You are What You Bury – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Surface Tension”

“I think we can work this out, kids!  YOU don’t tell the police about the murder weapon buried in our backyard.  And I won’t tell Mom that everytime you two SAY you are ‘playing Scrabble’ in Spencer’s bedroom, you are really having loud, raucous sex.”

Hello, my Pretties!  If we’ve learned one thing on Pretty Little Liars it’s that episodes featuring shirtless guys will inevitably be better than episodes without them nothing stays buried forever.  In fact, in Rosewood, it seems that the deeper you bury your darkest secret, the more likely it is to rise to the surface, and bite you in the bum.  So, hold on to your hockey sticks, folks; and put your pimped out, illegal cell phones on vibrate, because it’s time to start the recap . . .

Would you like “A” candy?

(I’m guessing the little pig stuffed animal was intended for Poor Hanna.  Any guesses as to what the other animal is, and what it has to do with Emily?)

The episode begins with the girls gathered in Hanna’s household.  And guess what they are doing?  SURPRISE!  They are recapping the last episode for you!   How annoying . . . I mean, seriously, isn’t this what the “Previously On Pretty Little Liars” segment of the show is supposed to do? helpful and considerate of them.

The foursome gossips about A’s recent dastardly derailment of A’s fashion show tribute.  They also continue to conjecture that “A” might be torturing them, not just for the fun of it, but because he or she killed Ali, and wants to ensure the girls’ silence, if and when the killer’s identity is revealed.  I don’t know.  If I killed someone, and didn’t want certain people to find out about it, I probably wouldn’t be SENDING THEM MESSAGES EVERYDAY!  But, hey, that’s just me . . .

Also, this week, we learn that Emily and Hanna are not only sharing the same HOUSE, until school lets out for the summer, they are also apparently sharing the same BEDROOM.

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When asked about this, the girls slough it off with lame (not to mention, highly convenient) excuses about “burst pipes,” but we all know the REAL reason they are sleeping together, don’t we?  *hint, hint, wink, wink* Let the onslaught of Hanna / Emily slash fanfiction begin!

Unfortunately, this Pretty Little Lovefest is interrupted by a knock on the door.  Hanna answers.  And lo and behold!  It’s a Special Delivery from “A” SHOCKER!  Here’s what the note on the card says . . .

Sometimes, I feel like “A” needs to get a life of her (his?) own, and stop stalking the girls like it’s his or her job.  But, hey, if she (or he) did that, we probably wouldn’t have a show, now would we?

Study Buddies and Shady Dealings

EMILY:  “Umm . . . Hanna, I don’t think we should be watching your parents having sex.”

HANNA:  “Why not?  This will give me so much more to talk about, during therapy!”

As two only children, Hanna and Emily aren’t exactly people who are used to sharing a space.  So, of course, it doesn’t take long at all for the new roomies to start getting on one another’s nerves.  First Brown Noser Emily has to go and make Hanna look like a sucky daughter / lazy person, by cooking the family a fancy schmancy omelette breakfast, and not-so-casually remarking that she did it after heading out for her “morning run.”

“I’m so glad you enjoyed the omelette, Ms. Marin.  You can find the recipe for it at I’mBetterThanHanna.Com”

As someone who is not at all a morning person, myself, I can certainly relate to Hanna’s jealousy / frustration.  Oh, you should also know that Emily is clutching her back, and rubbing her neck throughout most of this episode.  Under normal circumstances we would say this is simply because she probably slept funny the night before.  However, on PLL, this is what we call “foreshadowing” . . .

While walking into school, Hanna overhears her new boyfriend on the phone with some dude who didn’t pay Caleb for “pimping out his phone.”  To be honest, I’m not exactly sure what that means.  Did he make it so that the perv could call 1-900 sex number, for free?  Did he get the guy tons of free iPhone apps, you’d normally have to pay for?  Did he bedazzle it with lots of red glitter and heart stickers?  Well, whatever he did, DUDE didn’t pay.  And Caleb is PISSED!

“I’m PISSED!” 

The problem, of course, is that you can’t really sue someone for not paying you to help them break the law.  So, Caleb will probably have to resort to other means of collecting payment . . . like putting a horse’s head in the deadbeat’s bed, or putting hair removal bleach in his shampoo, or forcing him to listen to Blind Jenna play the flute, for hours on end . . .

I get the chills just thinking about it . . .

Hanna is a bit concerned about Caleb’s “underground business,” because it makes her feel like in, 15 years, Caleb will be in jail, and she will be a reality star on Mob Wives: Rosewood Edition.  However, she wants to make sure she’s still seen as “the cool girlfriend,” so she doesn’t say much.  Besides, it could be worse!  He could be getting paid by someone to steal her virginity in a tent.  Oh, wait . . . he already did that . . .

Did I mention some dude is stalking Caleb with his car, outside the school?  Note to Caleb:  Next time you “pimp out” a phone, you might want to make it double as a gun.  Because, something tells me you’re going to need it . . .

Back at home, Emily is trying to study, and rubbing her neck some more (See? FORESHADOWING!).  However, she’s finding it incredibly difficult to concentrate, with Hanna SINGING AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS . . .

(Note:  This is actually the second time in two weeks, that Hanna’s been shown bopping out to a song on her iPod, and it sounded so much fun that I wanted to download it onto MY iPod, immediately after watching.  This song was called “Smash It” by Zowie.  YAY, for product placement!)

So, she does THIS . . .

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(WARNING:  Flying Mr. Bear is a trained professional in the art of Guerilla Warfare on Hanna Singing.  DO NOT try this at home . . .)

Having completely given up on doing her homework, Emily decides to go all Dr. Phil on Hanna, by asking her how dating a crook “makes her feel.”  In response, Hanna does the teenage equivalent of putting her fingers in her ear an going “Na-na, na-na, na-nah!  I can’t HEAR YOU!”  In other words, he puts her iPod headphones back on . . .

The next night, Emily decides to go to the library to study, which Hanna thinks is ridiculous, because . . . you know . . . libraries . . . EW!  Hanna prefers to study in the mall, and buy “study,” I mean “shoplift.”

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“No, it’s a Brain Thing.”

These were probably my favorite two lines of dialogue in the entire episode.   And the FACE Hanna makes when she asks about the “Gay Thing” is priceless!

For about two seconds, Hanna seems hurt by Emily’s decision to leave her for those smelly old books.  But then Caleb stops by, and it’s like, “Emily who?”

 

“Is that a bedazzled cell phone in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”

Caleb REALLY DOES seem to want Hanna to be the Carmella Soprano to his Tony.  So, once again, he starts making phone calls for his illegal enterprise in Hanna’s room, when he should be doing something more productive with his time, like, oh .  . . I don’t know . . . having wild and crazy sex homework?  Hanna, who is already practicing to be the perfect housewife in training, plays the classic Wifey Trick on her new boyfriend.  “I’m not judging you for what you do, I’m just. . .  concerned,” Hanna says, in a way that makes it SO OBVIOUS that she is TOTALLY judging him.

“I REALLY, REALLY want to talk about it.  PLEASE, PLEASE ASK ME I don’t want to talk about it.” 

An annoyed Caleb claims he “doesn’t want to talk about it,” which is obviously Total B.S., since he INSISTS on flaunting his “phone business” in front of Hanna, pretty much any chance he gets.  So, she subtly threatens Caleb, that if he DOESN’T talk about his crimes, she will be forced to extol for him the many virtues of HAIR WEAVES . .  .

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the most ‘unbe-weave-able’ one of all?”

Like a Prisoner of War faced with having his private parts placed in a vice grip, Caleb starts telling Hanna ALL ABOUT the Car Stealing Gang he used to run with.  Eventually, these guys became too intense for him, and he bailed.  So, in other words, Hanna should be happy that his only crime now is helping teens get free porn on their iPods, because it could be SO much worse.  Hanna reluctantly agrees, because, as she tells Emily later.  She’s just SOOOO happy, he came back for her, after the whole “Male Prostitute Fiasco.”

“That Caleb . . . he’s such a stand-up guy . . . someone who was willing to give up the opportunity to have PAID sex with me, in order to have FREE sex with me.  *sigh*  My hero!”

