Why You Should Always Be Kind to the Elderly . . . – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Princess Dowry”

It looks like no one bothered to tell Cece Rhodes that Wakes aren’t typically the kind of “party” for which one sends out invitations . . .

Character development . . . it’s what savvy TV viewers expect from their favorite long-running shows.  If a viewer has been watching the same television show for four or more years, there’s a good chance that she’s grown and changed quite a bit, since the pilot episode aired.  Therefore, she naturally expects her favorite television characters to have evolved during that time as well.

The way I see it, there are four essential elements to solid character development in a television series: (1) believability; (2) subtlety; (3) consistency; (4) and maintenance of the essential characteristics that helped viewers fall in love with the characters, in the first place.

Clearly, there’s a significant portion of the GG fanbase (myself included) who have been frustrated with the show of late.  Those who are satisfied with the show, in its current incarnation, will tend to blame OUR dissatisfaction on the fact that we are Chair fans, and our ship currently isn’t on “top”, storyline-wise.  That’s true.  🙂

However,  I also think such a summation over-simplifies the issue a bit.  I would argue that, as GG fans generally, and Chair fans specifically, our main gripe with the show has less to do with the fact that Chuck and Blair are “broken up” right now  (We are used to that. :)), and more to do with issues related to “character development.”

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On a more positive note, I will say that, as a whole, I found “The Princess Dowry”  though admittedly a bit predictable in some of its so-called “plot twists” to be markedly more enjoyable than the two episodes that preceded it.  Interestingly enough, much of the credit to that goes to a character that spent the entire episode in a mahogany box.  That Grandma Cece!  She sure knows how to throw one hell of a wake (no pun intended). . .

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Let’s review, shall we?

Where there’s a will, there’s a wake . . .

We begin our story at the office of an anonymous funeral director.  Lily thanks him for seeing her on such short notice.  So, Funeral Director Guy jokes that in his business, there tends to be little in the way of “advance notice.”  (Ahhhh . .. nothing like a little DEAD PEOPLE humor to put you in the mood for a GG episode . . .)

Interestingly enough, Funeral Director Guy’s not particularly funny joke actually doesn’t apply to Cece.  As a matter of fact, Grandma has known of her inevitable demise long enough to plan a funeral with as much flare and gusto as most women put into their weddings!  She even scheduled her own wake . . . to occur at Lily’s house . . . the morning immediately following her death . . . which is . . . wait for it . . . RIGHT NOW.

Talk about getting the last laugh!  Grandma Cece really is the best Master Manipulator on this show.  Please GG writers, have her haunt the characters from beyond the grave, this season.  I can think of a few characters in particular that could use a good haunting . . .

Meanwhile, over at the Empire Hotel, Lola and Nate are engaged in a post-coital morning cuddle.  (Well, that was fast.  She’ll fit RIGHT in, here on the Upper East Side.)

(Screencaps for this recap have been provided by Home of the Nutty.)

Nate casually slips in that he took the day off from work to be with Lola.  This reminded me that Nate actually seems to be the only Upper East Sider who’s currently gainfully employed.  (I guess Chuck’s employed too.  But the only kind of work I can actually picture him doing, is taking Monkey for a walk, and occasionally rolling around on his bed amidst massive piles of his own money .  . . with Blair . . . naked.)

Nate is clearly one of those guys who interrupts sex to ask you about your “feelings.”  He wants Lola to “talk” to him about this new family she recently discovered that she had.  But Lola doesn’t want to talk about her “feelings” or her “family.”  In fact, she thinks her new family sucks monkey balls.  She’d like to go back to having sex, thank you very much.  Unfortunately . . .

“RING, RING, RING”

Lola: “Hello?”

Serena: “Hi, New Family Member.  I hope I’m not interrupting anything.”

Lola: “Nope.  Just boning one of your many ex-boyfriends.”

Serena:  “It was bound to happen sometime!  Listen,  I know you said you don’t want anything to do with your new family, and stuff.  That’s cool.  I just called to invite you to hang out with me today . . . at my house . . . where our grandma’s wake is . . . I absolutely promise you there will be no family members at our grandma’s wake.  P.S. I always lie.”

Lola: “OK, I’ll come, but only because the plot requires me to be a total idiot, and not think things through AT ALL.”

Serena: “Welcome to my world!”

Out in the kitchen, Chuck is helping Nate make espresso.  (Don’t they have servants for that?)

Because this isn’t homoerotic at all  . . .

He’s super excited, because he now knows that Dan sent that video to Gossip Girl that ruined Blair’s royal wedding.  Chuck knows that trust is super important to Blair.  So, he figures that once Blair knows Dan for the trust betraying, scheming, Donut that he is, she won’t let him eat her face, anymore.

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 Seems like a pretty fail safe plan, right?  WRONG!  But for now, let’s just allow poor Chuck the only happy moment he experiences in the entire episode . . .

Speaking of scheming, trust betraying, face-eating, donuts with no sense of style, Humpty Humphrey arrives at Blair’s house to kidnap her for another “fun date” . . . one that will likely be spent watching the kind of dull, pretentious, films that people only pretend to like, when they want others to think they are intelligent.  Blair promptly declines the invitation (Golly gee, I wonder why?).  She then informs the Donut that she has to stay home and wash her hair / fantasize about sex with Chuck wait for her step dad to call about a possible loophole in her prenuptial agreement with Louis-bot.

“Psst telemarketer.  I really want this annoying Donut to leave my house.   So, if you pretend to be my stepdad, while I talk to you in French for a few minutes, I promise to buy your entire month’s quota worth of Pajama Jeans.” 

Having had to compete with the likes of Sexy Studly Chuck, Pretty Nate, and scores of richer, more attractive, guest stars for five seasons, Donut Dan is certainly no stranger to rejection.  It’s just another day in Humphreyland!  No big deal!  Besides, now that he’s dateless, he can go check out that Super Cool Wake, he’s heard so much about . . .

“I love wakes and funerals.  Whenever I go to them, I’m always the life of the party.” 

Hurricane Georgina rides again

Dan isn’t the only one eager for Dawn of the Dead: Upper East Side Edition.  Georgina Sparks is also psyched to go to the hottest wake in town.  After all, spending hours in front of the computer as Gossip Girl, has put a major crimp in her social life /world domination plans, of late.  (“I’m beginning to feel like a stay-at-home mom,” moans the teenage mommy.)

Interestingly enough, Georgina’s gripes about the “job” in question actually offer a surprisingly big clue as to who the real Gossip Girl might be.  Being a 24-hour a day, seven day a week gossip columnist takes TIME, and patience.  Clearly, Gossip Girl is not one of these Upper East Siders, who spends all their time partying with the main characters of the show.  Rather, this person likely spends most of their time alone in front of their computer, reading countless e-mails from people who wouldn’t give her the time of day, if they passed her on the street.

Just some food for thought . . .

Anywhoo, even though Georgina might be “so over” being Gossip Girl, she clearly cares enough about the position to not want to leave it unattended, while she’s off wake crashing.  And so, Georgina decides to leave GG responsibilities to her adorable oaf of a husband, Rufus 2.0.  Looking back, Georgina’s instructions to her house boy on how to be Gossip Girl might have been a bit oversimplified.  When she told the guy to post any e-mailed tips he found interesting, she wrongly assumed he’d know to paraphrase them . . . or, at the very least, remove the e-mail address from which they were sent before posting them.

Here’s hoping Baby Milo gets his mother’s brains, otherwise he’s going to have to be one of those kids who spends his entire life wearing a helmet, because he can’t stop walking into walls  . . .

Interestingly enough, Georgina’s date for the wake is none other than Faux Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena, herself.  Apparently, the latter has kept that damn napkin with Georgina’s phone number printed on the back for over a Season.  Now,  that’s just unsanitary . . .

Then again, so is this  . . .

Anyway, something tells me this female duo won’t be winning Prom King and Queen at this wake . . .

Wakey, Wakey . . .

Now, I’m not Irish.  But, if I ever had a wake, I think I’d probably like it to look something like Cece’s, with bagpipes, and the band, and everyone chugging beer, and shots of whiskey.

