Gossip Girl is DEAD . . . and a Donut?! – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s SERIES Finale

“I’m Mini Bass.”

My dear GGers.  I know I’ve been a bit remiss this season about recapping the trials and tribulations of our favorite Upper East Siders.  (OK . . . I haven’t recapped them at all.)

However, seeing as Gossip Girl uttered her final XOXO earlier this week, I felt I couldn’t possibly bid the series a fond adieu, without at least offering up some final words .  . . consider it a eulogy, of sorts.

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In which Bart Bass proves that Evil Old Men can fly . .  . and die.

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Here’s a philosophical question for you. If a man falls from the roof of a heavily populated skyscraper, onto a busy street, and no one sees him go splat (or is squashed by him), did it really happen?

Last week, we all laughed inappropriately at the sight of Chuck Bass battling his Big Bad Dad on the roof, as “SCARY” Music swelled awkwardly in the background.  We marveled at how a single push from Chuck, who, let’s face it, has never exactly been the athletic type . . .

Bass-ketball, anyone?

. . . was enough to send NotDonaldTrump soaring over the side of the skyscraper, like an inept super villain in the final pages of a comic book.

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“Just hanging out . . .”

Then, we giggled as Blair and Chuck did all but throw the man a Going Away Party as the Big Bass-tard plummeted to his death.

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Hey, that was actually kind of fun to watch.  Let’s see that again . . .

I know.  I’m a terrible person.  Moving on . . .

Perhaps, all the hot air that filled Bart Bass’s head facilitated a surprisingly smooth landing.  Because, not only did the real estate magnate’s dive-bombing body not cause ANY damage whatsoever to the streets below, the sheet that is now covering it is conspicuously free of blood.  Talk about a classy way to go!  Then again, Bart Bass is what some would call an Expert Die-r.  He’s done this before . . .

Reporters are now on the scene.  And police are questioning everyone on the Upper East Side, even going as far as to stop limos leaving the party where Bart Bass was last seen.  Of course, they are only checking the back seats of those limos . . . not the trunks.  After all, why would someone who just committed murder hide away in the trunk of a car?  That would be silly!

Possible conception spot for Henry Bass?

Yes, boys and girls, Chuck and Blair are ON THE LAM!  (I’ve always wanted to say that.)

They’ve turned themselves into a modern-day Bonnie and Clyde.  You know how I know?  Because the song playing in the background on Gossip Girl says so!

In which everyone finds out Bart Bass is dead, and Chuck is a suspect, except . . . you know . . . THE GUY WHO OWNS THE NEWSPAPER!

Oh dear sweet Nate, with your permanently glassy (but still very pretty) blue eyes from a decade of pot smoking ./ . . and your equal opportunity boning of tweens and cougars alike . . . you must seriously be the WORST NEWSPAPER MAN EVER!  OK . . . OK, I know you are dating a 17-year old.  And she probably told you that using pretty-colored handwritten index cards to study once helped her earn a B+ on a very hard exam about the Civil War.  But seriously?  This is how you choose to solve the mystery of Gossip Girl’s identity?  No wonder it took you five years!

Also, hey I majored in journalism   write a blog  watched Newsroom a few times on HBO!  I know that all major news outlets get blasts on the wire, before everybody else.  Not Nate though.  He has to get a call from Ivy/Charlie/CallMeSerena telling him to turn on the television, where Bart’s death has made prime time.  Nate Archibald, you’ve just been scooped . . . again.

I like how uniformly uncooperative the rest of the Non-Judging Breakfast Club, and their respective parental units, are when the police come snooping around for C and B, especially since it seems like most of them are 100% certain their friends / children are guilty of murder.  Now that’s what I call true friendship.  If I had to choose a favorite brush-off of the po-po, however, I’d probably have to go with Nate.  I mean, it takes a real true blue friend to tell a cop.  “Yes, there’s a rather young looking woman in my bedroom.  And yes, it’s quite obvious I’m sleeping with her, which I know is statutory rape.  But no, she can’t talk to you about Chuck Bass, Mr Policeman, because she is much too young.

“Do you think we can hurry this up?  Spongebob Squarepants is on in three minutes.”

Speaking of super sneaky legal loopholes . . .

“It’s twisted, but very you . . .”

“Peekaboob!”

Chuck and Blair are holed up in a hotel . . . ON THE LAM (Twice in one recap, WOO HOO!).  And who should pop in with a tray he stole from room service (probably after schtupping the maid), but a surprisingly twiggy looking Jack Bass?    (Oh, seeing these three individuals in a hotel room together, brings back bad memories.  No me gusta.)

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Turns out, the dude put a tracking device on Chuck Bass’ limo, just for sh*ts and giggles.  You know, because that’s not creepy at all . . .

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Anywhoo, since Blair is the only person on the entire planet who saw Chuck, not so much kill Bart, as huff and puff and blow his body off the building, Jack comes up with the idea that the two should get married!

This will enable the pair to take advantage of the spousal privilege laws that prevent husbands and wives from testifying against one another in court.  It will also serve as a massive apology to Chair fans, who have suffered through Blair’s ill-fated pseudo-romantic relationships with the likes of a Louis-bot and  a certain doughy pastry, who shall remain not-so-nameless.

“It’s twisted, but it’s very you,” Jack Bass muses.

(It’s also the Graysons on Revenge.  Spousal privilege marriages are SO the new Greencard Marriages.)

Chuck is bothered by this.  He wants the love of his life to have the wedding of her dreams.  Blair reminds him that she did that already, back last season when she married the cyborg with the weird accent, thus proving that dreams are usually VERY overrated.

She also reminds Chuck of this memorable moment between them . . .

Upon being reminded that he and Blair aren’t a boring couple .  . . like say Louis-bot and Blair . . . or Blair and You Know Who, Chuck decides to propose again.  And why not?  He knows this is the only realistic way to get him and Blair married off and spawning during this abridged final hour of television, amidst about 30 minutes of those cloying Carrie Diaries commercials loves this woman, and wants to spent the rest of his life with her.  The ends therefore, definitely justify the shady means . . .

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Meanwhile, on some private jet . . .

In which Serena forgives Donut way too quickly, despite never actually receiving an apology (or a retraction)

Call me callous.  But if someone published really crappy things about me in Vanity Fair for the world to read.  And then he sent me some nice words about me that he never planned to publish, I would probably use the paper containing those “nice words” as toilet paper, the next time I really had to pee.

But I guess Serena is a better person than me . . . or at least a dumber one.  Because all it takes is a few kind paper words from Donut Dan.  And, suddenly, girlfriend has abandoned her private jet to LaLa land (must be nice), and returned to the “villain’s” apartment for “answers,” and, I suspect, a hopeful shot at makeup sex.

“I also have very little self respect.  Shhh!”

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Now, maybe it’s just because I’m not a big Dan Fan.  But, honestly, I didn’t find the guy’s apology all that “apologetic.”  Basically, Dan’s explanation for why he wrote terrible things about Serena was because he developed a crush on her sophomore year, to the tunes of Rihanna’s Pon de Replay, and has been stalking her ass ever since?  That sounds more like a confession of guilt to me.  But hey, at least it gave us the opportunity to see Flashback!Chuck and Flashback!Nate in HIDEOUS wigs, and hear Flashback!Blair utter the words “Happy Barf Day!”

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Elsewhere in Manhattan . . .

Ivy Dickens, Queen of the Swamp People, star of “Nobody Gives a Damn”

Question: If a woman who is always boning younger guys is called a cougar, what do you call a young woman with a penchant for humping fogies?  Cougarthritis?

Maybe you just call her Charlie/Ivy/CallmeSerena . . .

Yeah, poor St. Ives . . . She thought the death of Bart Bass meant a beginning of public bliss for her and the perpetually sniveling Dr. VDW.  But, in a classic case of Turnabout is Fair Poison Ivy, the good doctor — who once tried to poison his ex wife, in order to get her to love him again — was only using Ivy to get to Lily, just as Ivy was using Rufus for the exact same reason . . . well sort of . . .

Be careful, VDW.  This chick has bunny burner written all over her . . .

So you could imagine how mortified / miserable Ivy became when Dr. VDW denied their relationship ever existed, in front of none other than Miss Lily herself.  “You’re a Lifetime movie called ‘Nobody Gives a Damn,’ the Ivy Dickens story.  Actually, I think I saw that one before.  Didn’t Tori Spelling star in it?

Just as hilarious is Dr. VDW’s assessment that Ivy’s Florida roots made her “Queen of the Swamp People.”  There is always a certain type of New Yorker, who believes that any residence outside of the five boroughs is basically Hillbilly town.  VDW is definitely one of those dudes.  He’s a total douche, but at least he’s damn funny.  Maybe they should have made him Gossip Girl . . .

The Quick and The Wed

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I don’t know about you.  But if I had a bunch of cops out looking for me, and I didn’t want to be found, the absolute last place I’d go would be the local courthouse.  But that’s where Chuck and Blair go to get their quickie marriage license.  (Now, come on.  I know it’s not Vegas. But there’s gotta be at least one of those crazy drive-thru chapel’s in Manhattan.  Just saying . . .)

Once their marriage is legal, Chuck and Blair decide to make it official, inviting all of their friends for an impromptu wedding over at . . . of all places THE MET!  How fitting!  Chuck even gives Blair an Egyptian Snake ring to seal the deal.  It’s no Harry Winston.  That’s for sure.  But in a way, like the circumstances surrounding their marriage, it’s . . . wait for it . . . “twisted, but totally them.”

At the wedding Dan magically gives Worst Newsman Ever Nate a Vanity Fair piece on Gossip Girl, and Nate acts like he’s just received inside information on the taking down of Osama Bin Laden.  (Knowing Nate, he probably isn’t even aware that’s happened yet.)  He gets his high school girlfriend to publish the scoop on his behalf (because, you know, Nate’s “staff” only consists of people he porks), and turns his attention back to the wedding.

When the Newsie overhears Mini Blair and Mini Serena (remember those two?) on the steps of the Met complaining that Gossip Girl never published their scoop on Chuck and Blair’s quickie wedding, Nate FINALLY puts two and two together, and figures out that . . . DAN . . . IS . . . GOSSIP GIRL!

But then the girls end up reporting C&B to the police.  (INGRATES!)  And now it’s race against the clock to get them “kiss the briding” in time.  Chuck dips Blair into a triumphant kiss, uttering his trademark, “three words, eight letters” line just moments before the cops take him and his new bride away.  Part of me kind of wishes that, when the cops came for “Blair Waldorf,” she would have announced “I’m Blair Bass,” in true “Mrs. Chuck” style.

But she didn’t.  I guess Blair isn’t really the type to take a man’s last name, even if it’s Chuck Bass’.  Oh well . . .

It’s Donut Dan’s Coming Out Party, and YOU’RE Invited

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Hilarity ensues, when Nate’s cheeseball newspaper outs Dan Humphrey as Gossip Girl, and we get to watch all the show’s past guest stars react.  “I always thought it was Dorota,” exclaims Mayor Michael Bloomberg.

