Hiding in Plain Sight – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Save the Date”

“Hello?   Is anybody home?  Could somebody please turn on the lights?  I can’t see anything in here!  Now I know how Blind Jenna feels!” 

Welcome back, my Pretties!  How are you guys doing?  Have you been experiencing any aches and pains, lately?  Because, if you are, I have some GREAT cream for you to try!

I don’t know about you guys, but I think “A” reached a NEW low this week, at least, in terms of torturing our fabulous foursome.  (Whether “A” is, in fact, responsible for Ali and/or Creepy Pedo Ian’s death is another story entirely!)  Up until this point, I had always felt that the award for “Most Evil A Moment” belonged to “That Time When He or She RAN HANNA OVER WITH A CAR!”

As HORRIBLE as that was (and it was pretty awful), I would argue that what “A” did to Emily this week was WAY worse!  After all, I actually don’t think “A” smushed Hanna’s bottom half with the intent to KILL her.  (This is why the injuries she suffered, actually ended up being fairly minor.)  Rather, He/She/It merely wanted to scare the girls into silence by presenting a significant physical threat to one of them.

This week, however, by doping Emily’s pain meds with Human Growth Hormone (a.k.a. steroids) “A” was not only messing with Emily’s future as a professional athlete, “A” was messing with her LIFE.  Fortunately, Emily ended up only suffering an ulcer.  However, with the amount of cream she was using, and the vast amount of potential side effects, the result could have been WAY WORSE!

The stress of this show is going to drive me to drink, I swear! 

For shame, “A!”  For shame!

Oh, by the way . . . did I mention . . . WREN’S BACK!  WREN’S BACK!  WREN’S BACK!

Or should I say . . . DOCTOR HOT BUTT BRIT!

So, zip up that Candy Striper’s Uniform, and watch out for the “corpse” walking around with a blanket on its head, because it’s time for another Pretty Little Recap!

“She can’t hear us.  She’s BLIND!”

The first few minutes of this episode find our PLL girls huddled together in Spencer’s car, mere minutes after Spencer’s eerie encounter with that nefarious Police Boy Garrett.

As usual, the girls are doing their weekly recap for us, and waiting for Emily, who’s doing something with the alarm system in her house.  (Not that alarm systems help any, when Klepto Mike is creeping around.)

Oops!  Sorry Aria! 

Apparently, Aria gets offended, when you badmouth her bratty thief of a twerpy little brother.  Just ask Hanna!  Give her a break, Aria!  It’s not Hanna’s fault that your brother is so unlikeable, and has such an abnormally large head . . .

Just kidding!  But not really . . .

Conveniently, Police Boy Garrett pops up out of nowhere, just seconds after Emily arrives, and makes a beeline toward Jenna’s house.  What’s he DOING THERE?  F*&king a Blind Girl!  What else would he be doing?  Hmmm . . . I wonder.  Within seconds, the girls are on his tail, just steps behind him.  Hanna has big clunky shoes that make her sound like a stallion in heat, when she walks.  Spencer wants her to be quiet.  But Hanna reminds her that Blind Jenna won’t hear them, because she’s blind.

Yes, Spencer!  Your friends really ARE that stupid. 

When the girls arrive on the porch they are shocked to find Jenna at the window LOOKING RIGHT AT THEM!

But WAIT!  Blind Jenna ISN”T actually looking at the PLL’s because she’s blind.  She has no idea they are even there!  Rather, she is looking for Police Boy Garrett . . .

*insert porn music here*

 . . . and stripping for him .  . . and sucking his face . . . RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER OPEN BEDROOM WINDOW!

Riiiiiight, because THAT’S exactly where I would choose to tongue wrestle with a guy I DIDN’T WANT OTHER PEOPLE TO KNOW I WAS SECRETLY DATING . . . right out in the open . . . where anyone who happened to walk by could see me.  Because that’s SMART!

You know, now that I think about it, isn’t RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE WINDOW, where Blind Jenna made out with Abs Toby too?

Owwww!  My eyes!  *gag, vomit, puuuuke*

Do you think it’s like an Exhibitionist Thing, or something?  Is she simply looking for an opportunity to model her ugly ass, old lady sexy lingerie?  Maybe, since she can’t see, she no longer knows where the windows are in her own house?

All I know is, for week’s us PLL fans have all known that Blind Jenna enjoys bumping uglies with Police Boy Garrett.  Now, our fabulous foursome knows too!

Paging Dr. Hot Butt Brit!

Oh, Wren!  You and your sly use of foliage, as a thinly-veiled excuse to visit Spencer when she’s home alone . . . in hopes that you will eventually be able to wind your way back into her, still underaged, but “very mature” panties.  Feel free to bring random plants to my doorstep, anyday!

Spencer is chilling in her crib, alone, making the Spencer Face, just for the fun of it, when she hears a knock at the door.  Oh my!  Who on Earth could it be?  Is it Abs Toby?

Nope .  . .

Creepy Pedo Zombie Ian, back from the Dead?

Uh, uh . . .

Crazy Nanny Carrie Stefan Salvatore’s wife That Evil Wench, Melissa?

Guess again . . . IT’S WREN!

Wren stops by Spencer’s because he IS STILL HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE WITH SPENCER, YEAHHHH! wants to give that awful excuse for a human being Melissa some flowers.  But Melissa isn’t home YAYAYAYAYAYAY! so, aw shuck, I guess he will just have to flirt with Spencer in that beautiful British accent of his.

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Wren has some good news!  He just got a residency at Rosewood Community Hospital.  And you know what that means?  Lots of sex in the on-call room for Spencer and Wren!  Spencer, who, by the way, has NO GAME WHATSOEVER, would rather pepper Wren with questions about the Rosewood Community Hospital morgue, and whether or not she can use the records in there to find out how Alison died.  Blah, Blah, Blah!  I want more flirting, DAMMIT!

I would very much like to make out with you right now, but my stupid mouth won’t stop saying boring things about my Dead Friend . . . 

Not to be deterred, Wren asks Spencer for coffee, because he is KNACKERED.

Tee hee hee!  I love how he says the word “knackered.” 

 At which point, Spencer politely informs him that she is dating Abs Toby, and is only allowed to drink coffee with HIM, thank you very much!  In response, Wren offers an alternative: tea.  Because, apparently, in the U.K., getting coffee together means “serious relationship,” whereas getting “tea” just means sex.  Who knew?

Apparently, THIS GUY did . . .

Emily Gets Creamed . . .

Poor Emily!  While all the other PLL girls’ “troubles” this week, were of a romantic nature, Ms. Fields was stuck with “absentee parents,” an “absentee girlfriend”  (Seriously?  You would think Samara would AT LEAST make a cameo appearance at the hospital, considering the AWFUL shape her girlfriend was in.  LOVE INTEREST FAIL!) . . . not to mention a literal “pain in the neck,” one that traveled down to her stomach, and proceeded to rip her insides to shreds.  Geez!  Someone up there is pissed off at this girl.  (Perhaps, Heaven is filled with Maya fans?)

As a continuation of last week, a harried Emily continues to push herself physically and emotionally to the limit, in preparation for her Big Swim Meet, which the elusive Danby recruiter is supposed to attend.  I assume Emily figures that, if she can get a scholarship to Danby, for real, she will never have to tell her parents that the last one (the one that “A” sent on her behalf) was fake . . .

We find Emily in Hanna’s house first thing in the morning, doing sit-ups on the Marin floor.  (Watch out Emily, the MARIN’S probably had sex down there, last night?)  Like last week, we notice that Emily is in a lot of pain.  She keeps tugging on her arm and shoulders, and rubbing this pain cream, all over her body, like it’s her job.

(By the way, have you ever smelled that stuff?  It’s nasty . . . like what your dead great-grandfather would smell like, if, before he died, he lathered himself up with cheap cologne.  I don’t know how Hanna can stand being around her, the way she keeps lathering herself up with that stinkiness.)

Emily’s chilling at her locker, when who should pop by for a visit, but HER DAD . . . as in, the one who’s fighting for our country in Texas?!

“Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country . . . at your daughter’s swim meet.” 

Yeah, apparently the army has Daddy-o on a Super Secret Mission that allows for a stopover in Rosewood.  How convenient?  Dad tells Emily that, since he’s in town anyway, why not stick around and watch her Big Important Swim Meet?

