“So, THAT is who was pinching my ass! I THOUGHT those fingers felt familiar!”
Welcome back, My Pretties! This week, on PLL, the girls began to wonder whether “A” was, not just an EXTREMELY busy individual . . . but, rather, a crack team of Expert Stalkers / Threatening Text Message Writers. And, really, if you think about it, this seems like the ONLY logical explanation. I mean, how else could anyone possibly explain this seemingly supernatural character, who’s nefarious hands are simultaneously up every single PLL girl’s butt, AT ALL TIMES?
Oh, and before I begin this recap, I’d like to thank the writers of Pretty Little Liars for adding “eating cereal” and “getting a massage” to the ever-growing list of Things I Am Now Afraid to Do, Because of This Show. (At this rate, by the time the series finale airs, I won’t be able to leave the house!)
Leave My Alpha Bits ALONE!
See? This is why Froot Loops are my cereal of choice. You can’t leave creepy messages in Froot Loops! On an unrelated note, Poor Spencer! It looks like “A” went into her closet, in the middle of the night, and shredded all her button-down shirts. Wait . . . you mean, it’s SUPPOSED to look like that? Wow, I will just never understand fashion . . .
This week, the girls, once again, give their Pretty Little Episode recap in the cafeteria. Aria admits to swapping
blood saliva with Facelift Vampire Jason . . .
“I was thirsty. OK?”
And Spencer and Emily admit to breaking into Facelift Vampire Jason’s lair, and finding scary close-up shots of Aria sleeping (or drugged?), inside of it. Having imparted that
old news important information, Spencer and Aria exit, Stage Left, leaving poor Emily, and her Alpha Bits all by their lonesome.
“What the hell? Aren’t I supposed to get another new girlfriend, this week? Because I could really use one right about now.”
So, Emily opens up her Alpha Bits, and is shocked to find that SOMEONE has given her only letter “A’s,” (which pretty much defeats the purpose of having Alpha Bits, if you ask me.)
Now, they just look like Lucky Charms, without the marshmallows . . .
OK, now this is where I cry foul Are we honestly supposed to believe that “A” somehow: (1) anticipated that Emily was going to eat Alpha Bits that morning; (2) bought like TEN boxes of Alpha Bits, in order to find enough “A’s” to fill an individual box; (3) opened a box of Alpha Bits, and exchanged its multi-letter contents for just “A’s;” (4) RE-SEALED the box, so it looked like it had never been opened; and (5) somehow made sure that of all the available cereal boxes, THAT was the one Emily chose?
Not only is Emily’s cereal box filled with A’s, it also, apparently, contains a personal note . . .
Can I just say . . . WORST CEREAL BOX PRIZE EVER!
Meanwhile, over at the Marin Household . . .
Compassion is for Morning People . . .
Still in mourning over being ditched by Caleb, in favor of his Deadbeat Mom, Hanna has decided to express her depression, by maintaining the same hairstyle she wore on the night of the fateful breakup (which, I really like, actually) . . .
“This is my Sad Hair . . .”
While Emily is off at school, eating pre-fondled cereal, Hanna is still loafing around the house, when she runs into Mama Marin, who’s VERY worried about Poor Emily, and her “stress.” (Riiiight, because her own daughter doesn’t appear stressed out at all!) When Hanna complains that Emily has taken to the annoying habit of grinding her teeth in her sleep
(Wow, you’ve gotta be pretty close by to notice something like that! Are these two sleeping in the same bed? ;)), her mother scolds her to have a little more compassion for her friend.
I agree, Hanna. The only person I’m compassionate toward, before 10 a.m., is MYSELF. And that’s only because I pity myself for having to be up before 10 a.m.
But Mama Marin will not give up on the surrogate daughter she clearly likes better than her own. She hands Hanna a gift certificate for a massage, instructing Hanna to give it to Emily, if and when she ever decides to drag her butt to school . . .
