Anyway, this week’s episode of PLL was all about Fitzy’s nuts, Paige’s cupcakes, Police Boy Garrett’s flowers, and Lucas’ little blue pills. (And we all know what little blue pills are REALLY for, don’t we?)
It all sounds a little dirty, when you put it that way, doesn’t it? So put on your favorite black hoodie, take a big gulp from that skeevy old flask you’ve been hiding in your closet, and write a nice letter to that lady in the coma, because it’s time for another Pretty Little Recap . . .
Poor, little Fitzy! It sure is hard out their for unemployed teacher . . . forced by circumstances (sort of?) beyond his control to eat furry limes out of his fridge, and mooch off of his underage girlfriend. And while Aria tries her best to be supportive . . .
So, how does she respond? By, making Fitzy take her to her enemy Not-Blind-Anymore Jenna’s birthday party, of course! You know, because nothing says “I feel like a grown man,” like attending a high school birthday party, where everyone is dressed up like characters from Alice in Wonderland!
So, you can’t really blame Fitzy for overcompensating a bit, by forking over some serious cash he doesn’t have, on a massively expensive old school camera for Aria, who has suddenly become a real photography aficionado. (First it’s writing, then pottery, now photography. What’s next Aria, underwater basket weaving?) Though, you can blame him for bad gift wrapping. Come on, Fitzy! A brown paper bag? That’s what you use to “gift” the cheap malt liquor your 18-year old cousin with the mustache, bought with his fake ID . . . not an antique item that would have easily cost two months of your old teaching salary. No wonder, Aria thought the darn camera fell off the back of some truck!
Aria tells Fitzy he doesn’t need to buy her fancy things, just to prove to her what big nuts he has. She likes him just the way he is, unemployed and poor, but good enough looking that he may just get hired at the strip club, where Magic Mike was filmed . . .
That’s when Fitzy gives Aria the good news. He’s a WORKING MAN, now . . . but not at the strip club, unfortunately for us . . .
That’s right, My Pretties, our main man Fitz is a real live “journalist.” It makes sense. I mean, someone has to cover all those murders that seem to happen around his girlfriend on a daily basis! It might as well be Fitzy . . .
Everyone’s favorite former teacher wants to celebrate his re-entrance into the world of having health insurance with a nice romantic dinner. (Ease up on the spending, buddy! Journalists don’t get paid that much!) But Aria has a better idea. Why not leave Fitzy at the kiddie party, while she breaks into the photography studio, where the newly “EVIL” Lucas is hiding his not-so-secret cemetery porn pics, and blue roofies?
Oh girlfriend, you’re lucky that you’re pretty . . . that’s all I’ve gotta say . . .
But since we’re on the subject of Lucas . . .
Creepy!Lucas is creepy . . .
Awww man! Down the shame spiral my once second favorite male character on this show (second only to WREEENNNNNN!) continues to go. Not only is he involved in shady online gambling activities, sneaking into people’s grandma’s houses uninvited, luring people out in shady-looking boats in the middle of the night, skulking around town in the middle of the night like a serial killer, and setting fires in school . . .
. . . now, he’s prospectively taking creepy pictures of the Pretty Little Liars, getting fired from photography studios for stealing, trying to break into said photography studios in the middle of the night (good thing Aria got there first!), and storing massive horse pill roofies that cause “temporary amnesia” in his backpack. At this rate, in a few weeks, they are going to blame Lucas for the start of World Wars I and II. Who cares if he wasn’t alive back then?
So, is Lucas as eeeevvvill as the writers seem dead set on making him out to be? I’m going to take a wild guess and say, “No.” Because really, at this point, having Lucas be the “new A” would be about as surprising as having Mona be the old one . . .
We’ve all been there. And it sucks. So, we can totally understand Hanna wanting to skip school, stay home, chow down on some Chubby Hubby Ice Cream, and listen to sad songs. But the whole “not able to work a zipper” thing? That’s something she really should get checked out. It could be a medical condition . . .
My lingering concerns about Hanna’s motor skills notwithstanding, I was annoyed at the rest of the characters (particularly her own mother) for repeatedly giving Hanna grief about her choice of outfit . . .
For the record, I thought she looked awesome! It was one of my favorite outfits she’s worn on the show, actually. (My own fashion tendencies, have always veered more toward Preppy!Spencer, and ComfyCasual! Emily, than their more fashion-forward counterparts, Aria and Hanna.)
Anywhoo, when Mama Marin finds out that Hanna’s been skipping school, she forces her to work at some lame church clothes drive thingy . . .
As bored as Hanna felt, being there, is how I felt watching it. So, Hanna thumbed through, and made faces at some old clothes? So, Mama Marin met some random dude who flirted with her? BOOO-RRRRING . . .
Then again, from the looks of next week’s promo, it seems like the whole “church” thing is going to become increasingly important to the whole “A Team” story line, in the weeks to come. So, maybe the writers will make me eat my words . . .
In slightly more relevant news . . .
Police Boy Garrett has sloppy handwriting / bad taste in flowers . . .
Of all the various storylines this week, Spencer’s was he one that interested me the most . . . probably because it seems the most pertinent to the current mystery. After seeing the Big Bad Hoodie lurking around Police Boy Garrett’s house, at the same time the latter’s mother was being pulled out in a stretcher . . .
the liars, well . . . really more Spencer, than anyone else . . . begin to suspect that the “A” team somehow orchestrated the Police Boy’s mommy’s COMA just to get him out of jail on temporary leave.
I don’t know . . . that sounds a bit too awful to be believable to me . . . even for “A.”
Nevertheless, Super Sleuth Spencer heads to the hospital to check out what exactly the Police Boy actually does during his so-called “sympathy leave” from jail. While there, Spencer has a run-in with Deputy Douchey . . .
You know what they say, Spencer. If you make fun of someone’s flowers, you take away their nuts . . .just saying!
Spencer’s suspicion is instantly piqued when she sees Police Boy slip a card into the carnations for the coma lady. I mean, that just seems like an insensitive thing to do, right? That would be like writing a letter to Blind Jenna . . . oh wait . . . nevermind.
When uber-Shady Nate (more on him later) throws a little temper tantrum at the sight of Police Boy Garrett out of jail, Spencer sees an opportunity to get into Police Boy’s mom’s hospital room, and takes it. Smart Girl!
But when Spencer gets around to reading the card in the flowers, it actually contains a really sweet and poignant statement (though, I know toddlers with better handwriting than That Guy) . . . something about never giving up on his mother, because SHE never gave up on him, despite his possibly being a mass murderer of teenage girls. Now, Spencer feels like crap, for doubting the mama’s boy, that is until she finds the piece of paper in Coma Lady’s hand . . .
Yes, who is this mysterious “April Rose” who supposedly has proof of Police Boy Garrett’s innocence in the murders of Ali, and possibly Maya too? And who wrote the note, because it sure as heck wasn’t Garrett’s mom! Many have speculated on “April Rose” actually being some kind of code name for Aria . . . partly because of this . . .
And partly because, as we learned in a previous episode “Rose” is Ella Montgomery’s maiden name. However, I’m still not sure the writers of the show have the guts to make “A” one of the core four. We all saw what happened last season, right? So, as much as I’d love to see PLL veer off on this kind of original path, away from the books on which it was originally based. I’m not getting my hopes up . . .
On the other hand, Maya’s death . . . now, that’s completely uncharted territory . . .
Roofied!Paige likes cupcakes, and why Nate sucks / might be a secret psycho killer . . .
Blah, blah, blah, Jenna’s Sight Birthday Party Blah! What I wanted was another creepy party, where A tortures the girls. What I got was a lot of really ugly hats, and Alice in Wonderland . . .
You can’t use “blind” as an excuse anymore, Jenna!
Heck, half the PLL girls didn’t even attend the party. And the other half, left long before it was over. So, why was the party important? Well, it basically comprised Emily’s storyline for the episode . . . a storyline that involved her attempting to rekindle relations with Paige through ridiculously obvious product placement the Katy Perry movie . . .
. . . and ended with Emily having to bail on Paige to work the event, and serve cupcakes. We got to learn a little more about Paige, this week. As it turns out, she’s not just the once-closeted gay girl, who tried to drown her crush. She’s also the once-closeted gay girl, who drinks from old dirty flasks that secretly contain roofies, gorges on cupcakes at parties . . .
Actually, I think the whole point of this storyline had much less to do with Paige and Emily as a couple, and more to do with the fact that SOMEONE had obviously roofied Emily’s flask, the night she wound up at the cemetery, moments after Ali’s corpse had just been dug up. After all, Paige had (stupidly) drunk from the same flask, and look what happened to her?
In other news, I think Nate isn’t really Maya’s cousin. In fact, I think he killed her. Just sayin . . .
Just hear me out here. I get that Nate claims to be Maya’s “cousin” who “loved her” and is all “righteously indignant” about the fact that Garrett got out of jail to see his mom, while Maya is (supposedly) dead? But something just doesn’t ring true about him . . . like, for example, the way he didn’t know Maya’s parents’ address, something a COUSIN would surely know, particularly following the death of a family member. For another, his whole story about Maya hanging out in the water with the rest of the “guys” sounds a lot less like a “family story” and a lot more like a “camp story.” You know, as in “True North” camp? The camp where Maya was STALKED by a guy, and chose to leave town rather than return?
He also talks about Maya as if she’s a lover, as opposed to a cousin. And the way he was oozing about how “captivating” Jenna was? This guy just screams stalker / psycho killer. I’d like to be wrong. But somehow, I don’t think I am. I have one word of advice for you, Emily. Take your roofied flask, and RUN from this guy . . . far and fast . . .
“So, THAT is who was pinching my ass! I THOUGHT those fingers felt familiar!”
Welcome back, My Pretties! This week, on PLL, the girls began to wonder whether “A” was, not just an EXTREMELY busy individual . . . but, rather, a crack team of Expert Stalkers / Threatening Text Message Writers. And, really, if you think about it, this seems like the ONLY logical explanation. I mean, how else could anyone possibly explain this seemingly supernatural character, who’s nefarious hands are simultaneously up every single PLL girl’s butt, AT ALL TIMES?
“Well, THAT sounds painful!”
Oh, and before I begin this recap, I’d like to thank the writers of Pretty Little Liars for adding “eating cereal” and “getting a massage” to the ever-growing list of Things I Am Now Afraid to Do, Because of This Show. (At this rate, by the time the series finale airs, I won’t be able to leave the house!)
Leave My Alpha Bits ALONE!
See? This is why Froot Loops are my cereal of choice. You can’t leave creepy messages in Froot Loops! On an unrelated note, Poor Spencer! It looks like “A” went into her closet, in the middle of the night, and shredded all her button-down shirts. Wait . . . you mean, it’s SUPPOSED to look like that? Wow, I will just never understand fashion . . .
This week, the girls, once again, give their Pretty Little Episode recap in the cafeteria. Aria admits to swapping blood saliva with Facelift Vampire Jason . . .
“I was thirsty. OK?”
And Spencer and Emily admit to breaking into Facelift Vampire Jason’s lair, and finding scary close-up shots of Aria sleeping (or drugged?), inside of it. Having imparted that old news important information, Spencer and Aria exit, Stage Left, leaving poor Emily, and her Alpha Bits all by their lonesome.
“What the hell? Aren’t I supposed to get another new girlfriend, this week? Because I could really use one right about now.”
So, Emily opens up her Alpha Bits, and is shocked to find that SOMEONE has given her only letter “A’s,” (which pretty much defeats the purpose of having Alpha Bits, if you ask me.)
Now, they just look like Lucky Charms, without the marshmallows . . .
OK, now this is where I cry foul Are we honestly supposed to believe that “A” somehow: (1) anticipated that Emily was going to eat Alpha Bits that morning; (2) bought like TEN boxes of Alpha Bits, in order to find enough “A’s” to fill an individual box; (3) opened a box of Alpha Bits, and exchanged its multi-letter contents for just “A’s;” (4) RE-SEALED the box, so it looked like it had never been opened; and (5) somehow made sure that of all the available cereal boxes, THAT was the one Emily chose?
Not only is Emily’s cereal box filled with A’s, it also, apparently, contains a personal note . . .
Still in mourning over being ditched by Caleb, in favor of his Deadbeat Mom, Hanna has decided to express her depression, by maintaining the same hairstyle she wore on the night of the fateful breakup (which, I really like, actually) . . .
“This is my Sad Hair . . .”
While Emily is off at school, eating pre-fondled cereal, Hanna is still loafing around the house, when she runs into Mama Marin, who’s VERY worried about Poor Emily, and her “stress.” (Riiiight, because her own daughter doesn’t appear stressed out at all!) When Hanna complains that Emily has taken to the annoying habit of grinding her teeth in her sleep (Wow, you’ve gotta be pretty close by to notice something like that! Are these two sleeping in the same bed? ;)), her mother scolds her to have a little more compassion for her friend.
I agree, Hanna. The only person I’m compassionate toward, before 10 a.m., is MYSELF. And that’s only because I pity myself for having to be up before 10 a.m.
But Mama Marin will not give up on the surrogate daughter she clearly likes better than her own. She hands Hanna a gift certificate for a massage, instructing Hanna to give it to Emily, if and when she ever decides to drag her butt to school . . .
“Emily Fields is like the daughter I never had . . . no offense, Hanna.”
“So . . . about that whole ‘You’re a Psycho Stalker’ thing . . .”
“Sleep now, so that I can take more . . . ahem . . . ‘artistic’ photos of you . . . er . . . I mean so that Ali can take more photos of you sleeping . . . even though she’s dead.”
I think most of us sort of expected that Jason would have SOME sort of explanation for those disturbing photographs of Aria, we saw in his shed, last week. And, I guess, I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt that he’s telling the truth about not taking them, himself, until I hear otherwise. But still, you have to admit, that whole family is pretty cracked!
I mean, I know Ali’s like dead and all. But that’s really no excuse for having been a perv, while alive, now is it? Am I the only one who’s just as creeped out knowing that Ali took these pictures, as I was when I thought Jason took them? Why the double standard? Just because she’s a GIRL?
Anywhoo . . . in a show that revolves quite a bit around LYING, I give Aria a lot of credit, for being surprisingly mature, and IMMEDIATELY coming to Jason with the accusation Spencer and Emily had lodged against him. Typically, in shows like this, the protagonist will simply start AVOIDING the accused person, without telling him or her why she is doing so, until the truth eventually comes out . .. thereby making the protagonist look like a TOTAL ASSHAT. So, yay to Aria, for not being an ASSHAT, I guess.
“Was that supposed to be a compliment?”
According to Facelift Vampire Jason, he had been randomly sifting through Ali’s old things, when he came upon a roll of undeveloped film. When he figured out what it was, he developed the pictures, and planned to have them framed for Aria as a gift. Riiiiiight . . . because everyone likes to hang weird creepy close-up pictures of themselves sleeping on their bedroom wall. Seriously, Facelift Jason, how vain exactly do you think Aria is?
But, hey, I guess it’s not the gift, but the dirty thought that counts, right?
Meanwhile, back inside the school . . .
The Return of El Shrinko
“OK . . . so let me get this straight, your daughter believes that the ghost of her dead friend has been sending her text messages? And your son steals ugly pottery from blind girls? What a lovely, sane, family you’ve raised!”
Even though it’s College Fair Day, and she has absolutely no logical reason to be there, that Random Shrink from a Few Episodes Back is conveniently wandering around Rosewood Prep. Mama Montgomery sees her, and asks her to meet with her Crazy Klepto, Possibly Suicidal, Son . . .
Though, it would be a conflict of interest for Aria’s therapist to also see her brother, Random Shrink From a Few Episodes Back agrees to recommend a colleague of hers for Crazy Mike.
Speaking of Crazy, Random Shrink runs into a clearly at her wits end, Emily, who REALLY needs to talk to someone about all the awful stuff going on in her life right now.
Don’t worry, Emily. In a couple weeks, “A” will go back to ignoring you, and it will be Aria’s turn to experience her wrath . . .
Random Shrink, who, honestly, seemed like a cold b*tch in earlier episodes, is surprisingly sweet to Emily probably because she knows she’s going to make A LOT of money off of her crazy ass and gently suggests that the two meet after school to talk. Emily agrees.
“I’ll be billing you for this conversation too . . . just so you know.”
Speaking of people who have no business being at Rosewood Prep, but are there, because the plot requires them to be . . .
