Well, THAT’S Convenient! – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “If At First You Don’t Succeed, Lie, Lie Again”

SMILE!  You’re on a Creepy Stalker’s Camera!

Welcome back, my Pretties!  This was a pretty productive episode, wasn’t it?  We met a new enemy (specifically, Emily’s Swim Teammate, Paige, or as I like to call her, Little Orphan B*tchie).

Seriously?  That hair?  Those clothes?  No . . . just . . . no.

We got to know a new friend with benefits? a little bit better . . .

“Hi!  My name is Stereotypical Bad Boy Love Interest.  What’s yours?”

We welcomed back a new suspect (who’s been SERIOUSLY hitting the steroids HARD eating his Wheaties, since we saw him last).

A few couples heated things up (one of which we ACTUALLY cared about!).

Mmmm!  That looks like it tastes good . . .

Meh . . .

An old lady died (RIP Old Lady!).  And another Old Lady told SOMEONE (A?  Ali’s Killer?) that she (or he, though it definitely seemed more like a she) had nice eyes . . .

“Why thank you, Old Lady, and you have nice .  . . teacups.”

And finally, Spencer FINALLY revealed why she’s been acting so Cuckoo Bananas, everytime she gets anywhere near that picture of Ali that was taken the night she died . . .

But we still haven’t figured out why she always makes that weird face . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

Questionable Judgment (and even more questionable hats)

Clearly, all these months of being tortured by “A,” making out with inappropriate men (and women), and not sleeping, have started to take their toll on the girls.  We see the first signs of this, when the typically stylish Aria arrives at Spencer’s house inexplicably dressed like Where’s Waldo?

(Hanna, of course, had another analogy for Aria’s bizarro appearance.  She compared her to a Strung Out Powder Puff Girl.  This, to me, seemed kind of redundant, as the Powder Puff Girls ALWAYS look strung out, as far as I’m concerned . . .)

Sorry, Buttercup!

And yet, we can’t really blame Aria for not looking her best this morning.  After all, she’s been up all night, dreaming about the next public restroom she and Fitzy can screw in, McDonalds?  Wendy’s? studying Ali’s morbid final moments caught on film.  And during these hours of restless study, she has come to two conclusions: (1) there is a shadow of a second person in the film, who is clearly following Ali toward wherever she is going; (2) the photograph was taken from Ali’s bedroom window.  This new information causes Hanna and Emily to begin speculation as to who could possibly be the second person caught on film.  And it causes Spencer to . . . make That Face again . . .

Sometimes, my jaw and eyebrows get tired, just watching her do this . . . I’m starting to think she might have inadvertently swallowed her “ex”-boyfriend, Wren . . .

 . . . and Alex, for that matter . . .

In terms of who has taken the Extremely Morbid Picture, the girls rationally assume that it had to be Ali’s brother, Jason.  If you recall, Jason is the same creepy brother who TOTALLY took over Ali’s memorial service, and basically, accused all the girls (but, mostly, Spencer) of knowing more than they claimed about Ali’s death.  None of the girls seem to have any desire to talk to Jason again.  But Spencer JUMPS RIGHT ON THAT OPPORTUNITY!

Gee!  I wonder WHY?  (That Spencer . .. such a Maneater!)

Clad in her best approximation of an Indiana Jones Halloween costume (all she’s missing is the whip), Spencer heads off to the track to find Ali’s brother, Jason, sans shirt.  (Correct me if I’m wrong, but is this the first shirtless male we’ve seen on PLL?  Thanks, ABC Fam!  It was much appreciated.  TRUST ME!) 

Of course, he HAS to be running stairs when we first see him!  Because, otherwise, there seems to be absolutely NO EXPLANATION as to how this guy nearly DOUBLED in size (and hotness), since we last saw him . . .

He also seems to have dyed his hair . . . not that I spent all that much time focusing on anything above his neck . . . 😉

Jason initially denies taking the picture.  When asked who he thinks might have taken it, he informs Spencer that it could have been anyone.  After all, plenty of  insensitive people have tried to send him fake photographs of Ali, since her untimely demise. 

All doubts aside, Jason takes the picture, anyway (not sure where he put it though . . . his pants, perhaps?), and promises to have his private investigator take a look at it.  Jason then apologizes for being such a douche to Spencer, during Ali’s memorial.  To this Spencer mumbles her assent unenthusiastically, and rushes off.  Now, I suspect our girl Spence would have been more gracious about accepting Jason’s apology, if she weren’t so mesmerized by his six pack and bulging sweaty chest . . .

See, in THIS context, The Face makes PERFECT SENSE!

But Jason isn’t the only one getting some exercise this morning.  Emily is in the pool, working on some strokes (no pun intended).

The Battle of the Breast(stroke)

If you recall, Emily was quite the swimmer, back in the day.  But after everything went down with Ali, she took some time off from the sport, to get her head together.  Now, Emily is back, and kicking butt!

But SOMEONE isn’t happy about it . . .

Little Orphan B*tchie doesn’t appear to be quite the swimming phenom that Emily is.  But what she lacks in talent, she makes up for in sheer annoyingness, and cheesiness.  This is evidenced by her deciding to use the team’s Locker Room Change Time to give everyone on the team dorky “Go Sharks” bracelets . . .

Does that Ugly Bracelet look familiar to you?  It sure looks familiar to EMILY!

