Unbelievers – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “The Girl Who Knew Too Much”

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We know the fire awaits unbelievers.  All of the sinners the same.

Girl, you and I will die unbelievers, tied to the tracks of the train.

-Unbelievers by Vampire Weekend

Belief . . . in our causes, in our selves, in our family, friends and lovers.  Believing in something is essential to our survival as human beings.  It gives our lives direction and meaning.  It gives us hope, and the strength to get out of bed each morning, and face another day.

Sure, this week’s episode of Teen Wolf was about revealing the not particularly surprising identity of the Darach, and the even less surprising explanation of Lydia’s gifts.  But it was also about the Scooby Gang struggling to believe . . . in one another’s good intentions and abilities, and in their own capacity to become heroes, and defeat evil.

For a show steeped in fantasy and the supernatural, “The Girl Who Knew Too Much” sure did see a lot of characters being forced to face Reality . . .

Brush up on your Druid chanting, and artistic representation of Oak Trees, Wolfbangers, because it’s time for another recap . .  .

[As always, special thanks to my awesome screencapper Andre, who I know would be kind enough to spare my life, if he ever forced to engage in the ritualistic sacrifice of obscure bloggers . . .]

Death Becomes Her

Can I just put it out there that I believe the TV Trope of Anonymous-Unimportant-Character-is-Introduced- and-Subsequently-Killed-Off-in-the-First-Five-Minutes-of-Your-Teleplay should be banned for all eternity?

Yeah, yeah, I know.  Anonymous Character deaths are a necessary evil when your main story plotline is Serial-Killer-Murders-Three-Vaguely-Related-Characters-Each-Week.  I mean, there’s only so many “Important Characters” you could eviscerate in a single season, without causing fan revolt, right?  (Sorry Boyd!)

And I also recognize that, in this particular case, the “entertainment value” of these scenes has much less to do with the murders themselves, and more to do with figuring out what “theme” will tie them together, so we know which of our main characters is currently in danger of not making it out of the episode alive.

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I just wish the writers would change it up a bit.  You know, instead of having the character get introduced and die in the first scene . . .

Why not start with a lighthearted scene featuring the main characters, to lull the viewers into a false sense of security, and THEN bring on the random violent death . . .

Or maybe you introduce the random character in the first scene, but, in a surprise twist, you let THAT character survive, and kill off the main character nobody was worried about . . .

A third option?  What about making the anonymous character / assumed victim ultimately turn out to be the villain of the episode . . . kind of like the Teen Wolf writers did themselves, when they introduced Kate Argent, back in Season 2?

My own petty grumbles notwithstanding, this week’s “Opening Kill” was actually pretty masterfully done.  For one thing, I found the victim’s stupidity maddeningly engaging.  Girlfriend looks about 100 pounds soaking wet.  And she still decides to wander around an empty school alone, even after she sees an unidentified being dragging a HUMAN body across the floor, with as much ease as if it was a cotton blanket.

It takes a lot to get me to scream at the television, these days.  So, the fact that I am yelping, “GET OUT OF THERE!” and “CALL FOR BACK UP,” and finally “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOUUUUUU!” throughout the entire cold open is actually pretty impressive.

Then comes that deliciously meta moment where the soon-to-be victim finally encounters the corpse she’s been watching the killer drag across the floor all this time, only to find that . . . wait for it . . . IT’S THE VICTIM HERSELF.  She’s been chasing her own dead body, this ENTIRE TIME!

“At least I died clean . . .”

Now, that’s gotta hurt . . .

You know what else has to hurt?  This . . .

“Oh no!  Lord Voldemort is going to kill me.  Where’s Harry Potter when you need him?”

Speaking of meta, I love the self-referential nature of the scene that follows, during which Lydia gripes about how annoying it is to constantly be the one finding the all the dead bodies.  So, Scott graciously “finds” this one for her . . .

(Speaking of Angels of Death, wouldn’t this be a slightly cooler thing for Lydia to be than what she ultimately ended up being?  Angels of Death are awesome!  Banshees just give you a headache.)

Small town cops . . . always sleeping on the job .  . .

This show is quickly becoming the “Where’s Waldo” of Druid Sacrifices . . .

Another nice touch is the later reveal that this particular “Anonymous Murder” isn’t quite so anonymous, in that both Stiles and his dad are personally acquainted with the victim.  As the son of the local Sheriff, who also happens to be a single dad, it makes sense that Stiles would spend a lot of his childhood hanging around the police station, and would, therefore, know most of the cops that worked there.  The fact that Stiles had a relationship with this female cop before she died adds some realism and poignancy to a supernatural series that can sometimes come across as a bit cavalier about its high body count . . .

Meanwhile, over at the Argent Apartment . . .

The Morally Ambiguous Father Figure Club

It’s a surefire sign that something is amiss in your parent / child relationship, if a series of brutal murders occur in your hometown, and your first thought is “Yeah, my dad totally did that.”

Unless, of course, your father is This Guy . . .

The fact that Allison was so quick to assume her father was the Evil Darach, says a lot more about her than it does about him, particularly since, I suspect that few viewers ever genuinely considered him a suspect . .

Then again, maybe all this cloak and dagger suspicion was just an excuse to get Allison rolling around on her bedroom floor with Isaac .  . .

Because if anyone understands what it feels like to be the spawn of a possible sociopath, its the guy whose dad used to lock him in the icebox for sh*ts and giggles, when he breathed too loud at the dinner table . .  .

For about two seconds, Allison seems genuinely annoyed that Isaac climbed through her bedroom window, simply because Scott told him to do so .  . .

(Honestly, sometimes its hard to tell who Isaac has a bigger crush on, Allison or Scott. . . .)

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But then she gets to straddle him on the floor, while he’s sporting what I’m sure is a massive hard-on, and, instantly all is forgiven . . .

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Allison quickly fills in Isaac on the whole “My dad is probably the Darach” thing.  And the two quickly head to Papa Argent’s lair, where they promptly find, etched into his desk, an artistic representation of all the Druid Sacrifices that have occurred in the town this past season . . .

OK, now I know I just said that Papa Argent never seemed like a legitimate suspect to me, but the whole desk art thing threw me for a bit of a loop.  For one thing, etching a Celtic symbol on your desk, with words like “Virgins” and “Guardian” emblazoned across its center, pretty as it might be, seems like a tremendous waste of time for a detective, who could have just as easily gotten the information across, using a piece of notebook paper and a black magic marker.  Secondly, it’s just plain illogical.  Say you catch this Darach, and all the murders are over.  Now, you are stuck having to buy an entirely new desk for when the next inevitable supernatural murderer waltzes into town . . .

Anywhoo, after calling Stiles and warning him that his “Guardian” cop father might be next on the Darach’s hit list, these two crazy kids figure out where the next body will likely be discovered.  So, they head over there, pronto, for what they believe will be a Daddy / Daughter fight to the death . . .

Smells Like Sex and Plot Exposition . . .

Special congratulations go out to the two-weinered monster of Ethan/Aiden this week, for sprouting a second personality to match its second face and sexual preference!

“It’s like looking in a gay mirror . . .”

It all starts when Aiden tells Ethan that just because the Demon Wolf told him to have sex with Danny, doesn’t mean that Ethan should actually enjoy it . . .

But enjoy it Ethan does, soooooooo much!  And better yet, now that the Alpha Pack has decided that nobody else on the show gives two sh*ts about Danny, Ethan can enjoy the sex guilt free!

Personally, I think Aiden’s just jealous, because HIS mandatory sexual conquest, Lydia, stopped f*&king him, after he used Derek’s claws to kill her sort of/ kind of / but not really pal Boyd . . .a total faux-relationship faux pas.

But Lydia’s “friends” force her to start screwing Aiden again, so that they can pump Ethan for more information about Deucalion, which should probably make Lydia feel a bit prostitutety.  But it doesn’t . . .

Hmmm . . . I wonder if werewolves have the capacity to transmit venereal diseases . . .

Crabs . . .

Perhaps, they just transmit fleas like the rest of their species . . .

So, while one personality heads off to Pound Town, the kinder gentler one is punished with the much less glamorous job of Plot Exposition . . .

Apparently, before Ethan/Aiden were the studly two-headed Alpha Wolf that occasionally shared a brain and a pair of pants, they were just a puny pair of Omega Wolves, who suffered regular abuse at the hands of their pack.

That is, until one faithful day when a kindly Demon Wolf taught them to merge bodies, and become a Shrek-looking psycho killer . . .

Question: How did Demon Wolf know they could this?  Is there some sort of a Werewolf Handbook out there that we should know about?

Has Demon Wolf been eating Twins for breakfast, the way most athletes eat Wheaties?

Oh, and did I mention that Alpha Pack wolves have a very bad habit of murdering their trusty pet Druid Emissaries, along with the rest of their pack?

Sucks for you, Chick from Pretty Little Liars . . .

Also, now there’s a pretty good chance this Darach Thing is nothing more than an Undead Disgruntled Former Employee, which, in case you were curious, is kind of like a regular Disgruntled Former Employee . . . only smellier.

We interrupt this Plot Exposition to bring you More Sex .  . .

And we interrupt More Sex to bring you this Pretty Picture of a Swirly Thingy . . .

Damn, Lydia and Straight!Wolf fogged up those windows FAST!

Oh, I’m sorry, did I say Pretty Picture of a Swirly Thingy?  I meant MASSIVE ASS-KICKING BY DEREK HALE.

Oh, I’m sorry did I say MASSIVE ASS KICKING BY DEREK HALE?  I meant Not Particularly Impressive Attempt at an Ass Kicking By CORA HALE . . .

Still girlfriend gets points for spunk, along with what is probably a concussion . . .

 Fortunately, Ethan has the magic power of being able to “feel” when his brother is being a douchebag (which is pretty much all the time).  So, he rushes in with the rest of the Scooby Gang to stop his brother from morphing from Pathetic Loser Who Beats Up Teenage Girls into Horrible Human Being Loser Who Kills Them . . .

“B*tch ruined my black wife beater shirt . . . All the coolest wife beaters wear them!”

Speaking of horrible, Cora is kind of the most ungrateful wench ever.  She thanks the Scooby Gang for saving her life by telling them they suck at their job as Crime Fighters.  “All you guys do is find the bodies,” Cora quips.

BRRRRRR!  That’s COLD!

Rudeness aside, Girlfriend’s kind of got a point . .  .  It seems like each season, the series’ Big Bad successfully murders increasingly more Casting Extras, before the Scooby Gang can finally pull their heads out of their asses long enough to stop them . . .

Speaking of people with their heads up their asses . . .

Afternoon Darach elight

We interrupt this Scene of Actual Character Development and Plot Significance to bring you this completely pointless Moment of Derek and English Teacher Making Out in the Middle of a Creepy Dark Tunnel . . .

Remember how I used to say the writers should hurry up and give Derek Hale a love interest, because watching a delicious male specimen like Derek Hale hump another human being would be a MAJOR turn-on, no matter who that human being happened to be?

Be careful what you wish for Wolfbangers . . .

Let’s add “Thinks Only With His Weiner” and “Occasionally Forgets What Show He’s On” to the ever-growing list of character flaws the writers have saddled poor Derek Hale with this season.  Shall we?

We interrupt this makeout for yet another shot of Lydia Martin Screaming . . .

That’s right, Wolfbangers, it looks like some other random extra has been taken.   It appears the Darach’s current target of “Guardians” is not actually “Cops,” as the Scooby Gang once thought, but . . . wait for it . . . teachers.

Apparently, the Episode’s First Victim was a Teacher, Before she was a cop, which is convenient news for the storyline, but really sucky news for her . . .

As promised, Isaac and Allison track the new body to yet another abandoned warehouse.  (Sidenote: Beacon Hills apparently contains even more Abandoned Warehouses than it does werewolves and random assorted supernatural creatures.  They should put THAT in the brochure . . .)

There, they encounter the body  . . .

the Darach .  . .

. . . and Allison’s dad, who, SURPRISE, isn’t a Serial Killer After All!  Huzzah!

Truth be told, Allison’s Pops looks mighty sexy, as he came out of the shadows guns blazing to attach the evil Darach . . .

DILF . . .

And yet, considering the guy is supposedly this FABULOUSLY Talented Hunter, you’d think he’d be better at conserving bullets . . . or at least, actually hitting the target at which he was shooting . . .

Darach: 1, Papa Argent: 0

It looks like everybody’s favorite Druid is going to have to Die Another Day . . .

Speaking of dying . . .

Dying to Be Heard

At least as far as TV Parents go, Papa Stilinski is typically beyond reproach, working hard every day to support his son financially and emotionally, while keeping him (mostly) safe from the evils that seem to lurk around Beacon Hill’s every corner.  The writers even allow him to solve a crime every once in a while!

This week, however, Papa S has a bit of a setback, character wise, when Stiles, after weeks of procrastination and hand-wringing, finally decides to come clean to him about the fact that the two of them are actually characters on a supernatural teen television series, despite the sheriff’s belief that he is the star of CSI: Beacon Hills.

No amount of carefully-crafted chess metaphors are going to make an average blue-collar guy like Sheriff Stilinski take this information well . . .

“You see, Allison’s the Queen.  Scott’s the King.  Danny used to be the pawn.  But now, I guess Lydia’s the pawn.  Isaac’s the Rook.  And I’m the Knight that actually gets sh*t done . . .”

Disbelief is one thing, but Papa S’s anger at Stiles for revealing this information makes the scene particularly hard to watch.

But wait . . . there’s hope!  Stiles has an ACTUAL WEREWOLF, on hand!  Show him your funky wolf face, Cora Hale!  Make the man a believer . . .

 . . . or just fall on the floor, and take a nap . . . whichever you prefer . . .

After taking Cora to the ER, Stiles tries again to get through to his father, who is now thoroughly fed up with his son’s “overactive imagination.”  But Stiles has one final hand to play, and it’s a doozy.

Stiles’ mother’s untimely demise has always been an emotional lynchpin of this series.  The revelation of Stiles’ panic attacks, his belief that he somehow played a role in his mother’s death, his father’s struggles with alcoholism, all of these little peeks into the collective Stilinski family psyche have made these characters so much more complex and interesting than they otherwise would have been.  So as much as I love nerdy, jokey Stiles, Dylan O’Brien’s seamless ability to convey the character’s darker, more vulnerable side, never fails to impress me.  And we got a nice glimpse of that in this episode . . .

That said, Papa Stilinski and I are kind of in a fight right now . . .

No one makes my Stiles cry, without incurring my WRATH . .  .

Speaking of people who refuse to be silenced, Mama McCall helpfully recounts to Papa Stilinski the tale of a  female patient  mauled by animals a few weeks back, who somehow managed to get an entire flock of birds to mourn her death, by committing suicide against her hospital window?

Sound familiar?

There aren’t any birds at Cora Hale’s bedside though, only one very guilty-feeling big  brother . . .

Meanwhile, back at Beacon Hills High . . .

Concert of Horrors

You know your town suffers from way too many, untimely, unexplainable by traditional science, deaths, when you start foregoing the tradition funeral / memorial service, and start paying homage to your dearly departed by just throwing them a high school band concert, every once in a while.  You know, because nothing says “I’m sorry you were hung from your wrists and gutted like a fish,” like a bunch of sweaty 16 year olds playing a bad rendition of Beethoven’s “Moonlight Sonata” in a smelly gym . . .

Our entire Scooby Gang converges on the school that night to watch a lame concert, and protect their beloved teachers from being the Darach’s next victim.  Danny is one of the players. So lovestruck Ethan wishes him luck by giving him a breathmint, before he goes on stage . . . a gift which not only implies that the poor kid has bad breath, but also is REALLY dangerous to be sucking while you are PLAYING A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT.  Hasn’t this kid already choked enough on foreign substances to last a life time?

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Though really dumb about the art of playing musical instruments, Ethan is smart enough about supernatural killers to know that something SUPER BAD is going to go down at his concert.  So, he tells Danny to find him, the minute things start to go wrong . . .  unless of course he’s under the control of the Darach at the time, and chanting in Druid . . . in which case Ethan will just see him later, Mmm-kay?

Meanwhile, in the audience, Lydia has a surprisingly sweet moment with Scott, during which she promises to find the dead body BEFORE it dies this time around.  Scott promises her that, if she does that, he will put an end to the Darach.  They hold hands and silently remind the audience that they once sucked face, back in Season 1 . . .

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Then, Lydia gets a text to meet Aiden, in private for a matter of “Life and Death,” which in Aiden-speak is code for “Blue Balls.”

Lydia goes to meet him, around the same time Aiden complains that he lost his phone.  Ruh-ROH!

Upon hearing that telltale chanting once again, Lydia finds herself face-to-face with the ever elusive Darach, who is . . .

Because Every Woman Who F*&ks Derek Hale Turns Out to be Dead or Evil (sometimes both)

DEREK’S F*&K BUDDY MAGIC COOCHIE THE ENGLISH TEACHER!  SURPRISE!  Not surprised

This reveal reminds me of the time, back early in the season, when a disgruntled Sterek fan wrote publicly to Jeff Davis, about how much she hated the Dennifer pairing, a ship that seemed to come literally out of nowhere, caused Derek to behave in a manner that was entirely out of character, and had about as much substance as one of those bad romance novels my grandma used to buy for $2.50 at the local Shop Rite . . .

Jeff Davis cautiously replied that he hoped the fan didn’t give up on the show, because there was more to Dennifer than met the eye . . .

Clearly, this is what he meant.  And while the Jennifer-as-Darach plot conceit mostly exonerates Davis for what appeared to be the poorest written romance in Teen Wolf history . . . (It was SUPPOSED to be SHALLOW, GUYS!  She’s EVIL!  It’s like writing Lord Voldemort as a romantic lead in Harry Potter . . .  Dude just doesn’t do hearts and flowers.)

Be my Valentine?

 . . . it does present to viewers another, much larger problem, one which I like to call the “Dumbification of Derek Hale.”

The two or three of you that have actually been reading these recaps of mine since Season 1 know that Derek was MY GUY . . .

