SPENCER: Pssst, don’t look now, but there’s a BIG GIANT ALISON HEAD behind us . . .
EMILY: Maybe, if we ignore it, it will go away . . .
Poor “sweet” Alison! Perhaps, if there wasn’t a memorial service for her every two episodes, people would stop trying to sabotage them . . .
Hello, my Pretties! This week on PLL, we got to meet Alison’s Mommy, Samara’s “friend,” and a whole lot of dresses. We also got to see how well our favorite little liars can work the Runway . . .
Ten innocent bottles of hairspray were harmed in the making of this picture. FOR SHAME!
Also this week, no hot men took off their shirts . . .
“Oh the humanity!”
. . . which is why I decided to do THIS for you . . .
Wipe the drool off your mouths, girls . . . because it’s time to get this Pretty Little Recap started . . .
“It’s All Fun and Games, Until Someone Hacks Up a Hairball.”
Here’s a Riddle: How many Pretty Little Liars does it take to fold a bunch of fashion show programs?
Answer: Apparently, all of them. (Because folding is . . . like . . . hard . . . or something.)
When the episode begins, the Fabulous Foursome is in Spencer’s room (at least, I think it’s Spencer’s room), preparing for the annual school fashion show / charity event / function where “A” will inevitably torture the girls, and make them wish they were never born. As has become the norm, the girls spend the opening scenes of the episode, helpfully rehashing what happened last week, and trying to figure out who killed Alison. Spencer reminds us, that just because Creepy Pedo Ian didn’t kill Alison on the
raunchy sex tape, doesn’t mean he didn’t do it later . . .
You’re not off the hook yet, Buddy! (Poor choice of words?)
Hanna wonders whether “A” isn’t Ali’s actual killer. It’s interesting how, at the beginning of the series, both the girls themselves, and most PLL fans, had always ASSUMED the aforementioned premise to be true. Then, sometime in the middle of the first season, the theory that “A” and Ali’s killer were two DIFFERENT people seemed to become commonly accepted. Now, it seems, with Creepy Pedo Ian dead, the girls, at least, have returned to the first theory.
But, hey, who needs to talk about “boring stuff” like Ali’s killer, when we can talk about EXCITING stuff, like what kind of lip gloss Hanna was wearing when she started cleaning Caleb’s teeth with her tongue, at the end of last week’s episode?
Apparently, she was wearing the sticky kind that tends to get hair stuck to it . . . hair like Caleb’s long luscious locks. Aria (who’s already a little bit pissy, because, not only did Fitzy REFUSE to hug her in public, last week, he also ditched her this week to
enter the PLL Lost Significant Other Vortex “attend some lame college conference”) has some choice words to say about that . . .
*insert hacking noises here*
By the way, I don’t know about you, but, lip gloss or no lipgloss, I’ve never had the experience of hacking up hairballs from making out with guys. Perhaps, Aria just kisses hairier men than I do!
Don’t worry, Fitzy! I wasn’t talking about YOU . . . (See shaved tummy picture above)
Speaking of Aria’s many hairy suitors, she gets a text message from one of them, just shortly after making her hairball comment . . .
OK, here’s another question: How many of you actually include FULL NAMES in your cell phone contacts? I mean, I understand that Jason is a fairly common guy’s name. So, maybe a popular girl like Aria has four or five friends named Jason. But still, wouldn’t “Jason D” be sufficient? Or “Jason Ali’s Bro”? Or, my personal favorite, “Facelift Jason?” Honestly, I’m not even sure a name like “Jason Dilaurentis” would fit in my cell phone contact list! A name like that would probably take up MY ENTIRE SCREEN! But, I digress . . .
Text Message Reply: “Hello, Jason Dilaurentis. Aria Montgomery would very much like to meet you outside in your car, so that we can discuss the fact that you are still a murder suspect, and perhaps, if we are lucky, make out. Don’t worry, I am wearing a special lipgloss that minimizes hairball creation.”
Being sure not to tell the girls who she is meeting (They, of course, assume it’s Fitzy), Aria heads out in the dark of night to rendezvous with Facelift Jason.
