Hello Darkness, My Old Friend – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Silverfinger”

 

 

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Konnichiwa, Werebangers!  This past week, on a heavily Eastern Mythology-inspired episode of Teen Wolf, Scott and Kira read a children’s book together . . .

 

“I’m not a great reader.  But I’m very good at looking at pictures.”

Isaac dressed up like one of the bad guys from The Matrix . . .

 

 

Lydia . .  . did nothing, because she wasn’t in the episode.

And in earth-shattering, climactic news, Stiles . . .

. . . killed a firefly.

 

Perhaps, more than any episode in the 3B block, “Silverfinger” was, at its heart, an origin story.  Nothing fleshes out a hero more than a Great Origin Story.  It shows us what drives and motivates this character . . . how he came to be the living, breathing entity you are watching on screen.

But what about the Villain?  Too often writers don’t care enough about their villains to give them a satisfactory Origin Story.  Rather, their motivations for wreaking havoc are hastily explained in the moments before their demise at the hands of the hero.

Writers neglect their villains at their peril.  Because the viewing public loves a solid villain, one with specific dreams, goals and disappointments, beyond the usual “Plans for World Domination.”  Cool villains like the The Joker, Loki,  and Magneto make their protagonist counterparts more interesting, and their inevitable final encounters more epic.  In short,  it’s  the ultimate love / hate relationship . . . a twisted romance of sorts.

Now, I’m not saying that the Oni and Nogitsune we met this week, are particularly well fleshed out yet.  I mean, we aren’t even sure what the latter looks like.  And though there are five of the former, we still can’t tell them apart . . .kind of like those pesky not-so-Alpha twins.  Yet both of these baddies,  actually have fairly solid motivations for doing what they do.

 

“It’s complicated.”

The Oni are kind of like cops.  As far as they are concerned, the Nogitsune is seriously bad dude, a dark spirit that infects society with evil.  Is it so wrong them, for these guys to hunt it down and try to destroy it?  I mean, they are even learning from past mistakes and trying to minimize harm.  Back in the day, they used to just kill everybody, in hopes that one of them would be the Nogitsune.

 

“In hindsight, we might have overreacted just a bit.”

But now they test people first.  If they aren’t evil, they get a nice little neck tattoo and can go on their merry way.  That’s a pretty humane practice for a bunch of so-called super villains?  Don’t you think?

As for the Nogitsune, we’re told he’s this awful guy.  But so far, all he’s been doing is hiding from the Oni and trying his best to stay alive.  Wouldn’t each of us do the same thing, if some pesky fire fly guys were trying to kill us?

See . . . it’s all a matter of perspective, folks.  Let’s keep that in mind as we review, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to my Evil Genius Screencapper Andre,who is deftly plotting his path toward World Domination, one screenshot of shirtless men at a time . . .]

A Long Time Ago, We Used to Be Friends . . .

When Papa Argent first encountered the Oni (i.e. the new word we learned this week for the Firefly Guys), he wasn’t the badass Mr. Mom he is today.  Rather, he was a strapping young arms dealer, just trying to please his old man, by striking a deal with the Japanese Mafia.

 

“I’m way too attractive not to get my own prequel . . .”

Enter the Oni, whose idea of successfully closing a deal is killing everyone on the other side of it.

 

 

 

“Say hello to your intestines leaking out of your body.”

What a waste of some seriously swanky suits!

And then there was one left . . . and, as luck would have it, he was the one the Oni were searching for all along.

 

“I feel pretty.  Oh so pretty.  I feel pretty and witty and bright.  And I pity any yakuza who isn’t me tonight!”

This one supposedly had a dark spirit inside of him, and some awesome magical powers. But the only thing “impressive” I saw about him was impossibly large teeth and some bad cataracts.  He growled and made a lot of noise, but ultimately Nogitsune 1 died without putting up much of a fight.

 

 

“When are people going to learn that throwing your arms out and embracing the world pretty much guarantees you aren’t going to make it out of the end credits alive.”

Or did he?  Because I have this sneaking suspicion that a very important part of this story is missing.  And the Ole Horse Teeth was nothing more than a pawn in the Real Nogitsune’s game . . .

But, of course, we can forgive Papa Argent for being a bit hazy on the details.  After all, he was young (and hot) and spent most of the experience peeing himself behind a rock . . .

Then Young Papa Argent shot an Oni in the mask, and learned he had no face, which pretty much makes the Oni the Japanese Cousins of the soul-sucking Dementors from Harry Potter . . .

This little distraction allowed Little Papa Argent to escape  .  . .

Not satisfied with Papa Argent’s explanation of the leather suit-wearing freaks currently trying to murder them all, the Scooby Gang decide to gather additional intel from some old bald Japanese Yoda-like guy, who conveniently also survived the great Yakuza Massacre of 1980 something . . .

The problem, of course, is the last time Papa Argent attempted to find Beacon Hills Yoda, he kind of / sort of got his ass kicked . . .

So, being a Good Dad, Papa Argent does what any self-respecting father would do . . . he sends the guy who wants to bone his daughter directly into harms way, to do his dirty work for him!

It’s actually a pretty crafty idea, if you think about it. I mean, either way, the Elder Argent eliminates a threat . . . though the latter threat is only to his daughter’s panties . . .

Beauty and the Beast

Awww how sweet!  After a night of battling Oni, Kira rode home on the back of Scott’s motorcycle, he showed her his goofy-looking wolf face, and she fondled it, and thought it was the most beautiful thing in the world, thus proving that this girl REAAAALLLY needs to get out more . . .

 

In other romance news, Ethan and Aiden stalk Scott on their matching motorcycles and tell him that they will stay loyally glued to his side forever and ever, or until he gets eaten and brutally murdered by Oni, whichever comes first.  I smell a werewolf threesome!

 

 

 

I guess there are some folks who were born to always be minions to “The Hottest Girl.”

Now, while I’m not entirely sold on the twins as individual characters,  I’m actually not minding the idea of them as part of Scott’s pack.  After all, up to this point, Scott’s Scooby Gang basically consisted of Allison (weaponry), Lydia (annoying screaming / death detection), Stiles (brains), and Isaac (?).   Every good pack needs a little muscle power . . . no matter how empty the heads that come attached to those muscle bags might be.  And Ethan and Aiden, they give good muscle (and good bone), if nothing else .  . .

Speaking of Stiles’ brains, they are beginning to look a bit less like hard boiled eggs, and a bit more like scrambled ones,  with each passing week . . .

This is your brain on Nogitsune . . .