(I didn’t jump onto the Stiles Bandwagon with you smarter, less shallow, viewers until somewhere around late season 1 .  . .)

He was the “Bad Boy” . . . the “Brooding, Morally Ambiguous Anti-Hero” with the dark past, who was battling his own personal demons . . . and (as all TV Bad Boys do) just really needed the good love of a nerdy TV Recapper to solve all his problems . . .

But as the series progressed, I learned, much to my chagrin, that Derek is not an anti-hero because he’s morally ambiguous . . .  he’s an anti-hero, because he fails miserably at heroism . . .

Let’s face it, in the past two seasons, the writers have made Derek terrible at solving crimes, lousy at battling big bads, unskilled at choosing pack members, uninspiring as an Alpha, inexperienced as a leader, not so hot at being a big brother, and an absolutely HIDEOUS judge of character, when it comes to the women with whom he chooses to share his Little Dog . . .

Having Derek, a guy who supposedly has SERIOUS trust issues, fall so quickly for an evil vixen like Jennifer, who most of the fans pegged as being bad news, since the day she creepily texted all her students a quote from Joseph Conrad’s Heart of Darkness, does terrible, horrible, no good very bad things for a character, who was already in serious need of image rehabilitation.

And I’m just not sure the writers are going to be able to put the proverbial Humpty Dumpty back together, this time around . . .

Oh, and I almost forgot.  Lydia’s a Banshee . . .

Jennifer tells her so, in one of those frustrating scenes where the Big Bad has it’s nemesis by the claws, and then proceeds to talk for 12 minutes, rather than just . . . oh . . . I don’t know, killing her, like she promised to do in the first place.

“I know I was supposed to be doing something right no.  And I just can’t seem to remember what it is . . .”

(Here’s a fanfiction idea for you guys.  I think Stiles should have been the one to tell Lydia of her true nature.  I just think the reveal would have been a lot more poignant coming from him, given all the two have been through together, with respect to Lydia’s “gift.”  Start writing now! ;))

Meanwhile, back at the concert, the entire high school band becomes possessed and starts that creepy chanting, as one of the teachers, a piano teacher, quickly falls dead of Mistletoe poisoning .  . .

But hey, at least Danny’s breath is super fresh!

Poor Stiles’ Dad.  He should have baby stepped into the world of Supernatural Knowledge, when Stiles gave him the chance.  Instead, in a matter of about two minutes, he (1) watches a Concert of Evil; (2) hears Lydia Banshee Scream; (3) sees Scott Wolf Out; (4) Gets kissed by a hot teacher, who turns into Lord Voldemort mid tongue lashing;

(5) gets staked in the stomach with a flying knife thingy; and (6) probably gets kidnapped as the Darach’s next Guardian Sacrifice, while his son watches in horror from behind a locked door, in the episode’s chilling final cliffhanger moments . . .

“Is it Friday yet?”

Methinks someone is going to be needing A LOT of therapy, after this all is over . . .

But hey, at least now, he knows his son is not a liar . . .

Next week on Teen Wolf , Peter Hale finally comes out of retirement!  Stiles and Lydia MAKE OUT . . . and I’m sure some other stuff happens with that pesky Darach . . .

Until next time, Wolfbangers!

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Nature versus Nurture – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Visionary”

“I kind of always assumed it was genetic,” shrugs Stiles, when asked by Peter if he knows why some werewolves have golden eyes, and others have blue.

This week on Teen Wolf, we learn that, unlike human eye color, the hue of a werewolves’ peepers is borne out of life experience.

In fact, much of “Visionary” deals with the theme of “Nature versus Nurture.”

In addition to offering up some pretty meaty back stories for Beacon Hills’ most notorious heroes and villains, this uber ambitious Teen Wolf installment also aimed tackle some of the series’ longest running mysteries, like:

Was Derek Hale always such a sour wolf?

Does he know how to play any other musical instruments, apart from his washboard abs?

Was Peter Hale always such a creepy stalker type (or is this a new “post death” habit he’s developed)?

Was Dead!Ennis ever capable of human speech beyond just grunting?

“Grrrrrrrrr .  . .”

Is Deucalion faking his blindness, or what?

Does telling the fable about the scorpion and the frog three times in one hour make the story less annoying?

And yet, as informative as this season of Teen Wolf has been, I fear there are some questions about this show to which we might never learn the answers.  For example:

What the f*&k is up with the Teen Wolf timeline?

Are Derek and Peter Hale secretly older than the Salvatore Brothers on TVD?

If werewolves age more slowly than normal humans, how come they are the only characters in flashbacks that consistently get older, while the human adults always look the same?

Frustrating, isn’t it?

Anyway .  . . onward, to the RECAP!

[As always, special thanks to our resident recapping genius, Andre, who I know would totally be kind enough to squeeze my hand and take all my pain away, if I ever started drooling black goo .  . .]

About a Girl

For a good looking guy, Derek Hale sure has SH*TTY luck with the ladies . . .

Up until this point, we’ve all assumed that it was saucy sociopath Kate Argent, who converted Derek into the cliched Lone Wolf, by seducing him, and then summarily proceeding to BURN DOWN HIS HOUSE, AND KILL EVERYONE HE EVER LOVED . . .

As it turns out, Derek’s experience with Kate only further cemented his belief that love sucks, and almost always ends in horrific untimely death . . .

Meet Paige.  She plays the oboe(?), and wears Mom Jeans.

She’s also about to ruin Derek for women for all eternity . . .

(Well .  . . at least women, who don’t have magic coochies .  . .)

When Paige who almost looks too much like Miss Magic Coochie for it to be a mere coincidence accuses young Derek of interrupting her “Band Practice” . . .

. . . he proceeds to shove his balls in her face . . .

. . . well . . . more like one ball, actually.

Derek Hale – DE-NIED!

Round Two of the Mating Game:  Paige offers to tell Derek her name, if he can play her a musical instrument.  Derek’s choice?

(Personally, I think the drums would have been a more manly selection.  But the triangle wins on snark value, as it is pretty much the most useless musical instrument ever invented . . . No offense to all you Concert Trianglists out there . . .)

Thank you for playing the Mating Game, Derek and Paige!  You may now proceed to grope and fondle one another in dark, creepy abandoned places, where teens like you tend to get killed in horror movies . . .

“Come grope me in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre house.  It’s totally safe!”

Speaking of killers, this episode marks the return of Young!Peter, a character wh0 heretofore only existed in Lydia’s wacky hallucinations . . .

What’s interesting about this portion of the episode is that Derek’s flashback is told entirely from the point-of-view of Peter, even though Peter seems to have NOTHING AT ALL TO DO WITH THIS STORY.

“I’m just cool like that.”

So, basically, we get to watch a bunch of scenes with Derek and Paige, during which Peter is inexplicably lurking in the background, doing absolutely nothing of importance . . .

In other words, it’s kind of like what happens in every episode of this season . .  .

Some fans have speculated that this is because Peter is lying to Cora and Stiles.  And that HE and not Derek was the true heartbroken lothario in this story.

He’s even shown to have golden (and not blue) eyes himself, when the story begins . . .

But what would Peter gain by lying about something as seemingly unrelated to the main narrative as this?

Since we are on the subject of Peter, it’s important to note that his presence in the story is our first shred of evidence that all is not what it seems, when it comes to werewolf aging.

After all, in present day, Peter appears to be a good six to seven years older than Derek, whereas in the flashbacks, he looks to be only a year or two older tops . . .

To further complicate things, Flashback!Derek makes a comment that Peter isn’t supposed to be on school grounds.  Since we already know from previous episodes that the latter graduated from Beacon Hills as a basketball star, this little tidbit of information would seem to suggest that Peter IS much older than Derek, and DID graduate about six or seven years earlier than him, but still LOOKS the same as he did in high school.

Speaking of playing basketball . . .is it a mere coincidence that both Peter and his nephew excelled in the sport?  Or is this yet another hint that Derek’s “Doomed Love Story” with Paige was actually Peter’s own?

He’s also a tad pathetic for continuing to hang out with high school kids, despite being well into his mid twenties . . .

Then again, the same could be said about Derek and Peter, in present day . . .

Anywhoo, if we are to believe Peter’s narrative, even though he is the first to plant the seeds in Derek’s head that he must turn Paige into a werewolf, or risk losing her forever . . .

So is herpes, buddy . . .

 . . .  it’s ultimately Derek who arranges for Ennis to attack Paige at school, and give her “The Bite.”  (Of course, this so-called agreement between Ennis and Derek happens off-screen.  So, we can’t be too sure.)

So, a bite is exactly what Paige gets.

Talk about someone who should be banned from school grounds.

“I love it when girls play hard to get.”

“Hey there, Little Girl.  Ever had a hickey from a Big Bad Wolf?”

And then she BITES THE DUST . . .

“I am the Angel of Death.”

But not before a heartbreakingly agonizing scene during which she tells Derek she pretty much knew exactly what he was, and loved him anyway . . . thereby making this whole biting thing completely unnecessary.

She could have lived, DAMMIT!

Let that be a lesson to YOU, people who like to hire strange men to bite their significant others .  .  .

Paige then, more or less, asks Derek to kill her fast, because she is unable to cope with the pain of the slow, painful death of her body rejecting the bite . . .

So, Derek gives Paige the “Hug of Death,” which I assume breaks her spine.

And that’s how Derek Hale first became a murderer, or more accurately a mercy killer.  He saw an animal in a lethal amount of pain.  And he put that animal to sleep . . .  kind of like a veterinarian . . .

“That was cold.”

Of course, like I said, most veterinarians don’t hire grunting gorilla types to bite people’s pets, and make them die .  . . no matter how much that would help their business to thrive . . . at least I hope not.  Almost immediately after “killing” Paige, Derek gets a shiny new pair of colored contacts . . .

“Worry not, Sonny Boy.  I still love your murderous ass.  Too bad I’m about to suffer a horrible death, like every other woman in your life . .  .”

Peter tells Cora and Stiles that wolves’ eyes turn from gold to blue, after they take an innocent human life.  (As a blue-eyed person myself, I find this highly offensive and “color-ist”)

“I’m not a colorist.  Some of my best friends have blue eyes!”

It also poses more questions than it answers.  Jackson’s eyes turned blue, when he became a wolf, presumably because of all the people Matt had him kill as a kanaima . . . most of whom did little more wrong than attend a party where a little boy fell in the pool and almost drowned.  Sure, laughing at a drowning kid is mean, but it doesn’t make a person sufficiently “not innocent” to deserve untimely death . . .

On the other hand, Jackson only killed while under the control of Matt, and arguably should not be “blue,” for actions over which he had no autonomy.

The case of Peter, who’s beta form also includes blue eyes, is even more intriguing.  Peter killed a crap load of people as the Alpha in season 1.  However, each of those people played a significant role in the fire that killed his family.  And therefore, arguably none of them were “innocent,” like Paige.

Perhaps, Peter secured his blue-eyed beta form when he killed Laura Hale to become an Alpha. . .

But was Laura Hale, herself truly innocent?

At the time we first heard about her, we all assumed that Laura inherited her title of Alpha, when her shapeshifting mother Talia (who we now know was Alpha prior to Laura) died in the Hale family fire.

But according to “Ye Olde Wise Hale Family Guide” Deaton (with the exception of Special Snowflake Scott) Alphas only become Alphas by killing their predecessors.  So, did Laura kill Talia?  And, if so, under what circumstances?  Had she euthanized her mother due to injuries she sustained in the fire?  Or was the murder something a bit more malicious?

“Whatchu talkin about recapper?”

I found it noteworthy that Laura Hale appeared nowhere in this flashback, despite her presumably being around the same age as Peter and Derek at the time all this “Paige Stuff” was going down . . .

Have I confused you enough yet?

Here’s another question?  What happens to a pack whose Alpha dies for reasons entirely unrelated to homicide?  Do they just wander the Earth Alpha-less?  Because that seems like a pretty piss poor way to run a species . . .

“Will YOU be my Alpha?”

Upon determining that Sassy Uncle Peter is full of sh*t, Stiles decides to go to the source, and ask Derek himself, what really happened between him and Paige.  So, maybe we’ll get some answers from him.

“So, do you wanna talk about it?”

“NO!”

“All righty then . . .”

But somehow I doubt it.  Derek has never exactly been the eloquent type .  . .

This is your brain.

This is your brain on Teen Wolf . . .

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Flashback Land . . .

Beware the EYES of March . . .

Peter Hale isn’t the only Teen Wolf villain doling out bedtime stories.

In exchange for some magical hand fondles from Scott, that sexy Drooler of Shoe Polish, Gerard Argent decides to tell Scott and Allison the story of how Deucalion first lost his sight . . .

“This feels kind of like an orgasm . . . only really, really sh*tty.”

It all starts when Ennis . . .  yes THAT Ennis . . . loses a member of his pack, presumably after that member is killed and cut in half by Gerard himself.

“So much for being the first talking Asian wolf on this show . . .”

If we are to believe Gerard’s story, before they became the Alpha Pack, Ennis’s Pack, Kali’s Pack, and Deucalion’s Pack all live in the vicinity of Beacon Hills.

*lots of hot extras, who we will unfortunately never see again*

For example, I’m really liking the guy to the left of the douche who ultimately tried to kill Deucalion . . .

(Also if we are to believe Gerard’s story, the Argent family lived in Beacon Hills long before they supposedly “moved in to town” during the episode pilot.)

Commence retcon immediately . . .

Ennis somehow arranges for all the packs to convene in Beacon Hills to discuss the “Hunter Situation.”  Specifically, he wants to meet with Derek’s mom, because she’s a naked chick, with the power to turn into a “Real Wolf,” as opposed to those bizarre wolf-headed man things into which everyone else on the show turns.

Happiest wolf ever . . .

Happiest Wolf Ever after a good shaving . . .

But then, of course, once everyone arrives at the meeting, Sneaky Ennis decides to engage in some graffiti.

Apparently, doing this makes everyone in the room wolf-bound to help him in his plan to get vengeance on the hunters.

BETA 1: “Dammit, I knew I should have gone to the bathroom.  Now, I’m stuck on this stupid Revenge Death Mission . . .”

BETA 2: “Ennis is an ass.  He’s the kind of guy who would kill his own pack, just to gain their powers.  We are so lucky we have a nice, level-headed Alpha like Kali leading us.  She’d never do something awful like that.”

KALI: “Whistles.”

Long story short, pretty much everything bad that’s ever happened in this series is Ennis’ fault . . .  No wonder they decided to squash his head like a melon . . .

Gerard and the wolf pack ultimately arrange a “peaceable” meeting, and, from Gerard’s telling, the wolves turn on him, as is their “nature.”

There goes that pesky Scorpion / Frog story again   . . .

However, as viewers, we have the benefit of SEEING flashbacks.  So, we know that Gerard is full of crap, and lashed out against the wolves first, by gassing them with wolfsbane . . .

“I swear I thought it was the air conditioner . . .”

“All right, which one of you wolves farted?”

 . . . and then wacking them on the noggin with this weird club thingy that makes him look like a REAALLLLLLY OLD version of Bam-Bam on the Flintstones . . .

Of course, it’s Gerard who ultimately blinds Deucalion . . .

“Care for some Lasik Surgery?”

“I knew I should have just stuck with contacts . . .”

 . . . but not ALL of him  . . . as one ill-fated power hungry beta soon learns, when he tries to use Deucalion’s newfound blindness as an opportunity to take control of his pack . . .

“I’m not being beta to a blind wolf again.  They are always making me walk into walls.”

“See ya in hell, Douchebag!”

You see, Deucalion may be blind as a human, but as a wolf, he still has his full sight.  (And that, my dear Wolfbangers, was the first part of this story that actually made sense to me.)

Nice knowing ya, Guy Who Strangely Resembles Marcel from The Originals.  See ya next lifetime . . . when you become a vampire in New Orleans.

So, now we know Deucalion wasn’t always such a douchebag.  In fact, he probably would have ended up being a nice, peace loving Alpha, with a penchant for old man sweaters straight out of This Guy’s closet . . . .

“Won’t you be my beta?”

 . . . were it not for Ennis and his cave paintings . . .  He also, apparently, wouldn’t have had that accent.  (Because I’m pretty sure he didn’t have it in the flashbacks.)  Because suffering and loss have the power to make you British . . . who knew?

Like Stiles and Cora, Allison and Scott also happen to think their bedtime storyteller is full of crap . . .

“Why should I believe you when sh*t LITERALLY comes out of your mouth, every time you speak?”

But to really learn the truth about what happened back then, Allison and Scott will probably have to ask Deucalion himself

. . .  which seems like a monumentally BAAAAD idea . . .

Speaking of Bad Ideas, guess who has decided to take up cave painting?

Silly Sour Wolf!  Revenge Plots are for people who want to end up with their heads squashed . . .

Next week on Teen Wolf, we finally get to learn what Lydia is probably a banshee, and the true identity of the darach probably Magic Coochie.

Also  . . . SHIRTLESS ALPHA DANCING!

(It’s like Magic Mike . . . only hairier)

Annnnnd here’s the trailer(s) . . .

Until next time, Wolfbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][My Tumblr] [Fangirls Forever 2 – I SELL TEEN WOLF SHIRTS HERE!]

Sacrificial Wolf – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Currents”

“Well this is awkward . . .”

One of the downsides of being a lead protagonist on a supernatural series is that the mere act of being your friend, relative, lover,  or random acquaintance literally causes people to DIE.  Elena Gilbert, Buffy Summers, Sam and Dean Winchester, Sookie Stackhouse, the folks from Being Human, Arya Stark . . . these folks actually share very little in common with one another, apart from the impenetrable cloud of death that follows them wherever they go . . .

Unfortunately, the same goes for Scott McCall and Derek Hale, both of whose friendships are not unlike some venereal diseases . . . incredibly painful and deadly, if not properly treated.

All of this is basically my long-winded way of saying, R.I.P. Vernon Boyd.  If only you had been wearing protection . . . like a bullet proof vest, or a body condom . . .

Thank goodness, Stiles already has one of those . . .

But if I were Isaac, I’d probably be wearing this over my clothes every week .  . .

