Crimes of Fashion – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Never Letting Go”

SPENCER:  Pssst, don’t look now, but there’s a BIG GIANT ALISON HEAD behind us . . .

EMILY:  Maybe, if we ignore it, it will go away . . .

Poor “sweet” Alison!  Perhaps, if there wasn’t a memorial service for her every two episodes, people would stop trying to sabotage them . . .

Hello, my Pretties!  This week on PLL, we got to meet Alison’s Mommy, Samara’s “friend,” and a whole lot of dresses.  We also got to see how well our favorite little liars can work the Runway . . .

Ten innocent bottles of hairspray were harmed in the making of this picture.  FOR SHAME!

Also this week, no hot men took off their shirts . . .

“Oh the humanity!”

 . . . which is why I decided to do THIS for you . . .

You’re welcome!

Wipe the drool off your mouths, girls . . . because it’s time to get this Pretty Little Recap started .  . .

“It’s All Fun and Games, Until Someone Hacks Up a Hairball.”

Here’s a Riddle:  How many Pretty Little Liars does it take to fold a bunch of fashion show programs?

Answer:  Apparently, all of them.  (Because folding is . . . like . . . hard . . . or something.)

When the episode begins, the Fabulous Foursome is in Spencer’s room (at least, I think it’s Spencer’s room), preparing for the annual school fashion show / charity event / function where “A” will inevitably torture the girls, and make them wish they were never born.  As has become the norm, the girls spend the opening scenes of the episode, helpfully rehashing what happened last week, and trying to figure out who killed Alison.  Spencer reminds us, that just because Creepy Pedo Ian didn’t kill Alison on the raunchy sex tape, doesn’t mean he didn’t do it later . . .

You’re not off the hook yet, Buddy!  (Poor choice of words?)

Hanna wonders whether “A” isn’t Ali’s actual killer.  It’s interesting how, at the beginning of the series, both the girls themselves, and most PLL fans, had always ASSUMED the aforementioned premise to be true.  Then, sometime in the middle of the first season, the theory that “A” and Ali’s killer were two DIFFERENT people seemed to become commonly accepted.  Now, it seems, with Creepy Pedo Ian dead, the girls, at least, have returned to the first theory.

But, hey, who needs to talk about “boring stuff” like Ali’s killer, when we can talk about EXCITING stuff, like what kind of lip gloss Hanna was wearing when she started cleaning Caleb’s teeth with her tongue, at the end of last week’s episode?

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Apparently, she was wearing the sticky kind that tends to get hair stuck to it . . . hair like Caleb’s long luscious locks.  Aria (who’s already a little bit pissy, because, not only did Fitzy REFUSE to hug her in public, last week, he also ditched her this week to enter the PLL Lost Significant Other Vortex “attend some lame college conference”) has some choice words to say about that . . .

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*insert hacking noises here*

By the way, I don’t know about you, but, lip gloss or no lipgloss, I’ve never had the experience of hacking up hairballs from making out with guys.  Perhaps, Aria just kisses hairier men than I do!

Don’t worry, Fitzy!  I wasn’t talking about YOU . . . (See shaved tummy picture above)

Speaking of Aria’s many hairy suitors, she gets a text message from one of them, just shortly after making her hairball comment . . .

OK, here’s another question:  How many of you actually include FULL NAMES in your cell phone contacts?  I mean, I understand that Jason is a fairly common guy’s name.  So, maybe a popular girl like Aria has four or five friends named Jason.  But still, wouldn’t “Jason D” be sufficient?  Or “Jason Ali’s Bro”?  Or, my personal favorite, “Facelift Jason?”  Honestly, I’m not even sure a name like “Jason Dilaurentis” would fit in my cell phone contact list!  A name like that would probably take up MY ENTIRE SCREEN!  But, I digress . . .

Text Message Reply:  “Hello, Jason Dilaurentis.  Aria Montgomery would very much like to meet you outside in your car, so that we can discuss the fact that you are still a murder suspect, and perhaps, if we are lucky, make out.  Don’t worry, I am wearing a special lipgloss that minimizes hairball creation.”

Being sure not to tell the girls who she is meeting (They, of course, assume it’s Fitzy), Aria heads out in the dark of night to rendezvous with Facelift Jason. 

Try to forget, for a moment, that he has been eye f*&king her to near-pregnancy in every scene the two of them shared, since he got his new face.  Do you want to know why I THINK it’s obvious that Facelift Jason wants a First Class Trip inside the Montgomery Pantalones?  Let’s put it this way, he asked to meet her in secret . . . in his expensive car . . . in the middle of the night . . . just to tell her not to tell anybody about something he said to her the day before. 

“Don’t worry Facelift Jason, I’m going to keep this between you, me, “A,” and the million or so folks who watch Pretty Little Liars, every week . . .”

Wouldn’t a “Don’t tell your Big Mouth Friends that I think I may have killed my sister, while in the midst of a Drunken Rage Blackout” text message would have sufficed, in this situation?

Anyway, Facelift Jason is relieved that Aria is thankful enough to him for not ratting her bratty brother out as a Dirty Thief, to not rat him out as a Drug Addict / Potential Sister Killer.  Everybody WINS!  (Well, except Ali of course . . . who’s dead . . . and Creepy Pedo Ian, who’s also dead).

Dads Behaving Badly . . .

Talk about sending a bad message!  There are FOUR DADS on this show.  And if my theories about Spencer’s papa is correct, the ONLY one of them who has never been unfaithful to his lady love, is the one who’s too busy fighting for his country to have time to do so!

“YAY!  I WIN!”

In a scene that’s highly reminiscent of the Aria’s Parents Secretly Start Dating One Another Again storyline (BARF!), Hanna comes home to find her divorced Mommy and Daddy slowly getting eachother wasted with Martinis, and looking at one another, like they want to do it on the counter, right in front of their daughter.

“I’m so glad you guys decided to fork over the money for my therapy.  Because I am REALLY going to need a shrink, after seeing this . . .”

Some might argue that Hanna should be happy that her parents are possibly reconciling.  And yet, this jaded blonde has been around the block enough times with her Douchey Dad to have developed a healthy dose of skepticism toward his ever-evolving definition of “family.”  “What’s for dessert?”  She asks her “sperm donor” snidely.   “Or are you saving that for your new family?”

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Dysfunctional Family Land, Spencer has just finished probably having super hot sex with Abs Toby . . .

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. . . when she overhears her dad loudly arguing with someone on the phone.  Specifically, he is telling someone that he or she “clearly doesn’t have control over a certain situation, if Jason is back home.”  Cue Spencer Face!

When Spencer asks her dad about the telephone conversation, he acts suspicious enough that it prompts Spencer to dial the last number he called, after he conveniently leaves the phone on the kitchen table.  

“Do you like Scary Movies?”

Upon doing that, she quickly learns that the woman her Dad was screaming at was none other than . . . wait for it . . . Ali’s and Jasons’ Mom, Jessica DiLaurentis  . . . 

BUSTED!

Now, I’m guessing that Spencer’s POP and his Lady Friend were both using landlines to make this call, considering (1) Spencer had to press Redial to solve the mystery, instead of simply looking at the “Dialed Calls” list that is now available on pretty much every cell phone made in the last FIVE YEARS; (2) Dead Ali’s Mom conveniently stated her FULL NAME, upon picking up the phone, which means that she obviously didn’t realize that the call was coming from the Exact Same Person Who Just Called Her Moments Ago. 

*sigh*  Old People . . . they never learn . . . 😉

Now, to me, it seems pretty obvious that the “Big Secret” Spencer’s Dad and Ali’s Mom are hiding is that they had an affair at some point.  And the reason that Spencer’s Dad is so miffed about Jason returning to town is that HE KNOWS ABOUT IT, somehow.  Then again, I could be TOTALLY wrong . . .

In other Parental Unit News, Emily’s Mom is getting all weepy about missing Emily’s Dad . . .

*insert blubbering noises here*

So, Emily suggests that she go stay with him in Texas for a while, so the two can have Wild and Crazy Monkey Sex in the army barracks get “reacquainted,” while Emily finishes out the school year in Rosewood.

“WOO HOO!  Parties every night at my house!  You’re all invited!”

Dressed to Kill (or Be Killed)

The next day, Spencer and Aria are talking about how suspicious Facelift Jason is acting (Actually, Spencer is talking about that.  Aria is sticking up for Facelift Jason, like it’s her JOB!  Watch out, Fitzy!), when they get a strange e-mail from Alison’s mom, inviting all four of the PLL’s to lunch . . . UH OH!

OK . . . now this may be because I’m a TOTAL NERD, but I had so much fun reading the subject headings for all of Spencer’s FAKE E-MAILS!  Someone in the production department probably had a blast coming up with these!  Here are some questions I had:  (1) Why is Melissa e-mailing Spencer for “lunch” when she (a) hates her now, because of the Ian thing, and (b) is supposedly on vacation? (2) Whose birthday is it, that Spencer is getting them cupcakes? (3) Spencer plays the flute? (4) What the heck is Albacore Design?  And why does Spencer keep making and canceling orders from them?

Cue, the most AWKWARD lunch meeting ever . . .

Only the swankiest of restaurants serve their drinks in jars of leaves . . .

Alison’s mom, who’s looking a bit looped, after her fourth Bloody Mary before noon (Hey, I’m sure it’s Happy Hour, SOMEWHERE!), is apparently STILL head of the school board, despite the fact that neither of her children have attended Rosewood Prep in at least a year.  (Maudlin much?)  She recalls depressingly how much her Dead Daughter loved the Annual Fashion show, and asks the Pretty Little Liars to dedicate a portion of the show to Alison, while each wearing dresses that the SHE picked out, before she was murdered. 

“Even in death, I am still making you feel self-conscious, and not-so-subtly criticizing your taste in clothing, MWAH-HAHAHA!”

The girls (rightfully) think this is an ABSOLUTELY AWFUL IDEA.  I mean . . . we all remember what happened THE LAST TIME these four made a memorial for Ali, right?

R.I.P. Ugly Ass Memorial Fountain

But still, they have to do it.  Because, really, how can you say no to a grieving Mom?

As if the Annual Fashion Show hadn’t become frightening enough, Spencer soon learns that Annoying Mona has stolen the position of Committee Chairperson right out from under her during that whole Under Suspicion for Murdering Ali Fiasco (not to mention completely discarded the programs Spencer spent hours painstakingly FOLDING)  . . .

“We thought you were like going to jail, or something,” offers Mona, in a faux sweet voice.  “Decisions had to be made.  I made them.”

“That’s right, Mona.  I’ve never murdered anyone.  But keep talking, and that might change real fast.”

I’ve gotta say, Janel Parrish (the actress who plays Mona) is spectacular.  The way she portrays this character makes me GENUINELY want to reach into the television and wring her neck, every time she is on screen!  Her voice is like nails on a chalkboard to me.  Like Spencer, I have no idea why a fun, funny, non-annoying, girl like Hanna would ever willingly spend time with such a slimy toad.  Mona is probably the kind of girl who gets spit or worse in her food EVERY SINGLE TIME she eats at a restaurant, if you catch my drift . . .

Mona’s personal “chef”

Fortunately, for Spencer, she has Toby at her side, to prevent her from doing bodily harm to the Evil Mona . .  .

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Oh, did I mention that Mona hired her new boyfriend, Bushy Eyebrows Noel to D.J. the affair?

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Things just went from awkward .  . . to annoying . . . to dangerously creepy, in about two minutes flat . . .

Sometimes the Truth Hurts . . .

Peek-a-BOOB!

Apparently, Emily’s new girlfriend has more talents than just the ability to fangirl at swim meets, and successfully lie to parents, she’s also quite the master seamstress!  We find Samara at Emily’s house, gleefully fondling the latter’s lady parts, under the guise of fitting her in Alison’s dress  for the fashion show . . .

“Ummm . . . Samara?  My eyes are UP HERE!”

Between you and me, Samara has always struck me as being a bit insecure about the extent of Emily’s feelings for her.  Perhaps, she senses that her new girl Friday seems more than a bit hung up on her former Ex-Loves (and current PLL Vortex Inhabitants) Maya and Little Orphan Bitchy . . .

“LET US OUT!  WE’VE BEEN TRAPPED IN HERE FOR MONTHS!”

So, it is not surprising to me that Samara purposefully tries to “test” Emily, by asking if she could bring a “date” with her to the fashion show.  Not wanting to seem too possessive over her “friend with benefits,” Emily reluctantly agrees, even managingto offer Samara a polite little smile, upon hearing the request . . .  (Threesome, anyone?)

Meanwhile, after hearing from her Mother that memories lost during alcoholic blackouts  can be revived with proper coaxing and psychological support (By the way, kudos to Aria’s mom for not-so-subtly copping to taking part in underage drinking, back in the day.) . . .

“To be honest, Aria, I’m still a bit hazy about the night you were conceived. .  .”

 . . . Shrink Aria meets up with Facelift Jason (who looks so much like Ali, they really could be brother and sister)  . . .

 . . .  to review the pictures of Ali they plan to use in their slideshow tribute to the Dead Girl, during the fashion show . .  .

Hey FaceliftJason, how do you expect to see the pictures, if you keep STARING LOVINGLY AT ARIA, while she’s showing them to you?

Things are going well, until Aria starts peppering Facelift Jason with questions about the night of the accident.  Once he figures out what she’s trying to do, he gets SUPER defensive, and eventually storms off.  I guess SOME memories are better off repressed . . .