Hollis College: Where The Faculty is VERY Hands-On Your Boobs
At the college fair, Aria is THRILLED to see Fitzy working the Hollis College booth (especially since these sort of things are usually run by RECRUITERS, and not NEW PROFESSORS who should be . . . I don’t know . . . busy professing). However, she is less than thrilled to learn that Fitzy’s ex-fiance Jackie is working the booth as well. And she is hanging all over Fitzy, like she’s one of his sweater vests . . .
“I’m going to use this Hollis College Lanyard to tie you up, and throw you in the trunk of my car. I hope you don’t mind.”
When Fitzy sees Aria, he immediately bounds over to her, clearly horny as hell from being around all these high school students. He even makes some sexually suggestive comments about the generalized gropiness (Is that even a word?) of the Hollis College faculty. But Aria isn’t exactly in the mood for Fitzy Flirtation. So, she stomps out of the gym, forcing him to run after her, like the loyal puppy dog boyfriend he has become.
Continuing this weeks trend of uncharacteristic “Honest and Mature” behavior, Aria directly confronts Fitzy with her fear that, because they are still hiding their relationship, “external factors” *cough Jackie and Jason* are getting in the way of their happiness. Fitzy, typical clueless boy that he is, is, apparently completely oblivious to the fact that Jackie-O still wants his bod . . .
I’m just reminding you what it looks like . . .
During this conversation, Aria also confesses to kissing Jason . . . er . . . I mean, LETTING Jason kiss her. This is where the conversation, understandably, gets a bit uncomfortable. And like any good pitbull, Jackie-O immediately smells the fear, and rushes over to hump Fitzy’s leg. Once Fitzy leaves, she moves on to Aria, baring her fangs, and peppering her with thinly veiled insults about her age and lack of maturity.
“Fitzy’s MINE! And I would know, I peed on his leg to mark my territory, yesterday . . .”
Annoying Mona . . . Horse Whisperer
“You better not make me wear a fugly dress like that, when I’m a bridesmaid at your wedding.”
Hanna and Mona ditch the College Fair (She chooses colleges, like she chooses clothes, anyway . . . from the catalogue!), so that Hanna can get fitted for the hideous bridesmaid dress her future stepmonster picked out for her wedding to Hanna’s Douchey Daddy. The pair rank a bit on the awfulness of the dress, and how hillbilly the person who selected it must be, until that person’s daughter appears on the scene, looking very different from the last time we saw her . . .
First we had Facelift Jason, now we have Facelift Kate . . .
“What the hell did they do to my face?”
Annoying Mona quickly figures out that Hanna’s future stepsister is a wealthy snob. And, since that’s exactly what Mona aspires to be someday (Well, she’s already a snob . . . but I guess the wealthy part, is something she needs to work on), the professional star f*&ker arranges for her and Hanna to accompany Kate and her friends on a little horseback riding excursion . . .
“This storyline is lame. Why the f*&k are we here?”
Though Annoying Mona claims to be a “horse whisperer” (I don’t think Mona is even capable of whispering to HUMANS, let alone horses.), neither of the girls actually have any riding experience. And both Mona and Hanna end up losing their horsing, and having to walk the rest of the trail. Back at the Polo Lodge, Hanna “accidentally’ leaves her hat on the control panel, which ends up turning on the intercom system. So, of course, she starts griping about Stepmonsters Kate and Isabel. And, of course, Kate overhears all of it.
“I’m really angry now, but you can’t tell, because of all the collagen I had injected into my New Face . . .”
Hanna immediately becomes worried that Facelift Kate will rat her out to her family for all the nasty things she said. But she doesn’t. Instead, she calls her on the phone, threatening to break her spirit, and beat her into subservience, like an unruly horse. (WOW, Facelift Kate is into animal cruelty? Now, I DEFINITELY don’t like her.) Here’s hoping “A” breaks Kate’s new face, before she gets a chance to break Hanna’s . . .
Speaking of familiar (and not so familiar faces) . . .
What the hell is an N.A.T. club?
“How dare Creepy Pedo Ian join a club I’m not a member of! If he wasn’t already dead, I’d kill him!”
Spencer and Abs Toby are sorting through Dead Creepy Pedo Ian’s stuff, when they come across his old yearbook. Flipping through it, they come to realize that Creepy Pedo Ian, Facelift Vampire Jason, and Police Boy Garrett, were all in the same three-person club . . .
Wait a second! Since when are these three guys all the SAME age? Whatever happened to the writers saying that Facelift Vampire Jason is more “age-appropriate” for Aria than Fitzy. Isn’t Creepy Pedo Ian virtually the same age as Aria’s current boyfriend (give or take a year or two)? Just curious . . .
Cue SPENCER FACE!
(You have to admit, Toby kind of had a point, when he called Spencer, “a nice word for obsessive.”)
After doing a little internet research, Spencer figures out that N.A.T. stands for Nos Animadverto Totus, which translates into English as “We See All.”
Now, Spencer is convinced that these guys were ALL taking creepy videos of Rosewood residents, and that Facelift Vampire Jason killed his sister to drink her blood to prevent her from going forward with the tapes. Knowing that Aria will not listen to her anymore, when it comes to her “advice” about Jason, Spencer decides to tell the person most likely to get through to Aria . . . Fitzy . . .
“I wish I was wearing my My Little Pony Sweater . . . I miss that little guy.”
Spencer finds Fitzy in his car outside the school . . .
Never one to mince words, within about 30 seconds, Spencer has already told Fitzy that (1) she knows about him and Aria’s relationship; and (2) Aria is in DANGER of getting turned into a vampire. And we all know how persuasive Spencer can be, when she really puts her mind to it . . .
Unfortunately, for Spencer and Fitzy, they are not alone. SOMEONE is watching them . . .
And now for the most disturbing part of the episode . . .
Massages are SCAAAAAARRRRRY!
Oh Emily . . . you won’t be smiling for long.
As was commanded by the Marin’s Emily heads to the massage parlor, and is instructed by the masseuse to lay down and get comfy, while she prepares for the appointment. A few moments later, Emily’s massage begins. You can just see the tension rolling off Emily’s shoulders. She feels happy and relaxed, and looks like she might drop off to sleep at any moment. Then the masseuse comes back, ready to start the massage . . . wait . . . WHAT?
Yeah, so apparently, that WHOLE time Emily was being fondled by “A” instead of the actual masseuse. What are the odds? (Actually, on THIS show, the odds are very high.)
Adding insult to grossness, the minute Emily leaves the massage parlor (looking NOT AT ALL relaxed, by the way), “A” has to go and send her a super threatening text message. (SURPRISE!)
OK. So, I know who Dr. Sullivan is. But who are Eric and Denise J.? I never see any of the PLL’s hanging out with anyone except for their significant others, and eachother . . . and sometimes Annoying Mona.
Tata for now, Facelift Jason! Ezria is “Official”
“I’m really going to miss you, Aria. Can I keep one of these pictures of you that I TOTALLY didn’t take myself *wink, wink* as a souvenir of our three-episode love affair.”
At some random coffee shop, Facelift Vampire Jason gives Aria those Framed Creepy Pictures of her Sleepy Face. I’m actually really curious to see whether Aria will actually hang these up on her wall. (Imagine staring at pictures of yourself sleeping, while you are trying to go to sleep . . . weird.) Facelift notes that he found the film in a box that Aria kept underneath the floorboards. Aria expresses interest in the box, so Jason offers to get it for her. She follows him back to his house, but is still hesitant enough of his motives, to not want to follow him inside alone to retrieve the darn thing.
While Aria is waiting for Facelift, Fitzy arrives . . .
Fitzy reiterates to a shocked Aria, how dangerous he thinks Facelift Vampire Jason is, after hearing all about the guy’s “photography talents” from Spencer. He then tells her that he wants to save their relationship. And if that means going public, starting with Aria’s parents, then, so be it. Aria mentally reminds herself to thank Spencer for helping her to FINALLY get laid, as she moves in for a big fat Fitzy Smooch . . .
*insert sucking and slurping noises here*
Of course, this is precisely the moment at which Jason emerges from his house with Dead Ali’s Box O’ Memories . . . because he’s probably been watching from his window the whole time.
Yeah, because this isn’t awkward at all.
The Facelift Vampire gives Aria the box, while Fitzy waits for her in his car, clearly, not taking ANY chances . . .
But before you start checking your mailbox for Ezria wedding invitations, you should hear what Aria’s snoopy, kind of judgmental MOM had to say to Aria, when she got home . . .
“I’m totally judging you Spencer, right now.”
Apparently, Mama Montgomery’s little eavesdropping session somehow led her to believe that SPENCER and Fitzy were doing the deed, and that the rumors going around school that Fitzy was porking one of the students at Rosewood Prep were about HER. Aria, of course, denies this, but wonders allowed what difference it would make if the two of them WERE dating, considering their age difference is minimal. Mama Montgomery who’s probably still stewing over her OWN husband cheating on her with a student feels that this situation is STILL immoral, because it implies that Fitzy used his position as a teacher at the school to his sexual advantage. She also admits to a horrified Aria that, if she found out that Fitzy and Spencer were boning she would feel incredibly jealous betrayed, since Mama Montgomery always had a HUGE crush on Fitzy she considered Fitzy a friend.
Uh Oh! I guess these three won’t be going to the movies together anytime soon . . .
Elsewhere in Rosewood . . .
Blind Jenna and Police Boy Garrett Strike Again
Blind Jenna barges into Spencer’s house and accuses her of being a hungry terrier for using Toby to help her search through the wench’s private belongings.
That’s funny, I always thought of Spencer more as a pug . . .
B.J. warns Spencer that her continued snooping is dangerous for her and Abs Toby. But Spencer is not the type of girl who’s going to be intimidated by a few idle threats. In fact, as B.J. is leaving, Spencer sends her off with a pretty awesome parting shot. “Tell, Garrett I said, Hi,” she coos.
In what is becoming almost as common an occurrence on PLL episodes, as the PLL Girl weekly recap, Jenna hops into the sniveling Police Boy Garrett’s car to warn him that “they [the PLL girls] know about us.”
“Would this be a bad time to ask you for car sex?”
However, it is what B.J. says next that is the most intriguing. Blind Jenna notes that Spencer has been “looking through yearbooks,” something Spencer clearly never mentioned in her earlier conversation. This means that either (1) Toby told Blind Jenna what he and Spencer found; or (2) Blind Jenna is NO LONGER BLIND JENNA (having had her eye surgery already), and saw the yearbooks in Spencer’s living room. Honestly, I’m not quite sure about that second option, since you would think that type of eye surgery would require a signficant amount of recovery time. Needless to say, however, SOMETHING is up . . .
“I’ve got my eye on you Blow Job , Blind Jenna!”
Blind Jenna and Police Boy end their conversation by jointly making the decision that it is time to talk to Facelift Jason, so that the threesome can get their respective stories straight. In one of the final scenes of the episode, Police Boy visits Facelift, and reminds him how important it is that the two of them keep their mouths shut about what happened between them. After all, Police Boy has a job to keep, a reputation to protect, and an underage blind girlfriend to continue screwing. Stakes are high, indeed . . .
Having been enmeshed in their own separate storylines for most of the episode, it was nice to see the PLL girls all reunite at (Emily’s?) house, for one final bonding moment. In what may have been my favorite scene in the entire episode, Aria tells Spencer that she isn’t mad at her for going to Fitzy about Facelift Jason. After all, as I mentioned earlier, Spencer’s little trick is DEFINITELY going to help Aria get laid. 🙂 Spencer, of course, apologized anyway, for butting in, explaining that she just worries about Aria, because she’s so petite and fragile looking, and Spencer cares about her so darn much.
Both Lucy Hale and Troian Bellisario played off the scene beautifully. And you could really feel the love between these two girls. All together now . . . AWWWWWW!
The final scene features “A” coming to visit Random Therapist lady . . .
Uh oh! Something tells me this isn’t going to end well . . .
You can check out the promo for Episode 11 of Pretty Little Liars, here:
“WOAH! My Dream Self is a TOTAL HO! I hope I didn’t just give myself Dream Crabs . . .”
Welcome back, my Pretties! This week on Pretty Little Liars, we learned that Spencer still wears My Little Pony sweaters; Emily is great at poker, but sucks at life bluffing; and, even after ALL she’s been through with “A,” Aria STILL hasn’t learned to shut her bedroom door (but not lock it, Byron says “NO LOCKING DOORS!”), and close her curtains, before she goes to bed at night . . .
So, pick up that hide-a-key on top of the doorframe, and slip your digits to your significant other’s best friend, because it’s time for another Pretty Little recap . . .
To Sleep, Perchance to HUMP . . .
First of all, let me say, SCREW YOU, PLL, for being such a tease! You gave me, not one, but TWO, fake sex scenes before the opening credits even began!
What kind of show do you think this is . . . True Blood, or should I say . . . Faux Blood?
All I can say is, Aria REALLY didn’t look pleased, when she woke up in the morning. And, honestly, I think she should reconsider those feelings. I mean, so what if her second faux-screw toy may very well be a psycho stalker / murderer / pedophile.
You know, I never realized it, but Facelift Jason TOTALLY looks like he’s either going to grab Aria’s boobs, or strangle her, in this picture.
The way I see it, being Dream F*&ked is the best of both worlds! You get all of the pleasure, and none of the soreness, STD’s, or soul-crushing guilt real sex can sometimes bring. You also significantly decrease your chances of being BASHED IN THE HEAD WITH A HOCKEY STICK, AND BURIED ALIVE.
Meanwhile, over at the morgue, Hanna, Emily, and Spencer have randomly decided to don those skimpy candy striper outfits again. Seriously, when did this show become PORN?
SPENCER: “This is as far as I go. If they make me put on one of those French Maid costumes, I’m QUITTING!”
Actually, the girls have a pretty good reason to be dressed like they are. After all, they are currently snooping around the hospital in search of the missing page to Ali’s autopsy. Of course, I’m pretty sure that my favorite part of the ENTIRE episode, was when the girls were at risk of being caught snooping, and Hanna had to . . . improvise . . .
(Have I told you guys, lately, how much I adore Hanna? Girlfriend is friggin HILARIOUS!)
Unfortunately, Spencer emerges from the morgue empty handed. Someone must have snuck into the hospital, and extracted the missing page, before the PLL girls could get their hands on it. Of course, as it turns out, missing pieces of paper may end up being the least of the girls’ problems . . . As they are LOUDLY discussing their plan of action, the girls very nearly run into THIS . . .
*insert T-Rex music from that Jurassic Park movie, here*
That’s right, my Pretties. Apparently, Blind Jenna might not be BLIND for much longer at which point, we will surely have to find a new nickname for her, STAT! Any suggestions?. What does this MEAN for the PLL girls? (Well, honestly, not much. Blind Jenna always seemed eerily capable of “seeing” whatever it was the PLL girls were doing, anyway. But, let’s go along with it, and pretend to be REALLY SCARED. OK?)
A Very Important Message from PLL: DON’T DO STEROIDS! (It might make you turn into Thor . . .)
No offense against THOR . . . or anything . . .
Back at the Marin Household, Emily is throwing away all of hers and Hanna’s creams, just in case “A” got to them, and pumped THEM up with steroids too. Hanna spies her throwing a way one cream, in particular, and takes immediate offense . . .
“I don’t care if this cream turns me into Thor, it costs 100 dollars,” lectures Emily.
Emily, of course, reminds Hanna that she STOLE the lotion. “It still costs 100 dollars!” Hanna replies. (Remind me why Little Miss Klepto was getting all bent out of shape about Caleb‘s criminal activities again?)
Except when she’s drunk, Emily is not typically known for getting great one liners on the show. But her response here, definitely makes the list: “Chin hair and back pimples are also side effects of taking steroids.”
My sentiments exactly, Hanna. I bet “turning into Thor,” is starting to look like a pretty good option, in comparison to THIS, huh?
Hanna ultimately ends up tossing out her Stolen Contraband Lotion, just as Mama Marin pops in to (1) lecture Hanna about not calling Papa Doucheface; and (2) invite the girls downstairs for breakfast.
Not surprisingly, the minute Hanna leaves the room, Emily gets yet another text message from “A.” And THIS one is a doozy . . .
“Well, I certainly hope she paid for me, first!”
Apparently, sometime, during the course of the last two episodes, “A” managed to steal Emily’s medical chart. (I’m wondering if he or she needed their very own candy striper outfit to do it too!)
Speaking of Emily, later at school . . .
“You’re Dream Cheating on Fitzy! (You Bastard!)”
“Stop looking at me like that, Em! I’m sure I made him wear a Dream Condom!”
