Welcome to Eichen House, Werebangers! It’s like Hogwarts for the severely mentally disturbed (and those possessed by evil fox spirits). Speaking of Hogwarts, remember when Ginny was possessed by Lord Voldemort! She and Nogitsu-Stiles could have totally bonded back then!
Eichen House is a fun and magical place, which offers its residents a variety of recreational activities . . .
“I thought you were supposed to bounce back up when bungee jumping?”
Five-star cuisine . . .
“Tastes like chicken?”
A professional and friendly staff, who is ready and willing to cater to your every need . . .
And the accommodations? Talk about luxurious!
So leave your personal possessions in a baggy with the orderly at the front desk (We don’t allow shoelaces here.), and stay a while. Because this Teen Wolf recap is literally a trip to the nuthouse . . .
[As always, special thanks to Andre, who is the Alfred Hitchcock of screencaps, basically.]
The importance of being Stiles’ Pillow
Say what you will about the Nogitsune, but he is definitely no slacker. If mind manipulation was MY modus operandi, and Beacon Hills was MY playground, Stiles would probably be at the bottom of my list of potential victims. Why? Because he’s a smart guy! He’d un-Jedi my mind tricks, decipher my cheesy riddles, and block my mental chess game advances, like it was his job, because, basically it IS his job on the Scooby Crew.
I’d choose to mind f*&k someone a bit . . . dimmer . . .
Simpler-minded . . .
Less complex . . .
I’d probably choose SCOTT, I WOULD DEFINITELY CHOOSE SCOTT one of the Alpha Twins, or something.
“Which one of us should get the brain, this time?”
But the Nogitsune is a smart guy too. One who clearly likes a challenge. And when it came taming his chosen host into total submission, he did it night by playing on Stiles’ mind, which, admittedly, is a steel trap. He did it by playing on his heart, which is loyal, intensely protective of friends and family, and extremely vulnerable to the sexual wiles of pretty supernatural girls. Stiles’ heart is a pile of mushy goo, more or less.
They say nice guys finish last. But, in this case, nice guys get Nogitsuned! Sorry Stiles! But hey, look on the bright side, at least you got to get laid first . . .
As usual, I’m getting ahead of myself here. Let’s travel back in time a few hours, to when Stiles had awakened from his poison-induced nap, after almost killing Scott. Our hero/villain then, presumably ran home to Papa, and promptly told him it was high time he got committed into an insane asylum. Papa reluctantly agreed, probably because Eichen House got such great reviews on Yelp!
Father and son ride into the night toward Stiles’ new Wackadoodle Castle.
“Looks pretty swanky. I wonder if this is covered by the Beacon Hills PD health insurance plan?”
And because there “ain’t no party, like a loony lockdown party,” Scott pulls up on his bike just in time.
Though Stiles has apparently convinced his father to let him do this, by reassuring him that the lockdown would only be temporary . . . just enough time for Papa Stilinski to drive to LA to see a brain specialist, without having to worry about having a fox-possessed serial killer riding next to him in the passenger seat, he promptly offers his bestie the real deal.
“Make sure I never get out,” the Teen whispers insistently to his Alpha pal.
Because that’s what friends and family do for one another, right? They lock themselves inside insane asylums, so that they don’t accidentally eviscerate the ones they love, while under the control of evil Ancient Japanese Spirits, with a penchant for wrapping their faces in toilet paper . . .
Inside the asylum, Papa Stilinski has a mini freakout over Stiles’ having forgotten to pack his pillow on his trip to the Gates of Hell.
“But I even used your favorite Fabric Softener the last time I washed it!”
But really, he just does not want to say goodbye to his Baby Boy. *sniffle*
Just Hanging Out . . .
Stiles first begin to question his choice of living arrangements, upon learning that Eichen House’s “No shoelaces,” rule may very well be the metaphorical equivalent of putting a bandaid on an amputated leg . . .
He had no shoelaces, so he hung himself with bedsheets! Very clever!
Of course, no public wackadoodle hanging would be complete without a riddle. And the soon-to-be-dead guy’s got a doozy for you. Ready?
“What’s part of a bird that’s not in the sky. It can swim upon water, but still remain dry.”
Get it? It’s a SHADOW!
Come on Nogitsune! Stop giving us riddles with the same answer. Not only is it annoying, but it makes it way easier for us to cheat . . .
“Wait . . . I think I got the answer to this one . . . it’s wings, right? The answer is totally wings!”
Speaking of cheating, Stiles is immediately ready to break the no phone calls for the first 72 hours rule. But Nurse Ratched isn’t having it. She threatens to chain Stiles to his bed, if he doesn’t behave.
Speaking of misbehavers, check out Stiles’ new roomie!
All things considered, Oliver seems like a pretty nice guy. He shares our hero’s penchant for nerdy facts!
“Most suicides happen on Mondays!”
“This place has a lot of echoes. That’s why they call it the “Echo House.”
