YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH! – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Breaking the Code”

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Caleb must have accidentally slipped a video from his personal porn collection into the “A” attachment . . .

The Truth hurts sometimes, My Pretties!  And for a group of characters, who have become rather accustomed to spending their lives tiptoeing from one lie to the next, sometimes the pain of facing real, honest-to-goodness, truth can be just about unbearable.  In “Breaking the Code,” all of our PLL girls were forced to confront some pretty ugly truths, both about themselves, and about the people they loved.  How they react to this knowledge will undoubtedly shape the events of these crucial upcoming weeks, as we get closer and closer to finally figuring out the identity of “A”!

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So head on over to your favorite abandoned law firm, drink some tequila shots with the hottest doctor in town, and plan a tea party with your mom and boyfriend, because it’s time for another Pretty Little Recap . . .

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“Did I catch you in the middle of a nap?”

That Mona!  For a girl who supposedly became Queen B, around the time Princess Ali kicked the bucket, she sure does get the short end of the Friend Stick, where Hanna is concerned.

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Between her endless “A” investigations, dramatic family issues, and regular interludes of sex on Spencer’s Nana’s couch with Caleb, it seems as though Hanna constantly has better things to do, than to go shopliftping with Mona.  This, of course, makes Mona’s receipt of text messages from “A” seem more than a bit convenient, don’t you think?

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Now, suddenly, Mona has something else to talk to Hanna about, aside from whether she should wear pure silk or a poly blend to some party.  And it’s a good thing too, because life sure seems to be distracting Hanna from the “important things,” lately.  “Did I catch you in the middle of a nap?”  Mona inquires, when Hanna isn’t giving Mona’s new clothing “purchases” the attention the latter feels they deserve.

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You know what DOES get Hanna’s attention though  . . . Mona’s admission that “A” has been feeding her intel about Hanna’s mom and Deputy Douchey, that’s what!  You know, like, for example pictures of the two of them making sweet, sweet love IN FRONT OF AN OPEN BEDROOM WINDOW  (Because that’s precisely the place you take all your secret lovers, right?) . . . and police reports about Hanna shoplifting that were expunged, after Mama Marin and Deputy Douchey made sweet, sweet love IN FRONT OF AN OPEN BEDROOM WINDOW.

“Are you looking at my bum?   You dirty bum-looker!” 

This is some pretty damaging stuff!  (Not as damaging as the fact that Mama Marin stole money a dead lady, mind you, but pretty damaging nonetheless.)  Now, suddenly, Hanna is very, very interested in what Mona has to say, indeed . . .

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Of course, this is PLL, not Gossip Girl.  So, when “A” shares information with you, it’s not just as an FYI.  Usually there’s a catch involved to knowing certain things, even if you weren’t interested in knowing them in the first place.  Now, “A” is threatening Mona to rat out Mama Marin, or SHE will be the one put under fire for her own pretty little shoplifting habit!

“Moi?”

What’s Mona going to do?  Sell out her bestie, in order to ensure her own safety?  It’s not really Hanna’s place to say.   But Mona’s confession does put her in a really awkward position with her friend . . . not to mention, make her feel EXTREMELY guilty.

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Fortunately for Hanna, Mona ends up being loyal, and turning herself in for shoplifting instead  . . .

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I don’t believe it either, Hanna.

. . . an act of valor which results in her getting to do some PLL-themed community service, like all the other characters in our story.

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(Poor Mona!  And she would have been such a good crisis center call responder too . . . such sensitivity to those less fortunate than herself!)

It also earns Mona a spot at the PLL girl’s lunch table . . . an honor she’s been denied, multiple times in the past.  The invitation in question, comes after Mona gets yet another threat from “A,” this time on an apple, of all things.

If I were “A”, I would have probably just written “bite me.”  But I guess this works too . . .  

Hmmm . . . on one hand, I’m happy to see Mona finally getting treated right by Hanna, and accepted into the fold, by the other girls.  She really has come a long way from that girl who ripped up, poured soda on, and tossed out, Caleb’s first declaration of love for Hanna.

And yet, if Mona DID end up being “A,” wouldn’t her sudden receipt of text messages, and act of valor involving Hanna be the PERFECT ALIBI, not to mention a great way to get in close with her victims, and mine them for additional information.  (“Keep your friends close . . . and all that.)

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I hope I’m wrong.  But it’s all starting to look mighty suspicious to me.  Speaking of suspicious . . .

“I’m The MONEY!”

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I just love when Spencer goes into Law and Order mode!  Her tough-girl rendition of, “I’m the money,” when that creepy Jonah dude met with her and Aria to give them tracer information on the cell phone from whom Ali was getting calls, nearly had me in hysterics.  Too bad they spent $2,000 of Jason’s money, and only got themselves one stinky address.  (I could of told them, the call was from a prepaid cell phone!)

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Though the girls initially plan to seek out the address in question immediately, they can’t because Police Boy Garrett is watching them .  . . Correction:  he’s ALWAYS watching them!  And we wonder why so many bad things happen in Rosewood to the teenage population!  It couldn’t possibly have anything to do with the fact that all the cops in town are too busy stalking their underage ex girlfriend’s enemies, or diddling the parents of crime suspects, now could it?

Eventually though, the girls manage to give Police Boy the slip long enough to stake out the address.  And it ends up belonging to an old abandoned law firm, and the CREEPIEST LOOKING OLD GUY EVER!  Seriously, I’m talking Freddy Krueger levels of frightening.

“That’s not A!”  Captain Obvious Emily remarks, as the pair dash away from this oldster, and escape the abandoned, but not entirely forgotten, premises.

But wouldn’t it be hilarious, if that was “A”.  Just the idea of this guy sending Mean Girl text messages to Emily, and scrawling threatening letters to Mona on an apple is enough to make me giggle . . .

As much as Jonah’s Ice Cold Tip might have seemed like a red herring at first, the law firm in question actually ends up being linked to not one, but two, characters on the show .  . . one of whom is pretty close to the top of the “A” suspect list.  For starters, it’s the law firm that represented Mama Marin in her divorce from Papa Marin.

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 Second, it’s where MELISSA HASTINGS interned, back when she was a student.

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But the bigger question for me is, why the hell did the firm shut down, in the first place?  Most law firms don’t just close up shop over night, and sell their real estate to creepy, Freddy Krueger-looking old guys.  Something pretty bad must have gone down at that firm, in order for this to occur . . . just sayin . . .

“The first time I saw you, I just thought, ‘Damn!'”

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Ahhh, now for my absolute FAVORITE part of this episode.  While continuing to decode A’s cell phone, Caleb unearths another piece of the same video taken from Ali’s room, that we’ve been viewing part and parcel, for weeks now.  Up until this point, we’ve always assumed that the NAT club was sent scattering from the room, because Ali herself was returning there.  But, as it turns out, the person from whom the NAT club was running wasn’t Ali at all .  . . it was . . .  wait for it . . . a TOTALLY PSYCHO-looking Melissa.  Seriously, girlfriend looked full scale Crazy Nanny Carrie in those video shots!

(I know I keep using them, but I just love these pll-ichats.  They are hilarious!)

No wonder the PLL girls were screaming so loud!  Crazy Face Melissa could give Freddy Krueger looking old guy a real run for his money, in the evil entrances department.  The rest of the girls, of course, want to turn the video over to the police right away . . .Now, this seems a bit moronic, if you ask me.  After all, how many times are these girls going to give up the goods to the police department, before they realize that the Rosewood PD is (a) completely useless, (b) always ends up using the information against the girls, and (c) is probably working for “A.”

Aside from that, stomping into someone’s bedroom angrily, far from makes you a killer.  Then again, she does look pretty f*&king crazy in that picture.  Anyone could see that . . . well, except for maybe Blind Jenna.

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Inappropriate?

Not wanting to turn in her pregnant sister to the cops, so soon after (1) her husband died / killed himself / was murdered; (2) she got into a car accident and almost lost the baby; and (3) she just found out that her parents have an illegitimate child she used to enjoy making out with, Spencer begs the rest of the girls for another 24 hours, to talk to Melissa, and get HER side of the story, before they turn her in.

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Here’s the thing about Melissa.  I kind of think her being “A” is too obvious, especially since she was painted pretty firmly in the suspect corner this week.  And, remember, we still have at least two episodes left in the season, before we learn A’s true identity.  What I do think about Melissa though, is that she might have been the one Ali was blackmailing with information about Jason’s paternity.  There was just something about the way Melissa acted early on in the episode when that information was revealed, just didn’t strike me as that genuine.

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The blackmail option would also explain Melissa’s angry presence in Ali’s room, on the night she died . . .

As for Spencer, the possible guilt of her sister isn’t the only harsh truth she has to face, in this week’s episode.   She also learns that Aria’s been lying to her about not seeing Fitzy, when, in actuality,  the two were sucking face on a weekly basis, the whole time Spencer was whining to her about the loss of Toby.

Then, to make matters worse, when Spencer goes to meet Melissa at a local bar, to discuss her appearance on the tape (Yes, because a bar is an absolutely GREAT place for an underage girl and a pregnant woman to meet!) . . .

. . . Melissa BLATANTLY ditches her for Police Boy Garrett, of all people.  Worse yet, Spencer WATCHES her do it, and lie about it, from the window of the bar!

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(Rumor has it, these two have been spending A LOT of time together.  It was even implied, during the episode, that Melissa’s current spawn, might actually belong to the Policeboy.  Crazy Eyes sure does get around, doesn’t she?)

