Step Inside The Secret Circle – A Look at one of the CW’s Most Promising New Fall Series

“Hi!  We are a group of extremely attractive, well-dressed, early twenty-somethings, pretending to be teens.  One of our favorite hobbies is to stare at the camera, in a vaguely angry (but, not too threatening) way.”

I’ll start off by saying that I don’t have the best luck writing these types of posts.  The last new “fall premiere program,” I previewed on my blog, before the pilot aired, was a show called My Generation.  Don’t remember it?  Maybe, that’s because it got CANCELLED AFTER TWO EPISODES!

And yet, given that THIS new program is (1)  is based on popular book series, written by the same author who penned The Vampire Diaries; (2) is being produced by Kevin Williamson, the Big Kahuna behind The Vampire Diaries; (3)  will air on the CW, Thursday nights, directly AFTER The Vampire Diaries, I feel fairly confident that this show will last AT LEAST half a season, if not longer . . .

“I am so insanely beautiful and talented, that merely by standing in close proximity to me, YOU will also appear to be more beautiful and talented.”

So, now that I’ve (hopefully) proven that reading this blog post will not be a TOTAL waste of your time maybe just a partial waste? let’s delve into The Secret Circle, shall we?

The Source

As I mentioned earlier, this upcoming CW series (like the successful Vampire Diaries franchise before it) will be based on a collection of L.J. Smith novels bearing the same name.  The Secret Circle book series was a trilogy comprised of the following novels: (1) The Initiation, (2) The Captive, and (3) The Power.  Both the television and the book series revolve around a girl named Cassie,  who learns that she is a powerful teenage witch, who just so happens to belong to an elite “circle” of OTHER powerful teenage witches.  And yet, if The Secret Circle television series is anything like The Vampire Diaries television series, that’s about where the similarities between the books and the TV show will end . . .

One main difference between the books and television series that already has fans buzzing is the size of the titular Circle, itself.  The book calls for a coven of twelve teens to complete the circle, whereas the show only seems to require six.  Granted, in terms of consistent character development, a twelve-member regular cast can seem a bit overwhelming to some writers . . .

On the other hand, a number of fans question the showrunner’s decision to excise so many potential HOT MALE WARLOCk roles, on a show geared predominately toward young FEMALES.  In terms of teenage male leads, The Secret Circle only has two, for now.  Will a choice between just two dudes be enough to please fangirls, in the long term?  That remains to be seen . . .

The Cast of Characters

Leading lady, Cassie Blake, who undoubtedly will eventually become romantically involved with BOTH male leads (Sound familiar?) . . .

 . . . will be played by Brittany Robertson.   Some of you might remember Brittany as Lux from the recently canceled CW series, Life Unexpected. You also might recognize her as one of the many dead girls in Scream 4.  (Sorry to spoil the movie for you guys!).

Thomas Dekker plays the brooding and soulful, Adam Conant, boyfriend of “Good Witch” Diana Meade, and main love interest of Cassie Blake.  You might remember Thomas as John Connor from the recently canceled Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, or as, one of the many dead guys in The Nightmare on Elm Street remake.  (Am I the only one who is starting to notice a pattern, here?)

Phoebe Tonkin plays the bitchy, power-hungry, Mean Girl / potential “Bad Witch,” Faye Chamberlain.  Aussies might recognize Phoebe as Cleo from the the television series H20: Just Add Water.  She also played Fiona in the film Tomorrow, When the War Began.

Speaking of Aussies, Louis Hunter, who plays the flirtatious and slightly arrogant (but still sexy) Nick Armstrong, is, perhaps, best known for his role as Kyle in the Australian series, Out of the Blue.

Kind-hearted head witch, Diana Meade will be played by Shelley Hennig, who soap opera fans might remember as Stephanie Johnson on Days of Our Lives.

Rounding out the titular Secret Circle as Faye’s Mean Girl Sidekick witch, Melissa Glaser, is Jessica Parker Kennedy, who fans of the CW’s Smallville might remember as comic book villain, Plastique.

Arguably the shows most recognizable cast member, Gale Horold, plays the murderous Thomas Meade.  Television credits for Gale Harold include Hellcats, Queer as Folk, and Desperate Housewives.

And finally . . .

While perhaps best known as a freaky man-killing alien from the movie, Species, Natasha Henstridge, who plays the not quite trustworthy Principal Chamberlain, also had starring roles in television programs, including, Eli Stone and She Spies.

Analyzing the Extended Promo

Now, that you’ve met the cast, it’s time to take a look at the Extended Promo, which I plan to discuss in more detail below.  So, watch and learn, Witches and Warlocks! 

(Note: Due to some SUPER ANNOYING copyright restrictions, it looks like they’ve removed the extended promo for this show from EVERYWHERE it was posted, except for the CW Website, itself.  Nevertheless, if you still want to “watch with ME,” feel free to click on this link, either before, or while, you are viewing the analysis below.)

:00 – “My sweet Cassie, I did not want you to have this life.  But Destiny is not easy to run from.”

“Grrrrrrrr!  ROAD RAGE!”

Poor Cassie!  Apparently, “Destiny” is not easy to drive from, either.  We aren’t 30 seconds into the trailer, and already, Cassie has been driven off the road by some Asshat Driver, got a flat tire, and is about to lose cell phone reception, while stranded in Middle of Nowhere U.S.A..  Of course, judging by what happens to her next, this is probably the BEST part of her night . . .

:30 – “I know how to change a TIRE, MOM!”

Here’s a hint:  Don’t get too attached to Mommy, kids.  Because THIS ONE isn’t going to make it out of the promo alive.  I actually think this might be the first time I’ve ever seen a cast member DIE in the PREVIEW for a pilot episode.  Talk about a SPOILER ALERT!  I mean, that’s gotta be a first, right?  And we all know how much Kevin Williamson likes his BIG BODY COUNTS! 

I’m just wondering why (since Cassie’s mom is supposed to be this Big Powerful Witch) couldn’t she, I don’t know,  cast a spell to prevent her from . . . BEING BURNED ALIVE IN HER OWN HOME?  Weird . . .

:45 – [Insert sound of burning flesh here.]

We are just under the one-minute mark, when we get our first look at the EEEVIIL Thomas Meade, as he bakes Cassie’s mom for dinner.  I found the whole scene pretty shocking, the first time I saw it.  On a Non-Dead Mom note, notice how the Four Elements come into play in this scene.  Witch shows always tend to be big on the whole Four Elements thing, “earth, air, fire, water” and all that.  Notice how, the Evil One drops a bottle of water on the floor to trigger the burst pipe in Cassie’s kitchen, and lights the matches to trigger the fatal gas leak. 

Also, Dude’s got some SERIOUSLY FREAKY EYES!  Are we sure he’s not a vampire?

*sniffs*  “Do you smell something burning?”

1:04 – “Cassie.”

“I think I may have left the oven light on.”

Cassie’s mom .  . . DEAD .  . . in under two minutes.  Impressive.  You know what else I found impressive?  The fact that this good-hearted Mommy’s final thoughts were of her daughter’s soon-to-be orphan status.  (No word on “Daddy” yet.   I’m thinking there’s some sort of Big Backstory there.)  That sure was nice of Mommy to think so selflessly of her kid, while her body was getting barbecued. 

Because you know what MY final thought would have been, if I was in her position?  I suspect it would be something like, “Hmmm . . .  I wonder how painful it is to be burned alive in your own home.  I’m going to guess excruciatingly painful.  Time to test out this theory.” 

Then again, perhaps, it would be something a bit less eloquent, like, for example, “F*&K, I’M GOING TO DIE! AHHHHHHHHHH!”

1:15 – “Welcome to Chance Harbor.”

I noticed that, in the books, the town where the story takes place is called New Salem.  I’m kind of glad they changed it.   Because that would be a bit TOO MUCH Cheesy Witch Symbolism, don’t you think?  And yet, I can’t help but notice all the OBVIOUS parallels between THIS sleepy town, and TVD’s Mystic Falls. 

I mean, think about it, you’ve got the whole Small Town Hiding a Big Supernatural Secret thing . . . the Founding Families thing . .  . even the whole Old Diaries and Letters from the Past Inform the Present thing.  Plus, I’m willing to bet there’s only One Bar / Social Establishment HERE too!

“Been there, drunk that.”

1:25 – “Cassie!  I’m really glad you’re here.”  But I’m not glad that my kid died of some Weird Witchcraft Accident . . . because that would be, you know, inappropriate.”

 “This is the part where my eyes glow bright red, and I snap your neck.  Oh . . . wait . . . wrong show.  Sorry!”

Hmmm . . . Grandma looks pretty young to have a grandchild in her late teens, doesn’t she?  Come to think of it, most of the “parents” on this show, appear to be a bit young looking.  Maybe being a witch comes with anti-aging powers, or something?

I have to say, I’m already worried about Grandma’s fate on this show.  After all, we all know full well that the statistics regarding Grandmas surviving supernatural dramas are not exactly in her favor.  Just ask Sookie’s Granny on True Blood . . .

 . . . or Bonnie’s grandma on The Vampire Diaries .

Oh wait, you can’t ask them . . . because they are both DEAD!

1:35 – “And she will soon discover that her arrival will bring the Town’s Dark Secret to light.”

“If I see anything I haven’t seen before, I’ll throw a dollar at it.”

I love how when the voiceover teased that the Town had “Dark Secrets,” they chose to show us an image of Open-Shirted Nick, of all things . . .

Hot?  Yes.  Damon Salvatore-caliber hot?  No.

So, is that supposed to be the town’s Big Dark Secret, that hot guys hang out in windows with their shirts open?  Still, the fact that this six-minute preview featured BOTH a death, and a half-naked hot man, I find VERY promising . . .

1:37 –

And . . . here we are at Chance Harbor High.  So, do you think Cassie will actually GO TO SCHOOL on this show, or will she be a TOTAL derelict, like Elena Gilbert?

“Hey!  I resent that remark.  I am a VERY good student.  I attend EVERY school dance!”

1:40 – “We are happy to have you here, Cassie.  I’m Principal Chamberlain.  Your mother was  . . . very special to me.  And by “special” I mean I wanted to use my magical powers to turn her into a slug.“

I once saw the woman pictured above in a movie, where she enticed a man to have sex with her, seconds before MORPHING INTO A SERIOUSLY UGLY ALIEN LIFEFORM, AND IMPALING HIS HEAD WITH HER SNAKE-LIKE TONGUE!  So, yeah, I don’t care how pretty Principal Chamberlain is, or how nice of a smile she has . . . I don’t trust her!

1:46 – “Have you seen her yet?”

“Did I SEE her?  I did a little striptease for her in front of my bedroom window.  She is now pregnant with my children.  Magical Powers ROCK!”

Well, HELLO LOVE TRIANGLE!  The romantic aspects of this tale COULD prove to be particularly interesting, considering that both of Cassie’s suitors are, at this time, technically “taken” by other members of the Secret Circle.  I’m eager to see how this plays out in the show’s first season.  However, beyond that, I already feel like, if this show wants to last, it’s going to need MORE hot male blood infused in it, and FAST!

1:53 – “She’s meeting a new Circle of Friends.”

Was it just me?  Or did this scene IMMEDIATELY make you think of the movie Mean Girls?  Phoebe Tonkin was ABSOLUTELY channeling Regina George, when she pulled that little locker trick.  Is it any wonder that her sidekick, Melissa, played Plastique in Smallville?  Get it . . . Plastique?  As in . . . The Plastics?

2:02 – “I saw you in school today.  How was your first day?”

*brood, smoulder, smirk, brood, smoulder, smirk*

Adam, i.e. Love Interest Number 1, is clearly angling for the “Dark yet Sensitive Type.”  How original!  It could work though.  So, far, I’m kind of seeing him as a cross between Stefan Salvatore and Jeremy Gilbert.  Anybody else getting those vibes from him?

2:20 – “With her here, we have REAL POWER now!”

 

And so the power to control the Circle begins between the “Good Witch” and the “Bad Witch.”  For the sake of the show, I’m hoping things are a bit more complicated than that.  Otherwise, the dichotomy will get real old, real fast.  I’m definitely liking Faye, as the edgy, yet vulnerable, villainess on the show, however.  She shows real promise . . .

2:33 – “How did the fire go out?”

Only YOU can prevent witchcraft-induced car fires . . .

