Tag Archives: Lexi

Death Takes a Holiday – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Walking Dead.”

greetings dead

Source

Impending Apocalypse notwithstanding, our Mystic Falls Scooby Gang seemed to be having a pretty good day, in this week’s “The Walking Dead.”  Old friends were reunited . . .

not every ghost

ones like me

idiot best friend

Source

Old scores were settled . . .

kill big

Source

And lots of liquor was imbibed . . .

drink fancies

Source

Not for Bonnie, though.  Her day kind of sucked.  Apparently, all dark magic expression and no play, make Bonnie one dead witch . . .

omg dead

Source

And let’s not forget Silas.  In the course of a single hour, the guy  went from being Caroline to Stefan to Alaric to a statue of Alaric, stolen from Madame Tussaud’s museum of frozen celebrities . . .

wax head

Source

He kind of looks like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle . . .

Raphael in the 1990 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film. Michael Bay's Ninja Turtles is due in 2013

Let’s review, shall we?

stefan salvatore fist pump best

The Homicidal Maniac Workout Plan

3 6 warrior elena

Personally, I’ve always really admired Elena Gilbert’s dedication to fitness . . .

3 6 spotting ipromiseyou-delena

I mean, here is a girl, who, as a human, took down a supernaturally strong, ridiculously buff, vampire hunter, just because she was REALLY PISSED OFF.

connor jordan

killer headline

This is one scrappy special snowflake!  Throughout the course of the series, quite a few episodes have been dedicated to Elena’s take-no-prisoners workout regimen.  I smell an exercise video in the works!

3 8 hungover delena fight 1

This week, Elena begins the episode in workout mode once again.  She’s breaking cement blocks with her feet, and doing chin-ups on the ceiling.

chin up

Source

Stefan hopes all this exercise will make Elena forget she wants to murder Katherine . . .

focus on hate

Yeah . . . not so much . . .

stefan shrug

Caroline is on Distract Elena Duty too.  But instead of fitness, she opts to involve Elena the Orphan in Graduation Invitation Stamping?

stamp licking

Source

Damon eye roll

Great idea, Caroline.  Reminding Elena that her family members are dead, and can’t attend her graduation, when some of those family members are dead because of Katherine, is DEFINITELY going to keep Elena from wanting to kill Katherine.

sarcasm sign

The Scooby Gang really should have considered putting Damon on distract Elena duty . . .

sexy delena 2

delena sex big

Just saying . . .

Meanwhile over in the Forest Where Bad Things Always Happen . . .

Stuck on You

12 witches

13 point

Source

Foreshadow much?

Bonnie and Katherine each have something one another want.  Katherine has a big ugly rock from Silas’ grave.  Bonnie has the power to make Katherine invincible.  (Sounds like a fair trade to me!)

Not trusting that Katherine will give up her precious Big Ugly Rock, on her own volition, Bonnie does a spell that physically links Katherine and Bonnie together.  This means neither can go more than 25 feet from the other, without being shocked, like a dog running up against one of those electric fences.  It’s kind of like a Restraining Order in Reverse.

frustrated kat

Now, personally, if I was Katherine, I would have used this to my advantage . . . and told Bonnie I hid the big ugly rock at a five-star hotel in Aruba.

katherine ing

This way, at least I’d get a good vacation out of the deal . . . even if it meant having to share a hotel bed with someone who probably mutters in Latin, and suffers from bloody noses, in her sleep .  . .

2 22 bloody nose bonnie

“Can you ask room service to bring up some extra tissues?”

Instead, Katherine just gives up the Big Ugly Rock.  Lame!  You’re going soft on us, Kitty Kat . . .

ponder kat

Silly Rabbit, Blood Bags are for Vampires . . .

When I was a kid, I always assumed that the real reason you left cookies and milk for the fat guy in the red suit, on Christmas Eve, was so that, after he broke into your home through your chimney, he’d be full and happy enough not to make off with your valuables and eat the family pet.  Pretty morbid huh?

santa klaus

For the same reason, I always thought that taking the blood bags out of Mystic Falls Hospital was a terrible idea.    You’re not protecting the hospital from hungry vampires, you’re just taking away their cookies.  And when Silas doesn’t have his cookies (particularly when he needs them to Bring About the Apocalypse in 24 hours), he’s just going to change his face into the pretty nurse from the reception desk, and eat all your patients.

BabyScared

Now, you’ve got this whole stockpile of blood bags, and no one to use it on, except the population of vampires you were hiding it from in the first place.

draco malfoy facepalm

Let that be a lesson to you about leaving Santa his cookies, Lizard Forbes . . .

You Can’t Get Blood from a Stone . . . or Can You?

It’s getting mighty windy at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . .

rain 1

rain 2

Source

This couldn’t have something to do with the whole Drop the Veil / Apocalypse thingy, would it?

shakes head

Nahhhhhh!

Elena may have her humanity back, but she’s still being a heinous b*tch.  She tells Rebekah that she’s not her friend.  And she refuses to apologize to Caroline for calling her repulsive last week.  At least Humanity Free Elena liked to party . . .

dancing elena

Homicidal Elena just plays darts, and pretends the board is Katherine’s face . . .

3 4 happy to know kat

Someone get this girl a Midol please, because this Vampire Period has gone on way too long . . .

tampon-med1

When the power goes out in Mystic Falls, starting from the three points where all those people died, the Scooby Gang figures out that Bonnie is triggering the “Expression Triangle” and dropping the veil, BEFORE the Full Moon.  They race to the center of the triangle to find her, which, of course happens to be right in that magical place they never go . . . SCHOOL.

high school 1

Elena can give two craps about Bonnie and her Apocalypse Schmocalypse.

sad bored hobby

She just wants to kill Katherine.  But then she finds out Bonnie is WITH Katherine.  And she’s ready to go in, all guns blazing.

3 6 warrior elena

Warrior Princess Mode Activated . . .

She even provides the Gang with a key piece of information, which helps them to get underground where the spell is occurring.  Who knew Elena had such an intimate knowledge of the school’s underground passageways?  It looks like someone’s been spending science class making out in the boiler room . . . You go, Elena!

happy elena

Underground, Bonnie’s hugging a rock and making it bleed.

bloody rock

Personally, I prefer my magic tricks to be of the Cute Fluffy Rabbit Pulled Out of a Hat variety.  But that’s just me.  Anywhoo, I guess the veil is down now.  At least around Mystic Falls . . .

Back upstairs, Damon tells Elena that she isn’t allowed to play in the Stop Bonnie / Potentially Kill Katherine games.

end of world crap

Source

So, she stakes his ass.

damon pull stake lylyord tumblr

This is becoming a highly abusive relationship . . .

Fortunately, Damon gets a helping hand from a surprising source . . .

They’re BAAAAAAACCKKKK!

locker 42

Source

Whether you are Team Delena, Team Stelena, or Team Klaroline chances are you are still on Team Badass . . .

team bad ass

This bromance knows no bounds.  And the fact that Matt Davis’s “other” show has recently been canceled, means that this relationship just might live to see another season . . .

ian says awesome

How sweet of Alaric to keep a watch over his errant vampire buddy from the Great Beyond!

not every ghostones like me

idiot best friend

Source

Alaric helpfully explains that, at this point, the “Veil” to the “Other Side” is only down around Mystic Falls.  This means that while, theoretically speaking, every supernatural dead creature CAN cross over to the Land of the Living, only those still on contract with the CW actually do it . . .

kind of dead

Sorry Megan Fox.  That doesn’t include you.

And while Damon is thrilled to see his long lost buddy, he can’t help but be a wee bit skeptical.  After all, Silas has been wandering around impersonating literally everybody by Damon’s mother.  So, why wouldn’t he impersonate Alaric too?

single tear alaric

Alaric is a bit hurt that Damon would accuse him of being Silas.  But he’s more than ready to prove he’s the Real Deal.  Would Silas know about the duo’s Secret Alcoholic’s liquor stash at the high school?

locker 42 2

“It’s really YOUUUUU!”

Actually, I hate to break it to you Damon.  But . . . yeah . . . Silas would totally know about Locker 42.  That’s what he does!  He gets into people’s heads, and uses their inner most thoughts against them.

damon soulful crying

So, while I’m totally with Damon in wanting Alaric to be real.  There are some things that happened later in the episode, which made me question the veracity of this reunion.  Let’s just leave it at that.

Meanwhile, over at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Matt and Rebekah are trying to have a Romantic Candlelight Apocalypse Dinner, when they get cockblocked into engaging in an Undead Family Reunion of their own . . .

hot kol 2

That Kol.  He really is one perpetually pissed off dude, isn’t he?  He makes Big Brother Santa Klaus look downright congenial . . .

klaus cheers

“Thanks for making me look good, Kol.”

Theoretically speaking, the untimely death of Jer Bear, should have rendered Kol free of that pesky “Unfinished Business” that seems to plague so many miserable ghosts these days.  But nooooo!  Kol has to get greedy and kill Elena.  He even makes a shiv out of a liquor bottle and stabs Matt just for sh*ts and giggles . . .

matt car breakdown

“Why is everybody always making me bleed?”

Rebekah quickly jumps to offer Matt some of her vampire blood.  But Matt politely declines.  “My position as the sole human character left on this show, makes me so much less likely to get killed off.  So, I’m going to stay away from the Big Bad Vampire Juice, if you don’t mind,” he explains.

Beks heads off in search of a first aid kit . . . a HUMAN one.

Doppelganger Hijinx Etcetera

Katherine asks for slack on her Bonnie leash to investigate a noise she hears in the basement.  Surprise!  It’s Elena.  So, are these two kicking the sh*t out of one another going to become like a weekly thing?

but kick

Meanwhile, Bonnie’s down the hall, screaming and moaning, because Elena is hurting her “feelings twin.”  That’s what you get for linking yourself to someone who everyone wants dead, Bon-Bon.  It’s the reason she wanted invincibility in the first, place, HELLO!

surrounded by idiots

Plus, since Bonnie already used that Big Ugly Rock to bring down the veil.  She doesn’t really need to be linked to Death Trap Kat, anymore, now does she?

not that i know guildens fern

While “Caroline” convinces Bonnie to break the link, Stefan heads off to intervene on yet another fight between his two ex girlfriends that has absolutely nothing to do with him . . .

stefan crying gif

“When did everybody stop loving me?”

Homicidal Maniac Elena is not the least bit amused with Stefan for ruining her murder games.  And the fact that he did it to prevent Elena from inadvertently killing Bonnie does little to diminish girlfriend’s rage.  “Dead Bonnie, meh,” Elena shrugs the idea off.  “Here, Stefan.  Have a date with my fist.”

beating up stefan

Now, Elena, if you keep beating up your boyfriends they won’t worship the ground you walk on, anymore!  (Who am I kidding?  It’s your show.  They will ALWAYS worship the ground you walk on . . .)

3 finale happy ponytail elena

Meanwhile, back at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Rebekah finds Caroline in a bit of a psychological pickle . . .

cutting

Source

But wait . . . isn’t Caroline with Bonnie?

3 12 confused damon

SILAS, YOU RAT BASTARD!  You’ve done it again!

So, while Beks is gently breaking Real Caroline out of her Silas-induced Mind-Mush . . .

keep cut 2

keep cut 3

Source

Bonnie is being taunted by FAKE CAROLINE / REAL SILAS.  Who dances around her in a circle, turning into a different face, every five seconds.  Silas helpfully explains to Bonnie that the ugly Uncle Fester / Voldemort mug was nothing more than just a ruse, to make Bonnie believe he couldn’t get into her head anymore.  You know what that means, don’t you Fangbangers?  Silas is hot.  Just like everybody else on this show.  SURPRISE!

3 12 klaus eyeroll

Just once I’d like for there to be a villain on this show whose truly hideously deformed.  It might make for a nice change of pace, you know?

my precious

I hear this guy is available . . .

Silas also throws in a piece of mythology we all might have forgotten about . . . The Hunters Curse.  Theoretically, Silas should have been suffering from it, after he drained Jer Bear of Blood.

dead jer 2And yet, it makes sense that the Beautiful Mind Guy, who gets into people’s brains and impersonates others, like it’s his job, would be able to easily defeat a curse that involves . . . someone getting into your brain and impersonating someone else .  . .

nodding oh yeah

So, much for that useless piece of mythology . . .  Silas hears Damon in the distance.  So, he decides to turn into Alaric, and make Bonnie believe she’s suffocating.  Like I said, it’s a bad day for Bon-Bon . . .

Meanwhile, over at the Special Snowflake Cemetery for dead Gilberts . . .

Welcome back, Jer Bear!

Unable to murder Katherine, Elena is stuck with dealing with those pesky emotions, she’s been trying to bury for a third of the season .  . .

cant feel

Source

Uhhh . . . Elena?  Not to be insensitive or anything, but haven’t you only been feeling like “this” for the past two minutes?  Before that you were all . . .

dont feel anything

Fortunately, for Elena, yet another distraction is conveniently heading her way . . .

hello my dumplings

Source

Yes, that’s the nice thing about impending death, it prevents you from being depressed about the deaths of others.  And Suicidal Elena seems more than ready to meet her Maker.  After all, most of her friends and family are already on the “Other Side.”  At least they were, until that whole “veil dropping thing” that happened about five minutes ago . . .

how many times

jer bear

Source

Hey, remember back last season, when Kol and Jer Bear were batting cage buddies?

kol bat

Those were the days, huh?  Now, Kol is in a murderous rage all the time, and Jer Bear is . . . well .  . . doing this . . .

shot kol

Source

Except, it actually ends up being Stefan, who breaks Kol’s neck just when he’s about to finish his oh-so-cliched villain line:  “Kill me once, shame on me.  Kill me twice. . .”

DAMMIT STEFAN!  I wanted to hear the end!

stefan shrug

Cue the Gilbert Family reunion . . .

elena stabs jer

No, not that one!  More like this one . . .

undead gilbert

Source

Back underground .  . .

Be Calm . . . Kill . . . SILAS?

Bonnie thinks she’s suffocating.

bonnie shane 2

But Grams pops by to tell her  . . .

crazy gram

“Just kidding!”

This episode actually contains within it a surprisingly inspirational message about mind over matter.  All these big strong supernatural characters are repeatedly being undermined by the limitations of their own brains.  In other words, ending the World’s Apocalypse really comes down to nothing more than good old fashioned “positive thinking.”

b positive

And positive thinking is exactly what Bonnie does, when she sees “Alaric” and makes believe he’s turning to stone.  And then, that’s precisely what he does . . .

wax head

“Kind of feeling a bit stiff here!”

Did I say Alaric?  I meant Silas . . .

clap for bonus

At least we are meant to assume that it’s Silas.  But I’m still skeptical . . . more on why in just a bit . . .

Happy Happy, Joy Joy?

get the girl youre undead to me

Source

I actually really hope this scene is real, because it was one of my favorites in the episode.  Alaric and Damon spend Alaric’s final moments, pre veil re-lift hoisting “Silas'” cemented body into a trunk, and getting toasted on cheap liquor.  “I thought you were cutting back,” Damon chides.

“I thought you were going to protect the children,” Alaric retorts.