Just kidding . . . please don’t kill me.

Is it any wonder that, by the end of the night, an emotionally exhausted Spencer is ready to get totally snockered on tequila with Dr. McSexypants himself, Wren?

I know I’d do it, if I were her!  After engaging in some innocent bar flirting, Wren ends up taking Spencer back to his place, where she drinks even more, and starts drunkenly seducing the older man, like it’s her job!

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“The first time I saw you, I thought, DAMNNNNN,” coos Spencer in Wren’s ear, as she shimmy shakes around him like a dancer in a burlesque show.

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(That’s funny.  This is exactly how I reacted, the first time Wren was on MY TV screen.  Go figure!)

It’s rather impressive, actually.   Then the pair share a pretty adorable conversation about which one of them is more screwed up / comes from a more screwed up family.  (Hint: Wren don’t even bother, Spencer’s got it in the bag!)  During the conversation, Spencer admits to being a competitive perfectionist (duh!), even when it comes to yoga.  As for Wren, apparently he’s so OCD about organizing his books alphabetically, that when Spencer teasted him about having an Aristotle book out of place (What kind of twenty-something actually owns a book by Aristotle?  Oh Wren, it’s a good thing you’re so hot!), he actually stopped macking with Spencer to stare at his bookshelf.  Silly boy!

Skewed priorities aside, the chemistry between Wren and Seduction Mode Spencer (it’s always the straight-laced ones that end up being the craziest drunks) was white hot!  And what was even white hotter, was the fact that Wren, despite clearly be tempted, ultimately played the part of a gentleman, by not taking advantage of Spencer, in her vulnerable situation.

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He did, however, let her sleep on his couch, and offer her an invitation to return, whenever she likes.  They tongue kissed to seal the deal, of course.

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Wren might not want to take advantage of Spencer.  But something tells me Spencer will be taking advantage of that body of Wren’s very, VERY soon.  Can you blame her?

In other news, Melissa finally decided to show up and talk to Spencer.  But she insisted on taking her to a remote place to do it, and just seemed really squirrely throughout the entire conversation.  What’s worse, the usually smart Spencer, decided to go off with Crazy Eyes, herself, WITHOUT TAKING HER CELL PHONE.

Clearly, all those hot Wren kisses, must have gone to her head . . .

Speaking of face sucking . . .

When the going gets tough, (the tough eat your face) . . .

Maya may actually have made good on her threat to run off to San Francisco, rather than return to True North to conquer her “doobie problem.”

All Emily knows is that she hasn’t been returning any of her calls.  But as is usually the case with Emily, the very minute she seems like she might be single again, a buzzer goes off in the heads of every lesbian in Rosewood.  And suddenly, they are all in hot pursuit.

“Ooh . . . ooh . . . pick me . . . pick me . . . my turn!”

This time, Emily’s aggressor is Paige, a.k.a. as Little Orphan Butchie, (though now that she has a better haircut, the title is admittedly no longer appropriate).

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When we first see Paige, she’s all zen and thrilled about having finally come out to her parents.  And it’s not long, before she’s making flirty and suggestive comments to Emily, about the possibility of a rehash of their earlier, tumultuous relationship.

*clears throat*

Paige may be more out and proud than she was when we first met her, but when it comes to reading relationship cues, she still has a heck of a lot to learn.  Case in point, when a crying Emily admits to Paige that Maya and her had a fight, after which the former went missing, Paige decides this is a great opportunity to RAPE EMILY’S FACE.  Oops.

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Emily literally runs away, horrified.

And as much as I was never Paige’s biggest fan, I can’t help but feel bad for her and her utter cluelessness.  Then again, she did try to DROWN Emily, once before, which undermines my sympathy for the character, just a smidge  . . .

At the end of the episode, the police come to Emily’s doorstep to talk about Maya.

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Golly gee, I hope she didn’t burn down that law office, while sparking a big ole’ doobie . . . Seriously, though, I hopes she’s OK . . . unless she ends up being “A,” in which case, GOOD RIDDENS . . .

Speaking of good riddens .  . .

It’s an Ezria Tea Party! (a.k.a.  Now A’s messing with the Moms!)

Ladies, what the heck was the deal with Fitzy, this week?

And why was Aria wearing that bizarre early 90’s ensemble?  She looked like an extra from Saved by the Bell . . .  Was it just me, or was he SUPER CALLOUS in that car scene,  with Aria, in which he contemplated dumping her, and running off to New Orleans, for his new boyfriend Byron?

Yes . . . Fitzy . . . you were a dick . . . yes, you were.

On one hand, this isn’t the first time, Fitzy has been scared away by Aria’s parents, and frightened into giving up on the couple’s May/December romance.  But the way he treated her, while he was doing it, just seemed uncharacteristically cold to me . . . particularly when he left her alone crying in the car, and then proceeded to WATCH HER CRY, STONEFACED, from his car, for about five minutes, before driving away.

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It was just an odd scene, all around, in my opinion.  Though on a positive note, Lucy Hale definitely does give good cry.  I’m not ashamed to admit, I got a little teary .  . .

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Make that A LOT teary . . .

Speaking of odd, Aria’s mom is suddenly all up in A’s grill, because of that note Papa Montgomery got last week, cluing him in to the location of Aria’s ultimately canceled date with Fitzy.  Now, she’s decided to find out, for herself, who A is.  That can only lead to BAD THINGS, me thinks . . .

*insert hissing noise here*

But the hunt for A isn’t the only aspect of Aria’s life that Mama Montgomery has started to dip into.  She’s also decided to reevaluate her stance on the whole Ezria issue, after receiving a tearful tongue lashing from Aria regarding Papa Montgomery’s plans to ship Fitzy down to the bayou (probably in hopes that he would be eaten by alligators).  Honestly, ladies, it doesn’t get much more awkward than your mother plopping down on the couch at your boyfriend’s couch, and staring at you, while you all pretend to drink tea.

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That said, I do give Mommy Dearest some props for her willingness to hear her daughter out . . .

Speaking of self-sacrificing mom’s, Mama Montgomery might not be the only PLL Mommy hot on A’s trail.  When Mama Marin finds the police report A threatened Mona with, her first thought is that Deputy Douchey sent it, in hopes of forcing Mama Marin to have more sex with him.  But when she confronts the latter with the offending document, he seems just as freaked out by it, as she is!  And with good reason!  Last I checked, accepting sexual favors in return for sentencing clemency, was generally frowned upon, in law enforcement . . . no matter how good one might look, dressed in nothing but a towel . . .

In the final moments of the episode, we see “A” using the gun she stole from Spencer Hasting’s desk to do some pretty on-point target practice.

Be afraid, PLL girls.   Be very afraid!

And that was “Breaking the Code” in a nutshell, my Pretties.  Next week on PLL, we get a father/daughter dance, a missing persons poster, Toby on a motor cycle, and Spencer’s dad repeatedly saying things, like “pump up the jam.”  (Hey Mr. Hastings, 1992 called.  It wants that phrase back.)  You can check out the promo for the episode, here . . .

Until next time, my Pretties!

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Judge Not, Lest GLEE be Judged! – A Recap of Glee’s “The Funeral”

WILL:  “Just so you know, I’m not wearing any pants under here . . .”

Nothing says “glee-ful,” like a funeral, right?  This week, Fox’s most peppy prime time program, took a turn for the teary, when it focused on the untimely death of the most beloved relative of McKinley High’s LEAST beloved coach . . .

Oops!  I don’t think she liked that remark.

And yet, the episode wasn’t an ENTIRE cryfest.  We also got to experience, a few tour de force musical numbers, a sentimental tribute to Will Schuester’s impressive sweater vest collection . . .

Hopefully, now that he’s given all of his clothing away, we’ll get to see more of THIS Mr. Schue . . .

 . . . and, perhaps, most importantly, we got to watch Jesse St. James metaphorically make breakfast on the heads of all the Glee club members that AREN’T Rachel Berry . . .

“I already got MINE, guys!  Now it’s your turn!”

So, wipe that egg off your face, and keep some Kleenex on hand for a good cry, because it’s time for your weekly Gleecap!

New Directions, New Villains and Zombies Who Like to Poop . . .

Any guesses as to how many innocent bottles of hairstyling gel were harmed in the making of this photo still?

It’s almost time for Nationals, Gleeks!  And you know what that means!  It’s time for the Glee kids to fight with one another over who gets a solo!  (YAY!) 

For reasons that completely defy the imagination, Will decides to use his perpetually miniscule budget to hire a “show choir consultant” to help New Directions succeed in its upcoming competition.  And who better for the job, then the college dropout, who broke Rachel’s heart, and completely screwed over the club last year, by pretending to be one of its members, and ditching them at the very last minute, to sing for the enemy?

How could you not trust THIS face?

That’s right, boys and girls!  It’s Jesse St. Jack Ass, reporting for duty!  And if he wasn’t so friggin hot, I’m sure I’d have lots more bad stuff to say about him . . .

Jesse informs Will and Will mindlessly agrees, because he apparently packed his brain and soul in the same box as his sweater vests that the ONLY way for New Directions to win Nationals, is if they focus their entire performance around the club’s “best” singer.  In Jesse’s defense, this DOES seem to be the strategy most commonly employed by McKinley High’s most formidable opponents.  Take, for example, Vocal Adrenaline . . .

. . . and, of course, who could forget, The Warblers . . .

