The Kids are All Grown Up . . . Sort Of – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Undergraduates”

I’m pretty sure this kind of thing happens at least once every season.  Except, this time, Serena has raised the stakes, by discovering the art of camouflage.  Seriously!  Who else, besides Serena, would dress to match the curtains at a fashion event? 

I never thought it would happen, but after four seasons of scheming, cattiness, and hijinks, our Upper East Side crew is FINALLY showing some signs of maturity . . . well, some of them are, at least.  Others are . . . well . . . not.

So, without further adieu, let’s take a look back at this episode, to find out which characters are still in diapers . . .

 . . . and who got to graduate to Big Boy Pants!

Gossip Girl gets an Upgrade.  Serena gets Downsized.

 

When the episode begins, Serena and Blair are preparing for their first day at Columbia University.

Unfortuntely, their first day of school just so happens to be a very dark day on the Upper West Side.  As it turns out . . . the Gossip Girl website is temporarily DOWN.

Clearly, this is a tragedy of EPIC proportions, especially for Blair, who just so happens to be one of those people . . .

 . . . who is simply not happy, unless some low rent media entity is documenting her every move.  As their first official order of business as new Columbia students, Blair and Serena .  . . go to class.  HAHA!  JUST KIDDING!  We don’t do actually that on this show . . .

Instead, Blair and Serena head off to the “Hamilton House” (i.e. this season’s version of the “secret society” Blair tries to join every year, whose members’ innate snobbery and elite status cause our Queen Bee to temporarily forget who her REAL friends are)  . . .

It’s not just for cans and bottles any more.  We do it for PLOTLINES too!

As Blair and Serena enter the insanely stuck up Hamilton House, Serena notes her very familiar surroundings, and gripes, “I thought college would be different from high school.”

“Who would want that?”  Blair inquires, without an ounce of humor or irony in her voice.  (You gotta love Blair!)

Speaking of high school, just moments after arriving, the girls encounter a “old friend” from “back in the day” (i.e. two years ago).

It’s Perpetual Queen Bee Runner Up, PENELOPE!

And, I am happy to report, that she is just as much of a saucy biatch, as she was in high school!  After Penelope and Blair exchange a few bitter barbs for old time’s sake, the diva reveals that one of her ancestors was a founding member of the Hamilton House.  This accident of birth makes Penelope a legacy at Hamilton House, and and automatic club member.  Fortunately for Blair, Penelope is NOT, however, the Key Master, i.e. the person responsible for personally inviting new members to join the club.

Poor Penelope!  Always a minion, never a royal!

But, you know who IS Key Master at Hamilton House? THIS GIRL . . .

It’s Crazy Potential Psycho Stalker, Juliet Sharp, of course!  (Clearly, Hamilton House is a VERY classy establishment, if they are letting homicidal maniacs join.)  When Blair and Serena approach Juliet for their keys to the club, Looney Tunes herself surprises EVERYBODY (well, at least everybody who didn’t see the trailer for the episode, before it aired), by offering a club key to Blair  . . . and NOT SERENA!

At that very moment, Gossip Girl comes back online with a BRAND NEW FEATURE.  It’s called Live Video Streaming, and it’s like Botox for websites.

The Video Stream shows Serena getting rejected by Hamilton House, as a politely reserved, but secretly smug, Blair fondles her new key to the kingdom elite Columbia society.  Of course, this poses the very important question of WHO is Gossip Girl, that she was able to get such close-up footage of the girls at this elite event?  You see, in the past, any onlooker could have sent Gossip Girl the pictures and intel that the site happened to be seeking at the time. 

However, seeing as the GG site had been down for a period of time; and, presumably no one, except Gossip Girl herself (or himself), knew at the time that the site had video capabilities, that pretty much narrows the suspects down to someone in that room.  Could it be Juliet?  Penelope? 

 Only time will tell . . .

Outside of Hamilton House, Blair half-heartedly offers to decline membership in the club for Serena’s sake.  However, Serena, who knows a fake gesture of kindness when she sees one, replies that this will not be necessary.  “S” would never stand in the way of her Best-ie’s social progress.  Besides, Hamilton House may just be a bit too “right wing” for a bohemian gal, like Serena.

Famous Hamilton House Alumnis

Upon receiving Serena’s “blessing” to stay in Hamilton House, Blair responds like THIS . . .

 . . . and bounces off excitedly, but not before making plans to meet Serena later for dinner and drinks.

Feeling a bit like the Stinky Kid in Elementary School, who nobody wanted to play with,  Serena calls Dorky Dan, in hopes of bolstering her recently diminished self esteem . . .

. . . and he BLOWS HER OFF . . .

 . . . to hang out with a guy who still POOPS IN HIS PANTS!

Then she calls Hot Pants Nate . . .

. . . and HE BLOWS HER OFF TOO!

(Apparently, Hamilton House is coed, and Nate’s a member as well.  How CONVENIENT!)

Yes, Serena.  Apparently, college IS just like High School.  Except, now, you are the NEW Jenny Humphrey . . .

It’s not easy . . . being sleazy.

Lifestyles of the Rich and the Rapist

While the rest of his friends are stories below, pretending to matriculate at Columbia, Chuck Bass is sleeping on million-thread count sheets, in the Penthouse Suite at the Empire Hotel.  He wakes up to find his new Gal Pal Eva missing.  When he sees the sliding glass door to the balcony open, Chuck worries for a moment that the idea of being the most HATED new cast member of Gossip Girl got to be too much for Eva, and she threw herself out the window.

Goodbye, Cruel Fangirls!

(At the same time, Chair fans across the nation are keeping their fingers crossed for the same result.  It’s nothing personal, Eva.  You’re just NO Blair Waldorf!)

But, alas when Chuck arrives outside, he finds Eva simply looking out at the city skyline, with her feet planted firmly on the ground.  “Your world . . . it’s magnificent,” says Eva, with all the emotion and excitement of a person saying, “I have a dentist appointment today.”

Chuck is so enamored by Eva’s innocence, that he can’t help but set out to destroy it.  Immediately, he offers Eva room service, a spa day, and unlimited access to his credit card.  You know, Eva, I recently saw a movie just like this.  Wanna know which one?

Yes, Eva.  I AM calling you a whore (but a VERY nice and well-mannered one, just like in the movie)!

“Your life is perfect,” Eva says in a dull monotone that would make Ben Stein proud.

“Bueller . . . Bueller . .  . Bueller.”

“Now, so is yours,” lies Chuck through his teeth.

Meanwhile, Nate stops by Chuck’s hotel suite to return the Bass-tard’s Black Book, and lecture the hotel scion about being honest with his girlfriend about his shady past.

Riiiiight.  Just like I’m sure Nate is going to be honest with HIS new girlfriend about all the STD’s he undoubtedly contracted this summer, as a result of using said “Black Book.”

Leaving Eva to her own devices, Chuck goes to visit Lily . . .

 . . . the one person member of his Post-Sex with She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named Fan Club.  Chuck tells Lily that he is a changed man, who has stopped screwing raccoons . . .

. . . and has, instead, fallen in love with a character from the Harry Potter series.

Eager to make things right with her extended family, Lily invites Chuck and Eva to attend Fashion’s Night Out.  There, she supposes, the van der Woodsens, Basses and Humphreys can mingle without the added pressure of a formalized dinner.  Chuck agrees.

Later, Lily convinces Rufus to give the New and Improved Bass . . .

“I’m singing a Redemption Song!”

 . . . a second chance at the fashion event.  Rufus initially agrees to have an open mind.  However, when Eric . . .

Welcome back, Buddy!  We missed you!  You’re the least screwed up character on THIS SHOW!  (Well . . . aside from the whole “tried to commit suicide” thing.)

. . . spills the bean to Rufus about Chuck’s attempted rape of Jenny during the pilot episode her freshman year . . .

 . . . Papa Humphrey radically changes his tune.

That afternoon, while Eva shops her little heart out on Chuck’s dime, she runs into Blair.

Of course, in typical Mean Girl fashion, Blair taunts Eva the Robot about her modest beginnings, plain looks, and peasant hands. With a scathing sneer and biting wit that would make Season 1 Blair proud, Queen B lets her latest competition for Chuck’s heart know, in no uncertain terms, that she is a “woman off the rack,” who does not belong in GG society.  (And most Chair fans would AGREE!) 

You can take the girl out of Constance Billard Prep . . . but you can’t take Constance Billard Prep out of the girl.

The bitter exchange upsets Eva enough (to the extent that she is capable of expressing human emotion) to cause her to confront Chuck about it, as the two prepare for Fashion’s Night Out.  In an admittedly sweet moment, Chuck tells Eva that he loves that she doesn’t fit in to his snooty world.  He truly believes that, once given a chance to meet her, the Upper East Siders will love Eva just as much as HE does . . .

Oh, Chuck!  You Sweet, but Ignorant, Slut!  How willingly you overestimate the kindness of your friends and family.

As we watch Eva childishly recite the GG cast members’ names, like a child trying to remember a nursery rhyme, we just KNOW this girl is in for some seriously bad sh*t, in the weeks to come.  It almost makes me feel bad for her . . . almost.

Who’s Your Daddy, Baby Milo?

Meanwhile, Dan is still playing proud papa to Georgina’s spawn, Baby Milo . . .

 . . . when he receives a Gossip Girl blast that Georgina is living it up in St. Barts, while he is cleaning spit up off his unlimited collection of ugly flannel shirts.  To make matters worse, Busy Body Rufus rushes over to tell Dan that, based on his own expert opinion (Read: complete lamens’, not to mention, LAME MAN’S opinion), Baby Milo CANNOT be Dan’s son.

Cue the entrance of Vanessa “Never Met a Plotline She Couldn’t Make Boring” Abrams.

Together her and Dan enter into a positively snooze-worthy discussion about Dan’s options regarding the care of Baby Milo.  Unfortunately for Dan, he has gone and fallen in love with the little Demon Baby, and can’t imagine giving it up for adoption or putting it in foster care.  Dan wants to raise Milo himself.  However, he fears that his student lifestyle will provide him with neither the time nor sufficient income to get the job done.

Then Vanessa, saves the day, by offering to move in with Dan, and help him to raise Baby Milo.

(This is the point in the recap where I would insert a “YIPPEE” . . . if I cared enough about this storyline to do so, which I don’t . . .)

Dan initially cautions his girlfriend against this idea.  He fears he is asking too much of Vanessa, and will ultimately end up jeopardizing their relationship as a result.

Well . . . that got a response from me!

Even though she was CLEARLY not born yet when the film in question came out, Vanessa argues that if Tom Selleck and Ted Danson from Three Men and a Baby could raise a kid, so could Dan and Vanessa . . .

“As long as that doesn’t make me Guttenberg,” quips Dan.

