This Means WAR!!!! – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “A Touch of Eva”

Although Chuck’s utterance of the above-referenced line saddens me, as it represents yet another setback, in a series of increasingly dark turns that his relationship with Blair, has taken since last season, I am mildly comforted by the image of a very sexy Ed Westwick, decked out in yummy army fatigues . . .

See?  Every Chuck Cloud DOES have a silver lining!

Tonight’s episode of Gossip Girl was a bit of an emotional roller coaster for us Chuck and Blair fans.  On one hand, after WEEKS of minimal contact between the two, the pair finally had an abundance of tension-filled scenes together.

However, most of those scenes featured (1) Blair trying to sabotage Eva, and (2) Chuck vehemently defending his new Angelic Whore to the only woman he ever truly loved.

Then, Eva FINALLY left town . . . FOR GOOD!

But . . . as is usually the case in such situations . . . the GG writers decided to use this episode to make the almost universally despised French woman LESS annoying and MORE sympathetic — thereby, making us all feel just the teensiest bit guilty for having hated her for all these weeks.

And yet, Chuck DID confront Blair, desperate to find out if she still loved him. . .

And she said  . . . NO!

However, perhaps, I’m getting a bit ahead of myself here.  Let’s take  a step back, and see how it all went down, shall we?  But first, let’s get the less interesting simpler storylines out of the way . . .

Rags to B*tches

When the episode begins, we learn that Nate is starting to have some doubts about his new girlfriend, Juliet.  Mind you, these doubts did NOT stem from Juliet’s Hamilton House shenanigans, last week.  After all, aggressively  crapping on the reputations of Nate’s ex-girlfriends, through lies and deceit, is completely normal behavior in GG Land.  In fact, it’s encouraged!

Congratulations, Juliet!  You are officially EXACTLY like every other female on this show . . .

What really raised Nate’s eyebrows was how Juliet kept canceling out on dates with him, because she . . . HAD TO STUDY!

“Studying?  Nobody does that on THIS show!  Your new girlfriend is TOTALLY a serial killer, Nate.”

Fortunately for Nate, hiring a private detective is entirely unnecessary on this show, as each character’s every single solitary move is chronicled on Gossip Girl. 

(Wait, did you say EVERY cast member?  Even Vanessa?  This site must be the most boring read EVER!)

Daily itinerary:

8 a.m. Dress in hideously mismatched thrift store outfit

8:30 a.m – 10 a.m. Frequent artsy fartsy coffee shop

10 a.m. – 4 p.m. Attend fake classes

4 p.m. to 5 p.m. – Frequent ANOTHER artsy fartsy coffee shop, which smells like dirty hippies

5 p.m. to 10 p.m. – Pretend to study, while nagging and fondling, Dan Humphrey

10:15 p.m.  – Bedtime!

So, anyway, Nate cyberstalks Juliet on Gossip Girl, and learns that, during a time that she had SAID she was studying at home, she was actually spotted emerging from a subway station ACROSS TOWN!

Wait . . . someone on this show actually TAKES PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION?  Oh the humanity!

Because stalking his “loving girlfriend” on the internet isn’t enough, Trusting Nate decides to take things one step further, by stealing her cell phone.  Conveniently, Juliet has recently received a text message from the mysterious “Ben,” which states “I need to see you.”

Umm . . . are we supposed to believe that “Ben” is the same guy Juliet was hitting on at the prison last week?  Wow!  Who knew prisons had such great cell phone plans?  Now THAT’S our tax dollars at work!

Rather then stewing in silence for a few episodes, or exacting revenge, as men on this show tend to do, Nate actually does the mature thing, and confronts Juliet about her implied infidelities.

When Juliet fumbles with an explanation for the call, Nate tells Juliet that the reason she hates Serena so much is that she is Bat Sh*t Crazy just like her!

Later, a humbled Juliet, not wanting to get dumped, comes clean to Nate.  She is NOT cheating.  Rather “Ben” is her “troubled brother” who she is currently giving conjugal visits to on a daily basis “not ready to talk about.”  However, she promises, that he will “not come between [her and Nate].” 

Nate, whose own drawers are just FILLED with dirty family laundry . . .

Let’s get DIRRRRRTY!

. . . is thrilled to hear this wonderful news!  (Now, he can finally come clean about all those bastard children he sired during his Spring Break in Nicaragua!)

To reward Nate for not dumping his ass, Juliet offers to FINALLY let Pretty Boy see her apartment!

WALL OF CRAZY, HERE WE COME!

But, alas, Juliet doesn’t bring Nate to her Dumpy Psycho Serial Killer Apartment from Hell.

Instead, Juliet pays off the doorman at some fancy apartment complex, to give Juliet the keys to a temporarily vacant place.  Given all the creepiness that this entails, it seems kind of fitting that the last shot of the “happy couple” is of them making out “behind bars.”

Here We Go Again . . .

Oh for Heaven’s sake, will the boredom EVER end?

Is it just me, or have Dan and Vanessa been having some variation of the same storyline together for FOUR SEASONS!  Here’s how it goes . . . Judgy Vanessa nags Dopey Dan about something he’s doing lately, which doesn’t meet up to her high moral standards (Past Examples:  Hanging out too much with various members of the Upper East Side Crew, acting “too rich,” not telling his parents some lame deep dark secret he has, being a Male ho).  This week, it was Dan’s failure to properly grieve over the loss of Baby Milo.

Then, as a result of all the nagging, Dan will inevitably grow moody . . .

“Hey, you say ‘moody,’ I say ‘brooding and edgy'”

. . . and run straight into the arms of Slutty Serena . . .

. . . who for about two minutes (or until the next commercial break, which ever comes first) will decide she “loves him.”  During that short time span, Serena will string Dan along on a tight leash, like the disobedient dog he is . . .

 . . . or pour ketchup on him and eat him . . . depending on her mood.

Then, Vanessa will take Dan back because she has no other options truly loves him.  After all, her lashing out at Dan was only as a result of that suffocating love she feels for him.  So, yeah, that was basically what happened with Dan and Vanessa AGAIN this week.  Any questions?

Oh, and this should tell you just how much I dislike Dan and Vanessa as a couple . . . This week, I ACTUALLY found myself rooting for the romantic re-pairing of . . . SIBLINGS Serena and Dan!

I KNOW, I KNOW!  Clearly, I need my head examined . . .  Then again, as Blair says, “Anything to head off the nightmare of Humphrey-Abrams Offspring!”