Emily and Aria fill one another in, on the last five minutes of the show. Though, Aria, at first, does not come clean to Emily about her little sex dream, Emily sees THIS FACE. . .
and THIS ONE . . .
. . . and immediately puts two and two together. (If only she was this good at judging the effectiveness of skin creams, she might not have gotten A HOLE IN HER STOMACH.) Emily reveals herself as a hardcore TEAM FITZY-ITE, when she tells Aria that she has NO business eyef *&king or dreamf&^*king Facelift Jason, when the Professor is over at Hollis waiting patiently to “make pottery with her.” Aria promises to keep that in mind and mentally reminds herself to buy some Red Bull, so she can stay awake tonight . . . No sleeping, means no dreamf*&king, right? Right?
Later, in the lunchroom . . .
“They are taking her eyeballs out? COOL!”
“I wish someone took MY eyeballs out, so I wouldn’t have to EVER see Blind Jenna hooking up with Policeboy Garrett again . . .”
Spencer (who, because she is dating Toby, is “in the know”) explains to the rest of the girls that Jenna is a candidate for corneal transplants. This basically means they replace the damaged flap over her cornea, so that she can see again. (See? And who says you can’t learn things from watching PLL?) The girls discuss what exactly this would mean for THEM, which, pretty much, makes them HUGE A$$HOLES. I mean, really, how DARE Jenna try to get back the vision that the PLL GIRLS TOOK AWAY FROM HER, and inconvenience the Pretty Little Liars? She’s got SOME NERVE!
“Jenna is scary enough with four senses. Can you imagine what she will do to us with all five?” Hanna wonders out loud.
You’re right, Hanna! Because that would make her ROBO-JENNA, Super Villain EXTRAORINAIRE . . .
But ROBO Jenna isn’t necessarily the ONLY villain the PLL’s need to worry about . . .
Hide Your Sweater Ponies, Folks! Facelift Jason has a SECRET ROOM! (And we all know what that means . . .)
“It’s not safe for you here, Sweater Pony! RUN!”
After school, Spencer and her favorite sweater from Grade 4, decide to do what they do best: namely, stalk the Suspect of the Week, Facelift Jason. Conveniently, Spencer finds Facelift Jason, just as he is hiding the key to his SECRET ROOM in the WORST HIDING SPOT EVER!
“Look at me. I am soooo clever, with my newly chiseled face, and Pantene Pro V hair . . .”
Nice going, Facelift! No one will think to look for your hide-a-key in the SAME PLACE EVERYBODY AND THEIR MOTHER HIDES THEIR HIDE-A-KEY! Did the surgery that changed your face, perhaps, cut into your brain too?
Cue SPENCER FACE!
Oh, how I missed you, Spencer Face!
Meanwhile, over at Hanna’s . . .
“A” Cockblocks Emily, BIG TIME!
The Last Kiss?
In the land of Too Little, Too Late, Samara brings Sorry You Had a Hole in Your Stomach Cookies to Emily. Emily takes them gratefully, and doesn’t ask, “Why the hell didn’t you visit me at the hospital, B*tch?” . . . which I thought was rather kind of her.
Speaking of kind . . . enter Mama Marin . . .
“Newly single, and ready to mingle!”
Hanna’s mom has been racking up SO many cool points recently, that I almost forgot how she once slutted around with Deputy Douchey, so her daughter wouldn’t go to jail for shoplifting, and STOLE MONEY FROM AN OLD LADY . . . almost. This week, she generously offers her house up to Emily, Samara, and Samara’s friends for “poker night,” when the parties’ usual host cancels, on account of her Mom being sick. Emily, of course, is thrilled.
Hanna’s mom tells Emily that she should feel at home in the Marin Household, and be able to be “herself.” This is kind of awesome, especially considering that at Emily’s actual house, her Mom had a TOTAL sh*tfit, when Emily had ONE other lesbian over at her house (Maya!), let alone a group of them. But I digress . . .
That night, Emily invites Samara and her Poker Crew over to the Marin household, where she impresses them all with her Mad Poker Playing Skillz . . .
One of Samara’s friends with whom Emily particularly hits it off is “Zoe” . . . a fact that, will come to haunt her, before the night is over . . .
The Bait . . .
*Insert cell phone ring here* . . . you guessed it! It’s time for “A” to crash this poker party . . .
I’m not going to lie, this was the part of the episode that pissed me off the most! Now, in REALITY, there were LITERALLY TONS of ways Emily could have gotten her number to Zoey, without looking like she was trying to cheat on Samara with one of her closest friends. For starters, she could have given ALL the girls her number, including Zoe, insisting that she wanted them to have it, in case they were ever again in need of someone to host Poker Night. She also could have slipped a paper into Zoe’s purse containing her digits. (If you read the above-message, it says that Zoe has to LEAVE with the number . . . she doesn’t have to KNOW she’s leaving with it.) She also could have told Zoey, she wanted to plan a romantic surprise for Samara, and needed her help. I could keep going . . .
But that wouldn’t be “exciting” now, would it? So, Emily, the same girl, who just two weeks back, cleverly deciphered Great Mystery of the Ian Suicide Note, quickly takes a turn for the moronic, and flirtatiously offers Zoey her number, outright, RIGHT IN FRONT OF Samara’s possessive “friend” Quinn.
“Woah, way to be subtle, Hobag!”
“Rebound sex with Samara, here I come. Thanks ‘A'”!
(By the way, who the heck cut Quinn’s hair? Edward Scissorhands?)
Samara is understandably super PISSED when she confronts Emily about what she did . . . so pissed, in fact, that she puts their relationship on indefinite hiatus, until Emily is willing to come clean about what happened at Poker Night . . .
“Is this because I didn’t visit you in the hospital, when you thought you were dying?”
Emily is crushed by the news . . . I think . . .
“Hmmm . . . do you think it’s too early to call Zoey? I really wish I got her number, last night.”
And so ends yet another relationship at the hands of “A” . . . Of course, sometimes PLL girls’ relationships end all on their own . . .
Mama, I’m Coming Home . . .
So, remember how, last week, Hanna kicked the private investigator, who was stalking Caleb to the curb. But then we learned that his intentions might not have been as bad as she assumed they were? Well, it turns out the private investigator was searching for Caleb on behalf of his biological MOTHER, who is apparently, some filthy rich country club lady, who lives next door to Oprah!
When the private investigator confronts Caleb, he IS mad. Why wouldn’t he be? He’s spent twelve years of his life going from one trailer trash foster home to the next, and was PRETTY MUCH HOMELESS for the last year of his life. Meanwhile, the woman who “couldn’t take care of him,” is probably putting her two other kids through private school, and weekly tennis lessons with Andy Roddick . . .
But hey, family is family, right? And Caleb kind of owes it to himself to get a piece of that lifestyle he’s been denied all these years. (Yes, I’m that cynical.) Believe it or not, it’s actually Hanna, she of the “Dad you’re dead to me,” perpetual poutiness, who convinces Caleb to give Deadbeat Mommy Dearest a call. “The worst that can happen is you never speak to her again. The best thing that can happen is you can finally get to know her. Both of them are better than what you are doing now.”
“The last time I saw my mom, I was small enough to actually swing on this swingset, without having to worry about breaking it.”
The next evening, a tearful Caleb comes to Hanna’s house to say goodbye . . . forever now. He had a little chat with his Mom that day, and decided he should bring his phone pimping business to Montecito, since eveyone is so rich there come and visit her. He’s leaving now, as she had a car sent for him (See Caleb, this is how the OTHER HALF LIVES. Get used to it.)
Hanna is obviously saddened at the thought of losing Caleb. But, to her credit, she remains strong and supportive, because she knows how hard this must be for him, and that he is doing the right thing. The couple promise to call one another every day, and Caleb offers to return someday, though Hanna is rightly skeptical about both statements. “I’ve seen pictures of Montecito,” she says, smiling ruefully.
The two then share a touching kiss goodbye. And Hanna waits until Caleb is out of sight to REALLY break down in tears . . .
“Man, this episode is depressing!”
When all is said and done, Hanna decides to reach out to her own dad, and agrees to take part in his wedding to the odious Isabelle. Way to be an adult, Hanna!
Now, if y’all don’t mind, I’d like to bid adieu to the Haleb relationship with a little GIF tribute . . .
*sniffles* OK . . . moving on . . .
Speaking of depressing . . .
“I’m just really bummed out about the end of Haleb, OK?”
It seems as though Jerkface Mike has gone from non-existent, to creepy, to klepto, to a$$hole, to suicidal depressive in about three episodes flat . . . (That’s gotta be some sort of record.) Papa Montgomery, who’s brother (from what I gather) committed suicide as a teen (or maybe he OD’d), is extremely concerned, and rightfully so.
Aria’s mom, on the other hand, who’s usually the less lame parent of these two, sort of seems like she’s in denial about the whole thing. Now, I’m DEFINITELY thinking that Mike has become just as much a victim of A’s torturing as his sister. She (or he) has something on him, and I’m guessing it’s pretty big . . . something that makes home invasion seem like a walk in the park.
Speaking of Aria . . .
Tempted by the Hair of Another . . .
“The truth is Aria. I’m really a vampire. And I put dirty dreams into your brain, while you sleep at night. Then I take pictures of you, and use them while spanking my monkey.”
So, you want to hear something shocking. I actually think that all this time that Aria and Fitzy have been dating one another, they NEVER DID THE DEED!
NO! I’M SERIOUS! This episode all but gave that information away. The first piece of evidence, is Aria’s impromptu seduction of Fitzy in his office at Hollis. She seems determined to screw those Jason dreams right out of her brain . . .
But then they cut away to another scene, before anyone can get Nekkid . . .
Next thing you know, Aria’s getting A LOT of food out of the vending machine, so . . . post coital munchies, perhaps?
But then Fitzy comes back and he’s FULLY DRESSED, with his TIE ON PERFECTLY. Hmmm . . . Of course, he COULD have re-dressed himself before class (He only had 15 minutes, after all!). But then there’s that conversation he has with Aria, where he’s all “concerned” about the reason behind her aggressive seduction, and thinks something is up, and wants to talk about her “FEELINGS.” Yeah . . . NOT the kind of conversation one has after mindblowing sex . . .
To add insult to injury, we flip to this . . .
Now, we’re talkin!
Fitzy remarks that he wishes Aria could stay at his place every night, and she makes a comment about being REALLY GLAD SHE WAITED. (In other words: bye, bye Aria’s virginity! Nice knowing ya!) But then she walks to the mirror, and the scene changes to THIS . . .
“You can’t stop thinking about me, can you?” Facelift Jason whispers seductively in Aria’s ear . . .
AND it’s wake up time . . .
“I’ve really gotta lay off that vending machine food.”
So, yeah, as unrealistic as it sounds, if Aria’s “first time” occurred IN HER DREAM, than she hasn’t done it yet in real life, which means Fitzy must have the most painful pair of THESE the world has ever seen . . .
And so the Little Christian Channel that Could subtly transmits its message to the Youth of America. TEASE! Now, I’m just wondering if Spencer and Toby have done it yet . . . any guesses?
Facelift Jason stops by Aria’s house unexpectedly to put the moves on her to give her little brother, Headcase Mike, his number for “counseling” or something . . . But close physical contact with Facelift Jason (he fondles her arm, while he’s giving her the card), causes Aria to get those “dream feelings.” (It’s a good thing girls don’t get hard-ons, you know?) So, she makes some lame excuse about studying, and kicks a surprised Facelift to the curb.
She seriously looks mesmerized in this scene. Are we entirely sure Facelift Jason ISN’T a vampire? It would explain SO MUCH!
“Invite me in, Aria. I van’t to suck your blood . . .“
Later, Facelift Vampire Jason hunts down Aria in his car, in the middle of the night, and admits that he has feelings for her. WELL DUHHHHHH! You couldn’t have made THAT more obvious if you skywrote it across all of Rosewood, boyfriend!
Vampires always drive the nicest cars . . .
Without waiting for a response to his statement, Facelift Vampire Jason pulls Aria in for a necksucking kiss, and Aria lingers a bit longer than someone who has NO feelings for a person should.
*nom-nom, nom* Tastes like chicken . . .
It all seemed a bit rushed to me. And I was surprised by how LITTLE game Facelift Vampire Jason has. Aria might have been surprised too, as she nervously sputters that she is taken, before dashing back to the house . . .
“Rats, foiled again . . .”
Watching this exchange is Blind Jenna and Police Boy Garrett . . . well, at least ONE of them is watching . . .
The pair express concern that Aria and Jason will “hook up,” and she will get him to remember what happened on the night of Ali’s murder. This conversation once again seems to confirm my theory that Jason DID NOT kill Ali, but was passed out nearby, when the murder was going down. Whether B.J. (my new nickname for Blind Jenna . . . like it?) and Police Boy actually COMMITTED the murder themselves, remains to be seen.
Elsewhere, in Sleuthing Spencer Land . . .
After having a weird conversation with her mother, in which the latter tells her she shouldn’t trust ANY of the Dilaurentis’, and that her father’s decision to DESTROY Ali’s murder weapon was probably the right one, a high strung Spencer commandeers Emily to go snooping around Facelift Vampire Jason’s secret vampire bat cave . . .
“Hi, Spencer Face . . . please allow me to introduce you to Emily Face . . .”
What they find in there is a photo dark room, filled with a ton of surveillance equipment, and . . . wait for it . . . photos of close-ups of various parts of Aria’s body taken . . . WHILE SHE WAS SLEEPING . . .
SOMEBODY wears a lot of makeup to bed . . .
Spencer and Emily hear Jason returning to the dark room to jerk off, or eat bunnies, your pick and escape just in time, except THEY FORGOT THEIR FLASHLIGHT! Morons.
“Great! I needed one of these!”
When they dumbly return to get it, the girls are shocked to find that Jason has cleared the place of everything . . . EXCEPT THEIR FLASHLIGHT!
Spencer Face and Emily Face: The Sequel
The girls frantically try to call Aria to warn her, but can’t seem to get her on the phone. Will they find her, before Facelift Vampire Jason makes her his Princess of Eternal Darkness? Only time will tell . . .
In the final moments of the episode, we see Gloved Hand, in the formerly empty dark room developing . . . you guessed it, an incriminating shot of Spencer and Emily breaking into Jason’s shed. Someone has some EXPLAINING TO DO!
Geez! I thought “A” was supposed to be all “HI-TECH.” Why not invest in a digital camera?
And that’s all she wrote, my Pretties. Next week on PLL . . . THIS . . .
Oh, and yes, Facelift Vampire Jason. Since you asked, we ARE still afraid of you we just don’t think you actually killed Alison . . . 🙂
“Hello? Is anybody home? Could somebody please turn on the lights? I can’t see anything in here! Now I know how Blind Jenna feels!”
Welcome back, my Pretties! How are you guys doing? Have you been experiencing any aches and pains, lately? Because, if you are, I have some GREAT cream for you to try!
I don’t know about you guys, but I think “A” reached a NEW low this week, at least, in terms of torturing our fabulous foursome. (Whether “A” is, in fact, responsible for Ali and/or Creepy Pedo Ian’s death is another story entirely!) Up until this point, I had always felt that the award for “Most Evil A Moment” belonged to “That Time When He or She RAN HANNA OVER WITH A CAR!”
As HORRIBLE as that was (and it was pretty awful), I would argue that what “A” did to Emily this week was WAY worse! After all, I actually don’t think “A” smushed Hanna’s bottom half with the intent to KILL her. (This is why the injuries she suffered, actually ended up being fairly minor.) Rather, He/She/It merely wanted to scare the girls into silence by presenting a significant physical threat to one of them.
This week, however, by doping Emily’s pain meds with Human Growth Hormone (a.k.a. steroids) “A” was not only messing with Emily’s future as a professional athlete, “A” was messing with her LIFE. Fortunately, Emily ended up only suffering an ulcer. However, with the amount of cream she was using, and the vast amount of potential side effects, the result could have been WAY WORSE!
The stress of this show is going to drive me to drink, I swear!
For shame, “A!” For shame!
Oh, by the way . . . did I mention . . . WREN’S BACK! WREN’S BACK! WREN’S BACK!
Or should I say . . . DOCTOR HOT BUTT BRIT!
So, zip up that Candy Striper’s Uniform, and watch out for the “corpse” walking around with a blanket on its head, because it’s time for another Pretty Little Recap!
“She can’t hear us. She’s BLIND!”
