Ahhh, Peter Pan. You remember him from your childhood, right? He’s the perpetual man child known for sneaking into your bedroom window in the middle of the night, making you snort something called “fairy dust” that he insists will make you “fly,” and then whisking you away to a far off land where your parents will NEVER EVER FIND YOU!
Fast forward to the present day. You’re all grown up. You’ve blocked out of your memory that brief period of time when you were part of the child slave trade. Everything is OK, or so you think. Then you turn on your television, and who do you see but that charming sociopath Peter Pan himself, re-imagined as the Pretty Uptight One from Girls . . .
. . . and Captain Hook as . . . THIS GUY?
It’s like something out of your wildest fever dream or most cringe-inducing nightmare. You want to look away, but you can’t . . . FOR THREE WHOLE HOURS . . .
To effectuate my plan, I have invited Marnie from Girls over to my house to look over my shoulder as I type and personally insult me every time I make a comment about the show that appears to be even vaguely hate-watchy . . .
See? That was for the beginning of this article, where I not so subtly referred to a beloved children’s character as a kidnapper and possible child slave trader. As you can see, Marnie pulls no punches . . .
I think this is going to work out just fine.
Let’s get this Neverland party started, shall we?
You can check out the rest of this snarktastic recap here.
Are your tummies growling, Fangbangers? There was a whole lot of “messy eating” going on this week, on The Vampire Diaries. Vampires ate college coeds . . . vampire hunters ate hybrids” ears . . . The Original Family ate . . . chicken and vegetables?
I don’t know about you. But I’ve personally been starving for some serious fang action, all week!
So, tie on a nice big bib, and polish that silverware, because it’s time to share a hearty meal with your favorite vampires in Mystic Falls . . .
Today’s Episode is brought to you by the letter “H” (for Hot Sweaty Shirtless Men) and, of course, the number “five”
I’m willing to bet that a lot more moms would watch Sesame Street with their kids, if the show taught tots how to count, this way. Kudos, Julie Plec and Co. This scene is Male Objectification in its purest form. And it is, in a word, AWESOME!
The episode begins, way back in 1110 A.D. Some old witchy lady with Crazy Witchy Lady Hair is hanging out in the BadThingsAlwaysHappenHere! Forest with what appear to be five strippers from some Game of Thrones-themed Male Review.
Is that a Storm of Swords in your pocket, or are you just happy to be on TVD?
The half naked men form a circle around her, and stare blankly into space, while she holds a fiery cauldron triumphantly above her head, like it’s Baby Simba at the beginning of the Lion King. She’s even chanting gibberish, like they do at the beginning of that movie!
Then, Witchy Lady lowers the cauldron and the fire branches out to the five men, who, from VERY far away (1) look like they are EXTREMELY hung; and (2) appear to be pissing out flames. I bet they can’t do that on Game of Thrones!
This gives a whole new meaning to the term “fire crotch.”
But the fun is far from over! Next up, everyone gets their Magical Tattoos!
“Duuuuude! That hurt even less than that time on my 18th birthday, when I drank an entire bottle of tequila, and woke up with my ex-girlfriend’s name tattooed on my Fire Crotch!”
Meanwhile, back in the present day . . .
Deny, Deny, Deny . . .
De-Nile may very well be a river in Egypt, but it’s also got a pretty steady current running through Mystic Falls. We see plenty of denial going on around town, during the first few minutes of the episode. Damon still actually thinks Connor is dead . . .
This is despite the reality of Damon never actually having seen the vampire hunter’s corpse. Not to mention the well-known fact that the gods of Mystic Falls would never, EVER, allow a hot male villain, like Connor, to croak, without getting him to take his shirt off at least once.
Also in denial? Stefan. He thinks he’s “totally over” Damon’s and Elena’s little hand-suck blood exchange, a couple weeks back.
Yeah, this guy? He’s not jealous of his brother at all! No sir! Not a bit!
Speaking of denial . . . sure Elena, Stefan has nothing to worry about. Just because you are going to an all-night frat party with Damon, doesn’t mean that you are going to spend the entire night dry humping him on the dance floor, and/or sucking on his fingers. You’re DEFINITELY going to be 100% faithful to Stefan . . . He’s your “boo,” after all, isn’t he?
Oh, and might I add, that “convenient” explanation as to why Elena could ONLY learn how to feed from that sexy studmuffin / awesome kisser Damon, and not from Caroline, because she’s “too good” at controlling her vampire urges?
That’s a TOTAL crock of dog poo! Need we all be reminded of an incident, back in Season 2, that I like to lovingly refer to as “Carter-gate?”
So much self control! She even managed to brush her hair out of her eyes, before snapping his neck with her teeth. Honestly, I don’t know how she does it!
Still more stops on the Denial Train. Next we have Beks, who is stalking Matt Donovan at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls. She mistakenly believes she can still get into his pants, despite the whole, “sending his car over the Wickory Bridge” thing.
I think it drowned, Matt . . . along with your dignity.
Desperate for redemption (and nookie), Rebekah even goes so far as to buy Matt . . . wait for it . . . A BRAND NEW CAR!
OMG! Rebekah Michaelson is like Richard Gere, and Matt Donovan is her Pretty Woman . . . Except, money can’t buy Matt’s love! He’s keeping the car, but he still won’t kiss Rebekah on the mouth . . . too personal.
Heck, I’d kiss Rebekah on the mouth for a new car. And I don’t even roll that way. Go figure . . .
Don’t you just hate it when your family members are around to see you strike out with the opposite sex? Poor Rebekah! Klaus is sitting at the bar, ready and waiting with a “He’s just not that into you,” speech.
“You had to start with a car? You couldn’t have gone with something less expensive? Like a lottery ticket? Or a lollipop?“
Klaus knows that Rebekah is still pissed at him for, you know, not appreciating her, and stuff. But he still has information for her about “The Five.” Rebekah pretends she doesn’t care. But we all know she TOTALLY does . . .
“What can I say? I wear my heart on my sleeve . . . no, I mean literally on my sleeve, like a big fat bloody cufflink.
Did you know that, before she was “That Old Lady Who Died Twice on The Vampire Diaries,” Bonnie’s grams was a college professor, who specialized in the occult?
Well, now you do!
What a convenient way to get Bonnie, Elena and Damon to road trip to “college,” while, at the same time, introducing a new fairly attractive, Alaric Saltzman 2.0 type, who may or may not end up being a villain and/or a witchy new love interest for Bonnie . . . Anywhoo, he lectures about witches, and blah, blah, blah . . .
Meanwhile Damon instructs Elena on the best, and worst types of people to feed off of . . .
I assumed Damon would advocate eating fat people (MORE MEATY!). But, instead, he instructed Elena to suck on airheads and the self-absorbed. (LESS CALORIES?)
(Fun Fact: Nerdy girls are bad meals, because, apparently, they are instinctively mistrustful of people who are nice to them. So, at this point, I’d like to say, to all my fellow nerd girls out there, HOLLA!)
While Bonnie wanders off to have some more boring conversation with Professor Boo Radley, or whatever, Damon coaches Elena through her first feed.
Things start off well enough. But then Self-Absorbed!Girl inadvertently shows Elena a picture of her baby sister, and Elena FREAKS OUT! (Honestly, I think the emotional impact of the failed “tasting,” would have been more effective, if the little girl was Miss Would-Be Blood Bag’s daughter. Now, that would have been poignant. But baby sister? Meh!)
No worries! Damon’s got a better idea! He decides to take Elena to a frat party. You know, because everyone who goes to frat parties MUST, by definition, be a terrible person, worthy of bloody neck hickies. Also, no one who goes to frat parties has a baby sister . . .
Once again, out of convenience, the frat party in question, has a death theme. (You’ll learn why that’s convenient in a bit.) Also, out of convenience, Hot Professor Boo Radley just so happens to be attending the party. Because, lord knows, underage kids throwing kegger parties just LOOOVE to invite late 30-something looking teacher types to witness their debauchery and misdemeanors . . .
“I thought she was 18 . . . I mean . . . I thought she was 21 . . . I mean . . . Someone put something in my drink?”
In what I can only assume was an “inside joke,” Damon arrives at the party dressed as Jack the Ripper, with Elena and Bonnie traveling in tow, as his “victims.” (Take THAT, Ripper Stefan!)
Elena finds a frat boy, who, by roofie-ing a girl’s drink in plain view, renders himself just douchebaggy enough that Elena can feed off of him, without offending her “personal moral code.” (Also, we can all assume he’s an only child. Or, if not, an only child, at least doesn’t carry around a cute picture of his sibling on his cell phone.)
Elena munches heartily, and immediately becomes swept up in the euphoria of Vampire’s First Feeding Frenzy. “I want more,” she whispers seductively in Damon’s ear . . .
So, does he, Elena . . . So does he . . .
Eventually, Elena’s whole Dexter the Vampire rationale of “I only eat BAAADDDD PEOPLE,” goes right out the window. We see her later chomping on an innocent looking chica, who most definitely had an iPhone filled with adorable siblings. No matter! Elena was having much to much fun, to concern herself with petty details like morality.
And we all know what Elena does, whenever she’s having fun, right? You guessed it! It’s DelenaDANCESEX time!
I know a lot of people had mixed opinions about this scene. But I, for one, absolutely adored it. I loved how messy it was . . . how Damon and Elena were more drunkenly swaying than actually dancing. I loved how sweaty they were, how mussed both of their hair was, how their eyes looked bleary, glassy, and heavy lidded.
I even loved the ridiculousness of the fact that neither of them thought to wipe off the nasty-ass blood dripping from their mouths onto their shirts, despite the fact that, no matter how drunk people were at this party, surely SOMEONE would have noticed that.
Believe it or not, I think the sloppiness of the scene gave it an added sense of realism. If submitting to blood lust is a metaphor for being really drunk, or really high on drugs like ecstasy or heroine, it makes sense that the blood lusters would look and act like inebriated people. People who were truly living in the moment . . . not thinking, just feeling, and enjoying life . . . not caring what other onlookers might think of them.
Then, of course Cock Block Extraordinaire Bonnie has to pop by, in order to give Elena THAT LOOK . . . You know the one. It’s that all-too-familiar Judgy Bonnie look . . . the one that never fails to bring Elena right back to her boring self . . . which, of course, is Bonnie’s most impressive Super Power . . . MESMERIZING DULLNESS . . .
Elena scampers off in tears. She wants to go home, dammit! Damon, understandably, is a bit “miffed” by it all . . .
Try not to take it too personally, Damon. I think Elena’s just feeling guilty about chowing down on too many douchebag blood carbs. Now, she’ll NEVER be able to fit into that Miss Mystic Falls Gown!
Back home, and hanging out on Elena’s front porch, Elena and Damon engage in another version of what is basically the exact same conversation they have with one another every few episodes. And it basically boils down to this: Damon is a BAD BOY. Elena wants to be a GOOD GIRL. She’s afraid that if she keeps hanging out with Damon, she will have wild, crazy, amazing vampire sex with him, and never ever want to stop . . . also become a BAD GIRL. So, she has to stay with Stefan, because he’s . . . you know . . . “good” and stuff at least, when he’s not murdering thousands of people across the Eastern Seaboard.
Stefan pops up on the porch, before things between Damon and Elena can get more heated (Geez, he and Bonnie make a great pair. TEAM COCKBLOCK!) Cue Elena b*tching and whining about how AWFUL it was drinking that SCARY blood from those SCARY college coeds’ necks. Oh, how she wishes she could have been home eating bunnies with Stefan . . . or knitting socks, or whatever it is “good” vampires are supposed to do on Friday nights . . .
Little does she know that Stefan has spent his day plotting and scheming with the baddest vampire around . . . his Secret Boyfriend Klaus . . .
50 Shades of Connor Jordan
My that Klaus! He really is a kinky bastard, isn’t he? I mean, I totally get why he needed to chain up the Big Bad Vampire Hunter, who is undoubtedly the key to his Next Big Plan! But putting him up against the wall, spread-eagled, half-naked, and, probably under a heat lamp (because no one sweats that much inside an air-conditioned home in the middle of Fall)? Come on, that was obviously an exhibition of Klaus’ S&M fantasies come true. (Watch out Caroline . . . and Stefan. Because you are both soooo next!
Speaking of kinky, another one of my favorite scenes this week was the one where one of Klaus’ nameless soon-to-be-dead hybrids comes to “tighten up” Connor’s S&M chains, and the vampire hunter ends up BITING OFF A RATHER LARGE CHUNK OF HIS EAR!
Seriously! I was not expecting that!
Cooler still? Connor actually had a logical reason for doing this, one that much more complex than a simple “I was hungry,” or “Hybrid ears taste like chicken.”
Nope . . . Connor bit Random Hybrid’s ear to STEAL HIS EARRING, AND USE IT TO UNLOCK HIS CHAINS! POSITIVELY GENIUS!
Smoke em if you’ve got em SUCKAS!
[Random sidenote: When I was a little kid, I used to drink a lot of Shirley Temples at parties. And if you’ve ever had a Shirley Temple, you know they come with a cherry garnish. Anyway, rumor has it that if you can tie a cherry stem into a knot with your tongue alone, that means you are a good kisser, and . . . if not . . . well . . .
Unfortunately, it’s something I’ve never been able to manage. Take from that what you will. All I can say is, given how tongue and teeth challenged I apparently am, I can 100% appreciate Connor Jordan’s ORAL PROWESS. It also makes me really want to make out with him . . . like . . . a lot.]
“And I’m too sexy for your ear . . . too sexy for your ear, too sexy, my dear!”
We’ll get back to Connor, and his teeth, in just a moment. But for now, let’s get back to Kinky Klaus and Studly Stefan, shall we?
It’s Time for Another Round of Ye Old Important Flashbacks . . .
Ever since Stefan showed up on his doorstep, sniffing around for information about The Five, Klaus has been hitting on him, in a major way. He’s definitely putting out all the stops . . . inviting him into his home, flattering him, invading his personal space, batting his puppy dog eyes. As I’ve been genuinely missing these two’s weekly game of Hide the Salami for quite some time (Ahhh . . . memories of Early Season 3), it was nice to see it again this week.
Klaus’ rationale for hitting on Stefan (aside from the obvious, of course) is that he wants Stefan to convince Rebekah to tell them both what she knows about The Five. Through the use of flashbacks (and lots of goofy lion’s mane wigs), we learn that Rebekah used to occasionally hump one of these mystical FIVE, back in the day. And that he, may or may not, have pillow-talked all his dirty secrets to the Original Vamp.
“I’ll show you my fangs, if you show me your fire crotch.”
Stefan is initially immune to Klaus’ charms, until Klaus evokes the magical spell that never fails to make Stefan puddy in his hands. Just in case you ever happen to run into Stefan, and want him to become your sex slave, I’d be more than happy to share the words of this spell with you. Here it is: “DO IT FOR ELENA.”
Yes, once again, Klaus has made Stefan his loyal puppy dog, by evoking the Elena Clause in their Occasional F*ck Buddy Contract. Stefan pops by the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, where Rebekah apparently still hasn’t moved, since being rejected by Matt there hours ago. Maybe she’s under the “DO IT FOR ELENA” spell too . . . Stefan somehow convinces Rebekah to temporarily play nice with her brother. And eventually the three end up making plans for dinner.
(By the way, remember when Rebekah and Stefan used to be in loooooove with one another? Because, sometimes, I feel like the writers don’t remember it at all . . .)