It’s interesting that Faye, in trying to make Cassie recognize her supernatural abilities, chose, of all things, a Car Fire, especially considering that a Witchy Fire just so happened to be what killed the poor girl’s MOTHER.  And just like I wondered why Cassie’s mom, who KNEW she was a witch, didn’t use her powers to put out the fire, Faye seems to be wondering the same thing about Cassie.

As for the whole Rescue Thing . . .

. . .  did the writers REALLY expect us not to think about Twilight, here.  I know, I know, the book series on which this show is based came out LONG before Twilight did.  But those books also came out before a lot of the future fans of this show were BORN!

For better or worse, Twilight is what we remember NOW.  So, how could the creators of this show not see the quiet brooding supernatural creature, putting out the fire with his “powers,” and rescuing the damsel in distress from the flames, and not immediately think of Edward and Bella?  Just sayin’.

Oh, and Cassie TOTALLY screams like a girl! 🙂

3:09 – “Cassie, wait!  I think I can help.”

Umm . . . yeah, because THAT place isn’t creepy, AT ALL!  It kind of looks like the house at the end of the Blair Witch Project.  *shudders*

We are now half-way through the trailer.  And FINALLY, Cassie gets introduced to the titular “Secret Circle.”  It’s about damn time!

3:32 – “Oh, for god sakes, SPIT IT OUT!  You’re a witch.  You are a full-blooded, 100% witch.  We ALL ARE.”

Haha!  Well, thank you, FAYE!  I always hate when books and television shows take about 35 minutes to come clean about something you already figured out from reading the book jacket or watching the trailer.  At least ONE of the characters on this show has enough sense to call the REST of the characters out on their B.S.  3.5 minutes in, and Faye is already, by far, my favorite character on this show.

3:45 – “Each family has a book.  A book that lays out each family line.”

Ahh, yes the Obligatory Ancient Book wherein you can find the Convenient Cure Alls for all your Plot Problems!  You can’t have a  supernatural series without one!  Speaking of TVD-parallels, as I mentioned earlier, I also found the “six families” concept, to be very “Founding Families-esque. 

Oh, and for those of you who have ever seen the film The Craft, Melissa’s speech, about the Circle only being able to do “lame” spells, until Cassie came along, ABSOLUTELY reminds me of a similar comment made in that film.

 

4:03 – “We can’t let it happen AGAIN.”

Oh, Silly Naive Granny!  Don’t ask the Evil Alien Lady questions like that!  Have I mentioned yet how worried I already am about the fate of this character?

4:17 – “It was covered up.  Something went wrong.  People got hurt.   So, they abolished witchcraft.”

The way they ordered the images in this particular 10-second sequence definitely made it seem as though Thomas Meade killed Cassie’s mom, so that she would be forced to return to Chance Harbor, and complete the “Circle.”  The question is “Why?”  What sort of spell does he want them to cast?

4:28 – “With Cassie here, our powers are magnified ten times over.”

Uh oh!  SOMEONE made it rain, but didn’t remember to bring her umbrella.  Not too swift.

The next sequence features a few images of Faye being “bad ass” with her “rain-making” powers.   I don’t know why they always do crap with the weather in these witch shows.  If I had witchy powers, I’d make myself a millionaire, who looked like a model, and force all hot male celebrities to fall instantly in love with me.  It’s called “creativity” witches.  It’s time you got some .  .  . And I mean that in more ways than one . . . 

We also see that Cassie’s Return has spurred an already restless Faye to more vigorously challenge Diana’s position of power within the Circle.  The problem is, with only six members, being the “leader” of the Circle doesn’t really seem like that big of a deal.  This is definitely a situation where having more “coven” members would have bolstered the plot.

4:45 – “My dear, sweet Cassie.  You finding this means I am gone, and for that I am so sorry.”

Speaking of cliches in supernatural stories . . . here comes the Mandatory, Mildly Touching, Plot Explanation Letter from an Important Dead Person in the Protagonist’s Life  . . . YAY!

4:57 – “It’s incredible.”

Oh, Hell to the NO!  Not another, Romantic Use of Magic Moment!  Where have I seen THIS before?

Oh, that’s right . . . EVERYWHERE!  And, then we have the Almost Kiss . . .

Now, THAT is what I call an appropriate use of your powers, Adam . . . the power to get into your not-girlfriend’s panties.  Well played, Stud . . . at least, until she LEFT YOUR ASS in the forest!

5:15 – “Bad things happen, when you mess with fate.”

And even WORSE things happen, when you mess with Evil-Eyed Thomas Meade, Random Guy!

5:29 – “I was a good friend of your mother’s (and by ‘good friend’ I mean ‘murderer’).”

I LOVE the twist that Evil Thomas Meade is actually GOOD WITCH Diana Meade’s DAD!  I genuinely didn’t see that one coming.  Except, I REALLY don’t think this guy is old enough to have an 17 or 18 year old daughter, do you?  Like I said . . . Witch Fountain of Youth. 

5:37 – “You did the right thing bringing her here.  She has the gift.”

A-HA!  I knew the Alien Principal and Evil-Eyed Meade were in CAHOOTS!  (Just so you know, “cahoots” is my new favorite word.  Except to see it a lot on this blog in the future . . . )

5:40 –

Awww, Nick is writing Cassie grammatically incorrect love letters from his window!  Next thing you know, he will be connecting two soup cans together, with pipe cleaners, and trying to use it as a cell phone.  Speaking of cell phones, doesn’t NICK have one?  I mean, he can’t CALL Cassie, and ASK her if she’s OK?  Talk about LAZY!

5:47 – “I don’t have to do a thing.  The Circle will take care of that without even knowing it.”

[Insert Evil Laugh Here]

OK.  So, how manyof you were actually fooled into thinking that Principal Chamberlain was a “nice lady?”  Yeah, I didn’t think so . . .

5:56 –  “Believe in the power of the Circle . . . You have incredible Power.  People will come for it.  They will come for YOU.”

“Make it stop.”  (My sentiments exactly, Cassie.  This trailer needs to STOP, before you spoil the entire first season . . . or, at least, the first episode.)

And so, we come to the point in our script, where Cassie finally embraces who she is, and uses her powers to stop that Freak Rainstorm that Faye made, earlier in the trailer.  Should we be happy, that Cassie is doing what Fate has seemingly intended for her to do?  Or do we fear that she is playing right into the hands of the Evil Adults? 

I guess you will have to WATCH this Fall to find out . . .

And there you have it, an extended preview of this falls new “hot” supernatural drama, The Secret Circle . . .

So, what did you think?  Will you stay tuned to the CW after TVD, and try this one out, for a “spell?”  Or do you plan to vanquish this series from your memory, forever?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Battle of the Bad Boy Vampires: Damon Salvatore (The Vampire Diaries) versus Eric Northman (True Blood)

Those of you who know me and/or have read this blog before, probably suspected that the time would come when I would write a post that pit my two favorite television vampires (both of whom are based on characters fromnovels) against one another . . .

But WAIT!  Before you stake me, or snap my neck like a twig, please know that this is REALLY not a competition, in the traditional sense of the term.  I merely aim to illustrate some similarities between these two extremely unique and dynamic fangsters . . .

(But, before I begin, I’d like to give a shout out to the Always Brilliant Amy, over at imaginarymen, who remains the reigning queen and founder of the TV Boyfriend Olympics.  Without her, this post would never have been written.  Additional thanks go out to the Fabulous Cherie, over at myspideysenseistingling, and the Remarkable Madeleine, both of whom have a depth of vampiric fangirl capacity that knows no bounds.)

Above all else, Viking Vampire, Eric Northman, and Fangy Rebel Without a Cause, Damon Salvatore, are both EXTREMELY SEXY!  In fact, they are unequivocally sexy, no matter what they happen to be doing, at any given moment.  Whether they are . . .

 .  . . preparing for war . . .

 . . . or lounging around in bed . . .

. . . or driving around in hot super expensive sports cars, with the top down . . .

 . . . or having a little “snack” . . .

 . . . or forgetting how to button their shirts . . .

 . . . or getting dressed up for a night on the town . . .

 . . . or breaking in their new leather jackets . . .

. . . or wearing certain BLUE PANTY DROPPER articles of clothing 😉 . . .

 . . . rest assured these immortal beings are going to be looking hot, while they are doing it.

And yet, being an INSANELY AWESOME Television Vampires isn’t just about looking good.  (That’s most of it . . . of course . . . but not all of it. ;)) To be truly insanely awesome, you’ve also got to have the personality to match the looks.    And for both Eric and Damon, a fun and snarky sense of humor functions as the perfect accessory to any item of clothing (or, no clothing at all, for that matter)!

Behold . . . the funny .  . .

(Don’t worry!  I’m not playing favorites, by using a longer video for Eric than for Damon.  I just take them, as I find them!)

So, now we’ve got a handle on their looks, and their respective senses of humor.  But if you want to learn what REALLY make Damon Salvatore and Eric Northman tick, you’ve really got to watch them in action.  What follows is a comparison study of fourteen (seven a piece) arguably similar Damon and Eric scenes from their respective shows .  . .

(Note: For clips that are non-embedded, just click the internal links for your viewing pleasure!)

Let’s BITE into it, shall we?

Romantic Manipulation

In the REAL WORLD, when you look like Ian Somerhalder or Alexander Skarsgard, NO fancy hypnotic magic, or blood bonds are necessary to ensure romance.  When you want to get laid . . . all you’ve got to do is ASK!  But in TV Land, virtually EVERYONE is beautiful, and girls can be (no offense to Elena and Sookie) kind of dense, sometimes.  For this reason, both of our Bad Boy Vamps, at least initially, used vampire magic to add a little OOMPH to their respective courtship rituals .  . . with varying results.

First up is Damon, and his attempt to mesmerize Elena — the number one object of his affections — to make out with him.  The “mesmerizing” part seems to work . . . (She’s not BLIND, after all!).  But the “making out” part . . . well . . . not so much.  Because what Damon doesn’t know is that Elena is wearing a vervain necklace, which makes her impervious to vampire mind control.  He gets an “A” for effort, though!

Eric Northman had slightly better luck with Sookie, when he tricked her into drinking his blood, thereby establishing a Blood Bond between the pair.  As a result of the Blood Bond, Sookie will have uncontrolled sexual dreams about Eric (I have those ALL THE TIME!).  He will also always be able to sense her feelings (like, when she’s horny, for example ;)), and instinctively know when she’s in danger (so he can rescue her).  Well played, Viking Vamp!

 

Dream Walking (a.k.a. Inception – Vampire Style)

So, by now, we’ve all probably seen, or at least heard about the film, Inception, and its erudite discussions about one’s ability to manipulate the dreams of another. 

In TVD world, vampires are capable of controlling other’s dreams, Inception style, as Damon does in this next clip.  (Hint: We know it was Damon making Elena’s dream, based on his creepy crow mascot hanging out by her bedroom window, near the end of the scene.  By the way, I’m SO GLAD the writers nixed that lame plot device!)

In True Blood, sexual vampire dreams tend to stem from the blood bonds between human and vampire.  Never do the writers of True Blood ever explicitly mention dream manipulation.  And yet, in this next clip, Sookie clearly KNOWS that she’s dreaming, and Eric does appear to be purposefully using the dream to send her an important message.  This particular dream scene may also give you a little sense of deja vu, when you watch a similar REAL LIFE (well . . . real TV life . . . at least) scene that takes place between the two characters, later on in this post.

(Note:  This is actually just one of THREE dreams Sookie has about Eric, and it’s not even the HOTTEST one.  I simply chose it to make a point about Damon and Eric both using Dream Manipulation Tactics on Sookie and Elena.  You can watch Sookie’s other dreams about Eric here.)

 

Murder By Seduction

Of course, Damon and Eric would never WILLINGLY hurt the women they love.  But they don’t seem to mind hurting others all that much . . .

In this next clip, Damon lures the unsuspecting Vicki Donovan into his lair, plies her with liquor, sexy dancing, and promises of genuine understanding and affection.  And then . . . well . . . I’ll just let you watch, and see for yourselves.

