Serena Gets Screwed (But not in the way you might think.) – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Witches of Bushwick”

“Now, who’s the Craziest B*tch of Them All?  That Evil Raccoon Zombie’s got NOTHING ON ME!”

Well, that Juliet Sharp ended up being a Real Wackadoo, didn’t she?  Page Six scandals, phony makeout sessions, best friend frame-ups, and ill-timed text messages . . . those are all things that come with the territory, when you live on the Upper East Side.  Heck, that’s just another Day at the Office, for these folks!

  But DRUGGING and KIDNAPPING SOMEONE?  Now, that’s just EFFIN CRAZY!   That’s the stuff Lifetime movies are made of (or The Roommate, starring Leighton Meester).

That’s right, Serena.  The Triumverate of Evil is COMING.  And you can run, but you CAN’T HIDE!

While Serena tries to make her escape, perhaps, we should get started on the recap . . .

Serena’s Love Life = Ridiculously Complex Mathematical Equation

“Math is hard . . . but I am easy.“

When the episode opens, we find Eric I-Never-Have-Any-Worthwhile-Storylines-and-am-Therefore Forced-to-do-Lame-Things-Like-Graphing-My-Sister’s-Lovelife van der Woodsen and his boyfriend doing precisely what you would expect any hot young gay couple to do, when they have a Big Mansion to themselves . . . drawing Venn Diagrams?

“Are you KIDDING ME with this?  This is what I’ve been reduced to?  Have you forgotten that I was once in a movie with ANGE-FRIGGIN-LINA JOLIE?”

“Yeah . . . I thought so . . .”

So, anyway, the boys are hoping that this little visual aid will help Serena choose a MAN.  Now, unfortunately, the GG producers didn’t really show us too much of the Diagram.  And yet, I’m willing to bet it looked something like this . . .

Now, before you start getting all mad at me, please realize that I am fully aware that not all of the people listed here were actually on the show.  I improvised a bit . . .

Speaking of visual aids, Lily comes home with another one.  SURPRISE, SURPRISE!  “Someone” has leaked the news of Serena’ little relationship with Professor Hotpants Colin to the media, and it somehow landed on Page Six.  (Talk about a slow news day!  Page Six clearly isn’t what it used to be!)

I’m simply posting this picture here, because I fear I will not have an excuse to use it again on this blog.  *Sigh*

To make matters worse, Dean I-Keep-Tabs-on-All-My-Students’-Sex-Lives-and-Repeatedly-Threaten-to-Expel-Them-for-Completely-Nonsensical-Reasons Reuther would like to talk with Lily and Serena about this most recent development.  Apparently, Dean Reuther is absolutely APPALLED by the notion that one of her students would have the nerve to *gasp* publicly makeout with a guy who taught class at Columbia for a few days.

The HORROR!

To further complicate matters, the Paparazzi have quickly grown tired of tracking the drunken escapades of Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan, and would much rather stalk the Columbia campus, in hopes of finding one of its students FRENCH KISSING.  Unnerved by the “terrible press,” which will SURELY topple Columbia’s chances of besting Stanford in the U.S. News and World Report Rankings this year, the Dean not-so-subtly suggests that Serena withdraw from school.

But fear not, kiddies!  Mama Lily has come to the RESCUE!

Initially, Lily attempts to solve the Serena’s “The Dean Hates Her” Conundrum, by doing what she does best: throwing money at the problem.  “I’d be willing to give you an endowment, that could perhaps be used to build a moat around your school, to keep out those pesky papparazzi.”

“Golly, Gee, Serena’s Mom!  That’s a marvelous idea!  Can we throw in a Fire Breathing Dragon too?”  Dean Reuther inquires.

But alas, the “super moral” Dean Reuther cannot be bought.   She CAN, however, be blackmailed.  Lily wises implies that should Dean Reuther force Serena to withdraw from Columbia, Lily will publicly expose the “sexual harassment”  and “gender discrimination,” her daughter suffered at the hands of the school and its faculty.

Of course, the Dean has NOTHING to say, in response to that.  Well, played Mrs. van der Woodsen-Bass-Humphrey and, however, many other friggin last names you have!  Thanks to you, Serena will be able to stay at Columbia . . . at least, for the next 35 minutes or so.

3 Words, 8 Letters =Pure HEAVEN for Chair Fans!

This scene renders me SPEECHLESS.  Fortunately, however, it has the OPPOSITE effect on Chuck Bass . . .

Yes, boys and girls!  Chuck and Blair spend yet another episode wrapped in one another’s arms for almost the ENTIRE HOUR!  And I for one, couldn’t be happier, well . . . except for that scene at the end  . . .

When the episode opens, Chuck and Blair have finished another raucous session of LOOOOOOVE MAKING. 

Based on their post-coital discussion, we learn that Chuck is ONCE AGAIN interested in rehashing his fallback plotline of “The Empire Hotel Strikes Back.”  Meanwhile, Blair is repeating her fallback plotline of “I must sacrifice my values and happiness to join some lame organization that I think will make me richer and more powerful.”  This time, Blair’s snooty organization of choice is the HIGHLY creatively titled, Girls, Inc., run by that Bastion of Social Grace Herself, Anne “Wife of a Convict” Archibald.

(Note:  It has been brought to my attention that Girls, Inc. is an ACTUAL organization  — one that I am sure is lovely.  Please know that everything I say from here on in about “Girls, Inc,” refers to the fictional chapter of it portrayed in the show, and NOT the real organization.  No hate mail, please! :))

CHUCK:  “You know, B.  We should really invest in some more original plotlines.  Because this is like the fifth time I’ve tried to “Take Back the Empire” and the 87th time you’ve tried to join a Lame Self-Righteous Club for Women . . .”

BLAIR:  “I know C.  But at least the writers are FINALLY allowing us to sort of be together.  So, we really shouldn’t complain.  Otherwise, they might do something drastic, like make you screw that Raccoon Zombie again  . . .”

As part of his “Empire Hotel Strikes Back” campaign, Chuck decides to throw a Black and White Ball.  He and Blair make plans to have dinner together before the event.  And while they keep assuring eachother the dinner date is only a “friendly one,” the hungry looks in both of their eyes say differently.

In the first of two sets of parallel scenes, we see Blair talking with Bastion of Society / Wife of a Convict, Anne Archibald, about how the new face of Girls, Inc.  CANNOT, absolutely CANNOT fraternize with someone of questionable moral character, like Chuck Bass or Nate Archibald’s dad.  Blair, of course, assures Anne that she has no plans to fraternize with Chuck Bass or Nate Archibald’s dad.  At first, I thought Anne looked kind of shocked and frightened by Blair’s assurances . . . then I realized it was just the Botox talking.

Surprised Face Monkey can certainly relate to Anne’s predicament.

Meanwhile, P.R. Represenative from Hell (remember her from LAST SEASON?), K.C., is telling Chuck he has to go back to being the Hedonist Man Whore he has always been, if he wants to “Take Back the Empire.”  And, shocker of shockers, that means ditching “Sweet Innocent Blair.”

Had this been Season 1 or 2, we would have likely had to suffer through Chuck and Blair both suddenly being cold to one another, with each not telling the other one why.  Fortunately, our favorite couple seems to have actually grown up some since the start of the show.

And, in an INSANELY cute scene, during which both Chuck and Blair are talking on the phone to eachother, while wearing red robes, and getting pedicures, each admits to the other why the pair can no longer be seen together in public.

Chuck Bass is probably the only man on the planet who can make THIS look masculine and sexy . . .

You all know what this means, don’t you?  That’s right!  SUPER HOT SECRET SEX!

Clearly, the King and Queen of Scams, Chuck and Blair don’t even have to pause in undressing, before they’ve already derived a solution to their mutually difficult predicaments.  Chuck will convert his boring Black and White Ball, into a sensual and super naughty “Saints and Sinners” Masquerade Ball.  For her part, Blair will publicly denounce the Ball, to politically distance herself from Chuck, and show Bastion of Society / Wife of a Convict Anne Archibald that she can be just as “Innocent and Sweet” (read: “Stuck-up and Hypocritical”) as the LAST “Face of Girl’s Inc.,” namely, Anne Archibald, herself.

Every time I think I’ve seen the HOTTEST SEX SCENE Chair has to offer, they go and TOP IT FOR ME!  And this week was no exception.  Chuck’s and Blair’s scheming, while amorously massaging eachother’s skin, and ripping one another’s clothes off, is all KINDS OF HOT. 

But things REALLY get steamy, when the couple falls backward onto the bed, and a fully-aroused Chuck, in a moment of uninhibited passion, whispers breathlessly in Blair’s ear, “I love you.”

My sentiments exactly, Blair.

But, alas, we must leave our UNDENIABLY SEXY COUPLE, and head LOW DOWN into the dark depths of Brooklyn, were something EEEVVVVVILL is afoot . . .

Raccoon Zombie + Psycho Stalker + Dullnessa = The Triumverate of Evil (and some REALLY BAD HAIR)

JENNY:  So, we’ve come to get revenge on BLAIR, right?  Because for four seasons, I’ve been battling it out with BLAIR.

VANESSA:  Me too.  The few times, I’ve actually had my own plotline, it always had something to do with me fighting with BLAIR.

JULIET:  No, actually, we’re screwing over SERENA, today. 

JENNY and VANESSA:  ???????  Ummm . . . OK.  It’s not like we have anything better to do.

So, Jenny, Juliet, and Vanessa throw a little Pow Wow in Juliet’s room, to plan their BIG attack on Serena.  And I have to say, as much as I am a total NON FAN of these three, their “Revenge” Plot was pretty darn impressive.

JULIET:  “Did you hear that?  She actually said something nice about us.”

RACCOON ZOMBIE:  “I KNOW!  I think it’s because I stopped eating out of her trash cans . . .”

The plan begins with Vanessa reuniting The Ambiguously Gay Duo Best Friends, Dan and Nate.

DAN:  *sings*  “And we’re the two best friends that anybody could have . . . we’re the two best friends that anybody could have . . . and we’re going to do things . . . all the time together . . .”

 . . . who decide that, rather than fight over Serena, they will each take her out on a date, and, for lack of a better phrase, “Let the best man win.”

Because Jenny has switched the SIM card on Serena’s phone, but carried over her contact list, allowing Serena to make outgoing calls, but not incoming ones (and yet she STILL gets Gossip Girl Blasts . . . weird), Serena ends up standing up BOTH Dan and Nate on their respective dates.  And yet, because Dan and Nate have no balls sex with Serena is so mindblowing as to wipe out all mental reasoning in her male partners, rather than get mad, Dan and Nate inexplicably decide to give the “Love of Their Life” (at least, until next week) one more chance.

So, The Ambiguously Gay Duo these manly men corner Serena on the street, and tell her that she has until midnight to choose which “lucky dude” gets to be her Semi-Permanent Screw Buddy.

During the next phase of the plan, Jenny lets it slip to Mama Lily that Juliet is plotting to get vengeance on Serena.  So, Lily, of course, calls Juliet over for a meeting in order to pay her off try to straighten things out.  During the meeting, Juliet admits to leaking the Page 6 news, but alludes to their having been ANOTHER teacher-student incident involving Serena, back when she was in boarding school.  Juliet threatens to leak this information to Columbia.  So, of course, Lily pays for Juliet’s silence.

Wait . . . correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t Juliet once mention that CRAZY BROTHER BEN was a teacher, before he landed himself in jail?

“That’s Professor Crazy Brother Ben to YOU!”

Is it possible that Ben taught at Serena’s boarding school, and something happened between them there that resulted in him being in jail, and brought about Psycho Stalker Juliet’s reign of terror on the Upper East Siders?

Don’t worry . . . it’s not a spoiler . . . just a conjecture.

Anywhoo . . . while shopping for a dress for the ball, Serena finds out that her mother has paid off Juliet.  Of course, Serena is WAY OFFENDED that her mom could POSSIBLY think SHE, of all people, would EVER sleep around with an older man.  She tells her mom, as much.

“Sleep around?  Moi?  NEVER!”

After getting a text message from Blair on Serena’s phone about Girls, Inc., Vanessa is instructed to send Serena’s resume to Anne Archibald, despite Serena having promised she would not apply for the position.  In a futile attempt to get us to like her character more, Vanessa appears mildly troubled by the EVIL TASK she is supposed to perform.

“I am mildly troubled by the Evil Task I am supposed to perform.”

And yet, after Juliet tells Vanessa what a LAME SUPER VILLAIN she is, and how the Raccoon Zombie is TOTALLY kicking her ass in terms of pure evilness, the Bohemian Brooklynite ends up sending the resume, anyway .  . .

In the final Pre-Party Phase of the “Bring Down Serena” plan of action, the Triumverate of Evil conveniently receive a Gossip Girl Blast showing the girls EXACTLY what Serena will be wearing to the Masquerade Ball . . .

Ummm . . . Serena?   You are on a public city street entering a CAB!  Is the mask really necessary?

“Take off your clothes, and get out your credit card,” demands Jenny of Juliet, upon reading the blast.

“Not to be nitpicky or anything.  But aren’t you supposed to pay ME for this sort of thing?”

Elsewhere in Town . . .

 . . . Blair is SO touched, when she learns that Chuck has arranged for the best chefs in New York City to cater for her “Denounce Chuck Bass” Meeting with the folks from Girls, Inc., that she dashes off to the party (wearing nothing but slinky red lingerie) to give him an impromptu screw thank you.

EVIL comes to the Saints and Sinners Ball . . .

Wearing a refreshingly minimal amount of eye makeup, Jenny (see, I will call her by her real name . . . for now) and Juliet arrive at the Masquerade Ball wearing hooded capes, underneath which, both are clad in . . . you guessed it . . . Serena’s dress . . .

A masked Juliet enters the party first, and uses the name of a not-yet-arrived Serena to gain admittance.  So, of course, when the REAL Serena arrives at the party, she is initially not allowed in by the Dumb Doorman, who CLEARLY doesn’t read Page Six! 

Unfortunately, for Serena, she only carries around her driver’s license when she’s “shopping for a car,” so, she has no immediate way of proving she is who she says she is.  It must be nice to be clearly underage, and yet NEVER get carded in New York City.  And yet, I’m willing to bet Serena will CHANGE her views on carrying identification AFTER the night she’s about to have . . .

(To be honest, I’m not really sure HOW Jenny got into the party.  I highly doubt Chuck would put her on the list, and Juliet already used Serena’s name.  It’s possible they explained this during the episode, but I totally missed it.)

So, of course, Evil Serena Doppelgangers, Juliet and Jenny, start wreaking havoc on Serena’s love life.  When one of them kisses Dan passionately on the mouth . . .

 . . . I worry, for a second, that it’s his SISTER, Jenny!

But then I realize it’s probably Juliet, and I calm down a bit.  I do, however, think Jenny (dressed as Serena) kisses Nate . . .

 . . . which is kind of ironic, especially considering that THIS EXACT SCENARIO, has happened between these two once before . . .

You’d think Nate would learn by now.  Then again, he’s not that bright . . .

(By the way, have you checked out the HAIR on these girls, in the above pictures?  Question: If YOU were attending a hot sexy masquerade ball, wouldn’t YOU think to . . . you know . . . run a comb through your mop, first?  Then again, Serena and her hairbrush have never exactly been “friends.”  So, perhaps, they were just playing the part . . .)

