Whose Team are YOU on? – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Catch Me If You Can”

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In a world where TV Viewers are defined, not only by the shows that they watch, but by the couples they ship while they are watching them, “Amazing Race”-type plotlines, like the one found in this week’s TVD episode, are not only encouraged, they are inevitable!  Just like with Real People, competition brings about both the best and the worst attributes of our characters.  It highlights their strengths, exposes their weaknesses, and awakens their basest instincts.

Who will win the Race for the Vampire Cure?  Who will defeat their adversaries in a Battle to the Death?  And who will end up sucking . . . blood?   Only time will tell, Fangbangers.  Time . . . and this recap, of course!

[Special thanks to Andre, whose snark and awesome screencaps know no bounds!]

Team Hunky Arms and Human Teddy Bear

When we last left the World’s Cutest Ambiguously Gay Duo, Mattykins and Jer Bear, they were in a bar, surrounded by freshly turned newbie vamps.

Silly Matt!  Don’t you realize that wearing a varsity jacket to a bar not only tells everyone you are underage, it also tells them you are “not yet legal?”

Jer Bear, aside from occasionally erupting into a murderous rage against his own sister, is still, for all intents and purposes, a “Good Guy.”  So, of course, he balks at the idea of killing “innocents.”

This makes Klaus mad!

And when Klaus gets mad, everyone suffers . . . especially Mattykins, who the newbie vamps have just been compelled to believe is a tender juicy steak with eyes, ripe for the chewing.

Run Matt, Run!  The Sexy Cabin is waiting!

The “Run Through The Forest” sequence at the beginning of this episode has a fun sort of video game quality to it, in which each of our resident “heroes” takes turns rescuing Damsel in Distress Mattykins from a nameless, faceless, Vampire Zombie Type.

“I feel so used!”

First Jeremy does his “Cross-Bow” thing.  Then, Damon does his “Heart Tugging” thing . . .

Then, Elena pops up out of literally nowhere, and does . . . well, whatever it is she does . . .

“Gee thanks, ex-girlfriend!  As if the past five minutes haven’t emasculated me enough!”

The video game ends and the sex games begin with Mattykins, Elena and JerBear returning safely to Sexy Cabin.  There, the only monsters they will have to battle are the ones they invite inside . . . provided they don’t screw up, and spring for pizza again . . .

Team Hunky Arms and Sexy Eyes

“Our plans are lame, but our hotness makes up for it.”

Back inside Sexy Cabin, Jeremy has regrettably come to the conclusion that, cuddly though he may be, Human Teddy Bear Mattykins is more of a liability than an asset in the Race for the Cure.  It’s time to trade him in for an “Older, More Vintage” model . . .

Elena is not entirely cool with this . . . until Damon tells her that she is cool with it.  Then, she decides it’s a Great Idea!

So, Damon and Elena have sex!

(Actually, they don’t.  But I was annoyed by the lack of Delena in this episode, particularly after their triumphant “I Love You” exchange, last week.  And I decided to use a little poetic license.  So, sue me!)

Team Lonely Hearts

“Dear Diary . . . blah, blah, blah Elena . . . blah, blah, blah Feelings .  . . blah, blah, blah SO SAAAAAAAAAD . . . blah, blah, blah I’M FREAKING HUNGRY!”

Sprawled out on her ex-boyfriend’s bed, and waiting for him to emerge from the shower in all his shirtless, muscle-y, glory, Rebekah probably wishes she was reading Fifty Shades of Grey or Gone Girl, or any other book about dysfunctional relationships that isn’t Stefan’s Mopey Diary.  Yet, she gallantly endures the tedium of Stefan’s writing.  Because, when it comes to the Race for the Cure, knowing thy teammate is almost as important as knowing thyself.  And besides . . .

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 . . . when he’s not perpetually Boo-Hooing over Elena, This Guy is actually kind of HOT!  Who knew?

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Yes, I do, Stefan.  You look goooood.

Without a vampire hunter or a witch on their side, Rebekah and Stefan decide that their key to winning the Race for the Cure is finding Silas’ headstone.  You know, because hunks of cement beat live human beings any day, and twice on Sundays.

“Go Team Stebekah!”

From the get-go, there’s a lot of sexual tension between these two.  They are both really close talkers, and enjoy invading each other’s personal space.

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I just haven’t decided yet if that’s because these two have good chemistry with one another, or if they are both just REALLY, REALLY HORNY!

“I didn’t mean to do it!  I swear, I thought it was his weiner!”

Team Bloody Nose and Brillo Pad Hair

Oh crap!  Are these two staring at candles again?

“It’s just so . . . beautiful!  I think I’m going to write an emo song about it.”

Fortunately, Lizard Forbes is on the case.  She uses her badge to combat the boredom of Bonnie and Professor Flower Child.

“Scenery chewing is a federal offense.  You’re under arrest, douchebag!”

“Cool!  I’m getting arrested.  This is totally going to up my street cred!”

Honestly, I’m so thankful to Lizard Forbes for saving this scene that it almost makes me forget about that time she tried to have her own daughter killed, just because she turned into a vampire . . .

Bonnie, of course, wants to know why the Lizard has so rudely interrupted her intense game of Candle Staring.  To this inquiry, Lizard replies, “Ask your father.”

In the wise words of Yoda, “Thickening . . . the plot is . . .”

“Honestly, I just really hate candles.”

All Hail, Kol Mikaelson!

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I hate to say it, but I think, right now, Kol is the only one on this show with any good sense.  I mean, come on . . . “raising the dead,” “curing immortality,” “more powerful than an Original Vampire?”  It’s SOOO obvious this Silas guy is being set up as the show’s Next Big Bad, just in time for Klaus to get his spinoff.  So why does the entire Scooby Gang seem intent on giving this guy a wakeup call?

(Also, I’m pretty sure Professor Shane is actually a disembodied Silas, whose working to get back into his own body, to re-activate his dormant powers.  But that’s neither here nor there . . .)

Anywhoo, Team Hunky Arms and Sexy Eyes head back to the bar to pick up chicks continue their “hunting expedition.”

Hunting Rule 101: When trying to catch your prey by surprise, it’s probably a bad idea to stand under a BIG BRIGHT LAMP, while carrying a HUGE CROSSBOW.

So, this bar . . . it’s not exactly the kind of place you want to toss back a few beers, and sway drunkenly to “Sweet Child of Mine.”  For one thing, check out the floor . . .

“Something’s wrong,” remarks Damon, sagely.

Gee!  Ya think?

You know what I like to do, when I go to a bar, and the floor looks like that?

Yeah . . . I think that’s probably the normal response.  Certainly not, “Let’s go hang out in the freezer,” which is exactly what Jeremy and Damon ended up doing . . .

This is what happens to people who hang out  in the freezers of bars with bloody floors . . .

“Chill out, guys!  Get it . . . chill?  Because we’re in a freezer.  Whatever!  Socrates and Jesus both thought that joke was hilarious!  You millennials have no sense of humor!”

In the freezer, Damon and Jer Bear find That Other Lost Original Who Isn’t Elijah . . .

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At first, Kol actually behaves pretty peaceably.  He calmly explains to the duo a simple formula that even they can understand.  And here it is . . .

                     awakening Silas = bringing about the Apocalypse

bringing about the Apocalypse = BAD

DON’T WAKE SILAS!

Damon and Jer Bear ponder this for a moment, and decide,  “Nah, Apocalypse, Shmockalypse.  We should wake Silas anyway . . . after all, it’s FOR ELENA!”

So, Kol is forced to take matters into his own hands . . .

“Is it Friday yet?”

Bonnie Bennett is THE CLOSER

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Wanna get a man to confess to the mass murder of twelve townspeople?  Put him in the room with a Really Pissed Off Witch!  Bonnie went all Dark Willow on Professor Shane’s ass in the Mystic Falls interrogation room, this week.

And it actually gave me a great idea for a TV show.  Think about it.  What are the two most popular kinds of television dramas out there today?  Police procedurals and Supernatural shows.  So, why not combine those two for a show about a witch who uses dark magic to force confessions out of serial killers?  Not bad, right?

Except, was I the only one who was a bit disappointed that Bonnie’s first Descent into Evil featured her doing nothing more than setting a small trash can fire, and giving Professor Shane would looked like a Really Bad Case of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome?

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Seriously?  Dark Willow would have blasted Professor Dimbulb’s ass to the next century for saying all the crap he was saying about Bonnie’s Grams!

The Bennett witch just gave him a glorified paper cut . . .

“Dammit Bonnie!  Now I’ll never be a hand model!”

And yet, I think this scene was important because it foreshadowed two future plotlines: (1) Bonnie’s inevitable descent into Dark Willow 2: The Straight-to-Video Version “Bad Witch” territory; and (2) her developing her own motives for getting the cure, based upon a desire to bring her grandmother back from the dead.

Team Klaus and Elena?

While Caroline was out “shopping,” or whatever the f&*k she was doing throughout this episode . . .

I never said she was, Tyler.  Thou doth protest too much?

 . . . Matt had the unlucky job of being the Obligatory Delena Doubter of the Hour.  There he was, in Elena’s ear, telling our heroine that her boyfriend is BAAAAAAD news . . .

“Payback’s a b*tch.”

We interrupt this “scintillating conversation” for an Important Phone Call . . .

It’s Jeremy!  Kol has KIDNAPPED DAMON!

Desperate times call for desperate measures.  And Elena actually ends up going to Klaus for help, which is weird on so many levels . . .

“Hey Elena!  Come sit on Santa Klaus’ lap, and tell him how much you want the Vampire Cure for Christmas.”

Interestingly enough, Klaus and Elena are actually on the same side, in this instance.  Though they each have their own reasons, these two BOTH want the cure, and they BOTH want to keep Jeremy Gilbert alive and safe . . . at least for the time being.  So, Klaus agrees to call in a “brotherly favor” on Elena’s behalf . . .

“Sup, bro?”

“Oh, the usual . . . just torturing and manipulating people for my own personal gain.”

“No sh*t!  Me too!”

It’s a real testament to Klaus’ stupidity arrogance that he seems to truly believe that he can get Kol to STOP trying to murder Jeremy, just because he asked nicely.

Kol gives Klaus his “word” that he won’t touch Jeremy Gilbert.  And he does keep his promise . . . by compelling Damon to kill Jeremy for him . . .

Team ?

More Whisper Talking and Eye F*&ks for these two, as they scope out Professor Nerdy Pants’ office for Silas’ headstone.

Rebekah and Stefan then enter into that age old question that teen dramas cope with, time and time again.  Is no frills sex possible, on a consistent basis?  One night stands are one thing.  But can you repeatedly bone the same individual, without “catching the dreaded feelings” for that person?

Stefan and Rebekah seem primed to test that theory, right there on Professor Needle Weiner’s desk. But then, Some Random Guy comes and grabs Silas’ headstone, which, conveniently, is precisely what Team Lonely Hearts had broken in to find!

The question is, who sent this guy, and what team is HE ON?  Unfortunately, Some Random Guy would rather chew off his own tongue, and kill himself than let you find out . . .

This is usually how I feel on Sunday nights . . .

Team Zombie Damon?

“Must . . . Kill . . . Jer Bear . . .”

“But he’s SO CUTE . . . and has really nice arm muscles.”

“Must . . . kill .  . . him . . . anyway.”

I always find the concept of vampire compulsion fascinating.  You see, unlike humans, vampires KNOW they are being compelled.  So, there’s this interesting dichotomy between what they WANT to be doing, and what they are ACTUALLY doing.  The moment Damon hunts down Jeremy at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, he realizes that Kol has compelled him to murder Jeremy.  And yet a part of him WANTS to obey, while the other part is WARNING Jeremy to run away from him, and / or shoot him in the heart.  Damon’s babbling on about this like a Crazy Person, as he chases the vampire hunter through that old underground railroad place where Tyler used to do his “Werewolf Transformation Thing.”

It’s a TOTAL Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde conundrum!

Jeremy ends up shooting Damon in the BRAIN, instead of the heart, which only places a temporary bandaid on the problem.  (I guess he’s not really a zombie, after all!)

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Then, Elena pops up to tell Damon he should fight the compulsion to kill Jeremy because he loooooves Elena so much.  “It worked for Stefan,” she helpfully implies . . .

Here’s some helpful advice for you, Elena.  Please don’t be one of those girls who always talks about your Old Boyfriend with your New One.  Guys hate that!  How would YOU feel, if Damon started comparing sex with you to the sex he’s had with the 20,000 other women he’s laid before you?

Exactly!

Also, let’s not compare apples to oranges here.  Stefan was able to fight the compulsion to EAT ELENA.  That’s very different from fighting a compulsion to EAT ELENA’S BROTHER.  Stefan loved Elena.  Damon loves Elena.  Damon . . . likes Jeremy very much.  Hence, these are two totally different situations.  Comprende?

Speaking of Stefan, Elena ends up calling him for help.  And though he first balks at the idea, Baby Salvatore conveniently arrives in the “forest” just in time to stop the bullet Jeremy shoots toward Damon’s heart AND break his brother’s neck, thereby putting him out of commission long enough for Elena and Jer Bear to make a quick escape.

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Since Damon will remain compelled to kill Jeremy, until Kol is either daggered or permanently killed, Stefan ends up draining Damon of blood and locking him in that convenient cage in La Casa de Rich and Awesome, where Stefan and Damon always lock each other when one or the other of them is “being bad.”

“Your turn!”

This seems to happen at least once or twice per season . . .

Team Stelena Team Stefan and PRIDE

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Elena heads over to La Casa de Rich and Awesome to check on Damon.  Needless to say, Stefan is not happy to see her.  And her repeated requests are met with stone cold denial . ..

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There still remains the risk that Elena might free Damon, as a result of the sire bond.  And Damon will inadvertently kill Jeremy.  So, in a sense, Stefan is protecting Elena and Damon from themselves.  But that doesn’t mean he’s happy about it.

And Elena, well . . . sometimes, she just doesn’t know when to SHUT UP . . .

She has to go nag Stefan about palling around with his ex, Rebekah, when, really, she should be thrilled that he’s FINALLY moving on, like she already has.  She lectures Stefan about his bad attitude . . .

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And yeah, we can all see where she’s coming from.  Stefan has been acting like a bit of a douche this week . . Why does that make him more attractive to me?  Clearly, I have issues.

But for Elena to say that Stefan’s behavior is “out of character” for him, is kind of out of line.  After all, the guy is what, 160 some odd years old?  And Elena has known him for . . . maybe two of those years?  Elena never really knew Stefan as the Ripper, or the depressive, who spent years underground trying to kick his human blood drinking habit cold turkey.  And most of all, Elena never knew Stefan as a human, in love with a girl named Katherine Petrova.

So, who is to say what’s “normal” and what isn’t for Stefan?  He was in his right, telling her that this is how he looks when he isn’t in love with her . . . even if his words are OBVIOUS lies . . .

This is the “Everybody Loves Elena” show, after all . . .

But Stefan and Damon aren’t the only characters who are having a bad day.  Rebekah has a confrontation with Kol, during which she almost daggers him, and HE almost STAKES HER . . . permanently.  Ouch!

Though Klaus comes to his siblings rescue, his presence isn’t exactly comforting to Rebekah, especially, when that presence advocates the murder of her own brother . . .

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Honestly, with all the stress they’ve been under, can you blame Stefan and Rebekah for wanting to end their day with a little No Frills Sex?

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Now, maybe it’s just me.  But, somehow, I don’t see the “Girl Who Loved Too Easily” . . .

 . . . and Broody McCryFace . . .

 . . . being successful in this whole “Friends with Benefits” undertaking.

Of course, I could be wrong . . .

In Other News . . .

Klaus has just threatened to take Jeremy on one of his “Let’s Murder, Roadtrips.”

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And we all know how those tend to work out . . .

So, Elena has another idea.  “Let’s KILL KOL!”  She tells Jeremy excitedly.

You know, because directly murdering twelve innocent baby vamps is WRONG.  But indirectly murdering 5,000 of them is TOTALLY cool!

Yeah . . . remember back when Elena thought that Kol might be the Daddy of the Sire Line that made Damon and Stefan; and she wanted to protect his life at all costs?  That’s OK, neither does she!

Next week, on TVD . . .

See you then, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Vampire Group Therapy – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “After School Special”

“Stefan, I believe you still have unresolved issues, regarding your father’s death.”

“Why?  Because I ate him?”

Given that they are all basically immortal serial killers,  it makes sense that our vampire friends would have a bit more baggage, than your average high school student.

After all, they all have more to feel guilty about (dead bodies, broken hearts), and more time to think about how guilty they feel.  For a long time, I’ve been secretly hoping our Mystic Falls Scooby Gang would get some serious therapy.  And now, thanks to “After School Special,” it seems they’ve all been forced to do just that!  (Thanks Rebekah, Klaus, and That Annoying Witch Doctor Guy!)

“I had a therapist once.  She was tasty.”

As an added bonus, when the TVD Gang gets therapy, we get therapy!  So, pull up a chair, compel yourself to sit in it, and let the healing begin!

Unnecessary Fun-ness

Another day, another memorial.  This time it’s for poor Carol Lockwood, who spent her final moments, with her head upside down in a fountain, getting the Worst Swirly Ever, at the hands of one Klaus Mikaelson.

The attendees are doing that thing you do at memorials, where you take one candle flame, and pass it around the room until everyone’s candle is lit.  It’s a nice gesture .  . . or, at least, it would be, if you momentarily forgot about all the Mystic Falls residents, who died by LIGHTING THEMSELVES ON FIRE a few weeks back . . .

. . . not to mention the one who got blown up, back in Season 1 (like Tyler’s dad).

Tyler can’t handle it.  He gets up right in the middle of the assembly and leaves.  I can’t say I blame him for being leery of memorials.  I mean, not only is this one for his poor mother.  At the last one he attended, he made a bad speech . . . and ended up getting SHOT MULTIPLE TIMES IN THE STOMACH.

Elena leaves too, but that’s just because she’s rude.  She thinks she sees the heretofore-daggered Rebekah, in the crowd, and needs to investigate.  While she’s roaming the hallways, we meet the new interim mayor.

“She gets her nosebleeds from me.”

It’s Bonnie’s dad . . . who’s last name, oddly enough, is not Bennett (It’s Hopkins.).  This doesn’t make much sense, considering that Bonnie lives with her dad, and not her mom. So, you would think she would keep his last name.  No matter .  . . He’ll probably be dead, in about three episodes anyway.  So, we won’t have to bother remembering him.  It just occurred to me that Bonnie is the only character on this show, who still has a father.    That’s got to make her worthy of some award, or something . . . The Last Dad Standing Award . . .

Anywhoo, Rebekah’s new b*tch, April the Brainless, acts as bait for Elena.  She sobs and whimpers in the hallway, so that Elena, being the “Sweet Vampire Girl” we know her to be, will not be able to resist comforting her.  This gives Rebekah the perfect opportunity to come from behind, and literally, break our heroine’s neck.

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“Was that necessary?”  April the Brainless (whose already gotten so used to watching people get temporarily murdered in front of her, she doesn’t even bat an eyelash) asks.

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“No, but it was fun,” Rebekah replies, as she drags “dead” Elena to the library for some impromptu Detention Therapy.

Sex, Lies and Detention

Meanwhile, Stefan’s at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, getting day drunk, and feeling sorry for himself.

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He’s also gabbing on the phone with Caroline, whose bitching about how her boyfriend hasn’t been making time for her, since HIS MOM AND 98.6% OF HIS FRIENDS WERE MURDERED, IN THE COURSE OF A SINGLE EVENING.  That Tyler . . . SO SELFISH!

Stefan gets another call.  It’s Rebekah.  She is holding Stefan’s Not Girlfriend captive in the library.  “Come and get her!” She instructs

Everybody knows, even Single Mopey Stefan can’t resist the tantalizing allure of playing yet another round of the Save Elena Games.  So, off he goes to his “maiden’s rescue,” but not before inviting Caroline to come along for the ride.

Next thing you know, Caroline and Stefan are at the high school.  And it isn’t long before Rebekah’s kidnapped THEM too.  She’s got them all holed up in the library, where she’s compelled them not to leave, and to tell her “the truth and nothing but the truth,” no matter what she asks.

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It’s just like that film the Breakfast Club!  Rebekah will be playing the pot-stirring role of “the Rebel,” Stefan is “the Jock,” Elena and Caroline are both “Beauties,” and April is “the Moron.”  (Funny, I don’t remember that last character from the movie.)

(By the way, that trailer TOTALLY spoils the WHOLE MOVIE!)