Ummm . . . I hate to break it to you Dan .  . . but you are TOTALLY Guttenberg.  And Vanessa is Tom Selleck’s mustache . . .

Dan agrees to let Vanessa move in and help him raise Baby Milo.  However, before she can return to the apartment with all her hippie skirts, mismatched scarfs, incense, and patchouli . . . GEORGINA RETURNS!

In what was undoubtedly the most interesting and hilarious part of this lame and second rate B-plot storyline, Georgina explains that Milo’s father is some Russian businessman who she met and screwed on an airplane.

“Now, I’m a super villain AND a member of the Mile High Club.  I RULE!”

Unfortunately, for Georgina, the Russian businessman’s wife found out about the tryst, and when she heard Georgina was pregnant, she put a hit out on the dimunitve vixen.  By doctoring Milo’s birth certificates to say that Dan was his father (as opposed to the 100’s of other men Trampy Georgina undoubtedly was banging during that time), Georgina got the killers off her tail.  Now, however, she’s finally decided to grow up and be a real mother to Milo. 

Dan tries to protest.  However, he has no REAL claim to the Baby, so Georgina ultimately takes the child with her.  At the end of the episode, Vanessa and Dan decide to move in together, anyway.

And they all lived Boringly Ever After . . .

(Honestly, I was kind of hoping for more Georgina Hijinks and Histrionics here.  Weren’t you?  Like, for example, watching her be chased by a bunch of Russian Mafioso would be absolutely HILARIOUS, in my opinion!

But, perhaps, not everyone agrees with me . . .)

Rufus Humphrey Cock Block Extraordinaire

“As the Lord is my Witness, Chuck Bass will NEVER GET LAID AGAIN!  Mwahhahaha!”

At Fashion’s Night Out, Chuck approaches Lily, Rufus and Eric to make his apologies, and hopefully, to introduce them to Eva.

Unfortunately for Chuck, Rufus is not too keen on forgiving his daughter’s Date Rapist.  In fact, he doesn’t want the Bass-tard anywhere NEAR HIS FAMILY.  And yet, Rufus the Doofus takes his Chuck-sized hatred one step further.  He wants Chuck to become a re-virginized MONK!

“Whatcha you talkin’ about, Rufus?”

When Eva enters the fray, Chuck, fearing that Rufus will spill the beans about his pervy past to the woman he is passing the time until Blair takes him back with loves, throws himself on the sword saying, “That’s just another social climber making a play for Chuck Bass.  She is not with me.”

Oh no you, didn’t!

Eva dashes off in tears.  And Chuck, after another heart-to-heart with surrogate Mommy Lily, finally finds the courage to rush after her, come clean about his sordid past.  At first, Eva is disgusted, and leaves him.  Almost immediately, a tail between his legs Chuck confronts Blair.

And the Queen B is so smug and self-satisfied about Chuck’s failure and Eva’s resultant departure, that she practically does a dance of joy, right in front of him.

But then Eva returns.

“It was hard for me to learn what kind of man you were.  But I’ve seen the kind of man you can be.  And I choose to be with that man,” announces Eva.

Her and Chuck then kiss (BARF!), as Blair looks on disgusted.

“Once lips have tasted caviar, it baffles me how they can return to catfish,” Blair notes wryly, toward the end of the episode.

Well said, Miss Waldorf!  Because it sure beats the heck out of me . . .

Secret Society Hijinks Ensue .  . .

I wanted to save the most intriguing plotline for last, so allow me to backtrack a bit, and tell you what happened after Blair was admitted into Hamilton House, and Serena wasn’t.  Well, first the Slimy Seductive Juliet took Blair aside, and poured a little metaphorical poison in her ear, when the latter inquired as to why Serena wasn’t admitted into their little club.

“Isn’t it better to have something at this school that is just yours,” Juliet suggests casually, with all the finesse of a snake in the Garden of Eden.

Boy!  Juliet sure has Blair’s number!  Little Miss “I’ll take the West Bank, you take the East,” is no one if not a person who is constantly seeking out her own fame and recognition.  Juliet then takes things one step further, insisting that Blair attend a Martini Event thrown by Hamilton House, instead of keep her dinner plans with Serena.  Then, when Serena calls to find out where Blair is, Juliet instructs her to LIE about her whereabouts, so as not to “hurt Serena’s feelings.”

Blair stupidly takes the bait. 

Moments later, in a move that surprised precisely NO ONE, Gossip Girl streamed the Martini Event live, allowing Serena to catch Blair in her fib.  (It was at this moment, Boys and Girls, that I became pretty certain that Juliet was Gossip Girl.  Little did I know that something would happen later to prove me wrong . . .)

The next day, an angry Serena confronted a very flowery-dressed Blair about her deception, suggesting that Juliet sabotaged Serena’s ability to get into Hamilton House.  Blair, as per usual, gets defensive, “There’s no conspiracy.  Hamilton House just doesn’t want YOU!”  Blair yelps.

Blair then walks off in a huff.

Later, Serena sees other girls getting keys to Hamilton House, even after Juliet suspiciously claimed there were none left.  So, “S” decides to confront the BIATCH.

Turning the tables on Serena, Juliet asserts that it was BLAIR who kept Serena from getting into Hamilton House, by revealing to the alumni the existence of a sex tape involving Serena and Pete Hammond. . . as in THAT GUY SHE “KILLED.”

At Fashion’s Night Out, we see an angry-looking Serena stalk into the building in search of Blair.  The next thing we know, Gossip Girl is live-streaming footage of a hair pulling, name-calling argument between the frenemies, in which Blair awkwardly notes that Serena’s dad couldn’t raise herproperly, because he was busy giving her mother, FAKE CANCER! 

(OUCH!  That had to hurt!)

Meanwhile, a smug Juliet, who, along with her new Hamilton House minions, is watching the whole fight on her iPhone, decides to put the whole altercation on wide-screen television, for all the Fashion’s Night Out attendees to enjoy.

Eventually Juliet tells her minions that it is time to “step in and save ‘her sister’ [Blair] from that b*tch [Serena].”  However, when Juliet rips back the curtain, all she finds is Blair and Serena sitting calmly on the sofa, watching the same pre-recorded broadcast, the rest of the party is enjoying.  As it turns out, they had leaked the fake fight footage to Gossip Girl, in order to catch Juliet in the act of trying to ruin both of their reputations. 

(This turn of events just made it very unlikely that Juliet is actually Gossip Girl.)

“Your little plan might have worked on us in High School, but not now,” lectures Blair maturely (before sticking her tongue out, and singing “Nah-Nah, Nah-Nah, Nah-Nah.”)

She’s right.  Juliet’s plan probably WOULD have worked on Blair and Serena, back when they were in High School.  In fact, it DID work.  If I recall, Georgina Sparks, herself, had done this exact sort of thing, once or twice, in earlier seasons, to break the besties apart.)

Lily van der Woodsen, who, OF COURSE, just so happens to be on the alumni board at Hamilton House, immediately dethrones Juliet, and offers her own daughter a “much-deserved” key to to the house.  Juliet skulks off.  And Nate, who has witnessed the whole ordeal, begins to run after her.  However, Serena stops him first.

Never exactly the “sharpest tool in the shed,” Nate surprises everybody, by siding with PSYCHO STALKER JULIET in this little battle of wits.  And why not?  After all, Serena cheated on him with Dorky Dan Humphrey last year, and then just automatically expected him to take her back.  And Nate DID want to take her back . . . at least, at first. 

But now, all the sudden, Nate has decided that he’s MAD at Serena (an emotion he should have experienced MONTHS ago . . . and probably would have, if he wasn’t so busy porking all those whores in Chuck’s Black Book).  Now, given all Nate’s “MAD-ness,” no matter what Serena does, she’s going to be a Big Fat Poopy Head in Nate’s eyes.

After leaving Serena to comprehend the concept of a boy actually NOT wanting to bone her, Nate rushes to Psycho Stalker Juliet.  Crazy Train tells him that she only schemed against Serena, because she didn’t want Nate around her all the time at Hamilton House.  In short, Juliet claims that she acted out of jealousy.

Sure, it’s obvious to everyone that Juliet is lying.  But not to Moronic Nate, who’s just arrogant enough to believe her.  So, while Serena is moving in to La Casa de Waldorf with Blair and Dorota; Nate and Juliet are making out, and sealing their fate as the most effed up couple in Gossip Girl history (well, aside from Chuck and Jenny of course — but they don’t count.)

It all ends in a fairly commonplace way, until the last scene.  There, we see Juliet visiting some guy in prison.  Upon listening to their conversation we can conclude that (1) HE’S the one who’s hired Psycho Stalker Girl to screw with Serena and the rest of the Upper East Side Crew; and (2) the prison-bound pair are romantically involved in some way — thus, making Juliet’s romantic advances toward Nate (for now, at least) completely phony.

But who IS this guy?  My first thought was that he was Carter Baizen.  After all, Carter’s criminal dealings and grudges against most of the GG cast, would make him a likely candidate for something like this.  The problem, of course, was that this guy didn’t look like Sebastian Stan (the actor who plays Carter).

My second guess was that this Prisoner Dude is somehow related to Pete, the guy Serena “killed.”  After all, Juliet made a point to mention Pete’s name, when making an excuse as to why Serena wasn’t admitted to Hamilton House.  How else would she know all that information, if not from a connected outside source?

Well, I’m all out of ideas.  What about you guys?  Any suggestions as to who this orange-jumpsuited man might be, or why he hates Serena so much?

[www.juliekushner.com]

The Princess and the Bass – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Double Identity”

Ahhh, fairytales.  You’ve gotta love them: the gorgeous scenery, the beautiful costumes, the eventual happy endings.  But, of course, a fairytale just wouldn’t be a fairytale, without its memorable characters.  Every fairytale must have its Princess . . .

. . . her loyal subjects . . .

. . . her Prince Charming .  . .

. . . and an Evil Witch . . .

.  . . who, unbeknownst to everybody, puts a spell on Prince Charming, which forces him to engage in sexual intercourse with an Evil Raccoon Zombie, who has been programmed to systematically destroy ALL HAPPY COUPLES, EVERYWHERE!

“No man is safe!”

And then, inevitably, there will come a time, when one of our soulmates will find himself (or herself) in Grave Danger . . .

Perhaps, he will suffer “amnesia,” as a result.  Or, maybe, he remembers EVERYTHING . . .  But he is just so ashamed of his previous dalliances with Evil Raccoons .  . . that he simply wishes not to be found — even if not being found means losing his beautiful Princess, FOREVER.

And it is HERE, during this, our Darkest Hour, that we begin OUR story . . .

“I once was lost . . .”

This episode opens just as last week’s did, with Serena and Blair dining in an outdoor cafe in Paris.