Of course, the problem is that the dude watching Caleb and Hanna chatting outside the school is SO OBVIOUSLY part of the gang Caleb abandoned.  My advice to Hanna:  Enjoy Caleb’s flawless face while it lasts, because if I know anything about gangs, someone’s about to break that pretty mug into about a million pieces . .  .

Oh, did I mention that Hanna and Emily got to watch Hanna’s drunk parents fondle one another on the staircase?  Well . . . now I have!

 Remember when Mama Marin did this to Deputy Douchey in the Pilot Episode?  Sounds like Girlfriend needs to learn a little lesson in “impulse control.”  They call it “GET A ROOM” for a reason, Ashley!”

Meanwhile, in Arialand . . .

Two is Company, Three is Sexy, Four is a STEAL . . .

Poor Aria!  It must be so hard to have two insanely gorgeous men in your living room, hitting on you, at the EXACT SAME TIME!

Good NEWS!  Aria’s Parents are having a “Aren’t You Glad We’re Still Together, Even Though Byron was Caught Screwing his Student not too Long Ago” Get Together at the house!  And guess who’s invited?  THIS GUY!

But that’s not all!  Aria’s parents are also inviting THIS GUY . . .

Unfortunately, it’s not a “Clothing Optional” kind of party . . .

By the way, I love how, aside from Aria’s two boyfriends, and the one random couple with the baby, Mama and Papa Montgomery seemingly didn’t have any other people to invite to their little clambake.  I mean, that’s strange right? Mama Montgomery invited Facelift Jason, because she felt bad about what happened to his Mom at his fashion show, but, apparently, not bad enough to ACTUALLY invite his Mom.

“Hey, don’t look at me. I’m just as high confused as you are.”

Papa Montgomery invited Fitzy, because he felt like Fitzy didn’t have any other teacher friends at Hollis.  And yet, apparently, Papa Montgomery doesn’t have any “teacher friends” at Hollis either except for the former student he banged, because Fitzy is the only faculty member he ended up inviting.  Heck, the Montgomery’s couldn’t even get their OWN son to come to their party . . .

Hey!  Look!  Mike stole that off of somebody’s car!  Maybe he’s part of Caleb’s old Gang!

You know, if you think about it, half the people at the Montgomery were only there for a chance to enter Aria’s panties .  . . To say otherwise, would be like saying that people watch PORN for the cinemotography . . .  I’ll admit, I laughed quite a bit, when Mama Montgomery noted that Aria should “get used to calling Fitzy, Ezra.”  Ha!  At this point in their relationship, “Ezra” is probably the TAMEST of the nicknames she has for him.

So, remember a few weeks back, when Aria got super pissed at Fitzy for not wanting to give her hug in front of her parents at Ian’s funeral.  Well, it seems that this week the tables have turned.  When an incredibly nervous Aria begs Fitzy not to show up at her family dinner party, Fitzy surprises her, by INSISTING that he genuinely wants to attend.

Fitzy’s argument in favor of his own attendance?  Aria wants the two of them to “come out” as a couple.  This seems like the most expedient, and least painful, way to begin doing that . . .

Intially, Aria remains skeptical.  But then Fitzy plants a Big Fat Wet One on her . . .

And she loses the capacity to remember her OWN name, let alone disagree with anything Fitzy has said!

Ezra arrives at the Montgomery house first, bearing gifts of flowers and top shelf Scotch, which he pretends to enjoy for alchy Papa’s benefit, even though he once told Aria, the stuff tastes like diet cola and iodine.  (Really, Fitzy?  You’ve tasted IODINE before?  Why?  Did you think it would give you superpowers?)

“Great Bottle, Fitzy!  I just wish it wasn’t so small, so I’d have enough liquor leftover for breakfast tomorrow too!” 

Aria is just SO PROUD of her boyfriend’s mad “Kiss the Parents’ Asses,” moves.  In fact, she’s just about to take Fity into her bedroom, and have her way with him when THIS GUY appears on her doorstep . . .

“Well, hello Aria’s panties . . . er . .  . I mean Aria.  It’s great to see you again!”

“Who the f*&k is this douche (and how does he get his hair to be so fluffy)?”

As you might expect Fitzy and Facelift Jason enter into a bit of a classic pissing contest to determine who’s “more manly” for Aria to date.  Bike riding stats are exchanged . . .

 Go, Speedracer, GO! 

But, of course, my favorite part of the whole evening, came when Facelift Jason asked if Fitzy HAD Aria .  . .

 .  . . in his CLASS . . . had her IN HIS CLASS . . .

Yeah .  . . I didn’t think that was what he meant, either . . .

Unfortunately, a Cop (not Deputy Douchey) has to come by and interrupt the Facelift Jason and Fitzy comedy hour, to inform Ma and Pa Montgomery that Mike’s been stealing stuff from people again . .  . while they are still HOME!  (WHAT A MORON!)

“Bad Boys, Bad Boys.  Whatcha Gonna Do?  Whatcha Gonna Do when they come for YOU!”

Ma and Pa Montgomery rush off to spring their son from the POKEY, leaving Aria to “entertain” her two gentleman callers.  I SMELL A THREESOME!

 YEAH!  A Threesome!  Facelift Jason LIKE!

“Thanks, but no thanks!  I’d much rather go pout in the corner, and write poetry about my feelings.”

Meanwhile, Mama Montgomery is FINALLY realizing how badly she and Byron are sucking as parents, considering that one of their kids has become a total klepto, and the other one is probably being stalked by a serial killer, and neither of those two had ANY clue about it . . .

“Ohhh . . . so THAT’S what our son looks like!  We FORGOT!”

In an earlier conversation between Mama Montgomery and Mama Marin, we learn that these two are actually pretty close though not close enough for her to be invited to the DINNER PARTY, and that Emily’s Mom is a part of their social circle.  But Papa Hastings TOTALLY has cooties!

In this scene, we learn that PAPA Hastings was the guy behind all the girls seeing a therapist, as well as the RIDICULOUSLY BAD (not to mention, ineffective) decision to separate the PLL girls.  (I love how all the moms’ on this show seem pretty cool, but all the dad’s .  . . with the exception of Emily’s . . . seem TOTALLY evil.)

Fitzy earns some major points for offering to help Aria clean up after the party . . .

There is nothing sexier, than a man who knows his way around a dishwasher . . .

But then, he sort of loses some points, by jealously interrogating Aria about Facelift Jason .  . .

Speaking of Facelift Jason, he has the advantage of knowing what’s going on with Klepto Mike.   So, he uses it to his advantage, by playing the “Sensitive Guy,” and comforting Aria about the sudden emergence of her brother’s DARK SIDE . . .

“You seem tense, Aria!  Take off your clothes, and I will give you a massage.”

Facelift Jason suggests that Aria find out how serious Mike’s stealing problem IS, so that she can better assess her next move.  Within minutes, Aria has  found Mike’s MASSIVE THIEF STASH RIGHT IN HIS ROOM.  Geez!  His parents really had to be blind to miss this!  Speaking of blind . . .

 Aria is PISSED AS HELL that Klepto Mike would have the gall to steal from a Brother F*&king BLIND CHICK!

Look familiar?

She then abruptly, and unceremoniously, throws her two male suitors out of her household, so that she can rip Klepto Mike a new butthole, when he comes home.

“Was it something I said?” 

Upon being confronted by Aria, Klepto Mike insists that he didn’t steal that ugly piece of crap bowl from Blind Jenna’s house.  Rather, he took it from Policeboy Garrett’s HOUSE!  (By the way, did I hear Klepto Mike correctly, is Garrett’s name really, “Officer McFriendly?”  Talk about a wimpy, non-intimidating, name for a cop.  They might as well call the guy Mr. Happy Pants!)

Realizing that Policeboy is in the bed cahoots with Blind Jenna, Aria rushes to text Spencer that he can’t be trusted.

But is it already TOO LATE?

Don’t Be Such a Stick in the Mud, Spencer’s Dad!

 “DAD!  You’re not holding it right!  Geez!  Does ANYBODY know how to play field hockey on this show besides me (and Dead Creepy Pedo Ian, of course)?