Drill Sergeant Damon and Jeremy’s Arm Muscles

Meanwhile, back at Sexy Cabin, Jeremy and Matt are showing off their massive arm muscles . . . er . . . I mean . . . “training to kill vampires.”  Coach Damon is sitting off on the sidelines, looking Too Cool For School, in his leather jacket.  He’s got a voicemail from Elena on his cell phone, that he listens to, whenever he needs “inspiration” for all this sitting he’s been doing.  When he gets bored of looking cool, and listening to Elena’s voice, he beats the crap out of Jeremy, just because he can.

When the “Hot Pizza Delivery Girl” makes an appearance, I’m thinking this could be the start of a really great Old School Porno!

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But alas, Damon sends her away.

Old Damon would NEVER have done that!

*insert sound of Elena cracking a whip on his behind*

Then, Klaus pays them a visit.  He wants to know why Jeremy hasn’t killed anymore vampires yet.  After all, that’s the point of all this time spent in Sexy Cabin, isn’t it?  To have sex with anonymous pizza delivery girls and sometimes eachother teach Jeremy to kill vampires, and grow his Map Tattoo to the Cure, without accidentally / on purpose going batsh*t crazy, and ripping off his sister’s head.

Ever the patient teacher, Klaus gives his errant students an impromptu lesson in simple mathematics . . .

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Damon explains that Jeremy’s “not ready.” This causes Klaus to give his younger pal / nemesis, a free therapy session of his own.  He says Damon is subconsciously trying to keep Jeremy from killing, so as to impress Elena with his “newfound” goodness.  Klaus believes Damon needs a more “healthy” outlet for his sexual frustration.

So, Damon shoots Klaus in the stomach . . . Now, that’s what I call “catharsis!”

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Truth, Dare or Mope

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Now, don’t forget, Rebekah’s been daggered a while.  So, she’s missed the whole “Elena’s in love with Damon / sire bond / Stelena breakup” thing.  She compels the gang to give her a little recap, and looks legitimately turned on, when she finds out that Damon and Elena have been boning, and Stefan knows all about it.

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Elena, who mistakenly thought she could trust her so-called bestie Caroline to keep her little sex secrets, shoots Vampire Barbie a death stare for spilling the beans to Stefan.  Personally, I think she should have taken a page out of her new boyfriend Damon’s book, and shot the girl in the stomach.  But that’s just me . . .

Things start to get really interesting, when Rebekah compels Elena to explain WHY she slept with Damon.  She unblinkingly tells the group that she did it, not because of that LAME PLOT DEVICE sire bond, but because she LOVES Damon.

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We interrupt this recap, so that I can do a little DANCE OF JOY . . .

Thank you.  We now return to your regularly scheduled programming . . .

More Truth Bombs from Elena:

(1) When she’s with Damon, she feels unpredictable and free!

(2) When she’s with Stefan, she feels like a broken toy that needs to be fixed.

Look at our little Elena, being all metaphor-y!  Good for her, I say!

Ah, decisions, decisions . . . to be a broken toy, or a hot sex kitten.  We can certainly understand why this choice would confuse Elena . . .

Here, Elena is eloquently expressing an issue many fans have had with the Stelena relationship, ever since she turned vamp.  Stefan seems to be more interested in trying to fix Elena, than in actually being with her.  He seems to love the idealized version of Elena he has in her head, more than he loves the real thing.

Consequently, Elena’s love for Stefan has similarly taken on a “past tense.”  She still loves Stefan.  But she is no longer in love with him.

Understandably, this comes as a major blow to Stefan, who has always comforted himself with the notion that the “sire bond,” and only the sire bond, was to blame for Elena’s change in heart.  But, as it turns out, Elena’s reasons for falling out of love with Stefan, are not only chemical and emotional, they are also rational and logical.  Compulsion doesn’t lie.

Cue the brooding . . . and the Angry Tears . . .

Rebekah, of course, is THRILLED with this turn of events, as most of us are, when the people who have dumped us, end up getting dumped in return . . .  And in her honor, I proudly present to you, the Former Dumpee’s Anthem . . .

In other news, Rebekah learns that Shane, a.k.a. Professor Numb Nuts, is the key to finding the CURE to vampirism.  This information isn’t nearly as fun as the gossip about Stefan and Elena.  But it’s probably a bit more useful . . .

In which Shane and April BOTH almost die (YAY!), but neither of them actually does (BOO!)

Bonnie hasn’t much to do these past few episodes, aside from sit in Professor Brillo Pad Head’s apartment and “light candles with her mind.”  (Despite what it sounds like, that’s not a euphemism for anything fun.)  In the beginning of this episode, she’s not even doing that.  She’s just b*tching about her dad, and how he doesn’t appreciate her witchiness, or whatever.

On a positive note, I really liked her outfit!

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Professor Shane decides to “Yoda” Bonnie . . .

. . . by telling her “the force is with her,” and giving her some ugly ass necklace that vaguely resembles soap on a rope to prove it . . .

Then, he kicks her out of his apartment, so that he can have sex with his new hot vampire boyfriend Kol.

Just kidding!  Kol actually kidnaps Shane, and takes him to Rebekah’s Detention Therapy Thingy.

When Bonnie figures out what happened, she rushes to Professor Douchenozzle’s rescue.

“Come on MAGIC!  Hurry up!  I have a Silas Professor to save!  Maybe if I start picking my nose, it will bleed faster, and I could be done with this in time to watch Dowton Abbey.”

Meanwhile,  Tyler is rushing to Caroline’s rescue, after a call from Rebekah, about her “kidnapping.”

And that, my friends, is how shows on the CW save on production value.  They get the entire cast in a single room, containing nothing but some books and a few chairs, and shoot the entire episode there.

But I digress, back to the Mikaelsons . . .

Like brother like sister AND brother!

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Upon learning that Professor Weinerhead can’t be compelled, Kol and Rebekah decide to torture information about the cure out of him, by repeatedly dunking his head in water.  “Blah, blah, blah  . . . Big Bad Silas glug, glug, blah blah blah,” is basically what I get out of this scene.

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Then, Bonnie comes, and tries to “protect” Shaney-poo with her ugly soap on a rope necklace.  But like most of Bonnie’s spells, this one ends up being a dud.  Bonnie accidentally links Professor Little Prick with APRIL of all people!  And she starts coughing up water and turning blue.

Wait.  Did I say this plan was a dud?  I mean, it’s AWESOME!  We get to kill two pain in the ass character’s in ONE FELL SWOOP!

Can I get a hell yeah?

Things get even better, when my new hero, Kol Mikaelson, stakes Shane, and he and April both “die.”  WOO HOO!

But alas, Stefan saves April, by giving her blood.  And Professor Mush Mouth just “wakes up” from his would-be fatal stabbing.

Better luck next time?

Meanwhile, back at Sexy Cabin . . .

The Return of Hot Pizza Delivery Girl

Hot Pizza Delivery Girl is back on Jeremy’s doorstep, because her “truck broke down,” and her “cell phone is out of juice.”  Yeah, we’ve all heard that one before!

So, here I am getting excited, and thinking, maybe I’m going to get some porn, after all.

But alas, this is just Klaus compelling a newbie vampire to walk herself into certain death, in service of Jeremy’s Hunter’s Mark.  Hot Pizza Delivery Girl shows her fangs.  And Jeremy has killed her, before she can say, “Did anybody order the Extra Pepperoni in my pants?”

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Fang

Here’s a question for you to ponder, Fangbangers.  If you had the choice to erase a particularly painful moment from your memory (a breakup, the death of a family member, a particularly traumatic experience) would you do it?  If a good experience ends badly, is the pain of that loss so insurmountable, that it is worth erasing that experience entirely?

We know, from past experience that Damon Salvatore would answer those questions in the negative.  We’ve heard him tell Elena that he would gladly re-experience all his suffering over Katherine, because this suffering ultimately brought him to her.  Damon is someone who believes that his negative experiences define him, just as much as his positive ones do.

Damon has always worn the battle scars of rejection, heartbreak, and bad decisions, if not necessarily proudly, at least with dignity.  It’s something his younger brother, has never really been able to do.  Stefan has always been ashamed by his Ripper past, which is something he buries deep within himself.  It’s why he seems doomed to repeat it, whenever things don’t go his way.  Denial is a tantalizing drug, to which Stefan has always been addicted.

Given this, it makes sense that Stefan would choose to ERASE all his memories of Elena, rather than live each day with the knowledge that she chose his brother.  Conversely, Damon willingly bore a similar pain of rejection, first with Katherine, then with Elena, for well over a century.

And to be honest, I was kind of disappointed that Rebekah didn’t give him his wish.  It’s been a while since we’ve seen a Stefan who did things other than pine over Elena.  And if I recall correctly, non-pining Stefan was a pretty fun guy, denial, or no denial . . .

Remember that time, when Ripper Stefan walked in on Damon and Elena sharing a moment together, and had this to say?

Now THAT’s what I’m talking about!

But, of course, Rebekah isn’t about to let her ex-boyfriend off the hook that easily.  So, she’s going to let him suffer.

But perhaps not for too long.  You see, Rebekah just compelled Tyler to turn into a werewolf, while locked in a room with Stefan, Elena and Caroline.

So, maybe Stefan will die, before he has to spend more time moping about Elena!

Nahhh . . .

Of course, Tyler’s Big Scary Werewolf Transformation ends up being much ado about nothing.  Tyler locks himself in a room, while he endures the change.  Elena and Stefan run the halls for a few minutes, before its all over.

Then, of course, Elena wants to “talk” to Stefan about the whole “not loving him anymore” thing.

But Stefan’s had enough therapy for one day, thank you very much!  He’d much rather go home and mope .  . . and/or research “do-it-yourself frontal lobe lobatomies” on the internet . . . or, you know . . . stare it his abs . . .

Tyler’s not done with therapy though!  Caroline finds him curled up in a ball, post-transformation.  After weeks of penting up his emotions into manly rage, Tyler finally cries over the loss of his mother and his friends, and his feeling that he somehow let them all down.  Caroline comforts him, and, in doing so, becomes more likeable as a character than she’s been in weeks.

Speaking of things I LIKE!

In which Damon Salvatore FINALLY catches a break . . .

After her therapy session, Elena rushes home and calls Damon.  She’s realized something about their relationship.  She LOVES Damon . . . I mean, really loves him . . . not sire bond loves him . . . or wants to have sex with him loves him . . . Elena GENUINELY, 100%, LOVES Damon Salvatore.  And after three years of dreaming about it, Damon finally gets to hear Elena say those three words, eight letters to him.

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Damon is ecstatic.  He’s blown away.  And there’s a beautiful moment, in which he actually looks up at the sky, and thanks the Heavens for his good fortune . . . and the pain and battle scars that made that good fortune possible.  Then, after weeks of pushing Elena away “for her own good,” Damon finally tells Elena to come and be with him.

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In that happy moment, Damon also becomes more determined than ever to find a cure to Elena’s vampirism.  Why?  Because he still believes that this will make Elena happy.  Also, let’s face it.  Dude is a SERIOUS glutton for punishment.

Kind of gives a brand new meaning to the phrase, “Last Call.”

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After getting a call from Klaus, Damon, Jeremy and Matt arrive at a bar FILLED with vampires in transition, more than enough to enable Jeremy to complete his hunter’s mark.  Klaus wants Jer Bear to kill them all.  Jeremy looks up at Big Daddy Damon with uncertainty.  But the Elder Salvatore brother AGREES WITH KLAUS.

Something tells me this isn’t going to turn out so well for Mini Gilbert . . .

In the final scene of the episode, Stefan surprises Rebekah, by agreeing to join forces with her in search of a vampire cure.

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Remember when I said earlier in the recap that I wanted to see Stefan doing something other than pining after Elena?  Well, it looks like I may have finally gotten my wish.  Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Bad Santa Klaus – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ Mid Season Finale “O Come All Ye Faithful”

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“Oh, you better watch out.  You better not cry.  You better not pout.  I’m telling you why.  Santa Klaus is coming to kill your hybrids . . . and your mom . . . and your romantic relationship . . . and your favorite boots . . . which are now covered in blood . . . because you stepped on some decapitated hybrid . . . while walking through the forest . . . on the way out of town.  Anybody have a napkin I could borrow?”

It’s Christmas, Fangbangers!  Christmas is a time for time for GIVING, LOVING, and SPENDING TIME WITH PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT.  Unless you live in Mystic Falls.  In which case, Christmas is a time for MURDER, MAYHEM, BETRAYAL, DISAPPOINTMENT, AND SENDING THE PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT AWAY IN A CAR WITH BONNIE FOR NO F*CKING LOGICAL REASON WHATSOEVER . . .

Let’s recap, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to Andre for all the screencaps you see here.  Even though he still thinks I write too much about Delena in my recaps.  And it still makes me cry . . .]

“Wanna Come?”

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I concur Damon.  I suspect a lot of the problems I have with this show would cease to exist, if you and your male cast mates spent the entire hour naked . . .  Or, rather, they would still exist, but I wouldn’t remember them.  Because I’d be too busy staring at your . . .

Yes, I went there.  I titled this section “Wanna Come?”  And I meant it to mean exactly what YOU think it means.

In my defense, it’s an actual quote from the scene.  Also in my defense . . . hey . . . at least SOMEONE should be having fun, because it sure as heck isn’t Damon and Elena . . . at least not in this episode . . .

Yes, boys and girls, we open this hour, just as we opened the last one, with Damon and Elena . . . sort of SPOONING . . . in Damon’s bed.  Except, this time, they are fully dressed, and both looking pretty miserable because of it.  Let that be a lesson to you, kiddies.  Clothes are BAAAAAAAD!

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Sleeping in your jeans is really uncomfortable . . . as is sleeping that close to someone who looks like Ian Somerhalder, without jumping his bones . . . or, at least, I imagine it would be uncomfortable.  I can’t really say I know from personal experience . . . yet.

Whereas, in the previous episode,  we saw Damon wake up HAPPY . . .

Now, he’s kind of broody about the whole “not breaking the sire bond / lying to Stefan” thing.  You know what I say to that?  “BAH HUMBUG,” that’s what.  Hey Damon, do you think all those times Stefan slept with Elena, he spent all his post-coital mornings worried about how crappy it would make YOU feel?

Here’s an idea, Damon.  You already did the “wrong” thing, by not breaking the sire bond, when you told Stefan you would.  You already FEEL guilty.  So, why not take your own advice from a previous episode, and just own your guilt?

It would be more fun for you and Elena, for sure.  It also might be more fun for us to watch.  But hey, at least we get to see you take your shirt off again . . .

“Just do it,” Elena says, when Damon makes this deliciously naughty overture toward the love of his life . . .

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Nike would be so proud!

Unfortunately, almost immediately after, Elena  puts the kibosh on any and all possibilities of morning sex, by saying she has to go to the lake house with Bonnie, so that the two of them could help Jeremy, you know, not want to murder Elena and Stuff.

“Wanna come?” Elena asks hopefully . . .

WE DO!  WE DO!  Except you two aren’t letting us!  Such teases!

Klaus Mikaelson . . . He’s one Special Snowflake

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It’s nice to see that Klaus’ plans for World Domination haven’t adversely impacted his passion for Arts and Crafts.

Ponies . . . globs of goo that vaguely resemble poop .  . . a cartoonesque picture of the girl he likes . . . a snowflake.  Klaus may be over 1,000 years old, but in terms of art appreciation, he still seems to prefer painting a range of subjects that would look right at home on the wall at an Elementary School art fair . . .  Maybe that’s why Klaus so much prefers hanging out with teenagers, than with people closer to his own age.  You know, like them . . .

Stefan pops by the Klaus House, because there is important Mythology Stuff that must be relayed to the viewers.  And the writers secretly hope that the homoerotic allure of seeing Klaus and Stefan eyef*&k one another will help us to forget that this particular part of the show sometimes feels like homework . . .

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It totally works, by the way.

Blah blah blah, vampire cure . . . blah blah blah hunter’s mark on Jeremy’s arm equals map to cure . . . blah blah blah sword “owned” by Klaus equals legend for map to cure.  It’s really nothing we haven’t heard before.  But I guess we all need a little refresher course, every once in a while.  And like I said, it’s fun to watch these two flirt with one another, even though we know they’ll never really bone, because this isn’t HBO or Showtime . . .

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Klaus and Stefan – Frenemies with benefits?

Later on in the episode, Klaus and Stefan share even more warm and fuzzies with one another, as they bond over the fact that they both maintain a Murder Victim Keepsake collection.  Stefan writes his victims name on a wall, and Klaus breaks into their homes and steals their letters  . . . you know . . . if they ever actually write any . . . and forget to send them.

“Dear Lover.  If you are reading this, it means you killed me.  So, take this letter and shove it up your ass, you MURDEROUS BASTARD!”

Klaus views this as a sign of shared loneliness.

I view it as a sign of shared psychosis . . .  Except, unlike Saint Stefan, at least Klaus doesn’t glue people’s heads back onto their bodies, after he’s chewed off their necks . . .

Same difference I guess.  But hey, it could be worse.  Klaus could draw ponies for all of his victims.

Meanwhile at Mystic Falls’ Weekly Town Event Where Everyone Dies . . .

The Tale of the Dumbass Martyr

After you’ve been dating someone for awhile,  you begin to develop little tricks to coping with his or her . . . idiosyncrasies.  Tyler has been dating Caroline long enough to realize that she has a bit of a Freak Out Problem . . .

“I’m not angry!  What would make you think I’m angry?”

And this is probably the reason he chooses a VERY public place (i.e. right in the middle of town square) to drop the bombshell on her, that he’s LITERALLY planning on donating his body to Operation Kill Klaus.

“First you go off and live in the mountains for six months, and now this?  I’m beginning to think you’re trying to avoid me.”

*whistles uncomfortably*

I don’t know.  I mean, if they were planning on dumping Tyler’s body, along with Klaus’ “essence” (whatever that means”), into a vat of concrete, anyway, why not just push Klaus into the vat and be done with it?  (It worked on True Blood with Russell Edgington. . . for a half a season, anyway.)  Why must the Scooby Gang always needlessly over complicate things?  This is why their FAILURE RATE is so high . . .

Just saying . . .

Nonetheless, the fact that Tyler is willing to do this for the hybrids that just last week tried to kidnap and kill his girlfriend, just because he believes it’s the “right thing to do,” shows just how far he’s come as a character, since his Season 1 douchebag days.  Tyler’s plan is admirable . . . idiotic, but admirable, which is why Caroline’s nickname for her boyfriend is entirely accurate.  Yes, fangbangers.  Tyler Lockwood is a Martyr.  But he’s also a DUMBASS . . .

Speaking of dumbasses . . .

Have wood, will thrust . . .

OK, so let me get this straight.  You have this guy Jeremy, who has basically been converted into this supernatural serial killer.

You’re inviting his sister over, who he’s once tried to kill,  so you can see if you can get him to STOP trying to kill her.  While he’s waiting for his sister, he’s at this lame lakehouse, where there’s pretty much nothing to do, but sit around and count the tiles on the floor.  And he’s bored.

Let’s brainstorm some things you could do with Latent Serial Killer Boy to keep him occupied, while he waits for his sister.  You could . . . break out some board games . . . like Scrabble, or Jenga . . . maybe even Pictionary.

You could play Twister, or have a dance party . . .

“Ooh what a feeling!  When we’re dancing on the ceiling .  . .”

You could . . . I don’t know . . . have sex with him.

I mean, you could really do anything.  The world is your proverbial oyster.  But, you know what I wouldn’t do?  I wouldn’t GIVE HIM A MASSIVELY LARGE AXE, AND LET HIM GO OUTSIDE ALONE TO CHOP WOOD THAT CAN BE USED TO MAKE STAKES . . .

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All logic reasoning aside . . . Jer Bear is looking gooooooood . . .

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Oh hey, so remember last week, when I complained that the whole “a vampire needs to be invited into your home” rule has been totally abandoned by the show?  Well, they used it this week!  Jeremy had to invite ELENA into her own lake house . . . and then he tried to stake her . . . with the stake he made . . . while chopping the wood, with the massive axe, that Dumbos 1 and 2, i.e. Bonnie and Professor  Numb Nuts, GAVE HIM . . .

Is it weird that I was kind of jealous of Elena, while she was getting almost butchered by her own brother, because having his big burly arms wrapped pressed up against her chest looked like a lot of fun?

ELENA: “Your skin is so baby soft.  What kind of lotion do you use?”

JEREMY: “Vampire Death of Olay”

“Considering we’re siblings and all, it’s probably a little inappropriate that you’re squeezing my ass.”

