name isn’t “Stefan” or “Damon.” And so, she willingly gives Matt/Gregor all the information he needs to find Katherine.
The last we hear of Matt/Gregor he’s asking Nadia to bring him to wherever it is she buried his body (Possibly in the dumpster behind the 7-Eleven where she took his life?). Later that night, Matt wakes up on the floor of his home with mud on his shoes, and no memory of the last six to eight hours.
Just another day in the life of Mystic Falls’ favorite pothead waiter . . .
Speaking of Strange Trips . . .
Stefan awakens in an abandoned cabin, having been rescued by a mysterious woman who looks suspiciously like Sam’s dead girlfriend Luna from True Blood.
At first, Mystery Woman seems like a pretty gracious host. She closes the shades to block out the sun. She offers him a hot beverage . . .
She tells him about how she rescued him, and kindly fed him the owner of the cabin in which they are staying, following his emergence for the sea . . .
Nevertheless, Stefan is understandably leery of his host’s courtesies. After all, this a woman who willingly admits to being in love with SILAS, a guy whose willingly tried on more different faces than a Mr. Potato Head doll . . .
A guy who threw Stefan’s body into the sea, and then nearly Single White Femaled him out of existence . . .
. . . a guy with more personalities than a game of Guess Who . . .
Clearly, a woman who loves Silas has TERRIBLE taste in men, and is generally not to be trusted.
Stefan, ever the gentleman, politely asks his gracious host why she doesn’t find Silas and go jump in a lake with him, never to be seen again. That decision might be good for Stefan, but it would be very bad for the storyline.
Besides, Silas doesn’t want to jump into a lake with Stefan’s host because, the truth of the matter is . . .
You see, Stefan’s host is not Amara, it’s QUETSIYAHHHHHHH!
Eat your heart out, Silas!
Though I’m generally not a fan of heavy flashback episodes, I do like when villains get to tell their side of the story in a way that’s more subtle and emotionally evocative than the typical last-minute, pre-death, desire for World Domination monologue we typically get in shows like these.
Yes, Quetsiyah (or “Tess” as she now likes to be called) is clearly a wackadoodle, bunny-burning baddie of the Fatal Attraction mold, who simply can’t get over the fact that the man she loved didn’t love her back . . .
But she’s also smart, savvy, and has a pretty legitimate beef against her old beau, Si . . .
I mean dumping your girlfriend, because you fell in love with her minion? Understandable.
But jilting your girlfriend at the altar, stealing her immortality cure, and using it on her minion? That’s just AWFUL!
Torture away, Quetsiyah! You’ve earned it!
Did I mention that Silas’ “True Love” looks like this?
I’m officially convinced that in about two seasons, the entire cast of this series will be played by either Nina Dobrev or Paul Wesley. It’s like Orphan Black for vampires . . .
Long story, short. According to Quetsiyah, she finds Amara, forces the cure for immortality down her throat, kills her, rips out her heart and offers it Silas, along with another vial of the cure, so he can die too. You know, like Romeo and Juliet . . . only really, really gross . . .
The problem is that Quetsiyah never planned on letting Silas and Amara be together in the afterlife. Instead, he created this weird walled off purgatory place where Quetsiyah and Silas would be stuck together, hating one another for all eternity. Ahhh, now we are back in familiar villain territory . . .
But then Bonnie dropped the veil, releasing all supernatural beings from purgatory, thus making it possible for “true loves” Silas and Amara to be together again . . . assuming Amara is actually dead, and doesn’t pop up alive and ready to wreak havoc in the season finale . . .
So, now Silas REALLLLY wants to die . . . which means taking The Cure . . . which means killing Katherine and draining it from her body. Got it?
So, now we know what Silas wants with Katherine. And we know that Quetsiyah wants to somehow kill Silas, before he gets the cure, so he can end up back in purgatory with her . . .
We just aren’t sure what Nadia wants with Katherine . . . or why the Scooby Gang seems so intent to keep Katherine from Silas, even if that potentially means Silas staying alive longer than necessary and continuing to torture and mind hump Mystic Falls. I mean, are we sure Silas needs ALL of Katherine’s blood to get the cure? Maybe he just needs enough to fill an 8 oz. styrofoam cup?
To further complicate matters, apparently throughout history, in response to either Silas and Amara becoming immortal though Amara was arguably only immortal for about five minutes or them not being able to be together, “The Universe” has created throughout history about 85,000 people who look like Paul Wesley and Nina Dobrev just so they can fall in love and live happily ever after . . .
It sounds to me like “The Universe” needs to find a more productive use of its time . . . Maybe it could take up blogging . . .
Damon and Elena question Not-Sam Ronson about her new neck hickey. And Not Sam Ronson rudely poisons Damon with a shot of vervain. But hey, at least it’s free booze, right? That stuff’s hard to come by, these days . . .
Then, Nadia pops in and asks which one of the Nina Dobrevites in the bar is Katherine, so that she can shoot her. Katherine “gallantly” points to Elena, but Nadia the body-snatching, threesome-having, boyfriend-murdering sexpot wasn’t born yesterday. She knows a curly haired, saucy, villain-not-quite redeemed Nina Dobrev when she sees one . . .
Nadia chases Kat into the woods, and, in an odd turn of events, Elena, the same woman who was so intent on murdering Katherine last season that she nearly lost her humanity for good over it, rushes to her rescue . . .
Unfortunately, Elena has never been all that good at rescuing people, and ends up getting her neck snapped by Nadia in the process.
This is your brain on Quetsiyah . . .
Meanwhile, back at the cabin, Damon has finally found Stefan, who Quetsiyah has helpfully tied to a chair and covered with plant life. So much for hospitality! She explains to Damon that she wants to link Stefan’s mind to Silas’ and then fry both of their brains, so Silas can no longer mind control people anymore. Possible side effects? Stefan might be forced to spend the rest of his life as a brain dead moron . . .
Well, at least it’s for a worthy cause. Let’s do this!
I can already tell I like Quetsiyah more than I ever liked Bonnie, because I found the former’s Latin mumblings amidst fire and candles riveting, while whenever the latter does spells, I have this inexplicable desire to throw things at my TV screen . . .
Stefan is bleeding out of his eyeballs, and Damon looks mildly frightened . . .
Just kidding, I’m sure Big Salvatore was genuinely concerned for Little Salvatore’s well being . . .
Meanwhile, back in the woods, Silas has located Nadia and Katherine. He is about to mind control Good Ole Nads (that’s my new nickname for her, I just decided) to shoot herself in the heart with a gun. (I wrote a fanfiction like this once. Do you think Julie Plec stole my idea?)
. . . when suddenly he starts eyeball bleeding too. This gives Nads and Kat a chance to escape to a hotel, where hopefully they will have the lesbionic love affair fanfiction writers have been dreaming about for five seasons. I mean, come on! We already know Nads swings both ways . . . and Kat’s always struck me as being a bit “loose” sexually, if you catch my drift.
You know who’s totally not getting laid though? Stefan! He’s all bloody faced and passed out in a chair. This gives Quetsiyah the opportunity to tell Damon why he should leave his little bro behind to be the wacky witch’s human voodoo doll / love slave . . .
“Fire hazard, shmire hazard, Steffy . . . I thought you liked candlelight dinners? (Hint: If you don’t, I’ll make your eyes bleed and chargrill your brain again.)”
According to Quetsiyah, “the Universe” will make sure Stelena is endgame, despite the personal feelings of this particular TV Recapper . . .
Damon considers this for a moment, before ultimately deciding to do the “honorable” thing by strangling Quetsiyah, and taking his brain-fried brother home to recover on the couch . . .
Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elena and Damon watch over a still snoozing Stefan, while they jointly agree that they don’t need no stinking Universe’s blessing to bone each other on a regular basis . . .
It’s a refreshing show of maturity for Damon’s character – who in the past has shown a tendency toward massively self destructive behavior – that he is refusing to let his own insecurities, or the words of witchy naysayers, get in the way of his relationship with the woman he loves more than life itself. Of all the characters in this show, I would argue that it’s the 175+ year old vampire whose grown the most since the series began . . .
We interrupt this heartfelt Delena moment, to bring you the last five minutes of every episode of a daytime soap opera I have ever watched . . .
That’s right, boys and girls. Stefan has amnesia! SURPRISE!
And yet, with generous amounts of guyliner, and a couple clever pop culture references (Son of Giusseppe, anyone?), Damon Salvatore manages to make what could have been a tired scene seem somehow fresh . . . not to mention way funnier than a double homicide has any right to be. Because, he’s just cool like that.
Also, kudos to the music department for getting the rights to Talking Heads “Psycho Killer.” When it comes to matching a song to a scene, it really doesn’t get much more perfect than this . . .
Of course, my favorite TVD Musical Moment will ALWAYS remain Damon’s dance with Vicki in Season 1 to Depeche Mode’s “Enjoy the Silence.”
But this one came a close second. What’s YOUR favorite TVD Musical Moment?
When Stefan finds out Silas has been skulking around Mystic Falls, and draining the hospital blood supply, he immediately calls his ex-boyfriend Klaus for help.
This, of course, totally pisses off Stefan’s New Girl Friday, Caroline.
Did I say pisses her off, I mean secretly thrills her in a Sexual Way . . .
And when it comes to Bad Boys, Klaus pretty much takes the cake, in Caroline’s life. After all, this IS the guy who killed her boyfriend’s mother and her best friend’s Useless Aunt, banished her boyfriend to the Great Beyond, and was responsible for almost poisoning Caroline, herself, to death with werewolf venom . . . twice.
But he draws her ponies, and triangles on a map. And he buys her expensive things. (DREAMY!)
Did I mention he has an accent?
That’s right, Klaroline fans. Though, when it comes to snagging Caroline, up to this point, Klaus has had about as much game, as Charlie Brown on a football field . . .
. . . he definitely made some headway into her heart, this week . . .
from the group geometry lesson . . . to the Walk in the Woods . . .
Something is definitely brewing here, Sports Fans. And then Klaus did the one thing that is sure to send Caroline zooming right into his Dr. Evil Underoos . . .
He REJECTED HER!
“As IF!”
But I’m getting ahead of myself, here. For now, all you need to know is that our Blonde Vampire Trio has located Silas Bushyhead, by finding on a map, the two places where he is most likely to perform his next massacre . . .
The plot . . . it’s thickening . . .
A New York Sh*tty Flashback
This one time . . . at Band Camp . . . I turned off my humanity, and started eating everyone in New York . . .
So begins, Damon’s Bedtime Story to Elena.
And of course, every Bedtime Story has to have a Fairy Godmother . . .
Good ole, Lexie! Talk about a Girl with Bad Boy Complex. This reoccurring vampiress never met a Humanity Free Salvatore she didn’t want to fix.
But while “therapy” for Stefan involved tying him to a chair for months on end, and draining him dry, her methods of curing Damon were a bit more . . . unorthodox.
Honestly, who could blame Damon for not wanting to restart that pesky humanity switch? From the sexy neck shares, to the long nights spent drinking and dancing, this flashback read more like The Perks of Being a Vampire II: Electric Boogaloo than any sort of cautionary tale against bad vamp behavior!
And when Damon started fixing those Puppy Dog Eye Things in Lexie’s direction, and stroking her ego (among other lady parts), by claiming his love for her CURED HIM OF EVIL, I knew instantly he was full of crap. (Even the most casual TVD fan knows that Damon Salvatore was a one-woman vamp for about 145 years, and that woman was sure as hell NOT LEXIE.)
But still, like the Most Gullible Vampire Ever, I found myself eagerly awaiting the start of some good, old fashioned humanity free Damon Sex . . .
Seriously, since when did the CW become PBS! They skipped over the night, and went straight to MORNING?! COME ON! Even ABC Family gives us Naked Foreplay!
Anywhoo, I guess it isn’t supposed to matter, because the whole Seduction Thing was all just a scheme on Damon’s part to get Lexie locked up on the roof, without her sunscreen ring, so he could ditch her self-righteous ass.
But still . . . a little skin would have been nice . . . just sayin’
Feeding Family Style
Back in the present day, Damon’s gabbing on the phone with Stefan, who’s back in Mystic Falls, while Elena is busy getting the FASTEST Hair Color / Cut EVER. (Maybe the hairdresser is a vampire too?)
STEFAN: “Previously, on The Vampire Diaries . . .”
DAMON: “Seriously, isn’t this supposed to be Elena’s job? I don’t want to have to listen to this. What, just because she has her humanity turned off, she gets a free pass on in-script recapping? I’m contacting SAG!”
I like Elena’s new look . . . I do. And in general, I enjoyed Nina Dobrev’s new take on humanity-free Elena this week. She just seemed less robotic, and more mischievous . . . She seemed like she was actually having a good time being bad, for a change.
My one gripe? This Elena seems a lot less like Humanity Free Elena, and more like . . . Regular Katherine, even down to the bigger hair, and more stylish clothes. I have a feeling that this is going to make next week, when the two start sharing the screen again VERY CONFUSING.
But I digress, it turns out that Damon has some ulterior motives for his little Humanity Vacation Road Trip. You guys remember Will from last week?
Well, apparently, he was well known in New York City vampire circles as a Fake ID maker . . . or rather, a Real ID taker, who gave dead people’s ID’s to vampires on the run . . . And I bet you will never guess who Will’s favorite client was . . .
So, Damon’s Master Plan is to hunt down Katherine, swipe The Cure from her fingertips, and shove it down Elena’s throat, along with her morning Blood Breakfast. Sounds easy, right?
The only problem is that Elena’s on to his little scheme, and has some plans of her own for The Cure . . . plans that involve it being given to her Brand New Bestie, instead . . . Rebekah.
Woah! Who ever thought that these two sworn enemies would end up partying together, and drinking from the same neck . . . literally?
Apparently, Damon’s little pep talk to Rebekah, last week, about humans being boring, failed to convince the Original She-Vamp that her future shouldn’t be paved with mortality, and a bevy of Klaus Barbie Babies . . .
Now, I know this makes me a total traitor, but I kind of like the idea of a Human Rebekah. She wants it more than anyone else. Why shouldn’t she get it?
And while I’m still quite positive that this storyline is going to end with the cure inadvertently being shoved down Damon’s throat, I have to admit that I’m with Team Elenbekah on this one . . .
Now, that we know the Teams, we can start keeping score!
Damon, thanks to Stefan’s uncanny ability to remember all his ex-girlfriend’s birthdays, finds a paper in Will’s apartment, listing all of Katherine’s known addresses. (Score 1 for Damon).
Then, Elena seductively brings him on the roof, for what Damon thinks will be some Lexie-inspired nookie, but is actually a game of Back-Pocket snatch and grab (Score 1 for Elena, Score -25 for Delena fans hoping for a little rooftop action from their favorite lovebirds).
But Damon catches on to Elena’s scheme, and pries the paper back from her greedy little hands. (Score 2 for Damon, 1 for Elena).
Then, Rebekah pops up, seemingly out of nowhere, and breaks Damon’s neck!! (Score 69 for Rebekah, Score 2 for Elena, and Score -25 for the temporarily dead Damon).
In the final round, Rebekah, and Elena head off in Damon’s car, with his precious address list, while Damon naps off his death on the rooftop of that seedy New York bar.
(Score 169 for Rebekah and Elena, Score -125 for Snoozing Damon, and Score 1,025 for Lexie, who, somewhere up in Vampire Purgatory, just got the best Poetic Justice of her unnaturally long life . . .)
Talk about Vampire Girl Power!
Binge and Purge – Wiccan Style
“Hey, I just met you. And now you’re crazy . . .”