Scott wants to warn Stiles about the Oni.  But Stiles is too freaked out that someone had the nerve to erase his chalkboard encoded murder message to Barrow about Kira.  That same someone has stolen his key to the chemistry closet.  Hey Stiles, ever heard the phrase, “Take a picture.  It lasts longer . . .”?

Maybe, next time, Kira will let you borrow her camera phone . . .

For his part, Scott is fairly confident that his best friend is not a love-interest murdering sociopath.  But, in all fairness, Scott and Stiles haven’t been spending all that much time together of late.  As for Scott, he’s been kind of busy swatting fireflies and eating mouthfuls of wasabi with his new girlfriend, the fox.  Meanwhile, Stiles has been making out with random bisexuals, going on investigation missions with his gal Friday Lydia, and, most recently enduring the horrors of a life that has become a perpetual waking nightmare.

Scott and Stiles have been so out of sync lately, that Scott has barely had time to tell Stiles all about his most recent Oni encounters.  This is a shame, because we all know that demon-possessed or not, Stiles would have been all up in that amazing opportunity for Nerd Research  . . .

Though not necessarily wise enough to retain evidence of his own serial killing tendencies, Stiles is smart enough to seek the help of a medical professional when he’s about to go full-on nutso.  He visits Mama McCall because she is clearly the only professional left alive in Beacon Hills hospital.  Being a mom first, and a nurse second, Mama McCall is loath to get Stiles any more riled up than he already is about the potential severity of his condition, before she knows what exactly is wrong with him.  And so, she diagnoses Stiles with “being sleepy, very sleepy,” shoots him up with some hospital-grade Ambien and shuffles the young lad off into Dream Land . . .

 

. . . which is precisely the place where all Stiles’ troubles began in the first place.

“Thanks, Mom,” indeed . . .

In the “After Show,” Holland Rhoden suggested that Stiles half-asleep referral to Scott’s mother as “Mom,” is a foreshadowing of sorts . . .

I’m going to take her word for it.  But, foreshadowing (and Mama McCall’s questionable medical tactics) aside, I actually think it was a very sweet, quiet, authentic moment between these two characters.  After all, why wouldn’t Stiles, whose spent at least the past few years of his young life without a mother, experience feelings of warmth and parental gratitude toward a woman he has known since he was a very small child and trusts very much, who has tucked him into bed, and is lovingly caressing his forehead as he drifts off into some much-desired sleep?

As for Stiles’ biological mom, it appears, based on some quick research on the part of Mama McCall that she experienced the same symptoms as Stiles shortly before her own death, which actually dovetails quite well with my trusty ole Brain Tumor Theory.

However, based on the last few moments of the episode, something a bit more supernaturally sinister may, in fact, be afoot here . . .

 

 

 

Why it’s bad to take selfies on your dad’s computer . . .

Agent McCall / Daddy Douche, tech savvy scamp that he is, apparently installed some security function on his computer that takes pictures of people other than him that try to use it.  And while I’d say, just password protecting the darn thing would be a heck of a lot more efficient  /effective.  Doing it this way, does make it that much harder for the intruder in question to deny his guilt.  Not to mention the fact that secret selfies are just hilarious.  Because who doesn’t look super goofy, while they are staring into a computer screen?

 

 

Anywhoo, Daddy Douche wants answers. So off he tromps to his son’s house to get them.

Meanwhile DARKNESS IS COMING . . .

Isaac Plays Dress-up

Sure Daddy Argent, dress your daughter’s boyfriend up in a penguin suit and send him into a scary warehouse filled with roid-raging bouncer types with really bad manicures under the pretense of selling some old gun.  Sounds like a great idea!

 

Because Isaac is not a total moron, he’s a bit conflicted about the whole “entering the jaws of death” thing.  So, Allison puts her tongue down his throat and makes him grab her ass, and suddenly everything is totally cool!  (Everyone claims Allison is totally human.  But I’m not so sure.  Clearly she has a Magical Vajayjay.)

 

 

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As Isaac yammers on about stuff he knows nothing about, the Argents easily work their way through the lamest excuse for security ever.  Then Mr. Clean tells Isaac the true story about the weapon he’s “selling,” turns out it was used by one Argent to shoot another one, before he could turn into a werewolf, back in the day.

 

Pretenses tossed away, Isaac and Mr. Clean both show their fangs to one another, while, upstairs, Papa Argent reunites with Silverfinger for the first time in 24 years . . .

 

Silver Finger . . .

 

 

Missing a Finger . . .

Mr. Miyagi from Karate Kid is more than happy to explain to the Teen Wolf audience the mystery of the Firefly Guys.  They are Oni, demon warriors traveling through the darkness in search of one being possessed by a dark spirit, the Nogitsune, a form of kitsune.  They sift through individuals with supernatural auras, marking them with an S, once they have determined they are still themselves.  And once they find their target, they will kill everyone in their way to reach him or her.

Mr. Miyagi politely thanks Papa Argent for saving his life all those years ago.  Then, he warns the werewolf hunter that if he finds the Nogitsune he should kill it, “even if it is his own daughter . . . or that goofy kid that hangs out with her daughter’s wolfy boyfriends . . .”

Meanwhile, Scott and co. are back at his house, learning about the Oni the hard way . . .

It’s an Oni Slumber Party!

Scott, that horndog, somehow convinces Kira that the place she will be safest for the night is right in his bed . . .

So, Kira does what any girl would do when she finds herself in a sexual situation with the boy she likes.  She . . . pulls out a children’s picture book about kitsune and reads to him.

 

 

Dear Sweet Kira.  Didn’t you get the memo?  You’re on MTV, home of sexed up series like The Jersey Shore, Teen Mom, and about six shows starring Snooki . . .

Sesame Street is two studios down . . .

Scott’s and Kira’s playdate soon gets rudely interrupted by Agent McCall, who is piping mad about Scott and Kira getting their grubby pawprints all over his MacBook Air.  Then, Scott’s mom comes home.  And this place is starting to get more crowded by the second.

Honestly, for me, the funniest part of the episode, was when the CLEARLY DEMONIC AND SUPERNATURAL Oni materializes in the kitchen, and Scott’s dad’s response is not “AHHHHHHHH!!!”

Or, “HOLY F*&K!  WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?”

As most normal people would react.  Rather, he’s all, “Who is this tall, poorly dressed gentleman?  He is clearly not on the lists of people I approved for you and your mother to hang out with, before I abandoned you both years ago?”

Doofy Papa McCall then walks toward the Oni like he’s actually going to ARREST HIM  .  . .

So, of course he gets a sword in his belly for his trouble . . .

