Damon: “So, you’re KLAUS, now? WTF Alaric! I thought we were supposed to bros? Do the words ‘Team Badass’ mean NOTHING to you?”
Alaric: “Ummmm . . . yeah . . . sorry about that. But, hey! At least I won’t be forcing you to hang out with my Boring Ass Girlfriend, anymore!”
Damon: “True . . .”
OK, so remember THIS GUY?
“Dammit Harry Potter! If I was on The Vampire Diaries, they would have made me HOT . . . or, at least, given me a nose.”
Well, then you know how, in the first few Harry Potter books and films, “Big Bad” Voldemort never actually MADE an appearance. He just hypnotized all these random folks to do his bidding, while he skulked around town, in search of a new face. (Honestly, can you BLAME him? I mean LOOK at the guy?)
That’s kind of what Klaus has become on The Vampire Diaries. Everybody talks about him. Some folks even work for him. But nobody seems to actually know what he looks like
unless they read the spoilers.
In related news, Alaric Saltzman has officially become AWESOME once again . . .
He is also randomly sporting a bizarre new voice and accent, that makes him kind of sound like Yoda . . .
“Words . . . I speak. Understand them . . . you will not.”
Oh, and in case I didn’t mention it before, THE LONG HIATUS IS OVER! THE VAMPIRE DIARIES ARE BACK, FOR GOOD!
Let’s get on with that recap, shall we?
Breaking News: Useless Aunt Jenna comes face-to-face with an Evil Vampire . . . and actually DOESN’T invite her inside the house!
There’s a first time for everything!
The episode begins literally right where we left, off a few months back, with Isobel (who’s such a RIDICULOUSLY awful mother, she makes that corpse in the basement at the end of Psycho look positively maternal, by comparison) arriving on Elena’s doorstep. This makes things incredibly awkward for Useless Aunt Jenna, who, in the past few seconds, has just learned the following: (1) her boyfriend’s wife is not quite as DEAD as he made her out to be; (2) that undead b*tch gave birth to Elena; and (3) everybody in Mystic Falls, except for Jenna, herself, already seemed to know this. Needless to say, Jenna has had better days . . .
“Wow, my character hasn’t done this much emoting on screen since . . . well . . . ever!”
Being the “rational and mature” guardian that Useless Aunt Jenna is, she responds to this Unwelcome Home Invasion by . . . throwing a temper tantrum, and disappearing for the rest of the episode. (You’ve really gotta love all the stellar examples of parenting on this show. It’s no wonder, everybody runs around, throwing eachother into walls, and biting one another! It’s like Lord of the Flies on this show!)
“SNIFF . . . now, I’m never going to get to see Alaric’s Chunky Monkey AGAIN!”
Speaking of Alaric, he stopped by the Gilbert House to (1) apologize to Useless Aunt Jenna for being a Terrible Boyfriend . . . and (2) to do something us TVD Fans have been wanting to do, ourselves, since Season 1 . . . PUNCH Uncle / Father John in the FACE!
An image that has resulted in the destruction of many television screens . . . due to objects being thrown at them . . .
Meanwhile, over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome . . .
Kat Plays for Both Teams (in more ways than one)
Katherine tells the Salvatore Brothers that, despite having played for Team Smug Asshole (a.k.a. Isobel and Uncle / Father John) for the past few episodes, she is now “TOTALLY” batting for our Salvatore Scooby Gang. The CunningVamp promises to do whatever it takes to help those Sexy Salvatores save Elena, so long as that means offing Santa Klaus. Of course, no matter how many times Katherine dances around the living room, like a girl
who really has to peepreparing for a strip tease, neither vampire brother particularly seems to trust her.
As it turns out, the brothers’ suspicions are well-founded! Just a few scenes later, we find Kat encountering Isobel at the “Safe House” the latter supposedly purchased for Elena. (“It’s the nicest foreclosure on the block,” Isobel notes proudly, in TVD’s first ever, Timely Recession Reference.)
At first, Kat attacks Isobel, by . . . throwing her up against the wall. SURPRISE! (I’m beginning to think this is some form of Bizarre Vampire Greeting, considering how often it’s done on the show.) Soon after, the pair are being all flirty and seductive with eachother. There’s definitely this odd sapphic chemistry between them. In fact, watching Katherine and Isobel interact, I can’t help but wonder if these two have ever “known one another in the biblical sense,” if you catch my drift . . .
“Yeah, thanks for giving me Crabs, last time you were here! That was fun!”
The other odd thing I noticed about Isobel, is that, ever since she’s returned to Mystic Falls, she has lost all emotional affect in her voice. Every line she utters is delivered in this painfully dull monotone
kind of like James Franco hosting the Oscars. Of course, in hindsight, this noticeable change in Isobel’s personality (assuming she has one!) actually makes a lot of sense to her character’s particular plotline. But initially, I must admit, I attributed it to bad acting. (Sorry Mia Kirshner!)
