The Lazy Recapper Takes on Sunday and Monday Night Television (Once Upon a Time, Game of Thrones, Mad Men, and Gossip Girl)

[The Vampire Diaries’ Recap for “Do Not Go Gentle” is on its way!  Check back early Saturday morning, April 28th, E.S.T.]

May Sweeps is fast approaching.  And it’s already been quite the busy week in TV land.  Let’s see, we’ve had decapitations, mutilations, demon baby births, people turning into snails, travels to alternate dimensions, fake family reunions, real family reunions, LSD trips, and people claiming to be Martians . . .And that was all before midnight on Monday!

So grab your sword and crossbow, and let that funny tasting sugar cube melt on your tongue, because it’ time for a trip down TV’s Memory Lane, Lazy Recapper’s style.

Once Upon a Time – “The Return”

This week on OUAT, we learned the real reason why poor little Baelfire never brought his dad, Rumpelstiltzkin in to talk to his class on Career Day.  Sure, turning straw into gold, bargaining for first born babies, and turning people into snails, just because they gave your son a boo-boo is a great job.

 “I also have fabulous hair.”

But for some reason it doesn’t make the Rumpel family all that popular with the townsfolk.  Gee . . . I can’t imagine why?

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Es carg – OH NO!

Understandably, Baelfire (Um . . . can I just say, as far as names go, this one is pretty darn awful.  Then again, what do you expect from a guy who’s name sounds like the German word for “Butt Stilts”) is a bit tired of being Fairytale land’s least likely to be Prom King and/or get laid before the age of 55.  So, the young lad vows to find a way to make his dad’s DARK MAGIC evaporate, faster than one can say “Bippity, Boppity, Boo.”

“And that’s how I get my face looking so sparkly and demonic, each day.” 

And wouldn’t you know, some things actually ARE easy in fairytale land.  Upon meeting a rather ornery, and self-righteous fairy, Baelfire learns that the key to turning his snail-hating, and baby-loving dad, with the poopy name, back into a normal man is a  . . . bean(?).

“Are we supposed to be vanquishing evil or cooking?”

But this, of course, isn’t just any bean.  It’s a Time and Dimension Traveling Bean.  Baelfire, of course, is THRILLED.  He can’t wait to share the good news with ole pops!

“By the way, if you ever run into Tinkerbell, tell her I think she’s really hot.”

However, unfortunately for Baelfire, Rumpelstiltzkin isn’t quite so ready to give up his magic ability to prevent the snail population from inevitable extinction.  So, when Baelfire tosses the bean, and the inevitable funnel cloud of smoke and gas emanate from it (Insert Inevitable Bean-Eating Flatulence Joke here), only the little guy has the courage to travel to the Land of the Boring and Magic Free.  Meanwhile, the miserable and extremely guilty feeling Rumpel remains in Fairytale land, totally and utterly alone.

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But, as we all know, Rumpel did eventually made his way into the Land of the Boring and Magic Free.  Does that mean there is hope for an inevitable father/son reunion?  Who did little Baelfire grow up to be, anyway?  Was it this guy?

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Well, that’s what most of us thought, at least until about 40 minutes into the episode, when The Stranger (who just keeps getting Stranger by the Minute) waved a hunk of steel in Rumpel’s face, while chanting some ridiculous prayer purposed toward making the poor old guy his lifelong slave.  Not exactly the kind of sentiment that fits on a Father’s Day card . . .

“Because I care enough to send the very best . . . here, let me shove this pretty sword in your neck . . . Dad.” 

So, here’s my new theory on August the Stranger.  (I saw the promos, after all.)  He’s actually . . . wait for it . . . PINOCCHIO.  It would certainly explain his peg leg, and penchant for donkey paper weights.   I’m thinking that, even though magic successfully converted Pinocchio into a “real boy,” in Fairy Tale land, that magic has an expiration date here in the boring real world.

“On a positive note, I don’t have to worry about that pesky nose-growing thing, anymore . . .” 

And this means that August is doomed to revert back into a puppet status, unless someone*cough Emma Swan cough* can ship him back to Happily Ever After, ASAP.  Makes sense, right?

You know what makes less sense?  What happened this week on Mad Men . . .

Mad Men – “Far Away Places”

Here are just a few of the many things I learned, while watching Mad Men, this week.

(1)    Take LSD!  Not only will it help you divorce your wife, it will also make your liquor bottles musical, and enable you to perfectly recall old baseball games, while getting pruny in your bathtub!  Talk about efficient living!

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Just beware of “shrinkage” . . .

“I was in the tub . . . I swear it was only because I was in the tub!”

(2)    Michael Ginsburg may be an honest-to-goodness Martian.  But Stan Rizzo only owns one suit jacket.  And it just so happens to be that hideous green plaid one.  Which one do you feel sorrier for?

My vote goes with Stan.  Rumor has it the Martians are pretty snazzy dressers . .  .

(3)    Peggy Olson is NOT Don Draper.  And giving someone a hand job during the movie with all the cute little lion cubs in it, or yelling at a client, who doesn’t like her idea, does not make her him.

“Can I get some popcorn with that?’

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Oh, and . . . whatever you do, don’t ask her for her thoughts on beans.

“You WILL like my advertising idea, or I’ll have my good friend Rumpelstilskin turn you into a snail!” 

Speaking of Don Draper . . .

(1)    When Don Draper says you should like Orange sherbert, you BETTER like Orange sherbert.  And don’t even think about ordering yourself a pie for dessert.  Because you’ll end up walking home from that Howard Johnsons in East Deliverance, U.S.A, ALL BY YOURSELF . . . just you and the ten rednecks who tried to hit on you, outside the phonebooth. Yes, I’m looking at you, Megan!

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(2)    This one is also for Megan, or any of you future Ms. Draper’s out there.  When your husband (a) murders women in his sleep and shoves them under his bed for safe keeping; and (b) only seems to like having intercourse with you on the floor, AFTER he’s failed to scratch your eyes out or strangle you . . . you might want to reconsider the single life.

Foreplay?

In other, People You Definitely Don’t Want to Marry News . . .

Game of Thrones – “Garden of Bones”

(Special thanks to my pal, Andre, for all the awesome screencaps!)

Hey Joffrey Baratheon, you seem to be getting to that age, when boys start growing hair on their chest . . . their voices change . . . they stop thinking women are icky, and start wanting to get some.  Given all that, you might be interested in hearing some tips on how to woo women.  Here’s a hint.  Don’t do ANY OF THE THINGS YOU DID DURING THIS WEEK’S EPISODE OF G.O.T . . . (or any episode of GOT for that matter)

You heard me, boy.  That means, no having women stripped naked in public for your amusement, no making them stare at their father’s decapitated head for fun, no menacing them with crossbows, while someone shoves a hot poker up their asses, or flogs them with a belt.  Need I say more?

Speaking of demon seeds, Melisandre gave birth to some hideous looking black puff of smoke that makes that thing that came out of the guy’s stomach in the movie Alien look downright cuddly by comparison.

The whole scene gave me an awful flashback of that Miracle of Life video they made us watch in middle school.  I’m still traumatized by it to this day.  (There’s no better form of contraception, as far as I’m concerned.)  Which reminds me, I wonder what kind of health coverage one gets working for the “Lord of Light?”

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“I wouldn’t know.  I work for the Prince of Darkness, myself.”

Speaking of Stannis’ seed, it’s looking to me like Renly won out in the gene pool competition in the Baratheon family, BIG TIME.  Not only did he kick his brother’s ass in their High on their Horses pre-war pissing contest, this week . . . he’s also better looking, more popular, funnier, and most importantly, didn’t sire that nasty black sh*t that came out of Melisandre’s uterus .  . .

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“Now, I know how Danny Devito’s character felt in the movie Twins.”

Too bad Renly doesn’t play for my team . . .

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Meanwhile, Arya visited Harennhaal Castle, where her infamous “People to Kill” list grew by about ten names.  But, unlike many of her co-captives she got to keep her head . . . literally.  So, yayyyy, Arya!

Elsewhere, on greener pastures, Dany, Mother of Dragons, used her feminine wiles and genuine kick ass nature to enter what seems like the nicest locale on this show, not to mention the only one that looks remotely clean.

Sausage Party 

My only question then, is why did they give it a totally lame name like QARTH.

“I pity the fool who pronounces it as QUARTH.” 

Speaking of totally lame . . .

Gossip Girl – “Despicable B”

Blair made a TOTAL ASS out of herself, at one of Dan’s dull emo parties, by wearing a totally inappropriate, and not particularly cute dress, and making an awkward rambling speech, no one cared about . . . all because the New Yorker referred to her as  “low brow.”  Now, she’s worried she lost sight of her “true self.”  Glad you caught on Blair.  We’ve been worried about that, since the whole “Pact with G*d” episode . . .

Sometimes, the truth hurts . . . 

More drama on the Lily the Greedy Van der B*tch front.  But at least this time she’s found the right target for her ire, her sister . . . who got carted off to jail at the end of the episode for paying someone to pretend to be a family member, in order to free up some trust fund cash.

 Just try not to drop the soap . . .

Speaking of the faux-sibling, in question Ivy ultimately got off scott free for the part she played in the scheme.  She even got a check for $1 million for her troubles.  She ended up tearing up the check though . . . You know, because she has  .  . . like . . . standards, and stuff.  MORON! 

Ivy Dickens . . . a real bastion of morality.

Speaking of fake family members, remember when we found out that Diana Von Slutsky was actually Chuck’s bio mom?  Well, now, it turns out . . . not so much.  But get this, UNCLE BART might be his dad.  Seriously?  How old would Bart have to have been when Chuck was born?  TEN?

I know those Bass boys start sexing young, but this is a bit ridiculous.  And how about all those times Bart tried to get Chuck to OD on DRUGS so he can steal his hotel from under him.  Talk about things you won’t find on the Father’s Day Hallmark cards . . .

And that’s what you missed on Sunday and Monday night television . . .

(F.Y.I. Tuesday night television will be getting its own recap this week . . .  So, Glee and New Girl fans, be on the lookout . . .;)

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See ya next time!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Vampire Katherine just aged another year . . . – Happy Birthday, Nina Dobrev!

In honor of Nina Dobrev’s 22nd birthday, Ian Somerhalder baked her a cake . . .

Unfortunately, for Nina, Vampire Katherine (who shares the same birthday) got to it first . . .

“Mmmmm . . . red velvet blood  . . . my favorite flavor!”

22-years ago today, one of the most promising young actors of our generation was born.  (Nina Dobrev was born January 9, 1989 in Sofia, Bulgaria, but moved to Canada at age 2.)  Roughly 20-years later, Nina won the hearts of two-GORGEOUS vampires, and of millions of fans wide, through her portrayal of both the headstrong and plucky Elena Gilbert . . .

 . . . and the devious diabolical (and tons of fun!) Vampire Katherine Pierce . . .

You know, I spend a lot of time on this blog extoling the virtues of the dreamy and delectable Damon Salvatore . . .

 . . . and his sensitive, yet sultry, brother Stefan . . .