For someone who was once a suspected killer, Abs Toby is quickly becoming the most POPULAR carpenter / landscape architect in town . . .

 “Hey, Abs Toby!  Why so many clothes?   Don’t you like us anymore?”

Just a few weeks back, he was hired by Jason to help him build his fence to hide dead bodies . . . a project that Papa Hastings paid to have discontinued because, in his words, “the DiLaurentis’ are always crossing the line . . .”

 . . . into his PANTS! 

Then, Papa Hastings hired Abs Toby to finish work on his barn, as sort of an “I’m sorry for thinking you were a killer and forbidding you to date my daughter,” thing.  In addition to being a super carpenter, excellent Scrabble player, solid mystery solver, awesome landscaper, fabulous ABS-haver, and remarkable kisser, Toby is apparently also a GREAT ARCHITECT.  And the plans he drew up for Papa Hastings’ barn  filled Daddy-o with hope that at LEAST one of his children could potentially marry someone who will be rich AND not a psychopath.  It’s win / win!

But all that good feeling and mutual respect is put in jeopardy, when Toby digs up Crazy Nanny Carrie Melissa’s old hockey stick in the Hastings’ yard.

And Papa Hastings snatches it away so fast you would think it was a text message from Anthony Weiner . . .

“Stop fondling my stick, Abs Toby!”

When Toby tells Spencer about what happened (I love how honest these two are with one another.  It’s refreshing . . . almost as refreshing as watching their crazy hot makeout sessions, on a weekly basis.), she immediately recalls that (1) Ali had taken Spencer’s hockey stick to practice using it as a sex toy with Ian;

“Ian’s stick is much smaller than this one . . .” 

 . . . and (2) Mr. “I Have No Memory of the Night of Ali’s Death” Facelift Jason once almost hit her with it . . .

“Doesn’t this stick match my shirt perfectly?  I think I’ll carry it around, and use it as a cane.” 

Now, I know this scene was supposed to be all SCARY.  But honestly, it looked like your typical brother / sister rivalry to me.  I’m sure Facelift Jason is going to end up being the Number One suspect in Ali’s murder, because that’s clearly what the writers are building toward.  However, I honestly, don’t think he did it.  Nobody that the PLL’s actually suspect ever ends up being the actual killer.  That’s just how this show works . . .

“So, Abs Toby.  What exactly is your workout regimen?  Because I would love a set of pects like yours!” 

Papa Hastings creepily confronts poor Tobs, once again, in the middle of the night, this time to tell him not to tell Spencer about the hockey stick.  Abs Toby admits that he already HAS told Spencer, but at least has the foresight to lie and say she didn’t seem to care.  Then Papa tells the Tobmeister not to tell Spencer about THIS conversation, which, of course, Abs Toby rushes to do, right away!  (That’s right Toby!  At least SOMEONE knows where his bread is buttered, if you catch my drift.)

“See?  I was a good boy, wasn’t I!  You are going to REWARD me, aren’t you?”

The first time Spencer meets with Garrett the Policeboy its to inquire about that messenger guy who Policeboy paid off at Blind Jenna’s request up and left town, after trying to collect the blackmail money for Ian’s sex tapes.  The girls would like to question him more about the person who sent him, because it sure as heck wasn’t Ian.  It was BLIND JENNA!

Hey, Spencer!  You know that when guys do that THING with their belts, it means that they’re aroused, right?  Just warning you!

Of course, that Lying Creepster of a Policeboy is not only patronizing, but TOTALLY unhelpful, telling Spencer that there is basically no chance in heck that Messenger Boy is returning to town, so she might as well move on with her life.  (Obviously, Policeboy is covering for Blind Jenna.  I don’t think SHE killed Ali either.   But Policeboy might THINK that she did . . .)

Then Spencer arrives home to find her Dad TOSSING THE HOCKEY STICK INTO THE FIRE, thereby destroying the only evidence the girls may have as to Ali’s real killer . . .

Now Papa Hastings may be your typical rich assh*le, who’d rather throw money at his kids than actually engage in conversation with them.  He’s also obstructing justice by destroying criminal evidence here.  All that being said, I really believe that he is doing this to try to protect his daughters.  Papa recognizes that Spencer was ALREADY once suspected of murdering Ali, when the police found that bloody trophy on the premises.   Surely, they would suspect her or Melissa again, if this stick ever turned up.

Still, Spencer is devastated by the notion that her father continues to think the worst of her, despite her being the perfect daughter, not to mention SO MUCH better than her miserable excuse for a human being, sister.  Fortunately, she has Toby (and his Abs) to comfort her, during this difficult time  . . .

He promises to help Spencer try to find out the truth about what really happened to Alison, so that she can finally be at peace, and prove to her family, once and for all, what a bunch of a$$holes they are . . .  It’s actually Toby who indirectly gives Spencer the idea to talk to Policeboy Garrett about what was in Ali’s coroner’s report, as that would undoubtedly illustrate the specific manner in which Ali was killed, and possibly even pin down whether the hockey stick was the weapon that killed her.  (SOMEONE’S BEEN WATCHING CSI!)

Honestly, how these girls could have gone on trusting this CREEPER for as long as they have is beyond me?  How many times have they asked for his help?  And how many times has he given them NOTHING AT ALL but more questions, skeevy leers, and admonitions that they musn’t go to any other cops, aside from him.  I’m just glad Spencer got Aria’s text, before she had the chance to spill the beans to Policeboy, as to who she thinks killed Ian.

Now, if only SOMEONE would kill the Policeboy (and, Blind Jenna, while they are at it).

Any volunteers?

“Paging Dr. Gloved Hand . . .”

 I guess we can now add Mad Scientist to “A’s” already ridiculously long resume of Super Villain Skills . . .

The final scene of the episode, features the elusive Gloved Hand injecting a drug called BD7 (Belledium?  Belledonna?  Bad Donuts?) into a syringe, as the song “I’ve Got You Under My Skin” plays in the background.  (Get it?  “Under My Skin” . . . because it’s a syringe?   Har de har har).

Based on some of the hints we were given in this episode, in conjunction with the Episode 8 promo, I’d say the person being poisoned is our girl, Emily.

Lay off the sauce, Girlfriend!  This is NO JOKE! 

You can checkout the MuchMusic promo for next week’s installment of PLL, HERE . . .

Until then . . . au revoir, My Pretties! 🙂

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Crimes of Fashion – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Never Letting Go”

SPENCER:  Pssst, don’t look now, but there’s a BIG GIANT ALISON HEAD behind us . . .

EMILY:  Maybe, if we ignore it, it will go away . . .

Poor “sweet” Alison!  Perhaps, if there wasn’t a memorial service for her every two episodes, people would stop trying to sabotage them . . .

Hello, my Pretties!  This week on PLL, we got to meet Alison’s Mommy, Samara’s “friend,” and a whole lot of dresses.  We also got to see how well our favorite little liars can work the Runway . . .

Ten innocent bottles of hairspray were harmed in the making of this picture.  FOR SHAME!

Also this week, no hot men took off their shirts . . .

“Oh the humanity!”

 . . . which is why I decided to do THIS for you . . .

You’re welcome!

Wipe the drool off your mouths, girls . . . because it’s time to get this Pretty Little Recap started .  . .

“It’s All Fun and Games, Until Someone Hacks Up a Hairball.”

Here’s a Riddle:  How many Pretty Little Liars does it take to fold a bunch of fashion show programs?

Answer:  Apparently, all of them.  (Because folding is . . . like . . . hard . . . or something.)

When the episode begins, the Fabulous Foursome is in Spencer’s room (at least, I think it’s Spencer’s room), preparing for the annual school fashion show / charity event / function where “A” will inevitably torture the girls, and make them wish they were never born.  As has become the norm, the girls spend the opening scenes of the episode, helpfully rehashing what happened last week, and trying to figure out who killed Alison.  Spencer reminds us, that just because Creepy Pedo Ian didn’t kill Alison on the raunchy sex tape, doesn’t mean he didn’t do it later . . .

You’re not off the hook yet, Buddy!  (Poor choice of words?)

