So many really great pornos started just like this. Except, if this was a porno, Damon would be wearing a fireman’s hat or a Superman cape . . . and nothing else . . .
“We all go a little mad sometimes,” Fangbangers. It’s a movie quote that I thought originated from the 90’s horror classic, Scream.
But apparently, it’s even older than that . . . like, Psycho OLD . . .
The promos for this week’s episode (and its title) were misleading . . . in a good way. What many of us thought would be a rather annoying episode about Elena’s Trip to Wacky Town . . .
. . . actually ended up being less about our female protagonist’s episode-long psychosis, and more about the series‘ underdogs finally getting their time to shine, whether that meant getting the girl, saving the day, or making yet another hybrid’s head into a Pez dispenser, just to add some ink to their arm tattoos . . .
Then again, whether Damon and Klaus could actually be considered underdogs on this show, is likely a point of contention among fans . . .
Nonetheless, “We all go a little mad sometimes,” was definitely a “game changer: of an episode, more of one, perhaps, than any of the episodes that preceded it, this season. So, hold on to your heads, your hearts, and your sunscreen rings, because it’s time for another TVD-cap . . .
Why you should always think twice, before stabbing people in the carotid artery . . .
JEREMY: “If you didn’t want me to make you waffles for breakfast, you could have just said so.”
You know what sucks about hallucinating that every single person you know looks exactly like That Dude You Killed?
“I must just have one of those faces . . .”
Well, aside from the obvious, there’s a really good chance, you’ll end up murdering your baby brother in the kitchen, by jabbing a steak knife into his carotid artery.
Sh*t happens . . .
First of all, you’ve really got to hand it to Elena Gilbert. I mean, I’ve heard of people who sleep walk, sleep talk, sleep eat, even sleep drive, but Sleep Kill? Now, that’s impressive . . .
The episode begins with Elena awakening from a bad dream, and heading to the kitchen for a hot drink, only to find Hotty the Ex Vampire Slayer, standing before her all broody and bloody. For a guy who got knifed in voice box, Dead Connor sure is chatty. He’s yammering on and on to Elena about how he has a brother, and how he died in an unmarked grave, and Boo Hoo Hoo WAHHHH.
Could you really blame Elena for wanting to shut him up again, by poking a fork in his kneck, like a chef testing how well his meat is cooked? Except, there’s one slight problem. Connor doesn’t exist anymore. And Mini Gilbert just so happens to be standing in his place . . .
“If you people don’t stop poking holes in my body, every time you go temporarily insane, or are just in a really bad mood, I’m going to compel myself back to Denver . . .”
That makes a whopping THREE deaths for Jeremy, who had his neck snapped by Damon, in Season 2, and was shot by Sheriff Forbes at the end of that same season. This new death, at the hands of his own sister, doesn’t quite land Jeremy in Alaric territory . . . I mean, that guy died like 580 times . . .
. . . and lord knows how many times Rebekah and Elijah have met the sharp end of that White Oak stake.
However, it still gives Mystic Falls’ resident Scrappy Doo a one up on his sister, who, so far, has only croaked twice . . .which, on this show, is like a walk in the park . . .
While Elena waits for her brother’s Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality to kick in, she calls Damon for moral support. After all, if anyone knows what it feels like to temporarily kill Jeremy Gilbert, it’s Damon.
Also, Saint Stefan’s vampire buzzkill ways, coupled with a few recent fibs on his part, not to mention the surprise resurgence of his obviously sexual relationship with one Klausipoo (Come on, those two aren’t fooling ANYBODY!) have been enough to move the younger Salvatore brother down one notch on Elena’s Emergency Contacts list . . .
STEFAN: *whistles uncomfortably*
But then Damon calls Stefan to come over . . . I think because the poor blue-eyed vamp has become so used to getting denied nookie on this show that he’s started to cockblock himself . . .
