Is this a bad time? – A Recap of the Mid-Season Premiere of Pretty Little Liars, “She’s Better Now”

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Hola, my Pretties!  And welcome back to Rosewood, a town where everybody knows your nAme, and nobody ever uses  a lowercase “A”.  . .

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“Is this a bad time?”  Those are the first words out of Mona van derWaal’s mouth in the new season, as she hovers creepily over a sleeping Hanna’s bed in the middle of the night.

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I heard a song once that says, “There’s a time for every purpose, under Heaven.”

And while that’s a nice sentiment, I firmly believe that there are some things for which it is NEVER a good time.  For instance, here’s a hint for you, Supposedly-Not-Crazy-Anymore MONA.  There is NEVER a good time to break into someone’s house and hover over them, while they sleep, because you want them to be your friend again, despite your once having tried to run them over with your car . . .

There is also never a good time to stalk down your school’s hallways, brandishing a cow’s brain on a sharp steak knife . . . except, perhaps, if you are trying to feed a pack of hungry zombies, and feel the cow’s brain is preferable to your own brain as a meal choice.

Spencer, there is never a good time to sit in the hot tub with Evil Abs Toby.  I don’t care how sexy his six-pack looks underwater, or how good it feels when his wet hands massage your back.

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Oh, and Aria?  There is never a good time to wear an outfit that looks like this . . .

Though I suspect there are some who would disagree with me.  Like This Guy . . .

Those Rosewood girls, they never learn. Let’s review, shall we?

Grand Theft Toby

It’s a well-known fact that you are nobody in Rosewood, until someone in a black hoodie tries to run you down in their car.

This seems to be sort of a rite of passage in this quaint town, where members of the illustrious A-team seem to drive around all night, every night, with literally nothing to do but to dig up long-dead corpses’ bodies, and play “Hulk, SMASH!” with the toesies of innocent bystanders.

In that case, Welcome to the Club, Lucas Random Skateboard Dude!  You’ve just been Grand Theft Tobied . . .

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You weren’t really planning on using that Big Toe, anyway, were you, Lucas Random Skateboard Dude?

“Please stick a fork in my neck”

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It’s been a banner morning for the PLL girls.  Emily’s under house arrest, because her dad would prefer that psychos wearing hoodies not run over her toes with a car, thank you very much.  Sound over protective?  Sure, except when you remember that, a few weeks back, THIS DOUCHE tried to have Emily and her New Girlfriend killed . . . because he’d already killed her old one . . .

Hanna’s just learned that she has a crazy cousin Heshy, who once served his parents rusty nails drenched in milk for breakfast.  No wonder the poor girl has had issues with food all her life!  I wonder if being a Rusty Nail-Eating Loony Tune is genetic . . .

All of Aria’s friends now think her dad killed Ali, because he hung out with her the night she died.  For what it’s worth, Aria, I don’t think your dad’s a murderer, I just think he’s a major asshole . . .

His shirts are also way too tight.

But that’s not all.   The most petite PLL just found out her father’s mistress is teaching her class in U.S. Government.  And the Slutty Wench just confiscated her iPhone!

Remember that time when this biatch was in the movie Center Stage, and we actually didn’t want to stick a fork in her neck?

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Talk about history!

Is it any wonder Aria is talking about gouging herself with eating utensils?

Speaking of Bad Days . . .

MOOOOOOve over Mona !

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True Story . . . when I was in sixth grade, my school made me dissect a cow’s brain.  It was slimy, and smelled bad.  Plus, multiple times during the dissection, I could have sworn that I heard it Moo.

Needless to say, the image of the stabbed brain in Mona’s locker, and it’s cryptic accompanying message, “It takes one mad cow to know another,” brought back some bad memories for me.

“Is that a brain?”  Hanna asks helpfully, when her erstwhile friend makes the MOO-orbid locker discovery.

Good call, Hanna!  I thought it was a cupcake!

Hanna helpfully suggests that Mona close her locker door, brains and all.  Maybe nobody will notice!  Especially not in a place like Rosewood, where people murder lab rats, and keep random body parts in their lockers all the time!

But Mona will not go quietly.  Instead she stabs that knife deeper into that cow brain and holds it proudly in the air, as she takes a long walk down the hallway.  Yeah, because THAT doesn’t look crazy at all.

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“What’s the matter?  Never seen a brainy girl before?”

In most school’s Mona’s ridiculous actions would land her a first-class trip right back to the loony bin where she belongs. But here in Crazy Town, this is just another day . . . and perhaps, an opportunity for another YouTube video . . .

After her little Catwalk of Crazy, Mona whispers something cryptic in Lucas’ ear, and stalks back down the hallway.  Hanna tries to find out what she said, but Lucas just limps away guiltily.  Poor Lucas!  It looks like he may have needed that Big Toe, after all!

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Remember back when Lucas was funny and adorable like this?  I miss that!