Going to Hell in a Handbag . . . and LOVING EVERY MINUTE

While Taylor Momsen’s band, “Pretty Reckless,” belts out “Make Me Wanna Die” in the background (a song, which I shudder to admit, I’ve grown to appreciate, ever since they used it in The Vampire Diaries’ Season Premiere Promo), Blair locates Chuck at the party, in a clandestine area, behind a rather large, conveniently-placed curtain. 

“If the words you said were true, I’d want to know,” says Blair, clearly referring to Chuck’s orgasmic “I love you,” from earlier in the episode.

“I meant it.  I meant it with all my heart,” replies Chuck.

The enchanted looks exchanged by these two, when Chuck finally admits his love for Blair are literally enough to take my breath away.  Kudos to Chuck for manning up  about his true feelings WAY quicker than I expected him to do so!  “Are you going to say something?”  Chuck asks, smiling slightly, but, perhaps, a bit nervous as well . . .

“I will . . . I do,” replies Blair.

“AWWWW YEAH!  She sooooooo LOVES ME!”

“We can’t have everything,” says Chuck, illustrating his willingness to give up his Bad Boy image for Blair.

Then, suddenly, someone, who looks suspiciously like Serena, emerges from the shadows.

Silently NotSerena yanks down the curtain, revealing Chuck and Blair to the crowd . . . well . . . at least revealing them to the people in the front row.  To everyone else, they probably just looked like ants . . .

Honestly, the initial reveal struck me as kind of ho hum.  After all, there could be any of a million ways in which savvy schemers like Chuck and Blair could have explained away their mere presence behind that curtain.  But then, count on Chuck and Blair to make an otherwise lame reveal TOTALLY AWESOME!

“Let’s go down in flames together,” says Chuck to a beaming Blair, as he pulls her in for a deep passionate kiss . . .

Now THIS is something that cannot be explained away to a watching crowd . . .

And apparently, Chuck’s party has the WORST GUARDED guest list in town, because who shows up to conveniently witness the whole Makeout Session, but Bastion of Society / Wife of a Convict Anne Archibald.

And Anne has plenty to say about how Blair has RUINED her chances of being a Girls, Inc. girl, by publicly making out with Chuck.  Apparently, the “modern-thinking” Anne believes that women are a reflection of the men they are with.  And I agree.  Anne Archibald is definitely a reflection of Nate’s Convict Dad! 

Before stalking off in a dramatic Botox-infused huff, Anne tells Blair to tell Serena that she’s not Girls, Inc. material either.  (Yeah, way to be professional Anne!  Have one candidate reject another candidate for you, at a SAINTS AND SINNERS PARTY!) 

Now, of course, Blair assumes that Serena exposed her and Chuck, so that she would have a leg up on Blair in being the next Girls, Inc. girl.  And Blair is PISSED!  In fact, she is SO PISSED that she may very well throw Serena in that fountain again . . .

Meanwhile, Chuck’s P.R. Gal, K.C., surprisingly, is THRILLED with how well the public has responded to Chuck’s recent dalliance with Blair.  She claims it provides a good contrast to the SUPER HEDONIST persona Chuck exhibited during the party, by giving him heart.  “Maybe we can have everything,” says Chuck.

“I can’t,” pouts Blair.

Outside the party, Chuck tells Blair that he wants to build a future with her.  Blair wistfully replies that, for now, she needs to follow her heart.  “I have to be Blair, before I can be Chuck Bass’ girlfriend,” she insists.

Given all that these two have been through in the past few weeks, the above exchange was incredibly sad, and more than a bit depressing.  And yet, the conlusion of the scene leaves us with hope for this star-crossed couple. 

“I love you,” says Chuck.

“I love you too,” says Blair.  “I don’t expect you to wait.”

“When two people are meant to be together, they eventually find their way back,” answers Chuck.

“Do you really believe that?”  Blair asks.

“I do,” answers Chuck.

“Me too,” says Blair, smiling sadly, as she chastely touches her fingers to his lips, before exiting stage left.

You know what?  I think these two are going to be OK!

But you know who might NOT be OK?

Serena’s Up Sh*t’s Creek, without a Paddle

Our girl Serena is having a VERY BAD NIGHT.  First she got reamed out by Blair.  Then she got dumped by BOTH Nate and Dan, who left the party together to have sex play video games.  To top it off, Psycho Stalker Juliet, unbeknownst to EVEN Jenny and Vanessa, roofied Serena’s mask, and carried the poor girl, (who promptly passed out) into a limo, which she rode back to her place. 

Did I mention Juliet TEXTED the Dean, as Serena ,to tell her that Serena had WITHDRAWN from Columbia.  Yeah . . . I said TEXTED.  Because, apparently, permanent exit from a prestigious Ivy League school is just a few cell phone button pushes away . . .

Ridiculousness of the whole “Drop Out by Text” Thing aside, I’m actually really worried about our girl, Serena.  Because that Juliet is clearly WAY more disturbed than any of us originally suspected . . .

Man, this show is getting good . .  .

XOXO

[www.juliekushner.com]

“Think with your Brain. Not your . . . Macaroon!” – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Juliet Doesn’t Live Here Anymore”

“But I LOVE Macaroons!”

Is it possible?  Could this week’s GG installment actually top last week’s?  How could that POSSIBLY BE — when last week’s episode featured Chuck and Blair having HOT HATE SEX ON THE PIANO?

Oh, but it DID, Gossip Girl fans!  It absolutely did!  Because that AWESOME Piano Sex we all got so excited about last week?  As it turns out, that was ONLY THE BEGINNING!  In fact “Juliet Doesn’t Live Here Anymore” was so racy (in a GOOD way), that it made “War at the Roses,” look like a Disney Cartoon . . .

Well . . . maybe not Aladdin.  That Jasmine girl?  Yeah, she’s a little bit slutty . . .

Oh . . . and Serena’s storyline wasn’t half bad, either . . .

So, what are we WAITING FOR, GG’ers?  Let’s get our “CHAIR” on!

“Someone’s been sleeping in MY bed!  And he’s STILL HERE!”

A couple episodes back, Gossip Girl began with Blair having a “nightmare,” in which she “thought” that Chuck was attacking her in the darkness of her home.  This week, that nightmare CAME TRUE!

The episode opens with Serena storming into Blair’s bedroom, first thing in the morning, to gripe about her “Colin Problem.”

“Oh, it’s so HARD . . . loving my teacher, and not being able to screw him, or take him to the Ballet.  I’ve always wanted to bone at a ballet!  Blah, blah, blah, I’m so irresistible to all men.  Woe is me,” Serena babbles.

 Now, while the “Colin Problem” sounded TOTALLY snoozy and annoying to me, I am not Serena’s best friend, Blair is.  So, I must admit, I was a bit surprised by the callous way Queen B blew off her “friend in need” in this first scene  It just seemed SO unlike her . . .

But then Serena left, and I noticed a little extra “bump” in Blair’s bed.  It was almost as if something or someone was hiding under the covers  . . .

OK . . . where can I get me one of THOSE?

Kudos to Chuck for NOT going for the way-too-easy (and undeniably creepy) threesome joke he could have made, regarding his “accidental” sharing of the bed, with BOTH Blair AND Serena.  We all know that Season 1 Chuck would have TOTALLY made such a comment.  So, it’s good to see how much our Big Bass has grown, since this series started (in more ways than ONE!)

Chuck Bass: A “HEAD” above all the rest . . .

Blair insists that this most recent sexual rendezvous between the two “sworn enemies” will be their last one . . .   And, if you believe that, I have a pet Raccoon Zombie I will selling, over the internet, shortly following this recap.

There she is!

( Coincidentally, if you are interested in owning your very own pet Raccoon Zombie, please let me know, in the Comments section.)

“What if Someone Sees?”

BLAIR:  “If screwing on a plane puts you in the Mile High Club?  What does screwing on a subway get you?”

CHUCK:  “A bad case of whiplash?”

Who says you can’t learn about local news from watching Gossip Girl?  When Chuck runs into Nate, just outside Blair Waldorf’s house, Nate notes that Chuck has been MIA for THREE WHOLE DAYS!

“Wait to GO, BLAIR!”

Chuck’s explanation as to why he has been so “absent,” of late?  This past Sunday’s New York Marathon, of couse!   According to Chuck, he has been helping the runners to get screwed, like they’ve never been screwed before “warm up” for the Big Race.

All of the people in this picture would like to thank Chuck Bass for his . . . umm . . . support . . . during the hours leading up to their Marathon.  Way to take one for the team, Chuck  (or should I say “take 1,000”)!

 Meanwhile, Nate is headed to Juliet’s place, to return some of her things, and, thereby, get “closure.”  (I wonder if Nate’s idea of “closure” is the same as Chuck’s.  For Juliet’s sake, I sure hope so!)

“Yeeee Hawwww, Juliet!  It’s time to close this relationship DOWN . . . using my lasso . . .  and my ‘Mechanical Bull.'” 😉

But while Chuck is chatting with Nate, he spies Blair, off in the distance.  And so, he makes an abrupt exit, running toward Blair with the verve of all those Marathon runners he claimed to be screwing.

Chuck grabs Blair’s hand amorously, with an eye toward continuing their own PERSONAL marathon.  But Blair hesitates.  “What if someone sees us?”  Queen B inquires nervously.

“What you don’t like that, anymore?”  Chuck asks. 

(OMG!  How could you NOT love these two?)

When Blair suggests that their sexcapades end “here,” Chuck replies, “How about over there?”

Within minutes, the two are arm and arm, and heading down BELOW . . . if you catch my drift!

As it turns out, Blair’s fears weren’t completely unfounded.  HOURS later (well . . . . maybe it was minutes . . . but a girl can dream, can’t she? ;)), when Blair and Chuck emerge from underground, they are spotted by Serena and Colin, who are sharing a cab to “class,” and planning a romantic weekend getaway together (Riiight, because that’s what all students and teachers who are NOT involved in an illicit relationship do together.)  . . .

Colin just so happened to be fully clothed at the time . . . BUMMER!

Also around to catch both Chuck and Blair AND Serena and Colin, in the midst of their respective illicit rendezvous, was Dorky Dan — who without his Georgina / Baby Daddy storyline — has ONCE AGAIN been reduced to pining over Serena for episodes on end . . .

“It’s not easy being this lame.  It takes a LOT of practice . . .”

Even though Dan does NOT actually go to Columbia, (Though, honestly, you could have FOOLED me, for all the time he spends there . . .) he instantly recognizes Colin as being a professor there.  (Sorry . . . “Guest Lecturer.”)  This is because Dan “just so happened” to be reading the dude’s book, (and staring at his sexy portrait on the back) at the time of the sighting.  What are the odds, right? 🙂

And the Plot Thickens . . .

“So, THAT’s why they titled this episode that way!  It all makes so much more sense now!”

When Nate arrives at Juliet’s “home,” he is surprised to find out, from the doorman, that she not only “doesn’t live [there] anymore,” she “NEVER lived there EVER.” 

Meanwhile, at Juliet’s REAL Rathole of a Studio Apartment, she is home, playing on a surprisingly nice laptop for a “poor girl.”  On said laptop is some home- made soft core porn featuring, you guessed it: Colin and Serena.  And they are . . . wait for it . . .

Kissing?

LAMEST SEX TAPE EVER!  Come ON, Juliet!  I expected MUCH better from a girl who used to be on Melrose Place . . . 

Upon viewing the tape (and re-viewing it, and re-viewing it, and -re-viewing it . . . never mind that it features her very own COUSIN!), Juliet contacts the Dean of Columbia to set up a meeting, so the pair can discuss this “INTENSE” video.

“Hmmm . . . maybe I should send this hot Kissing Video over to my brother in the Pokey.  Lord knows THOSE GUYS are hard up for some cheap entertainment!”

Why Serena NEVER has a tanline . . .

“Tans are for PRUDES!”

“Ummm . . .  honey, I beg to differ.”

Back at La Casa de Waldorf, Serena and Blair confront each other about what and who they’ve been doing lately.  “It was a one time thing,” insists Blair regarding her “happy times” with Chuck, “OK .  . . a five time thing . . . OK so I lost count of how many times this ‘thing’ was.  But we are Enemies with Benefits!  There are no more feelings between Chuck and I, than there are thoughts in Levi Johnston’s head.”

(Now Blair . . . that’s not very nice!  Levi Johnston has LOTS of thoughts in his head.  They just all have to do with his nuts . . .)

Pistachio nuts, of course!

Still Serena Killjoy does not approve.  She is fully convinced that ANY emotions that grow between Blair and Chuck, even ones of hatred, can only lead to trouble.

And by “trouble,” she of course means “tons of fun!”

Fortunately, for Blair, she hasn’t been the only one misbehaving of late.  “You are one inappropriate relationship away from a Guinness Book World Record,” Blair argues, adeptly changing the subject.

When Serena stupidly brings up the idea of her and Colin going on vacation together to “just talk,” Blair is appalled!

“I am APPALLED!”

You see, Serena has NO WILLPOWER on vacations.  That’s why she NEVER HAS A TANLINE.  Get it?  Apparently, Serena should take a page from Blair’s book, and start having sex in random sunny places, STAT . . . but . . . just . . . not with Colin . . . because that’s WRONG!  Right?

 Juliet Gets Caught in her 85,000th Lie by Nate.  Meanwhile, Vanessa Tags Along on Another Storyline, in which she has NO BUSINESS BEING!

Was it just me?  Or did this part of the episode give you a MASSIVE case of deja vu?  Tired of being lied to by the girlfriend who dumped him, Nate is determined to find answers!  (Riiiiiiight!  I don’t know about you, but I stalk ALL MY EX BOYFRIENDS, particularly when I find out information confirming that I dodged a bullet, by breaking up with them.)

“Wait . . . are you being sarcastic?  Because I actually do that . . . stalk all my ex-girlfriends, I mean  . . . at least the ones that are ‘series regulars.’  None of this ‘Special Guest Star’ B.S.  Sorry, Joanna Garcia and that Cougar I banged for a while, in Season 2!”

Since the rest of the Scooby Gang (well, except for Dan . . . but he doesn’t count) are busy “gettin busy,” Nate visits his Partner of Last Resort, Vanessa.

Vanessa is so excited that Nate is actually talking to her and that her character has more than three lines this episode, that she completely forgets the fact that he regularly ditches her for EVERY OTHER female character on this show, (EVEN JENNY), and has basically treated her like TOTAL CRAP for the past Season and a half.  Nate wants to spy on Juliet.  AndVanessa wants to “clear her name,” regarding the whole Serena “sex-for-grades” frame-up she supposedly orchestrated, a few episodes back.

And that was how the Hottie and the Nottie joined forces.  Vanessa finds Juliet’s actual address, while Nate talks his Ex up to “distract her.”  While Nate is talking to Juliet, she admits how very, very POOR she is.  So poor, in fact, that: (1) her cousin pays for her VERY EXPENSIVE college education; (2) she lives in a studio apartment near Harlem; (3) she does her own hair (FOR SHAME!): (4) and she shops at WOODBURY COMMON!

WTF, Gossip Girl!  I got some of my favorite outfits from Woodbury Common!  That place is awesome!   I’m impressed Nate even knows where it is!

