“I think we can work this out, kids! YOU don’t tell the police about the murder weapon buried in our backyard. And I won’t tell Mom that everytime you two SAY you are ‘playing Scrabble’ in Spencer’s bedroom, you are really having loud, raucous sex.”
Hello, my Pretties! If we’ve learned one thing on Pretty Little Liars it’s that episodes featuring shirtless guys will inevitably be better than episodes without them nothing stays buried forever. In fact, in Rosewood, it seems that the deeper you bury your darkest secret, the more likely it is to rise to the surface, and bite you in the bum. So, hold on to your hockey sticks, folks; and put your pimped out, illegal cell phones on vibrate, because it’s time to start the recap . . .
Would you like “A” candy?
(I’m guessing the little pig stuffed animal was intended for Poor Hanna. Any guesses as to what the other animal is, and what it has to do with Emily?)
The episode begins with the girls gathered in Hanna’s household. And guess what they are doing? SURPRISE! They are recapping the last episode for you! How annoying . . . I mean, seriously, isn’t this what the “Previously On Pretty Little Liars” segment of the show is supposed to do? helpful and considerate of them.
The foursome gossips about A’s recent dastardly derailment of A’s fashion show tribute. They also continue to conjecture that “A” might be torturing them, not just for the fun of it, but because he or she killed Ali, and wants to ensure the girls’ silence, if and when the killer’s identity is revealed. I don’t know. If I killed someone, and didn’t want certain people to find out about it, I probably wouldn’t be SENDING THEM MESSAGES EVERYDAY! But, hey, that’s just me . . .
Also, this week, we learn that Emily and Hanna are not only sharing the same HOUSE, until school lets out for the summer, they are also apparently sharing the same BEDROOM.
When asked about this, the girls slough it off with lame (not to mention, highly convenient) excuses about “burst pipes,” but we all know the REAL reason they are sleeping together, don’t we? *hint, hint, wink, wink* Let the onslaught of Hanna / Emily slash fanfiction begin!
Unfortunately, this Pretty Little Lovefest is interrupted by a knock on the door. Hanna answers. And lo and behold! It’s a Special Delivery from “A” SHOCKER! Here’s what the note on the card says . . .
Sometimes, I feel like “A” needs to get a life of her (his?) own, and stop stalking the girls like it’s his or her job. But, hey, if she (or he) did that, we probably wouldn’t have a show, now would we?
Study Buddies and Shady Dealings
EMILY: “Umm . . . Hanna, I don’t think we should be watching your parents having sex.”
HANNA: “Why not? This will give me so much more to talk about, during therapy!”
As two only children, Hanna and Emily aren’t exactly people who are used to sharing a space. So, of course, it doesn’t take long at all for the new roomies to start getting on one another’s nerves. First Brown Noser Emily has to go and make Hanna look like a sucky daughter / lazy person, by cooking the family a fancy schmancy omelette breakfast, and not-so-casually remarking that she did it after heading out for her “morning run.”
“I’m so glad you enjoyed the omelette, Ms. Marin. You can find the recipe for it at I’mBetterThanHanna.Com”
As someone who is not at all a morning person, myself, I can certainly relate to Hanna’s jealousy / frustration. Oh, you should also know that Emily is clutching her back, and rubbing her neck throughout most of this episode. Under normal circumstances we would say this is simply because she probably slept funny the night before. However, on PLL, this is what we call “foreshadowing” . . .
While walking into school, Hanna overhears her new boyfriend on the phone with some dude who didn’t pay Caleb for “pimping out his phone.” To be honest, I’m not exactly sure what that means. Did he make it so that the perv could call 1-900 sex number, for free? Did he get the guy tons of free iPhone apps, you’d normally have to pay for? Did he bedazzle it with lots of red glitter and heart stickers? Well, whatever he did, DUDE didn’t pay. And Caleb is PISSED!
“I’m PISSED!”
The problem, of course, is that you can’t really sue someone for not paying you to help them break the law. So, Caleb will probably have to resort to other means of collecting payment . . . like putting a horse’s head in the deadbeat’s bed, or putting hair removal bleach in his shampoo, or forcing him to listen to Blind Jenna play the flute, for hours on end . . .
I get the chills just thinking about it . . .
Hanna is a bit concerned about Caleb’s “underground business,” because it makes her feel like in, 15 years, Caleb will be in jail, and she will be a reality star on Mob Wives: Rosewood Edition. However, she wants to make sure she’s still seen as “the cool girlfriend,” so she doesn’t say much. Besides, it could be worse! He could be getting paid by someone to steal her virginity in a tent. Oh, wait . . . he already did that . . .
