Back to the Effed Up Future – A Brief Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Creatures of the Night” and “Parasomnia”

“Is that a hypodermic needle in your pocket and a scuba hat on your head, or are you just happy to see me?”

Well, Wolfbangers, after what seems like 15 years (but was actually only four), Scott McCall and his rag tag gang of werewolves, banshees, kitsunes and Stiles but not Allison, or Isaac, or Boyd, or Danny, or Ethan, or Aiden, or Derek, or Erica, or Cora, or Jackson have finally made it to their much- awaited senior year. It’s a time for rituals, parties, prom, and graduation. But because this is Beacon Hills, it is, apparently, also a time for Wuzzles . . .

For those of you who are unfamiliar, the Wuzzles were basically children’s introduction into how creepy the wacky world of genetic engineering can be. Hailing from the Land of Wuz, the Wuzzles were crazy hybrids of two distinct members of the animal kingdom with conveniently predictable names (Bumblelion, Eleroo, Rhinokey) and refreshingly unmentioned lineage (because the idea of a bumblebee and a lion porking is not the kind of thing anyone wants to spend too much time thinking about).

They also seem to be the new Big Bads’ go-to Modus Operandi . . .a werewolf with eagle talons . . .another werewolf that climbs roofs, picks locks, and eat crows, a werewolf that can steal the powers of a wolf outside of his own pack . . . another werewolf that looks nice enough but ends up being a total douchebag . ..

A werewolf who takes AP Biology despite seemingly not being able to read . . .

A Phoenix (I mean, obviously, Parrish is a phoenix, even though they’ve spent 2.5 seasons pretending otherwise), who fawns over age and situation inappropriate women, and is, unlike the Hufflepuff Hogwarts house in which he so obviously belongs, a really terrible finder.

In other news, Stiles is finding himself nostalgic for the good old days, which is kind of crazy, because seriously, does he remember how awful the last four seasons have been for him? Like the time he was going to bone a hot chick and, moments later, she got brutally murdered by his English teacher, or that time he turned into an Evil Toilet Paper Head with awful teeth, while rotting in a scary mental institution?

Seriously . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always a special Werebanging thank you to my pal Andre, who provided all the awesome screencaps you see here.]

Flash-Forward

“IS IT FRIDAY YET?”

Sometime in the not-so-distant future, Lydia Martin is in the nuthouse, a.k.a Eichen House. Being institutionalized has become kind of a rite of passage on this show, seeing as about half of the cast has already done some time (and exchanged bodily fluids) there.

When we first reunite with Lydia, our girl is just chilling in the shower, just a wee bit lobotomized. (Is that an actual thing? Being a little bit lobotomized? Is that like saying someone is a little bit paraplegic?)

Anyway, she’s staring off into space, and kind of drooling, and doing that whole zombie shuffle step thing, as some unsmiling attendants roughly manhandle her toward her bed deep in the confines of the psych ward. (Why is it that on every show featuring an insane asylums, all the attendants are sadistic sociopaths? Have all TV writers had really bad childhood experiences in nuthouses? Because it would certainly explain a lot.)

So, logically, the unsmiling attendants want to shoot her up with more drugs to “calm her down” or make her OD or whatever.

Unfortunately, for the unsmiling attendants, for reasons that science and logic most definitely cannot explain, the drugs actually end up having the opposite effect on our favorite ginger banshee. Not only do they totally wake Lydia out of her drug induced stupor . . .

They also instantaneously teach her to become an X-Men Mutant Ninja Warrior . . .

(Warning for the Kiddies: Intravenous drug use will not turn you into an X-Men Mutant / awesome kickass ninja.  Do not try this at home .  . . or in your insane asylum, wherever it is you happen to live.)

Unfortunately, all that solid IV drug use is no match for Drippy Ghost Aiden, who is both literally drippy because he is soaked in the convenient downpour that has just overtake Beacon Hills, and metaphorically drippy, because he’s delivering his lines to Lydia as if he’s reading to her the side effects on the prescription label of a bottle of Viagra.

“You are so boring. I can’t believe you and I used to bone.”

The Eichen House folks are done with Aiden’s complete inability to emote too, apparently. . . so they shock Lydia into unconsciousness to put an end to these shenanigans.

And that’s when she turns into the Hulk AND MURDERS THEM ALL DEAD WITH HER BARE HANDS!

Just kidding, this time she just passes out, maybe they should have done that whole taser thing a bit earlier. It would have kept everyone dry, and avoided a lot of hassle. But, hey, hindsight is twenty, twenty, right?

Lydia is brought back to bed, has some really horrible flashbacks of all sorts of terrible things that will, apparently be happening to her friends this season. She then looks on in horror, as a doctor casually contemplates drilling a hole in her skull.

“Will drilling a hole in my head mess up my hair?”

Sucks to be Lydia Martin, right?

Unless, of course, the skull drilling has the reverse effect it’s supposed to and Lydia becomes the smartest girl in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD . . .

But first . . .

We have to travel back in time to figure out how everything went to total and complete sh*t . . .

The Wall Flower

While investigating a noise complaint, Deputy Parrish comes upon a man stuck inside a wall, and attempts to free him, which . . . doesn’t exactly end up going as planned . . .

“I hate you, Parrish, and your smooth perfect skin!”

For one thing, the man seems to be completely covered in black goo, which completely clogs the pores of the Deputy’s flawless poreless skin, the instant he comes in contact with it. He may even get a pimple. And everyone knows that a pimple-faced Parrish would be the absolute worst thing to happen to Teen Wolf, since Derek Hale stopped having perfectly pointless erotic dream sequences in every episode.

Wolfman has these weird eagle talons that steal Deputy Parrish’s powers . . . you know, the ones he still isn’t entirely aware that he has.

Someone needs a mani / pedi!

Also they kill him . . .

“I always knew my chiseled good looks would be the death of me.”

Then, Dead Parrish has a wet dream where Lydia sticks her tongue down his throat, and he comes back to life.

“Best . . . death . . . ever.”

Now, that’s what I call a powerful wet dream tongue. (Is that another unknown banshee power about which we are not yet aware?)

Deputy Parrish’s dubious powers and flawless skin are restored! Hooray!

Too bad he’s still kind of crappy at his job (maybe if Lydia has sex with him, she can cure that ailment as well!), as we will see in the second hour.

Bonding with Bondage

“This is not nearly as much fun as they make it seem in the books.”

It’s Full Moon time in Beacon Hills, which means it’s an excellent opportunity for Scott and Stiles to introduce Liam to the wild and wonderful world of bondage. While little Liam is embracing his own personal Red Room of Pain, Scott and Stiles are waxing poetic about the one thing way more frightening that eagle-taloned pour ruiners, and unsmiling nuthouse attendants who drills holes in your skull. Of course, I’m referring to . . . THE FUTURE!

Stiles worries that the band will break up after high school. He hears his dad’s cautionary tale of his no longer keeping in touch with any of his friends from high school, and it terrifies him. Scott worries that things have been going to well (translation: boring) for him and all his friends during the off-season. So, under the principle of Regression to the Mean, things are going to have to go to hell pretty soon, right? Like, say in the next ten minutes of the show?

Elsewhere in Beacon Hills, Malia is worried her time being home schooled in the woods as an honest-to-goodness coyote has put her so behind in her studies that she won’t be able to become a senior like her friends . . . also that she may get really hungry one day and eat her friends . . . like that time she accidentally ate her mom and sister.

That evening, yet another massive storm breaks out in Beacon Hills (do these people live in a rainforest?), and Kira worries she won’t get to the library in time for the senior ritual of vandalizing it with permanent markers.

Fortunately, Scott is there to suck her face in the middle of the traffic jam / rain storm. How romantic!

Later, that power stealing, eagle talon having, perfect pore ruining demon attacks and almost steals powers from Scott at the school, en route to the Senior Scribe, while all his friends stand around and watch looking vaguely bored. It is, Season 5, after all.  They’ve all been there, seen that.

“Your skin is almost as flawless as Parrish. Grrr.”

Eventually, Scott disarms the monster, who runs off crying to his doctor friends in gas masks, who reward him for his generalized suckiness at life by brutally murdering him!

Huzzah! The pores of the men of Beacon Hills have been miraculously saved! Or have they?

Scott & Allison 4 Eva A Few Seasons

Over at the Senior Scribe the whole cast (except for Liam, because he’s a tiny tot, and the parents, because they are old as dirt) write their initials on a library bookshelf in a metaphor for their friendship and pack status. Malia gets to write hers too, because, apparently, being in school for a week of your junior year guarantees you graduation status.

In a genuinely sweet moment, Scott scribbles the dearly departed Allison Argent’s initials “AA” into the mix, indicating that while Ms. Argent’s body may no longer be fighting supernatural crime with her friends, her spirit most certainly is . . .

“Three seasons as the star of this show, and all I got from you were my initials in lousy permanent marker?”

“Hi, my name is Theo.   I’m the dubiously motivated Shady Hot New Person of this season. (P.S. I’m also evil.”)

Because half of the cast has already left the show, Teen Wolf is in definite need of some tasty and fresh man meat.

Enter Theo, a supposed old friend of Stiles’ and Scott’s from fourth grade — who claims to have been turned into a werewolf during, no joke, a freak skateboarding accident – has heard about Scott’s True Alpha status, and wants to join his pack.

Maybe the werewolf bit him, because he hated his dorky hat . . .

Theo’s story, and Theo, himself, are both basically full of sh*t. Stiles and Liam recognize this instinctively, but Scott, being Scott, instinctively trusts Theo. Just like he trusted his English Teacher Jennifer . . . Kate and Grandpa Argent . . . and occasionally Peter Hale . . . and we all know how well all that turned out.

Detective Stiles a.k.a Batman is officially on the case (with his adorable sidekick Liam a.k.a. Robin, of course)!

He notices that Theo’s dad’s signature on something he wrote in fourth grade, and something he wrote transferring him to Beacon Hill’s high look crazy different. It’s highly suspicious . . . maybe . . . I guess.

They go on a stakeout!

Which basically involves Stiles and Scott watching Theo put flowers on his dead sisters grave, and Liam hanging out in a hole next to a very suspicious-looking necklace, and not picking it up, despite it undoubtedly being the key to this whole season.

“Yeah, because this isn’t a thinly veiled metaphor for my bourgoning sexuality at all.”

“See?” Says Scott. “Theo isn’t a sociopath at all. He’s just your garden variety sexy werewolf . . .”

“Yeah, I’m not a sociopath at all!” Theo insists, when confronted with the mysterious errant dad signatures.

They look the same to me.

Then, nice normal Theo does what any of us would do in such a situation, he goes and breaks his “father’s” hand for having such sloppy handwriting.

“Good penmanship is important, dammit.”

Then, he goes into a forest and burns bunnies while dancing around naked and worshipping Satan . . .

Scott McCall: True Alpha Veterinarian

“Hey buddy? Think you can help me pass biology? Bark once for yes, twice for no.”

While working at Deaton’s, the owner of one of the dog’s Scott does his weird “arm fondling pain sucking” thing to mistakes him for a vet.

So, of course, Scott decides that this is exactly what he wants to do when he grows up (which, given the fact that he already looks about 30, should happen in a few months).