Try to forget, for a moment, that he has been eye f*&king her to near-pregnancy in every scene the two of them shared, since he got his new face. Do you want to know why I THINK it’s obvious that Facelift Jason wants a First Class Trip inside the Montgomery Pantalones? Let’s put it this way, he asked to meet her in secret . . . in his expensive car . . . in the middle of the night . . . just to tell her not to tell anybody about something he said to her the day before.
“Don’t worry Facelift Jason, I’m going to keep this between you, me, “A,” and the million or so folks who watch Pretty Little Liars, every week . . .”
Wouldn’t a “Don’t tell your Big Mouth Friends that I think I may have killed my sister, while in the midst of a Drunken Rage Blackout” text message would have sufficed, in this situation?
Anyway, Facelift Jason is relieved that Aria is thankful enough to him for not ratting her bratty brother out as a Dirty Thief, to not rat him out as a Drug Addict / Potential Sister Killer. Everybody WINS! (Well, except Ali of course . . . who’s dead . . . and Creepy Pedo Ian, who’s also dead).
Dads Behaving Badly . . .
Talk about sending a bad message! There are FOUR DADS on this show. And if my theories about Spencer’s papa is correct, the ONLY one of them who has never been unfaithful to his lady love, is the one who’s too busy fighting for his country to have time to do so!
“YAY! I WIN!”
In a scene that’s highly reminiscent of the Aria’s Parents Secretly Start Dating One Another Again storyline (BARF!), Hanna comes home to find her divorced Mommy and Daddy slowly getting eachother wasted with Martinis, and looking at one another, like they want to do it on the counter, right in front of their daughter.
“I’m so glad you guys decided to fork over the money for my therapy. Because I am REALLY going to need a shrink, after seeing this . . .”
Some might argue that Hanna should be happy that her parents are possibly reconciling. And yet, this jaded blonde has been around the block enough times with her Douchey Dad to have developed a healthy dose of skepticism toward his ever-evolving definition of “family.” “What’s for dessert?” She asks her “sperm donor” snidely. “Or are you saving that for your new family?”
Meanwhile, elsewhere in Dysfunctional Family Land, Spencer has just finished probably having super hot sex with Abs Toby . . .
. . . when she overhears her dad loudly arguing with someone on the phone. Specifically, he is telling someone that he or she “clearly doesn’t have control over a certain situation, if Jason is back home.” Cue Spencer Face!
When Spencer asks her dad about the telephone conversation, he acts suspicious enough that it prompts Spencer to dial the last number he called, after he conveniently leaves the phone on the kitchen table.
“Do you like Scary Movies?”
Upon doing that, she quickly learns that the woman her Dad was screaming at was none other than . . . wait for it . . . Ali’s and Jasons’ Mom, Jessica DiLaurentis . . .
Now, I’m guessing that Spencer’s POP and his Lady Friend were both using landlines to make this call, considering (1) Spencer had to press Redial to solve the mystery, instead of simply looking at the “Dialed Calls” list that is now available on pretty much every cell phone made in the last FIVE YEARS; (2) Dead Ali’s Mom conveniently stated her FULL NAME, upon picking up the phone, which means that she obviously didn’t realize that the call was coming from the Exact Same Person Who Just Called Her Moments Ago.
*sigh* Old People . . . they never learn . . . 😉
Now, to me, it seems pretty obvious that the “Big Secret” Spencer’s Dad and Ali’s Mom are hiding is that they had an affair at some point. And the reason that Spencer’s Dad is so miffed about Jason returning to town is that HE KNOWS ABOUT IT, somehow. Then again, I could be TOTALLY wrong . . .
In other Parental Unit News, Emily’s Mom is getting all weepy about missing Emily’s Dad . . .
*insert blubbering noises here*
So, Emily suggests that she go stay with him in Texas for a while, so the two can
have Wild and Crazy Monkey Sex in the army barracks get “reacquainted,” while Emily finishes out the school year in Rosewood.
“WOO HOO! Parties every night at my house! You’re all invited!”
