Jar of My Tears – A Recap of New Girl’s “Backslide”

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I actually find this really impressive, Nick.  My tears always evaporate or my face, or fall into my lap, before I can manage to put them in a jar. What you did takes real dedication!  (Now, go  take a shower, and get a haircut.)

Backsliding . . . falling off the wagon . . . relapsing . . . engaging in self-destructive behavior . . . being BAAAAAAAD.  We’ve all done it before.  And, I hate to say it, but we’re all going to do it again, sooner or later.  We’re human.  And it’s natural to fall back on bad habits, return to bad relationships, and make the same mistakes over and over again.

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Deep down we know it’s bad for us.  But it just feel soooooo good, when it’s happening, that sometimes, it’s just too hard to resist.

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That’s really what this episode of New Girl was about . . . all the bad decisions we make when we are lonely, horny, have had too much to drink, or are suffering from a broken penis heart.

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Let’s review shall we . . .

The River of Self Pity

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Poor Jess!  Dumping Russell sure brought out the emo chick in her . . . with her big glasses, and and her, make-you-wanna-slit-your-wrist depressing music, playing on endless loop throughout the night, and her being curled up in a ball in her pajamas making Pouty Face all day!  (See, Nick and Jess NEED to be together!  They even cope with breakups in the same ridiculously melodramatic way.)

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Question:  When you are the DUMPER in the relationship, do you earn the right to your Melodramatic Depression, in the way that the DUMPEE does?  I’m saying, if the DUMPEE didn’t like . . . cheat on you . . . or something.

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Because I’m going to go out on a limb, and say “no.”  I think when you find the courage to get out of a relationship, for no other reason than the fact that being in it doesn’t make you happy, you should be doing this . . .

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Or this . . .

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(Sadly, watching this clip made me realize that this is exactly how I look when I dance.)

 Not this . . .

This, I think, is why Jess’ roommates were a lot less supportive of her moping, than, perhaps, they would have been otherwise.  Take, for example, Winston’s “cheery” remarks about The Soundtrack of Jess’ Discontent . . .

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Or Schmidt’s remark when she finally turned off the music . . . “No . . . wait!  Turn it back on!  After 80 times, I finally get it!  It’s . . . A RIVER!”

Oh, but Nick was the worst offender by far!  Literally dancing your new-old girlfriend around in front of the girl who’s, not only nursing a broken heart, but, quite obviously  in love with you, is cold man . . . just cold.

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But hey!  It was YOUR obnoxious antics that finally managed to get Jess out of the house!  So, way to go, Nick I LOVE YOU! you sexy sneaky bastard you!

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“Take off your skis, and wait for your family in the lodge!”

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 Later, at That Random Bar Where Nick Works (which I’m starting to think is the New Girl equivalent of TVD’s Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls) . . .

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Schmidt explains to Jess the dangers of “Backsliding,” and hides her Bunny-Shaped cell phone, so she doesn’t drunk dial Russell in a moment of weakness.  What Schmidt doesn’t count on, is Jess having a run-in with Nick Miller, Backslider Extraordinaire.  He explains that terrible, emotionally abusive, relationships CAN be magically turned into good and healthy ones!  It’s just a matter of timing . . .

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Don’t listen to him, Jess.  He doesn’t realize he’s madly in love with you yet. He knows not what he says!

But it’s too late.  The Seeds of Backslide have already been planted in Jess’ fertile mind . . .

Next thing you know, Jess has managed to retrieve her phone from Schmidt’s coat.  She makes That Call . . .

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But it’s not to who you think . . . She’s going to call Nick, right? Please let it be Nick.  Oh . . . wait . . . Nick is still in the bar.  Damn!

The Tale of the Slow Motion Sneeze 

So, you guys remember Paul?  You know, the guy who dressed like a gourd . . . and who Jess started dating during the Thanksgiving episode?  The one she had really bad sex with . . . who Nick was super jealous of hated . . . who broke up with Jess when he realized she didn’t love him yet . . . even though they’d only been dating for a few weeks, when it happened?  Yeah . . . he’s back.  That’s a wayyyy bigger backslide than returning Russell, don’t you think?