Now THOSE would be some BORING ASS babies!

And now . .  on to the REALLY juicy stuff . . . 😉

Hi Ho!  Hi Ho!  It’s out with “New” Chuck we go!

“Every time I try to get out, they pull me back in!” 

The above words were spoken by the always iconic film character, Michael Corleone, during the much lambasted third installment of the otherwise brillant Godfather film series.  I imagine that our Chuck Bass was feeling much the same way as the aforementioned fictional Mafia Kingpin this week.  After all, ever since his “unforunate accident,” Chuck has been trying desperately hard to “be good” (whatever that means). 

It’s not as though this has all been some ruse on Chuck’s part to get Blair back (although, honestly, we all kind of wish it was).  Nope.  Chuck REALLY seems to want to change.  He wants to be the type of guy who has no secrets, who doesn’t engage in petty gossip or revenge plots, and who genuinely enjoys attending charity functions with his bland girlfriend.

Yet, while he smiles, and plays the part, to the best of his ability, Chuck never really seems to be enjoying himself.  This ideal he’s painted in his head of who he should be, it just isn’t him.  Fortunately (or “unfortunately” depending on how you look at it) Chuck’s “devilish” Upper East Side pals are there to remind him of this, at every turn. 

As the episode opens, we, along with a distraught Blair, watch live streams from Gossip Girl, of Chuck giving his new Gal Pal Eva obscenely an expensive watch from Cartier . . .

 . . . and obscene amounts of money to charity . . .

No one seems to be able to believe that this “Innocent” and Slightly Dull Blondie has single-handedly been able to surgically remove Chuck’s sizeable Mean Streak (not to mention his sense of humor — The guy hasn’t had a single fun one liner, since the season started).  Even Juliet can’t believe it, and she hasn’t been around all that long!  During a double date breakfast, that includes Nate and Juliet, and Chuck and Eva, Juliet asks Eva how she feels about Chuck’s sordid past.

“Well compared to Lord Voldemort, he’s not so bad!”

“Old Chuck, New Chuck, Bad Chuck, Good Chuck . . . How much wood could a woodCHUCK CHUCK if a woodCHUCK could CHUCK wood? .  . it’s all part of the same journey,” offers Eva, who clearly believes she has just walked into an audition for the role of a princess in a Disney cartoon.

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.  Who’s the lamest of them all?”

Determined to bring this seemingly perfect b*tch down, Blair does what any self respecting character on this show would do, she STALKS her!

Of course, it doesn’t take long, before Blair hits, what she believes to be “pay dirt.”  She spies Eva at Cartier exchanging Chuck’s gifted watch for cash.  Immediately, Blair goes running off to the Empire Hotel to rat out the girlfriend of the boy she supposedly “no longer cares about.” 

Chuck confronts Eva about the watch.  However, before she can answer, his maitre d comes to Eva’s rescue.  He admits that Eva gave the cash from the watch to him, so that he could help pay the mortgage for a close relative, who was at risk of losing her home.

  (Color me impressed.  I didn’t know the writers on Gossip Girl were aware there was a recession happening, at all!)

And you all know what this means for our girl Blair, right?

ONE!

Not one to give up so easily, Blair commandeers Serena and Dan to help her dig up some cyber dirt on the elusive Eva.

While Serena and Dan listen in from the comfort of La Casa de Waldorf, a wired-up Blair confronts Eva at a puppy adoption charity event.  Once there, she expertly plies the gal for information . . .

Why does this whole scenario seem so familiar to me?

Oh yeah . . . now, I remember!

The stupid guileless Eva keeps babbling on and on about her life, when finally, she reaches the part about her fateful rescue of Chuck Bass.  Apparently, Eva found Chuck in Prolovka, the Red Light District of Prague.  Searching the term “Prolovka” on the Internet, eventually leads Nate and Serena to find Eva’s HOOKER WEBSITE!

Blair, once again, is thrilled . . .

She can’t wait to go to Chuck’s charity gala, and break the bad news to him.  (What a good “friend!”)

Unfortunately for Blair, the news gets to Chuck, before she has a chance to tell him.  Chuck immediately confronts Eva, who comes clean about the whole thing . . .

So, at the gala, when Blair tries to break the news to Chuck, he totally blows her off!

Then, just to prove how cool he is with the whole “Happy Hooker as Girlfriend” thing . . .

“What’s good enough for Richard Gere, is good enough for Chuck Bass!”

 Chuck announces at the gala that he plans to give Eva FIVE MILLION DOLLARS . . .

 . . . to donate to the charity of her choice. 

TWO, Blair!

Desperate times call for desperate measures.  If Blair can’t find a dark truth about Eva F*cks Alot to make Chuck dump her, well, then, she’s just going to make something up!  Blair gets her shot, when she finds a manilla envelope containing Chuck’s personal effects.  Said effects had conveniently just been recovered from Prague, despite his accident having pccurred months ago. 

 Blair takes the envelope from Chuck’s maitre d, and swipes his passport.  She then tells Chuck that she found his passport in Eva’s bag.  Thus, proving, once and for all, that Eva KNEW who Chuck Bass was when she rescued him.  (And, therefore, was probably using him for money.)

When Chuck hears this, he is outraged.  He lashes out at Eva, who agrees to leave, without explicitly denying Chuck’s allegations.  And yet, when Chuck learns of the existence of the envelope containing the passport, from Lily, he knows he’s been played by Blair, and that Eva had been honest with him all along.  (Well . . . except for the whole “sleeping with guys for money” thing.)

Chuck rushes to stop Eva from leaving, but her decision has already been made.  “Please don’t leave me.  Everybody leaves me,” Chuck whines like the petulant five year old he can sometimes be.

“No, not everyone leave you . . . only your Whore of a Mother, the Girlfriend you cheated on with a Slutty Zombie Raccoon, and the Slutty Disney Princess you accused of being a Golddigger,” replies Eva.  (Well, that’s what she should have said anyway.)

After Eva leaves, Chuck rushes to confront Blair.  “Do you hate me so much, that you can’t stand to see me happy?”  He inquires.  “Is it possible that you still love me?”

(SAY YES, BLAIR!  YES!  YES!  YES!)

There is silence, as Blair and Chuck regard one another, the tension palpable, the love and history between them still a definite presence in the room.  And then, Blair says something, that literally makes me throw my shoe at my television.

You’re going to pay for that, GOSSIP GIRL!

