“OK, men of Gossip Girl! The race to my bed (and into my panties) begins RIGHT NOW! On your mark . . . get set . . .GO!”
Welcome back, Upper East Siders! Congratulations on surviving yet another interminable GG hiatus! To reward your patience, Blair, Chuck, Serena, Dan and the rest of the gang (
which, obviously, does NOT include Vanessa, because Vanessa sucks Monkey Butt) wish to share with you five BRAND NEW hours of makeouts, makeups, breakups, betrayals, conspicuous consumption, fights, schemes gone horribly awry, and, hopefully, at least one or two SUPER HOT SEX SCENES . . .
And while this week’s episode of Gossip Girl, wasn’t exactly the most action-packed I’ve seen, it did set the stage for what looks like it will be a riveting final third of the season.
So, slip into that ugly gold unitard, and smile for the camera . . . because this recap is about to begin!
Bed-ridden, Befuddled, and Bound for the Slammer . . .
“Have you really been in BED for the entire hiatus, Blair? How have you NOT flunked out of college yet?”
The episode begins with the media camped outside the van der Woodsen’s home, as a result of Lily having FINALLY turned herself into the police, for forging her daughter’s signature on a legal document stating that Boring Ben statutorily raped her, back in the day.
Thank the LORD that storyline is FINALLY over!
Dorota, who knows how much Blair enjoys hearing about people who’s lives are worse than hers, traipses into Blair’s bedroom clutching the live news footage. But Blair wants NO part of Serena’s Family Shame. She is DEPRESSED, and, apparently, hasn’t left her bed for THREE WEEKS. Of course, Mama Eleanor and Step Papa Cyrus haven’t noticed, because that would require a level of parenting simply unheard of on this show.
“We have a daughter? So, THAT’S who’s been using the guest room all this time!”
Interestingly enough, Blair’s depression seems to have been triggered by the Saliva Swapping she engaged in with Dan Humphrey, about a month back . . .
That’s funny. This image caused widespread depression among most Chair fans too! Go figure!
Dorota, who assumes that Blair has “taken to her bed,” because she was fired from / quit her
ridiculously unrealistic job as editorial assistant at W Magazine, gently reminds Blair that “Carmela Soprano” i.e. Edie Falco, didn’t become truly successful until age 40 . . .
The things you learn from watching Gossip Girl . . .
AGE FORTY?! That’s like 92, in GOSSIP GIRL YEARS! Fortunately, for Blair, she’s not going to have to wait that long. As if, on cue, the phone rings. It’s Epperley!
Remember THAT useless plot device of a character?
Back from her Epic Quest for Love in Bali, and ready to work once more, Epperley is now working on a photo book entitled “Modern Royalty,” which will feature photgraphs’ of Manhattan’s most elite families. Now you would think that Blair, being a Waldorf, and the daughter of a famous fashion designer, would be the perfect person to be featured in that book. But, conveniently, NO! Epperley instead wants Blair to WORK at the shoot.
“You have GOT to be kidding me?”
It’s a real testament to how much Blair Waldorf has grown over the seasons, that, not only is the Queen B, NOT upset over her family not being featured in the book, she is also TOTALLY willing to help Epperley with the event. Soon after this phone conversation takes place, we learn that “hiring” Blair was not Epperley’s idea at all, but CHUCK’S!
“Game on, BITCHES!”
That’s right, boy and girls! After having had his head lodged firmly up his ass, for the past five episodes, during that whole Raina Thorpe / Bass Industries nonsense, Chuck Bass has FINALLY remembered what (or, perhaps, I should say WHO) is important in his life. And, now, he will stop at NOTHING to get what he wants . . .
“Someone told me something that made me want my own legacy, not my father’s. I can’t convince Blair of her place in it, until she’s feeling powerful again,” Chuck tells Epperley over the phone.
Chuck spends most of the early part of the episode calling various cast members to inquire after Blair. “What has she been up to, while I was chasing
a poorly written storyline Raina? Has she been seeing anyone?” He wonders.
Watching these first scenes, I, of course, was THRILLED that Chuck was, once again, making a much-needed play for Blair’s heart (It’s about DAMN TIME!).
