Crimes of Fashion – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Never Letting Go”

SPENCER:  Pssst, don’t look now, but there’s a BIG GIANT ALISON HEAD behind us . . .

EMILY:  Maybe, if we ignore it, it will go away . . .

Poor “sweet” Alison!  Perhaps, if there wasn’t a memorial service for her every two episodes, people would stop trying to sabotage them . . .

Hello, my Pretties!  This week on PLL, we got to meet Alison’s Mommy, Samara’s “friend,” and a whole lot of dresses.  We also got to see how well our favorite little liars can work the Runway . . .

Ten innocent bottles of hairspray were harmed in the making of this picture.  FOR SHAME!

Also this week, no hot men took off their shirts . . .

“Oh the humanity!”

 . . . which is why I decided to do THIS for you . . .

You’re welcome!

Wipe the drool off your mouths, girls . . . because it’s time to get this Pretty Little Recap started .  . .

“It’s All Fun and Games, Until Someone Hacks Up a Hairball.”

Here’s a Riddle:  How many Pretty Little Liars does it take to fold a bunch of fashion show programs?

Answer:  Apparently, all of them.  (Because folding is . . . like . . . hard . . . or something.)

When the episode begins, the Fabulous Foursome is in Spencer’s room (at least, I think it’s Spencer’s room), preparing for the annual school fashion show / charity event / function where “A” will inevitably torture the girls, and make them wish they were never born.  As has become the norm, the girls spend the opening scenes of the episode, helpfully rehashing what happened last week, and trying to figure out who killed Alison.  Spencer reminds us, that just because Creepy Pedo Ian didn’t kill Alison on the raunchy sex tape, doesn’t mean he didn’t do it later . . .

You’re not off the hook yet, Buddy!  (Poor choice of words?)

Hanna wonders whether “A” isn’t Ali’s actual killer.  It’s interesting how, at the beginning of the series, both the girls themselves, and most PLL fans, had always ASSUMED the aforementioned premise to be true.  Then, sometime in the middle of the first season, the theory that “A” and Ali’s killer were two DIFFERENT people seemed to become commonly accepted.  Now, it seems, with Creepy Pedo Ian dead, the girls, at least, have returned to the first theory.

But, hey, who needs to talk about “boring stuff” like Ali’s killer, when we can talk about EXCITING stuff, like what kind of lip gloss Hanna was wearing when she started cleaning Caleb’s teeth with her tongue, at the end of last week’s episode?

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Apparently, she was wearing the sticky kind that tends to get hair stuck to it . . . hair like Caleb’s long luscious locks.  Aria (who’s already a little bit pissy, because, not only did Fitzy REFUSE to hug her in public, last week, he also ditched her this week to enter the PLL Lost Significant Other Vortex “attend some lame college conference”) has some choice words to say about that . . .

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*insert hacking noises here*

By the way, I don’t know about you, but, lip gloss or no lipgloss, I’ve never had the experience of hacking up hairballs from making out with guys.  Perhaps, Aria just kisses hairier men than I do!

Don’t worry, Fitzy!  I wasn’t talking about YOU . . . (See shaved tummy picture above)

Speaking of Aria’s many hairy suitors, she gets a text message from one of them, just shortly after making her hairball comment . . .

OK, here’s another question:  How many of you actually include FULL NAMES in your cell phone contacts?  I mean, I understand that Jason is a fairly common guy’s name.  So, maybe a popular girl like Aria has four or five friends named Jason.  But still, wouldn’t “Jason D” be sufficient?  Or “Jason Ali’s Bro”?  Or, my personal favorite, “Facelift Jason?”  Honestly, I’m not even sure a name like “Jason Dilaurentis” would fit in my cell phone contact list!  A name like that would probably take up MY ENTIRE SCREEN!  But, I digress . . .

Text Message Reply:  “Hello, Jason Dilaurentis.  Aria Montgomery would very much like to meet you outside in your car, so that we can discuss the fact that you are still a murder suspect, and perhaps, if we are lucky, make out.  Don’t worry, I am wearing a special lipgloss that minimizes hairball creation.”

Being sure not to tell the girls who she is meeting (They, of course, assume it’s Fitzy), Aria heads out in the dark of night to rendezvous with Facelift Jason. 

Try to forget, for a moment, that he has been eye f*&king her to near-pregnancy in every scene the two of them shared, since he got his new face.  Do you want to know why I THINK it’s obvious that Facelift Jason wants a First Class Trip inside the Montgomery Pantalones?  Let’s put it this way, he asked to meet her in secret . . . in his expensive car . . . in the middle of the night . . . just to tell her not to tell anybody about something he said to her the day before. 

“Don’t worry Facelift Jason, I’m going to keep this between you, me, “A,” and the million or so folks who watch Pretty Little Liars, every week . . .”

Wouldn’t a “Don’t tell your Big Mouth Friends that I think I may have killed my sister, while in the midst of a Drunken Rage Blackout” text message would have sufficed, in this situation?

Anyway, Facelift Jason is relieved that Aria is thankful enough to him for not ratting her bratty brother out as a Dirty Thief, to not rat him out as a Drug Addict / Potential Sister Killer.  Everybody WINS!  (Well, except Ali of course . . . who’s dead . . . and Creepy Pedo Ian, who’s also dead).

Dads Behaving Badly . . .

Talk about sending a bad message!  There are FOUR DADS on this show.  And if my theories about Spencer’s papa is correct, the ONLY one of them who has never been unfaithful to his lady love, is the one who’s too busy fighting for his country to have time to do so!

“YAY!  I WIN!”

In a scene that’s highly reminiscent of the Aria’s Parents Secretly Start Dating One Another Again storyline (BARF!), Hanna comes home to find her divorced Mommy and Daddy slowly getting eachother wasted with Martinis, and looking at one another, like they want to do it on the counter, right in front of their daughter.

“I’m so glad you guys decided to fork over the money for my therapy.  Because I am REALLY going to need a shrink, after seeing this . . .”

Some might argue that Hanna should be happy that her parents are possibly reconciling.  And yet, this jaded blonde has been around the block enough times with her Douchey Dad to have developed a healthy dose of skepticism toward his ever-evolving definition of “family.”  “What’s for dessert?”  She asks her “sperm donor” snidely.   “Or are you saving that for your new family?”

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Dysfunctional Family Land, Spencer has just finished probably having super hot sex with Abs Toby . . .

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. . . when she overhears her dad loudly arguing with someone on the phone.  Specifically, he is telling someone that he or she “clearly doesn’t have control over a certain situation, if Jason is back home.”  Cue Spencer Face!

When Spencer asks her dad about the telephone conversation, he acts suspicious enough that it prompts Spencer to dial the last number he called, after he conveniently leaves the phone on the kitchen table.  

“Do you like Scary Movies?”

Upon doing that, she quickly learns that the woman her Dad was screaming at was none other than . . . wait for it . . . Ali’s and Jasons’ Mom, Jessica DiLaurentis  . . . 

BUSTED!

Now, I’m guessing that Spencer’s POP and his Lady Friend were both using landlines to make this call, considering (1) Spencer had to press Redial to solve the mystery, instead of simply looking at the “Dialed Calls” list that is now available on pretty much every cell phone made in the last FIVE YEARS; (2) Dead Ali’s Mom conveniently stated her FULL NAME, upon picking up the phone, which means that she obviously didn’t realize that the call was coming from the Exact Same Person Who Just Called Her Moments Ago. 

*sigh*  Old People . . . they never learn . . . 😉

Now, to me, it seems pretty obvious that the “Big Secret” Spencer’s Dad and Ali’s Mom are hiding is that they had an affair at some point.  And the reason that Spencer’s Dad is so miffed about Jason returning to town is that HE KNOWS ABOUT IT, somehow.  Then again, I could be TOTALLY wrong . . .

In other Parental Unit News, Emily’s Mom is getting all weepy about missing Emily’s Dad . . .

*insert blubbering noises here*

So, Emily suggests that she go stay with him in Texas for a while, so the two can have Wild and Crazy Monkey Sex in the army barracks get “reacquainted,” while Emily finishes out the school year in Rosewood.

“WOO HOO!  Parties every night at my house!  You’re all invited!”

Dressed to Kill (or Be Killed)

The next day, Spencer and Aria are talking about how suspicious Facelift Jason is acting (Actually, Spencer is talking about that.  Aria is sticking up for Facelift Jason, like it’s her JOB!  Watch out, Fitzy!), when they get a strange e-mail from Alison’s mom, inviting all four of the PLL’s to lunch . . . UH OH!

OK . . . now this may be because I’m a TOTAL NERD, but I had so much fun reading the subject headings for all of Spencer’s FAKE E-MAILS!  Someone in the production department probably had a blast coming up with these!  Here are some questions I had:  (1) Why is Melissa e-mailing Spencer for “lunch” when she (a) hates her now, because of the Ian thing, and (b) is supposedly on vacation? (2) Whose birthday is it, that Spencer is getting them cupcakes? (3) Spencer plays the flute? (4) What the heck is Albacore Design?  And why does Spencer keep making and canceling orders from them?

Cue, the most AWKWARD lunch meeting ever . . .

Only the swankiest of restaurants serve their drinks in jars of leaves . . .

Alison’s mom, who’s looking a bit looped, after her fourth Bloody Mary before noon (Hey, I’m sure it’s Happy Hour, SOMEWHERE!), is apparently STILL head of the school board, despite the fact that neither of her children have attended Rosewood Prep in at least a year.  (Maudlin much?)  She recalls depressingly how much her Dead Daughter loved the Annual Fashion show, and asks the Pretty Little Liars to dedicate a portion of the show to Alison, while each wearing dresses that the SHE picked out, before she was murdered. 

“Even in death, I am still making you feel self-conscious, and not-so-subtly criticizing your taste in clothing, MWAH-HAHAHA!”

The girls (rightfully) think this is an ABSOLUTELY AWFUL IDEA.  I mean . . . we all remember what happened THE LAST TIME these four made a memorial for Ali, right?

R.I.P. Ugly Ass Memorial Fountain

But still, they have to do it.  Because, really, how can you say no to a grieving Mom?

As if the Annual Fashion Show hadn’t become frightening enough, Spencer soon learns that Annoying Mona has stolen the position of Committee Chairperson right out from under her during that whole Under Suspicion for Murdering Ali Fiasco (not to mention completely discarded the programs Spencer spent hours painstakingly FOLDING)  . . .

“We thought you were like going to jail, or something,” offers Mona, in a faux sweet voice.  “Decisions had to be made.  I made them.”

“That’s right, Mona.  I’ve never murdered anyone.  But keep talking, and that might change real fast.”

I’ve gotta say, Janel Parrish (the actress who plays Mona) is spectacular.  The way she portrays this character makes me GENUINELY want to reach into the television and wring her neck, every time she is on screen!  Her voice is like nails on a chalkboard to me.  Like Spencer, I have no idea why a fun, funny, non-annoying, girl like Hanna would ever willingly spend time with such a slimy toad.  Mona is probably the kind of girl who gets spit or worse in her food EVERY SINGLE TIME she eats at a restaurant, if you catch my drift . . .

Mona’s personal “chef”

Fortunately, for Spencer, she has Toby at her side, to prevent her from doing bodily harm to the Evil Mona . .  .

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Oh, did I mention that Mona hired her new boyfriend, Bushy Eyebrows Noel to D.J. the affair?

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Things just went from awkward .  . . to annoying . . . to dangerously creepy, in about two minutes flat . . .

Sometimes the Truth Hurts . . .

Peek-a-BOOB!

Apparently, Emily’s new girlfriend has more talents than just the ability to fangirl at swim meets, and successfully lie to parents, she’s also quite the master seamstress!  We find Samara at Emily’s house, gleefully fondling the latter’s lady parts, under the guise of fitting her in Alison’s dress  for the fashion show . . .

“Ummm . . . Samara?  My eyes are UP HERE!”

Between you and me, Samara has always struck me as being a bit insecure about the extent of Emily’s feelings for her.  Perhaps, she senses that her new girl Friday seems more than a bit hung up on her former Ex-Loves (and current PLL Vortex Inhabitants) Maya and Little Orphan Bitchy . . .

“LET US OUT!  WE’VE BEEN TRAPPED IN HERE FOR MONTHS!”

So, it is not surprising to me that Samara purposefully tries to “test” Emily, by asking if she could bring a “date” with her to the fashion show.  Not wanting to seem too possessive over her “friend with benefits,” Emily reluctantly agrees, even managingto offer Samara a polite little smile, upon hearing the request . . .  (Threesome, anyone?)

Meanwhile, after hearing from her Mother that memories lost during alcoholic blackouts  can be revived with proper coaxing and psychological support (By the way, kudos to Aria’s mom for not-so-subtly copping to taking part in underage drinking, back in the day.) . . .

“To be honest, Aria, I’m still a bit hazy about the night you were conceived. .  .”

 . . . Shrink Aria meets up with Facelift Jason (who looks so much like Ali, they really could be brother and sister)  . . .

 . . .  to review the pictures of Ali they plan to use in their slideshow tribute to the Dead Girl, during the fashion show . .  .

Hey FaceliftJason, how do you expect to see the pictures, if you keep STARING LOVINGLY AT ARIA, while she’s showing them to you?

Things are going well, until Aria starts peppering Facelift Jason with questions about the night of the accident.  Once he figures out what she’s trying to do, he gets SUPER defensive, and eventually storms off.  I guess SOME memories are better off repressed . . .

“Nice going, ARIA!  You just totally blew your opportunity to have sex with me  . . . ummm . . . Well . . . actually, I’d still kind of like to have sex with you . . . if you want to have sex with me.  Do you?  WOULD YOU?  Pretty please, with a weiner on top?”

Speaking of Men in Denial, Hanna’s father refuses to cop to the fact that the REAL reason he keeps hanging around the house, is that he wants to get back into Hanna’s mom’s pants . . .

“You want relationship advice, DAD?  Did I ever tell you about the time my boyfriend was PAID to seduce me, and took my virginity in a tent outside?  Good times!”

Beauty is Painful (and, sometimes, even deadly)

“Gee, thanks a lot A!  Now our chances of becoming contestants on America’s Next Top Model are pretty much ruined!”

What started off as a fairly slow, and uneventful episode, definitely picked up the pace, during the climactic annual fashion show, where, in just minutes . .  .

 . . . Emily met the Mister to her girlfriend, Samara’s “Misses,” and became insanely jealous (which was precisely why Samara brought her along, in the first place).  This eventually, prompted Emily and Samara to have “The Talk” about the status of their relationship, and whether they should take it to the “next level.”  (Nothing was really decided, however.)

Hanna went for a liquor run, and got an eyefull of her supposedly-separated parents dry-humping on the dance floor, instead . . .

PAPA MARIN:  “Let’s make another baby . . . right here . . . while our daughter watches.”

MAMA MARIN: “Oh, Daddy!  You always DID know how to sweet talk me . . .”

“Oh, MY EYES!  I think I just went blind . . .”

*laughs maniacally*  “Mission accomplished!”

Speaking of Hanna, the uninvited Caleb decides to crash the Fashion Show, in order to support her, whether she wants to be supporte or not.  (Something tells me, Ashley won’t be the ONLY Marin girl to be getting some nookie tonight . . .)

Spencer spots her Dad fighting with Ali’s Mom again.  (Where’s SPENCER’S MOM, anyway?  On vacation with Crazy Nanny Carrie Melissa?)

Spencer is also asked by Mona — who is randomly wearing weird librarian glasses —  to deliver the Ali Tribute CD to Bushy Eyebrows Noel (a potentially important detail that we will touch upon, in just a bit) . . .

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 When Spencer hands the CD off to Bushy Eyebrows, he asks her if she wants to watch it first, to make sure it is “OK.”  Spencer says “No” . . . a decision she will undoubtedly come to regret later not that it matters, since Bushy and Mona probably would have switched the CDs at the last minute anyway, if they are, in fact, behind all this.

Meanwhile, Jason continues to have visual intercourse with Aria, even though he is supposedly still “mad at her” . . .

It’s important to practice safe eyesex, boys and girls!  You never know where else your partner has LOOKED, before you!

The fashion show begins, and our PLL girls strut their stuff, and shake their asses, down the runaway to the cheers and catcalls of a mixture of adoring parents, and potential pedophiles . . .

If The Flintstones was ever made into a porno, I’m pretty sure Betty Rubble would be wearing an outfit like Emily’s . . .

Then the music changes, and it’s time for the Ali Tribute.  The girls smile politely, as they walk out together, in the dresses that Ali herself never had the chance to showcase . . .

Cute dresses . . . but I’m not loving the hair choices . . .

Suddenly, the music gets all angry, and death metal-ly.  Then, THIS HAPPENS and, it’s really NO SUPRISE AT ALL, CONSIDERING THEY SHOWED THIS PART IN THE MUCHMUSIC PREVIEWS . . .

The whole crowd gasps audibly, as Spencer rushes to turn off the slideshow, and Ali’s mom rushes out of the room in tears . . .

(OK, now I know it’s is probably an inappropriate time to ask this, but who’s the Extra sitting next to Facelift Jason?  He’s CUTE!  Hey, Buddy, if you are reading this, Call Me!)

Once the chaos has died down, the PLL girls find themselves alone on stage, in entirely different dresses, than the ones they were wearing earlier.  (I love that Hanna is wearing the inappropriate Nikki Minaj Concert Dress she wanted to wear to Creepy Pedo Ian’s funeral!)  Of course, “A” has one final message she wants to deliver just to them  . . .

 . . . make that TWO final messages . . .

Given “A’s” passion for fashion, and b*tchy snarkery, not to mention that “my dresses” comment, it is becoming more and more apparent that “A” is a WOMAN (which is not to say that she doesn’t have a male companion by her side to do the “heavy lifting.”)  In particular, the final scene of the episode, seems to suggest that the Gloved Hand is manicured underneath the leather (more on that later) . . .

The Aftermath . . .

Understandably, the PLL girls are pretty darn eager to escape the school auditorium, after all that happened to them there.  Hanna cuts out with a wide-eyed and clearly smitten Caleb (But where’s LUCAS?) . . .

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Meanwhile, Aria is accosted by a sickeningly smug-looking Bushy Eyebrows Noel, who seems WAY TOO PLEASED WITH HIMSELF, when he hands her back the incriminating CD . . .

“Hi, my name is Bushy Eyebrows Noel.  I butcher small puppies for fun, and feed them to the hungry furry caterpillars sitting over my eyelids.”

I have to say, I cheered a bit when Facelift Jason intervened, and broke the CD with his barehands.  (On the other hand, now we might never know who tampered with the damn thing!)

“You don’t SCARE ME, EYEBROWS!  I’ve smoked blunts bigger than YOU!”

Cue the Facelift Jason / Aria Sexual Tension Moment . . .

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The pair end up leaving together in his car . . . sound familiar?

Back at home, we get three quick parental moments, in short succession.  In the first, Hanna’s dad FINALLY admits to still being in love with Hanna’s mom.  And Hanna finally accepts him back into her life . . . (Repeat after me, “AWWWW!)

“So, if your Mom’s room’s a-rockin, don’t come a-knockin”

Emily’s mom decides to go to Texas to see her husband, and, therefore, lets Emily bunk with the Marin’s for the rest of the year.  (Because, apparently, the Marin house is the equivalent to the Rosewood Homeless Teen Shelter . . . just ask Caleb!)

(This seemed like kind of a random plot point to me.  I’m thinking “Mom” landed a movie role, or TV pilot, or something . . .)

Finally, Spencer’s Dad reluctantly admits to fighting with Ali’s and Jason’s Mom, and warns Spencer to stay away from Facelift Jason so that he can’t tell her about the AFFAIR!.

Remember, how I told you that the last scene seemed to pretty strongly suggest that “A” / Gloved Hand was a woman?  Well, it begins with a closeup on an array of open fashion magazines kind of like the ones MONA might have used to create the new Fashion Show program.  Now, I don’t mean to be sexist, but how many men DO YOU KNOW that read women’s fashion magazines (Well, aside from the MALE FASHION DESIGNERS, of course)?  Gloved Hand then orders a pair of fashionable women’s boots online in Size 5.5. (very small feet!), and delivers them to an as-of-yet unknown address . . .

(By the way, have you ever tried using a laptop, while wearing gloves?  It’s IMPOSSIBLE .  . . Not to mention, it makes your hands really sweaty.)

