BLAIR: Is that my soulmate acting like he’s madly in love with the personality-free Special Guest Star?
DAN: I’m afraid so . . . Is that MY soulmate, acting like she’s totally cool with spending Valentine’s Day drinking cheap beer at a sleazy bar, with the ex-con waiter, who very well may be a sociopath?
BLAIR: Sure is!
DAN: I feel like locking myself in my room, and watching a horror movie.
BLAIR: I think we’re already watching one . . .
Did you read Shakespeare’s Midsummer Night’s Dream? You know, the one where there’s a big party in the forest. And the evil King makes the Big Gay Fairy put spells on all the couples, so that they fall madly in love with all the WRONG people, for all the wrong reasons. If I recall correctly, someone even falls in love with a DONKEY’S ASS . . .
Yeah, that’s kind of how I felt about this week’s Gossip Girl Valentine’s Day Addition. (Don’t worry, Dair fans. I’m not here to attack your ship, today. My wrath, instead, is directed at two new so-called couples that I think we ALL can agree SUCK ROYALLY.) Specifically, I’m referring to the BIZARRO pairings of Serena/Ben and Chuck/Raina, and how each of the aforementioned Gruesome Twosomes behaved, during this wild and wacky hour.
Seriously, GG writers, I haven’t been this confused by two members of the Non-Judging Breakfast Club, since Chuck boned the Raccoon Zombie . . .
. . . and Serena dated the odious Aaron Rose . . .
Remember THIS douchebag?
Because, here’s the thing. As teen drama fans, we inherently accept the notion that the couples we worship can’t ALWAYS be together. TV watching probably wouldn’t be much fun, if they were. After all, sometimes the “getting together” and “getting BACK together” of our favorites ships is the best part of the show!
And, for that reason, we put up with the random Special Guest Star, who plays the Love Interest, for three or four episodes, before going back into the Anonymous Hole from which he or she came. Correction, we put up with it . . . WHEN IT’S CONSISTENT WITH CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT.
Here’s looking at YOU, Miss Duff!
So, for Serena, we accepted her dalliances with Carter, Trip, Professor Hotpants, and yes, even the odious Adam Rose. Because these were individuals who had things in common with Serena, and reflected the life path she was on, at the point during which she dated them. And we (sort of) accepted Chuck’s relationship with the BLAND Eva, because we knew he was in pain, after all that happened with Blair, and being shot in Prague. We knew that Chuck chose Eva, dull as she was, in attempt to shun everything about his life that had caused him such heartache, during the prior season.
But I CANNOT, for the life of me, understand what would possess Serena to fall in love with CREEPY BEN, who’s CREEPY SISTER, ruined Serena’s life, and nearly killed her, AT HIS BEHEST. And I CANNOT fathom how Chuck (a guy who took SEASONS to finally tell Blair he loved her) could fall SO completely head-over-heels for the lackluster Raina Thorpe within TWO episodes, that he would be willing to build her a Creepy Loveshack Room in one of his party halls, or betray his entire family, to try and please her Evil Dick of a Dad.
But like the strange happenings in Midsummer Night’s Dream, I chose to chalk all this weirdness up to a Big Gay Fairy, and some Black Valentine’s Day Magic . . .
So, with that being said, let’s get on with the recap, shall we?
Damn the Man! Save the Empire!
When the episode begins, Chuck has scheduled a meeting with the Eeeevil Russell Thorpe. He wishes to make one last valiant attempt to save Bass Industries by . . . you guessed it . . . THROWING A BIG PARTY. Coincidentally, here are some other problems Chuck Bass would likely solve by Throwing a Big Party: (1) He had a bad day. (2) He had a good day. (3) He lost his favorite shoe. (4) He lost his favorite bathrobe. (5) He lost his favorite bong. (6) He lost his favorite Blair.
Chuck feel that the Bass name has equity. And he somehow believes that throwing yet ANOTHER big party (cause he hasn’t done THAT in about a week!) will show Russell that this is true.