“So I’ll call all my witch friends . . .”
“And kill you, maybe?”
Meanwhile, back in Mystic Falls, Silas Bushyhead is still Svengali-ing Bonnie into murdering 12 people, who P.S., just so happen to have to be witches.
So dad does what any rational father would do in this situation . . . sends his daughter off in the woods to meet with his vampire ex-wife’s crazy witch friend, and her 11 teen minions?
Is Ridiculously Bad Parenting contagious? Because it definitely seems like an epidemic in Mystic Falls.
As much as I abhor me some Bonnie, even I have to admit the Witch Exorcism scene was pretty nifty, with Bonnie adding white eyeballs to her usual repertoire of Bleeding from the Nose and Whining . . .
Then, Stefan . . . bless his heart, pops on the scene, and says, “WAIT! Stop the exorcism, Bonnie’s working for SILAS!”
To which, The Witch, replies . . . “Eh, no biggie! We’ll just kill Bonnie. We were half way there, anyway . . .”
(Sounds like a plan to me!)
Of course, Stefan’s lame attempt at rescue ended up playing right into Bushyhead’s plans. Because, minutes later, Caroline KILLS the head witch . . .
. . . and all the others immediately fall dead, domino-style (which was also pretty unintentionally hilarious to watch).
And so, the Apocalypse has finally come to Mystic Falls . . .maybe.
Klaus, who earlier in the day gave Caroline a geometry lesson about equilateral Expression Triangles, now gives her another one, about how killing TWELVE witches, and OPENING THE GATES OF HELL, to save one REALLY annoying one, isn’t exactly a fair trade in the scheme of Good versus Evil.
Caroline is SAD. Caroline is VULNERABLE. Caroline wants comfort. In other words, Klaus is SO IN . . .
. . . which is probably why he rejects her ass . . .
When we last left Damon Salvatore, he was dead . . .
No, seriously. I don’t mean like “undead.” I mean, that vampire hunter guy snapped his neck, and he wasn’t breathing. (See what I mean about deaths being unusually passe and temporary, on this show?)
Anywhoo, Damon’s alive again now . . .
Except, he’s got a noose around his neck, and is being humiliatingly dragged around Lost Island by the guy who “killed” him . . .
These two are flirting with one another, something fierce. The Vampire Hunter (who’s name is “Vaughn” by the way), compares Damon to a mosquito, an adorable pet name, if I’ve ever heard one.
He also tells Damon that he’s been watching him, and all his friends closely (Though, apparently, not closely enough to know that Damon doesn’t give two craps about Bonnie.); and that he plans to use him to wake and kill the Infamous Silas.
In return, Damon remarks on Vaughn’s nifty new tattoo (which apparently sprouted new wings around the same time THIS happened) . . .
Then, the eternal stud boasts of his own, supple, ink-free, skin.
Oh, just get a room already, you two . . . or at least a nice hole in the ground!
We interrupt this Very Sexy Infomercial for another “Previously on The Vampire Diaries” phone conversation . . . Take it away, Elena . . .
“Like previously . . . on The Vampire Diaries . . . we all went to this crazy island, where dudes wearing dreadlocks and white face paint occasionally try to stake us and shoot us with arrows. But you and Tyler didn’t get to come, because you were both busy getting hit on / almost murdered by Klaus. And then, like, Damon and I TOTALLY got into this big fight, because I want to take The Cure. And he like . . . doesn’t? And then he disappeared, and I thought it was because he was mad at me. But I think he’s like actually in a lot of danger? So, um, anyway, even though last week we said we had no cell phone reception here, and now it seems like we lied . . . would you mind going to Klaus’ house, picking up his sword map, and sending us pictures of it? Because we totally came to this remote and dangerous island without any plan, whatsoever?”
“What? Elena? I can’t hear you. This is a really bad connection. *makes fake static noises into the phone* Ohhh, I think I’m losing you. Gotta go. Have fun failing to get The Cure. Byeeeeeee!”
“I can’t believe that b*tch hung up on me, on MY SHOW!”
Then, Caroline goes to Klaus’ house, so she can fondle his big ancient sword, which isn’t nearly as fun as it sounds . . .
“Thanks so much for your help! Here, have a rock!”
Poor Not-Johnny Depp . . .
He went through all this trouble to capture Bonnie and JerBear, and all he got for his troubles was a DAMN ROCK!
Shane said the rock . . . like . . . had some sh*t like that. Bull honky! It looked like a plain old rock to me! And it certainly didn’t help keep Not Johnny Depp from ending up like this . . .
Sorry Not Johnny Depp guy! Unlike the rest of the characters on this show, I’m thinking you are probably going to STAY dead. But hey, look on the bright side, at least you don’t have to shell out extra cash for a fancy gravestone! You already have a rock!
Aramaic for Dummies
Back in Mystic Falls, Tyler, Caroline and Klaus are having a great time surfing for porn on the internet . . .
“Hey, look! It’s Andre’s screencaps!”
. . . and taking turns rubbing Klaus’ big ancient sword . . .
Tyler: “I think my sword is bigger.”
Caroline: “Trust me, it isn’t.”
“Hey Caroline, don’t YOU want to hold my sword for a little while?”
Tyler: “I’m not going to lie, this is making me feel a bit uncomfortable.”
Actually, Tyler and Caroline are using Klaus’ surprise knowledge of Aramaic to translate the sword. They immediately call Rebekah on the phone to share the intel with her, figuring she’s on Team Scooby, anyway, so why not. But then Klaus drops a not particularly surprising, because we all pretty much knew this from the beginning bombshell on them, which makes them wish they used cell phone minutes a bit more wisely. As it turns out, there’s only enough vampire cure for ONE PERSON!
Oh no! If Vampire Klaus Barbie gets to the cure first, the Scooby Gang won’t be able to use it to . . . SAVE ELENA! Oh the humanity!
“I don’t know why I’m crying. I’m not even on this show.”
So, I guess now, in the words of the Three Musketeers, it’s all for one, and one for . . . ONE?
Meanwhile, back on Lost Island . . .
Stefan and Elena – Friends Forever . . . Literally
Stefan and Elena share a nice platonic moment, during which Stefan admits that he still wants to grow old and eventually croak, even if that means never being able to insert his 160 + year old weiner (which might very well become instantly wrinkly, once he gets the cure) into Elena ever again. Watching from afar, Rebekah doesn’t find this moment all that platonic . . .
Poor Beks . . . she’s always a bridesmaid. (But hey, at least she’s the bridesmaid that ends up getting laid in the coat closet at the wedding reception!)
With her new knowledge about The Cure in tow, Rebekah cleverly separates Elena from Stefan, so that she can reveal to the latter her deep dark secret about The Cure’s limitations. She then asks Stefan if he’s going to end up giving the darn thing to Elena, anyway. He can’t deny it, so she breaks his neck. Ahhhh, young love . . . or, perhaps, I should say really, really, really old love!
And just like that, another temporary death has rocked Mystic Falls.
Later, Elena comes to Stefan’s temporary death rescue, at which time he breaks for her the bad news about The Cure. Elena’s response to this news is arguably more surprising than anything else that happens during the episode . . .
WOAH! Look who’s gone and become all self-aware on us!
All sarcasm aside, I was kind of proud of Elena, in this moment. In past seasons, Elena has always been treated by the rest of the cast (except, maybe Rebekah) as a Delicate Flower, because she was a young fragile human, in a world of Old Dangerous Vampires, Werewolves, Witches and Whatevers.
“And what am I, chopped liver?”
But now, Elena is a vampire, who has committed murder.
She has no greater claim on her humanity / right to The Cure than any other life-loving vampire on this show. And the fact that she understands that, and is willing to own up to it, makes me a lot more sympathetic to her character, than I have been in recent episodes . . .
In fact, Elena gets over the fact that she’s probably going to be a vampire for the rest of eternity, a lot quicker than one might suspect. Instantly, she’s rushing toward the cave, dragging Stefan in tow, so that the pair can obtain the cure, and use it ON KLAUS!
Also in the cave, Damon refuses to continue to be dragged around as Vaughn’s vampire puppy dog.
“I’ll let you off your leash, once you lift your leg and pee on the tree!”
Like the rest of the crew, thanks to Vaughn, he has also been blessed (or cursed, depending on the way you see things) with the knowledge that there is only one cure. And while Vaughn’s idea to use the cure on SILAS, thereby preventing an impending apocalypse, even if it means all vampires shall STAY vampires for eternity, definitely seems like the better deal for Damon . . .
. . . he’s still willing to risk all that, if it means making the woman he loves happy. (Little does Damon know, Elena is TOTALLY willing to forgo the cure, if it means continuing to bone him for the rest of time, without Klaus constantly on their tail.) So, Damon makes a move to beat the crap out of Vaughn, along with some help from a surprising source . . .
So what if they both end up totally getting their asses handed to them, by a mere HUMAN guest star, and end up passed out next to one another on the floor . . .
Later, when Stefan and Elena come to Damon’s rescue, he agrees to bow out gracefully, and let Stefan keep the proverbial Hero Hat that fits his slightly large head so well. Damon doesn’t really want Elena to have the cure, because he fears it will be the end of their relationship. But he’s not going to inadvertently stand in the way of her obtaining it either . . .
Further up in the cave, Elena encounters a familiar face . . . one that has no trouble whatsoever kicking her BUTT!
“This is sooooo not my episode! I’m calling my agent.”
Golly gee! I wonder who it could be?
It’s the CIRCLE OF LIFE and tattoo removal
Over in Nosebleed Bonnie land, Shane finds a Perfect Circle, and positively no one’s everyone’s favorite witch uses the shape as an excuse to fondle Jer Bear’s naked body, once again. (Honestly, can you blame her?)
JerBear: “But Bonnie, I thought you loved me for my mind?”
Bonnie: “Shut up and take off your pants, I have Very Important Witchy Work to do!”
JerBear: “But the tattoo is only on my chest.”
Bonnie: *whistles awkwardly*
Bonnie: “Wow, I can feel your tattoo moving and growing. The magic must be working.”
Jer Bear: *whistles awkwardly*
Bonnie must have really strong hands! All it takes is a few fondles, and Jer Bear’s tattoo’s disappear, like he’s just had the Best Laser Treatment EVER!
“Thanks for the free tattoo removal. You know, I also have this freckle on my left butt cheek that I never much cared for. Do you think you could take that off too?”
Elsewhere, Vaughn’s tattoos disappear as well. Unfortunately, no one had the foresight to take off HIS shirt, or this could have REALLY been a party!
“This is total crap. I’m calling my agent too!”
Knowing what a total unapologetic perv I am, I suspect a lot of you assumed that my favorite part of this episode was that the mere fact of Bonnie touching JerBear’s Man Parts caused an honest-to-goodness avalanche in the Silas Cave . . .
But that’s not true at all! My actual favorite part of the episode came a little later, when that same avalanche ended up paralyzing Professor Dumpy Dork, and the rest of the Scooby Gang left him to ROT!
Now THAT was awesome! Honestly, they should have done that about five episodes ago!
But then, JerBear has to go and ruin all that awesomeness, by putting his shirt back on. LAME!
“I’m sorry! My nipples got cold, OK?”
Welcome back, Zombie Granny!
Bonnie knows she’s getting closer to Silas’ coffin when her Ghost Granny, who is suddenly sporting a SERIOUS case of the Crazy Eyes, pops up out of no where, and tells her that she should feed her blood to the rotted dead corpse . . .
“Hi sweetie! Go kill yourself, OK? Grandma knows best!”
Fortunately, JerBear, who’s seen more dead people in his lifetime than that kid from The Sixth Sense . . .
. . . knows that Zombie Grams is nothing more than a figment of Bonnie’s Silas-controlled imagination. He knows some sense into Bon-Bon, just in time for her to get stabbed in the back by that pesky Vampire Hunter Vaughn.
The Long(ish) Goodbye
With Bonnie out of commission, Klaus has earned his Get Out of Box Free Card, and can no return to the important work of Terrorizing the Cast of The Vampire Diaries Until His Spinoff Begins . . .
Not wanting Klaus to kill her boyfriend again, or chase him out of town for the 85,000th time, Caroline appeals to the Original Vampire’s “softer side,” by admitting to him that, like him, she too prefers her fangy, eternally youthful self, to the shallow, self-absorbed human brat she was back in Season 1 . . .
. . . at least not anymore . . .
In return for this heartfelt admission, Klaus agrees to let Tyler take another multi-episode hiatus, before he goes and tries to kill him again.
Caroline: “Does this mean that Tyler gets a spinoff too? It could be called Hungry Like a Hybrid?”
Klaus: “Don’t push your luck.”
Outside on the porch, Caroline and Tyler share a tearful, sweet, and possibly, but probably not, permanent, goodbye. . .
Tyler: “See you next season?”
Caroline: “Absolutely . . . well . . . unless the writers have given me another love interest by then, in which case, nice knowing ya . . .”
The on again, off-again couple genuinely promise to attempt to live full and happy lives without one another. And I swear I’m not crying, it’s just raining on my face . . . or I’m chopping onions . . . or something . . .
The Selfless Salvatore
Speaking of touching, Rebekah and Damon share a surprisingly genuine moment, during which Rebekah expresses her admiration for Damon’s selflessness, with regard to Elena and the cure.
I really do like Rebekah, and think it’s about time she gets herself a hookup that isn’t Elena’s sloppy seconds. Anyone else agree?
Surprise!
Further down in the cave, we FINALLY get our first glimpse of the ever elusive SILAS . . .
And I hate to say this, but he kind of looks like Mikael . . . you know . . . that OTHER big scary vampire type, who started off entombed, until he fed on one of the cast members, and then awoke, only to die about two episodes later . . .
Deja-vu?
If you recall, it was actually the unlucky Kat, who received the honors of being Mikael’s first meal, which is fitting, when you think about it, because . . . well . . . I’ll get to that in a bit.
So, Vampire Hunter Vaughn is fighting with Vampire Hunter Jer Bear, when “Elena” makes a surprise appearance, and rescues her brother from certain death . . .
JerBear’s first hint that “Elena” isn’t quite herself, is when he has to REMIND her not to KILL Vaughn, and risk being saddled with that pesky Vampire Hunter Murderer curse again. His second hint, is when she refuses to help paralyzed Bonnie, which I think is just good sense. That witch is a pain in thee ass!
But alas, JerBear figures out a bit too late that the vampiric female, who came to his rescue is not his sister at all, but . . . wait for it . . . KATHERINE PIERCE . . .
Annnd . . . then she feeds JerBear to Silas, who breaks his neck, and leaves him lying dead on the floor. (So much for avoiding that Hunter Killer Curse, Katherine!)
So, is Mystic Falls’ Shirtless Wonder REALLY dead? Or just FAKE DEAD . . . like all those other times?
It’s hard to tell at this point. And this makes it difficult for me, as a viewer, to have a genuine emotional response to a loss which, if it actually sticks, will be a pretty major blow to the Mystic Falls Community, on multiple levels . . .
(I’ll miss those ARMS, that’s for sure!)
The promos certainly want us to believe that JerBear is gone for good.
But IS he?
Only time . . . and next week’s episode will tell . . . See ya then, Fangbangers!
(And some characters endured multiple ass-kickings . . .)
So, load up on buckshot, tighten those chains, and, for heaven sake, keep your coffins hidden, because it’s time for another TVD-cap . . .
(As always special thanks to the awesomeness that is my good pal Andre, and his mad screencapping abilities . . .)
I Dream of Meanie . . .
Bonnie’s reaction, when she learned that her future love interest on the show is sort of / kind of her brother . . .