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Oh, and here’s another thing you probably didn’t know about Paul.  He’s a really ugly crier.  You know, kind of like this guy . . .

And this one . . .

Jess describes Paul’s crying as a cry-smile, and a “slow motion sneeze.”  In a moment, you will see why . . .

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Here’s my question.  Weren’t Jess and Paul only actually dating for a few weeks?  What the heck did she do to him to make him cry so much in that short amount of time?  Did she beat him repeatedly with sharp objects?  Did she try to extract his teeth from his mouth, while he was sleeping?  Because, I’m thinking this relationship had WAY worse problems than just bad sex, and rushed “I love yous.”  Just saying . . .

 Despite the obvious warning signs, Nick’s jumping headfirst into a repeat doomed-to-fail relationship with Caroline, seems to make Jess more determined than ever to couple up with Paul again.  She rushes to his classroom to tell him as much.  And it’s there that Paul reveals HIS deep dark secret . . . He has a serious girlfriend . . . one who kind of/sort of looks like an Asian-version of Jess .  . . complete with Minnie Mouse-style clothing, emo glasses, and some seriously thick bangs . . .

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Moral-to-a-fault, Jess initially seems determined to rat Paul out to her Asian Alter Ego.  But Paul ends up beating her to the punch.  And it’s at that moment that we learn that Asian Jess is also an incredibly Ugly Crier.  Clearly, this is a match made in adorkable Heaven.  Jess knows “true love” when she sees it except when it comes to her and Nick.  And she’s not about to let it pass by her ex . . .

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Jess even goes as far as to help Paul propose to her Asian self . . .  right there in the classroom . . . minutes after the chick found out she was cheated on.  It was the most awkward .  . . awful . . . proposal ever . . . and yet so very Paul.  Asian Jess said yes! Some kid in the class played here comes the bride on his clarinet .  . . It was beautiful.

OK . . . not really.  But it did cause Jess to have an epiphany about love, and why it’s important not to settle for a relationship that, deep down, you know, will fail.  When a relationship is right for you, you’ll know it, as soon as you’re in it!  (At least that’s how it works on TV!)

Jess rushes home.  She can’t wait to share her new wisdom with Nick so that she can stop him mid-backslide.  But will he listen?

“Summer’s Day is not a B*tch!”

 How very Clockwork Orange of you!

Speaking of jumping into things wayyyyy too fast, in the course of a single episode,  Nick has gone from seducing Caroline in his bedroom with incense and the song “Sentimental Reasons” to contemplating moving in with the chick . . .

Serious times call for serious measures.   So Winston and Schmidt stage an intervention, literally holding his eyes open, and forcing him to watch a video he made of himself, back during his last breakup with Caroline.  It was a dark time for Nick . . . He looked like Jesus . . .

 . . . if Jesus was a homeless crazy person.  He wouldn’t leave his couch.  And spent his days collecting his own tears, and writing Caroline poems . . . like this one . . .

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That’s beautiful, Nick!  Shakespeare couldn’t have said it better himself. 

Any sane person would have taken one look at the video, and gone running from that relationship, as fast as their legs could carry them.  But not Nick.  The allure of sandwiches, sex, and not being alone was just too powerful for him . . .

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He knows what he has to do . . .

In slightly less depressing news . . .

“Emotional intimacy turns you on?”

Cece decides to take Schmidt and his Broken Penis to the one place where he can’t possibly become aroused . . . an old age home.

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It’s there that Schmidt meets Cece’s Granny, who has something important to tell him about the state of their current relationship . . .