There’s only one problem. You see, Scott . . . well, he’s not exactly the sharpest wolf-colored crayon in the box. Also, he can’t read all that well, and can’t count higher than 21, and that’s only because he has a weird extra toe.

Of course, all that doesn’t matter, when you can cure animals just by feeling them up a little bit. But before Scott can fondle animals professionally, first, he will have to graduate . . . and, apparently, because it is highly plot convenient, take AP Biology, with Lydia, Kira, and Evil Theo.

Liam: Gummy Butt Werewolf

“Chicks man . . .”

You know what’s adorable? When studly twinks have absolutely no game. Enter Liam, who positively melts into a puddle of teen awkwardness when a lovely lady from his recent past (sixth grade, just in case this show wasn’t making me feel old enough as it is) gives him a healthy dose of side eye, and puts a wad of gum on his seat.

Apparently, back in the day 10-year old Liam wronged Gummy Girl in some way (maybe by putting gum on her seat), and she never quite forgave him.

Don’t sweat it Liam, that’s how teeny bopper women show their love!

“Is that a big wad of gum on your pants, or are you just happy to see me?”

In other Liam news, Teen Wolf’s littlest wolf cub was having a bit of difficulty “coming out” as a werewolf to his pal Mason.  So, New Guy Evil Theo decided to help out . . .

Problem solved!

(So, apparently, recently-turned werewolf Evil Theo can turn into a full-wolf, whereas Scott and most of his pack can’t? Yeah, because that’s not suspicious at all . . .

A Feast for Crows

In other new character news, meet Tracey . . . (She’s single!)

“They told me it would taste like chicken?”

Her hobbies include having weird nightmares about crows and doctors and occasionally vomiting black goo . . .

But fear not, Tracey. Lydia and Deputy Parrish are going to use coming to your rescue as an excuse to eyef*ck one another shamelessly.

“Hey Parrish, can you come to this girl’s house, who I’ve never met before in my life and investigate it for this season’s Big Bad P.S. I’m 18, and basically graduated from high school. I’m only taking A.P. Biology for plot reasons, so I’m totally legal, OK fans?” Lydia inquires.

“Sure! I won’t find him, because I’m horrible at my job, but I’d love to stand on a chair and ignore the family of dead crows rotting outside her window, while you ogle my ass,” responds Parrish. “Then, later that night, I’ll camp outside her house, so we can have a booty call there at midnight when you ‘bring me coffee,’ and our squad car will be rocking so hard we’ll totally miss when zombie Tracy wanders off into the wilderness in her PJs.”

“Hmm . . . I wonder what Lydia looks like naked . . .”

“Sounds awesome,” replies Lydia. “P.S. I love you because all my previous boyfriends left the show, the writers won’t let me couple up with Stiles, even though I obviously should, and you are pretty much the only single male available, despite your being way too old for me.”

“Works for me,” answers Parrish. “Chances are three quarters of the women in this town will be dead or evil by the end of this season, so I’ll take what I can get.”

Elsewhere in Beacon Hills, the Doctors corner Tracey and pump her up with some drugs, that make her remember how she broke through her own window and ate all the crows on her roof, yet somehow still managed to maintain her girlish figure. (Possibly from all the black goo vomiting.)

Oh, and they’ve also made her into a werewolf, so there’s that . . .

And that, my friends, was the first two nights of Teen Wolf, in a nutshell.

What say you, Wolfbangers? Why do the doctors keep making Wuzzles? What’s Theo’s deal? Will Scott pass his AP Bio exam? How many episodes before the inevitable Lydia and Parrish hookup? Who the heck is Malia’s mom? Will Liam ever get that gum off his ass?

Until next time . . .

Coitus Interruptus – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s Season 4 Premiere “A Tale of Two Sisters”

Anna: “I’m so excited. I get to play a married early twenty something woman on an adult television show. Do you think they’ll finally let me take off these ridiculous pigtail braids?”

Elsa: “No.”

Anna: “But . . .”

Elsa: “Just let it go, Anna. Let it go.”

It’s official.  The prime time television season is back in session.  There goes my social life . . .

You can check out my random musings about Robin Hood’s failed attempt at propositioning a threesome, Hook’s and Emma’s oddly kinky idea of a first date, Rumpbelle’s House Crasher Honeymoon Oasis, and why I think the StayPuft Marshmallow man has seen better days, by clicking here.

Or . . . you can spend the evening hanging out with This Guy.  It’s totally up to you . . .

Stiles-ception – A (Ridiculously Late) Recap of Teen Wolf’s Season 3B Premiere “Anchors”

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“Is this real? Am I real?  Is this even a real door?  If I repeatedly bang my head on it, will I figure it out?  Ouch . . . ouch . . . ouch, maybe not.”

What’s up, my fellow Werebangers!  I missed you!

How was your New Years?  Did you dance?

Meet any new and interesting people?

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Die in a bath tub, and come back to life, only to realize you’ve somehow forgotten how to read?

(Don’t worry if this happens to be the case.  Most of this blog post will be pictures anyway . . . :))

Wherever you’ve been, whatever you’ve done, worry not!  Your Werebanger Family welcomes you back with open arms.

So, lets get on with this recap, shall we?

[As always, a big werewolfy round of applause for my good pal Andre, who in addition to being the Lean Mean Screencapping Machine who generously provided us with all the awesome pictures you see here, also happens to be a pretty kickass person, in general.]

Sleeping with Stiles . . .

Teen Wolf . . . it’s no longer just a show you watch to see hot guys take their shirts off, flex their muscles, and get all sweaty with one another . . .

(Though that, in and of itself, is a pretty good reason to watch the show.)

This is show is educational!  You learn stuff here!  For example, this week on Teen Wolf, I learned about the Tibetan Buddhist concept of “Bardo,”which from what I gather, is basically a cross between Purgatory, and whatever the f*&k happened on the last season of Lost  . . .

“So you mean to tell me all this time, we thought we were battling Baddies, Bionic Bears, and Black Smoke in a jungle, we were really just sitting around in this lame old church?”

Also, I learned from Stiles all the nifty tricks you can use to tell that your dreaming, while you are actually dreaming .  . . you know, for all those times you find yourself possibly-but-maybe-not asleep, and don’t have on hand Leonardo DiCaprio’s Magical Spinning Top from Inception . . .

We start the episode off in bed with Stiles, which is as good a place as any to start off a series, AM I RIGHT ladies (and men)?

We know immediately that Stiles is dreaming, by the way he’s sweating, rapidly blinking his eyes, moaning amorously, curling his toes under his blanket, and thrusting upward, while he grabs on to his sheets for dear life .  . .

Unfortunately for us fans, it ended up not being one of THOSE kind of dreams.  But we totally see where you were going with this, Jeff Davis, you naughty minx, you .  . .

At the start of the “Dream,” Stiles comes out of the closet . . . er . . . I mean the locker . . .

“I feel so liberated!”

Then, Stiles takes a long slow glance in the mirror to remind fans how buff he’s gotten during the hiatus .  . .

“Someone’s been sneaking Wheaties into my Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs . .  .”

Stiles hears a sound, so he goes to investigate.  This is what he finds . . .

“Don’t you just hate it when an Evil Tree crashes through your classroom, and then tries to eat you?”

I know I do!

Then, Stiles “wakes up” only to learn that he’s slept through his entire courtship with Lydia!  Apparently, they’ve gone from “heat of the moment” first kiss partners, to bed buddies, who sleep together on school nights and massage one other’s arms after nightmares, in the span of less than two episodes . . .

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“Is it Season 5, already?”

This is the moment I usually realize that I’m dreaming . .  . when things are simply too good to be true. . .

Stiles breaks the fourth wall at this point in the narrative, leading us to believe that he realizes he’s still dreaming as well . . .

“I can’t really be this much of a pimp, yet . . . CAN I?”

And while most hot blooded teens would take advantage of their Super Awesome Dream, by say .  . .  taking this unique opportunity to do away with a certain Pesky Virginity Problem .  . .

Stiles, being the tragic hero we know him to be, decides instead to go and CLOSE THE DOOR . .  .

This concept of THE DOOR, is one that presents itself throughout the episode.  Throughout the hour, we see Stiles and Allison, in their dreamlike states opening doors that they shouldn’t, doors that release evil spirits, funky trees, and b*tchy dead aunts into the ether.  We learned last season from Deaton, that “dying and returning to life in a bathtub” opened a seemingly figurative, but possibly literal, door in the characters’ minds, through which some pretty nasty Big Bads can pass through, if they aren’t careful.

Notice how adamant Dream Lydia was against Stiles closing the door to his room / mind.  This reminded me a bit of something Leonardo DiCaprio’s character in Inception said about dream characters becoming violent toward anyone or anything that might disrupt the dream.  Perhaps, Dream Lydia didn’t want Stiles to close the door in his dream, because if he did, it would end his Bardo, thereby closing off the possibility of the evil demons connected to the Evil Tree / Nemeton breaking free into the Real World.

That would make Dream Lydia kind of evil.  So maybe it was a good thing Stiles didn’t have sex with her . . .

Then again, Stiles never actually closes the door.  Instead he WALKS THROUGH IT, thereby exposing himself, once again to the Nemeton, and the horrors of sleep paralysis . . . which, some might say, was a worse result than if he simply ignored the door and started humping his lady love. . .

“DAMMIT, YOU MEAN TO TELL ME I COULD HAVE GOTTEN LAID!”

We then see Stiles wake up, go to school and tell Scott all about his theories about waking dreams, and how his, in particular, might be related to the Sacrifice to the Nemeton that the three of them made last season.  Scott grunts, stares at his friend dumbfounded, and has absolutely nothing whatsoever intelligent or helpful to say, as per usual.  Everyone in the class pretends the two boys don’t exist, despite the fact that they are both rather attractive, have great bodies, and are talking very loudly about very weird sh*t .  . .  also as per usual.  Everything seems normal enough.  But Stiles still feels like something is off . . .

And that’s when he wakes up again . . . for real this time . . . maybe . . .

In a sense, Stiles’ intense self awareness and extensive knowledge of dream states functions as both a blessing and a curse for him.  On one hand, Stiles is more likely than any other character on the show to instinctively realize he is dreaming.  Therefore, he would theoretically have the easiest time lucidly navigating his own dream world, and, when necessary, waking himself up.  On the other hand, Stiles’ innate ability to detect dreamlike things in everyday occurrences will undoubtedly cast a pall of strangeness on every aspect of his life, leaving him perpetually uncertain as to whether he is ALWAYS AWAKE or ALWAYS ASLEEP.

This has led some to speculate that Stiles may already be dead (either from the tub, or from the car accident he experienced later that same episode), and that the entire second half of the season is taking place in his (unconscious?) (comatose?) (purgatoried?) mind . . .

In short, the cold open to Season 3B was about twenty times more meta than anything we’ve seen on the show, thus far.  But I liked it.  Unlike most dream sequences in teen shows, which bash you on the head with their symbolism  (Common Example 1: A precocious student is afraid of bombing her SATs.  So, she has a dream that she bombs her SATs, and ends up a homeless bum.  Common Example 2: A woman fears her Bad Boy boyfriend lacks ambition.  So she has a dream that she marries him, and ends up living in a dirty trailer park with 10 kids, married to her Bad Boy boyfriend, who is now a fat, burping, unemployed mess.), Stiles dreams were subtle, confusing, and disjointed.  They didn’t insult viewers’ intelligence, by tying everything up in a nice pretty Bardo Bow.  And that made them seem more like . . . well . . . real dreams . . .