Touche, Alaric!  And when Alaric gives Damon the cure he found in Silas’ pocket, and tells him to “get the girl.”  I’m cheering!  How sweet!  How fitting!  How perfect!  Especially when you consider how long it took protective pseudo dad Alaric/ Chunky Monkey to come around to the idea of a Delena Courtship .  . .

damon and alaric

But then I thought:  “How do you get something out of the pocket of a person who is encased in cement?”

thinking damon bitemesomerhalder

And then, I started to wonder if the thing encased in cement was really Silas, or just poor Alaric, who can’t seem to catch a break, even on his Dead Guy Holiday?

dalaric 2

And if Silas is skulking around Mystic Falls, maybe that thing he gave Damon wasn’t the cure at all, but something else entirely. OR . .  . maybe it is the cure.  And he’s planning to pretend to be Elena or Stefan, so that when Damon gives the cure to them, he can take it for himself.

soap dish smash

But that doesn’t matter, right?  Because in order for Silas to do what he plans to do, the veil needs to be COMPLETELY down, not just partially down like it is now .  . .

Cue Bonnie’s descent into magic fueled Dark Willow Madness . . .

dark willow

Down goes the veil.  And Bonnie goes tumbling right after it . . .

omg dead

Source

I wonder if ghosts still get nosebleeds . . .

In happier news, Damon wasn’t the only Salvatore who got to make nice with his Bestie, this week . . .

take a hint

Source

Good ole, Lexie!  Always telling it like it is, and clearly shipping Delena from the great beyond.

go team delena

Speaking of ships, it makes sense that Lexi would stamp her seal of approval on the Staroline relationship, be it platonic (like Stefan’s and Lexi’s, or otherwise) . . .

replaced other blonde

Source

Not only are they both blonde, perky, vampire barbie types . . .

3 3 caroline petrovadiaries

Both Lexi and Caroline seem to bring out a surprisingly light-hearted humorous side of Stefan, we don’t often get to see on the show.  In short, he actually SMILES when he’s with these two.  And even broody Stefan deserves a laugh every once in a while . . .

steroline 1

steroline 2

steroline 3

Source

Now, whether that spells a romantic future for these two in Season 5, remains to be seen.  It also depends largely on This Guy . . .

klaus moving on rebekahmkaelsn

And This Guy. . .

klausityler sex 2

Speaking of romances up for grabs, Beks and Matt get yet another romantic romance cockblocked.  This time the culprit is Rebekah’s ancient ex with the distractingly long Fabio hair . . .

05-fabio021006_big1

rebekah heart

“Why do I suddenly feel like I’m on the cover of a bad romance novel?”

And his sexy vampire hunter friends . . .

shirtless con

not shirtless vaughn

Oh these three probably had quite the Hot Gay Dance Party over on the other side . . . Kind of wish I was there to see it . . .

new girl think i understand hunting

But now, it’s all about the VENGEANCE!

focus on hate

Ruh-roh, Scooby Gang!  It looks like your graduation party just got a lot more crowded . . .

waves

Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever] [ my tumblr]

8 Comments

Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Apocalypse Eventually? – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Because the Night”

werewolf end world

Source

stefan shrug

Greetings, Fangbangers!  And welcome to the End of the World!

kind of dead

The Heroes have failed.  The Bad Guys have won.  And the Apocalypse is imminent.

2 16 sucks for you

Now, there’s nothing left to do, but wait until the Gates to the Other Side open, and Evil swallows us whole . . .

wait here

Still waiting .  . .

thinking damon bitemesomerhalder

Any minute now .  . .

dont feel anything

It’s coming .  . .really . . . I promise . . .

3 3 bored honour in

*whistles uncomfortably*

awkward 2

Did I say the Apocalypse was NOW?  I meant NEXT WEEK!

worst apocalypse ever

This week on The Vampire Diaries, Silas WINS . . .

fanboy 2

Elena gets a haircut. . .

pantene 1

Source

And an ill timed commercial break deprives us of Rooftop Sex . . .

smash 2

Let’s review, shall we?

[This weeks screencaps are brought to you by screencapped.net.]

Bloody Big Apple

1977

It’s 1977 in New York City.  Disco isn’t dead yet.  Bell bottoms are still cool.  And there’s a Dead Guy lying in the street.

dead damon

victims

Or is there?

swak

*slurp, slurp . . .*

That’s right, boys and girls.  Different decade.  Same old vampire tricks . . .

psycho killer

Source

And yet, with generous amounts of guyliner, and a couple clever pop culture references (Son of Giusseppe, anyone?), Damon Salvatore manages to make what could have been a tired scene seem somehow fresh . . . not to mention way funnier than a double homicide has any right to be.  Because, he’s just cool like that.

damon eternal stud

Also, kudos to the music department for getting the rights to Talking Heads “Psycho Killer.”  When it comes to matching a song to a scene, it really doesn’t get much more perfect than this . . .

Of course, my favorite TVD Musical Moment will ALWAYS remain Damon’s dance with Vicki in Season 1 to Depeche Mode’s “Enjoy the Silence.”

But this one came a close second.  What’s YOUR favorite TVD Musical Moment?

A Silas Hunting We Will Go

silas big fat problem

too soon

Source

defans jeremy hulk

When Stefan finds out Silas has been skulking around Mystic Falls, and draining the hospital blood supply, he immediately calls his ex-boyfriend Klaus for help.

klefan

This, of course, totally pisses off Stefan’s New Girl Friday, Caroline.

caroline carter

Did I say pisses her off, I mean secretly thrills her in a Sexual Way . . .

want him bad

Source

Such is the curse of the Good Girl, who longs for the Bad Boy, but hates herself for it . . .

no allure 1

no allure 2 no allure 3

Source

And when it comes to Bad Boys, Klaus pretty much takes the cake, in Caroline’s life.  After all, this IS the guy who killed her boyfriend’s mother and her best friend’s Useless Aunt, banished her boyfriend to the Great Beyond, and was responsible for almost poisoning Caroline, herself, to death with werewolf venom . . . twice.

calories

bite

But he draws her ponies, and triangles on a map.  And he buys her expensive things.  (DREAMY!)

3 11 klaroline gift from klaus 1 loveablesins

my little pony

ride the pony

Did I mention he has an accent?

That’s right, Klaroline fans.  Though, when it comes to snagging Caroline, up to this point, Klaus has had about as much game, as Charlie Brown on a football field .  . .

football

. . . he definitely made some headway into her heart, this week . .  .

klaus cheers

from the group geometry lesson .  . . to the Walk in the Woods . . .

skipp class

skip class 2

Source

. . . to the come hither stares the pair were giving one another throughout the episode .  . .

dry cleaning

Source

Something is definitely brewing here, Sports Fans.  And then Klaus did the one thing that is sure to send Caroline zooming right into his Dr. Evil Underoos . .  .

santa klaus

He REJECTED HER!

angry caroline

“As IF!”

But I’m getting ahead of myself, here.  For now, all you need to know is that our Blonde Vampire Trio has located Silas Bushyhead, by finding on a map, the two places where he is most likely to perform his next massacre . . .

The plot . . . it’s thickening . . .

A New York Sh*tty Flashback

This one time .  . . at Band Camp . . . I turned off my humanity, and started eating everyone in New York . . .

rawr damon

So begins, Damon’s Bedtime Story to Elena.

bed elena

And of course, every Bedtime Story has to have a Fairy Godmother . . .

lexi shortcake

Good ole, Lexie!  Talk about a Girl with Bad Boy Complex.  This reoccurring vampiress never met a Humanity Free Salvatore she didn’t want to fix.

lexie damon

But while “therapy” for Stefan involved tying him to a chair for months on end, and draining him dry, her methods of curing Damon were a bit more . . . unorthodox.

dlex

Source

Honestly, who could blame Damon for not wanting to restart that pesky humanity switch?  From the sexy neck shares, to the long nights spent drinking and dancing, this flashback read more like The Perks of Being a Vampire II: Electric Boogaloo than any sort of cautionary tale against bad vamp behavior!

suck face

And when Damon started fixing those Puppy Dog Eye Things in Lexie’s direction, and stroking her ego (among other lady parts), by claiming his love for her CURED HIM OF EVIL, I knew instantly he was full of crap.  (Even the most casual TVD fan knows that Damon Salvatore was a one-woman vamp for about 145 years, and that woman was sure as hell NOT LEXIE.)

the kat eating apple petrova gifs

But still, like the Most Gullible Vampire Ever, I found myself eagerly awaiting the start of some good, old fashioned humanity free Damon Sex .  . .

lexi damon

Source

And then those bastards cut to commercial!

soap dish smash

smash

Oh the humanity!

kids cry

Seriously, since when did the CW become PBS!  They skipped over the night, and went straight to MORNING?!  COME ON!  Even ABC Family gives us Naked Foreplay!

spoby sex

Anywhoo, I guess it isn’t supposed to matter, because the whole Seduction Thing was all just a scheme on Damon’s part to get Lexie locked up on the roof, without her sunscreen ring, so he could ditch her self-righteous ass.

thirsty damon 2

But still . . . a little skin would have been nice . . . just sayin’

the show

Feeding Family Style

Back in the present day, Damon’s gabbing on the phone with Stefan, who’s back in Mystic Falls, while Elena is busy getting the FASTEST Hair Color / Cut EVER.  (Maybe the hairdresser is a vampire too?)

phone 1

STEFAN: “Previously, on The Vampire Diaries . . .”

phone 2

DAMON: “Seriously, isn’t this supposed to be Elena’s job?  I don’t want to have to listen to this.  What, just because she has her humanity turned off, she gets a free pass on in-script recapping?  I’m contacting SAG!”

I like Elena’s new look . . . I do.  And in general, I enjoyed Nina Dobrev’s new take on humanity-free Elena this week.  She just seemed less robotic, and more mischievous . . . She seemed like she was actually having a good time being bad, for a change.

i dont care

Source

My one gripe?  This Elena seems a lot less like Humanity Free Elena, and more like . . . Regular Katherine, even down to the bigger hair, and more stylish clothes.  I have a feeling that this is going to make next week, when the two start sharing the screen again VERY CONFUSING.

3 12 confused damon

But I digress, it turns out that Damon has some ulterior motives for his little Humanity Vacation Road Trip.  You guys remember Will from last week?

its will dying

Well, apparently, he was well known in New York City vampire circles as a Fake ID maker . . . or rather, a Real ID taker, who gave dead people’s ID’s to vampires on the run . . . And I bet you will never guess who Will’s favorite client was . . .

Ding! Ding! Ding!  Katherine Petrova, that’s right!

the kat thank me brought cure

cure one more time

Source

So, Damon’s Master Plan is to hunt down Katherine, swipe The Cure from her fingertips, and shove it down Elena’s throat, along with her morning Blood Breakfast.  Sounds easy, right?

shakes head

The only problem is that Elena’s on to his little scheme, and has some plans of her own for The Cure .  . . plans that involve it being given to her Brand New Bestie, instead . . . Rebekah.

crushing beks moonlight-dream

Woah!  Who ever thought that these two sworn enemies would end up partying together, and drinking from the same neck . . . literally?

dead share

Source

Apparently, Damon’s little pep talk to Rebekah, last week, about humans being boring, failed to convince the Original She-Vamp that her future shouldn’t be paved with mortality, and a bevy of Klaus Barbie Babies . . .

BabyScared

Now, I know this makes me a total traitor, but I kind of like the idea of a Human Rebekah.  She wants it more than anyone else.  Why shouldn’t she get it?

3 18 beks nice life salvatore falls

And while I’m still quite positive that this storyline is going to end with the cure inadvertently being shoved down Damon’s throat, I have to admit that I’m with Team Elenbekah on this one . . .

give kat your best

Source

So, to review, Damon is playing Elena.  Elena is playing Damon.  And Rebekah is definitely NOT playing with This Guy . . .

this guy 1

this guy 2

Source

Now, that we know the Teams, we can start keeping score!

stefan salvatore fist pump best

Damon, thanks to Stefan’s uncanny ability to remember all his ex-girlfriend’s birthdays, finds a paper in Will’s apartment, listing all of Katherine’s known addresses.  (Score 1 for Damon).

ian says awesome

Then, Elena seductively brings him on the roof, for what Damon thinks will be some Lexie-inspired nookie, but is actually a game of Back-Pocket snatch and grab (Score 1 for Elena, Score -25 for Delena fans hoping for a little rooftop action from their favorite lovebirds).

rub ass

Source

But Damon catches on to Elena’s scheme, and pries the paper back from her greedy little hands.  (Score 2 for Damon, 1 for Elena).

3 8 dance

Then, Rebekah pops up, seemingly out of nowhere, and breaks Damon’s neck!!  (Score 69 for Rebekah, Score 2 for Elena, and Score -25 for the temporarily dead Damon).

got to be kidding

In the final round, Rebekah, and Elena head off in Damon’s car, with his precious address list, while Damon naps off his death on the rooftop of that seedy New York bar.

where are 1

where are 2

Source

(Score 169 for Rebekah and Elena, Score -125 for Snoozing Damon, and Score 1,025 for Lexie, who, somewhere up in Vampire Purgatory, just got the best Poetic Justice of her unnaturally long life . . .)

Talk about Vampire Girl Power!

bitch mode activated

Binge and Purge – Wiccan Style

just met

“Hey, I just met you.  And now you’re crazy . . .”

bonnie shane 2

call witch

“So I’ll call all my witch friends .  . .”

kill maybe

“And kill you, maybe?”

Meanwhile, back in Mystic Falls, Silas Bushyhead is still Svengali-ing Bonnie into murdering 12 people, who P.S., just so happen to have to be witches.

creepy dead

Source

Way to not support the Sisterhood of the Traveling Nosebleeds, BonBon!

pissed craft

exist to me

dark willow

Silas Bushyhead’s plan really sets into motion, when Bonnie goes all Stephen King’s Carrie on the windows in her dad’s house.

windows

Source

So dad does what any rational father would do in this situation . . . sends his daughter off in the woods to meet with his vampire ex-wife’s crazy witch friend, and her 11 teen minions?

stupid bitch chasing the ghost

Is Ridiculously Bad Parenting contagious?  Because it definitely seems like an epidemic in Mystic Falls.

nodding oh yeah

As much as I abhor me some Bonnie, even I have to admit the Witch Exorcism scene was pretty nifty, with Bonnie adding white eyeballs to her usual repertoire of Bleeding from the Nose and Whining . . .

white eyes

beautiful eyes haha

Then, Stefan . . . bless his heart, pops on the scene, and says, “WAIT!  Stop the exorcism, Bonnie’s working for SILAS!”

draco malfoy facepalm

To which, The Witch, replies . . . “Eh, no biggie!  We’ll just kill Bonnie.  We were half way there, anyway . . .”

stefan shrug

(Sounds like a plan to me!)

Of course, Stefan’s lame attempt at rescue ended up playing right into Bushyhead’s plans.  Because, minutes later, Caroline KILLS the head witch . . .

dead 1

dead 2

.  .  . and all the others immediately fall dead, domino-style (which was also pretty unintentionally hilarious to watch).

And so, the Apocalypse has finally come to Mystic Falls . . .maybe.