Blair has GOOD NEWS to share with Serena!  Apparently, Prince Louis Grimaldi wants to get inside the Waldorf pantalones SO MUCH, that he’s willing to completely forget the whole “Blair only wants to go out with him, because he is filthy rich” thing.

“What can I say?  I have a soft spot for Upper East Side Pantalones!”

Meanwhile, Serena is trying to work through a MAJOR quandary.  In just a few days, she will heading back to New York, where there will be not one, but TWO men vying for her affections.  WHO will she choose?  The Stud . . .

. . .  or The Dud?

(or, as Blair calls him, The Donut . . .)

Image provided by pleasedrinkaknife.com

Clearly, this would be a tough decision for ANYONE (read: absolutely NO ONE) to make.  That is why it is a good thing that “The Force” is with Serena . . .

And, HOW do we know that The Force is with Miss van der Woodsen, while she is making this decision?   Well, because she’s wearing her Princess Leia’s Prisoner costume, of course!

Unfortunately, for Serena, she has little time to ponder her EPIC decision.  Soon after Blair heads off to prepare for her superficial magical date, Serena gets a phone call from her mother.

The conversation goes something like this:

Mama VDW: A body washed up in Paris.  The police think it belongs to Chuck Bass.  Would you be a dear, and go identify it for me?  I’d go myself.  But I don’t like to leave Rufus alone in the penthouse.  He has a habit of wearing my makeup, and trying on all my dresses in my absence . . .

Serena:  That depends.   Can I f*ck the body?

 Miss VDW:  No . . . remember what happened the LAST time?

Serena: Awwww!  You never let me have ANY fun!  *pouts*  FINNNNNE!  I’ll go!

So, off Serena gallops to the morgue . . .

There, she meets a guy who looks like Albert Einstein, back from the dead . . .

Reincarnated Einstein shows Serena Chuck’s wallet and passport, which she confirms did, in fact, belong to him.  Serena then braces herself, as Reincarnated Einstein lifts the sheet off the deceased’s body.   And it is .  . .

NOT CHUCK!

Of course, considering we ALL saw him end the end of last week’s episode, we already knew that . . .

Wake me when we actually learn something . . .

As luck would have it though, Chuck IS under a sheet at that very moment, just not the one Serena’s peeking under.  Instead, he’s cuddling in bed with a blonde!

“AHHHH!  Oh no!  Not her again!  It’s a nightmare!”

Don’t worry, Chuck, it’s NOT Jenny this time!

“Phew!  Wait . . . who is it then?  Did Blair dye her hair blonde, and not tell me?”

Wrong, again Chuck.  It’s THIS chick . . .

Apparently, Chuck . . . I’m sorry . .  . “Henry Prince” has been shacking up with Eva in Prague, ever since she nursed him back to health from that fatal gunshot wound.  Now, they have relocated to Paris, where Chuck Henry is set to begin work at Eva’s father’s restaurant.  As Chuck Henry heads out into the street, his new trusty cane in hand, he is almost HIT BY A TAXI!

And I bet you will NEVER GUESS who’s in the TAXI?

OMG!  It’s BLAIR!

Our two star-crossed lovebirds lock eyes for one beautiful moment. 

Then, Blair instructs the driver to keep moving, and Chuck Henry limps off dejectedly into the sunset.

” .  . . but now I’m found.”

Following her Morgue Trip, Serena returns to the home she is renting for the summer with Blair, to share with her Bestie all she has learned.  “I was at the Morgue today,” Serena offers, conversationally.

“Is that like a Sex Club?”  Blair inquires, showing us all just how well she knows her blonde friend.

“For me, yes.  But my mom said I couldn’t screw Chuck’s corpse.  She’s such a wet blanket!  It’s a place where they keep dead bodies,” Serena explains.

Serena then explains how Chuck was presumed dead, but is now, apparently, alive and Missing in Action.

“Consider him found,” replies Blair, offering up for discussion her own Bass-sized encounter, from earlier in the day.

Serena is worried about Chuck, and wants Blair to help her locate him.  Serena explains that there was blood on Chuck’s wallet, which may explain why he was limping and using a cane.  Blair, however (who is clearly in DENIAL of her Luuuuuuve), refuses to help find Chuck.  After all, she is about to head off on her boring  magical date with Louis the Royal . . .

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ . . ..

. . . and nothing as insignificant as a ONCE IN A LIFETIME ROMANCE is going to stop her.

Serena quickly (and a little too conveniently) locates Chuck’s and Eva’s new digs, after talking to one of Eva’s relatives.  (Yes, because that’s what my family members do ALL THE TIME:  give my address out to random strangers dressed like Princess Leia.  That’s not risky behavior at all.) 

Serena knocks on the temporary  lovebirds’ door.  Chuck answers.  He then tells Serena that “The man you are looking for is not here,” before SLAMMING THE DOOR IN HER FACE!

Not one to be deterred by rejection (or venereal diseases, or whether the object of her affection is still alive . . . or human), Serena remains outside Chuck’s apartment, like any good stalker would, and waits for him to re-emerge.  Eventually, he does. 

“Awww, man!  You again? Why do they keep sticking me with the blondes, when all I really want is the BRUNETTE!”

“You, should have thought of THAT before you banged the Evil Zombie Raccoon, Bass-tard!”

Serena tries to convince Chuck to come home, where people care about him.  She tells him that he should not hide from who he is.  But HIDE is exactly what Chuck Henry Princetends to do.  In fact, he is scheduled to pick up a fake passport with his new fake (and lame) name that very day.  “There will be NO more Chuck Bass,”  He explains matter-of-factly.

“I was blind . . .”

Once again, Blair is busy preparing for a date with her sweet but dull new Rebound Guy beau, Louis the Royal.  This time, because it is really 1862, he’s invited her out to a BALL. 

Really, Louis?  Isn’t this your third date?  Don’t most guys your age, take their girlfriends out to Mickey D’s for this one, so that they can get laid before SNL starts?  Ummmm . . . Louis, it’s called “trying too hard” . . . and you’re doing it.

Once again, Serena comes by to BEG Blair to convince Chuck to ditch being a “Prince” and return to being his “Bass-tardy” self.  But Blair is not about to let some Evil Queen  . . .

 . . . ruin her fairytale.  She has no interest in speaking to Chuck.

Not wanting to be the Evil Queen (AGAIN), Serena decides to let Blair have her boring fun, and tells her not to worry about Chuck.

However, when Serena receives an envelope containing a deed to Chuck’s Empire hotel, she begins to become even more concerned about his welfare and state of mind.  Serena leaves a phone message with Blair, again begging her to reconsider.

At Harry Winston, Blair, already clad in her evening gown, is picking out jewelry for the Ball, when she comes across a very special ring.

 . . . and wouldn’t you know it, it just so happens to be the ring Chuck bought to propose to Blair — the one that he wouldn’t let go of, even after being held at gunpoint, even after being shot, and nearly bleeding to death!!!!!!  It’s ring that, even though the muggers SHOT Chuck specifically to steal it, was miraculously returned to a Harry Winston store in a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT COUNTRY from where it was initially stolen, completely unscathed.

Clearly, this ring has special powers . . .

One ring to rule them all  . . .

At the same time, Serena magically appears . . .

Ta Da!

 .  . . along with the inspector, who just so happens to be investigating Chuck’s “disappearance.”  As it turns out, the inspector JUST THIS MOMENT discovered that this STOLEN ring, which its thieves apparently tried to exchange for cash, at the SNOOTIEST, MOST EXPENSIVE, OFTEN FREQUENTED BY ROYALTY, jewelry store in Paris, once belonged to Chuck, and, by extension, ALMOST belonged to Blair.

Huh?

“Chuck was shot?”  Blair whispers, her voice breaking as she speaks, not believing the words that are coming out of her mouth.

Not only was Chuck SHOT, he was SHOT clinging tightly to what could have been Blair’s engagement ring.  For Chuck, it was a final act of love, for a women he truly believed would never again love him in return.  

(Now, even a snarky cynic like me, can’t joke about THAT!  That’s the sweetest thing I have EVER heard.)

FINALLY, realizing all that he had sacrificed for her, Blair decides that she HAS to talk to Chuck, and convince him to come back home. If she doesn’t, she will surely spend the rest of her life regretting it.

” . . . but now I see.”

Off Blair rushes to the train station to catch Chuck before he disappears once again . . . this time, quite possibly for good.  The two meet on a train platform overlooking the city.  She is dressed like a Princess; He, like Pauper.  The pair’s eyes meet, and the natural chemistry between them instantly electrifies the whole screen.  Yes, Chuck and Blair fans!  THIS is the moment we’ve been waiting all summer for!

“Just because you are poorly dressed, doesn’t mean you are not Chuck Bass,” offers Blair.  (Leave it to Blair to talk fashion choices at a time like this . . .)

Blair then expresses hurt that Chuck never told her that he had been so badly hurt.  Despite their problems, this was something she felt she would want to know.  Chuck explains that when he woke up in the hospital, and realized that no one knew where he was, he decided that he no longer had to BE a man he now despised . . . Chuck Bass.  Chuck wishes to change, to become a person someone could love. 

“Someone did love you,” replies Blair, causing tears to well up in Chuck’s eyes.

“I destroyed the only thing I ever loved,” Chuck says morosely, leaning toward Blair, yet cautiously keeping his distance, fearing that if he gets any closer, he will completely break down.

Blair then calmly explains to Chuck that she doesn’t love him anymore . . .

 . . . but that it would take more than him to destroy Blair Waldorf. 

(Awww, see!  They both like to talk about themselves in the third person!  Anyone else would find that REALLY ANNOYING!  Clearly, these two are made for one another.)

And, just in case, any of you cynics out there doubted for a SECOND that there was hope for these two crazy kids, yet, Blair confirms it with her final heartfelt statement: “It wouldn’t be My World, without you in it.”

Later, Chuck meets up with Eva, once again. 

She is happy to see him.  Having seen Blair, who she recognized running to the train station the other day, Eva became convinced that Chuck had left Eva to be with her (which he SHOULD have).  Chuck promises Eva that this was not his intention. 

As it turns out, Chuck wants to return to New York.  Once there, he intends to become a better person than he once was.  He would like Eva to come with him.  She inquires whether he has already purchased tickets for them.   “We don’t need tickets,” Chuck explains.  “I’m Chuck Bass.”

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, THE BASS HAS RE-ENTERED THE BUILDING!

Realizing that, like Chuck, SHE was also running away from her problems, by staying in Paris, Blair promptly dumps Louis the Boring Royal . . . but leaves him a smelly high heel to remember her by .  . .

Just like Cinderella . . . only not.

Meanwhile, back in Psycho Stalker Land . . .