Did I mention some dude is stalking Caleb with his car, outside the school? Note to Caleb: Next time you “pimp out” a phone, you might want to make it double as a gun. Because, something tells me you’re going to need it . . .
Back at home, Emily is trying to study, and rubbing her neck some more (See? FORESHADOWING!). However, she’s finding it incredibly difficult to concentrate, with Hanna SINGING AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS . . .
(Note: This is actually the second time in two weeks, that Hanna’s been shown bopping out to a song on her iPod, and it sounded so much fun that I wanted to download it onto MY iPod, immediately after watching. This song was called “Smash It” by Zowie. YAY, for product placement!)
So, she does THIS . . .
(WARNING: Flying Mr. Bear is a trained professional in the art of Guerilla Warfare on Hanna Singing. DO NOT try this at home . . .)
Having completely given up on doing her homework, Emily decides to go all Dr. Phil on Hanna, by asking her how dating a crook “makes her feel.” In response, Hanna does the teenage equivalent of putting her fingers in her ear an going “Na-na, na-na, na-nah! I can’t HEAR YOU!” In other words, he puts her iPod headphones back on . . .
The next night, Emily decides to go to the library to study, which Hanna thinks is ridiculous, because . . . you know . . . libraries . . . EW! Hanna prefers to study in the mall, and buy “study,” I mean “shoplift.”
“No, it’s a Brain Thing.”
These were probably my favorite two lines of dialogue in the entire episode. And the FACE Hanna makes when she asks about the “Gay Thing” is priceless!
For about two seconds, Hanna seems hurt by Emily’s decision to leave her for those smelly old books. But then Caleb stops by, and it’s like, “Emily who?”
“Is that a bedazzled cell phone in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”
Caleb REALLY DOES seem to want Hanna to be the Carmella Soprano to his Tony. So, once again, he starts making phone calls for his illegal enterprise in Hanna’s room, when he should be doing something more productive with his time, like, oh . . . I don’t know . . . having wild and crazy sex homework? Hanna, who is already practicing to be the perfect housewife in training, plays the classic Wifey Trick on her new boyfriend. “I’m not judging you for what you do, I’m just. . . concerned,” Hanna says, in a way that makes it SO OBVIOUS that she is TOTALLY judging him.
“I REALLY, REALLY want to talk about it. PLEASE, PLEASE ASK ME I don’t want to talk about it.”
An annoyed Caleb claims he “doesn’t want to talk about it,” which is obviously Total B.S., since he INSISTS on flaunting his “phone business” in front of Hanna, pretty much any chance he gets. So, she subtly threatens Caleb, that if he DOESN’T talk about his crimes, she will be forced to extol for him the many virtues of HAIR WEAVES . . .
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the most ‘unbe-weave-able’ one of all?”
Like a Prisoner of War faced with having his private parts placed in a vice grip, Caleb starts telling Hanna ALL ABOUT the Car Stealing Gang he used to run with. Eventually, these guys became too intense for him, and he bailed. So, in other words, Hanna should be happy that his only crime now is helping teens get free porn on their iPods, because it could be SO much worse. Hanna reluctantly agrees, because, as she tells Emily later. She’s just SOOOO happy, he came back for her, after the whole “Male Prostitute Fiasco.”
“That Caleb . . . he’s such a stand-up guy . . . someone who was willing to give up the opportunity to have PAID sex with me, in order to have FREE sex with me. *sigh* My hero!”
Of course, the problem is that the dude watching Caleb and Hanna chatting outside the school is SO OBVIOUSLY part of the gang Caleb abandoned. My advice to Hanna: Enjoy Caleb’s flawless face while it lasts, because if I know anything about gangs, someone’s about to break that pretty mug into about a million pieces . . .
Oh, did I mention that Hanna and Emily got to watch Hanna’s drunk parents fondle one another on the staircase? Well . . . now I have!
Remember when Mama Marin did this to Deputy Douchey in the Pilot Episode? Sounds like Girlfriend needs to learn a little lesson in “impulse control.” They call it “GET A ROOM” for a reason, Ashley!”
Meanwhile, in Arialand . . .
Two is Company, Three is Sexy, Four is a STEAL . . .
Poor Aria! It must be so hard to have two insanely gorgeous men in your living room, hitting on you, at the EXACT SAME TIME!