Klaus, who earlier in the day gave Caroline a geometry lesson about equilateral Expression Triangles, now gives her another one, about how killing TWELVE witches, and OPENING THE GATES OF HELL, to save one REALLY annoying one, isn’t exactly a fair trade in the scheme of Good versus Evil.

killed 12

Caroline is SAD.  Caroline is VULNERABLE.  Caroline wants comfort.  In other words, Klaus is SO IN . . .

fantastic

. . . which is probably why he rejects her ass . . .

less terrible

less terrible 2

Source

Congratulations Charlie Brown Klaus.  It looks like you finally got that football, away from Lucy, after all!

3 1 klaus smirk tbtvdgifs

P.S. It turns out Bonnie has amnesia about her entire Bring It On: Apocalypse Mini Series.

get off island

This means, she has to learn about JerBear’s death ALL OVER AGAIN.  Might I suggest waiting until Season 4 of TVD comes out on Blue Ray . . .

dvd

Bushwack . . . ing off?

Then Bushyhead Silas has to come and totally harsh Klaus’ buzz, by rubbing it in about the whole Apocalypse Thing, and staking his ass . . .

3 9 klaus pissed love hate in between

BASTARD!

Next week on TVD . . . did I hear someone say, Doppelganger Hijinx?

Oh, and what the heck is up with Dog-on-a-Leash Klaus, and . . . is that Silas!Caroline?

Color me intrigued . . . until next time, Fangbangers!

waves

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

9 Comments

Filed under The Vampire Diaries

For those who wear their hearts on their sleeves (or, perhaps, someone else’s heart?) – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Ties that Bind”

Source

De-hearted Hybrid . . . the gift that keeps on giving . . .

Greetings, Fangbangers!  This week’s installment of TVD was all about family reunions, and heart-to-hearts . . .

Everytime a hybrid loses its heart, an angel gets its wings . . . 

Also, this week, 95% of TVD characters endured at least one ass-kicking . . .

Source 

(And some characters endured multiple ass-kickings . . .)

So, load up on buckshot, tighten those chains, and, for heaven sake, keep your coffins hidden, because it’s time for another TVD-cap . . .

(As always special thanks to the awesomeness that is my good pal Andre, and his mad screencapping abilities . . .)

I Dream of Meanie . . .

Bonnie’s reaction, when she learned that her future love interest on the show is sort of / kind of her brother . .  . 

Ever notice how the only time most of the characters on TVD “sleep” is when they are passed out unconscious, or dying?  Not Bonnie, though.  She’s a regular Rip Van Witchy.  For the second week in a row, the episode begins with one of Bonnie’s “spirit dreams.”  Once again, our resident Nose Bleeder is all dressed up, with no where to go, but to a Dead Person Party . . .

“Well, this is morbid!  Why can’t I just have Dirty Damon Sex Dreams, like everybody else?”

Dream Bonnie finds herself near the graveside plots reserved for various members of her family.  In the midst of all this is a Mahogany Coffin, which, I suspect is supposed to represent Klaus’ Mysterious Fourth Coffin, only this one looks way more expensive than that one.  So, Bonnie does what any rational human being would do, when she sees a fancy coffin in her dreams.  She fondles it . . .

Source 

“My precioussssss.”

But Bonnie’s not alone at her Dead Person Party.  Another guest has arrived . . .

Source

The fact that Klaus is in this dream makes a lot of sense, if you think about it.  After all, nobody loves Dead Family Members and Fancy Coffins, more than Klaus!

So, Klaus, being the gentleman that he is, makes some small talk with the Bonster, before . . . you know . . . eating her . . .

*Nom-nom, nom-nom, crunch, crunch, mmmmm . . .*

Source

Bonnie wakes up moments later INSIDE THE COFFIN.  Oddly enough, her neck is still attached to her head, despite Klaus having clearly lobbed it off, while making her his meal . .  . or, as I like to call it . . . foreplay.  One thing I have to say for Bonnie:  She has smarter dreams than I do.  Here’s how I know.  Dream Bonnie remembered to bring her cell phone to the Dead Person Party.  I can’t tell you how many dreams I’ve had, where the whole time, all I seemed to do was search for my cell phone, and wonder why I didn’t have it with me.  Super annoying!

Speaking of annoying, rather than actually using her cell phone to CALL SOMEONE, Bonnie decides to bang hysterically on the roof of the coffin, screaming, “I’M IN HERE.”  You know, just in case someone happens to drop by the cemetery for some R&R, at that very moment.  Someone like . . . her . . .

“Oh, hi there.  I was wondering if I could borrow your cell phone, since I left mine at home.  Thanks!”

*slams coffin shut again, and walks away* 

The minute Bonnie wakes up, she rushes to tell her Bestie Elena all about her dream, and that whole Hidden Coffin Thing.  This was actually pretty nice of Bonnie.  Because, typically, it takes the Scooby Gang about four episodes, to let Elena in on anything.  And, when she finds out, she usually ends up yelling at Damon . . .  So, really, when you think about it, Bonnie did Damon a solid, here . . .

“And then Klaus was like, ‘Can you open it?’ And I was like ‘Duh! No!’  And he was like ‘RRRRR-munch, munch.’ And I was like ‘Ahhhhhhh!’  And then, later, I was like, ‘Hi Mom!’ 

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.” 

Somehow, from this ridiculous dream, Bonnie determines that her absentee mom, who she hasn’t seen in about 15 or so years, is the key to opening the fourth coffin.  To prove it, she decides to show Elena and a very pissed off Stefan a baby picture of herself, with some seriously poofy hair, and an oddly-placed bald spot . . .

Don’t you think it would have been nice, if they found a baby for this picture who actually looked remotely like Katerina Graham? 

The Return of the Eye Thing . . .

Source 

Later that day, Bonnie and Elena are combing through photographs of people named “Abby Bennett,” in hopes of finding one that looks like she might be related to Bonnie.  During the search, we are treated to a couple examples of real people who are “not Bonnie’s mom.”  And I must say, I felt particularly bad for THIS PERSON, who Bonnie classified as being “too old” . . .

First of all, girlfriend looks about 22.  Second of all, that’s REALLY HARSH!  Can you imagine this model being super excited about landing a “role” on The Vampire Diaries, and telling all her friends to watch, only to find out that she’s “too old?”

Fortunately, Damon magically appears to put a stop to this madness . . .

Source

With a little compulsion, and a lot of luck, Damon is quickly able to locate the home address of the “real Abby Bennett.”  And, understandably, he feels his super-sleuthing has earned him the right to enjoy a little road tripping time with new kissing buddy, Elena.  When denied the option of riding shotgun, Damon the chivalrous, graciously offers to ride in the back seat with Elena.  This, of course, got me to thinking about a Delena fanfiction I wrote once, where Damon and Elena had hot amorous sex in the backseat of a car, while Tyler and Caroline sat in front, uncomfortably pretending not to notice all the moaning sounds emanating from behind them . . .

Hey Tyler, what do you say we roll down the back windows on this baby, and head for the local car wash?”

But I digress . . . a super pouty Elena tells Damon he can’t come on the road trip, because she thinks he will be mean to Bonnie, during her Epic Mother Child Reunion.  In Elena’s defense, she’s probably right.  Then again, how can you really say no to a face like this?

Source 

This adorable Delena exchange (which, unfortunately, was the only one we got for the ENTIRE hour) reminded me of another instance, in which Elena lectured Damon, and Damon responded by . . . well . . . doing THIS . . .

Source 

Not at all surprisingly, you could cut the Delena sexual tension in the room with a butter knife.  And it doesn’t go unnoticed by Bonnie, who immediately asks, “What’s going on between you too?”

Of course, you can count on Damon to spill the beans on the soon-to-be-couple’s epic necking session.

By doing this, Damon ensures that, even though he can’t go on the road trip with Bonnie and Elena, he is at least guaranteed to be a major topic of discussion thereon.   Well played, Pimp Salvatore . . .

Love Means Never Having to Say “I bit you.”

Source 

Redemption, thy name is Shirtless Tyler Lockwood!  Those of us Forwood fans who became concerned last week, that the siring of Tyler would lead to a complete, and utter, assassination of his character (both metaphorically, and, possibly even literally) breathed a sigh of relief this week, when Hybrid #2 manned up in a really big way.  After accidentally giving his girlfriend the Love Bite to End All Love Bites, Tyler doesn’t hide in his room all day, binging on carbs, and watching YouTube videos.  (Though, that’s probably what I would do, if I were him.)  Instead, he shows up on Caroline’s doorstep, first thing in the morning with an apology, a special guest star, and, most importantly, a PLAN . . .

So, remember Caroline’s Big Gay Dad . . . a.k.a. the Asshat, who tried to De-Vamp Caroline, by locking her in a dungeon, and drying her out, in a sick version of Daddy / Daughter Time?

Someone’s not getting a Father’s Day gift . . . 

Well, apparently, just like Tyler, he knows a thing or too about guilt, and being the subject of Vampire Barbie’s disappointment and wrath.  He also knows how to fend off compulsion with his mind, a party trick that could come in super handy, if you are someone who is . . . oh, I don’t know . . . Gay for Klaus . . .

 Source

“Unfortunately, I couldn’t find the e-card that said, ‘Sorry, I almost gave you were rabies.’  So, I decided to do the next best thing.”

Caroline’s dad always seems to get just a bit too much glee out of torturing supernatural high schoolers.  That said, his notion that Tyler can break his sire bond, by owning his painful werewolf transformations, thereby staving off the gratitude he feels toward Klaus for allowing him not to experience that pain, is an intriguing one.  Of course, it assumes that the sire bond exists only in Tyler’s conscience, and has absolutely nothing to do with magic or compulsion .  . . an assumption with which I’m inclined to disagree.

 “Let’s make out.”

“Yes, Master.”

Nonetheless, I love the idea of Tyler trying to regain his own independence, by embracing his werewolf side, a side of himself which, to a large extent, was what first connected him to Caroline, in the first place . . .

Since we already know how LONNNNG and painful, werewolf transformation can be, especially for a relative “newbie werewolf” like Tyler, I for one was grateful to get the Cliff Notes version, this time . . .

I suspect Caroline was grateful, as well.  Because, whatever has happened between these two of late, I think she still loves him.  Given that, it must be unbelievably hard for her to see him in so much pain . . . especially, since she knows he’s enduring it, to a large extent, for her.  There’s also that whole, “werewolf bite kills a vampire” thing.

So, when Tyler kindly growls for Caroline to “beat it,” so he can turn into a monster in peace, he doesn’t have to ask twice.  She’s out faster than a tubby girl in dodgeball.  Big Gay Dad on the otherhand, clearly has a death wish, and sticks around.  Someone should have told this guy, that you don’t shake sticks at angry dogs.  And you DEFINITELY don’t go after angry werewolves with an axe . . .

“Kiddies .  . . do not try this at home.” 

“Is this guy for real?’ 

Next thing you know, Tyler is giving a BIGGGGG love bite to another member of the Forbes family.  And I’m thinking to myself, “Oh Tyler, honey, eating your girlfriend’s father is REALLY not the best way to salvage your relationship . . .”

“Hey . . . he started it.”

Crazy Nanny Carrie Takes on Team Badass

Source

I think Alaric’s finally found a girlfriend, who’s as big of an alcoholic as he is!

“Bottoms up, bottoms up . . . let me fill your cup.  Got a couple bottles, but a couple ain’t enough . . .” 

We find him, at the beginning of this episode, once again day drinking at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls with Crazy Nanny Carrie, who, of course, classifies herself as an “Angry Drunk,” before heading out for another day of “saving lives” (or taking them?).  Damon arrives on the scene, looking more than a bit jealous that his bromantic buddy has been drinking with someone who isn’t him . . .

Damon also watches a lot of TV.  So, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he caught Crazy Nanny Carrie drugging Mayor Dan, and trying to bury him alive on One Tree Hill . . .

Given all that, coupled with the recent untimely demise of a certain Medical Examiner Ex Boyfriend of the Crazy Nanny’s . . .

. . .  you certainly can’t blame Damon for being a wee bit suspicious of the woman who’s planning to eat his boyfriend’s Chunky Monkey  . . .

And so, one half of Team Badass heads straight to hospital to pay the good doctor a visit, armed with an admittedly rather lame excuse for his presence there . . .

 

Source

A newborn’s response to being waved at by Damon Salvatore . . . 

Having disposed of the pleasantries, Damon quickly launches into some not-so-thinly veiled accusations that Crazy Nanny Carrie murdered her preppy sweater vest wearing ex-beau.  At first, Crazy Nanny takes these insults in stride.  It’s nothing she hasn’t heard before.  But then, she VERVAINS DAMON, and JACKS HIS BLOOD, WHILE HE SLEEPS, which is so NOT the way to treat your boyfriend’s best friend .  . .

That said, it did give us the opportunity to watch Damon sleep, which was awesome.  I’m not going to lie . . .

Sadly, Damon’s shirt was kept on, throughout the entire ordeal . . . But surely, you wouldn’t blame me for taking a little creative license with this moment.  Would you?

A little while later, Damon  visits Alaric (who is looking particularly sweaty and sexy in his grey tank top) for a friendly round of “I told you so.”

 “You better buff up, if you want to date this one,” Damon warns.  “Diagnosis: Psycho case.”

To be honest, I missed a lot of this scene.  I was way to focused on the magically reappearing, disappearing sweat on Alaric’s shirt . . .

Now you see it . . .

Now you don’t . . .

See it . . .

Don’t . . .

“Dude, I think that immortality ring of yours is giving you a glandular issue . . .” 

Eventually, Alaric confronts Crazy Nanny Carrie, and she reveals to him her Deep Dark Secret . . . she uses vampire blood to cure her patients.  She also has a collection of decapitated heads in her bathtub.  (We even see Crazy Nanny using Damon’s blood to save Big Gay Dad, so that he might live to torture Poor Tyler another day.  Hooray!)

“Turn into a werewolf without pain?  Easy for him to say .  . . At least, he gets to drift into convenient unconsciousness, when I break HIS bones.” 

Alaric might be a history teacher.  But he clearly hasn’t learned the number one lesson of all history courses:  history has a way of repeating itself.  A few years back, Alaric dated a psycho named Isobel, to whom he told all his Deepest Darkest Secrets.  She ended up dumping his ass, and then returning to town, only to use those secrets to get him POSSESSED BY AN EVIL VAMPIRE.  And yet, Mr. Disappearing / Reappearing Sweat Stain saw absolutely nothing wrong with revealing to Crazy Nanny Carrie, a woman he barely knows, the fact that (1) he’s a vampire hunter with a MAD weapons stash, and (2) he owns an immortality ring . . .

Crazy Nanny Carrie wastes no time trying to pry the damn thing off his finger, while they make out (probably so that she can morph into Medusa and turn him into stone, or something).  Fortunately, Elena barges in, and, in doing so, probably saves Alaric’s life.  But even that’s a lesson Alaric hasn’t seemed to have learned yet.  Hey Alchy-ric!  News flash: When you live with teenagers, and you want to hook up with your girlfriend, CLOSE THE DAMN DOOR, FIRST!