(Sure, blame the maid.  Typical New York politician . . .)

“That B*TCH!” Announces Agnes, that chick who once burned Little Jenny Humphrey’s fashion designs in an outdoor trashcan  . . .

Juliet and Vanessa are also shocked,  but not quite as shocked as Rachel Bilson and the voice of GG herself, Kristen Bell, who in a highly meta scene, play themselves auditioning for the film version of Dan’s book, Inside.  “Gossip Girl is real?”  Bilson exclaims, as Kristen Bell offers an exaggerated wink at the camera.

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Oh Veronica Mars!  I haven’t had this much fun watching you on my screen, since that one time when you killed Sookie Stackhouse .  . .

. . .  or that other time when you got really, REALLY excited about a sloth . . .

Plothole, Schmathole.  It’s the FINALE!

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OK.  Now despite having never been a Dan Fan, there are some things I really like about his character ending up being Gossip Girl.  For one thing, unlike that goopy love letter he wrote to Serena that somehow ended up in the New Yorker, during Season 1, or that crap Dair fanfiction we know better as Dan’s first “novel” Inside,  the fact that Dan, even at the young age of 16, was able to so seamlessly mimic the voice of a snooty Upper East Side female actually makes him a GOOD writer.  This show has always been telling us, ad nauseum, that Dan had talent, but this is the first and only time I actually believe it.

And yeah, that “talent” also makes him a sociopath . . . one that most likely has multiple personality disorder.

It’s the only possible explanation for his sending blasts to Gossip Girl, and acting visibly surprised when they hit his own e-mail, despite being alone at the time he received them.  Or how about that time when Gossip Girl outed Dan for porking a teacher?  Or the time when Dan porked the Hillary Duff character, and Gossip Girl knew she was an actress back when she first appeared, but it took “Dan” weeks to figure it out . . .  Let’s not forget that the whole time Dan dated Blair, Gossip Girl thought she was a better match for Chuck . . .

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It’s actually pretty clear that the writers hadn’t decided on the identity of Gossip Girl, until at least early Season 5, despite their protests to the contrary.

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But hey, now we just have another reason to re-rent those DVD’s and prove them wrong right?  From a marketing perspective, choosing Dan as Gossip Girl was actually pretty genius . . .

Oh, and I did like the idea that Little J knew that Dan was Gossip Girl, and used it to her own advantage, like when she wanted to challenge Blair as Queen B, and when she wanted to leave town, after her unfortunate virginity slicing rendezvous with Chuck . . .

In short, those Humpty Dumpty’s really were the ultimate scheming social climbers .  . . something we’ve really always secretly suspected,  back in Season 1.

But what I don’t understand is why everyone but Blair was totally cool with it, especially considering how many times Gossip Girl ruined each of their lives, while Donut Dan sat idly by and feigned moral anguish?

I guess considering the guy has already lambasted the entire Upper East Side crew, first in a national bestseller, and then in Vanity Fair, nothing would surprise them about this douche.

And yet, when Dan triumphantly announced that Gossip Girl is dead, part of me wishes the entire cast pulled out their carving knives and killed him.  Now THAT would have been a cool ending . . .

A Derena Wedding and the Most Adorable Mini Bass EVER

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Flash forward five years into the future.  Chuck and Blair are happily married with the best-cast child star EVER as their kid “Henry Bass.”  (a clever nod to Chuck’s days living in Europe under the pseudonym “Henry Prince”).

But where was Monkey?

“I’ve been replaced by a child star.  GRRR!”

Blair has taken over Waldorf designs, with none other than Jenny Humphrey herself, as her prime fashion designer . . .

(She’s come a long way since her days as a rabid raccoon . . .)

(Though, honestly, these two’s fashion senses couldn’t be more disparate, so I’m not really sure how that works.)

Lily is married to Dr. VDW again.  And Rufus is married to . . . wait for it . . . Lisa LOEB.  Remember her?

All those years, and girlfriend never bought a new pair of glasses . . .

Jack Bass hooked up with Georgina Sparks, which kind of works, considering they are pretty much both the same person.

(Though I do wonder what happened to Baby Milo and that “Nice Guy” she used to call her husband.)

Nate is single, but running for MAYOR?!

(And you said Gossip Girl wasn’t funny!)

Eric VDW is back from the set of Revenge, and spouting some facial hair.  But he’s single too.

And how could we forget Charlie/Ivy/CallMeSerena Dickens?

He’s PSYCHIC!

Oh, and it took five years, but Serena finally married Gossip Girl.  Ahhh . . . a gay wedding, in more ways than one . . .

Even Donuts deserve love . . .

In the episode’s final moments, Kristen Bell reprises her role as the voice of Gossip Girl one more time, only this time around she’s the voice of a NEW GENERATION of Upper East Siders.  And so what was once old has theoretically become new again.

All in all it was a flawed but fitting end to a series with which us fans, I suspect, all have a pretty complicated relationship . . . much like the relationship it’s main characters have with one another.  We loved it. . .

We hated it . . .

We were aroused . . .

We were nauseated . . .

We wanted more . . .

We wanted it to end . . .

But through all the ups and downs, Gossip Girl will remain an important part of my TV viewing history . . . one that I suspect will send me clamoring back to YouTube for nostalgia’s sake, for years to come.  And for that I have the show’s cast, its crew, its costume designers, and, yes, even its writers to thank.

They all know we love them, and will miss them terribly.  XOXO,

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever 2]

Gossip Girl Season 5 Through the Looking Glass – A look at where all our UES’ers left off, and what this means for the show’s final season . . .

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Greetings Upper East Siders!  Well, it’s been a long and bumpy ride (complete with about 50 bad decisions, 30 meta-references to previous seasons, 25 questionable fashion choices, 3 different Gossip Girls, a car accident, a dead baby, a cyborg wedding, and Dan’s hair).

But we’ve made it to the end of another season of Gossip Girl. 

With only ten episodes (and one retrospective) remaining in the entire series, “The Return of the Ring” was arguably GG’s most important episode to date!  After all, where each of these characters landed at the end of the episode will undoubtedly play a major role in determining their Ultimate Destination.  For some characters, their futures are looking quite bright . . .

For others?  Not so much . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

Nate Archibald

For the Upper East Side’s resident genius . . .

. . . Season 5 (like every season before it) was mainly about the ladies.  First there was the Cougar . . .

Then, the Imposter . . .

And, finally the Ingenue . . .

But with Diana out of the Country, Ivy still largely persona non-grata with the NJBC, and Lola headed out of town to be a Flying Monkey or something . . . Nate’s sure to find himself with a pair of these, this summer . . .

And yet that newfound loneliness will give him all the time and energy he needs to set his sights on yet another lady . . . one who’s arguably more important to the Upper East Side than all of Nate’s other  recent women combined . . . Gossip Girl.

That’s right!  Thanks to a  surprise video tip from Diana, our pretty little intrepid journalist might just be hot on GG’s trail.  The question is what will he do when he finds her?  Take her down?  Or take her to bed?  The answer to that question will likely comprise Nate’s journey through Gossip Girl’s final season.

Who are we kidding?  We know he’s going to f*&k her.  XOXO, indeed!

As for Gossip Girl herself, I have a little theory on who she might be . . .

Penelope Shafai

Lately, I’ve been concocting this theory that Minion #1, Penelope has been Gossip Girl, all along. Think about it. She’s the only character that’s been on the show consistently since the pilot episode, who isn’t part of main cast. For five seasons, she’s been close enough to the NJBC to obtain the information she needs to do the job, but distant enough from them to avoid detection.

As further evidence of my case, in this, the latest episode of Gossip Girl, Penelope was found with her well-manicured fingers all over Blair Waldorf’s precious diaries.  Later, she allied with the Queen B’s frenemy Serena, to keep Blair from attending the Shepard’s Divorce Party,  and possibly reuniting with the Donut.  Wouldn’t it be ironic, if the same minion Blair has hired time and time again, to put out the fires Gossip Girl has set on her life, actually ended up being Gossip Girl, herself . .

However, while I’ve been long suspecting Penelope of being the Girl Behind the Laptop, many of YOU have set your sights on another of Nate’s ladies . . .

Lola Rhodes

Never one to be fully comfortable with the World of Wealth and Privilege her family and Nate inhabited, for Lola, the absolute last straw was learning that her Aunt Lily, had sabotaged her mother’s legal defense, by hiring an attorney to take on and subsequently botch her case.  So, this week, Lola decided to turn over her recently inherited share of Grandma Cece’s estate to, her former imposter, Ivy, of all people.

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(And why not?  Cece bequested it to HER, in the first place.)  Lola’s only precondition to the payout?  That Ivy use it to bring down the Malevolent Lily van der Woodsen  Bass Humphrey Bass . . .

As for Lola herself, after turning down Nate’s invitation to move in with her, she ended the episode by heading off on tour with the Broadway show Wicked as a “swing” . . . a.k.a. a perpetual Flying Monkey or munchkin.  Rumor has it, we won’t be  seeing her again any time soon . . .

Ivy Dickens

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Unlike her pseudo alter ego, Lola,  Ivy always seemed to fit quite well into the Upper East Side world.  In fact, girlfriend was so desperate to fit in, that even after being shunned by the entire VDW clan, a few weeks back, Ivy willing volunteered to play a major part in one of the NJBC’s classic takedown schemes . . . playing a hooker no less.  With cash at her disposal, and Revenge on her menu, something tells me Ivy will be a major player on the Upper East Side in Season 6 . . .

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Speaking of people with something to prove . . .

Rufus Humphrey

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Spurned by his wife for the Upper East Side’s undead answer to Montgomery Burns, the UES’ favorite house husband, will probably spend much of the summer holed up in Brooklyn, licking his wounds, and using his recently filed annulment papers as some very expensive toilet paper.

But wimpy as he might be (he is Donut Dan’s dad, after all), something tells me the Elder Humphrey won’t be going down, without a fight.  My prediction?  He and Lily will reunite, once and for all, in the series finale . . .

Lily van der Woodsen

From her petty (not to mention incredibly greedy) attempts to sabotage her own dead mother’s will . . . to her icy cold treatment of her newfound niece Lola .  . . to her intolerance for living anywhere that isn’t the Upper East Side . . . to her callous dismissal of her husband . . .to the malevolent way she sabotaged her own sister’s legal defense, Lily van der Woodsen has been a nearly impossible character to root for this season.

And her recent decision to annul her marriage to Rufus Humphrey, in favor of Comic Book Super Villain Montgomery Burns Bart Bass certainly doesn’t help matters.

However, I predict that Season 6 will be Lily’s Redemption Story.  And that Chuck Bass will play a major role in that.  After all, Lily’s care and support of her adopted son is one of the most relatable aspects of her usually chilly character.  (It could even be argued, that Lily is a better mother to Chuck than she is to Serena or Eric.)

