[Don’t worry, Fangbangers! Your TVD-cap of “Heart of Darkness” is on its way, and will hopefully be posted sometime before midnight, E.S.T. Friday, April 20th. I promise to make it worth the wait. And even if it isn’t, at least all those Delena gifs will be pretty to look at!]
There was plenty to love in this week’s TV lineup: smart one-liners, shocking reveals, grown men engaged in fisti-cuffs, baby scares, illicit affairs, disco-dancing cross dressers, and even some chewing gum that got caught at the VERY WRONG PLACE at the VERY WRONG TIME. So, of course, I wanted to “rub my face” all over all of it . . .
well . . . except for maybe the chewing gum (That’s just gross).
This week on Game of Thrones, Tyrion Lannister once again illustrated his cunning and overall awesomeness, by marrying off his 10-year old niece Myrcella off to two different (both twenty years her senior) at the EXACT SAME TIME . . .
. . . which, in Game of Thrones-land, isn’t nearly as creepy as it sounds. OK . . . scratch that . . it’s absolutely as creepy as it sounds. But you can’t blame Tyrion for living during an effed-up time. Can you?
In other Tyrion news, DUDE, dump that Shae Wench. And dump her fast. Trust me on this one, little guy. I’m only looking out for you . . .
Elsewhere in Westeros, we met Renly Baratheon’s wife, Margaery, who we learned is a real . . . umm . . . how do I put it nicely, “team player,” when it comes to carrying out the Commandment of “Honor thy Husband.”
This week, we were also introduced to Brienne of Tarth, who just so happens to be my favorite character from the George M.M. Martin book series on which this show is based. Brienne kicked her king’s boyfriend’s ass in a jousting match, and earned herself a spot on the Kingsguard, as her chosen reward.
(Personally, I would have asked for money . . . or a Vegas vacation . . . but that’s just me)
Still, I admire the androgenous Brienne’s strength and moxie. She should REALLY do something about that hair though . . . It makes her look like Macauley Culkin . . .
Speaking of poor fashion choices . . .
Mad Men – “Signal 30”
This week on Mad Men, Don Draper joined the ever-growing Ugly Jacket Club . . .
He took it off a few minutes later to “fix a broken sink,” but that damage had already been done. Honestly, if I was a guy who looked like Don Draper, I’d probably never wear a shirt . . . EVER. And a jacket? Well, that’s as superfluous an item of clothing as this clown nose . . .
. . . particularly if it looks like it was made from someone’s picnic blanket . . .
And yet, this episode wasn’t really about Don and his questionable wardrobe choices. It had a lot more to do with good ole Pete Campbell.
Pete had quite the busy week this week. For starters, he went to driving school, and crashed and burned with a perky blonde high school chicky. Dammit! Who’s going to take Pete to the prom now?
Pete also got to wine and dine some British big wig from Jaguar (which Brits apparently pronounce as “Jag-oo-arrrr.”)
“Tastes like my dignity . . . “
Helpful hint, Pete. If you have to wear a big, while you are eating it . . . it’s probably not a classy meal. You know what else isn’t classy? Chewing gum on your dingaling . . .
Confused? See . . . I forgot to mention that, after eating Baby Food with Bibs Pete and Mr. Jag-oo-arr traveled to the Best Little Whore House in Manhattan, where Pete decided to role play a little Game of Thrones. (He was Joffrey.)
This may have seemed like good fun at the time. But, ultimately, it resulted in SCDP losing the Jagooar account . . . thanks to Mr. Jagooar’s decision to get horizontal with one of those girls, who always leaves their chewing gum under chairs in public places (I HATE people like that.), and clearly mistook Mr. Jagooar’s weiner schnitzel for one of those chairs. Oops!
This business loss positively infuriate Lane, who had brought the account to SCDP in the first place. A few harsh words were exchanged on both sides. And, before you know it, this often stuffed shirted Madison Avenue advertising agency, had morphed into it’s very own version of Fight Club . . . with Lane playing the role of Tyler Durden as Brad Pitt, and Pete paying the much less lucky role of Tyler Durden as Ed Norton.
In other words, Pete got his ass handed to him, BIG TIME.
Let that be a lesson to you, folks. Never mess with those Nerdy British types. Not only are they surprisingly scrappy. But most of them have never had chewing gum placed on their hot dog. (They were much too busy beating people up in alleyways to concern themselves with such nonsense.)
While Pete went home early to lick his wounds (or, perhaps, have his wife lick them for him) . . .
“Don’t look at me, Don. I’m HIDEOUS!”
. . . Lane retired to his office, where he was promptly comforted by a newly maternal Joan. “If they tried to make you feel different than them, you are. And that’s a good thing,” she offered supportively. Lane responded by doing this . . .
Well . . . at least it could have been awkward, if Joan idn’t handle the situation like a TOTAL boss.
Her face inscrutably blank, Joan quietly rose to open the door, thereby decidedly closing off the possibility for Kiss: THE SEQUEL. But then she came right back to sit down next to Lane, silently reassuring him that this would not change their business relationship or their friendship, in the slightest. Though I strongly suspect both parties will be looking at one another a bit differently from now on . . .
Joan even offered her “pal” Lane some parting humor. “Plenty of people have wanted to do that to Pete Campbell,” Joan mused.
I could think of a few . . . .
In other news, Ken Cosgrove is my spirit animal, because he’s a writer with a day job. (In fact, he’s a much better writer than I am, if the excerpt from his short story at the end of this week’s episode is any indication. I bet he doesn’t even NEED animated gifs as a substitute for real humor . . .)
Sexy legs too . . .
You keep writing, Ken! Don’t let The Man get you down!
Roger Sterling a.k.a. The Man
Speaking of writers forced to use pen names to maintain their anonymity . . .
Gossip Girl – “Salon of the Dead”
This week on Gossip Girl, Serena was almost expose by Lola as the new titular GG . . . but then he wasn’t. Sorry, Lola! The idea of S as Gossip Girl is apparently a tough sell. After all, up until she graduated high school few people on the Upper East Side even knew she could read and write . . .
Lola’s brief foray into super-sleuthing Veronica Mars territory wasn’t a total wash, however. She did manage to accidentally reveal Diana Mc Slutty Slut as Chuck’s real bio mom . . . a real that seemed to be a “Shocking Suprise” to the good fictional folks of the UES, even though it neither shocked nor surprised anyone who actually watches Gossip Girl.
Poor Chuck! Is there anyone on this show who hasn’t abandoned my Baby Bass?
Well . . . aside from Nate, of course . . .
Ah . . . bromance
Though Chuck’s initial reaction to this reveal was to run like heck, eventually, he did manage to sit down for an adult heart-to-heart, with Whorey van Whoreson. Of course, it wasn’t long before mother and child were forced to grapple with the overwhelmingly ickly realization that Chuck’s mommy had been porking his best friend and roommate just inches away from where Chuck slept. “I was planning on watching you from afar,” Diana said.
“Nate’s bed isn’t that far,” Chuck quipped. (Well, she sure walked right into that one!)
Ahhh . . . good ole Chuck . . . always bringing the funny, even though he just foun out his mom is a slutty child molester from a video uploaded to his cell phone by a Special Guest Star, and the love of his life is dating a donut with Chia Pet hair . . .
In other much less interesting news, Blair and the Donut had the Lamest Coming Out Party ever . . . In fact, it was soooo bad, they both had to leave at the same time “to get ice.” (You know a party is crap, when the hosts can’t even wait to leave it.) To make matters worse, the Happy Couple, couldn’t even be bothered to invite their REAL friends, the Non-Judging Breakfast club to their party. Of course, the crew ended up crashing anyway. But it didn’t save the lameness of the event . . . or this increasingly sour storyline . . .
You know what might have saved this party though . . . some dancing . . .maybe even a little disco dancing.
Glee – “Saturday Night Gleever”
The few of you out there, who used to read my Gleecaps know that the show and I haven’t exactly been speaking terms lately. And yet, each week, I always manage to find some aspect of the episode that I love. This week my heart went out to a sassy cross dresser named Unique, and her Boogie, Boogie Shoes . . .
Also, Lord Tubbington made an appearance . . . the fat cat, who to this day, remains my favorite Glee character of all time. I mean, just look at how talented this cat is! And how many cats do YOU know who can actually say they were in a sex tape . . .
Speaking of sex tapes, Brittany might not always show her love for Santana in the best ways, but you have to know that her and Santana’s road to slutty stardom was paved with excellent intentions. And when you think about it, Brittany’s right. Having a sex tape, and going on weird reality shows is the most surefire way to become famous these days. Just ask the Kardashians . . .
I also love that Brittany came up with the idea to apply Santana for a cheerleading college scholarship, though I suspect it was actually Sue who penned the application, and possibly wrote the essay too. After all, it would take a VERY liberal, liberal arts college to accept a higher education application that was written in crayon, and featured a hand-drawn picture of Lord Tubbington on the bottom . . .
It would be easy to write Brittany off as “just another stereotypical dumb blonde.” And yet, the character can be surprisingly astute sometimes, especially when it comes to Santana. Perhaps, a more accurate way to describe Brittany would be “childlike.” Speaking of children . . .
Ahhh, if it isn’t the “my period is late, and now I have to reevaluate my life priorities” Baby Scare Storyline. We’ve all seen it about a million times before. And yet, there really is no fake baby like a Fake Schmidt Baby, who requires his very own Douche Baby Jar.
But Cece isn’t the only cast member contemplating her ablity to be a mom. Jess too is forced to take on the role of the Dreaded Adult, when she is asked to babysit Russell’s 11-year old Sarah. But Sarah isn’t just your ordinary, garden variety 11-year old. In fact, she just so happens to share the collective brain of every Nick fangirl who watches this show.
Truth be told, she would very much like to “rub [her] face all over his face” (but not all over his eyes . . . you know, because of the whole “poop” thing). Sarah’s episode-long love for Nick is great for the show, for a few reasons. For starters, she gets Jess to admit that Nick is hot, “in a rumpled, small town PI-kind of way.”
Sarah also seems to singlehandedly break Nick of his already three-or-four episode long habit of dating college girls, by inadvertently showing him JUST how much younger than him they actually are. (Hint: His current date used to ride the school bus with Sarah.)
But, best of all, Sarah’s little temper tantrum, get’s Nick and Jess to sit on the floor together, outside their bedroom door, stare dreamily into one another’s eyes, and each confess to Sarah why they are both so terrible for OTHER people to date, while, at the same time, proving just how perfect they are for ONE ANOTHER to date.
Greetings, Upper East Siders! So far, this season of Gossip Girl has been quite the bittersweet one for us Chair fans. On the sweet side, we have Chuck and Blair displaying just as much love, adoration, and passion for one another, as they always have. Each time they were together on screen was more electric than the one before.
Even when Chuck and Blair were apart from one another, it was clear that they were never far from one another’s minds. Donut Dan Humphrey, perhaps, said it best, when he said of the pair, “You two have some strange force field effect on eachother. Physicists should study it.”
All of the amazing things Chuck did this season . . . from adopting Monkey, to becoming active in local charities, to sacrificing his own happiness for Blair’s . . . Donut Dan’s . . . and even that cyborg asshat, Louis-bot’s . . . he did them out of love for, and in honor of, one very special Queen B.
As for Blair, her continued doubts about her relationship with Louis, and whether the so-called fairytale ending she had finally earned was all it was cracked up to be, all seemed to lead her back to Chuck Bass. It was his face, she sought out, at the end of nearly every episode. It was his voice she needed to hear on the phone. It was his hand, she wanted to caress her face, when all hope seemed lost . . .
What’s amazing about seeing Chuck and Blair together in Season 5, is how much they both have grown, both as individuals, and as a couple, since Gossip Girl premiered, back in 2007. Both have had their hearts broken, more times than they can count. Their experiences have made them somewhat less impulsive than they used to be, and less willing to give their hearts to others, out of fear that their love won’t be returned.
But these same experiences have also made them kinder, gentler, more selfless people. Chuck and Blair started the series as headstrong, manipulative, somewhat selfish individuals. Now, they are adults, who are ready to enter into a mature, honest, and intimate relationship with one another, and maybe even start a family together.
It sounds pretty perfect, right? But, alas, all was not well in Chair-land this season. First of all, we were saddled with that marble-mouthed, personality-free cyborg, Louis-bot . . . the only character capable of uniting Chair and Dair fans in mutual hatred.
He ate up precious Chair screen time with his inexplicable verbiage, lame schemes, and ridiculous 8:54 apologies for whatever odious thing he did to Blair that week.
Due to his presence, and the existence of his evil spawn inside Blair’s belly, Chuck and Blair were frustratingly tentative, throughout most of the season, about sharing their true feelings for one another.
And when Chuck and Blair finally did receive their much awaited, and deserved happy reunion, it was ripped away by a nearly fatal car crash. Thus proving that these two long-time lovers are just as starcrossed, as they always have been.
I guess some things never change . . .
But the holidays are not a time for regrets, complaints, or petty accusations. They are time for spreading happiness, limo sex and for giving and receiving love and bar-mitzvah sex.
And in that spirit, I proudly present to you, my dear Chair fans, my picks of the Top Ten Chuck and Blair Moments from Season 5, so far . . .
10. “I wanted to move on, to give you the happy life that you deserve.”
Episode: “Rhodes to Perdition” – 5 x 9
Setting the Scene:
Blair’s realization that Chuck has returned the engagement ring he once bought for her, causes our Queen B to have some shocking and disheartening revelations about herself, and her relationship with Chuck . . .
CHUCK: “Dr. Kirby thought you were upset I returned the ring.”
BLAIR: “He has too many PhD’s. They cancel each other out and make him a moron.”
CHUCK: “I returned it because you asked me to let you go . . . I wanted to move on to give you the happy life you deserve.”
BLAIR: “All this time, I’ve blamed you for pulling me into the dark. But I was wrong. It was me who brought out your dark side. And now that I’m with Louis, I’ve done the same to him. I’m sorry.”
Why it made the list:
It is quite fitting that Blair begins this scene tasting cakes, as pastries have always played a major role in Chuck’s and Blair’s sex life . . .
Blair claims that she can’t enjoy her cakes because Louis-bot has lost his sweetness. How do you lose something you never had? However, I can’t help but wonder whether it is her fear that she has lost Chuck’s love for good that is messing with her appetite. After all, he always did like to eat her pies!
It’s interesting how Blair initially tries to deflect the seriousness of the conversation through casual banter, and witty insults. Conversation avoidance is typically Chuck’s forte. But, in this instance, it is Chuck who demands a serious conversation between Blair and him. He knows that Blair was hurt by his confession that he returned her ring, and feels more than a bit guilty about causing her pain. But I also think a part of him is a teensy bit hopeful. Deep down, Chuck likely recognizes that the reason Blair got so upset over the fact that Chuck returned the ring is that she is not over him.
I’m awed by Chuck’s maturity throughout this scene, and how honest he is with Blair about his feelings. Chuck has no desire to manipulate Blair’s feelings for him, as he has done in the past. He only wants her to be happy, even if that secretly makes him miserable. Chuck knows that no matter how many rings he leaves on the doorstep of Harry Winston to get stolen by homeless people he will always love Blair, more than life itself.
But, at this point, Chuck believes that Blair can only be happy with Louis. And so, he says what he needs to say, to ensure that happiness. It’s the type of blatant self-sacrifice we will see from Chuck, again and again this season . . .
But Blair misconstrues Chuck’s words terribly, interpreting them in a way Chuck never imagined that she would. She begins to blame herself for Chuck’s and Louis-bot’s foibles. And the anguish on her face, is mirrored by Chuck, the moment he realizes he has unwittingly caused her to feel this way. It’s a sad scene . . . one that represents just how star-crossed Chuck and Blair truly are. But it also illustrates their unbreakable bond, and how invested these two individuals are in eachother’s feelings and emotions.
9. Those pesky match-making squirrels . . .
Episode: “Memoirs of an Invisible Dan” – 5 x 4
Setting the Scene:
Reunited for the first time, since Blair announced that she was pregnant with Louis-bot’s spawn, Chuck and Blair undoubtedly worry that things might be awkward between them. So, Chuck’s best friend, Monkey, plots with a few Chair-shipping squirrels to help break the ice . . .
BLAIR: “Isn’t Humphrey becoming quite the drama queen?”
CHUCK: “Isn’t that usually your role?”
BLAIR: “I prefer drama princess now.”
CHUCK: “How are you, by the way?”
BLAIR: “I’m OK. Thanks for asking.”
CHUCK: “I’m sorry . . . squirrels. Should we?”