Virtual Stranger Juliet offers to be Nate’s “Life Coach,” after learning that Serena sent him a cryptic text message, saying that she, “Needs to talk to [him].”

Nate instantly takes Juliet up on her offer.  Real smart, Nate!  I know I always make it a habit to take life advice from people I know next to nothing about, who, despite having just met me, already have pictures of me plastered all over their bedroom wall . . .

Ummm, how exactly did Brilliant Nate get into Columbia?  And don’t say nepotism, because his Dad just so happens to be a Lowlife Loser White Collar Crook . . .

As Nate’s Life Ruiner Coach, Juliet’s first instruction is that he eliminate all competition for Serena’s heart.

According to Juliet, this can be done by pushing the competition out a 13-story window getting said competition involved with another girl who is NOT Serena.  Juliet mentions Dan’s name.  However, Nate does not consider Dan competition.  (Who would?) 

Nevertheless, Juliet is determined to prove to Nate that Dan IS his competition, and therefore, must be DESTROYED!  So, Juliet and Nate head to Dan’s place.  Once there, Nate casually asks Dan, if he has heard from Serena.  Dan says he hasn’t.   Yet, when Dan leaves the room.  Juliet nabs his cell phone, and, after doing a bit of snooping, promptly shows it to Nate.  It says THIS:

“OMG, NATE,” says Juliet.  “See what this says.  Apparently,  Serena sent a message to Dan about wanting to see HIM TOO!  And even though it says the message is “NEW,” which usually means the person HASN’T READ IT  YET, clearly, Dan has already read it.  He just made it LOOK like it was still not read, to psych you out.  He KNEW you would be checking his text messages, when he left the room.  That sneaky bastard.  Dan is TOTALLY out to steal your girl, Nate.”

Not typically one to “think for himself” (It gives him a headache.), the gorgeous, but mentally “special” Nate reluctantly agrees that Dan is, in fact, probably, trying to steal Serena from him.

“Oh, it’s ON  . . .”

“Like Donkey Kong . . .”

After a few moments of brain-burning THOUGHT, Nate and Juliet come to realize that the only other person, aside from Serena, that would currently be willing to bang Papa Dan, is Vanessa .  . .

So, like any good 13-year old girl, Juliet tells Vanessa that she heard that Nate said . . .  that Dan said .  . . that Dan . . . REALLY wants to bone Vanessa on a regular basis.  Nate, who’s nonexistent short term memory has caused him to forget that HE was once IN LOVE with Vanessa, plays along.  He agrees with Juliet that Vanessa should TOTALLY ride that Humping Humphrey Pony. 

And so, ride it, Vanessa does . . .

The next day, Vanessa tells Dan how happy she is that Juliet passed her a note in gym class that said “Humping Humphrey has the Hots for Venereal Disease-Free Vanessa.”  After all, if not for Juliet and Nate, Dan and Vanessa might not have gotten around to doing the horizontal mambo for a whole TWO MORE EPISODES.  When Dan hears about his alleged “crush,” he makes this face . . .

FINALLY, figuring out that his so-called friend has played him like a fiddle, Dan texts Nate the following:  “I know what you did last summer told Vanessa.”

Nate rushes over to his boyfriend’s house to explain his bad behavior.  But while the two are discussing the REAL reason behind Nate’s underhandedness: Juliet’s Psychosis His and Dan’s mutual feelings for Serena, Vanessa overhears.  Realizing that she will ALWAYS be the boys’ second choice, behind Serena (well . . . maybe THIRD CHOICE . . . behind Serena and Blair . . . or is it fourth choice?  Behind Serena, Blair AND Evil Jenny . . . and what about Georgina . . .)  Vanessa storms out in a huff.

Later, Dan decides that he DOES like Vanessa better than Serena, after all, for now.  (Unlike S, who literally screwed everything that moved this summer, V is most likely VD free.  So, at least, she has THAT going for her.)  So, Dan apologizes to Vanessa, and the two become a couple again for the 865th time since Gossip Girl began.

By the time, Serena finally arrives back in NYC — ready to make her “Big Choice” between Dan and Nate –her two suitors are already otherwise occupied, or so she thinks.  At the apartment, Serena finds Dan clutching Boring Vanessa’s hand, and Nate clutching Crazy Juliet’s hand.  So, it looks like Serena will have to go back to screwing random men on the streets for a while . . .

It wouldn’t be the first time . . . and it probably won’t be the last.

After Serena goes off with her tail between her legs, looking for her next conquest, Nate asks Juliet out for real.  Ummm, Nate, have you ever seen the movie Fatal Attraction?  Because you might want to Netflix it before taking this chicky out . . . just saying.

A photograph of Juliet Sharp in about 20 years . . .

At the conclusion of the episode, we see Juliet staring up at her Wall of Weird . . .

From the Wall, she promptly removes all photos of Nate, Dan and Vanessa.  In fact, she removes EVERY photo from the wall, except for Serena’s mugshot.  On the phone, she tells someone unknown to the viewers:  “I had to improvise a bit.  But it’s done . . . Hang in there.  I miss you.”

Ummmmm . . . OK . . . maybe NATE isn’t the one who has to worry about a Fatal Attraction.  Hide your pet bunny, Serena!

Oh, and did I mention that apparent Blood EXPERT (and possible Vampire) Papa Rufus determined, based on the kid’s blood type, that Baby Milo most likely isn’t Dan’s (which 99.9% of us knew already)?  No?  Well . . . now I have.

XOXO!

(Note:  A number of the screencaps above were provided courtesy of cwtv.com and chuckandblairtheperfectpair.wordpress.com.  Thanks to both sites for the fabulous photo stills.)

[www.juliekushner.com]

What’s become of the broken hearted? – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s Season Premiere “Belles Du Jour”

“They say it’s a broken heart, but I hurt with my whole body.” 

Although the above-referenced statement might sound like a line from a pharmeceutical commercial . . .

Are you depressed?  Lonely?  Not feeling quite like yourself?  If so, you might be suffering from Chuck Bass withdrawal . . .

 . . . it was actually uttered by Blair Waldorf, toward the end of Gossip Girl’s Season 4 premiere, “Belles Du Jour.”  Of course, our favorite Queen B wasn’t the only one feeling that way.  In fact, whether or not they were willing to admit it, each member of “Manhattan’s Elite” was nursing a broken heart of some sort, during this past summer.  And this first episode illustrated to GG fans the highly distinct ways that these characters chose to cope with their unique brands of heartache . . .

The Fountain of Ruthless

Ever wonder what it would be like to swim in a fountain in Paris?  You might want to ask Serena . . .

When the episode opens, we are treated to the oh-so-familar voice of Gossip Girl, as she summarizes the highlights of Blair’s and Serena’s epic summer abroad in Paris. 

Now, I know this is ONLY a TV show, and we are supposed to suspend reality a bit here.  And yet, I can’t help but cry foul.  It’s one thing for Gossip Girl, who was presumably a fellow student at Constance Billard Prep, to follow the goings on of Serena and Blair, during the first two seasons of the show.  By extension, it would be conceivable for Gossip Girl to continue to follow the girls in college, seeing as the entire crew seemed to stay in New York City.  I can even understand how Gossip Girl got scoop on the girls’ previous summers in the Hamptons, since ALL of the Upper East Siders summered there.  But for her to chronicle the girls’ ENTIRE SUMMER IN PARIS?

Are we supposed to believe that this ambitious 19-year old has Frenchies on her payroll too?  Or, perhaps, she flew to Paris, herself.  Ummm . . . you know, we have a word for that here in America, Gossip Girl.  It’s called STALKING.  And it’s ILLEGAL. 

Be afraid for your EX, Mr. Archibald.  VERY afraid!

Oh, and while we’re on the subject, are we supposed to believe that Gossip Girl is intrepid enough (and lame enough) to know exactly where in Paris Blair eats her morning muffins, but has NO CLUE that Chuck was almost SHOT TO DEATH PRAGUE??!! 

Gee, I don’t know the answer to that question . .  . but I CAN tell you that Serena went to the bathroom 8 times yesterday!  Could she be diabetic?

Come on Show Writers, have a little faith in your fans’ intelligence .  . .

But I digress . . . back to Blair and Serena.  Gossip Girl informs us that Serena has screwed the entire West Bank of Paris in a single summer, causing stock prices for all condom manufacturers located there to soar through the roof.  This single-handedly ends the country’s economic recession.

Serena van der Woodsen:  Saving the world, one f*ck at a time!

Meanwhile, BLAIR . . . did some sightseeing and . . . (gasp) ATE CARBS!

It’s OK, Blair.  Five pounds can be easily lost, but an STD is forever . . .

In other words, Blair may have eaten crabs in Paris, but SERENA took them home . . .

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that Blair WASN’T looking for love in Paris, she was just a little pickier about it than Serena.  Specifically, suitors who are neither royalty  . . .

nor Chuck Bass .  . .

. . . need not apply.

One day, Blair is admiring an exquisite Manet at a nearby museum . . .

. . . when she realizes that someone else is admiring her . . .

His name is Louis.  And, to his credit, he does a fairly nice job of feigning sufficient interest in the artwork, to convince Blair that he’s cultured enough to accompany Her Majesty to dinner.  But what REALLY seals the deal for Louis is this . . .

 . . . a chauffeured car and a Royal Family Name Drop. 

(GIF provided by http://ohnotheydidnt.livejournal.com)

In preparation for her Big Night Out, a newly ecstatic Blair commandeers BFF Serena for a shopping excursion, where no credit card is left behind. 

“Blair, Cinderella did NOT Google Prince Charming,” Serena lectures, as our Queen B tries desperately to get additional intel on her would-be suitor.

Cinderella may not have, but that doesn’t mean that WE can’t .  . .

Speaking of Serena, she has some good news of her own.  Turns out, our girl has been accepted into Columbia University, where Blair and Nate will also be matriculating this upcoming fall. 

And yet, Serena is not quite sure how to break this so-called “good” news to Blair, who apparently has final say on all her friends’ continuing education choices.  So, of course, in typical Serena fashion, she says . . . nothing.

“I wanted to tell her!  But my Mom always said that it’s rude to talk with your mouth full.”

Mouth full or not, Blair invites Serena to tag along on her date with Louis, because Louis’ “friend,” Jean Michel, also wants to come along.  All seems well in Blair-land — that is, of course, until Louis shows up, DRIVING HIS OWN CAR .  . .

 . . . and wearing a fashion accessory that makes him most unworthy of receiving the annointed status of Queen B’s Beau  . . .

A Chauffeur’s CAP?  OMG!  The dude might as well have been wearing a KKK hood, as far as Blair is concerned . . .

According to Louis, Jean Michel is the ROYAL, and HE, is nothing more than the lowly driver.

