Redemption Maybe? – Vampire Diaries Season 4 Revamped Part 3 – Klaus Mikaelson

“If you want to be bad, be bad with a purpose.  Otherwise you’re just not worth forgiving.”

These are the iconic words Damon utters to Klaus Mikaelson, during a mid-season conversation that’s about as “Meta” as TVD gets . . .

One could probably imagine a similar conversation taking place in the TVD writers’ room, around the time Plec and Co. got their greenlight to film the back door pilot to “The Originals.”

After all, Klaus had been the series’ main Big Bad for three seasons know, roughly 75% of the life of the show.   And now, there was a good chance the Original Hybrid would be blessed with a series of his very own . . . a series where the character would be featured, not as the show’s antagonist, but as its protagonist.

It was a tall order.  Fortunately, the writers  already had two templates as to how such a feat could be accomplished.  The first was another blonde villainous vampire, by the name of Spike, who made a similar journey from Season 2 Big Bad, to Season 4 Questionable Ally on the critically acclaimed TV series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

The second was Damon Salvatore himself, the ultimate TVD Bad Boy MOSTLY Redeemed . . .

Step 1 – Make the Villain Fall in Love . . .

Everyone remembers the first time Spike spied Buffy at a party, and was instantly plagued with an intense desire, both to kiss her, and kill her.  Damon felt the same way about Elena, the first time he laid eyes on her   . . . his brother’s girlfriend, who bore the same face as his lost love.  She seemed to be the ultimate pathway toward Sweet Revenge.

So, too did Klaus experience this conundrum, firsthand, when, to get revenge on his errant sire hybrid Tyler, he compelled him to lethally bite his girlfriend, Caroline . . . potentially ending her new vampire life, before it even really had a chance to begin . . .

When Klaus first arrives at the Forbes household, his motives are unclear.  Is he planning to let Caroline die, to teach Tyler a lesson in obedience?  Is he hoping to seduce her, thereby taking from Tyler, the one aspect of his life, over which Klaus, up to this point had no control?

Whatever Klaus had initially planned to do, it’s clear from the way he looks at Caroline, lying vulnerable on the bed, that he’s changed his mind.  Seeing this young woman, on the cusp of young vampire life, lying helpless before him, does something to Klaus.  It changes him imperceptibly.

So, Klaus tells this dazzling woman, what no one else would, that vampirism, while “dark” and “monstrous,” can also be beautiful, because LIFE is beautiful.  And then, he gives her a choice . . . immortality or death.  This insanely powerful vampire, who has done nothing that wasn’t directly in his selfish interest, from the moment he set foot in Mystic Falls, for the first time, relinquishes control of his life and his Master Plan to Caroline, for reasons he may not yet entirely understand.

The result is a scene that remains one of my favorites in TVD history . . . And this is coming from a staunch Damon fan . . .

Klaus may have begun his wooing of Caroline back in Season 3, through expensive gifts, vacation promises, and pictures of ponies . . .

But it wasn’t until Season 4 that Klaus really started making headway toward winning Caroline’s heart.  And he did it in a way that the Klaus of earlier season’s would never have even considered.  He did it by listening to her, opening up to her, and by not taking advantage of her when he had the opportunity to do so  . . .

Like, for example, when he was in Tyler’s body, early on in the Season . . .

Sure KlausiTyler comes off like a bit of a cad in this scene. But he’s also surprisingly chivalrous!  Michael Trevino does a great job conveying Klaus’ emotions during this season.  He’s clearly turned on and pleasantly surprised that the woman he loves is FINALLY attacking him sexually.  And yet, as much as he wants Caroline, there’s a part of him that can’t bear to have her under false pretenses.  So, he exposes his true identity, and, in doing so, loses the opportunity for Hot Hybrid Sex . . .

It’s the second “half-way” decent thing he did for Caroline in Season 1.  (Rescuing her from that anti-vampire cult, being the first.)  And there’s plenty more where that came from . . .

Let’s not forget that Klaus came as Caroline’s date to the Miss Mystic Falls Dance?

Just as Buffy reawakened the quiet poetic side of Spike on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Elena awakened the selfless side of Damon, so too does Caroline seem to bring out an oddly lighthearted cheeky version of the usually single-mindedly power hungry Klaus.

He smiles, he jokes . . . he makes a good show of pretending to care about things that Caroline cares about . . . things that would otherwise have no meaning for him whatsoever, like pageants, proms, and party dresses . . .

And what girl wouldn’t appreciate a guy with the unique ability to be the Fairy Godmother to her Cinderella, while still looking like Prince Charming?

(Even if it does make you wonder what happened to all the girls who used to wear the dresses he stores in his closet?)

Of course, every budding relationship hits a bit of a snag.  And Klaus finds himself relapsing into old habits, when he, once again, is responsible for Caroline’s receipt of a lethal werewolf bite . . . a bite he issues himself, out of anger at Tyler, and Caroline’s brutal rejection of him . . .

And yet, when all is said and done, Caroline and Klaus make amends, and end up parting as “friends (?),” with Klaus temporarily ceding the love of his life to the same young hybrid that’s been a thorn in his side all season .   . .

You know what they say, “if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you, due to series cancellation, it was meant to be.”

So, why the ultimate change of heart, with respect to Tyler?  Especially, considering how intent Klaus initially seemed on keeping these two lovebirds apart indefinitely . . .

I suspect it had a little something to do with Step 2 of our Redemption Plan . . .

Step 2 – Find a New Big Bad, So the Old One Can Unite with the Scoobies Against Him . . .

In Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Spike joined the Scoobies after the ultimately corrupt initiative put a chip in his brain, preventing him from hurting humans.  This made Spike no longer a threat to Buffy and her gang.  It also gave him impetus to fight on their side, as it enabled him to kill the only type of being he still could . . . demons.

Likewise, in Season 2, Damon promptly put aside his differences with his brother, so the two could battle a mutual, and much more powerful enemy . . . Klaus, himself . . .

The writers must have had quite a difficult time coming up with a Bigger Bad than Klaus.  After all, we are talking about a 1,000-year old virtually unkillable vampire, who also possesses full werewolf powers.    But it wasn’t Silas’ strength that made him such a threat to the Scooby gang, it was his impressive ability at mental manipulation . .  .

Not only could Silas impersonate any person or thing, he could also see inside people’s minds, and expose their deepest darkest fears and secrets.  As a result, Klaus found himself reluctantly found himself in a role entirely foreign to him . . . that of VICTIM . . .

Sexy buff shirtless, victim . . . but victim, nonetheless . . .

Ahh yes, the infamous bloodline . . . another nifty way to align Klaus to the Scooby Gang, was for the writers to literally tie his survival to their own.  Thanks to some crafty mythology, Klaus can no longer die, because killing him would effectively demolish the ENTIRE CAST OF THIS SHOW . . .

I bet Spike is wishing he thought of that one.  It sure beats his method of maintaining character relevance . . .

While, in previous Seasons, Klaus was the Ultimate Enemy, like Spike and Damon before him, Klaus suddenly found his own personal interests aligned with Damon, Stefan, Caroline and co.  And so, he helped them, in their quest to defeat Silas, by solving the key to the Hunter’s Map that would lead to the vampire cure.  (He hoped to use that cure on Elena, so her human blood could produce more hybrids.)

“Human blood bag for all eternity . . . BFF . . . same difference.”

A vulnerable, lovelorn, character, fighting on the side of good, to defeat the Big Bad, who sometimes becomes prey to the ultimate predator . . . Season 4 Klaus sure sounds like a hero to me . . .

except when he isn’t .  . .

Step 3 – Keep the Former Villain Behaving Badly Enough That He Doesn’t Lose His Edge . . .

Heroes are great and all . . . but they can be SUPER boring.

So, when writers are tasked with redeeming a Bad Boy, they always must make sure he remains just evil enough to still be interesting.  (Plus, there’s the ever present issue of character consistency.  A guy like Klaus doesn’t just automatically start shaking hands and kissing babies, just because he fell in love with a pretty girl!)

And so, for every kind, romantic, or selfless act Klaus committed in Season 4, he had to do something truly awful, just to balance things out . . .

Revenge Sex with Hayley . . . definitely not your finest hour, Klaus . . . (hot triangle tattoo notwithstanding)

No act was more awful than the Christmas Massacre Klaus committed in episode 9 of the Season.  Betrayed, once again by Tyler, and the hybrids, who Tyler systematically taught to break themselves of their bond with the Original, Klaus is BEYOND pissed.  This single calculated act has painfully exposed the Original Hybrid’s two Achilles Heels’ his pride and his loneliness.

And so Klaus lashes out in the only way he knows how, by ripping from Tyler everything he cares about.  Murdering 13 people in a single episode,  one of whom is a completely harmless human.  It doesn’t get much more villainous than that . . .

And yet, as Caroline once said, “Anyone who can love, is capable of being saved.”

Can New Orleans be Klaus’ salvation?  Can Caroline?  How about that ridiculous plotline spawn in Haley’s belly?

Throughout Season 4 of TVD, Klaus has shown himself to be capable of both exceptional good, and horrifying evil.  But is it enough to make him a relateable protagonist on his own series?  A series without Caroline . . . the woman, who made all this sort-of redemption possible?

Only time will tell . . . and for an immortal like Klaus, time is definitely on his side . . .

Speaking of everyone’s favorite Vampire Barbie, she’s next on my Re-Vamped list.

See ya then, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com] [My Tumblr] [Fangirls Forever]

Bad Santa Klaus – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ Mid Season Finale “O Come All Ye Faithful”

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“Oh, you better watch out.  You better not cry.  You better not pout.  I’m telling you why.  Santa Klaus is coming to kill your hybrids . . . and your mom . . . and your romantic relationship . . . and your favorite boots . . . which are now covered in blood . . . because you stepped on some decapitated hybrid . . . while walking through the forest . . . on the way out of town.  Anybody have a napkin I could borrow?”

It’s Christmas, Fangbangers!  Christmas is a time for time for GIVING, LOVING, and SPENDING TIME WITH PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT.  Unless you live in Mystic Falls.  In which case, Christmas is a time for MURDER, MAYHEM, BETRAYAL, DISAPPOINTMENT, AND SENDING THE PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT AWAY IN A CAR WITH BONNIE FOR NO F*CKING LOGICAL REASON WHATSOEVER . . .

Let’s recap, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to Andre for all the screencaps you see here.  Even though he still thinks I write too much about Delena in my recaps.  And it still makes me cry . . .]

“Wanna Come?”

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I concur Damon.  I suspect a lot of the problems I have with this show would cease to exist, if you and your male cast mates spent the entire hour naked . . .  Or, rather, they would still exist, but I wouldn’t remember them.  Because I’d be too busy staring at your . . .

Yes, I went there.  I titled this section “Wanna Come?”  And I meant it to mean exactly what YOU think it means.

In my defense, it’s an actual quote from the scene.  Also in my defense . . . hey . . . at least SOMEONE should be having fun, because it sure as heck isn’t Damon and Elena . . . at least not in this episode . . .

Yes, boys and girls, we open this hour, just as we opened the last one, with Damon and Elena . . . sort of SPOONING . . . in Damon’s bed.  Except, this time, they are fully dressed, and both looking pretty miserable because of it.  Let that be a lesson to you, kiddies.  Clothes are BAAAAAAAD!

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Sleeping in your jeans is really uncomfortable . . . as is sleeping that close to someone who looks like Ian Somerhalder, without jumping his bones . . . or, at least, I imagine it would be uncomfortable.  I can’t really say I know from personal experience . . . yet.

Whereas, in the previous episode,  we saw Damon wake up HAPPY . . .

Now, he’s kind of broody about the whole “not breaking the sire bond / lying to Stefan” thing.  You know what I say to that?  “BAH HUMBUG,” that’s what.  Hey Damon, do you think all those times Stefan slept with Elena, he spent all his post-coital mornings worried about how crappy it would make YOU feel?

Here’s an idea, Damon.  You already did the “wrong” thing, by not breaking the sire bond, when you told Stefan you would.  You already FEEL guilty.  So, why not take your own advice from a previous episode, and just own your guilt?

It would be more fun for you and Elena, for sure.  It also might be more fun for us to watch.  But hey, at least we get to see you take your shirt off again . . .

“Just do it,” Elena says, when Damon makes this deliciously naughty overture toward the love of his life . . .

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Nike would be so proud!

Unfortunately, almost immediately after, Elena  puts the kibosh on any and all possibilities of morning sex, by saying she has to go to the lake house with Bonnie, so that the two of them could help Jeremy, you know, not want to murder Elena and Stuff.

“Wanna come?” Elena asks hopefully . . .

WE DO!  WE DO!  Except you two aren’t letting us!  Such teases!

Klaus Mikaelson . . . He’s one Special Snowflake

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It’s nice to see that Klaus’ plans for World Domination haven’t adversely impacted his passion for Arts and Crafts.

Ponies . . . globs of goo that vaguely resemble poop .  . . a cartoonesque picture of the girl he likes . . . a snowflake.  Klaus may be over 1,000 years old, but in terms of art appreciation, he still seems to prefer painting a range of subjects that would look right at home on the wall at an Elementary School art fair . . .  Maybe that’s why Klaus so much prefers hanging out with teenagers, than with people closer to his own age.  You know, like them . . .

Stefan pops by the Klaus House, because there is important Mythology Stuff that must be relayed to the viewers.  And the writers secretly hope that the homoerotic allure of seeing Klaus and Stefan eyef*&k one another will help us to forget that this particular part of the show sometimes feels like homework . . .

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It totally works, by the way.

Blah blah blah, vampire cure . . . blah blah blah hunter’s mark on Jeremy’s arm equals map to cure . . . blah blah blah sword “owned” by Klaus equals legend for map to cure.  It’s really nothing we haven’t heard before.  But I guess we all need a little refresher course, every once in a while.  And like I said, it’s fun to watch these two flirt with one another, even though we know they’ll never really bone, because this isn’t HBO or Showtime . . .

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Klaus and Stefan – Frenemies with benefits?

Later on in the episode, Klaus and Stefan share even more warm and fuzzies with one another, as they bond over the fact that they both maintain a Murder Victim Keepsake collection.  Stefan writes his victims name on a wall, and Klaus breaks into their homes and steals their letters  . . . you know . . . if they ever actually write any . . . and forget to send them.

“Dear Lover.  If you are reading this, it means you killed me.  So, take this letter and shove it up your ass, you MURDEROUS BASTARD!”

Klaus views this as a sign of shared loneliness.

I view it as a sign of shared psychosis . . .  Except, unlike Saint Stefan, at least Klaus doesn’t glue people’s heads back onto their bodies, after he’s chewed off their necks . . .

Same difference I guess.  But hey, it could be worse.  Klaus could draw ponies for all of his victims.

Meanwhile at Mystic Falls’ Weekly Town Event Where Everyone Dies . . .

The Tale of the Dumbass Martyr

After you’ve been dating someone for awhile,  you begin to develop little tricks to coping with his or her . . . idiosyncrasies.  Tyler has been dating Caroline long enough to realize that she has a bit of a Freak Out Problem . . .

“I’m not angry!  What would make you think I’m angry?”

And this is probably the reason he chooses a VERY public place (i.e. right in the middle of town square) to drop the bombshell on her, that he’s LITERALLY planning on donating his body to Operation Kill Klaus.

“First you go off and live in the mountains for six months, and now this?  I’m beginning to think you’re trying to avoid me.”

*whistles uncomfortably*

I don’t know.  I mean, if they were planning on dumping Tyler’s body, along with Klaus’ “essence” (whatever that means”), into a vat of concrete, anyway, why not just push Klaus into the vat and be done with it?  (It worked on True Blood with Russell Edgington. . . for a half a season, anyway.)  Why must the Scooby Gang always needlessly over complicate things?  This is why their FAILURE RATE is so high . . .

Just saying . . .

Nonetheless, the fact that Tyler is willing to do this for the hybrids that just last week tried to kidnap and kill his girlfriend, just because he believes it’s the “right thing to do,” shows just how far he’s come as a character, since his Season 1 douchebag days.  Tyler’s plan is admirable . . . idiotic, but admirable, which is why Caroline’s nickname for her boyfriend is entirely accurate.  Yes, fangbangers.  Tyler Lockwood is a Martyr.  But he’s also a DUMBASS . . .