Except Elena doesn’t want to talk to Stefan, she wants to
have We Both Killed Jeremy Gilbert Once, But that Doesn’t Necessarily Make Us Bad People Sex with Damon! take a shower, thank you very much!
This would be a great commercial for dishwasher detergent. “Look NO DISHPAN HANDS!”
Unfortunately, for Elena, once she’s alone again, her hallucinations start kicking back into high gear. What’s a baby vamp to do?
“Eat my feelings?”
Elsewhere in Mystic Falls . . .
There Ain’t No Party Like a Headless Hybrid Party . . .
Tyler, Hayley, and the rest of their Wacky Woof Pack have apparently spent the night repeatedly toasting to the life of That Random Hybrid that Got Blown Up Last Week, but not to the life of That Random Hybrid Who Got His Head Chopped Off Two Weeks Ago, thus proving that, much like high school, every Wacky Woof Pack has it’s jocks that people actually care about, and its mathletes that they don’t. Sucks to be you, Headless Hybrid Number 22!
Then, Hayley does this thing where she seductively feeds Tyler booze from her finger. And I guess it’s supposed to be sexy. But as anyone who’s actually been up all night partying knows, all-night partiers’ fingers are the last places you want to be licking (
well, almost the last places), because you have no idea where they’ve been . . .
“Contrary to popular belief, my mouth is NOT your sink.”
Caroline comes flouncing in at that moment in a huff to engage in the ex-girlfriend ritual of “returning ex-boyfriend’s belongings in a box.”
I don’t know . . . taking the time to pack your exes crap in a box, just so you can hand deliver it to him . . . it seems like a lot of work to me. Personally, I like to throw all my ex-boyfriends’ sh*t in my cat’s litterbox, and let her do the rest of the dirty work. But that’s just me . . .
“I knew my hat smelled funny.”
It sure makes Klaus happy though, who just so “happens” to walk in at the moment all this is going down. The Original Hybrid wastes absolutely no time giving Caroline those trademark googly eyes that say, “When you’re done playing FedEx Delivery Girl with Tyler, come play Naughty Nurse with me.”
But it looks like the joke might be on Klaus. Because, the minute the blonde vamp exits stage right, Hayley and Caroline are patting one another on the back for a ruse well-played, and Tyler and Caroline are tonguing one another, like it’s their job. (Be careful, Caroline. Tyler’s tongue just had Hayley’s all-night party finger all over it. Can you say, Germ Party?)
Turns out, the whole scene was just a ruse to throw Klaus off the gangs’ Master Plan to free all the hybrids from their Master’s Sire Bond. In fact, one hybrid named Chris is already a success story. Sorry Chris. We all know what happens to hybrids who get a name that isn’t “Tyler,” don’t we?
Enjoy having a name, and partying with Sexy Finger-Sucking Hayley, while you can. Because it looks like you just got a first class, one-way ticket to the Hybrid Pez Head Hall of Fame . . .
Adventures in Babysitting Elena Gilbert . . .
After paying his hybrids a visit, Klaus calls his boyfriend Stefan for a quick booty call. I can’t tell you exactly what he says. But I suppose it goes something like this:
“Hey my Ripper Stud! How’s it hanging? Has your not-nearly-as-good-in-the-sack-as-me girlfriend started going all loony tunes from killing a vampire hunter yet? She has? So, in other words, both my love interests’ significant others are misbehaving, and making me look gooooood. This must be my lucky day! Pull down your pants. I’m coming over.”
Klaus explains to Stefan that part of the Curse of the Five is that, when a vampire kills one of them, the dead hunters spirit haunts that vampire until he or she offs herself . . . you know, permanently. Klaus wants Stefan to lend him Elena to make sure she doesn’t rid the show of it’s main female protagonist. Stefan is understandably leery of his boyfriend’s promise. After all, we all know what happened the last time Klaus “borrowed,” Elena . . .
Unfortunately, for Stefan, Elena chooses this exact moment to mistake Damon for Dead!Connor. And, within minutes, the latter rushes right into Klaus’ waiting arms . . .