Though Damon’s motives for “murdering” Vicki Donovan were never made entirely clear, during the series, one suspects they had something to do with Damon wanting to wreak havoc on his little brother’s life.  (Damon promised to make Stefan’s life an unliving hell, after the latter coerced him into becoming a vampire, seemingly against his will).  Damon eventually “revived” Vicki from death, by turning her into a vampire, shortly after initially killing her.  Ironically enough, it was at the hands of STEFAN that Vicki met her True Death.

This picture SHOULDN’T be funny . . .  but it kind of is!

Likewise, Eric seduces and ultimately murders Vampire Talbot, to wreak havoc on Vampire King Russell Edgington’s life.  Eric seeks vengeance against Russell, for murdering his parents, centuries ago.  You see, Talbot is Russell’s “soulmate.”  Though, as you will clearly see in the next clip, vampires and monogamy don’t exactly mix . . .

(Note:  This clip is DIRTY with a capital “D.”  Parental discretion is advised, KIDDIES!  Don’t say I didn’t warn you!)

 

Hot Bod Taunting

“When you’ve got it, flaunt it!”  These are words to live by . . . even if you’re undead!  And Damon and Eric have NO qualms about displaying their “wares” to the women they love, in order to show them EXACTLY what they are missing . . .

In this next scene, Damon might be drunk, but he’s NO dummy!  He knows that, once Elena gets close enough to him to button up his strategically opened shirt, she will get a peek at those abs, a whiff of that vampire man musk, and be his forever.  Even if she doesn’t know it yet . . .

As for Eric, he takes Hot Bod Taunting to a whole other level!  Unlike Damon, who tactfully alludes to the fact that he’s a Lion in the Sack, Eric wears his HOURS and HOURS of nonstop Sexual Conquesting like a badge of honor . . . one located right below his belly button . . .

 

Vulnerability Due to Loss of “Maker”

Damon may be head over heels in love with Elena now, but for about 140 years, he loved her doppelganger Katherine, the woman who initially turned him into a vampire.  Damon loved Katherine so much, in fact that he risked everything to “rescue” her from the tomb in which he thought she was buried undead.  So, when the tomb was opened, and Katherine was still nowhere to be found, Damon was heartbroken.  It was the first time in the series, where we really saw this tough-as-nails vampire break down emotionally.  And when he needed a shoulder to cry on, Elena’s was the first one he sought . . .

Unlike Damon, Eric may have never done the horizontal mambo with his maker, Godric (at least, not that we know of).  But he did love him, in the way that a father loves his son.  And when Godric “met the sun” (i.e. committed suicide by burning to death) Eric felt completely lost.  For the first time in the series, the Viking Vamp cried tears of blood.  Eric was inconsolate over the True Death of Godric.  Without Sookie there to support him, who knows what self-destructive acts he might have committed?

Romantic Gestures with BITE!

Who said bloodsuckers couldn’t be romantic?  Let’s face it! When guys have been on this earth for as long as Damon and Eric have been, they KNOW when they are in love.  And they are NOT afraid to show it.

In the episode Rose, Damon has just rescued Elena from an Evil Old Vampire who kidnapped her.  He also retrieved from said Evil Old Vampire her precious vervain necklace, which protects her from vampiric compulsion.  When Damon visits to Elena’s home to return the necklace, he decides that this is the perfect moment to let Elena know exactly how he feels about her. 

Sounds simple, right?  It isn’t . . . Because Damon knows better than anyone, that True Love sometimes requires us to make the most painful of sacrifices.

Eric Northman knows a thing or two about sacrifices, himself!  After all, he’s willing to DIE the True Death, in order to rid the world of the PURE EVIL that is Russell Edgington.   When you are about to die, the things that are most important to you, suddenly become crystal clear.  And nothing else matters. 

Remember when I showed you that Dream Scene between Sookie and Eric?  Well . . . IT’S BACK . . . for real, this time!

Rescuing the Woman He Loves . . . For Her OWN GOOD . . . Whether She Wants It Or NOT!

As a member of the fairer sex, I can admit, that us ladies can be pretty stubborn when we want to be — especially when we feel strong enough about something, that we are willing to fight to the death for it.  And while, most of the time, we are ABSOLUTELY right . . . there are sometimes (very rarely, of course ;)) when we are wrong.  Enter the Hot Vampires with Hero Complexes to rescue us . . . even if they have to drag us away, kicking and screaming, in order to do it . . .

In this next clip, Elena has set off on a Suicide Mission.  She plans to turn herself over to an EVIL HOMICIDAL VAMPIRE, in order to save the lives of the people she loves.  But Damon loves HER . . . and he’s not having it . . . AT ALL!

Like Elena Gilbert, Sookie Stackhouse always seems to be throwing herself into harms way.  But she doesn’t have to go far from home to find trouble.  It usually just knocks on the door, and comes right in!  In this particular instance, Sookie is unwittingly being stalked by some Killer Werewolves.  It’s a good thing her Friendly Neighborhood Vampire  is available to help her in her time of need (even if she would rather talk about Boring Vampire Beeeel, than do important things . . . like NOT GET EATEN)!

So, there you have it: seven situations and fourteen sexy scenes to compare and contrast.  Not bad, for a pair of undead bloodsuckers, right?

[www.juliekushner.com]

Where the Falls Meets the Creek: Damon and Elena versus Pacey and Joey

Through these long winter hiatus months, since I can’t watch TV, I tend to spend A LOT of time talking about it.  Recently, one television-related conversation, in particular, has been cropping up among my friends on a fairly regular basis.  Not surprisingly, the conversation involves my two FAVORITE shows of all time: The Vampire Diaries and Dawson’s Creek, and my two FAVORITE TV Couples of all time, Damon and Elena and Pacey and Joey.  Coincidentally, both of these aforementioned shows, and ALL FOUR of the aforementioned characters, were produced and penned by THIS GUY . . .

Basically, what my pals and I have been discussing ad nauseum of late, are the many ways in which Damon’s and Elena’s relationship in The Vampire Diaries seems to be following the same trajectory as Pacey’s and Joey’s relationship followed in Dawson’s Creek.  (Truth be told, we are all kind of hoping this means that both stories will have the SAME conclusion.  *hint, hint, wink, wink*)

 And so, to commemorate the many conversations that have characterized my TV-less month,  I’ve decided to put all of our collective thoughts on this topic down on paper screen.  But before I do so, special thanks must be paid to three very special folks, in particular, who helped make this post happen. (So, if you absolutely hate it . . . BLAME THEM! ;)).  A big hug goes out to the Always Brilliant Amy, who once wrote a post similar to this, and who never fails to catch my random Dawson’s references, whenever they pop up in daily conversation (which is quite often); the Always Awesome Cherie who analyzes TV couples like nobody’s business; and Madeleine, who’s insightful comment to one of my posts caused me to go on a tirade that ended up being the genesis for the post you are reading now.

Howdy, Fellow Fangirls!

So, without further adieu, I bring to you . . . “Where the Falls Meets the Creek” . . .

Elena and Joey – Because Everyone Loves a Spunky Orphan!

Both Elena and Joey grew up in small towns that were rich in tradition, and characterized by WAY TOO MANY community gatherings.  At relatively early ages, both girls were orphaned, due to tragic circumstances (OK . . . that was kind of redundant.  Extra points to anyone who can come up with a not “tragic circumstance” that results in someone becoming an orphan).  As a result of said orphan status, both Elena and Joey were raised (at least through their teenage years) by not particularly maternal (useless) 20-something female family members, who, though “nice people,” would much rather be boinking their current Flavor of the Month Boyfriend than raising a teenage girl . . .

As a result of said parentage (or lack thereof), both Elena and Joey became mature beyond their years, highly self-sufficient, spunky, and a bit moody.  Speaking of said moodiness, neither girl is averse to sporting a Poopy PussFace, when things aren’t going her way . . .

 

Damon and Pacey – Because Black Sheeps have never been so SEXY (or so much fun)!

Both Damon and Pacey are “Bad Boys” in their own right.  Though admittedly, Damon’s murderous bloodsucking ways FAR edge out, Pacey’s “bad grades and back talking” in the naughty department. 

Pacey . . . being a “Bad Ass”

Damon and Pacey were both Black Sheep in their respective families.  Their parents were constantly comparing them to their fairer haired, more well-behaved counterparts.  For Damon, that meant being expected to measure up to his brother, Stefan . . .

For Pacey, it was his over-achieving best friend, Dawson . . .

Rather than brood and sulk about these unfair comparisons, Damon and Pacey combatted them with snarkiness, sarcasm, charm, good senses of humor, and matching general “Ughhhh .  . . who cares?” attitudes toward life.

The Love Triangles

When both The Vampire Diaries and Dawson’s Creek first began, both Damon and Pacey had to take a romantic “backseat” to the fair-haired boys to which they were always compared, when it came to the female objects of their respective desires.  Elena started dating Stefan, around the second episode of The Vampire Diaries . . .

 . . . and though Joey and Dawson didn’t actually become a “couple” until the Season 1 Finale of Dawson’s Creek, it was clear, throughout most of the early episodes, that these two had it bad for one another . . .

 

From Frenemies to Friends (with some SERIOUS SEXUAL TENSION en route)

Though the Blonde Boys had Elena’s and Joey’s hearts, early on in their respective series, the Brooding Brunettes seemed to take up a LOT OF THEIR sexual energy.  Elena and Joey each expressed some pretty passionate feelings of anger toward Damon and Pacey, during the first few episodes of their shows.  As for Damon and Pacey  . . . well . . . they were just acting like HORN DOGS, plain and simple!  And yet, it’s possible that our Bad Boys suspected even then, that their time for romance was just around the corner.  After all, as Vampire Katherine says, “Hate . . . That sounds like the beginning of a love story.  Not the end of one.”

Eventually, Our Boys’ persistence paid off, and they both became friends with their Dreamgirls . . .

 

They’re Bringing Sexy Back

Now, friendships are great and all, but they don’t keep you warm at night.  Our Boys have NEEDS!  So, while Damon and Pacey waited for Elena and Joey to come to their senses, they engaged in sexy times with others.  First, they each hopped into bed with an “Older” Woman.  For Pacey, it was his English Teacher Miss Jacobs.  For Damon, it was his former fling, that OLD AS HECK Vampire, Katherine, who, you guessed it, bore a startling resemblance to Elena . . .

But when those sexual relationships fizzled, it was time to move on to the “Friends with Benefits.”

Both Damon and Pacey were “lucky” enough to find female friends with punky haircuts, who were willing to offer them No Frills Sex, while they both waited for the girls they REALLY wanted.  For Damon it was the ALSO OLD AS HECK, Vampire Rose, for Pacey, it was gal pal, Jen Lindley . . .

I Get By With a Little Dancing Help from my Hot Friends . . .

Though they may have been “getting jiggy” with other girls, Elena and Joey were never far from Damon’s and Pacey’s minds.  And when both females needed a dancing partner in a pinch, each male suitor was right there, and waiting to boogy.  For Joey, she needed Pacey’s dancing feet to help her land a ballroom dancing-related college scholarship.  And though they both had two left feet, the chemistry between the pair on the dance floor, was simply undeniable . . .

As for Damon, he stepped in as Elena’s dance partner, during the Miss Mystic Falls pageant, while Stefan was off on a bloodaholic rampage . . .

Cue the Sexy Mating Dance . . . 

On the dance floor, a technically flawless Damon and Elena circled one another, like a pair of very dignified wild animals in heat.  And the highly sexualized way in which they looked at one another, was enough to melt your TV screen . . .

Given the pair’s mad dancing skills, it’s really a wonder Elena didn’t actually win the Miss Mystic Falls competition.  Then again, losing the competition put Elena in good company.  After all, a certain Miss Josephine Potter ALSO garnered the second place spot in HER race for the Miss Capeside crown . . .

 

Don’t MESS with the GIRLFRIEND of a Brooding Bad Boy!

When Damon and Pacey weren’t sweeping Elena and Joey off their respective feet, they were kicking the crap out of others, to defend their honor.  When some D-bag bully had the NERVE to deface Joey’s high school mural, Pacey THREW HIM OVER A CAR!

(This video may look long.  But, fortunately, the fight scene is right at the beginning.  So, enjoy!)

As for Damon, he was even willing to beat up a GIRL to defend Elena’s honor!  It’s just kind of strange that the GIRL ended up being Elena’s biological mother, and someone with whom he used to do the horizontal mambo . . .

“I love you so much, even the drool on your pillow is sexy!”

