The Parent Entrapment – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Empire of the Son”

“So, when you get to jail, Lily, definitely tell Bernie Madoff I said ‘Hi.’  He never did pay me back that money I lent him . . .”

Well, this was a rather adult episode of Gossip Girl, right?  And no, unfortunately, I don’t mean that in a fun, NC-17 rating, kind of way.  Instead, I’m talking about the fact that LITERALLY everybody and their MOTHER got their own storyline tonight.  Heck, even BART BASS got thrown a bone from the Plotline Department . . . and he’s been dead for ALMOST TWO SEASONS!

 . . . praying that my Estate gets royalties for this . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

Happy Days are Here Again?

After a few pretty dark episodes, things actually seem to get off to a rather pleasant start, in “Empire of the Son.”  Chuck Bass, who, as you recall, was, just last week, in danger of losing Bass Industries to the odious Russell Thorpe, is now presumably “back on top.”  This, of course, is due to the deal he made with that Random Dude who agreed to buy an interest in his company, last week, so that Thorpe couldn’t destroy it. 

Now, Chuck, of all people, is being asked to ring the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange.  To me, this is pretty darn impressive, especially considering that, in four seasons, I never knew the character to wake up before Noon . . .

 . . . unless, of course, he had “special company” in his bed with him. 😉

Speaking of Blair . . . she’s doing pretty well too!  Though our Queen B was seen, just last week, getting FIRED, FAILING exams, eating PIZZA, and drowning her sorrows in old ass movies, screened in a Brookyln apartment, now our girl looks positively radiant.  She’s being nice to everybody!  She’s giving Serena advice about her Bland Boring Boyfriend Ben. 

Blair attributes this new sense of well being to a “Fast and Cleanse,” in which she has recently engaged.  On this, I call BS, from personal experience.  After all, the last time I, personally, “cleansed and fasted,” I literally almost killed about five people, out of sheer HUNGER . . . 

Yeah . . . you should really consider EATING, stat, if you care at all about your family and friends . . .

But, I’m not the only one who is doubtful as to the true source of Blair’s newfound happiness.  Blair’s sidekick, Dorota, is suspicious as well .  . .

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You know who else is doing well?  Nate.  After lord knows how many weeks just spent staring at the camera, and looking pretty, Boy Toy ACTUALLY has a sort-of storyline . . . plus, he’s getting laid . . .

Yes, boys and girls.  Things move fast in the Upper East Side.  And Raina, who was formerly Chuck’s flavor of the week, is now being slurped up by Pimp Daddy Archibald, right beneath Chuck’s nose!  Unlike Chuck and Raina, these two ACTUALLY share a modicum of chemistry.  As a result, watching this new couple interact and swap spit — while not a particularly thrilling sight — doesn’t immediately make me want to vomit.  So, that’s a start! 

“Thank you, writers, for FINALLY realizing that I am WAY TOO HOT to be perpetually celibate, on this show.  Now, if I could just get you to stop dressing me in these ridiculously dorky sweaters . . .”

Now, despite appearances, all is not necessarily rosy in the Upper East Side.  Serena is still macking with that Wet Blanket Ben . . .

But, hey!  At least this is causing her to ignore the stalkerish repeated phone calls and text messages from one ridiculously annoying,  Vanessa Abrams . . .

So, it seems the entire cast of GG (except for Vanessa) is happy, which is exactly how us fans like it.   And what’s a “happy” GG episode without a PARTY, right?  I mean what would all these disgustingly rich, and apparently alcoholic, Manhattanites, do with their lives, if they weren’t perpetually attending one of Chuck’s nightly “I Never Work, But Inexplicably Have Unlimited Income” Galas?

“And now let us call this meeting of the Upper East Side Chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous to order .  . . Cheers!”

But, of course, this is Gossip Girl.  And happy days can’t stay happy, for long . . .

You are ALL BUSTED!

“Oh, Russell . . . honey . . . we NEED to do something about your office.  Since when did it become OK for a high-powered executive to conduct business at a COFFEE TABLE?  I mean, you’re sitting so low to the ground, you might as well be on the floor!  And what exactly is that fire place doing behind you, anyway?  Is that your idea of a shredder?”  – Set Department FAIL!

Things start to take a turn for the worse, when Chuck arrives at Thorpe’s office, to gloatingly invite Russell and Raina to his Pointless Party of the Week.  It is then, that Russell accidentally / on purpose lets it slip that his daughter is currently out boning Mini Captain Archibald . . .

“Well, DAMN!  Now, I’m glad I gave her an STD!  Enjoy those crabs, Natey-poo!”

But Russell’s got even more tricks up his sleeve.  He’s recently sent one of his minions off to the dry cleaners, in order to kindly “suggest” an outfit for Lily van der Woodsen to wear to Chuck’s party . . .

“Hey Lily, I hear orange is the new black . . .”

Elsewhere, Wet Blanket Ben has suddenly stopped returning Serena’s Booty Calls . . .

Oh, the humanity!

When Serena confronts Wet Blanket Ben at Dan’s apartment (where he is currently crashing), to find out what the heck is going on, she encounters a very scary sight, indeed . . .

It’s the EVIL WENCH, WHO BROUGHT WET BLANKET BEN AND PSYCHO STALKER JULIET INTO THE WORLD!!!!

Of course, Evil Wench is LESS THAN PLEASED that her son has formed a relationship with the woman whose family pretty much singlehandedly RUINED HIS CAREER, and possibly, his life . . . They also, coincidentally, sent her daughter, Psycho Stalker Juliet off the Deep End. Oops!

Meanwhile Blair, who is clearly ashamed of the fact that she used to spend her nights attending lavish parties and having sex with Chuck in limos, but now spends them watching Netflix films, washing dishes by hand, and eating (gasp) pizza, has been hiding her friendship with Dan from the Upper East Side masses.

But even BLAIR’s deception tactics are no match for The Mighty Dorota . . .

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Dorota started to notice things were amiss, when she spied a NOVA DOCUMENTARY in Blair’s netflix queue!  (Oh, Blair . . . we REALLY need to talk!)  But then, when she found a copy of Dan Humphrey’s New Yorker magazine on Blair’s bed, things suddenly became clear to her . . .

“OH HELLLLLLL NOOOOOO!”

At this point, I should probably mention that Dorota is the BIGGEST CHAIR FAN EVER!  (She’s also, I suspect, a Derena fan.)  So, of course, the usually Happy Housekeeper is EXTREMELY UNHAPPY about this most recent turn of events.  And she vows to put a stop to it ASAP.

“I caught you, Dan Dishpan-Handed!”

“You and Lonely Boy are having an AFFAIR,” shouts Dorota, her face a hilarious mixture of triumph, shock, and horrified disgust . . .

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“We have to tell Mr. Chuck and Serena!” Dorota continues, digging the knife a little deeper into Blair’s heart.

To prove to Dorota, once and for all, that there is nothing going on between her and Dan, Blair decides to stand Lonely Boy up.  So, she fails to meet him at their appointed destination for the day, and, instead, decides to go shopping with Dorota. 

 Meanwhile, Dan, who is similarly concerned that his dad, Rufus, will find out that he and Blair have been hanging out (Yeah . . . I don’t really get why the Dad would give two craps, either), ditches Blair too, in order to hang out with his Pops . . .

So, of course the two Date Ditchers have to end up running into one another, at a completely different location than where they originally planned to meet . . .

(Gotta love those Madcap GG Hijinx!)  “I knew you would be my SOCIAL DEATH!”  Blair exclaims to Dan later. 

Deciding it would be best if they came clean to everybody about their new friendship, before ANYBODY ELSE finds out about it, Dan and Blair come up with a plan.  They decide to leak a blast to Gossip Girl about an “important announcement.”  Then, at Chuck’s party, they will reveal that the “important announcement” was actually a really LAME one, about the two of them sometimes watching movies together. 

Talk about a Bait and Switch!  I know, if I was Gossip Girl, I’d certainly want MY money back . . .

“Hey, at least the “important news” didn’t have anything to do with VANESSA!”

Baby Did a Bad, Bad Thing . . .

Back in Serena Land, Blondie is trying her hardest to win over Ben’s Evil Wench mom, by treating her to pizza.  (Seriously?  Since when did so many people eat PIZZA on Gossip Girl?)

Unfortunately, since Evil Wench is lactose intolerant (not to mention, Serena intolerant), the meal doesn’t exactly go well.  To make matters worse, Serena conveniently overhears Evil Wench telling Ben that he should sell out the van der Woodsens to save his teaching career.  This way, he can fall in love with, and possibly impregnate MORE 16 year olds  YAY!

Speaking of the whole Pedo Ben Fiasco, Serena’s mom arranges a meeting with Chuck to tell him about the “Orange Jumpsuit Affair.” 

Apparently, Lily (rightly, as it turns out) fears that Russell will try to blackmail her into ceding Bass Industries over to him, by threatening to reveal information regarding Lily’s illegal behavior, with respect to the aforementioned matter.  (Geez!  Dude just doesn’t give up, does he?)  Chuck promises to investigate (1) who leaked that information to Russell *cough Drug Dealing Damien cough;” and (2) whether the Real Estate Mogul has ACTUAL PROOF of Lily’s perjury, or is merely bluffing.

Lily, of course, suspects Wet Blanket Ben of leaking the intel.  And when ANNOYING VANESSA . . .

AGAIN . . . I REPEAT . . .

 . . . barges into La Casa de van der Woodsen, to inform Lily that Ben had Nate’s dad beat up in jail, her suspicions seem justified.  When Lily confronts Serena with this information, Blondie initially refuses to believe its true.  The problem, of course, is that the AFFIDAVIT, which is proof of Lily’s guilt in the Pedo Ben Affair, has suddenly gone missing.  And, aside from Serena, Wet Blanket Ben is the only one who knew where it was hidden .  . .

Serena vows to talk to Ben at Chuck’s party, hoping she can get him to reconsider his decision.

Elsewhere on the Upper East Side, Chuck .  . .

 . . . pretends to care that Nate and Raina are porking, when we ALL know, he only truly has eyes for one girl . . .

But, aside from this faux- confrontation, Chuck has REAL business to attend to, with Raina.  Specifically, he wants to warn her about what an ASSHAT her dad is!  When Raina refuses to believe Chuck’s statements, the latter arranges for Raina to learn of her dad’s Asshatedness on her OWN.  Chuck figures that Raina’s disapproval of Russell, might influence the Douchebag to drop his whole blackmail scheme, and simply admit defeat, like a Good Little Guest Star . . .

All is Revealed . . .

As is typical of GG episodes, everything comes to head at the Big Party of the Week.  There, Serena confronts Wet Blanket Ben . . .

“Sometimes, I even bore MYSELF  . . .”

 . . . who admits to beating up Nate’s dad (who, let’s face it, no one really likes, anway) . . .

“Hey WTF!  EVERYBODY LIKES ME!  I’m Captain Hook-ed on Drugs, for crying out loud!”

However, the Wet Blanket SWEARS on his Mama, that he didn’t steal Lily’s forged affidavit.  Oh, but he did tell his Evil Wench Mom where it was hidden . . .

“WHAT A MORON!  You’re seriously boning THAT GUY, when you could be boning ME,  Serena . . .What is WRONG WITH YOU?”

So, here’s how it all went down . . . Apparently, after Drug Dealing Damien approached Thorpe at the end of last week’s episode, about Lily’s criminal acts, Thorpe took it upon himself to contact Wet Blanket Ben’s MOM.  She then used Wet Blanket Ben to figure out how to steal the incriminating affidavit, and give it to Thorpe.  How unnecessarily convuluted interesting.

Later, as planned by Chuck, Russell blackmails Lily, with Raina listening in the next room.  To say she is not pleased with her daddy, is the UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE CENTURY . . .

“This is SO STRESSFUL!  I could really use some more weed, now!”

“They were RIGHT ABOUT YOU,” Raina exclaims to Daddy Not-So-Dearest, before storming off, with Nate hot on her heels, hoping to heaven that this won’t interfere with his chances of getting boned tonight . . .

But what Chuck doesn’t count on is Russell being SUCH a big Asshat, that he DOESN’T even go after his own daughter!  He STILL wants to blackmail Lily!  The problem, however, is that he CAN’T!  Lily has already decided to turn herself in to the police, and issue a full confession. 

Though this may inevitably land her in jail, this sort-of heroic, if long overdue, act, will, not only singlehandedly save Bass Industries until the next Guest Star comes to f*ck with it, it also will inevitably prevent the company from being blackmailed for the 84,532nd time this season.  GOOD RIDDENS TO THAT!

Bart Bass-tard Strikes Again . . . and other Sort-of Cliffhangers

After Lily leaves to go turn herself in, Chuck and Russell decide to have a little heart-to-heart. 

In the lamest, most useless and least relevant biggest twist of the evening, Russell reveals that the reason he was dead set on ruining Bass Industries, was not because Bart Bass stole Lily from him, but because Bart basically KILLED RUSSELL’S FIRST WIFE!  Remember a few seasons back, how Bart was implicated in setting fire to one of his hotel buildings, for insurance money, and for killing some Security Guard, in the process.  (No?  That’s OK . . . I barely remember it myself.) 

Well, apparently, RUSSELL’S WIFE was also in the building at the time. (Wait . . . nobody finds it weird that the SECURITY GUARD’S death was publicized, but the wife of a famous hotel mogul’s was NOT?  Am I missing something here?)  Upon hearing that his dad was JUST AS BIG OF AN ASSHOLE AS HE ALWAYS THOUGHT HE WAS . . . just a slightly more murderous one, Chuck goes on an alcoholic bender . . .

YAY BOOZE!

This Bender, ironically, wakes Chuck up from the STUPOR he’s been in for at least four episodes now!  “I need to find Blair!  She’s the only one who understands what I’m going through right now,” a slightly inebriated Chuck tells Serena, before rushing off to find his lady love. 

Well, it’s about DAMN TIME! 

(Note: The fact that Chuck’s Daddy Issues are what FINALLY prompted him to remember how dear Blair is to him, is a nice bit of continuity on the writers’ part.  One can’t deny that, each time, Bart’s misdeeds (or his untimely death), have sent Chuck into a downward spiral, it was BLAIR who nursed him back to himself, with her strength, and unflagging belief in Chuck’s strength and inner goodness.