Why it made the list:
With all the heartache and angsty moments these two have endured over the years, it’s nice, every once in a while, to see a light-hearted, dare I say, cute moment between them. I remember watching the pregnancy reveal in 5 X 3, and wondering how Chuck and Blair would react to one another, when they saw eachother again. Would they be cold? Awkward? Distant?
It was refreshing to see Chuck and Blair be so completely at ease with one another, despite the obvious subtext between them. And I applauded the pair for being able to make, what could have been a terribly uncomfortable moment, oddly normal, filled as it was with easy jokes, friendly familiarity, witty familiarity, and, of course, mild flirting. Already, Blair is starting to notice that Chuck has matured, in his staunch refusal to reveal Dan’s secret. She’s clearly impressed with him . . .
And yet, once again, as in the prior scene, it’s Chuck that brings the conversation to a deeper level. He places an affectionate hand on Blair’s arm, as he asks her how she’s doing, with a look in his eyes that is a mixture of concerned and loving. The pregnant and subconsciously maternal Blair, gently moves her hands toward her stomach, before she replies, a subtle implication that she knows exactly to what he’s referring.
When Blair thanks Chuck for asking, on the surface, it’s a banal response, one that anyone would make, if someone asked them how they were doing. But the look Blair gives Chuck when she says it, shows that she is expressing gratitude, not just for Chuck’s words, but that he has the courage to resume their relationship, and continue to support her, even though she is carrying another man’s child. We’ll see that gratitude expressed again, in a more significant way, later on in the season.
Everyone’s favorite guest star, Monkey, has been a secret Chair fan, ever since he comforted Chuck, after his fateful encounter with Blair at the end of episode 3. So, it is no surprise that the canine Bass is a little schemer, just like his owner. It’s certainly no accident that he went after those squirrels, in such a way that Chuck would have to pull Blair close to him, in order to hold on to the leash, and keep his pregnant lover from falling on the concrete.
Thanks to Monkey, Chuck literally sweeps Blair off her feet, in such a way that the two are both smiling, blushing, and eye-goggling eachother, long after Monkey has been set back on the straight and narrow. Chuck Bass is always so cool, calm, and collected. This is why some of my favorite Chair scenes arise when Chuck seems to lose his composure. The shy, and goofy way a red-faced Chuck mumbled a shy apology over the squirrels, warmed my heart, because it shows just how smitten he still is with Blair, even after all these years.
Blair may have wanted Chuck to murder those butterflies in his stomach, back in Season 1. But here we are, four seasons later. And they are clearly alive and well . . .
8. Blair and Chuck attend couple’s therapy
Episode: “Rhodes to Perdition” – 5 x 9
Setting the Scene:
In complete denial of the obvious-to-everyone-else-but-her fact that the reason her relationship with Louis-bot is failing so miserably, is that she is head-over-heels in love with Chuck, Blair tags along on one of Chuck’s therapy sessions. While there, she hopes to unlock the mystery of why Chuck is so awesome, and Louis-bot is so awful . . .
BLAIR: “I was a teenage bulimic and my father came out when I was fifteen. This isn’t my first analysis.”
SHRINK: “Are you saying that you want your fiancé to be more like Chuck?”
BLAIR: “No! More like the man Chuck’s become. Like Louis used to be when Chuck was like Louis is now.”
SHRINK: “If you don’t mind me saying so, you seem confused.”
And later . . .
CHUCK: “But I did let go of you, Blair . . . if you don’t believe me, call on Harry Winston. The night of The Spectator launch, I left the engagement ring I bought you on the doorstep and walked away.”
Why it made the list:
At first, this scene seems as though it’s going to be played mainly for laughs. Chuck, clearly aware of how patently ridiculous it is that his non-girlfriend has decided to attend therapy with him, teases and taunts Blair, by using most of his therapy time to wax poetic about Monkey’s self-pleasuring tendencies. (Any hope of Monkey getting a love interest, next season, Josh Schwartz?) And yet something tells me Chuck’s real therapy sessions are much more juicy, and decidedly Blair-centric.
From Chuck’s perspective, it’s interesting that he refrains for as long as possible from telling Blair about returning her ring, presumably because he knows it will hurt her feelings. And yet, when he is finally goaded into revealing this pertinent information, he seems both surprised and cowed, by how much his confession affected her. It’s almost as if, a part of Chuck believed that Blair wouldn’t care at all about the ring, because he doesn’t yet consider himself worthy of her love.
As for Blair, she never expected that Chuck’s transformation had anything to do with letting go of her. And the mistaken realization that Chuck might truly be over her, devastates her in a way that she never expected. Leighton Meester is spectacular in this scene. Her body stiffens in shock, as her eyes well up with tears. It’s almost as if she’s experienced the death of a loved one. But what she’s really experiencing is what she believes to be the death of love.
Blair tries to act casual about this discovery, when she excuses herself. But the way her voice cracks, as she escapes the room, says everything about what’s going on in her head and heart. She’s not fooling anybody, least of all, herself . . .
7. “Do you think you could love another man’s child?”
Episode: “Riding in Town Cars with Boys” – 5 x 10
Setting the Scene:
Hiding away in Brooklyn, so that those nosy paparazzi won’t realize that her pregnant fingers are now too fat for her wedding ring, Blair struggles over why she can’t commit to her robot fiance. Seeking closure or perhaps an opportunity to escape this sham of a marriage, Blair calls the one man, who can help her get in touch with her true emotions: Chuck Bass . . .
BLAIR: “I need your advice. It seems as you’ve found your way, I’ve lost mine.”
CHUCK: “I didn’t think Blair Waldorf could get lost.”
BLAIR: “Neither did I, but I’m so lost I wound up in Brooklyn.”
CHUCK: “There are worse places. This isn’t something Humphrey can help you with?”
BLAIR: “No . . . only you . . . Do you think you could love another man’s child?”
CHUCK: “Why are you asking me this?”
BLAIR: “I’m paralyzed. I can’t move. I can’t breathe. You have to help me.”
CHUCK: “I can’t make this decision for you, Blair. You’re the one who has to live with it.”
BLAIR: “But, what’s the right choice, Chuck?”
CHUCK: “I can’t imagine it would be a mistake to marry the father of your child. Right?”
Why it made the list:
What’s interesting about this scene, is that it takes place entirely over the telephone. So much of Chuck’s and Blair’s relationship is conveyed through their body language, and facial expressions. When they are face-to-face with one another, knowing what is truly in eachother’s hearts comes easily to Chuck and Blair. It is second nature to them.
But while on the phone, Chuck and Blair cannot look in eachother’s eyes when they speak. They can’t touch one another. They can’t see how eachother or standing, or read the tears in eachother’s eyes, or the devastation in eachother’s posture. And this causes them to have a miscommunication of tragically epic proportions.
However, as viewers, we get to see Chuck and Blair, as they engage in this conversation. And this gives us the unique opportunity to read the subtext of their words, which they, themselves, cannot see. For example, Blair’s voice, when she asks Chuck for help, and jokes about being in Brooklyn, is deceptively subtle, and lighthearted, though we know, from the way she is seated on the couch, that it is taking all her will, not to break down.
Chuck responds in an equally light-hearted fashion. But the sad look in his eyes, when he speaks shows fans how hard it is for him to carry on a casual conversation with someone he loves more than life itself, and yet knows he cannot have. When Blair asks Chuck if he could love another man’s child, we see how nervous she is . . . and how tentative. This is incredibly hard for her. We know what she wants Chuck’s answer to be, even if she’s not ready to admit that to herself.
As for Chuck, on one hand, his heart swells from hearing this question. It is the one Chuck has secretly wanted Blair to ask him, ever since she told him she was pregnant back in Episode 3. On the other hand, a part of him feels as though fate is playing a trick on him, as though it is too good to be true. “Why are you asking me this?” He asks, with just a hint of nervous accusation in his voice.
This is when Blair breaks, she admits to being paralyzed, and torn up by fear and indecision. She needs Chuck to give her the permission to leave her marriage, and save her from herself. Now, Chuck can clearly hear the anguish in Blair’s voice, and it hurts his heart. It takes all his will not to hang up the phone, rush over to Brooklyn, take her in his arms, and never let go. And, perhaps, if Chuck could look Blair in the eyes, and see his love mirrored back in her, that’s exactly what he would have done.
But he doesn’t see her. And a voice in his head is nagging him to keep his feelings to himself. He doesn’t know yet, how much Blair still loves him. He worries that she will resent him, if he takes her away from the father of her child. So, he says what he thinks is the “right” thing to say . . . He gives her up. Even though he has to bite his quivering lip, when he finishes speaking to keep from breaking down.
Now, Chuck and Blair are both more lost than before. But, fortunately, not for long . . .
6. Blair tells Chuck she’s pregnant / helps him to feel again
After sacrificing his own happiness, so Blair could marry Louis-bot, Chuck escaped to Los Angeles, hoping to lose himself in booze and beautiful women. But the old tricks, don’t seem to work for Chuck now, as he finds himself shockingly devoid of the ability to experience any sort of human emotion. He reacts by throwing himself into increasingly dangerous situations, hoping that the physical pain he suffers will somehow translate into an emotional one. But Chuck isn’t experiencing physical pain, either.
Chuck’s new bestie, Humpty Humphrey, has spent the entire episode, trying to get him to feel something. However, in the end, only Blair Waldorf holds the key that unlocks Chuck’s heart . . .
BLAIR: “I need to talk to you.”
CHUCK: “I thought we said everything we needed to say, last time we saw each other.”
BLAIR: “Chuck . . .”
CHUCK: “Is this another misguided attempt by Dan to get me to feel something?”
BLAIR: “I’m pregnant. It’s Louis’. I didn’t want you to find out from someone else, and wonder if the baby was yours.”
CHUCK: “That’s very considerate.”
BLAIR: “Yes . . . well . . . if I know anything about Chuck Bass, it’s that fatherhood isn’t part of the lifestyle.”
CHUCK: “You must have been very relieved when you realized you weren’t carrying my offspring. It certainly would have derailed your fairytale.”
BLAIR: “This fairytale is complicated.”
CHUCK: “Blair, meet my dog, Monkey.”
BLAIR: “I saw Gossip Girl. I thought you got rid of him.”
CHUCK: “I just sent him to get fixed. I thought it was the responsible thing to do.”
And later . . .
BLAIR: “There is a part of me that really wanted it to be yours.”
Why it made the list:
In the telephone scene, Chuck and Blair spoke volumes to one another. But they could see one another, and, therefore, missed the painful emotions behind the words. Conversely, in this scene, up until the very end, Chuck and Blair actually say very little to one another. The conversation is polite, cordial, and even a bit cold. If a conversation like this was done over the phone, it could have singlehandedly wrecked Chuck’s and Blair’s relationship. But because Chuck and Blair can see one another, and know what eachother are feeling, during the conversation, it actually strengthens the bond between them.
When this scene first aired, it was the first time Leighton Meester and Ed Westwick had shared the screen together, since the season 4 finale. Chair fans waited with baited breath for the couple to reunite, over the long summer hiatus, and through the first two epsiodes of the season. It made their actual reunion that much more epic, emotionally-charged, and meaningful than it perhaps would be, otherwise.
When Chuck first lays eyes on Blair, his eyes widen, as if he doesn’t quite believe she’s really there. Though they’ve spent months apart, it is quite clear, in that first moment that Chuck’s and Blair’s love for one another hasn’t diminished. “I thought we said everything we needed to say the last time we saw eachother,” Chuck says, coldly.
He’s protecting his heart. He doesn’t want Blair to hurt him again. Blair’s utterance of his name in response, is a plea, that he take down his walls, and open his heart, so that he can really hear what she has to say. It melts him a bit. But his guard is still up. He still thinks her presence in his apartment is too good to be true. He thinks it’s a ploy or a trick of some sort.
But that all changes, when Blair admits tearfully that she’s pregnant, and that the baby is not his. He’s clearly heartbroken, as is she. They know how one another are feeling. And yet, they still exchange cold pleasantries, maintaining the falsehood that Blair still wants her fantasy life with Louis-bot, and Chuck still wants to live life as a perpetual bachelor.
Once again, this conversation is in danger of ending very badly for Chair. But in comes Number One Chair fan, Monkey, at just the right moment. His presence makes Blair realize how much Chuck has changed, and it softens both of their hearts. Because, really, who could be angry, in the presence of an adorable dog. I think it’s the presence of Monkey, that enables Blair to make the heartfelt admission that ensures the future of Chair, “There’s a part of me that really wanted it to be yours.”
Clearly, Chuck feels the same way. You can see it in his eyes. But he says nothing. Instead, he bids Blair a polite goodbye, and waits for her to depart, so that he can finally breakdown. Blair’s confession has awakened Chuck’s ability to experience pain and emotion. She’s saved his soul, and broken his heart, in a single moment. Fortunately, Monkey is there to pick up the pieces . . .
5. “You are the lightest thing that ever came into my life.”
Episode: “Rhodes to Perdition” – 5 x 9
Setting the Scene:
Having learned that Chuck’s shocking transformation took place, only after he committed to giving her up for the greater good, Blair has come to the devastating conclusion that she brings out the evil in the men that she dates. Knowing this to be patently false, and unable to allow the woman he loves to be so down on herself, Chuck goes to Blair’s bedroom to comfort her . . . .
CHUCK: “You never pulled me to the dark side, Blair.”
BLAIR: “I appreciate you trying to make me feel better. But I have my answer.”
CHUCK: “You were the lightest thing that ever came into my life.”
BLAIR: “Then, why did it take letting me go to find this whole new side of yourself?”
CHUCK: “I only turned dark and desperate, because I was afraid of losing you. You’re love kept me alive.”
BLAIR: “But you survived without me.”
CHUCK: “The worst thing happened, and I didn’t die. But I had to find a way to move on with my life. I only want you to be happy. I’m just sorry it couldn’t be with me.”
And later . . .
CHUCK: “I’m not the groom.”
Why it made the list:
Many times throughout the series, we’ve seen Blair comfort Chuck, when he needed a hug, a kind word, and a gentle self esteem boost. And though Chuck clearly cares for Blair deeply, and can can be turned into puddy at the sight of her tears, it’s rare that we see him comfort her. It’s not that Chuck isn’t sensitive to Blair needs, or that he doesn’t want to make her feel better, I think he just worries that he doesn’t have the right words to do it. Perhaps, that will change, now that the New and Improved Chuck has come to the Upper East Side . . .
It was heartwarming to see Chuck helping Blair through her devastation, by not letting her go on believing that she was to blame for his darkness or Louis’. In this instance, he knew exactly what to say to cure Blair of her misconception. And the best part about it, was that it was all true. Chuck is a much better person, for having known and loved Blair. She believed in him, supported him, and helped him to become the man he is today. And if Louis-bot wasn’t such an asshat, she’d probably make him a better person too.
It’s not at all surprising that a guest in the home, walking into the situation would assume that Chuck was the groom-to-be. Chuck’s and Blair’s romantic connection to one another is apparent even to strangers. That said, Chuck’s utter dejection when he informed the baker that he wasn’t the groom broke my heart . . .
4. Chuck and Blair play dress-up, and things get RED HOT.
Episode: “The Big Sleep No More” – 5 x 7
Setting the Scene:
Blair just can’t seem to get Chuck’s hot body epic apology out of her mind. Unable to accept the fact that she’s obviously still in love with him, Blair tries to convince herself that Chuck is only pretending to be a better man, so that she will doubt her dull relationship with the Robot Prince. It’s working! Desperate for answers, Blair crashes Chuck’s Sleep No More charity event, and attempts to seduce him. By doing so, she hopes to prove, once and for all, that Chuck Bass is the same sexpot he’s always been. But the problem with seduction is that it is often a two-way street, which begs the question, “Who’s seducing who?”
BLAIR: “Of course, you knew it was me. Was it my perfume?”
And later . . .
BLAIR: “It looks like we’re stuck . . . together . . . alone . . . amongst the masked and anonymous. Do you remember when we used to play dress-up?”
CHUCK: “How could I forget? Though, I didn’t think this was your kind of entertainment anymore.”
BLAIR: “At least I know I’m safe, locked in here with the New Chuck Bass, who has none of his old urges. I have to admit, I had a hard time believing you, at first. But now I see . . . the therapy, the apology . . . you really have changed. As warm as it’s getting in here, I can sweep the hair from the nape of my neck, without setting you off. It’s such a relief to be able to let my guard down. Oh look! They even have Red Hots. You never could resist. Do you want one?
CHUCK: “No . . . thank you.”
BLAIR: “No one is looking. Even the new Chuck Bass must have some of his darkest desires. Just a taste.”
