“Hello? Is anybody home? Could somebody please turn on the lights? I can’t see anything in here!
Now I know how Blind Jenna feels!”
Welcome back, my Pretties! How are you guys doing? Have you been experiencing any aches and pains, lately? Because, if you are, I have some GREAT cream for you to try!
I don’t know about you guys, but I think “A” reached a NEW low this week, at least, in terms of torturing our fabulous foursome. (Whether “A” is, in fact, responsible for Ali and/or Creepy Pedo Ian’s death is another story entirely!) Up until this point, I had always felt that the award for “Most Evil A Moment” belonged to “That Time When He or She RAN HANNA OVER WITH A CAR!”
As HORRIBLE as that was (and it was pretty awful), I would argue that what “A” did to Emily this week was WAY worse! After all, I actually don’t think “A” smushed Hanna’s bottom half with the intent to KILL her. (This is why the injuries she suffered, actually ended up being fairly minor.) Rather, He/She/It merely wanted to scare the girls into silence by presenting a significant physical threat to one of them.
This week, however, by doping Emily’s pain meds with Human Growth Hormone (a.k.a. steroids) “A” was not only messing with Emily’s future as a professional athlete, “A” was messing with her LIFE. Fortunately, Emily ended up only suffering an ulcer. However, with the amount of cream she was using, and the vast amount of potential side effects, the result could have been WAY WORSE!
The stress of this show is going to drive me to drink, I swear!
For shame, “A!” For shame!
Oh, by the way . . . did I mention . . . WREN’S BACK! WREN’S BACK! WREN’S BACK!
Or should I say . . . DOCTOR HOT
So, zip up that Candy Striper’s Uniform, and watch out for the “corpse” walking around with a blanket on its head, because it’s time for another Pretty Little Recap!
“She can’t hear us. She’s BLIND!”
The first few minutes of this episode find our PLL girls huddled together in Spencer’s car, mere minutes after Spencer’s eerie encounter with that nefarious Police Boy Garrett.
As usual, the girls are doing their weekly recap for us, and waiting for Emily, who’s doing something with the alarm system in her house. (Not that alarm systems help any, when Klepto Mike is creeping around.)
Oops! Sorry Aria!
Apparently, Aria gets offended, when you badmouth her bratty thief of a twerpy little brother. Just ask Hanna! Give her a break, Aria! It’s not Hanna’s fault that your brother is so unlikeable, and has such an abnormally large head . . .
But not really . . .
Conveniently, Police Boy Garrett pops up out of nowhere, just seconds after Emily arrives, and makes a beeline toward Jenna’s house. What’s he DOING THERE?
F*&king a Blind Girl! What else would he be doing? Hmmm . . . I wonder. Within seconds, the girls are on his tail, just steps behind him. Hanna has big clunky shoes that make her sound like a stallion in heat, when she walks. Spencer wants her to be quiet. But Hanna reminds her that Blind Jenna won’t hear them, because she’s blind.
Yes, Spencer! Your friends really ARE that stupid.
When the girls arrive on the porch they are shocked to find Jenna at the window LOOKING RIGHT AT THEM!
But WAIT! Blind Jenna ISN”T actually looking at the PLL’s
because she’s blind. She has no idea they are even there! Rather, she is looking for Police Boy Garrett . . .
*insert porn music here*
. . . and stripping for him . . . and sucking his face . . . RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER OPEN BEDROOM WINDOW!
Riiiiiight, because THAT’S exactly where I would choose to tongue wrestle with a guy I DIDN’T WANT OTHER PEOPLE TO KNOW I WAS SECRETLY DATING . . . right out in the open . . . where anyone who happened to walk by could see me. Because that’s SMART!
You know, now that I think about it, isn’t RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE WINDOW, where Blind Jenna made out with Abs Toby too?
Owwww! My eyes! *gag, vomit, puuuuke*
Do you think it’s like an Exhibitionist Thing, or something? Is she simply looking for an opportunity to model her
ugly ass, old lady sexy lingerie? Maybe, since she can’t see, she no longer knows where the windows are in her own house?