“Emily Fields is like the daughter I never had . . . no offense, Hanna.”
“So . . . about that whole ‘You’re a Psycho Stalker’ thing . . .”
“Sleep now, so that I can take more . . . ahem . . . ‘artistic’ photos of you . . . er . . . I mean so that Ali can take more photos of you sleeping . . . even though she’s dead.”
I think most of us sort of expected that Jason would have SOME sort of explanation for those disturbing photographs of Aria, we saw in his shed, last week. And, I guess, I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt that he’s telling the truth about not taking them, himself, until I hear otherwise. But still, you have to admit, that whole family is pretty cracked!
I mean, I know Ali’s like dead and all. But that’s really no excuse for having been a perv, while alive, now is it? Am I the only one who’s just as creeped out knowing that Ali took these pictures, as I was when I thought Jason took them? Why the double standard? Just because she’s a GIRL?
Anywhoo . . . in a show that revolves quite a bit around LYING, I give Aria a lot of credit, for being surprisingly mature, and IMMEDIATELY coming to Jason with the accusation Spencer and Emily had lodged against him. Typically, in shows like this, the protagonist will simply start AVOIDING the accused person, without telling him or her why she is doing so, until the truth eventually comes out . .. thereby making the protagonist look like a TOTAL ASSHAT. So, yay to Aria, for not being an ASSHAT, I guess.
“Was that supposed to be a compliment?”
According to Facelift Vampire Jason, he had been randomly sifting through Ali’s old things, when he came upon a roll of undeveloped film. When he figured out what it was, he developed the pictures, and planned to have them framed for Aria as a gift. Riiiiiight . . . because everyone likes to hang weird creepy close-up pictures of themselves sleeping on their bedroom wall. Seriously, Facelift Jason, how vain exactly do you think Aria is?
But, hey, I guess it’s not the gift, but the
dirty thought that counts, right?
Meanwhile, back inside the school . . .
The Return of El Shrinko
“OK . . . so let me get this straight, your daughter believes that the ghost of her dead friend has been sending her text messages? And your son steals ugly pottery from blind girls? What a lovely, sane, family you’ve raised!”
Even though it’s College Fair Day, and she has absolutely no logical reason to be there, that Random Shrink from a Few Episodes Back is conveniently wandering around Rosewood Prep. Mama Montgomery sees her, and asks her to meet with her Crazy Klepto, Possibly Suicidal, Son . . .
Though, it would be a conflict of interest for Aria’s therapist to also see her brother, Random Shrink From a Few Episodes Back agrees to recommend a colleague of hers for Crazy Mike.
Speaking of Crazy, Random Shrink runs into a clearly at her wits end, Emily, who REALLY needs to talk to someone about all the awful stuff going on in her life right now.
Don’t worry, Emily. In a couple weeks, “A” will go back to ignoring you, and it will be Aria’s turn to experience her wrath . . .
Random Shrink, who, honestly, seemed like a cold b*tch in earlier episodes, is surprisingly sweet to Emily
probably because she knows she’s going to make A LOT of money off of her crazy ass and gently suggests that the two meet after school to talk. Emily agrees.
“I’ll be billing you for this conversation too . . . just so you know.”
Speaking of people who have no business being at Rosewood Prep, but are there, because the plot requires them to be . . .
Hollis College: Where The Faculty is VERY Hands-On
At the college fair, Aria is THRILLED to see Fitzy working the Hollis College booth
(especially since these sort of things are usually run by RECRUITERS, and not NEW PROFESSORS who should be . . . I don’t know . . . busy professing). However, she is less than thrilled to learn that Fitzy’s ex-fiance Jackie is working the booth as well. And she is hanging all over Fitzy, like she’s one of his sweater vests . . .
“I’m going to use this Hollis College Lanyard to tie you up, and throw you in the trunk of my car. I hope you don’t mind.”