Many fans suspect that Mona told Lucas that he should help her make THIS video, which became a Rosewood YouTube sensation, shortly after the whole brain incident.  It also made the obvious psychopath instantly well liked and popular, because apparently Rosewood High is a School for the Dumb.

Anyway, the video . . . here it is, in its entirety:

Do you think that’s Lucas on the other end of the camera?  Feel free to shout out your opinions in the comment section.

But back to the whole limping thing, Hanna suspects that Lucas is limping, because he may very well be the person who tried to throw Aria from the train on Halloween night.  You know . . . when she was hanging out in that coffin with dead Garrett, and stabbed someone with a nail?  Good times.

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She begs her boyfriend to get the scoop.  You know, because murderous people who try to throw others off trains, make for really great interviews!  Caleb comes back empty handed, but Hanna later gets Lucas to admit to her that Mona has been sneaking out of the nuthouse, since she first went in there.  “That’s all I can say,” Lucas admits sadly.

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Poor Lucas.  He’s definitely the Beta kid of this A Team.  He gets to do all the dirty jobs, with none of the respect or the rewards.  Not to mention, it’s pretty obvious he’s still hung up on Hanna, and hates having to play any part in hurting her.  I can’t help but feel sorry for the guy.  Even if he does sometimes have a really bad case of the Crazy Eyes . . .

Meanwhile, outside the school . . .

Hand Grenade Hugs and Moonlighting Janitors

Have you ever noticed that ever since Evil Abs Toby has been outed as a member of the A Team, he has this perpetual puss on his face, like a cartoon super villain?  It’s like you can almost hear the maniacal laugh track of “MWAH-HAHA,” every time he opens his mouth.

And you would  think that Spencer — who used to be the kind of girl who would be suspicious of a bunny rabbit, if it looked at her funny — would notice that her supposedly loving boyfriend has suddenly caught a case of the EVIL EYES.  But nope!  B*tch is totally clueless . . . just rambling on and on, about how Facelift Jason is putting his life in his hands by being nice to Crazy Mona.

“He’s hugging a hand grenade,” Spencer scoffs, as she pulls Evil Abs Toby into a loving embrace.

You see, that’s the thing about hand grenades.  They come in many shapes and sizes.  Sometimes, they even have six-pack abs . . .

Meanwhile, it appears that the Weirdo Norman Bates-y dude who owned the hotel where Mona kept her evil lair is suddenly moonlighting at the high school as a janitor, and carting around a bag filled with Mona’s creepy crap.

Oh, hello Ugly Baby Mask!  I missed you . . .

Again, who the heck runs security at this school?  It seems like the entire payroll is filled with wackadoos and sociopaths!

No offense, Fitzy .  . .

And Aria’s mom . . .

I particularly liked the scene where Emily and Hanna go stalking the janitor,  and try to hide, when they are almost discovered.  Something tells me that, as a child Hanna was the kid you never wanted on your team during Hide and Seek . . . just a hunch . . .

I also liked the part when the creepy janitor started literally sniffing around the hallway for the girls, as if he could SMELL their presence.  Time to lay off the perfume, my pretties . .

Hit me with a baby one more time . . .

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Aria and her scary animal print outfit are having a fine old time with Fitzy, when the former finds a “Congrats on your baby boy,” gift basket parked on Fitzy’s apartment doorstep.

Ruh ROH!  I guess A found out about Fitzy’s secret love child with Alex Mack, after all.  Aria’s eyes pop out of her head, as she disposes of the gift basket, before Ezzie can find it.  (I don’t know.  That seems like kind of a waste to me.  Those gift bags are expensive!)

Personally, I don’t think it’s fair for Aria to keep this BIG BABY secret from Fitzy.  After all, America’s favorite unemployed English teacher has a right to know that he has a spawn out there somewhere, who just might share his genetic propensity for having pasty white legs, being attracted to younger women, and writing REALLY BAD poetry . . .

Hot Tub Time Machine

Remember back when Toby and Spencer were the World’s Sweetest Couple?  When every time he took off his shirt we clapped . . . and every time he hugged Spencer, lovingly touched her hair, and/or patiently told her to “shut the f*&k up about A, it’s all you ever talk about” we swooned?

Yeah, now the writers are just laughing at us with all this “Toby is Evil” stuff.  Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy seeing Spencer and Toby get all hot and sweaty after a run.  And I still clap when Toby sits in the hot tub shirtless, massaging Spencer’s shoulders.  The only difference is that now, enjoying it makes me feel like a bad person.

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Thanks a lot, writers!

That said, I love the repeated irony of Spencer getting jumpy about sounds that go bump in the night, when, inches away from her (shirtless, of course) is the dude who probably killed Police Boy Garrett, and Creepy Pedo Ian.  Talk about sleeping with the enemy!