To make matters even more frightening interesting, Emily’s dad keeps talking about MEETING the recruiter . . . you know the one who DIDN’T really give Emily a scholarship to his school.  So petrified excited is Emily about her father’s appearance that she CLUTCHES HER STOMACH AND FALLS ON THE FLOOR, WRITHING IN PAIN!

Uh . . . Emily, you’re supposed to save your swimming for the POOL. 

 Emily gets carted off to the hospital, where she’s looking pretty darn sickly.  (Kudos to the makeup department for this.)

As it turns out, Emily suffered an ulcer, which, as Hanna explains to us about 80 times during the hour, is, basically, a “hole in your stomach” that “only old people get.”  Way to be tactful, Hanna!

*sings*  “There’s a hole in your stomach, Dear Emily, Dear Emily . . . There’s a hole in your stomach, Dear Emily, a HOLE!” 

Given all that has happened in the past couple of weeks, Emily reluctantly decides, once and for all, to tell her parents the truth about the fake scholarship letter from Danby . . . a decision, she knows will ultimately result in a coach class ticket back to Texas.  This, of course, draws sad faces all around from her pals.  EMILY!  You can’t go to Texas!  There are Republicans there! 🙂

But the PLL girls aren’t the ONLY ones interested in paying a visit to the bedridden Emily.  Guess who else stops by?

Hmmm . . . is it Maya, back from De-Gaying camp?

Nope.

Is it Little Orphan Bitchy?

Uh uh . . .

How about Possible Fatal Attraction Samara?

Still no.   *cough Bad Girlfriend cough*

IT’S WREN AGAIN! YAYYYYYYY!

Unfortunately, Wren has some bad news for Emily.  Apparently, her blood tests showed high levels of HGH in her system, a.k.a Human Growth Hormone, a.k.a. STEROIDS, a.k.a. Emily sure has a lot of explaining to do!

Of course, if Emily WAS taking “performance enhancers,” we, the viewers, would have known about it, wouldn’t we?  I mean this is, ABC Family, after all.  We would have gotten a whole After School Special sort of lecture on the dangers of drugs (most likely followed by a cheesy PSA, and the telephone number for a STEROIDS SUCK hotline, of some sort).  We didn’t get that here, which means Emily is most likely innocent of all “doping”  . . .

But wait . . . if Emily didn’t take the drugs herself, how did they get in her system?

More on that later.  For now, Emily’s going to have to deal with the fact that NO ONE IS EVER GOING TO BELIEVE that she, a promising young athlete with a scholarship on the line, just so happened to ACCIDENTALLY take drugs to ENHANCE HER PERFORMANCE in the days leading up to a Big Important Swim Meet.  Do you see where I am going with this?

As if Hanna’s descriptions of her innards, worries over NEVER BEING ABLE TO SWIM AGAIN, and fears that her PARENTS WILL KILL HER WHEN THEY FIND OUT SHE’S A ROID RAGING ADDICT, aren’t enough to kill Emily’s appetite, get a load of what they call hospital food in this dump!

Get it .  . “cream”!  Hard de har har . . .

 That’s right, my Pretties!  Remember that scene, at the end of last week’s episode in which the infamous Gloved Hand filled a syringe with a substance known as BD7?

Well, now we know what it was, and what she ended up doing with it.  It kind of makes you think twice about where you put your body lotion . . . if you catch my drift.

I have to say, this is yet another situation where “A’s” motive for doing what she did to Emily is completely unclear to me.  If Emily never ended up in the hospital, it could be argued that the drugs in her system would never have been discovered.  In fact, there’s a good chance, Emily would have performed so well at the meet, that the Danby coach ended up giving her that scholarship anyway.  So, was “A,” in her own sick way, trying to HELP Emily?  Or did she KNOW that Emily would end up in the hospital from all the cream she was using (a bit unrealistic, don’t you think), and was seeking to ruin her swimming career, and possibly, kill her?  The verdict is still out on this one folks . . .

Once again, “A” reiterates her desire to get out of Rosewood, and hang out with George W. Bush in Texas.  “A is bringing us all down, one by one . . . Aria is probably next,” Emily complains.

“Can we ALL go to Texas?”  Aria inquires nervously.  (I hate to break it to you LITTLE A, but Emily kind of has a point.  When it comes to “A’s” torture methods, she’s been kind of slacking on you!)

But Spencer is not giving up without a fight!  She wants to finish this thing, and send “A” packing for good.  (Sure, you say that now Spencer, but what about when “A” gives you a nasty case of irritable bowel syndrome . . .)

Oh, look . . . I’ve made them both mad .  . . 

Now, for those of you gullible people who were ACTUALLY worried about Emily skipping town, A.K.A. leaving the show, you can breathe easy.  Cue the 8:53 quick fix problem solution, in the form of Dad saying that Emily doesn’t need no STINKIN’ scholarship.  The Fields will find a way to work, with swimming or without.  Except, it’s looking more and more, like it’s going to be “without” . . . just sayin’ . . .

Aria Gets BORED . . . (and Mike Gets . . . meh . . . I don’t really care about Mike.)

Those of you who have spent the last few weeks crying in your cornflakes over the notion that we may never again be able to watch Aria make pottery again, after her unfortunate run-in with Blind Jenna, a few weeks back (You know who you are! ;)) can rest easy now.  This episode finds Artsy Aria at Random Fake College Hollis, applying blue glaze paint to a SUPER large bowl.

(What a coincidence?  This is the color Fitzy’s balls are about to be in about five minutes!  Talk about “FORESHADOWING!”)

Speaking of Professor Fitzy, he pops by the studio, clearly hoping for a Quickie.  He’s so turned on right now, it’s a wonder he managed to keep his clothes on during the trip over.  But Aria seems a bit .  . . distracted.  “Can we, do this later?” She asks.  (Oooh . .  . that is NOT good, Fitzy!  Not good AT ALL!)

So, Fitzy, not one to be easily discouraged, pulls out a copy of his trusty “Seduction for Dummies” book, and starts tossing out pickup lines from it, like they are going out of style.

The only problem, of course, is that the version of “Seduction for Dummies” Fitzy is using is apparently from 1995.  How else would you explain his dropping a Ghost reference in there?  Doesn’t he realize that movie came out a at least a good FOUR YEARS before Aria was even BORN?  Way to date yourself, Buddy . . .

Fortunately, for Fitzy (or, perhaps, unfortunately) depending on how you look at it, Aria has somehow seen this movie (Maybe she watched from the womb?).  The problem, of course, is that Aria doesn’t find the notion of a MURDERED BOYFRIEND possessing Whoopie Goldberg, in order to seek vengeance on his killers, all that romantic . . . (Gee, I wonder why?)

In Fitzy’s defense of course, I’ve caught the Infamous Pottery Making Scene from the movie on cable a few times, and it IS pretty hot . . . if you go for “that sort of thing” . . .

If the dated Ghost reference was Strike One, Strike Two is when Fitzy swoons over a piece of pottery he THINKS is Aria’s handiwork, but it actually ends up being . . . wait for it . . . Blind Jenna’s . . .

“Oops!  Umm . . . yours is nice too, sweetie .  . . really!” 

Remember, back last season, when Fitzy randomly became OBSESSED with Blind Jenna’s writing, and how “sublimely talented she was?”  Yeah, he’s doing it again . . . and Aria doesn’t like it any more THIS time, than she did back then .  . .

Also, I’m sorry, but that piece of pottery Jenna made  . . . with all the little bullet-hole things in it . . . not only is TOTALLY non-functional (Can you imagine trying to put liquid in that thing?), it is also UGLY with a capital “U”!  I thought you had better taste than that Fitzy?  Seriously!

Of course, had Fitzy let the matter drop, right there, he probably would have saved himself a strike.  BUT THEN .  . . he has to start nagging Aria again about why she isn’t friends with Jenna.  Really, Fitzy?  Does the term brother-f*&ker mean anything to you?  An already aggravated Aria (and, lets face it, she’s had a stick up her but throughout this entire scene), grouchily tells Fitzy that Jenna dropped the class, after learning that Aria was enrolled.  So, no, they won’t be braiding eachother’s hair or having sex with eachother’s brothers painting eachother’s toenails, anytime soon.

“This is the part where I stab you in the face, and blood spews all over my ugly holey ceramic cup.”

Fitzy earns his final strike by letting the green monster rear it’s ugly head.  He asks about what happened with Klepto Mike the night of the dinner party.  And Aria is clearly hesitant to reveal her little brother for the lowlife he is.  When Aria admits to being ashamed of the fact that her brother is the Town Sticky Fingers, Fitzy sweetly reminds her that she doesn’t have to be embarrassed about anything around him.

