“WOAH! My Dream Self is a TOTAL HO! I hope I didn’t just give myself Dream Crabs . . .”
Welcome back, my Pretties! This week on Pretty Little Liars, we learned that Spencer still wears My Little Pony sweaters; Emily is great at poker, but sucks at
life bluffing; and, even after ALL she’s been through with “A,” Aria STILL hasn’t learned to shut her bedroom door (but not lock it, Byron says “NO LOCKING DOORS!”), and close her curtains, before she goes to bed at night . . .
So, pick up that hide-a-key on top of the doorframe, and slip your digits to your significant other’s best friend, because it’s time for another Pretty Little recap . . .
To Sleep, Perchance to HUMP . . .
First of all, let me say, SCREW YOU, PLL, for being such a tease! You gave me, not one, but TWO, fake sex scenes before the opening credits even began!
What kind of show do you think this is . . . True Blood, or should I say . . . Faux Blood?
All I can say is, Aria REALLY didn’t look pleased, when she woke up in the morning. And, honestly, I think she should reconsider those feelings. I mean, so what if her second faux-screw toy may very well be a psycho stalker / murderer / pedophile.
You know, I never realized it, but Facelift Jason TOTALLY looks like he’s either going to grab Aria’s boobs, or strangle her, in this picture.
The way I see it, being Dream F*&ked is the best of both worlds! You get all of the pleasure, and none of the soreness, STD’s, or soul-crushing guilt real sex can sometimes bring.
You also significantly decrease your chances of being BASHED IN THE HEAD WITH A HOCKEY STICK, AND BURIED ALIVE.
Meanwhile, over at the morgue, Hanna, Emily, and Spencer have randomly decided to don those skimpy candy striper outfits again.
Seriously, when did this show become PORN?
SPENCER: “This is as far as I go. If they make me put on one of those French Maid costumes, I’m QUITTING!”
Actually, the girls have a pretty good reason to be dressed like they are. After all, they are currently snooping around the hospital in search of the missing page to Ali’s autopsy. Of course, I’m pretty sure that my favorite part of the ENTIRE episode, was when the girls were at risk of being caught snooping, and Hanna had to . . . improvise . . .
(Have I told you guys, lately, how much I adore Hanna? Girlfriend is friggin HILARIOUS!)
Unfortunately, Spencer emerges from the morgue empty handed. Someone must have snuck into the hospital, and extracted the missing page, before the PLL girls could get their hands on it. Of course, as it turns out, missing pieces of paper may end up being the least of the girls’ problems . . . As they are LOUDLY discussing their plan of action, the girls very nearly run into THIS . . .
*insert T-Rex music from that Jurassic Park movie, here*
That’s right, my Pretties. Apparently, Blind Jenna might not be BLIND for much longer
at which point, we will surely have to find a new nickname for her, STAT! Any suggestions?. What does this MEAN for the PLL girls? (Well, honestly, not much. Blind Jenna always seemed eerily capable of “seeing” whatever it was the PLL girls were doing, anyway. But, let’s go along with it, and pretend to be REALLY SCARED. OK?)
A Very Important Message from PLL: DON’T DO STEROIDS! (It might make you turn into Thor . . .)
No offense against THOR . . . or anything . . .
Back at the Marin Household, Emily is throwing away all of hers and Hanna’s creams, just in case “A” got to them, and pumped THEM up with steroids too. Hanna spies her throwing a way one cream, in particular, and takes immediate offense . . .
“I don’t care if this cream turns me into Thor, it costs 100 dollars,” lectures Emily.
Emily, of course, reminds Hanna that she STOLE the lotion. “It still costs 100 dollars!” Hanna replies. (Remind me why Little Miss Klepto was getting all bent out of shape about Caleb‘s criminal activities again?)
Except when she’s drunk, Emily is not typically known for getting great one liners on the show. But her response here, definitely makes the list: “Chin hair and back pimples are also side effects of taking steroids.”
My sentiments exactly, Hanna. I bet “turning into Thor,” is starting to look like a pretty good option, in comparison to THIS, huh?
