Ahhh, fairytales. You’ve gotta love them: the gorgeous scenery, the beautiful costumes, the eventual happy endings. But, of course, a fairytale just wouldn’t be a fairytale, without its memorable characters. Every fairytale must have its Princess . . .
. . . her loyal subjects . . .
. . . her Prince Charming . . .
. . . and an Evil Witch . . .
. . . who, unbeknownst to everybody, puts a spell on Prince Charming, which forces him to engage in sexual intercourse with an Evil Raccoon Zombie, who has been programmed to systematically destroy ALL HAPPY COUPLES, EVERYWHERE!
“No man is safe!”
And then, inevitably, there will come a time, when one of our soulmates will find himself (or herself) in Grave Danger . . .
Perhaps, he will suffer “amnesia,” as a result. Or, maybe, he remembers EVERYTHING . . . But he is just so ashamed of his previous dalliances with Evil Raccoons . . . that he simply wishes not to be found — even if not being found means losing his beautiful Princess, FOREVER.
And it is HERE, during this, our Darkest Hour, that we begin OUR story . . .
“I once was lost . . .”
This episode opens just as last week’s did, with Serena and Blair dining in an outdoor cafe in Paris.
Blair has GOOD NEWS to share with Serena! Apparently, Prince Louis Grimaldi wants to get inside the Waldorf pantalones SO MUCH, that he’s willing to completely forget the whole “Blair only wants to go out with him, because he is filthy rich” thing.
“What can I say? I have a soft spot for Upper East Side Pantalones!”
Meanwhile, Serena is trying to work through a MAJOR quandary. In just a few days, she will heading back to New York, where there will be not one, but TWO men vying for her affections. WHO will she choose? The Stud . . .
. . . or The Dud?
(or, as Blair calls him, The Donut . . .)
Image provided by pleasedrinkaknife.com
Clearly, this would be a tough decision for ANYONE (read: absolutely NO ONE) to make. That is why it is a good thing that “The Force” is with Serena . . .
And, HOW do we know that The Force is with Miss van der Woodsen, while she is making this decision? Well, because she’s wearing her Princess Leia’s Prisoner costume, of course!
Unfortunately, for Serena, she has little time to ponder her EPIC decision. Soon after Blair heads off to prepare for her superficial magical date, Serena gets a phone call from her mother.
The conversation goes something like this:
Mama VDW: A body washed up in Paris. The police think it belongs to Chuck Bass. Would you be a dear, and go identify it for me? I’d go myself. But I don’t like to leave Rufus alone in the penthouse. He has a habit of wearing my makeup, and trying on all my dresses in my absence . . .
Serena: That depends. Can I f*ck the body?
Miss VDW: No . . . remember what happened the LAST time?
Serena: Awwww! You never let me have ANY fun! *pouts* FINNNNNE! I’ll go!
So, off Serena gallops to the morgue . . .
There, she meets a guy who looks like Albert Einstein, back from the dead . . .
Reincarnated Einstein shows Serena Chuck’s wallet and passport, which she confirms did, in fact, belong to him. Serena then braces herself, as Reincarnated Einstein lifts the sheet off the deceased’s body. And it is . . .
Of course, considering we ALL saw him end the end of last week’s episode, we already knew that . . .
Wake me when we actually learn something . . .
As luck would have it though, Chuck IS under a sheet at that very moment, just not the one Serena’s peeking under. Instead, he’s cuddling in bed with a blonde!
“AHHHH! Oh no! Not her again! It’s a nightmare!”
Don’t worry, Chuck, it’s NOT Jenny this time!
“Phew! Wait . . . who is it then? Did Blair dye her hair blonde, and not tell me?”
Wrong, again Chuck. It’s THIS chick . . .
Apparently, Chuck . . . I’m sorry . . . “Henry Prince” has been shacking up with Eva in Prague, ever since she nursed him back to health from that fatal gunshot wound. Now, they have relocated to Paris, where Chuck Henry is set to begin work at Eva’s father’s restaurant. As Chuck Henry heads out into the street, his new trusty cane in hand, he is almost HIT BY A TAXI!
And I bet you will NEVER GUESS who’s in the TAXI?
OMG! It’s BLAIR!
Our two star-crossed lovebirds lock eyes for one beautiful moment.