The Scene that Will Inevitably Spawn 1,000 Jeremy/Connor Slash Fanfics
Meanwhile, back at the Hybrid House of Horrors, Klaus, remembering that a couple of weeks ago, Jeremy went from being “Elena’s Little Brother – That Kid Who Sees Dead People” to “Elena’s Little Brother – That Kid Who Sees Dead Ancient Invisible Ink Tattoos,” kidnaps invites Mini Gilbert over for an impromptu art session, whereby Jeremy will draw the tatts from Connor’s Hot Glistening Body. (Mental Note: Time to sign up for one of those art classes, where you sit for an hour each week, and draw naked people. It’s suddenly sounding like a great idea!)
“Just let your Inner Goddess fly free!”
Connor is a little pouty with Jeremy. Because he thought the two of them were TATT BROTHERS, and now, here Jeremy is “drawing for the Enemy.” To this valid accusation, Jeremy responds, more or less . . . wait for it . . . “I’M DOING IT FOR ELENA.”
“Oh, well, if you are DOING IT FOR ELENA, than I forgive you,” replies Connor. (Just kidding . . . sort of.)
Connor explains to Jeremy that his ability to see the tattoo marks him as a “potential” SUPER Vampire Hunter (which sounds very Buffy the Vampire Slayer-y to me). He also explains how his tattoos grow each time he murders another vampire. Well, that sure is cost-efficient. Tattoos can be expensive!
What we eventually learn is that, as bad ass a vampire hunter as Connor might be, he’s apparently not bad ass enough to have a complete Vampire-Killing Arm Tattoo. Klaus examines Jeremy’s drawing and finds it to be woefully incomplete . . . FOR NOW . . .
Ye Olde Flashbacks 2: Electric Boogaloo
A little while later, Klaus, Stefan and Rebekah sit down for one of their deliciously dysfunctional family dinners. I always love it when Klaus caters a meal on this show. He always puts about ten fancy courses of food on the table, and then NOBODY EVER EATS!
That’s got to really dust his doilies, don’t you think? Maybe he should start spiking the dishes with Soccer Mom blood. Then, at least, he wouldn’t have so many leftovers . . .
Fake dinner seems like a great opportunity for another flashback. And, so, we get one, in short order. Just as Klaus suspected, Rebekah’s lover, Vampire Hunter Alex was quite the Chatty Kathy during sex.
“Check it out. This sword and these tattoos together form a road map to my weiner . . . you know, just in case you can’t find it on your own.”
In a state of presumed post-coital bliss, Alex reveals, both to Rebekah, and to us, that the Five have a weapon that will surely wipe all vampires off the face of the Earth . . .A CURE TO VAMPIRISM . . .
Yeah, yeah . . . I think we all pretty much knew that was coming . . .
What does surprise me about this plot point, though, is how long this supposed vampire cure has purportedly been around. You would think, for example, that Witchy Mama Esther or even Evil Vampire Eater Mikael would have heard about it, and at least tried to find it, before resorting to attempting to murder their own children . . . Just a thought . . .
Poor Rebekah! She’s starting to rival Elijah and Alaric as Most Murdered Character on TVD! Not long after Alex spills the beans to her about the Vampire Cure, he stabs her with a white oak stake, along with the rest of her siblings. Rat BASTARD!
“Dear sister, I thought your room could use a bit of sprucing up. How do you like your new wall decor?“
Fortunately for us, Klaus is immune to White Oak Stakedom, and takes this opportunity to murder Alex and one of his FIVE-Y friends, conveniently leaving the other three alive to spawn Connor Jordan, Mini Gilbert, and whatever other sexy male guest stars TVD chooses to introduce in the near future.
Vampire Hunter Nick Miller, anyone?
But wait a minute. If Klaus already knew all this crud about The Five, why is he bothering Poor Rebekah with bad memories of yet another lover her used her and discarded her like trash?
A-ha! See, this is where things get sort of interesting. Apparently, those crazy tattoos Connor has on his body are a map to the Vampire Cure. And the key to reading that map is on the sword of each of the Original Five. Klaus (rightfully) as it turns out, assumes that Rebekah knows where that sword is. Once found, that sword, combined with Jeremy’s drawing, will enable Klaus to locate the cure, give it to Elena, and then continue to use her as a bloodbag for the creation of new hybrids.
Nifty plan, right? Except, Rebekah’s not budging with the information, no matter how many threats or insults Klaus hurls her way . . .
Hey Klaus, haven’t you ever heard the saying you catch more vampire siblings with honey? Wait . . . that’s not how it goes.
Rebekah storms off in huff, but Klaus seems unmoved. As it turns out, this was precisely his plan. You see, Klaus wanted to put Rebekah in an emotional enough state to reveal the location of the secret sword to STEFAN. And why again would Stefan want to help Klaus? Repeat after me, everyone, “HE’S DOING IT FOR ELENA.”
That’s right. Because if Elena can be made human again, she can revert back to the sweet docile kittenish girl Stefan always loved, cherished and worshipped, as opposed to the naughty keg standing, motorcycle riding, doucheboy drinking, Damon sucking soon-to-be Damon screwing, pencil flinging vampire girl she has become . . .
This recap has become long enough as it is, so I’m not going to bore you with the details. Long story short, Stefan cleverly manipulates the vulnerable Rebekah’s romantic side into revealing that she buried Alex’s sword, along with his corpse, in the church where the couple was to be married . . . you know, before he stabbed her in the chest, and her brother cut out his heart . . . otherwise known as The Good Old Days.
Klaus is conveniently around to hear this information, and, for reasons I don’t quite understand, decides to stake Rebekah again, upon receiving it.
“Trust me, this hurts me way more than it is hurting you.”
“Somehow, I doubt that . . .“
Seriously, dude? AGAIN! Klaus, you have to find better ways to express your emotions than staking your siblings every time they piss you off. You’re becoming like that kid in the Twilight Zone movies, who keeps sending everyone in his family to the Evil Cornfield every time they don’t give him candy, or enforce his bedtime. It’s time to get another outlet for your anger. Might I suggest the batting cages, or S&M sessions with Connor and Jeremy . . .
Speaking of people you secretly want to have sex with, Klaus. Could you explain to me why you felt the need to keep this whole “sword / tattoo” map thing a BIG Secret between you and Stefan? Is it because you think it will make it easier to get into his pants, while you two are spending hours alone scheming with one another behind closed bedroom doors? Don’t you think Damon the Scooby Gang could you help you find it faster, than just the two of you working alone?
Just saying . . .
So many headless hybrids, so little time . . .
And so our Big Bad Sexy Shirtless Scoundrel Connor uses that trusty earring to break free from Klaus’ Den of Rough Sex, just as we knew he would. But geez, did he HAVE to decapitate ANOTHER one of Klaus’ precious hybrids. You would think these guys are human PEZ Dispensers, given how easily their heads pop off at the slightest touch . . .
Connor Jordan . . . gives good head.
Connor’s action, of course, has the added benefit of conveniently finishing off his Vampire Hunter tattoo. I wonder how many bloodsuckers he had to do in, to earn all those stripes . . . I wonder if you get more “points” for killing hybrids . . . so many questions. . . .
In the final scene, we see a pissed off Connor whining to his leader. “Why did you send me to this PLACE, where all anybody ever does is have flashbacks, and sit around and talk about how they are ‘DOING IT FOR ELENA?”
WAH, WAH, WAH . . . cry me a bloody river, Connor. But in all honesty, I’d be interested in knowing the answer to this question too. What say you, Connor’s Exalted Leader. . . Professor Boo Radley?
Greetings, Werebangers! This week’s episode of Teen Wolf was all about motive. After all, even the most self-righteous of characters can be lured to the proverbial darkside, if given a good enough reason to do so . . .
Of all the episodes of Teen Wolf that have aired so far this season, “Raving” was probably the most chock full of information. We learned a lot this week about the relationship between the kanaima, and its Master. We also got to take a closer look at the kanaima’s victims . . . what ties them together . . . and what they might have done to merit such horrible demises.
And yet, despite all that, the writers STILL somehow managed to give us a genuinely action-packed hour, complete with stellar acting, amazing character moments, and of course, a WHOLE LOTTA STILES!
Color me impressed . . .
So, slip into your party clothes, grab a handful of fairy dust, and try to avoid taking hits off the wolfsbane pipe, because it’s time for another Teen Wolf recap . . .
[As always, special thanks to Andre for all the awesomesauce screencaps you see here. Also, this week’s screencaps all come from two fabulous tumblr sites: teenwolfgifs and allteenwolf. So, feel free to show their owners some love, as well.]
In ‘Da Club
Go Wolf Twins! It’s your birthday! We’re gonna party, like it’s your birthday. We’re going to huff some wolfsbane, like it’s your birthday . . .
Go shorty, it’s your birthday! (But hopefully, not your 24th.) Apparently, there’s some Big Hip Rave in Beacon Hills. And everybody who’s ANYBODY under the age of 25 (and a few people OVER it . . . here’s looking at YOU Grandpa . . . and Creepy Pedo Chemistry Teacher) . . .
. . . is going to be there. This is true, even though admission costs a whopping 75 bucks!
Seriously? Where I come from, all the “good” raves (at least, if you’re into that sort of thing) take place in abandoned warehouses. And the only things you pay for are the glow sticks, cheesy pacifiers, and the bruises you get on your legs, while running away from the cops who just broke up the party . . .
But that’s neither here nor there. What matters here is that it’s been a while since we’ve had a Big Party that literally brings all of our main characters together in one room (remember prom?). And that makes the expectations for this party rather heightened. Did I mention that the kanaima will be in attendance to snuff out yet another unlucky victim?
“Hi! Welcome to my funeral! Admission is $75 . . .”
The victims . . . Stiles and the Sheriff finally manage to draw a few parallels between them. For example, with the exception of the Dawson’s Creek daddy, they are all the same age (24), and all attended Beacon Hills High together in 2006.
Kudos to us TW fans, who picked up on this trend a few weeks ago, back when Hot Black Argent, Sassy Mechanic, and Derek had been the only kanaima targets, aside from Isaac’s dad. (Honestly, I thought the “young married couple” looked a bit “long in the tooth” for 24. But hey . . . life in a trailer park can be tough, I guess.)
“It is was a hard knock life for us.”
Stiles had also deduced that these folks had been in Mr. Harris’ chemistry class together, which confirmed the latter as a chief suspect for Master . . . at least until that last victim bit it, who wasn’t in his class.
The Sheriff thought her death blew his theory to shreds. However, thanks to a little fancy camera work, WE know that SHE was, in fact, still part of the Class of 2006.
Of course, this begs the obvious question: which member of that Class died in 2006, and HOW?
“I got it! I know who the Kanaima’s Master is! It’s KAISER SOZE!”
We already know from the mythology that the kanaima thrives on vengeance, and will only kill killers (hence, it’s decision to delay the murder of the pregnant woman, until AFTER she gave birth). But how did all of these seemingly unrelated 24-year olds have their hand in the exact same death?
Confused yet? There’s more!
The Puppet Master
OK, I have no clue what that “Are you listening?” poster behind the guys heads has to do with vaccinations. All I know is that I really want one for my bedroom . . .
While Stiles and the Sheriff were focusing in on the kanaima’s victims, Scott, Derek, Isaac and the Vet were more interested in the kanaima himself, and why he might be afraid of water, given that Jackson is Captain of the Swim Team (Of course, he is! Jackson is “Captain of Everything”).
The Vet notes that this has to do with some “merger” of the kanaima’s personality with that of his Master. They can feel eachother’s thoughts and feelings. So, what hurts one, hurts the other. (He even shows us some gnarly bling to illustrate this premise.)
“Hey kids! Check out the earring I’m going to wear with my pirate costume, this Halloween!”
In other words, we’re talking about a two-for-one special on killing Big Bads! Talk about a bargain. (It’s a way better bargain than $75 for a rave ticket. That’s for sure!)
Speaking of the Rave to End All Raves . . .
Isaac gets a two-fist discount.
Finally, Isaac does something RIGHT in this episode of Teen Wolf. Up until now, I’ve felt like pretty much every week, the writers have spent at least some time illustrating how Isaac and Erica are “special needs” wolves. They can’t fight Scott. They can’t fight Derek. They’re outsmarted, and out-maneuvered by Allison. And they are scared sh*tless of Jackson. (Remember, one is an incident, two is a coincidence, three is a pattern. Four = these two are pathetic.)
But they are excellent at sleeping!
And yet the n’er do well Isaac does seem to possess one particular talent: picking on the weak and completely unsuspecting. When Scott and Stiles need a ticket for the “Big Rave” in order for their “Catch Jackson’s Master” plan to work out, Isaac knows exactly to get them what they need, and for a really great price too. FREE!
Two wolfy ass kickings later, Scott and Stiles have their tickets, and Isaac has a goofy grin on his face. Then again, now that you mention it, we never actually got to see Isaac kick those lacrosse players ticket-holding bums. Perhaps, he did something a bit less G-rated to get those tickets, hmm?
The World may never know . . .
In which Allison’s loyalties are divided (for real, this time) . . .
In other news, Allison’s parents might finally be winning the battle for their daughter’s soul . . .
For the longest time on this show, we’ve been told that Allison was “Torn Between Her Hunter Family and Her Wolf” lover. “Who will she choose?” The over dramatic, deep-voiced promo narrator would often ask.
Except, to be honest, most of the time, it never seemed like all that difficult of a choice for Allison.
For one thing, and I know this sounds awful, but Allison never really seemed all that jazzed about her family. I mean, we all know Stiles loves his dad . . .
And Scott loves his mom . . .
But Allison? With the exception of “cool” (Read “CRAZY”) Aunt Kate, the littlest Argent seemed, at best, to tolerate her wacky “fam,” and, at worst, to be just as frightened of them, as the rest of the fandom seems to be. (Though, I have to say, her dad is actually pretty hot!) I never really bought Allison as being particularly “torn” between two loves. It was all Scott, Scott, and . . . wait for it . . . more Scott.
However, that all changed this week. It started when Papa Argent used a little coroner’s office “bonding session” . . .
“Hey Allison! You used to like playing with Barbie’s right? Well, these are life size! I’ll be the wife, you be the husband!”
. . . to coerce Little Argent into (1) fingering Jackson as the Kanaima; and (2) revealing his upcoming attendance at the “Big Rave,” despite the fact that Scott and his new wolf pack had already made their own plans to intercept Jackson there.
“I think I liked Daddy / Daughter bonding time better, when you just tied me to chairs, and threatened my life . . .”
And then came the whole “let’s see other people” talk Allison had with Scott a bit later in the episode . . .
“It’s not you. It’s me. It’s just that I know you’re Team Edward in Twilight. And I really can’t date anyone who isn’t Team Jacob.”
Now, in Scott’s defense, he and Allison had been so sloppy about their “secret relationship” that even a deaf, dumb, and blind guy could probably figure out that they were dating.
And to prove it, Scott had been beaten up by pretty much every single member of the Argent family, ever since his and Allison’s “breakup.”
That said, in terms of Allison’s state of mind, Scott probably picked the absolute WORST time in the world to tell her that he’d be “totally cool” with her “dating” and “making out” with Matt the Creepy Camera Guy. For one thing, it probably made her feel like she was a prostitute and he was her wolfy pimp. For another, Scott’s sudden seeming indifference to Allison’s feelings, had to make her wonder whether her consistent betrayal of her family values for his sake was worth it.
“Silly Scott! And you’re supposed to be the smart one. Oh wait, no your not. Nevermind then.”