Of course, Emily immediately assumes that the “friendship bracelets” they got from Ali, back when she was alive, the DUPLICATE one that “A” gave them, and the ones that Paige had made, all come from he same place.  (Really?  Because I’ve probably seen about 100 ugly friendship bracelets that look just like those, in my time.  You can usually buy them for 50 cents in those toy dispenser machines they keep in front of grocery stores . . .)

Paranoid Paige, who immediately assumes that Emily is back on the team, only to take the coveted Swim Team Captain job away from her, not-so-subtly threatens to “out” Emily to the rest of the team, should she compete against Paige for the position.

Paige does this by making an extremely unfunny Breast-stroke joke.  (Why do I have a feeling this is going to end up being a Kurt versus Karofsky from Glee situation, all over again?)

Emily holds her own, however.  She tells Paige, in no uncertain terms, that if she really wants to be Swim Team Captain, she should stop sucking so much at .  . . you know . . . swimming.  But Paige’s homophobic comments still irk Emily enough to complain about them to Aria and Spencer at lunch.  These complaints prompt Spencer, unbeknownst to Emily, to rat Paige out to the swim coach.  (This, by the way, eventually causes a pretty intense fight between Spencer and Emily.  But they make up by the end of the episode.  So, it didn’t really seem worth mentioning.)

The swim coach keeps Emily and Paige, after practice, to discuss Paige’s derogatory statements.  She even offers to throw Paige off the team, for what she said to Emily.  Emily, however, tells her that won’t be necessary.

Now, you would think that Emily’s act of EXTREME kindness, in the face of TOTAL douchebaggery, would merit some appreciation on Paige’s part.  But NO.  Paige instead tries to DROWN Emily in the pool . . .

Paige claims she did THIS, because she was pissed that she ended up being replaced by Emily on the relay team for an upcoming meet.  But I just think that BIATCH is CRA-ZY!

“Are YOU talkin’ to me?”

As for those ugly bracelets, the girls later did some investigation as to where they were purchased, and learned that they were made by some old lady, who worked out of her home.  When Spencer (of course, it would be SPENCER doing the investigating, AGAIN!) arrives at the lady’s house, however, the old biddy tells her that both Emily’s bracelet, and “A’s” bracelet, were both purchased by . . .  wait for it . . . SPENCER HASTINGS!

But just when I think that this was going to devolve into one of those Split Personality Lifetime-type movies . . . you know, the ones where the victim ALSO ends up being the torturer . . . we are treated to a final scene, in which an unknown person, who, apparently has NICE EYES, visits the old biddy.  And the Old Biddy says to HER, “I did exactly what you said [lie].”

That, of course, immediately made me think of THIS flashback  scene, from the episode “Please, Do Talk About Me When I’m Gone.”

And with that, “Blind” Jenna just moved up a notch on my Suspects List.  After all, we never did figure out how she was able to put on that lipstick using the MIRROR . . .

But enough about Little Miss Swimfan, and Blind Jenna’s “beautiful eyes,” let’s talk a bit about Aria and Fitzy, and their Hot Date . . .

NO!  Not that one . ..  the one at the MUSEUM!

Night at the Museum

(NOTE:  Animated GIFS in this section of the recap have been “borrowed” from the Aria and Ezra Tumblr.  So, special thanks to the folks over there!  Readers, if this is your “SHIP,” definitely check them out!)

Up until this point in their relationship, Aria’s and Ezra’s “dates” have included (1) a quickie in a public restroom; (2) some hot tongue action in cars; (3) blink and you’ll miss it, romps in Ezra’s Swingin’ Bachelor Pad; (4) school dances; (5) and a trip to the movies with Aria’s MOM.  So, you can imagine how THRILLED Aria was, when Spencer got her and her Secret Boyfriend tickets to an art opening at a museum in Philadelphia . . .

As Spencer put it, Aria was willing to give her TONGUE for those tickets.  (Hmmmm .  . . wonder how Emily would have felt about that.)  In Philadephia, Aria and Ezra will be FREE to swap spit in public!  YAY!  (Well . . . people will still probably notice that Ezra was macking an underage girl, but at least they won’t know she’s his HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT.)

For me, the BEST part of the entire episode, was when Aria approached Ezra, while he was proctoring an exam, to give him the tickets (hidden in a writing notebook), and inform him that he should “dress formally” for their date . . .

For a second there, I was seriously concerned that Fitzy’s eyes were going to fall right out of his head!

Unfortunately, for Ezra (along with the two straight male fans of this show on the entire planet), Aria wasn’t exactly naked under there . . .

There are, of course, a lot of X-rated ways in which this “note” could be interpreted, but I’m pretty sure she’s just telling him to wear a tie . . . unfortunately.

That night, when Aria arrives at Ezra’s apartment for their date, he surprises her by picking her up in a stretch limo, Mr. Big from Sex and the City– style . . .

And in my dirty mind, on the WAY to the museum, the pair got it on, Chuck and Blair-style . . .

Even though the artist they were SUPPOSED to see ended up canceling the event, Aria and Ezra still had an amazing time . . .

 . . . which is a relief, considering how close they came to having the WORST TIME EVER!  (I’m looking at YOU, Hanna!)

If you are REALLY happy that some one died (because it will prevent you from going to prison), does that make you a bad person?

Probably . . . but we still love you, Hanna (and so does Lucas .  . . and maybe that Caleb guy too).