Ever notice how the only time most of the characters on TVD “sleep” is when they are passed out unconscious, or dying? Not Bonnie, though. She’s a regular Rip Van Witchy. For the second week in a row, the episode begins with one of Bonnie’s “spirit dreams.” Once again, our resident Nose Bleeder is all dressed up, with no where to go, but to a Dead Person Party . . .
“Well, this is morbid! Why can’t I just have Dirty Damon Sex Dreams, like everybody else?”
Dream Bonnie finds herself near the graveside plots reserved for various members of her family. In the midst of all this is a Mahogany Coffin, which, I suspect is supposed to represent Klaus’ Mysterious Fourth Coffin, only this one looks way more expensive than that one. So, Bonnie does what any rational human being would do, when she sees a fancy coffin in her dreams. She fondles it . . .
The fact that Klaus is in this dream makes a lot of sense, if you think about it. After all, nobody loves Dead Family Members and Fancy Coffins, more than Klaus!
So, Klaus, being the gentleman that he is, makes some small talk with the Bonster, before . . . you know . . . eating her . . .
Bonnie wakes up moments later INSIDE THE COFFIN. Oddly enough, her neck is still attached to her head, despite Klaus having clearly lobbed it off, while making her his meal . . . or, as I like to call it . . . foreplay. One thing I have to say for Bonnie: She has smarter dreams than I do. Here’s how I know. Dream Bonnie remembered to bring her cell phone to the Dead Person Party. I can’t tell you how many dreams I’ve had, where the whole time, all I seemed to do was search for my cell phone, and wonder why I didn’t have it with me. Super annoying!
Speaking of annoying, rather than actually using her cell phone to CALL SOMEONE, Bonnie decides to bang hysterically on the roof of the coffin, screaming, “I’M IN HERE.” You know, just in case someone happens to drop by the cemetery for some R&R, at that very moment. Someone like . . . her . . .
“Oh, hi there. I was wondering if I could borrow your cell phone, since I left mine at home. Thanks!”
*slams coffin shut again, and walks away*
The minute Bonnie wakes up, she rushes to tell her Bestie Elena all about her dream, and that whole Hidden Coffin Thing. This was actually pretty nice of Bonnie. Because, typically, it takes the Scooby Gang about four episodes, to let Elena in on anything. And, when she finds out, she usually ends up yelling at Damon . . . So, really, when you think about it, Bonnie did Damon a solid, here . . .
“And then Klaus was like, ‘Can you open it?’ And I was like ‘Duh! No!’ And he was like ‘RRRRR-munch, munch.’ And I was like ‘Ahhhhhhh!’ And then, later, I was like, ‘Hi Mom!’
“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”
Somehow, from this ridiculous dream, Bonnie determines that her absentee mom, who she hasn’t seen in about 15 or so years, is the key to opening the fourth coffin. To prove it, she decides to show Elena and a very pissed off Stefan a baby picture of herself, with some seriously poofy hair, and an oddly-placed bald spot . . .
Don’t you think it would have been nice, if they found a baby for this picture who actually looked remotely like Katerina Graham?
Later that day, Bonnie and Elena are combing through photographs of people named “Abby Bennett,” in hopes of finding one that looks like she might be related to Bonnie. During the search, we are treated to a couple examples of real people who are “not Bonnie’s mom.” And I must say, I felt particularly bad for THIS PERSON, who Bonnie classified as being “too old” . . .
First of all, girlfriend looks about 22. Second of all, that’s REALLY HARSH! Can you imagine this model being super excited about landing a “role” on The Vampire Diaries, and telling all her friends to watch, only to find out that she’s “too old?”
Fortunately, Damon magically appears to put a stop to this madness . . .
With a little compulsion, and a lot of luck, Damon is quickly able to locate the home address of the “real Abby Bennett.” And, understandably, he feels his super-sleuthing has earned him the right to enjoy a little road tripping time with new kissing buddy, Elena. When denied the option of riding shotgun, Damon the chivalrous, graciously offers to ride in the back seat with Elena. This, of course, got me to thinking about a Delena fanfiction I wrote once, where Damon and Elena had hot amorous sex in the backseat of a car, while Tyler and Caroline sat in front, uncomfortably pretending not to notice all the moaning sounds emanating from behind them . . .
“Hey Tyler, what do you say we roll down the back windows on this baby, and head for the local car wash?”
But I digress . . . a super pouty Elena tells Damon he can’t come on the road trip, because she thinks he will be mean to Bonnie, during her Epic Mother Child Reunion. In Elena’s defense, she’s probably right. Then again, how can you really say no to a face like this?
This adorable Delena exchange (which, unfortunately, was the only one we got for the ENTIRE hour) reminded me of another instance, in which Elena lectured Damon, and Damon responded by . . . well . . . doing THIS . . .
Not at all surprisingly, you could cut the Delena sexual tension in the room with a butter knife. And it doesn’t go unnoticed by Bonnie, who immediately asks, “What’s going on between you too?”
Of course, you can count on Damon to spill the beans on the soon-to-be-couple’s epic necking session.
By doing this, Damon ensures that, even though he can’t go on the road trip with Bonnie and Elena, he is at least guaranteed to be a major topic of discussion thereon. Well played, Pimp Salvatore . . .
Redemption, thy name is Shirtless Tyler Lockwood! Those of us Forwood fans who became concerned last week, that the siring of Tyler would lead to a complete, and utter, assassination of his character (both metaphorically, and, possibly even literally) breathed a sigh of relief this week, when Hybrid #2 manned up in a really big way. After accidentally giving his girlfriend the Love Bite to End All Love Bites, Tyler doesn’t hide in his room all day, binging on carbs, and watching YouTube videos. (Though, that’s probably what I would do, if I were him.) Instead, he shows up on Caroline’s doorstep, first thing in the morning with an apology, a special guest star, and, most importantly, a PLAN . . .
So, remember Caroline’s Big Gay Dad . . . a.k.a. the Asshat, who tried to De-Vamp Caroline, by locking her in a dungeon, and drying her out, in a sick version of Daddy / Daughter Time?
Someone’s not getting a Father’s Day gift . . .
Well, apparently, just like Tyler, he knows a thing or too about guilt, and being the subject of Vampire Barbie’s disappointment and wrath. He also knows how to fend off compulsion with his mind, a party trick that could come in super handy, if you are someone who is . . . oh, I don’t know . . . Gay for Klaus . . .
“Unfortunately, I couldn’t find the e-card that said, ‘Sorry, I almost gave you were rabies.’ So, I decided to do the next best thing.”
Caroline’s dad always seems to get just a bit too much glee out of torturing supernatural high schoolers. That said, his notion that Tyler can break his sire bond, by owning his painful werewolf transformations, thereby staving off the gratitude he feels toward Klaus for allowing him not to experience that pain, is an intriguing one. Of course, it assumes that the sire bond exists only in Tyler’s conscience, and has absolutely nothing to do with magic or compulsion . . . an assumption with which I’m inclined to disagree.
“Let’s make out.”
“Yes, Master.”
Nonetheless, I love the idea of Tyler trying to regain his own independence, by embracing his werewolf side, a side of himself which, to a large extent, was what first connected him to Caroline, in the first place . . .
Since we already know how LONNNNG and painful, werewolf transformation can be, especially for a relative “newbie werewolf” like Tyler, I for one was grateful to get the Cliff Notes version, this time . . .
I suspect Caroline was grateful, as well. Because, whatever has happened between these two of late, I think she still loves him. Given that, it must be unbelievably hard for her to see him in so much pain . . . especially, since she knows he’s enduring it, to a large extent, for her. There’s also that whole, “werewolf bite kills a vampire” thing.
So, when Tyler kindly growls for Caroline to “beat it,” so he can turn into a monster in peace, he doesn’t have to ask twice. She’s out faster than a tubby girl in dodgeball. Big Gay Dad on the otherhand, clearly has a death wish, and sticks around. Someone should have told this guy, that you don’t shake sticks at angry dogs. And you DEFINITELY don’t go after angry werewolves with an axe . . .
“Kiddies . . . do not try this at home.”
“Is this guy for real?’
Next thing you know, Tyler is giving a BIGGGGG love bite to another member of the Forbes family. And I’m thinking to myself, “Oh Tyler, honey, eating your girlfriend’s father is REALLY not the best way to salvage your relationship . . .”
I think Alaric’s finally found a girlfriend, who’s as big of an alcoholic as he is!
“Bottoms up, bottoms up . . . let me fill your cup. Got a couple bottles, but a couple ain’t enough . . .”
We find him, at the beginning of this episode, once again day drinking at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls with Crazy Nanny Carrie, who, of course, classifies herself as an “Angry Drunk,” before heading out for another day of “saving lives” (or taking them?). Damon arrives on the scene, looking more than a bit jealous that his bromantic buddy has been drinking with someone who isn’t him . . .
Damon also watches a lot of TV. So, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he caught Crazy Nanny Carrie drugging Mayor Dan, and trying to bury him alive on One Tree Hill . . .
Given all that, coupled with the recent untimely demise of a certain Medical Examiner Ex Boyfriend of the Crazy Nanny’s . . .
. . . you certainly can’t blame Damon for being a wee bit suspicious of the woman who’s planning to eat his boyfriend’s Chunky Monkey . . .
And so, one half of Team Badass heads straight to hospital to pay the good doctor a visit, armed with an admittedly rather lame excuse for his presence there . . .
A newborn’s response to being waved at by Damon Salvatore . . .
Having disposed of the pleasantries, Damon quickly launches into some not-so-thinly veiled accusations that Crazy Nanny Carrie murdered her preppy sweater vest wearing ex-beau. At first, Crazy Nanny takes these insults in stride. It’s nothing she hasn’t heard before. But then, she VERVAINS DAMON, and JACKS HIS BLOOD, WHILE HE SLEEPS, which is so NOT the way to treat your boyfriend’s best friend . . .
That said, it did give us the opportunity to watch Damon sleep, which was awesome. I’m not going to lie . . .
Sadly, Damon’s shirt was kept on, throughout the entire ordeal . . . But surely, you wouldn’t blame me for taking a little creative license with this moment. Would you?
A little while later, Damon visits Alaric (who is looking particularly sweaty and sexy in his grey tank top) for a friendly round of “I told you so.”
“You better buff up, if you want to date this one,” Damon warns. “Diagnosis: Psycho case.”
To be honest, I missed a lot of this scene. I was way to focused on the magically reappearing, disappearing sweat on Alaric’s shirt . . .
Now you see it . . .
Now you don’t . . .
See it . . .
Don’t . . .
“Dude, I think that immortality ring of yours is giving you a glandular issue . . .”
Eventually, Alaric confronts Crazy Nanny Carrie, and she reveals to him her Deep Dark Secret . . . she uses vampire blood to cure her patients. She also has a collection of decapitated heads in her bathtub. (We even see Crazy Nanny using Damon’s blood to save Big Gay Dad, so that he might live to torture Poor Tyler another day. Hooray!)
“Turn into a werewolf without pain? Easy for him to say . . . At least, he gets to drift into convenient unconsciousness, when I break HIS bones.”
Alaric might be a history teacher. But he clearly hasn’t learned the number one lesson of all history courses: history has a way of repeating itself. A few years back, Alaric dated a psycho named Isobel, to whom he told all his Deepest Darkest Secrets. She ended up dumping his ass, and then returning to town, only to use those secrets to get him POSSESSED BY AN EVIL VAMPIRE. And yet, Mr. Disappearing / Reappearing Sweat Stain saw absolutely nothing wrong with revealing to Crazy Nanny Carrie, a woman he barely knows, the fact that (1) he’s a vampire hunter with a MAD weapons stash, and (2) he owns an immortality ring . . .
Crazy Nanny Carrie wastes no time trying to pry the damn thing off his finger, while they make out (probably so that she can morph into Medusa and turn him into stone, or something). Fortunately, Elena barges in, and, in doing so, probably saves Alaric’s life. But even that’s a lesson Alaric hasn’t seemed to have learned yet. Hey Alchy-ric! News flash: When you live with teenagers, and you want to hook up with your girlfriend, CLOSE THE DAMN DOOR, FIRST!
“Whoopsies!”
“Geez, Alaric! At least put a sock on the doorknob, or something!”
“Baby, I’m Howling for You . . .”
I absolutely love that Klaus is a fan of The Black Keys. I also happen to think that “Howling for You” is a perfect theme song for the character. I would have liked it even more if he started to dance to it . . .
At some point, in the middle of the song, Stefan pops by for a little Ripper Reunion . . .
They talk business. They talk coffins. Neither one is willing to budge an inch on his position. Then Klaus makes an offhand comment about how he doesn’t think the whole “Crazy Stefan” thing, is really working for him. “How’s that working out for you? Do you have any friends left?” He asks, slyly.
Ouch, Klaus! Of course, this searing analysis would probably mean a lot more coming from a guy who didn’t kill both his parents, and stake all his siblings . . .
That said, no one can say now that Klaus doesn’t have a lot of friends. He’s made a ton of them recently . . . I mean, literally “made them.” In fact, he calls one of these so-called friends, shortly after Stefan leaves. He then instructs the hybrid to pay a little visit to a certain Bennett household where, Elena and Bonnie may or may not be headed, as they speak . . .
“Dammit, Klaus. Why did you have to call me? Every hybrid on this show that gets a speaking part, always ends up without a head or a heart . . .”
In which Bonnie joins Team Damon, and my respect for her increases ten-fold . . .
You know, Bonnie and I have never been particularly close. And I think part of the reason for that was that she always seemed particularly anti-Delena. And, as you might have guessed, I’m a bit of a fanatic about that Ship . . .
Then came this week’s road trip, in which Bonnie craftily got Elena to admit that Damon was a good kisser, and, in that beautiful moment, all the things that made me HATE Bonnie’s character, in the past (the fire starting, the ugly nose-bleeding, the judginess, and the migraine-making) was forgiven . . . at least, until she starts pulling that sh*t again . . .
This Damon-centric conversation is cock blocked by a phone call from Stefan, who Elena tells Bonnie to ignore, before eventually taking the phone herself (which is the responsible thing to do, considering Bonnie is DRIVING, and shouldn’t be on her cell phone, in the first place, Stefan). Elena ends up lying to Stefan, telling him that the two are going to the lakehouse, instead of to Bonnie’s mom’s house. Stefan, of course, sees right through the lie, and vows to do something about it . . . a decison that, under the circumstances, he might end up regretting . . .
Family Reunion gone Baaaaaaaaaad.
“Bonnie! I’d like you to meet your mom, and your new boyfriend / brother. They will both be trying to kill you today . . .”
Since we saw Soon-to-Be-Heartless-Hybrid pay a visit to the Bennett house, just moments earlier, us viewers are all pretty sure this mother/child reunion is going to end badly. We just aren’t sure how.
When Bonnie and Elena first arrive at the house, they meet THIS GUY . . .
. . . who seems to have no qualms about inviting the two strange females into the house (one of whom claims to be the owner of the house’s daughter), and offering them food and drink, as if he owns the place. When Bonnie asks “Jamie” (that’s his name, by the way) if the two of them are related, and he says “no,” my first thought is that Abby Bennett is a cougar, and this is her boyfriend. Part of me is actually disappointed that this didn’t end up being the case . . .
“So, basically, my bio mom was a sociopathic vampire, and yours is a total slut. Awesome!”
“Jamie” explains that his dad dated Bonnie’s mom, but ended up being a total douchebag deadbeat. So, Mama Bennett ended up raising him as the child she never had. Of course, she did have a child . . . Bonnie. So, we certainly can’t blame our little witch for being a bit resentful, under the circumstances.