So, now, despite the fact that Nate has already caught Juliet lying about: (1) her brother in prison; (2) her trying to get Serena kicked out of Hamilton House; (3) where she lives; (4) and how she pays for school, Nate is so touched by Juliet’s “I’m Just a Poor Girl, Nobody Loves Me,” story, that he decides to give Juliet a second chance . . .

Ummm . . . second?  Apparently, it wasn’t Nate’s “counting” abilities that got him into Columbia.  Oh, and correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t Juliet dump Nate this last time?

Anyway, Nate decides to start of this “second chance,” by inviting Juliet to the Lame Ass Ballet that will function as this episodes main “Party of Plot Development and Hijinks.”  He texts Vanessa, to tell her that the “raid” is off.  However, Vanessa has already found the video of Colin’s and Serena’s VERY soft core porn on Juliet’s computer.  And now she just can’t stop watching . . .

“This is the most action I’ve seen ALL SEASON!”

Dan’s “Mad Face” = Total Relationship Killer

Dan finds Serena (studying?), and lays on her one of his most intense stares . . .  “Uh oh!  Why are you giving me Mad Face?”  Serena inquires, nervously.

“Mad Face?  Who me?  I don’t know what you’re talking about!  I always look like this!”

Dan admits that he saw Serena getting out of her Professor’s cab, and he didn’t like it.  Serena tries to smooth things over, asserting that they are “waiting” until the class is over to “do it.”  Isn’t that “romantic?”

Honestly?  This guy could SNEEZE, and it would be “romantic.”

Hoping to go all judgy-judgy on Serena’s as,s for screwing The Teach, Dan is a bit taken back, by his Slutty Ex’s Anomalous Abstinence.  And so, he starts REALLY laying it on thick.  Dan tells Serena that if HE was her boyfriend HE would do anything for her, INCLUDING quit a teaching position at Columbia to be with her.  After all, SERENA is worth more than the cost of a “Guest Lecture Fee.”

(Yeah . . . way to be subtle O’ Danny Boy!)

And yet, perhaps, I was too quick to rank on Dorky Dan’s Mad Lady Skills.  Because, about two scenes later, Serena DUMPS that Hot (and Rich) Piece of Meat, Colin, and instead decides to go to the ballet with . . Dan?

“Oh yeah!  I’m a stud!  You know it!”

Immersion Therapy versus Detox –  You all KNOW which one I’m ROOTING FOR!

Thank you, Episode 8, and CWTV.com for providing me the HOTTEST new collection of Chuck Bass screencaps, EVER!  (See example, above.)

I must admit, I literally squealed with joy, when I learned that Chuck and Blair opted to have their “last” sexual encounter in the exact same place where they had their first, namely, the back seat of a limo.  However, I must say, I was a bit disappointed that we didn’t actually get to see the encounter this time . . .  So, I guess we will just have to settle for this . . .

You’re welcome.

Unfortunately, for Chuck and Blair, they aren’t always the greatest at communicating.  As a result, each had VERY DIFFERENT ideas about how to finally END their sexual relationship.  For Blair, it was all about DETOX.  She commandeered poor Dorota, to keep her from seeing Chuck AT ALL during the next 24 hours.

“Oof!  I can already tell I’m not going to like this job . . .”

As for Chuck, he preferred more of an IMMERSION therapy — namely, ALL SEX, ALL THE TIME for 24-hours, or until they got “sick of it” (like THAT would ever happen), whichever came first.

Now, you all know how much I LOVE my Chuck.  So, I hope you all don’t take this the wrong way.  But was I the ONLY one REALLY creeped out by the way Chuck instructed his limo driver to pick up TONS OF CONDOMS in preparation for his NONSTOP SEX SESSION with Blair? 

Umm . . . ever heard of a thing called “privacy,” Chuck?  Perhaps, it wasn’t Chuck’s words that made me so uncomfortable, but the SUPER DISTURBING way the cab driver leered at Chuck  when he said them.  That made me throw up in my mouth a little bit . . .

Anywhoo . . . Blair’s idea of detox mainly involved “thinking with her brain, not her macaroon, as she told Serena, later that evening.  Basically, this plan constituted a LOOOOOONG bath . . .

 . . . and EATING . . . lots and lots of EATING.

Honestly, I don’t think I’ve seen Blair Waldorf eat as much in FOUR SEASONS, as I saw her eat, during this episode.  It was kind of refreshing, actually.  I’m guessing that all that sex she was having with Chuck, probably burned those macaroons RIGHT OFF! 

Throughout Blair’s LOOOOOONG bath, we see her repeatedly ignore phone calls from Chuck (31, to be exact).  And then, just when it seems like she’s “chucked chuck” for good, Blair reenters her room, and finds a little “present” in her bed.

Make that a nice BIG present . . .

Just as Blair’s resolve is about to crack, Dorota screams out NOOOOOOOOO! And promptly sends Blair off for her date to The Ballet with . . . Professor Colin Forrester?

As Blair rushes to meet her TOTALLY RANDOM date, Chuck eyes Dorota suspciously. 

“If KGB can’t get me to talk, Chuck Bass has no chance,” insists Dorota.

(Anyone know where I can find my own Dorota?  I can think of a lot of situations where this would come in VERY handy, indeed . . .)

In Other Home Invasion News . . .

 . . . Juliet returns home, to find a Creepy Vanessa lounging on her bed.  Temporarily forgetting that it was Juliet who set Vanessa up, as being the person who “framed” Serena for exchanging “grades for sex,” Vanessa has since decided that she now wants to JOIN FORCES with Juliet, to bring down Serena. 

“Come to the Dark Side, Juliet!  Oh . . . wait . . . I guess you are kind of already there.”

The only problem is that, now, Juliet’s all lovey dovey with Nate, and doesn’t want to go through with the whole “Screw Over Serena” Thing.  Not ready to give up just yet, Vanessa snatches up a USB drive containing the incriminating footage, and heads off to “The Ballet.”

At the Ballet

When Dan arrives at The Ballet to meet up with Serena, rather than going right over to her, he inexplicably stands still and leers at her from far away. 

“Clearly, this is all part of my master plan.  Why else would I do something so stupid?”

While Dan is waiting for puberty to hit, Blair learns that Colin quit his teaching job to be with Serena.  Her faith restored in Mankind (well, at least the part of mankind she ISN’T sleeping with on a regular basis), Blair decides to be the “good friend,” and reunite Colin and Serena.

It doesn’t take very long at all, for this to happen.

Sorry Dan!  It looks like the early bird gets the slut Serena!

Once she is safely alone, Chuck approaches Blair, and asks her to meet him in a phone booth?

“This sounds like a job for SUPER CHUCK!”

OK . . . do they even HAVE phonebooths in New York, anymore?  Because I’ve never seen one . . .

Meanwhile, Vanessa tries to paw off the USB drive containing the not-so-sexy vid on the Dean of Columbia U, when Juliet stops her.

But then Vanessa quickly convinces Juliet of the “error of her ways,” by telling Juliet that she will always be an outsider to this Upper East Side crew.  Therfore, she might as well join up with Vanessa’s LOSER CREW OF TWO, ASAP.

Juliet agrees, and ends up giving the USB drive to the Dean herself, pointing out that the folks in it, are none other than Serena and her very own cousin (and mealticket) Colin.  In my ABSOLUTE favorite part of this scene, Vanessa tries to interject some useless information into the conversation, and the Dean replies, “I’m sorry, but who are YOU?”

(Yes, Dean, we’ve ALL been trying to figure that out, for a REALLY long time now. . . )

When the Dean confronts Colin and Serena, Colin is already sort of off the hook, since he’s already resigned his position as faculty member at the school.  Being the good guy that he is, Colin refuses to implicate Serena in his “Sex Madness.”  But the Dean insists that she will HAVE to investigate Serena, based on past claims of “sex-for-grades” that were made against her.

That’s when Chuck and Blair come to the rescue!

Blair surprises us all, by risking everything for her best friend.  First, she snatches the USB drive from the Dean’s hand, and tosses it into her champagne, ruining it irreparably.   She then states that SHE, and NOT SERENA, was the one screwing Colin.  (I loved the little smirk Colin made, when she said this.  Colin is really enjoying himself, isn’t he?)

Chuck chimes in to confirm Blair’s involvement.  “I would know because I keep tabs on every man Blair sleeps with, because I’m insanely jealous.  Also, I heard he wasn’t satisfying her in the way that ONLY I can.”

So true, Chuck!  So VERY true!

In the end, the Poor Dean is just totally fed up with this crew of Upper East Side Looney Tunes.  And, without any evidence of the scandal in question, there’s really nothing she can do to Serena or Colin. 

After the whole “scandal” is over, Colin cuts off Juliet’s finances (DUH!), and Blair and Co., banish her from Columbia FOREVER (Not like she can afford to be there anymore, anyway. . .)

And they all lived happily ever after?  Well . . . not quite yet . . .

The Aftermath . . .

In the limo coming home from The Ballet, Serena inexplicably dumps THIS GUY. . .

 . . . (WHO LEFT HIS JOB FOR HER) . . . for THIS GUY . . .

(WHO DIDN’T).

But then, while she’s waiting for Dan, so she can tell him the “Good News,” Serena runs into THIS GUY . . .

 . . . who . . . SURPRISE, SURPRISE . . . is in love with her too!  Now, Serena is confused as to who she should choose . . . AGAIN. 

Seriously?  This girl goes through lovers, like the rest of us go through pairs of underwear . . .

MAKE UP YOUR MIND ALREADY, SERENA . . . Blair did. 🙂

Back at La Casa de Waldorf . . .

 . . .  Chuck and Blair finally admit that they are friends (?)  And, though we all know they are so much more, it’s really nice to see the weeks (months?) of hatred between them just wash away.  “Who knew it would take tons of sex, and a public take down, for us to get here?”   Blair asks brightly.

“Good night, Waldorf,” says Chuck, a bit wistfully.

The pair hug eachother tightly, then kiss eachother chastely.  Then, very slowly, they begin to kiss eachother more passionately . .  . MUCH more passionately.  Next thing you know, Chuck has literally swept Blair off her feet, and is effortlessly carrying her toward the stairs . . .

The pair engage in SCORCHING SEX, in front of the fire.  But this time is different from all those other times, earlier in the episode.  No longer can Chuck and Blair hide behind the protective shield of Hate Sex.  Because this time . . . they are truly  . . . making  . .  .  LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!

And the episode should have ended here . . . really . . . but it didn’t.

In the FINAL scene, we see Juliet and Vanessa cyberchatting with a familar face . . . someone who “really understands” what they both are going through . . . someone who KEEPS SAYING she’s going to be above the fray, and not get involved .  . .  but keeps GETTING INVOLVED AGAIN, AND AGAIN! 

You guessed it.   Next week’s episode will feature Juliet and Vanessa teaming up with . . . 

Jenny the Raccoon Zombie!

And that, my dear friends, was how the Triumverate of EVIL was born!

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com]

The Taming of the Screwed – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “War at the Roses”

OMFG! 

Three words.  Ten letters.  HOT . . . HATE .  . . SEX.

This week, sexually frustrated Gossip Girl fans everywhere FINALLY got the vicarious release they’ve all been waiting for, since the Season 4 premiere.

There’s nothing like a little Birthday Sex, to kick off your twenties with a BANG!

So, now that we’ve all been . . . ahem . . . satisfied . . . let’s take a look back at how everything “went down,” shall we?

“Coffee is the thing you pay for, before you go have sex.”

Come on, Gossip Girl writers!  How naive do you think WE ARE?  A Celibate Serena?  Talk about an Oxymoron!  I mean that would be like a Classy Jenny . . .

. . . or an Interesting Vanessa . . .

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz . . . .  Sorry.  I just fell asleep looking at that picture . . .

Anyway, everyone KNOWS that Serena is absolutely incapable of withholding sex from a man.  Might I remind you of the widespread panic that took over Manhattan a few weeks back, when Serena was thought to have an STD?

Nonetheless, this week, we are led to believe that Serena is preserving her nonexistent“virtue” with Professor Colin . . .

 . . . at least, until she completes his course in Tantric Sex Psychology of Marketing.  And so, the couple-supposedly-yet-to-“couple” meets each morning for “coffee and conversation.”  However, since the only words Serena knows how to “converse” with end in “_uck,” “_crew,” and “_ang,” these sessions never seem to last more than a few minutes . . .

When Serena tells Blair about her hot and foamy rendezvous with Professor Sugar, No Cream, Queen B is “morally aghast” (as she is about once per episode) with her friend’s teacher-mounting ways . . .

“I am morally aghast!”

“Coffee is the thing you pay for, before you go and have sex,” lectures Blair (and she would know . . .).

Blair wisely instructs Serena that she should stop licking cream off her Studly Business Professor, if she cares at all about her education.  Not liking Blair’s advice one bit, Serena (who’s obviously a MORON, and clearly has selective amnesia), seeks comfort from the girl trying to RUIN HER LIFE, Juliet . . .

“This is just too friggin EASY!”

Upon learning that Serena is “involved” with her professor, Juliet immediately recognizes an opportunity to bring about Blondie’s downfall.  And so, Juliet “kindly” suggests to Serena that if the Professor is not getting his “cream and sugar” from Serena, he is most certainly getting it from somewhere else.  As if on cue, Serena spies Colin escorting a rather attractive woman out of her cab, and into his house.

“I am so spitting this FOAM in your FACE, the next time I see you, Professor Scumbucket!”

A perturbed Serena stomps right up to Colin’s door, ready to catch him in the act.   However, when she gets inside, Serena sees that the Professor’s “lady friend” is wearing an apron and carrying a broom. 

“Oh, Professor!  You are such a Dirty Boy!  A nice sponge bath will clean you right up!”

Somehow, Colin manages to convince Serena that the lady currently “cleaning his clock” and “dusting his balls trophies” is his housekeeper, and not his lover .  . .  Nonethless, Serena, recognizing the extent of her own jealousy (but not her idiocy), decides to put a stop to “Office Hours” and “Coffee Time” with Professor Maid Humper until the end of the semester.

And yet, avoiding Professor Stud Muffin will be easier said than done — especially when both he and Serena are scheduled to attend Blair’s 20th Birthday party, the following evening  . . .

Speaking of things that are easier said than done . . .

“I guess this is goodbye.”

Not believing their friends Chuck and Blair to be capable of staying “true” to their “truce” on their own, Nate and Serena agree to put aside their own differences, and broker a “Peace Treaty” between the uncoupled- couple. 

CHUCK: “In the spirit of peace, if you give me the Standard on weeknights, I will give you The Carlyle for the entire Christmas Season.”

BLAIR:  “Done.  But I want an addendum that you can’t bed hostesses from the roster of restaurants I frequent.”

While the words coming out of our hero’s and heroine’s mouths are pure business, their body language is a bit more . . . suggestive.  Lips are licked.  Collars are fidgeted with.  Fingers are ran through hair.  Legs are crossed and uncrossed.  Necks and chins are stroked amorously. 

Oh, yes, boys and girls!  There is some SERIOUS sexual tension in the air!  “There is just one last point to negotiate . . . in private.  Attorneys, you are dismissed,” Blair says pointedly, throwing serious F*ck Me Eyes in Chuck’s direction.