I’m thinking that when Lily finds out the true story of how Bart vindictively ripped the Empire away from the same son, who recently saved his life, she won’t be keeping the Bass bed warm much longer.  Speaking of Bart . . .

Bart Bass

This asshat’s in for a major takedown, NJBC-style!  I mean, here’s a guy who used his own son’s lifelong love for a woman to rip the business the latter spent years building right out from under him!  That’s just cold!

With the Empire back under his sole control, his lady by his side, and the man who tried to have him killed behind bars, Chuck’s dad seems to be riding pretty hight right now.

But the higher they rise, the harder they fall.  And with his son and his uncle plotting his demise, something tells me, Season 6 isn’t going to end all that pleasantly for the elder Bass . . .

Speaking of falling from grace . . .

Serena van der Woodsen

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The pilot episode of this series began with a UES exiled and drug-addled Serena VDW staring forelornly out a dirty bus window, after getting caught screwing her best friend’s boyfriend on top of a bar at the Shepard’s wedding.

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The season 5 finale had Serena making a similar mess of things . . . first by inadvertently leaking her bestie Blair’s diaries to Gossip Girl . . . and later by seducing Blair’s then boyfriend Donut Dan . . . you guessed it . . . on top of a bar at the Shepard’s wedding (She even videotaped it, for heaven sakes).  Rejected by her best friend, a prospective employer, and the object of her affection (Donut . . . no accounting for taste), all in one episode, Serena has once again truly hit rock bottom.

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And if the final scene of this episode is any indication, she’ll spend the summer snorting nose candy, and getting felt up by drug dealers on trains.

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 My prediction for Serena in Season 6?  An emergency intervention led by all her friends, who, mad as they might be at her right now, love her too much to see her throw her life away like this . . . again.

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 Oh, and hopefully she’ll end up with Nate.  I always really liked those two together . . .

Speaking of people who recently f*&ked Serena . . .

Donut Humphrey

Five seasons, and Dan still hasn’t managed to cut that ridiculous hair.

The Season 5 finale was a “hard” one for the Donut, in more ways than one.  Of course, it was no suprise to any of us, that Blair ultimately (FINALLY) ditched Humpty Humphrey for the real love of her life, Chuck Bass.

But Donut didn’t see it coming, deluded as he was by the notion that if he whined hard enough, and gave Blair a sufficient number of ultimatums, she would be bullied into choosing him instead.

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Given that, it’s not surprising that Humpty Humphrey spent the second half of the episode getting wasted with Serena, and humping her at a Divorce Party, of all places.  After all, when the going gets tough, the tough get f*&ked by their ex’s best friends.

Now, you would think that the Donut would be at least somewhat remorseful of his actions.  After all, since Blair hadn’t publicized her choice yet, at the time Dan was screwing Serena, he technically cheated on her.  But nooooo . . . Donut remains just as self-righteous as he was in the pilot episode.

And by the episode’s end, he’s literally making a deal with Devil, i.e. Georgina, to evicerate his former Upper East Side friends in a nonfiction expose.

Hey, at least, with Georgina as his snarky co-authoress, Dan’s new book will be better than that lame Dair fanfiction he wrote last year  .  . .

In other news . . .

Jack Bass

Who knew the man most known for having Hep C, whore mongering, and his hotels-for-chicks imbroglio was actually a closet romantic?

After being similarly shafted from the Empire by his much older brother, Jack Bass came to a necessary, if uneasy, alliance with fellow shafted family member, Chuck Bass.

Together, the two hit the casinos in Monte Carlo to win big money, and plot their mutual takedown of the malevolent Bart Bass. But first, Jack has some matters of the heart to take care of .  . . Chuck’s heart . . .

Of course, I save the best TWO for last . . .

Chuck Bass

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It’s been a roller coaster of a season for our dear Chuck . . .  starting with that whirlwind summer he spent in LA, risking his life on a daily basis, and trying in vain to shield himself from the pain of lost love.

Chuck’s return to the Upper East Side brought with it the reopening of old wounds . . . but it also allowed Chuck to open his heart to someone very special . . .

What followed was Chuck’s redemption story.  Early on in the seaon, he vowed to become the man Blair needed him to be, even if she never got the chance to experience it herself.

Eventually, however, Blair DID see Chuck for the changed man he was.

And the two shared a blissful, if short, romantic reunion, one that, unfortunately, ended in the tragedy of Blair’s lost baby, and almost ended Chuck’s life.

Following the accident, Chuck lost Blair again, for patently ridiculous reasons.  But it didn’t stop him from supporting her, or for paying the dowry that got her out of that sham of a Cyborg marriage.

As if all that wasn’t enough, Chuck went through a series of weeks, where every day he had a new father, and a different mother.  Weird!

But with Blair’s help, Chuck finally figured out his real deep dark family secret  . . . His father had been alive all this time!  In two weeks time Chuck went from, thinking his father wasn’t his father, to finding out his father was alive, to avenging his father’s fake death, to losing his business to that same father!  My head spins just thinking about it.

Given all that he’s been through this season, can you blame Chuck for initially being a bit skeptical of Blair’s decision to FINALLY choose him?

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But worry not, Chair fans.  We all know it’s not REALLY over until Gossip Girl says, “XOXO!”

Blair Waldorf

Lost and found . . . that’s the way I’d describe Blair’s character arc this season.  More than any other character, Blair seemed to have lost her way throughout Season 5.  Through her weird, dull, and at- times infuriating courtship with Louis-bot . . .

. . .  to her ridiculous and uncharacteristically brief foray into religiosity . . .

. . .   to her shocking change of style . . .

. .  .to the bizarre way in which she magically decided she loooooooved a Donut, and then just as magically decided that she didn’t . . .

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. . .  Blair seemed to spend much of the season stumbling around in a fog, trying desperately to reconnect with the sexy, spunky, smart,  sassy, and strong woman she’d been for twenty years.

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But by the end of Season 5, Blair finally found that woman again.

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She used that strength to make positive changes in her life . . . first by agreeing to take on her mother’s business . . . then by ditching deadweight Dan . . . and finally . . . by following her heart.

Source 

After watching Chuck chase Blair all season, mostly to no avail, it was so satisfying to see Blair finally come to him, with her heart in her hand, ready to begin their future together.

Source 

For Chair fans, like myself, there was nothing more satisfying than watching Blair, in the final moments of the episode, refusing to take no for an answer, and deciding to bet it all on the love of her life.

My prediction for these two, next season?  The beginning of a well-earned Happily Ever After . . .

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

The Kids are All Grown Up . . . Sort Of – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Undergraduates”

I’m pretty sure this kind of thing happens at least once every season.  Except, this time, Serena has raised the stakes, by discovering the art of camouflage.  Seriously!  Who else, besides Serena, would dress to match the curtains at a fashion event? 

I never thought it would happen, but after four seasons of scheming, cattiness, and hijinks, our Upper East Side crew is FINALLY showing some signs of maturity . . . well, some of them are, at least.  Others are . . . well . . . not.

So, without further adieu, let’s take a look back at this episode, to find out which characters are still in diapers . . .

 . . . and who got to graduate to Big Boy Pants!

Gossip Girl gets an Upgrade.  Serena gets Downsized.

 

When the episode begins, Serena and Blair are preparing for their first day at Columbia University.

Unfortuntely, their first day of school just so happens to be a very dark day on the Upper West Side.  As it turns out . . . the Gossip Girl website is temporarily DOWN.

Clearly, this is a tragedy of EPIC proportions, especially for Blair, who just so happens to be one of those people . . .

 . . . who is simply not happy, unless some low rent media entity is documenting her every move.  As their first official order of business as new Columbia students, Blair and Serena .  . . go to class.  HAHA!  JUST KIDDING!  We don’t do actually that on this show . . .

Instead, Blair and Serena head off to the “Hamilton House” (i.e. this season’s version of the “secret society” Blair tries to join every year, whose members’ innate snobbery and elite status cause our Queen Bee to temporarily forget who her REAL friends are)  . . .

It’s not just for cans and bottles any more.  We do it for PLOTLINES too!

As Blair and Serena enter the insanely stuck up Hamilton House, Serena notes her very familiar surroundings, and gripes, “I thought college would be different from high school.”

“Who would want that?”  Blair inquires, without an ounce of humor or irony in her voice.  (You gotta love Blair!)

Speaking of high school, just moments after arriving, the girls encounter a “old friend” from “back in the day” (i.e. two years ago).

It’s Perpetual Queen Bee Runner Up, PENELOPE!

And, I am happy to report, that she is just as much of a saucy biatch, as she was in high school!  After Penelope and Blair exchange a few bitter barbs for old time’s sake, the diva reveals that one of her ancestors was a founding member of the Hamilton House.  This accident of birth makes Penelope a legacy at Hamilton House, and and automatic club member.  Fortunately for Blair, Penelope is NOT, however, the Key Master, i.e. the person responsible for personally inviting new members to join the club.

Poor Penelope!  Always a minion, never a royal!

But, you know who IS Key Master at Hamilton House? THIS GIRL . . .

It’s Crazy Potential Psycho Stalker, Juliet Sharp, of course!  (Clearly, Hamilton House is a VERY classy establishment, if they are letting homicidal maniacs join.)  When Blair and Serena approach Juliet for their keys to the club, Looney Tunes herself surprises EVERYBODY (well, at least everybody who didn’t see the trailer for the episode, before it aired), by offering a club key to Blair  . . . and NOT SERENA!

At that very moment, Gossip Girl comes back online with a BRAND NEW FEATURE.  It’s called Live Video Streaming, and it’s like Botox for websites.

The Video Stream shows Serena getting rejected by Hamilton House, as a politely reserved, but secretly smug, Blair fondles her new key to the kingdom elite Columbia society.  Of course, this poses the very important question of WHO is Gossip Girl, that she was able to get such close-up footage of the girls at this elite event?  You see, in the past, any onlooker could have sent Gossip Girl the pictures and intel that the site happened to be seeking at the time. 

However, seeing as the GG site had been down for a period of time; and, presumably no one, except Gossip Girl herself (or himself), knew at the time that the site had video capabilities, that pretty much narrows the suspects down to someone in that room.  Could it be Juliet?  Penelope? 

 Only time will tell . . .

Outside of Hamilton House, Blair half-heartedly offers to decline membership in the club for Serena’s sake.  However, Serena, who knows a fake gesture of kindness when she sees one, replies that this will not be necessary.  “S” would never stand in the way of her Best-ie’s social progress.  Besides, Hamilton House may just be a bit too “right wing” for a bohemian gal, like Serena.

Famous Hamilton House Alumnis

Upon receiving Serena’s “blessing” to stay in Hamilton House, Blair responds like THIS . . .

 . . . and bounces off excitedly, but not before making plans to meet Serena later for dinner and drinks.

Feeling a bit like the Stinky Kid in Elementary School, who nobody wanted to play with,  Serena calls Dorky Dan, in hopes of bolstering her recently diminished self esteem . . .

. . . and he BLOWS HER OFF . . .