But where would either of them be without the two women who hold their hearts and their humanity in either hand?

I mean seriously, without Elena and Katherine, who would these boys MAKE OUT WITH?

They’d probably have to resort to lots of Air Kissing . . .

And no one wants that . . .

So, that’s why today, in honor of Nina Dobrev’s birthday, I’ve decided to take a short break from celebrating the oh-so-sexy TVD men, in order to pay homage to the one woman who is literally the Gal Friday to EVERY GUY IN MYSTIC FALLS . . . 

 

Sorry BOYS!  It looks like you are just going to have to share . . .

Since most of us already know Nina from The Vampire Diaries, I thought it might be nice, for a change, to take a look back at some of her most noteworthy pre-Elena roles . . .

(Special thanks to YouTube maven sciolist2b, who has BY FAR the most comprehensive and highest quality collection of Nina Dobrev clips on the entire Internet!  sciolist, I don’t know you, but I definitely couldn’t have written this post without you!)

Mia Jones – Degrassi

Nina Dobrev’s Season 6 debut on Degrassi: The Next Generation was MY first introduction to the actress.  On Degrassi, Nina played Mia Jones, an unwed teen mother, forced to transfer to a rival high school, after her’s burned down.  Forget 16 and Pregnant, Mia Jones had her baby, Isabella at age THIRTEEN! 

Mamma MIA!

Though no where near as complex and multi-layered as the two characters she plays on The Vampire Diaries, Nina definitely got the opportunity to flex her acting chops here, as a young mother, trying to balance the responsibilities of parenting, with her desire to do typical “teen stuff” like cheerleading, parties, and dating.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a real juicy Mia Jones clip on YouTube for you to enjoy. 

However, I did find this on-set footage taken from her first day on the job.  And it’s pretty darn adorable.  All I have to say is . . . hell hath no fury like a TV baby who WON’T STOP CRYING!

 

Ally – American Mall

Around the same time that she was starring in Degrassi, Nina also picked up the lead role in the very High School Musical-esque American Mall, an MTV original film about mall employees who sing their feelings . . .

American Mall certainly wasn’t going to win any awards in its time (and I may very well have been the only one who actually watched it when it first aired).  However, as cheesy teen musicals go, this one was surprisingly enjoyable.  And Nina was extremely likeable as Ally, the girl who worked at her mother’s music store, but would much rather make out with the hot singing janitor her OWN music . . .

Rosabella – Mookie’s Law

Sometimes I wish I was Canadian.  Because Canadian Teen Television is just AWESOME!  I don’t think there is any country in the world (including the United States) that almost exclusively caters its media products toward the young adult demographic, like Canada does!  It seems that every time I flip the channels, I am finding another obscure (but oddly awesome) Canadian teen show, on some obscure U.S. cable channel, and wishing I had access to it when it first aired, back in Toronto, or wherever. 

Did I mention that the same 8 young actors (including Nina, of course) seem to be in EVERY SINGLE MOVIE!  It’s like one big happy family up there, ay?

Nina Dobrev starred as the lead character’s love interest in Mookie’s Law, a short Canadian film that was written, directed by and starred Al Mukadam, who — if you are a Canadian TV junkie like me — you may remember as Ray from Radio Free Roscoe.  Oh, and you can bet that Degrassi star turned Big Time Rapper, Drake, is in this one too . . .  (See what I mean?)

Justine – My Daughter’s Secret

You know, people joke all the time about Lifetime movies, and how cliched and lame they tend to be.  But a lot of really talented actresses got their start in Lifetime movies, and Nina Dobrev is one of them.  In My Daughter’s Secret she plays Justine, a teen who got herself roped into a romance with a VERY BAD BOYFRIEND.  (And in Lifetime movies, aren’t they ALL very bad?)

Jessica Carpenter – Too Young to Marry

As far as Lifetime movies go, this one looks kind of fun!  (For starters, neither of Nina’s two leading men in it are abusive, or “bad news.”  YAY!)  In Too Young to Marry, Nina stars as Jessica Carpenter, a girl who married her high school sweetheart, Max, at age 17.  However, she begins to doubt the decision she has made, upon experiencing the joys of drunk college makeout sessions.  (And who can blame her, when, at least based on the clips, it seems like her “husband” spends half of the movie in bed . . . just sleeping?) 

It sucks to be the “Nice Boy” in a Lifetime Movie . . . you get no lines . . . and you never get laid, until the very end.

Interestingly enough, Dillon Casey, who plays Nina’s husband in the movie, also played Vampire Noah, the first bloodsucker who tried to attack Elena on The Vampire Diaries.

But Canadians will remember him better as the often-naked Trevor Lemonde on the hockey-themed soap opera MVP.  (He lasted a bit longer on that show, than on TVD . . . in more ways than one ;))

Loren – Never Cry Werewolf

I actually learned about this film when I was writing a recap for TVD’s Bad Moon Rising episode.  I came upon the movie poster, almost entirely by accident, during my search for a solid werewolf-themed picture to kick off the recap. 

In Never Cry Werewolf, Nina plays Loren, an innocent teen who learns that her next door neighbor is actually a bloodthirsty werewolf, in search of a hot young prepubescent mate, to howl at the moon with . . .  Interestingly enough, I read on Wikipedia that the film itself is actually a shot-by-shot remake of a VAMPIRE film from the 1980’s called Fright Night.  Only here, the vampire Big Bad Villain was inexplicably substituted for a werewolf one. 

Knowing this, as I watching the following scene, where Kevin Sorbo’s werewolf character ties up a scantily clad “Loren” and threatens to turn her into a “monster,” I couldn’t help but imagine how much BETTER the film would be if Damon Salvatore was in it . . .

Sorry, Sorbo!  I’m going to have to agree with Damon on this one . . .

 

Rachel – Hearts of War a.k.a. The Poet

Far from starring only in teen dramas, Nina also gained recognition in feature films as well.  In Hearts of War she plays Rachel, a rabbi’s daughter who falls in love with a Nazi soldier during World War II.

Bella – Fugitive Pieces

Going along with a World War II theme, Nina alsoplayed the enigmatic Bella in Fugitive Pieces.  Bella was the main character Jakob’s sister in the film.  Bella was taken away (and eventually killed), along with the rest of his family, by Nazis during the Second World War.  Only Jakob survived the raid.  As a result of this tragedy, Bella’s youthful and emphemeral image haunts Jakob throughout his life . . .

Anna – Chloe

Nina Dobrev provided some much needed levity (and pants-lessness) to this dark and twisted thriller about the complex psycho-sexual relationship formed between a married gynecologist (Julianne Moore), and the looney tunes call-girl (Amanda Seyfried) said gynecologist hires to seduce her husband (Liam Neeson).  Nina plays Anna, the girlfriend of the main characters’ son in the film. 

While she’s certainly nice to look at, “Anna” doesn’t exactly seem like the sharpest tool in the shed.  Check out Anna’s reaction when Julianne Moore’s character learns the young woman has spent the night in her son’s bed . . .

Goth Girl – Away from Her

Of all the Nina clips I’ve shown you today, this one, from the Academy Award nominated film Away from Her is probably my favorite.  It features Nina in a way we’ve never quite seen her before.  Goth Girl is a person who most of Nina’s other characters probably wouldn’t have anything to do with . . . well, except for maybe Vampire Katherine . . .

Something tells me these two would have A LOT of fun together . . .

Speaking of Vampire Katherine, I thought I’d end this tribute post with a fun little scene from The Vampire Diaries, in which Elena and Katherine come face to face with one another for the first time.  The scene is from an episode entitled “Memory Lane” from Season 2.  Enjoy!

Happy Birthday, Nina Dobrev!  Here’s hoping your 22nd year provides you with as much fun and entertainment as your first 21 have given us!

[www.juliekushner.com]

Where the Falls Meets the Creek: Damon and Elena versus Pacey and Joey

Through these long winter hiatus months, since I can’t watch TV, I tend to spend A LOT of time talking about it.  Recently, one television-related conversation, in particular, has been cropping up among my friends on a fairly regular basis.  Not surprisingly, the conversation involves my two FAVORITE shows of all time: The Vampire Diaries and Dawson’s Creek, and my two FAVORITE TV Couples of all time, Damon and Elena and Pacey and Joey.  Coincidentally, both of these aforementioned shows, and ALL FOUR of the aforementioned characters, were produced and penned by THIS GUY . . .

Basically, what my pals and I have been discussing ad nauseum of late, are the many ways in which Damon’s and Elena’s relationship in The Vampire Diaries seems to be following the same trajectory as Pacey’s and Joey’s relationship followed in Dawson’s Creek.  (Truth be told, we are all kind of hoping this means that both stories will have the SAME conclusion.  *hint, hint, wink, wink*)

 And so, to commemorate the many conversations that have characterized my TV-less month,  I’ve decided to put all of our collective thoughts on this topic down on paper screen.  But before I do so, special thanks must be paid to three very special folks, in particular, who helped make this post happen. (So, if you absolutely hate it . . . BLAME THEM! ;)).  A big hug goes out to the Always Brilliant Amy, who once wrote a post similar to this, and who never fails to catch my random Dawson’s references, whenever they pop up in daily conversation (which is quite often); the Always Awesome Cherie who analyzes TV couples like nobody’s business; and Madeleine, who’s insightful comment to one of my posts caused me to go on a tirade that ended up being the genesis for the post you are reading now.

Howdy, Fellow Fangirls!

So, without further adieu, I bring to you . . . “Where the Falls Meets the Creek” . . .

Elena and Joey – Because Everyone Loves a Spunky Orphan!

Both Elena and Joey grew up in small towns that were rich in tradition, and characterized by WAY TOO MANY community gatherings.  At relatively early ages, both girls were orphaned, due to tragic circumstances (OK . . . that was kind of redundant.  Extra points to anyone who can come up with a not “tragic circumstance” that results in someone becoming an orphan).  As a result of said orphan status, both Elena and Joey were raised (at least through their teenage years) by not particularly maternal (useless) 20-something female family members, who, though “nice people,” would much rather be boinking their current Flavor of the Month Boyfriend than raising a teenage girl . . .

As a result of said parentage (or lack thereof), both Elena and Joey became mature beyond their years, highly self-sufficient, spunky, and a bit moody.  Speaking of said moodiness, neither girl is averse to sporting a Poopy PussFace, when things aren’t going her way . . .

 

Damon and Pacey – Because Black Sheeps have never been so SEXY (or so much fun)!

Both Damon and Pacey are “Bad Boys” in their own right.  Though admittedly, Damon’s murderous bloodsucking ways FAR edge out, Pacey’s “bad grades and back talking” in the naughty department. 

Pacey . . . being a “Bad Ass”

Damon and Pacey were both Black Sheep in their respective families.  Their parents were constantly comparing them to their fairer haired, more well-behaved counterparts.  For Damon, that meant being expected to measure up to his brother, Stefan . . .

For Pacey, it was his over-achieving best friend, Dawson . . .

Rather than brood and sulk about these unfair comparisons, Damon and Pacey combatted them with snarkiness, sarcasm, charm, good senses of humor, and matching general “Ughhhh .  . . who cares?” attitudes toward life.