 “OK, here’s how you play the Cece’s Wake Drinking Game.  Take a shot everytime someone says the words, ‘You should leave.’“

It’s not at all the kind of “Goodbye Party,” I would have expected from the Rhodes Matriarch.  And yet, that’s precisely what makes it so much fun.  Actually, that’s not true.  What makes it so much fun, is how utterly uncomfortable the entire affair makes the stuffy, straight-laced, Lily.

Somewhere up in Heaven, Cece Rhodes is already laughing her ass off . . . and the party is just getting started . . .

All hail, Chuck Bass.  He has arrived at the wake ready to win back his lady love.  (You know, because funerals and wakes are great places to pick up chicks, just ask Will Ferrell’s character in Wedding Crashers.)  Once Chuck learns that Blair might have found a way out of her prenup, and into the flanneled arms of that soggy stale Donut Dan, he quickly sends Gossip Girl an e-mail encouraging the latter to out Dan for his little excursion into documentary film making.

You would think, by now, these people would learn to contact Gossip Girl using anonymous e-mail addresses, or at least be smart enough not to SIGN the blasts.  Of course, most days, this doesn’t matter, since the REAL Gossip Girl, and even Georgina were both smart enough to know how to redact personal identifiers from GG blasts.  Not Rufus 2.0 though.  Dim Bulb simply copies the entire contents of Chuck’s e-mail (e-mail address included), and publishes it on Gossip Girl.  (In Rufus 2.0’s defense, he might not actually know how to read.)

Chaos erupts amidst a wake, which is already filled with Rhodes’ bickering over silverware and antiques. Blair (who I guess decided not to stay home, after all .   . .  sorry Donut Dan) is already stomping over to Chuck, demanding an explanation.  She doesn’t believe what she’s reading.  Not Humpty Humphrey!  He wouldn’t do something so awful, would he?  (That would require him to have a personality.)

Ah, but he HAS done it.  And he’s willing to admit it too.  At this point in the story, I’m leaning forward in my chair, eagerly awaiting a long overdue Dan Humphrey Smackdown.  Then, two minutes later, I’m slumping back in that same chair, having already tossed my pillow at the television screen in disgust.

SHE FORGAVE HIM?  JUST LIKE THAT???  REALLY?  Is there no justice in this world?

While the dull pair is having their not-so-argument, Georgina takes this opportunity to steal Dan’s phone.  Does the fact that part of me was hoping she’d slather said phone with Ebola Virus, instead of just stuffing it in her purse make me a bad person?

A Tale of Two Charlies

Meanwhile, Lola has arrived on the scene.  and she is super pissed about having been tricked into attending her grandmother’s wake.  (Damn those inconsiderate dead family members, for interrupting Lola’s sex life!)  There’s a bit of a running gag, during which, every time Serena tries to introduce Lola to her “nice, down-to-Earth” family, they do and say something even more ridiculously greedy and money grubbing.

That said, Lola’s perpetual pussface does little to redeem the character in my eyes.  We have enough self-righteous, judgmental folks on this show, thank you very much . . .

What does endear Lola to me, a little bit, is the surprisingly understanding way in which she handles the presence of Charlie/Ivy/Call Me Serena.  While the rest of the VDW/Rhodes’ shun the red head, repeatedly asking her to leave, Lola willingly allies herself with her former imposter, in hopes that together, the two of them can finally figure out, why Lola’s AWFUL mother would go through so much trouble and expense, to hide Lola from the rest of her ostentatious and snobby family.

Take that 1%ers!

Answers may come for Lola, sooner than she thinks.  Not long after she arrives, Dr. VDW enters the building.  As it turns out, Cece chose Lily’s first of many ex husbands as the executor of her will.  Go figure.

“Hey Cece!  Good to see ya.  You’ve never looked better!”

For a guy who was willing to play fast and loose enough with his medical license to convince his ex wife she was dying of cancer, Dr. VDW sure seems to be a stickler for the rules of trusts and estates.  When Faux Charlie comes to sit in on the precedings, and the rest of the family wants her out, Dr. VDW insists that she stay, because “it’s what Cece wanted.”

“I swear!  Just ask her . . . oh, wait . . . nevermind.” 

Dr. VDW also doesn’t bat an eyelash, when he reads the provision of the will that provides that Cece more or less left her ENTIRE fortune (save for a few antiques and lame ass trinkets) to .  . . wait for it . . . IVY DICKENS.

That’s right, boys and girls.  Grandma Cece knew all this time, that Ivy was an imposter, who weaseled her way into the Rhodes family, intially for money, but ultimately for acceptance.  And Cece LEFT HER EVERYTHING ANYWAY.   Wow,  she must really hate her family, A LOT!

Like I said in the title of this blog, if you learn anything from this ridiculous episode of Gossip Girl, let it be this: respect your elders.  After all, you never know when they might be filthy rich, and willing to write you into their will . . .

Part of me wishes Cece was a bit more descriptive in her will, regarding why she chose to do what she did.  For one thing, the fact that she left no explanation for her actions, whatsoever, makes her will a whole lot easier for the VDW/ Rhodes to contest legally.   For another, part of me is just really curious, what happened between these two women from disparate generations (Ivy and Cece), during those last crucial few months, that made Cece experience such a drastic change of heart.

Perhaps it was the gin talking . . .

I mean, sure, Ivy needed the money far more than the VDW clan.  But that’s not a good enough reason to do what Cece did.  I’m hoping we get another flashback to flesh this storyline out a little more.   But I’m thinking we probably won’t . . .

Whatever Cece’s reasons for so royally screwing over her family, I can’t IMAGINE she suspected that Ivy would end up unceremoniously evicting Lily from her OWN house, on the day of the wake, claiming that the property now belonged to her.  Really?  Charlie/Ivy / Call Me Serena?  THESE are the actions of a woman who “fell in love with the Rhodes” family?  I know they were mean to you, when they found out the truth, Ivy-kins, but still  . .. that’s a pretty darn evil thing to do.

My guess is that Ivy won’t actually end up doing it.  And that the gesture was just her way of asserting authority against the Rhodes.  But hey, what the heck do I know?

In other news, Dr. VDW, who apparently never met a Rhodes he didn’t wanna f*&k, just learned that he’s actually Lola’s father, and will owe a crap load of money in back child support payments, if he doesn’t become Carol Rhodes’ b*tch . . . again.  That makes Lola, more than just Serena’s cousin . . . She’s also her HALF SISTER.  Predictable.  Shocking, I know . . .

“Is there anyone on this show I’m NOT related to?” 

“ME!  Well, at least I hope I’m not related to you . . . It certainly wouldn’t be the first time someone committed incest on this show.” 

“You are the only good thing in my life,” Lola pouts to Nate. .  .  the man she met just one episode ago, as the two head back to the Empire to make up for lost sex time.  How’s that for pathetic?  But Lola might just find that she’s very wrong, indeed, about that assessment.  Toward the end of the episode, Dr. VDW calls his long lost daughter, to take her up on her offer that he help her investigate her family secrets.  However, something tells me that HIS particular paternity secret, will be one he won’t offer up so freely . . .

Don’t do it, Blair .  . .

Have you ever watched a horror movie at home, and spent half the time screaming the following things at your television:  “DON’T GO IN THERE!”  “LOCK THE DOOR!”  “HE’S GOING to CHOP YOUR HEAD OFF.”  “DON’T JUST STAND THERE, LOOKING SCARED, RUN, YOU MORON.”

Well, that’s kind of how I felt, watching Blair in “The Princess Dowry.”  Throughout the entire hour, I watched her move ever closer, to a Donuty Doom.  I knew it was coming.  And I dreaded it like the plague.  But no matter how loud I screamed at the television screen, I couldn’t protect Blair from acting like a brainwashed Stepford Wife . . .  It was quite frustrating, really.

Anywhoo . . . when we last left our Queen B, she had just forgiven Donut Dan for trying to ruin her wedding and her life, with that video.  Enter Blair’s Minder with a convenient way out of this mess of a wedding.  As we learned from last week, this French twit is actually in LOVE with Louis-bot . . .

“See Blayerrrrgh, evaan roboths geth layeeed.”  (Translation: See Blair, even robots get laid.)

 . . .  making it in her best interest to see this wedding annuled.