BLAIR: (slaps Chuck) “I knew you were still the same Chuck. You thought by one fake apology, and a few charitable acts, you could get me to question, all the reasons I’m with Louis. But I was right. You are incapable of change.”
CHUCK: “It seems you know me too well.”
BLAIR: “And now, thanks to you, I am more certain than ever, that I chose the right man. Goodbye.”
CHUCK: “Goodbye, Blair.”
Why it made the list:
I suspect some readers might be surprised at how high up on the list this scene appears. After all, one could argue that everything that happens here is an act. Blair is seducing Chuck, because she wants to prove that he is still the Bad Bass she knows and loves. She thinks this will make her feel comfortable entering into her boring relationship with that Gibberish Speaking Cyborg. And, though we don’t know it, at the time the scene first airs, Chuck is playing a part as well. He’s pretending to be seduced by Blair, as a favor to Dorota, who claims it will help Blair find happiness with Louis-bot.
On the other hand, how much of this scene really was acting, and how much was real? It’s fun to try and guess. After all, this certainly isn’t the first time Chuck and Blair have used their sexual powers of manipulation on one another. (Remember the “I love you” wars, of Season 2?)
Sexual chemistry simply can’t be faked. And Chuck and Blair have it in spades, in this scene. Chuck certainly seems hot and bothered by Blair, as she dances around him, rubbing her neck, filling his nose with her scent, and taunting him with red hots. His breathing is labored when he speaks to her, and his voice is decidedly husky. As for Blair, there’s something about the way she stares at Chuck’s mouth that seems to suggest that the seduction act is working it’s magic on her, just as much as it’s working on him.
And the kiss, it seems to take Blair by surprise, even though she’s been working toward it all this time. It’s long. It’s passionate. It’s red hot. And both Chuck and Blair find themselves carried away by it’s intensity, until it becomes all-too-apparent that neither of them are acting, anymore.
Even the slap that follows, and the heated argument that occurs between the pair, seems charged with sexual energy. Watch their body language in the scene . . . the way their faces are flushed, the way their eyes dilate, when they speak to one another. After Blair storms, off, Chuck seems a bit lightheaded, like someone waking up from a trance. He’s not entirely sure what just transpired, but he knows he kind of liked it . . .
Then you remember that Chuck did all this to ensure Blair’s happiness with another man, and it makes you fall in love with him all over again . . .
3. Chuck apologizes to Blair for . . . well . . . EVERYTHING.
Episode: “I am Number Nine” – 5 x 6
Setting the Scene:
While on his Path to Redemption, Chuck decides to apologize to Blair and Chair fans for some of the less-than-loveable things he’s done to her, during the course of their roller coaster relationship . . .
CHUCK: “I’m not here to apologize about what happened tonight.
BLAIR: “What are you here to apologize for?”
CHUCK: “Everything else. I’m sorry for losing my temper the night you told me that Louis proposed to you. I’m sorry for not waiting longer at the Empire State Building. I’m sorry for treating you like property. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I loved you, when I knew I did. Most of all, I’m sorry that I gave up on us, when you never did.”
BLAIR: “Thank you. I hope never giving up on people isn’t going to be my downfall.”
CHUCK: “It’s why you are going to be an amazing mother. You are always there for the people who you love, even when they don’t deserve it.”
BLAIR: “You know, that’s never going to change.”
CHUCK: “It’s OK, if it has to. Starting tonight, I’m going to take care of myself.”
Why it made the list:
This scene was not just a love letter from Chuck to Blair. It was also a love letter from the GG writers to Chair fans. On the surface, this was simply Chuck showing Blair just how much he had changed and grown up, over the years. By admitting, and coming to terms with all the ways in which he has hurt Blair, throughout their relationship, Chuck is saying to the woman he loved, “I am going to change for you. I am willing to accept responsibility for what I have done wrong. And I am ready to become a man, who is worthy of your love, even if you cannot bring yourself to love me in return.”
But peel back the layers, and you can also hear the writers saying to you: “Thank you for sticking by this ship, through thick and thin, even when other fans called you crazy for doing so. We know this couple has accumulated a lot of heavy baggage, over the years. And we aren’t going to insult your intelligence, by sweeping it under the carpet, and pretending that none of it ever happened. Instead, we are going to have Chuck own up to his wrongs, and try to make amends for them, not just by his words, but also through his actions. In short, we are going to reward you, Chair fans. Because, just like Blair, you don’t give up on the things and people you love.”
With the apologies out of the way, Chuck and Blair actually get to share a really sweet moment, where Chuck illustrates his admiration for Blair’s unflinching ability to stick by people she cares deeply about, even when they disappoint her. Like Chuck, we know that this will not be Blair’s downfall, but will ultimately be her salvation. It will keep her strong during the tough road ahead. And the fact that Chuck told Blair that she would be a great mother, at the very moment, when she needed to hear it most . . . well, if that doesn’t warm you’re heart, you’re a soulless vampire . . .
. . . or, possibly an evil cyborg.
2. Chuck’s and Blair’s Tragic Limo Town Car Reunion
Episode: “Riding in Town Cars with Boys” – 5 x 10
Setting the Scene:
In this epic mid-season finale episode, Chuck and Blair have finally come clean to one another about their feelings for eachother. Now, along with Blair’s unborn child, they are finally ready for their much-deserved Happily Ever After. Unfortunately, those pernicious paparazzi have other ideas . . .
BLAIR: “I have to tell Louis, face-to-face that the wedding is off. He deserves at least that.”
CHUCK: “Are you sure you want to do this? I mean . . . a prince . . . a fairytale wedding. This is all you ever wanted.”
BLAIR: “No! You’re all I ever wanted. I love you. I love every part of you. I couldn’t tell Louis that he would never lose me, because it wasn’t true. You’re the one I never want to leave.”
And later . . .
BLAIR: “We can go anywhere. Switzerland has impeccable schools, or maybe Tokyo. They have opening ceremony, and great test scores.”
CHUCK: “Blair, we don’t need to go anywhere. We can raise this baby right here.”
Why it made the list:
I have such mixed emotions about this scene. On one hand, never have I seen such a joyous reunion between two people, as the one between Chuck and Blair. I mean, seriously, Chair fans. When have you ever seen Chuck so adorably giddy?
He’s like a little child, practically bursting out of his seat with happiness. His face is flushed. He’s breathing heavy. He’s babbling. His eyes are wide with excitement. He keeps touching Blair’s face, as if he can’t quite believe she’s real. We’ve waited five seasons to see Chuck like this. And it’s hard not to smile, watching him, even though we all know tragedy is about to strike.
As for Blair, it’s heartening to hear her finally verbalize her feelings for Chuck . . . the one’s we always knew she felt, but could never quite bring herself to say. Up until this point, this season, it’s been Chuck always making the heartfelt speeches, the epic apologies, the eloquent declarations of love. Now it’s Blair telling Chuck she never wants to leave him, planning for their future, talking about starting their family.
In an alternate universe, Chuck and Blair didn’t trade taxi’s with Nate that night. They avoided the paparazzi, arrived back in the Upper East Side, safe and sound, made sweet love in Blair’s bed, and woke up early the next morning to shop for baby furniture. But it our universe, Blair finally noticed the paparazzi stalking her car. And in that moment, the fantasy was shattered.
What’s in store for Chuck and Blair now, remains to be seen . . . But no matter what happens, we can always look back at this moment, and remember them as a young couple, deeply in love, and overjoyed at the prospect of spending the rest of their lives together . . .
And now, for the moment you’ve all been waiting for . . . The Number One Chuck and Blair Moment from Season 5, so far is . . . (drumroll please) . . .
1. “I’m going to love your baby as much as I love you.”
After their devastating telephone conversation, during which Chuck could not bring himself to tell Blair to ditch that bastard, Louis-bot, for his sexy self, Blair is completely inconsolate, fearing that she will never be happy again. But Matchmaker Dan has other plans for his friend and the unrequited object of his affection. And those plans involve the one man with the power to give Blair the happiness she deserves . . .
CHUCK: “Dan arranged it for us.”
BLAIR: “What us?”
CHUCK: “The ‘us’ I should have fought for, when you called. The ‘us’ that is not just you and me, but you, me, and your baby.”
BLAIR: “Then, why did you tell me to choose Louis?”
CHUCK: “I thought it was selfish, if I was the one to tell you to break up your family.”
BLAIR: “That was the moment you chose not to be selfish?”
CHUCK: “Timing has never been our strong suit. I had it all wrong. Just because Louis is the father of your baby does not mean you should be with him. You should be with me.”
CHUCK: “Because I’m going to love your baby as much as I love you.”
And later . . .
BLAIR: “I’ve gotta get out of here.”
CHUCK: “Wait . . . I want to come with you.”
Why it made the list:
This scene truly embodies Chuck’s and Blair’s relationship. It’s as if everything we’ve endured with this couple, over the past five seasons — all the breakups, and makeups, the accusations, and the insinuations, the beautiful speeches, and the smoking hot sexual encounters — has culminated in this single moment. Finally, Chuck is ready to fight for Blair, as he promised he would, during his apology to her in “I Am Number Nine.” Finally, he is saying the things he’s known in his heart, since he fell in love with her, back in high school . . . the things he’s always wanted to say, but never had the courage to do so.
After all his soul searching, Chuck finally feels worthy, not just of Blair, but of Blair’s child, which he will love as if its his own, because it’s part of the woman he loves more than anything in the world. It’s a more honest, mature, and heartfelt, Chuck, then we’ve ever seen before. And it’s this Chuck that takes Blair’s breath away, by saying things to her, that she’s never admitted to herself, that she’s always wanted to hear.
She moves in closer to him, clutching her unborn child, and, in that moment, they cease to be indviduals, and become a unit . . . a family. The fact that Chuck doesn’t want to leave Blair’s side, even though he knows this might make them a more likely target for the paparazzi, is both romantic, and symbolic of this union. Chuck spent so much of these past two seasons apart from Blair. And he doesn’t want to be separated from her, for another minute.
If only the episode ended here, we could sleep better at night, knowing, for certain, that Chuck, Blair, and Blair’s baby lived happily ever after. And though that wasn’t in the cards for our favorite Upper East Side Couple, the fact that a perfect scene like this exists, reminds us Chair fans, that Chuck and Blair are meant to be. They’ve endured hardships, heartbreak, evil cyborgs, bland prostitutes, and so much worse, but it never shook the solid, unbreakable foundation of their love for one another. And that gives us hope for, and certainty in their future . . . together.
SERENA: “Happy Character Assassination Day, Chuck!”
CHUCK: “Oh, wow! Today is Character Assassination Day. I totally forgot. Thanks for reminding me. How are you going to spend it, Serena?”
SERENA: “I’m going to pretend to be Blair’s friend to her face, while TOTALLY humiliating her, and ruining her shot at royalty, behind her back . . . all because she had the audacity to share a fake kiss with this guy I dumped . . . even though her and that guy claim they are only friends, and Blair is dating someone COMPLETELY DIFFERENT now!”
CHUCK: “Wow. That’s good! I hate you already.”
SERENA: “I know, right? How are YOU going to celebrate?”
CHUCK: “I’m considering getting wasted, pushing Blair into a wall, and punching my hand through a glass window, so glass gets in her cheek, thereby, emotionally and physically scarring her for life!”
SERENA: “Dammit Chuck, you are so much better at this than I am!”
*Sigh* Oh, Chuck Bass! I had such high hopes for you, in the beginning of the episode . . . you with your sexy perpetual 5 o’clock shadow, you’re gravelly “I just ate a pack of cigarettes” voice, and your 3-Day Diet of Bourbon, Self-Pity and Tears!
All you had to do was stay in bed a few more days, and WAIT! Wait for Blair to take pity on your self-destructive soul, and come barging into your apartment, with her tough love, and a heavy duty bottle of disinfectant to get rid of the alcoholic stink. All you had to do was shed a few tears, and milk the Vulnerability Card for a few exta moments, and THIS could have been you again . . .
. . . and THAT would have inevitably led to THIS . . .
But NOOOOOO! The writers You had to go and F*&K UP SO ROYALLY that your fandom is now literally in tatters. Emotional and physical abuse is simply not something even the staunchest Chair Fan can condone.
It’s funny, as a The Vampire Diaries fan, in my recap for THAT show last week, I wondered briefly whether a Delena fan (Damon and Elena) had pissed in the writers’ Cheerios, to cause them take a particularly harsh narrative turn with the male character in that prospective couple. Well, I’m now wondering whether a Chair fan BLEW UP THOSE CHEERIOS WITH AN M-80 to deserve THIS turn of events . . .
“Don’t . . . mess . . . with . . . my . . . Cheerios.”
But . . . ummmm . . . other than that it was a great episode! (See? Trying to stay positive here . . .) On to the recap!
“I’ve Got a Royal Boyfriend, and you DON’T. (Nah-nah, nah-nah, nah-nah)”
BLAIR: “Louis, don’t you think we are taking this whole Relationship Thing a bit too fast? I mean, I really hardly know you. And you haven’t even been signed as a series regular yet.”
LOUIS: (in adorable, but almost incomprehensible, French accent) “Of course, not Claire! I love you, more than life itself. And when you know in your heart you love someone that much, why take things slow?”
BLAIR: “Um . . . my name is BLAIR.”
LOUIS: “Really? Oops.”
After a night spent making out under the romantic lights of papparazzi flashbulbs, Blair and Louis continue their public courtship, by spending their afternoons and evenings doing things that make Blair look more “princess-esque” (like hanging out in sports bars, and acting, as Blair says, “pious”) . . .
“Take that, Kate Middleton!”
They then spend their mornings in bed, being nauseatingly sweet to one another. (Seriously, if I have to hear Blair say, “LOUIIIIIIIIIEEEEE” one more time this season, I think I’m going to throw my stilettos at the television screen!)
Good job, Louis! Kiss her and shut her up!
Roommate Serena grins and bears this. But you can tell from the evil glint in her eye, that she wishes to chop Blair up into tiny bite-sized pieces, for having the GALL to steal her precious spotlight away, for even a single episode.
“I’ll get you My Pretty . . . and your little Guest Star Love Interest TOO! Mwah-ha-ha!”
Later we learn just how far Serena is willing to go to get revenge on Blair, when the EEEEEVVVVILLLL Princess Sophie barges in on one of Louis’ and Blair’s tete-a-tetes to announce that Louis is . . . ALREADY ENGAGED!
“LOUIS! You stop having fun, this INSTANT! Don’t you know royal people are genetically predisposed to never have a good time! Look at me! The last time I smiled I was two-months old. And that was only because I had gas.”
After her outburst, Princess Bitchy calls Serena on the phone to thank her for the tip. FOR SHAME, SERENA!
“So . . . now that I’ve helped you out with your son. Do you think you could set me up with Prince Harry? Now THERE’S a royal who LIKES TO PARTY!”
Princess Sophie Reads Gossip Girl?
Later Louis visits Blair’s house to apologize about the whole “Being Engaged” thing. As it turns out, Princess Sophie wasn’t being entirely honest. You see, Louis isn’t engaged YET, but he has to be engaged BY TOMORROW.
OK . . . so remember how, in Cinderella, the Prince threw a Royal Ball, and invited all the “eligible ladies” in the land, so that he could pick which princess to marry?
Well, apparently, wherever Prince Louis is from (I think they said Monaco?) that ritual is actually not Total Bullsh*t. It REALLY HAPPENS! Go figure!
But Louis doesn’t want any of these Ugly Stepsister So-Called Princesses! He wants Blair! Now, all Blair has to do is convince her Evil Stepmother Princess Sophie to let her attend the Royal Ball. Once THAT happens, Blair is as good as engaged, herself!
There’s just one problem . . .
As it turns out the Wicked Witch of the West (Wait . . . wrong story) one Not Particularly Ugly Stepsister has yet ANOTHER trick up her sleeve to sabotage Blair’s Big Day. By the time Blair arrives for her interview with Princess Sophie, the latter already has at her disposal a full printed dossier on Poor Miss Waldorf, care of Gossip Girl and some Biatch Named Serena . . .
“Oh, HELL TO THE NO!”
In a surprisingly amusing scene, Princess Sophie proceeds to detail ALL of Blair Waldorf’s best hits from FOUR Seasons Gossip Girl. Some of the highlights include: dating a Lord who was having an affair with his own STEPMOTHER (Not really Blair’s fault.) . . .
. . . having a pregnancy scare (COME ON! Who hasn’t had one of THOSE?), being traded for a hotel (also not exactly her fault) . . .
But as Eric van der Woodsen says to Serena, “Only Blair Waldorf can do Blair Waldorf.” So, of course, Blair deftly turns the situation on its head, arguing to Princess Sophie that her lifetime of public humiliation is actually a GOOD THING!