Yet, already, I feared Chuck wasn’t going about things the right way. Note to all you prospective suitors out there: If you want to know what the girl of your dreams has been doing while you were “away,” and whether or not she still feelings for you, ASK HER! Otherwise, there’s a good chance you won’t get the whole story. Unfortunately, Chuck’s inability to get the “whole story” was what ultimately foiled his chances at long-lasting romance, this week.
Meanwhile, over in Brooklyn, Dan and Mini van der Woodsen are wearing matching Farmer Flannel Shirts . . .
Weird . . .
With Nate over at the Bass Penthouse boning Raina, Poor Lonely Boy is lacking a dumping ground for his Girl Problems. The sensitive (and currently storyline free) Mini VDW seems like a solid choice for the job of Dan’s Shrink of the Week. “I kissed Blair,” Dan confesses, causing Eric (an obvious Chair fan) to double over in hysterical laughter.
Though Dan claims the kiss meant nothing, he does seem more than a bit curious as to how Blair felt about it, since she supposedly said NOT ONE WORD, after it occurred. (Not a good sign Dan . . . NOT a good sign.) Eric of course, sees right through his stepbrother’s false bravado. “Omigod,” he exclaims, “You are ASS BACKWARDS crushing on Blair!”
“Well, duh! Isn’t EVERYBODY on this show?”
Meanwhile, back at Lily’s place . . .
You Stay Classy, van der Woodsens!
Meet Lily van der Woodsen, and two of her FIVE husbands. Eat your heart out, Big Love!
While, the Waldorfs may not be “”sophisticated” enough to be included in the “Modern Royalty” book, Soon-to-be Convict Lily and Slutty Serena sure ARE! However, since it is technically the “Rhodes” family, and not the van der Woodsens’ who will be featured in the book, this gives Lily’s Evil Mother Cece an excuse to invite Lily’s estranged older sister, Carol, to be included in the picture. Though Carol seemingly wants NOTHING to do with Lily’s hoity toity Manhattan lifestyle, she, apparently, isn’t disgusted enough by it, to give up the opportunity to have her picture featured in a book celebrating the most Most Obnoxiously Wealthy Families in America.
“What do you say we have a Botox Party to celebrate? For old time’s sake?”
Blatant hypocrisy aside, Sister Carol won me over immediately, due largely to her unparalleled ability to rip Lily’s upper crust lifestyle to shreds, in a manner that was both extremely effective and undoubtedly hilarious. Ways in which Carol verbally slayed Lily included: (1) referring to Dr. VDW and Rugus as husbands numbered 1 and 5, respectively; (2) talking to Serena about her mother’s Brazilian wax jobs; (3) coming up with increasingly creative ways to “subtly” make reference to Lily’s impending jail time; and (4) suggesting that the theme for the family picture be Chicago, a broadway show, which also stars a hardened female criminal.
So, why would the “Modern Royalty” book want a dysfunctional family like Lily’s featured within its pages? Actually . . . they don’t. The book publishers call to cancel the photo shoot, shortly after Carol enters the building. Feeling sympathetic to a heartbroken Lily, Dr. VDW promises her that he will “work on it.”
Good Luck, Charlie!
Oh, look! Another seemingly innocent blonde,
who’s about to become corrupted by the UES lifestyle, and will eventually go batsh*t crazy, and try to ruin Serena’s life, as a result. Because we’ve never seen THAT before, right?
Downstairs, in the lobby of the high rise where she lives, Serena is accosted by a young woman who looks SO much like her, they could be related. “My family is not talking to the press,” asserts Serena haughtily, who’s self-absorbed arrogance convinces her that everyone in the world is a reporter, who’s life’s purpose is to interview HER.
As it turns out, “Charlie” is NOT a reporter! And she IS related to Serena. In fact, she’s Carol Rhodes’ daughter, which makes her Serena’s cousin. Curious about the EEEEVVVIL branch of her family that her mother never allowed her to meet, Charlie decided to secretly follow her mother to New York City, and find out about the van der Woodsen’s for herself. So, Serena decides to bond with her long-lost relative the only way she knows how
having sex with her: They go SHOPPING!