Hanna wonders whether “A” isn’t Ali’s actual killer.  It’s interesting how, at the beginning of the series, both the girls themselves, and most PLL fans, had always ASSUMED the aforementioned premise to be true.  Then, sometime in the middle of the first season, the theory that “A” and Ali’s killer were two DIFFERENT people seemed to become commonly accepted.  Now, it seems, with Creepy Pedo Ian dead, the girls, at least, have returned to the first theory.

But, hey, who needs to talk about “boring stuff” like Ali’s killer, when we can talk about EXCITING stuff, like what kind of lip gloss Hanna was wearing when she started cleaning Caleb’s teeth with her tongue, at the end of last week’s episode?

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Apparently, she was wearing the sticky kind that tends to get hair stuck to it . . . hair like Caleb’s long luscious locks.  Aria (who’s already a little bit pissy, because, not only did Fitzy REFUSE to hug her in public, last week, he also ditched her this week to enter the PLL Lost Significant Other Vortex “attend some lame college conference”) has some choice words to say about that . . .

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*insert hacking noises here*

By the way, I don’t know about you, but, lip gloss or no lipgloss, I’ve never had the experience of hacking up hairballs from making out with guys.  Perhaps, Aria just kisses hairier men than I do!

Don’t worry, Fitzy!  I wasn’t talking about YOU . . . (See shaved tummy picture above)

Speaking of Aria’s many hairy suitors, she gets a text message from one of them, just shortly after making her hairball comment . . .

OK, here’s another question:  How many of you actually include FULL NAMES in your cell phone contacts?  I mean, I understand that Jason is a fairly common guy’s name.  So, maybe a popular girl like Aria has four or five friends named Jason.  But still, wouldn’t “Jason D” be sufficient?  Or “Jason Ali’s Bro”?  Or, my personal favorite, “Facelift Jason?”  Honestly, I’m not even sure a name like “Jason Dilaurentis” would fit in my cell phone contact list!  A name like that would probably take up MY ENTIRE SCREEN!  But, I digress . . .

Text Message Reply:  “Hello, Jason Dilaurentis.  Aria Montgomery would very much like to meet you outside in your car, so that we can discuss the fact that you are still a murder suspect, and perhaps, if we are lucky, make out.  Don’t worry, I am wearing a special lipgloss that minimizes hairball creation.”

Being sure not to tell the girls who she is meeting (They, of course, assume it’s Fitzy), Aria heads out in the dark of night to rendezvous with Facelift Jason. 

Try to forget, for a moment, that he has been eye f*&king her to near-pregnancy in every scene the two of them shared, since he got his new face.  Do you want to know why I THINK it’s obvious that Facelift Jason wants a First Class Trip inside the Montgomery Pantalones?  Let’s put it this way, he asked to meet her in secret . . . in his expensive car . . . in the middle of the night . . . just to tell her not to tell anybody about something he said to her the day before. 

“Don’t worry Facelift Jason, I’m going to keep this between you, me, “A,” and the million or so folks who watch Pretty Little Liars, every week . . .”

Wouldn’t a “Don’t tell your Big Mouth Friends that I think I may have killed my sister, while in the midst of a Drunken Rage Blackout” text message would have sufficed, in this situation?

Anyway, Facelift Jason is relieved that Aria is thankful enough to him for not ratting her bratty brother out as a Dirty Thief, to not rat him out as a Drug Addict / Potential Sister Killer.  Everybody WINS!  (Well, except Ali of course . . . who’s dead . . . and Creepy Pedo Ian, who’s also dead).

Dads Behaving Badly . . .

Talk about sending a bad message!  There are FOUR DADS on this show.  And if my theories about Spencer’s papa is correct, the ONLY one of them who has never been unfaithful to his lady love, is the one who’s too busy fighting for his country to have time to do so!

“YAY!  I WIN!”

In a scene that’s highly reminiscent of the Aria’s Parents Secretly Start Dating One Another Again storyline (BARF!), Hanna comes home to find her divorced Mommy and Daddy slowly getting eachother wasted with Martinis, and looking at one another, like they want to do it on the counter, right in front of their daughter.

“I’m so glad you guys decided to fork over the money for my therapy.  Because I am REALLY going to need a shrink, after seeing this . . .”

Some might argue that Hanna should be happy that her parents are possibly reconciling.  And yet, this jaded blonde has been around the block enough times with her Douchey Dad to have developed a healthy dose of skepticism toward his ever-evolving definition of “family.”  “What’s for dessert?”  She asks her “sperm donor” snidely.   “Or are you saving that for your new family?”

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Dysfunctional Family Land, Spencer has just finished probably having super hot sex with Abs Toby . . .

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. . . when she overhears her dad loudly arguing with someone on the phone.  Specifically, he is telling someone that he or she “clearly doesn’t have control over a certain situation, if Jason is back home.”  Cue Spencer Face!

When Spencer asks her dad about the telephone conversation, he acts suspicious enough that it prompts Spencer to dial the last number he called, after he conveniently leaves the phone on the kitchen table.  

“Do you like Scary Movies?”

Upon doing that, she quickly learns that the woman her Dad was screaming at was none other than . . . wait for it . . . Ali’s and Jasons’ Mom, Jessica DiLaurentis  . . . 

BUSTED!

Now, I’m guessing that Spencer’s POP and his Lady Friend were both using landlines to make this call, considering (1) Spencer had to press Redial to solve the mystery, instead of simply looking at the “Dialed Calls” list that is now available on pretty much every cell phone made in the last FIVE YEARS; (2) Dead Ali’s Mom conveniently stated her FULL NAME, upon picking up the phone, which means that she obviously didn’t realize that the call was coming from the Exact Same Person Who Just Called Her Moments Ago. 

*sigh*  Old People . . . they never learn . . . 😉

Now, to me, it seems pretty obvious that the “Big Secret” Spencer’s Dad and Ali’s Mom are hiding is that they had an affair at some point.  And the reason that Spencer’s Dad is so miffed about Jason returning to town is that HE KNOWS ABOUT IT, somehow.  Then again, I could be TOTALLY wrong . . .

In other Parental Unit News, Emily’s Mom is getting all weepy about missing Emily’s Dad . . .

*insert blubbering noises here*

So, Emily suggests that she go stay with him in Texas for a while, so the two can have Wild and Crazy Monkey Sex in the army barracks get “reacquainted,” while Emily finishes out the school year in Rosewood.

“WOO HOO!  Parties every night at my house!  You’re all invited!”

Dressed to Kill (or Be Killed)

The next day, Spencer and Aria are talking about how suspicious Facelift Jason is acting (Actually, Spencer is talking about that.  Aria is sticking up for Facelift Jason, like it’s her JOB!  Watch out, Fitzy!), when they get a strange e-mail from Alison’s mom, inviting all four of the PLL’s to lunch . . . UH OH!

OK . . . now this may be because I’m a TOTAL NERD, but I had so much fun reading the subject headings for all of Spencer’s FAKE E-MAILS!  Someone in the production department probably had a blast coming up with these!  Here are some questions I had:  (1) Why is Melissa e-mailing Spencer for “lunch” when she (a) hates her now, because of the Ian thing, and (b) is supposedly on vacation? (2) Whose birthday is it, that Spencer is getting them cupcakes? (3) Spencer plays the flute? (4) What the heck is Albacore Design?  And why does Spencer keep making and canceling orders from them?

Cue, the most AWKWARD lunch meeting ever . . .

Only the swankiest of restaurants serve their drinks in jars of leaves . . .

Alison’s mom, who’s looking a bit looped, after her fourth Bloody Mary before noon (Hey, I’m sure it’s Happy Hour, SOMEWHERE!), is apparently STILL head of the school board, despite the fact that neither of her children have attended Rosewood Prep in at least a year.  (Maudlin much?)  She recalls depressingly how much her Dead Daughter loved the Annual Fashion show, and asks the Pretty Little Liars to dedicate a portion of the show to Alison, while each wearing dresses that the SHE picked out, before she was murdered. 

“Even in death, I am still making you feel self-conscious, and not-so-subtly criticizing your taste in clothing, MWAH-HAHAHA!”