“Throw me a bone here, will ya?  I’m TRYIN’!” 

But when Aria lets it slip that Klepto Mike was caught stealing at Facelift Jason’s house, warning bells go off in the Professor’s little brain.  “So, THAT’s what you two were talking about at the party, Fitzy says, beginning to piece things together.  “Should I be worried about this Jason Guy?”  Fitzy inquires, finally mustering up the courage to ask the question that’s clearly been on his mind ever since he saw those two with their heads pressed together on that Fateful Night.

“Hell, yes, you should!  Don’t you know that EVERY SINGLE MALE CHARACTER that gets introduced on this show, eventually ends up as a love interest for ONE of the girls?   Remember what happened with Bushy Eyebrows Noel?  Where have you been, Fitzy?  WHAT?  NO!”  Aria sputters defensively, though the thoughtful look on Aria’s face, after Fitzy leaves (He asked her to stop by his place for sex, and she promptly shot him down) said something VERY different.

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Aria blows off Fitzy, once again, when the latter arrives at the hospital, to check on her, while she is visiting Emily.  During the increasingly cold and awkward conversation, Aria conveniently gets a call from Facelift Jason (Doesn’t she always, during moments like this?)  and lies through her teeth about who’s calling her.

Uh oh!  If I were you, I’d keep Wacky Jackie’s number on speed dial, Fitzy.  Because it looks like you may very well have been at least temporarily replaced  . . .

In other news, Klepto Mike indicated to his mother that he MIGHT be stealing from everyone in town, because BOO HOO WOO, she moved out of the house for two days, and then moved back . . . And WAHHHHHH, it’s SO HARD coming from an upper-middle class attractive family that loves you, and sdlkfjsd;lkjjjjj . . . Sorry!  That was my head hitting the keyboard.  I just fell asleep, while typing this . . .

“So .  . . Mike . . . is your head naturally that large, or did you steal one of those new Brain Inflation Devices from one of the houses you robbed.”

Hanna’s Dad Gets Dumped .  . . (But HEY!  At least, he still has his fiance!)

After the Drunken Staircase Hump Heard ‘Round the Marin Household, Ma and Pa Marin, apparently, screwed eachothers’ mid-life crisis having brains out made a “night” of it.

Because, the next morning, Papa Marin — complete with rumbled suit, bloodshot eyes, hangover face, and bedhead — makes the long Walk of Shame down the steps.

And though he clearly tries to avoid doing so at all costs Nice DAD!  Real NICE!, he is forced to make small talk over breakfast with his daughter.

Emily and Hanna are sporting matching, “We know you just had sex” faces . . .

. . . while a definitely worse for wear Papa Marin simply tries to keep from puking in his Cheerios.  Then, as if things couldn’t get more awkward, who should come down the steps but Little Miss Screws A lot, herself, Mama Marin . . .

After the adults make some mumbled excuse as to why the entire house was vibrating last night, Mama notes wryly that Papa is up a bit early this morning, considering how obviously sh*tfaced drunk he was the night before.  Papa leers seductively at Mama, and tells him that it must have been his desire to avoid running into his daughter his “human body clock .”  “Somethings you just can’t turn off,” says Papa, casting a lewd sex stare in Mama’s direction.    Now, please excuse me, while I go vomit . . .

OK . .  . I’m back.

You’ve Got Mail, Hanna Marin!  And guess what it is?  It’s a Save the Date card for your DAD’S wedding to a woman who is not your Mom!  AWK-WARD!

I hate to say it, but that’s a GORGEOUS invitation.  The “Other Woman” has great taste (in invitations . . . not in men . . . because she chose Hanna’s dad . . . And he’s a total douche.) 

That afternoon, Mr. Relentless Sexpot STILL has the gall to put the moves on Mom, right in the middle of her talking to him about EMILY’S ULCER!  (ASSHAT!)  Mama Marin wins major cool points from fellow members of her sex,  by telling Tommy Boy that she deserves a man who knows what he wants, and that was NEVER PAPA MARIN.  She then kicks the Loser Who Still Somehow Spawned an Awesome Child, like Hanna to the curb . . . GOOD RIDDENS to BAD DAD’S, I SAY!

But Hanna was kind of bummed out about it, when she found out.  (His sperm did help create her, after all.)  Fortunately, Caleb was there to give her a little TLC, when she needed it most . . .

Speaking of resident “BAD BOY” Caleb . . .

Caleb Gets Stalked (and Hanna Gets SOME) . . .

I have to say, I was skeptical of this storyline when it first began.  At first, it sort of seemed like a continuation of last week’s “Help, I’m in Love with a Criminal” melodrama.   And yet, by the end the story took a turn that I have to admit was quite original, and intriguing.

It started lame though . . . with Hanna, once again spying Caleb outside of the school doing “something shady.”

“So, here are those haircare tips you asked me for.  Just wash, rinse, and repeat.  And you should be just fine.”

But the plot thickens, when Hanna finds and oldish dude stalking Caleb, while staring at his police report . . .

“He really does have spectacular hair . . . so much BODY and SHINE!’ 

Who is this guy, anyway?  Is he part of Caleb’s old GANG?  Is he a police officer who specializes in hair theft the illegal pimping out of phones?  Hanna isn’t sure.   But she knows she doesn’t want to see her boy toy in trouble.   So, she tries to subtly warn him not to do . . . whatever the heck it is he actually does in public, where the whole school and Stalker Guy can see him.

Unfortunately for Hanna, Caleb just assumes his girlfriend is being a Big Ole Judgmental  Nag.  So, he snaps, explaining how he’d rather pimp out phones than pimp out his body to Aunt Jenna flip burgers at the local Mickey D’s.  He then stomps off, leaving Hanna looking sad, and more than a bit worried about her boyfriend’s future as the “picker upper soap in a prison shower . . .”

At the hospital, while visiting Emily, Spencer somehow manages to get Hanna to spill the beans about what’s going on between her and Caleb.  Hanna admits that she hasn’t told him about the “cop” following him, because she is afraid that, if he finds out, he will run, and she will “lose him again.”  HELLO?  SELFISH MUCH?  Spencer sets Hanna straight, informing him that the minute Caleb gets picked up by the Po Po, is forced to don an orange jumpsuit, and shower with a bunch of other dudes, with names like Bubba and Sweet Tits, she’s pretty much lost him, anyway . . .

“Gee, thanks, Debbie Downer!  Since when did you start watching reruns of Oz.” 

In what might have been the Biggest Overreation of a PLL Character Ever, Hanna randomly decides to dress up like a character from Mad Men (or Blind Jenna, whichever you prefer), kidnap Caleb, and whisk him off to one of Spencer’s parents MANY abandoned homes, which seem to just pop up around Rosewood like the Chicken Pox (Wealthy much?)

At the Abandoned House, Hanna confronts Caleb with the news that he is being stalked / followed.   And he promises her that, no matter what happens, he’s not going to go on the lam, and skip town again . . .

Hanna further makes him promise that if he DOES decide to leave, he take Hanna along, since she is so great at HOT TENT SEX

. . . camping.

They decide to make out on the couch, as the camera focuses on a fire similar to the one where Papa Hastings burnt Ali’s murder weapon to a crisp.  How romantic!

Sweet, huh?  But the REAL twist to this story comes at the end, when Hanna confronts Caleb’s stalker, and tells him to leave her boyfriend alone.  As we learn later, the “stalker” is not a cop at all, rather, he’s a Private Investigator for SOMEONE who wants to reach out to Caleb again (most likely a biological parent).

(It just goes to show you that no good deed goes unpunished, right Hanna?)

All kidding aside, I’m very eager to see where this storyline will take us . . .

Spencer Gets a Clue (and a Corpse?)

At school, Police Boy Garrett intercepts Spencer, wondering why she ran off on him, like she did, the night she received Aria’s text.

Seeing Police Boy not-so-subtly try to figure out what Spencer knows makes me understand why he “gets along so well” with Blind Jenna.  I mean, this guy is a SERIOUSLY socially awkward creeper . . . from his insanely bad jokes . . . to his serial killer smile . . . to his constant invasion of personal space.  You can’t really blame Spencer for treating him like a leper, and not wanting to be near him, especially considering where that mouth has BEEN.

You know . . . they say that when you sleep with someone, you are actually sleeping with EVERY SINGLE PERSON that person slept with.  I wonder if the same theory applies to kissing.  Because, if so, Spencer has theoretically kissed both Blind Jenna AND Garrett . .  . think about it.