 

With Papa McCall out of commission and Mama McCall tending to his wounds, this were-house party can really get started.  Enter Twins . . .

 

And Derek . . .

And MORE ONIS . . .

It’s like the blacklight party all over again, minus all the body paint and bad choices!

Mama McCall gains her hero wings by temporarily ejecting the Oni from her home using . . . you guessed it . . . Everybody’s Favorite Magical  Plot Device . . .

 

Buuuuuut then they get in anyway . . .

 

 

Allison conveniently calls Scott just in time to tell him that, provided he and his girlfriend are not totally evil, the Oni are just there to give them both nice neck tattoos.  So, chill out!

And so, hands clasped, Scott and Kira meet the Oni head on and prepare to receive their brands . . .

 

 

. . .  which they do.  So, the Onis disappear . . . in search of their real target.

 

 

“Zzzzzzzzzzzz…..”

That was easy.

Eat Stiles’ Dust, Firefly Guy!

In the hospital, Stiles awakens to find everybody gone.   He wanders sleepily into a lonely dark corridor, just as the McCall family wheel in douchey daddy on a gurney.

Then the Oni come to give Stiles his tattoo . . .

But we all know how Stiles feels about tattoos . . .

So, when the Oni moves to give him one he RIPS OUT THE ONI’S FIREFLY SOUL WITH HIS BARE HANDS, INSTANTLY KILLING THEM ALL .  . .

 

 

 

 

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It’s a miracle!  Stiles is a hero!  Yay Stiles!

Oh .  . . wait . . . that means he’s evil.  Oops!

Then, Scott comes in and Stiles acts like he’d didn’t just do something totally awesome and bad ass, which is not like Stiles at all.

Because everyone knows if the REAL Stiles defeated a villain, he’d be acting like this . . .

And this . . .

And this . . .

Not like this . . .

Consider myself officially freaked out by you, Stiles Stilinski .  . .

(You know that Grinch Gif is actually really frightening if you look at it for too long . . . )

Next week on Teen Wolf. . . AHHHHHH STILES NOOOOOOO!

Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.  Until next time, Werebangers!

Unmasked – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Illuminated”

Happy Faux-Halloween Werebangers!  As much as this week’s installment of Teen Wolf was all about black-light parties, mostly naked people with paint on their toned torsos, and oddly-attired warriors, who may or may not have descended from fireflies, with the capacity to tattoo people with their fingernails and produce long swords from their stomachs . . .

. . . it was also about masks . . .

.  . . but not just the masks we wear on Halloween with the little eye holes cut out of them so we don’t bump into walls while we are trick-or-treating .  . .

. . . but the more subtle masks we wear every other day of the year.  These are the masks that allow us to hide parts of our true selves from the rest of the world . . . parts of ourselves that we don’t like, or don’t think others would accept . . . parts of us that make us seem less . . . normal . . .

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Of all the characters on Teen Wolf, Stiles — goofy and virginal, though he might be  – always seemed to be the one most comfortable in his teenage skin.  It’s one of the things I always admired most about his character  . . . how unabashedly unafraid he was of being himself, even if being himself got him pushed around or excluded, or kept him from getting the girl . .  .

In “Illuminated,” however, we learn that Stiles too is wearing some masks.  And these masks are more dangerous than the ones donned by his friends.  Why?  Because he doesn’t even realize he’s wearing them . . .

So turn out the lights, break out the glow-in-the-dark body glitter, and beware of creepy neck-tattoo giving ninjas, because it’s time for another Teen Wolf-cap . . .

[As always special thanks to my supernaturally gifted screencapper Andre, who I would totally invite to my blacklight party if I had one, because I know I could trust him not to tattoo me against my will in a wine cellar . . .]

SMUSH!

It’s a bad day to be a jack-o-lantern in Beacon Hills, with mean derelict kids around every corner, just waiting to put their foot in your skull, and turn your brain into the mushy stuff on the inside of a pumpkin pie . . .

“What did I do to deserve this?“

But worry not jack-o-lanterns!  The Neighborhood Watch has come to the rescue!

“Dressing up like the guys from The Matrix for Halloween is SO last decade!”

Boy, the Neighborhood Watch has changed a lot since I was a kid.  It used to be a bunch of soccer moms in bathrobes.  But these guys are stylin!  I mean, check out those leather dresses.  I would not want to be Jack-o-Lantern Killer in Beacon Hills.  That’s for sure!

Speaking of the Neighborhood Watch, Jack-o-Lantern Murder isn’t the only bad act that seems to royally piss them off.  They also seem to REALLY HATE THE POSSIBILITY OF PREMARITAL SEX.

Sorry Isaac.   But the Neighborhood Watch is apparently very against the idea of your impregnating Allison with your were-cub sperm . . .

Population control . . .

When Allison and her dad find Isaac, he’s super traumatized and definitely still feeling the effects of his run-in with the black skirted ninjas, who he described as having Firefly Eyes . . .

“Between this and my dad locking me in the freezer before getting killed by my classmate the were-lizard, I’m going to probably need to be in therapy until I die.”

Hmmm . . . now where have we seen fireflies before on this show?

Something about the way Allison’s dad was behaving during Isaac’s “debriefing,” seemed to suggest this wasn’t his first time at the Firefly Eye Guys rodeo.  Maybe it was the way he instinctively knew that beating the sh*t out of Isaac to force him to wolf out would break the spell the Firefly Eye Guys had him under . . .

(Then again, perhaps he was just using that as an excuse to beat the sh*t out of the current winner of the Teen Werewolf Most Likely to Bone his Daughter this Season award . . . sorry Scott.)

Or maybe it was the way he warned Allison and Issac to keep their mouths shut about the Firefly Eye Guys for the next 24 hours while he “figured things out.”

Oooooorrrrr maybe it was the BIG OLE BROKEN FIREFLY EYE GUY MASK HE HAD HIDDEN AWAY IN HIS DRAWER, RIGHT NEXT TO HIS SECRET STASH OF HASHISH AND PORN MAGS . . .

And if we think the Firefly Eye guys react poorly to kids smashing up jack-o-lantern faces, imagine how pissed off they get about people who smash up THEIR FACES!

Cue the theme song, which was a bit more “club dancey” than usual, wasn’t it?  I was only kidding about it last week, but this week’s version of the theme song REALLY did remind me of this . . .

This Girl is on Fire

Once upon a time, there was a popular young adult fiction character who wore a pyrotechnically enhanced outfit designed by Lenny Kravitz, and everyone called her The Girl on Fire . . .

