Oh, my dear Gleeks . . . it’s that time again . . . you know . . . the time when McKinley High School makes its annual pilgrimage to Spearsylvania.
And why not? Spearsylvania is a happy place . . . a place where every song is about That Boy You Boned, and popping your bubble gum, while thrusting your hip out suggestively, is the Language of Love.
Except, this time around, it appears that something is VERY rotten in Spearsylvania . . .
OMG! What’s a Gleek to do?
Can the Glee kids save their Happy Place from becoming a world filled with bald heads, bad relationships, and Cheetos binge sessions? Tune in to this mini-cap to find out . . .
Personally, I’ve never been a fan of the whole concept of “tough love,” or “brutal honesty.” I’ve always kind of viewed it as an excuse for your friends and loved ones to say obnoxious and hurtful things to you, under the guise of “caring” and “concern.”
Call me crazy. But when I’m feeling blue, I’d much prefer my friends to lie to me about how awesome I am, and how great everything is going to turn out, even if I know, deep down, that they are just blowing smoke up my ass.
Given my opinion on this subject, I found myself 100% relating to Rachel’s frustration with Finn’s idea of “giving her space” . . .
. . . and her annoyance with Cassie July’s notion of “student motivation” . . .
I also wasn’t necessarily on board with Sue Sylvester’s “brilliant” idea to kick Brittany off the Cheerios squad for failing ONE test during her second senior year, considering that Girlfriend has most likely failed EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY TEST she has ever taken since kindergarten . . .
You would think (given her own family history) that if anyone should understand that Brittany’s learning problems go way beyond laziness, and a much-too-tight high ponytail constricting blood flow to her brain, it would be Sue Sylvester.
But . . . as it turns out . . . not-so-much . . .
And yet, Brittany and Rachel aren’t the characters I’m most concerned about right now on Glee. You know who’s worrying me most? THIS GUY . . .
What’s going on with you, Lord Tubbington? Suddenly, you’re self-medicating?
In true Glee fashion, Unique and Tina use a song to gently break the news to new girl, Marley, that new boy, Jake, is probably “just not that into her,” because he’s already been inside everyone else, if you catch my drift . . .
Musically, the number wasn’t one of my favorites. However, I did enjoy the choreography, and the way Jake’s Army of Scorned Females grew throughout the song, until the triumphant finale, in which they filled an ENTIRE GYM! Now, that’s impressive! Be honest, Puck . . . you’re just a little bit proud of your baby bro for that one . . .
Speaking of Puck, guess who flew all the way in from LA, just to have a two-minute conversation with his baby long lost brother? (Guess his Pool Cleaning Business has a Frequent Flyer Program?) In what was probably the most random scene in the entire episode, the Sexy Mohawk-wearing Man convinced his Mini-Me to join Glee club, simply by revealing that he (Puck) had engaged in his first threesome at the ripe old age of seven . . . wait . . . WHAT?
Yeah, it didn’t make any sense at all, and . . . to be honest . . . was a bit disturbing. But hey, the guy still looks gooood . . .
You can clean MY pool anytime, Puckerman . . .
Speaking of things that don’t make any sense, how about a gay man singing this to a lesbian . . .
I know . . . I know . . . Brittany is technically bisexual. But still, it was a little weird. And yet, not quite as weird as a SUPER religious Christian guy singing about “threesomes” and “living in sin,” without adding the words “will get you a first class ticket to HELL,” to the end of the song.
One of viewers’ main complaints about the first Britney tribute episode, was that each of the songs featured was little more than a color-by-numbers cover performance . . . the sound, the costumes, the dance moves . . . each performance came off like a less vibrant copy of the original Britney Spears music video on which it was based. This time around, Glee seemed to take that criticism to heart, gamely reinterpreting Britney’s iconic (and some less-than-iconic) songs through mash-ups, different interpretations of the lyrics, and, in this case . . . actually going acoustic.
I don’t know about you guys, but I actually like this version of “3” better than the original . . .
Since we are on the subject of sex, it seems a certain dance teacher doesn’t think Rachel is sexy enough to dance the tango . . .
NO ONE calls THE RACHEL BERRY un-sexy . . .especially not a has-been, whose Broadway career ended ten years ago, because she made an ass of herself on YouTube . . .
. . .to perform a “dance number” with her, that basically involves her grabbing her crotch a lot, while said “hot older friend” repeatedly paws at her boobs and straddles her.
Uh oh Finn! It looks like someone might want to reconsider that whole “space” thing, if HE doesn’t want to end up being permanently replaced . . . both on that stupid painted-over apartment wall (Seriously? Who does that?) and in Rachel’s heart . . .
BAD KITTY! You’ve gone and made this storyline even more of a cliche! No toy mice for you!
Why don’t you go join Lord Tubbington’s gang, and leave Jarley alone?
But wait! Isn’t this episode supposed to be about Brittany?
You’re right! I almost forgot! So many subplots, so little time . . .
Anywhoo . . . when we last left Brittany, she had just been kicked off the Cheerios, leaving her not only without a high ponytail, but also without any clothing. (You know . . . since all cheerleaders have only one item of clothing their closet . . . their uniform . . . which they wear to school every day . . . and, sometimes, even on weekends.)
Fortunately for Brit-Brit, someone’s fat grandma likes to hang out at McKinley High, where she, occasionally performs strip teases for fun. This stroke of luck allowed Brittany access to this super fashionable t-shirt, which she plucked out of the Lost and Found . . .
Also in the Lost and Found? A razor . . .
. . . and a rather large green umbrella . . . perfect for beating the crap out of one Jacob Ben Israel in the hallway, and NOT getting suspended for it . . . you know . . . like Santana did, for lightly tapping Golden Boy Finn on the face for OUTING HER TO THE ENTIRE TOWN, last season
Deserves a hug . . .
Deserves EXPULSION!
Interestingly enough, none of these actions . . . not wearing Fat Grandma Clothes . . . nor carrying deadly weapons to school . . . nor brutally beating her classmates with rain gear . . . were considered loud enough cries of help from Brittany to get the attention she so direly deserved.
No . . . for Brittany to earn the help of one William Schuester, she had to do something far worse. She had to LIP SYNC!
OH THE HUMANITY! Brittany has gone TOO FAR now! SHE MUST BE STOPPED! It’s time to take drastic measures. It’s time to SEND IN . . . THE OTHER BLONDE . . .
Don’t worry, Brit-Brit! Sam understands your pain. He doesn’t know how to spell either . . .
Together you two beautifully unintellectual people will stage a Britney Spears-inspired comeback like the world has never known . . . one President Mistaken for an Oscar-Award Winning Actress at a time . . .
Worry not, my fellow Gleeks! Spearsylvania shall be SAVED!
Greetings Couch Potatoes! It’s been quite a week in TV Land. Planes exploded . . . teens overdosed, graduated, flunked out, and enlisted in the army. There were breakups, hookups, divorces, surprise pregnancies, conspiracies, embarrassing sexual encounters, blatant check fraud, and fake deaths. Someone even joined the Hari Krishna!
So, sit back, relax, and let’s relive all the WTF . . .
Game of Thrones – “The Prince of Winterfell”
So, it turns out that, contrary to popular belief, Theon Greyjoy didn’t actually kill those two Stark boys, burn up their bodies, and hang them out to rot, outside the Gates of Winterfell. Instead, he killed two random farmer boys, burned their bodies, and hung them out to rot, outside the Gates of Winterfell . . . which I guess is a relief . . . unless you happen to be those two farmers boys . . .
In other mistaken identity news, Cersei did not, in fact have Tyrion’s Whore beaten, like she claimed she did. Instead, she had some OTHER whore beaten, who Tyrion had to PRETEND was his whore, to protect his real whore. Am I sensing a pattern here?
Oh hey, it’s the Jamie Lannister and Brienne of Tarth comedy hour!
Needless to say in the romantic comedy version of this story, Brienne and Jamie would tip over their canoe in a sexually tense fight, and would subsequently have to “get out of their wet clothes.” Then, they would fight some more, finally ending a passionate kiss, only to have some medieval object get in the way . . . like a metal face mask . . . or an inconveniently placed sword . . . Ouch.
In other news, please, for the love of all that is holy, GIVE THIS WOMAN BACK HER DRAGONS!
Mad Men – “Christmas Waltz”
So, um . . . remember This Guy . . .
(Paul Kinsey)
Well, he’s baaack . . . except . . . well . . . I’ll let you see for yourself . . .
See, folks, this is what happens to you, when you’re dumped by Don Draper. You either put on a ton of weight . . .
. . . or you start working at the A&P, join the Hari Krishna movement, and pen bad Star Trek spec scripts with titles like “The Negron Complex.” That hair though . . . it reminds me of someone . . .
See, all this time, I’ve been dating Puck from Glee, I never knew he was a Hari Krishna. You think you know a guy . . .
Meanwhile, Lane Pryce is in deep doo-doo, because he started forging company check’s to pay off his Mother Country tax debt . . .
But hey, Don Draper isn’t really Don Draper, right? So, I guess if you’re going to forge someone’s name on a check, his is probably your best bet. After all, he forges his name all the time. Anyway, Lane . . . you’re probably going to end up in jail . . . or deported . . . or you just might off yourself by the season’s end. But hey, it could be worse. You could be wearing this shirt . . .
In other news, Don and Megan went to a play. Apparently, it was supposed to be about the horrors of advertising. But to me it just looked like an extended public service announcement about why we should bring naptime back to the workplace . . .
Speaking of Megan . . . Don, the next time you plan on going out joyriding an getting wasted with Joan after work, you should strongly consider calling your wife, and letting her know you are going to be late . . . unless, of course, you enjoy eating spaghetti off your dining room wall . . .
This, of course, brings me to my absolute favorite part of this episode . . . Don and Joan . . . Joan and Don. This mostly platonic (but highly sexually charged) pairing is filled with so much awesomeness that no elevator, bar, or backseat of a newly purchased Jaguar could possibly contain it.
And, perhaps, the most shocking thing of all? They haven’t slept together . . . yet.
Girls – “The Return”
Those of you who watch “Girls” know that it is not at all uncommon for the main character, Hannah Horvath to do, say, or experience something that makes you want to go hide under your bed in cringeworthy embarrassment on her behalf.
But regardless of how you might personally feel about Hannah, your heart really had to go out to her in this week’s episode. I mean, no one should have to help her late-middle aged father off the bathroom floor, while he’s suffering from a sex injury, after an unfortunate incident involving doggy style in the shower with mom. NO ONE!
Nineties kids and teens alike really got a kick out of this week’s Glee finale, which bid its senior class adieu by covering moderately oldies but still goodies, like the New Radicals “Get What You Give,” and “I’ll Remember,” which I mistakenly thought was “That Madonna Song from A League of Her Own” but my friend informed me was actually “That Madonna Song from With Honors.”
If watching Burt Hummel dance to Beyonce’s “Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)” on his son’s behalf doesn’t make you smile, you don’t have a soul. I’m sorry. There’s just no nice way of saying it . . .
In less happy news, here’s a little tip my old wise ass has for those of you folks who are currently eagerly awaiting your college acceptance letters. DO NOT . . . I repeat . . . DO NOT decide to open your letters with your friends because you think it will be a “bonding experience.”
You know what’s not a “bonding experience?” Anything that entails your getting heart ripped out of your chest, while having to pretend that you’re actually happy for your friend who got into the school you didn’t, while your lifelong dreams were squashed . . . like a bug lying on a football field during game time.
And yet, while it was certainly shocking that Whoopi Goldberg let Rachel “I choked” Berry into NYATA, but not Kurt (I mean, let’s face it, no one was really all that surprised about Finn getting dumped from The Actor’s Studio, right?), that was actually not the most jaw-dropping moment of the episode. That moment actually came much later, when Finn did the classic 8:53 p.m fake out, and decided to . . . um . . . White Fang his high school sweetheart, Rachel. (Those of you who watch New Girl know exactly what I’m talking about.)