So, which PLL girl is about to get a new pair of shoes from “A?”  Tune in next week to find out!  Until next time, My Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

(Text) Messages from Beyond the Grave – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “The Devil You Know”

Somewhere in Hell Heaven, Alison DiLaurentis is hopping mad that her photograph has been discarded, along with the half-eaten fruits and stale lunch meats.  Meanwhile, on Earth, a TV Recapper simply wonders why no one in Rosewood recycles newspaper . . .

Hello, my Pretties!  It’s time for another installment of “A Knows Everything, and Everybody Acts Shady.”  Surprisingly enough, although this episode was depressingly Dr. WREN-LESS . . .

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 . . . and disconcertingly Abs Toby-Free . . .

Pretty Little Spoby

 . . . it still ended up being one of my favorite PLL episodes of the season.

HUH?

Why? You ask . . .

Because, after weeks and weeks of simply raising more questions, this show FINALLY gave us answers . . . It finally gave us (well . . . at least some of) the TRUTH!

Actually, Mr. Nicholson . . . WE CAN!

So, call up Dolce, Gabbana & Liebowitz, put on your least appropriate funeral dress, and pull up a chair in the local cemetery, because it’s time to get started with this recap . . .

Mystery Solved?  Not so fast . . .

“Hi Girls, it’s Police Boy Garrett!  I just happened to be passing through the school boning Blind Jenna in the janitor’s closet, when I saw all you lovely ladies sitting here.  So, I decided to share with you some important information that the viewers needed to know about Dead Creepy Pedo Zombie Ian.”

When we last left our Pretty Little Liars, they were huddled in a barn together, ogling the gory body of Spencer’s Sister’s Dead Fiance . . .

“That’s ME!”

 . . . a traumatizing image that basically guarantees that this foursome will be spending the rest of their lives in therapy . . .

*does Happy Dance* “YEAH!  Show me the MONEY!”  (I’d be smiling right now, but . . . you know . . . Botox.)

Back at school, the girls kindly recap for us what happened last week.  Once they are done doing that, Police Boy Garrett arrives with some lame excuse about “returning evidence to the gym.”  Come on GARRETT!  We all know what (or perhaps I should say WHO) you were doing . . .

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit . . .

Police Boy Garrett has some new information for the girls about Dead Creepy Pedo Zombie Ian.  Or, at least it’s new if you never saw the promos for this week’s episode.  He tells them that the autopsy on Ian’s body proves that, by the time he was found, Ian had already been . . . dead FOR A WEEK!

There must be something magical about Police Boy Garrett’s information reveal.  Because the moment it happens, Spencer and Emily seem to switch bodies.  We know this has happened the minute Emily starts making The Spencer Face.

From that moment on, Emily spends the rest of the episode doing Spencer Things like “Super Sleuthing,” “Mystery Solving,” “Suspect Interrogation,” and “Love Interest Judging.”  This is a side of Emily we had never seen before!  And having the opportunity to see it now, makes me almost as excited as I was the first time we met Drunk Emily . . .

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GOOD TIMES!

Spencer!Emily Deciphers Coded Suicide Notes!

After the rest of the girls leave the outdoor lounge (with Emily!Spencer undoubtedly wondering why she is suddenly crushing on girls) Spencer!Emily receives (SURPRISE!) yet another cryptic text message from “A.”  The difference of course, is, while most of A’s messages to the girls are merely mean, or annoying, this one is actually quite helpful! 

That’s right Spencer!Emily!  It’s time to do some Detective Work . . .

Helping Emily out is the fact that the girls have not only had the foresight to photograph Ian’s suicide note . . .

 . . . they’ve also saved every text message any of them have ever received from “A” on their cell phones.

Although an enterprising fan had already put together these clues for us last week, I have to say, I was rather impressed with the Mix N’ Match / Word Jumble way Emily figured out that Ian’s so-called suicide note was really nothing more than a list of A’s Greatest Text Messaging Hits. 

(Though, honestly, he or she really should have considered including My Personal Favorite “A” Message in this list . . .)

“Lions and Tigers and B*tches, Oh MY!”

(I still haven’t figured out how “A” managed to insert a text message into a Fortune Cookie!  Best Magic Trick EVER!)

You know what this means, don’t you?  Either Dead Creepy Pedo Ian was an extremely avid Pretty Little Liars fan, OR Ian had died back in the Bell Tower, and “A” shot him and forged the suicide note, to make it look like he wrote it . . .

But, not to worry Spencer!Emily fans!  Our Veronica Mars 3.0 (because the real Spencer is Veronica Mars 2.0, obviously) isn’t finished sleuthing.  Not . . . even  . . . close.

Spencer!Emily Interrogates Fed Ex Dude!

No offense, Logan Reed, but I remember you being a bit hotter you were on this show . . .

Open your legs and spread ’em!  (I think I’ve seen a few pornos that began this way.)

While picking up a package at Fed Ex, Emily notices a familiar face behind the counter.  (Cue The Spencer Face!)  Upon further investigation, she learns that Fed Ex Dude is actually Logan Reed.   Remember him?  He’s the guy who SOMEONE paid off to take the ransom money Police Boy Garrett and the girls used to try to catch Creepy Pedo Ian in the act of stealing the incriminating Dead Ali Snuff Porn video that “A” sent to them.

“Ohhhh YEAH!  I remember him!”

Poor Logan Reed pretty much pees himself, upon realizing that Emily recognizes him.  So, he runs away from her like a B*tch!

“Your ass is GRASS, Mister!”

However, with a little persistence, Spencer!Emily is eventually able to get Logan to talk.  He tells her that he had never even met Dead Creepy Zombie Pedo Ian.  Rather, he found an advertisement on line, offering him cash, if he pretended to be Ian and picked up some ransom money.  After Logan accepted the “job,” the rest of the transaction was completed by phone.  And the person on the other end of the line was . . . A WOMAN!

Now, I give credit where credit is due.  And I have to say, for a PLL I have always described as being not the brightest bulb in the lamp, Emily has shown herself to be pretty smart this week.  So, of course, before the episode ends, she has to do something PRETTY DARN STUPID to “even things out a bit” . . .

Spencer!Emily Trusts Police Boy Garrett (AGAIN!)

EMILY: “Hey, aren’t you that guy from the Lizzie McGuire Movie?”

GARRETT:  “I have no idea what you are talking about.”

It’s been almost a year?  Haven’t the PLL girls learned by now that all the cops in Rosewood are shady douche-monkeys, who just happen to look good with their shirts off?  Just like all Rosewood teachers like to make monkey with their younger students.

Oh, Deputy Douchey!  I miss YOU!

For whatever reason, Spencer!Emily gets the bonehead idea to tell Police Boy Garrett about Logan Reed, and the whole Ransom Money Thing . . .

Riiiiight . . . because this guy has been SO helpful and trustworthy thus far, it TOTALLY makes sense to confide in him again. 

Initially, of course, Police Boy Garrett shrugs off Emily’s information, basically telling her that Logan Reed doesn’t matter, since Ali’s killer, i.e. Ian, has already “confessed.”  Later, however, we see him (1) paying Logan WADS OF CASH to leave town, and never talk to Emily, or any of the PLL girls, again .  . .

Wow!  That’s a lot of Green Stuff!  They must pay cops REALLY WELL in Rosewood, which is strange, especially considering how bad they all suck.

 . . . and (2) calling Blind Jenna to tell her everything has gone according to plan. 

“Hey Baby, what are you wearing?”

“I don’t know.  Whatever Toby dressed me in, this morning.”

In all honesty, I think most of us had figured out, long before this episode aired, that Blind Jenna and Police Boy Garrett were the ones who orchestrated the Ian Porn Tape Handoff, last season.  But still, it was nice to FINALLY get conclusive evidence that this had occurred.  And yet, aside from doing whatever it takes to keep their own relationship a secret, Police Boy Garrett’s and Blind Jenna’s connection to “A” and/or Ali’s murder still remains to be seen .  . .

But fear not, my Pretties!  Spencer!Emily still has one more sleuthing trick up her sleeve.  However, I’m going to save that one for the very end of this recap, just to keep you guessing . . .

Speaking of Emily’s alter-ego / body swapping partner for the week . . .

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished (especially, when you are related to an EVIL WENCH like Crazy Nanny Carrie Melissa)

Coincidentally, this is a photograph of Melissa .  . . about two seconds before her head starts spinning around and spewing out green stuff.

Normally known for her Nancy Drew-itus, Spencer was surprisingly Emily-like this week, in that she opted to steer completely clear of “A”-themed drama, in favor of “moving on with her life.”  In fact, when Emily first came to her with all her Super Sleuth News, Spencer COMPLETELY BLEW HER OFF!

Unfortunately for Spencer, A had other plans for her snarkiest victim.  It all started when Spencer decided to do something nice for her traumatized, but still patently unlikeable, sister, by convincing her parents to give Dead Creepy Zombie Pedo Ian a full-fledged funeral, so that Melissa could get closure on her bizarre romantic relationship with the guy.

Remember this scene . . . where Spencer mistook her own grandmother for a reporter, and called her a Scum-Sucking Bottom Feeder over the phone, possibly giving the Old Lady a heart attack?  Good times!

By the way, I always found it a bit strange that Creepy Pedo Ian seemingly had no family, whatsoever.  Then again, this fact just confirms my suspicion that he is actually a Devil Spawn.

 . . . or an Evil Leprechaun . . .

All this Scum Sucking Bottom Feederness is actually followed up by a very sweet, poignant, and touchingly well-acted moment, in which Spencer’s mother FINALLY apologizes for never believing Spencer about Creepy Pedo Ian being a total sociopath.  (Now we’ve just got to wake Mommy up to the fact that her other daughter is a Psychotic Wench . . . baby steps.)

In addition to doing this, Mama Hastings also gets major points for STILL loving Dr. Wren as much as we do, and giving him his only shout-out in the entire episode.

Later, up in her room, Spencer starts looking for wedding rings online (not that Melissa would want to wear that ring NOW).  

To her chagrin she learns that Creepy Pedo actually spent a whopping $10 Gs on Melissa’s ring.  (The Rosewood school system must pay pretty well, I guess).  Even the knock off rings are too rich for Spencer’s blood!

“Hmmm . . . I wonder how much money Toby is going to spend on MY wedding ring, considering I BOUGHT HIM A CAR.”

Always one to add insult to injury, “A” picks this as the opportune moment to drop Spencer a little love text . . .

Note:  The word “ring” has TWO meanings . . . 😉

Later in the episode, Melissa does that thing she does every few episodes, in which she pretends to be nice to Spencer, by apologizing for not believing a word she says, turning her own parents against her, and basically torturing her, throughout her ENTIRE existence.  But just when Spencer is about to confess her sins to her sister, a phone RINGS, from inside her purse.

Surprise!  It’s Ian’s PHONE . . . the one “A’s” been using to send Melissa messages from a Dead Man . . .AND the one “A” slipped into Spencer’s purse at the end of last week’s episode, seemingly for this precise purpose.  Now convinced that her own sister totally hates her as much as all the viewers do, Melissa FREAKS OUT, and stomps off, leaving a shocked and saddened Spencer in her wake.

“What’s wrong?  Was it something I texted?”

Poor Spencer!  She can NEVER WIN . . . well . . . ALMOST never .  . .

In that horrifying moment, Emily!Spencer was put to rest, and Sleuthing Spencer came out of retirement . . . possibly for good . . .

Meanwhile, in Hanna-land . . .

From “Eat, Pray, Love” to “Drink, Snap, Slap,” to “Hug, Kiss, Screw?”

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When we first see Hanna, Caleb has stopped by her home again to stare at her boobs some more see how she’s been holding up, since the Dead Body Encounter.  At first, Hanna is not exactly responsive to Caleb’s obvious affectionate overtures.  “One date does not a relationship make,” she lectures.

“OK . . . but how about multiple dates, some almost-shower sex, a few hot breakfast makeout sessions, my taking your virginity in a tent, and my living in your house for weeks, before, finally, telling you I love you.  Does that a relationship make?”

Hanna apologizes for her rudeness, and inquires as to whether Caleb has ever seen a dead body before.  He tells her that he has.  (Something tells ME, there’s a juicy story there . . .)  At some point during all this, Hanna’s mom barges in, all freaked out because Hanna has not been answering her cell phone. 

In a surprisingly sweet scene, that serves as an excellent parallel to the one I described earlier between Spencer and her mom, Hanna’s mom admits that ever since this whole thing happened with Dead Creepy Pedo Zombie Ian, she has been frantic that something bad would happen to Hanna too (or, at least, something worse than all the awful crap that has already happened).  Hanna lies reassures her Mom that the worst is over, and the two share an intensely emotional hug, as Caleb looks on awkwardly at the Tampon Commercial playing out right before his very eyes .  . .

In other Mama Marin is Trying to Be a Good Parent news, Mommy Dearest rightly instructed her daughter that a tight slutty little red dress is NOT appropriate funeral attire, no matter how much you despise the Dearly Departed  . . .  “It’s a funeral, not a Nicki Minaj concert,” Mama Marin quips, earning extra points for actually knowing who Nicki Minaj is . . .

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But you don’t really care about Hanna and her Mom, do you?  You want to hear more about HALEB!  Well, my Pretties, you are in luck, because things are about to get pretty steamy in Haleb town . . .

Not this steamy, mind you . . . but close.

It all starts when Hanna apologizes to Caleb at school for forcing him to be a witness to her and her mother’s “chick flick.”  Caleb admits that he envies Hanna’s close relationship with her mother.  After all, Caleb’s only relationship with his Foster Mom is when she shows up at Social Services meetings to collect her checks. 

Caleb notes that there’s a big difference between “Eat, Pray, Love” and “Drink, Snap, Slap.”

Hanna learns first hand that Caleb is telling the truth about his Evil Miss Hannigan from Annie-type Foster Mom, when she arrives at school, berating him for not making her look “good” at one of their meetings.  Thinking fast and rightly assuming that Evil Foster Mom knows precisely NOTHING about fashion, Hanna confronts Evil Foster Mom herself, claiming that if Momsy doesn’t promptly return to Caleb ALL the money she’s been basically stealing from him, Hanna’s mother, who works for the firm of Dolce, Gabbana and Leibowitz (ha ha ha) will sue the Walmart Clearance Rack pants off of her.

“I think I just pooped myself.”

Believe it or not, Caleb’s NotMom, though clearly clever enough to defraud the Foster Care System is also dumb enough to believe Hanna’s lame threat.  So, she promptly leaves Caleb a wad of cash before skipping town for good.  Recognizing that Hanna is clearly behind all this, Caleb ditches a night watching Goonies with Lucas . . .

Awww Lucas!  You really ARE Seth Cohen Reincarnated, aren’t you?

 . . . to spend some more time in Hanna’s kitchen eye f*&king her to pieces.  And for THIS, Hanna rewards HIM, by cleaning his teeth with her tongue.  Ahhhhh, Young Love!

Speaking of . . . well . . . slightly less Young Love . . .

Trouble in Ezria-land / Jason Makes His Move

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Aria and Fitzy are having a little Heart-to-Heart in his New Swanky College Professor Office, while Fitzy’s Poor Man’s Megan Fox and let’s face it, Megan Fox is already pretty Poor Man, herself ex-fiance lurks outside, sporting a major Puss Face.

Remember that awful movie, Jennifer’s Body, where Megan Fox . . . like ATE people?  That’s kind of what I imagine Jackie would like to do to Aria here . . .

Awkwardness ensues when Jackie starts flirtatiously calling Fitzy “Z,” and Fitzy responds by referring to Aria as “My Former Student Who I Occasionally Screw.”

Being the patient person she can sometimes be, Aria lets Fitzy off pretty easy for this relationship faux pas, by making him promise to start referring to her as his “friend” in the future.

With “friends” like these, who needs sex toys enemies?

Back at home, Aria gets a late-night visit from Facelift Jason, who, apparently found Aria’s Sociopathic Kleptomaniac brother lurking around his yard, in the middle of the night.  Facelift Jason SAYS that he doesn’t want to rat out Mike for stealing his stuff, because HE TOO, used to be a Very Bad Boy.  And yet, the way he ogles Aria (not to mention, lingers for WAY TOO LONG by the doorway, long after Mike is safely back inside the house)  makes me think that the REAL REASON that Facelift Jason didn’t rat out Aria’s brother, is because he wants to get into those Montgomery pink panties, STAT!

I have this theory that, in addition to being able to change his face and body at will, Facelift Jason also has X-ray Vision.  (“The better to see what color bra you are wearing, My Dear Aria.”)

Later, in an intense discussion with Devil Boy Mike, Aria learns that HE is the one that is probably “A” has been stealing camping gear, and other assorted supplies from houses throughout the neighborhood . . . just for fun.

Geez DUDE!  You and Melissa should join the Evil Siblings Brigade!

Devil Boy is ALSO responsible for doing THIS to Aria, a few episodes back (while he was busy raiding Spencer’s house, of course) . . .

Nothing is sweeter than Brotherly LOVE!

At Ian’s funeral, Aria is pleasantly surprised when Fitzy arrives there to support her in her hour of need . . .

However, that happiness quickly sours, when Fitzy, upon being confronted by Aria’s parents, wimps out, and says he’s there to support “all his students.”  (LAME!) 

Oooh!  You are SO in the Doghouse for that one, Fitzy!

Speaking of the funeral, I found the image of the four PLL girls standing front and center in front of the coffin, with not entirely solemn looks on their faces to be highly reminiscent of the PLL poster that ABC Family put out in early Season 1, as well as the show’s opening sequence.  A very cool little parallel, Production Department!  Kudos for this!

During the services, Aria spots a rather contrite-looking Facelift Jason sitting off to the side, and mentions his presence to Emily.

“I am so friggin high, I have no idea how I got here . . .”

With an attitude highly reminiscent of the judgy snarkiness Spencer used to use to describe Abs Toby, back in Season 1, Emily angrily calls Facelift Jason A FREAK!  And it, honestly, seems really out of character for Emily, especially since she was the FIRST of the PLL girls to trust Toby, back when everyone else was calling HIM a freak . . .

Then again, those Abs ARE freakishly sexy!

I was momentarily confused by this.  But then I remembered that this week Emily is Spencer!Emily.  So, I decided to let it go . . .

“Oh, shut up and go back into your OWN body, SPENCER!”

After the services, Aria gives Fitzy ONE LAST CHANCE to make things right between them, by admitting to him that all she wants is ONE SINGLE ITTY BITTY HUG from him right now.  I actually think this was a fairly REASONABLE request on Aria’s part.  After all, EVERYONE HUGS at funerals.  It’s not exactly a gesture that screams Illicit Affair.  And besides, Fitzy had to notice how vulnerable Aria was in that moment.  But . .  . HE WIMPED OUT ANYWAY, rushing away from the scene as fast as his little pasty white legs could carry him . . .

“SAYONARA SUCKA!”

So, partly to get revenge on Fitzy, and partly, because she was genuinely concerned for his well-being, Aria goes to sit next to Facelift Jason on the bench.

Now, as much as I tease Facelift Jason (and I don’t plan on stopping anytime soon), I must say that I think Drew Van Acker is actually a pretty darn talented actor.  (And it doesn’t hurt that he shares a major resemblance to Sasha Pieterse’s Ali)  This scene, in which Facelift Jason admitted to Aria, always having been jealous of Ali, and worrying that the wrong child in his family died, was oddly touching.  Lucy Hale was also stellar in this scene.  And the way she comforted Facelift Jason seemed really genuine to me.

During this exchange, we also learned that, up until Creepy Pedo Ian’s death, Facelift Jason always worried that HE killed Ali, since he was so stoned and drunk the night of her murder that he blacked out and doesn’t remember a thing.  What’s worse, “A” seemed to have left a note in his pocket on that fateful night . . .

Hey, isn’t that the name of a movie?

(Geez!  Imagine how disappointed Facelift Jason is going to be, when he finds out that Creepy Pedo Ian DIDN’T really kill Alison, and that he’s still a suspect.  Then again, by that point, he will probably be too busy sucking face with Aria to care.)

Speaking of the Dead Guy . . .

It’s SNUFF FILM TIME!

Remember earlier on in this recap, when I said that Spencer!Emily has one more Sleuthing Trick up her sleeve?  Well, here it is!  Upon getting a message and a map from A, connecting Ian’s coffin to Ali’s, Emily decides to take the rest of the PLL’s on a fun little cemetery field trip.  When they get to Ali’s grave, that old porn video that supposedly showed Ian having sex with killing Alison plays from a projector somewhere in the midst . . . except, NOW the video is unedited.  And NOW it shows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Creepy Pedo DID NOT kill Ali! 

