Tag Archives: September 15

A Fine Day for Misbehaving – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Disturbing Behavior”

[ Brief Note:  Recaps for Gossip Girl’s “The Jewel of Denial” and a Boardwalk Empire’s “A Dangerous Maid” should both be up on this site before Midnight, U.S. Eastern Standard Time.  This is what I get for trying to write two recaps at the same time, as opposed to being smart PATIENT, and just choosing one . . .  I blame Chuck Bass and his adorable new puppy, Monkey, of course. ;)]

 

Damon .  . . you’ve got a little something on your face.  I’m just going to lick it off, OK?  You don’t mind, do you?

Reverse psychology . . . it’s the notion that the best way to get someone to do ONE thing is to make him THINK that you want him to do something else.  Parents have been using this strategy to manipulate their teens for CENTURIES.  Why?  Because it works.  Simply put: teens like to rebel.  It makes them feel more grown-up, independent, and, of course, BAD ASS . . .

Now, THAT’S what I call Bad Ass.  I miss you, Elijah! 

This week’s episode of The Vampire Diaries was all about rebellion.  There wasn’t a single character on the show, who wasn’t trying to rebel against SOMEONE’S unreasonable expectations of them.  It’s just too bad more characters aren’t adept in the use of reverse psychology.  If they were, I suspect things would have gone a lot smoother for our friends from Mystic Falls . . .

“Sure, NOW you tell me . . .” 

Let’s recap, shall we?

(P.S. Special thanks, as always, go out to screencapping genius that is my good pal, Andre.)

Wake up!  Time to Shop!

“If I don’t see tents in your pants, I’m not buying it . . .  Well, actually, I only want a tent in Stefan’s pants.  If my brother gets a tent, I might puke up that security guard I just ate.” 

Original Vampire Rebekah has been napping for ninety years.  So, of course, as soon as she wakes up, she wants to go shopping.  (I would probably prefer to catch up on all the good television I missed.  But that’s just me . . .)  In a scene that’s mildly reminiscent of the Shopping Sequence from Pretty Woman, Rebekah tries on dresses from some swanky Chicago store, while Klaus and Stefan get Day Drunk on champagne, and take turns patronizing her, for sh*ts and giggles.

“These champagne glasses are AWESOME!” 

Rebekah is a bit of a “fish out of water” here, having missed out on the modern day joys of trance techno music and short slutty dresses.  It’s a bit ironic  to watch a girl who likes to eat people in public for fun exhibit moral indignation at the concept of wearng a dress that lands above the knee.

Klaus glibly remarks that people wore pant suits in Rebekah’s day, so that women could dress like prostitutes today.  But, honestly, the dress she had on was NOT that short . . . In fact, considering that Rebekah’s last memories stem from the Age of the Flapper, you would think that she’d have seen much shorter dresses in her first life time . . .

But hey, what do I know?

The last time Rebekah saw Stefan, the pair were LOVERS.  They were SUCH MAJOR LOVERS, in fact, that the Original Vamp was willing to defy her psychopath older brother to stay with Stefan.  So, understandably, she’s confused and a bit hurt by Stefan’s seeming indifference toward her.

Hey Rebekah . . . I have some reading material I think you might enjoy . . .

“I can always tell when you’re lying, Stefan,” Rebekah pouts, when Stefan boredly informs her that the dress she is wearing (which is AWESOME by the way . . . seriously, where can I get myself one of those?) is simply “nice.”

“I’m sorry.  I’m currently only capable of being turned on by women who look like Nina Dobrev.  Perhaps if you put on a brunette wig.”

Ummm . . .  actually Rebekah, EVERYONE can always tell when Stefan is lying, because he’s an AWFUL LIAR.

The only one who can’t seem to tell is Klaus.  And I’m pretty sure that this is because Klaus is secretly madly in love with Stefan, and, therefore, fully incapable of seeing his faults kind of like Elena.

Speaking of Stefan’s Fan Club the Original Vampire Brother/Sister Duo, currently, neither of them seem to have any idea, that Stefan regifted Rebekah’s much-coveted Magical Necklace to his last girlfriend, the decidedly not dead Elena.  And Elena, despite having been told, in no uncertain terms to F*&K OFF by Stefan, is still, at this very moment, wearing the damn thing . . .

Coincidentally, I’m pretty sure I saw the exact same necklace selling for $10 at Target, this week. 

Having already undoubtedly been forced by Elena to watch Pretty Woman about 85 times (He says he loves the Cinderella story, but secretly he just likes to ogle a 20-year old Julia Robert’s rack), since they started dating, an EXTREMELY unimpressed Stefan rushes outside for some “fresh air.”  It is there that he runs into a VERY familiar face . . .

“Stefipoo, I see you!” 

“Oh, I forgot, you’re ‘bad’ now . . .

I’m pretty sure that the only difference between Ripper Stefan and Good Stefan is that Ripper Stefan uses more gel in his hair . . . 

I’ve come to the conclusion that, despite Klaus’ assertions to the contrary, Stefan’s great LOVE of Rebekah wasn’t nearly as EPIC as Klaus or Rebekah would like to think it was.   After all, there’s really no love, like your first love . . . or like the love of the girl who looks just like your first love.

The minute Stefan encounters Katherine on a busy street corner, sparks begin to fly.  Katherine is doing that smirky thingy she always does when she’s being extra special flirtatious.  And Stefan is grinning from ear-to-ear, and has suddenly, and mysteriously, become a VERY CLOSE TALKER.

This time around Katherine actually seems kind of worried for Stefan’s well-being.  (My, the tables sure have turned, haven’t they?)  She knows all about the Tale of the Phantom Necklace, and hopes Stefan has a more devious plan for getting it back, than merely playing hard to get with Rebekah, so that Rebekah will become insecure of Stefan’s love for her, and sell out her brother, so that Stefan will “like her better.”  Here comes that reverse psychology . . .

(By the way, judging by the turn of events at the end of the episode, did anybody else wonder whether Katherine’s and Stefan’s surefire “plan” to attract members of the opposite sex was something that Katherine used on Damon, back when she rejected him during “The Return?”  If so, the only thing she got out of it was the Jeremy Neck Snap Incident . . . just sayin.’)

Stefan cockily claims to actually have a more advanced plan.  But, since he is a Salvatore, it seems genetically predetermined that whatever his plan is, it will almost undoubtedly suck royally.

Sorry, Damon.  But you’ve got to admit that I have a point. 

Not that this matters.  After all, the mere hint of a diabolical plan to defeat Klaus, once and for all, is enough to practically give Katherine an orgasm.  She wants IN and she wants in NOW!  But Stefan’s not having it . . . at all. Talk about playing hard to get!

A clearly jealous, and now, pouty, Katherine has some parting messages to leave wth Stefan.  “Watch out for that sister [Rebekah].  She’ll RUIN YOU,” the first Petrova Doppelganger tells the younger Salvatore Brother.  (It’s funny you mention that, Katherine, because Klaus said the same thing to Stefan, back in 1920.)  Could this possibly be an example of FORESHADOWING?

But you know Stefan, he’s “bad” now.  And, Bad Guys don’t listen to reason.  “I’m glad to know you still care,” Stefan says with a smile, throwing Katherine’s own words, from the beginning of the conversation right back in her face.

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Oh yes, Stefan, she DOES care.  And in about 30 minutes, you are going to be VERY relieved about that fact . . .

Meanwhile, back in Mystic Falls . . .

Sexy Kitchen Times with Delena, Part II: Electric Boogaloo

Who knew talking about “chili” could get you so hot?

Back in Season 1 of The Vampire Diaries, one of my first, and fondest, memories of Delena flirting was a now-iconic kitchen scene, in which Damon was joking with, teasing, and just generally rubbing all up on Elena, as the pair did dishes, following a Gilbert Family Dinner.

We got another taste of that this week.  And, if I’m not mistaken, it’s probably the FIRST TIME we’ve seen Elena smile ALL SEASON!

You see, this episode’s Mystic Falls’ Event of the Week, is nothing more than a LAME party at Tyler Lockwood’s house.  Seriously?  Couldn’t they be a bit more creative than that, like holding a Mystic Falls Bacchanal, or something of that nature.  I suspect Damon Salvatore is the kind of guy that could really be down for a Bacchanal . . .

Despite the fact that the ENTIRE TOWN seems to be invited to this damn thing, it’s also apparently a Pot Luck Lunch event.  So, Elena has decided to bake chili, in its honor.  And because all vampires (despite not having the need to eat) generally have manificent culinary skills, Damon is at her house, helping her find her G-spot do it. . .

“EVERYONE brings chili to these things,” gripes Damon.

But Elena is insistent on her choice of “pot” for the pot luck.  “It’s a Gilbert family recipe,”Elena retorts with pride.

“I’ve known the Gilberts for years.  And your family has sucky, chili!” Damon replies.

In response to this “devastating insult” to her family’s chili, Elena giggles like a little school girl (a very un-Elena thing to do, mind you), and then proceeds to hip bump / fondle Damon, as the two regard one another with a mixture of amusement and sheer animal passion.

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Now, THAT’S the Delena I remember . . . the one that consists of a smarky Damon, and a good-humored, non-judgmental, Elena. Keep it up, Writers!

Of course, now that Elena is being a less judgmental version of herself, new guardian Alaric has to step in and give Damon the STINK EYE for having the audacity to flirt wth Stefan’s girl.  (That’s funny, because I never considered Alaric and Stefan to be particularly close.  Did you?)

“How come neither of you wants any Chunky Monkey?  I’m starting to feel left out.” 

This, of course, prompts Damon to FLIRT EVEN HARDER, by cleverly remarking that the reason he has not left Elena’s side since the Big Bad Chicago Vacation, is because he’s very much hoping to make sweet, sweet love to her, on top of her kitchen table he fears she will eventually”crack” from Stefan’s recent dumping of her, and eventually come to need sexual psychological help from Dr. Damon.  As proof of this, Damon notes the fact that Elena is still wearing the vervain necklace Stefan gave to her.

“What do you say, you and me ditch Papa Ric here, and go up to my room, where I can show you all the different places you can, ahem, put my necklace?”

(I mean, sure, she DOES need a steady supply vervain to prevent vampire compulsion, given all the undead baddies she finds herself face-to-face with, on a nearly weekly basis.  But she can get that by drinking the lousy coffee from the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.  So, the Necklace Filled with Weepy Now-Possibly Evil Ex-Boyfriend Memories is technically unnecessary.)

With Alaric’s jealous angry eyes on him, Damon whirls Elena toward him and tugs on the vervain necklace, so that the pair only have the thin piece of silver between them.  The move is a GOOD one.  And it, clearly, has an effect on Elena, who can’t seems to stop staring at Damon’s mouth (which she REALLY wants to kiss), or his chest, (because she REALLY wants to rip off his clothing.)

Nicely played, Damon, my man .  .  .

Speaking of males and females that not-so-secretly want to bone one another . . .

What, no Ghost Sex?  I feel robbed . . .

“He looks so peaceful.  I wonder what he is dreaming about?” 

“OH!  Cool!”

Jeremy Gilbert is lounging around in bed, having a wet dream about his dead girlfriend Anna, when POOF, she appears in bed next to him.  Now THAT is the coolest super power EVER!  Unlike the past few episodes where Ghost Anna merely stares at Jeremy moonily, utters some words of warning about Vicki, and blinks out of existence, this time, Anna actually TALKS to Jeremy.

“You have no idea how glad I am to see you.  Heaven has NO hot guys, whatsoever.  I guess they all end up in Hell.” 

Jeremy subsequently responds, and the two actually have an EXTENDED conversation . . . one that probably makes Jeremy sound TOTALLY schizophrenic to anyone happening by his room, at the time.  It turns out, Heaven, or wherever the heck it is that Anna ended up, is TOTALLY lame and boring.  And so, my personal favorite of all of Jeremy’s girlfriends, both alive AND dead (The chemistry between these two is really smokin’) is thrilled to have a lover on Earth, who can hear her, and possibly even satisfy OTHER needs she might have  . . . ahem.

So, everything is going absolutely great . . . until Bonnie has to return from her Summer Away from Mystic Falls, thereby ruining Ghost Sex for the rest of us.  Gee thanks, Bonnie . . . or should I say, the Wicked Witch of the Cockblock.

“That man-stealing, B*tch!  I am so going to haunt her ass.” 

On their second meeting Jeremy gets a bit more information, both about why Anna keeps stalking Vicki. (“Everytime she appears, I sense a darkess in her.  I’m worried for you” . . .)

Umm . . . I think I know where that “darkness” came from . . .

. . . what causes her to appear, (“I can only appear when you are having sexual thoughts  thinking about me, and are open to it.”) . . .

“You know what they say about guys with big hands . . .”

. . .  and what sort of fun things they can do together, now that she’s back.  (Despite the fact that Anna is a ghost, Jeremy finds that he can FEEL her touch — OH HELL YES!)

HANDGASM!

Unfortunately, Jeremy starts to feel slightly guilty, when Anna keeps popping up, every single time, he’s with Bonne (who’s relationship reminds me more of brother  / sister than boyfriend / girlfriend, for whatever reason).  And so, after a freak incident, in which, the ghost who Anna claims is Vicki, set fire to a few Bennett spellbooks, putting both Bonnie and Jeremy in danger, Jeremy decides to FINALLY come clean to Bonnie about the whole, “I see dead people,” thingy.

“Actually, I just lent her my copy of The Sixth Sense, and sent her home, so that I could go back to ghost f*&king Anna.”

This causes Poor Anna to begin to fade away, or more accurately, melt, a la the Wicked Witch of the West.  She calls out to Jeremy in tears, begging him not to shut her out of his life, so soon after they both found one another again.  But alas, either he can’t hear her, or pretends not to do so.

“Jeremy!  You have to talk to me!  I can’t go back there!  I keep getting hit on by this creepy witch named Luka.”

No matter . . .  something tells me Anna won’t stay “dead to Jeremy” for long.  And when she DOES reawaken, my Big Dreams for TVD Season 3 Ghost Sex will be promptly renewed . . .

Elsewhere in town . . .

Douchey Daddy Strikes Again . . . Sort of

“Do you think it’s weird that the two of us have the exact same haircut?” 

Renewed besties, Damon, and the artist formerly known as Lizard Forbes, walk together through town, as they make cheesy jokes about Papa Forbes, the Big Gay Right Wing Vampire Racist.  Damon thinks it would be a great idea to kill this BASTARD, who, last week, thought it was a GREAT IDEA to try and BURN HIS OWN DAUGHTER to a crisp, in hopes of teaching her “discipline.”

“Stop it Dad, or I’m going to tell Mom you snuck out to that Celine Dion concert on the first night of your honeymoon.” 

“Liz” is strongly against this idea.  He’s still Caroline’s father, after all.  Plus, she still sort-of / kind-of understands where the guy is coming from, considering, not-too-long ago, SHE was contemplating doing something similar.

“Thankfully, I negotiated a clause in my contract this year, which requires that my character NOT be an evil daughter-killing wench . . .” 

“Just because you and  are on good terms now, doesn’t mean I approve of your [vampire] lifestyle, Liz cautions.

“Is that what you told him, before you two got divorced?”  Damon snarks.

Annnnd the vampires = gay people metaphor cheesy jokes just keep on coming . . .

Down in the same dungeon where Daddy-o was keeping Caroline last week, Liz Forbes is now storing the not-so-proud papa, himself.  Damon does a quick taste test on him to see if he is on vervain.

“Now I can see the resemblance between you and Caroline.  You TOTALLY taste like her.” 

He isn’t.  And so, he compels him to forget everything that happened last week, and simply leave town.

“Peekaboo!  I see you!” 

Sounds good, right?  Well, it turns out . . . not so much.  But more on that later .  . .

Switching Salvatores and “Taking a Beat”

“Coincidentally, if you do plan on boning Damon, I have some GREAT six tips, I’d love to share with you.” 

You know those sitcoms where, for an entire episode, all the supporting cast members tell the about-to-couple couple NOT to couple . . . and then they don’t listen, and decide to couple anyway?  Well, that’s pretty much what this week’s episode of TVD felt like (Though, without the happy desired ending.)

It all started with Caroline wondering whether Elena was switching Salvatores, having noticed a generalized flirtiness and chumminess between Elena and Damon of late.  It makes sense that Caroline, of all people, would be one of the first (aside from Alaric, of course) to notice this, given the equally sexually tense “friendship,” she and Tyler shared, before the pair started boning one another’s brains out.  You can always count on Caroline, not to beat around the bush.

“Come ON, Elena!  We all watched ‘The Hybrid’ episode . . .” 

Elena isn’t quite ready to admit to herself how hard she is clearly falling for Damon (and has been for some time now).  So, she merely continues DENYING, DENYING, and DENYING (at least at first) by claiming that Damon has just been “helping her, through the whole Stefan, thing . . .’

Yeah, here’s hoping he helps her with whole “celibate, since Stefan left,” thing too, sometime soon . . .

“See how this water runs down my chest and into my nether regions . . . that could be you, if you play your cards right.”

Elena’s wishy-washy initial response aside, Caroline, having not had the best dating experience with Damon in the past, herself, warns Elena about getting involved with him in that way.  Meanwhile, the newly judgy Alaric is in DAMON’S ear, telling him how INAPPROPRIATE his recent coupleyness with Elena has become.  And HE would know.  He sleeps next door to Elena, and probably hears her call out to Damon in his sleep.  (Dreams, don’t lie, after all!)

“Damon . . . try to remember all the good times we’ve had.  Why would you possibly give up this Chunky Monkey for some girl?” 

“I think you should take a beat,” Alaric tells Damon, regarding his buddy’s less than subtle pursuit of Elena.  (Yeah, Alaric now uses phrases like “take a beat,” because apparently, he has temporarily switched personalities with a square guest star cop from some bad seventies sitcom.)  Damon, of course, is super hurt that Alaric wouldn’t trust him to protect Elena, when that’s pretty much all he’s been doing for over the past two seasons.

Well . . . almost all he’s been doing . . . 

Uh oh, Alaric!  You may have just inadvertently sparked a Salvatore Brother Rebellion . . .

“I’ll show him!  Elena, come have sex with me.  NOW!” 

When your necklace starts BURNING YOUR SKIN, and spontaneously combusting, that’s probably a good sign you should THROW IT AWAY!

“My boobs are killing me.  If I didn’t know vampires couldn’t procreate, I’d be really worried I might be pregnant.”

Back in Chicago, Stefan looks on with his incredibly bad POKER FACE, as Witch Gloria tries to spell the location of “Elena’s Rebekah’s missing necklace.”  As she chants, back in Mystic Falls, said necklace starts doing weird crap, like BURNING ELENA’S skin, and floating in the air, and temporarily bursting into flames.  Elena reluctantly agrees to give the necklace to Bonnie, so that she can do a magical witch autopsy on it, and trace it for EVIL BUGS.

“It’s just a hickey guys.  I really don’t know why you are getting so upset over this.” 

Meanwhile, Gloria claims to KNOW where the necklace is, or at least, who has it.  And yet, for whatever reason, she decides to stall for time, telling Klaus and Co., she’ll have the necklace whereabouts for him shortly.  But, for now, they must leave . . .  “You guys are harshing my juju,” Gloria complains.

“Who are you calling a juju?  I was raised Protestant.”

Neither Rebekah or Klaus appreciate being told what to do by a mere witch.  However, Stefan who suspects Gloria might be purposefully holding something back, something that could be useful to HIM, convinces the brother/sister duo to exit stage left.  “Come on.  I’ll let you choose who we eat,” he says.

“And by that, what I really mean is that I will let you stick it anywhere.” 

Apparently, when it comes to bringing people (and vampires) together . . . there’s no tool quite as powerful as drained corpses food .  . . aside from sex, of course.

Speaking of sex . . .

Bondage Stefan . . . He’s BAAACK!

“First the Tomb Vamps and now THIS!  What did I do to deserve this terrible treatment?  Oh, that’s right, I’ve MURDERED over 1,000 people.” 

When Stefan excuses himself from eating some chick, Klaus assumes he’s off to “brood” or “write on a wall” or something.  But, really, Stefan wants to see Gloria about the necklace.  This is fitting, because Gloria wants to see Stefan too.

“So many hair care questions to ask . . . so little time.” 