Is that a toilet plunger he’s holding?

This week, on Teen Wolf we learned all about currents . . .

 .  . . and why, no matter how badly you want to be kissed on Christmas, it’s a bad idea to eat Mistletoe . . .

 . . . also this week on Teen Wolf, I was reminded why I’m petrified of moths . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always special thanks to my amazing screencapper Andre, to whom I would absolutely lend my body condom (never used . . . don’t worry), if I thought, for a second, that being my friend was harmful to his health . . .)

It’s Hard Out There for a Pimp Nurse . . .

Mama McCall is having a rough night.

It’s as if she went to bed a supporting character on Teen Wolf, and woke up the star of Grey’s Anatomy . . .

“Doctor McDreamy is so steamy!”

 .  . . which would be great for a swinging single lady like Mama McCall, except for one small problem . . .ALL THE HOT DOCTORS ARE EITHER DEAD . . .

 . . . or out catching butterflies . . . with their mouths . . .

“Nom-nom.   Got one!”

Talk about warped priorities!  Then again, what do you expect from a woman stupid enough to pick up a hitchhiker who looks like THIS . . .

“Could I possibly trouble you to drop me off at the Gates of Hell?”

(I guess they don’t teach you about Stranger Danger in Med School.)

Meanwhile, back in the hospital, Scott takes away some lady’s pain, just by fondling her boob wrist.

I thought he was only able to do that with puppies!

Then, because everybody needs a little Christmas (right this very minute), Ethan carries Danny into the hospital.  And the latter proceeds to vomit SO MUCH Mistletoe (definitely an entire wreath’s worth) all over the hospital floor . . .

Ethan must eat poison mistletoe all the time, because he knew exactly what it was the minute Danny spewed . . .

“My boyfriend is a total lightweight . . .”

(It kind of reminds me of that time, back in fourth grade science class, when I had to dissect pellets of owl vomit, and determine, based on the types of bones I was pulling out, what the bulimic bird had for breakfast.  I wish I was kidding about this . . .)

I’m just trying to figure out how the Darach managed to get Danny to eat all that plantlife, without him even knowing what he was consuming.  Of course, I have my theories . . .

Christmas weenie?

(Speaking of kissing, if we are to believe what Ethan told Scott this week, now that the Alpha Twins know that Scott doesn’t give two craps about Danny, the “love” between this computer hacking, musical instrument-playing, science nerd / former best friend of Jackson and the Gay Alpha Twin could actually be 100% legit.  And they say romance is dead!)

From Showmance to Romance . . .

When Danny stops breathing, due to an allergic reaction to the mistletoe, Mama McCall saves him by stabbing his chest with a syringe, to allow air his escape his lungs.  I was impressed to learn that the medical science presented in this scene was actually real . . . at least the part about the deflated lung, and the syringe.  I’m not really sure about the whole “Mistletoe Thing.”

Mama McCall is hero!  (Though, in hindsight, wouldn’t it have been easier for Scott the Messiah to just fondlle Danny’s chest a little bit, like he did with that lady?)

“Now you tell me?”

Speaking of ladies in pain,  did you ever hear the expression, “You are what you eat?”  Because apparently, that doctor chick from earlier in the episode turned into a moth, which made driving her car highly inconvenient . . .

Driving Ms. Mothy . . .

I’m just kidding, of course.  Moth eating lady, and that Other Doctor are both taken (and ultimately killed) by the EEEEEVVVVIIIIIL DARACH.  I just happen to think transforming the doctor into a bug would have been much funnier, than hanging her from the ceiling (like MISTLETOE!) and murdering her off-screen . . . DARACH FAIL!

“I get no respect.”

Window Dressing

Speaking of fails, Kali the Werewolf may be tops, when it comes to grabbing foreign objects with her toes, and murdering people.  But when it comes to Threats Disguised as Window Art, she’s kind of one-note.

“I think it’s beautiful.”

If I were her, I’d probably go for something a bit more personal, like “KALI & ENNIS 4 EVA.”

Rest in Peace guy who had no lines the entire season (and who eventually had his face squashed like a rotten melon).

Speaking of window dressing, how adorable were Scott and Isaac, when they kept bedside vigil by Mama McCall’s bedside, so she wouldn’t be kidnapped by Lord Voldemort and his band of Evil Moth-Loving Tree People?

So what if they ended up being the Worst Bodyguards EVER?  It’s the thought that counts, right?

“We were just resting our eyes.  We promise.”

“I don’t remember anyone telling me this kid moved into our house.”

In other window dressing news, I know Deaton’s a vet, and loves animals, and all.  But his idea of curtains leaves much to be desired . . .

“I wanted my drapes to match my carpet.”

Upon seeing the moths hanging out outside his window, Deaton calls Scott, and tells the werewolf he’s about to require a rescue.

“Is this 1-900-KILLDARACH?”

“I can’t talk right now.  My English teacher keeps texting me about not taking calls during class.”

I thought this was particularly insightful on Deaton’s part.  I mean, if I saw moths outside my window like that, I’d probably just call the exterminator.  Or, more likely, I’d tell whoever was in the house with me at the time to go kill them, while I cowered in the corner with my hands over my eyes.  Yeah, I’m THAT Girl  . . .

I hope you have flood insurance . . .

I’m not exactly sure how much time passed between the events of “Motel California” and those of “Currents.”  But I did find it odd that Boyd and Isaac never said boo to Derek about how he more or less faked his own death, devastating the pack, while he hid out in a hole boning the English Teacher . . .

“You are pretty much the worst packmaster ever.  But we still heart you.”

I also find it strange that Derek seemingly had no problem with flooding his whole apartment, just so that MAYBE he could electrocute one barefoot wolf lady.

“Your idea is kind of terrible, to be honest.”

Granted the guy has no furniture in his apartment, apart from  . .  . sometimes a table.  So, it’s not like there was much property to be damaged.  But still . . .

P.S.  Where is Peter during all this?

“You people are idiots.”

Sassy Uncle Pete would have totally talked some sense into this crew, if he were here.  Maybe Boyd would even still be alive!

Daddy Daycare

Stiles, I know things are tough for you right now.  But its high time you came out to your dad about how pretty much all your friends are werewolves, and your future girlfriend is most likely a banshee  . . .

Like they say in those commercials . . . “It gets better.”

Speaking of getting better, Team Parents was a roll this week.  Not only did Mama McCall save Danny’s life, and manage to make it through the entire hour without getting eaten by moths, she also, along with Sheriff Stilinski, pretty much solved the entire mystery of the episode.  The nurse and the sheriff basically took on the roles typically embodied by Stiles and Lydia on this show.  Like Stiles before her, Mama McCall was responsible for determining the way in which the Darach murdered the “healers.”  (Asphyxiation by hanging).  As for Sheriff Stilinski, he not only ended up being the first on the scene, when Scott’s father figure Deaton first went missing, he was also, ultimately, the one who ended up saving his life.  (More on that later of course . . .)

Speaking of smart cookie characters over the age of 30 (a rarity in teen TV), Papa Argent also played a part in solving this week’s mystery, which I’ll get to in just a bit . . .

Knock, Knock . . . (Who’s there?)

Meanwhile, back at school, Lydia is getting laid by Aidan again.

“He still hasn’t learned where to put his hands.”

(What’s with these two hooking up in classrooms all the time?  Why can’t they do it in the car, or their parents’ basement like normal teenagers?  Then again, I’m not even sure the Alpha Twins have parents.  Perhaps, they used to have them, but they ate them . . .)

“Son, have you done your homework?”

Someone pulls the fire alarm at this point.  But no one really seems to go outside . . .

Then, Cora appears out of nowhere, which I guess means she pulled the fire alarm?  That reminds me, does Cora even go to school?  I hope so, because I’d hate to see what kind of education one would get by being home-schooled by Derek Hale . . .

Cora tells Lydia that Derek doesn’t want her to date Aidan anymore.  Derek’s sudden concern for Lydia is pretty adorable, especially considering that the only real interaction these two have had with one another was that time that Lydia blew wolfsbane in Derek’s face, and brought his “evil” uncle back from the dead, who she sort-of / kind-of made out with once . . .

Not exactly a match made in Heaven when it comes to these two . . .

Now that I think about it, having dated both Kanaima Jackson, (almost, but not really) Peter, and now Aidan, Lydia has swapped spit with nearly every season’s Big Bad.  Who’s next?  Deucalion?

The Darach?

Hey, at least if Lydia started making out with Gerard, he’d finally get some of that black crap out of his mouth . . .

Anywhoo, on Deaton’s sister, Ms. Morell’s advice, Stiles and Cora decide to “inspire” Lydia to find where the Darach is hiding by playing with Ouiji Boards and letting her draw stuff . . .

Silly Stiles!  Haven’t you figured out by now that Lydia can only “communicate” psychically with the dead, and Vet Deaton is still alive?

I was also kind of surprised that Stiles didn’t recognize that, by drawing a tree, Lydia might actually have been communicating with the Darach, after all.  Wasn’t he the one who translated the word Darach to mean “dark oak?”

“It’s like the writers forgot you were smart?”

I fear that perpetual virginity is starting to eat away at Stiles’ brain.  It’s time to fix that problem.  I’m looking at you, Lydia . . .

Elsewhere in school, Scott hears the annoying sound of a tapping cane.  Sigh . . .  am I the only one who thinks this Big Bad needs a new prop?  The blind jokes are getting kind of old . . .

Choose your adventure . . .

In yet another abandoned classroom, Deucalion commandeers Scott for a game of “Cane Keepaway,” which, from the looks of it, is kind of like Monkey in the Middle . . . only for blind people . . . with no friends . . .

After that fun is over, Deucalion helpfully tells Scott that he can find is little Vet friend by “following the currents.”  The only problem is, if he does that, Derek will probably die, because Kali will kill him . . .Choices .  . . choices . . .

Is that a boner in your pocket or . . . is that a boner in your pocket?

Unable to decide between saving the boss who pays him minimum wage, and the hot guy who always lets him down, Scott heads on over to Allison’s apartment.  Because while Big Scott can’t even decide whether he wants cereal or pancakes for breakfast, Little Scott always seems to know exactly what he wants . . .

Now, admittedly, I’ve never exactly been a Scott and Allison fan.  That said, I absolutely ADORE Allison and Little Scott.  Check out how much chemistry these two have with one another in the closet?

In fact, with the exception of Stiles’ Weiner, Scott’s Weiner might very well be my favorite character on this show . . .

After their close encounters of the closet kind, Scott and Allison head to Papa Argent’s lair, where they learn that the now-out-of-retirement werewolf hunter, has not only been closely mapping the Darach kidnappings and murders, he’s also been predicting where subsequent ones will take place!

I told you Team Parents took home a win, this week . . .

I dream of Stilinski

Speaking of winning, my favorite scene in the entire episode was the one where Stiles visits Danny in the hospital, and tries to convince the latter, he’s dreaming, so he can snoop in peace . . .

*whistles a lullaby*

Stiles correctly assumes that the Darach poisoned but didn’t kill Danny, in order to prevent the latter from important information about the other sacrifices.  Lo and behold, Stiles finds a term paper in Danny’s bag about . . . wait for it  . . . currents.

Did someone say “Currents”?  (That’s the title of this episode!)

There goes Teen Wolf trying to make us learn again . . .

Upon comparing Chris Argent’s Murder Map of Beacon Hills with the one from Danny’s research paper, the Scooby Gang discovers that all of the kidnappings, murders and body discoveries each took place at specific places in town where electrical currents were most powerful.  The explanation actually reminded me a bit of the whole “expression triangle” bit the writers used on TVD this past year.

That said, I give the writers of Teen Wolf a bit more credit for actually basing all the supernatural occurrences that take place in the fictional town of Beacon Hills on something resembling actual scientific principle.

Also . . . they didn’t call it a ridiculous name like “expression triangle.”

It’s actually Cora who takes the final logic leap to determine that the Darach is most likely holding Deaton in the same vault where she and Boyd had been held captive at the beginning of the season.

(Congratulations Cora!  When it comes to intelligence, you might just take more after your Sassy Sociopathic Uncle Peter  than your pretty, and very good at punching things, but not particularly bright, brother Derek.)

And so the group decides to split up, with Scott heading to the vault to save Deaton, while the rest of the crew head to Chez Derek, upon learning that Boyd’s plan to electrocute Kali by flooding Derek’s apartment ended up being . . . wait for it . . . all wet.

Even Magic Coochie can’t save you now . . .

In a move that surprises absolutely no one, Kali  kidnaps Miss Magic Coochie, herself, and drags her to Derek’s apartment, in hopes of getting him to toe the line and join her Big Bad Alpha Pack.

“Got your coochie!”

Derek looks forlornly at Magic Coochie, hoping that she will help get them out of this mess.  Unfortunately, the Magic Coochie remains powerless unless her pants are down . . .

“Coochie, coochie coo?”

And so, as they do every episode, Derek’s pack, and the Alpha pack begin beating one another up in a warehouse like space . . . only this time, due to the flood in the apartment, the fighting looks more like water aerobics than anything else .  . .

Speaking of aerobics . . .

Scott shows off his talent for miming .  . .

OK .  . . OK . . . I get that it is supposed to be this “Huge Triumphant Moment,” when Scott finally realizes what most fans figured out in week 1 . . . that this Special Snowflake would somehow manage to become an Alpha, without putting in the hard work, and/or coping with the mental anguish of ACTUALLY KILLING SOMEONE.

I just wish the moment of realization was . . . oh I don’t know . . . A LOT COOLER?

Think about it, Scott spent his Big Red Eye Alpha Day making constipated facial expressions and knocking up against an INVISIBLE WALL.

“I’m in a box.”

He couldn’t even save Deaton!  HUMAN Sheriff Stilinski had to do it for him, using something as common place as a gun to shoot down the ropes from which  the vet was suspended.

“That was easy.”

Superhero Origin stories are supposed to be epic.  Everyone remembers the first time Spiderman threw a web from his hand, and climbed up a skyscraper.  As kids, we ooohed and aahed to see Superman Fly “faster than a speeding bullet.”  We all wanted to ride in the Batmobile with Batman, smash a building with The Hulk, wield a hefty hammer like Thor . . .

I understand that Scott’s “Magic Power” comes from him being such a “nice guy.”  I just kind of wish he was a “nice guy,” with the ability to do cool sh*t, like say manipulating electric currents with his bare hands . . .

It would make Big Bad’s like Deucalion’s interest in him make a lot more sense . . .  Just sayin . . .

Bad Vibrations

Good news: the Scooby Gang managed to turn back on the power in Derek’s house!

Bad news: they totally electrocuted the wrong people!

Worse news, the Alpha Pack took this electric opportunity to stake Boyd using Derek’s OWN claws as a weapon.  Talk about traumatic!

Quick, Boyd’s hurt!  Someone bring over the Magic Coochie!  Seriously, if anyone needs to get laid on this show, it’s Boyd . . . possibly even more than Stiles.  At least Stiles can SMILE sometimes through his virginity.  Poor Boyd has always been a perpetual sourwolf.  And now it looks like he will be a sourwolf for all eternity . . .

All kidding aside, as tragic (and arguably useless) as Boyd’s death was, the scene was exceptionally done.  Everything from the brief flashback of Erika going down swinging . . . to Boyd’s final words . . . to the poetic use of the concept of a lunar eclipse as strength in death . . . to the quiet way Derek allowed Stiles to comfort him, when his entire life seemed to be going to Hell in a Handbasket . . . was beautifully shot and painstakingly directed.

As much as I tease the writers of this show sometimes, it’s moments like these that remind us why we, as fans, keep coming back, week after week to watch .  . .  which, of course, brings me to . . .

A Spoilery Sneak Peek into Teen Wolf’s Future . .

Normally, at this point in the recap, I offer you a link to next week’s trailer.  But this week, I was much more intrigued by the SUPER SPOILERY Comic Con trailer.  So, I’m going to post IT instead . . .  (Warning:  While I’ve never been a TV fan who shies away from spoilers,  this particular trailer gives away SOOO much information, that I would advise anyone who is even the slightest bit spoilerphobic not to view it.)

This is the part of my recap, when I give spoilerphobes a chance to click away from this website . . .

Are they gone yet?

OK  . . . for the rest of you, please enjoy the trailer, which, if you watch carefully, provides you with, not only the true identity of the DARACH (or at least one of it’s key henchmen), but also a MAJOR MAKEOUT SCENE, featuring one of the series’ most popular will they/won’t they couples . . .

In other news from Comic Con, apparently next season of Teen Wolf will feature a kitsune, the very same supernatural creature, whose television debut Andre and I have been rooting for, for about two years now.

(Jeff Davis referred to it as a “Japanese shapeshifter,” but we know better . . .)

Annnnnd, that’s all she wrote, Wolfbangers!  Please feel free to drop me a line in the comments regarding your thoughts on “Currents,” “Comic Con,” “the Darach,” and kitsunes . . .

Until next time!

[www.juliekushner.com][My Tumblr] [Fangirls Forever]

“A” is for Awkward! – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Touched By an A-ngel”

“So, THAT is who was pinching my ass!  I THOUGHT those fingers felt familiar!”

Welcome back, My Pretties!  This week, on PLL, the girls began to wonder whether “A” was, not just an EXTREMELY busy individual . . . but, rather, a crack team of Expert Stalkers / Threatening Text Message Writers.  And, really, if you think about it, this seems like the ONLY logical explanation.  I mean, how else could anyone possibly explain this seemingly supernatural character, who’s nefarious hands are simultaneously up every single PLL girl’s butt, AT ALL TIMES?

“Well, THAT sounds painful!”

Oh, and before I begin this recap, I’d like to thank the writers of Pretty Little Liars for adding “eating cereal” and “getting a massage” to the ever-growing list of Things I Am Now Afraid to Do, Because of This Show.  (At this rate, by the time the series finale airs, I won’t be able to leave the house!)

Leave My Alpha Bits ALONE!