Dressed to Kill (or Be Killed)
The next day, Spencer and Aria are talking about how suspicious Facelift Jason is acting
(Actually, Spencer is talking about that. Aria is sticking up for Facelift Jason, like it’s her JOB! Watch out, Fitzy!), when they get a strange e-mail from Alison’s mom, inviting all four of the PLL’s to lunch . . . UH OH!
OK . . . now this may be because I’m a TOTAL NERD, but I had so much fun reading the subject headings for all of Spencer’s FAKE E-MAILS! Someone in the production department probably had a blast coming up with these! Here are some questions I had: (1) Why is Melissa e-mailing Spencer for “lunch” when she (a) hates her now, because of the Ian thing, and (b) is supposedly on vacation? (2) Whose birthday is it, that Spencer is getting them cupcakes? (3) Spencer plays the flute? (4) What the heck is Albacore Design? And why does Spencer keep making and canceling orders from them?
Cue, the most AWKWARD lunch meeting ever . . .
Only the swankiest of restaurants serve their drinks in jars of leaves . . .
Alison’s mom, who’s looking a bit looped, after her fourth Bloody Mary before noon (Hey, I’m sure it’s Happy Hour, SOMEWHERE!), is apparently STILL head of the school board, despite the fact that neither of her children have attended Rosewood Prep in at least a year. (Maudlin much?) She recalls depressingly how much her Dead Daughter loved the Annual Fashion show, and asks the Pretty Little Liars to dedicate a portion of the show to Alison, while each wearing dresses that the SHE picked out, before she was murdered.
“Even in death, I am still making you feel self-conscious, and not-so-subtly criticizing your taste in clothing, MWAH-HAHAHA!”
The girls (rightfully) think this is an ABSOLUTELY AWFUL IDEA. I mean . . . we all remember what happened THE LAST TIME these four made a memorial for Ali, right?
R.I.P. Ugly Ass Memorial Fountain
But still, they have to do it. Because, really, how can you say no to a grieving Mom?
As if the Annual Fashion Show hadn’t become frightening enough, Spencer soon learns that Annoying Mona has stolen the position of Committee Chairperson right out from under her during that whole Under Suspicion for Murdering Ali Fiasco (not to mention completely discarded the programs Spencer spent hours painstakingly FOLDING) . . .
“We thought you were like going to jail, or something,” offers Mona, in a faux sweet voice. “Decisions had to be made. I made them.”
“That’s right, Mona. I’ve never murdered anyone. But keep talking, and that might change real fast.”
I’ve gotta say, Janel Parrish (the actress who plays Mona) is spectacular. The way she portrays this character makes me GENUINELY want to reach into the television and wring her neck, every time she is on screen! Her voice is like nails on a chalkboard to me. Like Spencer, I have no idea why a fun, funny, non-annoying, girl like Hanna would ever willingly spend time with such a slimy toad. Mona is probably the kind of girl who gets spit or worse in her food EVERY SINGLE TIME she eats at a restaurant, if you catch my drift . . .
Mona’s personal “chef”
Fortunately, for Spencer, she has Toby at her side, to prevent her from doing bodily harm to the Evil Mona . . .
Oh, did I mention that Mona hired her new boyfriend, Bushy Eyebrows Noel to D.J. the affair?
Things just went from awkward . . . to annoying . . . to dangerously creepy, in about two minutes flat . . .
Sometimes the Truth Hurts . . .
Apparently, Emily’s new girlfriend has more talents than just the ability to fangirl at swim meets, and successfully lie to parents, she’s also quite the master seamstress! We find Samara at Emily’s house, gleefully fondling the latter’s lady parts, under the guise of fitting her in Alison’s dress for the fashion show . . .
“Ummm . . . Samara? My eyes are UP HERE!”
Between you and me, Samara has always struck me as being a bit insecure about the extent of Emily’s feelings for her. Perhaps, she senses that her new girl Friday seems more than a bit hung up on her former Ex-Loves (and current PLL Vortex Inhabitants) Maya and Little Orphan Bitchy . . .
“LET US OUT! WE’VE BEEN TRAPPED IN HERE FOR MONTHS!”
So, it is not surprising to me that Samara purposefully tries to “test” Emily, by asking if she could bring a “date” with her to the fashion show. Not wanting to seem too possessive over her “friend with benefits,” Emily reluctantly agrees, even managingto offer Samara a polite little smile, upon hearing the request . . . (Threesome, anyone?)