“Don’t make me light a fire up your ass, JAAAAIMMMEE.”
Another thing, I couldn’t help but notice is that, though they are not technically related, in some ways, Jamie IS kind of like Bonnie’s brother. And, to me, this makes things kind of icky, especially if the writers are planning on pairing the two together romantically, as rumors seem to suggest that they are . . . But hey, it worked in Clueless, right?
Shortly thereafter, Bonnie’s bio mom returns to the house. Elena quickly leaves, so that the two can “iron out their issues” in piece . . .
“So, mom . . . you used to be a witch, right. How did you cope with all the nose bleeds? Sometimes, I bleed so much, I feel like my nostrils are going to fall off my face . . .”
I have to say, I was neither impressed, nor did I entirely buy, Abby Bennett’s story as to why she ditched Bon-Bon as a kid. So, let me get this straight, she “lost her powers” fifteen years ago, while luring Original Mikael into a coffin, and then decided to leave town without her kid or husband, so she didn’t have to be a witch anymore?
Well, without her powers wasn’t she “not a witch anymore,” anyway? And, if she was planning to leave town, why didn’t she think to take her three-year old, and the rest of her family with her? Wouldn’t that have made more sense?
Also, this “kind-hearted” woman . . . who was willing to literally give up everything to save her best friend’s kid (Mikael was supposedly in town looking for Elena) . . . and went on to raise someone else’s kid as her own . . . never even thought to check on whether her OWN MOTHER, who she put in charge of raising HER KID, was alive or dead?
I don’t know. Something about this story stinks . . . and it isn’t just the nosebleeds that are making it so . . .
Outside in the barn, or whereever it is that Elena ends up, she runs into Stefan, who’s none too happy with her for lying to him about her plans.
Yeah, apparently, hybrid compulsion beats Stefan compulsion. Who knew? When Jamie comes to intervene on Stefan’s and Elena’s arguing, Stefan horrifies Elena, by strangling the poor kid, and compelling him to leave. But it’s Jamie who has the last laugh, when he turns right back around, and pumps Stefan’s stomach full of buckshot. He also ties Elena to a post, with some rope.
(Chivalry is SO dead!)
Things aren’t going much better, inside. When Bonnie hears the gunshot, Mama Abby muffles Bonnie’s face, until she falls unconscious, and drags her ass into a car. Man, the parents on this show suck ass . . .
“Rockabye Bonnie, in the farmhouse. When the wind blows, I’ll DRUG YOU, UNTIL YOU PASS OUT . . .”
Stefan gets a woody (multiple woodies, actually)
I guess all that time Elena has spent working out is finally starting to pay off . . .
Elena somehow manages to break free of the ropes confining her to the wooden post. As Stefan writhes on the floor in pain, more or less, useless. Elena gets Jamie to admit that he’s been compelled to (1) hurt Stefan; (2) keep Elena safe; and (3) KILL HIMSELF IF BONNIE DOESN’T REVEAL TO KLAUS’ HYBRID THE LOCATION OF THE COFFINS. Then, feigning rope burn, Elena gets Jamie to come close enough to her that she can knock him unconscious, with a spare piece of wood.
Once that’s over and done with she kneels down to tend to Stefan, who suggest that Elena hand pick all the buckshot out of his body. (FUN!) Part of me was actually surprised that Stefan didn’t ask her to do it with her mouth, like THIS GUY did . . .
(If it had been Damon on the floor, he totally would have done this . . .)
It makes sense that Elena’s acts of bravery and kindness would prompt Nice Stefan to make a rare cameo appearance. First, he compliments Elena on how much tougher she’s become, since he temporarily ditched her ass, and went Rogue Ripper . . .
Yes, Stefan. Being dumped tends to make people Stronger and Tougher, even Kelly Clarkson said so. What’s interesting about what Stefan says here is that it kind of reminds me of what Katherine said to him, when the pair were first reunited in “The Return.”
Stefan also gets major points for admitting that he went just a smidge too far, with the whole “threatening to drown you over the same bridge where both your parents died,” thing . . . And perhaps, it’s this honestly, and increased intimacy, between the two that prompts Elena to make this AWESOME confession . . .
That’s right, Delena fans. Elena Gilbert is not one to mince words. And when she says she fell in love with “vampires” plural . . . and then later admits to KISSING SOMEONE without guilt, as opposed to BEING KISSED, she means it, most definitely. And whether or not I think this was the opportune moment to share this information with Stefan, I love that Elena is so willing to own up to her romantic feelings for Damon, not just to Stefan . . . but also to herself . . .
And really, can Stefan honestly blame her for falling for his brother, when Damon Salvatore is so friggin hot and charming, it’s almost painful to be in his presence, without ripping your clothing off he practically rolled the red carpet for the two of them to couple?
That said, even the staunchest of Delena shippers can’t help but feel the tiniest bit bad for Stefan, when — after weeks of showing virtually no emotion whatsoever, aside from sheer, unadulterated RAGE — the younger Salvatore brother suddenly looks as though he’s going to burst into tears at the prospect of his lover moving on, without him . . .
Welcome back, Stefan’s Humanity! Long time, no see . . .
Once Stefan has come down a bit, from the shock of hearing that Elena kissed Damon (He should watch it on YouTube. He’ll really be miserable then!), Elena confronts him again.
“Hey Steffy . . . I just wanted to stop by and torture you some more with details about my new love life. Here’s a detailed description of how Damon’s tongue felt as it probed my mouth and nether regions. If you’d like, I could even show you pictures. . .”
At this point, Stefan says something interesting: “You’re better than him. You’re better than both of us,” he says sadly, before getting back into his car, and driving away.
We heard this same sentiment echoed by Damon, when he first told Elena he loved her (and compelled her to forget it) back in “Rose.” To me, it shows just how psychically linked these two brothers are. How sad that neither man believes himself worthy of the woman he loves the most.
Well, hey, if Elena ends up being “too good” for both Damon and Stefan, I’d be happy to take one of them off her hands for her . . .
Elsewhere, Bonnie’s mom (who wasn’t compelled, but was acting against her real daughter to save her not-son?) keeps Jamie from offing himself, by getting Bonnie to come clean to Klaus’ hybrid about the location of the coffins. But before she does that, she secretly gives Bonnie the OK to tell her friends what’s happening, so that they might have time to do something about it. Their story ends on a relatively nice note, with Bonnie’s mom offering to try and get her power back (assuming she genuinely lost it, in the first place), so that she can help Bonnie open the Infamous Fourth Coffin.
So, the good news for Klaus is that he found out from his hybrid where Damon and co. were hiding the coffins . . .
. . . but the bad news is that the witches are hiding them from him, so he can’t actually see them . . .
They are also pretending he’s old school Damon and beating the crap out of him WITH THEIR MINDS . . .
So, he tells them, in no uncertain terms, that they better be nicer to him, or he will “Rip Damon from limb to limb” and “KILL EVERYONE THEY LOVE.”
Time to get some new tagline, Klaus. These threats are getting old . . .
Lack of originality aside, the witches roll over and play dead decide to show Klaus the coffins . . .
The only problem, of course (for Klaus, that is), is that Damon has re-hidden the ALL IMPORTANT FOURTH COFFIN . . .
So, suck on that Klausipoo!
Klaus = 0, Damon = 2, Elijah = 310 . . . .
When Stefan arrives back home to La Casa de Rich and Awesome, after a long, eventful day of being shot at, and having his — now apparently working again — heart stomped on, he decides to offer his favorite brother a little “keepsake” from his journey . . .
Poor Damon . . . vervained, de-blooded, beaten-up . . . he ALMOST wins the award for most abused cast member, this week . . . almost . . . But it appears, Damon might have taken a little keepsake of his own . . .
Meanwhile, back at the Klaus House, a mildly-pleased-with-himself Klaus, is going over his Malelovent Plans for World Domination with his Hybrid Pal of the week, when THIS happens . . .
Sorry Random Hybrid! It looks like you just won yourself one of these . . .
But hey, look on the bright side. I’m sure this episode earned you your SAG card!
[Greetings, Gossip Girl and Pretty Little Liars Fans! I know I owe you all two recaps today. Unfortunately, I was feeling a bit under the weather last night. However, I hope to get both recaps out to you by early January 18th (all fingers crossed). This means my Glee-cap should arrive by January 19th. Sorry about the delay. And thank you for being patient!]
BONNIE: “Make a wish, Caroline.”
CAROLINE: “I wish to get more action than Elena, this year.”
“Nice, Caroline! I thought we were friends. Do the words, ‘three seasons of virtual celibacy’ mean anything to you?”
Greetings Fangbangers! I’m going to admit that some very strange things happened to me during this episode . . . things I never thought would happen, ever . . . Here they are, in no particular order:
(1) Bonnie, as per usual, was judgmental toward Elena, about something she did last week. And I AGREED WITH BONNIE!
(2) Matt Donovan actually made me smile. (This hasn’t happened, since he got high, back in “The Birthday.” Perhaps, I only like Matt when he’s wasted . . .)
(3) Elena refused a second kiss from Damon, and I was totally OK with it. (BECAUSE, NEXT TIME, SHE’S GOING TO KISS HIM, INSTEAD!)
(4) I found myself incredibly turned on by a (sort of) love scene between Caroline, and someone who wasn’t Tyler . . .
Clearly, the apocalypse is upon us . . .
Also this week, I found myself, at various points during the episode, seriously questioning the respective motivations of Stefan, Klaus, and Tyler.
Are these men behaving out of self-interest, genuine concern for their lady friends, or, in the case of Tyler, a slighty modified version of compulsion? Also, would they all have been better off keeping their hands (and teeth) to themselves?
All in all, it was a very intriguing episode . . . one I very much look forward to “biting into” with you, right now . . .
(By the way, special thanks to Andre, for providing me some seriously amazing screencaps for this episode. I just wish we had a TVD tumblr, so that I can share them all with you.)
“I will not imagine Damon naked. I will not imagine Damon naked . . . I will not . . .”
“Dammit!”
So, Fangbangers, have you ever been really horny stressed out? Do you sometimes find yourself with so much excess desire and sexual energy, you simply must find someone to bone some way to release it? I have. And whenever I feel this way, I tend to GO BONE DAMON SALVATORE, THIS INSTANT, ELENA! do one of two things . . .
(1) workout my frustrations with some good old-fashioned humping physical exertion; or
(2) get naked cool off in a nice, refreshing shower.
When you think about it, it actually makes a lot of sense that Elena ended up doing the former, especially, in light of her recent epic porch smooch with Damon.
It’s also no surprise that, Damon did the latter. (After all, let’s face it, it’s been WAY TOO LONG, since we got to see Mr. Smoulderhotter NAKED!)
I’ve never been so envious of a towel, in my entire life.
I mean, Damon’s always been known to be quite the suds-loving dude . . . He takes his personal hygiene VERY seriously . . .
And . . . now, I’m jealous of the shower head . . .
After three seasons of angst, and unrequited love, the elder Salvatore Brother has FINALLY unburdened himself to Elena. He’s exposed himself to her, in the rawest, most personal way, and SHE reciprocated!
It was everything he dreamed about. And he’s totally satisfied with how it all turned out.
Elena, on the other hand, is CONFUSED, not to mention SERIOUSLY SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED. It’s as if, through that kiss, Damon transferred years of horny angst, unrequited love, and giddy confusion from his shoulders onto her own . . .
The only way to release that tension will be for Elena to similarly unburden herself. But, until she does that, something tells me she’s going to be thinking about that kiss for a VERY, VERY long time . . .
“Have you talked to Damon, today?” Elena asks Alaric apprehensively, as she thrusts her body into that big sweaty hunk of punching bag. (It’s a surprisingly girly comment, coming from our new warrior princess . . . Suddenly, she’s a preteen again, asking her best friend, if he thinks her crush likes her.)
Alaric clearly suspects something is going on between his surrogate kid, and his bromantic buddy, but, fortunately knows when to leave well enough alone . . .
“She could beat me up, for sure.”
Meanwhile, over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Stefan also might suspect that Damon’s gotten some tongue action (among other things), when the latter saunters out of his shower, naked except for a towel, looking surprisingly peppy, not to mention cocky as hell.
But if you were hoping for a brotherly bonding / gossip session over the brother’s mutual Gal Friday, you will end up being sorely disappointed. Stefan, who, by the way, hasn’t been laid in AGES . . .
“Rub it in, why don’t ya?”
. . . is all business. He wants the two of them over at Institution for Dead Witches on the Rag, ASAP, so that the pair can discuss Operation Kill Klaus.
As douchetastic and cold as Stefan has been, of late (He also seems to be wearing a heck of a lot more guyliner, since he went over to the dark side.), it was kind of fun to see the Salvatore Brothers back to their old schemes, and sibling banter. We haven’t seen that from them, in a while . . .
Knock, Knock . . . (a.k.a. Funeral 1)
Knock, knock . . .
Who’s there?
Heartless Hybrid . . .
Heartless Hybrid who . . .
Oh crap!
Despite the fact that there are three other unopened coffins in our midst (one of which contains Elijah and his awesome hair) . . .
. . . everyone only seems interested in that Mystery One . . .
“What are we? Chopped liver?”
We find Bonnie at the Institution, doing her own version of Bibbity Bobbity Boo over it . . .
Hey, I’ve got an idea. Why doesn’t she try to light the coffin on fire, or give it a headache, like she used to do to Damon . . .
(only without the nosebleeds . . . Have we completely forgotten about the nosebleeds, writers?) to no avail.
That’s right, Bonnie. I’m never letting you live this down . . .
Later, Damon tries to bash it in with a crowbar. That’s more like it. I’m just waiting for a Batsh*t Crazy Stefan to come at the thing with an electric chainsaw. Now, THAT would be awesome . . .
But, suddenly, just as Bonnie finishes her silly little rhyme, and Damon and Stefan reach the doorway to the Institution, the coffins disappear (What a clever little security system those witches have set up!) Damon rushes inside to warn Bonnie. Then, he and Stefan tag team and promptly de-heart our first anonymous hybrid victim of the evening.
Man, is it just me, or are these hybrids incredibly lame?
I don’t know, Klaus. Maybe they get that from their mom’s side of the family? But it seems to me like some of the Season 1 vampires, were about ten times more difficult to kill than these supposed Lean, Mean, Killing Machines . . .
Part vampire . . . part werewolf . . . ALL LOSER?
“These hybrids are really bringing the neighborhood down,” snarks Damon, as he tosses the bloody heart on the floor.
No wonder he showers so much . . .
Correction: They WOULD be bringing the neighborhood down, if any of them were actually smart enough to survive longer than five minutes to do it . . .
A Very, Very Un-Birthday to YOU!
“I was originally going to write the letters in my own blood, but thought that might be inappropriate.”
Over at school, Elena and Bonnie are busy decorating undead birthday girl, Caroline’s locker, when Elena announces that she has a confession to make. “I kissed Damon, and it was so hot I nearly orgasmed, right there on my porch. I’m so horny right now I could SCREAM. Jeremy’s leaving Mystic Falls, because I made Damon compel him to do so,” she admits, more or less.
The look on Bonnie’s face, when she hears this, is just FILLED with judgment. Can you imagine what her face is going to look like, when she learns Damon and Elena are boning?
She knows her ex would never willingly leave his family to battle evil, while he scurried off to someplace “safe.” And she also knows how much Jeremy always hated the way everyone, especially his sister, always treated him like a toddler, and never let him play in any Scooby Games. But, as angry as she is, Bonnie doesn’t say anything . . . yet.