“Did you know the human head weighs 8 pounds?” (Just kidding. He never said that one.)
In another life, I imagine Oliver could have gone to Beacon Hills High and been an unofficial member of Scott’s pack . . .
. . . at least until he went into a homicidal rage, and started murdering his classmates with a buzzsaw he stole from woodshop . . .
By way of conversation, Oliver notes that he’s swallowed a bug. Normally, that would just be a disgusting side note. But it’s actually pretty important to the plot later.
You know that scene in Mean Girls where Lizzy Caplan’s character tells Lindsay Lohan’s character about all the different “tribes” of High School . . .
Well, Oliver sort of does that for Stiles at Eichen House. Unfortunately, it seems like Eichen House only has one tribe . . . People Who Think they are Jesus . . .
Imagine all those Jesuses sitting at the same long lunch table. I wonder what that would look like?
Also in Eichen House, People Who Have Imaginary Conversations with Non-Working Phones.
Now, in Beacon Hills High, Stiles might not exactly have been considered popular. But surrounded by nutjobs like these, he’s total Prom King Material. So, of course, he wants to hang with the hot coyote chick whose life he saved right? Together, these two could RULE the Insane Asylum . . .
Then again, maybe not . . .
But hey, at least Stiles has an in with a member of the faculty. Check it out. It’s Ms. Morell, also known as the Woman Who Every Single Female Job in Beacon Hills, except for Hospital Nurse, because Mama McCall got to that one first . . .
While recovering from having his lights punched out by a girl, Stiles gets a glimpse of the Eichen House basement and recalls it as the place he probably was trapped during “Riddled,” even though everybody but Lydia thought he was in Malia’s old coyote den . . .
Curiouser and curiouser . . .
Fun with Flags Scrolls
This is what happens to the Scooby Gang, when they lose Stiles as their voice of reason. Instead of relying on the internet for research like normal teenagers would (and should), these goons decide to revert back to children’s books . . . oh, and ancient rolls of paper, that may or may not be the property of Japanese Mafia hitmen.
“These are some really expensive paper towels.”
For reasons I can’t quite understand, this crack team decides that the best way to get access to this ancient scroll is to rob an armored car containing police evidence taken off of the body of a dead guy? Huh?
“Why are my friends so stupid?”
Might I suggest a good old fashioned Google search for the term “Nogitsune exorcisms.” Sure, it’s not nearly as exciting, but it’s also not a FIRST CLASS FELONY!
In Which Everybody Threatens to Kill Stiles
Poor Stiles! A good portion of this episode is spent on people plotting his untimely demise. First there’s Papa Argent, who fondly tells Derek about this one time, at Hunter Camp, when he murdered a kid who turned into an evil bear, and how he’d gladly do the same thing to Nogitsu-Stiles, if he had the chance. Back at the Nuthouse, Ms. Morell tells Stiles that the rash on his body represents the poison that’s keeping him un-Nogitsuned. And that when it disappears, he’ll be evil again, so she can kill him.
By way of apology for death threats, Ms. Morell gives Stiles a bottle of Speed, so he can keep from sleeping.
“Are you going to take the blue pill, or the red pill, Stiles?”
The adults on this show really are spectacular role models, aren’t they?
While popping pills in the boys room, Stiles has another run-in with Malia.
“Well, I guess it’s better to hallucinate naked chicks than guys with toilet paper wrapped around their head.”
But this time, the interaction is slightly more pleasant . . . probably, because she’s a hot naked girl, and he’s a hormonally-charged teenage boy. Also Stiles and Malia both have something the other wants (and they rhyme with weenis and wagina). Stiles wants Malia to help him to get the keys to the basement, so he can figure out why the Nogitsune dream-trapped him in there. Malia wants intel from Stiles’ wolf pack, about how she can turn back into a coyote permanently, and never suffer the ignominy of having breasts again . . .
It’s a match made in Insane Asylum Heaven . . .
After a clever ruse, during which Oliver beat the crap out of Malia, while shouting at the top of his lungs. “They are not going to drill holes in my head.” (FORESHADOWING?), Stiles finally gets those keys.
But then the Evil Orderly Catches him confiscates his Speed, and shoots him up with Haldol, a SERIOUS downer drug that conks him right out.
“Can everyone please stop shoving needles up my ass?”
Good lord, there’s a lot of illegal drug use on this show! Am I watching Season 3B of Teen Wolf, or Requiem for a Dream 2: Electric Boogaloo?
Give me the Finger!
So many mixed metaphors on this show. First we find Stiles dreaming he’s trapped in a locker, trying to get out, while the Nogitsune, is screaming, “Let me in.”
OK, maybe that’s kind of an obvious metaphor. But hey, at least it’s not another riddle with Shadow as the answer. The Nogitsune’s sense of humor is improving, even if his fashion sense and dental hygiene aren’t.