(Photo provided by ChuckandBlairthePerfectPair  – check them out for all the latest GG promos, stills, production intel and spoilers!)

Unfortunately, we don’t get to see what went on between Chuck and Blair during the last few moments of Treaty Negotiations.  (I, personally, like to imagine them cementing the terms of their agreement, by screwing like bunnies . . .

 . . . but that’s just me.)

The next time we see Chuck and Blair, they are leaving the “conference” and heading toward their respective limosines.

“I guess this is goodbye,” says Chuck, with more than a bit of uncertainty, as he extends his  hand for Blair to shake.

Blair begins to reach for Chuck’s hand as well.  Then, remembering the electric current of sexuality that coursed through her veins the LAST TIME she shook Chuck’s hand, she thinks better of it.  “Let us not forget about Article 19.  No touching,” concludes Blair, with a certainty she does not feel.

With a wistful look in eachother’s direction, the two slowly part from one another, and withdraw to their respective vehicles.

Meanwhile, in Dorky Dan Land . . .

Dan’s Lame Attempt at Vengeance #1

Poor Dan!  He tries so hard to be one of the gang, with his snoozy relationship troubles, droll one-liners, and feeble attempts to be Bad Ass.  And yet, he fails miserably every time.

Annoyed that last week’s rendezvous with Chuck andBlair has left Little J cowering in a trash can, like the Raccoon Zombie she is . . .

 . . . and concerned that Jenny’s hermit-like tendencies will keep his father and stepmother from celebrating their first anniversary in style, Dan (with the help of Mini van der Woodsen) . . .

“Do you think, maybe, sometime this Season, someone can write me a storyline that’s not . . . you know .  . . TOTALLY LAME?”

 . . . develops a Dastardly Scheme of Revenge.

(And by “Dastardly” I mean, “Uninspired and Incredibly Stupid”)

Dan decides to . . . SEND A FAKE POST TO GOSSIP GIRL ABOUT BLAIR SUPPOSEDLY SLEEPING WITH JACK BASS, WHILE SUMMERING IN FRANCE!

Wait . . . that was it?  That was the entire plan?  Silly, Dan!  Fake blasts to Gossip Girl are SO Season 1 . . .

Anyway, Dan hopes that Chuck will be SO MAD about this fake blast, that it will send him running right into the waiting arms of Jenny . . .

OK, first of all .  . . EWWWW!  And, second of all, wasn’t Jenny’s illicit relationship with Chuck what started all these problems, in the first place?

What ON EARTH would make Dan think that this was a good idea?

When Dan arrives at Chuck’s house, he is surprised to find Chuck having tea with . . . none other than Blair Waldorf, herself.

After weeks of seeing these two spar AGAINST one another, it was nice to see Blair and Chuck have a little fun together at Dorky Dan’s expense.  As it turns out, Blair and Chuck recognized the blast as a fake immediately, and met up to revise their treaty to include additional terms, which would govern the pair, in the event that such fake blasts occurred in the future. 

“Jack Bass wasn’t even in France this summer.  He was in Chile,” Blair says nonchalantly.

Chuck pauses at this.  “Wait . . . how did you know that?”   He asks.

And yet, he recovers quickly, in an attempt to exhibit a unified front, in the face of a ridiculous enemy.  “The intricacies of war games are too complex for a prole like you to fathom,” Chuck scoffs at Dorky Dan.

Blair, for her part, adds that she could care less what Dan’s Gothic Barbie sister does to try and undermine Chuck’s and Blair’s treaty.

I see a resemblance.  Don’t you?

To prove just how much she doesn’t care about Jenny, Blair boldly invites Chuck to her birthday party, right in front of Dan.  And Chuck agrees to attend.

Take THAT, Dan the Dipstick!

The Serena van der Woodsen Escort Service

While Dan is striking out with Chuck and Blair, Serena begins to worry that her plan to NOT screw Professor Sexy Pants will also fail miserably.  Dumbbell Serena decides that Psycho Stalker Juliet would be the “ideal candidate” to act as her Professor Buffer (How dirty does that sound?) at Blair’s party. She, therefore, invites the little wench to attend the affair as her date.

However, when Nate finds out about Serena plan, he offers to be the Buffer between his ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend.  It is important to note that, in doing this, Nate is taking the place of his other ex-girlfriend, who was supposed to the Buffer originally, while attending the party of a third ex-girlfriend (Blair).  AWKWARD!

“I treat my ladies like cowpoke at a Rodeo! Round em up.  And keep em in line!”

“You aren’t fighting with Mr. Chuck.  So, you fight with everybody else!’

If anyone really needs a Buffer, it’s Blair!  The girl has been running around like a chicken without a head, ALL AFTERNOON!  Poor Blair has been seriously fretting about her party, and whether it will allow her to make her mark in society, as a “powerful woman.” 

Incredibly stressed out, and bursting with sexual energy — as a result of her recent heated encounters with Chuck — Blair is being a total BIATCH to all her poor lowly servants, including the loveable Dorota.

“What’s going on with me?”  Blair asks her trusted friend (and slave) worriedly.

“You aren’t fighting with Mr. Chuck, so you are fighting with everybody else,” Dorota says decisively.

As it turns out, Blair would be better off using that pent-up energy to fight off Dorky Dan.  The pathetic loser has just stolen a copy of Blair’s and Chuck’s treaty from the moronic Nate.  Apparently, Nate the Nincompoop was dumb enough to leave the darn thing lying around, even though Chuck demanded it be “locked away in a safe . . .”

Sex, Lies, Videotape, and Family Members?

Blair isn’t the only one who is the subject of a revenge plot, this evening.  When Serena ditched Juliet for Nate, the Psycho Stalker rounded up an “alternate” date to Blair’s birthday party: namely, Professor Screws-a-Lot.

While “distracting” Serena from the Professor, Nate spies him engaged in a heated conversation with Juliet.  Nate then quickly becomes convinced that the Professor is two-timing Serena with his own ex-girlfriend.

When Nate confronts Juliet, she explains that Colin is her cousin, who has paid her way through school, and who she cares for deeply.  In talking with Nate, Juliet comes to realize that Colin is the Professor that Serena is dating. 

And we, as fans, come to realize that Colin might not be the manipulative scheming snake we originally thought he was, based on his suspicious conversations with Juliet last week.  This also means that Colin might . . . gasp . . . actually like Serena for her PERSONALITY!

Juliet calls Brother Ben in jail again to break the news to him.  (Seriously?  How much phone time does this guy get?  This must be the most LENIENT PRISON EVER!)

“Hey Juliet.  Listen, I’ve gotta go.  The strippers will be here any minute.”

Brother Ben who, oddly enough, looks like he’s lost a bit of hair, since last week’s episode (Comb over, much?), can clearly give two craps about whether Juliet’s screwing over Serena will, by extension, end up screwing over his own cousin.  “Get proof [that she’s boinking our cousin], and get Serena expelled,” Brother Ben demands.

In the next scene, we see that Serena has received a note from Colin telling her to meet him upstairs.  The couple rendezvous in her bedroom.  Things get pretty hot and heavy up there.   Personal space is invaded.  Fingers lightly probe body parts.  Eye F*cking occurs.  Shockingly, it’s Serena that puts a stop to it.

“What the heck is this?  Invasion of the Body Snatchers?   Who is this girl and what has she done with the Real Serena?”

“We’ve already gone farther than we should have,” says Serena.  “Old Me would have gone farther.  New Me wants to wait.”

I knew it!  I was right!  Serena’s TOTALLY been body snatched .  . . by some alien named NewMe!

Leaving Colin with a lingering goodbye kiss on the lips, Faux-Serena exits the bedroom, having, shockingly, never gone farther than first base with her new sweetheart.  Juliet creepily watches the events unfold in the window, from outside and below

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to anybody, except Juliet (and maybe Brother Ben), a camera, which Juliet(?) has planted inside Serena’s bedroom, most certainly catches one Hot and Bothered Professor tending to these . . .

Dan’s Lame Attempt at Vengeance #2

After Mini van der Woodsen wisely backs out of Team Doofus, Dan telephones some random company that does “roasts” and invites them over to Blair’s party to exhibit a “very special video” in Blair’s honor.  I was right there with Penelope and Blair’s minions, in hoping that Dan would embarrass Queen B in front of all those fancy people she invited to her party, by showing them something juicy like . . . say . . . a Chuck / Blair Sex Tape. 

That would have been HOT!

I should have known not to overestimate Dan’s abilities at .  . . well . . . doing anything.  What he actually ended up showing was an old video of Blair drunkenly singing “Stand By Your Man,” in a rather humorous fake southern accent, while Chuck tried in vain to pull her off the stage.

OOPS!

Despite my thinking that the video was (though mildly humorous) pretty unexiting, in terms of blackmail material, Blair was actually quite mortified by it.

Apparently, the disavowal of this tape was the “extra” treaty term that Chuck and Blair had sent Serena and Nate away to discuss earlier in the episode.  Blair rushes to turn off the video.  In doing so, she inadvertently knocks over fashion designer Rachel Zoe, who somehow ends up on the floor, covered in chocolate fudge.

“I’m MELTING!  I’m MELLLLTINNNNG!”

Mistakenly believing that Chuck was the only one who knew about the video, Blair immediately assumes that he is the one responsible.  Interestingly enough, despite being enraged at, and extremely hurt by, Chuck, it is at this moment that Blair admits something very heartfelt to him.  As it turns out, Blair only knew of Jack Bass’ whereabouts, because she had sent a private investigator to look for Chuck, while he was missing – despite he purported hatred for him during that time.

Chuck, understandably, seems touched by this admission.  “I hate being at peace with you, but I didn’t do this.  We have a Treaty,” he promises.

It is at this moment, that Dorky Dan, clearly proud of himself, comes clean about his “Dastardly Deeds.”

And honestly . . .  no one really cares that much . . . well almost no one . . .

Rufus and Lily quickly put Dan in his place, calling him out for what a Douchebag he’s always been become, since he’s started hanging with the Upper East Side Scooby Gang.  Like Goth Barbie / Raccoon Zombie before him, Dan begins to feel guilty for having stooped to Chuck’s and Blair’s level . . . . zzzzzzzzzzzzz. 

And I just put myself to sleep typing that sentence . . .

AND FINALLY .  . . THE GOOD STUFF!

After the party, a humiliated Blair has a heart-to-heart with her mother, about  . . . who else . . . Chuck.  “What I want is to be a powerful woman.  But Chuck makes me feel like a weak little girl.”

I have to say, the often absent and dismissive Eleanor surprised me this week, by giving Blair some pretty sound (not to mention, uncharacteristically, Pro-Chuck) advice.  “Sometimes you have to allow yourself to be weak, in order to become stronger.  You don’t have to lose the girl, to become a woman,” Eleanor concludes. 

Alone again and fortified by her mother’s encouraging words, Blair heads toward her bedroom.  However, before she reaches the stairs, she encounters a familiar face in her entrance foyer . . . it’s CHUCK!

“I just wanted to let you know that the treaty is off,” Chuck begins.

“Good.  The pretense of civility was exhausting,” Blair counters.

“We are not friends.  We don’t have to like eachother,” offers Chuck, his brow furrowed, fists clenched.

“I’ll never like you either,” seethes Blair, moving closer to Chuck.  “In fact, I hate you.”

“There’s a firery pit of hate inside of me, and it’s ready to explode,” counters Chuck, moving so close to Blair that their faces are almost touching.

Chuck then rips the treaty up right in front Blair.   Blair watches wide eyed, as Chuck grabs on to her shoulder.  He then yanks her closer to him, and . . . KISSES HER!

As music thunders in the background, Chuck and Blair start going at it, ferociously ripping one another’s clothes angrily, while hungrily probing eachothers’ bodies, and furiously making out.  Then, the camera starts to do strange and trippy things (which I DID NOT LIKE — don’t mess with CB SEX, you MEAN OLD CAMERA MAN!),

In the final moments of the episode, Chuck pushes Blair up against a piano, and proceeds to “hatefully” screw her brains out.  Man, I wishes someone “hated” me like that . . .

Tune in next week Chair fans, when, based on the promos, there will be PLENTY MORE where that came from! 

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com]

Nightmare on Blair’s Street – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Easy J”

Forget Paranormal Activity 2, THIS is the scariest sight I’ve seen ALL WEEK . . .

 .  . . and, apparently, I’m not the only one who thought so!

So, this is Halloween Week.  This tends to be the week when television shows try to add a little something “special” and “Halloweeny” to their episodes.  They do this, in a shallow attempt to SCARE THE BEJEEZUS OUT OF US!

Glee has the Rocky Horror Picture Show.  The Vampire Diaries has a Masquerade Ball and a Murderous Kat.  Gossip Girl has an Evil Raccoon Zombie with bad hair extensions . . .

But you want to know the SCARIEST THING about this episode?  During it, I actually .  . . gulp . . . didn’t mind . . . Jenny Humphrey!

OH THE HORROR!

Let’s get on to the recap, OK?

Wait Until Dark . . . Then Freak Out in the Morning

Yes, boys and girls.  Only Blair Waldorf wakes up in the morning with perfect makeup, flawless skin, and not a single hair out of place . . . B*TCH!

In anticipation of this upcoming episode, many of you might have had nightmares about Jenny Humphrey’s impending return to Gossip Girl.  Apparently, so did Blair.  When the episode opens, our Queen B is, once again, dreaming herself into an Audrey Hepburn movie.  Only, this time, it is not the Happy “Holly Go Lightly” Breakfast at Tiffany’s.  It’s . . . Wait Until Dark.

 LOVE THE HAIR . . . Blair!

In the dream sequence, a blind Blair (Wait . . . She was blind?  How did she SEE ANY OF THIS?) hears an intruder in her house, and becomes immediately convinced that it is Chuck Bass.  But, when the intruder attacks her from behind, Blair, in an attempt to defend herself, grabs a hold of something .  . . HAIR . . . long . . . grimy . . . stringy . . . despicable . . . HAIR.  My goodness!  Who could it possibly be?

Good guess . . . but I’m pretty sure it was Jenny Humphrey . . .

Meanwhile, across town, Serena is in bed with that Slutty Hot Guy who kept stealing her cab last week. 

Mommy Like!

Except . . . they are wearing clothes . . . A LOT OF CLOTHES.  You know what?  I don’t these two slept together . . .

Man, this episode is terrifying.  Clearly, this is a WORLD GONE MAD!

Anyway, Slutty (but not TODAY!) Serena sneaks out of Cab Guy’s apartment, because she doesn’t want to be like “all those other girls” she sees entering cabs from there, on “the morning after.”  (Yes, Serena.  Because Walks of Shame are SO much classier, than Cab Rides of Shame.  Good call, Girlfriend!)

“I am SMART!  S-M-R-T!”

But then, in a twist that shocked positively NO ONE, when Serena arrives at her “class,” which is Psychology of Business, or something . . .

(Wait . . . another business class?  What’s the matter?  Don’t any of you Gossip Girls like Science?  Or Math?  Or Underwater Basket Weaving?)

 . . . who is her new professor but, lo and behold, Cab Guy!

(I’m sure Columbia University is SO HAPPY to know that their prestigious faculty is being represented on this show as He Sluts and B*tchy Ladies who quit teaching because their  prospective Teaching Assistants fight over them . . .)