Hanna’s family hits yet another rough patch, when the old biddy who Hanna’s mom took the “unauthorized loan” from inexplicably made an appointment to meet with Hanna’s mom.  And although Mommy Felon tried to put a brave face on things, you could tell she knew she was TOTALLY up Sh*t’s Creek, without a paddle . . .

“I am SO f&*ked!”

Later that day, Hanna gets notice from “A” that she can make some extra cash, by ratting Aria out to her mom.   The note comes with a ticket to the museum event Aria and Ezra will be attending.  Obviously, this is a TOTALLY crappy thing to do to your supposed best friend.  But, then again, letting your mom get 15-to-life for trying to pay your medical bills is also a kind of crappy thing to do. 

So, Hanna leaves the tickets in an envelope in Aria’s mom’s mailbox at school (apparently, she teaches there, who knew?).  However, immediately after making the delivery, Hanna has second thoughts.  So, she tries to put a stop to things, by convincing Aria not to go on the date.

“Whatchu talkin’ about, Girl Who’s NOT Dating a Hot 20-Something?”

But that doesn’t work.  Then she tries to talk Aria’s mom out of going to the museum . . . but that doesn’t work either.  Finally, she tries to steal back the envelope, but ends up getting detention for skipping gym class.  (I’m glad SOMEONE noticed that one week, Hanna had a CAST on from being RUN OVER BYA CAR.  And the next, she was dancing with Lucas for SIX HOURS at a school event.) 

In detention, the seemingly omnipresent Caleb starts flirting with Hanna, hardcore . . .

“Hey Hanna, I may be a Bad Boy, but I’m Real Good in the Sack . . .”

As for Hanna, she’s either so desperately in love with Lucas that she doesn’t notice any other boys (YAY!), or she has NO game, whatsoever.  Because Hanna actually responds to Caleb’s flirtation by . . . wait for it . . . talking about how much she loves Justin Bieber.

Hanna’s got the Bieber Fever.  Side Effects:  Never getting laid . . . EVER!

(OK . . . now, I GET that ABC Family was trying to do a whole Cross Promotional Thing with the Bieber Documentary Movie, but this whole scene was just lame, with a capital “L.”)

And yet, Bieberery Slips aside, Hanna apparently still charms the pants off Caleb.  Because the dude actually goes out and BREAKSAria’s mom’s car, so she can’t get to the museum.  Now, how’s THAT for dedication?

Hanna, of course, offers to PAY Caleb for his trouble.  But he doesn’t seem to want any money.  He’d much prefer to get inside Hanna’s pants . . .

Don’t you worry about it, Lucas!  He’s a strong contender.  But we still think you can take him!

But what about Hanna’s mom, and the felony??  Well . . . the good news is we aren’t going to have to worry about that for a little while at least, until the Old Crone’s will finishes going through probate, which could take months.  The bad news is, this is because the “unauthorized lender” . . . DIED.

Tears of sadness, or tears of joy?  You be the judge.

The Part About Aria’s Parents — Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

“Hey, Aria’s mom!  Just because I recently got under the hood of one of my students (Sound familiar?), doesn’t mean I can’t still pop YOUR hood?”

So, remember when I told you that Caleb broke Aria’s mom’s car, so she couldn’t go to the museum opening?  Well, it turns out she REALLY wanted to go.  So much so, in fact, that she was willing to call her Cheating Louse of Husband to fix the damage, which, of course, he couldn’t.  The pair bicker a bit, and it’s supposed to be cute, I guess.  But it isn’t, because we don’t really care about Aria’s parents (no offense), and the actors playing them have no chemistry with one another, whatsoever.

Long story – short, Aria’s dad ends up driving Aria’s mom to the museum in his car, and they end up making out in the front seat.  (Apparently, the “Making Out in Cars” gene runs in this family.)  Since we didn’t see what happened after the two started necking (THANK THE LORD!), we can’t be too sure, whether Aria’s mom, in fact, SAW Aria and Ezra on their “date.”  And yet, Aria’s mom is acting MIGHTY weird, when she tells Aria they need to “talk” the following day at school .  . .

“Why does SHE get to make out with the hot guy, and I get the Wanker?  Damn you, Aria!”

Personally, I’m pretty sure Aria’s mom DIDN’T see Aria and Ezra.  I’m thinking she wants to tell her daughter that “Mommy and Daddy are getting back together.”  After all, thinking about someone’s life, other than her own, doesn’t exactly seem to be Aria’s mom’s strong suit.  Then again, I could be wrong . . .

Spencer’s Big Secret

When Spencer arrives home from school that day, she is surprised to find that Hot Jason (now wearing clothes, unfortunately) has let himself into her house.

Clearly, not much for small talk, Jason spills a wealth of information to Spencer, in just a few short moments.  Here’s what Jason tells Spencer:  (1) The picture she gave him of Ali is Real.  (2) Jason may have taken it himself.  (3) Jason can’t remember whether he took the picture or not, because he was drugged out of his gourd the entire month before Ali died.  (Fortunately, Jason doesn’t drugs, anymore . . . well, aside from the steroids of course.) (4) Creepy Ian was Jason’s good pal, and a fellow drug addict.  He often spent time at Jason (and Ali’s house), and was probably there the night Ali died.  (That last part, of course, we already knew.)

This last bit of information prompts Spencer to recall the fight she had with Ali the night of her death.