Elsie the Minder’s theory, is that Blair is such a public relations disaster, that any other prospective wife (even a fellow robot like Elsie the Minder) would look good to the press, by comparison.  Therefore, provided Blair agrees to not speak to the press about the annulment,  Elise the Minder suggests that the Grimaldis will just let her out of the contract.

“Even though I am lying through my teeth, you believe every word I say, because my British accent makes me sound more trustworthy than I actually am.” 

Well now, that certainly doesn’t sound the Grimaldi’s I met this summer . . .

Rhymes with Ditch . . .

Nonetheless, Blair blindly and stupidly agrees to this, never once considering the possibility that she might be getting setup.  And setup, she ultimately is, when Chuck and Georgina send “Gossip Girl” i.e. Rufus 2.0 a picture of Dan raping Blair’s face on Valentine’s Day, in complete violation of Elsie the Minder’s so fake “annulment settlement terms.”

“AHHHH!  He’s suffocating me!  Make it stop!”

OK, so let me get this straight.  Chuck did this to KEEP Blair married to  Louis-bot and/or potentially bankrupt her . . . just because he doesn’t want her to be with Donut Dan?  I don’t buy it.  After all, wasn’t Chuck the one who offered to pay off the entire dowry, in the first place, because he knew Blair’s family couldn’t afford its exhorbitant sum?

Anyway, it takes next to no time for Blair to learn that the photograph in question came from Chuck and Georgina, not from Dan.  At the same time, Minder chick informs her that there was never really a settlment position on the table, in the first place.  (SURPRISE!)  Now, Blair doesn’t know WHO to believe.  So, Chuck digs the knife in, even deeper, by accusing Donut Dan of repeatedly keeping him away from Blair, so that the Donut could have her all to himself.  It’s an accusation which Dan readily accepts!

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And when Blair finds out, she’s so incredibly hurt and betrayed that she says. . . NOTHING?  Again, what the heck is wrong with this girl, lately?  The REAL Blair Waldorf wouldn’t have taken ANY of these injustices lying down.  But this one just pouts and walks away.  Come on, Blair, even Nate could have done better than that . . .

Toward the end of the wake, Blair sadly tells Chuck Bass that she LOVES him, but isn’t IN love with him . . . a sure sign that Blair has clearly lost her marbles, this season.  Here we are, finally, with no obstacles between these two individuals.  But Blair is inexplicably throwing in the towel on her own.  No me gusta.

Speaking of Chuck, he seeks out Lily for comfort shortly after his dumping.  “It’s different this time.  She’s had her brain devoured by Zombie Dan changed,” remarks Chuck sadly.

Well, that’s the understatement of the century!  Unfortunately, Lily has little intel to impart on the subject of Stepford-Blair Waldorf.  However, she does manage to offer up some other fairly pertinent information.  It turns out, as many of us suspected, Jack Bass was the one who actually saved Chuck’s life, by ensuring that the Dark Knight received a blood transfusion, following his car accident with Blair.

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The question is, was it actually Jack who made the pertinent donation . . . or was it Diana, who we all know Jack called just moments after Chuck was admitted to the hospital, and who many (myself included) have speculated is Chuck’s REAL bio mom . . .

In other news, Georgina calls somewhat of a truce with Blair, agreeing to fly to Monaco to end Blair’s sham of a cyborg marriage (using blackmail intel she learned during her Gossip Girl days, naturally), in exchange for a favor from Blair to be announced at a later time.  Blair mindlessly agrees, a decision (like the one in which she STUPIDLY chose Dan over Chuck ) that I am sure she will come to regret in a few weeks.  Oh, and did I mention that, before she left, Georgina shipped her entire GG laptop to SERENA, of all people?

Serena as Gossip Girl . . . again?  Gahhhh . . .  is this a repeat episode of Gossip Girl?

Toward the end of the episode, Blair goes to the Donut’s loft, determined to start what will undoubtedly be an incredibly boring, unfulfilling relationship, characterized by abysmal sex.  Hooray!

“Please don’t make me kiss him again.  Last time, my lips bled for hours afterward . . .”

Then, they eat eachother’s faces, for a while, and in between mouthfuls, Donut Dan explains how excited he is that Blair actually used his real name, for the first time since they met.

Yes, Donut Dan.  She knows your name.  Now, if that’s not the foundation for a successful relationship, I don’t know what is  . . .

And that was “The Princess Dowry,” in a nutshell.  When Gossip Girl returns in April, we will learn why Donut Dan is such a slug in the sack  . . . not that this is much of a surprise . . .  After all, the guy can’t even manage to walk to the nearest Supercuts to fix that awful hair of his.  How can we possibly expect him to navigate the delicate contours of a woman’s body.

Slug or Stud?  You decide . . .

 That said, the sex-pisode in question, actually looks kind of humorous (especially if you enjoy making fun of Donut Dan, as much as I do).  You can check out the trailer for the episode, here . . .

Somewhere on the Upper East Side, Chuck Bass is pumping his fist in triumph.

Until next time!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Kissing Cousins – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Kids Stay in the Picture”

“OK, men of Gossip Girl!  The race to my bed (and into my panties) begins RIGHT NOW!  On your mark . . . get set . . .GO!”

Welcome back, Upper East Siders!  Congratulations on surviving yet another interminable GG hiatus!  To reward your patience, Blair, Chuck, Serena, Dan and the rest of the gang (which, obviously, does NOT include Vanessa, because Vanessa sucks Monkey Butt)  wish to share with you five BRAND NEW hours of makeouts, makeups, breakups, betrayals, conspicuous consumption, fights, schemes gone horribly awry, and, hopefully, at least one or two SUPER HOT SEX SCENES . . .

And while this week’s episode of Gossip Girl, wasn’t exactly the most action-packed I’ve seen, it did set the stage for what looks like it will be a riveting final third of the season. 

So, slip into that ugly gold unitard, and smile for the camera . . . because this recap is about to begin!

Bed-ridden, Befuddled, and Bound for the Slammer . . .

“Have you really been in BED for the entire hiatus, Blair?  How have you NOT flunked out of college yet?”

The episode begins with the media camped outside the van der Woodsen’s home, as a result of Lily having FINALLY turned herself into the police, for forging her daughter’s signature on a legal document stating that Boring Ben statutorily raped her, back in the day.  Thank the LORD that storyline is FINALLY over!

SAYONARA, SUCKA!

Dorota, who knows how much Blair enjoys hearing about people who’s lives are worse than hers, traipses into Blair’s bedroom clutching the live news footage.  But Blair wants NO part of Serena’s Family Shame.  She is DEPRESSED, and, apparently, hasn’t left her bed for THREE WEEKS.  Of course, Mama Eleanor and Step Papa Cyrus haven’t noticed, because that would require a level of parenting simply unheard of on this show.

“We have a daughter?  So, THAT’S who’s been using the guest room all this time!”

Interestingly enough, Blair’s depression seems to have been triggered by the Saliva Swapping she engaged in with Dan Humphrey, about a month back . . .

That’s funny.  This image caused widespread depression among most Chair fans too!  Go figure!

Dorota, who assumes that Blair has “taken to her bed,” because she was fired from / quit her ridiculously unrealistic job as editorial assistant at W Magazine, gently reminds Blair that “Carmela Soprano” i.e. Edie Falco, didn’t become truly successful until age 40 . . .

The things you learn from watching Gossip Girl . . .

AGE FORTY?!  That’s like 92, in GOSSIP GIRL YEARS!  Fortunately, for Blair, she’s not going to have to wait that long.  As if, on cue, the phone rings.  It’s Epperley!   Remember THAT useless plot device of a character?

“Cheers!”

Back from her Epic Quest for Love in Bali, and ready to work once more, Epperley is now working on a photo book entitled “Modern Royalty,” which will feature photgraphs’ of Manhattan’s most elite families.  Now you would think that Blair, being a Waldorf, and the daughter of a famous fashion designer, would be the perfect person to be featured in that book.  But, conveniently, NO!  Epperley instead wants Blair to WORK at the shoot. 

“You have GOT to be kidding me?”

It’s a real testament to how much Blair Waldorf has grown over the seasons, that, not only is the Queen B, NOT upset over her family not being featured in the book, she is also TOTALLY willing to help Epperley with the event.  Soon after this phone conversation takes place, we learn that “hiring” Blair was not Epperley’s idea at all, but CHUCK’S!