“Don’t worry, I ain’t mad at ya! (I’ll just eat you in your sleep.)”
While Isobel and Katherine chat, we learn that Katherine, at Isobel’s urging, is actually planning to cut some kind of deal with Klaus, in which her own life will be spared, in return for her turning over to him the Moonstone . . . and Elena.
(We also learn that Isobel has a nickname for Useless Aunt Jenna . . . “Auntie Vanilla “. . . I like it . . . but I still think “Useless Aunt Jenna” is better. Just sayin’!)
Later, while Damon and Stefan are out playing Save Elena Games, Katherine begins ransacking La Casa de Rich and Awesome, in search of the Mysterious Moonstone. Of course, she’s not averse to helping herself to a few of the boys’ OTHER possessions, while she’s looking . . .
After searching nearly the entire house, Kat heads to the bathroom to wash her hands. It is there that she locates the Moonstone, which has been hidden by Damon (who always said the darn thing looked like “soap, “anyway) in the Biggest Soap Dish Ever!
Now, I know a lot of TVD viewers out there were understandably annoyed at the USUALLY brilliant Damon, for picking such a seemingly lame hiding place for such an important object. Many of you might have even wondered why Damon, an admittedly “manly man” keeps so many Fancy Girly Hand Soaps in his bathroom, in the first place! The answer to the second inquiry is quite simple, actually: Damon REALLY likes getting clean . . .
As for why Damon chose the Soap Dish as the Moonstone’s Hiding Place, I’d have to say, the writers “compelled” him to do it, as a gift to US! Because, think about it, had Damon NOT hidden the Moonstone in the soap dish, we would not have been treated to THIS . . .
“GRRRRR . . . Wearing clothing makes me SO MAD!”
Or this . . .
“GRRR . . . Girly Soaps make me SO MAD!”
I rest my case. Speaking of the Sexiest Salvatore. . .
Damon meets the ONLY women on the PLANET who don’t want him in their house! (Of course, they are DEAD . . . and have no taste.)
Just so you know, Damon . . . MY DOOR is ALWAYS OPEN!
Damon spends a large chunk of the episode hanging out with Witchy Bonnie and Mini Gilbert.
NOOOOOOO! Hang out with ELENA, DAMON! YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE HANGING OUT WITH ELENA!
A witch, a vampire, and a Gilbert walk into a house . . . I think I once heard a really bad joke that started like this . . .
You see, through his many years of trying to rescue Katherine from the tomb she wasn’t in . . . , Damon learned the location of the house where all the Mystic Falls witches were burned alive, back in 1864. If Bonnie can harness the power of these witches, she can kill Klaus. So, Bonnie, Jeremy and Damon, pick up a spell book from a probably VERY RANK- smelling Jonas’ house . . .
(BTW, I love how DEAD LUKA has been rotting away on the floor of that apartment for MONTHS, and nobody seems to care!)
. . . and head to the all-powerful Witch Burning Site.
“Hi, honeys . . . we’re HOME!”
As it turns out, three is DEFINITELY a crowd, at the Dead Witch Bed and Breakfast. And soon after Damon enters the house, strange things start happening to him. (Unfortunately, none of those “strange things” involve his clothing magically disappearing from his body.)
First, Damon finds himself glued to the floor. Then, his Sunscreen Ring suddenly stops working, and he gets the WORST SUNBURN EVER! Wisely, Damon decides to leave the house before things get “too intense.”
Alone in Witchland, Bonnie and Jeremy start preparing to perform the “I see dead people . . . and take all their powers” spell. While Bonnie mumbles and chants gibberish, the witches start whispering something in her ear.
“Pssst, you’re boyfriend is REALLY HOT. Think he’d mind if we all had Hot Invisible Poltergeist Sex with him?”
Of course, Nosy Jeremy wants to know what the witches are saying, but Bonnie won’t tell him (
which means she probably agreed to the Hot Poltergeist Sex Thing). Suddenly, Bonnie is screaming in pain. And Jeremy gets ghost f*&ked thrown into a wall for the 85,000th time this season . . .
“I’m starting to think that the universe is trying to tell me something . . .”
Then, it’s all over. And Bonnie and Jeremy celebrate, by making out again . . .
Outside, the house, Bonnie shows off her newfound witchy powers, by making Mystic Falls have Really Bad Weather for 15 seconds . . .
I would have made myself a Super Model / Lottery Winner, instead . . . but that’s just me.
After doing some research, Jeremy learns that using all those witchy powers necessary to kill Klaus, will result in Bonnie’s death as well . . .