All I know is, for week’s us PLL fans have all known that Blind Jenna enjoys bumping uglies with Police Boy Garrett. Now, our fabulous foursome knows too!
Paging Dr. Hot
Oh, Wren! You and your sly use of foliage, as a thinly-veiled excuse to visit Spencer when she’s home alone . . . in hopes that you will eventually be able to wind your way back into her, still underaged, but “very mature” panties. Feel free to bring random plants to my doorstep, anyday!
Spencer is chilling in her crib, alone, making the Spencer Face, just for the fun of it, when she hears a knock at the door. Oh my! Who on Earth could it be? Is it Abs Toby?
Nope . . .
Creepy Pedo Zombie Ian, back from the Dead?
Uh, uh . . .
Crazy Nanny Carrie Stefan Salvatore’s wife That Evil Wench, Melissa?
Guess again . . . IT’S WREN!
Wren stops by Spencer’s because he
IS STILL HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE WITH SPENCER, YEAHHHH! wants to give that awful excuse for a human being Melissa some flowers. But Melissa isn’t home YAYAYAYAYAYAY! so, aw shuck, I guess he will just have to flirt with Spencer in that beautiful British accent of his.
Wren has some good news! He just got a residency at Rosewood Community Hospital.
And you know what that means? Lots of sex in the on-call room for Spencer and Wren! Spencer, who, by the way, has NO GAME WHATSOEVER, would rather pepper Wren with questions about the Rosewood Community Hospital morgue, and whether or not she can use the records in there to find out how Alison died. Blah, Blah, Blah! I want more flirting, DAMMIT!
I would very much like to make out with you right now, but my stupid mouth won’t stop saying boring things about my Dead Friend . . .
Not to be deterred, Wren asks Spencer for coffee, because he is KNACKERED.
Tee hee hee! I love how he says the word “knackered.”
At which point, Spencer politely informs him that she is dating Abs Toby, and is only allowed to drink coffee with HIM, thank you very much! In response, Wren offers an alternative: tea. Because, apparently, in the U.K., getting coffee together means “serious relationship,” whereas getting “tea” just means sex. Who knew?
Apparently, THIS GUY did . . .
Emily Gets Creamed . . .
Poor Emily! While all the other PLL girls’ “troubles” this week, were of a romantic nature, Ms. Fields was stuck with “absentee parents,” an “absentee girlfriend” (Seriously? You would think Samara would AT LEAST make a cameo appearance at the hospital, considering the AWFUL shape her girlfriend was in. LOVE INTEREST FAIL!) . . . not to mention a literal “pain in the neck,” one that traveled down to her stomach, and proceeded to rip her insides to shreds. Geez! Someone up there is pissed off at this girl. (Perhaps, Heaven is filled with Maya fans?)
As a continuation of last week, a harried Emily continues to push herself physically and emotionally to the limit, in preparation for her Big Swim Meet, which the elusive Danby recruiter is supposed to attend. I assume Emily figures that, if she can get a scholarship to Danby, for real, she will never have to tell her parents that the last one (the one that “A” sent on her behalf) was fake . . .
We find Emily in Hanna’s house first thing in the morning, doing sit-ups on the Marin floor. (Watch out Emily, the MARIN’S probably had sex down there, last night?) Like last week, we notice that Emily is in a lot of pain. She keeps tugging on her arm and shoulders, and rubbing this pain cream, all over her body, like it’s her job.
(By the way, have you ever smelled that stuff? It’s nasty . . . like what your dead great-grandfather would smell like, if, before he died, he lathered himself up with cheap cologne. I don’t know how Hanna can stand being around her, the way she keeps lathering herself up with that stinkiness.)
Emily’s chilling at her locker, when who should pop by for a visit, but HER DAD . . . as in, the one who’s fighting for our country in Texas?!
“Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country . . . at your daughter’s swim meet.”
Yeah, apparently the army has Daddy-o on a Super Secret Mission that allows for a stopover in Rosewood. How convenient? Dad tells Emily that, since he’s in town anyway, why not stick around and watch her Big Important Swim Meet?