Chuck also REALLY wants to get laid on Valentine’s Day. So, Eeevill Russell (who likes to boogie, as much as any mid 40-something Hotel Tycoon) agrees to refrain from killing Chuck’s company for 36 hours, while the latter plans the Best Valentine’s Day Bash EVER! *insert Cupid eyeroll*
Meanwhile, over at the offices for W Magazine . . .
Have It-Girl, Will Travel
Blair, who has VERY REALISTICALLY risen from stapler-grabbing intern to Second-in-Command at W Magazine in about TWO days, is brainstorming with her “staff” as to which “It Girl” the magazine should follow around on Valentine’s Day for an “Expose Article.” Since the Hiltons, the Kardashians, and every other socialite with a sextape is busy that day, someone suggests Serena van der Woodsen. But Blair has a
n even more boring better idea. Why doesn’t the magazine cover Raina Thorpe?
I mean this girl is SO THRILLING to watch on television! So you can imagine how RIVETING she would be on paper!
Of course, as per usual, Blair has ulterior motives for selecting Raina as the subject of the magazine piece. After all, she knows that Chuck has been wooing Raina, as part of his Master Plan to save Bass Industries. And, seeing as she still luuuuuuves him, doing this piece will conveniently allow Blair to keep tabs on her man, during Valentine’s Day.
In a classic game of Telephone, Blair mentions her devious plan to Serena, who inexplicably tells Chuck. Chuck then tells Serena that he actually does LOVE Raina, and
as of five minutes ago is no longer “faking it,” as Blair had initially suspected. *cough bullsh*t cough*
So, of course, rather than immediately confronting her bestie, BLAIR, about this recent development, Serena makes the
incredibly stupid wise move of telling Raina, who had already agreed to do the publicity piece, that she should back out of it. Violating EVERY GIRL CODE IN THE BOOK, Serena blabs to Raina about how much Blair still loves Chuck, and how seeing Raina and Chuck together on Valentine’s Day would break Queen B’s heart . . .
With that Stupid Love Stuffout of the way, Serena and Raina can talk about more important matters . . . like which Overpriced Dress they should each wear to Chuck’s party
“Does this dress make me look like a Total Slut?”
“Isn’t that what
all clothing dresses are for?”
When Raina calls Blair up to cancel the Expose, just moments after she has just finished hanging out with Serena, Blair puts two and two together, and realizes that she’s been sabotaged by her bestie. You know what that means right? It’s time for the Blair Waldorf Weekly Revenge Special!
Meanwhile, back in Brooklyn . . .
Dan the Man to the Rescue!
“This is my ‘I’m Hitting on You’ Face . . . Coincidentally, it is also my ‘I Just Sucked on a Lemon’ Face”
Wanna know the definition of awkward? How about being forced to be roommates with your ex-girlfriend’s Creepy Ex Con Boyfriend, and having to listen to him yammer on about his LAME-O (i.e. nonexistent) Valentine’s Day plans with the girl who’s supposed to be YOUR Valentine? And yet, Dan still manages to be a pal to Creepo Ben. When he finds out the dude is unemployed, Dan refers him to a catering job that HE used to have. (You know . . . before his dad started boning Lily van der Woodsen, and he became filthy rich . . . like everybody else on this show.)
Now, of course, Ben LIES to Serena about how he plans to spend Valentine’s Day, telling her that he is “tutoring” a student that night (because that’s what we call a “Convenient Plot Device”). Now, personally, if I was Serena, I would feel better about my former teacher boyfriend, who had a crush on ME, back when I was underage, catering on Valentine’s Day, than “TUTORING,” if you catch my drift. But no one ever said Serena was the sharpest tool in the shed . . .
“I did NOT have sexual relations with that student (but I thought about doing it A LOT).”
Having successfully set Ben’s and Serena’s moronic plotline into motion, Dan dashes off to W Magazine. If you recall, a couple weeks back, the now-LONG GONE Epperley had promised Dan that SHE would pass his article on to Details magazine. Now that she’s left the building, Dan wishes to seek the same treatment from the “new Epperley.” And I bet you all can’t guess who THAT is?
It’s Blair. SURPRISE!
