GO IAN! It’s your birthday! – A (Small) Tribute to Ian Somerhalder on his 32nd Birthday

It’s Ian Somerhalder’s birthday.  So let’s CELEBRATE!  First, change into something a little more comfortable . . .

Make sure you’ve got your favorite tunes playing . . .

You are DEFINITELY going to want to DANCE!

Pour yourself a drink . . . or twenty!

And don’t worry about those pesky calories.  INDULGE YOURSELF!

Put your feet up, and relax . . .

And don’t forget to pucker up for those birthday kisses!

Who knows?  You may even end up getting LAID!

You may have noticed that I spend a lot of time on this blog going on (and on . . . and on) about Ian Somerhalder – the actor.  I’ll write posts about the various roles he’s played, throughout his career, or his acting techniques, or the deft with which he’s established himself as a complex and intriguing male romantic lead.  Yet, through all of this, I very rarely take the opportunity to talk about Ian Somerhalder – The Man. 

Well, now “The Man” has just turned 32.  So, what better time than NOW, to peek into Ian Somerhalder’s life:  where he has been, and, perhaps, even more importantly, where is he GOING . . .

Ian Somerhalder was born December 8, 1978 in Covington, Louisianna.  His gregarious nature, and natural good looks led him to begin a career in modeling at a very early age . . .

But, at the age of 17, Ian found himself craving something more.  And so, he began to pursue a career in acting.

Though Ian made a name for himself playing roles like the bisexual schemer Paul Denton in the film The Rules of Attraction, and sexually confused private school student Hamilton Fleming, in the short-lived television series, Young Americans, his big break came in 2004, when he auditioned for the role of Boone Carlye, in what would become ABC’s most successful television series, Lost.

But then the writers had to go and kill off his character, during the show’s first season.  (Yeah . . . THAT SUCKED!)

So, Ian took his talents to the stage, starring as a teenaged version of Pig Pen in the Off-Broadway Peanuts tribute play, Dog Sees God, alongside other up-and-coming actors, America Ferrara (Ugly Betty, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants), Eliza Dushku (Bring it On, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Dollhouse), Ari Graynor (Nick and Nora’s Infinite Playlist), Logan Marshall Green (The O.C.), and Eddie Kaye Thomas (American Pie).

(Believe it or not, I actually got to see this show live.  I loved it to pieces.)

And . . .  then came The Vampire Diaries, and a little Brooding Bad Boy Bloodsucker, we like to call Damon Salvatore . . .

The show was an instant success, and quickly built up a rabid fanbase.  This can largely be attributed (in addition to great writing) to the stellar acting skills and amazing chemistry of its talented cast members . . .

The success of The Vampire Diaries helped Ian gain recognition both as Entertainment Weekly’s Sexy Beast, and as one of People Magazine’s Sexiest Men Alive in 2010.

But Ian is more than a pretty face, talented actor, and charming interviewee, he’s also a pretty darn good person, who cares about the environment and wants to better his community.  A staunch animal lover, and owner of three cats . . .

 . . . Ian has worked closely with the St. Tammany Humane Society to raise money for animals in need.  His involvement in this organization increased manyfold, following the Gulf Oil Spill, back in April of 2010.  Ian was one of the first celebrities to speak out publicly against BP, and the lackadasical way in which the spill was being handled by its executives.  Concerned about the welfare of the animals living in the gulf, Ian put out a series of public service announcements requesting public donations to help care for them.

In fact, Ian was one of the main voices behind the Gulf Oil Spill Telethon hosted by Larry King this year. 

Today, in honor of his 32nd birthday, Ian will launch his own foundation geared toward positively impacting the planet and its creatures.  You can learn more about the Ian Somerhalder foundation (and how to make a donation) by clicking here.  To learn more about what’s going on in the Fabulous Life of Ian Somerhalder, go ahead and follow him on Twitter.

But, however, you decide to celebrate Ian’s birthday, be sure to watch The Vampire Diaries this Thursday at 8 p.m . . .

I promise you, it won’t SUCK . . .

Happy Birthday, Ian.  YOU’RE THE MAN! 🙂

[www.juliekushner.com]

“If You’ve Got It, Flaunt It” – A Recap of Grey’s Anatomy’s “Can’t Fight Biology”

Well, hello there, Shirtless Jesse Williams!  My, have you “grown” since that Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants movie!  In fact, I’d very much like to travel in YOUR pants.

Ahh, biology.  It’s just not fair.  You see a picture like the one above, and wonder where YOU were, when they were handing out the chiseled arms and insane abs, in Heaven.  I mean, seriously!  Doesn’t it seem like some people have ALL THE LUCK, gene-wise, while others . . . well . . .DON’T?

It kind of reminds me of this old movie I used to watch, when I was a kid .  .  .

This week’s installent of Grey’s, not surprisingly, given the title, was all about doctors and patients trying to . . . for lack of a better phrase .  . . “fight biology.”  Let’s see how they did, shall we?

You’ve Gotta Fight, For Your Right to Potty!

So, what do you think Meredith is charging for rent, nowadays?  Given the revolving door of roommates she’s had since Season 1, that girl must be making a FORTUNE!  That being said, do you think she’d let ME move in?  I mean, I’d even be willing to sleep in the attic, next to the Christmas Ornaments, like Lexie . . . or on the roof, or in the shower.

They call it a “Frat House.”  I call it a “Fun House.”  It’s all a matter of how you look at things . . .

Unfortunately, Lexie doesn’t agree.  She wants Jackson and April gone . . . well, mostly April . . . she’s not blind after all.  Granted it does seem a bit unfair that April, who moved in after Lexie (presumably, shortly after The Shooting), gets Izzie’s room, while Lexie is stuck in the attic, with the moth balls.

“Why does April get to be New Izzie?  I am so much more like Izzie than April!  April is a TOTAL George!  She’s even socially awkward and celibate, like he was in early Season 1”

Interestingly enough, however, Lexie’s beef is NOT with the room arrangements, but with April, herself.  “I find her annoying,” gripes Lexie.

‘Really, because I find you, much more annoying,” says Christina, matter-of-factly.  (Awww, I love Old Snarky Christina!  I’ve been missing her a lot lately, especially during all this depressing PTSD-stuff.)

COME BACK, Hilariously Grouchy Robot Surgeon, COME BACK!

Meredith, however, kindly tells Lexie to “suck it up.”  After all, Big Grey has got her own problems to deal with.  And those problems come with a name: HOSTILE UTERUS.

According to the obstetrician Meredith and Derek visit at the beginning of the episode, it was likely the hostility of Meredith’s uterus, and not the trauma of The Shooting, that caused Meredith to miscarry.  Therefore, without proper treatment, she very well may miscarry again.