That’s right. Finn Hudson didn’t marry Rachel Berry. And he didn’t let her postpone her acceptance to NYATA to spend another year with Finn in Lima. Instead, he broke up with her in the car on the way to their “wedding,” shoved her on a train, while she blubbered like a baby, and announced he was enlisting in the army . . . all in under five minutes . . .
Now, if you’ve ever read my Gleecaps before back when I actually used to write Gleecaps you probably know that I’ve never exactly been the biggest Finchel fan. And yet, I found this whole scene surprisingly emotional, due in a large part to Lea Michele just really knocking the scene out of the park.
So, remember that friend of mine? The one who corrected me about the film source of that Madonna cover? Well, this scene actually prompted a rather heated discussion between us. I mean sure, we started off simply enough, by discussing whether Finn Hudson was built for a career in armed services, and whether we thought Cory Monteith would look hot in a buzz cut . . .
But eventually we got around to talking about the nature of Finn’s sacrifice. Personally, I thought it was probably the most noble thing the character has done in his entire time on the show. In fact, watching this scene was the first time I really believed Finchel might actually make it in the long haul. Because let’s face it, had Finn let Rachel defer her dreams on his behalf, the mutual resentments that would inevitably fester between them would have inevitably eaten their relationship alive. Now, Rachel can sow her wild oats for a little while with some hipster types, Finn can finally get a haircut that fits his face, and eventually, they both can live happily ever after . . . EVERYBODY WINS!
My friend, on the other hand, thought Finn was a TOTAL ASS for surprise dumping Rachel in a car, and subsequently inviting all her friends and her TEACHER (?) to the train station to see her snot and cry.
To each his own, I guess . . .
And finally . . .
Revenge – “Reckoning”
Now, here is a show that’s known for its twists, turns, and that adorable bionic dog that didn’t age for 20 plus years. (R.I.P. Sammy!)
So, when it came time for the finale, we expected drama. We expected to see Nolan fighting for his life, and Emily rushing to rescue her only true ally . . .
Most of us probably even expected that Emily would face off against the EEEEEVVVIL White Haired Man . . . but probably wouldn’t actually kill him . . . because it’s only the show’s first season . . .
But I don’t think any of us expected those aforementioned things to be the LEAST shocking aspects of the episode . . . only to be topped by Emily breaking off her engagement with Daniel . . .
. . . Emily subsequently opening her heart to Barman Jack, only to find out that her alter ego, Faux-Manda Clark, is back in town and totally pretending to be pregnant with his child . . .
And then came the last five minutes of the episode, which packed into them no less than THREE potential deaths, one awakening from the dead (Emily’s mom), a MASSIVE CONSPIRACY, and possibly the best use of Florence and the Machines song “Seven Devils” of all time!
Now, personally, I don’t really think either Victoria or Charlotte Grayson actually went into that big ole Hamptons Mansion in the sky. (Lydia’s probably a goner. I mean, seriously, how many times do they have to almost-kill this woman, before she finally stays dead?) But I still have to give the writers props for “going there,” and for crafting what was possibly the best five minutes of television I’ve seen all year. And as for Season 2, all I’ve gotta say is this . . .
So, there you have it, my Week in TV WTF. What were YOU watching?
KURT: “I’m taking your pulse, to make sure that evil slushie didn’t kill you.”
BLAINE: “Last time I checked, I didn’t have a pulse in my ass . . .”
Greetings, fellow Gleeks! This week, Glee paid homage to the King of Pop, through a series of MJ-inspired ballads and dance numbers. Also this week, we experienced our first-ever slushie maiming, three college acceptance announcements (I’m sorry . . . one acceptance . . . two “finalists.”), two couples’ reunion-via-duet, and one Crazy Cellist War. So, gulp down your Rock Salt Slushie, slap a tape recorder onto your under boob, grab your crotch, and yell, “HEE-HEEEE,” because it’s time for another Gleecap . . .
Because the school library is the absolute best place to spontaneously break out in song
Santana and the rest of the Troubletones are talking about how bummed out they are that, unlike the rest of their New Directions buddies, they never got to perform a Michael Jackson song for a crowd. So, Blaine, the kind soul that he is, decides to make it up to them, by singing MJ’s classic “Wanna Be Startin’ Something,” mainly by himself, while the rest of the gang dances around him, and sings backup. (Hmmm . . . correct me if I’m wrong here, but wasn’t THIS precisely why the Troubletones defected from the New Directions in the first place . . . because they were ALWAYS singing backup to the likes of folks like Rachel and Blaine?)
Nice going, Mr. Sexy Pants!
Anyway, Blaine takes his little crotch-grabbing conga line through the library, where he picks up the rest of the Glee kids en route to the auditorium. There things get super cutesy, with the name “Michael” in lights, magically appearing on stage behind them, and every Glee kid clad in iconic Michael Jackson wear, from various periods in his life.
By now we’ve seen Glee do the whole “fashion tribute” thing, a few times during it’s “artist themed” episodes. But I think it works particularly well here, because Michael Jackson was surprisingly fashion iconic for a dude. He’s also been a mainstay in the music world for roughly forty years. So, these costumes function as a sort of history lesson for some of us, and a trip down memory lane, for others . . .
In fact, dare I say it, but I almost found the costumes in this musical number more memorable than the performance itself? Check it out . . .
Sexy Blaine is “too high to get over” and “too low to get under.” So, it looks like we are going to have to *clears throat* go right through him, if you catch my drift . . .
Oh dear, sweet, NAIVE, Finchel! Last week, we found our stalwart Finn Hudson in a bit of a teen-life crisis. Everything he thought he knew and loved about his life, was in danger of slipping through his fingers. The FUTURE was looming, large and terrifying, over his potato-shaped head. And try as he might, he couldn’t run from it. So, instead, he grabbed tightly to the only piece of his crumbling world that still made sense. In a moment of romantic impulsivity, mixed with just a twinge of desperation, Finn Hudson proposed to Rachel Berry . . .
And Rachel said . . . .
. . . well, apparently, she said absolutely nothing . . . ZERO, ZILCH, ZIPPO. (In fact, this is probably the first time in Rachel’s entire life, that she was left speechless . . . sans monologue and/or power ballad.)
To this cavernous Void of Speech and Song, Finn apparently responded (in a male version of the voice of that creepy girl from The Ring movies) “THREE DAYS.” *shivers*
For those who aren’t horror movie fans, in The Ring movies, if you watch a certain video tape in which a creepy chick crawls out of a well, once that video is over, that same chick calls you to tell you you are going to die in seven days. Annnd . . . then she kills you.
In the Finchel version, Rachel has three days to respond to Finn’s proposal, or he will make her choke on the engagement ring . . . never to sing again. JUST KIDDING! He just needs an answer, thank you very much. Unfortunately for him, Rachel’s still not quite ready to respond.
Golly, I wonder why? It couldn’t possibly have anything to do with the fact that she is seventeen, has minimal dating experience, and wants to be FAMOUS, now could it? “You don’t need to marry me to keep me from straying,” Rachel promises him. “There is only you, until I go to college, and meet the next Ryan Gosling. Then, all bets are off.”
Finn agrees to call off the creepy chick from The Ring, and give Rachel some more time to decide her entire future. That’s very generous of him . . .
No More Mr. Nice Gay!
Now, the Glee kids are hanging out at the Only Coffee Shop in Lima talking about . . . wait for it . . . Michael Jackson. They decide to go around in a circle, and share their favorite MJ memories, which, considering they were all still in the womb, during most of the guy’s career, should be an impressive batch of stories. Rachel admits that she doesn’t “get” Michael Jackson, bascially, because he doesn’t sing show tunes. So, the rest of the Glee club promptly proceed to browbeat her for this admission. No sense, angering MJ’s estate, when they so kindly offered Ryan Murphy and Co., MJ’s entire song catalogue, right?
This Michael Jackson Informercial is interrupted by Big Bad Sebastian Warbler. Remember him? The Lobster from The Little Mermaid?
The guy who seemed to have a big ole crush on Blaine, and wasn’t afraid to bulldoze right over Poor Kurt, in order to show it? Well, the Lobster’s motives for this little flirtation are now being severely called into question.
We are told that Sebastian learned of New Directions plans to do another Michael Jackson medley, by calling Blaine, under the guise of his needing help getting a wine stain out of his jacket. (I don’t know, Kurt. It sounds like phone sex to me . . . Jackets were definitely removed, at least.) I loved Blaine’s sheepish facial expression, after being called out on this. You would think that a guy who looks like Darren Criss would be used to the constant flirtations of men and women. But Blaine was clearly so taken aback by Sebastian’s faux show of interest in him, that it led him to miss ALL the red flags about this guy.
I haven’t decided yet, if I find this charming, or just really, really stupid . . .
Anywhoo, now Sebastian says that the WARBLERS will also be doing an MJ medley. This, of course, prompts Santana to go a little Lima Heights Adjacent on the Lobster’s ass.
So, the Lobster retorts by making a comment about all of Santana’s relatives in prison.
At first, I found this piece of dialogue to be a little racist. Then, I realized (based on Santana’s reaction) that her family members actually are supposed to be in prison. And I’m still not sure, if that made the joke more racist, or less . . .
Anywhoo . . . Sebastian says that he’s captain of the Warblers now, and is tired of playing nice. Then, he butt wiggles toward the exit, while the rest of the Glee kids, even the typically unflappable Santana, watch him go, open-mouthed, and more than a bit frightened. And now, we are probably NEVER going to learn how to get wine stains out of suit jackets. DAMMIT!
Two Glee Clubs, both alike in dignity . . .
The Glee kids decide to settle their score with the Warbler’s like adults . . . or, rather, like gang leaders and / or people who spend way too much time watching West Side Story. They decide to meet their nemeses in an abandoned parking lot. (Yeah, because THAT’s a safe place to play!) Clad in leather jackets and scowls, the Glee kids, duel dance and sing, against the Warblers, in an approximate recreation of the music video for Michael Jackson’s “Bad.”
Toward the end of the song, the groups broke off into pairs of two. And from that point on, I couldn’t stop watching Sebastian and Santana, who were paired off against one another. I know their character’s are gay. But I just can’t get over the sexual chemistry Naya Rivera and Grant Gustin have with one another. It’s positively electric, and it emanates from them, every time they share a scene together. (More on that, later.)
Speaking of Santana, I was happy to see her get a solo in this number, since “Bad” is oddly well-suited to her voice. My one gripe about the number, is that Puck wasn’t given more to do. You know . . . the former bully, who wears a mohawk, and spent time in juvie. Wouldn’t you think this whole “gang homage” would have been right up his alley?
Additionally, I’m always of fan of Glee putting it’s own spin on popular songs, as opposed to merely recreating them. And I think that the inclusion of Mark Salling’s raspy baritone into this number, could have made “Bad” something really special.
It’s not until the end of the song that things start to go really . . . for lack of a better term . . . bad. We see one of the Warblers hand Sebastian a brown paper bag containing an orange slushie. Sebastian aims to throw it at Kurt, but Blaine dives in the way. Instantly he crumbles on the floor, yelping and screaming, as the rest of the Warblers slink away.
Like, I suspect, many of you, at first, I found Blaine’s dramatic response to having his leather jacket and face dirtied, a bit over-the-top. I even recall laughing at him, a bit. Then, I found out the slushie actually scratched his cornea. So, I felt like crap. Thanks Glee!
Artie CAN WALK (and wear REALLY tight pants)!
You know who else felt like crap about Blaine’s eye injury? Artie. He’s tired of being pushed around by bullies, and rich kids wearing Hogwarts uniforms. He wants justice, dammit. He wants to crack some SKULLS AND SOME CORNEAS!
But Schue says, NO! Better to roll over and play dead . . . you know, kind of like Mr. Schue does himself, whenever he’s brow-beaten by his ex wife, or Sue Sylvester, or Principal Figgins, or the six year old who sells him girl scout cookies, or the neighbor’s chihuahua . . .
Artie is just SO MAD that he GETS UP AND STORMS OFF, with Mike Chang, close behind him . . .
Wait . . . WHAT????!!!!