Of course, Finn, the humble soul that he is, suggests that he and Rachel lead the club in a duet.  At which point Quinn (who would rather give birth to another illegitamate child, than see Rachel and her boyfriend eye f*&king eachother on stage) “kindly” reminds her “honey” that this was precisely the strategy that lost New Directions the Regional competition to Vocal Adrenaline last year.

“Don’t make me go all Lucy Caboosey on your ass!”

Adding insult to injury is St. Jackass, who tells Finn that the latter is not particularly talented at singing OR dancing.  Oh, also, according to Jesse, when Finn performs, he looks like a “zombie who likes to poop.”  This, of course, begs the question of what, exactly, a “Pooping Zombie” looks like . . .  I’m going to guess that it looks something like this . . .

 

 . . . combined with THIS .  . .

 . . . and mixed with a little of THIS . . .

(Mean or not . . . you’ve got to admit, the Jackass has a point) . . .

So, Will decides to hold “auditions” for his Glee kids to determine which of them gets to be the New Directions’ equivalent of Blaine Warbler . . .

So . . . pretty . . . cannot . . . look . . . away.

Try a Lack of Tenderness . . .

“The competition is ON, like Donkey Kong!”

Under normal circumstances, I suspect that the ENTIRE Glee club would have auditioned for the solo role at Nationals.  However, since Finn was busy perfecting his Defecating Dead Guy Face . . .

 . . . and since half of the episode was spent on Sue’s storyline the rest of the cast was . . . ummmm . . . washing their hair that day, the only ones who actually auditioned for the spot were Rachel (SURPRISE!), Kurt (SHOCKER!), Santana, and Mercedes . . .

  First up was Santana, who sang Amy Winehouse’s “Back to Black.”

Her performance was pretty darn awesome.  And the fact that she did it stone cold SOBER unlike the REAL Amy Winehouse was majorly impressive.  She was also wearing an adorable outfit during her performance, which certainly doesn’t hurt (See above – I WANT THIS!).  Though, I must say, given Santana’s usual “take no prisoners” personality, I was a bit disappointed that when singing the line, “He kept his _______ wet,” she replaced the word “dick” with the, significantly less naughty (and, therefore, much less fun), “lips.”

“What exactly do you have against ‘dicks’, Santana?” 😉

You can check out Santana’s entire performance, by clicking the internal link below . . .

Though Will thought this performance was “fabulous,” Jesse was underwhelmed, claiming that Santana missed the “emotion of the song.”  Personally, I think Jesse was just offended by the lack of “dick” in the number.  Think I’m exaggerating?  Then explain this to me:  Why did Jesse draw a picture of a puss . . . er . . . I mean . . . a cat, in his notepad, while Santana was singing? 

What’s new, Pussy Cat? 

Let that be a lesson to you, Santana:  Censorship is BAD!

Next up was Kurt.  He sang “Some People” from the Broadway Play Gypsy.  And it was. . . well . . . very . . . KURT-y.  That’s probably the best way to describe it . . .

I think part of the problem with the performance for me, was that my mind kept wandering during it.  I kept getting distracted by those bizarre skull and crossbone flare pants Kurt wore on stage, coupled with hisweird “tied in the back like a paint smock” vest.  Seriously, who DRESSES this kid?  Edward Scissorhands?

One thing that can be said for Kurt though, he is VERY FLEXIBLE!  Check out this move he managed to do, at the end of the musical number . . .

Blaine APPROVES!

But you know who DOESN’T approve of Kurt?  Jesse!  He wonders if Kurt is aware that “Some People” is a “Girl Song.”  “I make my living singing “Girl Songs” Kurt explains.  Point well taken, Kurt.  But that still doesn’t explain those ridiculous pants . . .

You can check out Kurt’s performance by clicking on the link below:

Third up was Mercedes.  She sang Otis Redding’s “Try a Little Tenderness,” which, if you are an afficionado of cheesy 80’s movies like me, you will remember as the song Jon Cryer’s Duckie absolutely KILLED (in a good way), during the film, Pretty in Pink . . .

If Santana’s and Kurt’s performances were good, Mercedes was AMAZING!  (Though, admittedly, her dancing abilities are nowhere near up to par with those of the Duckster!)  Even Jesse St. Jackass let out a “WOW,” when Mercedes belted out the song’s extremely challenging refrain.

This one is going on my ipod, FOR SURE!  You can check the performance out, for yourself, below . . .

And yet, despite being obviously impressed by Mercedes vocal range, Saint Jackass still had little nice to say about McKinley High’s most unapologetic diva.  He even went as far as to call the poor girl, of all things . . . LAZY!

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After Mercedes kindly offered to allow Jesse to “taste her fist,” Rachel took the stage with, you guessed it, her 85,000th Barbra Streisand song.

Now, I know . . . “Babs” is supposed to be Rachel’s “idol” and all . . . but COME ON!  Enough is enough!  There ARE other singers on this planet besides Barbra, that sing ballads, you know!

Anyway, Rachel sang a song called “My Man.”  Believe it or not, I had actually never heard the song, before the episode aired.  And I don’t particularly want to hear it again. 

Performance-wise, Rachel, as usual, did a fine job . . . well . . . except for two things: (1) she kept picturing Finn throughout the number, which was . . . nauseating annoying, to say the least; and (2) she made these weird, sort of constipated, facial expressions throughout the number.  Perhaps, Rachel’s Great Love for Finn is starting to make her emote like he does . . .

If you are a Rachel fan, and/or a Barbra Streisand fan, you will definitely want to check out the link below . .  .

You know who’s a HUGE Rachel fan?  Jesse St. Jackass!

OK . . . so, he might not have been such a big fan, back then.  But he’s definitely one now!  And because he really wants to touch Rachel’s Berries admires her work, St. Jackass has absolutely nothing bad at all to say about his ex girlfriend’s performance.  In fact, he thinks the Glee club’s Nationals’ performance should revolve around her . . . again.

Despite Jesse’s endorsement, however, Will ultimately decides that, rather than award ANY ONE GLEE KID a solo, the ENTIRE Glee club will sing original songs TOGETHER at Nationals . . . thereby making this entire audition process a whole load of poo.

“Haha!  Jokes on YOU, Gleeks!”

The audition process wasn’t a TOTAL loss, however.  It DID help Saint Jackass move one step closer to popping Rachel Berry’s cherries!

“Stop staring at my boobs, ya perv!”

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In other news . . .

A Farewell to Arms Sweater Vests

“Will Schuester, this is your ‘What Not to Wear’ Fasion Intervention.”

So, remember a few weeks back, when April invited Will to be in her lame ass Broadway show with her?  Well, it turns out he’s going!  In doing so, he’s leaving EVERYONE and EVERYTHING behind him, including the Glee kids, Emma, and those HIDEOUS sweater vests.  Of course, Will hasn’t told his students this yet, because we need some sort of cliffhanger in the season finale he doesn’t want to distract them from winning Nationals. 

While at Will’s house helping him pack, Emma tells Will that she remembers the sweater vest he wore when they first met.  I can’t decide whether I think that is really sweet, or incredibly disturbing.  So, the next day, Emma shows up at school WEARING THAT VEST . .  .

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(OK .  . . I’ve made my decision, now . . . I’m going to go with “incredibly disturbing.”  Thank you very much.)

Hmmm . . . let’s see, what else happened this week? . . . Oh yeah . . . the funeral.

Pure Imagination

It started like any other episode, with Sue and Terri trying to foil the Glee club’s plans to fly to New York, by rerouting their plane to Libya.  (Libya?  Really?)  But then we learned that Sue had kicked Becky off of the Cheerios.  And things got pretty maudlin, pretty fast . . .

When Will finds out about this, he confronts Sue about her incredible lack of sensitivity.  Sue surprises Will by explaining that she kicked Becky off the Cheerios, because Becky reminds her too much of her older sister, Jean, who died of pneumonia in her sleep the night before.  As is often the case in these type of situations, Sue blames herself for not being there for Jean, during her final moments.

Will informs the Glee kids of Sue’s loss.  And, despite their extremely contentious relationship with the cheerleading coach, the kids arrive at her office, flowers and stuffed animals in hand, to pay their respects . . .

Finn and Kurt, both of whom know personally what it is like to lose a close family member, are particularly sympathetic to Sue, when she explains that she is too emotionally overwrought to sort through Jean’s personal items at the nursing home, or plan her funeral.  So, the pair (who have already planned a FABULOUS wedding for their parents – remember?) commandeer the Glee club to help out an Enemy in Need. 

Upon learning that Jean loved the film Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, the Glee kids decorate the funeral home, with the film in mind, adorning Jean’s coffin with extra large lollipops, gumdrops, candycanes, and, of course, Everlasting Gobstoppers. 

Now, no offense to Jean (may she rest in peace), but, am I the only one who finds the Willy Wonka movie POSITIVELY TERRIFYING?  I mean, think about it, this is a story about kids that, as a result of some pretty minor infractions, turned blue and obese, drowned in chocolate, got shrunk to ant size, were attacked by squirrels, and got dropped down loooong trash chutes. 

Just sayin’

Poorly-selected theme aside, the funeral was a truly beautiful one.  It featured, among other things, Sue’s heart-tugging speech about her sister (which Will kindly read for the typically-stone cold educator, when she became too choked up to continue), uplifting videos of the deceased, during happier times . . .

. . . and the Glee kids tear-jerking performance of the song “Pure Imagination,” which was featured in the original film. 