Ever the ray of sunshine, Derek is not the least bit bothered by this news.  “How would you feel if she called your penis, angry or snide?”  Meredith retorts.

‘Touche!”

Back in Newlywed Land, Owen and Christina are searching for a new apartment, when they come upon an Old Firehouse with which Owen becomes immediatley smitten.

“It has a fire pole.”

“See, honey, you see a ‘Fire Pole,’ I see a ‘Stripper Pole.’  It’s all about how you look at things!”

Meanwhile, over in Lesbi-land, Arizona is getting majorly P O’ed, because Mark keeps nosing his way into her “Happy Time” with Callie.

Arizona’s obvious dislike for Mark puts Callie in a tough position, because he is her Bestie with Benefits.  When Callie questions Arizona about her McSteamy Hate, she explains that he “has abs where his soul should be?”  (And that’s a BAD thing?)

As if being soulless wasn’t awful enough, Mark “like totally stares at Arizona’s boobs, like all the time.”

THE HORROR!

Seattle Grace has a new face . . .

Poor Chief Webber!  It has been only a few days, since he resumed the position of “Chief” at the hospital.   And, already, Seattle Grace is having an Identity Crisis.  Who knew The Shooting would be so bad for morale?  Fortunately El Jefe has some ideas about how to bring Seattle Grace back to Numbero Uno. 

The first is to create a wing for Bariatric (a.k.a. weight loss) Surgery.  But in order to create such a wing, Webber would have to tear down the Dead Denny Memorial Clinic.

“Hell to the NO!  I’m not having that man’s ghost haunting me.  Did you SEE what did to Izzie?  He completely ruined her character.“

Chief Webber’s next idea to save the hospital’s image is a new advertising campaign.

Hmmm .  . . not bad.  But you know what would be even better?

Now THAT is a place I would go to get my appendix removed and my panties!

What Jackson Avery and Vampires have in common . . .

“You WILL finish reading this recap.  And tell all your friends how many shirtless pictures of ME are in it.  I compel YOU!”

Like most of the doctors at Seattle Grace, Jackson hasn’t quite been “himself” since “The Shooting.”  He’s been repeatedly dropping his pants things, making mistakes, answering questions wrong, and making sloppy notes in his attending’s files.

“You just got called a dumb blonde,” sneers Karev, when he and Jackson overhear Teddy griping about the breathtakingly beautiful doctor. 

This gives Jackson an idea . . .

I bet you didn’t know this, but the Grey’s writers Jackson Avery just so happens to be a BIG fan of vampire television shows, like True Blood and The Vampire Diaries.  And, if you’ve ever watched those shows (and you should, because they are AWESOME), you know that just about once every episode, there’s a scene, where the beautiful vampire will stare directly into the unwitting victim’s eyes, and MAKE him or her do whatever the vampire says.

Well, Jackson may not be a vampire at least, that we know of, but he sure is beautiful enough to be one!  So, he decides to try to mind control Teddy into giving him surgeries.  And  IT WORKS . . .

 . . . at least for about 3 /4ths of the episode.   Teddy gets wise to Jackson’s evil vampire tricks, when she finds him partially nude in the locker room at work . . . obviously, waiting for her to find him like that.

Teddy is TOTALLY turned on PISSED!  She starts peppering Jackson with surgical questions.  And when he answers them correctly, she REALLY lets him have it!  (But not in the way, any of us, were secretly hoping she would 😉 ).

“You are more than the pretty face you make yourself out to be,” Teddy lectures.

She goes on to tell Jackson that, while flubbing up during rounds is not a fireable offense, flirting in the OR IS,which means this WHOLE CAST should have been canned a LONG TIME AGO.  “Put your shirt on, and scrub in,” she seethes, before stalking off.

Teddy is officially my hero  . . . except for the part where she told Jackson to put on his shirt.  That sucked.

“Men Don’t Discriminate, When It Comes To Jugs”

“And women don’t discriminate when it comes to &*^s.”

Speaking of objectification of the human body, throughout the episode, Arizona continues to avoid Mark like the plague — throwing out her best B*tch Face, whenever he tries to talk to Callie in front of her.  This isn’t surprising.  What is surprising, is who ends up putting a stop to it . . . THIS GUY!

Alex explains to Arizona that Mark saved Karev’s life during The Shooting.  he did this, even though, at the time, Karev was sleeping with his girl.  “That doesn’t sound like someone without a soul, does it?”

“So, what if he stares at your boobs?”  Karev continues.  “They’re good boobs.  I stare at them.  Sure, maybe they are lesbian boobs.   But guys don’t discriminate when it comes to boobs.  You should be nice to him, because you love her.”

And so, that was how Arizona came to ask Mark out on a date.  I smell a threesome . . .

Men DO discriminate when it comes to legs . . .

Speaking of Alex, telling Arizona that she had nice boobs wasn’t the only nice thing he did this episode.  (TWO nice things in one hour?  Surely, this has to be some kind of a Karev Record.)  It all started when Alex was doing his Pediatric Rotation with Arizona.  One of the patients he met there, was a young male ballet phenom, who was suffering from bone cancer.

In order to prevent the cancer from spreading, normal medical procedure would suggest that he would need to have his leg amputated.  The young ballet dancer was inconsolate over this suggestion.  Even if he was given the best prosthetic leg that money could buy, he would never be able to dance again.  To prove his point, the ballet dancer performs for Alex and the other doctors, right there in the hospital room.

The dance was touching.  But was even more touching was the boy’s big manly beefcake of a dad’s excited and super proud reaction to it.  Coolest . . . Patient’s  . . . Dad  . . . EVER!  I got teary just watching him.

Alex was affected by the performance too, which was why he HAD to find a way to rescue the dancer’s leg.  Enter April . . .

She of the Energizer Virginity (It keeps going . . . and going), and the Chore Wheels, and the Squeaky Voice.  It is SHE who recalls reading an article about a cadaver bone, which was used as a replacement for a cancerous human bone.  Alex is so overjoyed, he even gives April his fries!

Lexie is PISSED!

Maybe April is the New Izzie, after all . . . 😉

Although they don’t have a cadaver bone, Alex and Co. are able to remove the dancer’s leg bone, clean the cancer out of it, and reinstert it back inside the dancer.  So, the dancer will be able to dance again.  And everybody lives happily ever after . . .

Except Lexie . . .

You see, Girlfriend, has a BAD case of the Green Eyed Monster.  And everytime, she sees Meredith and the rest of the crew paling around with April, you can almost see the little tufts of steam rising out of her ears.

And when Lexie finds out that Meredith told April about her trip to the obstetrician and not her, she EXPLODES!  In fact, she’s pretty sure she’s going nuts, like that crazy lady from Six Feet Under, who drove her car into a laundromat, because her ex husband was in there, washing his new girlfriend’s “delicates.”