Beating the crap out of people to defend your lover’s honor can be tiring.  But do Damon and Pacey just get under their covers, and go to sleep when the fighting’s all over?  HECK NO!  Instead, they simply sit back, relax, and let Elena and Joey do all the sleeping for them . . .

Bad Boys Drink Their Feelings . . .

Despite all the sleep-watching, ass-whooping, and screwing Damon and Pacey do, in hopes of forgetting their respective heartaches, sometimes the pain of unrequited love STILL gets to be too much.  And when that happens, Damon and Pacey do what ANY self-respecting Bad Boy would do, in such a situation:  They get sh*t-faced, and self-destructively pour their hearts out to the women they love . . .

(Normally, I’d include Damon’s drunken confessional here too.  However, as you’ll see in a bit, Damon’s drunk speech to Elena is SO INTENSE that it belongs in another category entirely . . .)

“If at first you don’t succeed, Face Rape again  . . .”

Damon and Pacey are both highly romantic creatures, who KNOW unequivocally, when they are in love.  For romantic sexual beings like these, it’s incredibly hard to cope, when the object of your affection OBVIOUSLY feels the same way you do, but is blind to her feelings of love, due to circumstances beyond your control.  When such situations occur, Brooding Bad Boys like Damon and Pacey take the bull by the horns, and confront the women they love, with a strong and forceful kiss on the lips, thereby FORCING the females to take stock in their own feelings.  And yet, there’s a Right and a Wrong way to do such things. 

Hint:  Drunk and Self-Destructive Damon (see description above) did it the WRONG WAY . . .

But my Main Man Pacey . . . well . . . he’s got Sexy Face Rape down to science!

You GO BOY!

True Love Requires Patience and Self-Sacrifice

Now sober, a contemplative Damon decides to once again, let Elena know how he feels about her.  However, in contrast to the selfish Take-No-Prisoners Face Rape we witnessed earlier, this time, Damon’s second declaration is all about patience and self-sacrifice.  Wrongly Convinced that Elena is better off with Stefan, Damon speaks to Elena in a manner that is completely and heartbreakingly selfless.  After all, not only does our lovestruck vampire tell Elena that, even though he loves her, he shouldn’t be with her, for her own good, he also MAKES HER FORGET what he has said, so that she is not faced with making a choice that he feels may ultimately put her in danger . . .

Pacey’s second declaration of love for Joey is also more gentle than his first, and similarly tinged with self-sacrifice.  Rather than going in for a second Face Rape, Pacey actually gives Joey ten seconds to stop the kiss, if she decides that she does not return his affections (well . . . not really . . . but at least he tried).

“I have to protect her.  No matter what the cost”

Lest we forget how all this got started, I call your attention to Season 3, Episode 1 of Dawson’s Creek, during which Dawson, who has just rebuffed Joey’s sexual advances for some ridiculously moronic reason that I don’t recall, asks Pacey to “look out for her”  on his behalf.  Pacey, being the loyal friend that he is and not nearly as big of a Mental Midget as Dawson “reluctantly” agrees to the request . . .

Later, in that same episode, Pacey and Joey share an exchange that we now know marked the beginning of their official courtship . . .

By the way, you know who else, aside from me, is a HUGE Dawson’s Creek fan?  Vampire Katherine.

This is probably why warning bells went off in HER head for Stefan, when he made THIS bonehead (but brilliant, as far as Delena fans are concerned) move at the end of Season 2, Episode 11 of The Vampire Diaries . . .

If Dawson’s Creek is any indication, Delena fans will one day look back at Stefan’s request as the genesis for more or THIS . . .

and this . . .

 . . . which will, hopefully, eventually lead to some of THIS . . .

 . . . and THIS . . .

 . . . and EVENTUALLY THIS . . .

(Only THIS time, Elena will be on the bottom, NOT Katherine ;))

Sorry Boys!  One thing we’ve all learned about history, is that it’s doomed to repeat itself . . . And one thing we’ve learned about True Love . . .

 . . . is that it conquers all!

Well, that’s all I’ve got.  See you on the flipside, my fellow Delena and PJ fans!

[www.juliekushner.com]

Anatomy of a Trailer: Scream 4 (Contains Possible Spoilers)

I can’t believe it’s been 14 years since the first Scream movie came out in theaters!  It seems like only yesterday that I was sneaking into the movie theater to see it on opening night, having sneakily purchased tickets to some more “family friendly fare.”

That’s right!  Just like, I suspect, many of you, I wasn’t yet 17 when the first Scream came out in theaters . . .

(You know, I’ll never, for the life of me, understand why horror films, like this one, scrabble for the “Hard R” rating, when probably more than half of their movie viewing population has to be dropped off at the theater by their parents, because they don’t have their drivers licenses yet.  I mean, I get that it’s supposed to be this big “Status Symbol” to be “Rated R,” as a horror film.  Yet, all that Big Bad Letter really does is end up getting a lot of Movie Ticket Takers fired, for not properly ID-ing their patrons.)

“I swear, boss.  He totally looked 17 to me!”

But I digress.  There I was, underage, hanging with a bunch of my friends, and viewing Scream for the first time.  I remember when the movie started, seeing Drew Barrymore on the screen  (who was kind of a “big deal” at the time), and kind of rolling my eyes a bit.  “They aren’t going to kill Drew!”  I whispered to whoever was sitting next to me.  “Her face is on the movie poster.  And her name is one of ‘top billed.'”

 

And then they gutted her like a fish, in the first five minutes . . .

I was HORRIFIED . . . but, at the same time, very impressed.  I knew, right then, that I was witnessing the start of something pretty amazing.  As far as “horror movie cliches” were concerned, all bets were off!  We were all going to be in for quite a ride . . .

I saw the next two films in the trilogy on their opening nights as well.  And while neither had quite the shock value of the first installment  (The minute Jada Pinkett Smith walked into that movie theater at the beginning of Scream 2, I knew not to get too attached to her character . . .

 . . . ditto for Buffy the Vampire Slayer . . .)

 . . . I still found both films to be enjoyable, witty, and surprisingly well-written.

So, I was intrigued, when I started hearing buzz around the internet that the first film of a new Scream trilogy would be “stabbing” its way into theaters in 2011.  Like the first film, Scream 4 will be penned by Kevin Williamson (writer of none other than my current FAVORITE television show, The Vampire Diaries) . . .

 . . . and directed by, that denizen of horror himself, Wes Craven. 

As the poster for the film suggests, the new tagline for Scream 4 is “New Decade, New Rules.”  At this year’s Scream Awards, Wes Craven promised us a movie for  the “next generation” of horror fans.  Here, the same, now- tired, old rules, won’t necessarily apply.  You know what that means, don’t you?  Oh yeah . . . the Ghostface Killer is TOTALLY iPhone-ready.

“Psycho Serial Killer?  There’s an app for that!”

Sure, Scream 4 may be ready for the “next generation of horror movie fans,” but, the question remains, is it ready for us?   After all, in this new culture, of leaked scripts, pirated films, screencapped trailers, and endless film analysis on message boards and blogs, it is REALLY hard to keep a secret, and even harder to genuinely surprise fans.  Because, now, not only are horror movie goers more savvy, as Craven, himself suggested, they are also more well-informed.

For example, we NOW know that when an actress boasts a “cameo” in a horror film, and her character doesn’t have a “name” on the movie’s IMDB page , we can probably expect her to show up in one scene, die a quick but gruesome death, and never be seen again . . .

Usually a lover of all things spoilery, I personally found myself a bit disappointed when, after merely viewing the film’s teaser trailer and perusing the message boards, I already pieced together what will probably be the opening murder sequence (including the “fakeout” that will likely come with it). 

And . . . well . . . why don’t I let you watch for yourself . . .

Now that’s a trailer chocked full of spoilery information, if I’ve ever seen one! 

I’m just going to share a few screencaps with you that I found particularly instructive.  However, you can find ALL the screencaps for this trailer here.  (Special thanks to CNE20, who was kind enough to post these!)

Oh, and for all you Spoilerphobes out there, this would be a good time to STOP READING!

:12 “Welcome home, Sydney!  You’re a survivor, aren’t you, Sydney?  What good is it being a survivor, if everyone around you is DEAD!”

Yes, boys and girls, Scream queen, Neve Campbell (now 37), will be reprising her role as the much-abused Sydney Prescott.  After all this poor woman has been through, you would think she would FINALLY suck it up, and cancel her landline.  Cell phones, Sydney!  They are all the rage these days . . . not to mention that having them makes it much easier to RUN AWAY from the Psycho Serial Killer who always seems to be INSIDE YOUR HOUSE!

:18 – “All you can do is WATCH!”

Anna Paquin (Soookeh! of  True Blood) and Kristen Bell (Veronica Mars) have both publicly admitted to having “cameos” in this film.  (We all know what THAT means!)  Many “experts” have posited that the first “murder” of the film, will not be a “real” murder, but actually a scene from the fictional Scream-like series, Stab (featured prominently in Scream 2 and 3), which Anna’s and Kristen’s characters will be watching at home on DVD.  These same experts suggest that Anna and Kristen, like Drew Barrymore and Jada Pinkett Smith, before them, will be the new film’s first REAL victims.  This scene here, which features Anna, turning off a DVD, while a frightened Kristen looks on, would seem to suggest as much . . .

:19 – “Ahhhhhhhh!”

Golly gee!  For two girls credited as having “cameos” in the film, Lucy Hale (Pretty Little Liars) and Shenae Grimes (90210) sure got a lot of face time in the teaser trailer!  Many suspect that this is because these two will be stars of the Stab installment that Anna and Kristen are watching, in the film’s opening scene. 

(Note to Kevin Williamson:  It is not too late to CHANGE THIS!  In fact, if this is the actual concept for the opening sequence, and you want to REALLY shock fans, as you have done consistently in the past, you probably SHOULD!)

:21 – “Modern fans have become savvy to the rules of the originals.  I mean, there are still rules, but the rules have changed.”

OMG, Rory Culkin!  My, have you grown!  (I bet you’re taller than Macauley Culkin now . . . and Kieran Culkin, for that matter.)  It looks as though Rory will be inhabiting the “Horror Film Geek”  role, previously inhabited by Jamie Kennedy (who played “Randy Meeks”), in the first two films.

:50 – “Go ahead, if you have the guts!”

This highly controversial, and much discussed, screencap features Courtney Cox, seemingly about to get gutted by the Ghostface Killer.  Could the makers of this trailer be brave enough (or stupid enough, depending on how you look at it) to forecast the death of Gale Weathers –one of the three MAIN CHARACTERS from the original trilogy — so early in the film’s promotional campaign?  (Or will someone come to to her rescue, at the last minute, as is usually the case in these type of movie situations?)

:54 – “Well, it’s time for someone new to die.”

Here’s Rory Culkin again, along with Hayden Panettiere and Marielle Jaffe.  These three will likely function as the “Scooby Gang” to lead player, Emma Robert’s “Jill.”  Hayden will be playing Kirby Reed, “Jill’s” best friend.  The “best friend” moniker should keep her safe for at least the first half of the film.

Marielle will be playing “Olivia,” who, based on this  scene alone, looks and sounds like kind of a b*tch.  Since b*tches never fare particularly well in this genre, I’m guessing “Olivia” will be a goner, fairly early on . . .

:58 – “These aren’t just random killings.”

David Arquette (who I am liking SO MUCH LESS NOW, especially after his ridiculous drunken T.M.I. rant on Howard Stern) will be reprising his role as Deputy Dewey.  Also donning the dorky Rent-A-Cop uniform in this film, will be the adorable Adam Brody . . .

(Seth Cohen is a cop?)

 . . . and the very cuddly, Anthony Anderson . . .

1:00 – iPhone product placement alert!

I said it before, but it bears repeating.  Between the killer videotaping his murders, and the cast members running around with iPhones, it does seem that new technologies will play a major role in the new trilogy.

1:01 –  Emma Roberts alert!

Although she looks like she’s in a pretty tough spot right now, I’m thinking that Emma Roberts, who has been tauted by producers as “the NEW Sydney Prescott” (she plays Sydney’s cousin, in the film), will probably be around for a while.  In other words, if you happen to be watching the film, and really have to pee, the scenes where “Jill” is in “peril” are the best time to go . . .  At least, this way, you won’t risk missing a “cool death scene.”