Instead, she goes and asks Jeremy about why he’s leaving. And when he provides her with the stock, Stepford Husband, compulsion response with which Damon has provided him, she gives him this smirk that says, “You are acting like a such a brainwashed tool, right now. And you don’t even know it.”
For a second, it seems like Bonnie just might have gotten through to Jeremy. But then he sees a shiny object (Ghost Anna?), and completely forgets that she exists. Sorry, Bonster. You may be right about this one. But your ship has definitely sailed . . .
“I’m sorry. Damon has also compelled me to forget the name of that witch I used to screw.”
Meanwhile, an unusually Mopey Caroline arrives at school to find Tyler waiting for her in the parking lot.
“I could always ‘accidentally’ run him over with my car . . .”
I know girls like Caroline. Under normal circumstances, she’d probably show up to school on her birthday, wearing a tiara, a gold sequined dress, and a big button that says, “F*&k Kiss me, I’m a year older.”
“When I open my eyes, I better see lot of expensive presents in front of me, or else!”
But our girl Caroline has changed, in more ways than one, since last year. And the sight of her erstwhile beau isn’t making things any easier on her.
Speaking of subdued, the events of the past week seem to have finally gotten it through Tyler’s thick (but still adorable) hybrid skull that being “Gay for Klaus” isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. He apologizes profusely to Caroline for no longer being able to put her first, given how demanding his new lover happens to be. Then, he sweetly slips an adorable silver charm bracelet into her hand, wishes her happy birthday, and exits stage left . . .
As the couple talk, there’s some song playing in the background, in which the lyrics repeat, “It’s over,” over and OVER again. And there’s just something about it that really makes me want to break something.
Many fellow TVD fans have often complained about the LOUDNESS of the show’s background music. But this was the first time it TRULY bothered me . . . like a too-loud laugh track, over a part of a sitcom that wasn’t particularly funny . . .
“Turn the music down, dammit, I’m trying to hear FORWOOD!”
All this angst and pedantic music quickly become too much for Caroline. So, her and her plaid Catholic School Girl Skirt both decide to take a sick day . . .
How very Britney Spears, circa 1998 . . .
When, she arrives back at her house, however, Elena, Matt, and Bonnie are there waiting for her. (Did they all call in sick too?)
How many high school boys do you know who would willingly wear a bubble gum pink dunce cap?
They’ve planned a tequila campfire party in her honor. But Caroline, as we know, isn’t in a celebrating mood. “[My birthday, this year] is just a reminder that I’m dead,” she gripes. “I’m stuck in a filler year,” Vampire Barbie adds about her “forever 17” status.
(I don’t know about 17 being a filler year, per se. At least you can get your driver’s license, over and over again!)
But worry not, Caroline fans. Because Elena Gilbert, Therapist to Vampires, knows exactly the kind of party that Caroline needs . . .
A Very Klefan Breakup (a.k.a Funeral 2)
Speaking of vampires who are desperately in need of both therapy and sex, it seems Klaus has crafted a comfy new coffin for his re-daggered sister, Rebekah (or, perhaps, he saved the old one . . . knowing it wouldn’t be long before he’d get sick of his sister, and need it again).
He tells Punky She-Hybrid to “Show Rebekah to her room,” while lovingly caressing the coffin. And, for a moment, I’m reminded of that movie where Ryan Gosling started having intimate conversations with, and eventually, if I recall, marrying, a life-sized female doll . . .
But before Punky She-Hybrid can give Coffin Number 1, the grand tour of the Original Hybrid Suite, Stefan magically appears . . . (because, apparently, this is a day for Reunions with Ex-Boyfriends).
Klaus’ eyes light up when he sees his Steffypoo. And for a moment, I think the ancient vampire truly believes that the two of them are about to kiss and have sex make up.
But before Klaus and Stefan can continue their weekly weiner-measuring contest, Stefan has some grievances to air about their relationship, “friends don’t strip friends of their free will,” whines Stefan, of Klaus’ Very Bad Boyfriend decision to render him a virtual zombie for three or four episodes.
“Must . . . eat . . . braaaaaiiiiins.”
To Klaus’ credit, he actually apologizes for this. “I know that was extreme, but I can get a bit moody sometimes,” says the guy who has a habit of KILLING his relatives, for fun. “I was hoping [now that all that is over and done], that we could pick up right where we left off,” he coos, the sexual suggestiveness of his statement, fairly clear, as he winks at his boy toy, and blows kisses in his direction.
But Stefan’s not giving in so easily, nor is he swayed, by Klaus’ decision to play the “Brother Card.” In fact, Stefan’s SOOOO not down with the idea of a Klefan reunion that he CHOPS OF PUNKY SHE-HYBRID’S HEAD!
So, remember back when Stefan used to eat people’s heads off, and then glue them back on, because he felt bad about it? Apparently, neither does he . . .
And another one bites the dust . . .
I love how the decapitated body just stood there, for about three seconds, before finally crumbling to the ground.
For those of you keeping track at home, out of Klaus’ merry band of hybrids, we now have two, without hearts, and two without heads. Now, we just need some arms, legs, and torsos, up in this joint. And we could have ourselves a mean game of Hangman!
But alas, Klaus decides to burn Punky She-Hybrid’s head, in all it’s stylish Angry Girl Band-loving glory. This to me, seems like a real waste, especially when a “decorative sculpture” like this could really have spruced up Coffin Rebekah’s new bedroom . . .
A Very Klyler Breakup?
But Stefan isn’t the only boy toy of Klaus’ that’s cheesed off at him. Seemingly moments after Stefan the Decapitator has departed, in comes a snarling, feral-looking Tyler. He’s not giving in to this “sire” thing. No sir! He’s his own man, dammit.
So, of course, Klaus has to send Tyler off on another errand: namely, bite Caroline, and give her were-hybrid rabies, like Rose and Damon, before her.
(Hmmm . . . interesting. So, a hybrid bite can kill a vampire, just as easily as a werewolf one can, despite the fact that hybrids are, technically, part vampire. What happens, when they bite themselves?)
Tyler says “Hell to the No” to this errand, which I appreciated very much (Of course, I would have appreciated it much more, if his “Hell to the No” was followed by “Pretty please don’t kill Caroline, because I love her” . . . as opposed to merely, “Why should I do it?” . . . the unspoken . . . and, perhaps, unintentional, implication being that it would be OK, if someone else did it).
“See? I should have run him over with my car!”
Klaus pouts a bit, at his sex slave’s surprising disobedience. But, oddly enough, he ultimately lets Tyler off the hook, for this particular errand, without much fanfare . . . or does he?
In which it becomes shockingly apparent that the entire Founder’s Council is made up of vampires and psycho killers . . .
That night, Team Bad Ass, a.k.a. Alaric and Damon, attend one of those ridiculous faux-Founder’s Day parties at the Lockwood Mansion, so that they can later appear at one of those totally useless Anti-Vampire Council meetings. While they wait, Alaric talks to Damon about how odd it is that Stefan’s gone balls out, evil, while Damon is in hero-mode, and playing house with Elena. (You can always count on Alaric to say what everyone else is thinking . . .)
Speaking of Elena, “something’s up with [her],” Alaric confides in his bromantic buddy.
Damon smirks at this, undoubtedly imagining the way her tongue tastes. But he reveals nothing. Instead, he deflects, “I’m sure, whatever it is it starts with a ‘Stef’ and ends with an ‘an.'” He jokes. (More like starts with a “DAM” and ends with an “IT’S ON!”)
Crazy Nanny Carrie, er, I mean Meredith Fell then annoyingly magically appears to hit on Alaric some more, and remind us that, as a “Founding Fell,” she’s part of this Useless Council too . . .(Hey, you know who else was a Fell? Season 1 Logan . . . the guy Damon and Alaric both killed . . . coincidence?)
Crazy Nanny continues to flirt with Alaric, and make weirdly threatening references to the fact that she still imagines throwing her ex boyfriend from high school off a bridge. Woah, Crazy Nanny Meredith! Considering that you’re a doctor, it’s safe to say you’ve been out of high school for at least ten years. It’s time to let go, psychopath . . .
Later, we see said ex-boyfriend and Meredith fighting about something. The ex gets a bit rough with Meredith, and Prince Alaric comes to her rescue. Instead of being mad at Alaric, the guy in question actually seems to pity him, even going so far as to warn him about the nutjob he’s about to start screwing. (Clearly, this guy has watched One Tree Hill and Pretty Little Liars.)
Cause of death: The use of too much hair product, at once . . .
We later learn that this guy is the Town Medical Examiner, a.k.a. The Guy Who Lies and Says Residents Were Killed by Wild Dogs, When They Were Actually Sucked Dry by Stefan Salvatore . . .
More interesting than Crazy Nanny Meredith’s fantasies of becoming Stephen King’s Carrie, and Medical Examiner Guy’s shockingly bad hair is the fact that “some British guy,” has apparently donated oodles of cash to Mystic Falls’ Founder’s Council.
Annnnd . . . that’s how the Baddest Vampire of them All, and his Band of Strong, But Stupid, Hybrids all became honorary members of the Now Virtually 0% Human Anti-Vampire Council . . . Would you believe that Klaus got his foot in the proverbial council door, by offering the group PROTECTION from Stefan? Talk about the ultimate switcheroo.
To be honest, I was much less surprised that Carol Lockwood went along with her son’s new boyfriend’s plans, than I was that former vampire despiser, Lizard Forbes has suddenly gone out and bought herself a “Team Klaus” t-shirt.
Is it possible that she is predicting a future romance for her Vampire Barbie daughter, and the Original Hybrid? Stay tuned . . .
LIZ: “Bet you $20 they are boning by sweeps week.”
DAMON: “I’ll take that bet . . .”
Speaking of Crazy!Stefan, he makes a go at killing, yet a third hybrid, upstairs in the Lockwood Mansion. (This one, would have been another beheading . . . not very creative. However, he is ultimately stopped by Peacekeeping!Damon. Go figure! Damon’s passionate plea of “No dead hybrids at the Founder’s Party,” reminds me so much of Chris Rock’s “No sex in the Champagne Room,” that it makes me giggle.
Stefan, however, isn’t amused. So, he storms off to go pee on some more proverbial trees, so as to mark his town territory, and “be the better villain,” so to speak. And by “trees,” I mean “Elena” . . .
Meanwhile . . .
Here Lies Caroline Forbes . . . (a.k.a. Funeral 3)
In the most morbid, but surprisingly appropriate birthday party ever, Elena and the gang take Caroline to Fell’s tomb. There, they decide to give her a FUNERAL . . . you know, because she’s dead . . . and stuff. The idea, of course, is to get her to stop focusing on her OLD life of GETTING OLD, and start focusing on her NEW LIFE (which . . . is really, more or less, the same as her old one, except she occasionally drinks blood, and never ever will have to pay for Botox).
Then, Caroline proceeds to get mildly inebriated on tequila, and uses it as an excuse to drunk text Tyler. (We’ve all been there. ;)) This prompts Elena to make a snide remark, and Bonnie to stick up for Caroline. (AGAIN, I’m agreeing with Bonnie AGAIN! What the heck is wrong with me?) Apparently, liquor has loosened Bonnie’s lips enough for her to Elena what she really things of her decision to steal Jeremy’s free will, and send him away, possibly for good.
“Judging you . . . again.”
Matt gripes comedically, that all this catty girl talk is totally ruining Caroline’s kickass funeral. So, BonBon leaves. Enter Tyler to the tune of the song “Birthday Sex.” (Now, THAT would have been a good soundtrack choice!)
Tyler wants to talk to Caroline . . . alone. You see, his conversation with Klaus has taught him that he CAN, in fact say no. . . maybe. Of course, he’s thrilled . . . so thrilled, in fact, that he confesses his love to Caroline. Now, they are kissing. Now, they are humping against a tree. Now, they are . . . BITING EACHOTHER’S NECKS????
Ruh-roh! Apparently, some foreplay is just no longer acceptable, when you are a hybrid hooking up with a Vampire Barbie. Caroline falls to the floor, a mixture of shock, accusation, and pain, on her face.
Gnarliest hickey ever . . . I think Tyler might need braces . . .
To Tyler’s credit, he looks genuinely shocked at what he did. He obeyed Klaus’ wishes after all, even though (I think) he clearly didn’t want to do so. Now, if that ‘s not compulsion, I don’t know what is . . .
I would have liked for Tyler not to run off into the woods like a b*tch to leave Caroline dying in the forest. But run off, he did. In Tyler’s defense, Caroline asked him to leave. And he DID go and get her help, which, I suspect, was also precisely what Klaus wanted him to do . . .
Meanwhile, an adorable wasted Elena and Matt tumble out of the tomb, in search of Caroline. Just as they find her, Stefan knocks Matt unconscious, and steals Elena away, without so much as a “Happy Birthday,” to Dying Caroline. Way to be a gentleman, ASSHAT!
Next thing we know, Stefan is speeding down the highway with a kidnapped, and super pouty, Elena. He wants to drive her down to the bridge where they first met . . . you know, back when her parents drowned, and he rescued her? Ahh . . . memories. In fact, Stefan wants to take reliving those memories all the way to the next level, by DRIVING OVER THE BRIDGE, AND DROWNING WITH ELENA . . .
Damon calls Elena for some phone sex, and is not-at-all pleased that his brother has picked up the phone. He becomes even less pleased, when he learns what exactly Crazy!Stefan plans to do.
In an odd turn of events, Damon suddenly finds himself on the same side as Klaus. He runs to warn his new friend, of what’s happening. “Get rid of your hybrids, or he’s going to kill Elena,” Damon says, more or less.
“Sometimes, I wish YOU were my brother . . . you know . . . aside from the whole, leaving your siblings in coffins for 1,000’s of years . . . thing.”
Initially, Klaus isn’t concerned. He believes that Stefan ultimately loves Elena WAY too much to kill her. So, therefore, he must be bluffing. But when Klaus calls Stefan on the phone, he hears Elena’s anguished screams . . . screams which sound so very real. Then he hears Stefan, do the one thing, that to Elena, is worse than killing her out right, he force feeds her his blood . . . the exact same action for which he attacked Damon, last season.
Now, Klaus seemed fairly certain that Stefan wouldn’t kill Elena. But he’s much less certain he won’t turn her into a vampire, thereby making yet another Petrova Doppelganger useless as a human blood bank / hybrid making machine. This is a HUGE deal. After all, Klaus had to wait 500 years after Katherine turned vamp, for another opportunity to become / make hybrids. Who knows how long he’ll have to wait next time around?
Watching Klaus cry, as he hears Elena’s screams of terror, you could almost imagine that he really does care about her, as more than just a blood bank. And maybe he does. After all, Klaus has romantic history with two girls, who look exactly like Elena. So, it’s not hard to imagine that some of that tenderness has translated over to this new doppelganger, who’s so very important to him, in so many ways.
At the last possible minute, (once Klaus agrees to get his hybrids out of Mystic Falls, of course) Stefan stops the car. Oddly enough, despite having gone through the last few minutes with Elena, this guy seems truly confused, as to why she won’t back into the car with him.
Stefan’s speech to Elena is interesting, because it causes you to question just how much of his “No Emotions” thing, is an act, while, at the same time, illustrates just how insensitive and hard-hearted his experiences with Klaus have made him.
Stefan explains to Elena that she and Damon HAD to believe that he was really going to kill her / and/ or turn her into a vampire, to convince Klaus of the same thing. And if all that was an act, maybe the rest of it was too. After all, it certainly wouldn’t be the first time Stefan pretended not to care about Elena, in order to protect her.