Ooooh . . . now I get it . . . it’s a DAYDREAM SEQUENCE, also known as a near perfect visual recreation of Michael and Janet Jackson’s “Scream,” with Artie playing Michael, and Mike, oddly enough, playing Janet . . . even down to the hairdo.
For those familiar with the video, seeing it recreated in this way was really cool. (Though, I suspect those who weren’t familiar with the original video, it just looked . . . weird.) That said, I love that they gave Harry Shum, Jr. a solo in this one. His voice has improved by leaps and bounds, since the series began. I just wish the producers strayed from the original video, a bit more, to allow him to do more of his trademark dancing . . .
So, I guess Quinn’s . . . like smart . . . or something.
While lurking through the Glee message boards, I noticed that the pairing of Rachel Berry and Quinn Febray is extremely popular among a segment of the fandom.
And those shippers were undoubtedly squealing with joy, when Rachel met Quinn in the ladies room, in order to get advice about that whole “Finn proposed to me,” thing.
Now, I’ve gotta say, this wasn’t exactly Rachel’s most thoughtful moment. I mean, correct me, if I’m wrong, but didn’t Finn LEAVE Quinn for Rachel MULTIPLE TIMES . . . the last one occuring very recently. Didn’t she worry that hearing this might . . . I don’t know . . . hurt Quinn’s feelings, a little bit.
After all, it’s one thing for your first love to move on, and fall in love with someone else. It’s quite another for him to MARRY that someone else . . . And that brand of heartache is certainly not something one expects to have to deal with, while still in high school. Then again, it could be argued that no one should have to deal with pregnancy in high school either, and yet many young women do every year, including Quinn . . .
That said, Quinn was surprisingly SUPER adult about the whole thing . . . more adult than I suspect I would be. Rather than calling Rachel out for her insensitivity, Quinn kindly and gently, but firmly, offers her some pretty sound advice. “You have an amazing life ahead of you,” she tells her frenemy. “You can finally get what you want, what you always dreamed of. Don’t throw it away.”
She also tells her to DUMP Finn, and leave high school completely behind. Well . . . that might be a bit like throwing the Finn baby out with the bathwater. But in terms of the marriage proposal, I think Quinn’s got a point. If Rachel sacrifices her own dreams to be with Finn, she will eventually come to resent him for it.
Quinn then announces to Rachel (and, eventually, the rest of the Glee club) that she got into Yale. Wow, I remember, a few episodes back, when Quinn mentioned she was applying to Yale (but only because she felt she wasn’t a good enough singer to get into NYATA (also known as the Glee equivalent of whereever it was the kids from the original 90210 went to college), I actually started laughing, because the character never struck me as being particularly smart.
Sorry!
But apparently, the whole time Quinn was getting (1) knocked up, (2) kicked out of her house, (3) giving birth, (4) trying to steal her baby, and (5) hanging out in the bathroom with a group of girls called “The Skanks” she was also getting Straight A’s.
Who knew?
Quinn’s solo this week “Never Can Say Goodbye” . . .
. . . which she sings to Rachel, and, of course, to all the Glee men she’s boned in the past.
I’ll admit, it wasn’t my favorite number of the episode (or even my favorite Dianna Agron performance). But, hey, at least she looked really pretty doing it!
Goodbye Quinn! We sure will miss your sometimes-crazy ass!
I LOVE BURT HUMMEL!
Burt Hummel is PURE awesomesauce! He came all the way down to McKinley High, in the middle of the day, just to give Kurt his mail. That’s right, Kiddies, the NYATA admissions letters are FINALLY HERE. And Kurt’s is REALLY SMALL, which, many college hopefuls can tell you, tends not to be a good sign. While he was opening that letter, I was so worried that you would think it was me about to get my dreams crushed, not him.
But wait . . . it’s not a rejection at all. He’s a NYATA finalist! Kurt’s ecstatic, of course. But Burt seems even more thrilled. “They hurt you, and tried to bring you down, but you beat them all,” Burt tells his son, while choked up with pride. “I’m so proud to be your dad. They can never take this away from you. You won.”
And . . . now my mascara is running all over my face. Thanks Burt! (What can I say, I’m always a big sucker for those father / son moments . . .
Speaking of winning . . .
Sam SCORES!
Continuing on his quest to get back inside Mercedes panties, Sam gets her to meet him in the auditorium, where he ropes her into singing, MJ’s soft, sweet, and sensual, “Human Nature.”
The performance itself was a fairly bare-bones one. But I was impressed by how nicely Chord Overstreet’s and Amber Riley’s voices complemented one another. The duet also highlighted the couple’s romantic chemistry. And Sam must have been doing something right, because this number ended in a much-more-than-friendly kiss.
Sorry Shane! It looks like your guest star days as Mercedes’ arm candy are numbered . . .
“Gee, sorry about your eye, Blaine. Let me sing you a song about this rat I know . . .”
Meanwhile, at Blaine’s house, he’s in bed, rocking an eye patch (and awaiting the surgery that took his character conveniently out of commission, while Darren Criss starred in “How to Succeed in Business” on Broadway). Blaine looks like a really cute gay pirate, but you can tell he’s seriously bummed about it. Cue the entrance of Finchel and Kurt to lift his spirits, by singing him a song about how they Blaine him, no matter what he looks like . . . even if he just so happens to look like a garbage-eating, subway crawling, disease-infested rat.
OK . . . this rat is actually kind of cute. But still!
That’s right, folks. Michael Jackson wrote the song “Ben” about a rat. And now Kurt is singing it to his boyfriend . . .
2Cellos or Not 2Cellos . . .
Meanwhile, Santana has broken into La Casa de Warbler, home of Blaine’s former friends, who have since turned on him, like a bunch of . . . dare I say it . . . rats. She confronts Sebastian for round two of their hot hate sex, disguised as dancing and singing angry duel for Blaine’s honor. Sebastian excuses his fellow Warblers, telling them he doesn’t want them to see him make a girl cry. But we all know it’s really because he doesn’t want them to see him cry in pure orgasmic ecstasy.
In a room filled with a maze of chairs, fueled by the sounds of the two super talented, but-so-intense-they-are-a-bit-scary, cellists from the group 2Cellos, Sebastian and Santana tease and taunt one another, as they chase eachother around the room to the tune of Michael Jackson’s “Smooth Criminal.” Like, I suspect, many of you, I watched this number on YouTube, long before I saw it, in the actual episode. And yet, it still remains, by far, my favorite musical number of the hour.
For starters, the performance a truly original take on MJ’s original song, bolstered by the sultry intensity of Naya Rivera’s vocals. But, more importantly (for me, anyway), the complex and heated subtext between Sebastian and Santana, as they joust in more ways then one, pulling and prodding one another to the song’s ecstatic crescendo, adds layers to both the music and MJ’s words that I didn’t even know existed.
Did I mention that Sebastian openly admits to Santana that he put rock salt in that ill-fated slushie that ended up in Blaine’s corneas.
ROCK SALT! (That’s really awful. And it makes me feel even worse for laughing at Blaine, when he first went down, early on in the episode.) Considering that Dalton Academy was a school to which Kurt originally transferred, largely for it’s “no tolerance for violence” policy, POURING ROCK SALT IN SOMEONE’S FACE, just so they can’t compete in a SINGING COMPETITION sure seems like it would grounds for expulsion, don’t you think? (Possibly even jail time.)
And though Sebastian seems to have absolutely no remorse for nearly blinding his almost-boyfriend, ultimately, it’s Santana, who has the last laugh. Why? Because she got the whole thing on tape, by attaching a bug . . . to her “underboob” . . . naturally . . .
Don’t want Finchel to get married? Blame Rachel’s mailman . . .
“Dear USPS . . . YOU SUCK! I’d send this letter to you by mail, but, knowing you guys, you will probably never ever receive it”
Poor Rachel has become a victim of a government bureaucracy she can’t control. It seems that everyone in the world has gotten their college acceptance letters, except for her. So, of course, she assumes the worst. “I have no idea what I’m doing,” Rachel cries to bestie Kurt, in the locker area, when she learns his good news about NYATA. “Everyone has a plan, but me.”
He gets an orchestra to accompany the two of them, as they sing, “Can’t Stop Loving You.” It’s a gorgeous rendition . . . if you are a big fan of mushy ballads. Rachel sure seems genuinely in love, when she finally gives Finn the “yes,” he’s been waiting for since last week.
But, as much as I believe Rachel loves Finn, I can’t help but think that — at least, at this very moment — she sees marrying him as a sort of consolation prize.
. . . that deer-in-headlights look she gets in her eyes, when Kurt asks if she told Finn the good news, definitely seems to confirm my suspicions . . .
“Gulp.”
Because singing loudly at somebody, is the perfect revenge for their RAPING OF YOUR EYEBALL . . .
So, I bet you were wondering what Santana ended up doing with that CRIMINAL CONFESSION of Sebastians. As it turns out, she GAVE IT BACK TO HIM.
That’s right, kiddies. Apparently, New Directions idea of “taking the high road,” means avenging their friend’s injury by PERFORMING FOR THEIR ENEMIES . . .
My sentiments exactly! But perform they do, to the tune of Michael Jackson’s “Black and White,” complete with the video’s trademark Scary Face Morphing Technology. The rest of the Warblers (except for Sebastian) join in the fun. Of course, Blaine can’t play along . . . you know . . . BECAUSE HE ONLY HAS ONE EYE!!!!!!
But hey, it’s all about “teaching the villain” a lesson in goodness, right?
Greetings Gleeks! You know, after a few weeks of super angsty Glee installments, it was nice, for a change, to enjoy an hour of television that was all sweetness, light, and underage strippers. 😉
Shall we undress the episode? 😉
The Return of White Chocolate
Explain something to me, Gleeks. Why must the New Directions kids always wait until the last possible minute to choose their competition songs? That’s just irresponsible . . . WILL SCHUESTER.
FOR SHAME!
Anywhoo, at the beginning of “Hold on to Sixteen,” the New Direction kids find themselves both songless, and Rachel-free, with just days to go, before the Main Event . . .
Fortunately, our clever Gleeks have a plan: Let’s go kidnap Trouty Mouth from Kentucky!
“Let me guess . . . you want me to eat the competition?’
I loved the sort of Meta-aspect of the Glee kids deciding that they needed Sam back as their “secret weapon” to win Sectionals, just as the Glee producers decided they needed Sam back, because he’s one of the few characters left that on the show that isn’t playing a graduating senior . . .
He also has great abs . . .
Finn and Rachel take a little road trip down to the place where Sam works, in order to do the recruiting, themselves. (Of course, I’m not quite sure how they figured out where he worked, considering Sam hasn’t told his parents, and, therefore, probably wouldn’t post that information on Facebook, out of fear of getting caught. But I digress.) When Finn and Rachel arrive at the “restaurant,” they see that it’s filled with old ladies, each bearing wads of cash in their fists. Rachel immediately assumes that Sam works at “dinner theater.” Clearly, Rachel didn’t watch the promo for this week’s episode. And why not? We all know how much grannys love their dinner theater!
Or not?
Ultimately, Rachel is right. Sam DOES perform dinner theater . . . more or less. It’s just that the “part” he happens to play in said “theater” is a private one is a stripper named White Chocolate (?), who wiggles his hips at grandmas, until they shove dollar bills down his pants . . .
Rachel asks Finn for a dollar, so that she can join the fun . . . thus proving that it’s not really cheating, as long as money is involved . . .
After getting a good solid glimpse of Sam’s . . . er . . . assets, Finn and Rachel follow him to his dressing room. There he explains that he needs the job to make ends meet. After all, it pays WAY better than the local Dairy Queen, where his parents think he’s working. Plus, the uniform is much less binding.
Rachel and Finn eventually tell Sam that he should come back to McKinley High, and, more importantly, New Directions. (He can stay at Kurt’s and Finn’s house . . . everybody else does!) Sam readily agrees, and takes the pair back home with him, so that he can give his parents the randomridiculousnonsensical fabulous news . . .
Sam’s parents are “The Dad from Smallville” and “Some Blonde Actress I Don’t Recognize.”