“ANOTHER Dead Girlfriend? Are you friggin kidding me, with this? That’s IT! Next season, I’m totally turning gay!”
Speaking of soon-to-be-dead folks . . .
Isobel’s Big Plan
While in town, Isobel confronts Alaric, tells him how much she used to love him . . . and has her Massively Large Warlock Body Guard, Jedi Mind Trick him into unconsciousness. (Did you ever notice how EVERY vampire has their own witch on this show? The Salvatores have Bonnie. Elijah had Jonas. Klaus has this nameless Sumo Warlock. Is there some sort of a Witches R’ Us store in Mystic Falls that I don’t know about?)
Isobel then heads to the Lockwood Mansion, where Elena is accepting some random award on behalf of her OTHER Dead Mom. Once there, Izzie seemingly kills Uncle / Father John, by biting him in the neck and tossing him down a flight of steps. (Geez, punched in the face, bitten, AND thrown down steps. It’s not really this guy’s episode, is it?)
“At least I got to keep
my balls all my fingers, this time!”
While, the crowd is tending to Uncle / Father John . . .
Katherine is “tending to” Elena . . .
Moments later, Stefan finds “Elena,” and takes her out of the mansion. The problem is, The REAL Elena is gone!
When Stefan finally figures out what has happened, Katherine, looking remarkably like Elena, stabs Stefan with a syringe (filled with what exactly? It was never explained . . ) and tosses him into her “bush.” Sexual symbolism abounds . . .
And in this moment, Delena fans across the world, simultaneously updated their Tumblrs and Facebook pages, with the best thing that has happened to their SHIP (at least symbolically), since Damon told Elena he loved her in “Rose.”
Then Damon magically appears!
After assuring the masses at La Casa de Lockwood that Uncle / Father John is
unfortunately not dead yet, Damon proceeds to entertain them, by performing a Ventroliquist and Dummy Act with Elena’s Bio Dad’s limp body . . .
“Now, watch me make him dance!”
Back at The Nicest Foreclosure in Town, Katherine gets . . . kidnapped by . . . Sumo Warlock?
Meanwhile, Isobel drives an unconscious Elena to a grave site, that I had assumed would be for Elena’s adopted parents, but was actually Isobel’s own . . .
Isobel explains to Elena how no one is actually buried there (DUH!). However, a part of Isobel really did die, when she became a vampire. Isobel wistfully wishes that Elena got to meet the nice (probably dull) Isobel, who studied supernatural things, regularly boned Alaric, not to mention Uncle / Father John (Maybe she wasn’t so dull, after all!), and genuinely loved her
bastard child daughter. Then, Isobel gets a call from Sumo Warlock. He tells Isobel, that her “job” is done, and Elena is free to go!
Wait . . . huh?
Apparently, Klaus compelled Isobel to do ALL the evil crap she did during this episode!
OK . . . so let me get this straight . . . Klaus compelled Isobel to (1) get Katherine to find the Moonstone; (2) have Alaric kidnapped; (3) push John down the steps; (4) kidnap Elena; AND (5) betray Katherine, so that SHE could get kidnapped, while carrying the Moonstone.
(Does being compelled give you, like, Super Human Memory or something? Because that seems like a WHOLE LOT to remember to do . . . even for a non-Hypnotized Zombie Type . . .)
But at least now we know why Isobel seems to have lost her ability to emote, since last season! She’s been a Klaus’ Toy Robot this entire episode!
Speaking of rotting and decayed flesh, Isobel tells Elena that she’s “sorry she was such a disappointment to [her].” The vampiress then rips off her Sunscreen Necklace (I thought they only came in rings!) and “tragically” meets the sun, a la Godric in True Blood. The difference, of course, is that Godric made killing yourself, look pretty darn awesome, while Isobel, quite honestly, looked a bit rough, during her Dramatic Death Scene . . .)
Oh, HONEY! You really need to moisturize!
“Isobel Fleming . . . consider yourself OWNED!”
Sayonara, Mama Isobel! It’s been . . . REAL . . . interesting.
(For those of you keeping score, Elena has now experienced, FIRSTHAND, the death of THREE PARENTS! How many YEARS of therapy, do you think it’s going to take to erase THAT?)
Meanwhile, in Not-So-Clueless-Anymore Matt News . . .
And you thought TYLER did Caroline dirty! (a.k.a The Forwood is MUCH BETTER than Caratt Plotline)
“I have three things to tell you, Mama Forbes. (1) I think your daughter is an Evil Bloodsucking Vampire; (2) she probably killed my Slutty Sister; (3) I’m SUPER hot for Cougars in Uniform . . .”