Good NEWS! Aria’s Parents are having a “Aren’t You Glad We’re Still Together, Even Though Byron was Caught Screwing his Student not too Long Ago” Get Together at the house! And guess who’s invited? THIS GUY!
But that’s not all! Aria’s parents are also inviting THIS GUY . . .
Unfortunately, it’s not a “Clothing Optional” kind of party . . .
By the way, I love how, aside from Aria’s two boyfriends, and the one random couple with the baby, Mama and Papa Montgomery seemingly didn’t have any other people to invite to their little clambake. I mean, that’s strange right? Mama Montgomery invited Facelift Jason, because she felt bad about what happened to his Mom at his fashion show, but, apparently, not bad enough to ACTUALLY invite his Mom.
“Hey, don’t look at me. I’m just as high confused as you are.”
Papa Montgomery invited Fitzy, because he felt like Fitzy didn’t have any other teacher friends at Hollis. And yet, apparently, Papa Montgomery doesn’t have any “teacher friends” at Hollis either except for the former student he banged, because Fitzy is the only faculty member he ended up inviting. Heck, the Montgomery’s couldn’t even get their OWN son to come to their party . . .
Hey! Look! Mike stole that off of somebody’s car! Maybe he’s part of Caleb’s old Gang!
You know, if you think about it, half the people at the Montgomery were only there for a chance to enter Aria’s panties . . . To say otherwise, would be like saying that people watch PORN for the cinemotography . . . I’ll admit, I laughed quite a bit, when Mama Montgomery noted that Aria should “get used to calling Fitzy, Ezra.” Ha! At this point in their relationship, “Ezra” is probably the TAMEST of the nicknames she has for him.
So, remember a few weeks back, when Aria got super pissed at Fitzy for not wanting to give her hug in front of her parents at Ian’s funeral. Well, it seems that this week the tables have turned. When an incredibly nervous Aria begs Fitzy not to show up at her family dinner party, Fitzy surprises her, by INSISTING that he genuinely wants to attend.
Fitzy’s argument in favor of his own attendance? Aria wants the two of them to “come out” as a couple. This seems like the most expedient, and least painful, way to begin doing that . . .
Intially, Aria remains skeptical. But then Fitzy plants a Big Fat Wet One on her . . .
And she loses the capacity to remember her OWN name, let alone disagree with anything Fitzy has said!
Ezra arrives at the Montgomery house first, bearing gifts of flowers and top shelf Scotch, which he pretends to enjoy for alchy Papa’s benefit, even though he once told Aria, the stuff tastes like diet cola and iodine. (Really, Fitzy? You’ve tasted IODINE before? Why? Did you think it would give you superpowers?)
“Great Bottle, Fitzy! I just wish it wasn’t so small, so I’d have enough liquor leftover for breakfast tomorrow too!”
Aria is just SO PROUD of her boyfriend’s mad “Kiss the Parents’ Asses,” moves. In fact, she’s just about to take Fity into her bedroom, and have her way with him when THIS GUY appears on her doorstep . . .
“Well, hello Aria’s panties . . . er . . . I mean Aria. It’s great to see you again!”
“Who the f*&k is this douche (and how does he get his hair to be so fluffy)?”
As you might expect Fitzy and Facelift Jason enter into a bit of a classic pissing contest to determine who’s “more manly” for Aria to date. Bike riding stats are exchanged . . .
Go, Speedracer, GO!
But, of course, my favorite part of the whole evening, came when Facelift Jason asked if Fitzy HAD Aria . . .
. . . in his CLASS . . . had her IN HIS CLASS . . .
Yeah . . . I didn’t think that was what he meant, either . . .
Unfortunately, a Cop (not Deputy Douchey) has to come by and interrupt the Facelift Jason and Fitzy comedy hour, to inform Ma and Pa Montgomery that Mike’s been stealing stuff from people again . . . while they are still HOME! (WHAT A MORON!)
“Bad Boys, Bad Boys. Whatcha Gonna Do? Whatcha Gonna Do when they come for YOU!”
Ma and Pa Montgomery rush off to spring their son from the POKEY, leaving Aria to “entertain” her two gentleman callers. I SMELL A THREESOME!
YEAH! A Threesome! Facelift Jason LIKE!
“Thanks, but no thanks! I’d much rather go pout in the corner, and write poetry about my feelings.”
Meanwhile, Mama Montgomery is FINALLY realizing how badly she and Byron are sucking as parents, considering that one of their kids has become a total klepto, and the other one is probably being stalked by a serial killer, and neither of those two had ANY clue about it . . .