Sam basically tells them that the reason he wants to go back to McKinley High, because he misses being a teenager. Also, he’s tired of having 70 year old ladies, and some men, tug on his jock strap, and try to throw quarters inside. Blonde Actress I Don’t Recognize immediately starts to cry . . . not because she feels guilty about making Sam grow up poor . . . but because, when Sam’s in Ohio, she will miss his Trouty Mouth face . . . you know the one the “local Dairy Queen” always makes him cover with glitter . . .
Mere moments later, Sam is back at McKinley singing an uber appropriate song about alcoholism and underage drinking, called “Red Solo Cup.” (Originally sung by country songster, Toby Keith.)
The rest of the New Directions crew joins in, while pretending to get wasted on Sparkling Cider . . . except for Kurt, who’s always been more of a juice box and sippy cup, kind of guy . . .
You can catch the Ode to Cheap Keg Beer, here, as well as Santana’s Absolutely Brilliant Ode to Trouty Mouth, which follows immediately thereafter.
Girlfriend should seriously consider a career in stand-up . . .
By the way, was I the only one who thought Sam’s “Red Solo Cup” sounded suspiciously similar to Brittany’s “My Cup” song, from last season? (I guess Glee kids really like cups . . .)
Will Schuester, of course, sees nothing at all with his students singing songs about boozing at school. Everybody does it!
Once he’s gotten his friends all thoroughly fake-drunk on cider, Sam informs them that the only way this mostly male group can win Sectionals is basically by ‘shaking what their mama gave them.’ He then proceeds to teach them all his Sripper Moves. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love me some White Chocolate Gyrations as much as the next girl. BUT . . .
Our former Warbler is simply appalled by the notion of using sex to win a Glee club competition! “I am NOT for sale,” he shouts, before stomping off in a huff . . .
We find Blaine in the gym, a few moments later, getting all hot and sweaty with one VERY LUCKY punching bag. Mommy like . . . A LOT!
*casually wipes drool from keyboard*
When Finn comes to visit, Blaine admits that he’s not just mad at Sam for trying to make the Glee club slutty, he’s also mad at Finn, for being a total asshat to him, ever since he transferred to McKinley . . .
ROAR! Angry, Hoodie-wearing, Blaine is the BOMB DIGGITY!
Finn basically agrees with Kurt about the whole “asshat” thing. But hey, he’s only been acting that way because he’s SUPER jealous of Blaine’s hot bod, and mad dancing skills! (Honestly can you blame him?)
This . . .
Versus this . . .
Ultimately, the two put aside their differences, and decide to work together to ensure that New Directions brings home a win at Sectionals. They seal their agreement with a kiss manly fist pound . . .
(Though, personally, I would have preferred a Gay High Five . . .)
Speaking of Blaine . . .
“You smell like Craigslist.”
Kurt has come face-to-face with his enemy. And that enemy has CW hair . . .
. . . and smells like Craigslist. (Hmm . . . what do you all think Craigslist smells like? I’m thinking dirty socks, with a hint of cheap cologne, intermingled with an old couch covered in cat hair. No offense to Craigslist, of course.)
Kurt is just minding his own business, and having a nice cup of coffee with his boyfriend, when in comes that lobster from The Little Mermaid, Sebastian.
Kudos to Grant Gustin, who’s mastered just the right balance of slimy, stalkerish, and decidedly evil, yet oddly charming and sexy, in his portrayal of Sebastian. I’m already loving to hate him. Sebastian claims he just “happened” to see Blaine getting coffee, and decided to stop by. But there’s something about the way he says it, that makes you think, “I’ve been sitting outside the coffee shop for hours, waiting for you to come.” *insert super villain laugh here*
Blaine must pick up on this. Because immediately becomes super uncomfortable, and escapes to the counter to pick up his Cup O’ Joe. With the mutual object of their affection out of the way, Kurt and Sebastian can drop all pretenses of being civil. This is when things start to get really fun, with Kurt pointedly telling Sebastian he doesn’t like him, and Sebastian returning the favor, by telling Kurt he has a serious case of “Gay Face.”
Something tells me these two are in for a serious, balls to the wall, hair pulling cat fight, in the upcoming weeks. It’s a good thing Blaine took those boxing lessons. After all, he’s probably going to be the one who ends up having to break it up . . .
“It’s not easy looking this good . . .”
Speaking of the always intriguing game of Love Roulette . . .
Sam and his Women . . .
Remember when Sam and Quinn were the BLONDEST COUPLE EVER . . .
Well, apparently, Quinn does too. And she wants another piece of that White Chocolate . . . in her pants! Unfortunately, Quinnipoo’s recent trip to Crazytown has rendered her temporarily incapable of successfully hitting on men. Instead, she tells Sam he should date her, because he’s “great with kids,” which means he’ll be really good with Beth, after she steals her away from her current mother.
Um, Quinn? I hate to break it to you, but, as far as pickup lines go, that one was about as sexy as syphillis . . .
Sam tries to let her down easy though, by telling her she has “rich white girl problems,” and that she should “hold on to sixteen, as long as [she] can,” like the couple from that song, Jack and Diane. (I smell an Episode Title!) Come to think of it, he didn’t let her down easy at all! That was super harsh . . .
Then again, I guess Tough Love is in order for this self-destructive diva. After all, if she doesn’t change her ways, she will most certainly end up like Charlize Theron’s character in that new movie, Young Adult . . .
I actually kind of see a resemblance . . .
. . . or worse, her character from that old movie, Monster.
However, having been out of town for quite some time, Sam doesn’t really know just how big of a bullet he dodged, by deciding NOT to start dating Quinn again. Instead, it seems the main reason, he rejected the popular blonde, was that he was much more interested in winning back his other ex, the sassy brunette . . .
Ahhh . . . Samcedes . . . the ship that almost was . . . This just so happened to be one of those storylines that was unceremoniously dumped, upon Chord Overstreet’s departure from the show, at the end of last season. However, Sam would have us believe that the sexy summer courtship these two shared was EPIC, with a capital “E.” Mercedes doesn’t seem quite as certain as Sam of their everlasting love . . .
However, she does seem fairly aroused by Sam’s shameless flirting, and no-holds-barred willingness to win her back, despite the fact that Mercedes’ current boyfriend looks like he eats monster trucks for breakfast . . .
“Nom-nom, that freshman tasted goooood.”
My advice to Sam? Wear a helmet . . .
In parental unit news . . .
“This is your path. You must follow it.”
Ahhh . . . Mike Chang . . . sweet, adorable, awesome, Mike Chang. Somehow you have gone from being That Random Dancing Dude to The Guy with the Great Abs . . .
. . . to one of my FAVORITE CHARACTERS ON THIS SHOW . . .
On one hand, when you really think about it, Mike Chang’s storyline in “Hold on to Sixteen” was more or less a Cliff Notes’ reprise of his storyline in “Asian F.” I mean, think about it. You’ve got Mike getting pressure from his father to pursue a career in medicine, while his girlfriend convinces him to follow his dreams, and become a professional dancer. Then, ultimately, upon seeing Mike perform, his dad realizes just how talented his son is, realizes the error of his ways, and agrees to support him in his artistic endeavors.
However, thanks to some tremendous acting on the parts of Harry Shum, Jr., Jenna Ushkowitz, and Keong Sim, who plays Mike’s dad, this recycled storyline was somehow made to seem shiny and new, and even offered up enough heartwarming poignant moments to make me a little teary-eyed . . .
It all started when Mike admitted to his girlfriend that he was planning on applying to medical schools, as opposed to dancing schools, because he wanted his father back in his life. Finding this patently unacceptable, especially given the extent of Mike’s talent and passion for performing, Tina shows herself to have balls of steel, by visiting Mike’s father at his office, knowing full well that the latter does not approve of the pair’s romantic relationship . . .
At first, Mike’s dad seems annoyed at Tina for wasting his time, and has some pretty harsh things to say to her about her own chances at success in the performing world. Douchey Daddy even goes as far as to say that Tina’s parents are deluding her, by supporting her dreams, since she’s pretty much destined to fail. But Tina’s no dummy. She knows exactly how to get through to Mr. Chang. “You’re always talking about honor,” she tells him. “Help your son to honor his gift.”
“I also added in a hint of vampire compulsion.”
Though it’s Tina’s choice words that convince Douchey Daddy to get off his stubborn ass, and watch his son perform at Sectionals. It’s Mike’s talents that ultimately win over the doctor, making him ever-so-slightly less douchey than before . . .
“This is your path. You must follow it,” instructs Obi-wan-Chang, in a “wise man” voice, that would make even Yoda proud . . .
“Strong in you, the force is. Though douchey, you still sometimes are.”
Then we find out, that, even though Mike missed his dance school application deadlines, Tina applied on his behalf.
And they all lived “danc-ily ever after” . . .
Speaking of people who became slightly-less-evil for the sake of their children . . .
Quinn, we’d like to reintroduce you to your Soul. Soul . . . meet Quinn . . . again.
“Ummm . . . Quinn? Boardwalk Empire called. It wants that old ass hat back . . .
Thank the Lord of Dance for ending this RIDICULOUS BABY KNAPPING STORYLINE!!!!
This week, Quinn’s all ready to rat out Shelby for f*&king Puck. (Hey, that rhymes!) So, that the Troubletones can get disqualified from Sectionals, Shelby can be fired, and Quinn can have another shot at adopting back her spawn, Beth . . .
Rachel begs Quinn to reconsider, telling her that she knows what it’s like to do the wrong thing (i.e. fixing the class election), and it feels awful if you get caught. Well, Rachel, this might be true for YOU. But Quinn’s been doing the Wrong Thing for Two Seasons straight now, and it still hasn’t changed a thing.
But you still get an “A” for effort, Sweetie!
Though Rachel’s words plant the seeds of reform in Quinn’s mind, oddly enough, it’s Shelby that really sends her on the path toward redemption. “You may be young, and pretty now. But, one day, you are going to be a forty year old, who needs to have sex with 18 year olds who look 30 in order to feel better about yourself. So, you might as well enjoy being a teenager, while you still can,” says Shelby, more or less. (How’s that for a pep talk?)
This discussion ultimately “scares Quinn straight” so to speak. And she decides NOT to rat out Shelby for her temporary lapse into cougardom. She even gets to share her newfound wisdom with her fellow Gleeks. But, more on that later . . . It’s time for SECTIONALS!
Wherein the New Directions Get to Perform Eight Minutes Longer Than Everybody Else . . .
RACHEL: “But that’s not fair!”
KURT: “Shhhh . . . maybe no one will notice.”
It’s time for the main event. The Troubletones versus the New Directions versus . . . a whole bunch of other teams we never get to see, and don’t really care about (with the exception of one that we DO get to see, and STILL don’t care about). Before they head to the auditorium, The Troubletones “graciously” invite the members of New Directions to join them, if and when they win.
Finn finds the offer extremely rude even though, they ultimately end up making the SAME offer to the Troubletones, at the end of the episode. “No, we’re being nice,” corrected Santana. “It would be rude if I followed you around, and, everytime you took a step, I played a note on the tuba.”
Actually, that would be HILARIOUS . . . (Anyone got a tuba I could borrow?)
Aside from our McKinley based rivals, the only other group we get to hear during the Sectionals competition is the ridiculously named UNITARDS . . .
. . . who are led by, the uber obnoxious Harmony (a.k.a. that OTHER Glee Project winner), who we met, during the season premiere. They preform the song “Buenos Aires” from Evita. And it’s OK . . . I guess . . .
In case you are curious, you can watch the performance here:
The Unitards ultimately end up coming in third place, which, hopefully means, we won’t have to see them again, at least, for another season . . .
Next up are The Troubletones, with a fun little mashup of Gloria Gaynor’s classic wedding ditty “I Will Survive,” and Destiny Child’s Dumped Girl Anthem, “Survivor.” (Apparently, the Glee writers, heard the complaints of us snarky recappers. In a surprise showing of continuity, BOTH the Troubletones and New Directions added in enough random extras to have the twelve-member troupes that were so important to the competition in previous episodes.)