Oddly enough, the event inspired Finn to break up with Quinn, in the parking lot outside the funeral home.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not a Quinn fan, at all!  And I never particularly cared for Finn and Quinn as a couple.  But SERIOUSLY?  Talk about BAD TIMING!  I mean, how insensitive can you get?

“Are you friggin kidding me, Poopy Zombie?”

Of course, any sympathy I may have had for Quinn was lost, the moment she told Finn that she didn’t mind if he continued to have feelings for Rachel, provided he dated Quinn through next year, so that the pair had another shot of winning Prom King and Queen.

Obviously, a girl who makes THIS kind of request of the boyfriend, who is clearly trying to dump her for SOMEONE ELSE, is either extremely shallow, or has pitifully low self esteem.  (Maybe a little bit of both?)  That being said, Quinn’s emotional exit from the car following the Big Dump, illustrated that the Wanna-Be Prom Queen’s feelings for Finn may, in fact, be deeper than she would like the casual onlooker to believe . . . 

Oh, and she also threatened to do something naughty to Finn at Nationals.  Hmmm . . . I wonder what she’s planning . . .

Hide your bunnies and your balls, Finn!

The question is: now, that Finn has FINALLY made up his mind until he inevitably changes it again, can he win back Rachel, before she falls headfirst into the ass of Jesse St. Jackass?  Do we really care? 

Only time will tell . . .

In other potential Character Redemption News, by way of saying “Thanks for the funeral,”  Sue has decided that she no longer wants to send the Glee kids to their certain deaths in Libya.  (PROGRESS!) She’d much rather . . . run for a seat in the House of Representatives?

You’ve really gotta love a Random Plot Point, like this one!

Oh, and she let Becky back into the Cheerios, even going as far as to offer the loveable teen the position of Captain, for the following year. 

When the tightly-knit pair hugged one another, toward the end of the episode, I must admit, I got a little misty-eyed .  . .

Did I mention that Will’s ridiculously annoying ex Terri (she of the fake pregnancies, and such) is moving to Miami to become manager of the Bed, Bath and Beyond Sheetz n’ Things store, down there? 

Sayonara Sucka!

Or that this SAME woman randomly decided to get the ENTIRE GLEE CLUB first class tickets to New York for Nationals?  (The “Sheetz” in Lima must pay REALLY WELL!)  Yeah . . . I thought it was totally random too. 

But, instead of talking about side characters, who I DON’T care about very much, let’s talk about ones that I actually LIKE . . . who were totally missing from this episode . . .

Where’s the Beiste?

And the Sunshine?

And why the F*&K didn’t PUCK have any lines or shirtless scenes this week?

Next week, is Glee season finale!  (Can you believe this show has been on  for two full seasons already?) In honor of the Big Event, the entire cast will be heading to New York City for the National competition! 

You can check out the promo for this Sure-to-Be-Epic episode HERE:

So, my fellow Gleeks, the time has come for you to make your predictions:  Will New Directions  beat out Sunshine Corazon and her Vocal Adrenaline teammates, this year?  Or are they destined for yet another crushing defeat?  You’ll have to tune in next week, in order to find out.  See ya then!

[www.juliekushner.com]

Four Funerals and a Naked Cuddle? – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Sun Also Rises”

“Oh NO!  Don’t cry!  Please don’t cry!  Let’s try to focus on the Happy Things, like the fact that Michael Trevino spent this entire episode naked . . .”

“I have the most awesome nipples on the planet.”

*Takes Deep Breath*  Hey, Fangbangers!  How are you doing?  Are you holding up, OK?  As you well know, this was probably one of the most intense, and heart-wrenching, episodes of TVD history.  And no one will hold it against you, if, while you watched it, you engaged in a little Soulful Crying . . .

You may have ventured over into the territory of the Ugly Cry Face . . .

And that’s ALL RIGHT!  There is no shame in that! 

You know, I was trying to figure out what tone I should be taking with this recap.  I mean, on one hand, I usually like to keep things light.  But making fun of an episode featuring FOUR DEAD PEOPLE, seems a tad inappropriate, even for ME! (Well . . . two of them at least.  When it comes to the demise of a certain VERY Unlikeable Wolfgirl, and an EXTREMELY B*tchy Witch, all bets are off!). 

Hours and hours of painful faux-wolf transformations, followed by some time spent rolling in the dirt, plus getting her HEART RIPPED OUT OF YOUR CHEST, and this one still looks like she just stepped out of a salon.  Talk about UNFAIR!

There’s also a lot of great acting and plotting in the “The Sun Also Rises” that deserves to be given its do.  So, while this recap may be a bit more “somber” than most, I’ll try my best to cover everything that happened, while hopefully, still entertaining you a bit along the way . . .

See?  Already you are entertained!

Sound good?  Let’s get started .  . .

(By the way, did you notice that I always called her Useless Aunt Jenna, but now that she’s gone, doing that makes me feel like a TOTAL asshat Aunt Jenna voiced this week’s “Previously on the Vampire Diaries?”  Kind of fitting right?)

So, let me get this straight, you want me to open the show?  But Stefan always opens the show.  Why do I get to do it this week?  Oh, wait a second here .  . . you aren’t trying to give my character a ‘Poignant Sendoff’ are you?  ARE YOU?”

Let Sleeping Werewolves Lie . . .

“Shoot me in the face, I’ll bite you in the balls.  Just sayin’  . . . MATT”

“Ahhh .  . . see that’s what YOU think!  I gave up my balls on this show, a LOOOONNNNG time ago.”

You know you are in a maudlin TVD episode, when the storyline revolving around SHOOTING wolves, painful werewolf transformations, homicidal moms, and a brutal breakup functions as the COMIC RELIEF!  The episode begins with Caroline trying to secure Were-Tyler behind a locked gate, while Matt proceeds to go Rambo on the animal’s ass.  (PETA must have LOVED this one!)

It’s interesting how this scene pretty much telegraphs the Matt / Caroline breakup that occurs at the end of the episode, and the main reasons behind it.  (Then again, considering that Matt has spend the past few episodes plotting AGAINST Caroline with the EEEVVVIL Lizard Forbes, one could argue that this relationship has really been dead in the water, ever since Matt found out that Caroline was a vampire, back in “The House Guest.”)

“Whatchu talkin about, Recapper?”

First, obviously, Matt shoots Were-Tyler.  (By the way, since when did MATT become this GREAT SHOT?  Who the heck ever took this orphan out hunting?  Vampire Vicki?) 

The fact that a gunshot wound CAN’T actually kill this supernatural creature, doesn’t mean that Matt didn’t INTEND to shoot to kill.  Some have disagreed with me on this point.  But I took his actions here as a sure sign that Matt has extreme difficulty seeing the HUMAN BEING, behind the supernatural creature.  Admittedly, he does come around a bit on this point, toward the end of the episode . . . but just not ENOUGH.

As luck would have it, however, the bullet wound  incapacitates Tyler, preventing him from breaking through the wrought iron gates.  This ultimately allows Caroline and Matt to (1) pass through those gates, (2) step over the “sleeping Tyler,” (3) lock said gates from the INSIDE, and (4) return to the safety of Caroline’s house.

That may end the problems with Were-Tyler.   But the problems between Matt and Caroline are just beginning.  Matt offers to help Caroline with the situation, and she REFUSES, probably because (1) as the kickass Vampire Barbie she is, Caroline is about ten times strong than Matt’s wimpy ass; and (2) she doesn’t entirely trust that Matt won’t try to kill Tyler again.  “I’VE GOT IT,” Caroline says snippily.

“Oh . . . my sweet manhood.  Oh, how I miss you.”

In return, when Caroline asks Matt to hold her hand (adding FURTHER insult to injury on the “I’m stronger than you” front), so that the two can navigate around an anesthetized Tyler, Matt hesitates for a LONG TIME.  I’m not even sure if he ultimately DID IT.  Granted, this may just be Matt’s Male Ego trying to show Caroline who’s not so much boss, and not wanting to be mothered by his own girlfriend.  But, mainly, I think it illustrates the notion that Matt STILL doesn’t entirely trust Caroline in her vampire form. 

Ultimately, it is THESE issues (along with some other ones) . . .

“Matt who?”

 . . . that completely tear apart the flimsy fabric of this more-or-less already broken relationship . . .

Back at Alchy Alaric’s Crib . . .

Damon Penetrates Katherine’s Emotional Fortress of Solitude (and Then Pulls Out)

See what I did there? 😉

KATHERINE:  “So, I know you’re like ‘dying’ and all, but would it be too much to ask for a rousing Goodbye F*&k?”

Back when the promo for this episode first aired, many of you noted the genuine look of concern in Katherine’s eyes, as she surveyed the increasingly gnarly werewolf bite on Damon’s arm.

OK . . . that is SO not a hickey!  (Great arm definition though.  That vamp works out!)

And while I DO think that Katherine loves Damon to the extent that she CAN, her love is a selfish and possessive one.  Katherine’s concern over Damon’s dying seems more related to her OWN loss of a GREAT Sex Partner feelings of abandonment and neglect, as well as her fear that there will be one less person on the planet pining over her.

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That being said, it was VERY satisfying to see Damon, who had spent centuries mooning and moping over Katherine, FINALLY coming to terms with the MANY deficiencies of Katherine’s character.  Of course, the exchange wasn’t NEARLY as satisfying as THIS one . . .