At least, initially, Blair doesn’t seem all that interested in helping Dan get his article published. After all, she’s still a tad pissed at him for initially getting her fired from her internship, before he, ultimately, got her rehired. She’s also pretty insistent on the fact that her and Dan are “not friends.” And yet, considering that her “friend” Serena has just ROYALLY screwed her over, Blair may want to start rethinking who earns that title.
Speaking of Serena, Dan casually mentions to Blair that he gave Ben his catering job. You can almost see the wheels turning in Blair’s head, as she calls up the catering company to make certain that Ben will be working Chuck’s Valentine’s Day Bash. She then slyly convinces Serena to attend the party as well. (As if we believed, for a SECOND, that Serena would EVER be capable of staying home on Valentine’s Day!)
“I was thinking of wearing THIS to the party? Do you like it?”
Back in Boring Corporate Storyline Land . . .
All Hail the Captain (Well . . . maybe not)
Nate’s Less Than Proud Papa sort of redeemed himself, by telling Chuck that (1) even though he continued to work for Thorpe, he ethically recused himself from all matters relating to the takeover of Bass Industries; and (2) despite this, he had “accidentally” become privy to information about the company. According to the Captain, Bass Industries would be worth more if it were kept whole, than if it were broken down, and sold for parts. So, WHY was Russell Thorpe intent on destroying it? And WHY had he lied about giving Chuck a 36 hour reprieve before takeover proceedings were to begin, when that was clearly not the case?
It had a little something to do with this Little Tartlet . . .
My LORD! Lily slept with RUSSELL THORPE TOO? And she left him for BART BASS? But wasn’t she boinking RUFUS right before she started dating Bart? Geez! I feel like I need an Excel spreadsheet to keep track of all of Lily’s conquests . . . Like mother, like daughter, I guess!
Without pausing for a single second to ponder how all this information so conveniently landed in his lap RIGHT when he needed it, the normally much more clever, Chuck Bass calls an impromptu board meeting Valentine’s Day morning to fire Lily from the Board of Bass Industries, due to a “Conflict of Interest.” Upon hearing this, Lily is understandably pissed, and vows to give Chuck a piece of her mind at . . . you guessed it, the Bass Valentine’s Day Bash . . .
Smile, Serena! You’re on Date-a-Waiter Camera
At the party, a vengeful Blair accosts her new It-girl Serena, flanked by reporters, to interview her for her W Magazine piece. “Who’s your Valentine?” Blair inquires, in a voice that is sickeningly sweet.
“Ummm . . . hummun . .. uh . . .” Serena responds eloquently.
That’s when Blair lets the other shoe drop, by pointing Serena toward Ben, in his waiter outfit, and joyously announcing his EX-CON status to the world, as the cameras catch every cringe-inducing moment of this Valentine’s Day Couple’s reunion. Ben, of course, runs out of the party, crying like a b*tch, as he is wont to do. Serena, meanwhile, angrily confronts Blair for her vindictiveness, FINALLY explaining to her, why she “sabotaged” the Raina Interview, in the first place. “Chuck really loves [Raina]. It’s not just about the business,” Serena admits to a disbelieving Blair . . .
But Blair refuses to believe Serena. After all, it is so utterly unbelievable that Chuck could start loving this random Guest Star, after only having boned her for a week. Right? RIGHT?
So, Blair stalks off, with a dogged Dan on her heels, whose still trying to get her to publish his damn story in the magazine. Dude is nothing, if not persistent . . .
Voyeurism at it Most Heartbreaking . . .
Wandering the party, Blair and Dan come upon the Creepy Love Den, Chuck has supposedly “built for Raina.” (Those architects must work FAST!) Fortunately, Blair missed THIS “lovely” sight. (Dan saw it THOUGH!)
I’ve never even DATED Chuck Bass, and this image had me vomiting in my mouth.