The Love Triangles

When both The Vampire Diaries and Dawson’s Creek first began, both Damon and Pacey had to take a romantic “backseat” to the fair-haired boys to which they were always compared, when it came to the female objects of their respective desires.  Elena started dating Stefan, around the second episode of The Vampire Diaries . . .

 . . . and though Joey and Dawson didn’t actually become a “couple” until the Season 1 Finale of Dawson’s Creek, it was clear, throughout most of the early episodes, that these two had it bad for one another . . .

 

From Frenemies to Friends (with some SERIOUS SEXUAL TENSION en route)

Though the Blonde Boys had Elena’s and Joey’s hearts, early on in their respective series, the Brooding Brunettes seemed to take up a LOT OF THEIR sexual energy.  Elena and Joey each expressed some pretty passionate feelings of anger toward Damon and Pacey, during the first few episodes of their shows.  As for Damon and Pacey  . . . well . . . they were just acting like HORN DOGS, plain and simple!  And yet, it’s possible that our Bad Boys suspected even then, that their time for romance was just around the corner.  After all, as Vampire Katherine says, “Hate . . . That sounds like the beginning of a love story.  Not the end of one.”

Eventually, Our Boys’ persistence paid off, and they both became friends with their Dreamgirls . . .

 

They’re Bringing Sexy Back

Now, friendships are great and all, but they don’t keep you warm at night.  Our Boys have NEEDS!  So, while Damon and Pacey waited for Elena and Joey to come to their senses, they engaged in sexy times with others.  First, they each hopped into bed with an “Older” Woman.  For Pacey, it was his English Teacher Miss Jacobs.  For Damon, it was his former fling, that OLD AS HECK Vampire, Katherine, who, you guessed it, bore a startling resemblance to Elena . . .

But when those sexual relationships fizzled, it was time to move on to the “Friends with Benefits.”

Both Damon and Pacey were “lucky” enough to find female friends with punky haircuts, who were willing to offer them No Frills Sex, while they both waited for the girls they REALLY wanted.  For Damon it was the ALSO OLD AS HECK, Vampire Rose, for Pacey, it was gal pal, Jen Lindley . . .

I Get By With a Little Dancing Help from my Hot Friends . . .

Though they may have been “getting jiggy” with other girls, Elena and Joey were never far from Damon’s and Pacey’s minds.  And when both females needed a dancing partner in a pinch, each male suitor was right there, and waiting to boogy.  For Joey, she needed Pacey’s dancing feet to help her land a ballroom dancing-related college scholarship.  And though they both had two left feet, the chemistry between the pair on the dance floor, was simply undeniable . . .

As for Damon, he stepped in as Elena’s dance partner, during the Miss Mystic Falls pageant, while Stefan was off on a bloodaholic rampage . . .

Cue the Sexy Mating Dance . . . 

On the dance floor, a technically flawless Damon and Elena circled one another, like a pair of very dignified wild animals in heat.  And the highly sexualized way in which they looked at one another, was enough to melt your TV screen . . .

Given the pair’s mad dancing skills, it’s really a wonder Elena didn’t actually win the Miss Mystic Falls competition.  Then again, losing the competition put Elena in good company.  After all, a certain Miss Josephine Potter ALSO garnered the second place spot in HER race for the Miss Capeside crown . . .

 

Don’t MESS with the GIRLFRIEND of a Brooding Bad Boy!

When Damon and Pacey weren’t sweeping Elena and Joey off their respective feet, they were kicking the crap out of others, to defend their honor.  When some D-bag bully had the NERVE to deface Joey’s high school mural, Pacey THREW HIM OVER A CAR!

(This video may look long.  But, fortunately, the fight scene is right at the beginning.  So, enjoy!)

As for Damon, he was even willing to beat up a GIRL to defend Elena’s honor!  It’s just kind of strange that the GIRL ended up being Elena’s biological mother, and someone with whom he used to do the horizontal mambo . . .

“I love you so much, even the drool on your pillow is sexy!”

Beating the crap out of people to defend your lover’s honor can be tiring.  But do Damon and Pacey just get under their covers, and go to sleep when the fighting’s all over?  HECK NO!  Instead, they simply sit back, relax, and let Elena and Joey do all the sleeping for them . . .

Bad Boys Drink Their Feelings . . .

Despite all the sleep-watching, ass-whooping, and screwing Damon and Pacey do, in hopes of forgetting their respective heartaches, sometimes the pain of unrequited love STILL gets to be too much.  And when that happens, Damon and Pacey do what ANY self-respecting Bad Boy would do, in such a situation:  They get sh*t-faced, and self-destructively pour their hearts out to the women they love . . .

(Normally, I’d include Damon’s drunken confessional here too.  However, as you’ll see in a bit, Damon’s drunk speech to Elena is SO INTENSE that it belongs in another category entirely . . .)

“If at first you don’t succeed, Face Rape again  . . .”

Damon and Pacey are both highly romantic creatures, who KNOW unequivocally, when they are in love.  For romantic sexual beings like these, it’s incredibly hard to cope, when the object of your affection OBVIOUSLY feels the same way you do, but is blind to her feelings of love, due to circumstances beyond your control.  When such situations occur, Brooding Bad Boys like Damon and Pacey take the bull by the horns, and confront the women they love, with a strong and forceful kiss on the lips, thereby FORCING the females to take stock in their own feelings.  And yet, there’s a Right and a Wrong way to do such things. 

Hint:  Drunk and Self-Destructive Damon (see description above) did it the WRONG WAY . . .

But my Main Man Pacey . . . well . . . he’s got Sexy Face Rape down to science!

You GO BOY!

True Love Requires Patience and Self-Sacrifice

Now sober, a contemplative Damon decides to once again, let Elena know how he feels about her.  However, in contrast to the selfish Take-No-Prisoners Face Rape we witnessed earlier, this time, Damon’s second declaration is all about patience and self-sacrifice.  Wrongly Convinced that Elena is better off with Stefan, Damon speaks to Elena in a manner that is completely and heartbreakingly selfless.  After all, not only does our lovestruck vampire tell Elena that, even though he loves her, he shouldn’t be with her, for her own good, he also MAKES HER FORGET what he has said, so that she is not faced with making a choice that he feels may ultimately put her in danger . . .

Pacey’s second declaration of love for Joey is also more gentle than his first, and similarly tinged with self-sacrifice.  Rather than going in for a second Face Rape, Pacey actually gives Joey ten seconds to stop the kiss, if she decides that she does not return his affections (well . . . not really . . . but at least he tried).

“I have to protect her.  No matter what the cost”

Lest we forget how all this got started, I call your attention to Season 3, Episode 1 of Dawson’s Creek, during which Dawson, who has just rebuffed Joey’s sexual advances for some ridiculously moronic reason that I don’t recall, asks Pacey to “look out for her”  on his behalf.  Pacey, being the loyal friend that he is and not nearly as big of a Mental Midget as Dawson “reluctantly” agrees to the request . . .

Later, in that same episode, Pacey and Joey share an exchange that we now know marked the beginning of their official courtship . . .

By the way, you know who else, aside from me, is a HUGE Dawson’s Creek fan?  Vampire Katherine.

This is probably why warning bells went off in HER head for Stefan, when he made THIS bonehead (but brilliant, as far as Delena fans are concerned) move at the end of Season 2, Episode 11 of The Vampire Diaries . . .

If Dawson’s Creek is any indication, Delena fans will one day look back at Stefan’s request as the genesis for more or THIS . . .

and this . . .

 . . . which will, hopefully, eventually lead to some of THIS . . .

 . . . and THIS . . .

 . . . and EVENTUALLY THIS . . .

(Only THIS time, Elena will be on the bottom, NOT Katherine ;))

Sorry Boys!  One thing we’ve all learned about history, is that it’s doomed to repeat itself . . . And one thing we’ve learned about True Love . . .

 . . . is that it conquers all!

Well, that’s all I’ve got.  See you on the flipside, my fellow Delena and PJ fans!

[www.juliekushner.com]

Party on, Team Delena! – My Top Ten Damon and Elena Moments from The First Half of The Vampire Diaries’ Second Season

Shortly after The Vampire Diaries aired its first Season Finale, I “came out of the closet” on this very blog, as a firm and vehement supporter of Team Delena, or, as I like to call it “The TVD Mother Ship.”  I then went on to cement my fangirl allegiance to this fabulous television couple, by analyzing their ten most sizzling Season 1 moments. 

Well, now we are nearly halfway done with Season TWO of The Vampire Diaries.  With eleven new episodes under our belt, and an interminably LONG mid-season hiatus staring us down, like an unfed Stefan Salvatore . . .

 . . . I thought it was high time we revisited this topic again!  Wouldn’t you agree?

Source

(I’ll take that as a “Yes!”)

Admittedly, it hasn’t exactly been the easiest of seasons for us Delena fans.  For one thing, there was that whole “Damon sort of/ kind of temporarily killed Elena’s little brother” thing that happened in the season premiere  . . .

The aforementioned event not only forced us to endure OODLES of annoying smack talk from Stelena fans the world over, it also royally PISSED OFF ELENA (understandably so).  As a result, Damon (and the rest of us) were subjected to Elena’s “Poopy PussFace” virtually nonstop, for at least the first three episodes . . .

 

Suffice it to say that Poopy PussFace and Happy Couples generally do not mix . . .

And yet, we’re talking about a couple that’s one-half vampire here.  And when you’re already undead, what doesn’t kill you, only makes you MORE AWESOME . . . 

For me, the fact that Damon and Elena endured the unfathomable angst and drama of the “Jeremy Neck Snap,” and yet STILL managed to muster up all the fire, energy, and super sexy moments they shared, during the first half of Season 2, only serves to show the sheer strength of their relationship.  Because when two people can survive something like THAT, and still manage to constantly eye f*ck eachother, and invade one another’s personal space like nobody’s business . . . now, that’s a couple who’s playing FOR KEEPS!

And now that I’m off my soap box, we can start this post in earnest. 

So, without further adieu, I bring to you, my Top Ten Delena moments from the first half of Season 2 of The Vamprie Diaries . . .

[Note:  As you probably know by now, the CW is SUPER finicky about its clip embedding.  So, when you see the YouTube screens, simply click on the internal links included within them.  That should direct you to the Delena-filled video you desire. 🙂  Sorry for the inconvenience!]

10. Pillow Talk

Episode: “By the Light of the Moon” – 2 X 11

Setting the Scene:

After returning from a “Kamikaze Death Mission,” which involved attempting to give herself up to the EEEEEEVIL Santa Klaus, in order to save the people she loves from certain death, Elena seems determined to put herself in harms way, yet again.  But when she tries to leave home with the stolen Moonstone, in order to “rescue” Stefan from Katherine’s Hot Sex Den, Elena is shocked to find that Bonnie (at Damon’s bidding) has charmed the windows and doors, thereby making Elena a prisoner in her own home.