I still wanted to see Stiles get dream laid though . . .

My Shadow Self

As is usually the case on this show,  other characters experience Real Problems, while Scott experiences things that are mildly annoying, but also kind of fun / funny.

“My Shadow Self really needs a manicure.”

“If you think it, it will come . . .”

Allison has 100% turned into Haley Joe Osment’s character from The Sixth Sense . . .

Complete with cold gusts of air coming out of her mouth, every time she encounters the dead . . .

“Oooh, either it’s getting a little nippley in here . . . or I just stumbled into a commercial for breath mints.”

She’s also hallucinating entire trips to the hospital mortuary on her walks to school, and may or may not be suffering from multiple personality disorder  . . .

“Which one of us do you think looks better in this outfit, Me or me?”

To top that off, her hands are shaking constantly, as if she’s suffering from DTs, so she can’t shoot her bow and arrow for sh*t, and her pesky zombie dead aunt, not only can’t seem to leave her alone, but almost made her  kill her best friend, and TOTALLY cockblocked her Awesome Dream Sex with Isaac. . .

“Helllooooo?   Anybody in there?”

“Sup, girl?”

“Hey again.  If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were avoiding me, Allison?”

“Was it something I said?   Is it because I have zombie breath?”

“Woah, Allison, there are much easier ways to make sure you win prom queen than scalping the competition .  . .”

“Oh Isaac, I’ve wanted this for at least three episodes so long.”

“Hey girl!  Can I get in on this too?  Argent Family Threesome?”

“Worst . . . orgasm . . . EVER!”

So, I’d say that’s all pretty sucky.  Stiles, as we know, can’t tell whether he’s asleep or awake . . . like ALL THE TIME.  He may, in fact, already be dead . . .  As if that wasn’t bad enough, the sole income earner in his family either just got fired from his job by his best friend’s bio dad .  . .

. . . and /or became a serious hoarder.  And to top it off, in the past couple of days, Stiles has officially become a barely functioning illiterate who can’t count to ten . . . .

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So, in what horrible way has Scott been affected by the ritual sacrifice you ask?  Well, his shadow is being sort of a pain in the ass . . .

“My shadow has officially become more attractive than I am.  Now, I know how Peter Pan felt. . .”

“I am SO done competing with this douchebag.  Off he goes!”

And his best friend is crushing on his ex . . .

“Weeee . . .  I’m flying.  Hey Scott, is this what it feels like to have sex with Allison?“

Oh, and he’s also experiencing a massive case of dry eyes / anger management issues!

“Nothing to see here.  This is totally normal.  I treat my friend like he’s the Hunchback of Notre Dame all the time!”

“You wouldn’t like me when I’m horny . . . “

In  other words, it’s nothing a little Visine, and a pep talk from Mommy about how he’ll find love again, couldn’t cure . . .

“You don’t need a girlfriend to keep you from turning into a monster, Scott.  Remember what that nice man Anthony Bates said in Psycho, ‘A boy’s best friend is his mother . . .’ “

Perhaps, that wasn’t the best example.

So, to summarize, Stiles and Allison are going through Hell.  And Scott?  Well, he’s going through puberty . . .

That’s Sign Language for “You’re totally f*&ked.”

Have you ever had one of those dreams, where it’s the end of the semester, and you realize that you totally spaced and forgot to attend one of your classes.  And now,  suddenly, you have to go take a final for a class for which you’ve never even cracked open a book?

Well, imagine that the class was Sign Language 101.  And you arrive to find everyone repeatedly, and angrily motioning toward you in a way that might be the Macarena dance, for all the significance it has to you.

That’s what happens to poor Stiles in this episode.  Fortunately, our trusty old Coach Crackpot is there to wake our hero up from his nightmare.  The problem, of course, is that, while all this was happening, Stiles wasn’t actually sleeping.   He was . . . drawing . . .

But wait . . . check out the shape of Stiles’ incessant scribble of “Wake Ups.”  Does it look like anything to you?  Because it sure as heck looks like an “anchor” to me . . . as in .  . . THE TITLE OF THIS EPISODE .  . .

Here’s a theory.  You know how all the werewolves require a mental “anchor” to keep themselves from wolfing out at inopportune moments.  What if to escape “Bardo,” our heroes also need an anchor to keep them “tied down” to the real living world, which is becoming increasingly hard for them to reach?

Kind of like the “anchors” who first guided our heroes into the Ritual Ice Bath Sacrifice in the first place?  (i.e. Lydia for Stiles, Isaac for Allison, Deaton for Scott, or according to Scott’s mother, Scott for Scott).

About that whole “Bardo” Concept . . .

So, it just occurred to me that I’ve been going about this  recap kind of backwards, in the sense that I’ve been consistently referring to this Bardo Concept, without explaining how this information was actually introduced to our characters . . .

It all started with Lydia, who was taking way too much joy in the fact that she was no longer the token wackadoo of the group . . . i.e. the one who screamed really loudly at really inappropriate times for no reason at all, occasionally drugged her friends with wolfsbane, and had a strange tendency to wander around in the forest naked in the middle of the night .. . (Well, actually, she’s still that person.  But now all her friends are acting just as nuts.)

She also really, really wanted to figure out what the heck was going on with all her friends.

(By the way, you would think that a BANSHEE would be a bit more attuned to the fact that her entire social circle is potentially half-dead.  But whatever . . .)

“Well, you all can’t be THAT dead, because I’m not screaming my head off.  Then, again, if all of this is just a dream in Stiles’ head then . . . at least his subconscious put me in a cute outfit.”

And while Lydia was busy being totally stumped by the situation, someone else had already figured things out.  Meet Kira . . .

She’s the new girl in school.  This is her dad . . . who is a history teacher, and who is inexplicably teaching Kira’s history class, despite the fact that the school is pretty large and likely has at least two other history teachers on the faculty who weren’t murdered by evil Druids . . .

“I really don’t want to be a history teacher.  History teachers never survive supernatural teen shows.  Can’t I teach gym, or woodworking?  How about making me a nice lunch lady?  No one ever kills the lunch lady.  I’d even be willing to wear a hairnet.”

Some have speculated that Kira (or her dad) might be the foxy kitsune who gets into our Scooby Gang’s heads this half of the season, and functions as its trickstery, mental manipulating big bad.  But, for now, all we know about her is that she knows all about Tibetan Buddhism and Bardo, totally believes Scott and Co. are hallucinating and stuff because they are about to croak.  Oh, and Scott thinks she’s a total hottie.  Anywhoo, I’m sure we haven’t seen the last of this chick . . .

Speaking of Characters Whose Sole Purpose Seems to Be to Explain Complicated Tidbits of Mythology to the Audience. . .

He pops up just in time to tell the kiddies what we all pretty much figured out from the promos.  Basically, that whole ritual sacrifice thingy, which actually had nothing at all to do with the finale or how Darach Jenny was ultimately defeated has made them Stiles, Scott and Allison, nutzo.  And so they all need to  . . . wait for it . . . close the doors in their brains to keep them from going straight to hell and letting all the evil demons escape into the world, just like they keep threatening to do but never actually do on The Vampire Diaries  . . .

Don’t worry Isaac.  At least you were more helpful than Deaton, this week!

In Seemingly Unrelated News . . .

This guy . . .

 . . . is a total douche, who is trying to take Stiles’ dad’s Sheriff job away, seemingly just because that’s the kind of thing douches do.

Stiles’ dad, of course, wants to keep his job, and randomly decides that solving a REALLY, REALLY cold case involving a missing little girl who IF she was still alive she’s totally still alive would be Stiles’ age now, is precisely the way to do it . . .

Meet, not really dead Malia Tate . . .

Her mother and sister(?) were killed in what may or may not have been a wolf mauling, but her body was never found. Malia Tate looks a bit like a younger version of this lady, Shelly Hennig, who has signed on to be a “Super Secret Important Character on this Show.”

They even have the same side part in their hair!

For reasons that don’t quite make sense to me, Stiles’ dad decides to visit Malia’s slightly strange, and very pissed off, still grieving father, who has a strange obsession with, and seeming hatred, for coyotes  . . .

“Coyotes are evil.  My missing daughter and/or I might be a were-coyote.“

  . . . so that Scott can quite literally sniff around Malia’s room, and see if he can pick up her scent, despite her not having lived in the house for about ten years . . .

She must have been a really smelly girl?

Scott can’t seem to latch on to Malia’s body odor.  But he and Stiles do have a fun little encounter with another smelly creature .. .

“Please let me join your pack.  I’m already house trained.”

“I’m also a very good finder.”

Stiles and Scott narrowly escape the Tate home without being discovered by Creepy Papa Tate.  Later that night, the two of them head off into the night in search of Malia’s dead body.  (Riiiiiight, because this strategy of searching for dead things in the forest has served them both so well in the past . . .)

And while they don’t locate Malia’s corpse, the best friends do come upon one of her baby dolls, which, just so happens to have the best working batteries of any toy I’ve ever seen  . . .

What toy works that well after 10 years?  Even the Chuckie doll  from the Child’s Play series has started to show signs of slowing down, and he’s possessed by an honest-to-goodness serial killer . . .

Later that night, Scott stumbles upon a coyote or wolf (I’m not really good at differentiating between K-9’s) and is inexplicably convinced it’s Malia . . .

It’s important to note that the creature .. .  whatever it is . . .  has blue eyes, which means it has killed innocents (possibly its own family members . . . possibly by accident, during a Full Moon turn).  So, who is it . . . Malia Tate?   Her father?  The Mysterious Kira?  It’s probably too soon to know for sure.

Oh, and for those of you who have been wondering where Derek and Sassy Peter have been all episode . . . the answer will shock you . . .

Poor Derek!  He can’t even make it through one episode without having his manhood burned and denigrated in some way.  But hey, at least he still looks good shirtless . . .

Some thing never change . . .

Next week on Teen Wolf . . .

And if that didn’t whet your appetite, perhaps this will . . .

http://www.mtv.com/shows/teen_wolf/ep-14-sneak-peek/991310/video/#id=1719787

Until next time, Werebangers!  Sweet dreams . . .

The Hunted – A Review of The Vampire Diaries’ Season 5 Premiere, “I Know What You Did Last Summer”

Welcome back, Fangbangers!  It appears we have a lot of catching up to do . . .

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So, tell me, how did you spend YOUR summer?  Did you travel to far off places?

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Meet some new and interesting people?

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Get healthy by starting a new . . . um . . . workout routine?

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Change up your look a bit?

Black eyes are the new orange . . .

Perhaps, you just spent the summer relaxing by the pool?

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To be honest, it’s been so long, I’m just hoping that none of you DIED, and are merely carrying on the facade of living to spare my feelings.  (Please let me know if you are.)

Regardless of what . . . or who . . . you were doing this summer, sometimes it’s just nice to return home and connect with old friends.

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This week’s TVD Season Premiere saw most of our favorite Mystic Fallians heading into uncharted waters . . . sometimes literally.