The girls (rightfully) think this is an ABSOLUTELY AWFUL IDEA.  I mean . . . we all remember what happened THE LAST TIME these four made a memorial for Ali, right?

R.I.P. Ugly Ass Memorial Fountain

But still, they have to do it.  Because, really, how can you say no to a grieving Mom?

As if the Annual Fashion Show hadn’t become frightening enough, Spencer soon learns that Annoying Mona has stolen the position of Committee Chairperson right out from under her during that whole Under Suspicion for Murdering Ali Fiasco (not to mention completely discarded the programs Spencer spent hours painstakingly FOLDING)  . . .

“We thought you were like going to jail, or something,” offers Mona, in a faux sweet voice.  “Decisions had to be made.  I made them.”

“That’s right, Mona.  I’ve never murdered anyone.  But keep talking, and that might change real fast.”

I’ve gotta say, Janel Parrish (the actress who plays Mona) is spectacular.  The way she portrays this character makes me GENUINELY want to reach into the television and wring her neck, every time she is on screen!  Her voice is like nails on a chalkboard to me.  Like Spencer, I have no idea why a fun, funny, non-annoying, girl like Hanna would ever willingly spend time with such a slimy toad.  Mona is probably the kind of girl who gets spit or worse in her food EVERY SINGLE TIME she eats at a restaurant, if you catch my drift . . .

Mona’s personal “chef”

Fortunately, for Spencer, she has Toby at her side, to prevent her from doing bodily harm to the Evil Mona . .  .

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Oh, did I mention that Mona hired her new boyfriend, Bushy Eyebrows Noel to D.J. the affair?

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Things just went from awkward .  . . to annoying . . . to dangerously creepy, in about two minutes flat . . .

Sometimes the Truth Hurts . . .

Peek-a-BOOB!

Apparently, Emily’s new girlfriend has more talents than just the ability to fangirl at swim meets, and successfully lie to parents, she’s also quite the master seamstress!  We find Samara at Emily’s house, gleefully fondling the latter’s lady parts, under the guise of fitting her in Alison’s dress  for the fashion show . . .

“Ummm . . . Samara?  My eyes are UP HERE!”

Between you and me, Samara has always struck me as being a bit insecure about the extent of Emily’s feelings for her.  Perhaps, she senses that her new girl Friday seems more than a bit hung up on her former Ex-Loves (and current PLL Vortex Inhabitants) Maya and Little Orphan Bitchy . . .

“LET US OUT!  WE’VE BEEN TRAPPED IN HERE FOR MONTHS!”

So, it is not surprising to me that Samara purposefully tries to “test” Emily, by asking if she could bring a “date” with her to the fashion show.  Not wanting to seem too possessive over her “friend with benefits,” Emily reluctantly agrees, even managingto offer Samara a polite little smile, upon hearing the request . . .  (Threesome, anyone?)

Meanwhile, after hearing from her Mother that memories lost during alcoholic blackouts  can be revived with proper coaxing and psychological support (By the way, kudos to Aria’s mom for not-so-subtly copping to taking part in underage drinking, back in the day.) . . .

“To be honest, Aria, I’m still a bit hazy about the night you were conceived. .  .”

 . . . Shrink Aria meets up with Facelift Jason (who looks so much like Ali, they really could be brother and sister)  . . .

 . . .  to review the pictures of Ali they plan to use in their slideshow tribute to the Dead Girl, during the fashion show . .  .

Hey FaceliftJason, how do you expect to see the pictures, if you keep STARING LOVINGLY AT ARIA, while she’s showing them to you?

Things are going well, until Aria starts peppering Facelift Jason with questions about the night of the accident.  Once he figures out what she’s trying to do, he gets SUPER defensive, and eventually storms off.  I guess SOME memories are better off repressed . . .

“Nice going, ARIA!  You just totally blew your opportunity to have sex with me  . . . ummm . . . Well . . . actually, I’d still kind of like to have sex with you . . . if you want to have sex with me.  Do you?  WOULD YOU?  Pretty please, with a weiner on top?”

Speaking of Men in Denial, Hanna’s father refuses to cop to the fact that the REAL reason he keeps hanging around the house, is that he wants to get back into Hanna’s mom’s pants . . .

“You want relationship advice, DAD?  Did I ever tell you about the time my boyfriend was PAID to seduce me, and took my virginity in a tent outside?  Good times!”

Beauty is Painful (and, sometimes, even deadly)

“Gee, thanks a lot A!  Now our chances of becoming contestants on America’s Next Top Model are pretty much ruined!”

What started off as a fairly slow, and uneventful episode, definitely picked up the pace, during the climactic annual fashion show, where, in just minutes . .  .

 . . . Emily met the Mister to her girlfriend, Samara’s “Misses,” and became insanely jealous (which was precisely why Samara brought her along, in the first place).  This eventually, prompted Emily and Samara to have “The Talk” about the status of their relationship, and whether they should take it to the “next level.”  (Nothing was really decided, however.)

Hanna went for a liquor run, and got an eyefull of her supposedly-separated parents dry-humping on the dance floor, instead . . .

PAPA MARIN:  “Let’s make another baby . . . right here . . . while our daughter watches.”

MAMA MARIN: “Oh, Daddy!  You always DID know how to sweet talk me . . .”

“Oh, MY EYES!  I think I just went blind . . .”

*laughs maniacally*  “Mission accomplished!”

Speaking of Hanna, the uninvited Caleb decides to crash the Fashion Show, in order to support her, whether she wants to be supporte or not.  (Something tells me, Ashley won’t be the ONLY Marin girl to be getting some nookie tonight . . .)

Spencer spots her Dad fighting with Ali’s Mom again.  (Where’s SPENCER’S MOM, anyway?  On vacation with Crazy Nanny Carrie Melissa?)

Spencer is also asked by Mona — who is randomly wearing weird librarian glasses —  to deliver the Ali Tribute CD to Bushy Eyebrows Noel (a potentially important detail that we will touch upon, in just a bit) . . .

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 When Spencer hands the CD off to Bushy Eyebrows, he asks her if she wants to watch it first, to make sure it is “OK.”  Spencer says “No” . . . a decision she will undoubtedly come to regret later not that it matters, since Bushy and Mona probably would have switched the CDs at the last minute anyway, if they are, in fact, behind all this.

Meanwhile, Jason continues to have visual intercourse with Aria, even though he is supposedly still “mad at her” . . .

It’s important to practice safe eyesex, boys and girls!  You never know where else your partner has LOOKED, before you!

The fashion show begins, and our PLL girls strut their stuff, and shake their asses, down the runaway to the cheers and catcalls of a mixture of adoring parents, and potential pedophiles . . .

If The Flintstones was ever made into a porno, I’m pretty sure Betty Rubble would be wearing an outfit like Emily’s . . .

Then the music changes, and it’s time for the Ali Tribute.  The girls smile politely, as they walk out together, in the dresses that Ali herself never had the chance to showcase . . .

Cute dresses . . . but I’m not loving the hair choices . . .

Suddenly, the music gets all angry, and death metal-ly.  Then, THIS HAPPENS and, it’s really NO SUPRISE AT ALL, CONSIDERING THEY SHOWED THIS PART IN THE MUCHMUSIC PREVIEWS . . .

The whole crowd gasps audibly, as Spencer rushes to turn off the slideshow, and Ali’s mom rushes out of the room in tears . . .

(OK, now I know it’s is probably an inappropriate time to ask this, but who’s the Extra sitting next to Facelift Jason?  He’s CUTE!  Hey, Buddy, if you are reading this, Call Me!)

Once the chaos has died down, the PLL girls find themselves alone on stage, in entirely different dresses, than the ones they were wearing earlier.  (I love that Hanna is wearing the inappropriate Nikki Minaj Concert Dress she wanted to wear to Creepy Pedo Ian’s funeral!)  Of course, “A” has one final message she wants to deliver just to them  . . .

 . . . make that TWO final messages . . .

Given “A’s” passion for fashion, and b*tchy snarkery, not to mention that “my dresses” comment, it is becoming more and more apparent that “A” is a WOMAN (which is not to say that she doesn’t have a male companion by her side to do the “heavy lifting.”)  In particular, the final scene of the episode, seems to suggest that the Gloved Hand is manicured underneath the leather (more on that later) . . .