The question, of course, is WHO DID?  And why did “A” seemingly trick the girls into thinking Ian was the killer?  As the episode draws to a close, we see a dark (kind of short?) figure emerge from the darkness, carrying a video projector.   The ominscient “A” has struck again!

So, my Pretties!  I turn this episode over to YOU.  What did you think?  Any guesses now as to who “A” is?  How about Ali’s killer?  Do you hate Melissa and Mike as much as I do?  Are you Team Ezria or Team Jaria?  And, most importantly, when do you think Dr. Wren and Abs Toby are coming back?

See ya next week!

(P.S.  Special  thanks to THIS AMAZING WEBSITE for all the spectacular screencaps you see here!)

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Old Habits Die Hard (But Creepers Die Harder) – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Blind Dates”

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Doctor Wren has officially won the award for Person I Would Most Want to Be Hugging, When I Learned that My Sister’s Creepo Fiance (Who I Thought Was Already Dead) May Have Offed Himself for Killing My Best Friend.  Congratulations, Dr. Wren!  Come and claim your prize!  (It’s ME!)

Welcome back, My Pretties!  The title of this episode is actually pretty fitting, in that the hour was all about “flying blind,” and venturing into unknown territory . . .   And yet, I must say that, given the title, it was a bit strange that ONE particular character did not appear at all . . .

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“HELLO . . . the episode is called BLIND Dates . . .  I’m BLIND Jenna.  Like, DUH!”

In addition to lacking the unique creepiness of Blind Jenna, “Blind Dates” also: got us up close and personal with my FAVORITE PLL BOY IN THE WORLD . . .

“I’m right here, Baby!”

 . . . showed us how Facelift Jason’s body has changed since the “operation” . .  .

 

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. . . treated us to a free therapy session . . .

“I”m listening.”

 . . . and taught us just how much Zombie Creepy Pedo Ian likes (his own) BRAAAAAAAAIIIINNS!

So, what are we waiting for?   Let’s go on some “Blind Dates!”

Guard your Pawn (and other things I’ve learned from Pretty Little Liars)

“You are a LIAR!  I am SO reporting you to the Shady Pawnbroker’s Association of America.”

Those of us who were a bit scandalized by Spencer’s surprisingly cold decision to pawn off her own sister’s wedding ring for cash to buy her boyfriend a car, were probably a bit relieved to know that she at least PLANNED to buy it back, shortly thereafter.  Now, don’t ask me HOW Spencer got the money to do that so quickly. 

Pretty Little Escort Service?

It doesn’t really matter, anyway.  Because, as we recall from last week, Gloved Hand SOMEHOW convinced the pawnbroker that Spencer was lying about ownership of the ring.  And then, HE OR SHE took it off the pawnbroker’s hands.  How Gloved Hand was able to do that remains a mystery.  Did this person have, by chance, a receipt for the original ring’s purchase?  Did he or she simply pay the guy off?  Or is “A,” by chance, a vampire with strange compulsion powers, who can make people do his or her evil bidding, without argument?

Whatever the reason, when Spencer returns to the pawn shop, Shady Pawn Broker Dude ends up giving her the MOST EXPENSIVE RUSTY HORSESHOE EVER MADE, claiming never to have seen the ring AT ALL!  (Remember the horseshoe, as it will be important later.)

Outside in Shadytown, the PLL girls are admiring a literary reference from The Great Gatsby .  . .

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Don’t you love when PLL rewards you for being a nerd? 🙂

Not only are the watchful eyes in the billboard, a take off on the book’s cover, the creepy advertisement itself comes right out of a passage from the famous novel, which, if I recall, the girls read in Mr. Fitz’s class, a few episodes back.

Spencer rushes outside, making her Spencer Face, and having a hissy fit about the loss of her sister’s ring.

“Hmmm . . . maybe if I pawn Toby’s car, I can get the ring back.”

The girls comfort her briefly, before rushing home to pretend they HAVEN’T been “secretly” hanging out with one another every second of the day, against their lame therapist’s wishes.

As they are leaving, they all get yet another text from “A.”  Something about diamonds being a girl’s best friend.

Hey Aria’s Mom . . . ever hear of the term absence makes the heart grow fonder?  I didn’t think so . . .

So, let me get this straight.  In the matter of about a week, Aria’s mom has gone from living elsewhere, to boinking her husband in secret, to moving back home, to TEACHING ARIA’S ENGLISH CLASS?  Talk about too close for comfort!

I guess Aria will have to find another way to get “extra credit” now.

I don’t know.  I just find it strange that out of ALL the classes Mama Montgomery could teach at school, the administration decides to give her ARIA’S English class.  Granted, Fitzy had recently vacated the position.  But still . . . couldn’t the school have shuffled the faculty around a bit, to prevent this inevitable awkwardness from happening?  Just sayin’ . . .

Now, Mom seems to always be on poor Aria’s ASS, 24-7 . . . telling her not to hang out with her PLL friends EVEN on school grounds, forcing her to meet up with her bratty little brother after school to “give him the keys,” giving her dating advice.  Seriously!  It’s enough to make a girl want to rebel, by screwing a guy seven years her senior. 😉

Speaking of Bratty Little Brother . . .

Aria Gets Blackmailed . . . Reminisces About Her “Goth” Days

 “Look at me  .  . . looking all angsty, and BAD ASS with my pink hair, and my chains, and my medium-sized cup of fat free frozen yogurt with sprinkles . . .”

Aria is on a mission to rescue Bratty Little Brother Mike from The Darkside.  After all, she knows what it’s like to be there.  Back when Aria had (gasp) PINK HAIR she was SUPER “dark.”  So, when Aria heads to find her Bratty Little Brother on the basketball court, and learns he HASN’T PLAYED IN MONTHS . . .

 .  . . Aria is suspicious.  And yet, she is not quite suspicious enough that she feels she doesn’t have time to flirt with a Shirtless Facelift Jason, who, apparently, still plays basketball with high school kids, despite having graduated quite some time ago.  LAME!

Here’s the thing about Facelift Jason.  He has a great body, certainly.  (The comb-over hairstyle could use a bit of work though.)  But he definitely seems like one of those guys who’s forever stuck in the past. 

Forget for a moment that he’s hanging out at the high school shooting hoops, when he should be . . . I don’t know . . . trying to find a REAL job.  Observe the way he compares himself to Aria’s younger brother, by telling Aria that HE TOO used to lie to his parents, and ditch his sister on multiple occasions to do VERY BAD THINGS.  Then, he “flatters” Aria, by telling her that he thinks the pink hair she had, back when she was 12 or 13, totally turned him on, despite the fact that he was probably about 18 at that time, and . . . well . . . that’s just creepy.

Aria doesn’t seem to mind too much though . . .

“Well . . . considering how expensive plastic surgery can be, I’m thinking Facelift Jason has more money than . . . say . . . a guy who teaches at Hollis.  Date HIM, and I can buy all the pink hairdye I want!”

Now, I know . . . I know . . .  there is supposed to be a GREATER age difference, between Aria and Fitzy, and Aria and Facelift Jason.  (This is part of the reason they made the casting change, in the first place.)  The DIFFERENCE, of course, is that Fitzy didn’t know Aria, back when she was in diapers, and Facelift Jason did.   You see what I’m getting at here?

When Aria arrives home, Bratty Little Brother surprises her, by acting all evil and shady. 

Bratty Little Brother basically blackmails Aria to keep a secret from their parents the fact that, for the past few months, he has been mutilating small woodland creatures, when he’s supposed to be practicing his jump shot.  He does this by threatening to tell Ma and Pa Montgomery that Aria has been hanging out with the PLL’ers, even though she promised not to do so.  (But, honestly, if these parents haven’t figured that out by now, they don’t deserve to procreate.)

Watching Bratty Little Brother “act out,” because his Dad screwed his assistant, and his parents were split up for all of two seconds, I couldn’t help but be reminded of another little brother, who similarly “acted out, did drugs, backtalked his Big Sis, and was generally “up to no good,” at the beginning of his television series . . .

(Coincidentally, I think Goth Jeremy and Goth Aria would make an ADORABLE couple.)

The difference, of course, is that Jeremy had a REALLY GOOD REASON to be angsty and pissed off at the world.  Both his parents DIED AT THE SAME TIME.  Let’s face it, that SUCKS THE BIG ONE. 

Douchebag-in-Training

I just have a bit of difficulty garnering sympathy for a kid, who comes from relatively wealthy, generally loving, parents (annoying as they may be) that are willing to put aside their differences, in order to provide stability for their teenage children.  I mean, teens rebel for all sorts of reasons.  It’s kind of a right of passage.  But for Bratty Little Brother to blame HIS rebellion his parents seems like a bit of a cop out to me.

That, being said, who knows?  Maybe he will end up being “A.”

Meanwhile, in Emilyville . . .

Why Samara is Officially My Favorite of Emily’s Girlfriends!

“Don’t worry, Emily!  I won’t accidentally leave my pot-filled bookbag at your house, so that my parents ship me off to de-gaying camp, or try to drown you in the pool, or start dating Boring Sean . . .”

Sometimes I wonder if Samara actually ATTENDS her school at all!  Because, as she mentioned to Emily, after her swim meet, she DOESN’T attend Rosewood prep.  And yet, I’ve seen her wandering around the school hallways more than PLL Significant Other Vortex Resident, Little Orphan Bitchy . . .

Samara wants to congratulate Emily on winning YET ANOTHER swim meet, which Emily seems to do at least once every episode.  She also wants to congratulate her on her acceptance to Danby.  The latter congratulations, of course, make Emily feel like crap.  After all, she just got a package from “Danby” . . .

Get it?  The “A” Team – Har de har har.

The fact that Emily’s mom is being all nice, and non-homophobic, for a change, just makes Emily feel even WORSE for lying to her.   Emily’s mom even goes so far as to invite Samara over for a Celebration Dinner, which Samara gratefully accepts. 

But still, Samara senses Emily’s discomfort with the whole situation, and asks her what’s up.  While, Emily can’t conceivably tell her new girlfriend that she is being stalked by some omnipotent creature named “A,” who won’t allow her family to move away to Texas, she IS honest with her, about the fact that SHE wrote the Danby scholarship / acceptance letter, not the swim team recruiter.  What I love about Samara is that she is completely unfazed by and nonjudgmental of her girlfriend’s confession.  Rather, she simply reassures her that everything will work itself out in the end.

Is it just me?  Or does Emily look like she’s wearing A LOT of makeup, for someone who supposedly just got out of a pool?

Unlike Emily’s two previous girlfriends, who were SOCIAL disasters around Emily’s parents (Remember Maya, and the “I thought you ate fish” Dinner from Hell?), Samara effortlessly charms Mama Fields, reminiscing with her about the unique joys of scrapbooking.  But Samara doesn’t REALLY prove her worth as a member of Team PLL, until she stops Emily from confessing about the letter.  “I told Emily she should wait until senior year to accept her offer from Danby.  Plenty of other scholarship offers will be made to her, between now and then.  So, she shouldn’t be too hasty in choosing a college.”  Samara says more or less!  (GENIUS!)

“Yep, I’m that good.”

Emily’s mom buys the load of bull poop Samara is selling, hook, line, and sinker.  And Emily, of course, though still nervous about her future, is beyond grateful.  (In other words, I’m thinking SOMEONE is going to be getting extremely lucky tonight! ;))

Hanna Experiments with Multiple Personality Disorder / Wins Award for Best Wingwoman EVER!

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Like most of the parents on PLL (with the exception of Spencer’s asshat favorite-playing parents), Hanna’s mom, who used to be the most dysfunctional mom on the block (sexying up detectives, stealing from old ladies, etc.), is trying her hand at “responsible parenting.”  She does this by demanding that her only daughter attend a private therapy session with Dr. Feel Bad herself, Anne Sullivan, so that she can “cope with the loss of Alison.”

“So, basically, now that you’ve required us all to have separate sessions with you, you get paid four times as much, right?  Clever!”

During the first session, Hanna says nothing.  She’s pissed off that she has to be there in the first place, and doesn’t want to give Dr. Feel Bad the satisfaction of hearing her pour her heart out.  Before Hanna leaves, however, Dr. Feel Bad makes a comment that sticks with her.  She tells Hanna that Hanna has not yet “let go” of Alison from her life, and that this has kept her from healing.

“That will be $250, please.”

At school, Hanna runs into Lucas, who is so nervous about his upcoming date with Danielle that he makes THIS face . . .

He kind of looks like a cartoon character here.  Am I right?

Lucas complains to Hanna that his nervousness has thrown him “completely off his game.” 

“Lucas, you don’t have any game,” Hanna remarks.

(Hey Hanna, that’s not true!  Lucas has plenty of game!  And besides, he’s SETH COHEN-Y!  And that makes him “stealth.”)

A freaked out Lucas threatens to cancel the date, if Hanna doesn’t come with him.  And since Hanna refuses to be a third wheel, he suggests she bring Caleb along.

In that case, I have a GREAT idea as to where the First Date should be!

I really do love the softer side that Lucas always seems to brings out of Hanna, whenever they are together.  She might not be traditionally attracted to him . . . yet.  But she definitely cares about him, in an almost maternal way.  And I can tell you first hand, that this kind of caring, can blossom into attraction, while you are looking in the other direction. 

I’m also enjoyed the unexpected bromance between seeming polar opposites Caleb and Lucas.  Some might argue that Caleb is only “pretending” to care about Lucas’ sex life, in order to get back Hanna’s panties.   But I choose to believe that the brotherly feelings Caleb has toward the guy who brought him back to Rosewood to “make Hanna happy” are genuine.

Where’s your food, Caleb?  Too lovesick to eat?  Or are you just afraid that putting certain things in your mouth will destroy your “street cred?”

What I do NOT buy, however, is Caleb’s blase “yeah, I guess I’ll do it,” attitude, when Hanna agrees to take Caleb with her on Lucas’ now-double date.  Inside, you just KNOW he is doing THIS . . .

On the date with Danielle, Lucas is every bit as awkward as Caleb and Hanna fear he will be.  And the fact that Hanna keeps hovering over the couple like a mommy, certainly doesn’t help matters.

“Aren’t we a bit old to have a chaperone?”

Maybe it’s just the Hanna/Lucas shipper in me, but I DO NOT LIKE Danielle, with her perma-b*tchface, and general lack of smileyness.  If I was on a date with Lucas, you could bet I would be smiling.  I mean, he’s a FUN GUY who wears COOL T-Shirts!  What’s not to like?

And yet, I DO like how Danielle seems to sense the unresolved sexual tension between Hanna and Lucas, in a way that the future couple themselves DOES NOT.  Danielle insists that Hanna “still” has the hots for Lucas, which is why she keeps staring at them, instead of paying attention to HER OWN date.  When Danielle goes to the bathroom, Lucas rushes to Caleb and Hanna, and tells them what Danielle said.  Things aren’t looking good for our fabulous foursome.  Until . . . Hanna gets an idea . . .

She tells Caleb to put his arm around Hanna, and act coupley with him.  Caleb gladly complies with the request.  And, when he does it, you can tell just how smitten with our Pretty Little Liar he truly has become . . .

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Hanna, of course, seems more interested in Lucas’ date, than she is in her own.  On one hand, she looks pleased as punch that her plan worked, smiling benevolently, as Danielle grabs Lucas’ hand.  And yet, there is a specific moment, in which Lucas and Hanna both look at one another, as each is fondling their respective date.  In that moment, something we haven’t seen before between these two is clearly evident . .  . jealousy.

After the date, Lucas stops by Hanna’s house to thank her for being so generous with her time and wingwoman abilities.  He tells her how far she has come from being Alison’s lapdog.  It’s a back-handed compliment, for sure.  But Hanna appreciates it, nonetheless.  And it gives her enough pause to make another appointment with Dr. Feel Bad . . .

“I’m going to be RICHHHHHH!”

Gosh, if therapy was even HALF as universally helpful, and fast-working as they make it seem on television, there would be NO mental illness in the world . . . well .  . . except maybe multiple personality disorder.  Within minutes of arriving in therapy, Hanna is having an in-depth conversation with an empty chair.  (Because THAT’S not crazy at all!)

Of course, SHE doesn’t see an empty chair.  Hanna sees Alison.  And, in her mind, Alison is answering her back, being just as snide and bitchy as she was, back when she was alive.

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“Alison you were the best friend I ever had, and that meant a lot to me .  . You meant a lot to me . .  But you were also the worst enemy I ever had.  And I cant believe it took me this long to realize that,” Hanna begins, all healthy and well-adjusted sounding (except for . . . you know .  . . the fact that she is TALKING TO A CHAIR).

Ghost Alison uses the very same tricks to attempt to keep Hanna under her thumb that REAL Alison used, back when she was alive.   She tells her that Hanna is only popular, because Alison made her so.  She tells her that all the PLL girls will eventually abandon her, and that she will become Hefty Hanna again.  And finally, like an emotionally abusive girlfriend, she tells Hanna that SHE is the only one who truly understands Hanna.

The only difference is that THIS time, Hanna isn’t listening.  “You are gone!  And I am SO over missing you!”  Hanna exclaims triumphantly.

And POOF . . . she’s cured!

Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for Dr. Feel Bad, who returns to the office in the evening, to find it completely ransacked.

The wall clock has been knocked off the wall.   And, if the time it was broken is any indication, the break-in happened at 6:05 p.m., just minutes after Hanna left Dr. Feel Bad’s office . . .

Clearly, this is “A’s” handiwork, as signified by the very A-like graffiti spray painted on Dr. Feel Bad’s wall.

The police investigating the break-in tell Dr. Feel Bad that there is no sign of forced entry, making Hanna look pretty guilty for the act.

And yet, us PLL fans know that “A” has broken into this office before to put Fitzy’s diploma on the wall.  There’s a good chance that he or she, at some point, stole and made a spare key to Dr. Feel Bad’s office.   “A” may have even been listening to Hanna’s breakthrough therapy session, which would have undoubtedly made the stalker unhappy about the control she was losing over one of her Pretty Little Liars.

The plot thickens . . .

WRENNNNNNN . .  . and Dead (possibly illiterate) Ian

“This sure beats hanging from a bell tower.”

Remember how I said Spencer’s parents suck this season?  How about when Spencer comes home and finds a note on her door from her Mom that says, “take care of your sister.”  Does this woman KNOW her own kids?  Because, if she did, she would realize that was pretty much an invitation to murder.  Just sayin . . .

Anywhoo . . . Detective Spencer is on the loose again.  Her investigation leader her to  . . . of all people . . . DR. WREN!

I love how Spencer is so territorial of the Hookup Buddy she hasn’t swapped spit with in WAY TOO LONG that she promptly dispatches of the Too Perky Looking Nurse walking at his side.  “Could you . . . like .  . . NOT BE HERE right now,” she tells Perkypants!

That’s right, WOMAN!  Get your candy-striping mitts off My Honey!

Spencer wants to know what sort of things Wren and Melissa have been up to these late nights.  Wren admits that he is giving drugs and medical supplies to his ex-fiance for HER husband.  “Ian tried to KILL ME!”  Spencer explains.

“Are you OK?”  Wren asks hilariously.

“No . . . I’m dead now, and you are talking to a ghost.  But thanks for asking,” replies Spencer.  (Sorry . . . that’s what I would have said to Wren after ripping off his clothing and having my way with him five times.)

*sigh*

Apparently, “Ian” told Melissa that he would only tell her his whereabouts, if she brought the drugs.  (Talk about a SWELL husband!  This one’s a keeper, Crazy Nanny Carrie!)  At first, Wren refuses to help Spencer find Ian, because he doesn’t want Spencer to get hurt.  “Everytime I get involved with you and your sister, people get hurt,” exclaims Wren.  (Well .  . . in their defense, Sexy . . . you WERE digging around both of their mouths for gold.)

Back at the Guest House, Detective Spencer snoops around, while Melissa is in the shower, and finds a bag packed with both men’s and women’s clothing, and Ian’s passport . . .

When Spencer is almost caught by Melissa, she hides behind a tree, and makes THAT FACE again . . .