To make matters even more
frightening interesting, Emily’s dad keeps talking about MEETING the recruiter . . . you know the one who DIDN’T really give Emily a scholarship to his school. So petrified excited is Emily about her father’s appearance that she CLUTCHES HER STOMACH AND FALLS ON THE FLOOR, WRITHING IN PAIN!
Uh . . . Emily, you’re supposed to save your swimming for the POOL.
Emily gets carted off to the hospital, where she’s looking pretty darn sickly. (Kudos to the makeup department for this.)
As it turns out, Emily suffered an ulcer, which, as Hanna explains to us about 80 times during the hour, is, basically, a “hole in your stomach” that “only old people get.” Way to be tactful, Hanna!
*sings* “There’s a hole in your stomach, Dear Emily, Dear Emily . . . There’s a hole in your stomach, Dear Emily, a HOLE!”
Given all that has happened in the past couple of weeks, Emily reluctantly decides, once and for all, to tell her parents the truth about the fake scholarship letter from Danby . . . a decision, she knows will ultimately result in a coach class ticket back to Texas. This, of course, draws sad faces all around from her pals. EMILY! You can’t go to Texas! There are Republicans there! 🙂
But the PLL girls aren’t the ONLY ones interested in paying a visit to the bedridden Emily. Guess who else stops by?
Hmmm . . . is it Maya, back from De-Gaying camp?
Is it Little Orphan Bitchy?
Uh uh . . .
How about Possible Fatal Attraction Samara?
Still no. *cough Bad Girlfriend cough*
IT’S WREN AGAIN! YAYYYYYYY!
Unfortunately, Wren has some bad news for Emily. Apparently, her blood tests showed high levels of HGH in her system, a.k.a Human Growth Hormone, a.k.a. STEROIDS, a.k.a. Emily sure has a lot of explaining to do!
Of course, if Emily WAS taking “performance enhancers,” we, the viewers, would have known about it, wouldn’t we? I mean this is, ABC Family, after all. We would have gotten a whole After School Special sort of lecture on the dangers of drugs (most likely followed by a cheesy PSA, and the telephone number for a STEROIDS SUCK hotline, of some sort). We didn’t get that here, which means Emily is most likely innocent of all “doping” . . .
But wait . . . if Emily didn’t take the drugs herself, how did they get in her system?
More on that later. For now, Emily’s going to have to deal with the fact that NO ONE IS EVER GOING TO BELIEVE that she, a promising young athlete with a scholarship on the line, just so happened to ACCIDENTALLY take drugs to ENHANCE HER PERFORMANCE in the days leading up to a Big Important Swim Meet. Do you see where I am going with this?
As if Hanna’s descriptions of her innards, worries over NEVER BEING ABLE TO SWIM AGAIN, and fears that her PARENTS WILL KILL HER WHEN THEY FIND OUT SHE’S A ROID RAGING ADDICT, aren’t enough to kill Emily’s appetite, get a load of what they call hospital food in this dump!
Get it . . “cream”! Hard de har har . . .
That’s right, my Pretties! Remember that scene, at the end of last week’s episode in which the infamous Gloved Hand filled a syringe with a substance known as BD7?
Well, now we know what it was, and what she ended up doing with it. It kind of makes you think twice about where you put your body lotion . . . if you catch my drift.
I have to say, this is yet another situation where “A’s” motive for doing what she did to Emily is completely unclear to me. If Emily never ended up in the hospital, it could be argued that the drugs in her system would never have been discovered. In fact, there’s a good chance, Emily would have performed so well at the meet, that the Danby coach ended up giving her that scholarship anyway. So, was “A,” in her own sick way, trying to HELP Emily? Or did she KNOW that Emily would end up in the hospital from all the cream she was using (a bit unrealistic, don’t you think), and was seeking to ruin her swimming career, and possibly, kill her? The verdict is still out on this one folks . . .
