A Case of the Munchies – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Five”

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Are your tummies growling, Fangbangers?  There was a whole lot of “messy eating” going on this week, on The Vampire Diaries. Vampires ate college coeds . . . vampire hunters ate hybrids” ears . . . The Original Family ate . . . chicken and vegetables?

I don’t know about you.  But I’ve personally been starving for some serious fang action, all week!

So, tie on a nice big bib, and polish that silverware, because it’s time to share a hearty meal with your favorite vampires in Mystic Falls . . .

Today’s Episode is brought to you by the letter “H” (for Hot Sweaty Shirtless Men) and, of course, the number “five”

I’m willing to bet that a lot more moms would watch Sesame Street with their kids, if the show taught tots how to count, this way.  Kudos, Julie Plec and Co.  This scene is Male Objectification in its purest form.  And it is, in a word, AWESOME!

The episode begins, way back in 1110 A.D.  Some old witchy lady with Crazy Witchy Lady Hair is hanging out in the BadThingsAlwaysHappenHere! Forest with what appear to be five strippers from some Game of Thrones-themed Male Review.

Is that a Storm of Swords in your pocket, or are you just happy to be on TVD?

The half naked men form a circle around her, and stare blankly into space, while she holds a fiery cauldron triumphantly above her head, like it’s Baby Simba at the beginning of the Lion King.  She’s even chanting gibberish, like they do at the beginning of that movie!

“NAAAAAAH SVENYAHHHH MAMAGICHI WAWAHHHHHHH!”

Then, Witchy Lady lowers the cauldron and the fire branches out to the five men, who, from VERY far away (1) look like they are EXTREMELY hung; and (2) appear to be pissing out flames.  I bet they can’t do that on Game of Thrones!

This gives a whole new meaning to the term “fire crotch.”

But the fun is far from over!  Next up, everyone gets their Magical Tattoos!

“Duuuuude!  That hurt even less than that time on my 18th birthday, when I drank an entire bottle of tequila, and woke up with my ex-girlfriend’s name tattooed on my Fire Crotch!”

Meanwhile, back in the present day . . .

Deny, Deny, Deny . . .

 De-Nile may very well be a river in Egypt, but it’s also got a pretty steady current running through Mystic Falls.  We see plenty of denial going on around town, during the first few minutes of the episode.  Damon still actually thinks Connor is dead . . .

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This is despite the reality of Damon never actually having seen the vampire hunter’s corpse.  Not to mention the well-known fact that the gods of Mystic Falls would never, EVER, allow a hot male villain, like Connor, to croak, without getting him to take his shirt off at least once.

Also in denial?  Stefan.  He thinks he’s “totally over” Damon’s and Elena’s little hand-suck blood exchange, a couple weeks back.

Yeah, this guy?  He’s not jealous of his brother at all!  No sir!  Not a bit!

Speaking of denial . . . sure Elena, Stefan has nothing to worry about.  Just because you are going to an all-night frat party with Damon, doesn’t mean that you are going to spend the entire night dry humping him on the dance floor, and/or sucking on his fingers.  You’re DEFINITELY going to be 100% faithful to Stefan . . . He’s your “boo,” after all, isn’t he?

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Oh, and might I add, that “convenient” explanation as to why Elena could ONLY learn how to feed from that sexy studmuffin / awesome kisser Damon, and not from Caroline, because she’s “too good” at controlling her vampire urges?

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That’s a TOTAL crock of dog poo!  Need we all be reminded of an incident, back in Season 2, that I like to lovingly refer to as “Carter-gate?”

So much self control!  She even managed to brush her hair out of her eyes, before snapping his neck with her teeth.  Honestly, I don’t know how she does it!

Still more stops on the Denial Train.  Next we have Beks, who is stalking Matt Donovan at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.  She mistakenly believes she can still get into his pants, despite the whole, “sending his car over the Wickory Bridge” thing.

I think it drowned, Matt  . . . along with your dignity.

Desperate for redemption (and nookie), Rebekah even goes so far as to buy Matt . . . wait for it . . . A BRAND NEW CAR!

OMG!  Rebekah Michaelson is like Richard Gere, and Matt Donovan is her Pretty Woman . . .   Except, money can’t buy Matt’s love!  He’s keeping the car, but he still won’t kiss Rebekah on the mouth . . . too personal.

Heck, I’d kiss Rebekah on the mouth for a new car.  And I don’t even roll that way.  Go figure . . .

Don’t you just hate it when your family members are around to see you strike out with the opposite sex?  Poor Rebekah!  Klaus is sitting at the bar, ready and waiting with a “He’s just not that into you,” speech.

“You had to start with a car?  You couldn’t have gone with something less expensive?  Like a lottery ticket?  Or a lollipop?“

Klaus knows that Rebekah is still pissed at him for, you know, not appreciating her, and stuff.  But he still has information for her about “The Five.”  Rebekah pretends she doesn’t care.  But we all know she TOTALLY does . . .

“What can I say?  I wear my heart on my sleeve . . . no, I mean literally on my sleeve, like a big fat bloody cufflink.

Hot for Teacher, Not for Frat Boy

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Did you know that, before she was “That Old Lady Who Died Twice on The Vampire Diaries,” Bonnie’s grams was a college professor, who specialized in the occult?

Well, now you do!

What a convenient way to get Bonnie, Elena and Damon to road trip to “college,” while, at the same time, introducing a new fairly attractive, Alaric Saltzman 2.0 type, who may or may not end up being a villain and/or a witchy new love interest for Bonnie . . .  Anywhoo, he lectures about witches, and blah, blah, blah . . .

 Meanwhile Damon instructs Elena on the best, and worst types of people to feed off of . . .

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I assumed Damon would advocate eating fat people (MORE MEATY!).  But, instead, he instructed Elena to suck on airheads and the self-absorbed. (LESS CALORIES?)

(Fun Fact: Nerdy girls are bad meals, because, apparently, they are instinctively mistrustful of people who are nice to them.  So, at this point, I’d like to say, to all my fellow nerd girls out there, HOLLA!)

While Bonnie wanders off to have some more boring conversation with Professor Boo Radley, or whatever, Damon coaches Elena through her first feed.

Things start off well enough.  But then Self-Absorbed!Girl inadvertently shows Elena a picture of her baby sister, and Elena FREAKS OUT!  (Honestly, I think the emotional impact of the failed “tasting,” would have been more effective, if the little girl was Miss Would-Be Blood Bag’s daughter.  Now, that would have been poignant.  But baby sister?  Meh!)

No worries!  Damon’s got a better idea!  He decides to take Elena to a frat party.  You know, because everyone who goes to frat parties MUST, by definition, be a terrible person, worthy of bloody neck hickies.  Also, no one who goes to frat parties has a baby sister . . .

Once again, out of convenience, the frat party in question, has a death theme.  (You’ll learn why that’s convenient in a bit.)  Also, out of convenience, Hot Professor Boo Radley just so happens to be attending the party.  Because, lord knows, underage kids throwing kegger parties just LOOOVE to invite late 30-something looking teacher types to witness their debauchery and misdemeanors . . .

“I thought she was 18 . .  . I mean . . . I thought she was 21 . . . I mean . . . Someone put something in my drink?”

In what I can only assume was an “inside joke,” Damon arrives at the party dressed as Jack the Ripper, with Elena and Bonnie traveling in tow, as his “victims.”  (Take THAT, Ripper Stefan!)

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Elena finds a  frat boy, who, by roofie-ing a girl’s drink in plain view, renders himself just douchebaggy enough that Elena can feed off of him, without offending her “personal moral code.”  (Also, we can all assume he’s an only child.  Or, if not, an only child, at least doesn’t carry around a cute picture of his sibling on his cell phone.)

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Elena munches heartily, and immediately becomes swept up in the euphoria of Vampire’s First Feeding Frenzy.  “I want more,” she whispers seductively in Damon’s ear . . .

So, does he, Elena . . . So does he . . .

Eventually, Elena’s whole Dexter the Vampire rationale of “I only eat BAAADDDD PEOPLE,” goes right out the window.  We see her later chomping on an innocent looking chica, who most definitely had an iPhone filled with adorable siblings.  No matter!  Elena was having much to much fun, to concern herself with petty details like morality.

And we all know what Elena does, whenever she’s having fun, right?  You guessed it!  It’s DelenaDANCESEX time!

I know a lot of people had mixed opinions about this scene.  But I, for one, absolutely adored it.  I loved how messy it was . . . how Damon and Elena were more drunkenly swaying than actually dancing.  I loved how sweaty they were, how mussed both of their hair was, how their eyes looked bleary, glassy, and heavy lidded.

I even loved the ridiculousness of the fact that neither of them thought to wipe off the nasty-ass blood dripping from their mouths onto their shirts, despite the fact that, no matter how drunk people were at this party, surely SOMEONE would have noticed that.

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Believe it or not, I think the sloppiness of the scene gave it an added sense of realism.  If submitting to blood lust is a metaphor for being really drunk, or really high on drugs like ecstasy or heroine, it makes sense that the blood lusters would look and act like inebriated people.  People who were truly living in the moment . . . not thinking, just feeling, and enjoying life . . . not caring what other onlookers might think of them.

Then, of course Cock Block Extraordinaire Bonnie has to pop by, in order to give Elena THAT LOOK . . . You know the one.  It’s that all-too-familiar Judgy Bonnie look . . . the one that never fails to bring Elena right back to her boring self . . . which, of course, is Bonnie’s most impressive Super Power . . . MESMERIZING DULLNESS . . .

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Judge not, lest Bonnie ALWAYS judges . . .

Elena scampers off in tears.  She wants to go home, dammit!  Damon, understandably, is a bit “miffed” by it all . . .

Try not to take it too personally, Damon.  I think Elena’s just feeling guilty about chowing down on too many douchebag blood carbs.  Now, she’ll NEVER be able to fit into that Miss Mystic Falls Gown!

Back home, and hanging out on Elena’s front porch, Elena and Damon engage in another version of what is basically the exact same conversation they have with one another every few episodes.  And it basically boils down to this:  Damon is a BAD BOY.  Elena wants to be a GOOD GIRL.  She’s afraid that if she keeps hanging out with Damon, she will have wild, crazy, amazing vampire sex with him, and never ever want to stop . . . also become a BAD GIRL.  So, she has to stay with Stefan, because he’s . . . you know . . . “good” and stuff at least, when he’s not murdering thousands of people across the Eastern Seaboard.

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Stefan pops up on the porch, before things between Damon and Elena can get more heated (Geez, he and Bonnie make a great pair. TEAM COCKBLOCK!)  Cue Elena b*tching and whining about how AWFUL it was drinking that SCARY blood from those SCARY college coeds’ necks.  Oh, how she wishes she could have been home eating bunnies with Stefan . . . or knitting socks, or whatever it is “good” vampires are supposed to do on Friday nights . . .

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Little does she know that Stefan has spent his day plotting and scheming with the baddest vampire around . . . his Secret Boyfriend Klaus . . .

50 Shades of Connor Jordan

My that Klaus!  He really is a kinky bastard, isn’t he?  I mean, I totally get why he needed to chain up the Big Bad Vampire Hunter, who is undoubtedly the key to his Next Big Plan!  But putting him up against the wall, spread-eagled, half-naked, and, probably under a heat lamp (because no one sweats that much inside an air-conditioned home in the middle of Fall)?  Come on, that was obviously an exhibition of Klaus’ S&M fantasies come true.  (Watch out Caroline . . . and Stefan.  Because you are both soooo next!

