Greetings, Fangbangers! In addition to my being away from home these past couple of days . . .
. . . another lame excuse valid reason for this recap being MASSIVELY late is that, honestly, I wasn’t quite sure what tone to strike with this review. I mean, normally, for an episode where a character dies, but everyone proceeds to “hang out” with him for the entire hour, as if he’s still alive, I’d make a few inappropriate Weekend at Bernie’s jokes, and call it a day . .
But this is Jeremy Gilbert, we are talking about! My JerBear! One of the last few, proud, representatives of Team Human!
Well . . . at least . . . he WAS human . . .
JerBear was the heart and soul of this show . . . its Moral Compass . . .
. . . well, except for that time when he did all those drugs . . . and chopped that guy’s head off . . . and murdered that Really Nice Hybrid . . . and indirectly killed 12,000 vampires . . . and tried to murder his sister.
But other than that . . . TOTAL Moral Compass!
And though this episode was spectacular in terms of its powerfully written scenes, and the stellar acting performances of everyone involved (most notably Nina Dobrev, Ian Somerhalder, Zach Roerig, and Candice Accola), as a Goodbye Episode for our JerBear, a character whose been there since Day One. . . well . . . I mean . . . he literally just laid there and stunk up the joint.
So, I decided that, before I begin my recap proper (which I will do, in Part 2), it would only be right to include a REAL tribute to the one, the only, Mini Gilbert, the TVD Scooby Gang’s very own Scrappy Doo . . .
Jeremy Gilbert was a character with humble beginnings. Back in Season 1, he was the “tortured artist” . . . the bratty emo loner kid / erstwhile pothead who abuses drugs, and gets swept up in the “Bad Crowd” just to please a girl . . .
I think even Steven R. McQueen himself, would admit that JerBear began the show as a bit of a cliche . . . And yet, McQueen somehow managed to give this paint-by-numbers character a certain amount of gravitas that it wouldn’t have had in the hands of a lesser actor.
Things got a bit more interesting for TVD’s youngest cast member, as the season wore on. Of course, no one could forget his hatred / thinly veiled homoerotic tension with then-Alpha Male Douchebag, Tyler Lockwood . . .
But I think the real defining moment for Jeremy Gilbert came when his character got embroiled in a surprisingly sweet, and almost innocent (but not quite, because those two f*&ked like bunnies) relationship with the mysterious and alluring, but refreshingly geeky, Vampire Anna . . .
Already an orphan, and having lost his first two loves, Vicki and Anna, to vampire related death, in the course of a single season, JerBear’s life was pretty much in the sh*tter through most of season 2.
And the poor guy inadvertently made a career of getting his ass kicked, and/or getting killed / revived (thanks to a supernatural ring, and a witchy pal) just about every other episode.
Then, came the deaths of literally every guardian figure he ever knew . . .
Did I mention how the writers randomly decided to turn him into The Kid from The Sixth Sense, around Season 3?
It would be enough to make even the strongest of teenagers, curl up in a ball and never come out of bed. But through it all, Jeremy was surprisingly resilient.
Rather than turning him inward, Jeremy’s losses helped open him up to some pretty awesome bromances with Alaric Saltzman . . .
We’ll just conveniently forget about that snoozer of a relationship he had with Bonnie Bennett . . . you know the one where he chose to date a CORPSE over her, because that was more exciting for him . . . and us . . .
And through it all, Little Brother Jeremy was fiercely loyal to and protective of his sister . . . at least when he wasn’t trying to stake her newfound vampire ass . . .
And this season? With this whole Vampire Hunter thing? It really did seem like Jeremy Gilbert was destined for big things . . . and no, I’m not just talking about his INSANE pectoral muscles . . . thank you, for those, by the way, Mr. McQueen . . .
He also got to flex his acting muscles, as a supernatural being, conflicted by his love for his sister, and his overwhelming instinctual desire to destroy her . . .
Deeper exposition of The Boy Named Jeremy Gilbert finally seemed inevitable . . .
But alas, it was not to be . . . Damn you, Katherine Pierce . . .
. . . and FRIGGIN SILAS!
Goodbye, JerBear! You may be gone, and your rotted stinky body may have been burnt to a crisp by your now feelings-free sister, but you will never be forgotten . . . unless we’re compelled by vampires to forget you . . . or we just smoke too much pot . . .
Onward to the recap! Coming (relatively) soon to a blog near you . . .
“I think we can work this out, kids! YOU don’t tell the police about the murder weapon buried in our backyard. And I won’t tell Mom that everytime you two SAY you are ‘playing Scrabble’ in Spencer’s bedroom, you are really having loud, raucous sex.”
Hello, my Pretties! If we’ve learned one thing on Pretty Little Liars it’s that episodes featuring shirtless guys will inevitably be better than episodes without them nothing stays buried forever. In fact, in Rosewood, it seems that the deeper you bury your darkest secret, the more likely it is to rise to the surface, and bite you in the bum. So, hold on to your hockey sticks, folks; and put your pimped out, illegal cell phones on vibrate, because it’s time to start the recap . . .
Would you like “A” candy?
(I’m guessing the little pig stuffed animal was intended for Poor Hanna. Any guesses as to what the other animal is, and what it has to do with Emily?)
The episode begins with the girls gathered in Hanna’s household. And guess what they are doing? SURPRISE! They are recapping the last episode for you! How annoying . . . I mean, seriously, isn’t this what the “Previously On Pretty Little Liars” segment of the show is supposed to do? helpful and considerate of them.
The foursome gossips about A’s recent dastardly derailment of A’s fashion show tribute. They also continue to conjecture that “A” might be torturing them, not just for the fun of it, but because he or she killed Ali, and wants to ensure the girls’ silence, if and when the killer’s identity is revealed. I don’t know. If I killed someone, and didn’t want certain people to find out about it, I probably wouldn’t be SENDING THEM MESSAGES EVERYDAY! But, hey, that’s just me . . .
Also, this week, we learn that Emily and Hanna are not only sharing the same HOUSE, until school lets out for the summer, they are also apparently sharing the same BEDROOM.
When asked about this, the girls slough it off with lame (not to mention, highly convenient) excuses about “burst pipes,” but we all know the REAL reason they are sleeping together, don’t we? *hint, hint, wink, wink* Let the onslaught of Hanna / Emily slash fanfiction begin!
Unfortunately, this Pretty Little Lovefest is interrupted by a knock on the door. Hanna answers. And lo and behold! It’s a Special Delivery from “A” SHOCKER! Here’s what the note on the card says . . .
Sometimes, I feel like “A” needs to get a life of her (his?) own, and stop stalking the girls like it’s his or her job. But, hey, if she (or he) did that, we probably wouldn’t have a show, now would we?
Study Buddies and Shady Dealings
EMILY: “Umm . . . Hanna, I don’t think we should be watching your parents having sex.”
HANNA: “Why not? This will give me so much more to talk about, during therapy!”
As two only children, Hanna and Emily aren’t exactly people who are used to sharing a space. So, of course, it doesn’t take long at all for the new roomies to start getting on one another’s nerves. First Brown Noser Emily has to go and make Hanna look like a sucky daughter / lazy person, by cooking the family a fancy schmancy omelette breakfast, and not-so-casually remarking that she did it after heading out for her “morning run.”
“I’m so glad you enjoyed the omelette, Ms. Marin. You can find the recipe for it at I’mBetterThanHanna.Com”
As someone who is not at all a morning person, myself, I can certainly relate to Hanna’s jealousy / frustration. Oh, you should also know that Emily is clutching her back, and rubbing her neck throughout most of this episode. Under normal circumstances we would say this is simply because she probably slept funny the night before. However, on PLL, this is what we call “foreshadowing” . . .
While walking into school, Hanna overhears her new boyfriend on the phone with some dude who didn’t pay Caleb for “pimping out his phone.” To be honest, I’m not exactly sure what that means. Did he make it so that the perv could call 1-900 sex number, for free? Did he get the guy tons of free iPhone apps, you’d normally have to pay for? Did he bedazzle it with lots of red glitter and heart stickers? Well, whatever he did, DUDE didn’t pay. And Caleb is PISSED!
“I’m PISSED!”