Now, if Mama Argent new that THIS was the conversation her daughter was having with a sworn enemy, she probably would have been doing this . . .
Unfortunately, Mama Argent couldn’t HEAR what these two crazy kids were saying to one another, when she spied them talking heatedly in an empty classroom. All she was . . . well . . “the heat.” And so, instead, she looked like this . . .
That’s right, werebangers, Mama Argent is one Scary B*tch! And boy did she prove it, in this week’s episode!
In much kinder and gentler news . . .
Stiles gets a tearjerker and a Dead(?) Tinkerbell moment in the same episode . . .
Good ole, Stiles. Not only is he a fan favorite, because of his tendency to bring the comedy, and awesome one-liners to the series . . . .
. . . he’s also the heart of this whole damn show!
And boy did he show that this week, when the poor guy learned that his father had lost his job as Sheriff, as a result of Stiles’ “bad behavior,” i.e. the “kidnapping of Jackson.”
If only Sheriff Stilinski knew about the whole “lizard thing,” maybe he wouldn’t have to feel so sad . . .
Then again, he’d still probably be out of a job so . . .
But as guilty as Stiles obvious feels about his father’s job loss, he also knows that he has to keep all this supernatural craziness, a secret from his father, in order to protect him . . . or, at least, keep him from looking like a total wackjob in front of his cop buddies . . .
Lest you think that Stiles’ story in “Raving” was all angst and puppy dog tears, he also got to experience some serious Dead Tinkerbell Triumph.
You have no idea what I’m talking about, right?
Allow me to explain . . .
Remember that part in Peter Pan, where everyone thinks Tinkerbell is dead . . . so Peter Pan turns to everyone in the audience as says that “if you clap your hands, and believe in fairies, you can save her.” So, a couple of idiots actually clap (the rest of the audience just stares at the screen, dumbfounded), and, SURPRISE, Tinkerbell is alive again!
Well, that’s kind of what happened to Stiles, this week . . .
You see, thanks to our good friend The Vet, our wolf pack had a seemingly foolproof plan to trap Jackson / the kanaima / and his Mystery master all in the same confined space, using a bit of intravenous drugs, and some Magic Fairy Dust . . . I’m sorry . . . I meant “mountain ash.”
“Oh this? This is just body glitter . . . for the rave!”
However, in order for the plan to work, Jackson needed to be trapped inside the Rave. And, in order for Jackson to be trapped in the Rave, someone HUMAN had to lay out the Magic Fairy Du mountain ash barrier that would keep him there.
And we all know who our resident Team Human member is, right?
So, while all his buddies, get to go inside the Super Cool Rave, dance, stab lizards with drugs, and kick some Argent ass, poor Stiles is stuck outside sprinkling dirt around the parking lot. Real nice!
“Hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s off to trap Douchey Jackson, I go . . .”
Given that, you can imagine how frustrated Stiles is, when he finds himself ridiculously low on Kanaima Keep Away Dust, way before he’s completed his Magic Circle. But does Stiles get discouraged. Heck no! Instead, he takes the Vet’s advice, and BELIEVES he has enough fairy dust to finish the circle. And, just like that, HE DOES! It’s magical . . .
. . . which, is why I’ve decided to BELIEVE that my laptop will turn into a million dollars, immediately upon my completing this recap.
I’ll let you know how that goes . . .
In which Derek, Boyd, and the Argents reenact a Jets/ Sharks scene from West Side Story . . .
Despite Papa Argent assuring Allison that his family’s plan to catch the Kanaima will have “no collateral damage” Grandpa Bad Ass tells his men, in no uncertain terms that this is a Seek and Destroy Mission. “Something wicked this way comes,” Gerard says.
You know, because he’s old . . . so, of course, he’s going to quote Shakespeare prior to heading out on a murder mission! (Speaking of Old Grandpa Argent, any guesses as to what those pills are, that he always seems to be popping like candy? Because something tells me they aren’t your typical “old guy” pills, i.e. heart and cholesterol medication, and/or stuff for his arthritis . . .)
But if the Argents want inside the party, they are going to have to get past the wolves first. Derek and Boyd are ready and waiting for them. It’s time to do battle!
At this point, I’d like to mention how happy I am that Boyd is back. You know, last week I bitched that Boyd might be the “forgotten werewolf.” Now, I know the truth. Boyd isn’t the “redheaded step child” of his wolfpack. On the contrary, he’s Alpha’s Pet! This is why he’s not sent off each week into the land of Failure and Humiliation like Derek and Erica are. Instead, he gets to be on the front lines with the Pack Master . . . getting sh*t done!
Except this time, when the Argents kinda kicked Derek’s and Boyd’s asses, using their . . . weapons and stuff.
“Don’t brink claws to a gunfight.” Consider that a lesson learned. Hey, you can’t win em all!
Speaking of Failure and Humiliation . . .
It’s Bump and Grind Time!
It’s the scene you’ve all been waiting for, folks. Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumb Boobs have a mission, should they choose to accept it. That mission is to stab Jackson with a syringe, the contents of which will, if I’m not mistaken, both temporarily stave off the kanaima transformation, and unify the Puppet and Puppet Master of this team, so that our wolf pack can theoretically control them both . . .
Easier said than done . . .
I mean sure, Isaac and Erica are ACES when it comes to entrapping Un-Lizard Zombie Jackson into a Wolf-Kanaima sandwich.
And I’ll be damned if the possessed kanaima doesn’t look more than a bit hot and bothered by the notion of slapping his salami against the blonde bombshell, and the curly-hair with the pretty eyes. Though, it’s kind of a toss-up as to who turns the lizard on more, thus calling into question the sexuality of both Jackson (which has long been a subject of debate), and the person controlling him . . .
Things get a bit more dicey when it comes to syringing the beast. It turns out, for all his wolfy moxie, Isaac just can’t seem to get his stick in Jackson. (Don’t you just hate it when that happens?)
It takes a few tries, and a bit of a struggle. But eventually, the Leather Twins are able to drag a napping Jackson into an abandoned room. But Poor Pathetic Isaac. Here we have a SLEEPING Jackson, and the werewolf STILL can’t successfully slap him around.
“Don’t you dare interrupt my Evil Naptime!
In fact, I’m starting to think that Isaac’s getting his arm broken in every episode is going to start to become a running joke of the show, much like Stiles’ seeming inability to ever be seen on camera without his shirt on . . .
But hey, the plan isn’t a total bust! The Leather Twins (with Stiles’ help) eventually get the Kanaima to SPEAK through Jackson. As it turns out, the wolf pack might not just be dealing with a Jackson Jekyll and Hyde, and a HUMAN master, there also might very well be a spirit involved.
In a weird disembodied voice that kind of sort of sounds like the Possessed Person in Every Horror Movie Ever, “Jackson” tells the Scooby Gang that he’s not really here to kill them (Could have fooled us!), because he’s got bigger fish to fry, namely, the people that killed HIM.
“Jackson’s” words seem to confirm the theory that the spirit that embodies Jackson, when he’s the kanaima, is some high school student, who died in 2006, at some school event. Furthermore, quite a few other students seem to have witnessed the event in question, and either, did nothing to stop it, or helped it to happen.
This, of course, begs the question, how did “the kanaima” die. My theory? Drowning!
It would explain why Jackson was seen coming out of the water shortly after he was bitten by Derek, as well as the kanaima’s seeming fear of water . . .
Unfortunately, we don’t get much time to ponder this theory, because, in a flash the “medicine” wears off, and, just like that, Jackson is Lizard Man again (well, more like half and half), and he is on the loose . . .
It’s like one of those moisturizer commercials, where the model only puts the cream on half his face to show you how great the stuff works . . .
Stiles rushes out to tell his boyfriend, Derek, the news.
Isaac and Erica would probably like to rush out too, but . . . you know . . . fairy dust . . .
Meanwhile, the kanaima has found it’s next victim. Nice knowing ya, Ticket Taker at a Rave Chick . . .
“Go, BYE BYE!”
Hey, look on the bright side. Now, you will never have to worry about suffering from one of those pesky quarter-life crises!
How Mama Argent destroyed Scott’s chances of ever becoming a pothead . . . (And, boy, did she pay for that!)
Meanwhile, Scott’s a bit less than pleased with not-girlfriend Allison, because her Stupid Family is interfering with the Wolf Pack’s fun-filled game of “Catch the Kanaima.” This makes Allison sad, which nimrod Creepy Camera Guy Matt takes as a sign that, “Gee! Now, seems like a totally great time to stick my tongue down her throat.”
Real smooth, Matty-poo!
Scott rushes outside for some “air” only to be hit by Mama Argent’s car . . . “He came out of nowhere! It was just an accident.”
WRONG! As it turns out, this is all part of Mama Argent’s master plan to kidnap her daughter’s “ex” boyfriend, and asphyxiate him with a wolfsbane bong / vaporizer, of sorts (thus confirming my suspicions that Mama and Papa Argent were both TOTAL potheads, back in the day . . .) And it seems like this EEEVVVIIILLL plan just might work too, until Scott gives out a howl to his new pack mate, Derek, who rushes to his dawg’s rescue (after Stiles’ sweeps up the fairy dust, of course, so he can pass).
What happens next is a little shocking . . .
I mean, sure, we all figured that Scott was going to get out of this alive. What we didn’t plan on was Derek giving a big ole’ F-U to the Argent’s and their so-called “Code of Honor,” by giving Mama Argent the bite, thereby prospectively turning her into the thing she hates more than anything in this world . . .
In the final scene of the episode, we see Mama Argent rushing to Papa Argent’s arms, bloody and tainted, as Papa Argent looks on in dismay, undoubtedly wondering if it might be time for a little mercy killing. Are any of you fellow werebangers nerdy enough to have supernatural pacts with your friends. I am! All my best friends know that I’d be totally cool with becoming a vampire, or a werewolf (provided I’m financially stable enough to afford regular waxing treatments . . hairiness . . .ick), but if I ever become a zombie, they are totally within their rights to chop my head off.
Somehow, I suspect that the Argent’s have a similar pact at the ready, should any of them become werewolves. Papa Argent hinted as much in his “lesson” to Allison early on in the season. “One bite can change everything.”
This, of course, begs the question, how will Allison respond to the idea that her boyfriend’s pack mate effectively signed her own mother’s death warrant. I’m thinking the answer is going to be “not particularly well,” no matter how creepy and unloveable Mama Argent might be . . .
In other news, while The Vet is once again saving the life of a wolfsbane poisoned Scott . . .
“Why do all you werewolves always seem to end up on your backs?”
. . . that sucks-at-Latin guidance counselor randomly appears to make eerie comments to him about how “these kids don’t know about all the bad crap that’s going to happen to them really, really soon.” But what’s she doing in there in the middle of the night, anyway. Is she a relative? Does she know more about the kanaima than she’s letting on? Is she . . . TWENTY-FOUR YEARS OLD?
Unfortunately, I guess we’ll just have to wait until next week to find out the answer to these questions. Until next time, Werebangers!
If you’ve read this blog before, you probably know that I have an almost unhealthy obsession withThe CW’s The Vampire Diaries. And that obsession leads me to dedicate an awful lot of computer space to analyzing the richly complex, and ever evolving, characters on that show.
“Good lord! That’s a lot of Shirtless Damon pictures!”
For the most part, I’d like to think that I have a pretty good handle on most of the main characters of the show, in terms of their various motivations, fears, and insecurities . . . what makes them tick . . . and what turns them on . . .
This turns ME on . . .
So does this . . .
However, there is one character that has always been a bit of an enigma to me. Vampire Katherine Pearce, a.k.a. Katerina Petrova, a.k.a the Petrova Doppelganger #2, a.k.a. The Kat, a.k.a “You’re not Elena,” is a walking contradiction, in skinny jeans and stiletto heels . . .
. . . desires constant companionship, yet trusts no one . . .
. . . seems vulnerable, but is remarkably strong . . .
. . . comes off as vapid and shallow, but is actually incredibly logical and intelligent . . .
. . . is willing to help Elena defeat her enemies, but also might want her dead . . .
. . . claims to adore both Salvatore Brothers, yet takes great pleasure in causing them pain.
For these reasons (and because my friends, Serendipity, natalie robertson, and Brittany-Marie suggested it), I have decided to dedicate this post to Vampire Katherine, in hopes of coming a bit closer to understanding this enigmatic character. What follows are my Top Ten Favorite Vampire Katherine Moments from the first two Seasons of The Vampire Diairies. After sharing each scene with you, I will take a few moments to tell you why that particular scene made the list, and analyze what I THINK that scene says about Katherine, as a character. Sound good?
I love you too, Katherine. Now, let’s get started . . .
(By the way, regarding the videos, though I have provided links to all of them for you to enjoy, unfortunately, the CW won’t let me directly embed them in this post. Those BASTARDS! But if you want to watch them, all you have to do, is double click on the internal link that comes up in the center of the YouTube screen, after you press “Play.” Now, that’s not so bad, is it?)
10. Katherine (posing as Elena) tosses Stefan in the bushes.
KATHERINE: (to Damon, on the phone) “You’ve got some serious explaining to do to the [Anti-Vampire] Council about John being not-so-dead.”
KATHERINE: “Where the hell is she [Elena]?”
KATHERINE: “Sorry Stef, but I can’t have you following me.”
Why it Made the List:
OK. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love my Steffy. But as a staunch Delena fan, I would be lying if I said I didn’t get a teensy thrill watching “Elena” call Damon on the phone, and then proceed to toss Stefan in the bushes.
By now, we’ve experienced a few moments in this series, in which Katherine has come face-to-face with her doppelganger, while attempting to impersonate her. However, the jarring effect it has on me, whenever I see it on screen, still hasn’t worn off.
This scene showcases Katherine at her naughtiest. In under 2 minutes, we see her successfully: knock out Elena and possibly steal her clothing (though from the looks of it, Katherine is already wearing a purple dress, by the time she arrives), impersonate Elena with both brothers (though with Damon, only by phone), stab Stefan with vervain, toss him the bushes, and drive off in his car, all without messing up her hair or makeup! Now, that’s impressive!
Though, admittedly, not quite as impressive, as pulling out two hearts at once . . . ELIJAH!
What it says about Katherine:
At first glance, you might thing this scene actually says very little about Katherine, apart from the fact that she can, pretty much, NEVER EVER be trusted. I mean, one minute she’s telling the Salvatore Brother’s she’s on their team, the next she’s vervaining them, and throwing them in bushes . . .
She is also “Elena” for much of the scene. And yet, I was able to mine quite a bit from this short fun scene. First, it shows us a very nice contrast between Elena and Katherine. Here is Elena speaking eloquently and humbly on her deceased mother’s behalf at a charity auction, and here is Katherine wreaking havoc on the lives of many, and enjoying it.
Katherine’s competitive Mean Girl spirit comes out to play full force, when she gleefully, faux politely, comments on Elena’s outfit, before strangling her, and ripping it off. (We’ll see Katherine’s “fashion sense” come into play in another scene I have posted for you, further up on the list.)
Something tells me if Vampire Katherine went to high school with Regina George . . . she would have eaten her.
Then we see Katherine TRYING to impersonate Elena, but she doesn’t quite pull it off. For starters, she’s wearing more eye makeup than Elena would ever wear. She’s also a little funnier and snarkier than Elena is, with her comment on the phone to Damon about John being “not-so-much” dead.
And I actually think it is THIS comment that finally gives Katherine away to Stefan. Not just because it’s funny (though that would have clued ME in).