Though not as deliciously nasty as Carol, the socially awkward Charlie also endeared herself to me, with HER characterization of the van der Woodsen family! When asked by Serena, why her mother thought the VDW’s were “toxic,” Charlie replied, “Both you and your brother spent time in a mental institution. Your dad gave your mom Fake Cancer. And your mom sent some teacher to prison, just so you could get into a fance boarding school.”
“You forgot the part where my mother and I slept our way through every eligible (and some not-so-eligible) bachelors in the tri-state area!”
Meanwhile, Lily and Carol are, back at the house, strolling down memory lane as they flip through pictures of
the failed pilot episode starring these two as teens them, from when they were growing up together, back in the 80’s.
This segways into a random discussion about a childhood dance routine (which Lily and Carol actually PERFORM for the camera . . . and it looks a little something like this) . . .
. . . and . . . get this . . . the Gold Unitards they wore during it. Suddenly, Lily and Carol are ready to Spend Obscene Amounts of Money on Things They Don’t Need too . . . like Gold Unitards, which NO ONE over the age of FIVE should wear . . . trust me! Of course, while shopping, Lily and Carol run into Serena and Charlie . . .
Carol immediately begins scolding Charlie, in public, rambling on about how she doesn’t want HER daughter tainted by this Terrible Horrible Filthy Rich lifestyle to which the rest of the “Rhodes” family is already accustomed. She then forces Charlie to return all the FABULOUS clothes she purchased (not to mention the priceless “family heirloom” Serena gave her) and head back to their
spaceship HOUSE BOAT in Miami, ASAP.
But just when it seems like all hope of a family reunion is lost, Serena overhears CeCe remind her daughter Carol that SHE too has been receiving checks from Grandma Cruella Deville. for YEARS! Serena tells Charlie this, which quickly prompts the young woman’s rebellion / decision to stay on the Upper East Side for a little while to
cause more trouble for the Gossip Girl cast, like all recurring guest stars inevitably do“get to know her family.”
“Toto, I don’t think we are on the House Boat, anymore!”
Experiencing guilt over being such a hypocritical BIATCH to her own baby sister, Carol ultimately agrees to let Charlie stay with the VDW’s. (She even promises to visit Lily, while she’s in jail and smuggle her in pot brownies. I KNEW I liked this chick, for a reason!)
Of course, this is not before Carol ominously refers to some “event” that resulted in Charlie having to leave college, and warns her sister, Lily, to “watch out for [Charlie].” Later, we see Carol leering at Charlie, as she flirts with Dan Humphrey, for the first time. UH OH! I think we all know where THIS is going . . .
“I REFUSE to be ignored, Lonely Boy!”
Oh, and just in case you actually cared, the van der Woodsen / Rhodes ultimately got to take their picture for the Modern Royalty book. Dan was in the photograph, but Raccoon Zombie Jenny wasn’t, or Chuck, for that matter. How RUDE!
Hey! Where are the Gold Unitards I was promised?
Speaking of family affairs you don’t really give two craps about, Nate Archibald is going to help Raina go on a mission to find her long lost mother, who, as we know, is (unbeknownst to Raina) burnt to a crisp, and dead as a doornail.
I hope they bring a shovel!
Finally, in the story you’ve all been waiting for . . .
Chuck wins back Blair . . . and loses her . . . again . . . in a matter of minutes
DAN: “Are you here to fight for Blair’s honor?”
CHUCK: “Nah, I just need to use your bathroom. I have to piss like a racehorse!”
No one’s secrets are safe on Gossip Girl. And when Blair admits to Epperley that she has experienced a “kiss that profoundly changed her,” Epperley immediately texts that information to Chuck. So, of course, Chuck heads out, to find out who owns the “life changing lips” in question. He visits Humphrey first. And, within, minutes, the latter is just rambling on and on (and on . . . and on) about how WONDERFUL Blair is. Chuck puts two and two together, and figures out that Dan Humphrey’s lips are the “Evil Culprits.”
“Yes, he can kiss you. But the question is, can he give you HOT LIMO SEX?”