The problem, of course, is that you can’t really sue someone for not paying you to help them break the law. So, Caleb will probably have to resort to other means of collecting payment . . . like putting a horse’s head in the deadbeat’s bed, or putting hair removal bleach in his shampoo, or forcing him to listen to Blind Jenna play the flute, for hours on end . . .
I get the chills just thinking about it . . .
Hanna is a bit concerned about Caleb’s “underground business,” because it makes her feel like in, 15 years, Caleb will be in jail, and she will be a reality star on Mob Wives: Rosewood Edition. However, she wants to make sure she’s still seen as “the cool girlfriend,” so she doesn’t say much. Besides, it could be worse! He could be getting paid by someone to steal her virginity in a tent. Oh, wait . . . he already did that . . .
Did I mention some dude is stalking Caleb with his car, outside the school? Note to Caleb: Next time you “pimp out” a phone, you might want to make it double as a gun. Because, something tells me you’re going to need it . . .
Back at home, Emily is trying to study, and rubbing her neck some more (See? FORESHADOWING!). However, she’s finding it incredibly difficult to concentrate, with Hanna SINGING AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS . . .
(Note: This is actually the second time in two weeks, that Hanna’s been shown bopping out to a song on her iPod, and it sounded so much fun that I wanted to download it onto MY iPod, immediately after watching. This song was called “Smash It” by Zowie. YAY, for product placement!)
(WARNING: Flying Mr. Bear is a trained professional in the art of Guerilla Warfare on Hanna Singing. DO NOT try this at home . . .)
Having completely given up on doing her homework, Emily decides to go all Dr. Phil on Hanna, by asking her how dating a crook “makes her feel.” In response, Hanna does the teenage equivalent of putting her fingers in her ear an going “Na-na, na-na, na-nah! I can’t HEAR YOU!” In other words, he puts her iPod headphones back on . . .
The next night, Emily decides to go to the library to study, which Hanna thinks is ridiculous, because . . . you know . . . libraries . . . EW! Hanna prefers to study in the mall, and buy “study,” I mean “shoplift.”
These were probably my favorite two lines of dialogue in the entire episode. And the FACE Hanna makes when she asks about the “Gay Thing” is priceless!
For about two seconds, Hanna seems hurt by Emily’s decision to leave her for those smelly old books. But then Caleb stops by, and it’s like, “Emily who?”
“Is that a bedazzled cell phone in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”
Caleb REALLY DOES seem to want Hanna to be the Carmella Soprano to his Tony. So, once again, he starts making phone calls for his illegal enterprise in Hanna’s room, when he should be doing something more productive with his time, like, oh . . . I don’t know . . . having wild and crazy sex homework? Hanna, who is already practicing to be the perfect housewife in training, plays the classic Wifey Trick on her new boyfriend. “I’m not judging you for what you do, I’m just. . . concerned,” Hanna says, in a way that makes it SO OBVIOUS that she is TOTALLY judging him.
“I REALLY, REALLY want to talk about it. PLEASE, PLEASE ASK ME I don’t want to talk about it.”
An annoyed Caleb claims he “doesn’t want to talk about it,” which is obviously Total B.S., since he INSISTS on flaunting his “phone business” in front of Hanna, pretty much any chance he gets. So, she subtly threatens Caleb, that if he DOESN’T talk about his crimes, she will be forced to extol for him the many virtues of HAIR WEAVES . . .
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the most ‘unbe-weave-able’ one of all?”
Like a Prisoner of War faced with having his private parts placed in a vice grip, Caleb starts telling Hanna ALL ABOUT the Car Stealing Gang he used to run with. Eventually, these guys became too intense for him, and he bailed. So, in other words, Hanna should be happy that his only crime now is helping teens get free porn on their iPods, because it could be SO much worse. Hanna reluctantly agrees, because, as she tells Emily later. She’s just SOOOO happy, he came back for her, after the whole “Male Prostitute Fiasco.”
“That Caleb . . . he’s such a stand-up guy . . . someone who was willing to give up the opportunity to have PAID sex with me, in order to have FREE sex with me. *sigh* My hero!”
Of course, the problem is that the dude watching Caleb and Hanna chatting outside the school is SO OBVIOUSLY part of the gang Caleb abandoned. My advice to Hanna: Enjoy Caleb’s flawless face while it lasts, because if I know anything about gangs, someone’s about to break that pretty mug into about a million pieces . . .
Oh, did I mention that Hanna and Emily got to watch Hanna’s drunk parents fondle one another on the staircase? Well . . . now I have!
Remember when Mama Marin did this to Deputy Douchey in the Pilot Episode? Sounds like Girlfriend needs to learn a little lesson in “impulse control.” They call it “GET A ROOM” for a reason, Ashley!”
Meanwhile, in Arialand . . .
Two is Company, Three is Sexy, Four is a STEAL . . .
Poor Aria! It must be so hard to have two insanely gorgeous men in your living room, hitting on you, at the EXACT SAME TIME!
Good NEWS! Aria’s Parents are having a “Aren’t You Glad We’re Still Together, Even Though Byron was Caught Screwing his Student not too Long Ago” Get Together at the house! And guess who’s invited? THIS GUY!
But that’s not all! Aria’s parents are also inviting THIS GUY . . .
Unfortunately, it’s not a “Clothing Optional” kind of party . . .
By the way, I love how, aside from Aria’s two boyfriends, and the one random couple with the baby, Mama and Papa Montgomery seemingly didn’t have any other people to invite to their little clambake. I mean, that’s strange right? Mama Montgomery invited Facelift Jason, because she felt bad about what happened to his Mom at his fashion show, but, apparently, not bad enough to ACTUALLY invite his Mom.
“Hey, don’t look at me. I’m just as high confused as you are.”
Papa Montgomery invited Fitzy, because he felt like Fitzy didn’t have any other teacher friends at Hollis. And yet, apparently, Papa Montgomery doesn’t have any “teacher friends” at Hollis either except for the former student he banged, because Fitzy is the only faculty member he ended up inviting. Heck, the Montgomery’s couldn’t even get their OWN son to come to their party . . .
Hey! Look! Mike stole that off of somebody’s car! Maybe he’s part of Caleb’s old Gang!
You know, if you think about it, half the people at the Montgomery were only there for a chance to enter Aria’s panties . . . To say otherwise, would be like saying that people watch PORN for the cinemotography . . . I’ll admit, I laughed quite a bit, when Mama Montgomery noted that Aria should “get used to calling Fitzy, Ezra.” Ha! At this point in their relationship, “Ezra” is probably the TAMEST of the nicknames she has for him.
So, remember a few weeks back, when Aria got super pissed at Fitzy for not wanting to give her hug in front of her parents at Ian’s funeral. Well, it seems that this week the tables have turned. When an incredibly nervous Aria begs Fitzy not to show up at her family dinner party, Fitzy surprises her, by INSISTING that he genuinely wants to attend.
Fitzy’s argument in favor of his own attendance? Aria wants the two of them to “come out” as a couple. This seems like the most expedient, and least painful, way to begin doing that . . .
Intially, Aria remains skeptical. But then Fitzy plants a Big Fat Wet One on her . . .
And she loses the capacity to remember her OWN name, let alone disagree with anything Fitzy has said!
Ezra arrives at the Montgomery house first, bearing gifts of flowers and top shelf Scotch, which he pretends to enjoy for alchy Papa’s benefit, even though he once told Aria, the stuff tastes like diet cola and iodine. (Really, Fitzy? You’ve tasted IODINE before? Why? Did you think it would give you superpowers?)
“Great Bottle, Fitzy! I just wish it wasn’t so small, so I’d have enough liquor leftover for breakfast tomorrow too!”
Aria is just SO PROUD of her boyfriend’s mad “Kiss the Parents’ Asses,” moves. In fact, she’s just about to take Fity into her bedroom, and have her way with him when THIS GUY appears on her doorstep . . .
“Well, hello Aria’s panties . . . er . . . I mean Aria. It’s great to see you again!”
“Who the f*&k is this douche (and how does he get his hair to be so fluffy)?”
As you might expect Fitzy and Facelift Jason enter into a bit of a classic pissing contest to determine who’s “more manly” for Aria to date. Bike riding stats are exchanged . . .
Go, Speedracer, GO!
But, of course, my favorite part of the whole evening, came when Facelift Jason asked if Fitzy HAD Aria . . .