See?  This is why Froot Loops are my cereal of choice.  You can’t leave creepy messages in Froot Loops!  On an unrelated note, Poor Spencer!  It looks like “A” went into her closet, in the middle of the night, and shredded all her button-down shirts.  Wait . . . you mean, it’s SUPPOSED to look like that?  Wow, I will just never understand fashion . . .

This week, the girls, once again, give their Pretty Little Episode recap in the cafeteria.  Aria admits to swapping blood saliva with Facelift Vampire Jason . . .

“I was thirsty.  OK?” 

And Spencer and Emily admit to breaking into Facelift Vampire Jason’s lair, and finding scary close-up shots of Aria sleeping (or drugged?), inside of it.  Having imparted that old news important information, Spencer and Aria exit, Stage Left, leaving poor Emily, and her Alpha Bits all by their lonesome.

“What the hell?  Aren’t I supposed to get another new girlfriend, this week?  Because I could really use one right about now.” 

So, Emily opens up her Alpha Bits, and is shocked to find that SOMEONE has given her only letter “A’s,” (which pretty much defeats the purpose of having Alpha Bits, if you ask me.)

Now, they just look like Lucky Charms, without the marshmallows . . . 

OK, now this is where I cry foul  Are we honestly supposed to believe that “A” somehow: (1) anticipated that Emily was going to eat Alpha Bits that morning; (2) bought like TEN boxes of Alpha Bits, in order to find enough “A’s” to fill an individual box; (3) opened a box of Alpha Bits, and exchanged its multi-letter contents for just “A’s;” (4) RE-SEALED the box, so it looked like it had never been opened; and (5) somehow made sure that of all the available cereal boxes, THAT was the one Emily chose?

Not only is Emily’s cereal box filled with A’s, it also, apparently, contains a personal note . . .

Source

Can I just say . . . WORST CEREAL BOX PRIZE EVER!

Meanwhile, over at the Marin Household . . .

Compassion is for Morning People . . .

Still in mourning over being ditched by Caleb, in favor of his Deadbeat Mom, Hanna has decided to express her depression, by maintaining the same hairstyle she wore on the night of the fateful breakup (which, I really like, actually) . . . 

“This is my Sad Hair . . .”

While Emily is off at school, eating pre-fondled cereal, Hanna is still loafing around the house, when she runs into Mama Marin, who’s VERY worried about Poor Emily, and her “stress.”  (Riiiight, because her own daughter doesn’t appear stressed out at all!)  When Hanna complains that Emily has taken to the annoying habit of grinding her teeth in her sleep (Wow, you’ve gotta be pretty close by to notice something like that!  Are these two sleeping in the same bed? ;)), her mother scolds her to have a little more compassion for her friend.

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I agree, Hanna.  The only person I’m compassionate toward, before 10 a.m., is MYSELF.  And that’s only because I pity myself for having to be up before 10 a.m.

But Mama Marin will not give up on the surrogate daughter she clearly likes better than her own.  She hands Hanna a gift certificate for a massage, instructing Hanna to give it to Emily, if and when she ever decides to drag her butt to school . . .

“Emily Fields is like the daughter I never had .  . . no offense, Hanna.”

“So . . . about that whole ‘You’re a Psycho Stalker’ thing . . .” 

“Sleep now, so that I can take more . . . ahem . . . ‘artistic’ photos of you . . . er . . . I mean so that Ali can take more photos of you sleeping . . . even though she’s dead.”

I think most of us sort of expected that Jason would have SOME sort of explanation for those disturbing photographs of Aria, we saw in his shed, last week.  And, I guess, I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt that he’s telling the truth about not taking them, himself, until I hear otherwise.  But still, you have to admit, that whole family is pretty cracked!

I mean, I know Ali’s like dead and all.  But that’s really no excuse for having been a perv, while alive, now is it?  Am I the only one who’s just as creeped out knowing that Ali took these pictures, as I was when I thought Jason took them?  Why the double standard?  Just because she’s a GIRL?

Anywhoo . . . in a show that revolves quite a bit around LYING, I give Aria a lot of credit, for being surprisingly mature, and IMMEDIATELY coming to Jason with the accusation Spencer and Emily had lodged against him.  Typically, in shows like this, the protagonist will simply start AVOIDING the accused person, without telling him or her why she is doing so, until the truth eventually comes out .  .. thereby making the protagonist look like a TOTAL ASSHAT.  So, yay to Aria, for not being an ASSHAT, I guess.

“Was that supposed to be a compliment?” 

According to Facelift Vampire Jason, he had been randomly sifting through Ali’s old things, when he came upon a roll of undeveloped film.  When he figured out what it was, he developed the pictures, and planned to have them framed for Aria as a gift.  Riiiiiight .  . . because everyone likes to hang weird creepy close-up pictures of themselves sleeping on their bedroom wall.  Seriously, Facelift Jason, how vain exactly do you think Aria is?

But, hey, I guess it’s not the gift, but the dirty thought that counts, right?

Meanwhile, back inside the school . . .

The Return of El Shrinko

“OK .  . . so let me get this straight, your daughter believes that the ghost of her dead friend has been sending her text messages?  And your son steals ugly pottery from blind girls?  What a lovely, sane, family you’ve raised!”

Even though it’s College Fair Day, and she has absolutely no logical reason to be there, that Random Shrink from a Few Episodes Back is conveniently wandering around Rosewood Prep.  Mama Montgomery sees her, and asks her to meet with her Crazy Klepto, Possibly Suicidal, Son . . .

 

“That’s ME!” 

Though, it would be a conflict of interest for Aria’s therapist to also see her brother,  Random Shrink From a Few Episodes Back agrees to recommend a colleague of hers for Crazy Mike.

Speaking of Crazy, Random Shrink runs into a clearly at her wits end, Emily, who REALLY needs to talk to someone about all the awful stuff going on in her life right now.

Don’t worry, Emily.  In a couple weeks, “A” will go back to ignoring you, and it will be Aria’s turn to experience her wrath . . . 

Random Shrink, who, honestly, seemed like a cold b*tch in earlier episodes, is surprisingly sweet to Emily probably because she knows she’s going to make A LOT of money off of her crazy ass and gently suggests that the two meet after school to talk.  Emily agrees.

“I’ll be billing you for this conversation too . . . just so you know.” 

Speaking of people who have no business being at Rosewood Prep, but are there, because the plot requires them to be . . .

Hollis College:  Where The Faculty is VERY Hands-On Your Boobs

At the college fair, Aria is THRILLED to see Fitzy working the Hollis College booth (especially since these sort of things are usually run by RECRUITERS, and not NEW PROFESSORS who should be . . . I don’t know .  . . busy professing).  However, she is less than thrilled to learn that Fitzy’s ex-fiance Jackie is working the booth as well.  And she is hanging all over Fitzy, like she’s one of his sweater vests . . .

“I’m going to use this Hollis College Lanyard to tie you up, and throw you in the trunk of my car.  I hope you don’t mind.” 

When Fitzy sees Aria, he immediately bounds over to her, clearly horny as hell from being around all these high school students.  He even makes some sexually suggestive comments about the generalized gropiness (Is that even a word?) of the Hollis College faculty.  But Aria isn’t exactly in the mood for Fitzy Flirtation.  So, she stomps out of the gym, forcing him to run after her, like the loyal puppy dog boyfriend he has become.

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Continuing this weeks trend of  uncharacteristic “Honest and Mature” behavior, Aria directly confronts Fitzy with her fear that, because they are still hiding their relationship, “external factors” *cough Jackie and Jason* are getting in the way of their happiness.  Fitzy, typical clueless boy that he is, is, apparently completely oblivious to the fact that Jackie-O still wants his bod . . .

I’m just reminding you what it looks like . . . 

During this conversation, Aria also confesses to kissing Jason .  . . er . . . I mean, LETTING Jason kiss her.  This is where the conversation, understandably, gets a bit uncomfortable.  And like any good pitbull, Jackie-O immediately smells the fear, and rushes over to hump Fitzy’s leg.  Once Fitzy leaves, she moves on to Aria, baring her fangs, and peppering her with thinly veiled insults about her age and lack of maturity.

 “Fitzy’s MINE!  And I would know, I peed on his leg to mark my territory, yesterday . . .”

Annoying Mona .  . . Horse Whisperer

“You better not make me wear a fugly dress like that, when I’m a bridesmaid at your wedding.” 

Hanna and Mona ditch the College Fair (She chooses colleges, like she chooses clothes, anyway . . . from the catalogue!), so that Hanna can get fitted for the hideous bridesmaid dress her future stepmonster picked out for her wedding to Hanna’s Douchey Daddy.  The pair rank a bit on the awfulness of the dress, and how hillbilly the person who selected it must be, until that person’s daughter appears on the scene, looking very different from the last time we saw her . . .

First we had Facelift Jason, now we have Facelift Kate . . . 

“What the hell did they do to my face?”

Annoying Mona quickly figures out that Hanna’s future stepsister is a wealthy snob.  And,  since that’s exactly what Mona aspires to be someday (Well, she’s already a snob . . . but I guess the wealthy part, is something she needs to work on), the professional star f*&ker arranges for her and Hanna to accompany Kate and her friends on a little horseback riding excursion . . .

“This storyline is lame.  Why the f*&k are we here?”

Though Annoying Mona claims to be a “horse whisperer”  (I don’t think Mona is even capable of whispering to HUMANS, let alone horses.), neither of the girls actually have any riding experience.  And both Mona and Hanna end up losing their horsing, and having to walk the rest of the trail.  Back at the Polo Lodge, Hanna “accidentally’ leaves her hat on the control panel, which ends up turning on the intercom system.  So, of course, she starts griping about Stepmonsters Kate and Isabel.  And, of course, Kate overhears all of it.

“I’m really angry now, but you can’t tell, because of all the collagen I had injected into my New Face . . .” 

Hanna immediately becomes worried that Facelift Kate will rat her out to her family for all the nasty things she said.  But she doesn’t.  Instead, she calls her on the phone, threatening to break her spirit, and beat her into subservience, like an unruly horse.  (WOW, Facelift Kate is into animal cruelty?  Now, I DEFINITELY don’t like her.)  Here’s hoping “A” breaks Kate’s new face, before she gets a chance to break Hanna’s . . .

Speaking of familiar (and not so familiar faces) . . .

What the hell is an N.A.T. club?

“How dare Creepy Pedo Ian join a club I’m not a member of!  If he wasn’t already dead, I’d kill him!” 

Spencer and Abs Toby are sorting through Dead Creepy Pedo Ian’s stuff, when they come across his old yearbook.  Flipping through it, they come to realize that Creepy Pedo Ian, Facelift Vampire Jason, and Police Boy Garrett, were all in the same three-person club . . .

 

Wait a second!  Since when are these three guys all the SAME age?  Whatever happened to the writers saying that Facelift Vampire Jason is more “age-appropriate” for Aria than Fitzy.  Isn’t Creepy Pedo Ian virtually the same age as Aria’s current boyfriend (give or take a year or two)?  Just curious . . . 

Cue SPENCER FACE!

(You have to admit, Toby kind of had a point, when he called Spencer, “a nice word for obsessive.”)

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After doing a little internet research, Spencer figures out that N.A.T. stands for Nos Animadverto Totus, which translates into English as “We See All.”

Now, Spencer is convinced that these guys were ALL taking creepy videos of Rosewood residents, and that Facelift Vampire Jason killed his sister to drink her blood to prevent her from going forward with the tapes.  Knowing that Aria will not listen to her anymore, when it comes to her “advice” about Jason, Spencer decides to tell the person most likely to get through to Aria .  . . Fitzy . . .

“I wish I was wearing my My Little Pony Sweater . . . I miss that little guy.” 

Spencer finds Fitzy in his car outside the school . . .

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Never one to mince words, within about 30 seconds, Spencer has already told Fitzy that (1) she knows about him and Aria’s relationship; and (2) Aria is in DANGER of getting turned into a vampire.  And we all know how persuasive Spencer can be, when she really puts her mind to it . . .

Unfortunately, for Spencer and Fitzy, they are not alone.  SOMEONE is watching them . . .

*hissssssss*

And now for the most disturbing part of the episode . . .

Massages are SCAAAAAARRRRRY!

Oh Emily . . . you won’t be smiling for long.

As was commanded by the Marin’s Emily heads to the massage parlor, and is instructed by the masseuse to lay down and get comfy, while she prepares for the appointment.  A few moments later, Emily’s massage begins.  You can just see the tension rolling off Emily’s shoulders.  She feels happy and relaxed, and looks like she might drop off to sleep at any moment.  Then the masseuse comes back, ready to start the massage . . . wait . . . WHAT?
Yeah, so apparently, that WHOLE time Emily was being fondled by “A” instead of the actual masseuse.  What are the odds?  (Actually, on THIS show, the odds are very high.)

Adding insult to grossness, the minute Emily leaves the massage parlor (looking NOT AT ALL relaxed, by the way), “A” has to go and send her a super threatening text message.  (SURPRISE!)

OK.  So, I know who Dr. Sullivan is.  But who are Eric and Denise J.?  I never see any of the PLL’s hanging out with anyone except for their significant others, and eachother . . . and sometimes Annoying Mona. 

Tata for now, Facelift Jason!  Ezria is “Official”

“I’m really going to miss you, Aria.  Can I keep one of these pictures of you that I TOTALLY didn’t take myself *wink, wink* as a souvenir of our three-episode love affair.” 

At some random coffee shop, Facelift Vampire Jason gives Aria those Framed Creepy Pictures of her Sleepy Face.  I’m actually really curious to see whether Aria will actually hang these up on her wall.  (Imagine staring at pictures of yourself sleeping, while you are trying to go to sleep . . . weird.)  Facelift notes that he found the film in a box that Aria kept underneath the floorboards.  Aria expresses interest in the box, so Jason offers to get it for her.  She follows him back to his house, but is still hesitant enough of his motives, to not want to follow him inside alone to retrieve the darn thing.

While Aria is waiting for Facelift, Fitzy arrives . . .

Fitzy reiterates to a shocked Aria, how dangerous he thinks Facelift Vampire Jason is, after hearing all about the guy’s “photography talents” from Spencer.  He then tells her that he wants to save their relationship.  And if that means going public, starting with Aria’s parents, then, so be it.  Aria mentally reminds herself to thank Spencer for helping her to FINALLY get laid, as she moves in for a big fat Fitzy Smooch . . .

*insert sucking and slurping noises here*

Of course, this is precisely the moment at which Jason emerges from his house with Dead Ali’s Box O’ Memories . . . because he’s probably been watching from his window the whole time.

Yeah, because this isn’t awkward at all.

The Facelift Vampire gives Aria the box, while Fitzy waits for her in his car, clearly, not taking ANY chances . . .

 

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But before you start checking your mailbox for Ezria wedding invitations, you should hear what Aria’s snoopy, kind of judgmental MOM had to say to Aria, when she got home . . .

“I’m totally judging you Spencer, right now.”

Apparently, Mama Montgomery’s little eavesdropping session somehow led her to believe that SPENCER and Fitzy were doing the deed, and that the rumors going around school that Fitzy was porking one of the students at Rosewood Prep were about HER.  Aria, of course, denies this, but wonders allowed what difference it would make if the two of them WERE dating, considering their age difference is minimal.  Mama Montgomery who’s probably still stewing over her OWN husband cheating on her with a student  feels that this situation is STILL immoral, because it implies that Fitzy used his position as a teacher at the school to his sexual advantage.  She also admits to a horrified Aria that, if she found out that Fitzy and Spencer were boning she would feel incredibly jealous betrayed, since Mama Montgomery always had a HUGE crush on Fitzy she considered Fitzy a friend.

Uh Oh!  I guess these three won’t be going to the movies together anytime soon . . . 

Elsewhere in Rosewood . . .

Blind Jenna and Police Boy Garrett Strike Again 

Blind Jenna barges into Spencer’s house and accuses her of being a hungry terrier for using Toby to help her search through the wench’s private belongings.

That’s funny, I always thought of Spencer more as a pug . . .

B.J. warns Spencer that her continued snooping is dangerous for her and Abs Toby.  But Spencer is not the type of girl who’s going to be intimidated by a few idle threats.  In fact, as B.J. is leaving, Spencer sends her off with a pretty awesome parting shot.  “Tell, Garrett I said, Hi,” she coos.

In what is becoming almost as common an occurrence on PLL episodes, as the PLL Girl weekly recap, Jenna hops into the sniveling Police Boy Garrett’s car to warn him that “they [the PLL girls] know about us.”

“Would this be a bad time to ask you for car sex?” 

However, it is what B.J. says next that is the most intriguing.  Blind Jenna notes that Spencer has been “looking through yearbooks,” something Spencer clearly never mentioned in her earlier conversation.  This means that either (1) Toby told Blind Jenna what he and Spencer found; or (2) Blind Jenna is NO LONGER BLIND JENNA (having had her eye surgery already), and saw the yearbooks in Spencer’s living room.  Honestly,   I’m not quite sure about that second option, since you would think that type of eye surgery would require a signficant amount of recovery time.   Needless to say, however, SOMETHING is up . . .

“I’ve got my eye on you Blow Job , Blind Jenna!”

Blind Jenna and Police Boy end their conversation by jointly making the decision that it is time to talk to Facelift Jason, so that the threesome can get their respective stories straight.  In one of the final scenes of the episode, Police Boy visits Facelift, and reminds him how important it is that the two of them keep their mouths shut about what happened between them.  After all, Police Boy has a job to keep, a reputation to protect, and an underage blind girlfriend to continue screwing.  Stakes are high, indeed . . .

PLL Girl Reunion and Gloved Hand Reprise

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Having been enmeshed in their own separate storylines for most of the episode, it was nice to see the PLL girls all reunite at (Emily’s?) house, for one final bonding moment.  In what may have been my favorite scene in the entire episode, Aria tells Spencer that she isn’t mad at her for going to Fitzy about Facelift Jason.  After all, as I mentioned earlier, Spencer’s little trick is DEFINITELY going to help Aria get laid. 🙂  Spencer, of course, apologized anyway, for butting in, explaining that she just worries about Aria, because she’s so petite and fragile looking, and Spencer cares about her so darn much.