Pretty Little Cheaters

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As a sort-of/kind of runner (albeit a ridiculously slow one), I’m thinking I’m probably the only one who was annoyed by the girls totally cutting out of their charity race at Mile 2, to break into Creepy Janitor’s Lair of Old PLL Props.   Did they ever finish the race?  Or did they just cut to Mile 6, and jog triumphantly to finish line?  Fitzy said he donated HALF his unemployment money for this!  And he only has ONE HAIRY LIME in his fridge to eat!

Now that’s just rude!

That said, I’m kind of impressed at what savvy criminals these four have become over the past three seasons.  Emily successfully disables her dad’s first rate alarm system to sneak out of her house, in order to go on this mission.  Spencer expertly breaks into the Janitor’s lair, using nothing but a bobby pin, and sheer force of will.

And Aria, upon finding incriminating evidence that could one day be used to implicate her Craptastic Dad in Ali’s murder, quickly pockets the offending booty.  But more on that, in just a bit . . .

Newsflash: Aria’s Dad is Poopface .  . . oh, wait, we already knew that?

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This week on PLL, we learned that Dead Ali was blackmailing Boring Byron with knowledge about his affair with Skanky Meredith, and that this is probably why she had piles of money stashed away in her room.  (Then again, maybe she just had a gambling problem.)

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We found this out from Creepy Janitor, who randomly had Dead Ali’s diary in Creepy Janitor’s House of Old PLL Props, just hanging out, and waiting to be read.

Boring Byron thinks we should just be happy to know he wasn’t sleeping with the 14-year old.  He thinks that makes him a Good Dad!

You know what else he thinks makes him a Good Dad?  Accusing his daughter of trying to blow up his slutball mistress at a school charity event.  (That’s right.  It seems that, while the girls were in the Janitor’s Closet playing Hide the Diary.  The A Team went and literally BLEW UP MEREDITH, off screen!  HILARIOUS.  Too bad she survived.)

Anyway, it’s always good to know your parents trust and support you  . . .

Ugh, this guy sucks so bad, I skeeve, whenever he’s on screen.  I’m just pissed he wasn’t in the schoolhouse with Happy Hobag Meredith, when Obviously-Not-Aria tried to blow her up.  Better luck next time . . .

Speaking of Skeevy . . .

Toward the end of the episode, we find Mona and Jason getting frisky together.  (Geez, don’t any of the guys on this show date people their own age?)  She’s fawning over a very rusty-nail looking wound on Facelift Jason’s tummy.  Then again, it could also be a BURN MARK.

Has Facelift Jason been part of the A Team all along?  Was he the one who Aria stabbed with a nail, when he tried to throw her coffin off the train on Halloween?  Did he try to blow up Boring Byron’s girlfriend Moronic Meredith at the Charity Event?

Tune in next week to find out . . .

And finally . . .

In the last scene of the episode, Evil Abs Toby screws around with the wheels on some random guy’s bike, who may or may not be the dude who put the brain in Mona’s locker.  (That’s funny.  I was certain she put that in herself?)

This, of course, just goes to show you that NO ONE is safe on the streets of Rosewood, not even extras, who don’t have speaking parts on the show.  Be afraid, Teens!  Be very afraid . . .

Until next time, my Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

“This site is cursed!” – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Stolen Kisses”

[Hey there, Werebangers!  Your recap for Teen Wolf’s “Battlefield” is on its way!  It should be posted by early evening, at the latest.  Thanks for your patience! :)]

Welcome back, my Pretties!  This week on Pretty Little Liars, Caleb and Aria both learn how “the other half lives” (and by “other half,” I mean “stinking filthy rich half”), Hanna reads a lot of really big words from a bunch of really little note cards, everybody and their brother hit on Emily, and a whole lot of people experience . . . wait for it . . . “stolen kisses.”

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P.S. WRREEEEEEENNN!!!! (Dude sure does get around, doesn’t he?)

Let’s review, shall we?

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“The Great Fitzy” by Ezra . . . Fitzgerald?

Ahh, Fitzy.

Technically, we’ve known the guy since the pilot episode.  And yet, he is still such an enigma.  I mean, sure, we know he writes crappy poetry . . . enjoys bike riding, while wearing scandalously short shorts . . .

On second thought, maybe not so short . . .

. . . keeps hairy limes in his fridge . . .

. . .  and has a psychopathic ex-girlfriend named Jackie, who occasionally makes him utter serial killer lines like this . . .

But what else do we REALLY know about this ex-high school English teacher, turned ex-college professor turned . . . future “journalist?”

Actually, this week we got to add quite a few important pieces of information to our dossier entitled “Fitzy.”  For instance:

(1) Interesting Fitzy Fact Number 1: His last name is actually “Fitzgerald.”

You know, like the guy who wrote “The Great Gatsby,” i.e. the book about all the rich, shallow and snooty people now a movie starring Leonardo DiCaprio.  This actually brings me to my next point . . .

(2) Interesting Fitzy Fact Number 2:  He’s actually filthy rich . . . or, at least, his parents are . . .