Speaking of BAD DAD’S and GOOD “SHIPS”, Russell Thorpe FINALLY decides to leave town, and go back to the Windy City from whence he came . . .

SAYONAR,  SUCKA!

But it’s Nate — who is no stranger to the many ways in which BAD DADS can disappoint you, and f*&k you up for life, himself  — who ultimately convinces Raina to wish her Papa farewell, and forgive him for being such an Evil Asshat and Annoying Special Guest Star .  . .

The Hills are Alive, with the Sound of Natey-pooooooo!

Nate and Raina may still be going strong.  But you know who isn’t?  Serena and Wet Blanket Ben.

This DOOFUS also FINALLY leaves town (Well, would you look at that?  We killed two birds with one stone . . . now if we could only get Manessa to leave, for good).

Wet Blanket’s reasons for departing NYC are as follows: (1) Lily demanded, as a condition of her confession, that all charges against him be expunged; and (2) he’s become a VERY BAD MAN . . . at least as far as he is concerned.  Serena is momentarily devastated by the loss of her Flavor of the Week.  So, she tells him she truly believes that he is the same pedophile man she fell in love with.  She also hopes that Ben will call her again, once he gets some of that nonexistent confidence back.

Umm . . . Ben, don’t call us, we’ll call you . . . Mmmmm Kay?

So, that’s two people who left town.  You know who came BACK to the Upper East Side though?   THIS GUY . . .

Watch out RUFUS!  With Lily awaiting trial for her crimes, her Bad Ass Mo Fo criminal of an ex-husband (He made her believe she had CANCER, just to get into her pants, for crying out loud!) might be JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED!

But the real cliffhanger of the episode comes in the final moments.  If you recall, Dan and Blair planned to “come out” as friends at Chuck’s party.  But then, all this Lily and Russell and Ben Crap happened.  So, they decided it probably wasn’t the right time to reveal this not-all-that-important information to “Manhattan’s Elite” . . .

Ultimately, the pair decide to sacrifice their newfound friendship, and focus, instead, on their friends’ impending crises and emotional needs. 

But that night, Dan refuses to return to Brooklyn.  Apparently, he is having second thoughts about his and Blair’s mutual decision to “break up their friendship.”  And so, he arrives at Blair’s house, with questions looming in his mind, as to why the two have felt the need to hide their movie-going, pizza-eating, and dish-washing “thing,” for so long.  He wonders whether something more is there between them.  He wants to kiss Blair just once to find out.

Blair tentatively agrees to the kiss.  Then, Dan, being the general slow-starter / wishy washy and Charlie Brown-like person he can sometimes be, hesitates, before going in for the Big Slobber.  So, Blair, wanting to get this over with, grabs her Brookyln Bud, and pulls him in for a smooch.  The screen then freeze frames like THIS . . .

And, before you know it, we have Gossip Girl saying “XOXO” for the last time, before the show goes into a SIX WEEK HIATUS . . .

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Man, this sucks!  I really thought we’d get to see Chuck make a play for Blair’s heart, before the Final XOXO.  Unfortunately, this did not happen . . . yet.  The show’s upcoming promos offer some promise, however . . .

See you in April, Upper East Siders!  Until then, XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Roses are Red, Tulips are Coke-y : A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “While You Weren’t Sleeping”

WARNING:  Sleep Deprivation and lots of pot can make you do TERRIBLE things, like wear an unflattering robe on your first date, and dance VERY badly to songs by Ke$ha .  . .

Who said Gossip Girl couldn’t make you a better person?  I mean, just think about all the life lessons we learned from this week’s episode of Gossip Girl!   Here are just some of them: (1) Get a good night sleep . . .

(2) Don’t do drugs (unless, they are provided by Chuck Bass).

(3) In life, sometimes, it is important to stop and smell the roses . . . or . . . the tulips . . . to see if they contain coke.

(4) Other times, it is MORE important to smell YOURSELF.  (Personal hygiene is VERY important, PEOPLE!)

(5) Friends are SUPER important.  (Even those sort of dorky friends, who you don’t like to admit are your actual friends, but they totally ARE!)

(6) Oh, and above all?  Never, EVER, be ANYTHING like . . . HER!

Any questions?

Now, that we’ve gotten all those pesky “morals” out of the way, let’s get on with the recap.  Shall we?

Eric’s Turning Legal (and Serena Plays Scrabble?!) – ALERT THE MEDIA!

When the episode opens, Serena an Ben are sharing breakfast in Brooklyn.  Currently, they are engaging in a fascinating conversation about whether the toast they are eating is sufficiently “toasty.”  (I wish I was making this up.  But I’m not.)  Enter, a very pissy looking Dan . . .

Apparently, this “toasty” couple kept Dan up all night, with their . . . playing Scrabble.  (I wish that was a euphemism for something more exciting.  It’s not.) 

Dan expresses some surprise that Serena suddenly knows how to read enjoys playing Scrabble.  But, really, he should not be so surprised.  After all, Serena is one of those girls who pretends to like EVERYTHING her Boyfriend of the Month likes.  For example, when Serena dated Dan, she pretended to like flannel shirts, emo music, old movies, and raccoon zombies named Little J . . .

Much like the rest of us, Dan gets tired of watching Serena and Ben pretend to be a Hot Couple, and leaves. 

Once Dan is out of the picture, Serena flutters her eyelashes, and begs Boring Boyfriend Ben to attend her brother’s 18th Birthday Party, despite the fact that it’s being thrown by the woman who was solely responsible for him spending two years in the pokey for a pedophillic crime he didn’t commit even though he REALLY, REALLY wanted to.

Ben refuses to go to the party, which makes his new girlfriend “very disappointed in him.”  In fact, Serena is more disappointed in Ben now, than she was, back when he hired his sister to try to ruin her life, and ended up almost killing her.  It’s always nice to know that people on this show have their priorities straight . . .

Speaking of ruined lives, and messed up priorities, Eric, a.k.a. Mini vDW, has been pretending to be sick with the flu, so that he can skip his own Barely Legal Birthday Bash, and instead, act as Drug Dealing Damien’s Coke Mule.  (I think I saw a movie like this once . . .).  But, of course, Serena catches Mini vDW in the act, and is, you guessed it, “very disappointed in him.”

Eric explains to Serena how Drug Dealing Damien is blackmailing Eric to deliver kilos of coke, hidden inside pink tulips, or else he will release information, regarding how Lily committed perjury to get Ben thrown in jail all those years ago.  In response, Serena tells him that “she will take care of it.”  This way, Eric can enjoy his Big Stinkin’ Rich, but Still Incredibly Lame, Birthday Party, without the fear of having to spent his first few “legal” years behind bars.  (Golly gee, I wish MY siblings would deal drugs and commit felonies for ME!)

“You know, now that I think about it, this is exactly what I did on MY 18th birthday except I carried all the coke in my ginormous bra!  Ahhhh . . . memories!”

Speaking of folks who could use a good snort of coke . . .

Blair Needs Dan’s Help – ALERT THE MEDIA!

Poor Broken-hearted Blair!  Like the rest of us, she remembers that fateful (*sniffle, sniffle*) speech she made to Chuck a few episodes back, in which she told him that she needed to be successful in her own right, before she could be “Chuck Bass’ Girlfriend.”  So, of course, Blair is trying to become “successful in her own right” as quickly as humanly possible.  This way, she can stop going to the damn movies all the time, and START having mindblowing sex in limosines, AGAIN!

The problem, of course, is that there aren’t enough hours in the day for Blair to be a full-time student,  RUN W Magazine (HAHA!), annoy all the women on the Forbes list, and help Serena with her Problem of the Week.  Oh, did I mention that all her interns QUIT? 

So, Blair has been foregoing sleep, and has hired her minions to do her coursework / errands for her . . .

 She is also letting Dorota DRESS HER.  No wonder Blair ended up wearing a French Maid Halloween Costume to work, yesterday!

When a SUPER SELFISH SERENA comes barging into Blair’s office, demanding that the latter help her come up with a scheme to bring down Drug Dealing Damien (Seriously?  Is Serena not the WORST, MOST SELFISH, FRIEND EVER?  Did she NOT watch what happened to Blair, during last week’s episode?  Has she NO HEART?). Blair is forced to beg for help from the very last person she wanted to ask . . .  THIS GUY.

Dan agrees to help relieve Blair of some of the tremendous burden she is under, provided she admit that he is “a friend” of hers, and not a “minion or underling.”  Blair’s EXTREMELY reluctant, mumbled admittance of this fact, was probably the funniest part of the episode for me. 

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(By the way, kudos to the GG makeup department, for successfully making Blair look bleary-eyed, frazzled, and unrested, yet still TOTALLY fabulous, this week.)

Speaking of Dan, has anybody else started to wonder if he EVER attends classes, downtown, at NYU?  Because, lately, it seems like the guy spends ALL his time (1) hanging around the W offices, where he is NO LONGER EMPLOYED; and (2) following Blair and/or Serena around the Upper East Side, like a little lost puppy dog.  Just sayin’.

Usually a champ at bossing around others, Blair fails to properly direct Dan in how to best serve her.  And so, the poor guy ends up taking on the Drug Mule Duties Blair had originally assigned Minion Penelope.  Oops!  As if that wasn’t bad enough, she told Dan to pick up the WRONG COLOR tulips. As a result, the ones Dan ended up bringing to Eric’s party, though very pretty (Purple is my favorite color!), were disappointingly DRUG FREE . . .

(By the way, I loved how, when the miscolored tulips arrived, the SUPPOSELY non-druggie Eric tested whether they were the right tulips, by SNORTING THEM ALL!)

We are SO on to YOU, Mini vDW!  Get thee to rehab!  GO!

Other things Blair screwed up this week include:

(1) Dictating the WRONG test information to her minion;

(2) Mixing up Eric’s birthday gift, with a gift she bought for her mother; and WORST OF ALL . . .

(3) wearing two MISMATCHED shoes to Eric’s party (They were both REALLY ugly too) where . . .surprise, surprise . . . she was trying to impress some random Special Guest Star influential business figure . . .

Hey Blair, you know what I hear is a really great substitute for sleep, in terms of invigorating the mind, and preventing mishaps like this?  LIMO SEX .   . .

Speaking of Chuck Bass 😉 . . .

Please LORD let this Boring Ass Corporate Takedown Story BE OVER!

We open with Chuck “hiring” Nate as his “wingman” to keep Raina occupied / try to win her back for him, while the Big Bass tried to take down his Girlfriend of the Minute’s daddy, once and for all . . .

Now, normally, I’d say that having your INSANELY HOT best friend babysit your ex-girlfriend for you is a TERRIBLE IDEA.  However, since I (1) DESPISE Chuck and Raina as a couple; (2) NEED Chuck to be single again for OBVIOUS reasons (*cough Chair cough*); (3) and actually don’t mind Raina and Nate as a prospective couple (more on THEM later), I say BRING IT ON!

“Pretend to be ‘in love’ with Random Guest Stars all you want.  But I saw next week’s promos.  And by this time next week, you will absolutely be chasing after ME again, Chuck Bass!”

Next up, we follow Chuck to a “Meeting” with Lily.  During this “Meeting,” Chuck tries to apologize to Lily for getting her fired from Bass Industries, last week.  Lily says she doesn’t forgive him. 

Chuck then accuses Lily of wanting to pork Russell Thorpe, despite being married to Rufus (just like she porked Rufus, back when she was married to Chuck’s dad).  Upon being more or less called a hobag by her adopted son, Lily bitchslaps Chuck.  It’s kind of awesome.

Serves you right for putting me through all this Raina Sh*t, lately!

Then, the camera pans back to THIS image.  And I am suddenly starting to wonder whether I am watching a really bad sitcom . . .

OMG!  Thorpe heard everything from behind his carefully placed newspaper!  – [Insert laughtrack here]

We then, of course, cut to this scene, which illustrates that the scene before it was a TOTAL act by Chuck and Lily, put on entirely for Thorpe’s benefit . . .

Chuck’s ridiculous facial expression here = the REASON screencaps were invented

Apparently, the grand plan is for Lily to go out on a Secret Date with Russell and pretend to want his hot bod . . .

Meanwhile, Chuck will use the key cards he got from Nate’s dad last week, to break into Russell’s office, and find evidence that will ultimately save his company from inevitable destruction. 

(How convenient that Mr. Big Real Estate Tycoon’s office is never locked or guarded.  I also like how underling employees / Ex-Cons with Known Drug Problems, like Nate’s dad, are, not only given keys to the CEO’s office, but also, apparently, the personal passwords to his laptop computer, and all Secret Files included therein.  Donald Trump to Russell Thorpe:  “YOU’RE FIRED . .  . Moron!”)

“Oh look, there’s a file on here named: The Key to Chuck Bass Saving His Company.  I wonder if it’s relevant.”

Earlier, I stated that the part of the episode where Blair asked Dan for help was the funniest moment in the hour.  I lied.  It was the second funniest.  The FUNNIEST moment was when we got a look at Russell Thorpe’s e-mail and saw THIS . . .

COME ON, Gossip Girl!  This Russell guy is planning a Super Secret, Possibly Illegal corporate takeover, and his ENTIRE inbox is filled with e-mails that are OBVIOUSLY related to said takeover.  That’s just not realistic!  I mean, at least throw some PORN in there, or something . . .

This dude is CLEARLY into some kinky sh*t!

In addition to lots of e-mails with his last name conveniently included in the subject line (and no porn), Chuck also finds THIS letter . . .

Apparently, Russell has been bargaining with “Mr. Kidd,” regarding the destruction of Bass Industries.  Chuck figures out that Russell is just doing all this to get back at the Dead Bart Bass for boinking Lily, when HE wanted to bone her himself. (Yeah, because THAT’S a solid reason for a business decision!  Between this, and his company’s lax security measures, I honestly don’t know how Thorpe makes any money at all!). 

Since Bass Industries is worth more “alive” than “dead,” Chuck assumes that “Mr. Kidd” might be interested in this type of information.  And, so, Chuck arranges to meet the man, awkwardly enough, at his stepbrother’s 18th Birthday Party.  (Can you say CREEPY?)  But before this meeting can happen, we have to endure this awkward and, let’s face it, ENTIRELY POINTLESS, scene, in which Rufus pretends to be MAD at Thorpe for stealing his honey bunny, Lily, away from him . . .