“How could I still love you after what you did?”  Blair inquires.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

THREE!  You are so OUT, Blair!

Chuck blanches at Blair’s hurtful responds.  When he gathers up the courage to speak again, his voice sounds hoarse, as he chokes back his own tears.  “You brought me back to my worst self,” he whispers.  “This means WAR!”

“War, OK .  . . so . . . is Hot Hate Sex is completely out of the question, now?”

[www.juliekushner.com]

The Kids are All Grown Up . . . Sort Of – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Undergraduates”

I’m pretty sure this kind of thing happens at least once every season.  Except, this time, Serena has raised the stakes, by discovering the art of camouflage.  Seriously!  Who else, besides Serena, would dress to match the curtains at a fashion event? 

I never thought it would happen, but after four seasons of scheming, cattiness, and hijinks, our Upper East Side crew is FINALLY showing some signs of maturity . . . well, some of them are, at least.  Others are . . . well . . . not.

So, without further adieu, let’s take a look back at this episode, to find out which characters are still in diapers . . .

 . . . and who got to graduate to Big Boy Pants!

Gossip Girl gets an Upgrade.  Serena gets Downsized.

 

When the episode begins, Serena and Blair are preparing for their first day at Columbia University.

Unfortuntely, their first day of school just so happens to be a very dark day on the Upper West Side.  As it turns out . . . the Gossip Girl website is temporarily DOWN.

Clearly, this is a tragedy of EPIC proportions, especially for Blair, who just so happens to be one of those people . . .

 . . . who is simply not happy, unless some low rent media entity is documenting her every move.  As their first official order of business as new Columbia students, Blair and Serena .  . . go to class.  HAHA!  JUST KIDDING!  We don’t do actually that on this show . . .

Instead, Blair and Serena head off to the “Hamilton House” (i.e. this season’s version of the “secret society” Blair tries to join every year, whose members’ innate snobbery and elite status cause our Queen Bee to temporarily forget who her REAL friends are)  . . .

It’s not just for cans and bottles any more.  We do it for PLOTLINES too!

As Blair and Serena enter the insanely stuck up Hamilton House, Serena notes her very familiar surroundings, and gripes, “I thought college would be different from high school.”

“Who would want that?”  Blair inquires, without an ounce of humor or irony in her voice.  (You gotta love Blair!)

Speaking of high school, just moments after arriving, the girls encounter a “old friend” from “back in the day” (i.e. two years ago).

It’s Perpetual Queen Bee Runner Up, PENELOPE!

And, I am happy to report, that she is just as much of a saucy biatch, as she was in high school!  After Penelope and Blair exchange a few bitter barbs for old time’s sake, the diva reveals that one of her ancestors was a founding member of the Hamilton House.  This accident of birth makes Penelope a legacy at Hamilton House, and and automatic club member.  Fortunately for Blair, Penelope is NOT, however, the Key Master, i.e. the person responsible for personally inviting new members to join the club.

Poor Penelope!  Always a minion, never a royal!

But, you know who IS Key Master at Hamilton House? THIS GIRL . . .

It’s Crazy Potential Psycho Stalker, Juliet Sharp, of course!  (Clearly, Hamilton House is a VERY classy establishment, if they are letting homicidal maniacs join.)  When Blair and Serena approach Juliet for their keys to the club, Looney Tunes herself surprises EVERYBODY (well, at least everybody who didn’t see the trailer for the episode, before it aired), by offering a club key to Blair  . . . and NOT SERENA!

At that very moment, Gossip Girl comes back online with a BRAND NEW FEATURE.  It’s called Live Video Streaming, and it’s like Botox for websites.

The Video Stream shows Serena getting rejected by Hamilton House, as a politely reserved, but secretly smug, Blair fondles her new key to the kingdom elite Columbia society.  Of course, this poses the very important question of WHO is Gossip Girl, that she was able to get such close-up footage of the girls at this elite event?  You see, in the past, any onlooker could have sent Gossip Girl the pictures and intel that the site happened to be seeking at the time. 

However, seeing as the GG site had been down for a period of time; and, presumably no one, except Gossip Girl herself (or himself), knew at the time that the site had video capabilities, that pretty much narrows the suspects down to someone in that room.  Could it be Juliet?  Penelope? 

 Only time will tell . . .

Outside of Hamilton House, Blair half-heartedly offers to decline membership in the club for Serena’s sake.  However, Serena, who knows a fake gesture of kindness when she sees one, replies that this will not be necessary.  “S” would never stand in the way of her Best-ie’s social progress.  Besides, Hamilton House may just be a bit too “right wing” for a bohemian gal, like Serena.

Famous Hamilton House Alumnis

Upon receiving Serena’s “blessing” to stay in Hamilton House, Blair responds like THIS . . .

 . . . and bounces off excitedly, but not before making plans to meet Serena later for dinner and drinks.

Feeling a bit like the Stinky Kid in Elementary School, who nobody wanted to play with,  Serena calls Dorky Dan, in hopes of bolstering her recently diminished self esteem . . .

. . . and he BLOWS HER OFF . . .

 . . . to hang out with a guy who still POOPS IN HIS PANTS!

Then she calls Hot Pants Nate . . .

. . . and HE BLOWS HER OFF TOO!

(Apparently, Hamilton House is coed, and Nate’s a member as well.  How CONVENIENT!)

Yes, Serena.  Apparently, college IS just like High School.  Except, now, you are the NEW Jenny Humphrey . . .

It’s not easy . . . being sleazy.

Lifestyles of the Rich and the Rapist

While the rest of his friends are stories below, pretending to matriculate at Columbia, Chuck Bass is sleeping on million-thread count sheets, in the Penthouse Suite at the Empire Hotel.  He wakes up to find his new Gal Pal Eva missing.  When he sees the sliding glass door to the balcony open, Chuck worries for a moment that the idea of being the most HATED new cast member of Gossip Girl got to be too much for Eva, and she threw herself out the window.

Goodbye, Cruel Fangirls!

(At the same time, Chair fans across the nation are keeping their fingers crossed for the same result.  It’s nothing personal, Eva.  You’re just NO Blair Waldorf!)

But, alas when Chuck arrives outside, he finds Eva simply looking out at the city skyline, with her feet planted firmly on the ground.  “Your world . . . it’s magnificent,” says Eva, with all the emotion and excitement of a person saying, “I have a dentist appointment today.”