As for this performance, it was sassy, sexy, well-harmonized, and expertly choreographed, basically, everything we’ve come to expect from this all-girl troupe. Yet still, I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if they performed their Adele mashup, from a few weeks prior, instead of this one. Am I the only one who thinks they probably would have won?
Regarding the New Directions, there’s was a three-part tribute to the Jackson family. In a seemingly bold move — especially considering past performances — the tribute allowed EACH member of the club to shine, with his or her own solo . . . as opposed to having one or two Gleeks hog the stage, while the others rocked back and forth in the background . . .
*clears throat*
First, Tina, Kurt, and yes, boys and girls, Mike Chang(!) took the lead on the Jackson Five’s peppy, ABC, which was by far my favorite of the three numbers . . .
Next came Finn, Artie, and Puck crooning to Michael Jackson’s own soulful ode to self-discovery, Man in the Mirror . . .
Finally, Quinn and Blaine took over for my last favorite performance of the three to Janet Jackson’s “Control.” In the New Direction’s defense, I’d simply never heard the song before, and didn’t like it very much. They did their best with what they were given, though . . . (And Quinn’s ” taking control,” speech at the beginning was TOTALLY terrifying. So, if that was the point of it, mission accomplished.)
Given that we are only half way through the season, the fact that New Directions ended up winning the competition (with the Troubletones coming in a close second) should be no surprise to you. But still, it was nice to see Quinn, of all people, be the one to finally extend an olive branch to her competitors, by inviting them to rejoin the WINNING team. She even got Rachel to agree to let the girl group perform its own solo number in each successive competition, which should be fun to see . . .
Did I mention that Quinn decided she wants to go to Yale? Yeah, because THAT’S an easy thing to accomplish!
Then again, her whole Baby Napping Storyline should make for a really nifty Ivy League College Application Essay . . .
The episode ends on a super cheery note, with the Glee kids all together at last for a big impromptu finale sing-a-long to the song “We are young.” What I liked best about this number was, not necessarily the performance itself (I mean, there was virtually no choreography at all), but how much fun the Glee kids seemed to be having during it. I mean, these guys genuinely seem to enjoy one another’s company, and chemistry like that is pretty hard to fake. See for yourself . . .
And that’s all she wrote for this week’s episode of Glee. Be sure to tune in next week, for the guaranteed cheese-fest that is the show’s annual holiday-themed episode . . .
I’m sorry. Was that too Grinchy of me? What I mean to say is, be sure to tune in next week for the SUPER EXCITING Christmas installment of Glee . . .
Greetings Gleeks! You know one of the benefits of writing a late Gleecap, as I’m often inclined to do, is having the hindsight of having already read a few message boards on the subject. And boy, did this episode make a whole lot of people angry, for a variety of reasons . . .
Some of you were put off by how the writers handled Finn’s outing of Santana.
Others were frustrated by the sheer lack of Brittana, throughout the hour, thereby making the title of this episode, somewhat of a misnomer . . . if you catch my drift.
Still others of you were annoyed at how the episode brushed off Santana’s actual coming out to her parents.
And, finally, a whole boatload of you were TOTALLY GROSSED out by the Puck / Quinn / Shelby storyline.
But, hey, at least it’s not half as bad as Puck’s storylines with that Lauren Zizes chick. Right? RIGHT??
Who knew a show about singing and dancing high schoolers could be so divisive? Let’s Gleecap, shall we?
The Slap Heard Round the World School
Last week’s Gleeky installment ended with Santana (or, according to her, her alter ego, “Snicks”) clocking Finn (a.k.a. Fetus Face, a.k.a. Hamburglar) in the face for inadvertently outing her to all of Lima, Ohio.
I know I posted it before, but it bears repeating . . . 😉
This week, Santana’s facing down suspension, not to mention a big fat “NO” to competing in Sectionals. Finn shocks his erstwhile nemesis by claiming the entire slapping debacle to be nothing more than a little impromptu acting.
Apparently, Finn is a much better actor than he is a dancer . . .
“It was fake. HAHA! Just kidding! LOL and such!” He says, though his face currently bears a big red handprint on it, with the words “Santana was here, B*TCHES,” written in a mixture blood and lipstick across his cheek.” (Not really . . . but there should have been.)
No one’s more shocked by this than Santana, herself. So, she confronts Finn outside the principal’s office to slap him again, only this time in the ass find out what sort of evil plan he has up his sleeve. Now, here’s where things got a bit messy in the Glee fandom . . .
Finn says a whole lot of pretty schmoopy stuff to Santana, about why he’s so intent on helping her more fully “de-closet herself.” He says SO MUCH schmoopy stuff in fact, that part of me kept waiting for the DRAMATIC BUT SAD violin to provide backup music for his speech.
Unfortunately, Violin is still in the closet, but only because no one has outed her yet. Finn?
He tells her she’s awesome . . . and that by hiding her Gay, she’s hiding some of her awesomeness, right along with it. It also makes her act like a bit of a tool. Finn also claims that he cares about Santana deeply, since her’s was the first bun to accept his hot dog . . .
Finally, he claims he doesn’t want her to kill herself, like the kid he recently read about in the news. But through all these sweet, if slightly patronizing, words, Finn fails to say the one thing Santana fans really want to hear: I’M SORRY I OUTED YOU, BEFORE YOU WERE READY TO COME OUT ON YOUR OWN.
DOH!
Because, the fact remains that the REAL reason Santana has to come out of the closet now is because Finn THREW her out of it, albeit inadvertently so. Therefore, whether Finn believes that Santana SHOULD come out of the closet, is really beside the point. By not apologizing to Santana for what he did, it could be argued that Finn feels justified in outing her, simply because the ends satisfy the means. If this wasn’t the writers’ intention, they probably should have shown a bit less Preachy McPreacherson, and a bit more remorse, from our male lead . . .
Going Girly . . .
The next step in Finn’s Let’s Blow Up Santana’s Closet plan is to have both the New Directions kids and the Troubletones sing what he terms “Lady Music,” i.e. songs by girls, about girls. Finn hopes that this will show Santana just how much support she has from her Glee social circle.
First up to sing are Kurt and Blaine, who launch into a slightly subdued version of Pink’s “Perfect.” It was a sweet rendition. Though, I must admit, I found myself a bit distracted during it by Kurt’s bizarre HALF sweater.
Awww, Santana! Kurt SACRIFICED A HIDEOUSLY UGLY SWEATER for YOU! Show some respect!
You can check out the entire performance of “Perfect” here:
Meanwhile . . .
Puck Gets Lucky . . .
Puck’s Lady Song is “I’m the Only One,” by Melissa Etheridge. Like many of Puck’s solos, this song is well-suited for the character’s gravelly sex voice, preference for guitar accompaniment, sheer love of repeated pelvis grinding, and overwhelming desire to dedicate whatever song he sings to his current love interest / conquest. Everytime I watch Puck do one of these songs, I worry that he might impregnate me through the television screen . . .
As many of you know, I’m a HUGE Puck fan. So, of course, I enjoyed this performance. I did have two complaints, however. (1) Puck’s shameless eyef*cking of Shelby came across as a bit creepy to me . . . I’m not quite sure why.
(2) At some point, during the past two weeks, Puck’s Mohawk seems to have morphed into a furry woodland creature, named Spanks.
Keeping a furry woodland creature on your head, during the act of eyesex constitutes animal cruelty, in my book . . .
Animal cruelty aside, Shelby calls Puck during school, when Baby Beth falls and cuts her lip open. Puck successfully takes charge of the situation. And, as a reward, wins SEX. HOORAY!
How convenient of Shelby to wait until Puck had already “helped her” in more ways than one, to decide, “this is immoral . . . We can’t do this.” On second thought, maybe what Shelby did was kind. After all, at least Puck won’t have to worry about these . . .
. . . unlike, say, somebodyelse we know at McKinley High who has to wear them ALL THE TIME . . .
Prior to this, Quinn had, more or less, offered Puck “sure thing sex.” But Puck, shockingly enough, turned her down because . . . well, because she’s been a wackadoo, baby stealing, ASSHAT, for pretty much, this entire season . . . THAT’S WHY. Actually, I believe his words were, “I’d rather raw dog a beehive.” Now, THAT’S something I’d like to see . . .
All that aside, since he’s a 29 year old teenager with Super Sex Stamina, who still has a few rounds left in him, after his one-time romp with Rachel’s bio mom (ICK!), after being rejected by Shelby, Quackers Quinn starts to look pretty darn tasty . . .
“Try no to be too alarmed, if I yell out the name “Shelby” during our Big Moment . . . um . . . it’s my dog’s name. Yeah, that’s it!”
Hate Sex is hot, isn’t it? Unless, of course, you lack a condom, and your sperm have already shown themselves to be expert swimmers . . .
“Not to worry,” says Quinn (more or less), “teen pregnancy is awesome. And I would know . . .”
Apparently, Quinn has given up the notion of stealing Beth from Shelby, because . . . wait for it . . . she’s decided to make another Baby.
Seriously? Someone get this girl a strait-jacket, PLEASE!
Fortunately, for Quinn (and us), Puck doesn’t want to play these baby-making games. He tells her how lost she’s become, since her first baby. And yet he knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she will safely escape the HELL that is Lima, and go on to do something great with her life like marry a billionaire and/or make a famous sex tape that earns her a reality TV show, and millions of dollars in endorsements. Clearly, this is precisely what Quinn needed to hear. And, for about two seconds, all seems good with the world.
So, why then, did Puck feel the need to poop on all that progress, by confessing his affair with Shelby to Quinn.
Personally, I think Spanks made him do it. DAMN YOU, SPANKS!
Elsewhere, in SueTown . . .
Everybody Loves Cooter . . .
“Why would someone assume I’m a friend of Ellen just because I’m mannish and highly aggressive and have short hair and I only wear track suits and I coach a girl’s sport and I married myself? It just doesn’t make sense.” Sue writes in her faithful diary, during one of the funniest bits of dialogue, in the entire episode . . .
Did you know Sue has a Black Booty Call book, that’s annotated with helpful reminders of certain celebrities’ prowess between the sheets? Personally, I’m hoping Fox decides to sell this one on Ebay. Surely, many of us fellow star-screwers can benefit from knowing that Dan Quayle is “too needy,” Matt Lauer is “a crier,” and Oliver North is “a biter.”
Of course, for the present, Sue only has one man in mind to help her combat gay rumors, and win the congressional election. And that man’s name start’s with a “C” and is a derogatory name for a woman’s body part. (NO! Not THAT name . . . the other one . . . Callalily. (Just kidding. It’s Cooter.)
“But wait!” You say. “Unacceptable! He belongs to the Beiste!”
Well, that’s what she thought too . . . until she was picking up her usual chickeny dinner (I thought Breadsticks delivered?) . . . and ran into the Old Coot on a date with a certain Congressional Candidate. Poor Beiste is devastated. And, what’s worse, Cooter admits that he’s dating Sue, because Beiste isn’t . . . um . . . curing his Man Pain. Yep, apparently someone on this show still hasn’t cashed in that shiny V card. Unfortunately, for Beiste, night time weightlifting sessions (NOT a euphemism for sex), do not equal a “romantic relationship,” as far as Cooter is concerned.
It looks like SOMEONE has just been punted into the dreaded Friend Zone. I smell a solo song number. Don’t you?
I hereby present to you “Jolene.”
Ultimately, Sue ends up losing the Congressional Election to Burt Hummel. But will she lose her Cooter to the Turducken loving Beiste, who has decided to battle for his love, one chicken breast at a time? Only the writers know for sure . . .
I’m Coming Out (I Want the World to Know)
Finn’s tribute to Santana is a slow, sultry, and oddly poignant version of Cyndi Lauper’s “Girls Just Want to Have Fun.” It came as a pleasant surprise for me, because I’m not usually a huge fan of Finn’s voice. I also always tend to prefer Glee songs that offer a unique take on an already popular song, as opposed to merely covering it, karaoke style. So, this really worked for me. Santana must have felt the same way, since her the iceberg around her heart melted enough by the end of the performance, to offer Finn both a hug and heartfelt thanks.
All together now . . . “Awwwww.”