“Whoopsies!” 

“Geez, Alaric!  At least put a sock on the doorknob, or something!”

“Baby, I’m Howling for You . . .”

I absolutely love that Klaus is a fan of The Black Keys.  I also happen to think that “Howling for You” is a perfect theme song for the character.  I would have liked it even more if he started to dance to it . . .

 At some point, in the middle of the song, Stefan pops by for a little Ripper Reunion . . .

They talk business.   They talk coffins.  Neither one is willing to budge an inch on his position.  Then Klaus makes an offhand comment about how he doesn’t think the whole “Crazy Stefan” thing, is really working for him.  “How’s that working out for you?  Do you have any friends left?”  He asks, slyly.

Ouch, Klaus!  Of course, this searing analysis would probably mean a lot more coming from a guy who didn’t kill both his parents, and stake all his siblings . . .

That said, no one can say now that Klaus doesn’t have a lot of friends.  He’s made a ton of them recently . . . I mean, literally “made them.”  In fact, he calls one of these so-called friends, shortly after Stefan leaves.  He then instructs the hybrid to pay a little visit to a certain Bennett household where, Elena and Bonnie may or may not be headed, as they speak . . .

“Dammit, Klaus.  Why did you have to call me?  Every hybrid on this show that gets a speaking part, always ends up without a head or a heart . .  .” 

In which Bonnie joins Team Damon, and my respect for her increases ten-fold . . .

Source 

You know, Bonnie and I have never been particularly close.  And I think part of the reason for that was that she always seemed particularly anti-Delena.  And, as you might have guessed, I’m a bit of a fanatic about that Ship . . .

Then came this week’s road trip, in which Bonnie craftily got Elena to admit that Damon was a good kisser, and, in that beautiful moment, all the things that made me HATE Bonnie’s character, in the past  (the fire starting,  the ugly nose-bleeding, the judginess, and the migraine-making) was forgiven . . . at least, until she starts pulling that sh*t again . . .

Source 

This Damon-centric conversation is cock blocked by a phone call from Stefan, who Elena tells Bonnie to ignore, before eventually taking the phone herself (which is the responsible thing to do, considering Bonnie is DRIVING, and shouldn’t be on her cell phone, in the first place, Stefan).  Elena ends up lying to Stefan, telling him that the two are going to the lakehouse, instead of to Bonnie’s mom’s house.  Stefan, of course, sees right through the lie, and vows to do something about it . . . a decison that, under the circumstances, he might end up regretting . . .

Family Reunion gone Baaaaaaaaaad.

“Bonnie!  I’d like you to meet your mom, and your new boyfriend / brother.  They will both be trying to kill you today . . .” 

Since we saw Soon-to-Be-Heartless-Hybrid pay a visit to the Bennett house, just moments earlier, us viewers are all pretty sure this mother/child reunion is going to end badly.  We just aren’t sure how.

 When Bonnie and Elena first arrive at the house, they meet THIS GUY . . .

 . . . who seems to have no qualms about inviting the two strange females into the house (one of whom claims to be the owner of the house’s daughter), and offering them food and drink, as if he owns the place.  When Bonnie asks “Jamie” (that’s his name, by the way) if the two of them are related, and he says “no,” my first thought is that Abby Bennett is a cougar, and this is her boyfriend.  Part of me is actually disappointed that this didn’t end up being the case . . .

“So, basically, my bio mom was a sociopathic vampire, and yours is a total slut.  Awesome!” 

“Jamie” explains that his dad dated Bonnie’s mom, but ended up being a total douchebag deadbeat.  So, Mama Bennett ended up raising him as the child she never had.  Of course, she did have a child . . . Bonnie.  So, we certainly can’t blame our little witch for being a bit resentful, under the circumstances.

“Don’t make me light a fire up your ass, JAAAAIMMMEE.” 

Another thing, I couldn’t help but notice is that, though they are not technically related, in some ways, Jamie IS kind of like Bonnie’s brother.  And, to me, this makes things kind of icky, especially if the writers are planning on pairing the two together romantically, as rumors seem to suggest that they are . . .  But hey, it worked in Clueless, right?

Shortly thereafter, Bonnie’s bio mom returns to the house.  Elena quickly leaves, so that the two can “iron out their issues” in piece . . .

“So, mom . . . you used to be a witch, right.  How did you cope with all the nose bleeds?  Sometimes, I bleed so much, I feel like my nostrils are going to fall off my face . . .”

I have to say, I was neither impressed, nor did I entirely buy, Abby Bennett’s story as to why she ditched Bon-Bon as a kid.   So, let me get this straight, she “lost her powers” fifteen years ago, while luring Original Mikael into a coffin, and then decided to leave town without her kid or husband, so she didn’t have to be a witch anymore?

Well, without her powers wasn’t she “not a witch anymore,” anyway?  And, if she was planning to leave town, why didn’t she think to take her three-year old, and the rest of her family with her?  Wouldn’t that have made more sense?

Also, this “kind-hearted” woman . . . who was willing to literally give up everything to save her best friend’s kid (Mikael was supposedly in town looking for Elena) . . .  and went on to raise someone else’s kid as her own . . . never even thought to check on whether her OWN MOTHER, who she put in charge of raising HER KID, was alive or dead?

I don’t know.  Something about this story stinks . . . and it isn’t just the nosebleeds that are making it so . . .

Outside in the barn, or whereever it is that Elena ends up, she runs into Stefan, who’s none too happy with her for lying to him about her plans.

Source 

Unfortunately, for him, he doesn’t get too much time to “express his feelings,” because THIS happens . . .

Source 

That had to hurt . . .

Yeah, apparently, hybrid compulsion beats Stefan compulsion.  Who knew?  When Jamie comes to intervene on Stefan’s and Elena’s arguing, Stefan horrifies Elena, by strangling the poor kid, and compelling him to leave.  But it’s Jamie who has the last laugh, when he turns right back around, and pumps Stefan’s stomach full of buckshot.  He also ties Elena to a post, with some rope.

(Chivalry is SO dead!)

Things aren’t going much better, inside.  When Bonnie hears the gunshot, Mama Abby muffles Bonnie’s face, until she falls unconscious, and drags her ass into a car.  Man, the parents on this show suck ass . . .

“Rockabye Bonnie, in the farmhouse.  When the wind blows, I’ll DRUG YOU, UNTIL YOU PASS OUT . .  .” 

Stefan gets a woody (multiple woodies, actually)

I guess all that time Elena has spent working out is finally starting to pay off . . .

Elena somehow manages to break free of the ropes confining her to the wooden post.  As Stefan writhes on the floor in pain, more or less, useless.  Elena gets Jamie to admit that he’s been compelled to (1) hurt Stefan; (2) keep Elena safe; and (3) KILL HIMSELF IF BONNIE DOESN’T REVEAL TO KLAUS’ HYBRID THE LOCATION OF THE COFFINS.  Then, feigning rope burn, Elena gets Jamie to come close enough to her that she can knock him unconscious, with a spare piece of wood.

Source 

Once that’s over and done with she kneels down to tend to Stefan, who suggest that Elena hand pick all the buckshot out of his body.  (FUN!)  Part of me was actually surprised that Stefan didn’t ask her to do it with her mouth, like THIS GUY did . . .

(If it had been Damon on the floor, he totally would have done this .  . .)

It makes sense that Elena’s acts of bravery and kindness would prompt Nice Stefan to make a rare cameo appearance.  First, he compliments Elena on how much tougher she’s become, since he temporarily ditched her ass, and went Rogue Ripper . . .

 Source

Yes, Stefan.  Being dumped tends to make people Stronger and Tougher, even Kelly Clarkson said so.  What’s interesting about what Stefan says here is that it kind of reminds me of what Katherine said to him, when the pair were first reunited in “The Return.”

Source

“You’re stronger . . . meaner . . . sexy.” 

Stefan also gets major points for admitting that he went just a smidge too far, with the whole “threatening to drown you over the same bridge where both your parents died,” thing . . .  And perhaps, it’s this honestly, and increased intimacy, between the two that prompts Elena to make this AWESOME confession . . .

Source 

Source 

That’s right, Delena fans.  Elena Gilbert is not one to mince words.  And when she says she fell in love with “vampires” plural .  . . and then later admits to KISSING SOMEONE without guilt, as opposed to BEING KISSED, she means it, most definitely.  And whether or not I think this was the opportune moment to share this information with Stefan, I love that Elena is so willing to own up to her romantic feelings for Damon, not just to Stefan . . . but also to herself . . .

And really, can Stefan honestly blame her for falling for his brother, when Damon Salvatore is so friggin hot and charming, it’s almost painful to be in his presence, without ripping your clothing off he practically rolled the red carpet for the two of them to couple?

That said, even the staunchest of Delena shippers can’t help but feel the tiniest bit bad for Stefan, when — after weeks of showing virtually no emotion whatsoever, aside from sheer, unadulterated RAGE — the younger Salvatore brother suddenly looks as though he’s going to burst into tears at the prospect of his lover moving on, without him . . .

Source 

Source 

Welcome back, Stefan’s Humanity!  Long time, no see . . .

Once Stefan has come down a bit, from the shock of hearing that Elena kissed Damon (He should watch it on YouTube.  He’ll really be miserable then!), Elena confronts him again.

“Hey Steffy . . . I just wanted to stop by and torture you some more with details about my new love life.  Here’s a detailed description of how Damon’s tongue felt as it probed my mouth and nether regions.  If you’d like, I could even show you pictures. . .” 

At this point, Stefan says something interesting: “You’re better than him.  You’re better than both of us,” he says sadly, before getting back into his car, and driving away.

We heard this same sentiment echoed by Damon, when he first told Elena he loved her (and compelled her to forget it) back in “Rose.”  To me, it shows just how psychically linked these two brothers are.  How sad that neither man believes himself worthy of the woman he loves the most.

Well, hey, if Elena ends up being “too good” for both Damon and Stefan, I’d be happy to take one of them off her hands for her .  . .

Elsewhere, Bonnie’s mom (who wasn’t compelled, but was acting against her real daughter to save her not-son?) keeps Jamie from offing himself, by getting Bonnie to come clean to Klaus’ hybrid about the location of the coffins.  But before she does that, she secretly gives Bonnie the OK to tell her friends what’s happening, so that they might have time to do something about it.  Their story ends on a relatively nice note, with Bonnie’s mom offering to try and get her power back (assuming she genuinely lost it, in the first place), so that she can help Bonnie open the Infamous Fourth Coffin.

I still don’t trust the witch, though . . .

 Source

. . . sorry . . .

Klaus = 1, Dead Witches = 0

So, the good news for Klaus is that he found out from his hybrid where Damon and co. were hiding the coffins . . .

 . . . but the bad news is that the witches are hiding them from him, so he can’t actually see them  . . .

They are also pretending he’s old school Damon and beating the crap out of him WITH THEIR MINDS .  . .

So, he tells them, in no uncertain terms, that they better be nicer to him, or he will “Rip Damon from limb to limb” and “KILL EVERYONE THEY LOVE.”

Time to get some new tagline, Klaus.  These threats are getting old . . .

Lack of originality aside, the witches roll over and play dead decide to show Klaus the coffins . . .

The only problem, of course (for Klaus, that is), is that Damon has re-hidden the ALL IMPORTANT FOURTH COFFIN . . .

So, suck on that Klausipoo!

Klaus = 0, Damon = 2, Elijah = 310 . . . .

When Stefan arrives back home to La Casa de Rich and Awesome, after a long, eventful day of being shot at, and having his — now apparently working again — heart stomped on, he decides to offer his favorite brother a little “keepsake” from his journey . . .

Source

It’s a BLACK EYE!  HOORAY! 

Poor Damon . . . vervained, de-blooded,  beaten-up . . . he ALMOST wins the award for most abused cast member, this week .  . . almost . . .  But it appears, Damon might have taken a little keepsake of his own . . .

Meanwhile, back at the Klaus House, a mildly-pleased-with-himself Klaus, is going over his Malelovent Plans for World Domination with his Hybrid Pal of the week, when THIS happens . . .

Sorry Random Hybrid!  It looks like you just won yourself one of these . . .

But hey, look on the bright side.  I’m sure this episode earned you your SAG card!

Anywhoo . . .

Source 

(He wants to know what he missed.  Do you think I should e-mail him my recaps? :))

That’s right boys and girls, Damon the Awesome de-staked Elijah, before returning his coffin to Klaus.

And now, boyfriend is going to have some SERIOUS explaining to do . . .

You can try to run, Klaus . . .

 . . . but you CAN’T HIDE!

And that was “The Ties that Bind,” in a nutshell.  Unfortunately, The Vampire Diaries is taking a short hiatus, next week.

But if the promos for episode 13 are any indication, it will definitely be worth the wait . . .

See you then, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

28 Comments

Filed under The Vampire Diaries

A Birthday and Five Funerals – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Our Town”

[Greetings, Gossip Girl and Pretty Little Liars Fans!  I know I owe you all two recaps today.  Unfortunately, I was feeling a bit under the weather last night.  However, I hope to get both recaps out to you by early January 18th (all fingers crossed).  This means my Glee-cap should arrive by January 19th.  Sorry about the delay.  And thank you for being patient!]

BONNIE: “Make a wish, Caroline.”

CAROLINE: “I wish to get more action than Elena, this year.” 

 

Source

“Nice, Caroline!  I thought we were friends.  Do the words, ‘three seasons of virtual celibacy’ mean anything to you?” 

Greetings Fangbangers!  I’m going to admit that some very strange things happened to me during this episode . . . things I never thought would happen, ever . . .  Here they are,  in no particular order:

(1) Bonnie, as per usual, was judgmental toward Elena, about something she did last week. And I AGREED WITH BONNIE!

(2) Matt Donovan actually made me smile.  (This hasn’t happened, since he got high, back in “The Birthday.”  Perhaps, I only like Matt when he’s wasted .  . .)

Source 

(3) Elena refused a second kiss from Damon, and I was totally OK with it.  (BECAUSE, NEXT TIME, SHE’S GOING TO KISS HIM, INSTEAD!)

(4) I found myself incredibly turned on by a (sort of) love scene between Caroline, and someone who wasn’t Tyler . . .

Clearly, the apocalypse is upon us .  . .

Also this week, I found myself, at various points during the episode, seriously questioning the respective motivations of Stefan, Klaus, and Tyler.

Are these men behaving out of self-interest,  genuine concern for their lady friends, or, in the case of Tyler, a slighty modified version of compulsion?  Also, would they all have been better off keeping their hands (and teeth) to themselves?

All in all, it was a very intriguing episode .  . . one I very much look forward to “biting into” with you, right now . . .

(By the way, special thanks to Andre, for providing me some seriously amazing screencaps for this episode.  I just wish we had a TVD tumblr, so that I can share them all with you.)

Channeling “Frustrations”

Source 

“I will not imagine Damon naked.  I will not imagine Damon naked . . . I will not . . .”

“Dammit!”

So, Fangbangers, have you ever been really horny stressed out?  Do you sometimes find yourself with so much excess desire and sexual energy, you simply must find someone to bone some way to release it?  I have.  And whenever I feel this way, I tend to GO BONE DAMON SALVATORE, THIS INSTANT, ELENA! do one of two things . . .