The Day Pass and the Dropped Class

Never one to disregard her Audrey Hepburn Dreams, Blair rushes to La Casa de Humphrey / van der Woodsen, and finds to no one’s surprise that Jenny Humphrey is there!

Queen B is just APPALLED that Evil Raccoon Zombie would have the GALL to disregard her Decree of Banishment, and show her mascara-stained face in Upper Manhattan.

“Off with her head!”

And yet, The Queen is feeling quite generous today.  Upon hearing that Jenny has an interview with Tim Gunn, for admittance into Parsons School of Design . . .

“Oooh Jenny!  That hair!  That MAKEUP!  This concerns me.  I’m very troubled . . .”

 . . . Blair offers Jenny a “Day Pass” from Queen B-sized torture.  The terms of said Day Pass are that (1) Jenny stays home all day; and (2) she ONLY leaves the house to attend her interview.

Now, is that not the sweetest thing you ever heard?  No?  Well, clearly you don’t understand the sheer magnificence that is Relative Kindness to Evil Raccoon Zombies!

“I’m so happy I could eat out of a garbage can!  Oh, wait . . . I always do that!”

Not that it matters, anyway.  We all know it isn’t going to last . . .

Meanwhile, Serena confronts Professor Cab Guy, and tells him that they should just be friends teacher / student, or whatever.  But then Professor Cab Guy starts laying it on really thick!  He’s all . . . “I CARE about you!  I think we could really HAVE something together.  You’re so smart and witty!  I have so many new and unusual STDs to give you.  But I can’t give you them, if we never screw!“

“I’m concerned.  This troubles me.  He’s just so full of sh*t!”

Ummm . . . yeah . . . the minute Professor Cab Guy (His name is “Colin” by the way.  I just like Professor Cab Guy, better . . .) started alluding to the fact that he was attracted to Serena, because she’s “smart” and has a “great personality,” we all should have IMMEDIATELY known something was up . . .

But, alas, Serena is actually deluded enough to think she is smart, and actually has a great personality!  And so, she falls for all this hook-line-and-sinker.  She agrees to to hold off on taking Psychology of Business, or whatever, until next semester.  She also agrees to be Professor Cab Guy’s date to the Eligible Bachelor Award Party at the Boom Boom Room. 

OK . . . so let me get this straight.  They give out awards to guys for being single, at a place called the “Boom Boom Room?”  Does that sound strange to anybody else?

Crimes of Fashion

After running into Chuck, and reminding him that she “banished” Jenny for “both [their] sakes” . . .

“Honestly, Chuck, do you REALLY want people to know you slept with Little J?  Let’s put aside, for a moment, the fact that she’s underaged, and you two are kind-of/sort-of related.  Have you seen that HAIR?”

. . . Blair contacts her Army of Minions (which now, apparently, includes Penelope again – Oh how the mighty, hath fallen!).  She then instructs them to stake out Little J’s casa, to make sure Spaghetti Head abides by the terms of her Day Pass.

OK . . . now, I only noticed this, because I screencap the episodes.  But do any of you find it odd that Blair’s two non-Penelope minions always wear orange and yellow? 

 

What’s up with that?

The non-Penelope minions agree to the task without question.  However, Penelope has become a bit rusty in the art of Minionship, during her year off the show away from Queen B.  She actually QUESTIONS BLAIR’S AUTHORITY!

While Penelope agrees that nothing can be more entertaining than a little “Bottle Blonde Recon,” she can’t, for the life of her, understand what Loser J could have possibly done to make her worth all this trouble . . .

“Yours is not to wonder why, yours is just to DO or DIE!”  Blair SEETHES.  (That RHYMES!)

 “I do not like Jenny in my Town.  I do not like her.  She makes me frown.  And so you’ll stalk her, yes you will.  You better stalk her, or I’ll kill!”

Back at La Casa de Humphrey / van der Woodsen, Jenny is putting the finishing touches on the LAMEST FASHION COLLECTION EVER!  Seriously?  Stick figures?  All black?  All dresses?  This . . . from the “most talented young fashion designer of the Upper East Side?” 

“Your verk, is uneenspired, and borink.  You have nooo talent.  And your hair is a DISASTER!  Jenny Humphrey, you are Out!  Auf wiedersehen!”

And then . . . just when we thought we would be subjected to yet another lame scene, where Jenny and Dan talk about how oh-so-mean Blair is, a Special Guest arrives at the house . . .

Well hello,  Special Guest!

Special Guest Chuck (who we all know was the whole reason Jenny and her hideous fashion sense even GOT an interview with Parsons) arrives supposedly to “apologize” for deflowering her, and ruining her hair (Oh. . . wait, she did that by herself.) . . . I mean ruining her LIFE  (Yeah, that works.)

But Dorky Dan won’t let Chuck see Jenny.

“Now that Lame-o Vanessa is out of the picture, I have NO STORYLINE.  In fact, I have pretty much nothing to do this week, except follow my sister around and be “brotherly.”  You are SO not stealing another scene from me!  So there!”

*sticks out tongue*

Chuck agrees to leave so quickly, we just know he’s up to something dastardly.  And we figure out precisely what he’s up to, when we see him depart with a stack of papers.  And even though the top pages say “Bass Industries,” we can be pretty sure that the ones conveniently hidden below them say, “Jenny’s Crappy Excuse for a Fashion Line.”

Our suspicions are confirmed, when Chuck calls Jenny at home, to let her know he purposefully accidentally stole took her “Crappy Excuse for a Fashion Line” Papers.  Therefore, he will leave the at the front desk of his hotel, so that she can retrieve them.

“I’m Chuck Bass.  I make weird faces, when talking on the telephone.”

Having no choice in the matter, Jenny dashes outside, ugly goth dresses under her arm, and hails a cab toward the Empire Hotel.

The Stalking Minions, of course, follow Jenny into Chuck’s Pants the Empire, and immediately report their findings back to Blair.

And she is PISSED!  Blair hightales it to Tim Gunn’s studio.  There, she plots a revenge that is SO awful, that it actually had me . . . gulp . . . FEELING BAD FOR LITTLE J!

I don’t even know who I AM, anymore!

Toward the end of Jenny’s interview with Tim Gunn (which, admittedly, she ALREADY screwed up, by having LAME designs, and babbling on WAY TOO MUCH about her trashy personal life), she brings out the models wearing her designs.  It is at that moment that Jenny learns that Blair has somehow labeled each of them, so that they spell out the word”Whore,” in giant red letters.

(Then again . . .  it DID put some color on that bland palette of hers . . .)

Tim Gunn is APPALLED!

“I’m APPALLED!”

And so, he has no choice but to very politely ask Little J to leave  . . .

Don’t Drop the Soap!

You know what’s REALLY awkward?  When you are at prison, visiting your Psycho Sadistic Stalker Brother, who wants you to ruin the lives of your Boyfriend’s Friends — and you run into your Boyfriend, who is visiting his White-Collar Criminal / Drug Addict Dad.  I really hate it when that happens . . .

So, the above situation happens to Nate and Juliet.  Nate, for his part, is pretty cool with it — coming completely clean to Juliet about his Bad News Dad.  He also tells Juliet that he doesn’t care at all that her brother is an obvious Derelict / Threat to Society.

But then Juliet LIES ABOUT IT (even though she already basically told Nate about her brother’s “problems,” which sort of didn’t make sense).  Rather then telling the truth, Juliet makes up some lame excuse about being at the prison to teach some “literacy program” to inmates.  And then, Poor Dumb Nate offers to COME WITH HER to the class!

Awww Nate!  It’s a good thing you’re so pretty . . . Because you are going to make a GREAT Trophy Husband, some day . . .

Knowing she’s not about to teach some “Fake Literacy Class” at the prison, Juliet dashes off, nervously.  Back at prison (They must have some PRETTY LENIENT policies, regarding Visiting Hours and Use of Cellphones there!), Juliet tells her Derelict Big Bro that she trusts Nate, and wants to come clean to him, about EVERYTHING.

Her brother says, “That’s cool . . . whatever.”  (And if you believe that, I have a bridge to sell you in Brooklyn.)

Surprise, surprise!  Just when Juliet is about to confront Nate about “EVERYTHING,” he gets a call that his father has been gang banged “jumped” at prison.  Moments later, Big Bad Ben uses his Unlimited Prison Texting Plan to text Juliet with the unoriginal, “Did you get the message?”

(Maybe that “Prison Literacy Class” wouldn’t be such a bad idea, after all!)

Reverse Psychology for Dummies

Because it’s Monday, Serena is TOTALLY in love with Professor Cab Guy (just like she was TOTALLY in love with Nate .  . . and Dan . . . and Tripp . . . and Carter . . . and Aaron Rose . . . and the entire male population of Paris . . .)  But when her Mommy, Lily (she of the 18,000 marriages). . .

 . . . sees her daughter reading Professor Cab Guy’s business book, she is shocked to learn that her daughter can actually read thrilled that Serena is finally taking an interest in academics.  Serena, of course, doesn’t have the heart to tell her mother the truth — that her and her mom are EXACTLY alike — namely, Rich and Pretty but Dumb as Dog Poopy.

And so, the younger Miss van der Woodsen goes along with the ruse.  At least until this happens . . .

OOPS!

Lily, of course, is upset that her daughter is back to her Majorly Slutty ways, and can clearly give two figs about getting an education.  But . . . all hope is not lost!  Because Lily has an IDEA!

You see, she’s been looking at the pictures in reading Professor Cab Guy’s book, specifically the chapter on “Reverse Psychology,” and, doggonit, she’s going to use that on Serena!

(Riiiiiiiight, because this 40-something woman, educated at Brown, head of Bass Industries, married to millions of people dollars, has NEVER heard of or used reverse psychology before . . .)

Anyway, Lily starts telling Serena all this mean stuff, which, quite honestly is TOTALLY TRUE!  She tells Serena that Professor Cab Guy will make her rich, so she should go for it.  Plus, she’s too pretty to have to worry about “hard” mundane things like “getting an education.”  So, why bother?  Besides, Trophy Wives are AWESOME!

Serena, of course, being the Mental Midget she is, totally falls for this, and escapes the party, during Professor Cab Guy’s SUPER cheesy, “I’d give up bachelorhood for the right woman,” speech. 

Unable to resist, however, Serena visits Professor Cab Guy at his office to screw him talk.  Together, they agree that she should take Psychology of Business or Whatever, with him as teacher.  Then, when that’s all over and done with, she can finally become the Hot Trophy Wife he so desperately desires!

Love the Way You Lie . . .

When Chuck hears what happened at Jenny’s interview with Tim Gunn (which he TOTALLY orchestrated, by the way), he offers to “help” Jenny, by arranging another run in with Tim at the “Boom Boom Room,” where Blair and Co. just so happen to be.  Jenny agrees to attend. 

However, when Jenny DOES get to speak to Tim Gunn, he let’s it slip that Chuck got her the interview . . .

Infuriated that she has managed to get herself in the middle of Chuck’s and Blair’s foreplay, ONCE AGAIN, Little J fights back, by calling BOTH of their bluffs. 

“I’m BAAAACK!”

Moments later, out shoots a new Gossip Girl blast detailing just WHO exactly popped Little J’s cherry.  Chuck and Blair are, understandably, both humiliated.  (After all, who the heck would want people to know you slept with / were cheated on with an Evil Raccoon Zombie?) 

And, I have to say, it was nice to see Chuck and Blair together, on the same side, sharing the same emotion — even if it was Little J who caused it.  But then, Dan pops Little J’s Black Cloud of Joy, by informing her that just a single day on the Upper East Side has made her EVIL again.  (Not to mention, it further damaged her already miserable reputation.)

And so, Jenny decides the Upper East Side might not be the best place for her.

And yet, just when I’m ready to LITERALLY throw the book at Jenny, she has to go and say something to Chuck and Blair that (almost) changes my opinion about her in . . . gulp . . . positive way. 

“You two used to be in love.  Together, you were invincible.  Now, it is just a matter of time before your mutual destruction,” remarks a Newly Sage Jenny.

Jenny’s surprisingly wise words, strike a chord with Chuck, who visits Blair at her house that very night. 

“If we keep going like this, we are both going to end up dead,” Chuck begins.  “What happened between us . . . it was no one’s fault . . . it was fate . . . it could have been different.  We are holding on to the pain, because it’s all we have left.  But . . . we don’t have to.  Truce?”

Chuck extends his hand to Blair.  Tentatively, she takes it.   The moment their hands touch a current of lust and electricity, rushes through both their bodies.  They hold hands for just a moment too long, staring intently at one another.   Then, they abruptly pull away . . .

The door to Blair’s apartment closes, as Eminem and Rihanna’s “Love the Way You Lie,” plays in the background.  A more perfect song for this scene could not have been chosen . . .

Before I move on to the final portion of this recap, I just have two words (one a contraction) that I’d like to share with my fellow Chair fans: We’re BAAACK! 🙂

In Other News . . .

Jenny left town! 8) (for now . . .)

A tearful Juliet broke up with Nate to “save him” from the wrath of Big Bad Ben.  However, Nate wrongly assumed that Juliet dumped him, due to her embarrassment over dating a “Dude Who’s Dad’s in Prison.”  So, Nate kind of told her off.  (Not that she didn’t deserve to be told off, mind you — just . . . not for that reason.)

Oh, and THIS GUY?

He’s TOTALLY the “Big Brain” behind Juliet’s and Psycho Ben’s Stalker Games! (See, I knew nobody could REALLY like Serena for her “personality!”)

That’s all I’ve got, folks.  As for next week?  I have three words for you all: HOT . . . HATE . . . SEX!  😉

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com]

“I almost forgot how much I used to enjoy your pie.” – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Goodbye Columbia”

“Just so you know, Chuck Bass, you can sniff MY pie, any time you like . . .”

Flirting with cute boys and pie-sniffing aside, this was a tough week for our favorite Upper East West Side Princesses.

Both were battling some particularly EVIL Super Villains.

These two “villains” each separately plotted (Although wouldn’t it be AWESOME if they worked together?) to do something ABSOLUTELY UNIMAGINABLE to our fair heroines!  And what did these dastardly devils try to do, you ask?  DENY BLAIR AND SERENA THE RIGHT TO AN IVY LEAGUE EDUCATION!

“Oh the HUMANITY!”

Did the EVIL Super Villains succeed?  Were Blair and Serena cast out of Columbia, and forced to endure the ignominy of attending (gasp) a State School?  Read on to find out . . . IF YOU DARE!

OMG!  Creepy Stalkers are SO ADORABLE . . .

  . . . assuming they look like THIS, of course.

When the episode opens, Gossip Girl informs us that Serena is turning over a new leaf, and trying to become a “newer and better version of herself.”  When we first see Serena, we know instantly that she MUST, in fact, be “newer and better.”  After all, clearly, this is a girl who doesn’t get bogged down in the superficial details of life.  I mean, why else would she stop brushing her hair?

It’s like the “Before” picture in a Pantene Commercial . . .

Anyway, this “newer and better” Serena is rushing off to class, and hails a cab, only to find that (for, what we learn, is not the first time), some unnamed attractive dude . . .

Just in case you forgot what he looked like . . .