During the fight, Ali (who, unbeknownst to Spencer, was boning Ian, and probably just wanted him for herself) threatened Spencer that if she didn’t tell her sister that she (Spencer) and Ian had kissed, Ali would spill the beans for her.  This prompted Spencer to tell Ali that she was done being friends with her.  And eventually, if she had her way,  the other PLL’s would ditch her ass too.  “You are dead to me already,” concludes Spencer

This outburst prompts the normally unflappable Ali to storm out of the house, and Spencer to sneakily follow after her.  (See, some things NEVER change!)

In Real Time, the rest of the PLL’s confort Spencer, as she tells them about the fight, and admits that SHE was the second shadow in the photograph of Ali sent to them by “A.”  The girl’s are very supportive of Spencer, and tell her, that she has nothing to feel guilty about.  The love fest is interrupted, however, when the girls spy Hot-But-Now-Seeming-Kind-of-Creepy-Again Jason leering at them from a nearby window.

“Damn him!  Why is he STILL wearing his shirt!”

And that’s all I’ve got, My Pretties!  SO, now it’s your turn!  Feel free to sound off in the comment section, and tell me what you thought of tonight’s PLL installment.  I’ll even leave you with some questions to get those wheels turning: 

Do you think “Blind” Jenna is behind those ugly bracelets? 

Did Aria’s mom see Aria and Fitzy getting up close in personal in front of the museum?  Or is all of this just about Aria’s SUPER BORING Dad? 

Are you Team Lucas or Team Caleb?  (Notice I’m completely leaving out Team Sean.  Because that’s not even an option as far as I’m concerned?)

What the heck is up with Jason’s new bod?

And, finally, do you understand “The Bieb” as well as Hanna does?

See ya, next time . . .

[www.juliekushner.com]

A Dance With the Devil – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Careful What U Wish 4”

Welcome back, My Pretties!  This week, on Pretty Little Liars, each of our four favorite Rosewood High Students were forced to face down their own personal demons.  For Aria, that demon was the green-eyed monster, we all know her better as .  . . jealousy.

For Emily, the demon was a fear of abandonment.  Coincidentally, she found it at the bottom of a liquor flask.

Hanna had to cope with the guilt she felt over leading on someone who had romantic feelings for her.  But are you REALLY leading someone on, if you have romantic feelings for them, in return?

. . . and Spencer, well, her demon had a face (EVIL) . . . and a name (PSYCHO IAN) . . . and had just married her sister (DISTURBING).

Oh, and can SOMEONE tell me who the HECK this guy is?  Please!

So, now that you’ve met all the demons, what do you say we start “hunting them down?”  Shall we?

Aria Battles a Green-Eyed Monster Named Simone (with a Teddy Bear between her legs)

When Aria first learns that her childhood babysitter, Simone, is back in town from NYC, she is thrilled!  And the fact that Simone is a “published author” (something Aria has always strived to become), who has enough money to sponsor all four of the PLL girls for an upcoming dance-athon makes Aria even more excited to pick her brain.  (Clearly, none of the writers of Pretty Little Liars know anything about what “publishing short stories” actually pays, i.e. usually NOTHING.)  But when Simone starts making a play for Ezra Fitz, by meeting him for “coffee” . . .

“Lay a hand on my babysitter, and I will pour these lattes down your pants, Fitzy!”

 . . . following him to LAME school dances . . .

. . . offering to pass his VERY badly written “romantic” poetry on to publishers . . .

. . . and regaling him with embarrassing tale’s of Aria’s childhood, including one about a certain teddy bear that she used to keep between her legs . . .

Honestly, can you blame her?

 . . . Aria has just about had it with her “childhood friend” and so-called “role model.” 

When Aria confronts her mother about it being high time for Babysitter’s Club Reject Simone to skedaddle, the brilliant (and by “brilliant,” I mean “idiotic”) woman who raised her actually assumes that her daughter is jealous of FITZY for monopolizing SIMONE’S time!  “Good men are hard to find,” Aria’s mom suggests, in her defense of Simone’s aggressive man-stealing tactics.  “When you get a little older, you will understand.”  (Ummm .  . . how old exactly does this woman think her daughter is?  EIGHT?)

Then again, how much intellectual prowess can you expect from a woman who willingly chose to procreate with THIS LOSER . . .

Is he cute?  Absolutely!  Is he a catch?  Not so much . . .

Having received NO HELP AT ALL from her own mother, at one point during the school dance marathon, Aria becomes so enraged with jealousy, that she looks about ready to go all Jerry Springer Show on Simone’s ass!

“That biatch STOLE MY MAN!  I’m going to rip every single hair OUT OF HER HEAD .  . . with MY TEETH!”

Fortunately, Spencer is able to stop Aria, before she does something rash.  (Well, actually, it’s unfortunate, because an Aria Versus Babysitter Girl Fight for Fitzy’s affections would have been an absolute JOY to watch!)

“Heck yeah, it would!”

After the dance, a tearful Aria confronts Fitzy in the parking lot, wondering out loud whether Fitz might prefer dating Simone, someone REALLY ANNOYING!  his own age, who he could date in public, without any fear of consequences.

But, worry not, Ezria fans!  Because Fitzy quickly sets his girlifriend straight, by explaining to her, in no uncertain terms, that his heart belongs to Aria, and ONLY Aria.  (Awwww!)  They couldn’t make out in the parking lot, however . . . because someone might see them . . .

Emily Gets Swindled, Gets New Ringtones, and Gets TOTALLY Wasted!