“Don’t even THINK about becoming van der Woodsen Husband Number 6, or I will CUT YOU!”

After this uselessness, Chuck finally gets to meet with Kidd, who, realizing Thorpe has been dishonest with him, agrees to hear Chuck out, and possibly cut some sort of a deal with him regarding Bass Industries . . .

“Hey, now that we’ve decided the fate of my company, what do you say we go out to the limo and have a three way slap around some Pinatas?  I hear Lily’s so loaded that she put $100 bills inside, instead of candy.”

Meanwhile, over in the “D” storyline of this evening, Nate is keeping Raina busy, by inviting her to do things that she has never done before.  Such “new and unusual” things, apparently, include WALKING . . .

“Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot .  . . I think I got it!  Gosh, when I was with Chuck I spent all my time f*&king LAYING DOWN!  This is so EXCITING!” 

 . . . ice skating, getting cider spilled down her pants, ugly robe wearing, weed smoking . . .

. . . eating (gasp) ICE CREAM that wasn’t even personally prepared by pastry chefs .  . .

 . . . and, of course, playing Wii . . .

In fact, Raina enjoys all this “Poor Person Stuff” so much, that she decides to kick Chuck to the curb for good, in favor of the Nate-ster!

Raina is TOTALLY done with “Business in Bed!”  She’d much prefer Sex on Soiled Couch with Nate to the tune of Ke$ha’s Tik Tok!  (Judging by how UNSEXY her and Chuck’s sex scenes actually were, I can’t say I blame her. . . )

Of course, despite his earlier saying their relationship was “sacred,” news of Raina’s breakup via phone barely phases Chuck.  In fact, his NON-reaction to this, is the first genuine thing we’ve seen his character do in about three episodes.  What can I say?  The heart wants what it wants.  And, deep down, Chuck Bass’s heart knows that it wants THIS .   . .

Oh, did I mention that Vanessa is back?  (BOO!)  Or that she is trying to return to her so-called rightful place in Dan Humphrey’s boxer shorts, despite almost killing his once-girlfriend / possible soulmate?

Don’t care?  Neither does DAN!  In fact, he TOTALLY blows Vanessa off, which is SPECTACULAR!  Who knew Humpty Dumpty could be so Righteously Bad Ass?  It’s about DAMN TIME!

In other news .   . .

Mo Money, Mo Problems . . .

Meanwhile, Sad Birthday Boy, Eric has NO COKE TULIPS, and now owes Damien $100 grand!  Though I DID feel bad for Eric (I’m not ENTIRELY heartless, after all) I’ll admit, I snorted, when Damien came to the party for the cash, and Eric wrote him a check for the full sum from his “Rhodes Trust Fund,” like it was no big deal . . .

Gotta love the Obnoxiously Rich!

Even better,was when Lily walked in on the exchange, learned that it was being done to save HER ass from incarceration, and wrote the check herself . . . get this . . . from her PERSONAL CHECKING ACCOUNT.  Now, that’s just bad money management!  Way to earn interest on your “G’s,” Lily!

After Drug Dealing Damien leaves the party, Boring Ben (who, this WHOLE TIME, has been telling Serena that she and Eric shouldn’t stick up for their mother, because she deserves to go to jail for doing what she did to him), surprises everyone by shaking down Damien for Lily’s check . . .

Ben does this, by basically threatening to hire some of his prison buddies to KILL Damien (quite possibly the same guys that he hired to BEAT UP NATE’S DAD, back when he was in the slammer).  After peeing and pooping in his pants, Drug Dealing Damien hands a Significantly-Less-Boring-Now-Ben the check, and scampers away. 

(Honestly, I can’t decide whether this scene makes Ben even creepier than he was before, or just more awesome).

Of course, as luck would have it,Vanessa is watching this exchange.  And, even though (1) it’s a crowded city street; (2) she is standing about a half-a-mile AWAY; and (3) the guys are talking in hushed tones, she conveniently hears THE ENTIRE CONVERSATION .  . .

UGHHHHH! WHY CAN’T YOU JUST GO AWAY, AND STAY AWAY FOR ONCE?!

Later, Vanessa tries to call Serena (who, I remind you, she almost got KILLED) to warn her that her boyfriend is quite possibly a Sadistic Psycho Killer.  However, Serena is too busy porking the Sadistic Psycho Killer to notice that her phone is ringing . . . Oh well!

Toward the end of the episode, Drug Dealing Damien approaches Russell Thorpe, so that the two could take down the entire rest of the Gossip Girl cast together. 

(So, Thorpe conspires with DRUG DEALERS, now?  Who does he think he is, Lex Luthor?  Apparently, when I said earlier that this Corporate Takeover Storyline was finally over, I spoke too soon . . . Zzzzzzzzzzzz)

HELP!  Somebody Freaky Friday-ed Blair Waldorf!

Back in his Brooklyn apartment, Dan Humphrey greets a sleepy, Blair, who has ventured out of the Upper East Side (and WAY out of her comfort zone) to thank “Lonely Boy” for anonymously writing her W magazine blog entry, on her behalf.  Of course, she ended up getting fired from the job anyway.  But it was still a nice gesture!

“I lost my job.  I failed a test.  I almost got my best friend’s mother arrested.  And I’m in Brooklyn, talking about it with Dan Humphrey.  Someone must have Freaky Friday’ed me!  This can’t be my life,” gripes Blair. 

(Some fans are inclined to agree with her, on that one.)

Dan tries to comfort Blair, who’s had pretty much the WORST LUCK EVER, these past two episodes, with pizza (?)  (Does Blair even eat carbs?) and . . . SURPRISE  .  . . more old movies!  Not surprisingly, given the day they both have had, the two are asleep on the couch, within seconds of popping in the first film .  . .

(WOW!  Someone really likes pizza!  Do you think that was a large pie?)

Next week on Gossip Girl, Dan tries to escalate his friendship with Blair to the next level.  Meanwhile, Chuck, after having his head stuck up his ass for the past few episodes, FINALLY returns to true form, and works to win back the woman of his dreams.  It’s the episode ALL OF US have been waiting for:  Chair Fans versus Dair Fans!  Let’s GET READY TO RUMBLE!

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com]

“I almost forgot how much I used to enjoy your pie.” – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Goodbye Columbia”

“Just so you know, Chuck Bass, you can sniff MY pie, any time you like . . .”

Flirting with cute boys and pie-sniffing aside, this was a tough week for our favorite Upper East West Side Princesses.

Both were battling some particularly EVIL Super Villains.

These two “villains” each separately plotted (Although wouldn’t it be AWESOME if they worked together?) to do something ABSOLUTELY UNIMAGINABLE to our fair heroines!  And what did these dastardly devils try to do, you ask?  DENY BLAIR AND SERENA THE RIGHT TO AN IVY LEAGUE EDUCATION!

“Oh the HUMANITY!”

Did the EVIL Super Villains succeed?  Were Blair and Serena cast out of Columbia, and forced to endure the ignominy of attending (gasp) a State School?  Read on to find out . . . IF YOU DARE!

OMG!  Creepy Stalkers are SO ADORABLE . . .

  . . . assuming they look like THIS, of course.

When the episode opens, Gossip Girl informs us that Serena is turning over a new leaf, and trying to become a “newer and better version of herself.”  When we first see Serena, we know instantly that she MUST, in fact, be “newer and better.”  After all, clearly, this is a girl who doesn’t get bogged down in the superficial details of life.  I mean, why else would she stop brushing her hair?

It’s like the “Before” picture in a Pantene Commercial . . .

Anyway, this “newer and better” Serena is rushing off to class, and hails a cab, only to find that (for, what we learn, is not the first time), some unnamed attractive dude . . .

Just in case you forgot what he looked like . . .

 .  . . has stolen said cab, and inserted some random hobag inside it.  (Don’t you just hate it when that happens?)

So, of course, Serena does what any sensible girl who is about to be late to class would do in such a situation, she hops on the nearest bus or subway pouts, whines, and stamps her foot like a toddler with poopy pants.

“When I do this at home, my Mom buys me necklaces from Tiffany’s.  Maybe this guy will do the same.  He certainly looks like he can afford it.”

Seeing that Serena is angry, Unnamed Attractive Guy, ignoring the hobag already in the taxi, holds the cab door open, and  continues to talk with Serena.  This lapse in time, gives our heroine ample opportunity to jump in the cab, and make it to class on time.  Instead, she stays and chats because . . .

 . . . (Do I really need to explain it to you?) 

As it turns out, Unnamed Attractive Guy has been spying on Serena, and stealing her cabs ON PURPOSE as an excuse to get slammed in the face with a taxi door flirt with her. 

Now, if you girls are anything like me, you all oohed and aahhed, and sighed at this scene, thinking it was “oh so sweet” and “oh so adorable” for Unnamed Attractive Guy to try to court Serena in this “creative” way.  However, let me ask you something.  Would you feel the same way about Unnamed Attractive Guy’s actions, if he looked like THIS?

 . . . or, how about THIS?

NO!  You’d think he was a scary stalker, and would probably wake up about two hours earlier every day, just so as not to run into him again!

But, as we know, Unnamed Attractive Guy did not look like THIS . . .

 . . . or THIS . . .

 . . . He looked like THIS . . .

 . . . and so, therefore, we all REALLY REALLY hope that these two get to do the horizontal mambo together, VERY soon!

The Gift that Keeps on Giving . . .

“I am a genie in a bottle, Baby.  But be careful when you rub me that way.”

One thing that must be said about Serena, she is a generous lover.  And by generous, I mean she shares her love with EVERYBODY!  So, of course, when Gossip Girl put out a blast that Serena had an STD, there were, understandably, a number of people on Columbia’s campus who were “concerned” by the news.

Like, for example, them . . .

 . . . and him . . .

. . . and them . . .

Coincidentally, if YOU happen to be in this picture, rest assured, the arrow that seems to be directly above your head is actually pointing at SOMEONE ELSE (Please don’t sue me!)

Unfortunately, Gossip Girl doesn’t specify which STD Serena has.  So, for the sake of illustration, let’s just assume, for argument’s sake, that she has one of these two . . .

Of course, us wily GG fans already know this blast is TOTALLY true false.  Someone evil is behind all this, and her name rhymes with “Muliet.”

Earlier in the episode, we watched Juliet have a conjugal visit meet in prison with the guy who is supposed to be her “Brother Ben.”  However, he totally acts like the Creepy Jealous Boyfriend / Homicidal Maniac in every Lifetime movie I have ever seen.  (Then again, maybe THAT’S how he got into prison!) 

Possible jailhouse footage of Juliet and Brother Ben, courtesy of Gossip Girl

During his and Juliet’s post-sex pillow talk meeting, Brother Ben stresses his impatience with Juliet, regarding her inability to isolate Serena from her friends, and get her expelled from Columbia — thereby “taking EVERYTHING away from her,” like she somehow did to Brother Ben.  (Yes . . . because I’m sure the Academic Scholar Serena, who didn’t even want to GO to college until about two episodes ago, would be absolutely suicidal, over getting kicked out of the school where she spent two days, during which she cut or was late to every class).

“What exactly is she implying?  I love school, because I am smart.  S-M-R-T.”

To protect Juliet’s “cover,” Brother Ben wants her to set up Nate as the Fall Guy for the plot to destroy Serena.  Juliet is conflicted.  Secretly, she hopes she will have time to SCREW Nate, before she has to SCREW HIM OVER.

Juliet’s Creepy Psycho Stalker Board a.k.a. “Research”

Later that day, Juliet convinces Nate to get tested for STDs, by withholding sex from him until he does.

Ummmm . . . you know, Juliet .  . . some STDs are ORAL.  Just saying . . .

Once she is certain Nate will, in fact, go through with getting tested, Juliet fans the flames, by telling Serena that NATE was freaked out by the Gossip Girl blast.

OH NO SHE DIDN’T!

Needless to say, when Serena sees Nate outside the Student Health Center, she is PISSED!

Gee Nate, you’ve been looking kind of pale lately.  I really hope you aren’t  . . . um . . . coming DOWN with something . . .

Of course, the first thing Serena does is subtly insult Nate’s “chastity” by commending him for getting tested, given the high number of sexual partners he has “experienced” recently.

Talk about the pot calling the kettle a SLUT!

Serena then selfishly asks that Nate wait a few days before getting tested, so that SHE won’t “look bad” in front of the whole school.

Ummm . . . honey, maybe you should have thought of that before coming on campus, without having brushed your hair first.

“There is someone else I need to get tested for,” insists Nate.  “SHE is my priority.  NOT YOU!

Accompanying Nate to the clinic, is his secret gay lover “new best friend” Dan Humphrey.

Unlike Nate, DAN DOESN’T need to get tested for an STD, because all HE and Serena did on that fateful night during the Season Finale was spoon . . .

To spoon or to fork?   That is the question.

 . . . at least, that was what Dan told his boring ass girlfriend Vanessa, when the first blast initially came out.  So, of course, you can imagine how freaked out the V-ster was, when she received a SECOND blast from Gossip Girl, noting Dan’s presence outside the Student Health Center.

“I was so upset I nearly peed in my hemp underwear (which were handcrafted by women of the Sioux Indian tribe, for your information).”

Vanessa, now completely convinced Dan has been lying to her about what happened that fateful night, publicly calls out Serena for being a Major Slutbag.

*sings*  “Tell me, tell me, tell me, something I don’t know, something I don’t know.”

(Note: Vanessa’s public anger at Serena will end up being important later.  So, don’t ignore the scene, just because it contains a character that you happen to find boring . . . like I usually do.)

Back in Crazy Psycho Stalker Land . . .

Population Juliet

 . . . Juliet begins to plant the seed in Nate’s head that he should steal Serena’s phone, in order to find out, once and for all, whether she has an STD.  (After all, STD test results take FOUR DAYS!  And when have you ever heard of ANYONE on this show going FOUR DAYS without sex . . . unless they were in a coma at the time?)  However, Nate doesn’t take the bait, because he is too stupid honorable.

Don’t worry, Nate.  There is no need to understand!  You’re WAY TOO pretty to have to worry about dull and unimportant things like “logical reasoning”. . .