“Nice going, ARIA!  You just totally blew your opportunity to have sex with me  . . . ummm . . . Well . . . actually, I’d still kind of like to have sex with you . . . if you want to have sex with me.  Do you?  WOULD YOU?  Pretty please, with a weiner on top?”

Speaking of Men in Denial, Hanna’s father refuses to cop to the fact that the REAL reason he keeps hanging around the house, is that he wants to get back into Hanna’s mom’s pants . . .

“You want relationship advice, DAD?  Did I ever tell you about the time my boyfriend was PAID to seduce me, and took my virginity in a tent outside?  Good times!”

Beauty is Painful (and, sometimes, even deadly)

“Gee, thanks a lot A!  Now our chances of becoming contestants on America’s Next Top Model are pretty much ruined!”

What started off as a fairly slow, and uneventful episode, definitely picked up the pace, during the climactic annual fashion show, where, in just minutes . .  .

 . . . Emily met the Mister to her girlfriend, Samara’s “Misses,” and became insanely jealous (which was precisely why Samara brought her along, in the first place).  This eventually, prompted Emily and Samara to have “The Talk” about the status of their relationship, and whether they should take it to the “next level.”  (Nothing was really decided, however.)

Hanna went for a liquor run, and got an eyefull of her supposedly-separated parents dry-humping on the dance floor, instead . . .

PAPA MARIN:  “Let’s make another baby . . . right here . . . while our daughter watches.”

MAMA MARIN: “Oh, Daddy!  You always DID know how to sweet talk me . . .”

“Oh, MY EYES!  I think I just went blind . . .”

*laughs maniacally*  “Mission accomplished!”

Speaking of Hanna, the uninvited Caleb decides to crash the Fashion Show, in order to support her, whether she wants to be supporte or not.  (Something tells me, Ashley won’t be the ONLY Marin girl to be getting some nookie tonight . . .)

Spencer spots her Dad fighting with Ali’s Mom again.  (Where’s SPENCER’S MOM, anyway?  On vacation with Crazy Nanny Carrie Melissa?)

Spencer is also asked by Mona — who is randomly wearing weird librarian glasses —  to deliver the Ali Tribute CD to Bushy Eyebrows Noel (a potentially important detail that we will touch upon, in just a bit) . . .

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 When Spencer hands the CD off to Bushy Eyebrows, he asks her if she wants to watch it first, to make sure it is “OK.”  Spencer says “No” . . . a decision she will undoubtedly come to regret later not that it matters, since Bushy and Mona probably would have switched the CDs at the last minute anyway, if they are, in fact, behind all this.

Meanwhile, Jason continues to have visual intercourse with Aria, even though he is supposedly still “mad at her” . . .

It’s important to practice safe eyesex, boys and girls!  You never know where else your partner has LOOKED, before you!

The fashion show begins, and our PLL girls strut their stuff, and shake their asses, down the runaway to the cheers and catcalls of a mixture of adoring parents, and potential pedophiles . . .

If The Flintstones was ever made into a porno, I’m pretty sure Betty Rubble would be wearing an outfit like Emily’s . . .

Then the music changes, and it’s time for the Ali Tribute.  The girls smile politely, as they walk out together, in the dresses that Ali herself never had the chance to showcase . . .

Cute dresses . . . but I’m not loving the hair choices . . .

Suddenly, the music gets all angry, and death metal-ly.  Then, THIS HAPPENS and, it’s really NO SUPRISE AT ALL, CONSIDERING THEY SHOWED THIS PART IN THE MUCHMUSIC PREVIEWS . . .

The whole crowd gasps audibly, as Spencer rushes to turn off the slideshow, and Ali’s mom rushes out of the room in tears . . .

(OK, now I know it’s is probably an inappropriate time to ask this, but who’s the Extra sitting next to Facelift Jason?  He’s CUTE!  Hey, Buddy, if you are reading this, Call Me!)

Once the chaos has died down, the PLL girls find themselves alone on stage, in entirely different dresses, than the ones they were wearing earlier.  (I love that Hanna is wearing the inappropriate Nikki Minaj Concert Dress she wanted to wear to Creepy Pedo Ian’s funeral!)  Of course, “A” has one final message she wants to deliver just to them  . . .

 . . . make that TWO final messages . . .

Given “A’s” passion for fashion, and b*tchy snarkery, not to mention that “my dresses” comment, it is becoming more and more apparent that “A” is a WOMAN (which is not to say that she doesn’t have a male companion by her side to do the “heavy lifting.”)  In particular, the final scene of the episode, seems to suggest that the Gloved Hand is manicured underneath the leather (more on that later) . . .

The Aftermath . . .

Understandably, the PLL girls are pretty darn eager to escape the school auditorium, after all that happened to them there.  Hanna cuts out with a wide-eyed and clearly smitten Caleb (But where’s LUCAS?) . . .

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Meanwhile, Aria is accosted by a sickeningly smug-looking Bushy Eyebrows Noel, who seems WAY TOO PLEASED WITH HIMSELF, when he hands her back the incriminating CD . . .

“Hi, my name is Bushy Eyebrows Noel.  I butcher small puppies for fun, and feed them to the hungry furry caterpillars sitting over my eyelids.”

I have to say, I cheered a bit when Facelift Jason intervened, and broke the CD with his barehands.  (On the other hand, now we might never know who tampered with the damn thing!)

“You don’t SCARE ME, EYEBROWS!  I’ve smoked blunts bigger than YOU!”

Cue the Facelift Jason / Aria Sexual Tension Moment . . .

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The pair end up leaving together in his car . . . sound familiar?

Back at home, we get three quick parental moments, in short succession.  In the first, Hanna’s dad FINALLY admits to still being in love with Hanna’s mom.  And Hanna finally accepts him back into her life . . . (Repeat after me, “AWWWW!)

“So, if your Mom’s room’s a-rockin, don’t come a-knockin”

Emily’s mom decides to go to Texas to see her husband, and, therefore, lets Emily bunk with the Marin’s for the rest of the year.  (Because, apparently, the Marin house is the equivalent to the Rosewood Homeless Teen Shelter . . . just ask Caleb!)

(This seemed like kind of a random plot point to me.  I’m thinking “Mom” landed a movie role, or TV pilot, or something . . .)

Finally, Spencer’s Dad reluctantly admits to fighting with Ali’s and Jason’s Mom, and warns Spencer to stay away from Facelift Jason so that he can’t tell her about the AFFAIR!.

Remember, how I told you that the last scene seemed to pretty strongly suggest that “A” / Gloved Hand was a woman?  Well, it begins with a closeup on an array of open fashion magazines kind of like the ones MONA might have used to create the new Fashion Show program.  Now, I don’t mean to be sexist, but how many men DO YOU KNOW that read women’s fashion magazines (Well, aside from the MALE FASHION DESIGNERS, of course)?  Gloved Hand then orders a pair of fashionable women’s boots online in Size 5.5. (very small feet!), and delivers them to an as-of-yet unknown address . . .

(By the way, have you ever tried using a laptop, while wearing gloves?  It’s IMPOSSIBLE .  . . Not to mention, it makes your hands really sweaty.)

So, which PLL girl is about to get a new pair of shoes from “A?”  Tune in next week to find out!  Until next time, My Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

(Text) Messages from Beyond the Grave – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “The Devil You Know”

Somewhere in Hell Heaven, Alison DiLaurentis is hopping mad that her photograph has been discarded, along with the half-eaten fruits and stale lunch meats.  Meanwhile, on Earth, a TV Recapper simply wonders why no one in Rosewood recycles newspaper . . .

Hello, my Pretties!  It’s time for another installment of “A Knows Everything, and Everybody Acts Shady.”  Surprisingly enough, although this episode was depressingly Dr. WREN-LESS . . .

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 . . . and disconcertingly Abs Toby-Free . . .

Pretty Little Spoby

 . . . it still ended up being one of my favorite PLL episodes of the season.

HUH?

Why? You ask . . .

Because, after weeks and weeks of simply raising more questions, this show FINALLY gave us answers . . . It finally gave us (well . . . at least some of) the TRUTH!

Actually, Mr. Nicholson . . . WE CAN!

So, call up Dolce, Gabbana & Liebowitz, put on your least appropriate funeral dress, and pull up a chair in the local cemetery, because it’s time to get started with this recap . . .

Mystery Solved?  Not so fast . . .

“Hi Girls, it’s Police Boy Garrett!  I just happened to be passing through the school boning Blind Jenna in the janitor’s closet, when I saw all you lovely ladies sitting here.  So, I decided to share with you some important information that the viewers needed to know about Dead Creepy Pedo Zombie Ian.”

When we last left our Pretty Little Liars, they were huddled in a barn together, ogling the gory body of Spencer’s Sister’s Dead Fiance . . .

“That’s ME!”

 . . . a traumatizing image that basically guarantees that this foursome will be spending the rest of their lives in therapy . . .

*does Happy Dance* “YEAH!  Show me the MONEY!”  (I’d be smiling right now, but . . . you know . . . Botox.)

Back at school, the girls kindly recap for us what happened last week.  Once they are done doing that, Police Boy Garrett arrives with some lame excuse about “returning evidence to the gym.”  Come on GARRETT!  We all know what (or perhaps I should say WHO) you were doing . . .

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit . . .

Police Boy Garrett has some new information for the girls about Dead Creepy Pedo Zombie Ian.  Or, at least it’s new if you never saw the promos for this week’s episode.  He tells them that the autopsy on Ian’s body proves that, by the time he was found, Ian had already been . . . dead FOR A WEEK!

There must be something magical about Police Boy Garrett’s information reveal.  Because the moment it happens, Spencer and Emily seem to switch bodies.  We know this has happened the minute Emily starts making The Spencer Face.

From that moment on, Emily spends the rest of the episode doing Spencer Things like “Super Sleuthing,” “Mystery Solving,” “Suspect Interrogation,” and “Love Interest Judging.”  This is a side of Emily we had never seen before!  And having the opportunity to see it now, makes me almost as excited as I was the first time we met Drunk Emily . . .

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GOOD TIMES!

Spencer!Emily Deciphers Coded Suicide Notes!

After the rest of the girls leave the outdoor lounge (with Emily!Spencer undoubtedly wondering why she is suddenly crushing on girls) Spencer!Emily receives (SURPRISE!) yet another cryptic text message from “A.”  The difference of course, is, while most of A’s messages to the girls are merely mean, or annoying, this one is actually quite helpful! 

That’s right Spencer!Emily!  It’s time to do some Detective Work . . .

Helping Emily out is the fact that the girls have not only had the foresight to photograph Ian’s suicide note . . .

 . . . they’ve also saved every text message any of them have ever received from “A” on their cell phones.

Although an enterprising fan had already put together these clues for us last week, I have to say, I was rather impressed with the Mix N’ Match / Word Jumble way Emily figured out that Ian’s so-called suicide note was really nothing more than a list of A’s Greatest Text Messaging Hits. 

(Though, honestly, he or she really should have considered including My Personal Favorite “A” Message in this list . . .)

“Lions and Tigers and B*tches, Oh MY!”

(I still haven’t figured out how “A” managed to insert a text message into a Fortune Cookie!  Best Magic Trick EVER!)

You know what this means, don’t you?  Either Dead Creepy Pedo Ian was an extremely avid Pretty Little Liars fan, OR Ian had died back in the Bell Tower, and “A” shot him and forged the suicide note, to make it look like he wrote it . . .

But, not to worry Spencer!Emily fans!  Our Veronica Mars 3.0 (because the real Spencer is Veronica Mars 2.0, obviously) isn’t finished sleuthing.  Not . . . even  . . . close.

Spencer!Emily Interrogates Fed Ex Dude!

No offense, Logan Reed, but I remember you being a bit hotter you were on this show . . .

Open your legs and spread ’em!  (I think I’ve seen a few pornos that began this way.)

While picking up a package at Fed Ex, Emily notices a familiar face behind the counter.  (Cue The Spencer Face!)  Upon further investigation, she learns that Fed Ex Dude is actually Logan Reed.   Remember him?  He’s the guy who SOMEONE paid off to take the ransom money Police Boy Garrett and the girls used to try to catch Creepy Pedo Ian in the act of stealing the incriminating Dead Ali Snuff Porn video that “A” sent to them.

“Ohhhh YEAH!  I remember him!”

Poor Logan Reed pretty much pees himself, upon realizing that Emily recognizes him.  So, he runs away from her like a B*tch!

“Your ass is GRASS, Mister!”

However, with a little persistence, Spencer!Emily is eventually able to get Logan to talk.  He tells her that he had never even met Dead Creepy Zombie Pedo Ian.  Rather, he found an advertisement on line, offering him cash, if he pretended to be Ian and picked up some ransom money.  After Logan accepted the “job,” the rest of the transaction was completed by phone.  And the person on the other end of the line was . . . A WOMAN!

Now, I give credit where credit is due.  And I have to say, for a PLL I have always described as being not the brightest bulb in the lamp, Emily has shown herself to be pretty smart this week.  So, of course, before the episode ends, she has to do something PRETTY DARN STUPID to “even things out a bit” . . .

Spencer!Emily Trusts Police Boy Garrett (AGAIN!)

EMILY: “Hey, aren’t you that guy from the Lizzie McGuire Movie?”