Speaking of dumbasses . . .

Have wood, will thrust . . .

OK, so let me get this straight.  You have this guy Jeremy, who has basically been converted into this supernatural serial killer.

You’re inviting his sister over, who he’s once tried to kill,  so you can see if you can get him to STOP trying to kill her.  While he’s waiting for his sister, he’s at this lame lakehouse, where there’s pretty much nothing to do, but sit around and count the tiles on the floor.  And he’s bored.

Let’s brainstorm some things you could do with Latent Serial Killer Boy to keep him occupied, while he waits for his sister.  You could . . . break out some board games . . . like Scrabble, or Jenga . . . maybe even Pictionary.

You could play Twister, or have a dance party . . .

“Ooh what a feeling!  When we’re dancing on the ceiling .  . .”

You could . . . I don’t know . . . have sex with him.

I mean, you could really do anything.  The world is your proverbial oyster.  But, you know what I wouldn’t do?  I wouldn’t GIVE HIM A MASSIVELY LARGE AXE, AND LET HIM GO OUTSIDE ALONE TO CHOP WOOD THAT CAN BE USED TO MAKE STAKES . . .

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All logic reasoning aside . . . Jer Bear is looking gooooooood . . .

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Oh hey, so remember last week, when I complained that the whole “a vampire needs to be invited into your home” rule has been totally abandoned by the show?  Well, they used it this week!  Jeremy had to invite ELENA into her own lake house . . . and then he tried to stake her . . . with the stake he made . . . while chopping the wood, with the massive axe, that Dumbos 1 and 2, i.e. Bonnie and Professor  Numb Nuts, GAVE HIM . . .

Is it weird that I was kind of jealous of Elena, while she was getting almost butchered by her own brother, because having his big burly arms wrapped pressed up against her chest looked like a lot of fun?

ELENA: “Your skin is so baby soft.  What kind of lotion do you use?”

JEREMY: “Vampire Death of Olay”

“Considering we’re siblings and all, it’s probably a little inappropriate that you’re squeezing my ass.”

Doctor Do Nothing’s plan to hypnotize Jeremy into loving Elena again seemed like a bad idea, right off the bat.  And I think I’d be saying that, even if we hadn’t been reminded about 85,000 times since he first appeared that he’s Up to No Good.  Put it this way, they say that if you lose something while you’re drunk, the best way to find it is to get drunk again, because it puts you in the same frame of mind that you were in when you lost it?

Well, that’s kind of how I feel about Jeremy’s hunter tendencies.  He always seems like he’s in a trance, when he’s murdering vampires.  So, putting him in a trance seems like the exact WRONG thing to do, which, I suspect, might have been Stupid Hair, Phd’s plan all along.

Nevertheless, I did find Jeremy’s entranced admission that he “hates” Elena, because she’s indirectly brought about the death of everyone he’s ever loved to be kind of intriguing.  After all, there’s always a sort of truth to the things you do or say in an uninhibited state like trance.  So, even though Jeremy’s murderous tendencies are about 98% due to his hunter’s mark, there seems to be at least 2% that are a result of his unresolved subconscious anger at his sister for all that she’s inadvertently cost him.  That actually adds a surprisingly complex layer to Jeremy Gilbert’s personality that I would like to see explored more deeply in the weeks to come . . .

And here is another “layer” of Jeremy’s character that I’d like explored.  Thank you very much.

Also, I hate to say it, but Zombie Jer kind of has a point.  I mean, think about it: Jeremy’s biological parents, his uncle, Aunt Jenna,  Vicki, Anna, Alaric, almost all the people he’s ever cared about have died in service to the Save Elena Games.  Not that any of these deaths are necessarily Elena’s fault.  But you can’t blame Jeremy’s subconscious for making that very real connection . . .

And now that I’ve said all these nice, warm, fuzzy things about this particular storyline, I feel like I’ve earned the right to be a little bitchy.  Because yeah, I AUDIBLY gagged when it was revealed that BONNIE was Jer Bear’s one link to sanity, because he LOOOOOOOVES her so much.

Oh gross!  I’ve seen paperclips that have more chemistry together than these two . . .

“There’s no place like home.  There’s no place like home.  There’s no place like . . . It didn’t work.  You’re still here.”

But hey!  Now, Jeremy can hug Elena, without snapping her neck.  So, progress?

JEREMY:  *think about Bonnie . .  . think about Bonnie . . . think about Bonnie*

ELENA: “Jeremy get that stake away from my crotch.  I thought they cured you of trying to kill me!”

JEREMY:  “Ummm . . . that’s not a stake.  Maybe this thinking about the girl I want to have sex with, while hugging my sister thing, isn’t such a good idea, after all.”

But you know who ISN’T making progress?

BLOW ME . . . one last kiss.

Outside of the lake house, Elena admits to Damon that she logically knows that she was in love with Stefan, when she spent time with him this same location, last year.  But now she barely remembers it, nor relates to the feelings she supposedly felt so strongly, during that time.  That’s OK Elena, I often try to forget . . . and have difficulty relating to . . . your past relationship with Stefan too!

Damon, of course, is still feeling guilty . . . about the existence of the sire bond . . . about lying to his brother about breaking the sire bond . . . about having the best sex of his life, while Stefan had to listen to Caroline babble for hours . . . about not telling Stefan that he had the best sex of his life . . . and, of course, about not telling Stefan that he was spending the day with Elena at the same lakehouse where Stefan may or may not have had the best sex of his life . . .

That’s a whole lotta guilt for one guy!  And that guilt cup overflows, as Damon watches Elena bond with her brother over Christmas ornaments.

It’s at this moment that Damon makes the Heartbreaking Decision hinted at, by all the promos and episode synopses.  He tells Elena he’s setting her free.

He sends her away with Boring Bonnie (talk about the punishment not fitting the crime!) in a scene that evoked memories of his compelling Jeremy to leave town a couple seasons back.

And that’s what it feels like to me . . . compulsion.  I didn’t like it when it happened to Jeremy.  And I didn’t like it happening here.  In both situations, Damon was doing something ostensibly, for the good of the compelled.  He felt he was setting them free.  But in doing that, he was actually taking AWAY their choice, and forcing them to do something they ordinarily wouldn’t have chosen to do.  We saw it in Jeremy’s confusion, when he decided to selfishly leave his entire family in the middle of the school year, but couldn’t quite figure out why he was doing it.

We see it in Elena, as her body pulls her toward the car, but her heart seems to pull her back, causing her to lean in for one last kiss.

I know that Damon BELIEVES he’s doing the Right Thing.  And I respect that he loves Elena enough to be willing to give her up for the umpteenth time.  I’m just so tired of seeing this guy play the martyr, when it comes to Elena and Stefan.  And I wish the show would FINALLY let him catch a break.  He deserves it . . .

Meanwhile, back home . . .

Mama Don’t Preach . . .

Now, I know Carol Lockwood croaked this week.  So, we’re supposed to be nice to her.  But I’ll admit I had to laugh a little bit, when Tyler told his mommy he was going to allow some random witch to dump his body into a vat of cement for a few decades, AFTER she enabled him to become possessed by Klaus.  And then, Mommy Dearest, more or less said, “Whatever makes you happy, dear?”

“I also totaled your Mercedes . . .”

REALLY?  Because if I ever said something like that to my mom, first she would CRY HYSTERICALLY . . . then she would take me to have my head examined . . . then she probably wouldn’t let me out of my room until I was about 55 years old.

Again . . . yes . . . this is a “Heroic Act.”  Yes, one could even say it’s the “Right Thing to Do,” but it’s also CATACLYSMICALLY STUPID!

What’s worse?  Mama Lockwood then has the NERVE to tell Tyler that his FATHER would be proud of him, because, apparently, taking a two decade long nap, a la Rip Van Winkle, is a sign of GREAT LEADERSHIP.  Let’s not forget that this is also the guy who physically, mentally, and emotionally abused Tyler for years.  With parental role models like these, is it any wonder that Tyler thinks it’s a good idea to spend a significant portion of his perpetual late teens as a statue?

“I wish Michaelangelo’s David was my son, instead of you.  At least he never gives his father any lip.”

I’m still on your side . . . except, not really.

Unlike Mama Lockwood, Caroline Forbes isn’t quite so chill about the idea of her boyfriend turning himself into a Tyler-cicle.  So, she rats him out to Papa Stefan . . . something she’s been doing A LOT, lately.  (More on that later.)

Of course, Stefan seems a lot less concerned with how the Tyler-cicle plan will impact the Forwood relationship, and more concerned with its impact on Klaus.

That’s right, Fangbangers.  It appears that dear old Saint Stefan has, ONCE AGAIN, found himself in the seemingly once-in-a-lifetime predicament of NEEDING TO KEEP HIS MORTAL ENEMY ALIVE.  You know . . . so he can save Elena from loving Damon A LOT MORE than she loves him vampirism.

In Stefan’s defense, he does at least TRY to find the cure, in a way that won’t ultimately involve his Princess Elena becoming a lifelong bloodbag / hybrid baby maker to the “Most Evil Vampire On the Planet.”  While Caroline’s flirtations at the Winter Wonderland Carnival keep Klaus occupied with Champagne Wishes and Vampire Barbie Sex Dreams . . .

 .  . . Stefan ransacks his erstwhile boyfriend’s home, in search of the sword that is the key to the drawing on Jeremy’s arm, which is actually a map to . . . yeah, yeah, you know the rest.

Of course, Stefan can’t find it.  This I suspect, is only because he hasn’t looked in the SOAPDISH, where Klaus keeps his moonstones, or in the sock drawer, where Damon says people keep kinky stuff.  Something tells me the sword is probably in one of those two places.

So, Stefan confronts Tyler to tell him he can’t kill Klaus because . . . wait for it . . . ELENA NEEDS HIM.  And, of course, I have to laugh when Stefan gets all up in Tyler’s grill and says all menacingly, “I’m afraid I can’t let you do that to Klaus,” possibly forgetting (as the writers of this show often do) that Tyler, as a hybrid, is actually supposed to be a much stronger supernatural creature than Stefan.

Then again, maybe not . . .

Unfortunately, we never actually get to test that theory.  Because Tyler’s Hybrid Homebodys (and girls) appear on the scene, proving this to be not-at-all a fair fight.  Having won by default, Tyler turns his attention to CAROLINE THE BETRAYER, whose got this “I burped in Church” look on her face, like she knows she screwed up.

“I needed you to be on my side today,” Tyler says solemnly.

Except lately, the only person’s side who Caroline ever seems to be on is Stefan’s.  Could there possibly be something brewing between these two of which neither is yet consciously aware?  I wonder . . .

News gets slightly better when Shady Shane announces himself to Damon as someone who KNOWS where the cure is hiding, which will enable the Scooby Gang to get to it without Klaus OR the sword.  Now, that Klaus is allowed to die again, Caroline comes up with the idea to put him in his sister’s Rebekah’s body.  Tyler agrees, and everyone is happy .  . . well . . . almost everyone.

Now, this is where things get confusing.  You see, I’m still not entirely sure what Professor Boobs Radley and Hayley are plotting.  On one hand, Dr. Snorefest agreed to help Damon and Co. find the cure WITHOUT Klaus, which seemed to suggest they wanted Klaus dead.  But then, the pair foiled the Scooby Gang’s plan to kill Klaus, implying that they wanted him ALIVE.  Also, Hayley seemed weirdly intent on Klaus’s “essence” possessing Tyler instead of Rebekah, which just made no sense whatsoever . . .

You re-killed Caroline!  You bastard!

I like how whenever vampires get “murdered” on this show, it’s nothing more than a “fun” opportunity to lie down for a quick cat nap.  Unfortunately, for Caroline, Hayley “murdered” her in a dirty public restroom.  RUDE!  She could have at least put down some paper towels on the floor, or something . . .

Clueless April Young finds Caroline that way and is clearly traumatized . . . so much so that, when Caroline un-dies, the “mere human,” almost seems a bit disappointed.  “But you were dead.  You had no pulse,” she whines. 

Maybe next time, April . . .

Oh, did I mention that Caroline tries to compel April to forget what she saw, but she can’t because the girl is wearing Jeremy’s vervain ring?  OOPS!

In addition to NOT forgetting that Caroline came back from the dead, April also overheard her mention vampires, werewolves, hybrids and an UNDAGGERED REBEKAH, who, if you recall, is April Young’s only friend, who, just so happens to have spent the past few epsiodes “playing dead.”

Now, most of us, upon hearing someone babbling on like that in a public bathroom, would assume the babbler suffers from a disease common among teens known as “reading too much Twilight fanfiction.”

However, April lives in the Wackadoo Town of Mystic Falls.  And this prompts her to believe what she’s heard enough to investigate the tomb where a daggered Rebekah is supposedly buried.

“This is like a life-sized version of those Stars without Makeup articles I read on the supermarket checkout aisle . . .”

As my dear friend Yoda would say, “Thickening . . . the plot is.”

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome . . .

Caroline and Stefan engage in a little heart-to-heart about what awful people they actually are, and how, they aren’t really all that different from Klaus, aside from the fact that they have “family” to keep them from becoming super villains.  (Of course, Klaus has family too. He just keeps staking them.)

Then, Caroline proceeds to PROVE herself to be awful by not-so-subtly insinuating that Damon and Elena did the deed, even though it was 100% not her place to give out that information.

To say Stefan took it poorly is the understatement of the century.

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But, in his defense, maybe he was just cranky, because he hadn’t eaten all day . . .

Have yourself a bloody little Klausmas . . .

Back in Winter Wonderland, Hayley rats out Tyler’s plan to Klaus, and Stefan doesn’t hear her do it, despite the fact that he has vampire hearing, and is standing only about 5 feet away.  Klaus then dashes out to the forest and systematically exterminates each and every one of his so-called precious hybrids to punish them for trying to kill him.  As Christmas Carols play eerily in the background, Klaus yanks out hearts, chops off heads, twists necks, punctures carotid arteries, and slams his boots into people’s brains.

But, in his defense, he looks kind of sad while he’s doing it . . .   So, it’s totally justified.

Yes, I AM kidding.  But honestly, the choreography, special affects, and directing on this scene are pretty much as masterful as TVD gets.  It was equal parts disgusting, poignant, disturbing, sad, and yet, oddly mesmerizing.

“Klaus Mikaelson: Wearing YOUR heart on his sleeve since B.C.”

Kung Fu Hybrid 2 .  . . coming soon to a theater near you . . .

P.S. I wonder if, after he finished his dastardly mass murder, Klaus went back to hybrid headquarters and stole all those dead kids iPhones.  After all, it’s probably the closest thing we have nowadays to letters.”

Hayley comes clean to Tyler about her betrayal.  And the poor guy barely has time to process the loss of this friendship, when he finds himself ankle deep in hybrid guts, and is forced to live with the fact that, had it not been for him, all of these folks (lame as they were) would probably still be alive today.

Bummer . . .

Speaking of bummers . . .

Off to that Cougartown in the Sky . . .

I wonder what the average life expectancy is in Mystic Falls.  On one hand, it seems like every character over the age of 30 croaks after about three episodes.  On the other hand, the place is CRAWLING WITH VAMPIRES and other immortalesque creatures.  This means that everyone in town is either about 18-years old, or 372.  Weird . . .

Anywhoo, a winsomely tipsy Mama Lockwood is lounging by the fountain, waiting to meet up with her son, when Klaus pops by to say hi.  His face is covered in hybrid blood, and he’s got this crazy “I just killed twelve people” look in his eye.  So, you could imagine Mama Lockwood is a bit  . . . concerned about the whole situation.

I’m just wondering why she didn’t run . . . like immediately.  Wouldn’t you, if someone came at you looking like this?

I don’t know.  Maybe she was too drunk, or something.  Whatever the reason, Mama Lockwood takes this opportunity to plead for her SON’S life.  “He’s all I have left,” she says tearfully.

As it turns out, that was EXACTLY the wrong to say, as it gives Klaus an idea . . . a way of hurting Tyler the way Tyler hurt him, by taking away his “family.”  Poor Mama Lockwood gets a nice free facial in the fountain, courtesy of Klaus, and never lives to see the results.

Drowning in a 2 foot deep pool of water . . . it’s a pretty crappy way to go.  But, of course, not quite as crappy as having your heart literally ripped out of your chest by your  “maker.”  R.I.P. Mama Lockwood.  We barely knew ye.   But hey, look on the bright side!  At least you’ll have a very clean corpse!