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For Caroline and Elena, this meant going from vampires at the top of their high school food chain, to freshmen in college, who can’t attend frat parties, because no one will invite them in . . .

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For Damon, this meant staying home and having to babysit unruly humans, while his girlfriend was off having fun, and his brother was .  . . taking a really long bath.

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For Stefan, this meant interminable and repeated death by drowning . . . all while suffering from the knowledge that his brother and former lover were boning, and his shadow self was off wreaking havoc on Mystic Falls, while wearing his face . . .

Katherine was forced to relearn the ignominy of running in high heels, and seducing men with her hot body and sexy smoker’s voice, as opposed to merely compelling them to like her like she used to do . . .

Matt had to endure .   . .  whatever the f*&k happened to him at the end of the episode . . .

And Bonnie had to remain virtually ignored and invisible, while all her friends were out having storylines of their own, barely acknowledging her existence . . .  which, if you think about it, is not too different from what Bonnie does every season.

In a show where more than 3/4’s of the characters are supernatural, there tends to be a lot of focus on predators and hunters, those with the power to feed on the weak and innocent.  But, at least at the start of Season 5, our Scooby Gang is feeling a lot more vulnerable and unprepared than usual.  They are the prey . . . the hunted.

Let’s review, shall we?

Summertime Blues

Poor Stefan and Bonnie!  All their friends have been so busy having sex with one another, that nobody seemed to notice that they both “died.”

That’s the trouble with being a broody loner, Stefan Salvatore.  When you fall off the face of the Earth, everybody just assumes that you need “space,” and not that your evil doppelganger buried you in an underwater tomb for all eternity . . .

As for Bonnie, her situation is arguably even more pathetic than Stefan’s.  By following said friends and family around unseen, while engaging them in one-sided conversations in which they will never take part, and shouting at them unheard, Bonnie has taken her usual sidekick status to a whole new level:  She’s become a TVD viewer .  . .  a fangirl!  The writers might as well put her on a couch, in front of a flat screen, for all her plot significance.

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Those of you who have lost someone special in your life, can probably relate to the belief that that person is up in Heaven somewhere looking down on you, doing his or her best to protect you and keep you safe.

And yet, you kind of hope they aren’t watching you ALL the time, right?

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I mean, I don’t know how you picture YOUR Heaven.  But in my version, there’s a lot more to do there than simply watch the television channel tuned in to Your Loved Ones broadcast network.  My Heaven is happening place.  The people there party, socialize, and engage in hobbies.  They have LIVES in death.

So, as much as I think it’s “swell” that Bonnie is spending her ghost moments making sure her friends are happy, and aren’t missing her too much, I also think the writers have painted themselves into a bit of a corner with the character.  They need to either write her a storyline that puts her ghostly tendencies to good use, or write her out of the show.

Because, honestly, if I wanted to watch someone scream at Damon and Elena completely unnoticed, I’d just put a camera on myself . . .

*gingerly steps off soapbox*

In happier news . . .

Hot Fun in the Summertime

Last season’s TVD finale marked the blossoming of two (sort of) new romantic relationships.  After an entire season characterized pesky sire bond concerns, humanity switches in the off position, arguments about Silas and The Cure, and crippling cases of Survivors Guilt, Damon and Elena FINALLY declared their love for one another the night after Elena’s graduation from high school.

As for Matt and Rebekah, their courtship was much less complicated: a few longing looks, and sexually suggestive comments, culminating in a decision to spend a summer on the road engaged in a good old fashioned no-frills Screwfest . . .

Now, I’ll be the first to admit, I tend to prefer my TV relationships unbearably sexually tense, and frustratingly unresolved .  . .

What can I say?  I’m a girl who loves the chase?  Romantic bliss bores me . . . at least when it’s of the fictional variety.

That said, I was pleasantly surprised by how Damon and Elena and Matt and Rebekah behaved as couples.  I liked that both of these couplings seemed to make all parties involved better versions of themselves.

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The typically straight-laced Elena and Matt seemed happier, more carefree, and, of course, more sexually adventurous under the romantic tutelage of their naughty vampire counterparts.

As for Damon, he remained every bit of the snarky, sex-crazed, vampire I fell in love with three seasons ago.  And yet, finally obtaining the woman of his dreams has given him a certain maturity that his 170+ prior years on Earth never did.  In this episode, alone, we saw him take genuine fatherly concern in the well being of Jeremy Gilbert, the same kid he killed in Season 2 in a drunken rage fueled by romantic rejection.  Now, that’s progress!

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What’s more, Damon was willing to put aside the wounds of a 145 year long crush to help an ex-girlfriend in need, no sexual favors required.

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As for Rebekah, apart from the discovery that she might be bisexual, we learned little about what a summer of European sex with Matt has done for her personality.  But she did seem a bit less bratty than usual, don’t you think?

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Summer romances are easy.  The weather is hot.  The workloads are lighter.  And we’re all slightly more naked and carefree.

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The real test of these two functional couples will be weather they can survive the blustery fall and the long bitter cold of winter?  With Elena off having coed college adventures  . . .

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 . . . Rebekah embarking on TV spinoff territory, and Matt possibly turning into a Demon spawn, can these loves last through Sweeps Week?  Only time will tell . . .

Vampire College Hijinks

I know comedy is not the main purpose of this show.  But am I the only one who thinks that the writers missed a real opportunity for hilarity by killing off Megan, a.k.a. The Unwanted Third Roommate so quickly?

I mean, think about it.  These Mystic Falls vamps are so used to living around folks who think it’s totally OK to guzzle from a blood bag, require formal invitations to enter establishments, brainwash pesky teachers and neighbors, and occasionally nibble on a neck or two.

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Imagine all the fun that could be had by pairing go-with-the-flow vamp Elena and Type-A hyper vamp Caroline with a TRULY CLUELESS college coed (which, I suspect we will learn, Megan actually wasn’t).  I can already picture Elena and Caroline putting scrunchies on the door, to fend off Megan, not when they are having sex like most dorm mates do, but when they are engaging in a blood binge.  (Megan would probably think they were secret lesbians, as opposed to secret vampires.)

Caroline’s and Elena’s differing opinions about how to handle Megan also seemed ripe for situation comedy.  I can already see Caroline regularly compelling Megan (once she got her off the “protein” vervain water, of course) to do her bidding, and then going to ridiculous lengths to hide that compulsion from the more gentle-hearted Elena . . .

“I swear, Elena.  She just did all my laundry, because she REALLY, REALLY wanted to . . .”

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But alas, Megan was destined to be Senseless Death Patient Zero in this show known for introducing seemingly important characters to provide product placement, and then die quick and painful deaths 20 minutes into the series . .  .

That said, Megan’s odd connection to Elena’s father (suggested by the picture on her cell phone), her seeming knowledge of vampire lore (illustrated by her ownership of vervain, and her casual refusal to get Caroline and Elena invited into the frat party), and the way that her death was clearly perpetrated by, and promptly covered up by a vampire (bite marks . . .  fake suicide note), made for an intriguing introduction to this season’s college-based storyline.

(Speaking of faked suicides, rumor has it that if your college roommate offs themselves during the semester, you get straight A’s for the year.  If Elena’s and Caroline’s attendance records at Whitmore College are anything like the ones they had at Mystic Falls High, that perk is going to come in mighty handy for them this season.)

In other college coed news, Caroline is seemingly suddenly single, after her boyfriend Tyler, once again decided to dump her by voicemail, opting to defer his freshman year at Whitmore, in exchange for “helping out a werewolf pack that needs me.”

Yeah . . . because that worked out SOOOO well for you last time, Tyler.

As for everyone’s favorite Vampire Barbie, with new dude Jess clearly keeping his eye on her, and Klaus just a couple hours away in New Orleans, I suspect she won’t be single for long . . .

Meanwhile, back home . . .

Mr. Mom and The Juvenile Delinquents

Damon’s promise to Elena that he’ll be a good little house husband, while she’s off getting her learning on hits a bit of a snag, when he gets an unwanted visitor in the form of a newly human Katherine Pierce.

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One of the problems with spending your 500 years on Earth pretty much pissing off, breaking the hearts of, and/or eating everyone you meet, is that eventually Karma will come back to bite you in the ass in pretty major way.

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Such is the case with Katherine, who has such an impressive talent for losing friends and alienating people that, by the end of the episode, she literally has an ENTIRE TOWN of people out to get her . . .

Katherine may have lost her ability to run in high heels without getting blisters, drink 3 bottles of tequila without getting drunk, compel enemies to do her bidding just by staring at them, and appear perfectly clean despite rarely being seen showering, or brushing her hair . . .  (Seriously, Girlfriend was downright dirty looking this week . . . Thank goodness for Damon’s magical bathtub, or we’d probably be able to smell her through the TV screen.)  But her snarktastic sense of humor, seductive talents, and supremely selfish sense of self-preservation remain refreshingly intact . . .

As difficult as it must have been for Elena’s doppelganger to ask Damon, of all people, for help, she did it without batting an eyelash.  And, in doing so, she succeeded, at least temporarily, in gaining herself a powerful vampire ally in a world where it has literally become almost impossible for humans to survive through midseason .  .  .

Of course, by the end of the episode, she screws that up too.  But she still gets points for trying . . .

Speaking of navigating rough terrain, as if being the Creepy Kid Who Sometimes Talks to Dead People didn’t make him enough of an outcast, JerBear now has to add “came back from the dead” and “burned down his childhood home, just because he wanted attention” to his social resume.

The character’s inherent weirdness aside, I find it hard to believe that any self-respecting high school student would be stupid enough to attempt to beat up Jeremy after getting a look at those crazy muscles he’s sprouted in the past year in a half.  Seriously, DUDE IS JACKED UP!

Also, people rumored to have burned down their house?  Their usually not the kind of people you want to mess with.  Just saying . . .

And yet, on Jeremy’s first day back at school as a “real live boy,” he gets picked on by not one, but TWO ridiculously stupid teens.  So, he proceeds to wipe the floor with both of them . . .

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Now, I’m not generally a proponent of violence, but those two douchebags had it coming.  No one gets between a 16 year old boy and his cell phone . .. NO ONE!

Under normal circumstances, I suspect Damon Salvatore would be proud of his surrogate baby bro and law for sticking up for himself.  But Jeremy’s impending suspension spells trouble on the horizon between Elena and Damon, the latter of whom PROMISED to keep JerBear on the straight and narrow, while she was away at school .  . .

So, Damon tries his hand at the “Dad Thing” offering Jeremy a surprisingly paternal lecture, and getting him accepted back into public school with the help of a little good old fashioned compulsion.  As for the unruly Katherine, he offers her his protection and a much-needed bath.  And so peace at La Casa de Rich and Awesome is restored . . .

For about five minutes, anyway . . .

Dr. Stefan and Mr. Silas

Even underwater and about three-quarters dead, Stefan Salvatore can’t help but be his brooding, mopey self, hallucinating conversations with Damon, in which the latter instructs him to turn off his humanity (just like he told Elena to do last season), and conversations with Elena where she tells him to keep his humanity ON.

Meanwhile, Doppelganger Silas is having FUN!

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He’s wearing (gasp) un-ironed shirts!

His hair is less Christian Bale as Batman, and more Jim Carey in the Ace Ventura movies.