WOW, someone REALLY doesn’t like granny panties . . .

Fortunately, Meredith is able to calm Lexie down, by convincing her little sister that “you’re not crazy, you’re a Grey” (i.e. YOU’RE REALLY CRAZY!)

Ultimately, Lexie apologizes to April for being a total BIATCH to her for the past hour.  The pair even manage to reach some sort of a truce, as long as April doesn’t do anything crazy . . . like put up a Chore Wheel in the Meredith Grey Frat House of Love . . .

The part where patients’ suffer, so Meredith and Christina can work out their personal issues . . .

Who needs therapy, when you have a whole hospital full of patients, chock with “life lessons” right at your fingertips?  Christina’s life lesson comes from that lawyer with Aspergers from Boston Legal.  Only, now he is a professor, who eats worms.

*sings*  “Nobody likes me.  Everybody hates me.  I guess I’ll have to go eat WORMS!”

Apparently, the Professor was eating these worms, as part of his research toward finding a cure for asthma.  Ummm . . . eating worms . . . for asthma?  That kind of reminds me of those pharmaceutical commercials that sell medicine for Restless Leg Syndrome.  You know, the ones where the side effects are dry mouth, stroke, heart attack, loss of limbs, and BRUTAL PAINFUL DEATH?

But the Professor, man, he LOVES HIS WORMS!  He loves them so much, in fact, that he would rather risk his own life, than have a vital surgery, because said surgery might kill the worms!  Eventually, however, the Professor finds himself completely out of options.  Worms be damned.  Surgery is a MUST.  So, the Professor pleads with Christina to save the worms.  “When you love something, you will do anything for it,” he says.

Unfortunately, Christina is unable to save the Professor’s precious worms following surgery.

Wow, I can’t believe this show actually has the power to make me cry over DEAD WORMS! Way to go, Grey’s!

But her talk with the Professor, convinced her to return to surgery, FINALLY reminded her of how much she loves Owen.   In fact, she loves him so much, that she got him the apartment with the stripper fire pole!

YIPPEE!

For Meredith’s part, she meets a patient, who is just starting to show signs of Huntington’s disease.  However, rather than spend her last few “normal” months going to doctors and getting tests, she decides to take a trip to Brazil, and do lots of fun slutty things with Hot Sexy Latino Men.

MY KINDA LADY!

This gets Meredith to thinking about her mother’s struggles with early onset Alzheimers, and whether she too has the gene.  Meredith decides to let Christina take her blood and test her for it.  However, while the results are sitting at the lab, Meredith tells Derek what she has done, and he feels differently about it than she does.

Derek doesn’t want he and Meredith to spend the rest of their sort-of young lives fearing the inevitable.  He wants to have LOTS OF SEX (yay!), and work, and drink, and do all those other things we typically associate with “normal” life.  “Let’s just live,” concludes Derek.

Do YOU agree with him?

[www.juliekushner.com]

The Princess and the Bass – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Double Identity”

Ahhh, fairytales.  You’ve gotta love them: the gorgeous scenery, the beautiful costumes, the eventual happy endings.  But, of course, a fairytale just wouldn’t be a fairytale, without its memorable characters.  Every fairytale must have its Princess . . .

. . . her loyal subjects . . .

. . . her Prince Charming .  . .

. . . and an Evil Witch . . .

.  . . who, unbeknownst to everybody, puts a spell on Prince Charming, which forces him to engage in sexual intercourse with an Evil Raccoon Zombie, who has been programmed to systematically destroy ALL HAPPY COUPLES, EVERYWHERE!

“No man is safe!”

And then, inevitably, there will come a time, when one of our soulmates will find himself (or herself) in Grave Danger . . .

Perhaps, he will suffer “amnesia,” as a result.  Or, maybe, he remembers EVERYTHING . . .  But he is just so ashamed of his previous dalliances with Evil Raccoons .  . . that he simply wishes not to be found — even if not being found means losing his beautiful Princess, FOREVER.

And it is HERE, during this, our Darkest Hour, that we begin OUR story . . .

“I once was lost . . .”

This episode opens just as last week’s did, with Serena and Blair dining in an outdoor cafe in Paris.

Blair has GOOD NEWS to share with Serena!  Apparently, Prince Louis Grimaldi wants to get inside the Waldorf pantalones SO MUCH, that he’s willing to completely forget the whole “Blair only wants to go out with him, because he is filthy rich” thing.

“What can I say?  I have a soft spot for Upper East Side Pantalones!”

Meanwhile, Serena is trying to work through a MAJOR quandary.  In just a few days, she will heading back to New York, where there will be not one, but TWO men vying for her affections.  WHO will she choose?  The Stud . . .

. . .  or The Dud?

(or, as Blair calls him, The Donut . . .)

Image provided by pleasedrinkaknife.com

Clearly, this would be a tough decision for ANYONE (read: absolutely NO ONE) to make.  That is why it is a good thing that “The Force” is with Serena . . .

And, HOW do we know that The Force is with Miss van der Woodsen, while she is making this decision?   Well, because she’s wearing her Princess Leia’s Prisoner costume, of course!

Unfortunately, for Serena, she has little time to ponder her EPIC decision.  Soon after Blair heads off to prepare for her superficial magical date, Serena gets a phone call from her mother.

The conversation goes something like this:

Mama VDW: A body washed up in Paris.  The police think it belongs to Chuck Bass.  Would you be a dear, and go identify it for me?  I’d go myself.  But I don’t like to leave Rufus alone in the penthouse.  He has a habit of wearing my makeup, and trying on all my dresses in my absence . . .

Serena:  That depends.   Can I f*ck the body?

 Miss VDW:  No . . . remember what happened the LAST time?

Serena: Awwww!  You never let me have ANY fun!  *pouts*  FINNNNNE!  I’ll go!

So, off Serena gallops to the morgue . . .

There, she meets a guy who looks like Albert Einstein, back from the dead . . .

Reincarnated Einstein shows Serena Chuck’s wallet and passport, which she confirms did, in fact, belong to him.  Serena then braces herself, as Reincarnated Einstein lifts the sheet off the deceased’s body.   And it is .  . .

NOT CHUCK!

Of course, considering we ALL saw him end the end of last week’s episode, we already knew that . . .

Wake me when we actually learn something . . .

As luck would have it though, Chuck IS under a sheet at that very moment, just not the one Serena’s peeking under.  Instead, he’s cuddling in bed with a blonde!

“AHHHH!  Oh no!  Not her again!  It’s a nightmare!”

Don’t worry, Chuck, it’s NOT Jenny this time!

“Phew!  Wait . . . who is it then?  Did Blair dye her hair blonde, and not tell me?”

Wrong, again Chuck.  It’s THIS chick . . .