. . . in his CLASS . . . had her IN HIS CLASS . . .
Yeah . . . I didn’t think that was what he meant, either . . .
Unfortunately, a Cop (not Deputy Douchey) has to come by and interrupt the Facelift Jason and Fitzy comedy hour, to inform Ma and Pa Montgomery that Mike’s been stealing stuff from people again . . . while they are still HOME! (WHAT A MORON!)
“Bad Boys, Bad Boys. Whatcha Gonna Do? Whatcha Gonna Do when they come for YOU!”
Ma and Pa Montgomery rush off to spring their son from the POKEY, leaving Aria to “entertain” her two gentleman callers. I SMELL A THREESOME!
YEAH! A Threesome! Facelift Jason LIKE!
“Thanks, but no thanks! I’d much rather go pout in the corner, and write poetry about my feelings.”
Meanwhile, Mama Montgomery is FINALLY realizing how badly she and Byron are sucking as parents, considering that one of their kids has become a total klepto, and the other one is probably being stalked by a serial killer, and neither of those two had ANY clue about it . . .
“Ohhh . . . so THAT’S what our son looks like! We FORGOT!”
In an earlier conversation between Mama Montgomery and Mama Marin, we learn that these two are actually pretty close though not close enough for her to be invited to the DINNER PARTY, and that Emily’s Mom is a part of their social circle. But Papa Hastings TOTALLY has cooties!
In this scene, we learn that PAPA Hastings was the guy behind all the girls seeing a therapist, as well as the RIDICULOUSLY BAD (not to mention, ineffective) decision to separate the PLL girls. (I love how all the moms’ on this show seem pretty cool, but all the dad’s . . . with the exception of Emily’s . . . seem TOTALLY evil.)
Fitzy earns some major points for offering to help Aria clean up after the party . . .
There is nothing sexier, than a man who knows his way around a dishwasher . . .
But then, he sort of loses some points, by jealously interrogating Aria about Facelift Jason . . .
Speaking of Facelift Jason, he has the advantage of knowing what’s going on with Klepto Mike. So, he uses it to his advantage, by playing the “Sensitive Guy,” and comforting Aria about the sudden emergence of her brother’s DARK SIDE . . .
“You seem tense, Aria! Take off your clothes, and I will give you a massage.”
Facelift Jason suggests that Aria find out how serious Mike’s stealing problem IS, so that she can better assess her next move. Within minutes, Aria has found Mike’s MASSIVE THIEF STASH RIGHT IN HIS ROOM. Geez! His parents really had to be blind to miss this! Speaking of blind . . .
Aria is PISSED AS HELL that Klepto Mike would have the gall to steal from a Brother F*&king BLIND CHICK!
Look familiar?
She then abruptly, and unceremoniously, throws her two male suitors out of her household, so that she can rip Klepto Mike a new butthole, when he comes home.
“Was it something I said?”
Upon being confronted by Aria, Klepto Mike insists that he didn’t steal that ugly piece of crap bowl from Blind Jenna’s house. Rather, he took it from Policeboy Garrett’s HOUSE! (By the way, did I hear Klepto Mike correctly, is Garrett’s name really, “Officer McFriendly?” Talk about a wimpy, non-intimidating, name for a cop. They might as well call the guy Mr. Happy Pants!)
Realizing that Policeboy is in the bed cahoots with Blind Jenna, Aria rushes to text Spencer that he can’t be trusted.
But is it already TOO LATE?
Don’t Be Such a Stick in the Mud, Spencer’s Dad!
“DAD! You’re not holding it right! Geez! Does ANYBODY know how to play field hockey on this show besides me (and Dead Creepy Pedo Ian, of course)?
For someone who was once a suspected killer, Abs Toby is quickly becoming the most POPULAR carpenter / landscape architect in town . . .
“Hey, Abs Toby! Why so many clothes? Don’t you like us anymore?”
Just a few weeks back, he was hired by Jason to help him build his fence to hide dead bodies . . . a project that Papa Hastings paid to have discontinued because, in his words, “the DiLaurentis’ are always crossing the line . . .”
. . . into his PANTS!
Then, Papa Hastings hired Abs Toby to finish work on his barn, as sort of an “I’m sorry for thinking you were a killer and forbidding you to date my daughter,” thing. In addition to being a super carpenter, excellent Scrabble player, solid mystery solver, awesome landscaper, fabulous ABS-haver, and remarkable kisser, Toby is apparently also a GREAT ARCHITECT. And the plans he drew up for Papa Hastings’ barn filled Daddy-o with hope that at LEAST one of his children could potentially marry someone who will be rich AND not a psychopath. It’s win / win!
But all that good feeling and mutual respect is put in jeopardy, when Toby digs up Crazy Nanny Carrie Melissa’s old hockey stick in the Hastings’ yard.
And Papa Hastings snatches it away so fast you would think it was a text message from Anthony Weiner . . .
“Stop fondling my stick, Abs Toby!”
When Toby tells Spencer about what happened (I love how honest these two are with one another. It’s refreshing . . . almost as refreshing as watching their crazy hot makeout sessions, on a weekly basis.), she immediately recalls that (1) Ali had taken Spencer’s hockey stick to practice using it as a sex toy with Ian;
“Ian’s stick is much smaller than this one . . .”
. . . and (2) Mr. “I Have No Memory of the Night of Ali’s Death” Facelift Jason once almost hit her with it . . .
“Doesn’t this stick match my shirt perfectly? I think I’ll carry it around, and use it as a cane.”
Now, I know this scene was supposed to be all SCARY. But honestly, it looked like your typical brother / sister rivalry to me. I’m sure Facelift Jason is going to end up being the Number One suspect in Ali’s murder, because that’s clearly what the writers are building toward. However, I honestly, don’t think he did it. Nobody that the PLL’s actually suspect ever ends up being the actual killer. That’s just how this show works . . .
“So, Abs Toby. What exactly is your workout regimen? Because I would love a set of pects like yours!”
Papa Hastings creepily confronts poor Tobs, once again, in the middle of the night, this time to tell him not to tell Spencer about the hockey stick. Abs Toby admits that he already HAS told Spencer, but at least has the foresight to lie and say she didn’t seem to care. Then Papa tells the Tobmeister not to tell Spencer about THIS conversation, which, of course, Abs Toby rushes to do, right away! (That’s right Toby! At least SOMEONE knows where his bread is buttered, if you catch my drift.)
“See? I was a good boy, wasn’t I! You are going to REWARD me, aren’t you?”
The first time Spencer meets with Garrett the Policeboy its to inquire about that messenger guy who Policeboy paid off at Blind Jenna’s request up and left town, after trying to collect the blackmail money for Ian’s sex tapes. The girls would like to question him more about the person who sent him, because it sure as heck wasn’t Ian. It was BLIND JENNA!
Hey, Spencer! You know that when guys do that THING with their belts, it means that they’re aroused, right? Just warning you!
Of course, that Lying Creepster of a Policeboy is not only patronizing, but TOTALLY unhelpful, telling Spencer that there is basically no chance in heck that Messenger Boy is returning to town, so she might as well move on with her life. (Obviously, Policeboy is covering for Blind Jenna. I don’t think SHE killed Ali either. But Policeboy might THINK that she did . . .)
Then Spencer arrives home to find her Dad TOSSING THE HOCKEY STICK INTO THE FIRE, thereby destroying the only evidence the girls may have as to Ali’s real killer . . .
Now Papa Hastings may be your typical rich assh*le, who’d rather throw money at his kids than actually engage in conversation with them. He’s also obstructing justice by destroying criminal evidence here. All that being said, I really believe that he is doing this to try to protect his daughters. Papa recognizes that Spencer was ALREADY once suspected of murdering Ali, when the police found that bloody trophy on the premises. Surely, they would suspect her or Melissa again, if this stick ever turned up.
Still, Spencer is devastated by the notion that her father continues to think the worst of her, despite her being the perfect daughter, not to mention SO MUCH better than her miserable excuse for a human being, sister. Fortunately, she has Toby (and his Abs) to comfort her, during this difficult time . . .
