The Not-So-Suite Life – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Panic Roommate”

Chuck:  “It was nice to FINALLY get scenes with you again this week, Blair.  For a while there, I was worried that the writers were AFRAID to have us interact, out of fear of showing the world just how much our CURRENT so-called relationships PALE in comparison to what you and I have together.”

Blair:  “Tell me about it!  You have about as much romantic chemistry with that Raina chick, as I have with Raccoon Zombie, Little J!”

Chuck:  “Good point . . . but what about Dan?  Do you think YOU have romantic chemistry with him?”

Blair:  “Who?”

Chuck:  “Exactly.”

 I like to think of this week’s installment of Gossip Girl as the “Special Guest Episode.”  Now, I’m not saying that the episode was particularly “special” or even all that good, for that matter.  I’m simply referring to the fact that, during this episode, our favorite Upper East Siders spent the majority of the hour interacting with and talking about special guests characters, most of whom we all KNOW won’t be around in about three or four episodes, anyway.  In fact, TWO of these special guest characters “peaced out,” even before the final XOXO . . .

Screw Little J!  If Gossip Girl ever does go off the air, I, personally think THIS guy has the most spinoff potential.  In fact, I can picture the title of his new series now:  “High Times with Drug-Dealing Damien.”  (Zac Efron would co-star, as his younger, straight-edge brother, Troy Bolton Ramien!)

So, what are we waiting for?  Let’s go find out what the characters we do care about are saying about those we don’t.

Good Vibrations (or the lack thereof)

Is it just me, or does EVERY single Chuck / Raina sex scene on Gossip Girl look exactly the same (i.e. dull and colorless)?  In fact, not only do Chuck/Raina sex scenes not titillate me, they actually have the adverse effect of making me incredibly depressed. 

Why?  You ask . . .

Well, you see, everytime I watch Chuck and Raina power through one of their Five-Minute Missionary Position Lunch Break Lays, I can’t help but think of what I could be watching instead . . .

When Chuck and Blair have sex it’s a Contact Sport, one in which the competitors get extra points for creativity.  When Chuck and Raina do it, it’s an item on the To Do List, right underneath “Confirm Client Meeting” and “Make Sure the Maid Washes My Underwear.”

Anywhoo . . . the episode opens with Chuck and Raina doing it zzzzzzzzzzz.  Don’t feel bad if they are boring you, because Chuck’s bored too.  So, bored in fact, that when Raina’s cell phone vibrates, Chuck suggests she bring it into bed with her to up Arousal Factor.  (Note:  If this were Chuck and Blair in bed, they’d be going at it so aggressively, that not only would no one PICK UP the cell phone, it would probably get literally crushed beneath the sheer magnitude of the couple’s grinding backsides love.)

Raina, however, ignores Chuck’s advice, opting to pick up her phone, rather than use it as a Sex Toy.  In hindsight, that was probably a good decision, especially considering that the person calling Raina was HER FATHER . . .

The Awkward Moment when you are using your cell phone as a vibrator, and your DAD’S FACE appears on its screen . . .

Speaking of Chuck and Raina . . .  zzzzzzzzzzzz . . . 

(OK, I’m up!  I’m up!) 

What’s their ship name, anyway?  Ruck?  Chaina?  Is it even worth the effort of making one up?  Do any fans ACTUALLY ship these two as a couple?  I didn’t think so . . .

Always at Daddy’s beck and call, Raina exits the premises, leaving Chuck to nurse THESE . . .

Meanwhile, elsewhere on the Upper East Side . . .

Epperley Needs a Date (Wait . . . who the f*&k is Epperley?)

At W Magazine, Blair is finding herself in a very unique situation, one she has NEVER experienced in all her time on Gossip Girl:  She has to work . . . hard.

“Surely, this is the first sign of Show Cancellation Shark Jumping the Apocalypse!”

As luck would have it, Blair’s new boss, Epperley, is completely stressed out about the Plot Device Party Upcoming W Magazine event, and is working Poor Blair’s little french manicured fingers to the bone, as a result.  This, of course, is completely unacceptable to Blair.  No self-respecting woman should willingly busy herself with menial office tasks (That’s what DOROTA is for!).  In fact, according to Blair, any woman who DOES work hard in a career setting, MUST be hard up for loving! 

Sorry . . . I just couldn’t help myself . . .

Fear not, Upper East Siders.  Blair Waldorf has A PLAN!

Blair and Chuck Put their Heads Together (Unfortunately, no other body parts touch, in the process.)

After work (or before . . . or during . . . Annoying and inconsequential things like TIME, never seem to matter all that much to the ridiculously rich.), Blair (with Epperley in tow) heads over to La Casa de Chuck and Nate to screw Chuck’s brains out request a favor of her soulmate former beau.

Isn’t this picture SO much better, when taken completely out of the lame context of this episode?

The stated reason for the visit is that Blair wants to host the W Magazine function on Chuck’s property.  Of course, we all KNOW that Chuck could have probably agreed to host Blair’s event over the phone, thereby saving her and her boss the commute.  I SMELL A SCHEME!

Of course, we are not at all surprised, when Blair requests that Nate give Epperley a tour of the place, leaving Blair and Chuck alone to screw like bunny rabbits talk. 

As it turns out, both Blair and Chuck have favors to ask one another.  Chuck goes first.  He wants Blair to tell him how he can win Raina’s heart (blech!), so that she can convince her father not to sell Bass Industries out from under him.  (Ummm yeah . . . because asking your EX girlfriend, who you are CLEARLY still in love with, how to seduce your current one is not inappropriate AT ALL!) 

Improprieties aside, Blair actually offers Chuck some pretty helpful advice.  Contrary to what Chuck might think, hours and hours of sex (particularly the boring kind of sex he has with Raina) do not make a woman fall in love with a man.  Rather, Chuck will probably have to find some commonality between him and Raina that he can exploit, in order to make her feel connected to him.

“You mean I actually have to TALK to her?  I’m bored already . . .”

For Blair’s part, she wants Chuck to seduce Epperley, so that she doesn’t make Blair work so hard.  (Ummmm yeah . . . because asking your EX Boyfriend, who you are CLEARLY still in love with to have sex with your boss, so that he can sleep YOUR way to the top, is not inappropriate AT ALL!)  Unfortunately for Blair, Chuck declines her request.  Don’t get him wrong, it’s not that Chuck is AVERSE to having multiple sex partners at one time . . .

. . . it’s just that this whole “talking to Raina” thing is going to be using up all his excess mental energy, not to mention his patience.  So, there is simply not enough Chuck left over for Epperley. 

No bother!  If Blair can’t have Chuck, she’ll take the Next Best Thing . . .

Source

OMG!  It’s Gossip Girl, Season 1, all over again!

So, Blair wants NATE to seduce Epperley now.   But she wants him to be a more “generous” lover with Epperley than he was with HER.  (Who knew Little Nate Archibald was such a glutton in the sack?)  Slutty as he may be, however, Nate is going to need a bit of convincing, before he lets Blair pimp him out. 

And so, when Chuck calls, while Blair is still with Nate, Blair pretends he’s Epperley, and starts talking to “her” about how “she” [Epperley] thinks Nate is a majorly Hot Piece of Ass, who she desperately wants to bone at the W party.

“Epperley” and I can agree on this point.

“You’re overselling.  Wrap it up,” Chuck kindly advices his Lady Love, immediately understanding EXACTLY what she is trying to do.

Then, when Chuck notices Raina and her RIDICULOUS hat looming in the distance,  he starts playing the SAME game — casually telling Blair what a DEEP connection he and Raina share together . . .

“Legend has it, if you look at my hat for too long, you can turn to stone . . .”

Chuck and Raina Play Hotel Hide and Seek

Knowing that Raina’s dad’s company will vote on the buyout of Bass Industries in just a few short hours,  Chuck really turns on the charm.  He takes Raina out to lunch at his hotel, and sweet talks every busboy or waiter that passes him by.  When Raina notes that all this “Kindness for the Poor” stuff Chuck is doing seems like a Big Ole Crock of Sh&t, Chuck starts waxing poetic about his young days growing up on the Disney Show the Suite Life of Zack and Cody and Chuck on hotel property. And, wouldn’t you know it?  RAINA GREW UP in a hotel TOO!

You mean to tell me kids who’s Fathers Own HOTELS spend a lot of time in HOTELS?  I’M SHOCKED!

The two Children of Hotel Barons even shared the same Childhood Hiding Place!  This must be Lame True Love, right?  Recognizing that he has Raina in his clutches, Chuck allows the other shoe to drop, by inviting Raina to attend Blair’s W party event, thereby missing  the vote to take over Bass Industries, which, conveniently enough, must be unanimous in order to pass.  Raina accepts!

“I am SO GOOD!”

And yet, neither Chuck, nor Raina counted on Raina’s Kill Joy Dad crashing the party.  Thorpe quickly informs Raina that the Little Bass-tard knew all about the timing of the vote, and was only using her to save his company.  Raina asks Chuck if this is true.  He admits that it is, but assures her that, in the process of manipulating Raina, he eventually grew to “really care about her” and blah, blah, blah *cough . . . bullsh*t . . . cough*

“Nothing can make me trust you again,” pouts Raina, before stalking off.

“I’m MAD AS HELL.   And I’m not going to take it . . . for the next five minutes, at least!”

Apparently, when Raina said that “nothing” would make her trust Chuck again, she might have been exaggerating just a little bit.  Because all it takes is an itty bitty phone call from Blair telling her how much Chuck REALLY cares about her, for Raina to wind herself right back into Chuck’s bed.  (Wow!  She must REALLY like Boring Missionary Sex!)

Blair to Shark:  “Consider yourself JUMPED.”

Speaking of Meaningless Sex, Blair has finally managed to convince Epperley to attend the W event, so that she can screw Nate there, and, hopefully, start being nicer to Blair, as a result.  On the night of the event, when Nate starts getting cold feet about essentially being Blair’s Man Whore, our Queen B gets a little handsy . . .

Source

Later that night,  W Magazine enters into a bit of a crisis situation (Apparently, it had something to do with gift bags, or something else equally unimportant).  Unfortunately, for Blair, her boss, Epperley, is nowhere to be found.  Nate is there, however . . .

Nate explains to Blair that he struck out in his manwhoring with Epperley, when some dude with a British accent hit on her, causing her to go off with him.  Blair then commandeers Nate to help her fix the Gift Bag Crisis, by threatening him to reveal his favorite musical to everyone, if he doesn’t help.   Apparently, Nate thinks that The Sound of Music is the Bees Knees, because it has “guns and Nazis, and Julie Andrews was hot.”

Who knew?

With the help of the apparently Nazi-loving Nate, Blair does manage to singlehandedly SAVE W Magazine from the horror that is having a party with NO gift bags.  So, when Blair arrives at the office the next morning, she is surprised to learn that Epperley has been in the Editor’s office for OVER AN HOUR.  (“What could they POSSIBLY be talking about?”  She wonders.)

When Epperley emerges from the office, she gives Blair the news.  Apparently, Epperley’s British One-Night Stand ended up being a LONG TIME ex-beau, who wanted to take her to Bali so the pair could do yoga together, or something.  So, Epperley decided to QUIT her much coveted, insanely prestigious, job.

“You are leaving the magazine for ‘Eat, Pray, Love’?”  Blair inquires, confused by Epperley’s plot device change of heart.

As it turns out, not only did Epperley quit the magazine, but she has requested that Blair, an INTERN and COLLEGE SOPHOMORE / FULL TIME STUDENT, who she knew for MAYBE A WEEK, and who, during that time, GOT INTO A WRESTLING MATCH AT A HIGH PROFILE COMPANY EVENT, to be her replacement . . .

“Well . . . on a positive note . . . this will make me feel successful enough in my own right to start dating Chuck again!”

In other news . . .

He’s Baaaaack!

Ugh!  Ben . . . again!  When is this guy going to GO AWAY, already?  Isn’t it bad enough we had to cope with HIS EVIL PSYCHO SISTER for half a season? 

Now, I know Drug Dealing Damien is a “Bad Guy” who “Tried to Date Rape Raccoon Zombie” and “Hurt Eric’s Feelings,” but still . . . was any one else, besides me, actually ROOTING FOR HIM, this week?

Did I mention he’s REALLY hot?

Anyway, as you might recall from last week, Rufus took Serena advice (at the SECRET behest of Lily), and offered Ben the opportunity to live out the remainder of his parole at DAN’S APARTMENT.  He did this, mind you, without asking DAN whether it would be OK. 

“W . . . T . . . F!”

To make matters worse, Ben is an AWFUL ROOMMATE.  For starters, he PUTS THE SALAD BOWLS BACK ON THE WRONG SHELF!  (The horror!)  Ben also constantly eyef*&ks Dan’s ex girlfriend, EATS her out SUSHI with her, and agrees to attend W Magazine events with her . . .

NOT COOL, BRO!

Fortunately for Dan, help is on the way, in the form of Drug Dealing Damien, and Friendless Eric.  Honestly, I had to laugh when Damien started going into that ridiculously fake sob story, about how Ben threatened to tell his parents on him for DEALING DRUGS, and how Damien is SO VERY SCARED of Ben, and Eric ACTUALLY BELIEVED HIM! 

(Seriously, Eric?  Have years and years of being FRIENDS with Raccoon Zombie Little J, a step-sibling to Chuck Bass, and a son to your Lying Manipulative B*tch of a Mother taught you NOTHING?)

“So, I come off as gullible and mentally deficient in this episode.   So, what?  At least they gave me a PLOTLINE, for a change!”

Together, Damien and Eric come to Dan for help with Operation Make Ben Look Crazy so his Parole Officer will Cart him Back to Jail.  At the W party, Damien tries to provoke Ben into a fight, but fails.

Not willing to give up, Damien then has ERIC punch him in the face.  He then has Dan invite Ben’s parole officer to the party, so that the latter can see Damien’s smushed face, and think Ben did it.  (That’s A LOT of trouble to go through for some guy you just “don’t like very much.”  Isn’t it, Damien?)

When Serena arrives at the party, to find Ben being dragged away by his parole officer, she is not a Happy Camper . . .

“I am NOT a Happy Camper.”

Serena does not believe for ONE SECOND that Ben would willingly hurt Drug Dealing Damien at a public event.   And yet, when she confronts Ben about it, he doesn’t deny it, or try to defend himself because he is such a Boring Loser.   Later, Eric tries hitting on his “new friend” Drug Dealing Damien again.  However, this time, the latter admits to, more or less, just using him to get back at Ben, and wants nothing more to do with him.  As a result of this rejection, a heartbroken, and incredibly guilty-feeling, Baby VDW comes clean to Rufus, about what he and Drug Dealing Damien did (with Dan’s help, of course).  Then, Dan and Eric rat Drug Dealing Damien out to his Mommy and Daddy for being a drug dealer, and make him cry . . .

Ultimately, Ben is cleared of all charges.  He is also eventually allowed to move back into Dan’s place . . . and Serena’s pants.