It looks like everyone’s favorite former teacher, has been holding out a bit on Aria  . . . dining on Ramen Noodles with her, and slurping generic brand soda, when they could have been eating caviar (which is, in his defense, is gross, anyway) and sipping champagne.  At least this kind-of / sort of explains, the unemployed guy’s recent penchant for expensive antique cameras, and fancy cars (though, of course, the jury is still out on those). . . .

Oh, and remember that time that Fitzy picked up Aria in a limousine for their “first date” to the Philadelphia museum?  Suddenly, that’s making a whole lot more sense too . . .

Of course, the discovery Fitzy’s flush finances brings about an even more interesting question.  Why does he live like such a poor slob, when he can live like a royal?  Yeah . . . about that . . .

(3) Interesting Fitzy Fact Number 3: Fitzy’s Mommy is the Rich B*tch Mom Archetype from Every Movie or TV Show You Have Ever Seen . . .

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.  Rich Boy / Girl falls in love with Not-so-Rich Girl / Boy, but Rich Boy / Girl’s parents don’t approve of the relationship.  So, they try to sabotage it in the only way they know how, by throwing money at the problem.  It’s pretty much the least original relationship storyline ever.

And yet, this particular tale of upper class meets upper-middle class “star crossed lovers” has much less to do with why Fitzy’s family sucks so bad, and more to do with what it says about Fitzy and Aria as human beings.  Those of us (myself included), who have occasionally criticized Fitzy for lacking a bit of a backbone, were undoubtedly pleasantly surprised this week, when he immediately stood up to his mother on Aria’s behalf, even if that meant shunning wealth and a family connection.  So, often in these type of stories, we see the “rich love interest” caving to his or her callous family’s demands.  Not so here.

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On another positive note, those of us who have occasionally criticized Aria for being a bit self-absorbed, were also pleasantly surprised to see her taking to heart some of the not entirely untrue criticisms Fitzy’s mom lodged at her, during the art benefit.  After all, while Fitzy did personally choose to continue to pursue a relationship with Aria, despite the risks it held for his teaching career, it must be said that had he never met or dated Aria, he’d still likely be teaching English at Rosewood.  Though it came from a judgmental and manipulative source, it was refreshing seeing Aria maturely evaluate the role she is playing in Fitzy’s life.  It shows just how much she really cares about him.

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You know, these two crazy kids  . . . well, this one crazy kid, and this other crazy adult . . . might just make it after all . . .

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A third refreshing turn of events in this storyline.   For once, Papa Montgomery actually wasn’t a total douchenozzle!  Way to be a decent dad, by reminding your daughter that she plays a positive role in her boyfriend’s life, despite the fact that said boyfriend is someone you, personally, hate.

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I’m still glad Mama Montgomery is dumping your ass for the American Pie Guy though . . .

In other relationship news . . .

If you wanna know, if she loves you so, it’s in her . . . flask?

Why is Emily’s Lost Night at the Gravesite storyline, suddenly becoming the gay girl’s version of the Hangover movies?

First she was in Jenna’s car, then she was at some diner, now, apparently she was sucking face at Paige’s house, then she may or may not have helped dig up her ex best friend’s grave.  For a girl who was roofied to the point of almost unconsciousness, Emily Fields sure was a busy little beaver, wasn’t she?  (No pun intended.)

Anywhoo, when Emily tries to apologizes to Paige for inadvertently drugging her into a jealous cupcake spitting rage with her Flask of Truth, she learns that Paige has been keeping a Very Big Secret from her.  Apparently, on the Night that Shall Not Be Named but we are going to keep bringing it up anyway, Emily found herself on Paige’s doorstep, drugged out of her mind.  This of course, did not stop Emily from sticking her tongue down Paige’s throat.  And it certainly didn’t stop Paige from letting Emily stick her tongue down Paige’s throat, even though, afterward she felt incredibly guilty for doing so . . .

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I know a lot of fans were kind of harsh on Paige for letting Emily make out with her, when she was so clearly not in her right state of mind.  And, as many of you know, I’m far from Paige’s biggest fan, especially after the whole “Trying to Drown Emily” thing.

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*dunk, gurgle, gurgle, glug*

That said, anyone who has experienced unrequited crushing can certainly relate to how difficult it would be to stop the object of your affection from kissing you, when its something you’ve wanted for so long.

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Now, I think I’d feel much differently about the situation, had Paige and Emily done more than kiss that night.  But simply allowing an inebriated person to make out with you, is not a crime.  Anyone who’s been to a high school or college party can tell you that.

However, Paige’s decision to hide this important information from Emily for as long as she did is a bit suspect in my eyes.  Also suspect?  Emily’s rationale that because she made out with Paige while nearly unconscious, she must secretly looooooove her.

I mean, don’t get me wrong.  I’m a firm believer in the fact that people shouldn’t use alcohol as an excuse for bad behavior.  Being drunk might lower your inhibitions, but it doesn’t completely deprive you of control of your own mind, and bodily functions.  (Well, at least most bodily functions . . .)