Both Lucy Hale and Troian Bellisario played off the scene beautifully.  And you could really feel the love between these two girls.  All together now . . . AWWWWWW!

The final scene features “A” coming to visit Random Therapist lady . . .

Uh oh!  Something tells me this isn’t going to end well . . .

You can check out the promo for Episode 11 of Pretty Little Liars, here:

See you next week, My Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

While You Were Creeping – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Picture This”

“WOAH!  My Dream Self is a TOTAL HO!  I hope I didn’t just give myself Dream Crabs . . .” 

Welcome back, my Pretties!   This week on Pretty Little Liars, we learned that Spencer still wears My Little Pony sweaters; Emily is great at poker, but sucks at life bluffing; and, even after ALL she’s been through with “A,” Aria STILL hasn’t learned to shut her bedroom door (but not lock it, Byron says “NO LOCKING DOORS!”), and close her curtains, before she goes to bed at night . . .

So, pick up that hide-a-key on top of the doorframe, and slip your digits to your significant other’s best friend, because it’s time for another Pretty Little recap  . . .

To Sleep, Perchance to HUMP . . .

First of all, let me say, SCREW YOU, PLL, for being such a tease!  You gave me, not one, but TWO, fake sex scenes before the opening credits even began!

What kind of show do you think this is . . . True Blood, or should I say . . . Faux Blood?

All I can say is, Aria REALLY didn’t look pleased, when she woke up in the morning.  And, honestly, I think she should reconsider those feelings.  I mean, so what if her second faux-screw toy may very well be a psycho stalker / murderer / pedophile.

You know, I never realized it, but Facelift Jason TOTALLY looks like he’s either going to grab Aria’s boobs, or strangle her, in this picture. 

The way I see it, being Dream F*&ked is the best of both worlds!  You get all of the pleasure, and none of the soreness, STD’s, or soul-crushing guilt real sex can sometimes bring. You also significantly decrease your chances of being BASHED IN THE HEAD WITH A HOCKEY STICK, AND BURIED ALIVE.

Meanwhile, over at the morgue, Hanna, Emily, and Spencer have randomly decided to don those skimpy candy striper outfits again.  Seriously, when did this show become PORN?

SPENCER:  “This is as far as I go.  If they make me put on one of those French Maid costumes, I’m QUITTING!”

Actually, the girls have a pretty good reason to be dressed like they are.  After all, they are currently snooping around the hospital in search of the missing page to Ali’s autopsy.  Of course, I’m pretty sure that my favorite part of the ENTIRE episode, was when the girls were at risk of being caught snooping, and Hanna had to . . .  improvise . . .

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(Have I told you guys, lately, how much I adore Hanna?  Girlfriend is friggin HILARIOUS!)

Unfortunately, Spencer emerges from the morgue empty handed.  Someone must have snuck into the hospital, and extracted the missing page, before the PLL girls could get their hands on it.  Of course, as it turns out, missing pieces of paper may end up being the least of the girls’ problems . . .  As they are LOUDLY discussing their plan of action, the girls very nearly run into THIS . . .

*insert T-Rex music from that Jurassic Park movie, here*

That’s right, my Pretties.  Apparently, Blind Jenna might not be BLIND for much longer at which point, we will surely have to find a new nickname for her, STAT!  Any suggestions?.  What does this MEAN for the PLL girls?  (Well, honestly, not much.  Blind Jenna always seemed eerily capable of “seeing” whatever it was the PLL girls were doing, anyway.  But, let’s go along with it, and pretend to be REALLY SCARED.  OK?)

 A Very Important Message from PLL: DON’T DO STEROIDS!  (It might make you turn into Thor . . .)

No offense against THOR . . . or anything . . . 

Back at the Marin Household, Emily is throwing away all of hers and Hanna’s creams, just in case “A” got to them, and pumped THEM up with steroids too.  Hanna spies her throwing a way one cream, in particular, and takes immediate offense . . .

“I don’t care if this cream turns me into Thor, it costs 100 dollars,” lectures Emily.

Emily, of course, reminds Hanna that she STOLE the lotion.  “It still costs 100 dollars!” Hanna replies.  (Remind me why Little Miss Klepto was getting all bent out of shape about Caleb‘s criminal activities again?)

Except when she’s drunk, Emily is not typically known for getting great one liners on the show.  But her response here, definitely makes the list: “Chin hair and back pimples are also side effects of taking steroids.”

My sentiments exactly, Hanna.  I bet “turning into Thor,” is starting to look like a pretty good option, in comparison to THIS, huh? 

Hanna ultimately ends up tossing out her Stolen Contraband Lotion, just as Mama Marin pops in to (1) lecture Hanna about not calling Papa Doucheface; and (2)  invite the girls downstairs for breakfast.

Not surprisingly, the minute Hanna leaves the room, Emily gets yet another text message from “A.”  And THIS one is a doozy . . .

“Well, I certainly hope she paid for me, first!” 

Apparently, sometime, during the course of the last two episodes, “A” managed to steal Emily’s medical chart.  (I’m wondering if he or she needed their very own candy striper outfit to do it too!)

Speaking of Emily, later at school . . .

“You’re Dream Cheating on Fitzy!  (You Bastard!)”

 

“Stop looking at me like that, Em!  I’m sure I made him wear a Dream Condom!” 

Emily and Aria fill one another in, on the last five minutes of the show.  Though, Aria, at first, does not come clean to Emily about her little sex dream, Emily sees THIS FACE. . .

and THIS ONE . . .

 .  . . and immediately puts two and two together.  (If only she was this good at judging the effectiveness of skin creams, she might not have gotten A HOLE IN HER STOMACH.)  Emily reveals herself as a hardcore TEAM FITZY-ITE, when she tells Aria that she has NO business eyef *&king or dreamf&^*king Facelift Jason, when the Professor is over at Hollis waiting patiently to “make pottery with her.”  Aria promises to keep that in mind and mentally reminds herself to buy some Red Bull, so she can stay awake tonight . . . No sleeping, means no dreamf*&king, right?  Right?

Later, in the lunchroom . . .

“They are taking her eyeballs out?  COOL!”

“I wish someone took MY eyeballs out, so I wouldn’t have to EVER see Blind Jenna hooking up with Policeboy Garrett again . . .”

Spencer (who, because she is dating Toby, is “in the know”) explains to the rest of the girls that Jenna is a candidate for corneal transplants.  This basically means they replace the damaged flap over her cornea, so that she can see again.  (See?  And who says you can’t learn things from watching PLL?)  The girls discuss what exactly this would mean for THEM, which, pretty much, makes them HUGE A$$HOLES.   I mean, really, how DARE Jenna try to get back the vision that the PLL GIRLS TOOK AWAY FROM HER, and inconvenience the Pretty Little Liars?  She’s got SOME NERVE!

“Jenna is scary enough with four senses.  Can you imagine what she will do to us with all five?”  Hanna wonders out loud.

You’re right, Hanna!  Because that would make her ROBO-JENNA, Super Villain EXTRAORINAIRE . . .

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Be afraid, PLL’ers . . . Be VERY afraid . . .

 But ROBO Jenna isn’t necessarily the ONLY villain the PLL’s need to worry about . . .

Hide Your Sweater Ponies, Folks!  Facelift Jason has a SECRET ROOM!  (And we all know what that means . . .)

“It’s not safe for you here, Sweater Pony!  RUN!” 

After school, Spencer and her favorite sweater from Grade 4, decide to do what they do best: namely, stalk the Suspect of the Week, Facelift Jason.  Conveniently, Spencer finds Facelift Jason, just as he is hiding the key to his SECRET ROOM in the WORST HIDING SPOT EVER!

“Look at me.  I am soooo clever, with my newly chiseled face, and Pantene Pro V hair . . .”

Nice going, Facelift!  No one will think to look for your hide-a-key in the SAME PLACE EVERYBODY AND THEIR MOTHER HIDES THEIR HIDE-A-KEY!  Did the surgery that changed your face, perhaps, cut into your brain too? 

Cue SPENCER FACE!

Oh, how I missed you, Spencer Face!

Meanwhile, over at Hanna’s . . .

“A” Cockblocks Emily, BIG TIME!

The Last Kiss? 

In the land of Too Little, Too Late, Samara brings Sorry You Had a Hole in Your Stomach Cookies to Emily.  Emily takes them gratefully, and doesn’t ask, “Why the hell didn’t you visit me at the hospital, B*tch?” . . . which I thought was rather kind of her.

Speaking of kind . . . enter Mama Marin . . .

“Newly single, and ready to mingle!” 

Hanna’s mom has been racking up SO many cool points recently, that I almost forgot how she once slutted around with Deputy Douchey, so her daughter wouldn’t go to jail for shoplifting, and STOLE MONEY FROM AN OLD LADY . . . almost.  This week, she generously offers her house up to Emily, Samara, and Samara’s friends for “poker night,” when the parties’ usual host cancels, on account of her Mom being sick.  Emily, of course, is thrilled.

“I’m THRILLED!” 

Hanna’s mom tells Emily that she should feel at home in the Marin Household, and be able to be “herself.”  This is kind of awesome, especially considering that at Emily’s actual house, her Mom had a TOTAL sh*tfit, when Emily had ONE other lesbian over at her house (Maya!), let alone a group of them.  But I digress .  . .

That night, Emily invites Samara and her Poker Crew over to the Marin household, where she impresses them all with her Mad Poker Playing Skillz . . .

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One of Samara’s friends with whom Emily particularly hits it off is “Zoe” . . . a fact that, will come to haunt her, before the night is over . . .

The Bait . . . 

*Insert cell phone ring here* . . . you guessed it!  It’s time for “A” to crash this poker party . . .

 I’m not going to lie, this was the part of the episode that pissed me off the most!  Now, in REALITY, there were LITERALLY TONS of ways Emily could have gotten her number to Zoey, without looking like she was trying to cheat on Samara with one of her closest friends.  For starters, she could have given ALL the girls her number, including Zoe, insisting that she wanted them to have it, in case they were ever again in need of someone to host Poker Night.  She also could have slipped a paper into Zoe’s purse containing her digits.  (If you read the above-message, it says that Zoe has to LEAVE with the number . . . she doesn’t have to KNOW she’s leaving with it.)   She also could have told Zoey, she wanted to plan a romantic surprise for Samara, and needed her help.  I could keep going . . .

But that wouldn’t be “exciting” now, would it?   So, Emily, the same girl, who just two weeks back, cleverly deciphered Great Mystery of the Ian Suicide Note, quickly takes a turn for the moronic, and flirtatiously offers Zoey her number, outright, RIGHT IN FRONT OF Samara’s possessive “friend” Quinn.

“Woah, way to be subtle, Hobag!”

“Rebound sex with Samara, here I come.  Thanks ‘A'”!

(By the way, who the heck cut Quinn’s hair?  Edward Scissorhands?)

Samara is understandably super PISSED when she confronts Emily about what she did . . . so pissed, in fact, that she puts their relationship on indefinite hiatus, until Emily is willing to come clean about what happened at Poker Night . . .

“Is this because I didn’t visit you in the hospital, when you thought you were dying?”

Emily is crushed by the news . . . I think . . .

“Hmmm . . . do you think it’s too early to call Zoey?  I really wish I got her number, last night.” 

And so ends yet another relationship at the hands of “A” . . .  Of course, sometimes PLL girls’ relationships end all on their own . . .

Mama, I’m Coming Home . . .

So, remember how, last week, Hanna kicked the private investigator, who was stalking Caleb to the curb.  But then we learned that his intentions might not have been as bad as she assumed they were?  Well, it turns out the private investigator was searching for Caleb on behalf of his biological MOTHER, who is apparently, some filthy rich country club lady, who lives next door to Oprah!

When the private investigator confronts Caleb, he IS mad.  Why wouldn’t he be?  He’s spent twelve years of his life going from one trailer trash foster home to the next, and was PRETTY MUCH HOMELESS for the last year of his life.  Meanwhile, the woman who “couldn’t take care of him,” is probably putting her two other kids through private school, and weekly tennis lessons with Andy Roddick . . .

But hey, family is family, right?  And Caleb kind of owes it to himself to get a piece of that lifestyle he’s been denied all these years.  (Yes, I’m that cynical.)  Believe it or not, it’s actually Hanna, she of the “Dad you’re dead to me,” perpetual poutiness, who convinces Caleb to give Deadbeat Mommy Dearest a call.  “The worst that can happen is you never speak to her again.  The best thing that can happen is you can finally get to know her.  Both of them are better than what you are doing now.”

“The last time I saw my mom, I was small enough to actually swing on this  swingset, without having to worry about breaking it.”

The next evening, a tearful Caleb comes to Hanna’s house to say goodbye .  . . forever now.  He had a little chat with his Mom that day, and decided he should bring his phone pimping business to Montecito, since eveyone is so rich there come and visit her.  He’s leaving now, as she had a car sent for him (See Caleb, this is how the OTHER HALF LIVES.  Get used to it.)

Hanna is obviously saddened at the thought of losing Caleb.  But, to her credit, she remains strong and supportive, because she knows how hard this must be for him, and that he is doing the right thing.  The couple promise to call one another every day, and Caleb offers to return someday, though Hanna is rightly skeptical about both statements.  “I’ve seen pictures of Montecito,” she says, smiling ruefully.

The two then share a touching kiss goodbye.  And Hanna waits until Caleb is out of sight to REALLY break down in tears . . .

“Man, this episode is depressing!” 

When all is said and done, Hanna decides to reach out to her own dad, and agrees to take part in his wedding to the odious Isabelle.  Way to be an adult, Hanna!

Now, if y’all don’t mind, I’d like to bid adieu to the Haleb relationship with a little GIF tribute . . .

*sniffles*  OK . . . moving on . . .

Speaking of depressing . . .

“I’m just really bummed out about the end of Haleb, OK?”

It seems as though Jerkface Mike has gone from non-existent, to creepy, to klepto, to a$$hole, to suicidal depressive in about three episodes flat . . . (That’s gotta be some sort of record.)  Papa Montgomery, who’s brother (from what I gather) committed suicide as a teen (or maybe he OD’d), is extremely concerned, and rightfully so.

Aria’s mom, on the other hand, who’s usually the less lame parent of these two, sort of seems like she’s in denial about the whole thing.  Now, I’m DEFINITELY thinking that Mike has become just as much a victim of A’s torturing as his sister.  She (or he) has something on him, and I’m guessing it’s pretty big . . .  something that makes home invasion seem like a walk in the park.

Speaking of Aria . . .

Tempted by the Hair of Another . . .

“The truth is Aria.  I’m really a vampire.  And I put dirty dreams into your brain, while you sleep at night.  Then I take pictures of you, and use them while spanking my monkey.” 

So, you want to hear something shocking.  I actually think that all this time that Aria and Fitzy have been dating one another, they NEVER DID THE DEED!

NO!  I’M SERIOUS!   This episode all but gave that information away.  The first piece of evidence, is Aria’s impromptu seduction of Fitzy in his office at Hollis.  She seems determined to screw those Jason dreams right out of her brain . . .

Source

 But Fitzy is oddly hesitant, despite the obvious hard-on he started sporting the minute Aria removed her coat.  “I have class in 15 minutes,” he says, as they start making out hard core . . .

Source 

The party quickly moves to the couch.  And that’s where things REALLY get interesting . . .

At this point, most of us are thinking THIS . . .

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But then they cut away to another scene, before anyone can get Nekkid . . .

Next thing you know, Aria’s getting A LOT of food out of the vending machine, so . . . post coital munchies, perhaps?

But then Fitzy comes back and he’s FULLY DRESSED, with his TIE ON PERFECTLY.  Hmmm . . . Of course, he COULD have re-dressed himself before class (He only had 15 minutes, after all!).  But then there’s that conversation he has with Aria, where he’s all “concerned” about the reason behind her aggressive seduction, and thinks something is up, and wants to talk about her “FEELINGS.”  Yeah . . . NOT the kind of conversation one has after mindblowing sex . . .

To add insult to injury, we flip to this . . .

Now, we’re talkin!

Fitzy remarks that he wishes Aria could stay at his place every night, and she makes a comment about being REALLY GLAD SHE WAITED.  (In other words: bye, bye Aria’s virginity!  Nice knowing ya!)  But then she walks to the mirror, and the scene changes to THIS . . .

 “You can’t stop thinking about me, can you?” Facelift Jason whispers seductively in Aria’s ear .  . .

AND it’s wake up time . . .

“I’ve really gotta lay off that vending machine food.” 

So, yeah, as unrealistic as it sounds, if Aria’s “first time” occurred IN HER DREAM, than she hasn’t done it yet in real life, which means Fitzy must have the most painful pair of THESE the world has ever seen . . .

  And so the Little Christian Channel that Could subtly transmits its message to the Youth of America.  TEASE!  Now, I’m just wondering if Spencer and Toby have done it yet . . . any guesses?

“I Care About You, so let’s SCREW!“

Source

Facelift Jason stops by Aria’s house unexpectedly to put the moves on her to give her little brother, Headcase Mike, his number for “counseling” or something . . .  But close physical contact with Facelift Jason (he fondles her arm, while he’s giving her the card), causes Aria to get those “dream feelings.”  (It’s a good thing girls don’t get hard-ons, you know?)  So, she makes some lame excuse about studying, and kicks a surprised Facelift to the curb.

She seriously looks mesmerized in this scene.  Are we entirely sure Facelift Jason ISN’T a vampire?  It would explain SO MUCH! 

“Invite me in, Aria.  I van’t to suck your blood . . .“

Source

“I know a member of my own kind, when I see one.”

Later, Facelift Vampire Jason hunts down Aria in his car, in the middle of the night, and admits that he has feelings for her.  WELL DUHHHHHH!  You couldn’t have made THAT more obvious if you skywrote it across all of Rosewood, boyfriend!

Vampires always drive the nicest cars . . . 

Without waiting for a response to his statement, Facelift Vampire Jason pulls Aria in for a neck sucking kiss, and Aria lingers a bit longer than someone who has NO feelings for a person should.