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But there’s just something about seeing Schmidt conversing with all these old people about how to make relationships work that warms the cockles of Cece’s heart.  (Personally, I’ve never really understood that phrase.  What the heck are “cockles,” anyway?  They sound dirty.)  She tells Schmidt that, for the first time in her life, she wants to be in a real relationship.  And she wants to be in one with him . . .

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Annnnnnnd then he screams in agony, and passes out from the pain.

Apparently, all this healthy, happy, talk of love and long-term relationships was just too much for poor Schmidt’s crooked knotted wizard staff of a weiner to take.

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Oh Schmidt.  You really are a woman, aren’t you?  Then again, that’s why we love you . . .

“Captain Black Sparrow.”

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Attention:  We interrupt this recap for a segment during which I do nothing but share gifs that make fun of Winston’s perpetually expanding in size, and increasingly ridiculous earring . . . (Thank, i-heart-vampire-series.tumblr for all the great Winston gifs below.)

 

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We now return to your regularly scheduled recap . . .

“You deserve love.”

Do you like a little romance, and unrequited angst with your comedy?

We’ve got some of that!  Things actually start out really promising.  It’s the end of the episode.  Jess has just had her epiphany about true love, and not having to settle for less.  She rushes to tell future soul mate Nick all about it, and finds him fresh out of the shower, looking all nakey and hot  . . .

It’s enough to get any girl flustered.  Fortunately, Jess has her speech pre-prepared.  And it’s a good one . . . complete with it’s very own Tom Waits impersonation.  (Though, to be honest.  I don’t know who Tom Waits is . . . never heard him speak . .. and thought she sounded more like the Cookie Monster.)    Jess tells Nick that he’s wrong about love and timing.  She tells him that when love is real, and right.  It’s right all the time.

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She tells him she loves him thinks he’s the best, and that he doesn’t have to settle.

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She says all the right things.  And she says them, while looking deeply into eyes and naked chest with such intensity and passion, that Nick can’t possibly do anything else but grab her  face and kiss her, right?

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Except he doesn’t . . . instead he tells her he signed the lease to move in with Caroline that morning.  And then . . . he just . . . leaves.

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But hey, it’s not over until Jess sings her final theme song of the season, right?  We’ve still got one more episode left!

Next week, in “See Ya,” the New Girl Season Finale, Jess and Nick almost get eaten by a coyote . . .

Horny the Coyote approves! 

Roll the clip, Maestro . . .

Until next time, New Girlians!

[juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

The Passion of the Jess – A Recap of New Girl’s “Tomatoes”

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Ahhh . . . Russell, a.k.a. the Fancyman . . .

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Ever since the character started dating Jess, a few weeks back, we all pretty much suspected that he wouldn’t be long for this series.

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(Well . . . almost all of us.)

I mean, sure, he seemed nice enough.  He had a good job . . . lots of cash.

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The dude had a real talent for shot-gunning beer, and playing True American.

He even had the Nick Miller Stamp of Approval, something neither of Jess’ previous beaus on the show managed to obtain.

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And yet, there was just something about Russell’s and Jess’ relationship that was . . . how do I put this kindly . . . REALLY, REALLY BORING.

Given that, it’s not surprising that many New Girl fans (Nick and Jess shippers, in particular) have spent the last few weeks trying to predict what Unforgivable Faux Pas would chime the death knell for this particular relationship.

Would Russell say the dreaded “I love you,” too early, like Paul?  Would he buy Jess a cactus, like Julia did for Nick?  Would he cheat on Jess, like Spencer?

As it turns out, Russell’s downfall was much simpler than that.  And it all boiled down to one simple word . . . passion.

Though difficult to describe, passion is a surprisingly easy thing to see.  Either you have it . . .

.  . . or you don’t.

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In essence, that was what “Tomatoes” was all about . . . passion . . .and tomatoes . . . and Schmidt’s weiner . . .

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Let’s review, shall we?