At dinner, Blair tries to be courteous to her “blue collar” date, but ends up doing a really crappy job of it  — responding to an admittedly not-that-funny anecdote about Louis wearing blue jeans to a fancy dinner, by lecturing her guests on the importance of respecting the “Rules of Fashion.”

“That’s right, Louis!  And if you don’t eat every last vegetable on your plate, I will see to it that you are GROUNDED!”

But the poo REALLY hits the fan, when Blair receives a call from her mother, who was apparently, oh-so-excited to learn that Serena would be going to Columbia with Blair, that she had to call her IMMEDIATELY to gossip about it.  Massive international time differences be damned!

 “OH HELL NO!  You mean to tell me THAT DUMB SLUT got into Columbia?  Aren’t there ANY standards in the Ivy Leagues anymore?  I might has well have gone to (gasp) a STATE SCHOOL!”

Now, Blair, despite being, by all other accounts, highly intelligent (and despite having been out of high school for OVER A YEAR) STILL has not disabused herself of the notion that the whole wide world is made up of two classes of people:  the popular clique and BIG FAT LOSERS of Turdville.  Additionally, Blair truly believes that the “popular clique” at Columbia is not big enough for both her and Serena.  So, if Serena matriculates there (without banging the entire rugby team and flunking out her first semester– which, let’s face it, is probably what she’s going to end up doing, anyway), Blair will be banished to Turdville for ALL ETERNITY . . . or at least until college graduation. 

OH THE HORROR!

So, Blair not-so-subtly drags Serena outside and more or less tells her she CANNOT attend Columbia University. 

“Now, look what you’ve done, Serena!  You have made me break out my ANGRY FACE!  Do you have any idea how much BOTOX I’m going to need in the future to repair all the damage you’ve caused?”

When Serena refuses to obey her Bestie’s matriculation wishes, Blair does THIS . . .

 . . . which results in THIS . . .

“I’m MELTING!  I’m MELTING!”

A very WET Serena returns to the restaurant, to find Blair trying to make up lame excuses for her absence to Louis and Jean Michel.  But Jean Michel already LOVES Serena (of course), and immediately escorts her out.   When Louis shows an interest in finishing dinner with Blair (though, honestly, after her rude behavior that night, I’m not quite sure why), Blair quickly suggests they follow Jean Michel instead.  And THAT is when Louis drops the bomb on her.

As it turns out, Louis IS royal, after all! 

He just wanted to test Blair to see if she really liked him for his personality, or just for his esteemed status.  And Blair FAILED the test . . . MISERABLY.

I guess she should have Googled her Prince Charming a bit more thoroughly . . .

That night, as Serena packs to travel home, a guilt-ridden, dumped, tail-between-her legs, Blair apologizes profusely for her bad behavior — chalking it all up to Chuck-induced depression.  Blair even “gallantly” allows Serena to attend HER college.  The “best friends” promptly kiss and makeup.  HOORAY!

Awwww, LOOK!  They’re even in front of a fountain . . . MEMORIES!

 Hit me with a Baby, One More Time!

In other news, Dan is shacking up and playing house with Georgina  . . .

 . . . along with their supposed lovechild, Baby Milo. 

But, as always, Georgina is obviously hiding something.  Repeatedly, during the episode, she gets angry secret phone calls from some harsh-sounding Eastern European dude, who, for some reason, seems OBSESSED with Georgina getting Dan to sign the kid’s birth certificate.  What does this guy have on Georgina?  And why the hell does he care so much about Dan?  (Nobody else does!) 

Perhaps Baby Milo is HIS, and he’s using Dan’s paternity of Milo to get his own Greencard? 

Who knows?  What we do know is that Dan is in some serious Doo Doo!

When Dan starts avoiding his parental units (because, of course, he’s never told them about the baby), Rufus and Lily. . .

 . . .  start to suspect something is up with him.   And so, Dan’s parents send in for reinforcements.  Or, rather, one REALLY ANNOYING reinforcement . . .

Vanessa barges into Dan’s apartment and finds him  .  . . with child.

Meet Milo!  The NOT AT ALL realistic looking spawn of “Dangina”  (Although . . . he DOES seem to have his dad’s chin.)

While Dan is reminiscing with the snoozy girlfriend that almost was, Georgina is busy accidentally / on purpose spilling the beans to Dan’s parents about their new grandchild.  Rufus is skeptical, and rightly so.  His only solace comes from the fact that Dan has not yet signed Milo’s birth certificate.  “Get  . . . a . . . paternity . . . test . . . NOW!”  Rufus demands.

“Fortunately,” Georgina has one right in her purse!  (How VERY convenient!)  When Rufus once again questions the reliability of these results  rightly so), Georgina has them TELEPHONE the doctor for confirmation.  (Riiiiiight, because doctors can NEVER be paid off!) 

Unsurprisingly, the doctor confirms that Dan is, in fact, the Baby Daddy.  So, “New Papa Humphrey,” who has, apparently, never watched an episode of Law and Order before, immediately signs the birth certificate, and returns it to Georgina.  The next day Georgina is GONE, and Dan is left to care for Baby Milo ALONE!

Oh, wait!  That was supposed to be SHOCKING, right?  I’m sorry.  Let’s try that again . . .

Better?

Nate gets a date . .  . (well, actually,  a lot of them — but only one that really matters)

Since the two are attempting to get over EACHOTHER, it makes sense that both Serena and Nate are mending their broken hearts in the exact same way . . . through their pants.

I found these in Nate’s hotel room.  Either that guy is getting laid LOTS, or he’s attempting to open a Victoria’s Secret franchise . . .

Armed with the MIA Chuck’s Little Black Book, Nate has spent his summer boning some of the New York City’s skankiest honeys.  And yet, the fun of it all is starting to wear a little thin.   And, perhaps, THAT is what intrigues him about the seemingly bookish, slightly standoffish, but still ridiculously attractive, Juliet Sharpe . . .

Although initially put off by his man-whoring ways, Juliet appears to recognize in Nate a troubled man with a good soul.  So, eventually, she slips him her digits, and offers him a shoulder (and pair of boobs) to cry on.  Of course, Nate readily accepts the offer.  He’s IS guy, after all!

And yet, at the very end of the episode, we see that Juliet may not be exactly who she seems to be.  For starters, she has THIS over her desk . . .

You mean Juliet is a FANGIRL, who watches GOSSIP GIRL, and loves Chace Crawford?  How very meta!

Actually, it’s not only Nate that’s featured on the wall.  Other cast members Upper East Siders are represented there too . . .

And it’s not just pictures of them.  It’s also notes, magazine clippings, and other assorted intel.  CREEPY!

OK.  So, here are my guesses as to Juliet’s “BIG SECRET.”  (1) Juliet IS, in fact, a stalker / psycho killer, which could make her a lot of fun, and/or unbelievably lame, depending on how well her character is written;

(2)  She’s some undercover CIA or FBI operative, sent to investigate criminal activity within the Archibald Family, or the Bass Family, or the van der Woodsen Family (They each include AT LEAST one criminal, after all).

Yeah, I know.  I know.  This ISN’T Katie Cassidy (the actress who plays Juliet).  It’s actually Heather Locklear, back when she was in her twenties.  But the two kind of look alike, so I thought I might get away with it.  Sorry.

or (3) (and this is my personal favorite)  Juliet Sharpe is GOSSIP GIRL!

“XOXO, Juliet Gossip Girl”

A plot twist like this would be AWESOME!  For one thing, it would serve to FINALLY solve the four-year long mystery of who this Upper East Side stalker biatch actually is. (And DON’T say she’s Kristen Bell, because I’m not just talking about the “voice” of Gossip Girl, and YOU know it!)

“I am NOT a GOSSIP!  I just play one on TV!”

Additionally, since we already KNOW Juliet and Nate will eventually hook up, I think it will be absolutely HILARIOUS to watch Gossip Girl try to repeatedly “blast” news items, in which she is one of the key players.  Here is an example of what such a news blast might look like:

 “Spotted, Nate Archibald doing the horizontal mambo in the backseat of a limo with ME! ME! ME! YAY! WOOHOO! OMG! HE’S SO HOT! random nobody, Juliet Sharpe.”

GG writers, PLEASE make this happen!

Oh, and just in case you were wondering where Chuck Bass was . . .

“Ummmm, YAH!  That’s why we’ve suffered through this whole long recap.  DUH!”

He’s dead!

Just kidding!  He’s PRESUMED dead, but actually alive, having been nursed back to health by some random blonde chicky.

“Who the heck are you?”

“I’m Eva, Chuck!  What’s the matter?  Don’t you read spoilers?”

Apparently, these two were shacked up in Prague throughout Chuck’s (sorry “Henry Prince’s”) recovery.  But, now, they have left Prague . . .

 .  . .   and arrived in (shocker of shockers) PARIS . . .

 . . . temporary home away from home to one, Blair Waldorf.

Golly, GG fans!  Paris is a MIGHTY BIG PLACE!  These two star-crossed lovers couldn’t possibly cross paths there.  Could they? 😉

There you have it folks, our first GG episode of Season 4.  Was it everything you hoped for?  Or were you as peeved by the Extreme Lack of Chuck, as I was?

P.S.  Before I sign off, I would be totally remiss, if I did not take this opportunity, during my first GG post of the new fall season, to thank the lovely folks at Chuck and Blair the Perfect Pair for helping me get my GG fix all summer long.  If you haven’t visited their site yet, please, by all means, drop everything you are doing, and GO NOW!  I am serious!  You will NOT be disappointed!

XOXO

[www.juliekushner.com]

The Vampire Diaries – 10 Ways to Prepare for “The Return” on September 9th

Do you adore this new promotional poster for Season 2 of The Vampire Diaries as much as I do?  If so, you are going to LOVE THIS ONE!

Labor Day Weekend is just days away.  And you all know what that means  . . . summer is almost over.

But it ALSO means that the fall television viewing season is about to begin!  And would anyone like to guess what the FIRST show to RETURN will be?  I’ll give you a hint . . .

It’s The Vampire Diaries!  And it’s coming back to the CW on Thursday, September 9th, which is only ONE WEEK AWAY!

And yet, when hot shirtless vampires are involved, a week can seem like a REALLY LONG TIME!  That is why I have devised this fool proof ten-step plan to get you through the last Salvatore-less week of YOUR LIVES (at least until the next hiatus).  So, without further adieu, here are ten things you can do to tide yourself over, while you are waiting to watch the season premiere of The Vampire Diaries.

1) Rewatch ALL of Season 1!

Not only does today mark the final week before Season 2 of The Vampire Diaries premieres, it also marks the day that the Season 1 DVD was released in stores and online.  What better way to refresh your memory on old TVD episodes than to watch them in the comfort of your OWN home, on your OWN time schedule.  In addition to all 22 original episodes, the DVD also features: deleted scenes from the show, creator and director commentary, a gag reel, a webisode series, and much more!  You can purchase it here.