Don’t worry, Elena. I’m sure Damon will teach you how to make jokes, one day . . . among other things. 😉
But because that’s just NOT the way Elena thinks. Elena would see a man fall down the steps (even a man she’s sort of / kind of hates like Uncle Father / John), and wonder if he’s in pain, or needs to be taken to a hospital, or something. It doesn’t matter that she KNOWS he wears Ring of Immortality. This would still be her first instinct, as a caring human being. She WOULDN’T be thinking about what impact it would have on the Anti-Vampire Council, when they see him miraculously come back to life.
“Dammit! I should have known better!”
We also see a glimpse, even amidst all her scheming, of Katherine’s genuine affection for Stefan. One could argue her “apology” to Stefan was just more faux polite meanness on Katherine’s part. But I actually saw some regret there, as she drove away in her car. After all, this WASN’T her plan, it was Isabel’s (who, under compulsion, ended up screwing her over in a BIG way, by turning her over to Klaus).
“You made me THROW HIM IN A BUSH! You are seriously messing with my game, b*tch!”
And had it been her plan, she might have done things a bit differently. Plus, she called Stefan, “Stef,” which is seriously adorable . . .
9. Katherine bites (and compels) Stefan, for the first time.
Episode: “Lost Girls” – 1.06
ELENA: “So, he [Damon] stole her from you, not the other way around?”
STEFAN: “Turns out, she wasn’t ours to steal.”
In flashback . . .
STEFAN: “I will love you forever.”
KATHERINE: “Forever is a very long time, you know.”
STEFAN: “Not long enough.”
And the next day . . .
STEFAN: “Your face . . . it was like a demon.”
KATHERINE: “But you’re not afraid.”
STEFAN: “Get away from me.”
KATHERINE: “It doesn’t change the way you feel about me. You will not tell anyone. We will go on exactly as we have.”
STEFAN: (under compulsion) “Yes, we will go on.”
KATHERINE: “You have no idea of the future I have planned for us Stefan . . . you, me, and Damon. No rules.”
Why it Made the List:
Even though Katherine and Elena are played by the same actress, Katherine’s sexual chemistry with Stefan REALLY IS much hotter different than his chemistry with Elena. This was a gorgeous sex scene, straight out of a Harlequin Romance Novel!
And yet, as gorgeous, and perfect as it was, there was something raw, and animalstic about Stefan’s and Katherine’s obvious need for one another, that was incredibly erotic.
I also liked how they didn’t romanticize Baby’s First Vampire Neck Bite. As sensual as the sex scene that proceeded it was, Katherine’s vamping out, and chomping down on Stefan’s neck, was horrifying, and extremely UGLY.
Plus, you know me. I love a good compulsion scene. And this one was as good as they come!
What it says about Katherine:
Before I discuss what these scene says about Katherine, please allow me to take a moment to tell you what it says about Stefan. He’s a BIG FAT LIAR!
It’s pretty obvious from this scene that we just witnessed the FIRST time that Katherine bit / compelled Stefan. And he told her he loved her BEFORE all that happened, not after. Plus, if you listen to the words of Katherine’s compulsion, she DID NOT, I repeat, DID NOT, tell Stefan he was in love with her, but rather that her being a vampire wouldn’t change the way he already felt about her.
“I’m really sorry I told you that your face looked like a demon, earlier. Please don’t let that prevent you from continuing to have sex with me.”
We can contrast this to Damon’s compulsion of Andie the following season, in which he DID explicitly compel Andie to fall in love with him. Not that he needed to do so. I mean, this IS Damon we are talking about here.
OK. Back to Katherine. Once again, I really think we are seeing the Big Bad Kat exhibit some raw and real affection for the younger Salvatore Brother here. When Stefan first tells Katherine he loves her, she looks surprised and a bit taken aback.
There’s a part of her that seems to WONDER whether Stefan would still love her, if he knew WHAT she was. But then he starts kissing her neck, and she gets so caught up in the throes of passion, that she loses all rational thought. The camera focuses on her face, so we can see that happen to her. And there’s nothing cold or calculating about it.
In fact, I THINK it’s her passion, as opposed to any rational decision on Katherine’s part, that causes her to vamp out and bite Stefan, in the first place. We’ve seen Stefan react similiarly the first time things got hot and heavy between him and Elena.
And when the morning comes, Katherine DOESN’T compel Stefan right away, though she could. She wants to assess his true feelings for her, first. Her line, “But you’re not afraid,” is clearly NOT one of compulsion, since Stefan is obviously still VERY MUCH afraid of her, after she says it.
And it’s not until she KNOWS for sure, that Stefan WON’T be able to love her as she is naturally, that she compels away his fear. This is also the moment she chooses to reveal her threesome fantasy to him.
Sure, it’s selfish and a bit misguided for Katherine to believe that she could have two brothers in love with her for all eternity, and NOT have them hate one another because of it. It’s also an oddly childish way for a 500-year old to think. All feelings of love and passion aside, at her core, Katherine is a spoiled brat. And she will probably always be one . . .
8. Katherine dances seductively with Stefan / murders Slutty Girl #1 at the Masquerade Ball.
Episode: “Masquerade” – 2.07
KATHERINE: “Dance with me.”
KATHERINE: “Fine, than tell me who I should kill. Him? Mmm. She looks delicious.”
KATHERINE: (about Jenna) “Lucky girl . . . clumsy . . . how does one, stab one’s self?”
KATHERINE: (after being told Stefan won’t give her the moonstone) “I’ve got a better plan. How about you fetch it, and I will try not to kill anyone in the meantime.”
KATHERINE: “I love your necklace. Oh, it’s twisted . . . here. (breaks Amy’s spinal cord) Paralyzed from the waist down . . . and dead. The moonstone, Stefan. Tick, tock.”
Why it Made the List:
Remember when I told you, we’d get to see Katherine have a second Mean Girls moment in this post. Well, here it is! Poor Amy Slutty Girl #1. She never did get the knot out of that necklace of hers . . .
And we thought Katherine was bad news, when she was just tossing people into bushes, controlling their minds, and eating their necks. Killing random extras in front of hundreds of party guests, just reaches a whole new level of mean! What was great about this scene was how TOTALLY unexpected it was.
Here I was enjoying the witty mean-spirited banter and sexy dancing of Stefan and Katherine, when, BAM, someone gets their spinal cord ripped out. I literally gasped out loud, when it happened. I also kind of found the scene funny, in a sick, twisted way. Does that make me a bad person?
What it says about Katherine:
Damon once told Katherine that he’s better than her at the enigmatic one-liners. That’s probably true. Because no one beats Damon when it comes to engimatic one-liners.
OK . . . maybe that line was more literal, than enigmatic. But you know what I mean.
But Katherine definitely gives Damon a run for his money in the “Isn’t murder hilarious?” quip department. This vampire has a comeback for everything. And, if you are speaking to her (and she hasn’t killed you yet) chances are she will lodge her zinger at you, before you’ve even formed your snarky comment. You can just imagine how helpful having this kind of skill could be in your day-to-day life.
“Yes, I’m bad ass. And I know it. That’s why I wiggle my tushy when I walk.”
Two things struck me about Katherine in this episode. The first is how smart and oddly nerdy she is. And I’m not just saying that, because Katherine seems to have a medical school knowledge of the paralyzing effect spinal cord-ripping has on the human body. Unlike Damon, Katherine isn’t exactly a fly by the seat of her pants, kind of girl. She’s a BIG planner . . . someone who painstakingly maps out her moves about 18 steps in advance. And this almost compulsive need to manipulate and control everything and everybody in her orbit, made Katherine’s downfall at the end of the hour, all the more shocking and satisfying.
The second thing I noticed about Katherine is how MUCH fun she has being naughty. Up until that Moonstone made her choke, Katherine was having a GREAT time during this episode. She LOVED flirting and dancing with Stefan.
She LOVED compelling Matt to kill Tyler. She loved taunting her boys inside the Lockwood mansion. And I think, a part of her even loved being STABBED, because she knew it was hurting Elena.
In many ways, Katherine is the ultimate feminist. She is comfortable in her skin, and confident in her sexuality. And with one important exception (Klaus), she NEVER allows men to control her. Unlike Damon and Stefan, who have both shown a certain tendency toward self-loathing, Katherine is someone who LOVES herself and her eternal existence unconditionally, evil warts and all.
7. Katherine gets drunk on tequila and rocks out in Alaric’s apartment.
KATHERINE: (to AlarKlaus) “Wanna drink? Come on! It might loosen you up!”
Why it Made the List:
Man, this scene was fun to watch! Up until this point, we’ve only seen Katherine be either scheming and calculating, or victimized, as she had been by Klaus, pretty much, up until this point in the episode. So, it was fun to see our girl Kat be a little uncharacteristically goofy here . . . getting wasted, and unself-consciously dancing with a lamp! (And she’s a pretty good dancer too! Almost as good as . . . well . . . you know . . .)
I also loved the part when AlarKlaus arrived home, and Katherine had to pretend to be sober, so that Klaus wouldn’t know how happy she was about Damon having secretly slipped her some vervain, so that the Original Vamp could no longer mind-control her into obedience.
“Uh oh! Dad’s home. Hide the booze!”
“I’m not feeling so good. I hope I don’t puke on Alaric’s couch.”
Anyone who’s ever had to fake sober for the parental units, after a fun night of underaged drinking can relate to Katherine in this scene. And, on top of that, she’s gotta pretend to be compelled, or he’ll TORTURE her. That’s a lot of complicating thinking to do, after you’ve downed half a bottle of tequila and, quite possibly, copulated with a light fixture!
What it says about Katherine:
I mentioned after the last scene that Katherine loves herself unconditionally. But she also loves LIFE (even though, technically, she’s not alive anymore . . . at least, not in the traditional sense). I mean, here is a girl who is TRAPPED by the same guy who she’s been running from for 500 years. And though she’s now free from his mind control, she STILL CAN’T LEAVE! And she STILL has to pretend to be compelled by him, and submit to his torture.
That’s enough to put ANYBODY in a bad mood. But not Katherine! It just makes her want to DANCE!
6. Katherine flirts with and antagonizes BOTH brothers / tells Stefan she’s been stalking him for the past century.
Episode: “Masquerade” – 2.07
KATHERINE: “The three of us together. Just like old times, the brother who loved me too much, and the one who didn’t love me enough.”
DAMON: “And the evil slut vampire, who only loved herself.”
KATHERINE: “What happened to you, Damon? You used to be so sweet and polite.”
DAMON: “Oh that Damon died a LONG time ago!”
KATHERINE: “Good. He was a bore.”
KATHERINE: “Does Elena enjoy having both of you worship at her altar?”
KATHERINE: “Everything I feel, Elena feels. So, go ahead. Or better yet, kiss me Damon. She’ll feel that too!”
KATHERINE: “We could play charades!”
KATHERINE: (to Damon) “Have I mentioned how inconvenient your little obsession with me has been.”
DAMON: “You and me, both.”
KATHERINE: “In 1987, you were in Chicago, at a concert of all places, with that wench, Lexie. Come on, Stefan, don’t look so surprised. Of course, I checked in on you over the years. You were standing in the front row dancing all night. You were watching Bon Jovi, and I was
Why it Made the List:
Man, the back and forth between Katherine and Damon was EPIC in this season! When it comes to barbs, that really hit where it hurts, these two are actually pretty evenly matched. (Hence the INSANELY long “Potent Quotables” section for this scene, above.) In the season finale, Damon told Elena that, had she met him in 1864, she would have really liked him. You have to wonder if Katherine had first met this “mean, impolite” Damon in present day, whether she would have developed stronger feelings for HIM!
Speaking of Elena, my only complaint about this scene is that Damon DIDN’T take Katherine’s advice and kiss her, so that Elena would feel it. I just would have LOVED to see the expression on her face, when she suddenly experienced the BEST KISS OF HER LIFE, without even opening her mouth.
As a psychology minor, I also really loved the dynamics between these three individuals that was on display here. How Damon was all bitter, and snarky, because Katherine had rejected him for Stefan. How Stefan was all business, trying to goad Katherine into giving up information about her plans. And how Katherine was annoyed by the lack of affect her sexuality was seeming to have on Stefan, and kept trying her hardest to get under his skin.
And of course, Katherine’s surprise take down by her supposed ally, Witch Lucy, was darn pretty amazing too! 😉
“Locked alone” in a room with her two ex-lovers, with nothing to do but “talk,” Katherine gradually lets her defenses down, and begins to reveal parts of her true self, that she might not want her lust objects / nemeses to see. Though on the surface, Katherine’s just toying with the boys, and continuing to play her game, certain vulnerabilities begin to shine through. We see her jealousy, at the fact that Elena may very well have replaced Katherine in BOTH the brother’s hearts, as the main object of their affection.
We see Katherine’s frustration at the fact that Stefan doesn’t seem to be responding to her advances the way he used to, and continues to ask her questions that she doesn’t want to answer.
We see Katherine’s vulnerability when, unwilling to admit to Stefan that she faked her own death, because she’s been running from Klaus and Elijah for 500 years, the Petrova Doppelganger ramps her flirt quotient up to about 50, when she launches into a kind of romantic, but also oddly creepy, description of how she’s been STALKING Stefan since 1864.
Oh, and by the way, I can’t really picture Stefan dancing to Bon Jovi. Can you?
5. Katherine rescues Damon, and tells Elena it’s OK to “love them both.”
Episode: “As I Lay Dying” – 2.22
KATHERINE: “Well, it’s me you should be thanking. I mean . . . I’m the one who brought the cure.”
KATHERINE: (to Elena) “I thought you were dead.”
ELENA: “I was.”
DAMON: (to Katherine) “You got free.”
KATHERINE: “Yep . . . finally.”
DAMON: “And you still came here.”
KATHERINE: “I owed you one.”
ELENA: “Where’s Stefan?”
KATHERINE: “Are you sure you care?”
KATHERINE: “He’s paying for this. He gave himself over to Klaus. I wouldn’t expect him anytime soon . . . He just sacrificed everything to save his brother . . . including you. It’s a good thing you have Damon to keep you company. Oh, it’s OK to love them both. I did!”
Why it Made the List:
What it says about Katherine:
For someone who claims to have always ONLY loved Stefan, Katherine REALLY went out of her way to save Damon’s life, when she just as easily could have saved herself, and left him to rot. Sure, according to Katherine, she’s only doing this because she OWES Damon, for giving her the vervain, back when she was trapped at Klaus’. But WE all know, that Katherine isn’t exactly a “you scratch my back, I’ll scratch your back,” kind of girl.” And Damon knows it too.
And for someone who is typically SO selfish, it was really refreshing to see Katherine acting so protective and maternal to Damon, while she was feeding him the cure. Watching her lovingly cup Damon’s face, you can see the sort of elusive softness about her, that drove Damon WILD for so many centuries.
Katherine’s always been jealous of Elena, and the boys’ newfound affection for HER . . . an affection that she feels she has claim too. But she also sees herself in Elena, and, I think, in her way, is trying to give her a little sage advice from an elder who’s been there. Katherine wants Elena to admit her love for Damon, and stop holding herself out as the holier than thou human she still thinks she is. The question that remains, of course, is whether Elena will take Katherine’s “advice” next season, and submit to her desires . . .
STEFAN: “Don’t flirt with me Katherine. I’m not Damon. I haven’t spent 145 years obsessed with you.”
KATHERINE: “Based on your choice of women, I’d say otherwise . . . though, I’ll admit, it does bother me that you’ve fallen in love with someone else.”
STEFAN: “I was never in love with you, Katherine. You compelled me. None of my feelings were real.”