In a parked police car, somewhere in Rosewood, Blind Jenna and PoliceBoy Garrett are engaged in a conversation they SHOULD have had, the night before, back when they were sucking face in front of an audience.  Both parties seem worried that Spencer might know something about who actually killed Ali.  They seem particularly perturbed by Spencer’s inquiry as to whether a WOMAN did it.  They wonder if Spencer knows about the “Jason” thing, but assume that she does not.

The tenor of the conversation sort of makes it seem like Jenna killed Ali, Garrett helped her to cover it up, and Jason, was there somewhere, to wasted to be a reliable witness.  Of course, the fact that this SEEMS like the most obvious answer to the mystery, probably means that it’s not the answer at all.

*sigh* “Everything with Garrett is SO complicated!  I should  really go back to just f*&king my brother.” 

After Spencer checks in on Emily and her Massive Stomach Hole, she attempts to sneak down to the morgue, and commit a felony, by rifling through Dead Ali’s autopsy report.

The problem, of course, is that Dr. Hot Brit intercepts her for a Greys Anatomy Elevator Moment . . .

“Oh, Spencer . . . sex in the elevator with a REAL doctor is HOT STUFF!  Just sayin’!  Don’t knock it, until you’ve tried it!  Your boyfriend will never have to know which reminds me, WHERE IS ABS TOBY?  Isn’t he Emily’s friend too?  Shouldn’t he be there?  What gives, TOB?“

Having had a chance to look at Emily’s admittance charts, Wren assumes that Spencer is headed to see Emily, when, in fact, she has already seen her.  In fact, when Spencer tries to sneak down to the morgue, it is WREN that reroutes her back to the third floor.   NAUGHTY WREN!  You spoiled Spencer’s plan.  You deserve a SPANKING!  Please . . . allow ME. . . 😉

Not willing to be foiled again, Spencer gets the “brilliant” idea that she and Aria should steal candy striper uniforms from the laundry room (Ew!  I hope they were clean!) . . .

. . . so that they could sneak into the morgue.  Riiiiight, because candy stripers ALWAYS work in the morgue.  After all, if anyone needs candy and young hot girls in short skirts joy, it’s THE DEAD!

We learn quite a few things from Spencer’s and Aria’s little morgue field trip:

(1) Rosewood Hospital hasn’t experienced any technological advances since the movie Ghost came out.  We know this because Ali’s autopsy is just “hanging out” in a folder, as oppposed to . . . I don’t know . . . on a computer . . . with a security system . . . or even in a friggin lock box, I mean GEEZ!

(2) Apparently, not that many people have died in Rosewood since 2007, because ALL OF THOSE people’s autopsies fit in that TEENY TINY CABINET.

(3) Ali was hit on the back of the head by an object that may or may not have been a hockey stick.

(4) She also died with dirt in her mouth, which may or may not mean that she enjoyed eating dirt was BURIED ALIVE!

The problem, of course, is that all that information was found on the first FOUR pages of the autopsy.  Because Page 5 is .  . . MISSING!

The final scene of the episode is arguably the BEST final scene in PLL history.  It features some creepy janitor guy eating a cookie .  . . and . .  . THIS . . .

Mwah-hahaha!

That’s right, my Pretties!  Apparently Creepy Pedo Ian isn’t the ONLY zombie on this show . . .

And, there you have it.  That was “Save the Date” in a nutshell.  Though I can’t say it was my favorite episode, the hospital setting gave it a dark, eerie feel, that was a nice change of pace from the typical “perky bedroom and kitchen” sets we typically see on this show.  Additionally, I must say I was rather impressed with Shay Mitchell’s acting this week.  This was arguably Emily’s most complex storyline to date, and she handled it brilliantly.

Oh, and there was WREN . . . lots and lots of WREN!  Keep bringing on the Dr. Hot Butt Brit PLL writers. 😉  Mommy like . . . A LOT!

Based on the Much Music trailer, next week’s episode promises, among other things, a steamy bedroom makeout sesh between Aria and Facelift Jason (Dream Sequence?),weird body part photography, and plenty of Spencer Face to go around.  You can check it out, in its entirety here:

Until then, try to stay out of the morgue, My Pretties!  And, for heaven sakes, keep an eye on your CREAM! 🙂

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

It’s a Nice Day for a Blue Tracksuit Dress Wedding! – A Recap of Glee’s “Furt”

Is it just me, or would Sue’s “wedding dress” look fabulous with a pair of those sneakers Steve Martin made for his daughter in that “Father of the Bride” movie?

 

Do you LOVE weddings?  Does the mere sight of taffeta and lace make you go gooey?  Do you weep with joy, every time you receive a calligraphy-adorned envelope in the mail, with your name on it?  If so, this was the Glee episode for YOU!  After all, this week’s installment of Glee offered not one, but TWO weddings!

Despite the episode’s title suggesting otherwise, Kurt and Finn didn’t actually marry one another, during Furt 😦 . . .  

Well . . . actually .  . . one wedding, and one rehearsal.  But still, you’ve got to admit, that’s a whole lot of HOLY NUPTIAL for a single hour of television!

As for those of you who HATE weddings . . . well, at least you got to watch a couple of guys beat the crap out of one another . . .

I mean, that’s gotta count for something, right?

And so, without further adieu, what do you say we strap on those high heels, pick up that bouquet, and get ready for that long slow saunter down the aisle?  (But since it’s a Glee Wedding, that “long slow saunter” will be more like a cheesy skip-hop, performed while waving streamers in the air, to the tune of a Bruno Mars song.)

Wheeeeeeeee!

An Indecent Proposal

“Ohhhh, Indecent!  Sounds kinky!”‘

Question:  What is the LEAST romantic location for a marriage proposal? 

If you answered in a high school classroom that reeks of chalk and body odor, you are clearly not part of the Hummel family!  The episode begins with Kurt’s Super-Adorable-I-Just-Want-To-Pinch-His-Cheeks-Every-Time-He’s-On-Screen Daddy, and Finn’s Ridculously Sweet Mommy invading McKinley High.

 (Is there no security at McKinley High?  So, basically, anybody could just waltz into this school, without so much as a “full body scan” or a groin-groping pat down?)

Principal Sylvester FAIL!

Anyway, Happy Couple, Burt and Carol, arrive at school to share some good news with Kurt and Finn.  Apparently, Burt just proposed to Carol in the SAME SCHOOL CLASSROOM WHERE THEY FIRST MET!  How lame romantic!  As luck would have it, the duo need to be married by the end of the week.  (Did anybody else get a whiff of Shotgun Wedding from this scene?  Because I did!)

Mini Kurt: Coming Soon to a Glee near you?

Since Burt has already spent  his life savings satisfying Kurt’s endless requests for Barbara Streisand tickets and designer hats, the couple wants to “save their money for  the honeymoon,” Burt and Carol cannot afford a wedding planner or a real band.  And, so, they hire the next best things . . .

Wedding Planner Kurt . . .

and . . .

Wedding Band, New Directions.

Upon hearing  that he has been given the opportunity to create the Poor Person’s Version of Wedding of his Childhood Dreams, Kurt becomes so ecstatic, that he stops spitting out little pink purses every time he speaks . . .

 . . . and starts puking veils, rings, and something blue?

Marital Masturbation?

There is a difference between “loving yourself,” and “LOVING YOURSELF,” if you catch my drift  . . .

When we first see Sue, she has just learned that her ex-boyfriend, Smarmy News Anchor, Rod Randall, is going to marry his Prissy-80’s hair wearing co-anchor.  “You are going to die alone,” 80’s Hair sweetly tells Sue.

 

80’s Hair’s comment about the prospect of Sue dying alone clearly impacts the Cheerios’ coach.  And so, our favorite track-suit wearing diva decides to take action . . . by doing something that will ABSOLUTELY ensure that her rival’s prediction will come true.  (Hey, if you can’t beat em,’ join em’ right?).  Sue makes a proposal of marriage to the ONLY person genetically capable of putting up with her unique brand of Crazy.  HERSELF!

Like Burt and Carol before her, Sue seems to be in a major rush to get herself to the altar.  Invitations are hastily drafted, and sent out into the world . . .

One of those invitations goes to Sue’s mother, a woman named Doris, who looks suspiciously like Carol Burnett.

The resemblance is uncanny . . .