“Dammit!  I left my Gucci Swimmies at home.”

On that lovely note, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Good Fangbanging Night!

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[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Damon Salvatore is a Babe Magnet . . . Literally – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “We’ll Always Have Bourbon Street”

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Greetings Fangbangers!  So, I’ve been cooking up this theory that I’d like to share with you.  You see, I think that the characters on TVD are like superheroes, in that every one of them has a special magical power, that they can use to combat their enemies.

Jeremy sees dead people, and is really good at lifting beer kegs . . .

Bonnie has the power of magical nosebleeds, and unintelligible chanting.  These powers alternatively gross her enemies out, or leave in them in a bored stupor, rendering them helpless against attack . . .

Caroline has the Power of Perkiness, which makes it difficult to dislike her, even when she’s doing unlikeable things, like complaining about Damon, for no good reason . . .

Elena has the power to make anyone and everyone completely disregard their own self-interests, and risk their lives and happiness to save her, even when she doesn’t seem to really need saving .  . .

Matt has the power of Magical Waitering.  I’m not quite sure how it works.  I just know he’s a really good waiter, because that’s what we see him doing 95% of the time he’s on the show.

Tyler has the power to make you forget what a douchebag he was in Season 1 . . .

Ripper Stefan has the power to eat however many people he wants and never gain weight . . .

Why am I telling you all this, you ask?

Simple.  It’s because this week, we finally got to learn Damon’s magical power.  Interestingly enough, it’s one he shares with the actor who plays him.  That’s right, boys and girls.  Both Damon Salvatore and Ian Somerhalder have the power to render any woman they “sink their teeth into” helplessly under their thrall, forever and ever . . .

After all, that’s what this controversial “sire bond” storyline is all about, isn’t it?  It effects your bodily responses, not your brain.  It’s basically a slightly less intense, but more long term, form of perpetual compulsion.  At least, that’s what they’re  telling us this week.  Back when Tyler was first sired, it was something completely different.

And who better than Damon Salvatore to be the one vampire who, just like his alter ego, Ian Somerhalder, seems to convert every woman he “turns” (and some fangirls that he doesn’t), into his willing love slave?

Let’s review, shall we?

[Again, special thanks to Andre for the spectacular screencaps you see here . . . even if parts of his comment on my recap from last week did make me cry a little bit. :)]

Delena Sex 2.0 – Now with more belly kisses!

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I find it a little ironic that of all the sex songs in the world, the producers chose “Eyes on Fire,” the unofficial Twilight theme song, as the soundtrack to Delena’s Morning Sex.  Considering how much the writers of this show, and its cast, hate being compared to the “Bedward” Franchise, you would think they would run screaming from this particular little ditty.

Now, if they start playing the Buffy the Vampire Slayer theme song, every time Jeremy comes on screen, I’ll know they are just f*&king with us . . .

Anywhoo, we ended last week’s episode with Damon and Elena having sex.

And that’s how we started this week’s episode.  I like to imagine that this is because Damon and Elena have been screwing like bunnies, nonstop, for an entire week.  Way to show off that vampire sex stamina, kiddies!

In reality, I imagine, in Mystic Falls, just a few hours of passed, which is still impressive, I guess.  But, you know . . .

Whatever the time duration, it was White Hot . . . like almost hot enough to pay us Delena fans back for last week’s blue ballsy, Caroline and Stefan sponsored, coitus dotheyevershutupus . . .

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I don’t know about all of you, but I look craptastic, when I sleep.  Messy hair, bags under the eyes, drooling open mouth, a stupid expression on my face.  To combat this potential embarrassment, whenever I have company over, I tend to sleep with a bag over my head.

Trust me, it’s better for everyone this way . . .

Fortunately for Elena, Damon doesn’t have that problem.  That close up shot of his naked bod, his blissfully peaceful closed eyes, and his smiling-in-his sleep expression, was phe-f*&king-nomenal.  In fact, I’d very much like to tape it to the inside of my eyelids, so that I could look at it, while I sleep  . . .

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Things only got better from there.  Elena pops up in Damon’s black button down, and matching panty and bra set (Come on!  We all know she woke two hours early to brush her hair, put on makeup and plan out that “just woke up” ensemble).

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They smile at eachother, with this look that says, we just f*&ked eachothers’ brains out, and all is right in the world.

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And, before you know it, they are at it again . . .

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Honestly, I haven’t seen these two individuals seem so happy, and so at peace with themselves in  . . . well . . . ever.  Sire Bond, Schmire Bond.  If it feels this good, I say you should keep doing it.  After all, you only live once . . . or, in this case . . . once FOREVER.

From the sex moans, to the titillating neck kisses, to the part where we focused on Damon’s ecstatic expression, as Elena DEFINITELY went below his belly button, and, as the song says, “blew his whistle, baby,” I continually wonder how this show manages to keep it’s 8 p.m. time slot, without massively pissing off the censors.

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Not that I’m complaining, or anything . . .

And let me tell you, that sex must have been awesome.  Because, after one day, Damon and Elena have already seemingly settled into matrimonial bliss, with him handing off her lunch bag, and tying her scarf, as the kiss eachother adoringly and bid one another adieu at the door.

Elena’s so happy with Damon, she is even willing to go to school with Sex Head, as Caroline and Bonnie not-so-lovingly point out to her, later in the morning.

But then, just as Elena is leaving, Stefan pops by, because he happened to be “in the neighborhood.”

Here’s a hint, Damon.  If you want to hide your morning wood from your brother, your hands should be lower .  . .

By the way, is he bunking with Caroline now?  Because, based on those opening scenes, it seemed as though Damon and Elena weren’t the only vampire duo to spend the night together, after the events of the previous week.  Personally, I hope we later find out that the two of them let their Elena-sized frustrations get the better of them, and boned off screen.

Now, that would be an interesting twist!  Just imagine what Klaus would do, if he found out the two loves of his life “knew one another” in the biblical sense!

“My heart is a-fire with sadness!”

We need to talk . . .

Smug.  That’s how I would describe Stefan Salvatore’s expression when he tells Damon about the whole “siring thing” that he and Caroline spent the WHOLE night discussing.  In fact, he is so smug that part of me wants Damon to jump on of his chair and shout out, “ELENA AND I HAD SEX,” just to wipe that look off of his face.

But, alas, Damon restrains himself.  And so Stefan assigns his elder brother a little “test” to confirm his hypothesis regarding the existence of this all-powerful sire bond.  (Those guys from The Big Bang Theory would be proud!)  Damon has to tell Elena to drink from a blood bag, something she had previously been unable to do.  If she can do it, she’s sired.  If not, not.  It’s that simple.

Or is it?

Because, if I recall correctly, Damon never told Elena that she wouldn’t be able to drink his blood.  And yet, “Sire Girl” went and yakked that up too.  I also don’t recall Damon telling Elena to run off in a huff, after the two engaged in a bit too much “Snatch, Eat, Erase,” at that frat party.

Let’s not forget about the time Elena beat the sh*t out of Damon for trying to kill Matt . . .

So, Elena doesn’t always do everything Damon says.  At least, she hasn’t up until this week . . .

Long story short, Damon heads to visit Elena for her once-a-month trip to school  And what Elena thought was going to be a surprise Coitus Session, in Alaric’s old classroom (R.I.P. Big Guy!), ended up being nothing more than an impromptu “bottle feeding.”

In case you haven’t figured it out by now, the experiment works.  Elena, of course, is thrilled.  Now, that she can drink Soccer Mom from a juice box, our newest resident fanger can once again be the “Moral Vampire” she’s always assumed she’d be!

“Now, can we have sex?”

Plus, I don’t know who she’s been drinking from all this time.  But my guess is that Bar Boy Matt has developed a serious Iron Deficiency.  Now, when he and Jer Bear get high together at the Gilbert house, instead of stumbling around Mystic Falls, muttering, “Dude where’s my truck?,” he just sort of collapses on the floor and plays dead. . .

Damon, of course, looks terribly depressed.

And when Damon is depressed, we’re all depressed . . .

Of course, the scene also serves as a reminder of how much this character has changed since Season 1.  I’m thinking Old Damon would have had a blast with this siring scenario.  In fact, I strongly suspect he would have said something like this.  “Hey Elena.  That’s great that you can drink from blood bags now.  That means you can drink from me . . . no wait, try sipping from my other head . . .”

All kidding aside, at this point, the poor vampire has got to be feeling like the World is out to get him . . . or at least to Cockblock him for All Eternity . . .

Teen Wolf Tyler versus Kim the Barbarian

With the exception of a tie-in scene that occurs later on in the episode, Tyler and Hayley’s plotline seemed distinctly separate from the rest of the episode.   So, I’m going to summarize it as such.

Considering how hybrids on this show are killed as easily as ants crushed under foot, it’s kind of a miracle that Klaus has managed to keep Lucky 13 of them alive, as long as he has.

If I recall correctly, last week we were told that “Kim” was the last of the sired hybrids.  But apparently, another one has magically appeared.  And when that hybrid gripes about the painful un-siring process, Kim rides to his rescue, asserting the moderately attractive male hybrid’s God-given right to be Gay for Klaus FOREVER .  . .  Talk about democracy at it’s finest . . .

“I’m calling PETA!”

At first, Tyler only seems mildly annoyed by this recent turn of events.  And this prompts Hayley to Lady MacBeth him into asserting dominance over Kim and the rest of this Rag Tag Hybrid Crew.  It was all very Derek Hale in Teen Wolf to me, which probably made me enjoy the storyline, more than I would otherwise.  They even tossed around the term “Alpha,” this week, with as much frequency as Stefan says the words “emotions are heightened.”

(By the way, if I ever decide to make a Talking Stefan Salvatore doll, remind me to include “emotions are heightened” as one of the phrases that comes out of his mouth, when you pull the string in his ass.  Other Stefan-y sayings include: “I’m doing it for Elena,” “You’re wrong, Damon,” “I had to know her,” and, my personal favorite, “I’m freaking hungry!”)

Later in the episode, we learn the reason why Hayley is so intent on ALL of the hybrids breaking their bond.  You see, apparently, she promised Good Ole Professor Boo Radley sex TWELVE hybrids, in return for information about her “missing parents.”  (Geez!  Is EVERYONE on this show an orphan?)  And if she gets all the ones that are Not Tyler to fall in line, Ty-Ty can live, while his dozen packmates fry like bacon.

Now, that’s what a call a Nice Girl . . .

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Seriously though, I was happy to hear a solid reason why Hayley would choose to be . . . wait for it . . . IN CAHOOTS . . . with a creeper like Professor Boo Radley.  Now, that I know the reason, I can go back to thinking she’s awesome . . .

In slightly less awesome news . . .

Another Brick in the Wall . . .

As much as I adored seeing Damon and Stefan in 40’s hair and military uniforms (one word: SMOKIN!) . . .

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. . . part of me felt like the writers could have had a lot more fun with the New Orleans / Louisiana backdrop than they did.  For starters, Louisiana has always had a rich history, when it comes to belief in the supernatural.   It’s the Home of Voodoo, for crying out loud!  I would have thought the TVD staff would have had a field day with that little tidbit.

Aside from that, HELLO!  MARDI GRAS!  FAT TUESDAY!  That sort of decadence and debauchery has got to be a veritable smorgasbord for vampires looking to bite a neck (or a boob), in exchange for a cheap beaded necklace or two.

Additionally, I feel like Plec and co. totally wasted the opportunity to include at least ONE deliciously meta True Blood joke . . .

I wanna do real bad things with you . . .

But enough griping.  Let’s focus on what actually happened.  Shall we?

Damon and Stefan decide to road trip to New Orleans, because it turns out that Elena isn’t the first newbie vampire to catch the Sire Disease from Damon.  Apparently, some chick named Charlotte got it too.

Odd right?  Because Damon seemed genuinely surprised when Stefan broke the news about Elena’s sire bond to his brother.  You would think, given his past, Damon reaction would be something more along the lines of “Oh crap!  Not again!  Why do I have to be so gosh darn irresistible?”

Anywhoo, Sire Charlotte isn’t exactly the sharpest tool in the shed.  And apparently, back in 1940, when Damon tried to get rid of her, by telling her to count bricks in the wall and wait for his return, she did . . . FOR SEVENTY FRIGGIN YEARS.

You know what that tells me?  Charlotte doesn’t know how to count . . .

You would think girlfriend would be totally pissed about being dissed like this. I mean, this was a girl who KILLED A SAILOR just because he spilled Damon’s drink.  Talk about someone with anger management issues.  But it turns out she’s POSITIVELY THRILLED to see Damon.

Charlotte, I suspect, is meant to be the poster child for why siring is BAAAAAD.  But I strongly suspect that Charlotte’s bizarre behavior had just as much to do with the kind of person she was before Damon sired her as it does with the supernatural bond.  Case in point, had the sire bond worked like this on Elena, she’d still be over at that frat party from a few episodes ago, “snatching, eating and erasing,” until her lips fell off . . .

Charlotte’s behavior must have freaked out Damon pretty badly back then, because he was willing to visit some Witchy Lady and KILL 12 people, just because the Crazy Lady told him it MIGHT break the sire bond.  Talk about the power of suggestion!

Oooh . . . wait a second . . . TWELVE PEOPLE .  . .the TWELVE HYBRIDS that Professor Shane needs for his spell . . . I SMELL A PARALLEL!

As it probably already figured out, it doesn’t work.  And Damon skips town as a result . . . well, not entirely.  He also skips town, because LEXI tells him that he’s a BAAAD influence on Stefan, and that his mere presence will make his baby bro go full-on Ripper again.  I’m starting to think that Caroline is actually Lexi reincarnated . . .

Oh look!  It’s Lexi Fruitcake!

I’m actually not going to go into too much more detail regarding this brotherly un-bonding, except to say that, like many of the occurrences on this show, it made me mad, on Damon’s behalf.  I mean, come on!  How many times are we going to have to see this guy, give up his happiness, and pretend to be a dick, for the “greater good?”  It’s exhausting . . .

Speaking of exhausting . . .

Would you like a side of judgment, with that Bourbon?

Girls night IN at La Casa de Rich and Awesome for Elena, Bonnie and Caroline.  It’s been a while since we’ve seen these three have anything resembling a good time with one another.  So, it was kind of refreshing to see it happen here, even if it was only for a short while.

Also, was it just me, or did Bonnie seem way more chill this week, than she’s been in about three seasons?  Put it this way, in this episode, BONNIE was telling CAROLINE not to be judgmental and obnoxiously mean about Damon.  Go figure!  Maybe all that “Spirit Tea” (Come on TVD!  Call it what it OBVIOUSLY was, MARY JAY!   Not one of those girls picked up a teacup the entire night.), coupled with her 18 hour long hypnosis sections with Professor Boo Radley have finally mellowed her out . . .

Now, if she could just do something about her mumbling and perpetually bloody noses, I could maybe learn to appreciate her more as a character . . . NAH, I still probably wouldn’t.  But it would be a start.

Anyway, we get a nice little montage of the girls all drugged up and dancing around the apartment, not unlike Damon famously did with the tragic Victoria Donovan, back in Season 1.  Elena even did that trademark Damon Dance Move, where she flew up on the furniture and gyrated to the music, like an undead female Elvis.  Bonnie recorded it on her cell phone for posterity . . .

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But things take a turn for the worst, when Elena starts lounging in Damon’s empty bathtub, prompting Caroline to joke that you could probably get STDs from sitting in there.  (Can vampires even get STDs?)

The comment infuriates Elena.  And Caroline’s insistence that she only loves Damon, because she’s sired to him pisses her off even more.  Elena then proudly admits to boning Damon .  . .

. . . before excommunicating her besties from the premises.  YEAH!  YOU GO GIRL!  YOU DEFEND THAT DELENA SEX TO THE DEATH!  I know I will . . .

Unfortunately, they don’t get very far in their  exile.  Because, as it turns out, Elena has some company . . .

Alls well that ends witchy . . .

Back in New Orleans, Damon meets with a VERY well-preserved witch lady, who ends up being the daughter of the Original Witch Lady who made him kill all those people.  AWK-WARD!