Eventually, my Lover Boy reconsiders, and decides to help Spencer.  Cleverly, he calls Melissa, and tells her that he needs to see Ian immediately, as, based on the symptoms she described, he may have a Staph Infection.  Wren then calls Spencer, so that she and her pals can follow Wren and Melissa to Ian’s location.  It’s the barn.  (SURPRISE!)

Just outside, Spencer hears Melissa, scream.   So, she and the girls rush in.  Once there, they find Melissa in hysterics in Wren’s arms . . .

That’s when they see it . .  . Ian’s dead body.  He’s DEFINITELY DEAD this time!  There’s a gun right where he is positioned, and a bloody bullet wound in his head that may or may not be fresh.  On the wall of the barn, a horseshoe is missing . . . a horseshoe similar to the one Spencer picked up from the pawnshop.  (I smell a setup!)

From Julian Morris and Torrey Devitto to the PLL girls, the acting in this intense scene is flawless.  Everyone looks understandably horrified, by what they’ve found.  And, for me, the scene accomplished the impossible.  It made me feel sorry for Melissa!

But then, I caught sight of that ridiculous suicide note, and I knew that something was rotten in Rosewood.

Creepy Pedo Ian may have been a lot of things, but he WASN’T stupid, an over-achiever like Melissa wouldn’t have gotten involved, if he was.  And this letter looks and sounds like it was written by a 10-year old.  At least, that’s what I thought at first, until I read this ingenious post on IMDB, linking every line of this note, to a previous text or letter “A” sent the girls.   You can check it out for yourself here.

To me, it seems pretty obvious that Ian died in the Bell Tower, and that “A” has been the one texting back and forth with Melissa all this time.  I suspect that “A” was the one who wrote the suicide note, and shot, and already dead Ian, before stealing the horseshoe and exiting stage left.  Given all that, I’m not entirely sure Ian killed Alison.  To go through two-seasons of clues, only to reveal the solution to one of the show’s big mysteries in a suicide note, just seems like a cop out to me.  And I don’t think the writers of this show would want to do it that way.

Also, as I mentioned earlier, Ian’s “suicide” might not be viewed as a suicide for much longer, if Gloved Hand / A can help it.  Because, in addition to giving Spencer the Phantom Horshoe . . . in the final moments of the episode, he or she places Ian’s cell phone in Spencer’s purse.

I hope you look good in an orange jumpsuit, Spencer!  Because things aren’t looking so good for you right now . . .

See you next week, My Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

No Rest for the Wicked – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “My Name is Trouble”

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Welcome back, My Pretties!  It’s time to return to Rosewood, where all the girls look like supermodels, the boys rarely wear clothing, and “A” knows ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING!  This week, our favorite PLL girls got to show off their respective naughty sides.

But, unfortunately, not in a sexual context . . .

Having spent the majority of last season, watching the typically well-behaved (well, except for Hanna) fabulous foursome suffer as victims of A’s wrath, it was intriguing to see the tables turned, for a change.  Rather than being sinned against, in “My Name is Trouble,” all of our heroines took their shot at being the sinners. 

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Of course, they all did some nice things this week too.  It’s just a lot less interesting to talk about those . . . 

So, put on your devil horns, and leave your morals at the door, because it’s time to be BAD, PLL-style!

I Dream of Scream

HANNA:  “I hate getting stuck in your dreams, Spencer.  You always make us do lame things.  What kind of movie is this, anyway?  It looks older than my grandma!

SPENCER:  “It’s Jekyll and Hyde.  It’s supposed to be eerie and symbolic.”

HANNA: “Eerie and symbolic, my ass . .  . next time, take us out clubbing, or something.”

When the episode begins, our PLL girls are hanging out in the same movie theater where Emily takes all of her dates.  But rather than watching the old film they presumably came to see, the foursome are discussing Possibly Dead / Possibly a Zombie, Creepy Pedo Ian, and whether or not Facelift Jason and Spencer’s Sister Crazy Nanny Carrie Melissa are hiding him in Facelift Jason’s house.  (Fortunately, no one ever goes to this theater, aside from Emily and her girlfriends.  Otherwise, they’d probably get kicked out for talking during the film.) 

Hanna helpfully suggests that the girls strap a dog collar on Melissa that zaps her ass, whenever she leaves the yard.  And, even though I know she’s kidding, I still think it’s a spectacular idea.  Because if anyone deserves an ASS ZAPPING its Spencer’s poopyhead sister . . .

Then, suddenly, a big ole hole burns into the film that the girls were watching, and the Ghostface Killer from Scream pops out at them.

All the girls, understandably, freak out and wonder whether the theater will refund their money. over this VERY rude interruption of their conversation.  However, Aria, who recently DIED in a Scream film, is particularly disconcerted, by this recent turn of events.

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But don’t worry, kiddies!  It’s ALL A DREAM . . . Spencer’s dream, of course.  Sleeping Beauty herself is napping on the couch, when Sweet Sis Melissa barges in and starts groping Poor Spencer, under the guise of “looking for her wedding ring.”

“I understand that you are upset, but I promise you that your ring is NOT IN MY CROTCH!”

Melissa is just about to shake Spencer upside down, to see if the ring falls out of  her bra, when her phone vibrates.  It is Mystery Caller!  He (or she) needs to talk to Melissa in private.  But just in case Spencer didn’t know this was a Super Secret Conversation with a Super Secret Person, Melissa LOUDLY tells Mystery Caller that she must take the call upstairs, so that SPENCER CAN’T HEAR.  (Way to be subtle, SIS!)

“Check it out, Mystery Caller.   My Baby Sis is picking her nose.”

As Shady Melissa rushes up the stairs, Spencer watches after her, while making The Face . . .

That’s the ONE!

Meanwhile, over in Hanna-land . . .

Mama Marin Gives Good Advice (for once)

“Look at you, being all Wise and Materal.   This is another one of Spencer’s dreams, right?”

Downstairs in the Marin kitchen, Hanna awakens to find her mom and dad engaged in some SERIOUS eye f*&king.  Mama Marin laughs at something Papa le Douche says.  This is also part of the eye-f*&king, as Papa le Douche hasn’t said anything remotely humorous, since before Hanna was born . . .

*insert evil laughter here*

Papa le Douche is on this kick, where he wants to “spend time with his daughter” and “be a dad,” so he offers to drive Hanna to school.  “Ummm . . . no thanks.”  Hanna replies, feeling super awkward and uncomfortable.

“Well, THAT was super awkward and uncomfortable.”

After Papa le Douche exits stage left, Hanna calls out her mom for all the eye f*&king she’s been doing.  “What an Eye Slut you are?  Please wear an Eye Condom, next time, so I don’t have to worry about getting Eye Siblings.”  She warns.  (Now, we know the REAL reason Blind Jenna always wears glasses.)

In response, Mama Marin spouts her After School Special Lesson of the Day, “Just because someone hurt us once, doesn’t mean we have to permanently delete them from our phonebook  . . . Things change . . . people grow”  Translation?  *cough Stop Being Such a B*tch to Caleb cough*

Message sent . . . and received.

Later, at school, the PLL girls meet in the bathroom “in secret” for their Daily Pow Wow. 

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How many takes do you think it took for them to get THAT right?

The girls discuss what they’ve been doing since their nonexistent tumultuous therapist-induced Friendship Breakup of Two Weeks ago.  Aria has enrolled in a college class to stalk Fitzy keep Fitzy away from Jackie find other animals she can hide in her hair learn how to make pottery. 

“Don’t look now, Aria.  But I think a bird died in your hair.”

This is actually a surprising choice for Aria, considering that, up to this point, she has expressed positively NO interest in ceramics, and a lot of interest in WRITING.  Given all that, wouldn’t it make sense for her to take a creative writing course, instead?

Spencer has been keeping HERSELF busy playing field hockey, fonding Abs Toby, and stalking her sister.  And Emily has been packing for the move we all know she ISN’T going to end up going through with, while NOT watching movies with temporary new girlfriend, Samara. 

Of all the girls, Hanna has taken the breakup the worst.  So bored is Hanna, that she has resorted to stealing hand lotions from the makeup counter again.  FOR SHAME! 

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Is it any wonder that Hanna, in her extremely vulnerable state, takes one look at Lucas in his adorable “Nerds love Apple Pie” t-shirt, and immediately wants to jump his adorkable bones re-friend him on Facebook.

“Face it, I’m the only guy on this show who actually gets attention for WEARING clothes.”

By the way, did you know that Lucas and Caleb are now living together?  This is going to save Hanna SO MUCH gas money, when she inevitably starts having sex with them both (sometimes AT THE SAME TIME).  It’s a recession economy, after all. 

Hanna asks Lucas to hang out with her.  And even though she’s broken his heart 1,000 times over, he takes pity on her shrink-sanctioned PLL-lessness, and invites her to yearbook club, after school.    While ostensibly working on the yearbook, matchmaker Hanna can’t help but notice that her future lover the same guy who used to sneak into the hospital to kiss her forehead is now ogling the chick that puts together the Appendix Section of the yearbook.  (You GO Lucas!  Way to make her jealous!)

“Don’t even TRY to fight it.  You will be mine by Episode 12.”

Hanna encourages Lucas to make a go of it with Index Chick.  However, Lucas isn’t exactly feeling up for the challenge.  “You, of all people know my batting average, Hanna,” Lucas remarks.

Oh yeah, HE WENT THERE!

“I’m so good at girl-getting, I should write a book.”

Now, Lucas has Hanna feeling BOTH subconsciously jealous that he has moved on to another honey, AND super guilty for how she treated him in the past.  (Current Score:  Lucas: 2, Hanna: 0)  So, Hanna approaches Index Chick (her name is “Danielle” by the way),  and pulls the classic Romantic Comedy Film Move, by basically pretending Lucas is this Massively Popular Ladies Man, to whom she, herself, is attracted (Well, half of that is true.), in order to spark Danielle’s interest. 

The plan works, flawlessly.  And the Nerd Who Loves Apple Pie scores a supposedly-coveted date with Index Chick, even though we all KNOW his heart has never really left Hanna’s pocket.  Later, a bewildered Lucas approaches Hanna, wondering why she went through all this trouble to try and get him laid by someone other than herself.  Echoing her mother’s earlier words, Hanna remarks that she doesn’t want to be judged the rest of her life for her biggest mistakes.  “People change,” she explains.  “They grow.”

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And that, my friends, was how the student became the teacher.  (It was also Lucas’ triumphant first step toward FINALLY getting inside the Marin Pantalones.)

But lest you think that Hanna has grown up SO MUCH, that she’s not fun anymore, wait until you see what she does at the end of the episode!  You see, Hanna has overheard Papa le Douche fighting with his new fiance about their upcoming nuptials.  She’s also been watching her mother flirt with her dad, like nobody’s business.  And so when Hanna finds an unread text message to her dad from the fiance, apologizing, and expressing her undying devotion to him, she . . . DELETES IT FROM HIS PHONE!

Oh, Hanna, you naughty, naughty girl!  Something tells me THAT decision is going to bite you in the ass BIG TIME, in the not-too-distant future.  Hopefully, by then you will be too busy screwing Lucas and/or Caleb to care.

Speaking of screwed . . .

Swimming with the fishes (and the forgers)

Now that “A” trashed Emily’s harddrive, she’s forced to (gasp) actually use PAPER AND PENCIL, when trying to communicate.   How utterly barbaric!

If you recall, last week, Emily tried desperately to get the Dartmouth Danbury Swim Team recruiter to give her a letter of guaranteed admission / scholarship to the college, so that she wouldn’t have to move to Texas . . . a Dreaded Red State.  The problem, of course, was that all the recruiter was willing to give Emily was a “Maybe” letter, which she knew wasn’t going to be good enough to keep her mom in Rosewood.  So, being the idiot optimistic, and forward thinker that she is, Emily decides to FORGE a more forceful recruitment letter on her own.

Later, in the school parking lot, Emily shows Aria and Hanna her handiwork . . .

“Ummm . . . Emily, I doubt that the college recruiter draws hearts over his ‘i’s” and signs his name with a happy face.”

Aria thinks the whole thing is a terrible idea, and that Emily will undoubtedly get caught.  Hanna, however, thinks Emily is an ABSOLUTE EVIL GENIUS, and is SUPER PROUD of her bestie, for being so deliciously underhanded.

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Umm . . . I hate to break it to you Hanna, but the only way YOU are getting into Harvard, is if your mom f*&ks the Dean, on your behalf .  . . On second thought, welcome to the Ivy Leagues, Hanna!

Back at the Fields house, Emily shares an unusually sweet heart-to-heart with her mother.  Apparently, while packing Mrs. Fields (just like the cookies!) has come across some of Emily’s childhood things, and these have caused her to become unusually nostalgic.

“Aww!  Your first diaper is in this box.  Here, smell it!”

In the most welcome Personality Transplant, since Creepy Toby first took off his shirt (and we all suddenly decided he was charming) former Evil Homophobe Mama Fields apologizes to Emily for the pain she must have endured, while having to hide her sexuality from her family.  Emily is touched by her mother’s words, and the two embrace. The exchange ultimately prompts Emily to rip up the faux Dartmouth Danby Promise Letter, and toss it in the trash can.  In hindsight, she probably should have used a shredder . . .

The next day, an excited Emily’s mom comes to her daughter’s room with a letter in her hand.  SURPRISE!  Its from Emily Danby, promising Emily admission to the college, using the EXACT same unbelievably phony words Emily had originally written in her OWN letter.  Understandably freaked out, the  minute her mom leaves the room, Emily starts frantically rummaging through her trashcan to find the original letter fragments. 

They are no where to be found. 

“Wait . .. someone TAPED the letter together, and recopied it?  This “A” sure must have A LOT of time on her hands.”

Having anticipated Emily’s dumpster dive, “A” cleverly left HER OWN little message in Emily’s trashcan, for her to find.  It looked a little something like THIS . . .

Congratulations, PLL, you’ve just cooked up the most bizarrely contrived way possible to keep Emily on the show.  The twenty or so aspiring actresses destined to be cast as her future girlfriends, thank you from the bottom of their heart.  😉

Speaking of contrived encounters . . .

Peekaboo, I see you . . . oh, wait . . . no I don’t

Forget the Opening Dream Sequence.  This is the most frightening animated GIF I have ever laid eyes on!

Over at Hollis College, Fitzy and Aria are engaged in some intense PDA, simply BECAUSE THEY CAN BE! 

This is Fitzy coming up for air, after spending an hour attached to Aria’s tongue . . .

But as we all know, on THIS show, NOBODY gets to makeout in peace.  SOMEONE always has to be watching.  This time, that someone is Fitzy’s VERY PISSY Ex Fiance / Fellow Teacher at Hollis / Facebook Friend, Jackie Molina . . .

Jackie Molina has just updated her Facebook status to: “Researching ways to murder diminutive high school students. . .” /  Jackie has accepted a friend request from “A.”

In pottery class, Aria nearly poops herself, when she finds a a grinning Blind Jenna seated at the pottery wheel, leering at her with supposedly unseeing eyes . . .

“Do you like the piece I’m sculpting?  I call it Toby’s Weiner.”

When the professor asks Aria’s name, she hesitates and says its “Anita.”  I’m guessing “Anita” wasn’t on the class roster, but the professor didn’t seem to care too much.  It’s nice to know that at the “prestigious” Hollis university, you could basically just show up at any class, offer a fake name, and take it for free.  Imagine how much money you would save on getting an education!

 

Hmmm . . . now that I think about it, I probably should have deepened my voice, and used a man’s name, like Aaron.  That would have really thrown off Blind Jenna.

Back at Fitzy’s house, he and Aria, are engaged in a little post-coital Blind Jenna talk.

Why the abundance of clothing, Fitzy?  Don’t you remember what show you are on?

Fitzy wants Aria to play nice with Blind Jenna, and become her friend, despite the fact that she’s a Creepy Brother F*&ker, who paid a guy to seduce her best friend in order to obtain information about her.  Their conversation reminded me of a similar one the pair had last year, in which Fitzy became obsessed with what a fabulous WRITER Blind Jenna was.  So, let me get this straight, Aria and Blind Jenna are BOTH writers, they both love pottery, AND they are both taking courses at Hollis?

Is Blind Jenna, like Aria’s Evil Twin, or something?

You have to admit, there’s a resemblance there . . .

The next day, at pottery class, Aria has a close call when Jenna trips, and the professor asks “Anita” to help her.  Fortunately, some dude, who’s probably dumb enough to be attracted to Blind Jenna offers to help instead.  And yet, Aria, who isn’t exactly the sharpest tool in the shed, decides to stay after class, even though SHE AND BLIND JENNA are the only ones left in there.

Not surprisingly, Blind Jenna once again asks “Anita” for help.  Except now, there’s no horny boy to take Aria’s place.  At Jenna’s request, Aria places a light inside BJ’s ceramic bowl, and puts it on a nearby turntable . . .

Who knew pottery class could be so darn emotional?  Suddenly, Jenna is getting all weepy, remembering the good old days before Aria and co. lit a firecracker in her house while she was raping Abs Toby, blinding her for life when she used to be able to see.  This, of course, makes Aria feel like crap, and probably wish she was at home fondling Fitzy’s naked stomach, instead of Blind Jenna’s ugly ass bowl . . .

Step aside Michaelangelo’s “David” . . . this is Aria’s “Fitzy”

Blind Jenna then starts randomly describing how lights reflected off the water, when she used to go swimming.  She then asks “Anita” to describe for Blind Jenna what her pottery looks like.  Aria basically repeats exactly what Blind Jenna said, “Uhhhh . . . yeah . . . it looks like you swimming . . . or something.”

Recognizing Aria’s voice, Blind Jenna angrily demands that she blow out the candle, leaving the pair alone together in the dark of an empty classroom.  Aria reluctantly complies . . .

Then THIS happens . . .

Just KIDDING!  She’s fine, guys  . . . Blind Jenna didn’t end up killing her . . . yet.

You know who’s LESS than fine though . . . Spencer.

“If you like it, than you should have put a ring on it.”

You GO, Abs Toby!  Shake that ass!

For someone who’s “just getting his GED,” Abs Toby sure shows up at the high school often.  Fortunately, for him, however, Spencer doesn’t seem to mind too much . . .

“This sure beats making out with Blind Jenna.”

Spencer wants Toby to have coffee with her in between classes.   (Really, Spencer?  You have enough time in between classes to have coffee?  What kind of high school is this?)  Unfortunately, Toby is heading off for his weekly excuse to be half naked new job doing yardwork at Facelift Jason’s house. 

Spencer NO LIKEY!  She doesn’t trust Facelift Jason ONE BIT (partly, because she can no longer recognize his face saw the movie Face Off, and it gave her nightmares).

Spencer begs Toby to get a job working for someone who ISN’T possibly a deranged killer.  He’d love to do so, except for the fact that all the people in town who AREN’T deranged killers, think that TOBY killed Facelift Jason’s sister, Alison.  And, therefore, won’t hire him.  He WAS offered a job in Yardley, however, he has no car, and plans to use the cash he gets from Facelift Jason to pay for the used junker he found in the paper.

“Be careful, Toby!  He already stole someone else’s face, hair, clothing, personality and HOME.  He might steal your ABS, if you aren’t careful.”

Later that day, Snoopy Spencer arrives at Facelift Jason’s house, directly after Field Hockey practice, to ogle her hot shirtless and sweaty boyfriend.   But, instead, she finds a not quite shirtless, but still hot and sweaty, Facelift Jason . . .

Though Facelift Jason tries to distract Spencer with his mesmerizing arms of steel, and obnoxiously perfect hair, a wily Spencer still notices someone moving behind the curtains in Facelift Jason’s home, even though he SWEARS no one else is living there but him.  Who IS this mystery person?  Is it Possibly Dead / Possibly a Zombie Creepy Pedo Ian?

Is it Melissa?

Is it Maya, escaped from the PLL Lost Love Interest Vortex?

Perhaps, it could even be Jason 1.0 . . .

Spencer is confused, and freaked out by this development.  And you know what THAT means.  That’s right, my Pretties.  IT’S TIME FOR ANOTHER ALI FLASHBACK!

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Spencer and Emily are having a sleepover at Spencer’s house, and complaining about how loud Stoner Jason and his pothead friends are partying next door, when a tearful Ali crashes their party.  She HATES Jason, and can’t wait to rat him out to his grandparents, so they cut him out of their will.  At first, Ali seems her usual, confident, bitchy self, but when she approaches the sink, we can see that she’s been crying.  SOMETHING BAD HAPPENED AT THAT PARTY .  . . POSSIBLY VERY BAD . . . and Jason may have had something to do with it.  Ali, eventually shrugs off her rare show of vulnerability, commenting on the poor quality of Spencer’s apples (huh?) 