He drinks police women’s blood out of styrofoam cups, and then reads their minds, just because he can  . . .

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He knocks directly into Jeremy’s recently-healed over Hunter tattoo at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, silently daring the the former killer to recognize him as Silas.

He gets all flirty with Katherine in the bathtub, and then, mere seconds later, tries to strangle her, like its the most natural thing in the world.

When she slashes his face with a straight razor, and runs away from him he seems more amused than annoyed . . . the Devil’s version of foreplay.

Whereas Klaus’ villainy came from a place of impulsivity, a hunger for power, and a subconscious need for love and attention, Silas is much more purposeful and single-minded, always appearing to be at least one step ahead of his adversaries.

When Damon instructs Jeremy and Katherine to drive far away and not tell Damon where they are going (so that Silas cannot lift that information from Damon’s mind), Silas cleverly offers up the whereabouts of Stefan (who, up until this point, Damon did not even know was missing in the first place), in exchange for Damon turning in Katherine.

But Katherine’s pretty single minded too, when it comes to saving her ass.  And she orchestrates her own escape at Jeremy’s expense, by crashing Baby Gilbert’s car, while she and Mr. Muscles are still inside.

(OK, people REALLY have to stop murdering this kid.  It’s getting old . . .)

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It’s Daddy Damon to the rescue!  He lovingly holds JerBear in his arms, and nurses him back to life, by feeding him his own blood . . .

How sweet . . . and kind of gross . . .

By the time all this is happening, Katherine, of course, is long gone . . . but for how long?  And what exactly does Silas want from her anyway?  Methinks it has something to do with that annoying ass Cure they kept babbling on about last season .  . . the same Cure that now courses through Katherine’s veins . . . making her vulnerable, yet, at the same time, valuable.

In other words . . . she’s Elena 3.0 .  . .

Ain’t No Party Like a Mystic Falls Party . . .

If I lived in Mystic Falls, one thing I would never ever do is attend a party, or memorial service, or period-themed dance, or graduation ceremony, or film showing of the movie classic, Gone with the Wind . . .

In fact, I’ve become entirely convinced that Mystic Falls parties are part of a suicide pact among Mystic Falls residents.  They attend out of some mutually held agreement to regularly thin out the population, kind of like that short story I had to read in school called The Lottery, where spoiler alert, the winning townspeople got stoned to death . . .

This year’s “End of Summer” party is no different.

Matt meets up with the pretty lady Rebekah made out with in Europe at the beginning of the episode.  The good news?  She flirts with him, and gives him back his much coveted Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality.  The bad news . . . Matt has officially become one of the ill fated Bon Temps residents from Season 2 of True Blood.  Anyone whose seen the show knows exactly what I’m talking about . . .

This is what happens to you when you let strange men sneak up behind you and give you scalp massages while chanting in Latin, Matt!

Silly boy!

So, who the heck is this Nadia check, anyway?  And why is she giving Matt the black-color contact treatment?

Feel free to post your guesses in the comment section.

In other news, this Mystic Falls Party had a super special guest speaker . . .

SURPRISE!  IT’S SILAS!

Silas’ first order of business?  Kill the Mayor?  Why?  Because it’s fun!

Also, because the Mayors on these types of shows pretty much always have to be brutally murdered.  It’s like Supernatural Teen Show Rule Number 1.

Sorry Bonnie.  The bad news is that this show clearly hates you.  The good news.  Now you have a ghost dad!  Ghost Dads are fun!  Just ask Bill Cosby!

Next order of business, hypnotize the entire town to become your mindless Katherine Hunting Slaves .  . .

Now, admittedly that was pretty impressive.  But also kind of unnecessary.  Why didn’t Silas just brainwash Katherine, back when he had her in the tub?  She’s human after all, and presumably entirely susceptible to that sort of thing.

Then again, I guess if he did that the story would be over, and we wouldn’t have a show.  So, here’s to overly complicated plans for the murder of a single individual!  Cheers!

Next time on TVD . . .

See ya then, Fangbangers!

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The more things change . . . – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ Season 4 Premiere “Growing Pains”

[Worry not, Fangbangers!  Your TVD-cap for Episode 2, “Memorial,” will be up in under 24 hours. Feel free to suck on some hot vampire’s hand, while you’re waiting . . .]

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Don’t feel bad, Elena.  I get grouchy during my “time of month” too . . .

Welcome back, Fangbangers!  I’ve missed you . . .

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After an interminably long hiatus, it’s finally time to sharpen those fangs, and head on back to Mystic Falls .  . . a town where nobody gives two craps what your name is (unless it’s Elena Gilbert, of course), but everybody knows your blood type.

I can’t believe this show is already entering its fourth season!  It seems like only yesterday that Stefan Salvatore compelled his way into Elena Gilbert’s high school history class, and nobody noticed that he looked about 27 . . .

So much has happened since that fateful day.  Practically everyone from the original cast has died .  . . and come back . . . multiple times.

Elena dated Stefan . . .

. . . and then broke up with Stefan . . .

. . . and then dated Stefan again . . .

. . . and then broke up with Stefan again.

There were Big Bads . . . and vampire sexcapades . . . and supposedly unbreakable curses that were magically broken by a woman who suffers from severe nosebleeds . . .

And yet, through it all, Stefan remained freaking hungry . . .

Damon stayed snarky (and continued to love taking showers) . . .

Tyler still hated wearing shirts . . .

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Elena judged everyone (but only because she cared) . . .

Caroline kept getting kidnapped . . .

And we still could never figure out what Bonnie was mumbling, during all those ridiculous spells . . .

In a way, “Growing Pains,” is the start of a brand new chapter in TVD-verse.  Elena, who has always been Mystic Falls most vulnerable damsel in distress, has finally become a supernatural creature capable of kicking some serious ass . . .

And yet, when you really stop to think about it, nothing has changed at all . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

To Feed or Not to Feed . . .

The episode begins with Elena waking up in her bedroom, where her two vampire love slaves are hovering over her, looking for signs of life . . . or lack thereof.  Understandably, given the whole “drowning in a car” thing, our leading lady is a bit disoriented and distressed.

Since Elena clearly never watched last season’s TVD finale (nor did she read any of the spoilers for this episode), she has no clue what has happened to her.  This means it’s up to Salvatore Squared to give her the bad news.  In short, Elena has until the end of the day to either feed on human blood, and turn into vampire, or DIE . . . again . . . but for good, this time.

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The fact that Elena is in this situation, because Stefan saved her ex-beau / buddy Matt from the drowning car first, thereby allowing Elena to die with Damon’s vampire blood in her system, is, more or less, brushed over, for the time being.  But we’ll get back to that later.  For now, Elena’s just seriously bummed about the whole, “destined to have pointy teeth, and a sometimes veiny face” thing . . .

But WAIT . . . there may be A CURE!!!  And I bet you’ll NEVER guess who’s going to provide this cure . . .

I’ll give you a hint.  It’s not Dr. Fell . . .

. . . or Sheriff Forbes . . .

. . . it’s not even the happy woodland creatures Stefan consumes on a daily basis.

Nope, the Finder of the Cure is . . . drumroll please . . .

BONNIE BENNETT!

No wonder today’s Mystic Falls weather forecast called for nosebleeds, with a chance of dramatic fainting . . .  It all makes sense now.

There’s a new sheriff in town and he looks a lot like the Evil Priest in every single movie you’ve ever seen containing Evil Priests . . .

Who knew what a proverbial can of worms Bad!Alaric would open up, when he outed all of the town vampires to the supposedly, but not-so-much Vampire Killing Town Council?  Now, this random guy named Pastor Young, who we have never ever heard of, or seen before and will probably never see again . . .

This douche . . .

 . . . is suddenly all over, like a bad rash, firing vampire-friendly locals from their jobs (Sorry Dr. Fell and Sheriff Forbes!), including the MAYOR (?!), and kidnapping pretty much every vampire, who’s name is featured in the opening credits.

Wow . . . this town must be REALLY religious!  Where I come from, the Pastors can barely get their congregations to fill the collection plates, let alone beat-up high school students!

Sigh!  Poor Caroline!  Girlfriend gets kidnapped and tortured on this show, more than she gets laid . . . well . . . on second thought . . .

Also on the kidnapping chopping block is Saint Stefan, and Rebekah-the-Original-Perpetually-Left-Behind . . .

In fact, the only vampires who escaped Pastor Young and Company’s wrath were Damon (well, of course he did!) and Klausi-Tyler.  More on him, in a bit . . .

Newbie Almost-Vamp Elena, the second-most kidnapped person on this show, manages to escape Pastor Young’s wrath, at first.  But it isn’t long before her true fangy colors start to show, i.e. she looks like she’s suffering from the Worst Hangover EVER!   She also hates LAMPS!  I mean, like, REALLY HATES THEM!

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Wouldn’t it have been easier just to hit the light switch?

Elena tries to escape the wrath of Pastor Young, but ultimately gets decked by one of his (kind of hot) henchmen.  Not cool, Hot Henchman . . . not cool at all . . .

But wait!  I’m getting ahead of myself here.  Before Elena’s newfound vampiness led to her undoing, it helped her accomplish the most AWESOME THING EVER . . .

Thanks for the Memories . . .

Ahhh, yes!  It’s the moment us Delena fans have all been waiting for . . . the moment when Elena, eternally free from vampire compulsion, finally gets to watch one of my favorite scenes in the history of TVD.  No, I mean, literally, she gets to watch it . . . as in, they replay the entire scene, right in front of Elena . . . in 3D.  It just doesn’t get much better than that folks.

We’ll talk later about how Elena responds to the realization that Damon met her first, and sacrificed her love to Saint Stefan, long before Elena even became consciously aware of his feelings for her.  (Hint: FRUSTRATINGLY!)  But, for now, let’s just bask in the glory that is “The Very First True Declaration of Delena Love” . . .

Speaking of love interrupted . . .

In which Klausi-tyler cockblocks himself . . .

Now, I know a lot of folks out there put-off / disgusted by the concept of Klaus inhabiting Tyler’s body.  But I, for one, was kind of excited about it.  Basically, I was just interested in seeing whether Michael Trevino could pull it off . . .

When we first meet Klausi-Tyler, he’s harassing Bonnie to put him back inside his own body.  This actually surprised, and disappointed, me a little bit.  One would think that a devious villain-type like Klaus could think of all sorts of ways to put Hybrid-Boy’s Buff Body to naughty use.  After all, we all remember how much fun Klaus had being Alaric, back in the day . . .

By comparison, what Klaus ended up doing with Tyler’s body was actually pretty tame. Though, I must admit, I giggled at Klausi-Tyler’s typical teenage reaction to having a mother who actually liked him . . . you know as opposed to his own mother, who tried to wipe his entire race from the face of the Earth . .  .

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When Klausi-Tyler finds out from his mother that Caroline’s been kidnapped, he ambushes the car carrying her and his sister, and stages a dramatic rescue . . . Let me rephrase that . . . he stages a dramatic rescue of Caroline.  It looks like Poor Rebekah is going to have to tough it out with the crazy vampire hating cult for just a bit longer . . .

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Caroline didn’t seem to notice though.  To say the young blonde was appreciative of the man she thought was dead for springing her from the pokey is the understatement of the century . . .