“Game on, BITCHES!”

That’s right, boy and girls!  After having had his head lodged firmly up his ass, for the past five episodes, during that whole Raina Thorpe / Bass Industries nonsense, Chuck Bass has FINALLY remembered what (or, perhaps, I should say WHO) is important in his life.  And, now, he will stop at NOTHING to get what he wants . . .

“Someone told me something that made me want my own legacy, not my father’s. I can’t convince Blair of her place in it, until she’s feeling powerful again,” Chuck tells Epperley over the phone.

Chuck spends most of the early part of the episode calling various cast members to inquire after Blair.  “What has she been up to, while I was chasing a poorly written storyline Raina?  Has she been seeing anyone?”  He wonders. 

Watching these first scenes, I, of course, was THRILLED that Chuck was, once again, making a much-needed play for Blair’s heart (It’s about DAMN TIME!). 

Yet, already, I feared Chuck wasn’t going about things the right way.  Note to all you prospective suitors out there:  If you want to know what the girl of your dreams has been doing while you were “away,” and whether or not she still feelings for you, ASK HER!   Otherwise, there’s a good chance you won’t get the whole story.  Unfortunately, Chuck’s inability to get the “whole story” was what ultimately foiled his chances at long-lasting romance, this week.

“DOH!”

Meanwhile, over in Brooklyn, Dan and Mini van der Woodsen are wearing matching Farmer Flannel Shirts . . .

Weird . . .

With Nate over at the Bass Penthouse boning Raina, Poor Lonely Boy is lacking a dumping ground for his Girl Problems.  The sensitive (and currently storyline free) Mini VDW seems like a solid choice for the job of Dan’s Shrink of the Week.  “I kissed Blair,” Dan confesses, causing Eric (an obvious Chair fan) to double over in hysterical laughter.

Though Dan claims the kiss meant nothing, he does seem more than a bit curious as to how Blair felt about it, since she supposedly said NOT ONE WORD, after it occurred.  (Not a good sign Dan . . . NOT a good sign.)  Eric of course, sees right through his stepbrother’s false bravado.  “Omigod,” he exclaims, “You are ASS BACKWARDS crushing on Blair!”

“Well, duh!  Isn’t EVERYBODY on this show?”

Meanwhile, back at Lily’s place . . .

 You Stay Classy, van der Woodsens!

Meet Lily van der Woodsen, and two of her FIVE husbands.  Eat your heart out, Big Love!

While, the Waldorfs may not be “”sophisticated” enough to be included in the “Modern Royalty” book, Soon-to-be Convict Lily and Slutty Serena sure ARE!  However, since it is technically the “Rhodes” family, and not the van der Woodsens’ who will be featured in the book, this gives Lily’s Evil Mother Cece an excuse to invite Lily’s estranged older sister, Carol, to be included in the picture.  Though Carol seemingly wants NOTHING to do with Lily’s hoity toity Manhattan lifestyle, she, apparently, isn’t disgusted enough by it, to give up the opportunity to have her picture featured in a book celebrating the most Most Obnoxiously Wealthy Families in America.

“What do you say we have a Botox Party to celebrate?  For old time’s sake?”

Blatant hypocrisy aside, Sister Carol won me over immediately, due largely to her unparalleled ability to rip Lily’s upper crust lifestyle to shreds, in a manner that was both extremely effective and undoubtedly hilarious.  Ways in which Carol verbally slayed Lily included: (1) referring to Dr. VDW and Rugus as husbands numbered 1 and 5, respectively; (2) talking to Serena about her mother’s Brazilian wax jobs; (3) coming up with increasingly creative ways to “subtly” make reference to Lily’s impending jail time; and (4) suggesting that the theme for the family picture be Chicago, a broadway show, which also stars a hardened female criminal.

So, why would the “Modern Royalty” book want a dysfunctional family like Lily’s featured within its pages?  Actually .  . . they don’t.  The book publishers call to cancel the photo shoot, shortly after Carol enters the building.  Feeling sympathetic to a heartbroken Lily, Dr. VDW promises her that he will “work on it.”

Good Luck, Charlie!

Oh, look!  Another seemingly innocent blonde, who’s about to become corrupted by the UES lifestyle, and will eventually go batsh*t crazy, and try to ruin Serena’s life, as a result.  Because we’ve never seen THAT before, right?

Downstairs, in the lobby of the high rise where she lives, Serena is accosted by a young woman who looks SO much like her, they could be related.  “My family is not talking to the press,” asserts Serena haughtily, who’s self-absorbed arrogance convinces her that everyone in the world is a reporter, who’s life’s purpose is to interview HER.

As it turns out, “Charlie” is NOT a reporter!  And she IS related to Serena.  In fact, she’s Carol Rhodes’ daughter, which makes her Serena’s cousin.  Curious about the EEEEVVVIL branch of her family that her mother never allowed her to meet, Charlie decided to secretly follow her mother to New York City, and find out about the van der Woodsen’s for herself.  So, Serena decides to bond with her long-lost relative the only way she knows how having sex with her: They go SHOPPING!

Though not as deliciously nasty as Carol, the socially awkward Charlie also endeared herself to me, with HER characterization of the van der Woodsen family!  When asked by Serena, why her mother thought the VDW’s were “toxic,” Charlie replied, “Both you and your brother spent time in a mental institution.  Your dad gave your mom Fake Cancer.  And your mom sent some teacher to prison, just so you could get into a fance boarding school.”

“You forgot the part where my mother and I slept our way through every eligible (and some not-so-eligible) bachelors in the tri-state area!”

Meanwhile, Lily and Carol are, back at the house, strolling down memory lane as they flip through pictures of the failed pilot episode starring these two as teens them, from when they were growing up together, back in the 80’s.

This segways into a random discussion about a childhood dance routine (which Lily and Carol actually PERFORM for the camera . . . and it looks a little something like this) . . .

 . . . and .  . . get this . . . the Gold Unitards they wore during it.  Suddenly, Lily and Carol are ready to Spend Obscene Amounts of Money on Things They Don’t Need too . . . like Gold Unitards, which NO ONE over the age of FIVE should wear . . . trust me!  Of course, while shopping, Lily and Carol run into Serena and Charlie . . .

AWK-WARD!

Carol immediately begins scolding Charlie, in public, rambling on about how she doesn’t want HER daughter tainted by this Terrible Horrible Filthy Rich lifestyle to which the rest of the “Rhodes” family is already accustomed.  She then forces Charlie to return all the FABULOUS clothes she purchased (not to mention the priceless “family heirloom” Serena gave her) and head back to their spaceship HOUSE BOAT in Miami, ASAP.

But just when it seems like all hope of a family reunion is lost, Serena overhears CeCe remind her daughter Carol that SHE too has been receiving checks from Grandma Cruella Deville. for YEARS!  Serena tells Charlie this, which quickly prompts the young woman’s rebellion / decision to stay on the Upper East Side for a little while to cause more trouble for the Gossip Girl cast, like all recurring guest stars inevitably do“get to know her family.”

“Toto, I don’t think we are on the House Boat, anymore!”

Experiencing guilt over being such a hypocritical BIATCH to  her own baby sister, Carol ultimately agrees to let Charlie stay with the VDW’s.  (She even promises to visit Lily, while she’s in jail and smuggle her in pot brownies.   I KNEW I liked this chick, for a reason!) 

Of course, this is not before Carol ominously refers to some “event” that resulted in Charlie having to leave college, and warns her sister, Lily, to “watch out for [Charlie].”  Later, we see Carol leering at Charlie, as she flirts with Dan Humphrey, for the first time.  UH OH!  I think we all know where THIS is going . . .

“I REFUSE to be ignored, Lonely Boy!”

Oh, and just in case you actually cared, the van der Woodsen / Rhodes ultimately got to take their picture for the Modern Royalty book.  Dan was in the photograph, but Raccoon Zombie Jenny wasn’t, or Chuck, for that matter.  How RUDE! 

Hey!  Where are the Gold Unitards I was promised?

Speaking of family affairs you don’t really give two craps about, Nate Archibald is going to help Raina go on a mission to find her long lost mother, who, as we know, is (unbeknownst to Raina) burnt to a crisp, and dead as a doornail. 