The first few minutes of this episode find our PLL girls huddled together in Spencer’s car, mere minutes after Spencer’s eerie encounter with that nefarious Police Boy Garrett.
As usual, the girls are doing their weekly recap for us, and waiting for Emily, who’s doing something with the alarm system in her house. (Not that alarm systems help any, when Klepto Mike is creeping around.)
Oops! Sorry Aria!
Apparently, Aria gets offended, when you badmouth her bratty thief of a twerpy little brother. Just ask Hanna! Give her a break, Aria! It’s not Hanna’s fault that your brother is so unlikeable, and has such an abnormally large head . . .
Just kidding! But not really . . .
Conveniently, Police Boy Garrett pops up out of nowhere, just seconds after Emily arrives, and makes a beeline toward Jenna’s house. What’s he DOING THERE? F*&king a Blind Girl! What else would he be doing? Hmmm . . . I wonder. Within seconds, the girls are on his tail, just steps behind him. Hanna has big clunky shoes that make her sound like a stallion in heat, when she walks. Spencer wants her to be quiet. But Hanna reminds her that Blind Jenna won’t hear them, because she’s blind.
Yes, Spencer! Your friends really ARE that stupid.
When the girls arrive on the porch they are shocked to find Jenna at the window LOOKING RIGHT AT THEM!
But WAIT! Blind Jenna ISN”T actually looking at the PLL’s because she’s blind. She has no idea they are even there! Rather, she is looking for Police Boy Garrett . . .
*insert porn music here*
. . . and stripping for him . . . and sucking his face . . . RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER OPEN BEDROOM WINDOW!
Riiiiiight, because THAT’S exactly where I would choose to tongue wrestle with a guy I DIDN’T WANT OTHER PEOPLE TO KNOW I WAS SECRETLY DATING . . . right out in the open . . . where anyone who happened to walk by could see me. Because that’s SMART!
You know, now that I think about it, isn’t RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE WINDOW, where Blind Jenna made out with Abs Toby too?
Owwww! My eyes! *gag, vomit, puuuuke*
Do you think it’s like an Exhibitionist Thing, or something? Is she simply looking for an opportunity to model her ugly ass, old lady sexy lingerie? Maybe, since she can’t see, she no longer knows where the windows are in her own house?
All I know is, for week’s us PLL fans have all known that Blind Jenna enjoys bumping uglies with Police Boy Garrett. Now, our fabulous foursome knows too!
Paging Dr. Hot Butt Brit!
Oh, Wren! You and your sly use of foliage, as a thinly-veiled excuse to visit Spencer when she’s home alone . . . in hopes that you will eventually be able to wind your way back into her, still underaged, but “very mature” panties. Feel free to bring random plants to my doorstep, anyday!
Spencer is chilling in her crib, alone, making the Spencer Face, just for the fun of it, when she hears a knock at the door. Oh my! Who on Earth could it be? Is it Abs Toby?
Nope . . .
Creepy Pedo Zombie Ian, back from the Dead?
Uh, uh . . .
Crazy Nanny CarrieStefan Salvatore’s wife That Evil Wench, Melissa?
Guess again . . . IT’S WREN!
Wren stops by Spencer’s because he IS STILL HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE WITH SPENCER, YEAHHHH! wants to give that awful excuse for a human being Melissa some flowers. But Melissa isn’t home YAYAYAYAYAYAY! so, aw shuck, I guess he will just have to flirt with Spencer in that beautiful British accent of his.
Wren has some good news! He just got a residency at Rosewood Community Hospital. And you know what that means? Lots of sex in the on-call room for Spencer and Wren! Spencer, who, by the way, has NO GAME WHATSOEVER, would rather pepper Wren with questions about the Rosewood Community Hospital morgue, and whether or not she can use the records in there to find out how Alison died. Blah, Blah, Blah! I want more flirting, DAMMIT!
I would very much like to make out with you right now, but my stupid mouth won’t stop saying boring things about my Dead Friend . . .
Not to be deterred, Wren asks Spencer for coffee, because he is KNACKERED.
Tee hee hee! I love how he says the word “knackered.”
At which point, Spencer politely informs him that she is dating Abs Toby, and is only allowed to drink coffee with HIM, thank you very much! In response, Wren offers an alternative: tea. Because, apparently, in the U.K., getting coffee together means “serious relationship,” whereas getting “tea” just means sex. Who knew?
Apparently, THIS GUY did . . .
Emily Gets Creamed . . .
Poor Emily! While all the other PLL girls’ “troubles” this week, were of a romantic nature, Ms. Fields was stuck with “absentee parents,” an “absentee girlfriend” (Seriously? You would think Samara would AT LEAST make a cameo appearance at the hospital, considering the AWFUL shape her girlfriend was in. LOVE INTEREST FAIL!) . . . not to mention a literal “pain in the neck,” one that traveled down to her stomach, and proceeded to rip her insides to shreds. Geez! Someone up there is pissed off at this girl. (Perhaps, Heaven is filled with Maya fans?)
As a continuation of last week, a harried Emily continues to push herself physically and emotionally to the limit, in preparation for her Big Swim Meet, which the elusive Danby recruiter is supposed to attend. I assume Emily figures that, if she can get a scholarship to Danby, for real, she will never have to tell her parents that the last one (the one that “A” sent on her behalf) was fake . . .
We find Emily in Hanna’s house first thing in the morning, doing sit-ups on the Marin floor. (Watch out Emily, the MARIN’S probably had sex down there, last night?) Like last week, we notice that Emily is in a lot of pain. She keeps tugging on her arm and shoulders, and rubbing this pain cream, all over her body, like it’s her job.
(By the way, have you ever smelled that stuff? It’s nasty . . . like what your dead great-grandfather would smell like, if, before he died, he lathered himself up with cheap cologne. I don’t know how Hanna can stand being around her, the way she keeps lathering herself up with that stinkiness.)
Emily’s chilling at her locker, when who should pop by for a visit, but HER DAD . . . as in, the one who’s fighting for our country in Texas?!
“Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country . . . at your daughter’s swim meet.”
Yeah, apparently the army has Daddy-o on a Super Secret Mission that allows for a stopover in Rosewood. How convenient? Dad tells Emily that, since he’s in town anyway, why not stick around and watch her Big Important Swim Meet?
To make matters even more frightening interesting, Emily’s dad keeps talking about MEETING the recruiter . . . you know the one who DIDN’T really give Emily a scholarship to his school. So petrified excited is Emily about her father’s appearance that she CLUTCHES HER STOMACH AND FALLS ON THE FLOOR, WRITHING IN PAIN!
Uh . . . Emily, you’re supposed to save your swimming for the POOL.
Emily gets carted off to the hospital, where she’s looking pretty darn sickly. (Kudos to the makeup department for this.)
As it turns out, Emily suffered an ulcer, which, as Hanna explains to us about 80 times during the hour, is, basically, a “hole in your stomach” that “only old people get.” Way to be tactful, Hanna!
*sings* “There’s a hole in your stomach, Dear Emily, Dear Emily . . . There’s a hole in your stomach, Dear Emily, a HOLE!”
Given all that has happened in the past couple of weeks, Emily reluctantly decides, once and for all, to tell her parents the truth about the fake scholarship letter from Danby . . . a decision, she knows will ultimately result in a coach class ticket back to Texas. This, of course, draws sad faces all around from her pals. EMILY! You can’t go to Texas! There are Republicans there! 🙂
But the PLL girls aren’t the ONLY ones interested in paying a visit to the bedridden Emily. Guess who else stops by?
Hmmm . . . is it Maya, back from De-Gaying camp?
Is it Little Orphan Bitchy?
Uh uh . . .
How about Possible Fatal Attraction Samara?
Still no. *cough Bad Girlfriend cough*
IT’S WREN AGAIN! YAYYYYYYY!
Unfortunately, Wren has some bad news for Emily. Apparently, her blood tests showed high levels of HGH in her system, a.k.a Human Growth Hormone, a.k.a. STEROIDS, a.k.a. Emily sure has a lot of explaining to do!
Of course, if Emily WAS taking “performance enhancers,” we, the viewers, would have known about it, wouldn’t we? I mean this is, ABC Family, after all. We would have gotten a whole After School Special sort of lecture on the dangers of drugs (most likely followed by a cheesy PSA, and the telephone number for a STEROIDS SUCK hotline, of some sort). We didn’t get that here, which means Emily is most likely innocent of all “doping” . . .
But wait . . . if Emily didn’t take the drugs herself, how did they get in her system?
More on that later. For now, Emily’s going to have to deal with the fact that NO ONE IS EVER GOING TO BELIEVE that she, a promising young athlete with a scholarship on the line, just so happened to ACCIDENTALLY take drugs to ENHANCE HER PERFORMANCE in the days leading up to a Big Important Swim Meet. Do you see where I am going with this?
As if Hanna’s descriptions of her innards, worries over NEVER BEING ABLE TO SWIM AGAIN, and fears that her PARENTS WILL KILL HER WHEN THEY FIND OUT SHE’S A ROID RAGING ADDICT, aren’t enough to kill Emily’s appetite, get a load of what they call hospital food in this dump!
Get it . . “cream”! Hard de har har . . .
That’s right, my Pretties! Remember that scene, at the end of last week’s episode in which the infamous Gloved Hand filled a syringe with a substance known as BD7?
Well, now we know what it was, and what she ended up doing with it. It kind of makes you think twice about where you put your body lotion . . . if you catch my drift.
I have to say, this is yet another situation where “A’s” motive for doing what she did to Emily is completely unclear to me. If Emily never ended up in the hospital, it could be argued that the drugs in her system would never have been discovered. In fact, there’s a good chance, Emily would have performed so well at the meet, that the Danby coach ended up giving her that scholarship anyway. So, was “A,” in her own sick way, trying to HELP Emily? Or did she KNOW that Emily would end up in the hospital from all the cream she was using (a bit unrealistic, don’t you think), and was seeking to ruin her swimming career, and possibly, kill her? The verdict is still out on this one folks . . .
Once again, “A” reiterates her desire to get out of Rosewood, and hang out with George W. Bush in Texas. “A is bringing us all down, one by one . . . Aria is probably next,” Emily complains.
“Can we ALL go to Texas?” Aria inquires nervously. (I hate to break it to you LITTLE A, but Emily kind of has a point. When it comes to “A’s” torture methods, she’s been kind of slacking on you!)
But Spencer is not giving up without a fight! She wants to finish this thing, and send “A” packing for good. (Sure, you say that now Spencer, but what about when “A” gives you a nasty case of irritable bowel syndrome . . .)
Oh, look . . . I’ve made them both mad . . .
Now, for those of you gullible people who were ACTUALLY worried about Emily skipping town, A.K.A. leaving the show, you can breathe easy. Cue the 8:53 quick fix problem solution, in the form of Dad saying that Emily doesn’t need no STINKIN’ scholarship. The Fields will find a way to work, with swimming or without. Except, it’s looking more and more, like it’s going to be “without” . . . just sayin’ . . .
Aria Gets BORED . . . (and Mike Gets . . . meh . . . I don’t really care about Mike.)
Those of you who have spent the last few weeks crying in your cornflakes over the notion that we may never again be able to watch Aria make pottery again, after her unfortunate run-in with Blind Jenna, a few weeks back (You know who you are! ;)) can rest easy now. This episode finds Artsy Aria at Random Fake College Hollis, applying blue glaze paint to a SUPER large bowl.
(What a coincidence? This is the color Fitzy’s balls are about to be in about five minutes! Talk about “FORESHADOWING!”)
Speaking of Professor Fitzy, he pops by the studio, clearly hoping for a Quickie. He’s so turned on right now, it’s a wonder he managed to keep his clothes on during the trip over. But Aria seems a bit . . . distracted. “Can we, do this later?” She asks. (Oooh . . . that is NOT good, Fitzy! Not good AT ALL!)
So, Fitzy, not one to be easily discouraged, pulls out a copy of his trusty “Seduction for Dummies” book, and starts tossing out pickup lines from it, like they are going out of style.
The only problem, of course, is that the version of “Seduction for Dummies” Fitzy is using is apparently from 1995. How else would you explain his dropping a Ghost reference in there? Doesn’t he realize that movie came out a at least a good FOUR YEARS before Aria was even BORN? Way to date yourself, Buddy . . .
Fortunately, for Fitzy (or, perhaps, unfortunately) depending on how you look at it, Aria has somehow seen this movie (Maybe she watched from the womb?). The problem, of course, is that Aria doesn’t find the notion of a MURDERED BOYFRIEND possessing Whoopie Goldberg, in order to seek vengeance on his killers, all that romantic . . . (Gee, I wonder why?)
In Fitzy’s defense of course, I’ve caught the Infamous Pottery Making Scene from the movie on cable a few times, and it IS pretty hot . . . if you go for “that sort of thing” . . .
If the dated Ghost reference was Strike One, Strike Two is when Fitzy swoons over a piece of pottery he THINKS is Aria’s handiwork, but it actually ends up being . . . wait for it . . . Blind Jenna’s . . .
Remember, back last season, when Fitzy randomly became OBSESSED with Blind Jenna’s writing, and how “sublimely talented she was?” Yeah, he’s doing it again . . . and Aria doesn’t like it any more THIS time, than she did back then . . .
Also, I’m sorry, but that piece of pottery Jenna made . . . with all the little bullet-hole things in it . . . not only is TOTALLY non-functional (Can you imagine trying to put liquid in that thing?), it is also UGLY with a capital “U”! I thought you had better taste than that Fitzy? Seriously!
Of course, had Fitzy let the matter drop, right there, he probably would have saved himself a strike. BUT THEN . . . he has to start nagging Aria again about why she isn’t friends with Jenna. Really, Fitzy? Does the term brother-f*&ker mean anything to you? An already aggravated Aria (and, lets face it, she’s had a stick up her but throughout this entire scene), grouchily tells Fitzy that Jenna dropped the class, after learning that Aria was enrolled. So, no, they won’t be braiding eachother’s hair or having sex with eachother’s brothers painting eachother’s toenails, anytime soon.
“This is the part where I stab you in the face, and blood spews all over my ugly holey ceramic cup.”
Fitzy earns his final strike by letting the green monster rear it’s ugly head. He asks about what happened with Klepto Mike the night of the dinner party. And Aria is clearly hesitant to reveal her little brother for the lowlife he is. When Aria admits to being ashamed of the fact that her brother is the Town Sticky Fingers, Fitzy sweetly reminds her that she doesn’t have to be embarrassed about anything around him.
“Throw me a bone here, will ya? I’m TRYIN’!”
But when Aria lets it slip that Klepto Mike was caught stealing at Facelift Jason’s house, warning bells go off in the Professor’s little brain. “So, THAT’s what you two were talking about at the party, Fitzy says, beginning to piece things together. “Should I be worried about this Jason Guy?” Fitzy inquires, finally mustering up the courage to ask the question that’s clearly been on his mind ever since he saw those two with their heads pressed together on that Fateful Night.
“Hell, yes, you should! Don’t you know that EVERY SINGLE MALE CHARACTER that gets introduced on this show, eventually ends up as a love interest for ONE of the girls? Remember what happened with Bushy Eyebrows Noel? Where have you been, Fitzy? WHAT? NO!” Aria sputters defensively, though the thoughtful look on Aria’s face, after Fitzy leaves (He asked her to stop by his place for sex, and she promptly shot him down) said something VERY different.
Aria blows off Fitzy, once again, when the latter arrives at the hospital, to check on her, while she is visiting Emily. During the increasingly cold and awkward conversation, Aria conveniently gets a call from Facelift Jason (Doesn’t she always, during moments like this?) and lies through her teeth about who’s calling her.
Uh oh! If I were you, I’d keep Wacky Jackie’s number on speed dial, Fitzy. Because it looks like you may very well have been at least temporarily replaced . . .
In other news, Klepto Mike indicated to his mother that he MIGHT be stealing from everyone in town, because BOO HOO WOO, she moved out of the house for two days, and then moved back . . . And WAHHHHHH, it’s SO HARD coming from an upper-middle class attractive family that loves you, and sdlkfjsd;lkjjjjj . . . Sorry! That was my head hitting the keyboard. I just fell asleep, while typing this . . .
“So . . . Mike . . . is your head naturally that large, or did you steal one of those new Brain Inflation Devices from one of the houses you robbed.”
Hanna’s Dad Gets Dumped . . . (But HEY! At least, he still has his fiance!)
After the Drunken Staircase Hump Heard ‘Round the Marin Household, Ma and Pa Marin, apparently, screwed eachothers’ mid-life crisis having brains out made a “night” of it.