Apparently, Chuck . . . I’m sorry . .  . “Henry Prince” has been shacking up with Eva in Prague, ever since she nursed him back to health from that fatal gunshot wound.  Now, they have relocated to Paris, where Chuck Henry is set to begin work at Eva’s father’s restaurant.  As Chuck Henry heads out into the street, his new trusty cane in hand, he is almost HIT BY A TAXI!

And I bet you will NEVER GUESS who’s in the TAXI?

OMG!  It’s BLAIR!

Our two star-crossed lovebirds lock eyes for one beautiful moment. 

Then, Blair instructs the driver to keep moving, and Chuck Henry limps off dejectedly into the sunset.

” .  . . but now I’m found.”

Following her Morgue Trip, Serena returns to the home she is renting for the summer with Blair, to share with her Bestie all she has learned.  “I was at the Morgue today,” Serena offers, conversationally.

“Is that like a Sex Club?”  Blair inquires, showing us all just how well she knows her blonde friend.

“For me, yes.  But my mom said I couldn’t screw Chuck’s corpse.  She’s such a wet blanket!  It’s a place where they keep dead bodies,” Serena explains.

Serena then explains how Chuck was presumed dead, but is now, apparently, alive and Missing in Action.

“Consider him found,” replies Blair, offering up for discussion her own Bass-sized encounter, from earlier in the day.

Serena is worried about Chuck, and wants Blair to help her locate him.  Serena explains that there was blood on Chuck’s wallet, which may explain why he was limping and using a cane.  Blair, however (who is clearly in DENIAL of her Luuuuuuve), refuses to help find Chuck.  After all, she is about to head off on her boring  magical date with Louis the Royal . . .

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ . . ..

. . . and nothing as insignificant as a ONCE IN A LIFETIME ROMANCE is going to stop her.

Serena quickly (and a little too conveniently) locates Chuck’s and Eva’s new digs, after talking to one of Eva’s relatives.  (Yes, because that’s what my family members do ALL THE TIME:  give my address out to random strangers dressed like Princess Leia.  That’s not risky behavior at all.) 

Serena knocks on the temporary  lovebirds’ door.  Chuck answers.  He then tells Serena that “The man you are looking for is not here,” before SLAMMING THE DOOR IN HER FACE!

Not one to be deterred by rejection (or venereal diseases, or whether the object of her affection is still alive . . . or human), Serena remains outside Chuck’s apartment, like any good stalker would, and waits for him to re-emerge.  Eventually, he does. 

“Awww, man!  You again? Why do they keep sticking me with the blondes, when all I really want is the BRUNETTE!”

“You, should have thought of THAT before you banged the Evil Zombie Raccoon, Bass-tard!”

Serena tries to convince Chuck to come home, where people care about him.  She tells him that he should not hide from who he is.  But HIDE is exactly what Chuck Henry Princetends to do.  In fact, he is scheduled to pick up a fake passport with his new fake (and lame) name that very day.  “There will be NO more Chuck Bass,”  He explains matter-of-factly.

“I was blind . . .”

Once again, Blair is busy preparing for a date with her sweet but dull new Rebound Guy beau, Louis the Royal.  This time, because it is really 1862, he’s invited her out to a BALL. 

Really, Louis?  Isn’t this your third date?  Don’t most guys your age, take their girlfriends out to Mickey D’s for this one, so that they can get laid before SNL starts?  Ummmm . . . Louis, it’s called “trying too hard” . . . and you’re doing it.

Once again, Serena comes by to BEG Blair to convince Chuck to ditch being a “Prince” and return to being his “Bass-tardy” self.  But Blair is not about to let some Evil Queen  . . .

 . . . ruin her fairytale.  She has no interest in speaking to Chuck.

Not wanting to be the Evil Queen (AGAIN), Serena decides to let Blair have her boring fun, and tells her not to worry about Chuck.

However, when Serena receives an envelope containing a deed to Chuck’s Empire hotel, she begins to become even more concerned about his welfare and state of mind.  Serena leaves a phone message with Blair, again begging her to reconsider.

At Harry Winston, Blair, already clad in her evening gown, is picking out jewelry for the Ball, when she comes across a very special ring.

 . . . and wouldn’t you know it, it just so happens to be the ring Chuck bought to propose to Blair — the one that he wouldn’t let go of, even after being held at gunpoint, even after being shot, and nearly bleeding to death!!!!!!  It’s ring that, even though the muggers SHOT Chuck specifically to steal it, was miraculously returned to a Harry Winston store in a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT COUNTRY from where it was initially stolen, completely unscathed.

Clearly, this ring has special powers . . .

One ring to rule them all  . . .

At the same time, Serena magically appears . . .

Ta Da!

 .  . . along with the inspector, who just so happens to be investigating Chuck’s “disappearance.”  As it turns out, the inspector JUST THIS MOMENT discovered that this STOLEN ring, which its thieves apparently tried to exchange for cash, at the SNOOTIEST, MOST EXPENSIVE, OFTEN FREQUENTED BY ROYALTY, jewelry store in Paris, once belonged to Chuck, and, by extension, ALMOST belonged to Blair.

Huh?

“Chuck was shot?”  Blair whispers, her voice breaking as she speaks, not believing the words that are coming out of her mouth.

Not only was Chuck SHOT, he was SHOT clinging tightly to what could have been Blair’s engagement ring.  For Chuck, it was a final act of love, for a women he truly believed would never again love him in return.  

(Now, even a snarky cynic like me, can’t joke about THAT!  That’s the sweetest thing I have EVER heard.)

FINALLY, realizing all that he had sacrificed for her, Blair decides that she HAS to talk to Chuck, and convince him to come back home. If she doesn’t, she will surely spend the rest of her life regretting it.

” . . . but now I see.”

Off Blair rushes to the train station to catch Chuck before he disappears once again . . . this time, quite possibly for good.  The two meet on a train platform overlooking the city.  She is dressed like a Princess; He, like Pauper.  The pair’s eyes meet, and the natural chemistry between them instantly electrifies the whole screen.  Yes, Chuck and Blair fans!  THIS is the moment we’ve been waiting all summer for!

“Just because you are poorly dressed, doesn’t mean you are not Chuck Bass,” offers Blair.  (Leave it to Blair to talk fashion choices at a time like this . . .)

Blair then expresses hurt that Chuck never told her that he had been so badly hurt.  Despite their problems, this was something she felt she would want to know.  Chuck explains that when he woke up in the hospital, and realized that no one knew where he was, he decided that he no longer had to BE a man he now despised . . . Chuck Bass.  Chuck wishes to change, to become a person someone could love. 

“Someone did love you,” replies Blair, causing tears to well up in Chuck’s eyes.

“I destroyed the only thing I ever loved,” Chuck says morosely, leaning toward Blair, yet cautiously keeping his distance, fearing that if he gets any closer, he will completely break down.