 I hope they bring a shovel!

Finally, in the story you’ve all been waiting for . . .

Chuck wins back Blair . . . and loses her . . . again . . . in a matter of minutes

DAN:  “Are you here to fight for Blair’s honor?”

CHUCK:  “Nah, I just need to use your bathroom.  I have to piss like a racehorse!”

No one’s secrets are safe on Gossip Girl.  And when Blair admits to Epperley that she has experienced a “kiss that profoundly changed her,” Epperley immediately texts that information to Chuck.  So, of course, Chuck heads out, to find out who owns the “life changing lips” in question.  He visits Humphrey first.  And, within, minutes, the latter is just rambling on and on (and on . . . and on) about how WONDERFUL Blair is.  Chuck puts two and two together, and figures out that Dan Humphrey’s lips are the “Evil Culprits.”

“Yes, he can kiss you.   But the question is, can he give you HOT LIMO SEX?”

Determined to show up the competition, Chuck gets Epperley to invite Dan to the “Modern Royalty” photo shoot, under the guise of his being featured in the “up-and-comer” section.  Poor Misguided Humpty Dumpty immediately assumes that it was Blair that got him included in the book.  So, of course, he is thrilled at the prospect of her returning his affections. 

“She likes me!  She REALLY likes me!”

However, upon arriving at the shoot, Humphrey learns from Blair, herself, that this is NOT the case.

“DOH!”

In fact . . . get this . .  . Dan’s kiss was ONLY life-changing, in the sense that it made Blair realize that she NEVER WANTED TO DO IT AGAIN!  (Ouch!)  In fact, the only man she EVER wants to swap saliva with, for the rest of eternity, is . . . wait for it . . . CHUCK BASS!

But then, OF COURSE, Chuck, being CHUCK, has to go SCREW EVERYTHING UP, by confronting Blair with his extremely snobbish, and arrogant, scheme to show her that “Humdrum Humphrey” is not part of “their world.”   

(Dammit CHUCK!  You were SO CLOSE!  Why did you have to go and a be a . . . word that rhymes with your name, and starts with “F?” )

“Dan Humphrey may not be royalty, but at least he’s not a child,” argues Blair, before stomping off.

In an attempt to right his wrongs, Chuck later brings Blair into his dressing room and screws her brains out, like only he can shows her the original Princess Diana dress he bought for her (sweet . . . yet . . . at the same time . . . slightly morbid?).  You see, Chuck wants Blair to be in his photo for the “Modern Royalty” shoot, because SHE is his family . . .

All together now . . . “Awwwwwww!”

“We can build our futures together,” says Chuck.

“That’s funny.  Because, this morning, I came to same conclusion.  I was ready to be with you.  I thought you changed, but I can see you are not ready,” says Blair sadly.

She then exits stage left, leaving Chuck and his beautiful dress, all by themselves, thereby forcing the Big Bass to pose solo for the loneliest family portrait EVER!

Man, these characters can be SO frustrating sometimes!

Later, Blair confronts Dan, to apologize for the dirty trick Chuck played on him, and for telling Chuck that their kiss meant absolutely nothing, RIGHT IN FRONT OF DAN!  TO Dan’s credit, he takes rejection REALLY well. (I mean, given his history on this show, he’s GOTTA be used to this by now . . .) 

Heck, Dan was just happy Blair compared kissing him to kissing a DOG instead of a TOAD . . . (Talk about setting low standards for yourself!)

“Woof!”

But wait!  SOMEONE was listening in on Blair’s and Dan’s private conversation!  Golly gee, I wonder who it could BE?

SURPRISE!  It’s MAN-NESSA, the Psycho Stalker who Lives to Snoop, and who just so happened to be present at the photo shoot, as part of her NefariousPlan to Continually Cock Block Every Male on this Show! internship.

GG fans, I’m seriously thinking of starting a campaign to get this character hit by a BUS?  Anybody with me?

But it’s not bad enough that Man-nessa eavesdrops on Dan’s and Blair’s conversation.  SHE then decides, despite the fact that both members of the lip-locking party explicitly tell eachother that the kiss they shared meant nothing, to CALL SERENA and rat them out to HER!!!!

I’m serious about the whole Hit by a Bus Thing, by the way .  . . Or, maybe Chuck can throw her off the Empire State Building!  That would be pretty cool, right? 

The inability of Man-nessa to stay out of my favorite characters’ lives for any extended period of time, even though NOBODY LIKES HER ON THE SHOW, is doing something strange to me . . . it’s actually making me MISS THE RACCOON ZOMBIE!

Oh, the horror!

At the end of the episode, Dorota tucks a very distraught Blair back into bed.  “Why does love have to be so hard, Dorota?”  Blair whines.  “All I ever wanted was a simple fairytale. Kate Middleton has it!  And I have much shinier hair than she does! Although, she does have a better assortment of hats . . .”

True . . . on all counts.

To this, the wise Dorota replies, “Destiny is full of surprises.”

And then, in a not-so-big-surprise at least if you read the spoilers, like I do, Prince Louis emerges from his limosine, outside Blair’s home, carrying the shoe she left him in Paris, in true Cinderella fashion . . .

It looks like the race for Blair Waldorf’s heart, just gained another runner!  Better lace up those sneakers, Bass and Humphrey, because it looks like this one’s going to be a MARATHON.  XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

The Parent Entrapment – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Empire of the Son”

“So, when you get to jail, Lily, definitely tell Bernie Madoff I said ‘Hi.’  He never did pay me back that money I lent him . . .”

Well, this was a rather adult episode of Gossip Girl, right?  And no, unfortunately, I don’t mean that in a fun, NC-17 rating, kind of way.  Instead, I’m talking about the fact that LITERALLY everybody and their MOTHER got their own storyline tonight.  Heck, even BART BASS got thrown a bone from the Plotline Department . . . and he’s been dead for ALMOST TWO SEASONS!

 . . . praying that my Estate gets royalties for this . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

Happy Days are Here Again?

After a few pretty dark episodes, things actually seem to get off to a rather pleasant start, in “Empire of the Son.”  Chuck Bass, who, as you recall, was, just last week, in danger of losing Bass Industries to the odious Russell Thorpe, is now presumably “back on top.”  This, of course, is due to the deal he made with that Random Dude who agreed to buy an interest in his company, last week, so that Thorpe couldn’t destroy it. 

Now, Chuck, of all people, is being asked to ring the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange.  To me, this is pretty darn impressive, especially considering that, in four seasons, I never knew the character to wake up before Noon . . .

 . . . unless, of course, he had “special company” in his bed with him. 😉

Speaking of Blair . . . she’s doing pretty well too!  Though our Queen B was seen, just last week, getting FIRED, FAILING exams, eating PIZZA, and drowning her sorrows in old ass movies, screened in a Brookyln apartment, now our girl looks positively radiant.  She’s being nice to everybody!  She’s giving Serena advice about her Bland Boring Boyfriend Ben. 

Blair attributes this new sense of well being to a “Fast and Cleanse,” in which she has recently engaged.  On this, I call BS, from personal experience.  After all, the last time I, personally, “cleansed and fasted,” I literally almost killed about five people, out of sheer HUNGER . . . 

Yeah . . . you should really consider EATING, stat, if you care at all about your family and friends . . .

But, I’m not the only one who is doubtful as to the true source of Blair’s newfound happiness.  Blair’s sidekick, Dorota, is suspicious as well .  . .

Source

You know who else is doing well?  Nate.  After lord knows how many weeks just spent staring at the camera, and looking pretty, Boy Toy ACTUALLY has a sort-of storyline . . . plus, he’s getting laid . . .

Yes, boys and girls.  Things move fast in the Upper East Side.  And Raina, who was formerly Chuck’s flavor of the week, is now being slurped up by Pimp Daddy Archibald, right beneath Chuck’s nose!  Unlike Chuck and Raina, these two ACTUALLY share a modicum of chemistry.  As a result, watching this new couple interact and swap spit — while not a particularly thrilling sight — doesn’t immediately make me want to vomit.  So, that’s a start! 

“Thank you, writers, for FINALLY realizing that I am WAY TOO HOT to be perpetually celibate, on this show.  Now, if I could just get you to stop dressing me in these ridiculously dorky sweaters . . .”