1:16 – “I hear you like horror movies.”

              “It’s for you.”

I know I showed these two already.  However, this line was the only one in the trailer that actually made me giggle out loud.   It also seemed a bit cheesy, by Scream standards.  This only supports my hypothesis that all scenes featuring Shenae and Lucy are meant to come from the fictional Stab series.  Of course, I could be wrong . . . (I still kind of hope I am.)

Scream 4 scares into theaters April 15, 2011.  Will YOU see it?

[www.juliekushner.com]

“Hi, Mom!” – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Kill or Be Killed”

“Sheriff Liz Forbes, you just found out your daughter is a vampire, what are you going to do now?”

“Ummm, go underground, and wait for my brainwashing?”

This week on The Vampire Diaries . . .  an “Origins” story was told . . .

 . . . vampires unwittingly found themselves thrown “out of the closet,”

 . . . a mother/ daughter relationship was put to the test . . . and failed miserably;

 . . . a BRAND NEW BROMANCE was born;

Do you hear that?  That’s the sound of half-a-million gay male TVD fans simultaneously typing up Jyler Slash Fanfiction . . .

 . . . and “The Game” was irrecovably changed.

Let’s take a look back at how it all went down, shall we?

“Oh my GOD, you killed JIMMY (wait . . . who’s Jimmy, again)?”

The episode begins with a flashback to a year prior.  The location is Some Random Town, Florida.  Despite the distinct locale, Mason is drinking at a bar that looks suspiciously similar to the Only Bar / Social  Establishment in Mystic Falls (because the same set was used?).  He settles his tab, and stumbles out into the night. 

Some Drunk Loser named “Jimmy” follows him outside.  “Jimmy” looks kind of like that Carrot Top guy.

“Jimmy” immediately attacks Mason, even though Mason repeatedly claims that the two are “friends.”  But Jimmy doesn’t care that Mason is his “friend.”  He just keeps babbling on about Mason being with Jimmy’s girlfriend, some chick named “Marla.”  Mason vehemently denies this.   In fact, upon hearing the suggestion that he and  “Marla” have been having Sexy Wolfy Times together, Mason makes a face like this . . .

Because of this, even though we never get to see “Marla,” I sort of imagined the woman as Marla Hooch from that old movie, A League of Her Own.

a.k.a. Carrot Top’s Jimmy’s sultry GF

Mason begins warning “Jimmy” to back off, or else “very bad things” will happen to him.

“You’re making me angry.  You wouldn’t like me, when I’m angry.”

But Jimmy doesn’t back down.  It’s almost as though some “unseen force” has compelled him not to back down.

History repeating?

Eventually, Mason loses it, and pushes Jimmy to the ground . . . HARD.

Nice knowing ya, Carrot Top Jimmy.

Back in the present day, Mason is explaining to Tyler how Jimmy’s death activated the Lockwood Curse for him.  “Any death caused by your hand will activate the curse,” he restates.

Now, every Full Moon, Mason has to get naked . . .

. . . and chain himself to something HARD (kinky!), or else, he will KILL EVERYTHING IN HIS PATH.

It was a very powerful scene between Uncle and Nephew.  But you know what would have made it even more powerful?  If the exchange was made while the boys were out jogging shirtless . . .

Just a suggestion for next time, Kevin Williamson . . .

Anyway, always a big fan of the quid pro quo, Mason takes this opportunity to inquire after his Family Jewels . . .

And yet, since Tyler still has information he wants from Mason (such as why Mason’s Family Jewels are so very small so important to him), Tyler decides to continue to manhandle the Jewels by himself, for a while longer.  Therefore, he once again, lies to Mason about their whereabouts.

Speaking of Big Fat Liars . . .

“The Truth” is for pussies!

Stefan and Elena are still carrying on their “We’re Going to Pretend to Break Up, So Katherine Doesn’t Eat One of Us” Ruse from last week.  Elena, of the “I only believe in PDA when it will make the boy I pretend to hate, but secretly Luuuuuuuuuuuuve, really jealous” School of Dating . . .

It’s OK, Elena.  Daddy LIKES to watch!

. . . starts pouting about how very, very hard it will be for her, not to be able to smother Stefan with kisses, and grab his tight firm ass, every second of the day.

To appease his whiny girlfriend, Stefan comes up with a code they could use to communicate with eachother, during their public Fake Breakup.  “When I say, ‘I can’t do this, anymore,’ what I really mean is ‘I love you.'”

Oh, that boy is GOOD.

“And when I say, ‘Fine, Whatever,’ it really means ‘I love you too,”’ offers Elena.

OK, I’m sorry, Elena, but that was LAME!  First of all, Stefan already knows you love him almost as much as you love Damon.  Couldn’t you at least have rewarded him by making your code into Dirty Talk?  (Example: “Fine, Whatever” = I would very much like to suck your big vampiric &$#@!”)

Oh, and while we are on the subject, who the heck “breaks up” with someone, by using the words “Fine, Whatever?”

“Ummmm . . . hi, Elena?  This is 1995 calling.  We would like our ‘Fine, Whatever’ back  . . .”

Meanwhile, somewhere across town, Caroline . . .

. . . is trying to convince her absentee Mom, that the reason that she has been moody lately, is because she is “on the rag,” and not because she now occasionally snacks on nurses, ex-boyfriends, and random guys she meets at the school carnival.

Speaking of the aforementioned school carnival, this week’s Town-Related Event-Designed-to-Put-All-the-Main-Characters-in-the-Same-Place-at-the Same-Time is “Volunteer Day.”

(Is it just me, or do these “events” get lamer, every week?  I mean, at least the Founder’s Day stuff was cool.  But cleaning a park?  Seriously?  What’s next, “Take Your Werewolf to Work Day?”)

Do I at least get a free t-shirt?

Adventures in Homoeroticism – Part 1

“I just can’t do this anymore, Mason.”

“Fine, whatever, Stefan . . . Let’s f&*k!”

Did you notice how VERY touchy feely our Sexy TVD boys were this week?  And did you also notice that this “touchy feely-ness” seemed to peak when they were in scenes TOGETHER, and WITHOUT GIRLS.  Here’s our first example of the evening . . .

Stefan gets up close and personal with Mason at Town-Related Event-Designed-to-Put-All-the-Main-Characters-in-the-Same-Place-at-the Same-Time Volunteer Day.  He tells Mason that he is the “nicer brother,” and, as such, he would like to apologize on his “less nice brother’s” behalf for that whole “trying to murder him” thing.

“Oh, come on!  Don’t try to tell me you didn’t enjoy it.”

But Mason is not interested in Stefan’s half-assed apology, nor does he care to come to any sort of “truce” with the Salvatore brothers.  “I made that same offer to your brother, last week.  And he turned it down,” counters Mason.  “Tell your brother to watch his back.”

“Oh no you didn’t, just threaten my Insanely Gorgeous Older Brother, and expect that would be OK with me!”

Mason doesn’t know it yet, but his careless words have acted as an unspoken invitation for Dark Stefan to come out and play . . .

“Heeeeeeeeereeee’s Stefffy!”

Stefan ever so subtly begins to invade Mason’s personal space, so that the pair’s faces are almost touching.  “Well, I guess you will have to wait until a Full Moon then.  Otherwise, you are not as strong, or you would have already killed Damon,” Stefan suggests, venom pouring from his pink puckery lips.

“There’s only one of you . . .

ONE

. . . but there are TWO of us . . .

TWO

. . .  maybe YOU’RE the one who needs to watch his back.”

The now SCHOOLED, Mason, having been promised by Steffy that Damon would stay away from him, reluctantly shook Dark Stefan’s hand and skulked back into the forest, his wolfish tale between his legs.

Then Damon magically appears . . .

Ever the expert at Personal Space Invasion . . .

 . . . Damon wastes no time getting all up in Stefan’s grill about the conversation he just overheard . . .

“Dark Stefan, may I have this dance?”

“I don’t wannnnnnt peeeeeaaaace!”  Damon whines petulantly.

“Well, then consider it Opposite Day,” Stefan retorts.

“Do you really think a handshake will make this all go away?”  Damon asks incredulously

“No, I think he is going to try to kill you and me.  Like we don’t have enough problems, already.  So, thanks!”  Stefan replies smartly.

“Oh, you’re very welcome!  Cheers!”

Adventures in Homoeroticism – Part 2

Tired of being left out of all of his sister’s PowWows of Sexiness and Plot Explanation, and unceremoniously rejected from the Salvatore Detective Agency, Jeremy decides to take matters into his own hands.  Elena has already told him that Mason Lockwood is a werewolf, but nobody seems to know yet whether Tyler is one as well.

This sounds like a job for Mini Gilbert!

At the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Jeremy casually wrangles his way into a sort of / kind of double date at the Lockwood Mansion, along with Tyler, Slutty Amy, and New Girl, Slutty Sarah (played by Majara Walsh) . . .

At the Lockwood Mansion, Slutty Sarah and Slutty Amy dance drunkenly to songs from The Vampire Diaries Soundtrack (specifically, Obsession, by Sky Ferriera – GREAT SONG, by the way), while Tyler and Jeremy give eachother longing looks across the room. 

“Hmmm . . . I wonder if Jeremy has an Endzone Dance as cool as mine.”

Then, Jeremy accidentally / on purpose exposes his drawings of werewolves to the slutty group.  The girls think the pictures are “icky,” but Tyler takes the bait.  Steam coming out of his ass ears, Tyler excuses himself, and drags Jeremy into a nearby room, where he pushes him up against a wall and makes passionate love to him tries to strangle him.

Poor Jeremy, always in peril . . . kind of like Dawn on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

“GET OUT!  GET OUT!  GET OUT!”

“I know what you are,” gasps Jeremy.

Tyler eventually chills out, and the pair share a heart-to-heart, during which the Not-Yet-Werewolf relays to Jeremy, the ENTIRE Mason Lockwood Storyline, as it has unfolded thus far.

“Woo hoo!  *sings*  I know something Elena doesn’t know!  I know something Elena doesn’t know!”

Unfortunately, while Tyler and Jeremy are busy fondling Mason’s Family Jewels together . . .

. . .  Slutty Amy and Slutty Sarah pop in, and decide that they want to fondle Mason’s Family Jewels too.  In fact, Slutty Sarah would very much like to fondle Mason’s Family Jewels with Jeremy in Tyler’s bedroom.  But Jeremy is not down with that. 

So, Tyler, always up for everyone Sloppy Seconds, chases Slutty Sarah up the staircase and grabs for Mason’s Jewels.  The sudden movement catches Slutty Sarah off guard and she FALLS DOWN THE STEPS!

Is she DEAD?  Will Tyler become a werewolf now?

Unfortunately (Oh, come on!  Don’t get all self-righteous with me.  Slutty Sarah was REALLY annoying!), the answers to both of those questions are a resounding “No.”  Slutty Sarah gets up after a few moments without so much as a scratch on her. 

OK . . . how many of you want to bet that SHE’S not human, EITHER! 

(Is anyone human on this show, anymore?   If they tell me Elena is a Fairy next week, I will be SO PISSED!)

“Hey!  I resemble that remark!”

Never Trust Little Girls Bearing Lemonade . . .

“Sure!  NOW you tell me!”

While Stefan and Elena are having their silly fake fight (which nobody, except maybe Caroline, believe for a second) . . .

“Grrrr!  I’m so mad right now that I could just EAT YOU!”

. . . Mason is busy trying to convince Sheriff Forbes, or “Liz” as everyone was suddenly calling her today, that her good ole buddy Damon Salvatore was a real undead bloodsucker.

Just a minor little quibble here.  If Damon was able to hear EVERYBODY ELSE’S conversations during this episode, why couldn’t he hear THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE?

Mason eventually promises to prove to “Liz” once and for all Damon’s “true colors” (red and black, of course).

Damon first starts to get suspicious when he kindly tries to help Liz with her inability to relate to her daughter, and Liz, more or less, blows him off.

“Is this because I stopped following you on Twitter?”

But the Poo REALLY hits the fan when a suspiciously cute little girl offers Damon  . . . LEMONADE . . . and he DRINKS IT!

Oh, the horror!

Apparently, Mason and Liz had laced the glass with vervain.  The nefarious pair watches as Damon clutches his chest and falls to the ground  — his loyal brother Stefan at his side, helping him to his feet.  Once Damon comes back to himself, he is PISSED!