Sowing the Seeds of a Brighter Tomorow

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The episode began with Nick swearing off women . . . for approximately ten minutes . . . opting instead to shower affection on something a bit less likely to break his heart and/or get him convicted of statutory rape and/or get him a VD . . . namely, tomatoes.  Yes, Nick was very serious about his tomatoes this week . . .  so serious, in fact, that he even built them their very own scarecrow . . . which he subsequently murdered . . .

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(By the way, if Martin Scorcese ever actually directed a remake of The Wizard of Oz, it would totally win an Oscar . . . just sayin’.)

 . . . but that’s neither here nor there.

As a Prospective Parent of Tomatoes, Nick was a doting, if unorthodox, father . . . one who ascribed to the Alicia Silverstone School of Child Nourishment.

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I don’t know about you, but I personally always enjoy a little backwash in my salad.

Unfortunately, for Nick, his friends were being less than supportive of his new endeavor . . . well, except for Jess, of course . . . who, in a sense, functioned as the Working Tomato Mom, to Nick’s stay at home dad.

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“You like my personality?”

Meanwhile, Cece and Schmidt were busy trying desperately to pretend that they were “just not that into one another.”

Ultimately, this extended game of foreplay resulted in Schmidt boning Cece’s German roommate, Nadia, who admitted to liking his face so much, she wanted to “punch, punch, punch” it.

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It was a match made in Heaven . . . or Fight Club, whichever you prefer.

Violent tendencies aside, here are some other things you should know about Cece’s roommate, and the things she likes  . . . (just in case you have any interest in “sexing her in the face” later . . . or something)

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Did I mention that she’s a violent jungle predator in the sack . . . her vajayjay may actually have a right angle in it, and that she turned Schmidt’s weiner into a battered highway cone?

Now, THAT’S a scene I would have liked to have seen . . .

But hey, if it got these two crazy kids to finally admit their feelings for one another, it was all worth it, right?

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Speaking of love, sex, and MAN PAIN IN YOUR PANTS  . . .

“Even if it’s harder and hurts more.” 

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*giggle snort*  “She said she wants it harder . . . That’s dirty!”

After an awkward naked hug with Russell’s ex wife Ouli in the local gym sauna (Personally, I never understood those women  — usually older women — who walk around gym locker rooms just gleefully flaunting their “wares” for all to see.  What’s up with that?  Is body self-consciousness something that just dies when you hit middle age?)

. . .  Ouli’s boobs hypnotize Jess, causing her to invite her along on a dinner date with her and Russell.  When Jess tells her boys about what she’s done, Nick gets this secretly happy glint in his eyes, recognizing that there might actually be some trouble in Fancy Man Paradise.

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Oh honey, you aren’t fooling ANYONE!

Jess isn’t worried, though.  She has this situation under control.  She’s great at dealing with awkward situations . . . and by great, I mean she tap dances to the song “Surrender,” and sings off key, whenever people around her are fighting.

At the Mexican restaurant, Russell, who’s barely changed his facial expression once, the entire time he he’s been with Jess . . .

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 . . . suddenly looks like he wants to ravage Ouli right there on top of the Nacho basket, as the two fight about something ridiculous . . . like donkeys, or getting lost on vacation .  . . or Ouli’s uber annoying habit of lisping authentic Southern Spain style, whenever she speaks in Spanish.

“Threesome, anyone?”

Jess is horrified, and yet just a little bit turned on.  Suddenly, she’s determined to evoke in Erstwhile Boringman Russell, the sex stud she briefly witnessed over her dinner of fajitas, margaritas, and Ouli.  (And yes, it did inspire her tap dance and sing “Surrender” in public restaurant.  Poor girl.)  During a decidedly boring date, during which Jess graded papers, and Russell did . . . well, whatever, rich people do during their spare time . . .probably count their money, or something . . .

. . .  Jess tried desperately to get Russell passionate about HER.

She starts simple, by saying think, over and over again, accenting the “K.”  Then she squats, and does her scary pop out eye thing in his face.  But when she tries to ravage him, right there on the couch, she totally isn’t having it.  “You hurt my teeth, Jess,” he whines.