Doctor Do Nothing’s plan to hypnotize Jeremy into loving Elena again seemed like a bad idea, right off the bat.  And I think I’d be saying that, even if we hadn’t been reminded about 85,000 times since he first appeared that he’s Up to No Good.  Put it this way, they say that if you lose something while you’re drunk, the best way to find it is to get drunk again, because it puts you in the same frame of mind that you were in when you lost it?

Well, that’s kind of how I feel about Jeremy’s hunter tendencies.  He always seems like he’s in a trance, when he’s murdering vampires.  So, putting him in a trance seems like the exact WRONG thing to do, which, I suspect, might have been Stupid Hair, Phd’s plan all along.

Nevertheless, I did find Jeremy’s entranced admission that he “hates” Elena, because she’s indirectly brought about the death of everyone he’s ever loved to be kind of intriguing.  After all, there’s always a sort of truth to the things you do or say in an uninhibited state like trance.  So, even though Jeremy’s murderous tendencies are about 98% due to his hunter’s mark, there seems to be at least 2% that are a result of his unresolved subconscious anger at his sister for all that she’s inadvertently cost him.  That actually adds a surprisingly complex layer to Jeremy Gilbert’s personality that I would like to see explored more deeply in the weeks to come . . .

And here is another “layer” of Jeremy’s character that I’d like explored.  Thank you very much.

Also, I hate to say it, but Zombie Jer kind of has a point.  I mean, think about it: Jeremy’s biological parents, his uncle, Aunt Jenna,  Vicki, Anna, Alaric, almost all the people he’s ever cared about have died in service to the Save Elena Games.  Not that any of these deaths are necessarily Elena’s fault.  But you can’t blame Jeremy’s subconscious for making that very real connection . . .

And now that I’ve said all these nice, warm, fuzzy things about this particular storyline, I feel like I’ve earned the right to be a little bitchy.  Because yeah, I AUDIBLY gagged when it was revealed that BONNIE was Jer Bear’s one link to sanity, because he LOOOOOOOVES her so much.

Oh gross!  I’ve seen paperclips that have more chemistry together than these two . . .

“There’s no place like home.  There’s no place like home.  There’s no place like . . . It didn’t work.  You’re still here.”

But hey!  Now, Jeremy can hug Elena, without snapping her neck.  So, progress?

JEREMY:  *think about Bonnie . .  . think about Bonnie . . . think about Bonnie*

ELENA: “Jeremy get that stake away from my crotch.  I thought they cured you of trying to kill me!”

JEREMY:  “Ummm . . . that’s not a stake.  Maybe this thinking about the girl I want to have sex with, while hugging my sister thing, isn’t such a good idea, after all.”

But you know who ISN’T making progress?

BLOW ME . . . one last kiss.

Outside of the lake house, Elena admits to Damon that she logically knows that she was in love with Stefan, when she spent time with him this same location, last year.  But now she barely remembers it, nor relates to the feelings she supposedly felt so strongly, during that time.  That’s OK Elena, I often try to forget . . . and have difficulty relating to . . . your past relationship with Stefan too!

Damon, of course, is still feeling guilty . . . about the existence of the sire bond . . . about lying to his brother about breaking the sire bond . . . about having the best sex of his life, while Stefan had to listen to Caroline babble for hours . . . about not telling Stefan that he had the best sex of his life . . . and, of course, about not telling Stefan that he was spending the day with Elena at the same lakehouse where Stefan may or may not have had the best sex of his life . . .

That’s a whole lotta guilt for one guy!  And that guilt cup overflows, as Damon watches Elena bond with her brother over Christmas ornaments.

It’s at this moment that Damon makes the Heartbreaking Decision hinted at, by all the promos and episode synopses.  He tells Elena he’s setting her free.

He sends her away with Boring Bonnie (talk about the punishment not fitting the crime!) in a scene that evoked memories of his compelling Jeremy to leave town a couple seasons back.

And that’s what it feels like to me . . . compulsion.  I didn’t like it when it happened to Jeremy.  And I didn’t like it happening here.  In both situations, Damon was doing something ostensibly, for the good of the compelled.  He felt he was setting them free.  But in doing that, he was actually taking AWAY their choice, and forcing them to do something they ordinarily wouldn’t have chosen to do.  We saw it in Jeremy’s confusion, when he decided to selfishly leave his entire family in the middle of the school year, but couldn’t quite figure out why he was doing it.

We see it in Elena, as her body pulls her toward the car, but her heart seems to pull her back, causing her to lean in for one last kiss.

I know that Damon BELIEVES he’s doing the Right Thing.  And I respect that he loves Elena enough to be willing to give her up for the umpteenth time.  I’m just so tired of seeing this guy play the martyr, when it comes to Elena and Stefan.  And I wish the show would FINALLY let him catch a break.  He deserves it . . .

Meanwhile, back home . . .

Mama Don’t Preach . . .

Now, I know Carol Lockwood croaked this week.  So, we’re supposed to be nice to her.  But I’ll admit I had to laugh a little bit, when Tyler told his mommy he was going to allow some random witch to dump his body into a vat of cement for a few decades, AFTER she enabled him to become possessed by Klaus.  And then, Mommy Dearest, more or less said, “Whatever makes you happy, dear?”

“I also totaled your Mercedes . . .”

REALLY?  Because if I ever said something like that to my mom, first she would CRY HYSTERICALLY . . . then she would take me to have my head examined . . . then she probably wouldn’t let me out of my room until I was about 55 years old.

Again . . . yes . . . this is a “Heroic Act.”  Yes, one could even say it’s the “Right Thing to Do,” but it’s also CATACLYSMICALLY STUPID!

What’s worse?  Mama Lockwood then has the NERVE to tell Tyler that his FATHER would be proud of him, because, apparently, taking a two decade long nap, a la Rip Van Winkle, is a sign of GREAT LEADERSHIP.  Let’s not forget that this is also the guy who physically, mentally, and emotionally abused Tyler for years.  With parental role models like these, is it any wonder that Tyler thinks it’s a good idea to spend a significant portion of his perpetual late teens as a statue?

“I wish Michaelangelo’s David was my son, instead of you.  At least he never gives his father any lip.”

I’m still on your side . . . except, not really.

Unlike Mama Lockwood, Caroline Forbes isn’t quite so chill about the idea of her boyfriend turning himself into a Tyler-cicle.  So, she rats him out to Papa Stefan . . . something she’s been doing A LOT, lately.  (More on that later.)

Of course, Stefan seems a lot less concerned with how the Tyler-cicle plan will impact the Forwood relationship, and more concerned with its impact on Klaus.

That’s right, Fangbangers.  It appears that dear old Saint Stefan has, ONCE AGAIN, found himself in the seemingly once-in-a-lifetime predicament of NEEDING TO KEEP HIS MORTAL ENEMY ALIVE.  You know . . . so he can save Elena from loving Damon A LOT MORE than she loves him vampirism.

In Stefan’s defense, he does at least TRY to find the cure, in a way that won’t ultimately involve his Princess Elena becoming a lifelong bloodbag / hybrid baby maker to the “Most Evil Vampire On the Planet.”  While Caroline’s flirtations at the Winter Wonderland Carnival keep Klaus occupied with Champagne Wishes and Vampire Barbie Sex Dreams . . .

 .  . . Stefan ransacks his erstwhile boyfriend’s home, in search of the sword that is the key to the drawing on Jeremy’s arm, which is actually a map to . . . yeah, yeah, you know the rest.

Of course, Stefan can’t find it.  This I suspect, is only because he hasn’t looked in the SOAPDISH, where Klaus keeps his moonstones, or in the sock drawer, where Damon says people keep kinky stuff.  Something tells me the sword is probably in one of those two places.

So, Stefan confronts Tyler to tell him he can’t kill Klaus because . . . wait for it . . . ELENA NEEDS HIM.  And, of course, I have to laugh when Stefan gets all up in Tyler’s grill and says all menacingly, “I’m afraid I can’t let you do that to Klaus,” possibly forgetting (as the writers of this show often do) that Tyler, as a hybrid, is actually supposed to be a much stronger supernatural creature than Stefan.

Then again, maybe not . . .

Unfortunately, we never actually get to test that theory.  Because Tyler’s Hybrid Homebodys (and girls) appear on the scene, proving this to be not-at-all a fair fight.  Having won by default, Tyler turns his attention to CAROLINE THE BETRAYER, whose got this “I burped in Church” look on her face, like she knows she screwed up.

“I needed you to be on my side today,” Tyler says solemnly.

Except lately, the only person’s side who Caroline ever seems to be on is Stefan’s.  Could there possibly be something brewing between these two of which neither is yet consciously aware?  I wonder . . .

News gets slightly better when Shady Shane announces himself to Damon as someone who KNOWS where the cure is hiding, which will enable the Scooby Gang to get to it without Klaus OR the sword.  Now, that Klaus is allowed to die again, Caroline comes up with the idea to put him in his sister’s Rebekah’s body.  Tyler agrees, and everyone is happy .  . . well . . . almost everyone.

Now, this is where things get confusing.  You see, I’m still not entirely sure what Professor Boobs Radley and Hayley are plotting.  On one hand, Dr. Snorefest agreed to help Damon and Co. find the cure WITHOUT Klaus, which seemed to suggest they wanted Klaus dead.  But then, the pair foiled the Scooby Gang’s plan to kill Klaus, implying that they wanted him ALIVE.  Also, Hayley seemed weirdly intent on Klaus’s “essence” possessing Tyler instead of Rebekah, which just made no sense whatsoever . . .

You re-killed Caroline!  You bastard!

I like how whenever vampires get “murdered” on this show, it’s nothing more than a “fun” opportunity to lie down for a quick cat nap.  Unfortunately, for Caroline, Hayley “murdered” her in a dirty public restroom.  RUDE!  She could have at least put down some paper towels on the floor, or something . . .

Clueless April Young finds Caroline that way and is clearly traumatized . . . so much so that, when Caroline un-dies, the “mere human,” almost seems a bit disappointed.  “But you were dead.  You had no pulse,” she whines. 

Maybe next time, April . . .

Oh, did I mention that Caroline tries to compel April to forget what she saw, but she can’t because the girl is wearing Jeremy’s vervain ring?  OOPS!

In addition to NOT forgetting that Caroline came back from the dead, April also overheard her mention vampires, werewolves, hybrids and an UNDAGGERED REBEKAH, who, if you recall, is April Young’s only friend, who, just so happens to have spent the past few epsiodes “playing dead.”

Now, most of us, upon hearing someone babbling on like that in a public bathroom, would assume the babbler suffers from a disease common among teens known as “reading too much Twilight fanfiction.”

However, April lives in the Wackadoo Town of Mystic Falls.  And this prompts her to believe what she’s heard enough to investigate the tomb where a daggered Rebekah is supposedly buried.

“This is like a life-sized version of those Stars without Makeup articles I read on the supermarket checkout aisle . . .”

As my dear friend Yoda would say, “Thickening . . . the plot is.”

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome . . .

Caroline and Stefan engage in a little heart-to-heart about what awful people they actually are, and how, they aren’t really all that different from Klaus, aside from the fact that they have “family” to keep them from becoming super villains.  (Of course, Klaus has family too. He just keeps staking them.)

Then, Caroline proceeds to PROVE herself to be awful by not-so-subtly insinuating that Damon and Elena did the deed, even though it was 100% not her place to give out that information.

To say Stefan took it poorly is the understatement of the century.

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But, in his defense, maybe he was just cranky, because he hadn’t eaten all day . . .

Have yourself a bloody little Klausmas . . .

Back in Winter Wonderland, Hayley rats out Tyler’s plan to Klaus, and Stefan doesn’t hear her do it, despite the fact that he has vampire hearing, and is standing only about 5 feet away.  Klaus then dashes out to the forest and systematically exterminates each and every one of his so-called precious hybrids to punish them for trying to kill him.  As Christmas Carols play eerily in the background, Klaus yanks out hearts, chops off heads, twists necks, punctures carotid arteries, and slams his boots into people’s brains.

But, in his defense, he looks kind of sad while he’s doing it . . .   So, it’s totally justified.

Yes, I AM kidding.  But honestly, the choreography, special affects, and directing on this scene are pretty much as masterful as TVD gets.  It was equal parts disgusting, poignant, disturbing, sad, and yet, oddly mesmerizing.

“Klaus Mikaelson: Wearing YOUR heart on his sleeve since B.C.”

Kung Fu Hybrid 2 .  . . coming soon to a theater near you . . .

P.S. I wonder if, after he finished his dastardly mass murder, Klaus went back to hybrid headquarters and stole all those dead kids iPhones.  After all, it’s probably the closest thing we have nowadays to letters.”

Hayley comes clean to Tyler about her betrayal.  And the poor guy barely has time to process the loss of this friendship, when he finds himself ankle deep in hybrid guts, and is forced to live with the fact that, had it not been for him, all of these folks (lame as they were) would probably still be alive today.

Bummer . . .

Speaking of bummers . . .

Off to that Cougartown in the Sky . . .

I wonder what the average life expectancy is in Mystic Falls.  On one hand, it seems like every character over the age of 30 croaks after about three episodes.  On the other hand, the place is CRAWLING WITH VAMPIRES and other immortalesque creatures.  This means that everyone in town is either about 18-years old, or 372.  Weird . . .

Anywhoo, a winsomely tipsy Mama Lockwood is lounging by the fountain, waiting to meet up with her son, when Klaus pops by to say hi.  His face is covered in hybrid blood, and he’s got this crazy “I just killed twelve people” look in his eye.  So, you could imagine Mama Lockwood is a bit  . . . concerned about the whole situation.

I’m just wondering why she didn’t run . . . like immediately.  Wouldn’t you, if someone came at you looking like this?

I don’t know.  Maybe she was too drunk, or something.  Whatever the reason, Mama Lockwood takes this opportunity to plead for her SON’S life.  “He’s all I have left,” she says tearfully.

As it turns out, that was EXACTLY the wrong to say, as it gives Klaus an idea . . . a way of hurting Tyler the way Tyler hurt him, by taking away his “family.”  Poor Mama Lockwood gets a nice free facial in the fountain, courtesy of Klaus, and never lives to see the results.

Drowning in a 2 foot deep pool of water . . . it’s a pretty crappy way to go.  But, of course, not quite as crappy as having your heart literally ripped out of your chest by your  “maker.”  R.I.P. Mama Lockwood.  We barely knew ye.   But hey, look on the bright side!  At least you’ll have a very clean corpse!

“Dammit!  I left my Gucci Swimmies at home.”

On that lovely note, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Good Fangbanging Night!

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[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

“So what? I’m still a Vampire!” – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ Season Finale “The Departed”

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“NOT choosing between all these hot vampires, who love me unconditionally, all season was EXHAUSTING.  I need a nap!  Wake me before the final credits roll, OK?”

So what?  I’m still a Rockstar.  I’ve got my rock moves.  And I don’t neeeeed youuuuuu.”

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Pink’s classic single-girl anthem “Rockstar” initially seemed like an odd choice to kick off the Season 3 Finale of The Vampire Diaries.  For one thing, here’s a show that’s made a name for itself by specializing in sad and/or moodily haunting songs, written by virtually unknown artists, just on the cusp of making it big.  Pink is hardly an unknown artist.  And as for moodily haunting, “Rockstar” is probably one of her peppiest ditties to date.

Also, I don’t think there’s a woman on television who’s more patently un-accustomed to the Single Life than Elena Gilbert: She Who is Loved By All. Plus, let’s be honest, I’m kind of shocked they got the rights to play it.

However, in hindsight, the song choice made a lot of sense.  Because while the moody, mopey, perpetually waffling between two vampires, “Everyone around me is dying, let’s paint some walls,” Elena we know and love probably wouldn’t be caught dead (no pun intended) rocking out to anything remotely resembling a dance beat . . .

“Hey!  I resent that!  I do rock out . . . once a season . . . at my school’s annual Bloodbath Prom.   Take that, you mean recapper, you!”

 .  . .  her two-years younger, cheerleading, pony-tail wearing, Matt Donovan-dating, “Nothing bad ever happens in Mystic Falls” self absolutely would!

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And when you think about it, that’s really what “The Departed” was about . . . comparing Elena’s pre and post vampire worlds, and recognizing that they might not be quite as different from one another as we originally thought . . . You know, aside from the whole “Constantly in Danger / On the Verge of Death,” thing . . .

So tighten up your ponytail, hike up your skirt, and take a nice long drive off the very short Wickory Bridge, because it’s time for another TVD-cap .  . .

(Special thanks to my good pal, Andre for providing me with an entire season of the most amazing screencaps ever invented.  If you were a vampire, I’d put your soul into somebody else’s body, so you wouldn’t ever have to croak.  That’s how appreciative I am!)

“Caroline thinks my ponytail lacks zchuzz” (By the way, I must have sat for at least ten minutes, trying to figure out how that word was spelled.)

Like so many episodes of TVD, this one begins with Elena groggily waking up to the sound of her alarm, and undoubtedly looking like she wants to slit her wrist on her bedside table . . . usually because one of her friend’s (or an attractive guest star) died in the previous episode or is destined to die in this one.

“I told you not to wake me until the end credits, DAMMIT!” 

But wait!  Are my eyes deceiving me?  Is our girl Elena actually . . . smiling and bobbing her head up and down to pop music?

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Oh, I get it!  This isn’t regular Elena, it’s her sassy alter ego, Ponytail Elena.   This makes a lot more sense now . . .

But why is she wearing the Glee Cheerios uniform?

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QUINN: “I hate that b*tch.  She stole my man.”

SANTANA: “I hate her too.  She stole my woman.”

BRITTANY: (offscreen) “Unicorn?” 

Clearly, I’ve stumbled into some Alternate Universe Crossover Fanfiction of some sort.  Either that, or this is the start of another . . . wait for it . . . Flashback Episode.

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That’s right, Fangbangers!  Meet Elena Gilbert, the peppy popular high school cheerleader, with the clean-cut jock boyfriend, the twerpy little brother, and two uncommonly hot parents, who both love and support her unconditionally.

“Aren’t you glad both of us will be dead, long before we could ever get wrinkles?”

 I feel like I’ve stumbled into a Tampon Commercial .  . . or one for Teen Spirit Deodorant.  Now, all I need is for Elena to say something like, “At school, I work hard, but I also PLAY HARD!”

ELENA: “Psst . . . Matt, I’m not wearing any underwear under my skirt.”

MATT: “Psst . . . I’m wearing a skirt, under my underwear.”

BONNIE: *judging you*

“Caroline thinks my ponytail lacks schuzz,” Elena pouts, as she walks toward Mystic Falls High with fellow cheerleader Bonnie Bennett.

Matt’s there too, with his varsity jacket,  butterfly kisses, and references to the dreaded L Word.  In short, he’d be the Greatest Boyfriend Ever . . . if his mere presence didn’t seem to put Elena to sleep.

Bonnie chastens Elena for “stringing Matt along,” when it’s quite clear she doesn’t share his feelings for her.  In other words, Bonnie is judgmental in Flashback Land too.  Something NEVER change . . .

“I’m so going to give that Recapper a piece of my migraine!” 

RECAPPER: *takes an Aspirin*

Meanwhile, in the FUTURE . . .

“Have I told you lately how much I appreciate your not being the dumbest brother on Earth?”

Future/Present / Non-ponytail Elena wakes up in a hospital bed after the dramatic, nosebleedy faceplant she did at the end of last week’s episode.

Ahh . .  . waking up miserable.  Now THERE’S the Elena I know and love . . . 

(At this point, Jeremy probably has the ambulance on speed dial.)  Mini Gilbert is understandably concerned about his sister’s newfound tendency to make out with home flooring.  However the Only Doctor in Mystic Falls, Crazy Nanny Carrie, tells him not to worry.   “Just a itsy bitsy concussion . . . nothing to worry about.”

“I’ll just bash her face in with a hammer, like I do all my other patients.  She’ll be good as new in no time.”

Jeremy calls Elena’s two vampire lovers to let them know what went down.  Both Stefan and Damon are absolutely furious with Jeremy for trusting traditional modern medicine.  (Clearly, they must be closet Christian Scientists or something.)

STEFAN: “I think we’ve spent about half the season in this car.”

DAMON: “Tell me about it.  It’s a good thing vampires never have to pee.” 

“Get her out of there,” they exclaim practically in unison, realizing that keeping Elena in a public place makes her a sitting duck for .  . . oh, I don’t know .  .  . EVERY VILLAIN WHO’S EVER BEEN ON THE SHOW, EVER!  (Then again, it’s not like they all don’t know where she lives.)