KATHERINE: “Believe what you want, Stefan. But I know the truth. And, deep down, so do you.”
STEFAN: “Well the truth is that you are the same lying, selfish, manipulative b*tch that you have always been. So, whatever it is that brought you here, let’s just get on with it and leave town. Because, if you don’t, I will hunt you down, and I will rip your heart out.
KATHERINE: “You want to know why I’m here, Stefan. I came back for you.”
STEFAN: “Well, the problem Katherine, is that I HATE YOU.”
KATHERINE: (stabs Stefan with a candlestick) “You hate me, huh? That sounds like the beginning of a love story, not the end of one.”
Why it Made the List:
This was really the first time in the series that us fans were treated to the off-the-charts chemistry that Stefan and Katherine STILL have, in the present day, despite having been apart for 145-years. Every word, look and touch, oozes sexuality, and unresolved feelings of angry sexual frustration.
Stefan is different around Katherine than he is around anyone else. He’s meaner, tougher, and more inclined toward harsh words sexual innuendo. A darkness emerges from him, that we otherwise never see, at least not while he’s on the wagon. Katherine sees it. And she knows that when he says he never loved her, he doth protest WAY too much.
If Stefan REALLY didn’t love Katherine, he wouldn’t get so hot and bothered every time he was around her. She wouldn’t be able to bring out the worst in him (or the best, depending on how you view things . . . I’m of course, in the latter camp.)
Katherine is different when she’s around Stefan too. But we’ll get to that in the next section . . . 😉
What it says about Katherine:
Have you ever crushed on a guy so hard that you found that you couldn’t be yourself around him? You might be a real big talker, but when you get around him, you clam up. You might be soft spoken, but when you get around him you find yourself talking obnoxiously loud, for no reason, whatsoever. You might consider yourself a strong, and self-assured woman, but come to inches from him, and suddenly you’re a giggly little girl.
Though some of it might be purposeful on her part, I think that last example describes Katherine in this scene. For a kickass vampire who eats people like it’s her job, Katherine is surprisingly kittenish and vulnerable around Stefan. She laughs, giggles, and twirls her hair, which is something you don’t see when she’s around Damon.
When she sees that her flirtation is not having the desired impact, she gets very upset. Though Katherine tried to brush off Stefan’s claims that he never loved her, you could tell that it deeply affected Katherine. She immediately got pouty, and their might have even been a little tear peaking through her heavily mascara-ed eyelid. And then when Stefan says he hates her, she loses all her cool, stabs him, and rushes off like a petulant child. It’s kind of cute, in a weird way . . .
The fact that Katherine ultimately ended up having lied about her true reason for returning to Mystic Falls does nothing to belittle the obvious affect Stefan’s presence has on her in this scene.
3. Katherine has Dream Tomb Sex with Stefan.
Episode: “By the Light of the Moon” – 2.11
STEFAN: “The pleasure I get watching you suffer, is greater than any pain I will ever feel.”
KATHERINE: “It’s stuffy. I’ve been in this dress for days. Wanna help me get out of it?”
And later . . .
KATHERINE: “Come on, Stefan. Don’t be such a grump. We’re here together. We may as well make the best out of it. Do you really think Damon is going to rush to get you out? He’s got what he wants. Elena . . . Hey . . . given what’s most certainly going on out there, I’d say you’re free to do whatever you want in here. Nobody will EVER know . . .”
STEFAN: (growls) “Stay out of my head.”
KATHERINE: “Maybe I can do eternity in here, after all!”
Why it Made the List:
Aside from this scene being a TOTAL tease, because the CW trailer made it look like these two were going to have real, honest-to-goodness FULL ON SEX, it was still pretty awesome. Because, remember, a vampire can affect what you SEE in a dream, but it can’t really affect how you behave in it. There was a part of Stefan that couldn’t resist Katherine, and that part made this scene SUPER HOT!
Plus, let’s face it. It was REALLY funny, seeing Stefan shoot up from his “bed” at the end of the scene, all freaked out, and trying to hide his Very Happy Man Part. 😉
What it says about Katherine:
Honestly? Not much. After all, this was Stefan’s dream, and Katherine’s manipulation of it. She had all the control, and held all the cards. This was Katherine at her very best and most powerful. She was embracing her sexuality, and using it as a weapon of the most dangerous kind . . . a weapon of the HEART. It’s nothing we haven’t seen before from her, personality-wise . . .
But you know what DOES say something about Katherine? THIS deleted scene . . .
For the record, just because the producers of TVD decided to delete this scene DOESN’T mean I will ever stop considering it canon. And because it takes place in Katherine’s dream, and because her defenses are completely down while she is in it, we get to see Katherine at her most raw and truthful. Stefan COULD NOT have made up those lines that Katherine said in that dream. They came directly from her heart.
Here we see Katherine admit that not only has Katherine been STALKING Stefan over the years, she has also never stopped loving him, much as Damon never stopped loving her. I mentioned in my preview of this post that Katherine loves fiercely, and we can see it here. Through all the stakings, stranglings, tricks and tomb-trappings . . . despite all the evidence that Stefan’s heart may very well belong to another, Katherine still harbors hope in her heart that Stefan will one day return her love again.
She claims she’s willing to change to get that love back. And she’s willing to wait for it FOREVER. And as we know, according to Katherine, forever is a VERY LONG TIME . . .
2. Katherine has almost-sex with Damon, before breaking his heart . . . AGAIN.
Episode: “The Return” – 2.01
KATHERINE: “What, no goodbye kiss?”
DAMON: “Why don’t I kill you instead? What are you doing here?”
KATHERINE: “Nostalgia, curiosity, etc.”
DAMON: “I’m better at the enigmatic one-liners Katherine, what are you up to?”
KATHERINE: “Trust me, Damon. When I’m up to something, you’ll know it. Come on . . . kiss me, or kill me . . . We both know that you are only
capable of one . . . (after pushing him to the floor, and straddling him) . . . My sweet, innocent, Damon.”
DAMON: “Wait . . . brief pause . . . I have a question. Answer it and it’s back to fireworks, and rockets red glare. Answer it right . . . I’ll forget the last 145 years I’ve spent missing you. I’ll forget how much I loved you. I’ll forget everything, and we can start all over. This can be our defining moment . . . We have time. That’s the beauty of eternity. I just need the truth. Just once.
KATHERINE: “Just stop . . . I already know your question, and it’s answer. The truth is, I’ve never loved you. It was always Stefan.”
Why it Made the List:
As the hardcore Damon (and Delena) lover that I am, I should really HATE this scene. I should hate Katherine for doing this to Damon, knowing, full well, how much it hurts him, what it causes him to do (the Jeremy Neck Snap Incident), and the impact that it has on his relationship with Elena for the ENTIRE first third of the second season.
But still, I can’t help but LOVE this scene. For one thing, it’s one of the sexiest sex scenes we have on TVD. It’s hard, angry and edgy . . . which, is just how I like my sex scenes. (I’m not quite sure what that says about ME!)
And, of course, the acting on both Nina’s and Ian’s part was absolutely flawless here.
In the deleted scene we saw Katherine say that she would be willing to wait forever for Stefan to love her again. Here, we see that Damon is just as patient, and just as hopeless of a romantic as Katherine is. (A much more JADED soul than I would say he’s just as pathetic.) We know the havoc Katherine has wreaked on Damon’s heart for the last 145 years. And we recall the grudge he held against Stefan for wrongs HE committed that long ago. So, it’s surprising, and a bit heartening, to see Damon, desperately beg Katherine to, just once, say that she loved him, even if it’s a lie, so that he can go right back to loving her again, like nothing ever happened.
I was also surprised to see Damon STOP SEX to ask Katherine about her feelings for him, knowing that doing so would inevitably spoil the mood. This is undoubtedly a different Damon than the one we saw boning nameless sorority chicks, compelling Caroline to be his meal / love slave, and breaking Vicki’s neck on a whim. This Damon is a lovesick puppy dog. And, suddenly, it’s 1864 all over again . . .
When Katherine breaks Damon’s heart yet again, by telling him that she never loved him, our heart breaks too, in a very big way. Never before has Damon Salvatore been so vulnerable, and so sympathetic. So, it’s a real shame that he had to go and break Jeremy neck after that, thereby destroying all that good will he had engendered in us, as fans. (Don’t worry, Damon. I still love you, you Big Ole Psychopath!)
What it says about Katherine:
I’ve actually given this one a lot of thought. And I’m still not 100% sure I’ve come to a definite conclusion. I kept wondering WHY Katherine couldn’t just tell Damon she loved him. After all, that was always her big plan, wasn’t it? To keep Damon and Stefan by her side, forever. By telling Damon that she loved him, she would, at least, be guaranteed ONE of the two.
And it’s not as though Katherine DOESN’T love Damon. She DOES, though probably not as much as she loves Stefan. We’ve seen it in her decision to turn him, back in 1864, and her decision to rescue him, in present day. And we KNOW she loves HAVING SEX with him.
So, why not just tell Damon what he wants to hear?
Has Kat somehow developed a morality bone we don’t know about? Does she feel GUILTY about sleeping with Damon, and letting him think she loves him THE MOST, when she loves Stefan more? (I mean, he was just going to ask, if she EVER loved him, not if she ONLY loves him. So, what’s the big deal?) Was Katherine, perhaps, so overwhelmed by Damon’s outpouring of emotion that she couldn’t, in good conscience, sleep with him, knowing how much more it would mean to him than her? Did she do it, to somehow garner Stefan’s affections?
Or was there a darker reason for Katherine’s actions? Did she somehow know that doing this would send Damon over the edge, and take a measure of sick pleasure in causing him pain? I’m inclined to think one of the former, less evil, explanations is more likely. But I’m not sure. What do YOU think?
1. Katherine (posing as Elena) kisses Damon, chops off Uncle/Father John’s fingers, and (seemingly) kills him.
Episode: “Founder’s Day” – 1.22
FAUXLENA: “What are you doing here?”
DAMON: “A failed and feeble attempt at doing the right thing.
DAMON: “You know, I came to this town, wanting to destroy it, and tonight, I found myself wanting to protect it. How does that happen? I’m not a hero, Elena. I don’t do good. It’s not in me.
FAUXLENA: “Maybe it is.”
DAMON: “No, that’s reserved for my brother . . . and you . . . and Bonnie. Even though she has every reason to hate me, she still helped Stefan to
FAUXLENA: “Why do you sound so surprised?”
DAMON: “Because she did it for you, which means that somewhere along the way, you decided that I was worth saving. And I wanted to thank you for that.”
And later . . .
UNCLE / FATHER JOHN: (after his fingers are cut off) “Katherine?”
KATHERINE: “Hello John . . . Goodbye, John.”
Why it Made the List:
Oh my lord, was this the most SHOCKING TWIST EVER, on a television show. Here, us Delena fans were waiting for an ENTIRE season for Damon and Elena to kiss. So, this scene comes, near the end of the finale. And we get this brilliant heartfelt speech by Damon (so, heartfelt, in fact, that this made my Top Ten Delena Moments of Season 1 list, despite the fact that ELENA WASN’T EVEN IN THE SCENE.)
Then it ACTUALLY HAPPENS! THEY KISS! And it starts off tentative, with a chaste kiss on the cheek. But then, suddenly, “Elena” gives in to her desires, and it isn’t so tenative, anymore. It’s AWESOME and REAL. Except . . . it isn’t . . . not really, anyway.
Because, suddenly, “Elena” is vamping out at the kitchen counter, chopping off UNCLE / FATHER JOHN’S FINGERS, and trying to KILL HIM! I mean, HOLY CRAP!
And as disappointed as I was, that I was going to have to wait an ENTIRE EXTRA SEASON for Damon and Elena to ACTUALLY kiss ( it didn’t happen until the Season 2 finale), the final moments of “Founder’s Day” were still an exhilarating wild ride. And I loved every second of it . . . (Well . . . except for the part where Useless Aunt Jenna cock blocked Fauxlena and Damon. That SUCKED!
If looks could kill, Useless Aunt Jenna, you would have died an ENTIRE season earlier than you actually did, from the collective glares of Delena fans, during this very moment.
What it says about Katherine:
What’s interesting about this scene is that, the first time you watch it, you assume it’s Elena. And you are so caught up in the drama of her heart-to-heart with Damon, and her subsequent one with Uncle / Father John, that you don’t notice how ODD she is acting. Watching the scene a second time, really allows you to capture the brilliance of the show’s writing, of Nina Dobrev’s acting, and, most importantly (for our purposes anyway), of VAMPIRE KATHERINE.
Katherine’s been out of the loop for a VERY LONG TIME. And when she arrives on Elena Gilbert’s porch, after having stolen her clothing and personal belongings (She didn’t think to straighten her hair, though. A surefire sign of Katherine, if there ever was one.), she has very little idea of what she’s getting herself into.
Suddenly, there’s Damon on the porch, “sweet innocent, Damon” as she once called him. He’s babbling on about not being a hero, and not being a good person, but wanting to save the town, anyway. And Katherine’s clearly confused by how much THIS Damon has changed. After all, we know she’s checked in on Stefan over the years. But we can’t be too sure, whether she has done the same with Damon. It’s very possible that she hasn’t. She’s also noticing that Damon seems EXTREMELY enamored with her . . . only she’s NOT herself, she’s Elena. And that confuses Katherine too.
So, while Elena, at least at this point in the series, would probably be talking Damon’s EAR off about how he IS good person, and he CAN be a better man, if he just tries, etc. etc., Katherine’s suspiciously quiet. She responds vaguely and generally to Damon’s inquiries, so as not to give herself away. And when he kisses her, she’s undoubtedly, surprised, but decides to go with it anyway, because she’s Katherine.
After Useless Aunt Jenna breaks up the fun, and invites the vampire into her home, Katherine’s evasive tactics work once again, when she simply tells her doppelganger’s guardian that she “doesn’t want to talk” about The Kiss. But when Kat talks to Uncle / Father John, that’s when things get REALLY interesting. Because Katherine HAS a history with John. She KNOWS the story he’s telling, even though Elena doesn’t. So, she’s biding her time, waiting for a moment to strike. And she picks a great one, right when Uncle / Father John’s defenses are at their weakest, because he believes his biological daughter is finally giving him the time of day.
And it all just goes to show you that those who dare to underestimate Vampire Katherine do so at their peril. Take note, Salvatores and Originals. Because something tells me The Kat will return in Season 3, and she will do so with a VENGEANCE!
Well, that’s all I’ve got on Vampire Katherine. I hope you enjoyed it. Special thanks again to the Petrova-Gifs Tumblr, for the excellent gifs. And see you on Thursday, Fangbangers!
ELENA: “Psst . . . Bonnie . . . so I have this plan that’s going to make Delena fans and Bamon fans totally want to kill one another. It’s going to be SO COOL! Are you interested?”
BONNIE: “That depends . . . does it involve me having blood gushing out of my nose, and making constipated facial expressions, while I shoot bolts of light out of my fingertips? Because I really hate that . . .”
ELENA: “Umm . . . welllllll . . . yeah . . . But you also get to butt hump Damon on the dance floor, for a little while!”
BONNIE: “I’m IN!”
“Make Love . . . Not War.” That’s a saying you always hear people say, when they talk about the 60’s . . . and about the hippies, who made that era an extremely “groovy” (not to mention, REALLY SLUTTY) time to be alive. So, it’s fitting that this episode of TVD, which centers around a 60’s dance, was chock full of both love AND war. But you don’t really care about that, do you? You just want to watch Damon wiggling his butt in tight leather pants!