All of the sudden, this show just became one of those “zany” sitcoms, where the main character loses the kid he’s babysitting for, and has to go on all these CRAZY adventures, to find the kid, before The Parents get home . . .
A Christmas Carol – Mystic Falls Edition
Klaus locks Elena in one of those elegant-looking dungeons that all civilized super villains seem to have built into their homes. It’s there that Crazy!Elena starts morphing into Mystic Falls’ version of Ebenezer Scrooge. And just in time for the holidays!
We’ve already seen Elena be visited by the Ghost of Vampire Present, a.k.a Hot!Dead Connor. But now it’s time for Elena to get a glimpse into her vampire future, a.k.a Katherine. I have to say, though I was initially annoyed that the writers took the time to bring back Elena’s Vixen Doppelganger, only to have her be little more than a figment of Schizo!Elena’s warped imagination, I kind of enjoyed watching Nina Dobrev so expertly turn her own alter ego to mush, with some awesomely biting insults.
It’s hard being That Girl in the show or the movie, with whom all the hot supernatural creatures are madly in love, who always seems to need saving, and who is inadvertently responsible for most, if not all, of the untimely deaths in the series. Because, as much as female fans might want to be you, a lot of them will also want to shove pointy objects up your ass, or, at the very least, feed you lard, and make your face break out in lots of pimples. Just ask Bella Swan and Sookie Stackhouse . . .
So, while loving Vampire Diaries means, at least to some extent, loving Elena Gilbert, we all also hate her a little bit too. And the part of us that hates her, got a real kick out of hearing our complaints about the character emerge directly from the mouth of Katherine Petrova . . .
In which I hope Professor Boo Radley doesn’t end up being this Silas Guy (because then I won’t be able to call him Professor Boo Radley anymore) . . .
Our Scooby Gang always seems to be searching for some “cure,” don’t they? Just last week, they were hunting for a cure for vampirism, now they are seeking out a Cure for Crazy. Their Pal Bon-Bon suggests that Professor Boo Radley might be just the guy to give them the answers they are seeking.
Worst Show and Tell EVER!
For the second time this season, we are subjected to another one of Boo Radley’s boring lectures about the occult . . .
. . . except this one is about a seriously pissed-off dude named Silas, who literally lives under a rock. It also raises some questions. Could this Big Bad Silas guy be “the cure” to vampirism everyone is talking about? Is Professor Boo Radley his alter ego, a la Clark Kent and Super Man? Does this mean, I’m going to actually have to start listening to Professor Boo Radley, when he talks
instead of sleeping, or taking a bathroom break, because his words might actually be important to the show’s mythology? Man, I hope not . . .
As Matt cleverly pointed out, during his random chat with Damon at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls (Damon is still ordering drinks for Alaric, by the way. How adorable is that?) . . .
. . . anyone who knows anything in this town is just assumed creepy, until proven otherwise. And Professor Boo Radley sure does seem to know a lot about The Five. Not only was he IN CAHOOTS with Hot!Connor, he also seemed to have been IN CAHOOTS! with that wackadoodle Pastor Young from the premiere episode. Did I mention it was Professor Boo Radley, who conveniently clued in the rest of the Scooby Gang to the information they needed to secure Jeremy Gilbert’s status as a new vampire hunter?
Something smells fishy about Professor Boo Radley, and it’s not just all that gel he uses in his hair, or that his hippy dippy candlelit office probably reeks of patchouli. It’s something else . .. something BAAAAAAD . . .
In which we continue our trend of senselessly murdering hybrids, and Caroline takes her turn as the romantic lead . . .
Armed with the information they received about The Five, the Scooby Gang formulates a new two-pronged Save Elena plan. First, free her from Klaus clutches, with the help of no-longer-sired-to-Klaus-hybrid Chris. Then, get Jeremy to kill a vampire, thereby activating himself as a new member of The Five, and simultaneously breaking the hold DeadHOT! Connor has on Nutzo!Elena before she kills herself . . . again.