“Welcome Ben, prepare to boldly go where every male (and some inanimate objects) on this show have already been . . .”

And that was “Panic Roommate” in a nutshell, Upper East Siders!   Until next time . . .XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com] [Fangirls Forever]

People Can Surprise You – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Damien Darko”

A WORD OF WARNING, BEFORE WE BEGIN:  I’m a Chair Fan . . . BIG TIME!  Dair Fans, some of this recap might annoy the heck out of you.  Please enter with caution.  And don’t say you weren’t warned . . .

BLAIR:  “Wait a minute!  Why am I FIGHTING with you over a stapler?  I have never stapled anything in my life!  Dorota stapled everything for me from the day I was born until middle school.  After that, my minions took over the job.”

DAN:  “Honestly, I’m not quite sure.  Just like I don’t understand how YOU ended up being the one who ‘worked hard to earn’ this internship, and I got it as a result of my ‘vast connections.’  Not to mention, the silver spoon Lily van der Woodsen has apparently, lodged up my ass, ever since she started boning my father.”

BLAIR:  “Ughhh, does this mean I’m still in that weird Nightmare World, where I suddenly know how to do thinks like ‘wash dishes,’ and rarely ever get to interact with Chuck?

DAN:  “I’m afraid so, Miss Waldorf.   I’m afraid so . . .”

BLAIR:  *closes her eyes and starts clicking her heels together repeatedly*  “There’s no place like home.  There’s no place like home.  There’s no . . .”

Just when you THINK you know a person, he or she can start doing things that are *ahem* COMPLETELY OUT OF CHARACTER.  If there was any theme at all to Gossip Girl’s “Damien Darko” episode, I would say that would be it.  And yet, toward the end of the episode, people returned to acting JUST how you would expect them to act.  Thus, proving that, at the end of even the darkest of tunnels, a bright light will ultimately shine through . . .

“Chuck Bass . . . and no guest.  You may enter my dress.“

Let’s review, shall we?

Blair plays nice(?), while Dan plays . .  . with himself

“Ak . . .  and now I’m sitting on a DIRTY FLOOR .  . . IN MY DESIGNER DRESS?  What the heck is WITH this episode?”

When the episode begins, Blair and her roomie Serena are preparing for the day ahead. 

In a rare turn of events, Serena is extremely chatty about her plans for the upcoming week (i.e. “To give my Ex-Con Teacher Friend an “I’m sorry my family TOTALLY ruined your life, but, as it turns out, you kind of deserved it, because you and your sister are ABSOLUTE NUTBAGS, who almost got me killed” F*&k, by Friday.”).  Blair, on the other hand, is alarmingly secretive about her To Do List. 

(OK, since when has Blair EVER kept quiet about her career, and / or plans for Eventual World Domination?  The only time Blair is supposed to be keeping secrets, is when she’s having Mindblowing Sex with Chuck, and doesn’t want anyone else to know about it . . . because they’d be way too jealous.)

“You know you love us  . . . together.  XOXO!”

And yet, it is absolutely essential for this Bizarro Plot of the Week that positively NO ONE, save Blair herself, know about the internship she supposedly worked so hard to secure, sometime between this week’s episode and last.  “I feel like I’m living with Don Draper,” remarks Serena.

No, Serena.   You WISH you were living with Don Draper.  I hear he “Likey The Blondes,” particularly ones that are young, extremely promiscuous, and have low self-esteem, like yourself.

Blair leaves the apartment, and meets up with her New Movie Buddy Dan, who, apparently, she’s been seeing quite a bit of, since their first Holiday Dalliance, during the mid-season finale.  (Somehow, I find it difficult to imagine Blair enjoying herself in a place where Popcorn and Soda in a Plastic Cup are the choicest items on the menu.)  It seems, based on the pair’s exchange, that these two have had plenty to talk about, during their nights out.  Everything from movies, to books, to art is discussed, analyzed, and promptly disagreed upon, in a matter of two minutes. 

And yet, during all this time, NEITHER Blair, nor Dan, has mentioned where he or she is planning to INTERN.  This is despite the fact that these two are SO scholarly and ambitious, that obtaining said internship SHOULD have been the PRIMARY thing on BOTH of their minds, ever since winter break concluded.  (I mean, it’s not like EITHER of them has been getting laid!)  But hey, Plot Devices . . . they are important, right?  So, Blair and Dan part ways, only to find themselves together again, just moments later, in the Copy Room of W Magazine.

“You want me to WHAT?  Collate?  What the hell is that supposed to mean?  You, over there, in the unfashionable suit, get Dorota on the phone and ask her to tell me what ‘collate’ means?”

Now, I find it a bit hard to believe that Blair — a girl, who just last week, memorized the entire biography of a woman on the Forbes list, and literally made a life-sized CHART of her day-to-day schedule, in order to secure an internship with her — wouldn’t even THINK to inquire as to whether there might be OTHER interns working with her at a company as large as the W Magazine.  In fact, the Blair WE know and love, would have probably collected a full dosseir on EACH of the other interns (Dan included), complete with their Deepest Darkest Secrets, and already begun the process of bringing each and every one of them down.  But, like I said, Plot Devices are important . . .

 “Epperly” Blair’s and Dan’s modelesque, but obviously business-minded, boss informs the group that they are all fighting for the same job — which appears to be an “assistant to the editor’s assistant” — sort of deal.  (Lesson to you future employers out there:  If you want to GUARANTEE a toxic environment within your workplace, THIS is how you do it.)  That being said, I actually saw a lot of promise in this storyline . . . intially. 

I pictured Dan and Blair banding together (They are members of the SAME Scooby Gang after all), to cleverly and hilariously weed out the other interns, only to engage one another in heated battle, during the final moments of the episode.  Unfortunately, that didn’t happen . . .

“W . . . T . . . F!”

I also expected for a place like W Magazine to engage its potential employees in a series of meaningful, Project Runway for Fashion Writers-esque competitions.  This way,  the “competitors” could truly showcase, which of them was the Best of the Best for the position.  What I got instead was Dan and Blair pretty much ignoring the rest of their competition (to their peril, I might add) and engaging in fundamentally idiotic battles over who made the best lattes, and who got to “handle the stapler.”  (Unfortunately, this is NOT a Euphemism for Sexual Activity).

All complaints aside, one part of GG’s take on The Devil Wears Prada 2:  Electric Boogaloo that I did enjoy, was when Blair distracted Dan from one of his menial office tasks, by shouting to him, “Oh, look!  It’s Georgina’s Baby!”

Do you remember that storyline?  Because Dan Humphrey probably wishes that you would forget it.

But when the interns actually are assigned a GENUINELY competitive task:  Who can get the most prestigious guest to attend Gossip Girl’s Fancy Party of the Week W Magazine’s promotional event?   . . .  well, that’s when things get REALLY bizarre.  As Convenient Plot Devices Luck would have it, both Dan and Blair somehow manage to get a hold of one another’s proposed guest lists.  Yet while Blair stupidly politely throws Dan’s list in the trash, determined to play fairly for once, DAN sabotages her, by preventing her prized guest from attending the event.

On the night of the party, Blair finds herself working the door, when, who should enter, but Chuck Bass.  Thus, begins, what, OF COURSE, was my favorite scene of the entire episode . . .

Source

BLAIR:  “Chuck Bass . . . and no guest.   You may enter.”

CHUCK:  Blair Waldorf . . . working the door.

BLAIR:  “I got an internship at W Magazine.”

CHUCK:  “Knowing you, you’ll be Editor and my wife by May.  Your plan is working.

BLAIR:  “So, it seems to be.”

And in that one small scene — surrounded, as it was, by abyss of woeful Chair-lessness – I found HOPE, for the couple I’ve grown to love over four seasons.  Though admittedly short, the interaction was pulsating with chemistry, sexual tension, longing looks, and above all, an unmatched sweetness.  This unique flavor of sweetness is one that Chuck and Blair reserve exclusively for one another.  Though, on occasion, they can be KIND to others (generous, and self-sacrificing even), never are these two driven, extremely serious, individuals EVER “sweet.”  Unless, of course, they are together, sharing a moment like this one.

Watching this scene, I couldn’t help but be reminded of Chuck’s words to Blair, during their painful breakup, back in “The Witches of Bushwick” episode,  “When two people are meant to be together, eventually they will find their way back.”

That, of course, is “The Plan” to which Chuck refers in the scene.  And that plan IS working.  Because as Blair mentioned during “The Witches of Bushwick,” she needs to chart her own path in life, before she can build a true and everlasting future with Chuck.  Succeeding at this internship, is her first step down that Golden Path . . .

So, of course, Dan has to go and screw it up, by sabatoging Blair’s party list, and, thereby, causing THIS to happen . . .

Source

And then this happens to both Dan and Blair . . .

Blair is NOT amused . . .

 (I would like to note, at this point, that I was searching for a picspam on the Dair tumblr page to insert into this recap.  And the mere act of doing so NEARLY gave me a virus.  My computer started doing all these weird scary things, and I had to unplug it quickly, before any more damage can be done.  I suspect this is either the result of Dair fans wanting revenge against me for my undying devotion to Chair, or the universe trying to tell me something . . .)

Anyway . . .

Back at the W offices, Blair and Dan are packing their things, when Blair reveals to Dan just how big of an ass he REALLY is.  As it turns out, Blair’s mom DIDN’T secure Blair this internship, as Dan (and most of us) assumed.  Instead, she stalked the office, like a crazy person, to get the job . . . creepily bombarding every fax machine in the office with her resume.

Then she KILLED the intern who was ACTUALLY supposed to get the position . . . just kidding!

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m loving this “New and Improved” Blair, who’s willing to actually work hard to get what she wants, as opposed to getting there through manipulation and nepotism.   And yet, I find it VERY hard to believe that Eleanor, one of New York’s Premier Designers, couldn’t get Blair an internship at W, by . . . say . . . offering its editor an exclusive peek at her Spring Line.  Nevertheless, I agree with Blair, that, Dan’s career aspirations and talents would be better suited with him working for an enterprise like The New Yorker.  (For the record, Lily got Dan HIS job . . . probably by paying off Epperley, or screwing the director of Human Resources, knowing her.)

“You wanted an internship.  I wanted THIS one,” argues Blair.

Dan then wondered out loud (as most of US wondered) why Blair didn’t sabotage Dan’s efforts to secure a guest for the party.  “Guess I must have an undiagnosed brain injury, because I stupidly thought this fake friendship might be real!”  Blair admits.

“Well, don’t I feel like a Douche!”

Ultimately, Dan redeems himself, by calling Epperley, and admitting that HE was the one who sabatoged Blair’s internship efforts, not the other way around.  He goes one step further, by fibbing that it was BLAIR, and not Dan, who got Dan’s famous guest to arrive at the party.  He even goes as far as to tell his former boss that HE started the knockdown, drag out, fight with Blair, just to make her look bad. 

It WAS a genuinely nice gesture on Dan’s part, I must admit — one that shows that Blair was right.  Her FRIENDSHIP with Dan is a real one.  And yet, I can’t help but notice that, having lost HIS internship already, Dan really had nothing to lose, by calling Epperley, and taking the blame for what had happened at the party.  Now, had only BLAIR been fired, thereby, forcing Dan to GIVE UP the position . . . so that she could have it, in his place . . . THAT would have been a special sacrificial act, indeed. 

(A missed opportunity, Gossip Girl writers!  If you want us Chair Fans to support a Dan and Blair hookup . . . even if it’s only a temporary one, which ultimately ends in a lasting friendship for the pair . . . you are going to have to work WAY harder than that!)

The next morning, Blair is sulking in bed with Serena, when Epperley calls her, to tell her she has her job back.  Blair has 15 minutes to get her butt to the office.  (You can’t get ANYWHERE in 15 minutes, in Manhattan!)  This probably would explain why Blair showed up at work looking like THIS . . .

Looks like SOMEONE raided SERENA’s closet, by accident . . . FISHNET STOCKINGS?  PINK SHORTS?  A GRANNY SWEATER?  SERIOUSLY, B?

In other news . . .

Strange (and boring) bedfellows

Chuck’s been doing the Horizontal Mambo with Raina, in hopes that she will fall so desperately in love with him, that she will convince her father not to buy out Bass Industries.  Riiiiight . . . because THAT always works.  (And by “always,” I mean “never.”)  Chuck, I’m disappointed in you.  Clearly, you need Blair on your side to help you come up with better Diabolical Plans.

Chuck’s eyes are closed, because he’s sleeping through this scene . . . as are most fans.

Chuck’s duller than dishwater scheme hits a bit of a snag, when he learns that Russell Thorpe has hired Nate’s ex-con dad to do his dirty work for him.  So, Chuck stupidly requests that Raina fire him.  Insulted that Chuck would have the GALL to mix business with pleasure (Clearly, this chick has never watched Gossip Girl before.)  Raina kicks Chuck out of her bed . . . for about an hour.  Then she takes him back.  *Yawn*

Speaking of Nate’s Coke addicted loser of a Papa . . . The Captain of Douchebaggery . . .

 . . . he’s positively SHOCKED that his son would even THINK that he, of all people, would sabotage Chuck’s business interests, while working for his corporate enemy.  So, the morally outraged Captain moves out of Nate’s house.  And then . . . wait for it . . . he tells Russell Thorpe that he is willing to sabotage Chuck’s business interests.  SURPRISE!

Eric Finally Gets His Own Plotline!  (YAY!) Too Bad its One That Makes Him Look Like a Gullible Moron (BOO!)

The Awkward Moment when you come home, to find your Ex-Boyfriend and your Mom engaged in an in-depth conversation about your Love Life, or lack thereof . . .

This week, we learn that, even though Eric CLAIMS to have been spending time with his boyfriend, Elliot, they actually broke up weeks ago.  (Way to spill the beans to Mom, LAME-O Ex Beau, Jonathan!)  Instead, Eric has been spending his time filling up on sleeping pills, and hanging out with Drug Dealing Damien — the same guy who (1) almost KILLED Serena, by dealing the drugs Juliet used to knock the poor girl unconscious; AND (2) almost date raped his former bestie, Little J a.k.a. Raccoon Zombie.

He’s still hot though . . . which, come to think of it, may be why Eric likes him so much.

Eric eventually comes clean to his family about what he’s been doing, these past few weeks.  But, alas, Mini van der Woodsen is SO very lonely, that when Drug Dealing Damien calls him, in the last few moments of the episode, with offers to “be his friend,” Eric accepts the invitation without a single moment of questioning or hesitation.  Well, this certainly doesn’t look good . . .

Speaking of Drug Dealing Damien, his Call of Friendship to Eric seems to be in response to a recent threat he received from Ex Con,  Ben (or, as I like to call him, Professor Pedophile) who warned the Triple D to stay away from Serena’s family, even thoughProfessor Pedo claimed earlier in the episode that he had “no romantic feelings for Serena, AT ALL.”

“That’s not really true, Serena.  I dreamed about you in prison . .  .  every single time I dropped the soap.”

Regarding the Happily Now-Of-Age Sort-of / Kind of Couple . . .