When Fitzy sees Aria, he immediately bounds over to her, clearly horny as hell from being around all these high school students. He even makes some sexually suggestive comments about the generalized gropiness (Is that even a word?) of the Hollis College faculty. But Aria isn’t exactly in the mood for Fitzy Flirtation. So, she stomps out of the gym, forcing him to run after her, like the loyal puppy dog boyfriend he has become.
Continuing this weeks trend of uncharacteristic “Honest and Mature” behavior, Aria directly confronts Fitzy with her fear that, because they are still hiding their relationship, “external factors” *cough Jackie and Jason* are getting in the way of their happiness. Fitzy, typical clueless boy that he is, is, apparently completely oblivious to the fact that Jackie-O still wants his bod . . .
I’m just reminding you what it looks like . . .
During this conversation, Aria also confesses to kissing Jason . . . er . . . I mean, LETTING Jason kiss her. This is where the conversation, understandably, gets a bit uncomfortable. And like any good pitbull, Jackie-O immediately smells the fear, and rushes over to hump Fitzy’s leg. Once Fitzy leaves, she moves on to Aria, baring her fangs, and peppering her with thinly veiled insults about her age and lack of maturity.
“Fitzy’s MINE! And I would know, I peed on his leg to mark my territory, yesterday . . .”
Annoying Mona . . . Horse Whisperer
“You better not make me wear a fugly dress like that, when I’m a bridesmaid at your wedding.”
Hanna and Mona ditch the College Fair (She chooses colleges, like she chooses clothes, anyway . . . from the catalogue!), so that Hanna can get fitted for the hideous bridesmaid dress her future stepmonster picked out for her wedding to Hanna’s Douchey Daddy. The pair rank a bit on the awfulness of the dress, and how hillbilly the person who selected it must be, until that person’s daughter appears on the scene, looking very different from the last time we saw her . . .
First we had Facelift Jason, now we have Facelift Kate . . .
“What the hell did they do to my face?”
Annoying Mona quickly figures out that Hanna’s future stepsister is a wealthy snob. And, since that’s exactly what Mona aspires to be someday (Well, she’s already a snob . . . but I guess the wealthy part, is something she needs to work on), the professional star f*&ker arranges for her and Hanna to accompany Kate and her friends on a little horseback riding excursion . . .
“This storyline is lame. Why the f*&k are we here?”
Though Annoying Mona claims to be a “horse whisperer” (I don’t think Mona is even capable of whispering to HUMANS, let alone horses.), neither of the girls actually have any riding experience. And both Mona and Hanna end up losing their horsing, and having to walk the rest of the trail. Back at the Polo Lodge, Hanna “accidentally’ leaves her hat on the control panel, which ends up turning on the intercom system. So, of course, she starts griping about Stepmonsters Kate and Isabel. And, of course, Kate overhears all of it.
“I’m really angry now, but you can’t tell, because of all the collagen I had injected into my New Face . . .”
Hanna immediately becomes worried that Facelift Kate will rat her out to her family for all the nasty things she said. But she doesn’t. Instead, she calls her on the phone, threatening to break her spirit, and beat her into subservience, like an unruly horse. (WOW, Facelift Kate is into animal cruelty? Now, I DEFINITELY don’t like her.) Here’s hoping “A” breaks Kate’s new face, before she gets a chance to break Hanna’s . . .
Speaking of familiar (and not so familiar faces) . . .
What the hell is an N.A.T. club?
“How dare Creepy Pedo Ian join a club I’m not a member of! If he wasn’t already dead, I’d kill him!”
Spencer and Abs Toby are sorting through Dead Creepy Pedo Ian’s stuff, when they come across his old yearbook. Flipping through it, they come to realize that Creepy Pedo Ian, Facelift Vampire Jason, and Police Boy Garrett, were all in the same three-person club . . .
Wait a second! Since when are these three guys all the SAME age? Whatever happened to the writers saying that Facelift Vampire Jason is more “age-appropriate” for Aria than Fitzy. Isn’t Creepy Pedo Ian virtually the same age as Aria’s current boyfriend (give or take a year or two)? Just curious . . .