But That Girl apparently, has nothing on our Kira, whose face literally appears to burst into flame, every time someone snaps her picture.  Now, most cameras these days have a Red Eye Reduction function that is probably very helpful for folks like Scott .  . .

However, until iPhone invents a Face Flame Reduction Feature, Kira is kind of crap out of luck . . .

But hey, at least she didn’t end up chargrilled by Mr. “Their Eyes Were Glowing” Barrow!  Something that Scott’s dad honestly seems pissed off about, because dead kids have always been super good for his career.  Have I mentioned yet this recap that Scott’s dad is a douche?

Well, consider it mentioned!  Anywhoo, the Scooby Gang, plus Kira, find themselves in super hot water with Douchey Daddy for accidentally blacking out the entire town in their attempt to evade being murdered by a child-killing psychopath.  The nerve of these kids and their pesky survival instincts!

Meddling Kids!

Douchey Daddy gets incredibly frustrated when he can’t get a straight answer about what happened from our characters . . . something Papa Stilinski finds positively hilarious, because, for once, he’s not the adult being made to look like a moron by a bunch of teenagers less than half his age.

“How come you and Lydia always seem to solve every mystery on this show, when no one else can?”  Scott’s dad asks, echoing the question in the minds of Teen Wolf fans everywhere.

“Because my dad’s in law enforcement,” Stiles replies with a wink.

Adorable . . . but also not true.  I mean, Scott’s dad is in law enforcement too, and it hasn’t helped him a lick, when it comes to logical reasoning .  . .

I mean, Scott’s a sweet guy and all, but, let’s face it, he’s kind of dumber than wolf poo  . . .

Of course, by the end of this episode, we have another, more logical, explanation as to why Stiles has seemed to miraculously have all the answers so far this season.  And it’s genius, on a Usual Suspects-like level that leads me to believe I haven’t been giving these writers nearly enough credit in my recaps this season.

I like how the show took the inherent ridiculousness of the “Kill Kira” coded message on the chalk board last week, and immediately offered the explanation that SOMEONE ELSE, aside from Barrow, wrote it.    Now, while that assumption ended up being correct, I’m not sure, as a detective, I would have immediately arrived at that conclusion.  (In fact, if I recall from the message boards on last week’s episode, most fans, myself included, assumed that the code came from Barrow, himself.)  I mean the guy was basically a schizo psychopath who enjoyed killing kids with glowing body parts.  Why would he need a coded message instructing him to do the thing he loved doing so much in the first place?

Just a thought . . .

Speaking of glowing body parts . . .

Clothing Option . . . Paint Mandatory

At School in the Dark, Stiles finds a new mysterious key on his key chain, which I can totally relate to, because every time I stick my hand in my purse, I’m always finding things I don’t remember putting in there.  I swear I’m convinced my purse is a portal to another land . . .  either that or a very expensive trash receptacle for old receipts, candy wrappers, pens without ink and unmatched gloves  . . .

But enough about me!

Let’s talk about Kira . . .

Last week, Stiles was TOTALLY pro Kira, telling Scott he should absolutely hit that because he’s “the hottest girl” in school . . .

Then again, maybe Stiles was just saying those things to hit on Scott . . .

This week, Stiles basically thinks Kira is Jenny the Darach 2.0, which makes her more or less undateable, unless you are really hot for people who secretly look like Lord Voldemort . . .

“Let’s leave the dating of secret murderers / super villains to MY future girlfriends, mmmm kay?”

. . . or you’re a moron . . . like Derek . . .

And because I had the exact same idea last week, I am now more convinced than ever that Stiles and I do, in fact, share a brain . . . which worries me, because I’m pretty sure Stiles’ brain has a tumor in it . . .

In the boy’s locker room, Aiden and Ethan are naked, and everyone else is fully clothed, because, like children in the 1950s, these are two characters that are at their best when seen not heard.

Danny’s there too.  He’s fighting on the phone with some unseen person, about a blacklight party, which will now have to be canceled due to the “blackout.”  Hello Irony!

Ethan wants to help Danny find an alternative location for the party, because he feels that will help him find an alternative location into Danny’s very busy pants.  He also believes that helping Danny through a really bitchin party will make Care Bear Scott know that Ethan and Aiden “care a lot” about their fellow man.  And even if this doesn’t cause Scott to make Ethan and Aiden into fellow Care Bears like Stiles . . .

. . and Isaac .  . .

. . . and Lydia . . .

. . . it might at least convince him to take the twins on as Care Bear cousins . .  . you know . . . the characters that weren’t bears, but still got to make an appearance every so often in the Care Bear Movies, and Specials, because they were basically nice people/ animals .. .

At first, Aiden is not down with being a Care Bear Cousin.  But then Lydia, whose mom will likely be brutally murdered very soon is now teaching at the school (?) and everyone knows that the only teacher at Beacon Hills High who can never die is Coach Crackpot tells Aiden that he can’t f*&k her in janitors closets anymore because his murdering Boyd just became a total turn off.

“Awww . . . how sweet . . . and also about 10 episodes too late.”

And Aiden and his blue balls decide being a Care Bear Cousin is better than being eternally celibate.  So, he decides to help Danny by suggesting he throw a party in Derek’s supposedly abandoned loft.  Yes, Aiden, because throwing a party in the place where Boyd died, will TOTALLY make Lydia forget you killed him.  Good thinking!

Photo Finished!

Kira is sitting alone in the hallway eating her sad sandwich, and wearing very sad pants.  Scott completely ignores Stiles’ advice .  . .

. . . and decides this is the perfect opportunity to hit on her . . .

. . .to show her gratitude Kira shows Scott her nifty magical power that involves looking weird in photographs . . .

(I don’t know, Kira.   I always look weird in photographs too.  And nobody’s ever tried to electrocute me for it . . . yet.)

Scott agrees to help get Kira’s cell phone (which contains evidence of her weird photographs) out of the police station’s evidence locker.

Meanwhile, Derek (rightfully) scares some kids who are stupid enough to go trick or treating in an abandoned parking lot during a blackout.   (Seriously, are all the parents in this town mentally retarded?)  But before he does that, he gives them candy.  Because grown men who carry Milky Ways and M&M’s  in the back of their truck, just in case they happen to come upon unaccompanied minors aren’t creepy at all . . .

“Hey kids, wanna hop in the back of my truck and eat Snickers?”

“Sure sounds like fun!”

“STRANGER DANGERRRRRRRRR!”

Obstruction of Justice 101

I’ve always said that watching Teen Wolf makes me smarter and more pervy.  This week’s installment of Teen Wolf had the added benefit of making me a better criminal!  Be amazed as Stiles teaches us just how easy it is to break into the police department and steal incriminating evidence against yourself!