You can catch the performance, in it’s entirety, here:
Outside by the lockers, some douchebag leers at Santana, and decides to make her his “personal challenge.” This prompts the rest of the Glee girls, to systematically rip him a new one, in a show of sisterly solidarity. Then, back to the Glee room they go, to perform YET ANOTHER Katy Perry song. This time it’s the titular “I Kissed the Girl.” And while none of the girls actually kiss during it, there is a whole lot of ass grabbing . . . You know, if you’re into that sort of thing . . .
We never get to see Santana actually come out to her parents, though we are told that they are “fine with it.” Wait . . . what? I thought that seeing Santana come out to her parents and make out with Brittany was supposed to be the WHOLE POINT OF THIS EPISODE?
Santana did come out to her grandma, though . . . That didn’t go so well . . . “I want you to know me . . . who I really am,” Santana says to this woman, who she’s loved dearly and admired her entire life.
So, of course that evil wench has to go, and squash her heart like a bug . . .
How dare Santana make her asshat grandma uncomfortable, by telling her what’s in her heart? She should have kept it a secret, and maintained the lie of their relationship . . . that would be MUCH better. It’s interesting (and sad) how Grandma seems more willing to accept that her daughter might be pregnant, while still in high school, than gay. Eventually, Grandma kicks a tearful Santana out of her house, and tells her never to return.
Then, as soon as Santana leaves, the Glee fandom knocks down the old lady’s door, and proceeds to beat the crap out of her homophobic ass. Good times! 🙂
Santana returns to school the next day, subdued, but determined to keep on fighting for her own happiness. She sings k.d. lang’s “Constant Craving,” while Puck and Shelby stare moodily at one another, and Crazy Quinn plots the teacher’s untimely death. Other than that awkwardness, the performance serves as a poignant finale to the journey Santana underwent, during the episode . . .
In other news . . .
When Stuffing a Ballot Box, Don’t Forget to Count the Ballots . . .
Sue wasn’t the only person to lose an election this week, Kurt lost one too . . . but for lack of cheating trying. It’s student election time at McKinley and Kurt is convinced that he is going to lose to Brittany, because, unlike her, he refuses to go topless on Tuesdays. (Can we get Blaine to go topless on Tuesday’s instead? Or Puck, for that matter?)
Convinced that an election loss will kill his chances of getting into NYATA college, Kurt contemplates stuffing the ballot box. But Rachel, Blaine and Finn convince him to “be good.” The ballots are secret, but, the benefit of this being a TV show is that we get to see who everyone votes for. Santana and Quinn show Cheerios spirit (and a little Lebanese Lady Love, respectively) by voting for their Britt . . .
. . . while most of the other Gleeks seem to support Kurt.
However, when Kurt ends up winning the election by 190 more votes than there are actually STUDENTS IN THE SCHOOL, Principal Figgins cries foul. This is the worst election scandal since Bush v. Gore! Kurt is called in for questioning, and threatened with suspension. There’s only one problem . . . he didn’t do it.
You know who did? Rachel . . . . you know, because she needs her Gay Best Friend for college nights on the town, and stuff. (Who doesn’t?)
Of course, Brittany ends up winning the election, fair and square. (HOORAY for Pixie Sticks and Public Nudity!) Kurt concedes graciously, telling Brittany to “rule awesomely,” even though he’s quite certain now that he won’t get into college now, and will be forced to spend the rest of his life in Lima, singing oldies songs for tips at the local Johnny Rockets . . .
And here’s the kicker . . . Rachel might not get into NYATA now either. Her election rigging is going on her permanent record. She’s suspended from school for a week, and . . . wait for it . . . she’s BANNED FROM COMPETING IN SECTIONALS!!
This is terrible. The New Directions are probably going to have to have that little leprechaun kid do all the solos now . . .
Next week on Glee, SHIRTLESS SAM is back, and . . .
Yeah, I missed everything else, after I saw that. It’s a girl thing. What can I tell you? Anywhoo, feel free to check out the trailer for next week’s Glee installment, entitled “Hold on to Sixteen” here:
So . . . tell me . . . what did you think of “I Kissed a Girl?” 😉
[Fashionably Late . . . Again? (I’m afraid this is becoming a habit.) The Recap for Gossip Girl’s “All the Pretty Sources” is well under way. Wondering when you can expect it? I’d say most probably before midnight (EST), tomorrow, Tuesday, November 22nd. My sincere apologies for my recent lack of timeliness. (Chuck got me very drunk last night . . . just like Dan.)]
Greetings Gleeks! This Very Special Episode of Glee was all about the unintended consequences of bullying. But lest you think the entire episode was a TOTAL downer . . . there was also a sizeable portion of it that was about Puck’s weiner.
Get it? A sizeable portion . . . because Puck’s wei . . . nevermind.
Let’s recap, shall we?
Pucker up, for the Puck-ster
It’s a weekday, which means Puck must be in love with a new woman. At least, this time, it’s not that annoying asshat, Lauren Zizes . . .
“What the f*&k was I thinking?”
As Puck and the show’s writers go to great lengths to remind us, he’s EIGHTEEN now. So, it’s TOTALLY OK for him to want to taste the forbidden fruit that is adopted mother-of-his child / substitute teacher / rival Glee club director, Shelby Corcoran . . . I smell a musical moment, don’t you?
Though not necessarily the best sounding cover song Glee has ever done, “Hot for Teacher,” was definitely good for a few laughs . . . with Puck gyrating to the rhythm of his old school guitar, and crooning / yelling in that sexy, scratchy voice of his. Meanwhile, Blaine and Mike Chang repeatedly grabbed their grotches, wiggled their hips, and awkwardly waved their hands behind him, in an odd little cross between the original Van Halen music video on which this was based, and . . . a rousing game of Simon Says?
Oh, and, of course, Finn was making his classic, “I’m on the drums” face, the whole time . . .
He didn’t participate in any of the dancing though . . . (Gee, I wonder why?)
Feel free to check out the original “Hot for Teacher” below, and compare the two for yourself . . .
Anywhoo, Puck attempts to win Shelby’s heart by giving her a baby pumpkin, instead of the usual “apple for the teacher” type deal. Have any of you out there ever actually eaten a baby pumpkin? Do they taste like regular pumpkins? I don’t know . . . They are more interesting than apples though . . . because, really, anybody can get you an apple. Baby pumpkins, on the other hand, are only available when they are in-season.
But I digress . . .
Puck proceeds to make his plea for Shelby’s love by (1) reminding Shelby how hot they both are . . .
Well . . . I agree with half of that statement. 😉
(2) listing all the May / December celebrity romances that have worked . . . like Ashton and Demi for example . . .
WHOOPS. Nevermind! It looks like the script for this show was written a few weeks too early. Indiana Jones and Ally McBeal ARE still together though, last time I checked. So, he got that one right . . . at least.
(3) And offering to be a REAL father to Baby Beth . . .
But perhaps the most controversial thing Puck did to win Shelby’s love was to out Quinn for all those awful things she did to get Baby Beth taken away from Shelby by Child Services.
Now, assuming Puck did this, because he thought Shelby had the right to know, and not just as a ploy to get into her thong (which is debatable), I’m all for it. However, something tells me that Quinn isn’t going to feel the same way as I do, when SHE inevitably finds out . . .
I’d say the sweetest part of this storyline was when Puck told Shelby that she was meant to be Beth’s mom, even going as far as to say that’s why Puck and Quinn got drunk and boned one another about a year a so ago, unprotected, and against their better judgment. Well, that’s ONE way of looking at it . . .
“Come on, let me stick it in, ya! It’s for a GOOD CAUSE!”
Things We Never Knew About Burt Hummel . . .
“I’m a better dancer than my son-in-law . . . though, admittedly, that’s not saying much.”
Did you know Burt Hummel has a baboon heart?
Did you know he married a donkey? Well, now you do! Thanks, Sue Sylvester!
I know . . . I know . . . neither are these things are true. But I honestly think Sue Sylvester’s so-called negative advertising campaigns against State Congressional hopeful, Burt Hummel, were some of the funniest moments of this episode. And while I’m 100% against bestiality and donkey / human marriages, I think there is entirely too much prejudice nowadays against people with animal parts . . . Just sayin’.
“Is this what having a stroke feels like?”
Brittany said the above line to compliment the mash-up / duet rival Glee club directors Will Schuester and Shelby Corcoran performed to two songs (both named “You and I”). The performance was meant to convince the two groups to get along with one another long enough to compete in one giant Mash Off, before they find themselves competing against one another, for real, during Sectionals. Nevermind the fact that, as was mentioned last season, neither musical group appears to have the minimum number of participants required for a team to enter into the competition.
Well, I was definitely twitching after the song was over. So, maybe Brittany was on to something there. While this was definitely not my favorite musical number of the episode, I did appreciate the creativity of combining a popular Lady Gaga song with an old 80’s country song that most Glee viewers (myself included) had probably never heard before. The lyrics of the two songs dovetailed surprisingly well with one another, and the resulting song sounded a lot better than you would think it would . . . but not much.
That didn’t stop me from twitching though . . . maybe it’s a Schuester thing. He bugs me sometimes, what can I say!
Sorry, Schue! It’s true!
Santana’s got balls (and she’s not afraid to throw them)
Upcoming Mash-off competition aside, it seems the New Directions and the Troubletones weren’t satisfied having only ONE opportunity to kick eachother’s asses. And so evolved the brilliant idea that the two groups should meet up in the gym, and pelt eachother with their balls . . .
The Mash-up of “Hit Me with Your Best Shot,” and “One Way or Another,” provided a perfect soundtrack for the surprisingly intense game. Plus, the action shots of Gleeks playing dodgeball made for some of the best choreography we’ve seen on the show, in quite some time. For example, did you guys know Blaine can fly?
Now, while Kurt might have SERIOUSLY enjoyed watching his boyfriend soar over his head, in those uber short and much-too-tight gym shorts, he definitely was NOT a fan of the Troubletones decision to mercilessly pelt Little New Guy Rory with dodgeballs, long AFTER they had already won the game. Kurt scolded his opponents for their bad form, as he dragged a bloody Rory off the battlefield, while throwing a SERIOUS “I’m judging you” face in his former friends’ direction.
Mommy Dearest (and not so Dearest)
I have to say, I respect Rachel Berry a whole lot more, now that I know she writes her own college recommendations, so that all her “recommenders” have to do is sign them. (For all you prospective college applicants out there, it really is the best way to go!) Of course, there is one other big thing that Rachel did during this hour to make me respect her. But, more on that later . . .
“While we are on the subject, MOM, I am also looking for a surrogate, to carry my baby in her belly for nine months, in exchange for $20,000. Would you be interested?”
Given the disappointing way in which Shelby’s Season 2 run-in with bio-daughter Rachel ended, it’s nice to see these two working toward forming a genuine relationship with one another, this Season . . . When Rachel comes to Shelby, to get her to sign a pre-written college application, the latter surprises her bio daughter with plenty of kind words, encouragement, and the type of pride only a real mother, can show for her daughter. She even offers to writer Rachel a college recommendation BY HERSELF. HOORAY!
But then Shelby inadvertently makes Rachel feel like crap, by telling her daughter that, because she’s so friggin perfect, less-than-perfect people who are applying to performing arts school against her (like say . . . Kurt), don’t have a shot in hell of getting in, and, will, therefore, probably end up flipping burgers for the rest of their lives. . .
Dear Kurt, Sorry I ruined your life. And yes, I would like fries with that. Love, Rachel.
Putting that aside though, it was a Genuinely Touching Moment . . .
If looks could kill . . .
On the other end of the parental unit relationship spectrum are Quinn and Shelby. Shelby never exactly seemed to be Quinn’s biggest fan, anyway. But now that she knows about the whole Baby-napping Scheme, she’s REALLY Anti-Quinn. Eventually, a confrontation ensues, in which Quinn calls Shelby out for “whoring out” Baby Berry, back when she was a teen (OUCH!).
And Shelby calls Quinn out for . . . um . . . well, basically, just being an incredibly sh*tty human being. (QUADRUPLE OUCH!)