GARRETT:  “I have no idea what you are talking about.”

It’s been almost a year?  Haven’t the PLL girls learned by now that all the cops in Rosewood are shady douche-monkeys, who just happen to look good with their shirts off?  Just like all Rosewood teachers like to make monkey with their younger students.

Oh, Deputy Douchey!  I miss YOU!

For whatever reason, Spencer!Emily gets the bonehead idea to tell Police Boy Garrett about Logan Reed, and the whole Ransom Money Thing . . .

Riiiiight . . . because this guy has been SO helpful and trustworthy thus far, it TOTALLY makes sense to confide in him again. 

Initially, of course, Police Boy Garrett shrugs off Emily’s information, basically telling her that Logan Reed doesn’t matter, since Ali’s killer, i.e. Ian, has already “confessed.”  Later, however, we see him (1) paying Logan WADS OF CASH to leave town, and never talk to Emily, or any of the PLL girls, again .  . .

Wow!  That’s a lot of Green Stuff!  They must pay cops REALLY WELL in Rosewood, which is strange, especially considering how bad they all suck.

 . . . and (2) calling Blind Jenna to tell her everything has gone according to plan. 

“Hey Baby, what are you wearing?”

“I don’t know.  Whatever Toby dressed me in, this morning.”

In all honesty, I think most of us had figured out, long before this episode aired, that Blind Jenna and Police Boy Garrett were the ones who orchestrated the Ian Porn Tape Handoff, last season.  But still, it was nice to FINALLY get conclusive evidence that this had occurred.  And yet, aside from doing whatever it takes to keep their own relationship a secret, Police Boy Garrett’s and Blind Jenna’s connection to “A” and/or Ali’s murder still remains to be seen .  . .

But fear not, my Pretties!  Spencer!Emily still has one more sleuthing trick up her sleeve.  However, I’m going to save that one for the very end of this recap, just to keep you guessing . . .

Speaking of Emily’s alter-ego / body swapping partner for the week . . .

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished (especially, when you are related to an EVIL WENCH like Crazy Nanny Carrie Melissa)

Coincidentally, this is a photograph of Melissa .  . . about two seconds before her head starts spinning around and spewing out green stuff.

Normally known for her Nancy Drew-itus, Spencer was surprisingly Emily-like this week, in that she opted to steer completely clear of “A”-themed drama, in favor of “moving on with her life.”  In fact, when Emily first came to her with all her Super Sleuth News, Spencer COMPLETELY BLEW HER OFF!

Unfortunately for Spencer, A had other plans for her snarkiest victim.  It all started when Spencer decided to do something nice for her traumatized, but still patently unlikeable, sister, by convincing her parents to give Dead Creepy Zombie Pedo Ian a full-fledged funeral, so that Melissa could get closure on her bizarre romantic relationship with the guy.

Remember this scene . . . where Spencer mistook her own grandmother for a reporter, and called her a Scum-Sucking Bottom Feeder over the phone, possibly giving the Old Lady a heart attack?  Good times!

By the way, I always found it a bit strange that Creepy Pedo Ian seemingly had no family, whatsoever.  Then again, this fact just confirms my suspicion that he is actually a Devil Spawn.

 . . . or an Evil Leprechaun . . .

All this Scum Sucking Bottom Feederness is actually followed up by a very sweet, poignant, and touchingly well-acted moment, in which Spencer’s mother FINALLY apologizes for never believing Spencer about Creepy Pedo Ian being a total sociopath.  (Now we’ve just got to wake Mommy up to the fact that her other daughter is a Psychotic Wench . . . baby steps.)

In addition to doing this, Mama Hastings also gets major points for STILL loving Dr. Wren as much as we do, and giving him his only shout-out in the entire episode.

Later, up in her room, Spencer starts looking for wedding rings online (not that Melissa would want to wear that ring NOW).  

To her chagrin she learns that Creepy Pedo actually spent a whopping $10 Gs on Melissa’s ring.  (The Rosewood school system must pay pretty well, I guess).  Even the knock off rings are too rich for Spencer’s blood!

“Hmmm . . . I wonder how much money Toby is going to spend on MY wedding ring, considering I BOUGHT HIM A CAR.”

Always one to add insult to injury, “A” picks this as the opportune moment to drop Spencer a little love text . . .

Note:  The word “ring” has TWO meanings . . . 😉

Later in the episode, Melissa does that thing she does every few episodes, in which she pretends to be nice to Spencer, by apologizing for not believing a word she says, turning her own parents against her, and basically torturing her, throughout her ENTIRE existence.  But just when Spencer is about to confess her sins to her sister, a phone RINGS, from inside her purse.

Surprise!  It’s Ian’s PHONE . . . the one “A’s” been using to send Melissa messages from a Dead Man . . .AND the one “A” slipped into Spencer’s purse at the end of last week’s episode, seemingly for this precise purpose.  Now convinced that her own sister totally hates her as much as all the viewers do, Melissa FREAKS OUT, and stomps off, leaving a shocked and saddened Spencer in her wake.

“What’s wrong?  Was it something I texted?”

Poor Spencer!  She can NEVER WIN . . . well . . . ALMOST never .  . .

In that horrifying moment, Emily!Spencer was put to rest, and Sleuthing Spencer came out of retirement . . . possibly for good . . .

Meanwhile, in Hanna-land . . .

From “Eat, Pray, Love” to “Drink, Snap, Slap,” to “Hug, Kiss, Screw?”

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When we first see Hanna, Caleb has stopped by her home again to stare at her boobs some more see how she’s been holding up, since the Dead Body Encounter.  At first, Hanna is not exactly responsive to Caleb’s obvious affectionate overtures.  “One date does not a relationship make,” she lectures.

“OK . . . but how about multiple dates, some almost-shower sex, a few hot breakfast makeout sessions, my taking your virginity in a tent, and my living in your house for weeks, before, finally, telling you I love you.  Does that a relationship make?”

Hanna apologizes for her rudeness, and inquires as to whether Caleb has ever seen a dead body before.  He tells her that he has.  (Something tells ME, there’s a juicy story there . . .)  At some point during all this, Hanna’s mom barges in, all freaked out because Hanna has not been answering her cell phone. 

In a surprisingly sweet scene, that serves as an excellent parallel to the one I described earlier between Spencer and her mom, Hanna’s mom admits that ever since this whole thing happened with Dead Creepy Pedo Zombie Ian, she has been frantic that something bad would happen to Hanna too (or, at least, something worse than all the awful crap that has already happened).  Hanna lies reassures her Mom that the worst is over, and the two share an intensely emotional hug, as Caleb looks on awkwardly at the Tampon Commercial playing out right before his very eyes .  . .

In other Mama Marin is Trying to Be a Good Parent news, Mommy Dearest rightly instructed her daughter that a tight slutty little red dress is NOT appropriate funeral attire, no matter how much you despise the Dearly Departed  . . .  “It’s a funeral, not a Nicki Minaj concert,” Mama Marin quips, earning extra points for actually knowing who Nicki Minaj is . . .

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But you don’t really care about Hanna and her Mom, do you?  You want to hear more about HALEB!  Well, my Pretties, you are in luck, because things are about to get pretty steamy in Haleb town . . .

Not this steamy, mind you . . . but close.

It all starts when Hanna apologizes to Caleb at school for forcing him to be a witness to her and her mother’s “chick flick.”  Caleb admits that he envies Hanna’s close relationship with her mother.  After all, Caleb’s only relationship with his Foster Mom is when she shows up at Social Services meetings to collect her checks. 

Caleb notes that there’s a big difference between “Eat, Pray, Love” and “Drink, Snap, Slap.”

Hanna learns first hand that Caleb is telling the truth about his Evil Miss Hannigan from Annie-type Foster Mom, when she arrives at school, berating him for not making her look “good” at one of their meetings.  Thinking fast and rightly assuming that Evil Foster Mom knows precisely NOTHING about fashion, Hanna confronts Evil Foster Mom herself, claiming that if Momsy doesn’t promptly return to Caleb ALL the money she’s been basically stealing from him, Hanna’s mother, who works for the firm of Dolce, Gabbana and Leibowitz (ha ha ha) will sue the Walmart Clearance Rack pants off of her.

“I think I just pooped myself.”

Believe it or not, Caleb’s NotMom, though clearly clever enough to defraud the Foster Care System is also dumb enough to believe Hanna’s lame threat.  So, she promptly leaves Caleb a wad of cash before skipping town for good.  Recognizing that Hanna is clearly behind all this, Caleb ditches a night watching Goonies with Lucas . . .

Awww Lucas!  You really ARE Seth Cohen Reincarnated, aren’t you?

 . . . to spend some more time in Hanna’s kitchen eye f*&king her to pieces.  And for THIS, Hanna rewards HIM, by cleaning his teeth with her tongue.  Ahhhhh, Young Love!

Speaking of . . . well . . . slightly less Young Love . . .

Trouble in Ezria-land / Jason Makes His Move

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Aria and Fitzy are having a little Heart-to-Heart in his New Swanky College Professor Office, while Fitzy’s Poor Man’s Megan Fox and let’s face it, Megan Fox is already pretty Poor Man, herself ex-fiance lurks outside, sporting a major Puss Face.

Remember that awful movie, Jennifer’s Body, where Megan Fox . . . like ATE people?  That’s kind of what I imagine Jackie would like to do to Aria here . . .

Awkwardness ensues when Jackie starts flirtatiously calling Fitzy “Z,” and Fitzy responds by referring to Aria as “My Former Student Who I Occasionally Screw.”

Being the patient person she can sometimes be, Aria lets Fitzy off pretty easy for this relationship faux pas, by making him promise to start referring to her as his “friend” in the future.

With “friends” like these, who needs sex toys enemies?

Back at home, Aria gets a late-night visit from Facelift Jason, who, apparently found Aria’s Sociopathic Kleptomaniac brother lurking around his yard, in the middle of the night.  Facelift Jason SAYS that he doesn’t want to rat out Mike for stealing his stuff, because HE TOO, used to be a Very Bad Boy.  And yet, the way he ogles Aria (not to mention, lingers for WAY TOO LONG by the doorway, long after Mike is safely back inside the house)  makes me think that the REAL REASON that Facelift Jason didn’t rat out Aria’s brother, is because he wants to get into those Montgomery pink panties, STAT!

I have this theory that, in addition to being able to change his face and body at will, Facelift Jason also has X-ray Vision.  (“The better to see what color bra you are wearing, My Dear Aria.”)

Later, in an intense discussion with Devil Boy Mike, Aria learns that HE is the one that is probably “A” has been stealing camping gear, and other assorted supplies from houses throughout the neighborhood . . . just for fun.

Geez DUDE!  You and Melissa should join the Evil Siblings Brigade!

Devil Boy is ALSO responsible for doing THIS to Aria, a few episodes back (while he was busy raiding Spencer’s house, of course) . . .

Nothing is sweeter than Brotherly LOVE!

At Ian’s funeral, Aria is pleasantly surprised when Fitzy arrives there to support her in her hour of need . . .

However, that happiness quickly sours, when Fitzy, upon being confronted by Aria’s parents, wimps out, and says he’s there to support “all his students.”  (LAME!) 

Oooh!  You are SO in the Doghouse for that one, Fitzy!

Speaking of the funeral, I found the image of the four PLL girls standing front and center in front of the coffin, with not entirely solemn looks on their faces to be highly reminiscent of the PLL poster that ABC Family put out in early Season 1, as well as the show’s opening sequence.  A very cool little parallel, Production Department!  Kudos for this!

During the services, Aria spots a rather contrite-looking Facelift Jason sitting off to the side, and mentions his presence to Emily.

“I am so friggin high, I have no idea how I got here . . .”

With an attitude highly reminiscent of the judgy snarkiness Spencer used to use to describe Abs Toby, back in Season 1, Emily angrily calls Facelift Jason A FREAK!  And it, honestly, seems really out of character for Emily, especially since she was the FIRST of the PLL girls to trust Toby, back when everyone else was calling HIM a freak . . .

Then again, those Abs ARE freakishly sexy!

I was momentarily confused by this.  But then I remembered that this week Emily is Spencer!Emily.  So, I decided to let it go . . .

“Oh, shut up and go back into your OWN body, SPENCER!”

After the services, Aria gives Fitzy ONE LAST CHANCE to make things right between them, by admitting to him that all she wants is ONE SINGLE ITTY BITTY HUG from him right now.  I actually think this was a fairly REASONABLE request on Aria’s part.  After all, EVERYONE HUGS at funerals.  It’s not exactly a gesture that screams Illicit Affair.  And besides, Fitzy had to notice how vulnerable Aria was in that moment.  But . .  . HE WIMPED OUT ANYWAY, rushing away from the scene as fast as his little pasty white legs could carry him . . .

“SAYONARA SUCKA!”

So, partly to get revenge on Fitzy, and partly, because she was genuinely concerned for his well-being, Aria goes to sit next to Facelift Jason on the bench.

Now, as much as I tease Facelift Jason (and I don’t plan on stopping anytime soon), I must say that I think Drew Van Acker is actually a pretty darn talented actor.  (And it doesn’t hurt that he shares a major resemblance to Sasha Pieterse’s Ali)  This scene, in which Facelift Jason admitted to Aria, always having been jealous of Ali, and worrying that the wrong child in his family died, was oddly touching.  Lucy Hale was also stellar in this scene.  And the way she comforted Facelift Jason seemed really genuine to me.