“I am PISSED!”

Stefan tries to calm down Damon as he rages against that D-bag Mason.  “I’m gonna kill him,” Big Bro seethes.

Stefan .  . . agrees.

“Well HELLO, Dark Stefan!  I didn’t expect to see YOU back so soon!”

“I don’t like it.  He is making threats, and we need to put him down,” says Dark Stefan in his best Tony Soprano voice.

The two corner Mason in the woods, and are about to jump his ass, when shots ring out.  Both Damon and Stefan fall to the ground, each SHOT MULTIPLE TIMES IN THE CHEST!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

It was all a RUSE!  The Salvatore Brothers were set up by Wolfy Mason and Evil Liz, and shot with bullets of wood and vervain!

Fortunately, for the boys, Caroline, who is “comforting” Elena about her “break up,” gets suspicious when she sees her mother rushing into the forest, and uses her Super Vampire Hearing to track the vampires to that slave quarters / dungeon Mason had tied himself up in a few weeks back.

“Hey, when we’re done doing this whole ‘Save Your Boyfriends’ thing . . . I just heard there’s a big sale at the Gap.  Wanna go?”

Liz starts peppering a half conscious Damon and a completely unconscious Stefan (yeah . . . because talking to sleeping people is TOTALLY an affective interrogation tactic) about the vampires of Mystic Falls.  When the Sleepyheads don’t answer, Evil Liz and her Police Boy Minion decide to stake their asses.

Outside, Elena and Caroline are arguing.  You see, Caroline has just TOTALLY kicked that Weenie Mason’s ASS, like the HBIC champ she NOW is . . .

 So, Elena figures it’s high time both girls enter the dungeon, guns blazing, to save Elena’s boyfriends a.k.a. Caroline’s Punching Bag and Fellow Bunny Hunter, respectively.  When Caroline refuses to enter the dungeon, out of fear of being exposed as a vamp to her mother, Elena rushes in alone.

Unfortunately, when it comes to Heroic Rescue, mere human Elena is sort of a D-student, so it’s up to Caroline to bail her out.

Within about two seconds, Vamp Caroline has taken a big lethal bite out of Police Boy, and cheerily offered a polite “Hi Mom,” to Evil Liz.

“What’s wrong?  Do I have something in my teeth?”

Cut to a very weak Stefan chowing down on Peter Rabbit . . .

 . . . while Damon finishes off Caroline’s Police Boy . . .

Is it wrong that I find this photograph incredibly erotic?

Caroline then begs her mother to keep her little vampire secret, when Damon refuses, Caroline warns her, “he’ll kill you.”

“So kill me,” Evil Liz says sadly.

Ever the gentleman, Damon moves to oblige his lady, grabbing her by her neck like a rag doll, and pushing her up against the wall.  Everyone screams.  However, they needn’t be so worried.  “Relax, you’re my friend,” says Damon, gently placing Evil Liz back on the floor.

Something tells me that Damon’s definition of “friend” is a bit more expansive than mine . . .

“Did you get some bunny in you?” Caroline sweetly inquires of Stefan, as the Scooby Gang leave the dungeon.

“Yes, I am feeling much better now, thanks,” says Stefan with a smile.

How cute are these two?

After setting Evil Liz up with high thread count sheets, and letting her call in sick to work, Damon tells Liz that she will stay down there for three days until the vervain leaves her system, and then he will compel her to forget that all of this has happened.  Before leaving, Damon sweetly tells Evil Liz that she should be nicer to her vampire daughter.  “My daughter is gone,” says the Wicked Witch.

“You have no idea how wrong you are about that, she’s going to outlive your ass for centuries” Damon concludes.

Now we have seen Damon’s humanity in his self-sacrificing dealings with, not just Elena and Stefan, but also with Caroline and Liz.  His most recent kindness does not go unnoticed by Elena . . .

MOMMY LIKE!

Sometimes Bunnies Just Don’t Cut It . . .

“My Precious!”

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elena catches Stefan ogling those telltale hospital blood bags that made him go all CRAZZZZZY last season, as if they are nudie magazines.  When Elena looks at him with her trademark judgy eyes, Stefan tells her how Katherine built up a tolerance to vervain, by ingesting a little bit each day.  He believes he can do the same thing with blood.

“I almost died tonight.  This is the only thing that will make me strong enough to defeat Katherine.  If I can’t change, I can’t protect you,” explains Stefan.

“Vampire with an addictive personality, say WHAT?”

Elena storms off, just as she did with Stefan during their fake fight, only this time, the fight is REAL.

Upstairs at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elena finds a Sad Caroline, who is afraid to go home, because Katherine is waiting for her to rat out Stefan and Elena.

Caroline confesses that Katherine threatened Matt’s life . . .

. . . and that’s when she decided to do Katherine’s bidding.  “I’m really scared of her,” says Caroline.

“You should be,” says Elena, except she doesn’t know exactly why.

Damon arrives home as Elena is heading out.

“Caroline is sleeping on the coach,” Elena whispers to Damon.

“And you?”  He inquires.

“I’m sleeping in your bed going home,” she replies, a bit wistfully, in my opinion.

“What you did for Caroline’s mom,” Elena adds.  “That was the Damon that was my friend.”

WOO HOO!  Delena Fans?  It is SO ON!

Since Elena has shared this VERY IMPORTANT piece of information with Damon (not to mention, gave him a nice eye f&*king for good measure), the Elder Salvatore brother decides to respond in kind.  “Stefan didn’t drink the People Blood.  But he NEEDS to.  And, deep down, you know that,” he concludes.

Elena ponders Damon’s GORGEOUS EYES and big . .  . ahem . . . heart words for a moment, before returning to Stefan.  “I don’t want you to do this alone,” she says to her loving bloodsucker.

After receiving confirmation that he will be able to control himself, upon imbibing just a few drops of human blood per day, Elena gallantly offers Stefan her wrist.  He sucks from it.  It is SUPER HOT!

“It’s you and me, Stefan .  . . always until the writers decide it’s Damon’s turn,” whispers Elena, as her eyes roll back in her head in ecstacy from all that licking and sucking.

In Other News . . .

“Mason can have his Family Jewels.  I still have a Big Stick, and NO ONE is taking that away from me except for maybe Jeremy, if he really wants it.”

Back at Lockwood Mansion, Tyler’s experience almost killing Slutty Sarah has given him a whole new outlook on the Werewolf Curse.  He wants no part of it.  And so, Tyler finally decides to give Mason his Family Jewels.

“Yee haw!  I finally got my balls Moonstone back!”

After rubbing his jewels a bit, Mason decides he’d prefer if someone else rubbed for him, and so he gets into a car with . . . KATHERINE!

“Why do I feel like I’m watching the last five minutes of The Usual Suspects all over again?”

A brief flashback confirms, more or less, that Katherine courted Mason a year back, knowing of the Lockwood curse.  She then, most likely, compelled Jimmy . . .

 . . . to think that Mason cheated with Marla . . .

 . . . and attack him.  It was KATHERINE who wanted the Moonstone all along.  The question is “WHY?”

As the episode concludes, we see Mason and Katherine screwing like bunnies . . .

Not those bunnies . . .

 . . . thus proving that Nina Dobrev is the LUCKIEST ACTRESS IN THE WORLD!  Seriously!  How would you like to get paid somewhere in the neighborhood of 30K an episode to make out with Ian Somerhalder . . .

Paul Wesley . . .

 . . . and Taylor Kinney . . .

Ummm . . . Nina . . . if you ever get tired of this gig, you know who to call! 😉

[www.juliekushner.com]

Loved Me Once? Shame on YOU! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries “Memory Lane”

“Tell me something, Katherine!  What products do you use on your skin?  I’m going to tell Elena get them.  Because you, my dear, don’t look a day over 150.”

He is a Vampire with a Heart of Gold . . . and some SERIOUS rage issues . . .

Welcome back tight Hoodie of Hedonism.  We sure have missed you!

She is a Vampire with a Heart of Coal, with a serious aversion to wearing sensible shoes .  . .

“Flats?  Who the hell wears flats?  I don’t even know what those ARE!”

As a couple, they enjoy past-times such as: staking one another . . .

. . . playing dress-up . . .

. . .  invading eachother’s personal space . . .

 . . . lying / manipulation . . .

. . . and, most importantly, hard core S & M . . .

In short, they are just like YOU and YOUR boyfriend!

So, while the promos for this episode tauted it as being the hour that, once and for all, pitted Katherine against Elena . . .

. . . I would prefer to refer to it as the episode that created TEAM KEFAN!

So, without further adieu, let’s take a nice stroll down “Memory Lane.”

“A Dream is a Wish your heart makes . . .”

The Year is 1864.  It is the night of the Founders’ Day Ball, which is being celebrated in the Lockwood Mansion.  Katherine has chosen Stefan to be her escort to the Ball, over Damon, because Little Salvatore is “the better dancer.” 

(That should have been your FIRST clue that this was a Dream Sequence.  Stefan?  The better dancer?   Need I remind you of a little episode I like to call “Miss Mystic Falls?”

 . . . Oh, and let’s not forget about this . . .

Sorry, Stefan!  I love you.  But you are NEVER going to beat your brother in Dancing with the Vampire Stars.)

So, anyway, Stefan and Katherine are at the Founders’ Day Ball, engaging in some serious eye f*cking, when Stefan begins to express some concern for his “poor older brother,” who has been faced with the ignominious fate of going to the Ball STAG!

But WAIT!  Damon isn’t alone, after all.  SOMEONE is there with him.

It’s Elena!

And she’s RIDICULOUSLY under-dressed for a ball . . .

Unlike Katherine, Elena is not in the mood to dance.  In fact, she would much rather play with Damon’s balls . . .

 . . . his pool balls that is!

“It hurts, doesn’t it?”  Katherine inquires, pointing the smoochy couple out to a very Broody Stefan.  “Don’t fight it.  You’ve loved me once.  You will love me again.”

Stefan awakens with a start — his “girlfriend” nuzzled into his chest, still fast asleep.  She stirs.  “What’s wrong, Stefan?” She inquires sleepily.

Stefan tries to ease himself back to sleep, but something is still bugging him.  And that “something” has nothing to do with his Bad Dream.  Stefan dashes across the bedroom, and looks in horror at the girl with whom he was sharing a sleepy cuddle, just moments before. 

“I am getting better and better at this.   It is EASY to get in your head,” says . . . wait for it . . . VAMPIRE KATHERINE!

 Dammit!  I knew I shouldn’t have drank that Easter Bunny before bed.  Those cotton tails ALWAYS cloud my judgment!

Stefan tries to scare Katherine away with threats.  But this is NOT a girl who scares easily.  “We both know I could rip you to shreds, and do my nails at the same time,” the Vampiress remarks casually, examining her well-groomed, but old fogey, fingers, for affect.

Painted with the blood of high school girls who tried to date my ex boyfriend . . .

Unnerved, Stefan insists that Katherine tell him the REAL reason she has returned to Mystic Falls.  But Katherine can do better than just ONE reason.  “I came back for three reasons, Stefan.  You, you, and you,” she replies.

Ummmm, Katherine?  Not to be nitpicky here.  But . . . isn’t that just the same reason, three times?

“I love you.  You love me.  We’re an effed up family.”

The Power of Peach Cobbler

“Elena Gilbert, I am going to bring baked goods to your house.   And there is absolutely NOTHING you can do about it!”

Over at Mystic Falls’ ONLY bar / social establishment, Elena is “studying,” when Damon magically appears . . .

Because this is Episode 4, and we haven’t had a Shirtless Salvatore scene since Episode 1, let’s just pretend Damon showed up at the bar looking like THIS . . .

“So this is where you spend your time, when you aren’t busy stabbing people in the back,” offers Damon, conversationally.

Elena, ever the stickler for proper, dictionary-approved, insults, quibbles with Damon’s terminology.  “I tricked you into telling the truth.  That is not the same as stabbing you in the back.  That’s using your own tactics against you.”

“Well, EXCUUUUUUUUSE MEEEE!”

“I thought I made myself clear that I want nothing to do with you,” sneers Elena.

“OK.  See you at Useless Aunt Jenna’s barbecue!”  Damon sing-songs.