Then, Blair instructs the driver to keep moving, and Chuck Henry limps off dejectedly into the sunset.
” . . . but now I’m found.”
Following her Morgue Trip, Serena returns to the home she is renting for the summer with Blair, to share with her Bestie all she has learned. “I was at the Morgue today,” Serena offers, conversationally.
“Is that like a Sex Club?” Blair inquires, showing us all just how well she knows her blonde friend.
“For me, yes. But my mom said I couldn’t screw Chuck’s corpse. She’s such a wet blanket! It’s a place where they keep dead bodies,” Serena explains.
Serena then explains how Chuck was presumed dead, but is now, apparently, alive and Missing in Action.
“Consider him found,” replies Blair, offering up for discussion her own Bass-sized encounter, from earlier in the day.
Serena is worried about Chuck, and wants Blair to help her locate him. Serena explains that there was blood on Chuck’s wallet, which may explain why he was limping and using a cane. Blair, however (who is clearly in DENIAL of her Luuuuuuve), refuses to help find Chuck. After all, she is about to head off on her boring magical date with Louis the Royal . . .
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ . . ..
. . . and nothing as insignificant as a ONCE IN A LIFETIME ROMANCE is going to stop her.
Serena quickly (and a little too conveniently) locates Chuck’s and Eva’s new digs, after talking to one of Eva’s relatives. (Yes, because that’s what my family members do ALL THE TIME: give my address out to random strangers dressed like Princess Leia. That’s not risky behavior at all.)
Serena knocks on the temporary lovebirds’ door. Chuck answers. He then tells Serena that “The man you are looking for is not here,” before SLAMMING THE DOOR IN HER FACE!
Not one to be deterred by rejection (or venereal diseases, or whether the object of her affection is still alive . . . or human), Serena remains outside Chuck’s apartment, like any good stalker would, and waits for him to re-emerge. Eventually, he does.
“Awww, man! You again? Why do they keep sticking me with the blondes, when all I really want is the BRUNETTE!”
“You, should have thought of THAT before you banged the Evil Zombie Raccoon, Bass-tard!”
Serena tries to convince Chuck to come home, where people care about him. She tells him that he should not hide from who he is. But HIDE is exactly what Chuck Henry Princetends to do. In fact, he is scheduled to pick up a fake passport with his new fake (and lame) name that very day. “There will be NO more Chuck Bass,” He explains matter-of-factly.
“I was blind . . .”
Once again, Blair is busy preparing for a date with her sweet but dull new Rebound Guy beau, Louis the Royal. This time, because it is really 1862, he’s invited her out to a BALL.
Really, Louis? Isn’t this your third date? Don’t most guys your age, take their girlfriends out to Mickey D’s for this one, so that they can get laid before SNL starts? Ummmm . . . Louis, it’s called “trying too hard” . . . and you’re doing it.
Once again, Serena comes by to BEG Blair to convince Chuck to ditch being a “Prince” and return to being his “Bass-tardy” self. But Blair is not about to let some Evil Queen . . .
. . . ruin her fairytale. She has no interest in speaking to Chuck.
Not wanting to be the Evil Queen (AGAIN), Serena decides to let Blair have her boring fun, and tells her not to worry about Chuck.
However, when Serena receives an envelope containing a deed to Chuck’s Empire hotel, she begins to become even more concerned about his welfare and state of mind. Serena leaves a phone message with Blair, again begging her to reconsider.
At Harry Winston, Blair, already clad in her evening gown, is picking out jewelry for the Ball, when she comes across a very special ring.
. . . and wouldn’t you know it, it just so happens to be the ring Chuck bought to propose to Blair — the one that he wouldn’t let go of, even after being held at gunpoint, even after being shot, and nearly bleeding to death!!!!!! It’s ring that, even though the muggers SHOT Chuck specifically to steal it, was miraculously returned to a Harry Winston store in a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT COUNTRY from where it was initially stolen, completely unscathed.
Clearly, this ring has special powers . . .
One ring to rule them all . . .
At the same time, Serena magically appears . . .
. . . along with the inspector, who just so happens to be investigating Chuck’s “disappearance.” As it turns out, the inspector JUST THIS MOMENT discovered that this STOLEN ring, which its thieves apparently tried to exchange for cash, at the SNOOTIEST, MOST EXPENSIVE, OFTEN FREQUENTED BY ROYALTY, jewelry store in Paris, once belonged to Chuck, and, by extension, ALMOST belonged to Blair.