During this exchange, we also learned that, up until Creepy Pedo Ian’s death, Facelift Jason always worried that HE killed Ali, since he was so stoned and drunk the night of her murder that he blacked out and doesn’t remember a thing.  What’s worse, “A” seemed to have left a note in his pocket on that fateful night . . .

Hey, isn’t that the name of a movie?

(Geez!  Imagine how disappointed Facelift Jason is going to be, when he finds out that Creepy Pedo Ian DIDN’T really kill Alison, and that he’s still a suspect.  Then again, by that point, he will probably be too busy sucking face with Aria to care.)

Speaking of the Dead Guy . . .

It’s SNUFF FILM TIME!

Remember earlier on in this recap, when I said that Spencer!Emily has one more Sleuthing Trick up her sleeve?  Well, here it is!  Upon getting a message and a map from A, connecting Ian’s coffin to Ali’s, Emily decides to take the rest of the PLL’s on a fun little cemetery field trip.  When they get to Ali’s grave, that old porn video that supposedly showed Ian having sex with killing Alison plays from a projector somewhere in the midst . . . except, NOW the video is unedited.  And NOW it shows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Creepy Pedo DID NOT kill Ali! 

The question, of course, is WHO DID?  And why did “A” seemingly trick the girls into thinking Ian was the killer?  As the episode draws to a close, we see a dark (kind of short?) figure emerge from the darkness, carrying a video projector.   The ominscient “A” has struck again!

So, my Pretties!  I turn this episode over to YOU.  What did you think?  Any guesses now as to who “A” is?  How about Ali’s killer?  Do you hate Melissa and Mike as much as I do?  Are you Team Ezria or Team Jaria?  And, most importantly, when do you think Dr. Wren and Abs Toby are coming back?

See ya next week!

(P.S.  Special  thanks to THIS AMAZING WEBSITE for all the spectacular screencaps you see here!)

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Old Habits Die Hard (But Creepers Die Harder) – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Blind Dates”

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Doctor Wren has officially won the award for Person I Would Most Want to Be Hugging, When I Learned that My Sister’s Creepo Fiance (Who I Thought Was Already Dead) May Have Offed Himself for Killing My Best Friend.  Congratulations, Dr. Wren!  Come and claim your prize!  (It’s ME!)

Welcome back, My Pretties!  The title of this episode is actually pretty fitting, in that the hour was all about “flying blind,” and venturing into unknown territory . . .   And yet, I must say that, given the title, it was a bit strange that ONE particular character did not appear at all . . .

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“HELLO . . . the episode is called BLIND Dates . . .  I’m BLIND Jenna.  Like, DUH!”

In addition to lacking the unique creepiness of Blind Jenna, “Blind Dates” also: got us up close and personal with my FAVORITE PLL BOY IN THE WORLD . . .

“I’m right here, Baby!”

 . . . showed us how Facelift Jason’s body has changed since the “operation” . .  .

 

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. . . treated us to a free therapy session . . .

“I”m listening.”

 . . . and taught us just how much Zombie Creepy Pedo Ian likes (his own) BRAAAAAAAAIIIINNS!

So, what are we waiting for?   Let’s go on some “Blind Dates!”

Guard your Pawn (and other things I’ve learned from Pretty Little Liars)

“You are a LIAR!  I am SO reporting you to the Shady Pawnbroker’s Association of America.”

Those of us who were a bit scandalized by Spencer’s surprisingly cold decision to pawn off her own sister’s wedding ring for cash to buy her boyfriend a car, were probably a bit relieved to know that she at least PLANNED to buy it back, shortly thereafter.  Now, don’t ask me HOW Spencer got the money to do that so quickly. 

Pretty Little Escort Service?

It doesn’t really matter, anyway.  Because, as we recall from last week, Gloved Hand SOMEHOW convinced the pawnbroker that Spencer was lying about ownership of the ring.  And then, HE OR SHE took it off the pawnbroker’s hands.  How Gloved Hand was able to do that remains a mystery.  Did this person have, by chance, a receipt for the original ring’s purchase?  Did he or she simply pay the guy off?  Or is “A,” by chance, a vampire with strange compulsion powers, who can make people do his or her evil bidding, without argument?

Whatever the reason, when Spencer returns to the pawn shop, Shady Pawn Broker Dude ends up giving her the MOST EXPENSIVE RUSTY HORSESHOE EVER MADE, claiming never to have seen the ring AT ALL!  (Remember the horseshoe, as it will be important later.)

Outside in Shadytown, the PLL girls are admiring a literary reference from The Great Gatsby .  . .

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Don’t you love when PLL rewards you for being a nerd? 🙂

Not only are the watchful eyes in the billboard, a take off on the book’s cover, the creepy advertisement itself comes right out of a passage from the famous novel, which, if I recall, the girls read in Mr. Fitz’s class, a few episodes back.

Spencer rushes outside, making her Spencer Face, and having a hissy fit about the loss of her sister’s ring.

“Hmmm . . . maybe if I pawn Toby’s car, I can get the ring back.”

The girls comfort her briefly, before rushing home to pretend they HAVEN’T been “secretly” hanging out with one another every second of the day, against their lame therapist’s wishes.

As they are leaving, they all get yet another text from “A.”  Something about diamonds being a girl’s best friend.

Hey Aria’s Mom . . . ever hear of the term absence makes the heart grow fonder?  I didn’t think so . . .

So, let me get this straight.  In the matter of about a week, Aria’s mom has gone from living elsewhere, to boinking her husband in secret, to moving back home, to TEACHING ARIA’S ENGLISH CLASS?  Talk about too close for comfort!

I guess Aria will have to find another way to get “extra credit” now.

I don’t know.  I just find it strange that out of ALL the classes Mama Montgomery could teach at school, the administration decides to give her ARIA’S English class.  Granted, Fitzy had recently vacated the position.  But still . . . couldn’t the school have shuffled the faculty around a bit, to prevent this inevitable awkwardness from happening?  Just sayin’ . . .

Now, Mom seems to always be on poor Aria’s ASS, 24-7 . . . telling her not to hang out with her PLL friends EVEN on school grounds, forcing her to meet up with her bratty little brother after school to “give him the keys,” giving her dating advice.  Seriously!  It’s enough to make a girl want to rebel, by screwing a guy seven years her senior. 😉

Speaking of Bratty Little Brother . . .

Aria Gets Blackmailed . . . Reminisces About Her “Goth” Days

 “Look at me  .  . . looking all angsty, and BAD ASS with my pink hair, and my chains, and my medium-sized cup of fat free frozen yogurt with sprinkles . . .”

Aria is on a mission to rescue Bratty Little Brother Mike from The Darkside.  After all, she knows what it’s like to be there.  Back when Aria had (gasp) PINK HAIR she was SUPER “dark.”  So, when Aria heads to find her Bratty Little Brother on the basketball court, and learns he HASN’T PLAYED IN MONTHS . . .

 .  . . Aria is suspicious.  And yet, she is not quite suspicious enough that she feels she doesn’t have time to flirt with a Shirtless Facelift Jason, who, apparently, still plays basketball with high school kids, despite having graduated quite some time ago.  LAME!

Here’s the thing about Facelift Jason.  He has a great body, certainly.  (The comb-over hairstyle could use a bit of work though.)  But he definitely seems like one of those guys who’s forever stuck in the past. 

Forget for a moment that he’s hanging out at the high school shooting hoops, when he should be . . . I don’t know . . . trying to find a REAL job.  Observe the way he compares himself to Aria’s younger brother, by telling Aria that HE TOO used to lie to his parents, and ditch his sister on multiple occasions to do VERY BAD THINGS.  Then, he “flatters” Aria, by telling her that he thinks the pink hair she had, back when she was 12 or 13, totally turned him on, despite the fact that he was probably about 18 at that time, and . . . well . . . that’s just creepy.

Aria doesn’t seem to mind too much though . . .

“Well . . . considering how expensive plastic surgery can be, I’m thinking Facelift Jason has more money than . . . say . . . a guy who teaches at Hollis.  Date HIM, and I can buy all the pink hairdye I want!”

Now, I know . . . I know . . .  there is supposed to be a GREATER age difference, between Aria and Fitzy, and Aria and Facelift Jason.  (This is part of the reason they made the casting change, in the first place.)  The DIFFERENCE, of course, is that Fitzy didn’t know Aria, back when she was in diapers, and Facelift Jason did.   You see what I’m getting at here?

When Aria arrives home, Bratty Little Brother surprises her, by acting all evil and shady. 

Bratty Little Brother basically blackmails Aria to keep a secret from their parents the fact that, for the past few months, he has been mutilating small woodland creatures, when he’s supposed to be practicing his jump shot.  He does this by threatening to tell Ma and Pa Montgomery that Aria has been hanging out with the PLL’ers, even though she promised not to do so.  (But, honestly, if these parents haven’t figured that out by now, they don’t deserve to procreate.)

Watching Bratty Little Brother “act out,” because his Dad screwed his assistant, and his parents were split up for all of two seconds, I couldn’t help but be reminded of another little brother, who similarly “acted out, did drugs, backtalked his Big Sis, and was generally “up to no good,” at the beginning of his television series . . .

(Coincidentally, I think Goth Jeremy and Goth Aria would make an ADORABLE couple.)

The difference, of course, is that Jeremy had a REALLY GOOD REASON to be angsty and pissed off at the world.  Both his parents DIED AT THE SAME TIME.  Let’s face it, that SUCKS THE BIG ONE. 

Douchebag-in-Training

I just have a bit of difficulty garnering sympathy for a kid, who comes from relatively wealthy, generally loving, parents (annoying as they may be) that are willing to put aside their differences, in order to provide stability for their teenage children.  I mean, teens rebel for all sorts of reasons.  It’s kind of a right of passage.  But for Bratty Little Brother to blame HIS rebellion his parents seems like a bit of a cop out to me.

That, being said, who knows?  Maybe he will end up being “A.”

Meanwhile, in Emilyville . . .

Why Samara is Officially My Favorite of Emily’s Girlfriends!

“Don’t worry, Emily!  I won’t accidentally leave my pot-filled bookbag at your house, so that my parents ship me off to de-gaying camp, or try to drown you in the pool, or start dating Boring Sean . . .”

Sometimes I wonder if Samara actually ATTENDS her school at all!  Because, as she mentioned to Emily, after her swim meet, she DOESN’T attend Rosewood prep.  And yet, I’ve seen her wandering around the school hallways more than PLL Significant Other Vortex Resident, Little Orphan Bitchy . . .

Samara wants to congratulate Emily on winning YET ANOTHER swim meet, which Emily seems to do at least once every episode.  She also wants to congratulate her on her acceptance to Danby.  The latter congratulations, of course, make Emily feel like crap.  After all, she just got a package from “Danby” . . .

Get it?  The “A” Team – Har de har har.

The fact that Emily’s mom is being all nice, and non-homophobic, for a change, just makes Emily feel even WORSE for lying to her.   Emily’s mom even goes so far as to invite Samara over for a Celebration Dinner, which Samara gratefully accepts. 

But still, Samara senses Emily’s discomfort with the whole situation, and asks her what’s up.  While, Emily can’t conceivably tell her new girlfriend that she is being stalked by some omnipotent creature named “A,” who won’t allow her family to move away to Texas, she IS honest with her, about the fact that SHE wrote the Danby scholarship / acceptance letter, not the swim team recruiter.  What I love about Samara is that she is completely unfazed by and nonjudgmental of her girlfriend’s confession.  Rather, she simply reassures her that everything will work itself out in the end.

Is it just me?  Or does Emily look like she’s wearing A LOT of makeup, for someone who supposedly just got out of a pool?

Unlike Emily’s two previous girlfriends, who were SOCIAL disasters around Emily’s parents (Remember Maya, and the “I thought you ate fish” Dinner from Hell?), Samara effortlessly charms Mama Fields, reminiscing with her about the unique joys of scrapbooking.  But Samara doesn’t REALLY prove her worth as a member of Team PLL, until she stops Emily from confessing about the letter.  “I told Emily she should wait until senior year to accept her offer from Danby.  Plenty of other scholarship offers will be made to her, between now and then.  So, she shouldn’t be too hasty in choosing a college.”  Samara says more or less!  (GENIUS!)

“Yep, I’m that good.”

Emily’s mom buys the load of bull poop Samara is selling, hook, line, and sinker.  And Emily, of course, though still nervous about her future, is beyond grateful.  (In other words, I’m thinking SOMEONE is going to be getting extremely lucky tonight! ;))

Hanna Experiments with Multiple Personality Disorder / Wins Award for Best Wingwoman EVER!

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Like most of the parents on PLL (with the exception of Spencer’s asshat favorite-playing parents), Hanna’s mom, who used to be the most dysfunctional mom on the block (sexying up detectives, stealing from old ladies, etc.), is trying her hand at “responsible parenting.”  She does this by demanding that her only daughter attend a private therapy session with Dr. Feel Bad herself, Anne Sullivan, so that she can “cope with the loss of Alison.”

“So, basically, now that you’ve required us all to have separate sessions with you, you get paid four times as much, right?  Clever!”

During the first session, Hanna says nothing.  She’s pissed off that she has to be there in the first place, and doesn’t want to give Dr. Feel Bad the satisfaction of hearing her pour her heart out.  Before Hanna leaves, however, Dr. Feel Bad makes a comment that sticks with her.  She tells Hanna that Hanna has not yet “let go” of Alison from her life, and that this has kept her from healing.