Because, the next morning, Papa Marin — complete with rumbled suit, bloodshot eyes, hangover face, and bedhead — makes the long Walk of Shame down the steps.
And though he clearly tries to avoid doing so at all costs Nice DAD! Real NICE!, he is forced to make small talk over breakfast with his daughter.
Emily and Hanna are sporting matching, “We know you just had sex” faces . . .
. . . while a definitely worse for wear Papa Marin simply tries to keep from puking in his Cheerios. Then, as if things couldn’t get more awkward, who should come down the steps but Little Miss Screws A lot, herself, Mama Marin . . .
After the adults make some mumbled excuse as to why the entire house was vibrating last night, Mama notes wryly that Papa is up a bit early this morning, considering how obviously sh*tfaced drunk he was the night before. Papa leers seductively at Mama, and tells him that it must have been his desire to avoid running into his daughter his “human body clock .” “Somethings you just can’t turn off,” says Papa, casting a lewd sex stare in Mama’s direction. Now, please excuse me, while I go vomit . . .
OK . . . I’m back.
You’ve Got Mail, Hanna Marin! And guess what it is? It’s a Save the Date card for your DAD’S wedding to a woman who is not your Mom! AWK-WARD!
I hate to say it, but that’s a GORGEOUS invitation. The “Other Woman” has great taste (in invitations . . . not in men . . . because she chose Hanna’s dad . . . And he’s a total douche.)
That afternoon, Mr. Relentless Sexpot STILL has the gall to put the moves on Mom, right in the middle of her talking to him about EMILY’S ULCER! (ASSHAT!) Mama Marin wins major cool points from fellow members of her sex, by telling Tommy Boy that she deserves a man who knows what he wants, and that was NEVER PAPA MARIN. She then kicks the Loser Who Still Somehow Spawned an Awesome Child, like Hanna to the curb . . . GOOD RIDDENS to BAD DAD’S, I SAY!
But Hanna was kind of bummed out about it, when she found out. (His sperm did help create her, after all.) Fortunately, Caleb was there to give her a little TLC, when she needed it most . . .
Speaking of resident “BAD BOY” Caleb . . .
Caleb Gets Stalked (and Hanna Gets SOME) . . .
I have to say, I was skeptical of this storyline when it first began. At first, it sort of seemed like a continuation of last week’s “Help, I’m in Love with a Criminal” melodrama. And yet, by the end the story took a turn that I have to admit was quite original, and intriguing.
It started lame though . . . with Hanna, once again spying Caleb outside of the school doing “something shady.”
“So, here are those haircare tips you asked me for. Just wash, rinse, and repeat. And you should be just fine.”
But the plot thickens, when Hanna finds and oldish dude stalking Caleb, while staring at his police report . . .
“He really does have spectacular hair . . . so much BODY and SHINE!’
Who is this guy, anyway? Is he part of Caleb’s old GANG? Is he a police officer who specializes in hair theft the illegal pimping out of phones? Hanna isn’t sure. But she knows she doesn’t want to see her boy toy in trouble. So, she tries to subtly warn him not to do . . . whatever the heck it is he actually does in public, where the whole school and Stalker Guy can see him.
Unfortunately for Hanna, Caleb just assumes his girlfriend is being a Big Ole Judgmental Nag. So, he snaps, explaining how he’d rather pimp out phones than pimp out his body to Aunt Jenna flip burgers at the local Mickey D’s. He then stomps off, leaving Hanna looking sad, and more than a bit worried about her boyfriend’s future as the “picker upper soap in a prison shower . . .”
At the hospital, while visiting Emily, Spencer somehow manages to get Hanna to spill the beans about what’s going on between her and Caleb. Hanna admits that she hasn’t told him about the “cop” following him, because she is afraid that, if he finds out, he will run, and she will “lose him again.” HELLO? SELFISH MUCH? Spencer sets Hanna straight, informing him that the minute Caleb gets picked up by the Po Po, is forced to don an orange jumpsuit, and shower with a bunch of other dudes, with names like Bubba and Sweet Tits, she’s pretty much lost him, anyway . . .
“Gee, thanks, Debbie Downer! Since when did you start watching reruns of Oz.”
In what might have been the Biggest Overreation of a PLL Character Ever, Hanna randomly decides to dress up like a character from Mad Men (or Blind Jenna, whichever you prefer), kidnap Caleb, and whisk him off to one of Spencer’s parents MANY abandoned homes, which seem to just pop up around Rosewood like the Chicken Pox (Wealthy much?)
At the Abandoned House, Hanna confronts Caleb with the news that he is being stalked / followed. And he promises her that, no matter what happens, he’s not going to go on the lam, and skip town again . . .
Hanna further makes him promise that if he DOES decide to leave, he take Hanna along, since she is so great at HOT TENT SEX
. . . camping.
They decide to make out on the couch, as the camera focuses on a fire similar to the one where Papa Hastings burnt Ali’s murder weapon to a crisp. How romantic!
Sweet, huh? But the REAL twist to this story comes at the end, when Hanna confronts Caleb’s stalker, and tells him to leave her boyfriend alone. As we learn later, the “stalker” is not a cop at all, rather, he’s a Private Investigator for SOMEONE who wants to reach out to Caleb again (most likely a biological parent).
(It just goes to show you that no good deed goes unpunished, right Hanna?)
All kidding aside, I’m very eager to see where this storyline will take us . . .
Spencer Gets a Clue (and a Corpse?)
At school, Police Boy Garrett intercepts Spencer, wondering why she ran off on him, like she did, the night she received Aria’s text.
Seeing Police Boy not-so-subtly try to figure out what Spencer knows makes me understand why he “gets along so well” with Blind Jenna. I mean, this guy is a SERIOUSLY socially awkward creeper . . . from his insanely bad jokes . . . to his serial killer smile . . . to his constant invasion of personal space. You can’t really blame Spencer for treating him like a leper, and not wanting to be near him, especially considering where that mouth has BEEN.
You know . . . they say that when you sleep with someone, you are actually sleeping with EVERY SINGLE PERSON that person slept with. I wonder if the same theory applies to kissing. Because, if so, Spencer has theoretically kissed both Blind Jenna AND Garrett . . . think about it.
In a parked police car, somewhere in Rosewood, Blind Jenna and PoliceBoy Garrett are engaged in a conversation they SHOULD have had, the night before, back when they were sucking face in front of an audience. Both parties seem worried that Spencer might know something about who actually killed Ali. They seem particularly perturbed by Spencer’s inquiry as to whether a WOMAN did it. They wonder if Spencer knows about the “Jason” thing, but assume that she does not.
The tenor of the conversation sort of makes it seem like Jenna killed Ali, Garrett helped her to cover it up, and Jason, was there somewhere, to wasted to be a reliable witness. Of course, the fact that this SEEMS like the most obvious answer to the mystery, probably means that it’s not the answer at all.
*sigh* “Everything with Garrett is SO complicated! I should really go back to just f*&king my brother.”
After Spencer checks in on Emily and her Massive Stomach Hole, she attempts to sneak down to the morgue, and commit a felony, by rifling through Dead Ali’s autopsy report.
The problem, of course, is that Dr. Hot Brit intercepts her for a Greys Anatomy Elevator Moment . . .
“Oh, Spencer . . . sex in the elevator with a REAL doctor is HOT STUFF! Just sayin’! Don’t knock it, until you’ve tried it! Your boyfriend will never have to know which reminds me, WHERE IS ABS TOBY? Isn’t he Emily’s friend too? Shouldn’t he be there? What gives, TOB?“
Having had a chance to look at Emily’s admittance charts, Wren assumes that Spencer is headed to see Emily, when, in fact, she has already seen her. In fact, when Spencer tries to sneak down to the morgue, it is WREN that reroutes her back to the third floor. NAUGHTY WREN! You spoiled Spencer’s plan. You deserve a SPANKING! Please . . . allow ME. . . 😉
Not willing to be foiled again, Spencer gets the “brilliant” idea that she and Aria should steal candy striper uniforms from the laundry room (Ew! I hope they were clean!) . . .
. . . so that they could sneak into the morgue. Riiiiight, because candy stripers ALWAYS work in the morgue. After all, if anyone needs candy and young hot girls in short skirts joy, it’s THE DEAD!
We learn quite a few things from Spencer’s and Aria’s little morgue field trip:
(1) Rosewood Hospital hasn’t experienced any technological advances since the movie Ghost came out. We know this because Ali’s autopsy is just “hanging out” in a folder, as oppposed to . . . I don’t know . . . on a computer . . . with a security system . . . or even in a friggin lock box, I mean GEEZ!
(2) Apparently, not that many people have died in Rosewood since 2007, because ALL OF THOSE people’s autopsies fit in that TEENY TINY CABINET.
(3) Ali was hit on the back of the head by an object that may or may not have been a hockey stick.
(4) She also died with dirt in her mouth, which may or may not mean that she enjoyed eating dirt was BURIED ALIVE!
The problem, of course, is that all that information was found on the first FOUR pages of the autopsy. Because Page 5 is . . . MISSING!
The final scene of the episode is arguably the BEST final scene in PLL history. It features some creepy janitor guy eating a cookie . . . and . . . THIS . . .
That’s right, my Pretties! Apparently Creepy Pedo Ian isn’t the ONLY zombie on this show . . .
And, there you have it. That was “Save the Date” in a nutshell. Though I can’t say it was my favorite episode, the hospital setting gave it a dark, eerie feel, that was a nice change of pace from the typical “perky bedroom and kitchen” sets we typically see on this show. Additionally, I must say I was rather impressed with Shay Mitchell’s acting this week. This was arguably Emily’s most complex storyline to date, and she handled it brilliantly.
Oh, and there was WREN . . . lots and lots of WREN! Keep bringing on the Dr. Hot Butt Brit PLL writers. 😉 Mommy like . . . A LOT!
Based on the Much Music trailer, next week’s episode promises, among other things, a steamy bedroom makeout sesh between Aria and Facelift Jason (Dream Sequence?),weird body part photography, and plenty of Spencer Face to go around. You can check it out, in its entirety here:
Until then, try to stay out of the morgue, My Pretties! And, for heaven sakes, keep an eye on your CREAM! 🙂
“I think we can work this out, kids! YOU don’t tell the police about the murder weapon buried in our backyard. And I won’t tell Mom that everytime you two SAY you are ‘playing Scrabble’ in Spencer’s bedroom, you are really having loud, raucous sex.”
Hello, my Pretties! If we’ve learned one thing on Pretty Little Liars it’s that episodes featuring shirtless guys will inevitably be better than episodes without them nothing stays buried forever. In fact, in Rosewood, it seems that the deeper you bury your darkest secret, the more likely it is to rise to the surface, and bite you in the bum. So, hold on to your hockey sticks, folks; and put your pimped out, illegal cell phones on vibrate, because it’s time to start the recap . . .
Would you like “A” candy?
(I’m guessing the little pig stuffed animal was intended for Poor Hanna. Any guesses as to what the other animal is, and what it has to do with Emily?)
The episode begins with the girls gathered in Hanna’s household. And guess what they are doing? SURPRISE! They are recapping the last episode for you! How annoying . . . I mean, seriously, isn’t this what the “Previously On Pretty Little Liars” segment of the show is supposed to do? helpful and considerate of them.
The foursome gossips about A’s recent dastardly derailment of A’s fashion show tribute. They also continue to conjecture that “A” might be torturing them, not just for the fun of it, but because he or she killed Ali, and wants to ensure the girls’ silence, if and when the killer’s identity is revealed. I don’t know. If I killed someone, and didn’t want certain people to find out about it, I probably wouldn’t be SENDING THEM MESSAGES EVERYDAY! But, hey, that’s just me . . .
Also, this week, we learn that Emily and Hanna are not only sharing the same HOUSE, until school lets out for the summer, they are also apparently sharing the same BEDROOM.
When asked about this, the girls slough it off with lame (not to mention, highly convenient) excuses about “burst pipes,” but we all know the REAL reason they are sleeping together, don’t we? *hint, hint, wink, wink* Let the onslaught of Hanna / Emily slash fanfiction begin!
Unfortunately, this Pretty Little Lovefest is interrupted by a knock on the door. Hanna answers. And lo and behold! It’s a Special Delivery from “A” SHOCKER! Here’s what the note on the card says . . .
Sometimes, I feel like “A” needs to get a life of her (his?) own, and stop stalking the girls like it’s his or her job. But, hey, if she (or he) did that, we probably wouldn’t have a show, now would we?
Study Buddies and Shady Dealings
EMILY: “Umm . . . Hanna, I don’t think we should be watching your parents having sex.”
HANNA: “Why not? This will give me so much more to talk about, during therapy!”
As two only children, Hanna and Emily aren’t exactly people who are used to sharing a space. So, of course, it doesn’t take long at all for the new roomies to start getting on one another’s nerves. First Brown Noser Emily has to go and make Hanna look like a sucky daughter / lazy person, by cooking the family a fancy schmancy omelette breakfast, and not-so-casually remarking that she did it after heading out for her “morning run.”
“I’m so glad you enjoyed the omelette, Ms. Marin. You can find the recipe for it at I’mBetterThanHanna.Com”
As someone who is not at all a morning person, myself, I can certainly relate to Hanna’s jealousy / frustration. Oh, you should also know that Emily is clutching her back, and rubbing her neck throughout most of this episode. Under normal circumstances we would say this is simply because she probably slept funny the night before. However, on PLL, this is what we call “foreshadowing” . . .
While walking into school, Hanna overhears her new boyfriend on the phone with some dude who didn’t pay Caleb for “pimping out his phone.” To be honest, I’m not exactly sure what that means. Did he make it so that the perv could call 1-900 sex number, for free? Did he get the guy tons of free iPhone apps, you’d normally have to pay for? Did he bedazzle it with lots of red glitter and heart stickers? Well, whatever he did, DUDE didn’t pay. And Caleb is PISSED!
The problem, of course, is that you can’t really sue someone for not paying you to help them break the law. So, Caleb will probably have to resort to other means of collecting payment . . . like putting a horse’s head in the deadbeat’s bed, or putting hair removal bleach in his shampoo, or forcing him to listen to Blind Jenna play the flute, for hours on end . . .
I get the chills just thinking about it . . .
Hanna is a bit concerned about Caleb’s “underground business,” because it makes her feel like in, 15 years, Caleb will be in jail, and she will be a reality star on Mob Wives: Rosewood Edition. However, she wants to make sure she’s still seen as “the cool girlfriend,” so she doesn’t say much. Besides, it could be worse! He could be getting paid by someone to steal her virginity in a tent. Oh, wait . . . he already did that . . .
Did I mention some dude is stalking Caleb with his car, outside the school? Note to Caleb: Next time you “pimp out” a phone, you might want to make it double as a gun. Because, something tells me you’re going to need it . . .
Back at home, Emily is trying to study, and rubbing her neck some more (See? FORESHADOWING!). However, she’s finding it incredibly difficult to concentrate, with Hanna SINGING AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS . . .
(Note: This is actually the second time in two weeks, that Hanna’s been shown bopping out to a song on her iPod, and it sounded so much fun that I wanted to download it onto MY iPod, immediately after watching. This song was called “Smash It” by Zowie. YAY, for product placement!)
(WARNING: Flying Mr. Bear is a trained professional in the art of Guerilla Warfare on Hanna Singing. DO NOT try this at home . . .)
Having completely given up on doing her homework, Emily decides to go all Dr. Phil on Hanna, by asking her how dating a crook “makes her feel.” In response, Hanna does the teenage equivalent of putting her fingers in her ear an going “Na-na, na-na, na-nah! I can’t HEAR YOU!” In other words, he puts her iPod headphones back on . . .
The next night, Emily decides to go to the library to study, which Hanna thinks is ridiculous, because . . . you know . . . libraries . . . EW! Hanna prefers to study in the mall, and buy “study,” I mean “shoplift.”
These were probably my favorite two lines of dialogue in the entire episode. And the FACE Hanna makes when she asks about the “Gay Thing” is priceless!
For about two seconds, Hanna seems hurt by Emily’s decision to leave her for those smelly old books. But then Caleb stops by, and it’s like, “Emily who?”
“Is that a bedazzled cell phone in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”
Caleb REALLY DOES seem to want Hanna to be the Carmella Soprano to his Tony. So, once again, he starts making phone calls for his illegal enterprise in Hanna’s room, when he should be doing something more productive with his time, like, oh . . . I don’t know . . . having wild and crazy sex homework? Hanna, who is already practicing to be the perfect housewife in training, plays the classic Wifey Trick on her new boyfriend. “I’m not judging you for what you do, I’m just. . . concerned,” Hanna says, in a way that makes it SO OBVIOUS that she is TOTALLY judging him.