Once again, “A” reiterates her desire to get out of Rosewood, and hang out with George W. Bush in Texas. “A is bringing us all down, one by one . . . Aria is probably next,” Emily complains.
“Can we ALL go to Texas?” Aria inquires nervously. (I hate to break it to you LITTLE A, but Emily kind of has a point. When it comes to “A’s” torture methods, she’s been kind of slacking on you!)
But Spencer is not giving up without a fight! She wants to finish this thing, and send “A” packing for good. (Sure, you say that now Spencer, but what about when “A” gives you a nasty case of irritable bowel syndrome . . .)
Oh, look . . . I’ve made them both mad . . .
Now, for those of you
gullible people who were ACTUALLY worried about Emily skipping town, A.K.A. leaving the show, you can breathe easy. Cue the 8:53 quick fix problem solution, in the form of Dad saying that Emily doesn’t need no STINKIN’ scholarship. The Fields will find a way to work, with swimming or without. Except, it’s looking more and more, like it’s going to be “without” . . . just sayin’ . . .
Aria Gets BORED . . . (and Mike Gets . . . meh . . . I don’t really care about Mike.)
Those of you who have spent the last few weeks crying in your cornflakes over the notion that we may never again be able to watch Aria make pottery again, after her unfortunate run-in with Blind Jenna, a few weeks back (You know who you are! ;)) can rest easy now. This episode finds Artsy Aria at
Random Fake College Hollis, applying blue glaze paint to a SUPER large bowl.
(What a coincidence? This is the color Fitzy’s balls are about to be in about five minutes! Talk about “FORESHADOWING!”)
Speaking of Professor Fitzy, he pops by the studio, clearly hoping for a Quickie. He’s so turned on right now, it’s a wonder he managed to keep his clothes on during the trip over. But Aria seems a bit . . . distracted. “Can we, do this later?” She asks. (Oooh . . . that is NOT good, Fitzy! Not good AT ALL!)
So, Fitzy, not one to be easily discouraged, pulls out a copy of his trusty “Seduction for Dummies” book, and starts tossing out pickup lines from it, like they are going out of style.
The only problem, of course, is that the version of “Seduction for Dummies” Fitzy is using is apparently from 1995. How else would you explain his dropping a Ghost reference in there? Doesn’t he realize that movie came out a at least a good FOUR YEARS before Aria was even BORN? Way to date yourself, Buddy . . .
Fortunately, for Fitzy (or, perhaps, unfortunately) depending on how you look at it, Aria has somehow seen this movie (Maybe she watched from the womb?). The problem, of course, is that Aria doesn’t find the notion of a MURDERED BOYFRIEND possessing Whoopie Goldberg, in order to seek vengeance on his killers, all that romantic . . . (Gee, I wonder why?)
In Fitzy’s defense of course, I’ve caught the Infamous Pottery Making Scene from the movie on cable a few times, and it IS pretty hot . . . if you go for “that sort of thing” . . .
If the dated Ghost reference was Strike One, Strike Two is when Fitzy swoons over a piece of pottery he THINKS is Aria’s handiwork, but it actually ends up being . . . wait for it . . . Blind Jenna’s . . .
“Oops! Umm . . . yours is nice too, sweetie . . . really!”
Remember, back last season, when Fitzy randomly became OBSESSED with Blind Jenna’s writing, and how “sublimely talented she was?” Yeah, he’s doing it again . . . and Aria doesn’t like it any more THIS time, than she did back then . . .
Also, I’m sorry, but that piece of pottery Jenna made . . . with all the little bullet-hole things in it . . . not only is TOTALLY non-functional (Can you imagine trying to put liquid in that thing?), it is also UGLY with a capital “U”! I thought you had better taste than that Fitzy? Seriously!
Of course, had Fitzy let the matter drop, right there, he probably would have saved himself a strike. BUT THEN . . . he has to start nagging Aria again about why she isn’t friends with Jenna. Really, Fitzy? Does the term brother-f*&ker mean anything to you? An already aggravated Aria (and, lets face it, she’s had a stick up her but throughout this entire scene), grouchily tells Fitzy that Jenna dropped the class, after learning that Aria was enrolled. So, no, they won’t be braiding eachother’s hair or
having sex with eachother’s brothers painting eachother’s toenails, anytime soon.