Damon immediately calls Kat out on the part she played in Jenna’s demise.  After all, it was KATHERINE who led Jenna into the trap that resulted in her being Klaus’ vampiric sacrifice.  And Katherine did this, even THOUGH she had already consumed the vervain Damon himself had given her, and clearly, had a choice in the matter.  “Somehow you are always the only one who wins, Katherine.  How did that happen?”  Damon asks.

“Because I didn’t let love get in the way,” Katherine replies.

This, of course, calls to mind the much-discussed concept of vampires “turning off their feelings,” which will be touched upon again, later in this episode.  One could argue that Katherine acts the way she does because she simply “never turned her feelings back ON.”  However, I think that’s an overly simplistic analysis of the situation.  Because unlike OTHER vampires who have “turned off” their feelings in the past, like the stoic, verging on sociopathic, Isobel . . .

 . . . and the Bloodaholic Stefan of Old  . . .

 . . . Katherine seems VERY in touch with her emotions.  She often manages to experience JOY in her life . . .

. . . and shows obvious signs of fear, when her existence is being threatened, right before her self-preservation instincts set in.

No, Katherine is just a manipulative biatch.  And, for the most part, she’s probably been that way for her entire life.  The difference now, is that Damon Salvatore has her number. “Enjoy your life alone,” he says icily, as he walks out of her life.   For good?  Somehow, I doubt it . . .

For Damon’s part, the fact that he was willing to sacrifice HIMSELF, not just for Elena, but for JENNA (The werewolf bite ultimately prevented him from doing this.), shows tremendous growth in his character.  Remember THIS line?

(My apologies to the owner of THIS awesome tumblr, who’s site I neglected to properly link in my last recap.)

Well, of course, us Delena fans’ hearts just melted over this, viewing it as the ULTIMATE in romantic statements you can make to the person you love more than life itself.  And yet, it also resulted in Elena de-staking ELIJAH, which, ulimately, may not have been the best decision.  (More on that later.) 

On the otherhand, the “I will always choose you,” line exemplified the ways in which  Damon’s unparalleled love for Elena sometimes prevented him from seeing the Big Picture.  And the Big Picture, is THIS:  Sometimes “saving” someone, isn’t just about preserving their life; it’s also about preserving their heart, by protecting the people that mean something to that person.  Damon’s willingness to save JENNA, in this episode, shows that he understands that Big Picture now.  This understanding, undoubtedly makes him an EVEN STRONGER candidate for Elena’s love . . .

Just sayin’ . . .

Unfortunately, saving Jenna was not in the cards for Damon, this week.  “I’m sorry Damon, but Jenna is dead, and there is nothing you can do about it,” notes Katherine, prophetically. 

“Oh, my GOD!  He killed me! (WTF?)”

“Got any aspirin?  I feel like Death!”

Still Useless, but I can’t call her that anymore Aunt Jenna wakes up with what I imagine is the WORST HANGOVER EVER!  Being forced to drink gallons of Old Fart Vampire Blood, then being MURDERED, then being tossed into a Burning Ring of Fire, will do that to a girl.  What’s worse, she seems to have blocked the entire event out of her consciousness, forcing Poor Elena to have explain it to her ALL OVER AGAIN. 

“Do I REALLY have to be the PARENT in this situation?  AGAIN!  Seriously Aunt Jenna, if there was ever a time I needed to be mothered it is RIGHT NOW!”

It’s important to note here, that the minute that Jenna awakens, she says that she feels different and strange.  After all, it is JENNA’S accounting of what it feels like to be a newly turned vampire in transition, that helps Elena to determine whether she has, in fact, made that transition herself, by the end of the episode.  Unfortunately, Elena BARELY has enough time to tell Jenna’s she DEAD, and give her the crash course on Intro to Vampirism 101, before that EVIL Wanker HOBAG Greta comes out to play . . .

Man, I know she didn’t stick around all that long, but I REALLY hated this b*tch!  Seeing her smug, puckery, self-satisfied face on my screen had the odd effect of actually making me MISS Luka!

Remember him?

“Oh my god!  He killed me.  I’m a vampire,” remarks Jenna, a line that would be bizarrely hilarious on ANY show other than this one and, maybe, True Blood.

“And I bet you’re hungry,” coos Greta Hobag.

Elena, who knows what’s coming next, starts Freaking the F*&k OUT!  So, Greta decides to give her some impromptu flying lessons . . .

“Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”

It turns out that living conditions in Burning Ring of Fire Number One, were getting kind of cramped.  So, Greta treats Elena to an “upgrade” by sending her to Burning Ring of Fire Number Two, which is much roomier, and comes with a better view of the park . . .

Greta then slits her own wrist.  Oh, DIE!  Please DIE!  I think to myself.  But alas, this is no Suicide Attempt on Greta’s part.  This is merely a FEEDING.  And Jenna, possibly mistaking Greta’s arm for some Chunky Monkey . . .

Just trying to lighten the mood here, folks!

. . . starts gnawing at Greta’s bloody skin, like it’s an Ear of Corn. 

*nom-nom, nom-nom*  “Tastes like CHICKEN!”

Then THIS happens . . .

Coolest trick ever!  The most interesting thing I can do with MY eyes is cross them.

By feeding on HUMAN blood, shortly after death, Jenna has officially completed her vampire transformation, thus making her a “ripe” candidate for Klaus’ Sacrifice ritual.  From across their respective burning circles, Jenna and Elena view one another, as only two family members who are no longer the same SPECIES can.  Once again, Elena takes on the MOTHERING role for her Useless until the end terrified Aunt and Guardian.  “Jenna, look at me.  It’s going to be OK,” Elena lies through her teeth.

“It’s OK Elena?  It’s going to be OK?  I just DIED, and ate some girl’s arm!  Now I’m in a circle of FIRE, out in the middle of nowhere, being babysat by two chanting psychopaths.  How does this satisfy your definition of OK?”

Meanwhile, back in the underground tomb, Bonnie and Jeremy are spending a leisurely romantic evening reading by candlelight . . .

“So, if our ancestors used to date eachother, does that mean there’s a chance we might be related?”

JEREMY:  “Hey Bonnie, did you know that there are 365 diferent sexual positions?  One for each day of the year?”

BONNIE:  “You had to look in a BOOK to find THAT?  So, what formerly EMO, but now incredibly hot, guys, don’t believe in internet porn?”

The purpose of Bonnie’s and Mini Gilbert’s underground research session is to  allow Jeremy the screentime he’s been sorely lacking these past couple of episodes find a spell that can somehow keep Elena from GOING VAMP, after Klaus kills her.  Truthfully, Jeremy’s and Bonnie’s search for this spell seems kind of half-assed. In fact, both parties seem more interested in eye f*&king, shoulder nuzzling, and making sexually suggestive historical references than rescuing their friend from the Ignominy of the Undead.  “I think [my ancestor, Emily] had a thing for [your ancestor, John Gilbert] remarks Bonnie, with a seductive wink.

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And just in case you actually BELIEVED Bonnie’s lamely flirtatious statement, please allow me to show you something.  THIS was Emily Gilbert . . .

She’s kind of hot, right?  OK . . . now THIS is John Gilbert, on whom Emily supposedly had this HUGE CRUSH . . .

Did I mention, the dude was batsh*t insane, and seemingly spent his entire life writing down his every thought in about 85,000 DIARIES?  Yeah, Emily Gilbert!  This one sounds like a Real Keeper!  You gotta give props to Bonnie for trying, though . .  .

Unfortunately, this little slightly nauseating moment is interrupted by Cock Block Alaric, who, ever since his delivery of the “message” that the Sacrifice begins tonight, has seemingly had no other purpose than to be the Bearer of Bad News . . .

“Dammit!  I miss being Klaus.  Now THERE was a guy who knew how to have a good time!”

“Jeremy, something’s happened to Jenna . . .” he begins morosely.

“Seriously?  Again?  You’re kidding me with this, right?”

The Man with the Plan . . .

Back above ground, Damon and Stefan engage in one of their little Brotherly Telephone Gossip Sessions that are quickly becoming a regular occurrence on this show . . .

” OMG!  Katherine actually SAID that to you?  She is SUCH a b*tch.  Did you f*&k her?   Because I totally would have f*&ked her.”

During the phone conversation, Damon informs Stefan that his girlfriend’s aunt is now vampire bait, and Stefan responds by getting weepy . . . again.  Stefan also makes a decision.  It’s the same one Damon made EARLIER in the episode, but couldn’t carry out, due to his Were-Rabies.  Namely, Stefan will offer to sacrifice himself in place of Jenna . . .

 “So, all these hot guys are willing to sacrifice themselves for ME, now!  This is SO COOL!  It also means I’m pretty much dead already, doesn’t it?”

After hanging up on Damon, Stefan turns his attention to Elijah . . .

I’m sorry. I just think this picture of Elijah is really funny!

Elijah helpfully restates the Save Elena gameplan for the audience.  “Bonnie will stay hidden until the moon reaches its final phase.  [This way, Klaus will continue to think she’s dead until the last possible moment.]  Then, she will deliver Klaus to the brink of death, and I will finish him off,” explains the Original Vamp of Haircare Excellence, stoically . . .

Shut UP, Elijah!  I’m mad at you.  We’re in a fight, now!

Though it’s undoubtedly TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE, Stefan FINALLY wakes up to the fact that Elijah’s insistence on killing his own brother, in order to help out folks who he (1) barely knows; and (2) tried to kill him . . . TWICE, seems . . . ODD . . . to say the least.  When Elijah tells Stefan that he is a “very honorable man,” Stefan pointedly asks whether ELIJAH, himself, is honorable.  (You know, this might have been a good question to ask BEFORE you hung all your hopes on THIS guy’s purported “honorability.”)