 

Did I mention that Damon and Stefan are still roadtripping to make Klaus’ body swim with the fishies hide Klaus’ body?  Honestly, in hindsight, I’m kind of glad The Brothers Awesomesauce decided to scrap their original, wetter, plan to dispose of Klaus.  What if Klaus’ dry, flaky, desperately in need of lotion, body was devoured by a hungry shark . . . or a really ambitious school of goldfish?  Then, the whole entire cast would die, and they would have to rename the show “Ghost Diaries.”

“I ain’t afraid of no ghost vamp.”

Upon getting off the phone with Jeremy, Damon, who’s been especially brother-bondy with Stefan lately, praises the latter’s intelligence .  . . or, perhaps more accurately, his lack of utter stupidity. “Have I ever told you how much I appreciate the fact that I don’t have the dumbest brother in the world?” Damon quips.

Awww!  That’s sweet.  You know, it’s really too bad that no one ever decided to make Brother’s Day a national holiday.  Because, that would have made a really great statement for the inside of a Hallmark card.

Back at the hospital, Nouveau Ric has gotten wind of Elena’s whereabouts . . . though he may have had to show some poor lonely EMT his Chunky Monkey to get that information . . .

“My eyes aren’t the only part of me that has vampire compulsion powers.” 

He corners his erstwhile sex buddy Crazy Nanny Carrie and demands that Elena be released to his custody, as her legal guardian.  He also tells her that P.S. she’s fired.  WHAT?  You can’t fire Crazy Nanny Carrie, Alchy Ric!  I told you, she’s the ONLY DOCTOR IN MYSTIC FALLS!

“You can’t fire ME!  I’m Paul Wesley’s wife Meredith Fell!”

Also . . . I hate to break this to you Nouveau Ric but uhhh . . . you’re dead and have no authority whatsoever.

Nevertheless, to add insult to injury, Nouveau Ric quickly locates Crazy Nanny Carrie’s healing vampire blood stash, and DUMPS IT ALL ON THE FLOOR!

“How dare you fill these shot glasses with a non-alcoholic beverage!  That’s just wasteful!” 

Crazy Nanny starts to cry, thus proving she’s not quite the cyborg we always thought she was.

You know I’d have a heck of a lot easier time feeling sorry for the Good Doctor if she didn’t hide her Most Important Medical Miracle, in an UNLOCKED FOOD MINI FRIDGE, right next to her Lean Pockets and Dannon Yogurt Cups.

Honestly, she would have been better off putting it inside her bra or down her pants.  After all, I’d willing to bet that, since Alaric “died,” no one has ventured inside there at all.  Also, not to nitpick (just kidding, I’m totally nitpicking), but did you see how little blood she had left in there?  I’ve had shots of tequila with more total fluid ounces than her entire stash!

Where did this woman go to medical school that she thinks this is an appropriate amount of blood to take from someone? Munchkinland?

Crazy Nanny Carrie’s apparent incompetence aside, by the time Nouveau Ric reaches Elena’s hospital bedside she’s . . . wait for it . . . already long gone.  SURPRISE!

“Nothing wrong with free will!”

Back at the Gilbert house, Caroline, Tyler, Jeremy and Matt are all babysitting Elena.  Caroline offers the recently concussed and drained of blood tea and vodka to help her sleep.  (Mix in some soda, a little triple sec, and a bit of that tequila she had last night, and she could have a Long Island Iced Tea.  It’s just what the doctor ordered!)

“All the best tea comes from Long Island.” 

Wait . . . correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t you NOT supposed to sleep when you get a severe brain hemorrhage concussion?  I swear I remember reading that somewhere.  Man, Crazy Nanny Carrie really is the worst doctor ever!

But hey, it isn’t TVD, if Elena isn’t constantly in danger right?  So, sleep again, Elena does.  When she awakens, Caroline and Tyler have left on an emergency call (more on that later), leaving Matt as the soul Mr. Mom of Casa Gilbert. (Jeremy, the “breadwinner” is out getting food.)

With her flashback / dream still fresh in her mind, Elena chooses now to apologize to Matt for sort of/ kind of leading him on when she was 15.  It does seem like a rather odd time for an apology.  And Matt quickly conjectures that this whole conversation really has less to do with Elena’s and Matt’s relationship, than it does with Elena’s and her vampire entourage.

Now, not to bash Elena or anything, but am I the only one who found Elena’s apology a little insulting from Matt’s perspective?  I mean, sure, she used some “nice” words to say it.  But when it came right down to it, wasn’t Elena really telling her ex this:  “I’m sorry I continued to suck face with you, even though you, quite honestly, bored me to tears.  And I had no romantic feelings for you whatsoever.  Now would you mind helping me choose between the two men I REALLY love?”

“You’re right, Recapper!  WTF!  Now I’m pissed.” 

My own interpretations of the situation aside, Matt seemed to take the whole thing quite well . . . acting all “understanding and supportive,” through the whole monologue, until Stefan came bounding through the door, in true “speak of the devil,” fashion.  (Then again, Matt did purposefully drug Elena later in the episode.  So, maybe  just maybe, he wasn’t quite as OK with all this rejection, as he pretended to be . . .)

It looks like Matt might have accidentally drugged himself too . . . 

Meanwhile, over at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Nouveau Ric (for whom this is probably his first time at the bar sober) promptly corners Jeremy.  He then makes a surprisingly convincing case for the latter turning over Klaus’ body, and getting Elena out of dodge for a “Vampire Free Life.”

Super Hero Hair on Super Villain Head

Vampire the Vampire Slayer even volunteers to allow Bonnie to desiccate his body, so that Elena can live out her natural life, and he will no longer be a threat to anyone (Then again, all the IMPORTANT vampires . . . except Elijah and Rebekah . . . will pretty much be dead anyway, so an un-desiccated Nouveau Ric would just be bored).  Jeremy, who’s been becoming more than a bit anti-vampite himself lately,  seems more than a bit receptive to Nouveau Ric’s suggestion.

“You just look so different, Vampire Ric.   Have you gone tanning recently?”

But would he be willing to betray his sister and everyone she loves, in order to accomplish it?  We’ll know soon enough . . .

Back at the Gilbert House, an old familiar friend has stopped by to catch up.  It’s ELIJAH!  And dare I say, he’s looking fabulous . . .

Elijah has come to . . . wait for it . . . make a deal, with the Scooby Gang, in return for Klaus’ body.  Wait a second.  I think I heard this joke before.  And I didn’t particularly like the punchline.

Don’t get me wrong, I love you, Elijah.  You will always be my favorite Original.  But let’s be honest with ourselves.  Your “deals” always SUCK ASS!

“Lunch?”

Damon, who’s been conveniently dialed into the meeting on speaker phone seems to agree with me . . .

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That said, you’ve got to admit that, just like Nouveau Ric, Elijah drives a hard bargain. (Then again, maybe it’s just the hypnotic sound of his super sexy voice that makes me want to just mindless agree with everything he says.)

Elijah offers total and complete protection from ALL the Originals for the rest of Elena’s natural life, and the lives of her children and grandchildren.  (In hindsight, all this talk about Elena’s “natural life” and her “having babies,” were like neon flashing lights over her head that just SCREAMING Soon-To-Be-Vampire.)  Only when Grandkiddy Elena finally croaked would Elijah finally reawaken Klaus.   “You have my word,” he said . . . again.

(Note: If there was ever an Elijah Talking Doll, one of the phrases it would always say, when you pulled the string on it’s back, would be “You have my word,” the others would be, “There is honor in revenge,” “You cannot beat me,” and, my personal favorite, “Hello Elenaaaah.”)

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“It’s a shame you and I never hooked up.  We would have the most polite and sophisticated sex ever.”

Elijah may be winning over his fanbase, but a good percentage of the Scooby Gang is still not down with his plan.  Damon wonders out loud, whether inhaling all the pain fumes last week gave Elena brain damage.  I’ve wondered this about Elena a few times myself.  And Matt, who’s been pretty quiet up until this point, suddenly looks like his eyes are about to pop out of his head, and roll across the kitchen floor, like in those old Bugs Bunny cartoons, when the pretty girl bunny walks by.  “WHY SHOULD SHE TRUST YOU?” He yelps.

“Duuuuuuude . . .” 

Why indeed .  . .

But Elena’s question for Elijah goes a bit deeper than that.  “Why do you want his body, so badly?” She wonders.

“He’s my brother.  We remain together,” Elijah replies matter-of-factly.

Oh, that was smooth, Elijah! You know full well that this crowd can’t turn down a statement of “brotherly love.”

Elena’s heart immediately turns to mush.  She’s blinking a lot, and making googly eyes at her brother.  Before the words, “You have a deal,” come out of Elena’s mouth, we already know that Team Original has won . . . this round, anyway . . .

Later, Jeremy gripes to Stefan about the ridiculousness of Elena’s decision.  Once again, Stefan clearly disagrees with a choice that Elena has made (Heck, everyone in the gang seems to disagree with it, except her and Elijah.). And once again, he says nothing.  Wussy pants  “Nothing wrong with free will,” Stefan explains sagely.  “You’d understand that if you ever had it taken away from you.”

“Anyone have a bib I could borrow . . . or a neck?” 

But Stefan’s been this way, since long before Klaus compelled him to turn on his emotions.  He always seems to blindly go along with Elena’s half-cocked plans, so as to seem agreeable, and not to start a fight with her.  It’s a fundamental difference we’ve seen between Damon and Stefan, one that the two of them discussed briefly back in “The Last Dance” episode,  and will discuss again before the episode is over.

In fact, Stefan willingness to ALWAYS go along with Elena’s wishes literally costs her her life at the end of the episode . . .

I don’t know.  I feel like there has to be a happy medium in relationships between strong arming and bullying your beloved, just because you can, and rolling over and playing dead, every time your better half makes a controversial decision.

To me, the best couples are the ones that fight and duke it out about the things that matter to them most . . . trying to get the other person to see their way, for better or worse.  .

Sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose.  But not getting your way, is not the same thing as not having free will.  Not by a longshot . . .

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OK, now that I’m off my soapbox, it’s time for some FORWOOD!

“Just you . . . and maybe a curling iron.”

Last week, Nouveau Ric outed Mayor Lockwood and Sheriff Lizard Forbes for harboring vampire /hybrid kids.  The heads of the Vampire Killing Council (that never, ever kills any vampires) both breastfed future vampires!  Oooh!  Que Escandalo!  This is some seriously juicy stuff . . . like the Mystic Falls equivalent of a sex tape leaked on YouTube.

“Wait until they find out about our demon baby lovechild . . .”

I found it kind of funny and ironic, how the Mayor and the Sheriff encouraged, even INSISTED that their barely legal children run off together to lord knows where, for a life of nonstop sex, and blood drinking.  I mean, of course, they didn’t want their kids pitchforked by the members of their own town.  But the fact that neither parent even thought to offer to come WITH their kids, was kind of strange, and  a little shocking to me.

“We promise to call you from the road . . . after we’ve robbed a few banks for shopping money.” 

And of course, the newly reunited Forwood pair was just ecstatic about the concept of running away together.  In fact, they barely managed to refrain from ripping one another’s clothes off, while their respective moms were still in the room!

You know, I teased Caroline and Tyler a lot this season, about having a sort of puppy-in-heat-leg-humping relationship . . . lots of hot sex and very little talking, apart from the occasional grunt and growl.

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But these past few episodes, have included a lot of really fun relationship moments for these two!  In short, these horny puppies are growing up . . . though, arguably, in that last scene between them . . . well . . . I’m getting ahead of myself.

Anywhoo, once apart from their parents, Tyler and Caroline begin to chart out their future as Bonnie Vampire and Clyde Hybrid.  They discuss what they need to pack . . . a few clothes and a curling iron.  (Hey, at least won’t need condoms!)  “Let me protect you,” Tyler says, solemnly, grasping his lover by the shoulders.

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But Caroline can’t leave town yet, because she has to . . . wait for it . . . SAVE ELENA.

The minute Tyler and Caroline made a pact to meet one another in two hours,  I knew things were about to go south.  I mean, come on you too, don’t you watch TV?  Don’t you know that by planning to meet at some indiscriminate future time, you are pretty much GUARANTEEING that one of you won’t make it?  I mean, let’s face it “I’ll see you in two hours,” is the romantic drama movie equivalent of horror movie classic lines like: “I’ll be right back.”  or “Let’s split up,” or “Come drunk girl with big boobs, let’s go out into the woods and have sex.  It will be FINE!”

Speaking of Best Laid Plans . . .

“You know what else was her idea?  Everything bad EVER!”

Jeremy and Matt, the sole representatives of Team Human, have a little pow wow on the Gilbert Porch.

They discuss the possibility of “going rogue,” and ratting out where Team Scooby buried Klaus.  Shortly thereafter, we see what we THINK is the result of that pow wow, when Jeremy calls Alaric with a location.  “You are doing the right thing for your sister,” Nouveau Ric says, in a voice that’s oddly paternal for a soulless sociopath.

Jeremy agrees, as he hangs up the phone.  Oooh . . . Jer Bear!  Bad Boy!  Judas of the Vampires!

But wait!  The camera just panned back, the whole Scoooby Gang is there.  It was all a trap!  You got me, TVD!  My faith in Team Human has been restored . . . for now, anyway.

Meanwhile, Damon and Bonnie, who have been surprisingly chummy, ever since she gave  the vampire brain freeze, and fed herself to her history teacher, are in a storage locker retrieving Klaus, toasted body, so that they can turn it over to Team Original, as part of the Great Vampire Truce of 2012. Damon gripes to Bonnie about how the rest of the gang is letting this happen AGAIN . . .

 Hey look!  It’s Klaus’ new apartment.  I wonder if he’s going to invite me in?”

“It’s Elena’s call,” Bonnie says diplomatically.

“You know what else is her call?   Everything BAD ever,” Damon quips.

Truer words have never been spoken.

“Yay . . . wait .  . . that was an insult, right?” 

Creepiness ensues, when they open Klaus’ coffin, and his eyes pop open.  Wasn’t expecting that.  All chained up, and pale, Klaus suddenly sort of looks like whatever vampire Johnny Depp is playing in that new movie Dark Shadows.  It’s not a good look for him.

Someone should really consider bringing this coffin to the tanning salon where Nouveau Ric’s been going . . . 

There’s this really weird moment that follows, once Bonnie is left alone with Klaus’ coffin.  She starts talking to him about how he’s very likely the source of the bloodline of all of her vampire friends . . . her mother’s blooline.   “I can’t kill you,” she says morosely.

Later on in the episode, we will learn just how far Bonnie will go to stay true to that statement . . .

“That’s the difference between you and me.”  Oh, and also, I’M AWESOME!

Back at the house, Stefan and Elena are having a moment.  He’s promising to come back to her.  She’s contemplating telling him about her Big Boyfriend Choice.  (Yeah . . . uh . . . Elena, this isn’t really the time for that.  We’ve still got Nouveau Ric problems.)  And yet, for a second, it seems like Elena might be prepping to kick Stefan to the curb.  My Delena heart is beating faster.  I’m excited.

Then Stefan rushes back to her room, and starts kissing Elena.  It’s probably one of the more impulsively passionate things we’ve seen the younger Salvatore brother do all season.  But it hasn’t changed my mind about who Elena should choose, of course.

“Tastes like chicken.” 

Speaking of Damon, he’s waiting outside to have yet another brotherly chat with Stefan.  As I mentioned, this conversation is a kinder gentler echo of the one they had back in “The Last Dance.”  Damon notes that he will always do whatever it takes to keep Elena alive, even if he has to drag her kicking and screaming to her salvation, and even if it makes her hate him.  Stefan . . . well . . . we all know how Stefan feels about this.  “That’s the difference between you and me,” remarks Damon thoughtfully.

That’s not the only difference, Damon . . .

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But it is a BIG difference, one who’s specter promises to haunt Season 4 in a BIG WAY . . .

Beef-jerkified Original

Now, we are back at Save-a-Vampire Storage Center.  Damon is waiting for Rebekah, so that he can hand over Klaus’ crunchy baked tortilla-like torso.  Unfortunately, someone else has crashed their party.  It’s Nouveau Ric!  He breaks Damon’s neck . . . again. Seriously, how many times has this poor guy had his head popped out of it’s socket, this season.  He must be practically a Pez dispenser by now . . .

Eventually Beks does find a now re-necked Damon.  But Nouveau Ric is still on the prowl.  So, Damon does that sexy kidnapper thing, where he wraps his arms around her, and covers her mouth to keep her save.  The fact that I always find this kind of behavior hot, disturbs me.  But hey, at least this time, it’s for a good cause . . .

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Last week, we saw Damon save Bonnie,  despite the fact that she’s often such a crazy b*atch, where he is concerned.  This week, we see him do the same thing for Beks.  It’s noteworthy, especially considering, how, at this point, Damon is pretty sure that he comes from Klaus’ bloodline, which would give him no personal motive for saving Rebekah.  It’s just the nice, Southern Gentleman thing to do . . .

But let’s not get too comfortable, folks.  Because Nouveau Ric has just found Klaus’ coffin.  And he wastes no time, popping it open, and shoving that Big Bad Dagger right in his heart.  It’s kind of a b*tch move, I’m not going to lie.  I mean, if stabbing someone in the back, so they can’t see you coming is cowardly, stabbing them when they are covered in 100 pounds of chain metal is Wuss Incarnate.

Hey look!  It’s a TUMS Antacid commercial.  Product placement anyone?

Still, the shock of seeing Klaus, Big Bad for Two Seasons Now, erupt into flames, without a single villain monologue, or fist-shaking declaration of revenge was probably the most shocking moment of the Season.  Rebekah is inconsolate.  It’s heart-wrenching to watch her like this.  Her history with her brother is complicated.  But, through it all, there was never any question that she loved him deeply.

Damon’s pretty depressed too.  I mean, he saw what happened to Sage, after Finn died.  It certainly didn’t look like a party.  Now, suddenly, he’s gone from the Man with the Plan to Undead Man Walking.

Then Nouveau Ric closes the coffin, without waiting to see if Klaus actually finishes burning.  Nouveau Ric is a MORON . . .  But we like morons on this show.  They keep our heroes alive.

“Sorry . . . I over honeyed.”

Back at the Gilbert house, Elena is still having her extended Golden Girls mini episode with Matt.  Hey Matt, newsflash, the rest of your friends are out fighting vampires, while your home putting too much honey in Elena’s tea.  Don’t look, now. But I think you might have just sprouted a va-jay-jay.

“And afterward, we can paint our toenails, put on mud masks, and sing Katy Perry songs into our hairbrushes!” 

In hindsight, the fact that Elena’s tea tasted crappy was meant to be “foreshadowing.”  But at the time, I was just thinking.

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“This tastes like our relationship.”

What guy puts honey in their tea, in the first place?

Matt, ever the glutton for punishment, wants to know what Elena loves so much about the Salvatores.  We’ve heard this one before.  Stefan makes her feel safe when he’s not threatening to bite her neck,or drive her off the Wickory Bridge.  She met him at a time when she needed him.  She sees their love as something “true and constant.”

Damon, on the other hand, gets under her skin.  When she’s with him, he consumes her.

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Which kind of love would YOU choose?

“You have a beautiful future ahead of you. Me?  Not so much . . .“

It’s angst time, on TVD.  There’s lots of bad news to be spread, and uncomfortable conversations to be had.  Damon calls Stefan with the bad news.  It’s soulful crying all around.  Though both men are a bit confused as to why they aren’t bleeding from the nose or coughing like Rebekah was.  They know that one of them has to break the news to Elena that everyone she ever loved, more or less, might very well croak, within the next hour.  Or WILL they?

Stefan gets the honors, “Say goodbye for me,” Damon says solemnly.

Meanwhile at La Casa de TV Recapper, there’s a whole lot of Ugly Crying, and snotty sobs going on . . .

Over in the Sex Cave, Caroline and “Tyler” reunite.  She’s bawling her eyes out.  “Klaus died,” she sobs.

And we all know what that means for Tyler . . . and possibly Caroline too.  But this isn’t the “Tyler,” we met back in Season 1 (in more ways than one!).  This Tyler isn’t immature, or selfish.  He’s not going to place blame, or break down.  He stays strong for Caroline’s sake.  “You’re going to be fine.”  “Tyler” reassures Caroline. “I’m a lost cause.  But you are strong.  You have a beautiful future ahead of you.”

OK, in hindsight, this was a rather loaded monologue for our Alpha Male.  I never really considered Tyler the kind of guy, who would ever use the word “beautiful,” to describe anything without tits.