Hanna ultimately ends up tossing out her Stolen Contraband Lotion, just as Mama Marin pops in to (1) lecture Hanna about not calling Papa Doucheface; and (2) invite the girls downstairs for breakfast.
Not surprisingly, the minute Hanna leaves the room, Emily gets yet another text message from “A.” And THIS one is a doozy . . .
“Well, I certainly hope she paid for me, first!”
Apparently, sometime, during the course of the last two episodes, “A” managed to steal Emily’s medical chart. (I’m wondering if he or she needed their very own candy striper outfit to do it too!)
Speaking of Emily, later at school . . .
“You’re Dream Cheating on Fitzy! (You Bastard!)”
“Stop looking at me like that, Em! I’m sure I made him wear a Dream Condom!”
Emily and Aria fill one another in, on the last five minutes of the show. Though, Aria, at first, does not come clean to Emily about her little sex dream, Emily sees THIS FACE. . .
and THIS ONE . . .
. . . and immediately puts two and two together.
(If only she was this good at judging the effectiveness of skin creams, she might not have gotten A HOLE IN HER STOMACH.) Emily reveals herself as a hardcore TEAM FITZY-ITE, when she tells Aria that she has NO business eyef *&king or dreamf&^*king Facelift Jason, when the Professor is over at Hollis waiting patiently to “make pottery with her.” Aria promises to keep that in mind and mentally reminds herself to buy some Red Bull, so she can stay awake tonight . . . No sleeping, means no dreamf*&king, right? Right?
Later, in the lunchroom . . .
“They are taking her eyeballs out? COOL!”
“I wish someone took MY eyeballs out, so I wouldn’t have to EVER see Blind Jenna hooking up with Policeboy Garrett again . . .”
Spencer (who, because she is dating Toby, is “in the know”) explains to the rest of the girls that Jenna is a candidate for corneal transplants. This basically means they replace the damaged flap over her cornea, so that she can see again. (See? And who says you can’t learn things from watching PLL?) The girls discuss what exactly this would mean for THEM, which, pretty much, makes them HUGE A$$HOLES. I mean, really, how DARE Jenna try to get back the vision that the PLL GIRLS TOOK AWAY FROM HER, and inconvenience the Pretty Little Liars? She’s got SOME NERVE!
“Jenna is scary enough with four senses. Can you imagine what she will do to us with all five?” Hanna wonders out loud.
You’re right, Hanna! Because that would make her ROBO-JENNA, Super Villain EXTRAORINAIRE . . .
Be afraid, PLL’ers . . . Be VERY afraid . . .
But ROBO Jenna isn’t necessarily the ONLY villain the PLL’s need to worry about . . .
Hide Your Sweater Ponies, Folks! Facelift Jason has a SECRET ROOM! (And we all know what that means . . .)
“It’s not safe for you here, Sweater Pony! RUN!”
After school, Spencer and her favorite sweater from Grade 4, decide to do what they do best: namely, stalk the Suspect of the Week, Facelift Jason. Conveniently, Spencer finds Facelift Jason, just as he is hiding the key to his SECRET ROOM in the WORST HIDING SPOT EVER!
“Look at me. I am soooo clever, with my newly chiseled face, and Pantene Pro V hair . . .”
Nice going, Facelift! No one will think to look for your hide-a-key in the SAME PLACE EVERYBODY AND THEIR MOTHER HIDES THEIR HIDE-A-KEY! Did the surgery that changed your face, perhaps, cut into your brain too?
Cue SPENCER FACE!
Oh, how I missed you, Spencer Face!
Meanwhile, over at Hanna’s . . .
“A” Cockblocks Emily, BIG TIME!
The Last Kiss?
In the land of Too Little, Too Late, Samara brings Sorry You Had a Hole in Your Stomach Cookies to Emily. Emily takes them gratefully, and doesn’t ask, “Why the hell didn’t you visit me at the hospital, B*tch?” . . . which I thought was rather kind of her.
Speaking of kind . . . enter Mama Marin . . .
“Newly single, and ready to mingle!”