Shame on YOU! I was trying to teach you a HISTORY LESSON! Now, I know how Alaric feels (the REAL one)!
Yes, there was definitely something for EVERYONE in “The Last Dance.” For example, no matter what SHIP you are on, your favorite couple probably AT LEAST danced together tonight. (Except for Forwood! Sorry Forwood fans!) Your favorite character probably had at least one BAD ASS moment to shine on screen! And the character you HATE the most, probably had at least one scene, where he or she was either flatly rejected, or (SURPRISE!) thrown up against a wall!
Have you ever wondered who Steven R. McQueen pissed off in the TVD writer’s room, to ensure that (1) all Jeremy’s girlfriends get whacked; and (2) he gets his ass pummeled each week, by everyone from invisible witch girls, to middle aged men in Coke bottle glasses, to skinny 14-year old boys?
Though not quite as “plot heavy” as last week’s installment, “The Last Dance” was still an action-packed hour, complete with twists, turns, fights, cliffhangers, deaths, rebirths, and enough AWESOME Delena eye-f*&king to impregnate an entire COUNTRY of TVD fans, just from watching the show! romance to fuel fanfiction writers for the next YEAR AND A HALF, AT LEAST!
So, only one question remains, Fang Bangers, “May I have this dance?”
Playing House with AlarKlaus
You know what I really hate? When evil old vampires possess my History teacher, and he compels me to stab myself repeatedly in the knee! That just really sucks! (It also makes wearing short skirts very difficult.)
Well, that’s ONE way to get rid of cellulite!
When the episode begins, we check in on AlarKlaus, who, apparently, has moved into Alaric’s house (which I guess makes sense . . . I just thought someone of Klaus’ stature would choose more fancy digs, than what one can purchase on a high school teacher’s salary). Bunking with AlarKlaus is the kidnapped Katherine, and Klaus’ gay lover Sumo Warlock. It sure sounds like a party to me!
After railing on Alaric’s admittedly boring as all heck “Safari Sam” wardrobe . . .
Chunky Monkey, notwithstanding . . .
. . . AlarKlaus (who’s new voice and accent makes him sound much less like Yoda than he did last week . . . which is refreshing) starts trying to glean information about the Scooby Gang from a very grumpy-looking Katherine. Unfortunately, Katherine’s been kind on the outs with the Scooby Gang, ever since THIS happened . . .
and THIS . . .
. . . and let’s not forget THIS . . .
So, she doesn’t have very much information to GIVE!
In fact, the Katherine we see this week is a VERY different vamp, from the confident, in charge, villainess we saw in “Plan B,” who single-handedly maneuvered a Useless Aunt Jenna Suicide Attempt AND a Stelena Breakup, AND a Tyler werewolf curse activation, all without even breaking a sweat!
The Katherine of “The Last Dance” is someone who has very much been beaten at her own game — rejected by BOTH Salvatores, betrayed by her best (only?) friend, and kidnapped by AlarKlaus. It’s odd seeing a character who was once seemingly willing to DO anything, and betray ANYBODY, in order to stay alive, literally begging her tormentor for death. And yet, in requesting to be put out of her misery, the usually sly Katherine makes yet ANOTHER mistake! Because now that Klaus knows what Katherine WANTS, he’ll definitely make sure she doesn’t get it.
“I’ve been searching for you for 500 years. So, I’ll be sure to make your death take at least half that long,” AlarKlaus explains to a petrified Katherine. And that’s how AlarKlaus came to compel Katherine to stab herself in the leg . . . over . . . and over . . . and over again. “And if you get bored . . . switch legs,” he offers. “Don’t be so glum, Kat! The fun is just beginning!”
FIRST he makes hilariously true jokes about Alaric’s bad wardrobe, and THEN he makes Katherine do the vampiric equivalent of a rat caught in a trap, who is forced to chew off its own legs. It’s OFFICIAL! AlarKlaus is about ten times cooler (not to mention, hotter) than the Useless Aunt Jenna-dating Alaric will EVER BE!
Ahhh, but can he DANCE?
It’s Time for a Knock-Knock Joke!
DAMON: “Knock, Knock!”
ELENA: “Who’s there?”
ELENA: “Damon who?”
DAMON: “Damon, who wants to get into your pants.”
ELENA: “You may enter . . . them.”
Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome (which, thanks to some quick and dirty paperwork, has hereby, been redubbed Elena’s Casa de Rich and Awesome) the Salvatore brothers are standing on the front porch, waiting to be “invited” into the home that has LITERALLY been in their name for centuries. Last week, when Damon half-jokingly told Elena that he would be “really pissed” if she refused to invite him back into his own house, I just KNEW that comment was going to come back and bite him in the ASS!
And bite, it DID! Because while Elena let Stefan into the house, without giving him much thought or attention, for that matter, when it came Damon’s turn, she decided to use this as an opportunity to engage him in some HIGH QUALITY flirtation and eye f*&king, before he “crossed the threshhold” into HER home (and, inevitably, her panties).
“What are we twelve?” Damon asks, feigning annoyance, when he is secretly LOVING all the attention he is getting.
“One of us is,” says Elena, flirtatiously, blocking the door, and posing seductively, in a manner that would make doppelganger Katherine proud!
Elena makes Damon promise that he will OBEY the “owner of the house,” before allowing him to enter. Upon hearing this statement, my mind immediately fills up with KINKY S&M images of these two . . .
“Damon, you’ve been a VERY BAD BOY! You must OBEY ME! Say my name, B*TCH!”
Oh, yeah, and I almost forgot. Bonnie is at the house too. And because it’s Mystery Meat Day at the cafeteria, Elena and Bonnie have decided to make their biannual pilgrimage to school. Damon doesn’t want Elena to leave. He’d much rather OBEY her some more upstairs in one of the bedrooms. But Elena knows that the plot of this week’s episode requires her to attend at least one class, and lunch. So, she insists. “Next to Bonnie is the safest place I can be,” Elena offers helpfully.
Painfully Obvious Foreshadowing Moment #1
Journey to CougarTown
*sings* “Caroline’s mom has got it going on. She’s all I want, and I’ve waited for so. . .” Ick, nevermind!
Back at Caroline’s house, Matt Donavasshole has arrived. But he’s not there to visit to his girlfriend, like a normal red-blooded teenage boy would, he’s there to visit her, not particularly feminine, mother.
MATT: “Ms. Forbes, are you trying to seduce me?”
LIZ: “That depends . . . is it working?”
Apparently, Sheriff Lizard Forbes would very much like for Matt to keep boning her daughter, and playing dumb (Well, that part should be easy for him, at least!) about all the information Caroline told him last week. That’s right boys and girls! Lizard Forbes, not only knows HER own daughter’s secret, she also knows DAMONS . . . and STEFAN’S . . . and ELENA’S . . . and TYLER’S (Way to be discreet, CAROLINE!)
“I just need you to buy me some time, while I figure out how to dig myself out of this ridiculous Black Hole of a Plotline the writers have dug for our now ridiculously unlikeable characters.“
I’m sorry, but I just don’t understand this storyline AT ALL! I suspect the point of this conversation was to make fans of the show HATE Matt less. After all, he’s only doing what Caroline’s MOM wants him to do, right? Right?
WRONG! The fact that Matt is chosing his girlfriend’s MOTHER, over his actual girlfriend just makes him a Mama’s Boy, not to mention a TOTAL WEINERFACE POOPYHEAD!
At least last week, when I thought Lizard and Donovasshole actually had a PLAN, behind their manipulation and betrayal of Caroline, I was intrigued by their newfound villainy. Now, I’m just confused . . . and bored. In fact, let’s just forget the aforementioned scene ever happened, OK?
POOF! It’s been forgotten!
Don’t Know Much About History (But Know a Ton About Being CREEPY!)
Wanting to “lay eyes on his precious doppelganger,” AlarKlaus decides to head to school. Normally, of course, this would be the absolute WORST place to find Elena, since, as I mentioned, she’s NEVER THERE. But Elena IS at school today. So, when AlarKlaus, under the guise of Alaric, arrives at his history class, it gives him the perfect opportunity to ogle and leer inappropriately at Elena, the daughter of his ex-wife, and adopted daughter of his now-ex girlfriend. (Umm, yeah . . . because that’s not incestuous at all!)
“Care to join us, Elena? We were playing pin the tail on the Chunky Monkey.”
The funniest part of this scene, of course, was that, unlike vampire Stefan, who, during the pilot episode, was a walking encyclopedia of dates and events. New History Teacher AlarKlaus doesn’t remember a THING about the 60’s! He’s been around so darn long that individual decades don’t even register on his radar!
Not only can AlarKlaus not teach worth a DAMN, he also doesn’t know ANY of his students’ names, or what he was teaching in class the day before! Of course, nobody in the class, least of all Elena, thinks there is anything at all strange about this. Of course, I attribute this to the fact that the REAL Alaric is an alcoholic, who goes out drinking with Bromantic Buddy Damon every night, and always shows up to class wasted . . .
At lunch “Dana” or as I like to refer to her “Creepy Compelled Girl from the Promos,” asks Elena if she is going to the 60’s dance tonight. She then tells her that a “hot guy named Klaus,” who DOESN’T look like her history teacher, wants her to save the “last dance” for him.
“3 scenes, 3 lines. You know what that means, don’t you? SAG CARD, HERE I COME!”
By the way, did anybody else find it strange that AlarKlaus was “human,” in the sense that Bonnie would be capable of killing him rather easily, were it not for the use of a Protection Spell . . . and “human,” in the sense that he could, enter Elena’s house without an invitation (more on that later) . . . but “vampiric” in his ability to compel others? Now, maybe this is because compulsion is something that occurs in the mind, and not the body. And yet, I’ve always considered it to be an exclusively VAMPIRE power, which would mean that someone inhabiting Alaric‘s body, shouldn’t have been able to do it. Any thoughts?
The knowledge that Klaus has invaded Mystic Falls High and miraculously compelled an Extra to play his “wingman,” makes Elena cry we, we, we, we, we all the way back to her Casa de Rich and Awesome, to tell the rest of the Scooby Gang the bad news. I smell a Pow Wow of Sexiness and Plot Explanation!
“Well Hi, There, Super Villain! Wanna kill me? Here’s HOW!”
So, remember how Damon used to be a member of the Let’s Kill All the Vampires in Mystic Falls Committee?
Well, it seems Klaus has taken a page out of the Salvatore Playbook, and has decided to join team Save Elena from Klaus . . .
It ends up being a BRILLIANT MOVE on Klaus’ part, actually. Not only is the Scooby Gang COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS to the fact that AlarKlaus acts ABSOLUTELY NOTHING LIKE ALARIC, they also proceed to carefully detail for him their Klaus-killing plan. Even though, presumably, Alaric himself, has probably heard it before (most likely during one of his and Damon’s LONNNNG nights of binge drinking).
“I’m the Plan of Attack,” says Bonnie, like the humble gal she is.
When AlarKlaus challenges Bonnie’s ability to kill a Big Bad Vampire like himself Klaus, Bonnie gladly proves him wrong, by doing THIS . . .
Look on the bright side, Damon. At least it wasn’t a Wall Slam!
After his fun with the Scooby Gang, AlarKlaus heads back to Alaric’s crib and proceeds to play with himself “Safari Sam’s” toys. Said toys include a SERIOUS arsenal of BAD ASS WEAPONRY . . .
(As we already knew.)
. . . and of course, lots of top quality liquor. (See, I told you he’s an Alchy!)
AlarKlaus worries out loud that Bonnie (or as he lovingly refers to her, the Witch B*tch) might actually be able to defeat him, by murdering Alaric’s body. So, Sumo Warlock comes up with the “brilliant” idea to “protect” AlarKlaus through a spell.
Alert the media! It speaks!
Once protected, Klaus can provoke Bonnie into using all her powers, thereby causing her to croak, just like the Great Witch Prophecy of Emily Bennett had said she would.
“Screw you too . . . EMILY!”
And this brings us to the night of the Next Last Dance . . .
Dance with the Devil (and everyone else on this show TOO!)
It’s 60’s Dance Night, and our Scooby Gang is trying to “blend in with the crowd,” and have fun, while, at the same time, “tracking down and kiling Klaus.” ALMOST everyone in the gang does a great job with the whole “Blending In” thing . . . except for . . . well . . .
You know you are a Major Buzzkill, when EVERYONE ELSE AT THE PARTY is wearing hot pants, and hippie outfits, and YOU show up dressed as an ASSASSINATED PRESIDENT, Matt DONAVASSHOLE! It’s called a THEME dance, not Halloween! Just sayin’!
Outside the dance, a still extremely concerned Jeremy tries to give Bonnie his Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality. (Gee, I wonder why he would think she would be in danger?)
Bonnie declines Jeremy’s “marriage to life” proposal . . .
. . . arguing that the ring only works on HUMANS and, as a witch, Bonnie is NOT exactly human. You know, for all the MASSIVE hatred of all things supernatural, Bonnie has exhibited in the past, admitting that she is somewhat of a “monster” herself, is a MAJOR step in the right direction for our girl, Bonnie! And you know what THAT means, don’t you?
Painfully Obvious Foreshadowing Moment #2
Meanwhile, a very efficient AlarKlaus, has already begun the arduous task of Making the Compelled Humans Do His Work For Him.(LA-ZY!) First, he “hires” “Dana” to give Elena the song dedication we witnessed in the promo. Then, he commandeers “Dana’s 14-year old date and his rather wimpy looking friends” to “make some extra extra credit.” AlarKlaus then slips this Second String Geek Squad some of Alaric’s gnarlier vampire hunting weapons (which reminds me, where the heck did AlarKlaus HIDE THOSE? In his TIGHT PANTS? A man purse, perhaps?) to carry out this week’s Mini Gilbert Smackdown.
But still, through it all, Damon is not impressed, and he tells AlarKlaus as much . . .
While, AlarKlaus goes and cries in his punch bowl, at Damon’s rejection of his villainy, Damon himself tries to IMPRESS his lady friends, with his Mad Dancing Skills, the excellence of which we are already well aware . . .
Unlike AlarKlaus, who’d much prefer a more “prim and proper” decade, like the 20’s, Damon genuinely seems to feel at home in the 60’s. (I attribute this to the leather pants.) And when he sees that his soon-to-be lover Elena is not enjoying herself quite as much as she should be, he sets out to change that, in one of my FAVORITE Delena moments of the episode . . .
In a move that many of us Delena fans would like to view as a “foreshadowing of things to come,” Damon QUITE LITERALLY spins Elena away from Stefan’s arms, and into his own. Elena is shocked, and pleasantly surprised by the gesture. So, she shows her appreciation, by ogling Damon’s manparts, and staring at his eyes and lips, as if she would very much like to swallow them all whole.
(Might I remind you that THIS is Ponytail Elena! And, as we learned in “Daddy Issues” Ponytail Elena is ALWAYS down for Sexy Times with Damon!)
“You are very good at this,” says a Breathless Elena, as the tension of being stalked by Klaus starts to leave her body, and a DIFFERENT kind of tension, begins to build DOWN BELOW. Damon further diffuses Elena’s discomfort, by offering up a bit of that patent snarky humor of his we all enjoy so much . . .
“Remember the LAST Dance we went to, where the vampires were all like ‘Arrrrrgh’ and you were all like ‘AHHHHHH?”
I’m not even making that up! Damon ACTUALLY says these words to Elena! And it’s pretty friggin hilarious! But Damon is not just saying it, to give fans of the show a little Season 1 flashback . . .