“That will be $250, please.”

At school, Hanna runs into Lucas, who is so nervous about his upcoming date with Danielle that he makes THIS face . . .

He kind of looks like a cartoon character here.  Am I right?

Lucas complains to Hanna that his nervousness has thrown him “completely off his game.” 

“Lucas, you don’t have any game,” Hanna remarks.

(Hey Hanna, that’s not true!  Lucas has plenty of game!  And besides, he’s SETH COHEN-Y!  And that makes him “stealth.”)

A freaked out Lucas threatens to cancel the date, if Hanna doesn’t come with him.  And since Hanna refuses to be a third wheel, he suggests she bring Caleb along.

In that case, I have a GREAT idea as to where the First Date should be!

I really do love the softer side that Lucas always seems to brings out of Hanna, whenever they are together.  She might not be traditionally attracted to him . . . yet.  But she definitely cares about him, in an almost maternal way.  And I can tell you first hand, that this kind of caring, can blossom into attraction, while you are looking in the other direction. 

I’m also enjoyed the unexpected bromance between seeming polar opposites Caleb and Lucas.  Some might argue that Caleb is only “pretending” to care about Lucas’ sex life, in order to get back Hanna’s panties.   But I choose to believe that the brotherly feelings Caleb has toward the guy who brought him back to Rosewood to “make Hanna happy” are genuine.

Where’s your food, Caleb?  Too lovesick to eat?  Or are you just afraid that putting certain things in your mouth will destroy your “street cred?”

What I do NOT buy, however, is Caleb’s blase “yeah, I guess I’ll do it,” attitude, when Hanna agrees to take Caleb with her on Lucas’ now-double date.  Inside, you just KNOW he is doing THIS . . .

On the date with Danielle, Lucas is every bit as awkward as Caleb and Hanna fear he will be.  And the fact that Hanna keeps hovering over the couple like a mommy, certainly doesn’t help matters.

“Aren’t we a bit old to have a chaperone?”

Maybe it’s just the Hanna/Lucas shipper in me, but I DO NOT LIKE Danielle, with her perma-b*tchface, and general lack of smileyness.  If I was on a date with Lucas, you could bet I would be smiling.  I mean, he’s a FUN GUY who wears COOL T-Shirts!  What’s not to like?

And yet, I DO like how Danielle seems to sense the unresolved sexual tension between Hanna and Lucas, in a way that the future couple themselves DOES NOT.  Danielle insists that Hanna “still” has the hots for Lucas, which is why she keeps staring at them, instead of paying attention to HER OWN date.  When Danielle goes to the bathroom, Lucas rushes to Caleb and Hanna, and tells them what Danielle said.  Things aren’t looking good for our fabulous foursome.  Until . . . Hanna gets an idea . . .

She tells Caleb to put his arm around Hanna, and act coupley with him.  Caleb gladly complies with the request.  And, when he does it, you can tell just how smitten with our Pretty Little Liar he truly has become . . .

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Hanna, of course, seems more interested in Lucas’ date, than she is in her own.  On one hand, she looks pleased as punch that her plan worked, smiling benevolently, as Danielle grabs Lucas’ hand.  And yet, there is a specific moment, in which Lucas and Hanna both look at one another, as each is fondling their respective date.  In that moment, something we haven’t seen before between these two is clearly evident . .  . jealousy.

After the date, Lucas stops by Hanna’s house to thank her for being so generous with her time and wingwoman abilities.  He tells her how far she has come from being Alison’s lapdog.  It’s a back-handed compliment, for sure.  But Hanna appreciates it, nonetheless.  And it gives her enough pause to make another appointment with Dr. Feel Bad . . .

“I’m going to be RICHHHHHH!”

Gosh, if therapy was even HALF as universally helpful, and fast-working as they make it seem on television, there would be NO mental illness in the world . . . well .  . . except maybe multiple personality disorder.  Within minutes of arriving in therapy, Hanna is having an in-depth conversation with an empty chair.  (Because THAT’S not crazy at all!)

Of course, SHE doesn’t see an empty chair.  Hanna sees Alison.  And, in her mind, Alison is answering her back, being just as snide and bitchy as she was, back when she was alive.

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“Alison you were the best friend I ever had, and that meant a lot to me .  . You meant a lot to me . .  But you were also the worst enemy I ever had.  And I cant believe it took me this long to realize that,” Hanna begins, all healthy and well-adjusted sounding (except for . . . you know .  . . the fact that she is TALKING TO A CHAIR).

Ghost Alison uses the very same tricks to attempt to keep Hanna under her thumb that REAL Alison used, back when she was alive.   She tells her that Hanna is only popular, because Alison made her so.  She tells her that all the PLL girls will eventually abandon her, and that she will become Hefty Hanna again.  And finally, like an emotionally abusive girlfriend, she tells Hanna that SHE is the only one who truly understands Hanna.

The only difference is that THIS time, Hanna isn’t listening.  “You are gone!  And I am SO over missing you!”  Hanna exclaims triumphantly.

And POOF . . . she’s cured!

Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for Dr. Feel Bad, who returns to the office in the evening, to find it completely ransacked.

The wall clock has been knocked off the wall.   And, if the time it was broken is any indication, the break-in happened at 6:05 p.m., just minutes after Hanna left Dr. Feel Bad’s office . . .

Clearly, this is “A’s” handiwork, as signified by the very A-like graffiti spray painted on Dr. Feel Bad’s wall.

The police investigating the break-in tell Dr. Feel Bad that there is no sign of forced entry, making Hanna look pretty guilty for the act.

And yet, us PLL fans know that “A” has broken into this office before to put Fitzy’s diploma on the wall.  There’s a good chance that he or she, at some point, stole and made a spare key to Dr. Feel Bad’s office.   “A” may have even been listening to Hanna’s breakthrough therapy session, which would have undoubtedly made the stalker unhappy about the control she was losing over one of her Pretty Little Liars.

The plot thickens . . .

WRENNNNNNN . .  . and Dead (possibly illiterate) Ian

“This sure beats hanging from a bell tower.”

Remember how I said Spencer’s parents suck this season?  How about when Spencer comes home and finds a note on her door from her Mom that says, “take care of your sister.”  Does this woman KNOW her own kids?  Because, if she did, she would realize that was pretty much an invitation to murder.  Just sayin . . .

Anywhoo . . . Detective Spencer is on the loose again.  Her investigation leader her to  . . . of all people . . . DR. WREN!

I love how Spencer is so territorial of the Hookup Buddy she hasn’t swapped spit with in WAY TOO LONG that she promptly dispatches of the Too Perky Looking Nurse walking at his side.  “Could you . . . like .  . . NOT BE HERE right now,” she tells Perkypants!

That’s right, WOMAN!  Get your candy-striping mitts off My Honey!

Spencer wants to know what sort of things Wren and Melissa have been up to these late nights.  Wren admits that he is giving drugs and medical supplies to his ex-fiance for HER husband.  “Ian tried to KILL ME!”  Spencer explains.

“Are you OK?”  Wren asks hilariously.

“No . . . I’m dead now, and you are talking to a ghost.  But thanks for asking,” replies Spencer.  (Sorry . . . that’s what I would have said to Wren after ripping off his clothing and having my way with him five times.)

*sigh*

Apparently, “Ian” told Melissa that he would only tell her his whereabouts, if she brought the drugs.  (Talk about a SWELL husband!  This one’s a keeper, Crazy Nanny Carrie!)  At first, Wren refuses to help Spencer find Ian, because he doesn’t want Spencer to get hurt.  “Everytime I get involved with you and your sister, people get hurt,” exclaims Wren.  (Well .  . . in their defense, Sexy . . . you WERE digging around both of their mouths for gold.)

Back at the Guest House, Detective Spencer snoops around, while Melissa is in the shower, and finds a bag packed with both men’s and women’s clothing, and Ian’s passport . . .

When Spencer is almost caught by Melissa, she hides behind a tree, and makes THAT FACE again . . .

Eventually, my Lover Boy reconsiders, and decides to help Spencer.  Cleverly, he calls Melissa, and tells her that he needs to see Ian immediately, as, based on the symptoms she described, he may have a Staph Infection.  Wren then calls Spencer, so that she and her pals can follow Wren and Melissa to Ian’s location.  It’s the barn.  (SURPRISE!)

Just outside, Spencer hears Melissa, scream.   So, she and the girls rush in.  Once there, they find Melissa in hysterics in Wren’s arms . . .

That’s when they see it . .  . Ian’s dead body.  He’s DEFINITELY DEAD this time!  There’s a gun right where he is positioned, and a bloody bullet wound in his head that may or may not be fresh.  On the wall of the barn, a horseshoe is missing . . . a horseshoe similar to the one Spencer picked up from the pawnshop.  (I smell a setup!)

From Julian Morris and Torrey Devitto to the PLL girls, the acting in this intense scene is flawless.  Everyone looks understandably horrified, by what they’ve found.  And, for me, the scene accomplished the impossible.  It made me feel sorry for Melissa!

But then, I caught sight of that ridiculous suicide note, and I knew that something was rotten in Rosewood.

Creepy Pedo Ian may have been a lot of things, but he WASN’T stupid, an over-achiever like Melissa wouldn’t have gotten involved, if he was.  And this letter looks and sounds like it was written by a 10-year old.  At least, that’s what I thought at first, until I read this ingenious post on IMDB, linking every line of this note, to a previous text or letter “A” sent the girls.   You can check it out for yourself here.

To me, it seems pretty obvious that Ian died in the Bell Tower, and that “A” has been the one texting back and forth with Melissa all this time.  I suspect that “A” was the one who wrote the suicide note, and shot, and already dead Ian, before stealing the horseshoe and exiting stage left.  Given all that, I’m not entirely sure Ian killed Alison.  To go through two-seasons of clues, only to reveal the solution to one of the show’s big mysteries in a suicide note, just seems like a cop out to me.  And I don’t think the writers of this show would want to do it that way.

Also, as I mentioned earlier, Ian’s “suicide” might not be viewed as a suicide for much longer, if Gloved Hand / A can help it.  Because, in addition to giving Spencer the Phantom Horshoe . . . in the final moments of the episode, he or she places Ian’s cell phone in Spencer’s purse.

I hope you look good in an orange jumpsuit, Spencer!  Because things aren’t looking so good for you right now . . .

See you next week, My Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

No Rest for the Wicked – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “My Name is Trouble”

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Welcome back, My Pretties!  It’s time to return to Rosewood, where all the girls look like supermodels, the boys rarely wear clothing, and “A” knows ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING!  This week, our favorite PLL girls got to show off their respective naughty sides.

But, unfortunately, not in a sexual context . . .

Having spent the majority of last season, watching the typically well-behaved (well, except for Hanna) fabulous foursome suffer as victims of A’s wrath, it was intriguing to see the tables turned, for a change.  Rather than being sinned against, in “My Name is Trouble,” all of our heroines took their shot at being the sinners. 

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Of course, they all did some nice things this week too.  It’s just a lot less interesting to talk about those . . . 

So, put on your devil horns, and leave your morals at the door, because it’s time to be BAD, PLL-style!

I Dream of Scream

HANNA:  “I hate getting stuck in your dreams, Spencer.  You always make us do lame things.  What kind of movie is this, anyway?  It looks older than my grandma!

SPENCER:  “It’s Jekyll and Hyde.  It’s supposed to be eerie and symbolic.”

HANNA: “Eerie and symbolic, my ass . .  . next time, take us out clubbing, or something.”

When the episode begins, our PLL girls are hanging out in the same movie theater where Emily takes all of her dates.  But rather than watching the old film they presumably came to see, the foursome are discussing Possibly Dead / Possibly a Zombie, Creepy Pedo Ian, and whether or not Facelift Jason and Spencer’s Sister Crazy Nanny Carrie Melissa are hiding him in Facelift Jason’s house.  (Fortunately, no one ever goes to this theater, aside from Emily and her girlfriends.  Otherwise, they’d probably get kicked out for talking during the film.) 

Hanna helpfully suggests that the girls strap a dog collar on Melissa that zaps her ass, whenever she leaves the yard.  And, even though I know she’s kidding, I still think it’s a spectacular idea.  Because if anyone deserves an ASS ZAPPING its Spencer’s poopyhead sister . . .

Then, suddenly, a big ole hole burns into the film that the girls were watching, and the Ghostface Killer from Scream pops out at them.

All the girls, understandably, freak out and wonder whether the theater will refund their money. over this VERY rude interruption of their conversation.  However, Aria, who recently DIED in a Scream film, is particularly disconcerted, by this recent turn of events.

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But don’t worry, kiddies!  It’s ALL A DREAM . . . Spencer’s dream, of course.  Sleeping Beauty herself is napping on the couch, when Sweet Sis Melissa barges in and starts groping Poor Spencer, under the guise of “looking for her wedding ring.”

“I understand that you are upset, but I promise you that your ring is NOT IN MY CROTCH!”

Melissa is just about to shake Spencer upside down, to see if the ring falls out of  her bra, when her phone vibrates.  It is Mystery Caller!  He (or she) needs to talk to Melissa in private.  But just in case Spencer didn’t know this was a Super Secret Conversation with a Super Secret Person, Melissa LOUDLY tells Mystery Caller that she must take the call upstairs, so that SPENCER CAN’T HEAR.  (Way to be subtle, SIS!)