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That’s right, Forwood / Karoline fans, our favorite little Vampire Barbie rode that sexy body snatcher harder than a jockey at the Kentucky Derby . . .

Now, I know what most of you are thinking.  This has gotta be Klausi-Tyler’s dream come true, right?  I mean, hasn’t Klaus been trying to get his “stake” inside Caroline, ever since that fateful day when he made Tyler almost kill her, so that he could save her life?  I mean, we’re not honestly supposed to believe that Klaus drew those pictures of Caroline with the pony just because he’s a “nice guy,” are we?

And yet, moments into the scene Klausi-tyler STOPS Caroline from screwing him, by complaining that he’s using the “wrong equipment,” and by calling her Klaus’ telltale nickname, “Love.”

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I’m confused.  “Wrong equipment?”  What exactly does Klaus think Tyler has between his legs . . . a baseball bat . . . a vajayjay? Seriously!

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I don’t know.  I just find it hard to believe that Klaus, the same guy who’s killed his parents and siblings multiple times over was simply too “honorable” to pork Caroline under false pretenses . . .

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And Caroline . . . since when has she become so perceptive, that she could ferret out a body snatcher through the use of a single word?  In the finale, Klausi-tyler made an entire cheesy speech about how glorious life is, that Tyler wouldn’t be caught dead uttering.  And Caroline didn’t suspect a thing!

Meanwhile, back in the “witch” portion of our program . . .

Mumble, mumble, nosebleed, mumble . . .

Blah, de blah, dark magic, blah . . . Bonnie is busy trying to kill herself, so that she could bring Elena’s human soul back from the great beyond.  Jeremy, who’s soul purpose lately, has been to hold Bonnie’s hands, and look mildly concerned, while she does this, is dubious.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, JerBear HATES vampires, and certainly doesn’t want his sister to become one.

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But all those bloody noses!  Gross!  Surely, there must be another way . . . right?

Meanwhile, back at the cattle farm, where Crazy Vampire Cult is storing our main characters . . . no I’m not joking about this . . . they really used a cattle farm . . .

Stefan and Elena are declaring their undying love for one another through jail bars, while Elena death rattles dramatically, having not fed on blood for nearly a day now.  In a nearby cell Rebekah watches the lovebirds, alternating between nauseated annoyance, and jealousy that nobody seems willing to tell Rebekah how awesome SHE is, even when she’s looking like total crap . . .

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Suddenly, DarkMagic!Bonnie appears in the cell, and grabs Elena’s hand, ready to save the day, once again.  Until her grandma randomly pops up (remember her?), and tells her dark magic is WRONG!

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So, Bonnie just leaves . . .

Damn!  You mean to tell me, I had to watch all those disgusting nosebleeds for nothing?  I’m pissed . . .

Back in her hole and under duress, Bonnie calls upon dark magic again to put Klaus and Tyler back in their own bodies . . . even though we were led to believe that the only reason Klaus was in Tyler’s body, in the first place, was that his was burned to a crisp, in the season finale.

Of course, grandma is pissed again . . .

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“Sorry Grams!  It’s been two whole seasons since I accidentally killed you, while servicing vampires.  Time to pay the piper . . .”

But then the dark magic takes her soul, so we don’t have to listen to her lectures anymore.  Sorry Bonnie!  It looks like you’re going to be eternally cursed, DESPITE having doomed Elena to a life of either death or vampirism . . . Oh well!  Can’t win em all . . .

But hey, at least the British guy is back in his own body.  I was really missing that delicious accent . . .

Blood . . . it’s finger-licking good . . .

Back at Vampire Alcatraz, Damon is storming the gates outside, using Whipping Boy Matt as bait.

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You see, Damon’s been playing a bit of the blame game with Matt for the whole “surviving” when Elena didn’t thing . . . which, I guess is a sort of reversal on the whole concept of “survivor’s guilt.”

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Inside the jail, Hot Henchman has his hands full with Stefan and Rebekah, who have decided to join forces and go on the attack.  Sorry, Hot Henchman, it looks like your destined to become Elena Food.  Not a bad idea, Stefan and Rebekah . . . but couldn’t you have killed Hot Henchman closer to Elena’s cell?  Poor dying girlfriend, had to practically pry the bars open with her hands, just to get a taste off of the dirty cattle poop floor.  (FIVE SECOND RULE!)

But taste she did . . .

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Mmmm . . . tastes like a dead guest star . . .

It was a scene that was both beautifully shot, and painful to watch at the same time.  And, while I understand how ultimately Elena’s vampire instincts kicked in, and played a role in her choice, I would have liked to see her struggle just a bit more with her ultimate decision, especially considering how dead-set against becoming a vampire she’s been, since day 1 . . . so much so, that she’s, multiple times, chosen death over sprouting fangs . . .

In the very next scene, Damon, who has disposed of his own “Hot Henchman,” is about to kill a rather pathetic looking Matt for having the audacity to be saved first, when this happens . . .

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“Great.  Now it’s official.  All of my ex-girlfriends can kick my ass.”

Don’t ask me how Elena got out of her cell . . . just go with it OK.

It looks like Mystic Falls has a new damsel in distress, and it’s not Elena.

But back to Elena, she and Damon have a bit of a heart-to-heart about those precious compulsion memories we saw her regaining earlier on in the hour.  She now knows she met him first . . . that he sacrificed his love for her . . . that he’d always put her life before anyone elses . . . especially Matt and Bonnie . . . that if Damon had been on that bridge on that fateful night, she wouldn’t have ever had to make the choice to become a vampire . . .

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And she doesn’t give a sh*t . . .

Wait . . . that’s a bit harsh . . . For the record, I do think Elena was touched by the memories she regained about Damon.  And I do think that they’ve changed the way she views him, and feels about him.  But, for now, too much in her life has changed, for her to suddenly swap Salvatore Brothers too.

So, for now, Elena commits herself to Stefan . . . the guy who always respects her choices . . . no matter how stupid they might be . . .

Sibling Stakery . . .

Back at Klaus house, Rebekah is mad hurt at her brother for  leaving her to rot in cow jail with the World’s Most Nauseatingly Sweet Couple.  When she tells him that, through the centuries, she has truly been the only one to support him through thick and thin, she has a point.

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And I think her words really do touch Klaus’ heart, in a way he wasn’t quite expecting . . .

But then she uses Klaus’ last vials of Elena’s hybrid making blood as spray cans, and all bets are off . . .

He stakes her ass . . . well . . . actually he stakes her back . . . but, you know what I mean . . .

So much for brotherly love . . .

Now, that I wasn’t expecting . . .

Elsewhere, in Cult-Hate-a-Vampire, Pastor Young declares a “new beginning” to his followers quest to end vampirism, seconds before he blows up himself and all his minions, with a lit match and some gas . . .

“Oooh, fire pretty . . .”

Wait, WHAT?

Welcome to the world of underwhelming “Big Bads,” who die, after just one episode, Pastor Young . . .

And they all live bloodily ever after . . .

Back on the rooftop, Elena and Stefan are having a “moment,” that’s highly reminiscent of all those sweetly sappy scenes they shared together, in early Season 1 . . . you know, back before the series got really good.   They just WUV eachother so much . . . and Elena is suddenly thrilled with the idea of spending an eternity with Stefan, even if she has to eat people, in order to do it.

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Yes, Elena has chosen Stefan.  Klaus has chosen himself.  Caroline has chosen Tyler.  Bonnie has chosen to bloody her nose.  And Damon, well he’s understandably pissed off about the whole thing . . .

The more things change, the more they stay the same . . .

Next week on TVD, Elena learns about the joys of vampire sex, cannibalism, and making out with Damon Salvatore’s hand . . .

Something tells me I’m going to like next week’s episode way more than I liked this one . . .

Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Should old acquaintences be forgotten? – A Mini-Recap of Boardwalk Empire’s Season 3 Premiere “Resolution”

Pop open that bottle of champagne, and start singing Auld Lang Syne, because another New Year has just begun in Atlantic City.  It’s 1923.  And despite the fact that some of our “old acquaintances” have gone “mysteriously missing” (R.I.P. Jimmy and Angela Darmody) . . .

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Here at TV Recappers, we still think it could shape up to be a pretty awesome year.  Below are ten reasons why . . .

Because (be honest) you didn’t know what a 3-in-1 was either . . .

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Meet Gyp Rosetti.  He just got a flat tire on the way to AC.  To add insult to injury, now one of his henchman is sassing him, by indirectly implying that he’s an idiot for not knowing that 3-in-1 is another name for oil.  (Well, I didn’t know that.  Did you know that?)  So, Gyp Rossetti does what any of us would do in such a situation.  He beats the guy to death with a tire iron, and then “inherits” his adorable dog.  Wait . . . WHAT?

We’ve all seen this kind of thing before, in mob movies . . . a scene designed to show the mobster’s volatile temperament, his mean streak, and his penchant for bashing the crap out of things with tire irons and/or bats and/or pistols.  Deniro did it in The Untouchables . . .

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Pesci did it in Goodfellas . . .

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But neither of them adopted a dog at the end of the scene.  And dogs make everything better, don’t they?  Yes, even tire-iron beatings . . .

Because you are as baffled as I am that Mickey Doyle has managed to survive yet another episode . . .

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From the moment he pulled the trigger on surrogate son, Jimmy Darmody, we all knew it was only a matter of time, before Nucky Thompson fully embraced his gangster persona.  We see that persona, in full force, as we watch Nucky interrogate a rather pitiful looking thief, who had the misfortune of stealing booze from Mickey Doyle’s warehouse, while the latter was out taking a leak.  “Which one of you was doing your job?”  Nucky asks pointedly, in a line of questioning that alternately rewards the thief for his “work ethic,” while decrying Mickey Doyle’s inability to “keep it in his pants” until after his shift is over.

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“Ooh,” we’re all thinking to ourselves.  “Mickey Doyle is really going to get it this time.”

After all, this is the guy that’s been thrown off a balcony by Jimmy, and beaten within an inch of his life, by pretty much every gangster on this show.  Mickey Doyle is a cat with nine lives, but he already seems to have used up at least seven of them . . .

Make that eight, because despite Nucky’s seeming respect for the thief, it wasn’t enough to keep him from having Manny Horvitz shoot the latter in the head, moments after he gave up the name of his accomplice.  And Mickey?  Well, it seems that he will live to be bad at his job, another day . . .

Because Jimmy Darmody would be rolling over in his grave, if he knew his kid was calling that wackadoodle “Mommy” . . .

Oh little Tommy.  I’ve got some good news for you, and some bad news.  The good news is that you’re a cute kid.  Both of your parents were hot, and that makes you a winner of the gene lottery.  Here’s some more good news.  You’ve got the Best Caretaker Ever in Richard Harrow  . . . a guy who, not only, will take you to the carnival, whenever you want to go, he will also win you every prize in the place, because he’s an excellent shot (more on that later).

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But here’s the bad news.  You’re grandmother’s a TOTAL nutbar.  She’s raising you in a whorehouse, and forcing you to call her “Mommy.”  You might not remember this, Tommy, but things didn’t exactly work out so well for the last guy who called Gillian Darmody “Mom.”

