Well, Wolfbangers, after what seems like 15 years (but was actually only four), Scott McCall and his rag tag gang of werewolves, banshees, kitsunes and Stiles but not Allison, or Isaac, or Boyd, or Danny, or Ethan, or Aiden, or Derek, or Erica, or Cora, or Jackson have finally made it to their much- awaited senior year. It’s a time for rituals, parties, prom, and graduation. But because this is Beacon Hills, it is, apparently, also a time for Wuzzles . . .
For those of you who are unfamiliar, the Wuzzles were basically children’s introduction into how creepy the wacky world of genetic engineering can be. Hailing from the Land of Wuz, the Wuzzles were crazy hybrids of two distinct members of the animal kingdom with conveniently predictable names (Bumblelion, Eleroo, Rhinokey) and refreshingly unmentioned lineage (because the idea of a bumblebee and a lion porking is not the kind of thing anyone wants to spend too much time thinking about).
They also seem to be the new Big Bads’ go-to Modus Operandi . . .a werewolf with eagle talons . . .another werewolf that climbs roofs, picks locks, and eat crows, a werewolf that can steal the powers of a wolf outside of his own pack . . . another werewolf that looks nice enough but ends up being a total douchebag . ..
A werewolf who takes AP Biology despite seemingly not being able to read . . .
A Phoenix (I mean, obviously, Parrish is a phoenix, even though they’ve spent 2.5 seasons pretending otherwise), who fawns over age and situation inappropriate women, and is, unlike the Hufflepuff Hogwarts house in which he so obviously belongs, a really terrible finder.
In other news, Stiles is finding himself nostalgic for the good old days, which is kind of crazy, because seriously, does he remember how awful the last four seasons have been for him? Like the time he was going to bone a hot chick and, moments later, she got brutally murdered by his English teacher, or that time he turned into an Evil Toilet Paper Head with awful teeth, while rotting in a scary mental institution?
Seriously . . .
Let’s review, shall we?
[As always a special Werebanging thank you to my pal Andre, who provided all the awesome screencaps you see here.]
Sometime in the not-so-distant future, Lydia Martin is in the nuthouse, a.k.a Eichen House. Being institutionalized has become kind of a rite of passage on this show, seeing as about half of the cast has already done some time (and exchanged bodily fluids) there.
When we first reunite with Lydia, our girl is just chilling in the shower, just a wee bit lobotomized. (Is that an actual thing? Being a little bit lobotomized? Is that like saying someone is a little bit paraplegic?)
Anyway, she’s staring off into space, and kind of drooling, and doing that whole zombie shuffle step thing, as some unsmiling attendants roughly manhandle her toward her bed deep in the confines of the psych ward. (Why is it that on every show featuring an insane asylums, all the attendants are sadistic sociopaths? Have all TV writers had really bad childhood experiences in nuthouses? Because it would certainly explain a lot.)
So, logically, the unsmiling attendants want to shoot her up with more drugs to “calm her down” or make her OD or whatever.
Unfortunately, for the unsmiling attendants, for reasons that science and logic most definitely cannot explain, the drugs actually end up having the opposite effect on our favorite ginger banshee. Not only do they totally wake Lydia out of her drug induced stupor . . .
They also instantaneously teach her to become an X-Men Mutant Ninja Warrior . . .
(Warning for the Kiddies: Intravenous drug use will not turn you into an X-Men Mutant / awesome kickass ninja. Do not try this at home . . . or in your insane asylum, wherever it is you happen to live.)
Unfortunately, all that solid IV drug use is no match for Drippy Ghost Aiden, who is both literally drippy because he is soaked in the convenient downpour that has just overtake Beacon Hills, and metaphorically drippy, because he’s delivering his lines to Lydia as if he’s reading to her the side effects on the prescription label of a bottle of Viagra.
The Eichen House folks are done with Aiden’s complete inability to emote too, apparently. . . so they shock Lydia into unconsciousness to put an end to these shenanigans.
And that’s when she turns into the Hulk AND MURDERS THEM ALL DEAD WITH HER BARE HANDS!
Just kidding, this time she just passes out, maybe they should have done that whole taser thing a bit earlier. It would have kept everyone dry, and avoided a lot of hassle. But, hey, hindsight is twenty, twenty, right?
Lydia is brought back to bed, has some really horrible flashbacks of all sorts of terrible things that will, apparently be happening to her friends this season. She then looks on in horror, as a doctor casually contemplates drilling a hole in her skull.
Sucks to be Lydia Martin, right?
Unless, of course, the skull drilling has the reverse effect it’s supposed to and Lydia becomes the smartest girl in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD . . .
But first . . .
We have to travel back in time to figure out how everything went to total and complete sh*t . . .
The Wall Flower
While investigating a noise complaint, Deputy Parrish comes upon a man stuck inside a wall, and attempts to free him, which . . . doesn’t exactly end up going as planned . . .
For one thing, the man seems to be completely covered in black goo, which completely clogs the pores of the Deputy’s flawless poreless skin, the instant he comes in contact with it. He may even get a pimple. And everyone knows that a pimple-faced Parrish would be the absolute worst thing to happen to Teen Wolf, since Derek Hale stopped having perfectly pointless erotic dream sequences in every episode.
Wolfman has these weird eagle talons that steal Deputy Parrish’s powers . . . you know, the ones he still isn’t entirely aware that he has.
Also they kill him . . .
Then, Dead Parrish has a wet dream where Lydia sticks her tongue down his throat, and he comes back to life.
Now, that’s what I call a powerful wet dream tongue. (Is that another unknown banshee power about which we are not yet aware?)
Deputy Parrish’s dubious powers and flawless skin are restored! Hooray!
Too bad he’s still kind of crappy at his job
(maybe if Lydia has sex with him, she can cure that ailment as well!), as we will see in the second hour.
Bonding with Bondage
It’s Full Moon time in Beacon Hills, which means it’s an excellent opportunity for Scott and Stiles to introduce Liam to the wild and wonderful world of bondage. While little Liam is embracing his own personal Red Room of Pain, Scott and Stiles are waxing poetic about the one thing way more frightening that eagle-taloned pour ruiners, and unsmiling nuthouse attendants who drills holes in your skull. Of course, I’m referring to . . . THE FUTURE!
Stiles worries that the band will break up after high school. He hears his dad’s cautionary tale of his no longer keeping in touch with any of his friends from high school, and it terrifies him. Scott worries that things have been going to well (translation: boring) for him and all his friends during the off-season. So, under the principle of Regression to the Mean, things are going to have to go to hell pretty soon, right? Like, say in the next ten minutes of the show?
Elsewhere in Beacon Hills, Malia is worried her time being home schooled in the woods as an honest-to-goodness coyote has put her so behind in her studies that she won’t be able to become a senior like her friends . . . also that she may get really hungry one day and eat her friends . . . like that time she accidentally ate her mom and sister.
That evening, yet another massive storm breaks out in Beacon Hills (do these people live in a rainforest?), and Kira worries she won’t get to the library in time for the senior ritual of vandalizing it with permanent markers.
Fortunately, Scott is there to suck her face in the middle of the traffic jam / rain storm. How romantic!
Later, that power stealing, eagle talon having, perfect pore ruining demon attacks and almost steals powers from Scott at the school, en route to the Senior Scribe, while all his friends stand around and watch looking vaguely bored. It is, Season 5, after all. They’ve all been there, seen that.
Eventually, Scott disarms the monster, who runs off crying to his doctor friends in gas masks, who reward him for his generalized suckiness at life by brutally murdering him!
Huzzah! The pores of the men of Beacon Hills have been miraculously saved! Or have they?
Scott & Allison 4 Eva A Few Seasons
Over at the Senior Scribe the whole cast (except for Liam, because he’s a tiny tot, and the parents, because they are old as dirt) write their initials on a library bookshelf in a metaphor for their friendship and pack status. Malia gets to write hers too, because, apparently, being in school for a week of your junior year guarantees you graduation status.
In a genuinely sweet moment, Scott scribbles the dearly departed Allison Argent’s initials “AA” into the mix, indicating that while Ms. Argent’s body may no longer be fighting supernatural crime with her friends, her spirit most certainly is . . .
“Hi, my name is Theo. I’m the dubiously motivated Shady Hot New Person of this season. (P.S. I’m also evil.”)
Because half of the cast has already left the show, Teen Wolf is in definite need of some tasty and fresh man meat.
Enter Theo, a supposed old friend of Stiles’ and Scott’s from fourth grade — who claims to have been turned into a werewolf during, no joke, a freak skateboarding accident – has heard about Scott’s True Alpha status, and wants to join his pack.
Theo’s story, and Theo, himself, are both basically full of sh*t. Stiles and Liam recognize this instinctively, but Scott, being Scott, instinctively trusts Theo. Just like he trusted his English Teacher Jennifer . . . Kate and Grandpa Argent . . . and occasionally Peter Hale . . . and we all know how well all that turned out.
Detective Stiles a.k.a Batman is officially on the case (with his adorable sidekick Liam a.k.a. Robin, of course)!