In fact, this sounds a lot more like something ANOTHER one of Caroline’s suitors would say . . .

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But in the moment, I genuinely felt the chemistry, the passion, the love, loss and longing of the scene.  It seemed real to me.  So, I ignored the warning signs.  I suspect others did too.  And that Presumed Last Kiss .  . . WHEW! Smokin!  We’ll get back to that a bit later.

Then “Tyler” starts coughing, presumably starting to feel the “death” effects of Klaus’ demise.  But Caroline is just peachy, which undoubtedly causes fans to wonder if her bloodline might have begun with another Original, after all.  Ever the stalwart girlfriend, Caroline is determined to stay by “Tyler’s” side, until his death, just like she did during his first werewolf transformation, nearly a year ago . . .

But in the words of Schmidt from New Girl, Tyler “White Fangs” Caroline by wolfing out on her ass, so that she will leave.

He seems determined to die alone.  Or DOES he?

Meanwhile, Rebekah and Elijah share a quiet tearful embrace over the loss of the brother they’ve known and loved for over 1,000 years, despite his many flaws.  (But wait . . . where’s Kol?)

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After the initial cryfest though, Rebekah and Elijah get down to the brass tacks of Plot Explanation.  They both admit to not being the sires of Scary Mary.  Neither, for that matter is Kol.  So, Klaus is the source of the Salvatore Bloodline after all!  But then why did Tyler “die,” while Caroline and the others are still alive.  The plot thickens . . .

“Maybe, if I met you first.”

More flashbacks . . . Elena’s at a party.  She had a fight with Matt, because she doesn’t want to get married and have babies at age 15!  (See?  I told you he was a woman.)

Speaking of Matt, Elena wakes up in a car next to him . . . destination unknown.  “You drugged me with crappy ass tea,” she says incredulously.

“Is this what you have to resort to in order to get laid these days?” 

“I’m getting you out of Vampire Town, once and for all,” Matt explains, more or less.

Then, they both get the call . . . the Dead Friend call . . . Suddenly, this isn’t just your average kidnapping . . . it’s a mass funeral.  “We have to go back!” Elena proclaims.  (How very Dr. Jack from Lost of her.)

The question is back to WHO?  Damon is back at the Save-a-Vampire-or-Watch-Him-Burn storage site, and Stefan is back home.  Elena has to  . . . wait for it . . . CHOOSE BETWEEN THE BROTHERS.  She calls Damon, to tell him she won’t be seeing him, before he croaks . . . if he croaks.  Ouch!

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But Elena has a good excuse.  Back home she has three-soon-to-be-dead friends: Stefan, Caroline, and Tyler (four, if you count Bonnie’s mom . . . which nobody does).  There, she just has one, super hot vampire lover.

However, Damon isn’t letting her off the hook that easily.  He wants to know what her choice would be, if it wasn’t just a matter of numbers.  She tells him.  Over in La Casa de TV Recapper, shoes, pillows and soda cans are thrown at the television screen.  You’re not going to actually make me say it, are you?

“I love him Damon.  I never unfell for him,” Elena expains.  (Oh, come on!  Un-fell . . . now that’s just bad grammar!)

“I care about you, which is why I have to let you go.  Maybe, if it was you I met first,” she explains, as she hangs up the phone.

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Damon morosely looks up from his own cell phone, and sees Nouveau Ric.  It’s time for another installment of Vampire Fight Club . . .

But wait . . . first Matt has to find out from Elena (who found out from Caroline) that “Tyler” died.  He may be a Golden Girl, but Matt Donovan’s surprisingly attractive cry face broke my heart.  “This isn’t how our lives were supposed to be,” Matt complains.  I agree, Matt!  Elena was supposed to pick Damon.  And you were supposed to NOT DRIVE ELENA OVER THAT DAMN BRIDGE.

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Elsewhere in “Everything is going to Hell Land,” Rebekah unilaterally decides that Klaus’ death means the brokerage of peace between Team Original and Team Regular Average Joe Vampire is officially over.  She vows to avenge her brother’s death, by killing Elena.

“May I wash your windows for a $1.00?” 

But wait . . . check this one out!  A not-so-dead Tyler meets up with Bonnie.  It turns out, he’s not Tyler at all, he’s KlausiTyler, who was conveniently witchily inserted into Real Tyler’s body shortly before that whole “burning thing.”

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Yeah, so remember last week, when Tyler said this . . .

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That didn’t work out so well for him, did it?

I must say, this was pretty clever, as far as plot twists go . . . (not to mention, probably the most daring thing Plot Device Bonnie has done all season). The writers got to keep Klaus as the sire of the Salvatore Bloodline, without actually killing ANY of the main cast.  Also, the fact that we never saw Klaus’ body fully burn, leaves an opening for HIS return as well . . . the question is, who will “Klaus” be when that happens?

Also, this little bit of intrigue just made that seemingly run of the mill, angsty death scene between Caroline and Tyler SOOO MUCH more interesting . . . not to mention slightly creepy.  I mean, after all, what we just witnessed was the first time Klaus and Caroline kissed, and she didn’t even know it was happening!  (Plus, something tells me that Mr. Hornball-My-Character-Never-Gets-Laid-on-this-show Klausityler is going to take a heck of a lot more advantage of this situation, than just kissing Caroline in the coming episodes.)

“Suck on that, Elena!”

So, it’s a win for both Team Klaroline, and Team Forwood!  Speaking of a win for both teams . . .

“You want a love that consumes you.”

Nouveau Ric and Damon are kicking the crap out of one another, just like old times!

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 Damon takes a nap for a little bit, and wakes up in his very own flashback.  We find him lying in the middle of the road in Mystic Falls . . . a tactic we’ve seen him use many times in the past, to get chicks . . . and eat them. 

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He runs into Elena on the road, and, of course, mistakes her for Katherine.

It’s your classic Meet Cute, complete with flirty comments, and a whole lot of Damon’s trademark “Eye Thing.”  Not-Ponytail-Wearing-But-Still-Perky Elena looks like she wants to rip Damon’s clothes off, right there in the road.  So,  of course, the two start talking about Elena’s dreaded soon-to-be ex, and why he isn’t cutting the mustard . . . in the bedroom or otherwise.  “You want a love that consumes you . .  . passion, adventure, danger . . .” in short, everything she has with Damon now . . .

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Then the elder Salvatore Brother compels Elena to forget ever meeting him, promising her that she will get everything she desires, in the future.  And she does . . . well . . . once she gets through that whole, my parents are going to drown in about 10 minutes thing . . .

P.S. Elena met Damon first.  Put that in your pipe and smoke it SUCKAS!

“Glug, Glug, Gurgle, Glug . . . Cough, Cough, GASP!”

Back in real time, Rebekah is standing in the middle of the road, and Matt Donovan, Worst Driver Ever, swerves WAY TOO WIDE to miss hitting her, and sends the car he’s driving with Elena careening into the water below.  (Moron!  She’s a vampire!  Hit her with the friggin car!  It’s not like she’s actually going to die or anything!)

The scene then begins to intercut back and forth, between Stefan’s rescue of Elena, from the backseat of her parents drowning car, and Stefan’s rescue of Elena in present day.  Back then, as we’ve all heard, Elena’s mom died right away.  But Elena’s dad held her hand for one last goodbye.  We also know that Stefan tried to save Elena’s father first.  But he refused to be helped, until Elena was safe on dry land.

Sidenote: This kind of reminds me of that question jealous siblings always ask of their parents.  “If me and [insert sibling name] were both drowning, and you could only save one of us, who would it be.”

“I’d save you both,” the parent inevitably say.

Which we know is something no HUMAN would be able to actually do, if the situation occurred in real life.

HOWEVER, I would argue that Vampire Stefan, totally could have saved both Elena and her father back then . . . and now . . .

Stefan finds himself faced with another’s Sophie’s choice.  Now, Matt’s unconscious.  And it’s Elena who’s refusing to be rescued, until Matt is safe and sound.  Stefan ultimately follows her orders.  He’s her bitch after all.  Damon would’ve probably given her the middle finger under water, and then actually rescued them both .  . . just saying.

But Damon wasn’t there.  So, we have to watch Elena die . . . and we know, for sure, she croaked too, because over at Vampire Fight Club, Nouveau Ric croaks too.

Poor Damon!  Not only is losing his former best friend again, but he’s facing the loss of yet another lover . . . There’s a lot of heartbreak in this episode.

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And there’s about to be more.  Back at home, Jeremy gets a visit from Ric . . . not Nouveau Ric . . . the real one . . . complete with gelled up, Nice Guy hair, and a trademark Chunky Monkey smile.  Upon seeing him, Jeremy comes to the sad realization that his sister is gone.

Alaric promises to look out for Jeremy, so he’ll never be alone.

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It’s a sweet gesture, not to mention the writers clever, if short-handed way of redeeming a character they pretty much made mincemeat of, these past few episodes.  But still  . . . I don’t know . . . would you want a dad-type “looking out” for YOUR every move .  . . watching you sleep . . . and eat . . . go to the bathroom  . . . have sex?

I just totally killed that perfectly nice moment, for you, didn’t I?  Sorry, Alaric!  We’ll miss your well-meaning, but with inappropriate relationships with his students, goofy stalker, ass! 🙂

Back at the hospital, an inconsolable Damon is begging Crazy Nanny Carrie to tell him where Elena’s body can be found.

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It’s then that we find out, what many of us suspected, that Elena’s injuries, from MASSIVE BLOOD LOSS, PAINT FUME INHALATION, AND FACEPLANTING, were way worse than your run-of-the-mill concussion.  Her brain was bleeding (kind of makes Damon’s comments about Elena’s brain damage earlier offensive, doesn’t it), and she needed vampire blood to survive . . .

AKA . . . Elena died with vampire blood in her system . . . AKA the TVD writers just Breaking Dawned Elena Gilbert . . .

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But more importantly, now she’s going to remember all the wonderful things Damon did for her,  that he compelled her to forget.

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Game on Team Delena!  Godspeed Vampire Elena!  Until next season . . .

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Heart of Glass – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Before Sunset”

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Hey Fangbangers!  So, we’re just a week away from the Season Finale of TVD.  And characters are dropping like flies, here in Mystic Falls.  You know, for supernatural beings, these folks sure DIE a lot (die . . . un-die  . . . re-die . . . faux-die . . . tie dye . . . die again).

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Sometimes it gets quite difficult to keep track of who’s dead, and who’s . . . well . . . undead.  (But hey, that’s what recaps are for, right?)

So grab your morning paper, and your balls . . . er . . . I mean soccer balls . . . and head on over the Wickory Bridge to Mystic Falls . . . a Vampire Town with a Drinking Problem.  We’re dying for you to join us . . . for a little TVD-cap.

Caroline: “Let’s play ‘Never Have I Ever!'”

Tyler: “Oooh . . . I got one!  Never have I ever died on this show.”

Elena: “Umm . . . yeah you did!”

Tyler: “I know . . . but so did all of you!  Everyone drink up!”

(As always, special thanks to my screencapper extraordinaire, for all the pretty pictures you see here.  If I were Klaus, I’d draw him a pony for all his hard work and dedication . . .)

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Nothing says loving, like a pony pic!

The Clean-up Crew

The episode begins with some creepy, and seemingly completely random Civil War photographs.

Awww . . . now THERE’S a nice, happy inspirational picture to hang up in your classroom!

Oh no!  Not another flashback episode.  I always hate those.  Oh wait . .  . I see what you did there, writers . . . Alaric’s a history teacher.  Sometimes I forget he actually has an occupation aside from drinking and playing with his Chunky Monkey.  And now he’s about to try to murder his own friends.

Is it just me, or does the toy on the horse look like he’s giving the other toys the finger?

Just like our ancestors murdered one another, back during that epic bloody battle.

This toy kind of looks like Klaus does at the end of the episode . . . 

Man, I love when TVD gets all “deep” on us.  It makes me feel “smart and sophisticated.”  Now, I don’t have to watch PBS or the History Channel ever again.

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Hey, did you ever notice how Alaric only seems to actually attend classes when he’s “not himself?”  If you recall, Alarklaus taught history classes, back in Season 2.  He even chaperoned the school dance!

Now, Nouveau Ric is hanging out at the high school as well, and on a weekend, no less!  If only the Administration knew how mich being possessed improved Alaric’s work ethic, they probably would have done it themselves, a long time ago.

“I don’t even really like teaching.  But the benefits are unmatched.  And now that I have fangs, I could really use a good dental plan.”

Speaking of the academically inclined, 1,000-year old Rebekah is another character who seems to attend high school more than anyone else on the show.  I mean, seriously, who volunteers to be on the 8 a.m. clean-up crew for a dance for which they spent the entire time lying dead in a coffin with a stake through their heart?  Now, that’s dedication!

“Popularity is super important to me.  After all, if I didn’t have friends?  Who would I eat?”

But Rebekah’s not alone.  Caroline’s on the clean-up crew too.  Two blonde vampires picking up trash together . . . it’s a commercial for Garbage Woman Barbie!

I’m sorry.  That was politically incorrect.  Of course, I meant “Sanitation Worker Barbie.”

Typically at odds with one another in a “b*tch stole my look and my social life” sort of way, Caroline and Rebekah actually seem to be on their best behavior this morning.  With their respective claws retracted, the two Alpha females even go as far as to exchange banal pleasantries with one another . .  . like, for example, “Golly gee!  I was so sorry to hear that your mother tried to murder you, stole your body, and is now definitely dead . . . again.”

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And, “Oh yeah, same goes for that dead history teacher of yours.  I know you really liked him.  It’s a real shame that he decided to die just like your DAD rather than become an undead bloodsucker, like the two of us.”

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You know, the usual sort of chitchat . . .

Speaking of America’s favorite vampire slaying history teacher, Rebekah runs into Alaric . . . or, perhaps I should say, Nouveau Ric by the lockers.  And suddenly, I’m having flashbacks of “The Reckoning.”  (Remember that one . . . back when Klaus was still the Biggest Baddest Vampy in town, and Stefan still occasionally ate Elena . . . in more ways than one?)

Only this time, Rebekah is playing the role of the Damsel in Distress, for a change.

“Phew, your breath is rank, Nouveau Ric!  What do you use to brush your teeth? Codfish?”

Fun times and Phallic Hijinks ensue, as the pair wrestle with the big shiny weiner-like object that is the Invisible Originals-Killing Stake.  Vampire Barbie Caroline hears the commotion, and rushes to join Klaus Barbie in the fight.  This is actually kind of erotic . . .

Caroline: “You know, this is the closest I’ve ever come to being in a threesome.”

Rebekah: *whistles uncomfortably*

Rebekah: “Hey!  No fair!  You can’t just pull it out like that?  What do you think this is,  the rhythm method?”

Of course, Caroline’s no dummy . .  . at least, not in this episode.  She knows when a fight is hers to lose.  And this one has Death Trap written all over it.  So, the littlest Forbes quite wisely makes a run for it.  (It looks like the gym will have to be cleaned some other time.  Hope no one was planning on  using it for. . .  like . . . actual physical education and stuff.)

Don’t you just hate it when you’re trying to get to your car (because some psycho killer wants to shove a big stake up your ass), and your door won’t open?  Poor Caroline!  It seems that, while you can indeed run from Vampire the Vampire Slayer, driving away from him is not an option, especially when you can’t get into your car.  I hope the company that made Caroline’s car didn’t pay for THAT product placement. 

Caroline: *sigh* “If only I had ONSTAR to help me to open my car door, in desperate situations like these.” *winks at camera*

Alaric knocks out Caroline with frightening ease, before dragging her temporarily unconscious, and always lifeless, body across the concrete, wheelbarrow-style.  Ouch!  She’s probably going to feel that in the morning.  While all this is going down, we see Rebekah, in the distance, observing the situation with a mixture of horror and smugness.  Undoubtedly, in this moment she is thinking, “Now, I’m the fairest of them all, B*tch!  The Prom Queen title is MINE!”

“I’d help her out . . . but I don’t want to ruin my manicure.”

Oh, did I forget to mention that Alaric’s face is falling off?

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Why do I suddenly feel like I’m watching the Thriller video?

Oh Esther, you silly little, pursed lips, completely lacking of facial expression, witchypoo, you!  You would think that as the MOTHER OF ORIGINAL VAMPIRES, she would have at least remembered to give her little Frankenvampire creation a Sunscreen Ring, so that he could play with his fellow fangy friends in the daylight.  (“But MOMMY, all the other vampires have them.  NO FAIR!” I could picture Alaric whining, upon learning of this unfortunate turn of events.

“Snookie and the Situation lied.  Gym, tanning and laundry are definitely overrated.”

But noooo Esther . . . you had to make him suffer unnecessarily, in furtherance of your stupid-totally-doomed-to-fail, because the Scoobies always win or there’d be no show brilliant Vampire Extinction Plan.  Super Villain FAIL!

Then again, I guess you had your reasons . . . like the fact that the episode needed a title . . . and a Cinderella “They all turn back into pumpkins at midnight” type timeline to “heighten the intensity.”

“Mystic Falls, we have a problem . . . another one.”

Back at the Gilbert House of Death, Misery, and Hideous Floral Décor, siblings, Jeremy and Elena, are innocently painting not-so-dead Alaric’s bedroom a lovely shade of toothpaste green.  (That will teach you not to DIE LIKE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO, Alchy Ric!  Now your bedroom vaguely resembles snot.  I hope you are proud of yourself.)

If Alaric had a grave, he’d be rolling over in it . . . Then again, considering this is a guy who willingly decorates his classroom with pictures of dead people, and the Civil War equivalent of GI Joes,  he’s not exactly an Arbiter of Taste, either.

Stefan arrives on the scene to offer his trademark Sad Smile (also, presumably to kill some time, since “Murder and Mayhem” don’t appear on his calendar today, until about noon.  To say that Petulant Pouty Jeremy (Oh, how I missed your misery Jer Bear!  Unhappiness is SO hot.) is less than thrilled to see one of his sister’s multiple undead suitors on the scene is the understatement of the century.

“I challenge you to a wet t-shirt contest.”

(Then again, it’s possible that Mini Gilbert is simply jealous of Elena’s popularity with members of the opposite sex . . . human or not.  After all, his own ghost girlfriends seemed to have stopped calling him entirely.  I mean things have to be REALLY bad in the relationship department, when women who lack corporeal bodies aren’t willing to bone you.  I’ll bone you, Jer Bear!)

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Let’s face it Jer, when she stops haunting you, while you’re on the toilet . . . she’s just not that into you.

“All I want is one day without vampires,” Jeremy gripes.

(And hey, considering we are one week away from the season finale of the show, Jeremy might get an ENTIRE summer without vampires .  . . unless he watches True Blood.)

Though he tries to play it “cool,” Stefan seems a bit hurt by Jeremy’s statements.  (It’s time to grow a thicker skin, Stefan!  You would think that having been alive for nearly two centuries, you would have at least one or two insults lodged at you that were harsher than the equivalent of:  “Vampires suck.  I wish they’d stop trying to bone my sister.”)

“I know . . . it’s just .  . I just finished watching The Notebook again.  And I’m in a really vulnerable place, right now.”

This, obviously, puts Elena in an awkward position, as she tries to broker a fragile peace between all the men in her life.  Fortunately she doesn’t have to broker for very long, before there is a knock at her door.  Surprise!  It’s the other man in her life . . .  some would say the Best Man (I know I would!)

Still in her flapper costume, nearly 24 hours later.  This takes Walk of Shame to a whole new level.

Of course, I’m referring to Damon, who’s currently hanging out on Elena’s doorstep with a Bloody Bonnie by his side  . . . a bloody Bonnie, who he has undoubtedly scraped off the floor and fed his own blood, after a zombified version of herself gave him a migraine and let then-almost vampire Ric give her a massive hickey on her neck.

And they say Damon isn’t the forgiving type . . .

So now the Scooby Gang knows that Ric-ipoo is not-so-much-dead.  The next challenge is for Bonnie to come up with the Witch Ex Machina to make him definitely dead.  Oh Bonnie, you are sooo the Velma of your Scooby Gang  . . . always stuck with your head in boring spell books, while everyone else is breaking sh*t, beating people up, and getting laid.

Sometimes, the truth hurts.

Meanwhile, over at La Casa de Richer and Awesomer, But Not as Well Furnished, it’s Rebekah’s turn to want to kiss Mystic Falls goodbye.  Next week, it will be Klaus’ again .  . . oh . . . wait .  . . nevermind. But Klaus isn’t about to skip town without his prized bloodbag Elena.  How else would he be able to create an unlimited array of hybrids who would be eternally gay for him (even the female ones)?  Rebekah pleads for him to reconsider.  After all, wasn’t the whole Hybrid Thing really just a convoluted end-run around being alone?