Speaking of kinky, another one of my favorite scenes this week was the one where one of Klaus’ nameless soon-to-be-dead hybrids comes to “tighten up” Connor’s S&M chains, and the vampire hunter ends up BITING OFF A RATHER LARGE CHUNK OF HIS EAR!

Seriously!  I was not expecting that!

Cooler still?  Connor actually had a logical reason for doing this, one that much more complex than a simple “I was hungry,” or “Hybrid ears taste like chicken.”

Nope . . . Connor bit Random Hybrid’s ear to STEAL HIS EARRING, AND USE IT TO UNLOCK HIS CHAINS!  POSITIVELY GENIUS!

Smoke em if you’ve got em SUCKAS!

[Random sidenote:  When I was a little kid, I used to drink a lot of Shirley Temples at parties.  And if you’ve ever had a Shirley Temple, you know they come with a cherry garnish.  Anyway, rumor has it that if you can  tie a cherry stem into a knot with your tongue alone, that means you are a good kisser, and . . . if not . . . well . . .

Unfortunately, it’s something I’ve never been able to manage.  Take from that what you will.  All I can say is, given how tongue and teeth challenged I apparently am, I can 100% appreciate Connor Jordan’s ORAL PROWESS.  It also makes me really want to make out with him . . . like . . . a lot.]

“And I’m too sexy for your ear .  . . too sexy for your ear, too sexy, my dear!”

We’ll get back to Connor, and his teeth, in just a moment.  But for now, let’s get back to Kinky Klaus and Studly Stefan, shall we?

It’s Time for Another Round of Ye Old Important Flashbacks . . .

Ever since Stefan showed up on his doorstep, sniffing around for information about The Five, Klaus has been hitting on him, in a major way.  He’s definitely putting out all the stops . . . inviting him into his home, flattering him, invading his personal space, batting his puppy dog eyes.  As I’ve been genuinely missing these two’s weekly game of Hide the Salami for quite some time (Ahhh . . . memories of Early Season 3), it was nice to see it again this week.

Klaus’ rationale for hitting on Stefan (aside from the obvious, of course) is that he wants Stefan to convince Rebekah to tell them  both what she knows about The Five.  Through the use of flashbacks (and lots of goofy lion’s mane wigs), we learn that Rebekah used to occasionally hump one of these mystical FIVE, back in the day.  And that he, may or may not, have pillow-talked all his dirty secrets to the Original Vamp.

“I’ll show you my fangs, if you show me your fire crotch.”

Stefan is initially immune to Klaus’ charms,  until Klaus evokes the magical spell that never fails to make Stefan puddy in his hands.  Just in case you ever happen to run into Stefan, and want him to become your sex slave, I’d be more than happy to share the words of this spell with you.  Here it is: “DO IT FOR ELENA.”

Yes, once again, Klaus has made Stefan his loyal puppy dog, by evoking the Elena Clause in their Occasional F*ck Buddy Contract.  Stefan pops by the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, where Rebekah apparently still hasn’t moved, since being rejected by Matt there hours ago.  Maybe she’s under the “DO IT FOR ELENA” spell too . . .  Stefan somehow convinces Rebekah to temporarily play nice with her brother.  And eventually the three end up making plans for dinner.

(By the way, remember when Rebekah and Stefan used to be in loooooove with one another?  Because, sometimes, I feel like the writers don’t remember it at all . . .)

The Scene that Will Inevitably Spawn 1,000 Jeremy/Connor Slash Fanfics

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Meanwhile, back at the Hybrid House of Horrors, Klaus, remembering that a couple of weeks ago, Jeremy went from being “Elena’s Little Brother – That Kid Who Sees Dead People” to “Elena’s Little Brother – That Kid Who Sees Dead Ancient Invisible Ink Tattoos,” kidnaps  invites Mini Gilbert over for an impromptu art session, whereby Jeremy will draw the tatts from Connor’s Hot Glistening Body.  (Mental Note:  Time to sign up for one of those art classes, where you sit for an hour each week, and draw naked people.  It’s suddenly sounding like a great idea!)

“Just let your Inner Goddess fly free!”

Connor is a little pouty with Jeremy.  Because he thought the two of them were TATT BROTHERS, and now, here Jeremy is “drawing for the Enemy.”  To this valid accusation, Jeremy responds, more or less . . . wait for it . . . “I’M DOING IT FOR ELENA.”

“Oh, well, if you are DOING IT FOR ELENA, than I forgive you,” replies Connor.  (Just kidding . . . sort of.)

Connor explains to Jeremy that his ability to see the tattoo marks him as a “potential” SUPER Vampire Hunter (which sounds very Buffy the Vampire Slayer-y to me).  He also explains how his tattoos grow each time he murders another vampire.  Well, that sure is cost-efficient.  Tattoos can be expensive!

What we eventually learn is that, as bad ass a vampire hunter as Connor might be, he’s apparently not bad ass enough to have a complete Vampire-Killing Arm Tattoo.  Klaus examines Jeremy’s drawing and finds it to be woefully incomplete . . . FOR NOW . . .

Ye Olde Flashbacks 2: Electric Boogaloo

A little while later, Klaus, Stefan and Rebekah sit down for one of their deliciously dysfunctional family dinners.  I always love it when Klaus caters a meal on this show.  He always puts about ten fancy courses of food on the table, and then NOBODY EVER EATS!

That’s got to really dust his doilies, don’t you think?  Maybe he should start spiking the dishes with Soccer Mom blood.  Then, at least, he wouldn’t have so many leftovers . . .

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Fake dinner seems like a great opportunity for another flashback.  And, so, we get one, in short order.  Just as Klaus suspected, Rebekah’s lover, Vampire Hunter Alex was quite the Chatty Kathy during sex.

“Check it out.  This sword and these tattoos together form a road map to my weiner . . . you know, just in case you can’t find it on your own.”

In a state of presumed post-coital bliss, Alex reveals, both to Rebekah, and to us, that the Five have a weapon that will surely wipe all vampires off the face of the Earth . . .A CURE TO VAMPIRISM . . .

Yeah, yeah . . . I think we all pretty much knew that was coming . . .

What does surprise me about this plot point, though, is how long this supposed vampire cure has purportedly been around.  You would think, for example, that Witchy Mama Esther or even Evil Vampire Eater Mikael would have heard about it, and at least tried to find it, before resorting to attempting to murder their own children . . . Just a thought . . .

Poor Rebekah!  She’s starting to rival Elijah and Alaric as Most Murdered Character on TVD!  Not long after Alex spills the beans to her about the Vampire Cure, he stabs her with a white oak stake, along with the rest of her siblings.  Rat BASTARD!

“Dear sister, I thought your room could use a bit of sprucing up.  How do you like your new wall decor?“

Fortunately for us, Klaus is immune to White Oak Stakedom, and takes this opportunity to murder Alex and one of his FIVE-Y friends, conveniently leaving the other three alive to spawn Connor Jordan, Mini Gilbert, and whatever other sexy male guest stars TVD chooses to introduce in the near future.

Vampire Hunter Nick Miller, anyone?

But wait a minute.  If Klaus already knew all this crud about The Five, why is he bothering Poor Rebekah with bad memories of yet another lover her used her and discarded her like trash?

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A-ha!  See, this is where things get sort of interesting.  Apparently, those crazy tattoos Connor has on his body are a map to the Vampire Cure.  And the key to reading that map is on the sword of each of the Original Five.  Klaus (rightfully) as it turns out, assumes that Rebekah knows where that sword is.  Once found, that sword, combined with Jeremy’s drawing, will enable Klaus to locate the cure, give it to Elena, and then continue to use her as a bloodbag for the creation of new hybrids.

Nifty plan, right?  Except, Rebekah’s not budging with the information, no matter how many threats or insults Klaus hurls her way . . .

Hey Klaus, haven’t you ever heard the saying you catch more vampire siblings with honey?  Wait . . . that’s not how it goes.

Rebekah storms off in huff, but Klaus seems unmoved.  As it turns out, this was precisely his plan.  You see, Klaus wanted to put Rebekah in an emotional enough state to reveal the location of the secret sword to STEFAN.  And why again would Stefan want to help Klaus?  Repeat after me, everyone, “HE’S DOING IT FOR ELENA.”

That’s right.  Because if Elena can be made human again, she can revert back to the sweet docile kittenish girl Stefan always loved, cherished and worshipped, as opposed to the naughty keg standing, motorcycle riding, doucheboy drinking, Damon sucking soon-to-be Damon screwing, pencil flinging vampire girl she has become . . .

This recap has become long enough as it is, so I’m not going to bore you with the details.  Long story short, Stefan cleverly manipulates the vulnerable Rebekah’s romantic side into revealing that she buried Alex’s sword, along with his corpse, in the church where the couple was to be married . . . you know, before he stabbed her in the chest, and her brother cut out his heart . . . otherwise known as The Good Old Days.

Klaus is conveniently around to hear this information, and, for reasons I don’t quite understand, decides to stake Rebekah again, upon receiving it.

“Trust me, this hurts me way more than it is hurting you.”

“Somehow, I doubt that . . .“

Seriously, dude?  AGAIN!  Klaus, you have to find better ways to express your emotions than staking your siblings every time they piss you off.  You’re becoming like that kid in the Twilight Zone movies, who keeps sending everyone in his family to the Evil Cornfield every time they don’t give him candy, or enforce his bedtime.  It’s time to get another outlet for your anger.  Might I suggest the batting cages, or S&M sessions with Connor and Jeremy . . .

Speaking of people you secretly want to have sex with, Klaus.  Could you explain to me why you felt the need to keep this whole “sword / tattoo” map thing a BIG Secret between you and Stefan?  Is it because you think it will make it easier to get into his pants, while you two are spending hours alone scheming with one another behind closed bedroom doors?  Don’t you think Damon the Scooby Gang could you help you find it faster, than just the two of you working alone?

Just saying . . .

So many headless hybrids, so little time . . .

And so our Big Bad Sexy Shirtless Scoundrel Connor uses that trusty earring to break free from Klaus’ Den of Rough Sex, just as we knew he would.  But geez, did he HAVE to decapitate ANOTHER one of Klaus’ precious hybrids.  You would think these guys are human PEZ Dispensers, given how easily their heads pop off at the slightest touch . . .

Connor Jordan . . . gives good head.

Connor’s action, of course, has the added benefit of conveniently finishing off his Vampire Hunter tattoo.  I wonder how many bloodsuckers he had to do in, to earn all those stripes . . . I wonder if you get more “points” for killing hybrids . . . so many questions. . . .

In the final scene, we see a pissed off Connor whining to his leader.  “Why did you send me to this PLACE, where all anybody ever does is have flashbacks, and sit around and talk about how they are ‘DOING IT FOR ELENA?”

WAH, WAH, WAH . . . cry me a bloody river, Connor.  But in all honesty, I’d be interested in knowing the answer to this question too.  What say you, Connor’s Exalted Leader. .  . Professor Boo Radley?

Next week, on The Vampire Diaries . . .

See you then, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Hey Ian! How’s it Hanging? – A Recap of the Pretty Little Liars’ Season Finale “For Whom the Bell Tolls”

 

When a television show ends with someone being shot, or blown up, recappers typically describe it as “ending with a bang.”  Well . . . this episode of PLL ended with a hang . . .

Ummm . . . nice scarf?