Chuck is so enamored by Eva’s innocence, that he can’t help but set out to destroy it.  Immediately, he offers Eva room service, a spa day, and unlimited access to his credit card.  You know, Eva, I recently saw a movie just like this.  Wanna know which one?

Yes, Eva.  I AM calling you a whore (but a VERY nice and well-mannered one, just like in the movie)!

“Your life is perfect,” Eva says in a dull monotone that would make Ben Stein proud.

“Bueller . . . Bueller . .  . Bueller.”

“Now, so is yours,” lies Chuck through his teeth.

Meanwhile, Nate stops by Chuck’s hotel suite to return the Bass-tard’s Black Book, and lecture the hotel scion about being honest with his girlfriend about his shady past.

Riiiiight.  Just like I’m sure Nate is going to be honest with HIS new girlfriend about all the STD’s he undoubtedly contracted this summer, as a result of using said “Black Book.”

Leaving Eva to her own devices, Chuck goes to visit Lily . . .

 . . . the one person member of his Post-Sex with She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named Fan Club.  Chuck tells Lily that he is a changed man, who has stopped screwing raccoons . . .

. . . and has, instead, fallen in love with a character from the Harry Potter series.

Eager to make things right with her extended family, Lily invites Chuck and Eva to attend Fashion’s Night Out.  There, she supposes, the van der Woodsens, Basses and Humphreys can mingle without the added pressure of a formalized dinner.  Chuck agrees.

Later, Lily convinces Rufus to give the New and Improved Bass . . .

“I’m singing a Redemption Song!”

 . . . a second chance at the fashion event.  Rufus initially agrees to have an open mind.  However, when Eric . . .

Welcome back, Buddy!  We missed you!  You’re the least screwed up character on THIS SHOW!  (Well . . . aside from the whole “tried to commit suicide” thing.)

. . . spills the bean to Rufus about Chuck’s attempted rape of Jenny during the pilot episode her freshman year . . .

 . . . Papa Humphrey radically changes his tune.

That afternoon, while Eva shops her little heart out on Chuck’s dime, she runs into Blair.

Of course, in typical Mean Girl fashion, Blair taunts Eva the Robot about her modest beginnings, plain looks, and peasant hands. With a scathing sneer and biting wit that would make Season 1 Blair proud, Queen B lets her latest competition for Chuck’s heart know, in no uncertain terms, that she is a “woman off the rack,” who does not belong in GG society.  (And most Chair fans would AGREE!) 

You can take the girl out of Constance Billard Prep . . . but you can’t take Constance Billard Prep out of the girl.

The bitter exchange upsets Eva enough (to the extent that she is capable of expressing human emotion) to cause her to confront Chuck about it, as the two prepare for Fashion’s Night Out.  In an admittedly sweet moment, Chuck tells Eva that he loves that she doesn’t fit in to his snooty world.  He truly believes that, once given a chance to meet her, the Upper East Siders will love Eva just as much as HE does . . .

Oh, Chuck!  You Sweet, but Ignorant, Slut!  How willingly you overestimate the kindness of your friends and family.

As we watch Eva childishly recite the GG cast members’ names, like a child trying to remember a nursery rhyme, we just KNOW this girl is in for some seriously bad sh*t, in the weeks to come.  It almost makes me feel bad for her . . . almost.

Who’s Your Daddy, Baby Milo?

Meanwhile, Dan is still playing proud papa to Georgina’s spawn, Baby Milo . . .

 . . . when he receives a Gossip Girl blast that Georgina is living it up in St. Barts, while he is cleaning spit up off his unlimited collection of ugly flannel shirts.  To make matters worse, Busy Body Rufus rushes over to tell Dan that, based on his own expert opinion (Read: complete lamens’, not to mention, LAME MAN’S opinion), Baby Milo CANNOT be Dan’s son.

Cue the entrance of Vanessa “Never Met a Plotline She Couldn’t Make Boring” Abrams.

Together her and Dan enter into a positively snooze-worthy discussion about Dan’s options regarding the care of Baby Milo.  Unfortunately for Dan, he has gone and fallen in love with the little Demon Baby, and can’t imagine giving it up for adoption or putting it in foster care.  Dan wants to raise Milo himself.  However, he fears that his student lifestyle will provide him with neither the time nor sufficient income to get the job done.

Then Vanessa, saves the day, by offering to move in with Dan, and help him to raise Baby Milo.

(This is the point in the recap where I would insert a “YIPPEE” . . . if I cared enough about this storyline to do so, which I don’t . . .)

Dan initially cautions his girlfriend against this idea.  He fears he is asking too much of Vanessa, and will ultimately end up jeopardizing their relationship as a result.

Well . . . that got a response from me!

Even though she was CLEARLY not born yet when the film in question came out, Vanessa argues that if Tom Selleck and Ted Danson from Three Men and a Baby could raise a kid, so could Dan and Vanessa . . .

“As long as that doesn’t make me Guttenberg,” quips Dan.

Ummm . . . I hate to break it to you Dan .  . . but you are TOTALLY Guttenberg.  And Vanessa is Tom Selleck’s mustache . . .

Dan agrees to let Vanessa move in and help him raise Baby Milo.  However, before she can return to the apartment with all her hippie skirts, mismatched scarfs, incense, and patchouli . . . GEORGINA RETURNS!

In what was undoubtedly the most interesting and hilarious part of this lame and second rate B-plot storyline, Georgina explains that Milo’s father is some Russian businessman who she met and screwed on an airplane.

“Now, I’m a super villain AND a member of the Mile High Club.  I RULE!”

Unfortunately, for Georgina, the Russian businessman’s wife found out about the tryst, and when she heard Georgina was pregnant, she put a hit out on the dimunitve vixen.  By doctoring Milo’s birth certificates to say that Dan was his father (as opposed to the 100’s of other men Trampy Georgina undoubtedly was banging during that time), Georgina got the killers off her tail.  Now, however, she’s finally decided to grow up and be a real mother to Milo. 

Dan tries to protest.  However, he has no REAL claim to the Baby, so Georgina ultimately takes the child with her.  At the end of the episode, Vanessa and Dan decide to move in together, anyway.

And they all lived Boringly Ever After . . .

(Honestly, I was kind of hoping for more Georgina Hijinks and Histrionics here.  Weren’t you?  Like, for example, watching her be chased by a bunch of Russian Mafioso would be absolutely HILARIOUS, in my opinion!

But, perhaps, not everyone agrees with me . . .)