Enter a very glib Damon Salvatore, who seems very much looking forward to a day filled with gloating, flirting, and, if all goes well, a friendly game of Tonsil Hockey with his good pal / hostage, Elena Gilbert.

Potent Quotables:

DAMON: (After being on the receiving end of one of Captive Elena’s infamous Death Stares) “Awwww come on, Pouty!  At least give me two points for ingenuity.”

ELENA:  “Do you think this is funny?”

DAMON: “Yes, Elena.  I find hilarity in the lengths I have to go to to repeatedly save your life.”

And later  . . .

DAMON: (To Jeremy, when the latter inquires as to where Bonnie is) “She’s on moonstone duty, and I’m on (inclines head toward Elena) Elena Patrol.”

Still later  . . .

DAMON: (To Elena, after being called away by Alaric, on yet another Team Bad Ass Mission) “You should get out.  Enjoy the sun.  Oh . . . wait . . . You Can’t.”

ELENA: *throws pillow at his head*

Why it made the list:

This small scene truly represents the lighthearted, fun nature of the Damon and Elena relationship.  For me, this is one of things that differentiates Delena from Stelena.  When Elena is with Stefan, she is definitely sweet and romantic, but nearly always, serious.  Damon brings out a certain feistiness in Elena.   He makes her blood boil.  And from my experience, when a guy makes you hot emotionally and mentally, he makes you hot sexually, as well . . .

Stefan tends to act tentative and cautious when he’s around Elena.  It’s almost as if he’s afraid he’s going to break her, or something.  Damon has no such qualms about giving back to Elena, whatever she dishes it out, be it a witty barb, or flying fist, or a pillow.  Damon respects Elena.  She is his equal, and he finds that incredibly sexy.  Check out the way Damon’s eyes light up, when he sees Elena for the first time in this scene.  Watch how he plops on the couch, and places an arm around her, as if the pair are out on a date, and not on “House Arrest.”

But, perhaps, more important than how Damon behaves, and what he says, is how he acts and what he does.  Damon obviously feels it is his duty to protect Elena.  He shows that in this scene, by willingly going on Elena Patrol.  After all, Damon knows that Elena would do the same thing to protect HIM, if he was in danger. 

Damon and Elena can banter and snipe at one another all day long.  But that doesn’t obscure the fact that these are two people who care deeply for eachother, and are each unconditionally willing to sacrifice their own lives for the other’s safety.

9.  It’s Too Late to Apologize . . .

Episode: “Plan B” – 2 X 6

Setting the Scene:

Katherine’s plans to use Boy Toy Mason and the Moonstone as her keys to wriggle off the top of Santa Klaus’ “Most Likely to Be Gutted Like a Fish” list, were thwarted when Stefan, Elena and the Scooby Gang stole the Moonstone, and Damon murdered Mason in a vengeance- fueled rage . . . 

But Damon REALLY effed things up, when he called Katherine to gloat about it.  Katherine, who was definitely not used to losing, decided to make ELENA pay for Damon’s crimes, by compelling Useless Aunt Jenna to try to off herself with a kitchen carving knife. 

Up until this point, Stefan and Elena had “fake” broken up, in order to keep Katherine from using Elena as a pawn in her Dirty Little Games.  But, since Katherine went after Useless Aunt Jenna anyway, Elena tearfully decides that she needed to break up with Stefan for real.  Damon witnesses the heart-wrenching breakup scene, and feels deeply responsible for the unhappiness of his brother, and the woman he loves.

Potent Quotables:

DAMON: (Calls out to Elena, as she is rushing out the door) “Elena!”

ELENA:  *turns and looks at Damon*

DAMON: (Near tears) “I riled Katherine up.  I wasn’t thinking . . . I DIDN’T THINK . . .”

ELENA: “It doesn’t matter, Damon.  She won.  Katherine won.”

Why it made the list:

This scene truly exemplifies how much Damon has grown as a character, since we met him in early Season 1.  Here’s a guy who’s love interest has just BROKEN UP WITH HER BOYFRIEND.  He should be OVER THE MOON.  Now’s his chance to SWOOP IN AND MAKE HIS MOVE.  But Damon isn’t happy about Elena’s breakup with Stefan at all.  In fact, he’s devastated over it.  He feels guilty about the pain his hubris and rage have unwittingly caused his brother, the possible one true love of his life, and her family.

When Damon calls to Elena in this scene, he is almost in tears.  Her being in pain, causes him twice as much pain.  And though few words are exchanged between Damon and Elena in this scene, volumes are implied.  With his sad eyes, Damon tells Elena he is sorry for the part he played, not only in Jenna’s compelled suicide attempt, but in Elena’s breakup with Stefan too. 

In turn, Elena looks at Damon with compassion and forgiveness.  She does not blame Damon for what happened to Jenna, or what happened between her and Stefan.  As far as Elena is concerned, this is her fight, and her’s alone.  And yet, she can’t help but be touched by Damon’s remorse, as it is a surefire sign of his growing humanity – something she not too long ago feared that he might have lost forever.

8. Paradise by the Dashboard Light

Episode: “Bad Moon Rising” – 2 X 3

Setting the Scene:

Elena is still UBER pissed at Damon for the whole “Jeremy Neck Snap” thing.  But, Damon and Alaric are going on a Werewolf Research Roadtrip to Duke, and Elena desperately wants to tag along.  She hopes to collect some intel from the school, as to why the heck she looks exactly like Katherine.  Despite her supposed anger at Damon, sexual tensions between the Bad Boy Vamp and the Good Girl are super high, throughout the trip.  Could this mean that Elena is starting to forgive Damon for his recent sins?  Or is she merely using him to get the information she needs, as Katherine did 140 some odd years ago?

Potent Quotables:

DAMON: “You are not going to be able to hate me forever.”

And later . . .

DAMON: “You have every right to hate me.  I understand.  You hated me before, and we became friends.  It would suck, if that was gone forever.  So, is it?  Have I lost you forever?”

Why it made the list:

Even though Elena tells Damon at the end of this scene, that he has lost her forever, we can tell, based on the way she looks at him, and acts around him, that this is not true.  Elena was so angry with Damon for “killing” Jeremy, at this point in the season, that she desperately wanted to hurt him.  And she did so by toying with his affections for her, and using them to get information about Katherine. 

But remember, boys and girls, Nina Dobrev, may be an actress, but ELENA isn’t.  And her body language . . . ((1) the way she stared deeply into Damon’s eyes when he cornered her by the car; (2) the way her breath caught when he leaned close to her; (3) her obvious feelings of gratitude toward Damon, when he gave her the Petrova Book; (4) and the way she took a pause to ponder what Damon said about how their friendship — having initially grown from hatred — would likely be able to sprout from that same place again) . . . well, it doesn’t lie.

It’s also worth noting the extensive amount of thought Damon has obviously given his relationship with Elena, even at this early stage of the season.  He obviously values her, not just as a prospective love interest, but as a friend, and fellow partner in crime,  And Damon would rather be friends with Elena than nothing at all . . . Given how much in love with her he obviously is, and the very selfish things he has done in the past, his willingness to maintain a completely platonic relationship with the woman he loves says volumes about his growing character . . .

7. The Face Rape

Episode: “The Return” 2 X 1

Setting the Scene:

The season premiere pretty much seemed like it comprised Damon’s WORST DAY EVER!  First, he learned that the woman he kissed on Elena’s porch was NOT actually Elena, but rather the EEEEEEEVIL Katherine, who had spurned Damon all those years ago.  When Damon confronts Elena about the faux-kiss, not only does she have no memory of the event occuring, she acts as though kissing Damon Salvatore would be the most awful thing in the world that could happen to her.  (MORON!)

Damon gets rejected AGAIN, when, after a rousing bout of sex with Katherine . . .

 . . . SHE tells him that SHE never loved him, and was only using him to get into his brother Stefan’s pants, all those years ago . . .

So, Damon responds by doing what most boys do, when they get rejected, multiple times, by multiple women, within the same 24-hour period . . . he gets TOTALLY WASTED!

But then . . . rather than drunk dialing (or drunk texting or drunk e-mailing) Elena, like most boys would do, Damon takes his humiliation one step further, by showing up in her bedroom uninvited . . .

 Potent Quotables:

ELENA: “Thanks for . . . umm . . . looking out for us . . . for me.”

DAMON:  “You’re surprised that I thought you would kiss me back.  You can’t imagine that I would believe that you would want to . . . that what we’ve been doing here means something.  You’re the liar, Elena.  There is something going on between the two of us. and you know it.  And you are lying to me, and you are lying to Stefan, and most importantly, you are lying to yourself.”

ELENA – “You are better than this . . . I care about you . . . I do . . . I care about you.”

Why it made the list:

Some of you might be wondering why, as a Delena fan, I would possibly include this painful, relationship-shattering scene in my countdown.  But here’s the thing . . . while horrible and painful, this scene between Damon and Elena is important to Delena fandom, as it is the very first time BOTH Damon and Elena express their feelings for one another.  That’s right, I said BOTH . . . because Elena DOES admit to caring about Damon in this very scene.

Instinctively, Elena understands the pain Damon has undergone in this episode.  And she knows that he is coping with it, in a self destructive way.  She fears for him, and, at least initially, tries to take care of him, as a mother might take care of an unruly child. 

But Damon, drunk and bitter, as he may be, sees Elena’s care and concern for what it is . . . the underpinings of love.  When Damon confronts Elena with HER feelings toward him, she is clearly not ready to accept them mentally.  But emotionally, we see something click inside Elena.  And had Damon been more sober, had he gone for a sweet and gentle kiss, as opposed to the Face Rape, had he NOT lashed out at Jeremy in anger, there’s no telling what COULD have happened between Damon and Elena in this scene . . .

6. Why Can’t We Be Friends?

Episode: “Kill or Be Killed” – 2 X 5

Setting the Scene:

Wolfy Mason MAJORLY screwed over Stefan and Damon, by outing them as vampires to Caroline’s mom, Sheriff Forbes.  The vampire-hating Sheriff then shot up Damon and Stefan, and locked them in a dungeon for interrogation.

The Sheriff is just about to stake the uncooperative vampires, when her own daughter arrives and outs HERSELF as a vampire to her mother. 

The distraction allows Damon to get the upper hand, and an opportunity to finish off Sheriff Forbes . . . but he doesn’t.  “Relax, you’re my friend,” he tells her sweetly.

Rather than murder the Ole’ Battle Axe, Damon decides to keep her entombed, until the vervain ingested has left her system.  This way, they can compel her to forget what had gone down.  And they all live happily ever after.  (Well . . . not Mason . . . but that’s another story entirely . . .)

Potent Quotables:

ELENA:  “What you did for Caroline’s Mom . . . that’s the Damon who was my friend.”

DAMON: “Hey  . . . Stefan didn’t drink the People Blood . . . if you’re curious.  But he needs to.  And deep down, you know it.”