Memories . . . like the corners of my mind . . . misty water-colored memories . . . of the way we were!
He says it to remind Elena that she’s on the SCOOBY GANG! And the Scooby Gang ALWAYS wins in the end! GO TEAM!
Having already swept Elena off her feet, Damon turns his attention to more practical matters. And so begins his Ass Grind Fest with Bonnie Bennett, while the pair whisper Sweet Klaus Magical Murder Schemes in one another’s ears . . .
Ponytail Elena, of course, is NOT AT ALL COOL with this! No one is going to ASS GRIND with Damon, besides HER! “What are THOSE TWO up TO?” Ponytail Elena asks Jeremy pointedly, her kitty claws, ready to scratch Bonnie’s eyes out . . .
Ooh, I bet Damon LOVES it when she gets jealous!
A Broody Jeremy leaves the dance promptly. So, Sensitive Stefan, always the group’s unofficial shrink, rushes to comfort him. It is there, that Jeremy finally spills the beans on Bonnie’s Deadly Witch Sacrifice Plans. So, of course, Stefan blabs to Elena. And Elena confronts Bonnie. And it becomes this BIG OLE Game of Telephone, Scooby Gang style!
Elena pulls Bonnie aside, and tells her, once and for all, that she is NOT dying to save Elena’s life. But Bonnie notes, not unkindly, that Elena would do the same thing for her. And Elena can’t deny this . . . There is crying, and hugging, and all sorts of HO-mantic goodness . . . and all while Poor Jeremy is getting his ASS HANDED to him, by a bunch of twerps, for the 85,000th time this season. But when Damon and Stefan come to his rescue, they figure out pretty quickly that the twerps were compelled, and that this is all ONE BIG TRAP.
Meanwhile, “Alaric” has come outside to inform Elena and Bonnie that “Klaus has Jeremy.” They quickly follow him back inside the school. Ruh-ROH!
I love how INCREDIBLY long it took Elena and Bonnie to finally figure out that Klaus had possessed Alaric’s body. In fact, when AlarKlaus, who was clearly SO DONE pretending to be a mild-mannered history teacher, started verbally threatening them in the hallway, their first thought was that he was COMPELLED by Klaus to do it. “Are you still on vervain, Alaric?” Elena inquires.
Finally, AlarKlaus gives up being cryptic, and grudingly SPELLS IT OUT FOR THE GIRLS . . . “I’ll give you a hint, I’m not Alaric,” AlarKlaus admits. (Well DUH!) Now that all their secrets are finally out on the table, AlarKlaus comes clean about the fact that it is BONNIE he wants to murder this evening, not Elena. So, Bonnie starts going all witchy on his ass. But thanks to Sumo Warlock’s protection spell, it isn’t quite as effective as she would have hoped. “If you kill this body, I’ll just have to go and get myself another one . . . maybe Jeremy’s,” Klaus notes . . .
“You mean, there’s a scenario out there, where I might actually WIN a fight, for a change? HELLS YEAH!”
(Hmmm, now the Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality protects Jeremy from Death by Supernatural Beings. I wonder if it protects him from possession by Supernatural Beings . . . interesting . . .)
Knowing a lost cause when they see one, Elena an Bonnie dash off in retreat. Outside, the school, we see Damon employ a similar Divide and Conquer Vampire Trick to the one we saw Klaus use on Elena and Bonnie, earlier. (I swear there must be a Vampire Playbook out there, somewhere!)
“GO FIND STEFAN,” Damon instructs Elena. (And she falls for it . . . AGAIN!)
Where’s your head at, girlfriend? Keep this up, and the next thing you know, you’ll be hiding important ancient artifacts in soap dishes!
Alone again with Bonnie, Damon begins to describe to her his plan for Elena’s survival, in earnest . . .
The Big Battle Scene between Bonnie and AlarKlaus takes place in some student lounge. It’s not much of a battle, really. Because the pair NEVER so much as lays a finger on one another. We see Bonnie do her, nose bleed, raised hand, glaring thing. Alaric gets thrown around the room a bit, Mini Gilbert style, but always gets up unscathed.
Then, vending machines start exploding, and my heart goes out to the students at MysticFalls High. Because I know just HOW LONG school days can be, when you can’t get your $.75 pack of pretzels, or your $1.00 Diet Coke with Lime!
Umm . . . Bonnie? I don’t know how to tell you this, but your nose is like REALLY BLEEDING, and you’ve got some lightning sparks in your hair . . .
Speaking of Bonnie’s hair, I’ve just figured out the REAL benefit of witchy fighting: NO BAD HAIR DAYS! You can save the world, and still look like you just stepped out of a salon! (Well . . . as long as you plug up those unsightly nose bleeds, that is!)
Anywhoo, Elena arrives on the scene just in time to see AlarKlaus disappear into thin air, and Bonnie drop dead . . .
Now, if you’ve read these recaps before, you know that Bonnie and I aren’t exactly the best of “pals.” But you’ve really gotta hand it to Nina Dobrev, and her Mad Acting Skills. Because when she rushed onto the scene, and started bawling over Bonnie’s lifeless body, I must admit, I grew a bit teary-eyed, myself.
Moments later, the Salvatore Bro’s rush onto the scene, with Damon instructing Stefan to get Elena away from the body, so that he can DO HIS BUSINESS. Being the Good Little Boy that he is, Stefan complies.
Meanwhile, Damon gently closes Bonnie’s eyes, and carries her down to some weird candlelit room. (What’s with witches and candles anyway? Can someone explain this to me?) Damon finds Jeremy in the parking lot, and solemnly directs her to Bonnie’s underground grave. When he gets down there, Bonnie opens her eyes . . .
SURPRISE! Bonnie’s NOW A FLESH EATING ZOMBIE! She’s ALIVE! Haha, fooled you, TVD fans! Aren’t accidental deaths meant to manipulate the audience into having FEELINGS for a character they may or may not have originally given two craps about HILARIOUS!
Now, that you’ve totally flipped your sh*t, it’s time for a little product placement. You see, apparently, Jeremy brought his little mini laptop with him to the dance (DORK!)! I’ll show you how he plans to use it in a bit. Meanwhile, let’s go check on Elena, who’s not in on the “SUPER FUNNY” Death Fake Out, YET . . .
Back at Elena’s Casa de Rich and Awesome, Stefan is trying in vain to comfort his girlfriend, who is still completely inconsolate over the not-so-much-death of Bonnie. When Damon comes home from “burying the Witch Bitch,” a tearful Elena, really lets him have it, “You knew she was going to DIE,” Elena insists.
“Yes,” replies Damon. *facepalm*
(See, if I were Damon, my first words, upon entering the house, would have been. “HAHA, BONNIE’S ALIVE! APRIL FOOL’S!” I mean, talk about burying the lead!)
Not surprisingly, Elena slaps Damon for his insensitive words . . . HARD!
And THAT’S when Damon FINALLY decides to tell her the truth: that Bonnie had to make Klaus BELIEVE she was dead, so that he would stop trying to attack her. Damon’s reasoning for keeping this from Elena was that, he believed that, if she knew what was going to happen, she probably wouldn’t have put on as believeable a Cry Face, as she did that evening. (Well . . . it WAS a good Cry Face!)
Elena happily rushes to her room and heads online. Back in the Bat Cave, Jeremy has set up his underground WiFi connection, which allows Elena and Bonnie to SKYPE together! YAY! Lamest Best product placement ever!
You can just imagine the tagline on the inevitable commercial that will result from this, “Have you faked your own death? Are you bored and lonely, living life underground, while all your friends and family are having fun upstairs? SKYPE can HELP!”
(Which reminds me . . . doesn’t Bonnie have parents? Aren’t THEY going to start to wonder, why she never came home from the dance? Aren’t there ANY good parents on this show?)
And YES, I am looking at YOU, Useless Aunt Jenna! Little Miss, I’m Going to Live on Campus for a Week, While the Two Children in My Care Get Beat Up, and Psychologically Tortured, at a School Dance, and one of them somehow “Purchases” a MANSION!
Oh, DON”T even get me started!
Downstairs, at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Stefan is pouting, because Damon didn’t let him in on the Oh-So-Funny plan he and Bonnie had to PUNK Elena. Damon rightfully argues, that had he told Stefan, Stefan would have undoubtedly gone blabbing to Elena, and ruined everything.
“Don’t get me wrong Stefan, I don’t mind being the Bad Guy,” Damon begins. “I’ll make all the Life and Death Decisions while you worry about the collateral damage. I’ll even let her hate me for it. But at the end of the day, I’ll be the one to keep her alive.”
Harsh words, Elder Salvatore . . . but true. I actually think THIS moment represents a real turning point for the Stefan-Elena-Damon love triangle. But not for the reasons you might think. Remember back in “Rose,” when Damon told Elena that he loved her, but ultimately compelled her to forget it, because he felt that Stefan was more DESERVING of Elena’s love, than he was?
Who am I kidding? Of COURSE you remember! It was EPIC!
Well, THIS is the first time we’ve seen Damon actually question whether or not that is actually true. Here, BOTH Stefan and Damon are coming to the realization that Damon MAY, in fact, be better equipped to save Elena, than Stefan is. After all, Damon is willing to hurt Elena, in order to keep her safe, whereas Stefan might not be capable of doing so. Interestingly enough, Stefan never contests Damon’s accusations against him. Rather, he seems to take them to heart, in a very personal way.
And I think that it is THIS realization on Damon’s part, that allows him to be as upfront with Elena, about his feelings for her, as he is in the next scene. While Damon does not go QUITE as far, as he did in “Rose,” in that he does not verbally use the word, “love” to describe his feelings for her, the words Damon does use are JUST as powerful of an indicator of that emotion.
I’ll let you watch the scene in full first, so you can get the complete impact. And then I’ll make a few choice comments . . .
Watching this scene again, I’m struck by how very HONEST both Damon and Elena are with one another, about their true intentions. In hindsight, you can almost SEE the moment, when Elena makes the decision to do what she does in the final scene. Once she’s decided, she all but telegraphs to Damon, her choice, as if begging him to say the thing that will stop her. “Let me get one thing straight, I will NOT let Bonnie die for me,” says Elena. “There has to be another way.”
You can try to hide your true feelings from Damon. But Flirty Hair Pulls of Lust don’t LIE, Elena!
But Damon loves Elena so very much, that he can’t hear what she is trying to tell him in this moment, which is tragic on so many levels. “Let me get one thing straight,” he begins, “If it comes down to you or the Witch again, I will gladly let her die. I will ALWAYS . . . CHOSE . . . YOU.”
Just as Damon realized that he HAD to keep his plans regarding Bonnie a secret from Elena, in order to protect Elena’s life, Elena now realizes that she has to keep her decision from Damon, in order to protect Bonnie’s life. And it is because they are both such similarly passionate people — who are willing to sacrifice everything forthose they care about — that Damon and Elena will NEVER agree on the lengths they should go to keep Elena safe.
I think my favorite moment of the scene, was the very final one. This is after all the confessions have been made, when Elena realizes that her next move is going to be a major betrayal of Damon’s love for her.
After saying good night to Damon, Elena turns back toward him, and looks him straight in the eye. (For a second there, I REALLY did think she was going to kiss him.) Clearly, there was SO MUCH that Elena wanted to say to Damon: about his feelings for her . . . about HER feelings for him . . . and about the sacrifices people make for ones they love. And I actually think Elena came EXTREMELY close to telling Damon her plans regarding Elijah. But in the end she knew that she couldn’t. Instead, Elena leaves Damon’s room, sad, confused, and resigned to her fate.
As Damon watches Elena go, he too has left a lot unsaid, regarding just how much he truly loves her, and how much it kills him to see her in pain, especially when he is the one causing it. And yet, now that Damon is FINALLY starting to realize how much he truly deserves Elena, there’s a good chance HE may unburden himself to her completely,someday soon. Hopefully, that day will come sooner, rather than later.
But first . . . he will have THIS new development to deal with . . .
As you recall, the Rhythm Method of Murdering Vampire Originals has one small catch . . . “pull out” too late, and you’ve got another pesky little vampire bun in your oven! That’s right boys and girls! Thanks to Elena, ELIJAH HAS RETURNED!
Speaking of Elijah, next week, we get to see him in Flashback Mode, complete with a Brand Spanking OLD haircut! Oh, and did I mention the TITLE for next week’s episode? It’s called “Klaus.” Yes indeed, the REAL Voldemort will be showing his face on your television screen VERY SOON! You can check out the extended preview for the episode, right here:
In the epic words of Elijah himself, “I believe the term you are looking for is ‘OMFG.'”
(Yeah, this TOTALLY didn’t happen to me at the convention. But it COULD HAVE!)
In case you missed it, yesterday’s Eyecon-themed post was all about THIS GUY . . .
That’s right, fanboys and fangirls! On Saturday, I got to spend a good portion of the day listening to Paul Wesley chat about his life and career (but, mostly, I just stared at his midsection, and waited for his navy blue hoodie to make an “accidental” abs-revealing move upward, as he answered fans’ questions).
Today, it’s all about THIS GUY!
There are simply NO WORDS to describe how intensely erotic exciting it was to spend the day in such close proximity to a man I would really love to sleep with admire so intensely, for his top-notch body work ethic, unmatched talent for making my panties drop to the floor every time he’s on screen deftly exposing the heart of any character he plays, and genuine dedication to hot on-screen sex making the world a better place.
If it is at all possible, Ian is about ten times better looking, not to mention, more charming and eloquent, than he appears both in interviews and on-screen. When I got the chance to actually meet him face-to-face, even though I spent most of those Very Meaningful 30-seconds doing this . . .
. . . and even though he had already posed for about a BILLION other photographs with equally smitten fangirls, he still managed to make me feel like I was the only girl in the room with him. (Oh, and I got to touch his BARE ARM!)
But, obviously, you didn’t click on this post to hear about ME . . .
Obviously, you want to learn more about HIM! So, what are we waiting for? Let’s get IAN-ED . . .
Regarding his charitable work, and the Ian Somerhalder Foundation . . .
I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to be a monkey more in my entire life . . .
Ian takes his dedication to the environment, in general, and his Foundation, specifically, extremely seriously. When the Q&A session first opened, he brought on stage with him a very precocious little lady named Devon Haas, who will be heading up the ISF Kids Army . . .
“Just because you are a kid, doesn’t mean you don’t have a voice,” said young Devon.
With Devon’s help, Ian and his Foundation will be tackling all sorts of important environmental and world issues, such as helping Earthquake victims, promoting the use of clean and green technology, protecting the rainforest, and rescuing animals the world over from homelessness, hunger, and cruel mistreatment. “I love all animals,” said Somerhalder. “I believe that the more compassion we have for animals, the better place this world will be . . .”
As proof of his dedication to making the world a better place and his belief that young people have a voice, when asked by two young girls, how they could get their charitable organization off-the-ground and running, Ian offered to PERSONALLY help them to do that. During the Convention, a boatload of TVD-themed memorabilia, signed by Ian himself, was auctioned off to raise money for the Foundation. Most notable amongst these auction items was a kind of freaky looking adorable baby doll dressed and crafted to look just like Damon Salvatore.
Interested in knowing how much it costs to have Ian Somerhalder’s baby? It sold for . . . wait for it . . . $3,000.