However, Spencer knows something is UP, as is evidenced by the return of Spencer Face . . .

Now, TOTALLY freaked out, an unusually needy an paranoid Spencer begs her AWFUL sister to stay with her, and protect her from the things that go bump in the night, like she used to back when they were kids.

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Poor Spencer, she’s still naive enough to believe her sister is still a human being, and not the Evil Alien from Planet B*tch, she obviously become.  Melissa icily deflects Spencer’s rare attempt at sisterly bonding, threatening her sister NOT to make her choose between her own flesh and blood and the creepy, probably dead, pedophile she married.  The obvious, implication of her words being that she would choose the Pedo, ANYDAY (and twice on Sunday).

So, of course, this is the perfect time for Spencer to find Melissa’s missing wedding ring, which, as it turns out, has been conveniently hiding behind the toaster this whole time!

That’s OK Fitz . . .  I thought it was pretty hilarious too!

Positively INCAPABLE of leaving well enough alone, Stalker Spencer heads to Facelift Jason’s house after school AGAIN.  This time, she is rewarded for her dilligence, and actually DOES find Shirtless and Sweaty Abs Toby there.

OH HELL YES!

Facelift Jason’s there too, and he conveniently mistakes Spencer for Melissa.  When asked about why, he tells her that she’s been sucking his weiner  helping him bury Creepy Pedo Ian’s body  performing pagan rituals involving human sacrifices “bringing him misdelivered mail.”  As if all this wasn’t suspcious enough, Facelift Jason “accidentally” allows one of his garbage bags to open on the floor in front of Spencer and Abs Toby. 

Hot Damn!  That’s a lot of BLOOD and CHINESE FOOD for one person.  “I cut myself when I was ripping off my old face, and putting on this new one,” mumbles Facelift Jason  (Note to Facelift Jason:  Learn how to lie better.)

Now, comes the part in the story when Spencer does the most AWFUL thing we have seen her do, since the beginning of the series.  SHE PAWNS HER OWN SISTER’S WEDDING RING TO GET MONEY TO BUY TOBY HIS CAR!

Now, granted, I don’t like Melissa either.  She’s a GENUINELY AWFUL PERSON.  Plus, I’m pretty sure she has something to do with “A” and/or Ali’s death.  But this is just WRONG with a capital “WRON.”  Now, of course, Spencer planned to somehow buy back the ring, shortly after giving Toby his new/old car for the Yardley job.  But still . . . it seems an unusually cold move for Spencer to make, not to mention STUPID.

I don’t want to be around when Melissa finds out.

So, of course, we all know it’s going to come back to bite her in the butt, don’t we?  Not surprisingly, the last scene of the episode features the infamous GLOVED HAND buying back the ring from the pawn shop. 

No glove, NO LOVE, Spencer!  I hope you’ve invested in some good life insurance . . .

Oh . . . and I almost forgot to mention the best part . . . MY WREN’ is FINALLY BACK!

On one of their weekly Stakeouts in the Bushes, our PLL girls found My Future Husband, clad in sexy scrubs, meeting Melissa, late at night, and delivering to her VERY LARGE quantities of drugs (For whom?  Ian?  Melissa herself?  Facelift Jason?)

My sentiments exactly, Spencer!  That’s one fine piece of meat!

And, on that note, I bring my recap to an end.  But feel free to check out THIS promo for next week’s PLL installment, which promises, among other things, MORE Wren (Yesssssssss!  YIPPEE!), a COMPLETELY shirtless Facelift Jason (Oh, he’ll get along in Rosewood just fine), and the return of  .  . . Dead Alison?

That’s right, my Pretties!  Things are getting GOOD!  See you next week!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

The Body Snatchers – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “The Goodbye Look”

EMILY:  “Wow!  You know, for cafeteria food, this stuff doesn’t actually look half bad.”

HANNA: “True, but don’t forget what show this is.  With our luck, ‘A’ probably miraculously poisoned all those fruit plates before we arrived, without anyone seeing her or him do it.”

SPENCER: “Yeah, and as soon as one of us eats one, and falls down dead dead, she’ll text the rest of us with something SUPER cheesy, like ‘Beware of lunch ladies bearing poison apple slices – A.”’

ARIA: [Falls to the floor, unconscious.]

HANNA: “See what I mean?”

SPENCER, HANNA and EMILY: [Sigh and wait for their cell phones to ring.]

Welcome back, my Pretties!  This week’s Pretty Little installment was all about that oh-so-frightening prospect we all must face, at some point in our lives . . .  The Future. 

Therefore, it was fitting that, during the course of the episiode, each character made a choice that would undoubtedly affect their own future on the show.  Admittedly, “The Goodbye Look” wasn’t exactly what you would consider an “action-packed” PLL episode.  For starters, unlike last week’s groundbreaking Fitzy’s Bod Extravaganza, it contained NO shirtlessness, whatsoever.

While we are on the subject of what wasn’t in the episode, there was also no adorable Lucas, mysterious Caleb, or British studmuffin, Wren . . .

He’s coming back NEXT week, though!  *does dance of joy!*

But hey!  That doesn’t mean the episode was a TOTAL loss.  After all, it did introduce to me a mystery that I will undoubtedly ponder between now and the end of time.  Namely, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO JASON DILAURENTIS’ FACE?

“The world may never know!”

Let’s get on with the recap, shall we?

(Once again, the Awesome Screenshots from this Recap were provided by THIS KICKASS WEBSITE.  Thanks guys!)

Zombies Don’t Text (But, apparently, they can take out the trash just fine!).

This week’s PLL installment continued last week’s tradition of starting precisely where the previous episode left off.  The girls have just learned that Spencer’s sister, Melissa, may or may not be in cell phone contact with Creepy Pedo Zombie Ian, and they are PRETTY F*&KING FREAKED OUT ABOUT IT . . .

Can you blame them?

Hanna tries to analyze the situation from a “rational” perspective, something that doesn’t often go over particularly well on this show.  “Zombies DON’T text,” she explains.

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Another PLL’er (though I can’t recall who) suggests going to the cops with this new information.  “Yes, because that has gone so well for us, so far,” snarks Spencer.  And SHE would know.  She’s had the worst luck with policemen of ALL the PLL girls.  Then again, NO ONE has had as bad luck for the cops as her boyfriend,  Abs Toby.

“Hmm . . .  I wonder if my body would look this good if it was stuffed in an orange prison jumpsuit.”

Ultimately, the girls decide to stay away from the cops.  Rather, Spencer will use her super sleuthing skills, and Trademark Investigation Face . . .

 . . . to ascertain precisely how much Melissa REALLY knows about Ian’s whereabouts and mortality situation.

The girls’ discussion is quickly interrupted, when they start hearing strange noises coming from the roof of the greenhouse.

Well, OF COURSE, ‘A’ is hanging out on the ceiling watching them.  I mean, why not?  What else could she possibly be doing in the middle of the night?  Note to A:  There are WAY better ways to cure insomnia than stalking teenage girls.  Might I suggest Tent Sex, for example . . .

 . . . or dancing . . .

Our PLL’s quickly bolt from the scene.  On the way home, they find Facelift Jason skulking around Maya’s house, which, of course, used to be HIS and Ali’s house, back when the two were growing up.  As we learned last week from Blind Jenna and Police Boy Garrett, Ali’s older brother has somehow managed to convince Maya’s family to let him stay at the house, while Maya, herself, is away at De-Gaying Camp.  And what’s his first order of business in the home, you ask?  Well, to toss out all Dead Ali’s CRAP, of course!

“Thanks for the Box of Clues, Facelift Jason!  Now, I finally know who ‘A” is!”

Now, I know that the PLL girls, and, I suspect, some viewers, found Jason’s action of haphazardly tossing his sister’s things out with the morning trash insensitive and suspicious.  And yet, I find it more maudlin that Maya’s family would choose to hang on to that stuff, in the first place.  I mean, it’s bad enough to move into a home not too far away from where its previous inhabitant suffered a violent end.  But to KEEP the Dead Girl’s stuff, because you “can’t bear to throw it away?”  That’s just bizarre.

 Parents Just Don’t Understand

Hanna seems to be gaining a bit of ground with her Mom, regarding the whole “My therapist said I can’t have friends” thing.  After all, as Hanna says, if Mom doesn’t believe in therapy, why should SHE?  Where Hanna is making less progress is on the issue of her “darling Dad,” who seems to only make reappearances in her life, when she is in trouble with the law . . . like now.  Other than that, Dad’s idea of showing fatherly concern seems to consists of sending Hanna and her mom plants . . . that DIE.  But Mom’s a bit lonely now that Deputy Douchey has left town.  Remember him . . .

. . . so she’s willing to overlook Hanna’s remarried dad’s flaws, provided there exists an opportunity that papa might wind his way back into Mama Marin’s pink pantalones. 

Poor Hanna!  She’d have more luck being parented by a PLANT, than she would by these two.

Over at the Fields’ household, Emily’s homophobic mom thinks the therapist’s idea of separating Emily from all her friends is a FABULOUS one.  (Why?   Does she think this will somehow make her straight?)  She decides that Emily should leave her cell phone on the kitchen table, and make all her phone calls THERE, where Mom can overhear every word. 

Speaking of “great news” (she said, sarcastically), Emily’s mom also informs Emily that their house has been rented.  It’s moving time!

Emily storms upstairs and learns that, SURPRISE, her entire laptop has been erased, because she was an A$$HAT, and left it on in her room, for all potential “renters” of her home, and “A” to see.  Remember THIS little scene from last week, during which Gloved Hand person worked his evil magic on Emily’s deepest darkest snuff born videos, and Ian-related secrets?

Ahhh memories!

Emily calls Spencer to fill her in on the bad news.  Spencer would probably very much like to tell Emily that she is dumber than dog sh*t.  However, since Spencer made a SIMILAR mistake with HER laptop last season, she acts sympathetic.  Besides, Spencer has her own problems. 

Melissa has just arrived home from her sonogram appointment, and plans to spend the next few days on the couch doing nothing, which, if you think about it, has more or less been what she’s done since about the fourth episode on this show.  The problem now is that Spencer wants to snoop through Melisssa’s stuff to figure out whether she knows more about Ian’s whereabouts than she lets on.  And if Melissa’s lazy ass is on the couch all day, sniffing through her personal belogings will be VERY difficult!

“Damn you, Lazy Pregnant Lady!  Damn YOU!”

Aria Gets a New Nickname.  Fitzy Stays in the Dog House . . . for now

Back at school, Fitzy makes a lame excuse to pull Aria into his classroom alone AGAIN.  It’s a good thing Fitzy is leaving Rosewood Prep  Because he is getting SO MUCH worse worse at keeping his private Sex with a Student Business a secret.  Then again, maybe he’s just the kind of teacher who LOVES to give extra credit assignments to his most promising students. 😉

And Aria is simply more “promising’ than all the rest.

Fitzy takes this “extra credit” opportunity to not-so-subtly remind Aria that Friday is his last day as her teacher.  In other words, Aria, the Fitzy Love Train is leaving the station!  Better get aboard, or its going to pass you by, directly en route to Jackie Town!

Aria understands the insinuation her (ex?) is making, and doesn’t appreciate it.  “Thanks for the warning,” she says in a voice tinged with sarcasm, and a smidgeon of hidden longing.

“Why do I feel like you are picking apart everything I say with a pair of tweezers?”  Fitzy inquires, hurt.

Fitzy and Aria are suddenly starting to sound a heck of a lot like an old married couple.  The question is:  is that a good sign or a bad one.  Aria wants to know where the couple stands in their relationship.  And though Fitzy feels he has already made his love for Aria clear, he is willing to meet with her the following evening to have “The Talk.” 

My advice to Fitzy:  Already trying to figure out what to wear to ensure this “Talk” with Aria will go as well as humanly possible?  Here’s a hint:  Leave the sweater vest in the drawer!

Just sayin’!

Outside the classroom Annoying Mona traps Aria, in a rather grating conversation, as the recent absense of Hanna in her life, has apparently left her with no one to worship.  (Where’s Bushy Eyebrow Noel, when you need him, right?)  Though on the surface, this conversation seemed fairly meaningless and mundane, those in the “Mona is A” camp undoubtedly found a lot to chew on in this particular exchange.

“Hey, Big A!” Mona calls after Aria, ignoring the MASSIVE eyeroll Aria gives her, when she reaches her side.

Huh?  Big A?  Who’s Little A?  I mean, usually calling someone Big A, implies a smaller or younger A, in existence, right?  And who out there is smaller than Aria?  That girl is TEENY!  Not to mention . . . um . . . Mona?  I hate to break it to you, but there is NO girl in the world who enjoys being called “Big.”  Shallow Attempt at Friendship? FAIL!

As it turns out, Mona’s reason for accosting Aria is two-fold.  First, she would like Aria to help pick out a Going Away Gift for Fitzy, since the the two of them are so . . . close . . .

Of course, Mona is referring to the fact that they have had a lot of hot monkey sex together the two of them worked together on the school play!  Right?  Maybe . . . then again . . . maybe not.  After all, A is certainly familiar with Ezria’s sexploits, and if Mona is A, then . . .

The second favor that Mona asks of Aria is that she put in a good word for Mona with her now-on-the-outs former bestie, Hanna.  Last week, if you recall, Hanna gave Mona the big ole boot, when she found out that the latter had made Caleb’s love letter to Hanna DISAPPEAR in the Lamest Magic Trick Ever.

RIIIIPPPP!

 When Aria remarks that SHE hasn’t been talking to Hanna either, as a result of the whole “Our Shrink Doesn’t Think We Should Hang Out Anymore, Because Everyone Assumes We Lied About Finding Ian’s Dead Body” thing, Mona acts like she DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT THAT AT ALL!

“Whatchu talkin’ about, Mona?”

At this point in the show, my Bullsh*t Meter is on high alert.  I don’t believe, for a second, that the Biggest Gossip in the School had NO CLUE that her so-called best friend was involved in a scandal / possible criminal activity coverup of EPIC proportions.

Nevertheless, Mona puts on her best, “I’m sorry the Shrink took all your friends away” face, and bids Aria adieu.

“A Strikes Again”

On the lunch line, the girls (who are not supposed to be hanging out with one another, even though it should be SO OBVIOUS to anyone watching them that they still are) are whispering about the whole Ian Situation and wanting “closure.”  Correction . . . everyone wants closure except Hanna, who HATES closure, with the passion of a girl, who gave up her virginity to a boy, who was paid to seduce her and extract information from her, and then found out that he had fallen in love with her, somewhere along the way.

As if by instinct, all four of our heroines immediately head to the same lunch table . . . that is, until it hits them that they should probably NOT BE SEEN TOGETHER IN PUBLIC. 

Oops!

It is unbelievably sad, seeing these four supposedly super popular individuals each sitting at a table ALL BY THEMSELVES.  (Couldn’t Emily have sat with any of her swim team friends?  She is CAPTAIN, after all.)  I also had to wonder how SMALL this school is, that there were enough empty tables for EACH of these girls (and Mona) to do this.

Speaking of Mona, I know it makes me a terrible person, but I had to laugh a little bit at her expense, when she motioned for Hanna to come sit next to HER, and was DENIED. 

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Queen B Hanna would, apparently, rather sit BY HERSELF, than with the likes of the Future Miss Bushy Eyebrows.

So, of course, the minute the girls are all seated by their lonesome, A sends one of her trademark text messages to all four of them at the same time.  It says:  “Look at you.  All alone in a crowd.  I win!”

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Oh, COME ON, A!  You couldn’t think of anything more creative than the texting equivalent of sticking your tongue out and blowing a raspberry?  Clearly, you are losing your touch.

Toby Gets a Job . . . Then Loses It

Speaking of loners, after a VERY long absence, Abs Toby is back at Rosewood Prep, filling out papers. Spencer sees her beau, and is, of course, thrilled, rushing to give him a celebratory hug.  She thinks he is returning to school (and that she won’t have to suffer the humiliation of eating lunch alone again). 

But alas, Spencer is wrong , (which is becoming an increasingly common occurrence).  Toby is simply collecting the papers necessary to complete his home schooling so that he can earn his GED and leave Rosewood . . . possibly, for good.

Spencer, NO LIKEY!

Toby and Spencer both flirt with the idea of Toby sticking around Rosewood to be with Spencer.  There are a lot of knowing smiles and eye f*&king, but nothing is really established.  Oh, and remember last week, when Toby suddenly became all Mr. Fix It, with Emily’s wall height chart? 

It turns out that was actually PART OF THE PLOT!  (Who knew?)  This week, we find out that our little enterprising Abs Toby has gone and scored himself a construction job in town.  Someone is REALLY itching to get some cash, and get away from Blind Jenna, isn’t he?  And honestly, can you blame him?

You know, if there was ever a contest for Luckiest Dude in Rosewood, Toby would probably come in dead last.  So, of course, it is no surprise, that the very same day Toby begins his career as a construction worker, the client who’s house he is “constructing” gets the poor kid fired, because he didn’t want Abs Toby near his daughter . . . him still being a Murder Suspect, and all.

Poor Toby!  Sometimes the Adult World is just as bad as high school.  At least he has Spencer to lean on, when times get rough, which, let’s face it, is basically ALL THE TIME, on this show 

In a really sweet scene, later on in the episode, the uber cute couple meet up in a forest, of all places,  and talk about how genuinely sh*tty the town they live in and the people who live in it with them are.  Spencer, who’s wearing a business suit, for no apparent reason WHATSOEVER, even goes as far as to offer to tell the cops what she knows about Ian, so that Toby can FINALLY be completely exonerated for any wrongdoing.  Toby then reminds Spencer that the cops in Rosewood are pretty much useless, and don’t believe a darn thing EITHER Toby or Spencer say.  So, what’s the point? 

They put their heads together and cuddle with one another under the stars.  And suddenly the Unluckiest Boy in Rosewood isn’t feeling so unlucky anymore.

Just Keep Swimming . . . Just Keep Swimming

Over at the pool, Emily is busy (SURPRISE) winning a swim meet again.  How convenient, right? 

Glug, Glug . . .

By the way, anybody seen Paige and her Sad Little Orphan Bitchy haircut? 

I know her and Emily sort of/ kind of broke up, but,  does that mean she automaticallly gets tossed into the PLL Vortex of Lost Former Significant Others?  Just curious . . .

Anywhoo . . . Emily is walking with Samara (Remember her, from the Carnival, and that blind date sort of meeting she was supposed to have with Paige, before Paige bailed?), who is NOT Emily’s girlfriend yet, but, I guess is close enough to her to attend her swim meets.  Samara asks Emily out to a movie, and Awkard Emily treats the poor girl like she PROPOSED MARRIAGE.  “But I’m moving . . . and I just got out of  a relationship. . . and I don’t want to start anything serious . . .blah, blah, blah” she yammers on. 

To her credit, Samara handles Emily’s weirdness pretty well, reminding Emily that going to a movie theater is not the same thing as picking out China patterns. 

“Oh, get over yourself, girlfriend!  Have you seen what I look like?  I can get WAY sluttier girls than you to go out with me.”

So, Emily agrees to keep things “casual” with Samara.  But not so fast!  As we all know by now, NO relationship on PLL can truly be a “casual relationship.”  Every first date must seem like Love Everlasting at least, for two episodes, or until the next love interest comes along, whichever is sooner.

 Worry not, Semily Fans!  The PLL writers have a solution for this conundrum which, also, could coincidentally end up allowing Emily to stick around for Season 3 of the show.  Some recruiter from Dartmouth Darby starts talking to her about swimming scholarships, conveniently noting that, if she moves out of Rosewood before the year is up, she probably will miss her chances of getting one. 

Emily is thrilled.  Now, she finally has ammunition to take to her mother that could genuinely prevent her from having to move to a dreaded “Red State,” if you catch my drift.

At the movies, Samara and Emily talk about the “Ghosts of Girlfriends Past” (real ones, not the ones from that LAME Matthew McConaughey Movie). 

Emily recalls that her first date with her FIRST girlfriend Maya, was also a Movie Date.  (Good job, Emily!  Because THAT’S what all new significant others like to hear on a first date Tales of the Ex.  Man, Emily really does SUCK at this whole dating thing, doesn’t she?)  Paige, of course, is not mentioned at all. 