Why it made the list:

This scene really marks the first time we see Elena admitting that she is starting to forgive Damon for what he has done to Jeremy.  By telling Damon that he has done something honorable — something that reminds her of their former friendship — Elena is acknowledging that she no longer sees Damon as lacking humanity, and she no longer “hates” him.  Elena appreciates the sacrifice of pride Damon made on Caroline’s behalf, and the way in which he still considers Caroline’s mother “a friend,” despite the fact that she tried to have him killed.  If Damon can forgive someone like Caroline’s mom for what she did to him, shouldn’t Elena be able to forgive Damon for what he did to Jeremy?

5. Break Me, Stake Me, Anyway You Want Me

Episode: “Brave New World” – 2 X 2

Setting the Scene:

Caroline has just turned vamp, after having fed on Damon’s blood, prior to being smothered to death by Katherine.  Remembering what happened to Vicki Donovan, Damon views the tempestuous Caroline as a major liability to his way of life.  And so he plans to remove the “un” from Caroline’s “undead” status . . .

Potent Quotables:

ELENA: (about Caroline) “Damon, she’s my friend!”

DAMON:  “Whatever happens, it’s on YOU.”

Why it made the list:

Like the previous example, here we see Damon making a personal sacrifice, based on his strong belief in the power of friendship.  Despite the fact that Damon sees Vampire Caroline as a liability — a danger to herself and others — Damon decides not to harm her, because doing so would hurt ELENA.  Last season, we learned about how important trust is to Damon Salvatore.  This season, we learn how much he also values friendship. 

Oh, and did you notice the heavy sexualized breathing and eye f*cking Damon and Elena were doing, as she thrust her body into his, in order to deflect that phallic stake from Caroline?  SUPER HOT!

4. Shot Through the Heart

Episode: “Bad Moon Rising” – 2 X 3

Setting the Scene:

While searching through Isobel’s office at Duke University, Damon and Elena encounter one of her former students, the VERY ambitious Vanessa.  Vanessa recognizes both Damon and Elena (Katherine?) from Isobel’s research, and doesn’t trust the pair as far as she can throw them.  Did I mention girlfriend is REALLY handy with a crossbow?

Potent Quotables:

DAMON:  “Pull it out . .  I can’t reach it Elena.  Just pull the damn thing out.  It hurts . . .”

ELENA: “You are not going to kill her.  You touch her, and, I swear, I will never speak to you again.”

DAMON:  “What makes you think that has any power over me?  Because I took an arrow in the back for you?  You are severely overestimating yourself.

ELENA: “Right . . . I forgot that I was speaking to a psychotic mind, who snaps and kills people.”

DAMON:  “You are trying to manipulate me.”

ELENA: “If by manipulate you mean ‘tell the truth’ . . . then fine . . . GUILTY.”

Why it made the list:

This Delena scene was FUN with a capital “F,” and sexy with a capital “S.”  The obvious analogies to sex that were made as Elena was ejecting that LARGE BOW from Damon’s back would be totally comical, if both parties weren’t obviously so turned on by them.  I loved how Damon saved Elena’s life here, ONCE AGAIN.  And, yet, she still found time to berate him, and basically call him a psychopath.  Most guys would be infuriated by this, but Damon was clearly enjoying the back and forth of it all.  With Elena pissed at him, the banter was likely one of the things he missed most.

When Damon and Elena are done thrusting their large members at one another, they get into a surprisingly deep discussion of manipulation and the sexual and emotional power each member of the pair has over the other.  Later, we learn that Elena might have been using this power to her advantage,  But at this moment, Damon doesn’t seem to mind being used one bit. . .

3. The Lover’s Quarrel

Episode:  “The Sacrifice” – 2 X 10

Setting the Scene:

Damon and Elena return together from Elena’s Suicide Road Trip to Meet Santa Klaus.  Once home, they learn that Doofus Stefan inadvertently got himself “stuck” in Katherine’s Hot Sex Den.  Elena immediately wants to rush the tomb and save Stefan from Hot Sex with Katherine.  But Damon would rather Team Delena have their own Hot Sex first . . .

Potent Quotables:

ELENA:  “How could you let this happen?”

DAMON:  “What are you talking about? I was too busy saving YOU from your kamikaze mission!  It was the right call, Elena.”

ELENA:  “Right call?  How is any of this the right call?”

ELENA: “Damon, let go of me!  LET GO OF ME . . . Let go of me.  Please!”

DAMON:  “Are you done?”

And later:

STEFAN:  (To Damon)  “Promise me .  . . whatever happens . . . you will protect her.”

DAMON:  “Promise.”

Why it made the list:

Aside from the obvious groping, thrusting, heavy breathing, and personal space invasion (all of which was AWESOME, by the way), what stuck out most for me about this scene was the way Damon and Elena effortlessly assumed a sort of husband and wife dynamic with one another.  Stefan hadn’t even been trapped for 10 minutes, and already Damon and Elena were bickering like an old married couple.  For me, this scene provided a very nice glimpse into what I have no doubt will be the future of our Delena pairing: namely, clever partnerships, followed by heated arguments — arguments which will inevitably devolve into the most mind-blowing makeup sex known to man . . .

2. The Fiercest Foreplay

Episode: “The Sacrifice” – 2 X 10

Setting the Scene:

Remember earlier, when I referenced Elena’s Suicide Road Trip to Meet Santa Klaus?  Well, Damon found out about the Mission from Tattletale Rose and he was NOT HAPPY . . . (He WAS very horny though . . .)

Potent Quotables:

DAMON:  “I said we are leaving .  . . You do not get to make decisions, anymore.”

ELENA:  “When have I ever made a decision?  You and Stefan do that for me . . . Now this is my decision.

DAMON:  “Who’s going to save your life, while you are out there making ‘decisions’?”

ELENA:  “You are not listening to me, Damon.  I do not want to be saved, not if it means that Klaus is going to kill every person that I love.”

DAMON:  “Get your ass out the door, before I throw you over my shoulder, and carry you out myself.”

Why it made the list:

Elena’s body language is the most intriguing aspect of this scene.  By the time we get to episode 11, we already know how Damon feels for Elena.  He has made his feelings known on more than one occasion.  Yet, while we have gotten inklings of Elena’s sexual attraction to Damon before, never have they been this pronounced.  Watch how Elena inclines her head toward Damon, as if waiting for a kiss.  Watch the passion burn inside of her, as they lock eyes, and she feels the heat from his strong grasp surge through her body.  For the first time, Damon and Elena seem equally engaged in their struggle for emotional, mental, and sexual domination.  He clearly wants it, but, now so does SHE . . .

Let’s not forget, from a mental perspective, that Damon and Elena are both basically there for the SAME reason.  They want to save EACH OTHER from certain death.  In her struggles, Elena is trying desperately to prove to Damon, that she is not just the weak little nyphette, everyone assumes her to be.  She can act rashly, to save the people she loves,  just as easily as Damon can.  D

espite Damon’s words to the contrary, somewhere in those struggles, he begins to see that Elena might actually have a point.  Elena’sMarytr-Like Hero Complex might just directly match up with Damon’s.  And that’s a super hot prospect for both of the parties involved . . .

1. I Put a Spell on You (a.k.a. Damon Tells Elena He Loves Her)

Episode: “Rose” – 2 X 8

Setting the Scene:

Stefan and Damon (but mostly Damon) have just brought Elena back home, after she was kidnapped by Rose and Dead Trevor, and ALMOST re: kidnapped by EEEEEVIL Elijah . . .

During the kidnapping, Elijah removed Elena’s vervain necklace so that he could compel her to tell him where the precious Moonstone was currently hiding.  Somehow, during the staking of Elijah and all the fighting, and vampire fast running, Damon was able to retrieve Elena’s vervain necklace.  And so, Damon’s come through Elena’s window to return it to her . . . but not before he tells her something VERY IMPORTANT!

Potent Quotables:

DAMON:  “I just have to say something . . . Because what I am about to say is probably the most selfish thing I have ever said in my life . . . I just need to say this once.  You just need to hear it.  I love you, Elena.  And it’s because I love you that I can’t be selfish with you.  And why you can’t know this.  I don’t deserve you.  But my brother does. (*He moves to kiss Elena on the lips, rethinks it, and goes for the forehead*) I wish you didn’t have to forget this.  But you do.”

Why it made the list:

Gosh, how could this scene NOT make the list?  It was by far the most beautiful, romantic, enticing, and heartbreaking moments I have ever experienced on television.  I doubt even the staunchest Stelena fans didn’t tear up, as they watched Damon give Elena his heartfelt speech, chastely kiss her on the cheek, and cry softly, as he compeled her to forget the entire life-changing moment.

What’s so ironic about this scene, is that everything Damon says, seems to contradict what’s actually happening on the screen.  Here is Damon saying he’s about to do something selfish.  Yet, by keeping his love for Elena a secret from her, because he feels unworthy of any feelings she might have for him in return, Damon is performing the most selfless act imaginable. 

 Damon tells Elena that he does not deserve her.  And yet, his willingness to give up his own happiness, for her safety, and the happiness of his brother, shows Damon to be more than worthy of Elena’s love.

Time and time again, this season, Damon has reiterated his desire to protect Elena, and keep her safe and happy, above all else.  And if that’s not humanity, embodied in the form of True Love, than humanity simply doesn’t exist . . .

And, there you have it:  My Top Ten Delena Moments of the first half of Season 2.  What were YOURS?

[www.juliekushner.com]

“Stronger, Meaner . . . SEXY!” – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ Season 2 Premiere “The Return”

I’m a bitch, I’m a bitch
Oh the bitch is back
Stone cold sober as a matter of fact
I can bitch, I can bitch
`Cause I’m better than you
It’s the way that I move
The things that I do

                                            –– lyrics from Elton John’s oh-so-apropos-to-this-episode song, “The Bitch is Back”

*      *       *       *

“But you’re different.  Stronger, meaner . . . SEXY!”

These iconic words were uttered by Katherine at around the halfway point of The Vampire Diaries Season Premiere episode, “The Return.”  And, while they were certainly accurate, regarding the person to whom they refer [Stefan], if this episode is any indication, I would extend the comment to the ENTIRE Second Season of The Vampire Diaries.  After all, “The Return” was ALL of those adjectives, rolled into one deliciously bloody package.  STRONGER . . .

MEANER . . .

and most definitely SEXY!

But before I begin recapping this AMAZING episode, perhaps we should get some “academic” stuff out of the way, first.  If you are a “fangbanger” (i.e. LOVER of all things VAMPIRE) like I am, you probably already know that this genre comes with RULES.  And each vampire story — be it a television show, or a movie, or a book — tweaks those rules a little bit, to meet its needs.   Here are some examples:

Rule:  All vampires must act suspiciously Mormon . . .

Rule:  All vampires must act definitively NOT Mormon!

Understanding the vampire RULES of a particular story is important because it will help you understand the story itself.  It also might help you to predict what comes next.  And being able to predict what comes next, makes you SMART.  Kind of like THIS GUY . . .

The Vampire Diaries’ RULES were of particular importance to this episode  – perhaps, more so than any episode of the show that has aired so far.  So, without further adieu.  Here are our RULES:

1) The Ugly Ass Ring of (sort of) Immortality

For whatever reason, The Vampire Diaries has put much emphasis on this . . . the ugliest ring I have EVER SEEN!  This is the kind of ring that, if a kid found it in his cereal box, it would probably make him cry . . .