Serena is in love AGAIN!  (It must be a Monday!)

It appears that Eric isn’t the only van der Woodsen that’s a Glutton for Punishment.  No matter that Ben had Nate’s dad beat up in prison, and hired his own sister to basically ruin Serena’s life for the entire first half of the season, Serena is positively smitten with Professor Pedo.  And when he tells her that he’s leaving town in a few days to start an Organic Farm in Ithaca (?)  (Oh, Professor, you are SO on the wrong show!), Serena is positively heartbroken.  She’s even more shocked to learn that Professor Pedo isn’t living on his friend’s couch, as he mentioned, but at a Super Seedy Halfway House  . . .

It should, perhaps, be noted that Serena defines a “Super Seedy Halfway House” as anything below 80th street  . . .

At the Gossip Girl Fancy Party of the Week, Serena’s affection for Professor Pedo grows, when he offers some “fatherly” (hint, hint, wink, wink) advice to Eric about staying away from drug dealers like Damien (and ex cons, like himself, and the Captain of Douchebaggery).  Then, Ben actually goes so far as to REJECT Serena’s romantic advances.  This nearly sends the Masochistic, Serial Dumping, S to her knees, with orgasmic pleasure. 

“Yes . . . yes . . . yes!  Reject me!  Say you hate me!  Treat me like crap, and try to have me murdered!  MORE!  MORE!  MORE!”

So, of course, Serena is flabbergasted, though not exactly surprised, to find that Evil Mommy Dearest Lily (who redeemed herself in fans eyes for precisely two seconds, by getting Ben released from jail) had tried, once again, to use her money and influence to keep Professor Pedo out of the van der Woodsen’s lives for good. 

Ben refuses the money, however.  And this prompts Rufus to take him on as a tenant.  Serena is POSITIVELY THRILLED with this new development.  But it just makes me nervous . . . really nervous. 

And that’s all I’ve got on Damien Darko.  But, of course, I’d love to hear YOUR thoughts on the episode!

Until next time . . . XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com]

It’s All “Relative” – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Kids Are Not All Right”

Welcome Back, GGers!  I’ve MISSED you!  Heck, I’ve missed ALL my favorite Upper East Siders!  It’s definitely been a long and dark December, without a hint of gossip, a dollop of scandal, or a heaping helping of Limosine Sex, to keep me warm . . .

And, honestly, I think it’s BECAUSE I missed this show, and these characters, so much, that I had such a great deal of trouble sitting down to write this recap.  You see, I really, REALLY wanted to kick off the second half of the fourth season of Gossip Girl, by writing an energetic, fun, and, above all, extremely positive, recap, of which I could truly be proud.  But then, I watched this episode . . . and . . . well . . .

 . . . Suffice it to say, I had some “less than positive” things to say about it.

OK . . . I know what you’re thinking!  I can practically feel you rolling your eyes at me from your computer screen . . .

Your thinking to yourself, of course SHE didn’t like the episode!  SHE is a crazed, unapologetically biased, Chair Fan.  And “The Kids Are Not All Right,” not only featured virtually NO interaction between Chuck and Blair whatsoever, it also depicted both characters getting “friendly” with other members of the opposite sex, from OTHER “Ships.”

Good point!  But it’s not ALL about that!  REALLY!  I mean, surely, I’ve enjoyed at least SOME GG episodes that didn’t feature solid Chuck and Blair scenes in them. 

I mean . . . I can’t really think of any right now.  But I’m willing to bet they exist! 🙂

In all seriousness, it was the STORYLINES of “The Kids Are Not All Right” that really bugged me:  Another “Battle for Bass Industries” . . . 

 

 . . . another situation, where Blair schemes to get some “prestigious” internship with some fancy One-Week-Wonder Guest Star, only to have it ultimately blow up in her face . . .

 .  .  another storyline where Dan fumbles a “great” opportunity, because he’s too busy following Serena around like a puppy dog to care about his own life . . .  

 . . . another Nate’s Deadbeat Dad storyline . . . COME ON, Gossip Girl!  These aren’t the fun, sexy, and uniquely scandalous storylines that have kept us coming back, week after week, for FOUR YEARS NOW!

That being said . . . I thought a lot about how I could write this recap, and keep it “positive.”  I explored a lot of options.  I even considered MAKING UP STUFF, and pretending that it happened in the episode — thereby, turning this “recap” into what would essentially be a glorified Chair fanfiction . . .

Not that there’s anything wrong with that!

And that’s when it hit me .  . .

I don’t NEED to insert any fake Chair scenes into this episode, because this episode is ALREADY ALL about Chair . . . and (unfortunately, for me, because I’m a Serenate fan) Derena.  Specifically, “The Kids Are All Right” is about how these two seemingly volatile couples are both essentially DESTINED to be the “Endgame” in Gossip Girl world! 

(Suddenly, I’m liking this episode a WHOLE lot better . . .)

Confused?  Allow me to help you examine “The Kids Are Not All Right” from what I’d like to call the “Chair Perspective.”  (Oh, and for those of you who aren’t Chair fans, you may want to skip down to the words THE END at the bottom of this VERY Chair-full recap section.  I don’t want to make you any madder at me, than you probably already are. ;))

The Chair Perspective – Blair’s Path to Greatness

Remember “The Witches of Bushwick” episode?  If so, then you probably recall how Chuck and Blair FINALLY mutually confessed their love for one another, only to break up outside the Empire Hotel, moments later, so that Blair could try and “find herself.”  Here are some of the “highlights” of that heartbreaking scene:

BLAIR:  “I followed my heart all last year, and it got me no where.  Now I need to follow my head . . . I have to be Blair Waldorf, before I can be Chuck Bass’ Girlfriend.

CHUCK:  “I love you.”

BLAIR:  “I love you too . . . I don’t expect you to wait.”

CHUCK: “If two people are meant to be together, eventually they will find their way back.”

A pointless breakup of two soulmates, you say?  ABSOLUTELY!  🙂  And yet, the above scene is very meaningful, in terms of this episode!  You see, Blair always knew she didn’t want to simply follow in her mother’s footsteps, or live off her family’s wealth. 

Blair wants to chart her own path, and be a successful, powerful woman, in her own right.  But, up until this point, she had NO CLUE what that path was!  That’s why she always got her ideas for internships and extracurriculars activity ideas out of Forbes Magazine, as opposed to by picking her own brain.  Yet, this week, with the help of her new buddy, Dan (Yes, I said Dan . . . and “buddy,” of course) as well as the support of her mother, Blair, for lack of a better term, finally figured out what she “wants to be when she grows up.” 

Chair Fans, Blair Waldorf is destined to be the next Anna Wintour!   

She’s the editor of Vogue, in case you were wondering.

And once Blair is confident that she can successfully achieve that goal, she will be ready to begin the lifelong relationship with Chuck that we all know she is destined to have.  In real life, “finding yourself” can take years, maybe even a lifetime!  But in TV land, it takes approximately “four episodes” . . . 

“If two people are meant to be together, they will find their way back [to eachother],” says Chuck Bass. 

And, if my predictions are correct, Blair should be “back” to Chuck in four-to-six episodes . . .  Sound good?

But What About Chuck?

Chuck may not have been as adamant about it as Blair was, but he also needs to find himself, before he can enter into a livelong relationship with Blair.  Unlike his soulmate, who has spent her whole life striving for success, Chuck merely allowed it to be handed to him.  The Chuck Bass we met during Seasons 1 and 2, cared little about academics, and only slightly more about his father’s business and finances.  He was much more interested in booze and sex. 

Chuck inherited Bass Industries.  He never had to work for it.  And in the first few months of his ownership of the company, he squandered his wealth and the company’s good name.  So, his stepmother, Lily had to step in, and take the reigns for him. 

Now Chuck is at risk to lose Bass Industries once again.  And this time, Lily can’t help him.  This time, Chuck must prove to himself, (and to rest of New York City) that HE is not just the slacker son of a Real Estate Magnate, but a force to be reckoned with — an adult, who is capable of running a successful Empire (and Empire Hotel, of course).  Only when Chuck has accomplished this, will he feel truly worthy of Blair, or at least, of the strong powerful business woman that she is destined to become.

This is why this whole (admittedly snoozy) Bass Industries storyline, is essential to the Chair Endgame.  It is forcing Chuck to prove himself, in a professional way, and on his own merits, without his parents, step-parents, or his slimy older brother to lift him up, if he falls.

So what’s the deal with Dair?  (And why are Chuck and Serena getting so pal-y all the sudden?  Because, that’s just creepy!)

Watching Dan interact with Serena this week, proved to me that he and Blair are in effectively the same place, in terms of their respective relationships.  Both Dan and Blair are more studious, and hardworking than their counterparts.  And yet, they also tend to sacrifice more of their own success and happiness for that of their significant others, due to their generally giving (albeit, slightly judgmental) natures.  Blair mentioned in “The Witches of Bushwick” that she followed her heart for a year, and it got her nowhere.  Dan might have said the same thing, if he had more lines, during that episode . . .

No less than THREE times, during this episode, Dan gave up his own plans, and even a JOB INTERVIEW, to cater to Serena’s whim.  And each time, she DITCHED HIS ass!  To echo Blair’s now-iconic words, Dan REALLY needs to become Dan Humphrey, before he can become Serena van der Woodsen’s boyfriend!  And who better to help him chart that path (platonically, I hope!), than the one woman who wants to achieve the exact same thing, for herself?

We know that Dan helped Blair out this week, by letting her know that she was a “Dictator of Taste,” someone who let people know, in no uncertain terms, that “tights are NOT pants” (Nice Season 1 reference, Humphrey!)  This, of course, helped Blair to figure out that she wanted to one day become the Editor (Editrix?) of a Fashion Magazine

But Blair helped Dan too!   She told Serena, that she couldn’t keep stringing her poor dopey dog of a boyfriend on such a short leash, and just expect him to roll over and play dead for her, forever.  And it was this conversation between the two besties, that ultimately allowed Serena to see the sh*tty way she was treating Dan.  Basically, it convinced her to break things off with him now, so the pair could get back together, later.  (Sound familiar?)

In essence, Serena’s breakup with Dan this week, almost perfectly mirrored Chuck’s with Blair, in “The Witches of Bushwick,” in that both pairs needed to find themselves, individually, in the short term, to salvage their relationships, in the long term.  “We either sink or swim.  We won’t get another chance,” Serena tells Dan.  “So, when we try again, we better be ready.”

This brings us to Serena and Chuck.  (YES!  They are related . . . in more ways than one. :))

Like Chuck, Serena has never been exactly what you would call, “ambitious.”  Both Upper East Siders have reputations for being hard partiers, and more than a bit slutty . . . *cough the Raccoon Zombie Sex Incident cough*  Up to this point, both Chuck and Serena have gotten where they are in life, through a mix of good luck, and unadulterated nepotism. 

So, while Chuck needs to break free from Lily, to prove to himself he can run Bass Industries on his own, Serena needs to break free from her mother too, to prove to herself that she’s more than just the van der Woodsen heiress getting wasted on page 6 of the Post, she’s her own Slutty  Person!  So, Chuck and Serena can help one another achieve their goals, in the same way that Dan and Blair can help one another achieve their’s.

And when that’s all said and done (hopefully, in approximately four episodes), . . .

 .  . . everything will be exactly how it’s supposed to be.  (Well, unless you prefer Serena with Nate, like I do.  But we can’t have EVERYTHING we want, can we?)

THE END(GAME)!

And now, for those other storylines I mentioned earlier. . .

Nate’s Dad is The Captain (of a Sinking Ship)

This question is specifically directed to those of you who have spent time in prison.  (Don’t worry, I won’t ask for names!)  Remember when Nate’s dad, “The Captain” looked like THIS?

Well, what the heck HAPPENED to him in the pokey, that he now looks like Uncle Fester, from the Addams Family?

You might have just assumed that the ACTOR (Sam Robards) who plays “The Captain” has merely lost his hair, and put on a few pounds, since we last saw him.  But, really, FOUR YEARS is NOT THAT LONG!  I think the costume department suggested this “new look” for Howard Archibald.  My question is, “Why?” 

I always thought folks in TOUGH High Security Prisons (where “wrongly accused” teachers got other inmates to beat the crap out of you, just to “teach their baby sister a lesson)” did nothing all day, but lift weights, do push ups, run laps around the track, and try not to drop the soap in the communal shower.  But apparently, I was mistaken.  Is prison food really THAT good?  Just saying . . .

So, anyway, The Captain is living with Nate, and has basically become a total leech, and waste of life.  Rather than abide by the conditions of his parole, and get a job, “The Captain” prefers instead to boink the help (who are helpfully clad in French Maid Halloween costumes, just in case we couldn’t figure out what they did for a living), and play Nate’s Wii in his hotel apartment. 

The Captain later tells Nate that this is because he’s “too good” for janitor work.  Nate, understandably doesn’t buy it.

 

And yet, “The Captain” seems to catch a TOTALLY undeserved career break, when the EEEEEVVVILL Russell Thorpe hires him to do . . . well . . .  heck if I KNOW!  Whatever it is, I strongly suspect that “The Captain’s” undoubtedly job description will end up making janitors look like Mother Theresa, by comparison . . .  (I don’t buy for a second, that Russell didn’t know about The Captain’s incarceration, just because he used to live in Chicago, instead of NYC.  Do you?)

Speaking of Bass Industries (and Russell Thorpe) . . .

Upon learning that Lily has designs on selling his company out from under Chuck’s nose, Chuck seeks out the help of a man who used to be business associates with his father, a Chicago Tycoon, named Russell Thorpe.

What Chuck doesn’t know, at least, until the end of the episode, is that Lily was actually selling the business to a benevolent third party, who would keep the Bass name in tact, and prevent the now-financially destitute company from going up on the auction block.  Oh, and that “friend” of Bart Bass, Russell Thorpe?  He actually HATED Chuck’s dad with a passion!  (Who didn’t, right?)  So, of course, upon learning from Chuck that Bass Industries is being sold, Thorpe blocks the sale, so that HE can buy the company at auction price, and sell it for parts, as a form of revenge against the dearly departed (Debarted?) Bart.

How does Chuck respond to this total threat to his financial health, and good name, you ask?  Well, by SCREWING Russell’s daughter, Raina, of course! 

Screwing people, after all, IS what Chuck Bass does best!  (Just ask Blair!)

But Chuck Bass isn’t the only one, who has seemingly misread Lily van der Woodsen’s intentions.   Serena screwed up as well.  With Chuck’s help (and armed with Lily’s Glamour Shots-looking passport) . . .

(Seriously, who’s passport photo actually LOOKS like this?  Mine is so scary looking, it actually breaks MIRRORS, when I leave it to close to them!)

  . . . Serena somehow convinces a clearly BLIND bank manager that she is her 40-something year old mother, and that Chuck is her SON!

Way to keep the storylines plausible, Writers!