Fortunately for Juliet, Vanessa is not NEARLY as pretty as Nate, so she has actually HAD to learn logical reasoning skills, while growing up.  When Vanessa approaches Juliet to bitch to her about Dan, Juliet instructs Vanessa to meet her at the Big Fake Party Designed to Put All the Characters in the Same Place Hamilton House.  There, she gets Vanessa to steal Serena’s phone to see if Dan wrote anything to Serena about their f*cking.

Lo and behold, there is a message on the phone from Dan that basically says, “Golly gee, isn’t it nice how we haven’t f*cked lately.”  (HOW CONVENIENT!)

Vanessa is OVERJOYED!

“I’m so happy I could dance nude in the light of the full moon, and praise Mother Nature!”

While a Happy Vanessa rushes off to do the horizontal mambo with a Non-Infected, Dan, Juliet uses Serena’s phone to send a message to one of Serena’s professors (the one who’s class she’s always missing,  because she can never catch a cab).  The message basically asks the professor, for a bump in grades in exchange for some STD-filled sex with Serena.

The professor tells the Dean about the e-mail.  And she instantly wants to expel Serena.  Of course, it isn’t until that very moment, that Boobs for Brains FINALLY realizes her PHONE IS GONE!

“DUH!”

Vanessa, being the moron that she is, publicly admits to taking the phone from Serena, out of guilt, even though it should be SO OBVIOUS to anyone with a pulse, who sent that message.  Then, Juliet jumps in, and blames the message’s submission on VANESSA! 

(NOW, do you see why that boring Serena / Vanessa “fight” was important?)

So, to summarize, Serena now thinks JULIET is a hero (who saved her from expulsion), and EVERYBODY HATES VANESSA.

(Coincidentally, when you think about it, the two statements above pretty much summarize exactly how most GG fans feel).

At the end of the episode, a number of things happen in rapid succession, with respect to this storyline.

1) Dan and Vanessa come to realize that a relationship without trust is just like every other relationship on this show not worth having, and eventually break up.

Maybe now, these two can go back to hanging out at their own school, NYU, (which, for the record, is ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF MANHATTAN, GG writers!), where they belong . . .

2) Serena has a drink with Unnamed Attractive Guy, who turns out to be someone who is slutty, but “smart and deep” . . . just like Serena pretends to be!

I swear, that just never gets old . . .

3) And, finally, after promising “Brother Ben” that she is “not falling for Nate,” Juliet shows up in Nate’s bedroom in sexy lingerie, and the pair have the HOTTEST SEX SCENE EVER!  Don’t believe me?  See for yourself . . .

Yeah . . . I totally watched that video like six times.  I’m not gonna lie.

Speaking of HOT COUPLES . . .

Scheming . . . as American as Apple Pie

This week, Blair tried to take the high road, and avoid HOT HATE SEX WAR with Chuck, by immersing herself in something he had absolutely no experience with, education.

“Books are for pussies.  My servants read FOR me.”

In typical Type-A personality fashion, Blair doubles her class load to avoid Chuck.  The class she wants to enroll in most is a Business Marketing class run by Professor Chamberlain.  So, Blair and her minions (who, by the way, look suspiciously similar to the minions she had last year at NYU) head off to wait online to enroll in the class (Huh?  No ONLINE enrollment?   What is this, 1990?). 

And yet, who should she see at the front of the line, but THIS GUY . . .

Like Juliet had decided earlier regarding Serena, Chuck has determined that the best way to get revenge against Blair for stealing away his Harry Potter Character He’d Most Like to Screw . . . Aside from Hermione lover . . .

 . . . would be to get her expelled from Columbia.  The only difference here is that, unlike Serena, Blair actually LIKES learning, so there is a bit more at stake, in this instance. 

As it turns out, Chuck despite being completely illiterate has decided to audit a few classes at Columbia.  Oh yeah, and he’s also Professor Chamberlain’s assistant.

This was precisely the position Blair wanted.  In fact, she wanted it so bad, she even resorted to having Dorota make making baked goods in order to get it.  “I almost forgot how much I used to enjoy your pie,” says Chuck seductively, as he moves just inches away from his “former” lover’s face.

In a scene whose hotness, though admittedly more subtle, rivaled that of Nate’s sex with Juliet, Chuck places his nose directly in line with Blair’s cleavage, and amorously inhales “her baked goods.”  Blair, though trying to look annoyed, is obviously more than a bit aroused by the act.  This is evidenced by the way her eyes close in ecstasy, and her mouth parts, for just a split second, before her face returns to its characteristic sneer.

Blair then tries to steal the assistant position from Chuck, by offering to set the Professor in question on a date, which, honesty seemed pretty ridiculous to me.  And yet, the lame-brained idea actually worked . . . that is, until Chuck pulled a little bait-and-switch on the dates.  This resulted in Blair setting the Professor up with ANOTHER WOMAN, even though she WAS STRAIGHT!

Shortly thereafter, at Hamilton House, Chuck and Blair duke it out, in one of their classic, “it is SO COMPLETELY OBVIOUS we are TOTALLY hot for eachother” fights.  During it, each detailed, the various ways they planned to blackmail Professor Chamberlain for the assistant position, if the other of them ended up getting it.  Professor Chamberlain overhears this and . . . quits?

Yeah, I didn’t get it either.  I really just wanted to see those two crazy kids sniff eachother again .  . .

At the end of the verbal f*ck fight, Chuck reiterates for the umpteenth time how much he wants to take everything away from Blair, just like she took a very boring thing everything away from him.  Blair then reiterates that she hates Chuck for screwing Racoon Zombie.

But this time, Chuck takes the argument one step further, by threatening to go public with his DEVIRGINATION of Little J, thereby ruining Chuck’s, Blair’s, and Jenny’s (not that she ever had one) stellar reputation, in the process. 

Just in case you thought he was bluffing, in the last scene of the episode we see Chuck making a phone call that somehow involves the following three things: Parson’s University, Jenny Humphrey, and . . . TIM GUNN?

In the words of the Man of Fashion, himself, “This concerns me.”

That’s all I’ve got folks.  Tune in next week, when the Racoon Zombie returns  . . . with redemption on her mind and an EVEN WORSE WEAVE on her head . . .

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com]

This Means WAR!!!! – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “A Touch of Eva”

Although Chuck’s utterance of the above-referenced line saddens me, as it represents yet another setback, in a series of increasingly dark turns that his relationship with Blair, has taken since last season, I am mildly comforted by the image of a very sexy Ed Westwick, decked out in yummy army fatigues . . .

See?  Every Chuck Cloud DOES have a silver lining!

Tonight’s episode of Gossip Girl was a bit of an emotional roller coaster for us Chuck and Blair fans.  On one hand, after WEEKS of minimal contact between the two, the pair finally had an abundance of tension-filled scenes together.

However, most of those scenes featured (1) Blair trying to sabotage Eva, and (2) Chuck vehemently defending his new Angelic Whore to the only woman he ever truly loved.

Then, Eva FINALLY left town . . . FOR GOOD!

But . . . as is usually the case in such situations . . . the GG writers decided to use this episode to make the almost universally despised French woman LESS annoying and MORE sympathetic — thereby, making us all feel just the teensiest bit guilty for having hated her for all these weeks.

And yet, Chuck DID confront Blair, desperate to find out if she still loved him. . .

And she said  . . . NO!

However, perhaps, I’m getting a bit ahead of myself here.  Let’s take  a step back, and see how it all went down, shall we?  But first, let’s get the less interesting simpler storylines out of the way . . .

Rags to B*tches

When the episode begins, we learn that Nate is starting to have some doubts about his new girlfriend, Juliet.  Mind you, these doubts did NOT stem from Juliet’s Hamilton House shenanigans, last week.  After all, aggressively  crapping on the reputations of Nate’s ex-girlfriends, through lies and deceit, is completely normal behavior in GG Land.  In fact, it’s encouraged!

Congratulations, Juliet!  You are officially EXACTLY like every other female on this show . . .

What really raised Nate’s eyebrows was how Juliet kept canceling out on dates with him, because she . . . HAD TO STUDY!

“Studying?  Nobody does that on THIS show!  Your new girlfriend is TOTALLY a serial killer, Nate.”

Fortunately for Nate, hiring a private detective is entirely unnecessary on this show, as each character’s every single solitary move is chronicled on Gossip Girl. 

(Wait, did you say EVERY cast member?  Even Vanessa?  This site must be the most boring read EVER!)

Daily itinerary:

8 a.m. Dress in hideously mismatched thrift store outfit

8:30 a.m – 10 a.m. Frequent artsy fartsy coffee shop

10 a.m. – 4 p.m. Attend fake classes

4 p.m. to 5 p.m. – Frequent ANOTHER artsy fartsy coffee shop, which smells like dirty hippies

5 p.m. to 10 p.m. – Pretend to study, while nagging and fondling, Dan Humphrey

10:15 p.m.  – Bedtime!

So, anyway, Nate cyberstalks Juliet on Gossip Girl, and learns that, during a time that she had SAID she was studying at home, she was actually spotted emerging from a subway station ACROSS TOWN!

Wait . . . someone on this show actually TAKES PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION?  Oh the humanity!

Because stalking his “loving girlfriend” on the internet isn’t enough, Trusting Nate decides to take things one step further, by stealing her cell phone.  Conveniently, Juliet has recently received a text message from the mysterious “Ben,” which states “I need to see you.”

Umm . . . are we supposed to believe that “Ben” is the same guy Juliet was hitting on at the prison last week?  Wow!  Who knew prisons had such great cell phone plans?  Now THAT’S our tax dollars at work!

Rather then stewing in silence for a few episodes, or exacting revenge, as men on this show tend to do, Nate actually does the mature thing, and confronts Juliet about her implied infidelities.

When Juliet fumbles with an explanation for the call, Nate tells Juliet that the reason she hates Serena so much is that she is Bat Sh*t Crazy just like her!

Later, a humbled Juliet, not wanting to get dumped, comes clean to Nate.  She is NOT cheating.  Rather “Ben” is her “troubled brother” who she is currently giving conjugal visits to on a daily basis “not ready to talk about.”  However, she promises, that he will “not come between [her and Nate].” 

Nate, whose own drawers are just FILLED with dirty family laundry . . .

Let’s get DIRRRRRTY!

. . . is thrilled to hear this wonderful news!  (Now, he can finally come clean about all those bastard children he sired during his Spring Break in Nicaragua!)

To reward Nate for not dumping his ass, Juliet offers to FINALLY let Pretty Boy see her apartment!

WALL OF CRAZY, HERE WE COME!

But, alas, Juliet doesn’t bring Nate to her Dumpy Psycho Serial Killer Apartment from Hell.

Instead, Juliet pays off the doorman at some fancy apartment complex, to give Juliet the keys to a temporarily vacant place.  Given all the creepiness that this entails, it seems kind of fitting that the last shot of the “happy couple” is of them making out “behind bars.”

Here We Go Again . . .

Oh for Heaven’s sake, will the boredom EVER end?

Is it just me, or have Dan and Vanessa been having some variation of the same storyline together for FOUR SEASONS!  Here’s how it goes . . . Judgy Vanessa nags Dopey Dan about something he’s doing lately, which doesn’t meet up to her high moral standards (Past Examples:  Hanging out too much with various members of the Upper East Side Crew, acting “too rich,” not telling his parents some lame deep dark secret he has, being a Male ho).  This week, it was Dan’s failure to properly grieve over the loss of Baby Milo.

Then, as a result of all the nagging, Dan will inevitably grow moody . . .

“Hey, you say ‘moody,’ I say ‘brooding and edgy'”

. . . and run straight into the arms of Slutty Serena . . .

. . . who for about two minutes (or until the next commercial break, which ever comes first) will decide she “loves him.”  During that short time span, Serena will string Dan along on a tight leash, like the disobedient dog he is . . .

 . . . or pour ketchup on him and eat him . . . depending on her mood.

Then, Vanessa will take Dan back because she has no other options truly loves him.  After all, her lashing out at Dan was only as a result of that suffocating love she feels for him.  So, yeah, that was basically what happened with Dan and Vanessa AGAIN this week.  Any questions?

Oh, and this should tell you just how much I dislike Dan and Vanessa as a couple . . . This week, I ACTUALLY found myself rooting for the romantic re-pairing of . . . SIBLINGS Serena and Dan!

I KNOW, I KNOW!  Clearly, I need my head examined . . .  Then again, as Blair says, “Anything to head off the nightmare of Humphrey-Abrams Offspring!”

Now THOSE would be some BORING ASS babies!

And now . .  on to the REALLY juicy stuff . . . 😉

Hi Ho!  Hi Ho!  It’s out with “New” Chuck we go!

“Every time I try to get out, they pull me back in!” 

The above words were spoken by the always iconic film character, Michael Corleone, during the much lambasted third installment of the otherwise brillant Godfather film series.  I imagine that our Chuck Bass was feeling much the same way as the aforementioned fictional Mafia Kingpin this week.  After all, ever since his “unforunate accident,” Chuck has been trying desperately hard to “be good” (whatever that means). 

It’s not as though this has all been some ruse on Chuck’s part to get Blair back (although, honestly, we all kind of wish it was).  Nope.  Chuck REALLY seems to want to change.  He wants to be the type of guy who has no secrets, who doesn’t engage in petty gossip or revenge plots, and who genuinely enjoys attending charity functions with his bland girlfriend.

Yet, while he smiles, and plays the part, to the best of his ability, Chuck never really seems to be enjoying himself.  This ideal he’s painted in his head of who he should be, it just isn’t him.  Fortunately (or “unfortunately” depending on how you look at it) Chuck’s “devilish” Upper East Side pals are there to remind him of this, at every turn. 

As the episode opens, we, along with a distraught Blair, watch live streams from Gossip Girl, of Chuck giving his new Gal Pal Eva obscenely an expensive watch from Cartier . . .

 . . . and obscene amounts of money to charity . . .

No one seems to be able to believe that this “Innocent” and Slightly Dull Blondie has single-handedly been able to surgically remove Chuck’s sizeable Mean Streak (not to mention his sense of humor — The guy hasn’t had a single fun one liner, since the season started).  Even Juliet can’t believe it, and she hasn’t been around all that long!  During a double date breakfast, that includes Nate and Juliet, and Chuck and Eva, Juliet asks Eva how she feels about Chuck’s sordid past.