Poor Emily!  Just when she finally gets up the courage to come out to her parents, and give her heart to another person, the woman of her dreams gets shipped off to a Creepy Religious Camp to be “scared straight.”  When the episode begins, Emily is just DYING to call Maya on her cell phone.  Unfortunately, once Maya got to Creepy Religious Camp, the Cult Leaders Counselors there blocked all of Emily’s calls!

But, worry not, Emily!  Random Rebel Phone Expert is here to rescue YOU . . .

 . . . provided you pay him a boatload of cash, of course.  (I repeat, where the HECK did this guy COME FROM?)

After nearly bilking Poor Lovesick Emily out of her life savings, Random Rebel Phone Expert does manage to somehow fix Emily’s phone so that she can successfully call Maya at Creepy Religious Camp.  (YAY!)

But when Emily finally DOES talk to Maya, her new Gal Friday seems WAY too perky for someone who was just shipped away to Creepy Religious Camp for carrying weed in an Altoids box . . .

MAYA (on phone):  “This one time . . . at Creepy Religious Camp . . . I stuck a flute up my . . .”

Instantly convinced that Maya either no longer loves her, or was lobotomized upon arrival at Creepy Religious Camp by her Cult Leaders Counselors, a very distraught Emily, goes through Hanna’s coat, and pulls out a large flask of liquor, the contents of which she promptly pours down her throat.  Within literally SECONDS, Emily is COMPLETED WASTED.  (Gotta love ABC Family and their exposition of the “Consequences of Underage Drinking!”  Next week, I bet Emily’s going to be a RAGING ALCOHOLIC!)

Drunk Emily, of course, decides that this is the PERFECT opportunity to tell all the PLL girls EXACTLY what she thinks of them.  She also pretty much publicly accuses Psycho Ian of killing Ali.  (Nice going, Em!)  Fortunately, Spencer and Hanna take her home, before she can do TOO much damage.  They even successfully prevent her from drunk dialing Maya.  (NOW, that’s friendship!)

Someone is going to have a PRETTY bad hangover, tomorrow morning!

Hanna Becomes A’s Prostitute

While Aria and Emily fret over matters of the heart, Hanna seems more concerned with Matters of the Wallet.  Specifically, Hanna’s Deadbeat Mom is broke AGAIN, because “A” STOLE her Stolen Cash Stash.  If you recall, for the past few weeks, “A” has been using the stolen money to make Hanna her unwitting slave, inflicting psychological torture on the poor girl, so that she can “earn”  the money back.  (Seriously, “A” DEFINITELY hates Hanna the most!  This is the THIRD week in a row, that she got the brunt of “A’s” torture, while the other girls got off virtually scot free!)

Hanna tries to wriggle out from “A’s” clutches, by getting a respectable job.  Unfortunately, however, her mom is such a deadbeat credit risk, that NO ONE WILL HIRE HER DAUGHTER!  And so, my favorite PLL is stuck doing “A’s” bidding AGAIN.  This week, her “bidding” involves ditching her Boring Ass Boyfriend Sean . . .

 . . . and dancing with Lucas, instead, in exchange for MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF CASH!  (I’m liking “A” more and more, every minute! 🙂 )

Though initially reluctant to dance with the girl who unwittingly stomped on his heart . . .

 . . . Lucas eventually complies, and the two spend most of the night in one another’s arms . . .

When it comes time for the Last Dance, Hanna dutifully returns to her Boring Ass Boyfriend.  But then she receives one final text from “A,” who makes her an offer she can’t refuse . . . $1,000 for one more dance with Lucas.

When Sean learns that Hanna will be ditching him for Lucas once again, he dumps her.  (YAY .  . . oops . . . I mean, POOR HANNA!)

Having witnessed the entire exchange, Lucas sweetly comforts a crying Hanna, during the last dance.  But a small glint in his eyes, suggests he might not be all that dissatisfied with how the evening turned out . . .

After the dance, Lucas sympathetically offers to drive Hanna home, but she declines, telling him that she needs to care for Drunk Emily.  Lucas understandably looks disappointed, but, being a good sport for a change, he gently embraces Hanna, before stalking off.  Once she is alone, Hanna finds a scarf in her pocket containing all of the money she “earned” inside. 

Now, I’m not sure WHY Hanna doesn’t IMMEDIATELY suspect Lucas of being “A.”  However, I’m sure many of us watching at home mentally moved him up a notch on our suspect list right at this moment.  After all, shortly after Lucas went back inside, SOMEONE retrieved “A’s” signature black jacket, and thick gloves from the coat check at the dance, and promptly departed the school dance.

It’s important to note that many of the other characters heretofore seen as suspects (Creepy Toby, Blind Jenna, Bushy Eyebrows Noel, and Maya) were nowhere to be found, during this episode.  Additionally, those who suspected Fitz of being “A” undoubtedly noted that HE had already left the party with Aria, by the time “A” arrived at the coat check.  In fact, the only other MAIN suspect unaccounted for at the time of the infamous “Coat and Glove Pickup” was Psycho Ian . . .

Snoopy Spencer Strikes Again . . .

There’s Spencer’s Signature Goofy Sleuthing Face again . . .

If you recall, when we last left our PLL Girls, they were at Spencer’s house, watching Dead Ali Snuff porn on Spencer’s laptop.  (By the way, kudos to the WISE Hanna for being the ONLY Pretty Little Liar to note that Ali’s “groans of pain” may have actually been “groans of pleasure,” if you catch my drift. ;))  After a bit of hemming and hawing, the girls ultimately decide that they should turn the incriminating video in to the police, the following day, during lunchtime.  As they are discussing this, who should enter, but Psycho Ian himself (of course)!