Now, despite appearances, all is not necessarily rosy in the Upper East Side.  Serena is still macking with that Wet Blanket Ben . . .

But, hey!  At least this is causing her to ignore the stalkerish repeated phone calls and text messages from one ridiculously annoying,  Vanessa Abrams . . .

So, it seems the entire cast of GG (except for Vanessa) is happy, which is exactly how us fans like it.   And what’s a “happy” GG episode without a PARTY, right?  I mean what would all these disgustingly rich, and apparently alcoholic, Manhattanites, do with their lives, if they weren’t perpetually attending one of Chuck’s nightly “I Never Work, But Inexplicably Have Unlimited Income” Galas?

“And now let us call this meeting of the Upper East Side Chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous to order .  . . Cheers!”

But, of course, this is Gossip Girl.  And happy days can’t stay happy, for long . . .

You are ALL BUSTED!

“Oh, Russell . . . honey . . . we NEED to do something about your office.  Since when did it become OK for a high-powered executive to conduct business at a COFFEE TABLE?  I mean, you’re sitting so low to the ground, you might as well be on the floor!  And what exactly is that fire place doing behind you, anyway?  Is that your idea of a shredder?”  – Set Department FAIL!

Things start to take a turn for the worse, when Chuck arrives at Thorpe’s office, to gloatingly invite Russell and Raina to his Pointless Party of the Week.  It is then, that Russell accidentally / on purpose lets it slip that his daughter is currently out boning Mini Captain Archibald . . .

“Well, DAMN!  Now, I’m glad I gave her an STD!  Enjoy those crabs, Natey-poo!”

But Russell’s got even more tricks up his sleeve.  He’s recently sent one of his minions off to the dry cleaners, in order to kindly “suggest” an outfit for Lily van der Woodsen to wear to Chuck’s party . . .

“Hey Lily, I hear orange is the new black . . .”

Elsewhere, Wet Blanket Ben has suddenly stopped returning Serena’s Booty Calls . . .

Oh, the humanity!

When Serena confronts Wet Blanket Ben at Dan’s apartment (where he is currently crashing), to find out what the heck is going on, she encounters a very scary sight, indeed . . .

It’s the EVIL WENCH, WHO BROUGHT WET BLANKET BEN AND PSYCHO STALKER JULIET INTO THE WORLD!!!!

Of course, Evil Wench is LESS THAN PLEASED that her son has formed a relationship with the woman whose family pretty much singlehandedly RUINED HIS CAREER, and possibly, his life . . . They also, coincidentally, sent her daughter, Psycho Stalker Juliet off the Deep End. Oops!

Meanwhile Blair, who is clearly ashamed of the fact that she used to spend her nights attending lavish parties and having sex with Chuck in limos, but now spends them watching Netflix films, washing dishes by hand, and eating (gasp) pizza, has been hiding her friendship with Dan from the Upper East Side masses.

But even BLAIR’s deception tactics are no match for The Mighty Dorota . . .

Source

Dorota started to notice things were amiss, when she spied a NOVA DOCUMENTARY in Blair’s netflix queue!  (Oh, Blair . . . we REALLY need to talk!)  But then, when she found a copy of Dan Humphrey’s New Yorker magazine on Blair’s bed, things suddenly became clear to her . . .

“OH HELLLLLLL NOOOOOO!”

At this point, I should probably mention that Dorota is the BIGGEST CHAIR FAN EVER!  (She’s also, I suspect, a Derena fan.)  So, of course, the usually Happy Housekeeper is EXTREMELY UNHAPPY about this most recent turn of events.  And she vows to put a stop to it ASAP.

“I caught you, Dan Dishpan-Handed!”

“You and Lonely Boy are having an AFFAIR,” shouts Dorota, her face a hilarious mixture of triumph, shock, and horrified disgust . . .

Source

“We have to tell Mr. Chuck and Serena!” Dorota continues, digging the knife a little deeper into Blair’s heart.

To prove to Dorota, once and for all, that there is nothing going on between her and Dan, Blair decides to stand Lonely Boy up.  So, she fails to meet him at their appointed destination for the day, and, instead, decides to go shopping with Dorota. 

 Meanwhile, Dan, who is similarly concerned that his dad, Rufus, will find out that he and Blair have been hanging out (Yeah . . . I don’t really get why the Dad would give two craps, either), ditches Blair too, in order to hang out with his Pops . . .

So, of course the two Date Ditchers have to end up running into one another, at a completely different location than where they originally planned to meet . . .

(Gotta love those Madcap GG Hijinx!)  “I knew you would be my SOCIAL DEATH!”  Blair exclaims to Dan later. 

Deciding it would be best if they came clean to everybody about their new friendship, before ANYBODY ELSE finds out about it, Dan and Blair come up with a plan.  They decide to leak a blast to Gossip Girl about an “important announcement.”  Then, at Chuck’s party, they will reveal that the “important announcement” was actually a really LAME one, about the two of them sometimes watching movies together. 

Talk about a Bait and Switch!  I know, if I was Gossip Girl, I’d certainly want MY money back . . .

“Hey, at least the “important news” didn’t have anything to do with VANESSA!”

Baby Did a Bad, Bad Thing . . .

Back in Serena Land, Blondie is trying her hardest to win over Ben’s Evil Wench mom, by treating her to pizza.  (Seriously?  Since when did so many people eat PIZZA on Gossip Girl?)

Unfortunately, since Evil Wench is lactose intolerant (not to mention, Serena intolerant), the meal doesn’t exactly go well.  To make matters worse, Serena conveniently overhears Evil Wench telling Ben that he should sell out the van der Woodsens to save his teaching career.  This way, he can fall in love with, and possibly impregnate MORE 16 year olds  YAY!

Speaking of the whole Pedo Ben Fiasco, Serena’s mom arranges a meeting with Chuck to tell him about the “Orange Jumpsuit Affair.” 

Apparently, Lily (rightly, as it turns out) fears that Russell will try to blackmail her into ceding Bass Industries over to him, by threatening to reveal information regarding Lily’s illegal behavior, with respect to the aforementioned matter.  (Geez!  Dude just doesn’t give up, does he?)  Chuck promises to investigate (1) who leaked that information to Russell *cough Drug Dealing Damien cough;” and (2) whether the Real Estate Mogul has ACTUAL PROOF of Lily’s perjury, or is merely bluffing.

Lily, of course, suspects Wet Blanket Ben of leaking the intel.  And when ANNOYING VANESSA . . .

AGAIN . . . I REPEAT . . .

 . . . barges into La Casa de van der Woodsen, to inform Lily that Ben had Nate’s dad beat up in jail, her suspicions seem justified.  When Lily confronts Serena with this information, Blondie initially refuses to believe its true.  The problem, of course, is that the AFFIDAVIT, which is proof of Lily’s guilt in the Pedo Ben Affair, has suddenly gone missing.  And, aside from Serena, Wet Blanket Ben is the only one who knew where it was hidden .  . .

Serena vows to talk to Ben at Chuck’s party, hoping she can get him to reconsider his decision.

Elsewhere on the Upper East Side, Chuck .  . .

 . . . pretends to care that Nate and Raina are porking, when we ALL know, he only truly has eyes for one girl . . .

But, aside from this faux- confrontation, Chuck has REAL business to attend to, with Raina.  Specifically, he wants to warn her about what an ASSHAT her dad is!  When Raina refuses to believe Chuck’s statements, the latter arranges for Raina to learn of her dad’s Asshatedness on her OWN.  Chuck figures that Raina’s disapproval of Russell, might influence the Douchebag to drop his whole blackmail scheme, and simply admit defeat, like a Good Little Guest Star . . .

All is Revealed . . .

As is typical of GG episodes, everything comes to head at the Big Party of the Week.  There, Serena confronts Wet Blanket Ben . . .

“Sometimes, I even bore MYSELF  . . .”

 . . . who admits to beating up Nate’s dad (who, let’s face it, no one really likes, anway) . . .

“Hey WTF!  EVERYBODY LIKES ME!  I’m Captain Hook-ed on Drugs, for crying out loud!”