(1) workout my frustrations with some good old-fashioned humping physical exertion; or

(2) get naked cool off in a nice, refreshing shower.

When you think about it, it actually makes a lot of sense that Elena ended up doing the former, especially, in light of her recent epic porch smooch with Damon.

It’s also no surprise that, Damon did the latter.  (After all, let’s face it, it’s been WAY TOO LONG, since we got to see Mr. Smoulderhotter NAKED!)

 I’ve never been so envious of a towel, in my entire life.

I mean, Damon’s always been known to be quite the suds-loving dude . . .  He takes his personal hygiene VERY seriously . . .

Source 

But aside from all that, Damon is in a REALLY good place right now.

Source

And . . . now, I’m jealous of the shower head . . . 

After three seasons of angst, and unrequited love, the elder Salvatore Brother has FINALLY unburdened himself to Elena.  He’s exposed himself to her, in the rawest, most personal way, and SHE reciprocated!

Source 

 It was everything he dreamed about.  And he’s totally satisfied with how it all turned out.

Elena, on the other hand, is CONFUSED, not to mention SERIOUSLY SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED.  It’s as if, through that kiss, Damon transferred years of horny angst, unrequited love, and giddy confusion from his shoulders onto her own . . .

The only way to release that tension will be for Elena to similarly unburden herself.  But, until she does that, something tells me she’s going to be thinking about that kiss for a VERY, VERY long time . . .

“Have you talked to Damon, today?”  Elena asks Alaric apprehensively, as she thrusts her body into that big sweaty hunk of punching bag.  (It’s a surprisingly girly comment, coming from our new warrior princess . . . Suddenly, she’s a preteen again, asking her best friend, if he thinks her crush likes her.)

Alaric clearly suspects something is going on between his surrogate kid, and his bromantic buddy, but, fortunately knows when to leave well enough alone . . .

“She could beat me up, for sure.” 

Meanwhile, over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Stefan also might suspect that Damon’s gotten some tongue action (among other things), when the latter saunters out of his shower, naked except for a towel, looking surprisingly peppy, not to mention cocky as hell.

But if you were hoping for a brotherly bonding  / gossip session over the brother’s mutual Gal Friday, you will end up being sorely disappointed.  Stefan, who, by the way, hasn’t been laid in AGES .  . .

“Rub it in, why don’t ya?” 

 .  . .  is all business.  He wants the two of them over at Institution for Dead Witches on the Rag, ASAP, so that the pair can discuss Operation Kill Klaus.

As douchetastic and cold as Stefan has been, of late (He also seems to be wearing a heck of a lot more guyliner, since he went over to the dark side.), it was kind of fun to see the Salvatore Brothers back to their old schemes, and sibling banter.  We haven’t seen that from them, in a while . . .

Knock, Knock . . . (a.k.a. Funeral 1)

Knock, knock . . .

Who’s there?

Heartless Hybrid . . .

Heartless Hybrid who . . .

Oh crap!

Despite the fact that there are three other unopened coffins in our midst (one of which contains Elijah and his awesome hair) . . .

 . . . everyone only seems interested in that Mystery One . . .

“What are we?   Chopped liver?” 

We find Bonnie at the Institution, doing her own version of Bibbity Bobbity Boo over it . . .

Hey, I’ve got an idea.  Why doesn’t she try to light the coffin on fire, or give it a headache, like she used to do to Damon . . . 

 (only without the nosebleeds . . . Have we completely forgotten about the nosebleeds, writers?) to no avail.

That’s right, Bonnie.  I’m never letting you live this down . . . 

Later, Damon tries to bash it in with a crowbar.  That’s more like it.  I’m just waiting for a Batsh*t Crazy Stefan to come at the thing with an electric chainsaw.  Now, THAT would be awesome . . .

But, suddenly, just as Bonnie finishes her silly little rhyme, and Damon and Stefan reach the doorway to the Institution, the coffins disappear (What a clever little security system those witches have set up!)  Damon rushes inside to warn Bonnie.  Then, he and Stefan tag team and promptly de-heart our first anonymous hybrid victim of the evening.

Man, is it just me, or are these hybrids incredibly lame?

I don’t know, Klaus.  Maybe they get that from their mom’s side of the family?  But it seems to me like some of the Season 1 vampires, were about ten times more difficult to kill than these supposed Lean, Mean, Killing Machines . . .

Part vampire . .  . part werewolf . . . ALL LOSER?

“These hybrids are really bringing the neighborhood down,” snarks Damon, as he tosses the bloody heart on the floor.

No wonder he showers so much . . . 

Correction:  They WOULD be bringing the neighborhood down, if any of them were actually smart enough to survive longer than five minutes to do it . . .

A Very, Very Un-Birthday to YOU!

“I was originally going to write the letters in my own blood, but thought that might be inappropriate.” 

Over at school, Elena and Bonnie are busy decorating undead birthday girl, Caroline’s locker, when Elena announces that she has a confession to make.  “I kissed Damon, and it was so hot I nearly orgasmed, right there on my porch.  I’m so horny right now I could SCREAM. Jeremy’s leaving Mystic Falls, because I made Damon compel him to do so,” she admits, more or less.

Source

The look on Bonnie’s face, when she hears this, is just FILLED with judgment.  Can you imagine what her face is going to look like, when she learns Damon and Elena are boning?

She knows her ex would never willingly leave his family to battle evil, while he scurried off to someplace “safe.”  And she also knows how much Jeremy always hated the way everyone, especially his sister, always treated him like a toddler, and never let him play in any Scooby Games.  But, as angry as she is, Bonnie doesn’t say anything . . . yet.

Instead, she goes and asks Jeremy about why he’s leaving.  And when he provides her with the stock, Stepford Husband, compulsion response with which Damon has provided him, she gives him this smirk that says, “You are acting like a such a brainwashed tool, right now.  And you don’t even know it.”

For a second, it seems like Bonnie just might have gotten through to Jeremy.  But then he sees a shiny object (Ghost Anna?), and completely forgets that she exists.  Sorry, Bonster.  You may be right about this one.  But your ship has definitely sailed . . .

“I’m sorry. Damon has also compelled me to forget the name of that witch I used to screw.”

Meanwhile, an unusually Mopey Caroline arrives at school to find Tyler waiting for her in the parking lot.

“I could always ‘accidentally’ run him over with my car . . .” 

I know girls like Caroline.  Under normal circumstances, she’d probably show up to school on her birthday, wearing a tiara, a gold sequined dress, and a big button that says, “F*&k Kiss me, I’m a year older.”

“When I open my eyes, I better see lot of expensive presents in front of me, or else!” 

But our girl Caroline has changed, in more ways than one, since last year.  And the sight of her erstwhile beau isn’t making things any easier on her.

Speaking of subdued, the events of the past week seem to have finally gotten it through Tyler’s thick (but still adorable) hybrid skull that being “Gay for Klaus” isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.  He apologizes profusely to Caroline for no longer being able to put her first, given how demanding his new lover happens to be.  Then, he sweetly slips an adorable silver charm bracelet into her hand, wishes her happy birthday, and exits stage left . . .

As the couple talk, there’s some song playing in the background, in which the lyrics repeat, “It’s over,” over and OVER again.  And there’s just something about it that really makes me want to break something.

Many fellow TVD fans have often complained about the LOUDNESS of the show’s background music.  But this was the first time it TRULY bothered me . . . like a too-loud laugh track, over a part of a sitcom that wasn’t particularly funny . . .

“Turn the music down, dammit, I’m trying to hear FORWOOD!” 

All this angst and pedantic music quickly become too much for Caroline.  So, her and her plaid Catholic School Girl Skirt both decide to take a sick day  . . .

How very Britney Spears, circa 1998 . . . 

When, she arrives back at her house, however, Elena, Matt, and Bonnie are there waiting for her.  (Did they all call in sick too?)

How many high school boys do you know who would willingly wear a bubble gum pink dunce cap? 

They’ve planned a tequila campfire party in her honor.  But Caroline, as we know, isn’t in a celebrating mood.  “[My birthday, this year] is just a reminder that I’m dead,” she gripes.  “I’m stuck in a filler year,” Vampire Barbie adds about her “forever 17” status.

Source

(I don’t know about 17 being a filler year, per se.  At least you can get your driver’s license, over and over again!)

But worry not, Caroline fans.  Because Elena Gilbert, Therapist to Vampires, knows exactly the kind of party that Caroline needs . . .

A Very Klefan Breakup (a.k.a Funeral 2)

Speaking of vampires who are desperately in need of both therapy and sex, it seems Klaus has crafted a comfy new coffin for his re-daggered sister, Rebekah (or, perhaps, he saved the old one . . . knowing it wouldn’t be long before he’d get sick of his sister, and need it again).

He tells Punky She-Hybrid to “Show Rebekah to her room,” while lovingly caressing the coffin.  And, for a moment, I’m reminded of that movie where Ryan Gosling started having intimate conversations with, and eventually, if I recall, marrying, a life-sized female doll . . .

But before Punky She-Hybrid can give Coffin Number 1, the grand tour of the Original Hybrid Suite, Stefan magically appears . . . (because, apparently, this is a day for Reunions with Ex-Boyfriends).

Klaus’ eyes light up when he sees his Steffypoo.  And for a moment, I think the ancient vampire truly believes that the two of them are about to kiss and have sex make up.

But before Klaus and Stefan can continue their weekly weiner-measuring contest, Stefan has some grievances to air about their relationship, “friends don’t strip friends of their free will,” whines Stefan, of Klaus’ Very Bad Boyfriend decision to render him a virtual zombie for three or four episodes.

“Must . . . eat . . . braaaaaiiiiins.” 

To Klaus’ credit,  he actually apologizes for this.  “I know that was extreme, but I can get a bit moody sometimes,” says the guy who has a habit of KILLING his relatives, for fun.   “I was hoping [now that all that is over and done], that we could pick up right where we left off,” he coos, the sexual suggestiveness of his statement, fairly clear, as he winks at his boy toy, and blows kisses in his direction.

But Stefan’s not giving in so easily, nor is he swayed, by Klaus’ decision to play the “Brother Card.”  In fact, Stefan’s SOOOO not down with the idea of a Klefan reunion that he CHOPS OF PUNKY SHE-HYBRID’S HEAD!

So, remember back when Stefan used to eat people’s heads off, and then glue them back on, because he felt bad about it?  Apparently, neither does he . . . 

And another one bites the dust . . .

I love how the decapitated body just stood there, for about three seconds, before finally crumbling to the ground. 

For those of you keeping track at home, out of Klaus’ merry band of hybrids, we now have two, without hearts, and two without heads.  Now, we just need some arms, legs, and torsos, up in this joint.  And we could have ourselves a mean game of Hangman!

But alas, Klaus decides to burn Punky She-Hybrid’s head, in all it’s stylish Angry Girl Band-loving glory.  This to me, seems like a real waste, especially when a “decorative sculpture” like this could really have spruced up Coffin Rebekah’s new bedroom . .  .

A Very Klyler Breakup?

But Stefan isn’t the only boy toy of Klaus’ that’s cheesed off at him.  Seemingly moments after Stefan the Decapitator has departed, in comes a snarling, feral-looking Tyler.  He’s not giving in to this “sire” thing.  No sir!  He’s his own man, dammit.

So, of course, Klaus has to send Tyler off on another errand: namely, bite Caroline, and give her were-hybrid rabies, like Rose and Damon, before her.

(Hmmm . . . interesting.  So, a hybrid bite can kill a vampire, just as easily as a werewolf one can, despite the fact that hybrids are, technically, part vampire.  What happens, when they bite themselves?) 

Tyler says “Hell to the No” to this errand, which I appreciated very much (Of course, I would have appreciated it much more, if his “Hell to the No” was followed by “Pretty please don’t kill Caroline, because I love her” . . .  as opposed to merely, “Why should I do it?” . . . the unspoken .  . . and, perhaps, unintentional, implication being that it would be OK, if someone else did it).

“See?  I should have run him over with my car!” 

Klaus pouts a bit, at his sex  slave’s surprising disobedience.  But, oddly enough, he ultimately lets Tyler off the hook, for this particular errand, without much fanfare . . . or does he?

In which it becomes shockingly apparent that the entire Founder’s Council is made up of vampires and psycho killers . . .

That night, Team Bad Ass, a.k.a. Alaric and Damon, attend one of those ridiculous faux-Founder’s Day parties at the Lockwood Mansion, so that they can later appear at one of those totally useless Anti-Vampire Council meetings.  While they wait, Alaric talks to Damon about how odd it is that Stefan’s gone balls out, evil, while Damon is in hero-mode, and playing house with Elena.  (You can always count on Alaric to say what everyone else is thinking . . .)

Speaking of Elena, “something’s up with [her],” Alaric confides in his bromantic buddy.

Damon smirks at this, undoubtedly imagining the way her tongue tastes.   But he reveals nothing.  Instead, he deflects, “I’m sure, whatever it is it starts with a ‘Stef’ and ends with an ‘an.'” He jokes.  (More like starts with a “DAM” and ends with an “IT’S ON!”)

Source

Crazy Nanny Carrie, er, I mean Meredith Fell then annoyingly magically appears to hit on Alaric some more, and remind us that, as a “Founding Fell,” she’s part of this Useless Council too . . .(Hey, you know who else was a Fell?  Season 1 Logan . . . the guy Damon and Alaric both killed . . . coincidence?)

Crazy Nanny continues to flirt with Alaric, and make weirdly threatening references to the fact that she still imagines throwing her ex boyfriend from high school off a bridge.  Woah, Crazy Nanny Meredith! Considering that you’re a doctor, it’s safe to say you’ve been out of high school for at least ten years.  It’s time to let go, psychopath . . .

Later, we see said ex-boyfriend and Meredith fighting about something.  The ex gets a bit rough with Meredith, and Prince Alaric comes to her rescue.  Instead of being mad at Alaric, the guy in question actually seems to pity him, even going so far as to warn him about the nutjob he’s about to start screwing.  (Clearly, this guy has watched One Tree Hill and Pretty Little Liars.)

Cause of death:  The use of too much hair product, at once . . . 

We later learn that this guy is the Town Medical Examiner, a.k.a. The Guy Who Lies and Says Residents Were Killed by Wild Dogs,  When They Were Actually Sucked Dry by Stefan Salvatore . . .

More interesting than Crazy Nanny Meredith’s fantasies of becoming Stephen King’s Carrie, and Medical Examiner Guy’s shockingly bad hair is the fact that “some British guy,” has apparently donated oodles of cash to Mystic Falls’ Founder’s Council.

Annnnd .  . . that’s how the Baddest Vampire of them All, and his Band of Strong, But Stupid, Hybrids all became honorary members of the Now Virtually 0% Human Anti-Vampire Council . . .  Would you believe that Klaus got his foot in the proverbial council door, by offering the group PROTECTION from Stefan?  Talk about the ultimate switcheroo.

To be honest, I was much less surprised that Carol Lockwood went along with her son’s new boyfriend’s plans, than I was that former vampire despiser, Lizard Forbes has suddenly gone out and bought herself a “Team Klaus” t-shirt.