“This is the part where I stab you in the face, and blood spews all over my ugly holey ceramic cup.”
Fitzy earns his final strike by letting the green monster rear it’s ugly head. He asks about what happened with Klepto Mike the night of the dinner party. And Aria is clearly hesitant to reveal her little brother for the lowlife he is. When Aria admits to being ashamed of the fact that her brother is the Town Sticky Fingers, Fitzy sweetly reminds her that she doesn’t have to be embarrassed about anything around him.
“Throw me a bone here, will ya? I’m TRYIN’!”
But when Aria lets it slip that Klepto Mike was caught stealing at Facelift Jason’s house, warning bells go off in the Professor’s little brain. “So, THAT’s what you two were talking about at the party, Fitzy says, beginning to piece things together. “Should I be worried about this Jason Guy?” Fitzy inquires, finally mustering up the courage to ask the question that’s clearly been on his mind ever since he saw those two with their heads pressed together on that Fateful Night.
Hell, yes, you should! Don’t you know that EVERY SINGLE MALE CHARACTER that gets introduced on this show, eventually ends up as a love interest for ONE of the girls? Remember what happened with Bushy Eyebrows Noel? Where have you been, Fitzy? WHAT? NO!” Aria sputters defensively, though the thoughtful look on Aria’s face, after Fitzy leaves (He asked her to stop by his place for sex, and she promptly shot him down) said something VERY different.
Aria blows off Fitzy, once again, when the latter arrives at the hospital, to check on her, while she is visiting Emily. During the increasingly cold and awkward conversation, Aria conveniently gets a call from Facelift Jason (Doesn’t she always, during moments like this?) and lies through her teeth about who’s calling her.
Uh oh! If I were you, I’d keep Wacky Jackie’s number on speed dial, Fitzy. Because it looks like you may very well have been
at least temporarily replaced . . .
In other news, Klepto Mike indicated to his mother that he MIGHT be stealing from everyone in town, because BOO HOO WOO, she moved out of the house for two days, and then moved back . . . And WAHHHHHH, it’s SO HARD coming from an upper-middle class attractive family that loves you, and sdlkfjsd;lkjjjjj . . . Sorry! That was my head hitting the keyboard. I just fell asleep, while typing this . . .
“So . . . Mike . . . is your head naturally that large, or did you steal one of those new Brain Inflation Devices from one of the houses you robbed.”
Hanna’s Dad Gets Dumped . . . (But HEY! At least, he still has his fiance!)
After the Drunken Staircase Hump Heard ‘Round the Marin Household, Ma and Pa Marin, apparently,
screwed eachothers’ mid-life crisis having brains out made a “night” of it.
Because, the next morning, Papa Marin — complete with rumbled suit, bloodshot eyes, hangover face, and bedhead — makes the long Walk of Shame down the steps.
And though he clearly tries to avoid doing so at all costs
Nice DAD! Real NICE!, he is forced to make small talk over breakfast with his daughter.
Emily and Hanna are sporting matching, “We know you just had sex” faces . . .
. . . while a definitely worse for wear Papa Marin simply tries to keep from puking in his Cheerios. Then, as if things couldn’t get more awkward, who should come down the steps but Little Miss Screws A lot, herself, Mama Marin . . .
After the adults make some mumbled excuse as to why the entire house was vibrating last night, Mama notes wryly that Papa is up a bit early this morning, considering how obviously sh*tfaced drunk he was the night before. Papa leers seductively at Mama, and tells him that it must have been
his desire to avoid running into his daughter his “human body clock .” “Somethings you just can’t turn off,” says Papa, casting a lewd sex stare in Mama’s direction. Now, please excuse me, while I go vomit . . .
OK . . . I’m back.
You’ve Got Mail, Hanna Marin! And guess what it is? It’s a Save the Date card for your DAD’S wedding to a woman who is not your Mom! AWK-WARD!