However, the Wet Blanket SWEARS on his Mama, that he didn’t steal Lily’s forged affidavit.  Oh, but he did tell his Evil Wench Mom where it was hidden . . .

“WHAT A MORON!  You’re seriously boning THAT GUY, when you could be boning ME,  Serena . . .What is WRONG WITH YOU?”

So, here’s how it all went down . . . Apparently, after Drug Dealing Damien approached Thorpe at the end of last week’s episode, about Lily’s criminal acts, Thorpe took it upon himself to contact Wet Blanket Ben’s MOM.  She then used Wet Blanket Ben to figure out how to steal the incriminating affidavit, and give it to Thorpe.  How unnecessarily convuluted interesting.

Later, as planned by Chuck, Russell blackmails Lily, with Raina listening in the next room.  To say she is not pleased with her daddy, is the UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE CENTURY . . .

“This is SO STRESSFUL!  I could really use some more weed, now!”

“They were RIGHT ABOUT YOU,” Raina exclaims to Daddy Not-So-Dearest, before storming off, with Nate hot on her heels, hoping to heaven that this won’t interfere with his chances of getting boned tonight . . .

But what Chuck doesn’t count on is Russell being SUCH a big Asshat, that he DOESN’T even go after his own daughter!  He STILL wants to blackmail Lily!  The problem, however, is that he CAN’T!  Lily has already decided to turn herself in to the police, and issue a full confession. 

Though this may inevitably land her in jail, this sort-of heroic, if long overdue, act, will, not only singlehandedly save Bass Industries until the next Guest Star comes to f*ck with it, it also will inevitably prevent the company from being blackmailed for the 84,532nd time this season.  GOOD RIDDENS TO THAT!

Bart Bass-tard Strikes Again . . . and other Sort-of Cliffhangers

After Lily leaves to go turn herself in, Chuck and Russell decide to have a little heart-to-heart. 

In the lamest, most useless and least relevant biggest twist of the evening, Russell reveals that the reason he was dead set on ruining Bass Industries, was not because Bart Bass stole Lily from him, but because Bart basically KILLED RUSSELL’S FIRST WIFE!  Remember a few seasons back, how Bart was implicated in setting fire to one of his hotel buildings, for insurance money, and for killing some Security Guard, in the process.  (No?  That’s OK . . . I barely remember it myself.) 

Well, apparently, RUSSELL’S WIFE was also in the building at the time. (Wait . . . nobody finds it weird that the SECURITY GUARD’S death was publicized, but the wife of a famous hotel mogul’s was NOT?  Am I missing something here?)  Upon hearing that his dad was JUST AS BIG OF AN ASSHOLE AS HE ALWAYS THOUGHT HE WAS . . . just a slightly more murderous one, Chuck goes on an alcoholic bender . . .

YAY BOOZE!

This Bender, ironically, wakes Chuck up from the STUPOR he’s been in for at least four episodes now!  “I need to find Blair!  She’s the only one who understands what I’m going through right now,” a slightly inebriated Chuck tells Serena, before rushing off to find his lady love. 

Well, it’s about DAMN TIME! 

(Note: The fact that Chuck’s Daddy Issues are what FINALLY prompted him to remember how dear Blair is to him, is a nice bit of continuity on the writers’ part.  One can’t deny that, each time, Bart’s misdeeds (or his untimely death), have sent Chuck into a downward spiral, it was BLAIR who nursed him back to himself, with her strength, and unflagging belief in Chuck’s strength and inner goodness.

Speaking of BAD DAD’S and GOOD “SHIPS”, Russell Thorpe FINALLY decides to leave town, and go back to the Windy City from whence he came . . .

SAYONAR,  SUCKA!

But it’s Nate — who is no stranger to the many ways in which BAD DADS can disappoint you, and f*&k you up for life, himself  — who ultimately convinces Raina to wish her Papa farewell, and forgive him for being such an Evil Asshat and Annoying Special Guest Star .  . .

The Hills are Alive, with the Sound of Natey-pooooooo!

Nate and Raina may still be going strong.  But you know who isn’t?  Serena and Wet Blanket Ben.

This DOOFUS also FINALLY leaves town (Well, would you look at that?  We killed two birds with one stone . . . now if we could only get Manessa to leave, for good).

Wet Blanket’s reasons for departing NYC are as follows: (1) Lily demanded, as a condition of her confession, that all charges against him be expunged; and (2) he’s become a VERY BAD MAN . . . at least as far as he is concerned.  Serena is momentarily devastated by the loss of her Flavor of the Week.  So, she tells him she truly believes that he is the same pedophile man she fell in love with.  She also hopes that Ben will call her again, once he gets some of that nonexistent confidence back.

Umm . . . Ben, don’t call us, we’ll call you . . . Mmmmm Kay?

So, that’s two people who left town.  You know who came BACK to the Upper East Side though?   THIS GUY . . .

Watch out RUFUS!  With Lily awaiting trial for her crimes, her Bad Ass Mo Fo criminal of an ex-husband (He made her believe she had CANCER, just to get into her pants, for crying out loud!) might be JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED!

But the real cliffhanger of the episode comes in the final moments.  If you recall, Dan and Blair planned to “come out” as friends at Chuck’s party.  But then, all this Lily and Russell and Ben Crap happened.  So, they decided it probably wasn’t the right time to reveal this not-all-that-important information to “Manhattan’s Elite” . . .

Ultimately, the pair decide to sacrifice their newfound friendship, and focus, instead, on their friends’ impending crises and emotional needs. 

But that night, Dan refuses to return to Brooklyn.  Apparently, he is having second thoughts about his and Blair’s mutual decision to “break up their friendship.”  And so, he arrives at Blair’s house, with questions looming in his mind, as to why the two have felt the need to hide their movie-going, pizza-eating, and dish-washing “thing,” for so long.  He wonders whether something more is there between them.  He wants to kiss Blair just once to find out.

Blair tentatively agrees to the kiss.  Then, Dan, being the general slow-starter / wishy washy and Charlie Brown-like person he can sometimes be, hesitates, before going in for the Big Slobber.  So, Blair, wanting to get this over with, grabs her Brookyln Bud, and pulls him in for a smooch.  The screen then freeze frames like THIS . . .

And, before you know it, we have Gossip Girl saying “XOXO” for the last time, before the show goes into a SIX WEEK HIATUS . . .

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Man, this sucks!  I really thought we’d get to see Chuck make a play for Blair’s heart, before the Final XOXO.  Unfortunately, this did not happen . . . yet.  The show’s upcoming promos offer some promise, however . . .

See you in April, Upper East Siders!  Until then, XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Those darn kids! – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Ex-Husbands and Wives”

In tonight’s episode of Gossip Girl, our Upper East Side Scooby Gang banded together to “save” one of their own (Serena) from a common enemy.  Unfortunately, not everyone was playing for keeps.  Bet you can’t guess which member of our Scooby Crew was being a total b&tch?

When the episode begins, Serena is helping Blair pick out an outfit for her date with . .  . well according to IMDB, his name was “Cameron,” but I couldn’t have told you that, without cheating and looking it up.  If you recall, “Cameron” was the guy Blair almost kissed a couple of episodes ago at that Brooklyn party, to make Chuck jealous.  IMDB also told me that the actor who plays him is Ben Yanette.

He’s the one pictured above who isn’t Blair . . . the one wearing the Mr. Rogers sweater . . .

And while “Cameron” was cute in a sort of bland way, to the writers’ credit, they didn’t make any bones about the fact that this dull dude isn’t going to be around for the long haul.  (I mean, come on, he was on a first date with Blair Waldorf, and he talked about “rugby.”  Who does that?)   So, anyway, even though Serena is supposed to be helping Blair prepare for her date, in true van der Woodsen fashion, she finds a way to make this all about her.  “I found out that Rufus is cheating on my mom with our neighbor,” Serena whines.

Blair tries to be supportive of her friend.  However, she clearly has misgivings about Serena’s supposition.  “No way would another Upper East Sider schtup Rufus,” asserts Blair later, when talking to Nate and Dan.  (Way to go Blair, using the Yiddish!)  “What?  My stepdad’s Jewish!”  Blair explains, when Nate and Dan look at her, as if she just told them she enjoys shopping for clothes at Walmart.