“Well compared to Lord Voldemort, he’s not so bad!”

“Old Chuck, New Chuck, Bad Chuck, Good Chuck . . . How much wood could a woodCHUCK CHUCK if a woodCHUCK could CHUCK wood? .  . it’s all part of the same journey,” offers Eva, who clearly believes she has just walked into an audition for the role of a princess in a Disney cartoon.

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.  Who’s the lamest of them all?”

Determined to bring this seemingly perfect b*tch down, Blair does what any self respecting character on this show would do, she STALKS her!

Of course, it doesn’t take long, before Blair hits, what she believes to be “pay dirt.”  She spies Eva at Cartier exchanging Chuck’s gifted watch for cash.  Immediately, Blair goes running off to the Empire Hotel to rat out the girlfriend of the boy she supposedly “no longer cares about.” 

Chuck confronts Eva about the watch.  However, before she can answer, his maitre d comes to Eva’s rescue.  He admits that Eva gave the cash from the watch to him, so that he could help pay the mortgage for a close relative, who was at risk of losing her home.

  (Color me impressed.  I didn’t know the writers on Gossip Girl were aware there was a recession happening, at all!)

And you all know what this means for our girl Blair, right?

ONE!

Not one to give up so easily, Blair commandeers Serena and Dan to help her dig up some cyber dirt on the elusive Eva.

While Serena and Dan listen in from the comfort of La Casa de Waldorf, a wired-up Blair confronts Eva at a puppy adoption charity event.  Once there, she expertly plies the gal for information . . .

Why does this whole scenario seem so familiar to me?

Oh yeah . . . now, I remember!

The stupid guileless Eva keeps babbling on and on about her life, when finally, she reaches the part about her fateful rescue of Chuck Bass.  Apparently, Eva found Chuck in Prolovka, the Red Light District of Prague.  Searching the term “Prolovka” on the Internet, eventually leads Nate and Serena to find Eva’s HOOKER WEBSITE!

Blair, once again, is thrilled . . .

She can’t wait to go to Chuck’s charity gala, and break the bad news to him.  (What a good “friend!”)

Unfortunately for Blair, the news gets to Chuck, before she has a chance to tell him.  Chuck immediately confronts Eva, who comes clean about the whole thing . . .

So, at the gala, when Blair tries to break the news to Chuck, he totally blows her off!

Then, just to prove how cool he is with the whole “Happy Hooker as Girlfriend” thing . . .

“What’s good enough for Richard Gere, is good enough for Chuck Bass!”

 Chuck announces at the gala that he plans to give Eva FIVE MILLION DOLLARS . . .

 . . . to donate to the charity of her choice. 

TWO, Blair!

Desperate times call for desperate measures.  If Blair can’t find a dark truth about Eva F*cks Alot to make Chuck dump her, well, then, she’s just going to make something up!  Blair gets her shot, when she finds a manilla envelope containing Chuck’s personal effects.  Said effects had conveniently just been recovered from Prague, despite his accident having pccurred months ago. 

 Blair takes the envelope from Chuck’s maitre d, and swipes his passport.  She then tells Chuck that she found his passport in Eva’s bag.  Thus, proving, once and for all, that Eva KNEW who Chuck Bass was when she rescued him.  (And, therefore, was probably using him for money.)

When Chuck hears this, he is outraged.  He lashes out at Eva, who agrees to leave, without explicitly denying Chuck’s allegations.  And yet, when Chuck learns of the existence of the envelope containing the passport, from Lily, he knows he’s been played by Blair, and that Eva had been honest with him all along.  (Well . . . except for the whole “sleeping with guys for money” thing.)

Chuck rushes to stop Eva from leaving, but her decision has already been made.  “Please don’t leave me.  Everybody leaves me,” Chuck whines like the petulant five year old he can sometimes be.

“No, not everyone leave you . . . only your Whore of a Mother, the Girlfriend you cheated on with a Slutty Zombie Raccoon, and the Slutty Disney Princess you accused of being a Golddigger,” replies Eva.  (Well, that’s what she should have said anyway.)

After Eva leaves, Chuck rushes to confront Blair.  “Do you hate me so much, that you can’t stand to see me happy?”  He inquires.  “Is it possible that you still love me?”

(SAY YES, BLAIR!  YES!  YES!  YES!)

There is silence, as Blair and Chuck regard one another, the tension palpable, the love and history between them still a definite presence in the room.  And then, Blair says something, that literally makes me throw my shoe at my television.

You’re going to pay for that, GOSSIP GIRL!

“How could I still love you after what you did?”  Blair inquires.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

THREE!  You are so OUT, Blair!

Chuck blanches at Blair’s hurtful responds.  When he gathers up the courage to speak again, his voice sounds hoarse, as he chokes back his own tears.  “You brought me back to my worst self,” he whispers.  “This means WAR!”

“War, OK .  . . so . . . is Hot Hate Sex is completely out of the question, now?”

[www.juliekushner.com]

The Kids are All Grown Up . . . Sort Of – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Undergraduates”

I’m pretty sure this kind of thing happens at least once every season.  Except, this time, Serena has raised the stakes, by discovering the art of camouflage.  Seriously!  Who else, besides Serena, would dress to match the curtains at a fashion event? 

I never thought it would happen, but after four seasons of scheming, cattiness, and hijinks, our Upper East Side crew is FINALLY showing some signs of maturity . . . well, some of them are, at least.  Others are . . . well . . . not.

So, without further adieu, let’s take a look back at this episode, to find out which characters are still in diapers . . .

 . . . and who got to graduate to Big Boy Pants!

Gossip Girl gets an Upgrade.  Serena gets Downsized.

 

When the episode begins, Serena and Blair are preparing for their first day at Columbia University.

Unfortuntely, their first day of school just so happens to be a very dark day on the Upper West Side.  As it turns out . . . the Gossip Girl website is temporarily DOWN.

Clearly, this is a tragedy of EPIC proportions, especially for Blair, who just so happens to be one of those people . . .

 . . . who is simply not happy, unless some low rent media entity is documenting her every move.  As their first official order of business as new Columbia students, Blair and Serena .  . . go to class.  HAHA!  JUST KIDDING!  We don’t do actually that on this show . . .

Instead, Blair and Serena head off to the “Hamilton House” (i.e. this season’s version of the “secret society” Blair tries to join every year, whose members’ innate snobbery and elite status cause our Queen Bee to temporarily forget who her REAL friends are)  . . .

It’s not just for cans and bottles any more.  We do it for PLOTLINES too!

As Blair and Serena enter the insanely stuck up Hamilton House, Serena notes her very familiar surroundings, and gripes, “I thought college would be different from high school.”

“Who would want that?”  Blair inquires, without an ounce of humor or irony in her voice.  (You gotta love Blair!)

Speaking of high school, just moments after arriving, the girls encounter a “old friend” from “back in the day” (i.e. two years ago).

It’s Perpetual Queen Bee Runner Up, PENELOPE!

And, I am happy to report, that she is just as much of a saucy biatch, as she was in high school!  After Penelope and Blair exchange a few bitter barbs for old time’s sake, the diva reveals that one of her ancestors was a founding member of the Hamilton House.  This accident of birth makes Penelope a legacy at Hamilton House, and and automatic club member.  Fortunately for Blair, Penelope is NOT, however, the Key Master, i.e. the person responsible for personally inviting new members to join the club.

Poor Penelope!  Always a minion, never a royal!

But, you know who IS Key Master at Hamilton House? THIS GIRL . . .

It’s Crazy Potential Psycho Stalker, Juliet Sharp, of course!  (Clearly, Hamilton House is a VERY classy establishment, if they are letting homicidal maniacs join.)  When Blair and Serena approach Juliet for their keys to the club, Looney Tunes herself surprises EVERYBODY (well, at least everybody who didn’t see the trailer for the episode, before it aired), by offering a club key to Blair  . . . and NOT SERENA!

At that very moment, Gossip Girl comes back online with a BRAND NEW FEATURE.  It’s called Live Video Streaming, and it’s like Botox for websites.

The Video Stream shows Serena getting rejected by Hamilton House, as a politely reserved, but secretly smug, Blair fondles her new key to the kingdom elite Columbia society.  Of course, this poses the very important question of WHO is Gossip Girl, that she was able to get such close-up footage of the girls at this elite event?  You see, in the past, any onlooker could have sent Gossip Girl the pictures and intel that the site happened to be seeking at the time. 

However, seeing as the GG site had been down for a period of time; and, presumably no one, except Gossip Girl herself (or himself), knew at the time that the site had video capabilities, that pretty much narrows the suspects down to someone in that room.  Could it be Juliet?  Penelope? 

 Only time will tell . . .

Outside of Hamilton House, Blair half-heartedly offers to decline membership in the club for Serena’s sake.  However, Serena, who knows a fake gesture of kindness when she sees one, replies that this will not be necessary.  “S” would never stand in the way of her Best-ie’s social progress.  Besides, Hamilton House may just be a bit too “right wing” for a bohemian gal, like Serena.

Famous Hamilton House Alumnis

Upon receiving Serena’s “blessing” to stay in Hamilton House, Blair responds like THIS . . .

 . . . and bounces off excitedly, but not before making plans to meet Serena later for dinner and drinks.

Feeling a bit like the Stinky Kid in Elementary School, who nobody wanted to play with,  Serena calls Dorky Dan, in hopes of bolstering her recently diminished self esteem . . .

. . . and he BLOWS HER OFF . . .

 . . . to hang out with a guy who still POOPS IN HIS PANTS!

Then she calls Hot Pants Nate . . .

. . . and HE BLOWS HER OFF TOO!

(Apparently, Hamilton House is coed, and Nate’s a member as well.  How CONVENIENT!)

Yes, Serena.  Apparently, college IS just like High School.  Except, now, you are the NEW Jenny Humphrey . . .

It’s not easy . . . being sleazy.

Lifestyles of the Rich and the Rapist

While the rest of his friends are stories below, pretending to matriculate at Columbia, Chuck Bass is sleeping on million-thread count sheets, in the Penthouse Suite at the Empire Hotel.  He wakes up to find his new Gal Pal Eva missing.  When he sees the sliding glass door to the balcony open, Chuck worries for a moment that the idea of being the most HATED new cast member of Gossip Girl got to be too much for Eva, and she threw herself out the window.

Goodbye, Cruel Fangirls!

(At the same time, Chair fans across the nation are keeping their fingers crossed for the same result.  It’s nothing personal, Eva.  You’re just NO Blair Waldorf!)

But, alas when Chuck arrives outside, he finds Eva simply looking out at the city skyline, with her feet planted firmly on the ground.  “Your world . . . it’s magnificent,” says Eva, with all the emotion and excitement of a person saying, “I have a dentist appointment today.”

Chuck is so enamored by Eva’s innocence, that he can’t help but set out to destroy it.  Immediately, he offers Eva room service, a spa day, and unlimited access to his credit card.  You know, Eva, I recently saw a movie just like this.  Wanna know which one?

Yes, Eva.  I AM calling you a whore (but a VERY nice and well-mannered one, just like in the movie)!

“Your life is perfect,” Eva says in a dull monotone that would make Ben Stein proud.

“Bueller . . . Bueller . .  . Bueller.”

“Now, so is yours,” lies Chuck through his teeth.

Meanwhile, Nate stops by Chuck’s hotel suite to return the Bass-tard’s Black Book, and lecture the hotel scion about being honest with his girlfriend about his shady past.

Riiiiight.  Just like I’m sure Nate is going to be honest with HIS new girlfriend about all the STD’s he undoubtedly contracted this summer, as a result of using said “Black Book.”

Leaving Eva to her own devices, Chuck goes to visit Lily . . .

 . . . the one person member of his Post-Sex with She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named Fan Club.  Chuck tells Lily that he is a changed man, who has stopped screwing raccoons . . .

. . . and has, instead, fallen in love with a character from the Harry Potter series.

Eager to make things right with her extended family, Lily invites Chuck and Eva to attend Fashion’s Night Out.  There, she supposes, the van der Woodsens, Basses and Humphreys can mingle without the added pressure of a formalized dinner.  Chuck agrees.

Later, Lily convinces Rufus to give the New and Improved Bass . . .

“I’m singing a Redemption Song!”

 . . . a second chance at the fashion event.  Rufus initially agrees to have an open mind.  However, when Eric . . .

Welcome back, Buddy!  We missed you!  You’re the least screwed up character on THIS SHOW!  (Well . . . aside from the whole “tried to commit suicide” thing.)

. . . spills the bean to Rufus about Chuck’s attempted rape of Jenny during the pilot episode her freshman year . . .

 . . . Papa Humphrey radically changes his tune.

That afternoon, while Eva shops her little heart out on Chuck’s dime, she runs into Blair.

Of course, in typical Mean Girl fashion, Blair taunts Eva the Robot about her modest beginnings, plain looks, and peasant hands. With a scathing sneer and biting wit that would make Season 1 Blair proud, Queen B lets her latest competition for Chuck’s heart know, in no uncertain terms, that she is a “woman off the rack,” who does not belong in GG society.  (And most Chair fans would AGREE!) 

You can take the girl out of Constance Billard Prep . . . but you can’t take Constance Billard Prep out of the girl.

The bitter exchange upsets Eva enough (to the extent that she is capable of expressing human emotion) to cause her to confront Chuck about it, as the two prepare for Fashion’s Night Out.  In an admittedly sweet moment, Chuck tells Eva that he loves that she doesn’t fit in to his snooty world.  He truly believes that, once given a chance to meet her, the Upper East Siders will love Eva just as much as HE does . . .

Oh, Chuck!  You Sweet, but Ignorant, Slut!  How willingly you overestimate the kindness of your friends and family.

As we watch Eva childishly recite the GG cast members’ names, like a child trying to remember a nursery rhyme, we just KNOW this girl is in for some seriously bad sh*t, in the weeks to come.  It almost makes me feel bad for her . . . almost.

Who’s Your Daddy, Baby Milo?

Meanwhile, Dan is still playing proud papa to Georgina’s spawn, Baby Milo . . .

 . . . when he receives a Gossip Girl blast that Georgina is living it up in St. Barts, while he is cleaning spit up off his unlimited collection of ugly flannel shirts.  To make matters worse, Busy Body Rufus rushes over to tell Dan that, based on his own expert opinion (Read: complete lamens’, not to mention, LAME MAN’S opinion), Baby Milo CANNOT be Dan’s son.