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“You can’t see it, but I’m actually crossing my fingers behind my back, right now.”

Klaus FINALLY explains why he seems so intent on killing his own brother, the Original Douchebag.  Turns out, this dude is SO CUCKOO BANANAS that he murdered his ENTIRE family (except, conveniently, Elijah . . . I guess he thought that hair was too pretty to go to waste), and buried all their corpses AT SEA, so that no one could come an “revive” them. 

Stefan, who knows a thing or two about wanting to kill your brother, while still being tormented by feelings of LOVE for that sibling, can relate . . .

Last I checked, they didn’t allow vampires on Dancing with the Stars . . .

“Sometimes, there is honor in revenge,” says Elijah, sounding like he’s quoting Shakespeare. (And he may be, for all I know.  Heck, he probably knew the guy, personally . . . and possibly even ATE him.)  “I will not let you down,” concludes the Original, as his nose grows to epic proportions . . . kind of like Pinocchio.

“Trust me.  It gets worse.”

“Dear sweet Wall!  You are the only one who truly understands my pain.”

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Uncle / Father John barges into Damon’s house, wondering why Elena hasn’t returned any of his phone calls . . .

“Looks like you are a day late, and a daughter short,” snarks Damon.  (LOVE HIM!)

Once, Damon gives Uncle /Father John the Cliff Notes version of the past few episodes of TVD, during which he was doing LORD KNOWS WHAT, U.F.J. decides this would be the PERFECT opportunity to call Damon out on his failure to properly parent / protect his daughter.  Riiiiight, because dads should ALWAYS hire out Sexy but Morally Ambiguous Vampires to take care of those pesky parental duties!

Now, THAT’S what I call a Father Figure!

“All you had to do was keep her safe,” whines John, when he learns that Damon prevented Elena’s certain death by feeding her his own vampire blood.  “You destroyed her life, you know.  You’ve turned her into what I’ve spent my whole life ineffectually protecting her from.”

“Now, is REALLY not the time for lectures, Daddio!”

That’s when Damon introduces Uncle /Father John to his good pal Wall Face (which was awesome, by the way).  “Yeah, yeah . . . I took her choice away.  And I ruined her life, I get it,” remarks Damon, in the voice of a bored teenager.  (Clearly, Damon Salvatore reads blogs.)  “But, trust me, it gets worse . . .”

“Oh no!  Well, let’s not talk about such dark things.  After all, you and I will have plenty of time to have this discussion next season . . . Won’t we?  Won’t we?

But get worse, IT DOES!  Perpetual Bearer of Bad News Alaric chooses THIS particular time to drop a bombshell on Damon, that STEFAN will be sacrificing himself in Jenna’s place.   Damon’s Man-Cry and Sexy Wall Punch, upon hearing about his Little Brother’s most recent attempt at Martyrdom SLAYED ME with their gut-wrenching intensity  . . .

I also couldn’t help but be reminded of ANOTHER time when Damon took his inconsolate sadness and anger out on Innocent Pieces of Furniture . . .

Be afraid La Casa de Rich and Awesome!  Be very afraid!

I also had to laugh, when Damon once again, RIGHTLY wondered why they couldn’t just let BONNIE sacrifice herself for Klaus.  After all, SHE had enough power to kill him, even BEFORE he started offing various cast members.  In hindsight, this probably would have been the better solution, as it would have prevented Elena and Jeremy from becoming orphans, and from needing a lifetime of pills therapy, most likely punctuated by various stints in rehab . . .

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“Dammit, BONNIE!  Way to take one for the Team!”

Meanwhile, back at the Sacrifice . . .

“Hi Jules . . . Bye Jules!”

 

“Life like a Beast.  Die like a Porn Star.”

Jenna is beginning to enjoy the Perks of Vampirism.  “I feel everything stronger,” she notes thoughtfully.  “The colors are brighter.  The fire is hotter.”

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), this little Advertisement for Undead Living is interrupted by SERIOUSLY LOUD SEX SOUNDS.  Moans, groans, grunts . . . the whole nine yards.  For a second their, I thought Klaus was getting a quicky.  Then, I realized that those sounds were coming from the soon-to-be-dead Jules.  Apparently, Greta slowed down Jules’ were transformation, so that she could be a candidate for the Sacrifice, and the process has ravaged her innards. 

Jules is promptly thrown into Burning Ring of Fire Number 3.  She and Elena only have the briefest of moments to chat.  (She claims she did all that she did to help Tyler.  Do we believe her?  Does it even matter anymore?)  Then Klaus magically appears . . .

“Are you ready my lovelies?”  He asks in that slimy child pedophile voice of his.

Then Greta starts her annoying chanting, as the lights go out in Burning Ring of Fire Number 3.  Apparently, it’s Checkout Time at the Ole Go to Hell Motel!  Jules lunches at Klaus.  And it looks like she’s about to “Go Were” on his ass.  But he tackles her, and does THIS . . .

Now, that’s what I call wearing your heart on your sleeve!

Ummm . . . yeah . . . so in case you haven’t figured it out yet, Jules is Dead . . .

Mind you, this happened only 12 MINUTES into the episode!  So, we all should have known we were in for a while ride.  Klaus expediently drops Jules’ heart (Who knew she had one?) into his little cauldron, as Jenna and Elena watch on in horror from Burning Ring of Fire Numbers 1 and 2, respectively . . .

In a heartfelt moment between Auntie Vampire and Niece, the Character Formerly Known as Useless Aunt Jenna turns to the child she was supposed to be parenting and said “I failed you . . .”

To which Elena, responded, “Hells, yeah, you did!  No, I failed YOU! (But we all know, she just said that to be nice.)

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This touching moment is followed by another one, in which Elena tells Jenna that due to her new and SUPER nifty vampiric abilities, she has the power to fight back against Klaus.  And I THIS realization on Elena’s part (along with her TERRIFYINGLY TRAUMATIC near-death experience), that causes the Petrova Doppelganger to gain an understanding of why Damon did what he did to her, and recognize that it might not have been such an awful thing to do, after all. 

We definitely see an unspoken understanding form between Damon and Elena, in the final moments of the episode.   And I actually think THIS is where that understanding begins . . .

When it comes time for Jenna to take HER part in the Sacrifice, as signified by the lights going out in HER Burning Ring of Fire, Stefan appears in the distance, to offer up a little “barter and exchange,” one vampire for another . . .

“Just in case you needed evidence of what a FINE vampire specimen I am . . .”

Klaus looks at Stefan, intrigued (and slightly turned on) . . . “Very well, what can I do for you?”  Klaus inquires politely.

Speaking of fine male specimens . . .

Have you ever wished someone would leave a Hot Naked Man on your doorstep?

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Christmas, apparently, came a few months Early in Mystic Falls . . .

After escaping Were Tyler, Caroline and Matt lock themselves up in Caroline’s house where they can be bored safe together. 

“I keep expecting your mom to barge through the door with a chainsaw, and murder us all!”

Now that Caroline and Matt finally have a little down time, they could talk about what a Monumental Douchebag he’s been, the past few episodes!  Matt explains to Caroline, how he pretended to succumb to her compulsion, after watching both Season 1 and Season 2 of TVD on DVD . . .

As we well know, he then went and ratted Caroline out to her the World’s Worst Mother, Lizard Forbes.  “So, where does that leave us now?”  Caroline wonders.  DUMP HIM, CAROLINE!  DUMP HIM HARD! 

“It leaves us stuck in the house, trying not to get malled by our friend,” replies Matt.  (OK .  . . I’ll admit it.  That was a pretty funny line.  And yet . . .)

Friends don’t shoot friends . . .

“Do you think my mom wants to kill me?”  Caroline wonders, in the Saddest Little Voice Ever.

“She doesn’t know what she wants to do with you.  Because, really, what are parents supposed to DO with their kids anyway.  Parenting is so darn confusing!”  Matt replies.

Then, there is loud thump at the door.  And for a second, I really did believe it was Lizard Forbes, preparing to go postal . . .

“I’ll get you my pretty.  And your little werewolf too!”

But it was something WAY better than that.  “Give me your jacket,” Caroline scolds, taking charge once again. 

Caroline rushes outside to find THIS laying naked on her doorstep . . .

After doing a little Dance of Joy around her front porch.  (Where all the BEST Forwood action happens anyway, right Cherie?)  Caroline strategically drapes Matt’s coat over Tyler’s man parts.  (Gee, ya think Matt’s going to want that back?) 

There’s a scene in the Southern Vampire Mysteries Book Series (on which True Blood is based), where, after being cursed by an evil witches spell, which gives him amnesia, one of the main characters is told to run in the direction of the one woman he truly loves.  And that character, not remembering ANYTHING else, still, on some level, is able to follow his heart, and find the Right Girl.  I would like to think that the same sort of INSTINCTUAL memory prompted Tyler, while still in werewolf form and injured, to drag himself toward Caroline’s porch.  Because, of all the places in Mystic Falls, THAT is the one where he feels most at home.

Gee, I wonder why? 😉

Just like after his first werewolf transformation, Tyler’s eyes flutter open, and the first face he sees, is that of the woman he loves.  “Caroline?”  He asks tentatively, his face a mixture of relief, love, comfort, and utter sadness.

“It’s OK, Tyler . . . it’s OK,” Caroline replies, looking deep into his brown eyes, as she rubbs his shoulders affectionately.