People who do things while drunk should not be excused from taking responsibility for them when sober.

That said, I think it’s safe to say Emily was more than just “drunk” on the night in question.  And because of her state, things happened to her over which she clearly had no control.  We know that a sober Emily would never have left her PLL friends to get into a car with not-blind Jenna.  And she certainly wouldn’t have chosen to hover over Ali’s open, recently robbed, grave with a shovel.  So, maybe, just maybe, Emily should take her actions on the Lost Night with a grain of salt . . .

“I ain’t sayin’ she’s a gravedigger, but she ain’t messin’ with no corpsey corpse .  . .”

Then again, had she done that, us fans wouldn’t have been treated to this awesome Olympic quality late night synchronized swimming session  . . .

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Step aside, Michael Phelps!

Meanwhile . . .

In which Nate gets creepier, Toby gets madder, and Caleb gets a WHOLE lot richer . . .

The obvious serial killer psychosis of Maya’s supposed cousin Nate continues to both intrigue and frighten me.  If you recall, it was Nate’s idea that Emily probably acted out her subconscious desires while under the influence.

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And while, as I said, his statement wasn’t entirely incorrect, Nate’s assertion that people who do “bad things” in their dreams, are the same as people who do bad things in real life sounded like a guy trying to justify his own bad acts . . . his own “murderous” acts, perhaps?

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I mean, really, who besides a killer could argue that thinking about killing somebody is just as bad as actually killing somebody?

In other creepy Nate says news, Nate memorably noted that he could “totally see himself” committing murder,  when he saw Garrett that day at the hospital, even going as far as saying that the Police Boy was “better of dead.”  Once again, Nate seems to be attempting to rationalize away murder as something “anybody could do.”

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Couple that with the guy skulking around Emily’s and Maya’s lakehouse, and hijacking Emily’s personal memories of Maya as his own (“OH!  We used to do that too!”), and we are starting to get a pretty frightening picture of who this guy might be . . .

In light of the PLL girl’s recent discovery that Maya was seen getting into Police Boy’s Police Car on the day of her death, and the hints we’ve received lately, both from Mona, and Maya herself,  that she “knew” a secret about Ali’s death, I have a new theory about Maya’s last moments.  Wanna hear it?

Sure you do!

OK . . . so now I’m thinking that Maya found out about Ali having a murderous twin who really killed Alison, and decided to bring that information to the cops, hence her secret rendezvous with Police Boy Garrett.  The only problem was that secret camp stalker boy Nate, saw these two together, and assumed they were hooking up.  So, Nate kills Maya in a jealous rage, and is only too relieved when the deed is pinned on the police boy he hates . . .

Sounds pretty plausible, right?

Speaking of rages, Abs Toby is PISSED at Spencer for unwittingly making him a fellow Obstructer (Is that a real word?) of Justice regarding that whole “hit and run” thing that happened with Drunken Jason and his car . . . especially, now that Drunken Jason seems to be MIA . . .

Fortunately, for Spencer, she has another boy toy, with which to buy her time.  And it’s . . . wait for it . .  . CALEB!

That’s right!  Hanna’s ex-beau has been logging in some serious bonding time with Rosewood favorite super sleuth, as the two worked together to crack the code of Maya’s website.  (Even though we all know the password was “IMMD,” anyway!)  Truth be told,  Caleb and Spencer used to not really have all that much in common, considering that Spencer spent her spare time in country clubs, and Caleb slept in the school library.  But now that Caleb wears $400 sweaters, and drives some fancy schmancy car, they, apparently, have plenty to talk about .  . .

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Now, in Caleb’s defense, he promises that the reason he’s helping Spencer crack Maya’s code (that sounds a little dirty) is to protect Hanna.

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But as we all know, on PLL, good intentions always seem to lead to making out with someone you shouldn’t . . .

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 . . . which leads me to . . .

Now, Mona won’t have to “Miss (Her) Dolls”

It’s a bit ironic that while Spencer is spending quality time with Hanna’s ex beau, Hanna ends up locking lips with one of Spencer’s.  It all stars when Doctor Sexy Pants Wren approaches Hanna with the “bad” news that Mona is going to be relocated to another nuthouse, if Hanna doesn’t speak on her behalf.

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Sheesh!  Hanna really must be the most forgiving person ON THE PLANET.  I mean, if someone tried to ruin my life, and kill ME, you could be damn sure, I wouldn’t be appearing before some medical board in a suit, talking about how much I wanted to keep that person living down the street from me, as opposed to “far, far away” where she belongs.

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I don’t know, I think brown rat asses are kind of cute!

Nevertheless, Hanna’s initially rehearsed, but, eventually extemporaneous, plea to allow Mona to stay at Radley, was oddly sweet and touching .  . .

. . . you know . . . if you ignore completely the fact that Mona is a TOTAL PSYCHOPATH . . .