Meanwhile, after hearing from her Mother that memories lost during alcoholic blackouts can be revived with proper coaxing and psychological support (By the way, kudos to Aria’s mom for not-so-subtly copping to taking part in underage drinking, back in the day.) . . .
“To be honest, Aria, I’m still a bit hazy about the night you were conceived. . .”
. . . Shrink Aria meets up with Facelift Jason (who looks so much like Ali, they really could be brother and sister) . . .
. . . to review the pictures of Ali they plan to use in their slideshow tribute to the Dead Girl, during the fashion show . . .
Hey FaceliftJason, how do you expect to see the pictures, if you keep STARING LOVINGLY AT ARIA, while she’s showing them to you?
Things are going well, until Aria starts peppering Facelift Jason with questions about the night of the accident. Once he figures out what she’s trying to do, he gets SUPER defensive, and eventually storms off. I guess SOME memories are better off repressed . . .
“Nice going, ARIA! You just totally blew your opportunity to have sex with me . . . ummm . . . Well . . . actually, I’d still kind of like to have sex with you . . . if you want to have sex with me. Do you? WOULD YOU? Pretty please, with a weiner on top?”
Speaking of Men in Denial, Hanna’s father refuses to cop to the fact that the REAL reason he keeps hanging around the house, is that he wants to get back into Hanna’s mom’s pants . . .
“You want relationship advice, DAD? Did I ever tell you about the time my boyfriend was PAID to seduce me, and took my virginity in a tent outside? Good times!”
Beauty is Painful (and, sometimes, even deadly)
“Gee, thanks a lot A! Now our chances of becoming contestants on America’s Next Top Model are pretty much ruined!”
What started off as a fairly slow, and uneventful episode, definitely picked up the pace, during the climactic annual fashion show, where, in just minutes . . .
. . . Emily met the Mister to her girlfriend, Samara’s “Misses,” and became insanely jealous (which was precisely why Samara brought her along, in the first place). This eventually, prompted Emily and Samara to have “The Talk” about the status of their relationship, and whether they should take it to the “next level.” (Nothing was really decided, however.)
Hanna went for a liquor run, and got an eyefull of her supposedly-separated parents dry-humping on the dance floor, instead . . .
PAPA MARIN: “Let’s make another baby . . . right here . . . while our daughter watches.”
MAMA MARIN: “Oh, Daddy! You always DID know how to sweet talk me . . .”
“Oh, MY EYES! I think I just went blind . . .”
*laughs maniacally* “Mission accomplished!”
Speaking of Hanna, the uninvited Caleb decides to crash the Fashion Show, in order to support her, whether she wants to be supporte or not. (Something tells me, Ashley won’t be the ONLY Marin girl to be getting some nookie tonight . . .)
Spencer spots her Dad fighting with Ali’s Mom again. (Where’s SPENCER’S MOM, anyway? On vacation with
Crazy Nanny Carrie Melissa?)
Spencer is also asked by Mona — who is randomly wearing weird librarian glasses — to deliver the Ali Tribute CD to Bushy Eyebrows Noel (a potentially important detail that we will touch upon, in just a bit) . . .
When Spencer hands the CD off to Bushy Eyebrows, he asks her if she wants to watch it first, to make sure it is “OK.” Spencer says “No” . . . a decision she will undoubtedly come to regret later
not that it matters, since Bushy and Mona probably would have switched the CDs at the last minute anyway, if they are, in fact, behind all this.
Meanwhile, Jason continues to have visual intercourse with Aria, even though he is supposedly still “mad at her” . . .
It’s important to practice safe eyesex, boys and girls! You never know where else your partner has LOOKED, before you!
The fashion show begins, and our PLL girls strut their stuff, and shake their asses, down the runaway to the cheers and catcalls of a mixture of adoring parents, and potential pedophiles . . .
If The Flintstones was ever made into a porno, I’m pretty sure Betty Rubble would be wearing an outfit like Emily’s . . .