This allows Serena and Chuck to go digging through Lily’s safety deposit box at the bank.   And, lo and behold, in there they find the fake affidavit that Lily signed on Serena’s behalf,  to put Juliet’s brother Professor Ben away for a sex act he didn’t commit.  (Actually, Professor Ben may be the ONLY man on the East coast who HASN’T slept with Serena . . .)

Chuck and Serena plan to show this affidavit to the judge who originally signed off on it, and prove to him that it’s a fraud, thereby ensuring Ben’s release.  And yet, the Judge seems to have flown the coop .  . . or has he?  With Little Eric van der Woodsen’s help, Serena learns that the Judge had been staying at the Empire at Lily’s behest, but has now left town.  Could Lily have been paying the judge off, to stay hidden, so that her daughter couldn’t FIND HIM?

THE HORROR!

When Serena confronts Lily with the incriminating affidavit, at the episode’s Fancy Party of the Week, Lily balks at the idea that she has done anything wrong.  And yet the argument, causes a stir among the partygoers, illustrating publicly the unrest that exists between the Bass-van der Woodsen families.  And it is this unrest that Russell Thorpe is ultimately able to capitalize on, when he is making a play for Bass Industries . . .

And yet, as it turns out, Lily ends up not being as BIG of an A**HOLE as we once thought she was!  Because, at the end of the episode, when Serena goes back to the jail to visit Ben, she learns that Judge in question has already released him from jail, thanks to the presumably well-intentioned efforts of Lily, herself.

But, you know, Serena!  This girl is absolutely incapable of ending an episode, without doing something self-destructive and stupid.  And so, she meets up with former-convict Ben (who is creepily waiting for her outside the jail, even though he was released HOURS ago), and invites him for sex coffee.  Need I remind you that this is the same guy who “hired” his baby sister to ruin Serena’s life, not to mention, the same guy who had The Captain ground to a pulp, by his fellow inmates, just to keep that same baby sister in line, when she started to develop a conscience?

Oh, Serena!  You SURE know how to pick ’em! 

Until next time, folks . . . XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com]

Adventures in REALLY Bad Parenting – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Townie”

“OK . . . when MY family looks like the most functional one on the show . . . something is VERY wrong.”

Remember, back in the old days, of television teen dramas, when parents were seen, and not heard?

“Jim, it’s 9:53 p.m.  Time to sit on Brandon’s bed, and teach him the Moral of the Episode.”

I mean, sure.  They had their own lives.  Sometimes, they even had their own usually boring storylines!  But, aside from giving the kids their regularly scheduled groundings, and offering some “sage advice” toward the end of the episode, when it came to teen dramas, TV Parents’ and TV Kids’ lives rarely intertwined. 

Well, boys and girls, those days are over.  It’s 2010 (almost 2011).  And, that means your TV Parents can ruin your lives, just as easily as your ex-boyfriends and frenemies can . . .

Be afraid . . . be very afraid.

Let’s recap, shall we?

A Very Dair Roadtrip

“So, this is what Middle Class Suburbs look like!  I’ve read about them in books, but didn’t believe they actually existed.”

When we last left Blair, she had just found herself an unlikely co-star to act alongside of her in The Rescue Serena Saga, Part 542.  That ally was . . . wait for it . . . Dan.

“Yeah, I’m as confused as you are.”

The first stop on the pair’s Random Couple World Tour was the Ostroff Center, where Serena had voluntarily committed herself for a drug binge she didn’t commit . . . well . . . at least not on purpose.  The two hope to spring Serena from the pokey, so that the three of them can work together to bring Juliet down for drugging “S,” and making her look like the female version of Charlie Sheen . . .

S and CS:  Separated at birth?

Blair and Dan are shocked to learn that Serena isn’t accepting ANY visitors at the center for 72 hours, not even best friends, or sort-of boyfriends (who she feigns deep attraction for, when the script requires it).  And so, our Upper East Side Scooby Gang’s resident Daphne and Velma . . .

Bet you can’t guess which one I think is Velma! 😉

 . . . decide to bring down Juliet, all by their lonesome.  But where can she be? 

In a moment of stupefying plot convenience, Blair and Dan turn directly to THE Gossip Girl for help.  And, because:

 (1) without the Upper East Side Scooby Gang, Gossip Girl wouldn’t have her SAG card;

(2) Gossip Girl hates Juliet as much as the fans do, ever since that biatch hooked up with Dullnessa and the Raccoon Zombie; and

(3) in addition to her vast network of snoopers around NYC, the Hamptons, and Paris, Gossip Girl also, apparently, is friends with some random Mail Guy in suburban Connecticut . . .

 . . . the show’s narrator quickly responds to Dan’s inquiry with Juliet’s current location, as well as a special request: “Find the b*tch!”

No one messes with Veronica Mars Gossip Girl, and lives to tell the tale . . .

So, off Blair and Dan head on their first official roadtrip together.  While en route to Connecticut, the unlikely pair bicker like an old married couple (and I don’t necessarily mean that in a good way) . . .

Sexy!

Blair acts like the quintessential backseat driver, cleverly noting that, if she put her feet through the floor of Dan’s ancient car, and started running, they would arrive at their destination faster than with Dan’s turtle-esque driving . . .

Yabba, Dabba, Don’t!

Dan responds back that at least he knows how to drive, which is more than can be said for Blair.

Why drive yourself, when you can take a limo AND get laid at the same time?

Blair also astutely notes that Lonely Boy — a supposed “Brilliant Writer” — hasn’t exactly been Mr. Prolific Novelist of late, having spent all his spare time pining over Serena and Dullnessa and/or screwing  playing video games with his Ambiguously Gay Duo partner, Nate. 

Even I must admit that the fact that Blair, in her snide way, encourages Dan to nurture his passion for writing (something NOBODY else on this show, not even his parents, has cared enough to do yet), supports their compatibility as friends.  I repeat . . . FRIENDS!  (Can’t anybody have a platonic relationship with someone of the opposite sex on this show, anymore?)

Yeah  . . . you and the Raccoon Zombie don’t really count because she’s not really human.  Sorry, Buddy! 

Drugs = BAD!  Drug Dealing Damien = GOOD!

When Blair and Dan arrive at Juliet’s last known whereabouts, they are SHOCKED to walk into a HOUSE PARTY, where teens wear NON-DESIGNER CLOTHES . . . and listen to NELLY . . . and play POOL . . . and smoke GANJA . . . and drink CHEAP BEER.

SHE HAS A PIERCING!  OH, THE HORROR!

“We’re not in the Upper East Side anymore, Toto.”

 Although Blair and Dan are unable to locate Juliet at the party, they do find someone WAY BETTER (at least, in my opinion).

It’s Drug Dealing Damien!  Or, as I like to call him, Triple D-light!

You might remember Damien from his guest-starring role in The Only Storyline Where Raccoon Zombie was Mildly Likeable and/or Interesting.  Blair and Dan approach Damien, and the threesome decide to take a little stroll outside . . .  (Was I the only one who was kind of hoping they’d all smoke some weed together?  If any two people on this show need to loosen up, its Dan and Blair.)

“I beg to differ, TV Recapper.  Blair can be VERY loose, when she wants to be . . .”

Anyway  . . .

Through Damien (and some very goofy flashbacks) we learn that when Serena left town, after screwing Nate and accidentally sort of killing that Pete Guy, she briefly attended the Nightly School (Now, if that’s not a school name straight out of a porno, I don’t know what is), when Triple D-light was also matriculating there.  Apparently, before Drug Dealing Damien dropped out of school, and became the cool badass Jared Leto-lookalike he is now . . .

 . . . he was a surprisingly geeky Troy Bolton from High School Musical type (a.k.a. Zac Efron) . . .

Seriously, I can’t tell them apart!

 . . . who used to pine over Serena, and do her homework for her, while she drank absinthe, and badly danced around her dorm, like a hippy on LSD, or the lead in a straight-to-video sequel to Moulin Rouge . . .

Unfortunately, I was unable to locate a GIF of Serena dancing like a drugged out dork, from this week’s episode.  So, just imagine her doing exactly what she’s doing in the GIF above . . . only BY HERSELF!

Absinthe:  Making people dance like drugged out dorks, since WAY before anyone from the cast of Gossip Girl was born!

In addition to knowing Serena in her pre – Gossip Girl days, Damien also knew Juliet, who was, as Damien described her, a Townie.  When Damien last saw Juliet, she made a MAJOR drug purchase from him — one which included some hardcore rufies.  Damien seems SHOCKED to learn that Juliet bought the drugs to gaslight, and almost, kill Serena. 

“I thought she was just throwing a party,” exclaims Damien.  (Ummmm . . . a Rufie Party?  Nice try, Damien.) 

If you weren’t so gosh darn attractive, I’d totally hate you, right now. 

Nevertheless, Damien seems genuinely concerned with Serena’s welfare.  In fact, Triple D-light feels guilty enough about his part in what happened to his former luuuuve, that he agrees to help Blair and Dan locate Juliet’s house.  As the threesome pile into Dan’s Clown Car, Juliet spots them, and hides under her steering wheel, like the cowardly b*tch she is.

“Awwww, CRAP!”

Once they are safely out of sight, Juliet calls Jailhouse Ben, and tells him that she plans to return to NYC to “finish this herself.”  Ben, who was the same psychopath who GOT NATE’S DAD BEAT UP IN PRISON, JUST SO JULIET WOULDN”T SLEEP WITH NATE (Seriously, writers, what were you thinking when you wrote that scene?), once again, has a crisis of conscience.  He warns Juliet not to hurt Serena AGAIN.  And then, when his baby sister hangs up on his ass  . . .

“You HUNG UP ON ME, Lil Sis?  Oh, I am so pulling your hair and giving you a wedgie, when I get home!”

 .  . . Ben yells to Nate (who has conveniently entered the jail to see his father, at that EXACT moment) that he has to go protect Serena from Juliet.  Unfortunately, Nate is genetically incapable of doing anything on his own . . .

“Individuality is HARD!  Where’s the other half of my Ambiguously Gay Duo when I need him?”

And, therefore, puts in a call to Dan and Blair, at Juliet’s house . . . so that they can change his diaper do the dirty work for him. 

Meanwhile . . .

The Scooby Gang Makes a Discovery . . .

“Don’t hate me, because I spawned Juliet.  It could have been worse.  I could have spawned Raccoon Zombie.”

“Hey!  I resemble that remark!”

 Moments after Dair and Triple D-light arrive at La Casa de Juliet, Juliet’s mom inexplicably, and conveniently, drops a bombshell on them.  As it turns out, Juliet’s brother Ben, who’s last name is “Donovan” taught at the Nightly School.  Then, he was fired and incarcerated for engaging in sexual relations with a young student named . . . you guessed it . . . Serena van der Woodsen.

DUH! SURPRISE!

I smell a flashback coming on . . .

Serena and Teacher Sitting in a Tree, F-U-C . . . (Well . . . you know the rest.)

The more things change, the more they stay the same.  Apparently, four years ago, Serena was the same slutty, hard-drinking, lousy student that she is today.  And yet, also like today (well, more like yesterday, or last week, or whenever those Professor Hotpants Colin episodes aired) . . .

Just refreshing your memory . . .

 . . . Serena soon found a reason to reform and become a “good girl.”  That reason was that she was Hot for Teacher.  And that teacher was Professor Hotpants Colin Mr. Donovan.  Suddenly, Serena and Ben were spending A LOT of time together, talking about books, and frolicking in the rain.

But things went south fast, when Mr. Donovan and Serena entered a hotel to seek shelter from the rain one night, and Serena propositioned Ben to get a room with her.  Ben, more or less, admitted that he shared Serena’s romantic feelings, but did not want to cross the line with her, due to her student status.  In a chat with her therapist at the Ostroff Center, Serena admits that this was her FIRST (and, possibly, only) romantic rejection EVER.  (Must be nice.)  After the encounter, Mr. Donovan and Serena basically broke contact with one another. 

So, basically, Ben and Serena never SCREWED.  And yet, Ben Donovan ended up in jail . . . with his crazy sister plotting revenge on his behalf.  Why?

Evil has a new name: Mom

Back in the Upper East Side, Juliet has magically beamed herself from Connecticut to New York in a matter of SECONDS!  She’s also instantly appeared in the bedroom of Serena’s high security rehab center.  (Juliet is clearly a vampire, ghost, or an extra from the cast of Star Trek.)  When Serena returns to her room, after her therapy session, and finds Juliet there, I get REALLY excited about the AWESOME Cat Fight, I just KNOW is going to break out. 

Then, I remember this is SERENA, and not Blair . . .

So, of course, nothing fun happens.  Juliet explains to Serena how, four years ago, a lawyer showed Ben an affidavit, supposedly signed by then-minor Serena, stating that Teacher Ben crossed state lines, and “statutorily raped” her. 

Serena’s “family” didn’t want news of the occurrence in the papers, so they struck a deal with Ben’s attorney.  Ben would get minimal jailtime, if he didn’t contest the charge.  He also wouldn’t appear on the Child Sex Offender Registry.  (You’ve got to love Gossip Girl writers, and their COMPLETE lack of knowledge, regarding anything relating the legal system.)  So, now, Ben is in jail for a crime he didn’t commit, and Juliet is out for revenge.  But, who signed Serena’s name on the affidavit, if not Serena, herself?

*Insert scary music here*

By the time Blair, Dan, and Drug Dealing Damien arrive back at the Upper East Side, Serena is home and hanging out, bizarrely enough, with Juliet, who she invites to her mother’s Snooty Party.

Ummmm, Serena.  What the heck is wrong with you?  Have you even watched this past season of Gossip Girl?  Do you have any idea how much crap this evil biatch has done to you?

And yet, Serena is determined to confront her mother, about what she did to Ben, and by extension, to Serena.  So, the crew heads down to the party.  There, they encounter Eric, who hilariously confronts Drug Dealing Damien for the first time since that whole “Make Jenny into a Drug Dealer” Incident.

“Are you looking for another virgin to be your drug mule?”  Eric asks Triple D-light conversationally.

“I was going to say, ‘Why?  Are YOU available?’ but I won’t, because I’m leaving,” snarks Damien, before exiting stage left. 

(Man, I love that guy!)

Serena confronts her mother, and tries to talk to her privately about the Statutory Rape Affidavit.  But Lily blows her off, trying desperately to keep up the appearance that she comes from a loving and happy family.  So, Serena gets her mother’s attention the only way she knows how, by publicly humiliating her. 

Then, the entire Non Judging Breakfast Club (and Juliet and Rufus) confront Lily about what she has done.  B*tchface has NO QUALMS whatsoever about admitting that she brought charges against Ben — based on rumor alone — so that the private schools back in NYC would take pity on Serena, despite her crap grades and generalized sluttiness.

“This is incredibly stressful for me.  I need a drink.  Anyone got some absinthe?”

At this point, everyone is looking at Lily, as though, they want to tie her to a chair and force her to watch weeks and weeks of  Jersey Shore marathons on television.  And yet, Lily finds an unlikely ally in, who else, but THE Chuck Bass . . .

“I RULE!”