Wildly inappropriate corpse jokes aside, Pretty Little Liars’ season one finale definitely did not disappoint, this week.  In fact, the entire hour was jam-packed with twists and turns, unusual (and, sometimes,  downright icky) alliances, oodles of OMG moments, and, of course, plenty of “A.”  (Though, admittedly, all these supposedly “SCAAAAARY” text messages are getting a bit . . . how do I put this kindly . . . LAME!)

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OK . . .  maybe that was putting it less than kindly.

So, what are we waiting for, my Pretties?  Let’s get that bell tolling!

Video Killed the Blind Incestuous Porn Star

Hanna:  “Wait to go, Tobster!  Look who’s rocking the ABDOMINALS!”

Spencer:  “Shut up!  He’s mine!  You already have three love interests!”

Hanna:  “Come on!  I only have TWO!  Everyone knows that Weiner head Sean doesn’t count!”

The finale episode begins precisely where we left off last week.  The PLL girls are huddled together in bed (kinky!) watching the disturbing videos captured on the flash drive that Dead Ali stored away in her Tweety Bird lunchbox, before she died.  In addition to some SUPER CREEPY images of the PLL girls, as tweens, unknowingly dancing in front of the camera in their underwear, the flash drive also includes some EVEN CREEPIER footage of a not-yet-blind Jenna seducing a not particularly willing (though not as entirely unwilling as I would have liked) Abs Toby .  . .

And YES, he was shirtless in the video . . . (Can I get a HELL YEAH!)

In the video, Jenna is heard blatantly threatening Toby that if he doesn’t let her . . . “play with his flute” . . . she will tell their parents that he “forced himself on her.” 

“Wow!  I’ve never seen such a big . . . flute.”

By the way, if you were Jenna, and you were trying to SECRETLY SCREW YOUR BROTHER, would you REALLY do it in front of a WINDOW, so that anyone who happened to be wandering by with a VIDEO CAMERA could SEE? —  Incestuous Sociopath FAIL! 

*sings*  “I once was lost, but now I’m found.  I was blind, but now I . . . nope . . . still blind.”

(Interestingly enough, the video appeared to have been taken through a window, and yet the sound quality was PERFECT.  So, I’m guessing the house was bugged?)

Disgusted by the sight of her new boyfriend macking it with his nasty ass sister, Spencer insists that the girls stop watching the videos.  In hindsight, this was probably a mistake.  After all, based on later scenes in the episode, it appears that more Rosewood Residents may have been featured in these videos, aside from the PLL girls, Ali, Toby and Jenna.  Like, this GUY, perhaps?

“Oh no!  If they watch the rest of the videos on the drive, they might find out I was in that Hillary Duff movie!”

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As far as the PLL girls are concerned, Ian “I Like to Make Out with Girls Who Still Wear Training Bras” Thomas seems to be the most likely videographer of this Kiddie Porn DuJour.  And, since Blind Jenna obviously knew about the flash drive and its contents (After all, she hired Man Whore Caleb to steal it for her.), they figure that Little Miss Brother F*&ker might be willing to share information with them that will incriminate Ian in Ali’s death. 

But what if Blind Jenna is “A”?  Are the girls walking into a trap? 

Fitzy spells trouble J-A-C-K-I-E

This week, the role of Ezria Cock Block will be played by Jackie Molina . . .

Things actually seem to be going pretty well for Aria when the episode begins aside from her being stalked by a sadistic stalker psycho killer.  Admittedly, we were all a bit worried for Aria and Fitzy, when Police Boy Garrett knocked on the English teacher’s door last week, asking questions about “one of his students.”  And we became even MORE concerned, when SOMEONE stole the VERY POORLY HIDDEN hide-a-key from underneath Fitzy’s Welcome Mat, and broke into his home. 

Yet, when Fitzy meets Aria at the school, to tell her what went down, we learn that Police Boy Garrett didn’t ask any incriminating or even vaguely interesting questions at all!  (Gotta love Rosewood’s Finest, and their top notch investigating skills!) 

But WAIT!  There’s more!  Fitzy, apparently, just got a job working at the local college . . . which means that he’s NOT going to teach at Aria’s high school anymore . . . which means that Aria and Ezra can feel free to date in public, without fear of persecution (except for, you know, the whole STATUTORY RAPE thing).!

What’s more?  Aria’s dad, who also works at the local college, and REALLY wants to get into Fitzy’s pants is holding a Faculty Mixer at the Montgomery Household that evening as an excuse to get into Fitzy’s pants.  So, since Fitzy is now officially FACULTY at the local college, he gets to go to Aria’s house and .  . . visit her bedroom.

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And we all KNOW what happens when boys get into girls’ bedrooms!  (Right, Abs Toby?)

But then, things go south at the Faculty Mixer, when SHE shows up there . . .

Uh Oh!

It turns out that Jackie, the long-ago ex-fiance from far, far away, is not-so “long-ago,” nor is she so “far away.”  In fact, she TEACHES at the college too! 

To make matters worse, Fitzy has been with Jackie as recently as last year, back when she was a T.A. at the same college where the pair will now both be teaching. 

(I hope you are wearing a bulletproof vest, Fitzy!  Because you are NOT exactly Aria’s favorite person right now . . .)

But, hey!  At least you got inside her bedroom!  That’s gotta count for something, right?

In other BAD news . . .

None of my Exes Live in Texas .  . .

Emily’s mom wants her and Emily to move to Texas, where Emily’s father will be stationed for a year.  Poor Emily!  What will happen to her 85,000 girlfriends in Rosewood?

And what exactly is the Gay Scene like in Texas?  Will Emily have to change her “look,” in order to fit in there?

 

Tune in next season when we will, of course, learn that she is not actually moving, as she is one of the four MAIN characters of the show to find out!

In other news . . .

Marry me, Lucas!

LUCAS IS BACK!

And he’s wasting no time reminding us why we fell in love with him in the first place.  When we first see Lucas, after a WAY TOO LONG HIATUS, he’s still giving Hanna the cold shoulder, as a result of her highly UNFORTUNATE rejection of him at the “I Didn’t Have to Get My Spleen Removed, Even Though I Was Ran Over by a Car” Party that Mona threw for her a few episodes back  .  . .

Yes, Lucas looks like a beaver died on his head, in this picture.  But we are going to forgive him for that, since he is SO INCREDIBLY AWESOME.

Even though Lucas was deeply hurt by Hanna, he CLEARLY is still watching out for her.  After overhearing Annoying Ass Mona lie through her teeth about the letter she was SUPPOSED to give to Hanna from Caleb, in which the Hot Man Whore professed his love for her  . . .

Do, a little dumpster diving, Hanna!  You might still be able to find it!

 . . . Lucas THEN overhears Mona using Hanna’s PHONE to talk to Caleb.  Mona actually has the GALL to tell the Poor Slutty Bastard that HANNA ripped up his love letter to her, when we all know that it was MONA who did the not particularly effective ripping.  When Lucas confronts Mona about this, she offers to help Lucas win Hanna’s heart, if he agrees to keep quiet about what he knows.

Well, THIS turn of events was kind of a head-scratcher for me.  After last week, I was under the assumption that Mona didn’t want Hanna coupled with Caleb, because she wanted Hanna to stay single, like her.  So, why, suddenly, would Mona prefer that Hanna date LUCAS, as opposed to Caleb?  After all,  just a few weeks back, Mona seemed determined that Hanna DITCH Lucas, in favor of Boring Ass Sean?

HUH?

I’ve actually got three possible theories regarding the above conundrum:  (1)  Mona is a WAY better friend than us PLL fans give her credit for.  And, as a GOOD friend, Mona recognizes that Lucas will be a better boyfriend to Hanna than Caleb. (2) Self-absorbed Mona wants to be Queen Bee at Rosewood, and she figures she will have a WAY better chance of doing so, if her biggest competition ,is dating a so-called”loser” than if he is dating the schoolest Hottest Homeless Bad Boy.  And finally (3) Mona doesn’t have any intention of helping Lucas win Hanna’s heart.  She just wants to keep Lucas’ mouth shut, and will say whatever she has to say, in order to accomplish this.

“I’m glad she only came up with three possibilities.  Because I can’t count any higher than that.”

Whatever Mona’s intentions are, Lucas doesn’t give a RATS ASS about her shady offer to play matchmaker between him and Hanna.  He proves this by tracking down Caleb (in Arizona?) and bringing him back to Rosewood.

“Why are you doing this for me?”  Caleb asks incredulously, as the two men, who are both CLEARLY in love with the same woman, ride back to town with absolutely NOTHING interesting to say to one another.

“Because I am about twenty times more awesome than you will ever be.”  “Because Hanna deserves to be happy,” Lucas replies solemnly.

(*Sigh!*  Please put this recap on pause, while I retrieve my panties from the floor . . .)

OK . . . I’m back!  Little do these newfound bromantic buddies know that, at the same time they are both gearing up for a Caleb / Hanna reunion . . .

. . .  Hanna is deleting the Man Whore’s number from her cell phone.  Oops!

You know, it might be a good thing, that most of our PLL girls have (at least temporarily) left their respective love interests in the dust this week.  After all, they’ve got ENOUGH to worry about, without having to cope with Boy Drama . . .

The Flute Player Gets Played (In more ways than ONE!)

Creepy Kiddie Porn Flash Drive in hand, the PLL girls confront Jenna at school, about how the latter made her bedroom into her very own City of Brotherly Love.  The PLL girls want answers from Jenna.  They think they are  entitled to them.  They want the TRUTH!

Source

As Little Miss Brother F*&ker shares what she knows with the PLL’s, we are treated to a Blind Jenna Flashback for the first time EVER, since the beginning of the series . . .

(Did anyone else think it was weird that Jenna was already wearing her “Blind Person Glasses,” back when she was first put in the hospital, following her Little Firecracker Accident?  Wouldn’t her eyes be bandaged?  Her face burned and bruised?  I mean, those are DESIGNER GLASSES she’s wearing!  Please, tell me what hospital gives THOSE out for free.  Because I’m getting admittted!)

So, Ali comes to visit Blind Jenna at the hospital, following her trip to “Georgia.”  She then promptly presents the Freaky Flute Player with the same video we saw  earlier, of Jenna threatening, and subsequently making monkey with, Abs Toby.  “The guy I like likes to make movies.  I thought they were just about me.  As it turns out, the Boy Next Door, likes watching ALL the Girls Next Door,”  Ali monologues unnaturally, as if she is villain in a Batman Comic Book (The Riddler, perhaps?).

 Now, of course, Jenna can’t SEE the video.  But I’m assuming, she figures out what was going on in it based on the extremely poorly written dialogue what is being said. 

“Really Jenna?  You ACTUALLY said, ‘It will be so easy to make my parents think you forced yourself on me?’   Ever hear of a little thing called subtlety?  I mean, seriously, I know comic book villains that have a better way with words than you do, and I am one of them.”

Caught between a rock and an incestuous place, Jenna is forced to make a deal with Ali.  Ali will make sure the incriminating flash drive never sees the light of day.  And, in return, Jenna will leave Rosewood FOREVER!  (Aha!  So, now we know why Jenna RETURNED to Rosewood for Ali’s funeral! Little did Ali know that their little agreement had an, easy out, Death Clause . . .)

After her confrontation with the PLL’s, Blind Jenna makes two phone calls . . .

“Can you hear me now?  GOOD!”

The first call is to Creepy Pedo Ian.  Upon hearing that the girls found the flash drive (which presumably includes videos he took), Creepy Pedo promises to “take care of it.”