 . . . to hang out with a guy who still POOPS IN HIS PANTS!

Then she calls Hot Pants Nate . . .

. . . and HE BLOWS HER OFF TOO!

(Apparently, Hamilton House is coed, and Nate’s a member as well.  How CONVENIENT!)

Yes, Serena.  Apparently, college IS just like High School.  Except, now, you are the NEW Jenny Humphrey . . .

It’s not easy . . . being sleazy.

Lifestyles of the Rich and the Rapist

While the rest of his friends are stories below, pretending to matriculate at Columbia, Chuck Bass is sleeping on million-thread count sheets, in the Penthouse Suite at the Empire Hotel.  He wakes up to find his new Gal Pal Eva missing.  When he sees the sliding glass door to the balcony open, Chuck worries for a moment that the idea of being the most HATED new cast member of Gossip Girl got to be too much for Eva, and she threw herself out the window.

Goodbye, Cruel Fangirls!

(At the same time, Chair fans across the nation are keeping their fingers crossed for the same result.  It’s nothing personal, Eva.  You’re just NO Blair Waldorf!)

But, alas when Chuck arrives outside, he finds Eva simply looking out at the city skyline, with her feet planted firmly on the ground.  “Your world . . . it’s magnificent,” says Eva, with all the emotion and excitement of a person saying, “I have a dentist appointment today.”

Chuck is so enamored by Eva’s innocence, that he can’t help but set out to destroy it.  Immediately, he offers Eva room service, a spa day, and unlimited access to his credit card.  You know, Eva, I recently saw a movie just like this.  Wanna know which one?

Yes, Eva.  I AM calling you a whore (but a VERY nice and well-mannered one, just like in the movie)!

“Your life is perfect,” Eva says in a dull monotone that would make Ben Stein proud.

“Bueller . . . Bueller . .  . Bueller.”

“Now, so is yours,” lies Chuck through his teeth.

Meanwhile, Nate stops by Chuck’s hotel suite to return the Bass-tard’s Black Book, and lecture the hotel scion about being honest with his girlfriend about his shady past.

Riiiiight.  Just like I’m sure Nate is going to be honest with HIS new girlfriend about all the STD’s he undoubtedly contracted this summer, as a result of using said “Black Book.”

Leaving Eva to her own devices, Chuck goes to visit Lily . . .

 . . . the one person member of his Post-Sex with She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named Fan Club.  Chuck tells Lily that he is a changed man, who has stopped screwing raccoons . . .

. . . and has, instead, fallen in love with a character from the Harry Potter series.

Eager to make things right with her extended family, Lily invites Chuck and Eva to attend Fashion’s Night Out.  There, she supposes, the van der Woodsens, Basses and Humphreys can mingle without the added pressure of a formalized dinner.  Chuck agrees.

Later, Lily convinces Rufus to give the New and Improved Bass . . .

“I’m singing a Redemption Song!”

 . . . a second chance at the fashion event.  Rufus initially agrees to have an open mind.  However, when Eric . . .

Welcome back, Buddy!  We missed you!  You’re the least screwed up character on THIS SHOW!  (Well . . . aside from the whole “tried to commit suicide” thing.)

. . . spills the bean to Rufus about Chuck’s attempted rape of Jenny during the pilot episode her freshman year . . .

 . . . Papa Humphrey radically changes his tune.

That afternoon, while Eva shops her little heart out on Chuck’s dime, she runs into Blair.

Of course, in typical Mean Girl fashion, Blair taunts Eva the Robot about her modest beginnings, plain looks, and peasant hands. With a scathing sneer and biting wit that would make Season 1 Blair proud, Queen B lets her latest competition for Chuck’s heart know, in no uncertain terms, that she is a “woman off the rack,” who does not belong in GG society.  (And most Chair fans would AGREE!) 

You can take the girl out of Constance Billard Prep . . . but you can’t take Constance Billard Prep out of the girl.

The bitter exchange upsets Eva enough (to the extent that she is capable of expressing human emotion) to cause her to confront Chuck about it, as the two prepare for Fashion’s Night Out.  In an admittedly sweet moment, Chuck tells Eva that he loves that she doesn’t fit in to his snooty world.  He truly believes that, once given a chance to meet her, the Upper East Siders will love Eva just as much as HE does . . .

Oh, Chuck!  You Sweet, but Ignorant, Slut!  How willingly you overestimate the kindness of your friends and family.

As we watch Eva childishly recite the GG cast members’ names, like a child trying to remember a nursery rhyme, we just KNOW this girl is in for some seriously bad sh*t, in the weeks to come.  It almost makes me feel bad for her . . . almost.

Who’s Your Daddy, Baby Milo?

Meanwhile, Dan is still playing proud papa to Georgina’s spawn, Baby Milo . . .

 . . . when he receives a Gossip Girl blast that Georgina is living it up in St. Barts, while he is cleaning spit up off his unlimited collection of ugly flannel shirts.  To make matters worse, Busy Body Rufus rushes over to tell Dan that, based on his own expert opinion (Read: complete lamens’, not to mention, LAME MAN’S opinion), Baby Milo CANNOT be Dan’s son.

Cue the entrance of Vanessa “Never Met a Plotline She Couldn’t Make Boring” Abrams.

Together her and Dan enter into a positively snooze-worthy discussion about Dan’s options regarding the care of Baby Milo.  Unfortunately for Dan, he has gone and fallen in love with the little Demon Baby, and can’t imagine giving it up for adoption or putting it in foster care.  Dan wants to raise Milo himself.  However, he fears that his student lifestyle will provide him with neither the time nor sufficient income to get the job done.

Then Vanessa, saves the day, by offering to move in with Dan, and help him to raise Baby Milo.

(This is the point in the recap where I would insert a “YIPPEE” . . . if I cared enough about this storyline to do so, which I don’t . . .)

Dan initially cautions his girlfriend against this idea.  He fears he is asking too much of Vanessa, and will ultimately end up jeopardizing their relationship as a result.

Well . . . that got a response from me!

Even though she was CLEARLY not born yet when the film in question came out, Vanessa argues that if Tom Selleck and Ted Danson from Three Men and a Baby could raise a kid, so could Dan and Vanessa . . .

“As long as that doesn’t make me Guttenberg,” quips Dan.

Ummm . . . I hate to break it to you Dan .  . . but you are TOTALLY Guttenberg.  And Vanessa is Tom Selleck’s mustache . . .

Dan agrees to let Vanessa move in and help him raise Baby Milo.  However, before she can return to the apartment with all her hippie skirts, mismatched scarfs, incense, and patchouli . . . GEORGINA RETURNS!

In what was undoubtedly the most interesting and hilarious part of this lame and second rate B-plot storyline, Georgina explains that Milo’s father is some Russian businessman who she met and screwed on an airplane.

“Now, I’m a super villain AND a member of the Mile High Club.  I RULE!”

Unfortunately, for Georgina, the Russian businessman’s wife found out about the tryst, and when she heard Georgina was pregnant, she put a hit out on the dimunitve vixen.  By doctoring Milo’s birth certificates to say that Dan was his father (as opposed to the 100’s of other men Trampy Georgina undoubtedly was banging during that time), Georgina got the killers off her tail.  Now, however, she’s finally decided to grow up and be a real mother to Milo. 

Dan tries to protest.  However, he has no REAL claim to the Baby, so Georgina ultimately takes the child with her.  At the end of the episode, Vanessa and Dan decide to move in together, anyway.

And they all lived Boringly Ever After . . .

(Honestly, I was kind of hoping for more Georgina Hijinks and Histrionics here.  Weren’t you?  Like, for example, watching her be chased by a bunch of Russian Mafioso would be absolutely HILARIOUS, in my opinion!

But, perhaps, not everyone agrees with me . . .)

Rufus Humphrey Cock Block Extraordinaire

“As the Lord is my Witness, Chuck Bass will NEVER GET LAID AGAIN!  Mwahhahaha!”

At Fashion’s Night Out, Chuck approaches Lily, Rufus and Eric to make his apologies, and hopefully, to introduce them to Eva.

Unfortunately for Chuck, Rufus is not too keen on forgiving his daughter’s Date Rapist.  In fact, he doesn’t want the Bass-tard anywhere NEAR HIS FAMILY.  And yet, Rufus the Doofus takes his Chuck-sized hatred one step further.  He wants Chuck to become a re-virginized MONK!

“Whatcha you talkin’ about, Rufus?”

When Eva enters the fray, Chuck, fearing that Rufus will spill the beans about his pervy past to the woman he is passing the time until Blair takes him back with loves, throws himself on the sword saying, “That’s just another social climber making a play for Chuck Bass.  She is not with me.”

Oh no you, didn’t!

Eva dashes off in tears.  And Chuck, after another heart-to-heart with surrogate Mommy Lily, finally finds the courage to rush after her, come clean about his sordid past.  At first, Eva is disgusted, and leaves him.  Almost immediately, a tail between his legs Chuck confronts Blair.

And the Queen B is so smug and self-satisfied about Chuck’s failure and Eva’s resultant departure, that she practically does a dance of joy, right in front of him.

But then Eva returns.

“It was hard for me to learn what kind of man you were.  But I’ve seen the kind of man you can be.  And I choose to be with that man,” announces Eva.

Her and Chuck then kiss (BARF!), as Blair looks on disgusted.

“Once lips have tasted caviar, it baffles me how they can return to catfish,” Blair notes wryly, toward the end of the episode.

Well said, Miss Waldorf!  Because it sure beats the heck out of me . . .

Secret Society Hijinks Ensue .  . .

I wanted to save the most intriguing plotline for last, so allow me to backtrack a bit, and tell you what happened after Blair was admitted into Hamilton House, and Serena wasn’t.  Well, first the Slimy Seductive Juliet took Blair aside, and poured a little metaphorical poison in her ear, when the latter inquired as to why Serena wasn’t admitted into their little club.

“Isn’t it better to have something at this school that is just yours,” Juliet suggests casually, with all the finesse of a snake in the Garden of Eden.

Boy!  Juliet sure has Blair’s number!  Little Miss “I’ll take the West Bank, you take the East,” is no one if not a person who is constantly seeking out her own fame and recognition.  Juliet then takes things one step further, insisting that Blair attend a Martini Event thrown by Hamilton House, instead of keep her dinner plans with Serena.  Then, when Serena calls to find out where Blair is, Juliet instructs her to LIE about her whereabouts, so as not to “hurt Serena’s feelings.”

Blair stupidly takes the bait. 

Moments later, in a move that surprised precisely NO ONE, Gossip Girl streamed the Martini Event live, allowing Serena to catch Blair in her fib.  (It was at this moment, Boys and Girls, that I became pretty certain that Juliet was Gossip Girl.  Little did I know that something would happen later to prove me wrong . . .)

The next day, an angry Serena confronted a very flowery-dressed Blair about her deception, suggesting that Juliet sabotaged Serena’s ability to get into Hamilton House.  Blair, as per usual, gets defensive, “There’s no conspiracy.  Hamilton House just doesn’t want YOU!”  Blair yelps.