On the other hand, as Elena tearfully explains, Stefan traumatized her, beyond belief, by forcing her to relive the moment of her parents death. And the fact that Stefan could make her do this, without giving so much as a thought to the mental and emotional impact it would have on her, shows him to not be the same guy with whom she fell so madly in love, a few years back.
Stefan digs the knife deeper, by telling Elena that defeating Klaus is all he has left, pointedly leaving both Damon and Elena out of that equation. He also tells Elena that they’ve been “over,” since he left Mystic Falls, and that he doesn’t care what she thinks about him, anymore. Of course, his facial expressions, when he says this, say otherwise.
Then, the Poopyhead drives off, leaving Elena in the middle of the road, for Damon to rescue . . . again. That’s right, boys and girls. Stefan Salvatore is on Team Delena. And, as awful a dude as he’s been lately, I certainly can’t fault him for that.
Speaking of Delena . . .
The Kiss Raincheck? 🙂
Throughout the hour, we’ve been waiting for Damon and Elena to address their epic liplock. Now, fittingly enough, they get to do so, in the exact same spot, where the infamous smooch occurred. Let’s rewatch, shall we?
I must admit, on first watch, I was disappointed that Elena rebuffed Damon’s sweet facial caresses, and soulful love eyes, with her, “You can’t kiss me again.”
I thought to myself, “Oh come on, Elena! Stefan practically ROLLED OUT THE RED CARPET for you to give in to your desires with Damon. Surely, you can’t be feeling guilty about it now!”
It also reminded me of that little Dawson’s Creek moment, I shared with you last week. You know, the one where Pacey told Joey that he couldn’t keep kissing her, because he’d already made his feelings known. So, if she wanted their relationship to continue, she would have to kiss him?
In essence, I think that is what Damon and Elena are both saying to one another, here. From Elena’s perspective, it wouldn’t be fair for her to accept another one of Damon’s mind-blowing kisses on THIS night, when her heart is so very raw, from where Stefan stamped on it. Despite her obviously strong feelings for Damon, if she let him kiss her right now, it would be more about Stefan than it would be about Damon. And Elena cares enough about Damon to know that he doesn’t deserve that . . .
The next time Damon and Elena kiss, it should be all about THEM, just like it was the first time.
From Damon’s perspective, he, like a certain Pacey Witter, knows that their next kiss must be Elena-initiated. And it needs to come at time, when Elena is finally genuinely OK with what happened between her and Stefan. He loves and respects Elena enough to wait for that moment to come. He’s also confident enough in her love for him, to know that it WILL come eventually . . .
Dreaming of Delena . . .
And, if the longing look Elena gave Damon at the end of this scene, and her words to Matt at the end of the episode are any indication, that moment will probably come sooner, rather than later . . .
Coming from a Hardcore Delena and Forwood shipper, you might be surprised to know that I found this the most fascinating moment of this episode. It was both surprising, and, at the same time, telegraphed from the very first scene. Most intriguing of all was the fact that Klaus’ motives for doing what he did are still not entirely certain.
On one hand, it certainly seems as though Klaus told Tyler to bite Caroline, knowing, full well that he would initially say no, and then, inadvertently end up doing it, anyway. At first, most of us fans, probably felt that this was done to show the Scooby Gang that Klaus means business, just as the attempted murder of Jeremy did, last week. However, on second glance, it seems more likely that Klaus only got Tyler to bite Caroline, so that he could ultimately save her.
The question is, why did he go through all this trouble to do that, for a girl with whom, up to this point, he has had little to no interaction? Does he truly care about her as much as he seems to, in this clip?
Or maybe because she looks so much like his sister (the other Vampire Barbie), or, perhaps, like someone he once loved? Has he coveted her all along, and merely been using Tyler to get to her?
Or, was all this merely a way, of keeping Tyler in line, by breaking him of the one person, who potentially had the power to keep him from being completely loyal? Also, having someone, like Caroline, who is so intimately linked to Stefan’s inner circle beholden to him, certainly can’t hurt Klaus’ plans for continued Elena usage, and world domination? The coy way, in which Klaus caresses the bracelet Tyler gave her for birthday (He ultimately gives her a much nicer, more expensive piece of jewelry, himself.) could be interpreted either way . . .
But whether you are Team Klaroline, or Team Forwood, you have to admit that these two are pretty darn sexy together . . . And here I thought death bed flirting was only hot , when Delena was doing it. Shows, how much I know . . .
Bye, Bye Jer Bear!
After Caroline gets her bracelet, things wrap up pretty quickly. Jeremy gets shipped off to Denver, without much fanfare. And Bonnie, for all her complaints and hand-wringing, when it actually comes time for him to leave, merely, hugs him goodbye.
Don’t worry, Jeremy. You’ll be back. The ones that don’t die ALWAYS comeback. (Come to think of it, so do the ones that DO die . . .)
Here Lies Elena Gilbert (a.k.a. Funeral 4) . . .
We follow up this tearful Jer Bear moment, with a surprisingly sweet one between Matt and Elena on that fateful Bridge of DEATH. Elena notes sadly that her former self might be disappointed with her current self, a girl in love with VAMPIRES (That’s right, I said “vampires” PLURAL . . .
The Matt we USED to know, would have probably agreed with Elena. But New Matt, was much kinder, giving Old Elena a “funeral,” so that she might be able to embrace her new crazy life, one which, though he might not fully understand, he does support, because he . . . wait for it . . . wants her to be happy.
Way to go, Matt! (I can’t believe I just typed those words . . . I must be going crazier than Stefan . . .)
Speaking of crazy . . .
Here Lies Crazy Nanny Carrie’s Victim Preppy Medical Examiner Guy . . . (a.k.a. Funeral 5)
Question: If the only Medical Examiner in town gets whacked, who gets to determine his Cause of Death?
While Alaric proceeds to get Day Drunk with Crazy Nanny Meredith, Lizard Forbes and her once-again pal Damon go traipsing in the forest to locate yet another of Mystic Falls growing list of Dead Unimportant Characters. This time its . . . surprise . . . Preppy Medical Examiner Guy . . . as in, the same one Crazy Nanny Meredith talked about tossing over a bridge, and the same one that Alaric publicly tussled with the night before. He’s got a stake in his chest, the victim of one of those rare things in Mystic Falls: the HUMAN KILL.
He stole Bonnie’s nose bleed. BASTARD!
Do, I suspect a Crazy Nanny Meredith Murder, followed by an Alaric Saltzman frame-up, possibly to avenge the death of an odious weatherman named Logan Fell? You bet I do!
And that was “Our Town,” in a Nutshell. Next week, on TVD: Tyler gets chained up and naked again, Crazy Nanny Meredith shows her true colors, and Bonnie appears to be bleeding from her nasal passages again. Hooray! You can check out the Canadian and American trailers for this episode, entitled “The Ties that Bind,” here:
Welcome back, my fellow Fangbangers! I missed you! Heck, I missed this show! Now, I know how Stefan feels, when he’s going through blood withdrawal . . .
All those sad, lonely, desperate Thursday nights without my TVD . . . it’s a wonder I didn’t completely lose my head or have Stefan chew it, or Jeremy chop it off with a meat cleaver . . . .
So, of course, this brings up the inevitable question . . . Was “The New Deal” worth the interminable wait . . . the sleepless nights . . . the hours spent watching Delena fanvideos on YouTube, while sitting entirely too close to my computer screen? Survey says . . .
Well, I’ll take that as a yes! 🙂
But wait . . . before I get started on the recap . . . I think I’m forgetting something. What could I possibly be forgetting?
Oh . . . yes . . . THAT. Well, we will definitely be talking about THAT, soon enough. But first, let’s get all that “other stuff” out of the way. Shall we? 😉
“If you unbury it, he will come . . .”
We open the episode with a nice close-up shot on Bonnie, who’s dressed like she’s ready to head out for a night of clubbing.
This, of course, caused me to ponder how far away the nearest dance club is from Mystic Falls. It’s too bad Vicki’s gone. She would have known the answer to that question, for sure . . .
But enough about Vicki. We’re with Bonnie, now. Mmm-kay? And Bonnie’s hearing The Whispers. You know The Whispers, right? These guys are WAY famous. If they had an IMDB page, it would probably be longer than Robert De Niro’s.
The Whispers are always popping up in horror movies, and scary TV shows, and telling the protagonist to do BAD THINGS: “steal that precious object,” “cheat on your wife,” “kill That Guy,” “eat more Chicken McNuggets.”
Unfortunately, here, The Whispers just want Bonnie to go into Lame Emily’s Ugly House of Dead Witchcraft and Mildew. Bonnie obeys. (Far be it for her to disobey The Whispers!) She goes into the basement of the Ugly House. There are four coffins there. (Gee golly! I wonder what it all means?)
It’s a nice day for a vamp funeral . . . or four . . .
The Whispers tell Bonnie to open one of the coffins. (They sure can be bossy . . . those Whispers.) And when she does . . . well . . . you’ll never guess who’s in there! It’s KLAUS! And he just looks like the happiest Dead Guy ever!
“Oh, hey Bonnie! Do you know where the bathroom is in this place? I’ve gotta piss like a racehorse.”
He’s also wearing some seriously tacky Man Bling on his finger and neck.
“Real Men” apparently wear insanely ugly jewelry . . .
Hey, maybe Bonnie has decided to go clubbing, after all! She notices that Klaus’ Man Bling would look TOTALLY AWESOME with her shiny gold-plated halter top, and black leather jacket. Should she take them? The Whispers say go for it! Klaus won’t need jewelry where he’s going.
“My Preciousssss!”
Bonnie reaches down to take the jewelry. Bad girl! Someone grabs her from behind. Now, she’s really going to get it! No one has ever stolen Man Bling from the Original Hybrid, and lived to tell the tale. At home on the couch, TVD fans hold their breaths, awaiting her witchy demise . . .
Or not . . .
You see, Bonnie was just dreaming . . . But you probably already knew that, didn’t you? You sly little fangbanger, you!
“Great, now I have to pee like a racehorse . . .”
“Hey, Hot Soon-to-be-Headless Hybrid! Wanna Race?”
While Bonnie’s still in Dreamland, our girl Elena is out kicking ass, and taking names.
Actually, she’s jogging. And yet, given Elena’s track record with vampires, werewolves, hybrids and other assorted demons, I kind of think learning how to run away is a much better use of her time, don’t you think? Of course, there’s only one problem: HUMANS CAN’T RUN AWAY FROM SUPERNATURAL CREATURES . . .
“Doh!”
Speaking of the aforementioned OBVIOUS premise, I think it’s kind of funny that, after finishing her 5K race, or, however, long it is that our girl jogs, Elena looks at her stop watch, and gives herself a mental pat on the back for her improved speed.
You can almost hear her saying in her head. “I finished in 25 minutes. That’s 30 seconds faster than last time! That means I should now be able to run a full 30 seconds, before whatever vampire is chasing me that week chews my legs off . . . or whatever . . .
Elena’s self-congratulatory mood is short-lived however, because someone is jogging behind her. He’s kind of hot . . . but not Damon hot, or Tyler hot . . . just normal run-of-the-mill hot. He is also wearing the Blue Hoodie of Death, and has Senseless Kill of the Week written all over him.
“Hey . . . is that guy looking at my ass? He better not be looking at my ass.”
Elena knows that none of these things are good signs. She starts to panic. But maybe she’s just being paranoid? He could just be a Random Running Guy, right? Elena breathes a sigh of relief.
Then, she remembers what television show she’s on, and starts running like hell . . .
At home, we’re counting the seconds before This Guy goes into warp speed and chews off Elena’s legs. But he just keeps following her at regular speed . . . no . . . scratch that . . . slow speed . . . Elena’s kicking his ass. This guy’s a chump!
And then . . . like that . . . he’s gone.
So, you can imagine Elena’s surprise when he comes back again IN THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE DIRECTION from where we last saw him. He bumps into Elena on purpose, while mumbling apologies about how he should really watch where he’s going.
“Has anybody ever told you that you have a great ass?”
At this point, Foster the People’s “Pumped Up Kicks” starts playing in my head, “All the other kids with the pumped up kicks, you better run, run, run, out-run my hybrid . . .”
That’s how the song goes, isn’t it?
Three Cheers for the Klaus-ageddon!
Later, at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Bonnie and Elena are swapping stories about their CRAZZZY mornings.
I just keep wondering where Caroline is during all this? Don’t they realize that Caroline’s boyfriend just became Gay for Klaus, and she’s in an Extremely Vulnerable State, right now? They couldn’t have asked her to come along for their little breakfast session? HOW RUUUUUDE!
“Don’t mess with me. I eat girls like you for breakfast. No . . . seriously . . . for breakfast this morning, I ate a girl that looked just like you.”
Speaking of rude, Bonnie, who has NO TACT, WHATSOEVER, decides that this is the perfect time to bring up He Who Shall No Longer Be Named, a.k.a. Stefan. “He betrayed us. The Stefan we know is gone,” replies Elena, in a voice that says, “Keep on this subject, and I’ll start asking you about Luka. Remember him, Bon-Bon?”
By the way, did you all notice how Elena said “us” . . . as in “Damon and I are an “us” now. Get used to it?” Because, I certainly did. 😉
Speaking of Damon, I think it’s adorable (in a highly dysfunctional way) that my TV Boyfriend is such a raging alcoholic that the bartender basically puts an entire shelf full of liquor in front of him, so that he can mix his own drinks at his leisure, despite the fact that it’s probably about 11 a.m. in TVD-land . . .
Damon’s kind of bummed though, because Boy Toy Alaric is being a TOTAL kill joy, and not drinking with him. LAME! So, Damon tries to entice him . . . first with his baking skills (“I’ve got a screw driver, and a bloody mary. It’s brunch in a bottle”), and then with his sexual wiles (“Let’s get naked.”)
Come on, Chunky Monkey! Don’t be such a stick-in-the-mud. Get naked with your bromantic buddy. It’s not like we all haven’t seen it before . . .
But alas, Alaric is in no mood for sex games with Damon. He’s seriously bummed out, because he had to fail Jeremy on a plagiarized history paper. Damn! That’s cold. I thought the whole point of having a history teacher as your pseudo dad is so you can get straight A’s?
Apparently, Alaric is skulking at the bar, in order to perform his first of many interventions on his errant not-so-son (seriously, the Scooby Gang must have spent at least ten minutes during this hour Waiting for Jeremy), as soon as the latter arrives at work. Not so fast, No Longer Alchy-ric! Sexy Female Bartender says Jer Bear got canned from The Only Bar / Social Establishment weeks ago.
Ruh-roh! I guess this means Matt Donovan is going to have to go back to being the Only Waiter at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls again . . .There goes your social life, Matty Boy!
But don’t worry. You still have your sister and your mom to hang out with . . . oh . . . wait . . . never mind . . .
“Let’s get drunk and shoot some stuff . . .”
Speaking of Naughty!Jeremy, he’s out in the woods with Tyler, boning drinking cheap beer, and shooting stuff with crossbows. (How very hillbilly of them!)
“Hey Ty, after this, are you up for some cow-tipping?”
Much like the rest of us, Jeremy wonders out loud, why Tyler is suddenly so interested in hanging out with him, considering that the two of them have had virtually nothing to do with one another, since that time back in Season 2, where Tyler’s dad just died, and Jer Bear and Ty-Ty discovered that they both liked to draw supernatural creatures, drink booze, and screw slutty soon-to-be-dead girls . . .