In case it hasn’t been made clear up to this point, Gloria REALLY wants that necklace back.  And she knows that Stefan knows where it is.  And if Stefan won’t give up that information voluntarily, well, she’s just going to have to extract it from him . . . literally . . .

“When the director described this scene to me,  I really thought I would enjoy it more.” 

Cut to the next scene, where Stefan is all oiled up and nakey and strapped down to a table.  (Did a woman or gay man, write this episode?  I THINK SO!)  You know when we first met Gloria, I thought she was going to be on “our team,” because she had flirty conversations with Damon, and cool hair.  Well, I GUESS NOT!

Now, she’s slitting Stefan’s wrist to “collect his essence,” clamping his arms with weird bracelets, to prevent him from healing,  giving him headaches, Bonnie Bennett-style, and lathering vervain all up on his naked chest, porno movie-style.  Yet, despite it all, Stefan refuses to talk . . . And it REALLY sucks that he’s such a terrible liar.  Because such a skill would inevitably come in handy, in this instance.

Plus, as it turns out, Gloria doesn’t actually NEED Stefan to talk, because his “essence” is doing it for him.  (Seriously?  What kind of hippy bullsh*t is that?)  Cue the Stelena MONTAGE!  Now, it’s as if Gloria just watched all the “previously on” parts of The Vampire Diaries episodes, from Seasons 1 and 2.  She knows EVERYTHING .  . . from the fact that Elena is the Petrova Doppelganger.  To the fact that Stefan is pretty much FAKING his friendship with Klaus to protect Elena, to how much Stefan luuuuuuuuuuuves Elena.

“My essence really needs to shut the f*ck up!” 

Well, this is annoying!  So, of course, I cheered when BAMF Katherine STAKED GLORIA’S ASS, and killed her dead.  (Actually, I cheered the fact that Katherine saved Stefan.  I actually felt like Gloria and her bad juju should have stuck around a little while longer.  She was COOL!)  My only complaint, to this effect, was that Katherine didn’t then decide to jump his bones, considering he was all naked and waiting.  But, hey, we can’t always get what we want.  Right?

Well, THAT was kind of anti-climactic! 

Speaking of not getting what you want, Katherine finds just this out, when, after all that, Stefan STILL refuses to let Katherine in on his big bad  Klaus killing plans.  He does give her some crucial information, however,  As it turns out, part of Stefan’s “plan” involves locating the Big Bad Vampire Hunter Klaus seems so very afraid of, and getting HIM to do the dirty work for him.

Now, Katherine has what she needs to start her OWN mission.  So, THERE, Stefan!

Speaking of couples I ship . . .

Forwood Sex Revisited .  . . for about two seconds.

“Why are you wearing red?  I thought we decided we both hated the color red?” 

Perhaps, to apologize to us for the blatant lack of Delena, Kefan, and Jeranna sex we got in this episode, we do get one kind of random, but still adorable Forwood scene, amidst all the vervaining, and necklace grabbing, and hot-chili making.  Tyler comes home all hot and sweaty and red tank toppy from running or football practice or whatever, to find a perfectly coiffed Caroline lying on his bed, patiently awaiting his return.  As it turns out, she’s hiding from her father, who just so happens to be conveniently immune to vampire compulsion, and therefore, hasn’t left town as Damon instructed.  (More on that later.)

“Take me, you Big Bad Teen Wolf, you!” 

I love the wide-eyed excitement on Tyler’s face, when he sees Caroline in his bed, and just KNOWS he’s about to get lucky.

*insert cartoon noise of eyes popping out of head*

Teenage hormones and lupine urges aside, Tyler manages to be the sensitive boyfriend, by listening to Caroline talk about how she STILL loves her dad, despite the fact that he pretty much abused her in the worst way possible, and is a TOTAL asshat.  Tyler knows all about bad dads, and can relate.

He pulls Caroline’s head into his chest, affectionately.  And she breaks the spell, by remarking on how skanky his workout clothing smells.   (Hey!  Nobody’s perfect right?)  Fortunately, the stench isn’t enough to keep Caroline from ripping off Tyler’s tank top and beginning to have her way with him, right on his bed.

That’s one of the things I enjoy so much about this couple, put aside all the werewolf / vampire angst, and you’ve got two surprisingly normal, sometimes smelly, teenagers, who occasionally like to use one another’s bodies as scratching posts. It just doesn’t get much more relatable than that.

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So, of course, Elena calls Caroline’s cell phone, and cockblocks the pair.  “It’s an emergency,” she tells Caroline.

Poor Tyler, I suspect he’s got a really bad case of THESE right now . . .

It certainly wouldn’t be the first time.  And, I suspect, it won’t be the last, either . . .

Welcome to my Poopy List, Elena Gilbert . . . 

Kill Bill? Not if Alaric (or Caroline) have anything to say about it!

Damon had never been too keen on letting that Turd Bill Forbes live, in the first place.   But NOW that he’s vervain immune, showing up at Anti-Vampire Council meetings Uncle/Father John style, and threatening to “out” Damon (and there are those gay metaphors again!), he’s REALLY dead set on eliminating him!

Cue, Judgy McJudgerson Alaric, and his oh-so-annoying pleas to spare Beeeeel’s life.  Yeah, definitely not a fan of Alaric, this week, though I’m glad to see him finally taking on some responsibilities in this town.  More on that later.  Damon, apparently, isn’t either, which is why he KILLS him . . . temporarily, of course.  After all, Alaric still has his Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality, making him immune to supernatural murders, even those performed through natural means, like neck snapping.

So sleepy. 

To say Elena is not pleased with this recent turn of events, is the understatement of the century, “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?”  She exclaims frustratedly.

You’ve been alone with me for practically four episodes and you haven’t once tried to jump my bones.  It’s Alaric, isn’t it.  Clearly, you’re in love with Alaric.”

Damon patiently (well, maybe not so patiently) explains to Elena that he is a VAMPIRE, and that this is the sort of thing that vampires do .  . . well, the ones who aren’t Stefan and Caroline anyway.

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“I may look really mad at you right now, but I still want to take you to my bedroom and give you the ride of your life.”

“That doesn’t mean that you have to act like one,” Elena pouts.

It seems that Elena somehow feels this need to prove to her friends that Damon isn’t the “monster” they claim him to be.  Possibly so that when she inevitably starts dating him, they won’t give her such a hard time.  Say what, Elena?  What happened to “I like you just the way you are?”  (How soon we forget?)

Elena’s short-term memory loss aside.  I actually think it’s a POSITIVE thing for this couple, that Elena obviously has strong enough feelings for Damon to constantly moan and b*tch about every little thing that he does.  Sure, she might be going about things the wrong way, by trying to make Damon into a surrogate Stefan.  But still, if she DIDN’T love him, she wouldn’t care how he behaved, right?

No?  Well, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

“I am not Stefan!  How about you stop trying to turn me into him?” Damon replies, before storming off.

As an aghast Elena glares at the space recently vacated by Damon, as she waits for her not-so-guardian to return to life, Damon enters the Lockwood house, and confronts Bill AGAIN.  They each monologue a bit, not saying too much of interest, honestly, except for the part where Bill says that he’s immune to compulsion (particularly Damon’s “lazy” brand of it”), and that he knows Damon would never kill him, simply because he’s Caroline’s dad.

See what I mean about reverse psychology?  The next thing you know, Damon is sucking on Bill’s neck, like its a tootsie pop.  And part of me is REALLY hoping Damon turns him into a vampire.  Because wouldn’t that be the WORST and MOST FITTING PUNISHMENT EVER!  SERIOUSLY!

“DO IT!  DO IT!  DO IT!  DO IT!” 

Enter Caroline.  She’s mad as hell, and not going to take it anymore.  In a scene that’s highly reminiscent of the first time Caroline caught Damon off guard, and kicked his ass, after learning how he compelled her to be his sex slave, back before she became a vampire . . .

. . .  Caroline literally throws Damon across the room, to get him away from her evil father.

“Did I miss something here?” 

“I’m stronger than you are, Little Girl,” Damon retorts as the too battle it out, or as Damon would call it “girlfight” (There was no hair-pulling involved, unfortunately).

“Yeah, but I’m angrier,” Caroline responds, successfully keeping Damon at bay long enough to shove her bloody arm in her dad’s face to heel him,and get him out of harms way.

Many fans were frustrated by the lack of realism (Yes, we often DO talk about realism on a show about VAMPIRES.  Got a problem with that?) inherent in Baby Vamp Caroline so easily disarming Not-So-Baby Vamp Damon, who’s about a century-and-a-half her junior.  From my perspective, Caroline was able to take down Damon this time for the same reason she so easily took him down, back when she first turned.  Simply put:  She caught Damon by surprise.  And he underestimated her strength.

Though I’m sure Caroline was VERY mad at Damon for chowing down on her sperm donor, I highly doubt this alone would have been enough to secure her victory.  She still kicks ass, though.  . .

In short thanks to the daughter he believes is SOOOO evil, Caroline’s AWFUL father got to live happily ever after.   Ummm . . . yay?

Seriously, though, kudos to Caroline for having love in her heart, even for those who do not show her love in return.  I doubt I could have been as mature as she was, if my dad locked me in a dungeon, strapped me to a chair, stole my jewelry, and tried to BURN me.

Original Rebekah – Vampire Snitch Extraordinaire

Now fully clothed (DARN!), and with Gloria out of the picture, Stefan sneaks off to Klaus’ Dead Family Member Museum, and undoubtedly, begins looking for Elijah, so that he can unstake him, and try to dig himself out of the massively deep hole into which he has dug himself, during the past four episodes.

However, before he can do this, Rebekah finds him.  Stefan tries to charm the girl into giving up information about the vampire hunter.  But, as it turns out, he hasn’t been all that charming since 1920.  (Modern-day Stefan has always had more of an understated, broody kind of charm, anyway.)

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It seems that our Cocky Ripper Douche has genuinely over-estimated the power of his weiner.  No Stefan.  Women you have not talked to in ninety years will NOT betray their brothers, and reveal their deepest, darkest secrets to you, simply because you asked nicely.  I’m afraid most of us girls are a bit more complicated than that.  And Rebekah, apparently, is no exception.

The poo REALLY hits the fan, when Rebekah and Stefan make out, and Beks asks Stefan if he will ever again love someone as much as he loves the supposedly dead Elena, “Eventually,” Stefan replies.

Remember when I said Stefan was a bad liar?  Well, apparently, he’s also not so good at kissing people who he doesn’t believe are his soulmates.  And, as you know, Rebekah can ALWAYS tell if Stefan is lying.  The Bratty Original is crushed at having been played.  So, when Klaus returns to the Dead People museum, Rebekah IMMEDIATELY rats Stefan out for being “against [them]” and asking questions about Big Bad Vampire Hunter Michael (Hallelujah!  He has a NAME!)

“Oh! SH*T!  Well that certainly didn’t go as planned.” 

“Haha, fooled you!”

Now, Stefan is up sh*t’s creek without a paddle, because Klaus will most certainly believe his sister over his FAKE brother.  Klaus lunges at Stefan, with murder in his eyes.

Annnnnnnd . . . then, we cut to commercial break . . .

The End of a Bromance

So, remember how I told you how Caroline became my HERO this week? Well, she did it AGAIN, by confronting Elena about her OBVIOUS romantic attraction to Damon, and seeming inability to admit it.

Elena woefully notes that “[If I do have feelings for him] (which she TOTALLY does), what kind of person does that make me.”  It makes you human, Caroline responds, giving Elena a hug.  OH HELL YEAH, CAROLINE!

Coming soon to a TVD episode near you . . . FOR REAL, this time.

You tell her it’s OK to love them both, because it TOTALLY IS!   (Especially, if loving them both, involves regaling us Delena fans with a HOT (but prime time channel appropriate)  sex scene some time in the future.

A girl can dream, can’t she?  Then, Caroline says goodbye to her father, who’s FINALLY leaving Mystic Falls.  Hopefully for good.  (Good riddens!  I HATE this douchebag!)  Papa Forbes gets a VERY minimal amount of points for actually thanking his daughter for saving his life.  But then, he loses them again, by telling Caroline that because she’s a vampire, she will [never be OK again.]

SERIOUSLY?  Why didn’t Damon kill this douchebag, when he had a chance?

Speaking of Damon, he’s back at the Salvatore Boarding House, trying to make amends with Alaric, by offering him a morning class of bourbon and OJ, from when he comes back to life.  After all, nothing says, “I’m sorry I murdered you in cold blood,” like a Big Ole Glass a booze . . .

“You killed me,” Alaric exclaims.

“You pissed me off,” Damon replies matter-of-factly, as if this should adequately explain away everything.

“YOU KILLED ME!”  Alaric exclaims again, clearly not quite sure whether Damon heard him the first time.

Clearly, Alaric doesn’t yet understand what it means to piss Damon off, despite the fact that Damon has killed him . .  . what . . . 85 times, by now.  (Yes, I’m exaggerating here.  But, I think you get the idea).  Oh, and also, Alaric’s ring is apparently on the fritz. It took him much longer to come back to life this time.

Perhaps, there are only so many times you can use this little Get-Out-of-Death Free card before it stops working entirely.  Or, maybe the more times you die, the longer it takes you to come back.  That sounds a bit like that “universe in balance hoo-ha the witches on this show are always, talking about, right?  Whatever the reason is for this recent Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality Anomaly, if I was Alaric, I’d be more than a bit afraid, right now.

In other words, your Chunky Monkey not be able to get you out of a jam, next time around.

But apparently, Alaric, ISN’T afraid.  He’s PISSED OFF.  And he proves this, by wrangling a position on the Anti-vampire Council.

If someone invited THOSE guys, surely Alaric can come too . . .

But he’s not a Founding Family member, you say?  Well, perhaps, not.  But he IS  Elena’s and Jeremy’s sole pseudo guardian / surrogate Gilbert.  He’s also one of the few folks in Mystic Falls who doesn’t secretly have a supernatural child (at least not one that he knows about), making him a fairly non-biased representative of Team Human.  Did I mention that he has a vampire killing weapons arsenal that would make Buffy the Vampire Slayer blush?

Now, don’t get me wrong, after watching Alaric drink himself stupid, and be depressed (with weird hair) for a couple of episodes, it really is nice to see him buck up and take a stand to help his town.  I just REALLY hope Alaric doesn’t become the new vampire hating Uncle/Father John Gilbert.  We all know how things turned out for him . . .

When One Road Trip Ends, Another Begins . .  .

Elsewhere in Mystic Falls, Vampire Katherine (who must REALLY be wracking up those frequent flier miles), impersonates Elena again to get her precious MAGICAL vervain necklace from Bonnie.  She then shows up at Damon’s door, giving the poor guy the impression that she’s Elena coming to apologize for all her Alaric-murdering judginess.

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“Trouble-in-paradise already?” Katherine inquires with a smirk, when Damon makes moves to accept “Elena’s” apology.

Katherine wants Damon to go on a roadtrip with her, but she won’t tell him where.  I suspect the destination has something to do with this Vampire Hunter Michael of whom Klaus is so petrified.  Girlfriend is even willing to DRIVE, something, which I suspect she doesn’t offer very often.

Feeling a bit rejected by his Mystic Falls pals, of late (and with good reason, considering the episode he’s had) Damon readily agrees to road trip with the OTHER Petrova Doppelganger.

Rest assured, Vampire Hijinks and probably some Car Sex will ensue!

Elsewhere, Stefan wakes up in a truck, to find Klaus homoerotically watching him sleep (No big surprise there.).  Knowing he’s in BIIIIG trouble, Stefan starts yammering out a speedy apology / explanation / lie about the whole “Rebekah thinks I’m about to betray you” thing.  But Klaus doesn’t seem mad at all.  Just amused.

“You look so pretty, when you are petrified.” 

He knows that Stefan is hiding a secret from him.  And that secret is in Mystic Falls . . . which is where Klaus and Stefan are too now, once again . . . having arrived, quite fittingly, just minutes after Damon and Katherine, Stefan’s (and Elena’s) would be saviors have skipped town . . .

RUH ROH!

SLIGHT SPOILER ALERT:

Next weeks trailer looks juicy, and by juicy I mean bitey .  . . specifically Stefan it seems to suggest that Stefan is being forced (possibly by compulsion?) to chow down on Elena’s neck?  Is it to early to predict a DAMON-Y speedy return and subsequent Elena rescue?  All fingers crossed!

You can check out the trailer for “The Reckoning” here:

END OF SPOILER

So, what did you all think of “Disturbing Behavior?”  Was it sufficiently disturbing for you?  Did either Alaric or Tattletale Rebekah get on  your nerves this week?  Are you Team Bonnie or Team Jeranna?

And, perhaps most importantly, are you as ready for Elena to FINALLY switch Salvatore Brothers as I am?  Feel free to sound off in the comment section below.

Until next time . . .

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

The ORIGINAL Vampire Threesome – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The End of the Affair”

-Dating Profile for Klaus, The Original Hybrid-

Aliases: Nicklaus, Nick, Hybrid Dick

Age: Pretty F*&king Old

Turn Offs: People who don’t worship me, plans that have gone awry, prohibition raids, Vampire Slayers with wooden bullets, Were Zombies

Turn Ons: World Domination, Eating People, Rippers, Blood, Destruction, Sharp-Dressed Men, Silly Hair, Stefan Salvatore 

Greetings Fangbangers!  This installment of The Vampire Diaries transported us to a different time and place than we have ever visited before in the series — namely, Chicago, during the 1920’s.  It was an Age of Decadence and Excess in America.  A time when it was just as illegal to drink a glass of wine, as it was to drink blood from someone’s neck, in public.  And yet neither “law” was enforced particularly well  . . . Not surprisingly, the 1920’s was a time when the underworld was ruled by criminals, witches, and, of course, vampires . . .

So fill your glass up to the brim with your lovers’ blood (Mmm . . . yummy!), and raise your glass high.  Because my Lovelies, I daresay Klaus and the Ripper have arrived, which means its probably time to DIE . . .

(Special thanks, as always, go out to Andre for the spectacular screencaps, and the insolentgilbert tumblr for the majority of the fun little gifs you see here.)

“Damon . . . Can You Hear Me Now?”

The episode begins with Damon, looking sexy as ever, as he pours himself a bourbon breakfast of champions in his living room.  The phone rings.  It’s Katherine.

“I’m back, B*tches!”

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She appears to be calling Damon from a payphone, a strange archaic device I didn’t know still existed.  She wonders whether everyone has missed her while she was gone.  And Damon announces, “Nah, haven’t you heard?  I’m head over heels in love with your doppelganger now.  I am SOOOO over you that I don’t even remember your name.  What letter does it start with, again?” that, truthfully, no one has really thought about her since she was gone.

“What are you wearing?” 

Katherine undoubtedly seems a bit hurt by this revelation, but she brushes it off, instead, asking Damon why he hasn’t taken advantage of his current situation, by making a move on Elena in Stefan’s Ripper absence.  (Ahh . ..  Katherine, I always knew you were on Team Delena.  Thanks for feeding some fire to the flame, here.)  Damon brushes off the question, even though we KNOW he’s thinking about it (and will see a little evidence of that later).

Never one to beat around the bush, Katherine then reveals the REAL reason for her call, to give Damon information about Stefan’s whereabouts.  Katherine correctly tells Damon that Stefan is in Chicago with Klaus, who is seeking out his old pal, the witch to try and figure out, why the heck his Hybrid Spell made nothing but loser zombie’s with shorter lifespans than fruit flies.  She also reminds Damon, in a clever little spot of foreshadowing, that one doesn’t live on Earth for as many years as Klaus has, without developing SOME enemies.

It seems EVERYONE on this show is running from something, or someone . . .

This prompts Damon, of course, to wonder WHY Katherine is suddenly being so helpful, and possibly tailing Stefan.  What’s in it for her?

Something always seems to be . . .

Katherine admits that she is “conflicted,” as to whether she wants to help rescue Stefan, and hangs up the phone before Damon can get any additional information about HER whereabouts, or how she knows what she knows.

“I came back for YOU, Stefan.”

Of course, my Kefan / Stetharine heart tells me that Katherine, whether she wants to admit it or not, is doing all this out of love for the younger Salvatore brother. But, of course, I’ve been proven wrong before on this show . . . . many times.  So, who knows?