 *nom-nom, nom*  Tastes like chicken . . .

It all seemed a bit rushed to me.  And I was surprised by how LITTLE game Facelift Vampire Jason has.  Aria might have been surprised too, as she nervously sputters that she is taken, before dashing back to the house . . .

“Rats, foiled again . . .” 

Watching this exchange is Blind Jenna and Police Boy Garrett . . . well, at least ONE of them is watching . . .

The pair express concern that Aria and Jason will “hook up,” and she will get him to remember what happened on the night of Ali’s murder.  This conversation once again seems to confirm my theory that Jason DID NOT kill Ali, but was passed out nearby, when the murder was going down.  Whether B.J. (my new nickname for Blind Jenna . . . like it?) and Police Boy actually COMMITTED the murder themselves, remains to be seen.

Elsewhere, in Sleuthing Spencer Land . . .

Photo Finish

After having a weird conversation with her mother, in which the latter tells her she shouldn’t trust ANY of the Dilaurentis’, and that her father’s decision to DESTROY Ali’s murder weapon was probably the right one, a high strung Spencer commandeers Emily to go snooping around Facelift Vampire Jason’s secret vampire bat cave . . .

“Hi, Spencer Face . . . please allow me to introduce you to Emily Face . . .”

What they find in there is a photo dark room, filled with a ton of surveillance equipment, and . . . wait for it . . . photos of close-ups of various parts of Aria’s body taken . . . WHILE SHE WAS SLEEPING . . .

 

SOMEBODY wears a lot of makeup to bed .  . . 

Spencer and Emily hear Jason returning to the dark room to jerk off, or eat bunnies, your pick and escape just in time, except THEY FORGOT THEIR FLASHLIGHT!  Morons.

“Great!  I needed one of these!”

When they dumbly return to get it, the girls are shocked to find that Jason has cleared the place of everything . . . EXCEPT THEIR FLASHLIGHT!

Spencer Face and Emily Face: The Sequel

The girls frantically try to call Aria to warn her, but can’t seem to get her on the phone.  Will they find her, before Facelift Vampire Jason makes her his Princess of Eternal Darkness?  Only time will tell . . .

In the final moments of the episode, we see Gloved Hand, in the formerly empty dark room developing . . . you guessed it, an incriminating shot of Spencer and Emily breaking into Jason’s shed.  Someone has some EXPLAINING TO DO!

Geez!  I thought “A” was supposed to be all “HI-TECH.”  Why not invest in a digital camera?

And that’s all she wrote, my Pretties.  Next week on PLL . . . THIS . . .

Oh, and yes, Facelift Vampire Jason.  Since you asked, we ARE still afraid of you we just don’t think you actually killed Alison . . .  🙂

See you then!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Hiding in Plain Sight – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Save the Date”

“Hello?   Is anybody home?  Could somebody please turn on the lights?  I can’t see anything in here!  Now I know how Blind Jenna feels!” 

Welcome back, my Pretties!  How are you guys doing?  Have you been experiencing any aches and pains, lately?  Because, if you are, I have some GREAT cream for you to try!

I don’t know about you guys, but I think “A” reached a NEW low this week, at least, in terms of torturing our fabulous foursome.  (Whether “A” is, in fact, responsible for Ali and/or Creepy Pedo Ian’s death is another story entirely!)  Up until this point, I had always felt that the award for “Most Evil A Moment” belonged to “That Time When He or She RAN HANNA OVER WITH A CAR!”

As HORRIBLE as that was (and it was pretty awful), I would argue that what “A” did to Emily this week was WAY worse!  After all, I actually don’t think “A” smushed Hanna’s bottom half with the intent to KILL her.  (This is why the injuries she suffered, actually ended up being fairly minor.)  Rather, He/She/It merely wanted to scare the girls into silence by presenting a significant physical threat to one of them.

This week, however, by doping Emily’s pain meds with Human Growth Hormone (a.k.a. steroids) “A” was not only messing with Emily’s future as a professional athlete, “A” was messing with her LIFE.  Fortunately, Emily ended up only suffering an ulcer.  However, with the amount of cream she was using, and the vast amount of potential side effects, the result could have been WAY WORSE!

The stress of this show is going to drive me to drink, I swear! 

For shame, “A!”  For shame!

Oh, by the way . . . did I mention . . . WREN’S BACK!  WREN’S BACK!  WREN’S BACK!

Or should I say . . . DOCTOR HOT BUTT BRIT!

So, zip up that Candy Striper’s Uniform, and watch out for the “corpse” walking around with a blanket on its head, because it’s time for another Pretty Little Recap!

“She can’t hear us.  She’s BLIND!”

The first few minutes of this episode find our PLL girls huddled together in Spencer’s car, mere minutes after Spencer’s eerie encounter with that nefarious Police Boy Garrett.

As usual, the girls are doing their weekly recap for us, and waiting for Emily, who’s doing something with the alarm system in her house.  (Not that alarm systems help any, when Klepto Mike is creeping around.)

Oops!  Sorry Aria! 

Apparently, Aria gets offended, when you badmouth her bratty thief of a twerpy little brother.  Just ask Hanna!  Give her a break, Aria!  It’s not Hanna’s fault that your brother is so unlikeable, and has such an abnormally large head . . .

Just kidding!  But not really . . .

Conveniently, Police Boy Garrett pops up out of nowhere, just seconds after Emily arrives, and makes a beeline toward Jenna’s house.  What’s he DOING THERE?  F*&king a Blind Girl!  What else would he be doing?  Hmmm . . . I wonder.  Within seconds, the girls are on his tail, just steps behind him.  Hanna has big clunky shoes that make her sound like a stallion in heat, when she walks.  Spencer wants her to be quiet.  But Hanna reminds her that Blind Jenna won’t hear them, because she’s blind.

Yes, Spencer!  Your friends really ARE that stupid. 

When the girls arrive on the porch they are shocked to find Jenna at the window LOOKING RIGHT AT THEM!

But WAIT!  Blind Jenna ISN”T actually looking at the PLL’s because she’s blind.  She has no idea they are even there!  Rather, she is looking for Police Boy Garrett . . .

*insert porn music here*

 . . . and stripping for him .  . . and sucking his face . . . RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER OPEN BEDROOM WINDOW!

Riiiiiight, because THAT’S exactly where I would choose to tongue wrestle with a guy I DIDN’T WANT OTHER PEOPLE TO KNOW I WAS SECRETLY DATING . . . right out in the open . . . where anyone who happened to walk by could see me.  Because that’s SMART!

You know, now that I think about it, isn’t RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE WINDOW, where Blind Jenna made out with Abs Toby too?

Owwww!  My eyes!  *gag, vomit, puuuuke*

Do you think it’s like an Exhibitionist Thing, or something?  Is she simply looking for an opportunity to model her ugly ass, old lady sexy lingerie?  Maybe, since she can’t see, she no longer knows where the windows are in her own house?

All I know is, for week’s us PLL fans have all known that Blind Jenna enjoys bumping uglies with Police Boy Garrett.  Now, our fabulous foursome knows too!

Paging Dr. Hot Butt Brit!

Oh, Wren!  You and your sly use of foliage, as a thinly-veiled excuse to visit Spencer when she’s home alone . . . in hopes that you will eventually be able to wind your way back into her, still underaged, but “very mature” panties.  Feel free to bring random plants to my doorstep, anyday!

Spencer is chilling in her crib, alone, making the Spencer Face, just for the fun of it, when she hears a knock at the door.  Oh my!  Who on Earth could it be?  Is it Abs Toby?

Nope .  . .

Creepy Pedo Zombie Ian, back from the Dead?

Uh, uh . . .

Crazy Nanny Carrie Stefan Salvatore’s wife That Evil Wench, Melissa?

Guess again . . . IT’S WREN!

Wren stops by Spencer’s because he IS STILL HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE WITH SPENCER, YEAHHHH! wants to give that awful excuse for a human being Melissa some flowers.  But Melissa isn’t home YAYAYAYAYAYAY! so, aw shuck, I guess he will just have to flirt with Spencer in that beautiful British accent of his.

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Wren has some good news!  He just got a residency at Rosewood Community Hospital.  And you know what that means?  Lots of sex in the on-call room for Spencer and Wren!  Spencer, who, by the way, has NO GAME WHATSOEVER, would rather pepper Wren with questions about the Rosewood Community Hospital morgue, and whether or not she can use the records in there to find out how Alison died.  Blah, Blah, Blah!  I want more flirting, DAMMIT!

I would very much like to make out with you right now, but my stupid mouth won’t stop saying boring things about my Dead Friend . . . 

Not to be deterred, Wren asks Spencer for coffee, because he is KNACKERED.

Tee hee hee!  I love how he says the word “knackered.” 

 At which point, Spencer politely informs him that she is dating Abs Toby, and is only allowed to drink coffee with HIM, thank you very much!  In response, Wren offers an alternative: tea.  Because, apparently, in the U.K., getting coffee together means “serious relationship,” whereas getting “tea” just means sex.  Who knew?

Apparently, THIS GUY did . . .

Emily Gets Creamed . . .

Poor Emily!  While all the other PLL girls’ “troubles” this week, were of a romantic nature, Ms. Fields was stuck with “absentee parents,” an “absentee girlfriend”  (Seriously?  You would think Samara would AT LEAST make a cameo appearance at the hospital, considering the AWFUL shape her girlfriend was in.  LOVE INTEREST FAIL!) . . . not to mention a literal “pain in the neck,” one that traveled down to her stomach, and proceeded to rip her insides to shreds.  Geez!  Someone up there is pissed off at this girl.  (Perhaps, Heaven is filled with Maya fans?)

As a continuation of last week, a harried Emily continues to push herself physically and emotionally to the limit, in preparation for her Big Swim Meet, which the elusive Danby recruiter is supposed to attend.  I assume Emily figures that, if she can get a scholarship to Danby, for real, she will never have to tell her parents that the last one (the one that “A” sent on her behalf) was fake . . .

We find Emily in Hanna’s house first thing in the morning, doing sit-ups on the Marin floor.  (Watch out Emily, the MARIN’S probably had sex down there, last night?)  Like last week, we notice that Emily is in a lot of pain.  She keeps tugging on her arm and shoulders, and rubbing this pain cream, all over her body, like it’s her job.

(By the way, have you ever smelled that stuff?  It’s nasty . . . like what your dead great-grandfather would smell like, if, before he died, he lathered himself up with cheap cologne.  I don’t know how Hanna can stand being around her, the way she keeps lathering herself up with that stinkiness.)

Emily’s chilling at her locker, when who should pop by for a visit, but HER DAD . . . as in, the one who’s fighting for our country in Texas?!

“Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country . . . at your daughter’s swim meet.” 

Yeah, apparently the army has Daddy-o on a Super Secret Mission that allows for a stopover in Rosewood.  How convenient?  Dad tells Emily that, since he’s in town anyway, why not stick around and watch her Big Important Swim Meet?

To make matters even more frightening interesting, Emily’s dad keeps talking about MEETING the recruiter . . . you know the one who DIDN’T really give Emily a scholarship to his school.  So petrified excited is Emily about her father’s appearance that she CLUTCHES HER STOMACH AND FALLS ON THE FLOOR, WRITHING IN PAIN!

Uh . . . Emily, you’re supposed to save your swimming for the POOL. 

 Emily gets carted off to the hospital, where she’s looking pretty darn sickly.  (Kudos to the makeup department for this.)

As it turns out, Emily suffered an ulcer, which, as Hanna explains to us about 80 times during the hour, is, basically, a “hole in your stomach” that “only old people get.”  Way to be tactful, Hanna!

*sings*  “There’s a hole in your stomach, Dear Emily, Dear Emily . . . There’s a hole in your stomach, Dear Emily, a HOLE!” 

Given all that has happened in the past couple of weeks, Emily reluctantly decides, once and for all, to tell her parents the truth about the fake scholarship letter from Danby . . . a decision, she knows will ultimately result in a coach class ticket back to Texas.  This, of course, draws sad faces all around from her pals.  EMILY!  You can’t go to Texas!  There are Republicans there! 🙂

But the PLL girls aren’t the ONLY ones interested in paying a visit to the bedridden Emily.  Guess who else stops by?

Hmmm . . . is it Maya, back from De-Gaying camp?

Nope.

Is it Little Orphan Bitchy?

Uh uh . . .

How about Possible Fatal Attraction Samara?

Still no.   *cough Bad Girlfriend cough*

IT’S WREN AGAIN! YAYYYYYYY!

Unfortunately, Wren has some bad news for Emily.  Apparently, her blood tests showed high levels of HGH in her system, a.k.a Human Growth Hormone, a.k.a. STEROIDS, a.k.a. Emily sure has a lot of explaining to do!

Of course, if Emily WAS taking “performance enhancers,” we, the viewers, would have known about it, wouldn’t we?  I mean this is, ABC Family, after all.  We would have gotten a whole After School Special sort of lecture on the dangers of drugs (most likely followed by a cheesy PSA, and the telephone number for a STEROIDS SUCK hotline, of some sort).  We didn’t get that here, which means Emily is most likely innocent of all “doping”  . . .

But wait . . . if Emily didn’t take the drugs herself, how did they get in her system?

More on that later.  For now, Emily’s going to have to deal with the fact that NO ONE IS EVER GOING TO BELIEVE that she, a promising young athlete with a scholarship on the line, just so happened to ACCIDENTALLY take drugs to ENHANCE HER PERFORMANCE in the days leading up to a Big Important Swim Meet.  Do you see where I am going with this?

As if Hanna’s descriptions of her innards, worries over NEVER BEING ABLE TO SWIM AGAIN, and fears that her PARENTS WILL KILL HER WHEN THEY FIND OUT SHE’S A ROID RAGING ADDICT, aren’t enough to kill Emily’s appetite, get a load of what they call hospital food in this dump!

Get it .  . “cream”!  Hard de har har . . .

 That’s right, my Pretties!  Remember that scene, at the end of last week’s episode in which the infamous Gloved Hand filled a syringe with a substance known as BD7?

Well, now we know what it was, and what she ended up doing with it.  It kind of makes you think twice about where you put your body lotion . . . if you catch my drift.

I have to say, this is yet another situation where “A’s” motive for doing what she did to Emily is completely unclear to me.  If Emily never ended up in the hospital, it could be argued that the drugs in her system would never have been discovered.  In fact, there’s a good chance, Emily would have performed so well at the meet, that the Danby coach ended up giving her that scholarship anyway.  So, was “A,” in her own sick way, trying to HELP Emily?  Or did she KNOW that Emily would end up in the hospital from all the cream she was using (a bit unrealistic, don’t you think), and was seeking to ruin her swimming career, and possibly, kill her?  The verdict is still out on this one folks . . .

Once again, “A” reiterates her desire to get out of Rosewood, and hang out with George W. Bush in Texas.  “A is bringing us all down, one by one . . . Aria is probably next,” Emily complains.

“Can we ALL go to Texas?”  Aria inquires nervously.  (I hate to break it to you LITTLE A, but Emily kind of has a point.  When it comes to “A’s” torture methods, she’s been kind of slacking on you!)

But Spencer is not giving up without a fight!  She wants to finish this thing, and send “A” packing for good.  (Sure, you say that now Spencer, but what about when “A” gives you a nasty case of irritable bowel syndrome . . .)

Oh, look . . . I’ve made them both mad .  . . 

Now, for those of you gullible people who were ACTUALLY worried about Emily skipping town, A.K.A. leaving the show, you can breathe easy.  Cue the 8:53 quick fix problem solution, in the form of Dad saying that Emily doesn’t need no STINKIN’ scholarship.  The Fields will find a way to work, with swimming or without.  Except, it’s looking more and more, like it’s going to be “without” . . . just sayin’ . . .

Aria Gets BORED . . . (and Mike Gets . . . meh . . . I don’t really care about Mike.)

Those of you who have spent the last few weeks crying in your cornflakes over the notion that we may never again be able to watch Aria make pottery again, after her unfortunate run-in with Blind Jenna, a few weeks back (You know who you are! ;)) can rest easy now.  This episode finds Artsy Aria at Random Fake College Hollis, applying blue glaze paint to a SUPER large bowl.

(What a coincidence?  This is the color Fitzy’s balls are about to be in about five minutes!  Talk about “FORESHADOWING!”)

Speaking of Professor Fitzy, he pops by the studio, clearly hoping for a Quickie.  He’s so turned on right now, it’s a wonder he managed to keep his clothes on during the trip over.  But Aria seems a bit .  . . distracted.  “Can we, do this later?” She asks.  (Oooh . .  . that is NOT good, Fitzy!  Not good AT ALL!)

So, Fitzy, not one to be easily discouraged, pulls out a copy of his trusty “Seduction for Dummies” book, and starts tossing out pickup lines from it, like they are going out of style.

The only problem, of course, is that the version of “Seduction for Dummies” Fitzy is using is apparently from 1995.  How else would you explain his dropping a Ghost reference in there?  Doesn’t he realize that movie came out a at least a good FOUR YEARS before Aria was even BORN?  Way to date yourself, Buddy . . .

Fortunately, for Fitzy (or, perhaps, unfortunately) depending on how you look at it, Aria has somehow seen this movie (Maybe she watched from the womb?).  The problem, of course, is that Aria doesn’t find the notion of a MURDERED BOYFRIEND possessing Whoopie Goldberg, in order to seek vengeance on his killers, all that romantic . . . (Gee, I wonder why?)

In Fitzy’s defense of course, I’ve caught the Infamous Pottery Making Scene from the movie on cable a few times, and it IS pretty hot . . . if you go for “that sort of thing” . . .

If the dated Ghost reference was Strike One, Strike Two is when Fitzy swoons over a piece of pottery he THINKS is Aria’s handiwork, but it actually ends up being . . . wait for it . . . Blind Jenna’s . . .

“Oops!  Umm . . . yours is nice too, sweetie .  . . really!” 

Remember, back last season, when Fitzy randomly became OBSESSED with Blind Jenna’s writing, and how “sublimely talented she was?”  Yeah, he’s doing it again . . . and Aria doesn’t like it any more THIS time, than she did back then .  . .