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Here are a couple of tips for you, Tommy.  Stay away from the Nutbar.  Keep Harrow by your side.  And emancipate yourself from the whorehouse the minute you’re old enough to buy your own juice boxes . . .

Because you knew Nucky was boning Billie Kent, the minute she drank out of his champagne glass . . .

Every good gangster has a mistress.  Now, Nucky Thompson, is no exception . .  .

I don’t know.  I get that Margaret can be a bit of a cold fish sometimes.  And I’m sure Nucky is still holding a grudge against his wife for the whole “gave my multi-million dollar tract of land to the church” thing.  But I just can’t support this Billy Kent person.  She just seems a bit too Lucy Danziger 2: Electric Boogaloo for my taste.

Maybe he should go a blonde, or a red head, next time . . .

Because Van Alden is getting better and better, every day, and in every way (just ask him) . . .

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It’s not easy being a salesman.  Just ask Arthur Miller, and now, Van Alden, who is still living under the assumed name of “George Mueller” with his baby’s caretaker, who, sometime in the past year, made a little mini-Van Alden of her own with him . . . weird.

The way to every woman’s heart, is her through her lemon . . .

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Apparently, being a door-to-door iron salesman is the 1923 equivalent of telemarketing.  Nobody wants your product, and everyone is constantly slamming the door in your face.  Given all that, you can certainly understand why Van Alden’s “I’m great.  I’m wonderful.  Everybody likes me,” daily affirmations have done little to lift his spirits.

But Van Alden’s luck might just be changing, when he unwittingly saves an enemy of Al Capone’s from meeting his demise on New Year’s Eve.  By way of thanking him, the proud gangster purchases no less than TWENTY FOUR of Van Alden’s ridiculous irons.  (I guess they could be used as weapons . . . just ask Gyp Rosetti).  Van Alden is thrilled, believing that this windfall will be enough to win him the coveted Salesman Prize, which will give him enough loot to buy the “wife and kids” a new house . . .

Unfortunately, just like Charlie Brown, Van Alden seems like one of those guy’s who’s destined to have the football pulled out from under him, just when he’s about to kick the field goal.  One of the poor guy’s colleagues ends up taking the prize, based on a technicality, leaving Van Alden to shuffle home empty handed.

DOH!

Somewhere in Heaven, Agent Sebso is pumping his fist in triumph.  “That’s what you get for baptize/murdering me,” he cries.

Because that little dog is your new favorite character on the show (obviously) . . .

What can I say?  I’m a sucker for a cold wet nose.  And as much as I would have loved to see the tough-as-nails Gyp Rosetti cuddling a cute pooch with one hand, while kicking the crap out of people with another, for an entire season, for the pup’s sake, I’m kind of glad he ended up giving the canine to Mrs. Schroeder-Thompson, toward the end of the episode.  Somehow, I just can’t picture Tire-Iron Killer Guy cleaning up dog poop, and buying kibble . . .

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Because Al Capone and Nucky Thompson make New Years’ Resolutions they know they can’t keep (just like YOU!)

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Forget “losing ten pounds” and “exercising more,” when a gangster makes a New Year’s Resolution, lives are typically at stake, when he inevitably breaks it.   And, if history is any indication, I’m thinking Al Capone’s resolution to “think first, kill later,” and Nucky’s promise to “only sell liquor to Arnold Rothstein,” aren’t going to last much past midnight on January 1st . . .

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Because you’ve been secretly wishing all year that someone would invite you to a party, where they give out free gold jewelry to everyone in attendance . . .

Now, I get that the Thompson’s New Year’s Party was “Egyptian-themed.”  But honestly, couldn’t they have found a cheaper way to pay homage to King Tut, than giving their 100 plus party guests gold baubles.  For example, they could have dressed Driver Eddie up as a mummy, by wrapping him in toilet paper.  Or they could have made everyone wear those stupid pharaoh hats.

Just sayin . . .

Because you are secretly hoping Margaret is still humping Owen Sleater, and you fear this makes you a Bad Person . . .

Right . . . because Owen’s inquiry to Margaret about whether the house needed “more champagne,” wasn’t TOO filled with sexual innuendo, was it?

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I mean, as sexy is This Guy might be . . .

. . . can you really blame Margaret for seeking out the “pot of gold” at the end of this rainbow . . .

Show me your Lucky Charms, Owen . . .

 

Because you may or may not have clapped when Richard Harrow got his revenge against Manny Horvitz, and you KNOW this makes you a Bad Person . . .

Don’t wait up, Mrs. Manny Horvitz.  Something tells me, the Butcher won’t be home for dinner . . .

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Until next time, my fellow Boardwalkians . . .

Unknown Caller – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ Season 3 Premiere “It Happened That Night”

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Sorry, A!  It looks like we are going to have to save that request for Pretty Little Liars: Spring Break Edition . . . or at least until PLL gets picked up by HBO.

Welcome back, my Pretties!  Long time, no “A.” . . .

Let’s see, it’s been five months in Rosewood Time (and about three months in Real Time) . . .

 . . .  since the erstwhile social pariah, turned Queen B, turned psychotic lunatic with a text-messaging addiction, Mona van der Waal donned her evil black hoodie, and evil-er raccoon eye makeup, and took a long leap into a short ditch, but, miraculously, didn’t die.

So, what have our favorite PLL’s been doing during all this supposedly A-free time?  Let’s review, shall we?

Nightmare on Spencer’s Street 

Nearly two years ago, to the day, the pilot episode of PLL bean with what ended up being the Worst High School Sleepover Party EVER!  Sure, everything started out normal enough.  There was gossip, girly pop music, ambiguous liquor being consumed out of not-so-ambiguous red cups . . .

But then Ali snuck out for a quicky with Creepy Pedo Ian, and the rest is, for lack of a better term, “history.” . . .

And how do the girls plan on commemorating the proud day when their bestie got her head bashed in by a shovel?  By throwing another slumber party, of course!

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We get a creepy sense of deja vu as the girls listen to Rihanna (By the way, does anybody remember what pop song was playing during the pilot?), while drinking from those all-too-familiar red plastic cups, and discussing the summer that recently passed.  Emily spent her summer building homes in Haiti, where, at least according to Hanna, up to 50 people can live in one house.  (If that’s true, I wonder how many bathrooms she built.)  Aria and Spencer took college courses, while Hanna had an obscene amount of sex took cooking classes with Caleb.

What’s cooking, good looking? 

Just to remind the fans that she (or he, or they) is still around, “A” instructs the girls, via text message, to expose their tatas to the viewing audience.  Clever!  Maybe the real “A” is a dude, after all . . .

In hindsight, I think the point of the text was to foreshadow that the girls were under close surveillance by at least one member of the so-called “A” team.  But at the time it just made me giggle . . . you know, because they said “boobs” on the “Good Little Christian Channel” that is ABC Family . . . also, because I’m 12 . . .

Emily, who has been getting progressively drunker by the minute (By the way, Drunk Emily = My New Favorite Character on this show), thinks the whole “show your boobs” thing is a Great Idea!  And if this show actually had any male fans, I suspect they would too.

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Now, in most cases (with the exception, perhaps, of during Mardi Gras0, when a woman starts offering to expose herself in public, that’s a pretty good indicator that she should be cut off, liquor-wise.  “Nahhhh, you just keep getting sh*tfaced,” decides Hanna.

And why not?  After all Drunken Exhibitionist Emily is SOO much more fun than the mopey sober one, who whines aout Maya being dead / missing all the time.

On second thought, I may have spoken a bit too soon.  In the course of about a minute, Emily morphs from being a slightly jaded, but still hilarious drunk, to a killjoy depressive drunk.  (Isn’t that always how it works?)  When Spencer brightly tries to engage the girls in a toast to their upcoming senior year . . .

 . . .  Debbie owner Emily reminds them all that Maya will never get to be a senior . . . you know, because she’s like . . . dead . . . and stuff.

(Don’t fret, Emily!)  Maya DID make it to her senior year .  . . about ten years ago . . .  on Dawson’s Creek.

Now, it’s the middle of the night, Aria and a very hungover Hanna (Both girls must have been pretty hammered to fall asleep with their boots on . . . SOOO uncomfortable) . . .

 . . . wake up to find the front door to Spencer’s home open, and both Spencer and Emily MIA.

As if on cue, Spencer rushes own the stairs to inform the girls that Emily is, in fact, gone.  (Sound familiar?)

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Yes, Spencer, you looked everywhere . . . including upstairs, even though the most obvious place to look for Emily was OUTSIDE considering that the DOOR WAS WIDE OPEN.

And you’re supposed to be the Smart One!

Now, Spencer has always been my favorite little liar . . . after Hanna . . . and now Drunk Emily.  But even I have to admit, her actions throughout this scene were SUPER SHADY with a capital “SUPER,” especially considering that she was also the first PLL to notice that the now-dead Ali was missing the summer prior.

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First off, why didn’t Spencer think to call Emily’s cell phone, the minute she noticed she was missing . . . like Hanna does, just moments after she awakens.  Oh wait . . . she did . . . only she blocked her number from Emily’s phone.  Spencer, of course, claims to have no memory of this call.  She claims that someone must have come into the house and made the call, while she was asleep.  o we believe her?  For now, I think we do.  But it’s still mighty suspicious . . .

The Grave Mistake

Anyway, back to Drunk Emily.  Now, when some people get wasted, they black out and wind up in bed with inappropriate people.  Other people get waste, black out, and end up getting married at an Elvis Chapel in Vegas.  Still others get wasted, black out, and wake up in a pool of their own vomit.  Emily’s fate was worse than two of these options . . .

Hey, Ali.  Aren’t we a little too old for Hide and Seek?

I think we can probably assume, based on what we learn later in the episode that the A-team somehow further drugged Emily, shoved her in the trunk of one of their cars (Blind Jenna’s), drove her to the cemetery, dug up the body, then pulled Emily out of the trunk of the car, handed her the shovel and drove away.  That said, I’m not quite sure why Emily’s reaction to all this was to stand like a zombie over the empty coffin, still holding the shovel, from the time Hanna called her to the time the girls finally arrived at the cemetery to pick her up.

Nevertheless, the PLL girls, who’ve gotten pretty adept at cleaning up crime scenes, quickly wipe Emily’s prints off the offending shovel, and get the f*&k out of there.  For some reason, and I don’t exactly recall why, the group splits up.  Spencer and Emily return to Spencer’s house, to engage in a rather homoerotic exchange, in which Spencer demands that Emily strip for her, so that the former can burn her clothes, which can now be construed as evidence.  (Hey!  It looks like Emily got to show someone her boobs, after all!)

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Elsewhere, Hanna and Aria are shocked to find a new-and-not-so-improved Lucas (now with facial hair!) lurking around town in the middle of the night.  Could Lucas be a part of the mysterious “A” team?

Only time (and a few more episodes) will tell.

Anywhoo, Boss Woman Spencer unilaterally decides that the girls will all head to her creepy lakehouse (a.k.a. the place where Hanna and Caleb had sex on Spencer’s nanna’s couch), and claim to have spend the night there, thus providing them with an alibi for the grave robbing for which at least one of them looks extremely guilty . . .

You know what they say . . . if the shovel fits . . .