Unlike the time earlier in the episode, where Elena uttered these SAME words to Aunt Jenna.  This time, I actually BELIEVE them.  And I think Tyler does too . . .

“I’ll drink to that!”

“Can We Just Skip to the ‘Save Elena’ Part”

Good news, guys!  Uncle/ Father John knows of a plan that could save Elena from being a vampire!  When the rest of the Scooby Gang arrive, he starts waxing poetically about some dying mother and her unborn baby.    Apparently, Witch Emily was able to PROTECT this mother-daughter pair (well, at least one of them) from death, by ensuring the intact nature of their souls.

(Like Damon, I’ll admit I zoned out through most of this part.  But it actually makes a lot of sense by the end of the episode. So, bear with me . . .)  Long-story short, Bonnie plans to use the SAME spell that Emily used on the Mother and Baby on Elena and Uncle / Father John.  Damon is skeptical of the plan, thinking it’s all a bunch of hooey.  But Uncle/ Father John seems DETERMINED that his daughter stay human, so . . .

When it comes time for Bonnie and Damon to leave for the Sacrifice Scrappy Doo Mini Gilbert, of course wants to come too!  So, what does Bonnie do, she makes out with him, and knocks him unconscious with her Disgusting Dragon Breath witchy ways. 

“Seriously?  AGAIN!  This SUCKS Monkey BUTT!  Then again, the fact that I didn’t get my ass kicked ONCE this episode, shows at least SOME signs of improvement . . .”

Jeremy shouldn’t feel too bad though.  At least he will have company!  Uncle / Father John is staying home from the Save Elena Games.  And apparently, so is Alaric . . .

“What?  You mean I don’t get to go either?  But I ALWAYS get to go!  I’m one-half of Team Bad Ass DAMMIT!”

Apparently, Bonnie and Damon thought Alaric’s love for Useless Aunt Jenna made him a liability.  So, they did to HIM the same thing they did to ELENA when SHE tried to throw herself at Klaus’ feet the first time . . .

The Poo HITS the FAN, Big TIME!

Back at the Olympic Burning Rings of Fire, Jenna tries to use her newfound vampire hearing to figure out what the heck Klaus and Stefan are gossiping about . . .

“So, do you, like, use a special shampoo, or something, to get your hair to look all shiny like that, because I’ve tried just about EVERY haircare product on the market.  And mine is just dullsville.  I envy you, and your Super Hero Hair Stefan Salvatore.”

Jenna reluctantly tells Elena that her BOYFRIEND has offered himself up, in exchange for Jenna.  (Now, THAT’S awkward.)  Elena, understandably, is horrified by the idea.  Does she want to keep around the Shrink she has Sex with, or the Aunt, who has her OWN sex, while Elena watches?  Decisions, decisions.  When Stefan gets thrown into Burning Ring of Fire One in Jenna’s place, Elena is both touched by her boyfriend’s kind gesture, and frightened as all heck!

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Now, this was a PRETTY sneaky move on the part of the TVD writers.  After all, MOST OF US knew that Stefan and Elena would both make it to the Season Finale.  So, the fact that Jenna, was no longer sitting in the burning ring, probably gave SOME of us, myself included, a false sense of security.  And it was that sense of security that was RIPPED TO SHREDS, when Klaus impulsively announced that he had OTHER plans for Stefan, and therefore, wanted him to survive. 

(What PLANS?  Does Klaus want Stefan to join the Were Vamp army?  Does he want Stefan to get DAMON to join the Were Vamp Army?  Does he want Stefan to give him more Hair Care tips?  Something tells me that we will have to wait until next season to find out . . .)

Klaus then puts Elena’s So-Called Savior out of commission (at least for a few moments by breaking his neck, and staking him).

Something tells me that’s going to hurt in the morning!

Elena looks at Jenna, in terror.  But her aunt seems oddly determined.  “I know what I have to do,” says Jenna, with more verve and intensity than we’ve seen from the character all season. 

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(SERIOUSLY, Sara Canning was ON FIRE this episode!  It makes you understand just how CRIMINALLY under-used her acting talents were on this show.  Useless Aunt Jenna, could have realy kicked ass . . . if she wasn’t so . .  . useless most of the time.)

Knowing she can’t defeat Klaus, Jenna lashes out at GRETA, which, if you think about it, is a pretty genius move.  After all, without a WITCH to say the spell, Klaus can’t complete the ritual.  The only problem is that Poor Newbie Vamp Jenna isn’t well versed in the Creative Killing Tactics of Salvatore Brothers and Originals, like, for example, the Bold De-Harting . . .

. . . or the Nifty Neck Snap.  So, Jenna, instead opts for the Good Old Fashioned NECK BITE, which . . . well . . . it basically does nothing.  Greta looks more annoyed, than truly in pain. 

A heart-tugging, tear inducing look is exchanged between an inconsolate Elena, and a now truly terrified Jenna, as both come to the horrifying, not to mention, massively depressing, realization that this is going to be literally the LAST TIME they will ever see one another “alive.”

With no other options available to her, a tearful Elena gives her aunt the ONLY piece of advice that a person who’s death is imminent really wants to hear:  how to die without fear . . . or pain.  “Just turn it off . . . Turn it off, Jenna.  You won’t be scared, anymore.”

We can’t know for sure whether Aunt Jenna ultimately opted to turn off her emotions in the final moments of her life.  However, the surprisingly peaceful expression on her face, after Klaus drained her of blood . . . gives us some clue that she might have done just that . . .

OK . . . I lied.  That doesn’t look “peaceful” at all.  She looks scared sh*tless.  Man, this show is depressing!

If you weren’t crying by this point, Elena’s shout of anguish as her ineffectual, but well-meaning, and loveable guardian, bit the Big One, most certainly had you reaching for Box of Kleenex.  Still, more tears follow, when Stefan awakens and finds Jenna’s lifeless body lying just outside the burning ring.  “I’m sorry, he mouths to his girlfriend, who’s family member he WASN’T able to save.”

Elena puts her finger to her lips.  “Shhh . . . KILL HIM,” she whispers.

You know . . . when Useless Aunt Jenna (R.I.P. Girlfriend) is the Smartest Girl at the Party, something is WRONG with this picture.  Don’t try to kill KLAUS, Stefan!  Kill GRETA!  BREAK HER NECK!  RIP OUT HER HEART!  Do something, aside from haphazardly throwing yourself at Klaus, and FAILING . . . AGAIN.

But fail again, Stefan does.  And, the next thing you know, the lights at Burning Ring of Fire Number 2 are out.  And Klaus has Elena in his grubby hands.  Now, he’s groping her, like a drunken college fratboy.  She is not amused .  . .

KLAUS:  “The moonlight . . . the candles  . . . the dead bodies . .  . I don’t know about you, but I find this all incredibly romantic.”

Ever the gentleman, Klaus politely thanks Elena for her services on Team Sacrifice.  “Go to hell,” Elena snarls. 

So, Klaus does . . .  but he brings ELENA right along with him . . .

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Poor Stefan, he’s been pretty much all Water Works, all episode.  And for good reason.  With Elena down, Klaus drops the Moonstone into the cauldron, and to the tune of Greta’s insufferable chanting of gibberish, begins his were-tranformation . . .

A face not even a mother could love . . .

But just when it seems like all hope is lost . . .

All Hail Team Scooby!

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Bonnie comes seemingly out of nowhere, bringing Klaus to his knees with her massive Firestarter Power.  From the other side of the park, Damon magically appears . . .

. . . and does exactly what Stefan SHOULD have done about 20 minutes ago.  He BREAKS GRETA’S NECK, in one sharp SNAP!

Damon than picks up a lifeless Elena and gallantly carries her body over to Stefan.  But Stefan surprises his brother, by NOT taking her in his arms.  “I need you to take her out of here.  I’m not leaving, until he is dead,”  explains Stefan.  (My, my, my . .  . how the roles have reversed.)

I was happy though . . . because I got to see this . . .

I mean, seriously, how much better forshadowing can us Delena fans get?  The dude CARRIED ELENA to safety AND over the proverbial threshold, into her HOME! 

But just when you think it can’t get any better, IT DOES!

My heart literally leapt out of my chest, walked over to the television screen, and nuzzled up to Damon’s face, as he gently and loving caressed Elena’s unconscious face, in a move that reminded me VERY much of THIS early TVD scene . . .

“If you come back a vampire, Elena.  I will have to stake you myself.  So, DON’T.  Because I can’t stand the idea of you hating me, forever,” Damon whispers.

As if in answer to his prayers, Elena awakens . . .

“How do you feel?”  Damon asks tentatively.

“I feel fine,” Elena replies incredulously.

Remember when I told you that Jenna felt DIFFERENT when in transition.  Well, Elena, based on her response, is still human.  The question is how? 

More about that in a bit, for now, I want to get a bit more Delana-y with you . . .

That look Elena gives Damon when she first wakes up!  Delena fans will undoubtedly analyze this look ALL SUMMER, along with the one the pair exchange at the funeral, later in the episode.  There are a lot of similarities between this look, and the one Tyler gives Caroline, when he awakens from his werewolf state.  Elena too, has had somewhat of a rebirth in these last few minutes.  She has LITERALLY died, and been reborn.

Clearly, something has changed regarding Elena’s feelings for Damon, since their last encounter.  But what?  Has Elena softened toward Damon, because, in facing the True Death, she has finally come to terms with the fact that she wants to live.  Has Elena begun to grudgingly see the positive sides of vampirism, as I mentioned above?  Or is it something more . . .