Step 1 – Clone the key cards

Thus proving that Stiles literally does own the keys to every door in this entire town . . . including the door to his own mind, Lydia’s heart, and of course, the chemistry lab.

“This could be The Key to solving this week’s mystery . . . literally”

Step 2 – Avoid the completely incompetent police force, by merely crawling underneath them . . .

“Off to get some donuts.”

Step 3 – Unlock evidence Drawer

Step 4 – Find evidence, and then dawdle for an unreasonably long time for no other reason than to increase narrative tension . . .

                Was it just me, or did that phone take a ridiculously long time to charge enough just to turn on?  That’s BAD product placement, if ever I saw it.  An iPhone takes about 20 seconds.  Just sayin . . .

Step 5 – Almost get discovered, just so Stiles will have to save your ass by being Stiles . . .

I don’t know about you.  But I vote when Teen Wolf gets canceled about 25 seasons from now, Stiles gets his own spinoff, which consists solely of him ragging on Scott’s Douchebag dad for an entire hour . . .  I’d watch that show.

P.S. What do you guys think the “big secret” Stiles’ dad has on Scott’s dad is that makes the latter hate the former so much?  Part of me thinks it has something to do with Scott’s mom . . . then again, maybe that’s because I’m totally rooting for Stiles’ dad and Scott’s mom to start boning in the next season or two.  They’d be adorable together!  Admit it!

After they escape, Kira is totally turned on by her introduction into a Life of Crime.  She wonders whether Scott and Stiles have ever broken the law like this before, at which point, Stiles wryly hands Kira a DVD set of the first 2.5 seasons of Teen Wolf, and replies, “Only every Monday at 10 p.m., for the past three years.”

Ain’t No Party Like a Firefly Guy Party

Danny’s blacklight party is banging!

The music rocks, the nudity and creative body paint all over the place is insane.

And what other place can you go to get drawn on by Kelly Osbourne!

.  . . or at least someone who looks a lot like her.

Danny is eagerly getting painted up, when someone calls for ice, and a flirty Ethan tells him he’ll   . . . BE RIGHT BACK . . .

Silly Ethan.  Did you forget you were on a horror show?

Sex makes men stupid . . .

While Ethan goes off into a dark abandoned corner of Derek’s loft to get brutalized, Danny notices some uninvited guests at his party, who are wearing way too much clothes . . .

“Why is Neo from The Matrix at my blacklight party?”

But they have cool firefly eyes, so he decides to let it slide.

Elsewhere in the loft, Allison and Isaac show up at the party completely overdressed (just like the firefly guys).  So, they decide to improvise and also hump . . .

. .  . because really no blacklight party is complete without some good old fashioned humping . . .

Also humping?  Stiles!  You go boy!

So what if he may end up being this season’s Big Bad?  Stiles is so Geek Chic and Dorky Sexy that even lesbians whose girlfriends were recently brutally murdered want to bone him!  Because everyone knows that having Stiles in your mouth is better than any antidepressant.

But who does Stiles want in HIS Mouth?  Answer:  Apparently EVERYONE!

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It’s always the “innocent” ones that end up being the biggest freaks in the sheets . . .

Stiles takes a break from sucking face with a lesbian to notice that his Magical Mystical Key has chemicals on it . . . as in chemicals from a chemistry lab.

RUH ROH!  It looks like our baby may have done a bad bad thing . . .

Speaking of bad things . . .

Ashes, ashes, they all FALL DOWN!

At the blacklight party, relationships, advance, discoveries are made, people are attacked, and everyone gets tattoos, all in a matter of minutes!

After coming to a silent understanding with Allison that they are both going to screw other people this season, Scott finally sees Kira for what she really is . . . a fox . . .

No, I mean, like, a real fox . . . like the “fire” around her body in pictures actually has a fox shape . . .

And being a member of the canine family himself, Scott totally digs it . . .

Allison and Isaac too finally give in to their mutually shared sexual tension, which causes Allison to discover Isaac’s brand new neck tattoo.  A backwards “five,” put there by the Firefly Guys?  Why, are they dyslexic?

Then again . . . it could also be an “S” for Superman . . . or STILES . . .

Speaking of the Firefly Guys, Lydia spots them at a crowded party stalking her.  And so, rather than staying amidst the massive crowd of people who will undoubtedly keep her safe, she decides to say “I’ll BE RIGHT BACK,” to no one in particular, and heads out to balcony alone.

“Oh no, demons are trying to get me!”

“Let me go out here, and make it so much easier for them to do so.”

Silly Lydia!  This is what happens when you don’t hang out with Stiles, and allow him to makeout with lesbians instead of protecting you . . .

And they say you’re the smart one . . . sheesh.

The Firefly Guys take Lydia’s Banshee scream, give her the dyslexic tattoo, and then seem to entrance her in some sort of way.   But I guess we’ll have to wait until next week to determine what the consequences of that entrancement are . . .

“Look deep into my firefly eyes.  You are getting very sleepy.”

“I really loved you in The Matrix, Mr. Keanu Reeves.”

Also, attacked and tatted up?  Ethan . . . and Derek . .  . whose super pissed off about it, and breaks up the party, the exact same way he traumatized those pesky trick our treaters.

“STRANGER DANGERRRRRR!”

The Scooby Gang, minus Stiles, reconvene in the now empty loft to face off against the Firefly Guys.  I smell a Musical Battle Sequence . . .

“MORTAL KOMBAAAAAATTT!”

Unlike most Musical Battle Sequences on this show, in which the Werewolf Always Wins.  This time around, the Werewolf Always Sucks Ass . . .

In the Scooby Gangs’ defense, Firefly Guys are much better armed than our heroes, with Magical Tummy Swords . . .

Hypnotic Tattoos . . .

 

 

Bet Isaac is wishing he was wearing the scarf last night . . .

“No tatt for me, Firefly Guy!”

And the Ability to Regenerate Heads . . .

Then The Sun comes and saves everyone from getting murdered!  Hooray Sun!

Unfortunately, things are less sunny elsewhere in Beacon Hills, like back at the Argent house, where Papa Argent looks like he had a pretty crap day . . .

Also having a crap day, Stiles who has just learned that HE might be the one trying to kill Kira . . . which was a pretty ingenious development on the part of the writers, as it makes the oddity of Stiles magically figuring out the “code” on the board make so much more sense in hindsight.  It also makes Lydia’s comment about not wanting to be with the “bad guys” seem much more ironic / ominous.

Either that, or he’s dreaming / in a coma . . .