“Check it out, Mystery Caller.   My Baby Sis is picking her nose.”

As Shady Melissa rushes up the stairs, Spencer watches after her, while making The Face . . .

That’s the ONE!

Meanwhile, over in Hanna-land . . .

Mama Marin Gives Good Advice (for once)

“Look at you, being all Wise and Materal.   This is another one of Spencer’s dreams, right?”

Downstairs in the Marin kitchen, Hanna awakens to find her mom and dad engaged in some SERIOUS eye f*&king.  Mama Marin laughs at something Papa le Douche says.  This is also part of the eye-f*&king, as Papa le Douche hasn’t said anything remotely humorous, since before Hanna was born . . .

*insert evil laughter here*

Papa le Douche is on this kick, where he wants to “spend time with his daughter” and “be a dad,” so he offers to drive Hanna to school.  “Ummm . . . no thanks.”  Hanna replies, feeling super awkward and uncomfortable.

“Well, THAT was super awkward and uncomfortable.”

After Papa le Douche exits stage left, Hanna calls out her mom for all the eye f*&king she’s been doing.  “What an Eye Slut you are?  Please wear an Eye Condom, next time, so I don’t have to worry about getting Eye Siblings.”  She warns.  (Now, we know the REAL reason Blind Jenna always wears glasses.)

In response, Mama Marin spouts her After School Special Lesson of the Day, “Just because someone hurt us once, doesn’t mean we have to permanently delete them from our phonebook  . . . Things change . . . people grow”  Translation?  *cough Stop Being Such a B*tch to Caleb cough*

Message sent . . . and received.

Later, at school, the PLL girls meet in the bathroom “in secret” for their Daily Pow Wow. 

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How many takes do you think it took for them to get THAT right?

The girls discuss what they’ve been doing since their nonexistent tumultuous therapist-induced Friendship Breakup of Two Weeks ago.  Aria has enrolled in a college class to stalk Fitzy keep Fitzy away from Jackie find other animals she can hide in her hair learn how to make pottery. 

“Don’t look now, Aria.  But I think a bird died in your hair.”

This is actually a surprising choice for Aria, considering that, up to this point, she has expressed positively NO interest in ceramics, and a lot of interest in WRITING.  Given all that, wouldn’t it make sense for her to take a creative writing course, instead?

Spencer has been keeping HERSELF busy playing field hockey, fonding Abs Toby, and stalking her sister.  And Emily has been packing for the move we all know she ISN’T going to end up going through with, while NOT watching movies with temporary new girlfriend, Samara. 

Of all the girls, Hanna has taken the breakup the worst.  So bored is Hanna, that she has resorted to stealing hand lotions from the makeup counter again.  FOR SHAME! 

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Is it any wonder that Hanna, in her extremely vulnerable state, takes one look at Lucas in his adorable “Nerds love Apple Pie” t-shirt, and immediately wants to jump his adorkable bones re-friend him on Facebook.

“Face it, I’m the only guy on this show who actually gets attention for WEARING clothes.”

By the way, did you know that Lucas and Caleb are now living together?  This is going to save Hanna SO MUCH gas money, when she inevitably starts having sex with them both (sometimes AT THE SAME TIME).  It’s a recession economy, after all. 

Hanna asks Lucas to hang out with her.  And even though she’s broken his heart 1,000 times over, he takes pity on her shrink-sanctioned PLL-lessness, and invites her to yearbook club, after school.    While ostensibly working on the yearbook, matchmaker Hanna can’t help but notice that her future lover the same guy who used to sneak into the hospital to kiss her forehead is now ogling the chick that puts together the Appendix Section of the yearbook.  (You GO Lucas!  Way to make her jealous!)

“Don’t even TRY to fight it.  You will be mine by Episode 12.”

Hanna encourages Lucas to make a go of it with Index Chick.  However, Lucas isn’t exactly feeling up for the challenge.  “You, of all people know my batting average, Hanna,” Lucas remarks.

Oh yeah, HE WENT THERE!

“I’m so good at girl-getting, I should write a book.”

Now, Lucas has Hanna feeling BOTH subconsciously jealous that he has moved on to another honey, AND super guilty for how she treated him in the past.  (Current Score:  Lucas: 2, Hanna: 0)  So, Hanna approaches Index Chick (her name is “Danielle” by the way),  and pulls the classic Romantic Comedy Film Move, by basically pretending Lucas is this Massively Popular Ladies Man, to whom she, herself, is attracted (Well, half of that is true.), in order to spark Danielle’s interest. 

The plan works, flawlessly.  And the Nerd Who Loves Apple Pie scores a supposedly-coveted date with Index Chick, even though we all KNOW his heart has never really left Hanna’s pocket.  Later, a bewildered Lucas approaches Hanna, wondering why she went through all this trouble to try and get him laid by someone other than herself.  Echoing her mother’s earlier words, Hanna remarks that she doesn’t want to be judged the rest of her life for her biggest mistakes.  “People change,” she explains.  “They grow.”

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And that, my friends, was how the student became the teacher.  (It was also Lucas’ triumphant first step toward FINALLY getting inside the Marin Pantalones.)

But lest you think that Hanna has grown up SO MUCH, that she’s not fun anymore, wait until you see what she does at the end of the episode!  You see, Hanna has overheard Papa le Douche fighting with his new fiance about their upcoming nuptials.  She’s also been watching her mother flirt with her dad, like nobody’s business.  And so when Hanna finds an unread text message to her dad from the fiance, apologizing, and expressing her undying devotion to him, she . . . DELETES IT FROM HIS PHONE!

Oh, Hanna, you naughty, naughty girl!  Something tells me THAT decision is going to bite you in the ass BIG TIME, in the not-too-distant future.  Hopefully, by then you will be too busy screwing Lucas and/or Caleb to care.

Speaking of screwed . . .

Swimming with the fishes (and the forgers)

Now that “A” trashed Emily’s harddrive, she’s forced to (gasp) actually use PAPER AND PENCIL, when trying to communicate.   How utterly barbaric!

If you recall, last week, Emily tried desperately to get the Dartmouth Danbury Swim Team recruiter to give her a letter of guaranteed admission / scholarship to the college, so that she wouldn’t have to move to Texas . . . a Dreaded Red State.  The problem, of course, was that all the recruiter was willing to give Emily was a “Maybe” letter, which she knew wasn’t going to be good enough to keep her mom in Rosewood.  So, being the idiot optimistic, and forward thinker that she is, Emily decides to FORGE a more forceful recruitment letter on her own.

Later, in the school parking lot, Emily shows Aria and Hanna her handiwork . . .

“Ummm . . . Emily, I doubt that the college recruiter draws hearts over his ‘i’s” and signs his name with a happy face.”

Aria thinks the whole thing is a terrible idea, and that Emily will undoubtedly get caught.  Hanna, however, thinks Emily is an ABSOLUTE EVIL GENIUS, and is SUPER PROUD of her bestie, for being so deliciously underhanded.

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Umm . . . I hate to break it to you Hanna, but the only way YOU are getting into Harvard, is if your mom f*&ks the Dean, on your behalf .  . . On second thought, welcome to the Ivy Leagues, Hanna!

Back at the Fields house, Emily shares an unusually sweet heart-to-heart with her mother.  Apparently, while packing Mrs. Fields (just like the cookies!) has come across some of Emily’s childhood things, and these have caused her to become unusually nostalgic.

“Aww!  Your first diaper is in this box.  Here, smell it!”

In the most welcome Personality Transplant, since Creepy Toby first took off his shirt (and we all suddenly decided he was charming) former Evil Homophobe Mama Fields apologizes to Emily for the pain she must have endured, while having to hide her sexuality from her family.  Emily is touched by her mother’s words, and the two embrace. The exchange ultimately prompts Emily to rip up the faux Dartmouth Danby Promise Letter, and toss it in the trash can.  In hindsight, she probably should have used a shredder . . .

The next day, an excited Emily’s mom comes to her daughter’s room with a letter in her hand.  SURPRISE!  Its from Emily Danby, promising Emily admission to the college, using the EXACT same unbelievably phony words Emily had originally written in her OWN letter.  Understandably freaked out, the  minute her mom leaves the room, Emily starts frantically rummaging through her trashcan to find the original letter fragments. 

They are no where to be found. 

“Wait . .. someone TAPED the letter together, and recopied it?  This “A” sure must have A LOT of time on her hands.”

Having anticipated Emily’s dumpster dive, “A” cleverly left HER OWN little message in Emily’s trashcan, for her to find.  It looked a little something like THIS . . .

Congratulations, PLL, you’ve just cooked up the most bizarrely contrived way possible to keep Emily on the show.  The twenty or so aspiring actresses destined to be cast as her future girlfriends, thank you from the bottom of their heart.  😉

Speaking of contrived encounters . . .

Peekaboo, I see you . . . oh, wait . . . no I don’t

Forget the Opening Dream Sequence.  This is the most frightening animated GIF I have ever laid eyes on!

Over at Hollis College, Fitzy and Aria are engaged in some intense PDA, simply BECAUSE THEY CAN BE! 

This is Fitzy coming up for air, after spending an hour attached to Aria’s tongue . . .

But as we all know, on THIS show, NOBODY gets to makeout in peace.  SOMEONE always has to be watching.  This time, that someone is Fitzy’s VERY PISSY Ex Fiance / Fellow Teacher at Hollis / Facebook Friend, Jackie Molina . . .

Jackie Molina has just updated her Facebook status to: “Researching ways to murder diminutive high school students. . .” /  Jackie has accepted a friend request from “A.”

In pottery class, Aria nearly poops herself, when she finds a a grinning Blind Jenna seated at the pottery wheel, leering at her with supposedly unseeing eyes . . .

“Do you like the piece I’m sculpting?  I call it Toby’s Weiner.”

When the professor asks Aria’s name, she hesitates and says its “Anita.”  I’m guessing “Anita” wasn’t on the class roster, but the professor didn’t seem to care too much.  It’s nice to know that at the “prestigious” Hollis university, you could basically just show up at any class, offer a fake name, and take it for free.  Imagine how much money you would save on getting an education!

 

Hmmm . . . now that I think about it, I probably should have deepened my voice, and used a man’s name, like Aaron.  That would have really thrown off Blind Jenna.

Back at Fitzy’s house, he and Aria, are engaged in a little post-coital Blind Jenna talk.

Why the abundance of clothing, Fitzy?  Don’t you remember what show you are on?

Fitzy wants Aria to play nice with Blind Jenna, and become her friend, despite the fact that she’s a Creepy Brother F*&ker, who paid a guy to seduce her best friend in order to obtain information about her.  Their conversation reminded me of a similar one the pair had last year, in which Fitzy became obsessed with what a fabulous WRITER Blind Jenna was.  So, let me get this straight, Aria and Blind Jenna are BOTH writers, they both love pottery, AND they are both taking courses at Hollis?

Is Blind Jenna, like Aria’s Evil Twin, or something?

You have to admit, there’s a resemblance there . . .

The next day, at pottery class, Aria has a close call when Jenna trips, and the professor asks “Anita” to help her.  Fortunately, some dude, who’s probably dumb enough to be attracted to Blind Jenna offers to help instead.  And yet, Aria, who isn’t exactly the sharpest tool in the shed, decides to stay after class, even though SHE AND BLIND JENNA are the only ones left in there.

Not surprisingly, Blind Jenna once again asks “Anita” for help.  Except now, there’s no horny boy to take Aria’s place.  At Jenna’s request, Aria places a light inside BJ’s ceramic bowl, and puts it on a nearby turntable . . .

Who knew pottery class could be so darn emotional?  Suddenly, Jenna is getting all weepy, remembering the good old days before Aria and co. lit a firecracker in her house while she was raping Abs Toby, blinding her for life when she used to be able to see.  This, of course, makes Aria feel like crap, and probably wish she was at home fondling Fitzy’s naked stomach, instead of Blind Jenna’s ugly ass bowl . . .

Step aside Michaelangelo’s “David” . . . this is Aria’s “Fitzy”

Blind Jenna then starts randomly describing how lights reflected off the water, when she used to go swimming.  She then asks “Anita” to describe for Blind Jenna what her pottery looks like.  Aria basically repeats exactly what Blind Jenna said, “Uhhhh . . . yeah . . . it looks like you swimming . . . or something.”

Recognizing Aria’s voice, Blind Jenna angrily demands that she blow out the candle, leaving the pair alone together in the dark of an empty classroom.  Aria reluctantly complies . . .

Then THIS happens . . .

Just KIDDING!  She’s fine, guys  . . . Blind Jenna didn’t end up killing her . . . yet.

You know who’s LESS than fine though . . . Spencer.

“If you like it, than you should have put a ring on it.”

You GO, Abs Toby!  Shake that ass!

For someone who’s “just getting his GED,” Abs Toby sure shows up at the high school often.  Fortunately, for him, however, Spencer doesn’t seem to mind too much . . .

“This sure beats making out with Blind Jenna.”

Spencer wants Toby to have coffee with her in between classes.   (Really, Spencer?  You have enough time in between classes to have coffee?  What kind of high school is this?)  Unfortunately, Toby is heading off for his weekly excuse to be half naked new job doing yardwork at Facelift Jason’s house. 