Shelby also tells Quinn that she doesn’t trust her around Baby Beth, anymore. Sorry Quinn! Perhaps, you should have gone with a different tactic . . . like making out with Shelby, and giving her baby pumpkins . . . Better luck, next illegitimate child!
Topless Tuesdays and Other Campaign Promises . . .
It’s campaign speech time, at McKinley High. And just like in real government, all the candidates seem to be making promises they can’t keep. That weird, mullet-wearing, red headed guy from the hockey team says he promises that all students will be able to boss around their teachers from now on.
Brittany wants to protect high school students in Lima from tornadoes, and promises to go topless every Tuesday. Way to give back to your community, Brittany!
Rachel promises to withdraw from the race, and get everyone to vote for Kurt . . . Wait, WHAT? Rachel is going to give up an opportunity to be the best? I must have walked into someone’s alternate universe Kachel fanfiction!
In all seriousness though, I think Rachel took to heart Shelby’s words about how the Type A, overachiever, ALREADY has the resume to get into the college of her dreams, while Kurt does not. It was a super sweet, suprisingly un-Rachel like thing to do. And Kurt was just as shocked as the rest of us . . .
As for Kurt, his campaign speech is kind of a downer. I mean, fighting against childhood obesity, and bullying is great . . . but eliminating dodgeball? Seriously? Wouldn’t it be easier to just use softer balls, like Kurt’s those squishy ones that Nerf makes? My personal opinions aside, I loved Kurt’s speech, simply because Blaine’s “Supportive Face,” while he was making said speech was SUPER hot. And we wouldn’t have had the chance to see it, otherwise . . .
After the speeches, Kurt and Rachel FINALLY ended their seemingly interminable election-based fight. Not only was the reunion scene between the pair extremely touching, I’m just thrilled that these two characters will finally be able to regularly interact again. After all, Rachel’s and Kurt’s friendship is my favorite completely platonic relationship on this show . . . heck, it might actually be the only completely platonic relationship on this show . . .
Reunited and it feels SO GOOD!
Out and Not So Proud . . .
Oh, Santana. As a character, I adore you to pieces . . . most of the time. You are hilariously funny. You constantly make fun of Finn. You have a spectacular singing voice. And you are one of the most complex, and consistently written, characters on this show. But if I REALLY knew you, or, worse, attended high school with you, I’m pretty sure, I would hate your guts . . . and keep a voodoo doll of you in my locker, to stab at, whenever I was having a particularly bad day.
Throughout the episode, we watched Santana be mercilessly evil to Finn, and his new sidekick Rory.
It eventually got to the point where even her fellow Troubletones were begging her to stop. But she continued, with what was probably the meanest, most underhanded, apology ever. And that’s when Finn snapped, outing Santana as a lesbian in front of the whole school. Whether intentionally, or unintentionally done . . . whether provoked or unprovoked . . . whether he thought Santana’s sexual preference was a secret or common knowledge, what Finn did was VERY, VERY wrong. And it ended up producing some pretty serious consequences for Santana . . .
As it turns out, one of Burt’s and Sue’s congressional opponents has a daughter who attends McKinley High, and that daughter recorded Finn’s and Santana’s conversation. Ultimately, Santana’s secret ended up being used by this opponent in a negative campaign advertisement against Sue, in order to imply that the Cheerios coach was ALSO a lesbian. In a surprisingly poignant moment, the usually ascerbic Sue, Burt Hummel, and Will Schuester call Santana into Sue’s office to show her the advertisement, and offer her their support.
Santana, understandably, is inconsolate. “This can’t be happening to me,” she cries, as she makes a mad dash down the hallway “I haven’t even come out to my parents yet.”
The Mash Off Competition takes place before Santana really has time to heal, or process the many ways in which her life is about to change. The New Directions are up first, and SURPRISE, it’s another 80’s music mash-up. (Way to be HIP, Mr. Schue!) This one is a mixture of the songs “I Can’t Go For That,” and “You Make My Dreams.” It was a fun performance, for sure. But, for me at least, the best part about it, by far, were the ridiculous curly wigs, weird heavily shoulder padded suit jackets, and over abundance of pink all the guys wore during the musical number. Hysterical, with a capital H!
Oh, and did youu catch the befuddled facial expressions of all the females in the audience. PRICELESS! As for the women, they all vaguely resembled Pebbles Flintstone . . . though, I’m not exactly sure why . . .
See, for yourself . . .
But the winners of this competition, hands down, just like in the dodgeball competition that preceded it, were the Troubletones.
With Santana and Mercedes at the helm, the group’s mashup of Adele’s “Rumor Has It” and “Someone Like You,” was breathtakingly beautiful, and enchantingly mesmerizing, with just a smidgeon of slit-your-wrist, depressing.
Naya Rivera expertly portrayed, all of the angst, sadness, and inner turmoil of her character’s unfortunate outing, in every word she sang, and every expression that crossed her face.
Then, when the performance was over, and Santana leapt off the stage, to slap Finn extra hard, right across the mouth, for the inadvertent role he played in her embarrassment and discomfort, I had genuine tears in my eyes . . .
In the next installment of Glee, if the promos are any indication, Santana will come out to her parents, and the rest of the cast will get laid. Can I get a HELL YEAH! You can check out the promo for “I Kissed a Girl,” here . . .
So, tell me . . . what did you think of “Mash Off?”
Did you enjoy the Adele number as much as I did? Do you agree with me that the Troubletones kicked New Direction’s ASS this week, in every way possible? Are you shipping Shelby / Puck . . . or do they make you want to upchuck?
Are you pro or anti-dodgeball? And, most importantly, Team Santana, or Team Finn? Feel free to sound off in the comment section . . .
[A Note About the TVD Recap for “Homecoming”: It’s on its WAY! I’m just putting some additional pictures and gifs in there. It will most definitely be up by 6 p.m. EST. But it will likely be up WAY earlier than that . . . like, say, early afternoon. Thanks for your patience!]
RACHEL: “Any last minute sex tips?”
BLAINE: “Don’t forget to tell him how big it is.”
RACHEL: “But what if it isn’t big?”
BLAINE: “Don’t forget to lie, and tell him how big it is.”
This was it, my Fellow Gleeks . . . the one you’ve all been waiting for . . . the sexpisode. Going into the hour, it was no secret that Glee power couples, Finchel and Klaine, were both going to pop their collective cherries, by the episode’s end.
Here, at TV Recappers, we LUUUUUUUVE Cherry Popping! Cherry Popping is fun!
Given all we knew about the episode before it aired, one might have expected “The First Time” to be somewhat of a let down. Fortunately, the hour contained more than enough surprises, colorful musical numbers, and well-acted scenes to maintain the interest of even the most skeptical of fans . . .
Did I mention that Beiste got herself a boyfriend . . . or that Karofsky showed up, looking like one of the Village People?
So, enough with the teasing and foreplay. Let’s all get laid, shall we?
Artie Abrams – Sexpert?
“I know it looks like we are judging you but . . . yeah . . . we’re actually judging you.”
The episode begins with our favorite wheelchair user, basking in the “triumph” that comes from directing a school play. Artie, apparently, just LOVES bossing people around . . . not just in the context of the play, but in all aspects of their lives. In fact, an alternate title for this episode could have easily been :”Artie Knows Best” . . . or, perhaps, more accurately, “Artie Knows Sex.” Wouldn’t you agree?
Artie’s first targets for “self-improvement” are Rachel and Blaine. Upon hearing the pair sing their rendition of West Side Story, Artie decides that “something is missing” in their performance. What on Earth could it be! Oh, that’s right . . . they are NOT BONING . . . not eachother . . . and not anyone else either. Rachel and Blaine are totally and completely . . . BONE-LESS.
Dear Diary,
Apparently, my inability to get laid has made me a sub-par actress. I am sad.
Love,
The Virgin Rachel
Without a second thought toward sparing their feelings, Artie abruptly tells the plays two leads that they are lacking romantic chemistry on stage, because they are both virgins. Of course, Artie! Rachel’s and Blaine’s respective virginal statuses MUST be the reason they don’t look like they want to rip one another’s clothes off, onstage. Surely, it has absolutely NOTHING to do with the fact that each of the members of this faux-couple, actually . . .
I’m kidding, of course. There are plenty of gay actors, who can conceivably “play straight.” But I find it interesting that the characters’ respective virginal statuses were what Artie honed in on, as opposed to, an issue that would seem much more OBVIOUS.
Anywhoo . . . the minute Artie brings up the topic of sex, his co-directors, Beiste and Emma LITERALLY run screaming from the room. I hate to break it to you kids, but you just made your sex status WAY more obvious than you would have, had you just . . . oh . . . I don’t know . . . sat there quietly with your mouths shut.
“Oops.”
To their credit, fellow virgins Rachel and Blaine keep surprisingly cool, by comparison as Artie awkwardly describes in cringe-inducingly specific detail that one time he f*&ked Brittany,and she repeatedly called him by someone else’s name probably Santana’s. (Ah! Memories!)
Though both Rachel and Blaine initially tell Artie that they are waiting until the “right time” to cash in their Platinum V Cards, almost immediately after rehearsal, the two go off in search of their significant others, with SEX on the brain . . .
Having successfully accomplished the mission of ensuring that both Rachel / Finn’s and Blaine/Kurt’s first born will be named, “Artie,” the Little Screw-maker that Could then sets his sights on getting Coach Beiste laid as well . . . (More on that later.)
“This is what I like to call my ‘Come Hither Stare.'”
After that, Artie kind of drops off the radar, until the end of the episode, where he gives a fairly heartfelt speech on how directing the play, has made him feel special and self-sufficient for the first time ever. Awww . . . nice one, Artie . . . Give a speech like that, and you’ll be sure to get laid after the show too! 😉 (Or, you know, you could just be “self-sufficient” and . . . ummm . . . give yourself a hand? Hint, Hint, Wink, Wink)
Speaking of self-sufficiency . . .
Mike’s Dad – Douchebag?
“Hey Mike! I’ve decided to come back to high school, join the Glee club, and hit on your girlfriend. HOORAY!”
So, Mike’s dad is supposed to be some big fancy doctor, right? Is that why he spends so much time at McKinley High, hanging out by his son’s locker, like a total creeper? I mean, honestly, you would think a guy like that would have better things to do . . . like his wife! (Pun intended.)
That said, I cheered for Mike for not caving to his father, when the latter — upon learning that Mike refused to give up his dream to become a professional dancer — threatened to disown him, if he didn’t abandon all dancing dreams.
“Well, than I guess I don’t have a dad, anymore,” Mike said fiercely, as his dad stalked off.
Well, Mike might not have a dad, anymore. But he definitely has a mother. And she was absolutely blown away, by her son’s portrayal of Riff from West Side Story, while she sat and cheered him on from the audience. I was blown away too . . . but I actually kind of wish we got to see a bit more from that portrayal . . . like say, the epic death scene?
“But I’m too good of a dancer to die!”
In addition to having a supportive Mom, Mike also has a super sweet girlfriend, who positively LOVED giving him her virginity . . . But, more on that later too . . .
“Who’s got two hands and a fabulous sex life? THIS GIRL!”
Meanwhile, in Beisteland . . .
Coach Beiste – Closet Romantic?
Poor sweet, cherry un-popped Beiste! You know what’s funny? I was initially shocked to find out she was still a virgin. And then I remembered, that up until about a half a season ago, she had never even BEEN KISSED! So, I don’t know why I was surprised . . .
“Would you please stop licking my ear. I wanted a kiss, not an ear wax removal kit.”
Lack of experience aside, Beiste, definitely has a soft side. And, this week, that soft side was SERIOUSLY crushing on the OSU recruiter, who’d been hanging around McKinley High. When Screw-maker Artie hears about this, he vows to help his teacher and mentor nip this little cherry-popping problem in the bud, ASAP. (That Artie . . . he’s a busy little f*&ker, isn’t he?)