Chuck (stupidly) argues that it is TOTALLY OK that Lily sent an innocent man to prison, so her daughter can get into private school, because, “Everyone does things to protect the people they love.”

“Watch Chuck wear protection, while inside the woman he loves.”

But then RUFUS, of all people, pops Chuck’s “I Heart Lily” bubble, by spilling the beans that his Darling Wife plans to sell The Empire Hotel out from right under Chuck’s nose!

This is despite the fact that Chuck DEEDED the Hotel to Lily TEMPORARILY because she was “family,” and he TRUSTED her to manage it, during the short time in which he was unable to do so.  Chuck, of course, is disgusted.  Rufus is disgusted.  Everyone is disgusted.  (That’s a lot of disgust for single scene!)

As for Juliet, she agrees to leave Serena alone, after “S” promises to get her brother out of jail.

SAYONARA, SUCKA!

Cut to . . .

ONE WEEK LATER  .  . .

It is during these last few moments of the episode, when the most shocking events of the hour occur . ..

(1) The Non Judging Breakfast Club COOKS a CHRISTMAS DINNER, WITHOUT MAIDS . . . or DOROTA!

“Prepare for the end.  The apocalypse has clearly arrived.”

(2) To take the Empire back from Lily, Chuck decides to form an alliance with . . . JACK BASS!

“I’m BAAAAACK!”

(By the way, before Chuck left the dinner, he said what, in my opinion, was the funniest line of the ENTIRE episode, “Goodbye Friends . . . and Dan.”)

Apparently, Blair thought it was funny too . . .

(3) Serena visited the Much-Less-Creepy-Than-We-Originally-Thought (except for the whole Getting Nate’s Dad Beat Up Thing) Ben.  She did so by herself, after Dan turned down her roadtrip invitation (which, in and of itself, is kind of shocking, when you think about it).

“Rejected twice in a single episode.  Oh, the humanity!”

(4) Nate made the HUGE mistake of allowing his drug addict felon father move in with him, upon being released from jail.

Yeah, that’s not going to end well . . .

And, finally . . . the most SHOCKING of all . . .

(5) Dan and Blair admit that they have the same taste in DOCUMENTARIES!

They also WASH DISHES . . . BY HAND . . . TOGETHER!

“You’re telling me that Blair knows how to wash dishes?  BULLSH*T!”

Is there nothing sacred in the Upper East Side, anymore?

And, since, there won’t be any new Gossip Girl episodes until January 24th . . .

We feel your pain, Blair!

 . . . and since this episode was all about flashbacks, I invite you to take a trip down Memory Lane — and whet your whistle for next year’s Gossip Girl episodes — by watching this very well-done fan video (created by theunwrittenpast), which features memorable clips from the show’s groundbreaking first season . . .

Until next year . . . xoxo!

[www.juliekushner.com]

“S” is for Sucks to be YOU, Serena – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Gaslit”

Well, Serena.  The bad news is that you’ve been framed from a drug overdose you didn’t cause, and made to look like a Total F*&k Up, in front of all of “Manhattan’s Elite.”  The good news is you look ADORABLE in your News Snapshot.

Those of you who have read my Gossip Girl recaps before, know that I have a HUGE Major Mondo Intense Mildly Annoying  slight bias for the wonderous, made-to-be-together, TV Couple that is CHAIR . . .

Given that bias, you can probably imagine that this GG installment, which was most definitely Chair light, and “Serena and Parents” heavy, does not rank as one of my favorites, for this season.  And yet . . .  there were a few things that definitely endeared this episode to me.  They included:

(1) The Raccoon Zombie’s banishment to a trash can far, far, away (possibly, for good, this time?)

“Not in MY trashcan, B$tch!  You get your own!”

2) Snoozenessa, upon being discovered for the massive FRAUD she is, crying wee, wee, wee, wee, ALL THE WAY BACK TO BROOKLYN, where she belongs . . .

3) Blair’s and Dan’s discovery that Serena is actually NOT quite the Hot Mess that Juliet and the Triumverate of Evil made her out to be.  In fact, by the end of this episode,  MOST of the “Non Judging Breakfast Club” is “non-judging,” once again.  *glares and points accusatorily at a Still VERY Judgy Nate*

“Hey, don’t blame, ME!  I’m still mad about that time Serena almost gave me a venereal disease!  Oh . . . wait .  . . you mean that wasn’t real either?”

4) Despite the show’s writers TRYING desperately to prove otherwise, it is still VERY obvious to most of us fans that Chuck and Blair have NOT, I repeat NOT, lost “That Loving Feeling.”

Dear CB Sex: 

We miss you!  We’ll see you real SOON!

Love,

Chair Fans

 

But enough of that.  Let’s get on with the recap, shall we?

“HELP!  I’ve fallen off the wagon, and I CAN’T GET UP!”

“Ugh!  These sheets are DEFINITELY less than 400-thread count.  WTF!”

 When we last left Poor Serena, she was rufied, tossed in a cab by the EEEVVVIL Psycho Stalker Juliet, and shipped off to a cheap motel in Queens.  It is there that Serena wakes up in the opening scenes of this episode — wasted and reeking of booze, with a stomach filled with pills, and a nose raw from possible inhalation of The White Stuff.  In other words,  she’s going through exactly what I am forced to endure every Sunday morning.  JUST KIDDING! 🙂

Blitzed as she may be, Serena, fortunately, still has enough sense to pick up the phone, and dial 911 for help. 

“I don’t know where I am or how I got here,” Serena cries, her voice hoarse and words slurred from intoxication.

Off camera, Serena’s call is presumably traced by the Good Folks over at 911.  She is then picked up by ambulance, and carted off to a nearby hospital.

 All of this goes down completely unbeknownst to the rest of the GG cast, who are still pissed as hell at Serena for all the crap they THINK she pulled during last week’s episode (i.e. kissing BOTH Dan and Nate, very publicly exposing Chuck’s and Blair’s relationship, applying for a job Blair wanted, and dropping out of Columbia, via text message).  The rest of the Upper East Siders would much prefer to completely forget about Serena, and gorge themselves on turkey, pie, and expensive Thanksgiving wine.

As for Blair, she plans to spend Turkey Day in Paris, with her adorable gay dad, and his adorable gay boyfriend (remember them?). 

Ahh . . . memories.

(By the way, did anyone else ever wonder why Blair spent the WHOLE SUMMER in Paris, and never once mentioned visiting her dad?  Or, did I miss something . . .)

Knowing full well, that Blair’s impromptu vacation was nothing more than Queen B’s way of running away from her Chuck and Serena Problems, Dorota has other plans for her Boss / Surrogate Daughter.

Dorota = TOTAL Chair fan.  No wonder I love her so much!

Appealing to Blair’s sense of decorum and tradition, Dorota bakes a pie for the van der Woodsen’s and subtly suggests that Blair bring it to their home, in lieu of attending their Thanksgiving dinner, as she has every Thanksgiving, since Season 1 of Gossip Girl (at least, I think).  So, of course, when Blair arrives at La Casa de VDW cake in hand, who’s there, but Chuck Bass, himself!

The sexual tension / romantic chemistry between Chuck and Blair is palpable (as always) — so much so, that Chuck gallantly offers to leave La Casa de VDW, so that Blair can pretend to eat turkey in peace.  Blair declines the offer, however, assuring Chuck that it is important that they get used to running into one another now, as it is bound to happen at least once an episode.  (At least, we can HOPE!)

This Barely Concealed Chair Lovefest is interrupted, by the entrance of Mama VDW, who, quite honestly, seems annoyed by the presence of  Serena’s friends in her home.

“Here, I am — one of the richest women in Manhattan, and I don’t have ANY friends my age, aside from Rufus Doofus.  My life officially sucks!  Bring back Billy Baldwin, please.”

Things get increasingly more intense when Blair asks to see Serena, and Lily has no clue where she is (Mother of the Year — that one!).  As it turns out, Lily thought Serena was with with Blair .  . .or Chuck . . . or maybe the Dalai Lama, who can keep track, anymore?  Now that she knows her daughter is not with any of the aforementioned people, Lily FINALLY starts to worry about her daughter’s safety. 

Cue the phone call to the VDW household, announcing that Serena is in the hospital, suffering from a possible drug overdose.  Calls are made to the entire GG cast (except for Nate, who, unfortunately, got stuck with the Bad B Plotline, this week).  Everyone else rushes to the hospital to be with Serena.

“They tried to make me go to Rehab, and I said, NO!  NO!  NO!”

At the hospital, the doctor informs the VDW clan that Serena’s condition is stable.  However, she was on some serious anti-depressants when she came to the hospital, and may very well have tried to commit suicide.  Conveniently, at that very moment, Breaking News on the television screen above the cast’s heads announces Serena’s “Tragic OD”  to THE WORLD.  Knowing that the family can’t stay at the hospital, or go home, without being hounded by the media, the doctor “kindly” suggests having Serena involuntarily admitted to the same Rehab Center where little Eric got un-suicidal himself, during Season 1.

“You mean, back when I had an actual plotline to MYSELF?  Ahhh . .  . memories!”

Quick to think the worst of Serena, most of the family is totally on board with having Serena committed, except for Dan who still luuuuuuuuuuuuves her, even after she purportedly screwed him over, by macking on his studmuffin Nate, at the Saint’s and Sinner’s Ball, last week.

“Hey.  I’ve heard about those rehab places.  There are NO CONJUGAL VISITS!  If Serena gets admitted there, I’ll NEVER get laid!  EVER!  Except, maybe by Vanessa.  But we all know she doesn’t count.“

And yet, despite Dan’s protests, a very pissed off Serena is admitted into rehab against her will.  So, Unlikely Superhero Dan comes to Serena’s rescue, by helping her make a JAILBREAK!

The only problem is that Dan is not smart enough to come up with a good hiding place for Serena.  So, of course, he takes her to the FIRST place everyone will think to look for them — HIS APARTMENT.  *facepalm*  Granted, Dan claimed they were “just packing for a vacation there,” but, seriously, THESE TWO ARE RICH!  It’s not like Good Ole’ “Bonnie and Clyde” here couldn’t afford to stop at the mall, en route, and pick up clothes there!

Fortunately, for Dan, Serena’s not quite bright enough to see this for the DUMB idea it is.  So, she awards Dan for his bravery, with a quick smooch . . .

She also admits to Not-So-LonelyBoy, that he was, in fact, the one Serena was GOING to choose to be with at the Saints and Sinner’s ball (NOT NATE?), had the Triumverate of Evil not gone and royally f*cked things up.

Meanwhile . . .

Rats and Raccoon Zombies Invade Manhattan –  Pest Control is on standby!

When Rufus Doofus calls his Rodent Daughter to inform her of Serena’s hospitalization, the wench FINALLY sprouts a conscience.  So, Little J immediatley heads back to the city, to tell Juliet that the Triumverate of Evil MUST come clean about their recent dastardly deeds.  Juliet balks at the idea, arguing that Serena might actually REALLY NEED REHAB.   So, why put a stop to a good thing?  The same lame excuse is trotted out to Vanessa, when she confronts Juliet about what happened to Serena.

By the time Jenny arrives at the hospital, Vanessa has already ratted HER, and HER ALONE, out to Rufus the Doofus, conveniently leaving her own part in the revenge plot out of the tale, as well as Juliet’s.  And, while it is always great to see Jenny get chewed out by her dad, of course, this particular chewing out INTERRUPTED Chuck’s and Blair’s sweet moment together at the hospital, and, therefore, ROYALLY SUCKED!

It’s ALWAYS Jenny’s FAULT!  Damn Raccoon Zombie!

Blair was just about to tell Chuck how great it was to have his support during all this Serena Drama, and how, maybe, nothing needs to change between them after all . . .  More Sex, More Sex, More Sex! . . . when The Pestilence arrives and RUINS EVERYTHING!

Outside the hospital, Rufus chews out Jenny for being such a Freakish Brat.  Little J then tearfully promises to leave Manhattan for the 85,000th time.  (She just seems to keep returning . . . like weeds, or roaches, or a bad rash . . .)  However, for now at least, Jenny really does plan to leave the City for good.  She just has to make one quick pitstop first . . .

Back at Dan’s Place . . .

Puff the Magic Dragon, lived up Serena’s nose

Due to their Lame Hiding Spot, Ma and Pa VDW-Humphrey, along with Blair, find the “happy couple” at Dan’s apartment, before Dan even has time to cop a feel at Serena’s boobies.  While Dan (rightfully) calls Lily out on what a crap mother she has been to Serena, all these years (Did I forget to mention that Lily is paying off Serena’s enemy, Juliet, MONTHLY to keep her quiet about Serena’s supposed past?) Blair goes to talk to the Hot Mess herself, and try to convince her to go back to rehab.

At that moment, a GG blast conveniently produces obviously doctored pictures of a masked Serena-looking person snorting enough White Stuff to build a snowman in her nostrils.   This was actually a pretty brilliant move on EEEEVILL Juliet’s part.  Because, now Serena (LIKE EVERYONE ELSE EXCEPT DAN), becomes convinced that she’s actually a drug addict!  And, so, back to Rehab the VDWa go, to celebrate a Very Van Der Woodsen Thanksgiving  together . . . along with the rest of the obscenely wealthy alcoholics and drug addicts . . .

Speaking of cokeheads . . .

Nate’s Mom and Dad are . .  .zzzzzzzzz

Nate is hanging out with his Secret Lover Dan, when he learns, thanks to some mis-delivered legal documents, that his mother has randomly decided to divorce his coked up, embezzler father, who’s still in jail.  Nate, who’s naive enough to think his dad is reformed, convinces his mother that Daddy-O has CHANGED.  He’s a GOOD PERSON NOW.  So, she should stay married to him!  (How many times have we heard THAT ONE before?) 

Nate’s overly botoxed Mama, is incapable of making any other expression, aside from “mildly surprised,” when she hears this.  Realizing that her inability to smile or open her mouth particularly wide, will make it difficult for her to land a new Meal Ticket Husband, Mama Archibald decides to give Papa Archibald another chance. 

So, Mother and Son visit Papa in jail, and quickly decide to give him another chance.  Then, of course, as Nate is leaving the jail, he learns that his Daddy is up for parole.  In other words, this whole “Papa’s Reformed Thing” is probably a Big Ole Crock a Sh*t.  Now, Daddy-O seems a whole lot less concerned with “changing for the better,” and more concerned with “putting on a good face for the Parole Board,” so he can earn his “Get Out of Jail Free Card.”

  Go figure . . .

Also visiting jail on Turkey Day . . .

Juliet Proves Herself to Be Even Crazier Than Her Jailbird Brother!

While Nate is chatting up his Pops, Juliet shows up at jail, clad in an outfit so WHOLLY INAPPROPRIATE for the occasion, that I’m half convinced she’s been arrested for prostitution.

Unfortunately, she’s just there to visit Crazy Brother Ben . . . again.  When Juliet tells her Looney Tunes Brother how she made all of Serena’s friends hate her, and got her, more or less, kicked out of Columbia, the guy is absolutely thrilled!