Spencer NO LIKEY!  She doesn’t trust Facelift Jason ONE BIT (partly, because she can no longer recognize his face saw the movie Face Off, and it gave her nightmares).

Spencer begs Toby to get a job working for someone who ISN’T possibly a deranged killer.  He’d love to do so, except for the fact that all the people in town who AREN’T deranged killers, think that TOBY killed Facelift Jason’s sister, Alison.  And, therefore, won’t hire him.  He WAS offered a job in Yardley, however, he has no car, and plans to use the cash he gets from Facelift Jason to pay for the used junker he found in the paper.

“Be careful, Toby!  He already stole someone else’s face, hair, clothing, personality and HOME.  He might steal your ABS, if you aren’t careful.”

Later that day, Snoopy Spencer arrives at Facelift Jason’s house, directly after Field Hockey practice, to ogle her hot shirtless and sweaty boyfriend.   But, instead, she finds a not quite shirtless, but still hot and sweaty, Facelift Jason . . .

Though Facelift Jason tries to distract Spencer with his mesmerizing arms of steel, and obnoxiously perfect hair, a wily Spencer still notices someone moving behind the curtains in Facelift Jason’s home, even though he SWEARS no one else is living there but him.  Who IS this mystery person?  Is it Possibly Dead / Possibly a Zombie Creepy Pedo Ian?

Is it Melissa?

Is it Maya, escaped from the PLL Lost Love Interest Vortex?

Perhaps, it could even be Jason 1.0 . . .

Spencer is confused, and freaked out by this development.  And you know what THAT means.  That’s right, my Pretties.  IT’S TIME FOR ANOTHER ALI FLASHBACK!

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Spencer and Emily are having a sleepover at Spencer’s house, and complaining about how loud Stoner Jason and his pothead friends are partying next door, when a tearful Ali crashes their party.  She HATES Jason, and can’t wait to rat him out to his grandparents, so they cut him out of their will.  At first, Ali seems her usual, confident, bitchy self, but when she approaches the sink, we can see that she’s been crying.  SOMETHING BAD HAPPENED AT THAT PARTY .  . . POSSIBLY VERY BAD . . . and Jason may have had something to do with it.  Ali, eventually shrugs off her rare show of vulnerability, commenting on the poor quality of Spencer’s apples (huh?) 

However, Spencer knows something is UP, as is evidenced by the return of Spencer Face . . .

Now, TOTALLY freaked out, an unusually needy an paranoid Spencer begs her AWFUL sister to stay with her, and protect her from the things that go bump in the night, like she used to back when they were kids.

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Poor Spencer, she’s still naive enough to believe her sister is still a human being, and not the Evil Alien from Planet B*tch, she obviously become.  Melissa icily deflects Spencer’s rare attempt at sisterly bonding, threatening her sister NOT to make her choose between her own flesh and blood and the creepy, probably dead, pedophile she married.  The obvious, implication of her words being that she would choose the Pedo, ANYDAY (and twice on Sunday).

So, of course, this is the perfect time for Spencer to find Melissa’s missing wedding ring, which, as it turns out, has been conveniently hiding behind the toaster this whole time!

That’s OK Fitz . . .  I thought it was pretty hilarious too!

Positively INCAPABLE of leaving well enough alone, Stalker Spencer heads to Facelift Jason’s house after school AGAIN.  This time, she is rewarded for her dilligence, and actually DOES find Shirtless and Sweaty Abs Toby there.

OH HELL YES!

Facelift Jason’s there too, and he conveniently mistakes Spencer for Melissa.  When asked about why, he tells her that she’s been sucking his weiner  helping him bury Creepy Pedo Ian’s body  performing pagan rituals involving human sacrifices “bringing him misdelivered mail.”  As if all this wasn’t suspcious enough, Facelift Jason “accidentally” allows one of his garbage bags to open on the floor in front of Spencer and Abs Toby. 

Hot Damn!  That’s a lot of BLOOD and CHINESE FOOD for one person.  “I cut myself when I was ripping off my old face, and putting on this new one,” mumbles Facelift Jason  (Note to Facelift Jason:  Learn how to lie better.)

Now, comes the part in the story when Spencer does the most AWFUL thing we have seen her do, since the beginning of the series.  SHE PAWNS HER OWN SISTER’S WEDDING RING TO GET MONEY TO BUY TOBY HIS CAR!

Now, granted, I don’t like Melissa either.  She’s a GENUINELY AWFUL PERSON.  Plus, I’m pretty sure she has something to do with “A” and/or Ali’s death.  But this is just WRONG with a capital “WRON.”  Now, of course, Spencer planned to somehow buy back the ring, shortly after giving Toby his new/old car for the Yardley job.  But still . . . it seems an unusually cold move for Spencer to make, not to mention STUPID.

I don’t want to be around when Melissa finds out.

So, of course, we all know it’s going to come back to bite her in the butt, don’t we?  Not surprisingly, the last scene of the episode features the infamous GLOVED HAND buying back the ring from the pawn shop. 

No glove, NO LOVE, Spencer!  I hope you’ve invested in some good life insurance . . .

Oh . . . and I almost forgot to mention the best part . . . MY WREN’ is FINALLY BACK!

On one of their weekly Stakeouts in the Bushes, our PLL girls found My Future Husband, clad in sexy scrubs, meeting Melissa, late at night, and delivering to her VERY LARGE quantities of drugs (For whom?  Ian?  Melissa herself?  Facelift Jason?)

My sentiments exactly, Spencer!  That’s one fine piece of meat!

And, on that note, I bring my recap to an end.  But feel free to check out THIS promo for next week’s PLL installment, which promises, among other things, MORE Wren (Yesssssssss!  YIPPEE!), a COMPLETELY shirtless Facelift Jason (Oh, he’ll get along in Rosewood just fine), and the return of  .  . . Dead Alison?

That’s right, my Pretties!  Things are getting GOOD!  See you next week!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Hey Ian! How’s it Hanging? – A Recap of the Pretty Little Liars’ Season Finale “For Whom the Bell Tolls”

 

When a television show ends with someone being shot, or blown up, recappers typically describe it as “ending with a bang.”  Well . . . this episode of PLL ended with a hang . . .

Ummm . . . nice scarf?

Wildly inappropriate corpse jokes aside, Pretty Little Liars’ season one finale definitely did not disappoint, this week.  In fact, the entire hour was jam-packed with twists and turns, unusual (and, sometimes,  downright icky) alliances, oodles of OMG moments, and, of course, plenty of “A.”  (Though, admittedly, all these supposedly “SCAAAAARY” text messages are getting a bit . . . how do I put this kindly . . . LAME!)

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OK . . .  maybe that was putting it less than kindly.

So, what are we waiting for, my Pretties?  Let’s get that bell tolling!

Video Killed the Blind Incestuous Porn Star

Hanna:  “Wait to go, Tobster!  Look who’s rocking the ABDOMINALS!”

Spencer:  “Shut up!  He’s mine!  You already have three love interests!”

Hanna:  “Come on!  I only have TWO!  Everyone knows that Weiner head Sean doesn’t count!”

The finale episode begins precisely where we left off last week.  The PLL girls are huddled together in bed (kinky!) watching the disturbing videos captured on the flash drive that Dead Ali stored away in her Tweety Bird lunchbox, before she died.  In addition to some SUPER CREEPY images of the PLL girls, as tweens, unknowingly dancing in front of the camera in their underwear, the flash drive also includes some EVEN CREEPIER footage of a not-yet-blind Jenna seducing a not particularly willing (though not as entirely unwilling as I would have liked) Abs Toby .  . .

And YES, he was shirtless in the video . . . (Can I get a HELL YEAH!)

In the video, Jenna is heard blatantly threatening Toby that if he doesn’t let her . . . “play with his flute” . . . she will tell their parents that he “forced himself on her.” 

“Wow!  I’ve never seen such a big . . . flute.”

By the way, if you were Jenna, and you were trying to SECRETLY SCREW YOUR BROTHER, would you REALLY do it in front of a WINDOW, so that anyone who happened to be wandering by with a VIDEO CAMERA could SEE? —  Incestuous Sociopath FAIL! 

*sings*  “I once was lost, but now I’m found.  I was blind, but now I . . . nope . . . still blind.”

(Interestingly enough, the video appeared to have been taken through a window, and yet the sound quality was PERFECT.  So, I’m guessing the house was bugged?)

Disgusted by the sight of her new boyfriend macking it with his nasty ass sister, Spencer insists that the girls stop watching the videos.  In hindsight, this was probably a mistake.  After all, based on later scenes in the episode, it appears that more Rosewood Residents may have been featured in these videos, aside from the PLL girls, Ali, Toby and Jenna.  Like, this GUY, perhaps?

“Oh no!  If they watch the rest of the videos on the drive, they might find out I was in that Hillary Duff movie!”

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As far as the PLL girls are concerned, Ian “I Like to Make Out with Girls Who Still Wear Training Bras” Thomas seems to be the most likely videographer of this Kiddie Porn DuJour.  And, since Blind Jenna obviously knew about the flash drive and its contents (After all, she hired Man Whore Caleb to steal it for her.), they figure that Little Miss Brother F*&ker might be willing to share information with them that will incriminate Ian in Ali’s death. 

But what if Blind Jenna is “A”?  Are the girls walking into a trap? 

Fitzy spells trouble J-A-C-K-I-E

This week, the role of Ezria Cock Block will be played by Jackie Molina . . .

Things actually seem to be going pretty well for Aria when the episode begins aside from her being stalked by a sadistic stalker psycho killer.  Admittedly, we were all a bit worried for Aria and Fitzy, when Police Boy Garrett knocked on the English teacher’s door last week, asking questions about “one of his students.”  And we became even MORE concerned, when SOMEONE stole the VERY POORLY HIDDEN hide-a-key from underneath Fitzy’s Welcome Mat, and broke into his home. 

Yet, when Fitzy meets Aria at the school, to tell her what went down, we learn that Police Boy Garrett didn’t ask any incriminating or even vaguely interesting questions at all!  (Gotta love Rosewood’s Finest, and their top notch investigating skills!) 

But WAIT!  There’s more!  Fitzy, apparently, just got a job working at the local college . . . which means that he’s NOT going to teach at Aria’s high school anymore . . . which means that Aria and Ezra can feel free to date in public, without fear of persecution (except for, you know, the whole STATUTORY RAPE thing).!

What’s more?  Aria’s dad, who also works at the local college, and REALLY wants to get into Fitzy’s pants is holding a Faculty Mixer at the Montgomery Household that evening as an excuse to get into Fitzy’s pants.  So, since Fitzy is now officially FACULTY at the local college, he gets to go to Aria’s house and .  . . visit her bedroom.

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And we all KNOW what happens when boys get into girls’ bedrooms!  (Right, Abs Toby?)

But then, things go south at the Faculty Mixer, when SHE shows up there . . .

Uh Oh!

It turns out that Jackie, the long-ago ex-fiance from far, far away, is not-so “long-ago,” nor is she so “far away.”  In fact, she TEACHES at the college too! 

To make matters worse, Fitzy has been with Jackie as recently as last year, back when she was a T.A. at the same college where the pair will now both be teaching. 

(I hope you are wearing a bulletproof vest, Fitzy!  Because you are NOT exactly Aria’s favorite person right now . . .)

But, hey!  At least you got inside her bedroom!  That’s gotta count for something, right?

In other BAD news . . .

None of my Exes Live in Texas .  . .

Emily’s mom wants her and Emily to move to Texas, where Emily’s father will be stationed for a year.  Poor Emily!  What will happen to her 85,000 girlfriends in Rosewood?

And what exactly is the Gay Scene like in Texas?  Will Emily have to change her “look,” in order to fit in there?

 

Tune in next season when we will, of course, learn that she is not actually moving, as she is one of the four MAIN characters of the show to find out!

In other news . . .

Marry me, Lucas!

LUCAS IS BACK!

And he’s wasting no time reminding us why we fell in love with him in the first place.  When we first see Lucas, after a WAY TOO LONG HIATUS, he’s still giving Hanna the cold shoulder, as a result of her highly UNFORTUNATE rejection of him at the “I Didn’t Have to Get My Spleen Removed, Even Though I Was Ran Over by a Car” Party that Mona threw for her a few episodes back  .  . .

Yes, Lucas looks like a beaver died on his head, in this picture.  But we are going to forgive him for that, since he is SO INCREDIBLY AWESOME.

Even though Lucas was deeply hurt by Hanna, he CLEARLY is still watching out for her.  After overhearing Annoying Ass Mona lie through her teeth about the letter she was SUPPOSED to give to Hanna from Caleb, in which the Hot Man Whore professed his love for her  . . .

Do, a little dumpster diving, Hanna!  You might still be able to find it!

 . . . Lucas THEN overhears Mona using Hanna’s PHONE to talk to Caleb.  Mona actually has the GALL to tell the Poor Slutty Bastard that HANNA ripped up his love letter to her, when we all know that it was MONA who did the not particularly effective ripping.  When Lucas confronts Mona about this, she offers to help Lucas win Hanna’s heart, if he agrees to keep quiet about what he knows.

Well, THIS turn of events was kind of a head-scratcher for me.  After last week, I was under the assumption that Mona didn’t want Hanna coupled with Caleb, because she wanted Hanna to stay single, like her.  So, why, suddenly, would Mona prefer that Hanna date LUCAS, as opposed to Caleb?  After all,  just a few weeks back, Mona seemed determined that Hanna DITCH Lucas, in favor of Boring Ass Sean?