Woah . . . it’s a picture of Ian on my laptop, next to a picture of Ian on another laptop.  How very META!

Though Ian ACTS as though he has NO CLUE what the girls were up to when he first entered the room, it should come as no surprise to ANYONE watching the show, that Spencer’s laptop is “mysteriously” stolen from her gym locker at school, just moments before the girls planned to take it to the police . . .

It’s important to note here, of course, that the ONLY time Spencer had the elusive laptop out of her sight, was when it was in her GYM locker, the combination to which, aside from Spencer, only the school coaches know.  (IAN’S a Coach!  See where they are going with this?) 

At the dance, Snoopy Spencer notes the number on Ian’s coat check, surreptitiously takes it, and, with the help of Aria, manages to steal the keys to Ian’s desk drawer from his jacket pocket.  But when Spencer tries to break into the locked drawer, who should be conveniently lurking nearby, but THIS GUY!

OMG!  It’s Random Rebel Phone Expert!  Suddenly, HE’S EVERYWHERE!  (I hope that’s not because he’s “A.”  Because that would be totally out of the blue . . . not to mention REALLY lame.)  A now desperate Spencer offers to pay off Random Rebel Phone Expert to keep quiet about what he saw, but the dude who TOTALLY extorted the heck out of Emily for her “phone upgrade,” suddenly, doesn’t want a penny from Spencer.  Weird .  . .

It’s no matter though, because Spencer can’t get into the locked drawer, anyway.  So, she reluctantly returns to the dance.  Then, after Drunk Emily confronts Ian on the dance floor, slurring that she “knows what he did,” Ian forcefully grabs Spencer into a slow dance.  Once he has his arms around her neck, Psycho Ian demands to know exactly to what incident Drunk Emily is referring.  Thinking fast, Spencer claims Drunk Emily is merely referring to the time Pedo Ian made out with her then 14-year old ass (as opposed to that OTHER time, when he boinked, and possibly killed a then 15-year old Ali).  Ian threatens Spencer to keep their Grotesque Makeout Session a secret from now on.  Spencer nervously agrees to do so, undoubtedly wondering the whole time, whether Ian actually believed her little fib.

And yet, when Spencer arrives home from the dance, she finds her laptop has mysteriously returned . . .

Not surprisingly, the Ian- incriminating Dead Ali Snuff Porn video is no longer anywhere to be found in the computer’s memory.  However, “A” has conveniently left the girls a digital photograph in it’s place.  The photo is of Ali sneaking out of the farmhouse, where the girls had their sleepover, on the night she died.  The words “watch your back.  I didn’t,” are typed in yellow across the bottom photograph.  SPPPOOOOOOKKKY! 

And that was “Careful What U Wish 4” in a nutshell.  So, now I turn the discussion over to you, my Pretties?  Who do you think is “A”?  Who killed Ali?  And were you as happy to see Boring Ass Sean go bye-bye, as I was? 😉

[www.juliekushner.com]

Got a Secret. Can You Keep It? – Pretty Little Liars Returns January 3rd

ARIA:  OMG, Guys!  I just got a text message from “A!”

EMILY:  Me too!  What does yours say?

ARIA:  That Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens BROKE UP!

HANNA:  NO WAY!

ARIA:  WAY!

SPENCER:  That’s soooo not true!  I just saw them out together like last week.  That “A!”  She is SUCH a Pretty Little Liar!

Deny it if you’d like.  But I’m willing to bet that SOME of you (and you know who you are) became obsessed, this past summer, with a guilty little pleasure of a teen drama called Pretty Little Liars.  Whether you admit to watching it or not, Pretty Little Liars ended up being quite the little ratings darling, during those hot summer months.  As a result of its unexpected success, ABC Family decided to add the show to its dance card, again this year. 

After a jaw-dropping, sometimes laughable, but almost ALWAYS entertaining, first half of the season, Pretty Little Liars is slated to begin airing ALL NEW episodes starting January 3rd, at 8 p.m.

Wren and Spencer are clearly thrilled by this awesome news . . .

It seems like AGES, since we last checked in on “A’s” Pretty Little Victims, doesn’t it?  With so many characters, storylines, and plot twists, you might find yourself a bit confused as to where we left off . . .

But fear not, my Pretties!  What follows is a PLL primer, which will hopefully help you get up to speed on Pretty Little Liars (i.e. where it’s been, and where it’s going), just in time for the midseason premiere . . .

(By the way, just in case you were curious, the GIFS included this post were brought to you by the F-Yeah Pretty Little Liars Tumblr)

The Books

The Pretty Little Liars television series was inspired by a young adult book series of the same name, which was written by author, Sara Shephard.  The original series consisted of eight books.  Each book focused primarily on one of the four main characters in the series: Aria, Hanna, Spencer, or Emily.  The events that took place during the television series’ pilot episode, more or less directly corresponded with those from the first book in the series.

Recently, Sara Shephard has announced that, based on the success of the first eight books, as well as the television series inspired by them, she plans to add four additional books to the Pretty Little Liars series.  The first of those four books, Twisted, is set to hit bookstores in July of 2011.

The Mystery

You see that girl in the Missing Persons Poster pictured above?  Her name is Alison.  (Ali for short.)  And she’s dead.  At least .  . . we think she’s dead.  Actually, what exactly happened to Ali is one of the main mysteries of both the books and the television series.