He promises to help Spencer try to find out the truth about what really happened to Alison, so that she can finally be at peace, and prove to her family, once and for all, what a bunch of a$$holes they are . . . It’s actually Toby who indirectly gives Spencer the idea to talk to Policeboy Garrett about what was in Ali’s coroner’s report, as that would undoubtedly illustrate the specific manner in which Ali was killed, and possibly even pin down whether the hockey stick was the weapon that killed her. (SOMEONE’S BEEN WATCHING CSI!)
Honestly, how these girls could have gone on trusting this CREEPER for as long as they have is beyond me? How many times have they asked for his help? And how many times has he given them NOTHING AT ALL but more questions, skeevy leers, and admonitions that they musn’t go to any other cops, aside from him. I’m just glad Spencer got Aria’s text, before she had the chance to spill the beans to Policeboy, as to who she thinks killed Ian.
Now, if only SOMEONE would kill the Policeboy (and, Blind Jenna, while they are at it).
Any volunteers?
“Paging Dr. Gloved Hand . . .”
I guess we can now add Mad Scientist to “A’s” already ridiculously long resume of Super Villain Skills . . .
The final scene of the episode, features the elusive Gloved Hand injecting a drug called BD7 (Belledium? Belledonna? Bad Donuts?) into a syringe, as the song “I’ve Got You Under My Skin” plays in the background. (Get it? “Under My Skin” . . . because it’s a syringe? Har de har har).
Based on some of the hints we were given in this episode, in conjunction with the Episode 8 promo, I’d say the person being poisoned is our girl, Emily.
Lay off the sauce, Girlfriend! This is NO JOKE!
You can checkout the MuchMusic promo for next week’s installment of PLL, HERE . . .
SPENCER: Pssst, don’t look now, but there’s a BIG GIANT ALISON HEAD behind us . . .
EMILY: Maybe, if we ignore it, it will go away . . .
Poor “sweet” Alison! Perhaps, if there wasn’t a memorial service for her every two episodes, people would stop trying to sabotage them . . .
Hello, my Pretties! This week on PLL, we got to meet Alison’s Mommy, Samara’s “friend,” and a whole lot of dresses. We also got to see how well our favorite little liars can work the Runway . . .
Ten innocent bottles of hairspray were harmed in the making of this picture. FOR SHAME!
Also this week, no hot men took off their shirts . . .
“Oh the humanity!”
. . . which is why I decided to do THIS for you . . .
You’re welcome!
Wipe the drool off your mouths, girls . . . because it’s time to get this Pretty Little Recap started . . .
“It’s All Fun and Games, Until Someone Hacks Up a Hairball.”
Here’s a Riddle: How many Pretty Little Liars does it take to fold a bunch of fashion show programs?
Answer: Apparently, all of them. (Because folding is . . . like . . . hard . . . or something.)
When the episode begins, the Fabulous Foursome is in Spencer’s room (at least, I think it’s Spencer’s room), preparing for the annual school fashion show / charity event / function where “A” will inevitably torture the girls, and make them wish they were never born. As has become the norm, the girls spend the opening scenes of the episode, helpfully rehashing what happened last week, and trying to figure out who killed Alison. Spencer reminds us, that just because Creepy Pedo Ian didn’t kill Alison on the raunchy sex tape, doesn’t mean he didn’t do it later . . .
You’re not off the hook yet, Buddy! (Poor choice of words?)
Hanna wonders whether “A” isn’t Ali’s actual killer. It’s interesting how, at the beginning of the series, both the girls themselves, and most PLL fans, had always ASSUMED the aforementioned premise to be true. Then, sometime in the middle of the first season, the theory that “A” and Ali’s killer were two DIFFERENT people seemed to become commonly accepted. Now, it seems, with Creepy Pedo Ian dead, the girls, at least, have returned to the first theory.
But, hey, who needs to talk about “boring stuff” like Ali’s killer, when we can talk about EXCITING stuff, like what kind of lip gloss Hanna was wearing when she started cleaning Caleb’s teeth with her tongue, at the end of last week’s episode?
Apparently, she was wearing the sticky kind that tends to get hair stuck to it . . . hair like Caleb’s long luscious locks. Aria (who’s already a little bit pissy, because, not only did Fitzy REFUSE to hug her in public, last week, he also ditched her this week to enter the PLL Lost Significant Other Vortex “attend some lame college conference”) has some choice words to say about that . . .
By the way, I don’t know about you, but, lip gloss or no lipgloss, I’ve never had the experience of hacking up hairballs from making out with guys. Perhaps, Aria just kisses hairier men than I do!
Don’t worry, Fitzy! I wasn’t talking about YOU . . . (See shaved tummy picture above)
Speaking of Aria’s many hairy suitors, she gets a text message from one of them, just shortly after making her hairball comment . . .
OK, here’s another question: How many of you actually include FULL NAMES in your cell phone contacts? I mean, I understand that Jason is a fairly common guy’s name. So, maybe a popular girl like Aria has four or five friends named Jason. But still, wouldn’t “Jason D” be sufficient? Or “Jason Ali’s Bro”? Or, my personal favorite, “Facelift Jason?” Honestly, I’m not even sure a name like “Jason Dilaurentis” would fit in my cell phone contact list! A name like that would probably take up MY ENTIRE SCREEN! But, I digress . . .
Text Message Reply: “Hello, Jason Dilaurentis. Aria Montgomery would very much like to meet you outside in your car, so that we can discuss the fact that you are still a murder suspect, and perhaps, if we are lucky, make out. Don’t worry, I am wearing a special lipgloss that minimizes hairball creation.”
Being sure not to tell the girls who she is meeting (They, of course, assume it’s Fitzy), Aria heads out in the dark of night to rendezvous with Facelift Jason.
Try to forget, for a moment, that he has been eye f*&king her to near-pregnancy in every scene the two of them shared, since he got his new face. Do you want to know why I THINK it’s obvious that Facelift Jason wants a First Class Trip inside the Montgomery Pantalones? Let’s put it this way, he asked to meet her in secret . . . in his expensive car . . . in the middle of the night . . . just to tell her not to tell anybody about something he said to her the day before.
“Don’t worry Facelift Jason, I’m going to keep this between you, me, “A,” and the million or so folks who watch Pretty Little Liars, every week . . .”
Wouldn’t a “Don’t tell your Big Mouth Friends that I think I may have killed my sister, while in the midst of a Drunken Rage Blackout” text message would have sufficed, in this situation?
Anyway, Facelift Jason is relieved that Aria is thankful enough to him for not ratting her bratty brother out as a Dirty Thief, to not rat him out as a Drug Addict / Potential Sister Killer. Everybody WINS! (Well, except Ali of course . . . who’s dead . . . and Creepy Pedo Ian, who’s also dead).
Dads Behaving Badly . . .
Talk about sending a bad message! There are FOUR DADS on this show. And if my theories about Spencer’s papa is correct, the ONLY one of them who has never been unfaithful to his lady love, is the one who’s too busy fighting for his country to have time to do so!
“YAY! I WIN!”
In a scene that’s highly reminiscent of the Aria’s Parents Secretly Start Dating One Another Again storyline (BARF!), Hanna comes home to find her divorced Mommy and Daddy slowly getting eachother wasted with Martinis, and looking at one another, like they want to do it on the counter, right in front of their daughter.
“I’m so glad you guys decided to fork over the money for my therapy. Because I am REALLY going to need a shrink, after seeing this . . .”
Some might argue that Hanna should be happy that her parents are possibly reconciling. And yet, this jaded blonde has been around the block enough times with her Douchey Dad to have developed a healthy dose of skepticism toward his ever-evolving definition of “family.” “What’s for dessert?” She asks her “sperm donor” snidely. “Or are you saving that for your new family?”
Meanwhile, elsewhere in Dysfunctional Family Land, Spencer has just finished probably having super hot sex with Abs Toby . . .
. . . when she overhears her dad loudly arguing with someone on the phone. Specifically, he is telling someone that he or she “clearly doesn’t have control over a certain situation, if Jason is back home.” Cue Spencer Face!
When Spencer asks her dad about the telephone conversation, he acts suspicious enough that it prompts Spencer to dial the last number he called, after he conveniently leaves the phone on the kitchen table.
“Do you like Scary Movies?”
Upon doing that, she quickly learns that the woman her Dad was screaming at was none other than . . . wait for it . . . Ali’s and Jasons’ Mom, Jessica DiLaurentis . . .