HUH?

I’ve actually got three possible theories regarding the above conundrum:  (1)  Mona is a WAY better friend than us PLL fans give her credit for.  And, as a GOOD friend, Mona recognizes that Lucas will be a better boyfriend to Hanna than Caleb. (2) Self-absorbed Mona wants to be Queen Bee at Rosewood, and she figures she will have a WAY better chance of doing so, if her biggest competition ,is dating a so-called”loser” than if he is dating the schoolest Hottest Homeless Bad Boy.  And finally (3) Mona doesn’t have any intention of helping Lucas win Hanna’s heart.  She just wants to keep Lucas’ mouth shut, and will say whatever she has to say, in order to accomplish this.

“I’m glad she only came up with three possibilities.  Because I can’t count any higher than that.”

Whatever Mona’s intentions are, Lucas doesn’t give a RATS ASS about her shady offer to play matchmaker between him and Hanna.  He proves this by tracking down Caleb (in Arizona?) and bringing him back to Rosewood.

“Why are you doing this for me?”  Caleb asks incredulously, as the two men, who are both CLEARLY in love with the same woman, ride back to town with absolutely NOTHING interesting to say to one another.

“Because I am about twenty times more awesome than you will ever be.”  “Because Hanna deserves to be happy,” Lucas replies solemnly.

(*Sigh!*  Please put this recap on pause, while I retrieve my panties from the floor . . .)

OK . . . I’m back!  Little do these newfound bromantic buddies know that, at the same time they are both gearing up for a Caleb / Hanna reunion . . .

. . .  Hanna is deleting the Man Whore’s number from her cell phone.  Oops!

You know, it might be a good thing, that most of our PLL girls have (at least temporarily) left their respective love interests in the dust this week.  After all, they’ve got ENOUGH to worry about, without having to cope with Boy Drama . . .

The Flute Player Gets Played (In more ways than ONE!)

Creepy Kiddie Porn Flash Drive in hand, the PLL girls confront Jenna at school, about how the latter made her bedroom into her very own City of Brotherly Love.  The PLL girls want answers from Jenna.  They think they are  entitled to them.  They want the TRUTH!

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As Little Miss Brother F*&ker shares what she knows with the PLL’s, we are treated to a Blind Jenna Flashback for the first time EVER, since the beginning of the series . . .

(Did anyone else think it was weird that Jenna was already wearing her “Blind Person Glasses,” back when she was first put in the hospital, following her Little Firecracker Accident?  Wouldn’t her eyes be bandaged?  Her face burned and bruised?  I mean, those are DESIGNER GLASSES she’s wearing!  Please, tell me what hospital gives THOSE out for free.  Because I’m getting admittted!)

So, Ali comes to visit Blind Jenna at the hospital, following her trip to “Georgia.”  She then promptly presents the Freaky Flute Player with the same video we saw  earlier, of Jenna threatening, and subsequently making monkey with, Abs Toby.  “The guy I like likes to make movies.  I thought they were just about me.  As it turns out, the Boy Next Door, likes watching ALL the Girls Next Door,”  Ali monologues unnaturally, as if she is villain in a Batman Comic Book (The Riddler, perhaps?).

 Now, of course, Jenna can’t SEE the video.  But I’m assuming, she figures out what was going on in it based on the extremely poorly written dialogue what is being said. 

“Really Jenna?  You ACTUALLY said, ‘It will be so easy to make my parents think you forced yourself on me?’   Ever hear of a little thing called subtlety?  I mean, seriously, I know comic book villains that have a better way with words than you do, and I am one of them.”

Caught between a rock and an incestuous place, Jenna is forced to make a deal with Ali.  Ali will make sure the incriminating flash drive never sees the light of day.  And, in return, Jenna will leave Rosewood FOREVER!  (Aha!  So, now we know why Jenna RETURNED to Rosewood for Ali’s funeral! Little did Ali know that their little agreement had an, easy out, Death Clause . . .)

After her confrontation with the PLL’s, Blind Jenna makes two phone calls . . .

“Can you hear me now?  GOOD!”

The first call is to Creepy Pedo Ian.  Upon hearing that the girls found the flash drive (which presumably includes videos he took), Creepy Pedo promises to “take care of it.”

“Hey, by the way, do you happen to have any 13-year old friends who are single?  I’m looking to mingle!”

But it’s Jenna’s SECOND call that’s the MOST disturbing.  Remember when I mentioned earlier that SOMEONE ELSE may have also been featured in Ian’s “home movies?”  Well, that UNSEEN porn star, arrives at Jenna’s house.  Jenna complains to him that this video is going to ruin all of their lives.  But HE promises her that he won’t let that happen.  Then HE takes off her glasses, and THIS happens . . .

Oh no, Police Boy GARRETT!  Not YOU TOO!  Man, are their ANY boys on this show who actually like girls their own age?

I stand corrected!

Nice Knowing Ya, Ian!  (But, not really . . .)

“Now that I’m dead, I wonder if I can get a better deal on a cell phone plan . . .”

So, Melissa and Ian are planning to have their yet-to-be-born baby baptized at the local church.  But Spencer is concerned that this might be a bit premature, since the baby might not be  . . . entirely human.

Awww!  He looks just like his dad!

Meanwhile, Spencer and the gang attempt to procure a confession from Ian about making the videos contained on the flash drive.  They do this, by sending Ian a text from a blocked cell phone number (They stupidly used Spencer’s phone for this.)  In the text, they instruct Creepy Pedo to bring $10,000 to a nearby park, in exchange for the flashdrive. 

Hanna:  “Hey, aren’t those the bears from the Charmin commercials? What are THEY doing here?”

Aria:  “What do you THINK?”

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Taking things one step further, the girls call upon Garrett the Police Boy to help them with the sting operation.  Of course, as we know from watching him clean Blind Jenna’s teeth with his tongue, earlier in the hour, Police Boy’s intentions are not necessarily pure.  Fortunately, Hanna, who knows a thing or two about shady police officers with ulterior motives  .  . .

. . . has the foresight to lie, and tell Police Boy that her mother knows where they are.  (In other words, “don’t try any funny stuff, Officer Kid Groper!”)

Tensions are high, when a car pulls up, and a man emerges, carrying a bag filled with $10 grand in Cold Hard Cash . . .

Hey there, Sexy?  Who are YOU?  And why aren’t you a REAL cast member on this show?

Unfortunately, as you probably noticed already, that guy is NOT Ian.  He’s WAY HOTTER!  Rather, it’s some dude that Ian paid to drop off the cash, and retrieve the flash drive on his behalf. 

Woah . . . wait up . . . you’re telling me that Ian . . . a twenty-something high school hockey coach . . . has ten grand in cash, lying around his house AND has MORE money than that left over to pay hot guest stars?  Ummm . . . I don’t think so!

Then again, Ian coaches at the SAME school where a youngish English teacher can afford to rent a limosine to (1) drive him all the way to Philadelphia; and (2) WAIT around for him for an entire evening, while he makes out with his underage girlfriend . . . so . . .  yeah.  (I’m SO getting a job teaching at Rosewood!)

Meanwhile, Spencer is cuddling with Abs Toby, falling asleep in his arms, and letting him adoringly play with her hair (AWWW!) . . .

This lovefest is interrupted, when Spencer gets a text from Melissa, stating that Ian never picked her from the church, following the Baptism . . .  . interview(?). 

(Wait . . .  if Melissa walked to the church, why couldn’t she have walked HOME from there too?  Lazy pregnant biatch!)

Fortunately, for us, Spencer doesn’t leave to pick up her good-for-nothing sister, right away.  Instead, she spends some time sweetly telling Abs Toby that he is her “safe place to land.”  In return, Toby tells Spencer that he will ALWAYS be there for her, whenever she is ever in need.  (Something tells me she is going to be taking you up on that promise REAL soon, Tobster!)

Then, of course, the two makeout .  . . again . . .

Never .  . . gets . . . old.

Eventually, Spencer finally manages to pick up her bratty ass sister, who’s Pregnancy Brain made her leave her cell phone in church. 

“Wahhhh, MY PHONE!  Waaahhhh My Creepy Pedo Husband!  Wahhhhh you’re mean to me!  Wahhhh I’m one of the most unlikeable characters on a show that is FILLED with unlikeable characters!  Wahhhhhhh I miss WREN!“

Spencer stops the car, to return to church, when WHAM, her car gets broadsided by another car (on purpose?).  Next thing you know, Spencer is in the hospital, without a scratch on her.   But Melissa seems pretty banged up, and is at risk of losing herbaby.  So, being the caring sister Spencer is, she decides to go back to the church and retrieve Melissa’s phone.  (Because, cell phones are way more important than stupid babies, anyway!  Yeah, way to have your priorities straight, Spencer!)

“Oh, please!  The baby is going to be EVIL, anyway!  At least the cell phone comes with cool ring tones!”

So, Spencer heads back to the church.  And there . . . SURPRISE . . . is Creepy Pedo IAN!

You know how, up to this point, it was kind of hard to figure this guy out.  Because, as creepy as Ian was, he sometimes did NICE things, like rescue Spencer from the Fun House that he may have trapped her in, in the first place?  Well, all that is GONE in this scene.  Creepy Pedo Ian is in full on EVIL mode! 

“Melissa would want me to take care of this,” Ian says menacingly.

Creepy Pedo then admits that he KNOWS his wife was in the hospital, having just been HIT BY A CAR, but chooses to accost Spencer in the church, rather than tending to the mother of his child.  (It is almost as if he KNEW they would be in an accident.  Interesting . . .)

So, I’m convinced that the reason the producers chose to show a full moon in this shot, is to imply that Creepy Pedo Ian is actually a werewolf . . . Yes . . . I DO watch too much Vampire Diaries and True Blood.

“You were planning to’ take care of this,’ like you took care of Alison,” Spencer sneers. 

Spencer then shows Ian the incriminating  flashdrive (makes some fairly lame “home movie” jokes, while she displays it). Thinking fast, the “Smartest PLL”  tosses the flash drive at Ian, before dashing up to the Church’s bell tower.

Wait . . . WHAT?  You THREW AWAY the evidence . . . AGAIN, Spencer!  I’m hoping you were smart enough to make a copy this time, Little Miss Supposed Over Achiever!

Oops!

Now, Spencer may have been silly, when it came to her flash drive evidence, but she WAS smart enough to call Emily on her cell phone, as Ian chased her around the church . . .

ARIA:  “Crap!  I forgot to DVR Pretty Little Liars, tonight!”

EMILY:  “Don’t worry!  It’s playing on my iPhone RIGHT NOW!”

This enables all the PLL’s to hear all the SUPER INCRIMINATING things Ian is saying while he TRIES TO MURDER Spencer.  (I hope you recorded that, Emily!) 

Admittedly, I had to watch this chase scene twice, to figure out what Ian was saying.  And I STILL don’t think I got it all down.  Mostly, Ian was talking about how he was planning to kill Spencer in the church, and make it look like a suicide.  He planned to leave a note on Spencer’s computer, after she was dead, saying that she couldn’t deal with the pain of Ali’s death, and, therefore, offed herself . . . in a church.

There are two interesting things about Ian’s monologue: 

(1)  He inadvertently cites the WRONG cause of Ali’s death.  While Ali ACTUALLY died of strangulation, he cites, in Spencer’s fake suicide note, that she “fell to her death.”  This comment would seem to go AGAINST the commonly held notion that Ian killed Ali.  

 (2) Ian notes, once AGAIN, that he is killing Spencer, FOR Melissa.  Is it possible then that MELISSA killed Ali (or at least that Ian THINKS she did)?  Has Ian’s creepy behavior merely been a result of his trying to cover for his wife, because he feels GUILTY about cheating on her with Ali and about being a disgusting pedophile, who videotapes half-naked tweens?

It wouldn’t be the first time this actress played a psycho killer!

The answers to these questions, apparently, are not ones we will get first hand.  Because, moments later, Ian is dangling Spencer from the church bell tower.  In a strange twist of fate, she is grabbing on to her would-be killer’s arm for dear life.  Then, she pulls herself up onto the scaffolding.  What happens next is pretty shocking.  (As if all this WASN”T SHOCKING!)  A black cloaked figure comes out of the darkness, and pushes Ian off the scaffolding.  And yet, Ian doesn’t FALL to his death.   Instead, he gets tied up in the ropes and is hung. 

Of course, the rest of the PLL’s arrive, after the hooded figure (A?) has left the building.  They reach the top of the church tower, to find the disturbing image of Dead Ian swaying back and forth, like the pendulum of a grandfather clock, as Spencer watches on silently traumatized . . .

Yet, by the time the police arrive on the scene . . . IAN’S BODY IS GONE!

But, look who’s back from the PLL Lost Boy Vortex?

It’s Bushy Eyebrows Noel!

In the final moments of the episode, the girls, OF COURSE, get, yet another text message from “A” . . .

And here’s what it says: “It’s not over until I say it is.  Sleep tight, while you still can b*tches!” – A

Oh boy!  Something tells me, many of us PLL fans will be having some trouble sleeping, between now and when the show returns in June for it’s second season!  Fortunately, that gives us plenty of time to piece together all the clues we’ve gathered so far during Season 1.  So, I now turn things over to you, My Pretties!  Start sleuthing!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]