Long story short, Russell gets dumped for failing to bring the passion.  YAYYYYY!  WOO- HOO!  YIPPEE!  What a shame!

“I want what you have with Ouli . . . even if it’s harder and hurts more,” she explains dejectedly, as she leaves his death trap of a car . . .”

Hasta la vista, Rusty.  You weren’t the first of Jess’ Non-Nick boyfriends.  And, unfortunately, you probably won’t be the last, either . . .

Elsewhere, Nick is failing miserably at Plant Parenthood.  And he’s taking all his anger out on Winston . . . he of the nauseatingly sweet “healthy relationship” he just won’t shut up about.  I feel your pain, Nick.  Happy people are THE WORST, especially, happy people in relationships.  They should just go hang out on another planet from the rest of us, as far as I’m concerned.

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That said, you know what made ME happy?  The last scene of this episode.  (Well, second to last, if you count that post credits roll of Schmidt and Winston gluing store bought tomatoes on Nick’s poor dying plant . . . He really shouldn’t have murdered that scarecrow.)

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Jess returns to the apartment after her last date with Russell, feeling miserable, dejected, and angry at the world.  And just when she wants to curl up in a ball in her room and die, out pops Nick in his sexy blue boxers, and white tee.  The sound of old timey music, and the scent of nauseating incense waft out of his room . . . i.e. the telltale signs of a seduction scene orchestrated by a guy who, mentally and emotionally, never really left college.

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I’d like to tell you it was all planned for Jess, but it wasn’t.

Because standing next to Nick is Caroline, wearing the telltale flannel, and smelling like sex . . . Nick Sex.  Jess is in a very vulnerable place right now.  She’s lonely, jealous, and frustrated.  And there, standing in front of her is her roommate, who’s about to make the biggest mistake of his life . . . with someone who is not her.

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Nick, of course, knows none of this.  He’s just happy to be screwing a girl who’s old enough to drink.  And Jess’ angry accusations and judgments are irking him, as much as they are secretly turning him on.  What unfolds in the next two minutes, is the most intense, awkward,  sexy, ridiculous, booty-shaking, fight-until-you-almost kiss-but-don’t-actually-kiss-because-we’re-probably-saving-that-for-the-season-finale-or-something moment I have ever witnessed in my LOOOOONG television history.

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Seriously, the sexual tension between these two was emanating from my television screen in waves that were so strong, I might have become unintentionally impregnated by their sheer force.  Jess, you wanted true passion, that’s HARD and HURTS (hint, hint, wink, wink).  Well, you got it, honey!

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Now, if we could just get that spare guest star girlfriend out of the way . . .

Until next time, New Girlians!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Ten (and a Half) Things I Learned from This Week’s Episode of New Girl, Entitled “Normal”

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Who said television can’t be educational?

 This week on New Girl, Jess brought her new Silver Fox boyfriend, Russell, into the fold, by  letting him play with her Nick . . .

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Also, Winston got a new job.  And Schmidt  . . . um . . . got laid some more . . .

But this isn’t a recap.  It’s a “teaching post.”  So . . . let’s get down to learning, shall we?

(And don’t worry.  I promise there won’t be a quiz, afterwards . . .)

Lesson Number One: A corn holder (So, THAT’s what those things are called that hold your corn!  Clever!) can double as a Gentleman’s Shiv!  Talk about getting a good bang for your buck!

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Lesson Number Two:  Is your sink or toilet bowl acting up?  Just stick a bat in it.  And hit that bat with a frying pan.  Works like a charm!

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Yeah . . . because THAT doesn’t look phallic at all . . .

Speaking of phallic . . .

Lesson Number Three: Putting your balls in someone’s milkshake is apparently a “Guy Thing” that I wouldn’t understand . . .

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(possibly because I lack balls . . .

. . . and am occasionally lactose intolerant.)