“Ohhh . . . so THAT’S what our son looks like! We FORGOT!”
In an earlier conversation between Mama Montgomery and Mama Marin, we learn that these two are actually pretty close though not close enough for her to be invited to the DINNER PARTY, and that Emily’s Mom is a part of their social circle. But Papa Hastings TOTALLY has cooties!
In this scene, we learn that PAPA Hastings was the guy behind all the girls seeing a therapist, as well as the RIDICULOUSLY BAD (not to mention, ineffective) decision to separate the PLL girls. (I love how all the moms’ on this show seem pretty cool, but all the dad’s . . . with the exception of Emily’s . . . seem TOTALLY evil.)
Fitzy earns some major points for offering to help Aria clean up after the party . . .
There is nothing sexier, than a man who knows his way around a dishwasher . . .
But then, he sort of loses some points, by jealously interrogating Aria about Facelift Jason . . .
Speaking of Facelift Jason, he has the advantage of knowing what’s going on with Klepto Mike. So, he uses it to his advantage, by playing the “Sensitive Guy,” and comforting Aria about the sudden emergence of her brother’s DARK SIDE . . .
“You seem tense, Aria! Take off your clothes, and I will give you a massage.”
Facelift Jason suggests that Aria find out how serious Mike’s stealing problem IS, so that she can better assess her next move. Within minutes, Aria has found Mike’s MASSIVE THIEF STASH RIGHT IN HIS ROOM. Geez! His parents really had to be blind to miss this! Speaking of blind . . .
Aria is PISSED AS HELL that Klepto Mike would have the gall to steal from a Brother F*&king BLIND CHICK!
Look familiar?
She then abruptly, and unceremoniously, throws her two male suitors out of her household, so that she can rip Klepto Mike a new butthole, when he comes home.
“Was it something I said?”
Upon being confronted by Aria, Klepto Mike insists that he didn’t steal that ugly piece of crap bowl from Blind Jenna’s house. Rather, he took it from Policeboy Garrett’s HOUSE! (By the way, did I hear Klepto Mike correctly, is Garrett’s name really, “Officer McFriendly?” Talk about a wimpy, non-intimidating, name for a cop. They might as well call the guy Mr. Happy Pants!)
Realizing that Policeboy is in the bed cahoots with Blind Jenna, Aria rushes to text Spencer that he can’t be trusted.
But is it already TOO LATE?
Don’t Be Such a Stick in the Mud, Spencer’s Dad!
“DAD! You’re not holding it right! Geez! Does ANYBODY know how to play field hockey on this show besides me (and Dead Creepy Pedo Ian, of course)?
For someone who was once a suspected killer, Abs Toby is quickly becoming the most POPULAR carpenter / landscape architect in town . . .
“Hey, Abs Toby! Why so many clothes? Don’t you like us anymore?”
Just a few weeks back, he was hired by Jason to help him build his fence to hide dead bodies . . . a project that Papa Hastings paid to have discontinued because, in his words, “the DiLaurentis’ are always crossing the line . . .”
. . . into his PANTS!
Then, Papa Hastings hired Abs Toby to finish work on his barn, as sort of an “I’m sorry for thinking you were a killer and forbidding you to date my daughter,” thing. In addition to being a super carpenter, excellent Scrabble player, solid mystery solver, awesome landscaper, fabulous ABS-haver, and remarkable kisser, Toby is apparently also a GREAT ARCHITECT. And the plans he drew up for Papa Hastings’ barn filled Daddy-o with hope that at LEAST one of his children could potentially marry someone who will be rich AND not a psychopath. It’s win / win!
But all that good feeling and mutual respect is put in jeopardy, when Toby digs up Crazy Nanny Carrie Melissa’s old hockey stick in the Hastings’ yard.
And Papa Hastings snatches it away so fast you would think it was a text message from Anthony Weiner . . .
“Stop fondling my stick, Abs Toby!”
When Toby tells Spencer about what happened (I love how honest these two are with one another. It’s refreshing . . . almost as refreshing as watching their crazy hot makeout sessions, on a weekly basis.), she immediately recalls that (1) Ali had taken Spencer’s hockey stick to practice using it as a sex toy with Ian;
“Ian’s stick is much smaller than this one . . .”
. . . and (2) Mr. “I Have No Memory of the Night of Ali’s Death” Facelift Jason once almost hit her with it . . .