And it’s a good thing too, because, sure enough, the next morning, Ali’s body snatching is all across small-town news, and the girls need to have their story straight, when they are inevitably questioned by the cops about it . . .

Hmmm . . . so, let’s see.  What else happened this week?

Cooking with Caleb

Hanna talked dirty to Caleb . . . something about dongs . . . or is it “dong po.”  The pair cooked together, while Hanna fibbed about going to the shrink, when she’s actually been visiting Crazy Pants Mona this entire summer.  Caleb, of course, assumed that Hanna spent much of her time in therapy talking about him, because, and I quote “We are intimate.”

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In other news, Caleb now needs to turn in his Man Card, because, in the course of a single episode, he grocery shopped, used the word “intimate” to describe something other than underwear, and cooked a meal with a name that sounds specifically similar to a very private part of the male anatomy . . .

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In other couples’ news .  . .

In which Abs Toby gives Spencer a blue shirt (and blue something else) . . .

Abs Toby is a TOTAL TEASE!  First he parades around Spencer’s bedroom wet and half-naked all summer.  Then he lets her wear his shirt, and DENIES HER SEX.  (I’d say Toby has to turn in his Man Card too . . . but I can’t.  I mean, LOOK at those abs .  . .

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Speaking of Spencer, I should also note that, throughout the episode she gets calls from a blocked phone number, though she seems to know exactly who’s calling each time.  She keeps these calls a secret from the girls and Toby though, all of which makes her seem even more shady . . .

Eventually, we learn that those calls are actally coming from Police Boy Garrett, who seems to be using all his limited phone privileges on the little liar, who probably hates him the most.  So, I guess that means conjugal visits were probably out of the question . . .

“A police boy can dream, can’t he?” 

But more on those two, a bit later.  First we have to talk about Aria and her “thing” with bathrooms . . .

“Hey, remember that time you and I almost banged in a dirty bar bathroom?  Good times!”

Meanwhile, over in Ezria land, Fitzy cleverly decides to remind Aria that this day is not just the day her friend’s rotten decaying corpse was stolen from the ground . . . nor is it the anniversary of the day that same friend was bludgeoned to death . . . it’s also the anniversary of the day the two of them met in a bar, and, moments later, almost got VD by banging in a dirty bar bathroom . . .

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Given those oh-so-fond memories, you would think that Aria would really LIKE bathrooms . . . but . . . apparently not.  Apparently, bathrooms give Aria panic attacks.

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No offense, Fitzy . . .

Anywhoo Aria’s and Fitzy’s plans to “Recreate the Date” of their first public restroom screw, are foiled when Aria gets called in by the cops for questioning about the disappearance of Ali’s body.  Mommy is there, when Aria’s finished.  And she has some not-so-kind words to say to Fitzy, while Aria’s isn’t around to hear them.

“HISSSSSSSS!”

(Did I mention that Mommy Montgomery and Daddy Montgomery are getting a divorce?  At least we won’t have to watch them making out anymore.  Yuck.)  Nevertheless, the two Aria lovers manage to retract their claws temporarily for Aria’s sake, and even agree to a sit down dinner date.  How very mature of them all . . . even the underage one . . .

OMG!  Psych Ward Mona is creepy.  Why the heck would Hanna . . .  WREEEEEENNNNN!

In slightly less happy couple news, Hanna just can’t seem to “quit” Mona, even though the latter pretty much ruined her entire life, and possibly tried to have her killed on more than one occasion.  Unbeknownst to the rest of the PLL girls (though she eventually comes clean later in the episode), she’s been visiting the wackadoo at what appears to be the psych ward from Every Bad Horror Movie Ever .  . . all the way down to the pee-colored yellow walls, saggy beds, and, of course, dirty chairs.  Hang out too long in a place like this, and if you aren’t already crazy, you’ll be there in a month or so .  . .

“Mona, girlfriend.  You’ve gotta cut those split ends from your hair.  And the big baggy white nuthouse nightgown look is SOOOO last season.” 

I’ve seen toilet bowl seats that were cleaner than this . . . 

So as not to clue anyone from town into her visits, Hanna’s been seeing Mona under a fake last name . . . wait for it . . . Rivers.  I guess Caleb Rivers would probably be amused to know this . . . after all, the two ARE “intimate” . . .

Of all the PLL girls, Hanna was, by far, the closest to Mona.  She truly considered the girl a friend, having confided many secrets in her, as the pair traveled the ranks of popularity together.

This makes Mona’s betrayal wound Hanna much deeper than the other girls.  And so she finds herself in desperate need of closure.  She needs to know why.

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Unfortunately for Hanna, Mona isn’t exactly in the closure-giving mood, lately.  Rather, she is in the stare at the wall blankly and drool mood.  In fact, the only time we get any sort of reaction from Mona, is the SUPER CREEPY smile she gets on her face when she hallucinates “Ali” reading Lolita, in the chair behind Hanna.

Is Mona for real?  Is she faking it?  There’s one scene in the episode, in which Mona rises to watch Hanna converse with the doctors and nurses outside Mona’s door, that seems to suggest that is exactly what she is doing.

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“PEEKABOO, I SEEEE YOUUUUU!”

But one thing is for sure, Mona didn’t act alone as “A.”  In fact, the girls can pinpoint at least two times during which Mona COULDN’T have done the things that “A” did.  One of them was the time “A” snuck into Emily’s spa session and massaged her.  (Mona was with Hanna at the time.)  The second one was moving Ian’s hanging body from the bell tower.

“Just hanging out.”

Mona simply isn’t strong enough for that.  The question, of course, is who was helping Mona complete these tasks, and more importantly why.  The seeming lack of motive for these torture sessions are the most confusing thing about them.

But enough about that.  Let’s talk about WREEEENNNNNNN!

Wren’s position as the Only Doctor in Rosewood, apparently extend to psych wards.  (When does this guy sleep?)  For a guy with romantic feelings for Spencer, Wren seems oddly invested in Mona’s fate, even going as far as to personally call Hanna on the phone to  ensure that she continues visiting the looney tune.

Next week, we’ll learn that Wren’s father suffered from mental illness (schizophrenia, perhaps?).   I have to say, I kind of love the writers for taking the time to explore, and provide a back story for this seemingly side character . . . And not just because he’s super hot, and has an adorable accent . . . well,  maybe 95% of my interest has to do with that.  But the last 5% is totally intellectual, I swear! 😉

Speaking of the boys of PLL, what’s the deal with Lucas?  I used to ship him with Hanna.  And now, all the sudden, much like Mona, he’s wandering around town disaffected and zombified.  (Perhaps, being part of the A-team means becoming a zombie.  That would be an interesting supernatural twist on this mystery, wouldn’t it?)

That said, I have to say, the black clothes, and slight facial hair, really work for this guy.   He looks so dark and tortured now.  Sexy . . .

Why Emily needs Ginko-Baloba

Speaking of people who have been a little off lately, Emily definitely seems to be going off the rails a bit.  On registration day at school, she hangs back from the girls, staring at the longingly from outside the school.

(What’s with all the creepy staring in this episode?)

 Upon meeting with her old pal, and sort-of/kind of erstwhile boyfriend, Abs Toby, Emily admits to having developed quite the little drinking problem over the summer.  In fact, the opening scene of the episode, is far from the first time she’s blacked out,  “lost time,” and awoken to find that she’s done something she wouldn’t normally do .  . . you know, like have sex with inappropriate people, get married in Vegas, or sleep in your own vomit.

Abs Toby, being Abs Toby is super supportive, and not-at-all judgmental of Emily, which is exactly what she needs right now.  He tells her that her friends love her for who she is . . . a drunk, who’s sometimes slutty, and possibly enjoys digging up dead bodies,  just as much as she enjoys building homes in Haiti.

Back at home, we see that much of Emily’s problem is that she still really hasn’t adjusted to Maya’s disappearance.   We watch as she sadly wraps one of Maya’s picture, with a scarf the latter gave her, back when the two started dating.

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Man, this episode is depressing . . .

In brighter news, Emily’s memory from at least one of her drunken blackout moments seems to be coming back to her.  Out for a head-clearing jog, Emily sees a car (It’s actually the same one we saw the no longer blind Jenna driving, back in the season finale.) . . .

 . . .  and distinctly remembers being stuck in it’s trunk on the night of the grave robbing.  She’ll get her answers yet.   If she can stop getting wasted long enough to comprehend them . . .

In which Police Boy Garrett begs for Spencer’s help, upon learning that all those rumors about jailhouses and dropped soap are 100% true.

Speaking of wasted, Police Boy Garrett is in bad shape.  The guy who used to bone both Blind Jenna, and B*tch Sister Melissa, positively reeks of desperation, when Spencer visits him in his jail cell, after he’s called her phone about a dozen times from the pokey.  One sight that Police Boy is in trouble, the new hairdo . . . it’s kind of sexy, in a badass sort of way.  And if I like it, you can be assured that the other inmates do too, if you catch my drift.

Watch out, Police Boy.  I hear some of your cell mates are really big fans of The Lizzie McGuire Movie.

Apparently, Police Boy’s defense lawyers had just petitioned the exhumation of Ali’s body, claiming that something on her year-long rotted corpse could prove his innocence.  This means that the “A” team in which he used to be a part, severely betrayed him by taking the body, quite possibly to protect themselves.  It puts him in a unique position to help the PLL girls, if they trust him enough to let him.  Police Boy Garrett tries to bargain with Spencer.  He’ll tell her what she knows, if she gets her mother to help with his defense.  You know, because Spencer’s mom is “the best lawyer in the country,” or something.

“In the words of Harvey Levin from TMZ, I’m a lawyer!” 

Understandably, Spencer isn’t too thrilled about helping the guy who almost got HER put behind bars for the exact same murder.  And yet, as she leaves the jail cell, there is something Police Boy Garrett say that gives her pause . . .

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He doesn’t know crap about Maya though, who he also supposedly killed.  I’m starting to think her death/disappearance might be completely unrelated to this whole “A” thing . . .

Field Trip to Creepo Motel

In other keeping secrets news, we learn that Spencer’s has been spending her spare time visiting, and trying to recreate “A’s” lair, which we got to see in last season’s finale.  Apparently, the place had been cleared out, pretty much instantaneously upon Mona’s arrest, and not by the cops either.  Spencer immediately suspects the  highly suspicious chick who dressed up the black swan at the girls’ junior prom.  You know, because everyone knows the Black Swan is ALWAYS NUTS!

Toward the end of the episode, the girls decide to take a little trip down to the place, to see what they can remember.  But when they emerge from the hotel, they have a little surprise waiting for them . . .

Ending episode scenes of PLL have always been my favorite parts of the episode, and this one is no exception.  You’ve really gotta love the CRAZY of these A people.  We find the car the PLL girls arrived in, open on all sides and positively littered with incriminating images of the girls at the cemetery the night of Ali’s grave robbing.  Once again, “A” appears to be all places at all times.  And if the message she (or he, or they) delivers to the girls at the end of the episode is any indication, New A means serious business.   “Mona played with dolls.   I play with body parts.  Game on, b*tches. – A.”

Quite a leap, from “Show me your boobs, right?”

Next week on PLL . . . (By the way, as always, the Canadian promo is about ten times better than the American one.  What gives, USA?)

Until next time, my Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]