And hey, Klaus doesn’t NEED to be alone anymore.  He has his family now . . . you know, the folks he carried around in coffins for hundreds of years, just for fun . . . well . . . except for his mother (dead), his father (deader), and Finn (deadest) . . . but Klaus never really liked them anyway, right?

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Ahhh . . . but here’s the rub.  Klaus’ family isn’t quite as gay for him as the hybrids are.  They misbehave, have opinions of their own, occasionally fight back.  Unacceptable!

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Sorry Rebekah!  Hybrids, for the win.  It looks like you will be leaving this sorry ass, one-bar, town alone . . .

Klaus Mikaelson . . . Worst . . . Paperboy . . . EVER!

Oh Klaus . . . sketcher of smiley ponies . . .

.  . . painter of poop . . .

It has been quite some time, since we got to see you kick some genuine ass.  And no, I’m not just talking about your threatening to “kill everyone [insert name here] loves; or getting your hybrids to kick asses for you . . . I’m talking about honest-to-goodness acts of impressive villainy.  “Before Sunset” finally allowed us to see some of that . . .

 . . . annnnnd then Klaus died.

Shortly after he learned the truth about Nouveau Ric, Klaus paid a little visit to the Gilbert house to retrieve Princess Elena.  The problem, of course, is that, unbeknownst to Klaus (and everyone else in the house, for that matter), Elena is out rescuing Caroline, whos’s been held hostage by Nouveau Ric at the school.  To be honest, I don’t know if “rescuing” is ever a good word to describe for what Elena does for other people .  . . since it always ends up with Elena in danger, and people coming to rescue her.  Maybe what Elena does should become it’s own adjective: “Elena-ing.”

“Hmm . . . who’s number is this in my cell phone?  TV Recapper?  DELETE!”

Either way, neither the Salvatore Brothers, nor Mini Gilbert, have any intention of letting Klaus in the house.  This, of course, pisses Klaus off royally.  And so, he responds by doing what Klaus does best . . .  He throws a temper tantrum.

Have you ever played that old video game, where you’re the Paperboy, and the object of the game is to get all the papers on your “route” to land on the stoop, as opposed to  . . . hitting the neighbor’s dog, or breaking windows?  Yeah . . . well, let’s just say Klaus has other strategies in mind.

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Suddenly, the Original Hybrid is chucking newspapers, soccer balls, pieces of white picket fence . . . anything he can get his hands on  . . .

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 . . . at the not-entirely-unsuspecting Salvatore Brothers, who are expertly ducking them all.  It’s like one big crazy game of dodgeball!

I don’t know about what Klaus is doing. It sure seems like an awful lot of work to me just to get into a house.  As another, much more talented recapper (Entertainment Weekly’s Mandi Bierly) than I pointed out, Klaus’ brother Elijah accomplished the exact same thing, with nothing more than the loose change in his pocket.

Also, not to point out the obvious, but what the heck are the Gilbert’s neighbors going to think about all this?  Then again, given all the CRAZY INSANE-O things we’ve seen go on at the Gilbert house, these past three seasons, the fact that the neighbors NEVER ever thought to call the cops . . . or better yet move . . . probably means that they are all dead anyway.  (Maybe Klaus ate them?)

Or Stefan . . .

Once the gang finally figures out where Elena actually is (thanks to a helpful call from Nouveau Ric, himself), it should come as no surprise to anyone that Saint Stefan is the one that encourages Klaus to join Team Scooby in it’s weekly installment of the “Save Elena” games.   After all, they all want the same girl, right?  They might as well work together to get her back.

“B*tch PLEASE!”

Never one to look a gift pony in the mouth (especially one he’s drawn), you can’t exactly blame Klaus for being a bit skeptical of the offer.  In no uncertain terms, Klaus reminds Stefan that, if they defeat Nouveau Ric, Klaus WILL be leaving Mystic Falls with lover girl as his bloodbag.  “Then I’ll go with you,” Stefan says, unfazed.

“And that’s why you’re the better option [for Elena],” Klaus remarks generously . . . thus proving that he will say whatever it takes to get back into the jock strap of his unrequited vampire love.

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Long story short, Klaus isn’t about to give up the opportunity to have his blood bag, and eat Stefan’s weiner too.  He’s SO in!

The question is, of course, if no stake on Earth can kill Ric, how are Bonnie and her Scooby Gang plus Klaus going to manage it?  More on that, in a little bit . . .

Teacher’s Pet

That Nouveau Ric!  He’s such a sweetie.  Here he is giving up a fun weekend of binge drinking and blacking out to offer some private tutoring to his favorite students Caroline and Elena.  The lesson of the day: Why Murdering Vampires Isn’t as Morally Reprehensible as You Might Think 101.  Since this is an “interactive lesson” it involves Caroline being stabbed in the hand with a pencil, and gagged with vervain.

Oh, Alaric.  You really haven’t thought this one through.  How is she supposed to take notes?

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Disturbing as this scene was, I liked the way it fleshed out (no pun intended) Alaric’s alter ego a bit more.  In earlier episodes, the guy came off as nothing more than a raging lunatic.  But this scene reminded us that Nouveau Ric, evil as he might be, still possesses all of Alaric’s old memories.  He even . . . in his own twisted way . . . still cares about Elena . . . sort of. And when he tells the young woman that he came thisclose to formally adopting in his “other life,” that his vampire distrusting parents would be disappointed in some of Elena’s recent “life choices,” you can tell that he really believes it.

In a way, Nouveau Ric is kind of like a religious extremist or terrorist . . . so firm and single-minded in his beliefs, that he is willing to do whatever it takes to accomplish them . . . even if it doing it makes him a monster.  Klaus tries to coax Elena into staking Caroline, under the theory, that her death will be more painful if Alaric himself carries it out.

“For the last time, I will NOT touch your stick, Ric!  So, stop whipping it out, and waving it in my face!”

But surprisingly enough, the teenager outsmarts the dude with the Master’s degree, by pretending to try and stake him, while she douses his face with scalding-to-vampires vervain.

Now, Nouveau Ric is angry . . . and you wouldn’t like him, when he’s angry. . .

The Three Vamp-keteers . . . the Witch . . . and the Whipping Boy

Surprise!  At the eleventh hour, Bonnie Ex Machina has discovered the key to temporarily killing . . . at least until the non-vampire Scooby Gang reaches their 30’s the seemingly unkillable Nouveau Ric.  Specifically, Bonnie wants to use on Alaric the dessication spell, her absentee bio mom once used on the now definitely dead Mikael.

The catch is that she needs her lame-ass, cut-and-run, pays more attention to her pseudo-son/boyfriend than her, mother Abby, in order to accomplish the deed.

Now, I can’t STAND the useless, wimpy, cowardly character of Abby.  And I would have much rather her stayed GONE.  That said, I kind of love how the writers used her to express us recapper’s long standing complaint that the Salvatore’s house .  . . which was specifically deeded over to the very human Elena back in Season 2 . . . now seems open to any and all vampires.  Of course, most of the characters on the show consistently ignored this annoying anomaly until Abby.

Speaking in the voice of the writers, Damon explains that, when Elena “died” (for about two seconds) back in episode 221, the house reverted back to the Salvatores, at least in the spiritual sense (legally, it OBVIOUSLY still belongs to Elena).  And so, since La Casa de Rich and Awesome is once again vampire owned, it is pretty much an Open House for every soon-to-be-dead guest star vampire around . . .you know . . .  like Abby.

Anywhoo . . . Abby’s all “Nooo . . . dear daughter, who I abandoned, seemingly uncaring as to whether you lived or died .  . . PLEASSSEEEE don’t do the Dessication spell!   It involves BLACK MAGIC, and . . . temporarily killing a human by stopping their heart and .  . . having vampires drink your blood again . . . and making your face look prematurely veiny.   In other words, this is a big time Bad News Spell, child.  It can f*&k you up, something fierce!”

Fortunately, Damon pipes in to say.  “Hey, she’s Bonnie ex Machina.  It’s her JOB to perform dangerous spells in the last ten minutes of every episode to save our asses.

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Not that we pay her, or anything . . . because we don’t.  But hey!  If she didn’t do it, she might as well be another show . . . like The Secret Circle . . . or something.

It’s settled them!  Black magic and veiny face be damned.  Klaus, Stefan and Damon are going to temporarily incapacitate Nouveau Ric, and drink Bonnie’s blood . . . so that Bonnie can mumble in faux Latin . . . and do whatever it is she does on this show that constitutes “spell casting.”

Jeremy: “Umm . . . Bonnie . . . not to question your witchy ways or anything, but what exactly does grabbing my crotch repeatedly have to do with killing Nouveau Ric.”

Bonnie: *whistles awkwardly*

But here’s a question:  what moronic human is idiotic enough to let Bonnie stop his heart, even temporarily,  for the love of one teenage girl.  Do you even have to ask?  It’s Mini Gilbert of course.  (Poor guy, even he performs acts of tremendous bravery, they always seem to involve him lying on his back, and having the crap kicked out of him by women.  Life just isn’t fair.)

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Oh, and did I mention that Bonnie “found” Caroline and Elena at the school, using her trusty iPhone GPS.  Obligatory and Obnoxious Product Placement Alert!

Trying to determine whether your history teacher is an alien?  There’s an app for that!

In which Elena gets an IDEA . . .

Though the Three Vamp-keteers put on a good show, of trying to tackle Nouveau Ric together at school (The diversion even enables Klaus to free, and subsequently make some serious sex eyes, at Caroline.) . . .

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 . . . their efforts to stake Nouveau Ric, while Bonnie fondles Jeremy’s chest, and attempts to stop his heart, are ultimately ineffective, and end with both Salvatore Brother down for the count.

Thus proving you can never be too old for nap time.

But worry not, because hope is not yet lost.  Nouveau Ric’s staunch refusal to kill vampire lover Elena makes the doppelganger extremely suspicious . . . so, suspicious, in fact, that she takes a risk, and tries to slice open her own neck for sh*ts and giggles.

It’s a Do-It-Yourself Hickey . . .

The seemingly suicidal action causes Nouveau Ric to go batsh*t insane, thereby confirming Elena’s surprisingly clever hypothesis.

Apparently Nouveau Ric’s life is tied to Elena’s in the same way each other vampire’s life is tied to an Originals.  So, if and when Elena dies, Nouveau Ric will die too.  In other words, Alchy Ric isn’t actually a threat to Elena, even at his most vampire hater killingest.  Problem solved  . . .Elena has been saved . . .  again . . . crisis averted, right?

WRONG!

Alert the media, Elena’s in danger again!

We come back from commercial to find out that sh*t has really hit the fan now.  Somehow, Klaus managed to get away from Alaric, and took Elena with him.  So, remember the Good Old Days, when Klaus used to want Elena to live, because he needed her blood bagging talents to make more hybrids?  Apparently, not so much, anymore!  All it took was one look at how powerful Nouveau Ric was, and Klaus completely flip-flopped on his Elena policy.

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But you know Klaus . . . he’s all about the Evil Villain Monologue.  So, instead of bleeding Elena dry as fast as possible, he decides to gossip with her, about which Salvatore Brother she loves more.  DAMON!  DAMON!  IT’S GOTTA BE DAMON!

Of course, Elena doesn’t give an answer because it’s not the season finale yet.  Actually she does answer Klaus’s question.  Just not necessarily in the way we would have hoped . . .

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Now, he’s draining her blood, in hopes of escaping with his own life in tact.  Sure, it will mean that the amount of new hybrids Klaus can make are limited.  But that’s a small price to pay for eternal life, right?  And eternal life is exactly what Klaus will get once Elena and Alaric are dead? True?

Maybe not . . . you see . . . Klaus’ main henchman during the Elena Draining is none other than Tyler . . . Elena’s friend . . . Caroline’s boyfriend . . . and a self-de-sired hybrid, who, in his own words is “SO NOT [KLAUS’] b*tch anymore.  So, much for hybrids being an Original Vampire’s best friend!  Tyler is clearly, gay for Klaus, no more.

“Now, I’m gay for Damon!  Sorry!”

 And what’s worse, he’s called in the Scooby Gang to perform on Klaus the exact same “desiccation” spell originally meant for Nouveau Ric.

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In the words of werewolves . . . and cartoon dogs named Astro . . . Ruh Roh, Klausipoo!

Your cheating heart . . . (will make you dried out and veiny)

Back in the Forest Where Everyone in Mystic Falls Has Died at Least Once, Bonnie is, once again, chanting and mumbling over a sleepy . . . soon to be dead-y Jeremy.   This time, though, she succeeds in stopping her ex-boyfriend’s heart, at the exact same moment the Salvatore Bros have staked Klaus.

“Need   . . . Botox . . . now.”

Oh, this is soooo time for a nose bleed, right?  Apparently not.  Nope . . . no nose bleeds for Black Magic Bonnie, who seems to be having wayyy to much fun stopping Jer Bear’s heart if you ask me.  I mean, girlfriend’s making an “O” face, while she’s killing her boy toy, which is just beyond inappropriate if you ask me . . .

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Temporarily Murdering Jeremy > vibrator

Also . . . her face is getting all black and veiny, for no apparent reason whatsoever.  EW!  I don’t know about you, but if I had to choose one, I’d go nosebleeds over Vein Faced spellgasms any day (and twice on Sunday).

Back at the Klaus House, Big Bad Original is starting to look all pale, sad, creepy, lifeless zombie like . . . you know, kind of like his siblings looked, back when he staked all of them.  Knowing that life as he knows it is now coming to an end, Klausipoo takes these last few moments to share one final eye-f*&k with the secret love of his life, Stefan.  It was both sad, and sexy at the same time.  And Stefan’s eyes are undoubtedly pregnant right now from the effort.

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Still . . .  eye-screw or no-screw, Klaus is DEAD-DEAD . . . at least until the next Sweeps period.

Mini Gilbert lived to tell the tale though!

“Oh Bonnie.  I had the most awful dream.  You were murdering me with your hands, while making sex noises.”

But only after a maudlin Bonnie cried hysterically for about three seconds over his unconscious body.  (Oh honey,  we saw your O-face.  Don’t act all high and mighty now, and pretend you didn’t enjoy it.)

When all is said and done, the Salvatore Brother’s toss Klaus’ lifeless body into the trunk of their car where Stefan gives it the goodbye screw of it’s life, and escort the favor, slightly de-blooded, Elena back home.

The Doppelganger and Not-Secret Service Crew

At the doorstep, she stops to thank them for being so patient with her.  But she really needs some more time to choose which one of them she wants to dry hump on a regular basis, if that’s OK with them.  DAMON!  DAMON! DAMON!

They both say, “Sure ! No problem” (though neither of them really means it), and head for the hills.

In the car, on the way to dump Klaus’ body off the Wickory Bridge, Stefan and Damon have a heartfelt conversation about Elena.  I probably would have paid a lot more attention to it, if, the whole time, I wasn’t waiting for Klaus to pop up in between them, say, “HAHA FOOLED YA, SUCKAS!  I AIN’T EVEN DEAD YET,” and start making out with Stefan.

It never happened.  And I can’t decide whether or not I’m disappointed about that.

Anywhoo, Damon and Stefan mutually agree with one another, about how totally hot and perfect Elena was.

Then, Saint Stefan offers to “gallantly” leave town if Elena ends up choosing Damon as her “lovah!”

At first, Damon’s response seems to be “F*&k that, if she picks you, I’m sticking around for the Hot Revenge Sex I’m going to get, each time you two fight.”

But eventually, Damon VERY RELUCTANTLY agrees to do the same thing for his brother’s sake.  “And hey,” Damon adds.  “In sixty or so years, after Elena croaks, we might even be able to be brothers again.”

Good old Damon.  Always the optimist . . . well . . . except for the fact that he’s only letting Elena live until her mid seventies.  That’s kind of cold, don’t you think?

It’s a CELEBRATION!

It’s rare to get truly happy moments on TVD.  But we got one at the end of this episode, when Jer Bear, Bonnie, Tyler (who, since the founder of his bloodline is only “all dried up” and not “actually dead, got to live to see the end of this episode), Token Human Matt, Caroline and Elena herself all got to get wasted on tequila, and celebrate the death of Season 2 and 3’s Big Bad.

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Just happy not to have a vervain soaked rag in her mouth, a slightly tipsy Caroline echoed her not-so-much boyfriend Klaus, in trying to get Elena to voice her Salvatore Brother Choice.  But Elena wasn’t about to let a little thing like the fact that polygamy isn’t legal in Virgina, rain on her Dead Klaus Parade!  No sir!

And it’s a good thing too . . . because all that happiness only lasts for about two seconds . . .

Elsewhere in Mystic Falls,  Nouveau Ric crashes a council meeting to out Caroline’s and Tyler’s respective mommies as “vampire sympathizes’ and “harborers of supernatural creatures.”  Now, it’ just a hunch.   But I’m thinking this is going to hurt their chances at mayor and sheriff re-election, BIG TIME!  (Might I suggest throwing a little compulsion in with those campaign buttons  . . .)

In more bad news . . .

So, THAT’S where Bonnie’s nosebleeds went . . .

In the final moments of the episode, we see Elena returning to Alaric’s room to finish painting his snot green walls.  A searing pain hits her neck, and she passes out, blood dumping from her nose, like Bonnie on a Spell Bender.  Well, this can’t be good . . .

“Don’t call it a nosebleed.  Call it a Blood Mustache.”

That said, for all two of you that actually thought Elena actually croaked, you can rest easy.  The doppelganger LIVES!

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And I have proof!

Here  . . .

Here . . .

And here . . .

Until next time, my fellow Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

May Sweeps and April Fools – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Do Not Go Gentle”

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“Oh, how I miss the good old days, when I only had one personality, and when my biggest problem was that my girlfriend’s teenage niece accidentally caught a glimpse of my Chunky Monkey.”

Ever feel used and abused by one of your favorite television shows .  . . like the writers treated you like a cheap tissue, blowing their nose on your tummy, and tossing you in the trash?

That’s kind of how “Do Not Go Gentle,” made me feel, this week.  Of course,  this is not to say it wasn’t a well-written, bold, and game changing episode.  It was!  And yet, I still somehow ended the hour with a not-so-fresh feeling . . .

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Shameless excuse to use Damon shower gif?  CHECK!

Then again, when you think about it, this wasn’t even TVD’s first Fake Death at a School Dance Episode.  (Remember what didn’t happen to Bonnie during “The Last Dance?”)

So, perhaps, I’m a bit at fault for coming into the episode so patently unprepared for emotional manipulation.  On a lighter note, I now have about four more pictures, of hot boys with single tears streaming down their cheeks, for my ever-growing Soulful Crying Collection!  So, HOORAY FOR ATTRACTIVE ANGST!

Let’s review, shall we?

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(As always a Big Bloody thank you to Andre, one of my favorite Fangbangers, for all the awesome screencaps you see here . . . including a few admittedly obscure screencap requests made by THIS lazy recapper . . .)

Faux-bekah Strikes Again

We begin our episode over at La Casa de Richer and Awesomer But Not as Well Furnished.  Klaus is hard at work, painting something that, I suspect is supposed to look moody and avant garde, but to me vaguely resembles a big pile of poop . . . literally . . .

This is why you shouldn’t chew on girls who eat beans for dinner . . .

Faux-bekah has just returned from her little pow wow with Psycho-Ric, and wants to “bond” with Klaus.  For the record, Barbie Klaus is acting so completely unlike the real Rebekah (She’s all prim, proper and prissy, now . . . Her accent has even changed) that it annoys me a bit that Klaus isn’t at all suspicious.

“I’m showing you mine.  So, whip it out, and show me yours.  Come on.  Don’t be shy.  It’s not like I haven’t seen it before.  I used to change your diapers.  Oops . . . I mean, our mom used to change your diapers . . . But I’m not your mom, no sir!  Now, bend over and let me spank you on your knee for pooping on that piece of artwork.”

I mean, this is the SISTER he’s known for 1,000s of years (thereby making this at least ten times worse than all those times Katherine fooled Stefan and Damon into thinking she was Elena).  And it’s not as though Klaus is a stranger to bodily possession.

Yet, we get no indication that Klaus is the least bit wise to the fact that his sister is now his mother . . . not even the slightest snarky remark, or eyebrow raise.  I’m starting to think that crushing on Stefan . . . er . . . I mean Caroline, has negatively impacted Klaus’ IQ.