Also, I’m sorry, but that piece of pottery Jenna made  . . . with all the little bullet-hole things in it . . . not only is TOTALLY non-functional (Can you imagine trying to put liquid in that thing?), it is also UGLY with a capital “U”!  I thought you had better taste than that Fitzy?  Seriously!

Of course, had Fitzy let the matter drop, right there, he probably would have saved himself a strike.  BUT THEN .  . . he has to start nagging Aria again about why she isn’t friends with Jenna.  Really, Fitzy?  Does the term brother-f*&ker mean anything to you?  An already aggravated Aria (and, lets face it, she’s had a stick up her but throughout this entire scene), grouchily tells Fitzy that Jenna dropped the class, after learning that Aria was enrolled.  So, no, they won’t be braiding eachother’s hair or having sex with eachother’s brothers painting eachother’s toenails, anytime soon.

“This is the part where I stab you in the face, and blood spews all over my ugly holey ceramic cup.”

Fitzy earns his final strike by letting the green monster rear it’s ugly head.  He asks about what happened with Klepto Mike the night of the dinner party.  And Aria is clearly hesitant to reveal her little brother for the lowlife he is.  When Aria admits to being ashamed of the fact that her brother is the Town Sticky Fingers, Fitzy sweetly reminds her that she doesn’t have to be embarrassed about anything around him.

“Throw me a bone here, will ya?  I’m TRYIN’!” 

But when Aria lets it slip that Klepto Mike was caught stealing at Facelift Jason’s house, warning bells go off in the Professor’s little brain.  “So, THAT’s what you two were talking about at the party, Fitzy says, beginning to piece things together.  “Should I be worried about this Jason Guy?”  Fitzy inquires, finally mustering up the courage to ask the question that’s clearly been on his mind ever since he saw those two with their heads pressed together on that Fateful Night.

“Hell, yes, you should!  Don’t you know that EVERY SINGLE MALE CHARACTER that gets introduced on this show, eventually ends up as a love interest for ONE of the girls?   Remember what happened with Bushy Eyebrows Noel?  Where have you been, Fitzy?  WHAT?  NO!”  Aria sputters defensively, though the thoughtful look on Aria’s face, after Fitzy leaves (He asked her to stop by his place for sex, and she promptly shot him down) said something VERY different.

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Aria blows off Fitzy, once again, when the latter arrives at the hospital, to check on her, while she is visiting Emily.  During the increasingly cold and awkward conversation, Aria conveniently gets a call from Facelift Jason (Doesn’t she always, during moments like this?)  and lies through her teeth about who’s calling her.

Uh oh!  If I were you, I’d keep Wacky Jackie’s number on speed dial, Fitzy.  Because it looks like you may very well have been at least temporarily replaced  . . .

In other news, Klepto Mike indicated to his mother that he MIGHT be stealing from everyone in town, because BOO HOO WOO, she moved out of the house for two days, and then moved back . . . And WAHHHHHH, it’s SO HARD coming from an upper-middle class attractive family that loves you, and sdlkfjsd;lkjjjjj . . . Sorry!  That was my head hitting the keyboard.  I just fell asleep, while typing this . . .

“So .  . . Mike . . . is your head naturally that large, or did you steal one of those new Brain Inflation Devices from one of the houses you robbed.”

Hanna’s Dad Gets Dumped .  . . (But HEY!  At least, he still has his fiance!)

After the Drunken Staircase Hump Heard ‘Round the Marin Household, Ma and Pa Marin, apparently, screwed eachothers’ mid-life crisis having brains out made a “night” of it.

Because, the next morning, Papa Marin — complete with rumbled suit, bloodshot eyes, hangover face, and bedhead — makes the long Walk of Shame down the steps.

And though he clearly tries to avoid doing so at all costs Nice DAD!  Real NICE!, he is forced to make small talk over breakfast with his daughter.

Emily and Hanna are sporting matching, “We know you just had sex” faces . . .

. . . while a definitely worse for wear Papa Marin simply tries to keep from puking in his Cheerios.  Then, as if things couldn’t get more awkward, who should come down the steps but Little Miss Screws A lot, herself, Mama Marin . . .

After the adults make some mumbled excuse as to why the entire house was vibrating last night, Mama notes wryly that Papa is up a bit early this morning, considering how obviously sh*tfaced drunk he was the night before.  Papa leers seductively at Mama, and tells him that it must have been his desire to avoid running into his daughter his “human body clock .”  “Somethings you just can’t turn off,” says Papa, casting a lewd sex stare in Mama’s direction.    Now, please excuse me, while I go vomit . . .

OK . .  . I’m back.

You’ve Got Mail, Hanna Marin!  And guess what it is?  It’s a Save the Date card for your DAD’S wedding to a woman who is not your Mom!  AWK-WARD!

I hate to say it, but that’s a GORGEOUS invitation.  The “Other Woman” has great taste (in invitations . . . not in men . . . because she chose Hanna’s dad . . . And he’s a total douche.) 

That afternoon, Mr. Relentless Sexpot STILL has the gall to put the moves on Mom, right in the middle of her talking to him about EMILY’S ULCER!  (ASSHAT!)  Mama Marin wins major cool points from fellow members of her sex,  by telling Tommy Boy that she deserves a man who knows what he wants, and that was NEVER PAPA MARIN.  She then kicks the Loser Who Still Somehow Spawned an Awesome Child, like Hanna to the curb . . . GOOD RIDDENS to BAD DAD’S, I SAY!

But Hanna was kind of bummed out about it, when she found out.  (His sperm did help create her, after all.)  Fortunately, Caleb was there to give her a little TLC, when she needed it most . . .

Speaking of resident “BAD BOY” Caleb . . .

Caleb Gets Stalked (and Hanna Gets SOME) . . .

I have to say, I was skeptical of this storyline when it first began.  At first, it sort of seemed like a continuation of last week’s “Help, I’m in Love with a Criminal” melodrama.   And yet, by the end the story took a turn that I have to admit was quite original, and intriguing.

It started lame though . . . with Hanna, once again spying Caleb outside of the school doing “something shady.”

“So, here are those haircare tips you asked me for.  Just wash, rinse, and repeat.  And you should be just fine.”

But the plot thickens, when Hanna finds and oldish dude stalking Caleb, while staring at his police report . . .

“He really does have spectacular hair . . . so much BODY and SHINE!’ 

Who is this guy, anyway?  Is he part of Caleb’s old GANG?  Is he a police officer who specializes in hair theft the illegal pimping out of phones?  Hanna isn’t sure.   But she knows she doesn’t want to see her boy toy in trouble.   So, she tries to subtly warn him not to do . . . whatever the heck it is he actually does in public, where the whole school and Stalker Guy can see him.

Unfortunately for Hanna, Caleb just assumes his girlfriend is being a Big Ole Judgmental  Nag.  So, he snaps, explaining how he’d rather pimp out phones than pimp out his body to Aunt Jenna flip burgers at the local Mickey D’s.  He then stomps off, leaving Hanna looking sad, and more than a bit worried about her boyfriend’s future as the “picker upper soap in a prison shower . . .”

At the hospital, while visiting Emily, Spencer somehow manages to get Hanna to spill the beans about what’s going on between her and Caleb.  Hanna admits that she hasn’t told him about the “cop” following him, because she is afraid that, if he finds out, he will run, and she will “lose him again.”  HELLO?  SELFISH MUCH?  Spencer sets Hanna straight, informing him that the minute Caleb gets picked up by the Po Po, is forced to don an orange jumpsuit, and shower with a bunch of other dudes, with names like Bubba and Sweet Tits, she’s pretty much lost him, anyway . . .

“Gee, thanks, Debbie Downer!  Since when did you start watching reruns of Oz.” 

In what might have been the Biggest Overreation of a PLL Character Ever, Hanna randomly decides to dress up like a character from Mad Men (or Blind Jenna, whichever you prefer), kidnap Caleb, and whisk him off to one of Spencer’s parents MANY abandoned homes, which seem to just pop up around Rosewood like the Chicken Pox (Wealthy much?)

At the Abandoned House, Hanna confronts Caleb with the news that he is being stalked / followed.   And he promises her that, no matter what happens, he’s not going to go on the lam, and skip town again . . .

Hanna further makes him promise that if he DOES decide to leave, he take Hanna along, since she is so great at HOT TENT SEX

. . . camping.

They decide to make out on the couch, as the camera focuses on a fire similar to the one where Papa Hastings burnt Ali’s murder weapon to a crisp.  How romantic!

Sweet, huh?  But the REAL twist to this story comes at the end, when Hanna confronts Caleb’s stalker, and tells him to leave her boyfriend alone.  As we learn later, the “stalker” is not a cop at all, rather, he’s a Private Investigator for SOMEONE who wants to reach out to Caleb again (most likely a biological parent).

(It just goes to show you that no good deed goes unpunished, right Hanna?)

All kidding aside, I’m very eager to see where this storyline will take us . . .

Spencer Gets a Clue (and a Corpse?)

At school, Police Boy Garrett intercepts Spencer, wondering why she ran off on him, like she did, the night she received Aria’s text.

Seeing Police Boy not-so-subtly try to figure out what Spencer knows makes me understand why he “gets along so well” with Blind Jenna.  I mean, this guy is a SERIOUSLY socially awkward creeper . . . from his insanely bad jokes . . . to his serial killer smile . . . to his constant invasion of personal space.  You can’t really blame Spencer for treating him like a leper, and not wanting to be near him, especially considering where that mouth has BEEN.

You know . . . they say that when you sleep with someone, you are actually sleeping with EVERY SINGLE PERSON that person slept with.  I wonder if the same theory applies to kissing.  Because, if so, Spencer has theoretically kissed both Blind Jenna AND Garrett . .  . think about it.

In a parked police car, somewhere in Rosewood, Blind Jenna and PoliceBoy Garrett are engaged in a conversation they SHOULD have had, the night before, back when they were sucking face in front of an audience.  Both parties seem worried that Spencer might know something about who actually killed Ali.  They seem particularly perturbed by Spencer’s inquiry as to whether a WOMAN did it.  They wonder if Spencer knows about the “Jason” thing, but assume that she does not.

The tenor of the conversation sort of makes it seem like Jenna killed Ali, Garrett helped her to cover it up, and Jason, was there somewhere, to wasted to be a reliable witness.  Of course, the fact that this SEEMS like the most obvious answer to the mystery, probably means that it’s not the answer at all.

*sigh* “Everything with Garrett is SO complicated!  I should  really go back to just f*&king my brother.” 

After Spencer checks in on Emily and her Massive Stomach Hole, she attempts to sneak down to the morgue, and commit a felony, by rifling through Dead Ali’s autopsy report.

The problem, of course, is that Dr. Hot Brit intercepts her for a Greys Anatomy Elevator Moment . . .

“Oh, Spencer . . . sex in the elevator with a REAL doctor is HOT STUFF!  Just sayin’!  Don’t knock it, until you’ve tried it!  Your boyfriend will never have to know which reminds me, WHERE IS ABS TOBY?  Isn’t he Emily’s friend too?  Shouldn’t he be there?  What gives, TOB?“

Having had a chance to look at Emily’s admittance charts, Wren assumes that Spencer is headed to see Emily, when, in fact, she has already seen her.  In fact, when Spencer tries to sneak down to the morgue, it is WREN that reroutes her back to the third floor.   NAUGHTY WREN!  You spoiled Spencer’s plan.  You deserve a SPANKING!  Please . . . allow ME. . . 😉

Not willing to be foiled again, Spencer gets the “brilliant” idea that she and Aria should steal candy striper uniforms from the laundry room (Ew!  I hope they were clean!) . . .

. . . so that they could sneak into the morgue.  Riiiiight, because candy stripers ALWAYS work in the morgue.  After all, if anyone needs candy and young hot girls in short skirts joy, it’s THE DEAD!

We learn quite a few things from Spencer’s and Aria’s little morgue field trip:

(1) Rosewood Hospital hasn’t experienced any technological advances since the movie Ghost came out.  We know this because Ali’s autopsy is just “hanging out” in a folder, as oppposed to . . . I don’t know . . . on a computer . . . with a security system . . . or even in a friggin lock box, I mean GEEZ!

(2) Apparently, not that many people have died in Rosewood since 2007, because ALL OF THOSE people’s autopsies fit in that TEENY TINY CABINET.

(3) Ali was hit on the back of the head by an object that may or may not have been a hockey stick.

(4) She also died with dirt in her mouth, which may or may not mean that she enjoyed eating dirt was BURIED ALIVE!

The problem, of course, is that all that information was found on the first FOUR pages of the autopsy.  Because Page 5 is .  . . MISSING!

The final scene of the episode is arguably the BEST final scene in PLL history.  It features some creepy janitor guy eating a cookie .  . . and . .  . THIS . . .

Mwah-hahaha!

That’s right, my Pretties!  Apparently Creepy Pedo Ian isn’t the ONLY zombie on this show . . .

And, there you have it.  That was “Save the Date” in a nutshell.  Though I can’t say it was my favorite episode, the hospital setting gave it a dark, eerie feel, that was a nice change of pace from the typical “perky bedroom and kitchen” sets we typically see on this show.  Additionally, I must say I was rather impressed with Shay Mitchell’s acting this week.  This was arguably Emily’s most complex storyline to date, and she handled it brilliantly.

Oh, and there was WREN . . . lots and lots of WREN!  Keep bringing on the Dr. Hot Butt Brit PLL writers. 😉  Mommy like . . . A LOT!

Based on the Much Music trailer, next week’s episode promises, among other things, a steamy bedroom makeout sesh between Aria and Facelift Jason (Dream Sequence?),weird body part photography, and plenty of Spencer Face to go around.  You can check it out, in its entirety here:

Until then, try to stay out of the morgue, My Pretties!  And, for heaven sakes, keep an eye on your CREAM! 🙂

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

You are What You Bury – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Surface Tension”

“I think we can work this out, kids!  YOU don’t tell the police about the murder weapon buried in our backyard.  And I won’t tell Mom that everytime you two SAY you are ‘playing Scrabble’ in Spencer’s bedroom, you are really having loud, raucous sex.”

Hello, my Pretties!  If we’ve learned one thing on Pretty Little Liars it’s that episodes featuring shirtless guys will inevitably be better than episodes without them nothing stays buried forever.  In fact, in Rosewood, it seems that the deeper you bury your darkest secret, the more likely it is to rise to the surface, and bite you in the bum.  So, hold on to your hockey sticks, folks; and put your pimped out, illegal cell phones on vibrate, because it’s time to start the recap . . .

Would you like “A” candy?

(I’m guessing the little pig stuffed animal was intended for Poor Hanna.  Any guesses as to what the other animal is, and what it has to do with Emily?)

The episode begins with the girls gathered in Hanna’s household.  And guess what they are doing?  SURPRISE!  They are recapping the last episode for you!   How annoying . . . I mean, seriously, isn’t this what the “Previously On Pretty Little Liars” segment of the show is supposed to do? helpful and considerate of them.

The foursome gossips about A’s recent dastardly derailment of A’s fashion show tribute.  They also continue to conjecture that “A” might be torturing them, not just for the fun of it, but because he or she killed Ali, and wants to ensure the girls’ silence, if and when the killer’s identity is revealed.  I don’t know.  If I killed someone, and didn’t want certain people to find out about it, I probably wouldn’t be SENDING THEM MESSAGES EVERYDAY!  But, hey, that’s just me . . .

Also, this week, we learn that Emily and Hanna are not only sharing the same HOUSE, until school lets out for the summer, they are also apparently sharing the same BEDROOM.

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When asked about this, the girls slough it off with lame (not to mention, highly convenient) excuses about “burst pipes,” but we all know the REAL reason they are sleeping together, don’t we?  *hint, hint, wink, wink* Let the onslaught of Hanna / Emily slash fanfiction begin!

Unfortunately, this Pretty Little Lovefest is interrupted by a knock on the door.  Hanna answers.  And lo and behold!  It’s a Special Delivery from “A” SHOCKER!  Here’s what the note on the card says . . .

Sometimes, I feel like “A” needs to get a life of her (his?) own, and stop stalking the girls like it’s his or her job.  But, hey, if she (or he) did that, we probably wouldn’t have a show, now would we?

Study Buddies and Shady Dealings

EMILY:  “Umm . . . Hanna, I don’t think we should be watching your parents having sex.”

HANNA:  “Why not?  This will give me so much more to talk about, during therapy!”

As two only children, Hanna and Emily aren’t exactly people who are used to sharing a space.  So, of course, it doesn’t take long at all for the new roomies to start getting on one another’s nerves.  First Brown Noser Emily has to go and make Hanna look like a sucky daughter / lazy person, by cooking the family a fancy schmancy omelette breakfast, and not-so-casually remarking that she did it after heading out for her “morning run.”

“I’m so glad you enjoyed the omelette, Ms. Marin.  You can find the recipe for it at I’mBetterThanHanna.Com”

As someone who is not at all a morning person, myself, I can certainly relate to Hanna’s jealousy / frustration.  Oh, you should also know that Emily is clutching her back, and rubbing her neck throughout most of this episode.  Under normal circumstances we would say this is simply because she probably slept funny the night before.  However, on PLL, this is what we call “foreshadowing” . . .

While walking into school, Hanna overhears her new boyfriend on the phone with some dude who didn’t pay Caleb for “pimping out his phone.”  To be honest, I’m not exactly sure what that means.  Did he make it so that the perv could call 1-900 sex number, for free?  Did he get the guy tons of free iPhone apps, you’d normally have to pay for?  Did he bedazzle it with lots of red glitter and heart stickers?  Well, whatever he did, DUDE didn’t pay.  And Caleb is PISSED!

“I’m PISSED!” 

The problem, of course, is that you can’t really sue someone for not paying you to help them break the law.  So, Caleb will probably have to resort to other means of collecting payment . . . like putting a horse’s head in the deadbeat’s bed, or putting hair removal bleach in his shampoo, or forcing him to listen to Blind Jenna play the flute, for hours on end . . .

I get the chills just thinking about it . . .