What Blair did witness, however, was far worse. Lily storms in to call Chuck out on firing her from the company, after all she had done for him, by adopting him, and helping to save Bass Industries with him. Upon hearing what Chuck has done to his step mother, Raina stalks out in disgust. Enter Russell Thorpe, to glibly tell Chuck that, without Lily on the board, nothing stands in the way of him dismantling Bass Industries. “Now you have nothing. No family. No company. And, from the looks of it, no girl. I think you know how much family means to Raina. And now she knows how LITTLE it means to you,” monologues Russell, before letting out a maniacal laugh.
“I’ll get you, My Pretty, and you’re Creepy Little Love Shack too!”
(Well, this guy ended up being a real two-dimensional villain, didn’t he? Thorpe makes Mr. Burns look like Maggie Simpson.)
“If it were me, I would have least let him finish screwing my daughter one last time, BEFORE, I ruined his life.”
It should surprise precisely NO ONE that Thorpe had TOTALLY planned for the Captain to find that information about Bass Industries and leak it to Chuck, so that the latter could dig his own grave . . .
As Blair watches sadly, Chuck chases after Raina, and tries in vain to salvage their relationship . . .
Chuck really starts laying it on thick here, telling Raina how SACRED she is to him (barf), how much he luuuuuuuuves her (gag), and how their relationship has changed him for the better (puke). But Raina ain’t buying what he’s selling. So she leaves his ass at his own party.
Still, Dan is impressed by the drama of it all. “Oh he’s goooooood,” Lonely Boy notes with amusement.
But Blair sees some
bad plot devices truth behind Chuck’s words. And she can’t deny the pain in Chuck’s eyes over the loss of his of-the-minute “true love,” Raina. And so, she dashes off to a nearby couch to sob, over what will likely go down in history as her WORST VALENTINE’S DAY EVER!
Sympathizing with the intense pain his friend is obviously suffering, having gone through the same thing with Serena just a week prior, Dan gently grabs for a distraught Blair’s hand. But Blair is not yet ready to accept his sympathies. So, she yanks her hand away, and staunchly refuses to look at his Puppy Dog Eyes . . .
Good Riddens to Valentine’s Day!
Back at La Casa de Waldorf, Blair attempts to apologize to Serena, who, after all was “worried about [her] heart, not [her] job” (and rightly so), by giving her a box of chocolates. (Really Blair? Does Serena look like the kind of girl who eats chocolates . . . or any food besides lettuce and liquor, for that matter?) The “Besties” then kiss and make up.
So of course, rather than stay and comfort her CLEARLY depressed supposed-best friend, who is OBVIOUSLY suffering from a broken heart, Serena rushes off to send the last few moments of her LAME Valentine’s Day at a LAME Bar, with her LAME boyfriend, Creepo Ben.
As for Blair, she gets a text from Dan, that he plans to keep sending her drafts of his article, until she agrees to submit it to Details. But, wonder of wonders, Blair has actually ALREADY read it . . . and submitted it to Vanity Fair. She calls him, to inform him of the good news.
“Yippee . . . I’m the NEXT Hemingway! Well . . . except for all that suicide stuff.”
Then, in a sweet, if slightly uncharacteristic (for Blair, at least) final scene, the newfound pair of lonely, Type-A personality, buddies decide to watch the decidedly UN-Valentinesy film, Rosemary’s Baby, on their laptops, in their respective beds, as they cleverly snark about the film, over the phone.
Do these two actually have the SAME bed sheets? Or is it just me?
In other news . . .
Drug Dealing Damien (who was looking FRIGHTENINGLY orange this week, by the way) is manipulating Mini VDW (a.k.a. Eric) to do his dirty work again. His weapon of choice, this time? BLACKMAIL.
Also, the Captain, before being unceremoniously fired from Thorpe’s company, managed to retain all his key cards to the office. I smell WATERGATE 2011!
“I’m going to be GREAT at Breaking and Entering. I got the high score in Grant Theft Auto TWICE!”
And that’s all I’ve got for this week’s installment of Gossip Girl. Next week, things really get intense when Blair . . . FAILS TO MATCH HER WARDROBE!
You can check out the promo for next week’s episode of Gossip Girl, “While You Weren’t Sleeping,” right here:
Until then! XOXO!