“Hey, by the way, do you happen to have any 13-year old friends who are single?  I’m looking to mingle!”

But it’s Jenna’s SECOND call that’s the MOST disturbing.  Remember when I mentioned earlier that SOMEONE ELSE may have also been featured in Ian’s “home movies?”  Well, that UNSEEN porn star, arrives at Jenna’s house.  Jenna complains to him that this video is going to ruin all of their lives.  But HE promises her that he won’t let that happen.  Then HE takes off her glasses, and THIS happens . . .

Oh no, Police Boy GARRETT!  Not YOU TOO!  Man, are their ANY boys on this show who actually like girls their own age?

I stand corrected!

Nice Knowing Ya, Ian!  (But, not really . . .)

“Now that I’m dead, I wonder if I can get a better deal on a cell phone plan . . .”

So, Melissa and Ian are planning to have their yet-to-be-born baby baptized at the local church.  But Spencer is concerned that this might be a bit premature, since the baby might not be  . . . entirely human.

Awww!  He looks just like his dad!

Meanwhile, Spencer and the gang attempt to procure a confession from Ian about making the videos contained on the flash drive.  They do this, by sending Ian a text from a blocked cell phone number (They stupidly used Spencer’s phone for this.)  In the text, they instruct Creepy Pedo to bring $10,000 to a nearby park, in exchange for the flashdrive. 

Hanna:  “Hey, aren’t those the bears from the Charmin commercials? What are THEY doing here?”

Aria:  “What do you THINK?”

Source

Taking things one step further, the girls call upon Garrett the Police Boy to help them with the sting operation.  Of course, as we know from watching him clean Blind Jenna’s teeth with his tongue, earlier in the hour, Police Boy’s intentions are not necessarily pure.  Fortunately, Hanna, who knows a thing or two about shady police officers with ulterior motives  .  . .

. . . has the foresight to lie, and tell Police Boy that her mother knows where they are.  (In other words, “don’t try any funny stuff, Officer Kid Groper!”)

Tensions are high, when a car pulls up, and a man emerges, carrying a bag filled with $10 grand in Cold Hard Cash . . .

Hey there, Sexy?  Who are YOU?  And why aren’t you a REAL cast member on this show?

Unfortunately, as you probably noticed already, that guy is NOT Ian.  He’s WAY HOTTER!  Rather, it’s some dude that Ian paid to drop off the cash, and retrieve the flash drive on his behalf. 

Woah . . . wait up . . . you’re telling me that Ian . . . a twenty-something high school hockey coach . . . has ten grand in cash, lying around his house AND has MORE money than that left over to pay hot guest stars?  Ummm . . . I don’t think so!

Then again, Ian coaches at the SAME school where a youngish English teacher can afford to rent a limosine to (1) drive him all the way to Philadelphia; and (2) WAIT around for him for an entire evening, while he makes out with his underage girlfriend . . . so . . .  yeah.  (I’m SO getting a job teaching at Rosewood!)

Meanwhile, Spencer is cuddling with Abs Toby, falling asleep in his arms, and letting him adoringly play with her hair (AWWW!) . . .

This lovefest is interrupted, when Spencer gets a text from Melissa, stating that Ian never picked her from the church, following the Baptism . . .  . interview(?). 

(Wait . . .  if Melissa walked to the church, why couldn’t she have walked HOME from there too?  Lazy pregnant biatch!)

Fortunately, for us, Spencer doesn’t leave to pick up her good-for-nothing sister, right away.  Instead, she spends some time sweetly telling Abs Toby that he is her “safe place to land.”  In return, Toby tells Spencer that he will ALWAYS be there for her, whenever she is ever in need.  (Something tells me she is going to be taking you up on that promise REAL soon, Tobster!)

Then, of course, the two makeout .  . . again . . .

Never .  . . gets . . . old.

Eventually, Spencer finally manages to pick up her bratty ass sister, who’s Pregnancy Brain made her leave her cell phone in church. 

“Wahhhh, MY PHONE!  Waaahhhh My Creepy Pedo Husband!  Wahhhhh you’re mean to me!  Wahhhh I’m one of the most unlikeable characters on a show that is FILLED with unlikeable characters!  Wahhhhhhh I miss WREN!“

Spencer stops the car, to return to church, when WHAM, her car gets broadsided by another car (on purpose?).  Next thing you know, Spencer is in the hospital, without a scratch on her.   But Melissa seems pretty banged up, and is at risk of losing herbaby.  So, being the caring sister Spencer is, she decides to go back to the church and retrieve Melissa’s phone.  (Because, cell phones are way more important than stupid babies, anyway!  Yeah, way to have your priorities straight, Spencer!)

“Oh, please!  The baby is going to be EVIL, anyway!  At least the cell phone comes with cool ring tones!”

So, Spencer heads back to the church.  And there . . . SURPRISE . . . is Creepy Pedo IAN!

You know how, up to this point, it was kind of hard to figure this guy out.  Because, as creepy as Ian was, he sometimes did NICE things, like rescue Spencer from the Fun House that he may have trapped her in, in the first place?  Well, all that is GONE in this scene.  Creepy Pedo Ian is in full on EVIL mode! 

“Melissa would want me to take care of this,” Ian says menacingly.

Creepy Pedo then admits that he KNOWS his wife was in the hospital, having just been HIT BY A CAR, but chooses to accost Spencer in the church, rather than tending to the mother of his child.  (It is almost as if he KNEW they would be in an accident.  Interesting . . .)

So, I’m convinced that the reason the producers chose to show a full moon in this shot, is to imply that Creepy Pedo Ian is actually a werewolf . . . Yes . . . I DO watch too much Vampire Diaries and True Blood.

“You were planning to’ take care of this,’ like you took care of Alison,” Spencer sneers. 

Spencer then shows Ian the incriminating  flashdrive (makes some fairly lame “home movie” jokes, while she displays it). Thinking fast, the “Smartest PLL”  tosses the flash drive at Ian, before dashing up to the Church’s bell tower.

Wait . . . WHAT?  You THREW AWAY the evidence . . . AGAIN, Spencer!  I’m hoping you were smart enough to make a copy this time, Little Miss Supposed Over Achiever!

Oops!

Now, Spencer may have been silly, when it came to her flash drive evidence, but she WAS smart enough to call Emily on her cell phone, as Ian chased her around the church . . .

ARIA:  “Crap!  I forgot to DVR Pretty Little Liars, tonight!”

EMILY:  “Don’t worry!  It’s playing on my iPhone RIGHT NOW!”

This enables all the PLL’s to hear all the SUPER INCRIMINATING things Ian is saying while he TRIES TO MURDER Spencer.  (I hope you recorded that, Emily!) 

Admittedly, I had to watch this chase scene twice, to figure out what Ian was saying.  And I STILL don’t think I got it all down.  Mostly, Ian was talking about how he was planning to kill Spencer in the church, and make it look like a suicide.  He planned to leave a note on Spencer’s computer, after she was dead, saying that she couldn’t deal with the pain of Ali’s death, and, therefore, offed herself . . . in a church.

There are two interesting things about Ian’s monologue: 

(1)  He inadvertently cites the WRONG cause of Ali’s death.  While Ali ACTUALLY died of strangulation, he cites, in Spencer’s fake suicide note, that she “fell to her death.”  This comment would seem to go AGAINST the commonly held notion that Ian killed Ali.  

 (2) Ian notes, once AGAIN, that he is killing Spencer, FOR Melissa.  Is it possible then that MELISSA killed Ali (or at least that Ian THINKS she did)?  Has Ian’s creepy behavior merely been a result of his trying to cover for his wife, because he feels GUILTY about cheating on her with Ali and about being a disgusting pedophile, who videotapes half-naked tweens?

It wouldn’t be the first time this actress played a psycho killer!

The answers to these questions, apparently, are not ones we will get first hand.  Because, moments later, Ian is dangling Spencer from the church bell tower.  In a strange twist of fate, she is grabbing on to her would-be killer’s arm for dear life.  Then, she pulls herself up onto the scaffolding.  What happens next is pretty shocking.  (As if all this WASN”T SHOCKING!)  A black cloaked figure comes out of the darkness, and pushes Ian off the scaffolding.  And yet, Ian doesn’t FALL to his death.   Instead, he gets tied up in the ropes and is hung. 

Of course, the rest of the PLL’s arrive, after the hooded figure (A?) has left the building.  They reach the top of the church tower, to find the disturbing image of Dead Ian swaying back and forth, like the pendulum of a grandfather clock, as Spencer watches on silently traumatized . . .

Yet, by the time the police arrive on the scene . . . IAN’S BODY IS GONE!

But, look who’s back from the PLL Lost Boy Vortex?

It’s Bushy Eyebrows Noel!

In the final moments of the episode, the girls, OF COURSE, get, yet another text message from “A” . . .

And here’s what it says: “It’s not over until I say it is.  Sleep tight, while you still can b*tches!” – A

Oh boy!  Something tells me, many of us PLL fans will be having some trouble sleeping, between now and when the show returns in June for it’s second season!  Fortunately, that gives us plenty of time to piece together all the clues we’ve gathered so far during Season 1.  So, I now turn things over to you, My Pretties!  Start sleuthing!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

The Kids are All Grown Up . . . Sort Of – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Undergraduates”

I’m pretty sure this kind of thing happens at least once every season.  Except, this time, Serena has raised the stakes, by discovering the art of camouflage.  Seriously!  Who else, besides Serena, would dress to match the curtains at a fashion event? 

I never thought it would happen, but after four seasons of scheming, cattiness, and hijinks, our Upper East Side crew is FINALLY showing some signs of maturity . . . well, some of them are, at least.  Others are . . . well . . . not.

So, without further adieu, let’s take a look back at this episode, to find out which characters are still in diapers . . .

 . . . and who got to graduate to Big Boy Pants!

Gossip Girl gets an Upgrade.  Serena gets Downsized.

 

When the episode begins, Serena and Blair are preparing for their first day at Columbia University.

Unfortuntely, their first day of school just so happens to be a very dark day on the Upper West Side.  As it turns out . . . the Gossip Girl website is temporarily DOWN.

Clearly, this is a tragedy of EPIC proportions, especially for Blair, who just so happens to be one of those people . . .

 . . . who is simply not happy, unless some low rent media entity is documenting her every move.  As their first official order of business as new Columbia students, Blair and Serena .  . . go to class.  HAHA!  JUST KIDDING!  We don’t do actually that on this show . . .

Instead, Blair and Serena head off to the “Hamilton House” (i.e. this season’s version of the “secret society” Blair tries to join every year, whose members’ innate snobbery and elite status cause our Queen Bee to temporarily forget who her REAL friends are)  . . .

It’s not just for cans and bottles any more.  We do it for PLOTLINES too!

As Blair and Serena enter the insanely stuck up Hamilton House, Serena notes her very familiar surroundings, and gripes, “I thought college would be different from high school.”

“Who would want that?”  Blair inquires, without an ounce of humor or irony in her voice.  (You gotta love Blair!)

Speaking of high school, just moments after arriving, the girls encounter a “old friend” from “back in the day” (i.e. two years ago).

It’s Perpetual Queen Bee Runner Up, PENELOPE!

And, I am happy to report, that she is just as much of a saucy biatch, as she was in high school!  After Penelope and Blair exchange a few bitter barbs for old time’s sake, the diva reveals that one of her ancestors was a founding member of the Hamilton House.  This accident of birth makes Penelope a legacy at Hamilton House, and and automatic club member.  Fortunately for Blair, Penelope is NOT, however, the Key Master, i.e. the person responsible for personally inviting new members to join the club.