However, when Ben finds out that Juliet had Serena drugged, he’s morally APPALLED!  This . . . coming from the same guy who had Nate’s dad beat up, convinced Juliet to try to get their own cousin fired from Columbia on sexual abuse charges, and was willing to ruin the lives of the ENTIRE GG cast, just to get to Serena.  Oh yeah . . . these two (Ben and Serena) DEFINITELY did the nasty together, at some point!  There’s no other possible explanation for this sudden moral outrage, on Ben’s part. 

Juliet agrees with me, and starts calling Crazy Brother Ben out on his hypocrisy, reminding him all that she has given up on his behalf.  Juliet then skips town, cleaning out her fleabag apartment, in a flash.  By the time Jenny arrives to confront Juliet at her place, all that is left is that darn party mask, from the Saint’s and Sinner’s Ball. 

(I find it VERY hard to believe that someone as savvy as Juliet, would be dumb enough to leave such an obvious clue of her wrongdoing behind.)

“We’ll always have pie!”

Riding home from the whole Serena Ordeal in a limo with Chuck  (YAY LIMO – SEX, SEX, SEX!), Blair admits to how comfortable being with him makes her.  She is so comfortable, in fact, that she is beginning to regret breaking up with him in the first place.  As Blair admits this to Chuck, she sweetly clasps his hand.

But then Chuck tells Blair that she was RIGHT to break up with him.  He LETS GO OF HER HAND!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

“I can’t be your friend right now.  I wish I could,” says Chuck, sadly.

“I know, and I’m sorry,” Blair offers.

“I’m not.  Because I got to spend more time with you today,” admits Chuck.

Back at home, Blair encounters Jenny, who promptly comes clean to her about the whole Triumverate of Evil, Serena Revenge Plot thing.  And I’ll be darned if the two don’t share an oddly sweet moment together!  When Blair asks for Jenny’s help in bringing down Juliet, Jenny declines, assuring Blair that the Queen B was right in banishing her from Manhattan, in the first place!

Blair even seems to suggest that she will miss Jenny, when she’s gone!

That makes one of us!

When Jenny leaves, Blair immediately picks up her cell phone.  She is about to dial Chuck, her go-to lover partner-in-crime, when it comes to getting revenge on Bottle Blondes.  However, Blair ultimately decides against making that call.  She does, however, send Chuck some pie. ( And We all know how much CHUCK LOVES BLAIR’S PIE!).  The pie for Chuck comes with a little note:  “Just because we couldn’t be friends, doesn’t mean we aren’t – B.”

Chuck smiles at the note, and so do we, knowing full well, that it will NEVER truly be over between, Soul Mates, Chuck and Blair.  So, take that, haters! (Just kidding, I love you all!)  🙂

Meanwhile, Jenny texts Vanessa about having come clean to Blair about the Revenge Plot from Hell.  A VERY SCARED Vanessa immediately pees her pants at the thought of Blair’s Inevitable Wrath.  V-card then ends up escaping to Brooklyn, like the Big Weeny she is!

*Sings* Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, hey, hey, hey, GOODBYE!

At the end of the episode,  Blair seeks out a new partner-in-crime for her Get Revenge Against Juliet for Serena plot . . . DAN?

“Don’t worry.  I’m just as confused by it as you are.”

Based on the promos we were treated to at the end of this episode, next week’s GG installment promises more fun plotting and scheming from the Non-Judging Breakfast Club, as well as the return of one of my FAVORITE GG guest stars of yesteryear . . . DRUG DEALING DAMIEN!

Can I get a “HELL YEAH?”

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com]

Serena Gets Screwed (But not in the way you might think.) – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Witches of Bushwick”

“Now, who’s the Craziest B*tch of Them All?  That Evil Raccoon Zombie’s got NOTHING ON ME!”

Well, that Juliet Sharp ended up being a Real Wackadoo, didn’t she?  Page Six scandals, phony makeout sessions, best friend frame-ups, and ill-timed text messages . . . those are all things that come with the territory, when you live on the Upper East Side.  Heck, that’s just another Day at the Office, for these folks!

  But DRUGGING and KIDNAPPING SOMEONE?  Now, that’s just EFFIN CRAZY!   That’s the stuff Lifetime movies are made of (or The Roommate, starring Leighton Meester).

That’s right, Serena.  The Triumverate of Evil is COMING.  And you can run, but you CAN’T HIDE!

While Serena tries to make her escape, perhaps, we should get started on the recap . . .

Serena’s Love Life = Ridiculously Complex Mathematical Equation

“Math is hard . . . but I am easy.“

When the episode opens, we find Eric I-Never-Have-Any-Worthwhile-Storylines-and-am-Therefore Forced-to-do-Lame-Things-Like-Graphing-My-Sister’s-Lovelife van der Woodsen and his boyfriend doing precisely what you would expect any hot young gay couple to do, when they have a Big Mansion to themselves . . . drawing Venn Diagrams?

“Are you KIDDING ME with this?  This is what I’ve been reduced to?  Have you forgotten that I was once in a movie with ANGE-FRIGGIN-LINA JOLIE?”

“Yeah . . . I thought so . . .”

So, anyway, the boys are hoping that this little visual aid will help Serena choose a MAN.  Now, unfortunately, the GG producers didn’t really show us too much of the Diagram.  And yet, I’m willing to bet it looked something like this . . .

Now, before you start getting all mad at me, please realize that I am fully aware that not all of the people listed here were actually on the show.  I improvised a bit . . .

Speaking of visual aids, Lily comes home with another one.  SURPRISE, SURPRISE!  “Someone” has leaked the news of Serena’ little relationship with Professor Hotpants Colin to the media, and it somehow landed on Page Six.  (Talk about a slow news day!  Page Six clearly isn’t what it used to be!)

I’m simply posting this picture here, because I fear I will not have an excuse to use it again on this blog.  *Sigh*

To make matters worse, Dean I-Keep-Tabs-on-All-My-Students’-Sex-Lives-and-Repeatedly-Threaten-to-Expel-Them-for-Completely-Nonsensical-Reasons Reuther would like to talk with Lily and Serena about this most recent development.  Apparently, Dean Reuther is absolutely APPALLED by the notion that one of her students would have the nerve to *gasp* publicly makeout with a guy who taught class at Columbia for a few days.

The HORROR!

To further complicate matters, the Paparazzi have quickly grown tired of tracking the drunken escapades of Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan, and would much rather stalk the Columbia campus, in hopes of finding one of its students FRENCH KISSING.  Unnerved by the “terrible press,” which will SURELY topple Columbia’s chances of besting Stanford in the U.S. News and World Report Rankings this year, the Dean not-so-subtly suggests that Serena withdraw from school.

But fear not, kiddies!  Mama Lily has come to the RESCUE!

Initially, Lily attempts to solve the Serena’s “The Dean Hates Her” Conundrum, by doing what she does best: throwing money at the problem.  “I’d be willing to give you an endowment, that could perhaps be used to build a moat around your school, to keep out those pesky papparazzi.”

“Golly, Gee, Serena’s Mom!  That’s a marvelous idea!  Can we throw in a Fire Breathing Dragon too?”  Dean Reuther inquires.

But alas, the “super moral” Dean Reuther cannot be bought.   She CAN, however, be blackmailed.  Lily wises implies that should Dean Reuther force Serena to withdraw from Columbia, Lily will publicly expose the “sexual harassment”  and “gender discrimination,” her daughter suffered at the hands of the school and its faculty.

Of course, the Dean has NOTHING to say, in response to that.  Well, played Mrs. van der Woodsen-Bass-Humphrey and, however, many other friggin last names you have!  Thanks to you, Serena will be able to stay at Columbia . . . at least, for the next 35 minutes or so.

3 Words, 8 Letters =Pure HEAVEN for Chair Fans!

This scene renders me SPEECHLESS.  Fortunately, however, it has the OPPOSITE effect on Chuck Bass . . .

Yes, boys and girls!  Chuck and Blair spend yet another episode wrapped in one another’s arms for almost the ENTIRE HOUR!  And I for one, couldn’t be happier, well . . . except for that scene at the end  . . .

When the episode opens, Chuck and Blair have finished another raucous session of LOOOOOOVE MAKING. 

Based on their post-coital discussion, we learn that Chuck is ONCE AGAIN interested in rehashing his fallback plotline of “The Empire Hotel Strikes Back.”  Meanwhile, Blair is repeating her fallback plotline of “I must sacrifice my values and happiness to join some lame organization that I think will make me richer and more powerful.”  This time, Blair’s snooty organization of choice is the HIGHLY creatively titled, Girls, Inc., run by that Bastion of Social Grace Herself, Anne “Wife of a Convict” Archibald.

(Note:  It has been brought to my attention that Girls, Inc. is an ACTUAL organization  — one that I am sure is lovely.  Please know that everything I say from here on in about “Girls, Inc,” refers to the fictional chapter of it portrayed in the show, and NOT the real organization.  No hate mail, please! :))

CHUCK:  “You know, B.  We should really invest in some more original plotlines.  Because this is like the fifth time I’ve tried to “Take Back the Empire” and the 87th time you’ve tried to join a Lame Self-Righteous Club for Women . . .”

BLAIR:  “I know C.  But at least the writers are FINALLY allowing us to sort of be together.  So, we really shouldn’t complain.  Otherwise, they might do something drastic, like make you screw that Raccoon Zombie again  . . .”

As part of his “Empire Hotel Strikes Back” campaign, Chuck decides to throw a Black and White Ball.  He and Blair make plans to have dinner together before the event.  And while they keep assuring eachother the dinner date is only a “friendly one,” the hungry looks in both of their eyes say differently.

In the first of two sets of parallel scenes, we see Blair talking with Bastion of Society / Wife of a Convict, Anne Archibald, about how the new face of Girls, Inc.  CANNOT, absolutely CANNOT fraternize with someone of questionable moral character, like Chuck Bass or Nate Archibald’s dad.  Blair, of course, assures Anne that she has no plans to fraternize with Chuck Bass or Nate Archibald’s dad.  At first, I thought Anne looked kind of shocked and frightened by Blair’s assurances . . . then I realized it was just the Botox talking.

Surprised Face Monkey can certainly relate to Anne’s predicament.

Meanwhile, P.R. Represenative from Hell (remember her from LAST SEASON?), K.C., is telling Chuck he has to go back to being the Hedonist Man Whore he has always been, if he wants to “Take Back the Empire.”  And, shocker of shockers, that means ditching “Sweet Innocent Blair.”

Had this been Season 1 or 2, we would have likely had to suffer through Chuck and Blair both suddenly being cold to one another, with each not telling the other one why.  Fortunately, our favorite couple seems to have actually grown up some since the start of the show.

And, in an INSANELY cute scene, during which both Chuck and Blair are talking on the phone to eachother, while wearing red robes, and getting pedicures, each admits to the other why the pair can no longer be seen together in public.

Chuck Bass is probably the only man on the planet who can make THIS look masculine and sexy . . .

You all know what this means, don’t you?  That’s right!  SUPER HOT SECRET SEX!

Clearly, the King and Queen of Scams, Chuck and Blair don’t even have to pause in undressing, before they’ve already derived a solution to their mutually difficult predicaments.  Chuck will convert his boring Black and White Ball, into a sensual and super naughty “Saints and Sinners” Masquerade Ball.  For her part, Blair will publicly denounce the Ball, to politically distance herself from Chuck, and show Bastion of Society / Wife of a Convict Anne Archibald that she can be just as “Innocent and Sweet” (read: “Stuck-up and Hypocritical”) as the LAST “Face of Girl’s Inc.,” namely, Anne Archibald, herself.

Every time I think I’ve seen the HOTTEST SEX SCENE Chair has to offer, they go and TOP IT FOR ME!  And this week was no exception.  Chuck’s and Blair’s scheming, while amorously massaging eachother’s skin, and ripping one another’s clothes off, is all KINDS OF HOT. 

But things REALLY get steamy, when the couple falls backward onto the bed, and a fully-aroused Chuck, in a moment of uninhibited passion, whispers breathlessly in Blair’s ear, “I love you.”

My sentiments exactly, Blair.

But, alas, we must leave our UNDENIABLY SEXY COUPLE, and head LOW DOWN into the dark depths of Brooklyn, were something EEEVVVVVILL is afoot . . .

Raccoon Zombie + Psycho Stalker + Dullnessa = The Triumverate of Evil (and some REALLY BAD HAIR)

JENNY:  So, we’ve come to get revenge on BLAIR, right?  Because for four seasons, I’ve been battling it out with BLAIR.

VANESSA:  Me too.  The few times, I’ve actually had my own plotline, it always had something to do with me fighting with BLAIR.

JULIET:  No, actually, we’re screwing over SERENA, today. 

JENNY and VANESSA:  ???????  Ummm . . . OK.  It’s not like we have anything better to do.

So, Jenny, Juliet, and Vanessa throw a little Pow Wow in Juliet’s room, to plan their BIG attack on Serena.  And I have to say, as much as I am a total NON FAN of these three, their “Revenge” Plot was pretty darn impressive.

JULIET:  “Did you hear that?  She actually said something nice about us.”

RACCOON ZOMBIE:  “I KNOW!  I think it’s because I stopped eating out of her trash cans . . .”

The plan begins with Vanessa reuniting The Ambiguously Gay Duo Best Friends, Dan and Nate.

DAN:  *sings*  “And we’re the two best friends that anybody could have . . . we’re the two best friends that anybody could have . . . and we’re going to do things . . . all the time together . . .”

 . . . who decide that, rather than fight over Serena, they will each take her out on a date, and, for lack of a better phrase, “Let the best man win.”

Because Jenny has switched the SIM card on Serena’s phone, but carried over her contact list, allowing Serena to make outgoing calls, but not incoming ones (and yet she STILL gets Gossip Girl Blasts . . . weird), Serena ends up standing up BOTH Dan and Nate on their respective dates.  And yet, because Dan and Nate have no balls sex with Serena is so mindblowing as to wipe out all mental reasoning in her male partners, rather than get mad, Dan and Nate inexplicably decide to give the “Love of Their Life” (at least, until next week) one more chance.

So, The Ambiguously Gay Duo these manly men corner Serena on the street, and tell her that she has until midnight to choose which “lucky dude” gets to be her Semi-Permanent Screw Buddy.

During the next phase of the plan, Jenny lets it slip to Mama Lily that Juliet is plotting to get vengeance on Serena.  So, Lily, of course, calls Juliet over for a meeting in order to pay her off try to straighten things out.  During the meeting, Juliet admits to leaking the Page 6 news, but alludes to their having been ANOTHER teacher-student incident involving Serena, back when she was in boarding school.  Juliet threatens to leak this information to Columbia.  So, of course, Lily pays for Juliet’s silence.

Wait . . . correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t Juliet once mention that CRAZY BROTHER BEN was a teacher, before he landed himself in jail?

“That’s Professor Crazy Brother Ben to YOU!”