Apparently, Doris has been so busy “Nazi” hunting, that she hasn’t had time to do insignificant little things like . . . oh . . .  raising her two daughters.  And so, because this is Glee, Mama Sylvester does what every cast member on this show does, when they want to justify being an MAJOR A**hole to the people around them  . . . she sings about it. 

The only difference is that, rather than sing a cool song, Mama Sylvester sings a lame one entitled  “Ohio,” with Sue chiming in for the two-part harmony. Personally,  I would have preferred something a little snappier like “Mama Mia,” or “Mama, I’m Coming Home,” or “She’s a Bad Mama Jama,” or “Mama Said Knock You Out,” or . . . well . . . any song aside from “Ohio.”  But, hey, you can’t get everything you want in this world, right?

At the “wedding rehearsal,” a very unsupportive Doris says so many AWFUL things about Sue, and her life choices, that Sue actually ends up disinviting her from the wedding!  Now Sue will not only be the bride, groom, and officiant at her own wedding, she will also have to be the MOTHER OF THE BRIDE!  Gee, I wonder who’s going to end up catching the bouquet?  Sue?  Sue?  Or Sue?

This is Sue Sylvester’s world.  The rest of us are just living in it . . .

Well, Bully for YOU!

Sue wasn’t the only cast member coping with a MAJOR A**hole this week.  Kurt barely had time to rejoice over the fact that he was FINALLY, after 16 long years, going to get to be . . .

 . . . when that Mean Ole Bastard, Karofsky, is all up in his grill, and snatching his bride and groom cake toppers right out of his hand, just because he can.

Will, who witnesses the Great Cake Topper Massacre firsthand, accompanies a clearly traumatized Kurt to Principal Sue’s office, where she does a surprisingly good job playing the role of school administrator.

I KNOW!  Crazy, right?

As it turns out, Sue, was also bullied quite a bit, back when she was in high school.  So, she is surprisingly sympathetic to Kurt’s plight.  And yet without proof that Karofsky has committed any actual physical violence to Kurt (beyond just pushing him into a locker and raping his face, with gross slobbery Neanderthal kisses), Sue’s hands are tied.  However, the new principal promises Kurt that the minute Karofsky lays a hand on Kurt, or anyone else at the school, for that matter,, he will be immediately expelled. 

On the way out of the meeting, Kurt callls issue with Sue’s repeated insistence on calling him “lady.”  “That’s bullying too,” Kurt explains matter-of-factly.

“A Bully?  Moi?”

 “As an apology, I’ll allow you to choose from the following nicknames: Gelfling, Porcelain or Tickle-Me-Doughface,” Sue concedes. 

(Yeah, I didn’t know what the f*ck a Gelfling was either.  But, according to Google images, they look like this . . .)

Kurt ultimately decides to go with Porcelain.  Although I, like Sue, would have much preferred “Tickle-Me Doughface.”

Clearly, Tickle Me Elmo agrees .  . .

Behind Every Great Man there’s an Even Greater (and sometimes much more annoying) Woman . . .

Upon hearing about the HORROR that was Great Cake Topper Massacre, Rachel commandeers Quinn, Brittany, and Tina to help Kurt.  “All of us have boyfriends on the football team,” Rachel explains.

Wait . . . Mike Chang is on the football team?  Brittany is ACTUALLY dating Artie?  How did I not know ANY of this?

Rachel’s master plan is for the girls to deny their “boyfriends” sex, until they agree to beat up Karofsky on Kurt’s behalf.  The only problem is that Rachel doesn’t put out.  So, her boyfriend, Finn, sits back and gets his toenails done while, “Rising Star of Popularity” Sam, along with Mike and Artie, do the dirty work, in the coolest, most disturbing, and unintentionally hilarious Boys Locker Room Fight Scene Ever!

Mike (apparently he IS on the football team!) Chang and Artie are up first.  They defend Kurt’s honor, by exchanging constipated facial expressions with Karofsky.  But then Karofsky PUSHES OVER ARTIE’S WHEELCHAIR!

OK .  . . now that’s just friggin EVIL!

So, in steps Alpha Male Macaulay Culkin Sam to SAVE THE DAY, by kicking Karofsky’s closeted ASS!

Oh, don’t worry, Macauley!  Your doppelganger is OK.  He just got a black eye.

And besides, Quinn found out what Sam did for Kurt, and she’s actually wearing his promise ring now . . .

You know what that means, don’t you?  Sam is TOTALLY going to get laid NOW!

EXPULSION!

Burt Hummel is at the school again (see what I mean about the lack of security!), taking wedding dance lessons from Kurt and Terrible Dancer Finn, when Karofsky pops by and “limp wrists” Kurt.  Burt sees this happen, and quickly figures out that Kurt is being bullied by this D-bag.  So, Burt PUSHES KAROFSKY INTO A LOCKER AND THREATENS TO BEAT THE STUFFING OUT OF HIM!

Then, Karofsky’s dad, Doc Arzt from Lost I thought he died in a plane crash! is called to the school to explain his son’s bullying ways.

“The smoke monster made him do it.”

Arzt admits that Karofsky’s been acting out a bit of late.  And when Sue expels the Douche for terrorizing Kurt and BEATING UP ON POOR ARTIE, Arzt seems to accept his son’s fate, at least at first . . .

“Marry YOU!”

Burt and Carol’s nuptials had EVERYTHING a Wedding Fangirl could ask for:  tear-jerking speeches, dancing, glitz and glam – THE WORKS! 

The wedding featured not one .  . . not two . . . but THREE musical numbers!  The first was a dance down the aisle to the Glee kids cover of “Marry You.”  The cover, though admittedly cheesy (I could have done without the bad down-the-aisle YouTube video inspired dancing and the streamers), was pretty awesome! 

Next came Will Schuester’s cover of Michael Buble’s version of that classic pre-sex song, “Sway.”  Although, it wasn’t the best version of the song I’ve seen, how could you not LOVE the image of a Pre-Sex Schuester?

But it was the third song that REALLY put the icing on the Wedding Cake that was this episode.  In it, Finn pays tribute to his new brother, Kurt.  In doing so, he officially forms the new holy union of “Furt” — a union that will hereby join the “Power Couple” ranks of Finchel, Puckleberry, Squinn, Mina, Bartie, and whatever other random couple Glee decides to make up in the future! 

 “No one has showed me, as much as you, what it means to be a man.  From now on, I’ve got your back,”  explains a teary-eyed Finn.  It’s about damn time, You Lazy Stepbrother, YOU!  Finn then breaks into yet another Bruno Mars hit.  This one is the super sweet, “Just the Way You Are.”

Speaking of Finn, did I mention he loves Rachel too much to tell her he actually DID have sex with Santana, while the pair was on a break — even though doing so might make him more popular?

Oh yeah, that decision is going to TOTALLY end up biting him in the ass later . . .

Kurt abandons McKinley, heads to Hogwarts Dalton

Back at school, Kurt is about to receive some bad news from Principal Sue.  As it turns out, the school board dismissed her decision to expel Karofsky.  (She has resigned in protest.  Welcome back, Principal Figgins.)

“Come on!  Don’t act surprised!  You guys knew it was only a matter of time . . . I’m still on contract with Glee for 8 more episodes!”

But with Karofsky still at the school, ready to terrorize Kurt at a moments notice , Kurt no longer feels safe at McKinley.  And so, conveniently, just in time for next week’s Sectionals Extravaganza.  Kurt’s Pa and Step Ma use all their “Honeymoon Money” That must have been one HUGE HONEYMOON they were planning, because private schools are FRIGGIN EXPENSIVE  to transfer Kurt to a school, where there is a No Tolerance Against Bullying Policy — a school where boys don’t use their fist; they proudly sing, prance, and play with wands . . . Hogwarts School of Wizardry Dalton Academy!

Killing Voldemort, one show tune at a time . . .

(Note: Kurt STILL hasn’t outed Karofsky for kissing him, which he REALLY SHOULD, especially since he isn’t planning on returning to the school.   It would serve that closeted Asshat RIGHT!)

You know what this means, don’t you?  Kurt is going to be a Dalton Academy WARBLER!  And the Warbler’s are AGAINST New Directions at sectionals!

Be afraid, fellow Gleeks!  Be VERY AFRAID!

[www.juliekushner.com]

“A Rose by Any Other Name . . .” – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Rose”

Wow!  This has been a FABULOUS week for me and my favorite TV Relation “Ships.”  First, on Monday’s Gossip Girl, Chuck and Blair FINALLY put aside their differences (well . . . sort of), and engaged in a session of HOT HATE SEX . . .