Cue the entrance of Vanessa “Never Met a Plotline She Couldn’t Make Boring” Abrams.

Together her and Dan enter into a positively snooze-worthy discussion about Dan’s options regarding the care of Baby Milo.  Unfortunately for Dan, he has gone and fallen in love with the little Demon Baby, and can’t imagine giving it up for adoption or putting it in foster care.  Dan wants to raise Milo himself.  However, he fears that his student lifestyle will provide him with neither the time nor sufficient income to get the job done.

Then Vanessa, saves the day, by offering to move in with Dan, and help him to raise Baby Milo.

(This is the point in the recap where I would insert a “YIPPEE” . . . if I cared enough about this storyline to do so, which I don’t . . .)

Dan initially cautions his girlfriend against this idea.  He fears he is asking too much of Vanessa, and will ultimately end up jeopardizing their relationship as a result.

Well . . . that got a response from me!

Even though she was CLEARLY not born yet when the film in question came out, Vanessa argues that if Tom Selleck and Ted Danson from Three Men and a Baby could raise a kid, so could Dan and Vanessa . . .

“As long as that doesn’t make me Guttenberg,” quips Dan.

Ummm . . . I hate to break it to you Dan .  . . but you are TOTALLY Guttenberg.  And Vanessa is Tom Selleck’s mustache . . .

Dan agrees to let Vanessa move in and help him raise Baby Milo.  However, before she can return to the apartment with all her hippie skirts, mismatched scarfs, incense, and patchouli . . . GEORGINA RETURNS!

In what was undoubtedly the most interesting and hilarious part of this lame and second rate B-plot storyline, Georgina explains that Milo’s father is some Russian businessman who she met and screwed on an airplane.

“Now, I’m a super villain AND a member of the Mile High Club.  I RULE!”

Unfortunately, for Georgina, the Russian businessman’s wife found out about the tryst, and when she heard Georgina was pregnant, she put a hit out on the dimunitve vixen.  By doctoring Milo’s birth certificates to say that Dan was his father (as opposed to the 100’s of other men Trampy Georgina undoubtedly was banging during that time), Georgina got the killers off her tail.  Now, however, she’s finally decided to grow up and be a real mother to Milo. 

Dan tries to protest.  However, he has no REAL claim to the Baby, so Georgina ultimately takes the child with her.  At the end of the episode, Vanessa and Dan decide to move in together, anyway.

And they all lived Boringly Ever After . . .

(Honestly, I was kind of hoping for more Georgina Hijinks and Histrionics here.  Weren’t you?  Like, for example, watching her be chased by a bunch of Russian Mafioso would be absolutely HILARIOUS, in my opinion!

But, perhaps, not everyone agrees with me . . .)

Rufus Humphrey Cock Block Extraordinaire

“As the Lord is my Witness, Chuck Bass will NEVER GET LAID AGAIN!  Mwahhahaha!”

At Fashion’s Night Out, Chuck approaches Lily, Rufus and Eric to make his apologies, and hopefully, to introduce them to Eva.

Unfortunately for Chuck, Rufus is not too keen on forgiving his daughter’s Date Rapist.  In fact, he doesn’t want the Bass-tard anywhere NEAR HIS FAMILY.  And yet, Rufus the Doofus takes his Chuck-sized hatred one step further.  He wants Chuck to become a re-virginized MONK!

“Whatcha you talkin’ about, Rufus?”

When Eva enters the fray, Chuck, fearing that Rufus will spill the beans about his pervy past to the woman he is passing the time until Blair takes him back with loves, throws himself on the sword saying, “That’s just another social climber making a play for Chuck Bass.  She is not with me.”

Oh no you, didn’t!

Eva dashes off in tears.  And Chuck, after another heart-to-heart with surrogate Mommy Lily, finally finds the courage to rush after her, come clean about his sordid past.  At first, Eva is disgusted, and leaves him.  Almost immediately, a tail between his legs Chuck confronts Blair.

And the Queen B is so smug and self-satisfied about Chuck’s failure and Eva’s resultant departure, that she practically does a dance of joy, right in front of him.

But then Eva returns.

“It was hard for me to learn what kind of man you were.  But I’ve seen the kind of man you can be.  And I choose to be with that man,” announces Eva.

Her and Chuck then kiss (BARF!), as Blair looks on disgusted.

“Once lips have tasted caviar, it baffles me how they can return to catfish,” Blair notes wryly, toward the end of the episode.

Well said, Miss Waldorf!  Because it sure beats the heck out of me . . .

Secret Society Hijinks Ensue .  . .

I wanted to save the most intriguing plotline for last, so allow me to backtrack a bit, and tell you what happened after Blair was admitted into Hamilton House, and Serena wasn’t.  Well, first the Slimy Seductive Juliet took Blair aside, and poured a little metaphorical poison in her ear, when the latter inquired as to why Serena wasn’t admitted into their little club.

“Isn’t it better to have something at this school that is just yours,” Juliet suggests casually, with all the finesse of a snake in the Garden of Eden.

Boy!  Juliet sure has Blair’s number!  Little Miss “I’ll take the West Bank, you take the East,” is no one if not a person who is constantly seeking out her own fame and recognition.  Juliet then takes things one step further, insisting that Blair attend a Martini Event thrown by Hamilton House, instead of keep her dinner plans with Serena.  Then, when Serena calls to find out where Blair is, Juliet instructs her to LIE about her whereabouts, so as not to “hurt Serena’s feelings.”

Blair stupidly takes the bait. 

Moments later, in a move that surprised precisely NO ONE, Gossip Girl streamed the Martini Event live, allowing Serena to catch Blair in her fib.  (It was at this moment, Boys and Girls, that I became pretty certain that Juliet was Gossip Girl.  Little did I know that something would happen later to prove me wrong . . .)

The next day, an angry Serena confronted a very flowery-dressed Blair about her deception, suggesting that Juliet sabotaged Serena’s ability to get into Hamilton House.  Blair, as per usual, gets defensive, “There’s no conspiracy.  Hamilton House just doesn’t want YOU!”  Blair yelps.

Blair then walks off in a huff.

Later, Serena sees other girls getting keys to Hamilton House, even after Juliet suspiciously claimed there were none left.  So, “S” decides to confront the BIATCH.

Turning the tables on Serena, Juliet asserts that it was BLAIR who kept Serena from getting into Hamilton House, by revealing to the alumni the existence of a sex tape involving Serena and Pete Hammond. . . as in THAT GUY SHE “KILLED.”

At Fashion’s Night Out, we see an angry-looking Serena stalk into the building in search of Blair.  The next thing we know, Gossip Girl is live-streaming footage of a hair pulling, name-calling argument between the frenemies, in which Blair awkwardly notes that Serena’s dad couldn’t raise herproperly, because he was busy giving her mother, FAKE CANCER! 

(OUCH!  That had to hurt!)

Meanwhile, a smug Juliet, who, along with her new Hamilton House minions, is watching the whole fight on her iPhone, decides to put the whole altercation on wide-screen television, for all the Fashion’s Night Out attendees to enjoy.

Eventually Juliet tells her minions that it is time to “step in and save ‘her sister’ [Blair] from that b*tch [Serena].”  However, when Juliet rips back the curtain, all she finds is Blair and Serena sitting calmly on the sofa, watching the same pre-recorded broadcast, the rest of the party is enjoying.  As it turns out, they had leaked the fake fight footage to Gossip Girl, in order to catch Juliet in the act of trying to ruin both of their reputations. 

(This turn of events just made it very unlikely that Juliet is actually Gossip Girl.)

“Your little plan might have worked on us in High School, but not now,” lectures Blair maturely (before sticking her tongue out, and singing “Nah-Nah, Nah-Nah, Nah-Nah.”)

She’s right.  Juliet’s plan probably WOULD have worked on Blair and Serena, back when they were in High School.  In fact, it DID work.  If I recall, Georgina Sparks, herself, had done this exact sort of thing, once or twice, in earlier seasons, to break the besties apart.)

Lily van der Woodsen, who, OF COURSE, just so happens to be on the alumni board at Hamilton House, immediately dethrones Juliet, and offers her own daughter a “much-deserved” key to to the house.  Juliet skulks off.  And Nate, who has witnessed the whole ordeal, begins to run after her.  However, Serena stops him first.

Never exactly the “sharpest tool in the shed,” Nate surprises everybody, by siding with PSYCHO STALKER JULIET in this little battle of wits.  And why not?  After all, Serena cheated on him with Dorky Dan Humphrey last year, and then just automatically expected him to take her back.  And Nate DID want to take her back . . . at least, at first. 

But now, all the sudden, Nate has decided that he’s MAD at Serena (an emotion he should have experienced MONTHS ago . . . and probably would have, if he wasn’t so busy porking all those whores in Chuck’s Black Book).  Now, given all Nate’s “MAD-ness,” no matter what Serena does, she’s going to be a Big Fat Poopy Head in Nate’s eyes.

After leaving Serena to comprehend the concept of a boy actually NOT wanting to bone her, Nate rushes to Psycho Stalker Juliet.  Crazy Train tells him that she only schemed against Serena, because she didn’t want Nate around her all the time at Hamilton House.  In short, Juliet claims that she acted out of jealousy.

Sure, it’s obvious to everyone that Juliet is lying.  But not to Moronic Nate, who’s just arrogant enough to believe her.  So, while Serena is moving in to La Casa de Waldorf with Blair and Dorota; Nate and Juliet are making out, and sealing their fate as the most effed up couple in Gossip Girl history (well, aside from Chuck and Jenny of course — but they don’t count.)

It all ends in a fairly commonplace way, until the last scene.  There, we see Juliet visiting some guy in prison.  Upon listening to their conversation we can conclude that (1) HE’S the one who’s hired Psycho Stalker Girl to screw with Serena and the rest of the Upper East Side Crew; and (2) the prison-bound pair are romantically involved in some way — thus, making Juliet’s romantic advances toward Nate (for now, at least) completely phony.

But who IS this guy?  My first thought was that he was Carter Baizen.  After all, Carter’s criminal dealings and grudges against most of the GG cast, would make him a likely candidate for something like this.  The problem, of course, was that this guy didn’t look like Sebastian Stan (the actor who plays Carter).

My second guess was that this Prisoner Dude is somehow related to Pete, the guy Serena “killed.”  After all, Juliet made a point to mention Pete’s name, when making an excuse as to why Serena wasn’t admitted to Hamilton House.  How else would she know all that information, if not from a connected outside source?

Well, I’m all out of ideas.  What about you guys?  Any suggestions as to who this orange-jumpsuited man might be, or why he hates Serena so much?

[www.juliekushner.com]

The Princess and the Bass – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Double Identity”

Ahhh, fairytales.  You’ve gotta love them: the gorgeous scenery, the beautiful costumes, the eventual happy endings.  But, of course, a fairytale just wouldn’t be a fairytale, without its memorable characters.  Every fairytale must have its Princess . . .

. . . her loyal subjects . . .

. . . her Prince Charming .  . .

. . . and an Evil Witch . . .

.  . . who, unbeknownst to everybody, puts a spell on Prince Charming, which forces him to engage in sexual intercourse with an Evil Raccoon Zombie, who has been programmed to systematically destroy ALL HAPPY COUPLES, EVERYWHERE!

“No man is safe!”

And then, inevitably, there will come a time, when one of our soulmates will find himself (or herself) in Grave Danger . . .

Perhaps, he will suffer “amnesia,” as a result.  Or, maybe, he remembers EVERYTHING . . .  But he is just so ashamed of his previous dalliances with Evil Raccoons .  . . that he simply wishes not to be found — even if not being found means losing his beautiful Princess, FOREVER.

And it is HERE, during this, our Darkest Hour, that we begin OUR story . . .

“I once was lost . . .”

This episode opens just as last week’s did, with Serena and Blair dining in an outdoor cafe in Paris.

Blair has GOOD NEWS to share with Serena!  Apparently, Prince Louis Grimaldi wants to get inside the Waldorf pantalones SO MUCH, that he’s willing to completely forget the whole “Blair only wants to go out with him, because he is filthy rich” thing.

“What can I say?  I have a soft spot for Upper East Side Pantalones!”

Meanwhile, Serena is trying to work through a MAJOR quandary.  In just a few days, she will heading back to New York, where there will be not one, but TWO men vying for her affections.  WHO will she choose?  The Stud . . .

. . .  or The Dud?

(or, as Blair calls him, The Donut . . .)

Image provided by pleasedrinkaknife.com

Clearly, this would be a tough decision for ANYONE (read: absolutely NO ONE) to make.  That is why it is a good thing that “The Force” is with Serena . . .

And, HOW do we know that The Force is with Miss van der Woodsen, while she is making this decision?   Well, because she’s wearing her Princess Leia’s Prisoner costume, of course!

Unfortunately, for Serena, she has little time to ponder her EPIC decision.  Soon after Blair heads off to prepare for her superficial magical date, Serena gets a phone call from her mother.

The conversation goes something like this:

Mama VDW: A body washed up in Paris.  The police think it belongs to Chuck Bass.  Would you be a dear, and go identify it for me?  I’d go myself.  But I don’t like to leave Rufus alone in the penthouse.  He has a habit of wearing my makeup, and trying on all my dresses in my absence . . .

Serena:  That depends.   Can I f*ck the body?

 Miss VDW:  No . . . remember what happened the LAST time?

Serena: Awwww!  You never let me have ANY fun!  *pouts*  FINNNNNE!  I’ll go!

So, off Serena gallops to the morgue . . .

There, she meets a guy who looks like Albert Einstein, back from the dead . . .

Reincarnated Einstein shows Serena Chuck’s wallet and passport, which she confirms did, in fact, belong to him.  Serena then braces herself, as Reincarnated Einstein lifts the sheet off the deceased’s body.   And it is .  . .

NOT CHUCK!

Of course, considering we ALL saw him end the end of last week’s episode, we already knew that . . .

Wake me when we actually learn something . . .

As luck would have it though, Chuck IS under a sheet at that very moment, just not the one Serena’s peeking under.  Instead, he’s cuddling in bed with a blonde!