“Doesn’t this stick match my shirt perfectly? I think I’ll carry it around, and use it as a cane.”
Now, I know this scene was supposed to be all SCARY. But honestly, it looked like your typical brother / sister rivalry to me. I’m sure Facelift Jason is going to end up being the Number One suspect in Ali’s murder, because that’s clearly what the writers are building toward. However, I honestly, don’t think he did it. Nobody that the PLL’s actually suspect ever ends up being the actual killer. That’s just how this show works . . .
“So, Abs Toby. What exactly is your workout regimen? Because I would love a set of pects like yours!”
Papa Hastings creepily confronts poor Tobs, once again, in the middle of the night, this time to tell him not to tell Spencer about the hockey stick. Abs Toby admits that he already HAS told Spencer, but at least has the foresight to lie and say she didn’t seem to care. Then Papa tells the Tobmeister not to tell Spencer about THIS conversation, which, of course, Abs Toby rushes to do, right away! (That’s right Toby! At least SOMEONE knows where his bread is buttered, if you catch my drift.)
“See? I was a good boy, wasn’t I! You are going to REWARD me, aren’t you?”
The first time Spencer meets with Garrett the Policeboy its to inquire about that messenger guy who Policeboy paid off at Blind Jenna’s request up and left town, after trying to collect the blackmail money for Ian’s sex tapes. The girls would like to question him more about the person who sent him, because it sure as heck wasn’t Ian. It was BLIND JENNA!
Hey, Spencer! You know that when guys do that THING with their belts, it means that they’re aroused, right? Just warning you!
Of course, that Lying Creepster of a Policeboy is not only patronizing, but TOTALLY unhelpful, telling Spencer that there is basically no chance in heck that Messenger Boy is returning to town, so she might as well move on with her life. (Obviously, Policeboy is covering for Blind Jenna. I don’t think SHE killed Ali either. But Policeboy might THINK that she did . . .)
Then Spencer arrives home to find her Dad TOSSING THE HOCKEY STICK INTO THE FIRE, thereby destroying the only evidence the girls may have as to Ali’s real killer . . .
Now Papa Hastings may be your typical rich assh*le, who’d rather throw money at his kids than actually engage in conversation with them. He’s also obstructing justice by destroying criminal evidence here. All that being said, I really believe that he is doing this to try to protect his daughters. Papa recognizes that Spencer was ALREADY once suspected of murdering Ali, when the police found that bloody trophy on the premises. Surely, they would suspect her or Melissa again, if this stick ever turned up.
Still, Spencer is devastated by the notion that her father continues to think the worst of her, despite her being the perfect daughter, not to mention SO MUCH better than her miserable excuse for a human being, sister. Fortunately, she has Toby (and his Abs) to comfort her, during this difficult time . . .
He promises to help Spencer try to find out the truth about what really happened to Alison, so that she can finally be at peace, and prove to her family, once and for all, what a bunch of a$$holes they are . . . It’s actually Toby who indirectly gives Spencer the idea to talk to Policeboy Garrett about what was in Ali’s coroner’s report, as that would undoubtedly illustrate the specific manner in which Ali was killed, and possibly even pin down whether the hockey stick was the weapon that killed her. (SOMEONE’S BEEN WATCHING CSI!)
Honestly, how these girls could have gone on trusting this CREEPER for as long as they have is beyond me? How many times have they asked for his help? And how many times has he given them NOTHING AT ALL but more questions, skeevy leers, and admonitions that they musn’t go to any other cops, aside from him. I’m just glad Spencer got Aria’s text, before she had the chance to spill the beans to Policeboy, as to who she thinks killed Ian.
Now, if only SOMEONE would kill the Policeboy (and, Blind Jenna, while they are at it).
Any volunteers?
“Paging Dr. Gloved Hand . . .”
I guess we can now add Mad Scientist to “A’s” already ridiculously long resume of Super Villain Skills . . .
The final scene of the episode, features the elusive Gloved Hand injecting a drug called BD7 (Belledium? Belledonna? Bad Donuts?) into a syringe, as the song “I’ve Got You Under My Skin” plays in the background. (Get it? “Under My Skin” . . . because it’s a syringe? Har de har har).
Based on some of the hints we were given in this episode, in conjunction with the Episode 8 promo, I’d say the person being poisoned is our girl, Emily.
Lay off the sauce, Girlfriend! This is NO JOKE!
You can checkout the MuchMusic promo for next week’s installment of PLL, HERE . . .
Until then . . . au revoir, My Pretties! 🙂
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