Poor Penelope!  Always a minion, never a royal!

But, you know who IS Key Master at Hamilton House? THIS GIRL . . .

It’s Crazy Potential Psycho Stalker, Juliet Sharp, of course!  (Clearly, Hamilton House is a VERY classy establishment, if they are letting homicidal maniacs join.)  When Blair and Serena approach Juliet for their keys to the club, Looney Tunes herself surprises EVERYBODY (well, at least everybody who didn’t see the trailer for the episode, before it aired), by offering a club key to Blair  . . . and NOT SERENA!

At that very moment, Gossip Girl comes back online with a BRAND NEW FEATURE.  It’s called Live Video Streaming, and it’s like Botox for websites.

The Video Stream shows Serena getting rejected by Hamilton House, as a politely reserved, but secretly smug, Blair fondles her new key to the kingdom elite Columbia society.  Of course, this poses the very important question of WHO is Gossip Girl, that she was able to get such close-up footage of the girls at this elite event?  You see, in the past, any onlooker could have sent Gossip Girl the pictures and intel that the site happened to be seeking at the time. 

However, seeing as the GG site had been down for a period of time; and, presumably no one, except Gossip Girl herself (or himself), knew at the time that the site had video capabilities, that pretty much narrows the suspects down to someone in that room.  Could it be Juliet?  Penelope? 

 Only time will tell . . .

Outside of Hamilton House, Blair half-heartedly offers to decline membership in the club for Serena’s sake.  However, Serena, who knows a fake gesture of kindness when she sees one, replies that this will not be necessary.  “S” would never stand in the way of her Best-ie’s social progress.  Besides, Hamilton House may just be a bit too “right wing” for a bohemian gal, like Serena.

Famous Hamilton House Alumnis

Upon receiving Serena’s “blessing” to stay in Hamilton House, Blair responds like THIS . . .

 . . . and bounces off excitedly, but not before making plans to meet Serena later for dinner and drinks.

Feeling a bit like the Stinky Kid in Elementary School, who nobody wanted to play with,  Serena calls Dorky Dan, in hopes of bolstering her recently diminished self esteem . . .

. . . and he BLOWS HER OFF . . .

 . . . to hang out with a guy who still POOPS IN HIS PANTS!

Then she calls Hot Pants Nate . . .

. . . and HE BLOWS HER OFF TOO!

(Apparently, Hamilton House is coed, and Nate’s a member as well.  How CONVENIENT!)

Yes, Serena.  Apparently, college IS just like High School.  Except, now, you are the NEW Jenny Humphrey . . .

It’s not easy . . . being sleazy.

Lifestyles of the Rich and the Rapist

While the rest of his friends are stories below, pretending to matriculate at Columbia, Chuck Bass is sleeping on million-thread count sheets, in the Penthouse Suite at the Empire Hotel.  He wakes up to find his new Gal Pal Eva missing.  When he sees the sliding glass door to the balcony open, Chuck worries for a moment that the idea of being the most HATED new cast member of Gossip Girl got to be too much for Eva, and she threw herself out the window.

Goodbye, Cruel Fangirls!

(At the same time, Chair fans across the nation are keeping their fingers crossed for the same result.  It’s nothing personal, Eva.  You’re just NO Blair Waldorf!)

But, alas when Chuck arrives outside, he finds Eva simply looking out at the city skyline, with her feet planted firmly on the ground.  “Your world . . . it’s magnificent,” says Eva, with all the emotion and excitement of a person saying, “I have a dentist appointment today.”

Chuck is so enamored by Eva’s innocence, that he can’t help but set out to destroy it.  Immediately, he offers Eva room service, a spa day, and unlimited access to his credit card.  You know, Eva, I recently saw a movie just like this.  Wanna know which one?

Yes, Eva.  I AM calling you a whore (but a VERY nice and well-mannered one, just like in the movie)!

“Your life is perfect,” Eva says in a dull monotone that would make Ben Stein proud.

“Bueller . . . Bueller . .  . Bueller.”

“Now, so is yours,” lies Chuck through his teeth.

Meanwhile, Nate stops by Chuck’s hotel suite to return the Bass-tard’s Black Book, and lecture the hotel scion about being honest with his girlfriend about his shady past.

Riiiiight.  Just like I’m sure Nate is going to be honest with HIS new girlfriend about all the STD’s he undoubtedly contracted this summer, as a result of using said “Black Book.”

Leaving Eva to her own devices, Chuck goes to visit Lily . . .

 . . . the one person member of his Post-Sex with She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named Fan Club.  Chuck tells Lily that he is a changed man, who has stopped screwing raccoons . . .

. . . and has, instead, fallen in love with a character from the Harry Potter series.

Eager to make things right with her extended family, Lily invites Chuck and Eva to attend Fashion’s Night Out.  There, she supposes, the van der Woodsens, Basses and Humphreys can mingle without the added pressure of a formalized dinner.  Chuck agrees.

Later, Lily convinces Rufus to give the New and Improved Bass . . .

“I’m singing a Redemption Song!”

 . . . a second chance at the fashion event.  Rufus initially agrees to have an open mind.  However, when Eric . . .

Welcome back, Buddy!  We missed you!  You’re the least screwed up character on THIS SHOW!  (Well . . . aside from the whole “tried to commit suicide” thing.)

. . . spills the bean to Rufus about Chuck’s attempted rape of Jenny during the pilot episode her freshman year . . .

 . . . Papa Humphrey radically changes his tune.

That afternoon, while Eva shops her little heart out on Chuck’s dime, she runs into Blair.

Of course, in typical Mean Girl fashion, Blair taunts Eva the Robot about her modest beginnings, plain looks, and peasant hands. With a scathing sneer and biting wit that would make Season 1 Blair proud, Queen B lets her latest competition for Chuck’s heart know, in no uncertain terms, that she is a “woman off the rack,” who does not belong in GG society.  (And most Chair fans would AGREE!) 

You can take the girl out of Constance Billard Prep . . . but you can’t take Constance Billard Prep out of the girl.

The bitter exchange upsets Eva enough (to the extent that she is capable of expressing human emotion) to cause her to confront Chuck about it, as the two prepare for Fashion’s Night Out.  In an admittedly sweet moment, Chuck tells Eva that he loves that she doesn’t fit in to his snooty world.  He truly believes that, once given a chance to meet her, the Upper East Siders will love Eva just as much as HE does . . .

Oh, Chuck!  You Sweet, but Ignorant, Slut!  How willingly you overestimate the kindness of your friends and family.

As we watch Eva childishly recite the GG cast members’ names, like a child trying to remember a nursery rhyme, we just KNOW this girl is in for some seriously bad sh*t, in the weeks to come.  It almost makes me feel bad for her . . . almost.

Who’s Your Daddy, Baby Milo?

Meanwhile, Dan is still playing proud papa to Georgina’s spawn, Baby Milo . . .

 . . . when he receives a Gossip Girl blast that Georgina is living it up in St. Barts, while he is cleaning spit up off his unlimited collection of ugly flannel shirts.  To make matters worse, Busy Body Rufus rushes over to tell Dan that, based on his own expert opinion (Read: complete lamens’, not to mention, LAME MAN’S opinion), Baby Milo CANNOT be Dan’s son.

Cue the entrance of Vanessa “Never Met a Plotline She Couldn’t Make Boring” Abrams.

Together her and Dan enter into a positively snooze-worthy discussion about Dan’s options regarding the care of Baby Milo.  Unfortunately for Dan, he has gone and fallen in love with the little Demon Baby, and can’t imagine giving it up for adoption or putting it in foster care.  Dan wants to raise Milo himself.  However, he fears that his student lifestyle will provide him with neither the time nor sufficient income to get the job done.

Then Vanessa, saves the day, by offering to move in with Dan, and help him to raise Baby Milo.

(This is the point in the recap where I would insert a “YIPPEE” . . . if I cared enough about this storyline to do so, which I don’t . . .)

Dan initially cautions his girlfriend against this idea.  He fears he is asking too much of Vanessa, and will ultimately end up jeopardizing their relationship as a result.

Well . . . that got a response from me!

Even though she was CLEARLY not born yet when the film in question came out, Vanessa argues that if Tom Selleck and Ted Danson from Three Men and a Baby could raise a kid, so could Dan and Vanessa . . .

“As long as that doesn’t make me Guttenberg,” quips Dan.

Ummm . . . I hate to break it to you Dan .  . . but you are TOTALLY Guttenberg.  And Vanessa is Tom Selleck’s mustache . . .

Dan agrees to let Vanessa move in and help him raise Baby Milo.  However, before she can return to the apartment with all her hippie skirts, mismatched scarfs, incense, and patchouli . . . GEORGINA RETURNS!

In what was undoubtedly the most interesting and hilarious part of this lame and second rate B-plot storyline, Georgina explains that Milo’s father is some Russian businessman who she met and screwed on an airplane.

“Now, I’m a super villain AND a member of the Mile High Club.  I RULE!”

Unfortunately, for Georgina, the Russian businessman’s wife found out about the tryst, and when she heard Georgina was pregnant, she put a hit out on the dimunitve vixen.  By doctoring Milo’s birth certificates to say that Dan was his father (as opposed to the 100’s of other men Trampy Georgina undoubtedly was banging during that time), Georgina got the killers off her tail.  Now, however, she’s finally decided to grow up and be a real mother to Milo. 

Dan tries to protest.  However, he has no REAL claim to the Baby, so Georgina ultimately takes the child with her.  At the end of the episode, Vanessa and Dan decide to move in together, anyway.

And they all lived Boringly Ever After . . .

(Honestly, I was kind of hoping for more Georgina Hijinks and Histrionics here.  Weren’t you?  Like, for example, watching her be chased by a bunch of Russian Mafioso would be absolutely HILARIOUS, in my opinion!

But, perhaps, not everyone agrees with me . . .)

Rufus Humphrey Cock Block Extraordinaire

“As the Lord is my Witness, Chuck Bass will NEVER GET LAID AGAIN!  Mwahhahaha!”

At Fashion’s Night Out, Chuck approaches Lily, Rufus and Eric to make his apologies, and hopefully, to introduce them to Eva.

Unfortunately for Chuck, Rufus is not too keen on forgiving his daughter’s Date Rapist.  In fact, he doesn’t want the Bass-tard anywhere NEAR HIS FAMILY.  And yet, Rufus the Doofus takes his Chuck-sized hatred one step further.  He wants Chuck to become a re-virginized MONK!

“Whatcha you talkin’ about, Rufus?”

When Eva enters the fray, Chuck, fearing that Rufus will spill the beans about his pervy past to the woman he is passing the time until Blair takes him back with loves, throws himself on the sword saying, “That’s just another social climber making a play for Chuck Bass.  She is not with me.”

Oh no you, didn’t!

Eva dashes off in tears.  And Chuck, after another heart-to-heart with surrogate Mommy Lily, finally finds the courage to rush after her, come clean about his sordid past.  At first, Eva is disgusted, and leaves him.  Almost immediately, a tail between his legs Chuck confronts Blair.

And the Queen B is so smug and self-satisfied about Chuck’s failure and Eva’s resultant departure, that she practically does a dance of joy, right in front of him.

But then Eva returns.

“It was hard for me to learn what kind of man you were.  But I’ve seen the kind of man you can be.  And I choose to be with that man,” announces Eva.

Her and Chuck then kiss (BARF!), as Blair looks on disgusted.