Then the music changes, and it’s time for the Ali Tribute. The girls smile politely, as they walk out together, in the dresses that Ali herself never had the chance to showcase . . .
Cute dresses . . . but I’m not loving the hair choices . . .
Suddenly, the music gets all angry, and death metal-ly. Then, THIS HAPPENS
and, it’s really NO SUPRISE AT ALL, CONSIDERING THEY SHOWED THIS PART IN THE MUCHMUSIC PREVIEWS . . .
The whole crowd gasps audibly, as Spencer rushes to turn off the slideshow, and Ali’s mom rushes out of the room in tears . . .
(OK, now I know it’s is probably an inappropriate time to ask this, but who’s the Extra sitting next to Facelift Jason? He’s CUTE! Hey, Buddy, if you are reading this, Call Me!)
Once the chaos has died down, the PLL girls find themselves alone on stage, in entirely different dresses, than the ones they were wearing earlier. (I love that Hanna is wearing the inappropriate Nikki Minaj Concert Dress she wanted to wear to Creepy Pedo Ian’s funeral!) Of course, “A” has one final message she wants to deliver just to them . . .
. . . make that TWO final messages . . .
Given “A’s” passion for fashion, and b*tchy snarkery, not to mention that “my dresses” comment, it is becoming more and more apparent that “A” is a WOMAN (which is not to say that she doesn’t have a male companion by her side to do the “heavy lifting.”) In particular, the final scene of the episode, seems to suggest that the Gloved Hand is manicured underneath the leather (more on that later) . . .
The Aftermath . . .
Understandably, the PLL girls are pretty darn eager to escape the school auditorium, after all that happened to them there. Hanna cuts out with a wide-eyed and clearly smitten Caleb (But where’s LUCAS?) . . .
Meanwhile, Aria is accosted by a sickeningly smug-looking Bushy Eyebrows Noel, who seems WAY TOO PLEASED WITH HIMSELF, when he hands her back the incriminating CD . . .
“Hi, my name is Bushy Eyebrows Noel. I butcher small puppies for fun, and feed them to the hungry furry caterpillars sitting over my eyelids.”
I have to say, I cheered a bit when Facelift Jason intervened, and broke the CD with his barehands. (On the other hand, now we might never know who tampered with the damn thing!)
“You don’t SCARE ME, EYEBROWS! I’ve smoked blunts bigger than YOU!”
Cue the Facelift Jason / Aria Sexual Tension Moment . . .
The pair end up leaving together in his car . . . sound familiar?
Back at home, we get three quick parental moments, in short succession. In the first, Hanna’s dad FINALLY admits to still being in love with Hanna’s mom. And Hanna finally accepts him back into her life . . . (Repeat after me, “AWWWW!)
“So, if your Mom’s room’s a-rockin, don’t come a-knockin”
Emily’s mom decides to go to Texas to see her husband, and, therefore, lets Emily bunk with the Marin’s for the rest of the year. (Because, apparently, the Marin house is the equivalent to the Rosewood Homeless Teen Shelter . . . just ask Caleb!)
(This seemed like kind of a random plot point to me. I’m thinking “Mom” landed a movie role, or TV pilot, or something . . .)
Finally, Spencer’s Dad reluctantly admits to fighting with Ali’s and Jason’s Mom, and warns Spencer to stay away from Facelift Jason
so that he can’t tell her about the AFFAIR!.
Remember, how I told you that the last scene seemed to pretty strongly suggest that “A” / Gloved Hand was a woman? Well, it begins with a closeup on an array of open fashion magazines
kind of like the ones MONA might have used to create the new Fashion Show program. Now, I don’t mean to be sexist, but how many men DO YOU KNOW that read women’s fashion magazines (Well, aside from the MALE FASHION DESIGNERS, of course)? Gloved Hand then orders a pair of fashionable women’s boots online in Size 5.5. (very small feet!), and delivers them to an as-of-yet unknown address . . .
(By the way, have you ever tried using a laptop, while wearing gloves? It’s IMPOSSIBLE . . . Not to mention, it makes your hands really sweaty.)
So, which PLL girl is about to get a new pair of shoes from “A?” Tune in next week to find out! Until next time, My Pretties!