Rufus Humphrey Cock Block Extraordinaire

“As the Lord is my Witness, Chuck Bass will NEVER GET LAID AGAIN!  Mwahhahaha!”

At Fashion’s Night Out, Chuck approaches Lily, Rufus and Eric to make his apologies, and hopefully, to introduce them to Eva.

Unfortunately for Chuck, Rufus is not too keen on forgiving his daughter’s Date Rapist.  In fact, he doesn’t want the Bass-tard anywhere NEAR HIS FAMILY.  And yet, Rufus the Doofus takes his Chuck-sized hatred one step further.  He wants Chuck to become a re-virginized MONK!

“Whatcha you talkin’ about, Rufus?”

When Eva enters the fray, Chuck, fearing that Rufus will spill the beans about his pervy past to the woman he is passing the time until Blair takes him back with loves, throws himself on the sword saying, “That’s just another social climber making a play for Chuck Bass.  She is not with me.”

Oh no you, didn’t!

Eva dashes off in tears.  And Chuck, after another heart-to-heart with surrogate Mommy Lily, finally finds the courage to rush after her, come clean about his sordid past.  At first, Eva is disgusted, and leaves him.  Almost immediately, a tail between his legs Chuck confronts Blair.

And the Queen B is so smug and self-satisfied about Chuck’s failure and Eva’s resultant departure, that she practically does a dance of joy, right in front of him.

But then Eva returns.

“It was hard for me to learn what kind of man you were.  But I’ve seen the kind of man you can be.  And I choose to be with that man,” announces Eva.

Her and Chuck then kiss (BARF!), as Blair looks on disgusted.

“Once lips have tasted caviar, it baffles me how they can return to catfish,” Blair notes wryly, toward the end of the episode.

Well said, Miss Waldorf!  Because it sure beats the heck out of me . . .

Secret Society Hijinks Ensue .  . .

I wanted to save the most intriguing plotline for last, so allow me to backtrack a bit, and tell you what happened after Blair was admitted into Hamilton House, and Serena wasn’t.  Well, first the Slimy Seductive Juliet took Blair aside, and poured a little metaphorical poison in her ear, when the latter inquired as to why Serena wasn’t admitted into their little club.

“Isn’t it better to have something at this school that is just yours,” Juliet suggests casually, with all the finesse of a snake in the Garden of Eden.

Boy!  Juliet sure has Blair’s number!  Little Miss “I’ll take the West Bank, you take the East,” is no one if not a person who is constantly seeking out her own fame and recognition.  Juliet then takes things one step further, insisting that Blair attend a Martini Event thrown by Hamilton House, instead of keep her dinner plans with Serena.  Then, when Serena calls to find out where Blair is, Juliet instructs her to LIE about her whereabouts, so as not to “hurt Serena’s feelings.”

Blair stupidly takes the bait. 

Moments later, in a move that surprised precisely NO ONE, Gossip Girl streamed the Martini Event live, allowing Serena to catch Blair in her fib.  (It was at this moment, Boys and Girls, that I became pretty certain that Juliet was Gossip Girl.  Little did I know that something would happen later to prove me wrong . . .)

The next day, an angry Serena confronted a very flowery-dressed Blair about her deception, suggesting that Juliet sabotaged Serena’s ability to get into Hamilton House.  Blair, as per usual, gets defensive, “There’s no conspiracy.  Hamilton House just doesn’t want YOU!”  Blair yelps.

Blair then walks off in a huff.

Later, Serena sees other girls getting keys to Hamilton House, even after Juliet suspiciously claimed there were none left.  So, “S” decides to confront the BIATCH.

Turning the tables on Serena, Juliet asserts that it was BLAIR who kept Serena from getting into Hamilton House, by revealing to the alumni the existence of a sex tape involving Serena and Pete Hammond. . . as in THAT GUY SHE “KILLED.”

At Fashion’s Night Out, we see an angry-looking Serena stalk into the building in search of Blair.  The next thing we know, Gossip Girl is live-streaming footage of a hair pulling, name-calling argument between the frenemies, in which Blair awkwardly notes that Serena’s dad couldn’t raise herproperly, because he was busy giving her mother, FAKE CANCER! 

(OUCH!  That had to hurt!)

Meanwhile, a smug Juliet, who, along with her new Hamilton House minions, is watching the whole fight on her iPhone, decides to put the whole altercation on wide-screen television, for all the Fashion’s Night Out attendees to enjoy.

Eventually Juliet tells her minions that it is time to “step in and save ‘her sister’ [Blair] from that b*tch [Serena].”  However, when Juliet rips back the curtain, all she finds is Blair and Serena sitting calmly on the sofa, watching the same pre-recorded broadcast, the rest of the party is enjoying.  As it turns out, they had leaked the fake fight footage to Gossip Girl, in order to catch Juliet in the act of trying to ruin both of their reputations. 

(This turn of events just made it very unlikely that Juliet is actually Gossip Girl.)

“Your little plan might have worked on us in High School, but not now,” lectures Blair maturely (before sticking her tongue out, and singing “Nah-Nah, Nah-Nah, Nah-Nah.”)

She’s right.  Juliet’s plan probably WOULD have worked on Blair and Serena, back when they were in High School.  In fact, it DID work.  If I recall, Georgina Sparks, herself, had done this exact sort of thing, once or twice, in earlier seasons, to break the besties apart.)

Lily van der Woodsen, who, OF COURSE, just so happens to be on the alumni board at Hamilton House, immediately dethrones Juliet, and offers her own daughter a “much-deserved” key to to the house.  Juliet skulks off.  And Nate, who has witnessed the whole ordeal, begins to run after her.  However, Serena stops him first.

Never exactly the “sharpest tool in the shed,” Nate surprises everybody, by siding with PSYCHO STALKER JULIET in this little battle of wits.  And why not?  After all, Serena cheated on him with Dorky Dan Humphrey last year, and then just automatically expected him to take her back.  And Nate DID want to take her back . . . at least, at first. 

But now, all the sudden, Nate has decided that he’s MAD at Serena (an emotion he should have experienced MONTHS ago . . . and probably would have, if he wasn’t so busy porking all those whores in Chuck’s Black Book).  Now, given all Nate’s “MAD-ness,” no matter what Serena does, she’s going to be a Big Fat Poopy Head in Nate’s eyes.

After leaving Serena to comprehend the concept of a boy actually NOT wanting to bone her, Nate rushes to Psycho Stalker Juliet.  Crazy Train tells him that she only schemed against Serena, because she didn’t want Nate around her all the time at Hamilton House.  In short, Juliet claims that she acted out of jealousy.