“Once lips have tasted caviar, it baffles me how they can return to catfish,” Blair notes wryly, toward the end of the episode.

Well said, Miss Waldorf!  Because it sure beats the heck out of me . . .

Secret Society Hijinks Ensue .  . .

I wanted to save the most intriguing plotline for last, so allow me to backtrack a bit, and tell you what happened after Blair was admitted into Hamilton House, and Serena wasn’t.  Well, first the Slimy Seductive Juliet took Blair aside, and poured a little metaphorical poison in her ear, when the latter inquired as to why Serena wasn’t admitted into their little club.

“Isn’t it better to have something at this school that is just yours,” Juliet suggests casually, with all the finesse of a snake in the Garden of Eden.

Boy!  Juliet sure has Blair’s number!  Little Miss “I’ll take the West Bank, you take the East,” is no one if not a person who is constantly seeking out her own fame and recognition.  Juliet then takes things one step further, insisting that Blair attend a Martini Event thrown by Hamilton House, instead of keep her dinner plans with Serena.  Then, when Serena calls to find out where Blair is, Juliet instructs her to LIE about her whereabouts, so as not to “hurt Serena’s feelings.”

Blair stupidly takes the bait. 

Moments later, in a move that surprised precisely NO ONE, Gossip Girl streamed the Martini Event live, allowing Serena to catch Blair in her fib.  (It was at this moment, Boys and Girls, that I became pretty certain that Juliet was Gossip Girl.  Little did I know that something would happen later to prove me wrong . . .)

The next day, an angry Serena confronted a very flowery-dressed Blair about her deception, suggesting that Juliet sabotaged Serena’s ability to get into Hamilton House.  Blair, as per usual, gets defensive, “There’s no conspiracy.  Hamilton House just doesn’t want YOU!”  Blair yelps.

Blair then walks off in a huff.

Later, Serena sees other girls getting keys to Hamilton House, even after Juliet suspiciously claimed there were none left.  So, “S” decides to confront the BIATCH.

Turning the tables on Serena, Juliet asserts that it was BLAIR who kept Serena from getting into Hamilton House, by revealing to the alumni the existence of a sex tape involving Serena and Pete Hammond. . . as in THAT GUY SHE “KILLED.”

At Fashion’s Night Out, we see an angry-looking Serena stalk into the building in search of Blair.  The next thing we know, Gossip Girl is live-streaming footage of a hair pulling, name-calling argument between the frenemies, in which Blair awkwardly notes that Serena’s dad couldn’t raise herproperly, because he was busy giving her mother, FAKE CANCER! 

(OUCH!  That had to hurt!)

Meanwhile, a smug Juliet, who, along with her new Hamilton House minions, is watching the whole fight on her iPhone, decides to put the whole altercation on wide-screen television, for all the Fashion’s Night Out attendees to enjoy.

Eventually Juliet tells her minions that it is time to “step in and save ‘her sister’ [Blair] from that b*tch [Serena].”  However, when Juliet rips back the curtain, all she finds is Blair and Serena sitting calmly on the sofa, watching the same pre-recorded broadcast, the rest of the party is enjoying.  As it turns out, they had leaked the fake fight footage to Gossip Girl, in order to catch Juliet in the act of trying to ruin both of their reputations. 

(This turn of events just made it very unlikely that Juliet is actually Gossip Girl.)

“Your little plan might have worked on us in High School, but not now,” lectures Blair maturely (before sticking her tongue out, and singing “Nah-Nah, Nah-Nah, Nah-Nah.”)

She’s right.  Juliet’s plan probably WOULD have worked on Blair and Serena, back when they were in High School.  In fact, it DID work.  If I recall, Georgina Sparks, herself, had done this exact sort of thing, once or twice, in earlier seasons, to break the besties apart.)

Lily van der Woodsen, who, OF COURSE, just so happens to be on the alumni board at Hamilton House, immediately dethrones Juliet, and offers her own daughter a “much-deserved” key to to the house.  Juliet skulks off.  And Nate, who has witnessed the whole ordeal, begins to run after her.  However, Serena stops him first.

Never exactly the “sharpest tool in the shed,” Nate surprises everybody, by siding with PSYCHO STALKER JULIET in this little battle of wits.  And why not?  After all, Serena cheated on him with Dorky Dan Humphrey last year, and then just automatically expected him to take her back.  And Nate DID want to take her back . . . at least, at first. 

But now, all the sudden, Nate has decided that he’s MAD at Serena (an emotion he should have experienced MONTHS ago . . . and probably would have, if he wasn’t so busy porking all those whores in Chuck’s Black Book).  Now, given all Nate’s “MAD-ness,” no matter what Serena does, she’s going to be a Big Fat Poopy Head in Nate’s eyes.

After leaving Serena to comprehend the concept of a boy actually NOT wanting to bone her, Nate rushes to Psycho Stalker Juliet.  Crazy Train tells him that she only schemed against Serena, because she didn’t want Nate around her all the time at Hamilton House.  In short, Juliet claims that she acted out of jealousy.

Sure, it’s obvious to everyone that Juliet is lying.  But not to Moronic Nate, who’s just arrogant enough to believe her.  So, while Serena is moving in to La Casa de Waldorf with Blair and Dorota; Nate and Juliet are making out, and sealing their fate as the most effed up couple in Gossip Girl history (well, aside from Chuck and Jenny of course — but they don’t count.)

It all ends in a fairly commonplace way, until the last scene.  There, we see Juliet visiting some guy in prison.  Upon listening to their conversation we can conclude that (1) HE’S the one who’s hired Psycho Stalker Girl to screw with Serena and the rest of the Upper East Side Crew; and (2) the prison-bound pair are romantically involved in some way — thus, making Juliet’s romantic advances toward Nate (for now, at least) completely phony.

But who IS this guy?  My first thought was that he was Carter Baizen.  After all, Carter’s criminal dealings and grudges against most of the GG cast, would make him a likely candidate for something like this.  The problem, of course, was that this guy didn’t look like Sebastian Stan (the actor who plays Carter).

My second guess was that this Prisoner Dude is somehow related to Pete, the guy Serena “killed.”  After all, Juliet made a point to mention Pete’s name, when making an excuse as to why Serena wasn’t admitted to Hamilton House.  How else would she know all that information, if not from a connected outside source?

Well, I’m all out of ideas.  What about you guys?  Any suggestions as to who this orange-jumpsuited man might be, or why he hates Serena so much?

[www.juliekushner.com]

What’s become of the broken hearted? – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s Season Premiere “Belles Du Jour”

“They say it’s a broken heart, but I hurt with my whole body.” 

Although the above-referenced statement might sound like a line from a pharmeceutical commercial . . .

Are you depressed?  Lonely?  Not feeling quite like yourself?  If so, you might be suffering from Chuck Bass withdrawal . . .

 . . . it was actually uttered by Blair Waldorf, toward the end of Gossip Girl’s Season 4 premiere, “Belles Du Jour.”  Of course, our favorite Queen B wasn’t the only one feeling that way.  In fact, whether or not they were willing to admit it, each member of “Manhattan’s Elite” was nursing a broken heart of some sort, during this past summer.  And this first episode illustrated to GG fans the highly distinct ways that these characters chose to cope with their unique brands of heartache . . .

The Fountain of Ruthless

Ever wonder what it would be like to swim in a fountain in Paris?  You might want to ask Serena . . .

When the episode opens, we are treated to the oh-so-familar voice of Gossip Girl, as she summarizes the highlights of Blair’s and Serena’s epic summer abroad in Paris. 

Now, I know this is ONLY a TV show, and we are supposed to suspend reality a bit here.  And yet, I can’t help but cry foul.  It’s one thing for Gossip Girl, who was presumably a fellow student at Constance Billard Prep, to follow the goings on of Serena and Blair, during the first two seasons of the show.  By extension, it would be conceivable for Gossip Girl to continue to follow the girls in college, seeing as the entire crew seemed to stay in New York City.  I can even understand how Gossip Girl got scoop on the girls’ previous summers in the Hamptons, since ALL of the Upper East Siders summered there.  But for her to chronicle the girls’ ENTIRE SUMMER IN PARIS?

Are we supposed to believe that this ambitious 19-year old has Frenchies on her payroll too?  Or, perhaps, she flew to Paris, herself.  Ummm . . . you know, we have a word for that here in America, Gossip Girl.  It’s called STALKING.  And it’s ILLEGAL. 

Be afraid for your EX, Mr. Archibald.  VERY afraid!

Oh, and while we’re on the subject, are we supposed to believe that Gossip Girl is intrepid enough (and lame enough) to know exactly where in Paris Blair eats her morning muffins, but has NO CLUE that Chuck was almost SHOT TO DEATH PRAGUE??!! 

Gee, I don’t know the answer to that question . .  . but I CAN tell you that Serena went to the bathroom 8 times yesterday!  Could she be diabetic?

Come on Show Writers, have a little faith in your fans’ intelligence .  . .

But I digress . . . back to Blair and Serena.  Gossip Girl informs us that Serena has screwed the entire West Bank of Paris in a single summer, causing stock prices for all condom manufacturers located there to soar through the roof.  This single-handedly ends the country’s economic recession.

Serena van der Woodsen:  Saving the world, one f*ck at a time!

Meanwhile, BLAIR . . . did some sightseeing and . . . (gasp) ATE CARBS!

It’s OK, Blair.  Five pounds can be easily lost, but an STD is forever . . .

In other words, Blair may have eaten crabs in Paris, but SERENA took them home . . .

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that Blair WASN’T looking for love in Paris, she was just a little pickier about it than Serena.  Specifically, suitors who are neither royalty  . . .

nor Chuck Bass .  . .

. . . need not apply.

One day, Blair is admiring an exquisite Manet at a nearby museum . . .

. . . when she realizes that someone else is admiring her . . .

His name is Louis.  And, to his credit, he does a fairly nice job of feigning sufficient interest in the artwork, to convince Blair that he’s cultured enough to accompany Her Majesty to dinner.  But what REALLY seals the deal for Louis is this . . .

 . . . a chauffeured car and a Royal Family Name Drop. 

(GIF provided by http://ohnotheydidnt.livejournal.com)

In preparation for her Big Night Out, a newly ecstatic Blair commandeers BFF Serena for a shopping excursion, where no credit card is left behind. 

“Blair, Cinderella did NOT Google Prince Charming,” Serena lectures, as our Queen B tries desperately to get additional intel on her would-be suitor.

Cinderella may not have, but that doesn’t mean that WE can’t .  . .

Speaking of Serena, she has some good news of her own.  Turns out, our girl has been accepted into Columbia University, where Blair and Nate will also be matriculating this upcoming fall. 

And yet, Serena is not quite sure how to break this so-called “good” news to Blair, who apparently has final say on all her friends’ continuing education choices.  So, of course, in typical Serena fashion, she says . . . nothing.

“I wanted to tell her!  But my Mom always said that it’s rude to talk with your mouth full.”

Mouth full or not, Blair invites Serena to tag along on her date with Louis, because Louis’ “friend,” Jean Michel, also wants to come along.  All seems well in Blair-land — that is, of course, until Louis shows up, DRIVING HIS OWN CAR .  . .

 . . . and wearing a fashion accessory that makes him most unworthy of receiving the annointed status of Queen B’s Beau  . . .

A Chauffeur’s CAP?  OMG!  The dude might as well have been wearing a KKK hood, as far as Blair is concerned . . .