Meanwhile, in Chicago, Klaus is visiting one of his favorite watering holes, to talk to the resident witch there.  He also secretly hopes that, since Damon used to frequent this bar, himself, back in the 1920’s, seeing the place again, might help to bring back his “Ripper” Roots . . .

The BEST Wake-up Call EVER!

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Given the staunch Delena fan that I am, it should come as ABSOLUTELY no surprise to you that my absolute FAVORITE scene in this episode, was the one where a still-asleep Elena rolled over in bed, and smilingly cuddled into Damon’s chest, her small fist, clutching at the fabric of his shirt, as he stared down at her, mesmerized by her beauty and innocence.

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*insert porn music here*  Come on, Elena, RIP THAT PESKY SHIRT OFF THOSE DELICIOUS ABS.  You can do it!

Of course, then she wakes up, and pretends to be pissed at her future boyfriend for (1) sneaking into her bedroom at 6 am, and (2) pulling such a fast one on her.  (I told you he took Katherine’s advice to heart.)  But that didn’t make what he did any more hilarious or adorable.

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“You must have been dreaming about me.  That would explain the drool,” Damon jokes, delivering his first of MANY great one liners in this episode.

While the bedroom cuddle scene served as a direct inverse to the one in which Elena coddled a dying Damon, in “As I Lay Dying” . . .

  . . .  the scene that followed — in which Damon explains to Elena, that Klaus and Stefan are in Chicago, and they need to leave ASAP, in order to find him, reminded me of “Children of the Damned,” back in Season 1.  You know, the part where Damon barged into Stefan’s bedroom, where Stefan was clutching a post-coitus Elena, in order to tell the pair that it was time for the three of them to retrieve Katherine from the tomb.

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“If I see something I haven’t seen before, I’ll throw a dollar at it.” 

The fact that Damon can now find Elena sleeping ALONE is telling of the future of this love triangle.

Elena, of course, wants to know what brings Stefan to the Windy City.  “Well, he’s not there to visit Oprah,” Damon responds.  (But honestly, wouldn’t it be kind of awesome if he was?  I’ve always secretly suspected Oprah of being a vampire.  I mean, how else would she be able to get everything done that she does?  Clearly, she must not sleep.)

She also wants to know how Damon suddenly has this information.  Not quite ready to reveal that he got it from Katherine, after all, Elena might get jealous, Damon takes the opportunity to deliver, yet another flirtatious zinger, “It came to me in a dream.  I was naked, you would have loved it.”

Oohh Damon, we all would have loved your dream.  But something tells me, Elena would have loved it, especially . . .

Anywhoo . . . more hilarity ensues, as Damon begins rifling through Elena’s underwear drawer (which was also something he seemed to enjoy doing very much, back in Season 1), and pulls out a sexy pair of lacy red underwear, ” Ohhh, put these in the yes, pile, he jokes.”

“Are these mine?  I have a pair just like these at home.” 

Meanwhile, somewhere in Downtown Chicago . . .

Vampire Road Trip – Part 26 (a.k.a. the “Wake up, and SMELL the Ripper, Elena,” World Tour)

We all know that when it comes to Elena, Denial, may very well be an alternate spelling for a River in Egypt, but it tends to run directly through Elena’s bedroom, where Stefan is concerned.  And so, in order to prepare Elena for their next Sure to Fail (They always DO!) plan to save Stefan, he begins by offering her Stefan’s diary for a little “light” reading.  (I hope she’s not one of those girls who get carsick.)

Stefan has girly handwriting. 

It’s ONE book.  And Stefan seems like the kind of guy who writes in his journal everyday, which makes me wonder if Stefan has an organizational format for how he keeps his diaries.  I certainly wouldn’t put it past Mr.  “I Rip Up Bodies” and Put Them Back Together, Because it’s Neat” . . .

Damon cracks me up, by launching into “Stefan” voice, as he reads to Elena about Stefan’s RIPPER RAGE blackouts, and how he wakes up in the morning with women he who he doesn’t recognize (I guess these sexual partners aren’t his victims, because . . . well, more on that later).  Of course, you can count on Damon to comment about Stefan’s SEXUAL escapades to Elena, in order to dig the knife in just a little deeper . . .

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This is not to say that Elena didn’t manage to get her fair share of digs in Damon’s direction, as well . . .

 

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Next stop Stefan’s old bachelor pad, which is a TOTAL dump, as Bachelor Pads tend to be.  That being said, I kind of like the idea of Stefan as a Single Vampire, spending his time in this apartment, getting wasted on booze, eating chicks, and pouring out his heart and soul to his great big WALL Diary.

That’s right, boys and girls.  Apparently, putting his Humpty Dumpty victims back together again, isn’t Stefan’s only serial killer trademark, he also WRITES THE VICTIMS NAMES ON A WALL so that he can remember all the kills.

You know, because Stefan isn’t a “Wham Bam, thanks for being lunch kind of guy,” unlike when he f*&ks you, if Stefan EATS you, you can be damn sure, that he will ask your name first.  I just wonder, how he does this, if he claims to black out, and continuously “lose time,” when he kills, just saying.

Elena huffily wonders what DAMON was doing back in the 1920’s, that he can be so judgy of Saint Serial Killer Stefan.  She suggests snarkily that he helped pave the way for Women’s Lib.  And I actually think that’s TRUE, just not necessarily in the way Elena envisioned it, if you catch my drift . . . 😉

Damon informs Elena that Stefan was a “Cocky Ripper Douche,” (another great phrase to print on a t-shirt, by the way), who Damon had no trouble avoiding while HE traversed the windy city, pretending to be a character in an F. Scott Fitzgerald novel . . .

I also can’t help but wonder how NO ONE HAS EVER thought to search Stefan’s APARTMENT, particularly, when all the high school coeds started dying in his neighborhood.  I mean, think about it, this could have been the start of the shortest Law and Order, SVU episode EVER!

“Amateur!”

Another thing I thought about, when I saw the Not-So-Secret Wall of Weird, was that DAMON had one just like it, back when he was tracking Stefan in “The Birthday.”  I’m starting to think Wall Fetishes is a Salvatore genetic trait . . . after all, they do both seem to like WALL SLAMS .  . .

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(For those keeping score, remember the secret compartment containing the Wall of Weird in Stefan’s apartment, because it’s going to come in real handy later.)

A lot of people (myself included) have begun to get frustrated with Elena these past few episodes, due to her seeming total denial of Stefan’s Ripper Self, and the seeming double standard she holds for both the brothers.

“Are you REALLY going to bring that up again?  Do you have any idea what kind of episode I’ve had?” 

Having given this more thought, I think we can attribute this, at least, somewhat to the Jekyll and Hyde aspect of Stefan’s Ripperism.  While Damon tends to be an all or nothing, show all your cards, kind of ruthless vampire, Stefan exhibits a complete separation of those two parts of himself, partly so that he HIMSELF, can remain in denial of whichever one he currently ISN’T.

This allows Elena to discount how evil Ripper Stefan is, because, as far as SHE is concerned, Ripper Stefan is just some other guy who inhabits Stefan’s body on occasion.  He’s not her actual boyfriend.  Convenient, isn’t it?  Fortunately, by the end of this episode, Elena will be forced to recognize that Ripper Stefan and Boyfriend Stefan ARE in fact just two sides of the same person . . .

Anywhoo, Damon (WHO I LOVE) certainly doesn’t win any intelligence points this week when he (1) leaves Elena alone in Stefan’s apartment, while he searches for clues, knowing that there’s a good chance Klaus and Stefan might return there to get something; (2) tells Elena to come up with a plan on how to Save Stefan, when Elena’s plans always seem to involve (A) failing miserably and (B) almost getting everyone involved KILLED.

But, hey, we get it Damon, love can blind you to the obvious .  . .

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Speaking of love . . . or a SUBSTANTIAL LACK THEREOF .  . .

Here Comes the Sun (and it’s NOT all right with me) . . .

Ummm . . . you know, vampire still DO go to the bathroom. So, I hope you have a chamber pot somewhere in this dungeon of yours  .  . .” 

When we last left our favorite Vampire Barbie, she was shackled to a chair, in a strange, underground dungeon, and coming to grips with the fact that her OWN FATHER put her there!  To be honest, I haven’t decided yet whether the EEEEEVVVVIL Papa Forbes is one of those Wackadoo Religious Zealots, or if he’s just a TOTAL moron.

Listen, can we hurry this behavioral modification thing up?  I’ve got a date to see the new Jennifer Aniston movie, in about twenty minutes.” 

Because, SERIOUSLY, what kind of idiot thinks that vampirism can be cured through torture methods and behavioral modification techniques?

Oh, and  when Papa Forbes told Caroline that he wanted to “Fix Her,” did anybody else, aside from me, hear that Coldplay song in their heads? Anybody?  Anybody?

I guess not . . . 

Speaking of fixing, I know the “vampires are like homosexuals with different eating habits,” concept has always been more of True Blood’s fortay than The Vampire Diaries, but I couldn’t help but get a whiff of it, when Papa Forbes’ notoriously GAY daddy, was trying out his Blood Aversion techniques on his daughter.  Have you guys ever seen the movie “But I Am a Cheerleader?”  Just sayin?

Hypocrite much, Daddy-o?

Sure, there are plenty of vampires out there who feed on humans, because it’s fun to play with your food.  But, when it comes down to it, vampires drink blood because they NEED IT TO LIVE.  They are bloodivores.

“I’m not a DOG, daddy!  I’m not going to PLAY FETCH with you like all your loser boyfriends do.” 

And if they don’t feed, eventually they will weaken, dessicate, and quite possibly, DIE!  So, Papa F (short for F*&KER’S) little “game” of  pouring sun down on a ring-less Caroline’s head for minutes at a time, and then shoving a blood bag in her face, to see if it turned vampy, did NOTHING to curb her cravings, all it did was PISS HER OFF.

“This isn’t what I meant, when I said I’ve always dreamed of being in the spotlight . . . or what I meant when I said I wanted a tan.” 

And trust me, Daddy Dearest, if that was any OTHER vampire, aside from the calm and NON VIOLENT Caroline, he or she would have EATEN YOUR FACE so fast, it would have made your chewed up head fall off.  Now, THAT would have been good television!

Aside from the fact that this WAS her own father doing this to her, part of what made this scene so emotional was how docile Vampire Caroline was the WHOLE time it was happening.  It was almost as if she was accepting and understanding why her father was doing this to her, which was so sad, and so wrong, on so many levels.  She kept tearfully apologizing to her dad for NO GOOD REASON . . .

She was also pleading with him . . . explaining to him that he cannot fix her, and doesn’t NEED to fix her, in between bouts of excruciatingly painful sun exposure.

Kudos to Candice Accola for pulling off such a mixture of fear, frustration, angst, and depression, in these undoubtedly extremely difficult scenes to shoot.

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“I know.  I’m awesome.”

As bad as things got for Caroline, she needn’t have worried, little did she know that just as she was entering her darkest hour, her soon-to-be boyfriend was busy rallying the troops, bravely confronting Lizard Lizard Liza . . . dammit . . . I can’t call her that anymore, in light of how this episode went down!

I literally raised my first in triumph, when Papa Forbes emerged from Caroline’s dungeon at night fall, only to find himself staring down the barrel of his ex-wife’s gun.  “She’s our daughter,” Liz explains.  (I’m glad SOMEBODY noticed).  “Let’s not do this .  . . not because she’s our daughter, but because we love her.”

Liz promptly disarmed Bill, by shooting him, I believe in the leg.  Then out popped the red-shirted Tyler, who at Liz’s prompting used his werewolf-strength to easily break down the dungeon door, rush in, and break apart the shackles confining Caroline’s hands and feet.  And we all know how much Caroline and Tyler like S&M right?

Too soon?

Caroline is so weak from having spent the entire emotional day in a room where vervain seeps through the walls, and don’t even get me started on the whole SUN THING.  And so, she barely registers Tyler’s rescue of her at first, except to call out his name.

“We really have to stop meeting like this.” 

That said, there’s this really adorable moment, where Tyler is about to lift up Caroline to carry her out of the dungeon, and she instructs him to recollect her sunscreen ring, which her father had thrown across the room.  This puts Tyler in the position of having to KNEEL before a seated Caroline, and slide the Sunscreen Ring on her finger.  A goofy embarrassed look is exchanged between these two new lovers, upon realizing what they have done.  But then Tyler snaps out of it, carefully scoops up the wounded Caroline, and delicately carries her back OVER the threshhold toward the comforts of home  . . .

Talk about deja vu!  Once again, we have a depressed Caroline, recovering from a day of vampire-directed torture.(Girlfriend NEEDS a self-defense class, stat!)  Last time this happened, Caroline had Stefan and her girlfriends to help her cope with the pain.  This time, her mother is there, sitting on the edge of her bed, and feeding her a blood bag to help her regain her strength.  OK . . . so Lizard (I’m going to use it here.  But only for this one sentence) loses MAJOR points in my book for trying to justify her ex-husband’s painfully abusive actions to his having been “raised that way,” i.e. to believe vampires are evil.

Aside from the fact that violence toward your kid, should NEVER be condoned, no matter what.  I find it confusing that, assuming both Lizard, Carol and Bill were raised to believe that vampires were monsters who POSSESSED human bodies, once the REAL human soul died, what made Bill think he could HELP CURE Caroline in the first place?  It just doesn’t make sense.  Nevermind the fact that Caroline’s non-violent actions in this awful situation were proof positive that she does not pose a danger to Mystic Falls . . .

At least Liz fesses up to her own formerly murderous feelings toward her daughter here, noting that Caroline taught her an entirely new way to view vampires, and that, one day, her father would come around to this way of thinking as well . . . hopefully . .

Speaking of danger, Liz (see?) gets back in my good graces, by letting Tyler visit Caroline alone in her bedroom, despite the fact that its quite obvious from looking at these two, that they have had sex together.  I love Tyler’s facial expression as he enters the room.  It’s a perfect mixture of sadness, upon seeing Caroline’s depression and pain, up close, relief at her safety, and pure unadulterated love.  Kudos to him for lightening up a dark moment (and taking the words right out of our mouth), by teasing Caroline for the Walk of Shame that, when you think about it, got her into this mess to begin with.

“Would now be a good time to give you crap about sneaking out on me, yesterday morning?” He snarks cutely, before crawling into her bed, and cradling her as she finally allows her true emotions to come to the surface, an aspect of the Forwood relationship I’ve enjoyed since the Coed Naked Couch Cuddle, back in the Season 2 finale.

As Tyler hugs Caroline close, and runs his fingers through her hair, Caroline cries, “My father hates me.”  (Oh man, did I start bawling during this scene.)

Tyler, who, himself, is no stranger to paternal abuse, doesn’t say anything in response to this comment.  He doesn’t need to.  Instead he just continues to hold Caroline . . . silently reminding her that she is not alone.  And that HE will continue to stick by her, no matter what.

All together now . . . “Awwwwww.”  Meanwhile, in other “couples, news . . .”

Klaus and Stefan .  . . The RED Hot Love Affair Begins . . .

Over at the bar called Gloria’s a witch (NOT A VAMPIRE), who was a alive in the 1920’s, and is miraculously no older than 40 today . . . you know . . . because of a crapload of plastic surgery spells and stuff, tells Klaus that the only way he can figure out what went wrong in his little Hybrid spell is to “contact” the ORIGINAL WITCH who cursed him in the first place.  Fortunately (well . . . actually UNFORTUNATELY, since we all already have a pretty good idea as to why the spell didn’t work), Gloria agrees to help Klaus contact the “Original Witch,” provided Klaus get her The Necklace, last seen around “Rebekah’s” neck.

“Rebekah’s a little preoccupied,” Klaus notes causually, in, what we learn later, will be the understatement of the century.

Meanwhile, Stefan is making drinkings behind the bar, when he finds a picture of himself in 1920, with his arm around his current boyfriend Klaus, who he doesn’t remember meeting before Season 2.  Well, isn’t that weird .  . . (Then again, as we learned from Stefan’s diary, heDID have a habit of not asking the names of his sexual conquests.)

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Perhaps, he should have kept a separate Sex List on his Wall of Weird, so that he could relive THESE experiences as well . .  .

Uh oh . . . I sense a FLASHBACK coming on . . .

We’re in the 1920’s now.  And I have to say that the production values on this episode are rather impressive, especially considering that all of it was done on a CW budget, as opposed to say a Boardwalk Empire one . . .

Stefan’s snacking on a flapper chick in the backseat of a car, and manages to take her rose as a souvenir before entering Gloria’s bar.

“Was it as good for you, as it was for me? ANSWER ME!  Oh . .. wait . .  . nevermind.”

Apparently, Gloria not only makes a mean blood cocktail for the vampires who frequent her establishment, she also, apparently sings.  This, of course, is a slightly younger version of the Gloria we meet in present day.  Most notably, she lacks the Sinead O’Connor haircut, and take-no-sh*t attitude of her 21st century counterpart.

“Eat your heart out Beyonce . . . whoever the hell that is.” 

Anywhoo .  . . Stefan apparently rules this bar, like its his dominion.  (I suspect he might even sleep here on occasion, since his apartment is such a dump.)  Gloria even stops her singing to say hello to the Cocky Ripper Douche, who seems, in the 1920’s at least, to be acting a bit like . . . well . . . like Damon.

Love is in the air at Gloria’s and Stefan literally walks into an attractive blonde, who in alternate universes was known for both being a mermaid, and one of Emily’s MANY lesbian girlfriends on PLL.  The attraction is obvious and immediate, most notably because this woman is a vampire.   Her face gets all veiny, as she smells Dead Lady on Stefan’s breath, and you just KNOW it turns her on.

“I love the smell of chewed intestines in the morning.”

As most spectacular relationships on this show do *cough Delena cough,* Stefan’s and Rebekah’s (yes, that’s her name), and even Stefan’s and Klaus’ (as we will see in just a bit) begin with flirtatious love/hate banter.  We see Rebekah bitching at Stefan and his buddies for being TOO LOUD in the bar.  (Really, Rebekah?  How prissy ARE YOU?)  She also refuses to tell the Cocky Ripper Douche her name, until he EARNS it.

Wanna know how he earns it, by eating off the same PLATE as Rebekah.  And by “same plate,” I actually mean THIS . . .

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That’s right, Fangbangers, you’ve heard of Public Displays of Affection, but Public Displays of Cannibalism take romance to a WHOLE OTHER LEVEL apparently . . .

We notice immediately that Rebekah appears to be wearing the prized vervain necklace that Elena is perpetually losing so that Damon can sexily put it back on her neck . . .

At first, I thought it was SUPER CREEPY that Stefan gave his OLD girlfriend’s prized necklace to his NEW girlfriend, no matter how many decades apart they were.  (Then again, this is the guy who dates two women who SHARE THE SAME FACE.  So, what do you expect?)  However, later we will learn that Stefan’s accumulation of that necklace is much more innocent than one would initially think.

Oh, and did I mention that Elena’s necklace has MAGICAL POWERS and that all these witches and original vampires want it back for some reason?   I didn’t?  Well . . . consider it mentioned.  Man, if Elena wasn’t in trouble before . . . She’s sure up Sh*t’s Creek, without a paddle now.

Anywhoo . . .  now that Stefan and Rebekah are in luuuuuuuuuve, it’s time for Stefan to meet The Family, or, more accurately, the BROTHER.

Yep . . . Rebekah just so happens to be Klaus’ little sister . . . an ORIGINAL.  And so, now we’ve met three members of the Original family .  . . possibly four . .  . but more on that later.  Klaus is sizing up Stefan and he CLEARLY HAS A BIG GAY CRUSH ON HIM ALREADY AND IS TOTALLY JEALOUS OF HIS SISTER FOR SNAGGING SUCH A HOTTIE isn’t sure he likes what he sees . . .

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“You are right, Little Sister, he does have funny hair,” Klaus remarks, which is TOTALLY true, by the way.

Ahh, see, I’m going to keep calling him Klaus, for the rest of this recap for ease of reference.  However, have you noticed that Klaus seems to change his name every century or so?  Back in 1492 Columbus sailed the Ocean Blue  everyone referred to Klaus as the Lord Nicklaus (pronounced NEE-KLAUS).  In present day, he’s just plain, “Klaus.”  And, in the 1920’s, he appears to be “Nick.”

Talk about an identity crisis?  Who the hell are you, DUDE?  No wonder Klaus and Stefan get along so well, they both have Multiple Personality Disorder . . .