Want to see things get more uncomfortable?  Next she tells him that the whole “killing people to break the sire bond,” thing was a total crock of sh*t.  Mommy Dearest only told him that, so that she can obtain power from his murders to practice EVIIIIIIIILLL magic.  Hmmm . . . is that what Professor Boo Radley is up to?  Maybe . . .

But don’t hate on Witchy Lady just yet.  It turns out, she’s on Team Delena!

After all, she DOES tell Damon and Stefan that sire bonds among vampires only arise when the bonded pair ALREADY has strong romantic feelings for one another.  Take that, VAMPIRE BARBIE!

But then Witchy Lady quickly falls out of my good graces, by telling Damon that the only way he can break the sire bond to Elena is by telling her never to see him again.  I don’t know.  That sounds like a bit much, don’t you think?

You would think a Master of Compulsion like Damon would find a more “direct” way of accomplishing this goal.  Like, for example, “Hey Elena.  Here’s a thought.   When I tell you to do stuff, you shouldn’t do it, just because I asked you.  You should stop, and think long and hard about whether you ACTUALLY want to do it.  Then do it or don’t do it, based on that . . .  You know, kind of like you’ve ALWAYS done, up until these past two episodes . . .”

Of course, that probably wouldn’t make for a very good story, now would it?

And so, we leave Damon in New Orleans to ponder his BIG DECISION.

Meanwhile, back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome Hybrid Kim and her Adequate Looking Henchman crash Elena’s party, despite the fact that they are vampires, who have never been invited inside the house.  I think it’s safe to say we’ve completely done away with this “rule” on this show, by now, right?

“Hi neighbor!  We brought STEAKS . . . wait . . . did I say steaks?  I meant STAKES!”

Anywhoo, they kidnap Caroline  .  . . because, next to kidnapping Elena, that’s the Second favorite past time of villains on this show . . .

“If deja-vu happens multiple times, does it become deja-vu-vu-vu-vu?”

Also, well, they know it will royally piss off Tyler.  And you wouldn’t like Tyler when he is angry . . .

Elena and Bonnie try to help, by growling, and making constipated faces, respectively.  But, alas,  it is to no avail.  Elena then calls Tyler for help.  And, wouldn’t you know it?  Tyler’s on Team Delena too!  (TAKE THAT CAROLINE!)  He tells her that sire bonds affect how you ACT,  not how you feel.

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And though I like that idea,  because it reaffirms that the love between Damon and Elena is real . . .

. . . it does kind of seem like a fine line to me.  I mean, I imagine, for someone going through the siring process, it must be really hard to tell the difference between their thoughts and their actions, hence the Delena Dilemma . . .

Dominance and Submission

During what I suspect will go down in TVD history as the Great Hybrid Standoff of 2012, with Stefan and Damon MIA, Tyler and Elena are forced to split Hero Duty right down the middle.  For her part, Elena offers herself up to torture, instead of Caroline, claiming that the destruction of the Big Bad’s precious doppelganger will hurt him more than that of his teenybopper love interest.

To which, Caroline inevitably responds, “Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!  Elena!  Elena!  Elena!”

Just kidding, she’s thrilled to get a reprieve from having her ass kicked.  She gives Elena a hug, and suddenly all is right in the world between them . . . sort of.

As for Tyler, he literally gets a hold on Kim’s heart, and forces her to bend a knee.  Next thing we know, triumphant music is playing, and all the hybrids are on their knees.  (KINKY!)

“Shhh.  We’re not really supporting Tyler.  We’re just sitting down, because Klaus always makes us stand around, looking fierce.  And our legs are tired.”

 It’s all very Game of Thrones to me.

In fact, a part of me keeps expecting the Khaleesi to pop out and start screaming about her precious dragons . . .

Later, Hayley pops by Professor Boo Radley’s casa, to tell him that ALL THE HYBRIDS are sire free, which means HOORAY Tyler doesn’t have to be one of the twelve dead ones.  And Boo Radley replies, “Haha, jokes on you.  Your parents are dead anyway.  So, I basically got you to work for free.”

Then, he makes some offhand comment about Hayley still being able to SEE her parents.  And at first, I think he’s saying that, because he’s going to kill her.  But then I remember the Fro-Haired Prof blathering on about Silas “coming back from the dead,” a few weeks ago.  And now, I’m thinking Boo’s prophecy might be more literal than Hayley suspects . . .

Back in New Orleans, Damon tells Charlotte he’s “just not that into her,” so she should probably stop, you know counting bricks and stuff, and go get a life . . . or at least a more well-rounded undeath.

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After he returns home, Damon’s face bears the pained expression of someone who is, once again, being forced to do the “unselfish” thing, for the woman he loves.  He’s looking down the barrel of another eternity alone, and it kills him.  You can see it on his face.  He sees Elena, who’s all happiness and smiles, despite, you know, almost getting killed.  And, whereas earlier today the sight of her made him the happiest man on Earth, now he can barely look at her.

But here’s a surprise.  For once, it’s Elena whose pulling Damon closer, as he tries to push her away, “for her own good.”  It’s Elena whose convincing Damon that they are RIGHT for eachother, RIGHT NOW.  It’s who knows about the sire bond.  And doesn’t care.  And it’s Elena, who cups her hand lovingly across Damon’s cheek, and asks rhetorically, does this feel wrong to you?”

And how does Damon respond?

Tune in next week to find out, Fangbangers!  Haha, sucks doesn’t it!

Perhaps, this little preview will make you feel better . . .

Until next time!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

A Good Day to Be an Underdog – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “We all go a little mad sometimes”

So many really great pornos started just like this.  Except, if this was a porno, Damon would be wearing a fireman’s hat or a Superman cape . . . and nothing else . . .

“We all go a little mad sometimes,” Fangbangers.  It’s a movie quote that I thought originated from the 90’s horror classic, Scream.

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But apparently, it’s even older than that . . . like, Psycho OLD . . .

The promos for this week’s episode (and its title) were misleading . . . in a good way.  What many of us thought would be a rather annoying episode about Elena’s Trip to Wacky Town  . . .

. . . actually ended up being less about our female protagonist’s episode-long psychosis, and more about the series‘ underdogs finally getting their time to shine, whether that meant getting the girl, saving the day, or making yet another hybrid’s head into a Pez dispenser, just to add some ink to their arm tattoos   . . .

Then again, whether Damon and Klaus could actually be considered underdogs on this show, is likely a point of contention among fans . . .

Nonetheless, “We all go a little mad sometimes,” was definitely a “game changer: of an episode, more of one, perhaps, than any of the episodes that preceded it, this season.  So, hold on to your heads, your hearts, and your sunscreen rings, because it’s time for another TVD-cap . . .

Why you should always think twice, before stabbing people in the carotid artery . . .

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JEREMY: “If you didn’t want me to make you waffles for breakfast, you could have just said so.”

You know what sucks about hallucinating that every single person you know looks exactly like That Dude You Killed?

“I must just have one of those faces . . .”

Well, aside from the obvious, there’s a really good chance, you’ll end up murdering your baby brother in the kitchen, by jabbing a steak knife into his carotid artery.

Sh*t happens . . .

First of all, you’ve really got to hand it to Elena Gilbert.  I mean, I’ve heard of people who sleep walk, sleep talk, sleep eat, even sleep drive, but Sleep Kill?  Now, that’s impressive . . .

The episode begins with Elena awakening from a bad dream, and heading to the kitchen for a hot drink, only to find Hotty the Ex Vampire Slayer, standing before her all broody and bloody.  For a guy who got knifed in voice box, Dead Connor sure is chatty. He’s yammering on and on to Elena about how he has a brother, and how he died in an unmarked grave, and Boo Hoo Hoo WAHHHH.

Could you really blame Elena for wanting to shut him up again, by poking a fork in his kneck, like a chef testing how well his meat is cooked?  Except, there’s one slight problem.  Connor doesn’t exist anymore.  And Mini Gilbert just so happens to be standing in his place . . .

“If you people don’t stop poking holes in my body, every time you go temporarily insane, or are just in a really bad mood, I’m going to compel myself back to Denver . . .”

That makes a whopping THREE deaths for Jeremy, who had his neck snapped by Damon, in Season 2, and was shot by Sheriff Forbes at the end of that same season.  This new death, at the hands of his own sister, doesn’t quite land Jeremy in Alaric territory . . . I mean, that guy died like 580 times .  . .

. . . and lord knows how many times Rebekah and Elijah have met the sharp end of that White Oak stake.

However, it still gives Mystic Falls’ resident Scrappy Doo a one up on his sister, who, so far, has only croaked twice . . .which, on this show, is like a walk in the park . . .

While Elena waits for her brother’s Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality to kick in, she calls Damon for moral support.  After all, if anyone knows what it feels like to temporarily kill Jeremy Gilbert, it’s Damon.

Also, Saint Stefan’s vampire buzzkill ways, coupled with a few recent fibs on his part, not to mention the surprise resurgence of his obviously sexual relationship with one Klausipoo (Come on, those two aren’t fooling ANYBODY!) have been enough to move the younger Salvatore brother down one notch on Elena’s Emergency Contacts list . . .

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STEFAN: *whistles uncomfortably*

But then Damon calls Stefan to come over . . . I think because the poor blue-eyed vamp has become so used to getting denied nookie on this show that he’s started to cockblock himself . . .

Except Elena doesn’t want to talk to Stefan, she wants to have We Both Killed Jeremy Gilbert Once, But that Doesn’t Necessarily Make Us Bad People Sex with Damon! take a shower, thank you very much!

 

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This would be a great commercial for dishwasher detergent.  “Look NO DISHPAN HANDS!”

Unfortunately, for Elena, once she’s alone again, her hallucinations start kicking back into high gear.  What’s a baby vamp to do?

“Eat my feelings?”

Elsewhere in Mystic Falls . . .

There Ain’t No Party Like a Headless Hybrid Party . . .

Tyler, Hayley, and the rest of their Wacky Woof Pack have apparently spent the night repeatedly toasting to the life of That Random Hybrid that Got Blown Up Last Week, but not to the life of That Random Hybrid Who Got His Head Chopped Off Two Weeks Ago, thus proving that, much like high school, every Wacky Woof Pack has it’s jocks that people actually care about, and its mathletes that they don’t.  Sucks to be you, Headless Hybrid Number 22!

Then, Hayley does this thing where she seductively feeds Tyler booze from her finger.  And I guess it’s supposed to be sexy.  But as anyone who’s actually been up all night partying knows, all-night partiers’ fingers are the last places you want to be licking (well, almost the last places), because you have no idea where they’ve been . . .

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“Contrary to popular belief, my mouth is NOT your sink.”

Caroline comes flouncing in at that moment in a huff to engage in the ex-girlfriend ritual of “returning ex-boyfriend’s belongings in a box.”

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I don’t know . . . taking the time to pack your exes crap in a box, just so you can hand deliver it to him . . . it seems like a lot of work to me.  Personally, I like to throw all my ex-boyfriends’ sh*t in my cat’s litterbox, and let her do the rest of the dirty work.  But that’s just me . . .

“I knew my hat smelled funny.”

It sure makes Klaus happy though, who just so “happens” to walk in at the moment all this is going down.  The Original Hybrid wastes absolutely no time giving Caroline those trademark googly eyes that say, “When you’re done playing FedEx Delivery Girl with Tyler, come play Naughty Nurse with me.”

But it looks like the joke might be on Klaus.  Because, the minute the blonde vamp exits stage right, Hayley and Caroline are patting one another on the back for a ruse well-played, and Tyler and Caroline are tonguing one another, like it’s their job.  (Be careful, Caroline.   Tyler’s tongue just had Hayley’s all-night party finger all over it.  Can you say, Germ Party?)

 

Turns out, the whole scene was just a ruse to throw Klaus off the gangs’ Master Plan to free all the hybrids from their Master’s Sire Bond.  In fact, one hybrid named Chris is already a success story.  Sorry Chris.  We all know what happens to hybrids who get a name that isn’t “Tyler,” don’t we?

Enjoy having a name, and partying with Sexy Finger-Sucking Hayley, while you can.  Because it looks like you just got a first class, one-way ticket to the Hybrid Pez Head Hall of Fame . . .

Adventures in Babysitting Elena Gilbert . . .

After paying his hybrids a visit, Klaus calls his boyfriend Stefan for a quick booty call.  I can’t tell you exactly what he says.  But I suppose it goes something like this:

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“Hey my Ripper Stud!  How’s it hanging?  Has your not-nearly-as-good-in-the-sack-as-me girlfriend started going all loony tunes from killing a vampire hunter yet?  She has?  So, in other words, both my love interests’ significant others are misbehaving, and making me look gooooood.  This must be my lucky day! Pull down your pants.  I’m coming over.”

Klaus explains to Stefan that part of the Curse of the Five is that, when a vampire kills one of them, the dead hunters spirit haunts that vampire until he or she offs herself . . . you know, permanently.  Klaus wants Stefan to lend him Elena to make sure she doesn’t rid the show of it’s main female protagonist.  Stefan is understandably leery of his boyfriend’s promise.  After all, we all know what happened the last time Klaus “borrowed,” Elena . . .

Unfortunately, for Stefan, Elena chooses this exact moment to mistake Damon for Dead!Connor.  And, within minutes, the latter rushes right into Klaus’ waiting arms . . .

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All of the sudden, this show just became one of those “zany” sitcoms, where the main character loses the kid he’s babysitting for, and has to go on all these CRAZY adventures, to find the kid, before The Parents get home . . .

A Christmas Carol – Mystic Falls Edition

Klaus locks Elena in one of those elegant-looking dungeons that all civilized super villains seem to have built into their homes.  It’s there that Crazy!Elena starts morphing into Mystic Falls’ version of Ebenezer Scrooge.  And just in time for the holidays!

We’ve already seen Elena be visited by the Ghost of Vampire Present, a.k.a Hot!Dead Connor. But now it’s time for Elena to get a glimpse into her vampire future, a.k.a Katherine.  I have to say, though I was initially annoyed that the writers took the time to bring back Elena’s Vixen Doppelganger, only to have her be little more than a figment of Schizo!Elena’s warped imagination, I kind of enjoyed watching Nina Dobrev so expertly turn her own alter ego to mush, with some awesomely biting insults.

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It’s hard being That Girl in the show or the movie, with whom all the hot supernatural creatures are madly in love, who always seems to need saving, and who is inadvertently responsible for most, if not all, of the untimely deaths in the series.  Because, as much as female fans might want to be you, a lot of them will also want to shove pointy objects up your ass, or, at the very least, feed you lard, and make your face break out in lots of pimples.  Just ask Bella Swan and Sookie Stackhouse . . .

So, while loving Vampire Diaries means, at least to some extent, loving Elena Gilbert, we all also hate her a little bit too.  And the part of us that hates her, got a real kick out of hearing our complaints about the character emerge directly from the mouth of Katherine Petrova . . .

In which I hope Professor Boo Radley doesn’t end up being this Silas Guy (because then I won’t be able to call him Professor Boo Radley anymore) . . .

Our Scooby Gang always seems to be searching for some “cure,” don’t they?  Just last week, they were hunting for a cure for vampirism, now they are seeking out a Cure for Crazy.  Their Pal Bon-Bon suggests that Professor Boo Radley might be just the guy to give them the answers they are seeking.

Worst Show and Tell EVER!

For the second time this season, we are subjected to another one of Boo Radley’s boring lectures about the occult . . .

.  . . except this one is about a seriously pissed-off dude named Silas, who literally lives under a rock.  It also raises some questions.  Could this Big Bad Silas guy be “the cure” to vampirism everyone is talking about?  Is Professor Boo Radley his alter ego, a la Clark Kent and Super Man?  Does this mean, I’m going to actually have to start listening to Professor Boo Radley, when he talks instead of sleeping, or taking a bathroom break, because his words might actually be important to the show’s mythology?  Man, I hope not . . .

As Matt cleverly pointed out, during his random chat with Damon at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls (Damon is still ordering drinks for Alaric, by the way.  How adorable is that?) . . .

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 . . . anyone who knows anything in this town is just assumed creepy, until proven otherwise.  And Professor Boo Radley sure does seem to know a lot about The Five.  Not only was he IN CAHOOTS with Hot!Connor, he also seemed to have been IN CAHOOTS! with that wackadoodle Pastor Young from the premiere episode.  Did I mention it was Professor Boo Radley, who conveniently clued in the rest of the Scooby Gang to the information they needed to secure Jeremy Gilbert’s status as a new vampire hunter?