EMILY:  “Umm . . . Samara.  Have you noticed that no one else is in this movie theater aside from us?”

SAMARA:  “Oh, did I forget to mention that I was taking you to see porn?  Sorry about that.”

In and of itself, the scene is pretty useless.  Samara and Emily don’t even hold hands or touch, let alone kiss.  I suspect the only reason for the existence of the scene, was to show that Emily was BACK IN THE DATING world, and to foreshadow Maya’s inevitalble return in a later episode. 

*insert evil laugh here*

Don’t get me wrong, I like Samara.  She’s fun and drama free, which is exactly what Emily needs in a girlfriend right now.  But seriously?  This storyline? Zzzzzzzzz.

Back at home, Emily’s mom is surprisingly open to the idea of Emily staying in Rosewood and finishing out her high school career there, if it means her getting a swimming scholarship to Dartmouth Danby.  She just wants a letter from the recruiter GUARANTEEING  the scholarship, before she brings the idea to Emily’s father.  Ummm, Emily’s Mom?  That’s actually not how college recruitment works . . . AT ALL!

Maternal Advice FAIL

Now, don’t forget that Emily was the Dumb Bunny who left her EVIDENCE OF CRIMINAL ACTIVITY filled computer open and on in her bedroom, while her house was being shown for rental, so ANY NUMBER OF STRANGERS HAD EASY ACCESS TO ALL HER FILES. 

Is she pretty?  Absolutely.  Is she a spectacular athlete?  It would seem so.  Is she smart?  Not so much. 

So, of course, Emily assumes that her New Recruiter Friend will have absolutely NO TROUBLE giving her a PROMISE OF SCHOLARSHIP letter.  As you would expect, New Recruiter Friend pretty much LAUGHS IN HER FACE.  And yet, he does promise to give her a “We are definitely, maybe, considering, giving you a scholarship to our school . . . I think” letter. Emily looks crestfallen. 

That being said, since we all know she’s SOMEHOW going to manage to stay in Rosewood, assuming PLL gets picked up for another season, it’s hard, as a viewer, to really be worried for her.

Also during this scene, we learn that, in addition to erasing the harddrive of Emily’s laptop, SOMEONE stole camping gear from her garage.  Apparently, similar random break-ins have been occuring throughout Rosewood.  This handy-dandy piece of information may seem useless now, but it will come in handy later.

Hanna’s Dad Comes Back to Town (Nobody really cares.)

“I was so bored of my own story line, this week that I left in the middle of the episode to go watch The Voice.”

Of all the PLL girls, Hanna probably got the shortest end of the stick this week, in terms of plot advancing storylines.  (And that’s saying a lot, if you consider how LAME Emily’s storyline ended up being.  See above.)  When you think about it, all that really happened to Hanna this week was that her dad came back to town.  In the kitchen, the father/ daughter duo had their own little private therapy session about how Daddy-o only seemed to come around when Hanna was in trouble, and how he pretty much ABANDONED his own daughter for his better-behaved step-family. 

After Hanna stomps upstairs, Mama Marin and Papa Marin have a “reunion” of sorts, in which Daddy Dearest agrees to move back home for a while, until all this “Hanna as Murder Suspect Sh*t” blows over.  I can’t imagine things are going too well with Mr. Marin’s OTHER family, if he is so willing to up and leave them like this.  Then Hanna’s parents decide to do what any “rational” parents would do in this situation, they break out the booze.

“I am SO getting you drunk, so I can get laid tonight.”

“You SURE ARE!”

You know, I don’t think it sends such a good message to teens that Aria’s and Hanna’s “Trouble with the Law” ended up being what brought BOTH of their parents back together.  It teaches kids that if their parents are having marital troubles, all they have to do is “act out” or misbehave in some way, and they will get back together.  Just sayin’

Oh, and I almost forgot, toward the end of the episode, Hanna randomly decides to forgive Mona for the Caleb Thing.  Mona claims excited, because “nobody has ever forgiven [her] before.”  (Umm . . . really, Mona?  Because I seem to remember HANNA forgiving you, last season, for starting a rumor that she had lipsuction, and for disinviting her to your Big Ass Birthday Party.  How quickly we forget?)

Hanna and Mona further cement their truce, by promising not to talk about their current love interests Caleb and Bushy Eyebrows Noel with one another.  That’s good, because I REALLY don’t want to learn anymore about Mona and Bushy Eyebrows making out.  I had to rinse my eyes out with alcohol from the last time that image was seared into my brain . . .

Parking Lot Sex . . . Well, that’s one way to Go Public with your “Secret Relationship”

So, remember how Fitzy promised to meet Aria at his apartment to talk about the “status” of their relationship.  Well, as it turns out, Fitzy got caught up in a little orientation meeting with college faculty, and his soon-to-be boss, and was late to the date  .  . . HOURS late.  (Apologetic Boyfriend FAIL!)  At first, Aria doesn’t seem to mind too much, as we know from earlier episodes how much she LOVES snooping around Fitzy’s apartment, while he’s not home. 

“So, it’s already been a few days, and Fitzy still hasn’t realized ‘A’ stole his diploma.  Do you think he’d notice if I took some of his underwear home for ‘safe keeping?’“

First, she returns to Fitzy the diploma that “A” stole from his apartment to freak out the girls, then she starts reminiscing about their relationship, by looking through all sorts of little mementos Fitzy saved along the way, like, for example, the paper bags they wore over their heads, to note the secret status of their relationship. 

I can’t decide whether this is really romantic, or really creepy . . . I’m leaning toward creepy.

As Aria tends to do, while snooping around Fitzy’s alone, she calls Spencer to ask for advice about how long she should wait at the apartment, before she starts looking like a Total Desperate Hobag.  “You are the master of time,” Aria says to Spencer, kissing her ass, as hard as she can.

This true, technically,  when it comes to macking with the boys, Spencer is an EXPERT with time.  It’s the timing of everything ELSE in her life that seems to suck so royally.  Anywho, Spencer ditches Aria to go hang out with Toby.  So, after hours, of waiting for Fitzy to show up, Aria finally decides to leave. 

Cleverly (or callously, depending on how you view it), Aria leaves her Dear John note for Fitzy, in his old-fashioned type writer.  (Maybe she was hoping he wouldn’t find it?  I mean, really, just because he OWNS a typewriter, doesn’t mean he uses it.  Fitzy may be OLDER, but he’s not OLD!  He knows how to use a computer, for crying out loud!)

Nevertheless, the typewriter is where Aria ends up placing her letter, which goes a little something like this:  “I’m sorry we couldn’t work things out with our relationship. -Aria”  (OUCH!)

If any of you out there were MAD at Aria for the particular way in which she decided to dump Fitzy (Hey, at least she didn’t do it by text message or Post-It Note), worry not, karma got to her BIG TIME, when she wandered into Spencer’s house, after being stood up on her “talking date.”  Upon entering Spencer’s house, Aria steps on broken glass, immediately signifying to her that SOMEONE has broken in.  (No wonder Spencer carries that knife around everywhere.  That house sees more action than Paris Hilton!)  However, before Aria can react to this new information, she is tackled to the ground by an unseen home invader, as he dashes from the home.

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When Spencer comes home, her and Aria discuss the possibility that “A” has been sneaking into homes in the area, and collecting things . . . that “A” may be Ian . . . and that he may be out to get Spencer.

The next day at school, is Fitzy’s last day, he seems SUPER sad to be leaving “his students,” and by “his students” I basically mean, only Aria. 

“I don’t even know who half of you people are . . . I spent the entire year staring at Aria’s rack.”

“No wonder I got an ‘A-cup’ in English this semester.”

In fact, Fitzy’s entire goodbye speech seems to be solely directed toward her.  (I guess he uses that typewriter, after all!)  In typical Geeky, but Endearing, Fitzy fashion, he uses a quote to embody his feelings for Aria the class.  “Joseph Campbell once said, ‘You must give up the life you planned, in order to have the life that is waiting for you.’  I didn’t understand what that meant, until I met you.”

(Well, you better explain it to ME, Fitzy!  Because it doesn’t sound all that inspiring from where I’m standing.)

Nevertheless, Fitzy’s speech must have had an impact on Aria, because, after HOURS of sitting by herself on school grounds (weren’t her parents looking for her), she rushes into Fitzy’s classroom, looking for him, only to find that he has already left.

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But fear not, Ezria fans!  Because when Aria runs out to the parking lot, she finds Fitzy packing the last of his personal belongings into his car, and, in perfect Romantic Comedy Fashion, rushes into his arms for one of those LOOOOONG KISSES, that they use the 360 degree camera to film.

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It was heart-warming, triumphant, and super sweet . . . but it also made me really dizzy.  Just sayin’.

 Jason 2.0 apparently has both Multiple Personality, and Multiple Face Disorder

As I mentioned earlier, Super Sleuth Spencer has taken it upon herself, to find out exactly what happened to Ian.  First, she tries getting information from her sister Mopey Melissa, but girlfriend is not cracking.  So, she gets some store bought cookies, puts them in a plate to make them look baked, and carries them over to Maya’s house, where Jason is currently staying.

Though they showed Jason a bit, in the first scene, where he was throwing out all of Alison’s stuff, Spencer’s second meeting with Jason marked the first time I REALIZED that he was a different person.  And BOY was I confused! 

Luckily, I had my laptop in front of me, and was able to locate the article I linked above for you, which explained the Great Jason DiLaurentis Body Snatch.  Apparently, the old Jason was recast for someone a bit younger looking, as this was more consistent with the “direction” in which the writers wanted the character to go, in the show’s second season.

Considering that they chose a younger-looking actor, and considering that, EVERY MALE on this show ends up somehow involved with one of the PLL’s, I suspect that the main reason for this little switcheroo was to set up a future romance between Jason, and one of our girls (Using process of elimination, I would suspect it would be Aria Hanna, since both Spencer and Hanna already have love triangles with which to grapple, and Aria is currently a one-man lady.) 

And yet, while the actor who plays Nu-Jason is definitely cute, I can’t help but feel like the way his character is being introduced, is too similar to the way the writers introduced Toby in Season One, i.e.  The Sort of Creepy, Potential Suspect, Guy, who ends up being Sweet and Misunderstood.

I hope I’m wrong.  Because, as far as I’m concerned, there can only be one Toby.

“Word!”

But I am getting ahead of myself here.  So, Spencer arrives at the house, and a grouchy Jason, makes me sort of hate him, by throwing rocks at a poor defenseless little dog, to get him out of the back yard.  He’s pretty defensive and rude to Spencer, and yet somehow gets her talking about what happened at the church.  At least initially, Jason seems to believe Spencer’s story about what Ian did, and what might have happened to him. 

You’ve really gotta hand it to Jason 2.0.   He’s smart.  Here was Super Sleuth Spencer coming to his home for information, and SHE ended up giving all the information she had to HIM, while he pretty much revealed nothing.  Talk about a Wanna Be Veronica Mars, FAIL, Spencer!

This scene is followed by a completely random, and not all that useful, flashback, in which Ali taunts her older brother Jason 2.0, by hiding his crap from him.  She makes some very Ali-like comment about how, when she hides things, they stay hidden.  I suspect it was supposed to be a “mysterious” scene.  And yet, I was so distracted by the appearance of Jason 2.0, I found myself unable to really concentrate on it all that much, to be honest.

(Didn’t they say last season that he used to be a goth, back when Ali was alive?  He looks more like the Captain of the Soccer Team here.)

Spencer’s sleuthing abilities are redeemed somewhat, when she comes home to her lazy ass sister, sitting right on the couch, where she seems to have been for two days straight. 

“I’m on to you Crazy Nanny Carrie from One Tree Hill . . . er . . . I mean, Melissa.”

Though Melissa claims to have been there the whole time, Spencer notices that Melissa’s raincoat and boots are wet, and in her pocket is the sonogram picture that she showed Spencer earlier.  Also, though Melissa clearly left the house that day, her car seems not to have moved.  Now, Spencer is wondering whether Melissa has been “entertaining” someone in the barn where Ali was pretty much last seen alive . . . possibly Ian.

But this section isn’t about Melissa or Ian, right?   It’s about Jason. 

Toward the end of the episode, the girls find him outside building a fence, either to keep intruders out, or to keep someone IN. 

He’s building in the middle of the night, in a rainstorm, and seems to have a TON of camping gear around him, similar to the camping gear that was stolen from Emily’s house. 

That cute little dog is there again, and it seems to be sniffing inside one of the sleeping bags, on the ground near Jason.  Something long and tall, is in that bag . . . something that could be but probably isn’t a dead body.

In the final scene of the episode, we see the Infamous Gloved Hand fondling the cute dog’s head.  For a second, we worry that Evil Gloved Hand Person might do something TRULY AWFUL, like break the dog’s neck. 

But, instead, it just lovingly pets the dog, who seems to recognize Gloved Hand instantly.  If this is, in fact, the DiLaurentis Family dog than Gloved Hand person, must be someone who is familiar with the family . . . like, for example, Ian . . .or one of Ali’s parents . . . maybe even Ali, herself.

And there you have it:  “The Goodbye Look” in a nutshell.  Be sure to tune in next week, when, if my sources are correct, MY HONEY BUNNY Doctor Wren / Julian Morris returns to Rosewood!  SQUEE!  (It’s about DAMN time!)

You can check out the SUPER INTENSE Much Music promo for the third episode, entitled “My Name is Trouble” here:

See you next week, My Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com] [Fangirls Forever]

Text Messages of the Damned – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ Season 2 Premiere “It’s Alive”

Welcome back, my Pretties!  Oh, how I’ve missed you.  Heck, I’ve missed THIS SHOW!  With its Text Messages from the Great Beyond . . . its Creepy Characters, Who Always Pop Up at Precisely the WRONG Moment . . . its Villain “A,” who seems to gain increasingly ridiculous superpowers, with every episode . . . its suprisingly steamy romance scenes . . . its RAMPANT MALE SHIRTLESSNESS.  Did I mention the shirtlessness?

Well, HELLO Fitzy!  Welcome to the NAKED CLUB!

Though it got off to an admittedly slow start, this week’s season premiere of Pretty Little Liars definitely succeeded in giving us the best this show has to offer, with, not one, but TWO “I love you” declarations, multiple couple-y exchanges, a whole lot of Grade “A” craziness, and the return of two VERY frightening monsters . . . one with Furry Caterpillars Where His Eyebrows Should Be . . .

 . . . the other, a BONAFIDE ZOMBIE!

Man, this show is getting SCARIER than TVD!

Let’s review, shall we?

(Oh, and before I begin, a very special thanks to THIS spectacular website, for providing the Most Comprehensive Collection of Pretty Little Liars Screencaps on the planet!  Unless, it’s a GIF, if you see a picture in this recap that you like, it’s probably from THERE.)

People Not to Be Trusted #1 – Police Boy Garrett

Reason:  Because we KNOW where THAT tongue has been!

The season premiere begins EXACTLY where the Season 1 finale left off.   Our fabulous foursome have just left the church, where Purple-Faced Creepy Pedo Ian, who was last seen hanging from the rafters of the Church, has seemingly vanished into thin air, making our protagonists (who actually called the police, for a change) look like, for lack of a better term, “Pretty Little Liars.”

Outside the church, the girls talk nervously to one another, trying to convince themselves that what they saw was real . . . and that Creepy Pedo Ian is REALLY no more.  But the doubts are already starting to creep into their brains.  Did they really see what they THOUGHT they saw?  Or has “A” been playing tricks on them again?

 Meanwhile, seemingly the ENTIRE town of Rosewood has come out for this fun-filled local event.  After all, it’s not every day you get to see the dead body of a neighbor of yours, hung from the church ceiling, like a Christmas Tree ornament!

YAY!  Hangings are FUN!

 Unfortunately, for the people of Rosewood, Dead Body Watch is simply not in the cards for them.  This corpse has gone on vacation (probably with the dude from that old movie, Weekend at Bernies!).

Suddenly, the PLL girls are the MOST HATED KIDS IN TOWN!  How DARE they get their neighbors all excited about the opportunity to see their FIRST Dead Body (well . . . second, if you count Alison’s), and then NOT deliver!  FOR SHAME!  Fortunately, Police Boy Garrett swoops in to rescue them, before the tomatos and smelly shoes start being thrown. 

“Come with me,” says Police Boy gallantly.

Like Aria, I began to question Police Boy’s motives, the minute he refused to allow the teens to tell their parents they were heading down to the police station.  Granted, Police Boy’s superiors probably TOLD him to do this, in order to prevent the girls’ parents from immediately instructing them to ask for attorney representation, thereby stopping the investigation in its tracks.  But still . . . how many horror movies have YOU seen, where the innocent teens enter a cop car they think is safe, only to find out that the “Mild-Mannered Police Boy” in the front seat is really an INSANE PSYCHO KILLER?

My suspicions GREW, along with those of the rest of the girls, when Police Boy DID NOT, as promised, take the girls to the police station, but rather DROVE THEM TO A DESERTED STREET IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, AND FORCED THEM OUT OF THE COP CAR!

Well girls . . . it was nice knowing ya!

Fortunately, for the PLLs, Police Boy actually seems LESS interested in ripping out their throats, and eating their faces for late night snack, and more concerned with COVERING HIS OWN ASS.  Remember, Police Boy Garrett has A LOT to hide from his superiors.  For starters, he’s in a relationship with the decidedly underage Creepy Blind Jenna (though the PLL girls don’t know this, yet).  He had also orchestrated the girls’ botched attempt to blackmail Creepy Pedo Ian into confessing to Alison’s murder, using the disturbing Snuff Porn-like video “A” sent to them (along with 10 Gs) as bait . . .

The girls promptly agree to keep their mouths shut about the video.  After all, none of the cops seem to believe anything they say, anyway. 

Oh, and I bet you will never guess who was conveniently lurking in the shadows, watching hearing this ENTIRE exchange take place, almost as though she had ORCHESTRATED THE WHOLE THING HERSELF?

So, much for finding a DESERTED PLACE WHERE NO ONE CAN OVERHEAR YOU TALKING ABOUT OBSTRUCTING JUSTICE, Police Boy!  If Blind Jenna could hear you, chances are other people could have too!

People Not to Trust #2 – PLL PARENTS!

Allow me to introduce you to the Swell Parents of PLL, from left to right:  Mama “I Hit on My Students’ Teachers” Montgomery, Papa “Sleeps With Students” Montgomery, Papa “Win at All Costs” Hastings, Mama “Favors Her Older Daughter” Hastings, Mama “Slutty Thief” Marin (where’s Hannah’s absentee dad?), and Mama “Homophobe” Fields.

After suffering through hours of police investigation, the PLL girls head to Spencer’s house for a slumber party, except not much slumbering is occuring.  And when they head downstairs to get some coffee and refreshments, ALL their parents are there.  And they have some BAD NEWS.

Remember how last season, the cops thought Spencer was a TOTAL wackadoo liar, who might have actually been responsible for Alison’s death?  Well, now, apparently, in the wake of the Ian Thing, the blame has spread to all FOUR of the girls.  Now, the cops suddenly think the PLLs are OBSESSED with Creepy Pedo Ian, and are blaming Alison’s death on him, to cover up for their own wrongdoing. 

However, instead of working on getting the girls FOUR SEPARATE attorneys, like normal parents would do in this situation, the PLL Sucky Parent Club decide that the key to solving their kids’ problems is to have them ALL SEE THE SAME SHRINK TOGETHER!  Their rationale for this?  Apparently, the PLL Sucky Parent Club believes that the mere act of seeking professional help will make the kids look more LIKEABLE in the eyes of the cops and the press.

Never mind that these kids are actually WANTED FOR MURDER.  Don’t worry about the fact that they have all been TRAUMATIZED BY THEIR FRIEND’S DEATH, and may actually NEED psychological counseling on an INDIVIDUAL basis to cope with this.  All that’s important to THESE parents is that their kids LOOK sympathetic to the cops.  Parenting FAIL!

By the way, since when did the mere act of going to a shrink make a person more likeable?  Don’t get me wrong.  There’s absolutely NO SHAME in seeking professional help for personal issues.  I just don’t see the relationship between getting help, and looking “less guilty” during a police investigation.  Just sayin’.

Speaking of “awesome” parenting, did I mention that Abs Toby came to visit Spencer that morning, and her loving dad SLAMMED THE DOOR IN THE POOR GUY’S FACE?