Is it possible that Ben taught at Serena’s boarding school, and something happened between them there that resulted in him being in jail, and brought about Psycho Stalker Juliet’s reign of terror on the Upper East Siders?

Don’t worry . . . it’s not a spoiler . . . just a conjecture.

Anywhoo . . . while shopping for a dress for the ball, Serena finds out that her mother has paid off Juliet.  Of course, Serena is WAY OFFENDED that her mom could POSSIBLY think SHE, of all people, would EVER sleep around with an older man.  She tells her mom, as much.

“Sleep around?  Moi?  NEVER!”

After getting a text message from Blair on Serena’s phone about Girls, Inc., Vanessa is instructed to send Serena’s resume to Anne Archibald, despite Serena having promised she would not apply for the position.  In a futile attempt to get us to like her character more, Vanessa appears mildly troubled by the EVIL TASK she is supposed to perform.

“I am mildly troubled by the Evil Task I am supposed to perform.”

And yet, after Juliet tells Vanessa what a LAME SUPER VILLAIN she is, and how the Raccoon Zombie is TOTALLY kicking her ass in terms of pure evilness, the Bohemian Brooklynite ends up sending the resume, anyway .  . .

In the final Pre-Party Phase of the “Bring Down Serena” plan of action, the Triumverate of Evil conveniently receive a Gossip Girl Blast showing the girls EXACTLY what Serena will be wearing to the Masquerade Ball . . .

Ummm . . . Serena?   You are on a public city street entering a CAB!  Is the mask really necessary?

“Take off your clothes, and get out your credit card,” demands Jenny of Juliet, upon reading the blast.

“Not to be nitpicky or anything.  But aren’t you supposed to pay ME for this sort of thing?”

Elsewhere in Town . . .

 . . . Blair is SO touched, when she learns that Chuck has arranged for the best chefs in New York City to cater for her “Denounce Chuck Bass” Meeting with the folks from Girls, Inc., that she dashes off to the party (wearing nothing but slinky red lingerie) to give him an impromptu screw thank you.

EVIL comes to the Saints and Sinners Ball . . .

Wearing a refreshingly minimal amount of eye makeup, Jenny (see, I will call her by her real name . . . for now) and Juliet arrive at the Masquerade Ball wearing hooded capes, underneath which, both are clad in . . . you guessed it . . . Serena’s dress . . .

A masked Juliet enters the party first, and uses the name of a not-yet-arrived Serena to gain admittance.  So, of course, when the REAL Serena arrives at the party, she is initially not allowed in by the Dumb Doorman, who CLEARLY doesn’t read Page Six! 

Unfortunately, for Serena, she only carries around her driver’s license when she’s “shopping for a car,” so, she has no immediate way of proving she is who she says she is.  It must be nice to be clearly underage, and yet NEVER get carded in New York City.  And yet, I’m willing to bet Serena will CHANGE her views on carrying identification AFTER the night she’s about to have . . .

(To be honest, I’m not really sure HOW Jenny got into the party.  I highly doubt Chuck would put her on the list, and Juliet already used Serena’s name.  It’s possible they explained this during the episode, but I totally missed it.)

So, of course, Evil Serena Doppelgangers, Juliet and Jenny, start wreaking havoc on Serena’s love life.  When one of them kisses Dan passionately on the mouth . . .

 . . . I worry, for a second, that it’s his SISTER, Jenny!

But then I realize it’s probably Juliet, and I calm down a bit.  I do, however, think Jenny (dressed as Serena) kisses Nate . . .

 . . . which is kind of ironic, especially considering that THIS EXACT SCENARIO, has happened between these two once before . . .

You’d think Nate would learn by now.  Then again, he’s not that bright . . .

(By the way, have you checked out the HAIR on these girls, in the above pictures?  Question: If YOU were attending a hot sexy masquerade ball, wouldn’t YOU think to . . . you know . . . run a comb through your mop, first?  Then again, Serena and her hairbrush have never exactly been “friends.”  So, perhaps, they were just playing the part . . .)

Going to Hell in a Handbag . . . and LOVING EVERY MINUTE

While Taylor Momsen’s band, “Pretty Reckless,” belts out “Make Me Wanna Die” in the background (a song, which I shudder to admit, I’ve grown to appreciate, ever since they used it in The Vampire Diaries’ Season Premiere Promo), Blair locates Chuck at the party, in a clandestine area, behind a rather large, conveniently-placed curtain. 

“If the words you said were true, I’d want to know,” says Blair, clearly referring to Chuck’s orgasmic “I love you,” from earlier in the episode.

“I meant it.  I meant it with all my heart,” replies Chuck.

The enchanted looks exchanged by these two, when Chuck finally admits his love for Blair are literally enough to take my breath away.  Kudos to Chuck for manning up  about his true feelings WAY quicker than I expected him to do so!  “Are you going to say something?”  Chuck asks, smiling slightly, but, perhaps, a bit nervous as well . . .

“I will . . . I do,” replies Blair.

“AWWWW YEAH!  She sooooooo LOVES ME!”

“We can’t have everything,” says Chuck, illustrating his willingness to give up his Bad Boy image for Blair.

Then, suddenly, someone, who looks suspiciously like Serena, emerges from the shadows.

Silently NotSerena yanks down the curtain, revealing Chuck and Blair to the crowd . . . well . . . at least revealing them to the people in the front row.  To everyone else, they probably just looked like ants . . .

Honestly, the initial reveal struck me as kind of ho hum.  After all, there could be any of a million ways in which savvy schemers like Chuck and Blair could have explained away their mere presence behind that curtain.  But then, count on Chuck and Blair to make an otherwise lame reveal TOTALLY AWESOME!

“Let’s go down in flames together,” says Chuck to a beaming Blair, as he pulls her in for a deep passionate kiss . . .

Now THIS is something that cannot be explained away to a watching crowd . . .

And apparently, Chuck’s party has the WORST GUARDED guest list in town, because who shows up to conveniently witness the whole Makeout Session, but Bastion of Society / Wife of a Convict Anne Archibald.

And Anne has plenty to say about how Blair has RUINED her chances of being a Girls, Inc. girl, by publicly making out with Chuck.  Apparently, the “modern-thinking” Anne believes that women are a reflection of the men they are with.  And I agree.  Anne Archibald is definitely a reflection of Nate’s Convict Dad! 

Before stalking off in a dramatic Botox-infused huff, Anne tells Blair to tell Serena that she’s not Girls, Inc. material either.  (Yeah, way to be professional Anne!  Have one candidate reject another candidate for you, at a SAINTS AND SINNERS PARTY!) 

Now, of course, Blair assumes that Serena exposed her and Chuck, so that she would have a leg up on Blair in being the next Girls, Inc. girl.  And Blair is PISSED!  In fact, she is SO PISSED that she may very well throw Serena in that fountain again . . .

Meanwhile, Chuck’s P.R. Gal, K.C., surprisingly, is THRILLED with how well the public has responded to Chuck’s recent dalliance with Blair.  She claims it provides a good contrast to the SUPER HEDONIST persona Chuck exhibited during the party, by giving him heart.  “Maybe we can have everything,” says Chuck.

“I can’t,” pouts Blair.

Outside the party, Chuck tells Blair that he wants to build a future with her.  Blair wistfully replies that, for now, she needs to follow her heart.  “I have to be Blair, before I can be Chuck Bass’ girlfriend,” she insists.

Given all that these two have been through in the past few weeks, the above exchange was incredibly sad, and more than a bit depressing.  And yet, the conlusion of the scene leaves us with hope for this star-crossed couple. 

“I love you,” says Chuck.

“I love you too,” says Blair.  “I don’t expect you to wait.”

“When two people are meant to be together, they eventually find their way back,” answers Chuck.

“Do you really believe that?”  Blair asks.

“I do,” answers Chuck.

“Me too,” says Blair, smiling sadly, as she chastely touches her fingers to his lips, before exiting stage left.

You know what?  I think these two are going to be OK!

But you know who might NOT be OK?

Serena’s Up Sh*t’s Creek, without a Paddle

Our girl Serena is having a VERY BAD NIGHT.  First she got reamed out by Blair.  Then she got dumped by BOTH Nate and Dan, who left the party together to have sex play video games.  To top it off, Psycho Stalker Juliet, unbeknownst to EVEN Jenny and Vanessa, roofied Serena’s mask, and carried the poor girl, (who promptly passed out) into a limo, which she rode back to her place. 

Did I mention Juliet TEXTED the Dean, as Serena ,to tell her that Serena had WITHDRAWN from Columbia.  Yeah . . . I said TEXTED.  Because, apparently, permanent exit from a prestigious Ivy League school is just a few cell phone button pushes away . . .

Ridiculousness of the whole “Drop Out by Text” Thing aside, I’m actually really worried about our girl, Serena.  Because that Juliet is clearly WAY more disturbed than any of us originally suspected . . .

Man, this show is getting good . .  .

XOXO

[www.juliekushner.com]

“Think with your Brain. Not your . . . Macaroon!” – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Juliet Doesn’t Live Here Anymore”

“But I LOVE Macaroons!”

Is it possible?  Could this week’s GG installment actually top last week’s?  How could that POSSIBLY BE — when last week’s episode featured Chuck and Blair having HOT HATE SEX ON THE PIANO?

Oh, but it DID, Gossip Girl fans!  It absolutely did!  Because that AWESOME Piano Sex we all got so excited about last week?  As it turns out, that was ONLY THE BEGINNING!  In fact “Juliet Doesn’t Live Here Anymore” was so racy (in a GOOD way), that it made “War at the Roses,” look like a Disney Cartoon . . .

Well . . . maybe not Aladdin.  That Jasmine girl?  Yeah, she’s a little bit slutty . . .

Oh . . . and Serena’s storyline wasn’t half bad, either . . .

So, what are we WAITING FOR, GG’ers?  Let’s get our “CHAIR” on!

“Someone’s been sleeping in MY bed!  And he’s STILL HERE!”

A couple episodes back, Gossip Girl began with Blair having a “nightmare,” in which she “thought” that Chuck was attacking her in the darkness of her home.  This week, that nightmare CAME TRUE!

The episode opens with Serena storming into Blair’s bedroom, first thing in the morning, to gripe about her “Colin Problem.”

“Oh, it’s so HARD . . . loving my teacher, and not being able to screw him, or take him to the Ballet.  I’ve always wanted to bone at a ballet!  Blah, blah, blah, I’m so irresistible to all men.  Woe is me,” Serena babbles.

 Now, while the “Colin Problem” sounded TOTALLY snoozy and annoying to me, I am not Serena’s best friend, Blair is.  So, I must admit, I was a bit surprised by the callous way Queen B blew off her “friend in need” in this first scene  It just seemed SO unlike her . . .

But then Serena left, and I noticed a little extra “bump” in Blair’s bed.  It was almost as if something or someone was hiding under the covers  . . .

OK . . . where can I get me one of THOSE?

Kudos to Chuck for NOT going for the way-too-easy (and undeniably creepy) threesome joke he could have made, regarding his “accidental” sharing of the bed, with BOTH Blair AND Serena.  We all know that Season 1 Chuck would have TOTALLY made such a comment.  So, it’s good to see how much our Big Bass has grown, since this series started (in more ways than ONE!)

Chuck Bass: A “HEAD” above all the rest . . .

Blair insists that this most recent sexual rendezvous between the two “sworn enemies” will be their last one . . .   And, if you believe that, I have a pet Raccoon Zombie I will selling, over the internet, shortly following this recap.

There she is!

( Coincidentally, if you are interested in owning your very own pet Raccoon Zombie, please let me know, in the Comments section.)

“What if Someone Sees?”

BLAIR:  “If screwing on a plane puts you in the Mile High Club?  What does screwing on a subway get you?”

CHUCK:  “A bad case of whiplash?”

Who says you can’t learn about local news from watching Gossip Girl?  When Chuck runs into Nate, just outside Blair Waldorf’s house, Nate notes that Chuck has been MIA for THREE WHOLE DAYS!

“Wait to GO, BLAIR!”

Chuck’s explanation as to why he has been so “absent,” of late?  This past Sunday’s New York Marathon, of couse!   According to Chuck, he has been helping the runners to get screwed, like they’ve never been screwed before “warm up” for the Big Race.

All of the people in this picture would like to thank Chuck Bass for his . . . umm . . . support . . . during the hours leading up to their Marathon.  Way to take one for the team, Chuck  (or should I say “take 1,000”)!

 Meanwhile, Nate is headed to Juliet’s place, to return some of her things, and, thereby, get “closure.”  (I wonder if Nate’s idea of “closure” is the same as Chuck’s.  For Juliet’s sake, I sure hope so!)

“Yeeee Hawwww, Juliet!  It’s time to close this relationship DOWN . . . using my lasso . . .  and my ‘Mechanical Bull.'” 😉

But while Chuck is chatting with Nate, he spies Blair, off in the distance.  And so, he makes an abrupt exit, running toward Blair with the verve of all those Marathon runners he claimed to be screwing.

Chuck grabs Blair’s hand amorously, with an eye toward continuing their own PERSONAL marathon.  But Blair hesitates.  “What if someone sees us?”  Queen B inquires nervously.

“What you don’t like that, anymore?”  Chuck asks. 

(OMG!  How could you NOT love these two?)

When Blair suggests that their sexcapades end “here,” Chuck replies, “How about over there?”

Within minutes, the two are arm and arm, and heading down BELOW . . . if you catch my drift!

As it turns out, Blair’s fears weren’t completely unfounded.  HOURS later (well . . . . maybe it was minutes . . . but a girl can dream, can’t she? ;)), when Blair and Chuck emerge from underground, they are spotted by Serena and Colin, who are sharing a cab to “class,” and planning a romantic weekend getaway together (Riiight, because that’s what all students and teachers who are NOT involved in an illicit relationship do together.)  . . .

Colin just so happened to be fully clothed at the time . . . BUMMER!

Also around to catch both Chuck and Blair AND Serena and Colin, in the midst of their respective illicit rendezvous, was Dorky Dan — who without his Georgina / Baby Daddy storyline — has ONCE AGAIN been reduced to pining over Serena for episodes on end . . .

“It’s not easy being this lame.  It takes a LOT of practice . . .”

Even though Dan does NOT actually go to Columbia, (Though, honestly, you could have FOOLED me, for all the time he spends there . . .) he instantly recognizes Colin as being a professor there.  (Sorry . . . “Guest Lecturer.”)  This is because Dan “just so happened” to be reading the dude’s book, (and staring at his sexy portrait on the back) at the time of the sighting.  What are the odds, right? 🙂

And the Plot Thickens . . .

“So, THAT’s why they titled this episode that way!  It all makes so much more sense now!”

When Nate arrives at Juliet’s “home,” he is surprised to find out, from the doorman, that she not only “doesn’t live [there] anymore,” she “NEVER lived there EVER.” 

Meanwhile, at Juliet’s REAL Rathole of a Studio Apartment, she is home, playing on a surprisingly nice laptop for a “poor girl.”  On said laptop is some home- made soft core porn featuring, you guessed it: Colin and Serena.  And they are . . . wait for it . . .