 Then, tonight, on The Vampire Diaries, Damon FINALLY told Elena he loved her, and then proceeded to make the ultimate sacrifice for her: that of his own happiness.

This all just makes me SO HAPPY!  And you know what it makes me want to do?  It makes me want to DANCE!

But enough about ME, we’re here to talk about Elena .  . . and “Rose” . . .

The Rise and Fall of a Masked Avenger

When we last left Elena, she was being carted away by  . . . well . . . Whatever the Heck This is . . .

In the first few moments of the episode, Masked Avenger Dude reveals himself to be a rather furry man — one who bears a startling resemblance to This Guy . . .

Please, Carrot Top Doppelganger, put the mask BACK ON!

NotCarrotTop drives an unconscious Elena to a deserted field.  Once there, he parks his black van next to another one, completely identical to it.  When NotCarrotTop approaches the other vehicle, a voice from behind its half open window instructs him to transfer Elena from the trunk of the first car, into the backseat of the second.

NotCarrotTop, possibly under compulsion, performs the simple task, but is then moronic enough to ask The Voice if he requires any further assistance.  The Voice tells NotCarrotTop to come closer.  And NotCarrotTop, who has clearly NEVER read Little Red Riding Hood, as a child, complies . . . and dies.

With all the expedience of a patron at the drive thru at McDonald’s, The Voice (who we later learn is named “Trevor”) devours NotCarrotTop completely, without EVER HAVING TO OPEN HIS CAR DOOR!

Now THAT’S what I call “fast food.”  Can I, perhaps, interest you in a wet napkin for your face?

Meanwhile, back in Mystic Falls, Mini Gilbert has just learned that Elena never came home from the Masquerade Ball the night before.  He’s not worried though . . .

“Go ELENA!  Getting some nooky from STEFAN!  Wait a minute . . . did I just congratulate my sister on having sex?  Yuck!  Who the hell do I think I am, Aunt Jenna?”

Tyler’s a Tool (but he’s growing on us . . .)

Over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome (at least, I think that’s where they were – though it very well may have been Caroline’s house . . .), Damon and Caroline discuss what on earth could possibly possess our favorite Baby Vamp to cover for a very “toolish” Baby Were Tyler, after the latter killed Slutty Sarah, and went all Teen Wolf on her ass.

We start to suspect that Caroline has “caught the feelings” for Wolfman, when she admits to Damon that she “felt bad for him,” after he “murdered that Big Fat Whore innocent teenage girl.” And yet, what really gives it away, is when Miss Forbes describes the creepy Village of the Damned eyes that Tyler was sporting during the transition as, “bronze with flecks of gold highlights,” or something equally schmoopy.

“OMG Damon!  Werewolves are SO DREAMY!  I don’t know what’s hotter, their hairy backs, or their long yellow toenails . . .”

Having recently become a victim of LOOOOOOVE himself . . . (hint, hint, wink, wink) . . . Damon knows just how debilitating (and TOTALLY AWESOME) such feelings can be.  And so, he leaves Caroline with a little helpful advice. 

“He can’t know about us, Caroline.  A werewolf bite can kill a vampire!”

“Even if it’s just a hickey?”

At school for the first time in about four episodes (Seriously!  These kids NEVER go to class!  Where’s a truancy officer, when you need him?), Tyler is visibly shaken by the posters on the wall featuring a “Dead at the Bottom of Some Ravine Missing Slutty Amy,” as well as a makeshift memorial, situated in front of Slutty Sarah’s locker.  So upset is Tyler, that when he tries to open his locker, the latch breaks off in his hand.  (Don’t you just HATE when that happens?)

When Caroline runs into Tyler in the hallway, she offers him a few words of encouragement, but then gives him the slip, when he tries to question her about the events of the previous night.  Tyler runs into Caroline again, at the end of the day, outside the school bus.  But when she gives him the brush off a second time, he makes the mistake of getting a little grabby with her . . .

OK . . . this girl is officially too cool for words!

Having been beaten up by a girl, and, TOTALLY humiliated, “Mr. Superhuman Strength” Tyler decides to pick on someone his own size and strength . . . a poor defenseless trashcan . . .

“Hey, buddy, what gives?  Do I go throwing YOUR home around, everytime I have a Bad Day?”

When Caroline arrives back home, she is again accosted by Tyler, who has somehow managed to break into her home.  (Umm . . . how romantic?)

When Tyler tells Caroline that he suspects her of also being a werewolf, based on her insane strength and her general lack-of-freak-outedness over Tyler’s murderous tendencies, Caroline LAUGHS IN HIS FACE!  (Again, I LOVE THIS GIRL!)  Tyler responds by pushing Caroline up against a wall (KINKY!).  But Caroline gets the best of him a third time, by vamping out on his ass!

“I’m not a werewolf,”  Caroline explains calmly.

Perhaps, against her better judgment, Caroline eventually tells Tyler that she’s a vampire (not that anyone who’s ever seen True Blood or a Twilight movie wouldn’t already know that).  However, she is smart enough not to out Stefan or Damon in her confession.  Later Caroline and Tyler share a little liquor (Apparently, it helps with the whole “Supernatural Rage” thing), and discuss symptoms of their “otherness.”  For example, Tyler often gets hot . . .

But we already KNEW that. . .

 . . . and Caroline gets emotional . . .

We knew THAT too . . .

“You can’t tell anyone, Tyler.  No one will understand,” Caroline warns the Baby Were, more or less echoing Damon’s words from earlier in the episode (which, of course, she completely IGNORED).

“I have no one to tell,” Tyler admits dejectedly.  “Next full moon, I’m going to turn . . . and I’m scared.”

Then Tyler does something I NEVER thought I’d see him do . . . he cries.  So, Caroline pulls him in for a tender embrace, while whispering comforting words in his ear.  And it is the second sweetest thing I saw all episode.  (Of course, you all know what the FIRST one is . . .)  WAY TO GO, TEAM TAROLINE!

“It’s Elena.”

Damon Salvatore, you can make Crazy Eyes at me, any time you want!

Back at school, Jeremy, who still thinks Elena spent the night at Stefan’s congratulates him on a “job well done.”  Then he tells the broody vamp, that he might not have to keep covering for the couple, because Aunt Jenna seems so very cool with their loud boning, even when its underneath her own roof.  SERIOUSLY?  What is with these Gilberts and their inappropriate interest in one another’s sex lives?

“So, Stefan, what’s yours and Elena’s favorite sexual position?  Vampire Anna and I always really liked 69, but my sister always struck me as the ‘missionary’ type.”

Creeped outedness aside, Stefan is starting to seriously worry about Elena, because he KNOWS she wasn’t with him the night before.  In fact, they were “broken up” at the time.  So, Stefan decides to confront Damon about what really went down between him and Katherine, when he was supposedly locking her in the tomb . . .

“Hey, I heard about your little ‘Halloween Costume Trick.’  Not cool, Big Bro.  My hair does NOT look like that!”

“OK . . . maybe it does . . . but still . . . NOT COOL!”

Damon insists that he did shut Katherine up in that tomb, just as he promised.   However, he also recounts to Stefan, Katherine’s cryptic words about Elena being “in danger.”  “And you didn’t think to ask her, if she’d care to elaborate?”  Stefan snarks.

“It’s Katherine.  She lies all the time!  How was I supposed to know she was actually telling the truth, for once?”

Stefan, immediately, decides to reopen the tomb and interrogate Katherine as to why Elena might be in danger.  But Damon thinks that’s a TERRIBLE idea.   (And so do I . . .)

“Duh!”

“She’ll negotiate her release.  We’ll let her out.  And then she will have us all killed,” Damon argues, quite reasonably, I think.

But Stefan cares not for rational thought, “Its Elena,” he replies matter of factly.

At school, Stefan (Didn’t he drop out, last season?) asks Bonnie to do a spell to reopen Katherine’s tomb.  (Ummm . . . yeah . . . because that turned out SO WELL last time.)

If you recall, it was the first opening of the tomb, that killed Bonnie’s Granny, and caused Bonnie to turn from Elena’s Sweet Gal Pal into Raging BWitch.  So, I thought for sure that when Stefan made this RUDE request of her, she would totally go all Firestarter on his ass . . .

But she didn’t.  Instead Bonnie merely offered an alternative solution.  And it was actually a good one! 

Using Jeremy’s blood . . .

“Stefan . . . Damon . . . it’s dinner time!  Come and get it!”