But, I digress . . .

During a dinner table conversation, we learn some interesting tidbits about Klaus’ Big Happy Coffin family.  I for one, had always assumed that Klaus was the Black Sheep of the family, due to his “illegitamate child” status, and that he drags his brothers and sisters coffins around with him, as a big ole F*&k You to them for rejecting him.  But according to Rebekah and Klaus, this isn’t the case.  Apparently, there was some in-fighting among the Originals Family (possibly, about whether Klaus should break the curse, and become a hybrid?).  Those who sided with Klaus (like Elijah, and apparently, Rebekah, got to live a little bit longer, and those who didn’t were immediately staked.

Interesting . . .

Back at the interrogation, Klaus wonders what so sexy about Stefan that he deems himself worthy to date an Original.  Though he’s probably hoping Stefan will take this as an opportunity to give him and “Beks” a lap dance at the table, Stefan, instead, does something ruthless.  He compels a couple over to his table, and forces the male of the couple to drink the female’s blood for fun, before ultimately killing him, and, quite possibly, her too.

This, apparently, gives Klaus such a big boner that he immediately wants Stefan for a lover brother-in-law.

You know what else makes Klaus want Stefan as part of his family?  Well, for all his cocky doucheness, Stefan just so happens to be a SPECTACULAR kiss ass.   We see him and Klaus, all buddy/ buddy at the bar table, as Klaus confides in him about how his family all wanted him dead.  “They just don’t want you to be who you are . . . a KING,” slurs Stefan, the brown dripping off his nose, as he speaks.

Feeling bolstered by the compliments, and generous, Klaus takes this opportunity to give Stefan some brotherly advice about dating his sister (which, actually is creepy, on a whole lot of levels).  Klaus basically tells Stefan that eventually Rebekah always leaves her boyfriends, so he shouldn’t get to attached . . . you know . . . “Chicks, man!”

Once again, we get an inkling that Klaus once had his heart broken by a woman, possibly, the Original Doppelganger,  Charlotte Petrova.

Back in present day, Klaus shows Stefan Rebekah’s corpse, and he STILL doesn’t remember this woman, who he supposedly loved so deeply, back in the day.  He also doesn’t remember being such butt-buddies with Klaus, “Why do I only know you as the Hybrid Dick who sacrificed my girlfriend on a Ring of Fire?”  Stefan inquires, as the two have drinks later in the day . . .

Well, there’s more to the flashback, of course . . .

Back in the 1920’s there was a Prohibition-Fueled RAID on Gloria’s bar.  Gunshots ripped through the place . . . but the bullets in those guns were WOODEN.  This causes Klaus and Beks to realize that they’ve been found . . . but by WHO?  Who the heck would be powerful enough to cause TWO supposedly invincible Original Vampires to run scared?  Is this just a vampire slayer, or is it, an ORIGINAL Vampire Slayer? Like . . . say . . . Klaus and Rebekah’s FATHER?  Of course, I’m just speculating here . . .

Whoever it is . . . Klaus decides that he and Rebekah should not just LEAVE the bar, they should skip town completely.  At some point during the melee, Klaus finds Stefan and sadly compels him to forget ever knowing him and Beks (A-HA!)  “I’d forgotten what it was like to have a brother,” he says sweetly, before finishing the job.

(But WAIT . . . what about ELIJAH?  Wasn’t he around during this time?  I’m confused . . .)

Stefan’s compulsion aside, when the time comes for Klaus and Beks to go, Rebekah refuses, claiming that she wants to stay with STEFAN.  (Seriously, this guy must have the BIGGEST WEINER EVER?   How else does he keep getting EVERY SINGLE GIRL, even vicious vampires like Katherine and Beks to drop everything for him?)

I’M HUGE!”

Klaus doesn’t take too kindly to this, and stakes her with that White Oak Ash Dagger, that’s starting to seem less and less RARE the further we get into the story.

Well, THIS picture looks a little incest-y. 

Moments later, Stefan is in a now empty bar, where he picks up Beks necklace, which calls to him somehow, even though he no longer has any memory of its wearer.  And THAT’S how ELENA got her vervain necklace.

So, remember how Katherine said that she used to stalk Stefan throughout the decades?  Well, we see her here, in the shadows, wearing what looks like DAMON’S hair, undoubtedly jealous of the woman who briefly stole Stefan’s heart from her . . .

But wait . . . there’s more to this flashback.  SOMEONE comes to Stefan, and shows him pictures of Klaus and Rebekah, asking for information as to their whereabouts.  Fortunately, for Stefan, he can now truthfully be of no help to this man.  But, clearly, THIS guy is pretty scary, if KLAUS is afraid of him.  He may even be the reason Klaus wants to build a hybrid army to begin with . . .

Stefan questions Klaus about this Mystery Man, but Klaus is all moody, and doesn’t want to talk.  “Storytime’s over,” he says.

He then de-stakes Rebecca, compels the guard to tell her to meet him at Glorias, when she wakes up, and to allow her to feed on him, until he dies.  Such a generous Big Bro!  That Klaus!

Meanwhile, in present day . . .

Klaus Temporarily Loses His Vampire Sense of Smell, and it Saves Elena’s Life

Here’s  some irony for you.  Or, perhaps, it’s just another example of how TERRIBLE Damon and Elena are at Rescue Plans. So, Damon arrives at Gloria’s about the time that Stefan and Klaus, head back to STEFAN’S OLD APARTMENT, where ELENA is, so that  Kaus can give Stefan the same Magical Memory Tour Damon gave Elena earlier in the episode.

STEFAN: “I didn’t realize you and I were close enough, back in the day that I would invite you back to my room.”

KLAUS: *whistles uncomfortably* 

So, while Gloria flirts with Damon, “I always liked you better,” she tells him . . .  (AT LEAST SOMEONE ON THIS SHOW DOES!  I mean, seriously, look at him!  What is wrong with these women?) . . . Elena sits on Stefan’s bed (where undoubtedly, 1,000s of women died / and or got laid) reading in Stefan’s diary about how Lexie pulled Stefan back from Ripperdom in the 30’s.

This makes her hopeful .  . . but the language in Stefan’s diary makes ME a little nauseous.  “Lexie taught me how to LAUGH again.” GAG!

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Fortunately, this installment of Deep Thoughts with Non-Ripper Stefan is interrupted by the arrival of Klaus and Ripper Stefan at Stefan’s old place.  And, of course, you guessed it, Klaus wants Stefan to see his Wall of Weird.  And, you guessed it again, that’s exactly where ELENA is hiding!

“It’s not an episode of TVD, if my life isn’t in danger at least once per episode, right?  It’s a good thing I’m the star, otherwise, I’d be crapping in my pants here . . .” 

Now, we all know how SCREWED Elena is, if Klaus finds out that her LIVING is the reason that Klaus can’t convert his hybrid army, right?

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“Pssst . . . get rid of the old guy, and you and I can have a quickly up against your Murder Victim List.  Now THAT would be hot.”

So, we all hold our breaths, as Stefan locks eyes with Elena, and the two of them share a MOMENT.  Meanwhile, Klaus is . . .  I don’t know jerking off . . . or doing something else plot convenient, so that he doesn’t find Elena YET . . .  Then Stefan, calls to Klaus, and says, “Look what I found,” and that’s the moment I want to REACH INTO THE TELEVISION AND RING HIS RIPPER NECK!

But not to worry, he was just talking about booze.  Stefan let Elena live.  There’s still some humanity left inside him . . . for a few more minutes, anyway. 😉

The Grand (but once again ineffective) Plan

When Damon finally arrives home, Elena rightfully gives him some grief for leaving her alone in Stefan’s apartment, and almost getting her killed AGAIN by Klaus.  In Damon’s defense, he does seem to feel incredibly guilty about this.  But there isn’t really any time to discuss how this makes both of them “feel.”  After all, they have a Freaking Hungry Ripper to catch!

Elena’s Grand Plan is remarkably similar to the one she and Damon enacted, back in Season 1’s “Blood Brothers,” and it worked back then, surprisingly enough.  Elena will get Stefan alone, vervain stake him, and bring him back home.  Of course, unlike last time, there’s a new Wild Card in this situation, and his name starts with a “K” and ends with a “laus.”

That’s right!  Damon has to distract Klaus, while Elena is busy doing her thing with Stefan, and . . . you know . . . not get killed.   So, Elena puts on a sexy purple dress she packed for the occasion, and the two head to Gloria’s, since Gloria said Klaus and Stefan would be returning there that night.

Klaus and Stefan are sitting together at the bar, when Damon appears, and motions for Stefan to come chat with him.  Stefan gets away from Klaus, by saying he needs to drink a human.  Once outside, the Salvatore Brothers engage in their usual family greeting, a Wall Slam.  Once again, Stefan repeats what has become his Broken Record Monologue of “Damon stop following me.  You need to protect Elena, blah, blah, blah.”

“You are the biggest COCKBLOCK ever, and most of the time you aren’t even in the same STATE I’m in.  How do you MANAGE to you manage to do that?” 

Except this time he actually EXPLAINS TO HIM the whole Hybrid business, and why it’s extremely important that Klaus not know that Elena has foiled his 500 years in the making, plan.

That’s what we’d like to know . . . 

Then Damon leaves Stefan to chat with Elena, while he goes inside to distract Klaus.

Stefan Abjures Elena, Damon Develops a Distaste for Girly Alcohol Drinks with Umbrellas in Them

Inside the bar, Klaus cleverly remarks that Gloria’s has opened the doors to all the Riff-Raff.  To this, Damon smirks his trademark smile, does his Eye Thing for Klaus, and tells him that he’s been called much worse.  Klaus is clearly getting annoyed with Damon for not leaving him to play with his new Surrogate Brother / Playtoy Stefan.  But Damon just wants his brother back.

DAMON: “I know you LOVE Stefan.  And that it’s always going to BE Stefan.  But don’t you find me the least bit attractive?” 

Klaus than remarks that Damon seems to have some sort of a Death Wish (which is totally TRUE by the way), before grabbing him by his neck and raising him off the ground.  Klaus then proceeds to prod Damon with those cute little umbrellas bars put in Margaritas and Pina Coladas.  The problem, of course, is that THESE umbrellas are tipped with vervain, and they hurt like a B*TCH!

Despite being in pain, Damon continues to work his angle, offering Klaus to take him as sex slave wing man instead, since he is so much more fun than his brother.  Normally, I’d concur with this statement.  But since I NEED more alone time between Damon and Elena in my life, I’d have to say NOOOOOOOOOOOO to this suggestion of Damon’s.  Klaus then remarks that by the time he’s through with Stefan, Stefan will NEVER want to return to his own life.  And, as viewers, we can’t help but wonder whether Klaus might have a point there . . .

“Bibbity Bobbity BOO!” 

Then Klaus moves on from umbrella stick torture to WOODEN STAKE MADE FROM A CHAIR TORTURE, which, if successful could mean the END OF DAMON . . . and I’m not just talking about an Originals Taking a Nap Type End.  I’m talking about the REAL DEAL.  Fortunately, our Witch Woman Gloria is there to save Damon from certain death . ..  not really because she cares about him all that much, but simply because she doesn’t want to get blood on her recently washed bar floors . . .

Meanwhile, outside, Elena has what at least BEGINS as a heartfelt reunion with Stefan.  ‘You shouldn’t be here,” he says.

“Where else would I be?” She inquires.

“You smell different.  In fact, you smell like Klaus.  Have you been cheating on me?  I really hope not.  I can take your killing thousands of innocent people, while we’re separated, but not your having sex with some dude.” 

Then she rushes to hug him, and he lets her.  For a few moments, they share a gentle embrace, until we see he vervain needle in Elena’s hand.  It’s poised on Stefan’s back.  You ever hear the phrase, “Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me?”  Well, Stefan isn’t about to play the fool here.  So, he grabs Elena’s hand, which is carrying the dart, and twists it so hard he nearly breaks it.

And it’s a BIG DEAL, because it’s the first time Stefan has lashed out at Elena, while being “in control.”  Though he lunged at her in “Blood Brothers,” that was more out of bloodlust than anything else.   This was calculated to SCARE Elena, and it did, but probably not as much as Stefan had hoped.

So, Stefan is forced to be completely honest with Elena, forcing her to hear the things she’s been denying all this time.  He tells her about the bodies he’s left across the East Coast. 

It’s nice sometimes . . . being remembered.

He tells her how last time he fell off the wagon like this, it took him THIRTY YEARS to get back onto it . . . roughly half Elena’s life.  And then, he DUMPS HER, in a practiced way that reminded me a heck of a lot of the WEREWOLF ABJURE we saw in this Season’s True Blood.  Fans of that show can corroborate that for me, I think.

“It’s done,” he says.  “That part of my life is done.  I don’t want to see you.  I don’t want to be with you.  I just want you to go.”

And then Stefan walks away, leaving a tearful Elena to FINALLY face the fact that her first true love may be gone forever.

Poor Damon and Elena.  They both look pretty beaten up, both physically and emotionally, by the time they get back in their car, and prepare to head back home.  Damon might have imagined this day in his head, in the past, and thought he would be elated to have a REAL SHOT at romantic bliss.  But now, he just seems sad that the woman he loves more than life itself is in so very much pain.  “Are you OK?”  He asks Elena, knowing, of course, that the answer is definitely no.

“Just drive,” says Elena stoically, the firm tenor of her voice, belying the tears in her eyes.

And so, Damon does . . .

Back, inside Gloria’s . . .

“Oh, so THAT’S REBEKAH!  Now, I remember!  I think I’ll turn full on EVIL now, thank you very much . . .”

“I just had the strangest dream.  And you were there .  . . and you . . .” 

While Stefan is abjuring Elena, Klaus enters the room where Rebekah’s coffin was to find it empty, and the security guard dead.  Then Rebekah jumps out of nowhere, and surprises Klaus by stabbing HIM with the White Oak Dagger, which would be REALLY COOL and shocking, except for the fact that he’s IMMUNE to it now, being a Big Bad Hybrid and all.

“You knew it wouldn’t kill me,” remarks Klaus.

“I just thought it would hurt more,” responds Rebekah petulantly, like brother, like sister, I guess.

Then Stefan arrives, and Klaus compels him to remember both his love for Rebekah, and his friendship / gay love brotherhood with Klaus.  Stefan’s eyes get all twinkly and starry eyed, and you can tell a MAJOR change has taken place within him.

That there is SOME POWERFUL COMPULSION.

Now, comes the funny part.  Just like a big brother, Klaus asks Rebekah where her necklace is, and scolds her for losing it before he, you know, KILLED HER and stuff.  Then Stefan remembers EXACTLY where the necklace is.  And we can just hope that he’s not far gone enough to sell out his ex-girlfriend . . .

Back at home Katherine and Damon have another flirty phone conversation, where Damon tries to guess where she is, and Katherine doesn’t tell him.  At the end of the episode, we find out exactly where she is and its totally expected shocking.  She’s in CHICAGO, just like her Boy Toy Stefan, of course.

The question IS .  . . what exactly is she planning to do there?

I guess we will have to tune in next week to find out.  So, tell me, what did you think of Cocky Ripper Douche Stefan, his girlfriend Original Rebekah, Hybrid Dick Klaus, and their wild and wonderful journey to the Ripping Twenties?  How about Delena’s morning after bedroom cuddle?  And Tyler’s rescue / wedding foreshadowing scenes with Caroline?  Feel free to sound off in the comment section below.

Until next time . . .

Oh, and P.S.,, here’s the promo for next week’s episode, “Disturbing Behavior,” and I have just one thing to say about it, well, THREE actually (1) Bondage Stefan returns; (2) GO Team Kefan; and, of course, (3) What is wrong with YOU, Elena?  Give the poor guy a break and have sex with him already.

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Lost (and FOUND), Wet (and WILD) – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Hybrid”

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ELENA: *I will not think about the last time I saw Damon’s wet willy.  I will not think about Damon’s wet willy.  I will not think about . . .*

DAMON: “Elena?”

ELENA:  “Yeah, Damon.”

DAMON: “You do realize you are speaking out loud, right?”

Woo!  Welcome back, Fangbangers!  I don’t know about you guys, but I am still riding on the SPECTACULAR HIGH that was watching this episode.  I mean, talk about an hour of television that had something to offer everyone!  Well, unless you’re a Bonnie fan . . .

You like Team Ripper?

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We got some of that!

You’re a fan of Salvatore Brother Bonding?

Yeah . . . we got that too.

Homoerotic Times with Jeremy and Matt?

CHECK!

Team Badass?

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BINGO!

Dysfunctional makeshift families, with weird, yet oddly hot sexual tension?

ON IT!

Tyler defending Caroline’s honor, like a BAMF?

DONE!

Cliffhangers?

SURE!

Stelena hopefulness?

Umm . . . yeah . . . I guess.

AMAZING DELENA MOMENTS THAT ARE BEAUTIFUL ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU CRY TEARS OF JOY, AND SEXY ENOUGH TO MAKE YOUR PANTIES FALL OFF?

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OH HELL YESSSS!

OK . . . as usual, we have a TON to cover. So, chug down your vervain coffee, pack up all your nifty vampire slayer weapons, and don’t forget your beer, bong, or bathing suit. Because, it’s time to go for a little hike with our favorite Mystic Falls’ supes . . .

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(As always, special thanks to Andre for the GLORIOUS screencaps you see here.  Also, I must give a shout out to the BRILLIANT insolent gilbert tumblr.  Whoever you are, you somehow READ MY MIND, this week, by seeming to capture NEARLY EVERY GIF I wanted!  And I love you (in a completely platonic way, of course. I’m saving myself for Damon Salvatore.)

“I’m Really Sorry Your Girlfriend’s Dead, But . . . No, I’m Really Not. Can We Please Talk About Stefan Some More?”

“Hey!  Why are taking down your Stefan Stalker Board?  I was hoping we could play a rousing game of Pin the Tail on the Murder Victim!” 

Ahhh . . . what a difference a day makes.  Around this time, a couple of days ago, the CW released this first scene of the episode as a webclip.  And as a result, Elena and I were kind of in a fight.

“WTF, Recapper?  I thought we were friends?”

I know, I know.  Elena was all MOVED, by her BIG EMOTIONAL PHONECALL with Stefan  . . .

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“Can you hear me now?  GOOD!”

And she REALLY, REALLY wanted to tell her man, Damon all about it, so that they could sit in bed together, and analyze the meaning of it all . . .

ELENA: “So, do you really think he likes me?  Should I ask him to prom?”

DAMON:  “Hmm . .  . I don’t know . . . let’s sleep together on it.”

But, really, I mean, the guy’s girlfriend just DIED, like YESTERDAY, in TVD time!  Soooo . . . a little sympathy might have been in order here.  You know, maybe Damon could have used a big bear hug, like Elena gave him when man-stealer Rose died . . .

Or at the very least, she could have offered up a “Golly gee, I’m sorry for your loss.  It really sucks that my significant other KILLED yours.”  (In her defense, I don’t think she realizes yet that Stefan was actually the one who killed Andie.  Maybe she actually thinks “it’s just a coincidence.”)

At first blush, this first scene looked, more or less, like a carbon copy of the scene that took place toward the middle of “The Birthday,” (which, coincidentally, was also released by the CW as a webclip).  In both scenes, Elena barges into Damon’s bedroom, like a nagging girlfriend (He’s right!  She really CAN’T stay away!)

 . . . and demands that Damon help her save Stefan.  Also, in both scenes, Damon INSISTS that there is no longer a “good” Stefan to save.  In fact, in this scene, Damon takes HIS argument, one step further, by actually BURNING the remnants of his previous search for his brother.

Cute butt alert! 

However, after watching “The Hybrid,” I can now recognize that this scene HAD to kick off the episode, in order to further illuminate the state of mind changes both Elena and Damon underwent throughout the course of the hour . . . Damon, regarding his feelings about whether his brother is actually lost to him forever, and Elena regarding her recognition of her feelings toward Damon.

Needless to say, in light of how the episode ENDED, all is forgiven between Big E and me! 😉

(Of course, I am sure she will sleep much better at night knowing this . . .)

Knock, Knock. (Who’s There?) Girl with the CRAZY Scheme that’s Probably Going to Get Us All Killed . . .

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ALARIC: “You just couldn’t get enough of my Chunky Monkey, could you?”