 .  . . has stolen said cab, and inserted some random hobag inside it.  (Don’t you just hate it when that happens?)

So, of course, Serena does what any sensible girl who is about to be late to class would do in such a situation, she hops on the nearest bus or subway pouts, whines, and stamps her foot like a toddler with poopy pants.

“When I do this at home, my Mom buys me necklaces from Tiffany’s.  Maybe this guy will do the same.  He certainly looks like he can afford it.”

Seeing that Serena is angry, Unnamed Attractive Guy, ignoring the hobag already in the taxi, holds the cab door open, and  continues to talk with Serena.  This lapse in time, gives our heroine ample opportunity to jump in the cab, and make it to class on time.  Instead, she stays and chats because . . .

 . . . (Do I really need to explain it to you?) 

As it turns out, Unnamed Attractive Guy has been spying on Serena, and stealing her cabs ON PURPOSE as an excuse to get slammed in the face with a taxi door flirt with her. 

Now, if you girls are anything like me, you all oohed and aahhed, and sighed at this scene, thinking it was “oh so sweet” and “oh so adorable” for Unnamed Attractive Guy to try to court Serena in this “creative” way.  However, let me ask you something.  Would you feel the same way about Unnamed Attractive Guy’s actions, if he looked like THIS?

 . . . or, how about THIS?

NO!  You’d think he was a scary stalker, and would probably wake up about two hours earlier every day, just so as not to run into him again!

But, as we know, Unnamed Attractive Guy did not look like THIS . . .

 . . . or THIS . . .

 . . . He looked like THIS . . .

 . . . and so, therefore, we all REALLY REALLY hope that these two get to do the horizontal mambo together, VERY soon!

The Gift that Keeps on Giving . . .

“I am a genie in a bottle, Baby.  But be careful when you rub me that way.”

One thing that must be said about Serena, she is a generous lover.  And by generous, I mean she shares her love with EVERYBODY!  So, of course, when Gossip Girl put out a blast that Serena had an STD, there were, understandably, a number of people on Columbia’s campus who were “concerned” by the news.

Like, for example, them . . .

 . . . and him . . .

. . . and them . . .

Coincidentally, if YOU happen to be in this picture, rest assured, the arrow that seems to be directly above your head is actually pointing at SOMEONE ELSE (Please don’t sue me!)

Unfortunately, Gossip Girl doesn’t specify which STD Serena has.  So, for the sake of illustration, let’s just assume, for argument’s sake, that she has one of these two . . .

Of course, us wily GG fans already know this blast is TOTALLY true false.  Someone evil is behind all this, and her name rhymes with “Muliet.”

Earlier in the episode, we watched Juliet have a conjugal visit meet in prison with the guy who is supposed to be her “Brother Ben.”  However, he totally acts like the Creepy Jealous Boyfriend / Homicidal Maniac in every Lifetime movie I have ever seen.  (Then again, maybe THAT’S how he got into prison!) 

Possible jailhouse footage of Juliet and Brother Ben, courtesy of Gossip Girl

During his and Juliet’s post-sex pillow talk meeting, Brother Ben stresses his impatience with Juliet, regarding her inability to isolate Serena from her friends, and get her expelled from Columbia — thereby “taking EVERYTHING away from her,” like she somehow did to Brother Ben.  (Yes . . . because I’m sure the Academic Scholar Serena, who didn’t even want to GO to college until about two episodes ago, would be absolutely suicidal, over getting kicked out of the school where she spent two days, during which she cut or was late to every class).

“What exactly is she implying?  I love school, because I am smart.  S-M-R-T.”

To protect Juliet’s “cover,” Brother Ben wants her to set up Nate as the Fall Guy for the plot to destroy Serena.  Juliet is conflicted.  Secretly, she hopes she will have time to SCREW Nate, before she has to SCREW HIM OVER.

Juliet’s Creepy Psycho Stalker Board a.k.a. “Research”

Later that day, Juliet convinces Nate to get tested for STDs, by withholding sex from him until he does.

Ummmm . . . you know, Juliet .  . . some STDs are ORAL.  Just saying . . .

Once she is certain Nate will, in fact, go through with getting tested, Juliet fans the flames, by telling Serena that NATE was freaked out by the Gossip Girl blast.

OH NO SHE DIDN’T!

Needless to say, when Serena sees Nate outside the Student Health Center, she is PISSED!

Gee Nate, you’ve been looking kind of pale lately.  I really hope you aren’t  . . . um . . . coming DOWN with something . . .

Of course, the first thing Serena does is subtly insult Nate’s “chastity” by commending him for getting tested, given the high number of sexual partners he has “experienced” recently.

Talk about the pot calling the kettle a SLUT!

Serena then selfishly asks that Nate wait a few days before getting tested, so that SHE won’t “look bad” in front of the whole school.

Ummm . . . honey, maybe you should have thought of that before coming on campus, without having brushed your hair first.

“There is someone else I need to get tested for,” insists Nate.  “SHE is my priority.  NOT YOU!

Accompanying Nate to the clinic, is his secret gay lover “new best friend” Dan Humphrey.

Unlike Nate, DAN DOESN’T need to get tested for an STD, because all HE and Serena did on that fateful night during the Season Finale was spoon . . .

To spoon or to fork?   That is the question.

 . . . at least, that was what Dan told his boring ass girlfriend Vanessa, when the first blast initially came out.  So, of course, you can imagine how freaked out the V-ster was, when she received a SECOND blast from Gossip Girl, noting Dan’s presence outside the Student Health Center.

“I was so upset I nearly peed in my hemp underwear (which were handcrafted by women of the Sioux Indian tribe, for your information).”

Vanessa, now completely convinced Dan has been lying to her about what happened that fateful night, publicly calls out Serena for being a Major Slutbag.

*sings*  “Tell me, tell me, tell me, something I don’t know, something I don’t know.”

(Note: Vanessa’s public anger at Serena will end up being important later.  So, don’t ignore the scene, just because it contains a character that you happen to find boring . . . like I usually do.)

Back in Crazy Psycho Stalker Land . . .

Population Juliet

 . . . Juliet begins to plant the seed in Nate’s head that he should steal Serena’s phone, in order to find out, once and for all, whether she has an STD.  (After all, STD test results take FOUR DAYS!  And when have you ever heard of ANYONE on this show going FOUR DAYS without sex . . . unless they were in a coma at the time?)  However, Nate doesn’t take the bait, because he is too stupid honorable.

Don’t worry, Nate.  There is no need to understand!  You’re WAY TOO pretty to have to worry about dull and unimportant things like “logical reasoning”. . .

Fortunately for Juliet, Vanessa is not NEARLY as pretty as Nate, so she has actually HAD to learn logical reasoning skills, while growing up.  When Vanessa approaches Juliet to bitch to her about Dan, Juliet instructs Vanessa to meet her at the Big Fake Party Designed to Put All the Characters in the Same Place Hamilton House.  There, she gets Vanessa to steal Serena’s phone to see if Dan wrote anything to Serena about their f*cking.

Lo and behold, there is a message on the phone from Dan that basically says, “Golly gee, isn’t it nice how we haven’t f*cked lately.”  (HOW CONVENIENT!)

Vanessa is OVERJOYED!

“I’m so happy I could dance nude in the light of the full moon, and praise Mother Nature!”

While a Happy Vanessa rushes off to do the horizontal mambo with a Non-Infected, Dan, Juliet uses Serena’s phone to send a message to one of Serena’s professors (the one who’s class she’s always missing,  because she can never catch a cab).  The message basically asks the professor, for a bump in grades in exchange for some STD-filled sex with Serena.

The professor tells the Dean about the e-mail.  And she instantly wants to expel Serena.  Of course, it isn’t until that very moment, that Boobs for Brains FINALLY realizes her PHONE IS GONE!

“DUH!”

Vanessa, being the moron that she is, publicly admits to taking the phone from Serena, out of guilt, even though it should be SO OBVIOUS to anyone with a pulse, who sent that message.  Then, Juliet jumps in, and blames the message’s submission on VANESSA! 

(NOW, do you see why that boring Serena / Vanessa “fight” was important?)

So, to summarize, Serena now thinks JULIET is a hero (who saved her from expulsion), and EVERYBODY HATES VANESSA.

(Coincidentally, when you think about it, the two statements above pretty much summarize exactly how most GG fans feel).

At the end of the episode, a number of things happen in rapid succession, with respect to this storyline.

1) Dan and Vanessa come to realize that a relationship without trust is just like every other relationship on this show not worth having, and eventually break up.

Maybe now, these two can go back to hanging out at their own school, NYU, (which, for the record, is ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF MANHATTAN, GG writers!), where they belong . . .

2) Serena has a drink with Unnamed Attractive Guy, who turns out to be someone who is slutty, but “smart and deep” . . . just like Serena pretends to be!

I swear, that just never gets old . . .

3) And, finally, after promising “Brother Ben” that she is “not falling for Nate,” Juliet shows up in Nate’s bedroom in sexy lingerie, and the pair have the HOTTEST SEX SCENE EVER!  Don’t believe me?  See for yourself . . .

Yeah . . . I totally watched that video like six times.  I’m not gonna lie.

Speaking of HOT COUPLES . . .

Scheming . . . as American as Apple Pie

This week, Blair tried to take the high road, and avoid HOT HATE SEX WAR with Chuck, by immersing herself in something he had absolutely no experience with, education.

“Books are for pussies.  My servants read FOR me.”

In typical Type-A personality fashion, Blair doubles her class load to avoid Chuck.  The class she wants to enroll in most is a Business Marketing class run by Professor Chamberlain.  So, Blair and her minions (who, by the way, look suspiciously similar to the minions she had last year at NYU) head off to wait online to enroll in the class (Huh?  No ONLINE enrollment?   What is this, 1990?). 

And yet, who should she see at the front of the line, but THIS GUY . . .

Like Juliet had decided earlier regarding Serena, Chuck has determined that the best way to get revenge against Blair for stealing away his Harry Potter Character He’d Most Like to Screw . . . Aside from Hermione lover . . .

 . . . would be to get her expelled from Columbia.  The only difference here is that, unlike Serena, Blair actually LIKES learning, so there is a bit more at stake, in this instance. 

As it turns out, Chuck despite being completely illiterate has decided to audit a few classes at Columbia.  Oh yeah, and he’s also Professor Chamberlain’s assistant.

This was precisely the position Blair wanted.  In fact, she wanted it so bad, she even resorted to having Dorota make making baked goods in order to get it.  “I almost forgot how much I used to enjoy your pie,” says Chuck seductively, as he moves just inches away from his “former” lover’s face.

In a scene whose hotness, though admittedly more subtle, rivaled that of Nate’s sex with Juliet, Chuck places his nose directly in line with Blair’s cleavage, and amorously inhales “her baked goods.”  Blair, though trying to look annoyed, is obviously more than a bit aroused by the act.  This is evidenced by the way her eyes close in ecstasy, and her mouth parts, for just a split second, before her face returns to its characteristic sneer.

Blair then tries to steal the assistant position from Chuck, by offering to set the Professor in question on a date, which, honesty seemed pretty ridiculous to me.  And yet, the lame-brained idea actually worked . . . that is, until Chuck pulled a little bait-and-switch on the dates.  This resulted in Blair setting the Professor up with ANOTHER WOMAN, even though she WAS STRAIGHT!

Shortly thereafter, at Hamilton House, Chuck and Blair duke it out, in one of their classic, “it is SO COMPLETELY OBVIOUS we are TOTALLY hot for eachother” fights.  During it, each detailed, the various ways they planned to blackmail Professor Chamberlain for the assistant position, if the other of them ended up getting it.  Professor Chamberlain overhears this and . . . quits?

Yeah, I didn’t get it either.  I really just wanted to see those two crazy kids sniff eachother again .  . .

At the end of the verbal f*ck fight, Chuck reiterates for the umpteenth time how much he wants to take everything away from Blair, just like she took a very boring thing everything away from him.  Blair then reiterates that she hates Chuck for screwing Racoon Zombie.

But this time, Chuck takes the argument one step further, by threatening to go public with his DEVIRGINATION of Little J, thereby ruining Chuck’s, Blair’s, and Jenny’s (not that she ever had one) stellar reputation, in the process. 

Just in case you thought he was bluffing, in the last scene of the episode we see Chuck making a phone call that somehow involves the following three things: Parson’s University, Jenny Humphrey, and . . . TIM GUNN?

In the words of the Man of Fashion, himself, “This concerns me.”

That’s all I’ve got folks.  Tune in next week, when the Racoon Zombie returns  . . . with redemption on her mind and an EVEN WORSE WEAVE on her head . . .

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com]

This Means WAR!!!! – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “A Touch of Eva”

Although Chuck’s utterance of the above-referenced line saddens me, as it represents yet another setback, in a series of increasingly dark turns that his relationship with Blair, has taken since last season, I am mildly comforted by the image of a very sexy Ed Westwick, decked out in yummy army fatigues . . .

See?  Every Chuck Cloud DOES have a silver lining!

Tonight’s episode of Gossip Girl was a bit of an emotional roller coaster for us Chuck and Blair fans.  On one hand, after WEEKS of minimal contact between the two, the pair finally had an abundance of tension-filled scenes together.

However, most of those scenes featured (1) Blair trying to sabotage Eva, and (2) Chuck vehemently defending his new Angelic Whore to the only woman he ever truly loved.

Then, Eva FINALLY left town . . . FOR GOOD!

But . . . as is usually the case in such situations . . . the GG writers decided to use this episode to make the almost universally despised French woman LESS annoying and MORE sympathetic — thereby, making us all feel just the teensiest bit guilty for having hated her for all these weeks.

And yet, Chuck DID confront Blair, desperate to find out if she still loved him. . .

And she said  . . . NO!

However, perhaps, I’m getting a bit ahead of myself here.  Let’s take  a step back, and see how it all went down, shall we?  But first, let’s get the less interesting simpler storylines out of the way . . .

Rags to B*tches

When the episode begins, we learn that Nate is starting to have some doubts about his new girlfriend, Juliet.  Mind you, these doubts did NOT stem from Juliet’s Hamilton House shenanigans, last week.  After all, aggressively  crapping on the reputations of Nate’s ex-girlfriends, through lies and deceit, is completely normal behavior in GG Land.  In fact, it’s encouraged!

Congratulations, Juliet!  You are officially EXACTLY like every other female on this show . . .

What really raised Nate’s eyebrows was how Juliet kept canceling out on dates with him, because she . . . HAD TO STUDY!

“Studying?  Nobody does that on THIS show!  Your new girlfriend is TOTALLY a serial killer, Nate.”

Fortunately for Nate, hiring a private detective is entirely unnecessary on this show, as each character’s every single solitary move is chronicled on Gossip Girl. 

(Wait, did you say EVERY cast member?  Even Vanessa?  This site must be the most boring read EVER!)

Daily itinerary:

8 a.m. Dress in hideously mismatched thrift store outfit

8:30 a.m – 10 a.m. Frequent artsy fartsy coffee shop

10 a.m. – 4 p.m. Attend fake classes

4 p.m. to 5 p.m. – Frequent ANOTHER artsy fartsy coffee shop, which smells like dirty hippies

5 p.m. to 10 p.m. – Pretend to study, while nagging and fondling, Dan Humphrey

10:15 p.m.  – Bedtime!