I hate to say it, but that’s a GORGEOUS invitation. The “Other Woman” has great taste
(in invitations . . . not in men . . . because she chose Hanna’s dad . . . And he’s a total douche.)
That afternoon, Mr. Relentless Sexpot STILL has the gall to put the moves on Mom, right in the middle of her talking to him about EMILY’S ULCER! (ASSHAT!) Mama Marin wins major cool points from fellow members of her sex, by telling Tommy Boy that she deserves a man who knows what he wants, and that was NEVER PAPA MARIN. She then kicks the Loser Who Still Somehow Spawned an Awesome Child, like Hanna to the curb . . . GOOD RIDDENS to BAD DAD’S, I SAY!
But Hanna was kind of bummed out about it, when she found out. (His sperm did help create her, after all.) Fortunately, Caleb was there to give her a little TLC, when she needed it most . . .
Speaking of resident “BAD BOY” Caleb . . .
Caleb Gets Stalked (and Hanna Gets SOME) . . .
I have to say, I was skeptical of this storyline when it first began. At first, it sort of seemed like a continuation of last week’s “Help, I’m in Love with a Criminal” melodrama. And yet, by the end the story took a turn that I have to admit was quite original, and intriguing.
It started lame though . . . with Hanna, once again spying Caleb outside of the school doing “something shady.”
“So, here are those haircare tips you asked me for. Just wash, rinse, and repeat. And you should be just fine.”
But the plot thickens, when Hanna finds and oldish dude stalking Caleb, while staring at his police report . . .
“He really does have spectacular hair . . . so much BODY and SHINE!’
Who is this guy, anyway? Is he part of Caleb’s old GANG? Is he a police officer who specializes in
hair theft the illegal pimping out of phones? Hanna isn’t sure. But she knows she doesn’t want to see her boy toy in trouble. So, she tries to subtly warn him not to do . . . whatever the heck it is he actually does in public, where the whole school and Stalker Guy can see him.
Unfortunately for Hanna, Caleb just assumes his girlfriend is being a Big Ole Judgmental Nag. So, he snaps, explaining how he’d rather pimp out phones than
pimp out his body to Aunt Jenna flip burgers at the local Mickey D’s. He then stomps off, leaving Hanna looking sad, and more than a bit worried about her boyfriend’s future as the “picker upper soap in a prison shower . . .”
At the hospital, while visiting Emily, Spencer somehow manages to get Hanna to spill the beans about what’s going on between her and Caleb. Hanna admits that she hasn’t told him about the “cop” following him, because she is afraid that, if he finds out, he will run, and she will “lose him again.” HELLO? SELFISH MUCH? Spencer sets Hanna straight, informing him that the minute Caleb gets picked up by the Po Po, is forced to don an orange jumpsuit, and shower with a bunch of other dudes, with names like Bubba and Sweet Tits, she’s pretty much lost him, anyway . . .
“Gee, thanks, Debbie Downer! Since when did you start watching reruns of Oz.”
In what might have been the Biggest Overreation of a PLL Character Ever, Hanna randomly decides to dress up like a character from Mad Men (or Blind Jenna, whichever you prefer), kidnap Caleb, and whisk him off to one of Spencer’s parents MANY abandoned homes, which seem to just pop up around Rosewood like the Chicken Pox (Wealthy much?)
At the Abandoned House, Hanna confronts Caleb with the news that he is being stalked / followed. And he promises her that, no matter what happens, he’s not going to go on the lam, and skip town again . . .
Hanna further makes him promise that if he DOES decide to leave, he take Hanna along, since she is so great at HOT TENT SEX
. . . camping.
They decide to make out on the couch, as the camera focuses on a fire similar to the one where Papa Hastings burnt Ali’s murder weapon to a crisp. How romantic!
Sweet, huh? But the REAL twist to this story comes at the end, when Hanna confronts Caleb’s stalker, and tells him to leave her boyfriend alone. As we learn later, the “stalker” is not a cop at all, rather, he’s a Private Investigator for SOMEONE who wants to reach out to Caleb again (most likely a biological parent).