ELENA: “Wow! Is EVERY male character on this show going to show me his weiner this season?” (All fingers crossed.)

Alaric — is home in bed, a bottle of bourbon at his bedside — sleeping off his morning drunk, when he is awakened by a RUDE, and extremely insistent, knock at the door.

“Last night is still a little foggy.  But I vaguely remember getting an ‘I Heart Useless Aunt Jenna’ Tattoo on my ass . . .” 

Alaric immediately assumes its Damon.  I suspect this is because Damon, like Elena, is known for being a particularly loud “knocker.”  Of course, the homoeroticism seeker in me, can’t help but wonder whether this is because Damon has started to make morning visits to Alaric’s Chunky Monkey a secret habit of sorts . . . 😉

Anywhoo . . . since Damon has declined to play with her, Elena sincerely hopes that Alaric will be her Plus One in this week’s Save Stefan Games.  After all, Alaric has been Damon’s plus one in the Save Stefan Games, since day one.  And together the two have drank A LOT of bourbon learned some valuable information about Stefan’s and Klaus’ whereabouts . .  . like, for example the fact that they are currently tracking werewolves somewhere in Tennessee  . . .

Well, Elena.  I must admit that wasn’t the sort of ‘game’ I had in mind to play with you.  But I guess I’m willing to compromise.”

Initially, Alaric doesn’t seem all that enthused, because he generally doesn’t like to do things without his boy, Damon.   Part of Alaric, might also not believe that Elena’s actually going to go through with it.

“Well, don’t bother getting dressed, on my account, I have walked in on you having sex with my now-dead aunt on numerous occasions.  I’ve seen it all before.”

But then, after Elena leaves Alaric’s place, she meets up with Tyler, who gives her SPECIFIC information about where exactly Tennessee werewolves are likely to SPEND the upcoming Full Moon.

This was a small scene, but one that I hold dear to my heart for a number of reasons. (1) It further illustrates the Elena / Tyler friendship, which I love.   (2) It hints toward the fact that on Tyler’s hiatus from the show month away from Mystic Falls, he may very well have been at werewolf camp, considering his seemingly extensive knowledge of where various packs hang out.

And (3) this is the first time we’ve actually heard Tyler express remorse over accidentally almost-killing Damon with his toxic werewolf teeth, an action which ultimately resulted in the development of Team Ripper, in the first place.   (Sure, Caroline guilted him into this realization.  But it’s certainly a start.)

YAY!  Character growth!

So, now Elena RETURNS to Alaric (who’s now by the bar, of course).  However, this time, she has with a slightly more specific plan and Stefan Hunting Location.  Now, suddenly, Alaric is ALL IN!  “I thought you said I could handle things on my own now?”  Elena teased.

“I meant like frozen dinners, and SAT’s” Alaric clarified.  (Hey Alaric, since we’re on the subject of SAT’S, how about you give me a synonym for the term “negligent.”)

“Let me get back to you on that one . . .”

And so, off head Elena and Papa Alchy-ric on a journey to the Big Ole Tennessee Mountains, where Klaus and Stefan are engaging in a little hiking trip of their own . . .

Hybrid Nation? More Like ZOMBIE Nation . . .

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“Hi-ho, Hi-ho! It’s off to hump eachother make an army we go!”

Mass murder and almost-letting-Stefan-succumb-to-a-nasty-case-of-were-rabies-aside, this was definitely the week that we got to see a softer, more paternalistic side of Klaus.  I mean, sure, part of the Original Were-Vamp was probably just tired of Stefan’s “suffocating broodiness,” and sought to lighten the mood a bit.  But I’d like to think that there was also a part of Klaus that was slightly concerned that carrying an Unconscious Seventh Heaven Guy for miles and miles up the Big Ole Tennessee Mountains was giving the “Rippah” a bad back . . .

Fortunately for Stefan, Team Ripper locates the werewolf pack in relatively short order.  Once there, it is Stefan who garners the groups attention first, by tossing Seventh Heaven Guy’s body on the floor in front of them, a gesture that is immediately read as a mixture of “threat” and “peace offering.”  “Who are you?”  One of the female werewolves, who may or may not be Seventh Heaven Guy’s girlfriend asks.

I love that Klaus’ natural egoism / bratty unloved bastard childness, comes out here, as he poutily demands that the werewolves be asking who HE is, instead.  Honestly, when Klaus uttered the iconic line, “The more important question is ‘Who Am I?,”  I half expected Kristen Bell’s voice to appear in voice over and say, “That’s a secret I’ll never tell.  XOXO.  Gossip Girl!”

Grandiose entrances aside, as it turns out, no introductions were needed, since the same girl who inquired as to Stefan’s identity actually already seemed to know exactly who Klaus was.  “You’re the only hybrid,” she says nervously.

WOW!  I couldn’t help but wonder how this random Tennessee Werewolf knew this.  I mean, is there like some Werewolf Tumblr or Twitter page to which these guys all subscribe to get news updates, as to the new supernatural being in town.  After all, Klaus has only been “the only hybrid,” for a couple of months.  News really must travel fast in Were World.

Tweet me, @BigBadWolf10!

Needless to say,  Klaus is positively THRILLED that he has come to a place, much like the bar Cheers, where EVERYBODY knows his name  .  . . or, if not his name, at least his genus and species.

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It’s time for Seventh Heaven Guy to wake up.  The problem, of course, is that he’s looking a little worse for wear, what with his pale  face, shivering body, and those pesky bloody tears streaming down his face.  (Awwww, buck up, baby!  You’re a special guest star!  This is supposed to be FUN!)

Us TVD fans have become experts in the art of vampire conversion.  So, we know that Seventh Heaven Guy must feed on human blood, in order to complete his transition into full-on hybrid,  or else he will croak.  Fortunately, that female werewolf, who I initially thought was Seventh Heaven Guy’s girlfriend, actually has a human boyfriend, who ends up with the unwelcome job of being BLOOD BANK for the entire soon-to-be-hybridized werewolf pack.

Seventh Heaven Guy — who’s father’s a Man of the Cloth, as many of you know — is initially hesitant to chow down on his human buddy.  But Stefan ultimately convinces the preacher’s son to chow down.  Otherwise, the Ripper warns, he will EAT THE WHOLE DAMN THING, himself (PIG!)

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So, Seventh Heaven Guy gnaws on his friend, thinking he has just done him a solid, by saving him from Ripper Stefan’s Deadly Over-Eating Disorder.  Little does he know that the Poor Pesky Human is about to become a One-Man Werewolf Country Buffet, and, therefore, won’t even survive the next commercial break.  (It’s a real shame too.  Because he was kind of hot.)

Though the werewolves honestly don’t seem all that eager to join Klaus’ Big Bad Hybrid Army (which, so far, seems to have no good reason for existing, other than the fact that Klaus  thinks it’s cool), he eventually converts them all.  And now there’s an ENTIRE FOREST full of shaky pale new baby werevamps with eyes filled with bloody,  leaky tears.

Ahhh  . . . but, therein lies the problem.  You see, once the new were-vamps have fed on human blood, they are supposed to be BETTER, great even!  But these hybrids must have come from the discount store, because they are clearly defective, lumbering around mindlessly, groaning, and more or less, DYING right before Klaus’ and Stefan’s eyes . .  .

“Some Master Race,” scoffs Stefan.

But it turns out that at least ONE of the were vamps isn’t quite as defective as he once appeared.  He quickly takes Stefan by surprise, by suddenly fiercely tackling the just-vampire, and biting him on the arm, in the exact same place where Tyler bit Damon last year.

Kinda looks like a BIG raspberry!

Having seen his brother suffer from were rabies, Stefan knows this isn’t exactly going to be a picnic.  Fortunately, he’s hanging out with an Original Werevamp, the only known carrier of the were-rabies cure, right?

WRONG!  After all, Klaus as we know, is the kind of guy who murders his entire family, and carts their coffins everywhere he goes.  He’s not exactly warm and cuddly.  Quite the contrary, actually.  This is one SERIOUSLY SICK BASTARD.  And this Sick Bastard refuses his supposed partner-in-crime the were rabies cure, UNLESS Stefan can successfully reclaim Seventh Heaven Guy, who has since ran away to parts unknown.

He might not look it in this picture, but I assure you, Hybrid!Seventh Heaven Guy is FAST!

Stefan pouts a bit, but eventually trudges off to find the Lost Camden Brother . . .

“Don’t Trust Vicki. (No Matter How Good of a Dancer She is . . .)

With his sister in Tennessee playing Save Stefan Games with Alaric, and his girlfriend off at Wicked Witch of the West Camp, Jeremy’s a bit bored.  So, he decides to barge in on a half-naked Matt, while the latter is getting ready for work.  (A bit convenient, don’t you think?)

Someone’s been working out since last season . . .

And I’m not the only one who’s noticed . . .

Matt teases Jeremy for being “one of those losers who comes to work on his day off to bang shirtless boys in the backroom.”  But Jeremy has more important things to worry about than whether his new pothead friend thinks he’s a loser.  He wants to play Seance.  And he wants Matt to play with him in more ways than one.

Jeremy explains to a dubious Matt, how, during one of his trademark internet searches, he discovered that ghosts are most likely to make contact with the living when faced with members of their family and their personal affects.  (This reminds me . . . remember, back in Season 1, when Jeremy was just searching for “vampire porn” on the internet, a la Bella Swan?  Good times.)

“Jacob Bella  is HOT!”

Though, initially dubious, Matt reconizes that Jeremy knew a part of Vicki that Matt didn’t necessarily know the slutty sexy part, and decides to direct his new pal to some boxes containing Vicki’s belongings.   Unfortunately, the act of sorting through these belongings ends up depressing Matt so much, that he ends up kicking Jeremy out of the house, right when he’s managed to make directed contact with Matt’s dead sister.

Matt has undoubtedly begun to think that Jeremy is TOTALLY cracked, until “Vicki” knocks over a picture frame containing a picture of the siblings, right in front of Matt.  And, suddenly, he’s a believer.

“IT’S A MIRACLE!”

Cut to later that evening, when Matt comes to Jeremy’s house bearing liquor (hint, hint, wink, wink), and a satchel filled with sex toys Vicki’s belongings.   Before Jeremy even has enough time to utter the words, “Let’s play Strip Ouiji Board,” Vicki appears to him.

And this time, she’s a bit more verbose than she has been in the past, possibly because Jeremy has ACTUALLY decided to ASK her what the f*&k she wants.

“I really just want to dance in my underwear to a Depeche Mode cover band again . . .”

Vicki tells Jeremy that she can be returned to the land of the living, but that she needs Jeremy to help her to do that.  Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you feel about vampire Vicki), the undead-but-now-dead vampire disappears, before Jeremy can get in as much as a word edgewise.  *sigh* Typical ex-girlfriend!

Then BOTH Jeremy AND Matt are startled by the sound of the window breaking.  They assume it’s Vicki again.  But this time it’s Anna.  And she looks PISSED (though, admittedly, that might just be what her perma-ghost face happens to look like).  “Don’t trust Vicki,” Anna warns her former lover.

Watch that brow, Anna . . . There’s no botox in heaven.

Of course, this begs the question of .  . . WHY NOT aside from the fact that she was always kind of a self-absorbed slut, who, in her vampire phase, definitely did try to eat Jeremy for Halloween dinner.?

“So, Basically, I’m a Werewolf. And My Girlfriend’s a Baby Vamp. Does This Mean I’m Grounded?”

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“Honey?   Have you eaten?   Should I get you a dog biscuit, or something?”

Like everyone else in Mystic Falls, Mama Lockwood lately begins every day, with a hard liquor breakfast, laced with vervain, of course.   Tyler heads down the stairs in his bright red, “I just had sex with a vampire” t-shirt, and senses that something is amiss in Lockwood Manor.  “Rough night?”  He asks his mother, nodding his head toward her Drunk Cup.

Why yes, son, I just shot up your girlfriend with a toy Star Trek gun, and locked her in our cellar.  And because I was doing that, I missed my hair appointment.  DAMN THAT B*TCH!”   I’ve just been a bit tired lately,” she says, or something lame like that.

Then, to add insult to injury,  Mama Lockwood has to go and insinuate that Caroline is a PROSTITUTE because she snuck out of the house in the morning, right before being shot without saying goodbye.

To Tyler’s credit, though he’s obviously a bit perturbed by Caroline’s sudden Walk of Shame Escape.  (After all, it IS the Full Moon, and that has become a sort of “ritual” date night for them), he still manages to hold on to his poker face, as he insists to his darling dearest mother, that, NO, his girlfriend is NOT a streetwalker . . .just a bloodsucker.

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Awww!  Now, that’s a glowing compliment, if I ever heard one!

Then, Tyler notes that his Mom’s coffee tastes like sh*t, before heading off to the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, where he can hopefully meet up with his Not-So-Much-Streetwalker of a Girlfriend.  (After all, where else could she possibly go?)

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up . . . wait .  . . sorry.  That was my line from last season.”

Once Tyler leaves, Mama Lockwood contacts the Mysterious “Bill” (who’s name continuously makes me think of the Southern vampire on True Blood) to help her with her “vampire situation.”  I love how Mama L refers to Caroline’s entrapment in her basement, as if the poor girl is a roach problem, or bed  bugs, requiring nothing more than an exterminator, and some light fumigation for treatment. . .

Not surprisingly, when “Bill” arrives at the house, he sort of talks like an exterminator (and or a Johnny Cash impersonator, take your pick), coldly promising Mama Lockwood that he will dispose of her “vampire situation,” quickly, so that she does not have to personally dirty her hand with the blood of a Vampire Barbie . . .

Tyler arrives at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.  And is clearly disappointed to find that his girlfriend has “bailed” on him.  Of course, as WE lready know, Caroline is a bit  . .  . um . . . indisposed, at the moment, and couldn’t make it.

However, Tyler DOES run into Matt, who, surprise of surprises, is surprisingly KIND and HELPFUL.  For one thing, he actually offers to help Tyler go through his “monthly” change, if Caroline ends up not making it to their date, (which, given all his recent sexual tension with Jeremy, kind of made me wonder . .  .)

Oh, Mattykins!  This could be YOU!

He also, informs Tyler — who notes that the coffee at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls tastes just as bad as his mom’s — that the town sometimes spikes the coffee with vervain as a protective measure.  Suddenly, a lightbulb goes off in Tyler’s head, and he rushes home to confront his mother, who may or may not have just, kind of sort of TRIED TO KILL HIM!

“You’ve got some ‘splaining to DO!”

Now, I have to say, as someone who is typically bored by parent/child scenes on television, I found the confrontation between Mama Lockwood and Tyler to be intensely fun to watch, and exceptionally well acted on both sides.  Never having been one to beat around the bush, Tyler comes right out and asks his mother, why she had the audacity to vervain his coffee.  “Let’s skip the part where you pretend you don’t know about vampires,” he scoffs, when his mother starts doing a little tap dance, in response.

“This is my MAD face . . .”

Having assured herself — as a result of his non-reation to the vervain — that her son is NOT a member of the undead, Mama Lockwood can now fire back about Caroline with full confidence.  “Let’s skip the part where you pretend she’s not one of them,” Mama retorts.  “You can’t be with her.  She’s a MONSTER!”  Tyler’s mom exclaims.

At which point, it FINALLY dawns on Tyler:  Holy crap!  My mom is a total moron! His mother has ABSOLUTELY know clue about the whole Werewolf Curse thing.  (So, tell me something, WHY exactly did she think there was a DUNGEON underneath her house?   For slaves?  I don’t think so!  Someone would have to be either REALLY stupid, or genuinely in denial, not to notice something was amiss here.)

Hey, I resemble that remark. 

Conveniently enough, Tyler has chosen to confront his mother about his werewolfism on, International Werewolf Coming Out Day, otherwise known as “The Full Moon.”  And so, he takes her down to the dungeon, where he promptly begins to shift in front of her TOTALLY horrified ass.

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“See, Mom, this is all your fault, for never taking me to the dentist or the eye doctor, as a child.”

Though we don’t bare witness to the ENTIRE shift, as we have in the past two installments, it seems pretty obvious that Tyler’s body is adjusting to his new form.

And THERE are those awesome nipples again (among other things)! *whistles*

To US, his werewolf transformation appears quicker, more efficient, and less excruciating for our Teen Wolf.  (Of course, I’m not sure Tyler’s mom would agree.)

Speaking of Tyler’s mom, she moved up a few notches in my book for (1) immediately accepting her son’s monstruous condition, without question, despite her obvious predisposition to SHOOT supernaturals first, and ask questions later.  (It kind of makes me wonder how Mama Lockwood would have reacted if her son HAD been turned into a vampire, by Caroline.); and (2) promising Tyler that she will make sure that nothing happens to Caroline.

I’d say it’s a bit too late for that, wouldn’t you, Sweet Cheeks?

That being said, I’m honestly not 100% sure how observing Tyler’s transformation caused Mama Lockwood to be more sympathetic toward VAMPIRES.  Who knows, maybe she figures her son’s Monster Mash life is going to be SO HORRIBLY HAIRY (get it?) that he deserves at least some happiness, in the form of getting laid regularly, even if it is with a bloodsucking blonde baby vamp, who sneaks out of his mansion in the morning . . .

Whatever her actual reasoning might be, Mama Lockwood, true to her word, does promptly call of the dogs (or rather, the DOG), right after she parts ways with her werewolf son.  Unfortunately, for Mama L (and, more importantly, CAROLINE!), Bill the Vampire Slayer has a CLEAR CUT “no backsies,”policy when it comes to making house calls . .  .

“Sorry, I’ve already put the bill for my services in your mailbox, Rich Neighbor . . .”

I mean . . . who the heck does this guy think he IS, anyway?  We are about to find out . . .

Elena Meet Water . . . Water This is Elena.

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ELENA: “Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”

(A little sloppy on the landing, but a nice-sized splash.  Plus, extra points for entering the water in a partial split.  THAT had to be painful.  All in all, I give it about an 8.2.)

Considering their out werewolf / Ripper Stefan hunting, and are in a SERIOUS time crunch  (They have to get back home, before the full moon, before Elena turns into a pumpkin and/or a werewolf eats her like one.), Alaric and Elena sure seem to be having a grand old time on their little Tennessee hiking trip!  We catch a few snippets of their conversation, which seems to include some mildly flirtatious banter regarding Alaric’s Boy Scout Skills, Rampant Alcholism, and Massive Travel Size Vampire Slaying Arsenal.  (I mean, talk about a jack of all trades!  If only drunken vampire slaying was an Olympic Sport, Alaric would be FAMOUS!)

“Will you marry me and have my babies, Alaric?   I don’t know many human men anymore . . . “

Coming upon a clearing, Alaric and Elena stop hiking long enough for her to offer Alaric the trusty Ring of Immortality, Uncle / Father John left to her in his not-so-much will.  Alaric initially balks at the offering, since it wasn’t really meant for him.  So, Elena pipes in, and reminds him (and us) that the ring won’t work on Elena, because she’s a supernatural being herself . . . (Remember?  She’s a Petrova Doppelganger, a supernatural creature with magical powers that include, being really, really, ridiculously goodlooking, looking just like Katherine, and DYING in weird vampire rituals.)

I must say, as far as super powers go, this one is pretty lame . . .

Alaric responds that Elena should save the ring for future generations of relentlessly stubborn Baby Gilberts.  (AWWW!  Now, I can’t stop picturing what Ian’s and Nina’s Damon’s and Elena’s Elena’s and Some Human Who’s a Doppelganger for Damon’s babies will look like.  Thanks a lot, Alaric!)  While Elena doesn’t necessarily refute the notion that she will one day have Mini Gilberts (She is staunchly against becoming a vampire, after all), she DOES insist that Alaric wear the ring as a “loaner.”

“I’d feel bad if you got killed by something supernatural before Happy Hour,” jokes Elena.  (WOAH!  Who knew Elena Gilbert had a sense of humor?  You go girl!)

Speaking of going, SOMEONE has just pushed Elena into the LAKE!

Yes, I realize I have just used this GIF.  And yes, I want to use it again, because it is just THAT HILARIOUS! 

HAHA!  So, Alaric invited Damon on his little “camping trip,” after all!