Something smells fishy about Professor Boo Radley, and it’s not just all that gel he uses in his hair, or that his hippy dippy candlelit office probably reeks of patchouli.  It’s something else . ..  something BAAAAAAD . . .

In which we continue our trend of senselessly murdering hybrids, and Caroline takes her turn as the romantic lead . . .

Armed with the information they received about The Five, the Scooby Gang formulates a new two-pronged Save Elena plan.  First, free her from Klaus clutches, with the help of no-longer-sired-to-Klaus-hybrid Chris.  Then, get Jeremy to kill a vampire, thereby activating himself as a new member of The Five, and simultaneously breaking the hold DeadHOT! Connor has on Nutzo!Elena before she kills herself . . . again.

The first part seems like it should be easy.  After all, with Scooby Gang sympathizer Chris guarding her door, all Stefan really has to do is walk right in and free Elena, right.  Except, like I said, Stefan  is the Worst Babysitter in the World!

So, of course, two minutes after Stefan walks through that dungeon door, Elena is all, “Stefan, when did you turn into a hot bald black man who’s trying to kill me? AHHHHHHHH!”

She runs out.  And he loses her, AGAIN . . .

I know I shouldn’t be laughing at Stefan’s pain, and Elena’s psychoses, but I totally am . . .

Over at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Klaus flirts some more with Caroline.  And she uses her feminine wiles to get the Original Hybrid on board with the Scooby Gang’s plan to “activate Jeremy” and “save Elena.”

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Whether your Team Klaroline or Team Forwood, you have to admit, Candice Accola and Joseph Morgan are fun to watch on screen together.  Their chemistry is just so different than the one that exists between Caroline and Tyler, that it makes this new love triangle, which could come off as stale or cliche with lesser actors, something fresh and interesting . . .

That said, I couldn’t have been the only one rolling my eyes, when Klaus told Caroline that if Tyler was still sired to him, the baby hybrid would never hurt the Vampire Barbie.  REALLY?  Says the guy who, just last season, used his sire bond to get Tyler to POISON CAROLINE WITH HIS SALIVA and almost kill her, just so Klaus could come to her rescue?

Here’s some advice, Klaus:  when trying to woo your lady love, play toward your strengths: buying expensive jewelery and dresses, offering up exotic vacations, doing that panty-dropping smirk thing you do, drawing ponies . . .

Save the “Honorable Guy / Hero” stuff for your adversary, Tyler, because it just doesn’t work for you . . .

Shortly thereafter, in a scene that upset me more than I thought it would, Sort-of Anonymous Hybrid Chris runs into Klaus, just moments after helping Team Scooby and paving the way toward his freedom.  The Original Hybrid stabs the poor guy, and then steps aside while Sweet Little Jeremy hacks off the head of yet another hybrid, in order to . . . wait for it . . . SAVE ELENA . . . the only difference is that, unlike the first one he killed, this one was genuinely a nice guy.  Too bad the writers had to go and give him a name . . .

I know a lot of people were disappointed in Tyler for throwing that glass at the wall in anger, upon learning that, not only had he pretty much hand delivered his fellow pack member to certain death, but that Caroline agreed to go on a date with Klaus, in order to ensure that it would happen.  But personally, I think that anger was kind of justified, under the circumstances.  Old Season 1 Tyler probably would have broken a heck of a lot worse than a wine glass, had that happened to him . . .

In which Damon Salvatore saves the day (AND quotes an 80’s movie), all in the same hour!

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Damon uses his expert knowledge of Elena to conclude that her wackadoodle self ran off to Wickory Bridge, i.e. “the place where it all began.”  But before he can find her, we get a fun little scene where The Ghost of Elena’s Vampire Present (Hot!DEAD! Connor), and the Ghost of Elena’s Evil! Vampire Future (Missing! Vampire Katherine) team up with the Ghost of Elena’s Not-So-Vampire Past (Mommy!) team up for a fun little game I like to call “Get Elena to kill herself.”

Now, if Connor Ghost was creepy, and Katherine Ghost was intellectually satisfying, Mommy Ghost was just frigging hilarious, though,  I suspect the last was not entirely intentional.  Come on . . . the blank expression she had on her face . . . the Stepford Wife smile . . . her complete lack of irony, as she told Elena, “Hey, you were an awesome human daughter, but as a vampire, you suck.  You should totally throw yourself off the bridge, honey, and join your underwater parents, whose corpses might still be there.  It’s what a Good Daughter would do . . .

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“Hmmm . . . I wonder what I’m having for dinner tonight.  I’m so tired of fish.”

Dramatic music blares in the background, as Elena stares over the bridge, and THROWS AWAY HER SUNSCREEN RING . . .

Now, that’s just a waste of perfectly good jewelry, not to mention environmentally unsound.  Just think about all the fish with insanely small heads who might choke on that ring . . .

Fortunately, Yummy Damon appears just moments after Jeremy chopped off Poor Chris’ head, thereby breaking the Suicide Spell on Elena FOREVER . . . or, at least, until the show comes up with another Spell That Puts Elena’s Life in Danger . . .

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The two of them exchange A LOOK . . . you know, the one.  It’s a look that says.

DAMON: “Hey sexy.  I’m so glad your still dead, but not, you know . . . DEAD, DEAD.  I’d really like to have sex with you right here on this bridge, where you keep almost dying.”

ELENA: “Hey hot stuff.  I’m so glad you came to see me at the exact same spot where I chose Stefan over you, and was punished for doing so by DYING.  Also, I’d really like to have sex with you right on this bridge, because why not?“

Then, the SUN COMES UP, which would normally be poignant and romantic . . . a metaphor for LIFE AND HOPE, except . . .

Well . . . this is a dead chick we’re talking about who just threw her sunscreen ring in river, so . . . OOPS.

Worry not, it’s Damon to the rescue!  He grabs Elena, and jumps into the water with her like Superman, saving her supernatural jewelry, just like he saved her vervain necklace, back in the day.

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Except, this time, Elena is SUPER APPRECIATIVE .  . . so appreciative that when Damon comes to see her in her bedroom the following morning she . . . wait for it . . .

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. . . fondles his . . . fingers.

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DARN . . . so close, right?  But wait . . . there’s more.

“It’s not you, it’s me . . . and my vampire sex urges for your older brother.”

Elena and Stefan have a heart to heart on the porch, after self-sacrificing brother extraordinaire Damon finally came clean to Elena about the whole “vampire cure” thing.  But for those of us who assumed we’d be subjected to YET another Stelena makeup scene, BOY were we wrong.  In a confession that literally caused my jaw to drop, Elena admitted to Stefan that her feelings for DAMON were growing stronger, and that she was not the same person with whom Stefan fell in love.

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And in a confession that dropped my jaw further, Stefan AGREED.

And then, they BROKE UP!

Holy crap!  For four years, Delena fans have been waiting for Elena to FINALLY recognize and give in to her romantic feelings for Damon.  But we never expected it to happen like this . . . It all just seemed so . . .matter-of-fact?

In a way, it’s the perfect time for the writers to explore the Delena relationship.  Not only does it give a nice nod to how Damon and Elena came together in the book series, it also makes sense.  While Stefan’s adoration of Elena remains largely fixated on the person she was . . . Damon has shown her, time and time, again, this season, that he loves, not only the young woman she was, but also the vampire she’s becoming . . .  His love is without condition or judgment.

It is accepting of Elena’s new-found impulses and flaws.  And while Elena is learning to accept her new self, she needs to be with the kind of man who can accept her too . . .

If I had to express one gripe about the way all this went down, it would be that, in the context of the season, it seemed to come a bit out of left field.  I mean, sure, Delena fans have all spent long hours analyzing scenes that show Elena fighting her unresolved passions for Damon.  But if we are to believe now that Elena feels MORE passionate about Damon, since becoming a vampire, I would have liked to have seen a scene or two, before she made her confession, which illustrated this . . .

Because aside from that one that one scene at the frat party . . .

. . . and a very short scene, in which Elena appeared to be checking out Damon’s shlong, we haven’t really gotten much of that so far this season.

Then again, I strongly suspect that the best is yet to come.  After all, anyone who’s ever had a secret crush knows that it’s when you actually verbalize it to your friends that it becomes the most real.  Suddenly, those feelings are out there in the world, and “playing it cool.” is simply no longer an option.

Just in time for the Miss Mystic Falls pageant. . .

Until next time, Fangbangers!

Hold on to your heart! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Killer”

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“With all the stress of My First Murder, I forgot to clean my bathroom, this week.  Do you think anyone will notice?”

Greetings Fangbangers!  This week’s installment of TVD was all about the things we do for love!

For example, Connor Jordan loved his Presto Chango / Invisible Ink tattoo so much, he spent all his spare time feeding it with dead vampires . . . even though doing that meant he had to live in a lame trailer, have no friends, and never ever get laid, despite being massively sexy, in a psychotic sort of way.

Klaus Mikaelson loves his hybrids so much that he is willing to send them all to certain death, in order to protect Elena (his hybrid-making machine) Yeah, it doesn’t make sense to me either.

Damon loves Stefan so much, that he is willing to actually stick his hand inside his brother’s chest, just so that he can hold on to the latter’s heart, while the two are engaged in casual conversation . . .

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“I don’t know, Stefan . . . I kind of thought it would be . . . bigger.”

So hold on to your heart strings, watch out for trip wires, and try not to let your imaginary friend bloody up your bathroom, because it’s time for another TVD-cap . . .

Fun with Hypnosis . . .

Here’s something new!  Meet Professor Boo Radley Shane.  He is a freak of nature in Mystic Falls, because, unlike any other male character on this show, he actually gives more craps about keeping Bonnie alive than Elena.  So WEIRD, right?

*text messages writers, and orders them to kill off Professor Shane in three episodes*

Last week, TVD fans were shocked to learn that Professor Boo Radley and the hot-yet-destined-to-die-in-four-episodes Connor McVampire Killer were in COHOOTS with one another!

“Oh no!  Not COHOOTS, anything but COHOOTS!“

Actually, we weren’t all that shocked, because we could generally care less about Professor Boo Radley and his snoozy classes at Fakey McFake University.  But that’s neither here nor there . . .

Anywhoo . . . this week, Professor Boo Radley and Muscles Van Trailer Park chat cryptically about their plans for our Scooby Gang.  Muscles’ plan involves basically murdering them all, so he can finish his Magic Body Maze, and learn his character’s own back story.

“It would be a shame to die without ever knowing why God made me look so good naked  . . .”

Professor Boo Radley’s plans are a bit more hazy.  In fact, we still have no clue what they are, beyond the fact that, in order for them to work, Bonnie has to be not-dead.

To be honest, nothing much happens in this part of the story.  Basically, Professor Boo Radley uses Jedi mind tricks, boring speeches about “not fearing your witchy powers,” and his complete lack of personality to  lull our resident witch into a comatose stupor for seven hours.  This way, she’ll forget to be the plot device that rescues all the more important characters on the show!

No need to be embarrassed, Bonnie.  Most of the audience fell asleep during this part too.

And guess what?  His EvilGenius! Plan works!  P.S. Bonnie also lit some candles with her MIND, which is SUPER COOL . . .

Yeah, because THAT’S not a fire hazard at all . . .

. . . or, at least it was super cool . . . You know, before we discovered electricity, and stuff  . . .

Speaking of mental manipulation . . .

Sorry, April Young!  It looks like we are going to have to erase your brain again, this week!

It’s characters like April Young that make me wonder about the cumulative effects of vampire compulsion on the human psyche.  Have you ever pressed so hard, while using an eraser, that you poked a hole in the paper?  That’s what I fear is starting to happen to April Young’s brain.

*crickets*

I mean, think about it.  Girlfriend has been compelled at least once in every single solitary episode in which she’s appeared.  She’s already lost at least five days of her life.   Possibly more.  How much longer, before her brain just gets tired of being erased, and starts staying empty, as a form of self defense?

It wouldn’t be the first time . . .

When we first see April, this week, she’s paying a visit to the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls to inquire after her good buddy, Rebekah.  You guys remember, Rebekah, right?  Cute . . . blonde . . .  met the pointy side of the Nap Time for Originals Dagger, last week .  . .

Matt doesn’t have a clue where Klaus Barbie is hiding.   And he doesn’t care, thank you very much!  In fact, Matt’s much more concerned with the whereabouts of a certain Mini Gilbert, who is (gasp) 30 minutes late for work . . .

This is bad . . . especially when you consider the fact that Matt and Jeremy seem to be the only two people who actually work at this bar.  Seriously, I’ve never seen a manager, another waiter, or bartender . . . not even a dishwasher.  Nobody ever seems to lift a plate in this place, aside from CinderMatt.  If anyone is in need of a Fairy Godmother, it’s this guy!

Sorry Matt, it turned back into a pumpkin at midnight . . .

Little does Matt know that JerBear is currently being held at gunpoint by Baldy Vin Sexyvillain.

The latter then promptly takes Matt and April hostage too, right there in the bar.  Now, that’s just inconsiderate!  What the heck are the town’s resident alcoholics going to do, when they see the sign outside the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls that says : Closed Due to Hostage Crisis.  Come Back Later?

Alaric Saltzman must be rolling over in his grave!

I hope, for their sakes, that the Only Liquor Store in Mystic Falls opens early . . .

Connor then sends out a text message to Klaus, Stefan, Damon and Tyler, warning them that if they don’t retrieve their pet humans by sundown, HEADS WILL ROLL . . .

“Yippee!  I can add them to my collection!”

Hmmm . . . I’m just curious how Connor managed to get all these guys’ cell phone numbers.  Do they come free with the tattoo?

Back home, it’s time for another Pow Wow of Sexiness and Plot Development, courtesy of our Scooby Gang.  We haven’t had one of those in a while, have we?  True to form, both Damon and Tyler are all, “Let’s kill this Hunky Bastard!  Villains on this show, who aren’t Klaus, are only supposed to live three episodes.  He’s already had four!  Dude is on borrowed time, Man!”

“Don’t be greedy, Connor.  It’s time to let the next bad guy move into the Villain Timeshare Trailer.”

Also true to form, Stefan is all, “Let’s not kill the Big Bad Vampire Hunter, because killing is bad . . . except, when I’m the Ripper, because then killing is awesome.  P.S. My boyfriend Klaus evoked the “Save Elena” clause in our F*ck Buddy contract, rendering me puddy in his Big Burly Original Hybrid Hands.

“Oops, wrong season.  What I mean to say is . . .”

“Humans are blessed creatures, even the ones who like to chop off our heads and use them as hat racks.”

Though Elena’s fierce love for her brother, and new-found vampire-y killer instincts, make her more partial to Damon’s and Tyler’s point of view, she ultimately decides to support Saint Stefan, and his lame, non-violent, approach to hostage rescue . . . at least, for now BO-RING!

Speaking of Elena, for someone who supposedly LOOOOOVES Stefan . . . only Stefan . . . always Stefan . . . she sure was quick to find an excuse to jump Damon in bed, straddle him, and taunt him with a phallic object, wasn’t she?

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Some of my favorite Damon and Elena moments, last season, featured them aggressively fondling one another, while trading grunts and moans of ecstasy “training to fight vampires.”  So, it was really nice to see that sexy, rough and tumble, aspect of their relationship revisited this week.

“For someone who doesn’t want to be like me, you sure are good at it,” Damon notes, with a mixture of admiration and apparent arousal, as Elena hovers breathlessly over him, a tantalizing prelude to something more . . .

Later on in the episode, Stefan will complain that he doesn’t “recognize” the person post-vampire Elena has become.  But, to me, Damon’s and Elena’s flirtatious fight scenes are proof that Elena’s fierceness and aggressive nature existed long before she drowned, underneath the Wickory Bridge . . .

Speaking of aggressive . . .

Tyler Lockwood . . . not quite as big of a male slut as we once thought . . .

It’s been a while since we’ve seen Caroline’s kitty claws come out, in defense of her man.  But that’s exactly what happened this week, when she came face-to-face with Hayley, i.e. the werewolf who watched Tyler get naked and sweaty repeatedly for six months, while he “broke his sire bond.”  (Now, if that doesn’t sound like a euphemism for sex, I don’t know what does!)