Blair then walks off in a huff.

Later, Serena sees other girls getting keys to Hamilton House, even after Juliet suspiciously claimed there were none left.  So, “S” decides to confront the BIATCH.

Turning the tables on Serena, Juliet asserts that it was BLAIR who kept Serena from getting into Hamilton House, by revealing to the alumni the existence of a sex tape involving Serena and Pete Hammond. . . as in THAT GUY SHE “KILLED.”

At Fashion’s Night Out, we see an angry-looking Serena stalk into the building in search of Blair.  The next thing we know, Gossip Girl is live-streaming footage of a hair pulling, name-calling argument between the frenemies, in which Blair awkwardly notes that Serena’s dad couldn’t raise herproperly, because he was busy giving her mother, FAKE CANCER! 

(OUCH!  That had to hurt!)

Meanwhile, a smug Juliet, who, along with her new Hamilton House minions, is watching the whole fight on her iPhone, decides to put the whole altercation on wide-screen television, for all the Fashion’s Night Out attendees to enjoy.

Eventually Juliet tells her minions that it is time to “step in and save ‘her sister’ [Blair] from that b*tch [Serena].”  However, when Juliet rips back the curtain, all she finds is Blair and Serena sitting calmly on the sofa, watching the same pre-recorded broadcast, the rest of the party is enjoying.  As it turns out, they had leaked the fake fight footage to Gossip Girl, in order to catch Juliet in the act of trying to ruin both of their reputations. 

(This turn of events just made it very unlikely that Juliet is actually Gossip Girl.)

“Your little plan might have worked on us in High School, but not now,” lectures Blair maturely (before sticking her tongue out, and singing “Nah-Nah, Nah-Nah, Nah-Nah.”)

She’s right.  Juliet’s plan probably WOULD have worked on Blair and Serena, back when they were in High School.  In fact, it DID work.  If I recall, Georgina Sparks, herself, had done this exact sort of thing, once or twice, in earlier seasons, to break the besties apart.)

Lily van der Woodsen, who, OF COURSE, just so happens to be on the alumni board at Hamilton House, immediately dethrones Juliet, and offers her own daughter a “much-deserved” key to to the house.  Juliet skulks off.  And Nate, who has witnessed the whole ordeal, begins to run after her.  However, Serena stops him first.

Never exactly the “sharpest tool in the shed,” Nate surprises everybody, by siding with PSYCHO STALKER JULIET in this little battle of wits.  And why not?  After all, Serena cheated on him with Dorky Dan Humphrey last year, and then just automatically expected him to take her back.  And Nate DID want to take her back . . . at least, at first. 

But now, all the sudden, Nate has decided that he’s MAD at Serena (an emotion he should have experienced MONTHS ago . . . and probably would have, if he wasn’t so busy porking all those whores in Chuck’s Black Book).  Now, given all Nate’s “MAD-ness,” no matter what Serena does, she’s going to be a Big Fat Poopy Head in Nate’s eyes.

After leaving Serena to comprehend the concept of a boy actually NOT wanting to bone her, Nate rushes to Psycho Stalker Juliet.  Crazy Train tells him that she only schemed against Serena, because she didn’t want Nate around her all the time at Hamilton House.  In short, Juliet claims that she acted out of jealousy.

Sure, it’s obvious to everyone that Juliet is lying.  But not to Moronic Nate, who’s just arrogant enough to believe her.  So, while Serena is moving in to La Casa de Waldorf with Blair and Dorota; Nate and Juliet are making out, and sealing their fate as the most effed up couple in Gossip Girl history (well, aside from Chuck and Jenny of course — but they don’t count.)

It all ends in a fairly commonplace way, until the last scene.  There, we see Juliet visiting some guy in prison.  Upon listening to their conversation we can conclude that (1) HE’S the one who’s hired Psycho Stalker Girl to screw with Serena and the rest of the Upper East Side Crew; and (2) the prison-bound pair are romantically involved in some way — thus, making Juliet’s romantic advances toward Nate (for now, at least) completely phony.

But who IS this guy?  My first thought was that he was Carter Baizen.  After all, Carter’s criminal dealings and grudges against most of the GG cast, would make him a likely candidate for something like this.  The problem, of course, was that this guy didn’t look like Sebastian Stan (the actor who plays Carter).

My second guess was that this Prisoner Dude is somehow related to Pete, the guy Serena “killed.”  After all, Juliet made a point to mention Pete’s name, when making an excuse as to why Serena wasn’t admitted to Hamilton House.  How else would she know all that information, if not from a connected outside source?

Well, I’m all out of ideas.  What about you guys?  Any suggestions as to who this orange-jumpsuited man might be, or why he hates Serena so much?

[www.juliekushner.com]

What’s become of the broken hearted? – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s Season Premiere “Belles Du Jour”

“They say it’s a broken heart, but I hurt with my whole body.” 

Although the above-referenced statement might sound like a line from a pharmeceutical commercial . . .

Are you depressed?  Lonely?  Not feeling quite like yourself?  If so, you might be suffering from Chuck Bass withdrawal . . .

 . . . it was actually uttered by Blair Waldorf, toward the end of Gossip Girl’s Season 4 premiere, “Belles Du Jour.”  Of course, our favorite Queen B wasn’t the only one feeling that way.  In fact, whether or not they were willing to admit it, each member of “Manhattan’s Elite” was nursing a broken heart of some sort, during this past summer.  And this first episode illustrated to GG fans the highly distinct ways that these characters chose to cope with their unique brands of heartache . . .

The Fountain of Ruthless

Ever wonder what it would be like to swim in a fountain in Paris?  You might want to ask Serena . . .

When the episode opens, we are treated to the oh-so-familar voice of Gossip Girl, as she summarizes the highlights of Blair’s and Serena’s epic summer abroad in Paris. 

Now, I know this is ONLY a TV show, and we are supposed to suspend reality a bit here.  And yet, I can’t help but cry foul.  It’s one thing for Gossip Girl, who was presumably a fellow student at Constance Billard Prep, to follow the goings on of Serena and Blair, during the first two seasons of the show.  By extension, it would be conceivable for Gossip Girl to continue to follow the girls in college, seeing as the entire crew seemed to stay in New York City.  I can even understand how Gossip Girl got scoop on the girls’ previous summers in the Hamptons, since ALL of the Upper East Siders summered there.  But for her to chronicle the girls’ ENTIRE SUMMER IN PARIS?

Are we supposed to believe that this ambitious 19-year old has Frenchies on her payroll too?  Or, perhaps, she flew to Paris, herself.  Ummm . . . you know, we have a word for that here in America, Gossip Girl.  It’s called STALKING.  And it’s ILLEGAL. 

Be afraid for your EX, Mr. Archibald.  VERY afraid!

Oh, and while we’re on the subject, are we supposed to believe that Gossip Girl is intrepid enough (and lame enough) to know exactly where in Paris Blair eats her morning muffins, but has NO CLUE that Chuck was almost SHOT TO DEATH PRAGUE??!! 

Gee, I don’t know the answer to that question . .  . but I CAN tell you that Serena went to the bathroom 8 times yesterday!  Could she be diabetic?

Come on Show Writers, have a little faith in your fans’ intelligence .  . .

But I digress . . . back to Blair and Serena.  Gossip Girl informs us that Serena has screwed the entire West Bank of Paris in a single summer, causing stock prices for all condom manufacturers located there to soar through the roof.  This single-handedly ends the country’s economic recession.

Serena van der Woodsen:  Saving the world, one f*ck at a time!

Meanwhile, BLAIR . . . did some sightseeing and . . . (gasp) ATE CARBS!

It’s OK, Blair.  Five pounds can be easily lost, but an STD is forever . . .

In other words, Blair may have eaten crabs in Paris, but SERENA took them home . . .

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that Blair WASN’T looking for love in Paris, she was just a little pickier about it than Serena.  Specifically, suitors who are neither royalty  . . .

nor Chuck Bass .  . .

. . . need not apply.

One day, Blair is admiring an exquisite Manet at a nearby museum . . .

. . . when she realizes that someone else is admiring her . . .

His name is Louis.  And, to his credit, he does a fairly nice job of feigning sufficient interest in the artwork, to convince Blair that he’s cultured enough to accompany Her Majesty to dinner.  But what REALLY seals the deal for Louis is this . . .

 . . . a chauffeured car and a Royal Family Name Drop. 

(GIF provided by http://ohnotheydidnt.livejournal.com)

In preparation for her Big Night Out, a newly ecstatic Blair commandeers BFF Serena for a shopping excursion, where no credit card is left behind. 

“Blair, Cinderella did NOT Google Prince Charming,” Serena lectures, as our Queen B tries desperately to get additional intel on her would-be suitor.

Cinderella may not have, but that doesn’t mean that WE can’t .  . .

Speaking of Serena, she has some good news of her own.  Turns out, our girl has been accepted into Columbia University, where Blair and Nate will also be matriculating this upcoming fall. 

And yet, Serena is not quite sure how to break this so-called “good” news to Blair, who apparently has final say on all her friends’ continuing education choices.  So, of course, in typical Serena fashion, she says . . . nothing.

“I wanted to tell her!  But my Mom always said that it’s rude to talk with your mouth full.”

Mouth full or not, Blair invites Serena to tag along on her date with Louis, because Louis’ “friend,” Jean Michel, also wants to come along.  All seems well in Blair-land — that is, of course, until Louis shows up, DRIVING HIS OWN CAR .  . .

 . . . and wearing a fashion accessory that makes him most unworthy of receiving the annointed status of Queen B’s Beau  . . .

A Chauffeur’s CAP?  OMG!  The dude might as well have been wearing a KKK hood, as far as Blair is concerned . . .

According to Louis, Jean Michel is the ROYAL, and HE, is nothing more than the lowly driver.

At dinner, Blair tries to be courteous to her “blue collar” date, but ends up doing a really crappy job of it  — responding to an admittedly not-that-funny anecdote about Louis wearing blue jeans to a fancy dinner, by lecturing her guests on the importance of respecting the “Rules of Fashion.”

“That’s right, Louis!  And if you don’t eat every last vegetable on your plate, I will see to it that you are GROUNDED!”

But the poo REALLY hits the fan, when Blair receives a call from her mother, who was apparently, oh-so-excited to learn that Serena would be going to Columbia with Blair, that she had to call her IMMEDIATELY to gossip about it.  Massive international time differences be damned!

 “OH HELL NO!  You mean to tell me THAT DUMB SLUT got into Columbia?  Aren’t there ANY standards in the Ivy Leagues anymore?  I might has well have gone to (gasp) a STATE SCHOOL!”