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Lesson Number 3 and 1/2:  I guess I should probably take “typing” off of MY resume . . .

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What about “blogging,” guys?  Is that still cool?

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Wait . . . don’t answer that . . .

Lesson Number Four:  Nick has an Idea Book, which he really hopes no one will ever steal.  *clears throat, winks suggestively*

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Lesson Number Five: In other Nick Miller News – 1/8^th Cherokee . . . who knew?

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He’s my TV Boyfriend.  I NEED to know these things, OK?

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Lesson Number Six: Apparently, there’s this amazing new drinking game out there called True American.  And now, I know how to play it.  (Actually, New Girl didn’t really teach me how to play this game.  But the lovely folks who took the time to write the rules down on Wikipedia did!)

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Lesson Number Seven:  This is REALLY the most surefire way to win True American.  (But it’s probably more fun for the loser than for you . . .)

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Of course, with any luck, you’ll be too drunk to care . . .

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Lesson Number Eight: When Kareem Abdul Jabbar fears for your life, you should be afraid .  . . VERY afraid.

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And NO, he will not let you sit on his shoulders . . . (no matter how politely you ask).

Lesson Number Nine:  This one is for all you guys out there.  I’m looking at YOU, Nick Miller.  If you want to be Jess’ lover, you have to get with her friends.  (And, yes, that IS a Spice Girls song.)

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And finally . . . (drumroll please)

Lesson Number Ten: Who needs Vacation Days, when you can have Sexcation ones?

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And there you have it . . . Ten and a Half things I learned from this week’s episode of New Girl.  Wow . . . shortest . . . post . . . ever.

Consider yourself SCHOOLED!

Until next time, my fellow New Girlians!

 

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Pride and Prejud-Jess – An Animated Mini-cap of New Girl’s “Fancyman, Part 1”

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(I suspect Elizabeth Bennett would agree with this statement.)

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I tend not to recap sitcoms.  I just find it kind of difficult to say something uniquely “witty and amusing” about a show, whose main purpose is to be “witty and amusing.”  In short, sitcoms are usually funnier than I am.  And that makes me feel inferior . . .

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However, lately I’ve come to develop a bit of an obsession with television character, Nick Miller (MARRY ME, NICK MILLER!) the sitcom New Girl.  The show is surprisingly smart and quirky, in an oddly relatable way.  Every episode is chock full of compulsively quotable one liners.

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Also, the entire cast has great chemistry with one another.  And the relationships between the show’s main characters are captivating and fun to watch . . .

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OK . . . OK . . . So, maybe there is one relationship on the show in which I’m just a teensy weensy bit more invested than the others.  I’m a girl.  SUE ME!

Therefore, without further adieu, I proudly present to you a “recap” of this week’s episode of New Girl, in which I shameless mooch off the gif-making abilities of others, and include very little of my own original content. . . .

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Poor Nick!  He can’t get a new cell phone, because he weighs more than his credit score.  (By the way, I didn’t know the cell phone company actually checked your credit score.  This makes me feel a little violated.   It also makes me think that Nick would be great in those FreeCreditReport.Com commercials .  . . you know, the ones with the scruffy, but oddly hot guy, with the bad credit score, who lives with his mom, plays the banjo, and sometimes dresses up in a pirate costume . . .)

Nick’s misfortune is apparently a source of great amusement to the Good Folks at Verizon, who tease him mercilessly.  You know, because people who sell cell phones for a living are always Bastions of Conservative Spending.

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Personally, I’m not sure why Nick didn’t just buy one of those nifty prepaid cell phones at the local Quick-e-Mart.  But I guess that wouldn’t be very funny . . . unless, of course, the “Mart” in question was owned by Apu from The Simpsons . . .

While walking home from the cell phone store, Jess tries to cheer up Nick, by telling him the not having a cell phone might actually make him seem “cool” and “mysterious” . . .  like a Mole Person . . . or the Unibomber.

And hey, at least he will never have to worry about going over his text messaging limit!