Back at the armored car robbery, Scott demands that Mafioso Kitashe (sp?) give him the finger, when what he really means is . . .
Give him the finger . . .
Yeah, Scott has always sort of been a bit of a literalist.
“I’ve got it! The answer is shadow!”
Anyway, big Mafioso werewolf ends up limping away while little kid werewolves abscond with the finger, even though it totally seemed like he could kick their asses, with both his hands and one of his legs tied behind his back.
Maybe he just didn’t really want to get fingered badly enough . . .
Back in jail, that Mom chick who tortured Derek and Peter in the first episode of the season, pays Papa Argent a visit, reminds him of his loyalty to the hunter code, and makes some oblique references to his daughter.
Basically, all of this is foreshadowing the moment when Papa Argent learns the Nogitsune is inside his daughter, and he has to decide whether or not to kill it, just as aggressively as he threatened to kill Nogitsu-Stiles.
Honestly, I have no idea what the f*&k she’s talking about. Maybe she should go back to speaking in Spanish. She was much more interesting then . . .
La Loba . . . El Bano.
Meanwhile, back in Crazy Town . . .
Let’s Do it Like They Do on the Discovery Channel . . .
Malia rescues Stiles from lockdown, and the new buds somehow find their way into the precious basement, where Toilet Paper head’s body is quietly decomposing, while carrying a mysterious picture of someone Stiles apparently recognizes.
“How did I get my bat back?”
“I”m glad you and I are going to bone soon. Otherwise, I may have ended up having to seduce that guy.”
“Why does the Nogitsune have a picture of President Obama in his pocket?”
In addition to being a crypt for Evil Dead People with a penchant for toilet paper and old photographs, the basement is also where Eichen House apparently keeps all its records about how they used to drill holes in people’s heads. (Does nobody use computers on this show anymore?)
Rock on, Stiles. It’s once again time to get your Nerd on!
Malia, whose entire sexual history up to this point consists of lifting her leg on rocks and humping trees, apparently finds people with holes in their head a huge turn-on.
Other turn ons for Malia? Dingy insane asylum basements, crude medical experiments on mentally ill people, ugly baby dolls formerly belonging to the little sister you ate . . .
(Different strokes for different folks, I guess.)
What’s a girl to do? I know! You should totally have sex with the virgin with a hole in his brain!
Wham, Bam, Thank you, Nogitsune! Next thing you know, the half-possessed by a fox boy is doing it with a were coyote to sexy emo music, and it’s kind of hot. (So much pretty on one television screen!).
But also kind of cheap, in a way. Like Stiles has been hanging on to his virginity all this time, just to lose it in pretty much the least romantic locale possible, with a woman he barely knows, who once punched his lights out, in those fearful final moments before he may lose his identity for good.
“You are totally killing my sex buzz!”
Then again, it’s also kind of realistic. Not everyone’s first time can be picture perfect, you know . . .
Or . . . maybe this is all just a dream, and young Stiles will live to first screw again, for real this time!
Anyway, let’s get a better look, shall we?
You know what would be hotter though? If they did it to This Song . . .
Even better news? Stiles’ ugly body rash is going away . . .
Oh wait . . . that means he’s going to be possessed again soon . . . nevermind.
Back at home, Dr. Deaton reads the teeny tiny paper that Scott and co, for which Scott and co. committed a first class felony. And it tells them . . . pretty much nothing.
“It just says Shadow.”
Actually, it instructs them to expel the Nogitsune by changing the body of its host. And we all know what that means . . . it’s time to hit the gym Stiles! You need to bulk up . . .
. . . or turn into a werewolf . . . or put the Nogitsune back in its decrepit body in the basement of Eichen House where it belongs . . .Whatever . . .
The Trouble with Eating Bugs
Did you know that the average human swallows as many as twelve bugs a year, while they are sleeping?
Kind of makes us all a bit like that bug-eating Renfield guy from Dracula right?
But I bet you never before worried that swallowing a bug in your sleep would turn you into the mindless zombie slave of an evil Japanese spirit, who will force you to willingly try to dig holes in the heads of hot people, who recently lost their virginity to one another?
“Et tu Oliver?”
“That depends, does et tu mean, I’ve been turned evil and will drill a hole in the brain of you and/or your new lover? If so, then yes.”
Now, you will!
Thanks Teen Wolf, for adding another to my already long list of Irrational Fears Involving Gross Bugs . . .
Long story short, Stiles gives up control of his body to save the pretty little head of the girl he just boned. And so, Nogitsu-Stiles awakens just in time to give the camera, his signature Sexy Evil Smile to the camera, just moments before the end-credits role.
But wait, there’s more!
Look who has just escaped the nut house in hopes of becoming the Scooby Gang’s newest member?
Watch out, Lydia! The race to get in Stiles’ pants just got a bit more crowded . . .
Next time on Teen Wolf . . . Chaos!
See ya then, Werebangers!