Sure, it’s obvious to everyone that Juliet is lying.  But not to Moronic Nate, who’s just arrogant enough to believe her.  So, while Serena is moving in to La Casa de Waldorf with Blair and Dorota; Nate and Juliet are making out, and sealing their fate as the most effed up couple in Gossip Girl history (well, aside from Chuck and Jenny of course — but they don’t count.)

It all ends in a fairly commonplace way, until the last scene.  There, we see Juliet visiting some guy in prison.  Upon listening to their conversation we can conclude that (1) HE’S the one who’s hired Psycho Stalker Girl to screw with Serena and the rest of the Upper East Side Crew; and (2) the prison-bound pair are romantically involved in some way — thus, making Juliet’s romantic advances toward Nate (for now, at least) completely phony.

But who IS this guy?  My first thought was that he was Carter Baizen.  After all, Carter’s criminal dealings and grudges against most of the GG cast, would make him a likely candidate for something like this.  The problem, of course, was that this guy didn’t look like Sebastian Stan (the actor who plays Carter).

My second guess was that this Prisoner Dude is somehow related to Pete, the guy Serena “killed.”  After all, Juliet made a point to mention Pete’s name, when making an excuse as to why Serena wasn’t admitted to Hamilton House.  How else would she know all that information, if not from a connected outside source?

Well, I’m all out of ideas.  What about you guys?  Any suggestions as to who this orange-jumpsuited man might be, or why he hates Serena so much?

[www.juliekushner.com]

The Princess and the Bass – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Double Identity”

Ahhh, fairytales.  You’ve gotta love them: the gorgeous scenery, the beautiful costumes, the eventual happy endings.  But, of course, a fairytale just wouldn’t be a fairytale, without its memorable characters.  Every fairytale must have its Princess . . .

. . . her loyal subjects . . .

. . . her Prince Charming .  . .

. . . and an Evil Witch . . .

.  . . who, unbeknownst to everybody, puts a spell on Prince Charming, which forces him to engage in sexual intercourse with an Evil Raccoon Zombie, who has been programmed to systematically destroy ALL HAPPY COUPLES, EVERYWHERE!

“No man is safe!”

And then, inevitably, there will come a time, when one of our soulmates will find himself (or herself) in Grave Danger . . .

Perhaps, he will suffer “amnesia,” as a result.  Or, maybe, he remembers EVERYTHING . . .  But he is just so ashamed of his previous dalliances with Evil Raccoons .  . . that he simply wishes not to be found — even if not being found means losing his beautiful Princess, FOREVER.

And it is HERE, during this, our Darkest Hour, that we begin OUR story . . .

“I once was lost . . .”

This episode opens just as last week’s did, with Serena and Blair dining in an outdoor cafe in Paris.

Blair has GOOD NEWS to share with Serena!  Apparently, Prince Louis Grimaldi wants to get inside the Waldorf pantalones SO MUCH, that he’s willing to completely forget the whole “Blair only wants to go out with him, because he is filthy rich” thing.

“What can I say?  I have a soft spot for Upper East Side Pantalones!”

Meanwhile, Serena is trying to work through a MAJOR quandary.  In just a few days, she will heading back to New York, where there will be not one, but TWO men vying for her affections.  WHO will she choose?  The Stud . . .

. . .  or The Dud?

(or, as Blair calls him, The Donut . . .)

Image provided by pleasedrinkaknife.com

Clearly, this would be a tough decision for ANYONE (read: absolutely NO ONE) to make.  That is why it is a good thing that “The Force” is with Serena . . .

And, HOW do we know that The Force is with Miss van der Woodsen, while she is making this decision?   Well, because she’s wearing her Princess Leia’s Prisoner costume, of course!

Unfortunately, for Serena, she has little time to ponder her EPIC decision.  Soon after Blair heads off to prepare for her superficial magical date, Serena gets a phone call from her mother.

The conversation goes something like this:

Mama VDW: A body washed up in Paris.  The police think it belongs to Chuck Bass.  Would you be a dear, and go identify it for me?  I’d go myself.  But I don’t like to leave Rufus alone in the penthouse.  He has a habit of wearing my makeup, and trying on all my dresses in my absence . . .

Serena:  That depends.   Can I f*ck the body?

 Miss VDW:  No . . . remember what happened the LAST time?

Serena: Awwww!  You never let me have ANY fun!  *pouts*  FINNNNNE!  I’ll go!

So, off Serena gallops to the morgue . . .

There, she meets a guy who looks like Albert Einstein, back from the dead . . .

Reincarnated Einstein shows Serena Chuck’s wallet and passport, which she confirms did, in fact, belong to him.  Serena then braces herself, as Reincarnated Einstein lifts the sheet off the deceased’s body.   And it is .  . .

NOT CHUCK!

Of course, considering we ALL saw him end the end of last week’s episode, we already knew that . . .

Wake me when we actually learn something . . .

As luck would have it though, Chuck IS under a sheet at that very moment, just not the one Serena’s peeking under.  Instead, he’s cuddling in bed with a blonde!

“AHHHH!  Oh no!  Not her again!  It’s a nightmare!”

Don’t worry, Chuck, it’s NOT Jenny this time!

“Phew!  Wait . . . who is it then?  Did Blair dye her hair blonde, and not tell me?”

Wrong, again Chuck.  It’s THIS chick . . .

Apparently, Chuck . . . I’m sorry . .  . “Henry Prince” has been shacking up with Eva in Prague, ever since she nursed him back to health from that fatal gunshot wound.  Now, they have relocated to Paris, where Chuck Henry is set to begin work at Eva’s father’s restaurant.  As Chuck Henry heads out into the street, his new trusty cane in hand, he is almost HIT BY A TAXI!

And I bet you will NEVER GUESS who’s in the TAXI?

OMG!  It’s BLAIR!

Our two star-crossed lovebirds lock eyes for one beautiful moment. 

Then, Blair instructs the driver to keep moving, and Chuck Henry limps off dejectedly into the sunset.

” .  . . but now I’m found.”

Following her Morgue Trip, Serena returns to the home she is renting for the summer with Blair, to share with her Bestie all she has learned.  “I was at the Morgue today,” Serena offers, conversationally.

“Is that like a Sex Club?”  Blair inquires, showing us all just how well she knows her blonde friend.