Source

Is it possible that she is predicting a future romance for her Vampire Barbie daughter, and the Original Hybrid?  Stay tuned . . .

LIZ: “Bet you $20 they are boning by sweeps week.”

DAMON: “I’ll take that bet . . .” 

Speaking of Crazy!Stefan, he makes a go at killing, yet a third hybrid, upstairs in the Lockwood Mansion.  (This one, would have been another beheading . . . not very creative.  However, he is ultimately stopped by Peacekeeping!Damon.  Go figure! Damon’s passionate plea of “No dead hybrids at the Founder’s Party,” reminds me so much of Chris Rock’s “No sex in the Champagne Room,” that it makes me giggle.

Stefan, however, isn’t amused.  So, he storms off to go pee on some more proverbial trees, so as to mark his town territory, and “be the better villain,” so to speak.  And by “trees,” I mean “Elena” . . .

Meanwhile . . .

Here Lies Caroline Forbes . . .  (a.k.a. Funeral 3)

In the most morbid,  but surprisingly appropriate birthday party ever, Elena and the gang take Caroline to Fell’s tomb.  There, they decide to give her a FUNERAL . . . you know, because she’s dead . . . and stuff.  The idea, of course, is to get her to stop focusing on her OLD life of GETTING OLD, and start focusing on her NEW LIFE (which . . . is really, more or less, the same as her old one, except she occasionally drinks blood, and never ever will have to pay for Botox).

Then, Caroline proceeds to get mildly inebriated on tequila, and uses it as an excuse to drunk text Tyler.  (We’ve all been there. ;))  This prompts Elena to make a snide remark, and Bonnie to stick up for Caroline.  (AGAIN, I’m agreeing with Bonnie AGAIN!  What the heck is wrong with me?)  Apparently, liquor has loosened Bonnie’s lips enough for her to Elena what she really things of her decision to steal Jeremy’s free will, and send him away, possibly for good.

“Judging you . . . again.”

Matt gripes comedically, that all this catty girl talk is totally ruining Caroline’s kickass funeral.  So, BonBon leaves.  Enter Tyler to the tune of the song “Birthday Sex.”  (Now, THAT would have been a good soundtrack choice!)

Love Bites and Dating Dealbreakers . . .

Source

Tyler wants to talk to Caroline . . .  alone.  You see, his conversation with Klaus has taught him that he CAN, in fact say no. . .  maybe.  Of course, he’s thrilled . . . so thrilled, in fact, that he confesses his love to Caroline.  Now, they are kissing.  Now, they are humping against a tree.  Now, they are . . . BITING EACHOTHER’S NECKS????

Ruh-roh!  Apparently, some foreplay is just no longer acceptable, when you are a hybrid hooking up with a Vampire Barbie.  Caroline falls to the floor, a mixture of shock, accusation, and pain, on her face.

Gnarliest hickey ever . . . I think Tyler might need braces . . . 

To Tyler’s credit, he looks genuinely shocked at what he did.  He obeyed Klaus’ wishes after all, even though (I think) he clearly didn’t want to do so.  Now, if that ‘s not compulsion, I don’t know what is . . .

I would have liked for Tyler not to run off into the woods like a b*tch to leave Caroline dying in the forest.   But run off, he did.  In Tyler’s defense, Caroline asked him to leave.  And he DID go and get her help, which, I suspect, was also precisely what Klaus wanted him to do . . .

Meanwhile, an adorable wasted Elena and Matt tumble out of the tomb, in search of Caroline.  Just as they find her, Stefan knocks Matt unconscious, and steals Elena away, without so much as a “Happy Birthday,” to Dying Caroline.  Way to be a gentleman, ASSHAT!

Next thing we know, Stefan is speeding down the highway with a kidnapped, and super pouty, Elena.  He wants to drive her down to the bridge where they first met . . . you know, back when her parents drowned, and he rescued her?  Ahh .  . . memories.  In fact, Stefan wants to take reliving those memories all the way to the next level, by DRIVING OVER THE BRIDGE, AND DROWNING WITH ELENA . . .

Damon calls Elena for some phone sex, and is not-at-all pleased that his brother has picked up the phone.  He becomes even less pleased, when he learns what exactly Crazy!Stefan plans to do.

In an odd turn of events, Damon suddenly finds himself on the same side as Klaus.  He runs to warn his new friend, of what’s happening.  “Get rid of your hybrids, or he’s going to kill Elena,” Damon says, more or less.

“Sometimes, I wish YOU were my brother . . . you know . . . aside from the whole, leaving your siblings in coffins for 1,000’s of years . . . thing.” 

Initially, Klaus isn’t concerned.  He believes that Stefan ultimately loves Elena WAY too much to kill her.  So, therefore, he must be bluffing.  But when Klaus calls Stefan on the phone, he hears Elena’s anguished screams . . . screams which sound so very real.  Then he hears Stefan, do the one thing, that to Elena, is worse than killing her out right, he force feeds her his blood . . . the exact same action for which he attacked Damon, last season.

Now, Klaus seemed fairly certain that Stefan wouldn’t kill Elena.  But he’s much less certain he won’t turn her into a vampire, thereby making yet another Petrova Doppelganger useless as a human blood bank / hybrid making machine.  This is a HUGE deal.  After all, Klaus had to wait 500 years after Katherine turned vamp, for another opportunity to become / make hybrids.  Who knows how long he’ll have to wait next time around?

Watching Klaus cry, as he hears Elena’s screams of terror, you could almost imagine that he really does care about her, as more than  just a blood bank.  And maybe he does.  After all, Klaus has romantic history with two girls, who look exactly like Elena.  So, it’s not hard to imagine that some of that tenderness has translated over to this new doppelganger, who’s so very important to him, in so many ways.

At the last possible minute, (once Klaus agrees to get his hybrids out of Mystic Falls, of course) Stefan stops the car.  Oddly enough, despite having gone through the last few minutes with Elena, this guy seems truly confused, as to why she won’t back into the car with him.

Stefan’s speech to Elena is interesting, because it causes you to question just how much of his “No Emotions” thing, is an act, while, at the same time, illustrates just how insensitive and hard-hearted his experiences with Klaus have made him.

Source

Stefan explains to Elena that she and Damon HAD to believe that he was really going to kill her / and/ or turn her into a vampire,  to convince Klaus of the same thing.  And if all that was an act, maybe the rest of it was too.  After all, it certainly wouldn’t be the first time Stefan pretended not to care about Elena,  in order to protect her.

On the other hand, as Elena tearfully explains, Stefan traumatized her, beyond belief, by forcing her to relive the moment of her parents death.  And the fact that Stefan could make her do this, without giving so much as a thought to the mental and emotional impact it would have on her, shows him to not be the same guy with whom she fell so madly in love, a few years back.

Stefan digs the knife deeper, by telling Elena that defeating Klaus is all he has left, pointedly leaving both Damon and Elena out of that equation.  He also tells Elena that they’ve been “over,” since he left Mystic Falls, and that he doesn’t care what she thinks about him, anymore.  Of course, his facial expressions, when he says this, say otherwise.

Source 

Then, the Poopyhead drives off, leaving Elena in the middle of the road, for Damon to rescue . . . again. That’s right, boys and girls.  Stefan Salvatore is on Team Delena.  And, as awful a dude as he’s been lately, I certainly can’t fault him for that.

Speaking of Delena . . .

The Kiss Raincheck? 🙂

Throughout the hour, we’ve been waiting for Damon and Elena to address their epic liplock.  Now, fittingly enough, they get to do so, in the exact same spot, where the infamous smooch occurred.  Let’s rewatch, shall we?

I must admit, on first watch, I was disappointed that Elena rebuffed Damon’s sweet facial caresses, and soulful love eyes, with her, “You can’t kiss me again.”

Source 

I thought to myself, “Oh come on, Elena!  Stefan practically ROLLED OUT THE RED CARPET for you to give in to your desires with Damon.  Surely, you can’t be feeling guilty about it now!”

Source

But Damon’s wistful remark, about it being “right .  . . but not right now,” was true in so many ways.

Source 

It also reminded me of that little Dawson’s Creek moment, I shared with you last week.  You know, the one where Pacey told Joey that he couldn’t keep kissing her, because he’d already made his feelings known.  So, if she wanted their relationship to continue, she would have to kiss him?

In essence, I think that is what Damon and Elena are both saying to one another, here.  From Elena’s perspective, it wouldn’t be fair for her to accept another one of Damon’s mind-blowing kisses on THIS night, when her heart is so very raw, from where Stefan stamped on it.  Despite her obviously strong feelings for Damon, if she let him kiss her right now, it would be more about Stefan than it would be about Damon.  And Elena cares enough about Damon to know that he doesn’t deserve that . . .

The next time Damon and Elena kiss, it should be all about THEM, just like it was the first time.

From Damon’s perspective,  he, like a certain Pacey Witter, knows that their next kiss must be Elena-initiated.  And it needs to come at time, when Elena is finally genuinely OK with what happened between her and Stefan.  He loves and respects Elena enough to wait for that moment to come.  He’s also confident enough in her love for him, to know that it WILL come eventually . . .

Dreaming of Delena . . . 

And, if the longing look Elena gave Damon at the end of this scene, and her words to Matt at the end of the episode are any indication, that moment will probably come sooner, rather than later . . .

The Softer Side of Klaus?

Source 

Coming from a Hardcore Delena and Forwood shipper, you might be surprised to know that I found this the most fascinating moment of this episode.  It was both surprising, and, at the same time, telegraphed from the very first scene.  Most intriguing of all was the fact that Klaus’ motives for doing what he did are still not entirely certain.

Source 

On one hand, it certainly seems as though Klaus told Tyler to bite Caroline, knowing, full well that he would initially say no, and then, inadvertently end up doing it, anyway.  At first, most of us fans, probably felt that this was done to show the Scooby Gang that Klaus means business, just as the attempted murder of Jeremy did, last week.  However, on second glance, it seems more likely that Klaus only got Tyler to bite Caroline, so that he could ultimately save her.

The question is, why did he go through all this trouble to do that, for a girl with whom, up to this point, he has had little to no interaction?  Does he truly care about her as much as he seems to, in this clip?

Source 

Is it possible that Klaus feels kinship with Caroline, because both have questioned their existence, in the past?

Source 

Or maybe because she looks so much like his sister (the other Vampire Barbie), or, perhaps, like someone he once loved?  Has he coveted her all along, and merely been using Tyler to get to her?

Or, was all this merely a way, of keeping Tyler in line, by breaking him of the one person, who potentially had the power to keep him from being completely loyal?  Also, having someone, like Caroline, who is so intimately linked to Stefan’s inner circle beholden to him, certainly can’t hurt Klaus’ plans for continued Elena usage, and world domination?  The coy way, in which Klaus caresses the bracelet Tyler gave her for birthday (He ultimately gives her a much nicer, more expensive piece of jewelry, himself.) could be interpreted either way . . .

 Source

But whether you are Team Klaroline, or Team Forwood, you have to admit that these two are pretty darn sexy together . . . And here I thought death bed flirting was only hot , when Delena was doing it.  Shows, how much I know . . .

Bye, Bye Jer Bear!

After Caroline gets her bracelet, things wrap up pretty quickly.  Jeremy gets shipped off to Denver, without much fanfare.  And Bonnie, for all her complaints and hand-wringing, when it actually comes time for him to leave, merely,  hugs him goodbye.

Don’t worry, Jeremy.  You’ll be back.  The ones that don’t die ALWAYS comeback.  (Come to think of it, so do the ones that DO die . . .)

Here Lies Elena Gilbert (a.k.a. Funeral 4) . . .

We follow up this tearful Jer Bear moment, with a surprisingly sweet one between Matt and Elena on that fateful Bridge of DEATH.  Elena notes sadly that her former self might be disappointed with her current self, a girl in love with VAMPIRES (That’s right, I said “vampires” PLURAL . . .

Source

You know what that means, don’t you, DAMON?

The Matt we USED to know, would have probably agreed with Elena.  But New Matt, was much kinder, giving Old Elena a “funeral,”  so that she might be able to embrace her new crazy life, one which, though he might not fully understand, he does support,  because he  . . . wait for it  . . . wants her to be happy.

Source 

Way to go, Matt!  (I can’t believe I just typed those words . . . I must be going crazier than Stefan . . .)

Speaking of crazy . . .

Here Lies Crazy Nanny Carrie’s Victim Preppy Medical Examiner Guy . . . (a.k.a. Funeral 5)

Question: If the only Medical Examiner in town gets whacked, who gets to determine his Cause of Death? 

While Alaric proceeds to get Day Drunk with Crazy Nanny Meredith, Lizard Forbes and her once-again pal Damon go traipsing in the forest to locate yet another of Mystic Falls growing list of Dead Unimportant Characters.  This time its . . . surprise . . . Preppy Medical Examiner Guy . . . as in, the same one Crazy Nanny Meredith talked about tossing over a bridge, and the same one that Alaric publicly tussled with the night before.  He’s got a stake in his chest, the victim of one of those rare things in Mystic Falls: the HUMAN KILL.

He stole Bonnie’s nose bleed.   BASTARD! 

Do, I suspect a Crazy Nanny Meredith Murder, followed by an Alaric Saltzman frame-up, possibly to avenge the death of an odious weatherman named Logan Fell?  You bet I do!

And that was “Our Town,” in a Nutshell.  Next week, on TVD: Tyler gets chained up and naked again, Crazy Nanny Meredith shows her true colors, and Bonnie appears to be bleeding from her nasal passages again.  Hooray!  You can check out the Canadian and American trailers for this episode, entitled “The Ties that Bind,” here:

Until next time, my fellow Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

29 Comments

Filed under The Vampire Diaries

I Dream of Dead People (and DELENA KISSES!) – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The New Deal”

Welcome back, my fellow Fangbangers!  I missed you!  Heck, I missed this show!  Now, I know how Stefan feels, when he’s going through blood withdrawal . . .

All those sad, lonely, desperate Thursday nights without my TVD  . . .  it’s a wonder I didn’t completely lose my head or have Stefan chew it, or Jeremy chop it off with a meat cleaver . . . .

So, of course, this brings up the inevitable question .  . .  Was “The New Deal” worth the interminable wait . . . the sleepless nights . . . the hours spent watching Delena fanvideos on YouTube, while sitting entirely too close to my computer screen?  Survey says . . .

Well, I’ll take that as a yes! 🙂

But wait . . . before I get started on the recap . . . I think I’m forgetting something.  What could I possibly be forgetting?

Source 

Oh . . . yes . . . THAT.  Well, we will definitely be talking about THAT, soon enough.  But first, let’s get all that “other stuff” out of the way.  Shall we? 😉

“If you unbury it, he will come . . .”

We open the episode with a nice close-up shot on Bonnie, who’s dressed like she’s ready to head out for a night of clubbing.

This, of course, caused me to ponder how far away the nearest dance club is from Mystic Falls.  It’s too bad Vicki’s gone.  She would have known the answer to that question, for sure . . .