Determined to show up the competition, Chuck gets Epperley to invite Dan to the “Modern Royalty” photo shoot, under the guise of his being featured in the “up-and-comer” section. Poor Misguided Humpty Dumpty immediately assumes that it was Blair that got him included in the book. So, of course, he is thrilled at the prospect of her returning his affections.
“She likes me! She REALLY likes me!”
However, upon arriving at the shoot, Humphrey learns from Blair, herself, that this is NOT the case.
In fact . . . get this . . . Dan’s kiss was ONLY life-changing, in the sense that it made Blair realize that she NEVER WANTED TO DO IT AGAIN! (Ouch!) In fact, the only man she EVER wants to swap saliva with, for the rest of eternity, is . . . wait for it . . . CHUCK BASS!
But then, OF COURSE, Chuck, being CHUCK, has to go SCREW EVERYTHING UP, by confronting Blair with his extremely snobbish, and arrogant, scheme to show her that “Humdrum Humphrey” is not part of “their world.”
(Dammit CHUCK! You were SO CLOSE! Why did you have to go and a be a . . . word that rhymes with your name, and starts with “F?” )
“Dan Humphrey may not be royalty, but at least he’s not a child,” argues Blair, before stomping off.
In an attempt to right his wrongs, Chuck later brings Blair into his dressing room and
screws her brains out, like only he can shows her the original Princess Diana dress he bought for her (sweet . . . yet . . . at the same time . . . slightly morbid?). You see, Chuck wants Blair to be in his photo for the “Modern Royalty” shoot, because SHE is his family . . .
All together now . . . “Awwwwwww!”
“We can build our futures together,” says Chuck.
“That’s funny. Because, this morning, I came to same conclusion. I was ready to be with you. I thought you changed, but I can see you are not ready,” says Blair sadly.
She then exits stage left, leaving Chuck and his beautiful dress, all by themselves, thereby forcing the Big Bass to pose solo for the loneliest family portrait EVER!
Man, these characters can be SO frustrating sometimes!
Later, Blair confronts Dan, to apologize for the dirty trick Chuck played on him, and for telling Chuck that their kiss meant absolutely nothing, RIGHT IN FRONT OF DAN! TO Dan’s credit, he takes rejection REALLY well. (I mean, given his history on this show, he’s GOTTA be used to this by now . . .)
Heck, Dan was just happy Blair compared kissing him to kissing a DOG instead of a TOAD . . . (Talk about setting low standards for yourself!)
But wait! SOMEONE was listening in on Blair’s and Dan’s private conversation! Golly gee, I wonder who it could BE?
SURPRISE! It’s MAN-NESSA, the Psycho Stalker who Lives to Snoop, and who just so happened to be present at the photo shoot, as part of her
NefariousPlan to Continually Cock Block Every Male on this Show ! internship.
GG fans, I’m seriously thinking of starting a campaign to get this character hit by a BUS? Anybody with me?
But it’s not bad enough that Man-nessa eavesdrops on Dan’s and Blair’s conversation. SHE then decides, despite the fact that both members of the lip-locking party explicitly tell eachother that the kiss they shared meant nothing, to CALL SERENA and rat them out to HER!!!!
I’m serious about the whole Hit by a Bus Thing, by the way . . . Or, maybe Chuck can throw her off the Empire State Building! That would be pretty cool, right?
The inability of Man-nessa to stay out of my favorite characters’ lives for any extended period of time, even though NOBODY LIKES HER ON THE SHOW, is doing something strange to me . . . it’s actually making me MISS THE RACCOON ZOMBIE!
Oh, the horror!
At the end of the episode, Dorota tucks a very distraught Blair back into bed. “Why does love have to be so hard, Dorota?” Blair whines. “All I ever wanted was a simple fairytale. Kate Middleton has it! And I have much shinier hair than she does! Although, she does have a better assortment of hats . . .”
To this, the wise Dorota replies, “Destiny is full of surprises.”
And then, in a not-so-big-surprise
at least if you read the spoilers, like I do, Prince Louis emerges from his limosine, outside Blair’s home, carrying the shoe she left him in Paris, in true Cinderella fashion . . .
It looks like the race for Blair Waldorf’s heart, just gained another runner! Better lace up those sneakers, Bass and Humphrey, because it looks like this one’s going to be a MARATHON. XOXO!