Cue SPENCER FACE!
(You have to admit, Toby kind of had a point, when he called Spencer, “a nice word for obsessive.”)
After doing a little internet research, Spencer figures out that N.A.T. stands for Nos Animadverto Totus, which translates into English as “We See All.”
Now, Spencer is convinced that these guys were ALL taking creepy videos of Rosewood residents, and that Facelift Vampire Jason killed his sister
to drink her blood to prevent her from going forward with the tapes. Knowing that Aria will not listen to her anymore, when it comes to her “advice” about Jason, Spencer decides to tell the person most likely to get through to Aria . . . Fitzy . . .
“I wish I was wearing my My Little Pony Sweater . . . I miss that little guy.”
Spencer finds Fitzy in his car outside the school . . .
Never one to mince words, within about 30 seconds, Spencer has already told Fitzy that (1) she knows about him and Aria’s relationship; and (2) Aria is in DANGER
of getting turned into a vampire. And we all know how persuasive Spencer can be, when she really puts her mind to it . . .
Unfortunately, for Spencer and Fitzy, they are not alone. SOMEONE is watching them . . .
And now for the most disturbing part of the episode . . .
Massages are SCAAAAAARRRRRY!
Oh Emily . . . you won’t be smiling for long.
As was commanded by the Marin’s Emily heads to the massage parlor, and is instructed by the masseuse to lay down and get comfy, while she prepares for the appointment. A few moments later, Emily’s massage begins. You can just see the tension rolling off Emily’s shoulders. She feels happy and relaxed, and looks like she might drop off to sleep at any moment. Then the masseuse comes back, ready to start the massage . . . wait . . . WHAT?
Yeah, so apparently, that WHOLE time Emily was being fondled by “A” instead of the actual masseuse. What are the odds? (Actually, on THIS show, the odds are very high.)
Adding insult to grossness, the minute Emily leaves the massage parlor (looking NOT AT ALL relaxed, by the way), “A” has to go and send her a super threatening text message. (SURPRISE!)
OK. So, I know who Dr. Sullivan is. But who are Eric and Denise J.? I never see any of the PLL’s hanging out with anyone except for their significant others, and eachother . . . and sometimes Annoying Mona.
Tata for now, Facelift Jason! Ezria is “Official”
“I’m really going to miss you, Aria. Can I keep one of these pictures of you that I TOTALLY didn’t take myself *wink, wink* as a souvenir of our three-episode love affair.”
At some random coffee shop, Facelift Vampire Jason gives Aria those Framed Creepy Pictures of her Sleepy Face. I’m actually really curious to see whether Aria will actually hang these up on her wall. (Imagine staring at pictures of yourself sleeping, while you are trying to go to sleep . . . weird.) Facelift notes that he found the film in a box that Aria kept underneath the floorboards. Aria expresses interest in the box, so Jason offers to get it for her. She follows him back to his house, but is still hesitant enough of his motives, to not want to follow him inside alone to retrieve the darn thing.
While Aria is waiting for Facelift, Fitzy arrives . . .
Fitzy reiterates to a shocked Aria, how dangerous he thinks Facelift Vampire Jason is, after hearing all about the guy’s “photography talents” from Spencer. He then tells her that he wants to save their relationship. And if that means going public, starting with Aria’s parents, then, so be it. Aria mentally reminds herself to thank Spencer for helping her to FINALLY get laid, as she moves in for a big fat Fitzy Smooch . . .
*insert sucking and slurping noises here*
Of course, this is precisely the moment at which Jason emerges from his house with Dead Ali’s Box O’ Memories . .
. because he’s probably been watching from his window the whole time.
Yeah, because this isn’t awkward at all.
The Facelift Vampire gives Aria the box, while Fitzy waits for her in his car, clearly, not taking ANY chances . . .