Blair then calmly explains to Chuck that she doesn’t love him anymore . . .

 . . . but that it would take more than him to destroy Blair Waldorf. 

(Awww, see!  They both like to talk about themselves in the third person!  Anyone else would find that REALLY ANNOYING!  Clearly, these two are made for one another.)

And, just in case, any of you cynics out there doubted for a SECOND that there was hope for these two crazy kids, yet, Blair confirms it with her final heartfelt statement: “It wouldn’t be My World, without you in it.”

Later, Chuck meets up with Eva, once again. 

She is happy to see him.  Having seen Blair, who she recognized running to the train station the other day, Eva became convinced that Chuck had left Eva to be with her (which he SHOULD have).  Chuck promises Eva that this was not his intention. 

As it turns out, Chuck wants to return to New York.  Once there, he intends to become a better person than he once was.  He would like Eva to come with him.  She inquires whether he has already purchased tickets for them.   “We don’t need tickets,” Chuck explains.  “I’m Chuck Bass.”

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, THE BASS HAS RE-ENTERED THE BUILDING!

Realizing that, like Chuck, SHE was also running away from her problems, by staying in Paris, Blair promptly dumps Louis the Boring Royal . . . but leaves him a smelly high heel to remember her by .  . .

Just like Cinderella . . . only not.

Meanwhile, back in Psycho Stalker Land . . .

Virtual Stranger Juliet offers to be Nate’s “Life Coach,” after learning that Serena sent him a cryptic text message, saying that she, “Needs to talk to [him].”

Nate instantly takes Juliet up on her offer.  Real smart, Nate!  I know I always make it a habit to take life advice from people I know next to nothing about, who, despite having just met me, already have pictures of me plastered all over their bedroom wall . . .

Ummm, how exactly did Brilliant Nate get into Columbia?  And don’t say nepotism, because his Dad just so happens to be a Lowlife Loser White Collar Crook . . .

As Nate’s Life Ruiner Coach, Juliet’s first instruction is that he eliminate all competition for Serena’s heart.

According to Juliet, this can be done by pushing the competition out a 13-story window getting said competition involved with another girl who is NOT Serena.  Juliet mentions Dan’s name.  However, Nate does not consider Dan competition.  (Who would?) 

Nevertheless, Juliet is determined to prove to Nate that Dan IS his competition, and therefore, must be DESTROYED!  So, Juliet and Nate head to Dan’s place.  Once there, Nate casually asks Dan, if he has heard from Serena.  Dan says he hasn’t.   Yet, when Dan leaves the room.  Juliet nabs his cell phone, and, after doing a bit of snooping, promptly shows it to Nate.  It says THIS:

“OMG, NATE,” says Juliet.  “See what this says.  Apparently,  Serena sent a message to Dan about wanting to see HIM TOO!  And even though it says the message is “NEW,” which usually means the person HASN’T READ IT  YET, clearly, Dan has already read it.  He just made it LOOK like it was still not read, to psych you out.  He KNEW you would be checking his text messages, when he left the room.  That sneaky bastard.  Dan is TOTALLY out to steal your girl, Nate.”

Not typically one to “think for himself” (It gives him a headache.), the gorgeous, but mentally “special” Nate reluctantly agrees that Dan is, in fact, probably, trying to steal Serena from him.

“Oh, it’s ON  . . .”

“Like Donkey Kong . . .”

After a few moments of brain-burning THOUGHT, Nate and Juliet come to realize that the only other person, aside from Serena, that would currently be willing to bang Papa Dan, is Vanessa .  . .

So, like any good 13-year old girl, Juliet tells Vanessa that she heard that Nate said . . .  that Dan said .  . . that Dan . . . REALLY wants to bone Vanessa on a regular basis.  Nate, who’s nonexistent short term memory has caused him to forget that HE was once IN LOVE with Vanessa, plays along.  He agrees with Juliet that Vanessa should TOTALLY ride that Humping Humphrey Pony. 

And so, ride it, Vanessa does . . .

The next day, Vanessa tells Dan how happy she is that Juliet passed her a note in gym class that said “Humping Humphrey has the Hots for Venereal Disease-Free Vanessa.”  After all, if not for Juliet and Nate, Dan and Vanessa might not have gotten around to doing the horizontal mambo for a whole TWO MORE EPISODES.  When Dan hears about his alleged “crush,” he makes this face . . .

FINALLY, figuring out that his so-called friend has played him like a fiddle, Dan texts Nate the following:  “I know what you did last summer told Vanessa.”

Nate rushes over to his boyfriend’s house to explain his bad behavior.  But while the two are discussing the REAL reason behind Nate’s underhandedness: Juliet’s Psychosis His and Dan’s mutual feelings for Serena, Vanessa overhears.  Realizing that she will ALWAYS be the boys’ second choice, behind Serena (well . . . maybe THIRD CHOICE . . . behind Serena and Blair . . . or is it fourth choice?  Behind Serena, Blair AND Evil Jenny . . . and what about Georgina . . .)  Vanessa storms out in a huff.

Later, Dan decides that he DOES like Vanessa better than Serena, after all, for now.  (Unlike S, who literally screwed everything that moved this summer, V is most likely VD free.  So, at least, she has THAT going for her.)  So, Dan apologizes to Vanessa, and the two become a couple again for the 865th time since Gossip Girl began.

By the time, Serena finally arrives back in NYC — ready to make her “Big Choice” between Dan and Nate –her two suitors are already otherwise occupied, or so she thinks.  At the apartment, Serena finds Dan clutching Boring Vanessa’s hand, and Nate clutching Crazy Juliet’s hand.  So, it looks like Serena will have to go back to screwing random men on the streets for a while . . .

It wouldn’t be the first time . . . and it probably won’t be the last.

After Serena goes off with her tail between her legs, looking for her next conquest, Nate asks Juliet out for real.  Ummm, Nate, have you ever seen the movie Fatal Attraction?  Because you might want to Netflix it before taking this chicky out . . . just saying.

A photograph of Juliet Sharp in about 20 years . . .

At the conclusion of the episode, we see Juliet staring up at her Wall of Weird . . .

From the Wall, she promptly removes all photos of Nate, Dan and Vanessa.  In fact, she removes EVERY photo from the wall, except for Serena’s mugshot.  On the phone, she tells someone unknown to the viewers:  “I had to improvise a bit.  But it’s done . . . Hang in there.  I miss you.”

Ummmmm . . . OK . . . maybe NATE isn’t the one who has to worry about a Fatal Attraction.  Hide your pet bunny, Serena!

Oh, and did I mention that apparent Blood EXPERT (and possible Vampire) Papa Rufus determined, based on the kid’s blood type, that Baby Milo most likely isn’t Dan’s (which 99.9% of us knew already)?  No?  Well . . . now I have.