The Aftermath . . .

Understandably, the PLL girls are pretty darn eager to escape the school auditorium, after all that happened to them there.  Hanna cuts out with a wide-eyed and clearly smitten Caleb (But where’s LUCAS?) . . .

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Meanwhile, Aria is accosted by a sickeningly smug-looking Bushy Eyebrows Noel, who seems WAY TOO PLEASED WITH HIMSELF, when he hands her back the incriminating CD . . .

“Hi, my name is Bushy Eyebrows Noel.  I butcher small puppies for fun, and feed them to the hungry furry caterpillars sitting over my eyelids.”

I have to say, I cheered a bit when Facelift Jason intervened, and broke the CD with his barehands.  (On the other hand, now we might never know who tampered with the damn thing!)

“You don’t SCARE ME, EYEBROWS!  I’ve smoked blunts bigger than YOU!”

Cue the Facelift Jason / Aria Sexual Tension Moment . . .

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The pair end up leaving together in his car . . . sound familiar?

Back at home, we get three quick parental moments, in short succession.  In the first, Hanna’s dad FINALLY admits to still being in love with Hanna’s mom.  And Hanna finally accepts him back into her life . . . (Repeat after me, “AWWWW!)

“So, if your Mom’s room’s a-rockin, don’t come a-knockin”

Emily’s mom decides to go to Texas to see her husband, and, therefore, lets Emily bunk with the Marin’s for the rest of the year.  (Because, apparently, the Marin house is the equivalent to the Rosewood Homeless Teen Shelter . . . just ask Caleb!)

(This seemed like kind of a random plot point to me.  I’m thinking “Mom” landed a movie role, or TV pilot, or something . . .)

Finally, Spencer’s Dad reluctantly admits to fighting with Ali’s and Jason’s Mom, and warns Spencer to stay away from Facelift Jason so that he can’t tell her about the AFFAIR!.

Remember, how I told you that the last scene seemed to pretty strongly suggest that “A” / Gloved Hand was a woman?  Well, it begins with a closeup on an array of open fashion magazines kind of like the ones MONA might have used to create the new Fashion Show program.  Now, I don’t mean to be sexist, but how many men DO YOU KNOW that read women’s fashion magazines (Well, aside from the MALE FASHION DESIGNERS, of course)?  Gloved Hand then orders a pair of fashionable women’s boots online in Size 5.5. (very small feet!), and delivers them to an as-of-yet unknown address . . .

(By the way, have you ever tried using a laptop, while wearing gloves?  It’s IMPOSSIBLE .  . . Not to mention, it makes your hands really sweaty.)

So, which PLL girl is about to get a new pair of shoes from “A?”  Tune in next week to find out!  Until next time, My Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

(Text) Messages from Beyond the Grave – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “The Devil You Know”

Somewhere in Hell Heaven, Alison DiLaurentis is hopping mad that her photograph has been discarded, along with the half-eaten fruits and stale lunch meats.  Meanwhile, on Earth, a TV Recapper simply wonders why no one in Rosewood recycles newspaper . . .

Hello, my Pretties!  It’s time for another installment of “A Knows Everything, and Everybody Acts Shady.”  Surprisingly enough, although this episode was depressingly Dr. WREN-LESS . . .

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 . . . and disconcertingly Abs Toby-Free . . .

Pretty Little Spoby

 . . . it still ended up being one of my favorite PLL episodes of the season.

HUH?

Why? You ask . . .

Because, after weeks and weeks of simply raising more questions, this show FINALLY gave us answers . . . It finally gave us (well . . . at least some of) the TRUTH!

Actually, Mr. Nicholson . . . WE CAN!

So, call up Dolce, Gabbana & Liebowitz, put on your least appropriate funeral dress, and pull up a chair in the local cemetery, because it’s time to get started with this recap . . .

Mystery Solved?  Not so fast . . .

“Hi Girls, it’s Police Boy Garrett!  I just happened to be passing through the school boning Blind Jenna in the janitor’s closet, when I saw all you lovely ladies sitting here.  So, I decided to share with you some important information that the viewers needed to know about Dead Creepy Pedo Zombie Ian.”

When we last left our Pretty Little Liars, they were huddled in a barn together, ogling the gory body of Spencer’s Sister’s Dead Fiance . . .

“That’s ME!”

 . . . a traumatizing image that basically guarantees that this foursome will be spending the rest of their lives in therapy . . .

*does Happy Dance* “YEAH!  Show me the MONEY!”  (I’d be smiling right now, but . . . you know . . . Botox.)

Back at school, the girls kindly recap for us what happened last week.  Once they are done doing that, Police Boy Garrett arrives with some lame excuse about “returning evidence to the gym.”  Come on GARRETT!  We all know what (or perhaps I should say WHO) you were doing . . .

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit . . .

Police Boy Garrett has some new information for the girls about Dead Creepy Pedo Zombie Ian.  Or, at least it’s new if you never saw the promos for this week’s episode.  He tells them that the autopsy on Ian’s body proves that, by the time he was found, Ian had already been . . . dead FOR A WEEK!

There must be something magical about Police Boy Garrett’s information reveal.  Because the moment it happens, Spencer and Emily seem to switch bodies.  We know this has happened the minute Emily starts making The Spencer Face.

From that moment on, Emily spends the rest of the episode doing Spencer Things like “Super Sleuthing,” “Mystery Solving,” “Suspect Interrogation,” and “Love Interest Judging.”  This is a side of Emily we had never seen before!  And having the opportunity to see it now, makes me almost as excited as I was the first time we met Drunk Emily . . .

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GOOD TIMES!

Spencer!Emily Deciphers Coded Suicide Notes!

After the rest of the girls leave the outdoor lounge (with Emily!Spencer undoubtedly wondering why she is suddenly crushing on girls) Spencer!Emily receives (SURPRISE!) yet another cryptic text message from “A.”  The difference of course, is, while most of A’s messages to the girls are merely mean, or annoying, this one is actually quite helpful! 

That’s right Spencer!Emily!  It’s time to do some Detective Work . . .

Helping Emily out is the fact that the girls have not only had the foresight to photograph Ian’s suicide note . . .

 . . . they’ve also saved every text message any of them have ever received from “A” on their cell phones.

Although an enterprising fan had already put together these clues for us last week, I have to say, I was rather impressed with the Mix N’ Match / Word Jumble way Emily figured out that Ian’s so-called suicide note was really nothing more than a list of A’s Greatest Text Messaging Hits. 

(Though, honestly, he or she really should have considered including My Personal Favorite “A” Message in this list . . .)

“Lions and Tigers and B*tches, Oh MY!”

(I still haven’t figured out how “A” managed to insert a text message into a Fortune Cookie!  Best Magic Trick EVER!)

You know what this means, don’t you?  Either Dead Creepy Pedo Ian was an extremely avid Pretty Little Liars fan, OR Ian had died back in the Bell Tower, and “A” shot him and forged the suicide note, to make it look like he wrote it . . .

But, not to worry Spencer!Emily fans!  Our Veronica Mars 3.0 (because the real Spencer is Veronica Mars 2.0, obviously) isn’t finished sleuthing.  Not . . . even  . . . close.

Spencer!Emily Interrogates Fed Ex Dude!

No offense, Logan Reed, but I remember you being a bit hotter you were on this show . . .

Open your legs and spread ’em!  (I think I’ve seen a few pornos that began this way.)

While picking up a package at Fed Ex, Emily notices a familiar face behind the counter.  (Cue The Spencer Face!)  Upon further investigation, she learns that Fed Ex Dude is actually Logan Reed.   Remember him?  He’s the guy who SOMEONE paid off to take the ransom money Police Boy Garrett and the girls used to try to catch Creepy Pedo Ian in the act of stealing the incriminating Dead Ali Snuff Porn video that “A” sent to them.

“Ohhhh YEAH!  I remember him!”

Poor Logan Reed pretty much pees himself, upon realizing that Emily recognizes him.  So, he runs away from her like a B*tch!