About a year before the events of the television series take place, Ali, Spencer, Hanna, Aria, and Emily were having a slumber party in a barn on Spencer’s property, when Ali suddenly disappeared in the middle of the night.  She wasn’t seen or heard from for a year after that. 

Then, a year to the date of her disappearance, Ali’s decaying, smelly, and very stinky body was discovered near that barn.  Now, suddenly, all the girls who attended that slumber party are receiving strange and threatening messages from someone named “A,” who seems to know secrets about them that only the supposedly six-feet-under Alison would know.

What really happened to Alison that night?  And who is “A?”  These are the two main mysteries of the series.

As for the first mystery, well . . . there are a lot of folks out there who’d want to off Alison.  If you watch some of the flashbacks from the series, you will become one of them.  Girlfriend was a b*tch with a capital “B!”  Aside from being pretty, popular, and kind of a ho, Ali really had no redeeming qualities, whatsoever.  In fact, sometimes, figuring out what the heck the girls were thinking, when they decided to befriend Alison is the unofficial third mystery of the series . . .

Everyone seemed to have a motive to kill Alison — from the outcasts she taunted, to the girls whose boyfriends she stole, to the girl she inadvertently made blind, to the boy whose life she ruined, and to the many boys (and girls) whose hearts she broke.  Later in the series, we learn that, among the last people to see Ali alive on the night of her disappearance, was her much older boyfriend, Ian, who she dated in secret . . .

 and her neighbor, Creepy Toby, who was basically sent away to juvie, because of her . . .

The Pretty Little Liars Themselves

(1) Aria

When we first meet Aria, she is the rebel of the group.  We know this because she wears black, and has a purple stripe in her hair.  But her father’s adulterous affair, a year spent in Iceland, and Ali’s death, scare all goth tendencies (including the aforementioned purple stripe) right out of Aria.  She is a more or less well-behaved “sensitive writer type,” by the time we meet her.  Aria’s knowledge of her father’s affair, was a secret that only Ali knew about. 

Aria’s Dirty Daddy

And yet, during the season, “A” dropped that bomb on Aria’s mother, by sending her an anonymous letter about it. 

Aria’s Messed Up Mommy

This letter caused Aria’s mom to become briefly estranged from Aria, and move out of the family household.

“A” also seems to know about the illicit affair Aria has begun carrying on with her English teacher, Ezra Fitz, who Aria met at a bar, and classily screwed in a unisex bathroom, just days before the school year began . . .

Aria and Ezra broke up briefly, when Ezra found a text message from “A” about their relationship, on Aria’s phone, leading him wrongly to believe that his underage girlfriend was “talking out of school.”  Ezra also left town for a period of time, without telling Aria, in search of another teaching job. 

During the couple’s breakup, Aria briefly tried to date Bushy Eyebrows Noel, but that relationship quickly fizzled, when Noel realized that Aria wasn’t yet over her “old boyfriend.”  (And when I say OLD, I mean it in more ways than one . . .)

In the mid-season finale, Aria and Ezra had reunited, and were getting freaky in Ezra’s car, when another car hit her friend Hanna, who had just made a major break in the “who killed Ali” case.  Whoever tried to kill Hanna, also seemed to know about Aria’s and Ezra’s affair, and told the couple so, in no uncertain terms . . .

Apparently, “A” has learned her communication kills from the I Know What You Did Last Summer School of Window and Mirror writing . . .

(2) Hanna

Before the series began, Hanna was an outcast, and, apparently, a major porker.  We know this because, even though she looks JUST AS PRETTY AND THIN in flashbacks, as she does during the actual series, in flashbacks, she wears baggy t-shirts and ponytails, and has bad posture.  Oh  . . . she’s also EATING SOMETHING, in every single flashback scene.

But Ali’s disappearance apparently left an opening in the Popularity Pool.  So, after Evil Ali was out of the way, Hanna “lost a lot of weight” and became the school’s new Queen Bee, along with fellow former outcast, the UBER ANNOYING Mona.

 

Hobbies of Hanna’s include shoplifting and bulimia.  But lest you think she’s just another biatch, Hanna quickly becomes one of the kindest and most relatable characters in the series.  This can be attributed to four humbling things that happen to Hanna, during the course of the series:  (1) her mother’s unfortunate and sudden loss of wealth;

(2) her father’s sudden remarriage;

(3) the termination of her relationship with that Snoozy Bible Thumper Sean;

and (4) her budding friendship with sweetheart outcast, Lucas.

When we last saw Hanna in the mid-season finale, she was hit by a car (A’s car?) and knocked unconscious.  The hit and run occured just moments before Hanna was about to share a “shocking” announcement with her friends, about A’s true identity, and/or who might have killed Alison.

(3) Spencer

Spencer is your typical Type A personality / overachiever.  She wears lots of argyle and sweater vests.  Her family is very wealthy, and her dad is kind of a dick.  Spencer also has a penchant for stealing her older sister’s boyfriends.  The first she made out with was Ian, who, we learn, by the end of the series, was also dating Ali at the time.   Then she starts smooching with her sister’s adorable fiance, Wren . . .

Spencer’s sister catches the pair hooking up in Spencer’s bedroom, and eventually calls off the engagement.  Wren continues to court Spencer for awhile, but then inexplicably disappears . . .

 . . .  and is replaced by new not nearly as exciting boyfriend Poor Alex, who she ironically meets at her family’s country club.  (He’s a BALL BOY, naturally . . .)