 .  . . Bonnie is somehow able to conjure up the captured Elena’s whereabouts on a map.  Sure, it causes Bonnie to get a bloody nose.  But what’s a little MORE blood among Hungry Vampires, right?

Of course, Scrappy Doo Gilbert wants to come along on Magical Journey to Rescue Elena #242.  But Papa Stefan, of course, says, “No.” 

“You can’t do this alone,” counters Jeremy.

Then Damon magically appears . . .

*Sigh!*

“He’s not,” responds Hot Stuff.

“You’re coming with me?”  Stefan inquires, surprised.

“It’s Elena,” responds one half of the Delena duo, echoing Stefan’s earlier words.

(BTW, did you guys know “Delena” was recently inducted into the Urban Dictionary?  How friggin cool is that?  GO TEAM!)

I smell a ROAD TRIP!

“Just a Taste”

Somewhere East of Eden (I’m serious!  I pretty sure “Eden” was the name of the town where Jeremy’s blood said Elena was taken . . .), “Trevor,” a.k.a. Eater of NotCarrotTop, who is looking mighty hunky, now that his face isn’t covered in blood and guts, carries Elena into a creepy ramshackle house, that is randomly covered in lit candles.  (Now, either someone is DESPERATELY trying to get laid here, or no one bothered to pay the electric bill.  Did I mention it’s BROAD DAYLIGHT outside?)

“This Mood Lighting is nice and all, but it’s kind of unnecessary . . .  All Stefan has to do, usually, is look at me, and I’m immediately down for a good screw!  Just ask Aunt Jenna.“

Trevor then ties Elena up on the couch, and starts sniffing at her, like a dog in heat.

“Dude, you just ATE!  Stop being such a pig, or you’ll lose that girlish figure!”

“Just a taste,” promises Trevor, echoing the words of every failed dieter in the world!

Then, the titular “Rose” enters the room, and spoils all of Trevor’s fun.  “Trevor, control yourself,” Rose lectures sternly.

“Buzzkill,” mutters Trevor, like a petulant child.

Then, suddenly, although I honestly don’t recall her ever being untied, Elena is up and about, and chatting with Rose.

“How the heck did you get off that couch, Magic Lady?  I thought Trevor said he tied those ropes tight?  Idiot!  It just goes to show you, that just because someone eats boyscouts, doesn’t mean they can tie knots, like them.”

Just like everybody else on this show, Rose remarks about how much Elena looks Katherine.

 Well, they ARE played by the same person!  Duh!

But when Elena starts peppering Rose with annoying questions (“What do you want from me?”), Rose decides to pop her one, right in the mouth (“I want you to be quiet.”).

“Look!  I’m FLYING!  Whheeeeeeeee!”

The massive blow, knocks Elena unconscious.  But, of course, doesn’t leave so much of a scratch on that flawless face of hers.

“I’m too pretty to bruise.  Bruising is for NORMAL (a.k.a. Ugly) People . . .”

Upon regaining consciousness, Elena overhears Rose and Trevor, talking about some dude named Elijah . . .

Not that one . . .

 . . . to whom they are offering Elena, in exchange for their own freedom from persecution.  A little later, Elena and Rose hold their own little Plot Explanation Pow Wow.  During this exchange, Rose tells Elena that only the blood of Katherine Petrova’s Doppelganger can break the Moonstone Curse that Katherine created.  Apparently, this Elijah is one of the Volturi from Twilight First Vampires . . .

 . . . who Katherine majorly screwed over, by starting the Moonstone Curse, about 500 years ago.  Then, Rose and Trevor (well . . . Trevor . . . but Rose surpervised) helped Katherine escape the Volturi First Vampires, and, in doing so, painted big targets on their backs.  Tired of running from Dakota Fanning (and who could blame them?), Rose and Trevor, hope to exchange Elena for a “reduced sentence” of some sort from the First Vampires.

So, Katherine was TOTALLY telling the truth, that night in the tomb.  Go figure!

“Damn that Dakota Fanning!  She annoyed the crap out of me during War of the Worlds!  As soon as I get out of this Hidey Hole, B*tch is going down!”

(By the way, “Trevor” seemed like kind of a Mental Midget, during most of the episode, but I LOVED when he called Elena “Doppelicious.”  I may have to “borrow” that for future recaps . . .)

Bonnie gets more nose bleeds / uses a spell to pass Elena a note in class . . .

Thank you CW trailer for this VERY cheesy screencap.   I couldn’t have done it without you . . .

Back at the Gilbert home, in what was, for me, the only weak part of this AMAZING episode, Bonnie and Jeremy sat around making googly eyes at one another and playing with Bonnie’s Grimmore . . . Grinmore . . . Gremlin, whatever the heck she calls her spellbook.

“Hey, Mini Gilbert.  Since we are already in bed together, what do you say we try put that Sex Spell you seemed so excited about last week?”

During most of their scenes together this week, Bonnie is bitching to Jeremy about how she’s all alone at being a witch, and blah, blah, blah.  Likewise, Jeremy admits to being alone in his emo-ness.  I smell a LOVE CONNECTION! 

However, in a rare moment of NOT thinking about herself, Bonnie asks Jeremy for Elena’s hairbrush.  Apparently, Elena’s a dirty girl, who never cleans the hair out of her brush (I bet she clogs the heck out of the shower too!). 

But fear not!  This is GOOD NEWS!  There are enough luscious locks in Elena’s brush for Bonnie to perform a spell on a crumbled piece of notebook paper, causing it to burst into flames.  (Ummm . . . wouldn’t it have been easier to use a lighter, Firestarter?)

Although, just a few weeks back, Bonnie lit an entire PARKING LOT on fire, to get back at Damon for trying to kill a newly vamped out Caroline — burning this piece of paper is apparently too much for her.  It causes her to pass out, with more blood dripping from her nose.  Jeremy is understandably concerned, and rushes to touch her boobies get her some water . . .

But Bonnie ends up being fine.  And, more importantly, Elena, who is still locked away in that Creepy House with the Candles (Yet, she’s not tied up, which makes me wonder why she didn’t just walk out the door.), gets Bonnie’s message: “Stefan and Damon are coming for you.”

Road Trip Bonding

Kudos to my favorite vampire brothers for GENUINELY opening up to one another, during their little ride to Elena’s Rescue.  At first, they just made snarky small talk.  (“Boy, Alaric sure likes his weapons.”)  However, eventually, things got a lot more personal . . .

Initially, Damon seems reluctant to acknowledge the “roar of the Elephant in the room” (His terminology, not mine — Elephant are more whiny, than roar-y, don’t you think?)

“Whatever, Picky Recapper!  I’m a Vampire, not a Friggin Zoologist!”

However, Stefan seems surprisingly eager to talk about Damon’s love life, and specifically, his Big Bro’s desire to bone his “ex” girlfriend.  (Apparently, the Gilbert T.M.I. Syndrome must be contagious . . .)   “We both know [your going on this trip] has nothing to do with me . . .  You love [Elena], just as much as I do.”

Others (like Isobel and Katherine) have mentioned Damon’s love for Elena before, but never has he heard these words come out of his brother’s mouth.  It makes him uncomfortable.  “I can step out of this car, just like I stepped in,” remarks Damon defensively.

“That’s the beauty of it,” replies Stefan glibly.  “You can’t.”

Later, while Damon is chugging on his “juice box” of human blood, Stefan asks for a taste.  Damon looks skeptical.  So, Stefan comes clean about his gradual building up of a tolerance to human blood.  When Damon inquires as to where Stefan has been getting his daily fix, Stefan admits that it comes from Elena. 

“How romantic,” remarks a clearly jealous, Damon, undoubtedly recalling all the times when HE might have enjoyed a taste.

Like, for example, THIS one . . .

Eager not to fill his head with thoughts of his brother sucking on the woman he loves, Damon quickly changes the subject.  He opts instead to take a trip down memory lane.  “Remember when you were this Big Bad Vampire?”  Damon inquires.

“You mean more like you?”  Stefan retorts.

“Exactly . . . what happened to that guy?  He was a hoot!”

Stefan Salvatore:  A Real “Fun Guy!”

“I guess he found something else to live for,” remarks Stefan wisely.

(Hmmm . . . interesting . . . if Stefan used to be “just like Damon,” but he changed, due to finding a “higher purpose,” could Damon reform himself, as a result of his love for Elena?  And if he could, would we WANT him to?  After all, just like Rose admitted to Elena, when she talked of possibly being “set up” with Stefan, back in the day, I’m more of a sucker for the Bad Boy.  Always have been . . . always will be.)