But enough about Vicki.  We’re with Bonnie, now.  Mmm-kay?  And Bonnie’s hearing The Whispers.  You know The Whispers, right?  These guys are WAY famous.  If they had an IMDB page, it would probably be longer than Robert De Niro’s.

The Whispers are always popping up in horror movies, and scary TV shows, and telling the protagonist to do BAD THINGS:  “steal that precious object,” “cheat on your wife,” “kill That Guy,” “eat more Chicken McNuggets.”

Unfortunately, here, The Whispers just want Bonnie to go into Lame Emily’s Ugly House of Dead Witchcraft and Mildew.  Bonnie obeys.  (Far be it for her to disobey The Whispers!)  She goes into the basement of the Ugly House.  There are four coffins there.  (Gee golly!  I wonder what it all means?)

It’s a nice day for a vamp funeral  . . . or four . . . 

The Whispers tell Bonnie to open one of the coffins.  (They sure can be bossy . . . those Whispers.)  And when she does .  . . well . . . you’ll never guess who’s in there!  It’s KLAUS!  And he just looks like the happiest Dead Guy ever! 

Oh, hey Bonnie!  Do you know where the bathroom is in this place?  I’ve gotta piss like a racehorse.”

He’s also wearing some seriously tacky Man Bling on his finger and neck.

“Real Men” apparently wear insanely ugly jewelry . . . 

Hey, maybe Bonnie has decided to go clubbing, after all!  She notices that Klaus’ Man Bling would look TOTALLY AWESOME with her shiny gold-plated  halter top, and black leather jacket.  Should she take them?  The Whispers say go for it!  Klaus won’t need jewelry where he’s going.

“My Preciousssss!” 

Bonnie reaches down to take the jewelry.  Bad girl!  Someone grabs her from behind.  Now, she’s really going to get it!  No one has ever stolen Man Bling from the Original Hybrid, and lived to tell the tale.  At home on the couch, TVD fans hold their breaths, awaiting her witchy demise . . .

Or not . . .

You see, Bonnie was just dreaming . .  .  But you probably already knew that, didn’t you?  You sly little fangbanger, you!

“Great, now I have to pee like a racehorse . . .” 

“Hey, Hot Soon-to-be-Headless Hybrid!  Wanna Race?”

While Bonnie’s still in Dreamland, our girl Elena is out kicking ass, and taking names.

Actually, she’s jogging.  And yet, given Elena’s track record with vampires, werewolves, hybrids and other assorted demons, I kind of think learning how to run away is a much better use of her time, don’t you think?  Of course, there’s only one problem: HUMANS CAN’T RUN AWAY FROM SUPERNATURAL CREATURES . . .

“Doh!”

Speaking of the aforementioned OBVIOUS premise, I think it’s kind of funny that, after finishing her 5K race, or, however, long it is that our girl jogs, Elena looks at her stop watch, and gives herself a mental pat on the back for her improved speed.

You can almost hear her saying in her head.  “I finished in 25 minutes.  That’s 30 seconds faster than last time!  That means I should now be able to run a full 30 seconds, before whatever vampire is chasing me that week chews my legs off . . . or whatever . .  .

Elena’s self-congratulatory mood is short-lived however, because someone is jogging behind her.  He’s kind of hot .  . . but not Damon hot,  or Tyler hot . . . just normal run-of-the-mill hot.  He is also wearing the Blue Hoodie of Death, and has Senseless Kill of the Week written all over him.

“Hey . . . is that guy looking at my ass?  He better not be looking at my ass.”

Elena knows that none of these things are good signs.  She starts to panic.  But maybe she’s just being paranoid?   He could just be a Random Running Guy, right?  Elena breathes a sigh of relief.

Then, she remembers what television show she’s on, and starts running like hell . . .

At home, we’re counting the seconds before This Guy goes into warp speed and chews off Elena’s legs.  But he just keeps following her at regular speed . . . no . . . scratch that . . . slow speed  . . . Elena’s kicking his ass.  This guy’s a chump!

And then . . . like that . . . he’s gone.

So, you can imagine Elena’s surprise when he comes back again IN THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE DIRECTION from where we last saw him.  He bumps into Elena on purpose, while mumbling apologies about how he should really watch where he’s going.

“Has anybody ever told you that you have a great ass?” 

At this point, Foster the People’s “Pumped Up Kicks” starts playing in my head, “All the other kids with the pumped up kicks, you better run, run, run, out-run my hybrid . . .”

That’s how the song goes, isn’t it?

Three Cheers for the Klaus-ageddon!

Later, at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Bonnie and Elena are swapping stories about their CRAZZZY mornings.

Source

I just keep wondering where Caroline is during all this?  Don’t they realize that Caroline’s boyfriend just became Gay for Klaus, and she’s in an Extremely Vulnerable State, right now?  They couldn’t have asked her to come along for their little breakfast session?  HOW RUUUUUDE!

“Don’t mess with me.   I eat girls like you for breakfast.  No . . . seriously . . . for breakfast this morning, I ate a girl that looked just like you.” 

Speaking of rude, Bonnie, who has NO TACT, WHATSOEVER, decides that this is the perfect time to bring up He Who Shall No Longer Be Named, a.k.a. Stefan.  “He betrayed us.  The Stefan we know is gone,” replies Elena, in a voice that says, “Keep on this subject, and I’ll start asking you about Luka.  Remember him, Bon-Bon?”

By the way, did you all notice how Elena said “us”  . .  . as in “Damon and I are an “us” now.  Get used to it?”  Because, I certainly did. 😉

Speaking of Damon, I think it’s adorable (in a highly dysfunctional way) that my TV Boyfriend is such a raging alcoholic that the bartender basically puts an entire shelf full of liquor in front of him, so that he can mix his own drinks at his leisure, despite the fact that it’s probably about 11 a.m. in TVD-land .  . .

Damon’s kind of bummed though, because Boy Toy Alaric is being a TOTAL kill joy, and not drinking with him.   LAME!  So, Damon tries to entice him . . . first with his baking skills (“I’ve got a screw driver, and a bloody mary.  It’s brunch in a bottle”), and then with his sexual wiles (“Let’s get naked.”)

Come on, Chunky Monkey!  Don’t be such a stick-in-the-mud.  Get naked with your bromantic buddy.  It’s not like we all haven’t seen it before . . .

But alas, Alaric is in no mood for sex games with Damon.  He’s seriously bummed out, because he had to fail Jeremy on a plagiarized history paper.  Damn!  That’s cold.  I thought the whole point of having a history teacher as your pseudo dad is so you can get straight A’s?

Apparently, Alaric is skulking at the bar, in order to perform his first of many interventions on his errant not-so-son (seriously, the Scooby Gang must have spent at least ten minutes during this hour Waiting for Jeremy), as soon as the latter arrives at work.  Not so fast, No Longer Alchy-ric!  Sexy Female Bartender says Jer Bear got canned from The Only Bar / Social Establishment weeks ago.

Ruh-roh!  I guess this means Matt Donovan is going to have to go back to being the Only Waiter at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls again . .  .There goes your social life, Matty Boy!

But don’t worry.  You still have your sister and your mom to hang out with . . . oh . . . wait . . . never mind . . .

“Let’s get drunk and shoot some stuff . . .”

Speaking of Naughty!Jeremy, he’s out in the woods with Tyler, boning drinking cheap beer, and shooting stuff with crossbows.  (How very hillbilly of them!)

“Hey Ty, after this, are you up for some cow-tipping?”

Much like the rest of us, Jeremy wonders out loud, why Tyler is suddenly so interested in hanging out with him, considering that the two of them have had virtually nothing to do with one another, since that time back in Season 2, where Tyler’s dad just died, and Jer Bear and Ty-Ty discovered that they both liked to draw supernatural creatures, drink booze, and screw slutty soon-to-be-dead girls . . .

Tyler responds that “Since you are leaving the show for a while,  the writers thought it might be nice to throw those much-neglected Team Jyler fans a mildly homoerotic bone, while they still could.  “I’m pissed at Caroline, and Bonnie dumped your ass . . . the point is to get drunk and shoot stuff.”

Oh Tyler!  How you slay me with your eloquent wordsmith-ery!  It almost makes me forget that you are about to RUIN THIS POOR BOY’S LIFE, FOREVER . . . almost.

Now, don’t even try looking at me with those puppy dog eyes of yours. Because it’s just not going to work . . . 

Jeremy instructs Tyler to get out of the way, since he’s drunk and is about to “shoot stuff,” just like Tyler said.  But Tyler’s all, “Heyyyy . . .  I’m a hybrid.  Why not shoot me?  Come on!  I know you wanna!”

Is it just me, or is Tyler particularly screencappable today?  It’s almost as if becoming a hybrid has provided him with an entirely new range of facial expressions to try out . . . 

In the first of many Helpful Hybrid Tips Tyler reveals throughout the episode, Vampy Teen Wolf explains that the only way to really kill a hybrid is to chop off it’s head, while it’s unconscious.  Good to know . . .

Jeremy then shoots Tyler with the crossbow, and Tyler catches it.  Bo-ring!  I thought he was going to deflect it with his Massive Muscular Man Chest.  Maybe next time . . .

Elena ponders the Epic Question that has plagued fangirl bloggers for years:  What is Damon Salvatore’s Most Attractive Look?

“Oops . . . I cockblocked again.” 

Back at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, a slightly slurry but still maddenly gorgeous Damon has told Elena about Jeremy’s little Work Mishap, in between his fifth shot of scotch, and his second round of darts.  (Fortunately, the drinks haven’t negatively impacted his aim or, as we will see soon enough, his pick-up lines.)

“If I’m this good at hitting a bullseye with a dart, just imagine how good I might be at locating other sensitive areas.”

Mama Elena, of course, is “very, very disappointed in Jer Bear,” and has been leaving increasingly frantic phone messages on his cell phone, as a result.  Damon, however, seems completely unfazed.  He tries to calm Elena down, by reminding her that Jeremy is a teenager . . . and that being sullen and sometimes irresponsible is simply what teens do.

“Elena, you seem so tense.  I hereby renew the request I made earlier to Alaric, that we all get naked.  I’ll go first.” 

(I always find it interesting how much the rest of the Scooby Gang is constantly noting how young and impressionable Jeremy is, when he’s really only two years younger than Elena.  After all, 16-years old, isn’t exactly a toddler, especially when you consider that Elena, herself, was just a year older than that, when the series started.  The issue of Jeremy’s “youth” will come into play again, later on in the episode.   So, stay tuned . . .)

Funny . . . he doesn’t look like he needs a diaper change . . .

Even when Damon seems carefree and tipsy, he’s always looking out for Elena, and trying to make her feel better about the admittedly horrible situations in which she seems to find herself on a nearly daily basis.  He does this by lifting her spirits with flirty humor, and comforting words, disguised as nonchalant banter.  It’s only when Elena’s truly distraught, that he allows himself to get serious with her, and let his true feelings show, as we will see later in the episode  . . .

Elena is always looking out for Damon too . . . She just does it in a more obvious way.   I like how Elena sees Damon joking around, and looking seemingly drunk and happy, but instinctively knows that he is smarting from his brother’s betrayal, while still missing him terribly, and hiding all this pain behind glibness and false bravado.  “Are you OK?”  She asks him, her brows furrowed, and her eyes filled with obvious concern (among other things) for this beautiful vampire.

Are you OK because I don’t want you to be too drunk to ravish me in your bedroom, after we make out, later tonight?”

But Damon is no fool.  He has no desire to rehash the Stefan Salvatore Saga with the woman he loves.  And he’s much too selfless, at least when it comes to her, to bring her down, by recounting his own personal woes.  Instead, he uses this as an opportunity for flirtation.

Damon confidently strolls into Elena’s personal space, and inquires which of his many looks she finds the most attractive, since she admitted that his Drunken Frat Vampire visage isn’t her “favorite.”  Flustered, Elena quickly counters that she doesn’t necessarily find any of his looks attractive.   However, the way she’s staring at his lips, and pawing at his chest, when she says it, makes me think that, even as she denies it, Elena is mentally perusing a catalogue of her favorite Damon Looks, in order to choose the most erotic one.

“Pick ME, Elena . . . pick ME!”

Now, I’m no mind reader, of course.  But my guess is that THIS is the look she ultimately chose . . .

As with most sexy Delena moments, this one gets cockblocked by Klaus, who seems to be enjoying the Delena Show just as much as the rest of us.  “Don’t mind me,” he says with a smirk, as he approaches the Dartboard of Looooooove . . .

Source 

“Damon, my brother . . . you better hit that, soon.  Because if you don’t, I will . . .”

Klaus hasn’t shown up alone, though.  He’s got his good pal The Soon-to-be-Headless Hybrid with him . . .  Soon-to-be-Headless has a name, apparently.  It’s “Tony.”  I’m just choosing not to remember it.  (I mean, why bother, right?)  Damon’s left nipple has had more screen time than this guy will ever have on TVD . . .  He did have a cute head, though . . .

“Coincidentally, Damon’s left nipple also happens to be named ‘Tony.'”

As always, Klaus has a special request for his favorite couple.  He wants them to help him find his  sister, and Grave Robbing Stefan.  If they do that, he’ll be a good little Mystic Falls neighbor, and leave them alone . . . well . . . at least until he needs Elena’s blood again to make more hybrid minions.  Something tells me he’ll have at least one less of those by the end of the episode . . .

“Damn you, MURDEROUS MEAT CLEAVER!  DAMN YOUUUUUU!” 

As for Elena, she has absolutely no interest in getting in the middle of the b*tch fight between her ex-boyfriend, and his new boyfriend . . .

That sounds to me like a Klaus and Stefan Problem,” Elena says smartly.  (Damon’s right.  She does get feisty, when she’s angry.)

Klaus, however, considers himself way too important to get himself sassed by a mere human.  He moves closer to her, in order to show her who’s boss.  But then THIS happens . . .

That’s right, boys and girls, Damon shoulders his way between Klaus and Elena, and gives Klaus THE STARE.  Watch out Bad Ass Damon . . . your chivalry is showing!

One of my favorite Klaus moments in the episode was when he giggled at Damon’s obvious show of affection for Elena.  I know that part of him sees this as a weakness of Damon’s that he can exploit.  But I strongly suspect that another part of him just sees it as really hot . . .

“This is me broadening the scope,” responds Klaus to Elena’s retort, before exiting stage left.

Well played you adorable, curly-haired, villain, you!

Somebody call an interior decorator (or an exorcist) . . .

Elsewhere, Bonnie return to Lame Emily’s Ugly House of Witchcraft and Mildew .  . . a.k.a. home of The Whispers.  Honestly, you would think that a house inhabited by a bunch of ghostly witches would be more aesthetically pleasing.  The resale value must be next to nada.  HGTV would most definitely not approve.

Behold . . . a house that only a dead person could love. 

Bonnie is only mildly surprised to learn that Stefan (who’s still looking all cold and Ripper-y, despite his recent de-compulsion by Klaus) has been living here.  Quite a step down from La Casa de Rich and Awesome, I’d say!  Not to mention the fact that he used to share a mansion with one person.  Now he’s sharing a two-bedroom colonial with four staked Originals, and a bunch of dead witches, who are perpetually on the rag . . .