In fact, I’m convinced that the reason that people tend not to DIE when they are wearing this ring, is that they wouldn’t want to be caught DEAD IN IT!  (Sorry, Papa Gilbert!)  Ugly Ass Ring protects the wearer from death by any supernatural being, regardless of whether the death itself contained within it any sort of supernatural element.  So, for example, Ugly Ass Ring would protect you from Damon, and his penchant for breaking people’s necks . . .

. . . or HUNGRY Stefan, and his tendency toward the Accidental Draining of Humans . . .

. . . or Katherine and her love of (staking, hand chopping, pillow smothering, strangling, carotid artery devouring, etc.)

But, it would not protect you from drowning (again, sorry Papa Gilbert!) or from Useless Aunt Jenna BORING you to death . . .

(Note:  Ugly Ass Ring is not to be confused with “Sunscreen Ring,” which Damon, Stefan, Katherine, and seemingly EVERY vampire on the show wears to enable them to walk in the sun.  Clearly, there was a HUGE sale on Sunscreen Rings back at Vamp-Mart!  Ugly Ass Rings, however, are exceedingly rare.)

2) The Healing Powers of Vampire Blood

If ingested prior to, or shortly after injury, Vampire Blood can heal you, or, possibly, SAVE YOUR LIFE!

But it only lasts about 24 hours.  After that, you get hurt?  Get dead?  YOU’RE SCREWED!

3) Turning into a vampire . . .

If you’ve ingested vampire blood, and then DIE the same day — OR you ingest vampire blood at or near the time of your death — you WILL become a vampire.  Once that happens, you have THREE DAYS to feed on human blood, or you will die . . . for good, this time.

So, now that we’ve all got our RULES down, LET’S START THE SHOW!

“911.  What’s your emergency?”

Season 2 picks up literally right where Season 1 ended.  However, it replays the events from a slightly different perspective, so that fans can fill in the gaps of what actually went on here.  Again, we see Damon kiss Katherine, thinking she’s Elena . . .

. . . which is interrupted by LAME and Useless Aunt Jenna’s arrival.   She also INVITES Katherine inside!  (MORON!)  Useless Aunt Jenna then conveniently leaves to “talk to the fire chief,” or something else random like that.  Katherine explains this to Uncle / Father / Whatever John Gilbert, before CHOPPING HIS FINGERS OFF AND STAKING HIM IN THE TUMMY!

That’s ONE way to dispose of the Ugly Ass Ring . . .

Cut to Elena chatting with Stefan about how her “stuff” got stolen (by Katherine).  She wants Stefan to pick her up at the house and take her to the hospital to check on Caroline.  But when Elena enters the house she finds THIS . . .

Elena attempts to staunch John’s bleeding, while calling for an ambulance.  However, she SHOULD be calling for THIS GIRL, instead . . .

 John whispers something to Elena.  She can’t hear him, so she asks him to repeat himself.  “BEHIND YOU!”  He repeats, echoing what fans have been yelling at their television screens during the ENTIRE 911 call!

Elena then rushes up to Jeremy’s bedroom and finds him, as Season 1 left him, OD’ed on pills, passed out, and with a smidgeon of Vampire Anna’s blood in his system.  (IS HE DEAD?  HAS HE TURNED VAMP?) 

Elena screams his name a few times, and shakes him.  At first he is unresponsive.  However, after what seemed like WAY TOO LONG, he awakens, gasping loudly for air.

Cue the title card, which I am told is NEW, but looks more or less the same to me.  (I think they just added a blood drip, and took the old flower away.)

The CW Graphics Department:  Changing the way you view The Vampire Diaries . . . one missing flower at a time . . .

“You mean, I’m NOT a vampire?  Damn!”

Stefan arrives just as Uncle / Father / Whatever John is being carted off into the ambulance.  Elena rushes to Stefan telling him what SHE thinks happened — that one of the Tomb Vampires (a.k.a. Hidey Hole Vamps) followed her home, and staked Uncle / Father / Whatever for sh&ts and giggles.  Elena then takes Stefan into Jeremy’s room, where Stefan does some sort of creepy Jedi Mind Trick on him, to make sure he’s not a vampire.  (Why not just check his pulse?)  “He’s fine,” Dr. Stefan confirms.

“You mean, I’m not a vampire?  Damn!”  Jeremy pouts, reminding us just how young the character actually is. (And, in the process, making all fans over the age of 20, feel just a little dirty for lusting after him, in his new tan and floppy hairdo).

Elena can’t understand, for the LIFE of her, why ANYONE would want to be undead, and she tells Jeremy as much . . . RIGHT IN FRONT OF STEFAN.  (Ummm . . . yeah . . . way to be a supportive girlfriend, Fangbanger!)

Apparently, Elena only likes SPECIFIC portions of “vampire” inside of her . . .

Dr. Stefan explains to Jeremy that he didn’t take enough pills to off himself (SUICIDE FAIL!).  The “Kinder Gentler Vamp” then slaps Jeremy around a bit for talking back to Mommy and not eating his peas at dinner to convince him not to attempt SUICIDE THE SEQUEL.  Sure, Anna’s blood saved Jeremy’s life once.  But after a few hours, it will be gone from his system.  And next time, he might not be so lucky.  Mommy and Daddy Stefan and Elena ultimately decide to GROUND Jeremy.  Then, Elena heads off to the hospital alone, to check on Caroline.

“Does this mean I won’t get Christmas presents from Santa?”

“You’ve GOT to be KIDDING ME!”

“Ex-Girlfriend-Look-Alike-Who-I-REALLY-Want-to-Bang say WHAT?”

Back at the hospital, Matt and Bonnie are waiting outside Caroline’s room comforting one another . . .

 . . . while a surprisingly sensitive Damon comforts Caroline’s mom . . .

Which one is the cougar?

Then Elena comes, and Matt and Caroline’s mom inexplicably disappear (as both are wont to do, whenever anything good happens on this show).  Damon taunts Bonnie a bit about her inability to cure Caroline through witchiness.  He suggests that HE can heal Caroline by feeding her.  “The blood will be out of her system in a day,” explained Damon, nonchalantly.  (There go those RULES again .  . .)

Elena is skeptical about the whole thing, but Bonnie agrees with Damon.

 Then, Damon asks Bonnie if they can have “a TRUCE” and Bonnie says, “No!”

(Saying no to Damon?  That girl’s got some CAJONES!  Clearly, she’s never seen him do the Eye Thing . . .)

 Speaking of the Eye Thing, after Bonnie leaves, Damon lays a strong heaping helping of the stuff on Elena.  His fingers deftly grabbing hold of her tiny wrist, Damon propositions Elena to talk about “The Kiss that Made the Whole World Drool.”

“Listen, I know this is a bad time to discuss this, but I really think we should talk about what happened last night on the porch.”

(Oh, Damon.  You kissed a girl, and you actually want to TALK about it?  Boy, you ARE SMITTEN!  You are so DEEP in SMIT, it is not even funny. — Special thanks to Amy, for the “Deep in Smit” line ;)).

Elena, who of course, has NO CLUE what Damon is talking about, blows him off. 

“I know you want to forget about it, but I CAN’T!”  Damon stage whispers.

(Tsk, tsk . . . he’s like a needy pre-teen girlfriend.  Poor Damon!)

But just when we are about to have fun, Useless Aunt Jenna arrives, to spoil things again . . .

It’s Dr. Feel Bored!

Elena asks Jenna where she’s been.  When Jenna starts explaining how she SPOKE to Elena earlier (about her lame fire department errand), and Elena looks dumbfounded, Damon finally puts two and two together.  “You have GOT to be KIDDING ME!”  He exclaims, as the realization that he has just been Katherine-d, reaches his  skull . . .

“At least I fooled ONE of you . . .”

Stefan is at the Gilbert home babysitting Jeremy, when “Elena” returns (but WE know it’s actually Katherine, because she’s got big curly “F*ck Me” hair, and wears A LOT of eye makeup).

Stefan asks “Elena” about how Caroline is doing.  She says, “Not good,” and pulls him in for a hug.  Suddenly Stefan is TOTALLY vamped out, and has pushed Katherine against the wall.  (Unlike his brother, Stefan KNOWS his Straight Hair from his F*ck Me Hair!)

“Elena’s rollers don’t make curls that big.  And I would know, because I have borrowed them on MANY occasions . . .”

But the older, stronger, Katherine eventually gets the best of Stefan, and flips him to the ground like a WWF wrestler, disappearing just as Damon and Elena arrive back at the house.

Where do I know this facial expression from?

Yep!  That’s the one!

“What happened?”  A still clueless Elena inquires.

“Katherine happened,” explains Damon.

“If Katherine wants you dead, there is ZERO you can do about it!”

After heading upstairs to explain everything that is going on to Jeremy, Elena returns to the living room for the First Salvatore Summit of Season 2!

This small scene had some of the BEST quotes in the WHOLE episode!  So, please forgive me, if this section reads more like a script, than a recap.

“Katherine was in the house.  That means she’s been invited in by my Useless Aunt Jenna.  What do we do?”  Elena asks, nervously.

“MOVE preferably to mine and Stefan’s La Casa de Rich and Awesome,”  Damon snarks.  “Listen, if Katherine wants you dead you will be dead.  And there’s zero you can do about it.  But you’re NOT dead.  So, clearly, she has other plans.”

“Actually, Elena, I just stopped by to see if you would give me dance lessons.  And to ask whether you would mind terribly, if I ruined your ENTIRE life.”

But Stefan’s not really thinking about Homeland Security, right now.  He’s more concerned with GIRLFRIEND security.  Stefan wants to know what Katherine meant when she said, “At least I fooled one of you.”

Damon very proudly admits to falling for Katherine’s evil Elena Faking tricks, if only to lay this gem on his little brother.  “Just to prevent any more frown lines from forming on your very crowded forehead.  We kissed.”

“HEY!  I DO NOT HAVE WRINKLES!  I engage in a thorough cleansing and moisturing regimen on my face EVERY NIGHT, using six different creams . . .”

But, just in case, Stefan was unclear as to what Damon meant, Damon willingly elaborated.  “Two lips pucker and they .  . . (makes kissy noises).”

Now THOSE are lips MADE for kissing!

Stefan vampire lunges at Damon, but Elena stops the brawl, by explaining that SHE would NEVER kiss Damon.  (Nevermind, that she ALMOST kissed him, about 6 times last season . . .)

DENIAL, ain’t just a river in Egypt, Elena!

Once all the COCK fighting is done . . .

 . . . the next item on the agenda is figuring out what Katherine WANTS.

“She’s Katherine.   She loves to play games,” offers Damon. 

His proffered solution?  “Ignore the bitch . . .  then, we’ll stake her .  . . rip her head off . . . something poetic . . .”

(Ummmm .  . . and what kind of effed up POETRY is that, Damon?)

Elena’s and Stefan’s idea is a bit more cogent.   They figure, since Katherine tried to KILL Uncle / Father / Whatever John, he must know her motive.   So, off AGAIN to the hospital they go.