“Thanks for the tip, BROTHER,” Damon announces, punching his fellow Team Bad Ass member affectionately on the shoulder.  But Damon doesn’t have time to truly experience a Bromantic Reunion with Alaric (who he probably hasn’t seen, since the last night they spent in bed together — JUST KIDDING!), he has an unruly Miss Gilbert to flirt shamelessly with scold.  Because that little sassypants is NOT getting out of the water, NO SIREE!

So, of course, Damon has to go into the water WITH HER, so that they can be “wet together,” invade one another’s personal space, and eyesex some more, all while pretending to fight about their respective strategies in the Save Stefan Games . . .

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“Hey, can we do the lift, like they do in that Dirty Dancing Movie?  Because THAT would be hot!”

On dry land, Alaric watches with amusement, as this soon-to-be-couple continue to bicker and moon over one another,  as if they aren’t in GRAVE DANGER.  (You know, because TRUE LOVE can make you oblivious to those sorts of things.)

 . . . F*&K Me, right here in the water

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Elena insists that they cannot go home yet, as this is the closest she has come to finding Stefan.  Damon reluctantly agrees to stay, provided they leave by nightfall, otherwise, Damon will undoubtedly increase his odds of getting bitten by a werewolf again, which will undoubtedly mean that Elena will have to crawl into bed and KISS him again, a prospect that both parties pretend to be annoyed by, but secretly, they both find appealing . . .

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(Actually, Damon.  I’d VERY MUCH like to re-live that whole Death Bed Kissy Thing.  But I prefer to do it in the comfort of my own home, if you don’t mind.)

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And so, the twosome climb out of the water, sexually satisfied . . . FOR NOW.  They then reunite with now-clear-third-wheel Alaric on their little Stefan hunt.  And while they don’t find Stefan . . . yet . . . they DO come across dying zombie, were-vamp Seventh Heaven Guy, who’s all hungry, and trying to eat at Damon’s face.  So, of course, us viewers are getting a MAJOR sense of deja vu, and wondering how the HELL our Scooby Gang is going to get themselves out of THIS mess . . .

Now, as much as I often tease my girl, Elena for PERPETUALLY getting her lover boys into trouble, while bringing NOTHING to the table, in terms of actually, I don’t know, KILLING STUFF, she TOTALLY had this one in the bag.  When other various weapons proved ineffective on the Hybrid, she immediately pulled a wolfsbane BOMB out of Alaric’s bag, and tossed it to Damon, just seconds before Seventh Heaven Guy’s teeth made contact with his neck.

Considering all that happened in this hour, it’s amazing when you consider how much FUNNY was packed into it.  We got yet another laugh, when Elena cleverly doused chains with vervain, and asked Alaric to take them, in order to tie the now unconscious Seventh Heaven Guy to a nearby tree.  Damon, of course, being the MACHO MAN that he is, was APPALLED (and probably a little jealous too) at the notion that the HUMAN Alaric could do something that he couldn’t.  And so, without thinking, he grabs the chains from Elena, nearly burning his hand in the process . . .

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But just when we thought it was safe to laugh at Damon and his smarting hand, Seventh Heaven Guy starts to SHIFT.  And now Damon (and the rest of them) are TOTALLY screwed!  Elena (who is undoubtedly having Damon Death Bed Flashbacks for the TWENTIETH time this episode — I know I am) is now tugging on Damon’s shirt, begging him to run with her and Alaric.

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It just occurred to me, that Elena REALLY likes to say Damon’s name . . .  ALOT.  Practice for SHOUTING it in bed, perhaps?

Eventually he does . . . run . . . I mean . . .

But WAIT . . . seemingly seconds later ELENA finds HERSELF face-to-face with a now fully formed werewolf.  (THE ACTION NEVER ENDS!)

“You’re such a GOOD BOY!  Yes, you are!  Yes you are!  (Coincidentally, this is also how I talk to all my boyfriends.)”

So, Damon, once again, being the Big Manly Type that he is, gives chase to the werewolf, to lead him away from his lady love.  He does this, of course, despite knowing that of the three of them (remember, Alaric is wearing that Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality), he has the most to lose.  *sigh, swoon, drool*

Elena is starting to feel a little guilty for being the cause of all these near-death experiences.   (And, quite honestly, SHE SHOULD!)  Nonetheless, Alaric manages to drag her back to the car, while the pair wait for Damon to outrun his wolfy friend and (hopefully) return unscathed  . . .

Oh, Brother, Where Art Thou?

 

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It’s a dark and creepy night, the moon has fully risen, and Damon is alone and seems lost.  Once again, things look bleak . . . or, at least, they would look bleak, if he wasn’t one of the THREE MAIN CHARACTERS of this show.  SURPRISE!  Seventh Heaven Guy pops out of not-necessarily-nowhere, and, once again tries to eat Damon’s face (which, I suspect, must be really, really tasty . . . perhaps,  we’ll have to ask Elena about this, sometime).

But then, STEFAN ARRIVES TO SAVE THE DAY!  HUZZAHHH!  He rips out Seventh Heaven Guy’s heart like it’s his job.

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STEFAN: “My apologies, Seventh Heaven Guy.   But NOBODY picks on my Big Brother, and lives to talk about it.  Not on MY watch.  And besides, you, of all people, should know better, didn’t you get a new sibling every week, on YOUR old show?”

Reverend Camden does not . . .

The Salvatore Brother exchange that followed was FULL of win.  In fact, I preferred it greatly to the one we were treated to, back in “The Birthday,” because this one was REAL.   There was no more posturing, or sniping at one another.  The brothers weren’t trying to scare one another, or prove how bad ass they were.  This was just Damon and Stefan, alone in a forest (unless you count the corpse, which I don’t), caring deeply about eachother, and wanting to fix the situation, but not quite knowing how . . .

“What part of don’t follow me, don’t you understand?” Stefan inquires, echoing his words from their last meeting.

I liked how Damon called Stefan out a bit here, for CLAIMING that he wanted Elena to move on, and get over him, so that he could finish what he started with Klaus, but then, totally going AGAINST that notion, by calling Elena, and, thereby giving her hope.  Though Stefan denied making this call, the sheepish look on his face, told Damon that this was EXACTLY what he had done.

“I’m never coming back . . . Bring Elena back home.  And try to keep her there, this time I can think of a few CREATIVE Damon could do this.   Can’t you?,” Stefan retorts, giving Damon an EQUALLY hard time for putting Elena in danger, like he has.

After all, the threesome came VERY close to being spotted by Klaus.  And if Klaus finds out that Elena is alive . . . well, more on that later . . .

 Of course, what further heightens the intensity of this conversation, is that Stefan truly believes that it will be his last, not because he plans to spend eternity with his new boyfriend Klaus, but because he has a werewolf bite on his arm.  And just like Damon, during HIS brotherly exchange, back in “The Sun Also Rises,” Stefan truly believes that Klaus will refuse to save him, and that death is imminent . . .

Originals Have Feelings Too.  (Who Knew?)

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This must be the day for INTENSE conversations, because Stefan gets to have another one, when he returns back to Klaus’ camp, which is now littered with DEAD hybrids, carrying YET ANOTHER Dead Hybrid.  Stefan has his tail between his legs, because he knows that Klaus wanted Seventh Heaven Guy brought back alive.  And the Ripper has not fully delivered on his promise.

But Klaus has much bigger fish to fry.  His plan to create a were-vamp army is failing and he doesn’t quite know why.  In fact, he probably assumes that Seventh Heaven Guy died like the rest of this werewolf pack did, by bleeding out.  “I don’t understand.  I did everything they told me . . . I killed a werewolf . . . a vampire . . . a Doppelganger . . .”

Sh*t . . .

GULP!  Oh dear!  Just when we thought it was safe to be Elena Gilbert again.  Apparently, Elijah was mistaken in his conjecture that, as long as Elena was TECHNICALLY dead during the Sacrifice Ritual, all would go according to plan.  I mean, in some sense it did, since Klaus has become a true hybrid.  However, there is SOMETHING about Elena’s being alive that prevents Klaus from successfully turning anybody else.

“I knew THAT!  Haha!  Jokes on you, Brother!”

This makes Stefan more certain than ever that he cannot return home for as long as Elena lives, out of risk of losing her life again.  And it makes Klaus . . . LONELY?  Yeah, I was surprised too, especially considering this guy came from a big family, and could have had loads of people to hang with (HELLO! ELIJAH?), as long as he didn’t . . . you know . . . KILL THEM and stuff.

Then again, perhaps that’s the point.  Klaus was never accepted by his family, because they were full vampires, and he was sort-of part werewolf, born to a different father than the rest of his kin.  And maybe that’s what all this ARMY building is all about, creating a family where he actually fits in.  It’s strange, but it’s definitely plausible.

“I failed you.  I’m sorry.  Do what you have to do,” says Stefan, bracing himself for death.

But then Klaus does something surprising . . . for him . . . anyway.  He bites his hand, allows his blood to drip into a bottle of bear, and gives that bottle to Stefan.  He has offered him the cure.  “It appears you are the only comrade I have left,” mopes Klaus, and for about a nanosecond, I actually feel sorry for this lonely little mass murderer, who really just seems, in this moment, like a guy in search of a playmate.

That being said, WHY DIDN’T THE WRITERS LET STEFAN DRINK FROM KLAUS’ ARM?  I mean how much HOTTER and MORE SYMBOLIC would that be?  Just sayin . . .

After the anti-climactic beer drinking takes place, a newly cured Stefan walks off into the moonlight with Klaus, headed toward parts unknown . . .

Meanwhile, in the not-so-parking lot . . .

Oh, Alaric, Not YOU Too!

Now, it’s Elena and Alaric’s turn to have a heart-to-heart.  She wants to run out and save Damon because she looooooooooves him. But Alaric wants her to remain in the car.  “Let the vampires fight it out, out there, I’ll keep the humans safe,” says Alaric, who’s starting to sound an awful lot like his former hero self.

Elena calls him on his sudden change of tune.  And Alaric in turn calls HER out, on being a SUCKER for Lost Causes, which, of course, she totally is . . .Good Old Elena . . . the Classic Fixer Upper of Bad Boys, Drunks, Druggies, Murderers and Cannibals the world over . . .

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But Elena corrects Alaric, and actually says something rather insightful.  She tells him that he is not a Lost Cause.  He is simply LOST, much like perpetual orphans Jeremy and Elena.  None of them have a family.  So, why not make a family of their own?  It sounds like a swimming idea to Alaric, who, let’s face it, is probably a little in love with Elena too . . . just like everyone else on this show, and so he decides to keep the Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality as a show of solidarity toward the Gilbert clan . . . and  . . . you know . . . to prove that the recent deaths of all his girlfriends may have turned him into an alcoholic, but it hasn’t made him suicidal.

I would love it if Elena and Alaric shared a hug in this moment.  But what I got instead was MUCH better.  Damon comes barrelling toward the car, wanting immediately to get the HELL out of the mountains, before Elena catches a glimpse of Stefan, or, worse, Klaus catches a glimpse of her!  Of course, Elena has just had an INTENSE conversation with Alaric, and she’s in a sappy mood.

“Can you just give me a minute to appreciate that you are not DEAD!”  Elena exclaims, touching Damon on his deliciously bite-free shoulders, as Alaric looks on with amusement and sympathy, at his poor lovesick friend, being put through the relationship ringer AGAIN.

But Damon doesn’t give her a moment.  He doesn’t even give her the ten seconds he promised, instead he bodily HAULS her ass into the car.  “Damon stop being such a caveman,” she grumbles, but we all know that she secretly thinks cavemen are super sexy . . .

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Ahhh . . . foreplay . . .

As the threesome drive away, we see Stefan staring moonily at the car, as it’s leaving.  Elena seems to sense his presence, but by the time she takes a closer look, he’s already disappeared into the shadows . . .

And now for my FAVORITE scene of the evening.  (As if any of you are surprised . . .)

Me . . . Caveman Damon . . . You . . . Elena . . . We . . . Should REALLY Seriously Consider Having Sex in Your Bedroom (Alaric Can Watch.)

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So, I’ve often mentioned the INSANE number of times Damon and Elena have had serious exchanges in HIS bedroom.  But so far, only TWO key Delena moments have taken place in HERS, and only one of those two does Elena actually remember.  (Actually, Damon was also in Elena’s room during Season 1’s “Under Control,” a.k.a. The Teddy Bear Incident, but that was less iconic, and more adorable.  So, I will refrain from mentioning it again, for ease of reference)

What was so great about this scene, aside from the OBVIOUS, was the insane number of parallels the writers managed to pack in, referencing BOTH earlier iconic bedroom scenes.

First, Elena enters her bedroom, wearing the trademark “cute PJs” she wore, when Damon popped by her bedroom to first profess his love to her in “Rose.”  She sees Damon standing by the window, and wonders out loud, if he is drunk, like the FIRST time he entered her room in “The Return,” a.k.a. The Loathsome to All Delena Fans Jeremy Neck Snap Incident.”

But Damon is NOT drunk this time.  He is stone cold sober, and he has a serious message to deliver to Elena.  The message is that he was wrong.  (GASP!)  I don’t recall Damon ever admitting he was wrong.  This is clearly a first!  It also harkens back to the “Rose” scene, once again, in which Damon tells Elena he doesn’t deserve her, and the music in the background suddenly gets REALLY loud, so that you can hear the singer tell him just how WRONG he is . . .

What was Damon wrong about, this time?  You ask . . . well, remember how I mentioned that, the opening scene was important to the LAST scene, in terms of reflecting both Damon’s and Elena’s changed states of mind, after the episode.   Well, here we are!

Damon has come to the conclusion, much as Elena had earlier, that his brother ISN’T totally gone to the darkside yet, and CAN be saved.  He realized this when Stefan risked everything to save his own brother’s life.  It’s actually pretty cute, when Damon refers to his baby bro as a martyr who deserves to have his ass kicked, because it’s SUCH a Big Bro thing to say . . . So, Damon agrees to help Elena SAVE Stefan.

But that’s not all, in a scene, highly reminiscent of “The Return,” in which Damon tried to get Elena to admit that he loved her, AND, oddly enough, Caroline’s and Tyler’s “I care about you, OK!  I care about you!” First Kiss Moment, Damon forces Elena to admit that when faced with losing Damon’s life, she gave up the search for Stefan in the woods, earlier than was necessary.

“I didn’t want to see you get hurt.   I was worried about you,” Elena admits to a LEANING in Damon, who smiles knowingly before walking away.

Interestingly enough, it’s ELENA, who calls him back . . . much like Caroline did in HER parallel scene.  She has more to say.  And she’s going to make Damon hear it.  “Yes, I worry about you,” she says with obvious emotion and frustration in her voice.  “Why do you even have to hear me say it?”

Then Damon pulls her close to him.   Tugging on her hair affectionately, and cupping her delicate face in his hands appreciatively.  After all, she has given him so much more in those words than he could have hoped for.  After all, the question wasn’t really about HIS needing reassurance that Elena cared about him . . . he got that, back in the Season 2 Finale.  This was about ELENA finally realizing it for herself.

They look one another, right in the eyes, intensely, their faces just inches apart, feeling eachother’s breath on their faces.  And then Damon says, very softly, the most beautiful words imaginable, because they are sweet, heartfelt, self-sacrificing, and SO much in line with this New Reluctant Hero Damon, who is tasked not only with keeping Elena alive, but also with keeping her happy.

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“Because, when I drag my brother back from the edge and deliver him back to you. I want you to remember the things you felt when he was gone.”

And then Damon full of class, exits Elena’s room, leaving her alone to her undoubtedly dirty thoughts, and the judgy eyes of a suitcase toting Alaric, who witnessed the entire exchange (The door was open, after all!), while in the process of moving himself back into the Gilbert home.)

“Do you know what you’re doing there?” Alaric inquires, it’s a benign enough question, but the concerned and knowing look on Alaric’s face lets Elena know exactly to what he’s referring.

“I don’t know,” Elena replies honestly, and more than a bit guiltily . . .

You may not know what your going to do with Damon, yet, Elena . . .But rest assured, you will SOON! 😉

Oh, and since I LOVED this scene, so VERY, VERY MUCH, I’ve decided to include it for your viewing pleasure, here.  Just click on the internal link, and watch, and rewatch to your hearts content . . .

In completely UNRELATED, and NON-ROMANTIC NEWS, Caroline’s IN SOME SERIOUS DEEP SH*T right now.  And that sh*t’s got a name . . .

Who’s Your DADDY?  (a.k.a. Parents Just DON’T Understand . . .)

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And the award for TVD Character with the WORST PARENTS EVER goes to . . . BABY VAMP FORBES!  (Tell her what she’s won, Bob!)

So, of course, as most of you already know, this week’s TVD episode ended on the massive cliffhanger that Vampire Slayer BILL is actually Caroline’s Big Gay Dad.

Look . . . it’s an Evil Elvis Impersonator Caroline’s Dad!

The look she gives the creepy guy from Heroes her seemingly cold, unfeeling father, while CHAINED UP in a dungeon for what seems like the 500th time, in her short life as a baby vamp, is extra special heartbreaking, because you just KNOW that a part of her still believes he’s actually there to SAVE her.  Seriously, is it any wonder Girlfriend has TRUST issues?

But the good news, Caroline, is that you’ve WON the AWARD for Sh*ttiest Parents in Mystic Falls.   I mean, that has to count for something, right.   After all, the Bad Parents Competition is MIGHTY STEEP in this town.  Let’s see, we’ve got Damon and Stefan, who’s dad SHOT them, rather then have them live as fangbangers.  (But Stefan ate him, so I feel like we’ve gotta cut the guy a little slack.)  Then there’s Matt’s Mom, who left Matt and his slutty sister to fend for themselves (Didn’t work out so well for Vicki?  Did it?), while she MACKED WITH MATT’S BEST FRIEND up against a WALL at a party!

(By the way, it just occurred to me that Tyler generally seems to prefer vertical sex . . . interesting . . . perhaps it’s a Wolf Thing.)

Tyler’s Dad slapped him around a lot.  But oddly enough, the fact that he NEVER ACTUALLY TRIED TO KILL HIM, actually puts him near the top of the parenting list in this effed-up town.

Same goes for Tyler’s Mom, who SHOT AND KIDNAPPED HIS GIRLFRIEND, but again, never tried to kill Tyler.  So, YAY for her . . . I guess.

Only ONE of Elena’s bio parents (Isobel) tried to kill HER, by turning her over to Klaus for the Sacrifice, but she was under compulsion at the time so . . . there’s that.

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“I can fly higher than a vampire bat, but you are the wind beneath my wings.”

(Let’s not forget the whole Committing Suicide in Front of her Daughter Thing.)

And her bio dad, Uncle/Father John pretty much tried to kill THE ENTIRE TOWN EXCEPT Elena, which, oddly makes him a comparatively “good” parent as well.

Rounding out the list are Jeremy’s definitely DEAD parents, and Bonnie’s invisible parents, who are probably hanging out in Hogwarts somewhere.  (Definitely Deatheaters!)

Mr. Voldemort Bennett

This, of course, brings me back to LIZARD FORBES, and Vampire HUNTER BILL, BOTH of whom have now taken measures to MURDER Caroline . . . oh, I’m sorry.   I meant “cure” her.

“Hey, Recapper!  I’ve been helping the sister of the kid I, more or less, KILLED find her Vampire Boyfriend!  So, I’m ‘good’ now.  Didn’t you get the memo?” 

So, yeah, that’s pretty much where we are now.  Stefan and Klaus are still out frolicking.  Jeremy and Matt are getting it on chilling with the ghost girls.  Alaric has moved his Chunky Monkey back into his dead girlfriend’s bed.  Damon and Elena are DEEPLY IN LOOOOOOOOVE continuing to take turns barging into eachother’s bedrooms, for daily, and nightly eye-sex/personal space invastion / Will they? Won’t they? makeout sessions.  And Caroline is sitting pretty in Evil Daddy’s dungeon, while he decides whether he’s down with her “alternative lifestyle.”  (See what I did there?)

Tune in next week, when Klaus takes Stefan on a fantastic voyage back to Boardwalk Empire . . . er . . . I mean the 1920’s, Poor Caroline gets her ass kicked some more (SAVE HER, TYLER!  SAVE HER!), and Damon and Elena prepare to set off on their next rescue mission together.  You can check out the promo for the episode, here:

And that’s more or less, all she wrote, for NOW anyway.  Now, it’s YOUR turn.  Did you LOVE this episode as much as I did?  Were you digging all the ho-yay between Stefan and Klaus / Matt and Jeremy?  Are you counting down the episodes before the SECOND inevitable Delena makeout sesh?  What about Caroline?  Has our kickass Vampire Barbie eclipsed Jeremy as the resident TVD punching bag?  Please sound off in the comment section below.