Recall that Damon once, not to long ago, told Elena he loved her, and compelled her to forget it . . .

 You may also recall that as a vampire, you can remember all instances of compulsion you experienced as a human . . .

Could Elena suddenly be REMEMBERING Damon’s sacrificial declaration of love for her?  But wait . . . that doesn’t make sense.  After all, I just said Elena is HUMAN.  So, how could she remember something like that?  You might wonder.  Well . . . I think, based on the loosey goosey way she was able to STAY human, that she might actually remember it. 

And to that plot development, I say . . .

But we are getting a bit ahead of yourselves here . . .  Let’s take a step back for a moment, and figure out how Elena managed to stay HUMAN, after clearly dying with vampire blood in her system.

The Ultimate Sacrifice

Aside from read books, and write a letter with his severely bandaged hands . . .

Ahhh memories . . .

Uncle / Father John hasn’t done much this episode.  And yet, as Elena is waking up in Damon’s arms, U.F.J. is handing Jeremy a letter and a ring, with instructions to give them to Elena.  With one last look at the house, he then walks outside.  The moment Elena awakens, he falls to the floor . .  . dead.

Remember how we talked a bit about that spell Emily did on the mother and the baby.  Well, apparently the mother gave HER life, and her soul to the baby, so that the baby could be reborn.  That was Uncle/Father John’s final gift to his daughter: the gift of a second chance at REAL life.  All U.F.J. ever really wanted for his daughter was for her NOT to become a vampire.  And now (at least for another season) she won’t be . . .

Now, I’m just wondering who the HECK is going to get custody of these two underage teens, who LITERALLY have no family left on Earth.   Maybe Alaric can adopt?

Speaking of Alaric . . . poor guy!  Lost another woman to vampirism!  The look on his face, when he foudn out Jenna didn’t survive the Sacrifice ritual was horrifying.  He and Jeremy just can’t seem to catch a break.  Can they?

But WAIT . . . what about KLAUS . . . and ELIJAH?

Elijah Do-Little

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Back at the site, the Scooby Gang’s Save Elena / Kill Klaus plan seems to be going as planned.  Bonnie is doing her Crazy Ass witch thing, Elena is alive, human and safe, Greta is dead, and Klaus is close to it.  Now, all they have to do is wait for Elijah to finish him off . . .

But NOOOOO!  Just when Elijah ACTUALLY has his hand inside Klaus’ chest, and is ready to make the final pull, a skill we all KNOW he’s incredibly adept at . . .

Klaus has to go and open his Big Fat Mouth, and tell some Big Fat Sob Story, about how he DIDN’T actually bury his family at sea. like Osama Bin Laden.  (Presumably, this means that the family of Originals can be brought back to life, just in time for next season, no doubt.)  Did I mention that Klaus KNOWS where the bodies are (or so he says), and promises to take Elijah to them, if he lets him life? 

“Quite the conundrum I’m in here.  Follow my Crazy Pants  Brother on a Wild Goose Chase to find my long lost relatives, or help these misfits I barely know kill the last member of family I have.  Hmmmm . . . I wonder what I should do?”

And so, with a quick half-assed apology at the remaining Scooby Gang members, Eljah escapes with the now Were-Vamp Klaus to parts unknown . . .

I hate to say it (because I loved me some hot Delena moments), but Damon would NEVER have let this happen, if he was there . . .

Speaking of hot moments . . .

What you got under that blanket?

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“So, I guess it’s true what they say about men with big hands.”

While naked Tyler is in Caroline’s bed (HELL YEAH!) sleeping off his were-bender, Matt is giving Caroline the Big Ole’ kiss off.   “So, this is you’re life, huh?”  Matt asks, conversationally.  “Never a dull moment.”

Unlike MY life, which tends to be jam-packed with Dull Moments.

In what was probably the LONGEST version of the “It’s not you.  It’s me.”  speech I have ever heard, Matt tells Caroline how much fun he’s had with her over the past few days (while he was pretending NOT to think she was a Brain Eating Zombie), BUT he doesn’t feel like he can handle her Hardcore Vampire Lifestyle.  He’s got other things to think about, like his lame job at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, and his Slutty Mom, and his Dead Sister.  So, yeah, greener pastures, I guess . . .

Matt would prefer to live his life in a fog, and forget vampires and werewolves ever existed, then to spend time with the woman he supposedly loves, who just so happens to occasionally, drink Red Stuff from a hospital bag .  . .

Oh, well!  If you can’t take the Forwood Heat, get your ass out of Caroline’s house . . . 

 (Admittedly, though I mock it here, because this recap never seems to end, and I’m getting a bit cranky, this annoying scene did show tremendous acting ability on Roerig’s part.  And since I’m a staunch Forwoody, it even made me smile.)

But on to the good stuff . . . Tyler wakes up, wanders down stairs, and sidles up to a sad Caroline on the couch.

TYLER:  “Man, I’m in pain.  What the heck did I do last night?”

CAROLINE:  “Umm . . . Tyler . . . I’m pregnant.”

Undoubtedly, a bit embarrassed about whatever Werewolf Hijinks he may have engaged in, the night before (though, clearly, not embarrassed enough to put on a pair of pants before coming downstairs – and THANK GOD, for that!), Tyler wonders outloud whether, what Caroline said to him the night before was right.  Maybe he should have stayed away from Mystic Falls, after all.  “You shouldn’t have left,” Caroline corrects him.

“Awwwww yeah, she SO wants me!”

The way Tyler and Caroline relate to one another is just so uniquely special and so natural, you just can’t help but smile when you watch them together.  I loved how, in this scene, the pair repeatedly waver back and forth between the expression of serious feelings and joking easy-going banter, knowing instinctively that using the latter, will help them comfortably ease their way into the former.  Like in this moment, when Tyler jokes that he tried to kill her . . . twice.  (That happens A LOT on this show, doesn’t it?)

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“No friendship is perfect,” jokes Caroline.

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See, what I mean?  I mean what OTHER couple could joke and laugh about the topic of Involuntary Man (Wolf?)slaughter?

Yeah . .  . them too, I guess.

But then, when Caroline’s laughter turns to tears, Tyler is serious again, and prepared to comfort the woman he clearly loves so much . . .

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And when Caroline tells Tyler that Matt broke up with her, Tyler does a REALLY GOOD JOB of looking genuinely sad for her, even though we all know that, inside, he’s wanting very much to do THIS . . .

. . . and maybe even a little bit of THIS . . .

“So what do I do in this situation?”  Tyler genuinely wants to know, biting his lower lip in happiness, as Caroline snuggles closer to him.

“Instead of bailing again, you say, ‘Thank you for taking care of me.  Sorry I tried to chow down on you again.'”

“Thank you for taking care of me,” Tyler whispers in Caroline’s ear, as she nestles up close to him, feeling safe and truly loved for the first time in as long as she can remember.

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And now that all are hearts are FILLED with the Warm Fuzziness of Forwoody Goodness, I regret to inform you that we have a funeral to attend . . . well . . . two funerals.

Saying Goodbye

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Now, normally, I’d say Hard Core Eye Fuckery is inappropriate at the funeral of your Parental Guardian and Bio Dad.  But since it’s Delena, I’m totally cool with it!

Though the sun had in fact risen, and was shining high in the sky, at the conclusion of “The Sun Also Rises,” the tone was undoubtedly somber, as Elena and Jeremy buried their only remaining parental figures, Uncle/Father John and No-Longer Useless Aunt Jenna . . .

In a very sweet, but extremely poignant, moment, Jeremy and Elena both tried to stay strong for one another, as they comforted eachother in Elena’s bedroom, just moments before their hastily patched together Double Family Funeral.  (Jenna and John would be buried in secret,  right alongside Elena’s adoptive parents, so as not to stir suspicion among the town residents.)  Elena apologized to Jeremy for all the people he had lost in his young life.  And Jeremy, in turn, gave Elena John’s final gifts to her: the letter he had written and his Ring of Immortality.

We watched as Elena sat by the window, and sadly read her father’s last words to her . . .

What follows is John’s letter, in its entirety:

Elena,

It’s no easy task being an ordinary parent to an extrordinary child. I failed in that task. And because of my prejudices, I failed you. I am haunted by how things might have turned out differently if I had been more willing to hear your side of things. For me it’s the end. For you, a chance to grow old and someday do better with your own child than I did with mine. It’s for that child that I give you my ring. I don’t ask for your forgiveness or for you to forget. I ask only that you believe this: whether you are now reading this as a human or as a vampire, I love you all the same, as I’ve always loved you and always will.

John

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At the funeral the entire REMAINING Scooby Gang gathered and left roses on the Gilbert gravestone.

After exchanging some VERY meaningful looks with Elena at the cemetery (hint, hint, wink wink), Damon FINALLY came clean to Stefan about the secret he was hiding.  Tyler had bit him.  He was marked for death.

“We will find something . . . a cure,” said Stefan resolutely.

“There is no cure, Stefan,” replied Damon morosely.

But Stefan refused to accept the loss of his brother, “We kept Elena human.  We found a way when there was no way.   We will do this.”

“You wanna do something for me?”  Damon asked.  “Keep this from Elena.  The last thing she needs is another grave to mourn.”

And with that, Damon walked off into the sunset, ALONE, as we all blew our noses, and reached for the now-empty box of Kleenex.

Until next time . . .

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