“Your ass is GRASS, Mister!”

However, with a little persistence, Spencer!Emily is eventually able to get Logan to talk.  He tells her that he had never even met Dead Creepy Zombie Pedo Ian.  Rather, he found an advertisement on line, offering him cash, if he pretended to be Ian and picked up some ransom money.  After Logan accepted the “job,” the rest of the transaction was completed by phone.  And the person on the other end of the line was . . . A WOMAN!

Now, I give credit where credit is due.  And I have to say, for a PLL I have always described as being not the brightest bulb in the lamp, Emily has shown herself to be pretty smart this week.  So, of course, before the episode ends, she has to do something PRETTY DARN STUPID to “even things out a bit” . . .

Spencer!Emily Trusts Police Boy Garrett (AGAIN!)

EMILY: “Hey, aren’t you that guy from the Lizzie McGuire Movie?”

GARRETT:  “I have no idea what you are talking about.”

It’s been almost a year?  Haven’t the PLL girls learned by now that all the cops in Rosewood are shady douche-monkeys, who just happen to look good with their shirts off?  Just like all Rosewood teachers like to make monkey with their younger students.

Oh, Deputy Douchey!  I miss YOU!

For whatever reason, Spencer!Emily gets the bonehead idea to tell Police Boy Garrett about Logan Reed, and the whole Ransom Money Thing . . .

Riiiiight . . . because this guy has been SO helpful and trustworthy thus far, it TOTALLY makes sense to confide in him again. 

Initially, of course, Police Boy Garrett shrugs off Emily’s information, basically telling her that Logan Reed doesn’t matter, since Ali’s killer, i.e. Ian, has already “confessed.”  Later, however, we see him (1) paying Logan WADS OF CASH to leave town, and never talk to Emily, or any of the PLL girls, again .  . .

Wow!  That’s a lot of Green Stuff!  They must pay cops REALLY WELL in Rosewood, which is strange, especially considering how bad they all suck.

 . . . and (2) calling Blind Jenna to tell her everything has gone according to plan. 

“Hey Baby, what are you wearing?”

“I don’t know.  Whatever Toby dressed me in, this morning.”

In all honesty, I think most of us had figured out, long before this episode aired, that Blind Jenna and Police Boy Garrett were the ones who orchestrated the Ian Porn Tape Handoff, last season.  But still, it was nice to FINALLY get conclusive evidence that this had occurred.  And yet, aside from doing whatever it takes to keep their own relationship a secret, Police Boy Garrett’s and Blind Jenna’s connection to “A” and/or Ali’s murder still remains to be seen .  . .

But fear not, my Pretties!  Spencer!Emily still has one more sleuthing trick up her sleeve.  However, I’m going to save that one for the very end of this recap, just to keep you guessing . . .

Speaking of Emily’s alter-ego / body swapping partner for the week . . .

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished (especially, when you are related to an EVIL WENCH like Crazy Nanny Carrie Melissa)

Coincidentally, this is a photograph of Melissa .  . . about two seconds before her head starts spinning around and spewing out green stuff.

Normally known for her Nancy Drew-itus, Spencer was surprisingly Emily-like this week, in that she opted to steer completely clear of “A”-themed drama, in favor of “moving on with her life.”  In fact, when Emily first came to her with all her Super Sleuth News, Spencer COMPLETELY BLEW HER OFF!

Unfortunately for Spencer, A had other plans for her snarkiest victim.  It all started when Spencer decided to do something nice for her traumatized, but still patently unlikeable, sister, by convincing her parents to give Dead Creepy Zombie Pedo Ian a full-fledged funeral, so that Melissa could get closure on her bizarre romantic relationship with the guy.

Remember this scene . . . where Spencer mistook her own grandmother for a reporter, and called her a Scum-Sucking Bottom Feeder over the phone, possibly giving the Old Lady a heart attack?  Good times!

By the way, I always found it a bit strange that Creepy Pedo Ian seemingly had no family, whatsoever.  Then again, this fact just confirms my suspicion that he is actually a Devil Spawn.

 . . . or an Evil Leprechaun . . .

All this Scum Sucking Bottom Feederness is actually followed up by a very sweet, poignant, and touchingly well-acted moment, in which Spencer’s mother FINALLY apologizes for never believing Spencer about Creepy Pedo Ian being a total sociopath.  (Now we’ve just got to wake Mommy up to the fact that her other daughter is a Psychotic Wench . . . baby steps.)

In addition to doing this, Mama Hastings also gets major points for STILL loving Dr. Wren as much as we do, and giving him his only shout-out in the entire episode.

Later, up in her room, Spencer starts looking for wedding rings online (not that Melissa would want to wear that ring NOW).  

To her chagrin she learns that Creepy Pedo actually spent a whopping $10 Gs on Melissa’s ring.  (The Rosewood school system must pay pretty well, I guess).  Even the knock off rings are too rich for Spencer’s blood!

“Hmmm . . . I wonder how much money Toby is going to spend on MY wedding ring, considering I BOUGHT HIM A CAR.”

Always one to add insult to injury, “A” picks this as the opportune moment to drop Spencer a little love text . . .

Note:  The word “ring” has TWO meanings . . . 😉

Later in the episode, Melissa does that thing she does every few episodes, in which she pretends to be nice to Spencer, by apologizing for not believing a word she says, turning her own parents against her, and basically torturing her, throughout her ENTIRE existence.  But just when Spencer is about to confess her sins to her sister, a phone RINGS, from inside her purse.

Surprise!  It’s Ian’s PHONE . . . the one “A’s” been using to send Melissa messages from a Dead Man . . .AND the one “A” slipped into Spencer’s purse at the end of last week’s episode, seemingly for this precise purpose.  Now convinced that her own sister totally hates her as much as all the viewers do, Melissa FREAKS OUT, and stomps off, leaving a shocked and saddened Spencer in her wake.

“What’s wrong?  Was it something I texted?”

Poor Spencer!  She can NEVER WIN . . . well . . . ALMOST never .  . .

In that horrifying moment, Emily!Spencer was put to rest, and Sleuthing Spencer came out of retirement . . . possibly for good . . .

Meanwhile, in Hanna-land . . .

From “Eat, Pray, Love” to “Drink, Snap, Slap,” to “Hug, Kiss, Screw?”

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When we first see Hanna, Caleb has stopped by her home again to stare at her boobs some more see how she’s been holding up, since the Dead Body Encounter.  At first, Hanna is not exactly responsive to Caleb’s obvious affectionate overtures.  “One date does not a relationship make,” she lectures.

“OK . . . but how about multiple dates, some almost-shower sex, a few hot breakfast makeout sessions, my taking your virginity in a tent, and my living in your house for weeks, before, finally, telling you I love you.  Does that a relationship make?”

Hanna apologizes for her rudeness, and inquires as to whether Caleb has ever seen a dead body before.  He tells her that he has.  (Something tells ME, there’s a juicy story there . . .)  At some point during all this, Hanna’s mom barges in, all freaked out because Hanna has not been answering her cell phone. 

In a surprisingly sweet scene, that serves as an excellent parallel to the one I described earlier between Spencer and her mom, Hanna’s mom admits that ever since this whole thing happened with Dead Creepy Pedo Zombie Ian, she has been frantic that something bad would happen to Hanna too (or, at least, something worse than all the awful crap that has already happened).  Hanna lies reassures her Mom that the worst is over, and the two share an intensely emotional hug, as Caleb looks on awkwardly at the Tampon Commercial playing out right before his very eyes .  . .

In other Mama Marin is Trying to Be a Good Parent news, Mommy Dearest rightly instructed her daughter that a tight slutty little red dress is NOT appropriate funeral attire, no matter how much you despise the Dearly Departed  . . .  “It’s a funeral, not a Nicki Minaj concert,” Mama Marin quips, earning extra points for actually knowing who Nicki Minaj is . . .

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But you don’t really care about Hanna and her Mom, do you?  You want to hear more about HALEB!  Well, my Pretties, you are in luck, because things are about to get pretty steamy in Haleb town . . .

Not this steamy, mind you . . . but close.