XOXO!

(Note:  A number of the screencaps above were provided courtesy of cwtv.com and chuckandblairtheperfectpair.wordpress.com.  Thanks to both sites for the fabulous photo stills.)

[www.juliekushner.com]

What Lies Beneath – A Recap of True Blood’s Season 3 Finale “Evil is Going On”

Tonight’s Season Finale dealt mainly with the types of things that are hidden beneath the surface.  They can be “hidden” in the literal sense,

Oh hi, Russell!  I didn’t see you there!

 . . . the geographic sense,

Welcome to Hicksville, U.S.A.

 . . . or the internal sense.

Inner Fairy

Inner Dick

However, perhaps, the most pernicious things hidden beneath the surface are secrets.  And it was those secrets that truly drove tonight’s episode.

Another F&cked Up Fairytale . . .

“Beam me up, Fairy!”

The episode opens with yet another one of those trippy fairy dream sequences that have become so prevalent, during the latter half of this season.  Sookie is frolicking in the forest, when she comes across what appears to be a giant chandelier, descending from the sky.

Don’t buy it, Sookie!  The monthly electric bill alone would kill you.

Sookie looks in awe at the beautiful alien chandelier for a few moments, before closing her eyes.  Then, unfortunately, the beautiful image is replaced by a much less attractive one . . .

No, this picture is not inverted.  That is actually how Bill’s head looked in the screencap.

Sookie is not at all happy to be woken up from Fairly Land, and she lets Bill know it.  “You f*ckin betrayed me again,” she growls at Bill.  (Damn straight, Sista!)

“I wuz jes trah-ing to pro-tect yuuu, AGIN!”  Bill replies.

They spar a bit longer.   However, when Sookie learns from Pam that the future love of her life (Eric) is outside getting one hell of a sun tan, she leaves Bill’s mopey butt, and dashes out of Fangtasia, to save her man.

What’s with Sookie doing so much running in this episode?  Can’t fairies fly?

They have wings, don’t they?

Sookie finds Eric, whose massive sunburn makes him look a bit like a teenager with a really bad case of acne.  In fact, it was probably the first time in Alexander Skarsgard’s life that he didn’t look the least bit sexy.

Don’t worry, Eric!  A few dabs of Proactive will clear that right up!

While Sookie pouts, and tries to figure out how to move the six plus feet of pure sex that is Eric’s bod, Russell taunts her mercilessly about not using her Fairy Glow Fingers to save him.  Though not AT ALL in a position to threaten, Ballsy Russell tells Sookie that he will kill everyone she loves, if she doesn’t use her magic.

I use this picture of Russell, because it’s the only I could find to show him burning.  But this screencap MASSIVELY overestimates his appearance.  Here is a more accurate represenation . . .

While all this is going on a delirious Eric is talking to the apparation of his daddy . . .

. . . who has taken time out of his busy Angeling Schedule to lecture Eric about being good, kind, and forgiving, and blah, blah, blah . . . I almost fell asleep typing that.

Papa Killjoy

Finally, Sookie figures out how to be a fairy!

She uses her Glow Fingers to toss Russell against a fence, and break the silver chains encircling Eric.  She then drags him inside.  As Eric is in desperate need of blood, Sookie has Bill bite her arm to release some.  She  instructs Bill to keep watch on Eric to make sure he doesn’t accidentally drain the life out of her, like Bill did a few episodes ago.  Ever, the gentleman, Eric maintains his control, taking just enough blood from Sookie’s arm to clear up the acne on his face.  The feeding scene is sweet, and VERY sexy.  MOMMY LIKE!

Yes, boys and girls, arm sucking is the Gateway to Sex!

Once Eric is back to his gorgeous self . . .

 . . . he informs the group that he has to go save Russell, because Ghost Dad told him to do so.  Pam, is not cool with that AT ALL.  “He killed your family.  Rip off his f*cking head,” she says. 

I love Pam.

The only LIVING being in the bunch, Sookie, reluctantly runs outside AGAIN, to grab Russell . . .

 . . . and bring him back inside Fangtasia.

But, alas, just when the party is really getting started, the vampires realizes that they must “go to ground.”  Eric asks Sookie to watch Russell, since she is the only human-ish person he can’t glamour.  Sookie does not care for this idea one bit.  “I’m not babysitting this f*cker, while you all take a nap!”  She whines.  (Have you ever noticed that they say f*ck a lot on this show?)

Bill offers to stay with her while she watches the Russell Steak thaw, but she denies his ass.

Adventures in Babysitting

In a fun, but slightly disturbing scene, Russell attempts to bargain with Sookie for his release, while she boredly reads the latest issue of US Weekly.  Interestingly enough, she requests: $7 million, Russell’s home in Mississippi, and  . . . the DEATHS of Bill and Eric.

But then she changes the subject, turning her attention to Russell’s prized container of Talbot Soup. . .

I taste delicious when sprinkled with some oyster crackers.

Sookie inquires why Russell has been carrying Talbot Soup around so long.  He admits that he hopes that Sookie’s fairy blood will help to restore Talbot from the viscous liquid he is now, to the adorable, fashion advice-giving stallion he was a few episodes back.  So, Sookie, laughing maniacally the whole time, POURS TALBOT DOWN THE SINK!

“Ick!  When’s the last time Eric had his pipes cleaned?  This place is rank!”

And that was when any hope I had of an Eric / Talbot Revenge Sex Reunion literally went right down the drain . . .

Sam’s Grand Redemption Tour

If you recall, during the last episode, a drunk and belligerent Sam made a buttload of enemies, by more or less insulting all of Bon Temps.  Then he screwed Tara . . .

Apparently, there is nothing like a good roll in the hay with someone just as f*cked up as you are, to help you see the world in a new light.  The following morning, Sam is all happy, perky, and well-adjusted.  He’s making his hot cakes, with bacon grease.  Because, “it’s all about the bacon grease.”

See, personally, I think hot cakes are all about the syrup . . . but that’s just me.

In fact, Sam is in such a good mood, he decides to give Tara a pep talk about starting a new life, and banishing the demons of her past.  (Because those who CAN do, and those who CAN’T teach . . .)  Sam also confesses to Tara that he is a shapeshifter, to which she responds “Shut the f*ck up!”

Coincidentally, “Shut the F*ck Up” just so happens to also be the title of Tara’s upcoming autobiography . . .

Once Sam is done rocking Tara’s world, he heads over to Terry’s house to apologize for calling him a headcase and firing him the night before.  When Sam finds Terry crying on the porch, he immediately thinks  its because of his own drunken rampage.

“You’re so vain.  You probably think this tantrum’s about you . . .”

As it turns out, Terry is crying tears of JOY!