So, anyway, Nate cyberstalks Juliet on Gossip Girl, and learns that, during a time that she had SAID she was studying at home, she was actually spotted emerging from a subway station ACROSS TOWN!

Wait . . . someone on this show actually TAKES PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION?  Oh the humanity!

Because stalking his “loving girlfriend” on the internet isn’t enough, Trusting Nate decides to take things one step further, by stealing her cell phone.  Conveniently, Juliet has recently received a text message from the mysterious “Ben,” which states “I need to see you.”

Umm . . . are we supposed to believe that “Ben” is the same guy Juliet was hitting on at the prison last week?  Wow!  Who knew prisons had such great cell phone plans?  Now THAT’S our tax dollars at work!

Rather then stewing in silence for a few episodes, or exacting revenge, as men on this show tend to do, Nate actually does the mature thing, and confronts Juliet about her implied infidelities.

When Juliet fumbles with an explanation for the call, Nate tells Juliet that the reason she hates Serena so much is that she is Bat Sh*t Crazy just like her!

Later, a humbled Juliet, not wanting to get dumped, comes clean to Nate.  She is NOT cheating.  Rather “Ben” is her “troubled brother” who she is currently giving conjugal visits to on a daily basis “not ready to talk about.”  However, she promises, that he will “not come between [her and Nate].” 

Nate, whose own drawers are just FILLED with dirty family laundry . . .

Let’s get DIRRRRRTY!

. . . is thrilled to hear this wonderful news!  (Now, he can finally come clean about all those bastard children he sired during his Spring Break in Nicaragua!)

To reward Nate for not dumping his ass, Juliet offers to FINALLY let Pretty Boy see her apartment!

WALL OF CRAZY, HERE WE COME!

But, alas, Juliet doesn’t bring Nate to her Dumpy Psycho Serial Killer Apartment from Hell.

Instead, Juliet pays off the doorman at some fancy apartment complex, to give Juliet the keys to a temporarily vacant place.  Given all the creepiness that this entails, it seems kind of fitting that the last shot of the “happy couple” is of them making out “behind bars.”

Here We Go Again . . .

Oh for Heaven’s sake, will the boredom EVER end?

Is it just me, or have Dan and Vanessa been having some variation of the same storyline together for FOUR SEASONS!  Here’s how it goes . . . Judgy Vanessa nags Dopey Dan about something he’s doing lately, which doesn’t meet up to her high moral standards (Past Examples:  Hanging out too much with various members of the Upper East Side Crew, acting “too rich,” not telling his parents some lame deep dark secret he has, being a Male ho).  This week, it was Dan’s failure to properly grieve over the loss of Baby Milo.

Then, as a result of all the nagging, Dan will inevitably grow moody . . .

“Hey, you say ‘moody,’ I say ‘brooding and edgy'”

. . . and run straight into the arms of Slutty Serena . . .

. . . who for about two minutes (or until the next commercial break, which ever comes first) will decide she “loves him.”  During that short time span, Serena will string Dan along on a tight leash, like the disobedient dog he is . . .

 . . . or pour ketchup on him and eat him . . . depending on her mood.

Then, Vanessa will take Dan back because she has no other options truly loves him.  After all, her lashing out at Dan was only as a result of that suffocating love she feels for him.  So, yeah, that was basically what happened with Dan and Vanessa AGAIN this week.  Any questions?

Oh, and this should tell you just how much I dislike Dan and Vanessa as a couple . . . This week, I ACTUALLY found myself rooting for the romantic re-pairing of . . . SIBLINGS Serena and Dan!

I KNOW, I KNOW!  Clearly, I need my head examined . . .  Then again, as Blair says, “Anything to head off the nightmare of Humphrey-Abrams Offspring!”

Now THOSE would be some BORING ASS babies!

And now . .  on to the REALLY juicy stuff . . . 😉

Hi Ho!  Hi Ho!  It’s out with “New” Chuck we go!

“Every time I try to get out, they pull me back in!” 

The above words were spoken by the always iconic film character, Michael Corleone, during the much lambasted third installment of the otherwise brillant Godfather film series.  I imagine that our Chuck Bass was feeling much the same way as the aforementioned fictional Mafia Kingpin this week.  After all, ever since his “unforunate accident,” Chuck has been trying desperately hard to “be good” (whatever that means). 

It’s not as though this has all been some ruse on Chuck’s part to get Blair back (although, honestly, we all kind of wish it was).  Nope.  Chuck REALLY seems to want to change.  He wants to be the type of guy who has no secrets, who doesn’t engage in petty gossip or revenge plots, and who genuinely enjoys attending charity functions with his bland girlfriend.

Yet, while he smiles, and plays the part, to the best of his ability, Chuck never really seems to be enjoying himself.  This ideal he’s painted in his head of who he should be, it just isn’t him.  Fortunately (or “unfortunately” depending on how you look at it) Chuck’s “devilish” Upper East Side pals are there to remind him of this, at every turn. 

As the episode opens, we, along with a distraught Blair, watch live streams from Gossip Girl, of Chuck giving his new Gal Pal Eva obscenely an expensive watch from Cartier . . .

 . . . and obscene amounts of money to charity . . .

No one seems to be able to believe that this “Innocent” and Slightly Dull Blondie has single-handedly been able to surgically remove Chuck’s sizeable Mean Streak (not to mention his sense of humor — The guy hasn’t had a single fun one liner, since the season started).  Even Juliet can’t believe it, and she hasn’t been around all that long!  During a double date breakfast, that includes Nate and Juliet, and Chuck and Eva, Juliet asks Eva how she feels about Chuck’s sordid past.

“Well compared to Lord Voldemort, he’s not so bad!”

“Old Chuck, New Chuck, Bad Chuck, Good Chuck . . . How much wood could a woodCHUCK CHUCK if a woodCHUCK could CHUCK wood? .  . it’s all part of the same journey,” offers Eva, who clearly believes she has just walked into an audition for the role of a princess in a Disney cartoon.

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.  Who’s the lamest of them all?”

Determined to bring this seemingly perfect b*tch down, Blair does what any self respecting character on this show would do, she STALKS her!

Of course, it doesn’t take long, before Blair hits, what she believes to be “pay dirt.”  She spies Eva at Cartier exchanging Chuck’s gifted watch for cash.  Immediately, Blair goes running off to the Empire Hotel to rat out the girlfriend of the boy she supposedly “no longer cares about.” 

Chuck confronts Eva about the watch.  However, before she can answer, his maitre d comes to Eva’s rescue.  He admits that Eva gave the cash from the watch to him, so that he could help pay the mortgage for a close relative, who was at risk of losing her home.

  (Color me impressed.  I didn’t know the writers on Gossip Girl were aware there was a recession happening, at all!)

And you all know what this means for our girl Blair, right?

ONE!

Not one to give up so easily, Blair commandeers Serena and Dan to help her dig up some cyber dirt on the elusive Eva.

While Serena and Dan listen in from the comfort of La Casa de Waldorf, a wired-up Blair confronts Eva at a puppy adoption charity event.  Once there, she expertly plies the gal for information . . .

Why does this whole scenario seem so familiar to me?

Oh yeah . . . now, I remember!

The stupid guileless Eva keeps babbling on and on about her life, when finally, she reaches the part about her fateful rescue of Chuck Bass.  Apparently, Eva found Chuck in Prolovka, the Red Light District of Prague.  Searching the term “Prolovka” on the Internet, eventually leads Nate and Serena to find Eva’s HOOKER WEBSITE!

Blair, once again, is thrilled . . .

She can’t wait to go to Chuck’s charity gala, and break the bad news to him.  (What a good “friend!”)

Unfortunately for Blair, the news gets to Chuck, before she has a chance to tell him.  Chuck immediately confronts Eva, who comes clean about the whole thing . . .

So, at the gala, when Blair tries to break the news to Chuck, he totally blows her off!

Then, just to prove how cool he is with the whole “Happy Hooker as Girlfriend” thing . . .

“What’s good enough for Richard Gere, is good enough for Chuck Bass!”

 Chuck announces at the gala that he plans to give Eva FIVE MILLION DOLLARS . . .

 . . . to donate to the charity of her choice. 

TWO, Blair!

Desperate times call for desperate measures.  If Blair can’t find a dark truth about Eva F*cks Alot to make Chuck dump her, well, then, she’s just going to make something up!  Blair gets her shot, when she finds a manilla envelope containing Chuck’s personal effects.  Said effects had conveniently just been recovered from Prague, despite his accident having pccurred months ago. 

 Blair takes the envelope from Chuck’s maitre d, and swipes his passport.  She then tells Chuck that she found his passport in Eva’s bag.  Thus, proving, once and for all, that Eva KNEW who Chuck Bass was when she rescued him.  (And, therefore, was probably using him for money.)

When Chuck hears this, he is outraged.  He lashes out at Eva, who agrees to leave, without explicitly denying Chuck’s allegations.  And yet, when Chuck learns of the existence of the envelope containing the passport, from Lily, he knows he’s been played by Blair, and that Eva had been honest with him all along.  (Well . . . except for the whole “sleeping with guys for money” thing.)

Chuck rushes to stop Eva from leaving, but her decision has already been made.  “Please don’t leave me.  Everybody leaves me,” Chuck whines like the petulant five year old he can sometimes be.

“No, not everyone leave you . . . only your Whore of a Mother, the Girlfriend you cheated on with a Slutty Zombie Raccoon, and the Slutty Disney Princess you accused of being a Golddigger,” replies Eva.  (Well, that’s what she should have said anyway.)

After Eva leaves, Chuck rushes to confront Blair.  “Do you hate me so much, that you can’t stand to see me happy?”  He inquires.  “Is it possible that you still love me?”

(SAY YES, BLAIR!  YES!  YES!  YES!)

There is silence, as Blair and Chuck regard one another, the tension palpable, the love and history between them still a definite presence in the room.  And then, Blair says something, that literally makes me throw my shoe at my television.

You’re going to pay for that, GOSSIP GIRL!

“How could I still love you after what you did?”  Blair inquires.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

THREE!  You are so OUT, Blair!

Chuck blanches at Blair’s hurtful responds.  When he gathers up the courage to speak again, his voice sounds hoarse, as he chokes back his own tears.  “You brought me back to my worst self,” he whispers.  “This means WAR!”

“War, OK .  . . so . . . is Hot Hate Sex is completely out of the question, now?”

[www.juliekushner.com]

The Kids are All Grown Up . . . Sort Of – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Undergraduates”

I’m pretty sure this kind of thing happens at least once every season.  Except, this time, Serena has raised the stakes, by discovering the art of camouflage.  Seriously!  Who else, besides Serena, would dress to match the curtains at a fashion event? 

I never thought it would happen, but after four seasons of scheming, cattiness, and hijinks, our Upper East Side crew is FINALLY showing some signs of maturity . . . well, some of them are, at least.  Others are . . . well . . . not.

So, without further adieu, let’s take a look back at this episode, to find out which characters are still in diapers . . .

 . . . and who got to graduate to Big Boy Pants!

Gossip Girl gets an Upgrade.  Serena gets Downsized.

 

When the episode begins, Serena and Blair are preparing for their first day at Columbia University.

Unfortuntely, their first day of school just so happens to be a very dark day on the Upper West Side.  As it turns out . . . the Gossip Girl website is temporarily DOWN.

Clearly, this is a tragedy of EPIC proportions, especially for Blair, who just so happens to be one of those people . . .

 . . . who is simply not happy, unless some low rent media entity is documenting her every move.  As their first official order of business as new Columbia students, Blair and Serena .  . . go to class.  HAHA!  JUST KIDDING!  We don’t do actually that on this show . . .

Instead, Blair and Serena head off to the “Hamilton House” (i.e. this season’s version of the “secret society” Blair tries to join every year, whose members’ innate snobbery and elite status cause our Queen Bee to temporarily forget who her REAL friends are)  . . .

It’s not just for cans and bottles any more.  We do it for PLOTLINES too!

As Blair and Serena enter the insanely stuck up Hamilton House, Serena notes her very familiar surroundings, and gripes, “I thought college would be different from high school.”

“Who would want that?”  Blair inquires, without an ounce of humor or irony in her voice.  (You gotta love Blair!)

Speaking of high school, just moments after arriving, the girls encounter a “old friend” from “back in the day” (i.e. two years ago).

It’s Perpetual Queen Bee Runner Up, PENELOPE!

And, I am happy to report, that she is just as much of a saucy biatch, as she was in high school!  After Penelope and Blair exchange a few bitter barbs for old time’s sake, the diva reveals that one of her ancestors was a founding member of the Hamilton House.  This accident of birth makes Penelope a legacy at Hamilton House, and and automatic club member.  Fortunately for Blair, Penelope is NOT, however, the Key Master, i.e. the person responsible for personally inviting new members to join the club.

Poor Penelope!  Always a minion, never a royal!

But, you know who IS Key Master at Hamilton House? THIS GIRL . . .

It’s Crazy Potential Psycho Stalker, Juliet Sharp, of course!  (Clearly, Hamilton House is a VERY classy establishment, if they are letting homicidal maniacs join.)  When Blair and Serena approach Juliet for their keys to the club, Looney Tunes herself surprises EVERYBODY (well, at least everybody who didn’t see the trailer for the episode, before it aired), by offering a club key to Blair  . . . and NOT SERENA!

At that very moment, Gossip Girl comes back online with a BRAND NEW FEATURE.  It’s called Live Video Streaming, and it’s like Botox for websites.

The Video Stream shows Serena getting rejected by Hamilton House, as a politely reserved, but secretly smug, Blair fondles her new key to the kingdom elite Columbia society.  Of course, this poses the very important question of WHO is Gossip Girl, that she was able to get such close-up footage of the girls at this elite event?  You see, in the past, any onlooker could have sent Gossip Girl the pictures and intel that the site happened to be seeking at the time. 

However, seeing as the GG site had been down for a period of time; and, presumably no one, except Gossip Girl herself (or himself), knew at the time that the site had video capabilities, that pretty much narrows the suspects down to someone in that room.  Could it be Juliet?  Penelope? 

 Only time will tell . . .

Outside of Hamilton House, Blair half-heartedly offers to decline membership in the club for Serena’s sake.  However, Serena, who knows a fake gesture of kindness when she sees one, replies that this will not be necessary.  “S” would never stand in the way of her Best-ie’s social progress.  Besides, Hamilton House may just be a bit too “right wing” for a bohemian gal, like Serena.

Famous Hamilton House Alumnis

Upon receiving Serena’s “blessing” to stay in Hamilton House, Blair responds like THIS . . .

 . . . and bounces off excitedly, but not before making plans to meet Serena later for dinner and drinks.

Feeling a bit like the Stinky Kid in Elementary School, who nobody wanted to play with,  Serena calls Dorky Dan, in hopes of bolstering her recently diminished self esteem . . .

. . . and he BLOWS HER OFF . . .

 . . . to hang out with a guy who still POOPS IN HIS PANTS!

Then she calls Hot Pants Nate . . .

. . . and HE BLOWS HER OFF TOO!

(Apparently, Hamilton House is coed, and Nate’s a member as well.  How CONVENIENT!)

Yes, Serena.  Apparently, college IS just like High School.  Except, now, you are the NEW Jenny Humphrey . . .