Now, of course,  I always am, and always will be 100% Team Caroline.  That said, I couldn’t help but grudgingly respect Hayley for refusing to engage in a girl fight with Caroline, despite being provoked to do so.  “I don’t do Girl Drama.  Talk to Ty,” she said coolly, before exiting, stage left.

Later, Caroline’s “I’m being cheated on” senses start tingling again, when she spots Tyler and Hayley embracing over the shared lost of a mutual hybrid friend.  (More on that unlucky bastard, later.)

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“Why is my boyfriend dry humping the mean witch from The Secret Circle?”

Tyler, of course, assures Caroline that he and Hayley are “just friends.”  (We’ve all heard that one before, haven’t we?)

But Tyler takes his defense one step further, explaining that he and Hayley are actually plotting a Hybrid Revolt against Klaus, whereby they will teach other hybrids to break the “I am Klaus’ B*tch” hold he has over all of them.  He claims to have allowed Klaus to believe he was cheating on Caroline with Hayley, in order to throw him off the scent of what was really going on . . .

Do we believe Tyler?  For now, I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.  Then again, it’s possible that the fact that Tyler looks so great with his shirt off is clouding my judgement.

Mmmmmm . . . pretttttttttyyyyyy

I guess we will soon find out, either way . . .

Stefan Salvatore . . . proving once again that you don’t actually have to be a hybrid to be Klaus’ b*tch . . .

While Klaus is away playing Find the Majestic Penis Sword, his boyfriend Stefan keeps himself busy, by carrying out the former’s Super Secret Plan to extract Villain-of-the-Week Connor and his Magical Maze tattoo from the hostage den.  This way, Team Ripper can use Connor’s hot bod to Cure Elena of Icky Vampirism.

Klaus and Stefan . . . saving The World . . . one Brokeback Mountain at a time . . .

Klaus gets his hybrids.  Stefan gets his “angelic girlfriend” back.  And Elena can stop writing massively depressing diary entries, like the one she wrote at the beginning of the episode.  Everybody wins, right?

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Now, remind me why this “plan” had to be kept a Super Secret, again?  Because it seems to me that both Damon and Elena would have been a lot more amenable to following Stefan’s lead, had he actually TOLD them why he was doing things this way.  Instead, Stefan just acted shady, ignored both of their phone calls, and . . . oh yeah . . . STAKED DAMON WITH VERVAIN, AND STOLE HIS SUNSCREEN RING!

This is probably one of those situations where plot necessity gets in the way of character consistency and logic, right?

I thought so . . .

Unnecessary secrecy aside, Klaus’ and Stefan’s “Master Plan” to “save” Connor seemed kind of . . . how do I put this nicely . . . dumb?  I mean, come on, here is a guy who loves killing vampires so much that he’s WALKING AROUND WITH THE DECAPITATED HEAD OF THE ONE HE KILLED IN THE LAST EPISODE, and using it’s spit to make explosives.  (By the way, do decapitated heads really continue to produce saliva?  Creepy!)

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We’re not exactly talking garden-variety evil here.  This dude is f*&ked up with a capital “F.”  And he’s got three people you care about,  in his clutches.  (Well . . . two people you care about,  and one April.)

Now, I’m no army strategist.  But to me, when you have soldiers in danger, in a room, that is likely rigged with explosives, sending in one of your men to basically get himself, and everyone else in the place, blown up (Sorry, random hybrid with the literal gaping hole in your heart!), seems like a BAD IDEA.

Meanwhile, back in the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Current Vampire Hunter Connor continues to flirt with his hostage Future Vampire Hunter Jeremy, in what I imagine is some form of Reverse Stockholm Syndrome.  Hunky McCrazy brags to Jeremy that he is so gung ho about killing vamps, he even killed his best friend, after she became one.  Aww, what a sweet story!

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Elsewhere, Matt, i.e. the second-to-last-person-in-Mystic-Falls-to-learn-that-vampires-exist, tries to tell April, i.e. the-only-person-in-Mystic-Falls-to-not-know-vampires-exist that this hostage situation is perfectly normal, and has absolutely nothing to do with supernatural creatures, NO SIR!  In the back of the bar, Matt manages to find the opening to some underground railroad tunnel, which, conveniently enough is the route by which our  Scooby Gang is planning its rescue.

“I mean, seriously April, how could Stefan be a vampire, when he doesn’t even sparkle like that Twilight guy?“

Hovering over a still unconscious Damon, Elena sees an explosion go off at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, and becomes restless to save her baby bro.  She tells Damon that even though she is a week-old vampire, she should TOTALLY be able to take on a supernaturally-endowed Vampire Hunter who has already beaten the crap out of multiple hybrids, not to mention, Damon, himself!

Damon, who’s strong desire to get into Elena’s vampire pants, seems to have clouded his judgment a bit this week, says “Sure!  Go ahead.  Put yourself in harms way, and battle the murderous psychopath, who already almost killed you with werewolf venom, once.  No problem!”

“Doh!  Must . . . stop . . . thinking  . . . with . . . weiner . . .”

By the time Elena arrives at the Only Bar . . . etc. a hostage standoff is already in progress.  Stefan is trying to convince Connor to “turn himself in” so that he can “learn his backstory from Klaus.”  Elena overhears this, and is furious.  She enters, pleading for Jeremy’s life, and, when that fails, vamps out on the vampire hunter’s ass.

Elena gets so invested in her own fighting skills, she fails to notice that (1) Connor has shot Jeremy; and (2) Stefan took Connor out of the room five minutes ago.  Elena has been fighting with herself the whole time.  HAHA!

*texts writers, instructing them to kill off the mean, snarky, TV Recapper within three episodes”

While curing her brother with her vampire blood, Elena learns about Jeremy’s recent Nude Art Escapades with Connor, and how Stefan compelled him to forget it all.  Furious, Elena heads out in pursuit of the Guy-Who-Almost-But-Didn’t-Quite-Kill-Her-Brother-Ex-Boyfriend-and-Some-Chick-Named-April . . .

Meanwhile, Damon meets Stefan in the tunnel for a little heart-to-heart . . . and by heart-to-heart, I mean, Damon grabs a hold of Stefan’s heart inside his chest, and starts wiggling his hand around, while the two engage in conversation.  Stefan thinks to himself, “Hey, that tickles!”

He also thinks to himself, “Now would probably be a good time to tell Damon about the whole “Cure for Elena’s Vampirism” thing.

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This convinces Damon to give Stefan back his heart.  But it would have convinced me to PULL IT OUT!  I’d be so pissed off, if I were Damon.  I’d be bashing Stefan’s heart with a sledgehammer, while screaming at the top of my lungs.  “THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.  IF YOU DIDN’T DO THIS, WE COULD HAVE SKIPPED OVER NEXT WEEK’S EPISODE ENTIRELY, AND GONE STRAIGHT TO THE MISS MYSTIC FALLS ONE!  I WANT TO GET MY DANCE ON, DAMMIT!”

Oh, and I almost forgot . . . Elena killed Connor.  . .

That’s right . . . first she bit him, than she broke his neck, then she tried to bury him, with his dried blood still caked across her mouth.

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Honestly, I’ll never understand that.  What exactly do vampires have against napkins?

“Don’t worry.  This isn’t blood.  I’m just really bad at putting on lipstick.”

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Damon and Stefan find a very distraught Elena in the woods, and silently marvel at her uncanny ability to screw up all Scooby Gang plans, even the ones she isn’t aware exist.  They decide not to tell her about the whole “cure for vampirism” thing.  You know, because keeping secrets from one another has served the SO well, in the past . . .

DAMON:  “Hey Stefan, you have a little something on your shirt.”

STEFAN:  “Yeah, and whose fault is that, ASSHOLE?”

In other “secrets” news, Mini Gilbert’s got a bitchin’ new tattoo!  I guess Connor was right, when he said, once he dies someone new will take his place.  And we all know how much fun Jeremy had wacking off the noggin of that hybrid, last season, right?  He’ll complete the Magic Maze in no time!

“Why do I have this sudden urge to murder my sister?”

Oh, and Jeremy also gave April Young his vervain bracelet, to keep her brain from turning into cottage cheese, as a result of all of that compulsion.  (You might remember it as the bracelet Jeremy received from Anna back in Season 1.  This only serves to remind me of how much cooler Anna was than April.  *sigh*)

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Apparently, hunters who descend from The Five are immune to compulsion anyway, so he won’t be needing it anymore.  Still, it’s a pretty significant sacrifice to make for a guest star, who will probably be dead in three episodes, anyway.  Then again, I guess, once she dies, you can take back the bracelet, Jer Bear.

In which Damon Salvatore loves Elena Gilbert just the way she is . . . even though she forgets to wipe her mouth, after she eats

In what was probably my second favorite scene in the episode (the first, obviously being the Delena Straddle Sex one), Damon agrees to help Stefan continue to search for the cure for Elena’s vampirism.  During their conversation, Stefan admits to being not all that crazy about the fanger Elena is becoming.

To which, Damon gallantly responds . . .

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Who would have thought the nefarious Damon we met back in early Season 1 would end up being the Salvatore brother more capable of unconditional love?

As I mentioned earlier, I find it hard to believe, and a bit disconcerting, that Elena has been a vampire for only about a week, and already Stefan is complaining that he “doesn’t recognize her.”  Really?  Because, aside from the occasional vamp out, she doesn’t seem all that different to me.  In fact, I kind of wish the writers would be bold enough to explore her darkside more, not less . . .

If there was ever any doubt in my mind that Stefan idealized and put Human Elena on a pedestal, it’s gone now . . .

Speaking of gone, it appears that Elena’s mind is taking a little detour.  In the final scene of the episode, she envisions her bathroom bathed in blood, and the word “Killer” etched on her bathroom mirror.

Is this merely a psychological manifestation of the guilt Elena feels over her first kill?  Has she accidentally stepped into a straight-to-video version of the I Know What you did Last Summer film franchise?

Or, is something more sinister afoot.

Tune in next week to find out.  Until then, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

A Case of the Munchies – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Five”

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Are your tummies growling, Fangbangers?  There was a whole lot of “messy eating” going on this week, on The Vampire Diaries. Vampires ate college coeds . . . vampire hunters ate hybrids” ears . . . The Original Family ate . . . chicken and vegetables?

I don’t know about you.  But I’ve personally been starving for some serious fang action, all week!

So, tie on a nice big bib, and polish that silverware, because it’s time to share a hearty meal with your favorite vampires in Mystic Falls . . .

Today’s Episode is brought to you by the letter “H” (for Hot Sweaty Shirtless Men) and, of course, the number “five”

I’m willing to bet that a lot more moms would watch Sesame Street with their kids, if the show taught tots how to count, this way.  Kudos, Julie Plec and Co.  This scene is Male Objectification in its purest form.  And it is, in a word, AWESOME!

The episode begins, way back in 1110 A.D.  Some old witchy lady with Crazy Witchy Lady Hair is hanging out in the BadThingsAlwaysHappenHere! Forest with what appear to be five strippers from some Game of Thrones-themed Male Review.

Is that a Storm of Swords in your pocket, or are you just happy to be on TVD?

The half naked men form a circle around her, and stare blankly into space, while she holds a fiery cauldron triumphantly above her head, like it’s Baby Simba at the beginning of the Lion King.  She’s even chanting gibberish, like they do at the beginning of that movie!

“NAAAAAAH SVENYAHHHH MAMAGICHI WAWAHHHHHHH!”

Then, Witchy Lady lowers the cauldron and the fire branches out to the five men, who, from VERY far away (1) look like they are EXTREMELY hung; and (2) appear to be pissing out flames.  I bet they can’t do that on Game of Thrones!

This gives a whole new meaning to the term “fire crotch.”

But the fun is far from over!  Next up, everyone gets their Magical Tattoos!

“Duuuuude!  That hurt even less than that time on my 18th birthday, when I drank an entire bottle of tequila, and woke up with my ex-girlfriend’s name tattooed on my Fire Crotch!”

Meanwhile, back in the present day . . .

Deny, Deny, Deny . . .

 De-Nile may very well be a river in Egypt, but it’s also got a pretty steady current running through Mystic Falls.  We see plenty of denial going on around town, during the first few minutes of the episode.  Damon still actually thinks Connor is dead . . .

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This is despite the reality of Damon never actually having seen the vampire hunter’s corpse.  Not to mention the well-known fact that the gods of Mystic Falls would never, EVER, allow a hot male villain, like Connor, to croak, without getting him to take his shirt off at least once.

Also in denial?  Stefan.  He thinks he’s “totally over” Damon’s and Elena’s little hand-suck blood exchange, a couple weeks back.

Yeah, this guy?  He’s not jealous of his brother at all!  No sir!  Not a bit!

Speaking of denial . . . sure Elena, Stefan has nothing to worry about.  Just because you are going to an all-night frat party with Damon, doesn’t mean that you are going to spend the entire night dry humping him on the dance floor, and/or sucking on his fingers.  You’re DEFINITELY going to be 100% faithful to Stefan . . . He’s your “boo,” after all, isn’t he?

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Oh, and might I add, that “convenient” explanation as to why Elena could ONLY learn how to feed from that sexy studmuffin / awesome kisser Damon, and not from Caroline, because she’s “too good” at controlling her vampire urges?

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That’s a TOTAL crock of dog poo!  Need we all be reminded of an incident, back in Season 2, that I like to lovingly refer to as “Carter-gate?”

So much self control!  She even managed to brush her hair out of her eyes, before snapping his neck with her teeth.  Honestly, I don’t know how she does it!

Still more stops on the Denial Train.  Next we have Beks, who is stalking Matt Donovan at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.  She mistakenly believes she can still get into his pants, despite the whole, “sending his car over the Wickory Bridge” thing.

I think it drowned, Matt  . . . along with your dignity.

Desperate for redemption (and nookie), Rebekah even goes so far as to buy Matt . . . wait for it . . . A BRAND NEW CAR!

OMG!  Rebekah Michaelson is like Richard Gere, and Matt Donovan is her Pretty Woman . . .   Except, money can’t buy Matt’s love!  He’s keeping the car, but he still won’t kiss Rebekah on the mouth . . . too personal.

Heck, I’d kiss Rebekah on the mouth for a new car.  And I don’t even roll that way.  Go figure . . .

Don’t you just hate it when your family members are around to see you strike out with the opposite sex?  Poor Rebekah!  Klaus is sitting at the bar, ready and waiting with a “He’s just not that into you,” speech.

“You had to start with a car?  You couldn’t have gone with something less expensive?  Like a lottery ticket?  Or a lollipop?“

Klaus knows that Rebekah is still pissed at him for, you know, not appreciating her, and stuff.  But he still has information for her about “The Five.”  Rebekah pretends she doesn’t care.  But we all know she TOTALLY does . . .

“What can I say?  I wear my heart on my sleeve . . . no, I mean literally on my sleeve, like a big fat bloody cufflink.

Hot for Teacher, Not for Frat Boy

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Did you know that, before she was “That Old Lady Who Died Twice on The Vampire Diaries,” Bonnie’s grams was a college professor, who specialized in the occult?

Well, now you do!

What a convenient way to get Bonnie, Elena and Damon to road trip to “college,” while, at the same time, introducing a new fairly attractive, Alaric Saltzman 2.0 type, who may or may not end up being a villain and/or a witchy new love interest for Bonnie . . .  Anywhoo, he lectures about witches, and blah, blah, blah . . .

 Meanwhile Damon instructs Elena on the best, and worst types of people to feed off of . . .

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I assumed Damon would advocate eating fat people (MORE MEATY!).  But, instead, he instructed Elena to suck on airheads and the self-absorbed. (LESS CALORIES?)

(Fun Fact: Nerdy girls are bad meals, because, apparently, they are instinctively mistrustful of people who are nice to them.  So, at this point, I’d like to say, to all my fellow nerd girls out there, HOLLA!)

While Bonnie wanders off to have some more boring conversation with Professor Boo Radley, or whatever, Damon coaches Elena through her first feed.

Things start off well enough.  But then Self-Absorbed!Girl inadvertently shows Elena a picture of her baby sister, and Elena FREAKS OUT!  (Honestly, I think the emotional impact of the failed “tasting,” would have been more effective, if the little girl was Miss Would-Be Blood Bag’s daughter.  Now, that would have been poignant.  But baby sister?  Meh!)