Until then, Hasta La Vista, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

High, Horny, Hot, Headless, and Hungry (HOORAY!) – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ Season 3 Premiere “The Birthday”

I’ll be the first to admit that sometimes I get a bit over-excited when images of Naked Damon appear on my television screen.  For example, this evening, I was just minding my own business, watching the TVD Season Premiere, when the above picture popped up before me.  Then THIS happened . . .

Dammit!  It is REALLY inconvenient to have your head fall off, when you are trying to watch a show!   You know, if Stefan hadn’t come by to “put me back together,” I would never have been able to write this recap!

Well, hello Fangbangers!  It has been WAY too long, since I’ve had the opportunity to spend an evening with you!  I mean, I can’t believe how long it has been, since I used this picture in a recap . . .

Actually, I’m pretty sure, I just used this a couple of days ago  . . .

Fortunately, tonight’s TVD Season Premiere MORE than made up for the criminally lengthy summer hiatus, by giving us fangbanging fangirls (and fanboys) everything we could POSSIBLY want in a new TVD episode.

I mean, think about it,  there was a kickass keg party, Delena, obligatory nudity, Delena, SUPER HOT Forwood sex, Delena, homoeroticism galore, Delena, bloody bites and kills, Klaus antics, Ripper Stefan, Delena, people getting REALLY REALLY high and wasted on prime time TV, Delena, Team Bad Ass, Delena cool special guest stars, Delena, a massive cliffhanger, and did I mention Delena?

So lather up, My Lovelies, and break out your dancing shoes . . . because SOMEONE in Mystic Falls is about to turn LEGAL!

And it’s NOT Katherine . . . because she turned legal about 485 years ago . . . 

(By the way, special thanks to my good pal Andre, who has created all the fabulous screencaps you see here.  It’s a tough job poring over all those sexy scantily-clad bodies, for hours on end . . . But SOMEBODY has to do it . . .)

Always End Your Life Evening, With a “Little Southern Hospitality” . . .

“Why are you doing this to me?  Haven’t you read my blog?  I’m TEAM KLAUS!” 

Word to the wise, ladies . . . if a stranger shows up in your backyard, and feels the need to tell you that he’s “not a serial killer,” there’s a really good chance he wears women’s lingerie for fun, and has enough dead bodies in his closet to put on a stage production of “A Chorus Line.”

“Hey, I resemble that remark.” 

What better way to kickstart a season than with a gruesome double homicide?  I mean, come on . . . even if we HADN’T seen this Random Anonymous Girl’s head tumble off her bloody body in the trailers, we’d know she was a goner, the minute she stepped outside to retrieve her absentee dog, for one simple reason: WE’VE NEVER SEEN HER BEFORE!

Though, I must say, to Random Anonymous Girl’s credit (hereinafter “RAG #1”), she was a heck of a lot smarter than the First Kills in most horror films.  Consider this . . . Despite the fact that Klaus was ridiculously charming, with his faux Southern accent, and his lame, but oddly adorable, story about how his car broke down up the road, RAG#1 was not about to voluntarily let this stranger into her house.  NO SIR!

“Aren’t you even the least bit curious what a True Hybrid’s Weiner looks like?” 

Though RAG #1 is polite enough to let Klausipoo use her cell phone to call for a tow truck, since his phone is conveniently “out of juice,” she insists on bringing it outside to him, rather than letting him “come and get it,” himself.  Klaus complains that this is not what he considers “Southern Hospitality.” (The house in question is located in Tennessee.)  But RAG #1 isn’t Southern.  She’s from FLORIDA . . . land of Oranges . . . Mickey Mouse . .  . and people who don’t invite psychos into their homes, for no good reason.

“Suck it, Were Vamp!”

But, you see, here’s the problem with the whole “Vampires can’t enter homes unless invited” rule . . . Unless you are wearing your Trusty Vervain Necklace, a good vampire can MAKE YOU DO ANYTHING HE WANTS, including INVITE HIM INTO YOUR HOUSE.  So, you’re pretty much screwed either way, as RAG#1 quickly learns . . .

Inside the house, we meet RAG#2, who’s just as sassy as  RAG#1, and just as unwilling to be hospitable to the Poor Unfortunate Klaus . . .

“I’m not Southern either.  I’m from the Bronx, B*TCH!” 

 But it turns out, there’s a method to Klaus’ madness.   After all, he happens to know that RAG #1 and RAG#2 have a third roommate . . . a WEREWOLF ROOMMATE . .  . one who comes home once a month to “go through his changes” in the basement.   At first, RAG#2 tries to cover for her wolfy friend.  However, as soon as it becomes apparent that Klausipoo won’t take no for an answer, she eventually gives up the goods.

And that’s when Stefan comes in . . .

Mind if I borrow a cup of sugar?”

You see, the Original Were Vamp, is just too Big and Powerful to be bothered with such petty insignificant tasks as MURDERING PEOPLE, so he has his new boyfriend do the dirty work for him.  But Klaus isn’t completely heartless.  He rewards RAG#1’s “kindness,” by instructing Stefan to give her a faster, less painful, death than RAG#2.  (How sweet?)  Then, he gleefully skips off to his car (which, is in total working order, by the way), while Mini Me finishes the job .  . .

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HOTTEST . . . DEATH . . . SCENE . . . EVER!

Uh oh!  It looks like SOMEONE needs a bib . . .

Always Start Your Morning, By Washing Your “Baby Elephant” .  . .

“My, how you have grown, Little Brother . . . (and I’m not talking about your height).”

From Tennessee, we head back to Mystic Falls, where Mopey Sad Emo Music is playing, while Mopey Sad Elena stares out the window, longing for her long lost Hungry Hungry Hippo of a Boyfriend . . .

*sigh* “I’m so sad and lonely.  I haven’t had sex, since Damon screwed my brains out, two nights ago ALL SUMMER.  I wonder if it’s possible for one’s hymen to grow back, from lack of use  . . .”

 But don’t feel too bad for Elena.  There is hope for her, yet!  After all, she is wearing her Trusty Ponytail.  And whenever Ponytail Elena comes to town, fun times are never far behind . . .

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It becomes apparent that, in Useless Aunt Jenna’s absence, Elena has assumed the “motherly” role in the Gilbert household.  Immediately upon waking, Elena heads to a Holy-Crap-When-Did-He-Get-So-Buff, Almost-Death-Definitely-Becomes-Him Jeremy’s bedroom to wake him up for his new job at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls .  . .

“Dreaming about Vicki Anna my Bon Bon has given me a Bone Bone . . .”

Elena then heads downstairs to help Couch Surfing Chunky Monkey Alchy-ric make some coffee, as she chats on the phone with an overly perky Caroline, who, despite it obviously still being very early in the morning, is already laden down with shopping bags.   (Because, even though Mystic Falls only has one bar / social establishment, it is somehow awash in shopping malls.)

“Is this where you pour the vodka?” 

Since Caroline is meeting Future Sex Toy Tyler for Lunch, she doesn’t have much time to talk to the birthday girl.  So, she simply reminds her about the evenings party plans, and instructs her to call Lizard Forbes, who, apparently has a new tip for her about Stefan’s possible whereabouts.

So, of course, Ponytail Elena has to head directly to DAMON’S BEDROOM to tell him all about it, right? (hint, hint, wink, wink)  Unfortunately, for her, though, Damon isn’t there alone . . . He’s got a LADY FRIEND with him . .  . one that might look a bit familiar to some of you.  ME!  IT”S ME!  No it’s not.  😦  But, I wish it was . . .

“I’m BAAAACK!  (For another twenty minutes, anyway.)” 

So, remember how last season, Damon compelled Andie to go away, and never come back, when he got too overwhelmed with his feelings for Elena to continue the Crazy Compulsion Charade, he had going on with a certain local newscaster?  Yeah, well, so much for that.  Now, she’s back to wandering around La Casa de Rich and Awesome, like she owns the place, and commenting about Damon’s Bad Champagne Breakfast Habits, while he bathes in his Teeny Tiny Tub.  (Champagne Breakfast?  What happened to the Bourbon Breakfast?)

Chicks dig champagne. Bourbon is for the bros, yo!

Then again, the fact that Andie is able to sass Damon the way that she does in this scene — even going as far as to say that she is “not his slave” (Oh, if only she knew!) — illustrates that our Bad Boy may finally be growing up . . . orrrr . . . maybe not . . .

Immediately, upon hearing Elena enter his bedroom, Damon struts toward her, in all his naked glory, not so subtly giving her a peek at the Baby Elephant (with the massively LONG trunk) responsible for blowing bubbles all over his unmentionables . . .

“Here’s looking at YOU, Ponytail Elena.”

Elena tries to carry on a conversation with Damon about Stefan’s possible whereabouts, but, honestly, she seems a bit distracted .  . . And how could she not be when that Baby Elephant keeps waving his trunk at her, begging her to come and play . . .

“Not now, Little Elephant . . . I’m busy . . .” 

“Damon, we really have to find . . .you’re weiner  . .  . sooo big . .  . must . . . touch . .  . ummm . . . wait . . .What was I saying?” 

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“Hey Elena, my eyes are up here!”

Damon initially blows off Elena’s Hot Tip from Lizard Forbes About Stefan’s Whereabouts, claiming that it will probably be another stale lead, just like all the rest.  And yet, after she leaves, we see him put the piece of paper containing the tip on a BIG ASS STALKER BOARD in his closet, which is completely FILLED with similar “Where in the World is Stefan Salvatore?” clues.  Apparently, he, Andie, and Alaric have been on the case, all summer, without Elena’s knowledge.  And you just KNOW Ponytail Elena is not going to like that ONE BIT, when she finds out . . .

Meanwhile, over at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . .

Come to The Mystic Grill: Where the Food’s So Good, Even the Dead Can’t Stay Away . . .

“Oh crap!  I’m starting to itch.  I think Ghost Vicki just gave me Ghost Crabs.” 

“I’m sorry about that.  I think I got them from this guy named Casper.  They don’t call him the ‘Friendly Ghost’ for nothing.”

Newly Buff Jeremy is hanging out in the kitchen at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, chatting on the phone with his BonBon . . .

She apparently, spent the summer somewhere elsewhere (Hogwarts, perhaps?), though I’m honestly not sure where she would go, considering her grandma is already dead, and I’ve come to the conclusion that she doesn’t actually have parents.

Speaking of BonBon and JerBear, have you ever noticed that HALF of their relationship takes place on technological devices, like Skype and the iPhone?  How NERDY is that?  Even if Jeremy WASN’T hanging out with his dead ex-girlfriends all the time, I would take this as a BAD SIGN for the future of their relationship.  I mean, cyber sex is fun and all.  But it doesn’t exactly keep you warm at night, if you catch my drift . . .

“I’m magically sending you a blow job sex vibes through the phone, JerBear . . .” 

Jeremy apparently, hasn’t gotten around to telling Bonnie about his Ghosts of Girlfriends’ Past, probably because (1) it’s pretty much HER FAULT that he’s seeing them in the first place  (That’s what happens when you piss off Dead Witches, by asking them for help every five minutes); and (2) he doesn’t want her to feel guilty . . . or jealous.

Enter Matt the Grouch, who’s insisting that Jeremy take over his section, because he doesn’t want to serve soon-to-be lovebirds his former best friend Tyler, or his former girlfriend, Caroline, who are eyef*cking eachother so intensely at their table, that baby werevamps may very well be inches away from popping out of Caroline’s vampire uterus . . .

“Harder . . . harder Tyler, yes!”

“Was it as good for you, as it was for me?”

 Blatant eyesex aside, Caroline just CAN’T, for the life of her, understand why Tyler’s MOTHER would possibly think the two of them are DATING?  I mean, what on EARTH would give her THAT idea . . .

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“We’re practically f*&king together all the time, Caroline.  It’s not much of a leap,” explains Tyler with smirk, mixed with naughty thoughts, adoration, and longing.

As seems to be the norm on this show, we once again have a male character who’s caught on to the extent of his romantic feelings, more quickly than his female counterpart.  And the fact that a formerly, Wham Bam, Thank You Random Slut guy like Tyler loves Caroline enough, that he’s willing to spend the entire summer in the Supposed Friend Zone, just for the opportunity to be close to her, says an awful lot about how far he’s come since Season 1 . . .

Mommy LIKE! 

Speaking of a couple who  are trying to deny that they have the hots for one another, let’s check back in on Klaus and Stefan, shall we?

“Come with me, Stefan .  . . on a magical journey into my pants.” 

We’re Not in Seventh Heaven Anymore . . .

“Hey there, Stefan.  Can I just tell you, I’m a huge fan.  And I’m so honored to get to be a guest star on this wonderful show.  Wait. .  . you want me to WHAT?   STAND STILL, AND HAVE DARTS THROWN REPEATEDLY AT MY HEAD AND OTHER UNMENTIONABLE PARTS OF MY BODY?  That’s not cool!  Can’t I be the guy who has sex with Caroline, instead?”

So, apparently, that werewolf who Klaus and Stefan have been looking for all summer has a name, and that name is Ray.  Unfortunately, for “Ray,” I’m just going to call him Seventh Heaven Guy, because that’s who he will forever be to me . . .

Seriously, don’t you want to just pinch his cute little face right off?  (I know Stefan does . . .)

Apparently, Klaus has been having a REALLY difficult time finding werewolves to join his Little Werevamp Club, considering Stefan and Co. killed most of them, last season.  Seventh Heaven Guy seems like his only viable option.  So, Klaus would really like the hairy blonde to take him to his pack leader.

“Hey, don’t I know you from that TV show with the guy from Teen Wolf, and the girl who dated Justin Timberlake?”

Watching Klaus and Stefan attempt to “negotiate” with Seventh Heaven Guy, you really start to get a sense of their “team dynamic.”  Sure, Stefan is technically “working” for Klaus, but there’s also a little bit of a Mutual Admiration Society going on here.  While Klaus acts as the Brains and the Mouthpiece of the Operation, Stefan stands beside him as the Silent Enforcer, patiently waiting to strike the pair’s next unwitting victim.  In some sense, this makes Stefan more frightening than Klaus, because you never really know what’s going on behind those cold, hungry eyes of his . . .

Another interesting thing about this NEW incarnation of Stefan, he KICKS ASS at compulsion.  Back in the first two seasons of the show, we almost NEVER saw Stefan compel anybody.  That was always more Damon’s bag.  There were a couple of reasons for this.  The first, was that, while on his bunny diet, Stefan didn’t have the strength to be particularly successful at compulsion.

He MAY have compelled the bunnies, though . . . 

The second was that Stefan was always “the good brother.”  And “good brothers” don’t mind control . . .

And yet, here, we learn that Ripper Stefan has compelled an ENTIRE BAR not to help Seventh Heaven Guy, while he is being tortured!  Now, that’s impressive  .  . .

Almost as impressive as a Double De-Hearting.  (We miss you, Elijah!) 

Speaking of compulsion, Seventh Heaven Guy claims he can’t be compelled, which is interesting, to say the least.  Is Seventh Heaven Guy on vervain, or is there something about werewolves (like Tyler) that makes them immune to compulsion?  Klaus was able to compel the girls in the first scene, but it is uncertain whether those two were ACTUALLY werewolves, or just friends with one.  (I’m assuming the latter, since Klaus would have probably wanted them as part of his army TOO, if they were the former.)

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Anywhoo . . . Stefan decides to elicit the whereabouts of his pack from Seventh Heaven Guy, by playing a little game called Truth or Wolfsbane.  However, he ends up just randomly throwing darts at his head . . .  which shouldn’t be funny, but TOTALLY IS!

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I wonder how much harder you have to throw a dart to get it to stick in someone’s brain, like that.  Surely, that should be worth extra points, don’t you think?

Reverend Camden would NOT approve . . . 

 While he’s retrieving his darts from Seventh Heaven Guy’s face, we see a little glimpse of Stefan’s old humanity, when he overhears Klaus talking to a random bar wench about how Damon is following him, and must be stopped.  Though Stefan promises to “take care” of his brother, you can tell, based on the expression on his face, that he also wants to protect him from falling into Klaus’ clutches.  Klaus, slyly accepts Stefan’s offer, and turns his attention back to Seventh Heaven Guy, who has finally given him the information he needs.

Klaus then lays Seventh Heaven Guy, Jesus-Style, on a dirty bar table . . .

Inappropriate?

 Once he’s got him in this precarious position, Klaus proceeds to indoctrinate Seventh Heaven Guy into his Big Happy Werevamp family, by feeding him his blood . . .

It sure beats Breast Feeding! 

 . .  . and KILLING HIM!

So, basically, after the first Were Vamp is formed, via sacrifice, subsequent were vamps can be formed pretty much in the same way regular vampires are, except they have to drink a HYBRID’S blood, instead of just a regular vampires.  Of course, this begs the question about the OTHER two individuals who drank Klaus’ blood (Damon and Katherine), who were ALREADY undead when they drank.  Could THEY turn into were-vamps too?

Hmmm . .  . I wonder . .  . 

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Tennessee (because, apparently, it’s like really close to Mystic Falls, Virginia .  . . or something) . . .

Have Blood, Will Travel . . . 

Stefan Salvatore: Turning Girls into Mr. Potato Head, One Dismembered Body Part at a Time .  . .

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“Hey Alaric, up for a game of soccer?”

Alaric and Damon arrive at RAG #1 and RAG #2’s house to find the two girls just chilling on the couch, waiting for Team Badass to arrive.  Then one of them gets so excited at the prospect of seeing Damon, that she loses her head.   (Wouldn’t you?)  Having spent eternity with his brother, Damon immediately recognizes this as Stefan’s Signature Kill.  Apparently, Ripper Stefan gets so hungry while he’s eating that he blacks out, and forgets what he’s doing . . .

Then, he wakes up, and feels guilty.   So, he decides to reassemble  all the body parts he previously ripped / ate off.  How chivalrous of him . . . but also kind of dull.  I mean, why just reattach the SAME head, to the SAME body, when you could MIX AND MATCH?

Psychopath Cannibal FAIL! 

Being the dutiful big bro, Damon kindly torches the house, to protect Stefan’s . . . umm . . . reputation or something?  (Then again, perhaps, he just knew RAG #1 and RAG#2 had a solid fire insurance policy?)

“It really is a shame to put this good head to waste.” 

Speaking of getting and giving head . .  .

“I hope you get lucky, tonight!”

You STOLE my balls, Care!  Give them back (or else, I’ll come over there and take them, by force)” 

Oh my goodness!  How WHIPPED is Tyler, that he actually allowed himself to get roped in to HELPING Caroline and Elena set up for the party?  (Caroline is officially my HERO!)  Elena mentions to her friends that she doesn’t think Damon is trying hard enough to find Stefan, at which point, Tyler can’t help but add his own two cents.  “Maybe he doesn’t WANT to find him?  I mean . . . he’s into you, right?  And you kissed him?  You probably messed with his head!”

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Now, I gotta say, as misplaced and inappropriate as that comment was (and we’ll get to that, in just a bit), Tyler has a point here!  Elena’s declaration that her smooch with Damon was a “goodbye kiss, without the “goodbye,” seems more than a little convenient, in light of recent events.  OF COURSE, it’s going to have an impact on Damon’s psyche that the woman he loves FINALLY made out with him, dying or not . . .  Then again, Damon IS, unbeknownst to Elena, searching for his brother, anyway  . . . so, perhaps, he’s just a bit more “evolved” than Tyler, who, as an only child (LIKE ME!) might not be able to quite grasp the notion of Brotherly Love . . .

Speaking of LOVE, Caroline is NOT TOO PLEASED with Tyler’s little gossipy comment  . . .

And I have to say, while I think it’s adorable that Caroline and Tyler have become close enough “girlfriends,” that Caroline feels free to gossip with him about stuff like this, if I was Elena, I’d be none too pleased with my best friend for sharing my PRIVATE SECRETS with her soon-to-be boyfriend.  Elena doesn’t seem too upset by it, though . . . which is oddly, un-Elena-like of her, don’t you think?  (Perhaps, the PONYTAIL has something to do with that?)