“There’s something different about you, I just can’t put my finger on it.  Oh, wait . . . I know.  You cut your hair and your personality.”

Anywhoo, after the “siblings” discard what is supposedly the Very Last Deadly to Originals Stake together, Klaus starts to discuss the idea of skipping town.  Unfortunately for him, Faux-bekah isn’t  having it.  “But I want to go to the dannnnnnnnce,” she pouts, like the perpetual early 40-something pretending to be the perpetual teenager that she actually is.    (It’s all so very Freaky Friday.)  “And, besides, don’t you want a chance to see Caroline?  I know you looooooooove her.”

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.  Klaus actually finds this ridiculous argument compelling.  So compelling, in fact, that he agrees to stick around for Mystic Falls’ annual Bloodbath Prom, based solely on the hope that his Prom Queen Crush will dump the football jock, and acknowledge his Hybrid King existence.  Sigh . . .

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After pretending to be “Real Alaric” during a phone conversation with Damon, Psycho Ric meets up with his new girlfriend, Faux-Bekah, again, who  then quickly returns to her old Esther body, by temporarily staking Rebekah.  “WHY?”  I yell at my television.  Just so she can do more of that witchy chanting stuff?  BO-RING.  I don’t know . . . I had the opportunity to parade around as a younger, hotter, version of myself for a few days, while awaiting the destruction of an entire species, I’d do it in a heartbeat.  Just saying . . .

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From a storyline perspective, I was also a bit disappointed at how quickly the form of Faux-Bekah was discarded.  For one thing, it make last week’s big twist so much less impactful than it could have been.  Also, personally, I was interesting in seeing how well Claire Holt could pull off the dual role for a more extended period of time.  Of course, I understand this whole possession storyline to some extent was a been there/ done that rehash of last season’s Alar-klaus fiasco.  But still, it would have been nice if Faux-Bekah stuck around a bit longer.

Girlfriend, can’t catch a break . . . EVER.

On a much more shallow note, there’s just something about the way the actress who plays Esther puffs out her lips when she talks that really bugs me.

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If this episode was a more Faux-Bekah centric one, we could have easily sidestepped this inconvenience . . .

In other news, Jeremy’s back in town.  He’s still wearing the ring, but he’s not a psychopath yet . . . at least as far as we know.  He’s also been spending a lot of time with Matt, which is nice.

Since Mini Gilbert has never been particularly sporty, Matt suggests the young stud take up interpretive dance.

Team Human has to stick together, after all.  As long as neither of these guys bring up the fact that they both used to bone eachother’s sisters, I think they will be OK.

Speaking of Matt boning Elena, what was the deal with Caroline telling Matt to stay away from Elena?  That was kind of pushy!  Now, granted, I don’t want Matt and Elena to get together either.  But I was annoyed on Matt’s behalf that Caroline was the one telling him not to “go there.”  After you break up with someone, you officially waive the rights to have any sort of say in who they date next.  That should be like a law . . .  or something.

Wow, I think this is the first time I’m taking Matt’s side over Caroline’s!

Perhaps, this has something to do with the fact that Caroline and I are no longer on the same team, shipper wise.  And I’m consequently a little mad at her . . . OK, make that A LOT mad.

Shipping Stelena has painful consequences on this blog . . .

“He’s your Epic Love.” *gag, puke, groan*

Last week, we all got to hear Rose’s argument as to why Elena should be with Damon.

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This week, we got Caroline’s rebuttal.  And it basically boiled down to this:

Caroline, because I am mad at you, you get to be the victim of an unflattering screencap.

(1)     Stefan’s and Elena’s love is EPIC.  Ummm . . . NO.  Actually, THIS is epic . . .

Stefan and Elena are more . . . um . . . sweet, I guess?   I don’t want to offend Stelena fans out there.  But I do take offense to the use of the word “epic,” predominately as a result of the clip above.  Stefan’s great and all.  But he’s no Logan Echolls . . . sorry.

(2)    It’s Stefan’s turn.  *snort, giggle*  Yes, last week, Damon’s “turn” involved some super hot dry humping and almost-sex, at a motel that probably actually did rent by the hour.  Stefan’s “turn” -involved a half a slow dance, a lot of crying, and some G-rated hugging.  Long story short, if this was carnival game, and I was Stefan, I’d ask for my red tickets back.  That wasn’t a “turn,” it was a taste test .  . .

Anyway, Caroline’s “super argument” convinces Elena to ask Stefan to Bloodbath Prom.   He accepts gratefully, thinking, “Hey, maybe I could get some action, under the bleachers, while my ex-girlfriend reminisces about the time I almost ate her there . . .”

Sorry, Stefan . . . this isn’t that kind of episode.

Damon, of course, hasn’t gotten the memo about how lackluster Stefan’s “turn” is going to end up being.  So, he broods and pouts a bit, telling Stefan not to accidentally stab Elena with his corsage . . .

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You know, because if she bleeds, he might be tempted to eat her again . . . and not in the “good way.”

Woefully without a date to the Bloodbath Prom, Damon decides to stalk the Good Doctor Crazy Nanny Carrie at the hospital, since she’s the only person on this show, aside from Sheriff Forbes, who actually seems to go to work.  Damon informs Crouching Tiger, Hidden Psychopath, that Alaric hasn’t been taking his “Be a Good Boy,” medication, which means he’s now a “Very Bad Boy.”

In real life, this probably thrills the Lady Doc, who, let’s face it, always seemed like the kind who liked it rough.  Of course, for purposes of this storyline, she has to pretend to be appalled.

“That’s hot . . .  um . . . I mean . . . Oh, no.  How terrible!”

One Big Silver Phallus to Rule Them All

Not enough phallic imagery in the first twenty minutes of this episode?  Worry not!  Lady Esther, is about to take her BIG POWERFUL STICK (i.e. the Originals Killing Stake), and thrust over and over again, into Alaric’s ring, until it oozes silver stuff, thereby rendering, it EVEN BIGGER AND MORE POWERFUL.

“I’m going to need a bigger condom . . .”

Woo!  I need a cold shower, after watching that . . .

Shameless . . . THAT’S ME!

In all seriousness though, the idea of linking the Immortality Ring to the Stake, to prevent it from burning up instantly upon use, thereby rendering it recyclable, was a pretty brilliant move on Esther’s part . . . not to mention clever plotting, on the part of the show’s writers. . .

Dance Karma’s a B*tch . . .

Elsewhere in Mystic Falls, Stefan picks up Elena for the dance, and the two make some highly meta jokes about how super deadly dances happen to be, in this town.  Of course, all this seeming self-awareness would be a lot more meaningful if Stefan and Elena were actually smart enough to take their own advice, and . . . wait for it . . . NOT GO TO THE DANCE WHERE ELENA IS PERPETUALLY IN DANGER, AND HER FRIENDS ALWAYS DIE.

Speaking of meta, resident Alpha Male, Tyler Lockwood rarely gets to exhibit his intelligence on this show (except for that one time, when they randomly decided to put him in Advanced Placement History class).  However, this week, for whatever reason, the writers decided to throw Tyler a bone (Cheesy Wolf Joke Alert), and allot to him, what was, in my opinion, the funniest line in this entire, otherwise rather depressing, episode.

It all starts, with Tyler arriving at the 20’s themed dance, all decked out in his gangster finery, and ready to sweep Caroline off her feet with his mad “swing dance” moves.  (His snooty mom probably made him take ballroom dance lessons, as a kid, or something.)  Caroline, of course, is petrified that Klaus will sniff out (another dog joke) his sire, and make him do something awful, like lick his boots or something.

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But Tyler Lockwood is not afraid.  Ripping off all your clothes, and turning into a werewolf, over and over again in the woods, will do that for a guy.  “What’s he [Klaus] going to do?” Tyler snarks.  “Draw you another picture?”

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That My Little Pony drawing  .. .  man, Klaus really was asking for it when he made that.

“I wuv you, Cawoline!”

Back in my high school, that was the kind of thing that got your head shoved in a toilet.  In addition to Klaus’ “gift” to Caroline not exactly being the most manly way to show a lady your affection, we often forget that Tyler too is an artist.  But, unlike Klaus, he draws DUDE stuff .  . . like bloodthirsty werewolves, and naked ladies with big titties.  In other words, in the male pissing contest for Caroline’s affections, Tyler sort of wins this round.

It IS a dance.  So, we have to get all this cheesy, cuddly, coupley stuff out of the way, before we can starting ripping people’s faces off and killing sh*t.  We see Bonnie having a grand old time with her Not-Brother (who kind of still IS her brother) Jamie.

The Lannister family approves!

I’m pretty sure it’s the only time I’ve seen her smile all season.  Then Jeremy arrives, and looks jealous for about two seconds.  Then, he remembers that his ghost girlfriends were about ten times better in the sack than Bonnie ever was.  So, he goes back to play with Matt some more . . .

While Stefan and Elena slow dance, Elena tries to apologize to Stefan for occasionally tongue kissing, and often dry humping, his brother.

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Stefan says he doesn’t care.  He’s just happy to have a date.  Way to set the bar low, Steffie-poo!  Then, Damon comes and cockblocks the pair, which doesn’t particularly bother me, because someone is ALWAYS cockblocking Damon and Elena.  Remember, as Caroline said, it IS Stefan’s turn . . . and being cockblocked is just one of those things that “turns” with Elena on a non-pay-cable show will inevitably include.

 “Sorry to interrupt . . . oh, wait. .  . no I’m not.”

Apparently, Damon actually has a REAL reason for interrupting Stelena time, aside from just pure not wanting it to happen.  Psycho Alaric has gone rogue, and Damon wants to murder the guy, in order to put his “good self,” out of his misery.  This, of course, pisses off Jeremy, because this will be the third father figure he’s lost since the series started.  (Fourth, if you are like me, and always considered Useless Aunt Jenna to be more paternal, than maternal.)

Would you like some salt with your vampire?

Outside the dance, Esther gets Elena to come with her, because Elena’s a moron she wants to save Alaric’s life, psycho or no psycho.  The rest of the Scooby Gang, run off in pursuit but find they are trapped inside by . .  . wait for it . . . a ring of salt.  SALT!  That’s great!  Who knew this year’s Bloodbath Prom theme would end up being Vampire Barbecue?  Throw in a little hot sauce, and some grilled veggies, and we can make a mean shish-kabob . . .

“This reminds me of the 80’s, when I used to do a lot of coke.”

Damon’s the Cockblock King this week, he interrupts Jamie’s and Bonnie’s incest perfectly normal .  . . make out session  . . .

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 . . . to tell them that the Bonnie’s weird chanting, and nosebleed services are needed to move the salt.  Personally, I would have gone with a plain old vacuum, but that’s just me . . .

Now, we are in some weird creepy cemetery.  (I bet with their super high death toll, there are as many cemeteries in Mystic Falls as most towns have Starbucks.)  It’s here that we learn Esther’s Big Bad Plan.  Apparently, in order to kill all the vampires, she wants to  . . . wait for it . . . turn Alaric into a vampire.  Yes, because a vampire hater, who MAKES LOTS OF VAMPIRES isn’t hypocritical at all.

“Who wants to make some S’Mores?”

Seriously?  Is there some rule that no one on this show can stay human, aside from Elena?  Isn’t part of the aura of vampires the fact that they are so SPECIAL, and so much cooler than us humans?  The problem is, in a town where seemingly about 80% of the population is something supernatural, it’s the humans that are special.  Vampires are kind of, been there, bit that, you know?

Here’s another issue I had with this whole Psycho Ric storyline.  We now learn that the real reason, Alaric’s become all crazy and Founder’s Council killing, is not because The Ring Made Him Do It, but because Esther, herself starting chatting his ear off every time he died?  Huh?  So, is that what we are supposed to believe happened to Samantha Gilbert too?

And if Alaric was really nurtured to believe that vampires and all their friends don’t deserve to live, each time he died, was there really ever an alter ego, at all  . . . or has Alaric been secretly psychotic all this time?  As clever as I thought this whole ring twist was at first, I found Esther’s part in it a bit confusing, and more than a bit frustrating.

Small town boy . . . small town life

Speaking of frustration . . . well, at least of the sexual variety, Klaus gets a verbal and emotional beatdown by Caroline, who, for all her keeping his horse pictures, and secretly mooning over him, in previous episodes, really does seem “just not that into him,” when he manages to pull her aside for one “Last Dance” at the prom.

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She does, however, seem at least intrigued by his suggestion that, one day, her “small town life,” will no longer satisfy her immortal vampire urges.  Now THAT’S a storyline I’d like to see explored further . . .

Nonetheless, it is Tyler who Caroline reaffirms her love for at the end of the dance.  And the Alpha Male even earns some extra points, by offering to sacrifice himself on the Scooby Gang altar, just so Klaus could die.  Yeah, Tyler definitely won this round against his Vampire Papa.  The question is, can he win the war . . . and, even if he does, will he survive to reap the spoils of his victory?

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The rest of the Scooby Gang runs into Klaus, while his now blue-balled self is stalking away from Caroline.  Once again, Klaus is forced to join forces with Team Scooby for a common goal.

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Behold . . . the Eye Candy.

Failing to realize that Plot Device Bonnie is already trying to break the salt barrier, so the vampires can rescue Elena . . . again, and stop Esther and Nouveau Ric, Klaus starts strangling her new beau-not brother Jamie.

You better not hurt me, or my Cousin Skeeter will kick your ass . . .

It shouldn’t be hilarious ..  . but it totally is.

Yes, I’m fully aware that I’m a terrible human being.

Wow, they weren’t kidding.  She really IS just a Human Plot Device!

It’s been three seasons, now.  It’s time the writers deeper into their bag of tricks for spells their witches can do to save / ruin the day at the end of every episode.  For example, I’m really tired of the one where they bleed on a piece of paper, and the blood travels around to “find stuff.”  I know, it’s supposed to be all intense and visceral.  But it always just looks like bad finger painting to me.  It would have been better (or at least funnier) if they had Klaus draw another pony picture, and the horse GALLOPED off the page to Elena’s rescue.

Of course, all the vampires are still busy licking salt, so Token Humans Jeremy and Matt have to go out to the creepy ceremony to save Elena . . . This can’t end well . . .

Back at the cemetery, Esther snatches Elena’s blood and feeds it to Alaric.

Coincidentally, Elena’s O face . . . and Elena’s OH NO face are strikingly similar . . .

She then kills him, helpfully informing Elena that, during Alaric’s transition, he will become “Good Alaric” for one final time.  Then, Jeremy and Matt pop up, and try to shoot Esther, which, of course, doesn’t work . . . because she’s an evil witch ghost DUH!  But surprise!

Crossbows RULE.  Just ask this guy . . .

Good Alaric rises to kill the biatch.

“NO MOTHER’S DAY CARD FOR YOU!”

Hooray . . . for now.

In other good news, now that Queen of the Vampire Haters is dead, Bonnie can move the salt with her mind.  The Scooby Gang is FREE!  But before they can leave to grab Elena, Klaus and Stefan, must fight like the gay lovers they truly are.

“We never touch anymore . . . except when you’re strangling me, or trying to stake me in the stomach.”

Klaus, once again, bemoans his lost friendship with Stefan . . . and by “friendship” he means all the great hot ripper sex they used to have.  Unfortunately, for Klaus, Stefan rejects him too . . . so the sex must not have been as good for Stefan, as it was for Klaus.

“Screw you, Recapper.  I’m an Adonis in the sack!”

Wow, duped by Beks, hated by his own mother, and rejected by both Caroline and Stefan . .. this REALLY isn’t Klaus’ episode, is it?

Worst . . . Funeral . . . EVER!

“Shouldn’t someone like say a speech or something?”

“No, no . . . just stare it him.  The depressing -want-to-slit-your-wrist-music will do all the work for us.”

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It’s maudlin emotional manipulation time, when we learn that Alaric, like Caroline’s dad before him, is not going to complete his vampire transition, so as to save his friends from his own murderous impulses.  This is followed by a massively tear jerking moment, in which the entire cast of the vampire diaries, stares longingly at Alaric, and gives the character, and presumably the actor, a fond adieu.

But that’s not all, we also get, single-tear soulful crying moments, first from surrogate son Jeremy, who’s been through this WAY too many times before . . .

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 . . . then from super crier, Elena . . .

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 . . . and finally, from Alaric himself, as bromantic team Bad Ass buddy Damon, joins Alaric in his self-imposed prison for one final glass of scotch, or bourbon, or whatever the heck is these two’s liquid of choice these days.

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In my absolute favorite scene of the entire episode Damon . . . the King of the Single Tear Cry apologizes for killing Alaric  . . .  twice, while Alaric playfully teases Damon about the cheeseball romance novel dream death he gave Dear Rose,  last season.  A few, alcoholic jokes are exchanges, before Alaric finally passes out from the sedative Meredith gave him.  And a lonely, and bereft Damon exits the “jail” stage left.

And if the episode ended here, I would have been happy . . . very happy.  Not because I want Alaric to be dead, of course.  But because I think this would have been a fitting and poignant send off, for a much beloved character . .  . (who’s going to be starring on another show on the CW soon, anyway) . . .

But nooooo .  . . we still have about five minutes left in the episode.  And it only takes about five minutes for everything to go to hell in a bloody hand basket . . .

“Hey, remember that time when I ate you in this gym?  Good times!”

After a couple sweet scenes, featuring various Mystic Falls’ couples comforting each other, in the wake of the “loss of Alaric” Matt and Jeremy: (“Let’s do shots for the Dead Alcoholic,)”

Bonnie and Not-Brother Jamie: (“I’m so sad about Alaric, even though I’ve shared maybe two scenes with him, since the pilot episode. Dad’s not home.  Let’s screw.”)

And Stefan and Elena: “Here’s the gym where I made you feel really bad, by turning off my emotions, and trying to eat you.  Feeling bad makes you human.  Let’s screw.”) . . .

. . . annoying ass Esther returns again . . .

. . . just we thought we were finally rid of that pucker lipped ho.  This time, she’s in Bonnie’s dreams.

Mother Effer (Or should I say, “Mother Esther?”)

Poor Bonnie . . . always a plot device  . . . never a bride.  Off she goes in her Esther-induced trance to almost dead Alaric’s jail to give the leaving Damon, one of her famous migraines . . .

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“One of these days, I’m going to invest in a really good helmet.”

 . . . and to force feed herself to Alaric.  In the final moments of the episode, Alaric awakens as a Robot Vampire version of himself, armed with a big weiner stake, and out for revenge.

Buffy Alaric VAMPIRE the Vampire Slayer

Silly Scooby Gang . . . you should have let Damon break his neck, when you had the chance.

Next week on TVD, more BAAAAAD Alaric beating people up and breaking sh*t  . . .

. . . at least, until they kill him again . . . probably for good this time.  But since they had the funeral already (and Alaric’s already died about 85,000 times since the pilot episode), this one is probably going to be a bit anti-climactic.  Alaric Saltzman has officially become the Boy Who Cried Dead.

Did I mention we already have a webclip?

One things for sure, with only two episodes left in the season, TVD is going to really have to up its game to wow its increasingly tough to please fanbase.  We’ve seen it all, these past three seasons: murder, cannibalism, sex, sacrifice,  death, destruction, doppelganger hijinks.  What can they possibly throw at us now? 🙂  You’re guess is as good as mine . . .

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

You Better Knock on Wood! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Murder of One”

“Hey Rebekah, would you mind if we finish reenacting your favorite scene from Fifty Shades of Grey, later?  I kind of have to pee.” 

Greetings, Fangbangers!  Our favorite vampire show has become quite the merciless tease, hasn’t it?

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The promos promised us Open Season on Originals . . . a veritable Vampire Bloodbath . . . our heros, armed with more stakes than they had targets. “The odds ever in their favor.”

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What we got was one lowly kill, of a character who’s claim to fame was literally being a Creepy Mama’s Boy.  Also, dude couldn’t fight worth a sh*t.  (Let’s face it, my grandma would have put up more of a fight than Finn did.)  Then again, in his defense, if you had spent the last 900 years napping, you’d probably be a bit off your game too.

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Additionally, the promos promised us intensely erotic Delena kisses.

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What we got was a Dream Sequence . . .

. . . oldest trick in the book . . . And yet, I manage to fall for it Every Single Time.

Shame on me.

Petty frustrations aside, there WAS definitely some fun to be had during “The Murder of One.”  For starters, we were treated to a rather clever twist on the concept of “Vampire Family.”  (So, which Original do you think sired Rose?)

Mommy? 

In related news, our Scooby Gang reached new levels of stupidity, when it willing ARMED the serial killer . . . again.  (They really would have been better off hiding the stake in the soapdish . . .)