“Chuck was shot?” Blair whispers, her voice breaking as she speaks, not believing the words that are coming out of her mouth.
Not only was Chuck SHOT, he was SHOT clinging tightly to what could have been Blair’s engagement ring. For Chuck, it was a final act of love, for a women he truly believed would never again love him in return.
(Now, even a snarky cynic like me, can’t joke about THAT! That’s the sweetest thing I have EVER heard.)
FINALLY, realizing all that he had sacrificed for her, Blair decides that she HAS to talk to Chuck, and convince him to come back home. If she doesn’t, she will surely spend the rest of her life regretting it.
” . . . but now I see.”
Off Blair rushes to the train station to catch Chuck before he disappears once again . . . this time, quite possibly for good. The two meet on a train platform overlooking the city. She is dressed like a Princess; He, like Pauper. The pair’s eyes meet, and the natural chemistry between them instantly electrifies the whole screen. Yes, Chuck and Blair fans! THIS is the moment we’ve been waiting all summer for!
“Just because you are poorly dressed, doesn’t mean you are not Chuck Bass,” offers Blair. (Leave it to Blair to talk fashion choices at a time like this . . .)
Blair then expresses hurt that Chuck never told her that he had been so badly hurt. Despite their problems, this was something she felt she would want to know. Chuck explains that when he woke up in the hospital, and realized that no one knew where he was, he decided that he no longer had to BE a man he now despised . . . Chuck Bass. Chuck wishes to change, to become a person someone could love.
“Someone did love you,” replies Blair, causing tears to well up in Chuck’s eyes.
“I destroyed the only thing I ever loved,” Chuck says morosely, leaning toward Blair, yet cautiously keeping his distance, fearing that if he gets any closer, he will completely break down.
Blair then calmly explains to Chuck that she doesn’t love him anymore . . .
. . . but that it would take more than him to destroy Blair Waldorf.
(Awww, see! They both like to talk about themselves in the third person! Anyone else would find that REALLY ANNOYING! Clearly, these two are made for one another.)
And, just in case, any of you cynics out there doubted for a SECOND that there was hope for these two crazy kids, yet, Blair confirms it with her final heartfelt statement: “It wouldn’t be My World, without you in it.”
Later, Chuck meets up with Eva, once again.
She is happy to see him. Having seen Blair, who she recognized running to the train station the other day, Eva became convinced that Chuck had left Eva to be with her (which he SHOULD have). Chuck promises Eva that this was not his intention.
As it turns out, Chuck wants to return to New York. Once there, he intends to become a better person than he once was. He would like Eva to come with him. She inquires whether he has already purchased tickets for them. “We don’t need tickets,” Chuck explains. “I’m Chuck Bass.”
LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, THE BASS HAS RE-ENTERED THE BUILDING!
Realizing that, like Chuck, SHE was also running away from her problems, by staying in Paris, Blair promptly dumps Louis the Boring Royal . . . but leaves him a smelly high heel to remember her by . . .
Just like Cinderella . . . only not.
Meanwhile, back in Psycho Stalker Land . . .
Virtual Stranger Juliet offers to be Nate’s “Life Coach,” after learning that Serena sent him a cryptic text message, saying that she, “Needs to talk to [him].”
Nate instantly takes Juliet up on her offer. Real smart, Nate! I know I always make it a habit to take life advice from people I know next to nothing about, who, despite having just met me, already have pictures of me plastered all over their bedroom wall . . .
Ummm, how exactly did Brilliant Nate get into Columbia? And don’t say nepotism, because his Dad just so happens to be a Lowlife Loser White Collar Crook . . .
As Nate’s Life Ruiner Coach, Juliet’s first instruction is that he eliminate all competition for Serena’s heart.
According to Juliet, this can be done by pushing the competition out a 13-story window getting said competition involved with another girl who is NOT Serena. Juliet mentions Dan’s name. However, Nate does not consider Dan competition. (Who would?)