Low on funds right now, and not quite ready to shell out the “big bucks” for the Season 1 DVD?  Fear not!  You can find a fairly comprehensive (if I do say so myself ;)) recap of the Season 1 Finale, by clicking here. 

2) Watch Season 2 Promos (and then watch them again .  . . and again . . . and again)

In anticipation of the upcoming second season of The Vampire Diaries, the CW has been releasing titillating trailers for the series, throughout the summer.  You can probably find ALL of the trailers, by doing a quick YouTube search under “The Vampire Diaries Season 2 Promo.”  However, I’m going to post the three most popular ones, right here, for you to enjoy.  The first trailer, of course, belongs to my favorite character on the show, DAMON SALVATORE!

Watch him be deliciously DAMON-Y, to the tune of OneRepublic’s “Everybody Loves Me.”

This next trailer was the second one released in the series.  And it definitely wins the award for SEXIEST TRAILER EVER!  The song featured in the trailer is “Cosmic Love” by Florence and the Machine.

But, if I had to choose a favorite trailer, it would have to be the this next one, because IT features BRAND NEW SCENES FROM THE SEASON PREMIERE!

For a more in-depth look at THIS trailer, click here.

3) Rock out to music from the show!

Nothing gets you in the MOOD for a show about sexy vampires, like the music you were listening to when you first met them.  CW shows are known for their amazing soundtracks.  And The Vampire Diaries is no exception.  Featuring a host of songs from  a”Who’s Who in Contemporary Artists” including Katy Perry, The All-American Rejects, Placebo, The Fray, White Lies, OneRepublic, and TONS more, The Vampire Diaries soundtrack has a little something for everybody. 

The official soundtrack for the show is slated to be released in October 2010.  However, you can check out the track listing here.

“But WAIT,” you say.  “How am I supposed to PREPARE for the season premiere by listening to a soundtrack that ISN’T EVEN OUT YET?”

Good point .  . .

Fortunately, I found this AWESOME website that lists EVERY SINGLE SONG featured in The Vampire Diaries (organized by the episodes in which they aired).  This website also offers you links to download the songs (and accompanying music videos) from iTunes and other popular music download sites.  Ready to rock out to some fangy tunes?  Just click here, and get ready to do some serious dancing!

4) Follow the stars and creators of The Vampire Diaries on Twitter.

These days, it seems like EVERYBODY (except me) has a Twitter account.  And the cast and crew of The Vampire Diaries are no exception.  And while I don’t actually “tweet” myself, I still like to visit the Twitter pages of the stars of my favorite shows on a fairly regular basis.  Why?  Not only is it a great way to get to know the real people behind the characters you love, it’s also a FABULOUS way to get the inside scoop on your favorite shows, from the people working on the front lines.  Sometimes, they even post set pictures and script pages there! 

Here are the Twitter pages for MOST of the stars of The Vampire Diaries.  (Paul Wesley doesn’t have one. 😦 )

For Ian Somerhalder (Damon Salvatore)’s Twitter page, click here.

For Nina Dobrev (Elena Gilbert)’s Twitter page, click here.

For Steven R. McQueen (Jeremy Gilbert)’s Twitter page, click here.

For Michael Trevino (Tyler Lockwood)’s Twitter page, click here.

For Candice Accola (Caroline Forbes)’s Twitter page, click here.

For Katerina Graham (Bonnie Bennett)’s Twitter page, click here.

For show creator  / writer Kevin Williamson’s Twitter page, click here.

And for show creator / writer Julie Plec’s Twitter page, click here.

5) Watch cast and crew interviews on YouTube.

If reading a star’s Twitter page helps you get to know what he is like as a person, watching that star interview helps you get to know what he is like as an actor, and how he develops his respective roles.  The cast and crew of The Vampire Diaries interview like CRAZY!  And folks on YouTube POST these interviews online like crazy.  A quick YouTube search of “[insert TVD actor’s name] interview” is sure to find you more content than you could ever watch in a lifetime.

But, just in case you AREN’T a vampire, are NOT immortal, and, therefore, have limited time to watch interviews, I have taken the liberty of posting a few for you here.  For example, here is a fun one featuring Kevin Williamson and Julie Plec discussing how they came about casting Nina Dobrev, as Elena, and Ian Somerhalder, as Damon.  (There is some GREAT audition footage of both actors in here as well).

Here’s a nice interview with Paul Wesley  . . .

 . . . and here’s one with Nina Dobrev . . .

 . . . and here’s one with Ian Somerhalder . . .

But, of course, the ULTIMATE TVD cast interviews would have to come from Comic Con 2010. . .

For THOSE interviews, and more information on THAT event, click here.

6) Watch video of the cast of The Vampire Diaries from BEFORE they were vampires . . .

Believe it or not, Ian, Nina and Paul weren’t ALWAYS on The Vampire Diaries. 

 In fact, they each already had pretty extensive acting resumes, by the time the show aired.  Sometimes, watching stars in some of their earlier work, can be as much fun as looking at your friends’ embarrassing baby pictures.  For this reason, I would like to introduce you to two non-TVD videos for each of the show’s main stars.

Check out Paul Wesley’s brief career as an angel in the short-lived ABC Family series’ Fallen (and watch him converse with a talking dog).

Angelic, Dog Whisperer, Paul Wesley, not your thing?  Perhaps, you’d prefer him evil, shirtless and doing pullups, his guest starring role as the nefarious Lucas on Smallville.

Before Nina Dobrev was Vampire Katherine, or even Elena Gilbert, she starred in a Nickelodeon version of High School Musical, entitled American Mall.

Watch her sing, dance (and act a little) here.

But even before American Mall, Nina got her start as Teen Baby Mama, Mia Jones on Degrassi: The Next Generation.

Watch her cope with a possessed high school pal, in this “very special” Halloween episode of the show.

And then, there’s Ian (sigh)!

Here’s a guy who could make even INCEST sexy.  And he DID, as Boone Carlyle, on Lost.  (OK, Boone and Shannon, weren’t blood-related.  But still!)

OK.  So, most of you probably already knew that Ian Somerhalder played Boone on Lost.  However, many of you may not have known that he also played Hamilton on the ill-fated Dawson’s Creek spinoff, Young Americans — a guy who fell in love with a girl, who he THOUGHT was a guy (even though his character wasn’t supposed to be gay  . . . weird).

7) Ogle Photos and Gifts of Your Favorite TVD stars!

One of the great things about being a television recapper, is that you manage to amass a FABULOUS collection of stills, photographs, and animated GIFS of actors and actresses from your favorite programs.  For your viewing pleasure, here are just a few of my favorite TVD photos and GIFS:

8 ) Get to know the NEW TVD characters (and the actors who play them) BEFORE the season starts.

By now, you are probably pretty familiar with the characters of The Vampire Diaries and the actors who play them.  However, this season, the writers will introduce at least TWO more characters (and actors) into the mix, with whom you might not be so familiar.  The first is, Mason Lockwood, Tyler Lockwood’s uncle, a fellow werewolf, and the black sheep of the Lockwood family.  He will be played by actor, Taylor Kinney.  You can hear what Taylor has to say about his new role, in his interview with TV Guide, here.

Another new character that will be introduced during Season 2 of TVD is Vanessa, a Duke University graduate student, with supernatural origins.  (She’s a “blue devil” — whatever THAT means.)  Vanessa will be played by actress, Courtney Ford. 

A bit more information on Courtney and her character can be found here.

9) Read the novels on which The Vampire Diaries are (loosely) based.

As you may or may not know, the idea for The Vampire Diaries television show was derived from the characters in a series of four books written by author, L.J. Smith — the first of which came out as early as 1991!  Those books were entitled:  The Awakening, The Struggle, The Fury, and Dark Reunion, respectively.  Although you will notice quite a few differences between those books and the CW series (the LEAST of which being that “Book Elena” is a blonde), the former are still interesting and intriguing in their own right, and, therefore, worth a read by TVD fans.

The books are sold in groups of two.  The first two, The Awakening and The Struggle, can be purchased here.

The second two, The Fury and Dark Reunion, can be purchased here.

As a result of the success of The Vampire Diaries series, L.J. Smith decided to add a new trilogy to The Vampire Diaries Series, nearly two decades after the first book was written.  The books in The Return series are entitled Nightfall, Shadow Souls, and Midnight,respectively.  The first two are already available in bookstores and online.  The third is said to be available some time in 2011. 

You can purchase the not particularly popular, Nightfall, here,  and the slightly better reviewed, Shadow Souls, here.

In addition to the aforementioned books, L.J. Smith has recently joined forces with show creators, Kevin Williamson and Julie Plec, to produce a prequel trilogy, based on the SHOW itself.  The first of those three books, which have been collectively entitled Stefan’s Diaries, will be available sometime in November 2010.  Howevver, it is available for preorder (but, so far, only in E-book format) here.

10) Purchase FABULOUS TVD-themed swag online!

Have money burning a hole in your wallet, and nothing to spend it on?  Or, perhaps, you have a birthday coming up in the near future, and could think of nothing you would want more than a little TVD magic to take home with you, and enjoy during the show’s off hours.  Fortunately, the internet is FILLED with fabulous Vampire Diaries -themed swag.  From t-shirts, to calendars, to book marks, to posters, to coasters  – if you can dream it up, it probably exists.  While a quick internet search of “Vampire Diaries Merchandise” is likely to find you more than enough swag from which to choose, I’ve decided to post a few of my favorite TVD items here, just for you.

For example, check out this AWESOME WWDD t-shirt.  (It stands for “What Would Damon Do?” of course!)

You can purchase this lovely article of clothing here.

This funky vintage tee can be found at the WB store website, along with other choice merchandise

.And finally, since you ALREADY count out the days of your life, based on when The Vampire Diaries airs (Don’t deny it!  I know you do!), why not do it with a Vampire Diaries’ CALENDAR!

So, there you have it, 10 ways to pass the time, while waiting for Season 2 of The Vampire Diaries to begin.  Happy fangirling (or fanboying?)!

(As if it bears repeating, The Vampire Diaries’ Season 2 premiere episode, “The Return” airs September 9th at 8 p.m.  However, thanks to this post, we now have plenty of things to do to keep us busy until that time . . .  See you then!)

[www.juliekushner.com]

 

 

The One Where Little J Ruins EVERYTHING (and finally leaves)! – A Recap of the Gossip Girl Season Finale “Last Tango, Then Paris”

“You think YOU’RE the Bad Ass, Georgina?  I destroyed the lives of the Entire Cast of Gossip Girl in a SINGLE HOUR (and possibly killed Chuck Bass).  Top that BIATCH!