The first part seems like it should be easy. After all, with Scooby Gang sympathizer Chris guarding her door, all Stefan really has to do is walk right in and free Elena, right. Except, like I said, Stefan is the Worst Babysitter in the World!
So, of course, two minutes after Stefan walks through that dungeon door, Elena is all, “Stefan, when did you turn into a hot bald black man who’s trying to kill me? AHHHHHHHH!”
She runs out. And he loses her, AGAIN . . .
I know I shouldn’t be laughing at Stefan’s pain, and Elena’s psychoses, but I totally am . . .
Over at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Klaus flirts some more with Caroline. And she uses her feminine wiles to get the Original Hybrid on board with the Scooby Gang’s plan to “activate Jeremy” and “save Elena.”
Whether your Team Klaroline or Team Forwood, you have to admit, Candice Accola and Joseph Morgan are fun to watch on screen together. Their chemistry is just so different than the one that exists between Caroline and Tyler, that it makes this new love triangle, which could come off as stale or cliche with lesser actors, something fresh and interesting . . .
That said, I couldn’t have been the only one rolling my eyes, when Klaus told Caroline that if Tyler was still sired to him, the baby hybrid would never hurt the Vampire Barbie. REALLY? Says the guy who, just last season, used his sire bond to get Tyler to POISON CAROLINE WITH HIS SALIVA and almost kill her, just so Klaus could come to her rescue?
Here’s some advice, Klaus: when trying to woo your lady love, play toward your strengths: buying expensive jewelery and dresses, offering up exotic vacations, doing that panty-dropping smirk thing you do, drawing ponies . . .
Save the “Honorable Guy / Hero” stuff for your adversary, Tyler, because it just doesn’t work for you . . .
Shortly thereafter, in a scene that upset me more than I thought it would, Sort-of Anonymous Hybrid Chris runs into Klaus, just moments after helping Team Scooby and paving the way toward his freedom. The Original Hybrid stabs the poor guy, and then steps aside while Sweet Little Jeremy hacks off the head of yet another hybrid, in order to . . . wait for it . . . SAVE ELENA . . . the only difference is that, unlike the first one he killed, this one was genuinely a nice guy. Too bad the writers had to go and give him a name . . .
I know a lot of people were disappointed in Tyler for throwing that glass at the wall in anger, upon learning that, not only had he pretty much hand delivered his fellow pack member to certain death, but that Caroline agreed to go on a date with Klaus, in order to ensure that it would happen. But personally, I think that anger was kind of justified, under the circumstances. Old Season 1 Tyler probably would have broken a heck of a lot worse than a wine glass, had that happened to him . . .
In which Damon Salvatore saves the day (AND quotes an 80’s movie), all in the same hour!
Damon uses his expert knowledge of Elena to conclude that her wackadoodle self ran off to Wickory Bridge, i.e. “the place where it all began.” But before he can find her, we get a fun little scene where The Ghost of Elena’s Vampire Present (Hot!DEAD! Connor), and the Ghost of Elena’s Evil! Vampire Future (Missing! Vampire Katherine) team up with the Ghost of Elena’s Not-So-Vampire Past (Mommy!) team up for a fun little game I like to call “Get Elena to kill herself.”
Now, if Connor Ghost was creepy, and Katherine Ghost was intellectually satisfying, Mommy Ghost was just frigging hilarious, though, I suspect the last was not entirely intentional. Come on . . . the blank expression she had on her face . . . the Stepford Wife smile . . . her complete lack of irony, as she told Elena, “Hey, you were an awesome human daughter, but as a vampire, you suck. You should totally throw yourself off the bridge, honey, and join your underwater parents, whose corpses might still be there. It’s what a Good Daughter would do . . .
“Hmmm . . . I wonder what I’m having for dinner tonight. I’m so tired of fish.”