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At this rate, Nick is going to have to invest in some genuinely ambitious carrier pigeons, if he wants to maintain his social life.  (Carrier pigeons don’t check credit scores.  Do they?  Remind me to ask the cast of Game of Thrones about this.  They owe me one.)

In a surprise show of Roommate Solidarity, Jess offers to throw out her phone too . . .

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But then, Nick reminds her that he gave his mom her number, in case of emergencies . . . a sure sign of budding love, if ever there was one . . .

OK, so now we know why Nick hates the rich and people who work at Verizon.  But what about Jess?  Well, it turns out, she had her own little “Lizzie Meets Mr. Darcy” Moment at school, earlier that day.

Just like their iconic literary predecessors, Jess’ first meeting with Russell, a father of one of her students, doesn’t exactly go well.  The fact that Jess was dressed like this certainly didn’t help matters . . .

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By the way, check out the board behind Jess’ head.  Ahh . . . if only I had Ms. Day as a teacher when I was eleven.  I would TOTALLY be writing letters to convicts, and checking my head for lice, instead of “engaging in intercourse,” while in ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.  (What kind of hippy dippy school is this?)  Then again, when it comes to protecting your vegetables from STDs, I guess it’s never too early to learn  . . .

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As for single dad, Russell, he seems much less concerned with Jess’ Salad-Friendly take on sex education, than with her insistence on the students’ daily forays into artistic expression.  Apparently, he’s a bit concerned by his daughter, Sara’s decision to create this piece, entitled “A Trip to the Mall with Grandma.”

(Coincidentally, I have a piece just like this, hanging over my bed . . .)

Possibly worried that, in her next work of art, his daughter will substitute real human heads for baby doll ones, Russell angrily informs Jess that, from now on, Sara will be “opting out” of “artistic expression time,” and will, instead, engage in, “Solo Study Hall.”  Jess — who never met a baby doll head, or bloodied white glove, she didn’t like — is furious that Russell is squashing poor little Sara’s dreams of becoming a serial killer an installation artist.  When she complains to her principal, the latter warns her not to rock the boat, when it comes to Russell, who is apparently a Big Money Donor to the school.  In fact, according to the principal, Russell might pull his funding, if he is dissatisfied with the way his daughter is being educated.

Not one to be so easily swayed, Jess offers her principal alternatives to taking scholastic money from “The Man.”

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But the principal is not amused, and demands that Jess apologize to Russell Rich Guy for her behavior.  At the horns of a moral and ethical dilemma, Jess turns to her roommates for help.  Winston and Schmidt think she should suck it up and apologize, for the sake of her job.  But Nick is all, “Damn Mr. Fancyman.  Save the Empire!”

Jess decides to take Nick’s advice, because she’s secretly in love with him and stuff.  (Hey, no one said this recap wouldn’t be biased!)

On her way to meet Russell Rich guy, and give him a piece of her mind, she has Schmidt and Nick on the phone, for moral support.  With Nick chanting, “We ARE the 99 percent,” in her ear, she can’t lose . . . that is  . . . until her old clunker of a car breaks down, and Russell, himself, arrives to witness the embarrassment . . .

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“Weird Guy” Russell gallantly offers Jess his Bentley, so that she can drive home, without having to worry about bursting into flames by staying in her car . . . He does this, despite knowing absolutely nothing about her, aside from the fact that she often has men remove their condoms themselves, after intercourse, and lets his daughter draw decapitated heads during “Art Time.”  (Hey, no one said rich people were smart.)

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(I STILL do that!)

Though Jess initially rebuffs Russell’s offer, she eventually grudgingly accepts his help . . . the lure of a working automobile, being simply too enticing to pass up . . .

Later, back at the house, Jess admits to her bestie,  Cece, that she’s been invited to Russell Rich Guy’s Fancy Rich People Cook Out, but doesn’t want to attend.  Always one to offer the Tough Love, Cece chastizes Jess for being afraid of grown-up men, who might actually be capable of taking care of her, as opposed to the other way around.  (Wow, New Girl just got deep!)