“AHHHH!  Oh no!  Not her again!  It’s a nightmare!”

Don’t worry, Chuck, it’s NOT Jenny this time!

“Phew!  Wait . . . who is it then?  Did Blair dye her hair blonde, and not tell me?”

Wrong, again Chuck.  It’s THIS chick . . .

Apparently, Chuck . . . I’m sorry . .  . “Henry Prince” has been shacking up with Eva in Prague, ever since she nursed him back to health from that fatal gunshot wound.  Now, they have relocated to Paris, where Chuck Henry is set to begin work at Eva’s father’s restaurant.  As Chuck Henry heads out into the street, his new trusty cane in hand, he is almost HIT BY A TAXI!

And I bet you will NEVER GUESS who’s in the TAXI?

OMG!  It’s BLAIR!

Our two star-crossed lovebirds lock eyes for one beautiful moment. 

Then, Blair instructs the driver to keep moving, and Chuck Henry limps off dejectedly into the sunset.

” .  . . but now I’m found.”

Following her Morgue Trip, Serena returns to the home she is renting for the summer with Blair, to share with her Bestie all she has learned.  “I was at the Morgue today,” Serena offers, conversationally.

“Is that like a Sex Club?”  Blair inquires, showing us all just how well she knows her blonde friend.

“For me, yes.  But my mom said I couldn’t screw Chuck’s corpse.  She’s such a wet blanket!  It’s a place where they keep dead bodies,” Serena explains.

Serena then explains how Chuck was presumed dead, but is now, apparently, alive and Missing in Action.

“Consider him found,” replies Blair, offering up for discussion her own Bass-sized encounter, from earlier in the day.

Serena is worried about Chuck, and wants Blair to help her locate him.  Serena explains that there was blood on Chuck’s wallet, which may explain why he was limping and using a cane.  Blair, however (who is clearly in DENIAL of her Luuuuuuve), refuses to help find Chuck.  After all, she is about to head off on her boring  magical date with Louis the Royal . . .

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ . . ..

. . . and nothing as insignificant as a ONCE IN A LIFETIME ROMANCE is going to stop her.

Serena quickly (and a little too conveniently) locates Chuck’s and Eva’s new digs, after talking to one of Eva’s relatives.  (Yes, because that’s what my family members do ALL THE TIME:  give my address out to random strangers dressed like Princess Leia.  That’s not risky behavior at all.) 

Serena knocks on the temporary  lovebirds’ door.  Chuck answers.  He then tells Serena that “The man you are looking for is not here,” before SLAMMING THE DOOR IN HER FACE!

Not one to be deterred by rejection (or venereal diseases, or whether the object of her affection is still alive . . . or human), Serena remains outside Chuck’s apartment, like any good stalker would, and waits for him to re-emerge.  Eventually, he does. 

“Awww, man!  You again? Why do they keep sticking me with the blondes, when all I really want is the BRUNETTE!”

“You, should have thought of THAT before you banged the Evil Zombie Raccoon, Bass-tard!”

Serena tries to convince Chuck to come home, where people care about him.  She tells him that he should not hide from who he is.  But HIDE is exactly what Chuck Henry Princetends to do.  In fact, he is scheduled to pick up a fake passport with his new fake (and lame) name that very day.  “There will be NO more Chuck Bass,”  He explains matter-of-factly.

“I was blind . . .”

Once again, Blair is busy preparing for a date with her sweet but dull new Rebound Guy beau, Louis the Royal.  This time, because it is really 1862, he’s invited her out to a BALL. 

Really, Louis?  Isn’t this your third date?  Don’t most guys your age, take their girlfriends out to Mickey D’s for this one, so that they can get laid before SNL starts?  Ummmm . . . Louis, it’s called “trying too hard” . . . and you’re doing it.

Once again, Serena comes by to BEG Blair to convince Chuck to ditch being a “Prince” and return to being his “Bass-tardy” self.  But Blair is not about to let some Evil Queen  . . .

 . . . ruin her fairytale.  She has no interest in speaking to Chuck.

Not wanting to be the Evil Queen (AGAIN), Serena decides to let Blair have her boring fun, and tells her not to worry about Chuck.

However, when Serena receives an envelope containing a deed to Chuck’s Empire hotel, she begins to become even more concerned about his welfare and state of mind.  Serena leaves a phone message with Blair, again begging her to reconsider.

At Harry Winston, Blair, already clad in her evening gown, is picking out jewelry for the Ball, when she comes across a very special ring.

 . . . and wouldn’t you know it, it just so happens to be the ring Chuck bought to propose to Blair — the one that he wouldn’t let go of, even after being held at gunpoint, even after being shot, and nearly bleeding to death!!!!!!  It’s ring that, even though the muggers SHOT Chuck specifically to steal it, was miraculously returned to a Harry Winston store in a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT COUNTRY from where it was initially stolen, completely unscathed.

Clearly, this ring has special powers . . .

One ring to rule them all  . . .

At the same time, Serena magically appears . . .

Ta Da!

 .  . . along with the inspector, who just so happens to be investigating Chuck’s “disappearance.”  As it turns out, the inspector JUST THIS MOMENT discovered that this STOLEN ring, which its thieves apparently tried to exchange for cash, at the SNOOTIEST, MOST EXPENSIVE, OFTEN FREQUENTED BY ROYALTY, jewelry store in Paris, once belonged to Chuck, and, by extension, ALMOST belonged to Blair.

Huh?

“Chuck was shot?”  Blair whispers, her voice breaking as she speaks, not believing the words that are coming out of her mouth.

Not only was Chuck SHOT, he was SHOT clinging tightly to what could have been Blair’s engagement ring.  For Chuck, it was a final act of love, for a women he truly believed would never again love him in return.  

(Now, even a snarky cynic like me, can’t joke about THAT!  That’s the sweetest thing I have EVER heard.)

FINALLY, realizing all that he had sacrificed for her, Blair decides that she HAS to talk to Chuck, and convince him to come back home. If she doesn’t, she will surely spend the rest of her life regretting it.

” . . . but now I see.”

Off Blair rushes to the train station to catch Chuck before he disappears once again . . . this time, quite possibly for good.  The two meet on a train platform overlooking the city.  She is dressed like a Princess; He, like Pauper.  The pair’s eyes meet, and the natural chemistry between them instantly electrifies the whole screen.  Yes, Chuck and Blair fans!  THIS is the moment we’ve been waiting all summer for!

“Just because you are poorly dressed, doesn’t mean you are not Chuck Bass,” offers Blair.  (Leave it to Blair to talk fashion choices at a time like this . . .)

Blair then expresses hurt that Chuck never told her that he had been so badly hurt.  Despite their problems, this was something she felt she would want to know.  Chuck explains that when he woke up in the hospital, and realized that no one knew where he was, he decided that he no longer had to BE a man he now despised . . . Chuck Bass.  Chuck wishes to change, to become a person someone could love. 

“Someone did love you,” replies Blair, causing tears to well up in Chuck’s eyes.

“I destroyed the only thing I ever loved,” Chuck says morosely, leaning toward Blair, yet cautiously keeping his distance, fearing that if he gets any closer, he will completely break down.

Blair then calmly explains to Chuck that she doesn’t love him anymore . . .

 . . . but that it would take more than him to destroy Blair Waldorf. 

(Awww, see!  They both like to talk about themselves in the third person!  Anyone else would find that REALLY ANNOYING!  Clearly, these two are made for one another.)

And, just in case, any of you cynics out there doubted for a SECOND that there was hope for these two crazy kids, yet, Blair confirms it with her final heartfelt statement: “It wouldn’t be My World, without you in it.”

Later, Chuck meets up with Eva, once again. 

She is happy to see him.  Having seen Blair, who she recognized running to the train station the other day, Eva became convinced that Chuck had left Eva to be with her (which he SHOULD have).  Chuck promises Eva that this was not his intention. 

As it turns out, Chuck wants to return to New York.  Once there, he intends to become a better person than he once was.  He would like Eva to come with him.  She inquires whether he has already purchased tickets for them.   “We don’t need tickets,” Chuck explains.  “I’m Chuck Bass.”

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, THE BASS HAS RE-ENTERED THE BUILDING!

Realizing that, like Chuck, SHE was also running away from her problems, by staying in Paris, Blair promptly dumps Louis the Boring Royal . . . but leaves him a smelly high heel to remember her by .  . .

Just like Cinderella . . . only not.

Meanwhile, back in Psycho Stalker Land . . .

Virtual Stranger Juliet offers to be Nate’s “Life Coach,” after learning that Serena sent him a cryptic text message, saying that she, “Needs to talk to [him].”

Nate instantly takes Juliet up on her offer.  Real smart, Nate!  I know I always make it a habit to take life advice from people I know next to nothing about, who, despite having just met me, already have pictures of me plastered all over their bedroom wall . . .

Ummm, how exactly did Brilliant Nate get into Columbia?  And don’t say nepotism, because his Dad just so happens to be a Lowlife Loser White Collar Crook . . .

As Nate’s Life Ruiner Coach, Juliet’s first instruction is that he eliminate all competition for Serena’s heart.

According to Juliet, this can be done by pushing the competition out a 13-story window getting said competition involved with another girl who is NOT Serena.  Juliet mentions Dan’s name.  However, Nate does not consider Dan competition.  (Who would?) 

Nevertheless, Juliet is determined to prove to Nate that Dan IS his competition, and therefore, must be DESTROYED!  So, Juliet and Nate head to Dan’s place.  Once there, Nate casually asks Dan, if he has heard from Serena.  Dan says he hasn’t.   Yet, when Dan leaves the room.  Juliet nabs his cell phone, and, after doing a bit of snooping, promptly shows it to Nate.  It says THIS:

“OMG, NATE,” says Juliet.  “See what this says.  Apparently,  Serena sent a message to Dan about wanting to see HIM TOO!  And even though it says the message is “NEW,” which usually means the person HASN’T READ IT  YET, clearly, Dan has already read it.  He just made it LOOK like it was still not read, to psych you out.  He KNEW you would be checking his text messages, when he left the room.  That sneaky bastard.  Dan is TOTALLY out to steal your girl, Nate.”

Not typically one to “think for himself” (It gives him a headache.), the gorgeous, but mentally “special” Nate reluctantly agrees that Dan is, in fact, probably, trying to steal Serena from him.

“Oh, it’s ON  . . .”

“Like Donkey Kong . . .”

After a few moments of brain-burning THOUGHT, Nate and Juliet come to realize that the only other person, aside from Serena, that would currently be willing to bang Papa Dan, is Vanessa .  . .

So, like any good 13-year old girl, Juliet tells Vanessa that she heard that Nate said . . .  that Dan said .  . . that Dan . . . REALLY wants to bone Vanessa on a regular basis.  Nate, who’s nonexistent short term memory has caused him to forget that HE was once IN LOVE with Vanessa, plays along.  He agrees with Juliet that Vanessa should TOTALLY ride that Humping Humphrey Pony. 

And so, ride it, Vanessa does . . .

The next day, Vanessa tells Dan how happy she is that Juliet passed her a note in gym class that said “Humping Humphrey has the Hots for Venereal Disease-Free Vanessa.”  After all, if not for Juliet and Nate, Dan and Vanessa might not have gotten around to doing the horizontal mambo for a whole TWO MORE EPISODES.  When Dan hears about his alleged “crush,” he makes this face . . .

FINALLY, figuring out that his so-called friend has played him like a fiddle, Dan texts Nate the following:  “I know what you did last summer told Vanessa.”

Nate rushes over to his boyfriend’s house to explain his bad behavior.  But while the two are discussing the REAL reason behind Nate’s underhandedness: Juliet’s Psychosis His and Dan’s mutual feelings for Serena, Vanessa overhears.  Realizing that she will ALWAYS be the boys’ second choice, behind Serena (well . . . maybe THIRD CHOICE . . . behind Serena and Blair . . . or is it fourth choice?  Behind Serena, Blair AND Evil Jenny . . . and what about Georgina . . .)  Vanessa storms out in a huff.

Later, Dan decides that he DOES like Vanessa better than Serena, after all, for now.  (Unlike S, who literally screwed everything that moved this summer, V is most likely VD free.  So, at least, she has THAT going for her.)  So, Dan apologizes to Vanessa, and the two become a couple again for the 865th time since Gossip Girl began.

By the time, Serena finally arrives back in NYC — ready to make her “Big Choice” between Dan and Nate –her two suitors are already otherwise occupied, or so she thinks.  At the apartment, Serena finds Dan clutching Boring Vanessa’s hand, and Nate clutching Crazy Juliet’s hand.  So, it looks like Serena will have to go back to screwing random men on the streets for a while . . .

It wouldn’t be the first time . . . and it probably won’t be the last.

After Serena goes off with her tail between her legs, looking for her next conquest, Nate asks Juliet out for real.  Ummm, Nate, have you ever seen the movie Fatal Attraction?  Because you might want to Netflix it before taking this chicky out . . . just saying.

A photograph of Juliet Sharp in about 20 years . . .

At the conclusion of the episode, we see Juliet staring up at her Wall of Weird . . .

From the Wall, she promptly removes all photos of Nate, Dan and Vanessa.  In fact, she removes EVERY photo from the wall, except for Serena’s mugshot.  On the phone, she tells someone unknown to the viewers:  “I had to improvise a bit.  But it’s done . . . Hang in there.  I miss you.”

Ummmmm . . . OK . . . maybe NATE isn’t the one who has to worry about a Fatal Attraction.  Hide your pet bunny, Serena!

Oh, and did I mention that apparent Blood EXPERT (and possible Vampire) Papa Rufus determined, based on the kid’s blood type, that Baby Milo most likely isn’t Dan’s (which 99.9% of us knew already)?  No?  Well . . . now I have.

XOXO!

(Note:  A number of the screencaps above were provided courtesy of cwtv.com and chuckandblairtheperfectpair.wordpress.com.  Thanks to both sites for the fabulous photo stills.)

[www.juliekushner.com]

What’s become of the broken hearted? – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s Season Premiere “Belles Du Jour”

“They say it’s a broken heart, but I hurt with my whole body.” 

Although the above-referenced statement might sound like a line from a pharmeceutical commercial . . .

Are you depressed?  Lonely?  Not feeling quite like yourself?  If so, you might be suffering from Chuck Bass withdrawal . . .