(It just goes to show you that no good deed goes unpunished, right Hanna?)
All kidding aside, I’m very eager to see where this storyline will take us . . .
Spencer Gets a Clue (and a Corpse?)
At school, Police Boy Garrett intercepts Spencer, wondering why she ran off on him, like she did, the night she received Aria’s text.
Seeing Police Boy not-so-subtly try to figure out what Spencer knows makes me understand why he “gets along so well” with Blind Jenna. I mean, this guy is a SERIOUSLY socially awkward creeper . . . from his insanely bad jokes . . . to his serial killer smile . . . to his constant invasion of personal space. You can’t really blame Spencer for treating him like a leper, and not wanting to be near him, especially considering where that mouth has BEEN.
You know . . . they say that when you sleep with someone, you are actually sleeping with EVERY SINGLE PERSON that person slept with. I wonder if the same theory applies to kissing. Because, if so, Spencer has theoretically kissed both Blind Jenna AND Garrett . . . think about it.
In a parked police car, somewhere in Rosewood, Blind Jenna and PoliceBoy Garrett are engaged in a conversation they SHOULD have had, the night before, back when they were sucking face in front of an audience. Both parties seem worried that Spencer might know something about who actually killed Ali. They seem particularly perturbed by Spencer’s inquiry as to whether a WOMAN did it. They wonder if Spencer knows about the “Jason” thing, but assume that she does not.
The tenor of the conversation sort of makes it seem like Jenna killed Ali, Garrett helped her to cover it up, and Jason, was there somewhere, to wasted to be a reliable witness. Of course, the fact that this SEEMS like the most obvious answer to the mystery, probably means that it’s not the answer at all.
*sigh* “Everything with Garrett is SO complicated! I should really go back to just f*&king my brother.”
After Spencer checks in on Emily and her Massive Stomach Hole, she attempts to sneak down to the morgue, and commit a felony, by rifling through Dead Ali’s autopsy report.
The problem, of course, is that Dr. Hot Brit intercepts her for a Greys Anatomy Elevator Moment . . .
“Oh, Spencer . . . sex in the elevator with a REAL doctor is HOT STUFF! Just sayin’! Don’t knock it, until you’ve tried it! Your boyfriend will never have to know
which reminds me, WHERE IS ABS TOBY? Isn’t he Emily’s friend too? Shouldn’t he be there? What gives, TOB?“
Having had a chance to look at Emily’s admittance charts, Wren assumes that Spencer is headed to see Emily, when, in fact, she has already seen her. In fact, when Spencer tries to sneak down to the morgue, it is WREN that reroutes her back to the third floor. NAUGHTY WREN! You spoiled Spencer’s plan. You deserve a SPANKING! Please . . . allow ME. . . 😉
Not willing to be foiled again, Spencer gets the “brilliant” idea that she and Aria should steal candy striper uniforms from the laundry room (Ew! I hope they were clean!) . . .
. . . so that they could sneak into the morgue. Riiiiight, because candy stripers ALWAYS work in the morgue. After all, if anyone needs candy and
young hot girls in short skirts joy, it’s THE DEAD!
We learn quite a few things from Spencer’s and Aria’s little morgue field trip:
(1) Rosewood Hospital hasn’t experienced any technological advances since the movie Ghost came out. We know this because Ali’s autopsy is just “hanging out” in a folder, as oppposed to . . . I don’t know . . . on a computer . . . with a security system . . . or even in a friggin lock box, I mean GEEZ!
(2) Apparently, not that many people have died in Rosewood since 2007, because ALL OF THOSE people’s autopsies fit in that TEENY TINY CABINET.
(3) Ali was hit on the back of the head by an object that may or may not have been a hockey stick.
(4) She also died with dirt in her mouth, which may or may not mean that she
enjoyed eating dirt was BURIED ALIVE!
The problem, of course, is that all that information was found on the first FOUR pages of the autopsy. Because Page 5 is . . . MISSING!