After all, with Gossip Girl systematically pulling all the skeletons out of Blair’s closet, since she was fourteen, at least the Royal Family knows the Queen B has nothing else to hide, right? Or DOES SHE?
Nevertheless, Blair’s eloquent argument impresses Princess Sophie enough to earn her an invitation to the Prince’s Ball. As her date to the event, Blair chooses to invite so-called Bestie Serena, even though the latter, as we know, has been pretty much pooping on Blair’s Joy, throughout the entire episode.
On the surface, Blair’s decision to invite Serena to the Ball seems like the Stupidest Idea Ever. On the other hand, you know what they say, “Keep your friends close, and your frenemies closer . . .”
BLAIR: “Is there a knife in my dress?”
SERENA: “Not in the front. Turn around. Let me see the back.”
Speaking of Blonde Sociopaths . . .
Charlie Defeats Vanessa, Fans Cheer (But then become extremely frightened . . )
Did I not call it, about Charlie being a TOTAL WACKADOO? I believe I did! And yet, as much as I don’t like Charlie, I have to give the character at least SOME credit for efficiently disposing of a character I hate EVEN MORE! Of course, I am talking about the sniveling, conniving, yet still surprisingly dull, MANESSA!
Rufus Humphrey, an aging has-been rocker from the early 90’s, knows a thing or two about Creepy Groupies . . . the kind that cut out tufts of your hair, while you are sleeping, and use them to make a DOLL / Sex Toy . . .
“What can I say? Ladies love Rufus H!”
All Rufus has to do is take ONE look at the Overly Eager-to-Please Charlie, and he just knows his son is in for some SERIOUS TROUBLE!
Humpty Humphrey sat on a wall. Humpty Humphrey had a great fall. (Because Charlie pushed him.)
Dan (being Dan) COMPLETELY IGNORES his father’s warnings, and continues dragging Charlie around to all his classes, like his personal pet. But when Charlie, after spending an HOUR gushing over how FASCINATING Dan’s life is (OK, now we KNOW she’s nuts!), plants a big wet kiss on him, it finally occurs to Humphrey that he’s got a potential Fatal Attraction on his hands . . .
Charlie . . . in about 20 years.
But before Dan can have the “We can never be more than friends, because I think you are a psychotic raving lunatic,” talk with Charlie, someone ELSE intercepts her first . . .
Apparently, Manessa is leaving the show NYC to go “study abroad for a semester.” (WAIT . . . does that mean she’s ACTUALLY GONE?)
But before she goes, she wants to “make sure Dan is safe.” (OK . . . seriously, Vanessa? The only person Dan needs protection from is YOU and, maybe, Georgina Sparks . . . and, of course, Charlie.) So, Vanessa finds Charlie at the bookstore, reading what can only be described as a Stalkers’ Handbook . . .
. . . and offers to help her win Dan’s heart, so that Serena and Blair can’t.
When Dan does have “the talk” with Charlie, she plays it cool, claiming that she knows Dan’s still hung up on the other regular cast members of the show, and, therefore, “only likes him as a friend.” (Famous last words, right?)
“Friends can still f*&k, right?”
Dopey Dan is dimwitted enough to buy this, and invites Charlie to some “low-key” dinner party thing, that Rufus is throwing for a band that he hopes to work for as a producer. OH . . . did I mention that Rufus, Perpetual House Boy / Ass Wiper of Lily is actually trying to get a JOB!
Honestly, that is the most shocking thing that happened in this episode.
Charlie offers to bake homemade pizzas for the dinner. But when it comes time for the event, she has decked out the Humphrey’s Brooklyn Apartment like P Diddy’s White Party, and it’s SO NOT ROCKER CHIC APPROPRIATE for Rufus’ early 20-something rockers / potential employers . . .
“I was just going to order in McDonalds.”
Rufus politely excuses himself to take the band elsewhere. Then Charlie starts boo hooing about how Vanessa told her to cater in the event, and was clearly trying to sabotage her, because she knew Charlie not-so secretly had a THANG for Dan. Ever the sucker for a wounded puppy, Dan offers to tote Charlie along on her first Upper East Side Showdown. But “brave” Charlie wants to do this one ALONE.
“I’m going to go eat Vanessa’s insides now, and wear her ribcage as a hat. But I’ll be back later, so we can play Jenga.”
As it turns out, VANESSA actually gave Charlie GOOD ADVICE (Who’d have thought?) as to how to impress Rufus’ prospective clients. But Charlie (who clearly watches Gossip Girl) knew how easy it was to make people DESPISE Vanessa, and decided to use that information to make Dan feel sorry for her. And we ALL KNOW that Dan only screws those people he feels sorry for . . .
Case in point . . .
Well, played Lunatic Charlie! You’ve successfully disposed of Manessa, and are now well on your way to becoming Juliet 2.0 . . . Bravo!
Now, all you need is a Boring Brother in Jail, who has the hots for Serena . . .
Oh, by the way, Rufus got the JOB . . .
. . . (not that anyone really cares).
Speaking of stories nobody really cares about . . .
Raina the Complain-a
“Why aren’t you interested in MY storyline, dammit? BE INTERESTED (or, I assure you, the writers will draw it out for an ENTIRE SEASON, as punishment).”
So, Raina is still searching for intel on her Mama. And Nate, out of loyalty to Chuck, is still subtly trying to convince her to stop her search. Raina reads Nate’s attitude as being “not supportive,” and begins withholding sex from Nate as a result. And we all know how much Nate LOVES sex . . . (Hint: He loves it almost as much as he loves the movie The Sound of Music.)
So, Nate’s been pressuring a perpetually Drunk Chuck to come clean to Raina about what his dad may, or may not, have done. But Chuck doesn’t want to talk to Raina. He’d much prefer to have sex with Blair drown his sorrows in booze, and contemplate giving up showering and shaving for Lent . . .
“If you wrung out my liver, there would probably be enough booze in their to serve an entire Irish Pub on St. Patty’s Day.”
Things go from bad to worse, when the P.I. Chuck hired to look into Raina’s mom’s death “miraculously” discovers a letter in Bart’s papers from the elder Mrs. Thorpe that says, “You know how much you mean to me, but I can’t do this anymore.”
Chuck, and everyone else on the show, immediately assumes that this letter somehow implicates Bart in Avery’s death, since it seems to indicate that they had an affair. But, honestly, that’s just BULLSH*T! That vague letter could have meant about 80 different things. It could mean that Raina’s mom committed suicide. It could mean that RUSSELL THORPE learned of the affair, and arranged to have his wife killed. It could mean that Bart and Avery plotted to burn down the hotel for the insurance money, but Avery was having second thoughts, and was too late in trying to stop the fire.
I mean, COME ON, CHUCK BASS! Of all people, I’d expect YOU to be a bit more creative here . . .
BLAIR would never jump to conclusions like this. . .
Anywhoo . . . Nate has this Big Ole Confrontation with Chuck, about how he has to tell Raina the truth, and blah, blah, blah. Then he proceeds to add insult to injury, by telling Chuck ALL ABOUT Blair’s upcoming attendance at the Prince’s Ball. As if that wasn’t bad enough, when Chuck tells Nate that “no one understands what [he and Blair] have, Nate replies that what they have is “not normal,” and that Blair is “better off with the French GUY!”
“You just bought yourself a one-way ticket to an ass-kicking, BOY!”
Nate then runs and tells Raina everything told Chuck told him, which causes Raina to basically go APESH*T on Nate’s ass . . .
“Is this because you’re on your period?”
Like a petulant four-year old in need of a nap, Raina stamps her foot a few times, and issues Nate an ultimatum: “ME or CHUCK!”
So, Nate leaves . . . (Wouldn’t you?)
Meanwhile, Chuck puts on a new suit, shaves, and hops into a limo, an Engagement Ring in hand. He is headed to the Prince’s Ball, determined to win back his Queen B . . .
Of course, this would be a WHOLE lot more promising and romantic for us Chair fans, if Chuck wasn’t so OBVIOUSLY in Drunk and Destructive Bass Mode . . .
You Peed on My Fairytale!
“Psst . . . Dorota, you don’t have to feed me my lines like this. That’s what the teleprompter is for.”
After running through some Information about Royal People Flashcards with Dorota, and receiving a very expensive (but oddly Tinkerbell-esque) ballgown from Louis . . .
. . . Blair heads to the ball with a Traitorous Serena, by her side . . .
“Try not to trip on the trail of banana peels I keep dropping in front of your feet, M-Kay?”
At least, initially, Blair is the Belle of the Ball, wowing the crowd with her beauty, social graces, and ridiculous amounts of Flashcard-Memorized Royal Knowledge . . .
“How’s your great-great-great-great Grandfather, King Charles III doing . . . Still dead? So, sorry to hear about that.”
Watching Blair happily traverse the crowd, and hearing Louis gush over how wonderful she is, Serena begins to feel a bit guilty about being such a Heinous Poopyhead to her so-called friend the entire episode. And it is for this reason, that when Drunk Chuck crashes the party, Serena tries in vain to stop him. But Chuck will NOT be stopped. He approaches Princess Sophie first, hitting on her, shamelessly, and announcing himself as “Chuck Bass . . . the love of [Blair’s] life.”
Chuck then takes things one step further, noting that Marie Antoinette was always Blair’s favorite role to play, but that HE was always the one eating her cake . . .
Oh, yeah! They went there!
Chuck then drunkenly confronts Blair, and makes a TOTAL scene in front of all the royals, knocking over a tray of food in his wake. Security ends up having to drag him out of the party. A tearful Blair makes a heartfelt apology to the Royals (“I’m so ashamed and sorry, my friends and I caused any trouble”) before dashing out of the party herself.
Princess Sophie is NOT amused, “End it now,” she stage whispers in Louis’ ear . . .
“It’s strange but I suddenly find myself very in the mood for pie.”
A Decent Proposal
“Where’s my glass slipper, dammit? Engagement rings are SO this century!”
Back at the apartment, Blair confides her humiliation over recent events to Serena, who makes the Total Bad Friend move (kind of like she’s been doing all episode), by basically telling Blair that what happened was no big deal, because she’s going to end up with Chuck, anyway.
Well, look who finally decided to become a Chair Fan . . .
Blair then FINALLY confronts Serena about her many attempts to sabotage Blair’s chance at royalty. The Wounded Queen B claims that this is the first time in a long time that she is truly happy with her life. She notes that Louis makes her feel things she had only felt before with Chuck.
Little does Blair know that SOMEONE is listening in on her conversation . . .
Later, Louis confronts Blair and tells her that he wants her to experience joy in her life. He never thought he would be able to marry for love. And now he can marry a total and complete stranger! Louis knows all that Blair gave up to be with him. And he is willing to give up the crown to be with her. (Really? Because I wouldn’t.)
So, he gets on his knee and proposes. But, before Blair can give Louis his answer, she has someone she needs to see . . .
“Sorry, I ruined your shot at being a princess,” slurs Chuck, when Blair comes to visit him at his apartment. “I need you like I’ve never needed you before,” he pleads. “The only thing that’s ever been real is me and you. That’s why you came back to me.”
Blair hugs Chuck affectionately, and uses this moment to tell him about the proposal. It’s as if a part of her wants Chuck to convince her to say no. But Chuck is too drunk, and depressed, to reason properly. And every word he utters to her is strictly possessive in its implications. Nowhere in Chuck’s monologue does he reference BLAIR’S feelings, what SHE wants, or even what he loves about HER. “You’re mine,” he say decisively.
“I wanted to be,” Blair admits sadly.
“You’ll never be with anyone else but me. The only thing that is real to me is you.”
There’s a need and insistence in Chuck’s words that is heart-wrenching in its desperation, moving in its intensity, and yet, somewhat disappointing, in its abject selfishness. Fans of Chuck Bass know that he DOES care about Blair, that he HAS sacrificed for her, that he WOULD do anything for her. But that’s not what’s coming across in this scene. All we see in Chuck is FEAR: the fear of losing the one thing in his life that makes sense, when everything else seems to be falling apart.
And that’s what causes Chuck to lash out, pushing Blair against a wall. And when she struggles out of his grasp, he punches a windowpane, injuring his own hand, and causing glass and debris to fly everywhere. Tragically, Blair does not make it out of this unscathed . . .
As a scarred Blair rushes from the apartment, crying and clutching her face, Nate looks on in disgust, which makes me wonder how long exactly he’s been standing there, like a dope, doing nothing.
(WHYDIDN’T YOU AT LEAST TRY TO STOP THIS FROM HAPPENING, NATE? WHAT’ THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?)
“Hi, is this Losers’ Anonymous? My name is Nate.”
Immediately, after watching Chuck RETROACTIVELY RUIN ONE OF THE BEST ROMANCES ON TELEVISION (Though, it must be said, Ed Westwick’s acting was both HORRIFYING and CAPTIVATING in that scene, as was Leighton Meester’s.), Nate calls Raina to tell her that she is his Consolation Prize. “I choose you,” he tells her answering machine. (How romantic!)
But Raina is already on the phone with someone else . . . JACK BASS.
Here we go again . . .
In the final moments of the episode, we see Blair literally close the door on Serena’s friendship (Serves that b*tch right!). She then calls her mother to give her the good(?) news. Blair has decided to accept Louis’ proposal. She is engaged to be married . . . to a Real Prince . . .
For me, “The Princesses and the Frog” was a True Contradiction. I don’t think I’ve ever been as impressed (by amazing acting, and a gripping storyline), and yet, at the same time, as thoroughly disappointed (by the seemingly deliberate SHIP and character assassination) by an episode, in my entire life. But enough about me. I want to know about YOU!
Is Louis starting to grow on you, like he is on Dorota? How long before Charlie starts burning bunnies, and coming at Dan with a butcher’s knife? Are you as THRILLED to see Vanessa go, as I am? And, perhaps, most importantly, has the CHAIR ship sailed for you? Or do you still believe this fairytale can have a happy ending?
Greetings Upper East Siders! This was quite a big episode for Dan Humphrey. In the course of an hour he: (1) was unknowingly hired by a royal family to stalk a prince; (2) became Blair Waldorf’s faux public boyfriend . . . for about two minutes; (3) lost Serena as a friend (also probably for about two minutes); (4) FINALLY kicked Mannessa to the curb (YIPPEE!); and (5) became the unwitting target for Gossip Girl’s 25th Future Psycho Stalker Guest Star. Hold on to your Hot Dog, Humphrey! Because you’re going to need it . . .
DAN HUMPHREY’S WEINER: “I haven’t gotten this much play, since that “Threesome Episode,” last season!”
And yet, for all the action Dan’s Ding-a-Ling got this week, “Petty in Pink” was actually Blair Waldorf’s episode. After spending three seasons on the Every Loves Serena show, Blair is finally getting a chance to shine. For once, Blair is the one with three boys in love with her at the same time. SHE’S the girl kissing boys, like it’s going out of style. And when the cheap CGI graphics SPARKLE across the screen, making you feel like you are watching your parent’s poorly-made wedding video, it’s Blair’s face that’s getting framed by their tacky light.
But I am getting WAY ahead of myself here! So, let’s get on with the recap . . .
A Secret Rendezvous
“Voulez–vous coucher avec moi (ce soir)?”
Remember Prince Louie, Blair’s plot devicetemporary distraction from Chuck royal boyfriend, with whom she had a tepid, not particularly well fleshed out relationship whirlwind romance, during her exotic summer in Paris, early this season? Well, he’s BAAAACK! As luck would have it, those three scenes few weeks Blair spent with the prince have CHANGED HIS LIFE!
In fact, during all those weeks that Blair was busy doing this . . .
and this . . .
and even some of this . . .
Poor Prince Louie has been doing nothing but eating croissants, and THINKING ABOUT BLAIR!
“Pathetic . . . aren’t I?”
So captivated is this Prince by our Queen B, that he is seemingly willing to drop EVERYTHING, and RISK HIS ROYAL TITLE, to sneak across the country and spend time with his American Fling the True Love of His Life. Blair (who I love to pieces, but, let’s face it, modesty isn’t exactly her strongest quality) sees absolutely nothing at all strange about this. And so she plans her weekend with the Prince, during which she plans to show him the finest things Manhattan has to offer!
“So, I was thinking I would take you to Times Square. They have this little store their that sells nothing but William and Kate Wedding Memorabilia . . . hint, hint.”
But then Louis informs her that his visit to NYC has to be a secret. And so Blair can no longer take Louis to the Best Manhattan has to offer. Instead, she will take him to places where no elite Manhattanite has gone before: a.k.a. Dan Humphrey’s Hipster Hangouts.