Kissing?

LAMEST SEX TAPE EVER!  Come ON, Juliet!  I expected MUCH better from a girl who used to be on Melrose Place . . . 

Upon viewing the tape (and re-viewing it, and re-viewing it, and -re-viewing it . . . never mind that it features her very own COUSIN!), Juliet contacts the Dean of Columbia to set up a meeting, so the pair can discuss this “INTENSE” video.

“Hmmm . . . maybe I should send this hot Kissing Video over to my brother in the Pokey.  Lord knows THOSE GUYS are hard up for some cheap entertainment!”

Why Serena NEVER has a tanline . . .

“Tans are for PRUDES!”

“Ummm . . .  honey, I beg to differ.”

Back at La Casa de Waldorf, Serena and Blair confront each other about what and who they’ve been doing lately.  “It was a one time thing,” insists Blair regarding her “happy times” with Chuck, “OK .  . . a five time thing . . . OK so I lost count of how many times this ‘thing’ was.  But we are Enemies with Benefits!  There are no more feelings between Chuck and I, than there are thoughts in Levi Johnston’s head.”

(Now Blair . . . that’s not very nice!  Levi Johnston has LOTS of thoughts in his head.  They just all have to do with his nuts . . .)

Pistachio nuts, of course!

Still Serena Killjoy does not approve.  She is fully convinced that ANY emotions that grow between Blair and Chuck, even ones of hatred, can only lead to trouble.

And by “trouble,” she of course means “tons of fun!”

Fortunately, for Blair, she hasn’t been the only one misbehaving of late.  “You are one inappropriate relationship away from a Guinness Book World Record,” Blair argues, adeptly changing the subject.

When Serena stupidly brings up the idea of her and Colin going on vacation together to “just talk,” Blair is appalled!

“I am APPALLED!”

You see, Serena has NO WILLPOWER on vacations.  That’s why she NEVER HAS A TANLINE.  Get it?  Apparently, Serena should take a page from Blair’s book, and start having sex in random sunny places, STAT . . . but . . . just . . . not with Colin . . . because that’s WRONG!  Right?

 Juliet Gets Caught in her 85,000th Lie by Nate.  Meanwhile, Vanessa Tags Along on Another Storyline, in which she has NO BUSINESS BEING!

Was it just me?  Or did this part of the episode give you a MASSIVE case of deja vu?  Tired of being lied to by the girlfriend who dumped him, Nate is determined to find answers!  (Riiiiiiight!  I don’t know about you, but I stalk ALL MY EX BOYFRIENDS, particularly when I find out information confirming that I dodged a bullet, by breaking up with them.)

“Wait . . . are you being sarcastic?  Because I actually do that . . . stalk all my ex-girlfriends, I mean  . . . at least the ones that are ‘series regulars.’  None of this ‘Special Guest Star’ B.S.  Sorry, Joanna Garcia and that Cougar I banged for a while, in Season 2!”

Since the rest of the Scooby Gang (well, except for Dan . . . but he doesn’t count) are busy “gettin busy,” Nate visits his Partner of Last Resort, Vanessa.

Vanessa is so excited that Nate is actually talking to her and that her character has more than three lines this episode, that she completely forgets the fact that he regularly ditches her for EVERY OTHER female character on this show, (EVEN JENNY), and has basically treated her like TOTAL CRAP for the past Season and a half.  Nate wants to spy on Juliet.  AndVanessa wants to “clear her name,” regarding the whole Serena “sex-for-grades” frame-up she supposedly orchestrated, a few episodes back.

And that was how the Hottie and the Nottie joined forces.  Vanessa finds Juliet’s actual address, while Nate talks his Ex up to “distract her.”  While Nate is talking to Juliet, she admits how very, very POOR she is.  So poor, in fact, that: (1) her cousin pays for her VERY EXPENSIVE college education; (2) she lives in a studio apartment near Harlem; (3) she does her own hair (FOR SHAME!): (4) and she shops at WOODBURY COMMON!

WTF, Gossip Girl!  I got some of my favorite outfits from Woodbury Common!  That place is awesome!   I’m impressed Nate even knows where it is!

So, now, despite the fact that Nate has already caught Juliet lying about: (1) her brother in prison; (2) her trying to get Serena kicked out of Hamilton House; (3) where she lives; (4) and how she pays for school, Nate is so touched by Juliet’s “I’m Just a Poor Girl, Nobody Loves Me,” story, that he decides to give Juliet a second chance . . .

Ummm . . . second?  Apparently, it wasn’t Nate’s “counting” abilities that got him into Columbia.  Oh, and correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t Juliet dump Nate this last time?

Anyway, Nate decides to start of this “second chance,” by inviting Juliet to the Lame Ass Ballet that will function as this episodes main “Party of Plot Development and Hijinks.”  He texts Vanessa, to tell her that the “raid” is off.  However, Vanessa has already found the video of Colin’s and Serena’s VERY soft core porn on Juliet’s computer.  And now she just can’t stop watching . . .

“This is the most action I’ve seen ALL SEASON!”

Dan’s “Mad Face” = Total Relationship Killer

Dan finds Serena (studying?), and lays on her one of his most intense stares . . .  “Uh oh!  Why are you giving me Mad Face?”  Serena inquires, nervously.

“Mad Face?  Who me?  I don’t know what you’re talking about!  I always look like this!”

Dan admits that he saw Serena getting out of her Professor’s cab, and he didn’t like it.  Serena tries to smooth things over, asserting that they are “waiting” until the class is over to “do it.”  Isn’t that “romantic?”

Honestly?  This guy could SNEEZE, and it would be “romantic.”

Hoping to go all judgy-judgy on Serena’s as,s for screwing The Teach, Dan is a bit taken back, by his Slutty Ex’s Anomalous Abstinence.  And so, he starts REALLY laying it on thick.  Dan tells Serena that if HE was her boyfriend HE would do anything for her, INCLUDING quit a teaching position at Columbia to be with her.  After all, SERENA is worth more than the cost of a “Guest Lecture Fee.”

(Yeah . . . way to be subtle O’ Danny Boy!)

And yet, perhaps, I was too quick to rank on Dorky Dan’s Mad Lady Skills.  Because, about two scenes later, Serena DUMPS that Hot (and Rich) Piece of Meat, Colin, and instead decides to go to the ballet with . . Dan?

“Oh yeah!  I’m a stud!  You know it!”

Immersion Therapy versus Detox –  You all KNOW which one I’m ROOTING FOR!

Thank you, Episode 8, and CWTV.com for providing me the HOTTEST new collection of Chuck Bass screencaps, EVER!  (See example, above.)

I must admit, I literally squealed with joy, when I learned that Chuck and Blair opted to have their “last” sexual encounter in the exact same place where they had their first, namely, the back seat of a limo.  However, I must say, I was a bit disappointed that we didn’t actually get to see the encounter this time . . .  So, I guess we will just have to settle for this . . .

You’re welcome.

Unfortunately, for Chuck and Blair, they aren’t always the greatest at communicating.  As a result, each had VERY DIFFERENT ideas about how to finally END their sexual relationship.  For Blair, it was all about DETOX.  She commandeered poor Dorota, to keep her from seeing Chuck AT ALL during the next 24 hours.

“Oof!  I can already tell I’m not going to like this job . . .”

As for Chuck, he preferred more of an IMMERSION therapy — namely, ALL SEX, ALL THE TIME for 24-hours, or until they got “sick of it” (like THAT would ever happen), whichever came first.

Now, you all know how much I LOVE my Chuck.  So, I hope you all don’t take this the wrong way.  But was I the ONLY one REALLY creeped out by the way Chuck instructed his limo driver to pick up TONS OF CONDOMS in preparation for his NONSTOP SEX SESSION with Blair? 

Umm . . . ever heard of a thing called “privacy,” Chuck?  Perhaps, it wasn’t Chuck’s words that made me so uncomfortable, but the SUPER DISTURBING way the cab driver leered at Chuck  when he said them.  That made me throw up in my mouth a little bit . . .

Anywhoo . . . Blair’s idea of detox mainly involved “thinking with her brain, not her macaroon, as she told Serena, later that evening.  Basically, this plan constituted a LOOOOOONG bath . . .

 . . . and EATING . . . lots and lots of EATING.

Honestly, I don’t think I’ve seen Blair Waldorf eat as much in FOUR SEASONS, as I saw her eat, during this episode.  It was kind of refreshing, actually.  I’m guessing that all that sex she was having with Chuck, probably burned those macaroons RIGHT OFF! 

Throughout Blair’s LOOOOOONG bath, we see her repeatedly ignore phone calls from Chuck (31, to be exact).  And then, just when it seems like she’s “chucked chuck” for good, Blair reenters her room, and finds a little “present” in her bed.

Make that a nice BIG present . . .

Just as Blair’s resolve is about to crack, Dorota screams out NOOOOOOOOO! And promptly sends Blair off for her date to The Ballet with . . . Professor Colin Forrester?

As Blair rushes to meet her TOTALLY RANDOM date, Chuck eyes Dorota suspciously. 

“If KGB can’t get me to talk, Chuck Bass has no chance,” insists Dorota.

(Anyone know where I can find my own Dorota?  I can think of a lot of situations where this would come in VERY handy, indeed . . .)

In Other Home Invasion News . . .

 . . . Juliet returns home, to find a Creepy Vanessa lounging on her bed.  Temporarily forgetting that it was Juliet who set Vanessa up, as being the person who “framed” Serena for exchanging “grades for sex,” Vanessa has since decided that she now wants to JOIN FORCES with Juliet, to bring down Serena. 

“Come to the Dark Side, Juliet!  Oh . . . wait . . . I guess you are kind of already there.”

The only problem is that, now, Juliet’s all lovey dovey with Nate, and doesn’t want to go through with the whole “Screw Over Serena” Thing.  Not ready to give up just yet, Vanessa snatches up a USB drive containing the incriminating footage, and heads off to “The Ballet.”

At the Ballet

When Dan arrives at The Ballet to meet up with Serena, rather than going right over to her, he inexplicably stands still and leers at her from far away. 

“Clearly, this is all part of my master plan.  Why else would I do something so stupid?”

While Dan is waiting for puberty to hit, Blair learns that Colin quit his teaching job to be with Serena.  Her faith restored in Mankind (well, at least the part of mankind she ISN’T sleeping with on a regular basis), Blair decides to be the “good friend,” and reunite Colin and Serena.

It doesn’t take very long at all, for this to happen.

Sorry Dan!  It looks like the early bird gets the slut Serena!

Once she is safely alone, Chuck approaches Blair, and asks her to meet him in a phone booth?

“This sounds like a job for SUPER CHUCK!”

OK . . . do they even HAVE phonebooths in New York, anymore?  Because I’ve never seen one . . .

Meanwhile, Vanessa tries to paw off the USB drive containing the not-so-sexy vid on the Dean of Columbia U, when Juliet stops her.

But then Vanessa quickly convinces Juliet of the “error of her ways,” by telling Juliet that she will always be an outsider to this Upper East Side crew.  Therfore, she might as well join up with Vanessa’s LOSER CREW OF TWO, ASAP.

Juliet agrees, and ends up giving the USB drive to the Dean herself, pointing out that the folks in it, are none other than Serena and her very own cousin (and mealticket) Colin.  In my ABSOLUTE favorite part of this scene, Vanessa tries to interject some useless information into the conversation, and the Dean replies, “I’m sorry, but who are YOU?”

(Yes, Dean, we’ve ALL been trying to figure that out, for a REALLY long time now. . . )

When the Dean confronts Colin and Serena, Colin is already sort of off the hook, since he’s already resigned his position as faculty member at the school.  Being the good guy that he is, Colin refuses to implicate Serena in his “Sex Madness.”  But the Dean insists that she will HAVE to investigate Serena, based on past claims of “sex-for-grades” that were made against her.

That’s when Chuck and Blair come to the rescue!

Blair surprises us all, by risking everything for her best friend.  First, she snatches the USB drive from the Dean’s hand, and tosses it into her champagne, ruining it irreparably.   She then states that SHE, and NOT SERENA, was the one screwing Colin.  (I loved the little smirk Colin made, when she said this.  Colin is really enjoying himself, isn’t he?)

Chuck chimes in to confirm Blair’s involvement.  “I would know because I keep tabs on every man Blair sleeps with, because I’m insanely jealous.  Also, I heard he wasn’t satisfying her in the way that ONLY I can.”

So true, Chuck!  So VERY true!

In the end, the Poor Dean is just totally fed up with this crew of Upper East Side Looney Tunes.  And, without any evidence of the scandal in question, there’s really nothing she can do to Serena or Colin. 

After the whole “scandal” is over, Colin cuts off Juliet’s finances (DUH!), and Blair and Co., banish her from Columbia FOREVER (Not like she can afford to be there anymore, anyway. . .)

And they all lived happily ever after?  Well . . . not quite yet . . .

The Aftermath . . .

In the limo coming home from The Ballet, Serena inexplicably dumps THIS GUY. . .

 . . . (WHO LEFT HIS JOB FOR HER) . . . for THIS GUY . . .

(WHO DIDN’T).

But then, while she’s waiting for Dan, so she can tell him the “Good News,” Serena runs into THIS GUY . . .

 . . . who . . . SURPRISE, SURPRISE . . . is in love with her too!  Now, Serena is confused as to who she should choose . . . AGAIN. 

Seriously?  This girl goes through lovers, like the rest of us go through pairs of underwear . . .

MAKE UP YOUR MIND ALREADY, SERENA . . . Blair did. 🙂

Back at La Casa de Waldorf . . .

 . . .  Chuck and Blair finally admit that they are friends (?)  And, though we all know they are so much more, it’s really nice to see the weeks (months?) of hatred between them just wash away.  “Who knew it would take tons of sex, and a public take down, for us to get here?”   Blair asks brightly.

“Good night, Waldorf,” says Chuck, a bit wistfully.

The pair hug eachother tightly, then kiss eachother chastely.  Then, very slowly, they begin to kiss eachother more passionately . .  . MUCH more passionately.  Next thing you know, Chuck has literally swept Blair off her feet, and is effortlessly carrying her toward the stairs . . .

The pair engage in SCORCHING SEX, in front of the fire.  But this time is different from all those other times, earlier in the episode.  No longer can Chuck and Blair hide behind the protective shield of Hate Sex.  Because this time . . . they are truly  . . . making  . .  .  LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!

And the episode should have ended here . . . really . . . but it didn’t.

In the FINAL scene, we see Juliet and Vanessa cyberchatting with a familar face . . . someone who “really understands” what they both are going through . . . someone who KEEPS SAYING she’s going to be above the fray, and not get involved .  . .  but keeps GETTING INVOLVED AGAIN, AND AGAIN! 

You guessed it.   Next week’s episode will feature Juliet and Vanessa teaming up with . . . 

Jenny the Raccoon Zombie!

And that, my dear friends, was how the Triumverate of EVIL was born!

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com]