“I REALLY, REALLY want to talk about it. PLEASE, PLEASE ASK ME I don’t want to talk about it.”
An annoyed Caleb claims he “doesn’t want to talk about it,” which is obviously Total B.S., since he INSISTS on flaunting his “phone business” in front of Hanna, pretty much any chance he gets. So, she subtly threatens Caleb, that if he DOESN’T talk about his crimes, she will be forced to extol for him the many virtues of HAIR WEAVES . . .
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the most ‘unbe-weave-able’ one of all?”
Like a Prisoner of War faced with having his private parts placed in a vice grip, Caleb starts telling Hanna ALL ABOUT the Car Stealing Gang he used to run with. Eventually, these guys became too intense for him, and he bailed. So, in other words, Hanna should be happy that his only crime now is helping teens get free porn on their iPods, because it could be SO much worse. Hanna reluctantly agrees, because, as she tells Emily later. She’s just SOOOO happy, he came back for her, after the whole “Male Prostitute Fiasco.”
“That Caleb . . . he’s such a stand-up guy . . . someone who was willing to give up the opportunity to have PAID sex with me, in order to have FREE sex with me. *sigh* My hero!”
Of course, the problem is that the dude watching Caleb and Hanna chatting outside the school is SO OBVIOUSLY part of the gang Caleb abandoned. My advice to Hanna: Enjoy Caleb’s flawless face while it lasts, because if I know anything about gangs, someone’s about to break that pretty mug into about a million pieces . . .
Oh, did I mention that Hanna and Emily got to watch Hanna’s drunk parents fondle one another on the staircase? Well . . . now I have!
Remember when Mama Marin did this to Deputy Douchey in the Pilot Episode? Sounds like Girlfriend needs to learn a little lesson in “impulse control.” They call it “GET A ROOM” for a reason, Ashley!”
Meanwhile, in Arialand . . .
Two is Company, Three is Sexy, Four is a STEAL . . .
Poor Aria! It must be so hard to have two insanely gorgeous men in your living room, hitting on you, at the EXACT SAME TIME!
Good NEWS! Aria’s Parents are having a “Aren’t You Glad We’re Still Together, Even Though Byron was Caught Screwing his Student not too Long Ago” Get Together at the house! And guess who’s invited? THIS GUY!
But that’s not all! Aria’s parents are also inviting THIS GUY . . .
Unfortunately, it’s not a “Clothing Optional” kind of party . . .
By the way, I love how, aside from Aria’s two boyfriends, and the one random couple with the baby, Mama and Papa Montgomery seemingly didn’t have any other people to invite to their little clambake. I mean, that’s strange right? Mama Montgomery invited Facelift Jason, because she felt bad about what happened to his Mom at his fashion show, but, apparently, not bad enough to ACTUALLY invite his Mom.
“Hey, don’t look at me. I’m just as high confused as you are.”
Papa Montgomery invited Fitzy, because he felt like Fitzy didn’t have any other teacher friends at Hollis. And yet, apparently, Papa Montgomery doesn’t have any “teacher friends” at Hollis either except for the former student he banged, because Fitzy is the only faculty member he ended up inviting. Heck, the Montgomery’s couldn’t even get their OWN son to come to their party . . .
Hey! Look! Mike stole that off of somebody’s car! Maybe he’s part of Caleb’s old Gang!
You know, if you think about it, half the people at the Montgomery were only there for a chance to enter Aria’s panties . . . To say otherwise, would be like saying that people watch PORN for the cinemotography . . . I’ll admit, I laughed quite a bit, when Mama Montgomery noted that Aria should “get used to calling Fitzy, Ezra.” Ha! At this point in their relationship, “Ezra” is probably the TAMEST of the nicknames she has for him.
So, remember a few weeks back, when Aria got super pissed at Fitzy for not wanting to give her hug in front of her parents at Ian’s funeral. Well, it seems that this week the tables have turned. When an incredibly nervous Aria begs Fitzy not to show up at her family dinner party, Fitzy surprises her, by INSISTING that he genuinely wants to attend.
Fitzy’s argument in favor of his own attendance? Aria wants the two of them to “come out” as a couple. This seems like the most expedient, and least painful, way to begin doing that . . .
Intially, Aria remains skeptical. But then Fitzy plants a Big Fat Wet One on her . . .
And she loses the capacity to remember her OWN name, let alone disagree with anything Fitzy has said!
Ezra arrives at the Montgomery house first, bearing gifts of flowers and top shelf Scotch, which he pretends to enjoy for alchy Papa’s benefit, even though he once told Aria, the stuff tastes like diet cola and iodine. (Really, Fitzy? You’ve tasted IODINE before? Why? Did you think it would give you superpowers?)
“Great Bottle, Fitzy! I just wish it wasn’t so small, so I’d have enough liquor leftover for breakfast tomorrow too!”
Aria is just SO PROUD of her boyfriend’s mad “Kiss the Parents’ Asses,” moves. In fact, she’s just about to take Fity into her bedroom, and have her way with him when THIS GUY appears on her doorstep . . .
“Well, hello Aria’s panties . . . er . . . I mean Aria. It’s great to see you again!”
“Who the f*&k is this douche (and how does he get his hair to be so fluffy)?”
As you might expect Fitzy and Facelift Jason enter into a bit of a classic pissing contest to determine who’s “more manly” for Aria to date. Bike riding stats are exchanged . . .
Go, Speedracer, GO!
But, of course, my favorite part of the whole evening, came when Facelift Jason asked if Fitzy HAD Aria . . .
. . . in his CLASS . . . had her IN HIS CLASS . . .
Yeah . . . I didn’t think that was what he meant, either . . .
Unfortunately, a Cop (not Deputy Douchey) has to come by and interrupt the Facelift Jason and Fitzy comedy hour, to inform Ma and Pa Montgomery that Mike’s been stealing stuff from people again . . . while they are still HOME! (WHAT A MORON!)
“Bad Boys, Bad Boys. Whatcha Gonna Do? Whatcha Gonna Do when they come for YOU!”
Ma and Pa Montgomery rush off to spring their son from the POKEY, leaving Aria to “entertain” her two gentleman callers. I SMELL A THREESOME!
YEAH! A Threesome! Facelift Jason LIKE!
“Thanks, but no thanks! I’d much rather go pout in the corner, and write poetry about my feelings.”
Meanwhile, Mama Montgomery is FINALLY realizing how badly she and Byron are sucking as parents, considering that one of their kids has become a total klepto, and the other one is probably being stalked by a serial killer, and neither of those two had ANY clue about it . . .
“Ohhh . . . so THAT’S what our son looks like! We FORGOT!”
In an earlier conversation between Mama Montgomery and Mama Marin, we learn that these two are actually pretty close though not close enough for her to be invited to the DINNER PARTY, and that Emily’s Mom is a part of their social circle. But Papa Hastings TOTALLY has cooties!
In this scene, we learn that PAPA Hastings was the guy behind all the girls seeing a therapist, as well as the RIDICULOUSLY BAD (not to mention, ineffective) decision to separate the PLL girls. (I love how all the moms’ on this show seem pretty cool, but all the dad’s . . . with the exception of Emily’s . . . seem TOTALLY evil.)
Fitzy earns some major points for offering to help Aria clean up after the party . . .
There is nothing sexier, than a man who knows his way around a dishwasher . . .
But then, he sort of loses some points, by jealously interrogating Aria about Facelift Jason . . .
Speaking of Facelift Jason, he has the advantage of knowing what’s going on with Klepto Mike. So, he uses it to his advantage, by playing the “Sensitive Guy,” and comforting Aria about the sudden emergence of her brother’s DARK SIDE . . .
“You seem tense, Aria! Take off your clothes, and I will give you a massage.”
Facelift Jason suggests that Aria find out how serious Mike’s stealing problem IS, so that she can better assess her next move. Within minutes, Aria has found Mike’s MASSIVE THIEF STASH RIGHT IN HIS ROOM. Geez! His parents really had to be blind to miss this! Speaking of blind . . .
Aria is PISSED AS HELL that Klepto Mike would have the gall to steal from a Brother F*&king BLIND CHICK!
She then abruptly, and unceremoniously, throws her two male suitors out of her household, so that she can rip Klepto Mike a new butthole, when he comes home.
“Was it something I said?”
Upon being confronted by Aria, Klepto Mike insists that he didn’t steal that ugly piece of crap bowl from Blind Jenna’s house. Rather, he took it from Policeboy Garrett’s HOUSE! (By the way, did I hear Klepto Mike correctly, is Garrett’s name really, “Officer McFriendly?” Talk about a wimpy, non-intimidating, name for a cop. They might as well call the guy Mr. Happy Pants!)
Realizing that Policeboy is in the bed cahoots with Blind Jenna, Aria rushes to text Spencer that he can’t be trusted.
But is it already TOO LATE?
Don’t Be Such a Stick in the Mud, Spencer’s Dad!
“DAD! You’re not holding it right! Geez! Does ANYBODY know how to play field hockey on this show besides me (and Dead Creepy Pedo Ian, of course)?
For someone who was once a suspected killer, Abs Toby is quickly becoming the most POPULAR carpenter / landscape architect in town . . .
“Hey, Abs Toby! Why so many clothes? Don’t you like us anymore?”
Just a few weeks back, he was hired by Jason to help him build his fence to hide dead bodies . . . a project that Papa Hastings paid to have discontinued because, in his words, “the DiLaurentis’ are always crossing the line . . .”
. . . into his PANTS!
Then, Papa Hastings hired Abs Toby to finish work on his barn, as sort of an “I’m sorry for thinking you were a killer and forbidding you to date my daughter,” thing. In addition to being a super carpenter, excellent Scrabble player, solid mystery solver, awesome landscaper, fabulous ABS-haver, and remarkable kisser, Toby is apparently also a GREAT ARCHITECT. And the plans he drew up for Papa Hastings’ barn filled Daddy-o with hope that at LEAST one of his children could potentially marry someone who will be rich AND not a psychopath. It’s win / win!
But all that good feeling and mutual respect is put in jeopardy, when Toby digs up Crazy Nanny Carrie Melissa’s old hockey stick in the Hastings’ yard.
And Papa Hastings snatches it away so fast you would think it was a text message from Anthony Weiner . . .
“Stop fondling my stick, Abs Toby!”
When Toby tells Spencer about what happened (I love how honest these two are with one another. It’s refreshing . . . almost as refreshing as watching their crazy hot makeout sessions, on a weekly basis.), she immediately recalls that (1) Ali had taken Spencer’s hockey stick to practice using it as a sex toy with Ian;
“Ian’s stick is much smaller than this one . . .”
. . . and (2) Mr. “I Have No Memory of the Night of Ali’s Death” Facelift Jason once almost hit her with it . . .
“Doesn’t this stick match my shirt perfectly? I think I’ll carry it around, and use it as a cane.”
Now, I know this scene was supposed to be all SCARY. But honestly, it looked like your typical brother / sister rivalry to me. I’m sure Facelift Jason is going to end up being the Number One suspect in Ali’s murder, because that’s clearly what the writers are building toward. However, I honestly, don’t think he did it. Nobody that the PLL’s actually suspect ever ends up being the actual killer. That’s just how this show works . . .
“So, Abs Toby. What exactly is your workout regimen? Because I would love a set of pects like yours!”
Papa Hastings creepily confronts poor Tobs, once again, in the middle of the night, this time to tell him not to tell Spencer about the hockey stick. Abs Toby admits that he already HAS told Spencer, but at least has the foresight to lie and say she didn’t seem to care. Then Papa tells the Tobmeister not to tell Spencer about THIS conversation, which, of course, Abs Toby rushes to do, right away! (That’s right Toby! At least SOMEONE knows where his bread is buttered, if you catch my drift.)
“See? I was a good boy, wasn’t I! You are going to REWARD me, aren’t you?”
The first time Spencer meets with Garrett the Policeboy its to inquire about that messenger guy who Policeboy paid off at Blind Jenna’s request up and left town, after trying to collect the blackmail money for Ian’s sex tapes. The girls would like to question him more about the person who sent him, because it sure as heck wasn’t Ian. It was BLIND JENNA!
Hey, Spencer! You know that when guys do that THING with their belts, it means that they’re aroused, right? Just warning you!
Of course, that Lying Creepster of a Policeboy is not only patronizing, but TOTALLY unhelpful, telling Spencer that there is basically no chance in heck that Messenger Boy is returning to town, so she might as well move on with her life. (Obviously, Policeboy is covering for Blind Jenna. I don’t think SHE killed Ali either. But Policeboy might THINK that she did . . .)
Then Spencer arrives home to find her Dad TOSSING THE HOCKEY STICK INTO THE FIRE, thereby destroying the only evidence the girls may have as to Ali’s real killer . . .
Now Papa Hastings may be your typical rich assh*le, who’d rather throw money at his kids than actually engage in conversation with them. He’s also obstructing justice by destroying criminal evidence here. All that being said, I really believe that he is doing this to try to protect his daughters. Papa recognizes that Spencer was ALREADY once suspected of murdering Ali, when the police found that bloody trophy on the premises. Surely, they would suspect her or Melissa again, if this stick ever turned up.
Still, Spencer is devastated by the notion that her father continues to think the worst of her, despite her being the perfect daughter, not to mention SO MUCH better than her miserable excuse for a human being, sister. Fortunately, she has Toby (and his Abs) to comfort her, during this difficult time . . .
He promises to help Spencer try to find out the truth about what really happened to Alison, so that she can finally be at peace, and prove to her family, once and for all, what a bunch of a$$holes they are . . . It’s actually Toby who indirectly gives Spencer the idea to talk to Policeboy Garrett about what was in Ali’s coroner’s report, as that would undoubtedly illustrate the specific manner in which Ali was killed, and possibly even pin down whether the hockey stick was the weapon that killed her. (SOMEONE’S BEEN WATCHING CSI!)
Honestly, how these girls could have gone on trusting this CREEPER for as long as they have is beyond me? How many times have they asked for his help? And how many times has he given them NOTHING AT ALL but more questions, skeevy leers, and admonitions that they musn’t go to any other cops, aside from him. I’m just glad Spencer got Aria’s text, before she had the chance to spill the beans to Policeboy, as to who she thinks killed Ian.
Now, if only SOMEONE would kill the Policeboy (and, Blind Jenna, while they are at it).
“Paging Dr. Gloved Hand . . .”
I guess we can now add Mad Scientist to “A’s” already ridiculously long resume of Super Villain Skills . . .
The final scene of the episode, features the elusive Gloved Hand injecting a drug called BD7 (Belledium? Belledonna? Bad Donuts?) into a syringe, as the song “I’ve Got You Under My Skin” plays in the background. (Get it? “Under My Skin” . . . because it’s a syringe? Har de har har).
Based on some of the hints we were given in this episode, in conjunction with the Episode 8 promo, I’d say the person being poisoned is our girl, Emily.
Lay off the sauce, Girlfriend! This is NO JOKE!
You can checkout the MuchMusic promo for next week’s installment of PLL, HERE . . .
SPENCER: Pssst, don’t look now, but there’s a BIG GIANT ALISON HEAD behind us . . .
EMILY: Maybe, if we ignore it, it will go away . . .
Poor “sweet” Alison! Perhaps, if there wasn’t a memorial service for her every two episodes, people would stop trying to sabotage them . . .
Hello, my Pretties! This week on PLL, we got to meet Alison’s Mommy, Samara’s “friend,” and a whole lot of dresses. We also got to see how well our favorite little liars can work the Runway . . .
Ten innocent bottles of hairspray were harmed in the making of this picture. FOR SHAME!
Also this week, no hot men took off their shirts . . .
“Oh the humanity!”
. . . which is why I decided to do THIS for you . . .
Wipe the drool off your mouths, girls . . . because it’s time to get this Pretty Little Recap started . . .
“It’s All Fun and Games, Until Someone Hacks Up a Hairball.”
Here’s a Riddle: How many Pretty Little Liars does it take to fold a bunch of fashion show programs?
Answer: Apparently, all of them. (Because folding is . . . like . . . hard . . . or something.)