Hanna’s mom has been racking up SO many cool points recently, that I almost forgot how she once slutted around with Deputy Douchey, so her daughter wouldn’t go to jail for shoplifting, and STOLE MONEY FROM AN OLD LADY . . . almost. This week, she generously offers her house up to Emily, Samara, and Samara’s friends for “poker night,” when the parties’ usual host cancels, on account of her Mom being sick. Emily, of course, is thrilled.
Hanna’s mom tells Emily that she should feel at home in the Marin Household, and be able to be “herself.” This is kind of awesome, especially considering that at Emily’s actual house, her Mom had a TOTAL sh*tfit, when Emily had ONE other lesbian over at her house (Maya!), let alone a group of them. But I digress . . .
That night, Emily invites Samara and her Poker Crew over to the Marin household, where she impresses them all with her Mad Poker Playing Skillz . . .
One of Samara’s friends with whom Emily particularly hits it off is “Zoe” . . . a fact that, will come to haunt her, before the night is over . . .
The Bait . . .
*Insert cell phone ring here* . . . you guessed it! It’s time for “A” to crash this poker party . . .
I’m not going to lie, this was the part of the episode that pissed me off the most! Now, in REALITY, there were LITERALLY TONS of ways Emily could have gotten her number to Zoey, without looking like she was trying to cheat on Samara with one of her closest friends. For starters, she could have given ALL the girls her number, including Zoe, insisting that she wanted them to have it, in case they were ever again in need of someone to host Poker Night. She also could have slipped a paper into Zoe’s purse containing her digits. (If you read the above-message, it says that Zoe has to LEAVE with the number . . . she doesn’t have to KNOW she’s leaving with it.) She also could have told Zoey, she wanted to plan a romantic surprise for Samara, and needed her help. I could keep going . . .
But that wouldn’t be “exciting” now, would it? So, Emily, the same girl, who just two weeks back, cleverly deciphered Great Mystery of the Ian Suicide Note, quickly takes a turn for the moronic, and flirtatiously offers Zoey her number, outright, RIGHT IN FRONT OF Samara’s possessive “friend” Quinn.
“Woah, way to be subtle, Hobag!”
“Rebound sex with Samara, here I come. Thanks ‘A'”!
(By the way, who the heck cut Quinn’s hair? Edward Scissorhands?)
Samara is understandably super PISSED when she confronts Emily about what she did . . . so pissed, in fact, that she puts their relationship on indefinite hiatus, until Emily is willing to come clean about what happened at Poker Night . . .
“Is this because I didn’t visit you in the hospital, when you thought you were dying?”
Emily is crushed by the news . . . I think . . .
“Hmmm . . . do you think it’s too early to call Zoey? I really wish I got her number, last night.”
And so ends yet another relationship at the hands of “A” . . . Of course, sometimes PLL girls’ relationships end all on their own . . .
Mama, I’m Coming Home . . .
So, remember how, last week, Hanna kicked the private investigator, who was stalking Caleb to the curb. But then we learned that his intentions might not have been as bad as she assumed they were? Well, it turns out the private investigator was searching for Caleb on behalf of his biological MOTHER, who is apparently, some filthy rich country club lady, who lives next door to Oprah!
When the private investigator confronts Caleb, he IS mad. Why wouldn’t he be? He’s spent twelve years of his life going from one trailer trash foster home to the next, and was PRETTY MUCH HOMELESS for the last year of his life. Meanwhile, the woman who “couldn’t take care of him,” is probably putting her two other kids through private school, and weekly tennis lessons with Andy Roddick . . .
But hey, family is family, right? And Caleb kind of owes it to himself to get a piece of that lifestyle he’s been denied all these years. (Yes, I’m that cynical.) Believe it or not, it’s actually Hanna, she of the “Dad you’re dead to me,” perpetual poutiness, who convinces Caleb to give Deadbeat Mommy Dearest a call. “The worst that can happen is you never speak to her again. The best thing that can happen is you can finally get to know her. Both of them are better than what you are doing now.”