That’s right, Elena!  When Damon Salvatore isn’t getting laid, he becomes very Sherlock Holmes-y.   So, this  is ALL YOUR FAULT!  Apparently, Damon had casually suggested to Alaric that he and his new Useless Girlfriend, Aunt Jenna . . .

 . . .  hold a barbecue at Jenna’s house, and invite all of Jenna’s old high school friends.  However, Useless as Aunt Jenna is, she only actually had one friend in high school (well . . . two . . . really . . . but that Logan guy is dead, so . . .).  Of course, I’m talking about THIS GUY . . .

Geez!  The boys sure didn’t look like that in MY high school!

Contrary to what Alaric might have been led to believe, Damon’s reason behind suggesting the barbecue, had nothing to do with getting back into Aunt Jenna’s good graces, by using peach cobbler . . .

Rather, it had EVERYTHING to do with getting into Elena’s pants “silvering” Mason Lockwood — thereby exposing him as the “Wolf in Stud’s Clothing” he really is!

Meanwhile, back at the Lockwood Mansion, Mason is still refusing to tell Tyler how the “werewolf curse” is activated . . .

Curse?  That looks more like a BLESSING to me!

. . . and Tyler is still hiding Mason’s “family jewels.”

Somehow I always imagined Mason’s “jewel” being . . . bigger.  Didn’t you?

Raising the stakes . . .

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Stefan and Katherine are still engaged in an intense game of Slap the Salami Cat and Mouse.  Katherine, who is clearly the Houseguest from Hell, has already made herself at home, reading Stefan’s diary, drinking Damon’s blood, and fondling the Salvatore Brothers’ personal belongings.  In her reading, Katherine couldn’t help but notice that the Salvatore Detective Agency had recently encountered werewolves in Mystic Falls.  “What do you know about werewolves?”  Stefan inquires, defensively.

“I know enough not to pet one,” jokes Katherine.

“Awwww!  You’re a sweet puppy, aren’t you?  Yes you are!  Yes you are . . . Hey . . . Owwwwww!  I needed that arm!”

Through a series of flashbacks, Vampire Katherine explains Mystic Falls’ long history with werewolves — specifically, the role the Lockwood Werewolves had in the destruction of the Hidey Hole Vamps back in 1864.  Coincidentally, it was the Lockwood Werewolves who “outed” the Mystic Falls vampires, in order to cover up their own messy lupine-esque murders.  The werewolves in question were led by, pillar of the community, and Civil War veteran, George Lockwood (played by the INSANELY sexy, Simon Miller).

But before Katherine will reveal any more information about George and the werewolves, she has some questions for Stefan.  “Why did you keep this picture?”  She inquires, holding up the very same grainy photo that so TOTALLY creeped out Elena, the first time she and Stefan “did the deed.”

“You didn’t come back for, Elena.  You came back here to fall in love with me all over again, didn’t you?”  Katherine coos.

Stefan moves toward her slowly, as TVD fans collectively hold their breaths.  He then runs his hand across her cheek, and looks deeply into her eyes.  “What is it about you  . . . that makes me still care?”  Stefan whispers.

The two start making out hard core!

And it is HOT, with a capital “H”.  But you know what’s hotter?  When he STAKES HER ASS!

And, as if all of this wasn’t kinky enough?   Stefan then chains Katherine up in his basement.  He then angrily knocks over a chair, and tosses it across the room, as he rushes toward her — growling and groaning, just inches from her face, while he torturously tickles her with vervain plants.

“I am so turned on right now.  You have NO IDEA!”

As Stefan tries to get to the heart of the REAL reason behind Katherine’s return, Katherine continues to fill in the blanks from that fateful night in 1864, when (1) the Salvatore Brothers were turned vamps; (2) the Hidey Hole Vampires first were entombed, and (3) Katherine escaped Mystic Falls.  According to Katherine, she had struck a deal with George the Werewolf Lockwood.  Katherine gave up all of her vampire friends and family, in exchange for safe passage out of Mystic Falls on the night of the raid.  She also gave George the same precious moonstone that Mason has been so intent on getting from Tyler this Season.

You know what that means, don’t you?  Remember that whole Big Brave Effort the Salvatore Brothers made to rescue Vampire Katherine from the clutches of the evil townspeople?  You know, the one that resulted in their DEATHS at the hands of their own FATHER, as well as their subsequent rebirths, as a result of Stefan EATING THEIR FATHER?

Yeah, that was all a TOTAL WASTE OF TIME!

But here’s the kicker . . .  lies and manipulations aside, Katherine and Stefan (those two crazy old fogeys), really did seem to be in love, back in the day!

Stefan was definitely NOT under compulsion, when he first told Katherine that he loved her, on the night of the Founders’ Day Ball.  “I’ve never met a woman quite like you.  You are an angel.  (Katherine?  An ANGEL?  HAHAHAHA) When I touch your skin my body ignites.  I kiss you, and I know that I am falling in love.”

(Sappy . . . but sweet.  Who knew our Little Stefan was so poetic?  Then again, Dude does keep a DIARY!)

“Hey!  There is nothing wrong with a sexy man who’s in touch with his feminine side!”

And I’ll be darned if our Evil Vampiress didn’t look like quite the smitten kitten, while a 1864 Stefan deftly pawed at her face.

In fact, Katherine was so shocked by the extent of her feelings, that she blew off Damon’s advances later that night — going as far as to COMPEL him to LEAVE HER ALONE!

Who does THAT to boys that look like THIS?

“Seriously?”

Oh, and when the towns people were about to burn her ass to a crisp, if she didn’t leave town IMMEDIATELY, you know what Katherine did?  She WENT BACK .  . .

 . . . and fondled / made out with Stefan’s CORPSE, telling it that they would one day be “together again.”

Yes!  I know it was a hot corpse!  But COME ON people!  A hot Dead Guy is still a Dead Guy!

Question: If a Dead Girl makes out with a Corpse, would she be considered a Necrophiliac, or just an Equal Opportunist?

I’m not trying to be judgmental Katherine.  Every girl has a “type.”  Yours just happen to be ancient, sleep in coffins and be maggot-infested.  Different strokes, for different folks, I guess.  PLEASE don’t eat me . . .

Lamest Barbecue EVER!

Useless Aunt Jenna?  Can we talk?  You just had a barbecue at your house with THREE HOT MEN — two of whom had superhuman strength . . .

 . . . the other one was Alaric.

You could have done ANYTHING you wanted!  Fun things!  X-rated things!  Things that did not require clothing!  And you chose . . . PICTIONARY?

ARE YOU INSANE??????????

I love how the writers try to make Useless Aunt Jenna out to be this Uber Slutty Former Rebel. And yet, every time, she appears on screen, she does moronically dull things like this.  But while Useless Aunt Jenna proceeds to get wasted at her own party, and, thereby, increasingly more useless, Damon entertains himself, by trying to see how many “wolf” puns he can make at Mason’s expense, before the dog bites him in the nuts.

“Lone wolf, Dances with Wolves, Hungry like the Wolf, the wolf in Little Red Riding Hood, the wolf in the Three Little Pigs.  Who’s afraid of Virginia Woolf? . . . I’m going to take a shot every time I come up with one of these.  Hopefully, being inebriated will make this party more interesting.”

Things between “the Wolf” and “the Vampire” start out friendly enough, with Mason telling Damon, that he has “heard great things about him.”

“That’s weird, because I have a really big  ‘m a dick,” replies Damon.  (Oh COME ON!  Like I was REALLY only girl who “went there” with that comment . .  .)

However, after the umpteeth time Damon calls Mason “wolf-something” and tries to “silver” him, our favorite lycanthrope starts to wonder whether something is up.  “Listen, I’m not your enemy,” offers Mason, conciliatorily.

“You tried to kill my brother,” notes Damon matter-of-factly.  “I mean, granted, I tried to do kill him too a few times during Season 1.  But we’re related.  So, it’s OK.  But for you, it’s unacceptable.  The only one allowed to kill Stefan is ME!”  (OK, he didn’t say that last part.  But he SHOULD have!)

Mason then makes some lame excuse for the attempted murder of Stefan — something about not being able to control himself, after shifting and blah blah blah.  “Let’s not spark an age old feud that doesn’t apply to us,” insists Mason, ever the Serene Surfer Dude.

A slightly Drunk Damon reluctantly extends his arm for a manly handshake . . . and then . . . STAKES MASON WITH A SILVER KNIFE!

 

“That was so totally NOT COOL, dude!  You just like need to catch a wave, and CHILL man.  Spark a doobie or something!”

Mason is not really so mad at Damon for the whole “trying to kill him thing” as he is about the whole “ruining his buzz” thing.  “I was really looking forward to Last Call,” whines Mason.  “Now you’ve made an enemy.”

“Well, DUH!”

Back at home, Mason gets up in Tyler’s grill, about  the teens refusal to give him his “family jewels.”  Then, the Lone Wolf / Silver Surfer FINALLY reveals what it is that activates the Lockwood curse.  You have to .  . . KILL SOMEONE!

Me-thinks Mason Lockwood just got a WHOLE LOT more interesting . . .

Team Mean Girls Strikes Out

From the moment Vampire Katherine stole into Vampire Caroline’s room and told her that they were going to have “so much fun together,” we all knew it would be only a matter of time, before the pair were up to no good.  This week, we got to see exactly what “so much fun together” meant.  Apparently, Team Mean Girls’ mission, should they choose to accept it, is to “Break Up Stefan and Elena” — a task that is easier SAID than DONE.

“Tell me about it!  I couldn’t even manage it, and I . . . look like ME!”

For Katherine’s part, she appeals to the “self-sacrificing” side of Stefan, which is, coincidentally, the same trait that convinced Caroline to get Matt to dump her, once she turned vamp.  Katherine, who had only pretended to be trapped by Stefan because chains are SEXY so that he would be forced listen to her story (Apparently, she’s built up some immunity to vervain), eventually, frees herself from her chains and attacks Stefan.  The vixen even goes so far as to stake Little Salvatore in his Hoo-Ha, after he finds himself morally unable to finish her off.

“You’re kidding, right?”

“I will snap her [Elena’s] neck like a twig, and you know it,” threatens Katherine.

Elena’s neck.

“I will kill everyone she loves, while she watches.  And then I will kill her, while YOU watch,” Katherine continues.

(Awwww!  How sweet!)

Meanwhile, Caroline is busy engaging Elena in what I like to call the Twilight Talk.

With a whiny-ness that would make Bella Swan proud, Caroline fills Elena’s head with fears of wearing diapers, “while your boyfriend is still ridiculously hot” . . .

. . . never being able to have Baby Vamps . . .

. . . and always having to worry about your boyfriend eating you.  When Elena gets worried about Stefan not picking up his phone, Caroline offers to “drive Elena to Stefan’s house, to make sure he’s OK.”  Caroline then proceeds to let the air out of her tires, while Elena isn’t looking, so the pair will have to wait for the tow truck driver.  Eventually, an Angry Elena ditches Caroline’s Mischievous Butt and escapes to La Casa de Rich and Awesome.

It is there that she runs into Katherine.

The two size eachother up a bit, like a couple of kids playing “Steal the Bacon.”  I’m pretty sure, Katherine even went as far as to sniff Elena’s face.   Weird.  

“How is this possible?  How do we look exactly alike?”  Elena inquires.

“Easy.  We are both played by Nina Dobrev.  You are asking the wrong question,” replies Katherine tauntingly, before disappearing into thin air.

Almost immediately, Stefan appears, and gives Elena a much deserved hug.

Outside La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Katherine encounters Damon, and warns him that, if he messes with the werewolves and tries to play hero, he will get himself killed.

“Been there, done that,” remarks Damon boredly.  (He’s got a point!)

Later that night, at the only bar / social establishment in Mystic Falls, Elena and Stefan get into a “fight” over how big of a threat Katherine is to Elena.  Elena pouts a bit and acts jealous, while Stefan admits that Katherine had “already come between them.”  The last remark causes Elena to stalk off.  Then, both Caroline and Damon, who are eavesdropping nearby, with their FABULOUS vampire ears, sprout identical sh*t-eating grins on their faces. 

Honestly, the fight seemed TOTALLY fake to me, from the moment it started.  I didn’t believe it was real for a second, and have a lot of trouble believing that Damon would fall for a poor showing like that.  Nevertheless, later, back at Elena’s house, Stefan and Elena hug again, and vow to keep their continued relationship a secret, in order to protect Elena from the wrath of Katherine, and her new minion, Caroline.