Dramatic music blares in the background, as Elena stares over the bridge, and THROWS AWAY HER SUNSCREEN RING . . .
Now, that’s just a waste of perfectly good jewelry, not to mention environmentally unsound. Just think about all the fish with insanely small heads who might choke on that ring . . .
Fortunately, Yummy Damon appears just moments after Jeremy chopped off Poor Chris’ head, thereby breaking the Suicide Spell on Elena FOREVER . . . or, at least, until the show comes up with another Spell That Puts Elena’s Life in Danger . . .
The two of them exchange A LOOK . . . you know, the one. It’s a look that says.
DAMON: “Hey sexy. I’m so glad your still dead, but not, you know . . . DEAD, DEAD.
I’d really like to have sex with you right here on this bridge, where you keep almost dying.”
ELENA: “Hey hot stuff. I’m so glad you came to see me at the exact same spot where I chose Stefan over you, and was punished for doing so by DYING.
Also, I’d really like to have sex with you right on this bridge, because why not?“
Then, the SUN COMES UP, which would normally be poignant and romantic . . . a metaphor for LIFE AND HOPE, except . . .
Well . . . this is a dead chick we’re talking about who just threw her sunscreen ring in river, so . . . OOPS.
Worry not, it’s Damon to the rescue! He grabs Elena, and jumps into the water with her like Superman, saving her supernatural jewelry, just like he saved her vervain necklace, back in the day.
Except, this time, Elena is SUPER APPRECIATIVE . . . so appreciative that when Damon comes to see her in her bedroom the following morning she . . . wait for it . . .
. . . fondles his . . . fingers.
DARN . . . so close, right? But wait . . . there’s more.
“It’s not you, it’s me . . . and my vampire sex urges for your older brother.”
Elena and Stefan have a heart to heart on the porch, after self-sacrificing brother extraordinaire Damon finally came clean to Elena about the whole “vampire cure” thing. But for those of us who assumed we’d be subjected to YET another Stelena makeup scene, BOY were we wrong. In a confession that literally caused my jaw to drop, Elena admitted to Stefan that her feelings for DAMON were growing stronger, and that she was not the same person with whom Stefan fell in love.
And in a confession that dropped my jaw further, Stefan AGREED.
And then, they BROKE UP!
Holy crap! For four years, Delena fans have been waiting for Elena to FINALLY recognize and give in to her romantic feelings for Damon. But we never expected it to happen like this . . . It all just seemed so . . .matter-of-fact?
In a way, it’s the perfect time for the writers to explore the Delena relationship. Not only does it give a nice nod to how Damon and Elena came together in the book series, it also makes sense. While Stefan’s adoration of Elena remains largely fixated on the person she was . . . Damon has shown her, time and time, again, this season, that he loves, not only the young woman she was, but also the vampire she’s becoming . . . His love is without condition or judgment.
It is accepting of Elena’s new-found impulses and flaws. And while Elena is learning to accept her new self, she needs to be with the kind of man who can accept her too . . .
If I had to express one gripe about the way all this went down, it would be that, in the context of the season, it seemed to come a bit out of left field. I mean, sure, Delena fans have all spent long hours analyzing scenes that show Elena fighting her unresolved passions for Damon. But if we are to believe now that Elena feels MORE passionate about Damon, since becoming a vampire, I would have liked to have seen a scene or two, before she made her confession, which illustrated this . . .
Because aside from that one that one scene at the frat party . . .
. . . and a very short scene, in which Elena appeared to be checking out Damon’s shlong, we haven’t really gotten much of that so far this season.
Then again, I strongly suspect that the best is yet to come. After all, anyone who’s ever had a secret crush knows that it’s when you actually verbalize it to your friends that it becomes the most real. Suddenly, those feelings are out there in the world, and “playing it cool.” is simply no longer an option.
Just in time for the Miss Mystic Falls pageant. . .
Until next time, Fangbangers!