After the speech is over, Wren comes to Hanna to share with her the good news.  Crazy Town Mona is HERE TO STAY!  Umm, yay?

Well, Hanna certainly seems thrilled with the results of her presentation . . . so, thrilled, in fact, that she plants a big juicy wet smooch on Wren’s lips.

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Ahhh . . . well, I certainly can’t blame anyone for making out with that adorable, delectable Brit.  And if a relationship with Hanna, means more Wren on my TV screen, then, of course, I’m all for it.

But I have to say, I think Wren has much more chemistry with Spencer . . .

And Hanna has much more chemistry with Caleb . . .

. . . than Wren and Hanna do with one another.  Does anyone else agree?

And the Password to Maya’s Super Morbid Secret Site is . . . ummm . . .

As I hinted at earlier, this week was also the week we finally got a peek at Maya’s password-locked website, which ended up somewhat of a cross between a private YouTube account,  and a Facebook page,  filled as it was with quirky, cute, video diaries, and a whole lot of pictures of Emily and Maya together.  At this point, I suspect the series has really only scratched the surface of what sort of easter eggs the Masssugar.com site has in regard to Maya’s secrets / final days on Earth.

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Of course, we got the obligatory, Morbid / Unintentionally Frightening videos you always see on the type of shows where the main characters are investigating the personal thoughts of the recently deceased.  For example, Maya eerily predicting that her own website was “cursed,” and her ironic proclamation that she’s “always losing things.”

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But I suspect the video that will become most important is the one of a frightened and tearful Maya (dressed in the same outfit she was wearing shortly after she came home from “camp”) talking about no longer being afraid,  and finally revealing her secrets.

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The question is WHAT secrets was she planning to reveal.  Were they the ones about her stalker Nate?  Or were they the one’s about Ali and her secret crazy twin?  And were those secrets dangerous enough, that someone would kill her rather than risk having them revealed?

The plot . . . it thickens.

Speaking of thick, like many fans (including my awesome pal Sassy Fran, who did a kickass video blog of the episode this week), I was kind of annoyed at my PLL girls for pretty blatantly ignoring some of Mona’s most important coded clues from last week, i.e. Maya Knew, and PW: IMMD.  Since Caleb got into Maya’s site through “back door” methods, we never did get to find out whether either of these were the password for Maya’s site.

I suspect Marlene King and Co. are waiting for a later episode to reveal the importance of these clues.  That said, since Mona DID mention them last week, and most fans picked up on them, almost immediately thereafter, I think the writers were remiss in not, at least, acknowledging there existence.

But hey, what I do I know?  I’m just a lazy recapper . . .

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Anywhoo, that was “Stolen Kisses” in a nutshell.  Next week on PLL . . .

As Scooby Doo would say, “Ruh ROH!”

Until next time, my Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

The Baby Squirreling of Ezra Fitz – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “That Girl is Poison”

 

[Hey folks!  My Teen Wolf recap for “Raving” has been a bit delayed.  (Real life has intruded :(.)  But not to worry!  I will definitely try to have it up within the next 24 hours.]

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Hey there, my Pretties!  I know it’s been a while .  . .

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But coming to the party late, is better than not showing up at all, right?

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Anyway, this week’s episode of PLL was all about Fitzy’s nuts, Paige’s cupcakes, Police Boy Garrett’s flowers, and Lucas’ little blue pills.  (And we all know what little blue pills are REALLY for, don’t we?)

It all sounds a little dirty, when you put it that way, doesn’t it?  So put on your favorite black hoodie, take a big gulp from that skeevy old flask you’ve been hiding in your closet, and write a nice letter to that lady in the coma, because it’s time for another Pretty Little Recap . . .

Fitzy finds his nuts, again!

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Poor, little Fitzy!  It sure is hard out their for unemployed teacher . . . forced by circumstances (sort of?) beyond his control to eat furry limes out of his fridge, and mooch off of his underage girlfriend.  And while Aria tries her best to be supportive . . .

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(Once again, a completely harmless sentence that sounds totally kinky, when taken out of context.)

Fitzy is still feeling a wee bit low.  And he will NOT, I repeat NOT eat that tasty sandwich Aria bought for him.  The man has PRIDE, after all . . .  and hairy limes.

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Aria doesn’t get it.  So, she wants to feed her man, every once in a while.  What’s the big deal?  But clever Spencer knows better.  She’s dated “The Poor” before.  Remember Alex?

(If not, that’s OK.  The writers don’t seem to remember him, either.)

Spencer accuses Aria of “baby squirreling” Fitzy, and consequently taking away his nuts . . .

Now, being baby squirreled is something that Aria can understand.  She didn’t like it very much when Fitzy did it to her . . .

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  So, how does she respond?  By, making Fitzy take her to her enemy Not-Blind-Anymore Jenna’s birthday party, of course!  You know, because nothing says “I feel like a grown man,” like attending a high school birthday party, where everyone is dressed up like characters from Alice in Wonderland!