You know what that means don’t you?  Lots of SUPER HOT SECRET SEX!

There you have it folks — a trip down “Memory Lane.”  So, what did you think?  Have you become a Team Kefan convert?  How long do you think Stefan and Elena will be able to keep up their “breakup charade?”  How far will Caroline fall into Katherine’s clutches to protect herself from harm?  Who do you think Tyler will eventually kill to become a full-fledged werewolf?  And, finally . . . and most importantly . . . in a fight between Mason Lockwood and Damon Salvatore . . . who do you think would look better naked? 😉

See you next week!

[www.juliekushner.com]

The Vampire Diaries – 10 Ways to Prepare for “The Return” on September 9th

Do you adore this new promotional poster for Season 2 of The Vampire Diaries as much as I do?  If so, you are going to LOVE THIS ONE!

Labor Day Weekend is just days away.  And you all know what that means  . . . summer is almost over.

But it ALSO means that the fall television viewing season is about to begin!  And would anyone like to guess what the FIRST show to RETURN will be?  I’ll give you a hint . . .

It’s The Vampire Diaries!  And it’s coming back to the CW on Thursday, September 9th, which is only ONE WEEK AWAY!

And yet, when hot shirtless vampires are involved, a week can seem like a REALLY LONG TIME!  That is why I have devised this fool proof ten-step plan to get you through the last Salvatore-less week of YOUR LIVES (at least until the next hiatus).  So, without further adieu, here are ten things you can do to tide yourself over, while you are waiting to watch the season premiere of The Vampire Diaries.

1) Rewatch ALL of Season 1!

Not only does today mark the final week before Season 2 of The Vampire Diaries premieres, it also marks the day that the Season 1 DVD was released in stores and online.  What better way to refresh your memory on old TVD episodes than to watch them in the comfort of your OWN home, on your OWN time schedule.  In addition to all 22 original episodes, the DVD also features: deleted scenes from the show, creator and director commentary, a gag reel, a webisode series, and much more!  You can purchase it here.

Low on funds right now, and not quite ready to shell out the “big bucks” for the Season 1 DVD?  Fear not!  You can find a fairly comprehensive (if I do say so myself ;)) recap of the Season 1 Finale, by clicking here. 

2) Watch Season 2 Promos (and then watch them again .  . . and again . . . and again)

In anticipation of the upcoming second season of The Vampire Diaries, the CW has been releasing titillating trailers for the series, throughout the summer.  You can probably find ALL of the trailers, by doing a quick YouTube search under “The Vampire Diaries Season 2 Promo.”  However, I’m going to post the three most popular ones, right here, for you to enjoy.  The first trailer, of course, belongs to my favorite character on the show, DAMON SALVATORE!

Watch him be deliciously DAMON-Y, to the tune of OneRepublic’s “Everybody Loves Me.”

This next trailer was the second one released in the series.  And it definitely wins the award for SEXIEST TRAILER EVER!  The song featured in the trailer is “Cosmic Love” by Florence and the Machine.

But, if I had to choose a favorite trailer, it would have to be the this next one, because IT features BRAND NEW SCENES FROM THE SEASON PREMIERE!

For a more in-depth look at THIS trailer, click here.

3) Rock out to music from the show!

Nothing gets you in the MOOD for a show about sexy vampires, like the music you were listening to when you first met them.  CW shows are known for their amazing soundtracks.  And The Vampire Diaries is no exception.  Featuring a host of songs from  a”Who’s Who in Contemporary Artists” including Katy Perry, The All-American Rejects, Placebo, The Fray, White Lies, OneRepublic, and TONS more, The Vampire Diaries soundtrack has a little something for everybody. 

The official soundtrack for the show is slated to be released in October 2010.  However, you can check out the track listing here.

“But WAIT,” you say.  “How am I supposed to PREPARE for the season premiere by listening to a soundtrack that ISN’T EVEN OUT YET?”

Good point .  . .

Fortunately, I found this AWESOME website that lists EVERY SINGLE SONG featured in The Vampire Diaries (organized by the episodes in which they aired).  This website also offers you links to download the songs (and accompanying music videos) from iTunes and other popular music download sites.  Ready to rock out to some fangy tunes?  Just click here, and get ready to do some serious dancing!

4) Follow the stars and creators of The Vampire Diaries on Twitter.

These days, it seems like EVERYBODY (except me) has a Twitter account.  And the cast and crew of The Vampire Diaries are no exception.  And while I don’t actually “tweet” myself, I still like to visit the Twitter pages of the stars of my favorite shows on a fairly regular basis.  Why?  Not only is it a great way to get to know the real people behind the characters you love, it’s also a FABULOUS way to get the inside scoop on your favorite shows, from the people working on the front lines.  Sometimes, they even post set pictures and script pages there! 

Here are the Twitter pages for MOST of the stars of The Vampire Diaries.  (Paul Wesley doesn’t have one. 😦 )

For Ian Somerhalder (Damon Salvatore)’s Twitter page, click here.

For Nina Dobrev (Elena Gilbert)’s Twitter page, click here.

For Steven R. McQueen (Jeremy Gilbert)’s Twitter page, click here.

For Michael Trevino (Tyler Lockwood)’s Twitter page, click here.

For Candice Accola (Caroline Forbes)’s Twitter page, click here.

For Katerina Graham (Bonnie Bennett)’s Twitter page, click here.

For show creator  / writer Kevin Williamson’s Twitter page, click here.

And for show creator / writer Julie Plec’s Twitter page, click here.

5) Watch cast and crew interviews on YouTube.

If reading a star’s Twitter page helps you get to know what he is like as a person, watching that star interview helps you get to know what he is like as an actor, and how he develops his respective roles.  The cast and crew of The Vampire Diaries interview like CRAZY!  And folks on YouTube POST these interviews online like crazy.  A quick YouTube search of “[insert TVD actor’s name] interview” is sure to find you more content than you could ever watch in a lifetime.

But, just in case you AREN’T a vampire, are NOT immortal, and, therefore, have limited time to watch interviews, I have taken the liberty of posting a few for you here.  For example, here is a fun one featuring Kevin Williamson and Julie Plec discussing how they came about casting Nina Dobrev, as Elena, and Ian Somerhalder, as Damon.  (There is some GREAT audition footage of both actors in here as well).

Here’s a nice interview with Paul Wesley  . . .

 . . . and here’s one with Nina Dobrev . . .

 . . . and here’s one with Ian Somerhalder . . .

But, of course, the ULTIMATE TVD cast interviews would have to come from Comic Con 2010. . .

For THOSE interviews, and more information on THAT event, click here.

6) Watch video of the cast of The Vampire Diaries from BEFORE they were vampires . . .

Believe it or not, Ian, Nina and Paul weren’t ALWAYS on The Vampire Diaries. 

 In fact, they each already had pretty extensive acting resumes, by the time the show aired.  Sometimes, watching stars in some of their earlier work, can be as much fun as looking at your friends’ embarrassing baby pictures.  For this reason, I would like to introduce you to two non-TVD videos for each of the show’s main stars.

Check out Paul Wesley’s brief career as an angel in the short-lived ABC Family series’ Fallen (and watch him converse with a talking dog).

Angelic, Dog Whisperer, Paul Wesley, not your thing?  Perhaps, you’d prefer him evil, shirtless and doing pullups, his guest starring role as the nefarious Lucas on Smallville.

Before Nina Dobrev was Vampire Katherine, or even Elena Gilbert, she starred in a Nickelodeon version of High School Musical, entitled American Mall.

Watch her sing, dance (and act a little) here.

But even before American Mall, Nina got her start as Teen Baby Mama, Mia Jones on Degrassi: The Next Generation.

Watch her cope with a possessed high school pal, in this “very special” Halloween episode of the show.

And then, there’s Ian (sigh)!

Here’s a guy who could make even INCEST sexy.  And he DID, as Boone Carlyle, on Lost.  (OK, Boone and Shannon, weren’t blood-related.  But still!)

OK.  So, most of you probably already knew that Ian Somerhalder played Boone on Lost.  However, many of you may not have known that he also played Hamilton on the ill-fated Dawson’s Creek spinoff, Young Americans — a guy who fell in love with a girl, who he THOUGHT was a guy (even though his character wasn’t supposed to be gay  . . . weird).

7) Ogle Photos and Gifts of Your Favorite TVD stars!

One of the great things about being a television recapper, is that you manage to amass a FABULOUS collection of stills, photographs, and animated GIFS of actors and actresses from your favorite programs.  For your viewing pleasure, here are just a few of my favorite TVD photos and GIFS:

8 ) Get to know the NEW TVD characters (and the actors who play them) BEFORE the season starts.

By now, you are probably pretty familiar with the characters of The Vampire Diaries and the actors who play them.  However, this season, the writers will introduce at least TWO more characters (and actors) into the mix, with whom you might not be so familiar.  The first is, Mason Lockwood, Tyler Lockwood’s uncle, a fellow werewolf, and the black sheep of the Lockwood family.  He will be played by actor, Taylor Kinney.  You can hear what Taylor has to say about his new role, in his interview with TV Guide, here.

Another new character that will be introduced during Season 2 of TVD is Vanessa, a Duke University graduate student, with supernatural origins.  (She’s a “blue devil” — whatever THAT means.)  Vanessa will be played by actress, Courtney Ford. 

A bit more information on Courtney and her character can be found here.

9) Read the novels on which The Vampire Diaries are (loosely) based.

As you may or may not know, the idea for The Vampire Diaries television show was derived from the characters in a series of four books written by author, L.J. Smith — the first of which came out as early as 1991!  Those books were entitled:  The Awakening, The Struggle, The Fury, and Dark Reunion, respectively.  Although you will notice quite a few differences between those books and the CW series (the LEAST of which being that “Book Elena” is a blonde), the former are still interesting and intriguing in their own right, and, therefore, worth a read by TVD fans.

The books are sold in groups of two.  The first two, The Awakening and The Struggle, can be purchased here.

The second two, The Fury and Dark Reunion, can be purchased here.

As a result of the success of The Vampire Diaries series, L.J. Smith decided to add a new trilogy to The Vampire Diaries Series, nearly two decades after the first book was written.  The books in The Return series are entitled Nightfall, Shadow Souls, and Midnight,respectively.  The first two are already available in bookstores and online.  The third is said to be available some time in 2011. 

You can purchase the not particularly popular, Nightfall, here,  and the slightly better reviewed, Shadow Souls, here.

In addition to the aforementioned books, L.J. Smith has recently joined forces with show creators, Kevin Williamson and Julie Plec, to produce a prequel trilogy, based on the SHOW itself.  The first of those three books, which have been collectively entitled Stefan’s Diaries, will be available sometime in November 2010.  Howevver, it is available for preorder (but, so far, only in E-book format) here.

10) Purchase FABULOUS TVD-themed swag online!

Have money burning a hole in your wallet, and nothing to spend it on?  Or, perhaps, you have a birthday coming up in the near future, and could think of nothing you would want more than a little TVD magic to take home with you, and enjoy during the show’s off hours.  Fortunately, the internet is FILLED with fabulous Vampire Diaries -themed swag.  From t-shirts, to calendars, to book marks, to posters, to coasters  – if you can dream it up, it probably exists.  While a quick internet search of “Vampire Diaries Merchandise” is likely to find you more than enough swag from which to choose, I’ve decided to post a few of my favorite TVD items here, just for you.

For example, check out this AWESOME WWDD t-shirt.  (It stands for “What Would Damon Do?” of course!)

You can purchase this lovely article of clothing here.

This funky vintage tee can be found at the WB store website, along with other choice merchandise

.And finally, since you ALREADY count out the days of your life, based on when The Vampire Diaries airs (Don’t deny it!  I know you do!), why not do it with a Vampire Diaries’ CALENDAR!

So, there you have it, 10 ways to pass the time, while waiting for Season 2 of The Vampire Diaries to begin.  Happy fangirling (or fanboying?)!

(As if it bears repeating, The Vampire Diaries’ Season 2 premiere episode, “The Return” airs September 9th at 8 p.m.  However, thanks to this post, we now have plenty of things to do to keep us busy until that time . . .  See you then!)

[www.juliekushner.com]