Or he has a brain tumor . . .

Whatever the reason, Stiles sure seems to be working very hard to make sure “The Hottest Girl” in school doesn’t get it on doggystyle with “The Fox.”

Thus, proving that prolonged virginity can make you evil and/or cause brain tumors / comas.

So, go forth and get laid, Werebangers!  It might just save your life and YOUR SOUL!

Until next time . . .

 

The Importance of Being an Ugly Ass Baby Doll – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “More Bad Than Good.”

Greetings, Werebangers!  This week on Teen Wolf, Stiles learned how to read, Allison learned how to shoot, and Scott learned how to roar.  We also got to see a lot of people naked (Both girls and boys!), and learned a word in Spanish!

“La Loba”

All in all, I’d say it was a pretty successful hour of television.  Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, all of the screencaps you see here are courtesy of Andre the Awesomesauce! Thanks Andre!:)]

Because having ten fingers is totally overrated . . .

When we last left Peter and Derek, they were both mostly naked . . .

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And having millions of bolts of electricity shot through their body at painfully regular intervals .  . .

This week, Peter and Derek are exactly where we left them . . .

. . . except now they have company.  Hello, Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman of a Super Villain from Every Comic Book and Tom Clancy Novel Movie Adaptation I Have Ever Seen.  Pleasure to make your acquaintance . . . again.

This incarnation of Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman is kind of chatty.   He keeps babbling on about something called La Loba.  “Where is La Loba?”  He demands.  (My helpful friends at Google Translate tell me La Loba means “The She-Wolf.”  It’s also a song by Shakira.  But since the latter can easily be found on YouTube or ITunes, we assume Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman is referring to the former.  This show is called Teen Wolf, after all.)

Derek and Peter, half of whom are really smart guys (cough, cough, Peter only, cough), are completely baffled by Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman’s inquiry, probably because, being naked, they lack easy access to their iPhones and Google Translate.  And, of course, Mr. Strongly-Accented Henchman is much too glib to translate for them.

This is a shame, because I suspect, if they knew what Mr. Strongly-Accented Henchman was seeking, they could be much more helpful.  I mean, who knows more She-Wolves than a pack of werewolves, right?  We’ve already met a few of them ourselves.  (Kali – dead, Laura – dead, Cora – playing Lady Mary on the show Reign MIA, Derek’s mother, supposedly dead, but probably not).

Unfortunately for the Hales, Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman seems much more interested in administering “electro-shock” therapy, waving around chainsaws, and doing his best impersonation of Benicio del Toro’s character in Savages than extracting actual information from our heroes . . . at least, until his Mommy comes home.

Mommy Bad Guy may not be much to look at.  She’s wearing the ugliest wig I’ve ever seen, and appears to have taken her wardrobe cues from Tyler Perry’s Madea. 

But she’s a much more effective interrogator than her son.  “WHERE IS THE SHE-WOLF?” She asks immediately.

Finally, someone willing to translate!  But despite now having all the necessary information, Derek and Peter still won’t answer.  Well, now they are just being obstinate!

Peter offers alternative form of payment.  He’ll sing for his captors, which, is actually something I’d really like to hear .  . . Teen Wolf Karaoke, a great idea for a spinoff show, if ever there was one.  But Mommy Bad Guy doesn’t strike me as one very appreciative of the arts.  So, instead, she cuts one of Peter’s fingers off.  I think it was his middle finger.  Very fitting, under the circumstances . . .

I think it’s facing in the wrong direction.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Beacon Hills . . .

The Douchebag Cometh

After surprising one another in the woods, and making each other scream like little girls . . .

Apparently, the Big Bad Wolf is sometimes still afraid of Little Red Riding Hood . . .

 . . . Scott and Stiles come upon what they believe to be Werecoyote Malia’s lair.  It’s small.  It’s dark.  It’s dingy and poorly furnished.  It’s basically my old dorm room . . . minus a few shot glasses, broken Christmas lights, and cheaply framed movie posters.

The guys call Stiles’ dad for backup.  So, of course, Scott’s asshat dad has to show up too.   You know that guy who no one ever remembers inviting to their parties, but, somehow he always ends up showing up anyway to clog your toilet bowl, and eat up all your Tostitos and dip?  That’s 100% Scott’s dad.

What’s worse, Scott’s daddy dearest brings Malia’s highly unstable father along for the ride, for seemingly no other reason than just to be a prick.  Daddy McCall claims he’s helping Malia’s dad gain “closure.”

Naaah . . . being a prick seems like a much more logical explanation to me.

It’s Hard Out There for a Kitsune Girl Named Kira

At school, New Girl Kira is adorably awkward, and a big ole nerd, with the “couple of hours of research on Bardo” she “typed up” for Scott . . . just because.

This, coupled with the fact that her dad totally harshes on her game, by embarrassing her at every opportunity, and, pretty much treating her like she’s an eight-year old girl experiencing her first crush on a boy, I assume, is supposed to make us like her.

Translation : “Can you and I have sex soon?”

“My daughter is not the best communicator, Mr. McCall.  What she’s really saying is that she wants to bone you, ASAP.”

“I’m not 100% sure.  But I think Kira might be sexually attracted to me.”

Except .  . . remember the last love interest that was adorably awkward and a big ole nerd?

And we all know what happened to her . . .

Suffice it to say, I’m not going out to buy any Team Skira t-shirts, until I’m 100% certain this adorably awkward nerd and her dad aren’t this season’s Foxy Big Bads . . .

Fool me once, shame on you, Teen Wolf.  Fool my twice . . . well, you know the rest.

Kira’s dad loses even more Cool Points with me, by picking on newly illiterate Stiles, of all people, to read in front of the class.  Last week, Stiles was only illiterate about half the time, usually when he was dreaming.  Now, it appears he’s gone full-on Prime Candidate for Hooked on Phonics. I don’t know about you, but, to me, this is starting to look a whole lot less like a Nemeton-Induced Bardo problem and a whole lot more like a Brain Tumor Problem.

“Couldn’t I start with something a bit easier . .  . you know, like a Dr. Seuss book . . . or Twilight.”

And wouldn’t that be the ultimate twist?  To have a seemingly supernatural problem on the show explained by completely mundane, scientific, means?  Vision problems, mood swings, personality alterations, sudden illiteracy, memory loss, difficulty concentrating, distorted realities . . . these all just happen to be symptoms of a brain tumor . . . just saying . . .

Standing in front of the classroom, as the words on the page in front of him, literally fall to his feet, Stiles begins to understandably have a panic attack, and rushes from the room.  (Where’s Lydia to stick her tongue down your throat, when you need her?  Am I right?)