“The last time I saw my mom, I was small enough to actually swing on this swingset, without having to worry about breaking it.”
The next evening, a tearful Caleb comes to Hanna’s house to say goodbye . . . for
ever now. He had a little chat with his Mom that day, and decided he should bring his phone pimping business to Montecito, since eveyone is so rich there come and visit her. He’s leaving now, as she had a car sent for him (See Caleb, this is how the OTHER HALF LIVES. Get used to it.)
Hanna is obviously saddened at the thought of losing Caleb. But, to her credit, she remains strong and supportive, because she knows how hard this must be for him, and that he is doing the right thing. The couple promise to call one another every day, and Caleb offers to return someday, though Hanna is rightly skeptical about both statements. “I’ve seen pictures of Montecito,” she says, smiling ruefully.
The two then share a touching kiss goodbye. And Hanna waits until Caleb is out of sight to REALLY break down in tears . . .
“Man, this episode is depressing!”
When all is said and done, Hanna decides to reach out to her own dad, and agrees to take part in his wedding to the odious Isabelle. Way to be an adult, Hanna!
Now, if y’all don’t mind, I’d like to bid adieu to the Haleb relationship with a little GIF tribute . . .
*sniffles* OK . . . moving on . . .
Speaking of depressing . . .
“I’m just really bummed out about the end of Haleb, OK?”
It seems as though Jerkface Mike has gone from non-existent, to creepy, to klepto, to a$$hole, to suicidal depressive in about three episodes flat . . . (That’s gotta be some sort of record.) Papa Montgomery, who’s brother (from what I gather) committed suicide as a teen (or maybe he OD’d), is extremely concerned, and rightfully so.
Aria’s mom, on the other hand, who’s usually the less lame parent of these two, sort of seems like she’s in denial about the whole thing. Now, I’m DEFINITELY thinking that Mike has become just as much a victim of A’s torturing as his sister. She (or he) has something on him, and I’m guessing it’s pretty big . . . something that makes home invasion seem like a walk in the park.
Speaking of Aria . . .
Tempted by the Hair of Another . . .
“The truth is Aria. I’m really a vampire. And I put dirty dreams into your brain, while you sleep at night.
Then I take pictures of you, and use them while spanking my monkey.”
So, you want to hear something shocking. I actually think that all this time that Aria and Fitzy have been dating one another, they NEVER DID THE DEED!
NO! I’M SERIOUS! This episode all but gave that information away. The first piece of evidence, is Aria’s impromptu seduction of Fitzy in his office at Hollis. She seems determined to screw those Jason dreams right out of her brain . . .
But Fitzy is oddly hesitant, despite the obvious hard-on he started sporting the minute Aria removed her coat. “I have class in 15 minutes,” he says, as they start making out hard core . . .
The party quickly moves to the couch. And that’s where things REALLY get interesting . . .
At this point, most of us are thinking THIS . . .
But then they cut away to another scene, before anyone can get Nekkid . . .
Next thing you know, Aria’s getting A LOT of food out of the vending machine, so . . . post coital munchies, perhaps?
But then Fitzy comes back and he’s FULLY DRESSED, with his TIE ON PERFECTLY. Hmmm . . . Of course, he COULD have re-dressed himself before class (He only had 15 minutes, after all!). But then there’s that conversation he has with Aria, where he’s all “concerned” about the reason behind her aggressive seduction, and thinks something is up, and wants to talk about her “FEELINGS.” Yeah . . . NOT the kind of conversation one has after mindblowing sex . . .
To add insult to injury, we flip to this . . .
Now, we’re talkin!
Fitzy remarks that he wishes Aria could stay at his place every night, and she makes a comment about being REALLY GLAD SHE WAITED. (In other words: bye, bye Aria’s virginity! Nice knowing ya!) But then she walks to the mirror, and the scene changes to THIS . . .
“You can’t stop thinking about me, can you?” Facelift Jason whispers seductively in Aria’s ear . . .
AND it’s wake up time . . .
“I’ve really gotta lay off that vending machine food.”