But before you start checking your mailbox for Ezria wedding invitations, you should hear what Aria’s snoopy, kind of judgmental MOM had to say to Aria, when she got home . . .
“I’m totally judging
you Spencer, right now.”
Apparently, Mama Montgomery’s little eavesdropping session somehow led her to believe that SPENCER and Fitzy were doing the deed, and that the rumors going around school that Fitzy was porking one of the students at Rosewood Prep were about HER. Aria, of course, denies this, but wonders allowed what difference it would make if the two of them WERE dating, considering their age difference is minimal. Mama
Montgomery who’s probably still stewing over her OWN husband cheating on her with a student feels that this situation is STILL immoral, because it implies that Fitzy used his position as a teacher at the school to his sexual advantage. She also admits to a horrified Aria that, if she found out that Fitzy and Spencer were boning she would feel incredibly jealous betrayed, since Mama Montgomery always had a HUGE crush on Fitzy she considered Fitzy a friend.
Uh Oh! I guess these three won’t be going to the movies together anytime soon . . .
Elsewhere in Rosewood . . .
Blind Jenna and Police Boy Garrett Strike Again
Blind Jenna barges into Spencer’s house and accuses her of being a hungry terrier for using Toby to help her search through the wench’s private belongings.
That’s funny, I always thought of Spencer more as a pug . . .
B.J. warns Spencer that her continued snooping is dangerous for her and Abs Toby. But Spencer is not the type of girl who’s going to be intimidated by a few idle threats. In fact, as B.J. is leaving, Spencer sends her off with a pretty awesome parting shot. “Tell, Garrett I said, Hi,” she coos.
In what is becoming almost as common an occurrence on PLL episodes, as the PLL Girl weekly recap, Jenna hops into the sniveling Police Boy Garrett’s car to warn him that “they [the PLL girls] know about us.”
“Would this be a bad time to ask you for car sex?”
However, it is what B.J. says next that is the most intriguing. Blind Jenna notes that Spencer has been “looking through yearbooks,” something Spencer clearly never mentioned in her earlier conversation. This means that either (1) Toby told Blind Jenna what he and Spencer found; or (2) Blind Jenna is NO LONGER BLIND JENNA (having had her eye surgery already), and saw the yearbooks in Spencer’s living room. Honestly, I’m not quite sure about that second option, since you would think that type of eye surgery would require a signficant amount of recovery time. Needless to say, however, SOMETHING is up . . .
“I’ve got my eye on you
Blow Job , Blind Jenna!”
Blind Jenna and Police Boy end their conversation by jointly making the decision that it is time to talk to Facelift Jason, so that the threesome can get their respective stories straight. In one of the final scenes of the episode, Police Boy visits Facelift, and reminds him how important it is that the two of them keep their mouths shut about what happened between them. After all, Police Boy has a job to keep, a reputation to protect, and an underage blind girlfriend to continue screwing. Stakes are high, indeed . . .
PLL Girl Reunion and Gloved Hand Reprise
Having been enmeshed in their own separate storylines for most of the episode, it was nice to see the PLL girls all reunite at (Emily’s?) house, for one final bonding moment. In what may have been my favorite scene in the entire episode, Aria tells Spencer that she isn’t mad at her for going to Fitzy about Facelift Jason. After all, as I mentioned earlier, Spencer’s little trick is DEFINITELY going to help Aria get laid. 🙂 Spencer, of course, apologized anyway, for butting in, explaining that she just worries about Aria, because she’s so petite and fragile looking, and Spencer cares about her so darn much.
Both Lucy Hale and Troian Bellisario played off the scene beautifully. And you could really feel the love between these two girls. All together now . . . AWWWWWW!
The final scene features “A” coming to visit Random Therapist lady . . .
Uh oh! Something tells me this isn’t going to end well . . .
You can check out the promo for Episode 11 of Pretty Little Liars, here:
See you next week, My Pretties!