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So, you can’t really blame Fitzy for overcompensating a bit, by forking over some serious cash he doesn’t have, on a massively expensive old school camera for Aria, who has suddenly become a real photography aficionado.  (First it’s writing, then pottery, now photography.  What’s next Aria, underwater basket weaving?)  Though, you can blame him for bad gift wrapping.  Come on, Fitzy!  A brown paper bag?  That’s what you use to “gift” the cheap malt liquor your 18-year old cousin with the mustache, bought with his fake ID . . . not an antique item that would have easily cost two months of your old teaching salary.  No wonder, Aria thought the darn camera fell off the back of some truck!

Aria tells Fitzy he doesn’t need to buy her fancy things, just to prove to her what big nuts he has.  She likes him just the way he is, unemployed and poor, but good enough looking that he may just get hired at the strip club, where Magic Mike was filmed . . .

That’s when Fitzy gives Aria the good news.  He’s a WORKING MAN, now . . . but not at the strip club, unfortunately for us . . .

That’s right, My Pretties, our main man Fitz is a real live “journalist.”  It makes sense.  I mean, someone has to cover all those murders that seem to happen around his girlfriend on a daily basis!  It might as well be Fitzy . . .

Everyone’s favorite former teacher wants to celebrate his re-entrance into the world of having health insurance with a nice romantic dinner.  (Ease up on the spending, buddy!  Journalists don’t get paid that much!)  But Aria has a better idea.  Why not leave Fitzy at the kiddie party, while she breaks into the photography studio, where the newly “EVIL” Lucas is hiding his not-so-secret cemetery porn pics, and blue roofies?

Oh girlfriend, you’re lucky that you’re pretty . . . that’s all I’ve gotta say . . .

But since we’re on the subject of Lucas . . .

Creepy!Lucas is creepy . . .

 Awww man!  Down the shame spiral my once second favorite male character on this show (second only to WREEENNNNNN!) continues to go.  Not only is he involved in shady online gambling activities, sneaking into people’s grandma’s houses uninvited, luring people out in shady-looking boats in the middle of the night, skulking around town in the middle of the night like a serial killer, and setting fires in school . . .

 .  . . now, he’s prospectively taking creepy pictures of the Pretty Little Liars, getting fired from photography studios for stealing, trying to break into said photography studios in the middle of the night (good thing Aria got there first!), and storing massive horse pill roofies that cause “temporary amnesia” in his backpack.  At this rate, in a few weeks, they are going to blame Lucas for the start of World Wars I and II.  Who cares if he wasn’t alive back then?

So, is Lucas as eeeevvvill as the writers seem dead set on making him out to be?  I’m going to take a wild guess and say, “No.”  Because really, at this point, having Lucas be the “new A” would be about as surprising as having Mona be the old one . . .

Oops!  Did I write that out loud?

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OK, so now we’ve covered Ezria and Lucas.  So, I guess we should talk about good ole’ Hanna Marin.

Sad!Hanna is sad . . .

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So, what happens this week with Hanna?  Not much . . . to be honest.  She’s been dumped, and she’s bummed . . .

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We’ve all been there.  And it sucks.  So, we can totally understand Hanna wanting to skip school, stay home, chow down on some Chubby Hubby Ice Cream, and listen to sad songs.  But the whole “not able to work a zipper” thing?  That’s something she really should get checked out.  It could be a medical condition . . .

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My lingering concerns about Hanna’s motor skills notwithstanding, I was annoyed at the rest of the characters (particularly her own mother) for repeatedly giving Hanna grief about her choice of outfit . .  .

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For the record, I thought she looked awesome!  It was one of my favorite outfits she’s worn on the show, actually.  (My own fashion tendencies, have always veered more toward Preppy!Spencer, and ComfyCasual! Emily, than their more fashion-forward counterparts, Aria and Hanna.)

Sorry, Hanna!

Anywhoo, when Mama Marin finds out that Hanna’s been skipping school, she forces her to work at some lame church clothes drive thingy . . .

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As bored as Hanna felt, being there, is how I felt watching it.  So, Hanna thumbed through, and made faces at some old clothes?  So, Mama Marin met some random dude who flirted with her?  BOOO-RRRRING . . .

Then again, from the looks of next week’s promo, it seems like the whole “church” thing is going to become increasingly important to the whole “A Team” story line, in the weeks to come.  So, maybe the writers will make me eat my words . . .

In slightly more relevant news . .  .

Police Boy Garrett has sloppy handwriting / bad taste in flowers . . .

Of all the various storylines this week, Spencer’s was he one that interested me the most . . . probably because it seems the most pertinent to the current mystery.  After seeing the Big Bad Hoodie lurking around Police Boy Garrett’s house, at the same time the latter’s mother was being pulled out in a stretcher . . .

the liars, well . . . really more Spencer, than anyone else . . . begin to suspect that the “A” team somehow orchestrated the Police Boy’s mommy’s COMA just to get him out of jail on temporary leave.