I don’t think I have ever wanted to do physical harm to a television character as much as I did to Little Jenny Humphrey, while watching tonight’s Season Finale of Gossip Girl, entitled Last Tango, Then Paris.  Seriously, was there anyone on this show whose life she DIDN’T ruin tonight?  (Well . . . maybe Georgina . . . but she doesn’t really count, does she?) 

So, without further adieu, let’s take a look at HOW Jenny screwed over each of the show’s main characters, and ultimately escaped on her broomstick, with a whirlwind of evil swirling behind her . . .

How Jenny Screwed Over Serena and Dan (and, by extension, Nate and Vanessa, as well as people who hate incest)

When the episode first begins, a needy Jenny is curled up in bed with Nate.  ONCE AGAIN she is wearing that button down shirt that is SUPPOSED to be Nate’s, but it’s so large it could probably fit FIVE Nates and a Chuck in it . . .  Here, I’ll prove it to you.  Check out this screencap of Jenny in that shirt.

I’m sorry . . . It was just too easy.

Anyway, just when the entire fan contingent of Gossip Girl is about to groan “NOT THESE TWO AGAIN,”  in walks Chuck to put us at ease . . .

He explains that he KNOWS Jenny and Nate didn’t do the nasty, because he heard Nate snoring all night, and found a charge on his hotel bill for New Moon on Pay-Per-View.

I imagine we are supposed to presume that Jenny watched this flick on her own, after Nate fell asleep.  And, why not?  After all, our girl Little J OBVIOUSLY identifies with the characters from this Stephenie Meyer tale . . . well, maybe one in particular . . .

Clearly, these two share the same stylist . . .

Anyway, Chuck and Nate throw out some not-so-subtle hints that they want Jenny Bad Weave to . . . LEAVE.  So, back to Brooklyn she heads.  Once she arrives there, she sees this . . .

I just threw up in my mouth a bit, while posting this picture . . .

So, Jenny, being the EVIL TURD she truly is . . .

 . . . decides that, even though Nate has already rejected her about EIGHTY TIMES this season, why not try for EIGHTY ONE?  And because Jenny’s idea of a romantic gesture always seems to land in the “make someone so lonely and miserable that they hate themselves enough to sleep with a slut like me” realm, she decides to snap a picture of the brother /sister sex act and ship it off to Gossip Girl herself. 

After completing the dastardly deed, Little J escapes the apartment, just in time for Serena and Dan to wake up and have one of those awkward and super annoying “Oh it really doesn’t mean anything that we made out.  Let’s not tell anyone.  We’re just friends . . . blah blah blah” babbling conversations that characterized ALL of their dialogue together from SEASON ONE!  (Please don’t put us through this again, Gossip Girl!  I beg you!)

And then it came time for Dan and Serena to receive the Gossip Girl blasts featuring their “bro-sis mance” (grossmance?).  There were two things I LOVED about this scene!  (1) Dan is supposed to be this really smart guy right?  So, why did he not IMMEDIATELY figure out that Jenny had taken the picture of him.  Just how many people HAVE the keys to his Brooklyn apartment, anyway?

“Maybe it was that half-brother they randomly gave me during Season 2?  You know, the one also related to Serena?”

(2) When Dan DOES solve the Mystery of the Phantom Photo Snap, he does so because Jenny has left her disposable cup of coffee on the table . . . and it HAS HER NAME ON IT! 

Why did Jenny feel the need to write her name on this cup, when she was the ONLY ONE getting coffee?  Was she getting drinks for her imaginary friends too, and feared that she would accidentally mix up the lattes? 

Unintentional hilarity aside, seeing as BOTH Serena and Dan were currently involved in other relationships at the time of their . . . whatever the heck it was they actually did . . .  in the words of Ricky Riccardo . . .

“You have some ‘splaining to do!”

Serena confronts Nate and explains that “nothing happened” between her and Dan.  And Nate forgives her . . . RIGHT AWAY.  Their sex must be REALLY good to merit this kind of mindless acceptance on Nate’s part . . . just saying.

(Insert lewd euphemism for sex here)

Later, Nate conveniently overhears Serena and Dan having the EXACT SAME conversation they had at the beginning of the episode (That’s what these two do together, they TALK . . . A LOT!  Serena and Dan talk, about as much as Serena and Nate screw.)  This time, Nate, upon learning that the “nothing” that happened between Serena and Dan actually included a kiss, grows a pair, and actually gets pissed off.  So, what does he do?  He e-mails Vanessa in Haiti to tell her what happened.  And it seems like she’s going to DUMP DAN . . .

 . . . so that he can feel free to pursue Serena . . .

“But wait!”  You say!  “He can’t do that!”  You exclaim!  She’s related to him still dating Nate!  Right, see here’s the thing.  EVEN AFTER Nate found out that Serena played tonsil hockey with Dopey Dan, HE STILL FORGAVE HER!  This guy is a SAINT (or just really likes good sex, whichever you prefer)!  But then, get this, SERENA DUMPS HIM!

Why, you ask?  Would you believe her explanation includes phrases like, “I need to find out who I am,” and “It’s not you, it’s me.”

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m all for having “Single Ladies” on Gossip Girl, but I actually kind of like Serena and Nate together!  They’re sexy!  And I’d certainly rather have them with eachother than with anyone else (cough cough Dan, cough, Jenny, cough, Vanessa).  So, this contrived breakup between them, for seemingly no reason at all, bugged me a bit.  And if the reason was to help Serena couple with Dan, it bothers me even MORE!

Anywhoo . . . on to the REAL JUICY stuff . . .

How Jenny Screwed Over Chuck and Blair (and, by extension, the ENTIRE GG – Watching POPULATION!)

So, if you recall, last week Chuck “Affair to Remember”-ed Blair . . .

  . . . telling her that if she did not meet him at the top of the Empire State Building by 7:01 p.m., he would “close his heart to her forever.”

Now, initially, Blair is determined NOT TO GO!  And to prove it, she drags along wet blanket “Cameron” (I can’t believe this guy made it through THREE episodes already!  All he seems to do is follow Blair around silently, while she bitches people out and moons over Chuck!) . . .

“Yeah, but I just got my SAG card.  Who’s laughing now?”

 . . . and Poor Dorota, who is looking SO INCREDIBLY pregnant they practically have to roll the poor girl out of the limo.   It’s just plain cruel.  (And don’t you love how wet blanket Cameron was 100% OK with having a “chaperone” on his date?  What is with all these boys being such wimps this week?)

While Blair is trying to keep her mind occupied with purportedly “non-Chuck” related things, like telling off Jenny (if only she knew), and telling off Dan, fate seems to keep pulling her in another direction entirely.  Babblepuss Dan starts talking about “signs,” presumably in reference to himself and Serena (ick).   Blair is initially skeptical.  “Signs are for the religious, the stupid and the lower class,” she retorts angrily.

But then she sees this . . .

And suddenly, she knows what she has to do . . . meet THIS GUY!

 Sigh!

(The truly weird thing about this, is that I’m pretty sure Cameron was there THE WHOLE TIME Blair was having her epiphany . . .) 

Just when Blair is about to head off to the Empire State Building and reunite with Chuck . . . of course, Dorota’s water has to go and break.  So, now the crew (Cameron included) are headed to the hospital, instead of to the Empire State Building.  And this is when I start literally SCREAMING at my television.  “TEXT HIM BLAIR!  TELL HIM YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE!  HELLO?  IVY LEAGUE GIRL!  PUT ON YOUR THINKING CAP!” 

But I guess, if she did that, there wouldn’t be much of a story next season, right?

Name: Blair Waldorf; Age: 19; IQ: 155 (98% of episodes); 60 (season finale episodes)

So, Blair heads off to the hospital, to help Dorota deliver her baby.  And it’s Dorota (who, thankfully, is holding on to Blair’s extra IQ points for safe keeping), who tells “Mees Blair” to go meet up with Chuck ASAP.  Blair dashes off, and heads directly to the Empire State Building.

 But when she reaches the top, she’s devastated to find that Chuck has left.  The bouquet of flowers in the trash is a telltale sign to Blair that she has inadvertently broken Chuck’s heart (which could have been avoided, if she JUST texted him!)  We cut back to to the Bass apartment where Chuck is drowning his sorrows in booze, as per usual.  And of course, in comes Evil Jenny, needy and vulnerable, also as per usual, and ready to sink her claws into Chuck. 

Hey Gossip Girl writers!  Remember this?  It’s from the pilot.  You know when Chuck tried to DATE RAPE Jenny?  This is just one of the many reasons, any sort of hookup between them WON’T EVER WORK!

Jennny and Chuck begin knocking back the booze and muttering their respective “woe is me” tales to themselves.  Next thing you know, they are MAKING OUT!

And it is SO not sexy, I can’t even describe it.  Then, we see them in bed together.  And as a consolation prize for taking her V card, Chuck invites Jenny to stay the night.  But just when I was about to start banging my head against the coffee table, in walked Blair, carring the “trashed” flowers, as proof that she had, in fact, been up to the Empire State Building.

Blair FINALLY explains why she was late in arriving at the important destination.  In a sweet, if slightly sappy, scene, Blair admits to Chuck that she loves him, and wants to be with him, regardless of the inherent obstacles in their relationship.  (Jenny, thankfully, slips out the back, unseen.)  Chuck and Blair then embrace.  And if you listened real hard at that moment, you could hear the collective AWWWW heard round the world . . .

But back in HELL, SOMEONE is already plotting their revenge . . .

And despite all my bashing of her, I have to say, when Jenny was crying her heart out to Eric (love him!) because she lost her virginity to Chuck, I couldn’t help but feel just a teensy bit bad for her . . . even though she totally brought it on herself.  Maybe it was because she looked like such a Sad Clown, with those puffy eyes and that mascara running down her face . . .

To Eric’s credit, he DOESN’T tell Dan about Chuck and Jenny, but he DOES tell Dan that Jenny “needs help.”  Although we don’t get to see the exchange, we assume that Jenny admitted her indiscretion to Dan and Dan was MAD!

Meanwhile, Blair and Chuck are walking together, enjoying their re-coupledom, when Chuck pulls THIS out of his pocket . . .

Pretty right?  But am I the only one who thought it would be . . . BIGGER?  After all, this IS Chuck Bass we’re talking about.

“Will you . . .” Chuck begins . . . and then Dan appears out of nowhere and decks him!

And if that wasn’t bad enough, Sad Clown Jenny comes clomping in behind him. 

Blair takes one look at the situation and knows instantly what happened.  Unfortunately, Chuck cannot deny it.  He tries in vain to explain that he thought Blair had dumped him forever, and that’s why he did it.  But Blair doesn’t want to hear it.  And, frankly, as much as I love these two together, I can’t blame her.  She tells Jenny to leave the city or she will make her life miserable.  And Jenny complies!