According to Louis, Jean Michel is the ROYAL, and HE, is nothing more than the lowly driver.

At dinner, Blair tries to be courteous to her “blue collar” date, but ends up doing a really crappy job of it  — responding to an admittedly not-that-funny anecdote about Louis wearing blue jeans to a fancy dinner, by lecturing her guests on the importance of respecting the “Rules of Fashion.”

“That’s right, Louis!  And if you don’t eat every last vegetable on your plate, I will see to it that you are GROUNDED!”

But the poo REALLY hits the fan, when Blair receives a call from her mother, who was apparently, oh-so-excited to learn that Serena would be going to Columbia with Blair, that she had to call her IMMEDIATELY to gossip about it.  Massive international time differences be damned!

 “OH HELL NO!  You mean to tell me THAT DUMB SLUT got into Columbia?  Aren’t there ANY standards in the Ivy Leagues anymore?  I might has well have gone to (gasp) a STATE SCHOOL!”

Now, Blair, despite being, by all other accounts, highly intelligent (and despite having been out of high school for OVER A YEAR) STILL has not disabused herself of the notion that the whole wide world is made up of two classes of people:  the popular clique and BIG FAT LOSERS of Turdville.  Additionally, Blair truly believes that the “popular clique” at Columbia is not big enough for both her and Serena.  So, if Serena matriculates there (without banging the entire rugby team and flunking out her first semester– which, let’s face it, is probably what she’s going to end up doing, anyway), Blair will be banished to Turdville for ALL ETERNITY . . . or at least until college graduation. 

OH THE HORROR!

So, Blair not-so-subtly drags Serena outside and more or less tells her she CANNOT attend Columbia University. 

“Now, look what you’ve done, Serena!  You have made me break out my ANGRY FACE!  Do you have any idea how much BOTOX I’m going to need in the future to repair all the damage you’ve caused?”

When Serena refuses to obey her Bestie’s matriculation wishes, Blair does THIS . . .

 . . . which results in THIS . . .

“I’m MELTING!  I’m MELTING!”

A very WET Serena returns to the restaurant, to find Blair trying to make up lame excuses for her absence to Louis and Jean Michel.  But Jean Michel already LOVES Serena (of course), and immediately escorts her out.   When Louis shows an interest in finishing dinner with Blair (though, honestly, after her rude behavior that night, I’m not quite sure why), Blair quickly suggests they follow Jean Michel instead.  And THAT is when Louis drops the bomb on her.

As it turns out, Louis IS royal, after all! 

He just wanted to test Blair to see if she really liked him for his personality, or just for his esteemed status.  And Blair FAILED the test . . . MISERABLY.

I guess she should have Googled her Prince Charming a bit more thoroughly . . .

That night, as Serena packs to travel home, a guilt-ridden, dumped, tail-between-her legs, Blair apologizes profusely for her bad behavior — chalking it all up to Chuck-induced depression.  Blair even “gallantly” allows Serena to attend HER college.  The “best friends” promptly kiss and makeup.  HOORAY!

Awwww, LOOK!  They’re even in front of a fountain . . . MEMORIES!

 Hit me with a Baby, One More Time!

In other news, Dan is shacking up and playing house with Georgina  . . .

 . . . along with their supposed lovechild, Baby Milo. 

But, as always, Georgina is obviously hiding something.  Repeatedly, during the episode, she gets angry secret phone calls from some harsh-sounding Eastern European dude, who, for some reason, seems OBSESSED with Georgina getting Dan to sign the kid’s birth certificate.  What does this guy have on Georgina?  And why the hell does he care so much about Dan?  (Nobody else does!) 

Perhaps Baby Milo is HIS, and he’s using Dan’s paternity of Milo to get his own Greencard? 

Who knows?  What we do know is that Dan is in some serious Doo Doo!

When Dan starts avoiding his parental units (because, of course, he’s never told them about the baby), Rufus and Lily. . .

 . . .  start to suspect something is up with him.   And so, Dan’s parents send in for reinforcements.  Or, rather, one REALLY ANNOYING reinforcement . . .

Vanessa barges into Dan’s apartment and finds him  .  . . with child.

Meet Milo!  The NOT AT ALL realistic looking spawn of “Dangina”  (Although . . . he DOES seem to have his dad’s chin.)

While Dan is reminiscing with the snoozy girlfriend that almost was, Georgina is busy accidentally / on purpose spilling the beans to Dan’s parents about their new grandchild.  Rufus is skeptical, and rightly so.  His only solace comes from the fact that Dan has not yet signed Milo’s birth certificate.  “Get  . . . a . . . paternity . . . test . . . NOW!”  Rufus demands.

“Fortunately,” Georgina has one right in her purse!  (How VERY convenient!)  When Rufus once again questions the reliability of these results  rightly so), Georgina has them TELEPHONE the doctor for confirmation.  (Riiiiiight, because doctors can NEVER be paid off!) 

Unsurprisingly, the doctor confirms that Dan is, in fact, the Baby Daddy.  So, “New Papa Humphrey,” who has, apparently, never watched an episode of Law and Order before, immediately signs the birth certificate, and returns it to Georgina.  The next day Georgina is GONE, and Dan is left to care for Baby Milo ALONE!

Oh, wait!  That was supposed to be SHOCKING, right?  I’m sorry.  Let’s try that again . . .

Better?

Nate gets a date . .  . (well, actually,  a lot of them — but only one that really matters)

Since the two are attempting to get over EACHOTHER, it makes sense that both Serena and Nate are mending their broken hearts in the exact same way . . . through their pants.

I found these in Nate’s hotel room.  Either that guy is getting laid LOTS, or he’s attempting to open a Victoria’s Secret franchise . . .

Armed with the MIA Chuck’s Little Black Book, Nate has spent his summer boning some of the New York City’s skankiest honeys.  And yet, the fun of it all is starting to wear a little thin.   And, perhaps, THAT is what intrigues him about the seemingly bookish, slightly standoffish, but still ridiculously attractive, Juliet Sharpe . . .

Although initially put off by his man-whoring ways, Juliet appears to recognize in Nate a troubled man with a good soul.  So, eventually, she slips him her digits, and offers him a shoulder (and pair of boobs) to cry on.  Of course, Nate readily accepts the offer.  He’s IS guy, after all!

And yet, at the very end of the episode, we see that Juliet may not be exactly who she seems to be.  For starters, she has THIS over her desk . . .

You mean Juliet is a FANGIRL, who watches GOSSIP GIRL, and loves Chace Crawford?  How very meta!

Actually, it’s not only Nate that’s featured on the wall.  Other cast members Upper East Siders are represented there too . . .

And it’s not just pictures of them.  It’s also notes, magazine clippings, and other assorted intel.  CREEPY!

OK.  So, here are my guesses as to Juliet’s “BIG SECRET.”  (1) Juliet IS, in fact, a stalker / psycho killer, which could make her a lot of fun, and/or unbelievably lame, depending on how well her character is written;

(2)  She’s some undercover CIA or FBI operative, sent to investigate criminal activity within the Archibald Family, or the Bass Family, or the van der Woodsen Family (They each include AT LEAST one criminal, after all).

Yeah, I know.  I know.  This ISN’T Katie Cassidy (the actress who plays Juliet).  It’s actually Heather Locklear, back when she was in her twenties.  But the two kind of look alike, so I thought I might get away with it.  Sorry.

or (3) (and this is my personal favorite)  Juliet Sharpe is GOSSIP GIRL!

“XOXO, Juliet Gossip Girl”

A plot twist like this would be AWESOME!  For one thing, it would serve to FINALLY solve the four-year long mystery of who this Upper East Side stalker biatch actually is. (And DON’T say she’s Kristen Bell, because I’m not just talking about the “voice” of Gossip Girl, and YOU know it!)

“I am NOT a GOSSIP!  I just play one on TV!”

Additionally, since we already KNOW Juliet and Nate will eventually hook up, I think it will be absolutely HILARIOUS to watch Gossip Girl try to repeatedly “blast” news items, in which she is one of the key players.  Here is an example of what such a news blast might look like:

 “Spotted, Nate Archibald doing the horizontal mambo in the backseat of a limo with ME! ME! ME! YAY! WOOHOO! OMG! HE’S SO HOT! random nobody, Juliet Sharpe.”

GG writers, PLEASE make this happen!

Oh, and just in case you were wondering where Chuck Bass was . . .

“Ummmm, YAH!  That’s why we’ve suffered through this whole long recap.  DUH!”

He’s dead!

Just kidding!  He’s PRESUMED dead, but actually alive, having been nursed back to health by some random blonde chicky.

“Who the heck are you?”

“I’m Eva, Chuck!  What’s the matter?  Don’t you read spoilers?”

Apparently, these two were shacked up in Prague throughout Chuck’s (sorry “Henry Prince’s”) recovery.  But, now, they have left Prague . . .

 .  . .   and arrived in (shocker of shockers) PARIS . . .

 . . . temporary home away from home to one, Blair Waldorf.

Golly, GG fans!  Paris is a MIGHTY BIG PLACE!  These two star-crossed lovers couldn’t possibly cross paths there.  Could they? 😉

There you have it folks, our first GG episode of Season 4.  Was it everything you hoped for?  Or were you as peeved by the Extreme Lack of Chuck, as I was?

P.S.  Before I sign off, I would be totally remiss, if I did not take this opportunity, during my first GG post of the new fall season, to thank the lovely folks at Chuck and Blair the Perfect Pair for helping me get my GG fix all summer long.  If you haven’t visited their site yet, please, by all means, drop everything you are doing, and GO NOW!  I am serious!  You will NOT be disappointed!

XOXO

[www.juliekushner.com]

OMFG? Not so much . . . – The Top Ten “Been There, Seen That” Teen Television Cliches (Part 1 of 2)

It is probably no secret to anyone who has ever stopped by this blog before (or even just examined the above “collage”), that I am a sucker for Trash-tastic Teen Television.  I have been a fan of these types of shows since the age of eight.  That was when I first decided that I desperately wanted to be a teen.  And I have no doubt that I will remain a fan, long after I have cruised past “old age,” and am forced to squint through my coke bottle glasses, and smile through my dentures, at the sight of some pipsqueaks (who bear a suspicious resemblance to my grandkids) attending prom on my small screen.

“That is one hot threesome.  Oh, when I think back to my first threesome . . . ah memories!”

Having been around the “teenage television” block quite a bit since my eighth birthday, I have come to notice a few patterns among my favorite teen dramas.  Over the years, I have watched in wonder, as certain storylines traveled across decades,  time zones, and networks, just to reach my lowly television set, over and over (and over and over) again . . .  So I’ve decided to investigate these storylines, in hopes of FINALLY figuring out what makes them so “gosh darn special!”

1) “Hit me with a baby, one more time!” – The Pregnancy Scare and/or Actual Pregnancy Plotline

The Storyline: Our teen female protagonist has sex . . . usually for the first time.  Her partner is either a long, LONG time boyfriend, with whom she has been discussing doing the deed for the ENTIRE season . . .

 Or, conversely, he is a one night-stand, who she (a) barely knows; or (b) seemingly despises.  There is never any in between. 

In the very next scene, our protagonist learns that she has missed her period.  She is FLIPPING THE F&CK OUT!

She keeps her discovery a secret from everyone, except for her best friend.  And the best friend is inevitably the one who convinces the protagonist to take the pregnancy test.

Regardless of the pregnancy test’s ultimate result, inevitably there comes a time when our protagonist has to have “The Discussion” with “The Maybe Baby Daddy.” 