“For me, yes.  But my mom said I couldn’t screw Chuck’s corpse.  She’s such a wet blanket!  It’s a place where they keep dead bodies,” Serena explains.

Serena then explains how Chuck was presumed dead, but is now, apparently, alive and Missing in Action.

“Consider him found,” replies Blair, offering up for discussion her own Bass-sized encounter, from earlier in the day.

Serena is worried about Chuck, and wants Blair to help her locate him.  Serena explains that there was blood on Chuck’s wallet, which may explain why he was limping and using a cane.  Blair, however (who is clearly in DENIAL of her Luuuuuuve), refuses to help find Chuck.  After all, she is about to head off on her boring  magical date with Louis the Royal . . .

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ . . ..

. . . and nothing as insignificant as a ONCE IN A LIFETIME ROMANCE is going to stop her.

Serena quickly (and a little too conveniently) locates Chuck’s and Eva’s new digs, after talking to one of Eva’s relatives.  (Yes, because that’s what my family members do ALL THE TIME:  give my address out to random strangers dressed like Princess Leia.  That’s not risky behavior at all.) 

Serena knocks on the temporary  lovebirds’ door.  Chuck answers.  He then tells Serena that “The man you are looking for is not here,” before SLAMMING THE DOOR IN HER FACE!

Not one to be deterred by rejection (or venereal diseases, or whether the object of her affection is still alive . . . or human), Serena remains outside Chuck’s apartment, like any good stalker would, and waits for him to re-emerge.  Eventually, he does. 

“Awww, man!  You again? Why do they keep sticking me with the blondes, when all I really want is the BRUNETTE!”

“You, should have thought of THAT before you banged the Evil Zombie Raccoon, Bass-tard!”

Serena tries to convince Chuck to come home, where people care about him.  She tells him that he should not hide from who he is.  But HIDE is exactly what Chuck Henry Princetends to do.  In fact, he is scheduled to pick up a fake passport with his new fake (and lame) name that very day.  “There will be NO more Chuck Bass,”  He explains matter-of-factly.

“I was blind . . .”

Once again, Blair is busy preparing for a date with her sweet but dull new Rebound Guy beau, Louis the Royal.  This time, because it is really 1862, he’s invited her out to a BALL. 

Really, Louis?  Isn’t this your third date?  Don’t most guys your age, take their girlfriends out to Mickey D’s for this one, so that they can get laid before SNL starts?  Ummmm . . . Louis, it’s called “trying too hard” . . . and you’re doing it.

Once again, Serena comes by to BEG Blair to convince Chuck to ditch being a “Prince” and return to being his “Bass-tardy” self.  But Blair is not about to let some Evil Queen  . . .

 . . . ruin her fairytale.  She has no interest in speaking to Chuck.

Not wanting to be the Evil Queen (AGAIN), Serena decides to let Blair have her boring fun, and tells her not to worry about Chuck.

However, when Serena receives an envelope containing a deed to Chuck’s Empire hotel, she begins to become even more concerned about his welfare and state of mind.  Serena leaves a phone message with Blair, again begging her to reconsider.

At Harry Winston, Blair, already clad in her evening gown, is picking out jewelry for the Ball, when she comes across a very special ring.

 . . . and wouldn’t you know it, it just so happens to be the ring Chuck bought to propose to Blair — the one that he wouldn’t let go of, even after being held at gunpoint, even after being shot, and nearly bleeding to death!!!!!!  It’s ring that, even though the muggers SHOT Chuck specifically to steal it, was miraculously returned to a Harry Winston store in a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT COUNTRY from where it was initially stolen, completely unscathed.

Clearly, this ring has special powers . . .

One ring to rule them all  . . .

At the same time, Serena magically appears . . .

Ta Da!

 .  . . along with the inspector, who just so happens to be investigating Chuck’s “disappearance.”  As it turns out, the inspector JUST THIS MOMENT discovered that this STOLEN ring, which its thieves apparently tried to exchange for cash, at the SNOOTIEST, MOST EXPENSIVE, OFTEN FREQUENTED BY ROYALTY, jewelry store in Paris, once belonged to Chuck, and, by extension, ALMOST belonged to Blair.

Huh?

“Chuck was shot?”  Blair whispers, her voice breaking as she speaks, not believing the words that are coming out of her mouth.

Not only was Chuck SHOT, he was SHOT clinging tightly to what could have been Blair’s engagement ring.  For Chuck, it was a final act of love, for a women he truly believed would never again love him in return.  

(Now, even a snarky cynic like me, can’t joke about THAT!  That’s the sweetest thing I have EVER heard.)

FINALLY, realizing all that he had sacrificed for her, Blair decides that she HAS to talk to Chuck, and convince him to come back home. If she doesn’t, she will surely spend the rest of her life regretting it.

” . . . but now I see.”

Off Blair rushes to the train station to catch Chuck before he disappears once again . . . this time, quite possibly for good.  The two meet on a train platform overlooking the city.  She is dressed like a Princess; He, like Pauper.  The pair’s eyes meet, and the natural chemistry between them instantly electrifies the whole screen.  Yes, Chuck and Blair fans!  THIS is the moment we’ve been waiting all summer for!

“Just because you are poorly dressed, doesn’t mean you are not Chuck Bass,” offers Blair.  (Leave it to Blair to talk fashion choices at a time like this . . .)

Blair then expresses hurt that Chuck never told her that he had been so badly hurt.  Despite their problems, this was something she felt she would want to know.  Chuck explains that when he woke up in the hospital, and realized that no one knew where he was, he decided that he no longer had to BE a man he now despised . . . Chuck Bass.  Chuck wishes to change, to become a person someone could love. 

“Someone did love you,” replies Blair, causing tears to well up in Chuck’s eyes.

“I destroyed the only thing I ever loved,” Chuck says morosely, leaning toward Blair, yet cautiously keeping his distance, fearing that if he gets any closer, he will completely break down.

Blair then calmly explains to Chuck that she doesn’t love him anymore . . .

 . . . but that it would take more than him to destroy Blair Waldorf. 

(Awww, see!  They both like to talk about themselves in the third person!  Anyone else would find that REALLY ANNOYING!  Clearly, these two are made for one another.)

And, just in case, any of you cynics out there doubted for a SECOND that there was hope for these two crazy kids, yet, Blair confirms it with her final heartfelt statement: “It wouldn’t be My World, without you in it.”

Later, Chuck meets up with Eva, once again. 