No worries!  Damon’s got a better idea!  He decides to take Elena to a frat party.  You know, because everyone who goes to frat parties MUST, by definition, be a terrible person, worthy of bloody neck hickies.  Also, no one who goes to frat parties has a baby sister . . .

Once again, out of convenience, the frat party in question, has a death theme.  (You’ll learn why that’s convenient in a bit.)  Also, out of convenience, Hot Professor Boo Radley just so happens to be attending the party.  Because, lord knows, underage kids throwing kegger parties just LOOOVE to invite late 30-something looking teacher types to witness their debauchery and misdemeanors . . .

“I thought she was 18 . .  . I mean . . . I thought she was 21 . . . I mean . . . Someone put something in my drink?”

In what I can only assume was an “inside joke,” Damon arrives at the party dressed as Jack the Ripper, with Elena and Bonnie traveling in tow, as his “victims.”  (Take THAT, Ripper Stefan!)

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Elena finds a  frat boy, who, by roofie-ing a girl’s drink in plain view, renders himself just douchebaggy enough that Elena can feed off of him, without offending her “personal moral code.”  (Also, we can all assume he’s an only child.  Or, if not, an only child, at least doesn’t carry around a cute picture of his sibling on his cell phone.)

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Elena munches heartily, and immediately becomes swept up in the euphoria of Vampire’s First Feeding Frenzy.  “I want more,” she whispers seductively in Damon’s ear . . .

So, does he, Elena . . . So does he . . .

Eventually, Elena’s whole Dexter the Vampire rationale of “I only eat BAAADDDD PEOPLE,” goes right out the window.  We see her later chomping on an innocent looking chica, who most definitely had an iPhone filled with adorable siblings.  No matter!  Elena was having much to much fun, to concern herself with petty details like morality.

And we all know what Elena does, whenever she’s having fun, right?  You guessed it!  It’s DelenaDANCESEX time!

I know a lot of people had mixed opinions about this scene.  But I, for one, absolutely adored it.  I loved how messy it was . . . how Damon and Elena were more drunkenly swaying than actually dancing.  I loved how sweaty they were, how mussed both of their hair was, how their eyes looked bleary, glassy, and heavy lidded.

I even loved the ridiculousness of the fact that neither of them thought to wipe off the nasty-ass blood dripping from their mouths onto their shirts, despite the fact that, no matter how drunk people were at this party, surely SOMEONE would have noticed that.

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Believe it or not, I think the sloppiness of the scene gave it an added sense of realism.  If submitting to blood lust is a metaphor for being really drunk, or really high on drugs like ecstasy or heroine, it makes sense that the blood lusters would look and act like inebriated people.  People who were truly living in the moment . . . not thinking, just feeling, and enjoying life . . . not caring what other onlookers might think of them.

Then, of course Cock Block Extraordinaire Bonnie has to pop by, in order to give Elena THAT LOOK . . . You know the one.  It’s that all-too-familiar Judgy Bonnie look . . . the one that never fails to bring Elena right back to her boring self . . . which, of course, is Bonnie’s most impressive Super Power . . . MESMERIZING DULLNESS . . .

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Judge not, lest Bonnie ALWAYS judges . . .

Elena scampers off in tears.  She wants to go home, dammit!  Damon, understandably, is a bit “miffed” by it all . . .

Try not to take it too personally, Damon.  I think Elena’s just feeling guilty about chowing down on too many douchebag blood carbs.  Now, she’ll NEVER be able to fit into that Miss Mystic Falls Gown!

Back home, and hanging out on Elena’s front porch, Elena and Damon engage in another version of what is basically the exact same conversation they have with one another every few episodes.  And it basically boils down to this:  Damon is a BAD BOY.  Elena wants to be a GOOD GIRL.  She’s afraid that if she keeps hanging out with Damon, she will have wild, crazy, amazing vampire sex with him, and never ever want to stop . . . also become a BAD GIRL.  So, she has to stay with Stefan, because he’s . . . you know . . . “good” and stuff at least, when he’s not murdering thousands of people across the Eastern Seaboard.

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Stefan pops up on the porch, before things between Damon and Elena can get more heated (Geez, he and Bonnie make a great pair. TEAM COCKBLOCK!)  Cue Elena b*tching and whining about how AWFUL it was drinking that SCARY blood from those SCARY college coeds’ necks.  Oh, how she wishes she could have been home eating bunnies with Stefan . . . or knitting socks, or whatever it is “good” vampires are supposed to do on Friday nights . . .

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Little does she know that Stefan has spent his day plotting and scheming with the baddest vampire around . . . his Secret Boyfriend Klaus . . .

50 Shades of Connor Jordan

My that Klaus!  He really is a kinky bastard, isn’t he?  I mean, I totally get why he needed to chain up the Big Bad Vampire Hunter, who is undoubtedly the key to his Next Big Plan!  But putting him up against the wall, spread-eagled, half-naked, and, probably under a heat lamp (because no one sweats that much inside an air-conditioned home in the middle of Fall)?  Come on, that was obviously an exhibition of Klaus’ S&M fantasies come true.  (Watch out Caroline . . . and Stefan.  Because you are both soooo next!

Speaking of kinky, another one of my favorite scenes this week was the one where one of Klaus’ nameless soon-to-be-dead hybrids comes to “tighten up” Connor’s S&M chains, and the vampire hunter ends up BITING OFF A RATHER LARGE CHUNK OF HIS EAR!

Seriously!  I was not expecting that!

Cooler still?  Connor actually had a logical reason for doing this, one that much more complex than a simple “I was hungry,” or “Hybrid ears taste like chicken.”

Nope . . . Connor bit Random Hybrid’s ear to STEAL HIS EARRING, AND USE IT TO UNLOCK HIS CHAINS!  POSITIVELY GENIUS!

Smoke em if you’ve got em SUCKAS!

[Random sidenote:  When I was a little kid, I used to drink a lot of Shirley Temples at parties.  And if you’ve ever had a Shirley Temple, you know they come with a cherry garnish.  Anyway, rumor has it that if you can  tie a cherry stem into a knot with your tongue alone, that means you are a good kisser, and . . . if not . . . well . . .

Unfortunately, it’s something I’ve never been able to manage.  Take from that what you will.  All I can say is, given how tongue and teeth challenged I apparently am, I can 100% appreciate Connor Jordan’s ORAL PROWESS.  It also makes me really want to make out with him . . . like . . . a lot.]

“And I’m too sexy for your ear .  . . too sexy for your ear, too sexy, my dear!”

We’ll get back to Connor, and his teeth, in just a moment.  But for now, let’s get back to Kinky Klaus and Studly Stefan, shall we?

It’s Time for Another Round of Ye Old Important Flashbacks . . .

Ever since Stefan showed up on his doorstep, sniffing around for information about The Five, Klaus has been hitting on him, in a major way.  He’s definitely putting out all the stops . . . inviting him into his home, flattering him, invading his personal space, batting his puppy dog eyes.  As I’ve been genuinely missing these two’s weekly game of Hide the Salami for quite some time (Ahhh . . . memories of Early Season 3), it was nice to see it again this week.

Klaus’ rationale for hitting on Stefan (aside from the obvious, of course) is that he wants Stefan to convince Rebekah to tell them  both what she knows about The Five.  Through the use of flashbacks (and lots of goofy lion’s mane wigs), we learn that Rebekah used to occasionally hump one of these mystical FIVE, back in the day.  And that he, may or may not, have pillow-talked all his dirty secrets to the Original Vamp.

“I’ll show you my fangs, if you show me your fire crotch.”

Stefan is initially immune to Klaus’ charms,  until Klaus evokes the magical spell that never fails to make Stefan puddy in his hands.  Just in case you ever happen to run into Stefan, and want him to become your sex slave, I’d be more than happy to share the words of this spell with you.  Here it is: “DO IT FOR ELENA.”

Yes, once again, Klaus has made Stefan his loyal puppy dog, by evoking the Elena Clause in their Occasional F*ck Buddy Contract.  Stefan pops by the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, where Rebekah apparently still hasn’t moved, since being rejected by Matt there hours ago.  Maybe she’s under the “DO IT FOR ELENA” spell too . . .  Stefan somehow convinces Rebekah to temporarily play nice with her brother.  And eventually the three end up making plans for dinner.

(By the way, remember when Rebekah and Stefan used to be in loooooove with one another?  Because, sometimes, I feel like the writers don’t remember it at all . . .)

The Scene that Will Inevitably Spawn 1,000 Jeremy/Connor Slash Fanfics

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Meanwhile, back at the Hybrid House of Horrors, Klaus, remembering that a couple of weeks ago, Jeremy went from being “Elena’s Little Brother – That Kid Who Sees Dead People” to “Elena’s Little Brother – That Kid Who Sees Dead Ancient Invisible Ink Tattoos,” kidnaps  invites Mini Gilbert over for an impromptu art session, whereby Jeremy will draw the tatts from Connor’s Hot Glistening Body.  (Mental Note:  Time to sign up for one of those art classes, where you sit for an hour each week, and draw naked people.  It’s suddenly sounding like a great idea!)

“Just let your Inner Goddess fly free!”

Connor is a little pouty with Jeremy.  Because he thought the two of them were TATT BROTHERS, and now, here Jeremy is “drawing for the Enemy.”  To this valid accusation, Jeremy responds, more or less . . . wait for it . . . “I’M DOING IT FOR ELENA.”

“Oh, well, if you are DOING IT FOR ELENA, than I forgive you,” replies Connor.  (Just kidding . . . sort of.)

Connor explains to Jeremy that his ability to see the tattoo marks him as a “potential” SUPER Vampire Hunter (which sounds very Buffy the Vampire Slayer-y to me).  He also explains how his tattoos grow each time he murders another vampire.  Well, that sure is cost-efficient.  Tattoos can be expensive!

What we eventually learn is that, as bad ass a vampire hunter as Connor might be, he’s apparently not bad ass enough to have a complete Vampire-Killing Arm Tattoo.  Klaus examines Jeremy’s drawing and finds it to be woefully incomplete . . . FOR NOW . . .

Ye Olde Flashbacks 2: Electric Boogaloo

A little while later, Klaus, Stefan and Rebekah sit down for one of their deliciously dysfunctional family dinners.  I always love it when Klaus caters a meal on this show.  He always puts about ten fancy courses of food on the table, and then NOBODY EVER EATS!

That’s got to really dust his doilies, don’t you think?  Maybe he should start spiking the dishes with Soccer Mom blood.  Then, at least, he wouldn’t have so many leftovers . . .

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Fake dinner seems like a great opportunity for another flashback.  And, so, we get one, in short order.  Just as Klaus suspected, Rebekah’s lover, Vampire Hunter Alex was quite the Chatty Kathy during sex.

“Check it out.  This sword and these tattoos together form a road map to my weiner . . . you know, just in case you can’t find it on your own.”

In a state of presumed post-coital bliss, Alex reveals, both to Rebekah, and to us, that the Five have a weapon that will surely wipe all vampires off the face of the Earth . . .A CURE TO VAMPIRISM . . .

Yeah, yeah . . . I think we all pretty much knew that was coming . . .

What does surprise me about this plot point, though, is how long this supposed vampire cure has purportedly been around.  You would think, for example, that Witchy Mama Esther or even Evil Vampire Eater Mikael would have heard about it, and at least tried to find it, before resorting to attempting to murder their own children . . . Just a thought . . .

Poor Rebekah!  She’s starting to rival Elijah and Alaric as Most Murdered Character on TVD!  Not long after Alex spills the beans to her about the Vampire Cure, he stabs her with a white oak stake, along with the rest of her siblings.  Rat BASTARD!

“Dear sister, I thought your room could use a bit of sprucing up.  How do you like your new wall decor?“

Fortunately for us, Klaus is immune to White Oak Stakedom, and takes this opportunity to murder Alex and one of his FIVE-Y friends, conveniently leaving the other three alive to spawn Connor Jordan, Mini Gilbert, and whatever other sexy male guest stars TVD chooses to introduce in the near future.

Vampire Hunter Nick Miller, anyone?

But wait a minute.  If Klaus already knew all this crud about The Five, why is he bothering Poor Rebekah with bad memories of yet another lover her used her and discarded her like trash?

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A-ha!  See, this is where things get sort of interesting.  Apparently, those crazy tattoos Connor has on his body are a map to the Vampire Cure.  And the key to reading that map is on the sword of each of the Original Five.  Klaus (rightfully) as it turns out, assumes that Rebekah knows where that sword is.  Once found, that sword, combined with Jeremy’s drawing, will enable Klaus to locate the cure, give it to Elena, and then continue to use her as a bloodbag for the creation of new hybrids.

Nifty plan, right?  Except, Rebekah’s not budging with the information, no matter how many threats or insults Klaus hurls her way . . .

Hey Klaus, haven’t you ever heard the saying you catch more vampire siblings with honey?  Wait . . . that’s not how it goes.

Rebekah storms off in huff, but Klaus seems unmoved.  As it turns out, this was precisely his plan.  You see, Klaus wanted to put Rebekah in an emotional enough state to reveal the location of the secret sword to STEFAN.  And why again would Stefan want to help Klaus?  Repeat after me, everyone, “HE’S DOING IT FOR ELENA.”

That’s right.  Because if Elena can be made human again, she can revert back to the sweet docile kittenish girl Stefan always loved, cherished and worshipped, as opposed to the naughty keg standing, motorcycle riding, doucheboy drinking, Damon sucking soon-to-be Damon screwing, pencil flinging vampire girl she has become . . .

This recap has become long enough as it is, so I’m not going to bore you with the details.  Long story short, Stefan cleverly manipulates the vulnerable Rebekah’s romantic side into revealing that she buried Alex’s sword, along with his corpse, in the church where the couple was to be married . . . you know, before he stabbed her in the chest, and her brother cut out his heart . . . otherwise known as The Good Old Days.

Klaus is conveniently around to hear this information, and, for reasons I don’t quite understand, decides to stake Rebekah again, upon receiving it.

“Trust me, this hurts me way more than it is hurting you.”

“Somehow, I doubt that . . .“

Seriously, dude?  AGAIN!  Klaus, you have to find better ways to express your emotions than staking your siblings every time they piss you off.  You’re becoming like that kid in the Twilight Zone movies, who keeps sending everyone in his family to the Evil Cornfield every time they don’t give him candy, or enforce his bedtime.  It’s time to get another outlet for your anger.  Might I suggest the batting cages, or S&M sessions with Connor and Jeremy . . .

Speaking of people you secretly want to have sex with, Klaus.  Could you explain to me why you felt the need to keep this whole “sword / tattoo” map thing a BIG Secret between you and Stefan?  Is it because you think it will make it easier to get into his pants, while you two are spending hours alone scheming with one another behind closed bedroom doors?  Don’t you think Damon the Scooby Gang could you help you find it faster, than just the two of you working alone?

Just saying . . .

So many headless hybrids, so little time . . .

And so our Big Bad Sexy Shirtless Scoundrel Connor uses that trusty earring to break free from Klaus’ Den of Rough Sex, just as we knew he would.  But geez, did he HAVE to decapitate ANOTHER one of Klaus’ precious hybrids.  You would think these guys are human PEZ Dispensers, given how easily their heads pop off at the slightest touch . . .

Connor Jordan . . . gives good head.

Connor’s action, of course, has the added benefit of conveniently finishing off his Vampire Hunter tattoo.  I wonder how many bloodsuckers he had to do in, to earn all those stripes . . . I wonder if you get more “points” for killing hybrids . . . so many questions. . . .

In the final scene, we see a pissed off Connor whining to his leader.  “Why did you send me to this PLACE, where all anybody ever does is have flashbacks, and sit around and talk about how they are ‘DOING IT FOR ELENA?”

WAH, WAH, WAH . . . cry me a bloody river, Connor.  But in all honesty, I’d be interested in knowing the answer to this question too.  What say you, Connor’s Exalted Leader. .  . Professor Boo Radley?

Next week, on The Vampire Diaries . . .

See you then, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Stake, Rattle and Roll – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Rager”

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Umm, Elena.  This may not be the best time to tell you this, but . . . you have a little something on your face.

Howdy, Fangbangers!  This week, on TVD, Elena got some lessons in Vampire Anger Management from . . . This Guy?

She also took the most ridiculously uncool-looking motorcycle ride since this moviecame out, back in 2007 . . .