Spencer and Alex break up briefly, after Spencer’s sister tries to make Alex think Spencer is embarrassed to be seen with him, because he’s so darn POOR.  But they, eventually the couple makes up.  Spencer later learns that Alex once comforted Spencer’s mother, during a breast cancer scare.  This information touches Spencer deeply, and makes us feel a bit better about Wren’s untimely disappearance but not much. 

 Throughout the first half of the season, “A” taunts Spencer about what a man-stealing HO she is .  . .  Spencer was also the last of the PLL girls to see Ali alive.  The two supposedly had a BIG FIGHT on the night Ali disappeared.

(4) Emily

Emily is quiet tomboy, who used to date Wife Beater Ben, until he tried to rape her in the gym locker room. 

But Emily actually likes girls, more than boys.  She made out with Ali once, and professed her love to the Queen Bee in a letter, only to be viciously spurned by her.  During the series, Emily begins a tentative lesbian relationship with a girl named Maya, who moves into Ali’s old house . . .

Maya looks to be about 40-years old . . . but is supposedly only 16 . . .

“A” seems aware of Emily’s relationship with Maya, and taunts her with it, by posting pictures of the couple in Emily’s locker.  This causes Emily to break up with Maya, and briefly begin a friendship with Creepy Toby, who she takes to the Homecoming Dance as a date. 

 But Creepy Toby creeps her out too much, so she runs away from him at the dance, and eventually ends up in the hospital, as a result.  Toby escaped authorities after dropping Emily off at the hospital.  He then stupidly called Emily (who he PUT in the hospital) for help during the mid-season finale.  Emily initially acted as though she wanted to help Toby.  However, instead of meeting him when she was supposed to, she sent the cops instead . . .

 

 

The Frenemies 

(1)  Creepy Toby and Blind Jenna

 

Creepy Toby and Blind Jenna (who wasn’t always blind, by the way) were Spencer’s neighbors.  They are step-siblings.  One night Creepy Toby was supposedly spying on the Pretty Little Liar girls.  This infuriated Ali, and made her desperate for revenge.  So, she made firecrackers, and decided to set them off near Creepy Toby’s garage.  But when Spencer peeked into the garage, she saw Creepy Toby and Blind Jenna DOING IT . . .

So, Ali (understandably) freaked out and dropped the firecrackers.  The sparklers went off in the garage, and caused Jenna to become blind.  Jenna now carries around a VERY LOUD cane of destruction, and always makes weirdly suggestive remarks to the girls, for no apparent reason at all.  She also oddly still uses a mirror to put on lipstick, even though SHE CAN’T SEE!

The girls briefly suspected Jenna as being “A,” when they caught her sending strange text messages through her laptop voice recognition program.  Later, the girls found a threatening message written on Spencer’s mirror in Jenna’s ugly shade of lipstick . . .

But of the two people I listed, Toby seemed to the girls a more likely candidate  to be Ali’s killer.  After all, it was TOBY who took the rap for causing Jenna’s blindness.  He did so, after Ali threatened him with revealing the knowledge of his sister-f*cking affair, if he didn’t absolve her of all wrongdoing.  Toby was sent away to juvie, as a result.  As mentioned earlier, Toby was also one of the last people seen with Ali, before she disappeared.

(2) Deputy Douchey

Deputy Douchey is a busy guy.  When he’s not catching shoplifters . . .

  . . . or screwing Hanna’s mom . . .

 or looking hot in a towel . . .

 . . . he’s trying to solve Ali’s murder.  But, basically, he just runs around stupidly accusing the Pretty Little Liars of killing Ali, and making Hanna’s life miserable.  Basically, aside from being kind of hot, Deputy Douchey sucks at life . . .

(3) Mona

 

You know who else sucks at life?  Mona.  We’re still not quite sure why Hanna hangs out with her, as she is really quite annoying.  Mona basically exists to make mean comments to everyone on the show, and repeatedly remind Hanna that her “popularity” is important.  I include her in this synopsis for two reasons only: (1) the events of the mid-season finale took place at HER ery lame birthday party; and (2) she was a MAJOR character in the book series, in more ways than one . . . 😉

(4) Jason

Jason is Dead Ali’s older brother.  He used to be a Goth, but now he’s just an A**hole.  Jason flew onto town on his broomstick toward the end of the summer season, and has been getting in the girls’ way, ever since.  Not only did he completely take over Ali’s memorial ceremony, after the girls worked so hard to put it together,  he, like Deputy Douchey, seems to think the girls had something to do with Ali’s death . . .

The Newbies

When Pretty Little Liars returns on January 3rd, at least three new faces will join the regular cast.  Lindsay Shaw, of 10 Things I Hate About You and Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide will play Paige a fellow athlete, and rival to Emily on the school swimteam . . .

Alona Tal of Veronica Mars and Cane will play Simone, Aria’s old babysitter, and a competitor for Mr. Fitz’s heart . . .

Tyler Blackburn will play Resident Bad Boy, Caleb, who will likely serve as a new love interest for one of the Pretty Little Liars . . .

Promos and Clips

Recently, ABC Family has released some new video footage from the show, to promote the upcoming mid-season premiere.  You can check out the new promo, and two clips from an upcoming episode, entitled “Moments Later,”  below.  ( Special thanks, Team Ezra Fitz, for showing me these!)

Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to end this post with a few of my favorite Cheesy Stalker Messages from “A” . . .

See you on January 3rd, my Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com]