She is happy to see him.  Having seen Blair, who she recognized running to the train station the other day, Eva became convinced that Chuck had left Eva to be with her (which he SHOULD have).  Chuck promises Eva that this was not his intention. 

As it turns out, Chuck wants to return to New York.  Once there, he intends to become a better person than he once was.  He would like Eva to come with him.  She inquires whether he has already purchased tickets for them.   “We don’t need tickets,” Chuck explains.  “I’m Chuck Bass.”

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, THE BASS HAS RE-ENTERED THE BUILDING!

Realizing that, like Chuck, SHE was also running away from her problems, by staying in Paris, Blair promptly dumps Louis the Boring Royal . . . but leaves him a smelly high heel to remember her by .  . .

Just like Cinderella . . . only not.

Meanwhile, back in Psycho Stalker Land . . .

Virtual Stranger Juliet offers to be Nate’s “Life Coach,” after learning that Serena sent him a cryptic text message, saying that she, “Needs to talk to [him].”

Nate instantly takes Juliet up on her offer.  Real smart, Nate!  I know I always make it a habit to take life advice from people I know next to nothing about, who, despite having just met me, already have pictures of me plastered all over their bedroom wall . . .

Ummm, how exactly did Brilliant Nate get into Columbia?  And don’t say nepotism, because his Dad just so happens to be a Lowlife Loser White Collar Crook . . .

As Nate’s Life Ruiner Coach, Juliet’s first instruction is that he eliminate all competition for Serena’s heart.

According to Juliet, this can be done by pushing the competition out a 13-story window getting said competition involved with another girl who is NOT Serena.  Juliet mentions Dan’s name.  However, Nate does not consider Dan competition.  (Who would?) 

Nevertheless, Juliet is determined to prove to Nate that Dan IS his competition, and therefore, must be DESTROYED!  So, Juliet and Nate head to Dan’s place.  Once there, Nate casually asks Dan, if he has heard from Serena.  Dan says he hasn’t.   Yet, when Dan leaves the room.  Juliet nabs his cell phone, and, after doing a bit of snooping, promptly shows it to Nate.  It says THIS:

“OMG, NATE,” says Juliet.  “See what this says.  Apparently,  Serena sent a message to Dan about wanting to see HIM TOO!  And even though it says the message is “NEW,” which usually means the person HASN’T READ IT  YET, clearly, Dan has already read it.  He just made it LOOK like it was still not read, to psych you out.  He KNEW you would be checking his text messages, when he left the room.  That sneaky bastard.  Dan is TOTALLY out to steal your girl, Nate.”

Not typically one to “think for himself” (It gives him a headache.), the gorgeous, but mentally “special” Nate reluctantly agrees that Dan is, in fact, probably, trying to steal Serena from him.

“Oh, it’s ON  . . .”

“Like Donkey Kong . . .”

After a few moments of brain-burning THOUGHT, Nate and Juliet come to realize that the only other person, aside from Serena, that would currently be willing to bang Papa Dan, is Vanessa .  . .

So, like any good 13-year old girl, Juliet tells Vanessa that she heard that Nate said . . .  that Dan said .  . . that Dan . . . REALLY wants to bone Vanessa on a regular basis.  Nate, who’s nonexistent short term memory has caused him to forget that HE was once IN LOVE with Vanessa, plays along.  He agrees with Juliet that Vanessa should TOTALLY ride that Humping Humphrey Pony. 

And so, ride it, Vanessa does . . .

The next day, Vanessa tells Dan how happy she is that Juliet passed her a note in gym class that said “Humping Humphrey has the Hots for Venereal Disease-Free Vanessa.”  After all, if not for Juliet and Nate, Dan and Vanessa might not have gotten around to doing the horizontal mambo for a whole TWO MORE EPISODES.  When Dan hears about his alleged “crush,” he makes this face . . .

FINALLY, figuring out that his so-called friend has played him like a fiddle, Dan texts Nate the following:  “I know what you did last summer told Vanessa.”

Nate rushes over to his boyfriend’s house to explain his bad behavior.  But while the two are discussing the REAL reason behind Nate’s underhandedness: Juliet’s Psychosis His and Dan’s mutual feelings for Serena, Vanessa overhears.  Realizing that she will ALWAYS be the boys’ second choice, behind Serena (well . . . maybe THIRD CHOICE . . . behind Serena and Blair . . . or is it fourth choice?  Behind Serena, Blair AND Evil Jenny . . . and what about Georgina . . .)  Vanessa storms out in a huff.

Later, Dan decides that he DOES like Vanessa better than Serena, after all, for now.  (Unlike S, who literally screwed everything that moved this summer, V is most likely VD free.  So, at least, she has THAT going for her.)  So, Dan apologizes to Vanessa, and the two become a couple again for the 865th time since Gossip Girl began.

By the time, Serena finally arrives back in NYC — ready to make her “Big Choice” between Dan and Nate –her two suitors are already otherwise occupied, or so she thinks.  At the apartment, Serena finds Dan clutching Boring Vanessa’s hand, and Nate clutching Crazy Juliet’s hand.  So, it looks like Serena will have to go back to screwing random men on the streets for a while . . .

It wouldn’t be the first time . . . and it probably won’t be the last.

After Serena goes off with her tail between her legs, looking for her next conquest, Nate asks Juliet out for real.  Ummm, Nate, have you ever seen the movie Fatal Attraction?  Because you might want to Netflix it before taking this chicky out . . . just saying.

A photograph of Juliet Sharp in about 20 years . . .

At the conclusion of the episode, we see Juliet staring up at her Wall of Weird . . .

From the Wall, she promptly removes all photos of Nate, Dan and Vanessa.  In fact, she removes EVERY photo from the wall, except for Serena’s mugshot.  On the phone, she tells someone unknown to the viewers:  “I had to improvise a bit.  But it’s done . . . Hang in there.  I miss you.”

Ummmmm . . . OK . . . maybe NATE isn’t the one who has to worry about a Fatal Attraction.  Hide your pet bunny, Serena!

Oh, and did I mention that apparent Blood EXPERT (and possible Vampire) Papa Rufus determined, based on the kid’s blood type, that Baby Milo most likely isn’t Dan’s (which 99.9% of us knew already)?  No?  Well . . . now I have.

XOXO!

(Note:  A number of the screencaps above were provided courtesy of cwtv.com and chuckandblairtheperfectpair.wordpress.com.  Thanks to both sites for the fabulous photo stills.)

[www.juliekushner.com]