Also this week, Rebekah did her best impersonation of what Regina George from Mean Girls would act like, if Regina George from Mean Girls was a vampire . . .

While Damon opted instead for a little Vampire Magic Mike action . . .

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Let’s review, shall we?

Because in Mystic Falls, the Dentist makes house calls . . .

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“OK, now open your mouth and say AHHHHHHHHHH!“

Of all the spooky things that happen on this show, I’d have to say the most terrifying of them all aside from Elena’s massive Blood Puke Fest, last week was that time when Vampire Hunter Connor performed some impromptu dental work on Hybrid Tyler.  Because, let’s face it.  Dentists are way scarier than any vampire, werewolf or witch, I’ve ever seen . . .

It all started with Tyler snoozing at the hospital, recovering from his not-so-much-there-anymore bullet wound . . .

Poor Tyler!  It’s so hard to find good help these days.  You would think that with all the money Mommy spent on her son’s hospital bodyguard, he’d be smart enough not to leave his post and WANDER DOWN THE HALL, just because he “heard a sound.”

I mean, come on!  If that’s not the oldest trick in the book, I don’t know what is . . .

The good news is supernatural Tyler was more than equipped to battle his intruder.  The bad news?  He had to do it while wearing a dress . . .

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“Let’s dance!  One-two-cha-cha-cha.  Three-four-cha-cha-cha.”

I’m going to go ahead and give Tyler the benefit of the doubt, by saying that his inconvenient “battle attire” was at least partially to blame for his getting his ass handed to him by a guy whose idea of a good time is carving pictures into bullets for fun.  Of course, that whole “being injected with a paralytic” thing didn’t help either . . . Oh, then this happened . . .

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“Hey, you know, since you’re already in there, would you mind checking out this cavity I have on my left molar?“

So, it turns out, Connor didn’t want to clean Tyler’s teeth at all!  He was just using him for his vampire-killing werewolf venom!  HOW RUDE!

“You owe me, Bro!  I don’t give up my spit to just anybody!  That sh*t’s sacred!”

Tyler returned home to his Mommy’s house,  only to learn that Klaus and his band of Merry Mute Hot Hybrids had come to crash at his pad for a few days . . .

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“Hey Tyler.  I’ve decided to use your home as the photo-shoot site for my Sexy Supernaturals of 2013 Calendar.  Meet Mr. January and Mr. March.”

I kid!  Actually, Klaus hired these soon-to-be-dead extras to protect Tyler – his special snowflake of a hybrid.

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After all, now that former Bloodbag Elena is immortal, Klaus’ sex slaves magical creations are kind of an “endangered species.”  Without them, Klaus might be forced to hire boring humans to kiss his ass for him, like regular rich people do.  Perish the thought!

I don’t know, Klaus.  Putting all your precious hybrids under one roof doesn’t seem like such a good idea to me.  For one thing, the entire species has just become one “gas leak” away from extinction.  Hasn’t the Anti-Vampire Council taught you anything?

Not to mention the fact that Vampire Hunter Connor now has a convenient one-stop shop for all the werewolf spit he could possibly want.  But more on that later . . .

Damon Salvatore Stars in “Trailer Park Shenanigans”

When we first saw Damon this week, he was ragging on his little brother . .  .

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 . .  . while making empty threats to leave Mystic Falls for about the 28th time since the series began . . .  Oh Damon!  You aren’t fooling anybody.  We all know you can’t bear to leave The Elena for more than half an episode . . .

Anywhoo, Damon heads over to the scummy-looking trailer where Vampire Hunter Connor is currently residing.  And, perhaps this is just me, but I thought it looked suspiciously similar to the scummy-looking trailer where those lame werewolves put down stakes, back in Season 2.  Perhaps, all of Mystic Falls’ Big Bads engage in some kind of a carpooling / timeshare system?

“It’s because none of us ever live long enough to sign a long-term lease.”

So, Damon was chilling in this trailer (though, I’m not quite sure how he got in, as he was clearly never invited), perusing some purloined love letters from the late Pastor Young, when all the sudden, this happened . . .

Don’t you just hate it, when you’re trespassing in your enemy’s house, and you find yourself stabbed with an arrow attached to a bomb that’s triggered to go off, if you move a muscle?  I know I do!  Fortunately, Damon was used to this . . .

Ahhh . . . sweet foreplay.

And promptly decided to phone his lady friend for help . . .

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It was just another day at the office for Dr. Meri-Death Fell, who promptly extracted the offending bomb-arrow-contraption from our hero’s pelvis, while offering him some sage advice about the importance of “brotherly love.”  Damn, when I go to the doctor, I’m lucky if I get a 15 cent lollipop along with my bill!

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That’s right, folks.  Much like a certain Vampire Rose, Meredith Fell is one of those characters I initially hated, who came to earn my grudging respect by admitting that she is on Team Delena.

I mean, really.  How could I possibly hate a character who tells Damon he’s the better brother, because he’s out actually protecting Elena from evil vampire hunters, while Saint Stefan is busy carting her around to poison keggers, and taking her on stupid motorcycle rides?

Speaking of Elena and Stefan . . .

Back-alley wrist sucking, and bathroom catfights

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Well . . . that’s one way of checking if your pencil is sharp enough . . .

Like many enterprising high school students, Elena’s day began with a healthy breakfast . . .

So beefy!

How far the mighty hath fallen, Matt.  You used to make out with girls like Elena behind the school.  Now, the best you can hope for is that they offer you a bandaid, after they’ve sucked the marrow out of your wrist . . .

“Try to eat less garlic for dinner.  My hot vampire boyfriends, who I actually make out with, have been complaining about my breath.”

Over in The-History-Class-That-Used-to-Be-Taught-By-Alaric-Saltzman-But-Is-Now-Taught-By-a-Blind-Teacher-Who’s-Oblivious-to-the-Fact-That-Her-Students-Occasionally-Stab-Eachother-with-Pencils, Rebekah and Elena exchanged some harsh words with one another.

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It seems that Elena doesn’t like Rebekah, because Rebekah (1) killed Alcoholic Surrogate Dad, (2) kind of /sort of killed Elena, (3) almost killed Elena’s bloodbag, Matt, and (4) used to bone both of Elena’s boyfriends, Damon and Stefan.

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In turn, Rebekah doesn’t like Elena, because . . . well . . . everyone else in Mystic Falls loooooves Elena, and it totally pisses Rebekah off.

It didn’t take long for Rebekah and Elena to start cat fighting with one another, using one bloody pencil as a shared weapon between them.  Meanwhile, useless Stefan, not wanting to “get involved,” sat idly by, clearly turned on by the spectacle, and obviously imagining that the two hot vampettes were fighting over him . . .

Did I mention that Vampire Hunter Connor — who seems to have no gainful employment, and therefore, can spend all his time designing pretty bullets, booby trapping his trailer, and lurking around high schoolers like the pedophile we all know him secretly to be — was conveniently at Mystic Falls High that day?  Though Connor’s initial reason for showing up at the school was to hit on “recruit” latent-vampire hunter Jeremy, who he noticed was totally checking out his super-secret tattoos, last week, at the Only-Bar-Social-Establishment-in-Mystic-Falls . . .

. . . the sexy bald man’s presence at Mystic Falls High School actually ended up being beneficial to multiple parties.  First, there was Rebekah, who devised a rather clever plan to out the newbie vamp in front of her would-be killer, by preparing her a surprise mid-morning snack . . .

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Don’t do it, Elena.  Eating in the bathroom is SUPER unsanitary . . .

Fortunately, Elena — who, let’s face it, is probably used to going hungry often, given her penchant for model thinness — managed to control her inner cannibal.  And our “SAG card winning” (three lines is all it takes!) student extra got to live another day . . .

Another unintended beneficiary of Connor’s presence was Matt, who, in a moment of rare genius, outed the much-despised Rebekah as a vamp, when asked about the source of his “arm hickeys.”  Did I mention that Rebekah was planning to have a big keg party that night at her new home?  Ruh-roh, Klaus Barbie fans . . . I smell trouble!

BEER BAD!

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So, you know how, at the beginning of the episode, Connor sucked spit out of Tyler’s mouth (it’s not as sexy as it sounds) for no seemingly discernible reason?  Well, it turns out he can use it to spike the keg supply at Rebekah’s party, thereby murdering all Mystic Falls Teen Vamps with one proverbial red solo cup!  Pretty ingenious, right?

Except, here’s the thing . . . I mean, the guy took, what, two tablespoons, three tablespoons of saliva TOPS from Tyler’s mouth?  And that’s supposed to saturate an entire keg?  That must be some seriously powerful mouth goo!

“Even my spit is awesome . . .”

So, of course, the big question becomes, will any of OUR favorite vamps drink the poison beer?

Because if that’s not a PSA against underage drinking, I don’t know what is!

But first, our Scooby Gang had to get to the party.  And Elena, for one, was not about to attend her nemeses’ soiree empty handed.  She planned on partying with a big stick in her hand . . . Damon’s big stick, of course. 😉

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Again, special thanks to Connor for bloodying up Damon, thereby giving our favorite Salvatore an excuse to “get out of those DIRRRTY clothes,” right when Elena was stopping by to rifle through Damon’s underwear drawer for that . . white oak stake.

Yeah, whatever, Elena.  You can claim all you want that you came over to Damon’s house just to “kill Rebekah” with that “magical Original-killing stake,” but we all know the only hard pointy object you were really interested in lies right between Damon’s legs . . .

Speaking of couples that I ship more than Stelena, did you all get a load of the intense connection / sweet chemistry between Baby Vamp Caroline and Daddy Vamp, Stefan, this week?

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Now, don’t get me wrong.  I’m still a card-carrying Forwood fan.  But there’s just something about the easy-going, natural, and non-judgmental way in which Stefan and Caroline relate to one another, that makes Stefan seem so much more relatable than he is when he’s worshiping at the altar of and/or stern father figuring Elena . . .

Though it’s not something I see as being an “endgame,” I definitely wouldn’t mind the writers delving a bit further into the Steroline relationship, this season .  . .

But since I mentioned Tyler, I should add that our baby hybrid has gotten himself into a bit of a pickle.  And that pickle has a name: Hayley . . .

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Ever since Tyler’s convenient miraculous “breaking of the sire bond, off-screen” many fans have been wondering what, or, perhaps more accurately, whohe was doing, during those “lost months in the woods.”  Now, we know.

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OK.  Here’s the thing, even if we give Tyler the benefit of the doubt, and assume that he was a perfect gentleman, all through his time away from Caroline, we all know how intense werewolf-shifting can be for a couple of hot-blooded horny teens . . .

And, just like Stefan took some serious umbrage at the notion of Damon and Elena sharing blood  . . .

. . . I suspect that the naturally jealous Caroline will have some serious issues with the idea of Tyler shifting in front of another single lady.  And, of course, Klaus, who inadvertently found out about Hayley’s existence this week,  will undoubtedly use this situation to his advantage . . .

In short, I predict a lot of drawings of ponies from this guy, in the near future . . .

But back to the beer.  Rebekah was drinking like a fish, so we knew immediately that she’d be in for a rough night.

Hoity toity Stefan, on the other hand, shuns all cheap booze.  (Only the best for our Baby Salvatore!)  So, he was in the clear . . .

At first, Elena seemed like she might be safe, having offered her cup of brew to the Quirky! Adorable! April Young.  But then Big Bad Rebekah had to go and temporarily sunburn Elena, by dropping her sunscreen ring down the insinkerator.  Oops!

No one ruins Elena’s flawless complexion and gets away with it!  Elena was out for blood!  She grabbed her surrogate Damon Salvatore Penis white oak stake, and prepared to strike.  But then Jiminey Cricket the Vampire, a.k.a. Stefan informed Elena that killing an entire line of vampires, just because some b*tch jacked your ugly ring, would be a bit excessive.  So, Elena decided to do the next best thing . . . a keg stand?

“Mmmm poison Lockwood backwash mixed with Bud Light.  A tasty combination!”

It seemed like a kind of random move to me.  But it sure did piss off Rebekah.  So, mission accomplished, in that regard.  Also, it looked cool.  And Elena really needed those extra coolness points to make up for the ridiculousness of the scene that followed this one . .

“A whole new wooooooooorld . . . “

Ahhh young love (though, I guess, in this case, only half-young)!  It can be so freeing sometimes, can’t it?  It can make you feel immortal especially if you are actually immortal.  It can make you feel like you’re . . . wait for it . . .  “The King of the World.”

It can make you do stupid dorky things, like wear a funny-looking helmet on a motorcycle ride that is supposed to represent your new-found freedom from doing things like wearing funny-looking helmets . . .

“Yippppeeeeeeeee!”

“Woooohooooo!”

“Yeeeehawwwww!”

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I don’t know.  I just think there were plenty of less cringe-worthy ways to make the point that Elena was embracing her free-spirited vampire side.   For example, she could have gone bungee jumping, or cliff diving.  She could have . . . danced in her underwear with Damon Salvatore . . .

Instead, she did this.  And the whole time I was watching, I was secretly hoping that she would faceplant into a tree.  Yes, I’m aware that makes me a terrible person . . .

Speaking of Guilt . . .

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Dating Tips by Rebekah Mikaelson: “When the boy you like seems unwilling to give you his heart, take it for yourself.  He probably wasn’t using it, anyway.“

Delirious from the werewolf venom that was just starting to make it’s way through their respective bloodstreams, both Rebekah and Elena were forced to face the darkest sides of their true nature.  For Rebekah, this meant hearing the boy she had grown to admire most, tell her she was juvenile, pathetic, and undeserving of love.  So, she did what any girl would do in that situation.  She ripped out his heart . . . literally . . .

Don’t worry, Matt lovers.  It was just a dream . . . for now . . .

As for Elena, during sex with Stefan, she also did what any girl would do in her situation . . . She imagined she was boning Damon.

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The writers implied that this hallucination was meant to represent Elena’s belief that her vampire style was more akin to that of the fun-loving, morally loose, murderer-in-moderation, Damon, than to the all-or-nothing, Jekyll and Hyde, Puritan/Ripper Stefan.

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But, personally, I prefer to think that Elena got a nice long glimpse of Damon’s “white oak stake” earlier in the day, and decided that she wanted MORE, MORE, MORE . . .

Speaking of Damon . . .

Badass Bromances and Who the F*&k are The Five . . .

With the help of Jeremy, who used Connor’s “interest” in him to lure the vampire hunter to the hospital, under the guise of catching Damon Salvatore . . .

And Damon would know . . .

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  . . . Damon, and, surprisingly enough, Klaus, banded together to ensnare vampire hunter Connor in a trap that was remarkably similar to the one Connor caught Damon with earlier.  (Payback is a b*tch.)

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With Connor caught in their crosshairs, Klaus and Damon took this time to flirt with one another, as former enemies turned bromantic buddies will inevitably due . . .

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Of course, all this flirting and trash talking leads to the inadvertent exposure of some intriguing information about Connor.  According to Klaus, his tattoos, along with the markings on his bullets designate him as more than just your garden-variety Alaric Saltzman type vampire hunter.  Rather, Connor (and possibly Jeremy) is one of the elusive “Five,” a group of supernatural vampires that . . . I suspect . . . might have the ability to revert vampires back into their mortal form.

Aha, TVD . . . I see what you are doing here, you sly devils you . . .

Unfortunately, before my suspicions can be confirmed, Connor and foes trigger the bomb and the room goes kablooey, taking Connor right along with it into oblivion . . . or does it?

In which Klaus saves EVERYONE, and Damon saves . . . Matt?

Like many of you viewers, I found it amusing that, after all that has happened, Stefan still has Klaus on speed dial, and willingly cell phone stalked him, when Elena needed the Original Hybrid’s blood to cure her werewolf poisoning.  Of course, as we all know by now, Klaus never does anything without a clear and calculated reason, and his rescue of vampire non-bloodbag, Elena is no different.  In a surprise scene at the end of the episode, we find out that Klaus has also saved Connor.

Could it be that Klaus has plans to use Connor to turn Elena back into a human, so that he can use her blood to create more hybrids?  Only time will tell . . .

Speaking of bloodbags, we find a newly healthy Elena chowing down on Matt’s arm again, just as she did earlier in the episode.  Except this time around she’s . . . wait for it . . .