That’s right, Pops!  This is EXACTLY what you should do when you are worried that your daughter might be having a nervous breakdown, SYSTEMATICALLY ISOLATE HER from all her friends / sole support system.  Great idea!

With parents like THESE, is it any wonder I am always making this face?

People Not to Trust #3 – Blind Jenna (but we already knew that)

In the subsequent scene, we see Blind Jenna and Police Boy Garrett cuddled together in Police Boy’s cop car for a little Makeout / Stakeout Session outside “Dead” Ali’s house, where they are inappropriately leering at Ali’s older brother, hot shirtless Jason, as he conveniently undresses in front of an open window.  Remember JASON, ladies?  Because, I sure do . . .

YUMMY!

For reasons, I simply cannot understand, Police Boy and Blind Jenna are not NEARLY as excited about Jason’s return to Rosewood as I am.  In fact, Jason makes them nervous . . . very nervous.   This, apparently, has something to do with a “Jason Thing” they don’t want anybody to find out about.  Wait a minute . . . a JASON THING?  So, let me get this straight.  The PLL girls had a Blind Jenna Thing.  And Blind Jenna and Police Boy Garrett have a JASON THING!  That’s a whole lotta “things”!

People Not to Trust #4 – Bushy Eyebrows Noel

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At school, Aria is excited to learn that her mom is moving back home to try and patch things up with her dad.  And blah, blah, blah.  I think I fell asleep during that scene. 

Even THEY look bored.

But things get interesting again, when we get to English class, and Aria is forced to confront Fitzy for the first time since the “Ex Girlfriend Jackie Incident.” 

AWK-WARD!

Now, I know Fitzy is supposed to be this “cool” teacher and all.  And he probably didn’t want to stir up any more speculation regarding his relationship with Aria than probably already existed, particularly considering he was LEAVING HIS JOB SO HE COULD DATE HER.  

But I still think Aria’s main man should have said SOMETHING about the extremely cruel Hangman Chalk Drawing on the board, with the word “liars” more or less spelled out beneath it, in obvious reference to the PLL girls’ statements regarding Creepy Pedo Ian.  I mean, that was just an inappropriate thing for a student to do.  (Though, even I’ve got to admit, it was pretty damn funny!)

What can I say?  I couldn’t resist!

English class goes from bad to worse for our female heroines, when Bushy Eyebrows Noel returns from his suspension, seemingly primed for revenge against Aria and Fitzy.  The twin caterpillars on his forehead nearly do a little Dance of Joy, when he turns toward Aria, and leeringly asks her, “Miss me?”  I literally got chills . . .

People Not to Trust #5 – Mona Your Fellow Classmates

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In the hallways, the PLL girls find themselves the subject of some pretty harsh ridicule, as a result of the publicity they garnered from the Ian Thing.  And when Hanna’s so-called pal Mona overhears the gossiping, I half expected her to join right along.  (Remember when Mona told the whole school that Hannah had liposuction?  Good times!)  But Mona surprises me, by sticking up for her friend publicly in front of her detractors.  “I don’t know what’s more pathetic,” begins Mona.  “People who gossip, or people who LISTEN to gossip.”  (And MONA would know!)

After the girls leave, Mona then tries to cheer up her downtrodden pal, by remarking on one of the “gossipers’ Flat Asses, and how bad they look in skinny jeans.  And I must admit, the exchange made me like Mona just a little bit more.  So, we all know she’s going to have to screw it up soon, right?

People Not To Trust #6 – FITZY(?)

Meanwhile, in the same hallway, Spencer and Aria are marveling over how popular Bushy Eyebrows Noel has suddenly become.   (Perhaps, the caterpillars on his forehead possess some weird mind control powers over the masses?)

Fitzy interrupts the exchange, calling Aria back into his classroom to have wild and crazy sex on top of his desk “talk about her English paper.”  Aria seems skeptical of the request, but ultimately complies.

Like Mona before him, Fitzy wins some points with me, by not immediately jumping into his “you have to forgive me” for lying about my ex-girlfriend routine.  Fitzy’s no dumby.  He’s heard the gossip about the Ian Thing, and can see how Aria and her friends are being treated at school.  He offers Aria comfort and support, and wants her to know she doesn’t have to go through this alone. 

But Aria is still really hurt about the Jackie Thing, and feels as though it has irrevocably changed things between her and Fitzy.  Fitzy insists to Aria that NOTHING has changed, and that he still loves her.  (Easy for HIM to say.  HE wasn’t the one who had the run-in with the dreaded Ex.)  When Aria doesn’t respond to his statement in kind, Fitzy wonders out loud whether they are over.  Aria says that she doesn’t know. Then she dashes from the room. 

No sex in the English class room for Fitzy!  Thanks for playing!  Better luck next time!

People Not to Trust #7 – Abs Toby’s Family (and Spencer’s)

Hanna and Aria aren’t the only ones having lousy days.  Spencer is having one too.  First, she goes to sneak a visit to Toby’s and is told by Blind Jenna that Toby’s parents have forbade him to see her.  Of course, it is uncertain whether this is the TRUTH, or if Blind Jenna is just saying this so her little rape victim can’t get laid away from home.  “Whatever little ‘thing’ you had with him is over,” seethes Blind Jenna, before slamming the door in Spencer’s face.

At the Hastings’ house, Police Boy Garrett is questioning an annoyingly inconsolate Melissa about Creepy Pedo Ian’s disappearance.  Spencer arrives home, and Melissa starts screaming at her, telling her that as soon as Creepy Pedo Ian returns FROM HELL! the two of them are leaving town.  Because Melissa DOES NOT want her Satan Spawn baby consorting with the likes of Spencer.  NO SIR! 

Rather than trying to convince their older daughter that their younger one isn’t EVIL, Spencer’s parents just stare dumbly at the wall in front of them.  This prompts Spencer to (correctly) note that, even though the Hastings have TWO daughters, they are only protecting one.  YEAH, SPENCER!  You tell that Crazy Nanny Carrie from One Tree Hill and her two middle-aged minions what’s what!

People Not to Trust #8 – Emily’s Mom (and the Creepy Realtor)

Emily is sitting in her bedroom watching internet porn . . . er .  . . I mean the creepy tape showing Blind Jenna raping Toby.  A realtor comes by.  He’s helping Emily’s mom to sell and/or rent out the house, so that the Fields’ family can go and be with their dad on the army base in Texas.  The realtor seems creepily interested in Emily’s personal memorabilia, like her childhood pictures, and her Wall Height Chart.  And yet, he tells her that she will have to remove all personal affects from her home in order to help it sell better.  Emily scowls . . . eager to return to her Rape DVD.

People We Can TOTALLY Trust #1 – ADORABLE LUCAS!

I smell bromance!

My SECOND favorite scene in this week’s season premiere just so happened to be one of the shortest.  In it, Adorable Lucas drives a Lovestruck Caleb back into town, and drops him off at a nearby hotel.  As Caleb is exiting the car, Lucas leaves him with these parting words, “Listen, I don’t know what you did to Hanna . . . but don’t do it again.”

We now return to our regularly scheduling programing of UNTRUSTWORTHY characters . . .

People Not to Trust # 9 – Shrink Anne Sullivan

I have to say, I don’t blame Hannah the least bit, for preferring Retail Therapy to THIS Grief Counseling B.S., and trying to skip out on the session.  For one thing, why on Earth would the parents agree to let their kids attend grief counseling TOGETHER.  How can a teenager POSSIBLY feel comfortable letting out their deepest darkest feelings, while the three people who’s opinions of them matter most are listening?

Beyond that, I didn’t trust THIS shrink, AT ALL, from the minute she appeared on screen!  And, as the episode progressed further, I grew to trust her less and less.  (Way to give a warm fuzzy message to the kiddies about seeking professional help for mental issues, ABC FAMILY!)

I don’t think it is any accident at all that this counselor’s name is “Anne Sullivan,” as in the noted teacher of blind and deaf heroine and phenomenon, Hellen Keller.  Just out of curiosity, who ELSE do we know that’s BLIND on this show?

Just sayin’!

Anywhoo . . . not much happens during this first therapy session.  The girls just awkwardly rehash how they grew apart, following Alison’s initial disappearance, and reunited, after her body was found.  Ms. Sullivan notes that, under psychiatrist / patient privilege everything the girls say in the counselor’s room is private.  The girls seem tempted to divulge their deepest darkest secrets.  But, ultimately, they don’t. 

And . . . judging by what happens later in the episode, that’s probably a GOOD THING!

Outside the therapist’s office, the girls find a local paper, featuring the four of them on the front page.  To their chagrin, the article suggests that Ian skipped town on Melissa, and the foursome knew about it / attempted to cover it up.  Apparently, Ian’s car was found in the woods, abandoned, with $10,000 stowed away in the backseat . . . i.e the blackmail money the girls attempted to offer Ian during the finale.

SURPRISE!  It’s time for another text from “A.”  This one says, “I spy a liar.”  OK, I’m sorry, A, but that was just lame, particularly for a FIRST post hiatus text message.

The only thing that makes SPENCER feel better about this moment is that Toby seems to be there waiting for her. 

Except, as it turns out, he’s NOT waiting for Spencer . . . he’s waiting to pick up Blind Jenna from some appointment he had to attend. 

(You know, this ENTIRE episode seemed to point to Jenna and Police Boy Garrett working together as “A.”  Of course, knowing this show, this probably means that neither of them are “A.”  Still, this devilish duo DOES seem to always be around when “A” is doing her nastiest deeds.)

People Not to Trust #10 Caleb(?) and Mona (I knew she’d somehow wind up back on this list.)

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 Hannah comes home from an afternoon of shopping and head shrinking to find Caleb waiting for her in her kitchen.  After making sure her daughter is OK, Mama Marin rises to leave the two lovebirds alone.  Poor Hanna is CLEARLY affected by her Virginity Removers unexpected return to Rosewood.  But she stays strong, and tries to remain stoic.  “You not allowed to . . . look at me like that,” scolds Hannah, as the Caleb Puppy Dog Eyes begin to work their magic on her recently iced over heart . . .

FINALLY, Caleb gets to tell Hanna about the Goodbye Letter he gave to Mona to deliver to her.  FINALLY, he gets to tell her how he feels, and how truly sorry he is for SPYING ON HER for Batsh*t Crazy Blind Jenna!  (It SURE took him long enough!)  “Most of my life, I have felt alone . . . even when I was with people . . . until I met you . . .  If you let me, I will make it up to you .  . . I love you,” Caleb explains, his eyes welling up with big hearty man-tears, as he speaks.

Oh, hormones!  How you wreck me!

Though moved by Caleb’s words, Hanna stays strong, unable to get past the VERY personal way in which Caleb betrayed her.  For those of you who have forgotten . . .

*whistles*

Caleb is crushed by Hanna’s refusal to forgive him, and her seemingly cold response to his love declaration.  But he understands why Hanna feels the way she does, and accepts it . . . for now.  “Goodbye, Hannah,” he tells her sadly before exiting the house, for what he probably believes will be the last time. 

It is not until after Caleb leaves that Hanna finally allows those long suffering tears to escape her eyes.

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I’ve gotta be honest.  The whole thing is pretty darn depressing.  And yet, things are about to get worse for poor Hanna!

Our heroine heads immediately to the local coffee shop to confront Mona for failing to give Hanna Caleb’s letter.  I must admit, when Mona first threw away Caleb’s Goodbye Love Letter to Hanna, I was the first one to accuse her of doing it out of petty jealousy.  And yet, upon being confronted, Mona’s assertion that she did it to protect Hannah’s heart from being broken again seemed surprisingly genuine.  (I can’t BELIEVE I’m actually saying something nice about Mona today.  What’s wrong with me?)

That being said, those MASSIVE Eiffel Tower earrings and that CLOWN lipstick HAVE TO GO!

Hanna wasn’t about to forgive Caleb, and she’s CERTAINLY not going to forgive her best friend for HER betrayal.  For a split second, I actually found myself feeling bad for Mona, who, let’s face it, really doesn’t have any other friends to fall back on, after this.  But then THIS happened, and ALL that good will, I had just built up for Mona went flying RIGHT OUT THE WINDOW!

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HOLY MOTHER OF UGLY CATERPILLAR EYEBROWS!  Mona is swapping spit with Bushy Eyebrows Noel!  Hell has obviously frozen over . . .

People Not to Trust #11 – Crazy Nanny Carrie Spencer’s Sister, Melissa

Remember back when the PLL girls orchestrated a date night for Emily and Maya, when their parents wouldn’t let them see one another? 

Well, as it turns out, Emily is ready to return the favor, by orchestrating a little secret date time at HER house for Spencer and Abs Toby.  Spencer prepares for her Big Night Out by stepping into something a bit sluttier more comfortable . . .

So, of course, Cockblock Melissa has to come in and RUIN EVERYTHING!

GRRRR!

Apparently, Melissa suffers from some kind of Multiple Personality Disorder.  Just a few hours ago, she was AFRAID TO LET SPENCER NEAR HER BABY, afraid that the mere proximity would cause her precious child to contact Pretty Little Cooties.  But now, suddenly, Melissa is the PERFECT Big Sis, promising not to rat Spencer out for going on her secret date, and telling Spencer that she “believes her” about Ian.  “I know he would NEVER leave me to bang more underage chicks, like Ali, and you, and Blind Jenna,” coos Melissa nauseatingly.

She then lets Spencer in on a little secret, the name of her future child.  It’s “Taylor.”  Damn it!  That was going to be the name of MY future child, if I ever decided to have kids.  Well, SCRAP THAT!  (By the way, remember this little tidbit of info, because it’s going to become important later.)

Suddenly, Melissa wants to know EVERYTHING about Spencer’s adventures with “A.”  (How convenient!)  Not able to say no to her SHREW of a sister, who so rarely acts like a human being, that Spencer really must take advantage of the rare moments when this occurs, the younger Hastings sister reluctantly texts Emily to cancel her date with the Tobster.

Back at Emily’s house, Toby does carpentry work for Emily (OK, when did the character formerly known as Creepy Toby suddenly become the PERFECT SPECIMEN of man). 

And though he is clearly disappointed about being ditched by his girlfriend, the Tobster still manages to share a sweet moment with Emily, promising her that all is forgiven between them, and that the two will still be friends, even after she leaves for Texas.  (Repeat after me:  AWWW!)

People Not to Trust #12 – YOURSELF (around a Shirtless Fitzy)

SQUEE!  It does SQUATS TOO!

So, remember when I told you that the Adorable Lucas scene was my SECOND favorite one in the hour.  Well, THIS one was my favorite.  This, of course, had nothing at all to do with the dialogue between Aria and Ezra, and EVERYTHING to do with THIS . . .

OK ladies!  For those of you out there who have EVER tried to make the argument that Fitzy and Aria have NOT done the deed yet, this episode should absolutely, positively prove you WRONG!  Because here’s the thing, had Aria not ALREADY made herself EXTREMELY familiar with Fitzy’s “goods” there is NO WAY IN HELL that she would have been able to carry on a semi-intelligent conversation with him for three minutes, while he was looking LIKE THAT!  It’s scientifically impossible!

Holy heck!  Who knew THAT was underneath all those geeky sweatervests and button down shirts Fitzy always wears.  If I was a guy and looked like him, I’d never wear clothing AT ALL!

But I guess I should at least somewhat mention the conversation that took place in this scene.  Fitzy thanks Aria for coming to see her.  He encourages her to talk about all the crap that’s going on in her life.  He promises her that she is not alone, because she has him, basically saying all the right things to get back into his girlfriend’s panties good graces.

Then Fitzy allows Aria to play Twenty Questions with him.  She starts peppering him with questions about his relationship with Jackie.  Was he on the rebound, when he met her?  He says he wasn’t.  And yet, he WAS technically still in love with Jackie, on that fateful day when Aria and Fitzy banged in the bathroom . . .

Hmmm . . . interesting.

Fitzy realizes he probably screwed up by saying that, so he uses his poetry skills to try and dig himself out of the massive hole into which he just dug himself.  “There is not one moment when we were together when I was ever thinking about ANYBODY other than you,” he offers.  “You know what I love about Saturdays?”  He adds.  “It’s looking up and realizing we have the WHOLE DAY to be together.”

Well played, Fitzy.  But, unfortunately it wasn’t enough.  When everyone’s favorite Naked English teacher asks Aria to spend the day with him, she declines.  She doesn’t even agree to CALL him the next day.  OUCH!   Maybe the sex isn’t that good?

 As Aria is leaving Fitzy’s place, she gets  a text from “A.” 

It’s a photograph of Fitzy’s home office.  Apparently, “A” has removed the spare key from under his mat, and took the liberty of letting him or herself inside.  I vaguely recall Police Boy Garrett snatching that key last season.  Intriguing . . .

People Not to Trust #13  – THE WORLD!

Together once again, the PLL’s make a joint decision to spill their guts to Shrinky Dink Anne Sullivan.  They even plan to show her the Rape DVD of Blind Jenna (wonder how Abs Toby would feel about that), and the Snuff Porn Ali and Ian film, both of which are currently stored on Emily’s computer.  (Note: Important.)  The foursome schedule an appointment with Shrinky.  However, just when they are about to show her the video, Hannah notices an interesting diploma on the wall.  It’s Fitzy’s.

I have to admit, when I first noticed the diploma, I didn’t make the right connection.  My first thought was that Anne Sullivan was Fitzy’s MOM!  (Though now I see, the age difference is a bit too small for that.)  After a few moments, however, I realized what the PLL’s did.  That “A” had clearly stolen Fitzy’s diploma, and put it in Anne Sullivan’s office, as a warning to them against spilling the beans to her about what they knew.

The question is, who else, aside from the PLL’s would realistically make an appointment with a grief counselor, in order to have access to her office.  Once again, all signs point to Blind Jenna . . .

“It always comes back to me, doesn’t it?”

Suitably freaked out, the girls rush out of Shrinky Dink’s office, making sure to take Fitzy’s diploma with them.  This pisses off La Shrinka ROYALLY, and she responds by telling all the PLL’s parents that they shouldn’t hang out together anymore.  WOW, that’s pretty much the WORST ADVICE a grief counselor could give a group of girls who are EXPERIENCING LOSS, DON’T TRUST ANYONE, and ASIDE FROM ONE ANOTHER FEEL COMPLETELY ALONE.  And yet, all the PLL parents think this is a FABULOUS idea.

No wonder teens don’t listen to their parents!  The adults on EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY teen-oriented show I watch SUCK SERIOUS ASS!

I am REALLY hating this Shrink Lady.  So, much so, that when she was getting stalked as she left her office, I was kind of hoping “A” would kill her.  Except “A” would never do that, because Shrink Lady is CLEARLY in cahoots with “A.”  Because, think about it WHO ELSE would want to separate the PLL girls, so that she or he can work on them separately and make their lives miserable.  It wouldn’t be the first time “A” tried to break up the PLL crew!

Be afraid, PLLs!  Be very afraid!

Speaking of afraid, Spencer is home alone, and hears a noise in her kitchen.  For a few dreamy seconds there, I was kind of hoping it was the same person who made the NOISE in her kitchen LAST TIME this happened!

Come back, Dr. Wren!  I MISS YOU!

But Spencer’s had kind of a bad day.  So, she doesn’t think her intruder is Drunk Wren, at all.  Rather, she’s convinced it is SOMEONE TRYING TO MURDER HER.  And so she takes a page out of the Scream handbook, and does THIS . . .

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Except the Psycho Killer actually ends up being ABS TOBY!

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(Hey, Spencer got to make use out of that slutty top, after all!)

“I had to see you,” Toby whispers in Spencer’s ear sweetly, as the two rush into one another’s arms for a tearful embrace. 

I really do heart these two.  I especially loved when Toby left the house after sex with Spencer their date, and protectively told Spencer to “lock the door.”  Spencer’s response, “yes sir,” was so flirtatiously cute, and so “un-Spencer,” it totally gave you an idea of how smitten these two individuals are over one another.

Alas, things in the Hasting’s household can never stay sweet for long!  Spencer soon finds a new text message on her sister’s cell phone (Why did that asshat leave it home, after she JUST got it back?).  It’s from a blocked number.  The text says something about the person not being able to tell Melisssa his or her whereabouts, because it is “not safe yet.”