“I don’t find Five-Star restaurants to be sufficiently intellectually stimulating. Now, Starbucks, on the other hand, that’s a breeding ground for Genius!”
I had to giggle a bit when Blair’s minions arrived for their daily instructions. Blair informed them that she wouldn’t be attending classes that day. So, they should take notes on her behalf.
“But finals are just days away,” notes the Blonde Minion, who’s name I never bothered to learn.
Yes, because when you are Blair Waldorf, attending a prestigious Ivy League school like Columbia University, is just a footnote to your fabulous life of partying, scheming, and bedding princes. Remember a few seasons back, when Blair was the most conscientious student on a CW show, in that she actually (gasp) went to class, and studied? *Sigh* Those were the days!
Academics are SO last season!
Speaking of so-called “conscientious students” who suddenly never seem to go to class, and spend all their time on the Upper East Side, even though they attend school downtown at NYU, Dan Humphrey has just been called on for a “journalism job,” for which he never actually applied. For those of you keeping track, Dan’s published writing credits thus far include a love story about Serena (snooze) that miraculously appeared in the New Yorker . . .
Dan is just as shocked as you are . . .
. . . and a *stifles a laugh* fashion piece that Dan ghost wrote for the W magazine blog, back when Blair was it’s assistant editor for about 10 minutes. Nevertheless, SOMEONE found out Prince Louis is in town and has hired Dan to stalk him, and write a press piece about the Royal French Fry’s “princely” time in the Empire State.
Speaking of stalking . . .
“Golly gee, Serena! This thing called the ‘Internet’ is really fascinating. Can I really use it to watch people have sex?”
. . . Serena has just got word from the EEEEVVVILL Manessa, that Blair and Dan have recently learned what eachother’s tongues taste like. So, of course, rather than (gasp) ask her friends directly whether they’ve been “eating hot dogs” together, Serena decides to send her “naive and innocent” cousin Charlie out on a little recognizance mission to dig up some dirt . . .
Are you wondering whether ludicrous misunderstandings, ridiculous coincidences, and crazy hijinks are about to ensue? YOU BET THEY ARE!
But before we “go there,” let’s get the two mostly lame and kind of irrelevant secondary storylines out of the way, shall we?
Mother, Where Art Thou?
Poor Raina Thorpe! She never has any remotely interesting storylines on this show has just been massively betrayed by her father, and now feels more lost than ever. Suddenly, because it is convenient to the plot she REALLY wants to find her birth mother. Raina has hired a private investigator to find this woman, who she knows of only as “Avery Thorpe.” Said investigator has been sent off, armed with Raina’s birth certificant and some of that Thorpe Trust Fund Money.
One interesting thing I noticed about Raina’s birth certificate was that it said she was born in 1985, making her either 25 or 26, depending on the month she was born. This also makes her somewhere between 5 and 7 years older than BOTH Chuck and Nate (who are supposed to be either 19 or 20, I gather). Way to rob the cradle, Raina! (Not that we can blame her . . .)
Raina’s sudden curiosity over her mother’s whereabouts certainly do not bode well for Chuck, who is not only coping with the very temporary loss of his true love, Blair, but also with the notion that his DAD MAY HAVE ACTUALLY KILLED RAINA’S MOM (by burning down a hotel, while she was in it)!
Is it any wonder than, that Chuck finds himself drowning his sorrows in a Liquid Breakfast?
In addition to having recently gone through his own rather painful Faux Mama from the Train Fiasco, Chuck, of course, doesn’t want Raina to find out about his father’s possible role in her mother’s demise. And so, he cautions Raina against searching for her birth mother, while, at the same time, hiring his own private investigator to research what happened the night of the hotel fire.
“Yawn. I’d really much rather be in BLAIR’S storyline, than this one.”
When Raina’s private investigator actually finds a waitress in New Jersey named Avery Thorpe, who is about the age Raina’s mother would be right now, both Chuck and Nate offer to accompany her on the trip for support. (After all, the SCARY middle-class world of New Jersey diners is not somewhere an upper class gal, like Raina, should have to go alone. 🙂 )
“I can’t BELIEVE there’s no valet parking here! What kind of effed up place is this, anyway?”
But alas, “Avery Thorpe: Waitress Extraordinaire” claims that she never had children.
Chuck, of course, suggests that Raina stop her Parental Unit Search immediately, so that she can avoid hating his guts in the very near future experiencing any further pain and heartache. But “pain and heartache” is Nate’s Middle Name! After all, his dad is Captain Coke Head, and his Mom is a Major B*tch! He also gets all of the WORST storylines on Gossip Girl, despite being insanely attractive. So, Nate tells Raina to keep on looking. At his wits end, Chuck FINALLY confides in Nate, as to why he has been so adamant that Raina NOT find her birth mom.
CHUCK (to Nate): “I need a hug.”
The episode ends with Chuck’s private investigator informing him that SOMEHOW video footage STILL exists of Raina’s mom fighting with Bart Bass, shortly before she entered into the hotel building that eventually caught fire. Avery Thorpe was never heard from again.
Geez! With all that EXTREMELY DAMNING evidence of the death of a VERY WEALTHY AND POWERFUL PERSON, you would THINK someone would have pieced this information together, 20-or-so years ago, rather than waiting until now to do it? But that would be logical. And logic and Gossip Girl don’t ever always mix . . .
One thing’s for sure though, when Raina finds this out, our Main Man, Chuck Bass, “has some ‘splaining to do!”
Bart Bass: Ruining Chuck’s life since the early 90’s (And, now, he’s doing from it Beyond the Grave. Talk about impressive!)
In other Parental Unit News . . .
This Ankle Monitor Was Made for Walkin’ . . .
These days, EVERYBODY who’s ANYBODY is wearing one!
Poor Lily van der Woodsen! As it turns out, it’s hard out there for an Upper East Side Convict, particularly one who’s still deluded enough to think she’s still part of Manhattan’s Elite. All Lily wanted to do was help make the gift bags for the Episode Party of the Week Pink Party. But, alas, that evil wench, Mama Archibald, who only consorts with convicts in her own bedroom, doesn’t want Lily’s jailhouse cooties all over her spa gift certificates, face creams, and vastly overpriced sunglasses. So, she takes them to the Trump’s house instead. (Gotta love, Gossip Girl’s shameless name dropping!)
*sings* “Nobody likes me. Everybody hates me. I guess I’ll have to go eat worms . . . or caviar.”
Not wanting Mommy to feel too lousy about being a hardened criminal, Serena, Rufus and Eric blackmail some random doorman who made out with Serena once (Seriously, who HASN’T made out with Serena, at least once?) to get the party moved to Lily’s HOUSE, so she can attend. (Riiiight, those Upper East Side snobs didn’t want Lily to TOUCH their gift bags. But surely they won’t mind sitting on her couch and using her toilet!)
“I think you’re scum. But my coke dealing husband and I would very much like to have sex in your bedroom.”
Having FINALLY realized what asshats her Botoxed B*tchy Upper East Side pals have always been, Lily makes me SUPER proud of her, by intentionally setting off her anklet, so the local police can crash her Pink Benefit, and kick everybody out of her house. (I just hope all the money they raised, still went to curing cancer . . . or whatever.) Toward the end of the episode, Lily decides she would much rather spend nine months under House Arrest alone with Rufus Humphrey, than attend swank parties with INTERESTING people . . .
To each his own, I guess . . .
But enough of that. Let’s get back to the MAIN EVENT!
Do you see a Humphrey?
Dan tracks Prince Louie down at an East Village restaurant called Veselka, where the latter is supposed to meet Blair. Little does Dan know, he TOO is being followed . . .
“Wow Dan! This picture of you will look perfect, next to the other 162 I already have hanging over my bed.”
Blair arrives on the scene and exchanges some brief snarkeries with Dan about how he shouldn’t mess up her “date.” Dan generously agrees to not be a Cock Block. But when Dan witnesses Blair exchanging smoochies with the same prince he’s been stalking all morning, Dan reluctantly realizes that his career as a Sleezy Tabloid Journalist is over, before it even began . . .
“Rats! I guess I will have to settle for being a TV Recapper, instead.”
Dan leaves immediately to quit his “job.” But of course, Future Psycho Stalker Charlie conveniently had her back turned when Dan left. All she saw was Blair meeting Dan at a downtown restaurant that she doesn’t typically frequent. Charlie tells Serena as much . . .
“That hussy! I bet she’s eating CARBS there too! You think you know a person!”
Wanting to catch her so-called bestie in an act of betrayal (“We were on a break!” Dan says.), Serena rushes downtown, as fast as her personal chauffeur can carry her. Once she is there, however, she encounters NOT Blair and Dan, but Blair and Louis.
Friend Stalking – FAIL!
Serena tries to play it cool, but ends up making sort of an ass of herself. After all, what the heck would Serena be doing at downtown restaurant alone, aside from spying on her friend . . . She NEVER EATS!
Outside the restaurant, Serena gives her dopey little pet Charlie, a condescending pat on the head, telling her that it was “totally” understandable that she mistook Dan for Louis. After all, with the exception of Chuck Bass and Eric van der Woodsen, every boy on this show looks EXACTLY ALIKE!
But Charlie is not giving up! She knows what she SAW, dammit! And she is determined to catch Dan and Blair in the act, even if she has to hide in Dan’s bed for an entire week to do it!
Crazy, crazy train. CHOO CHOO!
Louis, Louis . . . OH BABY! I SAID, “WE GOTTA GO.”
Dopey Dan! When he quit his “job” stalking Louis, citing a puppydog crush on Blair conflict of interest, he inadvertently told his “boss” (who actually worked for the royal family, and was just using Dan to get information as to Louis’ whereabouts) about Louis dating the, only royal by Upper East Side Standards, Queen B.
As a result of Dan’s screw up, Louis’ advisors are going to pick him up from the states, and force him to return to Paris where he belongs.
“Oops! Did I do that?”
Now, I suspect we are supposed to believe that Louis is terribly upset about this predicament. But something about the monotone manner in which he reads his lines (Perhaps, it’s a language barrier thing?) tells me he can care less. I’m going to say it now, I don’t trust this Louis-Louis. Not one bit!
Anyway, Blair is super pissed at Dan, for what he did. And she isn’t shy about telling him so. “You should have been suspicious the minute someone offered to pay you for your writing!” Blair scolds. (Blair ROCKS!)
But not to worry Louis Fans (all three of you)! Blair has a ridiculously dumb plan to rescue her “French Connection.” Dan and Blair will make out in front of Louis’ handler at (where else?) the Pink Party. This way, the handler will not think that Louis came to the city to (gasp) “date a commoner,” and will, therefore let him stay. I think we all already know how this is going to end . . .
The plot thickens (but not by much), when Future Psycho Stalker Charlie snaps a photo of Blair and Dan pink tie shopping for the party, and forwards it to Serena. Upon seeing the picture, Serena begins to wonder whether Manessa and Charlie were right about Dan and Blair, after all . . .
Kiss and Tell (Gossip Girl)
Blair and Louis both attend the Pink Party together as planned, but enter separately, to keep up the ruse. When Serena sees Blair, she sicks her Mini Me Charlie on Dan, to see if the Queen B reacts negatively to another woman flirting with the Humping Humphrey.
(I think you are going to SERIOUSLY regret that move, Serena! Have you seen the movie The Roommate? Because I’m willing to bet Charlie has!)
Ummm . . . Serena? You are at a formal affair. Why does your hair look like someone erected a bird’s nest in it?
At the same time Charlie begins (very gleefully) flirting with Dan, Louis’ handler arrives. So, Blair, feigning jealousy, forcefully pulls Dan away. (“Let’s not get too handsy!” Dan warns.) This, of course, only serves to confirm Serena’s suspicions that these two are secret lovers. and then THIS happens . . .
And then . . . SURPRISE! Charlie sees these two putting on their Makeout Show, and sends a video of it to Gossip Girl for everyone to see! (Man, this psycho learns fast!)
“Does you think this picture makes my tongue look fat?”
Not wanting to spoil her little Louis Scheme, Blair is forced to “go public” with her “new relationship’ with Dan Humpty Dumpty. Of course, when she does this, her minions look at her, as if she just told them she eats puppies . . .
“I don’t even know who you ARE, anymore!”
Not wanting Serena to get the wrong idea, Blair and Dan rush to tell her the truth. But, of course, Serena, having COMPLETELY forgotten about the 100 plus times she has stolen Nate from Blair over the years, doesn’t want to listen to reason. Instead, S just stamps her foot, and cries wee, wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
“You keep getting all the BOYS this season, and I keep getting stuck with the Psycho Blonde Guest Stars, who want to take over my life and kill me! It’s not FAAAAAAIIIIRRRR, Blair!”
By the way, did no one else find it strange that we didn’t get to see CHUCK’S reaction to the Gossip Girl blast, featuring what he knows was a SECOND Dair kiss? I feel cheated out of my Chair, GG writers!
Confrontations and Coming Out Parties
“Blah, blah, blah, me, me, me, me, me, me, blah.”
Back at the Waldorf Mansion, Blair and Serena have a fight, during which Blair makes a lot of awesome points, and Serena makes a lot of lame ones. Granted, Serena starts off strong, by asking Blair, quite rationally, why she didn’t just come out and tell her right away that her and Dan had become friends. Blair returns a few solid volleys back, by basically telling Serena, that her and Dan do things together that Serena is simply too dumb to enjoy . . . like watching movies that aren’t cartoons or porn . . . and reading.
“Serena is Stupid jokes are AWESOME!”
But when Blair tries to confide in Serena that she has begun to recognize the “Humphrey Appeal” (whatever that is), Serena accuses Blair of only being interested in Dan because he was Serena’s.
“Oh, hell to the NO!”
Blair replies that Serena is just mad that, for a change, the Brunette, not the Blonde, is the one getting all the male attention. And though we’ve definitely seen at least 80 variations of this same argument, since this series began four years ago, this time, I have to concur with Blair. Serena, I’d like to introduce you to Jealousy. Jealousy, meet Serena . . .
Of course, BLAIR isn’t really the one Serena should be worried about. Sure, Dan’s got a THANG for the Queen B, as he openly admits later in the episode. But she’s definitely not pursuing him. You know who IS pursuing Dan Wants-to-Hump-Alot? THIS GIRL . . .
“Your head would look so pretty hanging from my ceiling fan . . .”
It wasn’t enough that Charlie singlehandedly ruined Dan’s, Serena’s, and Blair’s friendship, she then had to GO OVER TO DAN’S HOUSE, late at night to apologize. Then Dan, against his better judgment, invites Cuckoo for Cocoapuffs Charlie into his apartment because . . . well . . . I suspect all that necking with Blair has made him pretty horny? The one GOOD thing Charlie does in this scene is rat out Manessa for sending intel of Dan’s and Blair’s first kiss to Serena.
The absolute BEST moment of the episode for me, was when the SUPER ANNOYING Vanessa arrives on Dan’s doorstep, and Dan TOTALLY SHUTS HER DOWN, telling her, in no uncertain terms, that they are NO LONGER FRIENDS!
Hey Vanessa . . . Sayonara SUCKA!
Don’t let the door hit you where the Good Lord . . . Nevermind, let it hit you in the ass! You deserve it!
The episode ends with Louie inexplicably deciding that he NOW wants to go public with his relationship with Blair. (I’m telling you, I DON’T TRUST THIS GUY . . . AT ALL!)
BLAIR: “You’re not an evil bloodsucking vampire, are you? Because this is usually around the time when you tell me you are an evil bloodsucking vampire, and bite my head off.”
In the final scene, Blair and Louie emerge together in public for the first time, and swap royal spit with one another, as flashbulbs go off, and ridiculous diamond sparkle graphics adorn their so-called Love . . .
Next week’s installment of Gossip Girl promises Chuck’s re-entry into the Battle for Blair’s Heart. “I’m Chuck Bass. And I’m the Love of Her Life,” we hear Chuck tell some Royal Snob.
“Oh yeah, I’m THAT good.”
Let’s just hope that whole “Enraged Window Punching” thing we saw in the promos doesn’t get in the way of a Good Thing. (I’m counting on you GG, writers! PLEASE don’t screw this up again!)
“So, when you get to jail, Lily, definitely tell Bernie Madoff I said ‘Hi.’ He never did pay me back that money I lent him . . .”
Well, this was a rather adult episode of Gossip Girl, right? And no, unfortunately, I don’t mean that in a fun, NC-17 rating, kind of way. Instead, I’m talking about the fact that LITERALLY everybody and their MOTHER got their own storyline tonight. Heck, even BART BASS got thrown a bone from the Plotline Department . . . and he’s been dead for ALMOST TWO SEASONS!