It all starts when Hanna apologizes to Caleb at school for forcing him to be a witness to her and her mother’s “chick flick.”  Caleb admits that he envies Hanna’s close relationship with her mother.  After all, Caleb’s only relationship with his Foster Mom is when she shows up at Social Services meetings to collect her checks. 

Caleb notes that there’s a big difference between “Eat, Pray, Love” and “Drink, Snap, Slap.”

Hanna learns first hand that Caleb is telling the truth about his Evil Miss Hannigan from Annie-type Foster Mom, when she arrives at school, berating him for not making her look “good” at one of their meetings.  Thinking fast and rightly assuming that Evil Foster Mom knows precisely NOTHING about fashion, Hanna confronts Evil Foster Mom herself, claiming that if Momsy doesn’t promptly return to Caleb ALL the money she’s been basically stealing from him, Hanna’s mother, who works for the firm of Dolce, Gabbana and Leibowitz (ha ha ha) will sue the Walmart Clearance Rack pants off of her.

“I think I just pooped myself.”

Believe it or not, Caleb’s NotMom, though clearly clever enough to defraud the Foster Care System is also dumb enough to believe Hanna’s lame threat.  So, she promptly leaves Caleb a wad of cash before skipping town for good.  Recognizing that Hanna is clearly behind all this, Caleb ditches a night watching Goonies with Lucas . . .

Awww Lucas!  You really ARE Seth Cohen Reincarnated, aren’t you?

 . . . to spend some more time in Hanna’s kitchen eye f*&king her to pieces.  And for THIS, Hanna rewards HIM, by cleaning his teeth with her tongue.  Ahhhhh, Young Love!

Speaking of . . . well . . . slightly less Young Love . . .

Trouble in Ezria-land / Jason Makes His Move

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Aria and Fitzy are having a little Heart-to-Heart in his New Swanky College Professor Office, while Fitzy’s Poor Man’s Megan Fox and let’s face it, Megan Fox is already pretty Poor Man, herself ex-fiance lurks outside, sporting a major Puss Face.

Remember that awful movie, Jennifer’s Body, where Megan Fox . . . like ATE people?  That’s kind of what I imagine Jackie would like to do to Aria here . . .

Awkwardness ensues when Jackie starts flirtatiously calling Fitzy “Z,” and Fitzy responds by referring to Aria as “My Former Student Who I Occasionally Screw.”

Being the patient person she can sometimes be, Aria lets Fitzy off pretty easy for this relationship faux pas, by making him promise to start referring to her as his “friend” in the future.

With “friends” like these, who needs sex toys enemies?

Back at home, Aria gets a late-night visit from Facelift Jason, who, apparently found Aria’s Sociopathic Kleptomaniac brother lurking around his yard, in the middle of the night.  Facelift Jason SAYS that he doesn’t want to rat out Mike for stealing his stuff, because HE TOO, used to be a Very Bad Boy.  And yet, the way he ogles Aria (not to mention, lingers for WAY TOO LONG by the doorway, long after Mike is safely back inside the house)  makes me think that the REAL REASON that Facelift Jason didn’t rat out Aria’s brother, is because he wants to get into those Montgomery pink panties, STAT!

I have this theory that, in addition to being able to change his face and body at will, Facelift Jason also has X-ray Vision.  (“The better to see what color bra you are wearing, My Dear Aria.”)

Later, in an intense discussion with Devil Boy Mike, Aria learns that HE is the one that is probably “A” has been stealing camping gear, and other assorted supplies from houses throughout the neighborhood . . . just for fun.

Geez DUDE!  You and Melissa should join the Evil Siblings Brigade!

Devil Boy is ALSO responsible for doing THIS to Aria, a few episodes back (while he was busy raiding Spencer’s house, of course) . . .

Nothing is sweeter than Brotherly LOVE!

At Ian’s funeral, Aria is pleasantly surprised when Fitzy arrives there to support her in her hour of need . . .

However, that happiness quickly sours, when Fitzy, upon being confronted by Aria’s parents, wimps out, and says he’s there to support “all his students.”  (LAME!) 

Oooh!  You are SO in the Doghouse for that one, Fitzy!

Speaking of the funeral, I found the image of the four PLL girls standing front and center in front of the coffin, with not entirely solemn looks on their faces to be highly reminiscent of the PLL poster that ABC Family put out in early Season 1, as well as the show’s opening sequence.  A very cool little parallel, Production Department!  Kudos for this!

During the services, Aria spots a rather contrite-looking Facelift Jason sitting off to the side, and mentions his presence to Emily.

“I am so friggin high, I have no idea how I got here . . .”

With an attitude highly reminiscent of the judgy snarkiness Spencer used to use to describe Abs Toby, back in Season 1, Emily angrily calls Facelift Jason A FREAK!  And it, honestly, seems really out of character for Emily, especially since she was the FIRST of the PLL girls to trust Toby, back when everyone else was calling HIM a freak . . .

Then again, those Abs ARE freakishly sexy!

I was momentarily confused by this.  But then I remembered that this week Emily is Spencer!Emily.  So, I decided to let it go . . .

“Oh, shut up and go back into your OWN body, SPENCER!”

After the services, Aria gives Fitzy ONE LAST CHANCE to make things right between them, by admitting to him that all she wants is ONE SINGLE ITTY BITTY HUG from him right now.  I actually think this was a fairly REASONABLE request on Aria’s part.  After all, EVERYONE HUGS at funerals.  It’s not exactly a gesture that screams Illicit Affair.  And besides, Fitzy had to notice how vulnerable Aria was in that moment.  But . .  . HE WIMPED OUT ANYWAY, rushing away from the scene as fast as his little pasty white legs could carry him . . .

“SAYONARA SUCKA!”

So, partly to get revenge on Fitzy, and partly, because she was genuinely concerned for his well-being, Aria goes to sit next to Facelift Jason on the bench.

Now, as much as I tease Facelift Jason (and I don’t plan on stopping anytime soon), I must say that I think Drew Van Acker is actually a pretty darn talented actor.  (And it doesn’t hurt that he shares a major resemblance to Sasha Pieterse’s Ali)  This scene, in which Facelift Jason admitted to Aria, always having been jealous of Ali, and worrying that the wrong child in his family died, was oddly touching.  Lucy Hale was also stellar in this scene.  And the way she comforted Facelift Jason seemed really genuine to me.

During this exchange, we also learned that, up until Creepy Pedo Ian’s death, Facelift Jason always worried that HE killed Ali, since he was so stoned and drunk the night of her murder that he blacked out and doesn’t remember a thing.  What’s worse, “A” seemed to have left a note in his pocket on that fateful night . . .

Hey, isn’t that the name of a movie?

(Geez!  Imagine how disappointed Facelift Jason is going to be, when he finds out that Creepy Pedo Ian DIDN’T really kill Alison, and that he’s still a suspect.  Then again, by that point, he will probably be too busy sucking face with Aria to care.)

Speaking of the Dead Guy . . .

It’s SNUFF FILM TIME!

Remember earlier on in this recap, when I said that Spencer!Emily has one more Sleuthing Trick up her sleeve?  Well, here it is!  Upon getting a message and a map from A, connecting Ian’s coffin to Ali’s, Emily decides to take the rest of the PLL’s on a fun little cemetery field trip.  When they get to Ali’s grave, that old porn video that supposedly showed Ian having sex with killing Alison plays from a projector somewhere in the midst . . . except, NOW the video is unedited.  And NOW it shows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Creepy Pedo DID NOT kill Ali! 

The question, of course, is WHO DID?  And why did “A” seemingly trick the girls into thinking Ian was the killer?  As the episode draws to a close, we see a dark (kind of short?) figure emerge from the darkness, carrying a video projector.   The ominscient “A” has struck again!

So, my Pretties!  I turn this episode over to YOU.  What did you think?  Any guesses now as to who “A” is?  How about Ali’s killer?  Do you hate Melissa and Mike as much as I do?  Are you Team Ezria or Team Jaria?  And, most importantly, when do you think Dr. Wren and Abs Toby are coming back?

See ya next week!

(P.S.  Special  thanks to THIS AMAZING WEBSITE for all the spectacular screencaps you see here!)

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]