 I don’t know . . . that sounds a bit too awful to be believable to me . . . even for “A.”

Nevertheless, Super Sleuth Spencer heads to the hospital to check out what exactly the Police Boy actually does during his so-called “sympathy leave” from jail.  While there, Spencer has a run-in with Deputy Douchey . . .

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 . . . and makes snarky comments about the Police Boy’s choice in floral arrangements for the coma lady . . .

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You know what they say, Spencer.  If you make fun of someone’s flowers, you take away their nuts . . .just saying!

Spencer’s suspicion is instantly piqued when she sees Police Boy slip a card into the carnations for the coma lady.  I mean, that just seems like an insensitive thing to do, right?  That would be like writing a letter to Blind Jenna . . . oh wait . . . nevermind.

When uber-Shady Nate (more on him later) throws a little temper tantrum at the sight of Police Boy Garrett out of jail, Spencer sees an opportunity to get into Police Boy’s mom’s hospital room, and takes it.  Smart Girl!

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But when Spencer gets around to reading the card in the flowers, it actually contains a really sweet and poignant statement (though, I know toddlers with better handwriting than That Guy) . . . something about never giving up on his mother, because SHE never gave up on him, despite his possibly being a mass murderer of teenage girls.  Now, Spencer feels like crap, for doubting the mama’s boy, that is until she finds the piece of paper in Coma Lady’s hand . . .

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Yes, who is this mysterious “April Rose” who supposedly has proof of Police Boy Garrett’s innocence in the murders of Ali, and possibly Maya too?  And who wrote the note, because it sure as heck wasn’t Garrett’s mom!  Many have speculated on “April Rose” actually being some kind of code name for Aria . . . partly because of this . . .

April

Rose

Is

A

And partly because, as we learned in a previous episode “Rose” is Ella Montgomery’s maiden name.  However, I’m still not sure the writers of the show have the guts to make “A” one of the core four.  We all saw what happened last season, right?  So, as much as I’d love to see PLL veer off on this kind of original path, away from the books on which it was originally based.  I’m not getting my hopes up . . .

On the other hand, Maya’s death . . . now, that’s completely uncharted territory . . .

Roofied!Paige likes cupcakes, and why Nate sucks / might be a secret psycho killer . . .

Blah, blah, blah, Jenna’s Sight Birthday Party Blah!  What I wanted was another creepy party, where A tortures the girls.  What I got was a lot of really ugly hats, and Alice in Wonderland . . .

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You can’t use “blind” as an excuse anymore, Jenna!

Heck, half the PLL girls didn’t even attend the party.  And the other half, left long before it was over.  So, why was the party important?  Well, it basically comprised Emily’s storyline for the episode . . . a storyline that involved her attempting to rekindle relations with Paige through ridiculously obvious product placement the Katy Perry movie . . .

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 . . . and ended with Emily having to bail on Paige to work the event, and serve cupcakes.  We got to learn a little more about Paige, this week.   As it turns out, she’s not just the once-closeted gay girl, who tried to drown her crush.  She’s also the once-closeted gay girl, who drinks from old dirty flasks that secretly contain roofies, gorges on cupcakes at parties . . .

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Apparently, she also eats old pennies . . .

. .  . gets jealous when gay girls talk to straight boys, makes an ass of herself in public, and ends up in a hospital with alcohol poisoning.  But hey, at least her hair looks better now!

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Actually, I think the whole point of this storyline had much less to do with Paige and Emily as a couple, and more to do with the fact that SOMEONE had obviously roofied Emily’s flask, the night she wound up at the cemetery, moments after Ali’s corpse had just been dug up.  After all, Paige had (stupidly) drunk from the same flask, and look what happened to her?

In other news, I think Nate isn’t really Maya’s cousin.  In fact, I think he killed her.  Just sayin . . .

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Just hear me out here.  I get that Nate claims to be Maya’s “cousin” who “loved her” and is all “righteously indignant” about the fact that  Garrett got out of jail to see his mom, while Maya is (supposedly) dead?  But something just doesn’t ring true about him . . . like, for example, the way he didn’t know Maya’s parents’ address, something a COUSIN would surely know, particularly following the death of a family member.  For another, his whole story about Maya hanging out in the water with the rest of the “guys” sounds a lot less like a “family story” and a lot more like a “camp story.”  You know, as in “True North” camp?  The camp where Maya was STALKED by a guy, and chose to leave town rather than return?

He also talks about Maya as if she’s a lover, as opposed to a cousin.  And the way he was oozing about how “captivating” Jenna was?  This guy just screams stalker / psycho killer.  I’d like to be wrong.  But somehow, I don’t think I am.  I have one word of advice for you, Emily.  Take your roofied flask, and RUN from this guy . . . far and fast . . .

Until next time, my Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]