So, throughout most of the episode, Poor Caroline is trying to get in touch with Matt, who has been avoiding her, ever since she SAVED HIS LIFE at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls. (Way to be grateful, DOUCHE!) When Caroline, inappropriately, asks Tyler’s mom, where Matt might be, the latter reminds Caroline that HER SON, TYLER is also missing, and that
Forwood belong together, so Caroline should really get her priorities straight!
(Oh, by the way, how weird is it that Snooty Mama Lockwood is officially, by default, the BEST MOM ON THIS SHOW?)
Outside, the Lockwood Mansion, Matt accosts Caroline’s mom, with crazy talk of vampires and supernatural beings having something to do with the death of his sister. Later, Matt arrives at Caroline’s house, with some
BIG FAT LIE story about Mama Forbes bringing him there to “cool down.” after his “outburst.” Matt’s Big Monologue about how alone he feels, being the only Clueless Human in a clearly Supernatural World . . .
. . . is remarkably reminiscent of Tyler’s admission to Caroline (which also took place at her house) about how alone he felt, having to cope with the Werewolf Curse, all by himself . . .
Except . . . you know . . . Tyler’s speeched rocked, and Matt’s . . . well . . . didn’t.
Anywhoo . . . Matt claims that he wants to know everything about Vicki’s death, and what’s going on in Mystic Falls. So, Caroline gives him these . . .
Just kidding! But Caroline REALLY does seem to have told Matt everything that’s been happening on the show, at least, everything that has happened since she became
totally awesome a vampire. (I wonder how long THAT took!)
Then, Cry Baby Matt tells Caroline that he’d rather not know all this Scary Stuff. WUSS! So, he asks Caroline to compel him to forget everything he just BEGGED her to tell him, moments earlier. (Way to WASTE CAROLINE’S TIME, MATT DONVA$$HOLE!) Reluctantly, Caroline obliges . . .
“Don’t worry, Matt. Vampires and werewolves don’t really exist . . . And Santa Claus is real . . . and so is the Tooth Fairy . . . and the Easter Bunny. Also, there is no war, or poverty, or hunger. The world is a Perfect Place.”
The Big Twist comes just seconds later, when Matt hops into . . . Mama Forbes car and
starts boning her reveals everything. “I did what you said. I drank that vervain stuff, got [Caroline] to tell me everything, and then told her to make me forget it. I think she DIED,” Matt whines to Caroline’s mom. Caroline’s mom tearfully agrees . . .
Well YEAH, GENIUSES! She DID die! That’s what makes her a VAMMMM-PIRRRRRRE!
Honestly, I don’t know who made me madder in this scene: (1) Matt, for manipulating Caroline, and then (AFTER hearing her obviously HEARTFELT, and extremely guilt-ridden, confession about what’s been going on in Mystic Falls) STILL not believing her to be the same sweet girl he supposedly fell in love with not too long ago . . . just because she happens to drink a little blood, every once in a while . . .
“That’s SO racist!”
. . . or (2) Caroline’s OWN mother, for so easily thinking the worst of her daughter, just on the say-so of Some Dumb Kid She Used to Date.
You know, what? Why choose? Here’s what I have to say to BOTH of them!
Come back soon, Tyler! Your girl, Caroline, NEEDS YOU!
In MUCH Nicer Boy News . . .
Team Salvatore FOR THE WIN (for now . . .)!
How’s this for a rockin’ present? Upon realizing that EVERY BAD GUY IN THE WORLD has access to the Gilbert home (Thanks, AUNT JENNA!), and that Elena needs a place where she can be safe, Damon and Stefan decide to DEED LA CASA DE RICH AND AWESOME OVER TO HER . . . OMG! They gave her an ENTIRE MANSION! Holy CRAP!
Later, the two brothers bond over booze, and the knowledge that, because THEY are the only ones who know that Bonnie has her witchy powers back, she is literally their Secret Weapon to Kill Klaus . . .
Speaking of Klaus, Katherine wakes up on the floor of Sumo Warlock’s hideaway to hear him performing weird creepy chants over an unconscious Alaric’s head. Then, “Alaric” wakes up . . . and he’s got this disturbingly evil look in his eyes, which makes me think Sumo Dude programmed him to be some Mindless Killing Machine. But Nu-Alaric is something WAY COOLER THAN THAT!
“Lovely Katarina. I’ve missed you,” he warbles in that weird new accent of his.
“Klaus?” A dumbfounded, and clearly terrified, Katherine replies. (And . . . that’s when I peed my pants . . .)
Next week’s episode promises a WHOLE LOT MORE AlarKlaus, not to mention some funky costumes, and a TON of DELENA DANCING!
You can check out the kick ass extended promo for “The Last Dance” here:
Is it Thursday yet? 8)