Tyler responds that “Since you are leaving the show for a while, the writers thought it might be nice to throw those much-neglected Team Jyler fans a mildly homoerotic bone, while they still could. “I’m pissed at Caroline, and Bonnie dumped your ass . . . the point is to get drunk and shoot stuff.”
Oh Tyler! How you slay me with your eloquent wordsmith-ery! It almost makes me forget that you are about to RUIN THIS POOR BOY’S LIFE, FOREVER . . . almost.
Now, don’t even try looking at me with those puppy dog eyes of yours. Because it’s just not going to work . . .
Jeremy instructs Tyler to get out of the way, since he’s drunk and is about to “shoot stuff,” just like Tyler said. But Tyler’s all, “Heyyyy . . . I’m a hybrid. Why not shoot me? Come on! I know you wanna!”
Is it just me, or is Tyler particularly screencappable today? It’s almost as if becoming a hybrid has provided him with an entirely new range of facial expressions to try out . . .
In the first of many Helpful Hybrid Tips Tyler reveals throughout the episode, Vampy Teen Wolf explains that the only way to really kill a hybrid is to chop off it’s head, while it’s unconscious. Good to know . . .
Jeremy then shoots Tyler with the crossbow, and Tyler catches it. Bo-ring! I thought he was going to deflect it with his Massive Muscular Man Chest. Maybe next time . . .
Elena ponders the Epic Question that has plagued fangirl bloggers for years: What is Damon Salvatore’s Most Attractive Look?
“Oops . . . I cockblocked again.”
Back at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, a slightly slurry but still maddenly gorgeous Damon has told Elena about Jeremy’s little Work Mishap, in between his fifth shot of scotch, and his second round of darts. (Fortunately, the drinks haven’t negatively impacted his aim or, as we will see soon enough, his pick-up lines.)
“If I’m this good at hitting a bullseye with a dart, just imagine how good I might be at locating other sensitive areas.”
Mama Elena, of course, is “very, very disappointed in Jer Bear,” and has been leaving increasingly frantic phone messages on his cell phone, as a result. Damon, however, seems completely unfazed. He tries to calm Elena down, by reminding her that Jeremy is a teenager . . . and that being sullen and sometimes irresponsible is simply what teens do.
“Elena, you seem so tense. I hereby renew the request I made earlier to Alaric, that we all get naked. I’ll go first.”
(I always find it interesting how much the rest of the Scooby Gang is constantly noting how young and impressionable Jeremy is, when he’s really only two years younger than Elena. After all, 16-years old, isn’t exactly a toddler, especially when you consider that Elena, herself, was just a year older than that, when the series started. The issue of Jeremy’s “youth” will come into play again, later on in the episode. So, stay tuned . . .)
Funny . . . he doesn’t look like he needs a diaper change . . .
Even when Damon seems carefree and tipsy, he’s always looking out for Elena, and trying to make her feel better about the admittedly horrible situations in which she seems to find herself on a nearly daily basis. He does this by lifting her spirits with flirty humor, and comforting words, disguised as nonchalant banter. It’s only when Elena’s truly distraught, that he allows himself to get serious with her, and let his true feelings show, as we will see later in the episode . . .
Elena is always looking out for Damon too . . . She just does it in a more obvious way. I like how Elena sees Damon joking around, and looking seemingly drunk and happy, but instinctively knows that he is smarting from his brother’s betrayal, while still missing him terribly, and hiding all this pain behind glibness and false bravado. “Are you OK?” She asks him, her brows furrowed, and her eyes filled with obvious concern (among other things) for this beautiful vampire.
“Are you OK because I don’t want you to be too drunk to ravish me in your bedroom, after we make out, later tonight?”
But Damon is no fool. He has no desire to rehash the Stefan Salvatore Saga with the woman he loves. And he’s much too selfless, at least when it comes to her, to bring her down, by recounting his own personal woes. Instead, he uses this as an opportunity for flirtation.
Damon confidently strolls into Elena’s personal space, and inquires which of his many looks she finds the most attractive, since she admitted that his Drunken Frat Vampire visage isn’t her “favorite.” Flustered, Elena quickly counters that she doesn’t necessarily find any of his looks attractive. However, the way she’s staring at his lips, and pawing at his chest, when she says it, makes me think that, even as she denies it, Elena is mentally perusing a catalogue of her favorite Damon Looks, in order to choose the most erotic one.
“Pick ME, Elena . . . pick ME!”
Now, I’m no mind reader, of course. But my guess is that THIS is the look she ultimately chose . . .
As with most sexy Delena moments, this one gets cockblocked by Klaus, who seems to be enjoying the Delena Show just as much as the rest of us. “Don’t mind me,” he says with a smirk, as he approaches the Dartboard of Looooooove . . .
“Damon, my brother . . . you better hit that, soon. Because if you don’t, I will . . .”
Klaus hasn’t shown up alone, though. He’s got his good pal The Soon-to-be-Headless Hybrid with him . . . Soon-to-be-Headless has a name, apparently. It’s “Tony.” I’m just choosing not to remember it. (I mean, why bother, right?) Damon’s left nipple has had more screen time than this guy will ever have on TVD . . . He did have a cute head, though . . .
“Coincidentally, Damon’s left nipple also happens to be named ‘Tony.'”
As always, Klaus has a special request for his favorite couple. He wants them to help him find his sister, and Grave Robbing Stefan. If they do that, he’ll be a good little Mystic Falls neighbor, and leave them alone . . . well . . . at least until he needs Elena’s blood again to make more hybrid minions. Something tells me he’ll have at least one less of those by the end of the episode . . .
As for Elena, she has absolutely no interest in getting in the middle of the b*tch fight between her ex-boyfriend, and his new boyfriend . . .
“That sounds to me like a Klaus and Stefan Problem,” Elena says smartly. (Damon’s right. She does get feisty, when she’s angry.)
Klaus, however, considers himself way too important to get himself sassed by a mere human. He moves closer to her, in order to show her who’s boss. But then THIS happens . . .
That’s right, boys and girls, Damon shoulders his way between Klaus and Elena, and gives Klaus THE STARE. Watch out Bad Ass Damon . . . your chivalry is showing!
One of my favorite Klaus moments in the episode was when he giggled at Damon’s obvious show of affection for Elena. I know that part of him sees this as a weakness of Damon’s that he can exploit. But I strongly suspect that another part of him just sees it as really hot . . .
“This is me broadening the scope,” responds Klaus to Elena’s retort, before exiting stage left.
Well played you adorable, curly-haired, villain, you!
Somebody call an interior decorator (or an exorcist) . . .
Elsewhere, Bonnie return to Lame Emily’s Ugly House of Witchcraft and Mildew . . . a.k.a. home of The Whispers. Honestly, you would think that a house inhabited by a bunch of ghostly witches would be more aesthetically pleasing. The resale value must be next to nada. HGTV would most definitely not approve.
Behold . . . a house that only a dead person could love.
Bonnie is only mildly surprised to learn that Stefan (who’s still looking all cold and Ripper-y, despite his recent de-compulsion by Klaus) has been living here. Quite a step down from La Casa de Rich and Awesome, I’d say! Not to mention the fact that he used to share a mansion with one person. Now he’s sharing a two-bedroom colonial with four staked Originals, and a bunch of dead witches, who are perpetually on the rag . . .
“Damon, let me move back in and I promise I will never make fun of your massive bath soap collection again.”
Stefan wants Bonnie to use a spell to help keep the coffins hidden from Klaus. Bonnie is uncertain she has enough nosebleeds left in her to do this . . .
It’s Time for Hybrids 101, with your Trusty Professor, Tyler Hotpants . . .
Back at the Gilbert house, Alaric and Elena are waiting in the kitchen to attempt their second Jer Bear intervention. But when Jeremy finally arrives home, he’s all “Not without My Tyler.” Suddenly, Mr. Gay for Klaus, himself, has been invited inside the Gilbert home. And guess who’s sticking around for dinner?
“Hey, do you mind if I use your neck for a few seconds? I haven’t fed all day.”
Clearly speaking for the TVD fandom, Alaric wonders out loud what exactly the difference is between being Klaus’ “sire” and doing everything he says, and being compelled to do whatever Klaus says . . .
“Yes Master, I will absolutely color coordinate with you, the next time we go out to pick up chicks.”
At first, Tyler is actually pretty convincing in his support of siring. Tyler explains that he “obeys” Klaus, because he feels indebted to him for saving him from a life of painful monthly transformations, and, of course, mortality. He also assures the Gilbert clan that he’s still his own man, and can disobey Klaus whenever he feels like it. It’s kind of like a crack junkie, who says, “I can stop whenever I want. I just choose not to do so.”
But as convincing as Tyler’s initial arguments might have been, he shoots himself in the foot by admitting that he would rip his heart out of his chest, if Klaus asked him nicely to do it . . .
So, let me get this straight, Ty-Ty. You are forever indebted to Klaus for saving your life . . . so indebted, in fact, that if he asked you to KILL YOURSELF, you would do it? I don’t know . . . that sounds a heck of a lot like compulsion to me . . .
Oh, and Tyler? Elena and Alaric are TOTALLY judging you, now . . .
Damon finds a new drinking buddy . . .
Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Klaus has just let himself in, completely uninvited. By now, the whole notion that this house is owned by Elena, and therefore, no one can be invited in, unless she says so, has been completely forgotten in TVD land. Damon might as well open a Bed-in-Breakfast, considering all the supernatural creatures, who come and go as they please. They don’t call it the Salvatore Boarding House, for nothing . . .
Klaus has come to drink with Damon, flirt with him shamelessly, b*tch about Stefan, and, of course, re-issue his offer to stop cock blocking Damon and Elena, and killing off their friends, provided the couple help him locate his pretty little coffins. Unfortunately for Klaus, Damon would probably respond much better to compulsion than flirtation, as he seems to be the only male character on this show who’s completely immune to the Original Hybrid’s unique charms.
But Klaus can’t compel Damon, because Damon’s been drinking vervain. So, instead the Big Bad Vamp metaphorically waves his weiner at his younger nemesis, by making a Mysterious Phone Call, in which he instructs SOMEONE to do SOMETHING he told them to do earlier . . .
SPPOOOOOKKKYYY . . .
Always look both ways before crossing the street (or responding to a hypnotic phone call) . . .
In a scene that is extremely reminiscent of the one from Plan B, in which Katherine compelled Useless Aunt Jenna by phone to stab herself in the chest, after dinner, we see Jeremy in the corner, engaged in a clandestine conversation. After he hangs up the phone, Jeremy sits back at the kitchen table, as if nothing happened.
But moments later, when Mama Elena and Papa Alaric stupidly turn their back on Jeremy to wash dishes, and make fun of Tyler, and his silly Sire-y Ways, Jer Bear takes off his Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality and walks out into the street, looking like the Hottest Zombie Ever!
He then dazedly stands in the middle of the road and waits for a car to come and run him over into oblivion. Now, last I checked, Elena lives in a suburban development, where the speed limit in front of her house is probably a whopping 25 mph. You would think, at that slow speed, someone might notice a teenage boy standing in the middle of the road, like a moron.
Death Car for Cutie
A-ha! But Klaus took care of that too! Because, sure enough Busy Bee, Soon-to-be Headless Hybrid is cruising on the street at about 90 mph. (Annnnd . . . now we know why Jeremy had to take off his ring. If a HUMAN drove the car into him, the ring wouldn’t save him. But because Soon-to-be Headless did it, it’s considered a Supernatural Death. Well, technically, the compulsion is supernatural too and . . . nevermind.)
Fortunately, Alaric, who, as we all know, has been holding on to the Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality that Uncle / Father John gave Elena, back in “The Hybrid,” jumps in front of the car just in time to push Jeremy out of the way. The good news is that he saves Jeremy’s life . . .
The bad news is that Alaric is dead . . . for now . . .
In a rather unnecessary “I told you so,” moment, Elena informs a very shaken-up Jeremy that (1) he’s been compelled by Klaus to kill himself; and (2) his so-called good buddy Tyler has only been hanging out with him, so that he could compel him off vervain. Way to rub salt in the wound, Elena . . .
Like the compelled suicide attempt itself, this aspect of Klaus’ plan is also similar to Katherine’s from “Plan B.” If you recall, Katherine posed as Elena, in order to get Jenna to stop taking vervain . . .
So, while Klaus gets an “A” for deviousness. He gets a “C” for originality. Sorry, Original Hybrid!
Elsewhere, Klaus is busy building his future Mystic Falls home, (which, honestly, I thought would be much bigger), when Tyler arrives MORALLY OUTRAGED by what Klaus almost succeeded in doing to Jeremy, and the part he played in it. (Seriously, Tyler, you made the dude stop taking vervain, in the service of someone who HATES his family. What exactly did you think was going to happen?)
Klaus calmly tells Tyler, more or less, to man-up. (hybrid-up?) “You need to get over your conscience. Human life is a means to an end,” Papa Bear explains patronizingly to Baby Bear.
I love how Klaus refers to a “conscience” as something you can simply “get over,” like a head cold, or a bad stomach flu . . .
Meanwhile, back at the Gilbert house, Damon has, once again, come to Elena’s aid. “How’s [Alaric]?” He asks, with obvious concern for his bromantic drinking buddy.
“He’s still dead,” replies Elena conversationally.
If you recall, the first few times Alaric died, wearing his ring, he came back to life, within mere minutes. But, back in “Disturbing Behavior,” when Damon killed him, it seemed to take at least an hour. This time, Alaric is dead for multiple hours, and experiences additional complications that I will address in just a bit. No word yet, on why Alaric’s ring seems to be offering it’s wearing increasingly diminishing returns. Perhaps, even when it comes to Magical Rings, there’s a limit to how many “Get Out of Death Free” cards, a person is entitled to use . . .
‘This is depressing . . . I need another drink.”
Leaving Alaric to . . . um . . . rest in peace, Damon and Elena discuss their respective plans to finally rid Klaus from their lives for good. Elena wants to return Rebekah to Klaus, so that he can undagger her. But Damon won’t hear of it. He hates the idea of Rebekah seeking vengeance against Elena, considering that Elena is the one who staked her, in the first place. As for Damon’s plan, he wants to give Klaus back his precious coffins, if only he knew where they were . . .
Remembering Bonnie’s dream, Elena thinks she knows exactly where to look, and calls Bonnie to confirm . . .
But before Elena and Damon can head off on their Next Big Kill Klaus Plan, Little Bro Jer has some haunting parting words for them both: “None of us are going to make it out of here alive,” he warns.
(By the end of the episode, of course, we know that for certain, that Jeremy’s words aren’t entirely true, considering that ONE person gets out of Mystic Falls, very much alive. But could this possibly be a foreshadowing of Elena eventually being turned into a vampire? Stay tuned . . .)
Over the River and Through the Woods . . .
So, remember last season, when Damon tried to enter Lame Emily’s Ugly House of Witchcraft and Mildew, for the first time?
Well, apparently, female witches are quite good at holding grudges, because they are still up to their same shenanigans, when Damon tries to enter the house, this time. My only question is, why are they still so Pro Stefan, especially considering what a major douche he’s become, of late . . .
At first, Damon waits outside, while Elena tries to talk some sense into Stefan. “Bonnie sucks at keeping secrets,” Stefan pouts, when Elena admits to knowing exactly why Stefan is there and what he’s doing.
I’ll admit, I’m a bit shocked when Elena tells Stefan that Klaus will KILL Jeremy, if he doesn’t put an end to this vendetta, and Stefan barely bats an eyelash. “That’s not my problem,” he says callously.