Upon arriving at their destination, Damon is uncharacteristically cautious, warning Stefan that the vampires inside Creepy House with the Candles are over 500-years old and, therefore, VERY dangerous.  Is Stefan sure that he wants to do this?

“I can’t think of a better reason to die,” replies Stefan defiantly.

“Good line, Bro . . . INTENSE!  I’ll have to remember that one for later.”

Enter Elijah

Back in the Creepy House with the Candles, Trevor starts freaking out about the impending arrival of Evil Elijah. 

(Brief biblical note: In the Old Testament, Elijah is the guy that goes around to people’s houses during holidays, drinking their wine.  So, you’re always supposed to leave a place for him at the table . . . so he doesn’t drink YOURS.  Kind of a fitting name for a Thirsty Old Vampire, Don’t you think?)

“Hey Rose!  Great party!  Got anyone to drink?”

Elena must have developed a bit of Stockholm Syndrome, because she honestly seems to feel really bad for her captors, upon seeing the abject terror in their faces, when Elijah comes to the door.  Looking remarkably dapper in his expensive suit, and coiffed hairdo, Elijah walks around Creepy House with the Candles like he owns the place.  After twice promising Rose and her “pet,” Trevor, a pardon, in exchange for Elena, Elijah is introduced to Katherine’s doppelganger.  Upon smelling Elena (Seriously?  What’s with all these Sniffing, Vampires?  Just bite people.  It’s WAY sexier!), he confirms she is “human.”

Wisely, Elena makes a play for her own freedom, by offering to show Elijah where Katherine’s moonstone is, if he will let her go free.  But, Elijah’s no dummy either.  Ripping off Elena’s vervain necklace, Elijah compels Elena to tell him the moonstone’s whereabouts.  She does so helplessly, destroying her only bargaining chip, in the process.

Elena’s vulnerability to compulsion (something we have NEVER seen up to this point, as she has always been protected by vervain) will become important at the end of the episode.  It also confused me a bit, because I was certain that Elena, not only wore a vervain necklace, but also ate a steady diet of vervain, precisely to protect herself from this sort of thing. 

Well, if she hasn’t been eating vervain, I’m sure she will start now.  But if she has . . . could she have been FAKING?  I HOPE SO!  I HOPE SO!

Oh . . . and I almost forgot . . . Elijah totally decapitated Poor Trevor (though it’s honestly hard to call a maneater like that “poor”).  He did agree to let Rose live, however, which illustrates some moral principals on his part . . .

Suddenly, in a scene that harkened back to those cheesy CGI “fog and crow” scenes from the pilot episode, Damon and Stefan wisk themselves into Creepy House with the Candles, and start flying around the room at warp speed.  Stefan grabs Elena away from Elijah, and pushes her up against the wall, silently instructing her to be quiet.  Then Damon does the same thing to Rose.

Elena then pretends to willingly return to Elijah’s clutches.   And that’s when Alaric’s Arsenal of Crazy Vampire Weapons comes out to play.  There are Harpoons, and Balls of Fire, and Weird Guns that Shoot out Bolts of Light.  If Yoda was here, I would think I was watching a remake of Star Wars.

“The force is strong with you, Salvatores!”

Not much for Fancy Schmancy Weapons, the Old School Elijah, opts in stead for a good old fashioned stake, fashioned from the bannister of Creepy House with the Candles’ staircase, which he and Stefan have just tumbled down, during a rather energetic fight scene.  Damon likes old-fashioned weapons too.  And he sticks a MASSIVE PIECE OF BANNISTER right inside Elijah!

And, even though it was DAMON who dealt the final blow, it is into her “ex” boyfriend Stefan’s arms that Elena runs.  OUCH! 

To his credit, Damon is way cooler about the rejection than I would be.  He even manages to fake a smile at Elena, when she mouths her not-nearly-enough, under the circumstances, “Thank you,” to him, toward the end of the scene.

I know this is a picture of Angry Damon.  But, actually, I included it to show you what MY face looked like during the scene.  Damon WAS, as I said, smiling at the time . . .

Also, Elena told the boys not to kill Rose . . . See what I mean, about the “Stockholm Syndrome?” 

And yet, Rose, does in fact, seem to have good intentions at heart, when she approaches Stefan at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, and offers to help him fend off the First Vampires, most notably, some dude called Klaus (who, anyone who read The Vampire Diaries books could tell you, is a Big Bad Guy.)  Apparently, Rose was good buds with Stefan’s now Dead-Dead pal Lexie, who, once upon a time, told Rose that Stefan was “one of the good ones.”  Now Sans Mental Midget Trevor, Rose also doesn’t want to be alone . . .

“I Needed My Brother.”

Not wanting to be alone . . . That was a real theme running throughout this episode, wasn’t it?  Think about it . . . loneliness was something shared by Tyler and Caroline, Bonnie and Jeremy, Rose . . . and . . . well I guess she really IS alone now, isn’t she?  Loneliness also comes into play, during this important exchange between Stefan and Damon.

Stefan enters the living room of La Casa de Rich and Awesome to find Damon . . . drinking, of course.

Wouldn’t YOU be drinking, after a day like he had?

And it is in that moment that Stefan decides to say something to Damon that he has NEVER said in the whole 145 years they have been vampires together.  He is SORRY.  Stefan finally apologizes for making Damon turn vamp, all those years ago.  “I was selfish,” Stefan explains.  “I didn’t want to be alone.  I needed my brother.”

Of course, Damon is heartened by Stefan’s apology.  But it is his brother’s discussion of “selfishness” that inspires Damon to do what he does next . . .

“I Can’t Be Selfish With You.”

You know what was so amazing about this scene (aside from the obvious, of course)?  The way it so expertly tied together so many previous interactions between and Elena.  Damon’s appearance in Elena’s room, and genuinely selfless declaration of love, harkened back to the much more selfish and frantic bedroom declarations, he made, back during “The Return.” Also,  Damon’s withholding of Elena’s vervain necklace, harkened back to my FAVORITE Delena scene from season 1, during which Damon refuses to compel Elena, despite her handing that very same necklace to him, as a declaration of mutual trust and honesty.

Because I love the scene so very much, I’m going to embed it in its entirety, right here, for your viewing pleasure.  I just hope that the CW doesn’t take it off YouTube, before you get the chance to re-view it . . . So here goes:

Just in case you didn’t catch it all (or they removed the video), here’s EXACTLY what Damon said in his final speech to Elena:

“What I am about to say is . . . probably the most selfish thing I’ve ever said in my life . . . I just have to say it once.  You just need to hear it.  I love you Elena. And it’s because I love you that…. I can’t be selfish with you, and why you can’t know this.  I don’t deserve you.  But my brother does.  God, I wish you didn’t have to forget this.  But you do.”

(Oh, and he also told her she had cute P.J.s, :))

Obviously, there is so much about this scene that is open for debate, which is one of the many things I love about this show.  Was Elena really compelled, or had she faked it, as she has so many times in the past?  Her shocked expression at the end of the scene could really be interpreted either way . . .

Was Elena effected by Damon’s SELFLESS declaration of love, in a different way than she was by the SELFISH one, he made during the Season 2 premiere?  I think so! 

Watch the way she looks at him, while he speaks to her.  Observe the way her eyes close, when he chastely kisses her on the forehead, in contrast to the aggressive Face Rape he subjected her to in “The Return.”  Except, this time, it seemed like Elena was hoping that Damon WOULD kiss her on the lips . . . and that maybe, just maybe . . . if he had, she would have kissed back this time.

After all, this is the “Good Damon” that Elena saw beneath all of that darkness, during Season 1, and the one she thought was lost to her forever, in the beginning of Season 2.

Another question we might all be asking ourselves, is whether Damon is right in what he says?  Can he ever really deserve Elena, after what he did to Jeremy in “The Return?”  It’s interesting that when Damon utters the line “I don’t deserve you, Elena,” the lyrics to the song playing in the background say, “I was wrong.” 

(Is the song right, in what it says?  Is Damon “wrong” to give up Elena, when he loves her so deeply, because he feels that Stefan is who is “best” for her?)

Just some food for thought . . . 😉

Oh, and that Elijah guy . . . he ended up being Not-So-Much Dead, after all.  Go figure!

Thanks for making it all the way through this insanely LONG recap!  See you next week, TVD’ers!

[www.juliekushner.com]