. . . praying that my Estate gets royalties for this . . .
Let’s review, shall we?
Happy Days are Here Again?
After a few pretty dark episodes, things actually seem to get off to a rather pleasant start, in “Empire of the Son.” Chuck Bass, who, as you recall, was, just last week, in danger of losing Bass Industries to the odious Russell Thorpe, is now presumably “back on top.” This, of course, is due to the deal he made with that Random Dude who agreed to buy an interest in his company, last week, so that Thorpe couldn’t destroy it.
Now, Chuck, of all people, is being asked to ring the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange. To me, this is pretty darn impressive, especially considering that, in four seasons, I never knew the character to wake up before Noon . . .
. . . unless, of course, he had “special company” in his bed with him. 😉
Speaking of Blair . . . she’s doing pretty well too! Though our Queen B was seen, just last week, getting FIRED, FAILING exams, eating PIZZA, and drowning her sorrows in old ass movies, screened in a Brookyln apartment, now our girl looks positively radiant. She’s being nice to everybody! She’s giving Serena advice about her Bland Boring Boyfriend Ben.
Blair attributes this new sense of well being to a “Fast and Cleanse,” in which she has recently engaged. On this, I call BS, from personal experience. After all, the last time I, personally, “cleansed and fasted,” I literally almost killed about five people, out of sheer HUNGER . . .
Yeah . . . you should really consider EATING, stat, if you care at all about your family and friends . . .
But, I’m not the only one who is doubtful as to the true source of Blair’s newfound happiness. Blair’s sidekick, Dorota, is suspicious as well . . .
You know who else is doing well? Nate. After lord knows how many weeks just spent staring at the camera, and looking pretty, Boy Toy ACTUALLY has a sort-of storyline . . . plus, he’s getting laid . . .
Yes, boys and girls. Things move fast in the Upper East Side. And Raina, who was formerly Chuck’s flavor of the week, is now being slurped up by Pimp Daddy Archibald, right beneath Chuck’s nose! Unlike Chuck and Raina, these two ACTUALLY share a modicum of chemistry. As a result, watching this new couple interact and swap spit — while not a particularly thrilling sight — doesn’t immediately make me want to vomit. So, that’s a start!
“Thank you, writers, for FINALLY realizing that I am WAY TOO HOT to be perpetually celibate, on this show. Now, if I could just get you to stop dressing me in these ridiculously dorky sweaters . . .”
Now, despite appearances, all is not necessarily rosy in the Upper East Side. Serena is still macking with that Wet Blanket Ben . . .
But, hey! At least this is causing her to ignore the stalkerish repeated phone calls and text messages from one ridiculously annoying, Vanessa Abrams . . .
So, it seems the entire cast of GG (except for Vanessa) is happy, which is exactly how us fans like it. And what’s a “happy” GG episode without a PARTY, right? I mean what would all these disgustingly rich, and apparently alcoholic, Manhattanites, do with their lives, if they weren’t perpetually attending one of Chuck’s nightly “I Never Work, But Inexplicably Have Unlimited Income” Galas?
“And now let us call this meeting of the Upper East Side Chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous to order . . . Cheers!”
But, of course, this is Gossip Girl. And happy days can’t stay happy, for long . . .
You are ALL BUSTED!
“Oh, Russell . . . honey . . . we NEED to do something about your office. Since when did it become OK for a high-powered executive to conduct business at a COFFEE TABLE? I mean, you’re sitting so low to the ground, you might as well be on the floor! And what exactly is that fire place doing behind you, anyway? Is that your idea of a shredder?” – Set Department FAIL!
Things start to take a turn for the worse, when Chuck arrives at Thorpe’s office, to gloatingly invite Russell and Raina to his Pointless Party of the Week. It is then, that Russell accidentally / on purpose lets it slip that his daughter is currently out boning Mini Captain Archibald . . .
“Well, DAMN! Now, I’m glad I gave her an STD! Enjoy those crabs, Natey-poo!”
But Russell’s got even more tricks up his sleeve. He’s recently sent one of his minions off to the dry cleaners, in order to kindly “suggest” an outfit for Lily van der Woodsen to wear to Chuck’s party . . .
“Hey Lily, I hear orange is the new black . . .”
Elsewhere, Wet Blanket Ben has suddenly stopped returning Serena’s Booty Calls . . .
Oh, the humanity!
When Serena confronts Wet Blanket Ben at Dan’s apartment (where he is currently crashing), to find out what the heck is going on, she encounters a very scary sight, indeed . . .
It’s the EVIL WENCH, WHO BROUGHT WET BLANKET BEN AND PSYCHO STALKER JULIET INTO THE WORLD!!!!
Of course, Evil Wench is LESS THAN PLEASED that her son has formed a relationship with the woman whose family pretty much singlehandedly RUINED HIS CAREER, and possibly, his life . . . They also, coincidentally, sent her daughter, Psycho Stalker Juliet off the Deep End. Oops!
Meanwhile Blair, who is clearly ashamed of the fact that she used to spend her nights attending lavish parties and having sex with Chuck in limos, but now spends them watching Netflix films, washing dishes by hand, and eating (gasp) pizza, has been hiding her friendship with Dan from the Upper East Side masses.
But even BLAIR’s deception tactics are no match for The Mighty Dorota . . .
Dorota started to notice things were amiss, when she spied a NOVA DOCUMENTARY in Blair’s netflix queue! (Oh, Blair . . . we REALLY need to talk!) But then, when she found a copy of Dan Humphrey’s New Yorker magazine on Blair’s bed, things suddenly became clear to her . . .
“OH HELLLLLLL NOOOOOO!”
At this point, I should probably mention that Dorota is the BIGGEST CHAIR FAN EVER! (She’s also, I suspect, a Derena fan.) So, of course, the usually Happy Housekeeper is EXTREMELY UNHAPPY about this most recent turn of events. And she vows to put a stop to it ASAP.
“I caught you, Dan Dishpan-Handed!”
“You and Lonely Boy are having an AFFAIR,” shouts Dorota, her face a hilarious mixture of triumph, shock, and horrified disgust . . .
“We have to tell Mr. Chuck and Serena!” Dorota continues, digging the knife a little deeper into Blair’s heart.
To prove to Dorota, once and for all, that there is nothing going on between her and Dan, Blair decides to stand Lonely Boy up. So, she fails to meet him at their appointed destination for the day, and, instead, decides to go shopping with Dorota.
Meanwhile, Dan, who is similarly concerned that his dad, Rufus, will find out that he and Blair have been hanging out (Yeah . . . I don’t really get why the Dad would give two craps, either), ditches Blair too, in order to hang out with his Pops . . .
So, of course the two Date Ditchers have to end up running into one another, at a completely different location than where they originally planned to meet . . .
(Gotta love those Madcap GG Hijinx!) “I knew you would be my SOCIAL DEATH!” Blair exclaims to Dan later.
Deciding it would be best if they came clean to everybody about their new friendship, before ANYBODY ELSE finds out about it, Dan and Blair come up with a plan. They decide to leak a blast to Gossip Girl about an “important announcement.” Then, at Chuck’s party, they will reveal that the “important announcement” was actually a really LAME one, about the two of them sometimes watching movies together.
Talk about a Bait and Switch! I know, if I was Gossip Girl, I’d certainly want MY money back . . .
“Hey, at least the “important news” didn’t have anything to do with VANESSA!”
Baby Did a Bad, Bad Thing . . .
Back in Serena Land, Blondie is trying her hardest to win over Ben’s Evil Wench mom, by treating her to pizza. (Seriously? Since when did so many people eat PIZZA on Gossip Girl?)
Unfortunately, since Evil Wench is lactose intolerant (not to mention, Serena intolerant), the meal doesn’t exactly go well. To make matters worse, Serena conveniently overhears Evil Wench telling Ben that he should sell out the van der Woodsens to save his teaching career. This way, he can fall in love with, and possibly impregnate MORE 16 year olds YAY!
Speaking of the whole Pedo Ben Fiasco, Serena’s mom arranges a meeting with Chuck to tell him about the “Orange Jumpsuit Affair.”
Apparently, Lily (rightly, as it turns out) fears that Russell will try to blackmail her into ceding Bass Industries over to him, by threatening to reveal information regarding Lily’s illegal behavior, with respect to the aforementioned matter. (Geez! Dude just doesn’t give up, does he?) Chuck promises to investigate (1) who leaked that information to Russell *cough Drug Dealing Damien cough;” and (2) whether the Real Estate Mogul has ACTUAL PROOF of Lily’s perjury, or is merely bluffing.
Lily, of course, suspects Wet Blanket Ben of leaking the intel. And when ANNOYING VANESSA . . .
AGAIN . . . I REPEAT . . .
. . . barges into La Casa de van der Woodsen, to inform Lily that Ben had Nate’s dad beat up in jail, her suspicions seem justified. When Lily confronts Serena with this information, Blondie initially refuses to believe its true. The problem, of course, is that the AFFIDAVIT, which is proof of Lily’s guilt in the Pedo Ben Affair, has suddenly gone missing. And, aside from Serena, Wet Blanket Ben is the only one who knew where it was hidden . . .
Serena vows to talk to Ben at Chuck’s party, hoping she can get him to reconsider his decision.
Elsewhere on the Upper East Side, Chuck . . .
. . . pretends to care that Nate and Raina are porking, when we ALL know, he only truly has eyes for one girl . . .
But, aside from this faux- confrontation, Chuck has REAL business to attend to, with Raina. Specifically, he wants to warn her about what an ASSHAT her dad is! When Raina refuses to believe Chuck’s statements, the latter arranges for Raina to learn of her dad’s Asshatedness on her OWN. Chuck figures that Raina’s disapproval of Russell, might influence the Douchebag to drop his whole blackmail scheme, and simply admit defeat, like a Good Little Guest Star . . .
All is Revealed . . .
As is typical of GG episodes, everything comes to head at the Big Party of the Week. There, Serena confronts Wet Blanket Ben . . .
“Sometimes, I even bore MYSELF . . .”
. . . who admits to beating up Nate’s dad (who, let’s face it, no one really likes, anway) . . .
“Hey WTF! EVERYBODY LIKES ME! I’m Captain Hook-ed on Drugs, for crying out loud!”
However, the Wet Blanket SWEARS on his Mama, that he didn’t steal Lily’s forged affidavit. Oh, but he did tell his Evil Wench Mom where it was hidden . . .
“WHAT A MORON! You’re seriously boning THAT GUY, when you could be boning ME, Serena . . .What is WRONG WITH YOU?”
So, here’s how it all went down . . . Apparently, after Drug Dealing Damien approached Thorpe at the end of last week’s episode, about Lily’s criminal acts, Thorpe took it upon himself to contact Wet Blanket Ben’s MOM. She then used Wet Blanket Ben to figure out how to steal the incriminating affidavit, and give it to Thorpe. How unnecessarily convuluted interesting.
Later, as planned by Chuck, Russell blackmails Lily, with Raina listening in the next room. To say she is not pleased with her daddy, is the UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE CENTURY . . .
“This is SO STRESSFUL! I could really use some more weed, now!”
“They were RIGHT ABOUT YOU,” Raina exclaims to Daddy Not-So-Dearest, before storming off, with Nate hot on her heels, hoping to heaven that this won’t interfere with his chances of getting boned tonight . . .
But what Chuck doesn’t count on is Russell being SUCH a big Asshat, that he DOESN’T even go after his own daughter! He STILL wants to blackmail Lily! The problem, however, is that he CAN’T! Lily has already decided to turn herself in to the police, and issue a full confession.
Though this may inevitably land her in jail, this sort-of heroic, if long overdue, act, will, not only singlehandedly save Bass Industries until the next Guest Star comes to f*ck with it, it also will inevitably prevent the company from being blackmailed for the 84,532nd time this season. GOOD RIDDENS TO THAT!
Bart Bass-tard Strikes Again . . . and other Sort-of Cliffhangers
After Lily leaves to go turn herself in, Chuck and Russell decide to have a little heart-to-heart.
In the lamest, most useless and least relevant biggest twist of the evening, Russell reveals that the reason he was dead set on ruining Bass Industries, was not because Bart Bass stole Lily from him, but because Bart basically KILLED RUSSELL’S FIRST WIFE! Remember a few seasons back, how Bart was implicated in setting fire to one of his hotel buildings, for insurance money, and for killing some Security Guard, in the process. (No? That’s OK . . . I barely remember it myself.)
Well, apparently, RUSSELL’S WIFE was also in the building at the time. (Wait . . . nobody finds it weird that the SECURITY GUARD’S death was publicized, but the wife of a famous hotel mogul’s was NOT? Am I missing something here?) Upon hearing that his dad was JUST AS BIG OF AN ASSHOLE AS HE ALWAYS THOUGHT HE WAS . . . just a slightly more murderous one, Chuck goes on an alcoholic bender . . .
This Bender, ironically, wakes Chuck up from the STUPOR he’s been in for at least four episodes now! “I need to find Blair! She’s the only one who understands what I’m going through right now,” a slightly inebriated Chuck tells Serena, before rushing off to find his lady love.
Well, it’s about DAMN TIME!
(Note: The fact that Chuck’s Daddy Issues are what FINALLY prompted him to remember how dear Blair is to him, is a nice bit of continuity on the writers’ part. One can’t deny that, each time, Bart’s misdeeds (or his untimely death), have sent Chuck into a downward spiral, it was BLAIR who nursed him back to himself, with her strength, and unflagging belief in Chuck’s strength and inner goodness.
Speaking of BAD DAD’S and GOOD “SHIPS”, Russell Thorpe FINALLY decides to leave town, and go back to the Windy City from whence he came . . .
But it’s Nate — who is no stranger to the many ways in which BAD DADS can disappoint you, and f*&k you up for life, himself — who ultimately convinces Raina to wish her Papa farewell, and forgive him for being such an Evil Asshat and Annoying Special Guest Star . . .
The Hills are Alive, with the Sound of Natey-pooooooo!
Nate and Raina may still be going strong. But you know who isn’t? Serena and Wet Blanket Ben.
This DOOFUS also FINALLY leaves town (Well, would you look at that? We killed two birds with one stone . . . now if we could only get Manessa to leave, for good).
Wet Blanket’s reasons for departing NYC are as follows: (1) Lily demanded, as a condition of her confession, that all charges against him be expunged; and (2) he’s become a VERY BAD MAN . . . at least as far as he is concerned. Serena is momentarily devastated by the loss of her Flavor of the Week. So, she tells him she truly believes that he is the same pedophile man she fell in love with. She also hopes that Ben will call her again, once he gets some of that nonexistent confidence back.
So, that’s two people who left town. You know who came BACK to the Upper East Side though? THIS GUY . . .
Watch out RUFUS! With Lily awaiting trial for her crimes, her Bad Ass Mo Fo criminal of an ex-husband (He made her believe she had CANCER, just to get into her pants, for crying out loud!) might be JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED!
But the real cliffhanger of the episode comes in the final moments. If you recall, Dan and Blair planned to “come out” as friends at Chuck’s party. But then, all this Lily and Russell and Ben Crap happened. So, they decided it probably wasn’t the right time to reveal this not-all-that-important information to “Manhattan’s Elite” . . .
Ultimately, the pair decide to sacrifice their newfound friendship, and focus, instead, on their friends’ impending crises and emotional needs.
But that night, Dan refuses to return to Brooklyn. Apparently, he is having second thoughts about his and Blair’s mutual decision to “break up their friendship.” And so, he arrives at Blair’s house, with questions looming in his mind, as to why the two have felt the need to hide their movie-going, pizza-eating, and dish-washing “thing,” for so long. He wonders whether something more is there between them. He wants to kiss Blair just once to find out.
Blair tentatively agrees to the kiss. Then, Dan, being the general slow-starter / wishy washy and Charlie Brown-like person he can sometimes be, hesitates, before going in for the Big Slobber. So, Blair, wanting to get this over with, grabs her Brookyln Bud, and pulls him in for a smooch. The screen then freeze frames like THIS . . .
And, before you know it, we have Gossip Girl saying “XOXO” for the last time, before the show goes into a SIX WEEK HIATUS . . .
Man, this sucks! I really thought we’d get to see Chuck make a play for Blair’s heart, before the Final XOXO. Unfortunately, this did not happen . . . yet. The show’s upcoming promos offer some promise, however . . .
See you in April, Upper East Siders! Until then, XOXO!
WARNING: Sleep Deprivation and lots of pot can make you do TERRIBLE things, like wear an unflattering robe on your first date, and dance VERY badly to songs by Ke$ha . . .