BUSTED!
Now, I’m guessing that Spencer’s POP and his Lady Friend were both using landlines to make this call, considering (1) Spencer had to press Redial to solve the mystery, instead of simply looking at the “Dialed Calls” list that is now available on pretty much every cell phone made in the last FIVE YEARS; (2) Dead Ali’s Mom conveniently stated her FULL NAME, upon picking up the phone, which means that she obviously didn’t realize that the call was coming from the Exact Same Person Who Just Called Her Moments Ago.
*sigh* Old People . . . they never learn . . . 😉
Now, to me, it seems pretty obvious that the “Big Secret” Spencer’s Dad and Ali’s Mom are hiding is that they had an affair at some point. And the reason that Spencer’s Dad is so miffed about Jason returning to town is that HE KNOWS ABOUT IT, somehow. Then again, I could be TOTALLY wrong . . .
In other Parental Unit News, Emily’s Mom is getting all weepy about missing Emily’s Dad . . .
*insert blubbering noises here*
So, Emily suggests that she go stay with him in Texas for a while, so the two can have Wild and Crazy Monkey Sex in the army barracks get “reacquainted,” while Emily finishes out the school year in Rosewood.
“WOO HOO! Parties every night at my house! You’re all invited!”
Dressed to Kill (or Be Killed)
The next day, Spencer and Aria are talking about how suspicious Facelift Jason is acting (Actually, Spencer is talking about that. Aria is sticking up for Facelift Jason, like it’s her JOB! Watch out, Fitzy!), when they get a strange e-mail from Alison’s mom, inviting all four of the PLL’s to lunch . . . UH OH!
OK . . . now this may be because I’m a TOTAL NERD, but I had so much fun reading the subject headings for all of Spencer’s FAKE E-MAILS! Someone in the production department probably had a blast coming up with these! Here are some questions I had: (1) Why is Melissa e-mailing Spencer for “lunch” when she (a) hates her now, because of the Ian thing, and (b) is supposedly on vacation? (2) Whose birthday is it, that Spencer is getting them cupcakes? (3) Spencer plays the flute? (4) What the heck is Albacore Design? And why does Spencer keep making and canceling orders from them?
Cue, the most AWKWARD lunch meeting ever . . .
Only the swankiest of restaurants serve their drinks in jars of leaves . . .
Alison’s mom, who’s looking a bit looped, after her fourth Bloody Mary before noon (Hey, I’m sure it’s Happy Hour, SOMEWHERE!), is apparently STILL head of the school board, despite the fact that neither of her children have attended Rosewood Prep in at least a year. (Maudlin much?) She recalls depressingly how much her Dead Daughter loved the Annual Fashion show, and asks the Pretty Little Liars to dedicate a portion of the show to Alison, while each wearing dresses that the SHE picked out, before she was murdered.
“Even in death, I am still making you feel self-conscious, and not-so-subtly criticizing your taste in clothing, MWAH-HAHAHA!”
The girls (rightfully) think this is an ABSOLUTELY AWFUL IDEA. I mean . . . we all remember what happened THE LAST TIME these four made a memorial for Ali, right?
R.I.P. Ugly Ass Memorial Fountain
But still, they have to do it. Because, really, how can you say no to a grieving Mom?
As if the Annual Fashion Show hadn’t become frightening enough, Spencer soon learns that Annoying Mona has stolen the position of Committee Chairperson right out from under her during that whole Under Suspicion for Murdering Ali Fiasco (not to mention completely discarded the programs Spencer spent hours painstakingly FOLDING) . . .
“We thought you were like going to jail, or something,” offers Mona, in a faux sweet voice. “Decisions had to be made. I made them.”
“That’s right, Mona. I’ve never murdered anyone. But keep talking, and that might change real fast.”
I’ve gotta say, Janel Parrish (the actress who plays Mona) is spectacular. The way she portrays this character makes me GENUINELY want to reach into the television and wring her neck, every time she is on screen! Her voice is like nails on a chalkboard to me. Like Spencer, I have no idea why a fun, funny, non-annoying, girl like Hanna would ever willingly spend time with such a slimy toad. Mona is probably the kind of girl who gets spit or worse in her food EVERY SINGLE TIME she eats at a restaurant, if you catch my drift . . .
Mona’s personal “chef”
Fortunately, for Spencer, she has Toby at her side, to prevent her from doing bodily harm to the Evil Mona . . .
Things just went from awkward . . . to annoying . . . to dangerously creepy, in about two minutes flat . . .
Sometimes the Truth Hurts . . .
Peek-a-BOOB!
Apparently, Emily’s new girlfriend has more talents than just the ability to fangirl at swim meets, and successfully lie to parents, she’s also quite the master seamstress! We find Samara at Emily’s house, gleefully fondling the latter’s lady parts, under the guise of fitting her in Alison’s dress for the fashion show . . .
“Ummm . . . Samara? My eyes are UP HERE!”
Between you and me, Samara has always struck me as being a bit insecure about the extent of Emily’s feelings for her. Perhaps, she senses that her new girl Friday seems more than a bit hung up on her former Ex-Loves (and current PLL Vortex Inhabitants) Maya and Little Orphan Bitchy . . .
“LET US OUT! WE’VE BEEN TRAPPED IN HERE FOR MONTHS!”
So, it is not surprising to me that Samara purposefully tries to “test” Emily, by asking if she could bring a “date” with her to the fashion show. Not wanting to seem too possessive over her “friend with benefits,” Emily reluctantly agrees, even managingto offer Samara a polite little smile, upon hearing the request . . . (Threesome, anyone?)
Meanwhile, after hearing from her Mother that memories lost during alcoholic blackouts can be revived with proper coaxing and psychological support (By the way, kudos to Aria’s mom for not-so-subtly copping to taking part in underage drinking, back in the day.) . . .
“To be honest, Aria, I’m still a bit hazy about the night you were conceived. . .”
. . . Shrink Aria meets up with Facelift Jason (who looks so much like Ali, they really could be brother and sister) . . .
. . . to review the pictures of Ali they plan to use in their slideshow tribute to the Dead Girl, during the fashion show . . .
Hey FaceliftJason, how do you expect to see the pictures, if you keep STARING LOVINGLY AT ARIA, while she’s showing them to you?
Things are going well, until Aria starts peppering Facelift Jason with questions about the night of the accident. Once he figures out what she’s trying to do, he gets SUPER defensive, and eventually storms off. I guess SOME memories are better off repressed . . .
“Nice going, ARIA! You just totally blew your opportunity to have sex with me . . . ummm . . . Well . . . actually, I’d still kind of like to have sex with you . . . if you want to have sex with me. Do you? WOULD YOU? Pretty please, with a weiner on top?”
Speaking of Men in Denial, Hanna’s father refuses to cop to the fact that the REAL reason he keeps hanging around the house, is that he wants to get back into Hanna’s mom’s pants . . .
“You want relationship advice, DAD? Did I ever tell you about the time my boyfriend was PAID to seduce me, and took my virginity in a tent outside? Good times!”
Beauty is Painful (and, sometimes, even deadly)
“Gee, thanks a lot A! Now our chances of becoming contestants on America’s Next Top Model are pretty much ruined!”
What started off as a fairly slow, and uneventful episode, definitely picked up the pace, during the climactic annual fashion show, where, in just minutes . . .
. . . Emily met the Mister to her girlfriend, Samara’s “Misses,” and became insanely jealous (which was precisely why Samara brought her along, in the first place). This eventually, prompted Emily and Samara to have “The Talk” about the status of their relationship, and whether they should take it to the “next level.” (Nothing was really decided, however.)
Hanna went for a liquor run, and got an eyefull of her supposedly-separated parents dry-humping on the dance floor, instead . . .
PAPA MARIN: “Let’s make another baby . . . right here . . . while our daughter watches.”
MAMA MARIN: “Oh, Daddy! You always DID know how to sweet talk me . . .”
“Oh, MY EYES! I think I just went blind . . .”
*laughs maniacally* “Mission accomplished!”
Speaking of Hanna, the uninvited Caleb decides to crash the Fashion Show, in order to support her, whether she wants to be supporte or not. (Something tells me, Ashley won’t be the ONLY Marin girl to be getting some nookie tonight . . .)