When the episode begins, the Fabulous Foursome is in Spencer’s room (at least, I think it’s Spencer’s room), preparing for the annual school fashion show / charity event / function where “A” will inevitably torture the girls, and make them wish they were never born. As has become the norm, the girls spend the opening scenes of the episode, helpfully rehashing what happened last week, and trying to figure out who killed Alison. Spencer reminds us, that just because Creepy Pedo Ian didn’t kill Alison on the raunchy sex tape, doesn’t mean he didn’t do it later . . .
You’re not off the hook yet, Buddy! (Poor choice of words?)
Hanna wonders whether “A” isn’t Ali’s actual killer. It’s interesting how, at the beginning of the series, both the girls themselves, and most PLL fans, had always ASSUMED the aforementioned premise to be true. Then, sometime in the middle of the first season, the theory that “A” and Ali’s killer were two DIFFERENT people seemed to become commonly accepted. Now, it seems, with Creepy Pedo Ian dead, the girls, at least, have returned to the first theory.
But, hey, who needs to talk about “boring stuff” like Ali’s killer, when we can talk about EXCITING stuff, like what kind of lip gloss Hanna was wearing when she started cleaning Caleb’s teeth with her tongue, at the end of last week’s episode?
Apparently, she was wearing the sticky kind that tends to get hair stuck to it . . . hair like Caleb’s long luscious locks. Aria (who’s already a little bit pissy, because, not only did Fitzy REFUSE to hug her in public, last week, he also ditched her this week to enter the PLL Lost Significant Other Vortex “attend some lame college conference”) has some choice words to say about that . . .
By the way, I don’t know about you, but, lip gloss or no lipgloss, I’ve never had the experience of hacking up hairballs from making out with guys. Perhaps, Aria just kisses hairier men than I do!
Don’t worry, Fitzy! I wasn’t talking about YOU . . . (See shaved tummy picture above)
Speaking of Aria’s many hairy suitors, she gets a text message from one of them, just shortly after making her hairball comment . . .
OK, here’s another question: How many of you actually include FULL NAMES in your cell phone contacts? I mean, I understand that Jason is a fairly common guy’s name. So, maybe a popular girl like Aria has four or five friends named Jason. But still, wouldn’t “Jason D” be sufficient? Or “Jason Ali’s Bro”? Or, my personal favorite, “Facelift Jason?” Honestly, I’m not even sure a name like “Jason Dilaurentis” would fit in my cell phone contact list! A name like that would probably take up MY ENTIRE SCREEN! But, I digress . . .
Text Message Reply: “Hello, Jason Dilaurentis. Aria Montgomery would very much like to meet you outside in your car, so that we can discuss the fact that you are still a murder suspect, and perhaps, if we are lucky, make out. Don’t worry, I am wearing a special lipgloss that minimizes hairball creation.”
Being sure not to tell the girls who she is meeting (They, of course, assume it’s Fitzy), Aria heads out in the dark of night to rendezvous with Facelift Jason.
Try to forget, for a moment, that he has been eye f*&king her to near-pregnancy in every scene the two of them shared, since he got his new face. Do you want to know why I THINK it’s obvious that Facelift Jason wants a First Class Trip inside the Montgomery Pantalones? Let’s put it this way, he asked to meet her in secret . . . in his expensive car . . . in the middle of the night . . . just to tell her not to tell anybody about something he said to her the day before.
“Don’t worry Facelift Jason, I’m going to keep this between you, me, “A,” and the million or so folks who watch Pretty Little Liars, every week . . .”
Wouldn’t a “Don’t tell your Big Mouth Friends that I think I may have killed my sister, while in the midst of a Drunken Rage Blackout” text message would have sufficed, in this situation?
Anyway, Facelift Jason is relieved that Aria is thankful enough to him for not ratting her bratty brother out as a Dirty Thief, to not rat him out as a Drug Addict / Potential Sister Killer. Everybody WINS! (Well, except Ali of course . . . who’s dead . . . and Creepy Pedo Ian, who’s also dead).
Dads Behaving Badly . . .
Talk about sending a bad message! There are FOUR DADS on this show. And if my theories about Spencer’s papa is correct, the ONLY one of them who has never been unfaithful to his lady love, is the one who’s too busy fighting for his country to have time to do so!
“YAY! I WIN!”
In a scene that’s highly reminiscent of the Aria’s Parents Secretly Start Dating One Another Again storyline (BARF!), Hanna comes home to find her divorced Mommy and Daddy slowly getting eachother wasted with Martinis, and looking at one another, like they want to do it on the counter, right in front of their daughter.
“I’m so glad you guys decided to fork over the money for my therapy. Because I am REALLY going to need a shrink, after seeing this . . .”
Some might argue that Hanna should be happy that her parents are possibly reconciling. And yet, this jaded blonde has been around the block enough times with her Douchey Dad to have developed a healthy dose of skepticism toward his ever-evolving definition of “family.” “What’s for dessert?” She asks her “sperm donor” snidely. “Or are you saving that for your new family?”
Meanwhile, elsewhere in Dysfunctional Family Land, Spencer has just finished probably having super hot sex with Abs Toby . . .
. . . when she overhears her dad loudly arguing with someone on the phone. Specifically, he is telling someone that he or she “clearly doesn’t have control over a certain situation, if Jason is back home.” Cue Spencer Face!
When Spencer asks her dad about the telephone conversation, he acts suspicious enough that it prompts Spencer to dial the last number he called, after he conveniently leaves the phone on the kitchen table.
“Do you like Scary Movies?”
Upon doing that, she quickly learns that the woman her Dad was screaming at was none other than . . . wait for it . . . Ali’s and Jasons’ Mom, Jessica DiLaurentis . . .
Now, I’m guessing that Spencer’s POP and his Lady Friend were both using landlines to make this call, considering (1) Spencer had to press Redial to solve the mystery, instead of simply looking at the “Dialed Calls” list that is now available on pretty much every cell phone made in the last FIVE YEARS; (2) Dead Ali’s Mom conveniently stated her FULL NAME, upon picking up the phone, which means that she obviously didn’t realize that the call was coming from the Exact Same Person Who Just Called Her Moments Ago.
*sigh* Old People . . . they never learn . . . 😉
Now, to me, it seems pretty obvious that the “Big Secret” Spencer’s Dad and Ali’s Mom are hiding is that they had an affair at some point. And the reason that Spencer’s Dad is so miffed about Jason returning to town is that HE KNOWS ABOUT IT, somehow. Then again, I could be TOTALLY wrong . . .
In other Parental Unit News, Emily’s Mom is getting all weepy about missing Emily’s Dad . . .
*insert blubbering noises here*
So, Emily suggests that she go stay with him in Texas for a while, so the two can have Wild and Crazy Monkey Sex in the army barracks get “reacquainted,” while Emily finishes out the school year in Rosewood.
“WOO HOO! Parties every night at my house! You’re all invited!”
Dressed to Kill (or Be Killed)
The next day, Spencer and Aria are talking about how suspicious Facelift Jason is acting (Actually, Spencer is talking about that. Aria is sticking up for Facelift Jason, like it’s her JOB! Watch out, Fitzy!), when they get a strange e-mail from Alison’s mom, inviting all four of the PLL’s to lunch . . . UH OH!
OK . . . now this may be because I’m a TOTAL NERD, but I had so much fun reading the subject headings for all of Spencer’s FAKE E-MAILS! Someone in the production department probably had a blast coming up with these! Here are some questions I had: (1) Why is Melissa e-mailing Spencer for “lunch” when she (a) hates her now, because of the Ian thing, and (b) is supposedly on vacation? (2) Whose birthday is it, that Spencer is getting them cupcakes? (3) Spencer plays the flute? (4) What the heck is Albacore Design? And why does Spencer keep making and canceling orders from them?
Cue, the most AWKWARD lunch meeting ever . . .
Only the swankiest of restaurants serve their drinks in jars of leaves . . .
Alison’s mom, who’s looking a bit looped, after her fourth Bloody Mary before noon (Hey, I’m sure it’s Happy Hour, SOMEWHERE!), is apparently STILL head of the school board, despite the fact that neither of her children have attended Rosewood Prep in at least a year. (Maudlin much?) She recalls depressingly how much her Dead Daughter loved the Annual Fashion show, and asks the Pretty Little Liars to dedicate a portion of the show to Alison, while each wearing dresses that the SHE picked out, before she was murdered.
“Even in death, I am still making you feel self-conscious, and not-so-subtly criticizing your taste in clothing, MWAH-HAHAHA!”
The girls (rightfully) think this is an ABSOLUTELY AWFUL IDEA. I mean . . . we all remember what happened THE LAST TIME these four made a memorial for Ali, right?
R.I.P. Ugly Ass Memorial Fountain
But still, they have to do it. Because, really, how can you say no to a grieving Mom?
As if the Annual Fashion Show hadn’t become frightening enough, Spencer soon learns that Annoying Mona has stolen the position of Committee Chairperson right out from under her during that whole Under Suspicion for Murdering Ali Fiasco (not to mention completely discarded the programs Spencer spent hours painstakingly FOLDING) . . .
“We thought you were like going to jail, or something,” offers Mona, in a faux sweet voice. “Decisions had to be made. I made them.”
“That’s right, Mona. I’ve never murdered anyone. But keep talking, and that might change real fast.”
I’ve gotta say, Janel Parrish (the actress who plays Mona) is spectacular. The way she portrays this character makes me GENUINELY want to reach into the television and wring her neck, every time she is on screen! Her voice is like nails on a chalkboard to me. Like Spencer, I have no idea why a fun, funny, non-annoying, girl like Hanna would ever willingly spend time with such a slimy toad. Mona is probably the kind of girl who gets spit or worse in her food EVERY SINGLE TIME she eats at a restaurant, if you catch my drift . . .
Mona’s personal “chef”
Fortunately, for Spencer, she has Toby at her side, to prevent her from doing bodily harm to the Evil Mona . . .
Things just went from awkward . . . to annoying . . . to dangerously creepy, in about two minutes flat . . .
Sometimes the Truth Hurts . . .
Apparently, Emily’s new girlfriend has more talents than just the ability to fangirl at swim meets, and successfully lie to parents, she’s also quite the master seamstress! We find Samara at Emily’s house, gleefully fondling the latter’s lady parts, under the guise of fitting her in Alison’s dress for the fashion show . . .
“Ummm . . . Samara? My eyes are UP HERE!”
Between you and me, Samara has always struck me as being a bit insecure about the extent of Emily’s feelings for her. Perhaps, she senses that her new girl Friday seems more than a bit hung up on her former Ex-Loves (and current PLL Vortex Inhabitants) Maya and Little Orphan Bitchy . . .
“LET US OUT! WE’VE BEEN TRAPPED IN HERE FOR MONTHS!”
So, it is not surprising to me that Samara purposefully tries to “test” Emily, by asking if she could bring a “date” with her to the fashion show. Not wanting to seem too possessive over her “friend with benefits,” Emily reluctantly agrees, even managingto offer Samara a polite little smile, upon hearing the request . . . (Threesome, anyone?)
Meanwhile, after hearing from her Mother that memories lost during alcoholic blackouts can be revived with proper coaxing and psychological support (By the way, kudos to Aria’s mom for not-so-subtly copping to taking part in underage drinking, back in the day.) . . .
“To be honest, Aria, I’m still a bit hazy about the night you were conceived. . .”
. . . Shrink Aria meets up with Facelift Jason (who looks so much like Ali, they really could be brother and sister) . . .
. . . to review the pictures of Ali they plan to use in their slideshow tribute to the Dead Girl, during the fashion show . . .
Hey FaceliftJason, how do you expect to see the pictures, if you keep STARING LOVINGLY AT ARIA, while she’s showing them to you?
Things are going well, until Aria starts peppering Facelift Jason with questions about the night of the accident. Once he figures out what she’s trying to do, he gets SUPER defensive, and eventually storms off. I guess SOME memories are better off repressed . . .
“Nice going, ARIA! You just totally blew your opportunity to have sex with me . . . ummm . . . Well . . . actually, I’d still kind of like to have sex with you . . . if you want to have sex with me. Do you? WOULD YOU? Pretty please, with a weiner on top?”
Speaking of Men in Denial, Hanna’s father refuses to cop to the fact that the REAL reason he keeps hanging around the house, is that he wants to get back into Hanna’s mom’s pants . . .
“You want relationship advice, DAD? Did I ever tell you about the time my boyfriend was PAID to seduce me, and took my virginity in a tent outside? Good times!”
Beauty is Painful (and, sometimes, even deadly)
“Gee, thanks a lot A! Now our chances of becoming contestants on America’s Next Top Model are pretty much ruined!”
What started off as a fairly slow, and uneventful episode, definitely picked up the pace, during the climactic annual fashion show, where, in just minutes . . .
. . . Emily met the Mister to her girlfriend, Samara’s “Misses,” and became insanely jealous (which was precisely why Samara brought her along, in the first place). This eventually, prompted Emily and Samara to have “The Talk” about the status of their relationship, and whether they should take it to the “next level.” (Nothing was really decided, however.)
Hanna went for a liquor run, and got an eyefull of her supposedly-separated parents dry-humping on the dance floor, instead . . .
PAPA MARIN: “Let’s make another baby . . . right here . . . while our daughter watches.”
MAMA MARIN: “Oh, Daddy! You always DID know how to sweet talk me . . .”
“Oh, MY EYES! I think I just went blind . . .”
*laughs maniacally* “Mission accomplished!”
Speaking of Hanna, the uninvited Caleb decides to crash the Fashion Show, in order to support her, whether she wants to be supporte or not. (Something tells me, Ashley won’t be the ONLY Marin girl to be getting some nookie tonight . . .)
Spencer spots her Dad fighting with Ali’s Mom again. (Where’s SPENCER’S MOM, anyway? On vacation with Crazy Nanny Carrie Melissa?)
Spencer is also asked by Mona — who is randomly wearing weird librarian glasses — to deliver the Ali Tribute CD to Bushy Eyebrows Noel (a potentially important detail that we will touch upon, in just a bit) . . .
When Spencer hands the CD off to Bushy Eyebrows, he asks her if she wants to watch it first, to make sure it is “OK.” Spencer says “No” . . . a decision she will undoubtedly come to regret later not that it matters, since Bushy and Mona probably would have switched the CDs at the last minute anyway, if they are, in fact, behind all this.
Meanwhile, Jason continues to have visual intercourse with Aria, even though he is supposedly still “mad at her” . . .
It’s important to practice safe eyesex, boys and girls! You never know where else your partner has LOOKED, before you!
The fashion show begins, and our PLL girls strut their stuff, and shake their asses, down the runaway to the cheers and catcalls of a mixture of adoring parents, and potential pedophiles . . .
If The Flintstones was ever made into a porno, I’m pretty sure Betty Rubble would be wearing an outfit like Emily’s . . .
Then the music changes, and it’s time for the Ali Tribute. The girls smile politely, as they walk out together, in the dresses that Ali herself never had the chance to showcase . . .
Cute dresses . . . but I’m not loving the hair choices . . .
Suddenly, the music gets all angry, and death metal-ly. Then, THIS HAPPENS and, it’s really NO SUPRISE AT ALL, CONSIDERING THEY SHOWED THIS PART IN THE MUCHMUSIC PREVIEWS . . .
The whole crowd gasps audibly, as Spencer rushes to turn off the slideshow, and Ali’s mom rushes out of the room in tears . . .
(OK, now I know it’s is probably an inappropriate time to ask this, but who’s the Extra sitting next to Facelift Jason? He’s CUTE! Hey, Buddy, if you are reading this, Call Me!)
Once the chaos has died down, the PLL girls find themselves alone on stage, in entirely different dresses, than the ones they were wearing earlier. (I love that Hanna is wearing the inappropriate Nikki Minaj Concert Dress she wanted to wear to Creepy Pedo Ian’s funeral!) Of course, “A” has one final message she wants to deliver just to them . . .
. . . make that TWO final messages . . .
Given “A’s” passion for fashion, and b*tchy snarkery, not to mention that “my dresses” comment, it is becoming more and more apparent that “A” is a WOMAN (which is not to say that she doesn’t have a male companion by her side to do the “heavy lifting.”) In particular, the final scene of the episode, seems to suggest that the Gloved Hand is manicured underneath the leather (more on that later) . . .
The Aftermath . . .
Understandably, the PLL girls are pretty darn eager to escape the school auditorium, after all that happened to them there. Hanna cuts out with a wide-eyed and clearly smitten Caleb (But where’s LUCAS?) . . .
The pair end up leaving together in his car . . . sound familiar?