There, we learn that (1) Caroline’s alive (at least, for now); and

 . . . she has BAD taste in television.

I guess it would be too “meta” for her to watch The Vampire Diaries.

“I will turn you into a vampire, and watch you hate yourself more than you already do.”

“Uncle John, your lipstick is a bit smudged.  Mind if I fix it for you?”

Once Uncle John is done freaking out at the sight of his own biological daughter, who he THINKS is Katherine, Elena returns his Ugly Ass Ring, to what looks like his re-attached fingers?  Perhaps, Elena neatly packed them in brown doggie bag, before carting John off in the ambulance?  (She can be very maternal that way.)  Otherwise, I’m not quite sure how they got back . . .

“Look MA!  No hands!”

Uncle John, who’s basically IGNORED Elena her whole life (not to mention, LEFT her with USELESS AUNT JENNA!), suddenly decides he’s Father of the Year, and, therefore, deserves a say in his daughter’s life.  He starts talking smack on Stefan.  “Kill me, or get out!  Because I can’t stand the sight of you with MY daughter!”  He grandstands, looking SUPER manly, in his wimpy plastic hospital gown.

But Elena isn’t having ANY of it.    “You see the world with such hatred.  It is going to get you killed,” she seethes, before storming out and leaving her Bio Dad alone with an angry vampire.

That’s when Stefan does this . . .

“Tastes like chicken.”

After forcing a nice heaping portion of Type Vampire Blood down Uncle John’s throat, Stefan explains that if John doesn’t leave town within 24 hours (There’s that RULE again.), “I will turn you into a vampire, and watch you hate yourself more than you already do.”

(Sidenote:  It’s interesting to see this New Stefan, who has learned, since last season, to dole out his rage in a more controlled and effective manner.  No more munching on pageant princesses, when the hunger gets to be too much.  Also, Stefan’s comment to Uncle John about self-loathing, is a bit ironic — seeing as how, last season, Stefan was the most self-loathing vampire ON THE PLANET.  He used to believe that part of himself made him a monster.  Now he sees that he can use it to protect those he loves and get what he wants.  This scene is a perfect example of that.)

When Stefan admitted to Elena what he did, I expected her to be pissed and judgy.  But she was CLEARLY turned on by the whole thing . . .

“I’m totally undressing you with my eyes now, Stefan.”

Aren’t we all, Elena.  Aren’t we all . . .

“We haven’t officially met.  I’m Katherine.”

Meanwhile, the ENTIRE rest of the town seems to be at the Mayor’s mansion for the former Mayor Lockwood’s pre-funeral party(?), post-funeral party(?) . . . Whatever, it was, most of the guests were dressed more like they were going to hoedown,then to the home of a once prominent community figure.  Particularly, THIS GUY . . .

 . . . Mason Lockwood, who has many times been referred to as the “black sheep” of the Lockwood family, because he . . . likes surfing . . .

So, it was surprising to see this “black sheep” dressed in ALL WHITE.  Seriously, his outfit looked like the pajamas they make patients wear in mental hospitals.  (Note to Taylor Kinney’s wardrobe designer:  Was NOT a fan of Mason’s duds.  HOWEVER, I do have some pictoral suggestions, as to how you can remedy this problem.  Wanna see?)

Now, isn’t that much better?

At the mansion, Bonnie and Damon are busy engaging in Witty Eventually-We-Will-Screw Repartee.

“So, Bonnie, do you generally prefer to be on top, or on bottom?”

Damon taunts Bonnie, bragging about how he saved Caroline’s life.  This was the same life that Bonnie had put at risk, by handing over to Uncle John the Supernatural Dog Whistle thing that made Were Tyler swerve off the road, tossing Caroline’s body, rag doll style from the car.  Bonnie doesn’t like hearing the truth about herself.  So, she uses her witchy powers to shoot a large slushie in Damon’s mouth . . .

“At least she didn’t throw it in my face, like the do to all those Glee kids!”

 . . . giving him a massive case of BRAIN FREEZE!

At the exact same time, KATHERINE is entering the mansion, because TYLER invited her in, thinking she was Elena.  Bonnie also thinks she’s Elena.  So, she starts whining to the vamp about Damon, in such a way that you just KNOW she already has the hots for him.  “He just makes me sooooo UGGHHHH!”  She gripes.  (How many times have we heard THAT line in teen shows?  “UGHHHHHH” clearly = horny)

Bonnie also conveniently explains to Katherine how Caroline has Damon’s vamp blood in her system for a few more hours.  (Important later.)  But when Bonnie touches Katherine, her spidey sense tells her , “That’s one EVIL Bitch!”

“That’s my name.  Don’t wear it out.”

Bonnie’s suspicions are confirmed when she calls Elena on her cell phone, while Katherine is still in her line of sight, and Elena answers.  Bonnie tries to escape, but it’s too late.  “We haven’t met yet.   I’m Katherine,” says the vampire politely, before shoving Bonnie up against a wall and choking her.

Bonnie once again uses her inner Slushie to temporarily gain control, but Katherine regains it easily.  Finally, Bonnie is forced to spell the doors open, exposing Katherine to the rest of Mystic Falls.  And so, she is forced to behave.  How boring.  Fortunately, Stefan has arrived, to make things interesting for her (and us . . .)

“Wanna play with me?”

After drooling a bit over Elena’s ex and Caroline’s current Guy Friday, Matt  (“UGHHHHH . . . His eyes are SO BLUE!”  She coos.  See what I mean about the UGGHHHHH?), Katherine takes Stefan outside for a little chat.  “You wanna play with me,” she asks flirtatiously.

“How do I play, if I don’t know the rules?”  He inquires.

“No rules, Stefan,” she replies.

After being told he’s stronger, meaner, and sexy, the obviously aroused, Stefan (Can you blame him?  These two are HOT together, with a capital “OT”!), finally remembers he has a girlfriend.  “Don’t flirt with me, Katherine.  I’m not Damon.  I haven’t been pining over you for 145 years.”

“Based on your current choice of girlfriends, I’d say differently,” Katherine demurs (TOUCHE!)

Throughout the whole scene, the two characters are up in one another’s grills so much, you can almost see the steam rising from their bodies.  Katherine explains that she came back for Stefan — that it was always Stefan, and that it hurts that he has fallen for someone else.    Stefan assures her that he never loved her, that everything they had together was as a result of her compulsion on him, and that she is a “lying, selfish, manipulative bitch,” who he hates. (Gee Stefan, why don’t you tell us how you REALLY feel?)

“Hate, huh?   The way I see it, that’s the beginning of a love story, not the end,” posits Katherine, before calmly staking Stefan in the stomach with a poker.

Who knew the phrase “love hurts” could be taken so literally?

“Doppelganger hijinks ensued.”

“A Broody Damon is a Sexy Damon.  Heck, ANY Damon is a Sexy Damon!”

While Team Kefan fans are drooling over the Katherine / Stefan drama OUTSIDE, Team Delena fans are waiting hopefully for their favorite couple to return to their happy place, INSIDE.  Elena approaches Damon all concerned, and shrinky, wanting to “talk about his feelings.”   (Oh sure!  NOW she wants to talk . . .)  Back to being a typical dude, Damon claims he’s just fine.  “Doppelganger hijinks ensued,” and he lived to tell the tale.  (Give this man an “I SURVIVED Doppelganger Hijinks” t-shirt, please.)

But, not knowing when to give up, Elena keeps pushing Damon to open up, claiming that he is “hurt,” and in trying to deny that hurt will do something stupid.  (Gee, foreshadow, much?)

Knowing she’s right, Damon changes the subject to one he’s more interested in, “The Kiss.”  Clearly, all this time, some part of Damon (and some part of US fans) believed that, if Elena was on the porch with Damon that night, SHE would have kissed him too.  And its THAT thought, that keeps Damon going during what has already been a difficult episode for him.  And it’s about to get much worse.  “Why are you so surprised I would kiss you?”  Damon inquires probingly.

“I’m not surprised you kissed me.  I’m surprised you thought I would kiss you back,” responds Elena, without tone or emotion.

Massive hole in Damon’s heart #1

“Now, I’m hurt,” said Damon, sorrowfully, as the fans’ hearts collectively ache right along with his . . .

“I’d fight me!”

After skewering Damon’s most vital organ (at least, aside from his YOU-KNOW-WHAT), Elena heads outside to find Stefan hunched over, and nursing his own puncture wound.  Dr. Stefan, Nurse Elena is now reporting for duty!

Damon arrives outside, just in time to see Elena helping Stefan lift up his shirt, revealing those INSANE abdominals of his.  “Cover up, Fabio!  There’s a crazy ex on the loose!”  Damon needles.

“Hey, Fabio’s got NOTHING on ME!”

“Hey, was STEFAN ever in an “I Can’t Believe it’s NOT Butter,” commercial?   I don’t think so!”

Knowing the start of a Classic Pissing Contest when she sees one, Elena scampers away, and let’s the two “manly men,” duke it out over her LOVE (or lack thereof).  Damon gets in Stefan’s face and taunts him, desperately looking for a fight.

“Come ON!  Fight me!  I’d fight me!”  Damon taunts, shadow boxing like the adorable ten-year old he is deep down.

But Stefan is NO ten year old.  He’s not even a real 18 year old.  Stefan is 162.  And somewhere within the past year, he became “mature.” 

Maturity sucks!  I want to see a fight!

And yet, as much as I was disappointed that Damon and Stefan weren’t going to have a repeat of their classic Pilot Episode throwdown, I was PROUD of Stefan for FINALLY, after an entire season, being able to see the humanity in Damon.  “You kissed [Elena] because you feel something for her.   You care.  It means you are WILLING to feel something.”

Yep, Damon feels something all right . . .

But all joking aside, this was a very Sweet Salvatore Brother moment.  It was a moment when two brothers put aside their differences, and agreed to battle a common enemy, an enemy intent on tearing them apart.  You go BOYS!  (Plus, I’m sure they’ll fight over Elena at some point this season.  So, we haven’t totally missed out. . . . After all, good things come to those who wait.)

Speaking of fights . . . how did you LIKE Tyler tackling his MOM?

It takes a REAL man to fight a Mommy!

Mason explains to Tyler that his untenable rage is a result of the “Curse of Lockwood.”  (a.k.a. Were-curse)  And yet, you know what curse, I think Tyler has?  Curse of the Douchebag, that’s what!

Also on the NOT-Fighting list were Jeremy and Uncle / Father / Whatever John, who engaged in a rationale mature conversation about the merits of vampires (Jeremy was PRO, Uncle John, obviously, CON), whether Papa Gilbert was a vampire lover, the responsibility that comes with knowing supernatural secrets, and why the Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality didn’t save Jeremy’s Pop’s from death (See RULES above . . .).  On first watch, this seemed like a throwaway scene — seeing as Uncle John was skipping town, anyway.  However, I’ve come to view this little scene as one of the most important ones in the episode.  More on that later.

“Kiss me or kill me, which one will it be?”