Spencer spots her Dad fighting with Ali’s Mom again. (Where’s SPENCER’S MOM, anyway? On vacation with Crazy Nanny Carrie Melissa?)
Spencer is also asked by Mona — who is randomly wearing weird librarian glasses — to deliver the Ali Tribute CD to Bushy Eyebrows Noel (a potentially important detail that we will touch upon, in just a bit) . . .
When Spencer hands the CD off to Bushy Eyebrows, he asks her if she wants to watch it first, to make sure it is “OK.” Spencer says “No” . . . a decision she will undoubtedly come to regret later not that it matters, since Bushy and Mona probably would have switched the CDs at the last minute anyway, if they are, in fact, behind all this.
Meanwhile, Jason continues to have visual intercourse with Aria, even though he is supposedly still “mad at her” . . .
It’s important to practice safe eyesex, boys and girls! You never know where else your partner has LOOKED, before you!
The fashion show begins, and our PLL girls strut their stuff, and shake their asses, down the runaway to the cheers and catcalls of a mixture of adoring parents, and potential pedophiles . . .
If The Flintstones was ever made into a porno, I’m pretty sure Betty Rubble would be wearing an outfit like Emily’s . . .
Then the music changes, and it’s time for the Ali Tribute. The girls smile politely, as they walk out together, in the dresses that Ali herself never had the chance to showcase . . .
Cute dresses . . . but I’m not loving the hair choices . . .
Suddenly, the music gets all angry, and death metal-ly. Then, THIS HAPPENS and, it’s really NO SUPRISE AT ALL, CONSIDERING THEY SHOWED THIS PART IN THE MUCHMUSIC PREVIEWS . . .
The whole crowd gasps audibly, as Spencer rushes to turn off the slideshow, and Ali’s mom rushes out of the room in tears . . .
(OK, now I know it’s is probably an inappropriate time to ask this, but who’s the Extra sitting next to Facelift Jason? He’s CUTE! Hey, Buddy, if you are reading this, Call Me!)
Once the chaos has died down, the PLL girls find themselves alone on stage, in entirely different dresses, than the ones they were wearing earlier. (I love that Hanna is wearing the inappropriate Nikki Minaj Concert Dress she wanted to wear to Creepy Pedo Ian’s funeral!) Of course, “A” has one final message she wants to deliver just to them . . .
. . . make that TWO final messages . . .
Given “A’s” passion for fashion, and b*tchy snarkery, not to mention that “my dresses” comment, it is becoming more and more apparent that “A” is a WOMAN (which is not to say that she doesn’t have a male companion by her side to do the “heavy lifting.”) In particular, the final scene of the episode, seems to suggest that the Gloved Hand is manicured underneath the leather (more on that later) . . .
The Aftermath . . .
Understandably, the PLL girls are pretty darn eager to escape the school auditorium, after all that happened to them there. Hanna cuts out with a wide-eyed and clearly smitten Caleb (But where’s LUCAS?) . . .
Meanwhile, Aria is accosted by a sickeningly smug-looking Bushy Eyebrows Noel, who seems WAY TOO PLEASED WITH HIMSELF, when he hands her back the incriminating CD . . .
“Hi, my name is Bushy Eyebrows Noel. I butcher small puppies for fun, and feed them to the hungry furry caterpillars sitting over my eyelids.”
I have to say, I cheered a bit when Facelift Jason intervened, and broke the CD with his barehands. (On the other hand, now we might never know who tampered with the damn thing!)
The pair end up leaving together in his car . . . sound familiar?
Back at home, we get three quick parental moments, in short succession. In the first, Hanna’s dad FINALLY admits to still being in love with Hanna’s mom. And Hanna finally accepts him back into her life . . . (Repeat after me, “AWWWW!)
“So, if your Mom’s room’s a-rockin, don’t come a-knockin”
Emily’s mom decides to go to Texas to see her husband, and, therefore, lets Emily bunk with the Marin’s for the rest of the year. (Because, apparently, the Marin house is the equivalent to the Rosewood Homeless Teen Shelter . . . just ask Caleb!)
(This seemed like kind of a random plot point to me. I’m thinking “Mom” landed a movie role, or TV pilot, or something . . .)
Finally, Spencer’s Dad reluctantly admits to fighting with Ali’s and Jason’s Mom, and warns Spencer to stay away from Facelift Jason so that he can’t tell her about the AFFAIR!.
Remember, how I told you that the last scene seemed to pretty strongly suggest that “A” / Gloved Hand was a woman? Well, it begins with a closeup on an array of open fashion magazines kind of like the ones MONA might have used to create the new Fashion Show program. Now, I don’t mean to be sexist, but how many men DO YOU KNOW that read women’s fashion magazines (Well, aside from the MALE FASHION DESIGNERS, of course)? Gloved Hand then orders a pair of fashionable women’s boots online in Size 5.5. (very small feet!), and delivers them to an as-of-yet unknown address . . .
(By the way, have you ever tried using a laptop, while wearing gloves? It’s IMPOSSIBLE . . . Not to mention, it makes your hands really sweaty.)
So, which PLL girl is about to get a new pair of shoes from “A?” Tune in next week to find out! Until next time, My Pretties!
On the surface, Seth Cohen is not the type of guy a TV fangirl, like me, normally “goes for.” In fact, when I watched the pilot episode for The O.C., I was very ANTI- Seth Cohen! He just seemed so “sweet” and protagonist-y.
This wasn’t a guy who was going to be broody or uncommunicative, like my previous TV boyfriends. He wasn’t going to kick people’s asses for the fun of it . . . or do morally ambigious (read: “sexy”) things on a weekly basis . . . or walk around shirtless, constantly, just because he could. In short, I didn’t think Seth Cohen and I were going to get along, AT ALL . . .
But then, something strange happened. As I continued to watch The O.C., gradually, Seth Cohen began to win me over with his refreshingly uncool ways . . .
He wasn’t like the shallow, superficial high school characters you typically saw on teen dramas, who only seemed interested in who they were dating at the moment, and whether they’d win prom king and queen. Seth was smart and sarcastic, but not in a pompous or self-righteous sort of way. His unique brand of humor was goofy, charming, and self-deprecating.
He was also unapologetically “meta.” This was a Guy On a TV Show who ABSOLUTELY KNEW he was a Guy On a TV Show. And he was loving every minute of it . . .
Given all that, it should be no surprise to you that Seth Cohen ended up being somewhat of a STUD on The O.C. And though he did have his pick of the ladies, throughout the seasons, there was only ONE woman who truly had his heart . . .
That’s right, boys and girls! Seth Cohen was a firm believer in the ever-evaporating concept of Monogamy. (Granted, he did date two girls simultaneously for a good portion of the first season. But we are going to let that one slide, for the moment . . .) Seth Cohen gave the entire Nerd Population hope, when he managed to overcome his social awkwardness, unpopularity, and love of comic books, to win the heart of pretty, popular alpha female, Summer Roberts.
Seth and Summer. Summer and Seth. It just doesn’t get much more adorable than these two brunette cuties . . .
For all the aforementioned reasons (and some others I will share with you in just a bit), on this Memorial Day 2011, I would like to create an Unofficial Memorial to my favorite TV GOOD BOY Boyfriend. This memorial will feature video clips, screencaps, GIFS, and . . . well . . . not much else, because I’m feeling particularly lazy today. (I’m hungover! SUE ME! 🙂 )
What follows are TEN REASONS (in no particular order) why Good Boy Seth Cohen has what it takes to go head-to-head with even the darkest of Bad Boys in the battle for your heart . . .
(1) He is “stealth.”
(2) He’s kind to ALL animals (even the plastic ones).
(10) He will (quite literally) sweep you off your feet.
There you have it: a video and pictoral representation of 10 reasons why Seth Cohen fully deserves TV Boyfriend status, despite being an unrelentingly GOOD BOY. So, thank you, Seth Cohen, for showing us TV watchers that sometimes the LIGHT can be just as sexy as the DARKNESS. That being said . . . TAKE YOUR DAMN SHIRT OFF, ALREADY!
THANK YOU!
(For more shots of Shirtless Seth Cohen, feel free to head HERE!)