So, stroke . . . er . . . I mean sharpen your woody . . . and chain up your half-naked pet vampire.  Because it’s time for another TVD-cap . . .

(As always, special thanks to my expert screencapper, Andre for the filled with awesomesauce screencaps you see here.)

“Shhh . . . be very, very quiet.  We’re hunting Originals.”

“Elena, please stop hounding me for sex.  You are starting to sound a little desperate.” 

Truth be told, Damon is acting a little cagey, when Elena pops by the site of Alaric’s “house arrest,” to drop off the latter’s Breakfast of Psycho Killer Champions.  The dark-haired vampire seems unusually eager for the love of his life to leave.  In fact, he pretty blatantly rebuffs her attempts to cross the threshhold into the apartment.

(And we all know how much Damon and Elena generally enjoy their bedroom rendezvous.)

Something is definitely UP, but what could it be?

Perhaps, Bad!Alaric has gone on a rampage, and destroyed the house?  Or, maybe the two bromantic buddies are having a dance-off.  Maybe, Damon and Alaric are watching a Lifetime movie together.  And they have just reached the part where Tori Spelling finally escapes her wife beating-shrew of a husband, and finds her way into the waiting arms of the mildly attractive B-list actor, who loved her all along . . .

“Funny . . . I always thought the most dangerous weapon in the world was in my pants . . .” 

It isn’t until after Damon closes the door in Elena’s face, that we find out what he’s really hiding . . . It’s his morning wood . . .-en stakes, that is.  That’s right, boys and girls!  It turns out that Psycho Killer Alaric Saltzman is a whiz with a buzz saw!  (Take that, crazy family from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.) 

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And Damon?  Well, he can whittle like nobody’s business!  Their Herculean efforts (combined with Stefan’s griping and complaining about his wood not being sufficiently erect) turn an old lame wooden bridge sign, into no less than TWELVE lean, mean, Originals- killing machines . . .  (Though part of me thinks they could have had more, if they made them a little smaller.  Silly men – always so preoccupied with the size of their sticks . . .)

Then, because five whole minutes have passed in the episode without anyone having done anything stupid, Damon and Stefan convince Psycho!Alaric to not only NOT turn himself in to the cops, but also to wear his “Jamaican Me Crazy” ring, for sh*ts and giggles.  Then . . . they actually GIVE this lunatic a stake!!!  Can you believe it?

Speaking of Psycho!Alaric, Elena tells Caroline that she should TOTALLY forgive him for murdering her father.  After all, it’s not his fault that he has REALLY bad taste in jewelry!

“It could be worse, he could have a Jamaican Me Crazy Nipple Ring . . .” 

Just like it’s not Caroline’s fault that she used to sometimes drink her favorite B Positive Blood from peoples’ necks, instead of using a straw, like the rest of us . . .

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After all, everybody knows that if Elena chose to turn her back on her friends and lovers JUST because they were serial killers, she wouldn’t have any friends at all!  (Plus, she’d pretty much never, ever get laid.)

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Caroline is super impressed by Elena’s Mother Theresa-esque attitude toward supernatural murderers.  So, she vows to be more tolerant of her father’s stake-wielding, cold blooded killer, in the future.  All  together now: Awwwww!

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As it turns out, Elena and Caroline aren’t just frolicking in the woods for their health.  They have a date with destiny!  Stefan has gathered the entire Scooby Gang . . . and Matt . . . in order to indoctrinate them into Team Kill Originals.

“No, Damon!  Everytime you make us play shirts versus skins, Vampire Killers, you always make us be skins.  It’s not fair!” 

“I can take off my pants, if that helps.  (I’m not wearing any underwear.)” 

And why shouldn’t everyone get to play?  There are plenty of stakes to go around!  Plus, since Mommy Original Witch’s spell has succesfully linked the family’s lives together, all the group needs to do is manage to kill ONE Original, and the rest of them will die shortly thereafter.

Now, surely, this stalwart crew of monsters, murderers and  . . Matt . . . can manage to kill one measley vampire, right?

Well . . .

On one hand, I adored the lighthearted nature of this “training” scene.  I smirked when Elena got to “roleplay” Klaus.  And I smiled again, when Caroline, (a.k.a. Klaus Bait) got to roleplay Rebekah.  My only gripe with this scene was that I thought there should have been a whole lot less planning, and a whole lot more .  . . STABBING of things.  Just sayin.’

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Finn Mikaelson . . . you are The Weakest Link.

Little does the Scooby Gang know that an Originals-Killing opportunity is closer at hand, than they think.  As it turns out, The World’s Most Self-Loathing Vampire (though, it could be argued that his vampire-eating, father hated himself more), did not actually leave town, as initially suspected.  In fact, he’s wandering around the Mystic Falls’ town square, RIGHT NOW.  It is here, where brother and sister dearest, Klaus and Rebekah corner him, and drag him back to their family lair.

“Check out those pects!  Have you been working out?” 

But Klaus and Rebekah are no dummies.  They know, full well, that they can catch more flies with honey, than with Finn-egar.   (See what I did there?)  Knowing that Finn will not guard his  life, to save his own siblings, they opt to offer him another reason to live  .  . . a.k.a. his lover girl, Sage . . . the boxing mind raper.  (Well, we all know who wore the pants in THAT relationship.)

Personally, my impression of Finn has always been that the only woman he’s ever dreamed about being horizontal with, is the one who breast fed him.  But hey, at least cares enough about Sage to put off whacking himself, long enough to accompany her to the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls for some bottom shelf tequila.  Ahhh, true love!

“He always shouted out, ‘Mommy,’ whenever we had sex.  I thought it was a cute pet name . . . until that time, when his mother tried to climb into bed with us  . . .”

Well, hello, there, Bondage Damon!

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Damon and Alaric (Wait . . . they are letting the Psycho Killer out of the house now?  What happened to house arrest?)  . . .

Then again, maybe some fresh air wouldn’t hurt . . .

 . . . are busy hiding their Originals-killing stakes.  When Damon decides to hide his in the fire kindling, Alaric hilariously reminds him of the “Moonstone in the Soapdish” incident.  Crazy Train is right, Damon.

Hiding valuable objects in plain sight might not be the best idea, in this instance.  . .

Unfortunately, Damon is about to have bigger problems than merely choosing a poor hiding place for his surrogate weiner.  Suddenly, Alaric has been knocked out cold, by an unseen force.

Alaric: “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”

Alaric’s alter ego: “Suck it up, loser!  We’ve got people to kill!” 

Next thing you know, Damon is being staked in the gut, to the point of unconsciousness.  “Hello, lover,” coos Rebekah, as she drags her “ex boyfriend” out of the house.  Well, that’s one way to let a guy know you are interested . . .

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This is another . . . 

Sometime during the commercial break, Rebekah, the sadist – who was none too happy to learn that Damon had used her body for sex, and then mind-raped her too boot (I don’t know, sounds like a pretty great time to me) has taken the opportunity to chain Damon to her ceiling.

Now, that’s a lot of heavy hardware to have just “lying around” your new mansion.  In fact, it made me wonder where one goes to purchase such a contraption.  (Something tells me an S&M sex shop wouldn’t do particularly good business in an old-fashioned town, like Mystic Falls.  Then again, considering about ¾ of the people we’ve met who live there are bloodthirsty vampires, witches, and werewolves, perhaps some intrepid entrepreneur capitalized on what he saw as a good business opportunity.)

Question, fangbangers:  Does the fact that I was turned on by the sight of an open-shirted Damon chained to the ceiling make me a bad person?  I strongly suspect that it does.  Then again, unless this is the first recap of mine that you are reading, you probably already knew I was a bad person, anyway, and have decided to withhold judgment against me for it.  So, thank you for that.

You know what’s nifty about the Salvatores?   (Yes, I just used the word “nifty.”  1954 has been calling me ever since I typed it, asking that I return the word to its proper decade.)  They even bleed pretty.  Back in “As I Lay Dying” the makeup department did a pretty awesome job  of making the gorgeous Ian Somerhalder genuinely look like a sickly vampire, mere moments away from suffering the True Death.

But this time, Bondage Damon just looked like a gogo dancer at an S&M themed strip joint . . . one who’d been splattered with red body paint to accentuate his perfectly muscled abs.

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Klaus must have noticed this too.  Upon seeing Damon Salvatore, The Extra Large Christmas Tree Ornament Version, he suggested that Rebekah HANG HIM UPSIDE DOWN.  Now, that is something I would have liked to have seen!  (I suspect Ian and his agents would likely have disagreed to that though.)  The implied method to Klaus’ awesomeness madness is that an upside down Damon can be bled for vervain much faster than one that is right side up, which would make him a quicker candidate for compulsion.

Rebekah balked at the idea . . . not necessarily because it was a bad one . . . but, more so because it was Klaus’ idea.  And Rebekah can torture her ex boyfriends just fine, without his help, thank you very much.  Also, I suspect, based that Rebekah was much more interested in torturing Damon and making him bleed, than actually .  . . oh, I don’t know . . . making him do something useful for the Original’s cause.  Such motivation (or lack thereof) is kind of consistent with who Rebekah is as a character, I think.  She’s never really been one to concern herself with mundane things like “goals, plans, and  . . . logic.”

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In other words, it’s all “id” all the time, for this chick . . .

Mystic Falls, we have a problem . . .

Unlike Bonnie, who never seems to pick up her cell phone, or return anyone’s calls (It looks like someone got a bad cell phone plan at Witchmart), Damon is usually rather chatty.

So, when Alaric has no clue where Damon has gone, and the latter is not answering his phone, Stefan knows that something is drastically wrong.  He tells Elena to hold off on staking Finn in the town square, because the Team is in trouble.

Upon hearing about that Damon might have been captured by the enemy, Elena immediately campaigns for a rescue mission.  “Please Stefan,” she says “Rescue your brother, because I strongly suspect he is half naked, and, back when you were chained to a ceiling half-naked by older vampires, he dropped everything to go out in the rain and rescue you.   Also, I’m in love with the guy, and would very much like to bone him” Elena says (more or less).

Stefan replies, “Meh, maybe later.  Killing Originals is wayyyy more important than my brother’s life. He’ll understand” (failing to realize, of course, that because Damon has been captured BY AN ORIGINAL, this would be an excellent opportunity to kill two birds with one stake.)”

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*clears throat*

Elena pouts in frustration.  But will she defy her exes instrustions to rescue his brother?  Only time will tell . . .

Damn you, promo makers.  DAMN YOU!

Rebekah may not be her brother’s equal, when it comes to Concocting Plans of World Domination / Vampire vervain draining, but she can definitely hold her own, when it comes to psychological torture.  Later on in the episode, we see a fully drained and rather pale Damon, still chained alone in the grand hall area, when a “mysterious female figure” approaches him.  It’s “Elena.”  “Elena” looks at Damon with obvious concern, as he weakly motions for her to free him from his chains.

“If you wanted to be kinky, Damon, a pair of fuzzy handcuffs would have been much cheaper.”

Damon’s body collapses into Elena’s, as the two stumble dramatically toward the exit, calling to mind a similar situation that occurred back in “As I Laying Dying.”  But Damon is too weak from loss of blood, and he falls to the floor, zapped of strength.  “I’m not leaving you,” Elena says heroically, cupping her lover’s face in her hands, as she offers him her wrist.  “Drink, she says.”

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And drink he does.  It’s so sweet and erotic, that you really can’t blame the pair for wanting to make out, afterwards, despite the fact that they are minutes away from being discovered and killed by ORIGINAL VAMPIRES.  (What can you do?  The tongue wants what it wants.)

Then, Damon awakens to a triumphant looking Rebekah, who clearly planned the entire hallucination.

Well . . . that BITES! I throw my shoe at the television, in disgust . . .

 Between a Rock and a Klaus Place

Damon may not be having the best day, but it might give him comfort to know he isn’t the only Team Scooby, who’s stuck being an Original’s b*tch, this week.  Klaus has Bonnie, who he has been holding under duress to perform the spell that will unlink the Original siblings lives.  When Bonnie claims not to know any such spell, Klaus threatens Jeremy’s life (via Kol, who’s secretly watching the future serial killer), and the life of her errant mother.

This recap has been brought to you by Apple iPhone . . . 

Suddenly, Bonnie’s memory returns to her.  (It’s a miracle!)  She mumbles a bit over the blood of the Originals, and it starts to escape in separate directions.  And, just like that, the spell has been completed.  Well, that was easy . . .

How many friggin candles does this chick have?  Seriously, she must light about 30 in every episode.  And they are always these boring white ones too.  A little color wouldn’t hurt, ya know?

On the way out of Klaus House, Bonnie catches sight of Bondage Damon, and opts to leave him there rotting, when Klaus reminds her of what he did to her sorry excuse for a mother.

Clearly, someone hasn’t been attending the Elena Gilbert School of Supernatural Forgiveness.   Once Bonnie is outside the house, she calls Elena to let her know that Klaus still has her lover boy.

After that, the stresses of the day overtake Bonnie, and she cries until snot pours out of her nose . . . literally.  I guess this means that snot and tears are the new nosebleed.  Look on the bright side Bonnie, it will save you a lot of money on dry cleaning.  And hey, life could be worse: SOMEONE COULD HAVE LEFT YOU CHAINED TO THE CEILING, HALF NAKED, AND ON THE VERGE OF DEATH!

The Wild and Wacky World of Vampire Genetics

It’s too bad the Scooby Gang doesn’t watch The Vampire Diaries.  If they did, they would have known about the whole separation spell having already been completed.  It would have saved them a stake . . .

Over at The Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, lovebirds, Sage and Finn, are enjoying shots of tequila.  Apparently, the 1,000ish year old Finn was a “tequila virgin,” up until this point.  (Yikes.  What a way to live!  No wonder he was always wanting to die!)

“The more of these I drink, the more you look like my mother.” 

A few shots later, Finn has decided to save his own life . .  . which, of course, means he’s about to get shanked . . .  That’s just how this show works. But before Finn can be killed, we have to endure a discussion between Finn and Sage about how many people they’ve each turned.  Finn seems to suggest he turned ONLY Sage, and did so out of loooooooove.

Sage, on the other hand, was a vampire-turning slut, converting humans left and right, whenever the mood hit her.  She even recently turned some dude in the bar, on the way to the bathroom . . .

With the help of Plot Device Matt, Stefan slips some vervain into Sage’s and Finn’s tequila.  When they go outside to investigate.  Stefan stakes Finn, and he goes kablooey.  Sage cries, and snots, like Bonnie did earlier.

“Listen honey, I know you’re hot for me, but this is just ridiculous.” 

And Stefan leaves, triumphant, thinking he’s just killed Klaus.  Sucks to be him . . . But hey, it could be worse, he could be CHAINED TO THE CEILING HALF NAKED . . . or . . . even worse than that . . . he could be Finn . . .

“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila . . . floor.” 

Who will save YOUR soul?

When Stefan learns from Elena, via Bonnie, that Klaus is not-so-much-dead, he’s furious, and finally ready to retrieve his brother, so that he can personally kill Klaus.  (Well, it’s about damn time!)  Shortly thereafter, Sage arrives to avenge her loverboy Finn’s death, along with that random vampire she turned in the bar.  Fortunately, for Stefan, the pair start coughing up blood, and die,  before they can do any real damage.

This looks like the before picture in a Botox commercial. 

Maybe she died of a broken heart, mused Caroline “B Positive” Forbes, who was there for moral support.  Nahh, if vampires could die of a broken heart, all the vampires on this show would have been dead a long time ago . . .

Eventually, Elena and Caroline figure out the “loophole” to their little plan.  Apparently, when an Original dies, he takes his entire bloodline along with him.  Well, hello BIG TWIST!

Of course, this means that ONE of the Original’s holds the key to the Salvatore Brothers’ and Caroline’s mortality.  After all, these three vampires come from the same “bloodline.”  Damon’s blood turned Caroline.  Katherine’s blood turned Stefan and Damon.  And Rose’s blood turned Katherine.

The question is . . . which Original turned Rose?   Because that’s the one our Scooby Gang can’t kill.  Personally, my money’s on Elijah, the Original, who’s continued existence for all eternity is the least likely to have a negative impact on the Salvatore Brother’s lives.  (If you recall, both Rose and Trevor were working for Elijah, during their first appearance on the show.)  This also gives Daniel Gillies, a “get back on the show” free card for the rest of the program’s run, which makes me very happy.

In other news, Tyler clearly comes from Klaus’ bloodline, which kinda sucks for Caroline, who’s pretty much destined to lose two love interests in a single episode.  But hey, at least she’s not CHAINED TO A CEILING, HALF NAKED. 🙂  Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

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Meanwhile, over at Klaus House, Stefan comes to rescue Damon.  “This went much differently in my head,” the Elder Salvatore brother jokes.

It went differently in my head too . . .

Stefan admits to killing Finn, and offers to make a deal with the Devil.  Eight Original Killing Stakes in exchange for Damon.  (Sounds like a good deal to me!)

But Klaus is smarter than I am, and knows there must be more than eight stakes left over.  So, he evilly compels Damon to try to break free from his chains, causing the poor guy excruciating pain . . . scratch that  . . . MORE excruciating pain.

Someone needs a nap . . . 

It really has not been a good episode for Damon.  Has it?  He then compels Damon to tell him the actual number of stakes remaining, which, as we know, is eleven (since the stake in Finn is gone, gone, gone).

Interestingly enough, it’s actually scorned lady Rebekah, who ultimately shows Damon mercy, offering up Damon’s freedom as a sign of good faith, while Stefan retrieves the remaining stakes, and brings them back to Klaus.  Drats, foiled again, Scooby Gang.  But hey, look on the bright side, Klaus might end up being your “daddy,” and then you’ll be glad you didn’t kill him / commit suicide.

Heart-to-Bloody Heart

In the aftermath of this twist of fate in Kill Klaus games, Rebekah balks at Klaus’ complete inability to mourn his brother’s passing.  Klaus calls Finn pathetic, and better off dead.  (Well, we certainly won’t be having HIM speak at the funeral.)  Rebekah notes sadly that, for all their manipulations the Salvatore brothers are willing to  risk their lives for one another, whereas the Mikaelsons only seem to give two craps about one another, when they are magically linked.

Klaus pouts,  promising Rebekah that he will make his own family, who are magically inclined to love him, no matter how many people he kills, or cheesy horse pictures he draws.  That’s the spirit Klaus!  Everyone knows there’s no better friend than a love slave . . .

Speaking of love slaves, Stefan’s kind of bummed that he can no longer focus all his life energy on killing Klaus, anymore.  This means, he’ll have to finally cope with what a douchenozzle he’s been to everybody this season.  That makes Stefan sad.

Stefan is also finally going to have to cope with the consequences of his recent actions . . . and one consequence in particular . . . the fact that his departure paved the way for Elena to fall in love with Damon.

“Look me in the eye and tell me that you don’t feel something for him,” says Stefan solemnly to his lady love.

Elena claims she doesn’t know what she feels.  But everyone else in Mystic Falls does . . .

Bad!Alaric strikes again.

Earlier on in the episode, Caroline had an awkward, “It’s OK that you killed my dad,” conversation with Alaric, who was supposedly “cured” from being a serial killer by some of Bonnie’s magic “Serial Killer Be Gone” soup.

“It’s OK, Alaric.  My father will always live on in my memories.  We shared so many good times together.” 

During that conversation she talked about the folks that she killed, back when she first turned vamp . . . like that random high school kid Connor, and her mom’s police boy partner . . . “We all have blood on our hands,” Caroline mused. sympathetically.

“Was it as good for you, as it was for me?” 

But Alaric’s got bigger problems now than “blood on his hands.”  He’s also still got psychopath on the BRAIN.  (Bonnie Soup = FAIL!)  Alaric comes to THIS painful realization, when Damon comes to collect his Originals killing stake, and Alaric learns that he’s stolen it . . . from himself.  (Don’t you just hate it when that happens?)

Maybe it’s hidden in your Chunky Monkey. 

Two weeks from now, on TVD, Elena will finally admit her feelings for Damon on a Vampire Road Trup.  Then, the two will share a bed together, and have “finger sex.”  *sigh*

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(This better not be another dream sequence, or someone’s going to get a stake up their ass, courtesy of one very angry TV Recapper.)

Dead Rose will also appear, thanks to Ghost Whisperer/ Future Psycho Killer Jeremy.  In other news, Tyler’s back.  And he’s wasted no time reuniting his tongue with Caroline’s.

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But is he still Gay for Klaus?  Only time will tell . . .You can check out the trailer for that episode here:

Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]