I know, I know!  Damon never FULLY took his shirt off in THIS, the HOTTEST scene in TVD history.  But I really like this picture.  So, I decided to use it.  You got a problem with that? 🙂

After having what seemed to me like the crappiest day EVER (heart broken, brain frozen, no one to wrestle with), Damon arrives back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome to find Katherine sitting on his couch, in front of the Perpetually Burning Fire (of Damon’s heart).  The two banter back and forth a bit, testing eachother’s boundaries.  Katherine claims she’s leaving.  (LIE!)  Damon calls Katherine old. (BURN!)  Etcetera, etcetera, so on and so forth . . .

Until, Katherine utters her iconic line.  “Kiss me, or kill me, which one will it be?”

That’s when things get REALLY interesting . . .

At first, it seemed as though Damon would get the battle he was looking for.  Him and Katherine rolled on the floor together for bit, snarling and scratching eachother, testing eachothers’ ability to withstand pain.  But the more they clawed, the hotter they both became.  Suddenly, Damon was straddling Katherine, and kissing her neck and her lips.  And . . . yes . . . I do believe dry humping was involved.  Katherine closed her eyes in ecstacy.  “See?  That’s better,” she whispered, lustfully.

(See what you’re missing, Elena.  I gather STEFAN doesn’t go for rough sex!)

Then Katherine rises from the floor, and the two start fighting again.  Katherine pushes Damon against the wall.  She rips open his shirt.  He rips open hers.   And . . . . we are back to making out and dry humping . . . For a few moments, it REALLY looks like we are going to get an honest to goodness sex scene on the CW.  But then, to everyone’s MASSIVE disappointment, Damon, ever the glutton for punishment, requests a “brief pause.”

“WHAT . . . IS . . . WRONG . . . WITH  . . . YOU?!”

Poor Damon!  Well into his mid 160’s and STILL equating sex with love!  Silly boy!  Katherine is a Trick, and Trix are FOR KIDS!  A very emotional Damon tells Katherine that he will be willing to forget her basically screwing him over for  century and a half, if she just answers ONE question.  And, of course, we ALL know what that question will be . . . )

(LIE, KATHERINE!  LIE LIKE THE WIND — SO YOU CAN GET LAID . . .  and WE can WATCH!)

But Katherine DOESN’T lie.  She tells Damon that she NEVER loved him.  And that it was ALWAYS Stefan that owned her black heart.

The utter pain on Damon’s face in this moment, was enough to literally bring tears to my eyes.  I’m guessing brain freeze sounds like a good alternative to what you are feeling right now, huh Damon?

Massive holes in Damon’s hear #’s 2 through 145. 

“He got his wish.  I hate him!”

With all Damon endured during this episode, was it any wonder he turned toward the bottle?  Wouldn’t YOU?  At the Gilbert house, in Elena’s bedroom, Elena initially tried to comfort Damon, and stop him from being self-destructive.  She’s seen this train wreck coming ALL episode long, ever since Katherine re-entered their lives.  And yet, up until the last moment, she is still trying to avoid it.  Damon calls Elena a liar, for denying her feelings for him (which may very well be true.  But, of coruse, he is going about it ALL WRONG).

Then, in a move filled with heartbreak and desperation, Damon grabs Elena’s face and pulls it in for kiss, struggling with her as she tries to pull away.  The scene functions as a perfect contrast to the slow, sultry and gentle kiss that occurred between Damon and Faux-lena in the Season 1 Finale. 

Now, I’m Team Delena ALWAYS, so I was REALLY looking for something to get me hot in this kiss.  But, admittedly, there was very little.  Damon was too broken and too drunk to really work his mojo with Elena, and melt her heart the way we all KNOW he can.   This was Face Rape . . . plain and simple.  “I care about you.  I do.  I care about you,” Elena admits tearfully.  “But I love Stefan.  It has always been Stefan.”

(And, thus, we bear witness to the SECOND time in the episode, during which someone explicitly chooses Stefan over Damon.)

But this last one causes Damon to break, totally and completely.  After years of pushing aside his emotions, he finally let them win.  He fell in love . . .twice.  And all he got for it was heartbreak and pain.  He wants to turn off his feelings — the Great Vampire Myth, never truly realized.  He wants Elena to hurt the way he hurts.  But how?

And then it happens.  When Jeremy comes into the room, to see what all the commotion is about, we SEE Damon drunkenly rationalizing his next move, in that blurred head of his.  Others may dispute me, but I TRULY believe I saw him eye Jeremy’s hands, which were folded protectively across his chest.  Not just his hands.  His FINGERS. 

Then, Damon grabs Jeremy by the neck.  “You wanna be a vampire?”  He yells in the face of a petrified Jeremy.  “You wanna know what it’s like to turn your feelings off?  It’s really simple.  All you have to do is flip the switch and. . . SNAP,” concludes Damon, twisting Jeremy’s neck in one sharp turn, just as he did to Vicki the previous season.

Damon staggers backward, as Jeremy drops to the floor. Elena rushes to him, holding his hand to feel for a pulse.  Damon looks on sadly for a few moments, before leaving Elena alone to mourn.  (See?  If he REALLY thought Jeremy was dead, I DOUBT he’d be able to leave that calmly — especially in the highly emotional state he was in.)

Alone, a crying Elena looks at Jeremy’s fingers and sees the Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality, which, Uncle John must have given him prior to his departure from Mystic Falls.  Jeremy will live, it seems.  Now, Elena will just have to wait for him to wake up.  And then Stefan magically appears . . .

“I’m serious.  I have no clue when or how he got there.”

While Elena cradles Jeremy in her arms, waiting for him to reawaken, Stefan comforts Elena.  He tries to explain to her that Damon MUST have known that Jeremy was wearing the Ring, or else he couldn’t possibly have done that.  “He didn’t see the ring,” Elena argues tearfully, perfectly illuminating how, in the course of a single episode, these two have completely swapped positions, with respect to Damon’s humanity.  “He doesn’t want to feel anymore.  He wants to be hated.  Well, he got his wish.  I hate him, Stefan.”

Then, suddenly, Jeremy, gasps awake, just as he did early in the episode.  “Damon killed me,” he remarks dumbfoundedly. 

Well . . . technically .  . . yes.  But did he, REALLY?

“Game ON!”

Back at the hospital, Caroline is busy sleeping off a Jersey Shore-induced hangover, when Katherine enters her room.  “Elena?  What are you doing here?”  She asks groggily, seeming more than a bit annoyed at her “friend’s” unwelcome intrustion.

“My name is Katherine.  And I have a message for the Salvatore Brothers . . . GAME ON,”  She says evilly, as she smothers Caroline with her pillow.

There is a brief struggle, and then Caroline falls silent, her head lolling lifelessly onto her shoulder, her face pale and DEAD . . . or VAMPIRIC?  Remember the RULES, boys and girls.  Has it been 24-hours since Damon healed Caroline?  We already know that Bonnie TOLD Katherine about the healing . . .  so the knowledge is definitely there.

  Sure, a dead body belonging to the friend of the woman they both loved would send a message to Stefan and Damon.  But you know what would send a BIGGER message?  Having to BABYSIT a brand new vampire for ALL ETERNITY!  We all remember how much trouble Vicki was .  . . don’t we?

Sweet dreams, fellow Fangbangers! 😉

[www.juliekushner.com]

 

 

 

The Vampire Diaries Season 2 Premiere – We are Live Blogging it! (Or, at least, attempting to . . .)

Elena is not too keen on the idea of live-blogging.  Too much risk.  With a vampire as a boyfriend, a witch as a best friend, and . . . DAMON . . . she feels she has all the risk she needs in her life, right now.  But Vampire Katherine?  She says, “GAME ON, B&TCHES!”

Last year, in honor of the Finale of Season 1 of The Vampire Diaries . . .

. . . the amazing, brilliantly talented, and insanely hilarious, Amy (author of the AWESOME blog, Imaginary Men) and I, attempted to live blog the bloody festivities in all their so-beautiful-it-physically-hurts-to-look-at-them glory.

And . . .  yeah . . . it didn’t work out so well . . .

But we still had a great time doing it . . .

And .  . . maybe it’s just because we are gluttons for punishment . . . but we’ve decided to try the whole “live blogging” thing again, for the upcoming Season Premiere.

So, if ogling / completely objectifying hot boys, snarkiness, and OBSESSIVE (slightly nerdy) fangirling are YOUR thing, feel free to click the link below (on Thursday, September 9th at 8 p.m., EST) and watch The Vampire Diaries’ Season Premiere episode, “The Return,” with us.  We can’t promise you it will all work out . . . but we CAN bribe you with sexy pictures of the show’s stars . . .

Have I convinced you?  If so . . .

Click here to participate in the live blog 

 Because we have nothing to lose . . . except our dignity. . .

The Vampire Diaries’ Drinking Game

Ahhhh drinking . . .

It can make you do STRANGE things.  Like dance . . .

 . . . or pass out WAY TOO EARLY . . .

. . . or .  . . well .  . . YOU KNOW 😉 . . .

And SOMETIMES . . . things can get REALLY crazy .  . .

Here at TV Recappers Anonymous, we CERTAINLY are not ones to promote excessive drinking . . .

. . . particularly to those of you who are not yet of legal drinking age . . .

However, if any of you were to . . . hypothetically . . . play a drinking game that was somehow related to The Vampire Diaries (say while watching the September 9th Season Premiere), here are some things you MIGHT consider doing . . .

You MIGHT want to invest in some “good” red wine . . .

 . . . because bags of blood are hard to come by, these days . . .

. . . and violence NEVER pays (Plus, it’s very messy.) . . .

Once you’ve got your wine in hand, here are some situations that MIGHT occur during the Season Premiere, to which you MIGHT want to drink in celebration:

1) If Elena and Katherine appear in the same scene, say, “Let the doppelganger hijinks ensue!” and take a drink.

2) If Stefan and Damon appear in the same scene, pretend to faint from the hotness overload . . . then, take a drink.

3) If two characters kiss, makeout with your pillow (or the person next to you, depending on who that is), then . . . you guessed it . . . take a drink.

4) If two people “do it,” sing “Bow Chicka Wowwow,” while thrusting your pelvis rhythmically, and take a drink.

5) If Damon compels someone, hold your arms out in front of you like a zombie, say, “Whatever you wish, Master,” then, take a drink.

6) If Tyler turns into a werewolf, howl like one, and eat a steak.   Just kidding . . . take a drink.

7) If Damon does the eye thing, attempt to do it too, then drink.

8 ) If someone dies on the show, play dead for a few seconds, then drink.

9) If someone you THINK is dead, ultimately miraculously comes back to life, say, “IT’S ALIVE!” and drink.

10) And, finally, if something TOTALLY INSANE happens during the episode, that you weren’t at all expecting say, “Holy Crap!” – then drink.  (This will probably happen, without your consciously thinking about it, anyway.)

So, there you have it — a drinking game specially designed for the Season Premiere of The Vampire Diaries.  Just remember, moderation is key.  And please . . . don’t drink and drive. 😉

He’ll be watching YOU!

[www.juliekushner.com]