Who said Gossip Girl couldn’t make you a better person? I mean, just think about all the life lessons we learned from this week’s episode of Gossip Girl!Here are just some of them:(1) Get a good night sleep . . .
(2) Don’t do drugs (unless, they are provided by Chuck Bass).
(3) In life, sometimes, it is important to stop and smell the roses . . . or . . . the tulips . . . to see if they contain coke.
(4) Other times, it is MORE important to smell YOURSELF. (Personal hygiene is VERY important, PEOPLE!)
(5) Friends are SUPER important. (Even those sort of dorky friends, who you don’t like to admit are your actual friends, but they totally ARE!)
(6) Oh, and above all? Never, EVER, be ANYTHING like . . . HER!
Now, that we’ve gotten all those pesky “morals” out of the way, let’s get on with the recap. Shall we?
Eric’s Turning Legal (and Serena Plays Scrabble?!) – ALERT THE MEDIA!
When the episode opens, Serena an Ben are sharing breakfast in Brooklyn. Currently, they are engaging in a fascinating conversation about whether the toast they are eating is sufficiently “toasty.” (I wish I was making this up. But I’m not.) Enter, a very pissy looking Dan . . .
Apparently, this “toasty” couple kept Dan up all night, with their . . . playing Scrabble. (I wish that was a euphemism for something more exciting. It’s not.)
Dan expresses some surprise that Serena suddenly knows how to read enjoys playing Scrabble. But, really, he should not be so surprised. After all, Serena is one of those girls who pretends to like EVERYTHING her Boyfriend of the Month likes. For example, when Serena dated Dan, she pretended to like flannel shirts, emo music, old movies, and raccoon zombies named Little J . . .
Much like the rest of us, Dan gets tired of watching Serena and Ben pretend to be a Hot Couple, and leaves.
Once Dan is out of the picture, Serena flutters her eyelashes, and begs Boring Boyfriend Ben to attend her brother’s 18th Birthday Party, despite the fact that it’s being thrown by the woman who was solely responsible for him spending two years in the pokey for a pedophillic crime he didn’t commit even though he REALLY, REALLY wanted to.
Ben refuses to go to the party, which makes his new girlfriend “very disappointed in him.” In fact, Serena is more disappointed in Ben now, than she was, back when he hired his sister to try to ruin her life, and ended up almost killing her. It’s always nice to know that people on this show have their priorities straight . . .
Speaking of ruined lives, and messed up priorities, Eric, a.k.a. Mini vDW, has been pretending to be sick with the flu, so that he can skip his own Barely Legal Birthday Bash, and instead, act as Drug Dealing Damien’s Coke Mule. (I think I saw a movie like this once . . .). But, of course, Serena catches Mini vDW in the act, and is, you guessed it, “very disappointed in him.”
Eric explains to Serena how Drug Dealing Damien is blackmailing Eric to deliver kilos of coke, hidden inside pink tulips, or else he will release information, regarding how Lily committed perjury to get Ben thrown in jail all those years ago. In response, Serena tells him that “she will take care of it.” This way, Eric can enjoy his Big Stinkin’ Rich, but Still Incredibly Lame, Birthday Party, without the fear of having to spent his first few “legal” years behind bars. (Golly gee, I wish MY siblings would deal drugs and commit felonies for ME!)
“You know, now that I think about it, this is exactly what I did on MY 18th birthday except I carried all the coke in my ginormous bra! Ahhhh . . . memories!”
Speaking of folks who could use a good snort of coke . . .
Blair Needs Dan’s Help – ALERT THE MEDIA!
Poor Broken-hearted Blair! Like the rest of us, she remembers that fateful (*sniffle, sniffle*) speech she made to Chuck a few episodes back, in which she told him that she needed to be successful in her own right, before she could be “Chuck Bass’ Girlfriend.” So, of course, Blair is trying to become “successful in her own right” as quickly as humanly possible. This way, she can stop going to the damn movies all the time, and START having mindblowing sex in limosines, AGAIN!
The problem, of course, is that there aren’t enough hours in the day for Blair to be a full-time student, RUN W Magazine (HAHA!), annoy all the women on the Forbes list, and help Serena with her Problem of the Week. Oh, did I mention that all her interns QUIT?
So, Blair has been foregoing sleep, and has hired her minions to do her coursework / errands for her . . .
She is also letting Dorota DRESS HER. No wonder Blair ended up wearing a French Maid Halloween Costume to work, yesterday!
When a SUPER SELFISH SERENA comes barging into Blair’s office, demanding that the latter help her come up with a scheme to bring down Drug Dealing Damien (Seriously? Is Serena not the WORST, MOST SELFISH, FRIEND EVER? Did she NOT watch what happened to Blair, during last week’s episode? Has she NO HEART?). Blair is forced to beg for help from the very last person she wanted to ask . . . THIS GUY.
Dan agrees to help relieve Blair of some of the tremendous burden she is under, provided she admit that he is “a friend” of hers, and not a “minion or underling.” Blair’s EXTREMELY reluctant, mumbled admittance of this fact, was probably the funniest part of the episode for me.
(By the way, kudos to the GG makeup department, for successfully making Blair look bleary-eyed, frazzled, and unrested, yet still TOTALLY fabulous, this week.)
Speaking of Dan, has anybody else started to wonder if he EVER attends classes, downtown, at NYU? Because, lately, it seems like the guy spends ALL his time (1) hanging around the W offices, where he is NO LONGER EMPLOYED; and (2) following Blair and/or Serena around the Upper East Side, like a little lost puppy dog. Just sayin’.
Usually a champ at bossing around others, Blair fails to properly direct Dan in how to best serve her. And so, the poor guy ends up taking on the Drug Mule Duties Blair had originally assigned Minion Penelope. Oops! As if that wasn’t bad enough, she told Dan to pick up the WRONG COLOR tulips. As a result, the ones Dan ended up bringing to Eric’s party, though very pretty (Purple is my favorite color!), were disappointingly DRUG FREE . . .
(By the way, I loved how, when the miscolored tulips arrived, the SUPPOSELY non-druggie Eric tested whether they were the right tulips, by SNORTING THEM ALL!)
We are SO on to YOU, Mini vDW! Get thee to rehab! GO!
Other things Blair screwed up this week include:
(1) Dictating the WRONG test information to her minion;
(2) Mixing up Eric’s birthday gift, with a gift she bought for her mother; and WORST OF ALL . . .
(3) wearing two MISMATCHED shoes to Eric’s party (They were both REALLY ugly too) where . . .surprise, surprise . . . she was trying to impress some random Special Guest Star influential business figure . . .
Hey Blair, you know what I hear is a really great substitute for sleep, in terms of invigorating the mind, and preventing mishaps like this? LIMO SEX . . .
Speaking of Chuck Bass 😉 . . .
Please LORD let this Boring Ass Corporate Takedown Story BE OVER!
We open with Chuck “hiring” Nate as his “wingman” to keep Raina occupied / try to win her back for him, while the Big Bass tried to take down his Girlfriend of the Minute’s daddy, once and for all . . .
Now, normally, I’d say that having your INSANELY HOT best friend babysit your ex-girlfriend for you is a TERRIBLE IDEA. However, since I (1) DESPISE Chuck and Raina as a couple; (2) NEED Chuck to be single again for OBVIOUS reasons (*cough Chair cough*); (3) and actually don’t mind Raina and Nate as a prospective couple (more on THEM later), I say BRING IT ON!
“Pretend to be ‘in love’ with Random Guest Stars all you want. But I saw next week’s promos. And by this time next week, you will absolutely be chasing after ME again, Chuck Bass!”
Next up, we follow Chuck to a “Meeting” with Lily. During this “Meeting,” Chuck tries to apologize to Lily for getting her fired from Bass Industries, last week. Lily says she doesn’t forgive him.
Chuck then accuses Lily of wanting to pork Russell Thorpe, despite being married to Rufus (just like she porked Rufus, back when she was married to Chuck’s dad). Upon being more or less called a hobag by her adopted son, Lily bitchslaps Chuck. It’s kind of awesome.
Serves you right for putting me through all this Raina Sh*t, lately!
Then, the camera pans back to THIS image. And I am suddenly starting to wonder whether I am watching a really bad sitcom . . .
OMG! Thorpe heard everything from behind his carefully placed newspaper! – [Insert laughtrack here]
We then, of course, cut to this scene, which illustrates that the scene before it was a TOTAL act by Chuck and Lily, put on entirely for Thorpe’s benefit . . .
Chuck’s ridiculous facial expression here = the REASON screencaps were invented
Apparently, the grand plan is for Lily to go out on a Secret Date with Russell and pretend to want his hot bod . . .
Meanwhile, Chuck will use the key cards he got from Nate’s dad last week, to break into Russell’s office, and find evidence that will ultimately save his company from inevitable destruction.
(How convenient that Mr. Big Real Estate Tycoon’s office is never locked or guarded. I also like how underling employees / Ex-Cons with Known Drug Problems, like Nate’s dad, are, not only given keys to the CEO’s office, but also, apparently, the personal passwords to his laptop computer, and all Secret Files included therein. Donald Trump to Russell Thorpe: “YOU’RE FIRED . . . Moron!”)
“Oh look, there’s a file on here named: The Key to Chuck Bass Saving His Company. I wonder if it’s relevant.”
Earlier, I stated that the part of the episode where Blair asked Dan for help was the funniest moment in the hour. I lied. It was the second funniest. The FUNNIEST moment was when we got a look at Russell Thorpe’s e-mail and saw THIS . . .
COME ON, Gossip Girl! This Russell guy is planning a Super Secret, Possibly Illegal corporate takeover, and his ENTIRE inbox is filled with e-mails that are OBVIOUSLY related to said takeover. That’s just not realistic! I mean, at least throw some PORN in there, or something . . .
This dude is CLEARLY into some kinky sh*t!
In addition to lots of e-mails with his last name conveniently included in the subject line (and no porn), Chuck also finds THIS letter . . .
Apparently, Russell has been bargaining with “Mr. Kidd,” regarding the destruction of Bass Industries. Chuck figures out that Russell is just doing all this to get back at the Dead Bart Bass for boinking Lily, when HE wanted to bone her himself. (Yeah, because THAT’S a solid reason for a business decision! Between this, and his company’s lax security measures, I honestly don’t know how Thorpe makes any money at all!).
Since Bass Industries is worth more “alive” than “dead,” Chuck assumes that “Mr. Kidd” might be interested in this type of information. And, so, Chuck arranges to meet the man, awkwardly enough, at his stepbrother’s 18th Birthday Party. (Can you say CREEPY?) But before this meeting can happen, we have to endure this awkward and, let’s face it, ENTIRELY POINTLESS, scene, in which Rufus pretends to be MAD at Thorpe for stealing his honey bunny, Lily, away from him . . .
“Don’t even THINK about becoming van der Woodsen Husband Number 6, or I will CUT YOU!”
After this uselessness, Chuck finally gets to meet with Kidd, who, realizing Thorpe has been dishonest with him, agrees to hear Chuck out, and possibly cut some sort of a deal with him regarding Bass Industries . . .
“Hey, now that we’ve decided the fate of my company, what do you say we go out to the limo and have a three way slap around some Pinatas? I hear Lily’s so loaded that she put $100 bills inside, instead of candy.”
Meanwhile, over in the “D” storyline of this evening, Nate is keeping Raina busy, by inviting her to do things that she has never done before. Such “new and unusual” things, apparently, include WALKING . . .
“Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot . . . I think I got it! Gosh, when I was with Chuck I spent all my time f*&king LAYING DOWN! This is so EXCITING!”
. . . ice skating, getting cider spilled down her pants, ugly robe wearing, weed smoking . . .
. . . eating (gasp) ICE CREAM that wasn’t even personally prepared by pastry chefs . . .
. . . and, of course, playing Wii . . .
In fact, Raina enjoys all this “Poor Person Stuff” so much, that she decides to kick Chuck to the curb for good, in favor of the Nate-ster!
Raina is TOTALLY done with “Business in Bed!” She’d much prefer Sex on Soiled Couch with Nate to the tune of Ke$ha’s Tik Tok! (Judging by how UNSEXY her and Chuck’s sex scenes actually were, I can’t say I blame her. . . )
Of course, despite his earlier saying their relationship was “sacred,” news of Raina’s breakup via phone barely phases Chuck. In fact, his NON-reaction to this, is the first genuine thing we’ve seen his character do in about three episodes. What can I say? The heart wants what it wants. And, deep down, Chuck Bass’s heart knows that it wants THIS . . .
Oh, did I mention that Vanessa is back? (BOO!) Or that she is trying to return to her so-called rightful place in Dan Humphrey’s boxer shorts, despite almost killing his once-girlfriend / possible soulmate?
Don’t care? Neither does DAN! In fact, he TOTALLY blows Vanessa off, which is SPECTACULAR! Who knew Humpty Dumpty could be so Righteously Bad Ass? It’s about DAMN TIME!
In other news . . .
Mo Money, Mo Problems . . .
Meanwhile, Sad Birthday Boy, Eric has NO COKE TULIPS, and now owes Damien $100 grand! Though I DID feel bad for Eric (I’m not ENTIRELY heartless, after all) I’ll admit, I snorted, when Damien came to the party for the cash, and Eric wrote him a check for the full sum from his “Rhodes Trust Fund,” like it was no big deal . . .
Gotta love the Obnoxiously Rich!
Even better,was when Lily walked in on the exchange, learned that it was being done to save HER ass from incarceration, and wrote the check herself . . . get this . . . from her PERSONAL CHECKING ACCOUNT. Now, that’s just bad money management! Way to earn interest on your “G’s,” Lily!
After Drug Dealing Damien leaves the party, Boring Ben (who, this WHOLE TIME, has been telling Serena that she and Eric shouldn’t stick up for their mother, because she deserves to go to jail for doing what she did to him), surprises everyone by shaking down Damien for Lily’s check . . .
Ben does this, by basically threatening to hire some of his prison buddies to KILL Damien (quite possibly the same guys that he hired to BEAT UP NATE’S DAD, back when he was in the slammer). After peeing and pooping in his pants, Drug Dealing Damien hands a Significantly-Less-Boring-Now-Ben the check, and scampers away.
(Honestly, I can’t decide whether this scene makes Ben even creepier than he was before, or just more awesome).
Of course, as luck would have it,Vanessa is watching this exchange. And, even though (1) it’s a crowded city street; (2) she is standing about a half-a-mile AWAY; and (3) the guys are talking in hushed tones, she conveniently hears THE ENTIRE CONVERSATION . . .
UGHHHHH! WHY CAN’T YOU JUST GO AWAY, AND STAY AWAY FOR ONCE?!
Later, Vanessa tries to call Serena (who, I remind you, she almost got KILLED) to warn her that her boyfriend is quite possibly a Sadistic Psycho Killer. However, Serena is too busy porking the Sadistic Psycho Killer to notice that her phone is ringing . . . Oh well!
Toward the end of the episode, Drug Dealing Damien approaches Russell Thorpe, so that the two could take down the entire rest of the Gossip Girl cast together.
(So, Thorpe conspires with DRUG DEALERS, now? Who does he think he is, Lex Luthor? Apparently, when I said earlier that this Corporate Takeover Storyline was finally over, I spoke too soon . . . Zzzzzzzzzzzz)
HELP! Somebody Freaky Friday-ed Blair Waldorf!
Back in his Brooklyn apartment, Dan Humphrey greets a sleepy, Blair, who has ventured out of the Upper East Side (and WAY out of her comfort zone) to thank “Lonely Boy” for anonymously writing her W magazine blog entry, on her behalf. Of course, she ended up getting fired from the job anyway. But it was still a nice gesture!
“I lost my job. I failed a test. I almost got my best friend’s mother arrested. And I’m in Brooklyn, talking about it with Dan Humphrey. Someone must have Freaky Friday’ed me! This can’t be my life,” gripes Blair.
(Some fans are inclined to agree with her, on that one.)
Dan tries to comfort Blair, who’s had pretty much the WORST LUCK EVER, these past two episodes, with pizza (?) (Does Blair even eat carbs?) and . . . SURPRISE . . . more old movies! Not surprisingly, given the day they both have had, the two are asleep on the couch, within seconds of popping in the first film . . .
(WOW! Someone really likes pizza! Do you think that was a large pie?)
Next week on Gossip Girl, Dan tries to escalate his friendship with Blair to the next level. Meanwhile, Chuck, after having his head stuck up his ass for the past few episodes, FINALLY returns to true form, and works to win back the woman of his dreams. It’s the episode ALL OF US have been waiting for: Chair Fans versus Dair Fans! Let’s GET READY TO RUMBLE!