He notices that Theo’s dad’s signature on something he wrote in fourth grade, and something he wrote transferring him to Beacon Hill’s high look crazy different. It’s highly suspicious . . . maybe . . . I guess.
They go on a stakeout!
Which basically involves Stiles and Scott watching Theo put flowers on his dead sisters grave, and Liam hanging out in a hole next to a very suspicious-looking necklace, and not picking it up, despite it undoubtedly being the key to this whole season.
“See?” Says Scott. “Theo isn’t a sociopath at all. He’s just your garden variety sexy werewolf . . .”
“Yeah, I’m not a sociopath at all!” Theo insists, when confronted with the mysterious errant dad signatures.
Then, nice normal Theo does what any of us would do in such a situation, he goes and breaks his “father’s” hand for having such sloppy handwriting.
Then, he goes into a forest and burns bunnies while dancing around naked and worshipping Satan . . .
Scott McCall: True Alpha Veterinarian
While working at Deaton’s, the owner of one of the dog’s Scott does his weird “arm fondling pain sucking” thing to mistakes him for a vet.
So, of course, Scott decides that this is exactly what he wants to do when he grows up (which, given the fact that he already looks about 30, should happen in a few months).
There’s only one problem. You see, Scott . . . well, he’s not exactly the sharpest wolf-colored crayon in the box. Also, he can’t read all that well, and can’t count higher than 21, and that’s only because he has a weird extra toe.
Of course, all that doesn’t matter, when you can cure animals just by feeling them up a little bit. But before Scott can fondle animals professionally, first, he will have to graduate . . . and, apparently, because it is highly plot convenient, take AP Biology, with Lydia, Kira, and Evil Theo.
Liam: Gummy Butt Werewolf
You know what’s adorable? When studly twinks have absolutely no game. Enter Liam, who positively melts into a puddle of teen awkwardness when a lovely lady from his recent past (sixth grade, just in case this show wasn’t making me feel old enough as it is) gives him a healthy dose of side eye, and puts a wad of gum on his seat.
Apparently, back in the day 10-year old Liam wronged Gummy Girl in some way (maybe by putting gum on her seat), and she never quite forgave him.
Don’t sweat it Liam, that’s how teeny bopper women show their love!
In other Liam news, Teen Wolf’s littlest wolf cub was having a bit of difficulty “coming out” as a werewolf to his pal Mason. So, New Guy Evil Theo decided to help out . . .
(So, apparently, recently-turned werewolf Evil Theo can turn into a full-wolf, whereas Scott and most of his pack can’t? Yeah, because that’s not suspicious at all . . .
A Feast for Crows
In other new character news, meet Tracey . . . (She’s single!)
Her hobbies include having weird nightmares about crows and doctors and occasionally vomiting black goo . . .
But fear not, Tracey. Lydia and Deputy Parrish are going to use coming to your rescue as an excuse to eyef*ck one another shamelessly.
“Hey Parrish, can you come to this girl’s house, who I’ve never met before in my life and investigate it for this season’s Big Bad P.S. I’m 18, and basically graduated from high school. I’m only taking A.P. Biology for plot reasons, so I’m totally legal, OK fans?” Lydia inquires.
“Sure! I won’t find him, because I’m horrible at my job, but I’d love to stand on a chair and ignore the family of dead crows rotting outside her window, while you ogle my ass,” responds Parrish. “Then, later that night, I’ll camp outside her house, so we can have a booty call there at midnight when you ‘bring me coffee,’ and our squad car will be rocking so hard we’ll totally miss when zombie Tracy wanders off into the wilderness in her PJs.”
“Sounds awesome,” replies Lydia. “P.S. I love you because all my previous boyfriends left the show, the writers won’t let me couple up with Stiles, even though I obviously should, and you are pretty much the only single male available, despite your being way too old for me.”
“Works for me,” answers Parrish. “Chances are three quarters of the women in this town will be dead or evil by the end of this season, so I’ll take what I can get.”
Elsewhere in Beacon Hills, the Doctors corner Tracey and pump her up with some drugs, that make her remember how she broke through her own window and ate all the crows on her roof, yet somehow still managed to maintain her girlish figure. (Possibly from all the black goo vomiting.)
Oh, and they’ve also made her into a werewolf, so there’s that . . .
And that, my friends, was the first two nights of Teen Wolf, in a nutshell.
What say you, Wolfbangers? Why do the doctors keep making Wuzzles? What’s Theo’s deal? Will Scott pass his AP Bio exam? How many episodes before the inevitable Lydia and Parrish hookup? Who the heck is Malia’s mom? Will Liam ever get that gum off his ass?
Until next time . . .