See ya in The O.C., Seth. And in the words of Phantom Planet, “California, HERE WE COME!”
In honor of Nina Dobrev’s 22nd birthday, Ian Somerhalder baked her a cake . . .
Unfortunately, for Nina, Vampire Katherine (who shares the same birthday) got to it first . . .
“Mmmmm . . . red velvet blood . . . my favorite flavor!”
22-years ago today, one of the most promising young actors of our generation was born. (Nina Dobrev was born January 9, 1989 in Sofia, Bulgaria, but moved to Canada at age 2.) Roughly 20-years later, Nina won the hearts of two-GORGEOUS vampires, and of millions of fans wide, through her portrayal of both the headstrong and plucky Elena Gilbert . . .
. . . and the devious diabolical (and tons of fun!) Vampire Katherine Pierce . . .
You know, I spend a lot of time on this blog extoling the virtues of the dreamy and delectable Damon Salvatore . . .
. . . and his sensitive, yet sultry, brother Stefan . . .
But where would either of them be without the two women who hold their hearts and their humanity in either hand?
I mean seriously, without Elena and Katherine, who would these boys MAKE OUT WITH?
They’d probably have to resort to lots of Air Kissing . . .
And no one wants that . . .
So, that’s why today, in honor of Nina Dobrev’s birthday, I’ve decided to take a short break from celebrating the oh-so-sexy TVD men, in order to pay homage to the one woman who is literally the Gal Friday to EVERY GUY IN MYSTIC FALLS . . .
Sorry BOYS! It looks like you are just going to have to share . . .
Since most of us already know Nina from The Vampire Diaries, I thought it might be nice, for a change, to take a look back at some of her most noteworthy pre-Elena roles . . .
(Special thanks to YouTube maven sciolist2b, who has BY FAR the most comprehensive and highest quality collection of Nina Dobrev clips on the entire Internet! sciolist, I don’t know you, but I definitely couldn’t have written this post without you!)
Mia Jones – Degrassi
Nina Dobrev’s Season 6 debut on Degrassi: The Next Generation was MY first introduction to the actress. On Degrassi, Nina played Mia Jones, an unwed teen mother, forced to transfer to a rival high school, after her’s burned down. Forget 16 and Pregnant, Mia Jones had her baby, Isabella at age THIRTEEN!
Mamma MIA!
Though no where near as complex and multi-layered as the two characters she plays on The Vampire Diaries, Nina definitely got the opportunity to flex her acting chops here, as a young mother, trying to balance the responsibilities of parenting, with her desire to do typical “teen stuff” like cheerleading, parties, and dating. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a real juicy Mia Jones clip on YouTube for you to enjoy.
However, I did find this on-set footage taken from her first day on the job. And it’s pretty darn adorable. All I have to say is . . . hell hath no fury like a TV baby who WON’T STOP CRYING!
Ally – American Mall
Around the same time that she was starring in Degrassi, Nina also picked up the lead role in the very High School Musical-esque American Mall, an MTV original film about mall employees who sing their feelings . . .
American Mall certainly wasn’t going to win any awards in its time (and I may very well have been the only one who actually watched it when it first aired). However, as cheesy teen musicals go, this one was surprisingly enjoyable. And Nina was extremely likeable as Ally, the girl who worked at her mother’s music store, but would much rather make out with the hot singing janitor her OWN music . . .
Rosabella – Mookie’s Law
Sometimes I wish I was Canadian. Because Canadian Teen Television is just AWESOME! I don’t think there is any country in the world (including the United States) that almost exclusively caters its media products toward the young adult demographic, like Canada does! It seems that every time I flip the channels, I am finding another obscure (but oddly awesome) Canadian teen show, on some obscure U.S. cable channel, and wishing I had access to it when it first aired, back in Toronto, or wherever.
Did I mention that the same 8 young actors (including Nina, of course) seem to be in EVERY SINGLE MOVIE! It’s like one big happy family up there, ay?
Nina Dobrev starred as the lead character’s love interest in Mookie’s Law, a short Canadian film that was written, directed by and starred Al Mukadam, who — if you are a Canadian TV junkie like me — you may remember as Ray from Radio Free Roscoe. Oh, and you can bet that Degrassi star turned Big Time Rapper, Drake, is in this one too . . . (See what I mean?)
Justine – My Daughter’s Secret
You know, people joke all the time about Lifetime movies, and how cliched and lame they tend to be. But a lot of really talented actresses got their start in Lifetime movies, and Nina Dobrev is one of them. In My Daughter’s Secret she plays Justine, a teen who got herself roped into a romance with a VERY BAD BOYFRIEND. (And in Lifetime movies, aren’t they ALL very bad?)
Jessica Carpenter – Too Young to Marry
As far as Lifetime movies go, this one looks kind of fun! (For starters, neither of Nina’s two leading men in it are abusive, or “bad news.” YAY!) In Too Young to Marry, Nina stars as Jessica Carpenter, a girl who married her high school sweetheart, Max, at age 17. However, she begins to doubt the decision she has made, upon experiencing the joys of drunk college makeout sessions. (And who can blame her, when, at least based on the clips, it seems like her “husband” spends half of the movie in bed . . . just sleeping?)
It sucks to be the “Nice Boy” in a Lifetime Movie . . . you get no lines . . . and you never get laid, until the very end.
Interestingly enough, Dillon Casey, who plays Nina’s husband in the movie, also played Vampire Noah, the first bloodsucker who tried to attack Elena on The Vampire Diaries.
But Canadians will remember him better as the often-naked Trevor Lemonde on the hockey-themed soap opera MVP. (He lasted a bit longer on that show, than on TVD . . . in more ways than one ;))
Loren – Never Cry Werewolf
I actually learned about this film when I was writing a recap for TVD’s Bad Moon Rising episode. I came upon the movie poster, almost entirely by accident, during my search for a solid werewolf-themed picture to kick off the recap.
In Never Cry Werewolf, Nina plays Loren, an innocent teen who learns that her next door neighbor is actually a bloodthirsty werewolf, in search of a hot young prepubescent mate, to howl at the moon with . . . Interestingly enough, I read on Wikipedia that the film itself is actually a shot-by-shot remake of a VAMPIRE film from the 1980’s called Fright Night. Only here, the vampire Big Bad Villain was inexplicably substituted for a werewolf one.
Knowing this, as I watching the following scene, where Kevin Sorbo’s werewolf character ties up a scantily clad “Loren” and threatens to turn her into a “monster,” I couldn’t help but imagine how much BETTER the film would be if Damon Salvatore was in it . . .
Sorry, Sorbo! I’m going to have to agree with Damon on this one . . .
Rachel – Hearts of War a.k.a. The Poet
Far from starring only in teen dramas, Nina also gained recognition in feature films as well. In Hearts of War she plays Rachel, a rabbi’s daughter who falls in love with a Nazi soldier during World War II.
Bella – Fugitive Pieces
Going along with a World War II theme, Nina alsoplayed the enigmatic Bella in Fugitive Pieces. Bella was the main character Jakob’s sister in the film. Bella was taken away (and eventually killed), along with the rest of his family, by Nazis during the Second World War. Only Jakob survived the raid. As a result of this tragedy, Bella’s youthful and emphemeral image haunts Jakob throughout his life . . .
Anna – Chloe
Nina Dobrev provided some much needed levity (and pants-lessness) to this dark and twisted thriller about the complex psycho-sexual relationship formed between a married gynecologist (Julianne Moore), and the looney tunes call-girl (Amanda Seyfried) said gynecologist hires to seduce her husband (Liam Neeson). Nina plays Anna, the girlfriend of the main characters’ son in the film.
While she’s certainly nice to look at, “Anna” doesn’t exactly seem like the sharpest tool in the shed. Check out Anna’s reaction when Julianne Moore’s character learns the young woman has spent the night in her son’s bed . . .
Goth Girl – Away from Her
Of all the Nina clips I’ve shown you today, this one, from the Academy Award nominated film Away from Her is probably my favorite. It features Nina in a way we’ve never quite seen her before. Goth Girl is a person who most of Nina’s other characters probably wouldn’t have anything to do with . . . well, except for maybe Vampire Katherine . . .
Something tells me these two would have A LOT of fun together . . .