When Artie confronts the recruiter (who’s name is Cooter, which was probably the most controversial thing about this not-all-that-controversial episode), he gets some very shocking, but also oddly fortuitous, news. As it turns out, Cooter Recruiter wants a little Beiste in him, just as much as Beiste wants a Little Cooter in HER (OK, that just sounds wrong, on so many levels)! In fact, he’s been trying to ask her out for weeks! (Really, how long has Cooter been hanging out at McKinley? Doesn’t he have other schools to go to?) Unfortunately . . . wait for it . . . SHE keeps turning HIM down?!
I guess for a woman who has only been kissed (by SCHUESTER, of all people), and who is highly insecure about her appearance, the art of flirting subtlety is completely lost on her. Fortunately, Artie convinces Big Cooter (See? Never gets old.) to ask out the Beiste again . . . only this time, he tells the Old Coot to be REALLY, REALLY obvious about it . . . and show her what’s in his heart . . .
“Beiste . . . I give you my heart.”
First, Cooter finds Beiste in the weight room (where she is probably bench pressing HIS weight) and gives her flowers. It doesn’t get much more obvious than that, folks. But still Beiste is completely oblivious, wondering if the bouquet is for a funeral of some sort. OUCH! Yeah . . . if you don’t hurry up and grab your Cooter fast Beiste, there will be a funeral, all right . . . a funeral for the functionality of your lady parts :).
“Herein lies Coach Beiste’s ability to have children . . .”
Fortunately, for Beiste, Cooter then takes his cue from Artie, and asks Beiste out in the most blatantly obvious way possible . . . by actually using the word “date,” in the question . . . something pretty much no body does anymore. Way to keep it Old School, Cooter! Upon hearing this inquiry Beiste begins . . . CRYING?!
Huh?
At first, she’s crying out of sadness, because she thinks it’s a joke . . . which is just so super depressing. I can’t even talk about it, without getting weepy (well, not really, but . . . you know). It’s upsetting.
But then he tells her how beautiful and womanly he thinks she is, and those tears of sadness, turn into tears of joy, HOORAY! I honestly, thought it would be REALLY fitting if Beiste and her Cooter went on their first date to Breadsticks, especially considering how much she loves those Never-Ending Pasta Bowls. But, instead she went to . . . the school play . . . which is really super lame, when you think about it. But, it’s a start . . .
“Psst . . . this play sucks. What do you say we sneak out, go back to my place, and watch the food channel?”
Since we are on the subject of false starts . . .
Things Not to Say When You Are Trying to Get Laid Part 1 – “Let’s Get this Over With”
Someone’s got egg on her face!
So, I mentioned that Rachel wanted to get a little NC-17 action with Finn, prior to opening night, right? Fortunately, it just so happens that Finn’s ENTIRE family is supposed to be out of the house that evening. So, there will be absolutely no chance for awkward interruptions. Rachel pops over to Finn’s house. And, wanting the night to be perfect, he prepares her some choice meat for dinner. This would be great, except . . . well, Rachel’s a VEGAN.
So, much for good eats, Rachel and Finn head right down to the floor in the living room to get down to the business of humping. But then Finn has to f*&k everything up by asking Rachel WHY she wants to sleep with him now?!
DOH!
Finn . . . you are horny high school boy. When you get the green light, you GO. Don’t ask questions! Don’t hesitate! Just take of your pants, and DO IT! OR ELSE . . .
But I guess this was Finn’s week to be a good boy (He alternates from week to week, you know!), so he needed to know Rachel’s love was true, before he could . . . um . . . poke her with HIS love.
“I feel so violated and used.”
And, of course, this would have been fine, if Rachel didn’t feel the need to be ridiculously honest about her reason for having sex with Finn. “I just want to get this over with [before the show, tomorrow night].”
OH RACHEL! You might as well, have stuck a pin in his weiner . . .
You are an actress. Why couldn’t you just ACT like you had a better reason for doing this, than you actually did. Have you no brain heart?
Long story short, Finn’s and Rachel’s first foray at sex, ends with both of them striking out. Finn doesn’t want any part of Rachel’s cooter tonight, especially after what she said. Apparently, Rachel’s V-card is American Express V-card. It’s not accepted everywhere.
And so the two condoms Rachel and Finn each brought for the occasion, remain unwrapped, for at least, one more night . . .
A rubber is a terrible thing to waste . . .
The next day at school, a cowed Rachel, asks her gal pals their opinion on whether she should have sex with Finn. Santana and Brittany vote “no.” Because Brittany’s first time was apparently an alien invasion of some sort. And Santana thinks Finn is terrible in bed.
Is it just me? Or does this look like one of those KY jelly commercials?
The writers intercut this fairly humorous conversation with Santana and Rachel singing a duet to “A Boy Like That,” which, is more or less, Rachel’s way of saying, she hopes Finn was just bad in bed, because he was with Santana, and not because he lacks screwing skills . . .
“Gee Rachel, why don’t you tell me how you REALLY feel . . .”
Now, I know the song is a classic from West Side Story, but, honestly, I think it’s lyrics are a little mean. Because, seriously, if a guy broke your heart, and you were trying to warn your friend about him, would you really want to hear that friend say to you, “He won’t break MY heart, because he loves ME, and doesn’t love you.”
Talk about kicking a girl, while she’s down . . . Way to be insensitive, Maria from West Side Story . . .
But lest you think everyone on this show is all anti-sex, Tina, of all people, had a fabulous little story about how awesome sex with Mike Chang was because he is very flexible and has great abs she loves him so very much. In other words, Mike Chang is the PIMP DADDY of this show . . . second to “I don’t use condoms, and thought I would be the one to take Rachel’s virginity” Puck, of course . . .
Though neither Rachel nor Blaine end up cashing in their V-cards, prior to Opening Night of West Side Story, both decide this is OK, because they both know what love is, and can tap into THAT, while playing their respective rolls. This seems to work OK . . . I guess . . . at least judging by the musical numbers we got to see from the actual show.
Still, my favorite number of the entire episode was “America,” which, oddly enough featured the entire young Glee cast, EXCEPT Rachel and Blaine. Most notably, it featured Puck and Santana rocking some AWESOME Puerto Rican accents!
But back to Rachel and Finn . . . Rachel returns to Finn’s house after the play, to apologize for . . . you know, deflating his weiner, with her “let’s get it over with, so that Maria from West Side Story doesn’t have to be a virgin,” comment. However, as it turns out, Rachel’s remark isn’t all that’s making Finn feel crappy, he was also passed over by COOTER (awww man! That name strikes again) for a scholarship to OSU.
“Damn that COOTER!”
Now, Cooter may have been SUPER nice to Beiste, earlier on in the episode, but he DEFINITELY had his sensitivity chip on the off-switch, when he told Finn that his football career had peaked. OUCH! Finn thinks his dreams are dead, because he’s not a good enough football player or performer to get into the colleges of his choice. Rachel sweetly comforts him, telling him that his dreams are NOT dead, he just “grew out of them.” (Remind me to use that one on myself, the next time I fail at something . . . I didn’t fail. I just “grew out of” being successful. It has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?)
After promising Finn that she will help him find some new dreams, Rachel proceeds to make Finn’s dreams come true, by giving him a special gift that NO ONE ELSE is ever going to get. You guessed it. It’s time to chop up that V-card, for real this time.
“Who’s two left feet, and is currently having his brains banged out? THIS GUY!”
But this time, Rachel is doing it because she LOOOOOOOVES Finn, and his future new dreams . . .
Things Not to Say When You Are Trying to Get Laid Part 2 – “Hey! I’ve got an idea! How about I grope you in the backseat of this car?”
Blaine is be-bopping around Kurt’s room, while the latter wonders out loud, why they aren’t screwing yet. The pair joke adorably about the fact that Kurt wears too many layers of clothing for easy access . . .
Not to mention, too many ridiculous hats. . .
Later, Blaine heads back to Dalton to invite his old classmates to the play. Once there, he confirms that things haven’t changed all that much, since he was gone. The group still sing pop songs accapella style, while dancing around like Carlton from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air.
Their “Uptown Girl”number (complete with a token female teacher / sexy librarian type as the titular “uptown gir”l) proves as much. Though I must admit, seeing a Warblers number without Blaine as their lead singer is like watching a vampire show, without hot people in it . . . it just doesn’t make any sense . . .
By the way, I love how the fancy schmancy private school boys are singing a song about how “simple and poor” they are . . . It’s very cute.
That said, there has been one major change to the Glee club since Blaine left. His name is Sebastian . . . you know . . . like the lobster from The Little Mermaid.
Sebastian wastes no time, eye sexing up Blaine, and telling him that he is “sex on a stick, and sings like a dream” . . . despite having never heard him sing . . . ever. Blaine is clearly super flattered by all the hardcore flirting, and talks up Sebastian for way longer than he should, considering he has a boyfriend.
“The seaweed is always greener, in somebody else’s pants.”
The flirting continues at the local coffee shop, where Sebastian douchily (is that a verb?) brags to Blaine about how worldly he is, because he’s been to GAY PARIIII! But before the lobster can turn this into a discussion about French Kissing, Kurt swoops in to put a territorial arm around Blaine’s shoulder, and, more or less, tell this Creepy Crustacean, in no uncertain terms, “The Boy is Mine.”
Likely, because he wants to show Blaine how “spontaneous” he is, Kurt, shocks Blaine by accepting on both of their behalfs, Sebastian’s offer that the two meet him at a gay bar.
“You’ve just gotta love a man in a bolo tie . . .”
Armed with fake ideas, Designated Driver Kurt, and Secret Lush, Blaine, head to the bar called “Scandals.” After a single beer, Lightweight Blaine is totally wasted, and inappropriately grinding with Sebastian. Meanwhile a super pouty Kurt (so much for that skin sloughing regimen), is sitting by the bar, crying into his Shirley Temple.
“You better watch out for your boyfriend,” remarks a familiar voice. It’s Dave “the Bear Cub”Karofsky, of all people. Apparently, Dave is at a new school now. And though, he is decidedly still in the closet, there, at least here, he can feel right at home and accepted by the patrons of Scandals . . . even if it is Tranny Night . . .
Outside in the parking lot, a drunk and horny Blaine pulls Kurt into the back seat of the car, and starts aggressively humping him. Given that Blaine spent the whole night, rubbing up on Sebastian, Kurt is TOTALLY not cool with his first time taking place in the car lot of a gay club, accented by the intermingled smells of car air freshener, leather seats, Blaine’s one beer, and, of course, Red Lobster Sebastian’s overpowering cologne. So, he pushes Blaine off of him angrily, and does not mince words, in telling him how he feels about this failed act of seduction.
Embarrassed and annoyed, Blaine stalks home. But, after the show, the pair make up, confess their undying devotion to one another . . .
As far as sex scenes go, Kurt’s and Blaine’s and Finn’s and Rachel’s, which were edited together, and intermingled with Blaine’s and Rachel’s West Side Story number, “One Hand, One Heart,” were incredibly sweet, but also ridiculously tame. Almost NO skin was shown (Blaine and Kurt, were FULLY dressed in fact . . . and I bet you can guess which part of that statement really perturbs me!)
But hey, it’s Fox . . . not HBO . . . and not even the CW. So, what do you expect? And besides, it wasn’t really about the sex, was it? It was about the love . . .
I’m lying, of course it was about the SEX! 😉 It’s ALWAYS about sex. But I’m happy for our little couples, anyway . . .
And that was “The First Time,” in a nutshell. So, what did you think? Are you Finchel and Klaine fans, or are you already getting sick of the show’s emphasis on these two SHIPS? Do you see Sebastian as a genuine threat to the Klaine union? How about Karofsky? Did you like the West Side Story Numbers? Are you glad Beiste is FINALLY getting some? And, perhaps most importantly, are you as mad as I was that we didn’t get to see Darren Criss with his shirt off?
“In case you’re wondering, that’s Kurt’s underwear I’m wearing on my head . . .”
Feel free to sound off on some or all of these questions in the comments section below . . .
Oh, and check out the promo for next week’s episode, “Mash Up,” which, from the looks of it, features, not one, but TWO Adele songs (“Rumor has It” and “Someone Like You”) and a rollicking game of . . . dodgeball?
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