Oddly enough, Terry seems to be the ONLY person living in Bon Temps who is GENUINELY HAPPY!  (Weird, I know.)  He shares with Sam his good news about his Devil Baby still being alive, and his future stepkids being OK.  But what pleased ME most was Terry’s positive report on Felix the Armadillo, who I have been worried about terribly, since he was mentioned once during Season 1 and then never again . . .

It lives!  Hooray!

Sam goes to visit Tommy next . . .

. . . but the little Doggie Dude is missing, and seems to have ransacked his living quarters.  At Merlotte’s, Sam learns that Tommy has also emptied out the ENTIRE safe of all cash.  So, Sam hunts down Tommy in the forest with his trusty gun.

 Talk about handling things the WRONG way!  It was so very obvious that Tommy took the money, because he had no other way of supporting himself, but dog fighting.  The kid can’t even READ for crying out loud!  All Sam had to do to get his money back, was rehire Tommy, and ask him to come back home.  But he didn’t.  He just threatened him . . . with a GUN!

So, when Tommy told Sam that the latter didn’t have the guts to shoot him, and walked away cash in hand, Sam called his bluff  . . . and shot him. 

Now, I know we are supposed to believe Sam KILLED his own brother over a bit of petty cash and some lame insults.  However, the scene didn’t fool me for a second.  I’m thinking Sam shot Tommy in the foot to incapacitate him.  This way, he could get back his money, and bring Tommy back home.  But, I’ve been wrong before . . .  (By the way, if both Sam and Tommy wanted to out run eachother, why didn’t each just shapeshift into a fast animal?)

Fang-intervention

“Is this thing on?”

Speaking of guns, up until this episode, Self-Righteous Witch Maxine Fortenberry was just about the last person I would have expected to purchase one.  That is, until the end of the episode, when she DID.  If you recall, last week, Maxine and Summer banded together to “save” Hoyt from the clutches of Vampire Jessica. 

Because Hoyt and Vampire Jessica are currently the cutest vampire / human couple on the PLANET . . .

 (remember, Sookie and Eric aren’t technically together . . . yet), we hope Maxine’s PLAN fails miserably.  So, far ait has.  Maxine’s Big Idea was to stage an “intervention” at Hoyt’s job . . .

Most Pathetic Attendance at an Intervention EVER!

Heading up the intervention is Hoyt’s high school guidance counselor, who has NO experience in psychological counseling whatsoever.  Hoyt, who, by the way, is looking INCREDIBLY sexy and buff, this episode . . .

 (maybe it all that vampire blood he ingested) . . . told the Intervention Crew in no uncertain terms that he loved Vampire Jessica, and anyone who didn’t approve of that, might as well get out of his life.  Mama Maxine tried to win him over with threats of disownment.  However, seeing as Hoyt is now financially independent, and has his own place, there was nothing Maxine could say to change his mind.  The fact that Maxine is such an odios poopyhead, certainly didn’t help matters .  . .Hoyt then gallantly told Summer that he wished her the best, and hope she met the perfect guy one day (a male porcelain doll, perhaps?), before stalking off. 

Later, in a very sweet scene, Hoyt surprises Jessica, by inviting her to live in a brand new apartment that he rented just for the two of them . . .

When Jess comments that she can’t live without him, Hoyt replies that she’ll never have to.  (Ummmm, yeah, except she’s IMMORTAL and your NOT, so . . .)  Logistics of vampire / human relationships aside, the way that statement was made, while the camera lingered on a strange item on Hoyt’s new living room floor, and the way the scene immediately shifted to Maxine and her “target practice” made me worry about Hoyt’s fate in a way that I haven’t before . . . particularly, since, another fairly major character from the books, unceremoniously bit the dust this week.

“My name is Jason”

Jason Stackhouse: Guardian and Protector of all things trailer trashy

After seeing the DEA piling into to squad cars, right outside the police precinct . . .

 . . . and speaking with Andy, who inadvertently revealed that there would be a raid on the trailers at Hotshot that day, Jason jumps into action.

He and Crystal head to Hotshot, to warn the all the inbreds to hide their meth and V stashes . . .

. . . though initially skeptical, the “Hotshots” eventually agree to hide their stash.  But then, a hopped-up-on-V, Crazy Felton leaps into the scene, inexplicably shooting Calvin Norris dead.  He then threatens to kill everyone, if Crystal doesn’t go with him, and leave town with the massive V stash.  Jason pulls out the classic, “You’ll have to kill me first,” line, but Crystal has other plans . . . 

I’ve gotta say, sex with Crystal must be FABULOUS.  

How else could she possibly get Jason to agree to become King of the Trailer Park?  Because that pretty much looks like the WORST JOB EVER.    Nevertheless, the position does have ONE job perk that Jason might enjoy.  This will probably be the only workplace on the planet where Jason Stackhouse is the SMARTEST GUY IN THE ROOM  . . .

In Other News . . .

Before I get back to Sookie, and the Main Event, lets get some of the less important (and less interesting) storylines out of the way, shall we. 

“Just keep smoking up, Tara.  Because if ANYONE needs to loosen up, it’s YOU!”

You know your character is going through a storyline dryspell, when it’s the SEASON FINALE of a show, and the most exciting thing you do during the ENTIRE HOUR is give yourself a bad haircut, one that makes you look a bit like Vanessa Huxtable from The Cosby Show.

 . . . which would be fine, if it were still 1988.

(Based on some of the message board comments, I know some of you out there really liked the new ‘do.  But it just really didn’t work for me.  Sorry!)

After not-so-subtly saying what sound like final goodbyes to Sookie and her mother (What?  NO Lafayette?), we last see Tara driving off into the sunset.  Hopefully, she’s just going to the beauty salon to FIX THAT HAIR, and isn’t gone for good . . .

Speaking of Lafayette .  . .

. . . he’s still tripping on the aftershocks of that V he took with Jesus.  And now, it’s making him see auras (?), secrets(?), hallucinations(?) — it’s hard to tell exactly what.  All I know is his visions involved Sam with blood on his hands, and an evil murderous Rene strangling, Arlene and warning Lafayette that he is INSIDE of her.  The fact that both visions are ostensibly TRUE (Sam shot his ex and her boyfriend, and, possibly Tommy.  And Arlene DOES seem to have a Devil Baby.), just makes this whole storyline even stranger.

Fearing he is going schizo like his mother, a very freaked out Lafayette seeks help from Jesus . . .

 . . . but THIS GUY comes instead . . .

The OTHER Jesus explains that Lafayette’s visions will calm down once Lafayette learns how to use MAGIC to control them.  Yes, apparently, Jesus is a WITCH . . . .

 . . . meaning, maybe, Lafayette is one too.  Geez, is ANYONE just plain human on this show, anymore?

Sookie de-friends ALL vampires on Facebook / joins Fairy Group.

“It’s complicated.”