Scott rushes to the restroom to help his suffering bestie.  However, his method of curing Stiles (having the tearful and panting boy count his fingers) is not nearly as fast acting, or fun to watch, as Lydia’s solution.  Eventually, however, it works.

“See no extra digits. . . unless I pull down my pants.  Do you want me to pull down my pants?  Because I’d do that for you, Stiles?  That’s what friends are for.”

“Thanks for the generous offer. But I would strongly prefer your not pulling down your pants.”

Meanwhile, Kira offers to bring Scott and Stiles the bags they left in class during their hasty departures, because she’s about as subtle as a sledgehammer, when it comes to her plans to get into Scott’s wolfy pantalones.

“Yoo hoo,  I have your book bag.  Will you please have sex with me now?”

Ease up, Kira, honey.  You are on a show with an extremely limited female population.  Chances are, assuming you don’t die in the next episode or so you’re eventually going to be able to hit that, regardless.  So, maybe trying playing a bit hard to get . . . let the wolf come to YOU. Just saying.

As payback for her over-eager Flirtation Gambit, Kira gets attacked in school by one extremely territorial were coyote.

“I want my doll!”

“Come here and let me eat you, you baby doll stealing turd!”

(With all the teens that get murdered in Beacon Hills on a seemingly daily basis, you would think the school would finally wise up, and invest in a decent security system.  You know, something that would prevent wild, possibly rabid, animals from just popping in, and roaming the locker rooms for a good ten to twenty minutes, before anyone bothers to discover them.)

“Can I see your student ID?”

Were Malia stalks Nerdy Kitsune Kira all the way to the boy’s(?) locker room, even going as far as to jump through glass to get to her.  This would be a really good time to turn into the eight-tailed fox we all know you to secretly be, Kira!

But she doesn’t.  Instead our heroine(?) assumes the damsel in distress role, just like Darach Jenny did before her and waits patiently for Scott to come to her rescue, which of course, he does.  Pushing down an entire row of steel lockers with the same ease that you and I would knock down a row of dominoes, Scott scares off the pretty chick from The Secret Circle the were coyote, and offers future love interest Kira a protective hug.

“Fear not, possible villain!  I will save you from the Pretty Chick from The Secret Circle.”

That’s when the two teens notice what Malia was really after, a creepy baby doll that is peeking out of Scott’s now ripped gym bag.  Now, for most teen girls, carrying around ugly baby dolls in your gym bag would be a total deal breaker in a prospective mate.  But not, Kira.  She’s in loooooove.  You know what?  I take back what I said earlier?  Big Bad Were Fox or not, these two wackadoodles totally deserve one another.

“Hi, I’m Chuckie.  Wanna play?”

Hey, Look Who Didn’t Die?!

Confession time.  I’m a bit in love with Peter Hale.  How many guys do you know would be able to get their favorite finger chopped off one minute, and be able to calmly make jokes about it in the next?  I mean, the guy asks his captors for antibiotic ointment, and makes it sound like a pick-up line.  Now, that’s talent.

Up above our sexy naked wolves heads, it begins to rain bullets. Seconds later, Derek and Peter find themselves face-to-face with their leather-clad, gun happy, rescuer.

It’s Braeden!  Remember her?  She’s the one who awesomely rescued Isaac on a motorcycle in the Season Premier, and got her neck chopped into baked ziti for her trouble . . .

We all mistakenly thought Braeden was dead, but it appears that she was just home recovering from a really bad boo-boo.  By the way, does anybody really die on this show?  Plot twists like this make me question everything. I mean, maybe Kanaima Master Matt is still alive . . .

Or Kali . . .

Or that Creepy Chemistry Teacher . . .

Or Boyd . . . nah, Boyd is definitely dead.

Braeden explains that she was hired to rescue Derek by Deucalion, thus proving that the Recession impacts everyone . . . even supernatural, ass-kicking emissaries.  I mean, seriously, would YOU work for the guy who made a spaghetti and meat sauce dinner out of your neck?  Because I wouldn’t .  . .

Because saving Sassy Peter Hale wasn’t in the job description, Braeden contemplates leaving him behind.  Then, she remembers, that with Stiles in full-on angst mode this Season, Peter is our show’s sole remaining shot at comic relief.   And so, she goes above her pay grade in service to us, Werebangers.

Thanks Braeden!  If I could afford to pay you I would.  But since I can’t, I hope you will settle with my not permanently and horribly disfiguring you like your last boss did.  Deal?

Actually, that just gave me an idea!

Maybe Braeden can borrow Isaac’s ridiculously metrosexual scarf to cover up her hideous neck wounds!  Braeden would have more self-confidence. Stiles wouldn’t be able to make fun of Isaac anymore.  Everybody wins!

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You’re welcome, Teen Wolf.

Braedan wisely suggests to her wolf charges that they blow this popsicle stand, before the rest of the cast of Once Upon a Time in Mexico return to finish what they started.  But Derek says no.  The gang can’t leave without their Mysterious Magical Object of the Week.

*Sigh* Derek . . . you never learn.  Do you?

Speaking of people who can’t seem to leave well enough alone . . .

What’s shakin’, Baby Doll?

Back at school, Stiles is explaining to Scott how Malia was probably after the creepy doll in his bookbag, when WHAM, Malia’s dad magically appears and rips the ugly thing from Stiles’ and Scott’s fingertips like it’s The Ring That Rules Them All and He’s Smeagol.

What the hell?  Does this guy have a police scanner in installed in every room of his house?  He just seems to magically pop up anytime anybody mentions his daughter’s name.  It’s almost as if he’s psychically connected to the word.  Say it three times, and he appears . . . like Bloody Mary . . . or the Candyman . . . or Beetlejuice.

Malia’s dad is convinced this doll-loving coyote murdered his family.  And he wants it dead, which is why he’s casually roaming the halls of Beacon Hills High carrying a gun, like it’s no big thing.  Seriously, this school NEEDS A METAL DETECTOR, and maybe a petting zoo.  It’s becoming like Dangerous Minds up in here.

Scott and his Scooby Gang decide they need to save Malia and get her to turn back into her human form, before her dad inadvertently murders his own flesh and blood in the woods.  But how?  Their first idea is to incapacitate Malia, by shooting her with a tranquilizer gun, and pulling her out of harm’s way.  The problem, of course, is that former expert marksman, Allison, has officially become the worst shot ever.