WOW! Even Compelled Zombie Ripper Stefan wasn’t this cold! Considering that Stefan claims to be doing all this to save his own brother, you would think he would be more sympathetic to Elena’s desire to do the exact same thing. I’m glad when she finally slaps him. He’s had that one coming to him for quite awhile, now . . .
Having heard everything that went on inside Ugly House, Damon grabs hold of Elena’s hand to comfort her over what she’s just endured. “You deal with your brother, and I’ll deal with mine,” Damon assures Elena, sweetly, offering her that sad half smile, he seems to reserve exclusively for her . . .
Fighting the torturous sunburn he’s getting, Damon rushes into the house to talk to Stefan . . . and, of course, by “talk” I mean “beat up.” I kind of feel like Damon and Stefan fight with one another the way other brothers hug, or give eachother Manly Back Pats. And when they stake one another, it’s like their own super secret handshake . . .
During the fighting, grunting, staking, and de-staking, Damon cleverly manages to throw his brother out of the Ugly Witch House, before he starts to look like a cast member on the Jersey Shore. But before they can discuss anything else, Damon has one question he’s been dying to ask his brother since before the hiatus, namely: “Why didn’t you just let Mikael kill Klaus, Ya MORON?”
“I did it to save YOU,” Stefan admits in a way that is surprisingly sheepish, and heartfelt, especially considering the icy way he dealt with Elena earlier.
Elena is absolutely right. Damon truly is the key to Stefan’s humanity. Right now, he’s the only one to whom the latter is willing to show that he still has it. Honestly, the whole fight scene was kind of hilarious (yet oddly sexy), as was Damon’s occasional bratty remarks, like “No wayyyyyy,” and “STOP SAVING ME!”
Once they are done trying to temporarily kill one another, Damon and Stefan eventually come to a truce. “In order to defeat Klaus, you need to be cutthroat and devious,” Damon explains to his little brother. “I am so much better at that than you.”
Stefan does not necessarily disagree. The brothers ultimately agree that they will work together (along with Bonnie) to keep the coffins from Klaus, provided Elena has no part in their plan.
*insert girly growling noises here*
It’s nice to know that Stefan still has some concern for Elena’s well being. And it’s interesting to see how, now, the shoe is on the other foot. Back in “Rose,” Damon compelled Elena to forget his love declaration for her, because he thought that Stefan was “better for her.”
Now, it’s Stefan who’s keeping his distance from Elena, and continuously pushing her away, at least partly, because he knows that Damon will love and protect her, no matter what . . .
As for the coffins, they’ve been hiding in the Ugly Witch House the entire time, only becoming visible when the witches want them to be seen. (Well, at least there’s ONE person those vengeful witches seem to hate more than Damon . . . Klaus). Toward the end of the episode, Bonnie notes that if The Whispers are right, one, in particular, will be the key to Klaus’ undoing. It’s the fourth coffin, the only one that DOESN’T contain an Original Family Member within it. Could this coffin be the one that houses the First Petrova?
Everything Comes to a Head . . . Literally
They say that the definition of “stupidity” is doing the same thing multiple times, and continuing to expect different results. That was exactly what I thought about, when I saw Jeremy once again trying to shoot Tyler with a crossbow, and Tyler once again, catching it. I don’t know. Perhaps, this was just Jeremy’s unique way of “breaking up” with Tyler. No more sex in the champagne room for these two!
Nonetheless, Tyler still obviously has enough of a soul, and independent spirit to want Jeremy stay alive. And for that reason, Tyler warned him that he should stay in his house, because Klaus wasn’t finished with him yet . . .
Back at the Gilbert House, Alaric is FINALLY coming back to life . . . That’s the “good news.” The bad news is that he’s coughing up blood, and somehow still near death’s door. Apparently, while the Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality has kept his heart beating, it hasn’t bothered to cure his injuries, thereby making it the Lazy Ass Ring of Immortality.
At this rate, a friggin crossbow would be more effective at protecting Alaric than his ring . . .
A frantic Elena calls the ambulence. But by the time they arrive, someone else is there compelling them to leave. Surprise! It’s Soon-to-be-Headless Hybrid! Seriously, Klaus? Again? This is like on that show Punk’d, when all the pranks starred that same Dax guy for about five seasons, and Ashton Kutcher wondered why suddenly none of the celebrities were being fooled anymore. If Klaus supposedly has all these fabulous sired hybrids, why the heck does he keep using this same one?
“Howdy . . .”
Anywhoo . . . Soon-to-be-Headless tells Elena that, now that the ambulence is gone, Alaric’s only shot at survival is to invite the hybrid inside, and let Alaric drink his blood. I guess this would make Alaric a plain-old vampire, since only Klaus, himself, could make hybrids, and Alaric was never a werewolf. Elena seems torn, having been in a not-entirely-different situation to Alaric herself, not long ago.
Fortunately, however, she doesn’t have to make that choice for Alaric, because Soon-To-Be-Headless was just crossbowed. That’s right. Jeremy is BACK, baby! But wait, he hasn’t finished with the hybrid yet. Striding into the house, like it’s no big THANG, Jeremy reemerges on the porch with a meat cleaver and hacks off Now-Actually-Headless’s skull, as easily as if he’s cutting through butter.
Now, admittedly, this is not the most realistic rendition of a decapitation. In real life, Jeremy would probably have to spend an hour methodically chipping at this guy’s neck, to get through the skin alone. But that’s OK. Because, while this may have been the fakest Head Chop EVER, it was also the sexiest. I mean, can you imagine getting turned on by decapitation? I can . . . now! Heck, even the blood splatters on Jeremy’s face, upon finishing the job are hot!
They look kind of like freckles . . .
Elena doesn’t necessarily think so, though. She’s choking back tears . . . not necessarily because she gives two sh*ts about Now-Actually-Headless Hybrid. Nope, she’s merely mourning the loss of Jeremy’s innocence. Oh honey, you forget that Jeremy once dated Vicki Donovan. I hate to break it to you, Big Gilbert, but that Innocence Ship sailed away a LOOOOONG time ago . . .
Paging, Dr. Fell . . .
At the hospital, Alaric’s doctor is Crazy Nanny Carrie from One Tree Hill. No, I’m sorry, I mean, Psychotic B*tch Sister Melissa from Pretty Little Liars. OMG, how am I supposed to trust this woman, when every single solitary role she takes, her character ends up being a totally evil wackadoo. (She’s also Paul Wesley’s real-life wife. Go figure!)
Anywhoo, Doctor Not-Crazy-Nanny-Carrie and Not-Psychotic-B*tch-Sister-Melissa is super flirty with Alaric. She’s also super intrigued by his miraculous healing abilities and wants to study him in a lab. (Not the worst pickup line I’ve ever heard . . . but I’ve certainly heard better.)
Dr. Fell’s “game” improves a bit, when she asks Alaric if he has a guardian angel, or he “sold his soul to the devil.” Alaric’s clever reply, “a little bit of both,” actually describes Damon Salvatore to a tee, don’t you think?
But more important than her flirting abilities, perhaps, is the “good” doctor’s name. Dr. Fell wants Alaric to call her by her first name: Meredith. Intrepid TVD book fans will recall that “Meredith” was Book Elena’s smart, sardonic, dark-haired, and olive-complexioned “other best friend,” aside from Bonnie. They will also recall that “Meredith” dated the vampire hunter / history teacher, Alaric Saltzman throughout most of the series.
So, is this the TVD writers way of FINALLY introducing this character — who by the way, was a real fan favorite — into the television series? Well, that remains to be seen. Torrey Devitto definitely “looks” the way Meredith was described in the books (though she’s about ten years older). But I just don’t trust her . . . and if she’s a character I can’t trust, she’s NOT Book Meredith. Sorry Crazy Nanny Carrie . . .
A “fair trade” . . .
In a scene and plotline that was surprisingly reminiscent of Elena’s decision to go against both Salvatore’s wishes, and un-dagger Elijah, so that he could help her kill Klaus, Elena decides to invite Klaus into her home . . .
. . . and offer him the not-particularly-dead Staked Rebekah, in exchange for a promise of Jeremy’s continued safety. Before Klaus can accept the bargain, Elena lets him know two important pieces of information: (1) Elena, as we know was the one who staked Rebekah. So, if Klaus still needs Elena, for her blood, or just for leverage, Klaus will have to keep Rebekah from killing the Petrova Doppelganger. (2) Rebekah knows that Klaus killed their mother.
Klaus ultimately accepts the terms of Elena’s deal, but still wants Elena to help him find Stefan. Elena hasn’t turned her back on her former beau quite enough yet to reveal his whereabouts to Klaus. She does let the Original Hybrid, however, that there is no longer any love lost between the pair. “Stefan doesn’t care about me, anymore,” she explains resolutely. “You turned him into a monster, and now he’s your problem.”
Recognizing that Stefan is no longer a sufficient bargaining chip to auction in exchange for Elena’s loyalty, and that Jeremy is now off the table, Klaus reminds Elena that he can still kill other people she loves, like Caroline, Bonnie, or . . . . wait for it . . . DAMON!
NOOOOOOO!
Needless to say, Klaus threat was a highly effective one . . .
Someone’s in the kitchen with Elena . . .
Speaking of Damon, back at the Gilbert house, he chivalrously agrees to dispose of Now-Actually-Headless Hybrid’s body, while Elena frantically scrubs at her bloody hands. (Why are you’re hands so bloody, Elena? And don’t say it’s from “cleaning the porch,” because I don’t buy it. Did you soak them in the Poor Guy’s disembodied skull?)
Back in “Homecoming” Elena took a very angry, betrayed, drunk, and frightened, Damon’s face in both of her hands, and told him him that they would survive whatever Klaus through their way . . . together. Now, in “The New Deal,” Damon is returning the favor. His “are you all right?” absolutely echoes Elena’s own words to him, earlier in the episode.
And the way Damon pulls Elena’s shaking body and tear-stricken face toward his own and promises her that he will fix things for her, and her increasingly dysfunctional family says so much about what these two individuals mean to one another, and the way each lifts the other up, when they are feeling particularly weak and vulnerable . . .
(Sidenote: I noticed that, while Elena immediately admitted to giving up Rebekah to Klaus, Damon, though clearly torn about it, kept his alliance with Stefan from Elena. Presumably, Elena still thinks Damon agrees with her about giving up the coffin. I just hope this little white lie doesn’t come back to bite Damon in the butt later, especially considering the AMAZING place these two finally have reached in their relationship . . .)
For your own good . . .
How interesting that both Klaus and Elena “give up” their younger siblings, purportedly for their own good, and to “keep them safe,” but possibly for selfish reasons as well. Klaus shows some surprisingly vulnerability when he de-stakes Rebekah in the house he has built in order to reunite with his family. He watches her hand twitch back to life with excitement and anticipation.
But then he remembers Elena’s words. I think Klaus re-stakes Rebekah, because he doesn’t want to face the way she will look at him, now that she knows he has killed their mother. He fears her disappointment . . . her accusations . . . and her judgments. So, while, I’m sure a part of him keeps Rebekah daggered to “protect” her from those who would use her against him, a larger part of him does it to protect himself . . .
Back at the Gilbert house, Damon finds Jeremy in Elena’s bedroom and tells him that his sister thinks it’s time the two of them had another one of their talks. He’s surprisingly paternal about it, just as he was the first time Damon compelled Jeremy, in order to make him forget the circumstances surrounding Vicki’s death. Damon’s compulsion here has the same effect, more or less. It takes away Jeremy’s pain, and leads him to Denver for a new life . . . one that is free from supernatural threats . . . one that will most likely not require him to chop off some hybrid’s head to save his family.
But Damon also takes away Jeremy’s natural concern for the well-being of his sister, and that troubled me a bit. Aside from my not wanting to see the character go, I’m just not sure how long compulsion like that could stick. How many times will Jeremy brush off inquiries about his family back home, before he starts to wonder himself, whether something is missing from his life? Perhaps, this was done on purpose to allow Steven R. McQueen to return to the show at a later date . . .
I hope so, because I feel like this story is not over. By having Damon compel Jeremy, she kept him safe, but she also removed his free will, and treated him like a child. She did the exact same thing she criticized Damon for doing to her, when he force fed her his own blood, back in “The Last Day.” Of course, she did it out of love . . . but I think she also did it to help herself feel a sense of control in the crazy world in which she was living, and to free herself from guilt . . .
And it’s this familial “guilt” that plays a big role in this episode’s epic finale . . .
These lips were made for Ambush Kissing . . .
Back at the end of Season 1, there was a kiss that took place on the Gilbert Porch. It preceded a speech, in which Damon thanked a person he “thought” was Elena, for making him into a better person, and for seeing him as someone who was worth saving. And though that person actually ended up being “Katherine,” staunch Delena fans adopted the scene was one of their own, hoping upon hope that it would be revisited, one day . . . and that, this time, it would be REAL . . .
Two years later, we got our wish, but with some crucial differences. This time, it’s Elena who’s thanking Damon for being there for her . . . for seeing her as someone who is worth saving . . . for making her feel like a better person, even when she’s making morally ambiguous decisions.
Elena, who wasn’t actually on the porch that last time, doesn’t see the parallel between this scene, and the last one. But Damon does. And it’s Elena’s thankfulness that Damon is alive, that reminds him of how Elena was the person who kept him alive on Founder’s Day, but Stefan kept him alive during “Homecoming,” This makes Damon feel guilty enough to admit to Elena that Stefan hasn’t totally turned off his emotions, and that his continued vitality is at least somewhat responsible for the danger in which all of them are currently enmeshed.
This expression of guilt causes Elena to wonder, once again, whether Stefan is really lost forever. However, it causes Damon to feel guilt about something else, entirely, his love for Elena. But this time, Damon isn’t going to relive the unrequited heartache of “Rose.” He’s not going to be “selfless” by compelling Elena to forget his kiss . . . his love for her. Rather, he’s going to own up to the strong feelings he’s felt for this woman for two years now . . . feelings he’s finally starting to see, might be returned.
Damon’s kiss in “Founder’s Day,” was sweet and tentative. His kiss here is intense, decisive, passionate, and filled with two years worth of pent-up emotion. More importantly, Elena kisses him back! Watch as she grabs the hand he has cupped on her cheek, in order to pull Damon closer, and prolong this beautiful and delicious moment between them . . .
Now, while I would have loved for Elena to have been the one to pull Damon into a kiss, the first time he walked off that porch, in some ways, this was more meaningful, given Damon’s history of always giving up Elena for the greater good. His manning up to his love for her, will hopefully give her the swift kick in the ass she needs to make the next move.
The song that’s playing during this scene is called “Holding on and Letting Go,” by Ross Cooperman. While Damon and Elena are kissing the lyrics talk about one door swinging closed, and another door swinging open. Now, of course, this could refer to any number of things that happened throughout the episode: Alaric’s growing mortality, Tyler’s realization of Klaus’ hold on him, Klaus’ re-staking of Rebekah, Jeremy’s departure, Damon’s and Stefan’s truce . . . but personally, I’m hoping it refers to the state of Elena’s heart . . .
On that note, check out the extended promo for next week’s episode entitled “Our Town” . . . (bad segway, I know) . . .
As for our friends in Canada, I’m actually a bit less impressed with the Canadian promo, this time around. Aside from that “car scene,” which the CW had already released, there isn’t much here, that we didn’t see in the promo above. Nevertheless, here you go . . .
Now, it’s your turn. Let me know what you thought about Jeremy’s departure, the Delena kiss, Tyler’s betrayal, Crazy Nanny Carrie’s arrival, Ripper Stefan 8.0, and anything else related to this fabulous show that I feel so lucky to have gracing my television screen, each week. Until next time, Fangbangers . . .
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