Ahhh, fairytales. You’ve gotta love them: the gorgeous scenery, the beautiful costumes, the eventual happy endings. But, of course, a fairytale just wouldn’t be a fairytale, without its memorable characters. Every fairytale must have its Princess . . .
. . . her loyal subjects . . .
. . . her Prince Charming . . .
. . . and an Evil Witch . . .
. . . who, unbeknownst to everybody, puts a spell on Prince Charming, which forces him to engage in sexual intercourse with an Evil Raccoon Zombie, who has been programmed to systematically destroy ALL HAPPY COUPLES, EVERYWHERE!
“No man is safe!”
And then, inevitably, there will come a time, when one of our soulmates will find himself (or herself) in Grave Danger . . .
Perhaps, he will suffer “amnesia,” as a result. Or, maybe, he remembers EVERYTHING . . . But he is just so ashamed of his previous dalliances with Evil Raccoons . . . that he simply wishes not to be found — even if not being found means losing his beautiful Princess, FOREVER.
And it is HERE, during this, our Darkest Hour, that we begin OUR story . . .
“I once was lost . . .”
This episode opens just as last week’s did, with Serena and Blair dining in an outdoor cafe in Paris.
Blair has GOOD NEWS to share with Serena! Apparently, Prince Louis Grimaldi wants to get inside the Waldorf pantalones SO MUCH, that he’s willing to completely forget the whole “Blair only wants to go out with him, because he is filthy rich” thing.
“What can I say? I have a soft spot for Upper East Side Pantalones!”
Meanwhile, Serena is trying to work through a MAJOR quandary. In just a few days, she will heading back to New York, where there will be not one, but TWO men vying for her affections. WHO will she choose? The Stud . . .
Clearly, this would be a tough decision for ANYONE (read: absolutely NO ONE) to make. That is why it is a good thing that “The Force” is with Serena . . .
And, HOW do we know that The Force is with Miss van der Woodsen, while she is making this decision? Well, because she’s wearing her Princess Leia’s Prisoner costume, of course!
Unfortunately, for Serena, she has little time to ponder her EPIC decision. Soon after Blair heads off to prepare for her superficial magical date, Serena gets a phone call from her mother.
The conversation goes something like this:
Mama VDW: A body washed up in Paris. The police think it belongs to Chuck Bass. Would you be a dear, and go identify it for me? I’d go myself. But I don’t like to leave Rufus alone in the penthouse. He has a habit of wearing my makeup, and trying on all my dresses in my absence . . .
Serena: That depends. Can I f*ck the body?
Miss VDW: No . . . remember what happened the LAST time?
Serena: Awwww! You never let me have ANY fun! *pouts* FINNNNNE! I’ll go!
So, off Serena gallops to the morgue . . .
There, she meets a guy who looks like Albert Einstein, back from the dead . . .
Reincarnated Einstein shows Serena Chuck’s wallet and passport, which she confirms did, in fact, belong to him. Serena then braces herself, as Reincarnated Einstein lifts the sheet off the deceased’s body. And it is . . .
Of course, considering we ALL saw him end the end of last week’s episode, we already knew that . . .
Wake me when we actually learn something . . .
As luck would have it though, Chuck IS under a sheet at that very moment, just not the one Serena’s peeking under. Instead, he’s cuddling in bed with a blonde!
“AHHHH! Oh no! Not her again! It’s a nightmare!”
Don’t worry, Chuck, it’s NOT Jenny this time!
“Phew! Wait . . . who is it then? Did Blair dye her hair blonde, and not tell me?”
Wrong, again Chuck. It’s THIS chick . . .
Apparently, Chuck . . . I’m sorry . . . “Henry Prince” has been shacking up with Eva in Prague, ever since she nursed him back to health from that fatal gunshot wound. Now, they have relocated to Paris, where Chuck Henry is set to begin work at Eva’s father’s restaurant. As Chuck Henry heads out into the street, his new trusty cane in hand, he is almost HIT BY A TAXI!
And I bet you will NEVER GUESS who’s in the TAXI?
OMG! It’s BLAIR!
Our two star-crossed lovebirds lock eyes for one beautiful moment.
Then, Blair instructs the driver to keep moving, and Chuck Henry limps off dejectedly into the sunset.
” . . . but now I’m found.”
Following her Morgue Trip, Serena returns to the home she is renting for the summer with Blair, to share with her Bestie all she has learned. “I was at the Morgue today,” Serena offers, conversationally.
“Is that like a Sex Club?” Blair inquires, showing us all just how well she knows her blonde friend.
“For me, yes. But my mom said I couldn’t screw Chuck’s corpse. She’s such a wet blanket! It’s a place where they keep dead bodies,” Serena explains.
Serena then explains how Chuck was presumed dead, but is now, apparently, alive and Missing in Action.
“Consider him found,” replies Blair, offering up for discussion her own Bass-sized encounter, from earlier in the day.
Serena is worried about Chuck, and wants Blair to help her locate him. Serena explains that there was blood on Chuck’s wallet, which may explain why he was limping and using a cane. Blair, however (who is clearly in DENIAL of her Luuuuuuve), refuses to help find Chuck. After all, she is about to head off on her boring magical date with Louis the Royal . . .
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ . . ..
. . . and nothing as insignificant as a ONCE IN A LIFETIME ROMANCE is going to stop her.
Serena quickly (and a little too conveniently) locates Chuck’s and Eva’s new digs, after talking to one of Eva’s relatives. (Yes, because that’s what my family members do ALL THE TIME: give my address out to random strangers dressed like Princess Leia. That’s not risky behavior at all.)
Serena knocks on the temporary lovebirds’ door. Chuck answers. He then tells Serena that “The man you are looking for is not here,” before SLAMMING THE DOOR IN HER FACE!
Not one to be deterred by rejection (or venereal diseases, or whether the object of her affection is still alive . . . or human), Serena remains outside Chuck’s apartment, like any good stalker would, and waits for him to re-emerge. Eventually, he does.
“Awww, man! You again? Why do they keep sticking me with the blondes, when all I really want is the BRUNETTE!”
“You, should have thought of THAT before you banged the Evil Zombie Raccoon, Bass-tard!”
Serena tries to convince Chuck to come home, where people care about him. She tells him that he should not hide from who he is. But HIDE is exactly what Chuck Henry Princetends to do. In fact, he is scheduled to pick up a fake passport with his new fake (and lame) name that very day. “There will be NO more Chuck Bass,” He explains matter-of-factly.
“I was blind . . .”
Once again, Blair is busy preparing for a date with her sweet but dull new Rebound Guy beau, Louis the Royal. This time, because it is really 1862, he’s invited her out to a BALL.
Really, Louis? Isn’t this your third date? Don’t most guys your age, take their girlfriends out to Mickey D’s for this one, so that they can get laid before SNL starts? Ummmm . . . Louis, it’s called “trying too hard” . . . and you’re doing it.
Once again, Serena comes by to BEG Blair to convince Chuck to ditch being a “Prince” and return to being his “Bass-tardy” self. But Blair is not about to let some Evil Queen . . .
. . . ruin her fairytale. She has no interest in speaking to Chuck.
Not wanting to be the Evil Queen (AGAIN), Serena decides to let Blair have her boring fun, and tells her not to worry about Chuck.
However, when Serena receives an envelope containing a deed to Chuck’s Empire hotel, she begins to become even more concerned about his welfare and state of mind. Serena leaves a phone message with Blair, again begging her to reconsider.
At Harry Winston, Blair, already clad in her evening gown, is picking out jewelry for the Ball, when she comes across a very special ring.
. . . and wouldn’t you know it, it just so happens to be the ring Chuck bought to propose to Blair — the one that he wouldn’t let go of, even after being held at gunpoint, even after being shot, and nearly bleeding to death!!!!!! It’s ring that, even though the muggers SHOT Chuck specifically to steal it, was miraculously returned to a Harry Winston store in a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT COUNTRY from where it was initially stolen, completely unscathed.
Clearly, this ring has special powers . . .
One ring to rule them all . . .
At the same time, Serena magically appears . . .
. . . along with the inspector, who just so happens to be investigating Chuck’s “disappearance.” As it turns out, the inspector JUST THIS MOMENT discovered that this STOLEN ring, which its thieves apparently tried to exchange for cash, at the SNOOTIEST, MOST EXPENSIVE, OFTEN FREQUENTED BY ROYALTY, jewelry store in Paris, once belonged to Chuck, and, by extension, ALMOST belonged to Blair.
“Chuck was shot?” Blair whispers, her voice breaking as she speaks, not believing the words that are coming out of her mouth.
Not only was Chuck SHOT, he was SHOT clinging tightly to what could have been Blair’s engagement ring. For Chuck, it was a final act of love, for a women he truly believed would never again love him in return.
(Now, even a snarky cynic like me, can’t joke about THAT! That’s the sweetest thing I have EVER heard.)
FINALLY, realizing all that he had sacrificed for her, Blair decides that she HAS to talk to Chuck, and convince him to come back home. If she doesn’t, she will surely spend the rest of her life regretting it.
” . . . but now I see.”
Off Blair rushes to the train station to catch Chuck before he disappears once again . . . this time, quite possibly for good. The two meet on a train platform overlooking the city. She is dressed like a Princess; He, like Pauper. The pair’s eyes meet, and the natural chemistry between them instantly electrifies the whole screen. Yes, Chuck and Blair fans! THIS is the moment we’ve been waiting all summer for!
“Just because you are poorly dressed, doesn’t mean you are not Chuck Bass,” offers Blair. (Leave it to Blair to talk fashion choices at a time like this . . .)
Blair then expresses hurt that Chuck never told her that he had been so badly hurt. Despite their problems, this was something she felt she would want to know. Chuck explains that when he woke up in the hospital, and realized that no one knew where he was, he decided that he no longer had to BE a man he now despised . . . Chuck Bass. Chuck wishes to change, to become a person someone could love.
“Someone did love you,” replies Blair, causing tears to well up in Chuck’s eyes.
“I destroyed the only thing I ever loved,” Chuck says morosely, leaning toward Blair, yet cautiously keeping his distance, fearing that if he gets any closer, he will completely break down.
Blair then calmly explains to Chuck that she doesn’t love him anymore . . .
. . . but that it would take more than him to destroy Blair Waldorf.
(Awww, see! They both like to talk about themselves in the third person! Anyone else would find that REALLY ANNOYING! Clearly, these two are made for one another.)
And, just in case, any of you cynics out there doubted for a SECOND that there was hope for these two crazy kids, yet, Blair confirms it with her final heartfelt statement: “It wouldn’t be My World, without you in it.”
Later, Chuck meets up with Eva, once again.
She is happy to see him. Having seen Blair, who she recognized running to the train station the other day, Eva became convinced that Chuck had left Eva to be with her (which he SHOULD have). Chuck promises Eva that this was not his intention.
As it turns out, Chuck wants to return to New York. Once there, he intends to become a better person than he once was. He would like Eva to come with him. She inquires whether he has already purchased tickets for them. “We don’t need tickets,” Chuck explains. “I’m Chuck Bass.”
LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, THE BASS HAS RE-ENTERED THE BUILDING!
Realizing that, like Chuck, SHE was also running away from her problems, by staying in Paris, Blair promptly dumps Louis the Boring Royal . . . but leaves him a smelly high heel to remember her by . . .
Just like Cinderella . . . only not.
Meanwhile, back in Psycho Stalker Land . . .
Virtual Stranger Juliet offers to be Nate’s “Life Coach,” after learning that Serena sent him a cryptic text message, saying that she, “Needs to talk to [him].”
Nate instantly takes Juliet up on her offer. Real smart, Nate! I know I always make it a habit to take life advice from people I know next to nothing about, who, despite having just met me, already have pictures of me plastered all over their bedroom wall . . .
Ummm, how exactly did Brilliant Nate get into Columbia? And don’t say nepotism, because his Dad just so happens to be a Lowlife Loser White Collar Crook . . .
As Nate’s Life Ruiner Coach, Juliet’s first instruction is that he eliminate all competition for Serena’s heart.
According to Juliet, this can be done by pushing the competition out a 13-story window getting said competition involved with another girl who is NOT Serena. Juliet mentions Dan’s name. However, Nate does not consider Dan competition. (Who would?)
Nevertheless, Juliet is determined to prove to Nate that Dan IS his competition, and therefore, must be DESTROYED! So, Juliet and Nate head to Dan’s place. Once there, Nate casually asks Dan, if he has heard from Serena. Dan says he hasn’t. Yet, when Dan leaves the room. Juliet nabs his cell phone, and, after doing a bit of snooping, promptly shows it to Nate. It says THIS:
“OMG, NATE,” says Juliet. “See what this says. Apparently, Serena sent a message to Dan about wanting to see HIM TOO! And even though it says the message is “NEW,” which usually means the person HASN’T READ IT YET, clearly, Dan has already read it. He just made it LOOK like it was still not read, to psych you out. He KNEW you would be checking his text messages, when he left the room. That sneaky bastard. Dan is TOTALLY out to steal your girl, Nate.”
Not typically one to “think for himself” (It gives him a headache.), the gorgeous, but mentally “special” Nate reluctantly agrees that Dan is, in fact, probably, trying to steal Serena from him.
“Oh, it’s ON . . .”
“Like Donkey Kong . . .”
After a few moments of brain-burning THOUGHT, Nate and Juliet come to realize that the only other person, aside from Serena, that would currently be willing to bang Papa Dan, is Vanessa . . .
So, like any good 13-year old girl, Juliet tells Vanessa that she heard that Nate said . . . that Dan said . . . that Dan . . . REALLY wants to bone Vanessa on a regular basis. Nate, who’s nonexistent short term memory has caused him to forget that HE was once IN LOVE with Vanessa, plays along. He agrees with Juliet that Vanessa should TOTALLY ride that Humping Humphrey Pony.
And so, ride it, Vanessa does . . .
The next day, Vanessa tells Dan how happy she is that Juliet passed her a note in gym class that said “Humping Humphrey has the Hots for Venereal Disease-Free Vanessa.” After all, if not for Juliet and Nate, Dan and Vanessa might not have gotten around to doing the horizontal mambo for a whole TWO MORE EPISODES. When Dan hears about his alleged “crush,” he makes this face . . .
FINALLY, figuring out that his so-called friend has played him like a fiddle, Dan texts Nate the following: “I know what you did last summer told Vanessa.”
Nate rushes over to his boyfriend’s house to explain his bad behavior. But while the two are discussing the REAL reason behind Nate’s underhandedness: Juliet’s Psychosis His and Dan’s mutual feelings for Serena, Vanessa overhears. Realizing that she will ALWAYS be the boys’ second choice, behind Serena (well . . . maybe THIRD CHOICE . . . behind Serena and Blair . . . or is it fourth choice? Behind Serena, Blair AND Evil Jenny . . . and what about Georgina . . .) Vanessa storms out in a huff.
Later, Dan decides that he DOES like Vanessa better than Serena, after all, for now. (Unlike S, who literally screwed everything that moved this summer, V is most likely VD free. So, at least, she has THAT going for her.) So, Dan apologizes to Vanessa, and the two become a couple again for the 865th time since Gossip Girl began.
By the time, Serena finally arrives back in NYC — ready to make her “Big Choice” between Dan and Nate –her two suitors are already otherwise occupied, or so she thinks. At the apartment, Serena finds Dan clutching Boring Vanessa’s hand, and Nate clutching Crazy Juliet’s hand. So, it looks like Serena will have to go back to screwing random men on the streets for a while . . .
It wouldn’t be the first time . . . and it probably won’t be the last.
After Serena goes off with her tail between her legs, looking for her next conquest, Nate asks Juliet out for real. Ummm, Nate, have you ever seen the movie Fatal Attraction? Because you might want to Netflix it before taking this chicky out . . . just saying.
A photograph of Juliet Sharp in about 20 years . . .
At the conclusion of the episode, we see Juliet staring up at her Wall of Weird . . .
From the Wall, she promptly removes all photos of Nate, Dan and Vanessa. In fact, she removes EVERY photo from the wall, except for Serena’s mugshot. On the phone, she tells someone unknown to the viewers: “I had to improvise a bit. But it’s done . . . Hang in there. I miss you.”
Ummmmm . . . OK . . . maybe NATE isn’t the one who has to worry about a Fatal Attraction. Hide your pet bunny, Serena!
Oh, and did I mention that apparent Blood EXPERT (and possible Vampire) Papa Rufus determined, based on the kid’s blood type, that Baby Milo most likely isn’t Dan’s (which 99.9% of us knew already)? No? Well . . . now I have.