Hanna is a bit concerned about Caleb’s “underground business,” because it makes her feel like in, 15 years, Caleb will be in jail, and she will be a reality star on Mob Wives: Rosewood Edition.  However, she wants to make sure she’s still seen as “the cool girlfriend,” so she doesn’t say much.  Besides, it could be worse!  He could be getting paid by someone to steal her virginity in a tent.  Oh, wait . . . he already did that . . .

Did I mention some dude is stalking Caleb with his car, outside the school?  Note to Caleb:  Next time you “pimp out” a phone, you might want to make it double as a gun.  Because, something tells me you’re going to need it . . .

Back at home, Emily is trying to study, and rubbing her neck some more (See? FORESHADOWING!).  However, she’s finding it incredibly difficult to concentrate, with Hanna SINGING AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS . . .

(Note:  This is actually the second time in two weeks, that Hanna’s been shown bopping out to a song on her iPod, and it sounded so much fun that I wanted to download it onto MY iPod, immediately after watching.  This song was called “Smash It” by Zowie.  YAY, for product placement!)

So, she does THIS . . .

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(WARNING:  Flying Mr. Bear is a trained professional in the art of Guerilla Warfare on Hanna Singing.  DO NOT try this at home . . .)

Having completely given up on doing her homework, Emily decides to go all Dr. Phil on Hanna, by asking her how dating a crook “makes her feel.”  In response, Hanna does the teenage equivalent of putting her fingers in her ear an going “Na-na, na-na, na-nah!  I can’t HEAR YOU!”  In other words, he puts her iPod headphones back on . . .

The next night, Emily decides to go to the library to study, which Hanna thinks is ridiculous, because . . . you know . . . libraries . . . EW!  Hanna prefers to study in the mall, and buy “study,” I mean “shoplift.”

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“No, it’s a Brain Thing.”

These were probably my favorite two lines of dialogue in the entire episode.   And the FACE Hanna makes when she asks about the “Gay Thing” is priceless!

For about two seconds, Hanna seems hurt by Emily’s decision to leave her for those smelly old books.  But then Caleb stops by, and it’s like, “Emily who?”

 

“Is that a bedazzled cell phone in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”

Caleb REALLY DOES seem to want Hanna to be the Carmella Soprano to his Tony.  So, once again, he starts making phone calls for his illegal enterprise in Hanna’s room, when he should be doing something more productive with his time, like, oh .  . . I don’t know . . . having wild and crazy sex homework?  Hanna, who is already practicing to be the perfect housewife in training, plays the classic Wifey Trick on her new boyfriend.  “I’m not judging you for what you do, I’m just. . .  concerned,” Hanna says, in a way that makes it SO OBVIOUS that she is TOTALLY judging him.

“I REALLY, REALLY want to talk about it.  PLEASE, PLEASE ASK ME I don’t want to talk about it.” 

An annoyed Caleb claims he “doesn’t want to talk about it,” which is obviously Total B.S., since he INSISTS on flaunting his “phone business” in front of Hanna, pretty much any chance he gets.  So, she subtly threatens Caleb, that if he DOESN’T talk about his crimes, she will be forced to extol for him the many virtues of HAIR WEAVES . .  .

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the most ‘unbe-weave-able’ one of all?”

Like a Prisoner of War faced with having his private parts placed in a vice grip, Caleb starts telling Hanna ALL ABOUT the Car Stealing Gang he used to run with.  Eventually, these guys became too intense for him, and he bailed.  So, in other words, Hanna should be happy that his only crime now is helping teens get free porn on their iPods, because it could be SO much worse.  Hanna reluctantly agrees, because, as she tells Emily later.  She’s just SOOOO happy, he came back for her, after the whole “Male Prostitute Fiasco.”

“That Caleb . . . he’s such a stand-up guy . . . someone who was willing to give up the opportunity to have PAID sex with me, in order to have FREE sex with me.  *sigh*  My hero!”

Of course, the problem is that the dude watching Caleb and Hanna chatting outside the school is SO OBVIOUSLY part of the gang Caleb abandoned.  My advice to Hanna:  Enjoy Caleb’s flawless face while it lasts, because if I know anything about gangs, someone’s about to break that pretty mug into about a million pieces . .  .

Oh, did I mention that Hanna and Emily got to watch Hanna’s drunk parents fondle one another on the staircase?  Well . . . now I have!

 Remember when Mama Marin did this to Deputy Douchey in the Pilot Episode?  Sounds like Girlfriend needs to learn a little lesson in “impulse control.”  They call it “GET A ROOM” for a reason, Ashley!”

Meanwhile, in Arialand . . .

Two is Company, Three is Sexy, Four is a STEAL . . .

Poor Aria!  It must be so hard to have two insanely gorgeous men in your living room, hitting on you, at the EXACT SAME TIME!

Good NEWS!  Aria’s Parents are having a “Aren’t You Glad We’re Still Together, Even Though Byron was Caught Screwing his Student not too Long Ago” Get Together at the house!  And guess who’s invited?  THIS GUY!

But that’s not all!  Aria’s parents are also inviting THIS GUY . . .

Unfortunately, it’s not a “Clothing Optional” kind of party . . .

By the way, I love how, aside from Aria’s two boyfriends, and the one random couple with the baby, Mama and Papa Montgomery seemingly didn’t have any other people to invite to their little clambake.  I mean, that’s strange right? Mama Montgomery invited Facelift Jason, because she felt bad about what happened to his Mom at his fashion show, but, apparently, not bad enough to ACTUALLY invite his Mom.

“Hey, don’t look at me. I’m just as high confused as you are.”

Papa Montgomery invited Fitzy, because he felt like Fitzy didn’t have any other teacher friends at Hollis.  And yet, apparently, Papa Montgomery doesn’t have any “teacher friends” at Hollis either except for the former student he banged, because Fitzy is the only faculty member he ended up inviting.  Heck, the Montgomery’s couldn’t even get their OWN son to come to their party . . .

Hey!  Look!  Mike stole that off of somebody’s car!  Maybe he’s part of Caleb’s old Gang!

You know, if you think about it, half the people at the Montgomery were only there for a chance to enter Aria’s panties .  . . To say otherwise, would be like saying that people watch PORN for the cinemotography . . .  I’ll admit, I laughed quite a bit, when Mama Montgomery noted that Aria should “get used to calling Fitzy, Ezra.”  Ha!  At this point in their relationship, “Ezra” is probably the TAMEST of the nicknames she has for him.

So, remember a few weeks back, when Aria got super pissed at Fitzy for not wanting to give her hug in front of her parents at Ian’s funeral.  Well, it seems that this week the tables have turned.  When an incredibly nervous Aria begs Fitzy not to show up at her family dinner party, Fitzy surprises her, by INSISTING that he genuinely wants to attend.

Fitzy’s argument in favor of his own attendance?  Aria wants the two of them to “come out” as a couple.  This seems like the most expedient, and least painful, way to begin doing that . . .

Intially, Aria remains skeptical.  But then Fitzy plants a Big Fat Wet One on her . . .

And she loses the capacity to remember her OWN name, let alone disagree with anything Fitzy has said!

Ezra arrives at the Montgomery house first, bearing gifts of flowers and top shelf Scotch, which he pretends to enjoy for alchy Papa’s benefit, even though he once told Aria, the stuff tastes like diet cola and iodine.  (Really, Fitzy?  You’ve tasted IODINE before?  Why?  Did you think it would give you superpowers?)

“Great Bottle, Fitzy!  I just wish it wasn’t so small, so I’d have enough liquor leftover for breakfast tomorrow too!” 

Aria is just SO PROUD of her boyfriend’s mad “Kiss the Parents’ Asses,” moves.  In fact, she’s just about to take Fity into her bedroom, and have her way with him when THIS GUY appears on her doorstep . . .

“Well, hello Aria’s panties . . . er . .  . I mean Aria.  It’s great to see you again!”

“Who the f*&k is this douche (and how does he get his hair to be so fluffy)?”

As you might expect Fitzy and Facelift Jason enter into a bit of a classic pissing contest to determine who’s “more manly” for Aria to date.  Bike riding stats are exchanged . . .

 Go, Speedracer, GO! 

But, of course, my favorite part of the whole evening, came when Facelift Jason asked if Fitzy HAD Aria .  . .

 .  . . in his CLASS . . . had her IN HIS CLASS . . .

Yeah .  . . I didn’t think that was what he meant, either . . .

Unfortunately, a Cop (not Deputy Douchey) has to come by and interrupt the Facelift Jason and Fitzy comedy hour, to inform Ma and Pa Montgomery that Mike’s been stealing stuff from people again . .  . while they are still HOME!  (WHAT A MORON!)

“Bad Boys, Bad Boys.  Whatcha Gonna Do?  Whatcha Gonna Do when they come for YOU!”

Ma and Pa Montgomery rush off to spring their son from the POKEY, leaving Aria to “entertain” her two gentleman callers.  I SMELL A THREESOME!

 YEAH!  A Threesome!  Facelift Jason LIKE!

“Thanks, but no thanks!  I’d much rather go pout in the corner, and write poetry about my feelings.”

Meanwhile, Mama Montgomery is FINALLY realizing how badly she and Byron are sucking as parents, considering that one of their kids has become a total klepto, and the other one is probably being stalked by a serial killer, and neither of those two had ANY clue about it . . .

“Ohhh . . . so THAT’S what our son looks like!  We FORGOT!”

In an earlier conversation between Mama Montgomery and Mama Marin, we learn that these two are actually pretty close though not close enough for her to be invited to the DINNER PARTY, and that Emily’s Mom is a part of their social circle.  But Papa Hastings TOTALLY has cooties!

In this scene, we learn that PAPA Hastings was the guy behind all the girls seeing a therapist, as well as the RIDICULOUSLY BAD (not to mention, ineffective) decision to separate the PLL girls.  (I love how all the moms’ on this show seem pretty cool, but all the dad’s .  . . with the exception of Emily’s . . . seem TOTALLY evil.)

Fitzy earns some major points for offering to help Aria clean up after the party . . .

There is nothing sexier, than a man who knows his way around a dishwasher . . .

But then, he sort of loses some points, by jealously interrogating Aria about Facelift Jason .  . .

Speaking of Facelift Jason, he has the advantage of knowing what’s going on with Klepto Mike.   So, he uses it to his advantage, by playing the “Sensitive Guy,” and comforting Aria about the sudden emergence of her brother’s DARK SIDE . . .

“You seem tense, Aria!  Take off your clothes, and I will give you a massage.”

Facelift Jason suggests that Aria find out how serious Mike’s stealing problem IS, so that she can better assess her next move.  Within minutes, Aria has  found Mike’s MASSIVE THIEF STASH RIGHT IN HIS ROOM.  Geez!  His parents really had to be blind to miss this!  Speaking of blind . . .

 Aria is PISSED AS HELL that Klepto Mike would have the gall to steal from a Brother F*&king BLIND CHICK!

Look familiar?

She then abruptly, and unceremoniously, throws her two male suitors out of her household, so that she can rip Klepto Mike a new butthole, when he comes home.

“Was it something I said?” 

Upon being confronted by Aria, Klepto Mike insists that he didn’t steal that ugly piece of crap bowl from Blind Jenna’s house.  Rather, he took it from Policeboy Garrett’s HOUSE!  (By the way, did I hear Klepto Mike correctly, is Garrett’s name really, “Officer McFriendly?”  Talk about a wimpy, non-intimidating, name for a cop.  They might as well call the guy Mr. Happy Pants!)

Realizing that Policeboy is in the bed cahoots with Blind Jenna, Aria rushes to text Spencer that he can’t be trusted.

But is it already TOO LATE?

Don’t Be Such a Stick in the Mud, Spencer’s Dad!

 “DAD!  You’re not holding it right!  Geez!  Does ANYBODY know how to play field hockey on this show besides me (and Dead Creepy Pedo Ian, of course)?

For someone who was once a suspected killer, Abs Toby is quickly becoming the most POPULAR carpenter / landscape architect in town . . .

 “Hey, Abs Toby!  Why so many clothes?   Don’t you like us anymore?”

Just a few weeks back, he was hired by Jason to help him build his fence to hide dead bodies . . . a project that Papa Hastings paid to have discontinued because, in his words, “the DiLaurentis’ are always crossing the line . . .”

 . . . into his PANTS! 

Then, Papa Hastings hired Abs Toby to finish work on his barn, as sort of an “I’m sorry for thinking you were a killer and forbidding you to date my daughter,” thing.  In addition to being a super carpenter, excellent Scrabble player, solid mystery solver, awesome landscaper, fabulous ABS-haver, and remarkable kisser, Toby is apparently also a GREAT ARCHITECT.  And the plans he drew up for Papa Hastings’ barn  filled Daddy-o with hope that at LEAST one of his children could potentially marry someone who will be rich AND not a psychopath.  It’s win / win!

But all that good feeling and mutual respect is put in jeopardy, when Toby digs up Crazy Nanny Carrie Melissa’s old hockey stick in the Hastings’ yard.

And Papa Hastings snatches it away so fast you would think it was a text message from Anthony Weiner . . .

“Stop fondling my stick, Abs Toby!”

When Toby tells Spencer about what happened (I love how honest these two are with one another.  It’s refreshing . . . almost as refreshing as watching their crazy hot makeout sessions, on a weekly basis.), she immediately recalls that (1) Ali had taken Spencer’s hockey stick to practice using it as a sex toy with Ian;

“Ian’s stick is much smaller than this one . . .” 

 . . . and (2) Mr. “I Have No Memory of the Night of Ali’s Death” Facelift Jason once almost hit her with it . . .

“Doesn’t this stick match my shirt perfectly?  I think I’ll carry it around, and use it as a cane.” 

Now, I know this scene was supposed to be all SCARY.  But honestly, it looked like your typical brother / sister rivalry to me.  I’m sure Facelift Jason is going to end up being the Number One suspect in Ali’s murder, because that’s clearly what the writers are building toward.  However, I honestly, don’t think he did it.  Nobody that the PLL’s actually suspect ever ends up being the actual killer.  That’s just how this show works . . .

“So, Abs Toby.  What exactly is your workout regimen?  Because I would love a set of pects like yours!” 

Papa Hastings creepily confronts poor Tobs, once again, in the middle of the night, this time to tell him not to tell Spencer about the hockey stick.  Abs Toby admits that he already HAS told Spencer, but at least has the foresight to lie and say she didn’t seem to care.  Then Papa tells the Tobmeister not to tell Spencer about THIS conversation, which, of course, Abs Toby rushes to do, right away!  (That’s right Toby!  At least SOMEONE knows where his bread is buttered, if you catch my drift.)

“See?  I was a good boy, wasn’t I!  You are going to REWARD me, aren’t you?”

The first time Spencer meets with Garrett the Policeboy its to inquire about that messenger guy who Policeboy paid off at Blind Jenna’s request up and left town, after trying to collect the blackmail money for Ian’s sex tapes.  The girls would like to question him more about the person who sent him, because it sure as heck wasn’t Ian.  It was BLIND JENNA!

Hey, Spencer!  You know that when guys do that THING with their belts, it means that they’re aroused, right?  Just warning you!

Of course, that Lying Creepster of a Policeboy is not only patronizing, but TOTALLY unhelpful, telling Spencer that there is basically no chance in heck that Messenger Boy is returning to town, so she might as well move on with her life.  (Obviously, Policeboy is covering for Blind Jenna.  I don’t think SHE killed Ali either.   But Policeboy might THINK that she did . . .)

Then Spencer arrives home to find her Dad TOSSING THE HOCKEY STICK INTO THE FIRE, thereby destroying the only evidence the girls may have as to Ali’s real killer . . .

Now Papa Hastings may be your typical rich assh*le, who’d rather throw money at his kids than actually engage in conversation with them.  He’s also obstructing justice by destroying criminal evidence here.  All that being said, I really believe that he is doing this to try to protect his daughters.  Papa recognizes that Spencer was ALREADY once suspected of murdering Ali, when the police found that bloody trophy on the premises.   Surely, they would suspect her or Melissa again, if this stick ever turned up.

Still, Spencer is devastated by the notion that her father continues to think the worst of her, despite her being the perfect daughter, not to mention SO MUCH better than her miserable excuse for a human being, sister.  Fortunately, she has Toby (and his Abs) to comfort her, during this difficult time  . . .

He promises to help Spencer try to find out the truth about what really happened to Alison, so that she can finally be at peace, and prove to her family, once and for all, what a bunch of a$$holes they are . . .  It’s actually Toby who indirectly gives Spencer the idea to talk to Policeboy Garrett about what was in Ali’s coroner’s report, as that would undoubtedly illustrate the specific manner in which Ali was killed, and possibly even pin down whether the hockey stick was the weapon that killed her.  (SOMEONE’S BEEN WATCHING CSI!)

Honestly, how these girls could have gone on trusting this CREEPER for as long as they have is beyond me?  How many times have they asked for his help?  And how many times has he given them NOTHING AT ALL but more questions, skeevy leers, and admonitions that they musn’t go to any other cops, aside from him.  I’m just glad Spencer got Aria’s text, before she had the chance to spill the beans to Policeboy, as to who she thinks killed Ian.

Now, if only SOMEONE would kill the Policeboy (and, Blind Jenna, while they are at it).

Any volunteers?

“Paging Dr. Gloved Hand . . .”

 I guess we can now add Mad Scientist to “A’s” already ridiculously long resume of Super Villain Skills . . .

The final scene of the episode, features the elusive Gloved Hand injecting a drug called BD7 (Belledium?  Belledonna?  Bad Donuts?) into a syringe, as the song “I’ve Got You Under My Skin” plays in the background.  (Get it?  “Under My Skin” . . . because it’s a syringe?   Har de har har).

Based on some of the hints we were given in this episode, in conjunction with the Episode 8 promo, I’d say the person being poisoned is our girl, Emily.

Lay off the sauce, Girlfriend!  This is NO JOKE! 

You can checkout the MuchMusic promo for next week’s installment of PLL, HERE . . .

Until then . . . au revoir, My Pretties! 🙂

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]