Option 2, get Scott to ROAR Malia back into humanity, using his newfound nifty Alpha Powers that we so far have yet to see.  But that option is problematic too, for two reasons.  (1) Scott is having some serious performance anxiety when it comes to  . . . um . .  . erecting his inner Alpha; and (2) he’s terrified that once he goes Alpha, he’ll get all Manic Gorilla-ey like Peter, murder all his friends, and pretty much remain a monster for all eternity. ..

Quite a pickle . . .

But surely, there must be someone out there who can help Scott learn to Roar like baby Simba in The Lion King, or Katy Perry in that video, where she hangs out in the jungle?  But who?

“Hakuna Matata?”

The Bash Brothers

To be honest, I’m not quite sure what beating the crap out of Scott has to do with getting him to harness his Inner Alpha.  But it sure as heck is fun to watch . . .

*insert bad 90’s video game music here*

It would be nice to see Scott fight back a little bit though . . .

“Is this the part where I turn green and start smashing things?”

I mean, seriously, dude, you are supposed to be the King of the Jungle . . . the epitome of the Alpha Male.  For heaven sakes, grow a pair!

Meanwhile, the stakes are getting higher, as Malia’s dad busies himself booby-trapping the entire woods around Beacon Hills with coyote traps.  Dude needs a job . . . bad.  The good news is that I hear this church in New Orleans is looking for a new Priest . .  .

Nom-nom, tastes like Allison.

While gearing up to tranquilize Malia, and flirting with Isaac over vials of pee (Sexy!), Allison once again finds herself in a Dream World being tortured by Sweet Auntie Kate.  This time, Allison fantasizes that she’s a corpse with exposed entrails, and an oddly-still beating heart.  Kate is the lead surgeon  / person performing her autopsy?  Oh yeah, she’s also the leader of a pack of vampire-fanged cannibals, who start hungrily munching on her insides, like they are at the Sunday Breakfast Buffet at Dennys.

“Feeling kind of exposed here?  Can someone pass me a towel?”

*insert sloppy eating sounds*

When Allison wakes up, she’s pointing a tranquilizer gun at Isaac’s head.  That’s odd?  She didn’t have a gun in her dream . . .

“Is this foreplay?”

Follow that Doll!

Sheriff Stilinski arrives at Malia’s dad’s house to scold him for potentially chopping off all the pretty manicured toesies of the nice lady joggers in Beacon Hills with his Big Mean Coyote Traps.

“Busted.”

“I have what you would call a Home Shopping Network Problem.”

While there, the two notice a break in the doggie door of the Tate family home that was most certainly not caused by the family dog.

“I’m innocent!”

It’s Were-Malia.  She took that damn doll again!  Now, not only is the Scooby Gang on her tail, but deadly daddy is en route as well.  Start your engines, boys!  It’s time for a Chase Scene.

“Say hello to my little friend.”

Because Lydia and Stiles are clearly the Velma and Daphne of this Scooby Gang,  (I leave it to you to decide which is which.)  they, of course, are the ones who finally figure out Were Malia’s true motivations with regard to the Ugly Ass Doll.  Apparently, Ugly Ass Doll belongs to her dead baby sister.  And all the poor little Coyote is trying to do is bring it back to the site where she died, and pay her coyote-ish respects.  Is that too much to ask, dammit?

“See, I’m misunderstood.  I just want to be loved.”

The twist:  The real Big Bad of the episode is . . .  wait for it . . . ME!  MR.COYOTE TRAP!

Now, all the Scooby Gang has to do is help Malia get to the car wreck, before her father murders her canine ass.  Easy, right?  Maybe not . . .

Within seconds, Isaac and Lydia both have their toesies stuck in coyote traps.  Allison can’t shoot.  Stiles can’t read the instructions to dismantle the traps.   And Scott can’t roar.  This is one sorry ass Scooby Gang, if I ever saw one.

And another one down . . .

another one down . . .

another one bites the dust . . .

With just ten minutes left in the episode, Allison, Scott and Stiles must cure their psychological demons fast.  Allison, with some encouraging words from her “anchor” Isaac, starts talking to herself in French, and, just like that she’s CURED!  Hooray.

Nighty, night Papa Tate!  Have a nice nap!

“Back to being awesome.  Thank you very much.”

Unfortunately, Stiles still can’t read.  So, his anchor Lydia has to go with a Plan B.  “Words are so last season,” Lydia explains to Stiles.   “Geniuses like you and me, don’t need to read.  We just know stuff, because the plot makes it so.”

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And so, Stiles The Genius calmly dismantles the trap from Lydia’s toesies.   And small children everywhere learn that reading is for losers, and totally unnecessary for your survival, provided you have a pretty red head at your side to solve your mental problems for you.  Thanks, Teen Wolf!

As for Scott, well . . . you held him down, but he got up!  Already brushing off the dust.  You hear his voice, you hear that sound, like thunder going to shake the ground.   I’m tired of quoting this song.  But, long story short, you are going to hear him roar, dammit!

Mufasa would be proud, Young McCall . . . (Pumba and Timon too.)

Bamn!  Were Coyote Malia presto change-os back into the pretty chick from The Secret Circle. 

“Where’s the rest of my coven?  How did I get here?  Why am I naked?  Whose the guy with the fugly face?”

“Hey I didn’t make disparaging comments about you when you were in canine form!”

She returns to her dad, and everyone lives happily ever after . . . apart from about 7 or 8 years of intense psychological damage, and the fact that this is an 18-year old girl with the education level of a fourth grader. 

DAD: “I’m going to try really hard not to blame you for inadvertently bringing about the rest of our family’s death.”

MALIA: “Cool, I’ll try really hard not to blame you for very purposefully trying to murder me for the past nine years of my life.”

The good news is that now Stiles can have company in his Hooked on Phonics Class!  But wait . . . magically, at the end of the episode, Stiles can read signs on dashboard mirrors.  He’s cured!

Sorry Malia, looks like you have to remain a lone wolf, after all . .  .

And now for your weekly cliffhangers. . .

In their former captors’ casa, Derek and Peter find a box filed with  . . . wait for it .. .

Haha, I knew I’d get use out of that ridiculous gif again.  Anywhoo, inside the . . .

 . . . is a trinket with a mysterious symbol on it . ..

So, basically all that mountain ash was just really expensive bubble wrap . . . Sorry boys!

(Yeah, yeah, I know, I’m sure that trinket will end up being Super Important.  I’m just being obnoxious for the sake of being obnoxious.  Just call me, Sassy Peter.)

Elsewhere, someone pulled up a plant from the nemeton, causing fireflies to escape and turn into . . . Firefly People?

Got any bug spray?  Something tells me Beacon Hills is about to need A LOT of bug spray . . .

Until next time, Werebangers!