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Meanwhile, in B-plot Land, Winston is feeling inferior, because he isn’t as good at triva as Schmidt.  And it’s making him look bad in front of his new girlfriend . . .

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When Schmidt’s repeated offers to “put on some Jodeci” to help set the mood, don’t help, Winston turns to the kid he sometimes babysits for, for help . . .

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But it turns out, even the kid is better at trivia than Winston.  So, this only makes him feel worse.  But then, everything kind of sorts itself out, when Winston’s girlfriend tells him that she loves him . . . wait for it . . . just the way he is . . .

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(My sentiments exactly, Schmidt.)

Back in A-plot Land, Jess takes Nick as her date to Russell Rich Guy’s cook out.  (Naturally!)  Remember in Pride and Prejudice, when Elizabeth Bennett visits Mr. Darcy’s estate, for the first time, and is initially totally put off by how ridiculously big and expensive everything looks.  (“He’s just so . . . rich.”)  But then she sees that massive bust of his head, and completely falls in love with all the wonderful things money that can buy?  Well, that’s kind of what happen to Jess and Nick, as they explore Russell’s mansion, completely unaccompanied.  (You’d think a guy like Russell could afford an alarm system . . . or at least some doors with locks.)

Though unimpressed by the “snooty island” in Russell’s kitchen, Nick is immediately captivated by Russell’s Sexy Mysterious Benefector in a Romance Novel Office . . .

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Jess is captivated too . . . by Russell, himself . . . Then again, maybe it’s just his eggrolls . . .

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However, she’s slightly less enthused by his Japanese bidet . . .

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  . . .  which does give her a “deep cleaning,” but not exactly in the way she might have intended . . .

Count on Jess to crank the bidet up to “Six Happy Faces,” when Three is all that is necessary to give one’s bum a solid washing . . .  Of course, it’s Russell to the rescue, once again . . . breaking into the bathroom at the last moment, to rescue his Damsel in Dist-Jess, like Batman, Ironman, or any of those other obnoxiously rich superheros out there . . .

Jess is grateful, but incredibly embarrassed, and wants out of La Casa de Ridiculously Wealthy,  ASAP.  But good ole, Nick has seen the light, and doesn’t want her to leave . . . thanks to a soulful conversation he recently had with, you guessed it, Russell McPerfect.  The latter walks in on Nick, in a bit of an awkward moment, but not quite the type of “awkward moment” you might expect . . .

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(Hmm . . . I wonder what kind of inanimate objects Russell Rich is sexually attracted to?  Stock certificates, perhaps?)

Russell somehow manages to tell the chronically underachieving Nick that he should “grow up,” without sounding snobby or condescending.  Russell also admits that he likes Jess a lot.  The admission touches Nick, so much, that he immediately becomes Team Jess and Russelll . . . (or, rather, the way I like to see it, Team Jess and Happiness . . . . because I refuse to believe that Nick would rather Jess be coupled with anyone but Nick, himself . . . were it not for his own current financial shortcomings).

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So, back in, Jess goes . . .  And for her courage, she’s rewarded with a dinner date invitation from Russell Rich  . . .  (If she plays her cards right, there may even be eggrolls involved, and/or cucumbers with condoms on top.)

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 She also gets to have a nice little dip in the koi pond . . .

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This time, it’s Nick who decides to come to Jess’ rescue . . .

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Unfortunately, Russell’s instructions regarding Chair Sweater Folding Techniques prevent him from being as effective a superhero as he otherwise might have been . .  .

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In Nick’s defense, the “President of Earth” is a busy guy.  And he can’t save every pretty girl that falls in the koi pond . . .

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Donald Trump, Mitt Romney, and Dr. Evil would definitely approve . . .

That’s all she wrote, folks.  Until next time . . .

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