Now, Blair, despite being, by all other accounts, highly intelligent (and despite having been out of high school for OVER A YEAR) STILL has not disabused herself of the notion that the whole wide world is made up of two classes of people:  the popular clique and BIG FAT LOSERS of Turdville.  Additionally, Blair truly believes that the “popular clique” at Columbia is not big enough for both her and Serena.  So, if Serena matriculates there (without banging the entire rugby team and flunking out her first semester– which, let’s face it, is probably what she’s going to end up doing, anyway), Blair will be banished to Turdville for ALL ETERNITY . . . or at least until college graduation. 

OH THE HORROR!

So, Blair not-so-subtly drags Serena outside and more or less tells her she CANNOT attend Columbia University. 

“Now, look what you’ve done, Serena!  You have made me break out my ANGRY FACE!  Do you have any idea how much BOTOX I’m going to need in the future to repair all the damage you’ve caused?”

When Serena refuses to obey her Bestie’s matriculation wishes, Blair does THIS . . .

 . . . which results in THIS . . .

“I’m MELTING!  I’m MELTING!”

A very WET Serena returns to the restaurant, to find Blair trying to make up lame excuses for her absence to Louis and Jean Michel.  But Jean Michel already LOVES Serena (of course), and immediately escorts her out.   When Louis shows an interest in finishing dinner with Blair (though, honestly, after her rude behavior that night, I’m not quite sure why), Blair quickly suggests they follow Jean Michel instead.  And THAT is when Louis drops the bomb on her.

As it turns out, Louis IS royal, after all! 

He just wanted to test Blair to see if she really liked him for his personality, or just for his esteemed status.  And Blair FAILED the test . . . MISERABLY.

I guess she should have Googled her Prince Charming a bit more thoroughly . . .

That night, as Serena packs to travel home, a guilt-ridden, dumped, tail-between-her legs, Blair apologizes profusely for her bad behavior — chalking it all up to Chuck-induced depression.  Blair even “gallantly” allows Serena to attend HER college.  The “best friends” promptly kiss and makeup.  HOORAY!

Awwww, LOOK!  They’re even in front of a fountain . . . MEMORIES!

 Hit me with a Baby, One More Time!

In other news, Dan is shacking up and playing house with Georgina  . . .

 . . . along with their supposed lovechild, Baby Milo. 

But, as always, Georgina is obviously hiding something.  Repeatedly, during the episode, she gets angry secret phone calls from some harsh-sounding Eastern European dude, who, for some reason, seems OBSESSED with Georgina getting Dan to sign the kid’s birth certificate.  What does this guy have on Georgina?  And why the hell does he care so much about Dan?  (Nobody else does!) 

Perhaps Baby Milo is HIS, and he’s using Dan’s paternity of Milo to get his own Greencard? 

Who knows?  What we do know is that Dan is in some serious Doo Doo!

When Dan starts avoiding his parental units (because, of course, he’s never told them about the baby), Rufus and Lily. . .

 . . .  start to suspect something is up with him.   And so, Dan’s parents send in for reinforcements.  Or, rather, one REALLY ANNOYING reinforcement . . .

Vanessa barges into Dan’s apartment and finds him  .  . . with child.

Meet Milo!  The NOT AT ALL realistic looking spawn of “Dangina”  (Although . . . he DOES seem to have his dad’s chin.)

While Dan is reminiscing with the snoozy girlfriend that almost was, Georgina is busy accidentally / on purpose spilling the beans to Dan’s parents about their new grandchild.  Rufus is skeptical, and rightly so.  His only solace comes from the fact that Dan has not yet signed Milo’s birth certificate.  “Get  . . . a . . . paternity . . . test . . . NOW!”  Rufus demands.

“Fortunately,” Georgina has one right in her purse!  (How VERY convenient!)  When Rufus once again questions the reliability of these results  rightly so), Georgina has them TELEPHONE the doctor for confirmation.  (Riiiiiight, because doctors can NEVER be paid off!) 

Unsurprisingly, the doctor confirms that Dan is, in fact, the Baby Daddy.  So, “New Papa Humphrey,” who has, apparently, never watched an episode of Law and Order before, immediately signs the birth certificate, and returns it to Georgina.  The next day Georgina is GONE, and Dan is left to care for Baby Milo ALONE!

Oh, wait!  That was supposed to be SHOCKING, right?  I’m sorry.  Let’s try that again . . .

Better?

Nate gets a date . .  . (well, actually,  a lot of them — but only one that really matters)

Since the two are attempting to get over EACHOTHER, it makes sense that both Serena and Nate are mending their broken hearts in the exact same way . . . through their pants.

I found these in Nate’s hotel room.  Either that guy is getting laid LOTS, or he’s attempting to open a Victoria’s Secret franchise . . .

Armed with the MIA Chuck’s Little Black Book, Nate has spent his summer boning some of the New York City’s skankiest honeys.  And yet, the fun of it all is starting to wear a little thin.   And, perhaps, THAT is what intrigues him about the seemingly bookish, slightly standoffish, but still ridiculously attractive, Juliet Sharpe . . .

Although initially put off by his man-whoring ways, Juliet appears to recognize in Nate a troubled man with a good soul.  So, eventually, she slips him her digits, and offers him a shoulder (and pair of boobs) to cry on.  Of course, Nate readily accepts the offer.  He’s IS guy, after all!

And yet, at the very end of the episode, we see that Juliet may not be exactly who she seems to be.  For starters, she has THIS over her desk . . .

You mean Juliet is a FANGIRL, who watches GOSSIP GIRL, and loves Chace Crawford?  How very meta!

Actually, it’s not only Nate that’s featured on the wall.  Other cast members Upper East Siders are represented there too . . .

And it’s not just pictures of them.  It’s also notes, magazine clippings, and other assorted intel.  CREEPY!

OK.  So, here are my guesses as to Juliet’s “BIG SECRET.”  (1) Juliet IS, in fact, a stalker / psycho killer, which could make her a lot of fun, and/or unbelievably lame, depending on how well her character is written;

(2)  She’s some undercover CIA or FBI operative, sent to investigate criminal activity within the Archibald Family, or the Bass Family, or the van der Woodsen Family (They each include AT LEAST one criminal, after all).

Yeah, I know.  I know.  This ISN’T Katie Cassidy (the actress who plays Juliet).  It’s actually Heather Locklear, back when she was in her twenties.  But the two kind of look alike, so I thought I might get away with it.  Sorry.

or (3) (and this is my personal favorite)  Juliet Sharpe is GOSSIP GIRL!

“XOXO, Juliet Gossip Girl”

A plot twist like this would be AWESOME!  For one thing, it would serve to FINALLY solve the four-year long mystery of who this Upper East Side stalker biatch actually is. (And DON’T say she’s Kristen Bell, because I’m not just talking about the “voice” of Gossip Girl, and YOU know it!)

“I am NOT a GOSSIP!  I just play one on TV!”

Additionally, since we already KNOW Juliet and Nate will eventually hook up, I think it will be absolutely HILARIOUS to watch Gossip Girl try to repeatedly “blast” news items, in which she is one of the key players.  Here is an example of what such a news blast might look like:

 “Spotted, Nate Archibald doing the horizontal mambo in the backseat of a limo with ME! ME! ME! YAY! WOOHOO! OMG! HE’S SO HOT! random nobody, Juliet Sharpe.”

GG writers, PLEASE make this happen!

Oh, and just in case you were wondering where Chuck Bass was . . .

“Ummmm, YAH!  That’s why we’ve suffered through this whole long recap.  DUH!”

He’s dead!

Just kidding!  He’s PRESUMED dead, but actually alive, having been nursed back to health by some random blonde chicky.

“Who the heck are you?”

“I’m Eva, Chuck!  What’s the matter?  Don’t you read spoilers?”

Apparently, these two were shacked up in Prague throughout Chuck’s (sorry “Henry Prince’s”) recovery.  But, now, they have left Prague . . .

 .  . .   and arrived in (shocker of shockers) PARIS . . .

 . . . temporary home away from home to one, Blair Waldorf.

Golly, GG fans!  Paris is a MIGHTY BIG PLACE!  These two star-crossed lovers couldn’t possibly cross paths there.  Could they? 😉

There you have it folks, our first GG episode of Season 4.  Was it everything you hoped for?  Or were you as peeved by the Extreme Lack of Chuck, as I was?

P.S.  Before I sign off, I would be totally remiss, if I did not take this opportunity, during my first GG post of the new fall season, to thank the lovely folks at Chuck and Blair the Perfect Pair for helping me get my GG fix all summer long.  If you haven’t visited their site yet, please, by all means, drop everything you are doing, and GO NOW!  I am serious!  You will NOT be disappointed!

XOXO

[www.juliekushner.com]

OMFG? Not so much . . . – The Top Ten “Been There, Seen That” Teen Television Cliches (Part 1 of 2)

It is probably no secret to anyone who has ever stopped by this blog before (or even just examined the above “collage”), that I am a sucker for Trash-tastic Teen Television.  I have been a fan of these types of shows since the age of eight.  That was when I first decided that I desperately wanted to be a teen.  And I have no doubt that I will remain a fan, long after I have cruised past “old age,” and am forced to squint through my coke bottle glasses, and smile through my dentures, at the sight of some pipsqueaks (who bear a suspicious resemblance to my grandkids) attending prom on my small screen.

“That is one hot threesome.  Oh, when I think back to my first threesome . . . ah memories!”

Having been around the “teenage television” block quite a bit since my eighth birthday, I have come to notice a few patterns among my favorite teen dramas.  Over the years, I have watched in wonder, as certain storylines traveled across decades,  time zones, and networks, just to reach my lowly television set, over and over (and over and over) again . . .  So I’ve decided to investigate these storylines, in hopes of FINALLY figuring out what makes them so “gosh darn special!”

1) “Hit me with a baby, one more time!” – The Pregnancy Scare and/or Actual Pregnancy Plotline

The Storyline: Our teen female protagonist has sex . . . usually for the first time.  Her partner is either a long, LONG time boyfriend, with whom she has been discussing doing the deed for the ENTIRE season . . .

 Or, conversely, he is a one night-stand, who she (a) barely knows; or (b) seemingly despises.  There is never any in between. 

In the very next scene, our protagonist learns that she has missed her period.  She is FLIPPING THE F&CK OUT!

She keeps her discovery a secret from everyone, except for her best friend.  And the best friend is inevitably the one who convinces the protagonist to take the pregnancy test.

Regardless of the pregnancy test’s ultimate result, inevitably there comes a time when our protagonist has to have “The Discussion” with “The Maybe Baby Daddy.” 

 Sometimes, he takes it well . .  . usually, he doesn’t . . . at least, not at first.

Now, if the protagonist ends up not being pregnant . . . well then . . . THAT’S IT!  Our protagonist is RELIEVED!  She feels brand NEW!  She’s CHANGED!

She will pretend this whole little sweeps week episode never happened (or, in the case of Manny Santos, and Degrassi, the U.S. will pretend this whole episode never happened . . . by NOT AIRING IT, until about 3 years after it was actually filmed).  However, if our protagonist IS pregnant . . . we get stuck with a baby storyline for ALL ETERNITY (or at least it will seem that way  . . .)!