Little J is purportedly heading down to live with her mother in Connecticut.  And I couldn’t help but think that, if the writers hadn’t made her character so gosh darn unlikeable (not to mention unstylish), this would have been the perfect opportunity to give Jenny that spinoff the show’s producers have always been talking about.  You know, the one based on that OTHER book series, written by the author of Gossip Girl, which just so happens to revolve around the Jenny Humphrey character – It Girl?

I think if they wanted to do it now, and have fans approve, they’d probably have to add an “SH” to the first word in the title . . . and the FCC just wouldn’t be down with that.

On Week Later

With Little J out of the way, the last few moments of the episode provide us with a glimpse of how our favorite Upper East Siders will be spending the summer . . .

Serena and Blair will be jetting off to Paris . . .

Super Sexy Nate ( admittedly, looking a bit less than sexy in his “farmer flannel” shirt from this episode) will be taking Chuck Bass’s place as the Upper East Side’s self-destructive and slutty bad boy, hooking up with random chicks, drinking hard, and not caring about anything or anyone.  Oooh! Mommy like!  I’ve been waiting for a “Nate’s Dark Side” storyline for awhile now . . . and it looks like I am about to get my wish!

Oh,  and Georgina came back . . .and she’s PREGNANT!

(And wearing Jenny’s weave from the looks of it.  I’m REALLY  hoping this isn’t a dye job.  For starters, it’s ugly.  For “finishers,” aren’t pregnant people not supposed to use hair dye?)

Anyway, guess who the dad is . . . Here’s a hint!

Baby’s First Text to Gossip Girl:  “I made a poopy diaper!”

I guess I don’t have to tell you what DAN will be doing this summer . . .

But it wasn’t until the final moments of the episode that the POO really hit the fan!  You see . . . Chuck . . .

 . . . was wandering drunkenly through a “bad” part of town (a.k.a. anything that isn’t the Upper East Side . . . or Upper West Side), when he gets mugged by some thugs.  At first, Chuck plays it smart, not fighting back, allowing them to take his wallet and watch.  But when they take the ring he bought for Blair, he suddenly finds himself overcome with emotion and begins to struggle.  Gun shots ring out, and suddenly the thugs are running away with the ring, while Chuck lies unconscious on the floor, blood seeping from a deep bullet wound in his stomach. 

And despite the fact that I can’t IMAGINE the writers would actually EVER kill off Chuck, unless they wanted the show to die right along with him, it was still an intensely emotional scene.  Well played Westwick!

All in all, it was a pretty exciting finale — a satisfying end to a mixed bag of a season — with much promise of better things to come in Season 4.  Thanks to all of you who have read my recaps, despite their length and high snarkiness quotient.  All joking and character bashing aside, I really do love this show.  I will definitely miss it this summer.  You can bet I will be spending plenty of time over at Chuck and Blair the Perfect Pair getting my GG fix, during those long hiatus months . . .

XOXO!

Teen-y Porn, Pill Poppers, and Excess Parental Baggage – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Lady Vanished”

 

This picture is disturbing on so many levels.  For one thing, the actress on the far left is only 16.  For another, the guy in bed next to her plays her BROTHER.  The photographer really should have thought this one through a bit more . . .

WARNING:  Tonight’s episode of Gossip Girl has been rated . . .

 . . . with heavy emphasis on the “F.”  Viewer (and reader) discretion is advised.

Food, Fake Os, Family and Fun!

“The Lady Vanished” began with Nate and Serena, more or less, doing what they did throughout the entire last episode: screwing eachother’s brains out.  Poor Nate!   Once cast as the show’s leading man, he has, of late, been relegated to the roll of Porno Pizza Delivery Guy. 

“Did someone order extra sausage?”

Since the show has returned from hiatus, all this guy has had the opportunity to do in terms of “acting” is give  smoldering looks to the camera and make mildly suggestive comments, while being ravaged by his current femme fatale, Serena.

Don’t worry, Chace Crawford.  We still think you’re pretty.

I’ve been told that Nate’s and Serena’s food-filled sex romp was a send up to this classic film . . .

 . . . which, I will admit, I never saw, because I was too young when it came out (and, from the looks of it, may still be!)

However, I was shocked to find out that the sexy hunk of man in the above-poster “grew up” to be none other than this guy from The Wrestler . . .

“This should be a lesson to all you kiddies.  DON’T DO DRUGS!”

Aside from being a super sexy scene, it was nice to see one of the Gossip Girls actually eating.  Because, as Blair mentioned during the episode, Serena hasn’t “eaten bread since middle school” or, likely,  anything else, for that matter . . . (well . . . except . . . nevermind.  This blog post has gone far enough into the gutter as it is.)

Serena and Nate are interrupted from their “meal” by the loud sexual moans of Blair Waldorf.  (Seriously, could this episode get any more pornographic?)  Of course, Nate and Serena immediately assume that Blair is having her own “meal” with Chuck.  However, when Chuck phones Nate, requesting that the latter retrieve the former’s cell phone from Blair’s and Chuck’s apartment, without Blair finding out about it, it becomes apparent that Blair is home alone, flying solo . . . WOAH!

“What?  I’m not man enough for you, in my neon orange peacoat?”

As it turns out, Blair is “just reading.”  (Isn’t that what everyone says, when they are caught?)  Her moans were merely intended to make a point about Nate’s and Serena’s inconsiderate “loudness” and sexcapades of recent days past. 

“Glad I got Chuck’s couch scotchguarded,” she remarks.  (I totally forgot N and S did it there last week too!  The writers were loving Leighton Meester, this week.  She got all of the episode’s best lines.)

While Blair confesses to Serena that her and Chuck are “not connecting,” Nate arrives with a lame excuse as to why he suddenly needs Chuck’s cell phone.  “I had to check a tweet,” he offers.

Good ‘ole Gossip Girl.  Always up on what the “cool kids” are doing . . .

Of course, because Blair almost got into Yale, and, therefore, must have an IQ above 20, she doesn’t buy Nate’s Tweety Excuse.  “I so miss dating a horrible liar,” she sighs.

Upon examining the phone, Blair learns that Chuck has been receiving calls from the woman who, last week, claimed not to be, but actually is, his mother.  And he has been ignoring her.  Chuck walks in on this exchange, and explains that he wants nothing to do with Mommy Bass.  Blair surprises us all, by supporting Chuck’s decision.  Serena “Buttinsky” Van Der Woodsen, however, is not as understanding.

Serena arranges a dinner date with Chuck, Blair, Nate and herself, and secretly invites Mommy Bass along for the ride. 

(I did a little research on Laura Harring, the actress who plays Chuck’s mom.  From this, I learned precisely two things: (1) she starred in that bizarre David Lynch movie, Mullholland Drive; (2) when you search for pictures of her on Google Images to include in your blog, more nudie pics appear than clothed ones.  Based on her not-so-hot acting during these past two episodes, I can’t say I am all that surprised.)

Anyway, Chuck approaches Mommy Not-So-Dearest, and hands her a large check in exchange for her leaving his life for good.  She takes the cash.  Later, Chuck admits to Blair that he HAD wanted a relationship with his long-lost mother.  Giving her the check was a test,  and she failed. 

Refusing to accept defeat, Nosy Nellie Serena pays another visit to Mommy Bass.

I just couldn’t resist . . .

You see, this whole “Chuck thing” was about SERENA all along!  Serena is hurt that her dad hasn’t made an effort to meet her, and she’s hoping Mommy Bass can give her some sort of an explanation for his action.  Mommy Bass does provide an explanation, but not exactly the one Serena wants.  As it turns out, it was Chuck’s Mom’s idea for Bart Bass to tell Chuck his mom had died during childbirth.   She was young at the time, and simply didn’t want any part in raising a child.

Horrified, Serena stalks out, immediately leaving a message on her absentee father’s machine, stating that she no longer wants to find him.  However, given that they have already offered the role of Serena’s father to this guy . . .

And the award for Baldwin Brother Who Aged the Best Goes to . . . BILLY!

 . . . I’m assuming Daddy Van Der Woodsen doesn’t regularly check the messages on his cell phone.

At the episode’s conclusion, Mommy Bass decides to stay in town and get to know her son; Chuck makes amends with her;  and they all live happily ever after . . . at least, until next week.

The Runaways

Meanwhile, Little Jenny Humphrey is hiding in her bedroom,  with Poor Man’s Jared Leto Drug Dealing Damien.  The two are messing around amid thousands of pharmaceuticals, while Jenny’s oblivious parents are still moping about the fight they got into last week.

And the Parent of the Year Award goes to . . .

Jenny is understandably a bit miffed when Drug Dealing Damien’s dad calls and he refers to Jenny as “his friend.”  However, she doesn’t have much time to pout about this, because her parents finally wake up from their self-indulgent stupors and realize that Jenny has an older boy in her bed.  Just to prove she’s “bad ass,” Jenny drops a bag of pills on the floor and tells her parents that they are hers.  When her father balks at the discovery, Jenny calls Hypocrite on his Aging Rocker tush.  “I know you didn’t spend all those years on the tour bus, reading,” she remarks.

“I WOULD HAVE . . . I just don’t know how to read . . .”

A surprisingly gallant Damien tries to deflect blame off Jenny, by admitting the pills are his,  and telling Mommy and Daddy Humphrey a sob story about his drug-addicted dad (a story he later told Jenny was true, but I’m not buying it).  However, Daddy Humphrey, a.k.a. Rufus, will not back down.  He uses Jenny’s rebellion as an excuse to escape the swanky Van Der Woodsen residence and return to Brooklyn. 

Although Rufus claims he is doing this for his daughter, I cry bullshit.  I’m pretty sure this has more to do with Mommy Humphrey’s “little white lie” to Rufus last week about her recent dalliance with Serena’s dad.

And yet, it seems that Mommy Humphrey isn’t the only parent getting a little action on the side.  Once Rufus has left the house, Lily learns from the doorman that Daddy Humphrey has been spending time in  Slutty Neighbor’s apartment, and has even left certain items of clothing there.

At the episode’s conclusion, Jenny leaves home and runs off to live with Drug Dealing Damien, who accepts her with open arms.

Shame on you Poor Man’s Jared Leto!   She’s 16!   If you even THOUGHT you would be cast in the remake of  My So Called Life, you could just forget about it now!

Which reminds me, didn’t we do the whole “Runaway Jenny” storyline two seasons ago? 

I guess this works for plotlines too . . .

In other news, these two reunited at a beach-themed party, and decided to make a go of it as a couple . . .

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ . . . .

Ooh, sorry, I must have dozed off for a moment there.

So, there you have it folks, another nearly R-rated Gossip Girl episode in the can.  Until next week . . .

XOXO!