“My ponytail doesn’t care about secrets.  It just wants to f*ck Damon senseless PARTY!”

Speaking of boundaries, Caroline and Tyler, not only don’t seem to have them with Elena, they clearly don’t have any with ONE ANOTHER either.  Observe the candid nature of the pair’s conversation about Tyler’s decision to bring, “Slutty Sophie” (as Caroline calls her) to Elena’s party.  After all, Tyler explains, he’s pretty much been in a DRY SPELL, ALL SUMMER, because he’s spent most it painting Caroline’s toenails and braiding her hair, rather than getting himself laid  . . .

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Tyler’s not the only one who’s sexually frustrated.  Caroline’s crazed for weiner, as well!  And though the pair both chalk their newfound sexual urges up to “supernatural emotions,” I’d venture to guess it has much more with their both being victim to “normal teenage hormones” . . . not to mention the fact that they are . . . “both secretly in love with one another.” 😉

BAM . . . look who just got impregnated. 

Elsewhere, on the OVERWHELMING SEXUAL TENSION front . . .

“It’s Your Party, and You’ll Almost Kiss Damon Cry if You Want To.”

DAMON: “I’m going to pretend that I’m having trouble putting on your necklace, so that I can continue to blow on your neck, and sexily massage your shoulders.”

ELENA:  “And I’m going to lean backwards exaggeratedly, thereby making it much easier for you to ‘accidentally’ fondle my breasts.”

Elena is in Stefan’s room, for a change, getting ready for her party, when she sees Damon watching her through the mirror.  Though the Petrova Doppelganger is clearly, teary and emotional, she ruefully promises not to cry before they cut the cake.  “Hey, it’s your party, you can cry if you want to,” Damon jokes, with just the right amount of concern, sympathy, and lightheartedness . . .

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Damon notices a picture of Stefan and Elena on the dresser, immediately understands the effect it being their must have on Elena (Remember he TOO, is no stranger to pining for potentially lost causes.), and gently gripes about what a pack rat Stefan has become.  (This of course, is another difference between the brothers, since, aside from that MASSIVE SOAP DISH, Damon’s bedroom / bathroom suite is comparatively minimalist.)

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“Oh for Heaven sake!  Will you STOP bringing up the Soap Dish?”

The fact that Damon chose to “re-gift” to Elena the vervain necklace she had first received from Stefan to protect herself from DAMON, of all people, was incredibly sweet and meaninful.  Not only did it illustrate Damon’s understanding of Elena’s feelings for Stefan, it also called to mind the evolution of the DELENA  RELATIONSHIP.  After all, these two have a quite extensive history with that necklace . . .  For starters, there was the time back in Season 1, where Elena willingly took off the vervain necklace, to show Damon that he could trust her (and that she had come to trust him).

And, of course, who could forget the time Damon returned Elena’s necklace to her, in Season 2, only AFTER telling her that he loved her, for the first time, and compelling her to forget it . . .

I love how Elena ASKED Damon to put the necklace on for her, as opposed to the other way around.  I also love the way they stood in the mirror, after he did it, silently observing one another, with tension and longing . . .

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And I DEFINITELY love the way they CLEARLY almost kissed, when Damon first gave her the necklace, and how they bravely walked to the party, arm-in-arm together,  after the gift exchange . . .

ELENA: “My, what big lips you have, Damon!” 

DAMON: “The better to suck your face with, Elena.”

Geez! Do you think I used the word LOVE enough in this section? 😉

Speaking of love, there’s yet another new bromance in town . . .  (Am I noticing a pattern here?)

High Times with Matt and Jeremy (Drunk Times with Alaric and Damon)

First off, I want to say how INCREDIBLY lame it is that Elena’s so-called Bestie, Bonnie, couldn’t even be bothered to make it to her 18th birthday.  FRIEND FAIL!

Oh, WIPE YOUR NOSE! 

Beyond that, Elena’s birthday party was AWESOME!  They don’t have NEARLY enough ragers, in Mystic Falls, in my opinion.  I mean, sure, we’ve seen dances, and movie nights, memorials, and fundraisers.  But these kids are in HIGH SCHOOL for crying out loud.  And what’s high school, without a good old fashioned KEGGAR!  It was really cool to see these uptight supes let loose, for once.

I mean, we get to see Damon and Alaric drink ALL THE TIME!

But watching Elena grab Damon’s cup of bourbon, right out of his hand and chug it down . . .

 .  . . when he wouldn’t let ANYONE ELSE touch his stash . . .

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 . . . watching Caroline chug wine straight from a bottle (more on her, later), and watching an unusually laidback Matt bond with Jeremy over some quality reefer, was just SUPER SATISFYING on so-many levels.  I mean, you can’t battle evil ALL THE TIME, right?

But, since we ARE on the subject of evil . . .

Dead Times with Sex Toy Andie

We knew Stefan was going to have to find a way to “take care” of Damon, in order to prevent Klaus from taking matters into his own hands.  But I don’t think many of us save those who figured it out from the trailers figured his manner of “taking care” of his brother would be this drastic . . .

We randomly find ourselves in the Mystic Falls news room, where Sex Toy Andie is working late, once again.  Suddenly, a light shines in her face, and Stefan materialized before her.  What’s kind of sad is how HAPPY she is to see Stefan, since, she of course, remembers him as the GOOD BROTHER . . .  Then he gets all veiny on her, and she’s probably considering suggesting some Botox options . . .

Enter Damon, who’s clad in blue, while Stefan is clad in his older brother’s trademark black . . .

He’s just received a phone call from Elena, who, after having been told by Caroline that she’s “letting her life pass her by,” finally FOUND his Stefan Stalker Stash.  And she is NOT PLEASED AT ALL!

“Wow, Damon has kind of girly handwriting.”

“Gotta go break up beer bong!” Damon snarks, in an exaggeratedly high pitched voice, that is one step above doing that thing where you blow into the phone and pretend there’s a bad connection, when you don’t want to talk to someone.  (Not that I’ve ever done that, of course.)

Anywhoo, BLACK-CLAD BADASS Stefan approaches Damon, with the words, “Hello Brother,” a nice throwback to Damon’s first words in the pilot . . .

The pair chat amiably for a bit about Stefan’s binge-eating, and Mr. Potato Head creation tendencies.  But Stefan is cold, stiff, and immobile, kind of like a dead guy . . . or undead guy, rather.  He’s not even moved by the mention of Elena, when, usually the mere utterance of her name is enough to spiral the “Good Brother” into hysterics .  . .

And that’s when EVVVVILL Stefan reveals his Big Take Care of Damon magic trick.  With a flourish of his hands, Stefan shows Damon a crying compelled Andie, who is shaking and crying, high above the two brothers on the rafters . . .

A surprisingly frantic Damon, tells her not to move.  Unfortunately (or, fortunately, depending on your feelings about the Sex Toy), Stefan has the compelled the news reporter to do just that.  And so Andie bungee jumps without a chord from the rafters, as Stefan pushes his brother up against a wall, so that he can’t catch her . . .

Sure, the scene was sad.  But, you must admit, that Damon’s face in this picture is HILARIOUS! 

I had always suspected that Damon had come to respect and care about Andie as more than a sex toy / slave.  But it really became apparent, when he leaned dejectedly over her broken and dead body, unable to do anything but say goodbye .  .  . both to his sort-of girlfriend, and his brother’s humanity . . .

 R.I.P. Andie!  Here’s a small tribute to your memory . . .

OK . . . so that was more of a tribute to Damon.  But HEY, it’s the thought that counts, right?

On a MUCH, MUCH lighter note . . .

Speaking of Sex Toys . . .

Bland-But-Slightly -More-Tolerable-When-He’s-Stoned Matt tries to flirt with Caroline, and is abruptly SHOT DOWN!

(Try not to take it personally, Matt.  Jer Bear still loves you!) 

As it turns out, Caroline’s WAY to busy being jealous of Slutty Sophie’s humping of Tyler on the dance floor to give two craps about her ex-beau . . .

Wow, who knew Tyler was so good at Dance Floor Humpage?  VERY impressive! 

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(Clearly, Caroline agrees with me.)

Tyler and Caroline get into a heated argument, after Caroline jealously compels Slutty Sophie to leave the party, therby MAJORLY cockblocking Tyler . . . then again, maybe not.  “If I shouldn’t be dating, all you have to do is say something . . . because I’m not about to get shot down again,” argues Tyler.

And so, just like with their epic first kiss, their second one, begins with an argument about “feelings,” turns into a wall slam, and then, BAM: mouth-f*&king!

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Horny as hell, and not-yet-quite adventurous enough to start having sex right on the floor of La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Caroline and Tyler escape back to Tyler’s bedroom, which, in hindsight, might have been their first big mistake of the evening.  Not that it matters, at the moment, though.  Because right now, Caroline and Tyler are having sex . . . supernatural .  . . super speedy . . . sexy .  . . grunty .  . . groany . .  . moany . . . rough sex.  And life is VERY GOOD!

 

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Life is significantly LESS good for Damon, who is having a VERY bad day . . .

Foreplay Tough Love for Damon and Elena . . .

“You’ve got some ‘splaining to do, Mister!  (Like why the heck didn’t you put all this crap on a computer?  What is this  . . . 1864?)”

Still raw from his run-in with his brother, and the loss of Sex Toy Andie, a not-drunk-enough Damon hobbles back into his room to find Elena (SURPRISE!) dangerously close to his bed. 😉

She’s FURIOUS with Damon for keeping his search for Stefan from her, and understandably so.  But, really, your heart has to go out to Damon in this moment.  Because Damon was always the guy who got to be blase about Elena’s feelings, because he was the one KEEPING HER ALIVE.

Up until now, Damon got to leave all the “emotional stuff” to STEFAN, like, for example, that time when he let Elena think Bonnie had died, so that KLAUS would believe it too.  Damon was OK with being the “Bad Guy,” because he knew he was doing the right thing, and that Stefan would be there to “comfort” Elena, where he couldn’t.  But now, Damon is stuck playing both Elena’s CONFIDANTE and PROTECTOR, and it’s weighing heavily on his conscience.  He DOESN’T want to ruin Elena’s memories of Stefan, no matter how much that might help him in the “getting laid” department . . .

And while the OLD Damon would have rejoiced in telling Elena that Saint Stefan, wasn’t so saintly anymore, the NEW protective Damon is wracked with guilt for the part he feels he’s played in Stefan’s return to the darkside, and how much he knows it will hurt Elena to know what her first love has become.  But still, she needs to know.  And so, he tells her . . .

“Those are not Klaus’ victims, they’re Stefan’s.  He’s left a trail of bodies, up and down the Eastern Seabord.  He’s flipped the switch, Elena.  So, stop looking for him . . . Stop waiting for him.  He’s NOT coming back . . . not in your lifetime.”

Once again, after delivering a speech like this, the OLD Damon would have just stormed out of the room, without a second thought, because THAT would be all that was required to “keep Elena alive.”  But we see Damon hesitate here, as Elena’s eyes begin to tear up.  He stops and reaches out, as if to hug Elena, but ultimately, things better of it and leaves . . .

And it’s an awful moment for the two of them, who are both missing Stefan, for their own reasons, and can’t quite bring themselves to reach out to one another, when they need eachother most . . .

So, of course, Damon responds to these newfound emotions by angrily trashing Stefan’s over-furnished bedroom.  (Now, THAT’S the dark, self-destructive Damon we know and love! ;))

Meanwhile, outside the party (if you could still call it that . . .) . . .

Chunky Monkey?  (Nahh . . . It’s Just Stoned Matt.)

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So, I’ve decided I wouldn’t have despised Matt nearly as much last season, if he was HIGH more often.  High Matt is HILARIOUS!  And I loved the Stoner Comedy Bromance of High Jeremy trying to drive High Matt home, and HIGH Matt inadvertently sitting on Ghost Vicki’s head, when he did so . . .

“I think my brother just farted on me.” 

And yes, yes, I know it was supposed to be all “creepy” and “scary” how Vicki ominously begged for Jeremy to HELP HER, and Anna stared stonily at him from outside his car.

But honestly, I found this storyline to be more comic relief, than anything else.  Particularly, when Matt came back to Jeremy’s house, after the party, to eat all of Alaric’s Chunky Monkey . . .

“You know, Useless Aunt Jenna always used to eat Alaric’s Chunky Monkey too . . . he didn’t seem to mind.”

CHUNKY MONKEY!!!!!!

 . . . and Jeremy tried to confide in Matt about the whole, “I see dead people” thing, . . .

 . . . and Matt pretty much chalked Jeremy’s visions up to loneliness and BAD WEED.  But, honestly, wouldn’t you, if you lived ANYWHERE ELSE BESIDES MYSTIC FALLS?

MATT:  “Don’t YOU wanna get WITH this?  Have I mentioned, I’m single?”

JEREMY:  “Yes, about 18 times.  And in the car, on the way home, you SANG it.”

A Plain Old Walk of Shame is Looking Pretty Good Right Now, Isn’t it Caroline?

Sometimes, karma can be a b*tch.  Like when you plan to sneak off on your new Boy Toy, while he’s still asleep, in order to avoid a “potentially awkward conversation.”

And your new Boy Toy’s mom comes in, and randomly shoots you with what looks like a Toy Gun from the movie Star Wars . . .

“Ummm . . . Tyler . . . I hate to break it to you considering we just f*&ked and all but I think your Mom is secretly Darth Vader.”

*breathes heavily* “Ty-ler . . . I am your Mo-ther.”

“You have a Collect Call from Ripper Stefan.  Do You Accept the Charges?  (Because if you don’t, he’ll eat you.)”

Some happy birthday, Elena has had!  After the party, she comes back to her kitchen to find Alaric bailing.  Because, you know, sitting around completely wasted at a party while underage kids drink and have sex, either makes you the WORST or the COOLEST chaperone ever, I can’t decide which.

“Don’t be too hard on yourself, Alchy-ric!  I mean, hey, you were a WAY better guardian than Useless Aunt Jenna!  At least you never let evil supernatural creatures who wanted to kill me into the house!  That’s a definite plus next to your name!” 

Alaric tells Elena that she can do a better job raising herself, and Jeremy, without him.  And while that might be true, I still think it was kind of lame of him to ditch her on her birthday, especially in light of all that had happened, during this episode . . .

But don’t worry, Ric, I’m sure I’ll love you again tomorrow . . . and the day after that .  . . and the day after that .  . .

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(I’m not sure I’m entirely digging your new, “I’m Depressed” Hairdo though . . . You might want to get that checked out by a stylist . . .)

“I’m way too engrossed in my “Man Pain,” to engage in normal hygiene procedures, like showering, shaving and stuff . . .Maybe, I’ll consider doing those things, if I ever get another non-vampire girlfriend again . . .”

In the final moments of the episode, Elena heads upstairs to find a hand-drawn artistic card from Jeremy (Nice touch remembering he has Mad Art Skillz, Writers!), right next to Elena’s trademark stuffed teddy bear . . .

I’d sleep with them BOTH! 

Then, she ALMOST misses a call from Stefan the Mouth Breather, but manages to pick it up . . .

 

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For the past two seasons, TVD fans have been forever searching for signs of Damon’s humanity.  And, I suspect, this season will be about watching for the signs of the RETURN of Stefan’s.  The fact that Elena’s reminder to him that she still LOVES HIM, brings him to tears, tells us that he hasnt TOTALLY given in to his vampiric impulses  . . . yet . . .

Of course, on the other hand, if Stefan’s love for his brother, and his reassurance of Elena’s love for HIM are all that’s keeping him from going FULL RIPPER, what would happen if BOTH of those individuals ended up betraying his love .  . . together?

Ripper Stefan is at a precipice right now.  He could really go either way.  And Klaus’ prediction that, with each kill, Stefan will find it easier and easier to let go of his humanity, might very soon prove to be prophetic . . .

And there you have it folks . . . the Season 3 Premiere of TVD in a VERY LARGE nutshell . . . SOOOOO .  . . tell me . . . what did you think? 😉

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

The Vampire Diaries’ Season 3 Premiere “The Birthday” – We’re Liveblogging It!

“Did someone say something about a Naked Liveblog?  Because I definitely could be down for something like that.”

“I’m not going to look at Damon’s package . . . I’m not going to look at Damon’s package .  . . I’m not going to . . .  HOLY CRAP THAT’S BIG!  I’m sorry.  What’s this about a Liveblog?  I got . . . distracted.”

It’s that time again, Fangbangers!  The Vampire Diaries is returning for it’s third season, this Thursday!  And you know what that means, right?

Yes, I know you’re hungry, Stefan.  But that really doesn’t answer my question . . .

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Now we’re talking.  I am definitely expecting some sex, this season, Caroline . . .  specifically, YOUR sex .  . . with TYLER.

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What else have you got for me?

Excellent point, Damon and Elena!  I am hoping to see some seriously sexually tense moments between you two, in Season 3 (and maybe MORE than sexually tense;))?

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(You know I’m rooting for you, Big Guy!  Just keep doing that “Eye Thing” you do, and I’m sure you will win her over, eventually.)

Anything else . . .

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In a minute, Stefan!  Can’t you see, I’m working here?

Oh, stop pouting!  It’s unbecoming of a man your age!  Come on!  What else can we expect from this season?

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A ghost threesome between Jeremy, Anna and Vicki .  . . Yes, I’m definitely looking forward to that!  (So is Jeremy, I suspect.)  Anything else?

Sure, Kat, I think it’s safe to say there to be SOME dancing.  Is that all?

Yes!  Stefan and Klaus!  Team Ripper . . . breaking hearts . . . and eating them . .  . one defenseless human at a time.  I’m expecting to see A LOT of that this season . . .

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Of course, a new Vampire Diaries’ Season Premiere ALSO means a new CRAAAAAAZY liveblog, courtesy of my brilliant blogging pals, Amy, of ImaginaryMen, Cherie, of SpideySense, and myself . . .

What’s a LiveBlog, you ask?  Well, it’s kind of like a chat room where you can talk (well, more accurately, “type”) about “The Birthday” with other fabulous fangirls (and boys), like yourself, while the show is airing.  Or, if you’re shy, just sit back, relax, and let us do the work for you!

Well . . . don’t get too relaxed.  Because then you won’t be able to watch the show! 

 In addition to covering the play-by-play of the episode, and repeatedly cooing over the hotness of the show’s cast  (Comments like “OMG!  HE IS SO GORGEOUS!” are, of course, inevitable, in these types of forums, and TOTALLY welcome!)

We aren’t blind, after all . . . 

 . .  . Amy, Cherie and I will also be regaling you with screenshots from the episode, hot photos of the cast, and fun live polls, in which can take part.

TYLER: *reads*  “Who’s the hottest character on The Vampire Diaries?  I’m going to go with choice “C,” Tyler!”

CAROLINE:  “Hmmmm . . . what are the other choices?”

TYLER:  “Hey!  Don’t make me BITE YOU!”

Of course, if you miss the LiveBlog, and want to check it out after the episode airs, you can do that too!

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Just to give you an idea of what you can expect from us, here’s an example of a LiveBlog we did back in May, for the show’s Season 2 Finale.

Well . . . at least one person seemed to enjoy it . . . 

(Oh, and just a quick note, because we had some confusion last year.  A LiveBlog is not the same thing as a LiveStream.  Unfortunately, the technology we have available to us from CoverItLive does not allow us to stream the episode to other viewers, over the internet.  It provides ”chat” services only.  There are a number of other websites that will stream the episode for you, of course.  However, us fangirls don’t have the resources – or the necessary legal approval – to offer you that particular service.  Sorry, in advance!)

No need to get all huffy, Damon!  I just didn’t want anyone to get confused.  That’s all! 

So, if you are up for celebrating The Vampire Diaries’ Season 3 Premiere with a bunch of kooky fangirl bloggers, who share a love of  both snarky commentary and shirtless vampires . . .

We love you too, Katherine! 

CLICK HERE at 8 p.m. on Thursday, September 15th! 

Until then, feel free to watch (and rewatch, and rewatch . . .) this extended preview for the Season 3 Premiere of The Vampire Diaries . . .

 . . . and THIS sexy new Teaser for the series . . .

 . .. and THIS brand new, SUPER SECRET scene from “The Birthday” .  . .