OK . . . so, baby dolls aren’t exactly what I personally prefer to spend my hard-earned dollar bills on. I prefer to spend them attending conventions, where you get the opportunity to fondle the arms of hot celebrities. But hey, it’s for a good cause, right? Did I mention that the lucky winner got to hug and kiss Ian, AND pose with him for a “family portrait.” $3,000 is suddenly starting to sound not-so-expensive, after all . . .
Regarding Damon Salvatore, a.k.a. The Hottest Vampire on the Planet . . .
Ian opened up the question portion of the afternoon, by personally thanking fans for loving Damon Salvatore so much, and for having the insight and empathetic ability to move past his “slight flaws.” (i.e. a tendency to bite people’s heads off, shameless womanizing, and, possibly, VERY advanced alcoholism)
“So, what if it’s only 7 a.m.? I was thirsty . . . and I ran out of Soccer Mom! Don’t judge me!”
Having started off the series seeming like your run-of-the-mill, super gorgeous, and back breakingly funny, 160 something-year old sociopath, Damon Salvatore has grown into this extremely complex and suprisingly emotional character, one who is capable of loving another human being, and making genuine sacrifices in service to that love.
Ian, who believes that all acting is about searching for the “truth” behind a character’s words and motivations, enjoys the difficult, and sometimes emotionally exhausting, work of peeling back the layers on Damon’s character.
So what’s next for Damon Salvatore? Both Paul and Ian, have suggested, not entirely in jest, a switch between the basic roles Damon and his brother will play in Elena’s life, in the upcoming season.
“Yes, Damon will become Stefan. Stefan will become Damon. And Elena will become very confused. She’ll wake up in bed one morning, turn over and say, ‘Woah! What are YOU doing here?'”
(Umm . . . I think she’ll manage to get over THAT little “bout of confusion,” JUST FINE! Don’t you?)
Speaking of Paul, Ian complimented his TV brother for, not just knowing Stefan inside-and-out, but also possessing a deep understanding of Damon’s machinations and inner workings. “Paul has just been waiting to jump into Damon’s skin, and shed Stefan’s,” Ian hints. “He genuinely wants to be able to bite someone’s head off.”
Now, I know Ian and Paul both referred to this whole “Body Swap Scenario” in their respective Q&A sessions, more or less, in jest. But, now that I think about it, this actually wouldn’t be a bad plotline . . . provided it was only temporary, of course!
Regarding his favorite scene to film . . .
I was positively THRILLED to hear that Ian’s favorite scene to film on TVD was also one of my own! Of course, I am referring to the fabulous scene in which Damon and soon-to-be vampire Vicki Donovan “frolicked” (his word, not mine) around the Salvatore Mansion in their undies, to the scintillating sound of “Enjoy the Silence.” Though filming the scene was bittersweet for Ian, who adored working with Kayla Ewell (the actress who played Vicki Donovan), and knew that this was the Beginning of the End for her character, he loved the hidden complexities of this deceptively simple moment between two extremely damaged individuals.
“On one hand, you have this fun, funny, and incredibly sexy scene,” Ian explains (though I must admit I am ad-libbing a bit here). “But then, when you think about it, it’s incredibly dark. Vicki is just so broken. And Damon knows what he is about to do to her.”
Regarding biting people . . .
As all TVD fans know, a whole lot of “biting” goes on in this show! What you may not have noticed, however, is how that “biting” has evolved since the pilot episode. According to Ian, the costume department used to provide the actors playing vampires with very short fangs. And, in order for those fangs to be caught on film, the actors had to take really LARGE exaggerated bites out of their victims.
Having to do this take-after-take irked both Ian and Paul to no end (not to mention REALLY hurt their mouths). “Can’t we have longer fangs, so that we can take smaller bites, like normal vampires do?” Ian quipped to the producers of the show.
By Season 2, Ian and Paul had their wish. Their fangs were longer. And their neck bites were . . . more “realistic” looking.
Regarding flashbacks . . .
When asked which time period, he would most like to experience, via Salvatore Brother’s Flashback, Ian suggested the roaring twenties. “I would love to see Damon in a speakeasy, drinking illegal liquor, and sucking on flappers,” Ian noted.
I smell a Boardwalk Empire crossover episode!
Damon Salvatore meet Al Capone.
Regarding the Hillywood Parody . . .
While discussing the much-talked-about Vampire Diaries Parody that has been making its way around the YouTube circuit, Ian noted how impressed he was with the show’s producers’ impressive ability to understand, and be able to convey, the subtle nuances of the show (WAYYY Too-Small-Season 1-Fangs, included). “You could tell they [the Hilly girls] just put so much time and effort into it, and it really paid off,” Ian noted.
As for his favorite scene in the parody? “The part where ‘Katherine’ is stuck in the tomb, and she’s got her face up against the glass,” Ian explained. “That was hilarious.”
Regarding upcoming film roles . . .
Those of you who were hoping to get a glimpse of Ian Somerhalder’s baby blues on the big screen, may have to wait a little while longer. Unfortunately, Ian doesn’t have any movies coming out this year. (Note: No mention was made, during the Q&A, of the film entitled Cradlewood, that remains listed on Ian’s IMDB page.)
“All of us on the show would LOVE to find a great movie that fits into our busy schedule,” Ian noted, a bit wistfully. “But shooting nine months out of the year, and for 15 hours a day, makes it difficult to do that. That’s just the nature of series work.”
As for Ian’s dream film role. “I would love to find a part that is as different from Damon Salvatore as possible. I’m very intrigued by underdogs . . . people who triumph over seemingly insurmountable odds to achieve success. I think everyone can relate to that, in some way,” Ian explains.
(Now, of course, I think Ian would be AMAZING in ANY role he plays. And yet . . . I DO think it MIGHT be a bit difficult for him to land the role of one of those prized Underdog Characters, considering he looks like THIS . . .
But, hey! You never know!
Regarding that Naked Dancing scene from Rules of Attraction . . .
Speaking of movies . . . remember that AWESOME scene in Rules of Attraction, where Ian dances half-naked on a bed in a room at the Ritz Carlton to George Michael’s “Faith?”
“That was actually the most improvized scene EVER,” Ian recalls. I was filming a few scenes with Faye Dunaway (She played Ian’s mother in the film) in a restaurant at the Ritz, when Roger Avary (the director of Rules of Attraction) came up to me and said, ‘You are going to strip naked and dance on a bed.’ I thought he was kidding . . . He wasn’t. So, I’m on this bed, and they are BLASTING . . . Faith . . . and I just start doing it. Then, when it was all over, I walked through the lobby of the Ritz Carlton in my underwear because I could! It was awesome.”
(Man, if only the Ritz Carlton knew he was coming! They could have charged people extra to stay there! I bet they would have made a MINT!))
Regarding beginning a career in acting . . .
Ian in the shortlived television series, “Young Americans.”
When asked by a teen what someone should do, if they are interested in “breaking into The Biz,” Ian suggested that the most important thing that an actor can do is get an education. Once they have a working framework of knowledge, aspiring actors and actresses can get their feet wet, by joining local theater groups, and scouting out local casting offices. “It’s a tough business. Sometimes, it can break you down. But it’s a rewarding career too. And it never gets easier,” Ian explains. “In fact, if you ever think that acting is easy, you are not doing it right.”
Regarding a possible future in politics . . .
So, are we destined to have a President Ian Somerhalder in the years to come? Not, if Ian has anything to say about it. “My Foundation sponsors would KILL me if I ever decided to get into politics. It would make their lives SO much more difficult than they are now,” Ian jokes. “But, seriously, I have no desire to enter the political arena. I know my place in this world. And I feel it is to reach people through my foundation and through sharing my craft.”
Regarding pancakes and civil war reenactments . . .
Did you know that Ian makes AWESOME pancakes?
Or, that he used to do Civil War Reenactments as a kid?
Now, you DO!
Regarding supernatural powers . . .
For the final question of the afternoon, Ian was asked which of Damon’s supernatural vampire powers he would most like to possess. His reply? Compulsion. “With that power, I could make anybody do exactly what I wanted them to do . . . which is a pretty tricky prospect,” Ian conjectured.
And yet, Ian wouldn’t use those powers to do the same Naughty Things most of us would probably use them for . . .
“Well, maybe a little bit,” Ian admits sheepishly.
But, predominately, Ian would use his compulsion powers for GOOD, not evil. “I would want to go to all the political leaders, and heads of state, and stop them from making such terrible choices about the way this country is run,” he insisted.
You see, my fellow Fangbangers, THIS is why Ian Somerhalder — despite being a breathtakingly beautiful, rich and famous actor — is a much better person than I am. Ian TRULY wants to SAVE THE WORLD . . . I just want to see it naked.
Well, that’s all I’ve got for today, folks.
For my next and final bit of Eyecon reporting, I will be covering the Michael Trevino and Steven R. McQueen Q&A session, which also took place on the third day of the convention. See you then!
When you’ve resorted to “ass-slapping,” it’s never a good sign . . .
Ahhhh, dancing. We all do it on occasion. But only a few of us can actually do it well. But, even if you aren’t exactly the “Life of the Dance Party,” perhaps, you can sleep better tonight, knowing that you are not ALONE. In fact, there are many, otherwise, very cool, talented, and debonair television stars out there, who undoubtedly dance just as bad as you do!
Anyone who watched television during the 90’s, undoubtedly remembers The Fresh Prince of Bel Air.
If you ever watched The Fresh Prince, you probably know that, regardless of what an AWFUL dresser he was (see picture above), Will Smith, who played the titular character on the show, was a VERY GOOD DANCER! His cousin, Carlton (played by Alfonso Ribeiro), however? Not so much . . .
Around the same time Carlton was “getting jiggy,” on The Fresh Prince, another, very different, comedy sitcom was also gaining popularity . . .
Seinfeld had always been a show known for its crazy characters, and ridiculous occurrences. Of all the characters on that show, Elaine (played by Julia Louis-Dreyfus) was probably the most “normal.” That is . . . until she stepped out on the dance floor . . .
But that all happened during the 90’s. And we can’t really blame television stars for dancing badly during the 90’s, right? After all, in the 90’s, our idea of “good dancing” was this . . .
So, in order to make YOU feel better about YOUR bad dancing, we need to show you some television stars who dance badly, in this decade!
Josh Holloway, a.k.a. Sawyer from Lost
*Sigh* How I miss Sawyer, let me count the ways. Not only did he have the best body EVER, he was also the quintessential “Bad Boy,” and a closet romantic, who was pretty gosh darn hilarious, to boot. Honestly, who wouldn’t want to get a slightly insulting / highly stereotypical nickname from Sawyer, after joining him a rousing round of Bear Cage Sex?
And yet, Sawyer, as much as I adore you, your dancing skills leave a bit to be desired. Allow me to draw your attention to Bad Dancing Example 1:
And Example 2:
Then again, can you really blame a guy who’ s been stuck on a deserted island with Psychotic Others and Killer Polar Bears for six years for never learning how to “Dougie?”
Ryan Kwanten, a.k.a. Jason Stackhouse from True Blood
Jason Stackhouse’s half-naked body is a sight to behold, FOR SURE! And yet, just because you look good half-naked, doesn’t mean you dance well half-naked too. Then again, perhaps, Jason instinctively understood this. Why else would he be wearing that Creepy Ex-President Mask?
Speaking of True Blood stars . . .
Alexander Skarsgard, a.k.a. Vampire Eric Northman on True Blood
Eric Northman. Now THAT GUY is the epitome of COOL! Not only is his body flawless . . .
. . . but he always seems to know exactly what to say to make the girls’ hearts melt . . .
That being said, I’m not quite sure what exactly he was trying to do here:
Speaking of Super Cool and Sexy Vampires doing ambiguously gay things . . .
Ian Somerhalder, a.k.a. Vampire Damon Salvatore on The Vampire Diaries
If you’ve read this blog before, you already know that I am OBSESSED with Ian Somerhalder, in general, and his character Damon Salvatore, on The Vampire Diaries, specifically. Not only is Damon Salvatore, a Brooding Bad Boy . . .
. . . the Life of the Party . . .
. . . and a Hopeless Romantic . . .
. . . he’s also a FABULOUS DANCER.
So, why, you ask, is HE on this list? Remember what I said earlier about “Half-Naked Dancing,” not necessarily being “Good Dancing?” Well . . .
. . . I rest my case.
In other Bad Dancing Vampire news . . .
David Boreanaz, a.k.a. Angel on Buffy the Vampire Slayer (and Angel), and Booth on Bones
David Boreanaz . . . he’s a pretty cool guy, right? I mean, this is someone who KNOWS how to wear a suit! And yet, he also looks fairly amazing wearing NOTHING AT ALL . . .
Perhaps, we know him best now as the smart, loveable, and adorably snarky Booth on Bones. But, like Ian and Alexander after him, David Boreanaz is no stranger to donning THE FANGS. On both Buffy the Vampire Slayer and its spinoff, Angel, David played the sometimes sweet, sometimes evil “Angel” (although, when he was evil they usually called him “Angelus,” weird right?).
Whether Angel was trying to kiss Buffy, or KILL HER, he always looked like a true gentleman doing it . . . except, of course, when he was dancing . . .
Ummm . . . Booth? Perhaps, you better stick to your Day Job of playing with skeletons. Because I’m guessing Dancing with the Stars is not in your future.
Hey, you know who used to be on Angel with David Boreanaz? Vincent Kartheiser!
What a coincidence! Because he made this list too!
Vincent Kartheiser, a.k.a. Pete Campbell on Mad Men
A lot of people don’t like Pete Campbell on Mad Men. They find him slimy, manipulative, whiny and insecure. Well, they are RIGHT! He’s all of those things!
(Although, in his defense, he’s gotten A LOT kinder and gentler, this past season.)
I, for one, have always LOVED Pete. And a lot of that has to do with Vincent Kartheiser‘s amazing acting ability. I just find him so intriguing, and fascinating to watch. Whenever, he’s on screen, I just can’t keep my EYES OFF OF HIM! Unless, of course, he’s dancing. Then, I have to look away . . .
What the heck are you doing, getting jiggy with Betty White?
I hope you don’t plan on dancing like that at the wedding . . .
Elsewhere in Manhattan . . .
Chace Crawford, a.k.a. Nate Archibald on Gossip Girl
Spotted: A gorgeous rich white boy, teaching us that, just because you were born with a “silver spoon in your mouth,” doesn’t mean your parents ever paid for you to have dance lessons . . .
And, of course, who could forget . . .
John Krasinski, a.k.a. Jim Halpert on The Office
If John Krasinski wasn’t already married to Emily Blunt and if I looked anywhere near as pretty as Emily Blunt, I’d totally marry him. This guy is the WHOLE PACKAGE! He’s smart, sweet, funny, caring, and, perhaps, most importantly, a bit of a goofball. Did I mention that he makes this face ALL THE TIME?
In fact, John Krasinski is almost TOO perfect. I mean, what would I bring to the relationship?
Aha, now I know what I would bring! Two right feet, for his dual left ones . . .
So, you see Fellow Bad Dancers, you are in VERY GOOD COMPANY! There are plenty of successful, attractive, and powerful people, who don’t know there mambos from their cha-chas. Heck, our very own President might be one of them!
But even if your the Worst Dancer in the World, that’s NO EXCUSE not to be dancing! Dancing brings people together. It makes them happy. It gets their hearts racing, in a good way. In short, dancing makes the world go round.
So, don’t worry about looking silly. Just strap on your party shoes, hit the dance floor, and EVERYBODY CUT FOOTLOSE!
(Grrr! Pesky Copyright Requirements 😦 . . . Click on the embedded link, if you want to DANCE THE NIGHT AWAY!)