 . . . it was actually uttered by Blair Waldorf, toward the end of Gossip Girl’s Season 4 premiere, “Belles Du Jour.”  Of course, our favorite Queen B wasn’t the only one feeling that way.  In fact, whether or not they were willing to admit it, each member of “Manhattan’s Elite” was nursing a broken heart of some sort, during this past summer.  And this first episode illustrated to GG fans the highly distinct ways that these characters chose to cope with their unique brands of heartache . . .

The Fountain of Ruthless

Ever wonder what it would be like to swim in a fountain in Paris?  You might want to ask Serena . . .

When the episode opens, we are treated to the oh-so-familar voice of Gossip Girl, as she summarizes the highlights of Blair’s and Serena’s epic summer abroad in Paris. 

Now, I know this is ONLY a TV show, and we are supposed to suspend reality a bit here.  And yet, I can’t help but cry foul.  It’s one thing for Gossip Girl, who was presumably a fellow student at Constance Billard Prep, to follow the goings on of Serena and Blair, during the first two seasons of the show.  By extension, it would be conceivable for Gossip Girl to continue to follow the girls in college, seeing as the entire crew seemed to stay in New York City.  I can even understand how Gossip Girl got scoop on the girls’ previous summers in the Hamptons, since ALL of the Upper East Siders summered there.  But for her to chronicle the girls’ ENTIRE SUMMER IN PARIS?

Are we supposed to believe that this ambitious 19-year old has Frenchies on her payroll too?  Or, perhaps, she flew to Paris, herself.  Ummm . . . you know, we have a word for that here in America, Gossip Girl.  It’s called STALKING.  And it’s ILLEGAL. 

Be afraid for your EX, Mr. Archibald.  VERY afraid!

Oh, and while we’re on the subject, are we supposed to believe that Gossip Girl is intrepid enough (and lame enough) to know exactly where in Paris Blair eats her morning muffins, but has NO CLUE that Chuck was almost SHOT TO DEATH PRAGUE??!! 

Gee, I don’t know the answer to that question . .  . but I CAN tell you that Serena went to the bathroom 8 times yesterday!  Could she be diabetic?

Come on Show Writers, have a little faith in your fans’ intelligence .  . .

But I digress . . . back to Blair and Serena.  Gossip Girl informs us that Serena has screwed the entire West Bank of Paris in a single summer, causing stock prices for all condom manufacturers located there to soar through the roof.  This single-handedly ends the country’s economic recession.

Serena van der Woodsen:  Saving the world, one f*ck at a time!

Meanwhile, BLAIR . . . did some sightseeing and . . . (gasp) ATE CARBS!

It’s OK, Blair.  Five pounds can be easily lost, but an STD is forever . . .

In other words, Blair may have eaten crabs in Paris, but SERENA took them home . . .

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that Blair WASN’T looking for love in Paris, she was just a little pickier about it than Serena.  Specifically, suitors who are neither royalty  . . .

nor Chuck Bass .  . .

. . . need not apply.

One day, Blair is admiring an exquisite Manet at a nearby museum . . .

. . . when she realizes that someone else is admiring her . . .

His name is Louis.  And, to his credit, he does a fairly nice job of feigning sufficient interest in the artwork, to convince Blair that he’s cultured enough to accompany Her Majesty to dinner.  But what REALLY seals the deal for Louis is this . . .

 . . . a chauffeured car and a Royal Family Name Drop. 

(GIF provided by http://ohnotheydidnt.livejournal.com)

In preparation for her Big Night Out, a newly ecstatic Blair commandeers BFF Serena for a shopping excursion, where no credit card is left behind. 

“Blair, Cinderella did NOT Google Prince Charming,” Serena lectures, as our Queen B tries desperately to get additional intel on her would-be suitor.

Cinderella may not have, but that doesn’t mean that WE can’t .  . .

Speaking of Serena, she has some good news of her own.  Turns out, our girl has been accepted into Columbia University, where Blair and Nate will also be matriculating this upcoming fall. 

And yet, Serena is not quite sure how to break this so-called “good” news to Blair, who apparently has final say on all her friends’ continuing education choices.  So, of course, in typical Serena fashion, she says . . . nothing.

“I wanted to tell her!  But my Mom always said that it’s rude to talk with your mouth full.”

Mouth full or not, Blair invites Serena to tag along on her date with Louis, because Louis’ “friend,” Jean Michel, also wants to come along.  All seems well in Blair-land — that is, of course, until Louis shows up, DRIVING HIS OWN CAR .  . .

 . . . and wearing a fashion accessory that makes him most unworthy of receiving the annointed status of Queen B’s Beau  . . .

A Chauffeur’s CAP?  OMG!  The dude might as well have been wearing a KKK hood, as far as Blair is concerned . . .

According to Louis, Jean Michel is the ROYAL, and HE, is nothing more than the lowly driver.

At dinner, Blair tries to be courteous to her “blue collar” date, but ends up doing a really crappy job of it  — responding to an admittedly not-that-funny anecdote about Louis wearing blue jeans to a fancy dinner, by lecturing her guests on the importance of respecting the “Rules of Fashion.”

“That’s right, Louis!  And if you don’t eat every last vegetable on your plate, I will see to it that you are GROUNDED!”

But the poo REALLY hits the fan, when Blair receives a call from her mother, who was apparently, oh-so-excited to learn that Serena would be going to Columbia with Blair, that she had to call her IMMEDIATELY to gossip about it.  Massive international time differences be damned!

 “OH HELL NO!  You mean to tell me THAT DUMB SLUT got into Columbia?  Aren’t there ANY standards in the Ivy Leagues anymore?  I might has well have gone to (gasp) a STATE SCHOOL!”

Now, Blair, despite being, by all other accounts, highly intelligent (and despite having been out of high school for OVER A YEAR) STILL has not disabused herself of the notion that the whole wide world is made up of two classes of people:  the popular clique and BIG FAT LOSERS of Turdville.  Additionally, Blair truly believes that the “popular clique” at Columbia is not big enough for both her and Serena.  So, if Serena matriculates there (without banging the entire rugby team and flunking out her first semester– which, let’s face it, is probably what she’s going to end up doing, anyway), Blair will be banished to Turdville for ALL ETERNITY . . . or at least until college graduation. 

OH THE HORROR!

So, Blair not-so-subtly drags Serena outside and more or less tells her she CANNOT attend Columbia University. 

“Now, look what you’ve done, Serena!  You have made me break out my ANGRY FACE!  Do you have any idea how much BOTOX I’m going to need in the future to repair all the damage you’ve caused?”

When Serena refuses to obey her Bestie’s matriculation wishes, Blair does THIS . . .

 . . . which results in THIS . . .

“I’m MELTING!  I’m MELTING!”

A very WET Serena returns to the restaurant, to find Blair trying to make up lame excuses for her absence to Louis and Jean Michel.  But Jean Michel already LOVES Serena (of course), and immediately escorts her out.   When Louis shows an interest in finishing dinner with Blair (though, honestly, after her rude behavior that night, I’m not quite sure why), Blair quickly suggests they follow Jean Michel instead.  And THAT is when Louis drops the bomb on her.

As it turns out, Louis IS royal, after all! 

He just wanted to test Blair to see if she really liked him for his personality, or just for his esteemed status.  And Blair FAILED the test . . . MISERABLY.

I guess she should have Googled her Prince Charming a bit more thoroughly . . .

That night, as Serena packs to travel home, a guilt-ridden, dumped, tail-between-her legs, Blair apologizes profusely for her bad behavior — chalking it all up to Chuck-induced depression.  Blair even “gallantly” allows Serena to attend HER college.  The “best friends” promptly kiss and makeup.  HOORAY!

Awwww, LOOK!  They’re even in front of a fountain . . . MEMORIES!

 Hit me with a Baby, One More Time!

In other news, Dan is shacking up and playing house with Georgina  . . .

 . . . along with their supposed lovechild, Baby Milo. 

But, as always, Georgina is obviously hiding something.  Repeatedly, during the episode, she gets angry secret phone calls from some harsh-sounding Eastern European dude, who, for some reason, seems OBSESSED with Georgina getting Dan to sign the kid’s birth certificate.  What does this guy have on Georgina?  And why the hell does he care so much about Dan?  (Nobody else does!) 

Perhaps Baby Milo is HIS, and he’s using Dan’s paternity of Milo to get his own Greencard? 

Who knows?  What we do know is that Dan is in some serious Doo Doo!

When Dan starts avoiding his parental units (because, of course, he’s never told them about the baby), Rufus and Lily. . .

 . . .  start to suspect something is up with him.   And so, Dan’s parents send in for reinforcements.  Or, rather, one REALLY ANNOYING reinforcement . . .

Vanessa barges into Dan’s apartment and finds him  .  . . with child.

Meet Milo!  The NOT AT ALL realistic looking spawn of “Dangina”  (Although . . . he DOES seem to have his dad’s chin.)

While Dan is reminiscing with the snoozy girlfriend that almost was, Georgina is busy accidentally / on purpose spilling the beans to Dan’s parents about their new grandchild.  Rufus is skeptical, and rightly so.  His only solace comes from the fact that Dan has not yet signed Milo’s birth certificate.  “Get  . . . a . . . paternity . . . test . . . NOW!”  Rufus demands.

“Fortunately,” Georgina has one right in her purse!  (How VERY convenient!)  When Rufus once again questions the reliability of these results  rightly so), Georgina has them TELEPHONE the doctor for confirmation.  (Riiiiiight, because doctors can NEVER be paid off!) 

Unsurprisingly, the doctor confirms that Dan is, in fact, the Baby Daddy.  So, “New Papa Humphrey,” who has, apparently, never watched an episode of Law and Order before, immediately signs the birth certificate, and returns it to Georgina.  The next day Georgina is GONE, and Dan is left to care for Baby Milo ALONE!

Oh, wait!  That was supposed to be SHOCKING, right?  I’m sorry.  Let’s try that again . . .

Better?

Nate gets a date . .  . (well, actually,  a lot of them — but only one that really matters)

Since the two are attempting to get over EACHOTHER, it makes sense that both Serena and Nate are mending their broken hearts in the exact same way . . . through their pants.

I found these in Nate’s hotel room.  Either that guy is getting laid LOTS, or he’s attempting to open a Victoria’s Secret franchise . . .

Armed with the MIA Chuck’s Little Black Book, Nate has spent his summer boning some of the New York City’s skankiest honeys.  And yet, the fun of it all is starting to wear a little thin.   And, perhaps, THAT is what intrigues him about the seemingly bookish, slightly standoffish, but still ridiculously attractive, Juliet Sharpe . . .

Although initially put off by his man-whoring ways, Juliet appears to recognize in Nate a troubled man with a good soul.  So, eventually, she slips him her digits, and offers him a shoulder (and pair of boobs) to cry on.  Of course, Nate readily accepts the offer.  He’s IS guy, after all!

And yet, at the very end of the episode, we see that Juliet may not be exactly who she seems to be.  For starters, she has THIS over her desk . . .

You mean Juliet is a FANGIRL, who watches GOSSIP GIRL, and loves Chace Crawford?  How very meta!

Actually, it’s not only Nate that’s featured on the wall.  Other cast members Upper East Siders are represented there too . . .

And it’s not just pictures of them.  It’s also notes, magazine clippings, and other assorted intel.  CREEPY!

OK.  So, here are my guesses as to Juliet’s “BIG SECRET.”  (1) Juliet IS, in fact, a stalker / psycho killer, which could make her a lot of fun, and/or unbelievably lame, depending on how well her character is written;

(2)  She’s some undercover CIA or FBI operative, sent to investigate criminal activity within the Archibald Family, or the Bass Family, or the van der Woodsen Family (They each include AT LEAST one criminal, after all).

Yeah, I know.  I know.  This ISN’T Katie Cassidy (the actress who plays Juliet).  It’s actually Heather Locklear, back when she was in her twenties.  But the two kind of look alike, so I thought I might get away with it.  Sorry.

or (3) (and this is my personal favorite)  Juliet Sharpe is GOSSIP GIRL!

“XOXO, Juliet Gossip Girl”

A plot twist like this would be AWESOME!  For one thing, it would serve to FINALLY solve the four-year long mystery of who this Upper East Side stalker biatch actually is. (And DON’T say she’s Kristen Bell, because I’m not just talking about the “voice” of Gossip Girl, and YOU know it!)

“I am NOT a GOSSIP!  I just play one on TV!”

Additionally, since we already KNOW Juliet and Nate will eventually hook up, I think it will be absolutely HILARIOUS to watch Gossip Girl try to repeatedly “blast” news items, in which she is one of the key players.  Here is an example of what such a news blast might look like:

 “Spotted, Nate Archibald doing the horizontal mambo in the backseat of a limo with ME! ME! ME! YAY! WOOHOO! OMG! HE’S SO HOT! random nobody, Juliet Sharpe.”

GG writers, PLEASE make this happen!

Oh, and just in case you were wondering where Chuck Bass was . . .

“Ummmm, YAH!  That’s why we’ve suffered through this whole long recap.  DUH!”

He’s dead!

Just kidding!  He’s PRESUMED dead, but actually alive, having been nursed back to health by some random blonde chicky.

“Who the heck are you?”

“I’m Eva, Chuck!  What’s the matter?  Don’t you read spoilers?”

Apparently, these two were shacked up in Prague throughout Chuck’s (sorry “Henry Prince’s”) recovery.  But, now, they have left Prague . . .

 .  . .   and arrived in (shocker of shockers) PARIS . . .

 . . . temporary home away from home to one, Blair Waldorf.

Golly, GG fans!  Paris is a MIGHTY BIG PLACE!  These two star-crossed lovers couldn’t possibly cross paths there.  Could they? 😉

There you have it folks, our first GG episode of Season 4.  Was it everything you hoped for?  Or were you as peeved by the Extreme Lack of Chuck, as I was?

P.S.  Before I sign off, I would be totally remiss, if I did not take this opportunity, during my first GG post of the new fall season, to thank the lovely folks at Chuck and Blair the Perfect Pair for helping me get my GG fix all summer long.  If you haven’t visited their site yet, please, by all means, drop everything you are doing, and GO NOW!  I am serious!  You will NOT be disappointed!

XOXO

[www.juliekushner.com]