So, yeah, as unrealistic as it sounds, if Aria’s “first time” occurred IN HER DREAM, than she hasn’t done it yet in real life, which means Fitzy must have the most painful pair of THESE the world has ever seen . . .
And so the Little Christian Channel that Could subtly transmits its message to the Youth of America. TEASE! Now, I’m just wondering if Spencer and Toby have done it yet . . . any guesses?
“I Care About You,
so let’s SCREW!“
Facelift Jason stops by Aria’s house unexpectedly
to put the moves on her to give her little brother, Headcase Mike, his number for “counseling” or something . . . But close physical contact with Facelift Jason (he fondles her arm, while he’s giving her the card), causes Aria to get those “dream feelings.” (It’s a good thing girls don’t get hard-ons, you know?) So, she makes some lame excuse about studying, and kicks a surprised Facelift to the curb.
She seriously looks mesmerized in this scene. Are we entirely sure Facelift Jason ISN’T a vampire? It would explain SO MUCH!
“Invite me in, Aria.
I van’t to suck your blood . . .“
“I know a member of my own kind, when I see one.”
Later, Facelift Vampire Jason hunts down Aria in his car, in the middle of the night, and admits that he has feelings for her. WELL DUHHHHHH! You couldn’t have made THAT more obvious if you skywrote it across all of Rosewood, boyfriend!
Vampires always drive the nicest cars . . .
Without waiting for a response to his statement, Facelift Vampire Jason pulls Aria in for a
neck sucking kiss, and Aria lingers a bit longer than someone who has NO feelings for a person should.
*nom-nom, nom* Tastes like chicken . . .
It all seemed a bit rushed to me. And I was surprised by how LITTLE game Facelift Vampire Jason has. Aria might have been surprised too, as she nervously sputters that she is taken, before dashing back to the house . . .
“Rats, foiled again . . .”
Watching this exchange is Blind Jenna and Police Boy Garrett . . .
well, at least ONE of them is watching . . .
The pair express concern that Aria and Jason will “hook up,” and she will get him to remember what happened on the night of Ali’s murder. This conversation once again seems to confirm my theory that Jason DID NOT kill Ali, but was passed out nearby, when the murder was going down. Whether B.J. (my new nickname for Blind Jenna . . . like it?) and Police Boy actually COMMITTED the murder themselves, remains to be seen.
Elsewhere, in Sleuthing Spencer Land . . .
After having a weird conversation with her mother, in which the latter tells her she shouldn’t trust ANY of the Dilaurentis’, and that her father’s decision to DESTROY Ali’s murder weapon was probably the right one, a high strung Spencer commandeers Emily to go snooping around Facelift Vampire Jason’s secret vampire bat cave . . .
What they find in there is a photo dark room, filled with a ton of surveillance equipment, and . . . wait for it . . . photos of close-ups of various parts of Aria’s body taken . . . WHILE SHE WAS SLEEPING . . .
SOMEBODY wears a lot of makeup to bed . . .
Spencer and Emily hear Jason returning to the dark room
to jerk off, or eat bunnies, your pick and escape just in time, except THEY FORGOT THEIR FLASHLIGHT! Morons.
“Great! I needed one of these!”
When they dumbly return to get it, the girls are shocked to find that Jason has cleared the place of everything . . . EXCEPT THEIR FLASHLIGHT!
Spencer Face and Emily Face: The Sequel
The girls frantically try to call Aria to warn her, but can’t seem to get her on the phone. Will they find her, before Facelift Vampire Jason makes her his Princess of Eternal Darkness? Only time will tell . . .
In the final moments of the episode, we see Gloved Hand, in the formerly empty dark room developing . . . you guessed it, an incriminating shot of Spencer and Emily breaking into Jason’s shed. Someone has some EXPLAINING TO DO!
Geez! I thought “A” was supposed to be all “HI-TECH.” Why not invest in a digital camera?
And that’s all she wrote, my Pretties. Next week on PLL . . . THIS . . .
Oh, and yes, Facelift Vampire Jason. Since you asked, we ARE still afraid of you
we just don’t think you actually killed Alison . . . 🙂
See you then!