Examples: Brenda on 90210 (not actually pregnant); Andrea on 90210 (actually pregnant / had baby / raised baby); Summer on The O.C. (not actually pregnant); Manny on Degrassi: The Next Generation (actually pregnant / had abortion); Liberty on Degrassi: The Next Generation (pregnant / had baby / gave baby up for adoption); Emma on Degrassi: The Next Generation (not actually pregnant / feeling left out because EVERYONE else on her show actually was); Blair on Gossip Girl (not actually pregnant);  Georgina on Gossip Girl (To Be Determined?); Amy on Secret Life of the American Teenager (actually pregnant / had baby / is raising baby); Quinn on Glee (actually pregnant / had baby / gave baby up for adoption).

Why it’s a cliche?

“Hey there, boys and girls!  I’ve got a message for you!  Premarital sex is BAAAAAAAAD!”

Teen television programs tend to be written by adults.  And even the most hip and forward thinking adults, don’t like to think about their 15-year old kids f*c*ing eachother’s brains out like bunny rabbits on acid. 

So they ever so subtly try to scare the crap out of their kids, by showing them how having sex once can RUIN THEIR LIVES FOREVER!  It doesn’t really work . . .

This storyline is SO overdone that precisely NO ONE is shocked or dismayed by the prospect of a female protagonist  . . . missing her period.  Hey writers, want to REALLY scare your kids celibate?  Give your television characters crabs. 

That will permanently glue your teen’s legs shut for sure!

2) “OH NO!  You killed .  . . what’s his name again?” – The Death of the Peripheral Character Plotline

 

The Storyline:  There is this recurring character on your favorite show that has becoming increasingly annoying, of late. 

You can’t quite put your finger on it, but you just think the character really sucks. 

And you can’t wait for him or her to leave your television screen ALONE! 

You spend WAY too much time bashing this minor character on online message boards, and in snarky recaps of the show.  In those messages, you may or may not beg the show’s writers for said character’s untimely demise. 

Then the character actually DIES. 

And you’re secretly happy that you got what you wanted. 

But NOW you’re convinced you are very sh*tty person.  Because, REALLY, what kind of nice, normal person is HAPPY when someone dies, real or fake?  Even though very few of the characters on your show seemed to like this character any more than you did, while he was alive, they all make a big show of mourning and /or having a funeral for him or her.  

Your favorite character will inevitably give the eulogy for this character.  And it will be all warm, and fuzzy, and heartfelt . . . and, of course, totally depressing. 

And YOU will surprise yourself by crying like a baby when you watch it (probably out of guilt for openly hating the character so much . . . or . . .  maybe the scene just reminds you of a dead relative).  After the episode airs, the show’s entire cast will COMPLETELY forget that this dead character ever existed . . .

Examples: Scott on 90210, Abby on Dawson’s Creek; Rick on Degrassi: The Next Generation, Johnny on The O.C., that dude Serena supposedly “killed” on Gossip Girl, Percy and Reed on Grey’s Anatomy (not technically a teen show, but still . . .), Vicki on The Vampire Diaries

Why it’s a cliche?  The “Very Special” Dead Person episode of any teen show is sure to be a ratings grabber, no matter how unlikeable the soon-to-be dead character was before he met his demise.  Plus, killing any character on their show (even if it’s just a one-episode guest star) allows producers to run that oh-so-original . . . “SOMEBODY WILL DIE!” promo the week before their episode airs, and you know how ALL producers LOVE that promo! 

3) “Hot for Teacher!” – The Inappropriate Student / Teacher Relationship Plotline

The Storyline:  The protagonist has a crush on his or her very attractive (yet obviously lonely, and very desperate), teacher. 

The teacher makes a lame ass attempt to rebuff the protagonists affections, but fails miserably. 

Soon the student and the teacher are doing the horizontal mambo together in secret. 

Someone always finds out.  Someone always exposes them for the sluts they both are. 

It always ends badly . . .

Examples: Pacey and Miss Jacobs on Dawson’s Creek, Paige and Mr. O on Degrassi: The Next Generation, Dan and Miss Carr on Gossip Girl, Aria and Mr. Fitz on Pretty Little Liars

Why it’s a cliche?  Forbidden love is HOT!  And cougars are all the rage!  Plus, who HASN’T had a crush on one of their teachers and indulged in a naughty fantasy, or two (or twenty) involving same? 

 Mine was my freshman history teacher in high school.  He was pretty young, compared to most of my teachers at that time . . . probably in his mid-to-late twenties . . . and single.  Actually, he kind of looked like this . . .

 . . . only he was a wee bit older . . . and he generally wore shirts (unfortunately).  Coincidentally, Mr. Devlin, if your reading this . . . 😉

4) “Cheaters never win, and winners never . . . whatever.” – The Cheating on a Test / Plagiarism Plotline

Storyline: The protagonist REALLY needs to pass a particular test or ace a certain paper.  He or she is under a lot of external pressure to do so. 

 But something happens, so that he or she doesn’t have time to do the appropriate amount of studying and /or research.  He or she is tempted, upon receiving answers to the test or a pre-written paper, to . . . CHEAT!

The protagonist struggles with whether or not to enter into the dark evil world of “school crime,” but ultimately does. 

Because the character cheated, he or she does so well on the test or paper that his teacher inevitably wants to enter him or her in some national competition of some sort related to the aforementioned paper or test.  Smothered by guilt, the character eventually comes clean.  He or she then gets in trouble . . . 

But not in nearly as much trouble as the character would, if caught, in . . . say . . . the REAL WORLD . . .

“It can’t possibly be worse than when I got that awful haircut . . .”

Examples: Felicity on Felicity, Andie on Dawson’s Creek, Rusty on Greek, Lindsay and Daniel on Freaks and Geeks, Spencer on Pretty Little Liars

Why it’s a cliche?  One word:  schadenfreude.  You see, here’s the thing . . . every teen show has that one uptight overachieving character, who always gets A’s, is super judgmental of all of her “less brilliant” friends, and never seems to do anything wrong.  Admit it!  It’s kind of fun to see tight asses like that crack under the pressure . . .

Make that VERY fun!

5) “I’m gonna do real bad things to you .  . . and make you DO real bad things!”  – The “Bad Influence” Plotline

The Storyline: Our protagonist is going through kind of a “rough patch” in his or her life.  He or she is therefore looking to let loose, and have some sort of emotional and/or physical release.  In walks a character who is fun, adventurous, and more than a little dangerous. 

Our protagonist starts hanging out with the “dangerous” character a lot. 

(Click the internal link to watch!)

Before you know it, he or she is behaving just like the “dangerous” character, and getting into all sorts of trouble as a result.   

 The protagonists other friends are jealous of all the fun their typically boring protagonist is now having.  But they are also worried.  Inevitably, the moment comes when protagonist is about to get into a cr*p load of trouble with the “dangerous” character. 

 The friends stage an intervention of sorts. 

It works!

 The dangerous character rides away on the evil broomstick by which it came.  All is, once again, right (and boring) with the world . . .

Examples: Abby influencing Jen on Dawson’s Creek, Georgina influencing Serena on Gossip Girl, Damon influencing Caroline on The Vampire Diaries, “The Freaks” influencing Lindsay on Freaks and Geeks, that character Paul Wesley played on Everwood influencing Hannah on Everwood, that character Paul Wesley played on The O.C. influencing Ryan and Seth on The O.C.

Why it’s a cliche?  Everybody’s got a dark side.  Secretly, we all want to be a little “bad” sometimes.  The good news is that we can do it safely and vicariously, by watching our favorite “good” television characters “go bad,” albeit temporarily.  They have fun while doing it . . . and so do we, at least until their lame friends bring them back to earth.

Well, that’s all the teen television cliches I have for tonight.  But please tune in tomorrow, when I tackle love triangles, love-hate relationships, prom, the ever enlightening “trip to Europe,” and, of course, the dreaded ski trip  .  . .

The One Where Little J Ruins EVERYTHING (and finally leaves)! – A Recap of the Gossip Girl Season Finale “Last Tango, Then Paris”

“You think YOU’RE the Bad Ass, Georgina?  I destroyed the lives of the Entire Cast of Gossip Girl in a SINGLE HOUR (and possibly killed Chuck Bass).  Top that BIATCH!

I don’t think I have ever wanted to do physical harm to a television character as much as I did to Little Jenny Humphrey, while watching tonight’s Season Finale of Gossip Girl, entitled Last Tango, Then Paris.  Seriously, was there anyone on this show whose life she DIDN’T ruin tonight?  (Well . . . maybe Georgina . . . but she doesn’t really count, does she?) 

So, without further adieu, let’s take a look at HOW Jenny screwed over each of the show’s main characters, and ultimately escaped on her broomstick, with a whirlwind of evil swirling behind her . . .

How Jenny Screwed Over Serena and Dan (and, by extension, Nate and Vanessa, as well as people who hate incest)

When the episode first begins, a needy Jenny is curled up in bed with Nate.  ONCE AGAIN she is wearing that button down shirt that is SUPPOSED to be Nate’s, but it’s so large it could probably fit FIVE Nates and a Chuck in it . . .  Here, I’ll prove it to you.  Check out this screencap of Jenny in that shirt.

I’m sorry . . . It was just too easy.

Anyway, just when the entire fan contingent of Gossip Girl is about to groan “NOT THESE TWO AGAIN,”  in walks Chuck to put us at ease . . .

He explains that he KNOWS Jenny and Nate didn’t do the nasty, because he heard Nate snoring all night, and found a charge on his hotel bill for New Moon on Pay-Per-View.

I imagine we are supposed to presume that Jenny watched this flick on her own, after Nate fell asleep.  And, why not?  After all, our girl Little J OBVIOUSLY identifies with the characters from this Stephenie Meyer tale . . . well, maybe one in particular . . .

Clearly, these two share the same stylist . . .

Anyway, Chuck and Nate throw out some not-so-subtle hints that they want Jenny Bad Weave to . . . LEAVE.  So, back to Brooklyn she heads.  Once she arrives there, she sees this . . .

I just threw up in my mouth a bit, while posting this picture . . .

So, Jenny, being the EVIL TURD she truly is . . .

 . . . decides that, even though Nate has already rejected her about EIGHTY TIMES this season, why not try for EIGHTY ONE?  And because Jenny’s idea of a romantic gesture always seems to land in the “make someone so lonely and miserable that they hate themselves enough to sleep with a slut like me” realm, she decides to snap a picture of the brother /sister sex act and ship it off to Gossip Girl herself. 

After completing the dastardly deed, Little J escapes the apartment, just in time for Serena and Dan to wake up and have one of those awkward and super annoying “Oh it really doesn’t mean anything that we made out.  Let’s not tell anyone.  We’re just friends . . . blah blah blah” babbling conversations that characterized ALL of their dialogue together from SEASON ONE!  (Please don’t put us through this again, Gossip Girl!  I beg you!)