Nevertheless, Juliet is determined to prove to Nate that Dan IS his competition, and therefore, must be DESTROYED! So, Juliet and Nate head to Dan’s place. Once there, Nate casually asks Dan, if he has heard from Serena. Dan says he hasn’t. Yet, when Dan leaves the room. Juliet nabs his cell phone, and, after doing a bit of snooping, promptly shows it to Nate. It says THIS:
“OMG, NATE,” says Juliet. “See what this says. Apparently, Serena sent a message to Dan about wanting to see HIM TOO! And even though it says the message is “NEW,” which usually means the person HASN’T READ IT YET, clearly, Dan has already read it. He just made it LOOK like it was still not read, to psych you out. He KNEW you would be checking his text messages, when he left the room. That sneaky bastard. Dan is TOTALLY out to steal your girl, Nate.”
Not typically one to “think for himself” (It gives him a headache.), the gorgeous, but mentally “special” Nate reluctantly agrees that Dan is, in fact, probably, trying to steal Serena from him.
“Oh, it’s ON . . .”
“Like Donkey Kong . . .”
After a few moments of brain-burning THOUGHT, Nate and Juliet come to realize that the only other person, aside from Serena, that would currently be willing to bang Papa Dan, is Vanessa . . .
So, like any good 13-year old girl, Juliet tells Vanessa that she heard that Nate said . . . that Dan said . . . that Dan . . . REALLY wants to bone Vanessa on a regular basis. Nate, who’s nonexistent short term memory has caused him to forget that HE was once IN LOVE with Vanessa, plays along. He agrees with Juliet that Vanessa should TOTALLY ride that Humping Humphrey Pony.
And so, ride it, Vanessa does . . .
The next day, Vanessa tells Dan how happy she is that Juliet passed her a note in gym class that said “Humping Humphrey has the Hots for Venereal Disease-Free Vanessa.” After all, if not for Juliet and Nate, Dan and Vanessa might not have gotten around to doing the horizontal mambo for a whole TWO MORE EPISODES. When Dan hears about his alleged “crush,” he makes this face . . .
FINALLY, figuring out that his so-called friend has played him like a fiddle, Dan texts Nate the following: “I know what you did last summer told Vanessa.”
Nate rushes over to his boyfriend’s house to explain his bad behavior. But while the two are discussing the REAL reason behind Nate’s underhandedness: Juliet’s Psychosis His and Dan’s mutual feelings for Serena, Vanessa overhears. Realizing that she will ALWAYS be the boys’ second choice, behind Serena (well . . . maybe THIRD CHOICE . . . behind Serena and Blair . . . or is it fourth choice? Behind Serena, Blair AND Evil Jenny . . . and what about Georgina . . .) Vanessa storms out in a huff.
Later, Dan decides that he DOES like Vanessa better than Serena, after all, for now. (Unlike S, who literally screwed everything that moved this summer, V is most likely VD free. So, at least, she has THAT going for her.) So, Dan apologizes to Vanessa, and the two become a couple again for the 865th time since Gossip Girl began.
By the time, Serena finally arrives back in NYC — ready to make her “Big Choice” between Dan and Nate –her two suitors are already otherwise occupied, or so she thinks. At the apartment, Serena finds Dan clutching Boring Vanessa’s hand, and Nate clutching Crazy Juliet’s hand. So, it looks like Serena will have to go back to screwing random men on the streets for a while . . .
It wouldn’t be the first time . . . and it probably won’t be the last.
After Serena goes off with her tail between her legs, looking for her next conquest, Nate asks Juliet out for real. Ummm, Nate, have you ever seen the movie Fatal Attraction? Because you might want to Netflix it before taking this chicky out . . . just saying.
A photograph of Juliet Sharp in about 20 years . . .
At the conclusion of the episode, we see Juliet staring up at her Wall of Weird . . .
From the Wall, she promptly removes all photos of Nate, Dan and Vanessa. In fact, she removes EVERY photo from the wall, except for Serena’s mugshot. On the phone, she tells someone unknown to the viewers: “I had to improvise a bit. But it’s done . . . Hang in there. I miss you.”
Ummmmm . . . OK . . . maybe NATE isn’t the one who has to worry about a Fatal Attraction. Hide your pet bunny, Serena!
Oh, and did I mention that apparent Blood EXPERT (and possible Vampire) Papa Rufus determined, based on the kid’s blood type, that Baby Milo most likely isn’t Dan’s (which 99.9% of us knew already)? No? Well . . . now I have.