“Damon, let me move back in and I promise I will never make fun of your massive bath soap collection again.” 

Stefan wants Bonnie to  use a spell to help keep the coffins hidden from Klaus.  Bonnie is uncertain she has enough nosebleeds left in her to do this . . .

It’s Time for Hybrids 101, with your Trusty Professor, Tyler Hotpants . . .

Back at the Gilbert house, Alaric and Elena are waiting in the kitchen to attempt their second Jer Bear intervention.  But when Jeremy finally arrives home, he’s all “Not without My Tyler.”  Suddenly, Mr. Gay for Klaus, himself, has been invited inside the Gilbert home.  And guess who’s sticking around for dinner?

“Hey, do you mind if I use your neck for a few seconds?  I haven’t fed all day.” 

Clearly speaking for the TVD fandom, Alaric wonders out loud what exactly the difference is between being Klaus’ “sire” and doing everything he says, and being compelled to do whatever Klaus says . . .

“Yes Master, I will absolutely color coordinate with you, the next time we go out to pick up chicks.” 

At first, Tyler is actually pretty convincing in his support of siring.  Tyler explains that he “obeys” Klaus, because he feels indebted to him for saving him from a life of painful monthly transformations, and, of course, mortality.  He also assures the Gilbert clan that he’s still his own man, and can disobey Klaus whenever he feels like it.  It’s kind of like a crack junkie, who says, “I can stop whenever I want. I just choose not to do so.”

But as convincing as Tyler’s initial arguments might have been, he shoots himself in the foot by admitting that he would rip his heart out of his chest, if Klaus asked him nicely to do it . . .

So, let me get this straight, Ty-Ty. You are forever indebted to Klaus for saving your life .  . . so indebted, in fact, that if he asked you to KILL YOURSELF, you would do it?  I don’t know . . .  that sounds a heck of a lot like compulsion to me . . .

Oh, and Tyler?  Elena and Alaric are TOTALLY judging you, now . . .

Damon finds a new drinking buddy . . .

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Klaus has just let himself in, completely uninvited.  By now, the whole notion that this house is owned by Elena, and therefore, no one can be invited in, unless she says so, has been completely forgotten in TVD land.  Damon might as well open a Bed-in-Breakfast, considering all the supernatural creatures, who come and go as they please.  They don’t call it the Salvatore Boarding House, for nothing . . .

Klaus has come to drink with Damon, flirt with him shamelessly, b*tch about Stefan, and,  of course, re-issue his offer to stop cock blocking Damon and Elena, and killing off their friends, provided the couple help him locate his pretty little coffins.  Unfortunately for Klaus, Damon would probably respond much better to compulsion than flirtation, as he seems to be the only male character on this show who’s completely immune to the Original Hybrid’s unique charms.

But Klaus can’t compel Damon, because Damon’s been drinking vervain.  So, instead the Big Bad Vamp metaphorically waves his weiner at his younger nemesis, by making a Mysterious Phone Call, in which he instructs SOMEONE to do SOMETHING he told them to do earlier . . .

SPPOOOOOKKKYYY . .  .

Always look both ways before crossing the street (or responding to a hypnotic phone call) . . .

In a scene that is extremely reminiscent of the one from Plan B, in which Katherine compelled Useless Aunt Jenna by phone to stab herself in the chest, after dinner, we see Jeremy in the corner, engaged in a clandestine conversation.  After he hangs up the phone, Jeremy sits back at the kitchen table, as if nothing happened.

But moments later, when Mama Elena and Papa Alaric stupidly turn their back on Jeremy to wash dishes, and make fun of Tyler, and his silly Sire-y Ways, Jer Bear takes off his Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality and walks out into the street, looking like the Hottest Zombie Ever!

He then dazedly stands in the middle of the road and waits for a car to come and run him over into oblivion.  Now, last I checked, Elena lives in a suburban development, where the speed limit in front of her house is probably a whopping 25 mph.  You would think, at that slow speed, someone might notice a teenage boy standing in the middle of the road, like a moron.

Death Car for Cutie 

A-ha!  But Klaus took care of that too!  Because, sure enough Busy Bee, Soon-to-be Headless Hybrid is cruising on the street at about 90 mph.  (Annnnd . . . now we know why Jeremy had to take off his ring.  If a HUMAN drove the car into him, the ring wouldn’t save him.  But because Soon-to-be Headless did it, it’s considered a Supernatural Death.  Well, technically, the compulsion is supernatural too and . . . nevermind.)

Source 

Fortunately, Alaric, who, as we all know, has been holding on to the Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality that Uncle / Father John gave Elena, back in “The Hybrid,” jumps in front of the car just in time to push Jeremy out of the way.  The good news is that he saves Jeremy’s life . . .

The bad news is that Alaric is dead .  . . for now .  . .

Source

In a rather unnecessary “I told you so,” moment, Elena informs a very shaken-up Jeremy that (1) he’s been compelled by Klaus to kill himself; and (2) his so-called good buddy Tyler has only been hanging out with him, so that he could compel him off vervain.  Way to rub salt in the wound, Elena . . .

Like the compelled suicide attempt itself, this aspect of Klaus’ plan is also similar to Katherine’s from “Plan B.”  If you recall, Katherine posed as Elena,  in order to get Jenna to stop taking vervain . . .

Source 

So, while Klaus gets an “A” for deviousness.  He gets a “C” for originality.  Sorry, Original Hybrid!

Elsewhere, Klaus is busy building his future Mystic Falls home, (which, honestly, I thought would be much bigger), when Tyler arrives MORALLY OUTRAGED by what Klaus almost succeeded in doing to Jeremy, and the part he played in it.  (Seriously, Tyler, you made the dude stop taking vervain, in the service of someone who HATES his family.  What exactly did you think was going to happen?)

Klaus calmly tells Tyler, more or less, to man-up.  (hybrid-up?)  “You need to get over your conscience.  Human life is a means to an end,” Papa Bear explains patronizingly to Baby Bear.

I love how Klaus refers to a “conscience” as something you can simply “get over,” like a head cold, or a bad stomach flu . . .

Meanwhile, back at the Gilbert house, Damon has, once again, come to Elena’s aid.  “How’s [Alaric]?”  He asks, with obvious concern for his bromantic drinking buddy.

“He’s still dead,” replies Elena conversationally.

If you recall, the first few times Alaric died, wearing his ring, he came back to life, within mere minutes.  But, back in “Disturbing Behavior,” when Damon killed him, it seemed to take at least an hour.  This time, Alaric is dead for multiple hours, and experiences additional complications that I will address in just a bit.  No word yet, on why Alaric’s ring seems to be offering it’s wearing increasingly diminishing returns.  Perhaps, even when it comes to Magical Rings, there’s a limit to how many “Get Out of Death Free” cards, a person is entitled to use . . .

 ‘This is depressing . . . I need another drink.”

Leaving Alaric to . . . um . . .  rest in peace, Damon and Elena discuss their respective plans to finally rid Klaus from their lives for good.  Elena wants to return Rebekah to Klaus, so that he can undagger her.  But Damon won’t hear of it.  He hates the idea of Rebekah seeking vengeance against Elena, considering that Elena is the one who staked her, in the first place.  As for Damon’s plan, he wants to give Klaus back his precious coffins, if only he knew where they were . .  .

Remembering Bonnie’s dream, Elena thinks she knows exactly where to look, and calls Bonnie to confirm . . .

But before Elena and Damon can head off on their Next Big Kill Klaus Plan, Little Bro Jer has some haunting parting words for them both: “None of us are going to make it out of here alive,” he warns.

(By the end of the episode, of course, we know that for certain, that Jeremy’s words aren’t entirely true, considering that ONE person gets out of Mystic Falls, very much alive.  But could this possibly be a foreshadowing of Elena eventually being turned into a vampire?  Stay tuned .  . .)

Over the River and Through the Woods . . .

So, remember last season, when Damon tried to enter Lame Emily’s Ugly House of Witchcraft and Mildew, for the first time?

Well, apparently, female witches are quite good at holding grudges, because they are still up to their same shenanigans, when Damon tries to enter the house, this time.  My only question is, why are they still so Pro Stefan, especially considering what a major douche he’s become, of late . . .

At first, Damon waits outside, while Elena tries to talk some sense into Stefan.  “Bonnie sucks at keeping secrets,” Stefan pouts, when Elena admits to knowing exactly why Stefan is there and what he’s doing.

I’ll admit, I’m a bit shocked when Elena tells Stefan that Klaus will KILL Jeremy, if he doesn’t put an end to this vendetta, and Stefan barely bats an eyelash.  “That’s not my problem,” he says callously.

WOW!  Even Compelled Zombie Ripper Stefan wasn’t this cold!  Considering that Stefan claims to be doing all this to save his own brother, you would think he would be more sympathetic to Elena’s desire to do the exact same thing.  I’m glad when she finally slaps him.  He’s had that one coming to him for quite awhile, now . . .

Source 

Having heard everything that went on inside Ugly House, Damon grabs hold of Elena’s hand to comfort her over what she’s just endured.  “You deal with your brother, and I’ll deal with mine,” Damon assures Elena, sweetly, offering her that sad half smile, he seems to reserve exclusively for her . . .

Source

“Cutthroat and Devious.”

Fighting the torturous sunburn he’s getting, Damon rushes into the house to talk to Stefan . . . and, of course, by “talk” I mean “beat up.”  I kind of feel like Damon and Stefan fight with one another the way other brothers hug, or give eachother Manly Back Pats.  And when they stake one another, it’s like their own super secret handshake . . .

During the fighting, grunting, staking, and de-staking, Damon cleverly manages to throw his brother out of the Ugly Witch House, before he starts to look like a cast member on the Jersey Shore.  But before they can discuss anything else, Damon has one question he’s been dying to ask his brother since before the hiatus, namely: “Why didn’t you just let Mikael kill Klaus, Ya MORON?”

“I did it to save YOU,” Stefan admits in a way that is surprisingly sheepish, and heartfelt, especially considering the icy way he dealt with Elena earlier.

Source 

Elena is absolutely right.  Damon truly is the key to Stefan’s humanity.  Right now, he’s the only one to whom the latter is willing to show that he still has it.  Honestly, the whole fight scene was kind of hilarious (yet oddly sexy), as was Damon’s occasional bratty remarks,  like “No wayyyyyy,” and “STOP SAVING ME!”

Once they are done trying to temporarily kill one another, Damon and Stefan eventually come to a truce.  “In order to defeat Klaus, you need to be cutthroat and devious,” Damon explains to his little brother.  “I am so much better at that than you.”

Stefan does not necessarily disagree.  The brothers ultimately agree that they  will work together (along with Bonnie) to keep the coffins from Klaus, provided Elena has no part in their plan.

*insert girly growling noises here* 

It’s nice to know that Stefan still has some concern for Elena’s well being.  And it’s interesting to see how, now, the shoe is on the other foot.  Back in “Rose,” Damon compelled Elena to forget his love declaration for her, because he thought that Stefan was “better for her.”

Now, it’s Stefan who’s keeping his distance from Elena, and continuously pushing her away, at least partly, because he knows that Damon will love and protect her, no matter what . . .

As for the coffins, they’ve been hiding in the Ugly Witch House the entire time, only becoming visible when the witches want them to be seen.  (Well, at least there’s ONE person those vengeful witches seem to hate more than Damon .  . . Klaus).  Toward the end of the episode, Bonnie notes that if The Whispers are right, one, in particular, will be the key to Klaus’ undoing.  It’s the fourth coffin, the only one that DOESN’T contain an Original Family Member within it.  Could this coffin be the one that houses the First Petrova?

Everything Comes to a Head . . . Literally

They say that the definition of “stupidity” is doing the same thing multiple times, and continuing to expect different results.  That was exactly what I thought about, when I saw Jeremy once again trying to shoot Tyler with a crossbow, and Tyler once again, catching it.  I don’t know.  Perhaps, this was just Jeremy’s unique way of “breaking up” with Tyler.  No more sex in the champagne room for these two!

Nonetheless, Tyler still obviously has enough of a soul, and independent spirit to want Jeremy stay alive.  And for that reason, Tyler warned him that he should stay in his house, because Klaus wasn’t finished with him yet . . .

Back at the Gilbert House, Alaric is FINALLY coming back to life .  .  . That’s the “good news.”  The bad news is that he’s coughing up blood, and somehow still near death’s door.  Apparently, while the Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality has kept his heart beating, it hasn’t bothered to cure his injuries, thereby making it the Lazy Ass Ring of Immortality.

At this rate, a friggin crossbow would be more effective at protecting Alaric than his ring . . . 

A frantic Elena calls the ambulence.  But by the time they arrive, someone else is there compelling them to leave.   Surprise!  It’s Soon-to-be-Headless Hybrid!  Seriously, Klaus?  Again?  This is like on that show Punk’d, when all the pranks starred that same Dax guy for about five seasons, and Ashton Kutcher wondered why suddenly none of the celebrities were being fooled anymore.  If Klaus supposedly has all these fabulous sired hybrids, why the heck does he keep using this same one?

“Howdy . . .” 

Anywhoo . . . Soon-to-be-Headless tells Elena that, now that the ambulence is gone, Alaric’s only shot at survival is to invite the hybrid inside, and let Alaric drink his blood.  I guess this would make Alaric a plain-old vampire, since only Klaus, himself, could make hybrids, and Alaric was never a werewolf.  Elena seems torn, having been in a not-entirely-different situation to Alaric herself,  not long ago.

Fortunately, however, she doesn’t have to make that choice for Alaric, because Soon-To-Be-Headless was just crossbowed.  That’s right. Jeremy is BACK, baby!  But wait, he hasn’t finished with the hybrid yet.  Striding into the house, like it’s no big THANG, Jeremy reemerges on the porch with a meat cleaver and hacks off Now-Actually-Headless’s skull, as easily as if he’s cutting through butter.

Now, admittedly, this is not the most realistic rendition of a decapitation.  In real life, Jeremy would probably have to spend an hour methodically chipping at this guy’s neck, to get through the skin alone.  But that’s OK.  Because, while this may have been the fakest Head Chop EVER, it was also the sexiest.  I mean, can you imagine getting turned on by decapitation?  I can . . . now!  Heck, even the blood splatters on Jeremy’s face, upon finishing the job are hot!

They look kind of like freckles . . .

Elena doesn’t necessarily think so, though.  She’s choking back tears . . . not necessarily because she gives two sh*ts about Now-Actually-Headless Hybrid.  Nope, she’s merely mourning the loss of Jeremy’s innocence.  Oh honey, you forget that Jeremy once dated Vicki Donovan.  I hate to break it to you, Big Gilbert, but that Innocence Ship sailed away a LOOOOONG time ago . . .

Paging, Dr. Fell . . .

At the hospital, Alaric’s doctor is Crazy Nanny Carrie from One Tree Hill.  No, I’m sorry, I mean, Psychotic B*tch Sister Melissa from Pretty Little Liars.  OMG, how am I supposed to trust this woman, when every single solitary role she takes, her character ends up being a totally evil wackadoo.  (She’s also Paul Wesley’s real-life wife.  Go figure!)