Speaking of Vampire Katherine, I thought I’d end this tribute post with a fun little scene from The Vampire Diaries, in which Elena and Katherine come face to face with one another for the first time. The scene is from an episode entitled “Memory Lane” from Season 2. Enjoy!
Happy Birthday, Nina Dobrev! Here’s hoping your 22nd year provides you with as much fun and entertainment as your first 21 have given us!
Not only does Matt Damon star in my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE YOUTUBE VIDEO OF ALL TIME . . .
. . . he’s also one of the most versatile actors out there! The guy’s played everything from a prejudiced high school D-Bag, to a sociopath, to a certified genius, to a kick ass fighting machine, to an Angel of Death, to THIS GUY . . .
And let’s not forget his Oscar-worthy performance as a “differently-abled” puppet in the “riveting” Team America: World Police.
(OK . . . that wasn’t really him. But it was pretty darn amusing, nonetheless . . .)
Let’s take a look at his BODY of work, shall we?
School Ties (1992)
Although his first official role was in the 1988 coming of age tale Mystic Pizza, starring a young Julia Roberts (His SOLE job in the film was to say “MOM, do you want my green stuff?” while eating a lobster), Matt Damon wasn’t truly able to demonstrate his acting chops until four years later. In 1992, he was cast as the conniving, weasely, generally D-baggy, prejudiced preppy cheater, Charlie Dillon, opposite Brendan Fraser in the film School Ties. The film was about a Jewish boy (Fraser) who enrolled in a stuffy Catholic New England prep school on a football scholarship. And while we all HATED Charlie for the senseless torture he inflicted on Fraser’s character, we grudgingly had to admit that the dude looked pretty damn fine without his shirt on . . .
Courage Under Fire (1996)
The only movie poster in this tribute that doesn’t ACTUALLY feature Matt Damon on it. Damn you, Poopyhead Movie Poster Maker!
Damon lost 40 POUNDS (almost an entire Olsen twin!) for his role as the opiate-addicted Gulf War soldier, Specialist Ilario. The transition between his buff bod in School Ties and his frighteningly thin physique in this film was truly shocking.
Watching this, I was truly conflicted. I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to give Damon an Oscar for his heartwrenching performance, or buy him a pizza . . .
Good Will Hunting (1997)
My absolute FAVORITE Matt Damon performance remains his dramatic turn as the titular Will Hunting, a Bostonian custodian working at Harvard, who just so happens to be a genius. Matt’s take on Hunting was at times hilarious (“You like apples? I got her number! How do ya like them apples?) . . .
. . . and, at other times, poignant. I cried like a baby during some of those Robin Williams therapy scenes. (And it wasn’t just because William’s insanely hairy arms freaked me out, which they DO, by the way). But what impressed me most about this film, was that Matt Damon not only starred in it, he also wrote the screenplay (which went on to win an Oscar), along with BFF Ben Affleck. The screenplay was based on a short story Damon had penned while he was a student at Harvard.
Hot AND Smart (Me Likey!)
And while I am QUITE certain Matt Damon was shirtless at some point during Good Will Hunting (him and Minnie Driver got it on quite a bit in that film), a picture of said shirtlessness, doesn’t seem to appear in Google Images. Grrrr . . .
The Rainmaker (1997)
That same year, Damon starred, alongside the diminutive, but always adorable, Danny Devito, in the film adaptation of a popular Grisham novel, about an idealistic young lawyer who took on a big bad corporation and won. (Wait. Isn’t that what every Grisham novel is about?) Lack of originality aside, The Rainmaker, thanks largely to Damon’s inherent likeability, was actually a pretty good film. But it would have been MUCH better, if Damon’s character didn’t stay dressed THE WHOLE TIME!
Rounders (1998)
In Rounders, Damon and Ed Norton played two hardcore gamblers, addicted to the seductive world of underground poker. (The film just so happened to be made a year prior to Norton’s SPECTACULAR performance in Primal Fear. If you haven’t seen it yet, rent it NOW!) Again, I DISTINCTLY remember some naked Matt Damon scenes in this film. And AGAIN, my internet search came up empty. What’s the deal, Google Images?
Saving Private Ryan (1998)
That same year, Damon played the titular Private Ryan, a World War II soldier, who THE ENTIRE CAST spent THE ENTIRE FILM trying to save. Wouldn’t you?
Honestly, I’m not even going to bitch about the lack of skin in this film. Because, even a Shirtless Connoisseur like myself can agree that the battlefield is no place for public nudity. Except, of course, if it’s the Battlefield of LOVE!
The Talented Mr. Ripley
In this psychological thriller, Damon once again plays the titular character, a young sociopath con artist who becomes obsessed with inhabiting the life of Jude Law’s character, Dickie Greenleaf (now THAT is a porn name, if I ever heard one). And you know what? Matt is shirtless in this film A LOT! But to be honest, things start out a bit . . . unimpressive.
Banana Hammock, anyone?
Fortunately for us (but unfortunately for Dickie, who Damon’s character promptly murders), as Mr. Ripley becomes further and further enmeshed in Greenleaf’s life, his “body of work” vastly improves . . .
Ahhhh, much better!
Dogma (1999)
In Kevin Smith’s dark comedy, Dogma, Matt played Loki, and Angel of Death eager to get back in the good graces of the Man Upstairs, after having literally fallen from Heaven. At first, the pop culture spewing character was kind of likeable, and then he wasn’t (dude just kept killing people), and then he sort of was again, and then Ben Affleck’s character killed him. Truthfully, there wasn’t a lot of skin in Dogma (Matt Damon’s skin, anyway). However, he did show fans a lot of wing! (And that’s gotta count for something.)
Oceans Eleven (2001) [and 12 . . . and 13 . . .]
Damon held his own as a professional pickpocket in this casino heist caper that will always go down in history for me as having the HOTTEST MALE cast of all time!
Knowing a cash cow when they saw one, the producers of Oceans Eleven (which was a pretty awesome film, by the way), got this group of eyecandy back together for not one, but TWO more sequels! (It’s just too bad, I have to watch both of them on mute, becausetheir scripts were AWFUL!) And again, Matt Damon . . . fully clothed the whole time. WHY?
The Bourne Identity (2002) [and The Bourne Supremacy, AND The Bourne Ultimatum]
To many, Matt Damon initially seemed an unlikely choice to play Jason Bourne — a fictional character from the Robert Ludlum book series, about a man programmed by (the government?) to be a ruthless killing machine. But those “many” were proved wrong, in 2002, when The Bourne Identity hit theaters. Damon’s Bourne was the ultimate action hero! Unlike his other, typically verbose, characters, Bourne was the strong and silent type. He kicked ass first, and took names later! Like Oceans, the Bourne franchise continued with TWO sequels, with another rumored to be on the way.
With those tight black shirts, and tight pants, Matt Damon proved that sometimes WEARING the right clothes can be sexier than wearing none at all. (Rarely, but it happens . . .)
The Departed (2006)
For my final Matt Damon selection of the evening, I chose the fantastic and modern Scorcese mob flick, The Departed, which, like many of Damon’s other films, featured an all-star cast, including the likes of Jack Nicholson and Leonardo DiCaprio. Like his role in School Ties, Damon’s character in this film was kind of weasely and D-baggy. As Colin Sullivan, Damon played a Mob Golden Boy working undercover as a mole within the Massachusetts State Police Department. If any other actor played the role, Sullivan would have undoubtedly been so unlikeable, as to be nearly unwatchable. However, Damon lent a vulnerability to the role, that made audiences, if not root for the character, at least sympathize with him somewhat. (AGAIN! GOOGLE! WHERE ARE MY NUDIE PICS?)
Disappointed that I haven’t provided you with more shirtless pics of Matt Damon? As a consulation prize, I leave you with this clip of Matt Damon impersonating Matthew McConaughey TALKING about being shirtless. (McConaughey, now THERE’S a man who could never be accused of wearing too much clothes. I didn’t even have to TYPE “shirtless” next to his name in Google Images, for half the pictures to come out all nudie!)
Let's Go Shopping!
Buy Comeuppance!
Buy Hollywood Warlock!
Buy InGENEious!
Buy Life Sucks, Death Bites!
Buy Me and You, Inc.!
Snarky Goes to Hollywood!
The Exquisite Corpse
TV Recappers Anonymous 