It’s not easy . . . being sleazy.

Lifestyles of the Rich and the Rapist

While the rest of his friends are stories below, pretending to matriculate at Columbia, Chuck Bass is sleeping on million-thread count sheets, in the Penthouse Suite at the Empire Hotel.  He wakes up to find his new Gal Pal Eva missing.  When he sees the sliding glass door to the balcony open, Chuck worries for a moment that the idea of being the most HATED new cast member of Gossip Girl got to be too much for Eva, and she threw herself out the window.

Goodbye, Cruel Fangirls!

(At the same time, Chair fans across the nation are keeping their fingers crossed for the same result.  It’s nothing personal, Eva.  You’re just NO Blair Waldorf!)

But, alas when Chuck arrives outside, he finds Eva simply looking out at the city skyline, with her feet planted firmly on the ground.  “Your world . . . it’s magnificent,” says Eva, with all the emotion and excitement of a person saying, “I have a dentist appointment today.”

Chuck is so enamored by Eva’s innocence, that he can’t help but set out to destroy it.  Immediately, he offers Eva room service, a spa day, and unlimited access to his credit card.  You know, Eva, I recently saw a movie just like this.  Wanna know which one?

Yes, Eva.  I AM calling you a whore (but a VERY nice and well-mannered one, just like in the movie)!

“Your life is perfect,” Eva says in a dull monotone that would make Ben Stein proud.

“Bueller . . . Bueller . .  . Bueller.”

“Now, so is yours,” lies Chuck through his teeth.

Meanwhile, Nate stops by Chuck’s hotel suite to return the Bass-tard’s Black Book, and lecture the hotel scion about being honest with his girlfriend about his shady past.

Riiiiight.  Just like I’m sure Nate is going to be honest with HIS new girlfriend about all the STD’s he undoubtedly contracted this summer, as a result of using said “Black Book.”

Leaving Eva to her own devices, Chuck goes to visit Lily . . .

 . . . the one person member of his Post-Sex with She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named Fan Club.  Chuck tells Lily that he is a changed man, who has stopped screwing raccoons . . .

. . . and has, instead, fallen in love with a character from the Harry Potter series.

Eager to make things right with her extended family, Lily invites Chuck and Eva to attend Fashion’s Night Out.  There, she supposes, the van der Woodsens, Basses and Humphreys can mingle without the added pressure of a formalized dinner.  Chuck agrees.

Later, Lily convinces Rufus to give the New and Improved Bass . . .

“I’m singing a Redemption Song!”

 . . . a second chance at the fashion event.  Rufus initially agrees to have an open mind.  However, when Eric . . .

Welcome back, Buddy!  We missed you!  You’re the least screwed up character on THIS SHOW!  (Well . . . aside from the whole “tried to commit suicide” thing.)

. . . spills the bean to Rufus about Chuck’s attempted rape of Jenny during the pilot episode her freshman year . . .

 . . . Papa Humphrey radically changes his tune.

That afternoon, while Eva shops her little heart out on Chuck’s dime, she runs into Blair.

Of course, in typical Mean Girl fashion, Blair taunts Eva the Robot about her modest beginnings, plain looks, and peasant hands. With a scathing sneer and biting wit that would make Season 1 Blair proud, Queen B lets her latest competition for Chuck’s heart know, in no uncertain terms, that she is a “woman off the rack,” who does not belong in GG society.  (And most Chair fans would AGREE!) 

You can take the girl out of Constance Billard Prep . . . but you can’t take Constance Billard Prep out of the girl.

The bitter exchange upsets Eva enough (to the extent that she is capable of expressing human emotion) to cause her to confront Chuck about it, as the two prepare for Fashion’s Night Out.  In an admittedly sweet moment, Chuck tells Eva that he loves that she doesn’t fit in to his snooty world.  He truly believes that, once given a chance to meet her, the Upper East Siders will love Eva just as much as HE does . . .

Oh, Chuck!  You Sweet, but Ignorant, Slut!  How willingly you overestimate the kindness of your friends and family.

As we watch Eva childishly recite the GG cast members’ names, like a child trying to remember a nursery rhyme, we just KNOW this girl is in for some seriously bad sh*t, in the weeks to come.  It almost makes me feel bad for her . . . almost.

Who’s Your Daddy, Baby Milo?

Meanwhile, Dan is still playing proud papa to Georgina’s spawn, Baby Milo . . .

 . . . when he receives a Gossip Girl blast that Georgina is living it up in St. Barts, while he is cleaning spit up off his unlimited collection of ugly flannel shirts.  To make matters worse, Busy Body Rufus rushes over to tell Dan that, based on his own expert opinion (Read: complete lamens’, not to mention, LAME MAN’S opinion), Baby Milo CANNOT be Dan’s son.

Cue the entrance of Vanessa “Never Met a Plotline She Couldn’t Make Boring” Abrams.

Together her and Dan enter into a positively snooze-worthy discussion about Dan’s options regarding the care of Baby Milo.  Unfortunately for Dan, he has gone and fallen in love with the little Demon Baby, and can’t imagine giving it up for adoption or putting it in foster care.  Dan wants to raise Milo himself.  However, he fears that his student lifestyle will provide him with neither the time nor sufficient income to get the job done.

Then Vanessa, saves the day, by offering to move in with Dan, and help him to raise Baby Milo.

(This is the point in the recap where I would insert a “YIPPEE” . . . if I cared enough about this storyline to do so, which I don’t . . .)

Dan initially cautions his girlfriend against this idea.  He fears he is asking too much of Vanessa, and will ultimately end up jeopardizing their relationship as a result.

Well . . . that got a response from me!

Even though she was CLEARLY not born yet when the film in question came out, Vanessa argues that if Tom Selleck and Ted Danson from Three Men and a Baby could raise a kid, so could Dan and Vanessa . . .

“As long as that doesn’t make me Guttenberg,” quips Dan.

Ummm . . . I hate to break it to you Dan .  . . but you are TOTALLY Guttenberg.  And Vanessa is Tom Selleck’s mustache . . .

Dan agrees to let Vanessa move in and help him raise Baby Milo.  However, before she can return to the apartment with all her hippie skirts, mismatched scarfs, incense, and patchouli . . . GEORGINA RETURNS!

In what was undoubtedly the most interesting and hilarious part of this lame and second rate B-plot storyline, Georgina explains that Milo’s father is some Russian businessman who she met and screwed on an airplane.

“Now, I’m a super villain AND a member of the Mile High Club.  I RULE!”

Unfortunately, for Georgina, the Russian businessman’s wife found out about the tryst, and when she heard Georgina was pregnant, she put a hit out on the dimunitve vixen.  By doctoring Milo’s birth certificates to say that Dan was his father (as opposed to the 100’s of other men Trampy Georgina undoubtedly was banging during that time), Georgina got the killers off her tail.  Now, however, she’s finally decided to grow up and be a real mother to Milo. 

Dan tries to protest.  However, he has no REAL claim to the Baby, so Georgina ultimately takes the child with her.  At the end of the episode, Vanessa and Dan decide to move in together, anyway.

And they all lived Boringly Ever After . . .

(Honestly, I was kind of hoping for more Georgina Hijinks and Histrionics here.  Weren’t you?  Like, for example, watching her be chased by a bunch of Russian Mafioso would be absolutely HILARIOUS, in my opinion!

But, perhaps, not everyone agrees with me . . .)

Rufus Humphrey Cock Block Extraordinaire

“As the Lord is my Witness, Chuck Bass will NEVER GET LAID AGAIN!  Mwahhahaha!”

At Fashion’s Night Out, Chuck approaches Lily, Rufus and Eric to make his apologies, and hopefully, to introduce them to Eva.

Unfortunately for Chuck, Rufus is not too keen on forgiving his daughter’s Date Rapist.  In fact, he doesn’t want the Bass-tard anywhere NEAR HIS FAMILY.  And yet, Rufus the Doofus takes his Chuck-sized hatred one step further.  He wants Chuck to become a re-virginized MONK!

“Whatcha you talkin’ about, Rufus?”

When Eva enters the fray, Chuck, fearing that Rufus will spill the beans about his pervy past to the woman he is passing the time until Blair takes him back with loves, throws himself on the sword saying, “That’s just another social climber making a play for Chuck Bass.  She is not with me.”

Oh no you, didn’t!

Eva dashes off in tears.  And Chuck, after another heart-to-heart with surrogate Mommy Lily, finally finds the courage to rush after her, come clean about his sordid past.  At first, Eva is disgusted, and leaves him.  Almost immediately, a tail between his legs Chuck confronts Blair.

And the Queen B is so smug and self-satisfied about Chuck’s failure and Eva’s resultant departure, that she practically does a dance of joy, right in front of him.

But then Eva returns.

“It was hard for me to learn what kind of man you were.  But I’ve seen the kind of man you can be.  And I choose to be with that man,” announces Eva.

Her and Chuck then kiss (BARF!), as Blair looks on disgusted.

“Once lips have tasted caviar, it baffles me how they can return to catfish,” Blair notes wryly, toward the end of the episode.

Well said, Miss Waldorf!  Because it sure beats the heck out of me . . .

Secret Society Hijinks Ensue .  . .

I wanted to save the most intriguing plotline for last, so allow me to backtrack a bit, and tell you what happened after Blair was admitted into Hamilton House, and Serena wasn’t.  Well, first the Slimy Seductive Juliet took Blair aside, and poured a little metaphorical poison in her ear, when the latter inquired as to why Serena wasn’t admitted into their little club.

“Isn’t it better to have something at this school that is just yours,” Juliet suggests casually, with all the finesse of a snake in the Garden of Eden.

Boy!  Juliet sure has Blair’s number!  Little Miss “I’ll take the West Bank, you take the East,” is no one if not a person who is constantly seeking out her own fame and recognition.  Juliet then takes things one step further, insisting that Blair attend a Martini Event thrown by Hamilton House, instead of keep her dinner plans with Serena.  Then, when Serena calls to find out where Blair is, Juliet instructs her to LIE about her whereabouts, so as not to “hurt Serena’s feelings.”

Blair stupidly takes the bait. 

Moments later, in a move that surprised precisely NO ONE, Gossip Girl streamed the Martini Event live, allowing Serena to catch Blair in her fib.  (It was at this moment, Boys and Girls, that I became pretty certain that Juliet was Gossip Girl.  Little did I know that something would happen later to prove me wrong . . .)

The next day, an angry Serena confronted a very flowery-dressed Blair about her deception, suggesting that Juliet sabotaged Serena’s ability to get into Hamilton House.  Blair, as per usual, gets defensive, “There’s no conspiracy.  Hamilton House just doesn’t want YOU!”  Blair yelps.

Blair then walks off in a huff.

Later, Serena sees other girls getting keys to Hamilton House, even after Juliet suspiciously claimed there were none left.  So, “S” decides to confront the BIATCH.

Turning the tables on Serena, Juliet asserts that it was BLAIR who kept Serena from getting into Hamilton House, by revealing to the alumni the existence of a sex tape involving Serena and Pete Hammond. . . as in THAT GUY SHE “KILLED.”

At Fashion’s Night Out, we see an angry-looking Serena stalk into the building in search of Blair.  The next thing we know, Gossip Girl is live-streaming footage of a hair pulling, name-calling argument between the frenemies, in which Blair awkwardly notes that Serena’s dad couldn’t raise herproperly, because he was busy giving her mother, FAKE CANCER! 

(OUCH!  That had to hurt!)

Meanwhile, a smug Juliet, who, along with her new Hamilton House minions, is watching the whole fight on her iPhone, decides to put the whole altercation on wide-screen television, for all the Fashion’s Night Out attendees to enjoy.

Eventually Juliet tells her minions that it is time to “step in and save ‘her sister’ [Blair] from that b*tch [Serena].”  However, when Juliet rips back the curtain, all she finds is Blair and Serena sitting calmly on the sofa, watching the same pre-recorded broadcast, the rest of the party is enjoying.  As it turns out, they had leaked the fake fight footage to Gossip Girl, in order to catch Juliet in the act of trying to ruin both of their reputations. 

(This turn of events just made it very unlikely that Juliet is actually Gossip Girl.)

“Your little plan might have worked on us in High School, but not now,” lectures Blair maturely (before sticking her tongue out, and singing “Nah-Nah, Nah-Nah, Nah-Nah.”)

She’s right.  Juliet’s plan probably WOULD have worked on Blair and Serena, back when they were in High School.  In fact, it DID work.  If I recall, Georgina Sparks, herself, had done this exact sort of thing, once or twice, in earlier seasons, to break the besties apart.)

Lily van der Woodsen, who, OF COURSE, just so happens to be on the alumni board at Hamilton House, immediately dethrones Juliet, and offers her own daughter a “much-deserved” key to to the house.  Juliet skulks off.  And Nate, who has witnessed the whole ordeal, begins to run after her.  However, Serena stops him first.

Never exactly the “sharpest tool in the shed,” Nate surprises everybody, by siding with PSYCHO STALKER JULIET in this little battle of wits.  And why not?  After all, Serena cheated on him with Dorky Dan Humphrey last year, and then just automatically expected him to take her back.  And Nate DID want to take her back . . . at least, at first. 

But now, all the sudden, Nate has decided that he’s MAD at Serena (an emotion he should have experienced MONTHS ago . . . and probably would have, if he wasn’t so busy porking all those whores in Chuck’s Black Book).  Now, given all Nate’s “MAD-ness,” no matter what Serena does, she’s going to be a Big Fat Poopy Head in Nate’s eyes.

After leaving Serena to comprehend the concept of a boy actually NOT wanting to bone her, Nate rushes to Psycho Stalker Juliet.  Crazy Train tells him that she only schemed against Serena, because she didn’t want Nate around her all the time at Hamilton House.  In short, Juliet claims that she acted out of jealousy.

Sure, it’s obvious to everyone that Juliet is lying.  But not to Moronic Nate, who’s just arrogant enough to believe her.  So, while Serena is moving in to La Casa de Waldorf with Blair and Dorota; Nate and Juliet are making out, and sealing their fate as the most effed up couple in Gossip Girl history (well, aside from Chuck and Jenny of course — but they don’t count.)

It all ends in a fairly commonplace way, until the last scene.  There, we see Juliet visiting some guy in prison.  Upon listening to their conversation we can conclude that (1) HE’S the one who’s hired Psycho Stalker Girl to screw with Serena and the rest of the Upper East Side Crew; and (2) the prison-bound pair are romantically involved in some way — thus, making Juliet’s romantic advances toward Nate (for now, at least) completely phony.

But who IS this guy?  My first thought was that he was Carter Baizen.  After all, Carter’s criminal dealings and grudges against most of the GG cast, would make him a likely candidate for something like this.  The problem, of course, was that this guy didn’t look like Sebastian Stan (the actor who plays Carter).

My second guess was that this Prisoner Dude is somehow related to Pete, the guy Serena “killed.”  After all, Juliet made a point to mention Pete’s name, when making an excuse as to why Serena wasn’t admitted to Hamilton House.  How else would she know all that information, if not from a connected outside source?

Well, I’m all out of ideas.  What about you guys?  Any suggestions as to who this orange-jumpsuited man might be, or why he hates Serena so much?

[www.juliekushner.com]