Back at home, we get three quick parental moments, in short succession. In the first, Hanna’s dad FINALLY admits to still being in love with Hanna’s mom. And Hanna finally accepts him back into her life . . . (Repeat after me, “AWWWW!)
“So, if your Mom’s room’s a-rockin, don’t come a-knockin”
Emily’s mom decides to go to Texas to see her husband, and, therefore, lets Emily bunk with the Marin’s for the rest of the year. (Because, apparently, the Marin house is the equivalent to the Rosewood Homeless Teen Shelter . . . just ask Caleb!)
(This seemed like kind of a random plot point to me. I’m thinking “Mom” landed a movie role, or TV pilot, or something . . .)
Finally, Spencer’s Dad reluctantly admits to fighting with Ali’s and Jason’s Mom, and warns Spencer to stay away from Facelift Jason so that he can’t tell her about the AFFAIR!.
Remember, how I told you that the last scene seemed to pretty strongly suggest that “A” / Gloved Hand was a woman? Well, it begins with a closeup on an array of open fashion magazines kind of like the ones MONA might have used to create the new Fashion Show program. Now, I don’t mean to be sexist, but how many men DO YOU KNOW that read women’s fashion magazines (Well, aside from the MALE FASHION DESIGNERS, of course)? Gloved Hand then orders a pair of fashionable women’s boots online in Size 5.5. (very small feet!), and delivers them to an as-of-yet unknown address . . .
(By the way, have you ever tried using a laptop, while wearing gloves? It’s IMPOSSIBLE . . . Not to mention, it makes your hands really sweaty.)
So, which PLL girl is about to get a new pair of shoes from “A?” Tune in next week to find out! Until next time, My Pretties!
Somewhere in Hell Heaven, Alison DiLaurentis is hopping mad that her photograph has been discarded, along with the half-eaten fruits and stale lunch meats. Meanwhile, on Earth, a TV Recapper simply wonders why no one in Rosewood recycles newspaper . . .
Hello, my Pretties! It’s time for another installment of “A Knows Everything, and Everybody Acts Shady.” Surprisingly enough, although this episode was depressingly Dr. WREN-LESS . . .
. . . it still ended up being one of my favorite PLL episodes of the season.
Why? You ask . . .
Because, after weeks and weeks of simply raising more questions, this show FINALLY gave us answers . . . It finally gave us (well . . . at least some of) the TRUTH!
Actually, Mr. Nicholson . . . WE CAN!
So, call up Dolce, Gabbana & Liebowitz, put on your least appropriate funeral dress, and pull up a chair in the local cemetery, because it’s time to get started with this recap . . .
Mystery Solved? Not so fast . . .
“Hi Girls, it’s Police Boy Garrett! I just happened to be passing through the school boning Blind Jenna in the janitor’s closet, when I saw all you lovely ladies sitting here. So, I decided to share with you some important information that the viewers needed to know about Dead Creepy Pedo Zombie Ian.”
When we last left our Pretty Little Liars, they were huddled in a barn together, ogling the gory body of Spencer’s Sister’s Dead Fiance . . .
. . . a traumatizing image that basically guarantees that this foursome will be spending the rest of their lives in therapy . . .
*does Happy Dance* “YEAH! Show me the MONEY!” (I’d be smiling right now, but . . . you know . . . Botox.)
Back at school, the girls kindly recap for us what happened last week. Once they are done doing that, Police Boy Garrett arrives with some lame excuse about “returning evidence to the gym.” Come on GARRETT! We all know what (or perhaps I should say WHO) you were doing . . .
I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit . . .
Police Boy Garrett has some new information for the girls about Dead Creepy Pedo Zombie Ian. Or, at least it’s new if you never saw the promos for this week’s episode. He tells them that the autopsy on Ian’s body proves that, by the time he was found, Ian had already been . . . dead FOR A WEEK!
There must be something magical about Police Boy Garrett’s information reveal. Because the moment it happens, Spencer and Emily seem to switch bodies. We know this has happened the minute Emily starts making The Spencer Face.
From that moment on, Emily spends the rest of the episode doing Spencer Things like “Super Sleuthing,” “Mystery Solving,” “Suspect Interrogation,” and “Love Interest Judging.” This is a side of Emily we had never seen before! And having the opportunity to see it now, makes me almost as excited as I was the first time we met Drunk Emily . . .
After the rest of the girls leave the outdoor lounge (with Emily!Spencer undoubtedly wondering why she is suddenly crushing on girls) Spencer!Emily receives (SURPRISE!) yet another cryptic text message from “A.” The difference of course, is, while most of A’s messages to the girls are merely mean, or annoying, this one is actually quite helpful!
That’s right Spencer!Emily! It’s time to do some Detective Work . . .
Helping Emily out is the fact that the girls have not only had the foresight to photograph Ian’s suicide note . . .
. . . they’ve also saved every text message any of them have ever received from “A” on their cell phones.
Although an enterprising fan had already put together these clues for us last week, I have to say, I was rather impressed with the Mix N’ Match / Word Jumble way Emily figured out that Ian’s so-called suicide note was really nothing more than a list of A’s Greatest Text Messaging Hits.
(Though, honestly, he or she really should have considered including My Personal Favorite “A” Message in this list . . .)
“Lions and Tigers and B*tches, Oh MY!”
(I still haven’t figured out how “A” managed to insert a text message into a Fortune Cookie! Best Magic Trick EVER!)
You know what this means, don’t you? Either Dead Creepy Pedo Ian was an extremely avid Pretty Little Liars fan, OR Ian had died back in the Bell Tower, and “A” shot him and forged the suicide note, to make it look like he wrote it . . .
But, not to worry Spencer!Emily fans! Our Veronica Mars 3.0 (because the real Spencer is Veronica Mars 2.0, obviously) isn’t finished sleuthing. Not . . . even . . . close.
Spencer!Emily Interrogates Fed Ex Dude!
No offense, Logan Reed, but I remember you being a bit hotter you were on this show . . .
Open your legs and spread ’em! (I think I’ve seen a few pornos that began this way.)
While picking up a package at Fed Ex, Emily notices a familiar face behind the counter. (Cue The Spencer Face!) Upon further investigation, she learns that Fed Ex Dude is actually Logan Reed. Remember him? He’s the guy who SOMEONE paid off to take the ransom money Police Boy Garrett and the girls used to try to catch Creepy Pedo Ian in the act of stealing the incriminating Dead Ali Snuff Porn video that “A” sent to them.
“Ohhhh YEAH! I remember him!”
Poor Logan Reed pretty much pees himself, upon realizing that Emily recognizes him. So, he runs away from her like a B*tch!
“Your ass is GRASS, Mister!”
However, with a little persistence, Spencer!Emily is eventually able to get Logan to talk. He tells her that he had never even met Dead Creepy Zombie Pedo Ian. Rather, he found an advertisement on line, offering him cash, if he pretended to be Ian and picked up some ransom money. After Logan accepted the “job,” the rest of the transaction was completed by phone. And the person on the other end of the line was . . . A WOMAN!
Now, I give credit where credit is due. And I have to say, for a PLL I have always described as being not the brightest bulb in the lamp, Emily has shown herself to be pretty smart this week. So, of course, before the episode ends, she has to do something PRETTY DARN STUPID to “even things out a bit” . . .
Spencer!Emily Trusts Police Boy Garrett (AGAIN!)
EMILY: “Hey, aren’t you that guy from the Lizzie McGuire Movie?”
GARRETT: “I have no idea what you are talking about.”
It’s been almost a year? Haven’t the PLL girls learned by now that all the cops in Rosewood are shady douche-monkeys, who just happen to look good with their shirts off? Just like all Rosewood teachers like to make monkey with their younger students.
Oh, Deputy Douchey! I miss YOU!
For whatever reason, Spencer!Emily gets the bonehead idea to tell Police Boy Garrett about Logan Reed, and the whole Ransom Money Thing . . .
Riiiiight . . . because this guy has been SO helpful and trustworthy thus far, it TOTALLY makes sense to confide in him again.
Initially, of course, Police Boy Garrett shrugs off Emily’s information, basically telling her that Logan Reed doesn’t matter, since Ali’s killer, i.e. Ian, has already “confessed.” Later, however, we see him (1) paying Logan WADS OF CASH to leave town, and never talk to Emily, or any of the PLL girls, again . . .
Wow! That’s a lot of Green Stuff! They must pay cops REALLY WELL in Rosewood, which is strange, especially considering how bad they all suck.
. . . and (2) calling Blind Jenna to tell her everything has gone according to plan.
“Hey Baby, what are you wearing?”
“I don’t know. Whatever Toby dressed me in, this morning.”
In all honesty, I think most of us had figured out, long before this episode aired, that Blind Jenna and Police Boy Garrett were the ones who orchestrated the Ian Porn Tape Handoff, last season. But still, it was nice to FINALLY get conclusive evidence that this had occurred. And yet, aside from doing whatever it takes to keep their own relationship a secret, Police Boy Garrett’s and Blind Jenna’s connection to “A” and/or Ali’s murder still remains to be seen . . .
But fear not, my Pretties! Spencer!Emily still has one more sleuthing trick up her sleeve. However, I’m going to save that one for the very end of this recap, just to keep you guessing . . .
Speaking of Emily’s alter-ego / body swapping partner for the week . . .
No Good Deed Goes Unpunished (especially, when you are related to an EVIL WENCH like Crazy Nanny Carrie Melissa)
Coincidentally, this is a photograph of Melissa . . . about two seconds before her head starts spinning around and spewing out green stuff.
Normally known for her Nancy Drew-itus, Spencer was surprisingly Emily-like this week, in that she opted to steer completely clear of “A”-themed drama, in favor of “moving on with her life.” In fact, when Emily first came to her with all her Super Sleuth News, Spencer COMPLETELY BLEW HER OFF!
Unfortunately for Spencer, A had other plans for her snarkiest victim. It all started when Spencer decided to do something nice for her traumatized, but still patently unlikeable, sister, by convincing her parents to give Dead Creepy Zombie Pedo Ian a full-fledged funeral, so that Melissa could get closure on her bizarre romantic relationship with the guy.
Remember this scene . . . where Spencer mistook her own grandmother for a reporter, and called her a Scum-Sucking Bottom Feeder over the phone, possibly giving the Old Lady a heart attack? Good times!
By the way, I always found it a bit strange that Creepy Pedo Ian seemingly had no family, whatsoever. Then again, this fact just confirms my suspicion that he is actually a Devil Spawn.
. . . or an Evil Leprechaun . . .
All this Scum Sucking Bottom Feederness is actually followed up by a very sweet, poignant, and touchingly well-acted moment, in which Spencer’s mother FINALLY apologizes for never believing Spencer about Creepy Pedo Ian being a total sociopath. (Now we’ve just got to wake Mommy up to the fact that her other daughter is a Psychotic Wench . . . baby steps.)
In addition to doing this, Mama Hastings also gets major points for STILL loving Dr. Wren as much as we do, and giving him his only shout-out in the entire episode.
Later, up in her room, Spencer starts looking for wedding rings online (not that Melissa would want to wear that ring NOW).
To her chagrin she learns that Creepy Pedo actually spent a whopping $10 Gs on Melissa’s ring. (The Rosewood school system must pay pretty well, I guess). Even the knock off rings are too rich for Spencer’s blood!
“Hmmm . . . I wonder how much money Toby is going to spend on MY wedding ring, considering I BOUGHT HIM A CAR.”
Always one to add insult to injury, “A” picks this as the opportune moment to drop Spencer a little love text . . .
Note: The word “ring” has TWO meanings . . . 😉
Later in the episode, Melissa does that thing she does every few episodes, in which she pretends to be nice to Spencer, by apologizing for not believing a word she says, turning her own parents against her, and basically torturing her, throughout her ENTIRE existence. But just when Spencer is about to confess her sins to her sister, a phone RINGS, from inside her purse.
Surprise! It’s Ian’s PHONE . . . the one “A’s” been using to send Melissa messages from a Dead Man . . .AND the one “A” slipped into Spencer’s purse at the end of last week’s episode, seemingly for this precise purpose. Now convinced that her own sister totally hates her as much as all the viewers do, Melissa FREAKS OUT, and stomps off, leaving a shocked and saddened Spencer in her wake.
“What’s wrong? Was it something I texted?”
Poor Spencer! She can NEVER WIN . . . well . . . ALMOST never . . .
In that horrifying moment, Emily!Spencer was put to rest, and Sleuthing Spencer came out of retirement . . . possibly for good . . .
Meanwhile, in Hanna-land . . .
From “Eat, Pray, Love” to “Drink, Snap, Slap,” to “Hug, Kiss, Screw?”
When we first see Hanna, Caleb has stopped by her home again to stare at her boobs some more see how she’s been holding up, since the Dead Body Encounter. At first, Hanna is not exactly responsive to Caleb’s obvious affectionate overtures. “One date does not a relationship make,” she lectures.
“OK . . . but how about multiple dates, some almost-shower sex, a few hot breakfast makeout sessions, my taking your virginity in a tent, and my living in your house for weeks, before, finally, telling you I love you. Does that a relationship make?”
Hanna apologizes for her rudeness, and inquires as to whether Caleb has ever seen a dead body before. He tells her that he has. (Something tells ME, there’s a juicy story there . . .) At some point during all this, Hanna’s mom barges in, all freaked out because Hanna has not been answering her cell phone.
In a surprisingly sweet scene, that serves as an excellent parallel to the one I described earlier between Spencer and her mom, Hanna’s mom admits that ever since this whole thing happened with Dead Creepy Pedo Zombie Ian, she has been frantic that something bad would happen to Hanna too (or, at least, something worse than all the awful crap that has already happened). Hanna lies reassures her Mom that the worst is over, and the two share an intensely emotional hug, as Caleb looks on awkwardly at the Tampon Commercial playing out right before his very eyes . . .
In other Mama Marin is Trying to Be a Good Parent news, Mommy Dearest rightly instructed her daughter that a tight slutty little red dress is NOT appropriate funeral attire, no matter how much you despise the Dearly Departed . . . “It’s a funeral, not a Nicki Minaj concert,” Mama Marin quips, earning extra points for actually knowing who Nicki Minaj is . . .
But you don’t really care about Hanna and her Mom, do you? You want to hear more about HALEB! Well, my Pretties, you are in luck, because things are about to get pretty steamy in Haleb town . . .
Not this steamy, mind you . . . but close.
It all starts when Hanna apologizes to Caleb at school for forcing him to be a witness to her and her mother’s “chick flick.” Caleb admits that he envies Hanna’s close relationship with her mother. After all, Caleb’s only relationship with his Foster Mom is when she shows up at Social Services meetings to collect her checks.
Caleb notes that there’s a big difference between “Eat, Pray, Love” and “Drink, Snap, Slap.”
Hanna learns first hand that Caleb is telling the truth about his Evil Miss Hannigan from Annie-type Foster Mom, when she arrives at school, berating him for not making her look “good” at one of their meetings. Thinking fast and rightly assuming that Evil Foster Mom knows precisely NOTHING about fashion, Hanna confronts Evil Foster Mom herself, claiming that if Momsy doesn’t promptly return to Caleb ALL the money she’s been basically stealing from him, Hanna’s mother, who works for the firm of Dolce, Gabbana and Leibowitz (ha ha ha) will sue the Walmart Clearance Rack pants off of her.
“I think I just pooped myself.”
Believe it or not, Caleb’s NotMom, though clearly clever enough to defraud the Foster Care System is also dumb enough to believe Hanna’s lame threat. So, she promptly leaves Caleb a wad of cash before skipping town for good. Recognizing that Hanna is clearly behind all this, Caleb ditches a night watching Goonies with Lucas . . .
Awww Lucas! You really ARE Seth Cohen Reincarnated, aren’t you?
. . . to spend some more time in Hanna’s kitchen eye f*&king her to pieces. And for THIS, Hanna rewards HIM, by cleaning his teeth with her tongue. Ahhhhh, Young Love!
Speaking of . . . well . . . slightly less Young Love . . .
Aria and Fitzy are having a little Heart-to-Heart in his New Swanky College Professor Office, while Fitzy’s Poor Man’s Megan Fox and let’s face it, Megan Fox is already pretty Poor Man, herself ex-fiance lurks outside, sporting a major Puss Face.
Remember that awful movie, Jennifer’s Body, where Megan Fox . . . like ATE people? That’s kind of what I imagine Jackie would like to do to Aria here . . .
Awkwardness ensues when Jackie starts flirtatiously calling Fitzy “Z,” and Fitzy responds by referring to Aria as “My Former Student Who I Occasionally Screw.”