Back at Fangtasia, Sookie is babysitting Russell still, when Alcide ARRIVES!

 . .. and he is looking so INSANELY GORGEOUS that Ginger can’t help but scream like a fangirl at the sight of him.

 .  . . OK .  . . that wasn’t why she screamed.  But that would have made a lot more sense. 

Alcide wasn’t even in werewolf form.  What the heck is so frightening about a modelesque hunk with perfect abs?  Seriously, Ginger.  Overreact much?  Did you forget you are working in the same room with someone who LITERALLY looks like this?

Anyway, apparently, Eric invited Alcide over to watch Sookie.  (This also didn’t make any sense, seeing as Eric himself appeared, just moments later.)  But, hey, no complaints here!  Alcide and Sookie flirt a bit, which is always fun to watch.  “You in trouble again?”  He asks wryly.

“When am I not in trouble,” she replies smirking.

Alcide REALLY turns on the charm.   And Sookie, who, at this point, is pretty much pissed at every other man on the show, is not immune.  “Why do you have to be such a good guy, right now?”  She asks.

“I am always a good guy,” replies Alcide matter-of-factly.

“I may be a GOOD GUY, but I can still do BAD THINGS with YOU, Miss Stackhouse!”

Unfortunately, Sookie’s and Alcide’s brief hot moment is interrupted by the return of the vamps, who have come to take Russell to his “final death.”

Still pissed, Sookie makes a point to rescind all preexisting vampire invites to her home.  This causes a smug smile to erupt on Alcide’s face, and causes Bill to glare at his would-be werewolf replacement.  “When you two are finished eye-f*cking eachother, can we go?”  Eric inquires impatiently.

(Honestly, I’d take a good eye f*ck from Alcide, any day!)

Wouldn’t you?

Outside Fangtasia, Alcide announces that his father’s debt to Eric has officially been paid off, and his time being Vampire B*tch is DONE.   Boy do we hope he’s lying, because we LOVE our, Alcide! 

“Oh, he’ll be back.  Even the toughest of werewolves can’t resist the charms of a fairy . . .”

Bill and Eric drop Russell into a cement pit.  Russell threatens that, when he gets out in 100 years (a “nap” for a vamp), he will wreak even more havoc on all of them.  Bill and Eric don’t really seem to care.

Eric is about ready to flip the switch, when Godric arrives AGAIN to bore us with his annoying pleas for peace and love.   Did you ever see those cartoons, where the angel sits on one of the main character’s shoulders, and the devil sits on the other?   But the angel is always so self-righteous and lame, that if you didn’t want to see the character sin before, you REALLY want him to sin, after the exchange is over? 

 Oh yeah, that’s Godric, in this episode . . .

Dear sweet, Godric.  You were so much more fun, when you tragically sacrificed yourself to the Sun, causing Sookie and Eric to almost have sex, as a result . . .

Ever the petulant teen, Eric disregards his “father’s good advice” and he and Bill flip the switch, covering Russell in cement.  (Wouldn’t it have been easier just to bake him in the sun, when the episode started?)  Then Bill surprises Eric, by offering him a hand to shake.  However, when Eric takes that hand, Bill tosses him into the cement, and flips the switch AGAIN!

Not cool, Vampire Bill!

As if that wasn’t bad enough, the so-called “kinder, gentler” vamp, steals Eric’s cell phone, and orders a hit on Pam, impersonating Eric to do it.  Next, Bill visits Sookie, explaining to her that he has killed Eric. Furthermore, he will kill ANY vampire who has tasted her blood, or just knows that she is a fairy (like Pam), because none of these vamps will ever be able to resist her once they know.  (Ummm, Bill?  Doesn’t that definition include YOU?)

(Why do I suddenly feel like I’m watching a Lifetime Movie, and the crazy stalker boyfriend who’s just been dumped has uttered the oh-so-cliched “If I can’t have her, no one can!” line.)

But Sookie, ever the glutton for punishment, is obviously turned on by stalker / murderer types.  Because she rushes right back into his arms.  And then Eric magically appears . . .

 . . . looking hotter than ever, with strategically placed bits of cement on his face and in his hair. 

Question:  If both Eric and Pam (as we find out later in the episode) could break through cement in a relatively short amount of time, aren’t we to assume Russell can too?

Eric has come to get back his phone, and to tell Sookie the truth about Bill.  Apparently, not only did he EXPLICITLY court Sookie, solely at the behest of Sophie Anne, who wished to procure a fairy for her collection.  He also orchestrated the whole vampire blood drainer attack from the pilot episode, to get her to feed him her blood, thus forging the initial connection between them.

WOW!  I really didn’t think Alan Ball had it in him, given his insane and irrational love for Vampire Bill.  And yet, Ball has managed to make the Bill character EVEN MORE DEVIOUS than he was in the books!  Color me impressed!

And I have to say, my heart really went out to Sookie, who was genuinely shocked and heartbroken by this admission.  Our Favorite Fairy promptly rescinded her home invitation to both Bill and Eric once again.  She then told Bill, in no uncertain terms, that she never wants to see him again.  “Go back to Hell where you came from you f*cking undead piece of sh*t!”  She yells tearfully. 

To his credit, Eric does not appear the least bit pleased with his moral victory over the Man Who Tried to Kill Him.  And it is Eric’s genuine guilt over hurting Sookie that makes me KNOW that those two have a genuine shot together.  “It pains me to see you suffer like this.  I thought you had a right to know,” the Viking Vamp says solemnly, before quietly leaving Sookie’s property. 

The episode ends with Vampire Bill, dumped, demoralized, and with nothing to lose, challenging Sophie Anne . . .

 to a . . . flying contest?

Something tells me Vigilante Bill is going to be WAY more fun to watch than Mopey Boyfriend Bill.  Just saying . . .

Oh, and then Sookie communes with the fairies, in the cemetery, while visiting her Granny’s grave . . .

 . . . she then disappears inside the Giant Chandelier . . .

So, that was it . . . That’s all the True Blood we’re going to get, until next summer.  I for one was expecting a more action packed finale, with a few more questions answered. Honestly, this didn’t really feel like “season ending” episode to me.

 And yet, there were parts of this episode I really liked  — most notably, the return of Alcide, and the final confrontation between Sookie, Bill and Eric, which, for me, had been a LONG time coming.  Not to mention that if Season 4 of True Blood is ANYTHING like Book 4 of the series on which the show is based, then we have A LOT of fun coming our way . . . 😉

Well, that’s all I have to say about “Evil is Going On.”  Now, it’s your turn Fangbangers.  What did you think of the episode?  Were you as underwhelmed as I was?  Or was there some brilliance to it all that I missed?  Perhaps, more importantly, what do you think will happen to our favorite Bon Temps residents, next year?  And how are you planning to pass the time, until then?

[www.juliekushner.com]