“Schtup? Is that like a new fashion designer or something?  Think he has a men’s line?”

Back in Brooklyn, a grounded and very gothy looking, Jenny is chatting on the phone with Chuck.  The two are plotting to prove that the pills Dr. van der Woodsen is prescribing to Lily are not pills typically used to cure cancer.  Jenny, of course, had figured this out, last week, by doing a websearch using the search engine that is clearly the CW’s biggest sponsor.  After all, it appears at least once on literally EVERY CW show.

Bing . . .  the only search engine clinically proven to cure cancer.

So, Rufus catches Jenny chatting with Chuck and takes her phone away.  So, Jenny makes some lame excuse about not having her “stuff” with her, and sends Rufus traipsing to La Casa de van der Woodsen like the big wimp he is, to retrieve Jenny’s personal belongings.  When Rufus arrives, he runs into Serena, who tells him to leave, in no uncertain terms.  Conveniently, the ENTIRE van der Woodsen / Humphrey clan (and Nate – What was he doing there?) are here to witness this exchange.  When pressed as to why she is being such a total ass to Rufus, Serena explains that she believes him to be “schtupping” the neighbor, whose name is Holland (And if there was ever a name reserved JUST for rich and snobby people . . . that’s the one.)

But at least they have nice tulips . . .

So, Brilliant Rufus gets the fabulous idea to bring Holland down to the apartment to set things straight.

  . . . rhymes with Doofus.

So, of course, Holland . . .

 . . . repeats to virtually the entire cast of Gossip Girl (and special guest star, William Baldwin)  . . .

Was it just me, or did he look HOTTER during this episode, for some reason?

 . . . the same thing she told Serena last week, “I totally schtupped Rufus.”  (OK, she didn’t exactly say it like that.  But she should have.)

Most of the cast looks shocked by Slutty McNeighbor Holland’s admission. 

 But Serena and Dr. VDW seem to be having a particularly difficult time hiding the sh*t-eating grins from their faces.

Separately, bromantic buddies, Nate and Dan, and worst-prospective-couple EVER (hint, hint GG writers) Chuck and Jenny, decide to hunt down Holland . . .

Last time, I promise . . .

 . . . and expose her for the fraud they know she is.  Both groups also decide that they need an “expert” to do their dirty work for them.  Who is this expert, you’re wondering?

Duh!

(By the way, I’m not typically a girl who obsesses over television fashions, but Leighton Meester had the best wardrobe EVER for this episode.  There wasn’t one thing she wore that I wouldn’t purchase . . . if I could actually afford it . . . which I can’t.)

Jenny and Chuck approach Blair for help first, and she turns them down.  After all, she’s still pissed at Chuck for pimping her out to the EVIL Jack Bass, a few weeks back.  And Jenny . . . well, she just pretty much thinks Jenny sucks.  Fortunately, Nate and Dan fare a bit better in their quest, and Blair agrees to help them.  With the entire Scooby crew now fully in tact, the group head down to Holland’s office, because apparently she’s a psychiatrist of some sort.  (I could have sworn that the first time Rufus met Holland, she told him she was a house wife.  But maybe I’m wrong.) 

As it turns out, it was Holland who prescribed the pills for Lily.  And the pills were NOT for curing cancer, but for curing some other ailment entirely.  Apparently, Holland also had the pills repackaged into “cancer pill” bottles, so that Lily wouldn’t be suspicious.  Not that she would be, anyway.  I get the impression that, like Doofus, Lily-brain isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed.

“But at least I’m pretty!”

Why did Holland do this, you ask?  Well, apparently, she owed Dr. VDW a “favor” i.e. he had something on her, and blackmailed her ass.  I imagine she also wanted to ACTUALLY schtup Rufus, instead of just pretending to do it.  Although, publicly calling your crush out as an adulterer is not exactly the recipe for starting a healthy relationship . . .

Now, it was up to the Upper East Side Scooby Crew to expose Dr. VDW as the Big Fat (but kind of hot for a middle-aged dude) Liar that he was.  And, because it wouldn’t be Gossip Girl without a random fancy party, the group decides to make their move at some library charitable event thing.  The plan?  Corner Holland with the information they have against her and make her squeal like a pig. 

(BTW, there was a cute scene, where Chuck and Blair approach the shrink, under the guise of seeking relationship adivce, and REALLY tell her their actual problems with one another.  It didn’t further the plot along all that much, but it was nice to see these two working off one another, and being funny together again.)

What the Scooby Crew didn’t count on?  Little J going all Benedict Arnold on them . . .

Jenny’s sudden change of heart and rationale for suddenly WANTING VDW to succeed in his plan to singlehandedly drug her stepmom and RUIN her dad’s relationship, was a bit unclear.  Perhaps, Little J finally realized that her unfortunate wardrobe, untenable weave, and racoon-inspired makeup style . . .

Little J is having a bad day . . .

 . . . were never really going to cut it on the Upper East Side.   Anyway, Jenny hides the evidence against Dr. VDW, and warns him to take his family and ditch the party, before Holland can squeal on him.  Crafty Dr. VDW plans an impromptu trip to Bali on “medical emergency.”  However, before the van der Woodsens can get out of dodge, Scooby Gang comes to expose him.  Dr. VDW excuses himself, promising to return with evidence to prove his innocence, but instead, heads to the airport, leaving a very depressed Serena waiting for him alone in the lobby.

Now, I’ll never get to meet Alec or Stephen . . .

As if plotting against Serena’s “happy” family reunion, wasn’t enough, Good Ole Nate hammers the final nail into the coffin containing his relationship with Serena, by calling the cops on Dr. VDW.

Sorry, I just really wanted to use this picture again . . .

When Serena confronts Dr. VDW at the airport, he comes clean to her, explaining how he had actually treated Lily, back when she came to visit him, but fell in love with her again, in the process.  He did all this bad stuff, because he thought it would be the only way Lily would let him back into her life.  Dr. VDW then has the gall to ask Serena to come away with him.   And, I’m sorry, but it really sounds more like a sex proposition than anything else. 

(Sidenote:  Billy Baldwin really grew on me throughout his guest appearance.   He’s cute and a good actor.  And I definitely started to like him better than Snoozy Rufus.  And yet, I couldn’t help but feel like he was interpreting some of his lines in a “hit on Blake Lively” sort of way.)

Serena refuses to “escape” with him, telling him, “I don’t forgive you.” 

However, she does care about him enough to tell him to fly away, before the PoPo arrive.  And fly away he does.  Then Serena returns to her limo to find none other than Snoozy Dan waiting with a boring shoulder for her to cry on.  But is he there for moral support, or something more?

Good lord, not again!  You do realize you two are STILL related.  Don’t you?

At the end of the episode, Chuck and Blair share a sweet and quiet, albeit slightly contrived, scene that will undoubtedly lead us into next week’s finale, entitled Last Tango, then Paris . . .

Chuck tries to get Blair to admit that she “felt something” for him when the two were playing “couple” at the party.  Blair denies it.  So, he gives her an ultimatum.  “Meet me at the top of the Empire State Building, at 7:00 p.m.  If you are not there by 7:01, I will close my heart to you forever.”

“You can’t affair to remember me,” remarks Blair.

But Affair to Remember her, Chuck does.  And it was a sweet gesture.  Although, I am not exactly sure why Chuck specifically chose 7:00pm as the couple’s meeting time.  I actually never saw Affair to Remember (I’m a big disappointment to “Girl Kind,” I know).  But I’m wondering if that was the time they were supposed to meet in the movie?  If not, my best guess is that Chuck is big Jeopardy fan . . .

 . . . and if he’s about to get dumped, the last thing he wants to do is miss his favorite show, on account of it.

Although Blair initially seems immune to Chuck’s charms, Chair fans can’t help but notice that she looks longingly up at the Empire State Building, as snoozy “Cameron” talks about rugby, during the final moments of the episode.

Oh, yeah, and I almost forgot, Jenny ran away from home . . .  AGAIN.  This time, it looks like she’s staying at Chuck’s and Nate’s place, which is wrong on SO MANY LEVELS!

That’s all folks.  See ya next week, for the big Season Finale.  Can’t wait that long?  Head to Chuck and Blair the Perfect Pair for all your finale and spoiler needs.

XOXO