A freaked out Spencer, immediately texts all the PLL’s with an SOS.  The foursome sneak out of their houses and meet up in a random greenhouse.  (Who the heck has a random greenhouse, in Rosewood?  Just sayin’.)  The girls immediately wonder whether IAN is alive and well, and texting Melissa.  To test this theory, they ask him a question they ASSUME only Ian would know, the name of his future child.  The texter responds correctly, “Taylor.”

It’s ALLLLLIIIIIIIIVE!

Except, to be honest, I’m not entirely sure that text WAS from Ian.  After all, considering how much “A” knows about all the girls that nobody else does, who’s to say she couldn’t have picked up that specific piece of information about the name of Melissa’s future baby.  Regardless, the PLL girls are understandably pissing in their pants now.

But the real kicker comes at the end of the episode when GLOVED HAND reappears.  This time he or she has made an appointment with the Fields’ realtor to see their house.  While there, the person ERASES EMILY’S ENTIRE HARDDRIVE, including all the incriminating DVD’s thereon. 

OK, I’m sorry, but Emily must be a friggin moron.  Why the HELL would you leave your VERY VALUABLE laptop out in the open when LOTS OF RANDOM people would be stopping by to SEE YOUR HOUSE?  Didn’t what happened to Spencer’s laptop at the dance last season teach you anything? 

More interesting than Emily’s stupidity though, is the fact that Gloved Hand HAS to be an adult.  After all, a Realtor wouldn’t in good faith show a home for sale to a TEEN, like Jenna, Mona or Noel, would they?  This little clue would serve to point a finger to some of the OLDER suspects on the show, like, for example, Police Boy Garrett, Ali’s brother, Jason, Anne Sullivan, or even Fitzy.  Then again, “A” could still be a teen who merely HIRED someone to do this for him or her.

“OK . . . now, I’m totally confused!”

And, there you have it:  our first Season 2 PLL episode, in a VERY LARGE nutshell.  Did it live up to your expectations?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Hard-Hearted Hanna – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Someone to Watch Over Me”

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Enough with all the friggin arts and crafts, “A”?  What’s next?  A Pretty Little Liars Diorama that you explode in your microwave at the end of the episode?

This week, on the penultimate episode of Pretty Little Liars, we got even MORE evidence that “A” hates Hanna and Spencer WAY more than she (or he) hates Emily and Aria.  I mean, let’s face it, aside from a bit of unfounded jealousy, Emily had a fairly stress-free episode, one that ended with her getting some serious nookie.  And as for Aria .  . . well . . . any problems SHE experienced this week arose from her own idiocy (SERIOUSLY!), and the douchebaggery of her dad and little brother, respectively.  But Hanna and Spencer?  Their lives are kind of sucking ASS right now, aren’t they?

Let’s get on with the recap, shall we?

A+B = Spencer is SERIOUSLY SCREWED!

Kudos to the set designer for making Spencer’s room EXACTLY as we would expect it to be — sparsely decorated, obnoxiously spotless, and filled with every single solitary room organizing tool EVER sold on the Home Shopping Network . . .

Not so kudos to the WARDROBE department, for dressing Spencer in my favorite sweater from when I was 8-years old . . .

When the episode begins, Spencer and Emily have just arrived home from school.  Spencer is bitching about how her distractions at home are starting to impact her ability to understand Algebra.  How can possibly she figure out the value for “X”, when she has suddenly become the “X” factor in her own life? 

It’s a true dilemma!

Now, maybe I’m being nitpicky, but two things surprised me about this scene: (1) The Academically Elite Spencer is taking Algebra her junior year.  (Shouldn’t she be in Pre-Calculus or Advanced Placement Geometry, or some other class for mathletes, like herself?) (2) Spencer and Emily are in the same math class.  (Don’t get me wrong.  Emily seems like a total sweetheart.  And she may even have more common sense than some of the other Pretty Little Liars *cough Aria cough.*  But Little Miss Future Olympic Swimmer just never quite struck me as the academic overachieving type.)

Anyway . .  .  Spencer’s mom rushes downstairs to warn Spencer that the police obtained a warrant to search the Hastings home, and, specifically, Spencer’s room, for evidence linking her to Alison’s death.  Spencer, understandably horrified and frightened, asks her attorney mother to make the police leave.  Unfortunately, the warrant gives the police a right to be there.  So, Spencer’s mom’s hands are tied. 

As the police are searching Spencer’s room, Creepy Pedo Ian (who never seems to leave the house, forever lingering, like the smell of mildew on an overused sponge) further expemplifies his creepiness and pedophilia, by smirking at Spencer’s bed, and slowly / seductively drinking MILK from a glass . . .

Milk . . . it does a body creepy . . .

For Heaven Sakes Aria, THINK before you TEXT!

“Uh oh!  It looks like I accidentally deleted “My Brain” from my “Contacts” list.  I guess I’ll just have to make do without it, this week!”

So, Aria’s parents have been sneaking around, not wanting to tell their kids their back together, until they can be sure their renewed courtship is “REAL.” Zzzzzzzzzzz . . .  And I just fell asleep typing that sentence . . .

NEWSFLASH PLL Writers:  We don’t care about THESE TWO as a couple!  NOBODY ships Ella and Byron!  NOBODY!  So, stopping rubbing this storyline in our faces, PLEASE!

Since Aria already CAUGHT her parents macking in the library (ICK!), and her little brother seems to have also caught them in the act this morning, Montgomery Ma and Pa decide that the family should get together for dinner later that week to “discuss things.”

But lest you think this storyline won’t be funny at all, THIS happens . . .

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In case you didn’t catch that, here’s what Aria wrote:  “Thinking of your eyes.  How I want to be looking into them right now.  This second.  XO Aria.”  — AKA The LAMEST SEXT EVER!

And then THIS happens . . .

BUSTED!

OK . . . so we know that Aria was sending a text to her FITZY (who was noticeably absent this week), and sent it to her MOM instead.   Now, here’s what I don’t understand.   Personally, my mother is listed in MY cell phone Contacts Lists as “Mom.”  But I can understand how some folks cooler than myself (and Aria’s definitely cooler than I am) would put their Mom in their Contacts List under her first name. 

And, if Aria did this, then, YES, “Ella” would be close to “Ezra” on her list.  These names would probably even be next to one another on MOST people’s cell phones.  But NOT on ARIA’S phone . . . because she has “EMILY” as a contact.  DUH!

“What am I?  Chopped LIVER?”

So, it’s kind of hard for me to believe that Aria “accidentally” skipped over TWO names to send a text to the VERY wrong person.  I mean, it’s not like she was drunk or anything . . .   Or was she? 😉

Careful, Aria!  Drink more of that, and you may text us all of your secrets!

At the end of the day, Aria’s mom confronts Aria about the Phantom Text.  But Aria refuses to confess the textee’s identity, wryly noting that family members should be entitled to their privacy. like, for example, the ability to privately bone your husband in a school library.  Aria’s mom reluctantly accepts her daughter’s wishes, which makes her seem about ten times cooler, in my book., than she ever did before.

But then EEEEVVVVIL hypocrite Papa Montgomerycomes along. 

When he hears that Aria has a secret boyfriend, he ABSOLUTELY thinks he has a right to know that person’s identity so that he can try to score a date with the guy, himself.  To make matters even douchier, while Aria is out of the house, her dad starts snooping around her room for clues.  He ALMOST comes upon a book that Ezra personally inscribed for Aria, when Aria’s mom stops him.  (Wow, I’m really liking her this week.  Weird!)

Taking a lesson in sarcasm, and passive aggressiveness, from her daughter, Aria’s mom casually notes that maybe her daughter wouldn’t think it necessary to keep secrets from her family, were it not for her own father secretly whoring around with one of his students.  Aria’s dad, of course, is TOTALLY offended by this, and refuses to admit to his own wrong doing.  Aria’s little brother then walks in on the pair fighting, and, COMPLETELY blames Aria for it.  Because, apparently, the apple doesn’t fall too far from the Douchey Tree .  . .

“Douchey is as douchey does, sir.”

Aria’s brother wants Aria to singlehandedly fix their parents’ marriage, since her having a secret boyfriend is OBVIOUSLY the reason it’s broken, and not the whole “Dad’s a Cheating Deadbeat” thing.  But, before Aria can make up a fake boyfriend to tell her parents about, she and her brother head down to Family Dinner, to find out that their Mom is a no show . . . again. 

Way to suck up your pride, and put on a brave face for your kids, ARIA’S MOM!  I guess I spoke too soon when I said I like you . . . On the other hand, you can do WAYYYYY better than Aria’s Asshat of a DAD . . . So, I’m kind of torn . . .

Knowing that she has to STOP being such a MORON when it comes to appropriately hiding her inappropriate relationship with her teacher, Aria decides to hide all her Fitzy Memorabilia (Fitzyabilia?) with Emily for safe keeping . . .  The ironic thing, of course, is that MOST of the stuff she gives to Emily, NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND would trace to Fitzy.  Case in point, THIS . . .

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Really Aria?   A PLASTIC SPOON from your first date?  What exactly do you think your parents are going to do with THAT?  Swab it for DNA?

Now, for all you Ian Harding fans out there who found yourself missing your Fitzy Fix this week, I’ve got a little surprise for you . . .

That’s right, boys and girls!  Apparently, Fitzy tweets now!  And you can catch all his Fitz-alicious goodness right here: http://twitter.com/IANMHARDING

(So, don’t say I never gave you anything, Fitzy fans!)

Falling Out of the Closet

In completely unrelated news (actually, all four stories were, pretty much, unrelated to one another, this week), Emily spied Back-to Bad-Haircut Paige flirting with Dull as Dishwater Sean . . .

And Emily was MAJORLY JEALOUS, even though (1) Paige is SO OBVIOUSLY gay; and (2) even if Paige was straight, she’d never, go for a lame-o like Sean!  (Sure, Hanna did it once, but only because she was feeling chubby and insecure, at the time.)

Later, Sean asks Emily if Paige is single, and if she could put in a good word for him.  He did this, despite the fact, that as one of Hanna’s besties (and someone who watches PLL), Emily should have ABSOLUTELY ZERO “good words” to say about Sean . . .

But because Emily is a much nicer person than I am, she simply tells Seany-poo that her and Paige aren’t really friends.  So, she’s not really in the position to help Sean get laid by her.  SORRY!

But because they ARE actually friends (with benefits), Emily warns Paige that she thinks Sean is going to ask her out.  So, Paige should come up with a good excuse as to why she can’t date him NOW, and let him down easy.

The problem is that Sean already ASKED out Paige . . . and she  . . . wait for it . . . said YES!

Needless to say, Emily is pretty depressed about this news . . .

“I am pretty depressed about this news.”

That is . . . until Paige comes right to Emily’s house, fresh from her “date,” all tarted-up and ready for a Booty Call . . .

I get why she wore THIS to the karaoke bar, but why Paige wore a super sparkly stripper dress on a Group Date to the Movies is beyond me . . . Wardrobe Department FAIL!

Surprise, surprise!  Paige doesn’t like Sean.   (NO ONE DOES!)  In fact, the sheer awfulness of macking with that lame-o, has the impact of THROWING PAIGE RIGHT OUT OF THE CLOSET!  (Who says, a kiss is just a kiss?  Right!)

And I have to say, I really feel for Paige, as she contemplates the prospect of coming out with Emily.  Her eyes tear up.  Her lip quivers.  She is clearly terrified.  The actress, Lindsay Shaw, portrays Paige’s heart-wrenching range of emotions beautifully; I must say.  It’s not HER fault she has a bad stylist . . .

 “If I say it out loud, my whole world will change,” Paige explains sadly.

I love how patient and sensitive Emily is with Paige, when a lesser person, would probably be tossing out smug “I told you so’s” left and right. in her situation.  “I didn’t come out of the closet.  I fell out on my face,” Emily explains adorably.

Then, Emily tells her Next Fling, that, back when she was trying to be straight, she always went for guys just like Paige . . .  Domestic Abusers?  Gay Folks in Search of Beards to hide their true identity?  Swimmers with Bad Haircuts? folks who would “pull her on stage” and make her do things that scared her.  (Yeah . . . that still doesn’t explain Wife Beater Ben . . .)

Then the pair sit together on Emily’s little window seat, hold hands, and kiss . . .

And I must admit that these two are starting to grow on me.  But I still want Paige to get a haircut . . . and a stylist . . .

Don’t MESS with Hanna Marin!

Back at the Marin home, Hanna and Caleb are making breakfast AGAIN, and flirting AGAIN, just like any good couple, who just had sex for the first time, would be.  Then Caleb leaves for a moment.  So, Hanna takes the opportunity to go digging in his bag for condoms goodies.  

What she finds is the UGLIEST, MOST TACKY, owl necklace I have EVER SEEN!

And yet, Hanna is completely BLIND to the hideousness of this owl, as she is convinced that it is a Secret Gift from Caleb to her.  After all, they did see OWLS on the night they screwed!

So, she snaps a picture of it, and brags to her friends about the awful  generous gift her boyfriend is about to give her. 

But all is not well in Haleb land.  We learn this, when Aria and Emily overhear Caleb talking on the phone with a woman who APPEARS to be his ex-girlfriend, who is stalking him.  He keeps telling the girl on the phone that he “can’t do this anymore,” because he is living at “her” (Hanna’s) house.

“Peekaboo!  We see you!”

Being the good pals that they are, Emily and Aria immediately confront Hanna about what they learned.  Hanna gets VERY defensive.  Caleb can’t be a liar!  Because Hanna would NEVER have sex with a liar . . . would she?  As if on cue, Blind Jenna arrives wearing around her neck . . . you guessed it  . . . that UGLY ASS OWL NECKLACE . . .

Now it’s Super Sleuthing Spencer’s turn to STALK!  She follows Blind Jenna outside, and sees her using the Ugly Owl Necklace as a Flashdrive . . .

So, basically, Caleb gave the Ugly Owl Necklace to Blind Jenna, NOT because he’s boning her, and NOT because he has terrible taste, but because he’s feeding her information . . .

When Hanna hears this, she astutely recalls how Toby heard Jenna talking on the phone about the number 214, and tries that combination on Caleb’s locker . . .

Let’s ignore the fact that the picture shows Hanna stopping at number “5” instead of  “4”

Surprise!  Surprise!  Caleb’s locker OPENS!

Inside ,she finds . . . wads and wads of CASH . . . just hanging out . . . waiting to be discovered . . . or stolen.  (COME ON, CALEB!  We know you’re POOR, but I seriously doubt you don’t own an envelope, in which to stash your dirty money.  I’m sure the school has plenty in the main office, for you to steal.)

At home, Hanna confronts Caleb about what she learned . . .

Caleb reluctantly admits to “spying” on Hanna (So, THAT’s what the kids are calling it these days . . .  “spying”) for cash from Blind Jenna.  Her Blindness apparently, not only bribed Caleb, but blackmailed him as well, after finding out how he rigged Emily’s phone, so that she could get illegal calls into Maya at De-Gaying Camp.  Screwing for money . . . that makes you a whore, Caleb . . .

But Caleb insists that his feelings for Hanna are real.  And that he stopped working for Jenna the minute his hot dog went inside Hanna’s bun.  All the information he gave Jenna on that flash drive was false. 

Unfortunately for Caleb, Hanna doesn’t give two sh*ts.  She hands the Dirty Dog his bags, and kicks him out into the street.  Harsh!  Hope you like that park bench, Caleb!  Because something tells me that you might be living there for awhile!

Back at school, the PLL’s are admiring their reflections in the bathroom mirror.  (Is it just me, or do all these girls spend a TON of time in bathrooms, and in front of mirrors?).  Then, they hear a familiar noise . . . it sounds like thunder clapping in the night.  It sounds like the End of the World.  It is . . . Blind Jenna’s CANE OF DESTRUCTION!

 

Thinking fast, Hanna traps Blind Jenna right in front of . . . you guessed it . . . the bathroom mirror.  (Again . . .why are you always LOOKING at yourself in the mirror, Blind Jenna?)

Sensing someone behind her, Blind Jenna tenses up, and slowly turns around.  Then THIS happens . . .

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My sentiments exactly . . .

Then, Hanna, reminding us of the Mean Girl she was for the first three or four episodes of this show, cooly hands Blind Jenna back her glasses, and tells her, without emotion, “It’s Hanna . . . in case you couldn’t guess.”

Well, that’s gotta suck . . .

At home, in the comfort of her bathroom (Where else?), Hanna begins to mull over her lost first love, and lost diginity.  She then finally breaks down in tears.  From outside the door, Hanna’s mom listens to her daughter sobbing.  She wants desperately to soothe her pain.  Yet, she doesn’t know how . . .

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The final scene of the episode features “A” LITERALLY smashing Hanna’s glass heart to bits, and mailing it back to her, along with some glue.  Next time, try for a metaphor that’s a bit less obvious, A!

The Walls Close in on Spencer . . .

As I mentioned earlier, Hanna is not the only miserable Pretty Little Liar this week.  Poor Spencer has a police investigation looming over her head.  Fortunately, she’s made a new “friend” who knows EXACTLY what she’s going through.  Of course, I’m referring to the Character Formerly Referred to as Creepy Toby, Now Abs Toby.

When Toby comes over to visit, he warns Spencer that cops are staking out her house.  She replies, by telling him that he probably shouldn’t be seen with her, now that’s she’s, like, wanted for murder . . . and stuff.  But Abs Toby is not that easily deterred . .  . “People cross the street when they see me coming.  They think you tried to frame your brother-in-law for your friends’ murder.  Who else are we going to hang out with?”   Abs Toby inquires, quite rationally, I think.

A real pro at being watched by the cops, Toby cleverly instructs Spencer to go outside, and offer the Stake Out Crew cups of coffee, in order to show them that  (1) she knows they are there; and (2) she is not afraid of them.  Seeing as this was probably the SAME Stake Out Crew that used to hang out outside Toby’s house, I’d say these guys are starting to consider Free Coffee a regular job perk.  Of course, they’d all probably much prefer staking out Hanna’s house.  Because there, Hanna’s mom shows them that “she knows they are there, and “is not afraid of them”, by giving them Free Sex . . .

And sex ALWAYS beats coffee . . .

Anyway . . . Spencer and Abs Toby share a sweet moment, in which Spencer asks Toby about the time she saw him sitting in an alley, after he ran away from home . . .

Apparently, running away is kind of a regular occurrence for Abs Toby.  As for Spencer, she only away once, back when she was little.  Her and her sister had been in a fight, and her parents took her sister’s side, as per usual.  So, Spencer made a tuna sandwich, and escaped to the movies.  (Resourceful little girl, that one!  Sure beats hanging out in a dirty alleyway!)  But then, she got lonely, and went home.  Her self-absorbed family never even REALIZED their little girl was gone!  (Family FAIL!)

Abs Toby looks at Spencer with obvious adoration and sympathy, and, grabbing her hand, makes her promise him that, if she ever wants to run away again, she will call him first.  All together now . . . “AWWWWWWWWWW!”

By the way, speaking of Spencer’s absentee fam, how come nobody seems to notice that Melissa keeps randomly disappearing for episodes at a time, while Creepy Pedo Ian just sticks around, like the fungus he cleary is!  My theory:  Creepy Pedo Ian killed Melissa, chopped her up into itty pieces, put them in a blender, then drank them up . . . like a milkshake . . .

“I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE!”

As for Creepy Pedo Ian, he’s looking extra special spooky, as he waits in the dark for Spencer to emerge from her late night run. 

Apparently, Creepy Pedo Ian wants to help Spencer run away from home (Am I noticing a THEME here?), so that he can grow his hair long, assume Spencer’s identity, and kill all her friends, while dressed as her the cops can’t arrest her. 

“I can’t BELIEVE I thought you were cute in Final Destination 3!”

Spencer knows that this will make her look SUPER guilty, which, obviously, is exacty what Creepy Pedo Ian wants.  So, she tells him to stick his runaway plan . . . and his milk . . . where the sun don’t shine.

But just when she thought her day couldn’t get any worse, Spencer’s mom wakes her up in the middle of the night, and tells her that the police found fibers of Toby’s Puke Green Sweater / Alison’s Death Outfit on that cheapo name bracelet Alison gave Spencer gave Spencer, before she died.  “I think someone is going through a great deal of trouble to make you look guilty,” Spencer’s mom, never one to sugar coat things, admits.

Mother and daughter then share a tearful and heartbreaking  hug, as the curtain closes on this, the penultimate episode, of Pretty Little Liars . . . 

See you after the finale!

[www.juliekushner.com]