 Sometimes, he takes it well . .  . usually, he doesn’t . . . at least, not at first.

Now, if the protagonist ends up not being pregnant . . . well then . . . THAT’S IT!  Our protagonist is RELIEVED!  She feels brand NEW!  She’s CHANGED!

She will pretend this whole little sweeps week episode never happened (or, in the case of Manny Santos, and Degrassi, the U.S. will pretend this whole episode never happened . . . by NOT AIRING IT, until about 3 years after it was actually filmed).  However, if our protagonist IS pregnant . . . we get stuck with a baby storyline for ALL ETERNITY (or at least it will seem that way  . . .)!

Examples: Brenda on 90210 (not actually pregnant); Andrea on 90210 (actually pregnant / had baby / raised baby); Summer on The O.C. (not actually pregnant); Manny on Degrassi: The Next Generation (actually pregnant / had abortion); Liberty on Degrassi: The Next Generation (pregnant / had baby / gave baby up for adoption); Emma on Degrassi: The Next Generation (not actually pregnant / feeling left out because EVERYONE else on her show actually was); Blair on Gossip Girl (not actually pregnant);  Georgina on Gossip Girl (To Be Determined?); Amy on Secret Life of the American Teenager (actually pregnant / had baby / is raising baby); Quinn on Glee (actually pregnant / had baby / gave baby up for adoption).

Why it’s a cliche?

“Hey there, boys and girls!  I’ve got a message for you!  Premarital sex is BAAAAAAAAD!”

Teen television programs tend to be written by adults.  And even the most hip and forward thinking adults, don’t like to think about their 15-year old kids f*c*ing eachother’s brains out like bunny rabbits on acid. 

So they ever so subtly try to scare the crap out of their kids, by showing them how having sex once can RUIN THEIR LIVES FOREVER!  It doesn’t really work . . .

This storyline is SO overdone that precisely NO ONE is shocked or dismayed by the prospect of a female protagonist  . . . missing her period.  Hey writers, want to REALLY scare your kids celibate?  Give your television characters crabs. 

That will permanently glue your teen’s legs shut for sure!

2) “OH NO!  You killed .  . . what’s his name again?” – The Death of the Peripheral Character Plotline

 

The Storyline:  There is this recurring character on your favorite show that has becoming increasingly annoying, of late. 

You can’t quite put your finger on it, but you just think the character really sucks. 

And you can’t wait for him or her to leave your television screen ALONE! 

You spend WAY too much time bashing this minor character on online message boards, and in snarky recaps of the show.  In those messages, you may or may not beg the show’s writers for said character’s untimely demise. 

Then the character actually DIES. 

And you’re secretly happy that you got what you wanted. 

But NOW you’re convinced you are very sh*tty person.  Because, REALLY, what kind of nice, normal person is HAPPY when someone dies, real or fake?  Even though very few of the characters on your show seemed to like this character any more than you did, while he was alive, they all make a big show of mourning and /or having a funeral for him or her.  

Your favorite character will inevitably give the eulogy for this character.  And it will be all warm, and fuzzy, and heartfelt . . . and, of course, totally depressing. 

And YOU will surprise yourself by crying like a baby when you watch it (probably out of guilt for openly hating the character so much . . . or . . .  maybe the scene just reminds you of a dead relative).  After the episode airs, the show’s entire cast will COMPLETELY forget that this dead character ever existed . . .

Examples: Scott on 90210, Abby on Dawson’s Creek; Rick on Degrassi: The Next Generation, Johnny on The O.C., that dude Serena supposedly “killed” on Gossip Girl, Percy and Reed on Grey’s Anatomy (not technically a teen show, but still . . .), Vicki on The Vampire Diaries

Why it’s a cliche?  The “Very Special” Dead Person episode of any teen show is sure to be a ratings grabber, no matter how unlikeable the soon-to-be dead character was before he met his demise.  Plus, killing any character on their show (even if it’s just a one-episode guest star) allows producers to run that oh-so-original . . . “SOMEBODY WILL DIE!” promo the week before their episode airs, and you know how ALL producers LOVE that promo! 

3) “Hot for Teacher!” – The Inappropriate Student / Teacher Relationship Plotline

The Storyline:  The protagonist has a crush on his or her very attractive (yet obviously lonely, and very desperate), teacher. 

The teacher makes a lame ass attempt to rebuff the protagonists affections, but fails miserably. 

Soon the student and the teacher are doing the horizontal mambo together in secret. 

Someone always finds out.  Someone always exposes them for the sluts they both are. 

It always ends badly . . .

Examples: Pacey and Miss Jacobs on Dawson’s Creek, Paige and Mr. O on Degrassi: The Next Generation, Dan and Miss Carr on Gossip Girl, Aria and Mr. Fitz on Pretty Little Liars

Why it’s a cliche?  Forbidden love is HOT!  And cougars are all the rage!  Plus, who HASN’T had a crush on one of their teachers and indulged in a naughty fantasy, or two (or twenty) involving same? 

 Mine was my freshman history teacher in high school.  He was pretty young, compared to most of my teachers at that time . . . probably in his mid-to-late twenties . . . and single.  Actually, he kind of looked like this . . .

 . . . only he was a wee bit older . . . and he generally wore shirts (unfortunately).  Coincidentally, Mr. Devlin, if your reading this . . . 😉

4) “Cheaters never win, and winners never . . . whatever.” – The Cheating on a Test / Plagiarism Plotline

Storyline: The protagonist REALLY needs to pass a particular test or ace a certain paper.  He or she is under a lot of external pressure to do so. 

 But something happens, so that he or she doesn’t have time to do the appropriate amount of studying and /or research.  He or she is tempted, upon receiving answers to the test or a pre-written paper, to . . . CHEAT!

The protagonist struggles with whether or not to enter into the dark evil world of “school crime,” but ultimately does. 

Because the character cheated, he or she does so well on the test or paper that his teacher inevitably wants to enter him or her in some national competition of some sort related to the aforementioned paper or test.  Smothered by guilt, the character eventually comes clean.  He or she then gets in trouble . . . 

But not in nearly as much trouble as the character would, if caught, in . . . say . . . the REAL WORLD . . .

“It can’t possibly be worse than when I got that awful haircut . . .”

Examples: Felicity on Felicity, Andie on Dawson’s Creek, Rusty on Greek, Lindsay and Daniel on Freaks and Geeks, Spencer on Pretty Little Liars

Why it’s a cliche?  One word:  schadenfreude.  You see, here’s the thing . . . every teen show has that one uptight overachieving character, who always gets A’s, is super judgmental of all of her “less brilliant” friends, and never seems to do anything wrong.  Admit it!  It’s kind of fun to see tight asses like that crack under the pressure . . .

Make that VERY fun!

5) “I’m gonna do real bad things to you .  . . and make you DO real bad things!”  – The “Bad Influence” Plotline

The Storyline: Our protagonist is going through kind of a “rough patch” in his or her life.  He or she is therefore looking to let loose, and have some sort of emotional and/or physical release.  In walks a character who is fun, adventurous, and more than a little dangerous. 

Our protagonist starts hanging out with the “dangerous” character a lot. 

(Click the internal link to watch!)

Before you know it, he or she is behaving just like the “dangerous” character, and getting into all sorts of trouble as a result.   

 The protagonists other friends are jealous of all the fun their typically boring protagonist is now having.  But they are also worried.  Inevitably, the moment comes when protagonist is about to get into a cr*p load of trouble with the “dangerous” character. 

 The friends stage an intervention of sorts. 

It works!

 The dangerous character rides away on the evil broomstick by which it came.  All is, once again, right (and boring) with the world . . .

Examples: Abby influencing Jen on Dawson’s Creek, Georgina influencing Serena on Gossip Girl, Damon influencing Caroline on The Vampire Diaries, “The Freaks” influencing Lindsay on Freaks and Geeks, that character Paul Wesley played on Everwood influencing Hannah on Everwood, that character Paul Wesley played on The O.C. influencing Ryan and Seth on The O.C.

Why it’s a cliche?  Everybody’s got a dark side.  Secretly, we all want to be a little “bad” sometimes.  The good news is that we can do it safely and vicariously, by watching our favorite “good” television characters “go bad,” albeit temporarily.  They have fun while doing it . . . and so do we, at least until their lame friends bring them back to earth.

Well, that’s all the teen television cliches I have for tonight.  But please tune in tomorrow, when I tackle love triangles, love-hate relationships, prom, the ever enlightening “trip to Europe,” and, of course, the dreaded ski trip  .  . .

Go Greek! (It’s Guilt Free!)

Here is yet another blog post where I try to use my admittedly limited influence as a blogger to convince you to watch a fun-filled and entertaining television show that you may be missing because (a) it is not found through the usual channels (i.e. ABC, NBC, Fox, CW, HBO etc.); and (b) it is not particularly well advertised.  Now in its third season, Greek airs at 10 p.m. on ABC Family (during the last hour before the channel goes all scary religious).

If you’ve ever read this blog before, you probably know by now that I LOVE my one-hour high school teen dramas.  However, on occasion, I do experience some feelings of guilt and generalized perviness for crushing on / drooling over the 16-year-old male characters featured in them (the fact that some of these characters are played by actors who are actually my age helps a little bit, but not enough . . .).  Therefore, I was understandably pleased to find Greek, an hour-long dramedy with all the relationship drama, good humor, and soapy goodness of a teen show, but with characters that are universally LEGAL!  (A majority of the “Greeksters” are now in their senior year of college.)

Most of us are even old enough to drink without fake IDs!  Pretty cool, right?

Like Freaks and Geeks, a show I discussed in an earlier posting, Greek features, as its main characters, an older sister and her socially awkward, slightly nerdy, younger brother.  In the Pilot episode,  older sister Casey is a junior at the fictional Cyprus Rhodes University and an up-and-comer in her elite sorority, Zeta Beta Zeta.  She fears that the entrance of her geeky brother, Rusty, into the school as a freshman will cramp her style and spoil her painstakingly crafted reputation.

On the surface, Casey may look like the typical 80’s movie cliche, a pretty, popular, and vapid sorority girl.  And, yes, Casey is pretty and popular.  However, she is also smart, snarky, goofy, and insecure enough to be a truly likeable and relateable character.  Plus, Casey and her friends make up only half  of the show.  Rusty’s attempts to juggle a full load of engineering classes with his fraternity duties as a Kappa Tau, AND maintain a romantic relationship, add an entirely distinct and quirky level to an already enjoyable hour.  Rusty’s best friend, the uber religious and ultra nerdy, Dale, is, surprisingly, one of the show’s funniest, most unique, and best-written characters.

Of course, this wouldn’t be a teen/young adult dramedy without a love triangle.  Throughout the series we root for Casey, as she struggles to choose between wisecracking slacker Cappie, and spoiled rich kid Evan.  The fact that these two guys just so happen to be presidents of rival fraternities only serves to exacerbate matters (and make them more fun!)

Sure, Greek isn’t exactly the most realistic portrayal of the college experience (for that, Netflix the DVD for the too-soon-canceled Undeclared).  Even the hard-boozing KT frat guys look just a tad too pretty and well-dressed to be cash-strapped college students.  Plus, this is ABC Family, so there is not nearly as much sex and shirtlessness as there should be for a college show.  Nevertheless, Greek will undoubtedly  bring you back to a time in your life when your most pressing issue was whether the boy you liked would ask you to formal.  For that reason, it is definitely worth a try . . .