And then it came time for Dan and Serena to receive the Gossip Girl blasts featuring their “bro-sis mance” (grossmance?).  There were two things I LOVED about this scene!  (1) Dan is supposed to be this really smart guy right?  So, why did he not IMMEDIATELY figure out that Jenny had taken the picture of him.  Just how many people HAVE the keys to his Brooklyn apartment, anyway?

“Maybe it was that half-brother they randomly gave me during Season 2?  You know, the one also related to Serena?”

(2) When Dan DOES solve the Mystery of the Phantom Photo Snap, he does so because Jenny has left her disposable cup of coffee on the table . . . and it HAS HER NAME ON IT! 

Why did Jenny feel the need to write her name on this cup, when she was the ONLY ONE getting coffee?  Was she getting drinks for her imaginary friends too, and feared that she would accidentally mix up the lattes? 

Unintentional hilarity aside, seeing as BOTH Serena and Dan were currently involved in other relationships at the time of their . . . whatever the heck it was they actually did . . .  in the words of Ricky Riccardo . . .

“You have some ‘splaining to do!”

Serena confronts Nate and explains that “nothing happened” between her and Dan.  And Nate forgives her . . . RIGHT AWAY.  Their sex must be REALLY good to merit this kind of mindless acceptance on Nate’s part . . . just saying.

(Insert lewd euphemism for sex here)

Later, Nate conveniently overhears Serena and Dan having the EXACT SAME conversation they had at the beginning of the episode (That’s what these two do together, they TALK . . . A LOT!  Serena and Dan talk, about as much as Serena and Nate screw.)  This time, Nate, upon learning that the “nothing” that happened between Serena and Dan actually included a kiss, grows a pair, and actually gets pissed off.  So, what does he do?  He e-mails Vanessa in Haiti to tell her what happened.  And it seems like she’s going to DUMP DAN . . .

 . . . so that he can feel free to pursue Serena . . .

“But wait!”  You say!  “He can’t do that!”  You exclaim!  She’s related to him still dating Nate!  Right, see here’s the thing.  EVEN AFTER Nate found out that Serena played tonsil hockey with Dopey Dan, HE STILL FORGAVE HER!  This guy is a SAINT (or just really likes good sex, whichever you prefer)!  But then, get this, SERENA DUMPS HIM!

Why, you ask?  Would you believe her explanation includes phrases like, “I need to find out who I am,” and “It’s not you, it’s me.”

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m all for having “Single Ladies” on Gossip Girl, but I actually kind of like Serena and Nate together!  They’re sexy!  And I’d certainly rather have them with eachother than with anyone else (cough cough Dan, cough, Jenny, cough, Vanessa).  So, this contrived breakup between them, for seemingly no reason at all, bugged me a bit.  And if the reason was to help Serena couple with Dan, it bothers me even MORE!

Anywhoo . . . on to the REAL JUICY stuff . . .

How Jenny Screwed Over Chuck and Blair (and, by extension, the ENTIRE GG – Watching POPULATION!)

So, if you recall, last week Chuck “Affair to Remember”-ed Blair . . .

  . . . telling her that if she did not meet him at the top of the Empire State Building by 7:01 p.m., he would “close his heart to her forever.”

Now, initially, Blair is determined NOT TO GO!  And to prove it, she drags along wet blanket “Cameron” (I can’t believe this guy made it through THREE episodes already!  All he seems to do is follow Blair around silently, while she bitches people out and moons over Chuck!) . . .

“Yeah, but I just got my SAG card.  Who’s laughing now?”

 . . . and Poor Dorota, who is looking SO INCREDIBLY pregnant they practically have to roll the poor girl out of the limo.   It’s just plain cruel.  (And don’t you love how wet blanket Cameron was 100% OK with having a “chaperone” on his date?  What is with all these boys being such wimps this week?)

While Blair is trying to keep her mind occupied with purportedly “non-Chuck” related things, like telling off Jenny (if only she knew), and telling off Dan, fate seems to keep pulling her in another direction entirely.  Babblepuss Dan starts talking about “signs,” presumably in reference to himself and Serena (ick).   Blair is initially skeptical.  “Signs are for the religious, the stupid and the lower class,” she retorts angrily.

But then she sees this . . .

And suddenly, she knows what she has to do . . . meet THIS GUY!

 Sigh!

(The truly weird thing about this, is that I’m pretty sure Cameron was there THE WHOLE TIME Blair was having her epiphany . . .) 

Just when Blair is about to head off to the Empire State Building and reunite with Chuck . . . of course, Dorota’s water has to go and break.  So, now the crew (Cameron included) are headed to the hospital, instead of to the Empire State Building.  And this is when I start literally SCREAMING at my television.  “TEXT HIM BLAIR!  TELL HIM YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE!  HELLO?  IVY LEAGUE GIRL!  PUT ON YOUR THINKING CAP!” 

But I guess, if she did that, there wouldn’t be much of a story next season, right?

Name: Blair Waldorf; Age: 19; IQ: 155 (98% of episodes); 60 (season finale episodes)

So, Blair heads off to the hospital, to help Dorota deliver her baby.  And it’s Dorota (who, thankfully, is holding on to Blair’s extra IQ points for safe keeping), who tells “Mees Blair” to go meet up with Chuck ASAP.  Blair dashes off, and heads directly to the Empire State Building.

 But when she reaches the top, she’s devastated to find that Chuck has left.  The bouquet of flowers in the trash is a telltale sign to Blair that she has inadvertently broken Chuck’s heart (which could have been avoided, if she JUST texted him!)  We cut back to to the Bass apartment where Chuck is drowning his sorrows in booze, as per usual.  And of course, in comes Evil Jenny, needy and vulnerable, also as per usual, and ready to sink her claws into Chuck. 

Hey Gossip Girl writers!  Remember this?  It’s from the pilot.  You know when Chuck tried to DATE RAPE Jenny?  This is just one of the many reasons, any sort of hookup between them WON’T EVER WORK!

Jennny and Chuck begin knocking back the booze and muttering their respective “woe is me” tales to themselves.  Next thing you know, they are MAKING OUT!

And it is SO not sexy, I can’t even describe it.  Then, we see them in bed together.  And as a consolation prize for taking her V card, Chuck invites Jenny to stay the night.  But just when I was about to start banging my head against the coffee table, in walked Blair, carring the “trashed” flowers, as proof that she had, in fact, been up to the Empire State Building.

Blair FINALLY explains why she was late in arriving at the important destination.  In a sweet, if slightly sappy, scene, Blair admits to Chuck that she loves him, and wants to be with him, regardless of the inherent obstacles in their relationship.  (Jenny, thankfully, slips out the back, unseen.)  Chuck and Blair then embrace.  And if you listened real hard at that moment, you could hear the collective AWWWW heard round the world . . .

But back in HELL, SOMEONE is already plotting their revenge . . .

And despite all my bashing of her, I have to say, when Jenny was crying her heart out to Eric (love him!) because she lost her virginity to Chuck, I couldn’t help but feel just a teensy bit bad for her . . . even though she totally brought it on herself.  Maybe it was because she looked like such a Sad Clown, with those puffy eyes and that mascara running down her face . . .

To Eric’s credit, he DOESN’T tell Dan about Chuck and Jenny, but he DOES tell Dan that Jenny “needs help.”  Although we don’t get to see the exchange, we assume that Jenny admitted her indiscretion to Dan and Dan was MAD!

Meanwhile, Blair and Chuck are walking together, enjoying their re-coupledom, when Chuck pulls THIS out of his pocket . . .

Pretty right?  But am I the only one who thought it would be . . . BIGGER?  After all, this IS Chuck Bass we’re talking about.

“Will you . . .” Chuck begins . . . and then Dan appears out of nowhere and decks him!

And if that wasn’t bad enough, Sad Clown Jenny comes clomping in behind him. 

Blair takes one look at the situation and knows instantly what happened.  Unfortunately, Chuck cannot deny it.  He tries in vain to explain that he thought Blair had dumped him forever, and that’s why he did it.  But Blair doesn’t want to hear it.  And, frankly, as much as I love these two together, I can’t blame her.  She tells Jenny to leave the city or she will make her life miserable.  And Jenny complies!

Little J is purportedly heading down to live with her mother in Connecticut.  And I couldn’t help but think that, if the writers hadn’t made her character so gosh darn unlikeable (not to mention unstylish), this would have been the perfect opportunity to give Jenny that spinoff the show’s producers have always been talking about.  You know, the one based on that OTHER book series, written by the author of Gossip Girl, which just so happens to revolve around the Jenny Humphrey character – It Girl?

I think if they wanted to do it now, and have fans approve, they’d probably have to add an “SH” to the first word in the title . . . and the FCC just wouldn’t be down with that.

On Week Later

With Little J out of the way, the last few moments of the episode provide us with a glimpse of how our favorite Upper East Siders will be spending the summer . . .

Serena and Blair will be jetting off to Paris . . .

Super Sexy Nate ( admittedly, looking a bit less than sexy in his “farmer flannel” shirt from this episode) will be taking Chuck Bass’s place as the Upper East Side’s self-destructive and slutty bad boy, hooking up with random chicks, drinking hard, and not caring about anything or anyone.  Oooh! Mommy like!  I’ve been waiting for a “Nate’s Dark Side” storyline for awhile now . . . and it looks like I am about to get my wish!

Oh,  and Georgina came back . . .and she’s PREGNANT!

(And wearing Jenny’s weave from the looks of it.  I’m REALLY  hoping this isn’t a dye job.  For starters, it’s ugly.  For “finishers,” aren’t pregnant people not supposed to use hair dye?)

Anyway, guess who the dad is . . . Here’s a hint!

Baby’s First Text to Gossip Girl:  “I made a poopy diaper!”

I guess I don’t have to tell you what DAN will be doing this summer . . .

But it wasn’t until the final moments of the episode that the POO really hit the fan!  You see . . . Chuck . . .

 . . . was wandering drunkenly through a “bad” part of town (a.k.a. anything that isn’t the Upper East Side . . . or Upper West Side), when he gets mugged by some thugs.  At first, Chuck plays it smart, not fighting back, allowing them to take his wallet and watch.  But when they take the ring he bought for Blair, he suddenly finds himself overcome with emotion and begins to struggle.  Gun shots ring out, and suddenly the thugs are running away with the ring, while Chuck lies unconscious on the floor, blood seeping from a deep bullet wound in his stomach. 

And despite the fact that I can’t IMAGINE the writers would actually EVER kill off Chuck, unless they wanted the show to die right along with him, it was still an intensely emotional scene.  Well played Westwick!

All in all, it was a pretty exciting finale — a satisfying end to a mixed bag of a season — with much promise of better things to come in Season 4.  Thanks to all of you who have read my recaps, despite their length and high snarkiness quotient.  All joking and character bashing aside, I really do love this show.  I will definitely miss it this summer.  You can bet I will be spending plenty of time over at Chuck and Blair the Perfect Pair getting my GG fix, during those long hiatus months . . .

XOXO!